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Chapter Text

Ushijima watched from behind Kuroo, the bed headed captain cracking his neck and shoulders moments before the whistle sounded through the court and echoed through its hollowness. Very rarely did Shiratorizawa had training matches or camps against Tokyo teams, but it was a nice change of pace and scenery. The city sure was something to marvel at compared to the countryside like and peaceful Miyagi. Ushijima noted even the behaviours of people living here matched the city, although hard to explain to himself, there was definitely a difference in atmosphere. The Nekoma captain’s gaze landed on the larger captain, taken aback by his size and mentally questioned whether he was just held back a few years in school and was actually an adult. A smirk creeped on his face before he put his bib over his black shirt, readying himself for this practice match. Although it was just a training session, the intensity of the Shiratorizawa team shook Kuroo to the bone, he had never faced a team quite like them, let alone a monster for an ace. Although Lev definitely won in height, he lacked the intimidation and superiority Ushijima seemed to carry with him. May it be intentional or not, it excited Kuroo nonetheless. “The legendary Ushijima Waka-whatever… I’ve heard his spike rips arms off.” Kuroo mumbled to no one in particular, by chance Yaku was nearby to hear him.

“Good luck blocking him.” Yaku patted Kuroo on the back, as much as it was a taunt it was in all seriousness as well. “You’re a good enough blocker anyway, no worries.”

“Same goes for you and receiving, if his serves are as scary as his spikes apparently are.” Kuroo responded, diverting his eyes away from Ushijima and back towards him team. “Not too bothered anyway, if we win we win. If we lose then fuck it.”

“Hah, you say that now. If we lose you’d actually cry… Oh shit he’s looking this way --” Yaku scurried away like a frightened cat spooked by whatever cats get spooked by; everything as a matter of fact. Kuroo was just frozen in a panic at Yaku’s reaction yet found himself too nervous to dare look back at the other captain. It wasn’t everyday there was another captain that could make him so on edge, he’d have been throwing taunts and provocation left right and centre if it weren’t for the unsettling feeling.

Ushijima couldn’t draw his eyes away from the very… unique looking captain, the nest like hair being a first sight for him to witness on anyone yet it strangely suited him. His skin had a warm, pale golden hue to it, and his body was slender and alluring. He just looked so toned all over, especially in the face. His jaw was strong and defined, and his face perfectly proportioned. He finally made his way to his eyes, hazel and almost golden, slanted and sly resembling a scheming cat or something of the sort. They drew Ushijima in, like he could stare into that golden pool of warmth forever, regardless that they made Kuroo look almost villainous. It took several minutes before Ushijima realised how he just managed to analyse almost every part to Kuroo, or at least every part he could see , and wondered to himself how long had he been staring for. A red tint warmed his face as he whipped his head in another direction sheepishly, praying his stares and aweing was overlooked or gone unnoticed.

“Ushiji...ma right? I look forward to a good game with you!” Kuroo’s deep, velvet smooth voice came from beside Ushijima. He held back a gasp and quickly questioned himself how on earth did he get there so fast? “Oh sorry, I’m Kuroo Tet-”

“Tetsurou, yes I know.” Ushijima regained his composure and cleared his throat, turning more towards Kuroo. Now that he was closer and actually in front of him, everything Ushijima analyzed earlier was tripled. Kuroo was truly a work of art from the gods. “Good luck, and have fun.” They shook hands and parted ways with Kuroo giving him a wide toothy grin before departing. It felt nice, although Ushijima couldn't quite smile back he just nodded in acknowledgment. Smiling wasn’t really his thing, and thought that he didn’t really suit smiling regardless if he was happy or not. His rather psychotic occasional grin doesn’t really count towards genuine smiling, he has yet to be faced with a situation to display that vulnerable expression.

.

The so called occasional psychotic grin made a recurring appearance throughout the game, Ushijima struggling to control his brewing excitement. Being one the most powerful aces, it’s not often that he is faced with a challenge, or even something as mere as an obstacle. But Kuroo’s blocking form and technique sparked light into Ushijima’s heart. Blocking was all about timing, and Nekoma’s captain definitely had that covered. Not only did he see where most spikes were going, he was able to put up a stubborn wall. Ushijima was fascinated, marvelled and entertained by this challenge, but a hint of guilt as the longer the game went on for the more spikes got through and was limited at a one touch. Kuroo’s arms were bruised and battered, and trembled with fatigue as Ushijima didn’t dare hold back a single spike, giving each and every one his all. The pain was clear, and Ushijima almost considered laying off a little and going softer. He mentally shook himself and questioned his softness, never has he had to consider going easy on someone, especially a someone who was proven a threat. It genuinely bothered him to hurt Kuroo, even if it was a merciless game. “Ehhhh, Ushijima? What’s that look huh.” Tendou pried, a sly look crossing his face while he lightly punched his captain in the arm. “Relaxing a bit because we’ve basically won?”

“We haven’t won yet.” Ushijima replied firmly, glancing at the scoreboard. Nekoma had done well to win a set, but this 3rd set was leaning heavily on Shiratorizawa’s favour. It had been said Nekoma doesn’t hold any special qualities like teams such as Shiratorizawa, but Ushijima can firmly deny that belief. A lot of the players may not stand out, but the team definitely does. There is no single imbalance to them that falters along the way, as long as they support each other they hold themselves up strong and that is why no mere team could just waltz in and defeat them with ease. For even Shiratorizawa to struggle up to this point sums it up, they are a good team and have a very good captain to keep them united.

The whistle ripped through the air, halting and ultimately ending the game between the eagles and the cats. Silence between them weighed heavily for a moment before being overcome by sighs and groans, cheers and shouts from each side. “Aw shit, we actually lost.” Kuroo laughed, a pout masked under his smile.

“No surprise, though you wouldn’t care?” Yaku panted, resting his hands on his knees to catch his breath. “I’m gonna sleep for days…”

“Well,” Kuroo leaned in closer to Yaku and Kenma turned his head slightly to peek into the secrecy, “The captain’s hot, thought if we won I’d impress the stern fucker.”

Yaku frowned like a disapproving mother, glancing quickly between Kuroo and Ushijima. “Wha- No way. He looks like he’d kill anyone in bed.”

“Really? That’s all you’re thinking about?” Kuroo laughed again and smacked the shorter boy on the back. “Maybe I’m into that kinda shit who knows.”

“Fucking hell, Kuroo. Besides, why you gotta fancy a guy with literally no emotion other than volleyball psycho face?”      

“Who said I fancied him! Just sayin’ he looks hot.”

“That’s fancying.”

Kenma stepped lightly over, looking up at Kuroo and raised his brows. “He’s been giving you a look all day. Think he’s got a thing for you too actually.” He mumbled, voice low.

Yaku and Kuroo stared at the pudding head before sharing a look. The taller boy couldn’t stop his smile from spreading across his face, Yaku groaned and threw his face into his palms. “Okay, whatever. If anything happens, just be careful ‘cause he looks-”

“Yaku, he isn’t some murderer.” Kuroo defended.

“He fucking looks like one.” Yaku hissed, receiving a snicker off Kuroo. Yaku mumbled some other nonsense Kuroo didn’t catch and wandered off, Kenma still stood beside him.

“I mean, probably nothing will happen.” Kuroo shrugged, clicking his shoulders. Kenma shivered and cringed and the cracking sounds.

“Stop that, it’s disgusting.” Kenma groaned in disgust, softening his face as he looked up at Kuroo. “Talk to him. At dinner or something. They’re here for a while anyway.”

“What? No way, he’s scary. I’m not that bothered anyway!”

“Since when were you shy? You getting shy says you are actually bothered.” Kenma taunted, smiling briefly to himself as he heard the tick sound of Kuroo kissing his teeth, confirming Kenma’s victory this time round. The moment was cut short however as Ushijima approached his opponents, Kenma being quick to escape the scene leaving Kuroo to deal with the situation on his own. Panic raised in the older boy and he looked desperately back at Kenma then back at the terrifying Ushijima, who just left his arms sore and trembling. He basically indirectly beat the crap out of Kuroo. There he stood, towering over Kuroo, something the former would never get used to. Not many people in Japan towered over him like Lev and Ushijima do and made him feel so small . He wonders if this is how Kenma feels when stood with him? Silence lingered between the two, only sharing a hard gaze into each other’s eyes. It was rather intense, if it were some shounen anime show there would be rocks flying everywhere dramatically from the tension alone. Kuroo opened his mouth to speak, but stopped when  Ushijima shot out his hand towards him.

“Thank you… for a good game. You played well.” Ushijima’s voice sounded almost strained, as though this wasn’t something he said a lot to his opponents. It made Kuroo feel great.

“What? Nah, thank you . Don’t think I’ve ever met such scary spikes. Like shit, my arms have never got like this!” Kuroo waved his arms up in front of Ushijima, receiving a surprised and startled look off the taller boy. The expression made him look soft, and much younger. It was definitely the constant frowning that aged him.

Guilt appeared to wash over his face, looking over the soon to be dark bruises colouring his arms. “I’m sorry.”

“Huh, for what?”

“They look bad, you should get ice on them.”

“Hey, at least they’re not broken! Don’t think they are anyway… Adrenaline is probably covering most of the pain right now. That’s probably how you usually win huh, break everyone’s arms so they can’t block anymore. I’m onto you.”

Ushijima raised his eyebrows, his usual denseness subsiding enough for him to realise Kuroo is joking around. “Clearly my plan failed with you. Are you human?”

“Hah, no no… are you human?”

A strange feeling overcame Ushijima, a feeling he couldn't describe outwardly nor internally. A feeling so strange he didn’t notice the relaxed, mellow expression sitting on his face, and his lips pulled at the sides into that rare, almost non existent smile. Almost being the key word, as Kuroo Tetsurou had just made a huge discovery and turned it into something existent.

What began as occasional conversations traded between the two on the court, carried on outside of the court in the form of texts, evolving into late night phone calls that would go on for many hours. They may have lived far apart, but everything else about them felt so close. A chain gradually formed between them, binding them to one another and gave them discomfort when too far out of reach. It was rare and definitely unlikely that they would happen to miss a day of talking, but sometimes life got in the way. Each began to think they were too clingy, yet was reassured when the relief of talking again showed on the other. It was a relationship neither of them ever had with another person. Kuroo had Kenma, but they were strictly just very close friends. Kuroo could miss a day or two of not speaking. But something about Ushijima made Kuroo feel warm and desperate for his presence, likewise how Kuroo made Ushijima felt. Ushijima rarely spoke with school friends outside of school or volleyball, he was actually quite lonely. He found this attachment to Kuroo unbearable to let go, now that he had finally felt the warmth of closeness. It felt truly amazing.

“So Toshi,” Kuroo began, static masking his voice slightly over the phone, “if I asked nicely would you kill me?”

Ushijima was mid way through turning a page on his revision textbook, a harsh frown shaping his face. “No. Why?”

“Firstly, you're so fucking big and brutal I'd expect any way you'd try to kill me it'd be quick no matter what. Secondly,” Kuroo took a deep breath in between and Ushijima sighed as he realised what Kuroo was going to go on about next, “I'm going to fail everything.”

“You're smart and you know it, stop being so negative.”

“Awww you think I'm smart?! My heart is touched… how's your revision going?” A loud running sniffle came from Kuroo's side as he finished speaking, come to think of it Ushijima realised how bunged up Kuroo had been sounding.

“Fine I suppose, I'm prepared at least. Are you sick?”

“Me? Sick? Nope, I'm indestructible-”

“I hope you're not overworking yourself.” Ushijima interrupted sternly, knowing damn well how Kuroo tends to study. Kuroo's version of studying consisted of staying up for many days at a time until he's drilled each and every word of the textbook into his brain before moving onto memorising the next one. This must have been why Kuroo didn't want to FaceTime, because he probably look awful.

“I'm not! I'm just studying like every other person is right now.”

“You study too much, give yourself a break.”

“No can do if I wanna ace these exams, the course in uni I wanna do has pretty asshole entry requirements. Oh right yeah, you going to uni as well?”

“I hope to be able to, if exams go all well. Which I have predicted they will do.”

“Aw yessss, confident huh. You're totally being my roomie right?”

“You staying in Tokyo?”

“Obviously.”

“Then sure.”

“Aweso- wait what, seriously?”

“I hope you can look after yourself, because I'm not gonna do it.”

“Hah, you will for sure. Look after meeeeee, I'm so neeeeedy!”

A slight laugh escaped from Ushijima and he leaned back onto his chair, slightly creaking under his weight. “I haven't seen you in a while.”

There was a short silence, followed by a lengthy sigh that sounded sad. “Yeah, distance sucks… wish these exams would just be over and done with so I can come see you!”

“Not long now… a few more weeks. Kuroo, when you come next time do you want to maybe… stay a bit longer than a day?”

It wasn't often Kuroo got to hear Ushijima sound even remotely close to shy, so he never took those moments for granted. “Huh, your mom won't mind me just crashing out at yours?”

“No, in fact she would like to meet you. She always hears you speak on the phone so she basically knows everything about you already.”

“Aw yeah, we gonna be besties! Tell her hi for me then.”

“I will. So, will you?”

“Sure, if that's fine and all…” The silence was filled with sniffling sounds and turning pages before Kuroo spoke again. “So I wanna ask something.”

“Yes?”

“I like you?”

Ushijima opened his mouth but snapped it shut again, trying to register what Kuroo just said and make sense of it. “You're asking me if you like me?”

“Maybe? I dunno. Okay fuck, I like you.”

Ushijima sat silently for a moment, gathering his senses to respond. “I know. I like you too.”

“Toshi I mean like like! Not like bros kinda shit I mean-”

“I know. I'm pretty sure we’ve gone over this.”

“I- what? When, how, I confessed? You confessed?!”

“Couple weeks ago… You were at a party with Bokuto and wouldn’t stop ringing me.”

The silence was like death itself, as though Kuroo had literally just gone and slit his own throat right there and then. “What the hell, so that's what that dumb owl was on about… what the fuck why didn't you say anything?!”

“I assumed you remembered, but now that I think about how normal everything was after I figured maybe not… but I'm glad you told me. And… told me again.”

“Okay wow, so you’re gay?”

“Like I said, we’ve been over this. Yes I am. And before you say anything, I know you’ve never done anything with guys.”

“What the fuck I remember nothing…”

“You’ve really done nothing though?”

“Well, I’ve kissed. While drunk only though… I dunno because I like girls- I love girls. But at the same time guys are so,” Kuroo made some strange growling noise, pulling a laugh out of Ushijima, “know what I mean?”

“You’re bi?”

“Yeah! I think, I still haven’t had sex with a guy so technically… you’d be my first!”

“Already decided we’re going to fuck?”

Kuroo snickered, breathing at a sigh and sat quietly for a moment. “Who knows, we’ll see how things go first… I’m not a fan of this long distance shit. I crave hugs, and affection, and kissies. Plus if we’re gonna be a thing I need to be bridal carried over to a plate of fish.”

“So needy.”

“You would love to kiss me, don’t deny it. You almost did the last time we saw each other anyway!”

Ushijima smiled to himself at the memory, rather surprised Kuroo remembered that as he was, as usual, drunk off his ass. The only reason a kiss didn’t happen was because he felt like he was just taking advantage of the situation. “I’ll try again, when you’re sober.”

“Seriously? That’s why you didn’t kiss me?! You wetty, I was so up for it.”

“I refuse to take advantage of a drunken guy I assumed was probably straight.”

“Pfffff, I had heart eyes when I saw you. ‘Straight’ went out the window during that training camp.”

They never really spoke much about training camp so Ushijima was shocked to hear that Kuroo at least liked how he looked back then, reassuring it wasn’t totally one sided after all. “Oh? Glad to hear that, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you…” He listened to Kuroo chuckle on the other side of the line before glancing at the clock, internally gasping at the time. “Kuroo, it’s 3am.”

“Aw, is it bedtime for you?”

“It’s 3am,” He repeated sternly, “it’s bedtime for both of us. Go to sleep Tetsurou.”

“I’m almost done I just-”

“Sleep!” Ushijima raised his voice as he instructed Kuroo, feeling genuine worry for how Kuroo lacks sleep in general because he’d rather study his soul out until he’s a zombie for the rest of the year.

“Geez don’t get mean! I’m going, I’m going. Night night Toshi.”

“Good, if I seen you’ve been active on facebook past this time you’re in trouble.”

“Oo scary~”

“Tetsurou I’m serious. Good night, sleep well.”

A constant, persisting urge haunted Ushijima to ring again, having his last two calls of the day run off into a voicemail. However, there was probably a fine line between just missing Kuroo and being far too clingy, but it had been a week now with limited communication between the two and it was starting to hurt. Enough, I’m being stupid now, Ushijima thought to himself and resisted the urge to hassle Kuroo anymore. He was probably busy, busy being stressed, busy revising, stressing over revising, stressing over being busy or somewhere along the lines of being stressed and busy. But too busy to even drop a text, too busy to make a quick call and say ‘sorry can’t talk at the moment’, too busy to make any sort of effort with Ushijima. It really did hurt him, especially seeing how well things were going. Was it because he confessed, again, fully lucid and aware of what he was saying? No way, Kuroo wouldn’t just run away over a confession, he wasn’t like that. Right? Doubt settled uneasily in the pit of Ushijima’s stomach, wondering about how much he actually knew about Kuroo. He likes cats, he basically is a cat himself, he apparently sleeps odd to get his hair the way it is, he’s a study freak, he likes chemistry, he doesn’t sleep as much as a normal functioning human should do, he’s needy… Those are all traits, but did he really know Kuroo ? There’s knowing what a person likes and their preferences and their overall hobbies, but it’s far deeper to know the actual person. As confusing as it sounds, Ushijima was never one to be able to explain his thoughts. They may have been talking for over a year now, but things never progressed far forward due to distance and school. It almost angered Ushijima that he was so uncontrollably attached to this person who he in fact doesn’t know much about. “Why am I thinking so deep about this.” He asked himself, no one but himself around to answer. An exasperated sigh was released and Ushijima fell backwards onto the bed, staring at the ceiling for only god knows how long before the ringing of his phone startled him out of his thoughts and drew his attention to it. It was Kuroo ringing. He almost dived for his phone in excitement but tried to contain himself, he was suppose to be mad after all and was half tempted to ignore it for the added effect. His thumb hovered over the answer button momentarily before tapping it and bringing the phone up to his ear. “Hello.”

“Oh, you picked up,” The voice didn’t belong to Kuroo and Ushijima furrowed his brows, “it’s Kenma. I took Kuroo’s phone off him so he’d rest. Gave himself a study flu. Sorry if you thought he was ignoring you.”

“Study flu?”

“He’s sick because he stressed too hard. Happens every year.”

A low groan came from Ushijima, feeling a need to strangle Kuroo for ignoring his advice to not study too hard. “Stupid. Is he okay?”

“Well he’s not leaving his bed anytime soon, I’d give him his phone so he could talk to you or something but then he’d stay up all night on it.”

It was true as a matter of fact, Kuroo wouldn’t get a wink of sleep if he had his phone. If not from talking to Ushijima at crazy hours he’d be scrolling mindlessly through social media. Phones are awful devices. “Okay, thanks for that.” A low ‘mhm’ came from Kenma. “And tell him I’m coming to see him.”

I was overthinking after all.

Ushijima was that kind of guy to read newspapers over playing on his phone, as he did the entire way on the train to Tokyo. Although he didn’t mind travelling so much, when it begins to reach the over an hour mark he couldn’t help but feel slightly restless from being so immobile for that long. The voice announcer reminded passengers that the next stop is approaching in 5 minutes and Ushijima couldn’t feel more relieved he finally made it. As he made his way through the busy station and out into the open air, it still felt stuffy like the compacted train, just how it did that last time he was in Tokyo. Perhaps there really was a big difference in the air between Miyagi and Tokyo, the former being the cleaner air. With big, stunning cities come big prices to the environment after all. As Ushijima was busy getting caught up with his surroundings, he didn’t notice the much smaller boy approach him and cleared his throat. “Ushijima?”

Ushijima flicked his eyes beside him before letting them fall further down to meet with Kenma’s wide, cat like eyes. He could never get over how much all of Nekoma resembled cats in some way. “Sorry, did I keep you waiting? Train was a bit delayed.”

“No worries,” Kenma waved his hand and turned away, “had my PSP with me. Gonna need to get a bus now.” He mumbled, looking over towards the bus station. Ushijima could tell he doesn’t exactly like leaving the house and this was a chore to him, feeling a little guilty.

“Thanks for coming.” Ushijima noted and Kenma turned his head with a small smile.

“Kuroo won’t shut up about you, so at least you can deal with him and I don’t have to.”

.

Ushijima followed Kenma up towards Kuroo’s house, decently sized and pretty standard. Or at least compared to Ushijima’s home, his family resting on the wealthier side. If anything, he’d prefer to stay in a house like this rather than his own, it looked more homely. Kenma opened the door and walked straight in, Ushijima pausing by the door frame and raised his eyebrows. “His parent’s are at work.” Kenma reassured, and Ushijima stepped further in, letting his eyes wander and analyse the area. It was clean, tidy and nicely put together but had a heavy odor of cigarette smoke that clung to the air and objects. “Kuroo, Ushijima’s here-” Kenma stopped talking and just stood looking through the door for a moment before walking in, Ushijima’s hurried to take his shoes off so he could follow. When he finally managed to, he made his way towards the what he assumed to be the living room and looking over to where Kenma was standing by the coach. “Uh… he’s asleep.” Kenma said in a hushed down voice. “Make yourself at home, I’m going back to mine.” He added before hurrying past Ushijima.

“What-”

“His parents don’t get back till late anyway, he’ll probably wake up before then. They won’t even care if you’re here though. See ya.”

Ushijima didn’t have room to argue when Kenma made his quick exit, leaving him alone with Kuroo’s soft breathing. He walked slowly, setting each foot down gently to avoid making any sound towards Kuroo and looked over his sleeping form, surrounded by slimy tissues and huddled in a blanket, it was quite cute actually. A soft smile was making it’s way onto Ushijima’s usually expressionless face before he walked over to sit on the singular chair, grabbing the remote and changing it to the news channel.

Hours passed and Ushijima began to wonder if Kuroo was even alive, the whistling and rattling of his nose often reminding him he was. He took it upon him to do a bit of exploring around the living room, looking over the very little amount of family pictures, the few that were there were mostly of Kuroo or Kuroo and his mother as Ushijima assumed. Behind was another photo of Kuroo with a man who resembled him strongly, hinting that he was probably the father. However, he looked far more intimidating and even menacing than Kuroo does. No photos indicated that Kuroo had any siblings. It must have been lonely, Ushijima would know.

Rustling came from behind and Ushijima turned to see Kuroo sitting up slowly, a strained groan leaving the young man. He was rubbing his eyes for a while before dropping his hands and looked towards Ushijima. No hint of surprise crossed his face, no hint of any emotion actually, he stared blankly for what seemed like a long time. It felt like a full 5 minutes before his mouth dropped open and he sucked in a gasp. “What the fuck, I'm dreaming.” Kuroo stared in disbelief while Ushijima walked closer.

“I told you not to study too hard.”

“Okay never mind, this is a nightmare. My guilt has come back to haunt me.”

“No I'm here all right.” Ushijima reassure, looking over Kuroo's strangely pale and clammy face, a soft rose colour blushed over his cheeks and nose. His eye bags were as atrocious as his hair, and it was pretty hard to compare anything with that nest. “How do you feel?”

“I don't know, like I've gone crazy because I'm hallucinating that Ushijima is here and I'm still talking to you like you're real.”

“I am here dumb ass,” Ushijima reached over to Kuroo's arm and pinched him hard enough to bruise, a sudden yelp escaping Kuroo in response, “would hallucinations be able to do that?”

“The brain is a powerful thing, it can make you feel stuff you're not really feeling!”

“Say that when you see that bruise pop up tomorrow.”

“Fuck though, when did you get here? You seriously came all this way?”

“It's the weekend and I had nothing else to do,” Ushijima started, flicking his eyes away from Kuroo momentarily, “and I needed to see if you're okay.”

“Heh, you worry that much for me? That's cute. Means you gonna stay here tonight right?!”

“What? I mean no I don't want to burden your-”

“My parents? Nah they won't care, we got futons so don't get scared away with sharing a bed.”

Not like I’d mind that, is what Ushijima wanted to say but instead blushed and nodded in hasty agreement. “But really, I don't mind going late.”

“It's already late Toshi, it’s pitch black out there.” Kuroo motioned towards the dark windows in which Ushijima had never taken any notice to the darkening sky all these hours. “Come on we’ll eat… instant ramen or some bullshit and watch movies.”

“I prefer the news-”

“Movies. Horror movies maybe? I’m craving horror.”

“Take a look in the mirror and your hair should do it for you.”

“Ass.” Kuroo chuckled and pushed himself up from off the couch, the blanket slipping off his shoulders and onto the floor. Ushijima could see his unsteadiness from a mile away and held out his arm for Kuroo to hold onto, although it took him a few moments to realise what Ushijima was doing he finally held on. “You hungry?”

“Not particularly,” Ushijima lied, and the growling sound of his own stomach to throw him under the bus, “perhaps a bit.”

Kuroo grinned with his all knowing smile and tugged Ushijima’s arm to direct him to the kitchen which they then proceeded to raid for food. They did in fact, settle for instant ramen in the end and Ushijima couldn’t contain his ‘this is isn’t healthy’ senses, yet couldn’t deny it was quite nice.

“Please don’t tell me this is all you eat?” Ushijima asked, concern masking his voice while he paused between taking another mouthful of noodles.

“Well it’s nice right?!”

“This is terrible for you diet, don’t you eat proper food?”

“Mom is always at work so she doesn’t like to cook, so nope I eat whatever junk is lying around.”

Ushijima frowned, disappointed in Kuroo’s diet like it was his responsibility or something. He felt a bit protective actually. “I’ll teach you to cook, then you have no excuse.”

Hazel eyes flicked up from the steaming bowl and widened, Kuroo quickly sucking up the dangling noodles before speaking. “ You know how to cook?”

“I do in fact, there’s no harm in learning a useful skill you would 100% need later in life.”

“Well technically you don’t need to know how to cook when there’s so many takeaways,” Kuroo smirked and ignored Ushijima’s death dagger glare directed at him before he continued, “but sure it’s useful. Cook for me one day Toshi!”

“If we’re moving in together then it’d be a necessity for you to know how to cook, I’m not doing it all.” He watched Kuroo laugh, but it wasn’t his usual mocking or taunting laugh, it was genuine and warm.

“That’ll be fun.”

The sound or wet sniffling, soul wrenching coughs and wheezing made it incredibly difficult for Ushijima to fall asleep for longer than 10 minutes. As much as he wanted to just get up and punch Kuroo he couldn’t really blame him, or in fact he could because he studied himself into this state but it’s never moral to punch a sick person. He sounded so much worse than he did earlier in the day, but that was maybe because he was lying down. It was common for symptoms to kick someone in the ass when they wanted to sleep. Ushijima heard the rustling of Kuroo’s sheet’s and turned his head to the sound, seeing Kuroo sit up. “Can’t sleep?” Ushijima asked into the darkness.

“I want to rip off my nose.” Kuroo’s voice croaked.

“Think that may be a bit messy.”

“Wanna come up here?” Kuroo’s question was rather out of the blue, and shocked Ushijima a bit. “Or too scared of my flu?”

“I- well… Are you sure?”

“I’m cold actually. Besides, this is probably the only time we get to cuddle until exams are over.”

Ushijima avoided wasting anymore time and climbed up onto Kuroo’s bed, in which Kuroo shuffled over so they could both fit. It felt nice to be this close to Kuroo, yet nerve wracking at the same time because Ushijima had never been this close to him. The warmth radiated off Kuroo’s body yet his shivered, Ushijima took it upon himself to move close and place an arm around Kuroo. He didn’t know why he was so nervous, Kuroo was probably the most accepting person he’s ever met and was never fazed by seemingly anything.

“Night, Toshi.” Kuroo mumbled into Ushijima’s chest, who looked down at Kuroo’s mess of hair before smiling.

“Goodnight Tetsu.”

The two grew closer since spending the night together, maybe the only trigger to firmly attach them was to simply have that lacking touch they both desired. It was enough motivation for them to power through the exams and emerge victorious with the grades needed for university. Kuroo was modest as usual and acted incredibly shocked at his top grades, although Ushijima knew the dork wouldn’t get any less. Ushijima got rather high grades himself and secured himself a place at university along with Kuroo, leading onto finally looking for a place to stay that was close to both of their universities. Tokyo was a large city with plenty of accommodation, but it was finding a student friendly priced place which was the struggle. It was a good thing they were looking together because many places were cheaper when going in as a duo for students. “We’ve got 3 options here,” Kuroo began, spreading out the papers of each apartment they’ve considered highly, “some rat infested shit hole, a perfectly cute an cozy place, or rich kid’s home.”

“You’re being biased, just because that one is closer to your university.”

“Aw come on it’s only like what, 10 minutes closer. Besides it’s the best looking one and it’s not that expensives. My student loan alone would be enough to cover it.”

“I like the last one better.”

“Going for that one means less money for luxuries.”

“Luxuries like buying takeaway every night? We’re going for the last one.”

“Didn’t say shit about takeaways.”

“Last one.”

Kuroo clicked his tongue and sighed, looking between the papers and Ushijima. “But-”

“I have savings you realise that right? I could easily afford it. It looks perfect, and we’ll make it suit us best. I’ll pay for most of it.”

It honestly felt like they were a married couple looking for a new home, which was close enough to their situation except they weren’t married and they just needed a place to sleep, study and eat. And maybe many more things that could go unannounced for now. “Can’t let you do that.”

“I was born rich, ashamed to say. But what better way to put it to use?”

There was a long silence as Kuroo thought to himself. He couldn’t deny the place looked nice, or in fact looked amazing. Maybe he just couldn’t see himself in such a nice area, especially with the help of someone else. It kind of hurt his pride. “It does look nice… But we pay equally.”   

“Tetsu-”

“You just have to treat me to takeaway every other night.”

“Twice a week max.”

“Deal.” Kuroo pulled a cigarette out from behind his ear and lit it, Ushijima giving him a disapproving look and borderline scowl.

“You should quit. How long have you been smoking?”

“Literally never met anyone as edge as you.” Kuroo laughed and leaned back onto the chair. “Since… I was like 13.”

Ushijima couldn’t prevent the shock spreading across his face upon hearing that. It wasn’t unusual for youths that young to begin smoking, but it was still unnerving. “Why?”

“My dad let me try, thought it’d be fun to carry on because all he ever does is smoke. Kinda regret it now.”

Memories of the strong smell of tobacco and several overfilled ashtrays placed around Kuroo’s home hit Ushijima, disbelief that out of everyone to encourage him it was his own father. He wasn’t one to judge people, but this time he couldn’t help it. “You don’t seem to talk a lot about your father.” He wished he just kept his mouth shut, as realisation he most definitely hit a nerve showed in Kuroo pained expression. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to an-”

“I don’t mind. Just he doesn’t really pay much attention to me to be honest. Only way he’d give me any notice was when I asked for cigs.”

Guilt overcame Ushijima, regretting he ever asked but felt a sense of relief he was discovering more about Kuroo each day, even if it was something as sad as that. “I’m sorry…”

Kuroo waved his hand and shook his head. “I’m not as sensitive as you think! Anyway, your turn. Tell me about you.”

Not often people asked Ushijima to tell them about himself, because usual people already assumed they knew him. In fact, he wasn’t too sure what to share. “My father moved away overseas when I was young. I live with only my mother. I don’t hate my father for it though, he was good while he was there.”

“Do you still keep contact?”

“Occasionally. Usually only around my birthday or Christmas, but it’s something.”

Kuroo gave Ushijima a sympathetic smile and tapped the ashes into the tray. The smoke danced with itself before becoming completely transparent, Ushijima found it fascinating to watch. “Hey Ushi, y’know when you asked if I’ve done anything?” Ushijima was confused for a moment before realising what Kuroo was referring to and nodded. “I got the impression you’re a total pro.”

“Well if what you mean by that is if I’ve been with someone then yes, I have.” Ushijima answered, letting his eyes drift away from the smoke and onto Kuroo’s face. “It didn’t work out.”

“Damn they missed out…”

“Was a mutual feeling, there was just too much of a difference between us.”

“Isn’t there a huge difference between us though?” The bedhead asked, his scheming expressing creeping across his face. “I mean, difference isn’t bad. I think too many people try to work around differences rather than combine them and make something… beautiful.”

Kuroo’s mind had yet again stunned Ushijima. He was correct, there were differences between the two. This prime example of how creative and open minded Kuroo was, yet Ushijima usually had very fixed beliefs. However this wasn’t an issue that got between them, it infact united them when Kuroo introduced Ushijima new and fulfilling ideas all the time. “That sounds poetic. I like it.”

“I’m the next Allan Poe.”

High school to University wasn’t an easy transition, and neither was moving into a completely new home with another person even if they were comfortable with each other. A lot of things could unravel solely from living with them. They picked up on each other’s habits and got that one step closer to knowing the one another more. From maybe the way they eat to the way the clean, it was the small things that became obvious when living together. This unexplored area of their lives strained Kuroo and Ushijima’s relationship to begin with, but they worked through it and adjusted to each other’s lifestyles and ultimately became closer than ever. I like you’s bloomed into I love you’s, occasionally touching and hand holding evolved into frequent kisses and cuddles. Ushijima knew there was many differences between them, but that didn’t mean that was a rift of some sort, it in fact may have been the reason they were so attached. In Kuroo’s mind, ‘opposites attract’. However, like with every relationship there was always problems. Maybe something small like there was less interaction some days because they’re too busy with the workload of University and balancing part times jobs at the same time, but when some days became most days the dull ache ignited into stabbing pain in the chest. Ushijima noticed this darkness lingering, and beat himself up for missing Kuroo’s earlier attempts to fix it.

Ushijima had left class early to ensure he would get home before Kuroo and have enough time to prepare dinner for him. It had been a while since he had cooked for the both of them and stupidly let Kuroo live off takeaways for the past few weeks, something Ushijima swore against before moving in with him. One thing that Ushijima picked up on was Kuroo’s love for fish, and a distant memory of Kuroo mentioning he had a dream about eating grilled salted mackerel pike, so what better thing to make other than the food Kuroo literally dreams about? It was lucky he had made this dish several time in the past, and had not forgotten how to make it. Funnily enough his mother loved it, hence why he knew how to make it. Kuroo’s love for fish only further supported Ushijima’s suspicions that he was a shapeshifting cat. It was coming close to 8pm and Ushijima’s concern rose as Kuroo was unusually late, but that only gave him more time to prepare everything perfectly as he was slightly behind.

A sudden, distant click of the door lock alerted Ushijima, who in response hurried over to grab the singular red rose off the table and make his way towards the opening door. Kuroo entered looking rather disheveled and tired of just about everything, the light only coming to his eyes when his face met with Ushijima’s, looking between the rose and Ushijima before raising his eyebrows. “Ohoho, being romantic now?” Although Kuroo attempted to hide it, his usual joking tone was faintly masked by exhaustion and irritation. Ushijima couldn’t blame him from how he’s treated him for the last few weeks.

“An apology… and attempt to fix things.” Ushijima started sheepishly, not taking his eyes off of Kuroo in front of him. “And red is your colour, right?” He held out the rose closer to Kuroo, who hesitantly took it and stared intently at it. The anger still lingered, but Kuroo smiled anyway, appreciating Ushijima’s efforts.

“Thanks… Toshi.” Kuroo’s eyes flicked back up to Ushijima and sniffed the air softly. “Don’t tell me-” Ushijima hushed Kuroo and scooped him up in his arms, the smaller young man struggling and yelped in surprise. “W-what are you doing?”

“Didn’t you mention you wanted to be bridal carried over to a plate of fish?”

Kuroo looked starstruck, unable to process that Ushijima was really trying hard right now. It warmed his chest like fireflies exploding from it. A bright, genuine grin plastered on the rooster hair’s face, a small chuckle accompanying it. He hooked his arms around Ushijima’s neck, still clinging to the rose while tilted his head towards Ushijima’s face and closed his eyes momentarily. “You’ve totally won my heart over again.”

Ushijima smiled softly, beginning to walk towards the kitchen while being mindful not smack Kuroo’s feet or head on near by furniture. Never had Ushijima felt so protective over Kuroo, carrying him like this, being close to him like this reminded him why he fell in love with Kuroo in the first place. His presence was like a blooming flower emitting life, love and beauty. Everything about Kuroo gave Ushijima a feeling he had never experienced before with anyone, not even with his ex. He wondered if this was the unexplainable ‘true love’ the love struck couples babbled on about. It sounded like a far fetched fantasy that people only wanted to believe, but now Ushijima understood the feeling.

The high pitched buzzing irked Ushijima to a very uncomfortable level, knowing the source of that relentless buzzing was from a needle stabbing tens of thousands of ink filled holes into another’s skin. It’s not like he didn’t like tattoos, it was just the process of getting one that put him off completely. However, Ushijima stayed in complete denial that he was just afraid of the pain. Kuroo was successfully sat like a rock on his now third large piece tattoo work and was turning into some kind of tattoo junkie; Ushijima only blamed Bokuto for convincing him to get one in the first place but Akaashi reckons it was Kuroo who was the bad influence. Nevertheless, Ushijima didn’t mind a whole lot unless Kuroo got some nasty infection, then he would be mad. Tattoos sure did suit Kuroo, and now that he didn’t need to up keep a clean appearance for school and of course now that he was of age to get tattoos, Kuroo never held back in the creative world. He was a walking canvas, adding to the work of art Ushijima believed he already was. His overall look screamed ‘delinquent’, with the multiple ear piercings and undercut , however his personality still remained dorky and kind which is what Ushijima really loved. Kuroo can end up looking like the most dangerous and trouble making man in Tokyo, but Ushijima knew he would always be a soft fluffy cat on the inside.

Kuroo’s first large scaled tattoo was place on his forearm of a beautiful woman with a tiger headdress of some sort. It looked fierce, and definitely matched Kuroo’s inner feline personality. His second tattoo, not so surprisingly another gorgeous woman, had a darker twist to it, with almost devilish features making up the bulk of it. This one was placed on his right leg calf which was proven to be a god awful painful place to get tattooed with something so detailed. Ushijima wasn’t so much a fan of that one because he was half worried of what the hell goes on in Kuroo’s head to like that kind of dark stuff, but it did look nice if the evilness to it was ignored. Kuroo had hinted his next tattoo would be ‘another pussy’, much to Ushijima’s dismay as he was beginning to believe Kuroo actually liked girls more than guys. He was gobsmacked when it was indeed a ‘pussy’, but not the dirty kind the world totally thought of first. “A cat.” Ushijima said, watching the artist go over the stenciled lines on his deltoid.

“Keeping to the little trend I have going on here at least!” Kuroo laughed, seemingly ignoring the pain of the needle. Ushijima was surprised Kuroo was able to keep himself so still and still not wince from the dragging needle.

Bokuto’s head popped around the wall and his eyes widened. “Damn bro that already looks sick! Where’s the ref I wanna look.”

“Over on the table.” The tattooist called, his eyes remaining trained on Kuroo’s arm. “I love doing cats, they’re gorgeous creatures.”

“Right? Cats need way more appreciation, like shit they were worshipped in Egypt! So we should worship these majestic animals too.”

The tattooist laugh, pausing from his lining. “Preach it. I’ve always been a cat person.”

“I’ve always been an owl person.” Bokuto hooted from a distance, everyone else sighing in usion. “Kuroo, since you’re getting all the pretty things embedded onto you get a tattoo of leftie next.”

Ushijima raised and eyebrow and glared at Bokuto, who only laughed loudly in response. “Please don’t Tetsu.”

“No, no… that’s a great idea! Toshi better pose for a good photo later for a reference.” Kuroo chuckled.

Being in a room with both Kuroo and Bokuto together resulted in hours of teasing, borderline bullying, and suicidal thoughts from the two of them being so unbearably annoying at times. Ushijima would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t, in a sense, jealous of Bokuto. He seemed so close with Kuroo effortlessly, they both appeared to connect like pieces of a puzzle, and they have a hell of a lot of fun out of doing small, stupid things. It took Ushijima a while to see that they were too brother like to ever have a thing, and there was nothing to worry about. Kuroo also had his fair share of jealousy. There were times people like Tendou and Oikawa who just got too close for comfort, yet Kuroo being Kuroo, he always hid his feelings. Ushijima wasn’t one to spot hidden emotions easily, and still didn’t know on their almost 2 year relationship mark that Kuroo does indeed get jealous too.

Many hours passed before the tattooist finally gave the all clear that his was finished with his work, and the final piece was beautiful. The cat’s green eyed gaze was sharp and strong, and details made it look as though someone had literally printed an actual photo of a cat onto his arm. “Holy shiiit, I fucking love it!” Kuroo marvelled in the mirror at his sore arm.

“No problem man, I really enjoyed this one!”

Ushijima watched the excited expression on Kuroo’s face, reminding him of a child on Christmas. The rest of the world seemingly blanked out, quietened out to an almost underwater silence, and as slow as slow motion could go while he watched the centre of his world look so happy. Happiness was all he wanted to see Kuroo express, and even if things like this made him genuinely happy Ushijima would sit many more hours to witness it over and over again.

My love, the cat would whisper close and warmly into the other’s ear, hands wandering and fingers dancing on smooth skin. Let’s makes the world bloom, like a red rose at the peak of it’s life time. The soft petals of the red rose brushed against Ushijima’s cheek, along with his other red rose, Kuroo, setting his soft lips upon his own. The metal of Kuroo’s tongue bar clinked against his teeth as the kiss fell deeper and increasingly more intense. Ushijima ran his hands down Kuroo’s torso as he sat on top of him, feeling the shape of him, the warmth radiating off his skin, the smoothness and flawlessness of his body. What an unlikely pair we make, don’t you think? Kuroo would purr, a recurring question that lingered in Ushijima’s mind. What Kuroo thought was likely true, but the question was more of a proof that differences is not what breaks a relationship, it’s what makes one. Ushijima pushed Kuroo to the side and onto his back, reversing their positions and held Kuroo’s thin forearms to either side of him. He was beautiful, he captivated Ushijima like nothing else had in his life. He was far more superior to any gorgeous flower in the world and deserved to be known by his name. Tetsurou was Ushijima’s personal flower, a flower that fails to wither no matter what hardships it may face. Nothing could wither his beautiful flower, something so pure in it’s own beauty and grace. Something he loved even more than himself, which went against all natural human instincts. We’ll make our own world, where only we can set the rules. Our own paradise, surrounded by eternally bloomed roses filled with love itself.

Kuroo was usually one to keep his cool under the majority of circumstances, but on top of the already building stress of university, a car reversed into the front of his. It wasn’t the damage he was mad about, because there was none that was alarming, it was the fact his overly sensitive airbags deployed right in his face and gave him a bloody nose and very sore skin. In addition, airbags are ridiculously expensive to replace and Kuroo just didn’t have the money.

“Tetsu, I’ll pay for the airbags just relax a little and let me look at your nose.” Ushijima attempted to calm the pacing man, but failed.

“Fuck that, the piece of shit ass that hit it should pay. Why the fuck did that bullshit car even deploy them?!”

“Is your nose broken? It’s bleeding a lot...” He raised a hand to touch Kuroo’s face, but was swatted away.

“No it’s fine, get off.”

“I’ll get some ice. Your face is red. And please calm down, don’t take it out on me.”

Kuroo’s eyes flicked faster than an alarmed animal towards Ushijima, a look of immense irritation masking him. “I’m not fucking taking it out on you.”

“Then stop swearing and raising your voice, I didn’t hit your car. Besides, maybe you should drive more carefully-”

“You’re seriously blaming this on me ? I was parked in the fucking lines what the hell?!” Kuroo set off like a bomb that had been ticking all day, and Ushijima held back a groan. He didn’t have the energy to argue, and backed down from his ledge.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to anger you. I’ll leave you be until you calm down.” Ushijima hesitated at the doorframe, turning around to see Kuroo hadn’t an ounce of regret on his face. “I’ll give you the money to get the airbags sorted.”

“I don’t want your shitty money.” He spat, turning away to not meet Ushijima’s hurt gaze. He decided he’ll wait until Kuroo cooled off, but didn’t understand why he was acting like this in the first place over something so minor. The Kuroo he knew never cracked like this. Or maybe that was just it, Kuroo never cracked before so he had it do it someday.

Hours passed and Ushijima could still physically see the eggshell floor, preventing him from wanting to approach Kuroo just yet. The voice in the back of his mind convinced him that Kuroo should apologise, not him. This new found war of ‘I’m not saying sorry first’ was damaging and exhausting, and most certainly not the first time it has happened. Ushijima had guessed that this negativity was the price humans paid to feel an emotion as ethereal as love, a power that was too good and pure for sinners and tainted creatures such as themselves to wield for free. That was how things were in the world after all, nothing was free as such.

As Ushijima was on the verge of giving in, Kuroo finally stepped through the door slowly, holding a red rose towards him. No words were spoken, and none needed to be spoken. Ushijima understood Kuroo completely through his guilty expression alone, along with the whole red rose system the two had come up with. It wasn’t entirely official system, it was just a thing they did when things got rocky. They would present to one another a singular red rose to remind them that there was still love, there would always be love, and that they haven’t withered. Mere fights and misunderstands were futile to place a rift between them.

Chapter Text

Cool, crisp air breezed against their heated ears on their daily morning jog. Ushijima was a powerhouse from dawn until dusk, doing everything humanly possible to keep himself fit and healthy and of course, encouraging Kuroo to take up on that lifestyle as well. He wasn't lazy as such, but he certainly wasn't the type of person to wake up at 5am to fit a jog in before studying hard for the rest of the long oncoming day. It was certainly a struggle to keep up with Ushijima but it ultimately paid off when Kuroo had finally beat him around the block for the first time ever. He was naturally faster than Ushijima, but it was the sustain he didn't possess to just carry on running, and the smoking was definitely a culprit for his shortness of breath after 20 seconds of any physical exercise.

“Oh god, please… give me a reward… for that…” Kuroo wheezed and panted, holding his weight up with the wall outside the apartment building and Ushijima appeared to look still full of energy.

“You should reserve your energy, not burn it all up in an attempt to beat me. Morning jogs are for fitness, not competition.”

“Attempt? Toshi I beat you thoooough, gimme some credit!” He whined, a pout building up on his exhausted face. “Besides, you’re the most competitive person I’ve ever met.”

“I’m competitive in volleyball, not jogging.”

“Speakin’ of which, we haven’t played in a while huh.” Kuroo was finally beginning to catch his breath again, and not so conveniently dug his pockets to find a box of cigarettes. Ushijima didn’t really think before grabbing the box, anger spreading on his face.

“Seriously, you were literally wheezing earlier. Wait a bit before smoking.”

“What’s your problem? I’ve waited all morning to have one!”

“You had one when you woke up.”

“Wow so you’re just going to give me a fucking limit of how much I can smoke now?”

The fire was spreading, burning them both and they could most definitely feel it. Ushijima took a deep breath to calm himself before speaking again. “Stop, let’s not argue. I’m sorry.” He hesitated before holding the box towards Kuroo, whom took a little longer to soften his face.

“Sorry too.” He mumbled, taking the box off Ushijima but didn’t take out a cigarette to Ushijima’s relief.

They stood silently, the air around them growing heavier with each passing second. Kuroo was in the midst of turning away before Ushijima grabbed him, pulling him into a tight hug. He half expected Kuroo to struggle and squirm like the stubborn fuck he usually was, but he was settled and comfortable in Ushijima’s warmth. “What time do you finish class?” Ushijima asked, voice muffled by Kuroo’s hair.

“1pm… got work after though.” Kuroo sighed, reminding himself today was one of the most annoying day's, schedule wise.

“I’ll come by work then, make me a coffee.”

“I’ll be sure to spit in it, make it a little extra bubbly just how you like it.”

A low chuckle came from the taller man, pulling away slightly to look at Kuroo’s face. “I look forward to it.”

Birthday’s were the prime way to reunite the former volleyball players, although the fact it was Bokuto’s birthday was rather off putting to Ushijima. He didn’t dislike him one bit, but it was just how crazy Bokuto and Kuroo were together. They were especially a nightmare to deal with when drunk together. Ushijima had lost count of the many times Kuroo had gone out with Bokuto just to come home next to dead because he didn’t know what limits were when drinking with the stupid owl, the stupid clearly rubbing off on the cat too. Ushijima had ensured that he fit in a subtle plea to Kuroo to not drink much tonight, and was reassured with the usual ‘ don’t worry Toshi! I don’t like drinking much anyway.’ He tried hard to believe him, but it only ended in a headache and dramatic groan from the more sensible man as he watched Kuroo and Bokuto childishly throw food at each other and made a mess of Akaashi and Bokuto’s apartment.

“I apologise, Akaashi. I’ll help clean it later…” Ushijima sighed, raising a hand to the bridge of his nose.

“Don’t worry, it’s mostly Bokuto anyway. At least Kuroo is throwing dry food.”

Ushijima was marvelled by Akaashi’s calm and collective attitude towards hectic situations such as this, not so often losing his temper at the stupid shit Bokuto happened to do. He was half tempted to ask how he did it, but deep down he knew he actually manages through Kuroo’s behaviour just the same way.

“Ushiwaka!! Oh how I’m surprised to see you here!” A familiar, annoying voice came from beside Ushijima. It belonged to none other than the doe eyed Oikawa.

“I’ve been here the whole time.”

“Sure you have! So, how’s life with Kuroo? Everything going well?” Ushijima could hear the sourness drip from Oikawa’s fake friendly voice. He didn’t really expect less from his ex.

“It’s going perfect , thank you for your concern.” Ushijima said, his voice firm enough to get his point across but not too firm to scare away the whole room.

“That’s… good to hear.” Okawa almost hissed, a strained smile spreading across his face. “Well, me and Iwa-chan are great too, he’s so cute don’t you think? I gotta say though, Kuroo is hot. I can almost see why you don’t want me anymore.”

“Not a thing to say when you’re in such a great relationship.”

“Aw come on he doesn’t mind! You’re allowed to find other people attractive you know, like I know you still find me pretty sexy right?”

“Nope.”

“Aaah, I can hear that lie from miles away.”

“Oi! Shitty-kawa. Leave him alone already.” Iwaizumi appeared from behind Oikawa and grabbed his ear to pry him away from Ushijima. Ushijima and Iwaizumi shared a nod as Oikawa was pulled away, babbling protests and whines like a bratty child. Burning lasers fell upon Ushijima, he looked towards the source to see Kuroo pull an usually dark expression at him. It sent chills down him honestly, and he got up from his seat to approach Kuroo to see what was up.

“You okay?” Ushijima asked, uncertainty and worry in his voice.

Kuroo’s dagger eyes didn’t wear out, and he chuckled without humor. “Oh I’m fiiiine , what were you and shit fac- Oikawa talking about?” His words were slurred but Ushijima could still hear the acid burn through.

“Nothing much, he was just asking how we were. Told him we’re perfect, because we are.”

Kuroo began to speak, but was interrupted by Bokuto’s louder, more dominant voice. “Come on Kuroooo, you’re the upgrade! Don’t take mind to that sour ass.” For once, Ushijima 100% agreed with Bokuto.

“Duh, I’m not even mad!” Kuroo laughed, smacking both Bokuto and Ushijima on the backs. “Toshiiiii why aren’t you drinking?”

“I am,” Ushijima held up a cup and Kuroo frowned, “I’m just not as ridiculous as the two of you.”

Tendou returned to the table to find more drinks from the kitchen, scooting up close to Kuroo and Bokuto. “Yeah, and this is why other people have more fun than you Wakkun!” Ushijima raised his eyebrows at the three shit grinning bastards in front of him. Tendou really did fit in with the other two nutcases, and he was glad he finally found people to be crazy with him, something Ushijima couldn’t really give Tendou as a friend. He sighed and smiled softly, taking a short sip from his cup. Daichi was observing from afar and took this as his que to step in.

“Well, Ushijima will be living longer than the lot of you. He has some sense .”

“True, but no point living a long boring life!” Kuroo chuckled, conversations arising gradually as time passed and more people joined in. Even Oikawa had settled down and was being less annoying, so the rest of the night went smooth and well. It felt nice to catch up with everyone, even old rivals in Karasuno. He may have disliked Hinata and Kageyama in the past but they had grew up and matured a bit now, and it was possible to have a normal conversation with them. Along with the fact they had nothing to hate each other over now that they are no longer competing in volleyball.

“Heeeey we should actually have like… y’know a volley ball date with all of us!” Hinata flailed his arms around as he spoke, as though the arm movements had words of their own to support his actual speech.

“I fucking would, but life is so buuuuusssy,” Bokuto whined, dropping his head on the table, “I mean after this semester is done then actually yeah.”

“I forgot how to play.” Kenma mumbled, playing around with his empty cup next to Kuroo.

“Pfffff nope you haven’t, you’re just finding a way out of this.” Kuroo ruffled Kenma’s recently touched up hair. Ushijima wasn’t used to seeing Kenma with fully blonde hair, and the fact it was much longer now. It suited him however, making him look fresh. “Hey wait, you did your hair?”

“Like you didn’t notice the glaringly obvious roots are no longer there.” Kenma frowned, surprised Kuroo out of everyone was last to notice his hair.

“Damn I thought there was something different! Was thinking this whole time like maybe you’re wearing makeup or some shit.”

“You’re drunk.” Kenma commented, rolling his eyes as Kuroo’s babbling became more difficult to understand.

“Your hair is sooo long now what the hell…” Kuroo, as usual, was invading Kenma’s personal bubble, touching and tugging at his hair. If it was anyone else doing that Kenma would have clawed out their eyes. “Why am I so poor.”

“Why are you so random.” Kenma hummed, not paying much notice now to Kuroo stroking his hair.

“No, no for real… My airbags are gonna cost like ¥300,000!”

“Your airbags?” Kenma turned his attention back on Kuroo, brows furrowed.

Bokuto exploded into a booming, cackling laugh and slammed his hands on the table. “That’s what happens when you get a shitty car! His fucking airbags face fucked him from someone tapping his car.”

“My car was fine before that. I’m so pissssssed.” Kuroo groaned, sinking into his seat. “I should get student discount. Like 95% off.”

“That’s a nasty number… Good thing they didn’t go off while you were driving at least.” Daichi mentioned.

“Wish they would have, so then I’d be too dead to pay for anything.” Kuroo chuckled and Ushijima kicked him under the table for saying something so morbid.

“ Too dead? Ooooh that’s a cool way to say shit, I’m gonna use that one!” Bokuto exclaimed.

“That makes zero sense.” Kenma sighed. His eyes moved over to Kuroo’s arm, pushing up his sleeve to see his now fully healed cat tattoo. “I like it.”

“Course you do, it’s a cat!”

Ushijima lacked understanding on why Kuroo was so obsessed with horror movies, why on earth did he want to scare himself to no sleep? Horror movies didn’t scare Ushijima, but Kuroo was a cowering cat with them. They decided on something less scary and more gorey for the night, as Ushijima refused to deal with Kuroo being too frightened to turn the lights off.

“Zombies? Every zombie movie is basically the same.” Ushijima frowned at how excited Kuroo was.

“Noooo I swear this one is pretty cool you need to watch it!”

“I could make a better zombie than half of these movies portray.”

Kuroo raised his eyes from the DVD cover and smirked at Ushijima. “Oh yeah? Go apply for a role for a zombie then, we’ll see how good you are.”

“I could demonstrate here, and you’ll be the judge. Mr. horror expert.” He smiled smugly, which was a refreshing look on the usually fixated stern expression, and it frankly turned Kuroo on.

The bed head leaned back on the floor, resting on his arms and nodded towards Ushijima for him to proceed his so called demonstration. They sat staring at each other for a while, Kuroo expecting the other to literally act brain dead or something but was quite terrified when Ushijima lunged himself at Kuroo, pushing him onto the floor and pinning him down, making growling and hissing sounded against his neck. Now, anyone that knew Kuroo knew how unbearably ticklish he was if anything came close to his neck. He howled with laughter with both panic and the fact he was being tickled. He felt Ushijima’s teeth press down not so lightly onto the thin, delicate skin and he thrashed around more, the sensitivity becoming torture. “FUCK, TOSHI STOOOP, STOP IT TICKLES!” He was half laughing half crying, or maybe he was doing one or the other but Ushijima couldn’t really tell from how hysterical he was. It was hilarious to him how pathetic Kuroo was right now, choking on his own laughs and spit from reacting so badly to being tickled. He’d be hard as hell to kill if someone tried slitting his throat, he’d just laugh himself to death if anything.

Ushijima finally pulled away, red faced and grinning down at mess below him. Kuroo had cried, a lot. His face heated to a rose colour from lack of air and teeth marks were embedded on his soft neck. He was still giggling, and Ushijima was starting to think he broke the poor guy. He had never dared tickled him for more than 10 seconds in case he actually suffocated. “What mark do I get?”

“A fuck you out of 10.” Kuroo panted, a toothy grin still plastered on his face.

“I could do better.” Ushijima chuckled, and fear struct Kuroo’s face as he realised what was going to happen while Ushijima just diving back down to bite his neck again.

“You shit head! I’m gonna die for real stooop!” Kuroo’s struggling and flailing was futile under Ushijima’s strong and heavy grip, and he sure loved to dominate Kuroo like this. He paused from the throat eating and looked at Kuroo again, feeling like he could fall in love a billion more times with something so beautiful. Ushijima’s face fell to something awing as he marvelled over his man, disbelief that he had something so incredible that loved him all the same back. It was like a dream, what did he do to deserve something this good? Time seemed to skip as the two realised they fell into a deep kiss, Ushijima still not releasing his grip on Kuroo’s arms on either side of his head. The taste of chocolate buttons still lingered on Kuroo’s lips, and the unique smell of Kuroo filled and pleased Ushijima’s nose. Kuroo closed his teeth lightly around Ushijima’s bottom lip, opening his sharp eyes slowly. Ushijima may have been the more dominant one, but Kuroo definitely held a special kind of power over him. That look he gave him made the larger, stronger man melt and go limp under the gaze. It made him feel weak all the way through his body, yet it felt euphoric and a feeling uncomparable with anything else.

Kuroo’s hair struck a nerve in Ushijima. Just how did it stick up like that by just suffocating himself between pillows? He had never one met another person with hair like Kuroo’s, and it became a daily challenge to attempt to flatten it. Not because he didn’t like his hair sticking up, just because the challenge was near impossible and Ushijima was always that one guy to take on impossible tasks. Kuroo was sat at the kitchen table, scrolling through his phone with a cup of tea in his free hand. No notice was given to Ushijima stood behind him holding his hair down with wet hands, and continues to stand there holding his hair for the next 20 minutes while he watched the news on the T.V through the door.

“You should give up, I’ve tried for years.” Kuroo chuckled.

“Hmmmm, its hair. There's got to be some way to flatten it.”

“I dunno, it kinda deflates through the day if that counts. Gel won’t work by the way.”

“Shit. Anyway get off your phone,” Ushijima temporarily gave up on Kuroo's hair and left it for another day to tackle, knocking Kuroo's phone across the table, “we’re cooking.”

“Oya? What's for dinner?”

“Katsu chicken curry?”

“I have no idea how to ma-”

“It's literally the easiest thing, I'll show you.”

Ushijima had successfully trained Kuroo into cooking simple and basic dishes as he had little concentration for the more complicated meals, but nonetheless Kuroo was steadily becoming a better cook and Ushijima was rather proud. Kuroo even reduced his takeaway eating habits to once every 2 weeks, which was a big milestone to hit. Making the breaded chicken from scratch however, made Ushijima nervous. It was simple enough, but leaving Kuroo alone with a knife is frankly terrifying, the man being usually clumsy. Ushijima had lost count of the amount of times he had bloodied vegetables when he was left to chopping them.

“Wait, wait is it flour or egg first?” Kuroo hovered the slimy, cut up chicken breast over the bowls as he looked to Ushijima for help, who was making the curry sauce.

“Flour then egg. Arrange the bowls in order so you don't forget. And make sure you season them first.”

“Y’know it looks pretty good raw. Nice and juicy.” Kuroo jokingly held the breast up to his face and stuck his tongue out dangerously close to the raw meat.

“Tetsu if you lick that then die I'm not arranging your funeral.”

“How meeeeean!” He whined, still flopping around the meat before finally dipping it in the flour. “I've actually read something about raw meat diets and shit, it's pretty fucked up. But I've always kinda wanted to just rip apart bloody meat and shit, look like some hardcore Viking or something.”

“I'm pretty sure even vikings cooked their meat.”

“Fuck it, caveman then.”

“Well you already have the appearance to qualify for one, so go ahead with your raw meat.”

“I will, then I’ll give you a nice sloppy kiss!”

“No thank you, I don't want any diseases.”

“You're such an ass- fuck I dipped it in the egg first.”

“I told you to put the bowls in order.”

They eventually succeeded in preparing a very delicious katsu chicken curry, and Kuroo learnt to finally place the bowls in order. Ushijima hoped to someday get Kuroo to cook bigger things, but baby steps were needed before walking into greatness.

The sound of the viscously tapping keyboard keys traveled around the apartment, with the dim lamps giving off soft, warm hues which made it feel more homely in Ushijima’s opinion. He much prefered that over blindly, bright white lights. Ushijima pulled his eyes away from the laptop screen to glance at Kuroo who was sat with his knees up on the couch, ear phones in ears but he was just staring into space, looking rather content. He noticed Kuroo did that a lot, simply just sit somewhere and chill like that for hours, it was a question as to what music he was listening to for him to remain so still and immobile for that long. It was very unlike Kuroo.

Ushijima stood from the singular couch seat and set his laptop down on the floor, making his way over to sit by Kuroo and threw an arm around him. He tapped the home button on Kuroo’s phone, revealing the song title. ‘Missio - I run to you.’ Ushijima hadn’t heard of either the artist or the song title, so he plucked an ear bud out of Kuroo’s ear and placed it in his own. “It sounds… Sad.”

“Mmm, but the lyrics are beautiful.” Kuroo smiled and leaned his head on Ushijima’s shoulder, who’s face was focused on listening to the song.

“What do they mean?”

“It means however you perceive it to be.”

It wasn’t uncommon for Kuroo to say things in such a way that twisted Ushijima’s mind, it only further showed how deep his mind was, how much thought and perception he put into anything he came into contact with. He truly had the mind of a genius. “...Hmmm…”

Kuroo raised his head from Ushijima shoulder and looked at the man’s face, his eyes falling over each and every detail it held. No matter how many times he looked at Ushijima, he always found himself falling in love all over again. “I perceive it to be us.”

A crease formed between Ushijima’s eyebrows and he looked over to Kuroo. “Us?” With how the lyrics were going, he’d guess Kuroo was saying their relationship was a struggle.

“Because we don’t give up on each other, right?” There it was, that genuine, soft smile that blessed Kuroo’s features. Once again a time where Kuroo has proven his mind to stretch much further than Ushijima could dream to push his own, and that is why he needed him by his side, to be that door to lead him into that new and open universe.

“No, we don’t…” Ushijima tugged on Kuroo’s oversized hoodie to set his head down on his lap, running his now trained gentle hands through the soft mess that was called hair. He felt Kuroo’s breathes soften and slow as he fell into deeper comfort on his lap. It took Ushijima a moment to realise the hoodie he was wearing was his, and Kuroo was holding the large sleeves up to his face where he breathed gently. “I was wondering where that hoodie went.”

“Mhmmm…”

The lack of response hinted to Ushijima that Kuroo was on the verge of falling into a deep sleep, so he let him be while he played with his hair and continued to listen to the songs that shuffled on Kuroo’s phone. They were all surprisingly of the same nature as the last, soul touching and meaningful. Ushijima would have never normally paid any attention to the lyrics, but he found himself relating to some level to most if not all the songs, and he understood why Kuroo would listen to stuff like this.

The pub atmosphere was as typical as any pub someone would come across in at least some point in their lives. The smell of beer and food, the air hazy with cigarette smoke, loud laughter and cheers from groups of men and the booming T.V playing some sort of live sports. It was a perfect social gathering area for Ushijima to spend some time with his long time Shiratorizawa friends, who were then only teammates in the past but remained stuck with each other past school. Ushijima was rather surprised some of the group was still together, being almost certain his only thing in common with anyone was his love for volleyball. However they weren't just going to let their former captain go so easily, and kept him glued to the group, ensuring he attended these social gatherings when organised.

“Wakkun you're quiet tonight!” Tendou startled Ushijima out of his thoughts, greeting him with his usual hyper and loud voice.

“Huh, he's always quiet.” Semi said while he took a gulp of his beer. “Anything interesting happening in life?”

“Well,” Ushijima was unsure whether he should confess to his plans now or wait a little while, but he settled for mentioning it now, “I uh… I have to tell you something actually.”

“Oh I sense a shift in seriousness, why you nervous? Is it something bad?” Tendou asked.

“Not bad just uh… I'm proposing to Tetsurou.” Semi and Tendou stared wide eyed and hanging jaws. “...Or is it too soon?”

“W- no not too soon! It's been like what, 2 years and a bit? That's awesome, our Wakkun is gonna get married!” Tendou burst out, excitement uncontainable and contagious as Semi too began to transit from shocked to happy.

“If you think now is the right time then go for it, you two seem pretty perfect.” Semi smiled at Ushijima.

“Who knew you were gonna marry the guy who blocked all your spikes in school, it's fate!”

“Well, he hasn't said yes yet.” Ushijima said.

“When do you plan on asking him?” Semi asked.

Ushijima hummed to himself in thought, realising he hadn't exactly planned it through other than getting the ring. “Some time this week I guess.” Semi and Tendou called out a good luck in usion, feeling proud that Ushijima had found love deep enough to bound it in every way possible.

The words that left Kuroo’s mouth were something along the lines of ‘I’m not drunk’ , yet even he damn well knew he couldn’t walk, see, speak or even think. And that was just about where the line was drawn to how far he could think, and didn’t manage process someone was speaking to him for the past 20 minutes. “‘Scuse me but I’m gonna have to go die somewhere.” Kuroo waved in the stranger's face, who gave him a mortified look upon realising how one sided the conversation was going was after all. Kuroo pushed past the poor sod, weaving through equally as wasted people as himself and felt the occasional spill of cold liquid on his shirt from the bumps and stumbles. It wasn’t usually hard to find Bokuto, his hair being a massive give away along with his consistently loud void and overall demeanor, but Kuroo honestly couldn’t even tell his left from right  and had no clue where the hell he was.

An unfamiliar chuckled came from beside Kuroo, a hand on his arm to keep him steady to accompany it. “You okay there?”  

“Where’s Bo?” He managed to slur, still not able to keep his eyes fixed in one direction to get a good look at the stranger’s face.

“Bo? Not sure who that is buddy, come with me we’ll get a seat before you fall.”

“No, nooo I’m great, fine, puurrrfect I can stand!”

The man only laughed loudly in response but pulled Kuroo over into the now unoccupied bathroom, shutting the door and locking it. Kuroo crashed down onto the shut toilet seat and looked around the cramped space, but now his vision was closer to being a bit more level he could take a better look at his new friend. “Y’need a piss or somethin’?”

“You do blow?”

“If it’s for free.” Kuroo snickered and leaned back on the toilet, looking up towards the ceiling. What he did not expect however, was for this nameless person he just met to share the pricey white powder. “Huuuh, I can’t give you anything for that.”

“Just your attention and pretty eyes on me all night will do.”

“I’m taken.”

His eyebrows raised in half surprise, before dropping back down into a relaxed expression. “That’s no problem, it won’t hurt to look at me though right?”

Reluctantly, Kuroo took the man’s phone where a line was neatly cut up, a rolled up note in the other hand. He, of course planned on ditching him as soon as he took this line. “Your generosity shall be repaid…”

It was a little more than a struggle to escape than Kuroo first interpreted, getting awkward and inappropriate touches that egged on a right hook to the face but Kuroo didn’t want to stir shit up, especially after getting free drugs off the guy. “Come onnnn, your body language totally tells me you don’t get enough attention from your man!”

That line struck a nerve in Kuroo, who bit his lip to hold himself back from snapping. He wouldn’t have been irritated if it wasn’t in fact true . Kuroo was desperate from some more attention off Ushijima, he craved more affection and intimacy, but was always shut down with ‘I’m tired’ or ‘I’m busy’ or something else along those lines to break his heart a little bit more each time. He wondered if he was being flirty by pure accident so he’d get attention off someone else, but it made him feel incredibly sick and disgusted with himself that’d he’d even think that way. He loved Ushijima, more than words could even touch the surface of how he felt, but he was greedy. He wanted more, he was addicted to the feeling like heroin and his tolerance was either rising or the dose was lowering, he couldn’t tell anymore.

“Hey, hey! Kuroo!” Finally, a voice Kuroo could connect to a face and he couldn’t feel happier he was just indirectly saved. Kuroo spun around and threw himself onto Bokuto, linking his arms tightly around his neck. Bokuto was shocked at first, but click when he sensed with his 6th sense his best friend silently scream for help. “Bro- baaaabe hey where’ve you been?! Sorry I ditched you I was uh --” Kuroo glanced behind him subtly to witness the look of horror on his harasser's face, and smirked to himself.

“I’ll get going…” He mumbled, disappearing through the doors and Kuroo sighed in relief.   

“Fucking hell, Bo. Where were you, I was dying!”

“Fuck I’m sorry, me and Akaashi were uuuuh…” His face heated up and he had that kind of love struck expression plastered all over his features. “Y’know like --”

“Yeah, yeah I get it… Where’s he now?”

“Just talking wi-- Dude you better wipe you nose before you go home.” Bokuto intrusively ducked down and held his face close to Kuroo’s to look up his nose, which was rimmed with specks of white powder. “Ushi would throw a fit!”

Kuroo giggled and glanced around quickly before dipping into his pocket and pulling out a small, clear baggie containing some small white rocks. “Dumb ass didn’t notice me fishing his pockets, he was too busy drooling over me.”

Bokuto’s eyes widened, as did his mouth before laughing. “No way, sneaky shit! That’s a lot to do on your own.” He wiggled his brows in a not so subtle hint.

“I’m not ready for my funeral yet, want a line now?”

“Yeah! Where’s the --” Bokuto turned around to meet nose to nose with Akaashi, whose eyes were stern and sharp looking between Bokuto and Kuroo.

“Where’s the what?” He asked, raising a brow while Bokuto felt the sweat travel down his back.

“Uh… bathroom?” A sheepish, almost horrified grin shakily made an appearance on the owls face, and Kuroo took that as his queue to escape in one piece.

Ushijima was beginning to believe fate itself was trying its hardest to stop him from proposing to Kuroo. Was it really too soon? They had been together for a little over two years, knowing each other inside and out off by heart, and experienced moments together that were irreplaceable and unforgettable, yet maybe they just needed that little bit more time to sail past the dreaded rocks. Rocks were flaring up again and again, and Ushijima knew it was unavoidable in any relationship. It still hurt to fight over minor things however, that only ended up escalating to a forest fire.

“Tetsurou, tell me what you're thinking. Seriously! I can't understand if you won't speak.”

“I am speaking dumb ass, you just don't understand because you're a dense piece of shit. I'm needy, okay? I get fucking zero attention from you and you just go on about your day like you don't need me.”

“What? I do give you attention, what do you expect me to do, look at your 24/7? We both are busy with studies, we both work. We can't spend all day every day together and that's normal-”

“And the little time we do have together you can't be bothered with me. You'd rather go to pubs and shit and talk with other people instead someone literally right next to you already.”

“Tetsurou I don't get it! What do you want?! I can't fix this on my own, you're usually too moody to talk to and I assume you want to be left alone.”

“I fucking hate being left alone Ushijima, you know that.”

Ushijima winced at Kuroo using formalities to address him for the first time in years. It didn't sit right on Kuroo's tongue, and it was a clear red sign things were going downhill. “You blame me for this gap between us yet you're always out drinking and doing shit and whatever the hell else I don't know what you're up to. For all I know you could be out with another guy while you’re blinded by alcohol.”

“You saying I cheat?” Kuroo laughed humorlessly.

“I see how you get when you're drunk, you're fucking easy to take advantage of and I don't imagine you being able to tell anyone to fuck off.” Ushijima knew this was adding fuel into the fire, but he had to say what was on his mind one way or another. He couldn't stop himself from feeling jealousy over strangers Kuroo may glance at, or how chatty and even flirty Kuroo got when he had a few drinks too many.

“What the fuck,” Kuroo's voice was deep and threatening, “you’re saying I cheat ? You’re saying I can't handle myself when I'm fucking drunk- I'm not a fucking player you ass! I don't dare go near other people whether I'm plastered or not, in fact other people have never interested me. And to hear you have that little trust in me is a knife up my ass. Seriously.”

“What about drugs then. You know I don't like that shit and you go and do it anyway.”

“What fucking drugs, I don't-”

“Don't lie, found cocaine or whatever in your pocket last time you came back from drinking.”

“Fuck you, Ushijima. It's not my fault you're such an uptight fucker that can't see past your own morals and rules and needs to push everything you know onto the rest of the world. Fuck you and your fucking superiority . You're no better than me or just because I have my ways of having fun, I'm not a dumb ass. I'm not as fucking stupid and childish as you seem I think I am.”

“I didn't say you were stupid.”

“Then why the hell are you even daring to tell me off like you're my mom or some shit because oh no I use drugs. I'm not a crackhead.”

“You're missing the fucking point, drugs are dangerous. They fucking ruin lives and you call it fun .”

“Oh because it is Mr. Perfect. It's so fun, I can't have a single night out without snorting a big fat line of coke! I'm so happy with it, so much more happy than being stuck here with a boring piece of shit like you.” The last line was dark and blunt, but was sharper than ever when it sliced through Ushijima’s chest. His temper was usually locked away in a tight chest, rarely making an exit, but this time round it came out all at once and he couldn't stop himself from lashing at Kuroo. Why did his beautiful rose, the stunning love of his life, his damn soul want to hurt him like this? Why was Kuroo doing this to him? Ushijima just couldn't understand, he couldn't comprehend why love in general included heartbreak and pain along with it. Ushijima grabbed violently onto Kuroo's shoulders, pushing him roughly back into the wall near a table where a vase was smashed in the process, cutting Kuroo's hand. Ushijima was too blind with rage to notice the damage he was doing though, keeping his grip tight and painful around Kuroo's arm against the wall and his other hand clutching a fistful of the front of Kuroo's hoodie.

“Why the fuck are you doing this Tetsurou?! What makes you feel so good to fucking hurt me like this? You always down me like that, as though I'm fucking indestructible and won't mind you saying shit like that but it hurts, it really hurts! Tell me right now, do you love me?!” Ushijima’s eyes were wide and teary, searching Kuroo's borderline terrified face for an answer. He was confused at to why Kuroo looked scared of him, before he realise how roughly he was holding him, and then spotted the blood.

“Get off, that hurts.” He mumbled, his voice lost in fear of setting Ushijima off like that again.

“Oh my god… Tetsu-” Ushijima released his grip and almost choked on a sob as he realised what he had done, and desperately searched his mind for a way to make up for that, but it was impossible as he could never forgive himself for hurting Kuroo. “Tetsurou I'm so sorry… oh my god I didn't mean-”

Kuroo watched Ushijima tremble and get stuck on his words as he crumbled under the guilt of hurting him. “It doesn't matter, I'll go to Bokuto’s.”

He couldn't bring himself to reach out to Kuroo to stop his from walking away, in fear he'd hurt him again. He remained silent, listening to Kuroo's footsteps fade out of the apartment, the closing door finaling his loneliness. What did I do…

Sleep wasn't something that wanted to put Ushijima at some form of ease or temporary comfort from this situation. The hour was hitting close to 2am and he just couldn't shake the nagging feeling to check on Kuroo. He knows Kuroo literally just admitted he didn't like being left alone, but after what Ushijima did he didn't even want to look at himself in the mirror out of pure disgust for his actions. Shoving Kuroo like that was crossing a line and there was no excuse for it, and Ushijima understood that completely.

He finally gave up and dashed for his phone, hurriedly tapping in Kuroo's contact but of course expected no response. Landing on the voicemail wasn't a shock so he went to plan B and rang Bokuto. It rang and rang, Ushijima was beginning to worry Kuroo had told him to ignore him as well but it was understandable.

“Uuugh, hello?” Bokuto’s voice was thick with sleep, low and hoarse.

“Bokuto, sorry to wake you. Is Tetsurou there?”

“Whaaa, noooo wait Kuroo's here?! Where, what how-”

“He didn't go to yours?” Ushijima’s voice sparked in worry as he wouldn't know where else Kuroo would go.

“I mean… no I don't think so- Oh wait I got a text,” Bokuto fell silent on the line and Ushijima waited nervously for him to speak again, “uh well he said he was coming but he ain't here. Why what happened?”

“We had a fight, kind of bad one. Do you know where else he'd go?”

“Aw shit… uh well no if he say he's coming he usually ends up here in 10 min… he sent that text like an hour ago… need help looking for him?” Bokuto's voice was fully awake now and masked with concern.

“If you don't mind, try ringing him please. He’ll likely just ignore my calls.”

“Yeah I'm on it, hey don't worry bro! He's probably fine and messing around with some stray cat or something.”

“You're probably right… thank you Bokuto.”

“No probs!”

Ushijima felt guilty for waking up several people, but his concern for Kuroo was rising as the minutes ticked by. He wasn’t at Kenma’s either, which is the only other place Ushijima would guess he would go. Bokuto had no luck in reaching Kuroo either, maybe he just put himself in total lockdown ignore mode. However, it was rare he’d ignore even Bokuto. It only made Ushijima feel shitter, knowing he seriously fucked up this time to upset Kuroo this much. He decided to stay up for the rest of the night and wait for some news from anyone, watching random T.V shows to pass the time yet he couldn’t concentrate on what was happening for more than 3 minutes. His mind was invaded by anxiety and worry, wondering if Kuroo was okay, if he was sad right now, if he would ever forgive him. He dug around his pockets and pulled out the small box which contained a simple looking ring embedded with a single diamond meant for Kuroo. He stared at the glinstering object for a long while before sighing sadly, placing it back in it’s box and buried back into his pocket. Another worry that weighed heavily on his mind was the fate of this perfect, beautiful, incredible relationship. If Kuroo were to choose to not forgive Ushijima, he would be lost in a dark, endless pit with no light. Horror movies never scared Ushijima, neither did ghosts, spiders, snakes, or whatever the hell is on the common things to be scared of list. But he was horrified at the thought of losing the light in his life, his pure and beautiful forever bloomed rose. Ushijima felt like he’d rather die than get to that stage, and it was strange to believe his past self would have never felt so strongly for another person that wasn’t himself.

Time was a funny thing, although remaining a set amount of time, the time that is felt vary tremendously depending on the situation. Ushijima felt hours pass by yet was only shocked to see it had been half an hour. His eyes grew heavier yet his mind blared with various thoughts and worries that tormented him to keep him awake. When the T.V made him far too restless, he switched to cleaning the entire apartment, cleaning already clean dishes, making the bed and organising rooms all over again. Anything to draw his mind away from this cursed worrying that isolated him from the sleeping world at the moment. He just wanted to sleep, sleep to pass the time, sleep to forget what a monster he was today, sleep to feel a temporary fix of the mess he was in the middle of. Ushijima restrained himself from shamefully begging to the most likely non existent gods to show him mercy at this point, but deep down he knew he deserved this. A fresh red rose remained sat on the table near the door where Ushijima had left it as a surprise when he came in, but it was of course ignored. He thought he should maybe put it in water but he had no motivation to try and look after something so meaningless at this point in time.

The blaring sound of the landline startled Ushijima from his near sleeping state that was wedged between the dream world and reality, it was a strange and mind boggling feeling and he wasn’t sure where he was or what the sound was for a long moment before his mind finally woke up completely. It took a bit of stumbling and eye rubbing before he reached the landline phone, picking it up and sighing into it, he wondered who would be calling the house phone at this time.

“Hello?” Ushijima asked, his voice hoarse from sleep and lack of speaking for the past few hours.

“Hello, is this the residential of uhm,” There was a short pause on the other side of the line, and Ushijima could catch the faint busy background noise, “Kuroo Tetsurou?”

“Kuroo? What? Yes I’m his partner, who’s this?”

“Ah I have some news which may be very distressing but please try to remain calm, I’m calling from the central hospital and your partner has been in a serious car accident and is in critical condition…” The world went cold and froze over to a total stop. Ushijima could no longer hear the woman’s voice which faded out to nothing but a high pitched buzzing and his sight deteriorated into nothing but dark spots and splodges that danced around his vision until it was all dark. He felt his blood run cold through to his head and his legs were on the verge of giving out beneath his weight. “Sir? Sir are you still there? Is everything okay?”

“H-he’s… No… It’s not Kuroo-” It’s not Kuroo, please not Kuroo...

Ushijima felt like he must have blacked out at least 10 times on his way to the hospital, his hands trembling uncontrollably that he had to drive significantly slower to keep a safe amount of control over his vehicle. The news wasn’t real yet, this must have been a huge misunderstanding and they got the wrong guys identification card. He could do nothing more than pray desperately to anyone that was listening that this was nothing more than a horrific nightmare and Ushijima did indeed fall asleep earlier. At the very least, Kuroo was fine with a cut of some sort. The description critical condition echoed through his mind, knowing that meant many, most likely horrible things. Dark thoughts invaded Ushijima’s mind, thinking what if Kuroo was paralysed, what if he could never walk again, what if he didn’t even make it by the time he got to hospital. “Stop it, Ushijima. He’s fine. He’s strong.” He shook his head violently in attempt to put his thoughts at bay and put on a brave face for Kuroo. What good could he do if he was a mess, the most important time Kuroo needed Ushijima to stay strong.

He pulling into a parking space and wasted no more time in sprinting across the parking lot, following various signs that directed to the emergency department. All those morning jogs paid off when Ushijima honestly felt him running was getting him places faster than his car was. Upon entering through the automatic glass doors, Ushijima was drenched in sweat from both exhaustion and anxiety, and hurried over to the reception desk. Ushijima found that his voice was pretty much lost in panic as he couldn’t get his words out for a full minute, the woman behind the desk standing up in concern. “S-sorry, I got a call… My partn- Kuroo Tetsurou. He was in a car accident?”

“Ah hello sir, right now you won’t be allowed to see him beca-”

“How is he? What happened? He’s going to be fine right?!” Ushijima’s strong voice was never one to crack and falter, but right now it was anything but steady and level. The woman looked at him sympathetically and typed something out the computer.

“Can I take your name please?”

“U-Ushijima… Wakatoshi.”

“Our staff are working hard to get him stable right now as he’s in critical condition, please understand this may take a while before you hear any further news. However, I can direct you to the waiting area where you will be informed of any changes if they are to come.”

Ushijima stared hopelessly at her before nodding, following her directed hand up the hallway towards the seated area in the corridor, with a couple of paramedics speaking with one another. He mumbled a few excuse me’s to avoid knocking anyone over with his size and strength, along with his total lack of awareness at that moment before dropping himself down onto one of the seats lined up against the wall. Another presence made itself known beside him and he raised his gaze up towards him.

“You okay buddy? You look pretty pale.” The paramedic asked, his own expression reading concern itself.

“I… don’t even know what’s going on in there… I don’t even know if he’s okay or if he’ll-” Live? Ushijima didn’t dare bring himself to say it, but the paramedic already foresaw that question and gave a sympathetic hand to shoulder.

“Oh- Someone from the car accident?”

“My boyfriend, messy hair, tattoos and stuff...” Ushijima’s voice trailed off when he noticed the shift in the man’s expression, signalling something was off. “You know who I mean?”

“The one that was quite a bit luckier to hold onto his life unlike the other guy… But he may have been in much better condition if his airbags deployed.” Ushijima felt a cold shiver shake him to the bone at the mention of his airbags, a seemingly minor problem Ushijima hadn’t thought about for a while. He had completely forgotten Kuroo never got his airbags replaced, and now that mistake had returned to haunt them.

“H-he’s going to be okay right? How bad is his head? How did he crash? He’s not a bad driver so why…” Sure, Kuroo speeds often. But not so far over the limit he loses total control. That’s what Ushijima wanted to believe anyway.

“Time will tell the severity of his head injury… But from the scene and comments from witnesses it didn’t look like he was at fault, don’t worry. Apparently guy in the opposite line tried cutting it close and overtake a trailer truck in front of him, only to collide into another oncoming car.” He gave a quick nod towards the shut doors ahead of them, noting it was Kuroo’s car he went into.

Was it anger he was feeling, or overwhelming sorrow that Kuroo was in this mess due to the fault of another driver. There was no way, even in this cruel world Kuroo deserved this. “What happened to the other driver…” He couldn’t help but sound bitter and feel hatred towards this person he’s never even met.

“He passed away at the scene, we couldn’t do anything for him.” He sighed and moved his gaze towards the doors, looking lost in thought for a while before smiling. “Your partner definitely has an angel watching over him to make it here, so keep your head up.”

If someone was to ask what it would feel like if the earth went still, Ushijima would describe this very moment. It suddenly struck him he couldn’t even blame the now dead driver who caused the accident, he could only blame himself for letting Kuroo leave in the first place, for flaring up that argument more than he should had, for losing his temper. Ushijima only blamed himself, and that’s what killed him inside the most.

Chapter Text

The soft sound of the wind blowing was the only company Kuroo had as he sat silently in his car, along with the easily missable sizzle of his cigarette as he took a long drag out of it. It was surprising how silent it could get when the world went to sleep, the kind of silence one could get lost in for a very long time and drag them down to the dark parts of their mind. Kuroo was experiencing the horror of being alone in the dark silence first hand, and the discomfort was comparable to a caged bird clawing at the inside of chest, desperate to get out and be free. He took a quick look at his cut up hand, the gash attempting to clot but still finding a way to pool out if he didn’t clutch his hand into a fist against his sleeve. It didn’t hurt, and he in no way blamed Ushijima for it, he was most upset it even escalated to that point. Never had he angered Ushijima that much that he’d lose control like that, and Kuroo was beginning to see what an asshole he was really turning into. “I’m a fucking idiot.” He huffed, raising his uninjured hand up to his face and sighed deeply into it. He was so blinded by his own needs and cravings he couldn’t see Ushijima’s pain, the greed for something more overtook, corrupted and twisted him into something ugly and he only realised when the damage had already been done.

He drew his phone out of his pocket while he flicked the cigarette out of the window, scrolling down to Bokuto’s name. He was half tempted to ring but opted through shooting him a text instead, feeling if he tried to speak nothing would come out at this moment. It was proven a good choice when the tears started to stream uncontrollably, his sinus getting blocked and ears growing warmer. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried, maybe he sniffled a bit at sad dog movies, but to bawl like he did now was a rare occurrence. He held his face in his sleeves and weeped silently, he was scared- terrified even of what was to come after this. Will him and Ushijima be fine after this, or did this sole night leave a permanent scar on their petals, or even tear off a good chunk of them? He didn’t know, and not knowing is what encouraged the tears to continue falling. Kuroo couldn’t tell if time was passing really slow or really fast, and he couldn’t bring himself to really care. He stayed like that until he physically ran out of any more tears, his eyes burning and red rimmed from drying themselves out. He may have stopped crying on the outside, but he was sure as hell still weeping like a baby inside. Kuroo took a shaky breath and turned the key to started the engine, figuring he better move before someone he knew saw him in such a mess and never let him live it down for the rest of his life.

The floor squeaked to the rubber beneath shoes, and the swinging doors made a similar sound but more deafening. A repeated process that could drive anyone mad who could bare to sit for that long, however Ushijima sat stiller than a rock. The horrifically annoying sounds couldn’t even break the trance he fell into, and Bokuto spotted the way Ushijima hadn’t even lifted- or twitched a finger. It was unnerving sitting next to someone who resembled a statue. Bokuto wanted his usual optimism to shine through, he wanted to badly to lift their spirits somehow, but as more time passed the more real the most likely truth was becoming. This was bad, terrible and scarier than a horror story, and Bokuto could do no more to convince himself, let alone anyone else otherwise. It was almost as if they had been forgotten there and had morphed into objects planted around the hallways, easily ignored and pushed to the side.

They were finally approached by a man, presumably a doctor, who look exhausted as ever and needed a week’s worth of sleep to recover. Bokuto looked up towards him with hope, nudged Ushijima as he did so. “You’re friends of Kuroo?”

Bokuto took a quick glance towards Ushijima to gather he wasn’t ready to talk yet, so he took it upon himself. “Yeah, and that’s his boyfriend. How is he? He gonna be okay?”

The soul eating silence the doctor held was enough evidence that it wasn’t going to be ‘good news and bad news’ situation, it was painfully clear it was mostly bad news judging by his face. “He gets to keep his legs, is the good news. However how it heals will determine if he’ll be able to walk on them pain free again… As for his head, he hasn’t responded to any stimuli.” The two men flicked their eyes towards each other and back to the doctor, who then continued. “Through the CT scan we’ve discovered his skull is fractured, as well as bleeding and swelling within the brain.”

No matter how many words left the doctor, Ushijima couldn't even connect meaning behind them. “So he’s…”

“Essentially brain damaged, to what extent we can't determine yet until he wakes up. But through the damage there is it would be a miracle if he does so.”

“What do you mean a miracle ? He's going to wake up right?!” The panic was clear on Bokuto's face, who was starting to feel the full blow of the news.

“For now he's comatose and responds to no stimuli whatsoever, depending on how long he stays like that we may be able to give a clearer answer wh--”

“Coma.” Ushijima repeated, reciting the word in his head to gather what exactly that meant. Such a word held so much meaning, generally for lost hope.

“Traumatic brain injuries are hard to determine a clear explanation of the effects until much later on, and as Kuroo is comatose there isn't much more information we can give… I'm terribly sorry.”

Bokuto looked like he wanted to say more, to argue his way into forcing the doctor to say Kuroo was going to be just fine, but he in turn finally understood the situation. “Can we see him?” Ushijima asked, not raising his gaze off the floor. His voice was unusually quiet and small. The doctor agreed and let the pair through the screeching double doors and into the ICU, where the consistent sounds were considerably worse. There was beeps and various other machine made sounds that clouded the air, it felt almost suffocating. They stopped at a room where the doctor lead them into, where someone- Kuroo lay attached to what appeared to be hundreds of tubes and wires of some sort. The doctor then excused himself and left them alone, where the sound of the medical ventilator noisily interrupted the silence. Bokuto took a step closer, his legs trembling at the sight, he wasn't sure how to feel at the moment. It felt all very dream like, like reality hadn't made its grand entrance yet. Kuroo was almost unrecognisable due to the life support that covered most of his face, multiple tubes taped at his mouth to breath for him, and surgical dressing around his head where blood lightly seeped through. His nostrils were still rimmed with dried, dark blood and his eyes were bruised pink and purples. Bokuto’s almost golden eyes travelled down to Kuroo’s heavily casted legs that peeked from under the sheer sheets, caged in some kind metal support Bokuto didn’t even know what it was exactly. If no one had mentioned that was Kuroo, Bokuto would have honestly convinced himself it wasn't. He almost didn't notice Ushijima was stood by him, his breathing turning heavier and more strained. Bokuto looked towards him and brushed his own hair out of his eyes to get a better look at the usually strong and indestructible Ushijima shed tears. Not just a few, he broke down completely within the space of 5 seconds, and Bokuto could do nothing much other than hold Ushijima’s head against his own shoulder while he let his own eyes run themselves.

Calling Kuroo’s mother to break the news wasn’t easier than hearing the news himself, but Ushijima powered through the heartbreak and held his hopes up high. What kind of boyfriend would he be to just simply give up so easily? One Kuroo wouldn’t date for sure; the cat said it himself, they wouldn’t ever give up on each other. So this situation is no different and Ushijima stuck by his side even if it meant his heart cracked a little bit more each day.

Ushijima spoke to Kuroo’s mom occasionally and picked up she’s a very nice woman, and an amazing mother to Kuroo. She loves him dearly, like any mother would. That’s why Ushijima couldn’t bare to watch the fine wrinkles at the corners of her eyes deepen, and her soft eyes well up as she sank into a soul wracking sob. Bystanders could only watch with sympathy at the woman crying hysterically for her beloved son, it was a sight no one could stomach watching. Through both Ushijima and Mrs. Kuroo staying around the hospital for so long, they got to know each other more. She definitely had Kuroo’s sense of humor, as well as his unholy cackle, everything about her was the sole evidence she molded Kuroo into the person he was today. Someone truly amazing. Given the circumstances, Ushijima couldn't truly enjoy the bonding between him and his ‘maybe was to be’ mother in law, but he never regretted getting this close to her.

Ushijima had learnt the the hospital’s daily changing canteen menu off by heart now, only occasionally going back to the apartment to sleep for 4 hours max then coming straight back to hospital to be with Kuroo. Thursdays was the best, they had hayashi rice. Although reduced to quite a low standard, he couldn't complain too much. It was still nice. He didn’t realise the growing number of missed calls and messages from Tendou and a few other people he wasn’t too bother about checking. Bokuto, Akaashi and Kenma were frequent faces, but that was about as far as Ushijima social life went. Sugawara and Daichi popped in when they could, Sugawara more often as he did volunteering in the hospital. It was always soothing to hear his voice, he had this thing about him that calm Ushijima’s nerves, that made him feel… at peace? Ushijima wished he could do something to make up for the support Sugawara gave him through this storm, but he would simply say something cheesy like ‘I’m you’re friend, I’ll always help for free!’ . As though he’d make a stranger pay, which would be a rather hilarious sight considering it was Sugawara.

“Bokuto was begging the doctor today to let him bring some cat in. It was probably a stray. But doctor said maybe at a later date…” Ushijima fiddled with Kuroo’s interlocked fingers with his own, looking down sadly at the lifeless hand masked in a white surgical dressing to secure the intravenous cannula. “He said you’d definitely wake up if we just gave you a cat. I can half believe that actually. You know, when you get out of here we’ll get a cat. I mean you’ve always wanted a cat, right?” The only response was the constant beeping and breathing machine, leaving Ushijima to drop his gaze down in defeat. “Hey, Tetsu… Please wake up…”

.

18 days. It had been 18 days, which felt more like 18 years. Time wasn’t moving for Ushijima, he felt like he was trapped in an ever lasting loop of time that kept Kuroo asleep. He didn’t want to hear the doctor telling him each couple of days that Kuroo’s chances of waking up is slimming, he knew it. He just didn’t want to be reminded that the love of his life is slipping right through his fingers and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Ushijima, you should go home.” Kenma mumbled from behind hair, which covered his face as he tilted his head down towards his phone. “You’ve been here for days, and you need to sleep.”

“What if he wakes up.”

“He hasn’t even come close to waking up in weeks .” The smaller boy almost hissed through his teeth, as though he needed to get the message through to Ushijima as well as release his own frustration. “He… I’m staying here anyway. I’ll tell you if anything happens.”

“You think he won’t wake up.” Ushijima couldn’t have sounded any more blunt, but the hurt look on Kenma’s face made him regret ever saying anything.

“He will wake up.”

It wasn’t long before Ushijima found himself crawling back through the familiar sterile corridors, blinding bright lights overhead of him and nods from familiar faces. How sad, each shift of nurses knew exactly who Ushijima was by now. There was one particular nurse that frequently takes care of Kuroo. Her name is Mari, more on the chattier side and hasn’t a problem with having one sided conversations with Ushijima. She was beyond the point of being used to it, seeing as she somehow manages to talk to Kuroo all day. Ushijima in fact finds her voice soothing and her often random rambling fun to hear. He was sure if Kuroo could hear he’d be loving her.

“Hey Ushijima-san.” She started, her voice sounding strangely more on the serious side. He felt his brows raise as he shifted his eyes towards her. “When I’m not around to not shut up, talk a bit more to him! Always assume he can hear you. I’m sure he must be sick of my voice by now.” She giggled softly as she directed half her attention on her paper work.

“Will it even help?” Ushijima was sure he was being a little more beyond a party pooper at this point, but the negativity hung over him like a boulder, ready to fall and crush him at any given second.

“I can’t promise that it will, but it might. ” Mari briefly smiled before she turned and left the room, leaving Ushijima alone with the machines.

He let his eyes fall back down to Kuroo to study his face, biting his trembling bottom lip as he saw only a shadow of his former self. Kuroo had always had a stupidly fast metabolism, so he must be burning through whatever nutrients he was being given like crazy so far to look so gaunt and scrawny. He will always be beautiful to him, but it was still so painful to see such a transition from the smiling, more or less healthy Kuroo to a half dead Kuroo. Although, at least now his entire face was masked with hundreds of tubes, now only a nasal cannula to aid him.

Ushijima reached his hand over to gently brush Kuroo’s matted bangs out of his face, and took a long moment to admire his love’s face. He didn’t exactly look like it was all the way at peace, but there was no strain or pain to paint his softened features. His skin was pale and sallow, cheeks hollowed, eyes weighted heavily with bruises bags, lips cracked and lacking colour. “You’re still the prettiest one here.” He assured, brushing a soothing thumb over his forehead. He could stare all day, all night, all week, in fact he had already been doing that already, but he could carry on forever. Ushijima could never possibly get bored of his face, or those warm amber eyes that captivated him inevitably so. They were beautiful, enticing, and gazing directly at Ushijima.