Chapter Text
[Click]
ELIJAH: Hello, welcome, why don’t you take a seat, get comfortable? Relax! Take a second if you need to; any of these mats will suffice. Now you two have been here before but as you see some things have changed around here recently. Jedidiah used to these but he truly was dreadful at it. I mean “conflict mediation”? The poor man can’t even solve his own conflicts! He’s too afraid of confrontation for that. Isn’t that right?
JOSHUA: Yeah dude totally…but like, shouldn’t we be, ya know, stating our names and perspectives and all that right now? The usual..?
YVONNE: Joshua! Don’t interrupt him.
ELIJAH: That’s alright Yvonne, I don’t blame Mr. Macheath for being confused. Change can be confusing.
JOSHUA: Heh heh
ELIJAH: Ahem, as I was saying. There’s gonna be some change in how we do these now.
[with a flourish] Welcome to your Meditation session!
JOSHUA: Aww that’s boringggg!
YVONNE: [Solely to piss off Joshua] Well, I think that’s a great idea. Thank you, Elijah.
ELIJAH: You're very welcome, Yvonne. I’d like you guys to start by sitting cross-legged on your mats. Can you do that for me?
[THEY COMPLY]
Lovely! Now I’ve got a bell here, we’re going to breathe in with the first ring and breathe out with the next ring, alright?
JOSHUA: Ugh
ELIJAH: You have something to share already Mr Macheath?
JOSHUA:[resigned whine] No.
[BELL RINGS TWICE, THE COUNSELORS BREATH]
ELIJAH: Good!
[BELL RINGS TWICE MORE]
Now that we’re hopefully feeling a little more relaxed, why don’t we start the healing? Yvonne care to start us off?
YVONNE: Um sure? So Joshua hosts this thing he calls his Gamer Hour—
JOSHUA:[interrupting] Ah, my Alpha Gamer Hour.
YVONNE: Dude, I’m not calling it that.
JOSHUA: [whiny] Yvonne!
ELIJAH: Do we need to do another round of breathing?
JOSHUA: Fine, call it what you want.
ELIJAH: Please do continue Yvonne.
YVONNE: Anyway, so during Joshua’s [with emphasis] Gamer Hour, he hooks an old game system up and plays with the kids, it’s fun and the kids love it. But lately… I think he’s been getting out of hand. I’m all for competition; don’t think I’m one of those people who goes easy on kids; but, I mean you made one cry yesterday!
JOSHUA: He was a sensitive kid!
YVONNE: You called him a cunt!
JOSHUA: [stuttering over his words] I-I mean, he was being a cunt…
YVONNE: See what I mean!?
ELIJAH: Watch your language Mr Macheath, do you have anything to add? You’re side of the story?
JOSHUA: Well…um…[spitballing] Yvonne is constantly undermining my authority around the kids!
YVONNE: What does that have to do with anything?!
JOSHUA: See she’s not denying it!
ELIJAH: I urge you to stay on topic, this doesn’t seem very relevant to the conversation.
JOSHUA: But it has everything to do with the conversation!
ELIJAH:[dryly] Really? How so?
JOSHUA: I uh…um, Yvonne’s just jealous!
YVONNE:[scoffing in disbelief] Jealous?!
ELIJAH:[What is he on about?] You think Yvonne…is jealous. Of you?
JOSHUA: Hey! It’s not that unbelievable! I mean this whole week she’s been on my butt about everything I do! Like when I tell the kids to get their cabin cleant up! She always like-
YVONNE: Hold on, cleant up?
JOSHUA: Yeah? What? The cabins like always dirty?! Is it so bad to wanna see it all cleant up one day?
[YVONNE LAUGHS]
JOSHUA:[whiny] Whattttt!?
YVONNE:[laughing] Dude, cleant is not a word! It’s cleaned!
JOSHUA: What yes it is?! Cleant is totally a word!
ELIJAH: Cleant, is not in fact a word Mr Macheath.
YVONNE: Ha Ha! Told you!
JOSHUA: Ok fine whatever! We’ll talk about this later. Actually, this is exactly what I’m talking about! She’s always on me for little things like this, and she points them out in front of the kids! It's undermining my authority!
[YVONNE LAUGHS AGAIN]
JOSHUA: Hey, it's my turnnn!
YVONNE:[Still laughing] Sorry go on.
JOSHUA: The kids like me are so hard to believe! [slowly losing confidence] And you know maybe she doesn’t like it. She can’t handle my work now and play later attitude. She’s always telling me to “chill out”. I’m chill! I’m very chill! I can be just as cool as she is!
YVONNE: Joshua…?
JOSHUA: How come she’s allowed to play around with the kids!? When she curses she’s suddenly so cool and laid back but when I do it, ohh god forbid!
[to Yvonne]
I do it, and I send a kid out crying! Crying to you, because somehow you’re the only one they all look up to. It just doesn’t make sense!
ELIJAH: It’s normal when you feel powerless or inadequate to lash out and blame it on other people. We’re here to work through those feelings and promote-
JOSHUA: [pissed] Can it, super nerd. I don’t need therapy bullshit spewed in my face.
ELIJAH: Language!
YVONNE: Woah Joshua calm down. He’s just trying to do his job.
JOSHUA: You know what, while we’re on that. What is it that you even do here, if you don’t mind me asking? We barely see you, most of the kids don’t know who you are, and it’s not like you actually do anything helpful! You just sit in your office all the time. The only person I’ve ever seen you talk to outside of…well whatever this is, is Jedidiah and you're even weirder around him!
YVONNE: You’re changing the subject again! Can we go back to what you were saying before?
JOSHUA: You're the one who told me he was being weird around him! You were going on and on about how worried you were about Jedidiah and how he’s been pulling away. You literally said you thought it was Elijah's fault!
YVONNE: Hey! I did not give you permission to share that!
JOSHUA: Now I don’t know what's up with your sudden attitude shift but–
[BELL RINGS]
ELIJAH: Counselors, why don’t we pause for a second and breathe? Need I remind you of the reason that you’re here?
JOSHUA: No :(
YVONNE: Now back to me [still trying not to laugh] being jealous?
JOSHUA: Ok FINE, maybe I’m the jealous one! Maybe I know the campers like you better, and maybe I don’t like that. Maybe I was trying to be more like you and it blew up in my face.
YVONNE: Well maybeee you don’t need to try as hard.
JOSHUA:[Warmly] Maybe you're an Asshole.
YVONNE:[matching his energy] Wowww maybe you’re a dickhead.
JOSHUA: Maybe you're a cunt.
YVONNE: Maybe you should just…be you?
JOSHUA: [laughing] Who are you right now?! That sounded like something out of a kid's cartoon.
YVONNE: [cringing] Yup, I hated it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
JOSHUA: Sooo…like are we cool?
YVONNE: Yeah dude of course! Just don’t lose your shit on the kids again.
JOSHUA: I didn’t “lose my shit”! I honestly thought I was being funny. Look, I’m sorry, I went too far and I didn’t realize.
YVONNE: Don’t worry about it. Maybe I’ll teach you my “ cool counselor secrets” sometime.
JOSHUA: Yeah right, fuck face!
YVONNE: Shit lord!
JOSHUA: Damn that was good, you M—
ELIJAH: [purposefully cutting him off] Looks like this session has been A success! I’m glad I could help you two get in touch with your emotions and find a middle ground.
JOSHUA: Um…sure? Can we go now?
ELIJAH: Yes, yes. If the conflict is solved then I have done my job and the session is complete. Stay out of trouble and all that.
YVONNE: Bye!
ELIJAH: Yvonne, do say hello to Jedidiah for me?
YVONNE: [Hesitant] Yeah…sure.
[THEY GET UP AND LEAVE]
ELIJAH: Ugh finally.
[Click]