Chapter Text
By the time they retrieved the bag, traversed the hexed forest, and made their way to Bonesborough proper, Hunter was beginning to seriously reevaluate his life choices—specifically, the ones which had led him to becoming a door-to-door scaresman with what had to be the most talkative human in either realm.
“So, anyway, that’s the story of how I escaped the Conformatorium, King got a new fluffy friend—”
“Minion!!” The rat screeched from his perch on the human’s shoulder.
“Right, sorry. A new fluffy minion for his demon army, and Eda narrowly avoided a relationship that was draped in so many red flags, it would have made a bull muy loco. Oh, and got her head cut off, but that part was only temporary.”
Hunter sighed; he’d have to update the Owl Lady’s file when he got back to the castle. And probably start one for the human by the sound of it—she was already shaping up to be trouble. Not the most surprising thing for someone who had chosen the Owl Lady for a mentor, but still.
(He’d also have to see about starting a new investigation into Warden Wrath’s arrest record—as strange as eating your own eyeballs and writing fanfic about food love was, neither was technically illegal. Blatant abuse of authority and sexual harassment, on the other hand…)
“Ooh, wanna hear about the time I tried to create the first ever three ring rat circus? Hernandez Jr. was an absolute angel on the trapeze! We totally would have won the Gravesfield Pet Show if Polly hadn’t left her cat’s cage open.”
“No, thanks,” Hunter said flatly. “We should focus on delivering the Owl Lady’s potions so we can get back as soon as possible.”
“Hate to break it to ya, Jerkface, but Eda just gave us this job to get us outta her hair for a few hours. Nobody around here really wants to buy her Boil-B-Gone juice.” The furball bent over the human’s shoulder to root around in the sack, emerging with a bottle of grey, thin liquid a moment later. “I mean, look at this stuff. Would you pay good snails for something that looks this bad?” He took an experimental whiff. “Ugh, and smells even worse! P.U.!” He quickly clamped one claw over his nose and stuffed the vial back in the bag.
“What? Pfff, c’mon, King. There’s no way that’s true. Eda sent us on this quest because it’s going to teach us valuable skills that will one day save our lives in a terrible battle of good vs. evil. Right, Caleb?”
“Human, what about this mission—er, errand—could possibly make you think that the Owl Lady is trying to teach you battle tactics, of all things?” Hunter gestured around them at the myriad assortment of witches and demons going about their day.
“Well, uh,” the human glanced down the street, yelping slightly when one of the giant Drendous demons hopped up to a smaller harpy demon (his wife, if Hunter wasn’t mistaken), shot out his tongue, and pulled her into the pouch underneath his jaw. “M-maybe Eda’s testing our courage?” The human offered with a shiver. “So, that when the time comes, she’ll know we will stand bravely upon the field of battle without fear.”
Hunter shook his head as they passed a Not Dog cart, and the rat perked up suddenly, his attention drawn by the smell of cheap, rubbery jumping spiders. “Just so long as we don’t have to stand on the battlefield without food. Luz, buy me a Not Dog; I’m famished!”
“Didn’t you have, like, a whole bowl of mac ‘n cheese this morning?” The human questioned as she stepped up to the cart.
“What’s a ‘mac’? Some kinda human organ? We ate leftover cheesy eyes this morning. And that was a whole thirty minutes ago! I’m wasting away here!”
Hunter watched as the human’s eyes grew to the size of dinnerplates and a peculiar green discoloration crept across her face. He’d never seen that expression on a human before.
“We ate what?!”
Maybe she was allergic.
Eventually, after the furball scarfed down his snack and the human finished emptying the contents of her stomach into the only trash receptacle without teeth, Hunter managed to push the two of them into being semi-proper delivery-ghouls. Under his leadership, they visited 23 houses, spoke with 47 civilians, and sold half a cupful of Boil-B-Gone to two feuding warts on the end of a man’s nose. The human nearly perished four times, the rat nearly died six (only three of which could technically be considered Hunter’s fault), and by the end of it, the two of them nearly collapsed on the curb, completely exhausted from…walking around a lot? Pushing bottles in people’s faces?
Hunter stared down at the two of them, unable to curb the curiosity in his voice. “What’s the matter with you two? Get up, we aren’t done yet!”
“Dude, c’mon,” the human groaned. “Give us a break. I nearly lost my arm ringing that one guy’s doorbell.”
“But you didn’t. So, on your feet, human! The sooner we finish selling the Owl Lady’s sub-par tonics, the sooner we can get back to the sha—ah, Owl House.”
The rat squinted up at him. “Why do you wanna go back to the Owl House so bad, anyway?” He questioned, suspicion lacing every word. “Eda’s gonna pay you the same whether you work there or here.”
Hunter felt the tips of his ears starting to burn under the furball’s skeptical stare. He forced his expression into something distant and haughty but couldn’t quite keep his voice as steady as he wished. “N-none of your business, rat! I just don’t like…fresh air. That’s all.”
Now both of them were staring at him as if he’d just grown a third arm. Fan-freaking-tastic. He kept his face cool and detached, looking down on them as if they were so far beneath him, they’d have to walk on clouds just to touch him. The two of them shared a glance and it took every ounce of Hunter’s training not to cringe. He had not spent the past two months worming his way into the Owl House just to have all of his careful planning undone by a human and the Owl Lady’s pet rat!
“Seriously,” he tried again. “Get up. Don’t you want to…I don’t know, finish your triumphant quest and master the skills of, uh, pushy double-talk and pretentious emotional manipulation? Or whatever.”
The human pulled herself into a seated position. “I dunno,” she sighed, staring despondently at the ground. “I’m starting to think you and King were right. This feels less like the kind of magical adventure I’ve always dreamed about and more like Eda just getting me to do her work for her. I thought being the only human in a magical world would make me different—in a good way, this time—but so far, it’s just made everyone want to run from me or eat me.”
“Ugh,” Hunter groaned. “Feelings.”
The human’s frown grew, and she curled into herself even further. Hunter cleared his throat quickly. “Uh, I mean, don’t be so hard on yourself? Most people around here will eat anything that moves; trust me, you’re not that special.”
Her expression crumbled and Hunter quickly raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Ok, that came out wrong! What I meant was—”
“No,” she cut him off, sniffling as she stood up. “You’re right. I’m not special. This isn’t some enchanted magical quest and I’m no Azura. I’m just Luz.” She picked up the sack and started to trudge down a nearby alleyway. “Let’s just finish up and get back to the Owl House.”
“Luz!” The furball cried, jumping to his feet. “Don’t listen to Jerkface, he’s an idiot! And a jerk! Luz?”
The human ignored him, pushing through a tattered curtain, only to gasp loudly just as soon as she crossed the threshold. “But maybe I spoke too soon. Guys! You have to see this!”
“Is it another video of a cat with human lips?” The rat called warily. “Cause I still haven’t recovered from the last one you showed me!” He shuddered, glancing up at Hunter. “I’m telling ya, Jerky, that’s the stuff nightmares are made of.”
“Just get over here!”
“Nightmares,” the furball mouthed, before racing off to follow the human. Hunter shook his head but reluctantly made his way down the alley as well. The human had probably just found an abandoned gryphon chick or something. But if whatever it was distracted her from her disappointment (at least until Hunter was far enough away to not have to deal with it), then he wouldn’t complain. Besides, a baby gryphon couldn’t possibly be as annoying as the furball.
Hunter had several complaints. First, something about this Adagast character set him on edge. If he ‘ran a small potion business on the side’, why would he waste time with one of Eda’s dubious elixirs? Why did he feel the need to speak so softly and stroke his beard so often? Perhaps he was just naturally that soft-spoken and the beard thing was some sort of nervous tic or self-soothing response…but Hunter doubted it. Something about the way Adagast moved, the way he latched on to the human’s doubts and encouraged her delusions reminded him a little too much of the courtiers back at the castle, who would fawn and flatter those above them in public but spin vicious lies and rumors and cast even crueler spells in private.
And that wasn’t even touching on the ‘prophecy of a young human girl’ bit, either. Hunter had read every book in the Imperial Library at least twice, including those in the Restricted section. He had studied a plethora of journal articles and texts on every school of magic available including the Oracle track. He made it a point to personally keep abreast of any prophecies that might affect the Emperor or the Boiling Isles as a whole and Coven Head Osran himself was under strict orders to report to the Golden Guard immediately if he ever had a vision that he believed held even the slightest political significance. A human being able to claim a magical artifact from an enchanted pool would have certainly fit that bill.
So, if Luz was the chosen one, why had Hunter heard about it for the first time from a ‘creepy old man in jim-jams’?
He frowned, watching as the human laid the Owl Lady’s poorly constructed, talking training sword across her lap.
“Ah, I’m so excited! What kind of Chosen One should I be? Maybe an optimistic, inspirational Chosen One, like the Good Witch Azura? Ooh, or, how about a bad girl Chosen One with black nail polish and a mysteriously withdrawn attitude. I think I could totally pull that one off; what do you guys think?”
“I think your human sleep cocoon feels even better balled up like this,” the rat yawned as he kneaded the top of the bedroll. “You should leave it like this tonight. Comfy.” He turned around a couple times, curling his tail until the tip flopped over the bridge of his nose.
“Not about the bed, King. About me being the Chosen One! I knew I was meant for something important! I just have to decide the kind of hero I want to be.” She cast a teasing glance at Hunter. “Although maybe I should leave the ‘bad boy’ trope to the professionals, right Caleb?”
Hunter raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know what a ‘trope’ is, but I assure you, I’m no more a ‘bad boy’ then you are a ‘chosen one’.”
“Pffft, whatever you say, Mr. I-act-like-I-don’t-care-but-I-secretly-do. And f-y-information, I am the Chosen One, remember? Adagast said.”
“He also said you were supposed to find a ‘Celestial Staff’ from a ‘magical pool’.”
The human pouted. “Dude, I can hear you making finger quotes. What’s the big deal? It’s your standard Hero Goes On An Epic Journey of Self-Discovery To Find A Magical Thingamabob. And since you and King are coming, there’s even a side plot of Hero Wins With The Power Of Friendship. C’mon, you can’t tell me you’re not a little excited about that.” She grinned at him, but he only stared impassively back.
“The big deal is you can’t even see how badly you’re being played. Adagast is using you. I just haven’t figured out why. I mean, strategically speaking, it makes no sense. You can’t fight, you have no magic, and you’re about as threatening as a baby kitten. What could he want from you?”
“He wants me to find the staff. Obviously,” the human insisted. “That’s it. There’s no—” she gestured vaguely. “—Ominous secret motive or hidden meaning. He’s just a wise old wizard in need of a Chosen One to find his staff.” She picked up the defective training sword and pointed it valiantly at Hunter. “And I am just the Chosen One to find it.”
“You are an idiot. And good luck beating anything with that sorry excuse of a weapon.”
The human frowned, lowering her—seriously, Hunter couldn’t in good conscious even call that a blade. Whatever. She lowered it until the point grazed the floorboards, staring at him with hurt eyes. “You don’t think I can do it?”
The rat opened one eye, glaring at Hunter from the top of the bedroll. “Don’t answer that. That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”
“If this was a real mission to reclaim a lost artifact? No. You’d have died at least four times by now, ten if you took the rat—”
“Hey! Three of those instances were your fault!”
“—and that’s probably before ever making it out of Bonesborough. But it doesn’t really matter considering Adagast is lying through his teeth!”
“Actually, I think it matters very much!” The human retorted hotly, clutching the map in her hand as she glared at Hunter. “One of my friends doesn’t even believe me! What could be more important than that?”
“How about the fact that,” Hunter held up a finger, “one: there’s no such thing as a Celestial Staff, two: there has never at any point been a prophecy of any kind regarding a human in the Boiling Isles, and three: that map is clearly fake.”
“It is not!”
Hunter glanced down at the crumpled paper. “The ink is bleeding onto your hands as we speak.”
The human glanced down, only to scowl even further when she saw the smudges of blue and black staining her fingers. “So? It’s old, of course the ink is starting to fade! That doesn’t mean anything!”
Hunter groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. This girl was infuriating! “Why won’t you listen to me? I’m from this world, remember? I know how it works—you don’t. And I’m telling you, Adagast is plotting something.”
“What could that sweet old man possibly be up to?”
“I. Don’t. Know.” Hunter ground out, barely resisting the urge to throw his hands up like an overly dramatic new recruit. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out, if you would just—”
“Well, if you don’t know, then why are you accusing him? Do you even have any actual proof?”
“I told you—”
The human nodded. “Sí, sí you’ve never heard of the Celestial Staff or the Chosen One prophecy—but that just proves how true it is! Don’t you get it? There’s always someone in the book who doubts the hero and questions her power. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be a good story.”
“This isn’t a story, human! It’s real life. Your life!”
“Exactly!” Her scowl faded, replaced by a bright smile and—wait, were those literal stars in her eyes? “My life changed forever when I stepped through that portal. I’ve always felt different from everyone in Gravesfield. Now, I know why! I’m destined for greatness! Just like Azura!” She picked up the ‘sword’ and sheathed it in an equally flimsy-looking scabbard, which she swung over her back. “Look, at the end of the day it’s my quest and my decision. I’m going. What I want to know is are you two coming with me?”
The furball sighed; a long, pitiful, dramatic noise that Hunter absolutely did not roll his eyes at. “I mean,” he groused. “You did kinda help Eda and me break into the Conformatorium to get my crown back—even if Eda’s stupid boyfriend crushed it—so I guess fair is fair. But you do all the walking and I get to nap on your shoulders all the way there!”
“Deal!” The human pumped her fist and scooped up the Owl Lady’s pet in a bone-crushing hug-trap. “Gracias, King. You’re the best! Caleb?” She smiled at him as the furball draped himself around the back of her neck.
Hunter shook his head. “You’re being played for a fool, human. And you’re right, it is your decision. But I have a job to do here. I can’t tag along just to pull you out of trouble because you can’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality.”
The human’s smile vanished in an instant and if Hunter didn’t know better, he could have sworn some of the light in the room faded with it. “You know, you sound like my mom.”
Hunter lofted an eyebrow, ignoring the way his stomach lurched at the human’s low tone. “I’ll take that for a compliment; she sounds very wise. Perhaps you should listen to her advice more often.”
A sheen of moisture appeared in her eyes, but she didn’t let the budding tears fall. Instead, pressing her lips into a resolute line, she nodded once and shuffled to the door, her posture suddenly devoid of the enthusiastic energy she had portrayed only moments before. Hunter shuffled aside to let her pass, tracking her until she turned the corner and disappeared from his sight.
He didn’t know how, but suddenly he couldn’t shake the horrible, sinking feeling that he had made everything so much worse.