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The Pizza is a Lie

Summary:

"Hello and again, welcome to the EPF Science computer-aided enrichment center."

Don and Leo get ambushed by the EPF and are abducted from New York. Trapped in a facility and separated from his brother, Leonardo is forced to complete a series of portal-related tests while looking for a way to escape.

-------
I played Portal and Portal 2 recently and the brainrot won. What can I say?

Chapter 1: Test Chamber 0

Notes:

Spotify Playlist at the bottom of the fic if you want some ambiance :)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Waking up was instantaneous.

No half-awake blinking, no invisible weight pressing against sleep-weary limbs, no vague recollections of dreams fading into the unknown.

Leo knew exactly what had happened.

And he knew exactly who was missing.

What he did not anticipate, however, was the glass dome encasing his sleeping pod. He slammed face-first against the barrier as he attempted to jump from bed and into action, dropping back down like a rock ricocheting off a windshield. A groan bubbled up past his beak, hands shooting up to rub at his snout to dispel the shock.

Smooth move. A great start to a shitty day. Ugh.

The glass shifted with a hiss of air, warmth seeping into the refrigerator-cold pod as the door whirred open. Leo sat up again, his heart rate spiking at how the scene eerily reminded him of the Donnie pods a few months before. Leo, trapped in a metal and glass box, separated from his captured, injured brother. And yet again- this was all his fault.

Oh, Donnie.

Leo’s core twisted at the thought of his brother. Before leaving the Lair, Donnie had gotten alerts for Krang tech surfacing on his radar. They’d already found and destroyed a great deal in the aftermath of the invasion, not wanting it to fall into corrupt hands. Presently, they were only dealing with the final crumbs. Anything still tucked away in odd corners and crannies around the blast zone. Nothing operational. Nothing dangerous.

It was supposed to be quick. A run-of-the-mill chore completed on the way to the Run of the Mill. So simple that Raph and Mikey could go ahead and order. They’d be right behind them.

The attack was too clean. It was expertly calculated, driving them into a corner with brutal efficiency. This was something that took planning, intel, and stealth. And being that he and Donnie weren’t due a surprise party for another month at least, Leo’s fears could only run rampant regarding the why of their abduction.

Leo did have a few solid guesses, right off the bat. This had to be a facility of some sort. Government, maybe? Someone with money at the very least. And from the atrocious orange jumpsuit he was wearing in place of his gear, he could gather that this wasn't a social visit or allyship attempt. The two spring-like braces affixed to his calves were a mystery. They looked nothing like any knee or leg brace he'd ever seen... perhaps a form of impact-absorption technology? 

He was shut in a small cell with four floor-to-ceiling clear glass walls, placed dead center within a larger room. The larger room was awash in unnerving sterile white- from walls to floors to lighting. Too perfect. Too pristine. It just screamed sci-fi bullshit or alien horror movie. Beyond the sleeping pod, his cell had a toilet and a small table holding a radio, coffee cup, and clipboard. Outside, he could see at least two video cameras pointed his way.

Whoever these abductors were, they were watching him.

Two electric countdown clocks flickered to life moments after Leo spotted the cameras. One outside the room and the other on the wall above his sleeping pod. Not ominous. Not at all. They simultaneously began to filter down from one minute, with microseconds and nanoseconds cycling faster than the numbers could switch. Before Leo could make a move, speakers crackled from the ceiling.

“Hello and again, welcome to the EPF Science computer-aided enrichment center.”

Leo’s head snapped up, frantically looking for the source of the sound once Donnie’s voice bounced off the walls. Did his brother have eyes on him? Leave it to Donnie to already be in their systems. He hated to admit, he owed his brother a few slices at least for the hustle. Maybe a whole pie.

“We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one. Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin the test proper.”

“Donnie? DONNIE!” Leo called, cupping his hands around his mouth to amplify his voice. The cameras followed his movement. “Where are-”

“Before we start, however, keep in mind that although fun and learning are the primary goals of the enrichment center activities, serious injuries may occur. For your own safety, and the safety of others, p̸̩̃̏͊ḽ̶̇͊è̵̦â̸̰̗̥̿͘s̴̙̲͋̏e̷͍̮̣̒̽͝ ŗ̷̘̥̩̭̗̺̆̊e̵̬̝̼̽f̷̡̡̧͉̪͔̯̌̌̔̚r̵̡͔̰̬̫͕̘͚̉̉̈́͒̾a̷̰͗̔ḭ̷̡̟̖̗͒̋͐͐̎̄̂ṅ̴̟͚̮̤̮̂̒͋̉͝͠ f̸̛̜̄̊͂̓́̽̌͗͠r̴̛͍͔̉͗̅͋̚o̵̧̙͎̙̼̫̞͍͚̖̔͂̇̉̊̃̌̎̂m̶̧̰̈́̂̄͌̈̇-”

Before Leo could comment on Donnie’s rude interruption and question what he was going on about, static crackled over the speakers- loud, warbled, and unintelligible. Other than a few words.

 

Ṅ̷̡̛̝͈̳̰̠̲̣̬͕̮̳̝̾̈͒́̊̌̒͊͒̕͝͠ã̸̢͕̝͉͇̙͚̜͔̰̫͚̥̳̋̀̌̄̔̈͗̑͑̈́̀̕̕͜ͅr̶̡̡̘̖̦̝̺̯̪̦̞̞̪̠̍̊͌̽͂͗̓͒̈́̿̍̓̋̚͘̕d̴͓̀̕̕͜õ̴̡̧̧͈̗̘̪̻͚̹̦̖͎̫͍̲͗.

 

Donnie, I don’t under-”

 

Ơ̸̢̡̧͎͚͕͓̩̥͇̰͌̈́̓̑̽̀̅̌̚͝͝ú̶̡͇̪͓̻̲̺̫͈̮̒̇̂̈̇̑̀͗͛͗ť̵̢̲͚͍̱̤̰̩̘̆́͂͗̀̎̆́̂.̵̢̢̭̭̱̹͕̬̙̞̥̳̉ͅ

 

Can you even hea-”

 

P̸̰̞͓̰̪̂̋̈́̋́̈́͂̚l̴̮̰̓̇̄͐͝è̸͎͔͇͎̬̳͛͌a̴͕̗̦̮̬̺̬͐͌̽̇̚͝͝s̸̨̛̠̄̊͐̓̈́̔̅̚ḛ̷̢̡̗̼̻́̂̐̿!̵̢͙̩̦͍̜͗͋̋̃̌͠͝

 

The lighting flickered a pale violet during the static, rapid and frantic. A shiver ran down Leo’s spine, terror overtaking the fear rattling around in his head and lighting a fire of anger in his chest. He’d gotten ahead of himself. Classic Leo. Of course, it would never be this easy! Something was going on here, and if anyone had put a hand on his brother-

The static cuts out. Donnie’s voice rings out again, steady and clear. No emotion. “Stand back. The portal will open in three, two, one.”

Leo’s eyes snap to the wall at the end of his sleeping pod, seeing an orange portal flourish to life as the timer reaches zero.

A portal, huh? Not one of his. Nor one of Mikey’s either, despite the color. It didn’t have the energy of anybody in the family. Or the energy of any portal that he’d seen before. It just felt empty. Dead.

But it was a way out. Leo wasn’t getting any more new information from this place and he needed to find Dee. That had been his brother over the intercom. But Donnie didn’t seem to have freedom over what he was saying. So, Leo had to operate on the idea that at this point, he and his brother were both still trapped. Both still pieces in their captors' grand design. However, sometimes to learn the game, you had to play the game.

Bring it on.

Leo stepped through the portal, the back of his neck prickling in discomfort by how little sensation he felt upon entry and exit. It was like stepping through a doorway. No tingle of power dancing over his scales, no delay from one portal to the other. Like the rest of this place, the portal was sterile and lifeless. It somehow took the joy out of defying physics. Boiled it down to utility. Simply a way to travel from one location to another.

Shaking the unease, Leo surveyed his surroundings. He was now outside the glass cell and inside the room proper. From his new viewpoint, he could see a round doorway that had been out of his range before. It was open and unguarded. Purposefully so, if Leo had to guess. They wanted him to continue going forward. And he had to. Staying was a lose situation. Going through was a lose situation, but at least it revealed more of the game board to him.

“Alright, for Donnie’s honor.” He mused, mostly to himself. He had no idea if Donnie could hear him. Or if anyone could hear him for that matter. It was more than likely. If these were government or sci-fi scientist types, they’d be gathering as much data as possible. Especially if they were anything like Donnie.

What was he thinking? These assholes got the drop on them. Of course, they were like Donnie. Too smart. But that came with a cost. They had to overthink something in this setup. Leo just had to play along long enough to find it.

Or- maybe they weren’t overthinking anything. Haha. The next room only held a giant red button that Leo one hundred percent, totally definitely, absolutely did not want to press. At all. That, and a large metal cube that reached just above his hips. It had a logo pressed onto each side- a seal of an eagle atop a triangle that enclosed the earth. Text was embossed above and below the image- EARTH PROTECTION FORCE and E.P.F.

Huh. Leo always thought their first encounter with the government would be when the IRS finally came after Donnie. Still, this was not the worst-case scenario. Disaster Duo vs the US Government? Leo liked their odds. They’d fought their way out of worse.

Regarding the task at hand: a button and a cube. Kind of an insulting puzzle, even if they were only trying to establish a baseline. He and Tello had put up a fight before their capture- these jerks had an idea of what he was capable of. This was just disrespectful! Grumbling under his breath, he picked up the cube and dropped it onto the button unceremoniously. A dotted path of blue lights spanning across the ceiling from the button to the door switched to an orange hue. Upon completion, the metal doors split down the center and slid open.

So, Leo was a rat in a maze, was he? Then what role were they forcing Donnie to-

“Excellent. Please proceed into the chamber-lock after completing each test.”

Ah, there he was. Still too calm. Too monotone, even for Donnie. He must be reading off a script of some type. Which meant that his brother wasn’t going to be sharing with the class. Fantastic. How was he going to organize a grand rescue if he didn’t have a handle on all the details? The last thing he needed was to make a move that hurt Donnie somehow.

At least if Donnie was talking, he was alive. Leo could work with that. And if his brother was near any of this tech, then the EFP only had a matter of time before Donnie turned everything around. Then they’d be in trouble. Hah.

“First, however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This EPF Science Material Emancipation Grille will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it. For instance, the EPF Science Weighted Storage Cube.”

Leo stepped partway through the new doorway, seeing a thin, near-invisible barrier spanning from wall to wall. It was like looking at the horizon on a hot day, the space in front of him wavering and marginally distorting the walkway ahead of him.

Yeah, Leo wasn’t going to walk through that without a test of his own. The portals were one thing. But he’d seen enough lab explosions to know that sometimes things did not work as intended. And being that there wasn’t a reliable way to reverse vaporization, Leo didn’t want to roll those dice.

He stepped back into the button room, lifting the cube and frowning as the door swished shut again. Pointless. Why bring something up if he couldn’t test the theory for himself? Joke’s on them! He wouldn’t be deterred so easily.

Leo stalked back into the first room, passing through the portal and stepping past his sleeping pod. Bingo! He quickly collected the radio, coffee mug, and clipboard in his arms and returned to the button room. As he walked, he gave the clipboard a once over. An information sheet with the EPF logo at the top. Hazard symbols, all of which did not look pleasant. Drowning, being crushed, being shot at… yikes. The cake at the end was promising at least. Right?

The radio crackled to life as he approached the exit door, stealing Leo’s attention. The first few seconds of the Jupiter Jim theme song echoed in the silent space, almost stealing a surprised laugh from Leo. His ninpo sparked to life in his chest unprompted, warming his senses and chasing away the lingering cold hiding in his bones. It flourished stronger once he felt traces of Donnie’s ninpo buzzing against the scales in contact with the radio. Faint but present. It still surprised him sometimes, what his genius brother was capable of. A localized mystic disruptor… disrupter. Hidden in plain sight. Donnie was still trying to help, even if indirectly. But how did he even have a chance to hide this, let alone build it?

The theme song tapered into a few seconds of static, stabilizing moments after.

 

"- Ö̵̡̺͔̤́͑̆̕b̸̛̤͈͚̠̠̾s̸̼͖̓̀͒̍̒͘ͅè̴̈̾͜r̷̢̢̟̦͕̍̾̓̈́v̴̬̽ḁ̷͉̙͐̇̓́̆̇t̶͉̫̱̘̬̊̍͑̏̔̌̈͜ḭ̴̢̡̱̫̘̓̈́o̷̡͇̘͇͚͐͗͋͛̚n̶͓̞̱̘̍̄̎̾ ̸̂͜L̷̛̟̓̎̔̕͝ǫ̴̭͇̽͜g̵͖̮̦̊͆̀ ̴͎̙̗̹̂̈́̌͆̓ ̷̞̎ ̸̘͉̆̇̚ͅ ̷͈̜̈́ ̸̱͑ ̷͉̣̍͒͝ ̸̛̥̲̎̓̉ ̷̯̼̥̾̊ ̴͍̈̀ ̷̧̬̥̃̂̀͊ ̶̜̖͇̳̀̈̿̆ ̶͎͖͎̈́͝.
If anyone is listening, I've hidden this well enough." A badly suppressed sniffle interrupted the flow, pulling the corners of Leo's mouth down into a concerned frown. "First, I need to say I am sorry. For everything ahead, I am deeply, deeply sorry. Stay strong. Persevere. Don't trust anything. And if you survive, I only ask one thing..."

 

"...B̷̨̬̤͔̥̥͉̱͍͍̜̜̦̲̣̓̆͊͋͝u̴̧̦̳̪̤͕͓̪͓̱̓͝ŗ̶̖̯̗̼̈́͆͝͝ͅn̶̻̖̦̼̰͇̙͍̙̬͙̋̿̄͊͛̿̇̉̂̀̅̈́͗̕̚ͅ ̸̖͉͕̿̈́̓̆̆́͒͊̎̑̈́̈́̊̕t̶̗̘͔̤̙̲̱̳͚͖̠͐̇̾̆̏̋̒͒̕͘̚͜͝͝h̵̻͒̎͊̉̐i̴̪̳̤̭̜̝͆̈́s̵̡̰̞̯͇̪̙̽̎̽͠ ̷̢͖̠̺̜͚̫͎̝̠̜͍̟͆̋̍̇̀̇̔̎̀̈́̚͜p̸͖̙̫̳͈̻̳̍͠ͅl̶̝͐̀̃̔̈͊̈́ả̸͇̆̈́̀c̵̤̥̗̼̮͇͎̟̣͚̮͈͈̑̊̄́̔́̀̑̌̔͂̑̒͝͝ȩ̴͙̤̦͕̪̻̩̳̩͇͕̖͊͌͑͑̑͊͋̂͋̂͑̌̏̿ͅ ̶̨̩̼̇̊̏̐̑̉͂̅͂͋̍̓̍͝͝t̴̨̛͓̦͔̝͐̀̕ͅǫ̴͎͍̳̝̱̗͆͠͝ ̸͖̫̠̜͓̺̘̩̼͈̾̋́͗̀̕͝ţ̷̞̱͕̰̳͙̅̆̓̑͋̔̆͊͊͆̒̚͠ḫ̴͈̳͋́͆̐̆̎ė̶̡̢̡̬̰͙̮̬̤̹͕͖̥͉̾͛̐͐ͅ ̴͖͓̐̔͜g̷̖̗̣̪̘̬̳̉̈̋̑̇͑̍̄̓̾̌̂̕͜͠͝ͅr̷̢͚̳̮͎̤̣̜̣̙̭͍̤͂͌̌͐͒́̕ͅơ̶̡͕̟͇̞̼̽̎̽̑̀̎͌͛̄͘͝u̶͖͓̟̖̤͓͈͖͇̝̽̉̆̈n̸̡̺̼͉̯̞̳̬͕͙̈͆̍̿̇̀͝͠ḑ̸̼͕͎̤̙̺̳̲̀̏͌̿̒̂͑̄̈̎͠."

 

 

Leo remained frozen in horror, staring at the radio as it shut down and fell silent. Donnie sounded so resigned. And not in a 'protecting his bad boy image' emotionless passion way. Donnie only sounded like that when he was past the stage of a major freakout, having burned through all his energy. But that couldn't be right. They hadn't even been trapped for a day! And Donnie knew that nothing would stop their family from finding them. Nothing on this Earth could stop Leonardo from finding Donnie- hopefully also giving him the location of whoever had driven the softshell to this emotional state. He had a few words for them. Not funny ones. This wasn't even close to funny. 

Leo stood before the next doorway, narrowing his eyes at the energy field with a renewed focus. He tossed the clipboard through, wincing as it disintegrated into black ash and dispersed into a cloud of dust.

“This EPF Science Material Emancipation Grille will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it.”

Leo tossed the coffee mug, unfazed as it too vaporized into nothing.

“This EPF Science Material Emancipation Grille will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it. Y̸͍̒o̷͎̐u̶͈͠ ̶̼̈́s̸͕̊h̵̻́ö̸̩u̴̬͐l̶̩̇d̵͈͆ ̷̘̎k̵̫̋ņ̵̂o̵̡͑w̷̓͜ ̸̪̄t̴̹̿h̵̬͑a̴̼͛t̴̤̚ ̴̼͂b̵̞̏y̵̌͜ ̴̘̈n̷̞̿o̶̪̽w̵̱͋.̸̯̑”

“Hey, I don’t appreciate the snark, you dweeb. Am I not supposed to be suspicious of an energy field that turns anything to dust? Just trust that it has my well-being accounted for? No, sir, not a chance!” Leo crossed his arms into an X, sticking his tongue out at the nearest camera.

“You are not unauthorized equipment. Please proceed into the chamber-lock after completing each test.”

So, they did have audio. And Donnie could hear him. Nice. That simplified things. But what about the radio? Why hide it here, when it would be destroyed by the particle field once he left the room? Couldn’t there have been a better spot?

Perhaps it served its purpose. Donnie wanted to warn him. He had been warned. Cryptically, sure. But that was just him being nit-picky.

“Fine, but if I get vaporized, you have to be the one that tells Mikey. Don't put that on Raph.”

Leo stepped through the field, energy vibrating over his scales but ultimately leaving him unharmed. The radio disintegrated in his arms, letting purple static code escape and disperse around him. Bye Donnie. His ninpo also extinguished, once again lying dormant and out of reach. The air around him felt more fridged in its absence.

It had been nice while it lasted at least. Having the small comfort of his ninpo being pulled away again allowed for hypervigilance to take root in his mind. Normally their opponents just told them what they wanted. Power. Liberation. Conquest. These people were craftier. They didn’t say the quiet part out loud.

And that’s what scared him the most about this place. It weighed on him as he strolled down the walkway and into the waiting elevator. The doors hissed shut behind him and the ground shook as they ascended to the next floor. 

Was he being tested?

Or was Donnie?


Notes:

I played Portal and Portal 2 for the first time recently and LOVED them. The games were big when I was in middle school, so it was weirdly nostalgic despite never playing myself. And of course, how could I not think of rottmnt parallels? The portals are blue and orange. It's right there!

Please feel free to chat with me on Tumblr, I'd love to talk turtles- https://www.tumblr.com/caffinatedcastiel