Chapter Text
No Tag Warnings apply.
Kris hadn’t been able to sleep for a while. His apartment always felt so lifeless and empty, especially now he spent all of his nights alone. The loneliness was awful, it crept up on him every night when he wasn’t working, leaving him in a constant state of paranoia and numbness.
It had gotten especially bad after the major accident.
There would be moments in time where his eyes would briefly glimpse at his hands and all he could see was the blood. Sometimes when he was in a parking lot or on a highway and he got the slightest whiff of tarmac or burning rubber he would begin to tense, terrified of looking around and finding mangled cars and people. Normally he would pass it off as something minor which would go away with time, everyone who worked in the emergency services had their experiences with trauma and stress-related side effects, but Kris had been feeling particularly vulnerable for a long time and he knew this one wouldn’t just go away.
It was time for an intervention. He needed some professional help.
To be honest, he wasn’t ashamed to admit it, he wasn’t going to be the first or the last. He just wished he had a stronger will, a better defence. But it was easy to let things get on top of him, especially when he’d been feeling low on a daily basis. And yes, it absolutely was about Tao.
God, he missed him so much. Occasionally he would catch himself watching videos or scrolling through Instagram and he’d have to physically stop himself from sharing it with Tao, and then he’d feel that heaviness in his chest, that realisation that Tao wasn’t really with him anymore. He’d buy food at the supermarket that he’d always buy, then realise at home he never really liked it, he’d always get it for Tao. Arguably the worst part was going to bed alone and waking up alone. Regardless, he hated every moment.
It was some random time in the night, Kris had stopped checking the clock a long time ago. He was staring at the patterns the street lights made on the ceiling of his bedroom. Every so often cars would pass and make the diagonal streaks change directions. If he kept this up he was going to go stir crazy.
Rolling onto his side, he tried to curl up some, but it was difficult with his long limbs. Slapping the mattress near his pillow he grabbed at his phone. 2:21 AM. His phone lock screen was so bright he had to keep one eye shut, but that didn’t stop him staring at the picture. It was from Kris’ last birthday, he’d taken Tao to Lotte World and spoiled him even though it should have been him being spoiled. They’d taken a selfie together with the bear-shaped cotton candy, Tao’s mouth open over one ear while Kris smiled next to him. He’d give anything to go back to that moment when things were so much better and he wasn’t lying awake, alone for the whole night, scared to sleep because of the nightmares.
Maybe it was because of the sleep deprivation, or perhaps the rush of emotions from thinking back to that moment in time, but he found himself opening up Tao’s contact. The last messages he’d sent were to tell him he missed him, a sentiment which was ignored. He didn’t want to scroll up to the previous messages, because it was just Tao telling him how unhappy he was, and he didn’t want to be reminded. He already felt like an asshole.
It was his own fault, he was so scared of commitment that he didn’t really treat Tao properly. He wasn’t really that loving, or boyfriend like, he mainly acted like he was his best friend who he would occasionally fuck. The way he portrayed himself was nothing like how he truly felt, though. He wanted so desperately to go back in time and change the way he had acted. But he wasn’t a time traveller or a miracle worker, he was just someone who had taken something for granted. Hindsight is always 20/20.
Besides, there wasn’t really much he could do in that department. Despite himself still feeling like it was a fresh wound, Tao had already moved on to someone else. Which was fine, that was his prerogative, he just couldn’t help but feel it was too fast, and why Sehun? He had a lot of questions that he needed the answers for in order to get some closure, but with the way, things currently stood, it would be a very long time before he ever got any answers.
Everyone said that time was the best healer, so why did he still feel just as bad as he did that first day he was truly alone?
--
It had been a reasonably average shift, Kyungsoo had successfully managed to avoid any conversation which was more than a few courteous words between colleagues, so he counted it as an overall success. During times like these, he liked to keep his conversations to an absolute minimum out of fear that he would show too much emotion and end up either screaming at someone or having a full-on psychotic breakdown.
Pulling up to Minseok’s house, he glanced down at the passenger seat. Over the past couple of weeks, he’d accumulated a fair amount of Tupperware which was in desperate need of a wash. He missed his apartment, Luhan’s cooking was great and all but he was putting on weight because he’d always get the biggest portions, probably out of guilt. There was a bottle of wine in his fridge which he’d opened before… all that bullshit happened, and it was most definitely ruined now.
Resting his arms on the steering wheel, he sighed heavily. The radio was still playing, some angry music he’d downloaded a while back which he’d decided was relevant again. Perhaps it was time to go back home, he wanted to shower in his own bathroom, eat his own food, sleep in his own sheets with his favourite brand of fabric softener. Yes, he would broach the subject with them both that evening.
Gathering his Tupperware, he shuffled his way towards the front door, he glanced back at his car, noticing that he’d had to park back further than normal since the street was busier. Then he felt the tiniest pang of guilt when he realised that most of the cars on the street were all clustered together. Oh well, he’d be leaving early in the morning for work so it didn’t really matter.
At the door, he noticed that all of the lights were on, using his elbow he opened the door and nudged it open with his back, careful of all the boxes. Normally he was greeted with distinct smells of cooking, but today all he could smell was the faint smell of the laundry detergent. When he went to take his shoes off, he saw an extra pair. Did they have guests? He better just shuffle off to his room and keep to himself if so.
He made a beeline for the kitchen so he could set all the boxes to soak, but before he could make it he heard Luhan call out to him.
“Sorry, I’m just putting these in here then I’ll get out of your hair,” he said, as softly as he could muster.
He started to unload (mainly the boxes just fell) but he was once again interrupted.
“Kyungsoo, you have a guest,” Luhan said, equally as soft.
When Kyungsoo turned to glance at him, his expression was unreadable. Who would visit him here? Everyone who mattered to him knew that he was currently going through it and he was not to be disturbed, with the only exception being his mother.
“Who is it?” he asked, child-like.
There was no verbal response, Luhan just gestured for someone to come into the kitchen, but they were hidden by the corridor. There was a feeling of apprehension, he had no idea what to expect, but if Luhan’s sullen expression was anything to go by it wasn’t anything good.
The door creaked as Jongin stepped into view, and honestly, it felt like the biggest punch in the gut Kyungsoo had ever felt. It was so strong he actually felt himself curl up a little, the adrenaline rush so forceful he felt all of his blood rush to his head. Was he going to faint?
No.
He was going to stab Minseok though, who stepped into view shortly after.
Jongin looked tired, his normally luscious hair was ever so slightly greasy like he’d missed a wash day, and his normally vibrant skin was lifeless and dull. Which, to be honest, made it even more annoying that he still evoked that kind of reaction. Kyungsoo knew he didn’t exactly look great either, his new hairstyle hadn’t looked as good since the day he left the salon, and the increase in the number of carbs in his diet had left him feeling bloated and his skin certainly didn’t appreciate it.
It was silent for a moment which felt like an eternity, during this time Kyungsoo experienced a whole myriad of emotions. Anger, resentment, grief, sadness and a touch of happiness. He could feel everyone’s eyes on himself, but he couldn’t seem to tear his own away from Jongin’s gaze. It was the first time he’d seen him since… that day… and he would be lying if he said he never wanted to see him again. There was a small part of himself that hoped every day that Jongin would come to track him down and apologise. But Kyungsoo knew himself that it was a very unhealthy fantasy, and if any of those self-help books and anxiety advice videos on youtube were right then he knew he had to break all contact. Sometimes you just don’t get any closure, and he’d almost, almost accepted it.
Until this moment.
He saw Luhan shuffle in his peripheral vision, probably waiting to be dismissed, or shouted at, whichever came first. It took him a moment to be grounded in reality after the flurry of emotions, but when he came to he realised he still had one the Tupperware containers in his grasp. There was an overwhelming urge to throw it full force at Minseok’s head, but he contained himself.
It was difficult, but he managed to muster up enough strength in himself to use his voice. “What the hell is this supposed to be? Why is he here?”
He unconsciously added a lot of malice to his voice, especially when he referenced Jongin as ‘he’, it wasn’t intentional, but he was terrible at hiding his own emotions. In truth, the part of him which was very unhappy to see him definitely outweighed the part which was happy.
For a moment it looked like Jongin was going to respond, but Kyungsoo could tell that his tone had left Jongin feeling unhappy. So instead, Minseok spoke, loudly clearing his voice before he did so.
“Look, you can’t just run away and avoid this conversation, you both need to sit down and talk. Like adults.”
The end part was tacked on as an afterthought, which Kyungsoo felt like was a low blow. Like adults? Adults move on with their days, they don’t wallow in self-pity about the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’s’. He was doing his best to move on, he’d carried on at work and was trying not to rely too much on others. Was that not what he was supposed to do? Bringing in his ex without telling him was childish.
Kyungsoo scoffed, feeling his face begin to heat up in anger. “Adults stay out of people’s business.” he gritted out, sending a chilling glare Minseok’s way.
“Don’t start getting an attitude with me, I’m doing this for your own good. Like, I love you and all, but you’ve been acting like a heartbroken teenager and you need closure.” Minseok said, folding his arms. His stance was firm, like a parent scolding their child.
It made Kyungsoo angry. He stepped forward to square up, seeing red, but Luhan had already sensed that Minseok was beginning to push his buttons. He stepped in between them both, hands up defensively. “Hey, hey, don’t do or say anything you’ll regret, either of you.”
Huffing, Kyungsoo stood back, but he was already feeling riled up. Minseok’s house was supposed to be his safe place, somewhere where he could relax and not have to worry about confrontations like this. The energy in the room was awful, and everyone could tell. So far, Jongin had remained silent, stood to the side like an awkward little puppy, Kyungsoo had never gotten this angry in front of him before, so he was sure that he was shocked with how he was reacting.
After a pause, Luhan stepped back. “Look, just hear him out, if you’re still angry and upset afterwards you have my permission to punch Minseok right in the face.” and with that, he started hastily ushering Minseok out of the door.
When it was just the two of them left, it was silent. Though Kyungsoo could hear the faint sound of someone rapidly speaking mandarin in the living room, despite the door being shut. Unfortunately, he couldn’t focus on that because Jongin was looking at him with the saddest eyes. He shouldn’t feel any sympathy, Jongin was the reason this had all happened, and yet here they were.
Kyungsoo wanted so desperately to stand his ground, to remain firm on his opinion of what had transpired. So, he folded his arms, leaned his weight onto one leg and tried to fix him with the bitchiest look he could possibly muster, despite feeling like he was going to cry the minute someone raised his voice at him.
“So? What do you have to say?” he virtually demanded, holding back nothing.
Jongin sighed, and Kyungsoo could tell it was deep. “I just wanted to explain myself properly. There’s been a massive misunderstanding.”
“A misunderstanding? I don’t know, it looked pretty clear cut from the messages from your mom.”
Jongin rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “No- ugh, please can you just sit and let me explain myself? I’ll answer any questions after, I just need you to hear what I have to say, uninterrupted.”
He toyed between saying yes or no, a part of him wanted to inflict the pain he’d felt back onto Jongin by telling him to take it someone who cared, but Minseok seemed to trust him, why else would he bring him here? Minseok and Luhan both knew how traumatic the whole situation with his ex was, there must have been a good reason as to why they were even entertaining the idea of Jongin explaining himself.
He gingerly took a seat at the small dining room table, not once breaking eye contact with Jongin. He felt too vulnerable, like an animal being hunted for prey. There was no way in this world he was going to let his guard down and just let Jongin woo his way back into his life. When he was seated, Jongin took the chair opposite, now that he was up close Kyungsoo could see that Jongin was very tired, probably sleepless. Good. Hopefully, he had a conscience that made him feel guilty.
“First off, I want to say that I would never, ever cheat on you. I know that something must have happened before, and I obviously don’t know the details, but the fact that you kept it to yourself after all this time tells me that it hurt you really badly. Despite all this, I know that my actions have made you feel pain, it’s probably brought up some bad memories and for that, I am so sorry. I’ve hurt you, not intentionally, because…” and he paused, almost as if he was trying to find the right words to say.
“There are things I haven’t been truthful about. Before you start overthinking, I want you to know that I am… I am gay, I don’t have a girlfriend and I never have. Those messages from my mom? It’s because I’ve been elaborately hiding the fact that I’m gay since I left university.”
Kyungsoo’s brain couldn’t really process all the inferred information, so he felt confused. A cover-up? How deep did it go? It seemed pretty realistic, plus the messages from his mom implied that this girlfriend had been around a lot longer than a couple of months.
“Who is she?”
Jongin gave him a knowing look. “I’ll get onto that, just hold on.”
Kyungsoo gritted his teeth, trying his best to hold his tongue.
“None of my family know I am gay. I haven’t told anyone because I know their reaction would be… very bad, to say the least. My family are Christian, but not the completely accepting Christians like your mom, they’re full of hate. I’m their only son, and there’s so much pressure on me to marry a girl and have lots of babies and continue the family name. They drilled it into me when I was younger that that was what was expected of me, but they didn’t really start putting on the pressure until I graduated. I couldn’t have a single conversation with them that didn’t involve ‘when are you going to settle down?’, ‘why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?’, ‘we’re not getting any younger’.”
Jongin sighed, Kyungsoo could see in his expression that he’d never been able to voice this to anyone before. Usually voicing things made it necessary to accept.
“Eventually I got tired of it. A few of my very close college friends knew and were supportive, so when I told them my situation, they gave me a solution. I just started lying. I’d have relationships which were short, I’d usually find pictures of girls online which I know is really weird and I shouldn’t have done it but I’m a gay man working a very demanding job and I don’t really have any female friends.”
In normal circumstances, Kyungsoo would have laughed at the last part. But instead, he just smirked to himself.
“Soon enough though, that stopped working. In my heart, I wanted to be myself, and just never speak to them again, but if I did that I would also have to cut off contact with my sisters. My parents support them both financially, and what they say, goes. I needed something longer term to keep them off my back, something that would give me enough time to figure it all out. Chanyeol said his sister, Yoora, would help me. She sends me selfies, pictures of her at restaurants or out in the city, that make it look like I’m with her in person. She understands why I’m doing what I'm doing and doesn’t say anything to anyone. So, that’s the girl.”
Kyungsoo took the moment of silence to run through what had just been told to him. Okay, so Jongin apparently has been employing the help of Chanyeol (really, it had to be Chanyeol’s sister?) to fake being straight in order to keep his relationship with his siblings. He was gay and he hadn’t cheated on him, allegedly.
“Kyungsoo… I love you, truly I do. I have never felt this way about anyone in my whole life, I’d move mountains for you if you asked me too. Please don’t let my own cowardice break us apart like this.” Jongin begged, with pleading eyes.
He could literally feel his heart soften at the words, because in the end, despite everything, he still loved Jongin. When he was with him he could temporarily forget his past trauma and live his life like a normal human. With Jongin, love was exciting again, it wasn’t something to be feared. But he was still apprehensive, he still wasn’t completely sure he was onboard with Jongin’s story. Maybe with time and some more explanations, he would be able to accept it, but right now, the pain was still raw.
“Do you promise me that you’re telling the truth?”
The few soft words seemed to surprise Jongin, before he eagerly answered. “Yes, I promise.”
Sighing, he leaned back. His guarded posture melted away and he relaxed, ever so slightly. It was plausible that this was the correct explanation, they didn’t live in the most accepting society, and not everyone was an angel made of gold like his own mother. Jongin hadn’t lied, per se, but he had withheld the truth, and that needed to be addressed.
“From now on you need to be completely honest with me, no more secrets.”
The tension seemed to dissipate, and Jongin could sense that he was forgiven, but only just. The worried expression he wore when he walked in was gone, but he was still furrowing his eyebrows. There was a hint of a smile on his lips, he held his hands out across the table, waiting for Kyungsoo to take them.
“No more secrets.” he echoed.
First, he looked at Jongin’s outstretched hands, he felt like if he did finally take them then he was accepting what Jongin had said as gospel truth. He still had some burning questions that needed to be answered, but for now, he would rather accept the good, and ignore any bad. Jongin meant too much to him, they’d just started to build something so special, and he wasn’t prepared to give up just yet. Because honestly, Jongin was worth fighting for, worth working past the trauma for.
When their hands met, Jongin gripped tight, like at any moment Kyungsoo might slip away. The sensation alone made Kyungsoo feel the best he’d felt in days.
“I missed you so much. I lost all motivation while you were gone, it was so hard to function.” Jongin murmured, his voice cracking ever so slightly.
“I’m sorry you felt that way,” Kyungsoo replied, unsure of how else to answer.
“I know that you probably feel apprehensive, and I totally understand that. The trust has been broken, but I’ll do anything in my power to make it right.”
Sighing, he nodded. Kyungsoo did feel apprehensive, he didn’t want to have his heart broken again, but there was something in the way Jongin spoke that made him feel like he was being honest, but he’d been fooled before. He just hoped that he was doing the right thing this time.
Perhaps he owed Minseok an apology.