Chapter Text
Agent 8 on after their 100th attempt at inner agent 3: You gotta draw the line somewhere! You gotta draw a fuckin' line in the sand, dude! You gotta make a statement! You gotta look inside yourself and say, 'what am I willing to put up with today?' NOT FUCKIN' THIS!!
~So I'm doing custom ones now on occasion. Neat.~
Octavio: Some people say that I have a god complex. I’d like to think that I’m a complex god.
~~~
Captain 3 after the events of the Metro: The risk I took was calculated but, man, am I bad at math.
~~~
Sheldon: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
Neo 3: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?
~~~
Octavio: Petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday.
Agent 8: Wednesay.
Octavio: Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible.
~~~
Captain 3: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this.
Octavio: Maybe we would, if you would STOP BREAKING INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!
~~~
Marie: Uptown Funk would've made it into the Shrek Soundtrack.
Callie: That's the truest statement I've ever heard.
~~~
Police: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.
Captain 3, with Agent 4 and Neo 3 behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?!
Police: Yes…three.
Captain 3: Oh, my God— What the fuck!?
Police: Wha-
Captain 3: Agent 8 FUCKING FELL OFF!
~~~
Marie: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
Captain 3: ...
Captain 3: What a stupid fucking quote.
Captain 3: I'm killing way more than two people, idiot.
~~~
Sheldon, ordering Starbucks: Hey, I just got my heart broken, what do you recommend?
Captain 3, who’s running the drive thru: …
Captain 3: Tequila.
~Poor Sheldon~
Captain 3: You’re starting to look like me more and more every day—
Neo 3: *Bursts into tears*
Captain 3: Why are you crying?
Neo 3: You’re ugly! I don’t want to look like you! *sobs*
~~~
Captain 3: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?
Callie: Maybe a bit tipsy?
Agent 4: Drunk.
Marie: Wasted.
Neo 3: Dead.
~I think Marie is more aware of her decisions than Callie.~
Agent 8, sweating: Captain 3, there’s something I need to ask you-
Captain 3: Finally! You’re proposing!
Agent 8: How’d you know?
Captain 3: Agent 8, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.
Captain 3: I even picked it up once.
~~~
Captain 3: I fell—
Agent 4: From heaven?
Captain 3: No, I literally fell—
Agent 4: In love with me the moment you saw me?
Captain 3: MY ARM IS BROKEN!
Agent 4: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.
~~~
Agent 8: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.
Agent 4: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.
Agent 8: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.
Octavio: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.
Callie: Looks like someone's a HO.
Agent 4: NaBrO.
Marie: I'm done with all of you!
~~~
Neo 3: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.
Neo 3, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.
~Now I'm tempted to write a fic about the agents playing monopoly. Would you guys gals and nonbinary pals like that? I could probably make it.~
Callie: Octavio has discovered "deez nuts" jokes and it's all they say now. Everything is deez nuts. They simply can't stop.
Callie: I asked Octavio where they learned that joke. They made me promise they wouldn't get in trouble if they told me. I agreed.
Callie: So they lean in and whisper, "deez nuts."
~~~
Agent 8: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.
~~~
Agent 8: If there’s one thing I learned from Captain 3, it’s to set people’s expectations real low, so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.
~~~
Sheldon: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.
Agent 8: And I need you to be less vague and weird.
~~~
Agent 8: So, are they your friend or...
Agent 4: They’re like Marie, but if Marie was ordered to be around you.
Agent 8: Oh, so Cuttlefish.
Agent 4: Precisely!
~~~