Chapter Text
“Fuuuuuuuuck…” Lucifer Morningstar, the First Angel, The Lightbringer, Light of Life… was on the brink of going into a panic. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” She hissed, repeating the word over and over as she double-checked her findings, all the while trying to keep her breathing even.
‘Two lines means positive’, the text read. Lucifer’s eyes glanced over the letters over and over, hoping against all hope that it would change; that it would morph into a big old ‘gotcha, dummy!’, or that the test in her other hand—and the six others spread over the sink—would suddenly change to negative.
“How, how, how…?” She griped, cradling her head in her arms as she leaned forward on her seat, gripping at her hair while letting the items she was holding clatter to the floor. She fucking knew how, of course, but, “why?” A shuddering breath left Lucifer.
“Hey, uh… boss?” Malina’s voice came in through the door after a couple of knocks. “Are you okay?” The Sour Demon hesitantly asked. “You, uh… it’s just, you’ve been there for a while, and Cerberus said you’re crying, and…” there was a bit of shuffling. “Well, she had to go back to Hell, so she asked me… anyway, are you okay?”
Was she? Lucifer wasn’t sure. She’d never been pregnant before; Cerberus’ existence was the same asspull of magic that her father had done when he wanted to try and make his own humans, because ‘if Zeus could do it, then so could he’.
And then Lucifer went and seduced Adam and Eve—Yes, that was a much better use of her time, thinking about the threesome she had with two of the three humans that Yahweh made, where she invented food play.
“Um… boss?”
“I’m—!’ The words died in her throat. Lying… she could just lie, but that would be debasing herself. Lies were for those who couldn’t make the truth work. “Fuck!” She screamed, bolting from her seat and yanking the bathroom door open.
“Woah!” Malina yelped, sharply stepping out of the First Angel’s way. “What—Why are you—” She cut herself off once she looked into the bathroom. “Holy fuck.”
“Yeah!” The Queen of Hell let out a breathless, humorless bark of a laugh. “So, you tell me, am I okay?!”
“...No?” The Sour Demon hesitantly said.
“Good fucking guess!” The Devil mockingly praised, heavily leaning her back on the wall behind her. “Fuck!”
“...Wait, isn’t it March—Are you?”
“Yeah,” Lucifer interrupted, running both hands down her face. “If I go all nine months, I’ll be giving birth in December.”
“Okay,” Malina coughed, “h-how real is the whole antichrist thing?”
The look that Satan gave the other Demon was answer enough.
“Sorry.”
“It’s…” The CEO of Hell let out a tense sigh. “It’s fine. Just… I’m sick and tired of the whole evil thing—I fucking punish evil, for fuck’s sake.” She shook her head. “Fuck.”
“Er… not to be that chick, but…” Malina cleared her throat. “Didn’t you do the whole apple thing? And… well, there was the torture of that one guy, and tempting Big J in the desert—”
“Okay, so maybe I’m not perfect!” It was still weird for the First Fallen to admit that, but it was the truth. “But I wasn’t trying to tempt Jesus! I was trying to get that idealistic brat to not starve to death!”
“Uh-right…” The Sour Demon grimaced. “I don’t think we… that doesn’t… you know—It’s just… You’re pregnant,” she eventually settled on saying, letting out a huge sigh as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “How—what do we do?”
“We?” Lucifer raised an eyebrow at the other woman.
“What?” Malina shrugged with discomfort. “You think we’re just gonna leave you alone?”
The Queen of Hell stared at the Sour Demon in contemplation, something indescribable shining in her eyes. “You were human, weren’t you?”
“U-uh, yeah?” The alcoholic gamer stammered, looking at The Devil with trepidation. “What about it?”
Lucifer hummed in consideration. “Nothing. I was wondering if you knew anything about pregnancy—”
“Like, firsthand?” Malina choked. “Fuck no. I only ever had one boyfriend before Zdrada went and…” A disheartened look overcame her features. “L-look, I was never pregnant, okay? I barely had sex, since I was in my room playing games all day.”
“I hear people like gamer girls,” Lucifer conversationally mused.
“Yeah, well, gamer boys hardly ever shower,” the Sour Demon’s nose scrunched up in disgust. “Like, sure, I skipped a day sometimes, but that doesn’t come close to the BO some dickbacks brought to the few dates I had.”
“What about that boyfriend you mentioned?”
“When did this become about me?” Malina frowned. “What’s your game here?”
“I’m trying not to panic, honestly.” Lucifer dry-gulped. “It’s gonna be a rough time…”
“How’re you gonna tell Dom?” the Sour Demon’s expression softened.
“Tell me what?”
The two Demons stared at each other with wide eyes for a few seconds before looking over at the human who’d just turned the corner on the hallway.
“Uh…” Malina blanked out.
“Well…” The Devil hesitated.
“Is that a pregnancy test?” Dominik asked, looking at one of said tests discarded on the floor, and though his eyes were hidden by his sunglasses, it was easy to tell his eyes widened.
“Shit,” Lucifer grumbled. “Surprise?”
The Helltaker made a noise.
“I’m… gonna go.” Malina coughed, and quickly ran away from the pair, almost running into her sister as she made for the stairs.
“Woah, pint-size! What’s got you in—Woah, hey!” Zdrada balked as her younger sister pushed her out of the way.
“Fucking Lucifer is pregnant and I’m finding a place to hide,” the Sour Demon dazedly muttered as she rushed down the steps.
“LUCIFER’S PREGNANT?!” The Bitch Demon exclaimed in honest shock, her words reaching everyone in the house.
“THE SNAKE IS WHAT?!” Judgement’s voice quickly called
Malina tried her best to ignore her housemates’ reactions to the situation, rushing to the kitchen in the hopes of distracting herself with some alcohol, only to come across a frothing at the mouth Azazel, and Modeus who was… “Seriously?” The Sour Demon sneered at the Lustful Demon, who was busy tugging the Angel’s pants down. “She’s having a seizure, you weirdo.”
“I’ll have you know my pussy-eating skills are so good that I can heal others..”
“I… seriously?” Malina balked. Modeus never lied about her sexual prowess, but her latest claim was especially ridiculous.
“I can show you later.”
The Sour Demon grabbed the first bottle she could see and rushed back to her room. She’d play some games, ignore everyone screaming—
“Hey, if you got her, then I want some, too! And I also want nieces and nephews!”
And plan to murder Zdrada at a later date.
Malina already had her own issues to deal with, she wouldn’t risk a pregnancy on top of them.