Archive of Our Own ^beta

Ray, eternal sunshine, always smiling, Palmer was quiet on what Nora thought was a beautiful day in May. Anachronism activity had been light and so the Legends decided on a little shore leave. Ray still had an apartment in Star City so they decided to go there. Nora was surprised to see Ray relieved to spend time away from the other Legends and yes they were insufferable at times but she also knew that Ray and the Legends were thicker than any blood ties that he formed with this family.

She followed him up to his apartment with their belongings and walked in behind him. When Nora got to the bedroom she placed her bag on one side of his bed and she sighed. Something was wrong with Ray. She walked back out to the living room and saw him staring out one of the floor to ceiling windows. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his middle and pressed her cheek to his back.

“Hey… what’s on your mind, babe?”

Ray turned so he could wrap and arm around Nora and she snuggled into his side. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and sighed. “It’s nothing, I’m sorry I’ve been quiet, just trying to adjust to being back here.”

“Yeah, I guess it has been a while for you, huh?” She closed her eyes as he absently stroked her hair. “Do you want to go out and get lunch or maybe or in or cook? I’m up for anything.”

Ray nodded. “Yeah, we can order in.” He broke away in search of takeout menus and left Nora at the window.

Nora wrapped her arms around herself and sighed. He was still hiding something from her.

It wasn’t like Ray to put up walls like this. Usually he was knocking hers down. She walked back into the bedroom and was putting books on the bedside table when she knocked a frame off the nightstand. She heard it thud gently onto the carpet and picked it up. It was a woman, about her height, with kind brown eyes, brown hair, smiling standing next to Ray. She had her arms around his middle and an engagement ring glittered in the photo. Nora sucked in a breath. It was Anna.

She combed back through memories and factoids about Ray until she settled on one. Deathstroke had killed his fiancee in May not even four years ago… no it was four years ago… to the day. It was the anniversary of Anna’s death.

That’s what was wrong.

Nora wasn’t sure how to act being on the other side of things. She wasn’t sure the best way to approach him or if she should approach him. Maybe she should just let him sulk and be sad Ray Palmer for the day. Nora sat the frame gently back in its original place and continued unpacking her things. She walked back out into the living room to find Ray on the couch with takeout menus in front of him. She sat on his lap, trying to see if the affection would distract him and he wrapped an arm around her, smiling sadly.

“Hey… let’s order some Chinese and then we can watch a movie, okay? How about… Singin’ In the Rain?”

The prospect of watching his favorite movie with his favorite girl seemed to perk him up a bit. Ray nodded and called in their order.

Nora kissed the top of his head, sitting in his lap afforded her a height to do so, and carded a hand through his hair. Her boy needed a haircut. She liked that he was growing out to look less boyscout-ish but it was only getting unruly. The longer hair didn’t suit him as well as his shorter style. It was less Ray to her.

When they got their food, Nora queued up the TV to start their movie. Nora pulled out the thickest blanket she could find and draped it over both of them, something inside of her, knowing it was the anniversary of her boyfriend’s ex fiancee’s death, she wanted to protect Ray, his heart, and anything else to do with him and his feelings about today. She rested her head on his shoulder and started the movie.

They ate in silence as the movie played, Nora wanting so badly during the slower moments to broach the subject but she just couldn’t. They had shifted to sit only somewhat further apart and when Ray finished his food, twice her size as he may be, decided he wanted to lay his head in her lap. Nora had no problem with it. She carded her fingers through his hair absently and let him just lose himself in the movie, knowing that was probably more than she could do to help in that moment.

When the movie ended, Ray sat up and pulled Nora in for a hug. He squeezed her a lot tighter than she ever remembered him hugging her and she hugged him back. She couldn’t let him know she knew, she wanted him to tell her. He needed to be ready.

Nora watched him get up from the couch and throw their takeout boxes away. He muttered something about going for a run and that he would be back soon. Nora nodded and remained seated on the couch as she watched him disappear into their bedroom, come back out in sweats, and kiss her softly before heading out the door.

xxxx

She knew this went beyond any snooping she had ever done for a mission but she was just curious. It was four years ago but three of those years were taken up by being a Legend full time so who knows what she would find. She started with the chest of drawers, all his clothes, mostly workout and loungewear and undergarments. Next she moved onto the dresser and pulled open each drawer, trying to gauge if any of the belongings were Anna’s. She only got halfway through the dresser before she stopped. Something just felt wrong about this. She took in a deep breath, this would’ve been the place Anna and Ray would’ve started their lives, and probably had begun to before she died. Ray had probably attempted to change as much of he could without selling the place. There was no trace Anna, no ghost of her memory to find.

Ray had been gone for hours at this point and she was starting to get worried. The sun was starting to set and she hadn’t been in this city for over twenty years. Somewhere a very scared fourteen year old Nora Darhk had just been possessed by Mallus and even though she had met a very handsome knight and his team and tried to rescue her from her prison, she was still somewhere in this city, alone and afraid.

It was much like she felt now. She had never been the one to figure out how to break someone’s walls down and Ray was a seasoned pro at this point. She guessed that also meant he was an expert at putting them up. Nora looked out the window onto nightfall settling over Star City and sighed.

“Ray, where are you?”

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been standing there but she finally heard the door open and turned around. Ray. He didn’t look so good. Intoxicated? No. He’d be stumbling. High? No that wasn’t Ray at all. He just looked… broken.

Nora slowly approached him, not sure how much contact he wanted or needed.

“Ray?… Is everything alright?”

Ray simply shook his head. He sat down on the couch and Nora sat with him. She took one of his hands and stroked hair away from his face with the other.

“You said you were headed out for a jog, did something happen?”

“I shouldn’t have gone there.”

“What?”

“I shouldn’t have gone to the cemetery. It’s too soon.”

“Too soon for what? Talk to me.”

Ray shook his head. “It should’ve been me. I got away with just a couple of broken bones but she died. It should’ve been me, I was there protect her and I didn’t. I did the one thing I thought I was good at: protecting others.”

Nora stroked his hair. “You’re going to have to give me more context, sweetie, who is this about?”

“Her name… her name was Anna Loring… she was my fiancee. She died four years ago when Deathstroke attacked Star City. I got away with a broken leg but they… he just snapped her neck like she didn’t matter. But she did. She was the most important person in my life… I don’t… I don’t remember being this sad last year or even the year before… I don’t know why it’s hitting me so much this year…”

Nora shrugged. “I’m so sorry, Ray… I don’t know what to tell you. Before I could even really mourn my parents I was placed in protective services and told to forget about who I was before. I was Emily now and I was an orphan. It didn’t matter that my mom and dad had just died. So I had to lock it away. I didn’t deal with it for years. I think it’s okay to cry about this, she was important to you… you loved her and you were planning on spending the rest of your life with her. You don’t just get over that.”

Ray laid his head on Nora’s chest, the angle awkward because of his size, but Nora reclined into the couch to make it a bit easier. She continued to stroke his hair and took in deep breaths until his breathing was in sync with hers. She felt her shirt become wet and knew he was crying. She hummed quietly against the top of his head to let him know she was there.

“I know I’m probably bad at this since you’re the one with tons more experience at dealing with all of my junk but, I’m here for you, Ray… I’m sorry you lost her and know it’s okay to be sad about it. You can cry on me as much as you want, we can move to the bedroom if that’s more comfortable or we can stay right here. Whatever you want. I can make us tea or I can stay right here. You call the shots.”

Ray lifted his head up and reached to wipe away his tears but Nora caught his hands. She wiped the tears from his cheeks instead and reached for a tissue on the coffee table. She handed it to him and he smiled in thanks. He leaned in and kissed her softly and she smiled sadly as they pulled away.

“I think… I think that tea and staying here is what I want to do.”

Nora smiled. “I’ll get the kettle on.”

xxxx

They sat there in silence, both stirring their mugs to keep their mind focused on something. Ray hadn’t said much more but Nora knew to just let him be, give him the time he needed to reveal or not reveal whatever he felt comfortable with.

“Nora…?”

“Yeah, Ray?”

“Thank you… for… well… you were my rock tonight… this has been the hardest anniversary I’ve had. And I don’t think I would’ve gotten through it without you.” He took her hand. “Thank you, really, I mean it.”

“You have been there for so many things for me, Ray, I didn’t know exactly what you were struggling with but I could tell something was off. I just needed to make sure I made myself emotionally available. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this is for you.”

“But your parents…”

“Died a long time ago and my dad died a hero the second time around. It’s… the same but different. I guess I know what you’re going through in the sense that I’ve lost people too, but I haven’t lost anyone that meant as much to me as Anna did to you.”

Ray squeezed her hand three times, “I don’t want you to think that because of what we have and what Anna and I had, they’re somehow in competition.”

Nora waved him off. “No, I could never think that. I know I can never replace Anna, I wouldn’t try to. She was probably very different from me and that helps me to know that I definitely could never replace her. I want whatever part in your life you’ll have me for.”

Ray pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. “Anna would want me to be happy… I think she would like you. You guys were very different yes, but I needed her for the part of my life between college and becoming the ATOM. But I need you for this part of my life. The part of my life that I hope is the rest of my life because I don’t want you to leave. You don’t just have a part in my life. You are my life.”

Nora leaned up and kissed him softly. “Let’s head to bed.”

Ray nodded and followed her wordlessly to the bedroom.

xxxx

Nora, now changed into a nightgown, was finishing up in the ensuite bathroom when she saw Ray come up behind her in the mirror. He was in pajamas too and wrapped his arm around her torso. Nora placed her hands on his forearm and rested her chin in the crook of his elbow.

“Hi.” She smiled, looking into his eyes through the mirror.

Ray buried his face into her neck and breathed her in. Trying to hold onto her impossibly tighter than before.

Nora let him hold her for a minute before turning in his arms and cupped his cheeks in her hands and kissed him softly. She broke away and tugged on his hand to follow her back into the bedroom. She noticed the picture of Anna had been moved to his nightstand and she got under the covers next to him. Nora picked up her book and began to read. She reached for Ray’s hand and squeezed his hands three time, glancing up at him. He leaned in to kiss her once more before laying down for the night, facing her, and keeping their hands clasped together.