Chapter Text
Kokichi and mailman were together in the bar, drinking beer they ordered, both sitting at the lad. Kokichi was practically laying on it, shaking glass in his hand.
Kokichi: Andd THEN *sobs and lightly hits lad with the beer* THEN HE JUST LIKE scREAMED at me FOR like NO reason *cries harder* a a a a nd he just tells me to fuck out of hIS HOUSE *SLAMS GLASS ON LAD WITH FULL STRENGTH*
Mailman: OH MAN THATS SO HARSH, JUST LIKE WHEN MY WIFE DIDN'T WANT TO BUY ME CEREALS FOR MILK
KOKICHI: HOLY SHIT THAT'S SO AWFUL BRO
Kokichi: But like, why would shuichi do that??
Mailman: Boys will be boys bro, and girls will be girls
Kokichi: The fuck does it mean.
Mailman: I don't know, just wanted to say it because sounds cool
Kokichi: ...
Nonetheless, they still have drink together that night, and much much later when they left the bar together, mailman was helping kokichi walk, and both were singing.
KOKICHI: I AM THE MILIPI
KOKICHI: I AM MAJESTIIC
KOKICHI: NO ONE WHO CAREZNCJDNDNCX
MAILMAN: WHEEEEEEEERE, DO I FIIIIIND MYYYY TEACHEEEEEER?
next day.
V3 cast, in class, lunchtime
Kaede: So for some reason Hagakure haven't told Principal we skipped classes yesterday to go to the hospital to do a check up on shuichi just to discover he indeed has amnesia as he said before
Shuichi: Wow Kaede, that's some nice summary
Kaede: uwu
Shuichi: What do you think, kiibo?
Kiibo: Y'all dumb fucks.
Shuichi: Thank you kiibo for your opinion
Kiibo: <33333
Himiko: Saiibo content? So quickly? We haven't even touched oumasai plot yet
Kaede: Wait that's right- SHUICHI, we're going to your boyfriend's house since u are his bf and there's serious lack of oumasai content
Shuichi: HE'S NOT MY- Wait I guess he is, but I don't remember it, so it's still a dick move
Tsumugi: I know right? I hate her, she will die second.
Kaede: What -
Maki: Touch my gf and you're dead.
Kaede: WAIT SINCE WHEN I'M YOUR GF-
Maki: Idk, some maki x kaede content?
KAITO: MAKI, HAVEN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE MY GF-
Maki: wait shit right that's canon. Does even canon exists here though
Kaito: what's canon
Maki: then here's your answer
Kaito: BUT
maki: dw I shall continue teaching u crawling thru vents
Kaito: k deal
Ryoma: Why do you need that knowledge again - wait also where kork has disappeared
Rantaro: *cough*
...
Kaede: You know it's the cough that will move on the plot when you hear one
Rantaro: Thank you thank you kaede- now, I wanted to bring your attention to me-
Miu: petty
Rantaro: ...BECAUSE I had something important to say-
Tsumugi: plus he thinks he's so important, smh
Rantaro:
Rantaro: *cries* okay but I just wanted to say I agree with saihara, it was a dick move kaede
Tsumugi: Ikr she will die second
Kaede: you need to stop-
Shuichi: Tfu rantaro, you only agree with that bc you want to get to kokichi's butt
RANTARO: INDEED I DO
Rantaro: But what's wrong with that
Tsumugi: Remember when I said you'll die first? Fuck it, before that I'm gonna put you in previous killing game and make sure that instead of dying you'll suffer as much as possible, then after you'll survive I'll put u in second killing game and make sure u will die first, so u will taste your miserable failure.
...
RANTARO: ????????????????????????????????????????????
Kaede: Tsum can u like idk, stop hating on us
Tsum: no
Shuichi:
Shuichi: so
Kaede: kokichi's house?
Shuichi: no
Rantaro, looking at phone: Shuichi, you might not want to return to YOUR house for a bit though
Shuichi: What.
Shuichi: Ranti ranti
Rantaro: yes saihara?
Shuichi: hiding something?
Rantaro: no saihara
Shuichi: telling lies
Rantaro: no saihara-
Shuichi: show your phone
Rantaro: *eats phone* nom nom nom
Take 2
Shuichi: show your pho- or actually
Saihara snatched phone from rantaro who started crying fabulous tears. And as saihara looked at his phone, he found a message from nagito to rantaro on discord
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GodGiveMeWillToLive: ey you ye you, the one they've been calling green komaeda when game still wasn't released in eng
Greenkomaeda: ok stfu
GodGiveMeWillToLive: bruh listen remember when I told I need to get my stuff from certain place and probably camp in there for a few days because I'm basically homeless
GodGiveMeWillToLive: yeh this place is succi's bathroom, be kindo nice and tell him to not go there for a few days
GodGiveMeWillToLive: or u know what, I'll message him myself
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
And then Saihara's phone buzzed
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GodGiveMeWillToLive: hey succi it's me your best friend, I'm gonna camp in ur bathroom for a few days and possibly invite few people, can u like not go there for a while, k thx
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Shuichi: ......
Rantaro: .........
Himiko: ...............?
Tenko: *shakes head at himiko*
Himiko: I haven't said anything yet-
Rantaro: so
Shuichi: he's dead
And so shuichi stormed off from classroom
Kaede: does he knows that class starts like in 2 minutes - I'll msg him
Kiibo: tfu u whore, I'll do it
Kaede: WHAT.
Shuichi was running thru courtyards when he get another notif
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Don't bully the robot: succi succi
Emoboi: nani nani
Don't bully the robot: in the courtyard?
Emoboi: we're not doing this meme again, it's dead
Don't bully the robot: u do realise the class will start soon right
Don't bully the robot: hagakure won't cover u up this time
EMOBOI: OK BUT IT'S EMERGENCY, SOMEONE BROKE TO MY HOUSE. I THINK HAGAKURE WILL UNDERSTAND THAT
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Hagakure: no i won't
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Emoboi: no he won't.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Meanwhile, in class
Himiko: tenko I am so sad, why did shuichi leave
Tenko: to read about kittens
Himiko: wha
RYOMA: KITTENS!
Hagakure: everyone stfu, class already started
Kaede: you're just playing on ur phone
Kaede: also why mr haiji is here
Haiji: I'm Mr. Crow
Hagakure: no
Hagakure: also I'm messaging some rich man not playing
Ryoma: he won't give you cash.
Hagakure: it's nothing like tha- OH GOD HE'S CALLING
KAEDE: WHAT
HAIJI (mr.crow?): PICK IT UP, ITS OUR CHANCE BITCHCUPCAKE
HAGAKURE: EVERYONE STFU
Hagakure picked up the phone
Hagakure: ...hello, Mister, but could you say that again but a bit lower and calm down a bit?
Hagakure: ...Mister, I think when I asked you to calm down it's exactly what I meant - I DID NOT ASK MISTER TO SCREAM EVEN LOUDER-
Hagakure: ...Mister, I think that Mister REALLY should take some pills to calm down, mister's anger issues are terrible!
Haiji (mr.crowie Bowie?): Go to the main topic
Hagakure: ...And as I was saying, your daughter is absolutely fine!
Haiji (crowie): tell him she's playing with ponnies
Hagakure: ...She's playing with Russians!
Haiji: (ಥ_ಥ)
Hagakure: ...But they are good Russians sir, here!
Hagakure gives phone to ryoma
Hagakure: *whispers* pretend you're a good Russian boy
Ryoma: Я убью тебя и заберу твою почку, а потом я откопаю ее в своем саду. Тогда я подожду, пока оно превратится в почечное дерево, и когда это произойдет, я начну продавать почки с этого дерева всем, кто беден, и я буду известен миру как «великий продавец почек». Но ты будешь мертв, хотя (I'll murder you and take your kidney, and then I'm gonna burry it in my garden. Then I'll wait till it would become a kidney tree, and after this I'd start selling kidneys to everyone who's poor, and I'll be known to the world as "the great seller of kidneys". You will be dead though)
Hagakure: *takes phone away from ryoma* ...SEE, GOOD BOY, god bless russia is a myth
HAGAKURE: ...SO YEAH, WHEN U WILL BE BACK IN COUNTRY, WE WANT ALL YOUR CAR COLLECTIONS AND MANSIONS, AND THEN YOU WILL SEE DAUGHTER AGAIN
Haiji: now threat him
Hagakure: ...and don't even think about calling the police, we have our friend there, Mr. Owl!
Hagakure: ...kapiche? Kapiche! Now goodbye! *hagakure hangs up*
Hagakure: mother of GOD, this guy seriously needs to take some calming pills, WHO would scream at someone on day like this?
Haiji: don't worry, once we will use incantation of level fourth, he will stop resisting.
Class: ...
Haiji and hagakure: ...
Hagakure: someone wants gummy bears??
Class: ...
Korekiyo: ALRIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS OPRESSION! AS CLASS REPRESENTIVE YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH KIDNAPPING SOMEONE!
Ryoma, the real class representive: wait what
Hagakure: kork pls it's not like -
Haiji: oh yeah little bitchcake? You think you can tell us what to do??
Kork: maybe -
HaIJI: THINK AGAIN- INCANTATION OF LEVEL FOURTH!!
MEANWHILE!
Succi finally got home, and is in the living room.
Succi: okay so first off I gotta kick out nagito, and then -
BUT SOMETHING KNOCKS TO THE DOOR!
himiko: did u just call me something.
Succi: *opens door* himiki wth are u doing here
Himiko: hello succi may I stay here for like hour or two
Succi: what no-
But then shuichi's phone rings
Succi: *picks up*
Tenko: Ok listen here bitchcake we don't have much time, himiko just ran away from classroom and is going to your home to - and oh my god while I was talking she just sneaked into your house didn't she
Succi: wai wha
And when succi looks away from his phone, himiko is no longer there
Succi: fuck
Meeeanwhile, with hiiimiko
Himiko: ok u lil bitchcake u need to hide, but shuichi covered up all hiding spots from the last time, what do...
???: *opens door* psssst little girl, come here to hide in the bathroom, I will give you caaandies ~~
Himiko: YAY candies- wait nagito is that u
Nagito: indeed! If u wanna then come in, but there's only carmels here
Himiko: fuck I hate them but aight.
Inner himiko: hold up himiko, what mom told you about creepy men giving you candies in bathrooms?
Himiko: hit, steal, run the fuck off
Nagito: hold on, pls don't hit me
Himiko: whatever move your ass
And so himiko went to bathroom and door closed
But it appeared that the bathroom was actually quite big, had carpet, a lot of party lights, blankets, chips on the floor, magazines, books, consoles -
Himiko: holy fucc did u bring that shit
Nagito: nope, it was already here, I'm guessing some of our friends who was here before must have left it. How nice of them
Nagito: or maybe it was shuichi - fuck that would be creepy
And suddenly, there was loud knocking
Shuichi: okay, GET your asses OUT of there, and I swear, I'll shit up your asses only a LITTLE bit.
Nagito: god no, also u realise you're not threatening to us right
Himiko: actually he's wild amnesiac so I'm crying inside
Nagito: wait amnesiac *thinks about hajime amnesiac being acrually izuru* GOD, AMNESIACS always turns out to be the worst
Nagito: also ey ey succi, did you know u got here quite of the stuff
Shuichi: what stuff
Nagito: consoles and some shits, are u such insecure person u decided to live in ur own bathroom?
Succi: nagito
Succi: we literally established a few lines ago I'm amnesiac
Nagito: fuckin—
succi: anyway pls just leave my bahtroom I'm thru some shit man I'm like amnesiac, I got like bf, I like broke up with him, pls be a human
Nagito: no
Succi: cries
MEANWHILE.
it's kokch.
Here.
In front of his own house.
But he's in bushes.
Asleep
LAST NIGHT
Kokichi: ok so like why tf in ur business people gets sent to siberia
Mailman: like idk man, they just get, maybe they heard there are some cats
Kokichi: wait but why you're saying like they wanted to go there, weren't they like forced -
PRESENT TIME
kokichi, woken up: why tf am I remembering this
Kokichi: also where tf is that mailman
Kokichi: also did I tf sign up that letter or not??
But only silence replied to him
Kokichi: sounds poetic but it's dumb
Kokichi: k but apperantly I'm at my house so that's nice
And so kokichi walked into his house, just to be greeted with...
Kokichi: holy fuck.
Kokichi: *calls hagakure*
Hagakure: ye?
Kokichi: haga... KURWA U FUCK, I WILL GET TO YOUR ASS
HAGAKURE: WHY, WHAT DID I DO NOW???
KOKICHI: MY HOUSE. THATS WHAT U DID
HAGAKURE: WAIT BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN STEALING ANYTHING FROM UR HOUSE FROM LIKE LAST FRIDAY
KOKICHI: YOU'VE BEEN WHAT
HAGAKURE: CHILL IT WAS JUST SOME FOOD FROM UR FRIDGE, U KNOW I NEED TO FEED MY FAMILY
KOKICHI: YOU DONT HAVE A FAMILY. BUT WAIT HOLD ON, SO YOU weren't the one who was here???
Hagakure: I mean I'm telling u nibba I haven't been there, I've been doing charity shit in that priest's suit I stole like two weeks ago. Boi u would be suprised how many people didn't question why dude who looks like a weedman is a priest
...
Hagakure: wait but hold on what actually happened
Kokichi: my house. Is empty.
Hagakure: what
KOKICHI: MY HOUSE IS FKING EMPTY, STAIGHT UP EMPTY - NO COMPUTER, NO SHELFS, NO BED, EVEN MY FKING TOILET
HAGAKURE: OH SHIT
kokichi: yeah, so could you kindly explain THAT?
HAGAKURE: LOOK WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME, I TOLD U I WASNT HERE
kokichi: hagakure
Kokichi: u literally told me you've already been stealing from my house before, and YOU ALREADY THREATEN ME ONCE THAT IF I WONT GIVE U MONEY FOR THAT CHARITY (yes u forgot u went to my house too dumbass) YOU WILL GET TO MY VENTS.
hagakure:
Hagakure: but IN THE END I NEVER GOT TO UR VENTS WHAT'S YOUR POINT
kokichi: you said back then "bOI U DONT EVEN KNOW HOW EASY IT IS TO USE UR VENTS"
hAGAKURE: SO
KOKICHI: SO U USED THEM AT SOME POINT OR ANOTHER
HAGKURE: K BUT WHO CARES I TOLD U I WASNT AT UR HOUSE FOR LIKE A WEEK WHY UR BRINGING IT UP NOW
kokichi: hagakure.
Kokichi: to who the fuck did you tell it's easy to break into my house thru vents
Hagakure:
Kokichi:
Hagakure: look I'm sure it's not because of that
Kokichi:...
Hagakure: LOOK I ONLY TOLD KAITO, AND HE WOULDN'T BREAK INTO UR HOUSE, HE'S NOT AN IDIOT HE WOULDNT RISK IT
kokichi: well we don't know THAT. But u know what I think actually happened?
Kokichi: kaito fricking started spreading info that it's easy to get to my ventilation
HAGAKURE: OH
KOKICHI: IDIOT, YOU KNOW HOW EASY THESE STUFF SPREAD
KOKICHI: AND SO SOMEONE HEARD ABOUT IT BROKE INTO MY HOUSE. AND AT THIS POINT IT COULD BE SOMEONE COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO BOTH U AND KAITO
hagakure: shit nibba I'm so sorry didn't know it would happen u have my deepest condolences aight bye
Kokichi: you're not getting away u dipshit. I'm going to class and steal kaito. We're gonna do some research on this dhit, and u will not tell principal we're skipping classes - by the way I wasn't in class yesterday too, so if u could say that I was sick or smth it would be neat too
Hagakure: why u think I'm gonna do tha I have no choice do i
Kokichi: for fking spreading that info, no u don't, also I'm making u do this instead of taking u to my detective group, bc I don't wanna u around
HAGAKURE: WOW RUDE
hagakure: wait did u say detective group
Kokichi: IM MAKING MY PARTY BABY! WE'RE GOING ON QUEST "WHO STOLE KOKICHI'S SHIT"
HAGAKURE: OH SHIT NIBBA I LOVE GAMES
hagakure: also bunbun I mean chihiro loves them too
Kokichi: ye but she's fucking scary I'm not inviting her to pt
BUNBUN, TRACKING THEIR CONV: WELL BACK AT U BITCH
hagakure: also you actually made a good call right there bc dude there's some shits going on here
hagakure: mr crow activated incantation bUT THEN some shit happened
kokichi: wait wha
HAGAKURE: WELL SEE U LIL BITCHCAKE, WISH ME I CAN SURVIVE THIS