Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

June 3rd
Dear Connor Murphy,

I’m graduating from college today. It doesn’t feel right. Nothing feels right anymore. It’s like, ever since the Connor Project ended, everything has just been...unreal. It’s Jared and I’s third year since we’ve gotten together That doesn’t feel right either. I don’t know why I said yes when he asked me out. I think I felt bad for what happened between us with the Connor Project.

I think I hate my life. Ever since my senior year when everything collapsed under my feet. I don’t know why I’m writing to you. You’re dead. Just because I’m in love with you, it doesn’t mean you’re any less dead than before. Believe me, I know that better than anybody. I just feel like there was so much I missed. We could have been great, Connor.

Your family called me up about a year ago, saying that they found your diary. I knew immediately what they were talking about because you’d been carrying it everywhere since the eighth grade. What I didn’t know right then was why they were telling me about it. It didn’t make any sense because they were very well aware of the fact that you and I were never really friends. But when I came by to pick it up, I understood.

Each diary entry was written to me. You would write about how much you loved me, never knowing I loved you back. Goddamnit, Connor. Do you see what we could have been? If I only had enough courage to tell you how I felt?

This was stupid. I shouldn't have written to you. Not after everything I’ve done. Goodbye, Connor. I love you.

Sincerely,
Me

Jared picked me up and spun me around, “My boyfriend’s a college graduate!” he sang

I smiled and tried to act happy. He set me down and his hands traveled down to grip my waist. He moved closer until we were almost touching and leaned down to kiss me. Jared had grown to be much taller than me since high school.

I kissed him back even though I didn’t want to.

I broke the kiss first, “So are you,” I pointed out

Jared chuckled at that, “So I am,” he agreed

Jared kissed me again while backing me into the couch where he pushed me onto. I didn’t smile as he did so. I didn’t want to do this. I guess Jared caught on because he frowned, concerned.

“Ev, what’s wrong?” he asked, stroking my cheek with his thumb

I tensed, “Nothing. No, I just, um, I’m tired” I lied

My anxiety hadn’t gotten any better since high so it still leaked into my speech.

“Do you want to go to bed?”

I nodded.

I couldn’t sleep that night. Jared lay next to me, snoring aggressively, but that wasn’t what was keeping me up. It was because right after the graduation ceremony, Jared and I had drove back with my mom and slept over there since it was closer.

Now, I was back in the house I grew up in. In the same bed I woke up in for eighteen years and staring at the same glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. God, it was so weird to be home. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been home since I started college. No, I’ve been back plenty of times. So what was it, then?

I blinked.

Suddenly it was light outside. I looked around frantically. Had I fallen asleep the previous night? The bed was empty next to me. Where was Jared? I leaned back on my left arm the think for a moment and pain shot up my arm. I cried out and inspected my arm. It was covered in a white cast and Connor’s name was scribbled in a huge letters.

What the hell.

My breaths started getting shallower until I was hyperventilating. What was going on? Was this some sort of joke? Did Jared do this? I looked down at my clothes. I was no longer in an overly large hoodie of Jared’s or leggings, but in khakis and a blue striped polo. The stuff I used to wear back in high school. I started breathing even faster until I was in full blown panic attack mode with no Jared around to save me, something I had gotten too used to since we’d gotten together.

“Jared!” I gasped out

But nobody burst into my room to come to get me. I was on my own. I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down.

In...hold….out…

Eventually, it started working. I tried to think more calmly now. I got up and walked around my room, my body still shaking.

My old backpack sat next to my bed. I thought I’d gotten rid of it when I went to college. I reached inside it and found classroom syllabuses, policies, and rules that teachers give you on the first day of school. I looked at the dates of the papers.

September 1st.

I dropped the backpack and searched around my room nervously. High school textbooks were neatly stacked on my desk. World Geography, Calculus, English, Chemistry, Spanish 4…? These were all classes I took in my senior year of high school.

I whimpered in desperation. Was I going crazy? Possibly, considering I had Connor Murphy’s voice in my head up until I told the Murphy’s the truth. This couldn’t be happening. I mean, did I just go back in time?

I ran downstairs into the kitchen. On the counter was a $20 bill with a note attached.

Evan-
I can’t make it home for dinner tonight, but you better eat. No more skipping meals. I love you!
Love,
Mom

Just like how it was when I was in high school. Maybe this was real. Maybe I was back to the first day of twelfth grade, which meant…

Connor

This was the day he killed himself, overdosing in the park. Maybe there was still time. Maybe I could save him. I sprinted out of the house and to the park. It was only a few blocks away.

I got there in only a few minutes and searched around for Connor. At first I didn’t see anything. Maybe I was too late- but then I spotted him. He was sitting by the pond and he just swallowed and handful of pills, and chased them down with a big gulp of water from one of those plastic water bottles.

No!

I ran to him and fell to my knees. He looked at me, shocked, but I didn’t hesitate when I grabbed him and pried open his mouth. I stuck two fingers down his throat then let him go, letting his body do the rest of the work.

Connor threw up on the grass. I let myself have a minute to catch my breath then looked over at Connor.

Connor was gasping and panting but at least the pills were no longer in his body. When he had regained his composure he looked back at me and glared hatefully.

“What the fuck, Hansen!” he yelled

I crawled back from him, scared. I knew Connor had -has- issues with his anger, I’m no fool, but I wasn’t expecting him to react like this.

“I...I, I just, um, look, I know we, we got o-off on the, the wrong foot, b-but, Connor, I-I, um...I love you” I mumbled, thinking it was better to just be straight forward about it

“Excuse me?” he seemed more angry angry now, maybe he heard me wrong?

I twisted my shirt anxiously, “I, I said-”

“I heard what you said, Giselle. I’m not fucking deaf. What I don’t understand is how you expect me to believe that bullshit.”

“It’s true!”

“Like hell it is. Why’d you make me spit up the pills!”

“Because, because I’ve been there.”

Connor rolled his eyes but looked down at my broken arm in understanding, “You didn’t fall,” he said quietly, “You let go”

I nodded bitterly and picked up his water bottle, offering it to him. His mouth must have still tasted bad. He took it and rinsed his mouth.

“I understand what it’s like,” I told him, “I understand what it’s like to, to feel l-like nobody can see you, and that nobody w-would notice if you just disappear. L-look, I-I know you think I wrote that letter to, to, like make fun of you. But it’s actually, it’s a, a therapy assignment. I-I’m supposed to like, uh write letters to myself? ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today was an amazing day and here’s why’? A-and Zoe’s name was only in there as, well, as a cover-up for talking about you. I was really talking about you.”

By the time I finished, my cheeks were bright red in embarrassment. I looked agt Connor to respond but he only reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. My letter, I remembered.

He unfolded it, “‘Dear Evan Hansen, turns out this wasn’t an amazing day afterall. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because, why would it be?”

I had to look away as he continued to read it out loud. It was bringing back too much for me. I couldn’t help the tears that rolled down my cheeks, nor did I bother to wipe them away. Connor looked back at me when he finished. He moved closer and I looked back at him sadly.

He wrapped me in a hug, “Did you mean it? When you said you loved me?” his voice sounded insecure

I nodded and he hugged me tighter.

“I love you too” he whispered

‘I know’ I thought but at the same time, it felt so magical to hear Connor tell me it. Then everything hit me. Connor Murphy was alive. He was hugging me. Oh my god, he’s really here. I hugged him back tightly. This time, I wasn’t going to let him go.

He pulled away to study me, his eyes dropping down to my lips. My heartrate started increasing and I became all flushed again. He looked back to my eyes.

“Can I, can I kiss you?” he asked

And I nodded, but then I was frozen as he slowly leaned in. I couldn’t breath, but in a good way. It was like I’d never been kissed before. And when our lips softly brushed together, it was like he had wiped away years worth of Jared’s kisses until it was just Connor who had done this. I swear I felt sparks flying.

Then he pulled away nervously, a scared look in his eye. I was clueless until I realized I was so in awe of this moment that I had forgotten to kiss him back. I immediately fixed my mistake, wrapping my arms around his neck closing my eyes and leaning in.

My lips met his and this time, I kissed back.

Chapter Text

I looked at Connor and he stared right back at me, like we both couldn’t believe what just happened, and in some ways, I couldn’t. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that connor Murphy was living and breathing and smiling shyly at me.

Then Connor’s phone went off and the magic of the moment was gone. He scrambled to pick it up and answer it.

“What, Cynthia?” Connor growled

It amazed me how Connor could go from sweet and loving to aggressive and hateful in the blink of an eye.

“I’m fucking busy, I don’t want to eat dinner with the family”

“You should go” I interrupted

Connor shot me a glare and I instantly backede down and lowered my head.

“No, no, it’s nobody, just a friend...no he does not want to join us for dinner”

I had to do something to make this better. I knew Connor’s family didn’t understand him and that made them fight, but maybe, maybe I could help make it better. Maybe if they knew connor had a friend, they would get off his back a little.

Before I really knew what I was doing, I grabbed the phone from Connor and said “I would, um, l-love to come over for dinner, Mrs. Murphy” and then connor grabbed the phone from me and hung up

I looked at Connor nervously and he was furious. Uh oh.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!”

“I was just-” I tried

“Shut the fuck up, I don’t care!” he started towards me

I could feel myself shaking as I raised my arms over my head to protect myself. Nothing happened. I still didn’t lower my arms.

“Oh, Ev, wait, I-I wasn’t going to...oh god” Connor choked out

I lowered my arms slightly and peered at him. He was shaking too. I clutched my shirt anxiously and approached him slowly

“Connor, it’s , it’s okay, we a-all have our um...issues. I have my a-anxiety and, and y-you have...this”

Then I hugged him because, god, he needed it. I hugged him tight and he hugged me right back.

“Thank you” he whispered

Dinner with the Murphy’s went about as well as you would expect. Meaning it didn’t go well. At all.

Zoe was the one who answered the door since Connor left his keys in his room. I guess he wasn’t planning on needing them anymore-

She narrowed her eyes when she saw me, like she couldn’t believe I was here. I couldn’t believe it either. Here I was, standing on the front steps of the Murphy’s home, just like I had a million times before. Except I hadn’t. Things changed.

Zoe looked at me like I was a stranger. Like we hadn’t dated for months, or shared nights together. Now, I know what you're thinking: ‘Evan, you’ve always been in love with Connor, why on Earth would you date his sister?’ And I guess the answer to that is that it was the closest I could get to be with Connor. Was I ever attracted to her? No, not at all. I’m gay. Now you’re probably thinking, ‘Evan what the actual fuck, why have you been in so many relationships where you don’t even like the person?’ And the truth is, I don’t know. I really, truly, don’t.

But maybe things would be different now. Because this time, I had Connor. And this time, I love the person that I’m with.

“Evan?” Zoe asked in confusion

I gave her a nervous smile and moved closer to Connor. She noticed this and looked even more confused.

A woman rushed to the door. Cynthia. She was smiling gleefully at me. I felt a pang in my chest. I haven’t had her look at me like that since I told them the truth about the Connor Project. But now, there was no Connor Project because Connor was right here, standing next to me. Maybe this time, I’ll never see her look at me with hate in her eyes.

“Oh, you must be Connor’s friend! I’m Cynthia, his mom!” she wrapped me in a tight hug that made me squeak

Connor broke us apart, which I was grateful for because I couldn’t breathe.

“Can you, like, not kill Evan?” Connor asked bitterly

“Sorry, sweety,” she said to me

She led us inside and into the dining room. Connor had his arm around my waist, which, luckily, she didn’t notice. He let go as soon as we entered the dining room where Zoe took a seat. Larry Murphy was already seated at the head of the table.

“You’re late, Connor” was all he said

The only time I’d seen Larry act this cold was the night everything fell apart. Connor gave me a worried look and I realized I was frozen again. Maybe the dinner would be too much for my anxiety.

But Connor led me to a seat and I guess there was no backing out.

Connor sat me between him and Larry, which I understood, but it just made me more nervous.

“So, you’re Connor’s friend” Larry said

“Ah, um, y-yes, sir. My name’s Evan?”

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Evan”

I forced a small smile on my face. We ate in silence for a bit. Connor and I were holding hands under the table. We grabbed each others sweaty hands anxiously.

Zoe looked up from her plate, “If Connor’s, like, threatening you or something, just say it.”

“Zoe!” Cynthia gasped

“I-” but Zoe cut me off

“He yelled at you and pushed you to the ground today, and now suddenly you guys are friends?”

Connor closed his eyes for a moment. I gave him what was supposed to be a reassuring squeeze but it may have just made him more nervous.

“Connor, is that true?” Larry demanded

Connor didn’t say anything. He just stared at his plate and clutched his fork tightly with the hand that wasn’t holding mine. He looked like he was trying to stop himself from having an anger outburst of crying. I felt him shaking, and I used my other and to place on top of the one I was already holding.

“Is that true, Connor?” Larry asked louder

“Yes!”

Connor let go of his fork and my hand and pushed himself up from the table. He ran out of the dining room and upstairs. I tried to get up and followed him but Larry grabbed my wrist. It scared me when people touched me like that ad I tried to break away but Larry’s grip was too strong.

‘You don’t want to go up there right now” he said

As if to illustrate his point, a loud crash came from upstairs. I winced at the loud noise and slowly sat back down.

After ten minutes of hearing things crash and break and thump, it went silent. Then I heard a whimper. I guess Larry decided it was safe for me to go upstairs because he let go of my wrist.

I dashed up the stairs and into Connor’s room. I’d only ever seen it without Connor in it but now a quiet crying flooded out from the other side of the door. I rushed forward and opened it.

Connor’s room looked like a bomb had gone off in it. Books were scattered around the room, there were holes in the wall where he must have punched it. His lamp lay broken on the floor and his desk was knocked over.

Connor was sitting up against his bed, wrapping his foot in a bandage. I gasped and Connor looked up.

“Stepped on glass” he explained in a raspy voice

I nodded, not really knowing what to say. I’d only ever heard of connor’s outbursts, never experiencing them for myself. Until now.

“I’m sorry for pushing you and yelling at you today”

“I don’t care about that” I said quietly

Connor scoffed, “Of course you don’t”

I left without a word and walked to the closet down the hall, where I knew the Murphy’ kept a broom and a dustpan. I returned to Connor’s room and he looked surprised, like he thought I had actually just left.

I didn't speak as I began sweeping up the glass.

“Evan, don’t”

But I kept sweeping. Connor had enough going on right now. He didn’t need to worry about cleaning up too.

He sighed.

I stopped only when all the glass was swept away, everything was picked up off of the ground and standing upright.

I sat down on Connor's lap and hugged him. He didn’t react.

“Y-you didn’t lash vout at anybody” I pointed out quietly

“I wanted to”

I leaned my head against his chest, “We can work on that”

Connor lifted my head up by my chin and kissed me slowly. I smiled and kissed back.

He broke the kiss and looked at me sadly, “What happens when we’re in school?”

“What do you, what do you mean?”

“You know. What happens when we’re at school? Do you want to pretend not to know me? Are we going to keep this a secret?”

“W-why? Do you, are you e-embarrassed by me?” I leaned back from him but still remained in his lap, “A-am I a freak?” I asked, remembering what he said to me at school, “We don’t have to, like, tell anyone. We can keep it a secret. Don’t worry. I understand. I get it. It’s okay.” but my voice cracked

“No, no, no, no, angel, no, I just thought you wouldn't want people to know you hang out with me. But no, I’d love to make it public. I;m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry” he stroked my hair lovingly

“Oh” I whispered, relaxing and leaning back into his cheat

I woke up late the next morning. I guess I was too used to getting to wake up late in college.

“Evan! Hurry up!” mom called from the kitchen

I groaned and turned over, not opening my eyes. Then I felt a weight on my stomach and someone was kissing mew. I opened them.

Connor pulled away and smiled. His legs straddled my torso.

“Wake up, sleep head” he cooed

I smiled happily and tried to get up but Connor was too heavy. He realize and climbed off. I walked over my closet and pulled out a pair of black leggings. I had plenty of pairs back in high school, but until college, I was always too scared to wear them out of the house. That changed today. Then I pulled my grey hoodie off it’s hanger and looked back at Connor.

He stood still and I thought he wanted me to change in front of him before he turned bright red “Oh, right, sorry,” and scrambled out of the room, shutting the door

I slipped my clothes on, not bothering with a shirt underneath my hoodie. I didn’t have enough time for that. I brushed my teeth but not my hair, which left it sticking up at every angle. Oh well. It looked like I was in college again.

I rushed to the kitchen where Connor was sitting by himself.

“W-where’s my mom?”

“Had to leave for work”

“Why’re you here? Not that I don’t want you here but like I was just, you know, wondering?”

“Relax, angel, I’m your ride to school”

I smiled “Oh, um, thanks. We should probably go.”

Connor frowned “But you didn’t eat anything”

“I have a lunch” I lied

I never used to eat a lot in high school but during my college years, it had gotten worse. I hadn’t eaten at all graduation day or the rest of yesterday or today. I felt a little dizzy but honestly, thinking about eating made me sick.

He nodded and followed me out the front door which I shut and locked. We got in his car and I noticed all the seatbelts had been cut off.

This wasn’t safe. If we got into an accident, we would die.

We started down the road, fairly above the speed limit. Something I forgot to mention to Connor that I was afraid of cars. I guess I had forgotten it myself.

It was because Jared and I were driving home from a fraternity party and Jared was really drunk. We got into an accident with another car. Luckily nobody was hurt, but I had panicked really bad and have been afraid to get into a car since. Of course I have though. You can’t walk everywhere but my anxiety would always be pretty bad when I did.

And now that we had no seatbelts and Connor’s driving made me question whether or not he actually had a license, I had to shut my eyes and hug my knees to my chest.

We came to a stop but I still wouldn’t open my eyes. I could feel myself shaking.

“Hey, angel? What’s the matter? What’s wrong? We’re here baby. Are you afraid of cars? Baby, I’m sorry. It’s over now. No more driving. We’re here” he soothed

I opened my eyes slowly. Connor was looking at me worriedly. I looked around and sure enough, we were parked in the student lot.

I nodded and stepped out of the car, clutching tightly to the front of my hoodie. Connor got out after and made his way to my side of the car, wrapping me in a hug.

“You’re safe. Okay, angel?”

We nodded again and I pressed my lips to his.

I followed behind Connor into the school, making sure to hold his hand tightly. We were getting a lot of odd looks. Like they couldn’t believe I was with Connor or something. I kept my head down and moved closer to Connor. I hated having people watch me. It was really scary. Is this what Connor constantly felt like?

“So,” an all-too familiar voice said as Connor got his books from his locker, “I heard the school shooter was fucking you, Evan”

Connor and I both looked behind us to see Jared standing in the hallway. My face got bright red but I couldn't help gaping at him. He was so young. So much more childlike. I forgot how we used to be back in high school.

“Boy,” Connor said smoothly without missing a beat, “News does travel fast around here”

Jared ignored him and turned to me, “Better watch JD, Ronnie,”

That got me angry. I recognized his reference from an 80’s movies we watched together a few years ago. In college, it became ‘our’ movie.

“Better find a new crush, Ducky” I shot back

80’s chick flicks were always Jared’s guilty pleasure so I knew he understood it. It was a low blow, but honestly, I didn’t care. Jared had me at the end of my fuse.

Jared’s face matched mine in redness, “Fuck you, Evan”

He hurried away and Connor turned to me, smiling.

“Pretty in Pink? Really?” he raised an eyebrow

“Shut up” I laughed and shoved him playfully

He laughed too and grabbed me by my waist from behind. I squealed as he pressed a kiss to my neck. I twisted my neck to look back at Connor and he was smiling with this amazing shy smile. For the first time, the rest of the world got tuned out, like it wasn’t even there. And it was just Connor with his perfect laugh and his perfect smile. Everything was perfect.

Until reality came back.

“The psycho's got a boyfriend!” someone called out

Connor’s smile faded like a candle flickering out, leaving you in pitch darkness- your last hope for survival, slipping through your fingertips.

Connor lowered his head but pulled me close into a hug. I hugged him back. He pressed a kiss to my hair.

Luckily, the first bell rang so the other kids started making their way to class. I gave him a quick kiss but he still seemed so sad.

“Hey. You’re okay, r-right?” I tried to comfort him like he had to me in the car

He nodded but I could tell he wasn’t.

“I hate this” he said quietly

I wanted to cry then. This was one of the many reasons that he tried to kill himself. And it hurt so much to see him suffer like this.

I zoned out my entire first period. It was calculus and I already knew what we were learning. I heard the bell ring distantly. I was completely distracted with doodling in my notebook- I used to hate drawing but I took a class in college for the credits and now I have something to occupy the time- that I hadn’t noticed anyone had approached me.

“Hi, Evan! I’m Alana, we talked yesterday?”

I yelped in surprise. Alana Beck was standing right infront of my desk. When did she get there? It was so strange to see her smiling at me again, having no clue what happened when the Connor Project existed, what I manipulated her into.

Her wide smile vanished into concern.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just came over because I saw you hanging out with Connor.
That’s really sweet. He needed a friend. I would have done it, but we’re more like acquaintances.”

I felt myself getting annoyed, “He’s, he’s not some...some charity project that I took up to, like, f-feel good about myself,” I spat, knowing I was hitting her where it hurt, “I’m his friend- no, boyfriend because I-I want to be and we love each other.”

I covered my mouth immediately, “I don’t mean, that, that wasn’t, I-I, I’m, sorry I-”

“Save it, jerk. I know what you meant.”

She stormed out of the classroom, leaving me alone. I held my head in my hands and fought the urge to cry. It seemed like saving Connor was making me mess up all my other relationships with people, first Jared, now Alana.

Hands gently pulled mine away from my face. I looked up to see Connor staring at me with the same concerned expression Alana had.

What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, “nothing. You wouldn’t understand”

Connor’s face turned from concerned to hurt then angry.

“Fine” he growled, and began walking out, just like Alana had

I got up out of my seat and raced over to him. I grabbed his hand even though it was really sweaty, “No, wait, I-”

He jerked his hand away, “Don’t fucking touch me”

I flinched away and he scowled, walked to his next class. Unfortunately, if I remember correctly, we had the same class second period. English. I followed his path glumily.

I sat down in my seat which I somehow remembered after all these years. Maybe it’s because I spent my entire senior year looking two seats away from me where Connor’s empty seat was, each day after he took his life.

Now I looked over at that seat and saw Connor scribbling something in his notebook, or, wait, no, that was his dairy!

The bell rang and class started so I turned forward again. I opted to continue doodling in my notebook.

Sometime in the middle of class I heard the teacher say, “And since Evan believes he doesn’t need to pay attention, maybe he can tell us the answer”

I looked up immediately. The whole class turned to look at me. I felt my palms get sweaty and my heart begin to race.

“I-I um, I…”

“Well?” The teacher pressed on

Got, I’d forgotten how much I’d hated Mr. Acton.

“I, I d-don know, S-Sir,”

I heard a few snickers around the room. I curled in on myself, trying to make myself smaller.

“Then since your drawing seems so important to you, why don’t we show it to the class?” he made his way over to my desk

“N-No! It’s not important, I just, I was just-”

But he snatched it up, “And what is it? A forest?”

“N-No, sir, it’s, it’s an o-old orchard th-that m-my boyfriend used to, um, go to?”

I looked at Connor desperately, wanting to make sure the drawing didn’t make him more angry. He was looking back at me slack-jawed. I swear, his eyes even seemed to be a little misty. Then a small smile crept onto his face, and despite the situation, I couldn’t help but smile too.

Mr. Action tore the paper out of my notebook. My smile vanished. He walked back to the front of the room and pinned my drawing on the board with a magnet.

“Let this serve as a reminder to pay attention” He announced to the class

The rest of the period dragged on at a snail’s pace, until at last, the bell rang and Connor approached me.

“That drawing is beautiful” he said quietly “It looks just like it”

I stood up and kissed him quickly. We began walking down the hall.

“I wish I could draw,” he said “How’d you know I used to go there?”

“You would talk about it a lot in elementary school, each time your family went” the lie seemed to roll off my tongue

“Huh”

“Huh” I mimicked

He turned to me and kissed my cheek. I giggled happily.

“I’m sorry I got mad earlier, I didn’t mean to scare you”

“Well, I’m sorry I upset you earlier”

Chapter Text

Connor had walked me to all of my morning classes. He stood close to me protectively. I never got to know this side of Connor before he…

We walked with his arm wrapped tightly around my waist. From the corner of my eye, it looked like he was glaring at everyone who walked by, like he was either daring them to say something or he was afraid they’d do something to us. Or both.

After our last period, we made our way to my locker. I pressed myself to Connor’s side as we passed a group of kids who were looking at him funny. They took one look at him and grinned. I knew it wasn’t going to end well.

I never thought that bullies actually beat anyone up anymore because of all the rules nowadays, that it only happened in the movies. I guess just because I never saw it, it didn’t mean that it wasn’t going on.

They nudged each other and laughed wickedly as they approached us. Connor’s grip on me tightened and he moved me behind him. The halls were beginning to clear out. Nobody would be around to stop them from doing anything.

“Hey, there, psychopath” one of them sneered, I’m pretty sure his name is Kyle, Jared and I went to the same college as him

“Let us be” Connor growled

They circled us and I pressed myself closer to Connor. One of them stepped up to him and twirled a lock of his hair around his finger. They guy chuckled. Connor slapped his hand away.

“I said, fuck off!”

Two guys launched forward and grabbed each of his arms.

“Stop!” I cried and reached for Connor

They pushed me back and I tried again to get passed them but they just kept shoving me away

“Freaks like,” he said to Connor, “don’t belong here”

“I know, right?” Connor smirks, keeping up his tough persona

He punched Connor in the stomach. Connor let out a gasp. Kyle punched him again, harder.

I pushed through the circle that had formed but someone grabbed my waist.

“Nu-uh” they said and threw me into the lockers

I yelped and failed to soften the impact as my collarbone slammed in to one of the locks full force. I whimpered and crumpled to the ground. My hands were sweaty and my breathing became rapid. The rest of the world got tuned out as I panicked

Either minutes or hours later, I could feel myself get pulled into someone’s lap. My senses slowly started coming back to me and I could see Connor was holding me. I held him back tightly.

He stood up and carried me to his car, my legs wrapped around his hips. I dug my face into his neck.

I could tell he was whispering comforting things in my ear but I wasn’t present enough to understand his words.

The drive back to his house was easy. I just closed my eyes and leaned my head against the window. Before I knew it, Connor was shaking me gently to tell me we had arrived.

I don’t remember how we got there but the next thing I knew, we were standing in his bathroom. I finally came back to myself.

“What are we, why are, um, h-how come we’re in h-here?”

Connor gestured to a first-aid kit sitting on the toilet seat. I don’t even remember him getting it.

He took off his shirt and my face went red. I looked away immediately. My eyes moved around frantically, looking anywhere but at Connor.

He laughed.

“I think it’s okay if my boyfriend sees me shirtless”

I allowed my eyes to slowly make their way up Connor’s body. He was skinny and gorgeous. Connor Murphy was perfect. The only thing wrong were two dark purple bruises on his stomach, each slightly bigger than a fist.

I reached out instinctively and grazed it with a feather-like touch. He grimaced.

I jerked my hand back and moved away.

“Well, there’s nothing to do about mine,” he says

“Ice”

He ignores my comment and moves his hands down to the hem of my hoodie. He looked at me, waiting for permission. I nodded end he carefully lifted it over my head and dropped it on the ground.
He winced as he looked at my chest. I fought the urge to cover myself with my arms. I looked down to where his eyes were and gasped.

Spread from as high as my collarbone to as low as my nipple was a dark bruise. In the center, where the skin had broke, gleamed with blood.

“Here,” Connor opened the first-aid kit and squirted some neosporin onto his finger

“You need to wash it out first”

He sighed and wiped it off, wetting a washcloth instead, “Well aren’t you a little doctor”

“Well my mom’s a nurse’s aide so…”

“Smartass” he said as he dabbed the washcloth onto my skin

I couldn’t help but flinch even though he was barely touching it. He squirted more neosporin onto his finger, spreading it around the broken skin. I flinched again.

“Is anybody home?” I asked quietly when he was done

“Just Zoe”

I fidgeted with my leggings, “Can we take a nap then?”

Connor had his arm wrapped around my waist the second we laid down. His skin was warm against mine. Since his parents weren’t home, neither of us bothered to put our shirts back on.

“Just an hour though, okay? My parents will be home by five.”

I nodded and fell asleep in an instant, my head resting on his chest.

“Connor Murphy!” a voice bellowed, startling me awake

Connor and I shot up. We must have slept a lot later that we planned because standing in the doorway was Larry. And he was furious.

“What the fuck is this!”

I shrunk back, moving so that Connor hid me from view. But then Connor stormed over to him.

“What the fuck does it look like?”

“Why does he have a bruise? Did you hit him!”

Connor scoffed at the sheer ridiculousness of the question, especially since Larry was ignoring the bruises on Connor’s body.

He shoved his dad out the door and closed it, leaving me alone. I listened to the argument from where I was.

“What are you so mad about?”

“I don’t want you taking advantage of your only friend!”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Their voices faded to where I could tell they went downstairs. I heard glass shatter. Connor probably broke something.

I ran to Zoe’s room. Though in this life, we never bonded over the Connor Project or anything, she was still a comfort to me.

I knocked softly on her door, not remembering I was shirtless until she opened it. I covered my chest frantically but she wasn’t paying attention to that, I realized after a moment.

She was scared. I saw her jump as we heard something else shatter. She ushered me inside and locked the door, which I’m ashamed to say, I was thankful for.

Zoe held herself in fear. I remembered what she told me about his outbursts back in my other life, but I never realized how much they terrified her.

“Hey, um, look, see, uh,l y-you’re safe?” I tried to comfort her but knew I failed miserably

She shook her head, “You don’t get it. This is him on a good day. Sometimes he tries to bang my door down so he can kill me. He’s a monster, Evan. He’s hurt me before. One time he was so angry at me and he kept hitting me. My dad pulled him off. He felt awful the next day, but he’s a monster!”

I never knew Connor did that to her. Nobody ever told me. I never knew Connor would even ever do that to somebody. Maybe I didn’t know him as well as I thought. What else had he done? Maybe we weren’t safe around him.

I heard stomping up the stairs that snapped me out of that train of thought. Connor’s door slammed shut. I realized that the yelling downstairs had stopped.

I was about to go to his room when Zoe asked, “Did Connor do that to you?” she pointed at the bruise on my chest

I tensed, “O-Oh my god, no, of course not! Well not ‘of course not’ after what you just told me. Sorry, that was rude of me. I’m sorry-”

“Evan,” she interrupted, “It’s okay”

I nodded and took that as my queue to leave. I rushed to Connor’s room down the hall and opened the door. Connor was lying on his bed. His shirt was put back on and he was sobbing.

I made my way over to the bed and laid down next to him. I wrapped my arms around him tightly as he cried.
d held him tightly as he cried.

Chapter Text

It took about an hour for the crying to stop. We laid there quietly, neither of us saying a word. He stared blankly up at the ceiling, his eyes red and puffy. Dried tear tracks splayed down his cheeks. Everything was silent. It was like life was on pause. Without context, one might’ve called it peaceful. Then someone hit the play button and life resumed.

“Dinner!” Cynthia called from the kitchen

Connor groaned and sat up. I climbed out of bed and pulled on my hoodie. I looked up and the room was empty. Connor left without me. I sighed and went downstairs

I stopped in the opening to the dining room. Connor had taken his seat, sitting as far away from Larry as possible. Zoe walked in from behind me, sitting next to Larry. Cynthia was bringing in the meal from the kitchen so I took my seat next to Connor.

“Hey,” I whispered so only he could hear me

He didn’t respond. I pursed my lips and turned towards the able.

“So are you two…” Cynthia asked, ending the wait to the Murphy’s burning question

Connor didn’t say anything so I nodded. I was guessing he’d be checked out for the rest of dinner.

“Oh,” Cynthia forced a smile onto her face

It wasn’t that she was bothered by it or anything. I think she was just surprised.

“Well, that’s lovely”

I gave her a small smile. I looked over at Connor. He was still staring absently into his lap. He hadn’t put anything onto his plate. I knew trying to get him to eat would be useless.

“How did you two, uh, get together?” Larry asked

I wasn’t sure if he actually wanted to know or he just wanted to make conversation. Either way, I answered.

“We uh, actually it’s kind of a funny story, see because we bumped into each other at the park? A-and then, well actually it was me who admitted my feelings towards him. Not that we didn’t talk first. No, we definitely first did that. Obviously. Um, it just kind of went from there?” I was knotting my fingers together desperately

I looked at Zoe who was picking mindlessly at her food with her fork. She wasn’t paying attention at all.

“How nice” Cynthia commented

I nodded again

“Well, you’re welcome to spend the night, if you’d like”

I gave Connor another glance. There was no way I was going to leave him alone tonight. Besides, it’s not like my mom would be home to care.

“O-okay”

And there I was falling back into the same patterns and mistakes that almost ruined my relationship with my mom the first time around.

But Connor needed me.

Connor didn’t speak as we got ready to sleep or as we laid in bed. I didn’t try to make him either, but he wrapped his arms around my waist and I smiled to myself.

I closed my eyes.

My mind went back to what happened this morning with Jared. I knew I needed to apologize. What I said was cruel.

I drifted off to sleep at my decision.

Connor was back to his usual self the next morning. He woke me up with soft kisses all over my face.

I wore the same clothes I was in yesterday because I knew Connor’s would be far too big on me despite his skinny body. It wasn’t that I was particularly thin, I was just...kind of small.

Connor forced me to eat some toast. Zoe sat at the kitchen’s island with me, eating a bowl of cereal while Connor paced around the kitchen with an apple.

“Mom already left for her yoga class so you need to drive me” she said to him

Okay, I’ve already said how Connor is a shit driver. Yet somehow it’s even more insane when he’s in an argument.

Zoe was sitting in the passenger seat, yelling at Connor. I sat in the back with my knees brought up to my chest. Car rides are bad enough but add screaming, and it’s just a complete shit storm.

“No, shut the fuck up! You’re not having people over while mom and Larry are away!”

“Yes I am! You fucking jerk! You’re not the boss of me! You’ve ruined my life enough, you don’t get to control it too!”

Connor slammed on the brakes and turned to face her, “You’re such a fucking bitch, Zoe!”

I was shaking now and having another anxiety attack. They kept screaming.
“You’re a bitch! I hate you!”

“Good, you spoiled brat! You fucking get everything! You-”

“Connor” she said suddenly

I think I whimpered or something because the screaming had stopped.

“Evan, baby?”

I heard car doors open and clothes and then I was being held.

He was whispering to me softly and eventually, I calmed down. The car was moving, Zoe must’ve been driving it.

I was still a shaking mess in his arms. It was pathetic. At least we were parked in the student lot now.

When I stopped shaking and I didn’t look like I just had a panic attack, I insisted we go inside. Class started in ten minutes and I still had to talk to Jared.

“Ev, I’m sorry about that. I’m really sorry”

I wasn’t really ready to talk about it yet so I just pulled him by his hand into school and through the halls to Jared’s locker. Luckily, we didn’t run into the guys from yesterday.

I think not speaking to Connor made him feel worse but I really didn’t want to talk about it and I couldn’t just say it was fine because it wasn’t just fine.

I saw Jared putting his books away and I took a deep breath before I approached him.

Chapter Text

“Jared?” I said hesitantly

He turned around and scowled. He went back to putting his books away.

I looked down at my feet and twisted the hem of my hoodie. I couldn’t do this.

“Jared” Connor growled

Jared whipped back around, “What?” he asked viciously

I took another deep breath. I didn’t look up as I spoke.

“I-I, I’m really sorry, a-about what I said to you. Yesterday, I mean. Well, obviously. You already knew what I was talking about, sorry, um, it was really mean. And I’m not mean. Well, that was mean, but I’m not a mean person. At least I don’t think I am. I hope I’m not. B-but I’m really sorry…” I was starting to get really worked up.

“Evan” Connor whispered gently in my ear, calming me down

I closed my mouth.

Jared sighed, “It’s fine”

My head shot up, “Really?” I squealed

I wasn’t expecting him to forgive me so easily. But I guess it’s hard to stay mad at someone you’re in love with. Oh my god, that sounded so stuck up and rude.

“Can I, can I have a hug?” I asked hopefully

“No.”

I deflated.

“You better fucking give him a hug, Kleinman” Connor warned

Jared rolled his eyes and hugged me.

I ate dinner at the Murphy’s again. It was no less tense than last night. Connor was back to spacing out, at least in front of his parents. We ate dinner in silence until Cynthia spoke up.

“So, Evan, we’re having a house party on Saturday-”

Connor groaned and put his face in his palm

Cynthia shot him a glare and continued, “-and we would love you to come”

I tensed up. I couldn’t just say no. That would be so rude.

“O-Okay!” I force a nervous smile

This was going to be a disaster.

Connor dropped me at home right after dinner.

“You don’t have to go” he said as we stood in the front doorway

My heart stopped and I realized what I had done. I had decided to accept the party invitation without even asking Connor if it was okay. And oh god, of course it wasn’t okay! Connor hadn’t even invited me! He purposely didn’t tell me about the party. Why the hell would he want me there? Oh god.

“I’m s-so s-sorry, Connor! I-I didn’t mean to...I’m so sorry. I’ll tell them I-I won’t go. I’m so s-sorry. P-please don’t be mad.”

Connor reached out and grabbed my arms which were gesturing furiously and trembling, “Hey, hey, hey, baby. No. Of course I want you to come”

I looked at him, confused, “Y-you do?”

“Of course”

“Then, w-why…”

Connor sighed and gave me a hug, “Because I know you get anxious with this kind of thing and I didn’t want you to think you had to go”

“I’ll go. For you”

He smiled and bent down to kiss me. He gripped my waist and I wrapped my arms around his neck. His grip tightened and I moaned into his mouth. He smirked and backed me into the house and pressed me against the wall. I wrapped my legs around his hips. He brought his hands under my shirt.

I broke the kiss to catch my breath, “C-Connor”

He was sucking on my neck. Hard. I brought my feet back to the ground and pushed him away. He didn't get the hint. My heart starting pounding.

“Connor, stop!” I screamed

He jerked back, wide eyed. I placed my hand over where his lips were on my neck. There was probably a mark.

“Evan, shit, I didn’t, I’m so sorry, I…” his eyes were watery

“I-it’s fine” I stammered “Just please, please just, just…” I couldn’t get my words out

But Connor understood. He ran out and shut the door. I wasn’t really sure what just happened but I knew Connor didn’t mean any harm, But it felt so...scary.

I probably overreacted. And now Connor thought he did something wrong. Shit. I needed to call him.

I fumbled around in my pocket for my phone and turned it on. Connor had sent me a dozen apology messages, one saying it was okay if I wanted to break up with him. I texted back quickly.

[Me]: Connie, no, it’s okay. I promise. It’s just been a long day :)
[Connor <3]: Are you sure? I’m so sorry
[Me]: nothing to worry about. I’ll see you in the morning. I love you
[Connor]: Okay...I love you too, baby

The next few days zoomed by, and before I knew it, it was saturday.

5:15

I stood in front of the mirror and inspected myself. I was wearing my ripped light-washed skinny jeans and a light pink hoodie.

My phone went off.

[Connor <3]: Remember, come at 6:00
[Me]: I know, don’t worry
[Connor <3]: Okay baby sry. You’ll be great!

5:45

I took a deep breath and walked to Connor’s house. Cars were parked on the whole street. This was more crowded that I thought it would be. I gulped.

Another family stood at the doorway, waiting for someone to let them in.

They wore dresses or slacks. Their hair was groomed to perfection and fancy jewellery hung from everywhere on the women. Oh god. I didn’t know it was supposed to be a fancy party.

I hid behind them, hoping the Murphy’s wouldn’t see me when the door opened. When it did, Cynthia stood in the opening, smiling joyously.

“Linda, hi! It’s so good to see you!” She gave them all hugs as they entered, “Maddie, you’ve gotten so tall!”

I tried to dart passed her discreetly.

“Evan!” She cried out and grabbed me, kissing me on the cheek, “Oh, you’re dressed wrong. Connor must not have specified. It’s no worry, you look great”

She ushered me inside. The mansion was packed with fancy rich people. It looked like a Gatsby party. I felt so out of place here, like someone might even kick me out.

“Connor’s upstairs in the den!”

I nodded and made my way to the stairs. I stumbled around as people kept bumping into me. Some woman stepped on me with her heel. I yelped and increased my face. Finally, I made it passed the crowd and raced upstairs to the den.

A circle of teenagers took up the couch and nearby floor, Connor included. He looked miserable. At least he was dressed casually too. The rest of the kids and Zoe looked as fancy as their parents. They were laughing and joking around.

“C-Connor?” I said quietly

The conversation stopped and everyone turned to look at me.

“This must be Evan!” one of the guys exclaimed

He walked over to me and slung his arm around my waist. I nodded. He led me over to the circle and sat me in his lap.

“I’m Alec, Connor told us so much about you. We thought he was just making it all up, but I guess not. We’re his cousins. But half of us are his second cousins, but let’s keep that between us.”

I nodded to confirm that I wouldn’t tell anybody.

“He’s adorable” someone said

I went bright red and tried to make myself smaller.

“Aww”

Someone pinched my cheek. I pressed myself closer into Alec, hiding my face in his chest. Someone else started playing with my hair. I ‘ve never met people like this before.

“He’s so cute”

“Leave him alone” Connor demanded, irritated

I held onto the front of Alec’s shirt. Though it was overwhelming, I was kind of starting to enjoy it too.

“He likes us” Alec mused

“Like hell he does. Give him to me!”

I looked at him, surprised. Why was he acting so angry? The conversation stopped again.

“Connor, what the fuck?”

Alec let go of me and I crawled behind him. What was going on? Had I done something wrong?

Connor approached us and I moved back again. I didn’t feel safe with him if I didn’t at least know why he was upset, if I didn’t know who’d he’d lash out at. And right now, it seemed like it was going to be me.

My heart pounded in my ears and my hands were shaking. I could have sworn Connor’s eye sockets were filled with fire. My eyes stung and I closed them so nobody could see but it only caused the tears to pour down my cheeks. I cried silently from fear and shame. In front of all the other kids.

Chapter Text

“Got to my room, Evan” he demanded

I didn’t move or open my eyes. I was so scared and confused.

“Evan,” he gripped my chin

“Y-yes?” I whimpered and opened my eyes

“Go”

I looked around at the other desperately. They all had shocked expressions covering their faces. They weren’t going to be any help. So I stood up. My whole body was trembling. Connor let go of me and I ran into his room.

I realized I hadn’t been taking my pills. In college, I had to learn to save them because it became hard to get refills. I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs, despite my gasping. My world sped away and then so did my consciousness.

…

“Evan, Evan honey, wake up” a woman’s voice filled my ears

Someone was tapping my cheek, trying to get me awake. I peeled my eyes open and was blinded by the lights in the room. I was laying on the floor with Cynthia standing over me.

“What?” I groaned, confused

Cynthia smiled tiredly “It’s four in the morning”

I sat up, squinting my eyes.

“Honey, why are you on the ground? Why are you even in Connor’s room?”

I picked at my cast, “I, Connor told me to go in here” I mumbled

She frowned in concern.

I felt really embarrassed. Cynthia probably thought I didn’t appreciate the party invitation and I probably wasn’t welcome to be in here.

“But on the floor?”

“Oh, I, uh, well, I, I had an anxiety attack? And I couldn’t um, I couldn’t breathe so I um, passed out”

Cynthia’s eyes widened “Oh gosh. Do you need some water? I should call your mother…”

“No! No, no, it’s fine. I’m fine. Besides, she, she has um her night school right now so she can’t be interrupted”

I got to my feet. Where was Connor? Cynthia looked at me with sympathy. Her eyeliner was smeared under her eyes from a long night.

“Um, where’s, where’s Connor?”

Cynthia looked nervous but she pressed a smile onto her face, “Downstairs, honey”

I nodded and tiptoed down the steps. The whole house seemed like it was holding its breath. I made my way into the kitchen.

Connor was sitting alone at the breakfast bar. His expression was stone cold. I approached him.

“Connor?” I whispered

He looked at me. There was something in his eyes I couldn’t recognize. He got up and walked towards me.

“Come, I’ll drive you home” he said into my neck

I shuddered but nodded.

…

Everything was fine until Connor pulled the car over on a quiet street. He turned to me and grabbed my waist. I gasped. Connor pulled me into his lap and kissed down my neck.

“You’re mine” he growled

I shivered in his arms. He held me tighter. Connor lifted up my shirt and I kissed him cautiously, not sure what mood he was in.

“I don’t want people touching you like Alec was. I don’t want anybody else holding you”

He bit my neck. I whimpered. His hands traveled underneath my waistband and I yelped.

“No! No! Stop it! Stop!” I cried and tried to get away

But Connor tightened his grip so hard it hurt, “What’s the matter? You let other people touch you but not me?”

Why was Connor acting like this? It wasn’t the Connor I knew and loved. I was scared and I started crying again. I hid my face in his chest.

He didn’t say anything. We sat there like that until I had no tears left to cry and he drove me home.

I raced out of the car and locked the door behind me.

…

Connor avoided me in the halls on monday. He wouldn’t even look at me. He hadn’t answered any of my calls or texts. I didn’t know what to think.

I caught up to him in the hallways on tuesday. I grabbed his arm. He jerked it back and kept walking. My heart plummeted.

“Connor! I’m really sorry. Are you angry at me? Is this about what happened in the car? If, if y-you want that, I mean, my mom’s not going to be home-”

He stopped walking and turned to me, pulling me aside.

“Evan, don’t you dare even finish that sentence.” he ordered in a hushed voice, “Do you even understand? What I did to you was without your consent. That means if I continued, it would have rape. I could have fucking raped you, Evan!”

My jaw dropped and I took a big gulp. My hands were shaking.

“But, but-”

“No, Evan! When you left the room at the party, I hurt Alec. I hurt him because I didn’t like that he was holding you. Zoe’s right, I’m a fucking monster!”

People starting looking at us. I squirmed uncomfortably.

“Let me see you neck”

I tensed. I had worn a bulky sweatshirt to cover up the big bruise he left. I was about to say no because I didn’t want to make him feel worse but he yanked the collar down. Connor tilted my jaw so that the side of my neck was exposed.

“You’re not a monster” I told him

He sighed and rubbed his temple, “I took advantage of you”

“But I forgive you!” I protested

Just when I thought he was going to shout at me, he pulled me in by my waist and kissed my gently. I couldn’t help but flinch even though everything was fine. I kissed back.

He broke the kiss, “I fucking love you”

…

We were laying in his bed after school that day. Connor was holding me, but his grip was delicate. I think he was more scarred from what happened in the car than I was. I wished we could have just pretended like it never happened. But Connor was so ashamed...

Suddenly, I felt his chest shaking. He pressed his face to the back of my neck and let out a sob. I turned over and wrapped my arms around him so that were holding each other.

“You should have let me kill myself” he sobbed, “I’m a fucking monster. You’re the only good thing in my life and I fucking…” he couldn’t finish the last part of the sentence and started crying harder

I held him tighter, letting him sob into my neck, “Please don’t, don’t say that. We make mistakes. And well, please don’t take this offensively, but you have a mental illness, Connor. And that’s okay. I love you for who you are.” I took a relieved breath when I finished

“I don’t deserve you. You’re like a fucking angel.”

I decided he didn’t need me to tell him he was wrong so I let him believe that lie.

Chapter Text

Connor fell asleep in my arms. After awhile, I untangled him from me and crept out of his room. I shut his door quietly and pulled my phone out, dialing Jared’s number.

“What now?”

“Can I...I just, I need someone to talk to? Please?” I whisper-begged in to the phone

I sat down with my back pressed to Connor’s door.

“What’s going on?” he sighed

I told him everything that happened with Connor. It all just poured out of my mouth. When I was finished, I was crying again and the other end of the line was silent.

“J-Jared?” I asked, not sure if he was still there

“Where are you now?” his voice was tight

“His house, b-but he’s sleeping, Jared. Why?”

“I’m coming”

Then the line clicked off. I started to panic. Jared couldn’t come here! This wasn’t even my house! And Connor would freak out. This was really bad.

I waited downstairs so I could answer the door immediately. Zoe was in her room and she was the only other person home, thank god, but Larry should be here soon

The doorbell rang fifteen minutes later. I got up from where I was perched on the couch and ran to the door. I only opened it enough to peak my head out.

“Jared, you can’t be here-”

Jared pushed the door open and I stumbled back.

“Where is he?” he stormed inside

I grabbed his arm to stop him, “Jared, no, stop! You can’t!”

Zoe burst from her room, “What the fuck?”

She looked down at us from the top of the stairs.

“Where is your psychopath brother!”

I pulled him back as he tried to climb the stairs, “Jared, keep your voice down!” I hissed

“What did he do?” she asked, growing more concerned

Jared opened his mouth to answer but before he could say a word, Connor came out of his room and gazed down at the commotion. His hair was a mess from sleep and his eyes were squinting and puffy.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Kleinman!”

“I know what you did to Evan!” he screamed

Jared broke out of my grip.

“I’m going to fucking kill you!”

“Jared!”

He sprinted up the stairs. Zoe squeaked and ran in to her room. I heard the lock click loudly. I raced after him desperately but I was too slow. Jared made it to the top and grabbed the collar of Connor’s shirt, slamming him against the wall. Connor was too shocked to fight back.

“You fucking bastard! Did you like doing that to him!”

Connor just closed his eyes and let Jared scream. Like the coward I was, I stopped on the top of the stairs, not daring to move any closer. I heard Zoe on the phone with someone in her room, probably her parents. I could tell she was telling them what was going on.

“Answer me!”

“Fuck off!” Connor shoved him away

“Stop! Stop! Stop!” I pleaded, my voice no louder than a whisper

I started losing my breath but they didn’t notice me, too busy yelling. Just like in the car with Connor and Zoe.

“Help!” I tried to scream, but I was so scared, nothing came out and neither of them came to get me

I rested my face on the railing bars I was gripping tightly to. I tried to take deep breaths but it wasn’t working. I heard a loud thump. One of them was knocked to the floor. I whimpered loudly, trying for help. Nothing.

Then the front door opened.

“What the fuck is going on here!” It was Larry, “Evan, what’s wrong?”

They noticed me then. Jared and Connor both rushed over. Connor tried to hold me but I moved out of his arms and into Jared’s. I had realized how vulnerable what Connor had done was making me feel.

Jared hugged me tightly. I didn’t want Connor right now. I was just scared and Jared knew how to deal with me when I was like this. I’ve known him since we were children. And besides, I was no longer sure Connor was the safest option.

“Ev, it’s okay, deep breaths. In...out...hold...in...out, there you go, good job.” he rubbed my back soothingly

“Here, you can take him into Connor’s room” Larry offered, now at the top of the stairs

“No” Jared said sharply and picked me up. I wrapped my legs around his hips and buried my face in his neck, “This is the worst place he could be”

I didn’t protest. Maybe he was right.

Jared carried me all the way to his house. We sat down on the couch together, me on his lap.

“I’m sorry” he whispered

I frown, still not calm enough to speak, but why was he sorry?

He moved me so he was laying on the couch, him laying over me, “I’m sorry I let you be in that relationship. Not that I control you, but I just knew he was trouble”

He leaned in closer. I pulled him in even more. Then our lips touched and we were kissing, slowly, hesitantly. His hands reached under my shirt as if they had a million times before. And to me, they had.

I let him take of my shirt and then I took off his. His lips traveled down to where Connor had left the bruise. He kissed it gently, as if he was erasing the damage Connor had done. It almost worked.

His hands ran all over my chest, touching, owning everything. Then he moved down to the bottom of my skinny jeans. He stopped, waiting for me permission. I nodded. He peeled my pants off before taking off his own.

He gripped my thighs tightly but not enough to hurt. I had forgotten how gentle Jared was, taken it for granted all those years in my other life that I had dated him.

Soon we were completely naked. Jared leaned on top of me.

“Can we…?”

I nodded and he continued. It hurt at first and I gasped in pain but quickly, it turned into pleasure.

…

I woke up in Jared’s arms some hours later. My back was pressed against his chest. A throw blanket covered the lower half of our bodies.

Jared noticed I was awake and kissed my neck softly. I could feel his smiled against my skin and something about that made me giggle happily.

“I can’t believe we did that” he said against my neck, then paused, “Was I your first?”

I blushed as I realized he was, in my other life and in this one. Something about that filled me with dread but I nodded to him.

“Yes!” he exclaimed proudly

I laughed and he hugged me close to his body.

“You know…” he said suddenly, “We still have all night”

Chapter Text

Jared and I walked through the school hallways with his arm wrapped around my waist. I wanted to get away from him. This wasn’t what I wanted. It was just a one-night stand. Nothing more. But I let him keep his arm around me as if I was his. What I was doing wasn’t fair to either of them.

It wasn’t long before Connor saw us and stepped in front of our path.

“What the fuck is this?” he demanded

I moved closer to Jared nervously. Connor noticed this and looked at Jared angrily.

“You fucked him, didn’t you?”

Neither of us responded. I was too ashamed. Connor growled and shoved me. I yelped.

“You little slut!” he shoved me again

This time I fell to the floor. I crawled away, Jared stepped in between us.

“You don’t get to talk to him like that!”

Jared was once again my knight in shining armour. Except he wasn’t the one I was in love with. It was Connor.

This was all wrong.

And here I was sleeping with other people. I got a second chance to be with Connor and I just fucked it up. Sure, Jared was more familiar. Safer, even. But what have I done?

I cheated on my boyfriend with someone who I don’t even love back. I didn’t just mess with one person’s feeling but two.

And I didn’t even wait to do it with Connor. I let my first time be a one night stand, a mistake. And there was nobody to blame but me, as always.

I closed my eyes, waiting for Connor to hit me.

But I just heard him sit down next to me against the wall. Jared watched him cautiously but I really needed to stop letting other people protect me. I needed to stop acting so helpless all of the time.

I turned to look at Connor. He was covering his face with his knees and pulling his hair.

He was feeling like this because of me. I did this.

We stayed like that for a few minutes before I got the nerve to say something though nothing would ever be enough “I’m not asking for your forgiveness” I started, “ God knows I don’t deserve it” I said quietly. He tried to huddle in on himself more, “But maybe, maybe you can believe me when I tell you how sorry I am. And, and I get it, we’re done. There’s no fixing of going back from what I did. I hate myself for what I did. I hated myself when I was doing it. I’m not going to tell you what was going through my mind at the time because it’s just going to sound like an excuse. I just fucking hate this situation I created and I hate this shitty apology I’m giving you because it’s not even close to being enough. Nothing will be. I know. I’m just, I’m going to leave now. I-I love you,”

When I looked up, Jared was shaking his head at me, holding back anger of a thousand worlds. I deserved that, so much more that that. He stalked off. I was expecting that.

But I wasn’t expecting to feel a hand slip into mine hesitantly or a small voice that said “Please don’t go”, and I certainly wasn’t expecting to get to hold Connor ever again.

I began feeling a slight bit of hope. Maybe, just maybe, with a lot of time, some things might be okay.

I blinked.

I cried out and sat up in bed, panting. It was night time and I was in my room. How? What? Where was Connor? Why wasn’t I at school? How did I get in my room?

Something was different though. I looked down and my cast was gone and my body was unhealthily skinny. Like how I was...how I was in college!

I was back. I knew I was back. Something in me just knew.

I ran my hands down my arms nervously and encountered a long scar below my shoulder. I had no memory of getting this. It wasn’t there before. It just appeared from nowhere.

Something moved under the covers next to me. I gasp but discover it’s a man. They shifted and started stirring. I couldn’t see his face.

Connor?

I smiled at the fact that the relationship we created when I went back in time had lasted. That he was still here.

Connor sits up too and pulls me into his lap, wrapping his arms around my waist. His body was different. Smaller. Something was wrong.

“Baby,” Connor kissed my neck softly, “Are you okay? I heard you cry out”

But it wasn’t Connor. Not at all.

“Jared” I whisper in shock

END OF PART 1