Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Evan briskly walked to the back of the grey and dreary school building,  taking deep breaths and trying to keep his mind focused. Everything was too overwhelming sometimes, he felt completely alone in school and wanted nothing more than to escape. School was yet to start so he wanted to collect his thoughts in peace. What he didn’t expect to find was Connor Murphy sitting on a bench behind the dreary school building, a cigarette hanging from his mouth and his eyes gazing unamused at the grey sky. He was wearing a black hoodie and he was slumping, one arm hung limply by his side whilst his other pale hand reached up to take the cigarette from his chapped lips, he breathed out grey smoke which then dissipated into the cold air; Connor dropped the cigarette and scuffed it into the floor with his boot. Evan just stared, panic building up in his stomach and forming knots, what was he meant to do? Should he run back into the building and wait by his locker until class starts?

Whatever plan he could have come up with would be useless now as Connor turned to him and their eyes caught. Haha, shit. Evan’s hands fidgeted by his side as he saw Connor stand up from the bench and sigh “What do you want?” he asked, a crease forming between his brows. “Oh- um. I just wanted to- um, come here before class starts because…” Evan certainly did not want to explain his panic attacks to Connor, not that he thought the taller boy would even care. “It’s peaceful?” he finally continued, eyeing the grey gravel floor.  He heard Connor walk towards him and froze up, but relaxed a fraction as he heard him walk past. Connor simply said “whatever” in response. Evan decided to go into the school as well, and waved his sanctuary bye since bumping into Connor there was an experience he wasn’t willing to relive.

As soon as he went into school Evan merged in with the crowd, he simply became just another student in the hallway, unimportant, just another forgettable teenager. This thought actually comforted Evan slightly, he didn’t want to attract attention. Well, unless it was Zoe’s attention; but lets be real, why would she want to talk to him?

It was a hilarious coincidence when Evan bumped into Connor the second time that day.

Connor gazed up with disinterested eyes and frowned, they were in a small music room that only had one piano and he was fitted on it’s blue carpeted floor. Not many people used it and so it seems that Connor found it a great place to chill (and presumably skip class in), Evan was there to sit idly until lunch was over since Jared had fucked off somewhere. There was a small rectangle window open letting chill breeze in and it dawned upon Evan that Connor had it open so the air from outside could filter out the stench of weed (Connor wasn’t smoking at that moment, but he had brought a black canvas backpack with him that was wide open and the inside showcased some weird glass instrument Evan didn’t know the name of, used for smoking weed. The only thing he did recognise was rolling paper to make a joint with.) How much does this guy smoke?

“Seriously, what the fuck?” Connor grumbled, straightening his back against the wall. Evan just stood there, mouth gaping. “Thi-This is a coincidence, I just wanted to sit here u-until lunch is ov-over.” He finally said. Connor didn’t move, his eyes narrowed a fraction “Then do.”

At this point Evan wanted nothing more than to leave, but fearing that to be rude he sat down on the black piano stool and mentally crossed out his chance to escape. He rested one of his hands on the stool and nervously dug into the fake leather, feeling the smooth texture beneath his fingers. Connor dug into his bag, and pulled out a plastic bag with some green herb inside. “I-is that marijuana?” Evan heard himself stutter. “No, it’s oregano and parsley” Connor replied sarcastically. Evan didn’t say anything, just fidgeted nervously. Connor glanced up, “Is there a problem?” He asked. “No!” Evan squeaked, “I just think tha-that um, you shouldn’t- never mind..”

“No, tell me”

“No- no, never mind!!”

Connor stared unimpressed into Evans eyes, Evan saw his slightly hollowed out cheeks, his unhealthy complexion from lack of sleep and beneath his eyes the bags and dark circles to match. Connor looked uneasy slumping against the wall, his hoodie covering his lanky body and fingers clasping the plastic bag, a sad means to escape from reality; he looked broken even.

“Drugs are- they can be used as an unhealthy coping mechanism. I don’t know what you’re go-going through but, you should try to take better care of yourself.” Evan darted his eyes away.

He had fucked up, surely Connor would get angry from that pathetic lecture.

The silence was too much to bare, Evan would just have to face him, his eyes found Connors again and he swore his heart flipped in his chest. He looked- shocked? His eyes were open, not a hint of anger on his face, the artificial light shone in his dark eyes making them sparkle and Evan’s heart sped up for some reason; nervousness possibly?

Connor recollected himself, he took the rolling paper from his backpack and Evan looked at him disappointed. “Is that all Hansen?” 

“Yeah. S- sorry“

Connor sighed, the thin paper between his index finger and thumb as he continued to roll his joint, “no need to apologise.”

There was a beat of silence; Evan had started to fidget again, he looked at the clock on the wall. There was 10 minutes till class. “Do you, uh, play any instruments?” Evan asked, probably to break the silence.

“No. I kinda want to learn something though. My sister does.”

“Yeah I know! I sometimes g-go to and see her p-play at the jazz band con-concerts”

Connor looked up for a second, and just hummed. Oh, did Evan say something wrong? Did he sound like a stalker?

Evan coughed awkwardly as the stench of weed filled the room; he wanted to escape and eyed the clock again. “What about you?” Connor asked. Evan blinked “what?”

“An instrument. Do you play anything?” He clarified.

“Oh, right! No, I don’t. I’m not a musical p-person.”

“What do you like then?”

“Trees?” Evan unsurely replied. Connor eyed him disbelievingly before his lips quirked up into a smile; “seriously? Trees? Oh my god-“ he laughed. Evan chuckled along too, he wasn’t offended as he had already come to terms with his pathetic interests. “Na-Nature is-um, li-like, relaxing” Evan said. Connor looked at him curiously and Evan tried to rephrase what he had said “You should go to a park and” and be with trees? That sounded so weird. “And yeah.”

“Are you saying I need to relax or something?” Connor was frowning and Evan froze. “No! No- Just if you- If you are ever stressed. Instead of um-“

“Instead of what? Acting violent because of too much pent up stress or some shit?” Connor’s eyes shone with anger.

“First you preach to me about drug abuse like you know fucking anything Hansen, then you stalk my sisters ass? And now?”

Oh, shit.

“No- I didn’t-t want to seem-m I-I’m so-sorry” Evan’s voice shook and his palms twitched, he clenched them and felt the familiar warmth of his sweaty hands. He sprung up from his chair and dashed out of the room to class, grabbing his things from his lockers before entering the class room; just in time. He didn’t know Connor was that emotionally unstable, was it that hard to have a normal conversation with him? He had heard of people going so far as to call him Zoe’s ‘monster’ brother. Evan’s mind whirred, beneath Connor’s rage he had seemed hurt, but Evan didn’t understand why.

Evan didn’t really think of Connor for the rest of the day, just thought he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The only thing that stuck in his head was how Connor’s eyes could shine so beautifully and the next minute be consumed with anger.

Evan’s third encounter with Connor was after a jazz band concert. Evan had “volunteered” to help (or a teacher had volunteered him and Evan just went along with it. Although seeing Zoe was a big bonus, and maybe the only reason why he did in fact turn up.) Jared had laughed and said he had better things to do than hang around at some weird concert for him, but maybe next time, okay? After the concert was over Evan left the hall and went outside, breathing in a sigh or relief in finally being freed from the schools horrible grey building and oppressive atmosphere.  That’s when he saw Connor who was waiting outside, leaning against a wall and looking at his phone; he looked up when he heard Evan clumsily walk over the gravel. “H-hi!!” Evan stuttered out, he probably could’ve kept walking, just casually nodded or something but no, of course not. Connor put his phone in his pocket. Bad sign, he wants to talk bad bad  bad- “Hey, is it over?”

This took Evan a second to process, “oh- yeah. Zoe should be coming out now but, she-she will take longer b-because she was in the concert and st-stuff so y-yeah.” Connor groaned in frustration which made Evan flinch. He pushed his hair back off his face with his hand and looked away to the side, “listen, about earlier. I’m sorry.” Oh. Evan’s fingers fidgeted by his side, “th-that’s okay” he met Connor’s eyes with his own and smiled weakly when he saw his uncertain expression. “Cool.” Connor replied awkwardly. Zoe then came out, wearing a light pink jumper and denim jeans, she was carrying a case which held her instrument. She saw Connor first and then Evan “hi” she smiled, although her brows were turned up in confusion. “Hi” Evan replied, his heart skipping a beat from just sharing eye contact with her. Connor pushed himself off the wall, “let’s go already” he muttered and stalked off. Zoe passive-aggressively rolled her eyes and followed him, Evan whispered bye and turned to leave as well.

Well, that was an interesting encounter. Connor had been civil, he apologised; Evan thought he was fucked when he saw him but apparently not. Maybe his therapist would call Connor ‘misunderstood’ or something. Maybe this was just a good day for Evan, he had avoided being beaten up. Who knows? 

The next day at school was uneventful, Alana had waved hello to Evan (which surprised him- he didn’t think anyone but Jared even noticed him) and he meekly smiled back. Jared had computer club or something of the sort during lunch so Evan was left to eat alone. After school Evan was walking past the car park when he noticed Zoe looking nervous, they held eye contact and he shyly darted his head away. He stopped walking when he heard her go “wait!” and the sound of her approaching. “Hey…“ she said and trailed off. “Evan” Evan said, informing her of his name, although he knew that she would soon forget his name anyway

“Right! Evan, you know my brother Connor right?”

“I g-guess?” He replied stupidly and winced at his stutter. “Well, I’m not entirely sure where he is right now” she laughed and nervously tucked her brown hair behind her ear. Evan noted how it was a lighter shade than Connors, it seemed thicker too but not as soft as Evan remembered Connors to be; the main difference though was that her hair was actually clean and in comparison her brothers was unkempt and greasy. He hoped that wasn’t a weird thing to notice. “My phone ran out of batteries so could you call him for me?” She smiled. “Sure. I don’t-t have his number th-though”

“Of course, it’s fine though, I know it by heart”

Evan nodded and brought his phone out, it was an I phone 5S with a simple blue case and screen protector. His fingers brushed against Zoe’s as she took the phone from him, and he knew that it wasn’t enough for her to feel his sweaty palms but anxiety still sparked through him. “Thanks” she whispered as she typed in his number, “n-no problem!”    

The attempt at getting through to Connor failed as he didn’t pick up the first time, but without hesitation she clicked the ‘dial’ button again. “Connor.”  Zoe said in an unamused voice, “my phone died, where are you?” She continued. Evan started to tug at the hem of his shirt awkwardly, it made him nervous to stand around in front of Zoe whilst she was on the phone. “Yes school is over! Didn’t you hear the bell? Oh, of course you weren’t in class.” She paused and eyed Evan uncertainly. “Okay, just hurry I’m waiting by your car.” She brought the phone away from her ear and sighed, clicking the red button to end the call before passing it back. Evan tucked it away in his khaki pocket, she smiled although it looked strained, “thanks again.” He nodded and smiled, “sure- uh, anyt-time” and walked off.

If only he was more smooth, she probably thought he was stiff and socially inept, great!           

That night after he had finished all his homework, he was idly scrolling through his phone, alternating between watching YouTube videos (he originally went on for music but then found himself watching vine compilations) and going through Instagram. Maybe he was stalking Zoe a bit, (Jared teased him often for this) he noticed how Connor wasn’t in any of her photos, or even tagged in them (save for one posted 32 weeks ago.) He jolted a bit as he received an incoming text from The Insanely cool Kleinman™

Dude! Saw u talking to Zoe earlier. Lmao, u looked so awkward.

Did she find out about ur weird stalking habits? 

Evan rolled his eyes, typical Jared.

No she used my phone to call Connor as she was waiting for him.

Thats all.

If only his story was more exciting, he had just typed out the truth. Evan received another text.

Lol of course. Not like she wld talk to u anyway.

Ouch. His phone buzzed yet again,

Anyway u kno Connor’s like a total nutjob.

kinda weird she asked u out of evry1 to contact him

Evan hesitated, Jared was probably just bored, and was therefore texting him to entertain himself. But does he seriously have no faith that Zoe would notice him? Evan bit his lip as he typed out a response, he briefly wondered of he should tell the other boy about the his encounter with Connor during lunch but decided against it.

after the concert she saw me talking to him maybe ghats why. he was waiting for her to finish and I said hi. 

Jared sent one last thing:

LOL. thought as much

Evan sighed and looked at the time, it was 10 pm and he wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and sleep. Before hand though he checked his recent calls and added Connor’s number to his contacts. Just in case.

Chapter Text

Evan just wanted to survive until the school year ended which was only four weeks away. He wouldn’t have to see anyone from school over summer break, which he would pass by interning at Elison Park, a good way to be around nature which he was passionate about. Class had just ended and Evan hurriedly  jammed his textbooks into his backpack while the class erupted into noise; people chattered loudly as they got ready for lunch. He left the stuffy classroom and walked over the linoleum floor to his locker, opening the cool blue door and putting his stuff inside it. Lunch was a relief as it was an escape from dreary lessons, however straight after the bell rang the hallway filled up with people that were too close and everyone was too loud. Someone suddenly tapped Evan on the back and he swung around startled, “oh-hey!” he chuckled as he saw Jared who had scared the shit out of him.

“You okay there dude?”

Evan nodded and shut his locker. “Good. Let’s go get lunch then” Jared said and pushed his black glasses up the bridge of his nose. Evan followed after him, bumping shoulders with some tall guy who growled in a threatening voice, “watch where you’re going, fags.” Evan flinched but Jared simply stuck his middle finger up and kept walking, it wasn’t a big deal, this was high school. (Still, Evan still found himself focusing carefully on where he was walking just incase he bumped into anyone else.)

He hadn’t told Jared about him having Connor’s number, I mean, what was there to tell? The fact that Evan had saved it to his contacts was staker-ish behaviour and being able to contact the school freak anytime was definitely something to conceal. Maybe it would come in handy though, if Zoe ever wanted to call Connor and she had coincidentally forgotten her phone or something-or-rather Evan could save the day. Or maybe not.

They entered the loud cafeteria, where most people were already sat eating their food and Evan cued up in the line for school food, he truly envied those with pack lunch as his mum didn’t have the time to make him one every morning. Not that he blamed her, Evan appreciated how hard she worked and her duty to care for ill patients in hospital but a small selfish part of him still wished they could spend more time together. Once he got his food he sat at a table with Jared, there were some other guys at the table too but none that Evan was really familiar with. Jared smiled at them and they started talking, which was a bit of a relief since this way Evan didn’t have to make an effort to have a conversation with anyone, instead he just stared down at his plate and tried to find his appetite. He didn’t, but still managed to eat a few mouthfuls of mash potato, which was probably the cheap powder kind you get in packets and just add water to.

The rest of school day was pretty unremarkable, Evan wasn’t acknowledged by Zoe once, not that he had even hoped to be, and Connor either didn’t go to school or had done a miraculous job of hiding. Although, now thinking about it, Evan never really saw him at lunch time and they he didn’t think they shared any classes together.

The last few weeks of school were unremarkable as a whole but Evan didn’t expect anything to happen anyway. It was actually nice to end the school year without drama, just the same routine every day. Wake up for school, find a quickly scrawled out note on the table explaining why his mother couldn’t be there for breakfast due to an early morning shift. Or, how she might not be able to make it for supper, so would he please order some food and actually eat it this time. A nice familiar routine, where Evan was bored and so, so alone.

Now he had summer vacation, two months to do what ever he pleased, but he knew that instead of being a normal teenager and going to friend’s houses he would be at home practicing essays for scholarship contests and dreading when the pizza delivery guy rings because that would be his awkward human interaction for the day. Well, that wasn’t completely true because Evan was going to be interning at a park, so he would obviously speak to people there. Plus, what he said earlier to Connor was true, nature was calming so maybe it would minimise the chances of panic attacks. Also, Heidi (Evan’s mum) had promised she would be home for tonight; and she would take the day off work for his sixteenth birthday too.

Evan was sitting on the sofa watching some weird television program when he heard key’s rattling outside the door and then it swung open, he flinched from the noise but smiled when he saw his mum. “Honey! How was the last day of school?” She asked, smiling and kicked her shoes off. “Y-yeah, it was great” Evan replied, standing up and going over to her where he was tackled into a hug. He laughed into her shoulder, it was nice and warm. “Great! Okay, should we order food? No- you’re sick of that aren’t you? I can make pasta and then we can watch a film!” She released Evan from her grip and removed her coat, Evan could see how much of an effort she was making for him; he nodded, “sounds g-good.” Heidi went into the kitchen, “choose a film then!”

“Sure mum” he replied and looked through the films they had. ‘Hannibal’? No way- that film was not lighthearted or ideal to watch right now. He continued looking through the dvds, and ended up picking out a romantic comedy called ’Something about Mary.’ While he waited for his mum to cook he scrolled through Instagram, then went to snapchat, he actually had a few people on his snapchat from his school although he couldn’t remember when he added them. He tapped on their stories, they were at some party and Evan was a bit jealous although this house party looked like his literal nightmares. Too many people, loud shitty music and weird strobe lights; a recipe for distress.

After a while his mum came out of the kitchen with two plates of pasta and set them down on their table, Evan got knives and forks and they ate together. Heidi told him funny stories from work, Evan didn’t have much to say in turn but he did tell her how well his essays were going, “that’s great Evan!” Heidi had responded, smiling brightly.

“So, Evan, have you been having any panic attacks lately? I know you deal with those quite often and you need to honestly tell me, okay?” Evan froze, he didn’t know what to say, he didn’t want to worry his mum but he opted for telling the truth. “Yeah, kind of. It’s not that bad though.” Well, that wasn’t entirely the truth but close enough. His mum nodded, “I was thinking that you need more support.”

“Support?” He asked, not entirely sure where the conversation was headed or if he even wanted to know.

“Yes, like a therapist. Someone who you can freely talk to about your problems. They’ll keep track of your progress and offer help.”

Oh, ohh. “Um- Ok-kay. Yeah. Thanks. B-but aren’t they expe-pensive?” Evan knew how hard his mum worked, would the extra expense be too much? Did he even deserve it?

“No- well, Evan you don’t need to concern yourself on how much this will cost. If you need it then it doesn’t matter, I really want someone to be there for you.” She explained, Evan wasn’t entirely convinced, he didn’t see himself opening up to someone anytime soon even if they were qualified to help or whatever. He still nodded and put on a smile, appreciate her effort, “okay mum.” Heidi looked pleased, they had both finished eating and so she got up and put their plates in the kitchen, “let’s watch the film you chose then!”

The rest of the night was nice, they relaxed and watched a film and then Heidi tucked him in bed. He just managed to catch her for breakfast in the morning before she left for work again with a sigh.

Two days into summer vacation Jared had texted him,

Dude come over to my place!!

Evan wondered why, but he sent back “sure”

Once he arrived he greeted Jared’s parents with a smile, “Hello Mr and Mrs Kleinman.”

“No need to be so formal Evan, you can call us by our names” Jared’s mum laughed. Evan smiled nervously, he quickly took off his shoes and went up to Jared’s room to avoid small talk. Jared was idly lying on his bed, “hey” he said as he looked up and saw Evan awkwardly standing by his door. “Hey Jared, did you-uh n-need something?” Evan asked. “Nah, just wanted to hang out. I’m bored so lets play some games, also my parents will think it’s weird if I don’t see you for the whole vacation when we’re supposedly ‘best friends.’” Jared said and tossed Evan a game controller, “right..” Evan replied. He wasn’t exactly flattered but he guessed it was nice to be with someone he could be comfortable around. They played Super Mario Bros and Evan laughed at all of Jared’s jokes, it was kind of fun especially as Jared didn’t have his ‘I’m-an-asshole’ persona on (mostly activated during school hours, although it was definitely part of his personality too.) Evan ended up staying over for supper too, even though he had to engage in conversation with Jared’s parents it was fine, they had known each other since forever and so they were knew all too well about Evan’s stutter and what Jared called his ‘social incompetence.’

The whole time Evan knew that Jared would never actually be his real friend, he also knew that Jared had his own problems but he covered himself in a thick barricade of sarcastic jokes and his arrogant personality and there wasn’t much Evan could do about that. He left his house and even though he was offered a lift back to his house he shook his head and politely said, “It’s fine, I can walk.”

The walk back was pleasant because by then the sky had turned midnight blue, and everything seemed so small and insignificant compared to the large expanse of sky and the blazing stars and that thought was so reassuring. Evan entered his house which was also dark, and there was no stars to light up his house. He didn’t bother turning on any lights and stumbled recklessly up to his room, where he changed into his pyjamas. He didn’t feel too tired though so he played ‘another one of those days’ by Cavetown and decided to do some homework. Music was great because it filled up his empty room and as sad as it seems the sound almost felt like company.

Evan woke up the next morning and wasn’t exactly sure when he had gone to bed but all of his Maths homework for summer vacation was finished (so he had been productive.) He got dressed in his a plain blue polo shirt and jeans and decided to go to the park to do his internship, he had already gone in advance so they knew he would be working there they accepted him immediately clearly desperate for people even though he hadn’t turned 16 yet. (His birthday was only a week away.)

The work was pretty standard, he just went around the park picking up peoples litter that they had left behind. The park centre building was interesting though, someone had painted various trees on the wall (many of which Evan could recognise) and there was also a brochure of how the park was built and how it had evolved over a hundred years. It was kind of interesting, or maybe Evan was already bored and the brochure was the only thing around to read. So Evan wandered around the park again, contemplated as to whether he should sit under a tree since he had observed many dogs pissing under them and when he sat on an oak bench he plugged in his earphones to his phone and played some music. He felt kind of on edge, like maybe someone would tell him to get working again even though it was his lunch break.

The most repetitive and tedious week of his life passed, he liked the internship but it takes away the joy when you’re aware that it’s the only thing you can do to not go insane with boredom. Evan seemed to have hit the lowest point in his life, it was his sixteenth birthday tomorrow and he had no friends to celebrate it with. He hadn’t even had a proper teenage experience of going out with girls and having fun at parties and drinking alcohol and just generally being reckless and social. He felt as if he had shackles around his ankles the kept him rooted to one spot, trapped in a corner of anxiety far way from everyone else. He hated that he couldn’t even have a normal conversation with someone without stuttering or making a fool of himself, he hated that he sweated and was a gross loser and was too concerned over all the little mistakes he made. He hated that he was always alone, but also that being alone might just be preferable to being hyperaware of himself around people.

It took Evan a long time to go to bed that night, he felt over emotional but he was too tired to break down and cry. He just stared at the ceiling until his eyes adjusted to the dark and slowly the room got lighter and lighter and he got deeper and deeper into his thoughts until they were spiralling around him and he wasn’t ready to wake up the next morning and move along with his life and face new challenges and responsibilities when he couldn’t even deal with himself. But he did eventually get to sleep and he did wake up the next morning to gentle shaking and his mothers smiling face which almost made him burst out in tears but instead he shakily smiled back. “Morning mum” he said, voice a bit croaky. “Good morning sweetie, happy birthday. Wow! My boy is sixteen.” Heidi laughed and when he sat up they hugged. Right, he was sixteen and he should act like one, no more crying. The morning was actually fun, he spent it with his mother who had taken a day off work even though he said it really wasn’t necessary (“of course it is! What  mother isn’t around when their child turns sixteen? I’m so proud of you though for always being so mature and independent.”) She asked if he was going to Jared’s house and he said maybe he would after he finished work at the park, which she then went to and insisted that they walk around it together. The mother to son bonding was fun until Heidi brought up the subject of therapy again and Evan started sweating because he was so weird and problematic that he needed a fucking therapist to listen to him. “I booked an appointment for you on Friday!” She beamed and Evan nodded unsurely, that was five days away, “great.”

“It’s going to be so good Evan, they’re going to help.”

“Great.”

They continued walking until it was four o’clock and Evan could go home, “you should invite Jared over, I haven’t seen him in ages!”

“Yeah. I’ll send him a text.”

Hey, its my birthday yuo shhould come over.

Sure dude

That was easy. When they got back Jared had just arrived, They ate cake and then opened presents. Presents are usually the highlight of people’s birthdays, but not Evans. He didn’t like the way he had to plaster a smile on his face no matter what he got because he hated to disappoint people when they were trying hard, it just made him really nervous and of course he was grateful for everything he received but he never got presents that made him ecstatic. Jared had gotten him some cds, (which was pleasantly surprising since he didn’t even think Jared remembered his birthday) the only cd he recognised was Cavetown’s ‘Lemonboy’  which he genuinely smiled at because Jared had remembered that he liked listening to them. His mum had gotten him a book on trees and a picture frame. Which was nice although Evan wasn’t sure what he would put in the picture frame yet. Jared left at around eight and Evan went to bed at around nine thirty which was really early but he was so tired. His mum tucked him into bed and told him that she had a lot of work to catch up on and most probably wouldn’t be there for supper the next day; only the usual, Evan told himself he was fine with it.

A little blonde girl came up to Evan the next day in the park, she was sniffling and even though Evan wasn’t good with kids he tried to understand the situation. “Have you lost your mummy?” He asked, bending down slightly to meet her eyes.
“No.” She said, suddenly frowning, “I threw my toy up a tree and I was wondering if you could get it down for me. Pleaase?” She pointed her little arm to an oak tree and indeed a bright pink stuffed dog was lodged in between the branches. Evan wasn’t even going to ask how she managed to get the dog up so high. “Sure” he sighed, and approached the oak. It seemed easy enough to climb up, if he just put his foot on a stable branch then yeah- piece of cake. The little girl just stood underneath the shade of the tree and looked at him, obviously amused. Little children really do take the cheek, make the most of it before you grow up. He steadily placed his foot in a dip in the tree-trunk and heaved himself up, a thick branch supporting his hands. Evan attempted to even out his body weight to make the climbing easier. When he was a good way off the ground he looked down, his heart beat furiously in his chest from being up so high. He could feel adrenaline coursing through his veins from balancing precariously on a branch; the deep thumping of his heart resonated from his chest to the tips of his fingers, which trembled with apprehension but also excitement as he reached for the stuffed toy. The girl who was watching him cheered, and once he had clambered down she thanked him and ran off to play. By then his racing heartbeat had slowed considerably but he being up so high in the tree had given him a taste of freedom, a dangerous sensation had flooded him and he found it almost addictive. He checked the time and it was 3:50, he only had ten minutes left so he headed back to the central building so he could then head home.

The next two days were dreary and meaningless; it felt like such a chore getting up in the mornings and then walking around aimlessly in the park, to top it all of he walked into a door on his way into the park building and someone laughed at him (which he understood because if he saw some clumsy boy walk straight into a door he would’ve laughed too, but it didn’t help the burning of his cheeks and the feeling of mortification.) Then, when he went into a shop to buy something to drink his hands started shaking and he dropped his change and started stuttering out “s-sorry” and then he had to bend down and look for his stupid 20 cents while his mind screamed abort mission and the lady behind the till looked so unamused and weirded out when he hurriedly dropped the money onto the surface of the till-table and grabbed his water because why is he such a fuck up?

Evan ended up dreading all kinds of human interaction and with school only two and a half weeks away he couldn’t drown out the incessant negative voices in his head reminding him that things would never change for him. He knew he couldn’t go on and he didn’t want to. So on a dreary Wednesday he was back at Elison park, no one was around (not that it was a particularly busy park anyway) and he was stood underneath a magnificent large tree, a white oak. Without thinking he began to recklessly climbing it, heaving himself up the branches until his breathing had become erratic from the exercise but also from fear. The ground was metres below him, and his mind was swimming with anxiety but also excitement, his eyes were fixed to the ground because at that moment he wasn’t even afraid of falling. Despite his mind being seemingly unafraid his body betrayed him with fingers that were trembling and clasping the branch above him for dear life; he leaned back against the tree bark and exhaled, carefully removing one of his hands from the branch but then immediately putting it back. Coward; he hated his life and yet couldn’t bear to part with it, the thrill he got from being so high was clouding his rational thoughts and judgement, his mother might despair at his death but at least he wouldn’t be a burden to her anymore. No- that was stupid, she loved him, Evan knew this. Would he stop being so stupid and overdramatic?

Or was he just convincing himself now to not let go? Was he really prepared for these to be his last moments? He was a waste of space, he knew for a fact that he was unimportant and that virtually no one would miss him, he literally had no purpose. None at all, he wasn’t good at anything -hell he couldn’t even talk to people- and his situation was so bad he was going to be referred to a psychiatrist and he knew he would never get anywhere in life or have any form of social life and he was prepared to just let everything go and be selfish for once. It’s not like he would be alive to witness the consequences of his death (if there really were any.)

His grip was getting looser and looser, maybe because sweat had started to slick his palms and so they couldn’t grip onto the branches. He hadn’t adjusted his body weight evenly and he simply slipped off. In a split second his heart jumped to his throat and he screamed, arms flailing uselessly in the air, with a loud thwack his left arm hit a branch underneath him; he felt an excruciating explosion of pain and then he was lying on the grass, very much alive. His head was ringing and the more seconds passed the more time he had to process everything and the pain caught up with him in an awful flood that made him feel sick. His arm was burning and of course he couldn’t even successfully kill himself, this was a disaster. He just lay there, tears flowed down his cheeks while he whimpered pitifully; he had to move and get to a hospital because no one would find him. Staring up at the grey clouds he realised that no matter how much he wanted for someone right now to hold him, help him up and whisper reassuring words to him it wouldn’t happen, he would have to save himself.