Archive of Our Own ^beta

Even though you are being alone, remember we are on your side and don't be afraid of all the fears you have.

Whirr. Click .

Slowly, he lowered the vintage camera in front of him, gazing at his target.

It was always there in the back of his mind. He wrote about it sometimes - book and pen in hand, laying back in the pillows of the couch with his legs stretched out in front of him, one leg bent at the knee. He had taken to sleeping on the couch recently. Positioned directly in front of the large glass window, it was his favorite place to be in the whole apartment. A worn, frayed plaid blanket was tossed over one end of the sofa, and his favorite teacup and prized camera were always to be found close by. Every morning, bars of sunlight were the first to wake him and every night before he fell asleep, the last things he saw were endless stars in the night sky, shining over the rest of the villa. The other rooms of his apartment were a mess of papers and tools lying on odd surfaces, standing in sharp contrast to the minimalist furniture and cream-colored walls.

And yet, nothing felt out of place at all. If anything, he liked the comfort that came with the chaotic disorder. It was a reminder that everything was the same, and yet nothing was the same.

Lately he saw everything through a camera lens. Every once in a while, Jeonghan would open the windows in his bedroom and let in the fresh air to clear his mind. Even then, he couldn’t resist snapping pictures of the scenery, both with his camera and his mind, committing the two sets of images to memory.

Another day, another X . One marked on the calendar in thick black marker, as concrete and final as the recent changes in his life.

There were days when he felt as though he was running from something. What, he didn’t know. He only knew that some days he woke in such a panic and burst out onto the balcony before his body could register his movements, lungs gulping in air like it was the last time. There were other days when he was seized in a frenzy and all but flew down the wooden staircase before dashing out the door, limbs be damned. His mind could never quite place what his body was trying to avoid.

Another X , this time marked in bright red ink.

---

He remembered whenever the camera used to belong to another boy. One with dark hair that laid against his head in straight, flat strands, in contrast to Jeonghan’s own recently-bleached soft platinum curls. It was him who had taught Jeonghan how to capture the beauty of the world around him, freeze moments in time. There was no one else who knew how to handle people in the same way that he handled the camera and make them work with the push of a button.

He can still see in his mind those eyes that last time, how they swept carefully over the camera before focusing on something behind his own shoulder and stopping.