Archive of Our Own ^beta

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hello, vast internet-scape. my name is shane and i like a guy @ my school and i don't know??? what to do??

i want to post this somewhere so i have a log of things that we do together that would probably constitute dating but won't bc he aint about that life. i also need some place to complain about things and i don't have friends.

more updates soon!

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in first block (biology), ryan sits across from me for some reaSoN and boots jacob (guy who brings cold hot chocolate in mason jars and speaks 2 languages) to a different table. this makes me feel: warm.

i write my email on the back of a slip of paper that has a sequence of DNA on it and throw it at him. between us is a dismembered, plastic anatomy skeleton wrapped in a floral shawl. we call her Miss Lady and every now and then i pick up her severed hand and wave it for effect.

i tell ryan to email me, because we have a sub and it's going to be unbearably quiet and i'm not Comfortable With That. also i wanna talk to him. so he says yes and we get on hangouts.

basically, i haven't used hangouts for like a year and it brings back a level of nostalgia that i am not prepared for.

"hey," i say, out loud, for some reason. "do you remember when hangouts was like... a thing?"

"i'm going to need you to clarify."

"like, when it was like AOL but worse," i pick up the skeleton hand. he laughs through his nose which is pretty cute. "i used to sit in my room at 8:30 and wait for the little green circle. just messaging people hi and hello and happy birthday."

ryan nods.

"i'm going to send you soft memes," i tell him, quietly. the sub, mr. arnold, looks like a mix between jeff foxworthy and jamie from mythbusters.

ryan nods again and shakes his head, "don't make me laugh, please."

i proceed to find things that will definitely make him laugh.

this leads to a very intense parody of a roleplay, in which i stretch the "don't talk to me or my son ever again" meme way beyond its boundaries, and play all three parts (the Dad, the Son, and the Person Who is Banned From Talking to Them). ryan thinks it is very funny. we whisper about it quite loudly but mr. arnold doesn't say anything about it.

i use MS Paint to make somewhat alarming inverted pictures. this leads to ryan sending me pictures of crawl spaces.

for a lil guy that doesn't like Scary Things, this is pretty terrifying.

it is very likely that these messages are being seen by an administrator, but we don't care that much

i make a joke about the fbi agents assigned to our computers being very worried for us. it is a very stupid joke. ryan still laughs. this makes me feel: very warm!

we then part ways to our different second blocks. it turns out that i have academic support (study hall, but unproductive), and can bother ryan some more. he is in math, a very taxing class that no one pays attention to. one time, the teacher punched the whiteboard and had to leave the building.

i message him. he messages back. still on hangouts. i am very witty and funny. and i give some very subtle hints...

(i said i love you but he thought it was a joke so we're cool)

in a world where i have not been well and have pretty much avoided talking to people; this is a highlight. i am able to talk to him very easilyyyy even when i'm right across from him or one classroom over.

anyway. no one asked for this. no one's reading this, either. 

will update you as the day goes on.

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i'm too depressed to keep writing my life like it's interesting. 

i have been talking to ryan about being lonely and missing relationships recently! he just offered to get me into a toxic relationship.

this makes me feel: very sad and even lonelier than before!

i can't just go outside and date people, yknow. i'm too awk + gross 4 that. - s

i could get you into a toxic relationship, but like :) you're way too important to do that to -- so you gotta try! - r

he has described the toxic girl since this text and it doesn't sound good but I'm very sad about it anyways - that he would offer it and describe her and just ,,,,,idk

anyway. more updates later probably! my phone is about to die.

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okay so

today was not the best day for my crushventures, and here is why (aka, the main conflict of this real life garbage)

last night, ryan's friend with benefits said that she didn't want to sit with or hang out with him in public or otherwise. which made him very sad and he felt very depressed and was not having a great time.

I brought him a stuffed animal today, but he didn't talk for the first hour of school (he left early), but eventually he felt a little better and I sent him some funny stuff on hangouts which helped him laugh a little.

anyway. then he left to go to a funeral which he didn't end up going to. and he texted me that he 'can't do this'.

five years of on-off down the drain. - r

the off part never lasts, though. right? - s

 i guess. - r

so tonight will be dedicated to talking him down, which I can do, but it v much hurts and doesn't feel great because I get to tell him how pretty the other girl is and how they're perfect and how this is only temporary.

will maybe update you later

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hello! it's been a hot second since we last spoke, but because no one reads this, that doesn't quite matter.

anyway! many things happened in the past couple days.

1: there was a school shooter threat while ryan was at his base school. (I wasn't there and it made me panic) but I knew the guy so I checked with him and he was getting questioned but he wasn't talking abt killing humans, but animals in the woods (bc he hunts) so THAT WAS SCARY

2: he called me 'baby' once which was weird

3: he wanted me to stay with him in after school (but there wasn't after school on that day which sucked)

4: lots of him talking about his Girlfriend But Not Girlfriend

i can't tell you how. many. screenshots. of them talking i got today.

last night she spammed me with love texts until five am, so i just called her. - r

and the only thing she said was "i don't wanna sleep, i love you," and then went to sleep - r

yikes, b. - s

it's okayyy. i was laughing. and i was (big) patient with her. - r

you're great at being patient - s

yeah, but only, like... with you and helen. - r

:) - s

... is she okay? - s

yeah. she's just hyper. the hangover hasn't hit her yet. - r

right, right. - s

ANYWAY nothing to explain right now. school starts again tmrw so if he comes back I'll have things to talk about

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THINGS ARE HAPPENING

ryan's girlfriend-not-girlfriend kind of broke up with him and blocked him. so he didn't come to school today, and he's been mourning and texting me about how he's in love with her. and it kinda makes my stomach feel gross, but i'm trying my best to be objective and help him. if he doesn't accept that help, that's okay, i'll still be supportive.

so today i was worried i was going to sit at lunch alone but since it was an odd schedule, i got to hang out with my friend liam and it was pretty cool. we don't get to hang out much because we don't have any of the same classes, but we had a full hour of lunch today and it was a blast. i just wish ry was there.

so anyway! drama and laughs and sadness. the usualllll.

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hiiii it is getting increasingly difficult to be objective while texting with ryan about his ex girlfriend that he is still in love with

pfff - r

i just realized something - r

what's up? - s

i'm p sure helen can't reach her g-spot - r

yikes. - s

unless she dates another man... - r

she won't - s

she could date me ;) - r

lol, yes she could - s

I wish I was dead

:)

that's it love u bye

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I woke up to see that ryan asked me if we could cuddle.

then I fell down a hill in the rain and had to blow dry my pants.

that's it

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today, in health class, the desks were arranged in a way where we sat next to each other and both of our computer screens were facing away from the front, so we just texted each other on hangouts the whole time.

the first part of the lecture was awfully strange--the health teacher seems to not know anything about health outside of the slides that she didn't even make. so ryan and i talked about that a bit.

"did she just say she didn't grow up in a gated community, but then tell us she grew up in a gated community?" I type.

"yeah," he laughs a little, "she just said she grew up in one."

I shrug. "There are definitely holes in her plot line."

Someone across the room asks her what she meant by something. I'm not listening. The teacher answers in a way that implies she didn't hear the question.

"She isn't listening." ryan types. I nod.

We begin to map out a diet and work out plan. ryan and i panic a bit because our diets are way under the caloric intake we should have. we laugh a lot. i make him laugh a lot.

liam sits with us for the last minute of lunch and gives me a pin. i thank him. he tells me about a new meme he's making. i nod and smile and i kinda wish we had the same lunch BUT we will have the same lunch tomorrow! so we can talk more.

i like to surround myself with people that laugh at my jokes.

i need to surround myself with people that aren't ryan

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i don't know what to do.

come cuddleeeee - r

and bring dogs - r

i'm omw - s

come faster - r

aHA - r

;) - r

goodnight ily, strangers

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ryan basically asked me to prom, which is in a year.

:))

how am i supposed to not melt under these conditions

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hi I'm 80% sure ryan knows I like him,,,,or he is just flirty with people that he is comfortable with.

There's a line between making jokes and platonic flirting and the stuff he and I say to each other??i think??

well, if i don't know in like, 2 years, then im making you learn with me - r

good plan - s

and if that doesn't work, i'll just go to cvs and get candy - r

gOOD PLAN - s

you're gonna hate answering all my texts ::)) - r

no, b. i'm really not. - s

you're my FAVORITE person - s

why is favorite in all caps? omg - r

because i want to emphasize. - s

he was making fun of me because some girl told me she loved me and i kinda froze. so he had the great idea to start saying it to me in real life.

i'm gonna - r

i don't think it'll annoy me when you do it, tbh - s

i'm gonna make the worst eye contact ;) - r

i mean, that's kinda what people do when they talk to each other - s

but i'm gonna like ;;;))) touch your shoulder and make super eye contact - r

anyway. there's a field trip comin' up that requires two hours on a bus. so that'll be fun

liam wanted to sit beside me but i'll save the seat in front of me.

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ryan is coming over to my house on Monday

I gotta clean my room and turn on all 2 of my lava lamps

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hellooooo things are not looking great. this isn't about cute things anymore it's just me being sad. but that's okay no one reads this anyway

two days ago ryan and a friend came over! i thought it was going to be fun. it kinda was. but it made me realize that we could never work romantically so i was kinda :((

then ryan got back together with his ex-girlfriend, so we are back to him talking to me about how in love he is. which is fine! i'm v glad he's happy. i'm just v selfish and sad so it's not awesome.

hopefully when school gets back, it won't be awkward.

mmmmmmmmmm i just wish i was somewhat desirable

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i was fine for awhile. a few months, everything was fine, but now ryan's acting strangely again

i had to - r

because i love you - r

did you really? - s

love ya too, buddy - s

i'm spending the night at ryan's house tomorrow

liam patted me on the head today

ryan said he loves me (prob in a friend way) and he said that he is the cat (moody, sleepy, edgy) to my dog (sad but hyper, sleepless, mostly optimistic)

the crush is reborn

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hello, update. i'm at ryan's house and helen texted him so he's now crying and texting really vigorously and we're sitting in silence on the balcony and i think it's gonna storm

trying to figure out how to offer to talk and decorate mugs bc i think distraction would be helpful right now.

we will see how this goes

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ryan is gonna spend the night at MY house tonight (in like 12 hours).

and we started fake-cute arguing about something i can't even remember what over text. and i know he likes to like fake flirt or like he accidentally flirts and says stuff but...

i will give you hickeys if you argue with me - r

i'm gonna argue anyways, so. - s

i'll wear a full body cast tomorrow so you can't. - s

anyways. it's 1 am and i'm blushin'.

hope ur doing well

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hiiii we've cuddled and laughed this entire time and we're gonna do stick and poke tattoos later tonite

he told my future with tarot cards and rested his head against my shoulder a bunch

my. heart. is. a. puddle. 

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hi i'm incredibly close to getting a hickey and i am excited + scared

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hellooooo mixed signals.

he gave me a hickey behind my ear and played with my hair

he is texting a girl currently and saying he's just hanging out with his "cousin." (me, i guess?)

who knows.

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hello, empty space on the internet. if i could just SCREAM INTO THE ABYSS for a moment of your time.

we gave each other hickeys today. he's sleeping w my arm around him, but we "cuddled" (his words) while he was awake.

he wore my shirt all day + we took a clothed shower together and took pictures

i think we might kiss tomorrow maybe. if we don't, we probably won't ever

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ryan left at 5:53 pm yesterday after like 4 days together!!! when he left i went back into the house and laid down and slept until the next day (today), approximately 16 hours of sleep.

i woke up to ryan posting on his public story (!!) that he couldn't sit comfortably by himself because he couldn't cuddle with me (!!).

i'm so happy. we didn't kiss but i think we got close a few times.

maybe next time we're alone :)

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i miss him a whole bunch.

another friend named megan is coming to stay at my house on saturday bc her fam is crazy, so ryan may come over on that day. we will probably not cuddle but that is okay.

i can't function without youuu i just dropped a liter of ginger ale on the floor and i fell - s

omg nO - r

you have to be safe!!! - r

go lay down shane - r

anyways. i hope you guys are good. ryan's stay solidified that he finds me at least somewhat attractive. i don't know how he acts w other people at sleepovers but i think the hickeys were something he'd only do w someone he likes.

ALSO i forgot to tell you! we played truth or dare and one of the dares he got was that he had to drink a glass of olive oil (i got it seconds later, it was much worse than you'd think). he told me that if it tasted sweet, i had to make out with him. it ended up being disgusting and we didn't but iM just saying.

okay, have a good day! i may update u if he texts me later.

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hiiii nevermind about the crush thingggg. 

he hasn't been over in awhile and has been very disinterested in my texts.

hey, are you doin alright? - s

yep, i'm great. - r

that's good - s

so i'm pretty sure he's back with his ex girlfriend! but that's okay

i hope you're okay

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helloooo

ryan recently stayed at my house and our vibe is definitely different. i've been writing a bunch of unrequited love poems or whatever so it's dulling the blow a bit, but i think that the chances of this being requited are low.

hey how r u? - s

mad :( what's up tho b? - r

why r u mad? i will fight people. do you still wanna hang on wednesday? - s

yeah i do - r

okay. i'll check with the fam - s

thanks babe - r

no problem. imy - s

i miss you more - r

i don't know what to do

no, ryan don't do this - s

no no no no no no shhhhhh. babe, those eyes. - r

i have some, yes - s

you have amazing peepers. i love them. - r

take em - s

no. unless you want mine. - r

consider your eyes, snatched - s

can i just like? snatch you. - r

yeah! lemme get my shoes on - s

i think he must be drunk. he has to be. several weeks of patchy responses, and now this? 

it doesn't make sense. 

shane is amazing and beautiful and powerful and i love him very much? yes. - r

ryan is more of all of that? yes. - s

i'm gonna love you til your ears bleed? yes. - r

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hi do u wanna hear somethin sad ?

here goes

last time ryan was at my dads house, he smoked a bit in my bathroom while blowing the smoke out the window, and there's still a filterless and p useless cig in my windowsill but i burn it when i'm lonely bc it is comforting

lmao ? i'm whipped

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

you doin okay babe? - r

i'm doin' pretty decent. how are you? safe? - s

i'm safe, pumpkin, i just had a weird feeling and i wanted to make sure you were feeling alright and well - r

i'm dying

i love him. 

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i just texted my therapist to see if there's an opening because i'm starting to drop a bit

ryan is over and is right next 2 me in bed and i'm super sad + realizing that he's never going to like me like i like him and it's like ?? i can't keep doing this

i'm starting to ACTUALLY be physically self destructive and it's v scary and my parents know that i'm being self destructive + it just makes me feel really empTy and sad bc i know i'm disappointing them

anyway. this isn't v cute but we were just outside and we were smoking and just sitting in silence on our phones (like we are now) and my dad texted to see if we were outside and i had a minor panic attack

lmAo i'm sorry

idk what my purpose is

i don't think it's this.

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are parliament cigarettes decent? - s

yes they are. theyre the shit if you're for a softer, smoother kind of boy - r

thank u - s

are you interested in smoking or writing a story or?? what's happening - r

i stole some from my mom's friend. - s

i want to smoke n look at the stars tonight - s

yes! i'll join you - r

i'm ready to get sad and lit underneath the starlight - s

yes. perfect for sad boy hours - r

oh, and your first cigarette might make you dizzy - r

i've smoked before. no worries - s

alrighty, good! i'm just looking out for my baby. - r

i feel well cared for. - s

sometime last night, ryan and i started just... talking about each other. what we mean to each other.

you're so cared for, shane. you're always cared for - r

i know. and i care for you even when i'm not functioning. u know? - s

yes i know. i understand that so much. - r

like i was really fucking high last night and you instantly liked my post and i cried - r

i've got your post notifs on bby. gotta valid8 and appreci8 as soon as i can - s

yeah. it literally warms my heart so much when you're there for me. i love you, man. i'm glad to have you in my life. like fuck?? if we never talked?? i'd be dead. - r

i love you. you're the #1 human in my life. i'm glad i got to know you - s

it was then i started to just. cry.

i'm never fuckin leaving you, man. i'm glad we got close, babe. - r

i'm better with you here. - s

that means a lot - r

it's the whole damn truth. - s

you're so wholesome and i love you - r

you're more wholesome. and i love you too - s

he had to be drunk, or something.

when you find a mans, i'm gonna have to be held back - r

idk i'm p sure i'm like unmansable. but i'll hold you back if i get lucky - s

you;re not unmansable - r

i didn't know what to say, so i didn't respond.

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okay, i know. i know, alright? 

i know that it was just a friend thing and he was drunk

but now he's back with helen again and i'm still getting updates, like nothing ever happened

i can't scrub my brain hard enough to get rid of all the "i love you's" he's said to me, but it makes me sick because they feel like they were all kinda fake. like he was just leading up to when he could get back with someone again. 

that's okay, though. we're his chaperones from the school this week so i'll at least feel a little important. 

i hope you're okay, out there. 

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HELP. ME.

ryan has come over two days this week; today is the second day in a row that ryan will/has ride/rode with me to my house to hang around until his mom can grab him (neither of us have driver's licenses, fight us about it) and this is a problem because i like him a lot but also i have a Big Plan to kill myself on Saturday/Sunday and i don't know what to do

yesterday, we walked down to a sushi joint and it felt a lot like a date but it wasn't and i jSUt

he clearly doesn't like me like that, right, so i shouldn't care, but i've got like a shit ton of cold meds and mouthwash in my bathroom and i can't hide them in time anD

heyyy can i come over for a little after school tomorrow? my mom can pick me up after - r

sure. you're always welcome - s

i don't know. i'm just nervous about everything. 

i'm def not gonna tell him that i love him, and i'm dEF not gonna tell him that i'm gonna be dead in two days but! nervous nonetheless.

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hello, still alive but i wiSh i wasn't

ryan is moving to oregon soon, i think. he's been coming over every day after school because he still doesn't have a ride until next week. he informed me that he's gonna be schooled at home / maybe move to oregon soon and i think?im broken?

i still haven't told him that i love him and i??dont think i'm going to????because he was so casual about wanting to move that i'm p sure it wouldn't go well if i told him i value him more than anything that exists.

it's so Dumb because i probably misinterpreted a really good friendship and now every time i see him i just feel Big Sick bc my value isn't v much in his eyes, i figure. as soon as he moves away, he won't have to text me back/call me for fear of seeing me at school

anyway. things aren't going great but i'm also angsty + ugly so this is to be expected!

i do though hope you're doing great. you mean a lot to me, strangers. 

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hey, strangers. or, i guess not anymore.

whoever sent this to ryan, i really don't appreciate it!! because he blocked my number and he says he's really embarrassed ! so thank you a bunch.

anyway. to everyone except those who shared this with the one person i've ever loved, i hope you're doing okay.

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hello, my name is shane and i'm Officially Getting Over Things

ryan hasn't talked to me in almost a full month and i think that this is good. for, like, me and probably him. 

i'll admit, it probably wasn't cool of me to share some of the texts we sent. but i didn't expect anyone to be reading this, especially since no one's commented or acknowledged this at all. but i've dug my grave now and i'm not gonna stop complaining about my life here, so. you can give up, strangers, if you think this has deterred me from being incredibly lonely and depressed. aha! you've been fooled. i'll be useless regardless of whether or not i have any friends. 

i've had some space. i refuse to delete his number but i deleted our texts and cleared my log of all the late night calls and stuff that's made me cry a lot, recently. it kinda sucks that a good friendship was ruined because i was stupid but it's alright! i'm being positive. at least now i don't have to clean my room because no one comes over. i think megan likes ryan more so she's on his side or whatever, but i see liam in the hallways more now and i get a nod or two. this is progress. 

anyway. to those who are reading, because now i know you're there, i'l be okay. 

hope you're good (even you, traitors). 

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another month without any contact. i'm fine with that. i'm just trying to figure out if i should get him a birthday present or not. i've got six days, no rush. 

he might not even know it's from me. 

should i just? send a birthday text? no. i'm blocked, i forgot. 

i'll think about it some more. i have some actual homework to do but i'm just here, writing to a group of people i'll never know that clearly aren't big fans of me. 

hey shane - r

what the fuck - r

what? what's up? - s

link: shane updates people on the crush he has and why nothing will ever work out (shanehasacrush.weebly.com) - r

really? - r

where'd you find that? - s

the internet is public shane, everyone can see this - r

i know - s

i really can't believe you - r

incoming call::ryan bergara

::declined::

shane, answer the damn phone - r

i'm so fucking embarrassed - r

i'm sorry, ryan - s

you can't just - r

you can't just fucking copy and paste our private shit onto the internet - r

especially not the texts i send when i'm wasted, shane, what is your fucking problem??? - r

i'm sorry, ryan - s

i don't know why i'm still doing this, but he already knows about this so i figure it should be fine. 

i'm really sorry, ryan. i'm sorry i can't just say things to you

what did you expect to fucking get - r

out of that?? - r

i didn't think anyone was reading - s

why wouldn't they? - r

i can't... i really can't believe you'd do something so stupid? - r

i'm sorry, ryan. - s

stop being sorry and delete it - r

i can't - s

::you cannot send or receive messages from ryan bergara::

oh well. it's almost the end of this semester and ryan will probably move away and i can start things over. 

how are you doing? well, i hope

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i've decided, after a long debate, that i'm going to give him a present. just gonna run by his house when he's not there (i don't really care how creepy it is, okay, we used to be friends who were okay with that kind of thing) and drop it in the mailbox and i'm gonna run away and hide in my room for a week until school starts up again.

liam keeps checking up on me and i'm thankful? i think? but i miss ryan's little check-ups he'd send when he got a bad feeling about something.

anyway. i hope that some of you are friends with him and he's doing well (idk why he wouldn't be) and his birthday will be really exciting and fun.

yes, i know it's just a birthday. but i'm dramatic

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he got his present a few hours ago and unblocked me to thank me. 

i think that's a good sign.

i didn't respond because i didn't know if he blocked me again after sending the message, but it made me feel a little wanted again! which is exciting. 

thanks for the spiritbox, shane - r

seen

i'm gonna pretend like everything is normal and i'm not alone all the time because this feels a lot like progress.

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hello hello hello hello 

it's basically christmas and i'm already planning what i'm getting for all one (1) of my friends

liam needs a new hat. i've already got it custom ordered with his name on the inside. it's cheesy but i've got to get all my cheese out somehow: by spoiling my friend

unrelated, but i'm still getting texts from ryan and ireally don't know what to do about it. i was really willing to move on but it's hard to when i get notifications at 3 am where he's just asking what classes i have next semester.

he's not even gonna be here next semester. why does it matter?

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hey, shane. have you gotten your new schedule yet? - r

no - s

i think they'll send them out next week. - r

then why would i have gotten mine now? - s

i don't want to get my hopes up.

i need a ride to a friend's house. are you guys going anywhere today? - r

no. i think liam's mom is taking him to get sweatpants later, though. - s

his mom is a nightmare. - r

correct - s

are you sure you're not going anywhere? -r

i... don't. want to get my hopes up.

 there's some weird holiday thing going on at megan's house - r

i might be getting my hopes up. 

do you ... maybe wanna go? - r

maybe it'll be fine. what do you think, internet?

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change of plans - r

just got in trouble for sneaking out - r

maybe next time? - r

be safe - s

i'm always safe - r

this feels a lot like it used to and i think i'm ready to jump back in.

not like i fell out of love,though

yikes

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school is officially out again. christmas break has begun and i'm finishing up the wrapping paper on my one (1) present and i think my heart is broken in half. 

i didn't get to see ryan for all of the week we were back. he moved classes a few months ago to avoid me, and it worked pretty spectacularly. i wonder if maybe he wishes he didn't? because i know i wish he didn't. 

i've only got one high school class next semester. the rest are all transferred, held at the college down the street. i guess i'm just super fucking smart 

(i'm not) (this system is definitely broken)

the likelihood that i'll see ryan in any of these classes is microscopic, but i'm holdin' out hope. he hasn't texted in awhile. i figured that much. 

i don't know if i should get ryan another gift, but i don't think it matters too much. i could just get him a card to burn in the fireplace or something. that would be funny, right? 

did you get a shit ton of college classes next sem? - r

yeah. - s

could you give me a ride to them? - r

yeah - s

cool - r

i don't want to ask why, i don't want to ruin a perfectly good thing but i'm just... so curious.

it's hard being like this. awkward and smitten. 

someone save me.

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what are your plans? - r

right now? - s

yeah? i guess. - r

also, for new years - r

i haven't gone outside in weeks. - s

nice. - r

i'm doing a secret santa thing with my family at the market a few miles away. it's pretty barren here, getting ready to close for the holidays, but there are some good gifts left.

i'm getting my brother scott one of those lightbulbs that connect to your phone and change color. i think they're ridiculous but he'll get a kick out of it. 

how are you? - r

decent. - s

you? - s

same - r

i love the feel of the holidays. i'm particularly a big fan of the empty streets that are usually busy with commuters. no responsibilities anymore, just joy.

how'd secret santa go? - r

i got one of those junker helicopters. remote controlled. will probably smash into the ground once it gets up into the air. - s

can i take her for a spin? - r

sure. you'll fit inside - s

yuk it up, bud. i'll get out of this town in your so called junker and i'll head for the hills - r

be careful, ryan. it'll fall apart once you reach a peak altitude of four feet - s

oh, and ryan and i are talking again. just texts. i haven't heard his voice in awhile and i'm pretty sure i forgot what my laugh sounds like.

talk soon. 

Chapter Text

merry christmas - r

merry christmas - s

i've been careful never to text first. i feel like i've got to wait until i know he wants to talk to me.

you know i still have the link, right? - r

yep - s

so, why do you keep updating ? - r

why do you keep reading? - s

i'm so exhausted with being careful. i just need to sleep for ten years. 

merry christmas, strangers. hope things go well this year. for both of us.

Chapter Text

come over - r

tomorrow - r

sleepover - r

i don't know any of your new friends, ryan - s

no, just you and me - r

like the old days - r

i'll be honest, i'm not a big fan of the old days - s

just come over tomorrow and hang out with me, dude - r

i miss ya - r

this is cruel - s

but i'll come over - s

thanks, buddy - r

yeah - s

un. fair. 

i guess i have to pack some clothes to head over there. who knows what shenanigans we'll get up to. if he lets me inside. 

if this is jake bergara playing a prank on me, i will bury myself alive. 

Chapter Text

Shane clenched his fist on the strap of his bag, tight as possible before relaxing, staring at the door like it'd tell him he was idiot for coming. He wished it did. It was more likely that Ryan had a talking door than he liked Shane back. But this was a fact, and Shane couldn't change it, and he was coming to terms with it.

The door swung open and there was Ryan, smiling and saying something to him that he couldn't hear over the heartbeat in his ears. He looked great, Ryan did. He looked happier and warmer. Shane tried to ignore that little voice in his head that said It's Because He Got Away From You.

"Hey, uh," Shane said slowly, taking a step back. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"Don't be stupid. Come in," Ryan swept his arm to the side and Shane stumbled inside, gnawing on the inside of his cheek. "I've got all the Insidious movies tee'd up for a binge."

Shane gave him a look, "We're not watching the Insidious movies to ring in the new year, Ryan."

"Why not? It'll be fun," Ryan closed and locked the door. Cleo, Ryan's black cat, curled up on the toes of Shane's sneakers and the tall boy leaned down to pet her fuzzy head. Cleo purred. "She missed you."

"I'm not... gonna make a joke about that. I'm just gonna give your cat attention," Shane removed the cat from his feet, kicking off his shoes onto the mat by the door and sitting on the hard ground. Cleo crawled into the basket of his legs. "See? What a lady. You don't give her enough credit."

"You're here to give me attention," Ryan said, crossing his arms over his chest and tilting his head. "She really missed you, huh?"

"Maybe," Shane removed his hand from under Cleo's chin, and she lashed out, grasping his wrist with her paws. "Aw."

"Alright. You've had your cat time," Ryan held his hands out, but Shane shook his head and started to push himself up. "Do you need anything? Snacks? We stocked up."

"Do you have those, uh... special cookies? The ones Linda makes--" Shane gasped as Ryan held out a Ziploc bag of them. "Oh! Sweet! Can I eat all of them?"

"That's why she makes them," Ryan tossed him the bag and Shane smiled contently. "Movie time?"

"Ugh. Okay," Shane tore the bag open, stuffing his hand inside. "Show the way."

Ryan started up the stairs, picking up random sibling debris as he went (random boxers, bags of various chips, empty treat bags for Cleo). Shane followed, two stairs behind, shoving half a cookie in his mouth to keep from talking too much. He hadn't been to Ryan's house in a long time, but it was exactly the same. Down to the smell and the temperature.

"If we start the movie marathon in," Ryan looked at his watch, "two minutes, we'll have finished the entire series with five minutes to spare before midnight."

"Why do we need five minutes before midnight?" Shane crawled onto Ryan's bed, sprawling out, settling his cookies on his chest.

Ryan looked at him. "To complain, probably."

"Right," Shane pushed himself up on an elbow, waving Ryan on. "Set everything up, then. We're on the clock."

"Alright, alright." Ryan fell to his knees in front of his clunky TV, pushing a few buttons whose labels had been worn off over years of constant play-stop-pause abuse. "You ready, big guy?"

"You know it?" Shane said, a question, moving his legs like a gatekeeper for Ryan to enter his own mattress.

Ryan sat, leaning on the wall, by the foot of the bed. Shane settled by the pillows, a solid three feet of space between them. 

Chapter Text

we're watching insidious movies. and he's 1,000,000 feet away from me on the bed. 

i can't even look at him! it's so weird.

these movies are so stupid and ryan is so scared but he's so far away + probably doesn't want me touching him (hence the distance)

i'll just sit here with my cookies and watch this lame movie 

more updates to come. 

Chapter Text

"Ryan, dude, if they're that scary to you, just don't watch 'em," Shane offered, folding the plastic bag up and tucking it into his front jeans pocket.

"I'm not scared," Ryan said indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest, turning his torso slightly away from Shane.

"Alrighty, bud," Shane nodded carefully, turning back to the screen. He wasn't in a position to pry.

Ryan seemed like he was set in concrete, unmovable, but then there was a distorted face behind Lin Shaye and Ryan jumped on top of Shane, clutching at Shane's loose t-shirt like a lifeline. His legs were wrapped around Shane's hips, contracting and grasping for whatever safety he could find.

"It's okay, bud," Shane said, hesitantly placing his hands on the top of Ryan's back, patting and petting. "You wanna turn it off?"

"N... no," Ryan said, slowly receding. He pulled his head back, removing his fists from the fabric of Shane's shirt. "I'm good."

"Yep. You seem great," Shane said, raising an eyebrow. "Seriously, Ryan. Just turn it off."

"No, it's the last movie and it's almost over." Ryan pouted, rolling off of Shane and back onto the bed. They were impossibly close, shoulders and legs pressed together. "I can do this."

"I'm sure you can."

Chapter Text

he got scared and jumped onto my lap 

hello, god, why are you testing me, so?

(((i have to tilt my phone while i type this.)))

(((he already knows i'm in love with him so it doesn't matter)

(((((((but still))))))

Chapter Text

The movie came to a close, and sure enough it was 11:55 pm and they both had their share of complaints. But, truth be told, neither of them could really focus on those anymore.

"So..." Shane looked over at him, "How about those jumpscares, huh?"

Ryan shook his head, "Let's not recall those."

"Then what in the world are we to do with these five minutes we have here?" Shane asked, and as soon as the words came out of his mouth, he realized how inviting they were. But he didn't say anything about it.

"Don't know," Ryan said quietly. He picked at the fibers of his blanket. "Is there another scary movie we should watch?"

"Eh, I think you're all scared out." Shane smiled shakily. "But we could try that new cartoon show - "

"Were you really going to?" Ryan turned to him. 11:56. "Kill yourself?"

Shane's eyes immediately turned glassy. He looked at his friend, who seemed deep in thought and completely thoughtless all at once. "What?"

"Back in August. When I was riding home with you everyday." Ryan brushed his hands across the blanket. "In your blog thing. You said - "

"I... well, it doesn't matter, because I didn't," Shane admitted, his hands awkwardly placed on his knees. 11:57. "So. Yeah."

"It does matter, and I'm sorry I left you when that was happening." His friend's voice was wrecked and Shane busied himself with counting how many veins he could see in his left wrist. "I didn't really... I didn't really think. It was just - "

"No, I understood. I still do. It was dumb, to just... kinda out you like that." Shane said softly.

"You didn't out me, Shane."

"Kinda did. But, I guess I outed myself too. So I ruined my own life too?" Shane held his hand up for a high five. 11:58.

Ryan reached out and folded Shane's fingers down. "I'm sorry I made you sad."

"No need. It was mostly me," Shane took his hand back from Ryan, but Ryan held him there. "Really, Ry. I don't mind. I'm glad you kinda put me in my place, I needed that."

"You don't need anything like that, Shane."

"Thanks." 11:59.

"I'm not moving to Oregon."

"That's good," Shane said.

"Yeah." Ryan murmured. "I never meant to hurt you."

"It's... it's okay, Ryan. I don't really want to talk about it, right now," Shane lulled his head to the side, his eyes pleading. "I can't... do this. You know?"

Ryan's phone vibrated and Shane cringed.

"That's probably Helen, huh?" Shane whispered, his chest tight.

"No, that's the alarm."

"The alarm for wha- "

Ryan tackled Shane onto the bed and kissed him. 12:00.

Chapter Text

Shane gently pushed Ryan away, his eyes wide and his mouth doing nothing to hide the panting. His shirt was moving ever so slightly as his heart pounded against his ribs.

"Hey, don't? Don't do that? Unless you." Shane couldn't talk.

"I am." Ryan said. He placed his hands along Shane's jaw. "I really am, Shane. I need you to hear me."

Shane shook his head, "Thanks a lot for the kiss, it was great, but you can't just...? You know?"

Ryan tilted his head in confusion, his thumb gently tracking against Shane's skin.

"It isn't fair when we do this stuff," Shane whispered as if there was someone just outside the door, ready to snatch Ryan off of him as soon as he spoke louder. "You can't... give me a hickey or whatever and then not answer my texts for weeks, Ryan. Weeks. It... I can't. I know it's like a thing for you and Helen and you're probably very comfortable with it. But I don't... I can't just..."

"Shane, I don't give just anyone hickeys."

"Yeah, but." Shane let his head fall back against the pillow and Ryan mouthed at his neck. "It isn't fun when I have to keep starting over every time I go home."

"It can be if you'll just believe me," Ryan nipped at his skin and Shane didn't react.

"I'm not good at On-Off. You are, and I'm glad you are, but if you want me to... be On-Off, I'm not what you want at all."

"You are what I want."

"I haven't been for a long time, Ryan. I really shouldn't have come over," Shane covered his face with his hands and Ryan pulled them away.

"Please don't cry."

"Not crying," Shane said, definitely crying.

"I love you," Ryan whispered. Shane turned his face away as the hot tears built.

Ryan pulled him into a hug until Shane calmed down. And they kissed until 5 in the morning, where they fell asleep against each other. Shane decided not to write it down in the blog because he wasn't entirely sure it was real.

Chapter Text

i'm home from ryan's and i don't know what to do. 

some stuff happened. i don't think it really happened, but i'm holding out hope that it did.

i may have cried and my head hurts really bad because i may have cried pretty hard. 

i don't know what we are anymore. i've never been sure what i am, but i think i'm even more lost when i'm with him.

i need to sleep for a week. 

thanks for coming over - r

np - s

Chapter Text

keeping warm? - r

yeah. burrito'd up - s

you? - s

not without you here. - r

if we were something, he would have said something by now. like a, "we're dating" or "i hate your guts" or something. 

this is like right in the middle of those ? what i feel, where i am. 

oh well. i need to murder my hopes mercilessly before they get killed later. 

linda made more cookies for u? - r

that's nice - s

come and get them? - r

now? - s

no, in a year - r

yes, now. before i eat them all - r

you wouldn't. but okay - s

Chapter Text

ryan's going out of town for a little while. 

i've got to go to a fam reunion - r

where? - s

out in orange - r

like, 7 hours away - r

huh - s

have fun - s

my therapist gets back tomorrow and i can't wait to tell her what a shit show my life is. she's gonna have a lot of notes !!!

i'm a noteworthy guy (joke. that's a joke.)

when i get back, we should get together - r

okay - s

and talk - r

okay - s

about things - r

yep - s

i'll miss you - r

not as much as i miss you always - s

Chapter Text

i love the fuck out of you - r

i love the fuck out of you, but more - s

i love the fuck out of you, but with my entire heart. - r

i love the fuck out of u but with my entire heart and also my faulty spare heart - s

where are u keeping that spare? i need a few pieces ya know - r

i have a spare, spare heart if you need? - s

i need a spare heart and some strawberries. - r

i've got 2 lil containers of strawbs - s

fuck, omw. - r

he's still down in orange but we're talking pretty consistently and stuff like that happens. and i feel better about things, just a bit. 

i haven't done any work but when i get home i'll do a ton and try to spend the night or kidnap you - r

i'm ready tbh - s

how,,, how do i even do school work - r

i have no idea - s

how does it even work? i'm gonna have to have help fuck - r

oof it's hard out here. - s

it's hard right here ;) - r

actually idk where i am - r

oh shit ;) - s

probably somewhere cool - s

idk when he gets back but it's not soon enough

Chapter Text

((i got his permission to post this))

oof i'm sad - r

i'm here - s

i know - r

we might need to call - r

it hit me like a brick - r

i'm here ry. whatever you need - s

it'll be a lot of dumping. is that okay? - r

of course. i'm here for whatever. no worries. i am good at bein a dumpster. - s

incoming call::ryan bergara

::accepted::

he came back a little early so we're gonna hang out in a few days. 

hey you should check your email - r

omw - s

yes sir. - r

oh, and i came back a week early. (it was bad, lots of fights) and we need to hang out - r

are you okay?? and yes we do - s

uh, yeah. i'm good. are you free this weekend? - r

we're headed somewhere this weekend but could you spend the night during the week? - s

we're gonna hang out so fuckin hard - r

yes - s

then hey (; i'll ask my mom when she's at work. what day is best for you - r

i never do anything. so i'll clean my room - s

nice. if you need to talk to me about anything, i'm here - r

'm good. thank you - s

i'm gonna abusively (gently and caringly) hug the fuck out of you and make you laugh at stupid shit. - r

u kno that's not gonna be hard. but thank you a lot - s

i hardly have anything to say other than i love ryan and i hope you are doing okay.

Chapter Text

Shane stuffed his notebook into his bag, shoving aside loose papers and the jacket he'd discarded in the hot English classroom an hour ago. He'd long since given up organization since the new semester began, but he'd never been perfect.

"Does anyone in here still ride the school bus?" Mr. Summers looked up from his laptop, raising an eyebrow.

Shane shook his head, looking around at the handful of students left. "Nope."

"Huh," he shook his head. "Getting too old. Stick around until 2:05 when the buses leave, then you're free to go."

Shane nodded, pulling himself onto the desk and placing his feet flat in the chair. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, staring at his phone. His brother was going to be late picking him up again, so it didn't matter much. His fingers opened Ryan's contact of their own volition and he was pressing the green button before he could even think.

A lot of the times he and Ryan talked, he wasn't thinking.

"Hey?"

"My brother's late picking me up," Shane pushed the chair back and forth, "Is Linda on time today or do you have time to hang out and complain?"

"Linda's on time," Ryan's voice came through the speaker and Shane groaned. "What's Scott's excuse?"

"He says there's a wreck outside - "

"Yeah, no."

"I figured," Shane looked at the clock. "I'll probably just take the big boy bus to IHOP."

"That sounds fun."

"I'd offer to bring you but there are more exciting after school activities." Shane lifted his legs, pushing the chair under the desk with his calves. He jumped down. "Like sleeping."

"I'd rather Hop it with ya," Ryan said, and Shane's face grew warm.

"I wouldn't dream of taking you away from Linda."

"No need. She says it's fine," Ryan's voice seemed like it was in the room. Shane looked up and realized it was. "Hiya."

"Oh, hello," Shane hung up the phone and slid across the line of desks to reach his friend, who stood smugly by the door. "City bus buddies?"

"Linda can drive us," Ryan opened the door, sending a glare to Mr. Summers, who was opening his mouth to say there was still a minute left before they were dismissed, "Linda says hi, Sam."

"How is she?" Summers asked; Ryan was his favorite.

"Fantastic. See you next week."

"Stay out of trouble," he gave them both a point, and Shane squinted but allowed himself to be dragged from the room.

Chapter Text

hi this is the.... third? real date we've been on? even if they're not called dates, per se. we're going out and eating and hanging out and flirting and stuff, so they're kinda dates. 

anyway. ryan went out of his way to go to ihop with me (he's sitting across the table from me AT THIS VERY MOMENT) and we're just kinda complaining and havin' a great time doing it.

idk, internet. 

i'm happy. everything feels so great

Chapter Text

"Shane," Ryan peered over his phone, "I'm right across from you."

"Correct," Shane placed his phone face down and interlocked his fingers, smiling. 

"Couldn't you wait to talk about me when I'm not here?" Ryan wrapped his hands around the hot mug and brought his shoulders to his ears, face crinkled in an exaggerated frown. 

"Couldn't you wait to read it when you're not here?" Shane grabbed a few sugar packets and broke them open. "Besides, I posted that like three seconds ago. Turn your notifications off."

"I don't think I will," Ryan sighed. "It seems like the least I could do is read your shit."

Shane winced. I want you to do the most you can do, he thought. "I guess."

Ryan looked at him. "Joking. That was a joke."

The taller boy looked out the window and nodded. "Yep."

Ryan pushed the front of his sneaker against Shane's shin under the table. "C'mon."

"Wha?" Shane smiled back at him, "I"m c'mon'in."

"I like you," Ryan said quietly. 

"Yeah," Shane agreed. "That's cool."

Ryan shook his head, "I suppose."

"I don't think I want you to casually confess this in a shitty IHOP, though." Shane said, his eyebrows drawn together, "Unless this is another little joke."

"Not little, or a joke." Ryan hooked his feet around Shane's leg, and Shane made a face. "I feel like this is the only time we can talk about this."

"About what?"

"Like, what happens."

"What happens," Shane repeated, wondering if the glass was easily shattered by a body tumbling through it at full speed. 

"Between us. And stuff." Ryan grasped the edge of the table, "From here."

"Can you. Speak in. Complete. Sentences?" Shane tilted his head, mouth playing in a small smirk, though his chest was burning. 

"Can you try not to be a dick for two seconds?" Ryan rolled his eyes, bringing his mug to his lips. "You've got such sweet words for me behind my back, but you can't just be nice for five minutes while I muscle through this?"

"It's shameful, that you've got to muscle through something like this." Shane raised his eyebrows, "Just tell me what you want to do. You've already got all my thoughts on the topic in your hand."

Ryan looked down at his phone and shrugged, "I just want you to be good, Shane. Always."

"There are other ways for me to be good, Ryan. You don't need to, like... kiss me to make me feel better," Shane offered. "I'm good with just being friends. No worries."

"But I don't want that."

"Okay."

"So let's do it."

"Right here?" Shane brushed his hands across the cold table and Ryan released his hold on Shane's leg.

"No, stupid." Ryan waved his hands around, "The dating thing."

"We're on a date, right now."

"Yeah, but now we can call it a date and you can stop complaining about my indecisiveness."

"Do I get to change your name in my phone?" Shane reached a hand out, looking to Ryan for permission. 

"My name's still... Ryan?" 

"Oh, my God." Shane covered his face with his hands. "Boyfriend. Are you my boyfriend."

"Oh!" Ryan laughed, hard and surprised, tension releasing from his shoulders. He threw his head back. "Yeah! I am."

Chapter Text

hi! sorry for the lack of an update. i got home and passed out. 

but yes, ryan and i are Actually Dating now. like, it's official and he said it with his actual mouth so it's real. 

it took nearly a year but we got there. i didn't anticipate this happening so now i don't know what to do with myself. 

have i reached the point where i can text first? am i allowed to initiate kisses? are hugs free game?

i should have thought about this before hand.

(i'm mostly kidding. i haven't been this happy in years.)

Chapter Text

five seconds ago i realized that this is gonna be the first year i'm gonna be fully appreciated on valentine's day AND the first year i get to be fully appreciative of someone else on valentine's day. 

i've got a hundred (maybe more) ideas for what i'm gonna do for my MAN

i've got a renewed sense of motivation.

how are you, by the way? also i forgive you and will stop calling you traitors.

Chapter Text

"What are you gonna do?"

Ryan's head was in Shane's lap as they mindlessly stared at the television. Neither of them were paying attention. Increasingly, it was becoming known that the flood gates had been opened and life would never be the same. Imagining what life used to be like when they kept space between them was painful. This, touching and speaking softly and with purpose, was amazing.

"What?" Shane grunted, brushing his fingers through Ryan's hair like they'd always belonged there.

"For Valentine's Day." Ryan held his phone screen in front of Shane's face.

Shane rolled his eyes. "I can't tell you, dummy. It's a secret."

"Why?" Ryan sat up, though Shane raised his arms to compensate. He refused to let go.

"If I told you what I'm gonna give you, you'll hate me for it."

"Why, because your gift sucks?"

"No, because that's how this works. People say stuff sometimes that they don't mean," Shane tried to coax Ryan's head back to his lap, "So, no. I'm not telling you."

"I'll tell you what I got you."

"Awww, Ryan. You got my gift already?" Shane bat his eyelashes. Ryan punched him in the chest.

"Yes. Do you want to know?"

"Sure."

"I'll tell you, because I'm a great boyfriend. I got you some new boots."

"Nice! I needed some." Shane nodded once, "Thank you, Future-Ryan. Much appreciated."

Ryan looked at him expectantly.

"I didn't get you boots, Ryan. It's a bit complicated."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you just? Good."

Shane shrugged, "I've had some time to think."

Ryan laid back down and pulling Shane's hands back to his hair.

Chapter Text

Shane held it out, his palms against the box with his fingers splayed outward. "Here ya go."

Ryan took it. "It's light."

"Yep." Shane rocked back and forth on his heels. "Open 'er up."

"If it's a card, I'm punching you."

"I'd never."

Ryan opened the box steadily, using his forearm as a table as he stood in his own bedroom doorway, too excited to sit down or step fully in the room. Shane was standing in front of him, bare feet in the plush carpet and hands tucked inside too-long sleeves, wringing and rocking.

"Wha?" Ryan pulled out the small bow, holding it in front of Shane. "What's this?"

Shane plucked the bow from Ryan's fingers and placed it on his head, "I give you... me."

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"Not... Not in the sexy way! Jesus." Shane held his hands out, "I'm just trying to say. That I like you a lot, and I want to be with you for a long time."

Ryan nodded slowly, "I'll be with you for a long time."

Shane reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, black ring. He offered it to Ryan, "This also comes with the Me Gift."

"Oh, shit! Shane!" Ryan tackled him and they hit the ground with a thud. He stuck his finger through the ring and surveying it, "I love it. Do you have one?"

"Yeah," Shane patted his pocket. "I didn't wanna spoil the surprise or anything."

"Smart," Ryan reached into Shane's pocket abruptly, shoving the ring onto his finger as well. "Very dapper."

"Indeed," Shane propped himself up on his elbows with a smirk.

Ryan closed the door with his foot, kissing Shane on the floor of his room. "Thank you, Shane."

"You're very welcome," Shane said, dazed. "Don't worry. I also got you chocolate and flowers."

Ryan gasped. "You didn't."

"I did." Shane pointed to the closet, "I put 'em in there."

"Shane!" Ryan scrambled off of him and flung the doors open. "You didn't!"

"I did!" Shane was still on the floor. "I figured you liked the sappy stuff."

"I do. I didn't think I would, but I do." Ryan joined him, holding a heart-shaped box in one hand and his roses in the other. "Will you share with me?"

"No, that's all yours," Shane said. "I'll admit, I didn't anticipate that you'd be so open to this."

"What, gifts?"

"No, affection."

"I don't care," Ryan shrugged. "You've been my friend for awhile, you know. It only makes sense."

Shane thought about that for a moment, grunting as Ryan shoved a chocolate between his lips.