Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

--carcinoGeneticist [CG]opened new memo: MOVIES FOR DIPSHITS at 18:43--

CG: ALRIGHT ASSWHIPES, TODAY HAS BEEN A FUCKING EYE OPENER.
CG: STRIDER HAS BEEN VERY PRODUCTIVE TODAY; THAT GIANT MONUMENT SHAPED LIKE A HUMAN PHALLUS WAS EXACTLY WHAT WE FUCKING NEEDED TO FURTHER EMASCULATE OURSELVES.
CG: THE LALONDES WERE GIGGLING LIKE SCHOOLGIRLS OVER A BOOK AND I REALLY DON’T *WANT* TO KNOW WHAT WAS HIDDEN IN THOSE PAGES.
CG: AND ERIDAN WAS WORKING ON A NEW FLARPING MODULE, WHICH WOULD BE A MILESTONE SINCE IT IS THE FIFTEENTH GAME HE CREATED THAT NO ONE IS GOING TO PLAY BECAUSE, GUESS WHAT, WE FUCKING OUTLAWED THAT SHIT.
CG: SO I AM GUESSING WE HAVE SOME SPARE TIME ON OUR HANDS. TIME WE COULD SPEND ON BETTER THINGS. AND AS YOUR GLORIOUS LEADER I AIM TO FUCKING SCHOOLFEED YOU PATHETIC WRIGGLERS WITH SOME QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT.
CG: I HAVE PICKED A SELECTION OF ONLY THE BEST THAT ALTERNIAN CINEMA HAS TO OFFER.
CG: MOVIES THAT WERE BELOVED FOR THEIR ACTION, THEIR CHARACTER, OR THEIR PLOT.
CG: MOVIES THAT WERE SO CONTROVERSIAL THEY WOULD HAVE BROUGHT TEARS TO THE EYES OF MY PATHETIC DANCESTOR.
CG: AND WE ARE GOING TO WATCH THESE MOVIES. MAYBE MAKE IT A WEEKLY THING IF IT CATCHES ON.
CG: …………………………………………………………………………….
CG: ANYONE?
CG: I KINDA EXPECTED EGBERT TO JUMP AT THE OCASSION.
CG: WHAT? EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY TOO FUCKING BUSY TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH ME?
CG: WE’RE JUST GONNA DITCH KARKAT FIRST CHANCE WE GET? WELL FUCK YOU TOO!
CG: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS FUCKING IDEA WAS COMPRISED OF FAILURE. WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER TRYING TO EDUCATE YOU PEOPLE.

--gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo at 18:49--

CG: REALLY, JUST TEREZI?
CG: WELL I SUPPOSE I’LL JUST TAKE WHAT I CAN FUCKING GET.
GC: W4UW W4Y TO B3 UNGR4T3FUL
CG: WELL, LET’S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH ALREADY.
CG: THOUGH MOST OF THESE CINEMATIC MASTERPIECES WILL BE WOEFULLY LOST ON YOU.
GC: ST1LL RUD3
GC: 4CTU4LLY 1 JUST POPP3D 1N TO S4Y TH4T NO ON3 1S GO1NG TO JO1N YOUR STUP1D MOV13STR34M FOR STUP1D WR1GGL3RS
CG: WHY THE FUCK NOT?
CG: I PICKED OUT SOME REAL CLASSICS
GC: B3S1D3S NOT W4NT1NG TO B3 BOR3D TO T34RS
GC: W3 4R3 4LR34DY GO1NG TO L3T VR1SK4 STR34M 4 MOV13 >:]
GC: BUT SH3 S4YS YOU 4R3 W3LCOM3 TO JO1N 1F YOU R34LLY H4V3 TOO
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned gallowsCalibrator [GC] from memo at 19:01--
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo: MOVIES FOR DIPSHITS at 19:01--

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined memo: 8est movie eveeeeeeeer at 19:01--

CG: GODDAMNIT SERKET, YOU BACKSTABBING CONNIVING BITCH.
CG: YOU KNEW, YOU FUCKING KNEW I WAS PLANNING TO HOST A MOVIENIGHT AND YOU JUST *HAD* TO COME IN LIKE A NOOKSLURPING DEMOLISHING SPHERE TO RUIN IT DIDN’T YOU?
CG: I DOUBT ANYONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR SHIT MOVIE FOR TWATS TO BEGIN WITH. I BET YOU HAD TO BRIBE EVERYONE. IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?
CG: WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF!
EB: hi karkat!
CG: ……….. HI JOHN.
EB: oh man, you are just in time. vriska is picking a movie for us to watch.
EB: this is going to be so sweet. i can’t wait to see one of your alien action movies.
CG: OK ONE…. WE ARE NOT ALIENS. IF ANYTHING YOU FARTSNIFFING HUMANS ARE THE ALIENS HERE.
EB: awesome!
CG: TWO. WHATEVER MOVIE VRISKA IS GOING TO PICK IS GOING TO BE ON THE SAME INTELLECTUAL LEVEL AS PICKING YOUR OWN NASAL CAVITIES FOR NOURISHMENT.
EB: gross.
CG: AND FINALLY; WHAT OTHER TREACHEROUS SCUM HAS JOINED THIS PARTICULAR STREAM AS OPPOSED TO MY OWN?!
GC: 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 D4V3 W4S R34DY1NG H1S K4RK4T T4NTRUM B1NGO C4RD
CG: WE ARE *NOT* DOING THAT!
EB: can i already cross ‘watching a movie’ or do i have to wait for the film to start?
GC: 1F H3 THROWS 4 F1T 4BOUT W4TCH1NG 4 MOV13 1TS V4L1D
EB: ah ok, sweet.
CG: HATE YOU ASSHOLES!
AG: Kaaaaaaaarkat, soooooooo glad you could make it. Well, I would 8e, if you wouldn’t ruin the coolness of this stream so much even it’s lusus wouldn’t recognize it.
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS.
CG: FUCK YOU!
AG: Really, if John wasn’t feeling 8ad for you, you’d 8e aaaaaaaall alone watching your dum8 movies for wrigglers.
CG: THOSE MOVIES HAVE A DEEP CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE YOU UNEDUCATED PIECE OF DRONESPUNK!
GC: G3T 4 ROOM YOU TWO
CG: NO!
AG: No!!!!!!!!
GC: L3TS G3T TH1S SHOW ST4RT3D 4LR34DY
GC: HOW LONG DO3S 1T 3V3N T4K3 YOU TO F1ND 4 MOV13
AG: We still have to wait on Lalonde and Fussyfangs………
EB: and dave and jade?
AG: And your little human friends.

--tentacleTherapist [TT] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:16--
--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:16--

GA: Good Evening
AG: Heeeeeeeey Fussyfangs.
AG: Lalonde………
TT: Vriska.
GA: I Do Not Hope You Were Waiting On Us
GC: W3’R3 ST1LL TWO P3OPL3 SHORT
CG: ACTUALLY I AM PRETTY SURE WE CAN START WITHOUT THEM.
AG: Are you thaaaaaaaat curious to see what movie I picked?
CG: DO NOT EVEN FLATTER YOURSELF. WHATEVER DRIBBLE YOU PICKED, I WILL MOCK IT SO HARD IT’S FUTURE OFFSPRING WILL HAVE SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES.
TT: Who are we waiting for?
AG: Strider is l8 as usual. And I 8et Harley fell asleep somewhere.
EB: strange, i thought she kinda grew out of that narcolepsy thing.
GA: I Saw Jade And Her Dancestor Not Too Long Ago
GA: They Will Be Here Shortly
CG: OH GOD, DON’T TELL ME SHE’S GONNA TAKE HER DANCESTOR ALONG WITH HER.
EB: karkat, what are you complaining about?
EB: you haven’t even met the alphas.
CG: IF THEY ARE ANYTHING LIKE OUR DANCESTORS I ALREADY KNOW ENOUGH

--turntechGodhead [TG] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:24--

TG: we talking shit about the alphas?
TG: i’m game
TT: This wouldn’t have anything to do with feelings of resentment towards your own version of Dirk as a fatherfigure?
TG: what?
TG: shit lalonde where does that even come from
TT: It’s ok Dave.
TT: If you need to discuss these pent up feelings I will be here for you.
GC: G4SP
GC: HOW FORW4RD
TG: alright
TG: getting really annoying
TG: can we drop the subject?
CG: ACTUALLY LET’S DISCUSS IT A BIT FURTHER.
TG: damnit
CG: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK SHIT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING ANCESTOR STRIDER.
CG: YOU HAVE *MET* KANKRI. YOU KNOW HOW BAD THIS SHIT CAN GET.
GA: In The Alphas Meager Defense
GA: Porrim Was Not That Bad Really
GA: In Fact She Was Rather Helpful
GC: NO TH3 4LPH4S W3R3 PR3TTY B4D >:(
GA: Oh
GA: Did You Have Any Gripes With Latula
GC: W3LL NO BUT….. 3RR…..
CG: NOW I AGREE WITH STRIDER. LET’S DROP IT.
TG: thank you
EB: i really have no idea what you guys are talking about.
EB: i missed out on most of the dreamtroll shenanigans.

--gardenGnostic [GG] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:29--
--golghotaTerror [GT] joined memo: 8est movie eeeeeeeever at 19:29--

GG: hi guys!
GG: i brought jake along hope you don’t mind
GT: Cheerio fellows.
CG: I KIND OF FUCKING MIND. WE JUST FINISHED DISCUSSING HOW WE ARE ABOUT DONE WITH OUR DANCESTORS AND IF WE NEVER SAW ANY OF THEM EVER AGAIN IT WOULD STILL BE TOO MUCH.
CG: I DON’T KNOW THIS ASSHOLE AND I HAVE NO INTEREST IN GETTING TO KNOW HIM.
GT: Oh my.
GG: KARKAT!
GG: HOW COULD YOU BE SO RUDE!
GT: Jade it is quite alright.
GT: I wouldn’t want to interrupt your hubbubaloo.
GG: karkat apologize!
AG: Soooooooo sorry Jade. 8ut we just fit the perfect num8er for this stream.
CG: WAIT……
CG: FOUR, FIVE, SIX…….SEVEN…….
CG: ACTUALLY….. JAKE WAS IT?
GT: Yes?
CG: I AM INCREDIBLY SORRY FOR MY EARLIER OUTBURST. I WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ECSTATIC IF YOU WERE TO WATCH THIS MOVIE WITH US.
AG: D8MNIT K8RKAT!!!!!!!!!
GT: Are you quite sure chum?
CG: DEFINITELY.
GT: Jolly good then. I won’t be a bother.
TG: by all means
TG: rile karkat up
TG: i am so going to win this bingo
TT: Ah you forget brother dear. I can now cross ‘participants of the stream’ of my card.
TG: that is too vague and you know it
AG: Gr8, now there is a maaaaaaaasive im8alance. How can four of us deal with five humans?
GG: oh i saw damara a while back
GG: i don’t think she’s doing anything
AG: NO
GC: NO
GA: No
CG: NO!
TG: trolls man
GT: Bolly, what have I gotten myself into.
EB: welcome to our world.
EB: so what movie are we watching vriska?
AG: Oh, you’ll seeeeeeee.
AG: It’s a classic……..

EB: uhm……..
TG: god jesus no
TG: i never felt so betrayed
TT: ……I fail to find the words to properly express my disappointment.
GG: oh god not again!
GG: i thought i’d never have to see this again!
GT: Excuse me, but what flick is this?
AG: Oooooooonly the gr8test human movie ever num8nuts.
CG: I AM BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST MY DESK AS HARD AS I CAN BUT THE PAIN DOESN’T MUTE OUT THE FACT THAT I AM LOOKING AT HUMAN NICHOLAS CAGE’S UGLY MUG.
CG: IN FACT, IT KINDA MAKES IT WORSE.
GC: SO TH1S 1S TH3 HUM4N 4CTOR YOUR SWOON1NG OV3R L1K3 4 L1TTL3 WR1GGL3R?
GC: 1 4M NOT 1MPR3SS3D
AG: Oh just you w8 Pyrope. 8y the end of this, you will 8e eating those words!
AG: This is the timeless tale of a tough maverick with nothing to lose!
AG: John, 8ack me up here.

EB: yeah, i kinda think con air is a horrible movie.
AG: WH8T?
EB: it’s true. it’s goofy, disconnected from reality, the actors phone it in…..
EB: it just kinda sucks.
CG: HAHAHAHA OH THIS IS FUCKING PERFECT.
TG: is this what pride feels like
TT: Dave, shoosh.
AG: You can NOT 8e serious right now!
AG: You introduce me to this cinematic masterpiece and Nicholas Cage and now you’re telling me it is all trash?!
EB: well i don’t dislike Nicholas cage?
EB: he’s still pretty much a perfect human being.
AG: Don’t try to ch8nge the su8ject! Of course he is!!!!!!!!
GT: Uhm…. Chaps?
AG: Are you really doing this John?!
EB: now don’t take it personal. i just think the movie is bad. no big deal.
AG: 8ut this is OUR movie!
EB: we’ll find new ones.
EB: movies that star Nicholas cage and suck less
AG: ::::(

TT: I am reluctant to ask but…… The song that plays on the background doesn’t happen to be thát song?
GG: grrrrr i am so sick of this song!
GT: Is it that terrible?
GG: every time john made me watch con air he would insist on singing along!
GG: i hate it and i can’t get it out of my head!
GT: Blimey, that sounds excruciating.
EB: well, i didn’t sing it……. every time?
TG: nice
GA: I Do Not Understand
GA: What Is The Significance Of This Song
AG: It highlights the most roooooooomantic moment in the movie.
EB: or what constitutes as such.
AG: John, I will end you.
EB: :B
GC: OH DO 1 G3T TO ST3P 1N NOW
TG: shit terezi
TG: calm the nic cage morons and be the auspistice
GC: TH1S 1S GO1NG TO B3 GR34T!
AG: J8hn and I DON’T need an auspistice!

GT: Bugger my bridges, this man is asking for a quick one-two on the proboscis.
GC: WH4T SORT OF 1MB3C1L3 OFF3NDS 4 D3COR4T3D SOLD13R
TT: The sort that has imbibed copious amounts of alcohol
GC: TH4T’S F41R
TG: i don’t get it
TG: why do the nineties always use rednecks as assholes
TG: actually scratch that
TG: why is nic cage pretending to be a redneck
TG: his fake accent is insulting my delicate southerners hearing conducts
GG: no, that’s just how he talks…..

GA: It Seems Illogical For These Three Man To Go After A Couple Of Which At Least One Person Is Trained In Combat And Likely To Be Armed
GA: I Doubt Even Your Human Soporifics Would Put Such A Damper On Ones Intelligence
GC: 1T 1SN’T JUST 1LLOG1C4L
GC: WH4T TH3Y 4R3 PL4NN1NG 1S H1GHLY 1L3G4L
TG: welcome to the human ninteties
TG: a cinema landscape without moral complexities and filled with two-bit crooks that would kick a puppy if it looked at them funny
TG: why
TG: no reason
TG: that’s just what they learn in goonschool along with an optional class in flower arrangement
TT: Alas, the unsung struggles of this redneck trio shall forever be concealed from public knowledge.
TG: the woman isn’t even that hot
GG: dave!
TG: im just saying
EB: this is stupid
CG: THIS IS STUPID
AG: Shut your faces!
AG: God, having to hear that in stereo must 8e the woooooooorst.

GC: 444444ND H3S D34D
CG: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
GA: I Think It Is Implied That Mr Cage Snatched The Knife And Stabbed Him In The Area Below The Chin
CG: IT WAS SO POORLY SHOT I BARELY NOTICED WHAT WAS GOING ON.
GT: Quite frankly I thought it was sizzling with action.
GG: of course YOU did.
GT: Well it was fast paced and visceral.
EB: it was poorly shot and terribly acted.
GA: Considering The Size Of The Knife And The Human Anatomy He Really Had To Drive That Knife In Deep
CG: WAIT, I SPOTTED SOMETHING. SERKET, PLAY THE SCENE AGAIN.
AG: What why? We’re in the miiiiiiiiddle of something here.
CG: JUST DO IT.
AG: Fine, geeeeeeeesh……..
CG: THERE I KNEW IT. HE DIDN’T EVEN USE THE KNIFE; IT WAS SPOTLESS WHEN HE PICKED IT UP FROM THE GROUND.
CG: NICHOLAS CAGE KILLED A MAN WITH HIS BARE HANDS AND I CALL SUCH A HEAP OF BULLSHIT NOT A FARMER IN THE WORLD WILL EVER SUFFER A SHORTAGE OF MANURE AGAIN.
EB: thank you.
GC: W3 COULD R34LLY US3 SOM3ON3 W1TH YOUR T4L3NT 4T TH3 PR3C1NCT K4RK4T
CG: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I AM NOT ROLE-PLAYING WITH YOU OR THE DOUCHENOZZLE.
GC: NOT 3V3N 1F TH3 M4YOR PL4YS 4LONG
CG: I’LL GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT. WE’RE WATCHING A SHITTY MOVIE.

GC: L3TS S33
GC: JUST1F13D S3LF-D3F3NS3
GC: V4R1OUS W1TN1SS3S SHOULD B3 4BL3 TO COMF1RM TH3 DRUNKS W3R3 4CTIVELY LOOK1NG FOR TROUBLE
GC: THE KN1F3 B34RS TH3 DRUNKS F1NG3RPR1NTS 1ND1C4T1NG 1T W4S H1S TO B3G1N W1TH 4ND L4T3R SN4TCH3D BY PO3
GC: TH3 DRUNK 4PP4R4NTLY H4D 4 R3PUT4T1ON 4S 4 TROUBL3M4K3R 4ND N1CHOL4S C4G3 W4S 4 LOY4L S3RV4NT OF TH3 ST4T3S
GC: 1 S33 4 BR1GHT FUTUR3 FOR MR PO3
GC: NO W4Y TH3Y W1LL CONV1CT H1M 1N L1GHT OF TH1S 3V1D3NC3
AG: WRONG!
AG: 8 years in human prison!!!!!!!!
GC: TH3 HUM4N COURT SYST3M S33MS 1NCR3D1BLY FL4W3D >:(

GG: ooooohng…….
GG: and so the monologue begins
CG: DEAR GOD THIS GUY.
CG: FUCKING EMOTE. HE READS THE LETTERS TO HIS SPAWN THE SAME WAY ONE WOULD READ HIS GODDAMN TAXES!
GG: this goes on for hours!
AG: He doesn’t neeeeeeeed to sound excited.
AG: He’s just writing, how excited are you when you write????????
GG: but they act like it’s a dialogue!
GG: rose back me up!
TT: I’m sorry, I am merely amused by this performance.
GG: rose!
TT: It is rather bad, but I cannot look away.
TT: It’s like a beautiful train wreck in motion.
GG: see the train wreck like a hundred times and you’ll be done with it :(
EB: you know, you could have just told me you didn’t like it.
GG: I DID!
GG: MULTIPLE TIMES!
EB: oh…. whoops.

GA: Haha
GA: Rose
GA: This Wriggler Has A Striking Resemblance With The Way You Looked Like A Wriggler
TT: Thank you Kanaya.
TG: check it out
TG: she even has a mini horse
TT: Like the one you crushed with your infant rear.
GT: Mr Poe is getting rather buff with all this working out isn’t he?
GT: Truly he is a man’s man
TG: jake the dude’s in jail
TG: he is that man’s man, that man’s man all sorts of man
GT: I don’t follow.
GA: Do Ignore Him Jake
GA: Ocassionally He Goes Off Like That
GA: We Just Smile And Pretend He Said Something Really Witty
TG: oh come on
TG: just look at the way he talks to his black friend
TG: which incidentally is another classic nineties trope
TG: perhaps we are playing the wrong kind of bingo
TG: this must be what it feels like to attend a business meeting in a gimp suit
TG: johnson we are debating the hostile takeover why did you come into office wearing that
TG: i thought it was casual Tuesday sir
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A GIMP SUIT.
CG: SWEET MERCIFUL MESSIAHS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS?
TT: I believe Dave has already educated you about the phrase; fetish porn?
CG: THAT’S A FETISH?
CG: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! HOW CAN ANY OF YOU HUMANS GET THE SLIGHTEST BIT AROUSED BECAUSE OF…… THAT.
TG: crossing ‘sexual habbits’ from my card
TT: Alas poor brother, I had that one too.
CG: I WILL PISS ON YOUR FUCKING BINGOCARDS!
GC: TH4TS ON3 FOR M3
CG: GODDAMNIT!!!!!

EB: hahaha aaah……. memories
TG: that bunny has seen some shit
TG: it traveled more than the average us penny
TT: I admit, it was rather amusing to stitch the little bunny back together
GT: Right-o. And I had a blast equipping it with weapons.
GT: Good ol Terry Kiser.
EB: actually i renamed it. it’s liv tyler
GT: You mean the actress who played in Jersey Girl?
EB: …..jersey girl?
EB: doesn’t ring a bell…..
TG: dude that’s a chickflick
EB: how do you know?
GG: i don’t even know that movie
GT: Really? The timeless tale of a man who buries himself in his work after his wife dies, after which he has to take care of the child himself. Overworked he has to move back in with his father and meets a girl at the video store.
CG: WAIT. I THINK I KNOW THAT MOVIE.
GT: Really?
CG: YEAH, IT WAS BASICALLY ALRIGHT.
GT: I found it quite a charming little flick.
CG: HUH…. I ADMIT, I DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD A DECENT TASTE IN FILMS LIKE THAT.
CG: NORMALLY I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL SORTS OF TASTELESS COMMENTS FROM THE LEGUME GALLERY.
GC: B3C4US3 YOUR T4ST3 1N F1LMS 1S QU1T3 4WFUL
GG: jake is quite passionate about movies
GG: they just aren’t very good……..
GT: I protest that
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, ANYONE STICKING UP FOR A SHAMEFULLY UNDERRATED ROMANTIC COMEDY DESERVES THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT!
GT: Much obliged old chum.
TG: christ now they’re romance buddies
TG: don’t even look at me like that lalonde
TG: if you have that one on your card you fucking cheated and you know it
TT: I wouldn’t dream of it brother dear

TG: fuck next time tell me what kind of movie we’re watching
TG: i would have owned the nineties bingo game
TG: it’s a strong independent woman with no sense of humor and no personality outside of her profession
TG: bonuspoints if she’s black
TT: I think she’s of Hispanic descent
TG: not the point
GA: Hispanic
GA: What Does That Mean
TT: I’ll explain later.
GA: Is It Something Like Being Homosexual In Human Society
TG: yes exactly
TT: Dave no.
TT: I will explain later dear.
GC: H3 1S R4TH3R 4NNOY1NGLY 1NS1ST3NT OF T3LL1NG 3V3RYON3 H3’S GO1NG HOM3
GC: HON3STLY 1F 1 ST1LL H4D TO DO MY T1M3 1 WOULD H4V3 K1CK3D H1M 1N TH3 SH1NS OUT OF SP1T3
AG: She doesn’t haaaaaaaave to do her time num8nuts
AG: She works there

TG: really my urge to play karkat tantrum bingo is really simpering down the longer you guys make me watch johns stupid movie
GG: no one is making you do anything
EB: i don’t even like this movie!
TG: just look at this pile of lard
TG: classic nineties douchebag
GC: YOUR HUM4N N1N3T13S MUST H4V3 B33N 4 GLOR1OUS T1M3
TG: man you don’t even know it
TG: people unironically listened to shit like vanilla ice and the spice girls
TG: we had shows like the samurai pizza kids
TG: who even thinks of something like that
TG: how high do you have to be
TG: they are cats that get power armor to deliver pizza
TG: why?
TG: how?
TT: Sweet delicious nineties magic I presume?
TG: exactly
GT: That being said, this guy behaves like a right ponce doesn’t he?
GT: John Cusack just tries to make conversation
GG: i really don’t know any other film starring John Cusack
GG: and whenever i’ll see him now I’ll just be reminded of this stupid movie!
AG: IT ISN’T ST8PID!
GG: it is!
EB: it kinda is.
TT: John Cusack also played in High Fidelity.
TG: never heard of.
TT: I only watched it because Jack Black was in it.
TG: wait what
TT: It was a phase.

CG: SO THE DEA HAS TO INTERFERE WITH THIS FBI CASE. BUT THAN THE CIA AND THE IRS ARE GETTING IN THE WAY.
CG: SO CNN AND BBC FIGHT OVER THE HEADLINES BUT THEY CAN’T BECAUSE THE IIRA ARE BEING DICKS TO THE NYPD.
CG: AND THEN THEY CAN ALL STFU BEFORE I RQ
GC: LOL
CG: I FUCKING *GET* THAT OUR MOVIETITLES CAN GET A LITTLE CONVELUTED
EB: a little he says
GG: :P
CG: BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR SPECIES OBSESSION WITH SLINGING ABBREVIATIONS AROUND LIKE FUCKING SWEETS ARE GONNA POP OUT IF THEY THROW IT HARD ENOUGH.
GA: To Be Fair They Only Use Three Abbreviations
GA: You Are Kind Of Over Reacting
CG: I STILL HAVE NO SINGULAR IDEA WHAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS MEAN!

AG: Just liiiiiiiisten to the haunting stories that go with these prisoners
AG: This man is SO messed up that when he caught his m8sprit with another lover........
AG: He drove two states to kill her entire family, even their lusus.
AG: Then returned to kill her.
AG: The 8lack guy is a general who 8lew up a meeting of some sort of weapon’s congress out of racism.
AG: Then he wrote a 8ook a8out it.
AG: If THAT doesn’t make for good antagonist material, I don’t know what will.
EB: look at the back of the box
AG: What????????
EB: there should be one of those age rating thingies
EB: what does it say?
AG: Rated R? What does that even mean?
EB: that it will be violent but not terribly so.
EB: no killing entire families out of spite will be included.
GC: D4MN1T

GT: I take it this is the main antagonist?
GC: WH4T G4V3 1T 4W4Y? TH3 1NCR3D1BLY OBV1OUS W4Y TH1S SHOT 1S FR4M3D?
AG: That is Cyrus ‘the Virus’ and he is the woooooooorst of the 8unch
AG: Cold, calcul8ing and incredi8ly clever.
TG: and related to miley
TG: this explains everything forever
AG: If Cameron Poe wasn’t so devilishly handsome I would have soooooooo gone for him.
GC: 1 B3T YOU H4V3 WR1TT3N 3NT1R3 NOV3LS WORTH OF 3ROT1C BL4CKROM F4NF1CS 4BOUT TH3M
AG: WH8T?
AG: I DID NOT!!!!!!!!
GA: Could Have Fooled Us
AG: Whether or not I have written smut a8out two incredi8ly 8ad-ass men is not up for de88!!!!!!!!
AG: We are talking a8out how this movie is really good!!!!!!!!!
GG: no, you are doing that.
GT: And me :)
AG: Thank you Jake. I am glaaaaaaaad at least someone gets it.
GG: but jake likes all movies!
TG: we are now in a conversation where people think jake has a better taste in movies then the rest of us
EB: i am not quite sure what to think about this

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE JUST A PERFECT FUCKING IDEA?
GC: G33 K4RK4T, WH4T WOULD TH4T B3? >:]
CG: YOU KNOW HOW JOHN CUSACK REPEATEDLY TOLD US THERE SHOULD BE NO GUNS WHATSOEVER ON THAT PLANE, EXCEPT NEAR THE PILOT IN CASE OF A WORST CASE SCENARIO?
GC: WHY Y3S K4RK4T, 1 TH1NK 1 R3M3MB3R TH4T?
CG: LETS COMPLETELY IGNORE THAT SHIT AND GIVE OUR MOLE A GUN ANYWAY.
CG: THERE IS NO WAY THAT CAN GO WRONG AND EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT PERFECTLY FOR EVERYONE FOREVER.
GC: WHY TH4T DO3S SOUND L1K3 4 GR34T 1D34
CG: BEING A LEADER OF WHATEVER BRANCH OF WHATEVER HUMAN ORGANISATION THIS IS MUST BE EASIER THEN I THOUGHT!
GC: 4LL PR41S3 OUR GLOR1OUS L34DER!
GT: Why, he is merely concerned for the safety of his agent.
CG: SO BRINGING A WEAPON IN AN ENVIROMENT FULL OF MURDERERS SEEMS LIKE AN OK THING TO DO?

GA: Quote
GA: Your Testicles Will Be My Property
GA: End Quote
GA: Is That Considered Sanitary
TT: No, not particularly.
GA: I See
GA: Is This Perhaps Considered Hispanic
TT: No, it is not.

GT: Blimey I do like how cool Cyrus plays it all.
AG: I know right!!!!!!!!
GT: He is as calm as a cucumber. I don’t think he would be out of place as a bond villain.
AG: A what?
GT: Oh, it is a series of movies about a suave spy. A lot of bombastic explosions, visually pleasing women and insane villains. Really quite enjoyable.
AG: Sounds like something I should check out……..
EB: see, that cool delivery of cyrus is one of the problems i have with this film.
AG: Joooooooohn, for the l8st time. There are NO problems with Con Air!!!!!!!!
EB: but there are!
EB: all actors only know how to act two ways; calm and emotionless, like Cyrus here or even Nicholas Cage during his montage.
GG: or batshit insane like the douchebag from earlier or everyone at some point later in the movie.
EB: exactly!
AG: Pah. This doesn’t distract me from the film at aaaaaaaall.

CG: HUMANS CAN HIDE SHIT IN THEIR HANDS?
GC: W3LL DUH
CG: NO, I DON’T THINK YOU SMELLED THIS RIGHT. LITERALLY INSIDE THEIR FUCKING HANDS.
GC: HMMM TH4T’S ODD
TT: It is not something we can recommend
TG: shit hurts like a motherfucker
TG: unless we pop it in at just the right angle
TG: then we can pretty much use our skin as extra pockets
GA: That Sounds Horrifying
CG: MORE LIKE DISGUSTING!
GT: Really? We can do those things?
TG: oh you are precious English

CG: AND NOW HE LIGHTS A GUY ON FIRE WITH THE CONTENTS FROM HIS STOMACH.
CG: I WOULD HAVE BEEN A HELL OF A LOT MORE CAREFULL IF I KNEW THESE FUCKING HUMANS COULD SPIT FIRE. MAYBE EVEN ACTED KINDER TOWARDS STRIDER, THOUGH THAT WOULD LAST ALL OF FIVE SECONDS BECAUSE THE DOUCHE WOULD OPEN HIS MOUTH AND SAY SOMETHING PUNCH-WORTHY BEFORE I PROPERLY REGISTER HIS FUCKING FIRE-BREATHING ABILITIES.
TG: karkat you have no idea
TG: i only spit the illest fires
TG: i am like paarthurnax with the flu
TG: that is just how i do
TG: so check out me and my crew
TG: fire spitting for you
TT: Yes our rhymes are truly hotter than a solar flare
TT: catching unreal air, tripping over stairs
TT: so you suckers cannot do a single thing but stare
TG: wait
TT: now everybody prepare, here comes the verse of the heir
TG: what
CG: WHAT
AG: The fuck?!
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
GG: whoa rose!!!!!!!!
GT: Blimey
GA: Rose
GA: Are You Feeling Alright
TT: Oh I am fine.
TT: But John is seriously in danger of cramping our style here.
EB: sorry?
TT: The metaphorical stage was wide open for you to set some proverbial flames but alas…. The call remained unanswered.
EB: yeah….. uhm…. i don’t really rap?
TG: john’s cramping your style?
TG: woman your cramping mine
TT: Scared of a little competition dave?
TG: no
TG: but rapping is my thing
TG: you are just doing this ironically or something to mess with me
TT: Why if I am doing this ironically it should be even better don’t you think?
TG: fuck it
TG: lets see what nicholas cage is doing

GA: So Because Of One Little Fire All The Dangerous Prisoners Are Set Loose
GA: That Strikes Me As Poor Design
TT: To be fair, they assumed the prisoners were cuffed.
GC: WHY NOT JUST H4V3 4 B1G W33N13RO4ST W1TH TH3 PR1SON3RS 1N C4S3 OF 4 F1R3 >:]
AG: 8ecause Nic Cage is among them of course!!!!!!!!!
GC: CONS1D3R1NG TH3 R3ST OF TH3 P4SS3NG3RS TH3Y M4Y W4NT TO CONS1D3R T4K1NG TH4T R1SK
EB: you can’t do that to cage.
EB: he is a national treasure .
EB: :B

GG: see, the movie should end about here.
GG: the pilot tells the control tower what’s going on, gets shot, plane crashes
GG: and so the pilot saves everyone the trouble of having to deal with cyrus and saves everyone from what happens at the end.
GT: That does sound rather dark Jade.
GT: Are you feeling alright? Your skin still the right tone?
GG: I AM NOT GOING GRIMBARK!
GG: i am just so sick of this movie.

TG: welp the bad guys have the plane
TG: that sucks
AG: Yeeeeeeees, and Cyrus has planned for everything.
AG: If oooooooonly there was a tough and handsome maverick on 8oard to foil his plans.
GC: G4SP
GC: YOU DON’T M34N
AG: that’s riiiiiiiight
AG: Nicholas Cage has to stop the crooks from running wild.
GC: HMMMMM
GC: 1 B3GRUDG1NGLY 4DM1T TH4T TH1S 1S 4 PR3TTY 4W3SOM3 S3T UP
GT: Why would you begrudge it?
GT: I think it’s the proverbial bees knees
CG: YEAH ITS ALRIGHT, FOR AN ACTION FLICK. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE MUCH WRIGGLEROOM FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT HERE.
GT: Come again?
CG: THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON FOR THE MAIN CHARACTER TO DEVELOP. HE HAS TO CLEVERLY FIGHT HIS WAY OUT AND HIS BACKSTORY ALREADY EXPLAINS HE CAN DO THAT.
CG: BY THE END OF THE MOVIE HE’LL BE THE SAME NICHOLAS CAGE AS HE IS NOW.
GT: That is quite the bold prediction you make there my friend.
CG: MARK MY WORDS.
AG: You cleeeeeeeearly don’t know what you are talking a8out.

EB: of course.
EB: the only reason the movie is R-rated and not PG-13. the rapist.
AG: Johnny 23, named after his amount of victims. He 8oasts that he’d 8e called Johnny 600 if they counted all his misdeeds.
GC: HOW D14BOL1C4L.
GA: Is That Considered Hispanic
TT: Well the actor is……
GA: I See
TT: But that’s not the point. What he does is not Hispanic, by which I mean the raping of women isn’t considered Hispanic specifically but….. Oh dear.
GA: I Am Afraid I Do Not Follow
TT: Is this going to bother you troughout the movie?
GA: Probably
TT: it’s like….. having ancestors that come from a specific corner of the world.
TG: rose fo shame
TG: your description does injustice to the proud latino culture
GA: Latino
GA: Questionmark
TT: Dave, don’t confuse her any further.

GC: Y3S! H3 JUST GOT C4G3D
GC: >8]
AG: Yeeeeeeees, Cameron Poe is trained to protect the innocent.
EB: yeah, nicholas cage is pretty much a flawless human being.
AG: So you DO like the movie!!!!!!!!
EB: what? no i don’t.
AG: You just said so!
EB: i said nicholas cage is a great guy, that doesn’t mean i like the movie.
GG: i bet he’s a douchebag in real life
EB: actually he’s just kinda goofy.
EB: he named his son after superman and wanted to play ghostrider so bad he got a giant tattoo.
GG: why would he name his son superman?
EB: worse, he named him kal-el, the kryptonian name.
GG: pfffft, the poor kid.
EB: he was this close to playing superman. now that would have been epic.
TG: nop
EB: oh come on.
TG: nu uh
TG: we are not sullying the great american icon with the face of nicholas cage
TG: have some self-respect man
TG: that’s like leaving crayon drawings all over the statue of liberty
TG: actually nevermind that would be awesome
TG: having nicholas cage play superman would be like michael cera playing the hulk
EB: who?
TG: exactly

AG: I just loooooooove the interaction 8etween these three.
AG: They really don’t trust each other 8ut stick together 8ecause they are all convicts
AG: I would watch a movie a8out these three 8reaking out together
GC: W3LL OF COURS3 YOU WOULD
GG: every expansion of this story is too much!
EB: jade you’re a little overreacting.
AG: Seriously!!!!!!!!
EB: i actually kind of like the villains i guess.
AG: Yes!
CG: SO BASICALLY WE HAVE THREE GUYS WITH QUESTIONABLE MENTAL CAPABILITIES IN CHARGE OF A PLANE FULL OF MURDERERS?
CG: FROM THIS POSITION THERE IS NO WHERE TO GO. THE AUTHORITIES WILL BE WAITING ON THEM REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY DO AND WILL GO ON A NATIONWIDE MANHUNT IF THEY REALIZE THE PLANE FULL OF MADMEN IS LOST.
CG: WHAT IS THEIR BIG PLAN? GO LIVE ON AN ISLAND SOMEWHERE? THEN EVERYONE GETS LEMONADE?

CG: OH YEAH, THAT GUY WAS STILL THERE.
CG: YOU’D THINK THEY TRAIN THERE AGENTS A LITTLE BETTER. THIS GUY HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING.
CG: IF YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY AXE MURDERERS, RAPISTS AND LOONY TUNES YOU DON’T TRY TO TAKE A HOSTAGE THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT.
CG: AND YOU ESPECIALLY *DON’T* IDENTIFY YOURSELF AS A CNN AGENT WHEN THE GUN YOU HOLD IS BASICALLY A PEASHOOTER.
TT: DEA
CG: IDC
GG: even more stupid, diamond dog just TOLD them they are going to land in a place with lot of cops and that everyone needs to follow the plan for it to work.
GG: if he just kept his head down till they reached the airport and did something to draw the attention he could have solved the entire movie right there!
GC: 4LSO, WHO 1S TH1S 3MPLOY3R CYRUS M3NT1ONS
GC: COULD TH1S 4LL B3 P4RT OF SOM3 GR34T3R SCH3M3 BY 4 UNS33N PUPP3TM4STER?
AG: errrrrrrr……..
GC: TH3Y COMPL3T3LY FORG3T 4BOUT 1T DON’T TH3Y?
GG: yup
EB: actually they address it…. sorta
GG: what?
GG: how did I miss that?
EB: they don’t address it very well like; this is the employer.
GT: Cameron Poe plays it cool though. Just listen how he tries to talk the man down.
GT: He even says it; “you know you’re in a situation you can’t control right?”
GT: The bloke is merely frightened out of his mind amidst all this chaos.
TG: yeah he tries to talk him down
TG: with the same droning voice he used throughout the movie
GT: Alright, then what about Cyrus? The bootlegged Snake uses a woman as a human shield.
TT: I was under the impression she was at the other side of the plane when this started……..

GT: Crikey that looks like it hurt

GC: M4YB3 H3’S JUST SL33P1NG

TG: whoa what a dick
TG: acting like it’s all nic cage’s fault
TG: maybe he should just let you die from your diabetes
TG: man that’s a lame way to go
GA: Indeed
GA: These Are Not Exactly Words To Inspire Your Friend With Confidence
GA: He Is Essentially Accusing Him Of Being Friends With Cyrus
CG: AND BLAMES HIM FOR THE DEATH OF AGENT MCGUFFIN. SOMETHING THAT WAS ENTIRELY THE FAULT OF THE NSA AGENT HIMSELF. WHAT A DOUCHE.
TG: and his name is baby-o
TG: now if that isn’t the name of a prison bitch i don’t know what is
GA: What Do You Mean
TG: i mean he probably dropped the soap a couple of times
GA: Is That Considered Bad In Human Culture
TG: only on Tuesdays
GA: I Swear You Have The Strangest Culture

GT: Such a noble figure.
GT: Mr Cage has a perfectly good chance to get off the plane but refuses to do so to help guard Bishop as well as his mate.
GT: Truly an outstanding act of selflessness.
TG: really cage would be well within his right to just swat his black friend
TT: He merely hasn’t seen any intimacy with someone without an y chromosome for years. He sees a potential mate in Bishop and tries his very best to impress her.
TT: Hence the white knighting and his decision to stay on board.
GT: ……. No? I think he just wants to stay on board to help his friend and sabotage the bad guys
AG: Seriously, what the hell Lalonde!!!!!!!!
TT: I prefer my own interpretation. It adds some depth to the fairly straightforward character of Cameron Poe.
AG: Not everythiiiiiiiing has to 8e a8out messed up psyches you know?
AG: Of course, look who I’m talking to.
AG: You pro8a8ly can’t get haaaaaaaard without imagining damaged psyches.
TT: Is this a bad moment to tell you I’ve been observing yours?
AG: WH8T?!
TT: Oh yes Vriska.
TT: Let me study you. Let me delve into your psyche and let us both uncover its darkest secrets.
AG: Get the fuck away from me!
TT: I want to psycho-analyze you sooooooo hard. All night long.
AG: THOSE WERE 7 O’S YOU CR8ZY 8ITCH!
EB: won’t lie, cyrus still makes me chuckle a little.
EB: the way he tells baby-o off, the way he treats pinball and how he takes to the whole hijacking thing like it’s a walk in the park.
AG: Hah! I know right!
TT: Would you say your attraction to bad-boys originated from your days as a wriggler?
AG: SHUT THE FUCK UP L8LONDE!

CG: JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST. THE AUTHORITIES CATCH ONTO THIS HEIST IN THE SLOWEST FUCKING WAY POSSIBLE.
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF CAREFULLY RESEARCHING THE CELL OF THE MOST DANGEROUS INMATE YOU HAVE IN HOLDING *AFTER* SENDING HIM FAR OUT OF YOUR REACH?
CG: THESE INCREDIBLE DICKPISTONS HOWEVER HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF HAVING TO SHARE A SOLITARY BRAINCELL AMONGST ALL OF THEM TO MAKE THE MAIN CHARACTERS LOOK COOL.
EB: huh. i hadn’t even thought of that.
EB: but yeah, i guess everyone BUT John Cusack, Nicholas Cage and Cyrus are kind of stupid.
CG: HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE THAT?
EB: i was just too distracted with how silly it all is i guess.
CG: JOHN, FOR FUCK SAKE OPEN YOUR EYES TO THE BIGGER PICTURE TO SEE HOW FAR THIS MONUMENT OF SHIT SPREADS.
CG: EVERYTHING THE LIGHT TOUCHES IS MADE OUT OF FROZEN STUPID.
GC: D4NG1T
GC: DO YOU TH1NK YOU C4N 4RGU3 4 L1TTL3 H4RD3R?
EB: we weren’t really arguing.
EB: were we?
EB: this doesn’t count as arguing when karkat is involved.
CG: THANK YOU.
GC: BUT 1 N33D ‘R3L4PS3 1NTO HUM4N K1SM3S1TUD3’ FOR MY B1NGO >:[
GC: 1 S4W D4V3 SCR1BBL1NG 1 KNOW 1 4M F4LL1NG B3H1ND
CG: STRIDER I WILL TEAR YOUR FUCKING BINGO CARD TO SHREDS, EAT THE SHREDS AND SHIT THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT!
TG: if that turns you on dude
CG: RAAAAAAAAHRWG!
TT: Ah, incomprehensible roaring. I do believe this one is mine.

GT: Ah those fortunate dastards. The sandstorm will blur the vision of the guards so Cyrus and his cronies can convincingly pose as the agents that came with the plane.
GT: Masterstroke of quick wit.
GG: yes. also the convicts remove the gps tracker of the plane.
GG: a: implying they somehow knew where this tracker was
GG: b: implying they know how to remove it without setting off like a gazillion alarmbells
GG: c: implying those ESSENTIAL GPS TRACKERS even CAN be removed from a plane that logically needs to be tracked AT ALL FUCKING TIMES!
GG: d: GOD THIS MOVIE IS STUPID!
CG: WOAH……. JADE
CG: HOLY SHIT.
GG: i’m sorry, i am just so done with con air.
GG: maybe i should just minimize the screen and stay in the chat
CG: NO NO, PLEASE. CONTINUE WATCHING THIS WITH US.
TT: Karkat clumsily hitting on one of the prospit beta’s, check.
TG: oh bs
TG: you did not have that one
TG: let me see that
TT: Read it and weep
GA: Perhaps You Could Continue This Little Game In Silence
GA: I Do Believe You Are Upsetting Karkat
TG: well that’s the point

GC: SO TH3Y GOT L1K3 4 SUP3R PR1SON3R TH4T 1S SO D4NG3ROUS H3 H4S TO B3 WH33L3D 4ROUND L1K3 TH4T
GC: H3 1S SO D4NG3ROUS H3 3V3N G3TS 4 FUNNY L1TTL3 M4SK TO PR3V3NT H1M FROM SP34K1NG 4ND OR B1T1NG
GC: 4ND H3 1S SO D4NG3ROUS TH4T H3 W4S 4 L4ST M1NUT3 4DD1T1ON TO TH4T FL1GHT
GT: Well you cannot account for bureaucratic shenanigans can you?
GC: BUR34UCR4TS 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO PR3V3NT SH3N4N1G4NS L1K3 TH4T!
GT: Really? Does bureaucracy fare better on your world?
GC: W3LL Y34H
GC: TH3Y PR3TTY MUCH CULL 4NYON3 WHO DO3SNT FUNCT1ON OR DO3SNT 4GR33
GT: Cruel as that sounds….. I err……
GT: I suppose I cannot argue with its effectiveness.
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 >:]

GG: *groan*
GT: Hahahaha awesome!
AG: I know right!!!!!!!!
CG: WHAT ARBITRARY NONSENSE! ARE THEY SUSPECTING US TO BELIEVE THIS?
CG: CYRUS IS SUCH A SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME SUPER CONVICT HE CAN CREATE A HIGH GRADE EXPLOSIVE FROM MATERIALS HE COLLECTED AROUND PRISON. ASSUMING THAT SOMEHOW, THROUGH SOME HIDEOUS QUIRK OF FATE THE LESSER INTELLIGENT MAY DESCRIBE AS A MIRACLE, SOMEHOW HE KNEW HOW TO CREATE A BOMB LIKE THAT TO BEGIN WITH.
CG: KISS MY ASS.
AG: Well may8e he’s a chemist? You ever thought of that????????
AG: He has to have gotten the name ‘the virus’ somehoooooooow. May8e he was a chemist and works aaaaaaaall sorts of nasty poisons and explosions.
CG: OOOOOOOOOOOH.
CG: WELL THAT MAKES IT OK THEN. LET’S CONTINUE WATCHING AND SEE IF WE SEE CYRUS’ FUCKING CHEMISTRY SKILLS IN ACTION.
CG: SINCE, YOU KNOW, HE IS OBVIOUSLY SOME SORT OF FUCKING WIZARD ESCAPED FROM THE TOWER OF MAGI OR WHATEVER!
CG: SINCE HE CAN CREATE A COMPLEX CODE TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIS CRONIES USING ONLY A CERTIFICATE AND TWO PICTURES. YOU WONDER WHY HE DIDN’T JUST FUCKING CONTACTED THEM TELEPATHICALLY!
GC: NO ON3 GO1NG TO COMPL41N 4BOUT TH3 3XPLOS1ON 3FF3CT?
GG: does anything even needs to be said?
GC: NO BUT 1 WOULD L1K3 TO ACKNOWL3DG3 1T

EB: ok i admit. Considering the circumstances that was a pretty clever ruse
TG: yeah
TG: setting the tape recorder to it was spring open at the exact moment it could rise suspicion
TG: brilliant idea
TG: all part of the plan
TG: leaving nothing to chance at all
TG: truly he is the chess master
TG: it is him
EB: huh. well when you put it like that then i guess it’s a bit silly.
AG: Joooooooohn, don’t listen to him.
AG: He cleeeeeeeearly doesn’t know what he’s talking a8out.
AG: Even though luck aaaaaaaalways plays a part, he was the lucky one. It was him.
GC: LUCK 4LW4YS PL4YS 4 P4RT YOU S4Y?
AG: This is a Nicholas Cage film, let him guide you through it and enjoy the ride.
GG: having nicholas cage as my guide is the last thing i want!
AG: Jade deeeeeeeear, I wasn’t talking to you.
EB: well yeah. i guess if you just look at it like that it’s just a silly action movie.
AG: Good. We’re moving up from dislike. Progress ::::)
TT: Serket
AG: Yeeeeeeees????????
TT: If I note any hint of manipul8ion I will psycho-analyze you. hard, long and intense.
AG: WH8T?!
GC: W1LL YOU JUST FUCK 4LR34DY?

GA: Stretching The Suspension Of Disbelief Here
GG: just here?
GA: Did Mr Swampthing Learn To Fly Just From Books He Somehow Got His Hands On
TT: Actually human prisons can have quite an extensive library.
GA: Regardless
GA: One Would Think Actual Flying Requires More Than Just Reading About It
AG: Perhaps Swampthing was a pilot 8efore he got thrown into the slammer!
CG: YOU CAN’T USE AN EXCUSE LIKE THAT TWICE SERKET!
CG: STRIDER PUT THAT FUCKING BINGOCARD AWAY OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FOLD YOUR STUPID FUCKING GLASSES INTO A BICYCLE AND SHRINK YOU TO SUCH A SIZE THAT YOU’LL BE ABLE TO USE IT TO GET BACK TO THAT GARBAGEDUMP YOU CALL A HIVE.

CG: SO CLOSE YOU FUCKING HUMANS. SO CLOSE.
GT: Is something rustling your jimmies my loud pal?
CG: RUSTLING MY…. WHAT?
GT: Ah let me rephrase that.
GT: Is something getting your goat?
CG: WHAT IS THIS OBSESSION WITH SHRILL BEARDED LIVESTOCK?
GT: ……..
GT: Is something upsetting you?
CG: THESE FUCKING HUMANS WERE THIS CLOSE, *THIS* FUCKING CLOSE TO GETTING A PROPER KISMESITUDE ON FILM. THERE ARE MOMENTS IN THE DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE DOUCHEBAG AND JOHN CUSACK THAT ARE TRULY MASTERFULLY EXECUTED BLACKROM FLIRTATIONS.
GT: A romance between John Cusack and…….. Huh?
GT: I am afraid I don’t see it.
CG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF…………
CG: DID YOU ASSHOLES FORGET TO TELL HIM ABOUT KISMESITUDE? REALLY?
CG: THIS IS CRUCIAL SHIT PEOPLE!
TG: i consider it more shit than crucial

AG: I caaaaaaaan’t get enough of this guy.
AG: He is a 8ad-ass and he enjoys eeeeeeeevery moment of it.
GG: well he has an unfair advantage
GG: he knows the GPS thing is taken off the plane
AG: Yes!
AG: Cause he’s soooooooo clever.
AG: And Nicholas Cage 8lends in so smoothly. What a 8oss.
GC: T4UNT1NG TH3 L4W CYRUS DO3S
GC: H3 1S JUST 4SK1NG FOR 4 V1SU4LLY 1RON1C4LLY D34D
GC: L1K3 G3TT1NG H1T OV3R TH3 H34D W1TH 4 G4V3L
GC: OR M4UL3D BY ANGRY T1G3RS
GT: I fail to see how this is visually ironic
GC: 1T 1SN’T
GC: BUT 1T WOULD B3 V3RY 4MUS1NG
GT: Errr….. *backs away slowly*
GC: *FOLLOWS TH3 B3SP3CT4CL3D HUM4N* 4R3 W3 ROL3PL4Y1NG? SH3 4SKS.
GT: ……… No?
GC: OH
GC: P1TY
TG: dodged a bullet there bro
GC: H3Y >:[
TG: protip
TG: get out once she gets the furry suits
GC: D4V3!

GA: Oh
GA: Is Mrs Poe Going To Be Involved With The Story
AG: Eh, not reeeeeeeeally……..
AG: She kinda fades to the 8ackground when held up against murderers and Nicholas Cage
GA: I See
GA: Pity
GA: She Seems To Be Just A Plot device Then
GA: An Object To Set The Story In Motion
GA: By Which I Mean She Got Threatened With Rape So Nicholas Cage Defends Her With All Consequences
GA: And She Serves As The Goal For The Protagonist
GA: Being Reunited With Her
EB: what’s your point?
GA: That Her Character Is Completely One Dimensional And Not Worth The Screen Time She Is Given

GG: dave
TG: yo
GG: what is a housenigger?
TT: pffft….. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
TT: Please Dave. Elaborate.
TG: don’t shove this on my plate like some nasty veggies you don’t want
TT: The lady specifically asked you.
EB: oh geesh……… how do we explain this.
GT: I didn’t want to ask, but I am just as confused as you are Jade.
CG: SERKET?
AG: Not a clue.
GG: :(
TG: couldn’t you ask egbert during your billionth viewing
GG: well i tried asking davesprite but he was just as evasive about it :(
TG: christ
TG: so ok a housenigger
TG: basically
TG: imagine a robobutler
TG: but its not a robot
TG: and there is a whole lot of racism
GG: what?
GT: What?

GA: What Is Wrong With That Mans Pronunciation Of The Word Murder
GA: There Is A Very Noticeable U In There
GA: As Opposed To The Oi Sound He Uses
AG: Also note that they are de8ating the philosophy of civilization!!!!!!!!
AG: This movie has soooooooo many layers it’s insane
GG: mentioning something a dead guy once said is not debating philosophy!
AG: 8ut they discuss whether or not murderers deserve humanity, how is that not interesting!!!!!!!!?
GC: B3C4US3 1T G3TS R3SOLV3D 4FT3R ON3 3XCH4NG3 W1TH 4 FUCK YOU
CG: NOT ONLY THAT, BUT THAT THIRD INCREDIBLY WELL-DEVELOPPED COP CHARACTER MUST BE THE WORST AUSPISTICE IN THE WORLD.
CG: HE IS A COMPLETE BITCH FOR THE SHOUTY GUY.

GT: Oh goodie. Now we are getting to the action part of this action movie.
GT: Expensive military hardware set to explode anything that looks at them funny.
GT: Extensive firefights with the criminals on the run.
GT: Truly this is the pinnacle of human cinema.
AG: Yeeeeeeees, 8ut you are forgetting oooooooone thing.
GT: Oh?
AG: They are following that GPS thing. And where oh where did that go.
GT: Well they planted that doohickey on another’s plane.
GT: Hijinx ensues?
AG: Shenanigans are afoot.
GT: Silliness is bound to happen.

TG: RIP dave chappelle.
TG: may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
TG: you moderately funny comedian.

GA: I See
GA: This Is Very Quick Thinking On Mr Cage His Part
GA: But
GA: How Does He Know Who To Send It To
GA: He Never Met Or Spoken To John Cusack
GC: M4YB3 H3 OV3RH34RD H1S CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH CYRUS
GA: There Is No Indication Of That
AG: 8ut it is oooooooo8viously what happened.
GA: I Suppose It Is The Only Logical Explanation
GG: but where oh where did the pen come from?
GA: Pardon
GG: well he has to have found that pen somewhere, otherwise he couldn’t have written all that stuff on dave chappelle’s shirt.
GG: where did it come from?
EB: one of the boxes with personal belongings i guess?
GC: CONV3N13NT

GT: So…….
GT: Bloody…..
GT: Spectacular.
CG: NICHOLAS CAGE JUST MURDERED, WOUNDED AND/OR TRAUMATISED AT LEAST TWENTY PEOPLE BY DROPPING A CORPSE FROM THE PLANE.
CG: NOT EXACTLY THE PERFECT PLAN ASSHOLE.
AG: Oh come ooooooon. What else was he supposed to do????????
GT: Jump down, catch the corpse and use a parachute for a safe landing.
AG: Laaaaaaaame.
AG: As if he can get his hands on a parachute without 8eing suspicious as fuck.
GT: I don’t know, I am just tossing suggestions around.

CG: DEAR GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS FACE? HE LOOKS HORRIFYING. LIKE A HUMAN ONE DAY DECIDED TO MATE WITH A DEEPSEA ANGLERFISH.
TT: The actor is actually renowned for his….. peculiar look.
GA: He Appears To Be The Sanest Person On The Plane
GA: Which Is Odd Considering The Way They Build Him Up
GA: Like Some Sort Of Super Criminal
GC: 4 M4N WHO F33LS STR3SS3D 4ND P41N3D 1N MOM3NTS OF L3V1TY?
GC: 1S TH1S 4 R34L D1SORD3R ROS3?
TT: Possibly. I would have to look it up.
GC: PL34S3 DO
CG: OK, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SMELLING AT ME LIKE THAT?
CG: I DON’T FEEL PAIN WHEN I AM HAPPY. I FEEL HAPPY WHEN I AM HAPPY.
GC: PL34S3 HURRY ROS3
CG: GODDAMNIT TEREZI!

CG: YES, BRILIANT.
CG: YOU KNOW HOW THAT WRIGGLER’S FATHER IS IN A INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS SITUATION AND MIGHT EVEN BE CO-CONSPIRING WITH THE VILLAINS FOR AS FAR AS JOHN CUSACK KNOWS?
CG: LET’S INVITE THE WRIGGLER TO BE BRIEFED ABOUT HER FATHER’S SITUATION AS WELL.
CG: THAT IS TOTALLY PROFESSIONAL.
GA: And Once Again The Wife And Child Add Nothing To The Plot
GA: They Merely Function As End Goal For Nicholas Cage

TG: and so john Cusack comes into action
TG: riding the car of his douchebag collegue with a even douchier novelty plate
TG: i swear
TG: if i ever had a chance to get my driver’s license i was going to get the biggest and douchiest of all novelty plates just to piss people off
TG: i would be like santa claus
TG: spreading road rage to all the good little boys and girls
TG: have you been bad this year lil timmy
TG: don’t worry
TG: i am not a judgmental asshole like the jolly red man
TG: rage for everyone
CG: EVERYTHING YOU SAY MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT JUST A LITTLE MORE.
TG: if you do i am only one tantrum away from a bingo
CG: YOU ARE SCUM.
TT: And what, pray tell, would this douchiest novelty plate be?
TG: torn between ATTNHO
TG: GR8D8B8
TG: and PLZBHATN
EB: oh god, that last one is atrocious.
AG: What’s wrong with GR8D8B8?

CG: A GUY ACTUALLY USING HIS BRAIN? FUCKING FINALLY. BUT ONCE AGAIN IT IS A VILLAIN AND/OR NIC CAGE.
GC: ST1LL TH1S 1S 4 TR3M3NDOUS BR34CH OF PR1V4CY
CG: AND HOW FUCKING CONVENIENT NIC CAGE READED THE TELEPHATIC SIGNS THAT THIS ASSHOLE WENT DOWN TO DIG THROUGH HIS STUFF AND MESS EVERYTHING UP.

AG: Put
EB: Put

AG: The 8unny
EB: the bunny

AG: 8ack
EB: back

AG: IN
EB: IN

AG: THE 8OX!!!!!!!!
EB: the box!!!!!!!!

CG: AND SO POE KILLS ANOTHER ONE OF HIS FELLOW MEN. NICE ONE.
EB: oh he should have put liv tyler back in the box.
GT: Terry Kiser
GT: And jumping jehosaphat that was a tight fight scene.
EB: i know right!
AG: Alright John. I don’t caaaaaaaare what you say, you still LIKE Con Air.
EB: but it’s so stupid!
AG: Come oooooooon. You were just as into the 8unny scene as I was just now!!!!!!!!
GG: seriously john, you aren’t fooling anyone :P
EB: but i don’t LIKE con air.
EB: it is incredibly silly. the dialogue is stupid and cameron poe isn’t written to do nicholas cage justice.
EB: just wait till the later action scenes. it is soooooooo goofy!
TT: John, are you perhaps familiar with the phrase: guilty pleasure?
EB: what is that?
TT: As I thought.

GT: Oh those bumbling ninnies finally realize they have been tracking a decoy.
GT: If only they had listened to John Cusack. They would have seemed them this frankly embarrassing display, hilarious as it may be.
CG: YES. NOW HE HAS TO FACE JOHN CUSACK, WHO WAS RIGHT AL ALONG. THIS KISMESITUDE SEEMS TO BE GROWING STALE AND ONE –SIDED VERY QUICKLY.
CG: INSTEAD OF A RIVALRY BETWEEN EQUALS WE HAVE GOD-AMONGST-MEN JOHN CUSACK AND BUMBLING MORON, FLABBY WHATSHISFACE.
GT: So this kismesitude thing is about rivalry?
CG: WELL, NOT ENTIRELY BUT IT IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THE CORNERSTONES OF A HEALTHY KISMESITUDE.
GT: Hmmhmm I see.
GC: 3XPOS1T1ON ON QU4DR4NTS. CH3CK.
CG: QUIET.
GT: Could one, hypothetically, have a kismesitude with a robot?
CG: WHAT?!
CG: NO, WHAT KIND OF STUPID QUESTION IS THAT? WHY WOULD ANYONE FALL IN HATE WITH A MACHINE?
GC: UNL3SS 1TS 4 SOULBOT
CG: RIGHT UNLESS IT’S A SOULBOT.
GT: Phew.
GT: Sure dodged a bullet on that one. That could have been mighty uncomfortable.

GA: Worst Part About Him Is
GA: That Sometimes In A Twisted Sort Of Way
GA: He Speaks Truth
TG: yeah not looking forward to working office fifty years and being told to piss of
TG: then again i was promised a great carreer in urban ninjaing
TG: we simply commit seppuku when we get too old to do a kickflip
TT: Dave, can you skate?
TG: i am a shame to my clan
GT: Yes but he also claims he wore the head of a little girl as a hat…..
GT: Yikes, that is such an unpleasant mental image.
GA: His Performance As Insane Person Is Eerily Convincing

GC: TONS OF D4M4G3, N34RLY CR4SH1NG 1NTO 4 PROP4N3 T4NK 4ND D3F1N1T3LY GOTT3N TH3 4TT3NT1ON OF 4NY HUM4N TH4T M4Y B3 W4TCH1NG
GC: 1NCLUD1NG TH4T POOR SOB 1N H1S L1TTL3 HOBBY PL4N3
GC: SO 4LL 1N 4LL IT W3NT B3TT3R TH4N 3XP3CT3D

CG: NO. FUCK THIS GUY.
CG: I WOULD STILL BE PISSED ABOUT HIS COMMENT EARLIER, ABOUT BLAMING POE FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SAVE THAT CRAZY BBW GUY WITH THE GUN.
TG: their relation truly is an inspiration for the lgbt community
CG: AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING ABBREVIATIONS!
GG: you think they are gay dave?
CG: WAS THAT WHAT HE MEANT?
TG: shit harley look at them
TG: roommates for eight years
TG: no women anywhere
TG: lonely winter nights
TT: Sexual Repression.
TG: why you got to look at me like that rose?
TT: I am merely amused by your quickly formulated hypothesis. Please continue.
TG: no no no no i know that look
TG: next youll be telling me how i secretly fantasize about getting a cork up my butt or whatever
TT: And do you?
TG: can we not do this right now?
TG: kanaya please call her off.
GA: Rose Dear
GA: Please Behave
GA: Your Brother Clearly Has A Lot Of Issues He Needs To Resolve But You Should Not Force The Issue
TG:
TG: goddamnit people

GC: 1 DON’T L1K3 TH3 T4LL D4RK GUY
GC: WH4T M4NN3R OF B34ST W4NTS TO K1LL 1NNOC3NT 3NFORC3RS OF TH3 L4W
GC: TH3 M4YOR WOULD B3 4SH4M3D
AG: 8ut Mr Cage comes to the rescue!
AG: What a man.
AG: What a smooooooooth talker.
GG: what a faaaaaaaake southern accent.
AG: What a handsome devil.
GG: he really needs a haircut……..
GC: SO TH1S 1S WH3R3 TH31R 3MPLOY3R COM3S 1N?
GC: TH3 SCR4WNY LOOK1NG CONV1CT TH3Y P1CK3D UP 34RL13R?
GC: CYRUS 1S OBV1OUSLY ST1LL 1N CH4RG3 SO W4S 1T M34NT TO B3 CUT3?
CG: MOVIE DOESN’T CARE AS LONG AS NIC CAGE, JOHN CUSACK AND CYRUS LOOK COOL.

AG: SWOOOOOOOON <33333333
GC: YUCK

GA: Oh Dear
GA: This Is Horrifying
GT: Rather quite.
GT: With this unpredictable predator she may end up a future hat
AG: I can’t help it…. 8ut that mental image just looks soooooooo funny to me.
CG: WELL YEAH, YOU’RE PSYCHOTIC.
GA: Garland Is Not Evil In The Way Cyrus Or His Cronies Are
GA: But There Is Something Very
GA: Disturbing
GA: About Him
GT: No I feel it too. There is definitely something eerie about him.
TG: there is something eerie about steve buscemi period
TG: no idea why that girl stays sitting there
TG: anyone would run seeing this guy

GT: Absolutely stunning how Nic Cage disarms those goons.
GT: He takes on those 3 goons like it’s nothing and still has the guts to stand up against John Cusack like a true boss.
GC: SOOOOO
GC: H3 TRUSTS JOHN CUS4CK 3NOUGH TO S3ND 4 F4LL1NG CORPS3 TO TH3 GUY
GC: BUT NOT 3NOUGH TO T3LL H1M WH4T’S GO1NG ON UNT1LL CUS4CK M3NT1ONS H1S F4M1LY
GC: C4N N1CHOL4S C4G3 M4YB3 M4K3 UP H1S M1ND ON WH3TH3R OR NOT TO TRUST TH1S GUY?

CG: THEY ARE SINGING.
CG: WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE THEY SINGING?
CG: THIS IS NOT A SINGING MOVIE. THIS IS NOT A SINGING MOMENT.
CG: IF I WERE TO BREAK OUT IN A FUCKING MUSICAL ACT RIGHT NOW PEOPLE WOULD RIGHTFULLY PUNCH ME IN THE GUTS.
TT: It is meant to be disturbing
TT: Seeing the obvious psychopath in such a innocent setting all the while eyeing that little girl is a legitimate cause for concern.
CG: JUST LET HIM MAKE A HAT OUT OF HER ALREADY AND GET IT OVER WITH.

TG: heigh ho heigh ho
TG: this work’s gonna blow
GA: I Do Not Think The Limited Amount Of Manpower They Have Available Is Enough To Dig The Plane Out Before The Cops Arrive
GT: They have a tractor
GT: If You Look Carefully
GT: If you squint
GT: The point is, they are in a real hurry to get it out. Adrenaline starts pumping and you can achieve amazing feats.

CG: CONSIDERING THEIR TIME AND RESOURCES, CYRUS DOES A REALLY GOOD JOB DIRECTING THESE NUTJOBS.
AG: “and what is that thing over there?”
AG: “a rock” *kicks it away casually*
AG: AWESOME!
GT: That was indeed a great comically timed comment
GG: meh

TG: yes
TG: drugs
TG: awesome

GT: Bugger. Those soldiers didn’t stand a chance
GG: of course not. everyone but the core three characters are really incompetent.
GG: these supposedly well trained elite soldiers are completely taken off guard by what is really a simple trap
EB: meanwhile nicholas cage fearlessly rushes trough the explosions while the audience is starting to suspect baby-o might not be worth going through this.
GT: But look at how glorious this is shot. Truly extreme action blasting from the screen.
AG: And Cyrus’s quick setting up of those propane-8om8s support the idea that he studied chemistry!!!!!!!!
GC: NOW YOU JUST TRY TO S4V3 YOUR OWN S1LY TH3OR13
GT: Really, it is amazing to see how bravely Nicholas Cage rushes through the warzone to save his friend.
GG: and surprisingly no one aims for the convict running unarmed through the open with a target strapped to his back

AG: You know what they say, go out with a 8ang and all that.
GC: 1 DON’T TH1NK B1SHOP 4PPR3C14T3S TH3 S3NT1M3NT.

CG: SO THERE JUST HAPPENED TO BE A LARGE FUCKING BULLDOZER ON THE SCRAPHEAP THAT NOT ONLY WAS STILL OPERATIONAL BUT SOMEHOW HAD THE BLOODY KEY STUCK IN THE IGNITION?
CG: THERE’S HAPPY LITTLE COINCIDENCE AND THEN THERE IS PULLING SHIT OUT OF YOUR ARSE!
GT: It seems a bit contrived, but it is so gosh darned well executed I cannot hold it against the movie.
CG: YOU ARE MORE EASILY IMPRESSED THEN A BLACK FEATHERBEAST IN A TINFOIL FACTORY.

AG: YOU JUST GOT C8GED SON!
GT: He even managed to sabotage the plane amidst the firefight. What a legend this man.
EB: meh
EB: no one beside the rapist to notice he is doing all these obvious things to sabotage them?
EB: stopping the execution of those cops had some thought behind it, but he is going to have a hard time explaining the other things. Not coming with the fuel wagon, tying the plane up.
GG: no one turns his head to see what he is doing?
GT: I fear they are rather occupied with the shoot out.
EB: eh that’s fair.
GG: no it isn’t!

GA: I Feel Like A Witty One-Liner Should Go Here
GA: Why Is No One Dropping The Witty One-Liner
GC: L3T M3 G1V3 1T 4 SHOT
GC: LOOKS L1K3 H1S 4ZZ JUST GOT KCK3D
GC: Y3333333344444444444H >8]
TT: A callback to his novelty plate. Not bad.
TT:”So how are those airmiles working out?”

GA: I
GA: I Am Incredibly Confused By This
GA: Person
GA: I Thought Only Men Went To Prison
TT: No. Women go to different prisons.
GA: I See
GA: Then The Womans Prison Was Full And She Got Transferred?
TG: no
TG: see
TG: this is what we humans refer to as a trap
TG: the literal jailbait
GA: I Do Not Follow
TT: …..You know how human genders are defined correct?
GA: Yes
TT: Well this person acts and looks like one gender while being of the other. A man acting like a woman. Hence Dave’s less then eloquent description of ‘a trap’.
TG: come on that shit was gold
TT: Actually, brother mine, quite a lot of people would call it offensive for further reinforcing negative stereotypes surrounding LGBTTQQIAPA-culture.
TG: are you just making shit up as you go
TT: It stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans*, two-spirited, queer, questioning, intersex, a-sexual pansexual and aromantic, though I do agree that the acronym is more than a little bloated.
TG: no shit
TT: Regardless, calling her a trap is very offensive.
TG: fine ill cut down on the insensitivity but please find a more user-friendly acronym
TG: it looks like one of roxy's cats rolled all over your keyboard
GA: Well Whatever His or Her Genitalia
TT: I do believe she identifies as female, though the movie never explicitely states it.
GA: She Sure Seems To Know How To Party Regardless Of How She May Or May Not Identify
GT: And Garland has to make some incredibly ominous commentary again. Thank the lord we saw confirmation that apparently the child he was with is completely fine.
CG: WHAT A COP OUT.

TG: dude
TG: gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
TT: Is there a problem, brother mine?
TG: what no
TG: not at all
GG: oh yeah there was still the corpse of the guy Nic Cage murdered in the cargo hold.
GC: TH3Y PROB4BLY GOT 4L3RT3D BY TH3 SM3LL
GG: it also makes the black guy’s sacrifice COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS.
GG: because the bad guys WENT to the cargo hold it doesn’t take a genius to figure out they read Nic Cage’s documents!!!!!
GG: i get that he wants to take the fall for his friend and in any other situation it would have been noble…..
GG: now it’s just stupid :(
AG: He hooooooooped they HADNT read the document.
GG: well that’s a stupid thing to bet your life on!
GT: Cyrus certainly seems dangerous now. His calm façade is fading and he clearly intents to murder Mr Cage.
GG: well yeah
GG: it surprises me it took them this long to figure out
GG: and there’s still about thirty minutes left :(
GC: 1 4M 1N 4GR33M3NT W1TH MRS FR3SHLY CUT GR4SS
GC: 1T TOOK TH3M W4Y TO LONG TO F1ND OUT
AG: Of course you are. You just want to h8 on this movie 8ecause I really like it!!!!!!!!
GC: 1 DON’T H4T3 TH3 MOV13
GC: 1N F4CT 1 TH1NK 1TS R4TH3R 3NJOY4BL3 >:]
AG: Oh…….. Did not expect that one.
GC: NOT L1V1NG UP TO TH3 HYP3 YOU BU1LT UP THOUGH
GC: FOR 3X4MPL3 1T F41L3D TO CUR3 MY 3Y3S1GHT W1TH 1TS SH33R 4W3SOM3N3SS
GG: :P
AG: Oh yeah, that was kiiiiiiind of stupid……..

TG: make a move or the bunny gets it
TG: cheesiest line ever
GG: cheesiest line ever
GT: Best line ever
AG: Best line ever
TG: huh
GG: !!!
GT: Oh dear
AG: Oh come oooooooon.
GC: F1GHT F1GHT F1GHT F1GHT
AG: Shut up Terezi.

CG: THEY ARE RIGHT FUCKING THERE. JUST FIRE 1 HEAVY EXPLOSIVE AND GET IT DONE WITH.
CG: BUT NO, HUMAN GOD, HOLY SAINT AND ARCHSAGE JOHN CUSACK MUST DISAGREE. WHAT BULLSHIT
GT: I
GT: John Cusack is not a saint is he?
GC: JUST 1GNOR3 1T 3NGL1SH
GC: H3 G3TS L1K3 TH4T
GT: Does he do that often?
GC: MOR3 TH4N 3NOUGH
GC: BUT 1T N3V3R G3TS OLD

EB: so now poe has control of the plane.
GG: cyrus takes it well.
GC: 4ND TH3Y W1LL L4ND 1N 4 PROP3R HUM4N 41RPORT
GG: yes expect they don’t
GC: >:?

TG: Houston we have a problem
GA: Who Is Houston

TG: movie is a dick to LA
TT: So much property damage that could have been avoided by just shooting them out of the sky.
CG: COUNTLESS DEATHS ALL BECAUSE REINCARNATED SAVIOR JOHN CUSACK DIDN’T WANT TO SHOOT THE MURDERERS OUT OF THE SKY.
GT: Just look at this chaos, all these explosions. Absolutely marvelous how the movie never fails to raise the stakes.
EB: apparently they were going to tear this place down anyway so everyone kind of rushed to get these shots in.
EB: it does mean they could go nuts in property damage.
GT: Blimey what a stroke of luck.

GG: this
GG: just…… this.
GC: 1T W3NT BY SO F4ST 1 COULDN’T SM3LL 1T >:I
GG: one of the rotorblades got loose, ricocheted and sawed its way into the plane.
GG: going right between cyrus and nic cage
EB: they stand right next to each other
EB: but somehow the giant buzzing saw of death neatly dodges them
CG: THIS FUCKING MOVIE IS EXHAUSTING BY SUSPENSE OF DISBELIEF.
CG: SCRATCH THAT, IT JUST GOT FUCKING ASSASSINATED. IT’S ARMS GOT RIPPED OFF AND IT GOT SWATTED TO DEATH WITH THEM.
CG: CON AIR IS A FUCKING MURDERER.

GC: HOW
GC: TH3 PL4N3 CR4SH3D 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF TH3 C1TY
GC: YOU H4D 1T SURROUND3D
GC: YOU W3R3 4RM3D
GC: 4ND ST1LL THOS3 4SSHOL3S 3LUD3 YOUR GR4SP
GG: it isn’t that the crooks are stealthy
GG: it’s simply that the cops are clumsy
GG: the movie should be over now :(
EB: hold on a bit longer ok?
GT: Huzzah, the movie continues a bit longer!
GT: Just when you think it couldn’t get any better!
GG: *groan*
GC: 4ND NOW TH3Y SH4M3L3SSLY ST34L GOV3RNM3NT PROP3RTY
GC: B3C4USE *TH3Y* 4R3 TH3 ONLY ON3S TH4T C4N STOP CYRUS
CG: LEARN TO DELEGATE ASSHOLES!
GT: To be fair, John Cusack IS a marshal, so he should be allowed to ride those motorbikes.

CG: AND MORE FUCKING EXPLOSIONS.
CG: THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF OF THE MOVIE HAS BEEN ONE BIG ACTIONSCENE, OCASSIONALLY INTERRUPTED BY SECONDS OF TALKING.
GT: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
GA: And So Diamond Dog And Swampthing Die
GA: Finally
GA: But Whatever Happens To Cyrus
GA: Oh That Looks Like It Hurt
GA: But Now They Can Arrest Him And
GA: Oh Dear
GA: Oh My
GA: That Was Uncalled For
GC: 3L3CTROCUT1ON FOLLOW3D BY SKULL CRUSH1NG
TG: dont you just love the completely random skull crushing machine standing there
TG: just waiting for someone to see if it works
GC: 1 4PPROV3 OF TH1S FORM OF C4P1T4L PUN1SHM3NT 4ND PROPOS3 W3 CONS1D3R US1NG 1T OURS3LF 1N TH3 FUTUR3
CG: OVERRULED
GC: D4MN

CG: WHEN THE FUCKNUGGETS DID THESE TWO BECOME BEST FRIEND? HE ENDANGERED YOUR ENTIRE MISSION? HE CRUSHED YOUR CAR?
CG: FOR GODS SAKE JUST ONE TIME I WISH THESE HUMANS WOULD LEARN THE VALUE OF A GOOD HATESNOGGING.
CG: IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK?
TG: dude
TG: no homo
CG: DON’T YOU EVEN START WITH ME YOU CONDESCENDING PRICK. YOU HAVE YOUR HEAD SO FAR UP YOUR OWN ANAL PASSAGE THAT HATESNOGGING YOU WOULD MAKE MY BREATH SMELL FOR WEEKS ON END!
TG: i am flattered and all but i think you have more chance of success with egbert
EB: what?
EB: dave don’t push this on me!
CG: DOESN’T MATTER. I HATE YOU BOTH ALMOST EQUALLY.
TG: threesome aint gonna happen either dude
TG: would just make it weird
CG: ARGEABAVRBNIRBNERNBRNBPEOQAH
TT: We already got incomprehensible growling Karkat. But if you would be so kind as to rant about erotic fanfiction for a moment I would be most grateful.
TG: except he shouldn’t
TG: that shit is the last one you need to complete your bingo you sneaky witch

AG: How do I………
AG: Get through one night without you………
AG: if I had to live without you
AG: what kind of life would that be?
EB: I need you and my arms need you to hold
EB: you’re my world, my heart, my soul
EB: if you were to leeeaaave
EB: baby that would take away everything good in my life
TT: Nominated for both the best and the worst original song the year the movie came out. It ultimately won neither, but it does show a very hate/love attitude towards it.
CG: IT’S WAY TO FUCKING SACCHARINE
EB: but i still get some shivers from this scene…… yeah.
EB: the emotional height of the movie, reuniting with his wife and child after such a struggle. giving her liv tyler. It is such a beautiful scene
TT: It’s a guilty pleasure John. You can enjoy something while being fully aware of how stupid it is.
EB: yeah, i think that sums it up yeah.
EB: it’s really dumb and really goofy but….. I just can’t bring myself to hate it.
AG: Yes!!!!!!!!
AG: I’ll take it!
AG: So that was con air everyone.
AG: Closing thoughts????????
GG: i am just really glad its over
GT: Don’t you think you’ve been a little harsh on this flick Jade?
GT: I really think it was quite cool with lots of action and a very well executed set-up.
GG: the first time i saw it, it was basically alright
GG: but i sat trough it so many times during our three year trip i really didn’t want to see it again
GG: i just enjoyed chatting up with you guys :/
GT: Ah, well I suppose that is sufficient in it’s own way.
GT: I however truly loved it. Unironically.
GG: of course YOU loved it, you big goof
GA: It Was A Relatively Harmless Film
GA: A Proper Way To Pass The Time
GA: Not Something I Would Soon Return To But Amusing In Its Own Right
TG: alright alright
TG: it was not as bad as i feared it would be
TG: though Nicholas cage’s ugly mug and his uglier accent still distracted the hell out of me
TG: was it set in stone that his character had to be from the south?
TG: couldn’t they make a few changes the first time they heard him stutter in that dialect?
TT: Hmmm I didn’t really like it.
AG: WH8T?
TT: Do not take it personal Vriska dear. It was merely a bit too pedestrian for my tastes.
TT: Too much macho and too little sophistication. In the latter half of the movie everything just kind of blurred together in one big action scene.
AG: Pah, you’re just pissed it doesn’t have your f8cking wizards.
TT: The presence of wizards would greatly improve con air, I agree.
CG: TEREZI, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
GC: 1T W4S FUN
GC: 1 GU3SS
CG: YEAH…. I AM NOT SURE HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THIS MOVIE. IT IS STUPID, DUMB AND NICHOLAS CAGE IS AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN A TERRIBLE ACTOR.
EB: *gasp*
AG: *gasp*
CG: BUT I DON’T HATE IT. THE SET UP IS GREAT AND THE VILLAINS ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN TO WATCH.
EB: soooooooo i have a buddy in the guilty pleasure camp?
CG: I GUESS.
EB: awesome!
CG: RIGHT. GLAD WE SORTED THAT OUT.
AG: Alright then. Every8ody out so John and I can talk a8out Nic Cage and what movie to watch next.
CG: HOLD IT THE FUCK UP SERKET. I CALL DIBBS ON NEXT STREAM.
CG: I WILL MAKE YOU ASSHOLES WATCH AND APPRECIATE THE CLASSICS TO INSERT A LITTLE BIT OF GODDAMN CULTURE INTO YOUR ROTTEN CRANIUMS.

--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned carcinoGeneticist [CG]--
--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned gallowsCalibrator [GC]--

GA: If You Could Hold On A Moment Vriska Dear
GA: Perhaps You Could Meet Me After This Incredibly Important Discussion
AG: Uhm........ Yeah, sure.
GA: Wonderful

--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned grimAuxiliatrix [GA]—
--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned turntechGodhead [TG]—
--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned gardenGnostic [GG]—
--arachnidsGrip [AG] banned tentacleTherapist [TT]—

AG: So. Finally some priiiiiiiivacy.
EB: yes. now we can discuss strategy.
EB: what movie do you want to watch next?
AG: Lord of War looked preeeeeeeetty sweet.
EB: what about Face Off
AG: What a8out 8ad Lieutenant?
GT: Uhm…. Does it have to be a Nicholas Cage movie?
EB: oh, you were still here Jake?
AG: Crap. Forgot to 8an him. Let’s change that.
GT: If I may, I think I have a suggestion you might enjoy.
AG: Oh really????????
AG: Do tell……..

Chapter Text

--carcinoGeneticist [CG]opened memo: MOVIES FOR DIPSHITS at 19:21--

CG: ALRIGHT. LAST WEEK? KIND OF A MASSIVE DISAPPOINTMENT.
CG: DON’T GET ME WRONG. I AM FUCKING ECSTATIC YOU ASSHOLES ACTUALLY THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH MOVIES TOGETER. YOU KNOW, WITHOUT MURDERING EACH OTHER.
CG: PRO-TIP TO ANY PAST SELVES LISTENING IN: AVOID A HUMAN GAME CALLED MONOPOLY AT ALL COSTS. *ESPECIALLY* WITH TEREZI, VRISKA, ERIDAN, ROSE AND DAMARA. I DON’T THINK I WILL EVER BE CLEAN AGAIN.
CG: ANYWAY. AS I WAS SAYING. I AM GLAD WE ARE HAVING MOVIENIGHTS. IT IS A GOOD CHANCE TO INTRODUCE YOU PEOPLE TO SOME FUCKING CULTURE.
CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU HAVE SUDDENLY GOTTEN A GOOD TASTE IN MOVIES. CON AIR, THOUGH NOT AS OFFENSIVE AS I FEARED IT WOULD BE, IS PART OF A SHITTY SCHOOL OF HUMAN CINEMA THAT DESERVES TO BE WHIPED OUT BY A SHOWER OF ANGRY SHIT-SEEKING METEORITES.
CG: THE FACT THAT SERKET STILL DEFENDS THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE AS A MASTERPIECE, SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU CANNOT APPRECIATE A GOOD MOVIE IF IT ASSAULTED YOUR OCULARS.
CG: WITH THAT IN MIND, I THINK IT’S ONLY FAIR THAT *I* GET TO CHOOSE THE MOVIE THIS WEEK. BOTH AS GRAND DICTATOR OF THIS STREAM AND AS FORM OF QUALITY CONTROL. THIS WAY WE MAKE SURE THAT YOUR POOR DEFORMED THINKPANS DON’T BEGIN A MASS-SUICIDE AS THE RESULT OF ANOTHER TERRIBLE TERRIBLE MOVIE.
CG: ANY TAKERS?

--golgothasTerror [GT] entered memo at 19:30--

GT: Jolly good chum.
GT: I am completely stoked we are doing another one of these cinematic experiences.
GT: Tally ho, onwards to another adventure!
CG: ENGLISH HUMAN.
GT: It is Jake actually.
GT: I have an most amusing film you can stream. Truly a testament of human cinema.
CG: NO, WE ARE DONE WITH HUMAN CINEMA.
CG: I JUST FINISHED SAYING THAT. DOES ANYONE EVEN READ THE FUCKING MEMO!
GT: No need to be so dismissive of our line of movies.
GT: Trust me on this one. It’ll be grand.

--timeausTestified [TT] entered memo at 19:31--

TT: I’ll vouch for him. Jake’s taste in movies is impeccable.
CG: REALLY?
TT: He never ceases to amaze us, that’s for sure.
GT: Mighty kind words Strider.
TT: Yeah, you’re welcome.
CG: SO WHAT? I AM SUPPOSED TO JUST GIVE YOU THE REIGNS OF THE STREAM? LET ENGLISH DECIDE WHAT WE ARE GOING TO WATCH?
CG: CAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HORRIBLE IDEA.
TT: It is a great idea.

--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] entered memo at 19:32—

TG: OMG It is THE bets idea
TG: Jake bb thnk u for the invite. Movevienite sounds totes kickazz.
GT: Last week certainly was a great event.
TG: Im sure yuo pickedt a grate moevi
CG: FUCKING PERFECT. THEY ARE MULTIPLYING.
CG: WHO GAVE YOU THE COMPLETELY WRONG IDEA THAT I AM LETTING ANYONE ELSE PICK A MOVIE TONIGHT?

--arachnidsGrip [AG] entered memo at 19:34--

CG: LIKE FUCKING CLOCKWORK.
AG: Karkaaaaaaaat, why not let Jake have his fun?
AG: I guaranteeeeeeee he has a 8etter taste in movies than some of us I could mention.
CG: IF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT TEREZI, I AGREE. THAT MOVIE ABOUT THE BLIND LAWYER LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE AS A RED-CLAD SUPERHERO WAS GODAWFUL.
CG: IF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT ME HOWEVER I INVITE YOU TO JUMP ASS FIRST ON THE HORNS OF AN ANGRY SUBJUGGULATOR YOU MISERABLE HAG!!
GT: Oh my.
TT: Classy.
AG: Pleeeeeeeease. Karkat knows full well what we think of his taste in movies.
AG: It sucks and it sucks haaaaaaaard.
CG: JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE SUBTLE UNDERLYING THEMES AND MOTIVES OF ‘IN WHICH A TEEN FALLS IN MATESPRITSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE A RAINBOWDRINKER ETC ETC’ DOESN’T MEAN MY TASTE IN MOVIES SUCK!
TG: Ohtm, you guyz had troll tiwlight?
AG: He was watching the human version. And it was 8aaaaaaaad……..

--gallowsCalibrator [GC] joined memo at 19:40--

GC: R34LLY
GC: 4ND H3 M4K3S FUN OF MY FONDN3SS FOR TH3 BL1ND SUP3RH3RO L4WY3R
CG: YEAH, PROJECT MUCH?
TT: It would seem you have a plethora of personal conflicts to wade through.
TT: And that’s cool. We’ll just start our own stream elsewhere.
CG: STRIDER SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.
CG: WE ARE GOING TO WATCH THAT FUCKING MOVIE WHEN I SAY WE ARE GOING TO WATCH THAT FUCKING MOVIE.
GT: You mean my fucking movie?
GT: I mean, there is no intercourse present in the film itself I merely wanted to use it as adjective.
GC: P1TY
GC: YOUR HUM4N 1NT3RCOURS3 1S H1L4R1OUS
TT: I am going out on a limb here and say that you are Terezi.
GC: MY R3PUT4T1ON PROC33DS M3
GC: G4SP
GC: COULD YOU B3 TH3 OLD3R COOL3R STR1D3R?
TT: Definitely.
GC: H4H4H4H4H4 SO COOL!!!!
CG: ALRIGHT, EVERYONE HERE?
AG: Actually, I also invited Tavros and Peixes. They shoooooooould 8e here shortly.
CG: OH, WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME?
CG: HIDE HIS FOURWHEELDEVICE ON TOP OF A FLIGHT OF STAIRS?
AG: As if.

--cuttlefishCuller [CC] joined memo at 19:43--

CC: Glub glub glub
CC: I )(eard Crabcatc)( is doing a movienig)(t?!
CG: YEAH, SHOW’S OVER PEIXES. I AM COMPLETELY HIJACKED BY SERKET ACTING LIKE A REGULAR TROLL BRUTUS.
CG: SOMEHOW THESE HUMANS GOT THE BRIGHT IDEA TO PICK A MOVIE THEMSELVES.
CC: W)(ale t)(at sounds fun too!
CG: DOES IT?
CC: Y-----ES!!!!
CC: I can’t WAIT to sea w)(at t)(ey picked!
CG: AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE THAT CARES ABOUT THE FUCKING INTEGRITY OF TROLL CULTURE?!
GC: Y3S
AG: Yes.
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU INSUFFERABLE SERPENTS!
TG: Cmon crabby. Let Jakey show his majyks.
CG: I AM SO GOING TO REGRET THIS DECISION.
CG: FUTURE ME IS SOLEMNLY SHAKING HIS HEAD IN MISERABLE DISAPPOINTMENT THAT I AM GOING TO ALLOW SOME RETARDED PINK MONKEYS TO PICK THE MOVIE TONIGHT.
CC: I t)(ink you are being overly dramanateec

--adiosToreador [AT] joined memo at 19:44--

AT: uHM, hEY EVERYONE,
AG: Heeeeeeeey Pupaaaaaaaa
AT: hOW’S EVERYONE?

--terminallyCapricious [TC] joined memo at 19:44--

TC: HeY mOtHeRfUcKeRs.
TC: HoNk ThE lOuDeSt HoRnS yOu CaN fInD fOr ThIs MiRaCuLoUs JaMbOrEe…..
TC: oN yOuR mArKs…..
TC: HoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoNk!!!!!
CG: OH GOD!
CG: OH MAN!
CG: OH GOD!
GC: >:[
TG: Lawl, whaddup?
TG: You Janeys guide rite?
TC: fUcK sIs, I tHiNk I aM.
TC: KiNdA fUsSy On ThAt ShIt RiGhT nOw.
CG: I……..WHAT?!
AT: hE UHM, kINDA TOOK A NAP IN SOPOR WITH ME,
AT: hE WAS SURPRISINGLY CALM AFTER THAT,
TG: That’s totes adorbs
TC: ShIt TaVbRo YoUr GiViNg ThE rAd PiNk SiStEr ThE wRoNg IdEa
AT: eHEHEH, wELL IT WAS A GOOD NAP,
CG: I AM GOING TO VOMIT.
CG: AFTER THAT I AM GOING TO DIG MY THINKPAN OUT WITH A BALLPOINT PEN.
AG: Can’t dig out what isn’t there.
CG: ARGLEBARGLEBARGLE!
CG: THIS SHIT CAN’T BE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS FUCKING SHIT TAKING PLACE.
TC: SoMeThInG tHe MaTtEr BrO?
CG: YES SOMETHING IS THE FUCKING MATTER!!!!
TT: Can we maybe start the film now?
CG: YES.
CG: THANK YOU.
CG: LET’S DO THAT. ENGLISH START THE FUCKING FILM.
GT: Oh boy. This is going to be swell.

CG: THE LEGEND OF THE GHOST RIDER?
GC: B4S1C4LLY 4 BOUNTY HUNT3R FOR TH3 D3V1L
GC: TH4T 1S PR3TTY B4D4SS
CC: O)( t)(is looks pretty good!
CC: Just listen to t)(at narration!
TT: Typical pick English.
GT: Pardon?
TT: A movie that seems to be a full on action flick.
TT: I fully expect it will feature skulls and/or blue women at some point.
GT: Well it sure has one of those things.

CC: O)( t)(at is suc)( bulls)(ark!
TC: WhAt Up ChIcA
CC: )(ow does a contract decide w)(at souls are evil?
AT: hOW DOES A CONTRACT EVEN GIVE ONE POWER?
AT: i MEAN, iF ITS SIGNED AND EVERYTHING IT GOES IN EFFECT RIGHT?
AT: sHOULDN’T THAT MEAN THAT, aS LONG AS ITS SIGNED, tHE DEVIL GETS THE POWER OF THOSE SOULS ANYWAY? rEGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT HE HAS IT?
GC: L3G4LLY B1ND1NG CONTR4CTS Y3S
CC: T)(at isn’t even t)(e point I was going to make.
CC: But t)(ey talk aboat good and evil like it’s a black and w)(ite issue.
CC: T)(ere is no suc)( thing as pure evil or pure good.
TC: To EaCh ThEiR oWn SoUl FiShSiS
TG: Well yup. Unless dey club babby seels, taek candy from babbies or work for ea.
TT: Those are indeed unambiguously evil qualifications.
CG: I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS RIGHT?
CG: THE RIDER BASICALLY THROWS A FLASHLIGHT IN THE DEVIL’S FACE AND RUNS AWAY. AND SOMEHOW, THE SUPERMAGICAL BEING YOU HUMANS CALL DEVIL CANNOT CATCH UP WITH THE RIDER.
CG: YOU’D THINK HE’D HAVE MORE POWER THAN THE PEOPLE WORKING FOR HIM, WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT THE DEVIL REALLY DOESN’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THAT CONTRACT. AT ALL.
TG: Lawl. He’s just like; yeah whatevs. Thousand evil soles, I can do wt. I am teh devilz.
GT: Sssssh. He’s a really sinister bloke, weaving clever webs of manipulation and bribery.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK. MOOD WHIPLASH.
GT: Admittedly so. Previous scenes actually painted a old west fantasy adventure whereas the movie doesn’t dwell much on the typical western doohickeys at all.
TT: I believe you mean tropes.
GT: I prefer doohickeys.
TT: Of course you do.
GC: OH MY GOG
GC: TH3R3 1S SO MUCH COLOR H3R3!
CC: It looks like so much fun!
CC: Terezi, we DEFINNITELY N-----EED make a carnival!
GC: 1 4GR33 PR1NC3SS BUBBL3GUM
GC: K4RK4T C4N B3 TH3 GROUCHY C4RNY
GC: VR1SK4 C4N B3 TH3 CH34T1NG C4RNY
GC: M1SS COTTON C4NDY WORKS TH3 COTTON C4NDY
GC: 1 WORK TH3 PLUSH13S
CC: AND I WORK T)(E FIS)(ING GAME!
TC: AnD i CaN pAiNt ThE fUcKiNg FaCeS oF tHe KiDs InTo LiTtLE aRtPrOjEcTs
TC: ThEiR wIcKeD sMiLeS wIlL bE tHe MoSt BeAuTiFul MiRaClE oN tHe CaRnIvAl
CC: T)(at’s a GR----EAT idea Gamzee!
GC: TH4T 1S 4 HORR1BL3 1D34!
CG: THAT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA!!!!
TC: :o(

CG: WHAT KIND OF STUPID HUMAN GAME IS THIS?
CG: COME, LETS DRIVE OUR MOTORIZED VEHICLES THROUGH A RING OF FIRE. AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKE THIS GARBAGE?
AG: Of coooooooourse they do. It looks spectacular, so people like it.
CG: WELL PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID.
AG: Why do you hate fun Karkat????????
CG: I DON’T HATE FUN.
CG: I CAN HAVE FUN. SHUT UP.
TT: I am insulted Karkat.
TT: Your mockery of this proud human tradition will not go unanswered.
CG: WHAT!?
TT: I challenge you to a human duel. Grab your pencil.
CG: MY…. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT?
TT: I challenge you for the honor of my race. Draw your smut and may the best artist win.
GC: H4H4H4H4 Y3S 1 4PPROV3 OF TH1S DU4L
GC: 1 SH4LL B3 TH3 JUDG3 >:]
CG: GODDAMNIT. I FINALLY GOT RID OF ONE STRIDER AND NOW THE OTHER IS TRYING TO BULLSHIT ME INTO DRAWING PORN WITH HIM.
TT: Try drawing the two that entered the stream last together in a moment of passion.
AT: uHM,,, i OBJECT?
CG: YOU MEAN GAMZEE AND TAVROS. I THOUGHT YOU HUMANS HAD AN AVERSION TO THAT. HOW IS THAT NOT HUMAN HOMOSEXUAL?
TT: Oh it is.
CG: STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD!!!!
CC: So )(e is t)(e g)(ost rider?
GT: Well….. Not yet obviously.
CC: I don’t understand w)(y )(e )(as to make a deal wit)( t)(e devil……
GC: B3C4US3 W3 JUST M3T H1M?
CC: Somefin really bad must )(appen

TC: ShIt BrO, tHaT iS sO dEeP.
TC: lIkE, aLrIgHt. EvErY cHoIcE yOu MaKe HaS a CoNsEqUeNcE.
TC: BuT iF yOu Do ThInGs WiThOuT tHiNkInG yOu DoNt MaKe ThE cHoIcE bUt ThE cHoIcE mAkEs YoU.
TG: So what hes sayin is liek: wit great pwr cums graet repsonsiblty
TG: *responsibibility
TG: *responsibility
TC: ExAcTlY cHiCa
CG: THAT IS A STUPID FUCKING QUOTE.
TG: Don’t be hatin uncel Ben
CG: I DON’T KNOW THIS HUMAN UNCEL BEN, BUT YOUR QUOTE WASN’T BAD. IT’S THE QUOTE THAT FATHER MAKES THAT JUST PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF.
CG: I REALLY HOPE IT ISN’T GOING TO BE A THEME IN THE MOVIE.
GC: TH31R R3L4T1ON S33MS 4 B1T COMPL1C4T3D
AT: wELL YEAH,
AT: hE’S AT THE AGE WHERE YOU WANT TO REBEL AGAINST YOUR LUSUS
AT: bECAUSE UHM, tHEY JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND

CG: HUH……..
GT: Something the matter?
CG: NO I AM JUST….. SURPRISED I GUESS.
CG: I MEAN, WE KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THEIR RELATION AND BECAUSE ITS THIS EARLY IN THE MOVIE THERE IS NO WAY IT IS GOING TO END WELL BETWEEN THEM.
CG: BUT THE WAY THIS SCENE IS FRAMED IS ACTUALLY….. QUITE NICE.
GC: W4UW W4Y TO SPO1L TH4T K4RK4T
CG: OK, I DON’T CONSIDER THAT A FUCKING SPOILER. THIS ISN’T GOING TO BE A MOVIE ABOUT HOW THEY ARE HAPPY NOW AND HOW THEY ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY FOREVER AFTER. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PULL OFF WHEN YOU INTRODUCE THE MOTHERFUCKING DEVIL TO THE PLOT.
CG: AND IF THEY DID PULL IT OFF I WOULD FEEL INCREDIBLY CHEATED OUT OF A POSSIBLY DECENT MOVIE.
GC: TH4TS F41R
GC: 4ND TH3 SHOT R34LLY T4STES K1ND OF N1C3 1 GU3SS
CG: THANK YOU!
GT: I am glad you enjoy it, but really I consider this the dull part of the movie.
GT: Just give it a moment.
CC: BUT T)(EY MAKE A PROMISE TO RUN AWAY TOGET)(ER AND T)(ATS SO ROMANTIC!
AG: They just can’t have nice things.
TG: OH EM GEE.
TG: I am teh luv intrest. Its’a me.
GT: I admit, I completely forgot her name was Roxy.
TG: Shoooooosh, it’s ok jak bb. You sea me as natural lurve interest ;)
GT: I uhm…. *loosens collar a bit.*
GC: 444W TH1S 1S CUT3

AG: 8oring, 8oring, 8oring.
AG: For a movie that proooooooomises devils, evil souls and a hellish 8ounty hunter we have very little of any of those things!!!!!!!!
GT: Well, you need to understand where the bounty hunter comes from don’t you?
AG: Not really........
AG: Here is a dude. He makes a deal with the devil. The devil tells him to go after target.
AG: 8oom! Intro over, done in five minutes.
CG: AS DIRECTED BY VRISKA SERKET. 1% ON ROTTEN RED FRUITS.
GC: TO B3 F41R W3 ONLY H4D L1TTL3 OV3R F1V3 M1NUT3S OF MOV13
AT: uiHM, wHAT IS A CANCER?
TG: Oh nooooo. So thas why the pops is lookign so sickely
TT: Considering how much we see him smoke, unsurprising.
AT: sO WHAT IS IT?
GT: Errrr…… I don’t know.
TT: A often fatally illness wherein a corrupted cell duplicates itself in a hazardous manner.
AT: tHAT, UHM, dOESN’T REALLY EXPLAIN IT,
TT: It is an apt description limited only by your understanding of the concept.
AT: sO UHM, eXPLAIN IT?
TT: I just did.
AT: oH,

TT: Subtle.
GT: I love how he is just amused at the cartoon. Even going so far as to call it ‘far out’.
TG: Becas that’s the hip and hapepning slang the youths use.
GC: DO3S H3 BR34K TH3 L1GHTS WH3R3V3R H3 GO3S?
GC: DO3S H3 CONTROL 1T?
GC: HOW DO3S H3 GO DOWN 1N TH3 C3LL4R TO LOOK FOR 4NYTH1NG 1F H3 K33PS BR34K1NG TH3 L1GHTS?
AG: I liiiiiiiike to think the devil has a few servants for that.
GC: BLUH
GC: TH4T M4K3S S3NS3 >:[
AG: And that pisses you ooooooooff????????
GC: 1T M4K3S 1T 4 LOT L3SS FUNNY

AT: aND UHM, yOU WOULDN’T CALL THIS EVIL fEFERI?
CC: No, not neseacarily.
AT: bUT HE IS UHM, oBVIOUSLY PLAYING jOHNNY AND ATTACKING HIS MENTAL WEAKNESSES,
CC: Yes, BUT he offers )(im a way to save )(is fat)(er.
CC: Even if )(e takes Jo)(nny’s soul, )(e isn’t the villain )(ere. You can argue t)(e fat)(er’s illness is t)(e villain rig)(t now.
CC: )(e gives Jo)(nny a c)(ance to save )(is fat)(er and is up front about owning )(is soul if )(e c)(ooses to accept )(is help.
AT: yES, bUT HE DOES IT SO OBVIOUSLY TO FURTHER HIS OWN AGENDA,
CC: )(e could also c)(oose to NOT give Jo)(nny t)(e option. Would t)(at be betta?
AT: nO BUT, lIKE, cAN’T HE HELP jOHNNY WITHOUT TAKING HIS SOUL?
CC: W)(ale maybe )(is magic needs a soul to work?
AT: tHIS IS AWFULLY CONFUSING,
AT: mAYBE YOU HAVE A POINT, bUT IT FEELS KIND OF WRONG,,,,
AT: jOHNNY IS OBVIOUSLY MAKING A MISTAKE IF HE ACCEPTS IT,

CG: KID YOUR FATHERLUSUS IS GOING TO DIE ONE DAY ANYWAY. MAYBE THROUGH HUMAN CANCER, MAYBE THROUGH A STUNT ACCIDENT, MAYBE THROUGH OLD AGE.
CG: MIGHT AS WELL LEARN TO DEAL WITH GRIEF NOW RATHER THAN TEN YEARS FROM NOW AND HAVE THE DEVIL OWN YOUR SOUL.
CG: LESSER OF TWO FUCKING EVILS IS WHAT I AM SAYING.
GT: Well, he really wants to save his father.
CC: R—EELLY? Cause t)(at’s not )(ow I sea it.
GT: What?
CC: T)(ink aboat it. Roxy is leaving tomorrow. )(e wants to leave town wit)( )(is gillfrond, but now )(e knows )(is fat)(erlusus is dying )(e can’t.
CC: Not wit)(out eeling INCR—EDIBUBBLY gillty anywaves.
CG: HOLY SHIT.
CC: So )(e saves )(is dad and now )(e can leave wit)(out t)(e gillt. Living )(appily wit)( )(is gillfrond until t)(e devil wants his soul.
AG: Whoa, so the kid seeeeeeeelflessly sells his soul only so he can selfishly leave the next day?
CC: I t)(ink so anywave.
CG: THAT IS SORTA ROMANTIC ÁND STUPID.
GC: SO IT IS R1GHT UP YOUR 4LL3Y.
GC: OH 1TS 4 D3L1C1OUS C4NDYR3D BLOODCONTR4CT TOO
GC: TH3 B3ST K1ND OF CONTR4CT
TT: Dave didn’t warn me for half of this insanity.
GC: D4V3 DO3SNT W4RN YOU 4BOUT 4 LOT OF TH1NGS
TT: A habit he should swiftly rectify.

TT: Look kid, I am all better now. Thanks Satan.
TT: Seriously. How did they find out that he's all better now within what appears to be a twelf hour span?
AG: Ghost rider every8ody; hellish 8ountyhunters, dark contracts, family drama and a whoooooooole lot of 8ORING!
GC: OH STOP B31NG SO DR4M4T1C
GC: 1T 1SN’T TH4T B4D
AT: iSN’T THIS UHM, kIND OF TOUCHING?
AT: tHE SON EXPLAINS WHAT HE INTENDS TO DO, aND THE FATHER IS LIKE; yOU’RE A MAN NOW,
AT: TtAKE THE SPECIAL BIKE,
GT: Indeed my brown-lettered friend.
GT: A beautiful coming of age moment for the young Johnny Blaze.
CG: YES, EXCEPT IT’S ROCK STUPID. THE FATHER FLAT-OUT ADMITS THAT HE EXPECTS HIS SON TO BE CAUGHT BY THE AUTHORITIES. BASICALLY HE TELLS HIM TO GO GET ARRESTED.
CG: ARENT LUSII SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOU FROM YOUR OWN STUPIDITY?
GC: SOM3 N33D TH4T MOR3 TH4N OTH3RS
CC: )(i)(i

TG: Oh that sonuvabiatch!
AT: nOW DO YOU THINK HE’S EVIL fEFERI?
CC: O)( t)(at was downrig)(t cruel!
CC: And )(e just stands t)(ere and watc)(es )(im burn!
CG: HONESTLY, IF YOU DRIVE TROUGH BURNING HOOPS FOR A LIVING YOU KIND OF DESERVE IT.
CC: KARKAT!
CG: THEY ARE THE TOP OF THEIR EVOLUTIONARY LINE ON THEIR FUCKING PLANET!
CG: THEY DIDN’T CRAWL OUT OF THE PRIMORDIAL SLUDGE AND CLIMBED THAT FUCKING LADDER TO WILLINGLY RISK THEIR LIVES JUMPING THROUGH FIRE FOR A CHEAP THRILL!
TC: ShIt MaN, mAyBe He WaS jUsT lIkE iN tHe NeIgHbOrHoOd AnD wAnTeD tO cHeCk OuT tHe ShOw
TT: Wouldn’t that be a twist. The devil was innocent all along.
TC: ThAt SoUnDs WiCkEd
GT: Truly, if you do not believe this Mephistopheles to be evil now the next scene will seal the proverbial deal.

CG: THERE IT IS AGAIN.
GC: WH4T 1S?
CG: THE WAY THIS SHOT IS FRAMED.
GC: 4G41N W1TH TH3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT SH1T NO ON3 C4R3S 4BOUT
CG: I’M SERIOUS, LOOK AT THIS SHIT! IN SOME SCENES THIS STUFF COULD BE A PAINTING!
TT: Or a comic.
CG: AND THE TRAGEDY OF IT IS THAT ITS IN GHOST RIDER, OF ALL FUCKING THINGS.
TG: lawl
TG: i guesses it looks cool. I am moar intrested in this mefisisoles…
TG: *mephifistoles
TG: *milfhunter
TG: DANMIT AUTOCRCT!
TT: *Mephistopheles
TG: Thank u strudel.
TG: That guy is soch a smooth operator
CC: BUT )(E’S SO CRU----EL!
GT: Women like the bad boys I guess.
AG: Yeeeeeeees. Which is why I loooooooove Cameron Poe, 8ut am kind of 8ored with this Johnny PERSON.
CG: YES BUT THAT GUY HAD THE POOR LUCK OF BEING PLAYED BY HUMAN MUPPET NICHOLAS CAGE.
GT: Ehehehehe *loosens collar a bit*
CG: I AM NOT FUCKING ROLEPLAYING WITH YOU.
GC: 1 W1LL!
GT: Eh….. Maybe not?
GC: HRMMM
GT: Quite frankly, you frighten me.
GC: OH
GC: TH4TS GOOD >:]
GT: Err……….

GC: 4ND OF COURS3 1T 1S R41N1NG
TT: How else are we feeble humans supposed to figure out this is a sad scene?
GC: YOU S33M 4 LOT L3SS FUNNY TH4N D4V3
TT: Screw that. I am hilarious.
GC: JUST 4 LOT MOR3 S4RC4ST1C
GC: 1T 1SNT UNPL34S4NT BUT 1T T4ST3S R34LLY SOUR
TT: Clearly I am not trying hard enough.
GC: >:[
CC: But…. But )(e’s leaving Roxy behind
CC: T)(ats so sad!
GT: Ah, but this is the superhero dilemma. Will your loved ones be endangered by your actions?
GT: It is safer for Roxy to stay away from all this devilish malarkey.
CC: W)(AL---E )(E S)(OALD AT LEAST TALK TO )(ER!
GT: Uhm….. Yeah, that sounds fair.
CC: Would it krill )(im to walk over to )(er and say: “I can’t leave because my lusus just died.”
CC: IT’S A GOOD REASON TO STAY SO S)(E WOULDN’T BE MAD AND PER)(APS EVEN PERSUADE )(ER LUSUS TO STAY.
CC: Not to trenchion it is t)(e polite t)(ing to do and you owe it to your matesprit.
CG: YOU ARE TRYING TO TALK SENSE IN A HUMAN ACTION FLICK.

CG: MORE EVOLUTION DEFYING STUNTS FROM THE BLAZE KID.
GT: After a timeskip.
CG: YES, AFTER A TIMESKIP. WHATEVER.
CG: YOU HUMANS SHOULD HAVE RETARDED YOURSELF EXTINCT IF THINGS LIKE THIS ARE A POPULAR PAST TIME.
TC: BuT mAn DoEs It LoOk BeAuTiFuL.
TC: LiKe, ThE cOlOrs, ThE sOuNdS, tHe WhOlE sTaDiUm ChEeRiNg FoR hIm.
TC: AnD mAn, HoW dId ThOsE fIrEwOrKs KnOw WhEn To PoP uP lIkE a FiErY mIrAcLe.
TT: Fireworks are not exactly rocket science.
TT: In fact, it is childishly simple.
TC: NaH mAn. I dOnT wAnNa KnOw.
TC: TaKeS aWaY aLl ThE bEaUtY fRoM iT.
TT: Suit yourself.
GC: (YOU 4R3 S331NG TH1S R1GHT?)
CG: (I DO, BUT I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.)
CG: (IS THIS A FUCKING TRICK? IS HE GOING TO DANCE WITH FEFERI’S HEAD AGAIN?)
GC: (ST4Y V1G1L4NT)
CG: (NO NEED TO TELL ME TWICE.)
TC: WhAt ArE yOu GuYs Up AnD wHiSpErInG aBoUt?
CG: NOTHING.
GC: NOTH1NG
AG: Pro8a8ly more 8ickering. I swear you guys need an auspistice 8aaaaaaaad.
CG: WE WERE NOT BICKERING!
GC: W3 W3R3 NOT B1CK3R1NG!
AG: Tavros, do you think you could auspistice for these two?
AT: i UHM, wOULD REALLY, bUT kARKAT WOULD YELL AT ME,
AT: a LOT,
CG: INDEED I FUCKING WOULD. NOW SIT YOUR MATCHMAKING ASS DOWN AND WATCH THIS PATHETIC MOVIE.

CG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
CG: THE FUCKER GREW UP TO BECOME NICHOLAS CAGE.
CG: FUCK THIS MOVIE! FUCK IT RIGHT UP ITS NOSTRILS UNTIL MY HATEJIZZ POURS OUT OF ITS EARS!
TT: Gross dude.
GC: M4YB3 1T 1S JUST 4 CL3V3R N1CHOL4S C4G3 M4SK
AG: YES! This movie just 8ecame 8 times more awesome!!!!!!!!
GT: Had I known you had an aversion towards this particular actor I would have been more careful with my pick.
CG: HOW WAS I NOT CLEAR LAST TIME?!
AG: It kiiiiiiiinda 8lends together when you h8 EVERYTHING.

TG: lmao, movie is teh suttle.
TG: also howlurmonkeys are frigkin hilaruos.
TT: Exposition through television.
TT: So in summation; Johnny has used his deal with the devil to become the greatest stuntman alive for realsies.
TT: I would hate to reuse my ‘thanks Satan’ joke but without the devil he’d be doomed to mediocrity.
GT: Poppycock. Surely Mr Blaze is a man of action. He would have gotten to this point regardless.
CC: W)(ale maybe it’s not t)(e devil?
CC: Maybe )(e does t)(ose stunts )(imself.
AT: mAYBE, BUT UHM, sINCE THE DEVIL NEEDS HIM ALIVE HE BASICALLY HAS A SAFETY NET,
AT: i DON’T THINK THAT OTHER DRIVERS ARE AS LUCKY.
TG: Y try defending teh devil anyways?
TG: Itsch the devil. Bein unambigusly evil is th point.
CC: I just find it weird w)(enever somefin or someone is portrayed as completely evil.
CC: Even my ancestor wouldn’t call )(ers)(ellf evil and s)(e was a HORRIBUBBL-E perchon.
TG: reelly? Who dat?
CC: YOU MADE A FIS)(PUN!
TG: I did?
CC: You could )(ave said really, but you said R----EELLY!
CC: Fis)(puns are simply t)(e B-----EST puns!!!!
TG: kikass.

GC: SO TH3 4NT4GON1ST
GC: NOT 3X4CTLY WH4T 1 3XP3CT3D FROM 4 H3LLSP4WN
GC: K1ND4 LOOKS L1K3 4 BR4T TO M3
AG: Of coooooooourse YOU miss the subtle changes whenever he gets pissed off.
AG: In a few quick shots his face turns aaaaaaaall demonic and scary looking.
CG: YES, BUT IT FLIES BY SO FAST IT’S LIKE THEY ARE EMBARRASSED TO SHOW IT.
TC: ShIt MoThErFuCkEr Up AnD mUrDeRs ThAt WhOlE club.
TC: HeHeHeHeHe, ClUb.
TC: AnYwAy, SeRiOuSlY uNcOoL.
CG: JUST KNOCK IT OFF GAMZEE.
TC: :o(
GC: H3 DO3S TURN 4N 3NT1R3 B4R 1NTO HUSK-L1K3 BLU3 POPS1CL3S
GC: SM3LLS L1K3 DUST SP1D3RW3BS 4ND ON3 OF THOS3 R34LLY N4STY TOMB FL4RP1NG S3TT1NGS 4R4D14 US3D TO P1CK.
AT: aND HE GETS A FEW ELEMENTAL CRONIES,
AT: sO HE HAS THAT GOING FOR HIM, wHICH IS NICE,
TG: Iz it just the buzz or is teh audio in this sene glitchy as fuck.
TT: They probably do it to give the demons an otherworldly sound.
TG: Well itsh very annoyin. Hope they don’t conintue it.

CG: AAAH, SO IT’S A MOIRAILLEGIANCE BETWEEN THESE TWO.
CG: SORTA.
CG: FOR AS FAR AS YOU ASSHOLES DO MOIRAILLEGIANCE.
TG: i resent taht!
TG: we have the bestest morallegncae
TT: *Moiraillegiance
TG: thanks.
CG: OH BULLSHIT. YOU HUMANS WOULDN’T KNOW A SHOOSH FROM A PAP IF YOU WERE SURROUNDED BY PALE CONCUBINES ON A PILE MADE OF ROMCOMS.
GC: PROJ3CT MUCH?
TT: Clearly you have never seen me interact with the lovely mrs Lalonde.
TG: omfg dirk don’t call me taht.
TT: Our pale shenanigans clear entire rooms as no one wants to be with a couple that so blatantly discusses their feelings.
TG: Diiiiiiirk.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3 1 4PPROV3
TT: Oh yes. Sometimes we even like to do it right in the open.
AT: i UHM, cANT BELIEVE i AM READING THIS,
TT: Sometimes she needs to have a good cry. Sometimes my pokerface cracks just a little.
TG: Omgwtf dirk you are embassassing me.
CG: I AM GOING TO BE SICK.
TT: So we just hold hands or hug it out….. In the common rooms, on the street, in the kitchen. Last time we did it in Dave’s bedroom.
GC: WO4H
GC: TH4T 1S H4RDCOR3 >:]
TT: We invited him to watch.
CG: HNRK……..UUUGHH………
CG: JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH A LITTLE.
CC: IT IS SO CUT-----E!
CG: IT IS FUCKING DEVIANT IS WHAT IT IS!!!!

TG: NOP. Tey still sound like they are undrwater.
AT: yEAH, IT’S A LITTLE ANNOYING,
CC: So t)(is guy called Black)(eart is Satan’s son?
TT: Really, that’s just funny. It sounds like a name that sounded really cool to a fourteen year old goth kid.
GT: What’s wrong with the name?
GT: I think it sounds rather menacing.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES *THE FUCKMOTHERING DEVIL* DO WITH A KID.
TC: WeLl BrO. wHeN a MoMmA aNd A pApPa LoVe EaCh OtHeR rEaLlY mUcH mIrAcLeS hApPeN.
CG: WHO THE FUCK LOVES THE DEVIL?
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD THE DEVIL EVEN WANT AN HEIR?
TT: How do fallen angels even breed?
CG: NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO SPENT TOO MANY BRAINCELLS ON.
GC: 1 WOULD
GC: 1 4M JUST CUR1OUS WHO TH3 MOTH3R 1S

AG: Oh goodie…. Look who’s 8ack.
TG: Aaaw yiss. It’s roxxy biatch. Rockin the reporter schtick.
TT: A superhero with a love interest that happens to be a reporter?
TT: What are the odds.
CG: CAN HE BE ANY MORE AWKWARD?
AG: Oh shoosh. It’s charming.
CG: HE COMPLETELY IGNORES EVERY FUCKING QUESTION SHE ASKS HIM.
GT: Well how would you react if your old flame suddenly enters your life again?
GC: Y34H K4RK4T
GC: HOW WOULD YOU R34CT
CG: STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE A FUCKING PREDATOR!
AT: sERIOUSLY MR bLAZE, jUST ONE STRAIGHT ANSWER WOULD BE APRECIATED,
AT: rESPECT rOXY’S PROFESSIONALISM AND STOP DODGING QUESTIONS,

CG: MORE GODDAMN EXTREME STUNTS. THIS MOVIE CAN BITE ME.
GT: But is this not incredibly daring?
GT: One man, defying gravity as he jumps over these whirling metal blades of death?
CG: IT’S FUCKING STUPID!
AT: nOW UHM, i CAN UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE ‘wANTING TO DEFY GRAVITY’ PART,
AT: i UHM, rEALLY DO,
AT: bUT WHAT PURPOSE DO THE WHIRLING METAL DEATHBLADES SERVE?
GT: The thrill.
AT: tHAT’S KINDA STUPID,
CG: THERE, EVEN FUCKING TAVROS SAYS IT.
CC: BUT IT LOOKS SO EXCITING!

CG: DOUCHEBAG TRYING TO IMPRESS GIRL WITH MOTORBIKE SHENANIGANS. NEXT!
AG: Oh come oooooooon. This is some grade-a driving!
AG: And just look at that winning smile……..

TT: And he’s a dick to the traffic behind him.
GT: But he literally threw himself in front of their car to ask her for a date.
GT: Is that not highly romantic?
AG: Of course it is!!!!!!!!
CG: OF COURSE IT FUCKING ISN’T!
AG: Siiiiiiiigh. 8ut ow we’ll get the whole movie the ‘will they won’t they’ thing.
AG: I can’t waaaaaaaait for them to realize they love each other in the final scene.

AG: Or….. you know, do it now.
CG: ON THE HIGHWAY.
CC: Aaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww
CC: T)(ATS SOOOO CUT------E!!!!
TG: Shit is bannaang.
TG: Bit embassading but it looks like a lotta fun to smooch liek dat.
GC: 1 4GR33
CG: WE ARE NOT DOING THAT.
CG: WHEN I TELL PEOPLE TO GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAVE IN MIND!
GC: L4M3
TC: ShIt So ThE lOvEbIrDs GeT tO gO oN a DaTe.
TC: ThAt Is WiCkEd CuTe. BlAzEbRo ReAlLy SeEmS tO nEeD tHaT mAgIcAl PoSiTiVe InFlUeNcE iN hIs LiFe.
CG: ALRIGHT GAMZEE. KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!
TC: WhAtS wRoNg KaRbRo. YoU kEeP yElLiNg.
CG: YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL CUT THE CRAP!
TC: FoOlInG yOu?
TC: DiD i PuLl A pRaNk Or SoMeThInG? i DoNt EvEn FuCkInG rEmEmBeR.
TC: So SoRrY bRo.
CG: ARE YOU FOR REAL!?
CG: TAVROS, DID HE KNOCK HIS HEAD CLIMBING OUT OF THE RECUPERACOON?
AT: nOT THAT i KNOW?
CG: FUCK.
GC: 1 TH1NK H3’S T3LL1NG TH3 TRUTH >:/
GC: W31RD 4S 1T 1S
CC: Is somefin wrong?
CC: You guys seem awfully concherned.
GC: NOTH1NG
CG: NOTHING.

TT: Is it just me or does Nicholas Cage’s very face look odd?
TT: As in more so than usual.
GT: Something tells me shenanigans are awry.
GT: Mr Blaze might have to cancel his diner plans.
TG: And leafing roxxy by her lonesum agaen.
AT: dO HUMANS OFTEN HAVE STEAM COMING FROM THEIR HANDS?
TT: Only during full moons.
TT: We then perform our cleansing rites in the mountain springs where the gurus assist us in remaining pure of body and spirit.
AT: tHAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS KIND OF NICE,
AT: uHM, sTEAMING HANDS NOT WITHSTANDING,

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO TELL ME THAT NOBODY IS NOTICING THIS TRAIL OF DESTRUCTION?
CG: CARS ARE BEING FLUNG INTO BUILDINGS, THE GROUND IS TORN ASUNDER UNDER HIS WHEELS, TREES BURST INTO FLAMES BECAUSE OF HIS PRESSENCE AND HE LEAVES A TRAIL OF FUCK-YOU FIRE.
CG: AND NOBODY WANTS TO CHECK THIS SHIT OUT?
TG: Whale its nighttime. We get sneepy.
CC: O)( MY GLUB YOU SAID W)(ALE!
CC: GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB!!!!
TG: Le gasp!
TG: Nao I no why you are so familjar.
TG: Were you at?
TG: I NEED to huggle you rite now!
CC: 38P
TG: Sweet precious kind lovely precious Fefeta <3<3<3<3<3
CC: It’s Feferi acshelly.
CC: Sad fin is, I don’t remember much from being a sprite…….
TG: Well you sploded……
GT: Uhm…. Guys?
TG: I am busy nao Jake bb.
CG: WE ARE WATCHING A FUCKING MOVIE HERE. FOCUS.
CC: Glub. SH----ELLA RUD----E!

GC: OH GOD 1TS TH3 C4G3F4C3

TG: ring ring
TG: rolal speeking
TG: ohai it’s the ps2. I woold like mah graphiks back pls.
GT: Which is strange, because the transformation actually looked rather swell.
TT: Of course it’s a skull.
TT: It is always skulls.
TT: Why would it be anything but a skull.
GT: Something the matter old chum?
TT: No. Why would there be?
CG: IS ANYONE GOING TO POINT OUT THAT THIS IS INCREDIBLY IMPRACTICAL?
CG: HOW CAN HE HOLD SHIT OR MOVE IF HE DOESN’T HAVE MUSCLES?
TG: Majyks.
CG: YES, BUT HE IS A WHOLE LOT MORE FRAGILE THAN BEFORE. IF HE GETS HIT IT DOESN’T GET HAVE TO PENETRATE SKIN FIRST BUT GOES STRAIGHT TO THE BONE.
TC: MiRaCles.
CG: AND HOW PRACTICAL CAN IT BE TO ALWAYS BE ON FIRE? WHAT PURPOSE DOES IT SOLVE? WHAT FUEL DOES IT USE?
AT: fAIRYDUST?
CG: AAAAAARGH!!!
CC: I actually kind of like the design!
CC: Even it looks a little seally because of the cg.
GC: HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO NOT1C3 CG?
GC: H3 T4ST3S LOV3LY
GC: L1COR1C3 W1TH NOUG4T 4ND W4RMTH
CG: SO YEAH.FIFTY MINUTES IN AND WE FINALLY HAVE THE TITULAR GHOSTRIDER. BE VERY FUCKING DISAPPOINTED.

AG: Ok, much as I loooooooove Nicholas Cage. How was this a fightscene?
TC: WeLl He SwUnG hIs ChAiN aRoUnD aNd UsEd SoMe MoThErFuCkInG hElL mAgIcS.
AG: 8ut it was over in an instant.
AG: The 8ad guys could take him four-to-one with three elementals and the son of the fucking devil!!!!!!!!
AG: and for some reason he is impervious to trucks 8eing thrown into his face!!!!!!!!
AG: Yeah he’s a 8ad-ass 8ut this was just silly.
GT: Hmmm I agree, perhaps the other elementals could have assisted their comrade.
GT: Or perhaps they abide by the rules of fisticuffs. One does not simply interfere in a gentleman’s duel.
AG: Laaaaaaaame.

TT: Apparently the Ghost Rider can transform whatever vehicle he rides into an hellish version of it.
TT: So if Nicholas Cage is not commandeering a hellish tank by the end of the movie I will be incredibly disappointed.
AG: Screw that. What a8out a 8attleship?
GT: Or a train.
TT: It also extends to objects, to create weapons and such. Just think of the possibilities.
GT: Hellish pistols?
AG: hell dice?
GC: 4 H3LL FLYSW4TT3R >:]
TC: ShIt ChIcA tHaT wOuLd Be AmAzInG
CG: SO HOW MUCH ARE WE BETTING HE STICKS TO A BUNCH OF CHAINS?

AT: uHM, iSN’T IT NORMAL FOR THE HERO TO FIRST STOP A SMALL TIME MUGGER AND THEN STOP A LARGER PART OF WHATEVER EVIL IS AFOOT?
GT: Well yeah. They do so in Spiderman, Blade and various other action flicks.
AT: sO AFTER KILLING SOMEONE WHO IS IMPLIED TO BE AN EARTH ELEMENTAL, HE JUST GOES TO STOP RANDOM THUGS??
AT: tHAT IS A SIGNIFICANT STEP DOWN,
GC: NOT ONLY TH4T
GC: TH3 3V1L 34RTH 3L3M3NT4L GOT 1NC1N3R4T3D 4ND SM4SH3D WH1L3 TH1S POOR HUM4N H4S TO L1V3 TROUGH 4LL TH3 P41N H3 H4S C4US3D OTH3RS 1N 4 W4Y TH4T S33MS TO T34R H1S V3RY SOUL 4P4RT
GT: Well, it’s a good way to properly judge those mooks.
GT: If they never caused too many grievances they will probably come out alright.
GC: 1M JUST S4Y1NG H3 SHOULD PROBABLT S4V3 TH3 B1G GUNS FOR FO3S TH4T 4CTU4LLY POS3 4 THR34T
TG: Ya don’t use your bfg agaynst randum mooks.

CG: IT’S THE GUY FROM THE OPENING.
TC: HuH?
CG: I KNOW THEY ARE PLAYING THIS UP TO BE A BIG SHOCK, BUT IT’S THE FUCKING GUY FROM THE OPENING.
CG: HIS VOICE IS FUCKING RECOGNIZABLE, YOU HAVE TO BE A FUCKING IDIOT NOT TO NOTICE.
GC: 4 VO1C3 L1K3 S1LKY CHOCOL4T3
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. BUT THIS IS THE GHOST RIDER THAT TOOK THE MCGUFFIN CONTRACT.
CG: ANYONE WHO WAS EVEN REMOTELY AWAKE DURING THE OPENING CAN TELL IT’S THE SAME FUCKING GUY.
TC: ShIt BrO i DiDn’T eVeN fUcKiNg NoTiCe AnD i WaS aWaKe.
TC: I tHiNk…..
TC: WaS I?
TG: lmao, u were mr guide.
TC: HaHaHaHa, WaS i A gOoD gUiDe ShOwInG yOu FeLlA’s AlL tHe BeAuTiFuLl MiRaClEs Of ThIs WoRlD?
TT: You threw a bunch of corpses into kernelsprites.
AG: W8.
AG: I DON’T W8NT TO R8MEM8ER TH8S!!!!!!!!
AT: uHM, mE NEITHER, tHIS IS ALL SOUNDING VERY FAMILIAR AND UNCOMFORTABLE AND i DON’T LIKE IT,
TC: ShIt MaN. mUsT hAvE tRiPpEd Or SoMeThInG cArRyInG tHoSe ThInGs
TG: Its aaaaall good.
TG: You gave me sweet innocent, sweet precious lovely fefetasprite <3

GT: Hey look. Roxy is still in this movie.
GT: She was incredibly pissed Johnny didn’t show up for their date…. On account of being a burning skeleton at the time.
AG: Some people just whiiiiiiiine a8out every little thing.
GC: 1 DON’T G3T 1T
GC: TH3 3NT1R3 CH4OS C4US3D BY TH3 GHOST R1D3R R1D1NG DOWNTOWN TH3 M4SS4CR3 1N TH3 B1K3R B4R 4ND TH3 N3WS CHOOS3S TO FOCUS ON TH1S ON3 MURD3R?
GC: D1D 4LL TH4T OTH3R STUFF S1MPLY NOT H4PP3N?
GC: HUM4N M3D14 1S STUP1D >:/

CG: AGAIN WITH THE BEAUTIFULLY FRAMED SHOTS.
CG: STOP BEING IN GHOST RIDER! YOU BELONG IN A MUCH BETTER MOVIE DAMNIT!
CC: T)(is is aks)(elly pretty well acted.
CC: T)(e way Nic)(olas Cage portrays suc)( a conflicted c)(aracter.
TT: Yeah, he is uncharacteristically subdued in this role.
AG: He also looks tooooooootally hot in that leather <3
TT: He’s too old for my tastes.
AG: It just makes him more expeeeeeeeerienced ;;;;)
TT: Suit yourself.
AT: i UHM, dID NOT WANT TO READ THAT,
GC: R34LLY MOV13?
GC: N1CHOL4S C4G3 H4S NO QU3ST1ONS 4BOUT TH1S OLD M4N 4ND WHY H3 KNOWS SO MUCH?
GC: W3 4R3 JUST GO1NG TO SK1MP OV3R TH4T?
GC: NOT GO1NG TO 4SK HOW H3 KNOWS YOU M4D3 4 D34L OR HOW MUCH H3 KNOWS 4BOUT L4ST NIGHT?
CG: NOP. LETS WAIT LIKE FUCKING IDIOTS FOR THAT TO BE RESOLVED NEAR THE ENDING.

CG: OH GOOD. I AM GLAD WE’RE AT LEAST ACKNOWLEDGING HE CAUSED SOME SERIOUS TERROR DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD LAST NIGHT.
CG: I MEAN, IT LOOKS LIKE A DIFFERENT STREET ALTOGETHER, BUT I AM GLAD WE GET SOME FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND AREN’T SUPPOSED TO SHRUG IT OFF LIKE AN UNTIMELY FART.

TT: Awkward teenage goth who witnessed Ghost Rider murder a guy.
TT: I am so glad this scene is in the movie.
GT: To be fair, the world at large doesn’t know about the guy’s existence.
GT: We need to see how people react on having a hellish skeleton walking among them.
TT: Do we?
CC: But no one bereefes her so what is the glubbing point?
GC: TO SHOW US 4 4WKW4RDLY FUNNY SC3N3
GC: WH1CH 1S ONLY 4WKW4RD 1N TH4T 1T F41LS TO B3 FUNNY >:[
TC: wElL i ThInK iTs KiNdA fUnNy?

CG: AND SHE IS RIGHTFULLY PISSED.
CG: BECAUSE HE’S AN ASSHOLE.
AG: Woah, I disagree.
AG: She is waaaaaaaay too harsh on him.
AG: Calling him just a phase and saying she is GLAD she got dumped 8ecause he’s an asshole.
AG: That is tooooooootally uncalled for!
AT: a BIT YEAH,
CC: It doesn’t pain a good picture of eit)(er of t)(em reelly…..

AG: !!!!!!!!
CC: O)( MY!!!!!
CC: T)(AT IS R------EELLY SOM----EFIN EELSE!!!!!!
GC: H3H3H3 H3 T4ST3S FUNNY
AG: I saw him first!
AG: Oh everyone was making fun of me when I claimed con air was the 8EST MOVIE EVER!
AG: Now look at you!
CC: I CAN CLAM )(IM BY ROYAL DECR----E----E!
TG: bow chicka powpow
TT: *bow wow
TG: thanks!
TT: Is that even Nic Cage?
TT: Not a stunt body? Or cgi?
TG: i think we wel establisjed the cgi isn’t this good.

TT: Convenient research that adds nothing to the plot continues.
GT: That is not true.
TT: Oh?
GT: It is here that he learns that the spirit of the ghost rider is a fire elemental.
GT: Like those mooks are earth, water and wind elementals.
GT: And by calling upon this fire elemental he can create and manipulate fire.
TT: Neat.
TT: Does this have any impact on the movie?
GT: Well…… No. In fact, he never creates fire again.
TT: So not only the research was pointless, but the entire scene.
TT: I am glad we resolved that.

AT: oH WHOA, cAN UHM, tHEY MAYBE MAKE UP THEIR MINDS ON WHETHER OR NOT THEY WANT TO HAVE SLOPPY MAKE OUTS OR NOT?
TG: I lurv you
TG: I hates you
TG: Taek me nao
TG: Gollumn golum
TC: MaN tHeY aRe JuSt DoInG wHaT tHeY fEeL iS rIgHt.
TC: wHo ArE wE tO jUdGe?
TC: ThAt ShIt iS mOtHeRfUcKiNg BeAuTiFuLl
CG: AAAAARGH!!!!
TC: SoMeThInG i SaId bRo?
CG: NO…. NEVER MIND…. I’M FINE.
GT: I for one agree with the indigo gentleman.
GT: Though I would wish they spent less time on the romance and a little more on the action.
CG: THIS ROMANCE CAN GO EAT A KNOB. LET’S CONTINUE.

AG: Aaaaaaaaw he looks like a kicked puppy.
GC: TH4TS TH3 LOOK OF SOM3ON3 WHO H4S TO D3NY H1MS3LF S3X
AT: wELL, hE WOULD RISK TURNING INTO THE GHOST RIDER MID-ORGASM
AT: aND THAT WOULD BE KIND OFF UHM, aWKWARD.
GT: And the woman thinks he is either lying scum or criminally insane.
GT: Boy, will she feel stupid when she figures out he is telling the truth.
GT: I sense shenanigans will be afoot shortly.
CC: But )(er reaction is COMPL---ET---ELY natural.
CC: Jo)(nny )(asn’t been t)(e most trustwort)(y person to her. Leaving )(er in t)(e rain, not s)(owing up on t)(eir date……
CC: And t)(en a story t)(is difficult to bereef?
TG: Fefeta speeks truth.
TG: *Feferi, sorry.
CC: )(i)(I, its ok.
CC: After t)(e movie I’ll pick up Nepeta and we can )(ang out
CC: It’ll be fun!
TG: <3
GC: D1D M1SS 4ND PR1NC3SS BUBBL3GUM JUST 4RR4NG3 4 D4T3 >:?
TG: No, not liek dat.
CC: No, no no no.
TG: Welp, unless…..
CC: I mean, unless……
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
CG: I AM GOING TO VOMMIT.

TT: I don’t know guys. Do you think you have enough guns pointed at our unarmed suspect?
GC: S3R1OUSLY
GC: TH3S3 GUYS 4R3 SUCH 4M4T3URS
AG: He is arrested for witholding sex from his love interest.

AT: oK, sO THEY POINTED LIKE, a HUNDRED GUNS AT HIM,
AT: bECAUSE THEY FOUND HIS LICENSE PLATE AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME,
AT: i AM PRETTY SURE HE IS WELL WITHIN HIS RIGHTS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HIS TREATMENT,
CG: IF HE BURNED DOWN AN ORPHANAGE I WOULD AGREE WITH CALLING THE FUCKING SWAT TEAM. BUT THIS IS ONE CIRCUMSTANTIAL PIECE OF EVIDENCE.
TT: Not only that, but we saw him lose his license plate at what might have been miles away from the crime scene.
TC: DiD tHaT hApPeN?
TT: My memory is infallible. The license plate should not even be on the crime scene.
TC: ThEn WhY wAs It ThErE?
TG: Slopy writin.
TT: Also, because a fire effect was used they assume Johnny is responsible. Because he is a stuntman and those use fire effects.
TT: What asinine reasoning is this? Do they expect a stuntman of his caliber to do his own special effects? Arrest his roadie.
GC: SO C4S3 CLOS3D
GC: TH3Y SHOULDN’T B3 4BL3 TO HOLD TH3 D3F3ND4NT
CG: AS IN THEY WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO DO AS MUCH IF JOHNNY WASN’T ACTING SHADY AS FUCK.
CG: SERIOUSLY, DOES HE *WANT* TO GET ARRESTED?

AT: mORE cAGEFACE,
AG: I thought I'd never see the day: It is Cage in a Cage doing the Cageface.
TT: There is an inception joke in there somewhere.
AG: A what now????????
GC: H3 1S 4 SUSP3CT NOT 4 CONV1CT
GC: 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 YOU 4R3 NOT SUPPOS3D TO PUT THOS3 1N 4 ROWDY GROUP C3LL L1K3 TH1S
GC: 3SP3C14LLY NOT 1F YOU KNOW TH3Y H4V3 TH3 C4SH TO G3T 4 GOOD L4WY3R
GC: WH1CH H3 DO3SN’T 4SK FOR B3C4US3 OF NO R34SON WH4TSO3V3R
GC: 1S HUM4N L4W TH1S STUP1D OR 1S 1T JUST C4G3
TG: Cage is speciul :p
TT: Also the inmates beat him up because……
TT: Because of reasons I guess.
CC: Again wit)( t)(e one dimensional evil c)(aracters. Glub.
TC: ShIt BrO dIdN’t ThE gRaVeDiGgEr SaY sOmEtHiNg AbOuT tHe EfFeCt Of EvIl pReSsEnCes?

TC: AaAaAaAhH tHeRe It Is.
TC: SHOWING THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO’SE BOSS.
TC: tearing their motherfucking souls asunder!
GC: >:[
CG: EEP!
TG: Lawl, Karcat did you just eep?
AT: gAMZEE, aRE YOU FEELING OK?
TC: SuRe TaVbRo
TC: WhY wOuLdNt I?
CG: NO REASON. NO REASON WHATSOEVER.
TT: So yeah. Blaze broke out in two minutes flat.
TT: Cops in this universe are legendarily incompetent.

TT: Strike a pose for the trailers.
GT: He looks incredibly bad-ass.
TG: It does lock pretty metal.
CC: W)(at does t)(at cop T)(INK he can do against a man who is literally a magic burning skull?
TC: GoTtA gIvE hIm KuDoS fOr HiS cAjOnEs.
TC: He StIlL tRiEs To TaKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR iN.
CC: But t)(at is just seally!
AT: wHEN DID HE GET A PSYCHIC LINK WITH HIS MOTORCYCLE?
GC: WH3N TH3 PLOT D3M4ND3D 1T

TT: This scene accomplishes nothing.

GT: Gadzooks, he does give these law enforcers the slip in a most spectacular manner.
GT: Simply smashing.
CG: ONE MUST WONDER HOW MANY POLICEMEN AT THIS POINT RAISED THEIR HANDS AND OPTED *NOT* TO CHASE THE MAGIC BURNING HELLSKELETON.
CG: YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE SEEMS TO BE IMPERVIOUS TO PHYSICAL DAMAGE AND IS A FUCKING HELLSKELETON?
GC: TH4T WOULD B3 COW4RD1C3
GC: GHOST R1D3R OBV1OUSLY BROK3 TH3 L4W 4ND N33DS TO B3 4PPR3H3ND3D
AG: Oh pleeeeeeeease. What laws did he 8r8k?
GC: V4ND4L1SM
GC: DR1V1NG W4Y OV3R TH3 SP33DL1M1T
AG: That is not worth calling the entire swat force for!!!!!!!!
GC: WH4T M4NN3R OF M4G1C 3V3N 4LLOWS H1M TO R1D3 ON W4T3R?
TT: Jesus magic.
GC: >:/

TT: Hey, you know that one guy that can actually pose a threat to us but isn't actually invested in stopping us?
TT: Lets fuck with him.
GT: Their vanity is their undoing.
GT: They vastly underestimate Mr Blaze and as a result get picked off one by one.
AT: iNDEED, yOU UHM, SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOUR OPPONENT,
AG: Unless he comes at you with a daggerlance.
AG: Then you are peeeeeeeerfectly in your right to underestimate him.
TC: YO SIS, YOU TALKING SMACK ABOUT TAVBRO?
AG: Eh????????
TC: that shit is seriously motherfucking uncool…….
CG: RIGHT. I THINK GAMZEE NEEDS ANOTHER NAP IN THE SOPOR.
CG: AS IN NOW.
CG: AS IN RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
TC: WhAt?
TC: ShIt BrO i JuSt WoKe Up.
CG: NO. I AM NOT FUCKING DOING THIS AGAIN.
CG: SOPOR. NAP. NOW.
CC: I t)(oug)(t you two weren’t moiraeels any more….
CC: You )(ave no rig)(t to command him like that.
CG: JUST FUCKING TRUST ME ON THIS PLEASE.
TC: AaAaAaAaAwW cOmE oN bEsT fRiEnD.
GC: JUST…… L3T H1M ST4Y
CG: WHAT?!
GC: 1T 1S S4F3R 1F W3 C4N OBS3RV3 H1M
GT: (Am I the only one that is totally lost?)
TG: (Not at all jakey.)
TT: (………..)

CG: YOU KNOW, BECAUSE FUCK PHYSICS.
AT: aND STAIRS,
TT: Newton trying to tell him no. How you like them apples bitch?

AG: Another one? SERIOUSLY????????
AG: We have a 8attle 8etween a fiery hellspawn and a wind demon and the movie somehow makes it 8ORING!
AG: Just think a8out what could 8e done with this scene. An epic rooftop 8attle 8etween two elementals under a full moon.
AG: 8ut now. Ghostrider whips his chain around two or three times and wins.
AG: AT LEAST 8RING 8ACK NICHOLAS CAGE IF YOU’RE GONNA SUCK MOVIE.
GT: In related news, Blackheart is down two cronies.

CC: So )(e rides down the building on )(is motorcycle LIK----E A BASS
CC: Recognizes Roxy and wants to approac)( )(er.
CC: Maybe apologize for being so unintrenchionally rude.
CC: Maybe to ask her for forgiveness.
CC: *sigh* Maybe to ask if s)(e can still love the man )(e )(as become.
CG: AND THEN HE GETS RIDDLED WITH BULLETS.
CC: And t)(en )(e gets riddled with bullets……

CG: LUCKILY HE TAKES IT WELL.
AG: Yeah. I don’t caaaaaaaare what the movie says a8out it.
AG: People died there.
TT: Half of the NYPD burned to a crisp.
TT: Criminal activities rise. Ghostrider is more needed than ever.
TT: Truly the perfect crime.
GC: HMMM YOUR M1ND WORKS 1N 4 WORR1SOM3 W4Y
TT: I get that a lot.
GC: DO YOU RP?
TT: Ironically.
GC: TH3N W3 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 B3ST3ST FR13NDS >:]
TT: And make Dave hella jealous?
TT: What kind of bro do you take me for?
GC: TH3 R34LLY COOL K1ND WHO L1K3S TO PL4Y G4M3S
TT: Well shit, got me there.

AG: Well isn’t that great.
AG: Johnny gets told stuff we already saw IN THE GODDAMN OPENING!!!!!!!!
GT: To be fair, they do elaborate more on the contract.
CC: Y---ES.
CC: T)(ey were people driven to GR---EED by the Devil’s deals.
CC: So t)(ey weren’t ---EVIL shoals but corrupted. T)(at makos a lot more seanse!
TG: Still, the old man talks aboot carter slade liek he’s a hero.
TG: But like, if he is a gohstrider too and the prevous one at that, that meens hes teh guy.
TG: He’s talkin aboat himself.
CC: ABOAT <3
TG: Lurv you too Fefs.

AT: aND DROP GOES THE MOIRAIL,
TC: ShIt BrO.
TC: ThAt BlAcKhEaRt FeLlOw Is HeLlA wHaCk.
TC: yOu DoNt tUrN a BrO iNtO a HuSk LiKe ThAt.
TC: ThAt ShIt Is LiKe, ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg PoLaR OpPoSiTe Of MeLlOw.
TC: SeRiOuSlY hArSh.
CG: YES. AFTER BEATING UP ON THE DEFENSELESS OLD MAN BLACKHEART INEXPLICABLY FIGURES OUT WHERE JOHNNY LIVES.
GT: Well, they make a point to mention that he never locks his door.
GT: And pretty much the entire city was looking for him after that whole police roast.
CG: SO THE DEVIL’S BASTARD WATCHES THE NEWS WHERE THEY MENTIONED WHERE HE LIVED FOR SOME REASON?
CG: HIS ADRESS IS PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE?
GT: Well yeah, when you put it like that it does sound a bit silly.

AT: nO? hE’S NOT GOING TO CHECK HOW HIS MOIRAIL IS DOING?
AT: nOT A MOMENT TO GRIEVE OVER HIS CORPSE?
AT: jUST A QUICKLY MUTTERED: aAAW mACK, LIKE HE STEPPED IN SOMETHING FILTHY?
AT: wELL OK THEN.
TG: Omfg his BFG dosn’t even work on darkheart cus he has no soul.
TT: So we can’t send him to kill MTV either.
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
GT: But he promptly gets his ass handed to him and Roxy is taken hostage.
TG: Becus of course she is. Why do women never get a chance in heroflicks?
TT: Would you be insulted if I mentioned the Catwoman movie?
TG: incredbly so.
CC: I t)(ink its kinda cool that Black)(eart doesn’t seem to want absolute destruction but rat)(er take )(is fat)(ers place.
GC: 3XC3PT H3’S TOT4LLY 4FT3R D3STRUCT1ON
GC: H3 M3NT1ON3D 1T 1N H1S F1RST SC3N3S
CC: Maybe just to convince t)(e elementals?

CG: SO THE OLD GHOSTRIDER KEPT THE CONTRACT HIDDEN FOR 150 HUMAN YEARS, INSIDE HIS SHOVEL.
GC: W3LL 1T 1SNT STR4NG3 FOR 4 GR4V3D1GG3R TO C4RRY 4 SHOV3L
GC: 1 M34N BL4CKH34RT STOOD R1GHT N3XT TO 1T, H3 D1DN’T H4V3 4 CLU3
CG: HOW LONG IS 150 YEARS?
AG: A loooooooong time.
CG: DO HUMANS NORMALLY GROW THAT OLD?
TG: Not witht srs majyks.
CG: BUT THE MOVIE DOESN’T EXPLAIN IT, THEREFOR IT IS TOTALLY UNREASONABLE TO EXPECT PEOPLE TO GUESS THE OLD GUY IS THE OLD GHOST RIDER.
CG: EXCEPT THROUGH HIS VOICE. HIS SILHOUET. HIS KNOWLEDGE ABOUT BEING A GHOSTRIDER.
CG: YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING ELSE.

TC: WoAh DuDe.
TC: ThE oLd BrO wAs ThE pReViOus GhOsTrIdEr.
TC: MaN tHiS fIlM kEePs ThRoWiNg ThEsE wIicKeD cOmPleX tWiStS aT me.
TC: ShIt Is CrAY.
CG: GODFUCKMOTHERINGDAMNIT!
TC: SeRiOuSly BeSt MoViE i HaVe EvEr Seen.
TC: GrEaT pIcK.
GT: Why thank you kindly pal.
GT: Have you seen a lot of movies?
TC: MaN pRoBaBlY.
TC: I dOnT rEaLlY rEmEmBeR.
TC: AnY oF tHeM rEaLly.
GT: Ah. So in a manner of speaking, this is the first film you have seen?
TC: I gUeSs.
GT: Well, I am flattered to be invited on such a joyous occasion.
TC: MaN i WiLl HoNk To ThAt.
CG: PLEASE DON’T
GC: PL34S3 DON’T
TT: Is no one else going to comment on the hellhorse and how awesome it is?
TT: Does everyone fail to recognize the beauty of this incredibly metal equine?
AG: Weeeeeeeell there is one guy 8ut he isn’t invited.
TT: Of course.

GT: This should be on the cover of one of those hardrock albums.
AT: i ADMIT, i AM KINDA PUMPED FOR THIS,
AT: wITH THIS INCREDIBLY COOL MUSIC PLAYING, tWO BURNING PEOPLE RIDING THROUGH THE DESERT.
AG: I knoooooooow right?
AG: Two bad-ass ghostriders, one classic, one modern a8out to take on the son of the devil and win the girl.
AG: This shit is going to 8e amaaaaaaaazing.
TT: hmmph….
TG: Dirk? Where you aboot to laughter there?
TT: No, no. There was absolutely nothing humorous about that.
TT: Please. Proceed.

AG: 8OOOOOOOO
AG: 8OOOOOOOO
AG: 8X MY 8OO’ING!!!!!!!!!
AG: HE’S JUST GOING TO LEAVE LIKE A CHUMP?!
AG: YEAH, MAY8E HE ONLY HAD ONE MORE RIDE IN HIM, 8UT HE SEEMED TO 8E COMPLETELY CAPA8LE TO CONTROL IT. HE COULD HAVE DRAGGED IT OUT.
AG: HE COULD RIDE INTO 8LACKHEARTS STRONGHOLD AND DO SOME DAMAGE.
AG: AT LEAST TAKE OUT THE REMAINING ELEMENTAL 8ASTARD!
AG: MAY8E GO OUT AS A 8AD-ASS INSTEAD OF A GLORIFIED TOURING GUIDE!!!!!!!!
AG: SHAMEFUL MIST8KE MOVIE. WASTE OF POTENTIAL. 1/8

AT: gEE, nICHOLAS cAGE IS ALONE AND SURROUNDED BY WATER,
AT: dRIVING VERY SLOWLY WITH HIS BIKE THROUGH THE WATER,
AT: wITH NOTHING AROUND HIM BUT MIST AND WATER,
AT: i AM TRYING TO COMMUNICATE THAT THIS IS VERY OBVIOUSLY A TRAP BY THE WATER ELEMENTAL,
AT: dID UHM, tHAT COME ACROSS?
GC: YOU 4R3 L34RN1NG

CC: U)(m….. )(ow come the water is suddenly R---EELLY deep?
CC: )(e was just wading t)(roug)( it moments ago.
CC: Now it’s so deep )(e was aboat to drown.
CG: WHO CARES. MOVIE IS ALMOST OVER.
CG: DEAR GOD, IT’S ALMOST BEEN TWO HOURS ALREADY.
CG: BUT IF I DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER I WOULD SAY THE FILM FELT A LITTLE BIT RUSHED.
GC: SSSSSSSHHH S4V3 1T FOR TH3 CR3D1TS
TT: You know, with both the air elemental and this guy I have no idea what actually killed them.
TT: The action scenes are shot dirt poor, like they were done by a college dropout who was totally going to make a career in film.
TT: Then he ends up shooting a porno for his roommate.
GC: GROSS
TT: I kinda forgot where I was going with that metaphor
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4 4 F4M1LY TR41T 1 4SSUR3 YOU

CC: You know…. Not to tell Black)(eart )(ow to do )(is job, but )(e is not t)(e best negotiator.
CC: T)(is guy already krilled t)(ree of )(is man, )(e s)(oald know t)(at )(e is out for blood.
CG: YOU’D THINK THAT HE’D HOLD ONTO THE GIRL UNTIL CAGE WOULD GIVE HIM THE CONTRACT.
CG: BETTER YET, PUT HER IN A DEATHTRAP SOMEWHERE BUT DON’T TELL CAGE *WHERE* IT IS UNTIL HE HANDS HER THE CONTRACT.
CG: BLACKHEART CAN LEAVE WITH THE CONTRACT, CAGE RESCUES THE GIRL, NEGOTIATIONS OVER.
CG: HE DID HAVE THE TIME TO SET SOMETHING LIKE THAT UP, BUT NO.
CG: LETS ALL BE FUCKING IDIOTS AGAIN BECAUSE THE PLOT DEMANDS IT AND LET GO OF THE GIRL BECAUSE CAGE ASKS EVER SO FUCKING POLITELY!

CG: GOT NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF ASSHOLE!
GT: Blimey the devil’s son sure knows how to put up a fight.
GT: Mr Blaze doesn’t stand a chance against this sort of strength.
GT: Not only that, but he is immune to fire, immune to the penance stare and appears be just as durable as the ghostrider.
GT: Could this be the end of Johnny Blaze?
GC: 1S TH1S 4 CH33SY SUP3RH3RO FL1CK?
GT: Why yes.
GC: TH3N NO, 1T 1SN’T TH3 3ND
TT: What a twist would that be though. Blackheart gets the contract, kills his dad and instead of taking over earth decides to rule in hell.
TT: Cage was merely a pawn in a game of biblical proportions and got sacrificed accordingly.
TT: It would really put the insignificant value of the individual in proportions. How small we really are in an infinitely growing universe.
AT: pLEASE STOP TALKING,
TG: He lieks heering himself talk.
TT: I happen to have a very pleasant voice.

AG: Hahahahahahahaha ok, I get it now.
AG: The reason why they only showed flashes of 8lackheart and the devil in their true form.
AG: It is 8ecause he looks a8soluuuuuuuutely ridiculous.
AT: tHE SOULS FLOATING AROUND HIM AREN’T MUCH BETTER,
AT: eXCEPT NOW THEY ARE,
AT: aND NOW THEY AREN’T,
AT: wHAT IS GOING ON?
TT: As long as they stay in motion they appear to be adequately executed cg effects.
TT: When the camera chooses to linger on them…… yeah.

CG: AAAH. A PRETTY FRAME.
CG: FLEE FROM THIS TRAINWRECK OF A MOVIE. GO SOMEPLACE YOU BELONG.
GT: I happen to really like this movie.
TG: Ya, you like perty much erry movie.
TT: Gee. The final battle takes place in a church.
TT: It’s almost symbolic or something.
TC: ShIt BrO, iS iT?
TC: i CaN nEvEr TeLl.
TC: ICONS OF THE MIRTHFULL FUCKING MESSIAHS ARE WEIRD LIKE THAT.
TC: they could be anywhere and they could mean anything.
CG: GAMZEE…….WOULD YOU CARE FOR ONE OF THOSE DISGUSTING SLIME PIES AFTER THIS?
TC: bRo ThAt WoUlD bE tHe WiCkEd BiTcHtItS aLl Up In ThIs hISsOuSe

TG: BOOYEAH
TG: GRLPWR!
TG: Shotguns rule, hellspawns drool!
CC: Aaaaw Y-------EAH)(
GT: But no. Out of bullets.
TT: Remember when I said he could transform objects?
TG: Aaaaw pimpin. He hass the hell shotty.
TC: DaMn SiS, tHaT sHiTs OvErPoWeREd As FuCk.

CG: ………..NO.
CG: YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS MOVIE.
AG: Soooooooo that contract allowed him to a8sor8 all those souls……..
AG: Which means he now has souls to 8e 8urned 8y that penance stare thing.
TT: That is….. Well…..
GC: 4N 1NCR3D1BLY CONTR1V3D B4CKF1R3
CG: OK. THEY CLEARLY HAD NO IDEA HOW TO END THIS FIGHT.
CG: THESE SOULS ARE NOT HIS OWN. TECHNICALLY *HIS* BEING SHOULD SURVIVE THE PENANCE STARE.
CG: BUT WITH EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED THERE IS NO WAY NICHOLAS CAGE COULD BEAT BLACKHEART IN A FAIR FIGHT.
CC: Also, isn’t t)(e contract void now t)(at all t)(ousand souls are burned?
CC: S)(oaldn’t t)(e devil be pissed aboat t)(at?

AG: Nop, he’s pretty cool a8out it.
AG: Oh, you just tore apart an o8ject of gr8 power ánd murdered my son?
AG: How a8out I end this curse so we’re even?
AG: The hell?
GT: Appropriate phrasing.
AT: aLRIGHT UHM, tHIS IS PRETTY BAD-ASS
TG: Yeah, he flips the devil off
TG: Fuck you buddy imma use yer curse against you.
GT: So after all of these trials Johnny Blaze decides to become a real hero and hunt down the devil himself.
TT: It’s like this entire movie was the set-up for a much better sequel that never came.
GT: Well there is Spirit of Vengeance.
TT: I was talking about a better sequel.

CG: HUH….. THAT’S…… WELL, SURPRISINGLY MATURE.
CG: THEY AGREE THAT, EVEN THOUGH THEY BOTH HAVE FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER THEY CAN’T BE TOGETHER BECAUSE JOHNNY IS THE GHOSTRIDER.
CG: AND AGAIN THE SCENERY IS ABSOLUTELY BREATHTAKING.
CG: ITS LIKE, AT TIMES THE MOVIE SHOWS TRULY INSPIRED MOMENTS OR FRAMES WHILE REMAINING COMPLETELY UNINTERESTING.
CG: DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
GC: NOT 4T 4LL
CG: I THOUGHT SO.
GT: So that was Ghostrider chums.
GT: Was it a good movie?
CG: FUCK NO.
GC: NO
TG: Not at all
TT: Nop.
AT: i DON’T THINK SO?
CC: I…. don’t know?
AG: It…. was ok I think????????
TC: FuCk YeAh, It WaS aWeSoMe
GT: Oh…..
GT: Well did you at least enjoy it?
CG: FUCK NO.
GC: H3H3H3 Y34H
TG: Fck yeh!
TT: Meh
AT: kINDA?
CC: Y—EA)(
AG: Yeah……..
TC: DaMn StRaIgHt I eNjOyEd It.
CG: IT IS SUCH A FRUSTRATING FUCKING MOVIE.
CG: IT KEEPS SLOWING DOWN, BUT THEN SUDDENLY LOOKS AS IF IT’S GOING TO BE GOOD, THEN IT FALLS FLAT ON ITS FACE AND THE WHOLE THING STARTS OVER AGAIN.
GC: 1T W4S GLOR1OUSLY CH33SY
TG: It was kinda funny in hw much it failt.
TT: Agreed.
AT: mUSIC WAS PRETTY NICE THOUGH,
AT: uHM, aT SOME POINTS AT LEAST, lIKE THE TUNE WHEN THEY CROSS THE DESERT TOGETHER,
CC: But t)(e c)(aracters were pretty bland…. W)(ic)( is a s)(ame cause Jo)(nny Blaze was pretty well developed.
AG: Nicholas Cage was a surpriiiiiiiisingly decent actor in this. Normally I like seeing him freak out, 8ut here it was pretty downplayed.
CG: FOR A NICHOLAS CAGE FLICK, YEAH.
TC: MaN i JuSt HaD fUn WaTcHiNg It.
TC: the way he kills those insubordinate elementals.
TC: THE WAY HE DRIVES WITH NO REGARD FOR ANY LIFE WHATSOEVER.
TC: really makes you wanna crack some skulls YA DIG MOTHERFUCKER?
TG: Lol, I dig.
CG: ….. TAVROS, DO YOU MIND HELPING GAMZEE MAKE A PIE?
AT: UHM, SURE?
AT: I GUESS, SEE YOU AT THE NUTRITIONBLOCK?
TC: sure thing tavbro.

--adiosToreador [AT] left memo--
--terminallyCapricious [TC] left memo--

CG: JEGUS.
CG: DODGED A FUCKING BULLET THERE.
CG: I DON’T THINK I CAN WATCH ANOTHER MOVIE WITH HIM, MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT.
GC: YOU 4ND M3 BOTH >:[
AG: Did we miss somethiiiiiiiing?
CC: Yea)(, you are acting R----EALLY FIS)(Y
TT: Rolal. Feelingsjam?
GC: G4SP
GC: NO SH4M3 WH4TSO3V3R
TT: It is a completely healthy desire.
TG: Aaaaw, nurse rolal will be ther shorlty.
TT: Cool.
TT: Later Jake.
TG: See you shoon distri

--timeausTestified [TT] left memo--

TG: Oshi!
TG: I forgot we were gunna hang out fef.
CC: )(a)(a, don’t worry.
CC: Moiraieels are very important. You s)(ould take the time to jam properly.
TG: Aaaaw, you totes get it <3
CC: Besides, I am S)(ORE Vriska won’t mind )(anging out.
AG: Wont I????????
AG: May8e I have a loooooooot of other irons in the fire.
CC: Do you?
AG: Now?
AG: I could spare a moment I guess……..
CC: GR---EAT.
CC: I’ll be rig)(t t)(ere.

--cuttlefishCuller [CC] left memo--

AG: Wait what????????

--arachnidsGrip [AG] left memo--

CG: SO…… WHO’S TAKING MONITOR DUTY?
CG: I AM PERFECTLY WILLING TO TAKE THE FIRST WATCH TO MAKE SURE GAMZEE ISN’T WALKING AROUND WITH TAVROS’S HEAD.
GT: What?
GC: WHY T4K3 SH1FTS?
GC: 1 4M COM1NG OV3R R1GHT NOW
CG: WHAT?
GC: T4K1NG 4 P4G3 FROM F3F3R1’S BOOK >:]
CG: WAIT, IS THAT YOU AT THE DOOR ALREADY.
CG: GODDAMNIT TEREZI YOU INSANE HAG.
CG: WAIT, GET THE FUCK OFF ME.
CG: TEREZI YOU INCREDIBLE B----

--carcinoGeneticist [CG] disconnected--

GC: H3H3H3H3

--gallowsCalibrator [GC] left memo--

TG: Jaaaaaaaakeeey
GT: Yes Lalonde?
TG: Can I ask you liek, a huuuuuge favor?
GT: Why that entirely depends Roxy.
GT: Is it within the realm of my capabilities.
TG: Oh yes. Yes it is.
GT: Do tell.
GT: What is this humongous favor you want to ask?
TG: I have liek teh best movie to watch next time.
TG: So can I liek pick next movie?
GT: Sure. Go absolutely bonkers.
TG: <3
TG: Thank you so much jakey!
TG: This is gunna be so good!!!
GT: Haha, if your enthusiasm is any indication this will be quite the ride.
TG: Oh you have nooo idea ;)
TG: It will be the bitch tits fo sho.
GT: Marvelous.
GT: Now I believe Mr Strider is waiting.
TG: el oh el, I know.
TG: See you soon.
GT: See you soon.

--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] left memo--
--golgothasTerror [GT] closed memo--

Chapter Text

--carcinoGeneticist [CG]opened memo: MOVIES FOR DIPSHITS—

CG: I DON’T KNOW HOW OFTEN I’LL HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF SO I WILL MAKE THIS BRIEF.
CG: FIRST POINT THAT NEEDS TO BE ADRESSED BEFORE STARTING THIS MOVIENIGHT IS THAT BOARDGAMES MONDAY IS OFFICIALLY FUCKING CANCELED AFTER LAST WEEK’S HIJINX.
CG: NO, I DON’T CARE IF ERIDAN PLAYED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE RULES OR NOT.
CG: I JUST KNOW THAT A GAME OF HUMAN ‘RISK’ IS NOT SUPPOSED TO END WITH THREE OF THE PLAYERS TRYING TO CHOKE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER IN THE WORLD’S SHITTIEST MEXICAN STAND OFF.
CG: NOW NORMALLY I WOULDN’T FUCKING MIND, IF YOU DIDN’T DECIDE TO DO THIS SHIT IN MY OWN FUCKING HIVE!
CG: SO GUESS WHICH UNLUCKY SOD HAD CLEAN UP DUTY?
CG: THAT’S RIGHT, I AM THE UNLUCKY SOD.
CG: IT’S ME.

--caligulasAquarium [CA] joined memo--

CA: its not my fault that they are sore losers
CA: evveryone hail the glorious ampora city!
CG: FIRST OF ALL, SORE WINNERS BREED SORE LOSERS!
CG: SECOND, I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU FUCKING CHEATED.
CG: AND FINALLY: I AM PRETTY DAMN SURE YOU DO NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO RENAME AN ENTIRE HUMAN CONTINENT, LEAST OF ALL TURN IT INTO A FUCKING CITY.
CA: yes but wwhat kinda lame name is australia anywway
CA: wwhat evven is an australia
CA: also my vvictory wwas just a matter of tactics
CA: the cheatin wwas just to further solidify my status as supreme commander of the battlefield
CA: vvieww it as black ops and espionage
CG: YOU STARTED WITH MOST OF AUSTRALIA AND TURTLED UP UNTIL YOU COULD FUCKING STEAMWALTZ THE REST OF THE MAP!
CA: tactics
CG: GODDAMNIT AMPORA!
CG: LETS STOP FOCUSSING ON THAT LAME BOARDGAME FOR JUST A FEW MINUTES TO START THIS FUCKING STREAM!
CG: THE SECOND POINT I WAS GOING TO MAKE.
CG: NO HUMAN MOVIES ANYMORE. THEY ARE STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.
CA: uhm
CG: I AM NOT RISKING HAVING TO LOOK AT NIC CAGE’S UGLY HUMAN MUG ANOTHER TWO HOURS AFTER LAST WEEK’S SHITFEST.
CA: kar?
CG: THIS WEEK WE ARE DOING THINGS MY WAY. THIS WEEK, WE ARE GOING TO DO THINGS IN A MANNER BEFITTING OF OUR RACE GODDAMNIT. HAVE SOME PRIDE PEOPLE.
CA: not to be rude or anythin
CG: I PICKED A SELECTION OF EXCELLENT TROLL MOVIES. WE CAN BRING IT TO A VOTE, BUT IF THE TROLL BUTLER DOESN’T WIN YOU HAVE FAILED AS MOVIE CONNISEURS.
CA: kar?
CG: WHAT!!!!
CA: not to rain on your parade but i thought it wwas already decided wwe wwere gonna wwatch a human movvie
CG: WHAT?
CA: its pretty much the only reason i came at all
CG: …….. WHO ELSE HAS THIS INCREDIBLY INCORRECT DELUSION?
CA: pretty much evveryone
CA: lalonde did some hardcore advvertisin
CG: THAT FUCKING GRIMDARK WITCHBITCH!
CA: the other one
CG: WHAT?!

--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] joined memo--

TG: lawl, sorry katkar. didn’t rezi tell ya?
CG: WHAT IS GOING ON?!
TG: well….. i told jakey to tell dick, to tell davey, to tell rezi, to tell you i had a movevie for tonight.
TG: jakey agreed to let me pick cus i was last in teh stream.
CG: WHAT KIND OF ASININE FUCKING RULE IS THAT?!
TG: iunno. but it works ;)
CG: SO WHAT?! EVERYONE IS EXPECTING TO SEE YOUR SHITTY HUMAN MOVIE!?
TG: perty much.
CG: ALRIGHT……. FINE. I’LL JUST MAKE SURE TO BE LAST IN MY OWN STREAM TONIGHT. I HAVE THE TENACITY OF A PISSED OFF ASSASSINFILTRATOR SO THAT SHOULDN’T BE TOO HARD.
CG: ONE IMPORTANT FUCKING QUESTION REMAINS HOWEVER.
CG: DOES IT INCLUDE NICHOLAS CAGE?
TG: nop. wuld have been amazah though.
CG: THEN GO NUTS. I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE.
CA: wwait, just like that?
CG: ITS BEEN A THING. I’LL JUST BIDE MY TIME AND TAKE NEXT WEEK.
CA: that’s uncharacteristically swwell of you.
CG: I AM JUST RELIEVED I CAN WATCH A MOVIE WITHOUT NICHOLAS CAGE NOW.

--tentacleTherapist [TT] joined memo--
--gallowsCalibrator [GC] joined memo--

CG: AND THERE IS THE LEGUME GALLERY.
TG: gooooood evevenin all and welcum
TG: to roxy’s whimcisal wizxzard streamu.
TG: names plx, i need to check teh geustlist.
GC: 1 4M L3G1SL4C3R4TOR R3DGL4R3 4ND TH1S 1S MY LOV3LY 4SS1ST4NT MRS NOIRE LAVENDER.
TT: A pleasure.
TG: hmmmm yup, dat checks out. second row, chair 14 and 15 if you plz.
TT: Much obliged.
CA: you nevver asked me for my character rox
TG: i thought you wer just knda goin for teh hipster dude.
CA: i am dualscar fuckin ampora
CA: the fuckin is silent
CA: and i demand to be treated with some goddamn respect
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU CONTINUE ROLEPLAYING I AM GOING TO BLOW A LID.

--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] joined memo--
--twinArmageddons [TA] joined memo--

GA: I Apologize For My Tardiness
GA: It Took Some Coaxing to make Mr Captor To Join The Stream
TA: and iit ii2 gonna 2uck
CA: and its gonna suck
CG: AND IT’S GONNA SUCK.
GC: W3LL W3 4R3 OFF TO 4 FLY1NG ST4RT
TG: srs u guys. it’s a killurmoive.
TA: that doe2nt change the fact that ii have to watch thii2 2hiit wiith ed
TA: why am ii here agaiin?
CA: I don’t think anyone wwould mind if you’re gonna leave sol
CA: The intellectual levvel of the stream wwould be greatly improvved wwithout you
TA: ah now ii remember
TA: ii wa2 gonna pii22 ed off. Cau2e that alway2 work2 out
CA: why, you filthy ingrate
GC: BOYS B3H4V3
GA: Quite
GA: Can We Trust You Two To Make It Through This Movie Without Assistance Of An Auspistice
CA: fine
TT: Actually, I am rather fascinated by the concept of the ashen quadrants.
TT: A demonstration wouldn’t be amiss.
GC: HUM4NS 4R3 SO D3L1GHTFULLY SH4M3L3SS 4BOUT TH3 P4L3R QU4DR4NTS
GC: 1 LOV3 1T
CG: GODDAMNIT, COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE?

--turntechGodhead [TG] joined stream--

CG: I WAS FUCKING KIDDING!

--apacolypsArisen [AA] joined stream--

TG: sup people
TG: brought a hot date
TG: ohmg thats so qute!
TG: and with hot i mean cold
TG: and with date i mean robot
GC: 1 THOUGHT 4LL 4R4D14BOTS W3R3 D3STROY3D
AA: n0
GC: >:/
AA: just m0st
CG: AND WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING IT TO THE STREAM?
TG: well gee i thought i could put my human genitalia in her harddrive and see if stuff explodes
CG: WHAT?!
TG: nah
TG: she was just standing there watching me with those uncaring red puppydogeyes
TG: how could i not bring her along
TG: can i keep her
TT: Sigh……
TT: This is why we will never let Dave have a pet.
TA: dude dont talk about aa liike that
TA: 2eriiou2 diickmove
AA: its 0k
TA: well of cour2e YOU’D 2ay that
TG: hows about I start this badboy up
CG: WAIT!
CG: I AM KIND OF EXPECTING ANOTHER GUEST.
GC: HMMM?
GC: D1D YOU 1NV1T3 JOHN?
CG: NO.
GC: N3P3T4?
CG: GOD NO.

--Cyprinidconquerer [CC] joined memo—

CC: sup s)(outy
CC: dis t)(e little get-toget)(er you were planning?
CC: #movienight #chillinwithshouty
TG: aw man you hypocrite
TG: what was that whole alphas are assholes bs you were blabbering about
CG: SCREW YOU. MEENAH IS JUST KIND OF AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.
GA: What About Porrim
CG: NOT NOW KANAYA!
CC: na)(, i )(ear ya. mah teammates are fuckin idiots
CC: #dorks #losers #failmajors
CA: wwait, so you’re like her imperious condescension?
CC: i )(ave no glubbin interest in t)(at bulls)(ark cronus jr
CC: way to much busywork and makoin sure everyone is somewater happy
CC: #notmystyle
CA: cronus jr…. wwhat?!
CG: LALONDE, START THIS SHIT UP.
TG: aye aye cap’n.

GC: THOS3 P3OPL3 W34R V3RY W31RD H4TS
CA: ah that’s pretty cool idea for a science fiction movvie
CA: a hi-tech devvice that allowws you to turn of streetlights and a flyin bicycle
GA: Would I Be Incorrect In Assuming This Is Magic
TG: you would not
CA: i disagree
TT: This is not exactly a point meant to argue about.
CG: WE ARE NOT A MINUTE INTO THE MOVIE, KEEP YOUR TRAPS SHUT!
CA: i just wwanna go on record as sayin that this is NOT magic
CA: it is just a science wwe do not understand yet
TG: if you want science you dont understand you need to talk to harley
TG: alrite guys, this is liek, my FAVORITERTEST movie EVAR
TG: capitals fur emphaziz
TT: Are you quite serious?
TG: hells yeah
TG: well, the CotL movevie nevar really came to be cus teh authr felt it was doin hur work injustipe.
TT: Imagine that……

TA: whoa tho2e human2 are a22hole2
TA: we don’t wanna care for the kiid, let the2e random folk2 do iit.
AA: they aren’t rand0m
TA: oh yeah, what2 the word agaiin. amily?
TG: yup
TG: and so begins the ecip tale of happy potter
CA: not exactly a name that inspires fear in the hearts a men
GA: I Do Not Believe It Is Supposed To
CA: wwell consider me bored already
CC: You an me both cronus jr
CC: Not t)(at I expect t)(is blond B---EAC)( to aks)(elly pick somefin )(alfway decent.
TG: What did you call me?!
CC: T)(ats rig)(t little guppy, raise t)(ose fins an see if ya can get a hit.
CC: #roundthree #comeatme
CG: MOTHERFUCK. TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT.
CG: LALONDE, THINK YOU CAN AUSPISTICE BETWEEN THESE TWO FUCKING HARPIES?
TT: Not while remaining impartial.
CC: S)(it s)(outy, why you gotta clamp ma style?
CG: FUCK THAT NOISE. WE ARE NOT GOING TO SIT HERE LISTENING TO YOUR FLAILING ATTEMPTS AT BLACK FLIRTATIONS.
CC: 38(
GC: OH, OH L3T M3
TG: wait, waht is happyning?
GA: Terezi Are You Certain
GC: OH Y3S
GC: 1 W4S H4TCH3D FOR TH1S
CC: So Pyrope t)(e seaquel is gonna ausfishtice? You beta’s are CRAYS---EA
CC: #too many fishpuns #booyeah
GC: YOU W1LL R3SP3CT MY AUTHOR1TY M1SS P31X3S >:]
CG: AND CAN WE GET SOMEONE ON ERIDAN AND SOLLUX WHILE WE’RE AT IT?
CA: wwe don’t need one!
CG: OH YES YOU DO!
TG: christ all these auspistices
CG: THANK YOU FOR VOLUNTEERING STRIDER.
TG: what?
TG: no
AA: i will assist if that is 0k
CG: THAT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING. YOU CAN’T AUSPISTICE WITH FOUR PEOPLE!
TG: im cool with it
TA: iim not
TG: …..whelp, not how I expetced this to go down.
CG: IT NEVER DOES. IT IS JUST A TEMPORARY ARRANGEMENT.
CG: THE MOMENT YOU SET A FOOT OUTSIDE MY HIVE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, BUT I AM NOT TOLERATING THESE PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT BLACK ROMANCE UNTIL THEN.
CG: IF I DON’T PUT MY FOOT DOWN THESE ASSHOLES WILL BE MOLESTING THE COUCH BEFORE WE START THE NEXT MOVIE.

CC: so imma have ta listen to pyrope’s second coming over )(ere?
CC: t)(at is suc)( bulls)(ark i cannot even bereef s)(outy t)(inks imma listen to you.
CC: not w)(ile t)(e rogue is rig)(t t)(ere and not poked full of blow)(oles.
GC: PUT TH3 TR1D3NT DOWN MRS P31X3S 4ND W4TCH TH3 MOV13 >:[
CC: Nop.
GC: DO 1T
CC: lemme see…..
CC: still NOP---E.
CC: OW W)(AT T)(--E S)(IT?
GC: D1SOB3D13NC3 C4LLS FOR NUB DRUBBINGS.
CC: cut it out!
CC: t)(at s)(it is mildly annoyin!
CC: #whattheglub
GC: P4Y CLOS3 4TTR3NCH1ON L4LOND3
GC: B3H4V3 OR YOUR NUB W1LL B3 JUST 4S V1C1OUSLY DRUBB3D
TG: yeah, imma behave.
TG: it looks perty annojin.
CC: glub, you said trench!
GC: Y3S 1 D1D
GA: I Believe Terezi Is Perhaps Not The Best Example Of A Succesful Mediator
TT: It is really quite fascinating, if not a little silly.

TG: its liek looking at babyfotos!!!
CC: Must….. Not….. Stab……..
CC: Ouc)(!!!
GC: B3H4V3 >:]
TT: I agree Roxy. After seeing them grow up and move on with their carreers it is very strange to see the actors in their earliest roles again.
CG: SO THE STORY IS ABOUT THIS ORPHANED KID ADOPTED BY THE SIBLINGS OF HIS LUSUS, WHO GETS PRETTY MUCH NEGLECTED AND BULLIED FOR NO ADEQUATELY EXPLORED REASON.
TA: iit doe2nt even make 2en2e
TA: diidnt the elder wiizard explaiin the kiid iis magiical?
TA: wouldn’t you treat a magiic baby a2 a kiing 2o he liike2 you when he grow2 up and you can guiilt hiim iinto doiing magiic2 for you?
CG: YOU’D THINK THE WOULD HAVE PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO THAT.
TG: but teh durslies are liek antimahgics
TT: That and the entire story is a metaphor for coming out of the closet.
GA: Why
GA: Why Would A Metaphor For Such An Peculiar Situation Be Nesecary

TG: fatty had it coming
TG: standing there with his nose pressed against the glass like an orphan looking into a toyshop during christmas eve
TG: the glass cant hold your weight tubby
TG: or was it
TG: ………………………………………………….*gasp*
TG: MAJYKS!
TG: no it was definitely that other thing i just said

CA: you knoww, if thát guy starts sayin there is no magic i may actually believve the contrary
GA: Wonderful
GA: You Will Enjoy The Movie A Lot More If You Suspend Your Disbelief
CA: kan please i aint sayin that
CA: merely that this movvie believves its owwn trickery to be magic
TA: iits ju2t a moviie dumba22.
TA: ii know iit ii2 diifiicult to tell, but iif you look clo2ely through tho2e 2tupiid hiip2tergla22e2 you’ll 2ee that iit ii2n’t documentiing real liife event2.
CA: wwhat wwas that captor?
CA: i saww your mouth movve but i don’t think anythin wworth listenin came from it
AA: dave
TG: alright kids
TG: break it up
TG: we are going to hug this shit out like a couple of second graders
TA: ii am not touchiing hiim
CA: oomph, fuck!
TA: u2iing psiioniic2 doe2nt count riight
TG: hey radia
TG: you can do that psionic thing too right
AA: yes
TG: alright here is the gameplan kids
TG: you stop fighting like two girls wearing the same dress arguing about who needs to change
TG: and this sweet piece of metal wont have to force you two to hold hands till you agree to make out
TG: *make up
TG: why
TG: what did i say?
TG: oh christ
TG: no lalonde i swear to god dont
TG: i will do a pirouette right of the fucking handle
TG: do not do it
TT: ;)
TG: uuuungh

CG: SO IS EVERYONE SEATED?
CG: ARE ALL CATFIGHTS UNDER CONTROL?
CG: WHY DON’T WE HOLD OFF FROM WATCHING THE MOVIE SOME MORE FOR A PISS BREAK?
CG: MAYBE START READING THAT DUSTY OLD BOOK YOU WERE MEANING TO GET INTO.
GA: Karkat You Seem Rather Agitated
CG: WELL I CAN’T FUCKING CRITICIZE THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING WHAT’S GOING ON NOW CAN I?
GA: That Is Fair
GA: But Not Much Appears To Have Changed
GA: Harry Simply Got A Letter
GA: A Letter His Adopted Human Fatherlusus Does Not Want Him To Read
CG: FINALLY, THE PLOT IS BEING SET IN MOTION.
CG: THAT ONLY TOOK LIKE….. 10 MINUTES. OK, THAT ISN’T TOO BAD.

GA: Well
GA: That Escalated Quickly
TG: equivavelent of rl spam rly

CG: AND THEN THE CHIMNEY FUCKING ERUPTS IN LETTERS.
TA: 2eriiou2ly, how iinept ii2 thii2 kiid.
TA: 2natch one of the2e biiliion letter2 and hiide it under your 2hiirt or 2omethiing.
TA: Then you can read iit iin the priivacy of your clo2et.
GA: Perhaps Intelligence Simply Is Not His Forte
TT: He is fairly action orientated.
TG: yes but tt is rite, its faitly stuoid
TG:*stupid CC: so the movie is dumb. pop somefin eelse in.
CC: didn’t you people have a fintastic movie aboat a great w)(ite murderfis)( 38)
TG: we are not poppin another movive in!
CC: nobody wants t)(is happy potter flick!
CC: ah )(at t)(e angling fuck pyrope!!!
GC: YOU 4R3 PROVOK1NG H3R
CC: )(er movie is provokin me.
CC: stop t)(at!
GC: TH3 DRUBB1NGS W1LL CONT1NU3 UNT1LL YOU C34S3

CG: SO WHAT? THIS IS THEIR SUMMERHIVE?
CG: THEY LOOKED THIS PLACE UP ON THE CRAIG HUMAN’S LIST?
CG: HOW THE FUCK DO THEY GET A TOWER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN OCEAN AND WHY THE FUCK DOES THE FATHERS MATESPRIT AGREE TO MOVE TO THE ALMOST LITERAL BUTTFUCK OF NOWHERE TO AVOID SOME DAMN LETTERS!?!?
CC: psssst S)(outy
CC: we s)(oald team up and stop watc)(in t)(is piece a s)(it movie
CG: I HAVE SEEN WORSE SO NO.
CG: I SURVIVED GHOST RIDER, I CAN FUCKING HANDLE THIS.
CG: UNLESS LALONDE LIED AND THERE IS STILL NICHOLAS CAGE IN THIS FLICK
TG: promise, no nicholas cage.
GC: THOUGH H1S H4MMY 4CT1NG M1GHT 4CTU4LLY F1T R1GHT 1NTO TH1S MOV13

TG: hide yo kids and hide yo wife
TG: el oh el, its just hagird
TG: hes a prety col guy
TA: are you kiiddiing me?
TA: he look2 liike my future murderer.
TA: probably hiired by ed becau2e ii 2aid hii2 2carf looked 2tupiid.
AA: s0llux
TA: iim quiet.
CC: )(ow t)(e glub did )(e even beac)( t)(at fuckin island?
TT: Oh, he has a flying motorcycle.
CC: Pimpin.
TG: i no rite
TT: A magic flying motorcycle to be exact.
CA: and wwhat are you lookin at me for?
CA: do ya expect me to jump on command at the mere mentionin a magic?
TT: I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping on it.

TG: yer a wizxard harry
TT: And you’re a hairy wizard.
TA: so the woman knew from day one he wa2 goiing to be a wiizard.
TA: so ii a2k agaiin, why not treat hiim really well 2o he can help you do wiizardy thiing2 when he grow2 up.
TA: need to move to a random tower iin the miidle of nowhere agaiin? let the wiizard do the heavy liiftiing.
TT: Well, Petunia is disgusted by the very idea of wizardry because of her own upbringing with her sister, Harry’s mother.
TT: It is implied she is a squib.
CC: A squid?
TG: a squib dumbface
CC: My face isn’t dumb you little s)(ipwreck!
GC: G1RLS
CC: S)(e started it!
TG: she sarted it!
GC: 1 SW34R K4N4Y4 HOW D1D YOU M4N4G3 TH1S QU4DR4NT?
GA: It Was Never Easy
GC: L3TS S33 NOW TH3 MOV13
GC: OH Y34H
GC: WHY 4R3 TH3 4DULTS SO OPPOS3D TO TH3 1D34 OF H1M GO1NG?
GC: TH3Y S33M TO H4T3 H1M, NOW TH3Y H4V3 4 P3RF3CT L3G1T1M4T3 OPP3RTUN1TY TO G3T R1D OF H1M
TG: tubby cant keep his greasy hands to himself again and gets a pigtail for his trouble
TG: that is a beautiful example of karma
TG: vishnu would be proud
TG: or whichever that elephant guy was

GA: And Then Everybody Suddenly Knew His Name
CG: WELL DUH, THEY ARE WIZARDS. THEY PROBABLY USED MAGIC TO DEDUCE IT LIKE A SHITTY HUMAN SHERLOCK HOLMES.
TT: Well, no.
CG: BUT THEY CAN, RIGHT?
TG: I think?
CC: ya dont t)(ink guppy.
GC: >:]
CC: droppin it, conchider it dropped
CC: #droppedlikeitwashot
CA: i swwear sol wwe havve to step up our game
CA: those twwo are glarin spades at each other like you wwouldnt believve
GA: It Does Look Rather Silly To See So Many People In Those Old Robes
GA: Please Tell Me This Is Not The Only Sense Of Fashion These People Have
TT: It’ll get better dear.
CA: sol?
GA: Thank Goodness
GA: I Understand That It Is Par For The Course For This Genre But I Find It Very Unpleasant
GA: Aesthetically Speaking
TT: But of course
CA: come on sol.
TT: The schooluniforms are fairly easy on the eye and most of the important characters at least dress distinctive enough.
GA: That Is Fair
CA: dont ignore me you ignorant FUCKING peasantblood!!
TG: yo ampora
TG: down in front
TG: we are watching a movie
CA: and wwhy wwould i evven listen to you?!
TG: two words
TG: radia will make you hold hands
GA: Those Were More Then Two Words
TG: math is for losers

CG: HOW THE FUCK DOES A WIMP LIKE THIS EVEN DEFEND HIMSELF AGAINST THE DARK ARTS?
TG: how does a wimp like that stand up against a classroom of young wizards
GC: 1T MUST B3 4 D3L1C1OUS CH4OS 1N THOS3 CL4SSROOMS
TG: yup
TG: until a properly hardboiled wizard steps in and lays down the rules
GC: H3 BR1NGS TH3 L4W TO TH3 L4WL3SS
TG: detention for everyone
TG: especially you little timmy
TG: that’s what you get for trying to voodoo little sarah
GC: H3 DO3SNT 3V3N C4R3 TH4T S4R4H W4S 4TT3MPT1NG N3CROM4NCY
TG: oh that bitch will get what is coming for her
TG: no one escapes the hardboiled wizard teacher
TT: Dave, have you somehow neglected to actually watch this movie?
TG: shit lalonde it was the most popular thing on the planet and it was all you ever recommended
TT: It was not……..
TG: so naturally i assumed it was filled with gay wizards cheesy popsongs and analogies for how i personally enjoy the cock
TG: i wasn’t exactly in a hurry to go and watch that
TG: otm we doing a matahton bitches
TG: please don’t

CG: HUH….. THIS IS ACTUALLY RATHER PLEASANTLY FILMED.
CG: THE MUSIC IS NICE, THE ATMOSPHERE IS WONDERFUL AND THE CAMERA PERFECTLY EMPHASIZES THE STRANGENESS OF THIS WIZARD COMMUNITY.
TG: yesh!
TG: careful optinisn ftw
CC: c’mon nubs. yer on my side remember?
TG: hes alolwed to have his ipinoins!
TG: *opinions
CG: I CAN SPEAK FOR MYSELF LALONDE.

TA: well that2 a face no mother can love
TA: ii mean iit ii2 a decent practiical effect but ju2t look at that face
GC: 4R3 TH31R NO W1Z4RDS WORK1NG 1N TH3 B4NK?
GC: JUST GOBL1NS?
GC: TH1S R33KS OF R4C14L PROF1L1NG
GC: YOU 4R3 4 GOBL1N SO YOU MUST B3 WORK1NG 1N TH3 F1N4NC14L D1STR1CT B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 4 GOBL1N
CC: try sayin trigger pyrope seaquel.
CC: try sayin trigger one coddamn time.
CC: sea w)(at )(appens.

CC: )(ot damn, our lil guppy is LOAD-ED.
CA: made significantly less impressivve in that he inherited evverythin from his lusii.
CC: i am kinda surprised with ya ampora.
CC: you are not as pat)(etic as yer dancestor.
CC: of course, the sandbar )(ad been set so low it could touc)( the oceanfloor…
TA: oh tru2t u2 he ii2 2tiill pretty pathetiic
CA: sol i swwear to god
CG: NO, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE WITH SOLLUX.
CA: oh come on!
CA: dav help me out here
TG: who the fuck is dav
AA: y0u need to remain impartial as an auspistice dave
TG: man fine whatever
TG: sollux you are easily as pathetic as eridan and you two would deserve each other would it not make the rest of us feel queezy
TG: now continue watching the movie
TA: goddamniit 2triider who taught you how to be an au2pii2tiice
TG: you dont spent three years on a rock with trolls without picking up a few things
TG: well unless your consistently drunk
TG: you probably miss a few things then
TT: Why thank you Dave, I do feel a lot better now.
TT: Either my status as godtier has completely restored my liver or a strong alcohol tolerance runs through the family.
TG: i am soooo not tocuhing on this one

TA: background mu2iic ii2 goiing ape2hiit.
TA: iit2 ju2t a 2mall leather bag guy2 not the ark of the fuckiing covenant.
AA: heh

CA: the wwand picks the wwizard?
CA: wwhat kind of stupid reasoning is that
CA: wwhat if the wwand breaks?
CA: then you havve broken the wwand that picked you
GA: Eridan You Posses A Pile Of Wands
GA: Surely You Understand They Are Mass Produced

CA: that’s wwhere you are wwrong kan
CA: olivvander says it himself
CA: the phoenix that provvided the feather for that wwand only dropped 1 other feather
CA: meaning that there can be a grand total of twwo wwands wwith the exact same properties
GA: Well As You See He Can Use Other Wands
CA: granted but not as efficient as his true wwand or wwhatevver
CA: meanin that wwizards are at their most effectivve wwith their first wwand
GA: I
GA: Rose Help Me Out Here
TT: Actually, Eridan seems to have the right idea.
GA: What
CG: WHAT?!
TA: what
CA: EAT IT!
TG: ya, matter of fact it actulay becomes la plot point in a latter movevie.
GA: And How Many Movies Are There
TT: Eight.
GA: I See
GA: That Is Quite Extensive
CG: SOMEWHERE SERKET IS SMILING BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHY.
TG: seben books thouh

CG: IDIOT CAN’T EVEN SPELL IT.
TT: It begs the question as to how he even made it to his third year…..
CG: WHAT?!
TT: Apologies. Plotpoints from the third movie.
TA: 2omeone triied to kiill me and all ii got wa2 thii2 lou2y 2car
TA: dark wiizard iin power, magiic a22a22iinatiion, ii feel liike we mii22ed a much more iintere2tiing moviie
CC: t)(ank cod, a captor t)(at speaks sense.

TG: first introduchion of the weasels.
TG: man I luv these guys.
CG: THE WHO?
TG: no that’s a band
CG: WHAT?!
TG: get your facts straight man
TG: your embarrassing us
TT: They are a very sympathetic family of pureblood wizards.
TT: they are not expanded upon in this film but from the second movie onwards they are very supportive of Harry.
CC: can we PL—EASE stick wit)( t)(is movie?
TG: aaaw, I was actually thinkin of dong them all
TG: your just afraid you mihgt liek them.
TG: ouch!
GC: NO ON3 1S 3X3MPT FROM TH3 DRUBB1NGS

TG: aaaaaaaaaaaw
TG: he’s so cute!
TA: ii dont 2ee iit
TG: look closer omg!
TT: He really grows a lot during these movies.
GC: H3 H4S TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS H41R
TG: christ i forgot
TG: of course terezi was going to flip a lid if she ever found out humans can have red hair
CG: SO HE’S GONNA BE HARRY’S MATESPRIT OR SOMETHING?
TT: I wish.
TG: i wish
CA: shippers…….

CG: SO NOW THEY BOND ABOUT HIM BEING THE PROPHET REINCARNATED AND RICH ENOUGH TO BUY UP THE CANDY CART.
CG: BECAUSE THAT IS HOW HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS ARE FORMED.
TA: maybe they’ll 2tart a cult
TA: that would be epiic
TT: I’ll refrain from mentioning the order of the phoenix.
TA: fuck
CA: wwhat is the point of havvin candy that jumps awway from you?
CA: or candy that tastes like bile?
TG: its funneh?
CA: or images that don’t stay in one place
TT: It is more life-like?
TA: seriiou2ly, have the2e people never heard of giif2?

GA: What Is Wrong With Her Voice
TT: A classical british accent.
CG: WHAT A CONDESCENDING LITTLE BITCH.
CC: fuckin s)(ow-off is w)(at s)(e is.
CC: cod, s)(e makes our lil rogue look good.
TG: this was hermiyowne before she became 100% hot.
CA: this little wwitch?
TG: google it
TG: cause i kinda agree
CA: ………………………….
GA: Eridan Are You Alright
CA: yeah yeah a course
GA: You Suddenly Became So Quiet
CA: i’m fine god
CA: you are not my moirail woman
GA: I Apologize
GA: I Was Merely Concerned

CA: (they can nevver knoww)

CG: DEAR GOD THIS LOOKS JAW-DROPPINGLY GORGEOUS.
TT: I don’t have the heart to tell him that it's only a model.

TA: so iin2tead of promotiing uniity among our 2mall group of 2tudent2 we diiviide you up and make you compete agaiin2t one another
TA: wiizards are diick2
TG: (told ya, typical ravenclaw attitude)
TT: (Alright, so that’s Sollux. What about Meenah?)
TG: (you need to ask?)
TT: (Ok, so she’s slytherin with me and Eridan. I still think Karkat would work better in Huffelpuff)
TG: (yes, but he has that typical gryffondor atitute and free choize is still a thin with teh hat.)
TT: (So Terezi, Karkat and Dave are Gryffindor. Kanaya is Huffelpuff but what is Aradia.)
TG: radia, what hogwarts house you at?
AA:
TT: I don’t think she heard you.
AA: results inc0nclusive
AA: suggest ravenclaw h0use
TT: Oh. Ok then.
TG: sollux needed the compananny anyway
TA: what are you two talkiing about.
TT: Nothing.
TG: nothinq!
AA: 0ur hyp0thetical h0uses in h0gwarts
TA: and people call me a dork

CG: OH HI, I’M GONNA BE YOUR ANTAGONIST.
TT: Well he isn’t for at least five movies.
CG: LET’S GET THROUGH THIS ONE FIRST BEFORE YOU START OOZING YOUR ENTHUSIASMSPUNK FOR A HARRY POTTER MARATHON THAT IS NEVER GOING TO OCCUR.
TT: Enthusiasmspunk?
CG: NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M ON ABOUT, GO THE FUCK AWAY.
CC: s)(it, )(e’s the first guy t)(at speaks seanse. t)(at red)(ead is a dork, t)(is guy seams to know w)(at’s w)(at.
TG: typical slythrin
CC: w)(at kinda dumb )(uman insult is t)(at?
GC: 1T 1SN’T 4N 1NSULT
GC: 1S 1T ROXY? >:]
TG: sign
TG: no it isnt
GC: GOOD
GC: H1S H41R 1S 1NCR3D1BLY BLOND THOUGH
GC: 4LMOST 4S 1F
GC: HMMMMMMMMMM
TG: shit
TG: terezi don’t fucking do it
GC: 1MM4 DO 1T
TG: don’t

TG: christ
GC: H4H4H4HH44H4H4H4H4 OH D4V3
GC: TH1S 1S YOU!!!
TG: lmao perfuct

CA: jegus he looks like he can drop dead at any moment
TG: to soon man
CA: wwhat?!
TG: that so insensimitive!
CA: I didn’t do anything!
TT: The original actor died between the second and third movie.
TT: After his death they had to cast someone else to play Dumbledore for the remainder of the series.
CA: wwell howw wwas I supposed to knoww that?!
GA: It Appears That There Is Something Deadly In The School
GA: A School Need I Remind You Housing Hundreds Of Children
GA: How Is That
GA: Just
GA: Why
TT: That is without taking the basilisk in account.
CG: BASILISKS ARE PUSSIES. BY ROUGH ESTIMATE I KILLED A METRIC FUCKLOAD OF THEM DURING THE GAME.

TA: aa, you ok?
AA: im fine
TA: you are 2hakiing iin your cha2ii2
AA: i am c0ntaining my rage
TA: what for?
AA: that man
AA: that man
AA: enter c0mmand: murder
AA: abort c0mmand: murder
AA: standby f0r further data
TA: aa?
AA: replay G0T 3-9
AA: the n0rth remembers!
AA: the n0rth remembers!
TA: aa your 2cariing me.

TG: swoonami
CC: ……………
TG: waht?
CC: i am not glubbin givin you kudos for the pun
CC: #noway #uncool #nokudos4u
TG: i am legitnametly swooning ovur here for aaln rickman!
TT: *Alan
TG: dat voice!
TG: dose eyes!
TG: yeah but harry doesn’t like him
TG: subtle foreshadowing?
TG: what is that?
TG: never heard off
TG: we are just throwing the obvious badguy in your face
CG: IT IS KINDA FUCKING OBVIOUS YEAH. THE MAN THAT SEEMS TO HAVE A FUCKING AURA OF DARKNESS AND TALKS LIKE A SATURDAY EVENING CARTOONVILLAIN MIGHT BE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.
TT: Oh you poor souls.

GC: 1T 1SNT 4 B4D TH1NG TO T4LK TO 1N4N1M4T3 OBJ3CTS
GC: 1T ST4RTS B31NG 4 PROBL3M WH3N TH3Y ST4RT T4LK1NG B4CK HOW3V3R

CG: AND SO THEIR SCHOOL LIFE BEGINS.
CG: PLOT? WHAT PLOT? THERE IS NO PLOT TO BE FOUND IN RANDOM MAGIC SCHOOL HIJINX.
TT: Admittedly, this portion is largely world-and-characterbuilding.
TT: However, there are a few hints about the plot at large strown about. It never feels like it wasting your time.
CG: AND YET WASTING MY FUCKING TIME IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
TT: Just trust me on this alright?
GA: It Is Odd Seeing You So Willing To Defend Something Rose
TT: Well, I shamefully admit that this series is my kryptonite.
TT: Alas, I am not always the woegothic I appear to be. Truly this must come as a terrible shock to every living soul in our present company.
AA: ribbit
TT: Can you ever forgive me for deceiving your jaded eyes?
TG: wordplay
GA: Of Course Dear
GA: I May Even Let You Show Me The Rest Of The Series

TG: nnnnggggh!!!
TG: GOG DAT VOICE!!!!!
GC: OH 1 H34R 1T >:]
GC: D3L1C1OUS
GA: He Does Single Out Harry A Bit
GA: Does He Perhaps Harbor Some Resentment Towards Him
TT: Oh, he does.
CG: BECAUSE HE IS THE OBVIOUS VILLAIN OF THE WEEK.

TG: how convenient that it appears on the front page
TG: yup burglars broke into an empty fucking vault
TG: any protagonists listening in may consider this a hint for the further development of the plot
GC: TH3 CLU3S 4R3 JUST THROWN 4T H1M
TG: well duh
TG: itsh liek the super wizard bank, impossibre to break in
TA: yet iit got broken iinto.
TG: so its news
GA: So The Package Hagrid Picked Up Will Bear Some Significance To The Plot
TA: yeah no 2hiit

CG: MORE GODDAMN MAGIC CLASSES
GA: I Actually Think It Is Rather Charming
TT: The brooms behave like horses, in that they sense the confidence and attitude of their rider.
TT: Without the right amount of composure the students fail to even lift their brooms from the ground.
CA: you can practically see the fuckin wwires
CC: seariously )(orribubble effects
TG: its an older movie!
CC: w)(ale I can sea t)(at!
GC: G1RLS
TG: yes ma’am

CG: YOU DON'T LEAVE WRIGGLERS ALONE LIKE THIS, MAGIC OR OTHERWISE.
TA: malfoy beiing a diick for no rea2on
TA: liike some other hiighblooded a22hole we know
CA: oh here wwe go again
CA: evverone saww right
CA: he wwants to go
CA: wwell fine lets do this
CA: come at me sol!
TA: iit wa2 ju2t a 2niide comment douche
CA: oh no, wwe are doin this
TG: radia do the thing
AA: d0ing the thing
TA: what!?
CA: wwhat!?
TG: you two are holding hands till you make out
TG: or till the movie is over
TG: your mother and i can go either way
TT: Getting really freudian here brother mine.
CA: fuck it
CA: i am not apologizing to this pissblood
TA: aa 2eriiou2ly, 2top thii2!
AA: n0
TA: plea2e??
AA: n0
TA: come on!! ii am 2o not apologiiziing to thii2 a22hole!
TG: holding hands it is
GA: I Fear Dave Might Be Setting A New Precedent For Auspistism
GA: It Is Rather Inspiring

CG: OF COURSE HE IS A FUCKING NATURAL AT BROOMSTICK RIDING. WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE HAVE TO TRY AND DEVELOP HIS TALENTS?
CG: AND HIS PUNISHMENT FOR SO BLATANTLY DISREGARDING THE *ONE* THING HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO DO?
CG: HE GETS A PLACE IN THE WIZARDBALL TEAM.
TG: *quidmitch
CC:*squidmitch
TT: *quidditch
CG: I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT WIZARDBALL IS CALLED.
CG: THIS KID GETS EVERYTHING SERVED ON A SILVER PLATTER. IT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING HOW LITTLE HE HAS TO WORK FOR IT.

TG: oh man
TG: it just keeps happening

CC: damn t)(ats an ugly mot)(erfucker
GA: Well Now We Know What Is On The Third Floor
CG: I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE NONSENSICAL EXPLANATION ABOUT WHY A GIANT MAN-EATING CERBERUS IS SOMEHOW NEEDED INSIDE A SCHOOL!
TT: Well, what role did the Cerberus serve in Alternian mythology?
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MYTHOLOGY?
TT: Of course.
CA: sol stop that
TA: ii am not doiing anythiing
CA: you keep tappin your finger against my hand
CA: its annoyin
TA: well you keep moviing up again2t me a2 well so ii fuckiing gue22 we are annoyiing each other
TG: aradia
TG: get creative
CA: OH FUCK
CA: OUR HEADS? REALLY?
TA: chrii2t ii thought we were friiends aa!
TG: just tell each other your sorry and we can continue watching the movie
CA: NEVVER!!
TG: then at least behave so radia wont tape your mouths shut
TG: better idea
TG: I’ll make you guys listen to some homemade dubstep remixes if you continue kicking each other’s shins like two toddlers on a unsupervised playing ground
CC: I am SO glubbin glad we )(ave you as ausfishtice pyrope
CC: #dodgedabullet

CG: INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO PLAY WIZARDBALL.
CG: BECAUSE IT WAS SUCH A THRILLING SUBJECT THE FIRST TIME.

TG: ron is a dick to his ladyfriend
TG: you’d think they would acknowledge their friendship at this point
TG: the three of them escaped a cerberus
TG: you know how that brings people together
CG: PLOT OH WHERE THE FUCK ART THOU
TG: patince kitkat

TT: Ok….. I do not wish to alarm anyone.
TT: Just try to keep an open mind.
TA: why
TA: what ii2 happeniing?
CA: sol quit talkin
CA: ar can you at least givve us some breathin space?
TT: Our folklore had a…… slightly different portrayal of trolls.
TT: Truth be told, I don’t believe there are any sources that indicate you being a race of grey skinned, orange horned humanoids with a different system for romance and multicolored blood.
CC: you like hearin yours)(ellf talk or somefin?
CC: #smellslikevantas
CC: Get to t)(e point.
TT: What I am getting at…… We didn’t know at the time, alright?
CG: DIDN’T KNOW WHAT?
CG: WHAT ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT?

CG: HOOFBEASTMANURE!
TG: phahahahahahahahahahahahaha
CG: YOU TELLING ME THAT THIS IS HOW HUMANITY PRE-SGRUB PORTRAYED US?
TG: perty much
CG: YOUR ASSHOLE PLANET DESERVED TO BE DESTROYED!!
CC: you are takin wave too muc)( pleasure in t)(is guppy
TG: well there is SUM likeness
TG: ouch!
CC: ow!
GC: QU13T OR 1’LL FOLLOW D4V3’S 3X4MPL3
TG: shit you know it
TG: grade a auspistice right here
CG: FOCUS PEOPLE!
CG: WE ARE BEING OPENLY MOCKED BY HUMAN CULTURE HERE! PORTRAYING OUR PROUD RACE AS VILE, MORONIC, NOOKSLURPING GREEN BEASTS WITH FUNNY EARS!
GA: Has It Been Confirmed That They Slurp Nook
CG: NOT THE FUCKING POINT!

CA: wwhy didn’t they fuckin tell someone else
CA: there is still someone in the bathrooms so wwe havve to go help her seems like a perfect excuse to get some more firepower in this situation
TA: alriight ii thiink ii got iit
TA: the chiick ii2 the clever one, the redhead ii2 the dumb one and harry ii2 the actiion one.
TT: Superego, id and ego respectively. A classic set up in human popculture.
TG: but ron isnt reelly dumb
TT: No, but he does represent the id.
CG: NO, I AM NOT DEBATING THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. I AM STILL PISSED OFF.
CC: i told you t)(is flick was gonna blow
CC: #likeawhale
CG: I THOUGHT YOU HAD OTHER REASONS TO DISLIKE IT.
CC: o)(?
CG: YOU’RE WAXING SO BLACK FOR LALONDE IT IS HONESTLY KINDA EMBERASSING.
CC: W)(AT?!
CC: me, wit)( t)(at beac)(?!
CC: #areyouforreal?
CG: I AM JUST SAYING. IF YOU ARENT ATTEMPTING TO HATESNOG WHEN THIS AUSPISTISM IS OVER I WILL BE VERY DISAPPOINTED.
TG: uhm……
CG: OUCH, FUCK! WHAT THE HELL?!
GC: DON’T 1MP3D3 ON MY T3RR1TORY
CG: YOU JUST FUCKING HIT ME IN THE HEAD AND—OW FUCK!
GC: TH3 DRUBB1NGS W1LL CONT1NU3

GC: 4ND SO TH3 M4SS1V3 B34ST G3TS SL41N BY TH3 POW3R OF GR4V1TY
CG: FUCK YOUR DRUBBINGS AND FUCK THIS MOVIE.
TA: 2ay iif anyone want2 to help me and ed get un2tuck that would be cool
TG: have you made up yet?
CA: no
TG: then we are not helping
CA: you are the wworst auspistice
GA: Why Does Hermione Feel Compelled To Lie And Say She Did Something Stupid
TG: to covvr for ron and happy doin sometin stupid
GA: She Could Have Just Said She Was Still In The Bathroom When The Announcement Was Made
GA: The Only Thing That Would Have Changed Would Be That Gryffindor Had Not Lost Five Points

GC: D4MN H4RRY 1S M4K1NG 4 LOT OF 4SSUMPT1ONS 4BOUT SN4P3 H3R3
GC: WH4T 1F H3 S1MPLY BUMP3D H1S L3G 4G41NST 4 T4BL3?
GC: H3 PROB4BLY H4SN’T BUT H3 WOULD LOOK PR3TTY STUP1D 1F H3 D1D
GA: And All Of This Gathered By Observing Snape’s Limp
GA: Truly He Is Akin To The Human Sherlock Holmes

GA: The Flying Effects Are Surprisingly Adequate
GC: Y34H W1Z4RDB4LL 4CTU4LLY LOOKS L1K3 4 LOT OF FUN
CC: i’d like to see em do this stuff underwater. t)(at would be impressive 38)
CC: #drownball
CG: THE SLYTHERIN TEAM BLATANTLY BREAKS THE RULES.
CG: I THINK.
CG: ARE THERE RULES IN WIZARDBALL?
TG: of course!
CG: IS A PLAYER OTHER THAN THE BATTER ALLOWED TO BAT?
TG: err….. iunno
GA: It Seems Very Unsportsmanlike
GA: Yet The Slytherins Are Cheering It On
TA: well duh
TA: they are the de2iignated eviil team

CG: AND NO SNAPE IS EVEN CASTING CURSES ON HARRY.
CG: THEY REALLY FUCKING SHOVE HIM INTO YOUR FACE AS THE VILLAIN.
GC: 1ND33D
GC: 4LMOST 4S 1F……….. >:O
TG: ow what the?!
TG: i wasn’t tyin her braisd togther honest!
GC: TH4T 1S V3RY SN34KY MRS BUBBL3GUM
TG: i no but she doesnt know yet
GC: TH3 V1LL41N 1S H1D1NG 1N PL41N S1GHT
TT: So you noticed
GC: Y3S
TT: Well played.
GC: WHY TH4NK YOU

CG: BULLSHIT.
CG: HE JUST HAPPENS TO FALL AND CATCH THE SNITCH IN HIS MOUTH!?
CG: KISS MY ASS MOVIE.

GA: Hagrid Is Not The Sharpest Cutting Utensil In The Shed Is He
TG: nop
TG: seriously
TG: you have to try really fucking hard to make as many slip-ups as he does
TG: where did the name nicholas flamel ever get mentioned?
TG: all he had to do was not mention that name
TG: he had one job

CG: MORE GODDAMN GREAT THINGS THAT JUST FLY IN THE LAP OF OUR NEW LORD AND SAVIOR HARRY POTTER: THE CHILD THAT NEVER DID ANYTHING OF GREAT SIGNIFICANCE.
TG: but he destoyet lard voldermurt
CG: HE NEVER DID ANYTHING HE WAS AWARE OFF. FOR FUCK’S SAKE, HE HASN’T CASTED A SINGLE SPELL ALL MOVIE BUT IS PRESENTED AS SOME SORT OF MAGIC PRODIGY.

CA: the restricted section isn’t vvery restricted
CA: he just opened the door and wwalked in wwithout a problem
CA: isn’t there an alarm spell or somethin they could havve casted on the door?
TA: and carryiing that torch around kiinda defeat2 the purpo2e of haviing an iinvii2iibiiliity cloak.

CG: OF COURSE THIS JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE THE EXACT SAME NIGHT AND LOCATION AS SNAPE’S AND QUIRRELL’S PLANNED BLACK DATE.
CG: HOW FUCKING AWKWARD.
CC: just )(ow tall is )(arry to look down on t)(em like that?

CG: AND OF FUCKING COURSE, IT JUST SO FUCKING HAPPENS THAT THERE IS A POWERFUL MAGICAL ARTIFACT RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
CG: THE MOVIE ISN’T EVEN FUCKING TRYING ANYMORE!
TT: Just let him Roxy.
TG: i wasn’t goin too
TT: You were.
TG: ok i ttlly was
TG: sue me
TT: I don’t think you actually dislike the movie Karkat.
CG: COME AGAIN?!
TT: I think you are criticizing the film because you want it to be better.
CG: WELL OF COURSE. THAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF CRITIQUING!
CG: AND IT IS ACTUALLY KINDA TOUCHING TO SEE HIM REACT TO IMAGES OF HIS LUSII, THE ATMOSPHERE IS BRILIANT AND THE MUSIC SUPPORTS IT PERFECTLY.
CG: BUT IT MAKES NO SENSE FOR THAT FUCKING MIRROR TO BE THERE!

CG: SEE? EVEN DUMBERDORE SAYS IT AND EVEN WARNS FOR ITS ADDICTIVE QUALITIES.
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU STORE AN ADDICTIVE MIRROR IN THE LIBRARY?
GC: W3LL M4YB3 1T 1S P4RT OF TH3 R3STR1CT3D S3CT1ON
GC: STUD3NTS 4R3NT 4LLOW3D 1N TH3R3 R1GHT?
CC: T)(en w)(y t)(e glub create a )(uge section in t)(e sc)(ool library w)(ere fis)(es aren’t allowed to swim around?
CC: #aremetaphorspuns #sophilosophical #almostfallingasleep
TT: I do not remember if they explain this in great lengths in the books.
TT: But they definitely should.

GA: And Hermione Declares That Little Distraction Incredibly Useless
GA: Because She Had The Book Herself
CG: THAT CONVENIENTLY JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE A DETAILED EXPLANATION ABOUT THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE.
CG: BECAUSE HARRY IS SO THICK EVERY FACT NEEDS TO BE RUBBED IN HIS FACE UNTIL HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM!
TA: waiit a miinute
TA: phiilo2opher’2 2tone?
TA: what ii2 the tiitle of thii2 moviie agaiin?
TG: the sorcererer’s stone
TA: iif everythiing wa2 about the phiilo2opher’2 2tone all along then what the fuck ii2 the 2orcerer’2 2tone?
TT: They are one and the same.
TA: iis iit ever refered to a2 the 2orcerer’2 2tone?
TT: …………
TA: ii thought 2o.

CC: )(agrid we needs information aboat t)(e saucerer’s—
CC: O)( s)(iney.
CC: #attentionspan

GC: 4444444W
GC: 1T 1S B34UT1FUL
GC: 1 JUST W4NN4 C4LL 1T GR33NF4NG 4ND HUG 1T 4ND LOV3 1T 4ND R41S3 1T
TG: hahahahaha
GC: 4ND R1D3 1T 4ND US3 1T TO F1GHT CR1M3 4ND BR1NG JUST1C3 TO CR1M1N4LS W1TH 1T
TG: never change terezi
GA: And Then Draco Has To Go And Tell On Them
TG: fucking narc
GA: Have They Broken Any Rules
TT: They weren’t supposed to go out at night.
GA: And That Is Worth Punishment
TT: Evidently so.

CA: so the punishment for goin out at night is more goin out at night
CA: wwhat unconventional thinkin of the hogwwarts staff
CC: and t)(ey clam its fuckin dangerous
CC: t)(ey said earlier t)(at first years are forbidden to go to t)(e forest because it is so dangerous!
CC: t)(is makes no seanse!
CC: #seriously #wth

CC: w(ale now )(e’s gonna die because of your stupid punfishment.
TG: punfishment?
TG: rly?
CC: s)(ut it, t)(at was fuckin cas)(.
CG: OH COME ON
CG: HOW ARE THEY GETTING AWAY WITH THIS SHIT?
CG: YOU CAN PRACTICALLY SEE THE STRINGS ON THAT SHADE!!!
CG: YOU CAN'T FUCKING EXPECT ME TO TAKE THIS PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT PUPPETRY SERIOUSLY
TG: let's not talk about puppets alright
TT: ;)

CG: AND WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT FAIRY EXPLANATION IS THAT ABOUT UNICORN BLOOD.
CG: THIS IS NOT THE CAREBEARS. BEING CURSED BY BLOOD IS OK BUT GETTING CURSED BECAUSE THE BLOOD WAS OF AN INNOCENT IS JUST. FUCKING. STUPID.
GC: 1S TH3R3 SUCH 4 TH1NG 4S 4N 1NNOC3NT >:]
CC: o)( look t)(ere is a musclebeast.
CC: aaaaaand )(e’s gone.
GA: Perhaps He Had Somewhere To Butler
AA: they simply make the best butlers there are

GC: OK SO H3 F1GUR3D OUT TH4T SN4P3 KNOWS HOW TO G3T P4ST TH3 DOG W1THOUT L34RN1NG 4NYTH1NG N3W TO COM3 TO TH1S CONCLUS1ON
CG: HAGRID MUST BE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN THE UNIVERSE TO CONSTANTLY SPOUT VITAL FUCKING INFORMATION TO PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HEAR IT!
TG: its impleid he was durnk.
CG: NOT HELPING HIS CASE!
CC: also t)(is some)(ow )(appened between t)(at point and t)(e c)(ristmas troll
CG: THAT THING WAS NOT A TROLL
CC: so some)(ow we have to bereef snape )(ad a dragon egg ready to give to )(agrid
TA: he even make2 a poiint of 2ayiing how rare they are
TT: Alright, alright. The movie has a lot of flaws.
TG: but its so good!!!
TT: It really is.
TG: watchin the series is like a magical jounry
TT: The plots get a lot more solid
TG: teh characters gorw up
CG: YES, BUT JUDGED ON ITS OWN MERITS THIS FILM IS FUCKING CLUNKY.

GC: MOR3 1N YOUR F4C3 V1LL41N L1N3S FROM SN4P3
TG: seriously
TG: this guy couldn’t have diner at his parents without sounding sinister about it
TG: ‘thanks for the peas ma. they are delicious……. Mwahahahahahahaha’
CA: so they are goin dowwn the hatch tonight
CA: givvin snape enough time to pick up the stone and make his escape from the school wwithout anyone stopping him

TA: random other gryffiindor that po2e2 no threat what2oever
CG: YEAH, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE A USEFUL SPELL.
CG: IF SHE CASTS THAT ON SNAPE THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE
GC: SO OF COURS3 SH3 COMPL3T3LY FORG3TS SH3 H4S 1T

TG: and so begins the finale
TG: with terrible terrible shenanigans

CC: yikes
CC: w)(y does t)(is make me t)(ink of megido’s movie collection?
CC: #seenenoughhentai
AA: my m0viec0llecti0n?
CC: not you t)(e otter one.
CC: speakin a w)(ic)( you aren’t crazy like s)(e is rig)(t?
CC: #rottenthinkpans #fo’real
AA: n0
CC: but you are not like your weird spunky pixie s)(ellf eit)(er?
AA: n0
CC: t)(en w)(at’s your deal? you are just quietly watc)(in t)(e movie like nofin matters
AA: yes
CC: w)(ale t)(at is fuckin borin
CC: you are borin me
CC: #snore #lame
AA: yes
CC: don’t i piss you off?
AA: n0
CC: GA)(
CC: you mig)(t just be my least favorite megido until i aks)(elly talk to dams again
GC: 1 C4N S33 WHY YOU 4ND VR1SK4 4R3 FR13NDS

TG: this trial is fucking stupid
TG: how did snape even pass this
TG: seems to take a fair amount of skill and he doesn’t seem agile enough
TG: was he a famous quidditch player back in the day
TG: did he cheat
TG: and if you can cheat then why bother with the trial at all

CA: oh chess. classic wway to tests ones intelligence.
TA: 2o what, you faiil at iit?
TG: you know radia will let you go the moment you guys say sorry right?
CA: actually it gets rather comfortable after a wwhile
TA: 2peak for your2elf
TA: ii would almo2t con2iider apologiiziing ii ed wa2n’t 2uch a horriible per2on
CA: you knoww if i reply to that ar probably mashes our crotches together and i really don’t wwant that
CA: so i’m gonna be the bigger troll and let that comment slide
TA: eh faiir poiint
TA: truce untiil the moviie ii2 over

TG: ron just sacrifished a pawn to schek if its wizsard chess or not
CC: *prawn
TG: wat?
CC: if yer gonna do fis)(puns ya betta do them w)(ale
TG: errr…. tahnks?
GC: DON’T M1ND M3 1 4M JUST W4TCH1NG
CC: nofin to sea )(ere pyrope
GA: Despite That Being A Test To See On What Level of Danger They Are Operating
GA: It Was Not An Intelligent Move Considering What Is At Stake
GA: One Wonders Why Hermione Is Not Taking Command Considering Her Intelligence

TG: oh bullshit
CG: OH BULLSHIT
TG: when did he create an empathic link with his horse to actually get wounded when it is struck down
TG: that is some neon genesis evangelion shit over there
CG: IN THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HIS LEG ON THE SIDE OF THE HORSE’S EXIT WOUND GOT BRUISED.
CG: WALK IT OF YOU GODDAMN BLABBERING PANSY!

CA: you are a great wwizard harry my fins
CA: he hasn’t casted a single spell in the ENTIRE FUCKIN movvie
TG: see this is were hermiaone got screwd
TG: nice
TG: next to rons unconscious bod
TT: Figuratively……
TG: that is less funny
TT: She is thirteen.
TG: she is also not real
TG: and a wizard
TG: anyho
TG: in the books there was one mor trial
TG: a logci test invlvin poisons wich she solved
TG: now shes just bein sent away for no good reasn

CG: OH BULLSHIT
CG: YOUR TELLING ME THAT THIS STUTTERING GODDAMN NOOKFART WAS THE ONE BREAKING INTO THE NOT-SO IMPREGNABLE VAULT AND WAS BEHIND THE THING-THAT-I-REFUSE-TO-CALL-A-FUCKING-TROLL?!
CG: KISS MY ASS MOVIE.
GC: H3 W4S 4LW4YS TH3R3
CG: WHAT?!
GC: WH3N H4RRY’S SC4R HURT 4FT3R TH3 SORT1NG C3R3MONY QU1RR3LL W4S S1TT1NG R1GHT N3XT TO SN4P3
GC: QU1RR3LL 4LSO K3PT UNBL1NK1NG 3Y3CONT4CT W1TH H4RRY WH3N H1S BROOM W4S M4LFUNCT1ON1NG
GC: 4ND WH4T W3 4SSUM3D TO B3 SN4P3 THR34TN1NG FOR 1NFORM4T1ON W4S 1N F4CT SN4P3 THR34TN1NG H1M TO C34S3 H1S 4TT3MPTS
CG: STILL, AFTER ALL THE FUCKING BUILD-UP THIS FEELS LIKE A FUCKING COP-OUT
TT: You will need to wait five more movies if you wish to see Snape take the villain mantle.
CG: I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO WATCH ONE MORE HARRY GODDAMN POTTER MOVIE, EVEN IF MY ENTIRE COLLECTION SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED AND EVERY DISC THAT ISN’T OWNED BY A STRIDER GETS SCRATCHED!
TG: ah that’s swell
TG: youd watch my hella ironic movies
CG: I THINK I RATHER CHEW MY OWN LEGS OFF AND DIE OF BOREDOM.

CA: howw does this mirror evven wwork
CA: suddenly his biggest desire isn’t bein wwith his lussii
TA: ii2 iit context 2en2iitiive? cau2e ii dont thiink 2ecuriing the 2tone ii2 hii2 top priioriity riight now.
TA: kiinda thiink he ju2t want2 to 2tay aliive now.
TA: con2iideriing the ciircum2tances at the tiime harry 2houldn’t even have 2een hii2 parent2 iin the miirror
TA: he would have 2een hiim2elf readiing the book about niichola2 flamel or 2afe iin hii2 bed after e2capiing that man aa hate2 for 2ome rea2on
AA: death t0 the freys
CA: i don’t knoww wwhat the rules are anymore
CA: a door to a forbidden setion of the liibrary cant have an alarm spell but a mirror can somehow materialize a powwerful magical artifact in his fuckin pockets
CA: wwhat are the limitations and rules a this magic?
TG: there arent any rly
TA: well that2 ju2t 2tupiid!

CG: OK, NOT GONNA LIE…. THAT IS KINDA COOL.
CG: THE WAY THEY USE THIS MIRROR, THE PRACTICAL EFFECT OF HIS SECOND FACE AND THE VOICE THEY CHOSE TO GO WITH IT ACTUALLY MAKE THIS A SUITABLY EPIC FINAL BOSS FIGHT.
TG: phahahahaha oh man that is epic
TG: can you imagine having that thing on you at all times
TG: taking it with you under the shower
TG: making love with a nice lady wizard
TG: would it take control if you get drunk
TG: hey
TG: would it react if you drop a really eggy fart?
CG: AND AS WITH EVERYTHING STRIDER RUINS IT.
CA: at least harry wwill actually cast a spell for once right?

TA: nop
TA: he gets choked liike an iidiiot
CC: s)(it’s not even a magical death. wth movie.

CG: OK?
GC: WH4T 1S H4PP3N1NG?
GA: Is That Supposed To Happen
CA: the shit
TA: the hell?
CC: glubbin )(ell
CC: #deusexmachina

TA: well 2crew castiing 2pells apparently
TA: harry potter kiill2 a man wiith hii2 bare hand2
TG: the manliest way to kill a person
TG: but seriously
TG: how the fuck does he do that
TT: Oh dear……
TG: uhm….. it makes sens in the univrse?
TT: I am not looking forward to that explanation.

TG:” Aaaaaaaah taht non fysical prssnce rly hurts for som reason”
TG: “Aaaaaaaaah I’ll retun 3 movevies from now”

CG: ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING FOR REAL? THE POWER OF LOVE SOMEHOW MANIFESTS AS THE ABILITY TO BREAK A PERSON APART LIKE HE WAS A SHITTY SANDSCULPTURE? WHAT KINDA BULLSHIT CONCEPT OF LOVE DOES THIS OPERATE ON?!
CC: )(ow t)(e fuck do you defend t)(is s)(it blondie?
CC: seariously, the power of love glubbin saved t)(e day
GC: 1T 1S R1GHT UP TH3R3 W1TH 1T 4LL B31NG 4 DR34M >:[
TT: Admittedly this could have been fleshed out a little better.
GC: WH4T WOULD H4V3 H4PP3N3D 1F H4RRY SHOOK H4NDS W1TH QU1RR3LL WH3N TH3Y F1RST M3T?
GC: TH3 MOV13 WOULD B3 OV3R W1TH1N H4LF 4N HOUR
TG: and voldurmort grows immune to it anywyz
TA: but he can 2tiill burn other2 who mean hiim harm
TG: nop
TA: wa2ted oppertuniitiie2

CA: and then he pretty much screwws evveryone else so harry can wwin the house cup
CG: BECAUSE OF COURSE HARRY FUCKING POTTER HAS TO WIN AT EVERYTHING.
GC: 3V3N TH3 STUP1D F4T K1D G3TS PO1NTS FOR G3TT1NG FROZ3N BY H3RM1ON3

CC: now back to yer abusive family kid.
GC: COULDN’T H3 ST4Y W1TH H4GR1D OR SOM3TH1NG
TG: no, itsh a plotpoint in later moives
TG: its a recurring theme
TG: no really one of the gajilion sequels will explain it somehow
TG: and if not maybe the monopoly boardgame trading cards or other merchandise holds the answer to all these questions
TG: aight perhsp i was blinded by nostamgia giggles a bit but i still rly lov the movie
TG: its beautiful and a grt start for teh epic that is harry potter
TG: it gets progresivhly darker and actionier ash the story goes on and prt 5 is still mah favorite but overall the series is great.
CC: w)(ale i t)(ink it is s)(it
TG: of course you do!
GC: MOV13 1S OV3R
GC: NOT MY PROBL3M 4NYMOR3
CA: speakin a wwhich
CA: lil help please ar
TA: aa?
CC: a course I )(ate it guppy.
CC: it is a stupid human movie and one for kids at t)(at
CC: worst a all, )(arry is so incredibubbly boring!!!
CC: #blandymcblanderson
TT: I whole heartidly disagree. In fact, this may be my favorite movie in the series.
CC: W)(ale then I am in no )(urry to watc)( t)(e rest.
TT: Despite it’s lightness of tone, there is a sense of wonder and excitement in the movie.
TT: Everything Harry comes across is fresh, new and mysterious, just as it is for the viewer.
TT: And you really need to learn the difference between ‘kidfriendly’ and ‘for kids’
CC: Pa)(
CC: #whocares
CG: LOOK, I DIDN’T FUCKING HATE THE MOVIE. IT WAS INCREDIBLY ATMOSPHERIC, THE CHILD ACTORS WERE DECENT AND THE SCORE WAS JUST AMAZING.
CG: ALL IN ALL, I’D SAY THIS IS A PRETTY DECENT MOVIE.
CG: BUT IF YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS IS THE BEST HUMAN MOVIE EVER MADE I’M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL YOU A FUCKING LIAR.
TG: noted.
TA: plot wa2 kiinda goofy and all over the map
CA: wwe nevver really learn wwhat the rules and limitations of the magic are
TA: that ii2nt really important
CA: i disagree
TA: al2o aa
TA: you can 2eperate u2 any tiime now
TA: the moviie ii2 over
TG: after the credits
CA: wworst auspistice evver
AA: did you enj0y the m0vie
CA: wwell yeah
CA: i may be on board wwith wwatchin the rest if kan is goin to wwatch them as wwell anywways
GA: Oh
GA: I
GA: I Had Intended To Do So In Private
CA: aaah i see
GA: What
CA: say no more kan
CA: I understand
GA: Understand What
GA: Why Are You Wonking
TT: Do you still want to see the rest of the movies kanaya?
GA: Yes Definitely
GA: I Am Really Curious To Find Out Makes You So Enthusiastic About These Films
TT: I am not thát enthusiastic…..
GA: Of Course You Are Not Dear
GC: SO NO ON3 1S 4SK1NG FOR MY OP1N1ON?
CG: NO
CC: nop
GC: W3LL TOO B4D
GC: 1T W4S
GC: QU1T3 FR4NKLY
GC: D3L1C1OUS
TG: awsome
CG: GREAT. NOW EVERYBODY OUT.
TG: aren’t we doin that who stais longst in the stream gehts to pick next mvie?