Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

We Are Number One

<redhead> logged on

redhead: @all

redhead: i found this kid in the market

dont_vex_me: were not adopting a kid bryn get ur shit together

redhead: ...okay maybe kid isn't the right word

redhead: anyway i got her to steal the ring from madesi's strongbox

dont_vex_me: are u sure this isnt an actual legit child

dont_vex_me: because i could pull off that shit in my fkn sleep

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: didn't you mean to say...

dont_vex_me: fkn dont delvin

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: it would be child's play?

dont_vex_me: i will fkn stab you

redhead: ...this lass also planted it on brand-shei. successfully

dont_vex_me: so

redhead: so i invited her to join the guild

redhead: she makes it through the ratway, she's in

dont_vex_me: thats it

dont_vex_me: dont you have to get permission from mercer or something

redhead: why do you think i'm posting in here?

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: you do know he has notifications off right

redhead: fuck really

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: he always has notifications off Bryn

redhead: how about direct notifications?

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: those can't be turned off.

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: you know this.

redhead: aight

redhead: @MercerTheFrey can i let this new kid into the guild

<MercerTheFrey> logged on

MercerTheFrey: No.

<MercerTheFrey> logged off

redhead:

redhead: are you shitting me

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: the Guildmaster has spoken.

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: sorry Bryn.

redhead: ok but none of you get it

redhead: the lass is a natural thief

redhead: @MercerTheFrey what if I sent her to Goldenglow and she succeeded

<MercerTheFrey> logged on

MercerTheFrey: She's not going to succeed.

MercerTheFrey: But on the off chance this mysterious protege of yours does, in fact, succeed?

MercerTheFrey: Yes.

<MercerTheFrey> logged off

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Bryn.

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: you just sent this girl to her death.

redhead: no i didnt

dont_vex_me: bitch i barely made it out alive how is some kid going to pull off fkn goldenglow

redhead: i'll give her the details and see what she thinks

redhead: if she doesn't think she can do it she can walk away

redhead: i think she can do it tho

dont_vex_me: u kno what i think delvin

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: probably, what?

dont_vex_me: i think bryn has a crush

dont_vex_me: its fkn adorable

redhead: fuck you no I don't

Chapter Text

Companions of Jorrvaskr

<The_Huntress> logged on

<FARKLE> logged on

<ikilledabearyesterday> logged on

The_Huntress: yo we killed the giant

The_Huntress: ria nearly died but thats normal

ikilledabearyesterday: HEY!

badass: This is true

ikilledabearyesterday: VILKAS WTF I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

badass: You thought wrong

FARKLE: also some kid helped us too

The_Huntress: oh yeah, not all that impressive but she did have courage

The_Huntress: i told her to come to Jorrvaskr if she was interested

The_Huntress: maybe have Kodlak take a look at her or something

LoneWolf: wow you were that impressed?

LoneWolf: i wont be

The_Huntress: fuck off Skjor that's Kodlak's decision

maneofwhite: My decision right now is to take a nap.

maneofwhite: I’m turning my notifications off for the moment.

maneofwhite: Don't interrupt me.

badass: But I need to talk to you asap

maneofwhite: Is it more important than my nap?

badass: Yes

maneofwhite: Ugh, fine. Get down here before I fall asleep.

<maneofwhite> logged off

Chapter Text

Y’all Need Sithis

the.astrid: ok so one last thing before I add Cicero

the.astrid: he is fucking insane and that’s by our standards

the.astrid: so try not to piss him off I’d like to keep all of you in one piece

wolfy: Astrid, I think I can handle a lunatic

the.astrid: oh I know you can

the.astrid: but it gets worse

FutureVision: he sent nudes?

the.astrid: no thank Sithis

the.astrid: I bet his dick is tiny

BABS: hOLY SHIT ASTRID

wolfy: This is why I married you <3

shadowScale: fucking rOASTED

the.astrid: he sent selfies

the.astrid:  hi!!!!!!!!!.jpg

the.astrid: make sure you’re not drinking anything when you look at it

x_WIZARD_x: Is that… a jester costume?

the.astrid: yep

x_WIZARD_x: By Sithis, he has no taste.

FutureVision: agreed.

FutureVision: Lis agrees too, if anyone was wondering.

wolfy: I can see why

wolfy: This is almost sad

BABS: well idk… aren’t you all being just a little bit unfair?

wolfy: No

BABS: true, he does spend all his time around a dead body…

BABS: willingly! Haha

shadowScale: ok but real talk, how small do you think his dick is

the.astrid: fucking microscopic

the.astrid: wait

the.astrid: do Argonians have dicks

shadowScale: wanna find out? ;)

the.astrid:

wolfy:

shadowScale: IM KIDDING IM KIDDING PLEASE DONT KILL ME

<Sands_of_the_Alik’r> logged on

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: ...I should probably scroll up shouldn’t I

BABS: ye

the.astrid: yeah you know what I’m not adding Cicero today I don’t have the patience

the.astrid: so Nazir how did the orphanage contract go

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Terrible, someone else got the old hag before I could

the.astrid: WHAT

BABS: lol are they trying to get killed or something?

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: I got the false assassin’s information if you feel like teaching her a lesson

the.astrid: hm

the.astrid: tempting

BABS: wait guys, we could recruit her!

the.astrid: true that

the.astrid: ok so I could teach this wannabe assassin a lesson

the.astrid: or I could recruit her

the.astrid: I’m gonna do both brb

<the.astrid> logged off

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: ...and she’s gone

Chapter Text

Class of ‘201

The_Only_Nord: so is anyone else going to Tolfdir’s lecture today or…?

meow: lol nah just u

The_Only_Nord: fuck.

meow: kidding, j’zargo is going

meow: @ConjurationYes u awake

<ConjurationYes> logged on

ConjurationYes: Awake and waiting for you in the Hall of Elements

ConjurationYes: You two should hurry, I can only stall Tolfdir for so long

meow: fuck ok j’zargo is coming

The_Only_Nord: me too!

ConjurationYes: ...quick question

ConjurationYes: Which one of you was that crashing noise

The_Only_Nord: J’zargo.

meow: j’zargo

meow: this one might be a moment

ConjurationYes: Dammit J’zargo even Onmund’s here

meow: so is this one

<The_Only_Nord> logged off

<ConjurationYes> logged off

meow: no really j’zargo is here

<meow> logged off

Chapter Text

Lost: Cynric’s Pants

<redhead> logged on

redhead: do I want to know what’s going on here

Jewel_Thief: probably not

redhead: aight

redhead: anyway @all we have a new guild member

<redhead> added <TheLegend27> to [Lost: Cynric’s Pants]

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: hi

Marksman: I’m not impressed

TheLegend27: i did the goldenglow job

dont_vex_me: wut

dont_vex_me: fkn how

TheLegend27: mostly luck tbh

Marksman: I’m still not impressed

Jewel_Thief: fuck off Niruin nobody asked you

Marksman: Ladies first

Jewel_Thief: go die in a skeever-hole

TheLegend27: um two questions

redhead: ye?

TheLegend27: who is cynric and are his pants the ones someone stuffed inside the adept-locked chest in the training room

redhead: @jailbreak scroll up

<jailbreak> logged on

jailbreak: mY PANTS

jailbreak: HOLY SHIT HOW DID THEY GET THERE

Chatroom renamed to [Found: Cynric’s Pants]

TheLegend27: idk but it wasnt me i just got here

dont_vex_me: i have better things to do than steal ur pants

Jewel_Thief: agreed

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: I didn’t know my name was things

Jewel_Thief: disagreed

dont_vex_me : delvin i have a lockpick in my hand rn dont fkn make me walk over there and stab you with it

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: weird kink, but ok.

dont_vex_me: thats it im fkn done

<dont_vex_me> logged off

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: oh FUCK

<xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx> logged off

redhead: @TheLegend27 a word of advice, lass: do yourself a favor and ignore the unholy screaming coming from the Flagon. they’ll work things out eventually.

TheLegend27: does this happen a lot

Jewel_Thief: do I steal a lot of jewelry?

redhead: that’s a yes to both

Chapter Text

Werewolves All Are We

<maneofwhite> logged on

maneofwhite: Who renamed the chatroom again.

maneofwhite: @all

badass: Not me

badass: Don’t think it was Farkas either, but he’s still off with the whelp on their trial

maneofwhite: …

maneofwhite: @The_Huntress @LoneWolf

<LoneWolf> logged on

LoneWolf: it was aela

<The_Huntress> logged on

The_Huntress: lies! also fuck you

maneofwhite: You know what, I don’t even care anymore.

<maneofwhite> logged off

LoneWolf: ok but seriously it wasnt me

The_Huntress: it wasn’t me either, Skjor!

badass: ;)

<badass> logged off

The_Huntress: this is why he never gets laid

Chatroom renamed to [The Circle]

 New Chatroom 178296

<maneofwhite> created a new chatroom

Chatroom renamed to [Sane People]

<maneofwhite> added <badass>

<maneofwhite> added <FARKLE>

<badass> logged on

badass: You do know it wasn’t actually either of them, right

maneofwhite: ...how do you know that?

badass: It was Farkas

maneofwhite: Oh, good. He finally figured it out.

badass: Um yes he did

badass: So… any luck with the cure or what

maneofwhite: Yes, actually. We’ve still got a long way to go, but there is a cure.

maneofwhite: We’ll see Sovngarde yet, my boy.

badass: Great

<FARKLE> logged on

badass: What’s up

FARKLE: the silver hand were there

maneofwhite: What? They shouldn’t have known!

badass: Agreed

badass: Are you okay

FARKLE: uh yes but

badass: But

FARKLE: i had to shift in front of our newest shield-sister

FARKLE: she took it remarkably well

badass: Gods damn it Farkas, you had one job

badass: One job

FARKLE: i didnt shift because i had a choice

maneofwhite: Enough about that. As long as she keeps it a secret, we should be fine.

maneofwhite: Am I to assume she behaved honorably on her trial?

FARKLE: yeah she did good

maneofwhite: Good. Both of you, meet me out back with her.

maneofwhite: It’s time she became a full Companion.

<maneofwhite> logged off

Chapter Text

Y’all Need Sithis

<the.astrid> logged on

<the.astrid> added <TheLegend27> to [Y’all Need Sithis]

the.astrid: this is the new kid so be nice

the.astrid: or don’t

the.astrid: I don’t really care

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: hi

BABS: hello! Are you on your way yet

TheLegend27: on my way yes

TheLegend27: might be lost

BABS: you need someone to come find you or something?

TheLegend27: nope this is fine

TheLegend27: wait yeah i found the door

TheLegend27: @the.astrid what was the password again

the.astrid: …

the.astrid: I’m having second thoughts

TheLegend27: wait nvm i remembered

TheLegend27: so where is everyone

the.astrid: I was talking with Babette from my room

TheLegend27: whos babette

BABS: *cough* me *cough*

BABS: and yes the kid is supposed to be here, she’s me. Hello

TheLegend27: fuckin sweet are you a vampire or something

BABS: actually yes

BABS: problem?

TheLegend27: nope vampires are great

the.astrid: unfortunately none of the others will be getting back for some time

BABS: arnbjorn probably’ll be getting back first seeing as he had a contract pretty close by

TheLegend27: whos arnbjorn

the.astrid: my husband

BABS: her husband

TheLegend27: you have a husband

TheLegend27: i thought you were gay

the.astrid: what

BABS: PFFT SITHIS IS THIS GONNA BE GOOD

the.astrid: um no

the.astrid: not that I’m against pretending to be when it’s beneficial

the.astrid: and Babette be quiet

BABS: lol nah

TheLegend27: ok noted

TheLegend27: that explains all the flirting

BABS: lol what

BABS: astrid!!!

the.astrid: what

BABS: nothing :]

the.astrid: as I said I’m not against pretending to be when it’s beneficial

BABS: haha alright

<BABS> logged off

 Private Conversation between <BABS> and <TheLegend27>

BABS: hi me again, and while Astrid clearly isn’t gay, she certainly isn’t straight either :]

BABS: I’ve caught her reading copies of The Lusty Argonian Maid on multiple occasions

BABS: The Lusty Argonian Maid

TheLegend27: and

BABS: THE LUSTY ARGONIAN MAID

TheLegend27: i mean its a good book

BABS: ok, i just lost all respect for you, not that i had much or really any in the first place

BABS: grownups are fucking disgusting

TheLegend27: i wont argue with that

TheLegend27: but any reason youre telling me this

BABS: everyone else is killing people and I’m bored :(

TheLegend27: hi bored im tired

BABS: ...you didn’t.

TheLegend27: well i am actually really fucking tired i havent slept in days

TheLegend27: is there anywhere i can go pass out where i wont get stabbed

BABS: if the bed has anything personal nearby, don’t sleep in it.

BABS: otherwise good luck

TheLegend27: does a frostbite spider count as personal

BABS: yep, that’s Lis.

Chapter Text

College Main Chat

Light_It_Up: gods I hate gatekeeper duty

Light_It_Up: @Mira-Bell there’s a new apprentice coming through I sent her your way

<Mira-Bell> logged on

Mira-Bell: Another one? Huh

Light_It_Up: don’t you just love it when we get no new apprentices for months on end and then four show up within days of each other

Mira-Bell: Yes

Mira-Bell: I’m guessing the new student is the confused-looking girl in some sort of armor

Mira-Bell: I don’t recognize the armor

Light_It_Up: that would be her

Mira-Bell: Alright, give me a moment

<Mira-Bell> logged off

Light_It_Up: and back to gatekeeper duty it is

Light_It_Up: how delightful

invisibleman: @all can someone help me with something?

Light_It_Up: yes please im on my way

Light_It_Up: where are you actually

invisibleman: hall of countenance.

Light_It_Up: ok

Light_It_Up: seriously drevis where are you

invisibleman: :O IT WORKED!

Light_It_Up: wait there you are

invisibleman: :’(

Light_It_Up: wait

Light_It_Up: you look different

invisibleman: really? how so?

Light_It_Up: um

Light_It_Up: @Mira-Bell drevis turned his arms invisible but the rest of him is still very visible

<Mira-Bell> logged on

Mira-Bell: Oh dear

invisibleman: what? Faralda!

Light_It_Up: how in oblivion did you not notice that your arms are invisible

invisibleman: excuse you I did notice that my arms are invisible!

invisibleman: I just… thought that the rest of me was invisible too.

Mira-Bell: Before we panic: Drevis, can you dispel it or not

invisibleman: certainly, just a moment.

Light_It_Up: it doesnt look very dispelled to me

invisibleman: IT’S NOT DISPELLING D:

Mira-Bell: Wonderful

Mira-Bell: @YouNeedHealing Colette, we might need your expertise

invisibleman: on second thought, I’m fine!

Light_It_Up: i just watched you smack your arms into the wall you are not fine

<YouNeedHealing> logged in

YouNeedHealing: Well. This is a situation.

<invisibleman> logged off

Light_It_Up: update hes crying in the corner

Light_It_Up: @invisibleman burying your face in your hands doesnt work when your arms are invisible your hands are invisible too

Mira-Bell: Faralda, tell him to try waiting, to see if it wears off naturally

Mira-Bell: I’ll see if the Arch-Mage has any insight into this

<Mira-Bell> logged off

Private Conversation between <Mira-Bell> and <mmmmmagic>

Mira-Bell: Savos, do you by any chance have any experience with disappearing body parts

mmmmmagic: Ah, no. Sorry.

mmmmmagic: Anything I should know about?

Mira-Bell: Not yet, I don’t think. I’ll let you know if it escalates

Mira-Bell: Well, actually, Ancano is being a royal pain in the behind, as usual

Mira-Bell: He’s quite lucky you don’t want him incinerated, because most of the College would gladly do so at this point

Mira-Bell: Myself included

mmmmmagic: Oh, I would love to have him incinerated, but I fear the backlash from the Thalmor.

mmmmmagic: It’s only a matter of time until he interferes in something he shouldn’t, and perishes as a result.

Mira-Bell: I wish I shared your optimism

mmmmmagic: Anything else?

Mira-Bell: Yes, actually

Mira-Bell: It took me several tries to get your username right

Mira-Bell: Are you certain there’s no way to change it

mmmmmagic: Positive, I’m afraid.

mmmmmagic: If it helps any, there are five m’s, just like there are five letters in Savos.

Mira-Bell: That… helps a little. Thank you

Mira-Bell: I’d better check on Drevis

mmmmmagic: Ah, he finally succeeded in his invisibility endeavors?

Mira-Bell: Only partially, and last I heard he couldn’t dispel it

mmmmmagic: That does not sound good.

Mira-Bell: Don’t worry, I’ve got it

Mira-Bell: I’ll let you know if the situation changes

<Mira-Bell> logged off

Chapter Text

The Master Race

<Natural_Selection> logged on

Natural_Selection: @ARCANO Report.

<ARCANO> logged on

ARCANO: With every day I spend at this pathetic excuse for a magical institution, I am less and less impressed.

ARCANO: The “Arch-Mage” does nothing but remain in his quarters all day. He is not truly in charge of this College.

Natural_Selection: I cannot say I am surprised, he is a dark elf after all. Who is truly in charge?

ARCANO: Their Master Wizard is Mirabelle Ervine, a Breton who I suspect would pose a significant threat if we moved to secure this College. While their Arch-Mage would not be an issue, this Breton is well-respected here and has significant magical ability for a half-breed.

Natural_Selection: A half-breed? Well respected? This is worse than I thought. Anything else?

ARCANO: Despite their best efforts to conceal it, I have discovered a group chat with the entirety of the College within. I am in the process of gaining access.

Natural_Selection: Continue doing so. You are dismissed.

<ARCANO> logged off

Natural_Selection: @interrogator Report.

<interrogator> logged on

interrogator: The thief has not broken yet, although I am quite confident he will soon.

interrogator: What are your orders for when he does?

Natural_Selection: Once you have ensured he has nothing left to give us: eliminate him.

interrogator: I, ah… are you certain?

Natural_Selection: Are you questioning my judgment, Third Emissary? This is a half-breed we are referring to.

interrogator: No, ma’am. It shall be done.

Natural_Selection: Dismissed.

<interrogator> logged off

Natural_Selection: @JusticiarOndolemar Report.

<JusticiarOndolemar> logged on

JusticiarOndolemar: As it happens, it’s remarkably easy to catch visiting Talos worshippers when there is an open Shrine of Talos.

Natural_Selection: Really? They don't even ask the locals?

JusticiarOndolemar: The locals know better, now that we’ve finally arrested that old skald for attempting to. That, and he was a Talos worshipper himself.

Natural_Selection: How surprising. Now, are you almost here?

JusticiarOndolemar: Not quite yet. Due to some inclement weather, our patrol was forced to stop overnight in Dragon Bridge. The locals are understandably wary. I suspect Talos worship.

Natural_Selection: I’ll send someone to look into that within the week. Will you be here in time for the party?

JusticiarOndolemar: Yes. Remind me why this… party is necessary?

Natural_Selection: I'll choose to ignore your insubordination this time, although I will not be so lenient again. It is a way of reminding the Empire that it is us in charge, and that we will win the next war. Understood?

JusticiarOndolemar: Understood. On a different note, the rain outside has stopped, and I believe we can reach the Embassy before sunset if we leave now. Permission to do so?

Natural_Selection: Permission granted. Dismissed.

<JusticiarOndolemar> logged off

<Natural_Selection> logged off

Chapter Text

Taking Bets On How Fucked Delvin Is On A Scale Of Literal To Stabbed With A Pick In The Dick

<redhead> logged on

redhead: two things.

redhead: first

redhead: why did i think giving all of you chatroom naming privileges was a good idea?

redhead: second

redhead: who’s taking bets?

RUNE: me

redhead: beware the quiet ones i see

TheLegend27: oh hey look what i found and definitely didnt steal from delvin

TheLegend27:  warning.jpg

redhead: well lass, you still can’t lie for shit but you’ve got balls.

redhead: metaphorically speaking.

TheLegend27: i was wondering

TheLegend27: and anyway i didnt actually steal it i left it right where he left it and took a picture

RUNE: you do realize i might have to start taking bets on how fucked you are next, right

TheLegend27: pssssh itll be fine

TheLegend27: anyway rune ill put ten septims on pick in the dick

redhead: same.

RUNE: alright, come by at some point to put down said septims

redhead: i’ll be right there

TheLegend27: can i give them to you tomorrow morning im out on a job in markarth

TheLegend27: markarth sucks by the way

RUNE: nobody’s arguing that

RUNE: cynric could go on for days about cidhna mine

RUNE: and has

<dontvexme> logged on

RUNE: and that’s my cue to leave

<RUNE> logged off

dontvexme: im not sure whether to laugh or stab someone

redhead: how about neither for now

redhead: but have you stabbed delvin with a pick in the dick yet or no?

dontvexme: no

TheLegend27: my septims

TheLegend27: noooooo

dontvexme: not yet

dontvexme: ill gladly do so if i can actually find the man

<xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx> logged on

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Vex why

dontvexme: scroll up

dontvexme: new kid found the warning

dontvexme: now if you can stay well out of my way for the next couple days i might reconsider

TheLegend27: please dont i have ten septims on you stabbing him in the pick with a dick

TheLegend27: i mean stabbing him in the dick with a pick

TheLegend27: ughhh

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Personally I'd rather have neither

TheLegend27: id rather have pick in the dick i have money on that

TheLegend27: nothing personal tho

redhead: lass, you have no shame. at all.

TheLegend27: well yeah

TheLegend27: youre just now figuring this out

<MercerTheFrey> logged on

MercerTheFrey: ...

redhead: so I know this doesnt look good

MercerTheFrey: Save it.

MercerTheFrey: Fifty on stabbed with a pick in the dick.

<MercerTheFrey> logged off

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Oh come on

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Does no one have faith in my romancing ability

dontvexme: nope

Chapter Text

Ria, We Know You Killed A Bear Yesterday

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: isnt that her username

badass: Yes, unfortunately

The_Huntress: we killed one on the way back to jorrvaskr yesterday and she hasn’t shut up since

TheLegend27: rip

<ikilledabearyesterday> logged on

badass: Oh no

The_Huntress: end me now plz

badass: Gladly

The_Huntress: i wasn't talking to you bitch

ikilledabearyesterday: hey @TheLegend27 I killed a bear yesterday

badass: Oh gods here she goes again

TheLegend27: dont worry i got this

ikilledabearyesterday: did you kill anything?

TheLegend27: i killed a dragon

The_Huntress: you what now

TheLegend27: a dragon

TheLegend27: i killed it

badass: You’re the Dragonborn

TheLegend27: well yeah

TheLegend27: i thought this had already been established

The_Huntress: no but im really not surprised

badass: Honestly, me neither

TheLegend27: but yeah i killed a dragon yesterday

The_Huntress: niiiiiice

TheLegend27: it was trying to eat me as usual

TheLegend27: @ikilledabearyesterday you still here or no

<stone-arm> logged on

stone-arm: thought you all might like to know that Ria is currently staring at her phone in shock

<ikilledabearyesterday> logged off

stone-arm: and she dropped it

badass: I probably should be sympathetic but I’m really not

badass: She did kinda have this coming

The_Huntress: lol since when have you ever been sympathetic Vilkas

badass: When have I not been

The_Huntress: the time you changed the name of the circle group chat and blamed Skjor and i

The_Huntress: the time you took one look at the dragonborn here and decided she looked like a milk-drinker because she happened to prefer a bow

TheLegend27: bows are great

The_Huntress: a-fucking-greed

The_Huntress: would you like me to continue

<badass> logged off

The_Huntress: thats a no

stone-arm: i should really log on more often this is great

The_Huntress: fuck yeah girls club

TheLegend27: what about ria

The_Huntress: she can come if she doesn’t go on about how she killed a bear yesterday

Private Conversation between [ikilledabearyesterday] and [badass]

ikilledabearyesterday: can you change my username?

badass: Don't you think that if I could have, I would have changed my brother's

ikilledabearyesterday: ...fuck

badass: So yeah you're stuck with it. Have fun

<badass> logged off

ikilledabearyesterday: FUCK

Chapter Text

The Dark Brotherhood Forever

TheLegend27: so was it really necessary to make an entirely new chatroom for the new guy

TheLegend27: he cant be that bad can he

the.astrid: you haven't seen his selfies

TheLegend27: theyre that bad

wolfy: yes

x_WIZARD_x: He has no taste in dress, let's put it that way.

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: He’s a jester

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Do I really have to explain why I don't like him

TheLegend27: i know you hate jesters

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Good. You’re learning

TheLegend27: btw i did the narfi contract on my way to do the ennodius papius one

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Congratulations, you killed an emaciated beggar in cold blood

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Truly, you are an opponent to be feared

BABS: lol, savage

TheLegend27: i did say im on my way to do the other ones right

the.astrid: you did

the.astrid: anyway I’m still not sure if Cicero will be able to see past messages when I add him so I’m going to make another chatroom

the.astrid: again

the.astrid: he’s arriving tomorrow so unfortunately I can't procrastinate this anymore

the.astrid: for the love of Sithis don't say anything until I've added everyone

<the.astrid> logged off

TheLegend27: wait his names cicero

FutureVision: ye.

TheLegend27: and hes wearing a jester costume

wolfy:  hi!!!!!!!!!.jpg

TheLegend27: well fuck he might want to stab me

New Chatroom 178307

<the.astrid> created a new chatroom

Chatroom renamed to [Hail Sithis]

<the.astrid> added <wolfy>

<wolfy> logged on

<the.astrid> added <Sands_of_the_Alik’r>

<the.astrid> added <BABS>

<BABS> logged on

<Sands_of_the_Alik'r> logged on

<the.astrid> added <FutureVision>

<the.astrid> added <x_WIZARD_x>

<x_WIZARD_x> logged on

<the.astrid> added <shadowScale>

<the.astrid> added <TheLegend27>

the.astrid: let’s do this

<the.astrid> added <stabbystab>

<stabbystab> logged on

stabbystab: hi!!!!! Cicero is pleased to meet you all!!!! :D

the.astrid: @all get in here dammit

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: um hi

TheLegend27: look im really sorry about what went down at the loreius farm but i needed them dead and i couldnt kill them myself

stabbystab: ...well. no hard feelings here!!! Cicero understands, you did what you had to!!!!

the.astrid: wait, you two know each other

TheLegend27: does accidentally reporting someone to the local guard count as knowing them

stabbystab: Cicero thinks so!!!

TheLegend27: then yes

TheLegend27: really sorry about that btw

stabbystab: ;)

the.astrid: how the fuck do you do that accidentally

TheLegend27: this was one of my several failed attempts to get you guys to recruit me ok

the.astrid: seriously

TheLegend27: well what was i supposed to do

TheLegend27: there isnt exactly a manual for how to join the dark brotherhood going around

TheLegend27: or if there is i never found it

x_WIZARD_x: There isn’t one.

TheLegend27: ok good

TheLegend27: wait we should make one

wolfy: Why though

BABS: y not tho?

stabbystab: Cicero thinks a manual on how to join the Brotherhood would be a great idea!!!

TheLegend27: step one steal one of their contracts

the.astrid: dammit no, that's how you get yourself killed

the.astrid: do you realize how close we were to just offing you ourselves

TheLegend27: no

the.astrid: this is going to be a long night

Chapter Text

Winterhold Faculty & Staff

Mira-Bell: @all So, remember to not post in the main chat unless absolutely necessary. You all know why

<Questionable> logged on

Questionable: yep, ancano the thalmor bitch

Mira-Bell: While your language is not appreciated, Enthir, the sentiment I can agree with

Questionable: i know im

Questionable: <<<

Mira-Bell: Enthir, please

Questionable: hey mirabelle can i have permission to post in the main chat to mess with the thalmor bitch

Mira-Bell: If I say no, you’re going to do it regardless

Mira-Bell: So no

Questionable: imma do it anyway

Mira-Bell: However, just between you and me, your punishment will be significantly more lenient than if you were caught doing anything else

Questionable: sweet

Questionable: bye

<Questionable> logged off

mmmmmagic: This is going to be good.

Mira-Bell: ...Savos, you really aren’t supposed to be encouraging this kind of behavior

mmmmmagic: Who said I was encouraging it?

Mira-Bell: Never mind

mmmmmagic: If you’re interested, I have sweetrolls.

Mira-Bell: You… always have sweetrolls

mmmmmagic: We could eat them while we watch what Enthir gets up to?

Mira-Bell: Okay…? What are you getting at

mmmmmagic: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Mira-Bell: Oh. Alright. That was a little unnecessary, but I’m on my way

<Mira-Bell> logged off

<mmmmmagic> logged off

Light_It_Up: dont you just love it when they forget theyre in a group chat

invisibleman: yep.

Light_It_Up: drevis quick question

Light_It_Up: are your arms still invisible

invisibleman: ...maybe.

College Main Chat

<Questionable> logged on

Questionable: @ARCANO waddup my hot piece of altmer meat

ARCANO: ...what is the meaning of this?

Questionable: i want to do things to you that you wont want to report back ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Questionable: i want you to put the high in high elf

Questionable: and in me

Questionable: especially in me i want that hot altmer dick in my nether regions

ARCANO: Who is this???

Questionable: the one from your erotic wet dreams

ARCANO: Stop this. Now.

ARCANO: I don’t have erotic wet dreams.

Questionable: everyone has erotic wet dreams

Questionable: even @Mira-Bell has erotic wet dreams

Mira-Bell: Don’t bring me into this

ARCANO: I demand you remove this… this imbecile at once!

Mira-Bell: I’m afraid your level of access does not extend to ordering me or any other member of the College around

ARCANO: SHE IS HARASSING ME.

Mira-Bell: She? You might be mistaken

Questionable: um yeah no

ARCANO: REMOVE HIM AT ONCE.

Mira-Bell: I’m sorry, but it’s not my business as Master WIzard what members of the College get up to in their free time, or in this chatroom

Questionable: lol

ARCANO: YOU’RE RIGHT HERE.

Mira-Bell: Actually, I’m afraid my signal is breaking up

Mira-Bell: It looks like I conveniently won’t be able to post anything for several hours but will just be forced to watch and suffer in agony

Mira-Bell: What a tragedy

ARCANO: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Questionable: wanna pick up where we left off, hot stuff

ARCANO: I AM A THALMOR JUSTICIAR, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY I DO NOT BOTHER MYSELF WITH RELATIONSHIPS OF ANY KIND.

Questionable: oh so ure shutting me down because i’m gay

Questionable: homophobe

ARCANO: NO! I JUST SAID WHY.

Questionable: i see where this is going

Questionable: shame on u

Questionable: how could u not want some of this hot bosmer dick

ARCANO: I WOULD RATHER FUCK MIRABELLE THAN YOU!

mmmmmagic: Really.

mmmmmagic: I would choose your next words very carefully if I were you.

<TheLegend27> logged on

<meow> logged on

<ConjurationYes> logged on

<The_Only_Nord> logged on

TheLegend27: hey we all survived saarthal

The_Only_Nord: holy shit, what did we miss?

ConjurationYes: We missed the fun stuff

ARCANO: I WAS AND AM BEING HARASSED HOW WAS THIS FUN STUFF???

meow: @Questionable j’zargo’s respect for u just dramatically increased

Questionable: glad i could be of service ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

meow: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Questionable: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ConjurationYes: Don’t fucking start

meow: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Questionable: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

The_Only_Nord: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) mine too

ConjurationYes: Dammit, you too? I didn’t get enough sleep for this shit

TheLegend27: oh btw @mmmmmagic tolfdir and i found some weird orb thing underneath saarthal

TheLegend27: he stayed behind to stare at it i shit you not

mmmmmagic: Hm. Interesting. That does sound like Tolfdir.

<Mira-Bell> logged off

Winterhold Faculty & Staff

<Mira-Bell> logged on

Mira-Bell: @myalembic What exactly did you find

<myalembic> logged on

myalembic: would you believe me if I said I had no clue?

Mira-Bell: Yes

Chapter Text

Skyrim Sucks

<ARCANO> logged on

ARCANO: @all I hate this College.

<JusticiarOndolemar> logged on

JusticiarOndolemar: You think that’s bad? Try Markarth.

JusticarOndolemar: It was built by the Dwemer.

ARCANO: Good point. However, I sincerely doubt the Dwemer have sent a gay Bosmer to mess with you every single time you so much as log in to their group chat.

JusticiarOndolemar: ...what happened?

ARCANO: Exactly what I just said.

ARCANO: How’s the Embassy?

JusticiarOndolemar: Not great. You heard what happened. Rulindil was killed, and he wasn’t the only one. While I personally did not see anything, I did see the aftermath.

ARCANO: Wait, Rulindil DIED?

ARCANO: @interrogator You're not dead, right? Please log on...

JusticiarOndolemar: Did I stutter? Yes. He died. No point in tagging him.

ARCANO:  How? When? What happened?

JusticiarOndolemar: You mean Elenwen didn’t bitch at you about it, too?

ARCANO: Not at me. I’m all the way in Winterhold, unfortunately.

JusticiarOndolemar: Not unfortunately. You were lucky to miss it. A Blades agent somehow got an invitation to Elenwen’s party, got into the Embassy, slaughtered every one of us in her path, and escaped with valuable intelligence.

ARCANO: Wait… so how did you survive if the Blade slaughtered everyone in her path?

JusticiarOndolemar: I was at the party, remember? The Blade only slaughtered everyone behind the scenes, minus the prisoners she freed and a former employee working with her. Wood elf.

ARCANO: And you have no idea who this even was?

ARCANO: Ondolemar?

JusticiarOndolemar: No, unfortunately. My apologies for the delay, a citizen just had the bright idea to attempt flirting with me. Charmed, but no thank you.

ARCANO: What is it with Skyrim and flirting? You should see some of the things this damned Bosmer has said!

JusticiarOndolemar: That bad, huh?

ARCANO: He said, and I quote, that “he was the one from my erotic wet dreams.”

JusticiarOndolemar: You have erotic wet dreams?

ARCANO: NO!

ARCANO: AND IF I DID, THIS DAMNED BOSMER WOULDN’T BE IN THEM!

JusticiarOndolemar: Touchy subject, I see, but understood.

JusticiarOndolemar: Say, Ancano. Want to come to Markarth for a change? Root out Talos worshippers, not be up in the freezing north of the freezing north?

ARCANO: And who would be stationed at the College?

JusticiarOndolemar: We could switch places, if you wanted. And if we could get Elenwen to agree.

ARCANO: As tempting as that is, no. Even if Elenwen agreed, which she wouldn’t, this is my job and I must complete it.

JusticiarOndolemar: ...right. What are you doing up there, again?

ARCANO: Ensuring that the College does not pose a threat to the Dominion, and taking or destroying any magical artifacts they might happen to acquire while I am here.

JusticiarOndolemar: Noted. Alright. Good luck with the gay Bosmer.

<JusticiarOndolemar> logged off

ARCANO: DON’T LEAVE ME!

ARCANO: ...oh well. It’s fine. This is fine. I’m fine.

ARCANO: Goodbye, my friend.

<ARCANO> logged off

Chapter Text

(The) Castle (is) Dour

GENERAL: @all any luck recruiting the dragonborn so far

honor: we’re working on it, general

<Just-a-Nord> logged on

Just-a-Nord: I still can’t get over how informal you are in here…

honor: pfft what you thought we were serious all the time

honor: well the general is but he just doesn’t bother with punctuation… or capitalization…

honor: but really, you should see him when he’s drunk.

Just-a-Nord: um.

GENERAL: rikke

honor: yes?

GENERAL: i didnt sign off on this chatroom so you could tell every random soldier all my embarrassing secrets

honor: oh i know.

GENERAL: i could send you off on a suicide mission right now

honor: and i could spike your tea with dubiously legal drugs again so we’re even.

Just-a-Nord: um… I might be able to get in touch with the Dragonborn…

honor: really? nice. you know her?

Just-a-Nord: I… know of her. She was at Helgen, and she’s good friends with a lot of the people in my hometown. Including my uncle.

GENERAL: the dragonborn was at helgen

Just-a-Nord: Yes, sir. She was a prisoner. Was not on the list, but the captain decided to execute her regardless.

GENERAL: without any proof

Just-a-Nord: um… yes, sir. The captain in charge at the moment might have believed her to be a Stormcloak spy.

honor: general, the captain in question died at helgen

GENERAL: well if she hadnt i would have her courtmartialed for that

Just-a-Nord: out of curiosity, sir… would you have had her courtmartialed if the prisoner in question wasn’t the Dragonborn?

GENERAL: what do you take me for of course i would have

honor: coughhedoesn’tbelieveinallthisNordnonsenseanywaycough

GENERAL: rikke by the eight

honor: only stating the facts, general. :)

Just-a-Nord: ...I still can’t believe how informal this is. And why is nobody else talking?

honor: haven’t set up their accounts yet?

GENERAL: sounds reasonable

Chapter Text

TALOS YO!

FUSRODIE: @all any luck recruiting the Dragonborn yet?

Fearless: um… i might have run into her in Helgen

FUSRODIE: really? she was at Helgen too?

Fearless: yesss

stone-fist: Question: was anyone NOT at Helgen besides me?

Fearless: i dont think so

FUSRODIE: ...Rikke wasn’t.

stone-fist: And Tullius was? Huh.

Fearless: wait, Rikke? as in the Imperial second-in-command? you knew her?

FUSRODIE: can we not talk about this right now

stone-fist: Aye. She and Ulfric were fucking.

FUSRODIE: Galmar!

stone-fist: What? You two made it obvious.

Fearless: you were fucking the Imperial second-in-command?

FUSRODIE: ...well, she wasn’t the Imperial second-in-command then.

stone-fist: And you could argue that it was her that was fucking Ulfric!

FUSRODIE: GALMAR!

stone-fist: THIS IS PAYBACK FOR ALL THOSE TIMES, ULFRIC.

stone-fist: THE TWO OF YOU WERE SO LOUD NOT EVEN A MUFFLE SPELL WOULD HAVE HELPED.

Fearless: um… weren’t we talking about the Dragonborn

FUSRODIE: YES.

stone-fist: Nah, we’re talking about Ulfric’s complete lack of a love life after the Great War.

stone-fist: Payback. :)

FUSRODIE: GALMAR I SWEAR I WILL SHOUT YOU INTO THE SEA OF GHOSTS.

stone-fist: I can swim. :)

<Fearless> logged off

Private Conversation between <Fearless> and <Just-a-Nord>

Fearless: hey hadvar idk if you changed your username or not

Just-a-Nord: I didn’t. Not even sure if it’s possible.

Fearless: oh. ok.

Just-a-Nord: What the fuck do you want, Ralof?

Fearless: fine no time for pleasantries it is

Just-a-Nord: WE ARE ON DIFFERENT SIDES OF A WAR, RALOF.

Just-a-Nord: FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHAT DO YOU WANT.

Fearless: you know rikke right?

Just-a-Nord: ...kind of. If you mean Legate Rikke.

Fearless: i mean legate rikke

Just-a-Nord: Then yes. Kind of. What of it?

Fearless: she and jarl ulfric were fucking ;)

Just-a-Nord: WHAT

<Fearless> logged off

Just-a-Nord: WHAT THE FUCK

Just-a-Nord: RALOF YOU CAN’T DROP SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND LEAVE

Just-a-Nord: FUCKING WHEN

Just-a-Nord: @Fearless GET BACK IN HERE YOU MILK-DRINKER.

<Fearless> logged on

Fearless: fine, fine, no need to make it personal

Fearless: i didn’t ask when, but i’m assuming during the great war.

Fearless: now if you’ll excuse me i’d like to get back to the stormcloak group chat jarl ulfric just threatened to shout galmar stone-fist into the sea of ghosts if he keeps bringing up rikke

Just-a-Nord: ...I wish I could say the Legion’s group chat was more professional than that.

Fearless: you mean it’s not???

Just-a-Nord: My thoughts exactly. When I left, Legate Rikke was threatening to spike General Tullius’s tea with, and I quote, “dubiously legal drugs”.

Fearless: omfg that’s beautiful

Fearless: well i gotta go

Fearless: see you hadvar

Just-a-Nord: ...you do know this is only going to make it harder when we inevitably meet on the battlefield, right?

Fearless: can’t be any harder than helgen.

<Fearless> logged off

Chapter Text

Petition to Kick Niruin Out (Talk to Sapphire)

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: who the fuck is niruin and why the fuck is he getting kicked out

redhead: he’s not getting kicked out, if we kicked people out on things like that we wouldn’t have anyone, lass

redhead: so how did the honningbrew job go?

TheLegend27: psssh honningbrew who the fuck are they

redhead: guessing that means it went well

TheLegend27: yep although it would have been nice to know that poisoning the whiterun captain of the guard wasn’t going to kill him beforehand

TheLegend27: you have to have a certain frame of mind to kill people and it tends to fuck everything up if you don’t actually kill anyone

TheLegend27: fortunately there was a crazy skeever hobo living in the basement

redhead: fortunately?

Jewel_Thief: “you have to have a certain frame of mind to kill people” girl wtf

Jewel_Thief: also brynjolf it’s only a matter of time until niruin goes the same way karliah did

Marksman: I am right here, bitch.

Marksman: Don’t you dare compare me to her.

TheLegend27: who the fuck is karliah

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: that’s… not an easy topic for any of us, you know.

TheLegend27: i didnt but im still curious who the fuck is karliah

dont_vex_me: she was the bitch that murdered our last guildmaster

TheLegend27: what

dont_vex_me: before my time but i heard a lot about him from the older members

redhead: yes… it’s even worse when you take into account that karliah and gallus were… involved, if you get what i mean.

Jewel_Thief: Brynjolf we’re thieves you can say they were fucking

redhead: fine. they were fucking.

redhead: she murdered gallus, tried to murder mercer, and fled.

<nighteyes> logged on

redhead: speak of the devil

redhead: delvin i thought you removed her

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: I thought you did

nighteyes: look you have to believe me

nighteyes: i

nighteyes: did not

redhead: nice try lass, we know what you did

<nighteyes> was removed from [Petition to Kick Niruin Out (Talk to Sapphire)]

TheLegend27: im guessing that was karliah

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: sure was. fortunately, we won’t have to deal with her anymore.

redhead: wait did we remove her from the other chats

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: I’m pretty sure Mercer did but I’ll check

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Also, speaking of Mercer

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: @TheLegend27 he was looking for you

TheLegend27: well that cant be good but fine ill go find him

<TheLegend27> logged off

Chapter Text

Werewolves All Are We

<The_Huntress> added <TheLegend27> to [Werewolves All Are We]

mane_of_white: Aela, please tell me you didn’t do what I think you did.

The_Huntress: aight I won’t

mane_of_white: Aela…

The_Huntress: anyway it wasn’t me, it was Skjor. I just helped. also dragged our newest werewolf out of the city before shit could happen.

The_Huntress: @TheLegend27 you’re fucking heavy you know

mane_of_white: Language.

The_Huntress: sorry

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: my head hurts so fucking much right now but hey am i a werewolf now

The_Huntress: yeah!

mane_of_white: Yes, unfortunately. Welcome to the curse.

mane_of_white: Also, language.

The_Huntress: look Kodlak we know you want a cure but I don’t! neither does Skjor!

mane_of_white: You’ve told me, at least fifty-three times in the last week. I’ve been counting.

mane_of_white: Not to intrude, but where is Skjor? Is he with you?

The_Huntress: um… we might be right outside a Silver Hand stronghold. and Skjor might have gone in ahead of us. hey @TheLegend27 you want to murder some evil bastards

TheLegend27: fuck yeah

mane_of_white: Aela, just because they’re werewolf hunters does not make them evil.

The_Huntress: they’re basically bandits ok

TheLegend27: that i can see but um aela quick question

The_Huntress: yeah?

TheLegend27: were two feet away from each other why are we talking in the chatroom

The_Huntress: ...good point.

The_Huntress: hey @LoneWolf everything ok in there?

<LoneWolf> logged on

LoneWolf: yeah if you dont hurry i might not leave anything for you guys

mane_of_white: ...you can’t see me but I’m currently giving my phone a very disappointed look.

LoneWolf: were being careful

mane_of_white: That’s not what I’m afraid of.

mane_of_white: Also, stop texting while fighting. Focus on fighting.

LoneWolf: right now im not fighting though

LoneWolf: will be in aaaaaaaaa

LoneWolf: asdjfahs

mane_of_white: ...Skjor, are you alright?

<LoneWolf> logged off

The_Huntress: Skjor???

The_Huntress: fuck.

mane_of_white: I think this should go without saying, but now would be a good time to get in there.

<The_Huntress> logged off

TheLegend27: she just turned into a werewolf and ran inside

TheLegend27: should i be worried

mane_of_white: About her, no, just stay close. About Skjor… I have a bad feeling about this.

TheLegend27: got it

TheLegend27: brb

<TheLegend27> logged off

Companions of Jorrvaskr

<The_Huntress> logged on

The_Huntress: @all ...Skjor’s dead.

ikilledabearyesterday: wait WHAT THE FUCK

<TheLegend27> logged on

<mane_of_white> logged on

mane_of_white: ...I was afraid this might happen.

mane_of_white: @The_Huntress @TheLegend27 Did you at least avenge him?

The_Huntress: who the fuck do you take me for of course we avenged him!

badass: Skjor? you’re sure…?

The_Huntress: YES I’M SURE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SEND YOU A PICTURE OF HIS LIFELESS CORPSE TO PROVE IT

badass: no.

The_Huntress: @mane_of_white i'm sending @TheLegend27 back, i... need some time.

mane_of_white: Take as long as you need, Aela.

The_Huntress: thank you

<The_Huntress> logged off

Chapter Text

Hail Sithis

<the.astrid> logged on

the.astrid: @all who made a manual on how to join us and put it under my bed last night

shadowScale: Arnbjorn, there’s like ten copies

wolfy: Traitor

shadowScale: but seriously nobody else would even go in your room

the.astrid: true…

wolfy: I can burn it

the.astrid: no, i think i’ll keep it, perhaps with a few revisions

shadowScale: how come when I do something I always get in trouble

shadowScale: but when Arnbjorn does something he doesn’t

BABS: because they’re married and they do gross adult things in that room

shadowScale: Babette

shadowScale: Babette you are hundreds of years older than me

BABS: how do you know it’s not thousands? :]

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: oh shit someone actually made that manual

the.astrid: unfortunately, yes

TheLegend27: can i have a copy

the.astrid: definitely not

TheLegend27: aww

FutureVision: so what have you been up to?

TheLegend27: oh right

TheLegend27: finished up my contracts

TheLegend27: and @wolfy you are no longer the only werewolf :)

wolfy: What

TheLegend27: imma werewolf now and its great i can tear people to pieces without being armed

TheLegend27: being naked when you transform back isnt fun but what can you do

BABS: PFFT WHAT

Private Conversation Between <wolfy> and <TheLegend27>

wolfy: Look I don’t know where you got lycanthropy from and I don’t care but can you not

TheLegend27: can i not what

wolfy: Astrid is now concerned that I transform back in the middle of town, which I wouldn’t do anyway, and I obviously love her but can you not spread any more of the specifics

TheLegend27: yeah sure ok

TheLegend27: youre not at all curious where i got it from

wolfy: I’m going to go ahead and guess the Circle

TheLegend27: actually yes

TheLegend27: you were a companion

wolfy: I left a long time ago, and I would never have met Astrid if I hadn’t

wolfy: So I’ll never regret it <3

TheLegend27: thats fair but you do realize im in like a billion things including the companions and the dark brotherhood at the same time

wolfy: You do you, and I’ll do me

TheLegend27: or you might do astrid

wolfy: Yeah, can’t deny that

wolfy: What else are you in

TheLegend27: thieves guild and college of winterhold

TheLegend27: both sides of the civil war are dumb so im joining neither thanks

TheLegend27: but as if those four wasnt enough im also the dragonborn

wolfy: You’re the Dragonborn

TheLegend27: shit i keep forgetting to mention that dont i

TheLegend27: yeah i can shout and shit its great

TheLegend27: like i can demonstrate if you want

wolfy: What the fuck was that

TheLegend27: shout called aura whisper that lets me see people through walls and shit

TheLegend27: babettes making potions and gabriella’s chatting with her

TheLegend27: festus and veezara are passed out

TheLegend27: i dont even want to know what ciceros doing over there

TheLegend27: i cant see nazir hes still out on his contract

TheLegend27: hey wait

TheLegend27: what the fuck are you and astrid doing

TheLegend27: no texting while fucking

wolfy: Says who

wolfy: Anyway she says hello

wolfy: Well actually, she says to stop peeping or she will stab you, but she means hello

TheLegend27: hi astrid

TheLegend27: im gonna go sleep now bye

<TheLegend27> logged off

Chapter Text

Class of ‘201

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: hey @all who wants to go steal some books back for urag

meow: ill come

TheLegend27: jzargo

TheLegend27: jzargo you know i love you but i still havent forgiven you for those scrolls

meow: they werent supposed to explode

TheLegend27: i know but

TheLegend27: @ConjurationYes @The_Only_Nord where are you guys

<ConjurationYes> logged on

ConjurationYes: I can’t come, I promised Arniel I’d take a look at more of his dwarven things and I have so many regrets

TheLegend27: rip

<The_Only_Nord> logged on

The_Only_Nord: sorry, I can’t either

meow: fuck yes

TheLegend27: why not

The_Only_Nord: I have to… talk to Enthir

TheLegend27: again

The_Only_Nord: yes.

<The_Only_Nord> logged off

TheLegend27: brelyna are you sure you cant come

ConjurationYes: Positive, I’m afraid

ConjurationYes: Arniel may be oblivious enough for me to be in here, but he’ll notice if I leave

ConjurationYes: Good luck, you two

<ConjurationYes> logged off

meow: so where r we going

TheLegend27: were gonna fuck up some rogue mages

meow: fkn sweet lets goooo ive been wanting to practice my destruction

TheLegend27: you and me both

Private Conversation Between <The_Only_Nord> and <ConjurationYes>

The_Only_Nord: just giving you a heads up, I’m going to come in and distract Arniel in a few seconds

ConjurationYes: Alright…? Why

The_Only_Nord: this is an intervention, nobody should have to listen to that guy ramble for hours on end

ConjurationYes: Oh

ConjurationYes: Thanks

The_Only_Nord: get ready

ConjurationYes: Wait, don’t you have to talk to Enthir

The_Only_Nord: of course not, I got my amulet back weeks ago

The_Only_Nord: I just didn’t feel like leaving the College today

ConjurationYes: ...but you feel like bailing me out, for some reason

The_Only_Nord: um… yes? why wouldn’t I? you’d do the same for me

ConjurationYes: I would?

ConjurationYes: um… I mean yeah, I would

The_Only_Nord: ;) intervention coming in five

ConjurationYes: Onmund, a countdown really isn’t necessary

The_Only_Nord: four

ConjurationYes: That was five seconds already, Onmund

The_Only_Nord: three

ConjurationYes: Onmund, please

The_Only_Nord: zero hERE I GO

ConjurationYes: ONMUND NO

College Main Chat

<Mira-Bell> logged on

Mira-Bell: @ConjurationYes @The_Only_Nord

Mira-Bell: Would the two of you care to explain why I’m getting complaints from Arniel about how disrespectful you are

<ConjurationYes> logged on

<The_Only_Nord> logged on

ConjurationYes: In my defense, I didn’t actually do anything

The_Only_Nord: in my defense, Arniel was going on and on about Dwemer artefacts again and someone had to bail Brelyna out of there

ConjurationYes: *artifacts

The_Only_Nord: what even is the difference?

ConjurationYes: Um… it’s something

Mira-Bell: An artifact is an object. An artefact is an artificial product or effect. You’re welcome

ConjurationYes: Thanks…?

Mira-Bell: And while Arniel’s complaints, if true, do not actually warrant any disciplinary action, may I offer some advice?

The_Only_Nord: sure

Mira-Bell: Brelyna, if you don’t know anything about what Arniel is talking about, please tell him that before he gets going

ConjurationYes: I’ll try

Mira-Bell: Onmund, while your intentions in helping your friend were noble, I would recommend avoiding Arniel for the next several weeks

The_Only_Nord: oh gods, he hates me that much

Mira-Bell: If it makes you feel any better, he’s still annoyed at me for something I did as an apprentice

The_Only_Nord: IT DOESN’T BUT THANKS

<The_Only_Nord> logged off

Chapter Text

Take A Shot For Every Time A Guard Said “Wait, I Know You…”

Chatroom renamed to [Let’s Talk About The Dragonborn]

redhead: ok sure but why

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: It’s getting slow in here

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Would you prefer this

Chatroom renamed to [The Dragonborn Cums]

redhead: not really but ok

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: @all I heard the Dragonborn can hurl a boulder further than a catapult

MercerTheFrey: Do you seriously think we’re that juvenile?

redhead: oh hey boss, you’re here?

<dontvexme> logged on

dontvexme: i heard the dragonborn fingered a girl once

dontvexme: funerals coming up

MercerTheFrey: Not anymore, I’m not.

<MercerTheFrey> logged off

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: VEX I LOVE YOU

dontvexme: see my username

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Ok

dontvexme: dont push your luck

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Ok

redhead: wait, isn’t the Dragonborn a girl?

dontvexme: exactly

<Ton> logged on

Ton: I heard the Dragonborn once defeated an entire army with a single blow

redhead: Tonilia...

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: I’ll do you one better, I heard the Dragonborn once defeated an entire army of dragons with a single blow

redhead: Delvin...

Ton: I bet you’d like her to slay your dragon ;)

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: I’d prefer Vex but I’ll take what I can get

dontvexme: do u realize how close i am to coming over there and kicking ur ass

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Nope

redhead: Delvin, please, you know we’re better than this...

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Oh come on, you know you want to get in on this too

redhead: irrelevant, but continue, I’m listening

RUNE: i heard the dragonborn is the secret granddaughter of martin septim and the hero of kvatch

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: I thought that guy died a virgin

RUNE: are you kidding he and the hero of kvatch were definitely fucking

RUNE: but anyway

Jewel_Thief: i heard the dragonborn once challenged the sun to a staring contest

Jewel_Thief: that’s why we have night

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: That’s good, we like the night

dontvexme: u wouldnt get anything done if there wasnt night

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Neither would you, try again

<jailbreak> logged on

dontvexme: well unlike this so called master of stealth i can actually do jobs in the daytime

jailbreak: hA ROASTED

jailbreak: anyway i heard the dragonborn was born of fire, and shes favored by the gods

dontvexme: well duh shes dragonborn

the-man: I heard the Dragonborn can down fifty flagons of ale in a single sitting

Ton: I heard the Dragonborn did that and then proceeded to kill a dragon

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: I heard the Dragonborn did just that and killed two more dragons

<bandicoot> logged on

bandicoot: I was on a job in Whiterun when a dragon attacked once

bandicoot: that dragon didn’t stand a chance once the Dragonborn arrived on the scene

jailbreak: how long did it take the dragonborn to arrive on the scene?

bandicoot: two seconds

<Marksman> logged on

Marksman: This is foolish.

<Marksman> logged off

sneakthief: his loss

sneakthief: i heard the dragonborn stopped a waterfall with a teacup

sneakthief: twice

sneakthief: she also saved my life that one time when the thalmor kidnapped me <3

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: I heard the Dragonborn is Thane in all nine holds

bandicoot: I heard the Dragonborn is Jarl in all nine holds

jailbreak: i heard the dragonborn is the new high king

Ton: You mean High Queen

jailbreak: no i mean high king she can be a king if she wants to

the-man: I heard she’s next in line to be the next Emperor

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: I heard she is the Emperor

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Hey Bryn, you still here or what

redhead: oh I’m here

redhead: I feel like the Dragonborn would be cracking up if she was in this chat

dontvexme: obv shes not tho

redhead: true, true. but one can dream.

redhead: so, tell me the truth: how many of you would fuck the Dragonborn right here, right now, if she asked you to

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: what the fuck

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Me

dontvexme: me

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Threesome

dontvexme: not a chance and if u say another word abt that tonight i will end u

Jewel_Thief: me

jailbreak: me

bandicoot: me

RUNE: possibly

redhead: I’m with you there, lad

sneakthief: sure

TheLegend27: as i said

TheLegend27: what the fuck did i miss

redhead: nothing much, lass. most people here would fuck the dragonborn though

TheLegend27: good to know

Private Conversation Between <sneakthief> and <TheLegend27>

TheLegend27: none of them know do they

sneakthief: nope

Chapter Text

Did Ysgramor Is Gay

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: whats up

FARKLE: the sky i think

FARKLE: wait thats not what you meant

TheLegend27: holy shit farkas you made a pun im so proud

TheLegend27: @badass your brother made a pun

badass: I know, I’m literally right here

TheLegend27: oh

M-E-A-D: hYEEEYYYyyyyyy

TheLegend27: hi torvar

TheLegend27: youre drunk arent you

M-E-A-D: yes and YSE

M-E-A-D: *YEES

M-E-A-D: colse enough

TheLegend27: i only asked one question though

badass: We’ve been dealing with this for hours

TheLegend27: you have my sympathy

badass: Thanks

TheLegend27: i was talking to farkas

FARKLE: thanks

TheLegend27: anyway whats up with the chat name

M-E-A-D: this gyu I met inna bar th other day swears he found YESGMAMOR’S DIARY

TheLegend27: who the fuck is yesgmamor

M-E-A-D: YEESGRAMOR

M-E-A-D: YEASTGRAMOR

TheLegend27: who the fuck is yeastgramor

badass: He means Ysgramor

M-E-A-D: yEAh YEASTGRAOR

M-E-A-D: he GYAAAAAAAAA

TheLegend27: you mean gay

TheLegend27: fucking sweet i knew there was something i liked about the guy

M-E-A-D: yaaaa

M-E-A-D: sooo wahtve yuo been up to lately?

TheLegend27: you know

TheLegend27: stuff

TheLegend27: i found a shard of wuuthrad tho

M-E-A-D: RELLY

TheLegend27: yes relly

badass: ...this is physically painful to read I swear

TheLegend27: then dont

badass: ok

<badass> logged off

M-E-A-D: I CNAT BELIVEE YOU FUOND WUTHRAUD

M-E-A-D: THE ULTMATE SXE TOY

TheLegend27: i found a piece of it

TheLegend27: and its a battleaxe

TheLegend27: i think nobody was ever really clear on that

FARKLE: its a battleaxe

TheLegend27: k got it

TheLegend27: look torvar i dont really want to know how you would use a battleaxe as a sex toy

M-E-A-D: ist simple

TheLegend27: im too sober for this

<TheLegend27> logged off

M-E-A-D: aWWh

Private Conversation Between <mane_of_white> and <The_Huntress>

mane_of_white: So, Aela. What have you been up to lately?

The_Huntress: with all due respect kodlak, see my name

mane_of_white: What for?

The_Huntress: stuff?

mane_of_white: Alright. What’s the Dragonborn up to?

The_Huntress: killing dragons I guess

Private Conversation Between <mane_of_white> and <TheLegend27>

mane_of_white: So… what have you been up to lately?

TheLegend27: stuff

mane_of_white: What kind of stuff?

TheLegend27: killing dragons

mane_of_white: And a dragon had a shard of Wuuthrad?

TheLegend27: no some bandits did

mane_of_white: Really. These bandits didn’t happen to be the Silver Hand, did they?

<TheLegend27> logged off

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: um no of course not

TheLegend27: sorry tripped

mane_of_white: Are you sure about that?

TheLegend27: yeah i definitely tripped scraped my knees too they kinda hurt a lot

mane_of_white: …

TheLegend27: ok maybe i was going to take down some bandits and then realized too late they were silver hand

mane_of_white: …

TheLegend27: ok maybe i didnt realize too late but they were still bandits

mane_of_white: …

TheLegend27: ok maybe i wanted to avenge skjor

mane_of_white: Skjor has long since been avenged. Attacking the Silver Hand at this point will only cause a vicious cycle of retaliation between us until both are destroyed

TheLegend27: fuck thats deep

mane_of_white: …

TheLegend27: sorry

mane_of_white: Listen. I understand that you, like Aela, take to the beast blood quite deeply.

TheLegend27: actually i just like being more powerful

TheLegend27: not quite a dragon but they tend to be a bit more intimidated by a werewolf than just me

mane_of_white: That’s fine. However, I seek a cure. So do Farkas and Vilkas.

TheLegend27: i mean ill help you out but this is legit only for you and farkas vilkas is a lil bitch

mane_of_white: Will you stop interrupting me.

TheLegend27: sorry what do you need me to do

mane_of_white: Meet me downstairs. I really don’t feel like typing out the whole thing tonight.

TheLegend27: sounds good

Chapter Text

Hail Sithis

<the.astrid> logged on

<stabbystab> logged on

Chatroom renamed to [we have a listener!!! :D]

BABS: what the fuck

the.astrid: for fuck’s sake if you’re going to do that at least do it right

Chatroom renamed to [We Have A Listener Apparently]

BABS: WHAT THE FUCK

Chatroom renamed to [we have a listener!!! :D]

stabbystab: it stays!!! :^)

the.astrid: someone remind me why I thought giving Cicero moderator privileges was a good idea again

wolfy: Because if he’s stayed alive this long, clearly he’s more than just an annoying jester

the.astrid: somehow I doubt that was my initial reasoning but ok

BABS: OK SURE BUT STILL CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN

BABS: WE HAVE A LISTENER??? WHO???

BABS: IS IT GABRIELLA I COULD SEE THE LISTENER BEING GABRIELLA

FutureVision: Babette, you flatter me, but I think not

the.astrid: @all get in here dammit I have an important announcement to make

stabbystab: its not Gabriella oh no ;^)

<x_WIZARD_x> logged on

x_WIZARD_x: Cicero, are the emojis really necessary?

stabbystab: yes!!! >:^)

x_WIZARD_x: Don’t worry, I understand perfectly.

the.astrid: Festus that’s not a good thing

x_WIZARD_x: What’s this about a Listener?

the.astrid: I’ll explain once everyone’s here

the.astrid: where the fuck is everyone

x_WIZARD_x: Contracts, mostly. I’m fairly sure I saw @TheLegend27 recently.

the.astrid: so did I

the.astrid: @TheLegend27 get in here or so help me Sithis you’re getting that contract with the bard

<TheLegend27> logged in

TheLegend27: im here

TheLegend27: im also very fucking confused

the.astrid: I’ll keep it short: we have a listener and it’s this idiot

TheLegend27: still dont know what a listener is but i can agree on the idiot part

BABS: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

x_WIZARD_x: A Listener? I can hardly believe it…

FutureVision: me either, Krex. and I’ve been here longer than you.

stabbystab: :^)

the.astrid: stop that

stabbystab: {>:^)

TheLegend27: what the fuck is that supposed to be

stabbystab: a jester hat!!! like cicero’s!!! {:^)

TheLegend27: noted

<mother-of-night> logged on

TheLegend27: whoa what the fuck

x_WIZARD_x: What?

TheLegend27: did none of you see that

wolfy: See what

TheLegend27: you know what nvm

TheLegend27: hey babette can you take a look at the chat real quick on my screen

BABS: ya sure why

TheLegend27: whos that person that just logged in

BABS: ...are you talking about Festus

TheLegend27: no like look where im pointing

BABS: you’re pointing at your text saying “whoa what the fuck”

BABS: r u ok

TheLegend27: i might be on stolen skooma but thats irrelevant

mother-of-night: they cannot here me my child ;)

mother-of-night: *hear

mother-of-night: fuck

TheLegend27: ok so this might be the skooma talking but i think the night mother is in the chat

TheLegend27: someone remind me who that is again please

FutureVision: woman who murdered her kids and was blessed by Sithis as a result

TheLegend27: awesome

mother-of-night: its not the skooma talking ;)

TheLegend27: she says its not the skooma talking ok what the fuck is going on

stabbystab: you’re the listener!!! {:^)

TheLegend27: really i never would have noticed

the.astrid: fine. What does she say about me?

mother-of-night: that harlot will die a harlto’s death

mother-of-night: *horlot

mother-of-night: FUCK *harlot

TheLegend27: um

TheLegend27: she says you have bad breath

mother-of-night: well she does but that’s irrelevant

TheLegend27: it smells like onions

the.astrid: what

<Sands_of_the_Alik’r> logged on

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: HA it does I can smell it from here

the.astrid: Nazir, why

mother-of-night: LMAO

Sands_of_the Alik’r: wait what are we talking about

BABS: we have a listener it’s @TheLegend27 and she’s on skooma

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: so nothing new ok

x_WIZARD_x: Actually...

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: wait WHAT

x_WIZARD_x: We have a Listener.

Sands_of_the_Alik'r: SHE'S ON SKOOMA WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY

TheLegend27: no fucking idea

mother-of-night: im so proud

TheLegend27: nvm shes proud neat

Chapter Text

And The Best Septim Is…

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: whoa someone changed the chat name i didnt think it was allowed

mmmmmagic: It’s allowed when I do it. :)

TheLegend27: wait holy shit youre the arch mage

TheLegend27: hi

mmmmmagic: Hello.

TheLegend27: so whats going on

Mira-Bell: Discourse

TheLegend27: what

The_Only_Nord: OK LISTEN

Mira-Bell: You’ll figure it out

The_Only_Nord: TIBER SEPTIM WAS BEST SEPTIM AND I WILL FIGHT ANYONE AND EVERYONE ON THIS

myalembic: seconded

Mira-Bell: @mmmmmagic I still think this is a bad idea but anyway

mmmmmagic: Don’t worry, it’s a great idea

Mira-Bell: Are we really just ignoring the fact that Martin Septim quite literally sacrificed himself to stop the Oblivion Crisis here

ARCANO: The Thalmor stopped the Oblivion Crisis.

The_Only_Nord: right and the Thalmor are in Skyrim to ”””"keep the peace””””

Mira-Bell: Ancano, you don't seriously think anyone here believes that political propaganda, do you? This is a place of learning, and I will not allow the facts to be skewed

ARCANO: …

<ARCANO> logged off

Mira-Bell: Good riddance

myalembic: agreed

myalembic: and Edmund, my boy, it doesn’t matter what they think. Tiber Septim was and is the best Septim. stick to your beliefs.

TheLegend27: who the fuck is edmund

The_Only_Nord: wait do you mean me?

The_Only_Nord: it’s Onmund but thanks

<ConjurationYes> logged on

ConjurationYes: Hello! Why are we not talking about Katariah Septim

mmmmmagic: You’re completely right. Apologies, Mirabelle, but I’m afraid I must agree with this apprentice.

Mira-Bell: Traitor

The_Only_Nord: look, Katariah was pretty awesome, but Tiber Septim was better. besides, she married in

ConjurationYes: Which is what makes her the BEST. People looked down on her because she was a Dunmer, but she went on to be the best leader the Empire has ever seen

The_Only_Nord: okay but she’s still not the best

ConjurationYes: If you don’t believe me, answer this: what is Emperor Mede's ship called?

The_Only_Nord: how would I know?

TheLegend27: the katariah septim

ConjurationYes: Thanks

The_Only_Nord: how do you even know that???

TheLegend27: reasons

ConjurationYes: Now do you see? Even the Empire agrees with me. So does the Arch-Mage himself

mmmmmagic: Yes.

The_Only_Nord: the ship’s only named that because the Empire renounced Tiber Septim

ConjurationYes: THE SHIP’S ONLY NAMED THAT BECAUSE KATARIAH SEPTIM IS THE BEST SEPTIM. END OF STORY

TheLegend27: hey you know what i think

TheLegend27: i think the dragonborn is the best septim

meow: but the dragonborn isnt a septim

TheLegend27: you never know she might be

myalembic: excuse me, Brenna, as much as I’d like to agree with you, did Katariah Septim become a god?

meow: who

ConjurationYes: It’s Brelyna and no

myalembic: my point exactly.

ConjurationYes: BUT the Empire renounced Tiber Septim’s godhood, and Katariah Septim is still the best Septim

Mira-Bell: But come on

Mira-Bell: You’re all forgetting the Oblivion Crisis

Mira-Bell: Martin Septim

Mira-Bell: He turned into a dragon, alright

<MAD_CHEESE> logged on

MAD_CHEESE: AHAHAHA HE SURE DID

TheLegend27: what the fuck

The_Only_Nord: who the fuck

Mira-Bell: Language

The_Only_Nord: whom the fuck

Mira-Bell: No

Mira-Bell: Why does everyone answer like that

The_Only_Nord: how would I know? :)

Mira-Bell: Now @MAD_CHEESE who are you and what are you doing in this chatroom?

MAD_CHEESE: OH I HEARD YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN

MAD_CHEESE: OF COURSE FRIEND IS A BIT OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT

MAD_CHEESE: IT WAS MORE LIKE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS ;)

Mira-Bell: Alright, that’s enough from you

<MAD_CHEESE> was removed from [And The Best Septim Is…]

<MAD_CHEESE> logged in

MAD_CHEESE: NICE TRY

MAD_CHEESE: ANYWAY IM JUST HERE TO SAY

MAD_CHEESE: MARTIN WAS OBVIOUSLY THE BEST SEPTIM

MAD_CHEESE: OF COURSE HE DID TURN INTO A DRAGON AND THATS HARDLY SPORTING BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO

<MAD_CHEESE> logged off

Questionable: what the fuck was that

Mira-Bell: I would say language, but I’ve given up at this point

Questionable: ur learning ;)

TheLegend27: i have no idea what that was tbh

TheLegend27: clearly had no regard for chatroom etiquette tho

The_Only_Nord: wait… isn’t Sheogorath associated with cheese?

meow: THE SKOOMA CAT :D

TheLegend27: ok i need more sleep for this shit

Mira-Bell: It's probably a bad thing that Sheogorath agreed with me, if in fact that's Sheogorath

TheLegend27: yeah probably

Chapter Text

Go Forth And Steal Shit

redhead: so what you’re saying is that it’s Karliah who’s been trying to undermine the Guild here?

TheLegend27: ye

redhead: it’s Karliah who’s been behind Goldenglow, and Honningbrew Meadery?

TheLegend27: ye

TheLegend27: im gonna meet mercer at this one place to bring her down and its gonna be great

dontvexme: give her an extra couple stabs for me plz

dontvexme: goldenglow sucked ass

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: You know, I still can’t tell if you mean something’s really good or really bad when you say that

dontvexme: if something sucks ass its bad delvin

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: ...oh. That explains a lot

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: But really, be careful when you’re fighting Karliah

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: And whatever you do, don’t let your guard down

TheLegend27: would you believe me if i said i never do

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Yes

TheLegend27: anyway im almost there

TheLegend27: fuck mercers already here

TheLegend27: bye guys

redhead: see you, lass

<TheLegend27> logged off

Private Conversation between <nighteyes> and <TheLegend27>

TheLegend27: i mean i didnt like mercer to begin with the guy is an asshole but theres being an asshole and then theres being a murderer and thats a pretty big difference

TheLegend27: anyway im almost to winterhold ill talk to enthir

nighteyes: good

nighteyes: be careful mercer has eyes everywhere

TheLegend27: oh come on im always careful

nighteyes: the amount of traps you triggered on your way through snow veil sanctum would disagree with you

TheLegend27: ok that was mercer

TheLegend27: he kept shit talking me the entire time telling me that for a thief i wasnt remotely stealthy and all that

TheLegend27: and yet when draugr showed up it wasnt me running at them screaming bloody murder

nighteyes: he does that

nighteyes: and for what its worth im sorry you had to get wrapped up in this

TheLegend27: yo its cool

TheLegend27: were going to get that translation get back to the guild and make that son of a bitch pay for murdering your

TheLegend27: uh

TheLegend27: boyfriend maybe

nighteyes: is it really that obvious

TheLegend27: well yes but also i asked around after you tried to get into the chat

TheLegend27: only adds to my motivation that mercer is a despicable waste of space not worth two septims

nighteyes: you wouldnt be wrong

nighteyes: i would have disagreed once

nighteyes: but that was before he murdered gallus and framed me for it

TheLegend27: you seem remarkably not broken up about that

nighteyes: ive had twenty-five years

nighteyes: and what makes you think im not broken up about it

TheLegend27: true

TheLegend27: ive only got your typing to go by

TheLegend27: anyway i can see winterhold up ahead

nighteyes: goodbye then

TheLegend27: quick question first

TheLegend27: are you sure i cant go into the thieves guild chat and expose mercer for the sleazy douchebag he is

nighteyes: youre welcome to try but i suspect it would not end well and would only result in mercer being made aware of your survival

nighteyes: we need to catch him unawares

TheLegend27: right

TheLegend27: seeya

<TheLegend27> logged off

Chapter Text

RIP KODLAK

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: whoa what the fuck

badass: Where the FUCK have you been

TheLegend27: fuck you i nearly died

badass: That’s normal for you. Also not an excuse

TheLegend27: i was heading to markarth to grab something for a friend who legit saved my life

TheLegend27: but i guess im making a detour

badass: Where are you going after Markarth

TheLegend27: um

TheLegend27: winterhold i think

badass: Meet me there. The Silver Hand are going to pay

<badass> logged off

The_Huntress: so in case you didn’t figure it out, the Silver Hand attacked Jorrvaskr like yesterday

TheLegend27: i figured it out

TheLegend27: kodlaks dead

The_Huntress: Kodlak’s dead

TheLegend27: well fuck

TheLegend27: vilkas does know its going to be a few days until i get to winterhold right

The_Huntress: probably not, he took off running out of Jorrvaskr a couple of minutes ago

The_Huntress: pretty sure he shifted to get there faster

TheLegend27: hes going to be waiting a while

The_Huntress: so… what were you doing?

TheLegend27: its a long fucking story but ive got a long ride to markarth so i might as well tell someone

Private Conversation Between <TheLegend27> and <The_Huntress>

The_Huntress: well I can’t say I’m surprised that you’re a member of the Thieves Guild but damn that’s rough

TheLegend27: yeah for a group of thieves theyre really cool

TheLegend27: i mean so are you guys of course

The_Huntress: well of course we are this is me we’re talking about

The_Huntress: but damn, the Thieves Guild and the Companions… what else are you in, the Dark Brotherhood?

TheLegend27: um about that

The_Huntress: WHAT THE FUCK I WASN'T BEING SERIOUS

TheLegend27: while were at it im also a member of the college of winterhold

<TheLegend27> logged off

Chapter Text

The Dark Brotherhood Forever

<TheLegend27> logged in

TheLegend27: hey @the.astrid is it at all possible for you to send someone else to assassinate the emperor literally everything is going to shit for me right now

the.astrid: no

wolfy: I’ll go

the.astrid: definitely not

wolfy: Aww

the.astrid: you’d better be there, or you can consider yourself unwelcome in my Sanctuary from now on, “Listener”

TheLegend27: what why

the.astrid: because we have been planning this for weeks, because nobody else can get to Solitude in time, because this is our big chance… do I need to continue?

TheLegend27: are you absolutely sure i cant take a sick day

the.astrid: this is the Dark Brotherhood dammit, we don’t take sick days

TheLegend27: aight aight fine

TheLegend27: if one of my prior commitments kills me im blaming you

the.astrid: we’ve been planning this for weeks, you should not have made any prior commitments

TheLegend27: fine ill be there

TheLegend27: considering that the actual gourmet was an orc i dont think theyd bat an eye if one of you guys went though

the.astrid: do I need to make myself any more clear

TheLegend27: nope

TheLegend27: bye arnbjorn

wolfy: see you

<TheLegend27> logged off

FUCK FUCK FUCK

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: @all whos not dead i just got here

wolfy: Not me yet

<wolfy> logged off

TheLegend27: thats encouraging

TheLegend27: oh fuck

TheLegend27: well that was not a pleasant sight to arrive to

TheLegend27: im gonna stab that backstabbing son of a bitch

TheLegend27: poor festus

TheLegend27: oh fuck

TheLegend27: fuck veezara too

TheLegend27: fuck

<TheLegend27> logged off

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: well i know that arnbjorn veezara and festus are dead

TheLegend27: if youre not dead and not fighting for your life say something plz

TheLegend27: please

BABS: they took me prisoner

BABS: and by that I mean they “”””rescued”””” the little girl that the Dark Brotherhood was keeping captive

BABS: I’m ok until they figure out imma vampire but I’m pretty sure that Gabriella’s dead

TheLegend27: fuck

TheLegend27: how about astrid and nazir

BABS: Astrid I haven’t seen, but last I saw Nazir he was still fighting

TheLegend27: hold on I think I found him

<TheLegend27> logged off

BABS: well shit

<TheLegend27> logged on

<Sands_of_the_Alik’r> logged on

TheLegend27: sorry but someone i was working with a while back died because he tried to text while fighting so i dont text while fighting anymore

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: That’s oddly responsible of you.

TheLegend27: im gonna take that as a compliment

BABS: so you guys are ok? imma come find you

TheLegend27: maybe stay where you are for now we might be about to be explodinated but no sweat

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Explodinated is not a word.

TheLegend27: i dont care at this point but we might be fucked

TheLegend27: hey babette if we dont make it out theres a sanctuary near dawnstar

TheLegend27: go there

TheLegend27: the passphrase is innocence my brother

TheLegend27: ciceros there i might have been too lazy to actually kill him

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Really.

TheLegend27: that and the spectral assassin kept going on about how sithis didnt want me to kill him so i was eventually like fine

BABS: ...spectral assassin?

TheLegend27: holy shit you guys dont know about him

TheLegend27: after the wedding contract astrid gave me this cool spell to summon the ghost of some dark brotherhood legend or something idk

TheLegend27: if we survive this ill introduce you guys to him i definitely wouldnt have made it out of solitude alive without his help

TheLegend27: of course thats assuming we actually survive this

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Well, unless you have two extremely potent flame resistance potions on you right now...

TheLegend27: well i do but theyre not potent and not good against explosions

<mother-of-night> logged in

TheLegend27: good timing mom do you have any advice

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: ???

mother-of-night: you haven’t forgotten that the others can’t hear me, have yuo

mother-of-night: *you

TheLegend27: night mother just logged in

TheLegend27: hey any advice on not dying right now maybe those flames are getting awfully close

mother-of-night: embrace me my child ;)

TheLegend27: what

TheLegend27: oh fuck no im not getting in there again

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Whatever she wants would probably be a good idea, I don’t think we have time to argue. Or should argue regardless.

mother-of-night: ;) i like him

TheLegend27: aight fine time to hug a corpse again

BABS: again???

TheLegend27: long story rip me bye

<TheLegend27> logged off

<mother-of-night> logged off

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: ...should I be worried about the fact that the Listener just jumped into the Night Mother’s coffin?

BABS: nah

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Should I be worried about the fact that the doors of said coffin just closed behind her?

BABS: nah

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Should I be worried about the fact that the coffin is airtight, and therefore our Listener is not going to be able to breathe?

BABS: nah

BABS: well maybe

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Anyway, I think this might be it for me.

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Kill lots of Penitus Oculatus for me, Babette.

BABS: WHAT NO

<Sands_of_the_Alik’r> logged off

BABS: YOU KNOW WHAT

BABS: NO MORE HARMLESS HOSTAGE KID FOR YOU

<BABS> logged off

New Chatroom 217659

<TheLegend27> created a new chatroom

Chatroom renamed to [Stayin’ Alive (FUCK YOU MARO)]

<TheLegend27> added <Sands_of_the_Alik’r>

<TheLegend27> added <BABS>

<Sands_of_the_Alik’r> logged on

<BABS> logged on

TheLegend27: so that was a hot mess

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: That’s really not funny.

TheLegend27: i know im sorry

TheLegend27: but anyway heres my spectral assassin friend

<TheLegend27> added <death_comes>

<death_comes> logged in

death_comes: We are not friends.

BABS: lol I like him already

Chapter Text

Class of ‘201

<TheLegend27> logged in

TheLegend27: hey shit doesnt happen to be going down here by any chance right

meow: lol nah

meow: y do u ask

TheLegend27: so i do a lot of shit right

TheLegend27: shit is going down everywhere right now

TheLegend27: a bunch of my friends got murdered

meow: but jzargo thought he was ur friend :(

TheLegend27: a bunch of other friends not you

TheLegend27: i nearly got murdered by some bastard who thought he could just leave me to die

TheLegend27: he almost succeeded but thats irrelevant

TheLegend27: and im meeting someone else to avenge this old guy who i kind of looked up to and shit

meow: well urag is still waiting for u

TheLegend27: to do what

meow: to get his books

TheLegend27: shit i completely forgot about that ill go do that eventually

TheLegend27: whats brelyna and onmund doing

meow: probs each other

TheLegend27: wait what

TheLegend27: what the fuck i wasnt gone that long

meow: kidding they r helping enthir with something

Questionable Business

<Questionable> added <The_Only_Nord>

<Questionable> added <ConjurationYes>

Questionable: so you both know why youre here

The_Only_Nord: yeah

ConjurationYes: Unfortunately, yes

ConjurationYes: Remind me why I agreed to this again

Questionable: because ancano is a little bitch and because mirabelle said shed look the other way if he were to have an accident

The_Only_Nord: we're going to get in so much trouble for this but it'll be so worth it

ConjurationYes: ...fine, I'll distract him while the two of you set the runes

ConjurationYes: Onmund

The_Only_Nord: yeah?

ConjurationYes: If this doesn't go well, you owe me all those Void Salts you were saving to pawn off at the store down in town

The_Only_Nord: that's fair

Questionable: ah young love so beautiful you two are making me sick lets get to it already

College Main Chat

ARCANO: WHO IN OBLIVION SET FROST RUNES ALL OVER MY ROOM

Mira-Bell: Perhaps you did it in your sleep

ARCANO: ...

<ARCANO> logged off

Chapter Text

So We’re All Fucked

<TheLegend27> logged on

redhead: lass what the fuck, we thought you died

TheLegend27: yeah so did i

dontvexme: well considering who ur working with now it wouldve been better if u had

TheLegend27: ok now thats cold

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Well, let’s see

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: You and Mercer disappear, and you turn up again with Karliah

redhead: I thought you were better than this, lass

TheLegend27: ok fuck this

<TheLegend27> logged off

New Chatroom 217991

<TheLegend27> created a new chatroom

Chatroom renamed to [Can You Guys Please Listen For Five Damn Seconds]

<TheLegend27> added <nighteyes>

nighteyes: are you sure this is going to work

TheLegend27: well if it doesnt well be a lot less likely to get stabbed

nighteyes: fair enough

nighteyes: are you ready for this

TheLegend27: i mean they all just called me a traitor so i think i know how you feel now

TheLegend27: so hell yes lets clear our names

<nighteyes> was elevated to [Moderator]

<TheLegend27> added <redhead>

<nighteyes> added <xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx>

<TheLegend27> added <dontvexme>

TheLegend27: look i know things seem pretty damning but consider this

TheLegend27: mercer tried to kill me

TheLegend27: i wouldnt be alive if it wasnt for karliah

nighteyes: and for the last damn time i did not kill gallus

nighteyes: why would i

redhead: why would Mercer, then?

nighteyes: because he was stealing from the guild for years and gallus was looking into it before he died

nighteyes: he likely still is doing so

dontvexme: fk u both im not listening to this bs

<dontvexme> left [Can You Guys Please Listen For Five Damn Seconds]

nighteyes: shes charming

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Look, I want to believe you, but believing you means believing that Mercer has been lying to us all for decades

nighteyes: which he has been

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Do you have any proof

TheLegend27: actually yes but um

nighteyes: i told you it was a better idea to meet them in person

TheLegend27: that would be because youve never met vex in person

redhead: true. she would stab you both on the spot. I’m still deciding on that myself.

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: As am I

nighteyes: if you dont believe us then believe gallus

nighteyes: well his journal

nighteyes: journaltranslation.pdf

nighteyes: theres the original thing the translation notes from enthir and the translated version

TheLegend27: still trying to figure out why the fuck gallus thought it was a good idea to write his journal in falmer

redhead: well if nothing else that does sound like something Gallus would have done.

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: True that. I’m going to go check something, I’ll be back

<xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx> logged off

TheLegend27: thats because it is for fucks sake

TheLegend27: mercer frey is a traitorous son of a hagraven who deserves to rot in the depths of oblivion

nighteyes: thats a new one

TheLegend27: im pissed ok

TheLegend27: like you guys thought i was dead and then wish i was when it turns out im not

TheLegend27: thats fucked up

<xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx> logged on

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Brynjolf

redhead: what

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: We fucked up

redhead: what

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: We fucked up bad

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: @TheLegend27 @nighteyes For what it's worth, I’m sorry we didn’t believe you

nighteyes: thanks delvin means a lot

redhead: ok but delvin what the fuck did you find

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: It’s more what I didn’t find

redhead: lad you lost me.

nighteyes: oh no

nighteyes: please tell me mercer didnt

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: Mercer did

xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx: As if we weren’t fucked enough already, the vault is completely cleaned out. Not a septim left to spare

redhead: well fuck

TheLegend27: wait what the fuck we had a vault

Chapter Text

WHAT IN OBLIVOIN ARE WE GOING TO DO???

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: oblivions spelled wrong

badass: Wait WHAT

badass: WHY DID NONE OF YOU MENTION THIS

Chatroom renamed to [WHAT IN OBLIVION ARE WE GOING TO DO???]

The_Huntress: because i wanted to see the look on your face when you realized you fucked up

The_Huntress: that was glorious

TheLegend27: lol

badass: Okay sure but really WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO

TheLegend27: well i mean you could do ria i have like fifty septims on that

The_Huntress: holy shit i think you broke him, i didn’t think anyone could break him

FARKLE: me either

badass: Just for the record, I hate you all

TheLegend27: the feelings mutual

FARKLE: you dont mean that

FARKLE: um

FARKLE: ok then

FARKLE: :(

The_Huntress: we’re getting off-topic again. what are we doing now? we need a new harbinger, and kodlak…

badass: Even if you and Skjor didn’t want a cure, Kodlak did. And he didn’t get it

TheLegend27: neither do i actually i kinda like being able to tear my foes to pieces

The_Huntress: now THIS is what i’m talking about!

badass: We’re here to pay our respects to Kodlak dammit

TheLegend27: ok but really there has to be some way to make sure he gets to sovngarde right

TheLegend27: theres always a way

The_Huntress: i hate to break it to you but real life doesn’t work like that

badass: Well… actually, there was something Kodlak was looking into

badass: You all know the legends of the Tomb of Ysgramor

FARKLE: yep

The_Huntress: right… well we’d have to actually get in there, and we don’t have wuuthrad to do that

TheLegend27: hold on youve been collecting shards of that wuuthrad thing to go graverobbing

badass: OF COURSE THE FUCK NOT

TheLegend27: to quote kodlak

TheLegend27: language

<skyforge-smith> logged in

The_Huntress: EORLUND???

skyforge-smith: yep that’s me

skyforge-smith: and yep i’ve been a part of this chatroom for… a while

skyforge-smith: thought you all might like to know that i fixed wuuthrad

badass: HOLY SON OF A SKEEVER’S WIFE

TheLegend27: well thats one of the more creative curses ive heard in a while

TheLegend27: but quick question

TheLegend27: wuuthrads an axe right

skyforge-smith: battleaxe, yes. what else would it be?

TheLegend27: well torvar seemed to think it was a sex toy so i wasnt sure

Chapter Text

Stayin’ Alive (FUCK YOU MARO)

<TheLegend27> logged on

Chatroom renamed to [Ding Dong, The Emperor’s Dead]

TheLegend27: @all its done and i have a very important question

death_comes: You do realize the answer’s most likely no?

TheLegend27: you think thatll stop me

death_comes: No, not really.

<Sands_of_the_Alik’r> logged on

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Good job. What’s the question?

TheLegend27: are we allowed to kill people who took contracts after the contracts done

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: I’d… really rather you didn’t.

TheLegend27: awww please the guys an asshole

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: However, there is no rule against it.

<BABS> logged on

BABS: what does mom say?

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: *Night Mother

<mother-of-night> logged on

mother-of-night: mmo is fine ;)

mother-of-night: fuck *mom

TheLegend27: she says mom is fine

BABS: FUCK YES LOVE YOU MOM

mother-of-night: <3 you know, I might have selected babette as listener. she was my third choice.

TheLegend27: wait third

BABS: ???

TheLegend27: talking to mom

mother-of-night: yes. the one you called gabriella was my second choice.

TheLegend27: oh rip

TheLegend27: anyway mom can i murder armaund motierre

mother-of-night: well, you could… or you could also expose his involvement with us. i know you’re more than just an assassin.

TheLegend27: holy shit mom youre brilliant

TheLegend27: aight ill be back guys ive got a payment to get and an asshole to frame

<TheLegend27> logged out

BABS: are you as confused as I am?

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Yes.

death_comes: If you think this is bad, be glad you aren't cleaning up her messes.

Sands_of_the_Alik'r: ...true. She's a handful.

Chapter Text

College Main Chat

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: hey @The_Librarian i got the boobs

<The_Librarian> logged on

The_Librarian: I didn’t need boobs but thanks? What about my books.

TheLegend27: fuck i meant books

Questionable: the b key is nowhere near the k key u know ;)

TheLegend27: theyre only a couple of keys apart and consider this

Questionable: ur gay

TheLegend27: autocorrect

TheLegend27: im pan actually

Questionable: so were all coming out now

TheLegend27: literally just me but sure

Questionable: boys

Questionable: i have a type and its bad boys

TheLegend27: seems legit

TheLegend27: wait

Questionable: what

TheLegend27: holy fucking shit imma go tell karliah

Questionable: what

TheLegend27: only you would become friends with someone who broke into your lab

TheLegend27: or was it something more it was definitely something more haha

TheLegend27: i cant believe you had a crush on him lmao

Questionable: u cant prove anything

TheLegend27: no but i can make you feel very uncomfortable

<ARCANO> logged on

ARCANO: Yes. YES. KARMA.

TheLegend27: on second thought ill pass ancanos more fun to fuck with

TheLegend27: @all the rumor come out does ancano is gay

ARCANO: ...what.

Questionable: hes gay for my hot bosmer dick ;)

ARCANO: No. No, I am NOT dealing with this again.

<ARCANO> logged off

<Mira-Bell> logged on

Mira-Bell: I don’t think so, or at least not exclusively so. Sometimes, I can’t tell if he’s hitting on me or insulting me, but he clearly thinks something is there. I’ll put it out there now that if he tries anything, he’s taking a Firebolt to the face.

TheLegend27: youre an inspiration to us all

Questionable: truly

Mira-Bell: I would say thanks, but considering that there’s rumors you both are involved with the Thieves Guild…

Questionable: oh theyre just rumors

Questionable: i must be getting better

TheLegend27: is it against the rules

Mira-Bell: Technically, no, but stealing from the College is.

TheLegend27: then im in the thieves guild

Mira-Bell: You know, you’re really not supposed to tell people that…

TheLegend27: can you blame me when theres people like this in it

TheLegend27:  lookatthisguyandtellmeheisntsexyasfuck.jpg

Questionable: oooo now whos got a crush

TheLegend27: ok but have you talked to brynjolf ever in your life

Questionable: understandable carry on

Mira-Bell: While I will admit he’s quite attractive for a Nord, I have… other preferences.

TheLegend27: we all know youre fucking the archmage

Mira-Bell: Damn it.

Questionable: lol ur not even trying to deny it

Mira-Bell: I’d like to think we’re more subtle than we are. We aren’t.

TheLegend27: wait holy shit mirabelle you cursed

Mira-Bell: I did?

TheLegend27: you typed out damn yes you cursed im so proud

Mira-Bell: The two of you are a bad influence.

TheLegend27: i mean

Questionable: ye

TheLegend27: definitely

TheLegend27: we need jzargo in here lets make the power trio complete

TheLegend27: @meow

<meow> logged on

meow: what are we doing

TheLegend27: being a bad influence on mirabelle

Questionable: yep

meow: lit

TheLegend27: where is everybody anyway

Mira-Bell: Making observations on the Eye of Magnus, and by that I mean staring at it. For… some reason. I can’t say I share the fascination with it.

meow: well brelyna and onmund are helping arniel with something to try and make up for the knickers incident

Mira-Bell: We are not calling it the Knickers Incident.

TheLegend27: lol what you cant have a name like that and not explain

Mira-Bell: Yes. We can.

meow: j’zargo will just tell you when she logs off :3

Mira-Bell: You know what? Fine. I don’t know why I haven’t logged off yet.

Questionable: lol why havent you then

Mira-Bell: Because someone has to keep an eye on you and it might as well be me.

TheLegend27: thats fair

TheLegend27: in the meantime have a clip of my friend brynjolfs sexy sexy voice

TheLegend27:  justlistentohim.mp3

meow: j’zargo thinks he is sexy for someone who is not j’zargo

Mira-Bell: ...I need a moment.

<Mira-Bell> logged off

Questionable: and it was then that mirabelle ervine discovered she had a thing for redheaded thieves

TheLegend27: brilliant

meow: ok so j’zargo loves you guys but j’zargo also thinks it might be a good idea to make a private chat between the three of us

meow: j’zargo would love to hear more about this brynjolf ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TheLegend27: lol ok ill make the group but then i have to go find urag and give him his boobs back

meow: lol what

TheLegend27: i meant books fuck i hate autocorrect

Questionable: wait hasnt urag been here the whole time

The_Librarian: Yes. :) It has been quite entertaining.

TheLegend27: what do you think of my hot friend

The_Librarian: I think that if I saw him on the campus, I would immediately sic angry atronachs on him because he looks and sounds like a thief.

TheLegend27: but im a thief

Questionable: not a smart thing to say my friend

meow: rip

The_Librarian: I’m sorry, what was that? I didn’t quite catch it.

TheLegend27: were literally on chat how did you not catch it

The_Librarian: …

TheLegend27: yeah ok thats fair ill make sure he stays off college campus

The_Librarian: Now bring me my books.

TheLegend27: yes sir

<TheLegend27> logged off

New Chatroom 219071

<TheLegend27> created a new chatroom

TheLegend27: ive been doing this a lot lately tbh oh well

Chatroom renamed to [The Squad]

<TheLegend27> added <meow>

<TheLegend27> added <Questionable>

<Questionable> logged on

Questionable: wait lets fix that

Chatroom renamed to [The Questionable Squad]

<meow> logged on

TheLegend27: tbh youre not wrong

TheLegend27: after all im here

meow: j’zargo thinks you cannot possibly be that questionable

TheLegend27: thats where youre wrong my furry feline friend

Questionable: shes in the thieves guild

TheLegend27: im in the thieves guild

meow: lit can j’zargo join

TheLegend27: i mean were having issues rn my friends brynjolf and karliah are still trying to figure out where the fuck the last guildmaster fucked off to with all our shit

TheLegend27: so maybe not right now

Questionable: well if karliah is back with the guild im guessing things went well

TheLegend27: yeee

meow: j’zargo thinks you should add the sexy nord

TheLegend27: nah hes not questionable enough

TheLegend27: maybe delvin

Questionable: do it

TheLegend27: maybe later imma go spy on ancano

<TheLegend27> logged off

meow: literally why

Questionable: idk but sometimes shes more questionable than me

Questionable: im like ninety five percent sure shes with the dark brotherhood

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: yep

<TheLegend27> logged off

meow: lit

Chapter Text

Nightingales of Nocturnal

<nighteyes> logged on

<nighteyes> removed <MercerTheFrey>

<nighteyes> added <redhead>

<redhead> logged on

<nighteyes> added <TheLegend27>

redhead: what’s this, lass?

nighteyes: the old nightingale group chat

nighteyes: i removed mercer

nighteyes: and i dont think gallus is going to be logging on anytime soon

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: karliah why are you crying

nighteyes: um

nighteyes: im not

nighteyes: how do you know that anyway youre not even in riften

TheLegend27: intuition of a friend

TheLegend27: do you need a hug

nighteyes: thanks but im fine

redhead: lass, are you sure about that

nighteyes: honestly no but i can waste time not being fine once were actually on the road

nighteyes: ive finally figured out where mercer is

TheLegend27: please tell me hes not in riften im in winterhold rn

nighteyes: hes not in riften

redhead: ok but lass, why in Oblivion are you in Winterhold

TheLegend27: because im a student at the college and i was making fun of the thalmor agent stationed there

TheLegend27: half the college thinks you have a hot voice now btw

redhead: what

nighteyes: i mean theyre not wrong but why do you have a recording of brynjolfs voice

TheLegend27: because its hot

redhead: fuck that was why you wanted me to post a recording of my voice?

TheLegend27: yep you have a hot sexy voice

TheLegend27: well i mean you both do i could listen to either of you talk all day

nighteyes: what

TheLegend27: well bryns is more sexy and smooth

TheLegend27: yours is just gorgeous

TheLegend27: has nobody ever told you that

nighteyes: not since gallus died no

TheLegend27: oh

TheLegend27: shit im sorry

nighteyes: its fine really

TheLegend27: but yeah you have a really nice voice

TheLegend27: so do you bryn

TheLegend27: and i dont have a nice voice but i can shout shit with my voice

redhead: wait what

redhead: WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE THE DRAGONBORN

TheLegend27: um yeah i keep forgetting to mention that dont i

nighteyes: im a little lost

TheLegend27: im always lost so its cool

TheLegend27: but yeah bryn would you like a demonstration

TheLegend27: fus ro dah mofos

redhead: lass, I don’t hear anything...

nighteyes: neither do i

TheLegend27: ill give you guys a demonstration when we catch up to mercer

TheLegend27: karliah you said you knew where he was

nighteyes: ye sorry

TheLegend27: its fine

nighteyes: hes going after the eyes of the falmer in some dwemer ruin that i definitely cant spell

TheLegend27: so not blackreach then

nighteyes: nope its something with an i

redhead: Irkingthand?

nighteyes: close enough

redhead: well, I know where that is

TheLegend27: me too

TheLegend27: its closer to me than you guys so ill head in and scout out the place

redhead: I’ll get on the road then

redhead: Karliah, I’ll meet you by the stables in a few

<redhead> logged off

TheLegend27: karliah are you absolutely sure youre fine

nighteyes: i will be once mercer is dead

TheLegend27: thats fair

TheLegend27: but youre definitely getting a hug once you get there

<TheLegend27> logged off

nighteyes: i

nighteyes: ...

nighteyes: thank you

<nighteyes> logged off

Chapter Text

ONWARDS!

<FARKLE> logged on

badass: You aren’t texting while fighting, are you

FARKLE: no

FARKLE: im coming back

badass: What why

FARKLE: keep you company

badass: Wait, really

badass: Hold on I need a moment

FARKLE: also spiders

badass: …

FARKLE: what spiders are terrifying

badass: Well they are

badass: But here I was thinking my favorite brother was coming to keep me company out of the goodness of his heart

FARKLE: im your only brother vilkas

badass: I know

badass: So are the others dead yet

FARKLE: dont think so

FARKLE: pretty sure i just heard a fus ro dah so thats a no

badass: Farkas, brother of mine, I heard that from here

FARKLE: true shouts are loud

badass: I mean… they’re called Shouts for a reason

<The_Huntress> logged on

The_Huntress: KODLAK’S GONE TO SOVNGARDE AND WE HAVE A NEW HARBINGER

badass: Is it me

FARKLE: no

badass: Brother you wound me

The_Huntress: it’s not vilkas

The_Huntress: it’s this girl! @TheLegend27

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: what happened to staying behind and meditating on ysgramors tomb

The_Huntress: oh i still am doing that

TheLegend27: also vilkas when did you become such a drama queen

FARKLE: i dont know what that is but it sounds like my brother

badass: And I’m dead. Killed by my own brother

badass: Someone burn a witch head for me I want to go to Sovngarde

<badass> logged off

TheLegend27: ok but when the fuck did vilkas become such a drama queen

FARKLE: honestly hes always been one

The_Huntress: i think he got it from kodlak

TheLegend27: ok you guys are blowing my mind right now so im just going to

TheLegend27: ok so i might have some business in dawnstar do you all mind if i head there

The_Huntress: vilkas might but he’s not here so sure

TheLegend27: sweet bye

<TheLegend27> logged off

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: one last thing

Chatroom renamed to [Vilkas the Drama Queen]

TheLegend27: much better

<TheLegend27> logged off

Vilkas the Drama Queen

<badass> logged on

badass: Oh come on

Chapter Text

Ding Dong, The Emperor’s Dead

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: @all its done and ive never felt more vindicated in my entire life

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: So what exactly did you do? It’s been days.

TheLegend27: ok listen up im the harbinger of the companions

TheLegend27: a nightingale of nocturnal

TheLegend27: a member of the thieves guild

TheLegend27: and a student at the college of winterhold

TheLegend27: literally everything went to shit at once everywhere so cut me some fucking slack

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: …

<Sands_of_the_Alik’r> logged off

BABS: I think you broke him!

TheLegend27: whoops

<Sands_of_the_Alik’r> logged on

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: You didn’t.

BABS: aww

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Babette, why.

BABS: hey I want to hear how our Listener wound up in so much shit

TheLegend27: oh yeah and im the dragonborn

TheLegend27: i think that covers everything

<death_comes> logged on

death_comes: How hypocritical of you, Nazir.

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: WHAT THE

death_comes: He just looked at his phone and swore out loud.

death_comes: To quote: “By Sithis’ hairy nipples.”

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: Okay that’s not a curse in the sense you’re thinking of and also you’re dead.

death_comes: Indeed I am, and as a matter of fact I can confirm that Sithis does not, in fact, have hairy nipples.

death_comes: They’re actually quite smooth.

Sands_of_the_Alik’r: I did not need to know that.

BABS: ...I’m gonna go do the contract in Morrowind now

TheLegend27: why morrowind

BABS: it’s as far as I can get away from here

TheLegend27: i would say take me with you but im pretty sure im needed elsweyr

BABS: hey if you go to Elsweyr do the contract we have there

TheLegend27: not that elsweyr i meant

TheLegend27: ugh nevermind

TheLegend27: ill be in winterhold if anyone needs me

<TheLegend27> logged off

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: hey wait one last thing

BABS: what?

TheLegend27: @stabbystab hey do you want to stab someone for me

stabbystab: anything for the listener! {:^)

TheLegend27: ok i need you to go to the college of winterhold and stab the thalmor agent named ancano asap

stabbystab: ok!!!!

<stabbystab> logged off

BABS: are you sure this is a good idea

Sands_of_the_Alik'r: Cicero unsupervised or sending him to the College of Winterhold?

TheLegend27: yes

<stabbystab> logged on

stabbystab: they wont let poor cicero in {:^(

TheLegend27: damn

TheLegend27: wait how the fuck did you get there already

stabbystab: cicero borrowed your horse {:^)

<Shadowmere> logged on

Shadowmere: NEIGH.

death_comes: It's good to see you too, Shadowmere.

TheLegend27: wait

TheLegend27: who the fuck added the horse

Shadowmere: NEIGH.

TheLegend27: not that im complaining but 

death_comes: She says she added herself.

TheLegend27: ok follow up question

TheLegend27: when did you learn to speak horse

death_comes: Sometime after I was brutally murdered for the crimes of another and joined the Dread Father in the Void, why?

TheLegend27: ok this is the first ive heard of how you got killed i want the details

death_comes: No, you don't.

BABS: you definitely don't we heard what happened even in Skyrim

BABS: it was bad even for us

death_comes: "Bad" is putting it lightly.

Sands_of_the_Alik'r: Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't hear about what happened in Cheydinhal.

Sands_of_the_Alik'r: What happened there... it's one of the reasons we're a lot more selective with members these days.

TheLegend27: ok but what happened there im curious

death_comes: If any of you wish to explain, do so. Summon me if you need me.

<death_comes> logged off

Chapter Text

ANCANO IS A CRAZED BALLSACK OF FERMENTING MOON SUGAR

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: idk who renamed the chat but i agree wholeheartedly

meow: yee

Questionable: but seriously shit is going down

Questionable: i repeat shit is going down

TheLegend27: of course it is

TheLegend27: let me guess its going to end in anyone remotely qualified for the position of arch mage dying and ill somehow get the job because nobody else wants it

Questionable: that was oddly specific are you ok

TheLegend27: define ok

Questionable: i have no idea

meow: oh hang on someones talking in the main chat

<meow> logged off

<Questionable> logged off

TheLegend27: i mean ok

TheLegend27: wait

<TheLegend27> logged off

Private Conversation Between <Mira-Bell> and <TheLegend27>

Mira-Bell: Are you back in the College yet

TheLegend27: running through winterhold as we sp

<TheLegend27> logged off

Mira-Bell: Are you kidding me right now

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: sorry tripped whats new

Mira-Bell: Get to the Hall of Elements. Now

Mira-Bell: We have a situation

TheLegend27: im gonna take a wild guess its involving ancano

Mira-Bell: Unfortunately, you’re absolutely correct

Mira-Bell: Did you at least find the Synod

TheLegend27: most of them were dead but yeee

TheLegend27: i think i know where the staff of magnus is

Mira-Bell: Where

TheLegend27: somewhere called labyrinthian

<TheLegend27> logged off

ANCANO IS A CRAZED BALLSACK OF FERMENTING MOON SUGAR

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: yall should come with me to find the staff of magnus

meow: sure jzargo will come lets go where are we going

TheLegend27: labyrinthian

Questionable: haha no unlike you two i have a sense of self preservation

Questionable: have fun try not to die ill try and keep people from stupidly sacrificing themselves to buy more time

TheLegend27: please do i can think of several people who would do that off the top of my head

Questionable: good luck

<Questionable> logged off

TheLegend27: so jzargo where are you ill come find you and then we need to book it

meow: hall of attainment grabbing some things and then lets gooo

TheLegend27: sounds good

<TheLegend27> logged off

<meow> logged off

Chapter Text

Nightingales of Nocturnal

<TheLegend27> logged on

Chatroom renamed to [THE KEY IS RETURNED AND MERCER CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF]

TheLegend27: @all get in here plz i have a long ride back home and my horse isnt very good company

<nighteyes> logged on

<redhead> logged on

redhead: sorry lass, I’ve got important things to do. we’ll speak another time

TheLegend27: what

redhead: what

<redhead> logged off

TheLegend27: that was the most confusing exchange of my life and im in a group chat with a jester an underage vampire a murdery ghost and another assassin

TheLegend27: also my horse

nighteyes: um

TheLegend27: yes my horse is in a group chat her names shadowmere and she has glowing red eyes

nighteyes: be honest with me here

TheLegend27: ok

nighteyes: what are you on

TheLegend27: actually nothing right now

TheLegend27: i might have been on skooma when we were fighting mercer but thats irrelevant

nighteyes: maybe but it explains a lot

TheLegend27: anyway are you doing ok

nighteyes: i think so

nighteyes: why

TheLegend27: i think id be pretty messed up after running into the ghost of my significant other so

nighteyes: oh

nighteyes: yes im fine but thanks for asking

TheLegend27: aight

TheLegend27: brb my horse is being stubborn and were both hungry

<TheLegend27> logged off

nighteyes: honestly thats the most normal sentence youve said all day

nighteyes: well maybe not the most normal but

nighteyes: never mind

<ProfessionalThief> logged on

nighteyes: !!!

ProfessionalThief: By the Shadows, it worked!

ProfessionalThief: Karliah, is that you?

nighteyes: um

nighteyes: yes

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: horse is fed and less likely to trample me to death in my sleep now

TheLegend27: wait whos this douchebag

ProfessionalThief: Clearly, I’m Mercer.

ProfessionalThief: Apparently, there's reception in Evergloam.

TheLegend27: what the fuck karliah said she removed you

nighteyes: um about that

TheLegend27: you didnt remove mercer

TheLegend27: i thought we were friends

nighteyes: no not that

TheLegend27: true you cant change your username

nighteyes: do you remember when i said gallus obviously wouldnt be logging in

TheLegend27: ye

TheLegend27: why

ProfessionalThief: ...

TheLegend27: wait

TheLegend27: what

TheLegend27: what the fuck

TheLegend27: you know what imma take my chances with the demon horse

<TheLegend27> logged off

ProfessionalThief: I like her.

WE PUT THE SASS IN ASSASSINATION (AND ALSO THE ASS)

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: anything new

Shadowmere: NEIGH.

death_comes: That's a no.

TheLegend27: ok but seriously how can you understand shadowmere

death_comes: It's... complicated.

Shadowmere: NEIGH.

death_comes: Agreed.

TheLegend27: teach me teach me

Shadowmere: NEIGH.

death_comes: Well, unless you want to be sent to the Void prematurely... and that can be arranged...

TheLegend27: tbh ive sold my soul to so many things at this point idk where ill be going when i die so not today sithis

death_comes: Good choice. Dying is... painful.

Shadowmere: NEIGH.

death_comes: Fuck off, you couldn't die if you tried.

Chapter Text

Embrace the Void

<death_comes> logged on

death_comes: @all By any chance do any of you want to be a spectral assassin for a few days? I need a break.

FutureVision: I’ll do it, I miss everyone.

death_comes: Wait, hang on.

death_comes: That’s a thing you can do? You can be a spectral assassin while the people you knew in life are still alive?

FutureVision: as far as I know, ye

death_comes: Well, I missed a golden opportunity to rant at the surviving members of my Sanctuary for thinking I was the traitor for some odd reason…

death_comes: Damn it.

FutureVision: I mean, I might be wrong?

death_comes: @DreadFather Can Gabriella take my place for a bit? The current Listener is… honestly rather annoying.

death_comes: @DreadFather Are you there?

DreadFather: I am always here.

death_comes: ...oh.

DreadFather: I see no reason why not, although Lucien, I must warn you that if you remain in the Void for any period of time, you may have a visitor.

death_comes: What.

DreadFather: An… old friend of yours, I believe.

death_comes: I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.

DreadFather: Oh, you will.

DreadFather: ;)

death_comes: ...I’m so confused right now. All my friends are dead, this has been established. Most of them are here.

DreadFather: Depends on your definition of death… but you shall see. Do remind our mutual friend that the Void is still waiting for her. :)

death_comes: Sure. Alright. I still don’t know who you mean…

DreadFather: You will. In any case, Gabriella.

FutureVision: ye?

DreadFather: Do you wish to temporarily take Lucien’s place as the Spectral Assassin of the Dawnstar Sanctuary?

FutureVision: ye sure

DreadFather: It is done. Let me or Lucien know when you’re ready to switch back.

FutureVision: got it!

FutureVision: wait hold on what is this

<FutureVision> logged off

death_comes: That would be the Listener summoning you, although she probably won't notice the difference for a bit. She's a little oblivious.

DreadFather: Now, down to business.

DreadFather: Good luck.

death_comes: Wait, with what?

<death_comes> logged off

Private Conversation between <MAD_CHEESE> and <death_comes>

<death_comes> logged on

MAD_CHEESE: AAAAAAAAAA LUCI IT’S BEEN TOO LONG

death_comes: Who the fuck is this is this.

MAD_CHEESE: LUCIENNNN ITS ME

death_comes: The above question still stands.

MAD_CHEESE: the last one you recruited before That Bastard Matheiu Bellamont happened

MAD_CHEESE: the one who you tried to recruit in the middle of the night and nearly didn't because I was lying butt-naked on top of the sheets

death_comes: !!!

MAD_CHEESE: yeah it’s me! GOOD TO SEE YOU LUCI!

death_comes: 1) Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean you or anyone gets to call me Luci.

MAD_CHEESE: awww fiiiiiiine

death_comes: 2) How the fuck did you change your username, and why cheese.

MAD_CHEESE: short version, I mantled SHEOGORATH! inherited the account, lol, jyggalag had to make a new one. or maybe he died im not sure. so call me momma sheo now idk. or daddy sheo that whole gender thing is complicated and idk anymore~!

death_comes: I am NOT calling you Daddy Sheo.

MAD_CHEESE: momma sheo then?

death_comes: NO!

MAD_CHEESE: awww~

death_comes: Still no, and here I was thinking you were crazy before you mantled the Madgod...

Fuck the World

<FutureVision> logged on

FutureVision: I don’t know who named the chat but I applaud you whoever you are

BABS: GABRIELLA???

FutureVision: oh yeah I’m filling in for Lucien, he needed a break.

FutureVision: how’s life?

BABS: Gabriella

BABS: Gabriella I am an undead vampire child I haven’t been alive for a long time

FutureVision: touche

FutureVision: how's death?

BABS: great, actually! you?

FutureVision: void's pretty sweet, although I miss going on contracts. and you guys. so I'm back for a bit. might be able to convince Festus to take a turn at some point.

BABS: YES I MISS THAT OLD FART

FutureVision: I can tell him you said that if you want

BABS: NO

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: wtf why are dead people logging onto everything now

Chapter Text

THE SQUAD

<mmmmmagic> logged on

Chatroom renamed to [Mage Rage]

ilikemagic: savos why

mmmmmagic: You have to admit it’s better than the last one!

ilikemagic: marginally

ilikemagic: but fine ill leave it until were back from labyrinthian since it rhymes

mmmmmagic: @all Come ON guys!

<LightLizard> logged on

LightLizard: what’s going on

mmmmmagic: Atmah and I are waiting for the rest of you to get here so we can actually go to Labyrinthian already.

LightLizard: oh fuck that’s today

LightLizard: fuck alright give me a minute

<LightLizard> logged off

<IcyFists> logged on

IcyFists: someone should prob tell her what fuck actually means

mmmmmagic: I mean, we should…

IcyFists: but youre not going to

ilikemagic: but were not going to

mmmmmagic: What she said.

IcyFists: remind me why i still hang out with you lot

ilikemagic: bc you dont exactly have other options

mmmmmagic: Because we’re your friends.

mmmmmagic: Atmah…

ilikemagic: i mean its true

IcyFists: its both although im reconsidering your friend status atmah

ilikemagic: aww you know you love me <3

IcyFists: look are you lot going to get here anytime soon or what

<VALENWOOD_PRIDE!> logged on

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: yo what

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: where

mmmmmagic: Other side of the College bridge.

ilikemagic: other side of the college bridge

IcyFists: labyrinthian

mmmmmagic: Wait, what?

IcyFists: ive been waiting for hours whats taking you lot so long

ilikemagic: hafnar

IcyFists: what

ilikemagic: hafnar we said to meet outside of the college

IcyFists: oh

IcyFists: fuck

<LightLizard> logged on>

LightLizard: hey should I grab Elvali she’s still sleeping

ilikemagic: ya sure

LightLizard: fucking sweet see you soon

<LightLizard> logged off

IcyFists: we really should tell her what that means

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: NO

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: let Takes-In-Light say fuck 4K whatever year it is now

mmmmmagic: Girduin, really?

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: no but seriously what year is it

ilikemagic: are you kidding me right now

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: no I’m bosmering you

mmmmmagic: ...

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: wait, is that not how it works

ilikemagic: no

IcyFists: no

mmmmmagic: No.

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: oh

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: ok :(

mmmmmagic: Wait a minute…

VALENWOOD_PRIDE!: wait it doesn’t work like that? :D

mmmmmagic: No!

mmmmmagic: Well, maybe, I’m not sure either but I’m not talking about that.

mmmmmagic: Atmah, are you seeing what I’m seeing?

ilikemagic: hOLY SHIT

IcyFists: what are you lot seeing

mmmmmagic: …

mmmmmagic: @LightLizard When I said to grab Elvali, I did NOT mean it literally.

<LightLizard> logged on

LightLizard: wait, you didn’t

LightLizard: fuck Tamrielic is so confusing

<aaaaaaaaaaa> logged on

aaaaaaaaaaa: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW

IcyFists: for once your username is appropriate

mmmmmagic: @LightLizard Do us all a favor and stop typing until you’re across the bridge.

LightLizard: why the fuck should I though

mmmmmagic: BECAUSE YOU’RE WALKING ACROSS A NARROW BRIDGE WITH ELVALI THROWN OVER YOUR SHOULDER FOR SOME REASON AND NOT LOOKING WHERE YOU’RE GOING. THAT’S WHY.

ilikemagic: damn dad friend much

mmmmmagic: Shut up.

Mage Rage

<mmmmmagic> logged on

mmmmmagic: FUCK.

mmmmmagic: @all I know there’s no way you can hear me, but…

mmmmmagic: I’m sorry. This was a terrible idea, we never… we never should have come here. We should have known better, but… we didn’t, and now…

mmmmmagic: Now I’m the only one left.

mmmmmagic: I’m sorry.

mmmmmagic: I’m so, so sorry.

mmmmmagic: I know I can never make things right, but I can make sure this never happens again.

mmmmmagic: Without the torc, it’s impossible to get inside where we did.

mmmmmagic: I’ll take it to my grave if I have to.

mmmmmagic: I’m so sorry…

Chatroom name changed to [The Squad]

<mmmmmagic> left [The Squad]

Chapter Text

College Main Chat

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: so how fucked are we on a scale of one to both dibella and sanguine taking an interest

myalembic: yes.

TheLegend27: fuck that bad

myalembic: the Arch-Mage and Mirabelle are dead, so I’d say so.

TheLegend27: nooooo i liked mirabelle

myalembic: did you at least get the Staff of Magnus? because if not, Dibella won’t be able to compare to the amount of fucked we’ll be.

TheLegend27: holy shit you cursed

myalembic: in case you haven’t noticed we’re having a bit of a disaster here.

myalembic: did you get it or didn’t you?

TheLegend27: ya i got it

TheLegend27: where is everyone

myalembic: fighting for their lives, most likely. if nothing else, I can join you in retaking the College. I’m not certain anyone else can.

TheLegend27: great meet me by the bridge

TheLegend27: and actually hang on

myalembic: what now?

TheLegend27: you mind if i call in a friend of mine to help deal with ancano

TheLegend27: hes no mage but hes fucking deadly and we probably are going to need fucking deadly

TheLegend27: also fucking crazy but i can live with him for a bit

myalembic: he certainly can’t mess things up any more. go ahead.

TheLegend27: great ill get him to meet us by the bridge in a few min

myalembic: he’s… that close by?

TheLegend27: that and hes really fast when assassination is involved he probably gets a hard on from it

myalembic: I… did not need to know that but alright.

TheLegend27: brb

<TheLegend27> logged off

Private Conversation between <TheLegend27> and <stabbystab>

TheLegend27: hey cicero you wanna stab someone

stabbystab: oh YES, Listener! {:^D

TheLegend27: alright meet me at the bridge to the college of winterhold

TheLegend27: dont stab anyone other than the person i tell you to please i dont want to explain that

stabbystab: aww… {:^(

TheLegend27: i mean it cicero

TheLegend27: i want you to stab one person and i want you to make his death as painful as possible

TheLegend27: me and an old man will be helping

TheLegend27: i do not want this old man dead and i do not want this old man to know im involved in the dark brotherhood rn so no calling me listener when hes around aight

stabbystab: oh, Cicero can do that~ {>:^D

TheLegend27: great see you soon

Private Conversation between <myalembic> and <TheLegend27>

myalembic: well, I can’t say that Ancano didn’t deserve it but I could have done without seeing that…

TheLegend27: what the psijic or cicero

myalembic: the crazed jester you brought in to kill Ancano.

TheLegend27: thats cicero

myalembic: he has a name???

TheLegend27: well of course he does

TheLegend27: and while i wont deny hes batshit crazy hes undeniably useful and id rather keep him from joining the dark brotherhood or something idk

TheLegend27: wouldnt want that to happen now would we

<mother-of-night> logged on

mother-of-night: no, of course not ;)

Chapter Text

TALOS YO!

stone-fist: Can we all agree that my brother is a prick

Fearless: yeee

FUSRODIE: I mean, he’s a prick but he pays his taxes…

stone-fist: He’s still a prick.

Fearless: ok but what I want to know is

Fearless: why am I still the only one on besides you two

FUSRODIE: I don’t know, I gave everyone instructions on how to log in…

<StormCrown> logged on

FUSRODIE: FINALLY! Welcome, Stormcloak! Good to see a new face around here! What’s your name, son?

StormCrown: ummmm

StormCrown: Hjalti

stone-fist: Bit of a Talos fan, aye? Don’t worry, we’re all dirty Talos worshippers here.

StormCrown: you could say that, yeah

StormCrown: speaking of Talos, though…

Fearless: what about him

StormCrown: wouldn’t he be pissed off at the way the Dunmer are treated here? I mean, there are stories about an aspect of him meeting their Nerevarine on his way to fight Dagoth Ur, and I mean…

stone-fist: I never heard those stories…

Fearless: yeah me either

FUSRODIE: Look, Hjalti. We’re here to discuss battle tactics, not economic issues. I’ll gladly deal with that once the war’s over. In the meantime, Talos would want us to fight the Aldmeri Dominion. If you want to do something on your own, feel free.

stone-fist: Aye, please beat up my brother. He has it coming.

stone-fist: And wait, talking about your lack of a love life since the Great War is battle tactics?

FUSRODIE: GALMAR.

StormCrown: you’re right, Talos would want you to fight the Aldmeri Dominion, but he wouldn’t want you to do it at the cost of your own people. all of your own people. Dunmer, Nord, Argonian... everyone

StormCrown: that, Ulfric, is why your war is doomed to fail if you don’t begin changing things right now

StormCrown: and while I’d rather you not fail, the Thalmor are doomed to collapse eventually. I can wait. it’s up to you whether you’re around for their destruction or not.

FUSRODIE: EXCUSE YOU JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???

FUSRODIE: THAT’S JARL ULFRIC TO YOU!

StormCrown: maybe you should get your head out of your arse and start acting like one, then

stone-fist: I like this kid.

<StormCrown> was removed from [TALOS YO!]

stone-fist: Awww…

Fearless: …

stone-fist: Well I think we know why nobody else is joining the chat now…

FUSRODIE: Galmar.

stone-fist: Ulfric.

FUSRODIE: You’re lucky I couldn’t do this without you.

stone-fist: You’re lucky I haven’t brought up Rikke yet. :)

FUSRODIE: OKAY THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.

<StormCrown> logged on

stone-fist: Lol what the fuck?

StormCrown: removing me from the chat certainly was. I am trying to help you, Ulfric. don’t blow this for yourself

<StormCrown> was removed from [TALOS YO!]

<StormCrown> logged on

<StormCrown> was removed from [TALOS YO!]

<StormCrown> logged on

StormCrown: fine, fine, I’ll leave. I think you’ll be regretting that later, but fine.

StormCrown: I said my name was Hjalti? it was, long ago. Hjalti Early-Beard.

<StormCrown> logged off

Fearless: HOLY SHIT

FUSRODIE: WHAT IS IT NOW???

Fearless: DO NEITHER OF YOU KNOW WHO HJALTI EARLY-BEARD WAS???

FUSRODIE: WHO THE FUCK WAS HJALTI EARLY-BEARD???

stone-fist: ULFRIC ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

stone-fist: HJALTI EARLY-BEARD WAS TALOS YOU DAFT BUGGER

FUSRODIE: WAIT WHAT

FUSRODIE: WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A LEGEND

stone-fist: THE DRAGONBORN WAS JUST A LEGEND A FEW MONTHS AGO

Private Conversation between <StormCrown> and <SKYnareth>

StormCrown: I still can’t believe you made your username a pun

SKYnareth: i did this ages ago bitch and im still not sure what i was thinking tbh

SKYnareth: like if i was gonna do anything i should have done skyne

StormCrown: that’s worse

SKYnareth: ya true

SKYnareth: so howd the talk with your champions go

StormCrown: well I’m hoping I freaked out Stormcloak enough to get him to be at least a little more concerned about how everyone not a Nord is treated in Windhelm :/

SKYnareth: u r in no position to talk bitch u were the same way

StormCrown: ...okay listen everyone makes mistakes and I grew from them

SKYnareth: >:)

StormCrown: if I’d known that Kyne was like this I would never have wanted to become a god tbh

SKYnareth: too late now u r stuck with us

SKYnareth: forever

StormCrown: way to be creepy, but you’re not wrong.

StormCrown: anyway, I’m gonna go back and see what happens

SKYnareth: lol aight

TALOS YO!

<StormCrown> logged on

stone-fist: So Ulfric’s still having an existential crisis right now but otherwise alright.

stone-fist: Wait fuck you’re not Ralof.

StormCrown: no, I believe he’s also having an existential crisis, although a lesser one

stone-fist: Oh. Okay.

stone-fist: I just… are you actually, you know…?

StormCrown: Talos?

stone-fist: Aye.

StormCrown: the short answer is yes

stone-fist: ...I’ll see what I can do to get Ulfric to be less of a general and more of a Jarl, I’m the one person he can’t replace.

StormCrown: too right

StormCrown: but I do believe the Stormcloaks can win, and drive out the Thalmor. nothing against the Empire, but… well, it’s kind of been dying since my line ended

stone-fist: You know, for a god you’re really reasonable.

StormCrown: it gets better with age

Chapter Text

FUCK THE STORMCLOAKS

<GENERAL> logged on

GENERAL: i dont know who renamed the chatroom but i approve

honor: me, who else?

GENERAL: touche

Just-a-Nord: Um… Legate, can I ask you something?

honor: why wouldn’t you be able to, this is a public chatroom for the entire Legion, you're supposed to be asking questions

Just-a-Nord: Right.

Just-a-Nord: So… I heard from a friend of a friend that his cousin is a Stormcloak.

GENERAL: traitor

Just-a-Nord: I’m… not done yet.

GENERAL: continue please im curious

Just-a-Nord: Got it.

Just-a-Nord: In any case this Stormcloak cousin apparently swears up and down that, uh…

honor: what is it, soldier?

Just-a-Nord: I’m not sure this is a good idea…

honor: oh no

honor: please tell me this isn’t what I think it is

GENERAL: if it embarasses rikke im all ears she has far too much blackmail on me already

<titties> logged on

titties: she was fucking ulfric stormcloak during the great war ;)

<titties> logged off

honor: who the fuck was that

GENERAL: rikke

GENERAL: were you and ulfric stormcloak really

honor: yes. everyone makes mistakes.

Just-a-Nord: HOLY SHIT!

GENERAL: damn that was colder than atmora in winter

honor: I meant what I said.

honor: now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find whoever ‘titties’ is.

<honor> logged off

Private Conversation between <titties> and <LoveYourself>

titties: so i tried

LoveYourself: Any luck?

titties: luck had nothing to do with it

titties: my tits mara that romance is completely frigid by now

LoveYourself: But they’re both so ALONE!

titties: theyre also on opposite sides of a war

titties: and mara dear this particular war will most certainly end with one or both of them dead

LoveYourself: :’(

titties: mara you are not doing this to me

titties: if you want to fan the flames of a love that hasnt been there in decades be my guest

titties: youd be much better off picking one side of the war or the other

titties: or you could just stay out of it entirely thats the smart thing to do

LoveYourself: It’s still SAD!

titties: mara i know trust me

titties: if it makes you feel any better theyre both nords and theyll most likely meet again in sovngarde eventually and possibly fall in love again there assuming the dragonborn actually does her fucking job

LoveYourself: !!!

titties: mara did that not occur to you

LoveYourself: Um.

titties: things like this are why we need two goddesses of love

titties: one like you to be altogether too sappy and oblivious

LoveYourself: This is true.

titties: and one like me to handle the other side of things

titties: we balance each other out

titties: but anyway

titties: trying to set up ulfric and rikke is a terrible idea mara

LoveYourself: :’(

titties: at least wait until theyre both dead and cant fuck up the world any more

titties: in the meantime you should try making the dragonborn fall in love with someone

LoveYourself: But then it wouldn’t be genuine!

titties: my fucking tits mara

titties: if you pay attention its quite clear who has feelings for her and unless shes a really good actress she reciprocates them

LoveYourself: So you’re saying…

titties: go for it mara

titties: make love happen its what youre best at

LoveYourself: :D

LoveYourself: Be right back!

<LoveYourself> logged off

titties: yep seeya in a month or so

titties: lets be honest we both know when you get invested in the love lives of mortals you cant get uninvested for a while

titties: then again im in no position to judge

Chapter Text

Nightingales of Nocturnal

<redhead> logged on

TheLegend27: oh hi bryn did you finally get done with your important things

<redhead> logged off

TheLegend27: told you karliah

TheLegend27: hes ignoring me

nighteyes: you should ignore him then >:)

TheLegend27: karliah you are a fucking genius >:)

nighteyes: i try >:)

<ProfessionalThief> logged on

ProfessionalThief: What did I miss?

nighteyes: brynjolf

nighteyes: again

ProfessionalThief: I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t read up yet, to be honest.

ProfessionalThief: I bet his reaction when he finds out will be amazing.

TheLegend27: coughimstillnotusedtothefactthattheresadeadguyinourchatcough

ProfessionalThief: You’re a member of the Dark Brotherhood and I know they utilize Spectral Assassins. This is no different.

nighteyes: wait what

TheLegend27: how the fuck do you know that only delvin knows

TheLegend27: i think

ProfessionalThief: I have my ways. :)

ProfessionalThief: Speaking of which, I’m almost tempted to log into the main chat just to see everyone’s reactions.

TheLegend27: dont

nighteyes: gallus please dont i dont think that would go well

nighteyes: how would we even explain that

TheLegend27: i was going to say that im still questioning basically everything about this myself but yeah listen to karliah

TheLegend27: what do i know about ghosts ahaha

<redhead> logged on

ProfessionalThief: And that, I believe, is my cue to leave. :)

<ProfessionalThief> logged off

redhead: wait what THE FUCK

redhead: GALLUS???

nighteyes: well would you look at the time i suddenly have a very important job i have to do in

nighteyes: windhelm

nighteyes: yeah windhelm i definitely didnt just get it from delvin two seconds ago nope

TheLegend27: if a couple of angry nords start yelling at you and calling you names by all means punch them i always do at least once when im there

nighteyes: they cant yell at me if they cant see me ;)

<nighteyes> logged off

redhead: what the fuck is going on???

TheLegend27: sorry lad ive got important things to do well speak another time

<TheLegend27> logged off

redhead: ...really?

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: yep

<TheLegend27> logged off

redhead: ok look lass, I’ve actually been busy lately. Really busy.

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27:  ……………...../´¯/)
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………………………....(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)
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<TheLegend27> logged off

redhead: that’s… actually really impressive lass

<TheLegend27> logged on

TheLegend27: thanks

TheLegend27: i got it from sapphire

redhead: why am I not surprised?

TheLegend27: ……………......./´¯/)
………………....…………….....,/¯../
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……………………..………./´¯/’…’/´¯¯`·¸
…………………………../’/…/…./……./¨¯\
………………………....(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)
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………………………...….”…\………. _.·´
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<TheLegend27> logged off

redhead: lass…

Private Conversation between <LoveYourself> and <redhead>

LoveYourself: Try Nightingale Hall. :)

redhead: ok…?

redhead: wait who the fuck are you and how the fuck do you know about Nightingale Hall

LoveYourself: I don’t actually know where it is or what it is, although I can guess. :)

LoveYourself: You’d have much better chances, of course, if you stopped brushing her off every time she tried to talk to you.

redhead: i don’t…

redhead: oh

redhead: oh SHIT

LoveYourself: :) Another loving romance saved, courtesy of Mara~

<LoveYourself> logged off

redhead: WAIT WHAT

Private Conversation between <ProfessionalThief> and <nighteyes>

nighteyes: lol they remind me of us

ProfessionalThief: Well, as far as I’m aware, you never resorted to copy-pasting middle finger emojis into the chat to get my attention.

nighteyes: t(^-^t)

ProfessionalThief: I stand corrected.

ProfessionalThief: Did you just… make that up on the spot?

nighteyes: yee t(^-^t)

ProfessionalThief: I love you so much.

Private Conversation between <redhead> and <TheLegend27>

redhead: lass I can see you up there. you literally look like you're about to fall six feet and break your head open on the ground.

redhead: I for one would much rather you didn't fall six feet and break your head open on the ground.

TheLegend27: go fuck yourself

redhead: I'll consider it if you get down from there.

TheLegend27: no

redhead: you're going to fall.

TheLegend27: im the motherfucking dragonborn im not going to fall

redhead: what does that have to do with anything

TheLegend27: idk what does you not giving a shit about me in the least these days have to do with anything

redhead: lass, you don't really think that.

TheLegend27: oh yeah

TheLegend27: bitch please

TheLegend27: youve never given a shit about me its always been the guild this and the guild that

TheLegend27: well fuck the guild

TheLegend27: i thought you actually gave a shit about me once but no

TheLegend27: the instant the guilds back on its feet you suddenly dont have time to even so much as say hello

TheLegend27: instead its always sorry lass ive got important things to do well speak another time

redhead: lass... the Guild is important to me, yes, but that doesn't mean you're not

TheLegend27: bullshit ive never meant anything to you

TheLegend27: so go fuck yourse

<TheLegend27> logged off

Nightingales of Nocturnal

<redhead> logged on

redhead: @nighteyes KARLIAH I KNOW YOU SAID YOU HAD A JOB IN WINDHELM BUT PLEASE I NEED YOU NOW