Chapter Text
Nikolai was still staring at her, at the place on the bed where the Darkling had been just moments before. A ghost, a whisper in the dark room.
“How long?” He asked her. “How long has this been going on?”
“It hasn’t. This wasn’t anything,” she told him but it sounded feeble even to her own ears. How could she explain? What was there to explain? There wasn’t anything to explain even if she felt like she had to say something. It wasn’t any of their business. She didn’t belong to any of them.
“There is little point to lying about it. It didn’t look like nothing. His hands were all over you, you were just as bad.” He shook his head as if he couldn't believe what he had walked into. “He isn't the enemy, or so he claims, but he is still a monster, Alina.”
“I know who he is, Nikolai. I'm not lying either, there is nothing going on between us.”
“The look on your face says otherwise.” There was still a dazed expression on her face and she wouldn't shift it even if she could. His hands had brought her to life. Yes, she thought, she would be happy to burn for him. “Why was he here in your rooms if that was nothing? Have the two of you been conspiring together and then uniting against us in all these meetings?” Alina let out a short laugh at that. He was smarter than to assume such things.
“No, Nikolai, don't be absurd. There is no plotting or planning going on. We are not working against you!”
“Then what is it?” He had never sounded so pained. “ What is it about him that I can't give you? You heard the conversation in that council meeting today. You knew what was to be expected of me, of us . I came here for you to make it clear I wasn’t just going to offer a loveless alliance.” A bitter laugh left his lips. “Only for me to come here to you and find the two of you grabbing at each other in the dark!”
That had been the wrong thing to say to her. “I am not expected to do anything. I fought and bled too. Suffered for these people who would have let me die if they thought it would have given them the slightest chance at survival.” She was on her feet now and took a few steps towards where he stood. He had since moved into the room, the door shut firmly behind him. “Am I not my own person? Am I not free to make my own choices? I have given enough . I sit in these meetings and soothe the people and show my power to remind our enemies that we have control. But I will not be married off in some power bid. You are my friend and my king, Nikolai, but you are not my lover or my keeper.” There was no point to this argument. She didn’t want Nikolai, didn’t crave his touch. There had been a time when she had thought… But it was nothing but a selfish thought from a lonely girl. She wasn’t the same person she had been when she was first dragged into the ranks of the Grisha, she couldn’t be. Hell she wasn’t even the same girl she had been when she had first met Nikolai. It would be easy to love him, any sane person could see that, but she found that her heart did not sing for such things. There had been hurt on his face when he had first walked into her room and saw them together, a tangle of limbs and despite the anger simmering within her she still cared about how he felt. Her anger withered. “Why are you here?” She asked with none of the venom from moments before. He was standing closer to her now. His eyes bore into hers and she felt that gaze strip her bare.
“Because I had hoped that it would be me. Forget the politics. I hoped to be the one you wanted.” He pressed his lips to hers, strong hands moving to hold the curve of her waist. She didn’t pull back but didn’t return the kiss either. It wasn’t a bad kiss, it was warm and sweet and teasing and something that was so totally him. There was rush from the contact, from having this beautiful man so close to her that made her head swim a little. Just a little.
She had never attracted the attention of so many men. But in the short time since the world had turned on its head there had been Mal, The Darkling and now Nikolai. But she knew, in her damaged and twisted heart, who would hold her affections. Palm against Nikolai’s thundering heart, she pushed him gently away but firmly. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers.
“You have become so cold, Alina, so unlike you. I won't lose you to him. I won’t let you become like him.”
Stepping out of his touch, she said, “I’m not yours to lose.”
~*~*~*~
Alina had expected to wake the next morning to find the whole world had turned against her. Nikolai had left her the previous night without another word and The Darkling had not returned to her rooms. She had remained in her rooms, staring at the dark expanse of ceiling above her bed thinking of how quickly everything seemed to slip so precariously out of her hands. It wasn’t fair for the world to assume that she would just continue to give more and more and more of herself until there was nothing left. She had bleed and suffered enough for Ravka. Granted a lot of the pain had come from the hands of the Darkling… But he had given her more than the people of these palaces had ever given her. He had shown her that she was powerful and unique. Had shown her how to master herself and her power and call to her the light of the sun. She was power. She was not a pawn for these people. .
Her friends were unlikely to understand the pull she felt towards him, but then hadn’t the Darkling always told her that? That they would never understand her, not in the way he did because despite how much she might want to fight it, fight him , they were the same. Like calls to like.
As it turned out, much to her surprise, the world had not turned against her for her decisions and actions of the night before. But she had woken to a letter with her name written so elegantly in black across the front of the parchment. She knew who it was from the second she had spotted it and her thoughts of Nikolai flew from her mind as she took it in her hand.
Alina,
Join me for dinner this evening in my rooms. We have some unfinished business to attend to.
He hadn’t signed the letter but he didn’t need to. There was a warmth quickly spreading through her like wildfire and it settled in the place between her legs. The response had been instantaneous. She hadn’t forgotten how it had felt to have him press her into the mattress as he had the previous night, hands tracing her curves and lips lingering on her neck. He must know that she had no… experience in such matters and that she was nothing more than a fumbling novice when it came to such things. But she had felt the evidence of his arousal pressed against her through his clothes and there had been in mistaking the burning need blazing in his silver eyes.
If she went to his rooms as per his request she was certain in her heart that she knew what the outcome of the night would be. She knew how this would end. Would she be leaving his rooms tonight? She was going to need some female assistance before she left for his rooms.
She knew that she would have to face Nikolai eventually. They were friends despite the additional things he might want from her and ignoring the issue, much as she might wish to, would only cause the rift between the two friends to grow. Thankfully there would be no more meetings for the next two days, they would resume again at the start of the new week. That conversation could wait. There were some things she needed to sort out for herself before she faced him again.
~*~*~*~
Genya stared wide eyed at Alina.
Alina had joined her friend for lunch and asked her to join her after in her rooms. The two girls had chatted throughout their lunch and it seemed as if her friend remained blissfully unaware of the events of the previous night. Which was going to leave Alina the pleasure of telling her friend of the plans she had for the evening. Genya was talking about David as they walked back to Alina’s room from the hall, the walk short as she was still residing in the Darklings old rooms at the back of the hall. David was becoming increasingly more aware of Genya, he had since the incident with her face and was helping her work on a salve to alleviate some of the scarring. Alina hadn't missed the way Genya had casually mentioned that the fabrikator had kissed her after their time in his workshop before hastily retreating back to his work. The two would come to terms with their relationship sooner rather than later, but it did help that David seemed to be more comfortable around Genya.
Upon arriving in her rooms, the two took up their places on the sofa soaking up the heat from the fire nearby. Winter was finally releasing its hold on the Os Alta but the cold remained biting well into the spring.
“So what did you need me for, Alina? It's been an age since you've asked me here.” Genya said with a mock pout. Alina had spent a good deal of time with the red haired girl but had refrained from inviting her back to her rooms, unsure of how she would react being in the space the Darkling had once inhabited.
“There's two things. I need you to help me pick out some clothing for dinner tonight,” she said carefully watching her friend's reaction.
“Dinner? With who? Oh, Alina is it-”
“It isn't with Nikolai. And Mal isn't here.” Mal had been gone from the Little Palace for months. He was at the border monitoring the situation. She hadn't heard much about it and, since he didn't respond to her letters, she doubted she would until he returned. Genya’s brow furrowed.
“Then I don't know who-” she stopped herself, eyes going wide.
“The Darkling has asked me to join him for dinner this evening.” Alina told her and then realised how stupid and heartless she was for even thinking about asking for her friend’s help. What the Darkling had done to her face… And now she was asking her for help, about to tell her what was going to happen, what had almost happened- “Genya, I'm sorry I didn't think.”
Her friends eyes clouded for a second, just a second before she said, “No, Alina. It's okay. Tell me what's going on.”
“Are you sure? After what he did to you-”
“No, Alina, I made the decision to follow him. I chose then just as I chose to help you escape. I gave him my trust and as much as I disagreed with his plans, I still chose to go against him. I don’t disagree with his goals, just… his methods. I just wish he’d been a little kinder to my face but, alas.” Her gaze was steady as she focused her attention on Alina’s face. There was the smallest smile on her ruined lips. “Besides, it helped David see what had been right in front of him all this time and it’s refreshing to have someone want me for me and not just my pretty face.” Just like that the tension dissipated between the two friends. “So, what’s going on with the two of you? Tell me everything. Don’t pass up on any of the details.”
So Alina told her everything. Well, almost everything. She told her about the previous night and how he had come to her rooms, what Nikolai had walked in on. Genya hadn’t been present for the discussion in the council meeting but somehow the redhead knew a good deal about it all.
“The Darkling is a dangerous man. I wouldn’t try and provoke any jealous tendencies from him. If he wants something then there is little to stop him taking what he wants.” Or who he wants , Alina thought with a shudder.
“I think that was why he came to me last night. I don’t think he appreciated the idea of a marriage between me and Nikolai. But he didn’t even seem angry when Nikolai appeared. He just… left.” And left things between them unfinished.
“And now he’s asked you to join him for dinner tonight? And you’re going to go to him?” Genya raised an eyebrow, knowing exactly how he planned the evening to go.
“I am. That’s why I need your help.”
*~*~*~
The Lantsov boy’s unannounced visit last night had been more than a minor inconvenience for the Darkling. He had been appearing in her rooms for weeks now and with each passing day had found it harder and harder not to visit her there. They had both slipped into this tentative dance that was so unlike himself but he found himself reluctant to break free from the habit. Her presence was a balm to the rukus of court life. He had forgotten how much he loathed the noise and drama of such things and it appeared Alina shared his mentality towards court.
The Darkling had been drawn to Alina since the moment those guards had thrust her before him in that tent a lifetime ago. She seemed so small and insignificant at that time but his power had felt that there was something about the girl that called to him. Nothing in his long years alive had caused him to feel such a presence if another being under his skin. He had been a fool to pretend that it meant that nothing in his plans would change. That nothing in him would change.
From that moment he had wanted her. He had taken lovers over the years. Grisha often failed to resist the draw of his powers and thus he had taken lovers, male and female. None had remained constant and both parties knew that these couplings were a one time thing. But none of these lovers had caused the fractures in his self restraint as Alina had and what made it worse was how effortlessly she had swept into his life and shattered the defences he had kept built around himself for hundreds of years. He had plans that had been set in his mind for many long years and yet, with her, the axis of the world seemed to tilt completely and all those plans he had spent so long carefully crafting had been swept away by the light of this saint. She was a weakness and he had told her as much that night at the Fete when he had been so consumed in his lust and hunger for her body that he would have taken her there against the wall, savage and brutal. Saints, he still wished that he had. He thought of that moment more than he'd care to admit.
But the axis of his world had since shifted. His goals remained the same but perhaps she was the change that was needed, if she would agree to work with him. Maybe she was his weakness but perhaps she was also his salvation.