Chapter Text
It started as a test, how long could this go on with no one realizing? Slowly it snowballed into a ‘who will be the first one to realize she wanted to disappear’ and the answer was no one; well not yet. Maxine didn’t have an end goal, she just wanted what MANG was before, she doesn’t even know what before because she can’t seem to truly define what the breaking point was, that started the earthquake so dramatic it shattered her life. Or maybe she was just dramatic.
Marcus would be back from rehab in a few weeks, she hasn’t spoken to him aside from the forced hellos’ her parents would make them give after they were fed up by her shitty mood towards her brother. She had texted a few times in the MANG groupchat, sent a few silly memes that would pop up on her phone and was responded by a blank lol or some laughing emojis from Norah and then silence. No one really texted her solo, well Abby did. She texted once talking about how she was sorry about the leaving out actions she had partaken in but she never continued the conversation the next day, Maxine ended it with thoughts of she was most likely drunk and just didn’t care enough to fix it the next day.
Since theater had ended she didn’t really have anything to do all dayl, she would occasionally go outside and she ran around the block once this summer before her chest started to ache and she couldn’t breathe. Her phone was her safe place, no one would text so she wasn’t bombarded with accusations or complaints about her personality and it seemed people on the internet knew her better than anyone did ever. Now, Maxine knows she has always been a bit of an attention seeker, I mean that’s why she loves being the lead in the play; all eyes are on her and everyone is paying attention to her.
It started with a 3am doomscroll through her for you page, which was flooded with tiktoks that matched her every thought, the algorithm will do that. These vent accounts would pop up during her scroll, girls her age crying with captions depicting exactly how alone or sad she feels and she just felt a connection towards them like she knew how they were feeling. So she made a new account.
What was odd is, she didn’t want to turn off contact connections. She didn’t feel uneasy knowing anyone with her number could easily find this account that she feels like she could post all her deep dark twisty secrets onto, but she turned it off just for the sake of her mind. She hadn’t meant to get addicted to Tiktok, i mean everyone she had talked to said not to get it because you will become a tiktok obsessed zombie but now no one talks to her, and the internet… well the internet does talk to her. She found her algorithm quickly, videos that made her feel complete and seen were after every scroll and the tears didn’t make her want to stop.
July came and went, by now she had grown into a sort of routine. Marcus had been home for a bit, he still hadn’t spoken a single sentence to her and she did try; she would go into his room and he would turn his back not even muttering a get out. She would wake up around ten, no matter when she went to bed it was always ten but she never saw the sun her curtains were always drawn shut. Her parents barely went in the room, if they were ever upstairs it was to make sure Marcus was okay, alive. Sometimes she heard him sneak out, or maybe she heard Ginny sneak in but if she did she never came to her door. The moment she woke up to the moment she fell asleep she was on her phone, it was her safe space afterall. She had grown a bit of a following on Tiktok, posting multiple times a day and everyone loved her on there they would comment things that Maxine could sympathize with and they would leave her hearts on tragic posts, a few times she would spot a comment calling her dramatic and her followers would already be under it insulting the guys facial features and defending Max. She felt happy when she was online, so many people adored her and it just made her feel on top of the shitty world that was crumbling below her.
Sometimes though, when the thoughts got too much for her. When the voice in her head that was telling her she left the stove on, telling her she is the reason her family will die, got too loud she couldn’t take it. She didn’t know how it started, one moment tears were flooding down her eyes, her hands were banging against her skull trying to make it stop and the next. She was looking at her wrist, bleeding through the peeks of the fingers she put over to calm the bleeding. She dropped the knife on the ground fast, it made a loud clink sound and she rushed to wash the blood off her arm she vowed to never let it get that low again, never ruin her body again. The vow she made to herself broke a week later.
“Max!” The voice pierced through the darkness of her room, she knew that in about two minutes she would hear footsteps coming towards her door. “Max!”
Max covered her ears and threw the old Mousse hoodie over her day-old clothes. Her mom knew what she wore yesterday and she didn’t feel ready to take on another lecture about hygiene. Max tried not to look in mirrors anymore, the sight of her shadow colored eyebags, her skin had lost a lot of color, she had grown paler, and she felt lanky like when she walked she was breaking sticks in her bones. “What mom,” She asked, her hands doing halfassed signs.
Ellen didn’t seem to notice her daughter's appearance, or maybe she was used to it. “Max, I know you usually hang out with your friends at their houses now,” She had lied to her mom once a week, taking the opportunity to go out into the woods and lay in a clover field when the sun has set, giving her mom the idea that MANG or better yet, MAN was still hanging out. They were, just not with her. “But, I think it would be nice to invite all the girls over for a fourth of july barbeque.” Ellen smiled, her head cocked in a position that Maxine knew she had already planned most of the party.
She scratched her head, the strands of her hair felt extra stringy. “Wasn’t the fourth last weekend?” She sighed, she felt so tired.
“Yes, but I was out of town for…” She paused, ever since Marcus had gotten home her family stopped saying words that were about Marcus’s rehab. She guessed they were embarrassed over their only son's actions and how far they had gotten, if only they knew. “Anywho, do you want to invite them over for this weekend? You don’t have any plans right?”
She stared at the floor, her legs growing taller and further apart it seemed. “I don’t know mom… I’m kind of.. Tired.” She looked up at her mom, imagining that she would rush to her, give her a hug and just start making her feel better.
It didn’t happen, “Well go back to sleep hun, I’ll text the moms!” She smiled, almost skipping towards her bedroom and Maxine wanted to punch herself in the face for what the weekend was about to entail.
Maxine dropped herself onto the carpet, pulling out her lifelong and there was once again no new messages. She opened her tiktok, it was almost a reflex to seeing the empty phone. She read through the notifications, she didn’t get as many now but she didn’t mind she still felt safe with the few she got.
“I get it… my sister killed herself last may and my parents forgot I existed completely.” a user commented, she had seen them like a few recent posts and even though all the comments were sad and relatable this one felt different. She felt like she could personally relate to this person’s thoughts, even though she didn’t even have a follow back button to click.
She surfed through a bit more comments, none of them really making her feel anything. It was a lonely feeling, searching for someone online to give her hope of a future or likelihood of her likeability.
A text popped at the top of her phone, “max?” It was Abby. Recently Abby had begun texting her, not a lot just… texts. There was one from two weeks ago, one from three days ago and then today. She wanted to text back, explain how alone and sad she feels and how she wants her friends to help her. But, she just swiped the notification away and scrolled through tiktok; laying on her side as her phone stretched out over her hand.
Maxine didn’t sleep. All Friday night into Saturday morning she laid awake wondering, what about MANG? Will they even show? Does she want them to show? The thoughts just… they just kept coming. She couldn’t stop them. The thoughts felt as if they were bulging out of her brain, her skin was peeling to make room for them. The couldn’t feel her hands, her legs, her heart. Her heart hurt. And then a stinging pain.
“Fuck.” She whispered, cursing under her breath as the pain seized through her veins they threw the thoughts away. She rushed to grab the shirt she left by the sink, the last time it happened. She had used the rest of her bandaids the last time, it had been happening too much and she couldn’t stop it. The cold water hurt, so did the hot water. Maybe it was her who hurt.
“Max! The girls are going to be here soon! Are you ready?” She tried to yell back a response, but her throat hurt. She put her hands around her throat, feeling around for what could be causing the pain; she had removed the mirror from her bathroom; it was too painful to look at day on day. As she moved her fingers across the side of her throat a stinging pain jolted her, she ran to the mirror she turned towards the wall rummaging it around to have a clear view. Blood was staining her hands, her throat had a cut that was deep and it hurt like hell. Max almost threw everything out of the bathroom drawers before finding a large bandage that she had gotten years prior when she cut her knee during a soccer game; Abby had kissed it better once it happened and the two spent the rest of the game on the bench laughing. The bandage went over the cut, the cut she made into her own skin. Why is she so dramatic?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
She was surprised when her mom told her about the party, not for the party itself but that Max would want them there at all. Max had made it seem as if they were cut off from her, ever since Marcus went to rehab. Abby never was a huge fan of parties hosted by moms, they always made tons of food and would never let you have an empty plate. Not to mention the constant watching just for security reasons but it didn’t make it easy for her.
She tried to catch a ride with Norah but her mom insisted on showing up together, ‘making the divorcee look intact still’ and she didn’t feel up to arguing once again with her mother. Abby had picked an old black top she used to love as a middle schooler, it was plain and slim but she had grown out of it until now. It fits perfectly now, and she loves the feeling of putting on old clothes to show the change she made. She stared at the tape before tossing it aside and putting on a pair of baggy jeans; that she bought at the mall last weekend with the girls.
Her mother parked the car outside of Ginny’s home, almost running over the curb. “Okay Abby, you be nice to Max. I know you haven’t hung out with her a lot but just be nice okay?” Her mother tried to say nicely, but Abby knew it was another shitty lecture stemming from her behavior.
Abby nodded obnoxiously, “Mom, Max and I are good okay? Get off my back.” Abby jumped out of the car, grabbing the cupcakes her mom had bought at the store an hour before. Almost gagging at the amount of calories in a single cupcake, 350.
She almost walked right inside, the former formality was always to just walk in and say hi before going up to Max’s room. Abby rang the doorbell, juggling the cupcakes on one hand to have a free hand for the door. The door opened swiftly and even faster the cupcakes were lifted off her hand, “Oh Abby sweetie, you don’t need to ring! You’re always welcome!” Ellen smiled, giving Abby a hug and dropping the cupcakes onto the counter. “The girls are outside, go on out I’ll bring food!” Abby wanted to decline, saying how she wasn’t hungry. But her mom had just walked in, holding a jug of juice.
She didn’t know what she would walk into, but she closed the screen door and turned the corner towards the patio that she almost grew up on. She used to do dance recitals for Marcus with Norah and Max, spinning around in circles and ending with a group hug. Ginny was sitting on one of the wooden chairs, she had a drink in hand but it looked to just be water. Norah was right next to her, sitting more comfortably on the other wooden chair, her feet hanging off the side. They seemed to be in a very engageful chat, Norah turned her head and her eyes sparkled. “Abby! Finally!” She moved her feet over to sit properly on the chair, “Come sit.”
Abby tried not to stare as she walked over, but Abby was sitting on the couch, her legs tucked into her stomach and she was on her phone. Norah wanted her to sit on the side of the chair, patting it to symbolize ‘come sit’ but she felt bad, she didn’t know why everyone stopped talking to Max. Sure she had said some… not nice stuff but, well she never explicitly apologized but, well maybe she should. She did miss hanging out with Max, she was hyper sure and very energetic but it felt… nice compared to her. So she sat on the couch, not directly next to her but on the last cushion on the couch, she did see Max peep her eyes away from her phone as her hood tucked down and as quick as that she was back to her original position.
Abby tucked her hands in front of her stomach, though the shirt did slim her down and she hadn’t eaten at all today she still felt bloated. “So does anyone know what they made for food?” Norah flipped her hair back as she continued to let Ginny braid it.
Ginny shrugged, “My mom bought a peach pie.” She said her accent was slipping through even though it's barely noticeable now. “And I heard that Abby… you mom was bringing cake?”
Abby cringed, her mom had signed up for cake; said she was going to bake it and have it look beautiful. “She just bought a bunch of cupcakes.” Abby drifted her eyes away from the two girls and nonnoticeably looked at Max. “Max, did your mom make anything special?” She asked, putting up a weak form of a smile.
Max looked up from her phone, her hair was covering the sides of her face and she looked really tired. “I don’t know.” She turned back on her phone before sliding it into her hoodie pocket, the Mousse hoodie has seemingly grown bigger since she last saw it. Max almost invisibly got up and vanished into the house. Abby wanted to follow her, she really did… but not so much to make her actually follow Max into the house. She obviously didn’t want to be around them. So Abby returned her focus to the girls, her girls.
Ellen came out of the door shortly after placing the food on the glass table decorated with fourth of july themed napkins and paper plates. She smiled and explained all the items, though they were all pretty self-explanatory. She felt Ginny’s eyes on her empty plate, piercing through her empty stomach so she plopped a hotdog on the plane, adding some relish and chips on the side. When she returned to her seat, Ginny’s eyes were focused on her plate flickering between that and Norah gossiping about the recent break-up that happened over camp.
“Is Max coming out?” Abby wiped some relish off her lips, hiding a few chips in the napkin she then tucked underneath her plate. Norah looked confused at the question, looking for a few seconds before giving some plain answer and Ginny agreeing. Abby stared at the door, she wondered where she would have gone. It was her house afterall. “I’ll be right back…” She muttered, putting the plate in the trash as the half eaten hotdog slid under the plate and she dumped the chips in as well. Ginny looked up, her eyes saying what her mouth isn’t and Max just reassured her with her eyes and a smile. A genuine smile.
The moms were out on the front porch, two wine bottles open on the table as she could hear the laughter from the cracked window by the kitchen. She searched around the whole downstairs to find nothing, her throat jumped as she looked up the stairs. Totally invading her privacy, she whispered to herself as she quietly got up the stairs. Walking past Marcus’s room she saw him laying on his bed, headphones covering his ears as he laid with his phone and she got out of view before he took it off one of his ears and poked his head up to look at his doorway. Abby found her door to be wide open, she couldn’t knock if she tried and she whispered her name hoping Max wouldn’t freak the hell out. Abby would freak out if someone was in her house.
She slowly entered Max’s room, the layout was the same as the endless sleepovers she attended, the forts she and Norah would make as Max ordered them around. She stopped in her tracks once she saw Max, she was on her bed that must have been lofted even higher since the last time she’d been in here. She was laying above the comforters, her blue and pink rimmed ones that she got for Christmas two years ago (Abby saw them during her Christmas haul) and she looked sound asleep. She watched her for a second, before realizing how creepy it is to watch someone sleep even if they looked as calm as Max did, her hair ruffled around her head and her body tucked against itself as she almost curled into her hoodie.
She slowly backed out backwards and once she turned around she was face to face… with Marcus. “What are you doing..?” He yawned, his hair visibly knotty and his shirt crumpled.
Abby stuttered trying to think of an excuse, “Just wondering where she went…” She chuckled trying to get around him and he didn't budge.
Marcus yawned again, looking at her. Then he moved, letting her pass and once Abby reached the top of the stairs; so close to leaving she couldn’t. “Hey- Uh Marcus?” He perked up, as much as you could when you were just woken up. “Is max like… alright?”
Marcus looked confused, extremely confused but maybe she is mistaking it for confusion when it really is annoying. “Why wouldn’t she be alright?” He asked, almost as if he had no idea what she has been like all summer. Abby knew what she was like.
Abby knew she shouldn’t, it wasn’t her business and to be honest it wasn’t her right. “I don’t know… I just think something might be wrong.” Abby tried to relieve the stress by playing with her hair, her fingers twirling it around. Marcus looked interested, asking follow-up questions and almost interrogating her to explain further. “It’s not my business alright? But- I don’t know, she looks tired and she looks… different I don’t know how to explain.” Abby tried to walk down the stairs, the conversation becoming way too real for her especially as it isn’t her right to speak about what she thinks of Max.
She did get downstairs, Marcus didn’t say or yell anything, maybe he was in shock. Or maybe he fell asleep standing up. Whatever it was she couldn’t shake the thoughts for the rest of the night, and when the party eventually ended she realized she hadn’t even purged the calorie intensive food all because of Max. Well not Max exactly, but her worries about Max. It made her reflect on herself? Does she make people worry like she worried? She sent a text to Max saying how nice the party was and how good it was to see her again, she sent it to the MANG groupchat which she then realized just how empty it was. A meme from Norah from two months ago was only one scroll away, and so she decided to send the text there saying how nice it was to say all of MANG. But really she wanted to say how nice it was to see Max.