Chapter Text
Today would be a good day.
Nothing in particular made it good, but Alastor just had the sneaking suspicion that today was just going to be... well delightful.
Alastor grabbed a neatly wrapped package from his desk, tucking it under his arm. He had a busy day- not too busy- but enough that he wanted to go ahead and get started before places got too crowded, or burned down thanks to an impromptu riot, which was a common enough occurrence to be irritating but was not a guarantee. Still, it was best to get things accomplished early so he could relax the rest of the day and watch the trash fire, that was this hotel, continue to entertain.
Charlie and Vaggie were already downstairs. Vaggie was on her phone while Charlie was trying her best to politely listen to Mimzy drone on and on about her "products". He had left her alone for only a little while and she'd gone off and joined another Overlord. At least it was one of the more tolerable ones, he supposed. It wasn't Vox. If anything, Charlie was really the one who was going to suffer in this arrangement. A tender heart like that was going to be bled dry by Mimzy's constant sob stories. Honestly, it was a clever plan on Mimzy's part, perhaps too clever for it to have been one of her own creation.
"You see there is more than just shampoo! There's an entire line of kitchenware, clothing, makeup, even nutrition and health products!" Mimzy had a little display set up and Charlie was nodding along, though her eyes kept darting to Vaggie who was mindlessly scrolling on her phone.
"That does sound nice!" Charlie was being polite, Alastor could tell. But Mimzy couldn't, and that was the set up for quite a bit of entertainment. "Oh, Alastor! Hey!" She acknowledged him as soon as he came down, probably trying to use him as a way to escape Mimzy's hostage situation of a presentation.
"What's in your package?" Vaggie was giving him a suspicious look. Alastor just kept smiling back at her.
"Nothing for you, I'm afraid. But please don't let me interrupt! Mimzy was just telling you all about the plethora of products that her new company specializes in! Isn't that fun?"
"Exactly! And the ones I listed only scratched the surface of what DamnWay can do!" Mimzy was smiling at him. She probably assumed Alastor was helping her, but honestly, he had ulterior motives for letting her go on. After all, he wasn't one of the ones having to listen. He could leave whenever he wanted.
"Look, it just sounds like an awfully large array of products. They can't all be that good, can they?" Vaggie hadn't looked at Mimzy once from the time Alastor had come downstairs, but perhaps she'd been paying attention after all.
"Go back to those knives you were telling us about!" Niffty was on her stomach, on the floor, face in her hands, legs swinging back and forth in the air. "You said they can cut through anything?"
"Oh, for sure." Mimzy brought one out. Niffty reached toward it, but Mimzy kept talking and her gestures moved it right out Niffty's reach, much to the tiny maid's dismay. "They are great for cooking! And self-defense. You know how hard we beautiful ladies have it in Hell."
"Mmhmm." Charlie's expression made it clear she was ready for the pitch to end. "Listen, Mimzy, I really appreciate your enthusiasm to be here at the hotel, but... um... this," she gestured around herself, "isn't really a Redemption activity."
"I want the knife!" Niffty was on her knees now, making a swipe for it when Mimzy walked by.
"Nonsense! What is better for redemption than reaching an understanding about your fellow Sinners! They're hopes!" Mimzy lifted the knife up as Niffty made another grab. "They're dreams!" She brought it close to her chest causing Niffty to miss again. "They're career!" She spun around and Alastor could tell Niffty was getting increasingly aggravated.
"GIMME THE KNIFE!"
"Oookay! Why don't we all settle down." Charlie caught Niffty midair as she tried to launch herself at Mimzy full force. Alastor raised an eyebrow; Niffty wasn't easy to handle so he was mildly impressed Charlie had been so swift to step in. "And focus on an actual redemption activity!"
"But I haven't even gotten to tell you about all the holy items that we have! Great for protection when Heaven inevitably retaliates against you and everyone you love and care about." Mimzy protested as she held up a little bottle for Charlie to see. Alastor saw the princess cringe at the mention of Heaven. "Trust me, honey. You are probably going to need it."
"You have holy items." Vaggie was finally looking up. "And you think that is going to stop angels?"
"Our Holy Anti-Angel Oil has a one hundred percent Extermination Survival Rate." Mimzy retorted.
"I am pretty sure if it's actually holy it would... you know... burn Sinners?" Charlie was still struggling to stop Niffty from getting her hand on that knife Mimzy had now placed on the table behind her. "And do..." she looked over to Vaggie, "nothing to angels?"
Vaggie nodded.
"Oh phoo, you have no idea what you're talking about." Mimzy huffed putting the bottle back on her display.
"And anyway, we have to do another activity! A real one this time." Charlie again looked to Vaggie who was already getting up and helping gather Mimzy's things for her.
"But I wasn't done!" Mimzy huffed.
"Yes, you were." Vaggie didn't seem to be particularly cautious as she tossed everything back in Mimzy's big, black bag.
"No no no! The knives! Don't put those back yet!" Niffty flailed desperately to get her hands on the new blades.
"Oi, what a shit show." Cherri had finally made it downstairs just in time to see things wrapping up.
"Cherri! There you are! Just in-oof-" Charlie had nearly lost her grip on Niffty as Vaggie zipped up Mimzy's bag and dropped it back in her arms. "Just in time!"
"Yeah, I was about to go out. Got a lead on some new turf that's about to become available." She tossed one of her token bombs up in the air.
"Take that all upstairs." Vaggie nudged Mimzy toward the stairway. "Now. Then you had better come back down for activities. "
"Okay. Well, that's one idea." Charlie finally put Niffty back down. For a moment she looked like she might chase after Mimzy, but then a roach caught her eye and she found she had better things to tend to. "But I thought today we might do our first big activity! Where's Angel?"
"Sleeping." Cherri tilted her head in the direction of the stairs.
"Well, he can join us after he's up!"
"But what about my lead?" She looked rather annoyed at having been stopped at all. Alastor had to admire Charlie's perseverance. Cherri had really only been staying here as a favor to Angel, that much had been clear at the party. And here was Charlie already pushing her limits.
Today really was off to a delightful start.
"You can go after our morning activity! I promise! But be warned, you might have so much fun you just forget about the whole thing!" Charlie grabbed her by the hand dragging her back to the center of the room. Cherri looked back at the bomb in her hand, heavily considering her options. Charlie seemed to realize she was already losing Cherri's interest because she added an awkward: "What do you say?" At the end.
Cherri sighed, putting the bomb back up. "You got thirty minutes and then I got shit to do." She plopped on the couch, kicking her feet up.
"Great! Thank you! We can wait for Mimzy to get back and then we can get started!" Charlie looked visibly relieved. She really was bad at wearing her emotions right on her face. It benefited Alastor, sure, but he had expected better from the Princess of Lies. (Then again, he had expected better from her father too; it was a family of let-downs. Though he wouldn't complain as this was all a benefit to him.)
"That's gonna cut into your time." Cherri remarked, examining her nails as she sat, laid out on the couch.
"Oh, I um..." Charlie was panicking a bit. "Okay well I am sure she will be back in just a second! But... um... Vaggie maybe go check on her real quick?"
"On it." The fallen Exorcist (An Ex-exorcist?) bolted up the stairs in pursuit. Knowing Mimzy, this would not be a quick retrieval, and while that would be absolutely hilarious to watch- Alastor had more important things to do.
"I do hope you enjoy your activities, ladies, but I am afraid I must be off~" He twirled his cane in his fingers, tapping it on the ground as he nodded to Charlie and Cherri- the last two remaining. Cherri sat up a bit.
"How come he gets to leave?"
"He's not a resident. He works here." Charlie replied quickly. "He's the manager!" Alastor also knew that they were incapable of stopping him, even if they wanted. After all, Charlie still owed him. A favor from the Princess of Hell herself was not a commodity to waste.
"Can I just work here then?" Cherri pouted.
"Well... technically?" Charlie was clearly doing her best. Alastor was amused by how her stress seemed to only have grown with the addition of more Sinners. "But we aren't really hiring right now. And also, the staff are still asked to participate in Redemption activities..."
"Except him?" Cherri pointed directly at Alastor who gave her his best, most charming smile.
"..." Charlie bit her lip, looking to Alastor who just kept smiling back at her. If she wanted him to stay, she was going to have to actually ask. He saw her shoulders droop a little and she looked at the ground, then back at Cherri. "Except him."
"I really must go, I'm afraid. I have quite a busy day planned!" He placed his hand to the side of his head and gave a small wave to Charlie and Cherri before turning on his heel and heading out the door. It closed behind him of its own accord. He took a deep breath, enjoying that fresh, smoldering, brimstone air. This was the sort of day that would send the Princess into some kind of over-the-top musical number, for sure. It was probably for the best he got out.
He did, actually, have some plans today. The sooner he got started, the sooner he could return and see how this whole fiasco had progressed.
With his package still secured tightly under his arm, he started out into the main part of the city. As soon as he was outside, he saw a very obvious drone, darting about. He chuckled to himself, giving the camera a playful wave before it exploded in the air. They were accursed things, really, and not just because Vox made them (though that certainly didn't help the situation.) Visual media lacked nuance and flair. It was stifling the modern imagination. (Vox was really just proof of how much visual media degraded things like attention span, creativity, and of course, intelligence.) Alastor couldn't stand it.
His first stop was a store. Not a particularly popular one, but one he would visit when he needed supplies. It was a bit off the beaten path, not that he minded. There was nothing like a nice walk to really clear one's head. He could even enjoy some music from his staff, something upbeat to really set the mood.
He dodged around the typical chaos in the streets. It wasn't hard to avoid as it was still early. Most of the most annoying Sinners were probably still sleeping off hangovers or pulling themselves back together after having been murdered. It was one of the distinct benefits of being a Sinner. Though it could be both a curse and a gift, given that while you could always come back from being killed (so long as the weapon wasn't angelic) you still felt the pain. Of course, all these rules had little caveats that not many knew of, but Alastor was not one to reveal trade secrets. Especially when he was the one benefiting from them.
He found the store in question and as soon as he walked in, he was greeted by the Sinner who owned it. "Alastor! We had everything you requested!" She was a tiny thing, only a bit taller than Niffty. She looked a little like Alastor in color, the red and black hair, red eyes. But that was simply because Alastor was the one talking to her. Mimic- or Mimi, as Alastor liked to call her- took on the appearance of anyone she was currently speaking to. It made group conversations absolutely hilarious to watch as she would constantly shift back and forth as she tried to stay a part of the conversation. "I do hope it wasn't too inconvenient. I know you prefer delivery, but we got blown up last week and rebuilding has put us very behind!" Even her voice sounded like a more light, feminine version of his own.
"I do appreciate the effort, my dear! " It was nice to be shown a bit of respect. Though she was absolutely right, he preferred delivery. Still, Alastor was nothing if not accommodating. At least- so long as it suited him to be- and Mimi had always been too terrified of what he could do to cause him any trouble. There was also the distinct fact that she wasn't particularly powerful, or important to the Infernal Hierarchy. Alastor enjoyed a challenge; it helped keep the mind sharp. And a challenge she was not.
"Of course!" She hurried to grab some of the bags in the back. She handed them to Alastor who smiled a little wider as he took them in his arms, resting them on top of the package he was already holding. He peaked inside to see the contents. Everything was there.
"This is just perfect! I know I can always count on you!" and with that he took his leave. He had what he needed. He would rather have dropped the package off first, but this was really on the way.
Alastor exited the tiny store and dodged a foot that went flying in his general direction as a fight had broken out. It had nothing to do with him, and he had things to do, so he ignored it. He did see another drone up in the sky. He shook his head, rolling his eyes as he kept walking. The drone was trying to be subtle, but subtle it was not.
With a sigh, Alastor turned back around, giving his best smile to the camera, before it exploded into pieces. That should have been enough of a warning for Vox to find someone else to stalk- but knowing that ignoramus, it would only encourage him more. It was a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario for Alastor. That was the nature of Hell, he supposed. Still, he had more important things to do than pay Vox the attention that he clearly craved.
He reached his next destination. The ever-unreliable postal service in Hell. It was run by Hellborns, and no one really understood why they had it since the odds of a package reaching its destination were entirely reliant on how much you were willing to spend. Still, it was a great way to send stuff you didn't want to deliver in person. Sometimes things were better as a surprise.
He walked inside and immediately placed his package on the counter with a nice handful of cash. "I want to be absolutely certain this reaches its destination. Am I clear?" The imp at the counter looked at the package, then the cash, then back at him. The imp's tail flicked.
"Crystal."
"Wonderful! And the quicker the better."
"Yeah yeah," the imp looked down at the address, he looked back at Alastor. "You know this ain't far, right? Like you could deliver this yourself."
"That would ruin the surprise, my good man!" of course he could deliver it himself. Nothing in Pride ring was that far (especially when you could move beyond the confines of space through teleportation). But it also wasn't the point. It was a shame that nuance was so lost on most of Hell. There were so many opportunities that often went by without ever being capitalized upon because most Sinners and Hellborns lacked vision. It was one of the things Alastor appreciated about the Princess. She had that vision! Was it completely delusional and destined to fail? Yes! Absolutely! But it was still something.
"Right." The imp looked back at the package then to Alastor once again. He seemed to have an idea because suddenly his expression changed, and he was grinning. "Riiiiiiiiight. I getchya."
Alastor nodded back at him. "I assure you that you do not. But thank you anyway!" He picked his bags from Mimi back up and waved ado to the imp who was winking at him as if they were in on some sort of scheme together. Alastor didn't pay him any mind. Let the imp think whatever he wanted, as long as the package made it to its destination.
As soon as he was outside there was another drone. Alastor, let out a heavy sigh, though the smile remained plastered on his face. (It wasn't like he had any choice in that regard.) "You're really starting to get on my nerves Vox."
"Look who it is!" He could hear the voice clear as day despite it coming from a speaker. There was no way the flat-faced buffoon would be willing to confront him head on. He was stupid-but not that stupid. Vox still remembered what happened last time and the Radio Demon knew that tawdry, tedious, technological terror was still too shaken to repeat the past. "You look like shit!"
"Must be the quality of those God forsaken cameras then, because I feel incredible." Alastor smirked, shifting his bags into one arm so he could twirl his cane in the other. "Not surprising given who made them."
"These drones are the height of technology" He must have hit a nerve as Vox's voice shifted, becoming more synthetic as his anger rose. Alastor didn't even need to see him to know the other Overlord was seething from the comfort of his tacky studio. "Not that you would know, you out-of-date fuckwad. They caught the whole God damn fight! I got you getting the ever-loving shit kicked out of you on video!"
"Ah yes, you did so much during the fight, I can absolutely see the leg you have to stand on here." Alastor looked directly into the lens, tapping the top of the drone. "This blasted thing does pick up sarcasm, doesn't it?"
"I wasn't about to face down with fucking angels because I am not dumb enough to piss them off!”
"And you would also have lost. You mock me, but I lasted easily two times as long as you would have. That Adam simply... lucked out."
"I w-w-would h-h-have f-fucking o-o-obliterated the- the- the-"
"Buffering again, Vox?"
"The-the-"
"You really need to work on improving your signal." And with that, Alastor patted the drone on the top again with his cane, only this time it burst apart.
Finally, some peace and quiet.... well... mostly.
At least, as quiet as things could be on the streets of Hell, given the situation.
Though Vox had Alastor thinking back on that fight. Everything should have gone differently. Angelic weapons or not- Adam's weapon was not supposed to have been able to break the microphone- even just the base of it. Either Alastor had to take up the issue of false advertising with his patron, or there was something else at play. Perhaps it would be worth a conversation- Alastor's patron had, in fact, been quite chatty since the fight which was... irritating. Hence why Alastor was happy to finally be out and about, away from all of that. If she needed to talk to him, she could wait.
Another quick stop- this one the easiest of them all. He went inside the store browsing the wares with mild interest. He only had a need for some of the items. Luckily, they were easy to find. Soon he was carrying even more bags than before. At least the package had been dealt with.
And look at the time! He definitely could spend the rest of the afternoon doing something a little less... dull. Just as planned!
He hummed a happy tune as he continued his walk. Soon the war-torn, scorched, or heavily reinforced buildings were replaced with perfectly pristine little store fronts and houses. The chaos and screams replaced with catchy, upbeat music. The array of diverse Sinners and Hellborns replaced with the gray skin, sharp teeth, and empty void-black eyes of the residents of Cannibal Town.
Alastor instantly felt at ease. The quaint charm of the town never failed to win him over. All the irritation from Vox melted away as he was greeted with the wide smiles and friendly waves of the Cannibals. He waved back, chuckling to himself, this place truly had its own, unique charm. No one could ignore it, even the Princess had admitted how jarringly pleasant Cannibal Town was when compared to the rest of her beloved Hell.
With his bags in hand he approached The Emporium, Franklin's name once artfully crossed out with what was probably paint, now gone all together. The new sign was nice, the only name on it was the only one Alastor wanted to see, especially today. It was never a bad time to visit an old friend- Charlie would certainly agree if she were here.
He opened the doors to the sound of a jingling bell. There were some Cannibals shuffling about the store, one in talks with the woman he had come to see, but of course, the moment she noticed him, that conversation ceased and the tall, Cannibal woman was on her feet at once, almost floating toward him with how gracefully she walked.
"Alastor! Twice in so many days! Am I a lucky gal or what!?" She clapped her hands together in excitement
"Rosie! Good to see you old friend! Love the new sign!"
"Cute right? You here because ya need a bunch just of us to charge into Heaven this time?"
Alastor laughed. "No no! No favors! Just a friendly visit!"
"You know I always have time to chat!" Rosie gestured for him to follow her. The other cannibals had stopped talking the moment Rosie had taken notice of Alastor. They stepped to the side, letting her have her conversation, watching, smiles plastered on their faces.
"I do have one favor, Rosie, dear!" He stepped past the other Cannibals toward the woman with the white curls.
"Oh you! I knew there was a catch!"
"Nothing serious! Just have some perishables in this bag. Would you mind keeping them on ice while we catch up?" The blood from one of the bags was starting to drip into his hand and he really didn't want to make a mess.
"Is that all? Of course, of course! I, if anyone, understand the need to preserve good meat!" She took the bag from him, placing it in a little cooler behind her counter. She wiped the blood from her hands with a little, purple, laced handkerchief. "You want any Exorcist while you're here? We have quite a bit!"
"Hmm, tempting! I may pick some up before I leave. But for now, just some tea would be lovely."
"Absolutely!" Rosie led him to her back room. There was a cute little table already set for two. With a snap of her fingers a teapot appeared, pouring itself into both glasses as Rosie had a seat. Alastor took the chair across from her. "I already had your favorite brewing in the back!"
"You knew I was coming?"
"I suspected as much!" She laughed, taking a sip from her cup. "Though," she lowered it for a moment, meeting his gaze. "Should I have set out three?"
"Nonsense Rosie! Two is plenty! Three's a crowd! I don't want our chat to be weighed down by uninvited guests! Do you?"
"You have a point! When was our last little gabbing session!?" She chuckled; the teacup clinked on its saucer. "You know, I was worried about you after that whole fiasco with that delectable morsel you were fighting. That was certainly a turn of events."
"It wasn't exactly my favorite moment."
"Looks like you're all fixed up now!"
"It was a process, but yes I was."
"It's always a process, but it's worth it in the end." Her eyes closed; her smile was serene as she took another sip. Alastor drank from his own cup, the warm liquid flowing between the smiling lips. He was watching her carefully trying to get a read on her reaction. Rosie was his ally, maybe even a friend, as much as Alastor had them, but even she had her own unique interests at heart.
"At least it's over for now. It was rather tedious, overall. I hope all the Exorcist meat was worth it."
"It is divine!" They both chuckled at her little pun. "But this is only the beginning. There is so, so much more to come."
"I too doubt Heaven is going to enjoy the report from the Exorcists. It seems everyone is getting prepared. Still, that whole nightmare is behind us for now. Let's talk about something more cheerful!" He had come here to relax, after all.... among other reasons.
"The only thing I'm preparing is my new line of fashion with feathers from Exorcist wings! I think it'll be very popular." Rosie did change the subject. "Velvette already mentioned wanting her first pick of the pieces. Though if you're interested, you know the real first pick is yours!"
"I just might take you up on that! You know I love anything from the Emporium! You'll have to give dear Velvette my regards if she visits to pick one up."
"Oh of course! You know Vox will love that!" They both laughed again, Alastor took another deep gulp of the tea.
"He was using those blasted creations of his to follow me all over, today."
"Oh how annoying." She made a face of disgust. "You should have come straight here! You know I don't like his things in my town!"
"I would have come much sooner, but alas, I had other things to do before I stopped by." He let out a forlorn sigh before taking another sip. "Nothing as fun and interesting as a visit to you, I promise!"
"Of course! Nothing is as fun and interesting as me!" She let out a content little sigh. "It's good to see ya Alastor. Seven years you were gone and then all this chaos... it feels like we never get a chance to chat anymore."
"My apologies, Rosie, I have been busy, as you well know." She was about the only person who did know. Alastor was the type to play things close to the chest and even Rosie didn't have complete knowledge of his plans and desires. But she knew more than most. After all, she had been an integral part of his power climb when he had first arrived in Hell.
"I know I know, but I am just tickled pink that ya found the time to visit. And I assume Miss Princess is doing a-okay?"
"Doing just swell! In fact, the hotel has been rebuilt, and it's got two new members. One of whom is Mimzy, if you'll believe it."
Rosie made a choking sound as she almost spit the tea in her mouth back out. She looked over at Alastor, raising an eyebrow. "Really?" That was about the reaction he was expecting.
"Apparently."
"Huh."
"That aside, I think some new smiling faces around the building is just the right thing to lift our Princess's spirit!"
"I am glad to hear she still had that moxie I loved so much. It could be inspiring if she lived anywhere but here. It was certainly quite a fight she led us into. Lost a few of my people, real tragedy. But we'll recover."
"I would expect nothing less." Alastor had more he wanted to discuss, but now wasn't the time. They both knew it. So, he simply finished his tea, placing the cup back down on the saucer. "Well, I best be off Rosie, my dear! Do keep your schedule open so that we can talk again!"
"For you? I always have time."
"You are a doll." He used his cane to get to his feet. "And the tea was delicious!"
"Any time! Did you still want me to package you up some fresh Exorcist?" They were exchanging superficial pleasantries, smiles unwavering. Alastor was a little annoyed they couldn't have the conversation he had wanted. But there was time- infinite time so long as Rosie didn't get herself Exterminated or something similar. (Alastor knew that he was far less likely to be felled. Call it ego, call it confidence- the fight with Adam had been a fluke. If he had been left fully to his own devices- oh how things would have been different.)
"Hmmm, the meat is tempting. But I will take a rain check. Though do let me know if you need any help! I am always willing to lend a hand!"
"Oh, I know you are," Rosie chuckled, "for a price."
"For a price indeed." He gave a small, flourished bow. "Till next time!"
"Till next time!" She was still sitting, smile unwavering as she watched him leave, her cup in her hands.
Alastor gathered his things from the cooler and left the Emporium. He could see the black eyes of the Cannibals, watching him for only a moment before they all went back to their day. Things really did feel better in Cannibal Town, it just had an air of civility that most of Hell lacked. Alastor gave a friendly wave which was returned as he made his way to the threshold. The smell of clean, fresh meat was replaced by the sour odor of brimstone as he made his way back into Hell proper. He finally came to a stop.
"How much longer are you planning on following me? I will give you points for persistence. Even Vox gave up over an hour ago." He didn't turn around; he didn't really have to. He knew the man was there- he'd been there since Alastor left the hotel. But he had hoped that if he ignored him long enough, he would eventually get whatever he wanted and just leave on his own. And yet... "You can keep hiding if you want, but it's pointless. You're not as subtle as you think."
"What the fuck are you up to?" There he was, finally out of the shadows. Alastor smirked as he glanced over his shoulder at the petite form of the Devil himself, oversized hat and all, glaring up at him.
"Errands, mostly. I know, diabolical! Do try not to faint at the abject horror to which I have exposed you." As he spoke, he slowly turned to face Lucifer, arms still full from his earlier tasks.
"Don't fucking toy with me. What kind of errands!? Who are you working for!? What's in that bag!?" Lucifer's cane tapped the bag that was dripping blood on his hand.
"Groceries."
"Yeah sure. I really believe you're not full of shit right now, you-" as he was ranting, Alastor shifted the packages so he could hand the bag in question over to his stalker. Lucifer blinked. He opened the bag, looking in. He reached in pulling out one of the many steaks inside. "Is this human?"
"Charlie doesn't care for human meat. So, no. But if you really want to try it, you're welcome to."
Lucifer sniffed at the meat; Alastor had no idea if one of the Devil's many powers included the art of meat identification- but he wasn't lying at this point in time- so he didn't really care. "Yeah okay. Fine." He dropped the slab back into the bag. "So, all of these bags are groceries?"
"Most of them."
"Bullshit."
Alastor sighed, placing all the bags on the ground so Lucifer could reach them. "Have at it." He gestured at the various bags. Lucifer immediately began pawing through them finding all sorts of horrible, incriminating items such as: food, snacks, beverages, and cleaning supplies (Niffty had her very particular brand she liked).
"What about the other store?" Lucifer had finally found the bags from Mimi's little shop. She had sealed them mostly shut for easy transport, but ease be damned, as Lucifer's little tantrum clearly took priority. So, Alastor got to watch him rip them open, reaching inside.
"You caught me. I know how dangerous the stuff is, but I just can't help myself." Alastor put a hand to his chest, feigning a look of shame. Lucifer's expression was priceless. He looked confused at first, then slowly his eyes narrowed, and his head carefully turned to look at Alastor directly.
"The fuck is this?"
"Yarn."
"Why do you have this!? Is it made of like human hair?"
"Really? Because I'm a Cannibal everything I do has to be cannibal related?" Alastor's smile was more bemused than anything else, as he raised an eyebrow at the speechless Devil. "It's angora, a little more expensive, I know. But sometimes it's nice to splurge on things you like."
"But... why?"
"Because some of us have hobbies other than neglecting our children."
"Okay listen here you sack of dicks-"
"Is this going to take much longer? Because I have to get back to dear Charlie at our Hotel."
"You think you're pretty God damn slick, huh? Well, you're not." Lucifer dropped the yarn back in the bag. "You got rid of the evidence! BUT I saw you do it."
"You did, huh?" Alastor put one hand on his hip and leaned his weight onto his cane. He watched as a second Lucifer appeared with Alastor's package over his head, jostling it about like it was some sort of cheap prize he had to shake free. "You know tampering with the mail is a crime, right?"
"I'm the king of Hell and I can do what I want." Lucifer took the package from the Clone, and it simply popped out if existence once the task was complete. "And I want to stop you from getting this contraband to your cohort." He showed the box to Alastor as if he hadn't been the one sending it out to begin with. "Why mail something to Rosie when you just saw her, hm?"
"Call me old fashion, but sometimes people like to get things in the mail. It's like a little surprise."
"That's a fucking load and you know it. Hell Mail doesn't reach its destination... like... ever." He began to rip into the packaging like a wild animal.
"That's why I paid extra. You are going to pay to have this sent again, right? It was quite pricy; I'll have you know."
"I am not going to send your evil-" he cut off as he reached into the shredded package and pulled out a: "... sweater?"
"Thank the Heavens, you stopped me before I started the matching scarf and hat, or the entire hierarchy of Hell might just crumble under the weight of such unadulterated malice." Alastor pretended to swoon, spinning around his on his heels, using his cane for leverage.
"Why was there a fucking sweater in the box!?"
"Because, my good man, it was a gift for Rosie. She did just put her life and the lives of her people on the line to save your daughter. I thought it might be a nice gesture."
"There has to be more to it than that."
"If you can find a way to make a hand-made sweater part of a big conspiracy, then hats off to you. Though you are the devil. Surely if anyone can, it's you."
"Don't fucking patronize me."
"Don't fucking follow me." Alastor smiled wider, crossing his arms, leaning forward and resting them on his cane so he could be more at eye level with Lucifer. "I'll admit, I am flattered. Being stalked by the King himself, it's a definite upgrade from the usual desperate assholes craving my attention."
"This is serious." The moment the words left his mouth, the devil seemed to regret them. Alastor leaned in a little closer.
"Is it?" He thought his smile might just split his face in two with how wide it felt. "Do tell."
"Fuck you!" And with that the Devil vanished, leaving a mess of Alastor's things in his wake.
"You're going to pay for that package!" Alastor had every reason to believe that Lucifer could still hear him. After all, he had spent an entire day eavesdropping on Alastor's private conversations, why would he stop now?
Sure enough, a portal opened up and an arm threw a wad of money in his direction before flipping him the middle finger and vanishing again.
"Thank you!"
He counted the money, more than enough for him to resend the package. That was good, he really did want it to get to Rosie. Of course this was all incredibly inconvenient, but... it was also interesting. Lucifer was certainly acting all out of sorts. Whatever had gotten into him could be something quite worth Alastor's while. If nothing else, watching another breakdown like that would be entertaining at the very least.
See?
He had been right
Today was a good day after all.