Chapter Text
It was widely known among the ranks of SHINRA that their SOLDIER’s had a certain . . . addiction (which was the mildest way of putting it).
One of the minor setbacks with having mako essentially running through their veins was the major increase in appetite. Seeing as the best way to keep one’s energy levels up was through sugar, the SOLDIER’s diets quickly switched from the questionable substances of the cafeteria to practically living off takeout and vending machines.
The confectionary companies soon found themselves earning a lot of business from the power company, and as mako burned off all the excess fat that a non – enhanced individual would gain from all that candy, it didn’t matter how many chocolate bars or bags of chewy candy they ate, the SOLDIER’s stayed in peak condition (not to mention the fact the mako meant they wouldn’t need to see a dentist ever again).
However, one set back regarding this sugar intoxication was the impact it had on the budget.
The accounting department had to set aside a separate budget under the SOLDIER’s section labelled “Gluttonous Glucose”.
It was a running joke between Matilda, the department head of Budgeting and Keith, when she was trying to give a name for the budget dedicated to sugar and sweets. She had ‘glucose’ down and Keith had scrawled ‘Gluttonous’ in front of it. She found it humorous and the rest of her staff caught onto it, and that became the official name for the budget.
The problem with this budget though, was that over time they had to draw more money from other budgets, and the department that got most budget cuts happened to be Urban Development.
While Keith gave Reeve his condolences yet again when the monthly meetings came up, passing along a note from Matilda who regretted to tell him yet again her second in command had been an impulsive idiot and drawn at least half of the Urban Development’s budget to shove it under the Glucose budget.
This was the fifth time it had occurred, as the man was a pompous ass who decided he didn’t need his female boss’ approval to do such a thing, so Matilda was going to see if she could get him fired for insubordination.
However, this time Reeve wasn’t going to drop the matter of this budgeting problem.
And for once, they got to witness the usually mild mannered man actually explode.
-o0o-
“My Budget has been cut YET AGAIN! I’m practically the only employee left in my department! I’m one man, that is doing the work of an entire department by myself, and now I can’t even afford to give MYSELF a salary! Fuck this company! If things don’t change I’m quitting! At least Ultima Services pays for access to my Quest Desk! Not only that, they don’t complain when they don’t like the Quests or Rewards on offer! They’ve been taking every Quest I’ve compiled that either don’t make the ‘guidelines’ SHINRA has, or gets shunted out of rotation because no-one wants to take it. I ACTUALLY GET PAID, AND PAID WELL, BY A COMPANY THAT IS LITTLE MORE THAN A MERCENARY GUILD! I knew that SHINRA was fucked up, but not to this extent! Fuck the lot of you! KEITH, STOP LAUGHING, I’M FUCKING SERIOUS! CLOUD PAYS ME MORE PER MONTH THAN MY STARTING SALARY HIS OLD MAN GAVE ME! SPEAKING OF SALARY, MOST EMPLOYEES GET A WAGE RISE WHILE ALL I EVER GOT WAS A WAGE CUT! Fuck this, I’m done. So fucking done. Good luck organising the mission requests cause I am out.”
While most of the board was bewildered by the pleasantly mannered engineers (who barely had the guts to speak up during the meetings) sudden outburst, Keith was currently wheezing for air as his whole body shook with laughter, hiding his face in his arms as he tried to smother his high pitched giggles with the table.
Sephiroth found himself staring at the older man in bewilderment, wondering if this was the first sign of a mental breakdown, while slightly disturbed at the absolute delight and pride shimmering in Omael Hojo’s eyes as Reeve Tuesti stormed out of the room, slamming the door hard enough that it rattled.
It was completely silent, the only sound was Keith’s broken giggling, the doorknob plopping to the ground.
It was when Keith actually slid to the floor, hiccuping and tears streaming down his face, his fingers tearing gouges into the wooden table as he desperately clung onto something to ground him during his hysterical fit, that anyone made a sound.
Veld made an awkward cough, causing everyone to turn to the Turk Director who seemed to be the most unruffled of the lot.
“Perhaps we should adjourn?”
The President nodded stiffly, rising from his chair and practically fleeing the room, an absolutely terrified expression on his face when he glanced to Keith.
The person in question who was starting to freak even Sephiroth out with the small smattering of giggles that escaped his lips from where he was now lying under the table, his face smushed into the carpet as the ash blonde janitor began to curl up into a ball.
The others followed suit, Heidegger practically jumping a foot into the air when Keith let out an absolute shriek of laughter, startling even Tseng who was torn between following Veld and checking on one of his closest friends.
Sephiroth was at a loss, unsure of what he should do, but Omael simply shooed him out of the room, saying it was perfectly alright.
(He would later find out that Keith had these hysterical fits every once in awhile, which he usually let loose in Omael’s office, explaining the rumours of interns being freaked out by the insane laughter).
However, it still didn’t put his mind at ease about Reeve who had finally snapped after several years of putting up with this bullshit.
-o0o-
Ultima Services. An, as of yet, unheard of company that dealt with all kinds of issues.
Tseng couldn’t really find anything about them and Veld didn’t have much better luck, never mind what the rest of the Turks had been able to find.
(Although it was rather strange that Reno and Rude came back rather pale and shaky, with the excuse of bad memories being stirred up)
Zack, however, seemed to be a fountain of information. No-one knew how, and even Kunsel was stumped as to how Zack would know about the company when even his resources turned up little better than nothing.
Zack was also quite willing to tell all about this Ultima Services as well, luckily for the Turks.
“Sure, I can tell ya some stuff. It’s pretty boring though, not like how it is in SHINRA. Ya see, people all over tender jobs that they need, and offer rewards for the ones who complete them. Ya got ya normal Monster-related jobs, then ya got ya jobs to fix stuff, then even jobs to do stuff like observe and film wildlife in it’s natural habitat. There is all sorts of stuff, for all sorts of people.”
“I can hear a ‘But’ somewhere.”
“Ya gotta register with the Quest System and ya haveta pay a fee depending on the quest type and rank. Registering a Temp tag is free, and ya get three quests under 3* difficulty that ya can do on it. If ya want a permanent Quest Tag, then ya gotta pay a 100Gil fee and register ya personal details. Then ya gotta take a test to determine what type of tag ya gonna get. There’s three types, and ya can only upgrade two of the three. The first type is Support Tags; these ones only allow you ta take jobs that are either 1-3* or are ones that are strictly repair or the like. Ya can’t upgrade a Support Tag, cause those that have one aren’t fighters. Merc Tags are the second type and can be upgraded twice to allow ya to take on more difficult missions, all the way up to 8-10* ranks. These ones allow any quest ya have the skill for and can include repair, monster-culling, delivery, etc etc. The last type’a tag is the one for Guilds, all Guild-leaders must first register either the first or second type of tag then apply for a Guild permit. Guild tags group together people, and allow the tags of all guild members to be used to take on Quests for the entire guild. Quests that have an Enhanced condition can still only be taken by someone that has that status on their Tag though….”
“I see, and these ‘Tags’, what about them?”
Zack then shifted and showed off his earring.
“See the engraving on this? This is my Tag. I scan this at the Quest Desk an’ I can get all sorts of odd jobs. I even saw one of ‘em that I recognised from the Second-Class board. The Second-Class board had the job listed as 500Gil, but I got about 5000Gil from it through the Quest Desk an’ all I had to pay was the 150Gil process fee. That’s more’n I make offa the First-Class board in a week doin’ back-ta-backs. Kinda makes ya wonder jus’ how much Old Man SHINRA is skimming offa the reward money from us SOLDIERs.”
Tseng would later think back to this conversation and realise how chilling but accurate Zack’s comment was.
-o0o-
Sephiroth didn’t really have a problem with Ultima Services.
In fact, he found the company to be rather . . . ethical compared to SHINRA.
He knew that Keith had a problem with the way SHINRA operated, shoving missions to the side because no one wanted to do them or the company didn’t want to because of costs. He knew it bothered the man that was practically a brother to him, and the reason why Keith threw himself into his work, trying to ensure that his own people were protected from the carelessness that came with being an employee of SHINRA.
Not to mention Sephiroth, himself, was a guild leader with most of the SOLDIER’s based in Midgar. (President Shinra would have a heart attack if he found out his General was working with the enemy).
Sephiroth was surprised at the types of Reward on offer for the Quests, as well as from the variety of jobs that were on offer. The spiky-haired blonde he often saw at the counter wasn’t that bad to look at either, even though he looked like a skinny runt of a trooper.
In fact, the very man/child (he didn’t really know, it was hard to gauge the blonde’s age by looks alone) was standing in the lobby of the SOLDIER floors, and to his irritation, in the exact spot he was supposed to meet this elusive CEO that the Turks had managed to track down.
Zack, upon seeing the look on Sephiroth’s face, immediately grabbed his arm.
“Seph, dude. I wouldn’t try it.”
Confused at the absolute seriousness in the normally chipper SOLDIER’s voice, Sephiroth actually took Zack’s words into consideration. But of course his irritation won out (Keith had been practically giggly that morning and refused to tell him why he was in such a good mood).
He hadn’t really thought that this particular individual was dangerous, maybe with just a Support Tag if he had one at all. That was, until the runt grabbed his arm and sent him flying when he tried to escort the blonde out.
-o0o-
Zack could only groan in despair as he watched his silver haired superior march over towards the blonde, knowing that this would not end well.
Oh well, at least he could tell Keith he tried.
As a Sephiroth shaped hole was created in the wall next to him, Zack could only wince at the sound of mortar and plasterboard breaking upon impact.
Keith was not going to be happy.
-o0o-
The blonde janitor in question was swearing up a storm as he sprinted down the hallways, Hollander had been an ass as usual, causing him to be slightly delayed as he promised to meet Cloud in the lobby.
Hearing the sound of walls breaking wasn’t an unusual sound, so Keith ignored it at first.
Then he had to backtrack at the flash of silver.
“Seph?”
“Yeah?”
“ . . . For all that is good and chocolatey” (It was a running gag between the two of them) “Why, are you half embedded into a wall? One that I know is metal plated?”
“That . . . is a good question.”
“What’s the last thing you remember?”
One that Zack answered for them both, the raven haired puppy sticking his head out into the hallway (through a suspiciously Sephiroth shaped hole) and waving erratically with an absolute shit - eating grin on his face.
“I told Seph not to, but he thought Spiky wasn’t here for . . . you know. So he tried to 'escort' him out. Didn’t work.”
“Ah.”
Sephiroth seemed rather dazed at the fact this was enough of an explanation (or maybe it was the result of being thrown through three and a half walls of steel structure).
“Keith! You’re late!”
While Zack helped to peel Seph out of the wall, Keith sighed and jogged over to Cloud (who was both amused but annoyed going by his expression), throwing a thumb over his shoulder and gesturing down the hall.
“Blame Hollander. He thought it was a good idea to ask me if I tampered with his research notes from last week. I told him his intern chucked them out since they were utter crap, but he doesn’t believe me. You would think after all the death threats I’ve given him he would stop trying to piss me off. But he never learns.”
A look of understanding flickered over Cloud’s face, both of them knowing the stupidity of those who believed themselves to be above others.
“Right . . . so, what time is this meeting supposed to start?”
Taking in Cloud’s appearance (as always dressed in his usual leather half apron {which Keith was sure he could pull off himself if he put his mind to it}, and leather ‘wing-guard’ single sleeve), Keith couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow.
“You sure you want to show up like that? You look a lot like a SOLDIER First with an altered uniform.”
Knowing Cloud, his response would be . . .
“Does it look like I care? They’re the ones who invited me, they never mentioned a dress code. Besides, they didn’t exactly copyright the look, and it’s comfortable.”
Which was true, but that could start a debate that they didn’t have the time to spare for.
“Zack? How’s Seph?”
“Eh . . . a bit banged up but coherent. He should be fine. Although, I bet his ego’s bruised something shocking.”
“Please don’t talk like I’m not right behind you.”
“Pfhh.”
“Oy, you laughed didn’t you?”
Keith said nothing and took Cloud by the arm, dragging the amused blonde towards the elevators.
“KEITH!”
“Seph, you need to be up there too, right?”
“ . . . For once, I’ll listen to you Zack. And, please inform someone the walls need to be fixed. Again.”
No one wanted to talk about the latest incident. Genesis still winced every time it was brought up, the auburn haired man swearing his hip wouldn’t be the same again.
As Sephiroth caught up to the elevator (Keith taking pity on him and holding the doors open), he finally saw the blonde’s eyes for the first time. Well, that explained that then, didn’t it. Wonder what the board would say?
-o0o-
When Sephiroth swayed drunkenly through the doors, everyone was quick to sit up and take notice.
But seeing the amused smile on Keith’s face, caused shivers to run down their spines. (Reeve hid a snigger behind his papers, having guessed what had happened.)
Although seeing the spiky haired blonde trailing behind the janitor, caused them much confusion.
“Sephiroth, I thought you were retrieving the CEO of Ultima Services?”
The General said nothing, actually slumping down into his chair without his usual gracefulness, running a hand down his face before answering.
“I mistook him for an intruder and got thrown through three and a half walls, I may have a concussion.”
Veld shot Tuesti a concerned look when the man let out a smothered snicker, banging his knee under the tabletop in an effort to keep his composure together.
“Barrett owes Cid 5 Mastered All Materia. Barrett bet you wouldn’t be that stupid.”
Now it was the boards turn to stare at Keith who clapped a hand over his mouth to prevent himself from letting out a howl of laughter, eyebrows raised as the man sunk to his knees, his whole body trembling at the effort to not laugh.
The blonde crossed over to the window, and took a small frog out from his pouch. Upon the static of a spell being cast, the frog turned out to be something quite different.
“Hello, Hollander. Remember me?”
Said man let out a shriek of terror at the sight of crimson eyes and pitch black hair, leaping out of his seat and crawling under the table with whimpers escaping his mouth.
Omael let out a cackle at his co - worker’s terror, warmly shaking the rather vampire - looking man’s hand and giving the taller man a fatherly pat on the back.
Veld let out a strangled sound in the back of his throat, looking like he had seen a ghost, and promptly fainted, sending the whole board into hysterics.
The blonde, who was the cause of this whole mess, just chuckled and watched the chaos unfold.
-o0o-
Eventually Tseng had managed to get Keith back to normal, the janitor taking a few deep breaths before managing to revive Veld, clearing his throat.
The sound alone had everyone staring at him, frozen as they clearly remembered what happened if they ignored that sound.
The memories alone were enough to make them regret ever angering the man in the first place.
“Alright, now that we’ve got the panic out of our systems, shall we begin negotiations?”
President Shinra seemed quite alarmed to hear the word, his face still sweating from watching his staff panic.
“Negotiations? This is a simple meeting between companies, we never planned to negotiate anything.”
Keith simply stared at the man, knowing full well that the President planned to negotiate or threaten Cloud in order to gain some semblance of control over his only competition.
“Try telling that to someone who buys your chocoboshit old man.” Came the crunching from the window.
The sweet smell of caramel permeated the air, which caused various reactions throughout the boardroom. Sephiroth seemed to have instantaneously recovered from his concussion, sitting ramrod straight and his eyes lasered to the blonde like a predator who had caught scent of his prey.
To those with keener eyes would have noticed how both Tseng and Veld twitched, the Wutanian native’s fingers were fidgeting as if he was trying to stay rooted to the spot, but his eyes betrayed how the smell was affecting him.
Veld would have had a more refined reaction, but since he had already lost his composure due to his prior fainting spell, he seemed to have abandoned the idea of dignity and hid his face in his hands. Vincent’s silent laughter certainly told Veld that his former partner found the situation quite amusing.
Speaking of former partners, there was a story there, and it seemed to centre on Hollander. He’d have to get it later.
The latter was still hiding under the table, but his whimpering had long since died out the moment the crunching had begun.
(It seemed that Cloud was well aware of the SOLDIER’s one little issue, judging by the way he had brought his own snacks to the table.)
“I ain’t giving Reeve back old man, so screw off.”
Cloud seemed to have rendered the President speechless, going by how red the blond man’s face was becoming and the slightly choked gargles coming from his throat.
Reeve was thoroughly enjoying himself, watching the (clearly) one - sided match like a game of tennis, not even bothering to hide his grin behind his papers. Keith was more than happy to sit down next to the engineer, making off handed comments that had the bearded man snickering as Cloud continued to pick at the faults in the SHINRA co - operations policies like one would select candy in a grocery store.
There were plenty of options to choose from, and many different ways to eat them.
And Cloud certainly wasn’t fussy about his choices.
This continued on for half an hour, and by the time President Shinra seemed to have regained his senses, Cloud had already became bored and was using an open window to ricochet small marble sized objects into his mouth (Tseng wasn’t even aware they could do that with the windows in the boardroom).
Keith made a move and spoke up for the first time in a while.
“Oh man, this is going to . . . cause quite a stir.”
“I’m just waiting for the threats to start. Then I can knock ‘em off at the knees, or relieve them of a kilo or two of useless weight they aren’t using.”
“How are those caramels going to cause a problem?” Heidegger (who never tried to pay attention in any of the budgeting meetings) inquired, causing Omael to actually cackle and between his bone - chilling laughter, mentioned about proving a point.
Seeing as Omael wasn’t going to explain to the clueless idiot, Keith decided to take pity and explain (Sephiroth was too preoccupied watching the small marbles of yellow sugar, that Cloud was now using fancier and fancier tricks to catch in his mouth).
“There is a reason for the Gluttonous Glucose budget. Due to the high concentration of mako in one’s body, it keeps the subject in peak condition but increases the need for carbs and all those other things you won’t understand. Glucose is the one thing the body will crave the most, and the easiest way to tackle the problem is with candy. That’s the reason why your troopers always have an emergency stash of candy when they’re assigned to missions with the SOLDIERs.”
Going by the dumbstruck look on Heidegger’s face, the man wasn’t getting why Cloud tossing caramels around was a bad idea, nor the comment about the useless weight he clearly wasn’t using.
“The ventilation in this room connects to all the other offices in the building. So the smell of caramel has by now reached the other floors. And since I did a routine check yesterday, I can confirm that all the vending machines are completely empty. Most of the SOLDIERs are out getting lunch, but when they get back they’re going to be on that scent like a shark smelling blood in the water.”
It was at this moment the Zack burst through the doors of the meeting room, a wild look in his eyes.
Sephiroth (being a bit more composed as Keith had shoved a bag of Kit - Kat’s at him this morning), promptly threw his subordinate out and slammed the door shut behind him, before leaning on it as said subordinate began banging on the now closed door.
“That” Keith gestured to the door “is why this is a problem.”
Realization began to spread across Heidegger’s face, and the man squeaked when the door received a particularly strong kick, the metal enforcing practically squealing in an effort to stay intact.
“And this popcorn isn’t even my ‘big-guns’, so to speak.”
Omael had to excuse himself when he began to laugh so hard he began to wheeze, Veld (in an effort to regain some sort of composure) fetched a glass of water for the scientist, and began a hushed conversation with Vincent (who had retreated to a corner of the room, nearest the biggest window).
“And what, exactly are your ‘big-guns’?”
Rufus, who hadn’t said a word this entire time (and everyone had forgotten the teen was in the room with them), and was wearing an amused smile that quickly dropped at Cloud’s next words.
“Why, big brother, haven’t you heard of ‘Choco-Kick Meteors’?”
(Keith knew that Rufus happened to enjoy those when he could get his hands on them).
“Choco-Kick Meteors? What are those? And why would they be your ‘big-guns’?”
President Shinra was obviously quite confused, having never heard of the candy before
“My mother came up with them, after I ended up in that faulty fucking reactor. They look a lot like Materia, but are actually candy. Unenhanced individuals need the mild ones, and even then the result feels like a fully-powered Chocobo kick to the chest when the sugar high hits. The ones I’ve got on me are the SOLDIER-strength versions. These have the sensation of getting hit with several Mastered Comet spells, and that’s when you’re ENHANCED. Unenhanced individuals would outright have a heart-attack from sugar-shock.”
“I may have also contributed to their creation.” Keith threw his hand up like a child in a classroom, grinning like an absolute lunatic which didn’t help to calm President Shinra down at all.
“Although the first few experiments almost got us kicked out of the village. Man, Cloud on a sugar high is not fun when you’re the one having to clean up the mess. Not to mention one kid had to get most of his teeth removed when he ate a faulty one. We had to spend a full day hiding on the mountain when his parents found out. Ah, good times.”
Sephiroth outright whimpered at the announcement, and was barely managing to keep the doors closed through his own silent begging to Cloud.
“Oh for the love of Gaia, let him in.” Keith rolled his eyes, stomping over to the door and gently shoving Sephiroth out of the way. He soon had an armful of drooling Puppy, and a near close call from the rest of the SOLDIERs that had come back from lunch.
With a calm demeanor that only Keith could pull off, the janitor slammed the doors shut once again, kicking Zack to the ground and promptly sat on his back, leaning against the doors and not at all bothered by the shuddering and shouting coming from them. In fact, he looked quite comfortable, a stern glare down at Zack telling the raven haired SOLDIER what exactly would happen if he tried to throw Keith off.
A sigh of relief came from most of the board, Omael was quite happy monitoring the whispered conversation between Vincent and Veld, Reeve was grinning at the fruit of his labours (he wouldn’t have expected his rant to result in this much fun) and Rufus had a bit of pride in his expression at his ‘new - found’ brother’s guts.
“Wait, you ended up in a reactor and you’re still alive?”
It was at this moment that Cloud turned around and, in the relatively dim light of the boardroom, his eyes glowed with a pure clear blue power.
If there was one way to summarize how the majority of the board felt right now, it could be done in three simple words.
Well, we’re fucked.
-o0o-
-Omake-
Cloud seemed to take some pity on the panicking board members, strolling casually over to Omael who beamed with pride and ruffled his hair, commenting on how smart his nephew was.
Hollander practically screeched at this, no one had noticed the man had crawled out from under the safety of the table, pointing a shaking finger at Cloud with a look of utmost horror on his face.
“You’re related to him?! Oh, now it all makes sense! You’ve inherited his psychotic genes!”
Omael merely shrugged the insult off, having been subjected to this sort of behaviour for the past twenty years, but going by the glower on Cloud’s face, the smaller blonde was not happy to hear his Uncle being called a psycho.
However, it seemed that Keith didn’t like hearing that his little bro was being called the same thing. (To Omael, it was a compliment really, and Keith was well aware how Omael’s mind worked).
“He’s adopted you idiot!”
Before anyone else could respond, Keith had somehow shoved Zack in Sephiroth’s direction, vaulted over the table and grabbed Hollander by the throat, holding the choking scientist at least a foot off the ground.
“No one, and I mean no one, insults my little brother.”
Scarlet let out a shriek of alarm as Keith reared his arm back and threw the full 150 pounds of moronic flesh at the largest shatter proof glass window.
Vincent calmly opened the window he was near and stepped back, not once breaking off the conversation he was having with Veld as the scientist began his 70 story descent towards the ground.
The whole room fell into silence as they heard the portly man’s screams, Keith clapping his hands as if dusting off filth, letting out a sigh of relief as he turned to President Shinra.
“And that, William, is my two week’s notice. I’ve put up with that man for over a decade, and that was the last straw. Find yourself a new janitor, I’m done here.”
No one could blame the President for bursting into tears.
“Does that mean you’ll finally take my offer of working relief for Cait Sith? I don’t mind doing it, but I like hunting the Enhanced Bounties more.”
“Eh . . .” The blonde (now ex - janitor) scratched his head, strolling over to the smaller blonde with a thoughtful look on his face.
“I want a hug first, then we’ll see.”
“You do realize you’d be seeing more of your favorite SOLDIER kids, the top three each have their own guilds and all three guilds are in an alliance with each other and the AVALANCHE Guild.”
Keith’s face lit up like the fucking sun, he was so happy.
That was all Cloud needed to know.
“I still want a hug though. Advanced payment.”
Veld was startled out of his conversation with Vincent when he heard Keith practically squeal with delight as Cloud finally gave into his demands.
(No-one noticed how pale President Shinra was getting, nor the way he gripped his chest.)
-o0o-