Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sometimes, my bad vibes scared the living piss out of me.

I didn't have a magical gift that enables me to predict the future, nor did I have any evidence that gave me reason for my grim premonitions, but in the past the foreboding senses that would cloud my thoughts had proved to be too accurate to be ignored.

This trepidation in particular has been clinging with me for days. I couldn't shake it. A storm was brewing despite the signs of clear skies. It was like being in the eye of a hurricane; safe in the lull of the storm as disaster orbits around me, trapping me. There was no way of knowing when the storm would strike or how I could run out of harms way and avoid it. That's the unnerving part—being unprepared for the unknown.

No one can stop a storm. It's nature. All you can do is ride it out and hope for the best and that's exactly what I did. But on the dawn of New Years Day, I learned that storms could be devastatingly cruel; holding no remorse for whoever was in its range.

Turning the clocks hands back to an earlier time—a little before midnight on the 30th to be more precise, I was headed toward my favorite bar around the corner from my house, hoping that liquor would drown out the paranoia and put some rational sense into this racing head of mine—or at the very least, shut it off completely.

I was expecting the worse from every murky corner, but instead of being greeted with my impending doom, I was rewarded with a notion of relief when I walked into the dingy tavern.

Two heterochromia wings that manage to fly home in one piece came into my line of sight. But the owner of those wings looked anything but put together. The feathers of his spirit were brutally plucked from him.

The mission outside the wall was unsuccessful.

I've seen this scene many times before—Erwin never sulked in dirty pubs unless he wanted to drink for all his fallen comrades. Regret and sorrow seeped from him, making the room unbearably oppressed.

At the time, I thought this was the origin of my trepidation; perhaps I caught onto some of Erwin's emotional waves and the loss and regret he held somehow synced with me, but looking back now, Erwin was only the cause of light drizzle before the crack of lightening striked down on me.

Pounding my flattened palm on the counter to grant myself the barkeeps attention, I took a seat on the stool beside him. "The usual—and a refill for him, on me."

"Levi..." His face was vacant of any expression—but his eyes couldn't be so easily concealed. Just one look told me everything. I saw it all. The whole trip replayed in those glassy blue orbs. After meeting this side of Erwin on so many occasions before, the scene felt l scripted. Like attending an awful play that I was forced to watch over and over again.

Inhaling jittery to rid his potent nerves, he tried to pass off a small smile, even though we both knew it was fake. It didn't last long though, because the longer he looked at me, the more his lips descended. "Looks like you took a beating."

Most of my bruises had diluted from the fight with Maverick, but the imprints of punches still encircled my eyes, (not that it makes a difference, just a tint darker compared to my usual dark-circles) but the split lip had yet to heal, which was the main giveaway that I've been in a brawl.

"Same to you." He didn't look as pristine and groomed as he usually did; a few days worth of stubble had grew in and his hair sat unkept. Generally, he just looked tired. The man deserved a long break, but I'd never tell him that. He wouldn't take my advice anyway.

"We lost nearly 40% this time." He said flatly, blinking slowly into his held glass.

I perked my brows. That's an impressively depressing number. Stiffly swigging down my shot, the liquor clogging my throat stung momentarily. "I think getting you drunk tonight is in order. Drinks are on me, but just don't pass out—I'm not carrying your big ass home."

With all the soldiers that get swallowed up on the trips and the lack of new recruits, it surprised me how Erwin wasn't the last man standing by now. Even if he was, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that said he wouldn't still go out there, fully prepared for battle on his own.

I had nothing to say in condolences. If I said "they died for a good cause" it would just be a lie. What they're doing is pointless. All they achieve by going out there is just serving themselves up as snacks. No new knowledge about the Titan's has been discovered in generations and even inessential information the Survey Corps did manage to scavenge wasn't crucial enough to replace the thousands who sacrificed themselves. It's beyond me why people are so eager to die for a useless cause, and it's even more mind-boggling when people decide to replace their shoes and die for the same reason. An endless cycle of unnecessary death. How pitiful.

Even so, that doesn't make the loss any less significant. Strong men and women died out there doing something they believed was beneficial for humanity, regardless if they are right or wrong, it was still a tragedy.

I could never have Erwin's strength—and I'm not referring to physically strength. I could easily kick his ass if I wanted to, but his mental state is extraordinary. To witness comrades die gruesomely and yet have the motivation to move onward while knowing you'll be adding even more to the body count was an unimaginable trait I'd never posses. I'm much too weak in that sense.

You don't have to die to make sacrifices; Erwin was living proof of that.

He held all the burden on his own, yet it never weighed him down for long—he'd still stand proud and lead his comrades to their death for the sake of humanity.

I wouldn't be able to see people I came to know disappear after each trip outside. It took a wearer of tough skin to be the commander of such an unforgiving guild. This is (one of the many reasons) why I could never join the Survey Corps. I couldn't face such pointless death on a regular basis. Surely, it would make me even more bitter than I already am now. I'd be miserable under those conditions. I may not look the part, since I'm aware that I come off as an asshole to most, but I value people's lives. Even if serving my own heart to the military wasn't the problem for me personally, having others die after giving such a pledge would be hard to bear witness to.

My wrist sat beneath my chin as my thoughts tangled. I stared at the golden droplets slide down my empty drink, but just as a puddle rimmed around the glass on the counter, my chin swooped down when my supporting wrist was grabbed and pulled off my stool.

With my mouth motioning without sound, my feet dragged until I found a pace to match Erwin's stomping in front of me, his fingers still bone-shatteringly tight around my wrist.

I've become so fluent in Erwin's body language—I knew what he wanted without having to ask. From the moment I laid eyes on him, my night was already planned out for me.

He led me to the back of the bar and into the restroom and before I could refuse the thought obviously spotlighted Erwin's mind, I was seized, picked off my feet and pinned roughly against the tile wall. I was then attacked by Erwin's full, eager lips.

With the way he pressed in close, holding onto my thighs with his groin pressing between my legs as he planted messy, teeth-bumping kisses, I was left with no room to breathe. When I attempted to pull away for a gasp of needed air he yanked me back with my knotted hair ripping between his fingers.

I wasn't going anywhere—I'm locked fully in his command and I willingly allowed his body to take full authority over mine. I felt utterly drunk despite only downing a single shot. There wasn't a gap between our bodies as I tasted his booze-soaked tongue.

This Erwin was different from the one that returned home last time. I've come to know both sides to him, and I still couldn't pick a favorite. This Erwin, who had now motioned me over to the mirror as he practically ate at the nape of my neck, was lewd; his gestures and movements almost deranged. Blood oozed from my broken skin, but didn't travel far down my spine before he swiped it up with his tongue.

This Erwin was nearly mute, very spontaneous in his actions. The other was kind, courteous and restrained like a good soldier boy should be. He always beat around the bush and never told me straight-out what he wanted, yet at the same time he never shut his trap. The Erwin before the trip was a gentle sheep, the Erwin now is a hungry wolf.

The porcelain of the sink felt cool under my palms holding me up. The chill worsened when Erwin squirmed his icy hands up my shirt, cupping my peck. As he did this, his eyes locked with mine in the mirror and I had no choice but to look back. If I were to look away, I would lose and be devoured. Our true animal instincts shined during these moments and right now Erwin was most definitely at the top of the food chain. All this was merely playing with his meal before he worked up the appetite to indulge me fully.

...But I wouldn't be so easily preyed on without a fight; let's just say he's not the only one who likes to build up an appetite. Plus, I had other reasons for wanting to stall.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, commander, but you'll have to tame yourself a while longer. We're not fucking in here. It's gross." It was hard to spit out, given that fact that I was already semi-hard, but there was no telling how far he'd go if I didn't say something—we were starving, yes, but this place was unacceptable.

But this side of Erwin, like I said, was a quiet wolf that couldn't be reasoned with. He dipped low and shook his forehead between my shoulder blades, breathing in the scent of my clothes deeply.

My pants had been unbuckled and fell to my ankles. My arms were placed above me and held firmly against the glass of the mirror.

Perhaps I was foolish to think such a plea would work. Desperate to snap him back to himself, I tried another approach: "We'll get caught. Didn't you want to keep me your dirty secret?" We were the only ones in the bar before, but that didn't mean someone else wouldn't come in eventually. Even the bartender might pop in here if we were gone too long.

Erwin was very paranoid about being too affectionate with me in public, since it wouldn't look good on his part if he got caught screwing around with a thug like me. He's also a total closet case with no intention of coming out anytime soon, so this behavior had me thrown off. Maybe I couldn't translate his body and desires as much as I believed.

Getting caught wasn't actually a problem for me. I had nothing to hide or be penitent about—I lost the ability to be ashamed a long time ago. Generally, I just didn't like fucking in public. I know, it sounds like a lie when you take into account all the times I've had sex in the streets and been plainly seen by strangers in the act, but I was different now. Maybe I was just getting old, but I enjoyed sex more while in the privacy of my own bed, away from the reminder that I resided in his shitty world and just allowed myself to get lost in the sensations. And above all else, at least I knew my own bed was sanitary. Sex was filthy on its own, adding to it by fucking in public wasn't as pleasing.

Nowadays the only time I feel anything was when I had sex. Any other time I just felt hollow inside. Sex gave me time to just feel good and not care about anything else. Everyday I go through the motions of mundane life and I'm lucky if I find amusement in the situations I find myself in once in a while—but disregarding basic emotions, my heart hasn't felt the same warmth I had as a child. I don't think my heart will ever thaw, but sometimes intimacy gave me an artificial feeling of that warmth. It gave me the illusion that someone gave a shit about me—even though all the people I've ever slept with either was ashamed to be seen with me or they were using me. But just for that one moment of blissful climax I felt every feeling at once—all the emotions that abandon me long ago.

Fuck it. Who cares if we're in a filthy men's restroom. There's no turning back. Hell, I wouldn't allow him to stop now even if he wanted to. I thought this as the sadistic bastard lathered his fingers up in my mouth deep enough to force a gag out of me, then with no warning he inserted them behind me. I slumped forward and arched my hips, handing myself over completely by granting full access. The grimy mirror became riddled with smudges from my fingertips clawing along it. My hot breath fogged my reflection as he scissored my entrance.

I flinched when his fingers exited me abruptly, but that was nothing compared to the way I jolted up with a pained whine when he shoved his hardness into me raw. Gasping, I slammed my fist against the glass, nearly cracking it. That's right—this Erwin didn't like foreplay and overly-prepping me. This one liked to rip me apart and watch me bleed. Biting my lip to help endure the pain, I tried to put my mind elsewhere to loosen my muscles up—but it was impossible. All I could feel was him stretching me wide and filling me up, pounding into me with mighty thrusts.

My knees were weak and if it wasn't for him holding onto my hips, I surely would have crumbled the same way the walls of my mind had. Finally—the thoughts are off. No more worrying and the paranoia I've felt for days had vanished. I'm lost in the sensations that rush through me like a drug.

Large hands roamed up my shirt again, this time to eagerly tug at a protruding nipple. The tender skin being roughly handled stung, but my bodies reaction to it showed no signs of distress. The pinches caused me to yelp back into his ear and I quickly returned the pain he was giving me by biting on the lobe, but the effort seemed to have fueled him more.

Weak moans poured out of me. If that wasn't enough of a reason to be humiliated, pre-cum was dripping from me, adding another mess to the filthy tile below. I blindly moved my hand down to my cock and pumped as Erwin rammed all this strength into me with no remorse.

Fuck, I'm definitely going to feel this in the morning.

Closing my eyes, I tilted my head to the side so he could feast on my neck. His teeth sank into me. When he pierced my skin he'd suck out my flavor, then abandon the spot in favor of another, leaving behind the wound with a simple lick. Again and again he'd clench into my flesh until there wasn't a spot left unmarked by his territory. By the time I opened my eyes again, my neck was covered in bloody teeth marks and bruises.

I whimpered a curse as I came close to my peek, my hand still stroking in a hasty motion along my swollen cock. To silence the disgraceful sounds, I bit the cuff of my shirt, but there was no stopping the scream building up in my throat—it would surely unleash soon.

"Let me see your face."

My cheek resting against the mirror was jerked away sharply by my hair. I scowled. I barely recognized my own reflection, but when he pressed himself in deeper right on the spot I loved, my mouth dropped and let out a distasteful pitch almost too high to be my own.

I couldn't bear the sight of myself anymore, so I blinked over to Erwin, who had a wild look in his icy eyes. He stared at me intently as he motioned roughly behind me; beads of sweat glided down his cheek and caught onto his stubble. Some might see such an expression as terrifying, but I marked it as the most arousing expressions Erwin ever presented me with. Too bad I couldn't look longer and sketch it into my minds memory, for my eyes rolled to the back of my head when he slapped his hips faster against me. Heavy pants trickled out over my dangling tongue.

I grasped the sink ledge with both hands for leverage, because I surely would fall if I didn't. Erwin looked to be on the verge of collapsing too judging by the way he leaned all his weight down on my back. His grunts and sighs were injected into my wet ear drenched by his tongue.

"Er...win..." I reluctantly cried out his name in a hushed tone as I jerked myself a few more times before filling the sink with my own thick liquids. My legs numbed and I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold his vibrating weight—but with the way his thrust sped up along with his grunts, I knew I wouldn't have to for long.

"I'll beat you senseless if you even think about coming inside me." Usually when we fucked at my place, I didn't mind if Erwin occasionally finished up in me since I routinely bathed after our sessions, but I'd be damned if I'm walking back home with his gunk dripping from my ass.

A disgruntled sigh later he pulled himself out, leaving me feeling empty. He then finished off in his hand with a shivering shout. Just when I thought it was over, he loped his wet fingers to my mouth, smearing the wetness against my lips.

"You did say you like having a dirty mouth."

I licked over the familiar taste, occasionally sucking and nipping on the tips of his fingers until his hand was clean. The dribbling fluid I missed was wiped from my lips and returned to my mouth until there wasn't a drop left.

With the task complete and the heat cooling down, we managed to get our breathing pattern back on track. Erwin zipped up his pants just as I did. My bland nature unfortunately returned to me as I spun around and faced the awkward stare awaiting me.

Having sex in a pubs bathroom is all fun and games until it's over and you're left in the same silent room that was once filled with your erotic sounds. I wouldn't let this petty shyness last long though. I sighed casually. "Don't ever pull something like that again—that was completely uncalled for."

"You seemed to enjoy it."

My mouth opened, but almost immediately the complaint waiting on my tongue was cut off. My lip lowered shut along with my pointed finger.

I couldn't say I didn't like it—the way I lost complete control over myself during sex was a dead giveaway. Pity how I could never conceal that. Any other time I'm a master at keeping a pokerface, but all it took was a dick in my ass to get me gasping like a virgin. I ought've learn some self-control—ew, no, then I would be taking this assholes advice. Looks like he wins either way.

"Just don't do it again. Learn to keep it in your pants until you come home with me, geez."

"Hmph, well what if I said I wanted another round? Does this mean I can come over?"

"No." He's a big boy, let him jack himself off if he was still unsatisfied. I'm not personal glove he can squeeze into every time he seen fit.

"Then it looks like we'll just have to settle for doing it here again." He snaked his arms around me with a promiscuous smirk.

I pushed him away. "Ugh. Fine. You can come over, but you're not sleeping there. Your ass is leaving as soon as you're finished."

"We'll see about that."

"What'd you say?" I spun back to him just before opening the door. Don't you dare get cocky with me. "Fuck off, blondie. I change my mind. Go pay the tab, I'm leaving."

"I thought you said you were paying?" he smiled, looking down at me like I'm some stupid kid embarrassing myself. That pissed me off beyond belief.

"Yeah well I changed my mind about that too. Have a good night asshole. Don't follow me."

Erwin followed me.

What was even more irritating was that he hummed with a smirk as he did.

I eyed up at him, snarling. "You know, I gave you a pity-fuck because you were depressed. So what's got you happy all of a sudden? I feel like I got ripped off."

"Do you really need to ask at this point? I thought you had it figured out by now."

I did have it all figured out. I just wanted to see his reaction to being put on the spot. For some reason, he would always pop back to himself after sleeping with me, which was extremely irritating because he'd go from being this mysteriously, untamed beast back to being this gentle giant. How lame.

But—there was something that secretly put me in an equally cheerful mood. As pissed off as I was at Erwin for fucking me back there, I was actually glad that I was worth a risk for him. He's always been so careful about making sure our intimate relationship wasn't found out, but for once he actually put me before his concerns. We've only ever done it in the open once before, but it was too well-hidden to be considered public sex.

Did this mean he was finally getting over the fear of having to hide me? I know I'm not a perfect human, but I'm better than I used to be. Only in emergencies did I rob or prostitute, and I didn't sell drugs anymore and actually earned money through a job (though it wasn't the most honest living). I still drank a lot, but I wasn't addicted to any drugs. Was he finally noticing all that...? Was that scene back there his way of telling me he's less ashamed of being seen with me?

God, now I'm sounding lame. Why would I even fucking care how he thinks of me? It's not like I bettered myself for him—I did that all for myself.

I jingled my keyring out of my pocket as we neared my house. After going down the small flight, I inserted the key and pushed open the door—but it only gave way a few inches.

"Shit. One of the kids must have put the chain on. What a pain."

To be fair, I always told them to lock up when I knew I'd be gone a while, but they never did—they'd always forget to lock the bolt and chain, but of course the one time I was actually coming home at a reasonable hour they'd remember and inconvenience me. I closed it and then felting like moron for having to knock on my own front door. What made standing out here, trying to get to get access to my own home even worse was Erwin's giggling commentary in the background.

"That's adorable—you've really taken a liking to those kids, haven't you?"

"Tch. Are kidding me? I can't stand them. Feel free to take them from my hands if you think they're so adorable."

Erwin snapped from his smile when his eyes moved downward. "Oh—Levi. Wait." He moved his hand up close to me and I shrank away, confused.

"...What?"

"Your neck...I'm sorry."

Lost in his words, I pressed my fingers along the ached skin until it clicked. "You asshole."

"I said I was sorry—anyway, you might want to keep that out of the kids view for a while. Wouldn't want them to think there's a vampire in the neighborhood."

He chuckled lightheartedly. Look at this fuck, I want to punch the smile off his face and maybe some teeth while I was at it.

I grunted and pulled out a cloth from my coats inner-pocket—all while Erwin stared at me quizzically. Even more so when I wrapped it around my neck.

"What's that—a scarf?"

"It's a cravat, you uncultured barbarian."

"Your insults get better by the day—by the way, that actually suits you."

I just looked at him dully in reply after securely tying it, then ruffled it a bit so it wouldn't wrinkle against my coat.

Lately I've been holding onto it, especially when I left the house. I didn't like to think of myself as the sentimental type, but I did miss my friends and keeping this close to me was a reminder of them. If one thing was certain; I never, ever wanted to forget them. This cravat helped keep their memory close to me.

Unfortunately, the special item had to be used to conceal this bastards teeth marks because the last thing I needed was the kids questioning me about it—and oh boy did they love to fucking question me. It was bad enough they completely pampered me because of my wounds. I didn't want to give them another reason to spark up their curiosity and compassionate charity; I use the term loosely because mainly it was just an annoyance.

I pounded the door once more, but when my fist was nearing the final knock, the door swished open, leaving my balled hand floating in the air with no place to go.

"Sorry I didn't hear you before, I was in the bathroom."

"What else is new." I sighed pass Eren and the door slammed behind me.

As I turned, the words I was about to say abandoned me when the listener was no where to be found. I scanned the entrance area—something was missing from the picture.

Oh...fuck.

Eren folded his arms, his brows tightly puckered, matching his pouting lips. His back was pressed against the door firmly.

"Let him in, Eren."

"No."

"Eren."

For a year now I routinely brought back Erwin to my place with no problems. My friends would simply offer him a beer or make small talk with him when he came over, but now things weren't as simple. Eren, despite the fact that we already discussed this topic, still hated the idea of Erwin and I together. Even though I explained that him and I weren't in a relationship or even had romantic feelings, he still pulled a stunt like this. What a moron.

I cupped his shoulder, pushed him to the side and went for the knob. The brat tried to squirm his way back into control of the situation, but the door was already open with Erwin standing their with a the most confused smile you can imagine.

"Sorry about that. This brat here gets rowdy when it's past his bedtime." I stared at Eren sharply. "Isn't that right?"

"Don't talk to me like I'm a little kid!"

If only he knew how much that made him sound more like a little kid. I backed up, giving room for Erwin to step into the threshold. Eren gave him a threatening gaze, but it looked so puny when you take into account that his and Erwin's height was extraordinary contrasting, making him look like a tiny constipated bug. If anything, Erwin probably thought the intimidating expression was cute.

"As you can see, I have company. Go to bed."

But did the brat comply with my order? No. He waddled his ass over to the couch and sat. Erwin and I exchanged looks, but I couldn't bear the baffled sight anymore. It was pathetic how much Eren was stirring up the room for no reason other than to be annoying.

"I said go to bed."

"Not tired." Eren's narrowing eyes never strayed off Erwin, who was moving deeper into the living room. The kid gave a look that suggested he was thinking: "how dare you come into my home?" You know, despite the fact it was my damn house.

"At least go to your room and read a book or something."

"Make me."

Oh I'll fucking make him alright. I'm having none of his attitude tonight.

Erwin chuckled, trying to lighten the heavy aura between Eren and I with a sarcastic remark. "Looks like you're under full control of him, Levi."

"Shut up, I'm not a little kid. He can't control me."

My mouth dropped. I couldn't believe he just told the commander of the Survey Corps to shut up. Sure, I said worse to him, but that's because I knew him personally. Eren wasn't in the same standing as me.

"If you don't want to be labeled as a kid, then don't fucking act like one. And show a little more respect to Erwin. You want to join the Survey Corps, right? Well you can start off by showing a high ranked officer some respect, brat."

Erwin blinked at me, surprise painted on his features. I was surprised too, but it wasn't so much about defending Erwin; this kid just needed to learn to show some damn decency and it was the perfect opportunity to scold him.

Hoping off the couch with a roaring groan, he pointed his stubby finger to Erwin. "Don't do anything gross."

"I-I didn't plan on it?" he huffed nervously. "Surely Levi would scold me if I did, isn't that right?" he looked to me, and all I could do was stand there and anticipate Eren's reply.

"No, you know what I'm talking about."

"I do?"

He nodded and cupped his mouth, whispering something too low for my ears to pick up. He left, leaving behind Erwin looking like a stunned victim.

Once Eren went to his room and slammed the door, I stepped up to Erwin, arms folded and eyes rolling. "What the hell did he say to you?"

He gulped. "...He told me not to have sex with you and that your ass belongs to him...uh—Levi? Where are you going?"

I'll fucking kill him.

"What the fuck is wrong with that gigantic head of yours?" I thrashed open his bedroom door, but as I was stomping near his bed he was seated on, my foot was stabbed with a belt buckle on the floor. I hissed and kicked the thing away—but that's when I noticed that his room looked completely upside down.

"You need to clean this room." My anger moved elsewhere when I took note of the disgusting ray of dirty laundry, trash and dust coating the floor. I don't care if he's still sulking from rejection, that's no excuse for letting this room get so out of hand.

"You're so meticulous."

I heaved my head back, letting a sharp exhale slip out dryly. "Where'd that come from? Never thought I would hear you say a word bigger than two syllables."

"I've been reading your boring books." He grimaced.

"Why are you being so cranky? You're worse than a girl on the rag."

"A girl on the wha—"

"—Nothing." Hell no. It will be a cold day in hell before touched that subject. Besides, that topic was completely out of my jurisdiction. "At least you picked up a hobby that doesn't involve burning down the kitchen."

He shrugged. "Nothing better to do."

"I'll give you something to do all right: clean this pigsty.

"Ugh." He flopped back, arms sprawled as he kicked his stubby legs. "But I'm tiiired~"

One second he's playing a role in a ridiculously sad excuse of a love triangle, and now he's apparently exhausted. "What are you, narcoleptic?"

He snored in reply. Thanks, that answered my question perfectly. Reluctantly, I mazed through the mess and threw the blanket on him with no effort put in. I guess I'll have to yell at him for the little scene he pulled tomorrow. I went back into the living room and shook my head at Erwin.

"Fuckin' kids. Why do people willingly have them?"

"So humanity wouldn't cease to exist."

"Thanks, Commander Obvious. Anyway—" I side glanced away, my body heating up. "If you haven't noticed, I'm tense."

He took longer than I thought he would to catch onto my hint, but he curled one side of his lip with his eyes hooded playfully when he finally grabbed onto what I was suggesting. "Is that so? I think I can fix that."

It goes without saying that Erwin made a mess of me all night long.

I groaned at my clock. Eight in the fucking morning—why the hell am I being woken up this early? Barely able to breathe due to my lungs being crushed, I shoved Erwin's big ass body off me, along with his soft dick still partially inside me. Look at us old men falling asleep during sex. In our defense, we did it five times last night. We wore each other out and deserved the sleep, but unfortunately I wasn't a deep sleeper like him.

I groaned again when I realized I never actually been present around Erwin the morning after—he only slept over once before but he was gone by the time I woke up. At least he was sleeping so I'll deal with that later. Right now, I had to answer the knock at my bedroom door. After throwing on a robe, I opened it just a crack and peeked through, looking down at a bundle of black hair.

"That weird lady is knocking at the door. I knew you were sleeping so I tried to ignore her, but she's very persistent."

What a wonderful way to start off the day. In all seriousness, what the hell does she want? I rubbed my temple in preparation before greeting that enthusiastic lunatic.

Tightening the straps around my waist, I squeezed out of the door so Mikasa couldn't get a glimpes inside; not that she would react to seeing Erwin in my room anyways—if it was Eren on the other hand, I'd have a problem. But when I walked past the living room and kitchen without seeing him, it was safe to assume he was still sleeping. Or maybe he was in the bathroom jacking off like he usually did, who knows, who cares.

"Levi~! How's it going?" Hanji, standing there twinkle-eyed, chirped like a pesky bird that wouldn't shut up upon opening the door.

"I was sleeping. What do you want, shitty-glasses." Unfortunately for me, my death glare wasn't effectively working on Hanji today; if it had she would have went running. It was bad enough I was getting horrible sleep from all these foreboding thoughts haunting me lately, but just when I finally got knocked out by a workout with Erwin last night, she comes and wakes me up. I don't have any luck.

"Good to see you're such a chipper morning person—I was scared for a minute." She winked at me. I groaned. "You wouldn't happen to have my jacket I forgot here, would you?"

I looked up recall, then back to her nodding. "Oh, yeah. I washed it. It was filthy. Come in."

I yawned into my hand and dragged my feet back into my bedroom teary eyed. Did I mention I was tired? Because I walked right into an impending headache that was completely avoidable, and yet I never saw it coming.

I ruffled through the bottom of one of the draws where I placed Hanji's jacket for safe keeping, telling myself I'd return it but kept forgetting. The neatly folded article of clothing was in my hands. I spun to Hanji, who was standing at the arch of the door. But her mind and sight was somewhere other than the jacket I was handing her. With her eyes round, her bottom lip dropped.

"Holy shit—Levi...Levi, Oh my God."

Setting the jacket down on the dresser, I smacked my forehead, trying to force the stupid out of me. Completely memorized by the sight of Erwin exposed chest breathing steadily, Hanji pointed like a dumbass at him, cheeks red and smile wide. She looked like she wanted to say everything at once yet her throat was clogged.

"Why are you so surprised? I already told you about him."

"But...Levi...he's actually right there. I mean, I believed you, but couldn't believe it, you know what I'm saying? Oho~ now I know why you're cranky, I would be too if someone took me away from a scene like this...heuheu~"

"...Take your slimy jacket and get out of my house."

After a final glance, she picked up the jacket and fully intended on just leaving—but when I heard a grog and a shift in the bedsheets, I knew it was game over. I really didn't have any luck. Not an ounce of it.

"What...the hell is going on?" Erwin sat up, covering himself like a hooker caught in the act by police.

Hanji gasped, looking at me and back to a freshly awoken Erwin. "Nothing at all! I'm just a figment of your imagination~" She waved her hands around mystically. "You're still sleeping~Ooo~"

I propped up against the dresser, dipping my sight down from the scene so I wouldn't get secondhand-embarrassment. "He might look like one, but he's not a moron, Hanji."

"Good point...Ah, but it's a nice morning we're having, isn't it commander?" She hummed casually. I was really in for it now, judging by the sullen stare he gave me that made me gulp hard. With a curled lip he turned back to her with a milder gaze.

"...And who are you?"

"Excuse my disrespect sir!" Popping up as if she remembered something important, she clicked her heels together and saluted. "I'm Hanji Zoe, future recruit of the Survey Corps! I look forward to working with you in the future~!"

Erwin sunk his head in his palm while mumbling, "You have to be kidding me..."

Oh, I bet he's just thrilled to hear that he'll be fighting alongside someone who knows his dirty secret. I would have found it amusing if I didn't know I was in for a lengthy lecture about my conspicuous behavior.

Even so, it's actually entertaining to see Erwin this rattled, but I knew I'd be chewed out for it. That's the price that must be paid to witness such an incident.

"She's also a friend of mine." I added and stared at him, my face telling him to relax and not get worked up over something so small—but my expressions weren't very effective today it seems; it didn't work.

He clicked his tongue and just gave me a look.

He's pissed.

Yup, I'm definitely going to be chewed out for this, and not in the good way either. I can hear his bitching already.

I bumped myself onto Hanji, resulting in her backing up out the door. "I think it's best you leave."

"...Right—but we should go out for drinks later!" She ducked down to my ear and whispered, "I want to hear all the dirty details. Hehe~"

"Can't. I have work tonight. Maybe another time." I continuously pushed her dead weight out the door. But she whipped her head back and kept talking.

"Work? You can't be serious...oh and see you later Mr. Commander sir—" I slammed the door on her and wiped my hands together. Now that the trash has been taken out, I could take care of other pesky matters.

"What was the meaning of that, Levi? You know how I feel about people knowing about us."

In silence, I bit my bottom lip. That self-inflicted sting was nothing compared to those words. Yes, I know you're ashamed of me—no need to rub it in. Just when I thought he didn't care anymore—I guess I was wrong.

I ran my palm over my scruff and sat back on the bed. "As I said, she's a friend—someone I trust. It's not a big deal."

"Trust doesn't mean anything. I trusted you about keeping our affair a secret and you just broke that trust."

My heart pumped with irritability. He really goes to great lengths to keep his perverted relationship with me hush-hush, doesn't he?

"Wait, let me get this straight: my friend can't see you sleeping naked in my bed but fucking in a public toilet is acceptable?"

Disappointed, he shook his head. I could tell he was fed up—why I couldn't figure out, but it made me share a mutual feeling.

"I was drunk, you know that. But regardless if she's a friend or not, it was uncalled for. Not to pick at healing wounds or anything, but your old friends were an exception since they were in the same class as you, so I didn't mind. But I don't know anything about the person that was just here—seriously, she better not spread a word. I care about you Levi, I really do, but—"

"Don't fucking finish that sentence."

I knew how the speech would end—but that's not what made me shut him up. I needed time to think about what he just said. What did he mean by "the same class"? Did he not care that my friends knew about us fucking around because they were worthless punks like me who didn't matter? How dare him. There was no other way I could take it now that my rage was leaking out. Maybe I was being irrational, but there was no other excuses I could come up with at this time.

Frankly, I was sick of making excuses for him.

No one could know about us because it'll compromise his rank.

No one could know about us because he's ashamed of his sexual orientation.

No one could know about us because I'm a filthy thug rejected from society.

All these fucking excuses were becoming tiring.

I know I'm probably just a tool for him. If he couldn't use me as a weapon in the Survey Corps, then he'd use me as a stress relief. One way or another he was getting something out of me. I never noticed it before, but Erwin wasn't much different than all the others I've slept with. I always held him above the rest, thinking we had a great physical connection, but when it came down to it I was just being used again. Why this discovery was coming to me now of all times was unclear—but it was long overdue. Call it the final straw, if you will.

He claims to care about me and even though a part of me is dumb enough to believe it's true, it still hurt that he's so ashamed of people knowing about our affair. I know it's a private matter, but fuck. The bastard managed to hurt me, and it takes a lot to accomplish that.

All of this wasn't new news to me, but it did just hit me for the first time. I suppose I was too blinded by lust to realize. I know I'm no prize package, but he could be a little more subtle about saying he doesn't want anyone knowing we have a relationship—whatever this fucking train wreak of a relationship was to begin with.

It wasn't even the fact that he didn't want anyone to know that hurt me, (because I could understand that) it's how worked up he gets about it—like people knowing about us is the worse possible scenario he could find himself in. This isn't the first time this happened, either.

One time in particular I was hit with a rare affectionate mood triggered by intoxication. It was during a time in my life where I was actually content. My friends were alive and gave me pleasant company, I had a steady income coming in from a less crooked source and I was sleeping with a guy that I labeled as a good catch. I just wanted to hold the bastards arm while we walked back to my place but he pushed me away and walked on ahead. He was fine being seen in public together, but heaven forbid if we were closer than arms reach from each other.

I know it seems stupid—I knew from the beginning that this was just a sexual relationship between us, but there was a part of me hidden away that was shining brightly now, telling me that my sensitivity wasn't without reason.

The bed creaked and I soon felt a presence behind me. I sealed my eyes tight as my robe slipped off my shoulders. Light kisses were left on all the aching marks left on me from last night.

"I suggest you stop, Erwin. You're pissing me off."

The pecks paused so the same lips could let out a confused, "What?"

I shook my head, deciding against explaining myself. I decided long ago that I never wanted a romantic partner, meaning I never intended on seeing Erwin like that. I don't know why I was expecting him to react any differently right now. Of course he wouldn't ask me what was wrong and talk to me, he'd just fuck it out of me, just like I fucked all his problems out of him.

Sometimes, I wish our relationship was more than humorous insults, drunk talks and sex. Don't get me wrong, that's a great relationship to have, but after a year of it, it gets stale, especially when that same person doesn't want the relationship—that was a pathetic excuse of one from the start—to be known by a soul. In other words, he was ashamed of whatever we did have together.

I guess a part of me was conceited enough to believe that Erwin might have seen me differently, that maybe he did have deeper feelings hiding somewhere—but those ideas were probably conceived from all the generic kindness and mind-blowing sex. I mistook the gestures as something more.

I never took a second to really think about how I felt or how he actually felt. Even if I couldn't return any feelings now, maybe I would build some up in the distance future. That's something I subconsciously wanted to happen, but never admitted due to not believing such a crazy idea myself. It was such a stupid thing to hope for, wasn't it?

I like Erwin. I even respect the nut for what he does, but like I pondered last night, I was fluent in the way he carried himself, meaning it was all so painful predictable. Maybe I was just getting old, but meaningless sex—although it does the trick while it's happening—might not be enough for me. What if I did want something more out of this relationship? How would he handle that?

I slouched my face down into my palms. What the fuck am I even thinking. Maybe I'm just worn out. Maybe that's where these thoughts are coming from. Since when did I need emotional connection with someone? Wasn't it always just about sex in the end? Well, that's all I've ever know, really, if you exclude my friends who were the only people I actually had a connection with without the need of sex to fuel the relationship. That's the type of connection I thought I had with Erwin (or would have eventually), but now I wasn't so sure.

All this time, even after all my efforts of convincing myself otherwise, in the end I did actually have feelings for Erwin, didn't I? What a fucking realization.

I swallowed hard, probably in an attempt to wash down the words that threatened to be heard. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." The word breezed up against the nape of my neck and I closed my eyes as I said something I will surely regret.

"I know we've touched this subject in the past, but I just need to confirm." I combed my bangs back with a deep inhale. "What exactly am I to you?"

The room became unbearably quiet for minutes that ticked by like hours. I knew the fucking answer, why did I ask?

"You're someone I selfishly take advantage of."

"What kind of fucking answer is that?" What answer was I expecting? That was the real question. This is why I buried emotions. It's so much easier than dealing with them directly.

"I can't say 'I love you' or anything like that—if you want honestly, then all I can say is I care about your well-being and I think you're an incredibly strong person, but I am ashamed of the choices you make. You could do so much better, but you've succumbed to a questionable way of life. I know it's not entirely your fault. You were dealt a fair share of bad hands in life, but I'm disappointed you don't try to better yourself when you have opportunities."

His hand that was previously cupping my shoulder was brushed off me violently. I cocked my neck around and eyed him directly. "You need to realize those aren't your choices to make. You may have authority over your men on the battlefield that will jump into a Titan's mouth if you give the order, but you don't have any control over me. Besides—I didn't ask for your opinion on my life. I wanted to know how you seen me, not how you want to see me."

"You wanted the truth, and I gave it to you. That's how I think of you."

"So you pity me and think I'm stupid for not following your commands." I shook my head stiffly in disbelief. What is he trying to say? He wouldn't be ashamed of me if I was an entirely different person than I am now? I know my lifestyle is filthy and crooked, but that's how I was raised. That's what molded me into the person I am today—it wasn't an accomplishment, but that was all I had. And he wanted me to just get rid of it all? I'd have nothing left if I did that.

"Levi, listen. You know I care about you a lot and I'd do anything to help you. My intention wasn't to anger you, I just didn't want to feed you bullshit."

I turned my head forward and never looked back. "Well you failed. Get the fuck out."

A defeated sigh later, I heard the rustling noise of Erwin getting dressed and leaving without another word. I sat on the edge of the bed for a long while in pure silence. I held my head throbbing with a headache. About an hour passed and I couldn't even remember why I was so pissed off, yet the feeling didn't subside.

I wasn't meant to ever get close to others. I should have learned that lesson after I lost my parents. I get too fucking attached, regardless of my efforts not to. Then when they leave me, I'm left behind feeling more and more hopeless. Sometimes it feels like people enter my life just so they can be taken away from me.

Eren yawned into my room without knocking and his heavy stomps against the floor triggered a greater ache to consume my head.

"Good morning."

"Get. Out."

"Oh so cold." He wasn't fazed even slightly. "Since you're up I might as well get this over with. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry."

I looked up in time to see him fiddling with his fingers. "What did you do this time?"

"N-Nothing! I was apologizing for last night." He threw his palms up, waving them frantically. "I know I was being really immature and dumb. You have every reason to be mad at me."

"It's fine. I don't care anymore." I returned my sight back into my lap, watching my balled hands practically tear the fabric of my robe.

"You okay?"

"I'm fantastic. Can you leave now?"

Eren, as usual, had a habit of doing the complete opposite of what I said and plopped himself next to me on the bed, studying me carefully. Cornering a glance on him, his bottom lips dropped a little, but I could tell he was trying to keep his emotions blank. "Where'd all those marks come from?"

Why must he be so observant. Fussily, I rejoined my robe over my shoulders and covered my neck far enough to cover my frown. Instead of Eren persisting on the subject, he flopped his head against my shoulder and sighed obnoxiously. "I don't know what you're sulking about, but I can tell you that there's better days ahead. A nice guy like you will be rewarded eventually. I promise."

"Your stupidity is flattering."

He stuck his tongue out at me with a bratty squint, but his expression lighted up when he stood and grabbed hold of me with a warm hand. "Come on, I'll make you breakfast."

If only Eren knew I called him stupid in situations like this to hide the fact I found him incredibility smart. It's almost pathetic how a twelve year old boy can read me and know the prefect thing to say while I'm upset but a grown man I've been physically intimate with for a year now can't. I know Erwin didn't mean any harm—just an ounce of "tough love" perhaps, but he could be so ice cold sometimes. Perhaps that's how he manages his position in the Survey Corps. He probably lost his heart a long time ago.

Something Erwin doesn't realize is when someone is pissed off, they don't always want the harsh truth. It's best to be gentle with your words and let honesty shine when both parties have a clear head. Besides, I didn't want the truth he gave me, I just wanted to know how he felt—if he even had any feelings for me to begin with.

I've been drowned by his two personalities for a year now, I guess I just got the wrong impression about him—I thought he seen me as something more and the fact that it even bothered me that he didn't annoyed me to no end. To be frank, I'm disappointed in myself.

"Where's Mikasa?" After walking through the living room and the kitchen, the two places she'd normally dwell, I came to the conclusion she wasn't here.

"Oh, she went out shopping. She also said she's hunting for another part-time job for us too, so she might be gone for a while."

I sank back into the dinning chair. "You kids never listen. I said you didn't need to work to earn your keep. And I believe I already made it clear that I don't want you guys going out without me."

"It's fine, we used to go on errands all the time by ourselves back in Shiganshina."

"This isn't the Shiganshina District. From the outside it might seem peaceful with all the nobles around, but it's not safe for kids to wander around alone."

Eren set a cup of coffee in front of me and was smart enough to leave it black so I could add my own amount of sugar to it.

"You should give us more credit, we're tough. We can handle ourselves in a bind."

". . . . . ." I sipped silently.

It's not that I didn't think they were capable of running simple errands alone, I just didn't trust this neighborhood. I grew up here and had nothing but one bad experience after another. People liked to prey on those who looked weak, meaning kids were a main target. I was what you'd call a tough kid too, but that didn't change the fact that I was often victimized.

Eren hummed as he searched the kitchen, pulling out enough ingredients that would feed a family of ten. "Most of this stuff is going to go bad soon, so I might as well use it up. I hope you don't mind having a big breakfast."

"I'm not actually hungry, so good luck eating it all yourself."

Before I knew it, Eren was standing in front of me, his hand on his hip with a low scolding gaze. "Don't think I haven't noticed you barely eating lately." He closed his concerned eyes and scoffed. "Honestly, this is why you're so short. It's a lack of nutrition!"

"If you haven't noticed, I'm taller than you."

"And if you haven't noticed, I'm twelve." He spun back around to the stove, leaving me thinking about his lecture.

Maybe...he's right. Probably all those damn sweets I ate when as a teenager stunt my growth. I didn't have much choice though, I had to eat whatever I could and you can't exactly get healthy meals while living on the street.

While thinking this, Eren had whipped up the first batch of breakfast and sat down, devouring his plate as I stared at mine.

"See, this is why I'm going to be taller than you in a few years." He said while chewing a mouthful. "I actually eat right, unlike you. When I fully hit puberty I will grow like a weed."

"Keep telling yourself that. Just letting you know, I was taller than you by the time I was your age. Let that sink in."

"So, what," he paused to swallow, "did you stop growing at thirteen or something?"

He chuckled at his own joke and I kicked his shin under the table.

I did stop growing at thirteen.

"What the heck was that for? I'm just saying the truth! My parents were tall, so that means I will be too!"

"My father was over six foot and my mother was considered tall for a woman." I said simply.

". . . . . ." He gave me a petrified stare. This was a sight of a broken man that just lost his last shred of hope. "T-That doesn't mean anything..."

"Yes it does. It means you can't go by genetics."

Angrily, he started shoving food into his mouth. At this rate if he doesn't outsize me in height, he will in weight. "Just you watch, I'll be a Titan compared to your size in no time!"

"Yeah okay Titan-boy. Go wipe your mouth."

We ate quietly after that, only breaking the silence when Eren would pester me about not eating enough. I would have found it annoying, but it was almost sweet hearing the be kid so attentive.

"Oh Levi! I just realized something! It's New Years Eve!"

"Is that right?" I wasn't even aware of the date to be honest, but it would surely be one to cherish once the new year officially came and brought a storm with it.

"We should stay up until midnight and celebrate!"

"Looks like you and Mikasa will be the only ones celebrating, I have work tonight."

Funny how every time I mentioned work, his cheeks would glow red and he'd stutter like an idiot. "T-That's too bad..."

I moved on from the topic when something occurred to me too. "The last thing you should be thinking about is celebrating. Don't think I forgot about the disgusting wasteland you call a bedroom. You better clean it up when you're finished eating."

"Hmm, alright, I'll do it. But what do I get in return?"

"...You get to keep your bones unbroken." Was he really expecting a reward for keeping his room tidy? Wasn't that suppose to be a given? Judging by the twinkling look in his eyes, he had something specific in mind.

"Real funny—but I'm serious. I want a reward, the kind you can only get on New Years."

"And what is that, exactly?" I wasn't saying yes or no, I was simply curious about what he was rambling on about.

"I know you're going to say no, but please just hear me out—I want a New Years kiss."

"No."

"I knew it..." Disappointed, he stabbed his remaining food with his fork, then mumbled, "What about on the cheek... That's like a family kiss..."

". . . . . ."

He perked up, smiling like a cocky bastard as he sung out: "You're thinking about it~"

I sighed and swallowed the rest of my coffee that had now chilled. "I'll tell you what, if you clean the whole house top to bottom and there isn't a single speck of dust anywhere by the time I come back from work, then I'll do it."

"Really?! It's a deal!" His cheeks dusted with a pink hue and I immediately felt bad, because his efforts would be in vain. There was no way he'd get the house that clean, only I was capable of that. But who knows, the brat often surprised me. I guess we'll just have to see how badly he wants this 'new years kiss'.

Just two hours before the clock hands hit midnight and brought on the new shitty year, I was finishing up my first routine down at the club. It's been a busy night, the whole joint was packed beyond capacity and I was sure that the bars supply of liquor would be dried out by the end of my shift. New Years Eve, for some people, meant partying and getting shit-faced and it was an added bonus if you could do all that along with watching complimentary dancers.

I've already had my fair share of booze tonight—the moment I walked in, I ordered a few shots of my favorite brand of vodka and had a couple mugs of beer as I got ready backstage.

When I looked in the mirror, I curled my lip in disgust. Not that this wasn't something out of the ordinary that should be pointed out; I hated seeing my reflection, that was nothing new. But my focus was on all the marks coating my body, left over from Erwin's rough-handling last night. I didn't really care what those low lives out there thought about me, but for the sake of any dignity I had left, I decided to at least cover my bruised-up neck with the cravat since that's where I took the most damage.

The rest of my body wasn't half as bad; just a few bites and hickies here and there. But if I had to keep my jacket on to cover them up, my tips would surely suffer and the crowd would whine. I was having none of that.

I took my time on stage tonight. I wasn't in a rush to leave like usual. My performance wasn't the wild, fast pace show I'm known for. I didn't do any impressive spins or balancing acts. I just let my body find a rhythm it was comfortable with and went with it. Besides, I was far too drunk to pull off my common stunts, but I didn't hear any complains.

Over the course of time that I've been working here, my regular customers caught on that I liked to smoke on stage, so they'd often leave my favorite brand of cigarettes on the stage for me. I scissored one between two fingers and crawled to the end of the stage. After setting it between my lips, it only took a brief moment for a number of lighters to appear and ignite my cigarette at once. Pathetic how much they try to impress me even though I'll never regard anything but their money.

Taking a deep drag, I centered my gaze on the red glowing ash slowly burning the paper and then rolled to my back. The thick smoke floating around me shifted with my body as I did.

I wrapped my legs around the pole and used it to sweep myself across the floor. Shifting up to my knees, I thrusted my pelvis into the pole, swinging my hips as I did. I propped out my ass and teased it in front of all the perverts skirting around me. Since it's such a busy night, I intend to take full advantage of it and earn a good paycheck tonight.

But it seems that I rewarded them too much because someone just had to ruin the fun for everyone.

Followed my a cheering "Woo!" was a quick spank on my ass.

I tried. I tried so fucking hard to keep my hands clean tonight, but it looks like I'll have to mop up the floor with the poor bastards blood who dared to touch me.

With the pole as an aid, I lifted myself up and turned around, directly eying my customers for the first time this evening. Some of them shrunk back, either they were handsy victims of the past that knew the consequences, or they were there to bear witness to what I'm capable of when the rule about touching the dancers was broken.

But no one died tonight, because when I saw my refection in two lenses, my rage turned into curiosity. I knelled into a perch, not feeling a tad bit ashamed, and poked her forehead.

"What're you doing here, shitty-glasses?" I slurred.

"I'll explain later! Keep shaking that booty!" Hanji roared and smacked bills down on the stage eagerly.

If I wasn't drunk, this 'new customer' might have rattled me, but then again, this was Hanji; someone who knew a number of things I actively tried to hide. "Where you the one who touched my ass?"

"...It just looked like it was begging to be spanked." There wasn't an ounce of shame on her face or tone.

"Oi, how come she can touch you but when I do I get kicked in the face?" A customer in the back shouted.

"Yeah!" A few guys agreed in sync.

"This is why I prefer the other strippers," one man started, "they actually strip down to the bone and let you do whatever you want if you got the cash. Levi's just a fucking cock-tease."

"Oh shut up already," Hanji darted her head back to the crowd. "Levi is a classy man, you're all just mad because you wish you could get a piece of that ass!"

"I already did, bitch."

"Me too."

"Same there."

"I fucked him three times already."

". . . . . ."

After the murmurs of confessions silenced, Hanji threw a look up at me, her glasses set at the end of her nose. "...Seriously Levi? You won't let them touch you during a show but you'll screw them? You have weird priorities."

"In my defense, that was years ago. These assholes are bringing up ancient history."

"That's not what you said last month."

As classy as possible, I kicked the bragger square in the face and hoped off the stage. I locked my arm with Hanji. "I need another drink."

"You seem buzzed enough, you can barely can walk."

I paused my stride and lifted my foot. "Have you ever tried walking gracefully in heels this high while drunk? Shits impossible."

"Whoa, you gotta teach me how to walk in heels!" She squealed over the chatter as we approached the bar. "I'm not fully a woman if I don't learn! Please Levi!"

"Stop begging me before I even give a damn answer. It's annoying."

She sat down on the stool, calming down a bit. "Does that mean you'll teach me?"

"No." I sat beside her and waved my hand at the bartender. "Shot of vodka...wait, no. Just give me a mug of it."

"You're so cruel. It makes me wonder why you have so many fans." She puffed out her cheeks and pouted. If I can learn how to walk in heels myself, she can to. Heels sucked anyways—it made me wonder why girls willingly wore them. The only reason I bothered wearing them at work was because they somehow made it easier to pull off my tricks. Had no idea why, though. Maybe it was the height advantage or something.

"They're not fans, they're perverts."

"Still...you seem close to them all." She nudged me with a wink, trying to be playful about it but she had no way of knowing that it was a touchy subject for me.

I nursed my drink when it was set before me. "I only slept with them for money. I don't even know their names. Besides, I wasn't lying when I said it happened years ago. Except that one asshole—let's just say it was a slow night and my rent was due in the morning."

"Hey, no need to explain. There's no judgment coming from me. We all do what he need to get by. Sleeping with people for money isn't half as bad as what I do."

I needed to be drunker to hear this. I slugged down a massive gulp. "I'm almost afraid to ask because I know you're into some pretty weird shit—"

"No need to ask because I'm telling you anyways!" She turned the volume of her voice down and came in close to my ear with a whisper. "I sell organs to the black market."

"I knew it."

"Ehh?!" She entered a mode of utter distress. Her arms flapped around frantically. "Is it that obvious?!"

"Nah. It's just when I first met you, I was under the impression that you were going to cut out my organs and sell them."

She nodded with a smirk, looking away longingly. I'm not going to lie, that look freaked me out.

"If you died from that fall I would have. Or even if you just got slight brain damage. I'm not that picky—why waste good organs? That's always the best case scenario because the organs are nice and fresh and not coming from a rotten corpse that's been dead a while." Casually, as if she didn't just tell me she intended to sell parts of me, she threw her head back and chugged down some rum. "Uwa~! That's the stuff!"

Let's just hope that heat staining her cheeks wasn't a blush and was just the booze fevering her skin.

"You're full of surprises, Hanji."

"Says the one that was just shaking his ass on stage. Why didn't you tell me you worked here? I would have loved to watch your performances!"

"Wait. Let's back up a second. Did you know I was here or did you just stumble in here by chance?"

She gulped down the rest of her rum in a hurry and coughed in reply. "Oh, right. Eren told me."

I choked right along with her and the booze almost squirted from my nose. That stung like a bitch. "What?"

She laughed, smacking her fist on the counter. Looks like she gets drunk even faster than me. "He's such a cute kid, I swear." She looked up in recall, grinning. "I had no one to celebrate New Years with, so I had nothing better to do and went over your house. I knew you were working but I thought I'd keep the kids company. We talked a while and I asked about your job and out of no where Eren just blurs out that you're a stripper and recited the way to the club like he had it memorized or something, hahaha!"

I can just imagine him standing there, sweating like an idiot and stuttering with his skin dyed red. There's not a doubt in my mind that said he didn't run into the bathroom after being reminded of my occupation.

Before I could mentally tease the hormonal fool further, my thoughts were replaced with the memory of him sleeping soundly in my bed. Eren and I took a nap together earlier because I woke up far too early and needed one in order to survive work tonight and he was set on the idea of staying up all night.

The look of disappointment on his face was down right depressing when Mikasa informed him that he'd be celebrating on his own she didn't want to ruin her sleep schedule. At least Hanji gave him some company for a while—it probably lifted his spirits a bit.

"So long story short, I thought I'd pop by and see ya'."

"Well, you're welcome here, just don't touch my ass again."

"No promises."

Hanji and I ordered another round and as we waited for our drinks, she let another chuckle pour from her. "Eren is a real character though, I'll tell ya'. The whole time I was there, he never sit still for a second! He kept cleaning the whole house like a maniac!"

I cupped my palm under my cheek, humming in my throat thoughtfully. Looks like he's really working for the bet we established. My mind didn't dwell on it long and simply set it to the side as a future failure on his part. My thoughts drifted to Hanji, thinking it was strange that an exciting individual like her didn't have anyone other than bratty kids to hang out with on New Years Eve—then again, I didn't either. We went on to talk about the kids more and after a while, the conversation drifted to one less pleasant—one I really didn't want to touch right now.

"That reminds me. About earlier—I'm sorry if I caused you and Erwin any trouble, he looked kind of ticked off by the time I was leaving..."

"It had nothing to do with you at all. Nothing to apologize for. It's a problem between him and I." I could never place the blame on Hanji for something like that. For starters, it was my fault for even leading her to my room while knowing he was there, but for one, I was half asleep and two, I saw Hanji as a friend so I figured he wouldn't mind. I was wrong and got offended over a rule I already knew.

The night before I let lust conquer my mind and I got the impression that he was starting to loosen up about the strict rule of keeping me concealed from his personal life. Even so, it all came down to both his and my own fault.

To put it simply, I was too sensitive and he wasn't sensitive enough.

She stared at me for a while, questions painted all over her. Just as I easily glimpsed into her mind, she did the same and read my evident stress. "You guys didn't break up, right?"

I chortled into my glass bitterly. "We were never together to begin with. We just hook up, that's all. I think we just need a break from the routine, is all."

"I see. So you're friends with benefits, huh." She locked her fingers together. "You really have no special feelings for him? None at all?"

I stared into the pit of my glass drearily. "No."

I wasn't even fucking sure anymore about my feelings anymore. Lately they've all been so messy and unorganized and it made me want to peel out of my own skin. Last I checked, I feared that Erwin might fall in love with me, but here I am sulking because he made it clear he wasn't. How can I figure out the truth that's hiding under all this disorder?

Did I have feelings for him all this time, but lied to myself?

Was I pouting over my bruised ego that got trampled when I realized he didn't want to be seen with moi? Yet, didn't actually care for him romantically?

Maybe I was disappointed because I wanted him to fall for me just so I could break his heart and be the cold bastard I've always been.

There was so many possibilities, but I had no way of knowing which was the right combination that would unlock the truth. I usually can read others like a book, but I couldn't read myself and that was a scary thing.

There's only one thing I could be 100% about. Erwin was special in one sense for sure: he was the first man (or woman) I was ever completely consensual with. Everyone else I slept with was over money or drugs, which meant I didn't actually want them and merely used my body as a tool. Or in my darker times, I'd be forced completely against my will.

But with Erwin, there was nothing else involved in our affairs. He didn't pay me and even though he could be overwhelmingly rough at times, he never forced me and would stop in the middle of sex if I wanted him to.

If I really wanted to sound like a sappy drunk, I guess Erwin could be considered "my first" since we both had sex just to make each other feel good; what sex was meant to be and no other motives were involved. Maybe this is why my emotions for him were so raveled. I always tried to convince myself that I wasn't the sentimental type, but lately I'm realizing that's just another lie I tell myself.

I freed my dread with a sigh. "Why are you even involved in my sex life?"

She meant to point at me, but her elbow missed the counter and she nearly fell off the stool, I just watched the pathetic display motionlessly. Finally, she climbed back up with the aid of my arm. "Because every gay man needs a girlfriend to talk to about their sex life. It's practically the law."

"Who said I was gay?"

She gave me a dubious look over her glasses. "Well you did take the commander's dick up your ass and slept with nearly every man in this room."

Well if you put it thatway than of course it sounds gay.

"I like woman too." The liquids in my glass swished as I tilted my drink around thoughtfully. "But I just find men more...appealing in a sexual sense, I guess. Though, the one thing a man is missing is tits. That's the only thing that keeps them from being perfect and it's fucking depressing because tits are great."

"I think everyone can agree that tits are amazing, but come to think of it, Erwin seems to have a nice rack."

"His chest is bigger than yours so I think you may be right about that." I took a sip to hide the laugh building up and washed it down. "Now that I think about it, you're my ideal type, Hanji. You have tits and a dick. It's the best of both worlds. We should hook up, for scientific purposes." I added that last hook to convince her further. The bait is set. Now we wait for a bite.

"No can do~ I'm saving myself for my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend...? Ew. You didn't look like the steady type." Honestly, I wanted to say that she seemed too busy with her twisted hobbies to have time for a relationship. That was unexpected news though, really.

"Well I am! You're not the only one that has a thing for someone in the Survey Corps."

What is it, the Gay Corps? How many more gays make up that fraction? Well, I suppose her boyfriend isn't gay—Hanji is a woman, but there was the lingering fact that she still had a penis, so it was still a little gay. I was curious now, so I asked her who she was seeing, but she still didn't bite.

"Come on, I told you about Erwin."

Her lips quivered, like she couldn't hold back the secret any longer. "Ah okay, I'll tell you!" That didn't take much effort. "I'm seeing Mike Zacharias!"

Now the entire club knew who she was dating.

I looked up, trying to match the name to the face. "Is that the really tall blond one with the stubble?"

"That's the one! Isn't he handsome~?" She collapsed, her arms spread over the counter as she blushed. "I really wanted to hang out with him tonight for New Years, but he's so tired from the trip. I missed him so much too... It sucks."

"I heard it was a rough mission. Give him some time, you'll get to have welcome-back-sex soon enough."

"Psh!" She spat and heaved herself back up. "I wish! We never even slept together. Here's the problem, he doesn't know I'm transsexual yet."

"Yikes. That's gotta be rough."

"Tell me about it! I was going to hold off on sleeping with him until I had my surgery, but I don't want to lie to him, you know?"

I nodded, agreeing with the latter. "Yeah don't do that. I think it's right to be upfront about it. And if he doesn't accept you for who you are, then my offer still stands. I'll make a real woman out of you, Hanji."

She smacked my shoulder with an embarrassed smirk. "Levi!"

Maybe this was just the alcohol talking, but I hoped the best for her and Mike. The following conversation skimmed though some touchy subjects on her past, and after hearing that's she's been rejected by so many people because of her gender, she deserves to have a special person accept her. If not, I'll beat his ass and sleep with his girl. It's a win-win. Well, for me at least.

We spent the rest of the night having a good time together. We talked some more, drank some more and after Hanji requested eagerly, I went back on stage for another routine. I was sloppier than usual since I was beyond drunk at that point, but I gave her a hell of a performance and showed off all my moves. I also made a ton of tips—more than I ever did in one night before.

Overall it was a great night, probably the most enjoyable one in a long time. It gave me a chance to loosen up and not worry for a change. After a while, I didn't think of Erwin or the kids or Maverick or my friends. I just let booze swim through me and fill me with long forgotten oblivion.

It was sometime after five in the morning when Hanji and I said our slurred goodbyes and staggered separate ways home. It must have snowed while we were in the warmth of the club, because once again the pavements were covered in a sheet of snow. I clicked my tongue; as if it wasn't hard to walk already. At least my heels have been replaced with my normal boots and my heavy blazer compensated for the sudden temperature drop.

I ruffled through my pockets, looking for a match to light the cigarette dangling from my lips. With no finds in my pockets, I patted down my breast pocket and found where the box of matches were stored—but there was no need for it now that my cigarette had dropped from my mouth and landed in the freshly fallen snow; my heart sank just as low with it.

My front door was open—no, my front door was bashed open.

My breathing halted. My heart did too. My brooding eyes fixated on the incredulous scene.

All my joints malfunctioned; like a move of my leg really moved my arm and it made it almost impossible to stumble forward. Everything felt inverted, even my sight and I'm sure it wasn't just the lingering buzz. I finally tripped forward into a wonky jog and with every step, I repeatedly hoped that my warping vision was deceiving me.

Wood chips covered the threshold of the entrance from where the was door was butchered to shreds. Pieces of the door crushed under my boot and I could almost hear the crowbar splitting between the frame followed by the earsplitting crack of the lock breaking.

My heart thumped in my chest as my disbelieving eyes scanned the foreign space that was my living room.

The place is entirely trashed.

It's also freezing, telling me that the cold air from outside has been seeping in for a while now.

Ambivalent scenarios entered my mind. Untenable explanations were drowned out by rational, yet terrifying realizations that made me sicker and sicker until the point I felt a gag clogged in my throat.

I'm alone. I could sense it. No one else is here and I was pretty damn sure I was shaking when I realized this and it wasn't from the fucking temperature. I wanted to scream just to break the deafening silence. I wanted to hear or feel anything other than my own despondency or the devastating story stuck lingering within these walls. I wanted to hear Eren's voice. I wanted to hear Mikasa's voice. I wanted them to tell me they were okay. I wanted to see them. I wanted to touch their warmth and feel their kindness.

A wire in my brain snapped at that very moment.

I need to fucking see them.

Desperately, my slow pace accelerated and finally matched my palpitating heart. I ran straight into Eren's bedroom and flashed a glimpse into the room.

The place looked completely overturned and there was nothing but Eren's scent left behind. I got the same results when I searched Mikasa's room.

My nostrils flared as I brisked toward my own room.

That's where they are.

They had to be there.

I recited this out loud over and over in unsteady breaths.

That's the only door in the house that was still shut. I held onto that hope with every thread of my being. When I open the door, they'll both be there. They'll tell me they're fine. Eren will greet me with a bratty remark and Mikasa will roll her eyes at our petty quibbling like she always does.

Everything's fine. This was just a robbery—that's common. Thieves are completely harmless around here. They just took what they wanted and left without leaving scratch on anyone. Of course, Eren and Mikasa aren't hurt. Why would I even think that? If anything they're just a little scared. This was the case. It had to be. I had nothing to worry about. The kids probably ran to safety. They were either in my room or went to a neighbors house or the police headquarters to file a report.

That's right. Keep your head leveled. No need to get worked up. This wouldn't be the first time you were robbed.

But that blissful reassurance was stolen away from me when I turned the knob of my bedroom. It became clear that this was not a simple breaking-and-entering shortly after I gained confidence in that idea.

Nothing was out of place; everything remained completely untouched in my room. My guns where still here, my Maneuver Gear and the safe holding my savings were intact. Everything was accounted for.

Except for the kids.

I checked every corner, every closet, every cabinet. I rechecked every room. I tore the rest of the house apart in a pathetic attempt to find them. I must have broken and destroyed everything in the process of my despairing search.

I abruptly stopped all movement and broke down on all the clutter beneath me. My ragged breath couldn't be stabilize and my skin burned with a fever despite the fog spilling out my mouth from the cold.

It soon became clear that whoever invaded my home wasn't after valuables. My room would have been ransacked if that was the goal. All the goods they'd be looking for would only be found there. Nothing else in the house held any worth. They had no interest in even checking my room, which means they found what they wanted elsewhere in the house.

This was the storm I anticipated.

Darkness invaded my gaze. The bridge of my nose wrinkling from unassigned hatred. I battled against the clutter spread out on the floor from when I tipped the dresser over. I cursed and screamed and threw everything violently across the room. I bared teeth to all the shambles in my way until I found my revolver.

With trembling hands, I loaded six bullets into the chamber and left the nearly-demolished house behind.