Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Yuzuru has not put much thought into dates, despite his parents having the same exact day, month, and year tattooed onto their skin in permanent, unfading ink. His mother’s is sketched roughly an inch above her collar bone, easily hidden by necklaces or for some occasions makeup, while his father’s is located on the inside of his wrist, perfectly concealed by a sensible watch or a pair of long gloves.

When Yuzuru was young he had thought this was normal, that all the kids parents at school must have had matching tattoos of numbers he still couldn’t quite make sense of. That is until one day his friend looked at him with wide eyes and a mouth opened in surprise when he mentioned this fact.

“Your parents have Dates?”

“Dates? Well.. I guess those could be dates, couldn’t they?”

“Yuzuru, you mean you really don't know the myths about perfect matches having identical tattoos? I thought it didn’t happen anymore, but… wow, I guess it might. I wouldn’t tell anyone else though. Some people get worked up over people claiming to be matches. Say, Yuzu, do your parents conceal their Dates when they go out in public?”

Yuzu nods his head yes, “Yeah, Mom is always wearing a necklace or makeup, and Dad wears a watch like its apart of his skin.”

“Just like I thought.” The bell rang, signifying the end of recess along with the end of their conversation.

Yuzuru now had a lot to think about. Later, when his mom was tucking him into bed, he dared to ask the question he’d withheld asking at the dinner table. But he was also 8 years old and lacked patience or tact.

“Are you and dad really soulmates?”

His mother looked at him, shocked, “Why are you asking that all of a sudden, Yuzuru?”

“Well, some kid at school said the matching dates on yours and Father’s skin meant you were perfect matches.”

“It’s true, we are by some standards considered to be soulmates.” She paused, like she was calculating what exactly she could say about this topic to an 8 year old. “Your father and I met on my 17th birthday, July 22nd, and ever since we first laid on eyes on each other that date has been etched onto both of our bodies. The next morning the date was tattooed in dark ink in this spot right here.” She moves her hair and shows him the markings, very tiny but still readable. “Finding each other wasn’t easy, though. And even wanting to find your father took me years to do.”

“Why wouldn’t you want to find him? Isn’t he your soulmate?”

“Well yes, Yuzuru. But it’s just.. not that simple.”

“Why isn’t it that simple?”

“Because the more you grow up, the more you care what people think of you. And I cared way too much what others thought. You see, in today’s society Dates have been dismissed as being faked, or been seen as against nature or even evil. That’s why when the date appeared that next morning I tried everything I could to hide it and pretend it wasn’t there.”

“But you and father are together.”

“Yes, we are. Fate has a funny way of removing gravity from beneath your feet and then throwing you into the salty depths of the ocean, and that’s what it did for me and your father. I turned 22 and was sick of the curiosity of who else had this date tattooed on their skin. I thought about all the places I went on that day, but no matter what there were just too many faces I saw. I remember taking the subway downtown with my friends, going to a restaurant and then to karaoke. There were just too many people I saw that day and no logical way for me to find my match. By the time I was 26 and sick of being alone, I finally let my colleague and close friend set me up with a blind date.”

Yuzuru gasps, but his mother continues on, a layer of nostalgia covering her eyes and a wispy smile on her lips.

“He was a charming man, a man I could talk easily with and about anything, despite my shy and closed off nature. I agreed to go out with him a few more times and we got really close, and I eventually felt the need to be honest with him about what happened to me that day on my 17th birthday. About the date I had kept secret for so long.”

She paused to finally look at Yuzuru, who was pretty much at the edge of his bed in rapt attention. “And then? And then what?”

“But to my surprise, he took off the watch he always had on and in dark, black ink was my birthday.”

“So they were the same person all along!” His mother chuckles fondly and runs a hand through his hair, ruffling it a little bit causing him to swat her away.

“The rest you already know. We got married and had Saya and then you, but till this day no one else knows we have matching dates. Because we don’t need them to prove our love. We have you children as proof enough.”

That night Yuzu dreamed of Dates carved into ice and hoped he wouldn’t have to live like his mom and dad, carrying a secret so large and so heavy, and worst of all, permanent.

He still didn’t really think about Dates, and since his parents were the only people he’d ever seen with them he thought the probability of him ever getting one was pretty low. He much preferred thinking about the weight of shiny medals around his neck and the sharp cracks of a cleanly landed jump on freshly cleaned ice, anyway.

Yuzuru wasn’t that interested in dating like the other boys in his class were and even his sister, who had a hockey player boyfriend who skated at their rink. He figured he’d find someone after he’d won everything there was to win. He wanted to land a quad axel someday, surely there was no time for dating.

Chapter Text

They were running late, which was very unusual for the Hanyu’s, who were by now used to traveling for Yuzuru’s competitions. But somehow they ended up rushing to the rink to make it to the morning practice for Yuzuru’s second ever senior grand prix event. It wasn’t Yuzuru’s first time in Russia, but it was his first time participating in a major competition here, and he was feeling the type of nerves that normally meant he’d be puking his guts out in the bathroom at some point that day.

That point was right now, apparently, as he retched up the bento his mom packed for him that morning. He stumbled out of the stall, thankful that he had been alone but got startled when he saw a boy about his height washing his face in the sink. Yuzuru shuffled to the sink and hoped the other wouldn’t mention the screech he’d just let out.

“Sorry I scare you. Are you nervous, too? I’m really nervous. And I do this all the time. But this season sucking for me. Nerves never go away, not really.” He chuckles and shakes his head, but Yuzuru just scrunches his eyebrows in confusion. “You’re from Japan right? Won junior worlds?”

Yuzuru, in fact, had no idea what the other was saying, but managed to respond with “Yuzuru Hanyu. From Japan.” He then shakily bowed his head to the other and made to leave the bathroom, but of course ended up tripping over his own feet. He never was good at this whole walking on land thing. The other skater caught him by his shoulders, steadying him, and Yuzuru felt like throwing up again even though there was nothing left in his stomach.

“A-ariga-t-thank you very much.” He successfully bolted out of the bathroom after that.

Of course they were in the same warm up group, and of course the other, Javier Fernandez, the announcers called him, kept making eye contact with him and kind of laughing to himself. Not really laughing, but there was this look in his eyes that Yuzuru knew meant he thought the whole bathroom situation was hilarious. Yuzuru was mortified, but no one would be able to tell with how many triple axels he landed in the warm up. Well, it was only a few, but they were huge and Yuzuru would like to think he saw a few of his competitors gasp and their coaches along with them.

Despite the rough start to his morning, the rest of the day kept going and ended up being a great experience. He met a lot of other skaters, who were for the most part welcoming even though he was likely the youngest one competing that day. He saw Patrick Chan and how deep his edges were in real life took his breath away and gave him the desire to work even harder on his skating skills.

Of course the media from Japan was there to ask him how he felt and how he was preparing for his second ever senior grand prix event. He was lucky to have Tatsuki there as well, to give some deep answer that took up way too much of the reporters time, and also to have someone to talk to that could actually understand him.

Although Tatsuki seemed to be tuning him out at the moment, until he started on about what happened in the bathroom that morning. “You really tripped on nothing? Why am I not surprised.”

“Hey! I actually don’t fall that much. I just have… nervous legs.”

“Oh, so he made you nervous.”

“No, I was kinda already nervous puking in the bathroom, genius.”

“Hm. Sounds fake but okay.” Tatsuki had left him confused by that statement, but Yuzuru wasn’t one to over analyze Tatsukis words. It only left him with a headache and some bizarre realization about himself, usually. So he just shook his head and then made the other listen to some music on his mp3 player with him.

Yuzuru skated a clean short program, and ended up in sixth place. He figured that wasn’t bad for his first season, but next year he’d definitely be closer to the podium. Preferably on the top.

Javier Fernandez skated a wreck of a short program, but somehow still managed to sell the character to the Russian audience. Yuzuru knew he wouldn’t be able to pull something like that off. Yeah, the others spins and jumps and even his steps weren’t perfect, but somehow it seemed no one in the stadium could keep their eyes off him. And it wasn’t just his flashy purple suit and neon green tie, it was the way he seemed to embody every movement and weave it into a seamless story carved into ice. Yuzuru felt he had started to lack that, hyper focusing on senior level jumps and technique, and silently vowed to himself to get it back.

Patrick, to know ones real surprise, was leading after the short. Only one skater was between Fernandez and himself, and Tatsuki was down in 12th. His fellow Japanese didn’t seem that bothered by this, and told the reporters he would try his hardest to be his best self during the free. Yuzuru aspired to do the same, and went to bed as early as possible with a yearning hope to reach even the edge of the podium buried deep in his chest, and a tinge of embarrassment still left over when he let the scene from the bathroom run behind his eyelids once again.

Yuzuru woke up with a start, a stinging pain near his collarbone and a sleepy daze still clouding his senses. His alarm went off moments later which meant it was time to get ready for the day. Later in the evening he’d be skating his free program, for sure his most difficult one yet, and if he wanted to land his quad toe and two triple axels he needed to stay focused. No throwing up in bathroom stalls and tripping over his own feet today, he vowed to himself as he finally got up to shower, rubbing at his collarbone and wondering why it was still stinging slightly. Maybe he’d slept on it wrong. He was known to toss and turn in his sleep more than the average person.

He didn’t notice it until after he’d finished his shower, was fully dressed, and finally trying to tame down the mess his hair was in. He looked in the mirror and did a double take. In tiny, fine black writing, right in the same spot his mother’s Date is in, was yesterday’s date. November 18, 2010. His first reaction is to let out a scream, and the second is to find his mother. Thankfully she’s already waiting outside his door for him, so he quickly opens the hotel room door and, without opening it more than a crack, drags her in.

“Yuzuru what are you-” Her eyes somehow automatically find the date above his collarbone. Maybe it’s because hers is in the same spot, or maybe it’s just her motherly senses. To Yuzuru’s surprise, she doesn’t looked shocked. She doesn’t scream in surprise like he did. If he looks deep in her eyes he can see a bit of fear sparking up, but the soft smile on her face is keeping it at bay.

This does not keep Yuzuru from panicking, however.

“Mom, what do I do? I have to skate tonight, there’s going to be cameras and media and - Mom, why are you laughing, this is serious!” His mom shuts him up by hugging him, some of the tension leaving his body despite his best efforts.

“Honey, I’ve been hiding mine for over a decade. I’m sure I have some advice to give you.”

“Oh. Right.” He’d somehow forgotten not everyone knew about his mother’s Date, since he’d been seeing it his whole fifteen years of life. “Wait, where are you going to now? Mom, we don’t have much time left!” They actually had plenty of time, but Yuzuru wouldn’t be satisfied without being at least thirty minutes early to practice.

“Just follow me.” He followed her on wobbly legs. So much for not being nervous today. But his mother surely knew what she was doing, he reasoned to himself. If anything the date was going to be nice and hidden by tonights free skate, and hopefully forever.

They got to her room and she pulled a box from her luggage. “I got this from a local shop, and it was supposed to be for your birthday next month, but, well.” It was a simple necklace with a small blue gemstone in the middle connected by thick black string. It fit his taste quite well, and as he took it from her hands the fabric felt smooth to the touch. “It’s supposed to bring good luck. And I guess it kind of already started doing its job.” She said as she eyes his Date. It’s weird to call it his date, since he never imagined himself having one. He still wasn’t sure he even wanted it, and wondered how one goes about removing it, because it was already proving to be too much of a distraction already. He definitely didn’t consider this to be good luck.

“Now, the necklace should cover some of it, but you are still going to want to use some makeup on days your clothes won’t guarantee coverage.” His head was spinning at the thought of having to apply makeup everyday. He could barely remember to brush his hair everyday, which he still hasn’t done yet, actually. “Thank god we have the same skin tone.”

As she went about showing him the proper way to conceal the Date, Yuzuru let his mind wonder a little bit. What did this mean for him? He hoped it wouldn’t have to mean anything. He still has a lot of goals to accomplish. He wants to win two Olympic gold medals, but first he needs to choose a coach abroad and amp up his training to that of one of the greats. Plushenko, Weir, they must not have had Dates, right? How could they have kept them hidden under the public eye?

His mother must have sensed he was spiralling, because she grabbed his shoulder and squeezed. “Yuzuru, you know everything will be okay, right? I know it seems scary. The thought of everyone finding out.” She was right. It was the fear of his country finding out, more than anything else. “But you can get through this. We can. I’m so glad you told me.” Yuzuru couldn’t imagine keeping this from her, if he was being honest.

“Thank you, Mom. I do feel better now. I just.. Don’t want this to come between me and skating, you know?”

She laughed and shook her head, “It won’t, Yuzu. I don’t think anything ever could.”

Yuzuru smiled at that for the first time that day and said, “Speaking of skating, we should probably get going.”

He tried not to think about the semi life changing event from that morning in the hours until the free, but he couldn’t help his mind from wandering off. Who that he met yesterday could have the matching Date? He let himself ask this question for the first time. Surely, he met too many people yesterday to even start to sort through them. He took a plane ride, then hopped on the train, then was in a rink with maybe hundreds of people in it. It was between nearly a thousand or more candidates and he physically would never be able to figure it out.

Yuzuru didn’t really mind not knowing, though. He was almost more content with it being a completely unknown, anonymous face among the crowd. Less distractions meant more concentration, exactly what he needed for tonight's skate.

Obviously he needed much more concentration, he thought as he tripped and fell to his knees in the step sequence. He really did need to work harder. The quad he had landed at NHK evaded him here, but at least he landed it as a triple instead. The two triple axels and plethora of other triples were landed but not without some effort that he mostly felt in his knees. By the end of the program he was spent and still in sixth place. Well, at least he was consistent.

By some surprising turn of events, Patrick was knocked down to second place by Tomáš Verner, with America’s Jeremy Abbott in third. When all was said and done Yuzuru was seventh overall, Tatsuki doing better in his free then short but still in eleventh place. Javier Fernandez skated a very interesting Pirates of the Caribbean free skate, where he portrayed a pretty convincing drunken pirate. At least the character made his falls and stumbles in the footwork seem intentional, unlike Yuzuru’s own fall.

Yuzuru left Russia early the next day with no grand prix final qualification, a list of things he needed to improve on, and a secret permanently tattooed to his skin in unfading black ink.

Everything else seemed to fade away and nothing seemed to matter in comparison to survival when the rink he’d skated on for years started to shake and crumble beneath his skates. Just a month ago, when he’d thought four continents was the most important thing in the universe, seems like eons ago. Now he had to wonder if his family was okay, wonder what exactly tomorrow was going to bring or if tomorrow was even going to come.

Tomorrow did come, but tomorrow wasn’t anything like the day before it. The day before it they had a home to go back to, a family to go back to, and a knowledge of what the day was going to bring. Today was panic and dread, it was questioning their existence and if this even was their existence, that’s how questioning it was.

He can’t remember exact details of those three days in evacuation, months in repair. He remembers sharing two sleeping matts with his parents and sister, and splitting two onigiri between the four of them. Yuzu still needs to grow, would be said in a matter of fact tone as the onigiri of the largest size was placed in his hands. This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted, would run through his head as he ate it at a regretfully fast speed.

But the only thing he remembers clear as day, almost like it was yesterday, were the blindingly bright stars in the sky that made them feel like they weren’t actually alone in this world, like they weren’t completely secluded in an alternate universe.

Now, as he was picking up the pieces inside himself that got damaged that day by traveling the country performing in dozens of shows, he put his whole heart out on his sleeve to get frozen and scratched up by the cold, hard ice that made him feel complete again in some odd, sickening way. Did Yuzuru even deserve to leave this country that rattled and shook him to his very core, then coddled him and cheered for him in the coming months after?

He decides to wait another season before moving onto a Russian coach like he’d planned to before. It’s not like they can realistically afford it now, either, which was part of the reason he’d been allowed to do all these shows. Not only did they give him a decent amount of money for a 16 year old, they also gave him time to perfect his programs in a very free way.

This is the first year Yuzuru felt both his programs deep down in the marrow of his bones, his blood thrumming in his veins to the beat of both songs. He’d felt the need to become apart of the choreography this season, and tells Natalia, the Russian ice dancer that is helping Coach Nanami choreograph, that he wants people affected by the disaster to feel the before, during, and after in each jump, spin, and step. She looks at him with pity and then with understanding.

“You’re a very mature boy, Yuzuru. You will go far with skating. Farther than you can even imagine, especially if you don’t run from fate when it tries to catch you.” Yuzuru bows his head deeply at that, but does feel confused by the others statement, and the way she had seemed to stare through him. He tells himself it was simply lost in translation, even though her piercing eyes in that moment left shivers running down his spine.

The first time he performs his short program, his nose and eyes burn and he hopes that if anyone from his hometown is watching they can feel it too. His jumps are landed almost perfectly, his triple axel like a huge wave and his spins like the wind whipping through rubble. Even Coach Nanami looks misty eyed waiting for him at the boards, knowing how much he put into this program to make it something everyone can feel with him. It was hard for her, too. She lost the rink she had basically lived at and almost lost one of her best students to suffocating guilt.

Yuzuru thinks fate favors them both a ton but also plays with them far too much and far too often, as he stands on the top of the podium at Nebelhorn Trophy, and then fails to medal at Cup of China a few months later.

His goal this season was to do anything he could for his country that was in shambles, and his only way to do any tiny amount was to try and qualify for one of the biggest events of the season: the Grand Prix Final. He did feel a sense of guilt being able to skate still while others could barely even live. So if he was going to be selfishly skating, he needed to do his absolute best.

Making it to the GPF last season felt like a far off dream, but somehow this season it was a must. Each night on the ice show tours as he did the closing pose to his long program, a pose which symbolized dying just like young Romeo had, he saw the audience like stars in the sky and had vowed to do his very best.

So that’s what he was hyper focused on doing this year at Rostelecom Cup, a sharp look in his eyes and intense aura leaking from his frame as he got ready for the short program. He was prepared to leave it all out there, to throw everything he had into each and every element like he’d been doing at the ice shows over the summer. He was no longer nervous puking in bathrooms and stumbling into Spanish skaters. He now turned that nervousness into steel that lined his veins. He got fourth in Cup of China, so winning really was the only option here.

Skating felt different this year, as well. It felt like a weight on his shoulders and a thrumming in his core. It now wasn’t just about himself anymore. But the pressure helped him, not hindered, at least he thought, as he got second in the short program. It wasn’t first, but it was four places higher than last year. If he can keep it together for the free, there’s a huge percentage of chance he could win.

Yuzuru does notice something that kind of surprised him, if he’s being honest. Javier Fernandez gets fourth in the short program, and has a new coach with him at the boards and in the kiss & cry. He seems happier, Yuzuru notes, as Brian Orser says he’s proud of him and gives him a warm hug. Last year, Yuzuru vaguely remembers Morozov, the Spaniard’s previous coach, acting cold and almost disappointed in him, and it made Yuzuru uncomfortable as he watched.

Maybe it’s because Brian is a two time Olympic silver medalist himself, or maybe it’s from his experience at coaching an Olympic gold medalist, but it seems like coaching is truly his calling.

“Hey, Yuzuru! I saw you got second in the short program, congrats!” Yuzuru is startled out of his thoughts by the skater he’d just been thinking about, ironically. Yuzu still doesn’t have a full grasp on English, despite the mandatory classes he still takes at school. He thinks the other is congratulating him, and he can for sure pick out the words short program.

“Thank you. Surprise you get fourth.”

“Surprised? Wow, ouch.”

“Well, you do worse last time.”

“I could say same for you. Plus, don’t discredit me quite yet. I could overtake you with the free, afterall. It is a two part competition.”

“Hm. Bet I can beat you in free too, Fernandez.” Yuzuru said, but the way he struggled saying the others name kind of took some of the edge off, if the others smile was anything to go by.

“Alright, let’s bet. What do you want out of this?” Yuzuru didn’t really have anything he needed, but there was one thing he was quite curious about.

“If I win, you tell me why you switch coaches.”

“Oh, okay.” Javier seems shocked and a bit relieved. “If I win…” He pretends to think long and hard about it, and then says, “well, how about I tell you once I win tomorrow.”

Yuzuru scoffs at that, “Baka.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Idiot.” Javier actually really, truly laughs, and it’s one of those types of laughs that uses the whole entire body frame and shows almost all of his teeth. Yuzuru thinks he really looks nice like this, almost like he’s glowing or something. It’s strange, but he somehow can’t remove his eyes from the sight.

“We’ll see if you’ll still be saying that by tomorrow. Oh, and you can just call me Javi, if you want. It’s easier than Fernandez.”

Yuzuru bows his head slightly at the other as they part ways, a confusing feeling rising up within him along with a little bit of a pink dusting his cheeks. He would think they would be more likely to be enemies, but despite them making competitive bets over who would win, Yuzuru felt more excited and motivated then the urgent, angry feelings he assumes a stone cold rival would have given him. Strange, but Yuzuru tried not to think about it too much.

He needed to concentrate on skating and only skating, if he wanted to do well during the free tomorrow.

“Wow, Yuzu, you made a friend? And with a foreigner? I’m so proud of you!” He flinched in surprise at his Japanese teammate’s voice, who seemed to have popped up out of nowhere. Even though Tatsuki wasn’t there to taunt him in some underhanded way, Mao seemed happy to be there to take over.

“He’s not- he’s not my friend.”

“Hm. You kids sure seemed friendly, both smiling and laughing. And did he just tell you to call him ‘Javi’?”

“We were just coming to an… agreement. A bet over who would win tomorrow. A-And everyone calls him that! If we are anything at all, we are rivals.”

“Oh, I know all about rivalries, and that didn’t exactly look like one.” Yuzuru supposes she’s talking about Yuna, although Yuzuru thinks back to the longing looks they give each other, paired with Mao’s distant stares and lack of passion now that Yuna is absent from competition, and decides her rivalry is even more faulty then his. Normally he might taunt her with this but he decides not to mention it. It’s too soon considering all that happened last year. “Javier may actually have a chance, you know. He’s been close to landing both the quads in his program.”

Yuzuru rolls his eyes, but of course he knows. He saw his attempts in person at Nebelhorn Trophy and he couldn’t help but study the other skaters quad salchow that looked like a dream when he landed it with a shoo-paa. “Yeah, if he can land those, let alone his triple axel. And have you seen his spins? Barely any variety there.” Yuzuru doesn’t even sound convincing to his own ears, and by the look on Mao’s face she’s not buying it either.

“Whatever you say, little Yuzu.” She ruffles his hair, something she knows for a fact he hates. He swats her hand away and pouts. “Just remember to keep your rivals close. You never know when they could just disappear.”

Keep your rivals close, Mao had said. He ponders this while the last group wraps up the 6 minute warm up before the free skate starts. Had she regretted pushing Yuna away all those years, only to have her pulled away so abruptly? Yuzuru knows Yuna will come back probably before the next Olympics, but thinks Mao has her doubts.

He doesn’t think about them too much, though, because he can feel the start of a cold creeping up his throat and tightening his lungs, but decides if he ignores it enough he might be able to fight through it. It’s embarrassing how much he keeps stopping to blow his nose and cough during the warm up, but he keeps skating with the most confidence he can muster with his shaky legs.

Javier is about to skate, and Yuzuru watches in rapt attention even though he normally wouldn’t in fear of losing his own concentration. But he’s honestly curious, so he lets himself get into the others program. Even though they are supposed to be having a personal competition against each other, for some reason he still wants to see Javier land his quad salchow as well as he’d done during Nebelhorn.

And he does just that, along with the quad toe and all of his other jumps, as well. Yuzuru is basically holding his breath the whole time, not so much worried about his own ability but honestly and genuinely impressed with the other’s performance.

He thinks briefly that if he lost to this he might be able to accept it.

It’s finally Yuzuru’s turn, and he blows his nose one last time and hopes he can get himself together. He tries to think of the meaning this program has to him rather then the points he must gain in order to win. He for once isn’t calculating in his head, but instead putting his everything into every step and turn of his blades across the ice.

The jumping passes come easily, despite the step-out on the quad toe. Yuzuru doesn’t let this ruin the program, though, and he must put too much of his emotion in, because he nearly face plants into the ice on one of the sharp turns of Coach Namami’s dynamic choreography. He only lets this frustrate him for a moment before finishing his program off with a triple salchow and a biellmann spin.

Although he did not beat Javier in the free skate, he comes in first place overall because of the lead he had in the short program. He, surprisingly, isn’t as upset as he usually would be, what with how well Javier’s skate had captured his attention. Despite this, he is a little nervous to hear what Javier’s wish could be.

The medal ceremony goes by in a blur since all he can feel is the pounding in his head and the burn in his throat and nose. He does remember the firm handshake and shiny smile Javier had given him as Yuzuru had looked up at him before he quite literally leaped onto the first place podium, despite how unbearably terrible he felt. It hasn’t even sunken in that he had reached his goal of winning here and in turn qualifying for the Grand Prix Final, since all he can think about is going to sleep for preferably three whole days. But now, as he looked at the Japanese flag hanging high in the stadium to the sound of his national anthem, he lets himself feel proud.

But there is still the press conference, and he becomes thankful that both Javier and Jeremy talk quite a lot, since he has to take a drink from his fur and rhinestone covered water bottle everytime he tries to speak.

He’s completely zoned out until Javier says something that surprises him, so much that he thinks he must have misunderstood, which probably was the case, considering he can't understand much of what’s going on anyway. His English comprehension isn’t the best on most days, let alone when his head feels like this.

“I think Yuzuru did a really good job and I’m very happy that he is in first. To win a competition like this at such a young age, it’s very impressive.” They meet eyes over Yuzuru’s translator, and he can’t believe someone who beat him in the free skate only to get second overall can be so genuinely happy for their competitor. “So congratulations, you did a really good job.”

The rest of the press conference continues in another hazy fog for Yuzuru, but he does remember Javier complimenting him a few more times along with his coach, Brian Orser, who takes Javier’s jokes well and smiles wide when his student compares him to a father-like-figure. Somehow, Yuzuru smiles at this despite how tired his muscles are.

Javier finds him in the locker room, after he’d taken probably the warmest shower in his entire life to try and get even a little bit warm, then bundled up in all the JSF jackets he had with him.

“Hey! Yuzuru! Earth to Yuzu!” The other jolted out of whatever universe he was in at the other’s use of his nickname. “Is it alright, if I call you that? I heard Mao call you that before, and it is kind of easier for me to say, but if it makes you uncomfortable-”

“It okay. I like Yuzu most.” Usually only my closest friends call me that, he thinks, but doesn’t say out loud. And it’s not just because he doesn’t know how, and maybe has to do with the way Javier finally relaxes and smiles that wide smile of his. “Well? What you want? You beat me in free skate.”

Javier kind of shakes his head, and then reaches behind to his red and yellow backpack for the canister he has in the side pocket. “I want you to drink this. It’s special tea I always bring with me to competitions in case I get sick. My mom actually makes it in bulk for me every season, since I don’t have her with me in Toronto.” Yuzuru couldn’t imagine that, not having his mom.

“T-Thank you?” He takes the tea that Javier must have warmed up with shaky hands. “But, you not answer me. What is Javier’s wish?”

“That you drink that, and feel better, so that someday you can teach me your triple axel technique.”

“Hmm.. That is secret, but you do beat me in free skate, so I guess okay.” Yuzuru bows his head and attempts to leave before the other grabs hold of his arm.

“Wait, your question, I will still answer it for you.” Yuzuru brightens up at that, because he was honestly curious. Javier did have one of the most renowned coaches before moving to Brian, and although Yuzuru can see the progress he’s made, it was a huge risk for him to take. “But I must ask you something first. Why do you want to know? It seems odd for you to be asking.”

“Javier have barely any consistently for many seasons, although when quads landed they very good.” Javier’s face turns from annoyed to pleased within seconds. Yuzuru continues, “But this season, have two quads in free skate and one in short almost no problem. I need know what happen and why you leave coach, and how you choose coach to go.”

For some reason, he can’t stop talking, and feels like he can tell the Spanish skater he barely knows this next part, something he’s been too afraid to tell even his mom or coach. “I-I need to leave Japan. It… It hurt, seeing all damage, not being able to help or even be best in world at competition, for hometown. I need to win Olympics. I think not be able to if stay in Japan.”

He didn’t even notice he was slightly tearing up until Javier puts a warm hand on his shoulder and he jolts back to reality, but still doesn’t flinch at the other’s touch. “While I don’t feel or can even begin to feel what you’ve been through with the disaster, I can tell you what it’s like to be your country’s only hope. It feels lonely. Maybe that’s the answer to your question of why I switched coaches. It was lonely and isolating, having a coach that treats you with coldness. Somehow, right away with Brian I could tell it wasn’t going to be like that. But now it’s even better than I could have hoped. He is like the father figure that I left back home when I was seventeen, but also a friend and someone who truly believes in me. And it’s not just him that gave me the two quads you keep talking about, but the whole Toronto Cricket Club.”

“I am glad you switch coach.” He does mean it, even if it molded Javier into an even fiercer competitor for him. “You much better and happier this year then last.”

“Thank you, Yuzu.” Yuzu coming from the others mouth sounds oddly familiar and warm. “And you… you seem more intense this year, but not in a bad way. Let’s see what you can do at GPF and Worlds, kid.”

“Hey! I beat you today, no call me kid.”

“Whatever, Yuzu.” Yuzuru tries to stay mad but ends up breaking into a smile. They wave goodbye and Javier leaves the locker room. It’s not until the other is long gone that he notices the now lukewarm canister has a note taped to it.

To Yuzuru’s amazement, it reads Hope you feel better! You are always welcome at the Cricket Club, if you decide not to go to Russia. Toronto is a very peaceful place, I think it might suit you :)

The note plagues him the next few weeks before the GPF. He thinks Javier must be joking, they couldn’t possibly share the same coach while being in fierce competition with each other, right? It would make them hate each other, like Yagudin and Plushenko. But maybe what they need to move beyond everyone else is a rival to skate with everyday. Keep your rivals close, is what Mao had said to him that same day, and Yuzuru can’t help but want to follow that advice.

He remembers to pack Javier’s canister with him to Quebec, where he hopes he has a chance to return it to him. He carefully writes out a “Thank You” in English on one of the light blue sticky notes he uses for studying and places it on the surface of the canister.

Yuzuru is still recovering from what turned out to be the flu, but he makes sure to pack all of his inhalers, medications, and an ace bandage for his ankle that has been bothering him after a few nasty falls on the quad toe in practices this week.

He felt like he had something he needed to prove at the GPF, considering how he got there on such shaky terms. His placement at Cup of China is still haunting him most nights, and he picks apart his skates at both competitions nightly to remind himself not to get lazy and to always remember he has so much to improve on.

He also takes to watching other skaters online. Daisuke, Patrick, and lately Javier. He covets Daisuke and Patrick for their smooth skating skills and passionate interpretations, promising himself that one day soon he will be just as great. He basically drools over Javier’s quad salchow, and finds himself doing research on both the Spanish skater and his legend of a coach, Brian Orser. They have similar demeanors when skating, and Yuzuru lets himself wonder what it would be like to be around the both of them everyday.

The competition is rough, to say the least. He steps out of the same jump in the short program that he’s been hurting himself trying to master all week - the quad toe. It sucks, not being able to convey how much he’s been working at it in one of the most important competitions of the season.

He feels better after the free, even ecstatic, he might say, thinking he may have even a sliver of a chance at medalling. It’s the best he’s done in the free all season, just a step out of the triple salchow at the very end that will surely plague him, especially after the results are in and he finishes fourth.

Patrick, Daisuke, and Javier are the finalists, and Yuzuru feels an urgent need to practice. He’d stayed up late one too many nights watching his main three rivals skates, and now he knows for sure they are the ones to beat, as if he didn’t know before.

He makes a vow to himself to showcase everything he is capable of during Worlds, that is if he can manage to even qualify. With the way his one quad is treating him lately, his mind is becoming polluted with self doubt. Not to mention the fact that there is a pretty dense handful of Japanese men that all have a chance at one of the three spots given to the Japanese men at the World’s in Nice next year.

He almost forgets about the canister he had stuffed next to his Pooh tissue case in his duffel bag until it fell out as he was getting dressed for gala practice. He really wasn’t in the mood to talk to Javier, what with the other finishing in third and him just off the podium. Although Yuzuru did score higher in the free, the other actually landed all of his jumps in his short program and now has a medal to show for it.

But he does feel a sense of guilt at having Javier’s item still, and he knows that he can’t carry it around with him until World’s, or if he will even qualify. But the other hadn’t even said to return it, let alone when or where.

His Mother had said to meet her in the hotel lobby in ten minutes and that was twenty minutes ago. His time was wasted contemplating on if he should bring the canister, along with the note on the canister - if it was weird of him to have written a note back, if his handwriting looked too ugly, and even if the placement of the note looked strange. After taking it off, moving it, and then finally realizing how much time he had wasted on this very strange dilemma he tucked it under his arm and basically sprinted to the elevator.

And running right into, ironically and quite pitifully, the owner of the object causing so much inner turmoil for the Japanese skater.

“Kuso!”

“Woah there, kid, why are you in such a rush?” Javier says, grabbing him by his shoulders and putting him back into an upright position. “Gala practice isn’t for another forty five minutes.”

“Mom, wait in lobby. Late.” The other just nods and presses the button he’d been too out of it to notice neither of them had pressed until now. “T-Thank you.”

“Seems like I am always there to catch you. You should stop spending so much time on the ice or you’re going to forget how to walk completely.”

“Ah, you do not forget.” Yuzuru had honestly hoped he had forgotten the first day they’d met, Yuzuru has definitely tried yet ultimately failed in the end. It was simply too scarring of a moment. He didn’t like others to see him that weak and pitiful, let alone one of his main competitors.

They step into the elevator that has finally arrived, and Yuzuru has the presence of mind to press the floor he’s guessing they both need to go to, then admits something he normally wouldn’t. “I still feel embarrass.”

“At your inability to walk, or the stuff that happened when you thought you were alone? If it’s the second, don’t feel bad. It happens. To me specifically, a lot.”

“R-Really?” It did kind of surprise Yuzuru. The other seemed pretty calm and laid back most of the time, even when Yuzuru had seen him in warm ups. But when he remembers back to that day, he thinks he recalls him rambling about how he felt nervous and how white his face was. “But Javi seem.. Less nervous, this season.”

Javier thinks about this for a moment. The elevator goes down two more flights by the time he answers. “I am less nervous. I think it has to do with my environment. When I was training with Morozov, it felt suffocating. Like I had to win him over, somehow. He liked to.. Pick favorites, you could call it, and I definitely wasn’t his.”

“He sound not very nice.” Yuzuru pouts. “I like Mr. Orser better.”

“Mr. Orser? Jesus, he’d have a heart attack if you called him that!” The other laughs so hard Yuzuru wonders if he is even able to breathe, and then the elevator dings to alert them they’ve arrived at the lobby. Javier is still laughing, and now Yuzuru thinks he is a little bit, as well.

He sees his Mom looking at him strangely from where she is at the front desk, probably about to tell the clerk to call his room because of how uncharacteristically late he is, and suddenly remembers the reason he was late clutched under his arm.

“Oh! I almost forget! I wash this and bring with me back.” Javier looks confused until he must finally realize.

“Oh, Yuzu, you didn’t have-” He must realize how hesitant Yuzuru looked and sounded, because he stops and smiles comfortingly. “Thanks, Yuzu. Did the tea help at all?”

Yuzuru nods probably too enthusiastically. But Javier’s smile doesn’t falter. “Yes! It soothe throat a lot. Mom surprised when voice not completely gone next day. Usually get really sick, sometimes even stop practice.”

“Well, I’m glad. Don’t forget your side of the deal, by the way.” Javier winks and Yuzuru swears he doesn’t blush and that it’s just the cold breeze that blew in from the front door of the hotel door opening, or something. “Yuzuru, you better go talk to your mom. She really doesn’t look too happy.” He points to the front desk, where his mom surely doesn’t look too happy.

“Thank you. Again. Feel like I thank Javi too much, but really mean it.”

“Of course, Yuzu. See you at the gala.”

His mom wasn’t that mad, and he thinks it has to do with the fact that he was actually having a conversation with a friend. Or so she thinks. He doesn’t know if he can call the relationship they have a friendship, or just some series of chance meetings.

Yuzuru doesn’t have a ton of time to wallow in anger at himself for his performance at the GPF before it’s time for the Japanese nationals. Somehow, he is way more nervous then he was at any other competition this season. He feels like he has something to prove. Last year, he had gotten so close to medalling and making it to Worlds, and this year he had made it his goal to place as high as he was capable of.

He only almost throws up in the bathroom when he runs into Tatsuki, who looks white as a ghost. He asks the obvious question, “Are you nervous, too?”

“Why, do I look nervous? You look terrible. Oh no, you didn’t just puke in there did you?”

Yuzuru laughs and actually feels some of his nerves dissipate. “No, not this time. And yes, you do look nervous. You don’t have to be, you won’t be able to beat me anyway, so there’s really nothing to worry about.”

“That’s really no way to talk to your elders, little Yuzu.” Yuzuru glares at him. He hates that all of his Japanese teammates call him that. He guesses that’s the price he has to pay for being one of the youngest on the senior circuit. “I never did get to say congratulations on making it to the GPF though. I knew you were going to do it.”

Despite his confidence earlier, he still feels shy when Tatsuki compliments him like that. He shakes his head and looks at the floor. “I still need to improve.”

“Well, don’t we all. Anyway good luck tonight, Yuzu. You really should stop spending so much time in bathrooms. Wouldn’t want to fall into anymore Spanish skaters or anything.”

“Oh god, why does everyone keep bringing that up lately?”

As much bravado as he’d had in the bathroom earlier towards Tatsuki, they were basically tied for fourth place after the short program. Yuzuru is unimpressed, to say the least. In fact, he is incredibly angry at himself for not landing the quad toe. He feels hopeless, almost. People like Javier have two consistent quads and he can’t even land one?

“It’s okay, Yuzuru, you can make up those points easily if you skate a clean free.” Coach Nanami tells him, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. But she is right. All he can do now is his very best tomorrow. And then he will start picking apart all the reasons he hasn’t had a successful short for two consecutive competitions.

He is happy for his teammate Kanako, who got first in the short program. He tells her this, and she says something that surprises him. “I wish I wouldn’t have. I’d much rather be in your shoes. Having a good short to live up to is too much pressure for me, I can already feel myself messing up the free.”

She places sixth in the free and third overall, but seems happy with her results.

This kind of gives him a different perspective. It’s almost like he’s got nothing to lose, down in fourth place, looking up at the three skaters above him and thinking of them as only a few landed triple axels in points away.

He can do this.

And he does. He puts an extra double toe on the end of his triple axel combination and hears the crowd gasp, still in shock over the quad toe landing he’d saved with raw willpower followed by his first huge triple axel. After a very intense step sequence, he isn’t surprised when he singles his triple salchow, and is in fact thankful he didn’t fall on his face. He thinks his legs are going to give out before he can finish his last spin, but he thinks of homes in shambles and the families being torn to shreds by huge waves and powers his way through.

He gets first in the free skate, and he really can’t believe it. He has no one to thank but the people who have given all of their support to him.

“I knew there would come a day soon where you would beat me. I just didn’t think it would be this soon.” Daisuke says to him before the medal ceremony, and Yuzuru looks at him like he’s crazy.

“But I didn’t. I didn’t beat you, I didn’t even come close. Free placement doesn’t count. A win is a win, and you’re the one with a gold medal about to be put around your neck.”

“You’re way too naive, little Yuzu.”

Yuzuru doesn’t get to ask what he could possibly mean by that, because the medal ceremony is starting. They call out bronze medalist, Hanyu Yuzuru, and although he skates out with a fist pump and a blinding smile, he thinks he’d like to be the last one called out next year.

“What could you have to talk to me about that’s so serious?” It was odd for his coach to request an off ice meeting like this with him, especially with the limited ice-time they had for practice and with his first world championships coming up. “You’re not quitting, are you?”

Nanami shook her head and laughed, but he could see the hesitation on her face. “You have to know, Yuzuru, that you have become too good for me to coach you anymore. I know you’ve been thinking about going abroad, and I strongly recommend it. Your mother and I have set up a meeting with JSF. And it’s up to you. I can give you a list of people I think will be good for you, but you are the one who needs to choose your fate, in the end.“

He really doesn’t want to cry. It’s not like he hasn’t been thinking about this for the past two seasons, but it’s still Nanami - the woman that helped raise him, basically. He lets a few tears fall, but his voice isn’t shaky when he speaks. “Okay.” He has so much more he wants to say, but when he finally looks her in the eyes, he thinks she knows how he feels.

He takes the list from her hands and gives her a hug. “Thank you.” And he doesn't just mean for the list, he means for everything.

The next day during free study period at school he skims through the list, but knows he won’t choose any of the mostly Russian names. He wants to be national champion next year, and in order to do it, he wants two consistent quads. He thinks far enough ahead to the Olympics, a seemingly very far off and mystical event, but knows who he needs to go to in order to feel a tangible gold medal in his hands.

“Brian Orser.” The members of JSF present do have shocked looks on their faces, but they nod their heads anyway.

“You’re sure?” He nods his head yes with confidence, and his mom, sitting silently in the seat next to him, looks proud of him for talking for himself like this. “We will draft an email and send it. We most likely won’t hear back till after Worlds.”

“I understand.” He bows his head and that’s the end of it, he really might have a new coach next season, in a country he’s unfamiliar with, speaking a language that isn’t his native one, with barely anyone he knows. He is scared, but not enough to stop him from hypothetically flying across oceans and continents.

His mother had been surprised when he’d finally made up his mind to tell her, but said she felt like this could work. Canada felt like it could be their fate, she had said. Yuzuru already felt guilty about her coming with him. She’d be away from her husband and daughter. Then he remembered his parents matching dates and seemingly unbreakable bond, and figured nothing could ever really separate them.

He has a moment where he remembers his own tattoo, that he often forgets he even has, despite the fact he has to make an effort to cover it every single day. He barely ever thinks about it, but briefly wonders what the other receiver of the date November 18, 2010, is doing.

It’s absolutely crazy that it has now been over a year of him having the marking. Even though he forgets it’s there sometimes, it’s something that has felt like he has had forever. It’s like he’s always had this secret that presses weight to his chest, and maybe he always did, in some sort of way, buried somewhere deep below his ribcage. The difference is that now there is a physical reminder of it.

Maybe Canada was one step further away from his fate, or maybe it could be the opposite, and he was running towards it. Yuzuru wouldn’t know until it happened.

This was all hypothetical, of course. Brian Orser hadn’t even met with them yet afterall.

This wasn’t only my power, keeps ringing through his head, a hand pointing upwards to the sky without him even noticing. It was his way of sending his gratitude to everyone who believed that he was some beacon of hope during the darkest of times, even though he couldn’t imagine himself as being such a symbol.

Tears were streaming down his cheeks when the raw reality of what he’d just done has sunk in. He’d come into this in seventh place, with a busted ankle and a faltering self confidence, but decided in his shaky mind that he had to do everything he possibly could, even if it meant he’d die doing it.

For Sendai, for his coach, for his mom who was willing to move her entire life across the world for this. For him floating and flying on ice with a panel of judges and a room full of spectators watching.

But he didn’t feel like dying now, despite the sobs threatening to escape him as he embraced his coach, who was also failing at holding back hot tears. Nanami, who’d been there for all of his temper tantrums, who knew when to scold him and when to let him jump and jump and jump, till he completely mastered whatever he was tackling, and she had mastered the art of bandaging him up afterwards.

They had reached their end, but for Yuzuru, this was the start of a new beginning.

When he stood next to Daisuke and Patrick on the largest podium he’d ever been on, he bled happiness. This was the stuff of his dreams. These were the skaters he’d spent his nights studying when he should’ve been doing his school work. They both seemed amused by how excited he was, but he couldn’t help it - he finally felt as if he had achieved something this season.

After the medal ceremony, right before the press conference and small medal ceremony where he was going to receive his silver medal for his placement in the free skate, he finally had a chance to ask Daisuke what he had meant during nationals. He definitely didn’t feel naive, like the other had called him.

“You won over the crowd, Yuzuru. Tonight, as well. You have a raw talent that I couldn’t even come close to at seventeen.” He ruffles his hair. Yuzuru pouts but doesn’t swat his hand away, for once. “But that doesn’t mean you are better than me, kid. At least not yet. I still have a few more years on you, after all.”

“Of course, old man.” Yuzuru giggles one of his high pitched giggles, and sort of understands what the other means. But in his eyes, he hasn’t won over the crowd completely, not quite yet. And Daisuke still seems light years ahead of him, even though Yuzuru did technically beat him in the free skate by the most miniscule of points.

Yuzuru is still in a good mood during gala practice, talking and laughing with all of team Japan. He congratulates Akiko on medalling and Kanako on finishing in the top five, and does an impromptu ice dance with Mao in an attempt to lift her mood. She’d finished in sixth and on top of that was still in shock over her mother.

He couldn’t even imagine, or even want to imagine, what she must be going through this season. For her to still laugh with him made his smile grow even brighter. He let her mess with him as much as she wanted, and Yuzuru thinks she knows, but that doesn’t stop the little Yuzu’s and multiple hair ruffles.

His mood doesn’t deflate until he sees Javier, skating in circles and looking a little lost in thought. He musters up all the fake courage he has and skates towards him, nudging him on the shoulder. “Hey, Javi.”

Javier smiles at him, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes like normal. “Yuzu. Congratulations on meadaling. I saw your free skate, it was amazing. For sure the best you’ve done it all season.”

“I really, really wish I could say same to Javi.” He says, and hopes it doesn’t come off as rude, but he means exactly what he said. He knows Javier can do better. He’d proved it multiple times this season. Javier looks on the verge of offended, but seems to understand after a few moments of processing.

“Thanks, Yuzu. But I thought you would be happy to beat me?”

“I only happy beating you when Javi skate absolute best. Then it will really count.”

“Then how about we come to an agreement. From now on, we try to share a podium at every competition we are at together.”

“Sound good. Of course, I be in first, though. Must shake on it.” That they do, and now, when Javier smiles it reaches his eyes.

When they shake hands, his eyes must deceive him because he swears he sees tiny black text peeking out from under his gloves. It’s pretty dark in here since they are testing out the gala lights and Javier’s gloves are also black.

He is most likely completely imagining things.

Yuzuru does have this bad habit of trying to find people’s hidden dates. This is either because he is always worried about someone seeing his, or because he does wonder sometimes if he will ever meet anyone else who has been marked by fate. He hasn’t come across anyone yet, but if he did, he wants to ask them if they too ever feel like they are running away from something at the speed of light.

Yuzuru’s thoughts are quickly interrupted by a yell from the gala finale choreographer, who seems exasperated at the skaters lack of attention. They both attempt at hiding their laughter but only laugh harder when they accidentally meet each others knowing gazes.

They finish the practice side by side, skates almost in sync, and he would be lying if he didn’t glance at the other’s wrists a couple more times, just to make sure.

He doesn’t see anything.

Yuzuru finally hears back from the JSF regarding Brian Orser a few weeks after Worlds. It's understandable, considering how busy everyone in the skating world is during the season. Brian wants to meet with him before deciding anything, so they set up a meeting in one of the hotel office rooms JSF often uses for meetings.

He is nervous about meeting the legendary man, but knows he needs this. He hadn’t even made a backup plan. Yuzuru wasn’t really a back-up plan kind of person. If he made up his mind to do something he would do everything in his power to achieve it before forming another option in his mind. He guesses that’s why he hadn’t quit figure skating when he was young, despite how much he might have wanted to. Mastering all the jumps was just too enthralling for someone as obsessive as Yuzuru.

Brian is shorter then he expects. When they stand face to face like this, they are around the same height. He gives off a friendly vibe right away. His handshake is firm when they shake hands before sitting down.

Brian doesn’t hesitate to ask the question everyone in the room was wondering, even though they had not directly asked Yuzuru, “Why me? Why would you want to be coached by me? You know you could really go anywhere. There are plenty of coaches with more experience than me, who would be more than thrilled to snatch up a skater like you.”

Yuzuru wonders if he should say the real reason, and decides he should start off this potential relationship with as much honesty as he can muster. He makes use of the translator they have, not wanting to be misunderstood in such an important meeting.

“It’s because of Javier Fernandez. I want to train with him. I witnessed how much he’s grown in the past season, how he put two consistent quads in his program and medalled at the Grand Prix Final. I want to win not just one Olympics, but two. I have to. I know you understand the need to win, more than anyone, and I know we can do it together.” The translator takes a while, and Brian looks increasingly shocked and then Yuzuru can tell he is getting convinced.

He takes a moment to reply, then says, “I need time to consider. But I most of all need Javier’s approval before I take on another elite student.”

Yuzuru nods and might even smile a little bit, and then replies in English, “Yes, please ask Javi first.”

“ ‘Javi?’ I didn’t realize you two were close.”

“We have.. Compete… What’s word?” He looks at the translator who thankfully offers him assistance at finding the right word, “Rivalry. We make bet in Rostelecom Cup.” He decides not to mention the sort of pact they made about being on the podium together from now on, or about the tea the other had given him. And of course he leaves out the note Javier taped to it. It’s not important, anyway.

Brian shakes in laughter, “And who won?” Yuzuru crosses his arms and huffs and that’s enough for Brian to know the answer.

They part ways with Brian assuring them he will get back with them as soon as possible. Yuzuru has a good feeling, and so does his mother. “He seems like a very nice and honest man. It’s a good sign he is asking his other skater’s permission first. That means he must genuinely care about the well-being of his students.”

Yuzuru nods. He already knew that, just by watching the way Javier had acted this season as compared to the last, but it’s nice to be sure.

His mother tells him not to get his hopes up. Brian still has to come to a decision and ask his student, she says. But Yuzuru knows Javier will most likely act like he doesn’t care and that Brian will say yes. He doesn’t know why he is so confident about this, but he somehow can feel it - he is going to Toronto, and he is going as soon as possible.

His instinct is right, and before he can even properly say goodbye to all the trees still standing in Sendai he is on a plane to Toronto with all the headphones his mom would let him pack.

The first few months are hard for both him and his mother. Both of them are struggling with just about everything. Brian does his best to help, but there’s only so much he can do with how busy he is.

Eventually, they start to adapt, just like his mother promised they would. Now, their previously cold and barren Toronto apartment is starting to feel like a home. It’s patched together and still feels slightly empty , but it is theirs, and his pillows are comfortable after a long day of training.

He expects Javier to keep his distance, to maybe even feel territorial in regards to Brian and the Cricket Club. But he is anything but. Yuzuru thinks he must be one of the nicest people he has ever met. Somehow, nothing about him seems fake. This is one thing that Yuzuru really can’t believe, and he can’t help but try and look for something false within the other.

He of course fails at this. In fact studying the other all the time just makes Yuzuru admire him even more. In turn, he’s sure the other considers him a friend now, after months of banter and a handful of warm hugs. Yuzuru had fulfilled the part of the bet they’d made what seems like so long ago, and Javier’s triple axel looks the same, if he’s being honest, but it’s the thought that counts.

Instead of the Plushenko and Yagudin type relationship he thought this was going to turn into, he gets a training mate and close friend that helps him up when he falls on his sixth failed quad salchow attempt in a row.

The jump is one of the main reasons he came here but Brian only allowed him to practice it a very limited amount of times a week. While he understands why Brian is having him train skating skills, spins, and interpretation rather than jumping, his stubborn obsessive brain can’t seem to get the quad salchow out of it.

He’d even complained to Javier about it many times as they sat in the cafeteria and ate lunch together. Today his mom had even packed Javier some food after he’d gushed to her about how good it was when Yuzuru had finally let him try some. Of course his mother loved Javier, as pretty much everyone seemed to.

“You know he just wants you to build a good, strong foundation, for you to build a house on, or whatever.”

“You sound exact like Brian.” It was still weird for Yuzuru to call him just ‘Brian’, but after the fifth time of him calling his coach ‘Mr. Orser’ he’d nearly screamed at him. Yuzuru hadn’t let it come out of his mouth ever since.

“Well, you know he says things that make sense, sometimes. If he let you jump as much as you want, you’d break every bone in your body. You need working bones to win competitions. Remember that next time you complain.”

Yuzuru huffs, but doesn’t reply, since he knows the other is right.

But once Yuzuru gets the idea to do something, he just can’t stop himself. He convinces the janitor to let him make a copy of the key by telling him that Brian Orser himself told him he could. The older man must of been a fan, or really just didn’t care, because he caved very quickly.

Before he can even check all the rooms to make sure they are empty (they must be, it’s already so late) he’s on the ice with his current favorite headphones in his ears. It doesn’t take him long to start jumping, warming up with a triple axel, then his now pretty trusty and reliable quad toe, then he is finally setting up for -

“Yuzuru Hanyu! You better stop!” Oh, goddammit, so there was someone here, and that someone had a Spanish accent. He’d never heard the other raise his voice like that, and he had to admit he sort of sounded intimidating. Just a little bit.

He pulled out his headphones and tried his hardest to look innocent. Maybe the other hadn’t seen what he was about to do. “Stop what?”

“Oh, stop playing stupid, I know the entrance to your quad salchow when I see it. I could already tell it was going to be off center, by the way. Do you know how dangerous it would have been if you’d fallen all by yourself in here?”

“What, how you know it was off-center, I not even-”

“Yuzu! That’s not the point, c’mon, why don’t you understand, this is so-”

“Javier, stop being so drama, as long as Brian doesn’t find out, will be fine.”

“I already called him. He’s on his way.”

“You what?! Javier, you are supposed to be friend. How could you-”

“He wouldn’t be your friend if he wouldn’t have told me.” And there is the man he had definitely not wanted to know about his late night plans. Brian was standing at the edge of the rink, looking the angriest Yuzuru had ever seen him. Even angrier than when Javier had slept until two pm for a noon session, and his yells had almost cracked the ice that time.

Despite him breaking the rules, he really did respect his coach, and he was already starting to cry just at the idea of being scolded by him. Tears had always come easily for Yuzuru, anyway. It wouldn’t be far off to call him a cry baby even.

He thinks Javier notices he is crying, because he puts a hand on his shoulder, probably as an attempt to be comforting. Yuzuru basically throws it off and skates towards Brian, bowing his head pretty much the entire way.

“I-I’m sorry. I know- I know it wrong, that you mad, but- I just- want to jump. So bad. It like, can’t even get it out of my head. I think, if can’t land this jump, next season, I’m going to fail. And I can’t fail-“

“Yuzuru, shh, it’s okay, stop talking. I get it, alright? And yes, I am mad. Very mad, if I am being honest. But I do get it. I just don’t think you understand how dangerous it is to practice a jump you barely have any success rate at all alone like this. You won’t even have the chance to prove yourself next season if you get injured.”

Yuzuru doesn’t say anything, and he just can’t stop crying, so he nods his head yes and avoids eye contact with his coach by looking down at the ice that seems to get him in so much trouble lately.

“I’m going to leave now, because it is way past my bedtime, and I am going to trust that you will leave, as well. We will talk about this some more tomorrow. And no jumping after I leave, understand?” He looks at Javier who has skated to stand a few feet behind him. “I trust that you will make sure of that, Javier.”

Right when Brian leaves he doesn’t even look back at Javier and basically runs to the locker room, skates on and all. He knows the other is following him, but he ignores him and takes a seat to start removing his skates. The other sits right next to him.

“Yuzu, I’m sorry for telling on you. But you have to understand, right?” He ignores him. The other continues. “I knew you wouldn’t have stopped if it was just me telling you. I had to tell Brian, and I think you know that, too. So, please, just talk to me, or even look at me.”

Yuzuru does. He glares at him with all the hatred he can find within himself then finally speaks, “Get out. I not want to see you. And do me favor and never talk to me again.”

He must sound like he means it because Javier does get out without saying another word. Once the other is gone, he finally lets himself cry, like really, truly sob. And it feels good until he realizes how mean he was to Javier, and how the other was probably never going to be his friend again after this.

But that’s what he’d wanted, right? When he came here, he didn’t want a friend. He wanted a stone cold rival to challenge him in the most difficult of ways. Not warm hugs and hands and smiles.

Yes, he’d done the right thing.

But the next month goes by with them not talking even once, and Yuzuru comes to realize pretty quickly that he for sure did not do the right thing. He now has no one to talk to and his quad salchow has gotten even worse, as if that was even possible.

At this point Brian is getting fed up with both of them. “Whatever is going on with you and Javier, it needs to be resolved. It’s doing nothing but setting you both back in your training.”

“I not know what you talk about. We are fine.”

“Yeah, okay, lie to me and yourself all you want, but you and I both know this worked way better when you and Javier were on good terms.”

It sucks because he knows his coach is right. He’s coming to the conclusion that Brian is normally correct regarding most things, so he tells himself that he is going to do it. He is going to apologize to Javier.

But the thing about Yuzuru is that he is a very prideful human being. Almost to a self destructive extent he is beginning to learn the older he gets. Or maybe it isn’t his pride, but just the fact that he is a coward through and through.

It’s not until they are leaving together for Finlandia Trophy that he decides it is now or never. He remembers the promise they made to each other to always share a podium and sucks it up.

He convinces Brian to switch seats with him on the plane so that he can sit next to Javier, although Brian doesn’t take much convincing. He is probably relieved that Yuzuru seems to be making an effort to patch things up with Javier.

They sit in silence for what seems like forever, but really it has only been about ten minutes, before Yuzuru finally breaks the silence, turning his body towards Javier in his aisle seat on the airplane. “Javi. I want to say sorry. I being big baby child, and you were right entire time. I was being reckless. But I most of all sorry for what I say, and I really, really not mean it. You have to believe me.”

Javier sighs and finally meets his eyes. “I know you didn’t mean it. And I’m sorry, too. I should have tried to talk to you about it instead of ignoring you like that.”

“No, don’t say sorry. It all my fault. I ignored you, too, even though I wanted to tell you your triple axel looked really good in practice the other day.”

“Well now you are just sucking up to me. That’s a total lie. Neither of us have done very well in practice lately.” Yuzuru laughs and has to completely agree with that, despite how painful it is for him.

“Maybe we need apologize to Brian, too. I think he has thousand more gray hairs because of us.”

“Hey! I heard that, you brat.” Brian says from his seat just a few aisles ahead of them. The pair both break out in uncontrollable laughter, and Yuzuru admits to himself that he missed hearing the other laugh, and can also admit that he is extremely content when the other lets him rest his head on his shoulder for a long duration of the flight.

Yuzuru feels refreshed and motivated going into the short program, although he can’t deny how nervous he is to debut his new short program he has been working incredibly hard to master with his new choreographer Jeffrey Buttle. Jeffrey had come to him and Brian with this music that was so different from what Yuzuru was used to skating to and somehow it fit him so incredibly well.

He had fun skating this program, which was never really the case for Yuzuru in the past, or at least so far in his senior career. He’d taken the more serious route so far, not really even considering the idea of doing something like electric guitar for his program. But, so far, it was going great in practice. Now it was just time to showcase what he’d been perfecting in practice during competition.

This competition was one of great importance to Yuzuru personally, as well. One of his dreams ever since his love for figure skating formed was to someday compete on the same ice as his idol. And tonight, that dream was coming true. While he had met Johnny Weir a few times before it was different warming up on the same ice as him with the electric energy that laces the air during competitions.

He could barely keep his legs steady during the warm-up, and afterwards, Javier didn’t keep it a secret how funny he found this. “What so funny?”

“Y-You are.” The other says through laughter. “You could barely even skate out there because of your lovely Johnny.”

“It not like that! I just admire his skating since really young, of course I nervous skating with him!”

“Oooooh Johnny is gonna see this, better do as many triple axels as possible.”

“Jaaaviii! Stop make fun of me!” He basically cries, looking around to make sure no one can hear them but no one around seems to be listening and the music playing is too loud for anyone to really hear them, anyway. That is of course not counting Brian, who is sitting in the chair next to Javier.

The other already knows the extent of his fanboying probably even better then Javier does. He had to listen to him basically fight with David Wilson about doing a Johnny inspired free skate this season until he had finally agreed to do Notre Dame de Paris for him.

“Alright, alright. Javi, that’s enough.” Their coach says, although Yuzuru glares at him for sounding amused by this. “But Yuzuru, he does have a point. Make sure you stay concentrated for this afternoon.”

“I am very concentrate.” Javier scoffs out an as if at that. “Maybe Javi need concentrate more, he one who teasing me.”

“We’ll see about that after the short program, little Yuzu.”

“Hey! What have I said about that name! My life already living hell with Japan teammates calling me that, don’t need friend Javi doing it too.”

“Okay, noted.” Javier agrees and then reaches around him to pat his thigh.

Yuzuru leans in to whisper, “I think Brian have few more gray hairs. See,” He points at their coaches hair, “Look, right there.” Javier laughs and then envelopes the other in a semi-hug turned shake of his entire body.

Yuzuru smiles wide and is so, so glad they are back to normal. And it seems like they might even be better than normal. It’s almost like their fight had tightened the strings that seemed to hold them together. Yuzuru pictured the strings to be red and too look thin, but to not even waver every time he reaches out to touch them. He imagines it would take a saw in order to cut them completely.

They’d shared the Finlandia Trophy podium like they’d promised they would, and it was a joyous experience for both of them, Yuzuru coming in first and Javier in third. He’d also successfully watched Johnny compete with stars in his eyes while trying to tune out Javier laughing at him.

The strings get thicker and grow into a deeper shade of red as the year passes in a disastrous, in Yuzuru's mind, season. Both his mother and coach would disagree with him on this, considering the world records for the short program he had broken and the silver medal he had been able to snatch at the Grand Prix Final.

It had been a good eighteenth birthday present, but it ached to know he could’ve done better.

“What do you mean, you could’ve done better? At least you got a medal.” Javier sounds exasperated with him and Yuzuru understands why.

“Wish Javi get a medal, too. I like most when you with me on podium.”

“Well I’ll make sure to do better next time, just for you.” He says sarcastically. “But wait, I got you something. I know your birthday was a few days ago, and well, you are always wearing those necklaces, so.” He pulls out a long box and hands it to him.

“Oh, Javi, you really not have to get me anything, and this looks really nice-“

“Yuzu shut up and just open it. You are finally turning eighteen, of course I got you something.”

Yuzuru doesn’t take much convincing before he tore it open. And it looks even nicer than he thought. Usually he wears more blue and green stones on his jewelry, but this has a beautiful warm sapphire colored stone attached by two black strings. Somehow, it reminds him of Javier, and he can’t wait to start wearing it.

“Javi!! I really love this, thank you.”

Javier looks pleased. “I’m glad. Need help putting it on?” He asks as the other looks like he is struggling with the clasp. Yuzuru nods, and Javier’s fingers seem shaky as he takes the two pieces from his fingers and clasps them together.

Nationals comes and goes in a hailstorm of overwhelming joy followed by undeniable and almost tangible dread. He had imagined being here last year, at the top of the podium, a gold medal around his neck - but he didn’t imagine the part where he felt like he didn’t deserve it. The medal felt like it weighed a thousand pounds around his neck and felt hot as lava when he touched it.

The crowd threatened to swallow him whole. Daisuke was meant to win this, it wasn’t his time, and the crowd obviously felt the same. It didn’t matter that he had scratched and scraped his way to the top of this podium with sheer will.

Maybe now he understood what Daisuke had meant last year about him being naive. He definitely felt naive now, as he held back tears that felt as hot and heavy as the medal around his neck.

He couldn’t even look at Daisuke, the man he felt he stole this from, until the other basically forced him to with a hand on his chin. “I wish they wouldn’t have done that to you. Yuzuru, you deserved that win, no matter what anybody says. They don’t matter.”

“If they don’t matter, what does, Daisuke?”

He points at the cursed medal around his neck. “This does. And it’s yours, it probably will be for awhile. So please, don’t feel pity for me, that’s when I’ll know I’m actually getting old.”

Yuzuru laughs but he feels hollow.

But it all seemed to fade in comparison to his just off the podium finish at Worlds. He’s being a hypocrite by being slightly upset that Javier was able to get on it while he wasn’t. Javier was always nothing but happy for him when he succeeded, even before they considered themselves friends.

This is just proof to Yuzuru that Javier was on a whole different level of kind. Maybe it was that Yuzuru just wasn’t mentally built to lose, but it was more likely that the other was just a whole nother breed of human that sometimes shone too bright for Yuzuru to look at without squinting his eyes.

He even wants to physically fight Javier when he attempts to talk to him after he had received his small bronze medal for his placement in the free skate.

“So we are back to trading third-fourths, huh?”

“I not in mood for joke, Javier.” He rarely ever calls the other by his full name anymore, but he does today, since he wants the other to know he really is not in the mood.

“Ooh, ‘Javier’? Ouch, that really hurts, Hanyu.”

Yuzuru tries not to smile, he really does, but he can’t help and not only smile but laugh pretty loudly. Javier looks pleased, and even attempts to take the medal Yuzuru still has around his neck and put it around his own. Yuzuru even lets him for a second, before he shoves the other in the shoulder and takes it back.

Standing there side by side in a room full of people, Yuzuru realizes with an electric jolt that he seems to really not be able to stay angry at Javier.

He wonders what exactly that means.

Yuzuru starts to wonder a lot of things during the summer shows before the start of the Olympic season. Like if he will have enough time to catch the gold medal he had come all the way to Toronto in an attempt to chase, and if a medal like that will feel hot and heavy around his neck.

But he also finds himself wondering how Javier seems to light up whole arenas with his eyes and smile, and why he is just now noticing. He wonders why the other’s hand has never felt hot and heavy in his like his first national gold medal had, and if this meant he’d been living life the wrong way all this time.

But then he pulls up the picture of the Sochi gold medal he has saved and his brain switches gears right away.

Instead of wondering about hands and smiles and eyes he puts all of his energy into convincing David to choreograph his long program to Romeo and Juliet. It’s something he knows he needs to skate to, and that is exactly what he writes in his email to the choreographer, all in the most dramatic way he can possibly come up with.

Javier helps him with his grammar, even though his could be better, too. “Do you really want to skate to this music that bad? I mean ‘I have to or I will die’ seems a little dramatic, even for you.” Javier asks him, the glow of Yuzuru’s laptop lighting up his face beautifully in the dimly lit hotel room. “And Yuzu, you really don’t need this music to win. You could probably win with other music, if you tried hard enough.”

“I know being dramatic, but.. It important music to me, really.”

“But why?” Yuzuru gets this far off look in his eyes, and Javier must notice. “I mean, if it’s too personal, you don’t have to tell me.”

“No, no it’s okay. I want tell you. When I first skate this music, it brought back love for skating, sort of. Made me realize I could keep skating, I guess. After earthquake I almost quit. But then I start doing ice shows in order to keep practicing, and Coach Nanami choreograph this program for me, and it’s almost like skating held meaning, again. Maybe that’s why I want to skate it at Olympics, because it reminds me of those times. I want hometown to know I haven’t forgotten even though it has seemed like I ran away.”

Javier pulls his chair closer to his and wipes one of the thousand degree tears from his cheek. His hand feels just the right temperature on his skin, and Yuzuru all of sudden feels foolish. “I’m sorry always crying.”

“Yuzuru, you know you don’t have to apologize to me. This is what friends are for.”

This is what friends are for, is another thing for Yuzuru to wonder about, as David goes over the choreography for his new program a month later. He had plenty of friends back home, but none of their hands felt like Javi’s, and none of their smiles lit up arenas all on their own.

The music is the more classical version of Romeo and Juliet, and this time Yuzuru plays with the idea of being Juliet rather then the Romeo he’d been at age sixteen. David looks thoughtful when he finally conveys this to him and he seems inspired for the first time that day. “Interesting, Yuzuru. I’m going to make a few changes to the choreography.”

He does, and now Yuzuru starts to feel inspired, as well. He’s not the same as he was almost three years ago, but the music was like a time travelling device, throwing him back to the mindset he had when Nanami had first introduced the program to him. When he’d put his whole heart on his sleeve to get scratched and scraped by cold, rock hard ice for the first time. Now he thinks there’s nothing much left of it to put on his Johnny Weir designed sleeve.

They take careful steps when designing his free skate costume. Each stone is picked to bring good luck and each piece of fabric must feel right against his skin. It takes a plethora of fittings till it feels just right, and it doesn’t matter that it’s Johnny’s work he is altering, because this is important. It’s the Olympics, after all.

With the Olympics comes a lot of sacrifices, Yuzuru has found. He spends less time talking to Javier or any of his Japanese teammates, and more time picking through all the possible scenarios of what could go wrong or right in February.

Javier does manage to get him to eat with him in the cafeteria instead of on the bench he has been eating on lately. He looks concerned as he sits down across from him, Yuzuru notices, but keeps eating anyway. “Yuzu. You seem distant lately. Is everything okay?”

“Everything fine. Just concentrate. Quad salchow still not consistent, still tired after most run throughs, and I keep messing up combo in short.” There’s more he could say, but doesn’t. Javier is still his competitor, even though he also might consider him his best friend. This doesn’t change the fact that the gold medal could slip right through his own fingers and into Javier’s during the right scenario.

“Is shutting everyone out going to make your quads consistent? Because that is what you are doing.”

“Maybe it will, maybe it not, but I’m not about to find out what happens if I start slacking off. Some of us actually dedicate whole lives to getting gold.” Yuzuru’s words have an edge to them, and he swears he’s not trying to attack Javier, but he can’t help but be defensive. He knows it probably won’t help and that when he lets Javier in he is more likely to succeed, but he can’t help but be scared of bright smiles and eyes and hands fitting perfectly around his waist.

“I’m not the one with a shitty quad sal and a stuck up attitude.” Javier is seething at this point, but Yuzuru doesn’t respond. He just counts the grains of rice on his plate. “You know one day people are going to get sick of chasing after you and finally give up, and then you are going to be left with nothing. People aren’t just going to be there for you only when you want them to.”

Yuzuru grinds his teeth and fights off hot tears, because the other had gotten it completely correct. He wondered how the other could figure out the fears he kept buried deep below his ribcage and shout them in a pure white cafeteria like it was nothing.

That was the last time he’d really talked to Javier. Now they were both practicing as hard as they could at opposite sides of the rinks. Brian didn’t notice their fight this time, or at least didn’t mention it.

It’s almost like Yuzuru had succeeded at cutting the thick red strings connecting them with the saw he had mentioned earlier. Yuzuru told himself he was glad. Ecstatic, even. But the truth was, he felt hollow, like Japanese nationals level hollow. He knocked and knocked but all he could hear was emptiness. So he filled that barren space with jumps, spins, and the story of Juliet.

But at one point it all built up until a few hours before the short program at the Grand Prix Final when he finally realized that Javi wasn’t there to pick up the pieces like usual. Javier was right when he told him he only used people when he needed them. Now, he had no one, because Javi hadn’t made it to the GPF this season.

He had been so stupid and selfish. He didn’t deserve his spot, because he really couldn’t have come this far without Javier, who he had pushed so far out with brick walls he’d secretly wished the other tried a little harder to push down.

“Yuzu, are you alright in there?” He heard Brian call him from the other side of the bathroom door. His Mother must have let the other into their hotel room after her many failed attempts at getting him to talk.

He doesn’t want to be rude, so he opens the door. “I’m fine.”

“You and I both know that’s not true. Practice starts in twenty minutes and you aren’t even dressed yet.” Yuzuru fiddles with his necklace and stares at his shoeless feet.

“Is it about the free skate? Are you that nervous? Because you shouldn’t be, we’ve talked about this, you’ve done the training necessary to win. You are many points ahead-”

“It not about skate. I mean, kind of is, I am nervous- but it’s not, I just-”

“Is it Javier?” Yuzuru’s gaze jerks up from the floor to look at Brian, wide eyes and gaping mouth. “Oh c’mon Yuzu, I wasn’t born yesterday, and I actually do own a pair of working eyes. Everyone at the rink knows you two aren’t getting along.”

“It’s just… I very concentrate, on Olympics, on winning Olympics. So much that I can’t even keep friends. I just don’t know… how? But I do know I need to apologize to Javi. I need him. But he say I only use people when I need them. And it’s true! I do it right now. I wanted to call him, because panic in bathroom about free skate, and-”

“Yuzuru.” He puts a hand on his shoulder. “You know all you have to do is apologize to him and he will forgive you right away. You and I both know that kid spoils you.”

Yuzuru nods, refusing to let the tears in his eyes drop. “Okay.”

“And this is one more piece of advice I have for you: don’t get impatient. Even if things are so tangled up you can’t do anything, don’t get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread before it’s ready to come undone. You have to figure it’s going to be a long process and that you’ll work on things slowly, one at a time. Relationships are the same as skating - you must have a strong foundation. Now let’s go before your mom gets even more worried.”

“Thank you, Brian.” He really does mean it.

Yuzuru wins the whole event but feels nothing but regret for the shambles that were left of his life back in Toronto and the urgent need to mold it into something salvageable. The gold medal felt good around his neck, sure, but he thinks having Javier by his side would have felt way better.

“Javi, we need talk.” The other keeps walking. “Please.”

“Why?” He finally stops and looks at him. “So you can rub it in my face that your methods won you gold while mine didn’t even get me a spot?”

“N-No, that’s not at all what I want to say. I say I’m sorry. So, so sorry. I could not have.. I wouldn’t have been…” Yuzuru sighs and runs a hand through his hair in exasperation. Just because he knows what he wants to say in his head doesn’t mean it’s going to come out the way he’s intending.

He grabs Javier’s left hand instead and is sad when he realizes it’s covered by a glove. The warmth seeping through gives him the confidence he needs to continue, though.

“I wouldn’t have been able to achieve anything without you. A-And you right. I do push people away, I am selfish, I only let you in when it’s beneficial for me, and that wrong. That’s not what friends for. I-I never been good friend to you.”

“Yuzu, stop, that’s not completely true.”

“No, stop, it is true. I always mad when you beat me, but if I beat you, expect you to be happy for me as always. I always crying and never give you chance to.” He’s crying now, and Javier’s gloved hand moves to wipe the tears from his cheek. He’s glad the hallway they are in is empty now, since they had both stayed way too late that night.

“See?” Yuzuru chuckles. “Even crying now.”

“Yuzu, I never meant what I said, I know you just have walls built up. It’s not your fault. You just feel like you owe them a gold medal, it’s understandable that you would do whatever you think is necessary to get it. I was the one being selfish calling you out on it. You don’t owe me anything.”

“But Javi, I do owe you. So much. I think about this whole Grand Prix Final, how much you have helped me. So I got you a gift while in Japan.” He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a small cube shaped container.

Brian had said the other would forgive him, but he wanted to make sure the other knew his apology was sincere. He’d gone out their last day in Japan, telling his mom he just wanted to take a look at the shops. He had no idea what he wanted to get the other until he’d passed the watch shop his mother always used to take him to. Yuzuru remembers being very small looking eye level at the watches in the glass and staring in awe as she picked one out for his father.

“I-I know you have a lot of them, but think that’s why you might actually use it. I get Spanish flag engraved, because I know you miss home, too. If you don’t like it, I kept the receipt, so -”

“Yuzuru, shut up. I love it. But… why? You’re the one who just had a birthday. Why would you spend money to get me a watch?”

“I just spend time telling you why. I not be able to do this without you, idiot. And I think, now you know I really sincere. Not just use you.” Yuzuru huffs, avoiding eye contact with the other. “Now, do you forgive me?”

“I kind of already did. Like the moment I left the cafeteria.” Javier laughs, and Yuzuru isn’t going to lie and say he didn’t start crying a little bit more at the sound of it.

But through his tears he sees something that makes him wipe the liquid from his eyes like his life depends on it. Because in a way, it sort of does, to some degree. Because he swears he sees the date he has become so acquainted with for the last three years tattooed on Javier’s wrist.

Chapter Text

November 18, 2010, disappears when Javier finishes placing the watch Yuzuru just gifted him on his wrist. There one second and gone the next, like a shooting star or maybe a broken promise. Or maybe like that moment in the bathroom that he still thinks about in passing that is now magnified with blinding clarity.

Of course, Yuzuru thinks, of course, it had to be Javi. Because who else? He’d finally accepted the fact he needed the other, vowed not to push him away, but their matching fate would push them farther away than ever before, if Yuzuru knew himself at all. Never in his life had he wanted any of this - a match, a soulmate. To him, these were distractions.

The things he knew he wanted were too fragile and too fleeting to risk, he decided, right there in the cricket club hallway with tears drying on his face. With Javier looking at him with a tinge of amusement and a large dose of warmth. Yuzuru smiled, despite the storm raging behind his ribcage.

He didn’t know the other’s thoughts on soulmates, on Dates marking your fate. For as long as they’d been friends the other always had a significant other. Right now it was an ice dancer named Courtney that gave Yuzuru warm smiles when they passed by each other those rare times she came to meet Javier at the Cricket Club. Yuzuru never gave them much thought, since it never directly concerned Yuzuru, or Yuzuru and Javier’s attempt at being friendly rivals.

This cemented his decision to bury this new information somewhere not even Yuzuru could uncover it. He just hoped it wouldn’t start to weigh him down, but he already had the feeling he would need loads of cement or brick to keep it from polluting his subconscious.

They were in a good place, he reasoned. Javier didn’t need to know. They would stay like this, training mates with an indescribable bond, teetering on the line between best friends and soulmates.

And that would be enough. It had to be.

Yuzuru grew used to burying the knowledge that Javier and him had matching Dates. So used to it that he began to forget about it entirely. He begins to wonder if he even saw it in the first place, and then lets himself fall into the other’s warm embrace, until he sees it imprinted onto his eyelids and tries to pull those red strings holding them together apart.

But somehow he finds himself drifting to Javier’s side against his will. They are getting closer and closer and Yuzuru lets himself selfishly bask in the warmth Javier emanates in the ice cold rink. The other thaws out his frayed nerves that are being torn apart by the Olympic games rushing towards them at the speed of light.

And before he knows it, there he is. The Olympic rink looks even bigger and more intimidating then it did when he had skated there nearly a year ago. But Yuzuru isn’t afraid. If anything this makes him more excited to try and make his mark on history during the three events he has. That’s three chances to show what he has been working towards since he was four years old and Yuzuru has to squeeze his eyes shut and marvel on how far he has come.

Far enough to practice on the same ice as Evgeni Plushenko. This time, when Yuzuru is obviously giddy over this fact, bragging to Javier that he is never going to wash the hand that Plushenko shook, Javier doesn’t make fun of him. He does laugh but it’s more one of fondness rather then mocking.

“Really? Because it already looks sweaty and gross and it hasn’t even been ten minutes since.” Javier points out then grabs Yuzuru’s hand to inspect it. Yuzuru slaps his hand away and gasps, affronted.

“Hey! Don’t taint my hand with your Javi germs! This hand is sacred.” That obviously just makes the other reach for his hand that Yuzuru is now actively hiding from him. Yuzuru knows he could just run away, but for some reason doesn’t, and maybe doesn’t fight too much when Javier finally grabs onto his hand. He may even squeeze Javier’s hand a bit when the other intertwines their fingers.

“Okay now I will definitely wash my hand.” Javier uses his free hand to swat Yuzuru on the head.

Yuzuru tells himself to have fun during the team event and even Brian tells him he doesn’t have to be perfect. That seems to do the trick because he nearly is. Yuzuru once again thinks that Brian is some sort of prophetic genius.

He doesn’t feel pressured by his good performance in the team event but instead finds the things he needs to improve from it and makes it his goal to at least reach for his personal best. The Olympic ice has to be where he is fated to be, he thinks as he lands all three of his jumping passes with the most ease he’s had all season.

And then he gets his score: 101.45. That elusive 100-point-barrier that everyone has been chasing. The number that he has come so very close to that has now become a barely believable reality, echoing through the Olympic stadium and through his eardrums and drowning out everything else.

Javier is skating next and Yuzuru doesn’t forget to cheer as loud as he can for the other. And it’s because they are training mates, if anything, and he wants to see the other do as well as Yuzuru knows for a fact he can do.

Javier places third overall and Yuzuru feels very proud to be able to say they train together. Both of them are in the top three in the whole entire world right in that moment and nothing can make him not beam proudly at that fact.

He had imagined himself taking the Olympic stage since he was very young but he is not quite sure when he added Javier to the equation. But, in retrospect, he is happy he did. He can’t imagine a scenario where Javier wasn’t reaching for the top right by his side.

Yuzuru feels something mounting and mounting inside of him and he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep it all stuffed down while still being able to jump four rotations in the air while still landing on one blade. He went into this competition with the mindset that he would treat it like any other but now the bright Olympic rings feel like they are burned into his retinas, making it hard for him to get any sleep the night before the free program.

But he does what he does best: ignores it and skates like his life depends on it. And to him, maybe it kind of does. Because if he can’t even do this, then all the sacrifices he has consciously let others make for him will be for nothing. And he thinks they are for nothing when he not only falls on the quad salchow but also the triple flip.

He only almost cracks in half right there in the kiss & cry but instead plasters on a smile and waves to the camera like he isn’t completely torn to shreds over his stupid mistakes. He has pretty much accepted his defeat and was already making plans in his head on how to win the next two games as revenge when he sees Patrick’s score.

“Oh my god.” He says, completely breathless.

“You’re the first.”

“I’m first? I’m the first?”

“Yup, you are.”

“Oh my god, oh my god.” Is all he can say, really. His eyes and ears must be deceiving him because he really can’t believe it, that after accepting his defeat and already starting to move on from it, the gold medal really ended up slipping into his fingers. He doesn’t know why or how but he knows that he must use all of his strength to keep it grasped in his clammy, shaking hands.

He stumbles through the mixed zone with Japanese and English and Russian flying around him like bees buzzing in their hive. He does his best to talk to everybody while still outside of his body somewhat. Maybe it is still in the rink falling on his quad salchow. He definitely doesn’t feel present - that’s for sure. He doesn’t until he finally gets to see Brian and automatically embraces the other.

“I-I did it?” It’s clearly a question. It’s almost like he needs Brian to confirm it for him for it to become reality.

“You did, boy. You did it.” Brian obviously is still in shock as well, but he is still an anchor for Yuzu, and he finally can feel like himself again. And then he sees Javier from behind his shoulder and that’s when he fully wakes up with an electric jolt. The other hadn’t done it or even come close. He was in the most frustrating place of all - fourth.

And maybe now he is crying, at least internally, because there is still media to talk to and photos to take and his mother to hug. But his mind is in disaster mode, since without him realizing it, in each possible scenario he had concocted Javier was sharing a podium with him in every single one.

“Fancy meeting you here, Mr. Olympic Gold Medalist.”

“You finally track me down. I been hiding from you, you know. I even sent Mao to distract you.” Yuzuru jokes, punching Javier in the arm. Yuzuru was actually the one who has been trying to get a moment with Javier who seems to be avoiding being even within the same five foot radius as him. It’s not like Yuzuru can blame the other. If Javier had won the gold over him Yuzuru would probably be throwing much bigger of a fit and they both know it.

“Is that why she kept giving me drinks? And here I thought she was just trying to catch up with an old friend.” The thought of Javi and Mao catching up on anything makes Yuzuru shiver in fear.

“Javi.. I need to tell you. You so bad. For not keeping promise.”

Javier looks genuinely confused, his eyebrows scrunched up and head tilting to the side. Yuzuru smiles at that and something growing deep in his chest begins to wake up like it is being fed sunlight for the first time in weeks. “What promise?”

“You not remember, silly? We promise be on podium at every event together. But I look to my right and left and neither is Javi. So you are so bad.” If anyone else were to hear him say that, they might think it was too harsh. But Javier just smiles with all of his teeth and some of his gums showing. Because he knows what Yuzuru really means is I missed you up there.

“So sorry, Yuzu. Next time I will make sure to be at the top of it, just for you.” Is what Javier says in reply. But Yuzuru thinks he means he missed him too.

“Shake on it?” Yuzuru asks, but Javier pulls him into a hug instead, and whatever has been growing inside of him just started crawling up his throat. And if he doesn’t talk to someone about it soon he knows it will start to suffocate him.

And who better to talk to than the one who has been there since the start of it all? Tatsuki. But it’s Tatsuki, after all, who has a flare for dramatics and an almost too philosophical way of speaking. So when Yuzuru finds him at their shared table later that night and whispers, “Can we talk?” Of course the other drags him to a balcony Yuzuru didn’t even know existed.

Before Yuzuru can even start talking Tatsuki looks him right in the eye and points a finger right in his face. “You are hiding. You are running from something, aren’t you?”

Originally Yuzuru was going to keep it vague. Ask the other what it means to feel like you are going to suffocate when a certain person touches you but also feel like you need them to in order to keep living. But he somehow knows Tatsuki will see right through that.

Literally only one percent of his mind is assuring him that it will be fine to tell the other everything while the other ninety nine is screaming at him to shut up. But Yuzuru just won an Olympic gold medal. What has he got to lose besides everything?

“Ever heard of soul dates?” He asks it casually, trying to sound like he hasn’t had one since he was fifteen.

“Of course you of all people have one. Literally the one person who has absolutely no interest in finding a man.” The other actually laughs so loud Yuzuru is worried the people on the ground four stories below them will be able to hear.

“A man? Wait, how do you know they are a man?”

“So that means you even know who they are? I thought the chances of getting a soul marking are one in a million let alone finding it’s matching Date.”

“You are always tricking me into telling you things! I swear that brain of yours is too powerful!” He is basically yelling at the other, but Tatsuki’s amused smile stays in place. “But I will not tell you who it is, no matter what.”

“Give me one guess. One guess, and if I get it wrong, I will never bring them up ever again.” Yuzuru hesitates, but then nods his head yes. There is absolutely no way that Tatsuki could get it right. They see each other maybe a handful of times a year.

“Okay then, go for it.”

“It’s Javier.”

“What?! H-how did you even guess that?”

“It’s really not that hard to narrow it down. You don’t have many friends, and I know most of them, and they most definitely wouldn't be a match with you. But with Javier… I don't know, you are different?”

“Different?”

“You seem like you.. Trust him. You have a hard time trusting anyone, even the people you’ve known triple the amount of time.”

“I guess that’s true. I do trust him. But not enough, apparently. I haven't… told him. That I saw his date. I know you will probably tell me I should.”

“Maybe you should, maybe you shouldn’t. But think of it like this - life is not like water. Things in life don’t necessarily flow over the shortest possible route. Life is more like ice. Hard and cold, but sometimes beautiful, and for people like you and Javier, it’s your everything. So I get why you haven't said anything.” Yuzuru doesn't have a follow up for that, unsurprisingly. Most of the time Tatsuki tends to leave him speechless.

Before their conversation ends completely, Yuzuru says, “Hey, Tatsuki, could I call you, if I have to?”

Tatsuki laughs joyously, clapping his hands together and slightly jumping up and down. “Of course, little Yuzu!!! Anytime! I’m up most of the time - sleep is just a metaphor, anyways.”

“Thank you, Tatsuki.” Again left semi-speechless by the other, but he does mean it. It is a weight off his shoulders that another soul knows. He feels like he can finally move air in and out of his lungs, and maybe now he will stop thinking about it all day and night. And even in his metaphorical sleep.

Yuzuru really has no idea how his teammates convinced him to go out on the last night they’d be in Sochi, when the next morning they all had to be up extremely early for their flights. Maybe it had to do with the way his teammates had backed him into a (literal) corner when they had caught him going to get ice earlier in the afternoon.

“It’s your fault for winning the gold medal, now you absolutely have to come.” Daisuke had said in a matter of fact voice, everyone else nodding their heads in sync.

How was he supposed to say no to that? He couldn’t exactly keep using the “my mom said no” excuse forever. He really should start spending more time with his teammates, anyway. He only gets to see them a few times per year, and he does start to miss them in the suffocating English of Toronto.

But it doesn’t help that Yuzuru is now the only sober one in a suffocating karaoke room. But here he is - a coke in one hand and a drunk and crying Mao in the other. She has been talking in slurred words to him for awhile now, but she is just now starting to speak clearly enough for him to understand.

“I- I thought I had more time. I thought we had more time.” Yuzuru figures she isn’t talking about them, but a certain Sochi silver medalist and herself. “Chances run out so quick, Yuzuru. Don’t abuse them, because one day we all run out.” Yuzuru is startled, because she never calls him by his full name like that. In fact she has never sounded so serious when talking to him. They have too much of a teasing sibling type relationship for that.

Yuzuru doesn’t know what to say, or if the other will even hear him if he speaks. She continues, the words flooding out of her like she has been waiting to say them to him for years. “I know she’s the one, the one with the same fate etched into her skin. I think she knows it, too. But we both ran away from fate far too many times. It’s tired of playing games with us, it seems. Now she’s really, actually gone. Don’t let this ever happen to you, little Yuzu. I know you have it too. I know you are running from fate at the speed of light.”

Yuzuru can’t be sure, what with the dim lighting in the karaoke room, but he’s sure he saw the date December 2, 2004 in tiny black ink below her right ear.

He wants to tell her that it isn’t too late. That Yuna is probably in a similar state to her right now, and that hopefully she has someone to cry on. But then she stops staring deep into his eyes and seeing right through his soul to grab another drink and accept a slow dance from Daisuke, crying again into his shoulder and then laughing loudly as he spins her round and round.

He wonders how she seems to know about the secret he keeps hidden really deep. He thinks Tatsuki might have told her, but Yuzuru knows that he’s not the type to tell secrets. But maybe the reason why is because she sees some of herself in him. Maybe she can see the same amount of longing mixed with fear as he stares at his rivals face when he thinks no one's watching, as she feels the same things deep inside herself for her own.

The vague advice from his Japanese teammates seem to soak into his veins but he still can’t seem to put a plan in action. All he can do is be swept up with the attention an Olympic gold medal has given him. This was his dream, he had to keep telling himself, this is what you wanted. But he can’t help but feel as if he’s stuck in a nightmare, sometimes. It’s a nightmare where he got a gold medal he doesn’t feel he deserves, one where he feels loneliness deep in his very tired bones even when he’s surrounded by his whole hometown.

He misses when they didn’t think of him as invincible.

But he fights through it with surprisingly genuine smiles even though he feels out of place, because he finally has some sense that he has actually done something. Even if it felt like a cheap win, the weight the medal holds is the only thing proving to him that this is, in fact, reality.

But parades and interviews and wax figurines can’t take up too much of his time, because he has a world championships he with no doubt in his mind has to win. Not only is he the Olympic champion, he’s the Olympic champion skating at home. In Japan, where his sport is almost too popular.

Brian knows this too, of course, since he knows pretty much everything.

“Yuzuru. I need you to breathe.” He’s gasping for air after his third long program run through of the session. Normally Brian doesn’t mind if he wants a few extra tries, but the way Yuzuru is manically skating is starting to be a concern. “I said breathe.”

He finally does, a hand on his burning chest. Brian waits until his breathing is somewhat calm until he speaks again. “Okay, now look at me. What has gotten into you? Your run throughs have been pretty much clean. Your step sequence is the best it’s been all season. Why are you working yourself into an asthma attack right now?”

“I don’t know.” He does know. Brian gives him that look. The one that makes Yuzuru give up any ideas he had of lying to the other. He sighs and runs a hand through his sweat laden hair. “I… I need to be perfect.”

“You don’t have to be perfect.”

“Yes I do!” Yuzuru practically yells, and he can feel most of the people at the Cricket Club turning to stare at them. “You not understand. They.. they expect me to be perfect. I not perfect at Olympics, I have to be here! If I can’t even do that.. if I can’t even do that, then-“

“Then what? They take the medal away from you? They can’t, Yuzuru. No one can. It’s yours, you earned it. Now stop acting like you didn’t, because some of us never got that chance! Don’t tell me I don’t understand, because if there’s anyone in the world who does, it’s me.” Yuzuru blinks. he had forgotten, somehow, that Brian was put on a pedestal by his whole entire country. “Brian Orser, the gold medal favorite.” “The best in the country.” “Canada’s only hope.” He made one mistake, and he was deemed a failure. The headlines automatically turned into ”Brian Orser the failure.”

“I’m sorry, I just.. I don’t want people saying Olympic gold medalist can’t even get world title. I want to give best performance.”

“I know, I know you do. And you will. But over training is almost worse for you.” Yuzuru nods his head firmly. “Okay, now go take a rest, alright?”

It seems to take him triple the amount of time it usually does to unlace his skates. He doesn’t know why his hands are shaking, or why he can’t seem to focus his eyes on anything in particular.

“Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven't answered me."

Yuzu flinched and looked up from the boots he had finally managed to unlace. “W-What? Sorry, I not hear you.”

“Yeah, I could tell.” Javier took a seat next to him, leaning his head back on the metal lockers lining the wall behind them. He looks carefree and relaxed. He was the picture of everything Yuzuru wished he could be. Yuzuru thinks of something his mother told him once many years ago - that soulmates were the equivalent to the two opposite sides of a coin. They showed completely different pictures but were made from the same material. He wonders if this applies to the two of them. “Yuzu. Are you okay?”

“Y-Yeah, why you ask?”

“I saw what happened with Brian. And well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m no Olympic gold medalist, but I can understand the need to do your absolute best at World’s.”

Yuzuru nods his head, steel filling his eyes and straightening out his shoulders. “Yes. We must do best at World’s.” Javier laughs at this, for some reason, and then takes his pointer finger and places it between Yuzuru’s eyebrows. He can’t find the strength in his arms to swat the hand away. And then it moves to ruffle his hair and Yuzuru feels his heart break cracks in his ribcage.

“Why don’t you come and do something with me, Yuzuru? I think you need some fresh air.”

“It February. In Toronto.”

“You’re a figure skater, shouldn’t you be used to the cold?”

Yuzuru thinks about it, for once. Usually he would automatically say no, using studying as an excuse, and the other would nod in that overly understanding Javier way, not making him feel guilty even though he had a right to. But this time, Yuzuru thinks about what he would do if he went home - study his quad attempts on his laptop, try and fail to write the essay due at the end of the week, and then eventually play games until midnight.

Yeah, so maybe he does need to get his mind off of things. It obviously isn’t proving to be productive thinking about everything so damn much. So when he says, “Sure. Where to?” It surprises Yuzuru almost as much as it does Javier.

“C’mon, why can’t I play in the play place? We already illegally go to Mcdonald’s.”

“I can’t allow it. Do you know how much trouble we’d be in if you got hurt, or caught some sort of sickness from all the germs in there? I will carry you out of here if I have to.”

Yuzuru stands his ground for a moment until Javier actually makes a move to pick him up.

“Okay, okay! But let’s go somewhere else to eat food. I know perfect place.”

“You know a place? But I thought you never went outside?”

“Hey!” Yuzuru swats at the other’s arm. “I just not like public place. But I love trees, remind me of home.”

That’s how they end up in the semi-secluded park that Yuzuru usually comes to when his mother tries to force him out of their apartment for once. They are sitting on a bench in front of a small pond big enough to house one pair of ducks that apparently didn’t get the memo that Toronto was cold in February.

“This what I love about Toronto. Not all city have spaces where nature seems pretty much untouch by humans.” Yuzuru says as he feeds another one of Javier’s french fries to the pair of ducks. “Awww Javi look! They split the fry in two to share!”

“Yeah, my fry.” He says, but has a warm smile on his face that almost keeps Yuzuru from shivering in the cold. The ducks quack, asking for more fries, and Javier throws them a generous handful. One duck feeds the other a fry, and Yuzuru almost starts crying.

“They are so cute! They have got to be soul mates.” He’s laughing as he says it, but a pang rings through his chest at the term. He briefly wishes they could switch places with those ducks - being soul mates seems so easy for them. Here they are, tiny little things out in the cold but still finding excitement in something as trivial as ice cold fries.

“Maybe, if soul mates were real.”

“Hm. You not think soul mates are real?” He’s treading on dangerous waters, daring to ask the question, but it’s not like he can simply shut up about it with the image of the other’s matching date still burned into his retina’s.

He pictures Javier noticing his own tattoo for the first time that morning that seems like it happened eons ago. Had he freaked out like Yuzuru had? He was 15 at the time which would put Javier at 18. He was there alone with no mother to coach him through it like Yuzuru luckily had.

“Having someone you are destined to be with, maybe, but it being dictated by a single mark made on skin, not really. I want to make my own decisions. I would like to keep my soul to myself. Carve my own path in space and time, not it be made for me.” Yuzuru just stares at the ducks. They are sharing the last fry. “But I guess… I guess I could be wrong.”

“I-” Yuzuru hesitates. “I believe in them.” He didn’t even know he truly did until he said it out loud. But now that the words were out there turning to ice cubes in the freezing air, he couldn’t melt them now. Unless he lit a match, maybe.

“But why? There’s no proof besides fairy tales and speculations. All I heard growing up in school was girls fantasizing about some soul mate they were going to one day meet and fall in love with and have some happily ever after ending. But that’s all reckless dreaming. You and I both know only less than 2% of the population ever even gets a Date, and them finding their match is hardly ever heard of. Tattoos appearing on skin overnight has to have some other explanation. I thought you were into science, not baseless theories?”

“I am into science. But there’s a lot of things it not explain.” Just less than a year ago he would have been agreeing with everything the other said, but now that he has a face to match the date on his collarbone with, he has to admit his opinion has changed without him even noticing.

He wonders if Javier’s opinion would change at all. If he knew. Yuzuru figures he will probably never get the answer.

“Like what?” Yuzuru finally looks away from the ducks and looks at Javi instead, not feeling any of the cold that was previously shuttering through his body.

“My parents. They have matching dates. They… They are soulmates.” He doesn’t tell him the actual reason behind him believing in soul mates, but it’s still a huge piece of information that he’d never tell just anybody. “I.. I not told anyone that since I was eight.”

“You mean, they actually found each other? I thought that was nearly impossible.” Javier peers at the almost frozen lake and looks like he wants to say something but it seems the moment had gotten blown away by the biting wind. Maybe he had been wondering if he would ever find his.

Yuzuru looks at the ducks again, almost feeling dirty for not telling the other, his soulmate, what he knows about them, but then remembers the other’s adamancy at finding his own way in life and turns the switch he’s made labelled “telling Javi the truth” off and putting a thick piece of duct tape over it. Maybe they weren’t meant to both believe, to both hold the knowledge that they were supposed to share one fate. Maybe they were just together to help each other through this tough training, and nothing else. After all, science hasn’t proven anything, just as Javi said.

“I guess nothing is impossible.” Except for maybe us, rings through the cold air around them.

All he heard was encouragement going into Worlds, but he still felt way too young standing in the middle of the rink surrounded by thousands of people from his home, people looking at him like he’d never be able to make a mistake. But he did make them, more often than not, and today was one of those days. The difference was usually he got lucky enough that bad days weren’t being witnessed by hundreds and judged by exact points.

He almost wants to cry, but this isn’t going to be like last year, because back then he wasn’t Olympic champion. Even though this time last year he was way more confident and way more collected. If anything, the medal made him more hesitant, more inconsistent. It also made more expectations.

There was no option other than gold, because no matter what Brian said, his people expected it.

What people really hadn’t ended up expecting was Tatsuki. Including himself. It’s like his friend had some sort of grand awaking, and his skating proved it. It was the most beautiful Yuzuru had ever seen the other skate, and the most powerful. And everyone else thought so too and rightfully so.

Where he’d usually feel the flare of competition, even when it came to Javi, he felt relief instead. It’s like tons of the pressure being pressed into his sternum and weighing down his jumps lifted and he could fly again. No matter what happened, he would land on one blade.

And that’s exactly what he did. He wrapped up his free skate almost positive it wasn’t enough, because Tatsuki had done impeccable, while Yuzuru had many rough landings and tangled up steps. Yet in those moments, he hadn’t even noticed, so immersed in the feeling of flying and the heartbreak of Juliet.

So when he won by not even half a point, he was shocked. And happy, he can’t deny that. In utter, exuberant disbelief.

His eyes didn’t even come back into focus until way later during the medal ceremony, when the light caught the glint of the Spanish and Japanese flags. He looks to his side and sees Javi, and it feels like home.

During the press conference, Yuzuru’s worry about his and Tatsuki’s friendship fading a few shades were completely shattered by the others words. If anything, it would bring them closer together. “Yuzuru, is just that - Yuzuru. If he lands his jumps, does his spins and steps, there’s really no one who can beat him.”

Yuzuru catches the other long enough at the banquet to bring it up. He can’t help but feel like he impeded on the others moment in history with sheer stubbornness, and felt the need to apologize.

“Oh, Little Yuzu. Shhh. You know we’d never let something as trivial as numbers on a screen warrant an apology. It should be considered another wonder of the world to be able to skate that clean on the same day. It’s an honor, Hanyu.”

He could tell the other meant it, because Tatsuki always says what he really means. It’s just the type of person he is. Yuzuru hugs him tight like he hasn’t since he was much younger and smaller and less pensive, then keeps a hand on his shoulder and says, “Trust me, the honors all mine, Machida.”

When they separate, he can tell the other is going to say something about it, just because of the fact that he has a chance. “So how’s your Spanish boy? You haven’t called me with details like you said you would.”

“I - wait I never said I’d call with details, that’s not even… Anyway, he’s also not my Spanish boy. I’m not even sure it will ever in a million years be anything. I think our destiny is to be training partners and friends.” This is the new truth that Yuzuru has been telling himself since February, and he’s cemented it into his brain so much that it sounds true coming out of his mouth.

“Are you sure about that, Yuzu? Because I just don’t want you to regret it once you two run out of chances.” Obviously, Tatsuki didn’t think the words sounded as true as Yuzuru does.

“Yeah.” He tries to swallow, but his mouth is weirdly way drier than moments before. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Tatsuki pats his shoulder. A waiter comes by with a tray of drinks and Tatsuki gladly accepts. Yuzuru doesn’t drink alcohol, but asks where he can get a water and is directed towards the bar.

“Oh and hey, Yuzu.” The words make him stop and look back. “If anyone has a million year to one chance, it’s you two.” Yuzuru doesn’t mean to but he nods his head with slight determination in his eyes and then heads over to the bar.

He did end up buying a drink at the bar to go with his water, but he wasn’t the one who was going to be drinking it. He bowed his head and curtsied before placing the drink in the 2014 World Champion Mao Asada’s hands that were shaking from her giggles.

“A gift for you, our Queen.”

“Why thank you, oh the great Prince Hanyu.”

“Why am I still being called a Prince? Aren’t World and Olympic champion enough to be considered King?” Yuzuru jokes, exaggerated pout adorning his lips.

“Because. You will always be Little Yuzu, as long as us old folks are still around.”

“You all aren’t even that much older then me! And it’s not like I’m even the youngest on the team anymore!”

“Sorry, but you’ll always be Little Yuzu, it’s just a known fact.”

Yuzuru grumbled his contempt but still couldn’t hold back his smile, because he really just missed being with everyone. And if getting called Little Yuzu by all of them for the rest of the foreseeable future was the price he had to pay then it was already written into his budget.

“Congratulations as well, by the way. As much as we tease you with pet names, you are the strongest person many of us know.”

“Mao, you really shouldn’t have drank my gift so fast.” Yuzuru said, pointing to the almost empty glass. Even though Yuzuru knew it had been her only drink of the night so far.

“Oh stop it, I’m telling the truth! Even Yuna thought so. I know she may have seemed to be acting cold towards you, after Brian became your coach, but she spoke highly of you often.”

That genuinely surprised Yuzuru, who had thought Yuna just never took any notice of him. He’d thought she hadn’t even known who his coach was, or why he’d went there. “You know, part of the reason I chose the cricket club was because of her. I remember watching footage of her acting happy for the first time on camera at the club, and wanted that moment for myself one day.”

“And you know why she left.” Yuzuru had an idea, but didn’t put a voice to any of them. He wanted to give Mao that chance to say it herself. Yuzuru especially knew what it was like to need to just admit something out loud. “Because I wanted that moment you just spoke of, too. But with her by my side.”

Yuzuru pulls her into the second tight and warm Team Japan hug of the night, cradling her head to his chest and swaying slowly back and forth to the incredibly upbeat club music these types of banquets were infamously known for playing. Mao finally breaks their rhythm by laughing so deeply tears brimmed at her eyes.

“Thank you, Yuzuru.” He knows she doesn’t mean for the drink.

“Anything for you, Queen.”

Sometimes Yuzuru thought about what life would be like if he wasn’t skating. He’d be attending college classes in person instead of online. His family would still be living together in their modest sized home in Sendai, having dinner at the same time every night. Afterwards he would sit and watch a baseball game with his father or a skating competition with his mother. He probably wouldn’t have the tattoo that felt heavier and heavier with each passing day. It would be calm and peaceful, no doubt.

But without skating would he really be who he is? Something inside him would probably be severed, and disappear. Silently. Forever. The few things that make him the Yuzuru Hanyu that he currently is never would have been able to exist. He wonders if this is such a bad thing.

But even if he could turn back, he’d probably never end up where he started.

The offseason always brings with it spiralling thoughts about what-ifs and missed hits, and he was beginning to feel grateful that his long list of ice shows were about to start. Most might feel overwhelmed, but he wasn't most. He needed to be busy in order for his brain to give him peace, especially lately.

After World’s he’d only spoken to Javier in order to extend his congratulations. He had wanted to say so much more. To maybe tell him, “You, you’re special to me. When I’m with you I feel something is just right. I believe in you. I like you. I don’t want to let you go.” But in the dim lighting of the banquet hall he had seen something glimmer in the other’s eyes that made him disconnect from their shared handshake, smile briskly, and make a quick escape to the bathroom.

As he dry heaved into the thankfully immaculately clean toilet, he wondered why those words ran through his head and almost through his mouth, and also what the glimmer in Javier’s eyes had meant. He feared he would never know nor understand.

This question plagued him even throughout his summer ice shows. He’d been having this recurring dream lately, one that bordered on a surreal nightmare. Him and Javier were back at that little almost-frozen-pond, but they were way smaller and way closer to the ground. They were sharing french fries and huddling close for warmth. It took him until the second time he had the dream to realize they were the pair of ducks.

For some reason he couldn’t stop thinking about this dream. Every time him and Javi had overlapping ice shows together, he’d look at the other and picture him in his “duck form” and start giggling uncontrollably. The other would ask what he’s laughing at, but Yuzuru wasn’t about to tell him the truth.

“You… You just funny, that’s all.” He’d say while patting him on the shoulder before going back to pay attention to the practice.

This dream also caused him to put a little more distance between them. He didn’t know why, but the dream made him feel hopeful. For what, he wasn’t quite sure. Maybe for a life as simple as that pair of ducks? Whatever it was, he wasn’t sure, but being alone with Javier too long was starting to put him on edge.

But one night it was inevitable. Fantasy On Ice cast dinners were pretty much unavoidable, and with Tatsuki and Mao both there, him and Javier of course got seated together. And that meant a whole night with their thighs and arms and sometimes even hands brushing together. He could have simply scooted his chair over to put more distance between them, but when their forearms brushed the first time it’s like he was deemed completely immobile.

In some moments Yuzuru thinks he sees that glimmer back in the others eyes, but this time he doesn’t run to the bathroom to almost puke, no, instead he meets the others gaze. Only for a second, though. Because Yuzuru knows that if he looks for too long, his own eyes might burn up and his chest might actually crack open. He fears what would happen if his bare heart was revealed to a room full of his colleagues, and especially to that light in Javier's eyes.

“Yuzu, how about some video games up in my room later? Nam gave me the new Soul Caliber. I’ll even let you spend as long as you want making a character.”

“Hmm, well..” Yuzuru scrambles for some sort of excuse, but the warmth of the others leg touching his was fogging his mind.

“C’mon, Yuzu, we don’t have practice until noon tomorrow! And Nam would really like to hear your opinion on the game. That’s, like, the only reason he even let me borrow it.”

“I- Okay, sure.”

He wants to say he agreed because his mind is muddy from the contact their shoulders are making or maybe because he really wanted to try out the game, but both excuses sound like lies to him. And if the look Tatsuki gave him as they got up, arms still touching, his teammate knows it too.

“You know when I said you could spend as long as you wanted to make a character I didn’t really think you’d need over an hour.”

“But look! He really looks exactly like Kaneki-kun!”

Javier shrugs, “Yeah, you did good. Now can we finally start playing the game?”

“I never seen someone so eager to start losing before.” Yuzuru laughs, tucking his legs beneath him on the hotel bed in preparation.

“We’ll see.”

Yuzuru does beat him six out of seven matches but the Japanese skater does start breaking out into a cold sweat because of how close it had gotten.

“Alright, one more.” Javier insists and starts the match before the other could even protest.

Yuzuru almost gets killed and stands up abruptly in order to gain some sort of control over the match, how that helps at all, he’s not sure. He realizes it obviously didn’t help when he does in fact lose. His ears are ringing by the end and he’s pretty sure he might be in shock. Javier’s loud laughter eventually breaks through his consciousness.

Yuzuru finally is able to move his eyes to look at Javier who has slid down the bed to lay crumpled in laughter on the floor. “I.. I cant believe that just happen.”

“You-Your face! It was priceless!” Yuzuru finally collapses on the floor right next to the other. They are so close he can feel the others body moving with his laughs. They sit like that for a few long moments, on the floor, backs against the bed, Yuzuru’s body basically half on top of the others.

“You finally done laughing at me?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so.” Javier turns towards him and Yuzuru thinks about his recurring dream again. About Javier quacking and sharing french fries with him in that cold Toronto park.

“Javi, you ever think about what it would be like to be a duck?” Maybe it’s the dim lighting in Javier's hotel room or maybe it’s the adrenaline still pumping through his blood vessels from the intense gaming session that makes him say it. Or maybe it’s that sometimes when he’s with the other his brain to mouth filter completely switches off.

“No, not really.” Of course the question is meaningless to the other. Not everyone has symbolic duck dreams that they probably think about way too much. In fact he thinks he might be the only one in the world who does. “Wouldn’t it be nice, though? To be that carefree?”

He has so many replies he wants to say to that, so many things he wants to tell the other. But the things Yuzuru most wanted to say to him would lose their meaning as soon as he put them into words. So instead he says, “Ducks not know how to skate though. And definitely can’t land quad salchows.”

And now Javier’s laughing again, but this time, Yuzuru is laughing along with him.

“Maybe that’s a good thing, though. Maybe a life without skating wouldn’t be so bad. Just worrying about what to eat or what warm place to fly to next seems okay.”

“Hm, maybe you right.” Yuzuru sits up straighter and nervously plays with his fingers. He thinks about what he’d been thinking about during the beginning of off season. “Do you ever seriously think about what it would be like? Not to be a duck, but to not.. to not be doing this. Skating, I mean.”

“Of course I do. I lived for awhile not even sure if I would be able to compete anymore or not. But this, this is my dream.” He pauses for a minute. “It’s both of our dreams, isn’t it?”

“Yes. There no doubt in my mind about that. But sometimes… sometimes I wonder if life be more peaceful without so much, you know?” Yuzuru struggles to find the right words and hopes Javier understands. He feels the others hand on his and knows that he must.

“In dreams begins responsibility, that’s all. No one ever said dreams come true without a lot of hard work and a lot of commitment. You are one prime example of that.”

“I not so sure about that.”

“I don't know, there's something about you. Say there's an hourglass: the sand's about to run out. Someone like you can always be counted on to turn the thing over.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah. Even if it is mere seconds from running out. It seems like you always find a way.”

The words Javier said that night seemed to stick in his brain and whir around in a seemingly endless loop. Yuzuru starts to think more and more that he may be the type who manages to grab all the pointless things in life but lets the really important things slip away.

Yeah, gold medals are nice and all, but for the first time Yuzuru lets himself think about a world without skating that still has Javier in it. His dreams of ducks and french fries are soon replaced with dreams of alternate meetings him and Javier might have possibly had in some other universe.

In one of them they meet while Javier is studying abroad in Japan. In this universe they share the same major of computer engineering. They have basically every class together, and become project partners and fast friends, much like in real life. What’s different in this universe is that when Yuzuru sees the others matching date one night when they are studying together he lets out a loud gasp and shows him his own.

“You- Of course, it’s you. That’s so obvious. How did I not see it until now?” Dream Javier had said.

Yuzuru had woke with a start after the utterly realistic Javier had said those words with plenty of clarity. The dream left him feeling hollow inside. It’s like someone or something had come and taken out all of his insides and moved them to someplace else. And he didn’t know if he’d ever get them back.

When he went back to sleep that night he didn’t dream of anything else at all. Except maybe the feelings that would not take the form of words. Forgotten promises. Unrealized hopes. Frustrated longings. Fate being crushed into tiny, microscopic little pieces.

With new programs came new distractions. Shae-lynn Bourne was committed to making him the Phantom of the Opera program of his dreams, something David Wilson wasn’t up to doing. Yuzuru didn’t hold it against him. He knows everyone and their coaches have done a Phantom program, but that made Yuzuru want to do one even more. It’s the music that had inspired him growing up and he wanted to make it his own.

He knows Shae-lynn will do her very best to make this happen. He can see the same passion he has for skating reflected back at him in her eyes - they barely needed a shared language to communicate, just the ice, skates, and music.

It’s similar to his relationship with Jeffrey but also different. Jeffrey already has this deeper understanding of his skating, and when he tells the other he wants to try out another piano piece similar to his Etude program from a few seasons ago, Jeffrey puts his all into finding the exact fit for him. The first time he sees the choreography to Chopin’s Ballade No.1, he knows he wants to make this program great.

Things between him and Javier have a certain ease to them lately, they eat lunch together and text more than ever. It’s mostly Yuzuru complaining about his schoolwork and Javier putting up with it, to some extent. Yuzuru can forget about his own mounting feelings for weeks at a time, but he has his moments, like when the other puts a warm hand on his neck and Yuzuru feels time stuttering to a stop. It’s almost like his Date is burning a hole in his skin and is slowly leaking into his heart and lungs at those times.

But any pain is worth it just to spend time with Javier, even if Yuzuru has to fill the favorite training mate role instead of one he’d much rather fill.

Every delusional cloud is cleared in Yuzuru’s very fogged up mind when Javier calls him on a Sunday with obvious tears clogging his voice and basically begs him to meet him at the same park Yuzu had taken them to eat their food. He rushes out the door to his mother’s surprise, seeing as he barely ever leaves the apartment, even less often on Sunday, the one day a week he can sleep all day.

And there Javier is, on that same bench that Yuzuru remembers in clear detail from that crisp day back in February. Yuzuru doesn’t see the pair of ducks this time. He thinks maybe they are now very far away, and hopes they are still together somewhere, happy and thriving.

Yuzuru sits down and waits. It takes the other a long time to speak, but Yuzuru doesn’t rush him. He hopes the other knows he can take as long as he wants, and that whatever it is, Yuzuru will try his hardest to be there for him like the other has been there an uncountable amount of times for him.

“Courtney broke up with me.” This doesn’t surprise Yuzuru, if he is being honest. He has been much more observant as of late, and hasn’t noticed the ice dancer coming around as much or any notifications lighting up Javier’s phone and face. “She- She saw my, uh, my soulmate date, and she-” Javier pauses and looks at Yuzuru right in the eyes, as if he too is going to run away at the information. He doesn’t. All he does is try his hardest to not let his eyes wander down to the other’s wrist where he knows the mark is.

“She what?” Yuzuru dares to ask. He doesn’t really want the answer, though. He doesn’t want to think about what the answer means for Yuzuru and the delusional fog clouding his brain. For the little part of him that thinks the other could know and could feel the same.

“She said that, as long as I had a soulmate out there with a matching date, that I could never really love her. But I did, Yuzu, or at least - I think I did? The fact that this stupid Date that I have no control over somehow seemed to ruin this for me, I don’t know, it just makes me so angry! I’ll never find this person. And even if I did, I’d tell them to leave me alone!” Javier basically yelled the last part, and Yuzuru’s stomach plummets to the bottom of the now thawed out pond in front of them.

Why had he been so optimistic? Or so stupid? It’s like he’d been born with a blind spot, and was always missing something. And what he’d missed was always the most important thing of all.

“I-I’m sorry, J-Javi.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, Yuzu. You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s this stupid date, and this stupid girl, and this stupid universe. Love is stupid, anyways. I should be more like you and focus my entire being on skating.”

He wants to scream and yell at him for assuming he’s never loved anyone. That this, his stomach, lungs, and heart weighing ten tons a piece and throbbing a hundred miles a minute isn’t the pain that love causes. That he causes. But how would the other know that? Yuzuru keeps a tight lid over his emotions, at least to everyone but Javier.

But Javier said it himself. That he wanted his soulmate to leave him alone. And Yuzuru would much rather pretend he’s clueless for decades or eons in order to not have to do that. To not have to be the cause of the pain he sees in layers in Javier’s misty eyes.

So he gathers all the remaining function in his body to place a hand on the other’s shoulder and ask, “Are you hungry?” When the other nods his head yes, they start walking to the McDonald’s a block away in comfortable silence.

When Yuzuru arrives home an hour later, his mother takes one look at him and opens her arms for a hug. She doesn’t ask why he’s crying so hard his body shakes, she just holds him until he stops.

Yuzuru thought he knew pain, he really did. He has had a long list of injuries in his skating career, his soulmate had told him to leave him alone, and he’s lived through an earthquake. But this, the deafening ringing in his ears as his skull crashed into rock solid ice and the all consuming pain of his stomach colliding along with it, this was a level of pain he’d never had to endure.

But all he can think is, I need to make it to the Grand Prix Final. He tells Brian just that, makes sure his coach knows he can do this, that he has to do this. That he hasn’t given up so much of himself for this sport and specifically this season to not show what he’s been working so hard on.

When he falls on five jumps but still places second, a latch seems to be opened wide and he lets out the most guttural sobs. He can tell Brian doesn’t quite know what to do when he calls Kikuchi to come help. The older man doesn’t look like he knows either, but yet they both carry him to where there are no more cameras and fans watching his every breath with rapt attention, some of them crying along with him. He wants to tell them thank you, but his head and stomach hurt so bad, and he still can’t believe he managed to place second.

He doesn’t even notice he’s still crying when they finally get settled in a semi-private room. Not until Brian asks him, “What do you need, Yuzu? Do you want me to track down your mom? I know she is in Japan for the weekend, but I’m sure she’ll answer-”

“I n-need Javi, can you call Javi?” He thinks he sees Brian’s eyes soften through the watery layer in his vision. Only moments pass before Brian is placing the phone to his ear and he can hear Javier’s sleep muddled voice through the crackling line. “Javi! I’m sorry. I f-forget you sleeping in Toronto now, of course. I not mean to wake you, go back to sleep-”

“Yuzuru. Shhh, it’s okay, I mean, are you okay? Brian explained what happened. Do you really think you should’ve skated after that? Does your head still hurt? What about your stomach? And I heard you hurt your ankle on one of the falls.”

“Javi! I fine, I promise. Really. It just… so much, but I still place second, and I still podium with you in Barcelona, I promise.” He never would want to break a promise to the other, and they had made plans to sight see in Spain during the Grand Prix Final.

“Yuzu, you know it would’ve been okay if you didn’t make it! I’d make you come to Spain anyways, even if I had to force you to take a vacation for once. We all just want you healthy. Now please, let Brian take you to the hospital. He doesn’t need more hair loss.”

“You notice he lose hair lately too?” Brian glares at him. “Okay, now Brian mad. I better not use anymore minutes on his phone or he really get mad. Thank you, Javi. Go back to sleep.”

“Alright, you absolute fool, I will see you at the cricket club. Love you.”

The two words rang through his ears over the next few weeks, and he selfishly uses them to grind his teeth through the pain still lingering in various points in his body. He ends up staying in Japan, not seeing Javi at the cricket club like the other had mentioned.

NHK Trophy is somehow even more disastrous than the free at Cup of China, but he doesn’t sob in the kiss & cry, just silently accepts that he will evidently have to break his promise to Javier afterall. He starts to wonder what the point of all of this is, if even his best efforts don’t pay off. He’s the most pitiful World and Olympic champion there has ever been, he thinks when he places fourth and stares blankly at some wall in some room with some people fluttering around him way too quickly.

“Hanyu-senshu, you’ve made it to the Grand Prix Final.” Some woman says to him, but he figures his brain is making it up. He returns to staring at the wall. “Hanyu-senshu?”

“She’s not lying, Yuzu. You qualified, just barely.” Brian says from right next to him, a hand on his shoulder that he just now notices is still clad in his brand-new Phantom costume. The other one got too much blood on it.

“W-Why?”

“You got the last spot. You are going to Barcelona.”

Relief floods his entire body only to not much later be replaced by an aching need to redeem himself. He is so sick of looking weak, and he knows he needs to work as hard as he can to reach the top of that podium. Or else it really will all be for nothing.

There is around four weeks till the Grand Prix Final, but Yuzuru still thirsts for gold. Brian and his mother decide to have Yuzuru stay in Japan with a rigorous training plan prepared by the team at the Cricket Club, in order to let Yuzu spend some much needed mental healing time with his family.

He really does throw all of himself into the training, getting up way earlier then back in Toronto, arriving at a rink he pretty much has to himself for the next six hours. It’s there that he relearns all his jumps, spends hours grasping at the way this music felt just a few months ago when he skated to it. Before anything ever happened.

It does feel good, to throw himself into skating, despite the pain he still felt. This, along with the week spent at home, did wonders to refresh his mind.

Spending time with his father and sister is a true rarity during this time of the year, since he’s spent quite a few in Toronto now. His sister has changed a lot, like she’d grown up and become a full adult now. While he always looked up to her immensely, wanting to emulate everything she did, it’s still daunting to realize he doesn’t know her as well as he used to.

Sometimes Yuzuru is worried that they feel less important to him then his skating, but then he sees how supportive and extremely proud they are of him and he remembers that they are his family, no time apart could sever a bond that deep.

He wonders when him and Javi’s bond will need to be severed. In three and a half years there will be another Olympics, and Yuzuru has no doubt in his mind that the other will scratch and scrape for a medal if he has to. Yuzuru does worry that will be the end, that the other will go far away and never look back at his career in competitive skating again. Or at his training mate who is still very hungry for more.

He doesn’t let the thought fester for too long, or doesn’t really have time to, what with how exhausted he is from the training. He doesn’t even think about headphones or video games, just the crack of jumps and how hard ice really is when you fall. It’s exhausting in the best way possible.

And it’s all worth it when he arrives at the Grand Prix Final, and is finally sure that he is going to produce an at least relatively adequate skate. And even if he doesn’t, he will at least know he pushed himself to every limit, so there’s no better skate he could’ve formed. He feels like it’s been way too long since he’s been able to feel even slightly secure.

The short program goes alright for Yuzuru, to almost everybody’s surprise. But what people are majorly surprised about, especially Javier’s home crowd, is that it didn’t go alright for Javier. Brian is about the only one that doesn’t look shocked, since even Yuzuru isn’t used to seeing Javier this shaken up, at least not in the last few years.

For some reason he feels like he needs to talk to the other, comfort him somehow. Yuzuru isn’t used to being the one doing the comforting in their dynamic, but it’s like a magnet is stitched somewhere inside of him and he can’t help but find himself drifting closer to the other.

He knocks on his hotel room door before he can even think. The other answers right away, like he was sitting, waiting on his bed, thinking about his short program over and over and wondering where it went wrong. Yuzuru can tell, since he’s had a countless number of those nights himself. And Javier had always been there to get him out of it.

“Are you here to yell at me for doing terrible, or what? Because I’d really like you to just get it over with.” Javier shuts the door and sits back down in the bed.

“You not gonna be able to make me mad at you, trust me. You can’t use my own coping mechanisms against me.” Yuzuru says, plopping down on the bed next to the other. He catches Javier’s slight laugh. He has the faintest of smiles, yet Yuzuru felt the tides start to shift all over the world.

They sit in silence for a moment in an attempt to let the other gather his thoughts. Yuzuru has found that all Javier needs is time and patience, and he will usually end up opening up. The other, does, eventually, speak, “I just… feel like I disappointed everyone, you know? Like here I am, European Champion, and I can’t even skate a clean short program?”

“Hey, to be fair, neither did I.” Yuzuru mumbles, staring at his hands. It’s hard, because he knows exactly how Javier is feeling right now. Because he feels it too, deep in every blood cell and bone marrow within his body.

“But, you’re- you’re you. Yuzuru Hanyu, a living legend. The royal prince of Japan, the-”

“Okay, okay, I get it! But all that, whatever titles I have, I still make mistake, bad ones, ones that replay in my head over and over till I go crazy. But lately, after my accident, I feel joy in just being able to skate however I can. And as hard as I can, without a care in the world, or maybe too many, I can’t be sure. But Javi, you can skate, so well, better than whatever ‘living legend’ you were talking about. So just do it!”

“Wow, just do it, I… never thought those were the words I needed to hear right now. Thank you, Yuzuru.” Javier has this look in his eyes as he says those last three words, a look that reminds Yuzuru of the beginning of fall and that giddy feeling he gets when the first leaves start to fall and the air turns crisp.

“Thank me for what?” Yuzuru asks, sheepish, but secretly smug that he got the other out of his mind seemingly so successfully.

“For finally admitting I’m a better skater then you. Those are the words I truly needed to hear right now, so I can beat you tomorrow.”

Yuzuru punches the other in the arm. “We will see about that.”

“Okay, boys, you both ready?” The two of them nod their heads, completely sure and confident. Brian isn’t convinced. “A-Are you sure?”

“Yes, Brian. We just gonna do it. Right, Javi?”

“That’s right.” He reaches out for a handshake, and Yuzuru accepts, only to turn it into a hug immediately. “Hey! Stop that! You are my rival, and I am going to win.”

“Yeah, okay, Javi. We know. You the best skater between the two of us.” Yuzuru says into the other’s neck, and Yuzuru thinks he feels the warmth from Javier’s reddening cheek soak into his neck. They finally break apart, only to find Brian staring at them with a little fear in his eyes but Yuzuru can also see a misty layer when the light hits them at the right moment.

“Aww, Brian wants to join the hug, doesn’t he? Come here, Coach.”

Brian tries to run away from this scarily touchy version of Yuzuru, but he of course fails, and is left to be hugged by his student. Javier smiles and pats Yuzuru on the back a few times. “Alright, Yuzu, let him go now or we won’t have a coach anymore.”

“We could always be each other’s coaches! Wouldn’t that be so cool, Javi!”

“You wouldn’t last one competition, Yuzu.” Brian says, and Javier snorts while Yuzuru is pouting pitifully, mumbling how he’d be a great and amazing coach.

An hour and a half later, it’s time to skate, and Javier has a redeeming long program that sends his home crowd to their feet, and Yuzuru along with them. Brian is beaming proudly, even though he has to quickly leave to be with Yuzuru before his long starts. Yuzuru would tell him to stay with the other for this moment, but knows he will be denied anyway.

And now it’s Yuzuru’s turn to go out onto the ice. He only thinks of all the training he put in for this, all the pain he felt along every step of the way, but how he still got through it - to here. To right here, landing two perfect quads in front of the warmest crowd he’s ever skated for. It’s a crowd that reminds him of someone, and that someone is what’s on his mind as he falls on his triple lutz. But it’s okay, because he’s skating like he used to again. And one day, he will get to it - the perfect skate.

But today, he will revell in his win and feel a little proud of himself for winning the Grand Prix two seasons in a row, and hope he can make himself a two time World Champion as well. And he will ignore the sharp pain blooming in his abdomen, because he doesn’t want to ruin this moment, for himself or for Javier who looks genuinely radiant as he brings Yuzu in for a congratulatory hug.

“You guys did just do it. I’m very proud of you both, truly.” Yuzuru responds by putting his medal around his coach’s neck, and then Javier does the same. Brian laughs it off, but both of them can tell it feels good - to know that his students can truly get through anything.

Gala practice is something Yuzuru actually looked forward to for once, and it’s for good reason, because it’s the most fun he’s had in awhile. It’s spent with him, Tatsuki, and Takahito chasing each other around while Javier tries to get them to pay attention. He fails, but Yuzuru takes pity and finally comes to a shrieking halt right next to him. Javier pinches him in the side and Yuzuru can’t help but giggle.

Tatsuki pulls him aside later, when the pairs skaters are learning their parts, and gives him another congratulatory hug. “I’m proud of you, Yuzu. Seriously. I don’t think anyone else could have the mental strength you’ve had this year.”

“Thank you, Tatsuki. But you are strong too, you know. I look up to you, did I ever tell you that?”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Yuzu.” The other says, sheepish. “You are always miles above me, how could you look up?”

“Not everything’s about skating.”

“I never thought I would ever hear you say that. Is this Javier’s fault? Are you two done finally pretending like there’s nothing there?”

Yuzuru looks around for any sign of Javier frantically, but thankfully doesn’t see him. “Shut up! No, it’s not! Maybe I’ve just become wiser or something, I don’t know. But I thought I told you, we are just fated to be training mates and friends.”

“Anyone ever can see that’s not true, besides him, I guess. Because I think you already know it’s true.”

They are called back in to review the group number, and Yuzuru is left to let the other’s words fester in his mind like so many other times before. Thanks a lot, Tatsuki. He tries to shrug it off, think of something else, anything else, because right now, with the soft lights from the gala sending smooth shadows over Javier’s face, it’s hard not to think about.

Javier hosts the whole Gala and since it’s Yuzuru’s turn to skate The Final Time Traveler, he introduces him at the center of the ice. Yuzuru can’t understand the other’s words since they are in Spanish, but he nods along anyways. Stars hang in his eyes, because if he is being honest, they’ve been giving him a headache from how bright they are for awhile now. He thinks in this moment, if he tried any harder to hold them in, he’d really pass out from the pain.

Javier’s parents and sister go out of their way to make Yuzuru feel welcome in their country, all three saying how they would worry way more about their little brother and son if Yuzuru wasn’t there to keep him company in Toronto. This makes Yuzuru laugh, because he wants to say that, ”No, trust me, I need Javi way more than he needs me.”

They even invite Yuzuru and Yumi out to dinner with them, but his mother already took an earlier flight then him, since Yuzuru reassured her that she should just head back to Japan a few days early in order to spend as much time with his father and sister as possible. His mother sure deserves a break from all of this, anyways. She was with him every step of this miserable season, and felt his pain and stress with him.

Yuzuru does accept the invitation, though, much to the extreme delight of the Fernandez’s. And the night life is Barcelona is breathtaking, like a hidden bundle of warmth and mystic air tucked into its own private little universe. He feels safe here, with Javi and his family, even though most of the conversation is spoken in very fast Spanish. But Yuzuru already had gotten used to not being able to understand, so it doesn’t bother him all that much.

Laura and Javi do their very best to include him in a few conversations, though. Laura reminds him of his own sister, yet not as shy and way more forthcoming. She tells Yuzu about Javier’s first day of school, when he refused to wear anything but his football uniform to class.

“Who knew he would end up being a figure skater in a few years, anyway.” Laura jokes, punching her little brother in the arm with a proud look on her face. “Did you ever do any sports besides skating, Yuzu?”

“No, but really wanted to do baseball. I still think about it sometimes, if I'd chosen baseball instead.” Yuzu does think about it, actually, and laughs at his younger self. “I don't think it would have worked out quite as well for me.”

“Yeah, what is it like to be an Olympic champion?”

“Laura, stop fangirling. She live texted me your Olympic skate. While I was also at the Olympics.” He rolls his eyes. Yuzuru laughs sheepishly, his face an obvious shade of red. He hopes the dim lighting at the balcony restaurant they are at doesn’t make it too obvious.

“I’m sorry you have to see that.”

“What do you mean!?! I loved it. Now shut up and eat your food before it gets cold.” Yuzuru does just that, and the food proves they have to be in some sort of alternate universe, just like Yuzuru had speculated.

When they leave the restaurant, the sky is a brilliant splash of colors. The air is the kind that felt like if you breathed it in, your lungs would be dyed the same shade of blue as the sky. Tiny stars began to twinkle as Javier’s parents insist that their son would take him back to his hotel, since they dragged him so far away from it. Yuzuru didn’t have the chance to deny the offer even if he wanted to, which he can’t say he does, anyways. He would probably end up lost on his own and everyone knows it.

The bus stop is fairly close, and they walk there in a comfortable star-lit silence. As they wordlessly sit on the bench, he wonders when things became so easy with the other, and how he let it happen. He doesn’t ask why, though, because he already knows the answer to that - just as Tatsuki predicted. Thanks a lot, Tatsuki, he thinks yet again.

He lets his eyes wander to Javier’s wrist, where he knows beneath the watch lies the date, November 18, 2010, etched into his moonlit skin. He wonders if the other’s Date feels like a deep wound still healing like his does, or if it just feels like a small scratch one barely ever thinks about.

“Next time, when we have more time, I want to take you to see Madrid. My real home. You will absolutely love it there.”

“I will?” Yuzuru says, voice weak, like he hasn’t spoken in days or has spoken way too much for the last few days, he can’t tell.

“Yes, extremely.”

“Ok, let’s just do it then.” Yuzuru says, and Javier’s face lights up like one of the stars shining in the sky, bright enough for Yuzu to want to squint at the sight of it.

“Thank you again, Yuzu. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you. In fact, I’m beginning to think I can’t do much of anything without you, lately. Are you sure you aren’t this pesky soulmate giving me all these problems? That does seem like something you would do.”

“W-What does it matter, anyway? You say you want them leave you alone.” All English skills seem to leave him in that moment, understandably, and Yuzuru is worried he is going to blow his cover in the stupidest way possible. Yuzuru thinks he might be in the clear when Javier just starts laughing, like it’s the funniest joke in the world to think of them as soulmates.

“I wouldn’t say that to you, though, so maybe it doesn’t matter.”

Yuzuru wishes that were the truth. He wishes he didn’t feel anger bubbling in his veins at the other’s words, at the way he just laughs it off like it could never in a million light years be true. He also wishes he didn’t say what he does next, and he will wish it on every shooting star in the dark blue bleeding sky for all of eternity, probably.

“Yes, you would. You just do.”

“What do you mean by that?” Javier says, confusion and a lot of apprehension apparent in his for the most part steady voice. Yuzuru doesn’t say anything else. He just stares at Javier with a hungry determination, similar to the way he might stare at a gold medal. “Yuzu, answer me, because you are really starting to confuse me here. If this is a joke or something, I would really like to know.”

“Why you always treat me like joke? Is even the thought of me being your soulmate that unreasonable and even funny?” Yuzuru takes a deep breath, and it feels like the air is full of sharp needles instead of oxygen. “You really not remember it, do you?”

“R-Remember what?”

“You know what, never mind. It obvious not important.”

“No, not nevermind! Whatever it is you are hiding, Yuzuru, you might as well just tell me. You know I will find it out eventually.”

“November 18, 2010.”

Chapter Text

Right as Yuzuru said the words, his stomach sinks and he regrets it immediately. He is saved by the bus arriving, and they both get on, no words exchanged. Almost like Yuzuru’s declaration got wisped away in the wind like cottonwood in the spring or snowflakes in the winter. It isn’t until they take a seat in the back that Javi finally speaks. He doesn’t look at him, though, just stares blankly at the empty seat in front of him.

“What do you mean by that? November 18, 2010?”

“You know what mean.”

“It’s the date tattooed onto my wrist. But how would you know that?”

“I-“ He swallows. “I’ve seen it.”

“How long ago?”

“I mean, I not know, awhile?”

“And what… what am I supposed to remember, Yuzu?”

“November 18, 2010. We meet in the bathroom, when I in there, nervous before competition. You catch me when I almost fall.”

“Yuzuru. Does this mean what I think? That.. that you have the same tattoo as me, and you knew, for what, awhile.” He finally looks at him, and Yuzuru has never seen him actually look angry before. But he does now, even if only briefly, and it sends waves of guilt to every nerve ending in his body.

“When I give you watch. I see it then.” Yuzuru basically whispers. Javier doesn’t respond, and Yuzuru feels the need to explain himself. “But you, you had girlfriend, and we had Olympics, and I - I not want to ruin things.”

“Yuzu.” He sounds so defeated when he says his name, and Yuzuru feels a thousand needles crawling up his throat and prickling behind his eyes. Only a few traitorous tears slip past his eyelashes, but he quickly wipes them away.

“And you say you don’t believe in soulmates. And then you say you want whatever soulmate you have to leave you alone, but Javi, I not want to leave you alone! You’re my best friend.”

“Yuzuru, I - I have somebody. And things seem to actually be working this time. I think it’s gonna be serious. So what… what does this mean?”

There is a long pause before Yuzuru finally answers, “I don’t know.” Because he really doesn't. He just wants to scream at the top of his lungs, or jump fifteen triple axels, or rewind time back to ten minutes ago when Javi still looked at him with warmth in his eyes. Javier just looks back at the seat in front of him.

The bus clangs to a stop and then they walk in silence to Yuzuru’s hotel. And then that’s it. Javier turns and walks away, but Yuzuru doesn’t move. He stood there and watched as the bus disappeared around the next corner. After it was gone, he felt a strange emptiness inside, a hopeless kind of feeling like that of a small child who has been left alone in an unfamiliar neighborhood.

He feels that sharp pain back in his stomach and it hurts so bad he almost doubles over from the sheer force of it. He makes it back to his room, and then decides he should probably call Kikuchi, and fast.

What he doesn’t expect is for the other to rush their flight back to Japan and admit him to the hospital. Or for the doctors to say he needs surgery that will take weeks to recover from. Weeks he can’t possibly take off. He has a nationals to win, and more importantly a World championship to qualify for. No matter how much Kikuchi and his mother tells him to do it, he just simply won’t. He can deal with a little bit more pain. He has done it before, afterall.

What’s surprising is that Brian barely tries to fight him on it, and Yuzuru is greatful. When Yuzuru tells him as much, Brian simply responds, “I trust you know what your body can handle, and I especially trust that your mind can handle this, as well. Since Cup of China, I’ve realized your mental strength is something that can’t even be calculated.”

He hopes Brian is right, but in his own opinion his mental strength is minimal, especially in regards to matters not involving skating. At least the pain distracts him from everything else, and even seems to sharpen his focus. But most of all, it allows him to forget about Javier and Dates and what they mean.

Him and Javier do a pretty decent job at pretending like nothing happened in Barcelona. And maybe for Javier, nothing did. The knowledge that they have matching Dates seemed to not even affect the other. And maybe this was a good thing, Yuzuru thinks, now he can finally move on. Now he won’t have this false hope that Javi could love him back shoved into the folds of his brain.

Before he knows it, he has another Nationals gold, however now that he's reached it, the pain seems to catch up to him and he isn’t even able to skate in the gala. He is immediately rushed into surgery, and when he gets there, he thinks he hears the doctor angrily ask how he waited so long to come in.

The surgery is a success, to everyone’s relief. Now he just has to wait and wait in this damn hospital bed for his body to recover. The severe allergic reaction he has to one of the medications they give him doesn’t help matters at all, though. It only adds more weeks to his stay and more pain to his already weak self.

How is he ever going to be ready for Worlds?

All he wants to do is skate, dammit. Why is the universe so hell bent on not letting him do the one thing he’s somewhat successful at? It’s not like it can be mad at him for running away anymore, because he’s not. He told his stupid soulmate the truth, but still, here he is, stuck in a hospital bed instead of an ice rink where he belongs.

The thought of giving up everything even runs through his mind. But he has too many things he still wants to do, like win another Worlds and break the free skate record. And of course, win two Olympic golds in a row.

By the time he’s back at the cricket club, relearning all his jumps from scratch and scraping desperately at attempts to feel like himself again, there’s less than two months until World’s. It doesn’t help that Javier’s at his peak form.

Javier must start to pity him, because he holds out a hand to help him up from a fall on a triple axel of all things. Yuzuru doesn’t accept it, because he’s petty or upset or maybe just plain angry. Instead he uses the last ounce of strength in his body to shakily get back on his feet and then skate away, glaring the whole time.

Then he lands a perfect triple axel on the other side of the rink.

Yuzuru can only stay angry for so long. He’s more angry at himself, anyway - angry at his body for needing surgery, angry at his stupid mouth for not being able to stay shut, and most of all angry at his chest for aching as much as it does when Javier is in the same room as him. He misses when things were easy, so much, and he just wants to say he lied about everything and he doesn’t have this tattoo that seems so meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Would they have been able to be together, if they weren’t marked by something out of their control? Definitely not. But at least Javi wouldn’t hold contempt for him, and look at him differently, like he’s afraid of him now.

So he does the only thing he knows will get him out of this with the least amount of burn marks as possible - he lies.

“Javi, could we please just talk?”

Javier looks up from untying his skates, and seems to just now realize they are alone in the locker room. His eyes widen.

He rushes to speak before the other can run away like a deer in headlights. “Maybe, maybe we can still be friends, you know? I-I don’t like you like that, like soulmates, or whatever a pair of people with matching Dates is supposed to feel. I think- I think I do love you, in a way, but not romantically! You just mean lot to me. And I thought- I thought you might feel that way too? I feel a weight, and it’s almost crushing, to be in practice with you and feel like you afraid. I know you want create your own fate, and I respect that. So can we please, please just forget anything ever happen?”

Javier doesn’t miss a beat. “Of course.” He smiles, and Yuzuru feels relief. If he can have this, then he can keep on going. If he can have this, he will be okay, right? “And I love you too. In a friendly, very deep way. Dates don’t have rules, right?”

Yeah, they don’t, Yuzuru thinks. But then they hug and Yuzuru can’t help but hide a few tears in the fabric of Javier's soft t-shirt. He clenched his teeth as the tears came. He was getting fed up with tears and weakness. But there wasn’t much he could do to stop them.

But maybe this is how it should be. Yuzuru and Javier, training mates and friends, but never anything more. And it came to him then. That they were wonderful training partners but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they’re nothing more than prisons, where both of them are locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites happened to cross paths, maybe they could be together. But in the next instant they would be in absolute solitude.

Until they burned up and became nothing.

Now, Yuzuru guesses he will just wait for that moment - when this friendship between them eventually burns up into nothing. When Javier goes back to Spain and Yuzuru fights tooth and nail until the gold medals fill the human shaped emptiness inside of him. For now, he will simply bask in these moments, him and Javier trying to gain back the comfort they lost that night in Barcelona, where the sky was such a deep blue that it dyed their lungs when they breathed in the air.

That is until Yuzuru remembers that Javier isn’t alone. He’s in love with Yuzuru’s teammate, of all people. Miki Ando is nice. Yuzuru has always liked her, especially since she’s one of the only ones that doesn’t call him little Yuzu. Her child is precious, as well, and Yuzuru’s chest aches when he pictures the three of them making the perfect little family.

It does hurt when Javier shows him pictures of Himawari and Miki he has saved on his phone, and how nervous yet excited he is to meet her. Yuzuru nods and smiles and reassures him that she will love him. Because what else can he do? He told the other he didn’t love him like that, so how would he know that the pictures send a pain worse than he’s ever felt ricocheting throughout his insides?

If Javier was sitting any closer to him, he probably would have heard his heart breaking. It would have sounded like the cracking of a wooden bat connecting with a baseball. No, that was too clean of a break. It would have sounded like rain from a powerful thunderstorm pounding on a tin roof. Millions of drops relentlessly pounding away on the surface until it shattered into billions of tiny pieces. Pieces Yuzuru couldn’t possibly put back together by himself.

Javier just smiles back and spills some of his rice onto Yuzu’s leg, and Yuzuru wants him to spill a thousand things on him, lava, acid, bricks, anything, if only he would smile like that each time.

All he needed was a little more time, at least that’s what Brian kept telling him, over and over as he fought to hold himself together after his free skate. It was probably the most Pooh’s he’s seen yet, but they fail at comforting him.

A little more time.

He lost two more weeks of practice time to one of the worst cases of the flu he has had in awhile, kind of like the universe wanted to put one more nail in his coffin, just to make sure he wouldn’t be able to succeed. This time, Javier’s mother’s tea barely helped, it only made him remember how different things were the first time he tasted it. He was so naive back then, thinking he could avoid the violent clutches of fate.

Behind him, time became dead grains of sand, which one after another gave way and vanished. He just sits there in the green room, listening to the sound of time dying. Javier skates the best he has all season, and Yuzuru is truly so proud. That doesn’t mean tears don’t overflow in his eyes when the results are final and Javi beats him by a mere two points.

A little more time, he thinks as Javier basically holds him up and in his arms as he lets out an endless stream of hot tears. “I’m not crying, I’m not crying.” He repeats, but Javi just brushes the tears from his face with that smile that stops the tides and keeps the moon from waning. He feels warm and familiar hands encasing his neck and face, the other’s words shocking him, and almost making him angry.

“You are the champion in my heart, Yuzu.”

“No, you. You champion. So proud, Javi, I’m so proud of you.”

Their foreheads brush together briefly, and Yuzuru’s breath catches in his scratchy throat. His tears finally stop.

“Next year, I win. No matter what.”

“Ah, there’s the Yuzu we know and love! I was getting worried we’d lost you for good.” A hand back on the nape of his neck, and he once again felt like crying. “I’ve missed you.”

Yuzuru scoffs. “What you talking about? I been here whole time, idiot. You just not open eyes.”

He swears he sees the others' eyes flicker towards his collarbone, but that’s impossible - the other didn’t know where his tattoo was. They finally detach from one another, and then reattach to hug their coach, who looks at Yuzu and shakes his head. “You did all you could, kid. It’s been a rough season.”

“Next season be better, right?”

“Right.” Brian ruffles his hair and Yuzuru swats his hand away. Brian and Javier laugh at him, and all feels right again. Even though he has a silver medal he has yet to receive, and there are tear tracks drying on his face, there is always next season.

Next season seems way too far away, and he is itching to go back to Toronto to start training. His sister is already annoyed with him, and complains how much he talks about skating lately.

“It’s getting worse, Mom. He literally won’t shut up about it. We were just trying to watch Onmyoji the other night, and all he could talk about was using it for his free skate, and how he needed to draft an email to Shae-lynn right away.”

“Onmyoji, Yuzu? That would be interesting, do you think a program out of that music would be possible?”

“Mom! Seriously?”

“Yeah, I think it would end up working out. Shae-lynn already said she would watch the movie and start thinking about choreo. I was thinking of performing it from Abe no Seimei’s point of view.”

They continue discussing it until eventually his sister gives up and goes to the kitchen to make tea. His mother looks at him seriously then, her face laced with concern and a bit of worry. “Your sister is right, Yuzu. You are talking about skating more than normal. I’ve never seen you so passionate about a music choice, either. Is this actually about something else?”

He could tell her the truth, that he misses the tough training in Toronto and the distractions it brings him from thoughts of his soulmate, but he simply can’t. He can’t tell her that he’s known for over a year about their matching Dates, or that Javi is in a happy relationship and doesn’t think of him in the intervals between seconds like Yuzuru does him.

So instead, he does what he does best lately and lies.

“I just really want to do well this season. And as for the music - it just really feels like it’s going to be right, you know?”

He guesses that wasn’t a lie, not exactly. But when his mother tells him - “Alright, Yuzuru. But you know you can tell me anything, right?” He still feels like a dirty liar.

The break from Toronto is probably a good thing, though. He needed this time to himself, to not see Javier and be reminded daily how far the other is from his reach. It gives him time to come to the realization that he can’t turn love on and off like a light switch, no matter how hard he tries. All he can do is wall it off, one brick at a time, until he has created an impenetrable fortress around his emotions. And once that fortress is built, he needs to camouflage it so well that even he can’t see or feel it anymore.

By the time the summer ice shows begin, his emotions are in what he thinks is an impenetrable fortress somewhere deep within himself. Seeing Javi and Miki in the flesh as a couple is like an ax being plunged two feet into his wall, but there’s some of the wall still remaining, so he accepts their invitation to go out to dinner with the cast one night after practice.

They make a lovely couple. Javier is ever the gentleman, pulling out her chair for her to sit in, and looking at her with a luminous layer of sun in his eyes, like she holds every star in his universe in her tiny hands.

Yuzuru wonders if she’s seen his soul date yet, if it would change anything between them if she did. He quickly shakes his head to stop thinking about
it, because he doesn’t have a right to, after all. Instead he tries to focus on the conversation between Javi and Alex.

“Who would win in a fight, Naruto or Kaneki Ken?” Alex asks, a look of complete seriousness on his face.

“Are you kidding me? Kaneki, all the way.”

Yuzuru beams, “This is why Javi is best friend.”

“Javi, I thought you were my best friend, you traitor! You said you would never replace me!” Alex eats a piece of Javier’s sushi, and Javi just laughs, the sun once again shining in the center of his eyes and at the corners of his lips.

“Yuzu isn’t a replacement. He’s an upgrade.” Yuzuru doesn’t blush, he really doesn’t, but if he’s smiling really bright and stupid it’s just because he’s still thinking about Kaneki, not the way his soulmate had said the words with such certainty that Alex doesn’t even have a comeback. He simply scoffs and goes back to eating Javier’s sushi. Miki laughs in her seat on the other side of Javi, the sound directing his gaze towards her, like a moth to a flame.

Yuzuru looks at his basically untouched meal and moves a piece of rice to the other side of his plate, the thoughts in his head feeling like bees trying their hardest to make honey. His brain starts to feel slightly sticky. This is probably why he doesn’t hear Javi call out to him the first few times, but by the third he finally looks up at the other, surprised at the concerned expression carved on his face.

“Hm? Sorry, what you say?” He asks, tilting his head to one side, trying to act like he wasn’t just having an internal crisis. He’s somewhat shocked at how normal those have become for him.

“I asked if you were feeling okay? You’ve barely eaten.” He wants to say that he can’t even imagine trying to swallow food right now, even though normally he would be excited to eat a meal in Japan. He wants to yell at the other and tell him that it’s all his fault, for many, many different reasons.

But Yuzuru just shrugs, “I not have much appetite lately.”

Javier gives him that look, the look him and Brian both throw his way constantly, the one oozing with concern and care. The sight makes him feel slightly nauseous. “Yuzu, how many times do I have to tell you that meals are very important. Have you not been eating since we left Toronto? You have been looking kind of frail…”

“Who are you calling frail? Frail? I not frail.” Yuzuru glares at Javi, who is seated right in front of him, which suddenly seems way too close.

“I know, I know, you are strong, really, the strongest one at this table.” Alex looks at him, mirth shining in his eyes, and Javi holds up a hand, “Don’t even say it, Alex.”

“Oh, come on! I could lift three or more Yuzu’s, and you could as well.”

“Hey! I not that small.” He proclaims, crossing his arms over his chest and definitely not pouting. He does know that he is, in fact, small, but that doesn’t mean he’s ‘frail’.

“Okay, well maybe he’s not the strongest in arm strength, but there’s only one of us here with an Olympic gold medal.” Javier says, and Yuzuru actually laughs, hand coming up to cover his smile, afraid the other will see something in it that he definitely shouldn’t. “Anyways, Yuzu, I didn’t mean you were frail, I just meant… I mean I’m worried about you, okay? You need to take care of yourself, otherwise how will I feel okay about beating you in every competition this season?”

“Hey! You not gonna beat me, Mr. Fourth Place.” Yuzu says bitingly, but he’s still smiling, and this time he doesn’t move his hand to cover it in time. But Javi isn’t looking at his smile, because he’s laughing too hard himself.

What Yuzuru doesn’t know is that someone else does notice his smile. Miki also notices when a few minutes later Yuzuru eats the rest of his meal, and she notices how Javier keeps adding some food from Alex’s plate onto the other boy’s. And if she sees the contentment and relief in Javier’s gaze completely focused onto Yuzuru, she pretends she doesn’t.

He can’t believe it. Tatsuki is really retiring. It feels like hooks being dug into his chest and pulling. He tells Tatsuki as much, but the other just laughs and ruffles his hair and says, nonchalantly, “Don’t be sad, Little Yuzu, I’ll still call you to tease you at least twice a month.”

“It’s not the same,” Yuzuru whines, sniffling like the baby he proclaims not to be. “We won’t compete together anymore. Is it selfish of me to want to compete together like we managed to do at World’s? How am I supposed to do that without you there?” Tatsuki just sighs, hand coming up to wipe the crocodile tears falling from his eyes.

“You’ll be fine, Yuzuru. You have that Javier of yours, and a bravery that rivals all. And remember, you need to live for yourself sometimes as well. Nothing about you is selfish.” Tatsuki flicks him on the forehead. “Now stop crying, I know you want to join the quad battle.” The other points to the other side of the rink. Yuzuru had forgotten that this was an ice show, Tatsuki’s retirement being the only thing that seemed to have registered at that moment.

“Only if you come with.” Yuzuru admits jumping a quad does sound nice right now.

“This is exactly why I must retire. You quad kids are getting too crazy for me.” The other complains, but doesn’t try to get away when Yuzuru drags him by the arm to where the chaos is ensuing. Tatsuki must be indulging him, because he lands a perfect quad toe that sends the crowd into an uproar. Then Yuzuru lands the quad loop he’s been toying around with in FAOI practice, and the crowd somehow gets even louder.

It almost makes Yuzuru feel like everything is going to be okay. He will keep skating with some friends still close to him. Even if he were to try and deny it, the heat still lingering in his skin cells from the warm hug Javi had given him after his successful quad loop was a constant thrumming proof of it. He felt almost hopeful, for the first time in a while.

And Tatsuki of course, will be okay, too. He’s always been a guy destined for more than just one great thing. He’s extremely grateful that their paths crossed when they did, and that he can cheer the other on as he moves on from flashing cameras and the addicting sound of clean landings on fresh ice.

But for now, and for as many years as he can keep chasing moments like these, Yuzuru will try his hardest to cling to the ice. Yet he can’t deny that Tatsuki’s words from earlier whirl around in his still sticky brain. He wonders what the other meant by and remember, you need to live for yourself sometimes as well, paired with that all-knowing aura emanating from his (now former) teammate.

He gets the chance to ask him soon enough, when the other calls him exactly two weeks later. Yuzuru is still on a leg of the Fantasy on Ice tour, while also trying to coordinate Skype meetings with Shae-Lynn about choreography for his Onmyoji themed program. But that doesn’t stop him from answering the call from his friend during the cast practice lunch break.

“How’s it goin’, old man?” is how Yuzuru answers the phone call, amused laughter immediately meeting his ears.

“Hey, show some respect! It really feels like yesterday when you were still my little Yuzu, clinging to my coattails begging me not to retire. Only someone completely immune to Yuzuru Hanyu could prevail such as I did in not falling for those watery puppy dog eyes.”

“Oh shut up, I wasn’t.. Begging, or anything! I’ll just maybe miss you, is all, so it’s only natural that I must tease you as much as possible now, you know, to mask the pain. And don’t worry, I’ll always be your-” He only almost lets the words little Yuzu slip past his lips, but he assumes Tatsuki knew what he was going to say by the sound of his now howling laughter. It hurts Yuzuru’s pounding head.

“I’ll miss you too, you shameless kid.”

“I wanted to ask you what you think I need to do to live for myself.” His voice only trembles a little bit, and he wants to blame his headache instead of his sudden nervousness.

“I’ve known you for awhile Yuzuru, and some might not say you are easy to read, but for me, you are. Extremely so.” Yuzuru’s heart is pounding along with his head now, his throat suddenly feeling tight. “Don’t be nervous or anything. I just mean I can tell you are lonely. And seeing your Javier and our Miki together like that, it mustn’t help that overwhelming feeling, right? Maybe it’s time to try to love someone else. I have a lot of friends your age that would gladly respect your privacy if you ever… wanted to start.”

“I guess I am... sometimes lonely. And I’m the one who keeps saying Javi and I are destined to be just friends. But could it be so easy to say it is time to try to love someone else?”

“Or even just like. You are young, Yuzu, live.”

Yuzuru says he will think about it, that he is a very busy individual with a lifestyle that few would end up being able to tolerate. Tatsuki says he might end up being surprised, and Yuzuru lets the other think he is feeling enthusiastic and hopeful about it, even though he really, truly isn’t.

He feels better once the conversation switches focus to what Tatsuki has been studying recently, which stirs up Yuzuru’s interest enough to switch off the creeping anxiety he felt settling in during their previous topic.

Tatsuki texts him the contact information of his friend who he tells him is studying in Toronto. Tatsuki’s next message stated, take your time, it’s ok. Yuzuru’s anger might ebb away a little bit at the words, but that doesn’t stop him from leaving him on read.

It takes Yuzuru an embarrassingly short amount of time to reach out to Tatsuki’s friend once he gets back to Toronto. He could blame how this time of the year usually makes him feel discontent and jittery, when he gets the kind of training he’s been craving for but with no relief from the sickening intensity of a won competition. He’s seething for the opportunity to win with no mistakes, so much that he can feel it in every nerve ending, and it’s only the end of May.

But he knows that as per usual, Tatsuki was right, and he does feel loneliness crawling in and latching onto all of his major internal organs. And he figures he kind of needs those to continue skating. He surmises that this simply makes him human, as he drafts an email to Tatsuki’s friend, who he was informed was called Goto Takayuki.

The other is surprisingly very easy to talk to. They email at least twice a day, and the other proves to be a compelling conversationalist. He shouldn’t’ve expected less from someone who Tatsuki calls a friend, but he’s still in a bit of shock at how compatible the two of them seem, even though he has yet to meet the other in person.

Takayuki, or Taka he tells him to call him, seems to only be completely serious when it comes to two things in life: writing and volleyball. When Yuzuru dares to question which came first for him, he said he couldn’t answer that, since “I can’t have one without the other”.

“Yuzuru, do your run through one more time. I think you can land your third quad if you just keep pushing.” Brian says, confidence in his tone.

“Of course, sir.” Yuzuru hears Javier chuckle, but there’s fire coiling in his gut and probably visible in his eyes as he takes the starting position for Seimei. He can finally say they’ve finished mixing the music, after many manic late nights Yuzu stayed up tweaking every little thing until the music was cemented into the folds of his brain for life.

You have a real talent for music, Yuzu Taka had written to him in reply when Yuzuru had finally sent the other the final file after weeks of no communication. He’d been surprised at how understanding the other had been when he’d suddenly fallen of the face of the earth, but he tells him he knows the feeling of getting so into something that nothing else seems to break through.

So when the music starts, he’s sure and absolute. He finds himself sinking into the familiar sound of the cricket club speakers, and it’s like the flute is conducting his movements, like the drums are giving him just enough power to jump clean and secure landings that he’s missed so, so much lately. And Brian was right, he does land his third quad.

He’s out of breath by the end, which isn’t a surprise, but then he hears the ringing of the bell signalling the completion of a completely clean program, and he thinks yes, I can do it. I can win, no matter what, no matter who I’m up against, as long as I can still hear the music.

“Yuzu, congratulations!” And suddenly warm arms are surrounding him, his own arms stuck to his sides, his skates lifting off the ice way too easily. “That was so awesome! You are truly the king!”

“Javi! Put me down! I’m all sweaty-”

“Whatever, Yuzu, do you even know what you just did!? You were just like Shuu and Paaa, and the music is just as intense as you are-”

“Javi, please, can’t… breathe…”

“Sorry, sorry!” Javier finally puts him down.

“Why so amazed? You complete three quads way before me.”

“Yeah but, Yuzu, you-”

“Pfff. I still lose to you at Worlds.”

“Alright, boys, that’s enough. Javi, let go of the poor boy and go get him some water.” Javier nods his head immediately skating off with an extreme intensity. “Yuzu, you crushed it. I knew you had that third quad in you. Now we just need to work on you being able to still stand up afterwards.”

“I’m… fine…” Yuzu gasps out, suddenly feeling it now that Javi isn’t supporting all of his body weight. The other makes it back in record time, putting an arm around his waist. Yuzuru can’t help but lean into the support.

“Yeah, okay, sure, Yuzu. Javi, don’t let go of him, we don’t want him to escape and try to work on his salchow landing again.” Yuzuru stares at the ice. He shivers at Brian’s rapidly developing skills at reading his mind.

“You really are so cool, Yuzu. How could I have such a cool best friend? When did this even happen?” Yuzuru pinches him in the side. “Okay, okay, you’ve always been cool, or whatever.”

“You not cool at all, Javi.”

“How dare you say that to our reigning World Champion!”

“You do say that thing to me though - that I am champion of your heart.”

“And what about it! I already called you king less than a minute ago! I will always worship the ice you skate on, Yuzuru.” And now he’s staring at the ice again, praying to any sort of god out there that the other hasn’t picked up any of Brian’s Yuzu mind reading talents. Or else he might know that Yuzu is thinking me, too. I will always cherish the ice you skate on, and I will try my hardest to skate on it with you, for as long as I possibly can.

He must not realize that he said the “me too” part out loud, because now Javier is laughing. Javi’s laughs make a breathy light rhythm against his neck, and he wants to record it and spend weeks making it into music they can skate to.

Yuzuru is nervous to meet Taka, but he’s not the puking type of nervous like he sometimes gets before big competitions. No, it’s more like a fluttering feeling in his stomach that comes in big salt water waves, but his palms are still sweaty as he fidgets in his seat waiting for the other to arrive at their agreed meeting place.

He’s shocked at how tall the other is, basically towering over Yuzuru as he stands up to greet the other. He supposes he shouldn’t be surprised, since the other does play volleyball, and from the sounds of it he’s pretty decent at it.

“Wow. You are so tall.”

“Really? I’m barely 182 cm, so I’m actually the shortest on my team. So that’s very much a compliment. And you look even better in person, by the way!” He throws a hand over his mouth. “Oh god, I can’t believe I really just said that!”

“You mean you looked me up?” Yuzu says seriously, but he can’t help but smile because the other is, well, he’s… cute. His hair is shaggy and sort of unkempt, but it only adds to his almost childest charm.

“I actually already knew who you were. I know I said I was born here and all, but well...” The other says sheepishly, a hand coming up to the back of his shoulder length hair in an obvious display of nervousness. “I hope it doesn’t sound creepy, and I guess I could’ve told you before, but I’m a pretty big figure skating fan. It’s kind of how I became friends with Tatsuki.”

They proceed to sit down and order drinks, the conversation coming just as easily in person as through writing. He finally learns how Tatsuki and Taka became friends. Taka explains how he used to run a decently popular blog, where he’d narrate his volleyball matches along with other sporting events. When he’d written about seeing Tatsuki skate, Tatsuki found it and basically dissected the other’s writing in the comments.

It’s such a typical Tatsuki-esque story that it makes him snap. He’s laughing till tears spring to his eyes but so is Taka. He basically had the comment memorized, and with each sentence more laughter spills out of Yuzu.

“And after that, we kept in contact regularly. And now here we are! When he asked me if I wanted him to give you my contact info, I didn’t even believe him. I thought he was performing some social experiment on me.” Taka takes a long drink of his coffee before sighing, “It wouldn’t be the first time, after all.”

Yuzuru shakes his head and laughs, understanding the trials and tribulations one must endure when being friends with Tatsuki. “So if you said you are a fan of figure skating, who are your favorite skaters? Don’t you dare say me.”

“Well if not you then… I hate to say it, but the one who beat you at World’s last year - Javier Fernandez. You two are the best two skaters currently competing, after all.”

“Javi?!”

“Is it that surprising? You two train together, right?”

“Yes, Javi is my very close friend. Actually, he’s the reason I chose to train with Brian Orser in the first place. I guess he’s my favorite too - but never tell him I said that! I still will beat him at World’s this year.”

“See, I told you I had good taste! You’ll have to introduce me to your Javi one day.”

“Mine, he’s not mine-”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Taka waves a hand and drops the subject, which Yuzu is glad for, because his cheeks are starting to heat up and he thinks if they talk about Javier any longer the other will see through him completely. If he hasn’t already. “So, how does it feel to be an Olympic gold medalist? Do you ever just wear your medal around the house? I think I would.”

“So when were you going to tell me you have a new best friend?” Javi asks one day, cornering him next to the fireplace in one of the cricket club break rooms. Yuzuru looks up from his phone and tilts his head in confusion. “Oh don’t look confused. Who are you always texting on your phone while smiling? Or wait, could they be more then-”

“They aren’t!” Javier looks at him. “We are just, you know, talking…”

“Oh my god, you are talking to someone? Where is Yuzuru Hanyu? What have you done with him?”

“Hey that mean. I can talk to someone if I want.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just… you’ve never shown interest in dating.” Yeah, because he’s been too busy trapped in the bermuda triangle that is Javi’s smile. “What’s she like?”

“Well, he’s very… smart and tall. Unlike you.”

“Hey, I’m smart!” Yuzuru just looks at him. “Well I’m street smart. Or… Well I’m probably better at skating then him at least, right!?”

“Javi, he’s a volleyball player, not a skater.”

“You’re really not dating an ice dancer? When you said tall, I only assumed it was one of the loyal male ice dancers who are always flirting with you.”

“I said we not dating. Just talking. And I never had any ice dancer flirting with me!”

“Yuzu, there’s no way you’re telling me you never noticed! They basically throw themselves at you! And you just let it happen!” Javier almost sounds angry, and Yuzuru is very confused all of a sudden. He’s acting really weird about this. “Does this dude at least know anything about skating!?”

“Yes, actually, he said you his favorite skater. Well I said he can’t possibly say me, so maybe you his second choice.” Yuzuru flicks Javi on the forehead. “I’ll introduce you and you’ll see he’s harmless. He might be a head taller than us, but he’s basically a baby.”

“How could he possibly be more of a baby then you?” Javi tugs on a lock of his hair and Yuzu swats his hand away and tells him to shut the hell up.

But now that Javi knows he’s “talking” to someone, or whatever, he won’t stop bringing it up. Which really starts to piss Yuzu off, because Javi’s had plenty of girlfriends and Yuzu has never teased him like this. Or whatever this can be described as.

It’s gotten so bad that somehow Brian has even found out, and when Yuzu asks him why Javi seems almost obsessed with it, Brian just tells him that’s something Javier needs to use his last remaining brain cells to figure out himself. And preferably before he drives his own coach to madness.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Brian just shakes his head and says something about how he’s sick of oblivious kids and their oblivious hearts. He shrugs it off and joins the stroking exercise, skating in right between Javi and Nam.

Nam nudges him and whispers, “So, I heard you have a boyfriend?” Yuzu, instead of answering, turns and punches Javier as hard as he can in the arm.

“Ah, Yuzu, why!?”

“Why!? Why is Nam, innocent and pure Nam, saying he hears I have boyfriend?!” Yuzuru grabs the culprit by the ear and yanks. He finally turns toward Nam, “No, Nam, I do not have a boyfriend.”

“Pffft. Yet.” Javier mutters, then immediately cowers in fear. “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it! And I’m sorry I talked to Nam, it’s just, it’s confusing, that’s all.”

“Aren’t I a human being just like the two of you? What is there to be confusion about? Is it because of the boy thing-“

“No, Yuzu, that’s not a big deal at all.” Nam reassures him. It doesn’t surprise him, but it’s still nice to hear. Sure, most of their coaches and choreographers might be gay, but that doesn’t mean every individual skater is going to be accepting.

“Then, what is it?” Javier is for once at a loss for words. He’s uncharacteristically jittery, eyes not daring to make contact with Yuzuru’s, like he’s afraid he will burn up into nothing if their pupils make any contact whatsoever. Yuzuru shrugs. “Whatever. We about to get in trouble with Tracy, let’s continue.” He gestures towards the group already almost on their second lap. “Let’s race?”

Yuzuru wins while Javier and Nam both wipe out, so they get in trouble with Tracy in the end anyways.

Yuzuru doesn’t have much time to dwell on dating or Javier’s take on it, because he has his first competition of the season and he’s hell bent on winning while showing off his new free program. This will be his first time competing at Autumn Classic, and he immediately takes a liking to the small rink and small crowd.

“Don’t set your expectations too high, Yuzu. It’s only the first competition of the season, you absolutely don’t need to skate perfect.” Brian tells him at the boards where Pooh is already in battle position. He takes a tissue and blows his nose. Everything just feels right for once.

“Don’t need to worry Brian. I know this is like first waffle, or whatever you say. I will just have fun.” Brian looks at him with the fear of god in his eyes. “But I will obviously try with everything in me to skate perfect.” Brian’s gaze softens as he ruffles Yuzu’s bangs.

“Ah, there’s the kid I know. Now go scare these other boys with your quads.” Nam, who’s also competing, mutters a “Hmmph, I’m not scared.”

“Did he just do a quad toe… triple axel?” Nam asks Brian who nods. “Nevermind. I’m so scared.”

The short program is very much first pancake like, but Yuzuru tries his hardest to keep his kuyashii levels in check. 93, he can work with, especially in September. He cheers for Nam who is skating next and can’t help but run through the program over and over in his head.

The free is comparable to the short, but this time he can feel the music entering into him, like it’s filling some sort of emptiness inside and transforming him into someone else. A hand down on the second quad, a fall on the third, a step out of his second triple axel, but he doesn’t let the music exit him. Instead he uses it to carry him to the end.

He wants to skate again. One more time, he thinks as he waits for his score, Brian and him going over the program details. The scores finally are announced and Brian says, “Not bad for September.”

“I can do better. I can be perfect.”

“I know. And you will.”

He’s surprised to get a message from Taka once he finally checks his phone after the medal ceremony. He’s clutching the gold medal in his hands, revelling in the feel of the leaf shaped gold, while thinking, one day, I will earn a gold medal with no mistakes. Then maybe he won’t feel this regret polluting his meridians.

The message reads You did well, but I can still feel your kuyashii all the way from my seat.

Yuzuru replies, What, you are here?

I warned you I’m a fan, I’m not apologizing.

Idiot, you don’t have to apologize. Did it live up to your expectations?

No. It exceeded them.

Pfff. I guess you don’t have very high expectations.

Let me buy you food tonight anyway? Please?

Almost every part of him wants to deny so he can sit in the darkness of his room and rewatch his programs ten times each, but he figures that’s one of the unhealthy behaviors he should think about cutting back on, so he accepts. That doesn’t mean he isn’t going to watch them on the car ride back to Toronto, though. He can’t completely change, afterall.

“So, are you gonna stalk me at Skate Canada, too?” Is how he greets Taka at their agreed meeting place, a Japanese restaurant they frequent a ton these days.

Taka pouts, and Yuzu can’t help thinking that he wants to pinch the other’s cheeks. “Unfortunately, no. Practice gets intense around November for me.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right, I forget you have obligations besides being a Fanyu.”

“Y-You-”

“I’m joking! You better practice hard! Doing spikes and serves or whatever volleyball players do.”

“I’m a setter, Yuzu, a setter!”

They continue to banter, until eventually Taka can’t seem to stop himself from gushing about how great the free was. How it looked like he was a different person out there, more so than any other program he’s performed. Yuzu blushes, but admits he does feel something different while skating to this music.

“Maybe it’s the spirit of Abe no Seimei himself, or something. It has to be! Yuzu, I really think you can win your second Olympic gold with this. And third, and fourth. Stop laughing! I’m serious!”

“So I should just only skate this program for the rest of my career?”

“I don’t think anyone would complain. The fanyus would be happy.”

“Oh, so now you represent them all?” Taka nods, and Yuzuru feels the last of his frustration dissipate. All he can feel is the gnawing want to practice and suddenly noon tomorrow seems way too far away. He wants to hear the bell signaling a clean program ringing through the rink. He wants to see Javi, too, and he wants the bell to be rung for him as well. Ah, there it was again, his thoughts returning to Javier like his brain was full of magnets whose pull went directly to him.

Taka’s voice pulls him out of it, in smooth Japanese, and Yuzu hates himself for not being pulled by magnetic forces towards it. “Are you thinking about your programs again?”

“No, not exactly. I just want to practice.”

“I know the feeling.” Taka says, forlornly, and Yuzu thinks this might work after all. Taka understands that almost obsessive need to become a master at a sport, and even knows what it’s like to give up certain chunks of youth to it. “I never really like to admit this out loud, but the Olympics are my goal. I’m going to school in Toronto because the sports journalism program is good, but also because of the team.”

Taka talks about his teammates a lot, a whole bunch of really tall Russians and then Taka, who made it onto the main team despite his original lack of natural talent. If anyone has enough sheer will to make it all the way to the top, it’s him. “Taka, you are going to the Olympics, and you will win a gold medal, no matter what. And then you can wear it around the house like you wanted.”

“I’ll try my hardest.” Taka laughs, blush dusting his cheeks that still have a bit of baby fat on them, despite his rigorous training and diet. “And you will win your second, right?”

“Of course. Is that even a question?” Yuzu laughs, but there's an aching pain in his chest when he thinks of what will most likely happen by the next Olympics - Javi will retire, and he will be left alone out there on the ice. He shakes his head, as if it will dispel all thoughts of the future, and snatches up the bill before Taka has the chance.

As more time passes, the future becomes increasingly more terrifying for Yuzuru, no matter how much he screams and scrapes at the fear curling around his organs. But he can’t deny it anymore - he’s afraid. As long as there's such a thing as time, everybody's damaged in the end, changed into something else. It always happens, sooner or later. This affirmation doesn’t stop Yuzuru from waking up in cold sweats at night from a nightmare where he was injured to the point where he couldn’t skate anymore, or ones where Javier skates on cricket club ice with him for the last time.

He can’t even tell which one hurts worse, anymore. He misses when skating was the only thing polluting his mind. He can’t even remember a time where Javier didn’t, unfortunately. He wonders when he reached this point of no return. That point where he can’t even seem to move forward anymore. It’s like all he can really do is quietly accept the fact in order to survive.

What he can’t do is keep doing whatever he’s doing with Taka, who he does cherish in many ways, but it’s not like he can simply tear the part of him that’s Javier’s out and throw it away, as much as he wishes he could. It was stupid of him to think he ever could.

But no matter how hard he tries, he can’t say the words out loud to Taka. Sweet, caring, accepting Taka, who would laugh and call him dumb when the selfish words leave his lips. He doesn’t know how he let it get this far, with Taka’s tongue down his throat and tears welling up in his eyes, despite how good it actually feels, how good Taka is, in every way he can think of.

“Yuzu?” Taka pulls away when he tastes the other’s tears on his lips. “I-I’m sorry, it’s just, to be honest I really like you, but-”

“I-I can’t. I r-really thought I could, but I can’t.”

Taka puts a larger distance between them, avoiding eye contact, and Yuzu wishes he could ruffle his hair and say he was kidding, that he does like him back, but that wouldn’t be fair to him at all. “I should’ve told you before but, I’m kind of, I guess, really in love with someone else? A-And as much as I like you, like talking to you and eating with you, I can’t stop loving that o-other person. I know I should’ve told you! But I was afraid, because you are one of the easiest people for me to talk to in Toronto-”

“Yuzuru Hanyu. You are an idiot. You think that just because you can’t like me like that I won’t be your friend? I know you have no other friends, so you better let me stick around after this!”

“I so do have friends!” Figures Taka would try to distract him enough to put a stop to his sobs. Another reason he’s such an asshole for letting it get to this point in the first place.

“Name one that isn’t either continents away or Javier, who you are so obviously in love with that I’m the one who should be apologizing for even trying anything with you!”

“Oh my god, it’s really that obvious?”

“To everyone but him, it seems. God, I just wanted to lock you two in a room together and leave you there until one of you admitted something. It was honestly hard to watch you two interact. It’s like you two are soulmates or something.” The others words send a jolt through his body, he’s so shocked he physically flinches. He knew it was a bad idea to let Taka come to the cricket club.

“Even if we are soulmates, Javi has a girlfriend, always has, there’s no way he could love me back.” Yuzuru thinks of that bus ride they took together in Barcelona, after he’d told him about their marks, when Javier’s eyes looked angry and sad. “Like, there’s actually no way.”

“Well, have you ever actually asked him?”

“N-Not exactly, but-”

“Then you will never actually know.” Taka flicks him on the forehead, and it’s like they never kissed at all, and Yuzuru is so, so glad. “Do you wanna hear about my traumatic unrequited love? Will that make you feel better?”

Yuzuru frowns, but nods anyways, and lets Taka tell him about his teammate from his high school volleyball team, a curly haired boy two heads shorter than him but with enough jumping talent to make it on the team despite his tiny frame. They were best friends, Taka claimed, a wistful expression on his face, but everything was ruined when the pair of them got drunk for the first time and Taka ended up admitting his love before puking all over the other. It’s a sad story, and it really doesn’t make Yuzuru want to admit his own stupid love, but it does make the bricks laying heavy on his chest feel lighter.

Then you will never actually know. He can’t stop hearing Taka’s voice in his head, repeating these words like a mantra, and he curses the other for planting a seed in his mind that he refuses to let fully grow. But it does, anyway, because it’s getting too much sunlight from Javier’s smile, which seems to be directed at him way too often lately. Even though the other seems more distant than ever these days. Like their orbits are no longer in sync with each other.

But it’s not like he can stop the fear of losing the other like he almost did the last time he said something he shouldn’t have from crawling up his throat and clogging it, so he just throws himself harder then ever into perfecting his programs. After getting yet another Skate Canada silver medal, he is more motivated than ever, more focused then he has been in his entire career.

And it pays off, in ways he only dreamed of, with two nearly perfect programs with scores that he thinks will stay printed on his eyelids for months to come. This is it, he thinks, after the NHK free program comes to an end, this, and this alone, is all I was born for. Nothing else matters. Over 300 points, in fact 22 points over 300, as Brian keeps raving about as they leave the kiss&cry. “I’m so proud of you. You worked so hard.” He says, and Yuzuru almost cries, because that’s all he’s ever wanted to hear. Not you’re talented, but you worked so hard.

And all he wants to do is work even harder. Till he gets to the point where there is no way he could ever fall again.

With the Grand Prix Final mere weeks away, he’s even more fired up in practice. It’s being held in the same place as last year, Barcelona, the place that still sends tremors through him at just the thought. He can still see the stars from that midnight blue sky sometimes in the recesses of his mind, sucking his consciousness back to that moment in time and sending him into a black hole.

He knows he needs to take his mind somewhere else in order to win, away from the warm crowd of Javier’s home country and into the cold silence of Abe no Seimei’s and Chopin’s fate. That doesn’t stop him from wanting to encourage the other like he did last year, but he can’t reach, the difference of gravity between them is too inhibiting.

But he can tell in the lines of Javier’s body that his mind isn’t primed, in fact it’s in disarray. He wants to slap the other or hug him or do anything. How did he ever do anything in the past? How much of a coward has he turned into in less than a year? So he just watches from a distance and feels bile rising in his throat.

But he still lets the piano notes of the very familiar Ballade No. 1- float through the marrow of his bones when it’s his turn to skate, letting it seize him up into it’s comforting embrace. And somehow, he does the impossible again. In fact 4 whole points higher than what he thought was his impossible skate at NHK. Now Javier is next, and he feels like a burden to the other at this moment, even though he can’t help but cheer the loudest he possibly can for the other, till his lungs burn and his throat aches.

And Javier pulls it together, for the most part. A step out on his quad isn’t irredeemable, afterall. They can still share a podium, and Yuzuru finds himself longing for it in this space of time where they feel so far apart. The familiar feeling of the other’s arms around him while standing on top of the podium is the only thing that could possibly ease his mind.

He wonders when it became this hard to feel close to the other. When exactly things began to feel strange as if they were walking in slow motion around each other, even though most of their shared time together is spent rotating at hurdling speeds through the air.

Javier still praises him at the short program press conference, claiming he wouldn’t be the skater he is without Yuzuru, how no one else works harder than him, but it just sends shooting pain through him. He wants to scream that he’s the human being he is because of Javier. How they are linked together by permanent marks, but he never would, so he just roasts Javier for his quad salchow instead.

Javier skates before him this time, and there is none of the tension from yesterday in his body. Instead he sets the crowd on fire with one of the best skates of his career. Yuzuru feels proud of the other, he really does, but it stings to know the other is just fine without him. In fact he is at his very best.

He’s beginning to feel way too much like a human being lately, even as he finishes the best skate of his life. A history making skate, Brian says.

“I can do more. I will.” But then his scores finally pop up, and he’s crying, being very much like the human being he is. Because all of his life had to have been leading to this moment, could there be anything else? He has his doubts, despite his words to Brian mere moments ago.

He has a sudden realization that his biggest competitor has somehow become himself.

It’s a very arrogant thought, but an even lonelier reality. It doesn’t stop the aching pain in his ankle from throbbing at the forefront of his mind once the music exits him, but instead makes him even more aware of it.

“Congratulations. Truly, from the bottom of my heart. Yuzuru, that was unbelievable.” Javier is hugging him, and it’s way too much for his frayed nerve endings yet he still sinks into it. If what he has to do is skate like this everyday to get the other to hug him like this, he gladly would.

“You, you too. You were also unbelievable, Javi.” He says it in the weakest, tear stained voice, but Javier still looks at him like he said the most profound of compliments. He didn’t even realize he was still crying until the other wiped his tears with a warm thumb, and more tears fell at the thought of how many times Javi has been there to wipe his tears.

“Javi, could you ever-” Love me, the question is there, at the very tip of his tongue, but before he can say the words the other is getting swept up by Spanish media and old friends and he’s left with the words burning his lips. And they stay there, throughout the entire medal ceremony and press conference, until his tongue feels raw and burnt.

There’s something about Javi skating in his home country that makes him shine radiantly. Yuzuru feels that if he comes too close to the other while here with him, in this Barcelona rink with more warmth than any ice rink should have, he’d get third degree burns. But he does it anyway, like the very stupid man he is, and he can swear he feels his skates melting the ice.

He doesn’t say anything, and neither does Javier, but they skate side by side on their last trip around the rink. The audience is pleasant, just like they always are in Barcelona, and Yuzuru feels at peace here with the dimmed lights and Javier by his side. Maybe something between them was mended this evening, or maybe it’s just Yuzuru's wishful thinking. But for now, he’s going to pretend that everything is okay.

“Yuzu could you..” He almost flinches at the sound of the others voice, so close and quiet in his ear that he almost thought he imagined it, if it wasn’t for the rocks landing in his stomach that prove its existence.

“Could I… what?” What could Yuzuru possibly not do for the other? But of course he doesn’t say that, not in a stadium filled with so many people, all looking at them like they just saved the world. And not ever in front of Javier, who would feel the weight of his words heavy as bricks on his shoulders.

“Nevermind.” Yuzuru scrunches his eyebrows in confusion at the other, turning to look into his eyes, something he feels he hasn’t done for months. What he finds there he hasn’t seen for a while, but it brings the same lurching feeling to the surface of his consciousness. “Maybe later.”

“No, Javi, please, what is it!” Yuzuru punches him in the arm, but Javier just chuckles breathily and shakes his head, curls swaying back and forth. But Yuzuru has this distinct impression that he was blocking some flow of emotion inside himself. Maybe because he’d seen the same thing reflected back at him in the mirror oh so many times.

Yuzuru hopes that whatever flow of emotion it was, Javier doesn’t hold onto it for long.

Yuzuru hopes that if he looks at the rain long enough, perched on the rooftop of this fairly nice Barcelona hotel, with no thoughts in his head, he will start to gradually feel his body falling loose, and shake free from the world of reality. Because rain, or so they say, has the power to hypnotize.

But Yuzuru must be immune, because he doesn’t feel any of those things, probably since there’s way more thoughts in his head then he can even begin to count. It seems as if there always is. The most pressing is his ankle, which seems to increase in pain by the millisecond. Like millions of tiny needles all pushed into the same spot. He hasn’t told anyone, not even Brian or his mom or Javier, because then it would become his reality. Maybe, if he ignores it, the universe will decide that he’s had enough and leave it be.

His thoughts are interrupted by the other pressing matter in his coiled up brain, Javier. Who’s just standing there above him, eyes towards the skyline, like it isn’t weird for him to intrude on Yuzuru’s attempt to be hypnotized.

“Hey! Leave, I wanna be alone.”

“No, you don’t.” Javier says, stone cold. Can't Yuzuru ever be taken seriously? But he guesses the former statement isn’t all that wrong, so he lets it go and simply sighs.

About twenty minutes pass like this, just the two of them, getting soaked by the rain. And he thinks it might be working, this hypnotization thing he’s trying out. His body feels relaxed, his mind at ease, and reality seems like some far away concept to him.

“When it's raining like this," Javier says, almost breaking Yuzuru from his peace, but not quite, "it kinda feels as if we're the only two in the world, doesn’t it? I wish it would just keep raining so maybe the two of us could just… stay together.”

He said the last two words very quietly, and if Yuzuru wasn’t attuned so well to that voice, he might not have caught it over the sound of the rain. “Yeah. Yeah, that would be nice. I mean, I would like that.”

“Really?”

“You’re really an idiot, aren't you?” Is he really doing this again? He thought he’d learned his lesson. When Javier definitely rejected him on that bus in this same city exactly a year ago. Maybe it’s the rain. He will blame this on the rain.

“Well what about Taka?”

“Well what about Miki?”

“T-That’s … not a thing anymore, actually.”

“And why is that?” He will get Javier to talk, even if it means he’s the one who ends up embarrassed in the end. But he thinks of Taka’s story, and realizes that he needs to take chances even if reality ends up in puke and losing best friends.

“B-Because…” Javier takes a deep breath, probably hoping for Yuzuru to interrupt, but he doesn’t. If there’s anything Yuzuru knows about him it’s that he won’t talk unless given eons of space to figure it out. “Okay, so you know how I was weird about your boyfriend?”

“I don’t have boyfriend. How many times I have to tell you.” Yuzuru says, but it’s soft, urging Javier to keep going.

“Well. You aren’t the only one who noticed how weird I was acting about it… Miki did too. And she made me realize things that I’d been too afraid to realize by myself.”

“Javier.” Yuzuru takes Javier’s clenched fist in both hands and squeezes really hard. “You have to say. Because if you don’t, I will!”

“Yuzu, I-“

“I love you, Javi! Not like best friend love, okay? I only said that because I not want to lose you. And Taka… we are just friends, fuck, even he noticed I’m in love with you. I love you so much it hurts to skate on the same ice as you. But I love you so much that I feel I have to be skate on same ice as you. I loved you before I even knew we were soulmates! I really hate you! Why not realize early! Why do you have to-“

“Yuzuru. Yuzuru!” For a second he thinks he very unsurprisingly got it all wrong, but then Javier kisses him, just a peck on the lips, but it’s like all the thoughts in his head finally got washed away in the rain once and for all and he’s just a shell of a body with its soul trying not to fall down this thirty-something-foot building. “I’m sorry. But I didn’t think… I didn’t think you could love me like that. Or that I even loved you like that. But I did the entire time, I think. Back when I gave you that tea, when I asked you to come to Toronto, when you told me about our matching dates, fuck, Yuzu, I’ve loved you in the intervals between every second since we met. All that stuff I said about not believing in soulmates was naive, because I know I can’t run away - there's no one else for me but you. Who is too good for me in every way, who shines like the moon and stars and everything in between, who could out skate me at any competition, Yuzu I just- I want to be with you. Can I be with you?”

“I hate you. I really do.” Yuzuru throws himself into the others arms, holding nothing back, but Javier still catches him. Ever so reliable and clueless. Him, too good for Javier? Maybe he really does love him, because anyone can tell that in reality it's the opposite. “But yes, of course you can. It’s fate, right?”

He kisses him, longer this time, the rain causing their lips to slide together. And it feels so right. “Right.” Javier says against his lips, and Yuzuru’s fingers find their way to his wrist and brush against where he knows that infuriating little date is etched.

But maybe it’s not so infuriating anymore, after all.

Hope resides in the obliteration of logic. At least that’s what Yuzuru always believed. But now he thinks maybe hope resides in patience and a dash of bravery. Or maybe hope lies in the rain, and in the great big puddles it leaves behind that he’s always tried so hard to avoid stepping into. But now it feels like he can stomp on them with both feet and not be afraid.

He never thought life could end up like this. Especially his own. Even when he’s sitting there, his chest feeling hollowed out, because he’s lost another World Championships gold medal to the ailments of his own body and mind. But this time, he can’t break down crying for too long, because his Javier is at the top of that podium, so it feels as if a piece of him is up there as well.

That doesn’t mean he’s not frustrated as hell, or that he didn’t want that gold medal like a mosquito craves for blood, or a lion for meat. What it does mean is that he can feel at peace knowing it’s going to a worthy competitor. A competitor who he spent many warm mornings, days, evenings, and nights with, who brushes their lips against his collarbone like it’s made of the rarest, purist, most fragile of minerals.

One who’d repeatedly asked, “Are you sure you’re okay, Yuzu?”

Time after time, he lied, replying, “Of course okay. Why wouldn’t I be?” Even though Yuzuru swears he could feel his Date throbbing as he said it, like some metaphysical sign that Javier could see straight through him. Like he could feel the pain his ankle was in, mirrored in his very own body.

Boston was a beautiful town, but Yuzuru is still angry, and sad, and so fed up, wrapped in the blankets of Javier's hotel bed. He thinks how upset he’d have been if Javier hadn’t come to him with the severe problems he was having with his boots throughout this week in Boston, and berates himself for not being able to be honest with the one person he knows would most want to know. Another reason Javi is so much better than him in every minuscule little way. (Every wonderful, amazing, breathtaking little way.)

“Yuzu.” Javi says as soon as he opens the hotel room door, sad eyes and slumped shoulders, something the two-time reigning World Champion shouldn’t ever have. “It’s your ankle, isn’t it?”

And now he is sobbing. All the tears from earlier that he was oh so proud of not even forming came down his cheeks like he was single-handedly draining someone’s well. “Shh, shh, it’s okay. You didn’t have to tell me. But you know, Yuzu you should always know, that you can tell me anything.”

Yuzu nods, and nods, and nods again, until his tear soaked mushy skull starts to ache, and he buries it with all its weight and slime into Javi’s warm chest. “I-I know. But… I felt like if I kept it somewhere deeply hidden, even from you, who I swear I’ve given everything I can to, then it just… it just not be real. Like maybe I could overcome it, or something, I don’t know, but I just stupid-“

“No, Yuzu.” Javier wipes his cheeks and disgustingly his dripping nose too, “You are just a human being.” Yuzu cries some more, but now he’s laughing too, even though his chest is still feeling hollow, and his brain and ankle ache. But somehow, it feels dull. He knows he won’t be completely rid of it for a while, probably until he gets the gold medal he’s gone 730 days without. But at least he can when they are like this, alone in their own makeshift home, that can be sprung up anywhere around the globe as long as they have each other.

“I love you.” Yuzuru says into Javier's wrist, that he has trapped against his soaking wet slippery cheeks. “And, so sorry. We should celebrating your win, not wallowing in my stupid stubborn miseries.”

“Shut it, Hanyu.” Javier kisses his collarbone, that way he always does, “You know you are always the champion in my heart. I’d spend everyday wallowing in whatever you wanted. You. Big. Idiot.” He says, kissing him between every word. “And I love you, too. I love that you are a crybaby and a sore loser.”

“Hey!” Yuzuru pouts, but a smile quickly breaks through to the surface. “Well I love that you… that you…”

Javier laughs so hard he’s crying now, too.