Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

126 – Shirtless

Alec woke up feeling fresh. He had a really good sleep after a long time, sleep without voices, whispers, dreams or nightmares. He felt like someone had wrapped him in a blanket of warmth, hope and good feelings that took all the nightmares away. He was feeling good, happy even. Although he felt like someone was staring at him.

Magnus had been awaked for a couple of minutes. He had already checked that it was way past breakfast time and well into lunch hours and his phone was charged out. He smiled understanding why Clary hadn’t textually murdered him already for being late on an important morning without any notice. They were supposed to work on the final designs of Cat’s and Ragnor’s wedding dress and suit. But he’d give up anything to have a morning like the one he was having with Alec. He mentally made a note to give that girl a raise and find an assistant for her. Better late than never. Without Clary, Magnus can’t even imagine how BANE would survive, especially in tough times like this.

He seldom had the pleasure of watching Alec sleep as he was the early riser. So he made the use of the moments gazing fondly at Alec’s angelic face. He woke up feeling hungry and remembering the morning he shared with Alec just 2 hours ago. Alec was fast asleep and didn’t even move a bit until he twitched. Magnus knew he was waking up.

Waking up beside Alec had its own perks, Magnus found that morning. Alec’s face was so calm and smiling when he slept. His pale skin glowed in the half-shadowed darkness of the room. His dark hair made a striking contrast to his skin. For one reason Magnus was fascinated by Alec’s hair. It never was tamed. His hair would just go everywhere they wished, giving a permanent look of winded. Magnus loved the feel of softness of his hair.

Alec was beautiful, not that Magnus needed to realize it again but seeing him drool and snore also was beautiful. Magnus assumed that’s what people call being in love. You love the person in any way possible. That person doesn’t have to make an effort to look beautiful to you. They’ll always seem as flawless as the love they share and you’ll always find them beautiful, no matter what.

Magnus was about to trace the shape of Alec’s nose and jaw when he blinked. He stared at Alec, holding his breath, for him to open his eyes. Magnus wanted to see the hazel orbs looking at him. And Magnus wasn’t disappointed. Moments later the hazel eyes bored into his chocolate browns. Alec smiled.

“Hi, Handsome” Magnus smiled as bright as Alec.

“Hi, Beautiful” Alec replied with an equally content smile and raspy voice. “Did I just fell asleep right after…” he trailed off suddenly and Magnus bit his lip to not laugh at Alec’s concerned and embarrassed look, “Aw… hell…” he groaned cutely and threw his hands over his face. Magnus didn’t stop himself anymore. He laughed.

“It’s okay, Love.” Magnus tugged at his hands to move them away, “I understand if you were tired. I didn’t mind.” Magnus blushed lightly when Alec looked up, “It was great actually. I loved it.”

“Yeah… me too… it was awesome.” Alec was blushing too.

“How do you feel?” Magnus asked blushing too.

“I feel… better. You?”

“Sore… but yeah, absolutely better.” Magnus smiled happily.

“I didn’t hurt you right?” Alec looked a bit concerned.

“No.” Magnus traced his fingers on Alec’s chin, something he wanted to do before Alec woke up, “Never. You can never hurt me.”

“You have too much confidence in me, Magnus, given that I’ve already hurt you a lot.” The mood wasn’t as brightened as before as the words sink in both of them.

Magnus bent down to rub his nose on Alec’s, taking him by surprise, “It’s in the past, Love. It’s time to move on, slowly. One step at a time, okay?”

Alec stared at Magnus for a moment too long deciding what he had done to deserve Magnus’s unconditional love. Sometimes it was too much for him, too suffocating. He drew a sudden breath and Magnus noticed the changes.

“Breathe, Alec. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not letting you doubt yourself again. I’ll be here, always.” Magnus gave Alec sweet pecks on his lips between each sentence. Alec didn’t know how to respond.

Somewhere in the back of Alec’s mind, a voice was constantly telling him that Magnus can’t promise that to him. Because then they both will be devastated and disappointed and hurt when one of them will break the promise. He personally knew the pain it brought him for breaking promises. He didn’t want Magnus promising him something that he may or may not be able to keep in future. He didn’t doubt Magnus’s love. But he wasn’t sure how he felt about the promises.

“Besides, waking up with you has its advantage huh?” Magnus teased noticing the change of atmosphere. The conversation was being too dark for a morning like that. He didn’t want to rile up Alec again before he had the chance to gather himself.

“I think I can say the same. We both have some advantage.” Alec teased back. “What time is it? I feel hungry.”

“It’s somewhere around noon. Do you wanna get up and have a shower maybe?” Magnus went to untangle himself from Alec who held him back.

“Not so fast, mister.” Alec held Magnus’s elbow firmly, “I want my morning kiss.”

“Did I just give you license to demand kiss anytime?” Magnus made a disbelieving face but his tone was playful.

“I believe you did. And now you have to put up with it.” Alec gave a full blowing smile. Magnus swooped down laughing lightly and kissed Alec softly on his lips. Alec made a content sound into the kiss. Magnus broke the kiss and pecked on his forehead before getting up.

“You don’t like being shirtless during… you know…” Magnus suddenly said blushing and sit cross-legged beside Alec.

Alec was a bit confused thinking what Magnus meant as he sat up a bit leaning on the backrest. “What do you mean?”

“We did it wearing our shirts.” Magnus pointed a finger between their chests. Alec looked down following the finger. “When we did it that night at my loft…” he gulped trying to assess Alec’s expression. They never talked about that night ever. “…You wore off yours but you never let me. Then also I wore my shirt. So I thought maybe you don’t like being shirtless.”

“Umm…” Alec was frowning and looking down at his shirt trying to think up a reason why they didn’t discard those. He knew he had a reason to not do it at Magnus’s loft. That night he was doing everything to hurt Magnus. But this time, it wasn’t like that. They were making love. They were showing love to each other. They shouldn’t be hiding in their shirt. Heck, Alec even wanted to see Magnus’s smooth caramel skin when he was touching himself. He wanted to see Magnus’s long deft fingers skimming over his chest and abs and throat. Even thinking about it made him shift uncomfortably and his cock to twitch. Then why didn’t he help Magnus to pull off his shirt, seemed like a pretty logical question.

“I think… I forgot.” Alec said meekly peering at Magnus who sat patiently like a child waiting for a proper response.

And Magnus’s expression said he wasn’t happy with Alec’s answer. So he tried again, “When I asked you to undress us… you only dropped your boxer. I followed you. I didn’t even notice the shirt was still there until you were bouncing up on me and touching yourself. And then I got so lost staring at you that I just… forgot.” He could still see Magnus at that moment. “You didn’t try to get off your shirt either or pull off mine. So I just didn’t care.”

127 – I love you anyway I can get you

Magnus frowned first; then his expression changed to amazement, “You liked watching me touching myself so much that you forgot I was still wearing my shirt?”

Alec didn’t understand why it was even a question. So he replied with a snort, “Don’t sell yourself short, Magnus.”

He narrowed his eyes when Magnus cocked at his head at him, listening intently. “Have you looked at yourself? Your body? Do you know why I couldn’t stop staring at you when you danced at the club?” He reached to hold Magnus’s hand and pull him closer, “It’s not only because you’re a dancing god. It’s also because you’re freaking fucking sexy, Magnus. You’re like a Greek god with caramel skin and chocolate brown eyes. You are the only one who has the ability to set me on fire and make my heart burst out my chest at the same time with just a simple look and smile. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing. And you blow my mind away, Magnus. And all because I love you.”

Alec didn’t have to think twice the words. They poured out of him like exhaling. And Magnus was taken aback. He didn’t know until then how Alec felt about him because Alec never used his words like that before. Magnus wanted to smile but he ended up blushing furiously. “You’re overdoing it.”

“You know what I love more than that?” Alec asked cocking his eyebrow. He loved to see that blush betraying Magnus moment by moment. He felt good knowing that he caused that blush.

“There’s more?” Magnus suddenly looked up at Alec who felt like his breath hitched.

Alec nodded slightly before speaking, “Yes there is. Your eyes.”

“What about my eyes?” Magnus was probably frowning or something but Alec couldn’t focus on anything else other than those eyes. He sat up and placed his hands to cup Magnus’s face.

“Your eyes are the best, Magnus. Cause I’ve never seen anything more exquisite than them. They make me feel drunker than a full bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Hell, they can even give Marsala or Vermouth a run for the money.” Magnus marveled at Alec’s ability to keep a straight face.

“That’s… Alec…” Magnus chuckled softly when he understood the comparison. He vaguely thought that it may not be a good thing to tell Alec at the moment that he’s got a weakness for Vermouth.

“Shh…” Alec cut Magnus’s blushing protest, “I don’t know if anyone ever told you this or not. But your eyes are the most beautiful thing about you. They are captivating… hypnotizing even. You remember you used to wear glitter eye-shadows at the club?” he was still talking but Magnus gave a slight nod. “I used to love how they used to bring out the depth of your eyes. But I love them more without the shadows, I’d say. Without them, they’re crystal clear… like mirror, sharp, penetrating… like you could see my soul if you want to. Your eyes always reflect your feelings, even when you try to hide them. Another reason I love to look at these molten chocolate brown eyes.”

Alec was slowly brushing the skin under the eyes with his thumbs. Magnus took a sharp breath. They never broke off the gaze. “You like me wearing glitter? I thought you called me ‘Glitter boy’ just to annoy me…”

“I didn’t like that when you wore that to impress others, or to flirt. I liked it when you wore bright colors to match your mood. Nowadays I only see you in boring office clothes.”

“You like me wearing those glittery clothes? But I only wear them at the club.” Magnus had a sudden giddy feeling inside his chest.

“And those tight pants… those butt showing tight super snug fit jeans you used to wear.” Alec chuckled remembering them, “God they were killer.” Magnus didn’t know why he was smiling so much. “I always saw you at the club. So I was used to seeing you in glitters all the time. Maybe that’s why I miss them since you don’t wear them anymore. You’re not a dull person like me, Magnus. You should wear colorful clothes whenever you like. Don’t let me change that for you.”

“You didn’t change me, Alec.” Magnus reciprocated Alec’s gesture, cupping his face as well. “I still love wearing them but just don’t find any reason anymore.” He noticed Alec’s face falling at that. “Hey… it’s not about you, okay? But since you asked so nicely, maybe I’ll start wearing them again. Maybe I can use those shirts to wear at the office. They won’t look weird being tucked in and teamed with a half jacket right?” and he was lost in his head.

“I don’t know, Mags. It’s your forte.” Alec smirked.

“Well then, are you done making me weak on the knees?” Magnus smirked playfully.

Alec laughed lightly, “I mean it, Mags, believe me.” He said spontaneously, “I loved you then. I love you now. If anything didn’t change over this time, it’s how I feel about you. And please don’t think I’m praising because I love you. You are beautiful, Magnus. There’s nothing I’d change about you. You’re absolutely stunningly beautiful.”

“All yours,” Magnus whispered before kissing Alec softly.

Alec was breathless when they broke. He stared at Magnus glassy-eyed and smiling like a loon as Magnus untangled himself from his embrace and got up. He didn’t have anything to reply to those two words. They only made him feel loved and unworthy at the same time. He only hoped their love was strong enough to make him see past his self-abhorrence. That Magnus’s faith was strong enough to save him from himself.

“Now get up. Lemme run you a shower first then I’ll cook something.” Magnus got up and remembered that they didn’t even clean themselves afterward and the bedding was ruined. Alec stared dubiously as Magnus walked into the bathroom only in his bright purple t-shirt. “Stop staring at my ass, Alec. And get up.” Magnus yelled before getting into the bathroom leaving the door open knowing very well Alec’s eyes never left him.

“Scratch what I said before. Your ass is what I love about you most.” Alec yelled back laughing and got the same purple t-shirt that Magnus was wearing, thrown at him.

Half an hour later, Magnus was freshly showered and wrapped in his fluffy towel robes. He helped Alec to the bathroom. Alec sat on the toilet seat while Magnus filled the tub. He stretched to look at the mirror and rubbed his hands on his cheeks.

“You want a shave?” Magnus asked arching an eyebrow and following Alec’s hand rubbing on his cheek.

“A trim would do maybe,” Alec said absentmindedly swiping his overgrown hair from his forehead. “Do you like my beard or you like me clean shaved?”

“I love you anyway I can get you, Babe.” Magnus chuckled seeing Alec caring about his appearance for the first time in life, maybe. “But yes, you need a bit of grooming.”

“You can do it.” Alec was still staring at the mirror when Magnus approached him with a roll of cling film. “Aaahh… Hell, no…” Alec protested, “I really need this bandage to go away. It’s been more than 3 weeks. Michael wants to torture me or what?” he groaned.

“Well, Michael may cut you some slack if you listen to him. He said you’d need the bandage for 6 weeks at least. Now do you want a proper bath or should I give you a sponge one?” Magnus held the roll of cling-film in front of Alec. He knew very well by now that Alec hated sponge bath. Alec snatched the roll out of his hand and started to wrap it over the bandage on his leg swearing constantly at Michael.

“Can you at least help me wash my hair? This looks really bad.” Alec swiped his fingers through his hair brushing it backward. In his faded black t-shirt, it gave Alec a wayward band boy look. Magnus tilted his head and watched Alec scratching his chin before coming to his senses that he was lusting over his own boyfriend. Michael had removed the bandage from his head a couple of days ago and replaced it with a big waterproof plaster that covered the side of the temple only. Magnus could give him a quick wash.

128 – The boy who lost

Alec sat on a stool with his back to the sink and Magnus stood beside. He watched carefully as Alec stretched and wore off his t-shirt. He leaned backward resting his shoulder on the edge of the sink and tipping his head back only wearing his faded blue shorts. Magnus could understand the position might get uncomfortable soon but Alec didn’t seem to mind. The hazel eyes were staring at him when he licked his lips gazing at Alec’s stretched neck, his Adam’s apple on full view and moving more frequently, his veins taut and showing. Alec raised a hand to snap his fingers in front of Magnus’s slightly parted lips bringing him back to reality. Alec chuckled lightly seeing Magnus out of his sorts.

“Can we get on with it, please?” Alec asked politely as brown eyes darted down to his lips and back up to his eyes. He was smirking at Magnus for his blatant staring.

“Yes… yes.” Magnus gulped hastily thinking why every time Alec’s natural beauty gets to him. He had never thought about Alec like the way the man had explained his beauty just an hour or so ago but he knew very well how absolutely stunning Alec is. Magnus had never used his words to express it to Alec and tried to show it through his gestures but he was appalled thinking that Alec is the one who can’t use his words even to save his life said such beautiful things about him. And Magnus, who’s known as the most talkative person among his friends, can’t find words to express his love and praise Alec’s beauty.

Another realization hit Magnus when they both were smiling at each other softly, giving each other shy looks. Magnus realized that life would be always happy, funny, interesting even sexy and happening as long as Alec would be let to avoid his past. Without that dark cloud looming above them, Alec is quite a free soul, or maybe a soul trying to be free with Magnus’s help. If only Magnus would accept to forget Alec’s past and never talk about it then probably a life with Alec would be like this, like that moment, where both of them are happy and having a normal morning like two normal people in a relationship. But then also nothing about them was normal.

Magnus picked up Alec’s favorite sandalwood shampoo bottle that he had introduced to him. He set it aside and opened the tap. Using his hands Magnus wetted Alec’s hair methodically. Alec lay there with his eyes closed and sighing deeply.

“What?” Magnus asked.

“What?” Alec opened his eyes to look at Magnus.

“Why sighing so deep?”

“Oh…” Alec moved his eyes away. His one arm snaking at Magnus’s waist holding him close. Even though Magnus was working on his hair, he liked to steal glances at the man, smiling at each other like it’s a common gesture between them and they were not taking a giant leap of faith, “… Nothing”

“Alec… I know when it’s not ‘nothing’. Just say it okay?” Magnus was rubbing Alec’s hair with the shampoo.

“I was thinking.” Alec had his eye closed again.

“About what?” Magnus enquired.

“About how much you know.”

“Know about what?”

“Everything… the story… the giant elephant in the room that I’d give anything to avoid.”

“Alec…”

“But I think it is better, that we talk. Maybe it’ll help both of us… like you always say. And also I have to apologize to you.”

Magnus stopped working his fingers. They were still in Alec’s hair under a quite amount of shampoo foam. He looked at Alec questioningly, “Apologize? For what?”

Alec’s eyes snapped open as he realized Magnus’s fingers immobile in his hair, “About your parents. About what I did to them. And to you.” Their eyes met in an intense gaze.

Swiftly Magnus washed his hands and stood in front of Alec, between his legs which made Alec sit up. Water drops and foam dripping down his ears and jaws. “Listen to me, Alexander… and listen to me very carefully when I say this.” Magnus squared his shoulder to look more serious. Alec stared at him wide-eyed. “And get it inside of your thick skull and understand… I don’t blame you. I never blamed you for what happened to my parents. I always knew… one way or other… call it guts… but I knew it couldn’t be you. I somehow knew that you were either made to do it or you were made to take the fall. I knew you paid for someone else. And at some point, my parents made mistakes too. I’m not saying that they deserved to die but… my mom cheated on my dad… she had an affair… and probably she’d never tell dad if she didn’t get pregnant… my dad trusted people too easily and too much… that’s not good while doing business…”

“Magnus…” Alarmed by the direction of the conversation Alec started but was stopped by a raised palm of Magnus.

“I don’t know what made dad think that he can trust Robert even though he’d had a secret affair with mom. I wish dad was a bit wiser. I wish mom hadn’t done what she did. I wish they were happy with each other. But they weren’t. They were the perfect power couple for the world. But inside the house, they didn’t even talk to each other properly without any reason. Most of the days I’d sit on the dining table alone and wait for them to come and join me until my appetite would just be gone and I’d walk out of the home. People think I had a perfect life with them. In some way I did… I was never in want of anything. They supported me with everything, even with my sexuality. They weren’t exactly proud or happy. But they didn’t hate it either. They were… accepting… understanding.”

Magnus had stopped looking at Alec a while ago. He was staring at the mirror over Alec’s head. But Alec couldn’t stop staring at Magnus. Truly, looks can be deceiving. He remembered how the media had portrayed the Bane family after The Banes’ death, “Perfect family not so perfect anymore”. Magnus was described as “The boy who lost everything in business rivalry”, “The living victim of a car accident or sabotage”. Alec had felt the helplessness chocking him when he had seen the flushed face of the Asian looking boy with brown eyes and unruly hair on the newspaper.

“I was happy with them, yes. But did I miss them after their death? To be honest, no. I missed the life I had. That was my struggle. I wanted that back more than I was devastated about them. With them, I never cared about a family or love. But after they were gone, I realized that I didn’t want the posh life they gave me. I wanted them to love me. I wanted a good night kiss. I wanted a family dinner at home. I wanted to watch Super bowl with dad. I wanted mom to be at the parent-teacher meeting at school. Instead, they gave me everything that money could buy and thought it was enough.”

The melancholy in Magnus’s voice was cutting deep in Alec. “Maybe that’s why when Robert took dad’s company away, I didn’t protest. The company never mattered to me. It was never mine. I knew I was capable enough to make it on my own. And I did it. I achieved back the life I had before. I own one of the most luxurious lofts in the whole of Brooklyn. But I’ve never felt more homely there than I feel here, with you.” Alec’s heart skipped a beat, “That’s why I’d never leave you, Alec. Because you gave me the love I searched for my whole life.”

Magnus finally looked at Alec. His eyes glazed over but he wasn’t about to cry or something. Alec was too stunned to say anything. Magnus placed his hands over Alec’s chin to wipe the dripping foam. “Whatever happened to my parents… I have accepted all of it a long time ago. I was glad when Robert was put away, sure. But I never stopped thinking about you, the boy who died to pay the price for his doing. More than the loss of my parents, I was sad about that boy. And for that, I’m sorry, Alexander. If it wasn’t for my parents, maybe you’d never be forced to face whatever you did.”

129 – Apologies

“Shut up, Magnus…” Alec hissed through his teeth and pushed Magnus’s hands away. He was shaking. He didn’t understand why but he felt something boiling inside him. He felt a nasty feeling when Magnus apologized. How could Magnus apologize? It was wrong… it turned so wrong so easily. “Just… shut up. You’re not helping me here. What the fucking hell are you even apologizing for?” Alec was shaking so much that Magnus had to place his hands on his shoulders.

“Alec… Don’t beat yourself for that anymore, please, at least not about my parents. Their death… it’s not on you.” Magnus softly murmured. He caressed Alec’s cheeks, hoping to calm him down. But yelling Alec was scarier than any other Alec.

“And let you apologize for losing your parents? Are you fucking kidding me here? I get it that your life with them wasn’t exactly as perfect as people said but that doesn’t mean their death was justified or my crime was any less. However, they were… they were your parents… you loved them… no matter what.” Alec was almost screaming at Magnus.

“Then you shouldn’t feel guilty too for what Robert made you do. You were just a kid.” Magnus said sternly.

“I was 15 and I had my choice. I chose to trust him blindly. I chose to not let Max go to his friend’s place that night. I chose to tamper with the car.” Alec’s voice was shaking.

“And if you hadn’t done that Robert would’ve got someone else to do something else. He’d harm Max. You didn’t have a choice. You didn’t know the consequences. It’s not on you, Alec.”

“It is on me. He is my father. I listened to him. I obeyed him and I disobeyed him. It is fucking on me. And what love you’re talking about? What relationship?” Alec had a wild look in his eyes, “I hurt you… all the time… I never gave anything that you deserve… we never had a proper relationship… we were never exactly a couple in love… You moved in to take care of me… For Heaven’s sake, Magnus, I gave you more trouble than you ever deserved. I am one selfish bastard for letting you stay and accept the unconditional love you gave me. What did I give you instead?” Alec shoved Magnus’s hands away when he tried to reach. Thankfully he didn’t get up. “I ran away rather than trying to talk. This… what we have… how can you call it love? I used you, Magnus… don’t you understand that? I fucking am the killer of your parents… why the fuck you love me? Why the hell do you care for me? What have I given you ever?”

Magnus wanted to reach him again. Alec again swatted his hands away. But this time Magnus was determined to reach Alec, hold him. Even though Alec kept tackling his hands, Magnus managed to hold his wrists. He went closer and sat on his lap. Alec fought and twisted to free his hands but Magnus understood how feeble those twists were. Magnus placed Alec’s hands on his chest and held them there. He cocked his head to make Alec look at him.

“Because I forgave you for all the hurt. Because we hurt them who we love the most, Alexander.” Alec gave a snorting laugh at Magnus, “Because I always knew you’re innocent. Because you didn’t kill my parents, no, I never believed that, no matter who says what. Because I know Robert made you do all that. Because you paid a bigger price than I did. Because you were made to lose Max. Because you were made to leave your family, walk away from your responsibilities. Because you deserve love too. You deserve to be loved. Because I understand you. And for what you’ve given me?” Magnus paused for Alec to look at him, “You’ve given me yourself. You’ve given me the man I love. You’ve given me my Alexander. And because… above of all…” Magnus let go of his hands and placed his hands to hold Alec’s face, “I love you.”

“It’s not the answer to my question, Magnus. It’s not love. It’s pity.” Alec half shouted.

“I do not pity you, for Heaven’s sake. Stop thinking like that.” Magnus yelled too and stood up from his lap.

“Then tell me why you love me? Why did you fall for me? When we met in Pandemonium, when you first proposed me, you didn’t know me. You didn’t know who I am. You didn’t know anything about me. Then why did you propose me then? Why did you love me then?” The hazel of his eyes was so powerful that it seemed like they were ablaze.

“I…” Magnus gulped. He didn’t know what to say because he never exactly pondered exactly what about Alec made him fall in love. He just always knew that he loved Alec and he needed Alec. He just knew in his heart that he fell for Alec without any potent reason. It just happened to him. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know…” Alec snorted.

“I never had a reason, Alec. I never needed a reason to fall in love with you. I just knew I love you. And I want you in my life as a part of my life. I just know that I want to share my life with you. I don’t believe it’s called pity. I’m not here with you because I pity you or my feelings for you changed since I got to know you. No, my feelings are still the same as it was all those years ago when I met you in Pandemonium. It’s only gotten stronger than that day. It grew. And not in a way you’re implying. And right now as you’ve so blatantly made me realize that I never had a reason, I don’t know the exact moment I fell in love with you… it makes my belief more potent than ever. It only makes my love stronger, Alexander. Because now I know my love truly is just love. It’s not based on any condition. It’s not caused by any single action. It… just… happened.” Magnus breathed loudly. He was shaking slightly. But he managed to keep his voice under control and not shout and yell at Alec.

Alec looked down as a few tears slipped his eyes. Magnus sat on his lap again and hugged him tightly. It didn’t matter when Alec pushed his face into Magnus’s chest and they both got dirty with shampoo. It only mattered to Magnus that Alec placed his arms around his waist and held him close. He rested his chin on Alec’s head. “And for our relationship… Yes, it didn’t start as a traditional romantic relationship but can you deny that you love me? Because I know you do, Alec. Everything doesn’t have to make sense all the time. It’s okay to have something in an unconventional way. We both don’t have a conventional upbringing. We both didn’t lead a normal life. Why should our relationship be any different huh? I love it how it is. Because I have it with you. I don’t need or want anything else.”

“Magnus… don’t.” Alec was still shaking with rage.

“No, Alec. If it’s the last thing I’ll make you believe then so be it. But I’ll make you believe this.” Magnus said sternly.

“Just… never ever say sorry for losing your parents. It’s wrong. They loved you. You love them. They didn’t deserve what I did to them. Please… just don’t put it on my conscience anymore. Please, Magnus. I won’t be able to listen to you say sorry because I fucking killed them. Just… don’t.”

Alec was practically hissing, screaming and yelling all at the same time. But thankfully Alec was still sitting, in Magnus’s embrace. Otherwise, he’d have to worry about getting the soap everywhere on the floor and Alec slipping on it. Shampoo foam was covering Alec’s broad shoulder and dripping down to his chest and back but they only glared at each other, defying each other, daring each other to say more. Magnus could see the untamed rage in Alec’s eyes that his words brought. Even before everything happened they never had a chance to talk about his parents. And now Magnus knew why Alec never brought up that topic. But Magnus needed to tell someone how he felt about his parents, how untrue all those things were that people said about him and his family. Alec seemed like the only person to understand but maybe Magnus said a bit too much for Alec to accept.

130 – Like paper love

 “If it wasn’t for your parents, I wouldn’t have a chance to escape, Magnus.” Alec murmured after a couple of seconds of silence.

“What?”

“You seem to know a lot about the story.”

“What are you talking about?” Magnus was confused.

“I guess Valentine told you about Hodge?”

 Alec looked at Magnus who just nodded.

“He was there that night. He was there to see if I did what Dad told me to do. If I hadn’t done that, he would’ve. And then he’d do something to Max. I knew it was a mistake. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just followed Dad’s instructions. I didn’t know it was supposed to fail the brake. I just wanted to do the right thing. I was scared for Max when I saw Hodge there. But then what? Max died anyway. And to think it was supposed to be me.”

“Wait… you knew Hodge started the fire?” Magnus couldn’t think straight anymore.

“Why else would he stay there then after your parents left?” Alec shook his head thinking about it, “I knew Dad wanted to kill me. Even if it wasn’t then, he’d find a way to kill me anyway. He hated me for being gay. Running away… making the deal was the last thing I could do for myself… especially after mum begged me.”

“Your mom knew?”

“The night before I left… Dad and I made the deal. He’d tell everyone that I died and I’ll keep my mouth shut forever. I’ll go away from their life and save him from the disgrace of having a gay son. And he’d keep Jace and Izzy safe. He accepted the deal.”

“How does your mom fit into it? She knew what happened?”

“She knew Dad had an affair. She didn’t know who. After the accident she tried to find some links, I think, on her own. But she was too devastated after losing Max. It was too much for everyone. Just like Jace and Izzy, mum was blaming me too. And I knew she was right. I should’ve been a better brother to be able to protect him. After all, the fire was for me. Max was never supposed to be a part of it. But she knew Dad was planning something… something big… for me. It was enough for mum to come into my room at midnight and ask me to leave and never come back. I already had a packed bag under my bed, ready to leave at dawn. I had already made the deal with Dad. I had already made up my mind to leave. Mum, out of love or hatred, only made it easier for me.” Alec closed his eyes and pressed his face in Magnus’s chest more. Magnus sat dumbfounded and shocked cradling Alec.

“I’m sorry, Magnus. I am sorry for everything. I’m really sorry for hurting you. I never meant to hurt anyone. I didn’t know your parents would die, Magnus. I would’ve killed myself if that could’ve saved your parents… if that could’ve saved Max… I’m sorry… please, Magnus… forgive me…” Alec broke into another silent sob. Both of their hands were tightening their grips on each other as if they don’t want to let go.

“Alec… shh… shh… it’s alright… it’s alright, babe… it's okay…”

Magnus held the shaking Alec in his arms. But all he could think about was Alec still didn’t know what happened to Maryse. It bothered him how easy it was for Alec to call Robert as Dad. Robert was anything but their dad. None of the siblings deserve a father like him, a deceiving and cunning bastard. Maryse didn’t deserve a mad man like him as a husband.

“It’s not okay, Magnus. It’s really not okay. I should’ve been there with them when Dad got arrested. I should’ve been there to tell them the truth. But they knew me as dead. They moved on. They carried on with their life. And I couldn’t just take their happiness away again.” Alec murmured.

“You want to meet them? Jace and Izzy,” Magnus asked still holding him close and feeling his body shaking.

“I shouldn’t.” the reply came after a few seconds late.

“What do you want? What does your heart want?”

“I… don’t… know.”

And after that nobody said anything because Magnus knew very well that Alec was dying to meet his family. But he was too stubborn to accept that.

It was news for Magnus that Maryse knew what happened and she tried to do something for Alec in some way. He was sure that Jace and Izzy didn’t know about it either. He hoped when Alec would be ready they’d be able to tell him about Maryse. He felt Alec needed to know it, he deserves to know about his mom. Maybe then he’d understand that Robert wasn’t worthy of being called ‘Dad’ by him anymore.

A parent is supposed to protect their children, look after them, accept their choices and support them. A parent isn’t supposed to plan to how to murder their own child because they have different sexual preference than others. A parent isn’t supposed to use their children’s inability to stand up for themselves or protect themselves or abuse their trust in their parents for their dirty work. Robert didn’t deserve to be Alec’s dad.

“Can I finish it now? I think you’ve had that shampoo for too long.” Magnus spoke gently as Alec calmed down a bit. Alec only nodded and Magnus stood up. Alec winced.

“It hurts right? I sat for too long. I’m sorry. I didn’t notice.” Magnus gave a sad look when Alec started to rub his knee.

“It’s the least bit of pain you can give me, Magnus. It’s nothing. I’m fine.” With that, Alec leaned back again and closed his eyes.

Magnus noticed the flushed cheeks, red ears and nose, the ghastly look and the stains under those eyes. Alec opened his eyes when he felt Magnus wiping his face clean with a wet hand. They stared at each other but didn’t say anything. Magnus finished washing his hair and helped him to the bathtub. Alec sat on the stool again while Magnus helped him to a bath without wetting his bandages.

Magnus helped Alec to wear some t-shirt and loose shorts and put him on the bed before having another quick shower. He stood there thinking whatever Alec told him about his mother. Alec’s reaction when he told him about his parents was something quite unexpected to Magnus. He couldn’t help but think how every conversation with Alec always ended up as a roller coaster ride of emotions. Their happy morning, the love and sweetness they shared didn’t seem like a part of same morning anymore.

Emotionally, Magnus was exhausted. It was one thing to finally be free enough to talk about his parents. But it was completely another thing to talk about it to Alec and endure his reactions. Magnus was worried about how long he’d be able to keep up with Alec’s mood and reactions. And how long before a fight like this become more frequent. And how long before they both are spent more than enough to fight for each other anymore. He had to ask himself if it was their first fight or just the beginning of many more to come in future. The thought scared Magnus. He didn’t want to fight Alec.

When Magnus was out of the shower again he was too tired to cook lunch for them. Alec took the opportunity to call his favorite pizza place. He was literally happy when Magnus didn’t protest to have pizza for lunch. After all, it was a long since Alec got to eat pizza. His ever-changing mood scared Magnus again. Alec just got happy, just like that, by ordering pizza. Magnus shook his head in disbelief that the man was screaming and yelling and mad at him just an hour or so ago.

They were sitting on the sofa and waiting for the delivery. Alec had his legs stretched on the couch and leaned on Magnus who stretched his legs on the center table. He avoided talking again seeing Alec in good mood again. He had his laptop on his lap typing, squinting and frowning, exchanging long emails with Clary and working on the latest designs to finalize for the upcoming wedding of his best friends while Alec played with his phone. The music player was on in the background when all of a sudden Magnus heard the humming and light whistling.

Magnus listened to the lyrics intently because the music was playing on low volume. Probably Alec didn’t realize but he was humming perfectly to a new song from Magnus’s playlist. Magnus vaguely realized it’s his current favorite song. But he instantly recognized it when Alec put it on replay. The faded whistles started the song followed by a woman’s voice.

This time Magnus heard half-clear, garbled lyrics from Alec, “All the noise… hmmm… about you…”

Magnus watched Alec, eyes closed and swaying to the music lightly, “…Bad things when you kiss me oh… hmm… hmmm… sad song, warm occasion… hmm… hmm… stretching out the time…”

Magnus loved this song because the lyrics somehow reminded him of Alec. But more than anything Magnus was stunned to hear Alec humming, singing bits and pieces and whistling here and there. It wasn’t exactly singing but it was something and Magnus loved it, he was mesmerized.

“Come on watch my heart turn to pulp… like paper paper-paper… paper love…” Alec sang the final strain.

How easily Alec’s moods change from raging to humming, will always be a mystery to Magnus.

131 – Baby steps

It’s been a week since that morning. Magnus had been busy at the office. Alec was at the home recovering. Or so they both thought.

Michael stopped going after Alec about Magnus since one night at dinner Alec literally had enough of pestering. He burst and said, “Damn you, Michael. I have had sex with him after a good talk one fine morning and a… well that’s none of your business.” Magnus knew Alec was about to say “a fight” or something similar but internally he thanked Alec for not saying that. Michael was embarrassed anyway. Magnus didn’t want Michael to have a reason to pester at him.

“We are fine, Michael. Seriously… just drop it.” It was enough from Alec to shut up Michael. Though there was a gleam of happiness in Michael’s eyes, Alec talking about their solitary morning together like that, so open and casual made Magnus blush furiously.

After that dinner, Lydia promised Magnus while she was helping him to do the dishes that she’d stop Michael from coming and check on them every night, which much to Magnus’s good fortune had subtly changed to ‘almost every night’ due to Alec’s bluntness. She was genuinely happy to see both of them happy, moving on together. Maybe Lydia was right, maybe it was time for Michael to back off a bit and stow his ‘protective brother’ side for some time and let Magnus take on the role… surely not as a brother, but as a loving, caring and understanding boyfriend.

Magnus was more than happy to sleep wrapped up in Alec’s arms. They both thought it was better to take a break from trying to talk and give each other some time to recover from their last and first fight. They made a habit of it since that morning. Nobody wanted to sleep on their own side of the bed alone anymore.

Alec took the first initiative that same night by scooting closer to Magnus. Next morning Magnus had woke up with Alec staring at him like always and their limbs tangled. The kisses were there; even more, heated ones came quite easily. There were magnificent make outs on the couch while cartoons played on the TV. For some reason which Magnus didn’t understand but Alec loved watching cartoons and laughing like a child. For that careless laugh alone Magnus let Alec watch the cartoon.

Sex though was different. There was teasing each other as well as whenever Magnus was giving Alec a bath. They caught each other many times eying the stool or the spot in front of the mirror where they had the heated conversation. It made both of them feel awkward but they still weren’t ready to talk again. Magnus was more disappointed that the title of their ‘first time together’ didn’t change. It still remained their “solitary sex/first time.” He didn’t wanna come off like the horny or the desperate one even though he could feel the intensity of their sexual tension, always looming over them. He knew he could’ve used something more than steamy make outs on the sofa and spooning every night. And he desperately hoped things would improve soon.

On the other hand, Alec was getting bored out of his mind being holed up in the apartment every day when Magnus left for office. He was in desperate need to do something. Magnus, being the only distraction in his life, Alec really missed him during the day. But he didn’t want to impose himself on Magnus more than he needed to. His pride was poking its nose in between. He didn’t want to take Magnus away from his work, from something he loves and enjoys to do.

Alec was happy when things started to get more normal between them. They could talk about anything and everything except what they needed to talk about. They laughed together at the breakfast and dinner. He got habituated with Magnus’s health-conscious cooking. He’d read aloud sports news or some interesting book while Magnus would be busy in the kitchen. They’d listen to new songs together and enjoy each other’s company or watch movies in free time. They’d kiss, they’d make out and they’d tease and love each other endlessly and enjoy it.

But Alec started missing Magnus when every morning he was subjected to watch him get ready for office. He didn’t want to accept it at first but it started bothering him. It became worse when Magnus took up his suggestion and started wearing his glittery shirts with thankfully less tight jeans and jackets to the office. Otherwise, he’d do anything to keep Magnus locked up at home with him. So Alec only stared and imagined how much he’d love to strip Magnus out of those clothes than watch him put them on.

His possessiveness regarding Magnus and how handsome he is scared him. He constantly told himself that he shouldn’t feel like that for Magnus having a job or for being such handsome; for simply being who he is. After all, Alec himself left all the jobs and wasn’t in a situation to work at the moment.

A constant nagging thought poked at his head that Magnus would be bored with him soon. In the outside world, there will be a lot of people to praise Magnus and help him to get over Alec. There will be people who would give Magnus more than he’s able to give, everything that Magnus deserves, love, attention and all. He knew his insecurity about Magnus being handsome, self-sufficient, independent and smart and all was just simply his insecurity and moot. But he couldn’t stop himself imagining Magnus having a great time at the office, away from Alec, meeting new people who shared his thoughts and ideas. He knew he was just only torturing himself thinking like that because Magnus proved his love to him time and again. There was no reason for him to think that Magnus would leave him by choice. But he also knew the world. He knew how people can be tempted. He didn’t want to doubt Magnus but he knew he wouldn’t be shocked if someday Magnus would move on from him. After all, Magnus is a human too, he has his needs too.

After drowning himself in the guilt of being emotionally incompetent to support Magnus, Alec started making sacrifices, if not torture himself on a different level. He started to find new songs to sing, probably a perfect one for Magnus. He started fiddling with his camera, just to keep his mind busy. Not the one Magnus found in the box. But the one Lydia and Madzie had gifted him on their wedding day as it was also his birthday as well. But still, it wasn’t enough. After a couple of hours, Alec would get bored anyway. So he thought of the ultimate thing. He started to teach himself to walk again.

Michael had told him that it’d come back to him easily once his leg would be completely healed but Alec wasn’t having any of it. He missed his freedom. He wanted to walk again. He wanted to be able to stand and take a proper shower like he used to. He was tired of Magnus helping him all the time. Not because he didn’t like Magnus helping him but because he didn’t like Magnus being at his beck and call all the time. He hated being dependent on Magnus for every little thing being independent all his life. And it didn’t make him feel better that Magnus never complained.

A couple of times he fell badly but didn’t even dare to mention them to Magnus. A few days later he could take a few steps with the crutches. The stinging pain, whenever he put too much pressure on his injured leg, helped him to concentrate on something else than the utter silence of the apartment.

Alec very much needed to get out of the apartment. The empty brain was getting to him. His empty mind was starting to play tricks on him, mostly toying with his new found confidence about Magnus. He wanted to impress Magnus, show him that he can do things on his own. He wanted to take the load off from Magnus of being busy for him all the time. He wanted to keep Magnus all to himself forever. He wanted Magnus to stay with him and be his forever. He wanted Magnus to be proud of him. He wanted to be there for Magnus, strong and supporting. His insecurity was working overtime already.

But that evening when Magnus came home a bit earlier than usual, things turned bad again.

132 – A little bit of cheating

Alec had received a very weird text message from Cat a couple of days ago. He was questioning himself at first if he had ever promised something like that but he remembered he did. Cat was cashing on her favor. But to be honest, Alec was actually happy with the distraction it served him.

He was happy about that evening until just after lunch his try to walk by himself had massively backfired on him. He looked in the mirror checking his face and he knew Magnus would really be mad at him. But he pushed aside his thoughts and sat on the couch with his laptop, revising his research. He sent a text to confirm the time and then he waited. He was using his wheelchair again to avoid any other accidents. He went to change just before the time of the meeting and changed into a full sleeve wine red t-shirt borrowed from Magnus and an oversized khaki three quarter just to look presentable. By the time he was ready, the doorbell rang.

“Thanks for coming in such short notice. Come on in.” Alec smiled brightly opening the door.

“Good to see you too, Alec.” The man smiled and walked after him. “But I wasn’t hoping to see you on a wheelchair.” The smile faltered a bit with a hint of worry.

“Yeah… Sorry about this.” Alec gestured at the couch for the man to sit after placing the big crate he was carrying on the center table. Alec noticed a simple flower bouquet was on it too.

“You can take off the coat if you want. It’s quite hot in here.” Alec smiled apologetically and showed him the stand beside the door. He watched the man shrugging out of his coat and hanging it neatly. Inside he wore a simple blue buttoned-down shirt and jeans.

“Here… this is for you.” The man gave the bouquet to Alec, “You have a nice place here, Alec.” He looked around when Alec went to the kitchen to fetch a vase. But then Alec remembered he doesn’t have more vases. He placed the flowers on the counter and turned to go back. He was stopped by the man leaning on the archway with his arms crossed over his chest with a smirking smile.

“Sorry. Don’t have any spare vase I think. I’ll put them in a jar later.” Alec smiled apologetically.

“I can understand if you don’t have a vase. It looks like a bachelor pad.” the man commented and walked beside Alec to the drawing room again. Alec smiled.

“I’m sorry I called you so suddenly asking you to come here.” Alec looked at the man as he took a seat on the couch.

“Still glad you called me, Alec. It’s been a long time since we met last time… in January right?” the man was smiling with a softened expression.

“Hmm… Right after I left Pandemonium.”

“Yes, you asked for a job to move out of the city and later you said you don’t need anymore. What happened? I thought you found something and left on your own.”

“No. Well… actually, a lot happened. But I didn’t leave, obviously.” The man chuckled at the comment.

“You left the job at Pandemonium though.” The man confirmed and Alec nodded only feeling the man’s gaze on him, flitting up and down, all over him. “You were injured that time. You’re injured now. Seems like I’ve seen you with lot more injuries than I’ve seen you without.” He laughed lightly.

“You got that right. Always the danger magnet, remember?” Alec drawled sarcastically. But inside he was really happy to finally have some company.

“So what did you do this time?” he was chuckling.

“Umm… fell off the stairs.” Alec hesitated.

“Oh. These bruises seem really bad. It was recent?” He came closer to Alec and touched his chin inspecting the newest bruise.

“Yup, just a couple of days ago.” Alec shied away from the touch smiling politely.

“You should ice it, Alec. It’ll smart badly later.” He gave a sweet smile. Alec nodded in return.

“You got everything on the list?” Alec eyed the crate.

“You gave me a nice little challenge here, Alec, long list… short time.” He smiled sweetly again, unlocking the crate, “But yeah, got ’em all.”

“Great, thanks, David. I didn’t expect for all. But you’re excellent as usual.” Alec smiled brightly. He helped David to get the bundles of shredded paper out and looked inside.

“What are all these for anyway? Are you collecting now?” David looked at Alec.

“Umm… No. It’s for a wedding.” Alec checked the bottles and the list.

“Wait… you’re getting married?” David was shocked and kinda… disappointed?

“No. God, no… It’s for a friend.” Alec laughed lightly. “You know I’m not into this marriage and all.”

“Yeah… you always were against of having a relationship, getting serious. Still, think the same?” David moved the crate to the side so that it’s out of Alec’s reach and there’s nothing between them. There was a weird gleam in his eyes that Alec couldn’t just place. Alec looked at him at the movement holding his blue gaze. He didn’t know what to say. David smiled politely.

“Sorry… do you want some coffee or tea? You have to help yourself then, given I’m literally…” Alec looked down at the chair, desperately trying to change the topic. David chuckled again.

“Where do I find wine glasses?” he asked as they went to the kitchen again. Alec pointed at a cabinet. They came back and David brought out two bottles from the crate giving them to Alec.

“Shiraz?” Alec eyed the bottles excitedly, “and Riesling! Are you kidding me? These weren’t on the list.”

“These are especially for you. I know how much you love a good red one.” David smiled cheekily now, “But I brought the Riesling anyway. It’s from Luxembourg. A friend got me a couple. I immediately knew you’d be the best person to share it with.” He opened the bottle and poured some into the glasses.

They enjoyed the wine, sipping slowly, breathing in its scent. Alec remembered how David and he became friends after they had met through Raphael as associates. David always had a passion for good wine and good food. Alec shared the same passion. A lot of street food and wine had brought them really close. Once, David had taken Alec to some wine testing ceremony which turned out to be their first date. It was long before Alec became serious about Magnus. But still, David was a good company, a good friend. Talking to him, about anything and nothing was a great distraction to Alec. He forgot all the drama that was going on in his life while laughing with David, talking about his restaurants and foods and David’s trips to wineries. For some reason, Alec felt light, if not happy. David was easy.

“How are you, Alec?” David asked suddenly with a serious caring tone, reaching out. Alec raised an eyebrow at the hand reaching for his own. They had already finished half a bottle.

“David… let’s not go there.” Alec shook his head understanding the meaning, “I called you for a favor, as a friend.  Please, can we keep it that way?”

David didn’t step back. He held Alec’s hand. And for some reason, Alec didn’t take it back even though he wanted to. “Alec, I know it was a long time ago. But I do care for you. I mean it.”

133 – Magnus, meet David

“I… I know, Dave… but…” Alec sighed, trying not to think where things were leading, “I’m good, really. I’m fine.”

“Alec… you look worse.” David sighed, “Worse than I had seen you in January. You look pale and I can’t help but see you’ve lost a lot of weight. Is everything alright?”

“Everything is fine, Dave.”

“Why are you living alone then? In a condition like this… why aren’t you at your brother’s place?” David looked worried and caring. He stared at Alec intently. He was one of those people who by chance ever got to know about Michael.

“David… I’m…” Alec started talking and shaking his head but David interrupted.

“Don’t tell me you’re fine. I can see you’re not.” David took a deep breath still holding Alec’s hand. “Look, Alec… I know how you feel about relationships and stuff… and that even though we ended it once on a good note… doesn’t mean we can’t try again. Can’t I care for you anymore?” he was looking at him with eyes full of longing and sincerity.

Alec was stunned. He looked at David shocked but probably his face didn’t express it well. So when he tried to take his hand back, David held it tightly, looking straight in his eyes. “Look… I know you called me as a friend. And you are my friend. But since I got your call after so long…” David looked flustered but sincere, “… And I have to say I was surprised at first… but I couldn’t stop thinking… you know… about our past… all the dates we had… the good time… You always made me feel better, Alec, happy even… and I realized that I missed you… a lot…”

Probably this time Alec’s face didn’t betray him. David saw the panic in his eyes, “Look, I haven’t come here planning something or whatever… I’m just saying… an open offer… if you ever think of trying again… if you ever wanna give it a chance… I’ll be happy to have you, Alec… that only if you want… I’m ready to give us another chance. It hurts to see you like this.” David reached out with his right hand to stroke at his cheek softly and his other hand held Alec’s, thumb brushing knuckles softly.

Alec wanted to scream, as loud as possible. His blood was boiling. His skin was crawling. His heart was beating 1000 miles per hour maybe. He felt his face blazing.

Alec was worried about Magnus being implored by the outside world, him being charmed by people, him being tempted and flattered by people. And there he was, inside his own apartment, being halfway proposed by a man who was his ex, from years ago, who he trusted to respect their mutual decision to break up and stay friends.

Alec wanted to slap himself, if not strangle to death.

All the insecurity about Magnus and there he was sitting hand in hand with a man who just proposed him for another chance.

All the fear of losing Magnus and Magnus leaving him and he was the one who ended up cheating on Magnus.

Alec just simply wanted to go somewhere and die.

He couldn’t believe he walked right into the trap and didn’t even see it. He never felt such stupid and idiot and useless jerk of himself. The thought of Magnus scared the hell out of him. What had he done to Magnus?

As if Magnus had heard his silent panic or his cheating, the front door creaked. Alec jumped slightly at the sound of key turning into the lock. He finally snatched his hand out of David’s hurrying to the door. Magnus was dropping his bag on the side table. Alec was so panicked that he didn’t realize Magnus was about to smile at him and say ‘hi’ like every evening when he came home. He just grabbed Magnus’s hands and pulled him closer making him bent down. Without missing a beat Alec pressed his lips on Magnus’s.

Magnus was surprised at the welcome he received. Alec never acted that way. He noticed that the kiss was rough… intense, like Alec wanted to prove something. Alec was grabbing at him and not breathing. Magnus pulled back slowly when he tasted Alec’s unnaturally sweet tongue which weirdly tasted like grapes.

“Hey, handsome. Happy to see you too.” Magnus knelt smiling in front of Alec so he could see his face better. “You look flushed, babe. Are you well?” He softly stroked at his cheek with his thumb and forefinger with a worried look. Alec welcomed the touch happily trying to forget that just a few minutes ago someone else had touched him at the same spot.

“What is this?” Magnus frowned, stroking his thumb on the newly formed bruise at Alec’s jaw. He had forgotten about that. He winced slightly at the touch which didn’t go unnoticed by Magnus. “Babe, what… Why does it look like a bruise?”

Alec didn’t say anything. He was hiding his eyes; a gesture Magnus knew really well. “What have you done, Alexander?” Magnus’s voice came out little stronger.

Alec didn’t give a chance but just requested, “Kiss me, Magnus. Please.”

Magnus looked at him worried. He wasn’t sure where it was coming from but he kissed Alec, remembering his promise. He wondered if it’s for the same reason.

Magnus broke the kiss again at the sound of someone coughing in the distant. He looked behind Alec. Within a couple of seconds that he took to recognize the person, he froze in shock.

“So this is your boyfriend? He’s the reason you don’t want relationships, huh?” David drawled leaning on the wall with his arms crossed on his chest and a very smug look. Alec went paler than before.

Alec turned to face David, ignoring Magnus’s looks. “Yes, David. Meet my boyfriend and the love of my life, Magnus.” He was sterner than intended. Both David and Magnus were surprised at his declaration. Magnus rested a hand on Alec’s shoulder which Alec patted lovingly.

134 – Busted

“Magnus, this is my friend David O’Connell. He’s a restaurateur from Washington. He’s got a few here as well.” Alec pressed on the word ‘Friend’ which caught both the other men’s attention. Magnus politely raised his hand to shake which David took gingerly.

“Nice to meet you, Magnus,” David smiled, “Can’t say that I’ve heard about you.”

“Nice to meet you too, David. Can’t say I’ll fail to recognize you ever,” Magnus was salty. Alec and David frowned at him. “You were Raphael’s associate, right?” Magnus said knowingly. Alec went rigid.

“You know Raphael?” David wasn’t fazed yet.

“He’s my best friend. I’ve seen you in Pandemonium a lot. You used to flirt with Alec a lot.” Magnus kept his calm but was screaming at Alec inside his head wanting to know why this man was in their house.

“And if my memory serves well, you were one of his many admirers too right?” Alec gaped at David feeling like maybe it was too late to die when Magnus took his hand away from his shoulder. “It was in past anyway… A long time ago. So don’t worry about it.” David said lightly. Magnus shot Alec a look.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to Alec, in private,” Magnus said icily.

David shrugged and walked past Magnus to the front door, “No need. I think I’ve already overstayed my welcome. I shall leave now. Don’t wanna disturb your evening anymore. Bye, Alec. It was nice to see you again. Good luck with your life. And my best wishes to you both.” He grabbed his coat and nodded at Magnus before stepping out. Magnus closed the door behind him and faced Alec.

“He was the same man you met at the café near my loft back in January right? You two were sitting on a window side table, hand in hand, laughing together.” Magnus spoke coldly, didn’t even give Alec a chance to gather his thoughts.

“How… how do you know that? How do you know him?” Alec stuttered.

“So he is the same man.” Magnus didn’t wait for Alec’s answer and stride inside.

“Magnus… just listen to me please.” Alec wheeled after him.

“You used to date him, right? He is your ex.” Magnus asked suddenly.

“Wait… how do you…” Alec was shocked before he realized. “Raphael?” he remembered that Raphael knew about the dating.

“I saw you with David in that café when I was practically running through the city to find out that you haven’t left the city for me… I saw you laughing… him holding your hand… I was coming back from the Archery range finding that you resigned from there. Later when I talked to Raph, he told me it was David, your ex-boyfriend.” Alec stared at Magnus. “You never laughed with me like that, Alec… you were never free with me like you were with him that day. Not that we were any close back then or it matters anymore.” The betrayal was clear in Magnus’s eyes. Alec had a nasty feeling inside, the self-hatred making comeback in full form. “Why was he here, Alec?” Alec winced at the tone.

“He came to deliver something I had asked him to bring for me.” He said honestly.

“What is so important that needed to be delivered at our home by your ex?” Alec realized that the icy tone was just the beginning of a huge storm.

“It’s not about him being my ex, Magnus. He’s… was… a good friend. Cat had asked me to make a wine arrangement for the wedding that I had promised her. David was the only man who could get me everything in such short notice. That’s all. You can check the crate. It’s still on the table.” He said meekly.

Alec was sad. He knew he had blown it up with Magnus, royally, drastically. He wasn’t even surprised that Magnus knew about the dating or had seen them together when Alec actually wanted to leave the city. But he couldn’t stop feeling the guilt gnawing at his heart at Magnus’s crestfallen expression.

“Has he done something, Alec?” Alec gave a confused look to Magnus. “Has he done something to you? You said ‘was’; he ‘was’ your good friend. What changed? What did he mean by I’m the reason you don’t want relationships?” Magnus was silently yelling at him, cold and scary.

Alec was speechless but Magnus wasn’t. “Was he hitting on you? Did he propose? He wants to try again or something?” Magnus was slowly losing his calm.

Alec gaped at Magnus. That’s all he could do. And hope that Magnus wouldn’t leave him. All his insecurities and nightmares started to become true, but for all the wrong reasons.

“He did, huh!” Magnus drawled before walking into the bedroom, shutting the door loudly behind him, leaving a bereft Alec out in the drawing room.

Alec wanted to cry. For the millionth time in his life, he felt like he’s lost everything all over again. Every time he tried to be happy, built something out of his stupid fucking life, something came and ruined it for him. He’s cried a lot in his life, but never for himself. Magnus’s coldness was the last thing Alec wanted to bear. He gazed the box David left and the bottles with a blank look. He had half a mind to destroy everything but didn’t do it thinking of Cat. He didn’t notice when the door opened again. Suddenly Magnus stood in front of him with a murderous look.

“Did he hurt you?” Magnus asked. Alec gave him a confused look unable to understand. “The bruises… on your face… Did he hurt you when you turned him down for me? I swear I’m going to murder him if he’s touched you.” Magnus was flaring with anger.

“No…” Alec drew blank except why Magnus was so reasonable and understanding and considerate? “No… he didn’t do it.”

“Then how, Alexander Wayland, do you explain sudden bruises forming on your jaw and chin?” Magnus stood with arms crossed over his chest, hands fisted.

Alec understood Magnus felt betrayed about David but he was actually angry with him about the bruises. More than a disgusting, cheating boyfriend, Magnus was mad about some stupid bruises. Alec blinked before answering. “I was trying to walk with the crutches. But fell on my face. Got hit.” Alec finished and saw Magnus stride off to the bedroom again without a word, followed by a loud grunt of anger and a few things break. Alec was shocked.

135 – Sucker for pain

4 days.

96 hours.

5760 minutes.

An approximate summary of Alec’s pain.

Alec endured being unable to see Magnus. He hadn’t spoken a single word to him or spared him a look. Silent treatment at its best was what’s happening. Still, it was better than Magnus walking out on him. Alec was relieved to think that. Magnus needed time, he knew that. For what exactly, he didn’t know that.

That night, after Magnus had locked himself inside the bedroom, Alec tried to talk to him through the door. But after a couple of things crashed on the other side of the door drowning his voice, Alec gave up. He was worried for Magnus because Magnus was the calm one in their relationship. Magnus was the one who tried to understand the situation and act like an adult. Throwing and crashing and breaking things and sulking inside a closed room was more like Alec’s trait. He had never seen Magnus losing it like that. And that’s how he knew he’d hurt Magnus too much. He just hoped that it wasn’t too much to lose Magnus forever.

Alec was really worried to think what Magnus was doing inside. He waited for Magnus to come out but when he didn’t, Alec made his way to the drawing room and picked up the crate. He took it to the kitchen and put the wine bottles aside. He took the half-finished bottle of Riesling and eyed the bottle of Shiraz. He put them to the island and opened the bottle of Shiraz too, the whole time keeping his eye on the knife stand.

Alec shook his head, mentally slapping himself for thinking like that. If it was some other time or someone else, Alec probably wouldn’t think twice before grabbing a knife and just finish it but it was Magnus. Alec knew he couldn’t leave Magnus.

Magnus did a lot for him, went through a lot for him. He endured all of his mood swings and weird behaviors. He endured Alec going from bat-shit-crazy on him to confessing his love while dying in his arms. Alec put him through hell and over and Magnus never voiced one negative thing. Magnus stayed like a constant in his life, his sun. Magnus gave him unflinching, undying, unconditional love. He loved him like nobody ever did. He saved him and showed him how much he’s loved too. In return, he neither asked anything from Alec nor complained about Alec’s inability to give something back, not even a proper love or an honest relationship.

Alec needed to stay there and be strong for Magnus, stand up for both of them. As much as Alec couldn’t live without Magnus, he knew how much Magnus needed his love. And so for the first time in his life, Alec stopped from taking the knife. He knew whatever it’d take; he’d fight for Magnus, for his love and for his forgiveness. Unlike everything else in his life, he would not give up on Magnus.

The next morning when Magnus tried to come out of the room, fully dressed and ready to go to the office, he opened the door to meet Alec lying on the floor.

In a flash of a moment, he was down on his knees hugging Alec close, mentally cursing himself for forgetting about Alec’s suicidal tendencies. He was so much wrapped up in his thoughts the night before that he didn’t even let Alec get into the room or sleep. He thought he’d lost Alec already, that it was too late.

And it was just a second later the pungent sweet smell from Alec’s breath hit Magnus. Alec was breathing all well but was fully unconscious. He reeked of alcohol, Magnus realized. The smell was so unfamiliar on Alec that it took Magnus some time to understand the two bottles beside the door was wine bottles and completely empty, drained to the last drop. It was the first time ever Magnus saw Alec as drunk.

Magnus wanted to be irritated, mad or angry even but ultimately he was relieved to see Alec breathing. He was happy to see that Alec didn’t give up. Sometime during the night, Alec had gone to sit on the floor with the bottles, his legs awkwardly stretched in front of him, his back on the door. He was so unconscious that he didn’t even grunt when Magnus carried him to the bed. He tucked Alec in and placed a soft kiss on Alec’s temple earning a soft moan. Then he left the apartment with his phone in his hand frantically searching a number to call.

“Magnus… hey, do you mind if I take an extra hour during lunch?” Clary poked her head inside Magnus’s cabin. Magnus looked up to see the redhead with a measuring tape in her hands. He motioned her to come in.

“Hey, you. Why do you need an extra hour?” Magnus asked leaving his laptop to look at Clary.

“Umm… Jace and I were supposed to go for a quick lunch. Izzy found out and now Simon and she will tag along.” Clary sighed.

“Oh…” Magnus suddenly found himself thinking hard, “Umm… will they be coming here to pick you or you’ll be meeting them at the restaurant?”

“They’ll be here.” Clary replied with a questioning look because Magnus never asks for so much of details. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah… sure… umm…” Magnus hesitated, “Do you mind if I tag along too?”

Clary raised an eyebrow, “Umm, sure. I’m sure it’ll be okay. Any special reason?”

“I need to talk to Jace a bit. About Alec. And if possible I need to talk to Izzy about the wedding preps too.” Magnus smiled politely, “Hope it won’t be too much.”

“No, no… it’ll be fine. We’ll be leaving in 5 then?”

“Yeah sure. I’ll just finish a phone call and meet you outside.” Magnus hurriedly picked up his iPhone again. Clary nodded and left.

Magnus dialed the call button and tapped his fingers on the seam of the table waiting for the call to connect. “Rag… Jesus… Where the fuck are you when I need you?” he muttered under his breath but the call went to voice message. He grunted impatiently listening through the instruction in Ragnor’s monotone waiting for the beep. “Rag… brother mine… dinner at my umm… Alec’s place… Friday evening… Cat’s order is here… I’ll meet you there… we need to talk… bye.” Magnus cut the call and looked at his phone to see that he was already late for lunch. He rushed out of his office grabbing the coat but forgetting the phone on the table. He never knew when Alec called him.

136 – Brother from another mother: Jace

“I’m sorry guys, I tagged along without invitation.” Magnus smiled apologetically at Jace and Izzy after all the pleasantries were exchanged. “I hope you guys won’t mind.”

“Not at all, Magnus, I’m glad you came.” Jace clapped his shoulder with a hesitant smile. Magnus knew immediately what Jace was holding back on his tongue.

“He is recovering well, Jace.” Magnus smiled reassuringly. “But I’m afraid he’s still not happy with the idea of meeting. I think he’ll come around soon. I know he wants to meet you both but he’s too stubborn to accept it just like that.” He informed.

“It’s okay, Magnus. We didn’t expect things to change overnight. We understand.” Izzy smiled at Jace first ruefully and then together they smiled politely at Magnus.

“We can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for him. We owe a lot to you and Michael. Without you two… we don’t know if we’d ever been able to meet Alec again, let alone have him back in our life.” Izzy continued softly.

“Hey, we are family, right? Alec’s siblings mean you guys are my family too. At least I consider so. Don’t make me a stranger now by saying these. A family doesn’t owe to each other.” Magnus got emotional.

“So are we gonna go for lunch or what? I’m hungry.” Simon chimed before Izzy and Jace could recover from Magnus’s comment. Everybody laughed except Jace. All knew he did that to lighten the mood. Magnus vaguely thought that Alec probably would react to Simon same like Jace.

“Clary said you wanted to talk about Alec. Is everything alright?” Jace whispered to Magnus after they settled in their places. Clary, Izzy and Simon were chatting animatedly fussing over what to order. Jace took the opportunity to talk to Magnus. They shuffled closer knowing very well Clary knew both their choices and would order for them.

“Umm… actually, I recently found something I wanted to ask you about.” Magnus hesitated.

“Sure, what is it?” Jace was ready to help. Anything for Alec, he thought.

“Okay so, Alec recently told me that the night before he left home, Maryse asked him to leave and never come back. He isn’t still sure if she said it out of love or hatred. I was hoping if you or Izzy know something about it if Maryse ever mentioned anything later.” Magnus spoke fast before Jace could interrupt.

“Wait… Alec said that mom asked him to leave that night?” Jace was confused.

“Yes. But he had already made the deal with Robert so he didn’t pay much attention to her. He was about to leave the next morning anyway. He thought she asked him to leave because she hated him for Max.”

“What do you mean?” Jace was trying to think, “Wait… Do you think mom knew something and she asked him to leave to save him?”

“Alec hinted something like that. As in, she probably knew about Robert’s affair. But she didn’t know more. And you all were devastated about Max. She was mourning. Alec still thinks she asked him to leave because she hated him… because of how she blamed him. But I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” Jace was frowning deeply.

“Why then a grieving mother would go to her son who she blamed for everything in the middle of the night out of everybody’s sight to ask him to leave and never come back? If she hated him so much, why didn’t she say that in front of all of you? That way Robert wouldn’t even have to make a deal with Alec. Alec would have nothing to bargain with Robert.” Magnus cocked his head.

“You think mom knew more than she let on.” Jace was deep in his thought, his eyes glinted, eyebrows furrowed, jaws clenching, “Makes sense.”

“It does?” Magnus was surprised given he didn’t know what to expect exactly. “She ever mentioned anything?”

“I don’t think so,” Jace was still frowning. “After Alec left, mom was like she lost her reason to live. We thought it was for Max. But maybe it wasn’t exactly just for Max. She stopped talking to us. She wouldn’t eat. She locked herself in Max’s room. We thought she took a hard blow; that she’ll recover. She’d sometimes mumble something about Alec when Izzy or I tried to make her eat. But we didn’t listen. Then Alec’s news came and she was just lost. She went on blaming herself for everything. That was the first time since the accident we heard Alec’s name out loud. She screamed that she could’ve saved Alec. She blamed herself for Alec, his death. She wouldn’t just stop. That’s when Robert sent her to an asylum. I personally thought she was a mother grieving her first and last born, her boys. She loved them the most. But now considering your doubt… maybe you’re right, Magnus. I mean, it’ll fit then…” Jace perked up slightly from his constant rambling which somehow made sense to Magnus too, slowly.

“Robert was always angry about Alec, even before the accident. Alec lived in constant fear of Robert. He’d always just do anything he’d ask, always trying to impress him. But now it all makes sense. Alec could never impress Robert because if one thing he didn’t change about himself even for him, was his choices, who he was. Alec never understood that. And mom grieving about Alec made Robert just madder. So he sent mom away, simply got rid of her. It’s actually a miracle that he never tried to touch Izzy or me; that he kept the deal. If Alec made the mistake of not including someone in the deal, that was Mom. She received his whole wrath.”

“I’ve been wondering the same. Why Robert kept the deal?” Magnus whispered back, “I mean Alec was gone, probably as good as dead on his own like that. Then why he kept the deal, for all the years. Why only hurt Maryse.”

“Maybe because Izzy was always his favorite… Daddy’s little princess she was.” Jace snorted.

“And you? Why protect you?” Magnus countered.

“I think there were two reasons for that. One, Michael… he promised Alec he’d come for me when it’s time. Even though Michael never exactly came back to me, I wonder after finding Alec, he went straight to Robert. Robert knew Michael was watching over me. And two, I was the only son, alike, left to be his heir. I wasn’t his blood but he was for some reason proud of me. That’s why he was easily ready to let me have the name ‘Lightwood’ legally. I remember Alec used to tell me when we were younger that when we’d be old enough to inherit the business, Alec would leave everything to me and live his dream because, among us, I was the smart enough to run a business, like Robert. I used to think he said it to make me feel better, make me feel as one of them. I guess it wasn’t that all. Robert saw the same too…”

“Your potential to become the heir of Lightwoods…” Magnus finished Jace’s sentence, “With Max dead and Alec gone… and Izzy, a girl…” he made speculation and Jace smiled mischievously proving he was right, “…You are the only son he had and he needed to have that.” Only a bastard like Robert would make a mistake of thinking women are incompetent as authority. Magnus was sure that Izzy would be nothing less to run a business. She was a successful businesswoman being an event planner, all on her own. When it required, Izzy joined forces with Jace to bring Robert down. And then there was Clary, without whom Magnus knew he’d never be able to be successful with BANE.

“Maryse, is there anything about her to indicate there’s a chance for salvation? Do you guys visit?” Magnus asked slowly hoping the question didn’t sound wrong.

“You mean if she will ever recover?” Jace hunched on the table. The trio of friends took their time to order so the food hadn’t arrived yet. Magnus nodded in confirmation. “Honestly, I don’t know. They say she’s stable which means she still doesn’t recognize us or remember us. I don’t know if she ever will. They say her situation can neither improve nor deteriorate. So that’s that.” Jace paused, “As for visit… I can’t stand to see her like that. I only go there when Iz drag me. She visits her once a month. Just to come home disappointed, sad and we’d cry the whole night together. That’s comforting sometimes.”

“One more thing, Alec’s dream… you know what was it?” Magnus had to ask it since Jace mentioned.

Jace chuckled, “We never got time to discuss all that, Magnus. Alec was a reserve, shy kind of boy. With his passion for archery and singing, I thought it’d be one of them. But now, I don’t know anymore. How I wish we had time, together.”

Magnus could hear the sarcasm in his voice, laced with pain. He hunched with Jace imagining the siblings crying together; then to a pale-skinned woman with long black hair like Izzy and eyes like Alec in a hospital room staring out of the window, muttering Alec’s name and utter blankness in her eyes.

137 – Brother from another mother: Ragnor

Alec was pretty much sure that Magnus would never ever talk to him when all his calls went unanswered.

Alec woke up in their bed and didn’t remember how he got there. A headache was enough to tell him what he had done the night before. Then the dread set that Magnus was gone. So he didn’t bother before ripping off his bandages. The rawness of the wound was still visible. Alec didn’t care and limped into the shower. He needed a cold shower. He didn’t remember how long he stayed inside. He was just sitting in the tub as cold water poured over him thinking about Magnus. After he came out with prune fingers and white skin, he tried to call Magnus hoping to catch him during lunch. He never got to reach Magnus. Helpless, Alec didn’t bother to leave a voice message. The worry was killing him.

That night Alec tried to stay awake for Magnus to come home but never made it. Next morning he woke up around 7:30 and Magnus was already gone. Alec didn’t doubt anymore that Magnus was blocking him any way possible. And that only fed his thoughts that he really had cheated on Magnus and hurt him beyond the limit. That he’s finally crossed the arbitrary line of Magnus’s patience. Otherwise, he couldn’t come up with a reason why Magnus was avoiding him like that. Why he wouldn’t just give Alec a chance to talk when he was the one going on and on about making Alec talk?

It was like when Alec had come home from the hospital and refused to talk to Magnus. But at least he was receptive to Magnus. At least they saw each other; they still cared for each other then. But in this situation, a moment without Magnus was suffocating Alec, pushing him to the edge. Alec desperately needed Magnus to get him back from that. He desperately needed to see Magnus; he needed Magnus at home, with him. Even if Magnus wouldn’t talk to him, Alec needed to see him. Alec needed to see those eyes and know that there’s still chance for him; that he hadn’t lost everything. But being unable to see Magnus was like living a life sentence. Their home seemed like a prison to Alec. Only if he could he would run away from home to Magnus and beg for forgiveness till his last breath if needed. Alec wasn’t ready to lose Magnus, not yet.

4 days and Alec hadn’t seen Magnus for a moment or heard his voice. Magnus would come home long after Alec would fall asleep and would leave early morning. The only evidence of it was breakfast in the oven for Alec to warm up and eat later. Alec tried and tried but failed to get a glimpse of Magnus. He hoped Magnus came home to sleep at least. But the undisturbed bed on Magnus’s side only served at Alec’s dread. Then he realized Magnus was so disgusted with him that he was sleeping on the couch.

That evening Alec had no hope to see Magnus for obvious reasons. He was getting agitated. He couldn’t think what to do, how to reach Magnus. He pondered if he should call Cat and just get done with it. But he wasn’t ready to face Cat without Magnus. He wasn’t ready to face the questions he himself had no answer. Cat didn’t try to contact him either. So he thought Magnus hadn’t informed her yet. If Alec was worried about Magnus, the crate in the kitchen was actually raising his blood pressure. He needed to get rid of that, soon.

Alec was shocked when Magnus, as elegant as ever, dressed in a slim-fit burgundy shirt with black jeans, walked into the apartment with his bag and a big packet of takeaway containers with him. Magnus didn’t spare him a look or said a word but walked to the kitchen. Alec wanted to follow him but chose to not provoke Magnus without gauging the atmosphere. So he waited, for Magnus to say something, anything. Instead, he was just left in the drawing room again as Magnus gone inside the bedroom and closed the door, thankfully without banging it. Alec was left stunned again.

Alec didn’t need to wait too long to see what’s going on when two guests showed up at their apartment. Magnus was eerily perky changed into his flashy clothes as he went to welcome them at the door and pretended like either Alec didn’t exist or last 4 days didn’t. Alec was beyond stunned to even know how to act.

“Where were you? I’ve been calling you all day that day.” Magnus somehow managed to give Cat a smile before dragging Rag to the balcony. Cat and Alec shared a look. They both didn’t understand what it was about but they both let them be and settled on the couch before Alec realized he could use the opportunity.

“Mags… breathe… I got the notifications and the messages. I was in court. I was about to call you later. What’s up?” Ragnor was annoyed being dragged away as soon as he stepped inside the apartment. He didn’t even get a chance to say hi or excuse to Alec and Cat.

“I need to talk to you. I’ve been dying to talk to you.” Magnus was fidgeting.

“You’ve got me here. What happened, Mags? You sound like you’re freaking out.”

“I am freaking out actually.” Magnus dared to steal a glance at Ragnor.

“What happened?” Ragnor asked polite but impatient.

“Alec happened.”

“Well no shit, Sherlock. I knew that already. Tell me more.”

Magnus grunted. Ragnor rolled his eyes. “He got drunk the night before I called to invite you. I left him home alone unconscious the next morning. I haven’t spoken a word to him in 4 days. I locked him out of the bedroom that night. He slept on the floor beside the door. I’m a heinous boyfriend.” He didn’t even breathe.

Ragnor sounded calm. “What did he do to receive the infamous Magnus Bane’s special cold treatment?” he brought out a cigarette and lit it up offering to Magnus.

“Umm…” Magnus took a quick drag before giving it back, “His ex-boyfriend showed up that evening here. That son of a bitch hit on Alec proposing God knows exactly what. I don’t know what’d happen if I hadn’t reached home at that moment. Alec looked mortified though.” He coughed a bit and his eyes went inside the room. He saw Alec taking Cat to the kitchen.

“One, why was the ex-boyfriend here? Two, why didn’t Alec tell him that he’s already in a relationship? Three, you didn’t talk to him, right? You just froze him out? Four, why was Alec mortified? Five, is that have anything to do with your mom’s… thing?” Ragnor inquired each question between short drags. Magnus knew quite well what exactly Ragnor meant.

“One - that man had come to deliver Cat’s special demand from Alec, the wine. He is actually a wine dealer.” Magnus looked at Ragnor first; then out to the skyline.

“Two - Alec didn’t tell him because they met after a long time. Probably Alec didn’t feel any reason to tell him about his current relationship status until I entered. He though introduced me as and I quote, “boyfriend and the love of my life”. Three - yes I froze him out. I didn’t know how to talk to him or what. Alec tried to talk through the door. I may have thrown a couple of things on the door to stop him. Four - I don’t know why he was shocked. I haven’t talked to him. Duh!” Magnus made a stupid face poking his tongue out to Ragnor.

“Five - why are you so fucking right Rag?” Magnus shook his head taking the last bit of the cigarette and finishing it off. “Yes, it has everything to do with mom’s cheating on dad. I can’t help but feel like been cheated a bit. I know very well Alec wouldn’t cheat on me. I know he didn’t mean this to happen. Probably that’s why he was mortified. You know the memories it brought back. I just… lost my sight for a moment. I need to talk to him right?” Magnus spoke in a single breath completing his rant with a loud and long inhale. “I can’t act like this anymore. I can’t let my past get to us when we already have his baggage to deal with.”

“There’s your answer. And Mags…” Ragnor rubbed Magnus’s upper arm, “…Alec is neither like your mom nor like his dad. If you love him, do trust him a bit. You’ll never know what happened between them until and unless you talk to Alec. And speculating about the whole thing, freezing him out… you’re better than that, Bud. Give him a chance to explain himself. Listen to his songs if you really feel that mad. I know they calm you down.” Ragnor explained and continued after a short pause, “And about your memories… Don’t dismiss them because you both already have his past to deal with. Your past is a part of you, Bud, it’s also valid. It makes you who you are. Tell him that. Share your story. Only then he’ll understand you.”

Magnus sighed, rubbing his temple, “Hmm… Thanks, brother mine, I needed this.”

“Anytime, buddy.” Ragnor chuckled, “Now can we get inside, please?”

Magnus gave a tight smile.

138 – Catarina and Alec

“Okay, so I have a few of choices for you,” Alec took Cat to the kitchen when they saw the two men busy over a cigarette and have no intention to come back soon. He was a bit taken aback seeing Magnus smoking. He didn’t know this.

“I’m excited, Alec. I didn’t know you could do all this so fast. I didn’t expect all these.” Cat eyed the display on the counter.

Alec had taken 5 minutes before taking Cat into the kitchen. He emptied the crate and lined up the bottles on the counter each with a glass. He made a show out of it wanting to make it a good memory for Cat.  “It’s okay, Cat. I had a friend helping me. He’s got me a bottle of each so you can have a bit of tasting. I didn’t know what you’ll like best.” He tried not to think about how much the effort cost him and cleared his voice.

“This must’ve cost a lot, Alec. Oh my God. What have you done?” She squeaked as she took a bottle to inspect.

“It’s cool, Catarina. I actually wanted to restock mine. I know Magnus loves a good drink. Maybe I can change his habit a bit toward something less injurious to health from Whiskey and vodka.” Alec lied through his teeth about restocking. But it worked. Cat laughed silently throwing her head back.

“Good luck with changing his taste from dirty martini to wine. As if that’s ever gonna happen. You know Raph tried a lot just to fail.” Cat was giggling, excited as they were finally doing it.

“Okay, first up, Nino Franco Rustico Prosecco Superiore.” Alec handed over a glass of sparkling wine, speaking in a light accent. “Now Magnus told me none of you are having any separate bachelor parties or rehearsal dinner. Just simple get together the night before with close friends and family right?”

“Yes,” Excitedly Cat took the glass from Alec and took a hasty sip. “Okay, wow… this is… great…”

“If you want you can have it for the get-together dinner.” Alec smiled seeing Cat so happy. She nodded. “But I have another option too.” He handed her a glass of rosé.

“What’s this?” Cat asked humming seductively at the taste.

“2016 Barnard Griffin Rosé of Sangiovese. In case Ragnor wants to have his favorite Lobster dishes.” Alec and Cat smiled knowingly how much Ragnor loves seafood.

“So up next, 2013 Antech Blanquette de Limoux Réserve Brut.” Alec took another glass of sparkling wine and gave to Cat, “It’s kinda fruity and vintage French bubbles.” He smiled as Cat took a sip after looking at the bubbles giddy, “It’ll be good to pair with starters, like mini quiches or skewers.”

“Gotcha,” Cat was busy downing them than listening to Alec.

“Okay, enough. Don’t wanna get you tipsy now. Next one…” Alec paused to take the glass and handed her a glass of white wine. “…Is 2015 Frog’s Leap Sauvignon Blanc for the main course, will go well with fish.”

“But I don’t like fish. I like meat.” Cat pouted. Alec understood.

“Next option for you then. A 2014 Amado Sur Malbec Blend. Pair it with Lamb or filet mignon.”

“Okay, sounds good,” She took the glass of red. Alec watched her taking a sip and lighting up like Christmas. “I think I can taste chocolate in it.” She looked at the glass worried as if something is wrong with the wine.

“It has a hint of dark chocolate in it. That’s why I thought you’ll like it.” Alec smirked that Cat loved his selection. “And for final choice… A 2015 Domaine le Garrigon Côtes du Rhône. Pairs well with barbecue, braise meat and all.”

She took a sip of the red and hummed again. “You’ve got me lost, Alec. I don’t know what to choose. This is too much.”

“Well do you wanna take these to home and choose maybe?” He hoped for a yes.

“Nope. Not at all.” She shook her head. “How about you choose and I’ll arrange the menu accordingly? I love the flavors. These are really perfect for Rags and me. But I really can’t decide Alec. I thought I’ll be choosing just the ‘Mr. and Mrs.’ one. I wasn’t expecting all these. You are the expert. You do it.”

“Okay. I’ll send you the final list by tomorrow then? Will that be okay?”

“Absolutely fine, it’ll be great. I’ll check with the caterer. You send me the details of the wines okay, with the pairings?”

“Sure. Anything else we forgetting?” Alec corked the bottles to put them in the fridge.

“The “Mr. and Mrs.” one… We didn’t taste that.” Cat helped to stow the bottles.

“Oh, that’ll be a gift from me. Don’t worry about that.” Alec smiled wondering if he’ll still be with Magnus to attend the wedding with him.

“Oh… you’re an angel, Alec. You’re so sweet. Thanks. Magnus is so lucky to have you.” She bent down to fling her arms around Alec. 

“I think it’s the other way around, Cat. I am very much lucky to have him in my life. I am the lucky one to have Magnus.” Alec awkwardly patted her back.

“And that makes me sure that you two are made for each other. I’m happy that you two are working it out together.” Cat left a little peck on his cheek.

“I am glad too, Cat. I don’t know what I’d do without him. Although I still believe he’s done most of the fighting for me.” Alec said. Only Alec knew how light he felt talking to Cat as a friend even though he couldn’t stop thinking about Magnus. He knew he was right to seek Cat’s and Ragnor’s acceptance as Magnus’s boyfriend. But a lot happened after that. And so he wasn’t much happy that Cat and Ragnor didn’t change their view about him yet. Magnus hadn’t told them about their recent development yet. Alec was sure Ragnor and Cat would have a change of heart and decision one they know.

“Can I at least know what you’ve chosen for our signature wine?” Cat asked batting her eyelashes, an ultimate effort to make Alec talk.

Alec laughed lightly at how easy it was between them. She’s a woman of eclectic taste. Back in the club, it was just easy going friendship but this one felt much better and dreadful, “A 2012 Bodegas Benjamin de Rothschild & Vega Sicilia Macán.”

Cat stared at him for a couple of seconds, blinked and sighed shaking her head, “Why did I even bother to ask you! I should’ve known you’d tell me something I wouldn’t understand. When it’s about wine, you start speaking a different language.” She was still shaking her head trying not to laugh but Alec broke into a giggle. Soon she joined him.

“I wish I could just stay here and drink all those with you. Rag understands nothing about wines. You know, cake tasting was a disaster with him.” She was still laughing and shaking her head.

“I wonder how you two fell in love.” Alec smirked.

“High school, Alec, it does so many things to people, you know.” She sighed. Alec smiled. “Do you know what they’re talking about?” she pointed to the balcony.

Alec hesitated a moment before answering. He had an idea what Magnus and Ragnor were talking about but he didn’t want to just assume. “I think they’re talking about me.”

“You? Why?” Cat perked up.

“I… I don’t know… I have a feeling…” Alec sighed as Cat watched him carefully, “Magnus… he and I… We had a… disagreement. He’s… mad with me.”

“You two aren’t talking at the moment?” Cat raised an eyebrow trying to not judge. Alec just nodded. “What was it about, if I may ask?”

Alec just stared at Magnus’s lithe figure leaning on the rail. Cat understood his hesitance. “We all have a past, Alec, monsters under our beds… skeletons in our closets. Be careful what you wish for. Have patience with him. He may look so easy going. But there’s a lot buried underneath that charming smile of his. When he’s good, he’s good. When he’s bad, well…” Cat smiled at him. Alec nodded but was seriously confused at the riddle she threw at him.

They both looked out at the sound of the sliding door of the balcony closing. Magnus and Ragnor were back in and settling on the couch. Alec suddenly dreaded to go back in. Looking at Cat he put on his best smile. They went back.

139 – Breaking silence

It was the most awkward dinner Alec had ever had, in his 28 years of life.

The silence was only interrupted by the sounds of cutlery and Magnus’s cheery voice talking animatedly to Ragnor and Catarina.

Alec kept his mouth shut like he wasn’t the fourth person sitting beside Magnus having dinner. He kept staring at the three friends, mostly Magnus and kept asking to himself what he was even doing there.

Alec felt uncomfortable in his own apartment; his own house which he always knew to be his safe place. His skin was crawling at the eeriness of how the place seemed more like only Magnus’s place than him.

The night carried on. They shared drinks. The food was gone and soon Cat and Ragnor bid good night too. And finally, Magnus and Alec were alone. Alec dreaded the moment the couple walked out of the door.

Moments passed and Alec kept his eyes on Magnus who busied himself in cleaning the kitchen. Alec didn’t want to but something was stirring inside him. He didn’t like the feeling. So he went to the cabinet in the dining room and pulled out a bottle of Chopin from Magnus’s stash. He tried to stop himself from wheeling into the balcony, open the bottle and start drinking. By the time Magnus came to him, he had taken a couple of long burning gulps.

“Do you wanna come inside?” Alec heard Magnus’s soft voice directed to him, something he had been dying to hear for past 4 days. He smiled to himself for an unknown reason and turned to wheel in. He watched Magnus taking a seat on the couch and placed himself right in front.

They sat there silently for minutes. Alec didn’t count but it felt long. Magnus was looking at his knotted fingers in his lap. Alec kept staring at Magnus. The unfinished bottle lay in his lap. Suddenly Magnus reached out and took the bottle. He put it on the floor beside the couch, safely out of Alec’s reach.

Alec watched Magnus fidgeting before he suddenly spoke, “What happened to your bandage?” pointing at his knee.

By the tone, Alec knew that it wasn’t just a question. Magnus was asking him with authority. “I ripped it off.”

“Why?”

“Needed a shower.”

“Cling film, Alec, cling film.” Magnus rolled his eyes.

“You know I hate them.” Alec didn’t like being called ‘Alec’, not from Magnus.

Magnus only nodded and the silence continued again. Alec was itching to ask but again Magnus beat him. “Are we okay?”

Alec internally gasped. After everything, Magnus was asking him that. He controlled his voice, “You tell me.”

Magnus’s chocolate brown eyes looked way dark than Alec had ever seen shot up at him. Alec held the gaze and stared back. Their eyes met in a way that the air around them felt heavy, charged, intensified.

This time Alec took the charge. “Did you spend the nights here?” he knew Magnus came home. But he didn’t know if Magnus stayed.

“Slept on the couch,” Magnus’s eyes flitted for a flash of a moment in hesitation but settled on neutral again. Alec nodded in response.

Moment by moment it was getting harder for them to continue a conversation.

“Can I ask you something?” Magnus suddenly went back staring at his fingers. His voice was low.

“I think I’ve been waiting for that for past 4 days.” Alec didn’t mean it as a snide but Magnus looked back at him at the tone.

“Right,” He gulped twisting his fingers, “Why was he here?”

“I’ve given you the answer before, Magnus. I didn’t lie. I called him for Cat. He came to deliver. That’s all.” Alec replied after a beat.

“Right… What did he say?” Magnus was still looking down. Alec stayed quite. He wasn’t going to answer until Magnus wouldn’t look at him.

“Magnus, look at me.” Alec ordered when Magnus kept looking down, “You have to look at me when you talk to me, okay? You have to look me in the eye and decide if I’m telling the truth or not. So just look. At. Me.”

At the tone, Magnus had to look up. “So,” Alec continued, “David and I were enjoying some wine. He asked me why I asked for all the wine and if I was getting married when I said it’s for a wedding. He brought up that I never was in favor of having a relationship. We got into talking and he just told me that he cares about me. And if I want to give a relationship a chance then he’ll be happy to have me. He gave me an open offer.”

“Why didn’t you tell him that you’re already in a relationship?” Magnus asked after processing the answer.

“Because first, I didn’t feel the need of disclosing my relationship status for no reason,” Alec had the urge to roll his eyes but refrained, “I called him here as a friend. I didn’t think he’d do or say something like that. And second, he never asked me if I was interested or available. He just assumed I was single and said his piece. He didn’t hope for an answer I believe.”

“Okay, so you are not interested in him,” Magnus muttered. Alec stared at him dumbfounded. He couldn’t believe the words he heard. He wondered for some time if he heard it right before Magnus talked again. “When did you break up with him? Why would he assume you are single?”

Alec wondered if the tone was accusing. He replied truthfully nevertheless. He was tired of avoiding talking to Magnus. Especially after what Magnus made him feel for 4 complete days with a reason that Alec was still to find out. “I don’t know why he assumed. Maybe because he always knew me as someone not interested in committed relationships. We ended it 5 months before the night you got drunk and I stayed the night at your place.”

Magnus’s mouth went slack, in surprise, before he composed himself enough for the next question, “How long? The relationship...”

“We met as associates. We found common likes. We became friends. We dated for 7 months. He wanted more. Obviously, I couldn’t be in a relationship. My past didn’t allow me. But he didn’t know that obviously. And also…” Alec didn’t stop talking when Magnus perked up to interrupt him, “… I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. Dating was fine. But I never was in love with him or something. Common infatuations we shared and broke it off on a mutual understanding that the dating won’t be a problem in future which clearly wasn’t… clear enough and decided to stay as “friends” which… isn’t the case anymore.”

Magnus had a weird look on him. His gaze flitted between Alec’s eyes trying to find out a single lie which would’ve justified his thoughts. But by the moment Magnus was losing that game. There was no lie. “Why did you meet him in January then? Right after the accident. Right after resigning from all the jobs.”

“I…” Finally, Alec hesitated. Hope blossomed in Magnus. Maybe he wasn’t so wrong. But well, Alec wasn’t in the mood of playing either. He straightened his shoulders and sat up a bit, “David was my friend, Magnus. You have to understand that he was one of those people who didn’t know my past and knew me for who I was at that time. I trusted him to some extent.” Alec paused to gauge Magnus’s confused frown, “Like I said before, David is a restaurateur. He has his main business in DC. After whatever happened between us in December… you were right. I wanted to leave the city. I met David to ask him to find me a job. I was supposed to leave for Texas but they hired other people before he could even recommend me. I asked him later to not try for more. I didn’t need to leave. I needed a break. And so I holed up in here for 3 months before Michael kicked me out on his birthday and the alley thing happened.”

Magnus kept quiet, slowly taking in the explanation. Alec waited for a few moments. “Magnus, I hope you know you have no reason to be jealous. David was never important. And I never meant any of it to happen. It was always you.”

140 – Or I go home

“…It was always you.” Alec continued. His eyes were searching for Magnus. “It’s been you since I saw you walk into Pandemonium almost 5 years ago.”

Appalled by the sudden declaration, Magnus gulped. “Did you… you know… you and David… did things…” he knew he was about to jump in treacherous waters.

Alec tried to understand. Then he was mortified. But he wasn’t ashamed. “‘Did things’? You mean if David and I had sex?” his eyebrow cocked.

Magnus turned red. God, he wasn’t ready to sit and listen to Alec’s past sex life. It wasn’t like he didn’t know about it. But finally talking about it, Magnus wasn’t ready to know a number or have a face on one of them.

“It’s not like you don’t know, Magnus. I had an active sex life. But that’s all I had. No strings attached. I told you this before.” Alec continued in a serious tone, “Yes, David and I had sex, a few times. Does that bother you?”

Magnus stole his glance again. Does that bother him? He wanted to scream yes. He wanted to yell that it hurt him that Alec called an old friend and had a good time in their home. He wanted to shout at Alec that it is unacceptable to invite someone over anything and not even inform him about it. He wanted to let Alec know how guilty he looked when Magnus came home early that evening as if Alec wanted to hide the whole meeting. But all that came out of his mouth shocked Magnus too. He didn’t understand the kind of barrage he opened for himself to drown.

The anger in him spoke loud and clear before he could stop, “If you slept with him, if you two were dating each other, if you had so much in common, why he doesn’t matter to you? Why the hell he is unimportant to you? He was your first steady relationship for heaven’s sake. How could you not love him? How could you just use him and break up? How could you be so emotionally detached?”

His moment of rage passed by and he registered the broken and hurt look on Alec. Within a moment Magnus realized what he said. His heart wanted to reach forward, hold Alec and end whatever it was happening. But his brain opposed, freezing his body and locking his eyes on Alec’s molten hazel which darkened by the passing seconds. Magnus sat there waiting to hear whatever Alec had to say.

Alec recovered quickly. His brain took control of his breaking heart by making it beat slower, stopped his eyes from leaking by closing them for a few seconds and calmed his shaking breath by making his lungs work. That brain passed on a small comment, so that’s what you get when you finally try to attach with someone emotionally. It was just a comment but it was enough to scar his soul.

Alec knew his brain was about to do something he would never be able to forgive himself for. But he knew it was better out in the open than hidden. Magnus was hurt already by his hiding and lies. Not anymore. “He wasn’t my first, Magnus. David wasn’t my first of anything.”

Magnus’s eyes snapped at him. Alec took a breath and continued, slow and calm, “My first ever steady relationship was Imasu. I’m sure you know that name. I wanted to be happy with him. But he was rudely taken away from me. My first kiss was Imasu too. First sex… I don’t remember… It was in Detroit maybe… a gay stripper. It wasn’t a good experience. For long I didn’t want to have sex again ever. My first crush… the one who made me realize that nothing about me is plain simple… the one who made me realize that I’ll never be able to fulfill my father’s dream… the one with whom I laid in my bed nights after nights just to feel trapped… was effectively made my brother… So I moved on…”

Magnus was stunned. His brain was blank since it registered the word “Brother”. But Alec didn’t stop talking, “So no, David was nowhere near important to me ever except as a friend. Things were taken away from me one by one… until you came. My first love… is you. The one who stole my breath away… is you. The one who turned my world heaven over hell… is you. The one who brought down my walls and opened my door… is you. The one who made my heart beat again with a meaning… is you. The one for whom I want to live… is you. The one for whom I couldn’t try to suicide again… is you. The one for whom I want to fight… is you. The first man who made love with me, who showed me love… is you, Magnus. I don’t know any other way to tell you this but you are my first of so many things I never hoped to have.”

Alec breathed, resigned, and heard Magnus’s croaky words, “Brother? Your first crush… It was…”

“Jace,” Alec finished. And he knew it was over. Magnus stared at him blank-eyed.

Startling Alec, Magnus jumped out of the couch with a sudden flurry. Alec watched Magnus looking everywhere but him as if he was trying to find something. He grabbed his phone from the table and started to walk past Alec.

Alec somehow knew it was the last time, the last chance. When Magnus was about to walk past his chair, Alec grabbed his wrist effectively stopping him. They face away from each other, standing apart, that they couldn’t see each other’s face.

“Are we okay?” Alec managed to speak and held on to Magnus’s wrist.

“I’ll be at the loft for the weekend. I have some work to finish. My equipments are there. I need space to draw. I’ll be back on Monday.” Magnus freed his wrist. Alec knew it was just an excuse. He knew Magnus was running away.

“That’s not my answer,” Alec tried again, “Are we okay?” but met only silence.

“Why can’t you tell me what’s going on? I answered everything you wanted to know. Tell me what else I can do.” Alec said after a few moments.

“Are you stopping me?” Magnus said after a long silence, still facing the door.

“Do you want me to stop you?” Alec asked, still facing the balcony door. The silence stretched again with Magnus.

“Are you going now?” Alec sighed silently.

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” Magnus heard the monotonous reply and the wheelchair going away. Alec stopped beside the couch and took the bottle. He heard Magnus’s footsteps reaching the door and opening it.

“Magnus… take care of yourself, please.” Alec managed to say. His fingers worked on the bottle cap.

“Take care of yourself too,” Magnus said. It sounded like a final goodbye.

“I waited for 4 days. I’ll wait for you forever. Don’t do this to us, please.” It was Alec begging Magnus to stay and choose him. It was his final desperation to stop Magnus. Only the silence hit him. “But if you walk out on me now…” Alec finally said and let the sentence hang. His chest was rising and falling fast in anticipation. The silence stretched again and raised his hope. That was his last try. The next moment he jumped at the sound of the door closing shut. The silence was deafening, closing in on Alec, chocking him. Alec realized Magnus wasn’t there anymore.

Alec exhaled the breath he was holding. He let a single tear fall. His lips kissed the rim of the bottle of Chopin instead of Magnus. He drained the bottle first and move onto the rest of the cabinet. He didn’t want to feel. He didn’t want to be left alone, be rejected by Magnus without any reason. He wanted this to end.

The lies and hiding things hurt Magnus.

The truth took Magnus away forever.

Love… is bullshit.

Unconditional… doesn’t exist.

Relationships… sucks.

There’s always a condition. It has to be.

Nobody knew this better than Alec Lightwood.

After all Robert, the great Papa Lightwood taught him the lesson well.

141 – Things needed to be done

Saturday 11:20 am ->

“Good morning Mr. Wayland. I’m George. You ready?”

“Yes, good morning, George. You know the address?”

“Of course, sir, I’ve told to be on your service for the day.”

“Okay then. Let’s go.”

53 minutes later ->

“This is highly irregular, sir. I can’t let this happen.”

“I know the protocols officer. I’ve shown you the documents. So let me in.”

“I understand the urgency but I still need to get permission from the authority.”

“Then do it. And make it faster. I don’t have all day to be here.”

“Yes sir, if you’d just wait in the visiting area, I’ll try to make it as fast as possible.”

“Thank you for your kind help, officer…” Alec’s eyes flit over the name tag on the officer’s shirt, “Officer Matthews.”

“Follow me, Mr. Lightwood. Given that nobody in past 3 years tried to contact him let alone come and visit, I have to say I’m shocked at your sudden arrival.”

“Not even his lawyer?”

“Nobody.”

 1 hour and 27 minutes later ->

“Mr. Lightwood, I’ve checked all your documents. We’ve talked to state police and FBI to verify your story. It is highly irregular but you are allowed for the visit today. But from next time on, you’ll have to make an appointment like others.”

“Don’t worry, warden. I’ll not be coming back again. I’ve just come to say goodbye. I promise to be in my best behavior.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything else from a lawyer either. Come with me then.”

Another 26 minutes later ->

Alec sat in a private visiting room waiting for the man he wanted to visit.

“Alec? What are you doing here?”

Alec looked up at the voice and the rumbles of shackles. He waited till the guards were done securing him in the seat and left. He nodded at them in thanks.

“Hello, father. Well, obviously I’ve come to meet you.”

“How could you get in?” Robert was clearly amused and not pleased.

“Just like how other people get in, using the front door.” Alec concentrated to keep his calm. It wasn’t as easy as he thought it’d be.

“Why? Why have you come now? I kept that stupid deal and you still put me here. Who the hell do you think you are coming here and trying to rub it on my face?”

“Glad to know that 3 years of jail life hasn’t changed you a bit. But I haven’t come for chitchat.”

“Well, who wants to chitchat with you anyway, you piece of shit. Hope you haven’t told them who you are. You’re still a disgrace to me and the family, you bloody faggot. You can’t tell people you’re a Lightwood. You are not a Lightwood. You can never be a Lightwood.” Robert spat through his teeth.

“And I don’t wanna be a Lightwood either. People are going to find out sooner or later. I am who I am, right? You tried to change me. What happened to that? You still got arrested right? The case happened right? You banishing me, worked for how long, 10 years? And you still think I put you in here?” Alec breathed.

“People will not find out if you don’t kiss and tell. I wouldn’t get arrested if you didn’t tell them. Your confession put me here.” Robert hissed.

“Well, then you should know that people now know Alec Lightwood never died. They know about Alec Lightwood and about the deal, Dad. Your reputation, the Lightwood name that matters so much to you… it’s already gone. I was your son, I always will be, whether you and I like it or not.”

“No. You are not my son. You are a disgrace in the name of Lightwood. Jonathan is my son. He’s the true Lightwood. He is the heir of Lightwood.”

“You think I don’t know why you love Jace so much? You hoped that Jace would inherit the Herondale money and bring all that to you. That’s why you love Jace so much. Because he’s a Herondale because he’s still the sole heir of Herondale.”

“Don’t talk to me like that. You have no idea how much I love Jonathan.”

“You disgrace Max. You can deny me, but Max? How could you do this to him? He was your son. Jace can never be a true Lightwood. At least he’s not as cunning as you if being a Lightwood means that. Max was supposed to be the heir. But you killed him.”

“Don’t you dare to put Max’s death on me. If you weren’t one lousy bastard, he’d be alive and I’d have two heirs. You know nothing about Jonathan. I brought him up. I raised him. He’s my true son. He’s never let me down.”

“First of all, I don’t care. I haven’t cared what you think since you killed Max. And second of all, which I’m so fucking happy to let you know, is that you are in here, in jail because of that true son of yours who never let you down.”

“What?” Robert was genuinely shocked.

“Jace reopened the case after he took over the company. He then brought in Izzy and brought you down. They provided enough evidence to the police to bring you and Hodge, both down. Glad to tell you, Hodge is rotting somewhere too.”

“You’re lying. Jonathan would never do that to me. I am his father. He loves me.” Oh, how Alec loved watching his father squirming in denial like that.

“Yeah, keep telling that to yourself. If one thing Jace did right being a Lightwood, that’s putting you in here. So damn proud of my parabatai and baby bird.”

“No, you’re lying. You lying son of a bitch. You should’ve died that night.”

“And I’m still alive, on my own for 13 years. I was a Lightwood. I kept my stupid deal for 10 years, just like you did. And Jace, found evidence against you the moment he took over the business. And I thought you knew better.”

“Why are you here? Why have you come now?” Robert was in stress.

“Just one question, dad, I need one honest answer from you. That’s all.”

“Yeah, as if that’s gonna happen. I’m telling you nothing.” Robert smirked.

“In that case, I have to tell you that as much as you tried to destroy me, Dad, I still became a lawyer. I can still invoke my authority. And if I do that then I’ll drag you to court again and make sure you never ever get to see the sun until you die.” Alec steeled his heart, his voice sharpened.

“You are a lawyer?” Robert was shocked again.

“Don’t be so shocked, Dad. I’m not here as the lawyer, not yet. So don’t test my patience. Just tell me what you’ve done to mom.” Alec scoffed.

“What?”

“Jace and Izzy have recently found me out. They know I’m alive. They know a lot more than we ever wanted them to know. They told me they love me. They want me back in their life. But you know what’s weird? They never mentioned mom. She never came to meet me. I know she’s alive. I know there’s something they’re not telling me. And I’m kinda sure it’s about her. So either you tell me and I leave you here, in peace with your 25 years sentence or I make your life a living hell. The choice is yours.”

“Jonathan and Isabelle know everything, huh? That explains why those disrespectful bastards never came to visit.” Robert scoffed.

“Watch your mouth.” Alec grumbled dangerously.

“She wouldn’t stop blaming me for Max and you. God knows why she was so sad. I gave her the drugs to shut her up but that woman wouldn’t just stop. She was never fit to be married into Lightwood. And after your death news, she lost her marbles. I put her in a mental hospital.”

Alec was stunned for a moment, his heart racing badly that it hurt to even breathe, “Congratulations, Mr. Robert Lightwood. You’ve earned yourself a lifetime sentence by committing your crime toward Mrs. Maryse Lightwood.”

“Wait, what? You can’t do that. You promised.” Robert wailed.

“Never a true Lightwood, right dad?” Alec smirked getting up from the chair, “You’ll never ever see the light of day. I’ll personally make sure of that. You keep forgetting that if I didn’t love Jace like I did as a kid if I didn’t beg you to let him stay with us, you’d never have Jace. I can’t forget that you loved me once as much to let Jace be with me, to let him be a Lightwood. But now I wonder if that was part of your plan too.” Guards came in to restrain Robert and give Alec his crutch back, “I just needed closure, dad. This is my closure. Goodbye.” And he was out of the door as Robert screamed something incoherent.

142 – I’m only human

Raphael always went to the loft on Saturday mornings to do some cleaning, restock the fridge, check the balcony doors and windows and reset the security alarms and all. Since Magnus moved with Alec, he came to the loft a lot less than Raphael had initially thought. So eventually it came on him to take care of the place. He always had a key to the place like Ragnor and Catarina for any emergency. Magnus only visited the loft when he needed any important document or his drawing supplies. Otherwise, he was perfectly at home in Alec’s little apartment.

That morning when Raphael opened the door, he instantly felt the drop in the temperature of the loft. A sudden chill ran through him. The takeaway coffee cup almost fell out of his hands as he crossed the foyer and saw the mess.

The whole drawing room was littered with crushed paper balls. Raphael placed the coffee cup on the side table and went inside. The first thing he saw that the balcony door was open. Paper balls were swirling inside the room with the soft breeze. He went toward the dining area and saw more paper balls. He picked up one and unfolded it to see a rough sketch of eyes, eyebrows, jaws, lips, nose and floppy hair. Looking closer, Raphael realized it was an up-close sketch of Alec. He picked up more balls and most of them had sketches of Alec in various expressions. Raphael awed at Magnus’s ability to capture Alec’s expressions so well. Then some of the sketches were suits with Alec’s posture.

Raphael found Magnus out in the balcony, lying on the cold floor on the stack of sketches, a pencil still wrapped in his fingers. When he went to move Magnus, he noticed the sketch underneath, Alec staring with blank eyes. Magnus had drawn Alec’s eyes with immense detail that it looked real. Raphael was sure by then that Magnus had a breakdown.

“Oh Mags,” Raphael hooked his arms under the sleeping body and carried him inside. He was cold. Raphael put him on the couch and covered him with a warm blanket. He waited for Magnus to wake up while making coffee in the kitchen. When he went to fetch his cold takeaway, he saw Magnus stirring and stretching.

Raphael sat on the rug beside the couch, “Ahoy, wake up. Good morning.” he murmured softly watching Magnus. “Really, smell the coffee, wake up and help me to clean up the mess you’ve made.” It was still soft but strong.

“Raphael? What are you doing here? Where’s Alec?” Magnus looked around in confusion and registered the scene around him, “Shit. I’m in the loft. I left Alec.” he jumped off the couch knocking the mug out of Raphael’s grip spilling coffee on the rug. Raphael looked at it shocked.

“What the hell, Mags? What are you doing here anyway? Sleeping in the balcony, are you serious?” Raphael stood up.

“Jesus Raph, what time is it?” Magnus raked his hand through his hair, “Never mind. I have to go. Gotta find Alec. Hopefully, he hasn’t done anything yet. God damn it, I’m such a fool. I am an idiot. Rag told me not to overthink things and I just left him.” he shoved past a stunned Raphael.

“Wait, what do you mean you left Alec? What is going on, Magnus?” Raphael saw Magnus turning in the middle of the room in circles trying to find something. He spotted his phone on the kitchen island and went to take it. “Magnus, stop for a second. Wait. Breathe. And tell me what the fuck you’ve done.”

“Don’t have time, Raph. I need to go to the apartment right now. I need to talk to Alec. I made a huge mistake, Raph. I need to apologize to him.”

Raphael grabbed his elbow, stopping and forcefully putting Magnus in front of him, “What. Have. You. Done?” he was in his no-nonsense mood.

“I think I’ve broken up with Alec.” Magnus murmured looking down at his phone.

“‘You think’? Why the fuck would you do that?” Raphael was scowling at him.

“I messed up, Raph, big time.” Magnus pulled at his hair.

“Clearly… But why, what happened? Did he say something? Did he do something?”

“No. This time I did it. I over thought things - over analyzed it and I let him down.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You remember David? Alec’s ex, your friend?” Magnus paused to Raphael nodding, “Last Tuesday he suddenly was at the apartment. Alec called him for Cat’s wedding wines.”

“Yeah, Cat told me about the favor. But David was there? Did he meet Alec? So that’s why he was at the club that night.” Raph nodded at something.

“He went to meet you too?” Magnus frowned.

“No. He went to drink there. Then wailed about how much he would miss Alec.”

“He… What?” Magnus spat indulgently.

“David really loved him I think. But Alec wasn’t into it. He promised to never have relationships with customers. That was one clause I was happy to have in the employment deal with him. And technically David wasn’t a customer. Even so, Alec had informed me after their first date. That’s why I knew.”

“You never told me that.” Magnus was mad.

“I didn’t think it was important. I still don’t. David knew he’d get his heart broken with Alec. Yet he tried. Alec did that to you too? Did he hurt you? I swear I’m gonna kill him. Nobody hurts my brother.” Raphael perked up.

“No, it isn’t like that. But David did try to reconcile with Alec again.” Magnus dropped his shoulders. He was tired. He had been drawing all night trying to calm himself. “David was at the apartment to deliver the wines. They talked and drank some. David offered if Alec ever wanted to try, he’d want to be with him again. Alec never informed me about the meeting or that he was really helping Cat. I went home sooner that evening and found Alec downright shocked and flustered. He kissed me like… I don’t know… it felt weird. He seemed guilty. Then suddenly David came out of the room and I recognized him. Alec introduced me as the love of his life… the same words mom had used to praise dad to Robert. The similarity of the situations… I couldn’t breathe.” He dropped on the rug beside the couch.

“When I asked, he didn’t even deny that David took a chance on him. He didn’t deny their relationship, the dating and all.” Magnus gestured with his hand vaguely leaving it for Raphael to imagine, “Just like how mom came out to dad. I could literally see mom in Alec, the way they both talked about their past and things they’d done. He wouldn’t meet my eyes when David was there, just like mom wouldn’t when dad talked about his meetings with Robert. Alec said things that I know he wouldn’t ever say like that without any reason.” he closed his eyes remembering Alec’s pale face, his blank expressions.

“And then I saw bruises all over his face, Raph. When I asked he said he was trying to walk by himself. He isn’t fit to do that, Raph. He wasn’t supposed to put pressure on it. Those bruises, they fucking made me feel like a loser as if I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. I went to work. I left him home alone. Most of the days I wouldn’t even call him during the day and I knew he wouldn’t call me because he didn’t want to disturb me. Maybe that’s why he was so intent on having David as a friend. Like mom always had someone on the side whenever she needed. I should’ve been there to help him to walk; I should’ve known he was trying.” Magnus was on the verge of having another breakdown.

“I feel guilty, Raph. I feel guilty that he can’t think of me as a friend. I should’ve been there to protect him from David. But he never told me David was coming. As if he was trying to keep the meeting secret, hidden from me. Why didn’t he tell me, Raph?” Magnus had his knees up and resting his elbows on them. Slowly his head leaned down too. Raphael shifted closer to sit beside him.

143 – Carry on my wayward son

Alec was wobbly on his legs. His crutches barely supported his tall frame. He somehow managed to hobble out of the room and met the warden. That man probably understood the situation and helped Alec to the gate in comfortable silence. His mind was racing; his brain was about to burst. He got into the car and George, his driver, without saying a word drove away from the prison facility.

After a few long minutes, George had to ask, “Where to sir?”

Alec blankly stared back at him through the rearview mirror before finding his voice, “Umm, back to the city. I’ll just make a few calls. If I get an address, I’ll let you know. Otherwise take me home, please.”

Alec did what he said. He called his contacts in the health department. When he used to work with Lydia in child protection services, he had made a few contacts in different departments. He didn’t know someday he’ll find that as a blessing.

After a long call of being on hold for most of the time and routing through different offices, he had gotten a probable address. “George, can you take me to Winchester Boulevard in Queens? I’ll tell you the number later.” George nodded.

Next 49 minutes they spend in silence except when Alec had to tell the house number. To distract himself Alec had put on his ear pods. The familiar voice of a woman filled him with the lyrics that only seemed the words Alec would tell himself at that moment.

“One misstep, you're mine

And you better stay clever if you wanna survive

Once you cross the line

You'll be wishing you would listen when you meet your demise

Your heart hits like a drum

The hunt has just begun

Monsters stuck in your head...”

Or as if Life was mocking at him.

It was another battle when he reached his destination. They wouldn’t let him in as easily as he got into the prison. He needed more proof to show and was made to wait. So instead he pursued the doctor.

“Please take a seat, Mr. Lightwood. I’m Oliver Sable, the doctor.”

“Nice to meet you, Dr. Sable,” Alec tried modesty and shook his hand with the doctor, “I’m here to meet…”

“Yes, I’ve heard you when you said it the first time. Mr. Lightwood, I’m sure you understand my hands are tied here.” Dr. Sable was frank.

“I do, Doctor. But it’s important for me too.” Alec begged.

“How did you find out about this place? I thought the family kept it quiet.”

“I didn’t ask them actually. I don’t want them to know yet. I’ll be glad if you also don’t let them know too that I’ve been here. I didn’t even know that something happened to her. I just found it just hours ago and I tried every medical center to find her.”

“But still, Mr. Lightwood, even if I believe you, I can’t let this happen without formal documents. For all I know, you’re supposed to be dead. That’s the very reason my patient is here for the past 3 years.”

“I do understand that. And I’m glad that Jace and Izzy finally managed to get her out from wherever Dad had put and left her to die.”

“It’s amazing that she’s still alive after all that.” Dr. Sable mused.

“What if you let me see her once? I’m sure she’ll recognize me.” Alec desperately hoped it’d work.

“Mr. Lightwood, I’m afraid she doesn’t recognize anybody.” Dr. Sable breathed.

“What? What do you mean?” Alec was confused.

“The drugs she was injected with and the years of improper treatment she received; it affected her brain, mostly her memories and ability to recognize people from her past. She doesn’t remember much, neither has she recognized anyone.”

“Jace and Izzy?” Alec asked in hopeless hope. The doctor shook head saying no.

Alec was shaking. He couldn’t think. He focused on his breathing. “Please, there has to be some way. Just let me see her once, please. I need to see her. She’s my mother, please.” He begged; tears pooled his eyes. “Do a DNA test or whatever if you want. But just let me see her.”

“That might actually work but it’s not under my authority to do that. Maybe if we receive an official report from the police department, maybe that can work, I don’t know. I’m sorry, Mr. Lightwood, I can’t help you more than this.” Dr. Sable shrugged.

“Just today, please, just let me meet her once. Next time I’ll come with all the documents you need. Just… I’m begging you, Dr. Sable… please.” His voice broke.

Dr. Sable looked at him intently deep in his thoughts. Alec was about to tear at his hair. When he promised Robert that he’d never see the light of day, he didn’t think to find his mother like that. He was wondering for the first time ever why he hadn’t killed Robert some day in the past 13 years.

“Mr. Lightwood, there’s one thing I can do tonight. Obviously, I’ll be risking a lot but I’m still willing to try this.” Dr. Sable kept a straight face.

“What? What is it? Can I see her?” Alec jerked his head up to the doctor.

“Maryse doesn’t remember much. She doesn’t recognize your siblings. I want to see if she can recognize you if you can be her trigger. I’m willing to do this only hoping it’ll help her and strictly for research purpose.”

“So you mean I can meet mom?” Alec let his hope up again.

“Only after you answer me three questions and I’ll be in the room with you, overviewing the interaction.” There was the slightest hint of a smile on Dr. Sable.

“Great. I’ll do it. If I can meet her, I’ll do anything. Ask away.” Alec was speechless.

“First: Alec’s favorite sport. Second: his favorite color. Third: his favorite accessory.” Dr. Sable cocked his head waiting for answers.

Alec chuckled a little, “I don’t know if these are publicly known or not. But if you ask me, I’m not really a sports person unless you consider Archery. I don’t have a favorite color but Mum always said I look better in blue, cobalt blue, although I always chose black over anything. I’m not an accessories person either. But I always loved my black leather band watch.” He slid up his sleeve to show the watch on his left wrist.

“Okay then, just wait here until I come and get you to her.” Dr. Sable finally smiled fully, nodding his head approving the answers. They give each other a smile and Alec waited for 10 minutes or so before walking down a deserted corridor brightly lit with fluorescent lights.

“Your siblings wanted absolute comfort for her. So they got this private room where she can be herself. Other than her nurse and me, only Isabelle comes to visit. Jonathan is more reserved, I think. He doesn’t come often. So I have to prepare you first - don’t push her if she doesn’t reply. Keep your calm and approach carefully. Do nothing surprising. Do you understand?” Dr. Sable asked.

Alec only managed to nod. Dr. Sable opened the door of the room. He heard a piece of faint soothing music going on in the background. The room was fairly lit, brightly colored walls. There were some pictures taped on a board on the wall. He recognized those pictures as their childhood pictures, Jace, Izzy, Max and him. There was no Robert. He looked around to see a guitar on a stand beside the empty bed. The bathroom was on the other side of the room.

But Alec didn’t see her. He panicked for a moment before he saw Dr. Sable walking to the left side of the suite. He saw a big glass paneled window with couple couches there. A black-head was peeking above the backrest of one of the couch. His eyes went to Dr. Sable who urged him to go forward. He took a deep breath and a couple of steps before he stopped dead. He was just behind the couch, his hand raised a little when he finally recognized the music.

That very same song he hadn’t heard in 13 years or sang.

That very first song Alec learned to play completely by himself on guitar.

That very line Maryse had used as her final words before Alec had left – “There will be peace when you’re done...”

Alec stood stock still.

144 – Raphael saves the day

“Then I lashed out. I fell in that dummy pit of past. I locked him out. I couldn’t help but see how similar all of it was with mom and dad. She was always successful to cheat on dad. It took me to walk in on her to realize. She was kissing someone in dad’s study, the man half naked and she…” Magnus’s eyes went blank for a moment, “Well, she begged me to keep it under just to not hurt dad. She promised me it was one time and a mistake.” He kept on talking; his body protectively curling into himself. It was a past which only Ragnor had an inkling of. He never shared with anyone else.

“And then there was Robert. He came over many times when dad wasn’t there. They were fucking each other under the same roof she shared with dad. She didn’t even bother to go to a hotel or something. They always made a fool of dad and me. She tried to hide but I found out again. And again I kept it quiet, for dad. I shouldn’t have done that. I could’ve saved dad. I could’ve saved everything, Raph… and I didn’t.”

“It’s not on you, Mags. They both were consenting adults. Your dad, he didn’t see it. You couldn’t have done anything.” Raphael hugged a shaking Magnus.

“I could’ve, Raph. I could’ve told dad. Dad always turned a blind eye because he loved her. He really fucking loved her, unconditionally. He was just trying to make a better life for us. It wasn’t his fault if he lost himself too much in work. Mom never made an effort to keep it together. Instead, she just went out to get it.” His voice rose slightly, hate for his mother laced in the words.

“What does it have to do with Alec? He cheated on you?” Raphael asked.

“Alec would never cheat on me, I know that. Cheating changed his life too. He knows the feeling. The point is I love Alec too, unconditionally. And that’s what bothers me. I just don’t understand why he wants me.” Magnus murmured. Raphael scowled and leaned a bit away to look at him. Magnus continued with a sigh, “Even though the situation seemed ridiculously same with my parents and I can’t even explain it more because it so fucking damn hurts that I even compared Alec with mom…” Magnus breathed, “It’s Alec who bothers me more.”

“He’s so fucking different than mom.” Magnus said when Raphael cocked his head urging him to explain more.

“And that’s not good?” Raphael shook his head in resign, “You’ve lost me again.”

“At some situations, Alec is similar with mom but honestly, he isn’t. He’s not at all similar to her at all. And it’s confusing. I mean, I would’ve understood Alec better if he was same as mom. It seriously would’ve made life easier for me.” Magnus shook his head vehemently covering his ears, “I can’t believe I just said that. Alec is the best person I can ever have and I just wished he was same as mom. God, this is so sick.”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t love him in the first place if that was the case.” Raphael smirked.

“Exactly… I wouldn’t give him a single chance in the first place. But Alec isn’t like her. He’s not like his dad. Alec is just Alec… way too different. There’s so much about him that I just don’t understand. I tried to hold on but I can’t, Raph. He is not someone I’ve ever come across. That initially made me fall for him but it’s all too different now. I don’t know how to do this. Love is not everything to live, you know. There are so many other factors that matter as much as love. Some of them Alec always found incapable to give or accept. He never posed as otherwise. But now I’m finding the same. I’m incapable of many things too. I keep questioning myself if I can do this for the next 5 years. Hell, I don’t even think about whole life. And I’m scared. What if we both hurt each other too much to come back? When we met first, I had only seen a part of him. Now I see more, every day, his love, his hate, his passion, his struggles, his joy, his pain… and it’s too much. Maybe if he was like mom, it would’ve been better.” Magnus shrugged unintelligently.

“No, it wouldn’t be. Alec is Alec. He is not like anyone else specifically. He is he and he is here for you. And you are not like your father too.” Raphael rolled his eyes.

“He never loved anyone, Raph. He never wanted a relationship. He wouldn’t commit to anyone. And then suddenly he does all that for me. Why?”

“Isn’t that Love? And why do you say he never loved anyone or commit in a relationship? Relationships and love are always not about a partner in life. They are also for other people in our life too. Alec loves his sibling, right? He went through all that to protect them, right? Those are the relationships he committed to with all his honesty. And then Michael, Lydia, Madzie… they are the relations Alec chose to commit to. I’ve seen how much he cares for Simon. I’ve seen how he helped Maia. I’ve seen him goofing with Luke. I’ve seen him protecting Ash and Jessie from stupid customers. He’s even protective about that stupid bike of his, calls her “Baby”. He cared about all of them in his own way. And David, he never lied to David. He never gave David false hope about love, relationship or commitment. It was David who chose to take a chance. And Alec still cared enough to stay friends with him.” Magnus suddenly realized that it was probably first time in a long time Raphael used so many words.

“And that proves what love means to him. Didn’t you promise once after your parents that you wouldn’t love anyone? Didn’t you run away from relationships? Weren’t you scared? You used to have nightmares and panic attacks. And then you met Alec and things changed, right? Maybe that’s how it changed for Alec too. He knows how to love, Mags. He just doesn’t know how to express it. It doesn’t mean he is incapable to love or connect with you. It doesn’t give you a right to question his love. No Mags, I believe, his love is unconditional too and all for you. As much as he affected you, brought you out of your shell… you affected him too. Remember he gave himself a chance for you, just like you gave yourself a chance for him.”

Well, Raphael’s little speech was inspiring or what?

Okay, a little too revealing maybe.

Magnus felt like someone slapped him at first and then gave him a tight hug.

That’s love - unexplained, unrecognizable and unbelievable.

Magnus was moved, floored and woken up roughly at the same time.

“Will you go now?” Raphael asked softly.

“It’s not that simple but I need to explain things to him and apologize.” Magnus uncurled from his protective posture.

“Mags, it really is as simple as that. If you love him, want him, can see yourself growing old and grey and have a litter of cats with him, then talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Ask him if he feels the same. And if he does, then give it a chance. A relationship is not a give-and-take policy. Both parties in it have to make an effort. If you both are willing to make that effort, if you both want each other more than anything, then maybe it’s worth a shot. Maybe it’s worth fighting for. So instead of apologizing, tell him the truth, Mags. Tell him what’s in your heart. Listen to that. It’ll never lie to you.” Raphael was being the inspiring wise one.

“I see kids, Raph, not cats. But thanks for that stupid idea.” Magnus grumbled staring at the empty space above Raphael’s shoulder “Last night before I left, he said if I walk out on him… he didn’t complete the sentence.”

“What do you think he meant?” Raphael gave a skeptical look.

“Then it’s over between us? He’s done with me? I should never go back?” Magnus couldn’t meet his friend’s eyes.

“That’s why you said you broke up with him?” Raphael asked. Magnus nodded. “Maybe it is better you go and find out then. I think Alec needs you now more than ever. Just like you need him. Go. Talk to him.” Raphael pushed his arm shooing him off to the bedroom, “Get ready and go get your man.”

Magnus trudged back, “Raph… you’re the best.” He hugged Raphael.

“Let’s not Ragnor hear that, please.” Raphael chuckled hugging his friend back, “We will always be with you, Magnus. But right now, Alec doesn’t have that support except you. Tell him what you exactly feel.”

They broke the hug, both smiling softly. Magnus went to get ready and Raphael busied himself to pick every paper ball and smooth them. He put them in a neat stack and placed them in Magnus’s study. When he came out, Magnus was gone. He smiled at his friend’s love life. Magnus was always the one to surprise, go-big-or-go-home type. Alec certainly fits Magnus’s drama criteria. He chuckled thinking how those two idiots are perfect for each other, how they complete each other and how they love to dance around each other instead of actually talking to each other.

145 – Don’t you cry no more

Alec felt like someone dragged the rug from under him. His balance gave out. Before Dr. Sable could react, the crutches fell with a loud clank followed by his knees. A sharp pain ran through his body but he could care less. The song got him paralyzed.

“Once I rose above the noise and confusion

Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion

I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high…”

He stopped breathing.

“Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man

Though my mind could think I still was a mad man

I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear them say…”

Dr. Sable was about to come forward to help Alec when he was taken by surprise too. Maryse left her seat and stood up. Her dark hazel eyes followed Alec in front of her, on his knees, looking ahead with blank eyes. She slowly knelt down and wrapped her arms around his shaking body. “What are you doing on the floor? Did you fell again? I asked you to be careful, Alec.”

Alec barely heard those soft words. He felt the arms around him pulling him closer to a body he knew so well. A smell he hadn’t smelt in 13 years overpowered his senses, smell of his mother - honey, lavender and Mum. He didn’t even know when his own hands wrapped around her slender body and he just lost it. Maryse cradled his head in her bosom and they cried. They both cried in relief and sadness. The dams they protected so carefully in them, broke apart by one touch.

Alec couldn’t stop. He felt numb. He felt like he’s finally reached home again. His tears wetting Maryse’s shirt and hers mixing in his hair. “Are you hurt, son? Can you show mum where it hurts? I’m so glad you came back, Alec. I was so worried about you. I told them you’d come back. But nobody listened. Alec… oh my baby boy, my Alexander… please don’t cry sweety, mum is here, okay… together we’ll chase the pain away, ha? Please, stop crying. Please, baby, you’ll make me cry now too.”

“You’re already crying, mum” Alec somehow managed to say and they both chuckled. It felt so normal. It didn’t feel like they’ve been apart for years. Dr. Oliver Sable was out of his sorts though. He didn’t even believe what he saw. Maryse had barely spoken 3 words in 3 years and one look at Alec; she was down on her knees, being the mother.

“I missed you, mum. I’m so sorry I left you. I should’ve come back sooner.” He felt a pressure in his chest from the guilt. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“No, baby, you never hurt me. I told you to go away. I’m sorry, baby. I missed you too.” She sat on the floor, Alec secured in her arms, his knees screaming in pain.

“You remember, mum? You remember what happened?” Alec was bewildered. And so was Dr. Sable. All of it was going beyond his experience and studies.

“Of course, I remember, sweety. 13 years I’ve been waiting for you. 13 years I had no idea what was happening. Robert told me you died. But I never believed it, Alec. I knew you wouldn’t leave me without saying goodbye, not like Max. I never believed it.” Maryse stroked his hair gently shaking her head as if she was trying to make herself believe it, “Oh you’ve grown up so much, Alec. You’ve grown into one handsome man.” She gazed at him fondly. Her fingers traced the lines of his face. Her whole body radiated happiness. Alec held onto her. He didn’t want to let go ever. “You remember this song, Alec? Come on, sing with me, like we used to.” She smiled softly and Alec sat up.

He heard the song again just completing the first part. He realized that the song must’ve been on repeat. He caught the lyrics.

“Masquerading as a man with a reason

My charade is the event of the season

And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know…”

Maryse sang softly with him. His voice shook badly going off beat.

“On a stormy sea of moving emotion

Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean

I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say…”

13 years and none of them missed one single lyric. Just to see that content smile on Maryse, Alec could sing a million songs if it required too. He smiled back through tears. He couldn’t believe that fate brought him back where he could sing this song again with Maryse. They sang the hook together.

“Carry on my wayward son

For there'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more…”

Alec broke into a fresh set of tears and felt Maryse’s fingers wiping his cheeks, repeating the last line, “Don’t you cry no more.” 

Oliver was speechless. He looked at the mother and son gazing at each other with tear stained face and soft loving smiles. Both were glowing in love, radiating happiness. But he couldn’t believe what he just heard. Maryse singing, her confession to Alec, all of it seemed way too unreal. How could he never realize that Maryse remembered it all but chose to not speak of it? How did his treatment fail? How did Maryse do this unexplainable? How did she remember everything and he never found out?

But Alec was her trigger. She dropped her guard the moment her eyes laid on Alec. And Oliver didn’t have any doubt anymore. Even if his experience and study failed him to understand and warned him from believing it, he couldn’t help but believe it. This man truly was Alec Lightwood, with the proofs or without. That woman protected herself, with the intention or without. Their love, their bond, the strength between a mother and a son, came through and protected her.

As much as it was inexplicable, it was the truth, right in front of his eyes. He watched the mother and the son communicating through the silence. The room was quiet but their eyes made the very much needed conversation. Oliver didn’t want to disturb them but he had to when he noticed Alec’s pant was stained with blood. He panicked.

“Mr. Lightwood… Alec…” Oliver gently tapped on his shoulder breaking the hug of the mother and the son, their eyes glazed. Alec seemed he didn’t even realize he was bleeding.

“Dr. Sable…” Alec was way too happy to realize that he had pulled Oliver down on the floor and hugged him tightly, “Thank you, Doc. Thank you so much for trusting me. Thank you for giving me my mum back. Thank you so much.” His chin was on Oliver’s shoulder. Oliver hugged back lightly.

Oliver was speechless again. “Eh… erm… umm… I mean…” he stammered badly. Alec was still hugging him. Maryse chuckled softly and gently rubbing the back of Alec’s shoulder. For the first time, Oliver saw her smiling as much, “Err… Mr. Lightwood…”

“Call me Alec, please.” Alec broke the hug and smiled brightly at him.

“Err… right… erm… Alec… your pant…” Oliver looked down. Alec’s eyes followed just as Maryse’s.

“Oh my God, Alec, is that blood? Are you bleeding, honey? Why didn’t you tell me you’ve hurt yourself that bad?” she swiftly rose on her feet holding Alec’s elbow. Oliver and Alec exchanged a small look. Oliver was confused at Alec’s expression but was happy to see Maryse. “Get up now. Carefully, lean on me.” She helped Alec to stand. “Oh dear…” she suddenly squeaked staring at Alec wide-eyed.

“What?” Alec looked troubled. Maryse bit on her lip to stifle her laugh.

“You’re so tall.” Maryse smiled big, her eyes ran over Alec from head to feet.

“Yeah, well, you made me drink that much of milk for a reason right?” Alec smirked trying to hide his blush.

“Come here,” She helped him to the couch. “Sit,” she ordered before turning, “Oliver, can you bring me some antiseptics, please? This boy never takes care of himself, you know?” she sat on the floor cross-legged and rolled up Alec’s pant above his knee. “Oh dear… so much blood. How do you not see where you’re walking to, ha?” she admonished in the most motherly tone.

Oliver saw the pleading and scared look in Alec’s eyes. He was confused as much when Maryse addressed him by his name but Alec looked really different than when he came. He looked down at Alec’s leg at Maryse’s comment of too much blood. “Shit,” escaped his lips before he could even stop himself. He strode across the room and got a big box full of surgical stuff.

“Maryse, I think it’d be better if you let me do it. After all, it is too much blood.” Oliver said gently as he sat beside Maryse on the floor. Maryse moved a bit to let Oliver do his work. She held Alec’s hand. The warmth somehow calmed Alec. He looked at his mom and Oliver. He was blank again.

146 – Was it all my fantasy?

Magnus ran, with all his might. It was a wrong decision, of course. But he still ran. He ran 11 blocks to reach the apartment. Then he climbed 3 flights of stairs because someone was using the elevator already. He was too impatient to wait.

For the first time in a long time he was sure that not only he made a giant mistake, but also this mistake can cost him way too much. But he had to take the risk of rectifying it. He couldn’t leave Alec.

All the way he ran being sure that Alec was at home waiting for him. He was scared thinking if Alec had done something to himself, but he was sure Alec would be at home. Boosted by Raphael’s big speech he ran to meet Alec and apologize to him. He didn’t consider the consequences.

He stood in front of the brown wooden door of Alec’s apartment, their home, frozen and unable to ring the bell. That’s when he thought about the consequences. He was sure that Alec would be inside as he was still injured. But what if Alec doesn’t answer or open the door? What would he do then? How would he pursue Alec through a closed door?

He shrugged off his jacket. He was panting and sweating from all the running. It was just after noon only. The jacket made a jingle as it hit the floor. He picked it up and felt the pockets to find the bunch of keys. He pulled it out and saw the apartment key in the bunch. A small hope blossomed. Then he remembered how he had left Alec, without any word or even a goodbye. When he left after what Alec had said, he kinda made the statement by leaving.

What if Alec took that as an answer that Magnus doesn’t wanna be with him anymore?

What if Alec thought Magnus broke up with him?

What if Alec assumed that Magnus had had enough?

What if Alec gave up on him?

What if Alec wasn’t waiting for him anymore?

What if Alec wasn’t willing to fight for him anymore?

Magnus ran away when things became too much for him. What if… there were so many what-ifs. And Magnus had no idea what to believe at that moment. He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath to steady himself for Alec’s reaction, whatever that be. He gently knocked on the door. There was no reply.

He knocked again, harder. He rang the bell multiple times. Again there was no reply. He met with silence. His heart started to race. What if something happened to Alec and he can’t answer the door?

“Alec? Alexander?” he rapped on the door, “Open the door, please. It’s me, Magnus.” He pressed his ear on the door in case he could hear something. “Alec? I know you’re in there. Please open the door, baby. Please.” He tried to listen again but there was nothing.

He started to panic and rapped louder, “Alexander? Honey, you’re scaring me. I get it if you’re angry with me. I left last night and I was wrong. I didn’t mean to leave like that. It was too much for me. Please, baby, just let me in and we can talk. I love you, Alec, only you. Please let me in.” Again there was silence.

“Alexander, seriously, you’re scaring me now. At least just say something so I know you’re there and listening to me. Please, baby, give me a sign.” He waited, “Alec, love, please don’t do this to me. Don’t keep quiet like this, please, it’s killing me. I’m sorry, Alec. I’m so sorry I hurt you. You wanna punish me, fine. But just lemme know you’re okay.” He was on the verge of crying. Bile of panic rose in his throat. He fisted on the door, loud and desperately.

“Alec, I swear to God, if you don’t open the door now…” He paused hoping the threat will work. That it’ll make Alec angry and reply something. But he found out Alec was more stubborn; he had every right to be. After all, Magnus hurt him a lot. If Magnus was in Alec’s place, probably he’d do the same. The silence remained. “Gods help me, Alec, I mean it. Open the door or answer me or I’ll break it down.” He pounded on the door this time.

In utter desperation Magnus just said it. He hoped Alec would take the bait and soften up thinking Magnus would hurt himself by actually kicking the door down. He wanted to use the key. But nothing happened. Scared Magnus put the key in the lock, “Alec, I don’t care, I’m coming in now.” He murmured a silent prayer to God, Angry, mad, sad, throwing things, verbally making me feel like the biggest jerk in the whole world, I will take anything. Just let him be okay, alive and in one piece, please. He turned the key and unlocked it with a click. He pushed the door wide open and looked inside.

The room was empty. He had half hoped to see Alec, sitting there in his wheelchair, glaring at him with mad eyes. But Alec wasn’t there. He got more scared. He called, “Alec? Where are you?”

His voice echoed through the apartment. Worried Magnus dashed into the bedroom. The bed was made and the room was empty. He tapped on the bathroom door, “Alec? Are you there?” and no answer came. He opened the door to see it empty.

He ran outside. He checked the storeroom, kitchen and balcony; didn’t leave the spare bathroom, under the bed and behind the couch… Alec was nowhere. The empty bottle of Chopin was on the kitchen island and the wheelchair was hidden behind bedroom door which he found later. His heart jumped in his chest, badly.

He tore at his hair, panicking and worrying. He then saw the paper note on the dining table placed under a glass bowl in Alec’s handwriting – “Hey, Madz, sorry, I didn’t inform you before. I didn’t want you to stop me. I had to go. I’ll be turning off my GPS. Stay here. Lock the door. Call your mom. Don’t answer the door until she comes. Don’t tell them anything, please. I’ll be fine and back soon and tell you everything. Till then, hold the fort. Love ya.”

Magnus stared at the note blankly. He felt another paper under that, “Magnus - in case you’re here - I’m sorry. Maybe it’s for better. Maybe this is how it should’ve always been. Maybe this… us, were never meant to be. It wasn’t your fault. You tried. I hurt you so much. I’m sorry I tested your limit. Thanks for tolerating me for so long. Thanks for the memories you gave me. Go home. Take care of yourself. Make more memories. You deserve better than me.”

So Alec did give up on them and thought it’s for better.

So Alec did give up and accepted the break-up.

So Magnus finally did manage to utterly, royally, badly, ingeniously screw it up with Alec. He and his insecurities can go to hell and be damned. All the “what ifs” became true.

“Thanks, mom,” Magnus muttered in daze, hatred and sarcasm, “Thanks for screwing me so much that I didn’t recognize Alec, that I let him go.”

Tears filled his eyes. Air chocked him. He sat on the floor cradling those papers to his chest, with the ugliest fear of where Alec was, the greatest worry of how Alec was and the damned hope that Alec would be back soon.

Magnus sat on the floor, waiting.

147 – Don’t you worry child

Alec was fidgeting. He was badly fidgeting. Not because he was bleeding and Oliver was treating him. But he felt something weird. Something he couldn’t explain. Something he knew was there but he couldn’t figure out. Maryse looked so better than he hoped. Actually, Maryse was better. She was never seriously ill or injured. His father’s words were turning in his head. There were so many questions suddenly that he couldn’t find answers.

How did Maryse survive all the drugs Robert gave her?

How could she still be better if she received improper treatment for years?

How is it possible that nothing affected her, not the way Robert or others presumed?

Why did she refuse to recognize Jace and Izzy?

Why didn’t she talk to anyone, ask for help? Oliver here seemed like a good guy and a good doctor. So why didn’t she trust him?

What the hell was happening?

He looked blankly at his mother without noticing Oliver was treating his bullet wound. It didn’t occur to him that he should mention it before Oliver recognized.

“Alec, sweety, you alright?” Maryse stroked his arm softly. He was pulled out of his reverie and winced instantly. The antiseptic stung.

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t realize it’s this bad. What happened?” Oliver bit his tongue before he could spill more. Obviously, Alec didn’t want his mother to know that he was shot at the knee and the wound was still raw and healing. “It seems like an old wound.” He said carefully.

“Yeah, it is.” Alec really didn’t want to talk about it, not in front of Maryse. But a mother’s eyes caught his hesitation.

“Old wound? Why is it bleeding now then? What happened, Alec?” she asked, genuinely concerned.

“It’s nothing, mum. I fell badly. It’s still healing.” Alec lied. His eyes trained on Oliver to support him.

“It’s really nothing, Maryse. I was just concerned about the blood. It really seems nothing.” Oliver smiled, keeping up the ruse. “Do you mind if I put on a bandage? You need it.” He said to Alec who just nodded.

Maryse stood up suddenly and crossed the room. Alec whispered a thank you to Oliver who whispered back asking him to keep the bandage this time. Alec felt a blush remembering why he had ripped the old bandage. She came back with the guitar he saw before.

“Remember you had one like this?” she smiled and put it in Alec’s lap. “I don’t know if you still have that one. You took it with you. So I had to find one like that. Nurse Lena helped me to find it. Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Yes, mum, it’s beautiful.” He smiled back not understanding her point. He was confused why a nurse helped her to find a guitar and why and how she asked for help without giving anything away. He didn’t understand why she did what she did.

“Well, play it then. Sing a song for us.” Maryse said nonchalantly. Oliver’s hands stopped mid work; his eyes jumping from mother to son. Alec gaped at her.

“What? No.” he squeaked. “I haven’t played in years. I don’t know… I can’t play.”

“Of course you can play.” She pushed the guitar further in his lap, “You were an excellent player, Alec. I’m sure you still can play. Go on. Sing a song.” She was being so cheerful that he couldn’t turn her down. He looked at Oliver begging with his eyes to save him from the situation. Oliver just shrugged and went back to his work. Alec gulped.

He took the guitar in his hands and remembered the last time he played. He was in Boston, playing on the sidewalk and people gave him money. It worked well until one by one the cords gave out and he had to sell it for more money. Holding a guitar again brought back so many memories. He remembered when he got the first guitar he used to play for Jace, Izzy, Max and Maryse. He could sing well too. Absentmindedly, his fingers moved on their own to tune the guitar and check the chords. He gave some mindless strum before a song came to him.

It was a song from his days in Texas when he learned to mix cocktails. It wasn’t a song to play on guitar but the lyrics stayed with him. He gave a few more strums before he caught the tune and hummed. The lyrics came slowly. He closed his eyes and let himself go. Maryse and Oliver gazed at him with soft eyes and smiles.

“There was a time; I used to look into my father's eyes

In a happy home, I was a king I had a golden throne

Those days are gone, now the memories are on the wall

I hear the sounds from the places where I was born…”

Alec skipped the hook. He was never a fan of doing the hook in the middle even though that’s how the original song was. He’d always save it for the end. And in this particular song, the hook was the prime, high and full of notes. He needed time to get comfortable before he could hit them effortlessly. Instead, he played the music of the hook letting his fingers get comfortable. The singer in him took over his body. The vibration of the guitar hummed in his veins.

“There was a time; I met a boy of a different kind

We ruled the world,

Thought I'll never lose him out of sight

We were so young

I think of him now and then

I still hear the songs, reminding me of a friend…”

Alec intentionally changed the lyric. In the original song, it was ‘girl’. But he couldn’t stop thinking about Magnus. So his tongue and mind effortlessly changed it into a ‘boy’. All the ‘her’s to ‘him’s. Magnus was still on his mind. He couldn’t forget those dark chocolate eyes. His heart clenched as Magnus’s smiling face filled his memory. His voice broke, his eyes were glazed again. This time he sang the hook.

“Up on the hill across the blue lake

That's where I had my first heartbreak

I still remember how it all changed

My father said

Don't you worry, don't you worry child

See heaven's got a plan for you

Don't you worry, don't you worry now, yeah…”

Alec tried to play the techno beat that followed the hook in the original song but he missed a lot. So he went back to singing the hook the again, this time he replaced the word, from ‘father’ to ‘mother’. He could feel Maryse was smiling more. He could feel Oliver’s hand still on his leg. He felt happy. He felt like everything was better. Except that Magnus didn’t leave his mind at all.

148 – You can’t always get what you want

“You truly are a talented man. You sing so well.” Oliver and Alec walked to the gate after the visiting hour was over. Alec was on his feet with the crutches. Maryse had kissed him good night. The rest of the conversation with Maryse wasn’t anything but about music and childhood stories. She shamelessly shared Alec’s funny and embarrassing memories that he hadn’t much recollection of any more, with Oliver. Together they laughed. Oliver realized that even though Alec was happy to have Maryse back, he wasn’t exactly ready to get into the actual topic they needed to talk about. It seemed like Alec was desperately trying to hold on to the happiness of having his mother back and not taint the moment by talking about the past. What has happened has already happened.

“Thanks for the bandage,” Alec gave a polite smile, “And keeping the ruse and for not telling her anything.”

“I thought you’d want to end this day on a good note. I’m sure you’ll tell her if or when you feel so.” Oliver was considerate and quite handy with a suture kit for a psychiatrist.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence but I don’t think I’m ready to talk to her about everything. I need time to understand things myself, you know.” They were slowly walking down the corridor.

“I can only try to understand, Alec. I mean, I don’t know much about the case and Maryse came here with just her history. Your siblings never shared much either, other than…” Oliver bit his lip.

“Other than… What?” Alec obviously noticed the hesitance in his voice.

“I actually knew about you.” Oliver stopped walking and faced Alec.

“Knew about me?” Alec was confused.

“I knew you’re alive. I knew you were in coma and you just recovered… what 6 weeks ago?

“They told you?” Alec wasn’t much shocked, “Wait… you knew who I was and yet you asked for documents? You had to give me hard time huh?” he feigned anger.

Oliver bit his lip again, trying not to smile at Alec’s tone, “Okay, I’m sorry about that. I needed to do the procedure and make sure you exactly are who you claimed to be. I couldn’t just straight up trust you. Isabelle told me about you but I never saw you except those old photographs in the room.”

“That’s why all those questions?” Alec was biting his lip too. His eyes gave up that he was trying not to laugh, “Those were lame and stupid questions.”

“Sometimes lame and stupid works better, Alexander. I got the answers I wanted, you know.” Oliver gave a smile. Alec jumped at the name. He tried to gulp down the chocking feeling he got. He could hear Magnus’s voice, in back of his mind.

“How did you know the answers? Mum never talked right?” Alec enquired.

“It was Isabelle.” Oliver continued seeing Alec confused, “When Maryse came here as my patient, I had interviewed Jonathan and her for any kind of information they could share with me to help Maryse. That’s when I got to know about Max and you. Just like them, I was surprised too when she told me about you being well and alive. I had hoped to meet you and use you to trigger Maryse’s memory since then. But honestly, I didn’t hope for this outcome at all. I am more surprised than I’ve ever been in my whole professional life I think.”

Alec gave a small smile and a nod in return. Oliver continued, “Although her memory has surely befuddled me, I’m glad she’s okay. I’m happy that you’re here and you both are happy. It’s not always we get to see happy endings in cases like this.” Oliver smirked but Alec couldn’t reply. Magnus was back in his mind again.

Alec chided to himself more than to Oliver, “Yeah, you’re right about that. We don’t always get what we want. Like I didn’t think I’d be here tonight when I left home this morning.”

“Alec, as a professional, I’m just saying. Don’t take it as otherwise.” Oliver hesitated, “I’m here if you need me. I’d like to talk to you, about everything. I can only imagine what you’ve been through, being away from your loved ones for so long. So if you ever feel like talking, you can come by here. I’ll try my best to help you because, after everything, I think you might need it.”

“Umm, I like the offer. I’ll keep that in mind.” Alec didn’t expect it but was glad that Oliver offered. It’s something he hadn’t considered before but Magnus and he talked about it once. He had gotten angry when Magnus suggested that. He never thought of himself as mentally scarred or something for everything that happened but maybe it would be good to finally have someone to talk to without being judged. Maybe a professional help can actually help him.

“Just this morning I met the man who did this to us and promised that he’d never see the light of day ever again.” Alec started causing Oliver to look at him, “All through the day, I didn’t even dare to imagine mum’s reaction to see me. I got more than I bargained for. But, right now, I don’t think I wanna talk. I just want to be with mum. And I’m happy that she’s okay. But it’s still too much for me to process everything. So thanks for getting me out of there. I love her but right now, her enthusiasm is a bit too much. Way too many things have happened.”

“Hey… No pressure.” Oliver laid a hand on Alec’s upper arm, softly rubbing in slow circles. “I just wanted to give you an option. Do you mind if I ask you something?” They had reached the gate almost. Alec nodded in response.

“Do you have a relationship?” he asked and Alec’s head snapped at him, eyes wide, “I mean you aren’t exactly dead like everybody thought. So I’m guessing you lived under other pretenses. In that case, people mostly keep themselves away from any social engagements and that affects their lifestyle as well as their mentality. You don’t seem to have gone that far. That’s why I’m asking if you love someone or currently in a relationship or have had, maybe. Because this relationships, they actually help people to be grounded, to be more aware of the reality. You seem to be someone who lives in the real world.”

“Did you just psychoanalyze me or something?” Alec chuckled, to lighten the mood. The last thing he wanted was to have a break down for Magnus, “Because you’re pretty much right.” Oliver cocked an eyebrow at him, “I have a sort of family, you can say. I’ve had a boyfriend with whom I think I’ve just broken up less than 24 hours ago. So yeah, my life is pretty much real. It’s as real as it can get.”

“Okay,” Oliver caught up on Alec’s sarcasm, “Let’s just save this talk for another day, shall we?” he smiled, commending Alec’s effort to be able to talk about a very recent break-up. He couldn’t imagine what Alec must’ve been through. Isabelle had told him about their father and what he did to Maryse and Alec. So he pretty much was sure that Alec had gone to meet the father earlier that day. Just last night he had a break-up and now he just met his mom who changed a lot of things. He couldn’t imagine what’s going on in Alec’s head. “By the way, you should get that wound checked properly. I did the best I could. But I’ll still suggest you check in with your doctor.”  

Alec hummed and nodded, “Just one request if I can make.” Oliver stood to face him. His pale grey eyes intently watching Alec, “Don’t inform Jace and Izzy yet. I want to have some time with mum, get our stories straight. I want to know how much she knows or remember and why she did what she did. Once you inform them, they’ll come here running. They’ll try to take her away, preferably home. She’s still their mother. She’d have to go with them. And I’m not ready to face them yet. I need some time with her alone before I… I jump into this mess. Can you do that for me? Can you hold it back until I’m done? And also you’ll get time to clarify your questions too, right, gain some experience?”

Oliver chuckled, “You play a nasty game of bribery, Alec Lightwood, but I think I’ll take you up on that. If I tell them now, I’ll also have to answer a lot of questions. And honestly, I’m not ready to let her go yet, not without my answers. I’ll be doing a crime and your siblings can sue me anytime but I guess we’ll have to work together for now.” He winked. In reply, Alec gave a smile, a nod and a big hug.

Once Alec was in the car, Oliver said the last thing, “I guess we’ll meet soon. You have my number. Call me if you need something.” Alec and he said their goodbyes.

149 – Why not me

Magnus didn’t know how long he waited until his sight got black. He realized that the sun had set and the whole apartment was dark. He slowly got up on his feet, turned on a light and saw the watch. It was close to 9 pm.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he understood the meaning. Alec wasn’t coming home. Alec wasn’t coming back to him. Magnus felt lonely and weird in that apartment. He’d never stayed there without Alec. That place didn’t feel like home without Alec.

Madzie didn’t come either. So Magnus assumed that he’d missed her in the morning. Saturday was their thing. Madzie would come and spend the day with Alec. Those notes were all he had to comfort him that Alec was alive and somewhere. Maybe someday, sooner or later, he’d come home. But how long should he wait?

Alec told him to go home and make new memories. Magnus can only assume that by home, Alec meant his loft. But how did Alec expect Magnus to make new memories without him? Magnus supported him through anything and everything. That’s one time he made mistake, he got overwhelmed and ran. And Alec gave up on him. One time Magnus needed space and Alec gave him the ultimatum. Suddenly the sadness turned into anger. One time Alec couldn’t wait and forgive, could he?

Magnus was mad. He was mad at everything, his past, his vulnerability, his insecurity, his irrational thoughts, everything, but mostly, at Alec. He was angry that Alec didn’t wait for him, that he didn’t give him a chance… that he didn’t fight for him. He was absolutely angry that Alec gave up on them.

“Fuck you, Alec. Fuck everything. One time you couldn’t forgive me, huh! What about all those times I stayed for you? What about all the heartaches you caused me? One time I needed something and you couldn’t give me that. So fuck you, Alec Wayland.” Wiping fresh tears from face, Magnus shouted and yelled at the empty room, “Maybe, you’re right. No, wait… Actually, you are. I do deserve better than you. You hear me? I deserve better than you and I will get better than you. I came to say sorry. I came to tell you that I love you, that I was wrong to do what I did last night… that I made a mistake by walking out on you… that I was wrong to leave than stay and talk to you. But you couldn’t wait for me to slip up so that you could break up with me right? Well, guess what? You got what you wanted. You wanted me to react, huh? And when I did, you just abandoned me. Great… I was such a fool to think you’re any better. You are not. And you’ll never know how I feel about you. You will never ever know.”

Magnus turned on his heels to look around the room. The emptiness of that place was too much for him. He opened the door and stormed out, pulling the door behind him. He didn’t go for the elevator and sped through the stairs. He needed to run, to do something physical to exert his anger. So he left… again.

When Alec came out of the elevator of his apartment floor, he saw Magnus crossing the corridor, from his apartment door to the stairs. Before he could recover from the surprise and call, Magnus was gone. Alec was left to assume only the worst. He just saw Magnus running down the stairs.

Stunned, Alec got to his apartment door to see it half closed. He got in and saw Magnus’s apartment key on the side table. He looked at the dining table and saw the notes gone.

For a moment he had hoped that maybe he’d seen wrong, hoped that it wasn’t Magnus. But all the indications were there. Magnus came and left, leaving his key. Alec was a bit shocked to see that he only took his laptop and work documents. His clothes, belongings, photos, hair products, bottles of drinks, coffee mugs and all were left in their places. Probably Magnus didn’t want to take back anything related with Alec. With the man, Magnus left everything behind, the things and the memories.

Alec closed the bathroom door and slumped back on it. He finally let go of the exhaustion of the day. He let the dam break. He didn’t have any intention to stop his tears that night. He let them flow.  

150 – Delivering favors

Tuesday morning was eventful as Michael had come to stop by and demand answers. Alec knew he couldn’t hide anymore. He needed someone to talk to. So he spilled everything, from meeting Robert to finding Maryse. Michael was obviously shocked and had asked so many questions. Alec answered all of them truthfully except one, about Magnus. He told Michael that Magnus had gone to the office early. It was one thing Alec didn’t have any will left to talk about. He still needed to process how he saw Magnus leaving Saturday night.

It was Thursday night when he had reached the apartment door to see Catarina waiting there with a big bag in her arms. He was scared instantly. He felt Cat’s eyes follow him like a hawk as he opened the door and let her in. They didn’t say a word to each other before went inside to change and freshen up a bit. When he came out, he saw Cat was on the couch inspecting a photograph of Alec and Magnus that Magnus insisted on and had put on the side table. It was one of those marks Magnus had left of him. Alec took a deep breath and sat beside her.

“You’re walking again. How is your leg?” Cat was the first one to break the ice.

“It’s… better.” Alec didn’t dare to look at her.

“So… what happened?” Her tone was filled with hesitation.

“I really don’t wanna talk about it,” Alec sighed, “Especially not to you.”

“Why? What’s wrong with talking to me?”

“You’re… you’re his friend. I don’t know what he has told you of if he’s talked to any of you. But you should support him. All you friends are all he’s got. I really don’t want to talk to you so you feel you have to do something or whatever. Be there for him but let me be, please.” Alec mumbled monotonously.

“Let you be?” Cat was surprised and looking at him, “Alec, I’m your friend too. And I don’t know if you have anyone to share things right now. Let me help.”

“Don’t betray him, Catarina. I wouldn’t like him to lose a friend for me. He’s already been through a lot for me.” Alec was still looking down at his feet.

“You’re kidding me, right?” she turned sideways so she could face him properly, “Magnus is hurting and you know that. Then why aren’t you doing something? Why don’t you just call him and talk or ask him to come or go see him? Why aren’t you doing anything Alec? Do you also think Magnus isn’t worth it?”

Alec had to look up at her tone, “No, God, no. I’ll be dead before I’d think he isn’t worth it. Maybe he… he isn’t worth the hurt, Cat. I want him to be happy. And clearly, he can’t be happy with me. I can’t make him happy. He deserves more. He deserves someone who will understand him. He came here, took his things and left. He left his key behind. He didn’t wait for me. Isn’t that clear enough that he’s tired of me? He’d be hurt for a while but he’ll move on. He’ll understand that a pathetic joke like me isn’t worthy of his love, patience or attention. He’ll move on. You guys will help him. He will be fine, Cat.”

Catarina was silent. She was processing. Magnus hadn’t said a word since she met him on Sunday. He got obscenely drunk instead. He didn’t show any emotion at all. She was worried about him. Ragnor was worried about him. At least Alec’s words and Raphael’s story were something to shed some light in it. But she still didn’t understand why Magnus came back but didn’t wait. It didn’t seem like him at all. Magnus wasn’t someone who’d give up that easily. “Why did you ask me to not betray him?”

“Last time when we talked… he thought…” Alec was unsure to say how much, “It’s just a hunch, I guess. Everything was fine until… my past… relationships… came out. And also he had said something like that before he left. He doesn’t handle being lied to well, right? Well, he’s not wrong. I did lie to him. I didn’t tell him a lot of things. And when I did… I guess I can understand if he started to see things differently… see me differently… I’d understand him if that’s the case.” He had shrugged.

“So you’re giving up on him?” Cat was bewildered.

“He was never mine to keep, Cat. He was never mine to give up on. He’s a soul that deserves to be free. It’d be wrong to hold him back in with a bunch of lies. He doesn’t deserve that.” Alec was rubbing his temple. He didn’t want to break.

“I have no freaking idea what you’re talking about,” Cat had stood up suddenly, “because you keep talking in circles. I really wanna help Mags and you. But if you don’t want my help, that’s okay, I guess.”

“Good. Thanks for coming. Sorry I couldn’t help you.” Alec stood up too, thinking she was about to leave.

“Wait, I’m not done.” She said suddenly and Alec had to turn back with a questioning look. “I came here to deliver this.” She handed him the black bag she had come with.

“What’s this?” Alec was half scared that Magnus had sent something back that he had taken with him, mistakenly or not.

“It’s the suit Mags made for you, for the wedding. I hope you didn’t forget. It’s on this Sunday and you are coming.”

Alec had really hoped that he’d just send the gift and be done with it. He knew Magnus would be there. He didn’t want to be there and make a scene. “No. I can’t take that. And don’t worry. I’ll send the ‘Mr. and Mrs.’ wine I promised.”

“It’s not about the wine. I really want you to be there.”

“What about…” Alec shook his head not liking the idea.

“He let me deliver the suit right?” She cocked her head.

“That’s because he doesn’t wanna have anything of me left with him. Just leave it here if it’ll give him peace but no, I’m not going to the wedding.” Alec snarled.

“Please, Alec, I personally came to ask you. Also, I have another favor to ask.”

“No more favors, Cat. I don’t think I owe you more.” Alec was done with favoring anyone else ever in his life. One favor to Cat had already cost him Magnus. He didn’t wanna know what another favor will cost him.

“I know you don’t owe me anything. But I’m in trouble. We can’t find a live band for the wedding. I know, I know, the event manager was supposed to do that but she can’t find anyone either, in such short notice. And you sing so well Alec. I heard your songs from Magnus. I have a song I always wanted to be sung by someone at my wedding, live. Please, Alec, I beg you. I’ll be in your debt forever, please.” Cat sure knew how to make puppy eyes.

“No.” Alec shook his head, “Nope, I can’t do this. I’ll see if I can find someone free to do that but I won’t do it myself.” He was determined not to give in.

“Please, Alec. I promise I’ll never ask anything from you ever again. One last time please, only just 2 days left. Please, Alec. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Please.” Cat practically begged. Alec couldn’t help but melt a little.

Alec thought for some time. After all, it’s a wedding. Cat had a dream. He couldn’t crush that dream of her. “Let him know beforehand. Let him be prepared. I don’t wanna surprise him.” He grumbled.

“Does that mean…?” she looked gleefully and Alec sighed, “Oh my God, thank you, Alec. You’re a savior. I’ll tell him that you’ll be there. But Alec, why don’t you take the chance?” she asked after she had calmed down a bit.

“No. I’m not taking any chances at all. I’ll see you there on Sunday. Message me the address and the time.”

Alec and Cat had held a stare for some time, both not wanting to back down easily. But Cat gave in, “Fine. I’m just happy that you’ll be there. Thanks, I’ll see you there too. Bye.”

And she was gone, leaving Alec with a black bag which he opened to see the most beautiful suit ever.

To be continued...