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Language:
English
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Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019, Psychologeek top picks, Fluffiest of fluffs, Marvel. Steve edition (mainly)
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Published:
2019-08-26
Words:
1,575
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1/1
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110
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3,400
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31,777

Straight as a Circle

Summary:

The Incident™ is mostly Nat’s fault. Mostly. Some of it was Bucky.

In his defence, he thought everyone knew he was gay.
_____________
“Steve, those acrylic nails are pretty fucking queer,” Bucky says.

Everyone gets very quiet.

“Bucky,” Clint whispers, horrified. “You can’t just say stuff like that.”

OR: that one in which Stucky is very, very gay and the Avengers are very, very oblivious.

Notes:

This might be my favourite thing I've posted on here so far. Enjoy, y'all.

 

Thank you to my wonderful beta! You can find her at lesbiandanbeau on Tumblr, or on AO3 at Emmeline_Arden. She's the one who got me off my ass and made me actually write this instead of just thinking about it. You get 12% of the credit on this, boo. <3

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Really, if you think about it, The Incident (as it would henceforth be called)  is Natasha’s fault. After all, she’s the one that ambushed Steve after his morning run and made him put on fake nails. Actually, a better term for them would be ‘talons’- bright pink, two-inch-long, sharpened talons. Steve’s too good a person to tell her no. 

 

Steve is quietly suffering (struggling to eat a bowl of cereal) while Tony, Natasha, and Clint look on from various points in the kitchen. It is clear that he has been chosen as the Entertainment Of The Morning, as Steve is very bad at holding things while wearing acrylics. And is stabbing himself repeatedly with them. 

 

These kind of shenanigans are a normal occurrence in Avengers Tower. Steve is such a prude that teasing him about it is the main source of humour for the team. He blushes so easily , the rest of them really can’t help themselves. 

 

The trouble starts, however, when a rumpled Bucky staggers in. He’s been living with the Avengers for a couple of months, and mostly sticks to him and Steve’s floor. Bucky bee-lines for the coffee, as most are wont to do. Then, having acquired the Awake Juice, Bucky leans on the counter and sleepily surveys the room, zeroing in on Steve’s problem immediately. 

 

“Steve, how did your fingernails manage to grow two inches since I last saw you?” he mumbles, not quite sure if he is still dreaming. 

 

“They’re fake, Bucky,” Steve replies and drops his spoon. 

 

“Well, they’re also pretty fuckin’ queer.” 

 

It takes a lot to make the Avengers be quiet. They are, simply by nature, a rambunctious group. 

 

That comment shuts everyone up pretty well, though. 

 

Everyone except Steve, who only snorts and goes back to wrangling his cereal. 

 

Bucky, who seems to be having a personal moment with his coffee, doesn’t notice how the rest of the room is abruptly, awkwardly silent. 

 

Clint and Natasha have a frantic silent conversation with their eyes that goes something like: 

 

What the FUCK

 

Who’s gonna tell him

 

Not it!

 

You owe me that favour from two days ago

 

But I called ‘not it’!

 

I don’t care. Talk. 

 

Clint very, very hesitantly says “Hey, Bucky?” 

 

The man in question grunts, not even looking up. 

 

“Uhm.. what you just said. That’s, uh, not okay. These days. It might’ve been different back in the 1940s or whatever, but- that’s considered, like, offensive. And stuff.”

 

If you gave Clint a million guesses as to what Bucky would say next, he might guess things like ‘Oh shit, sorry’ or perhaps ‘I meant gay as in happy’ or, worst of all, ‘But it’s fucking queer, and I’m a homophobic piece of shit.’ 

 

What Bucky actually says is:

 

“Nah, it ain’t offensive. I read an article about it.” 

 

“Was it from Fox News?” Tony blurts out before he can stop himself. Natasha elbows him, and decides to help a fellow Russian Assassin in need. 

 

“Bucky, there’s a lot of messed-up people on the internet. They might say it’s ok, but it’s not.” 

 

Bucky’s looking confused now, and everyone braces for the sudden holy shit I’m homophobic?!? Realization. 

 

Everyone, that is, except Steve: he appears to be ignoring all of this as he attempts to get One (1) spoonful of Lucky Charms into his mouth. 

 

Once again, Bucky defies all expectations.

 

“The article was given to me by HR, though. In my Sensitivity Class? It was all about rec- uh, I think they called it recycling?”

 

Now everyone is confused (except Steve, who has given up on a spoon and is trying to suck up the cereal through a very wide straw). 

 

“You know,” Bucky persists. He seems very sure he’s right, which isn’t good news. “That thing? Where slurs are, like, acceptable?” 

 

“Wait- do you mean reappropriation? ” Tony asks. “Because that is not what reappropriation means, Bucky.” 

 

“Yeah, it is,” Bucky argues. Clint looks to Steve for help, but Steve’s face is covered with bits of mushy cereal as he just drinks directly from the bowl, so. 

 

“No, it isn’t.” Tony continues. “JARVIS, what’s the definition of reappropriation?”

“Linguistic Reappropriation, also known as reclamation, according to Wikipedia, is when ‘ a word that was at one-time pejorative has been brought back into acceptable usage, usually starting within its original target. It has been discussed in the context of empowerment that comes from "disarming the power of a dominant group to control one’s own and others’ views of oneself ", and gaining control over the way one is described, and hence, one's self-image, self-control, and self-understanding .” JARVIS says, cooly. 

 

“See?” Tony says. “If you aren’t part of the LGBTQ+ community, you shouldn’t be using those terms.” 

 

Bucky’s silent for a moment. Everyone holds their breath; at this moment, either he apologizes, or he is a homophobic asshole. 

 

Honestly, you’d think they would’ve learned their lesson by this point.

 

“Yes,” Bucky says slowly, as if explaining something to a child. “ I know. I read the Wikipedia page, too.” 

 

“So…” Clint stutters, “Are you gonna, I mean, apologize?” 

 

“No?” Bucky says. The entire room sags. “The whole point is that members of the LGBTQIA+ community can use and reclaim the slurs that they’re targeted with, right?”

 

“Yeah, but, you know. You’re not, uh, part of-” Clint, the poor thing, stutters. 

 

“I’m not part of what?” Bucky asks flatly, eyebrow raised. Steve has finished his cereal, and is now tapping his long nails on the kitchen counter and smirking. The entertainer has become the entertained. 

 

Natasha takes pity on Clint, because it’s obvious he has lost the ability to talk in the face of Bucky’s ‘don’t try me, bitch’ expression (the fact that Bucky even has such an expression really should’ve clued them in faster).

 

“You’re not part of the LGBTQ+ community,” she finishes. 

 

Bucky looks horrified. 

 

“Natasha, ” he says seriously, “ Tell me every aspect of my personality that made you think I was straight so I can change it immediately .”

 

“You’re GAY?” Clint shrieks. Tony makes a sound like a cat that’s been thrown into a nuclear waste pool. 

 

“People,” Bucky says. “I’ve been tappin’ Steve’s perky ass since 1933. I don’t know what the fuck made you think I am straight.”

 

Steve, in the corner, at least has the dignity to blush. 

 

Clint is still coughing, and Natasha is just blinking with her ‘I’ve Been Duped And I Don’t Like It’ expression on. Tony is whimpering and covering his ears. 

 

“Bucky,” Steve says, the first thing he’s contributed to this discussion. “I hate to tell you this, but that sounds pretty gay.” 

 

“Rogers, you woke me up this morning with your dick in my ass, you have no ground to stand on.” Bucky fires back. Everyone shrieks, even JARVIS. 

 

“You-” Tony splutters, “Him- I’m- my childhood. ”

 

Bucky starts to saunter out, coffee still in hand, and how did they miss the way Steve’s eyes are latched onto his backside. 

 

“Best friends from childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield,” Clint whispers to himself in a haunted tone. “What the fuck.” 

 

Bucky pauses, aware of the attention, before calling over his shoulder with a wink.  “Stevie, you coming?” 

 

Steve scrambles after Bucky so quickly he breaks his now-empty cereal bowl. 

 

“I slept with a bear modelled after that man for the FIRST FIFTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE.” Tony sobs into his mug. His coffee is probably 50% tears by this point. “I had a poster of the two of them on my wall. Peggy used to tell me bedtime stories- bedtime stories, Natasha- to get me to fall asleep. And they’re- they’re doing the do. In my household. RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD.”

 

“He- Bucky- He is a bear. He’s a beast. ” Clint mutters, dumbfounded. Tony mewls and backs himself up against the counter, coffee forgotten, hands shaking.

 

Natasha has passed the point of ‘I’ve Been Duped And I Don’t Like It’ and has entered ‘I’m going to gut the next person who walks in front of me’ territory. 

 

Clint is just staring blankly into space, and it’s impossible to tell whether he is disgusted or delighted. 

 

“I will never sleep again,” Tony whispers, his hands shaking, just as Thor enters. 

 

“Friend Tony!” he booms, clapping Tony on the shoulder. Tony’s knees almost buckle. “What has caused such perilous a plight?” 

 

“I don’t think I can physically say it,” Tony says, and sobs again. 

 

“He just found out that his childhood heroes are boning.” Natasha spits out, cleaning her fingernails with a knife. 

 

“Yes, they have been doing the merry dance for two for quite a while now!” Thor exclaims, but his face falls when Tony lets out another whimper. “I thought for sure a man of your intellect would be aware of such a situation?” 

 

“You knew? ” Clint gasps. 

 

“Why yes. Indeed, on one occasion, I happened to stumble across them making love upon the very counter Tony now leans on! ” Thor says. 

 

Tony screams bloody murder. 

 

______________

 

Five minutes later, they hear a shriek, and Steve comes running back out, buck(y)- naked. 

 

“Natasha,” he pleads frantically. “How do you take these nails off. I need them off. Right now.” 

 

“ROGERS!” Bucky says, storming out into the kitchen, also in his birthday suit. “If your stupid talons made my fucking asshole bleed-” 

 

Tony wheezes and sinks to the floor. At this point, he can’t even muster up the strength to cry.

Notes:

The line "Tell me every aspect of my personality that made you think I was straight so I can change it immediately," is not mine. It was borrowed from @incorrectbucko on twitter. If you have twitter, go follow them- that account is HILARIOUS.

Bet y'all forgot about that 'right in front of my salad' meme, huh?

Note: I guess it would technically be possible to read this as Tony, Clint and Natasha being homophobic because they're so shocked by Stucky existing. If you read it like that, buddy, you're reading it wrong.
Natasha is just pissed she didn't see it coming, Clint is questioning if he's really straight or not, and Tony is watching his childhood crumble before his eyes as two American Icons go at it like rabbits a couple of feet from where they stand. No homophobia is this dang household.

 

Kudos + comments are loved and appreciated! Let me know what you liked, what you want to see more of, anything. <3