Chapter Text
It’s about a week later when Castiel comes home to find Blonde Ruby sitting at the table, looking somberly at Claire. Claire’s right hand is submerged in a bowl of ice water. There are scrapes and bruises on the left side of her face.
His worst nightmares come to life in that moment. “Claire?”
Claire looks up, eyes sheepish, but not very distressed. “You should see the other guy.”
“Who did this to you?”
“Guy from school.”
“I’ll let you two talk,” Ruby says. She gives Claire a gentle punch to the shoulder. “See you later, slugger.”
“What happened?” Castiel implores as Ruby leaves.
“Well, a bunch of us decided to go see a movie. So, we all got in Alex’s car and headed to the theater, and then we were in the parking lot and this woman gets out of her car, only she’s trans, and…” Claire sighs. “She wasn’t passing, and Alex’s dumbass boyfriend Henry starts fucking snickering.”
Castiel’s a bit surprised. He knows Claire’s school has its share of intolerant youths, but Claire is careful about who she’s friends with.
“And Henry says ‘That guy’s not fooling anyone’, and he does that sometimes, you know? Like he thinks because he’s bi he can mock other people that are… you know. Queer. Like… he makes offensive lesbian jokes about me and Kaia and expects us to laugh, shit like that. And I’ve been getting so tired of it, and… that woman heard him, Dad. I saw the way she flinched… and then… and then I punched Henry in the face.”
“Claire.”
Claire looks down at the bowl of ice water. “I told him not to tell you, but… Dean’s been teaching me how to fight. Just a little. He said he’d sleep better knowing I knew how to defend myself. Point is, it was a good punch. But then I was so fucking surprised that I’d actually gone and hit him that I forgot to like… defend myself. So he punched me back and I went down easy, got all scraped up from the parking lot. Then everyone started yelling at him for hitting a girl, and he started yelling at me, asking what my problem was, and I fucking told him what the problem was. So… like I outed myself, loudly. Krissy and Josephine were there, and they didn’t know I’m trans… and Alex had never told Henry… so then Henry said he was glad to hear that, because it meant he didn’t hit a real girl, and then Alex punched him.”
Claire smiles at that, then seems to remember she’s telling a serious story and goes back to looking a bit more grim.
“I have no idea if he’s gonna tell people. He has no reason not to. Especially seeing as I cold-cocked him.” Claire takes her hand out of the bowl, and sets it on a dry dish towel. “I’m not ashamed of who I am. I’m not. I might wanna do hormone replacement therapy down the road, maybe surgery someday, maybe not… but for now I’m good with me, and how I look. But I hate the thought of having to deal with other people’s reactions. All upset like Mom, or too many questions, or like Kevin was too nice at first because he thought he needed to compensate for how others might treat me… he’s a dork. Even the positive reactions are kind of draining. I wish it was just… boring. Like… ‘oh, Claire is trans. Big whoop.’ I wish it could be like that. I don’t want to deal with everyone being weird.”
Castiel feels like his heart is going to shatter as he tries to force the next words out. Claire is his number one priority. Always. “Do you… want to leave again?”
Claire shakes her head vigorously. “No. No. I’m glad we left Pontiac, I’m glad we got a fresh start, and I’m glad I got to leave James behind in Illinois.”
It’s the first time either of them have said that name in ages… Castiel is surprised at how disconnected he feels from it.
“But we can’t drop everything and leave every time someone reacts badly to me, you know? There’s no perfect place to be trans… someone is always going to have a problem with that. Especially since… judging by your old pictures I might be passing less once I hit my mid-twenties. If I don’t do HRT. Anyway. I like the lives we’ve made here, Dad. I like my friends, and this apartment, and Dean. I’m not giving this up, and I don’t want you to either.”
Castiel smiles, making no effort to conceal his relief. “How did you get so… grown up?”
“You know I just punched a guy for saying something I didn’t like…”
“Still. You’re very logical about this. Very mature.”
“Having a therapist helps a lot,” Claire says with a grin.
*
Henry doesn’t end up spilling Claire’s private business to anyone. Castiel has no idea why, but he’s also not sure it’s his place to ask, either. Claire’s resilience is remarkable. Within a few days she seems to have forgotten the incident for the most part. Castiel certainly didn’t bounce back so easily when he was her age, and he wasn’t dealing with anything like what she’s going through. He knows Claire’s afraid sometimes. If they go somewhere new, Claire is apprehensive about using the bathroom. Sometimes she hunches in on herself near groups of men. More than once Claire has seen a story about a trans woman being attacked or worse and had to skip school for a mental health day. But for the most part, she’s content. By the time summer comes, she’s down to seeing her therapist only twice a month.
Meanwhile, things with Dean are… incredible. He has a way of making Castiel feel cherished, and it sometimes takes his breath away. There is so much love that emanates from a man Castiel had initially written off as cranky and unfriendly. Some of that change is purely because of Castiel, according to Sam. And Ruby. And Other Ruby. And Chuck. And Ash.
And eventually Dean himself.
It’s a temperate day in June. Claire and Kaia have absconded with Castiel’s car for a trip to the beach.
Dean is having a down day.
It happens. Sometimes he just wakes up unhappy. He says it’s a PTSD thing, not a big deal, something he’s used to, something he knows will pass, but it’s still hard to watch. The spark in Dean is subdued on those days, his smiles are so much harder earned. Often he prefers to be left alone on those days, and Castiel has quickly learned to not take it personally.
Castiel’s considering calling Meg to see if she wants to do something when there’s a knock at his door. It’s tentative, definitely Dean.
“Hey,” Castiel says, opening the door. “I thought you were having… a bad day.”
“I am.” Dean’s wearing an old t-shirt, boxers, and a ratty bathrobe. If he still had his beard, he’d look just like Chuck. “I just… I thought maybe instead of sulking alone, I could… um… sulk with you. If that’s okay.”
“Of course,” Castiel says, feeling touched. “My place or yours?”
Dean shrugs. “Just put a meatloaf in the oven.”
Castiel smiles. “Your place, then.”
Dean nods, timid, and Castiel follows him across the hall. The movie The Princess Bride is on Dean’s TV, paused near the beginning. It’s one of Dean’s go-to comfort movies, sometimes he even plays the soundtrack when he’s having trouble sleeping.
They sit together on the couch, not speaking, just being together. There are more of Dean’s paintings on the walls than there used to be. New ones. He’s painted Castiel, Claire, Castiel’s awful car… A few of them are up in Castiel’s apartment, and he’d take them all if he could. Castiel’s never actually seen Dean paint, never so much as seen an easel in the apartment, but he knows it still happens regularly. There’s an always-locked janitorial closet next to the laundry room in the basement, and Castiel’s almost positive that’s Dean’s “studio”, though he hasn’t asked. It’s Dean’s space of therapy, peace, it’s not really any of Castiel’s business. Still, Dean’s art makes Castiel feel… well, it makes him feel.
By the time the movie is halfway through, Dean’s lying with his head in Castiel’s lap, head turned toward the TV, Sugar sleeping on his stomach. Castiel would be content to spend every Saturday like this, watching this sweet movie, running his fingers through the short strands of Dean’s hair.
“I’m in love with you,” Dean says softly. Castiel’s fingers stall a moment, then he continues, trying to be casual while his heart is suddenly slamming around inside his chest like a hamster on amphetamines. “I kind of thought I was too broken for this kind of thing after… after. I love Sammy, of course, I love dad, but that’s hardwired into my DNA at this point.”
He rolls fully onto his back so he’s looking up at Castiel. “I guess it wasn’t a big deal after a while, not feeling that way. Even with what I went through, I got off light compared to a lot of people that go over there… but… yeah. I guess I kind of thought I was done feeling that way. I went on a date once in a while, but things never really went that far. And then you showed up, and… anyway, there it is. I’m in love with you. I have been for a while. I think it every day and it’s dumb that I haven’t told you. You make me happier than I’ve been in a long time, Cas, even if it doesn’t seem like it on days like this. And you don’t gotta… you don’t have to say anything. I just really wanted you to know.”
Dean’s trying to look passive, but Castiel can see the trepidation there. He understands. It’s hard to be the first one to say it; Dean is a much braver man than Castiel.
“As it happens, I’m very much in love with you too.”
“Oh thank God,” Dean says so loudly that Sugar wakes up and darts away. “Uh… I mean. Okay. That's cool.”
Castiel grins. “Very smooth.”
Dean’s blushing, but he pulls Castiel’s free hand to his lips, kissing the knuckles tenderly.
Castiel sighs happily, enjoying the feeling of Dean’s lips on his skin. To have this love freely given, to know Claire is safe and happy when less than a year ago the two of them were uncertain and miserable in a lonely apartment back in Illinois... Castiel feels truly blessed.
“Well,” Dean says, unpausing the movie, “I’m glad we’re on the same page.” He flashes Castiel a coy grin before rolling on his side to face the television.
Castiel resumes carding his fingers through Dean's hair, closing his eyes to savor the soft, contended sound he draws out in response. “I am too, Dean.”
THE END