Chapter Text
Present Day
Remus sits on the couch, staring at the ground. “He…he put something in my drink.”
Sirius comes and kneels in front of him a few inches away. “I think. Remus—”
“I met you?” Remus says, looking up. Sirius’ face is blurred from tears. “I—I can’t—I can’t remember. I don’t…”
But he remembers something. He remembers a burn, and blood and crying on his bus home and—no Sirius. No memory of that party, no memory of David from that night. His breath knocks out of him half sob. “I don’t remember anything.”
He closes his eyes against how scary that is.
Sirius starts to reach out to him, then stops, instead resting his thumb on the very edge of the outside of Remus’ socked foot, rubbing gently. “Remus, tell me how I’m help you.”
It’s a poor choice of words right now and Remus is so scared, so confused and surprised, that his reply is out of his mouth before he realizes what he’s saying. “You should have helped me then.”
He knows that isn’t fair—it isn’t fair at all—because he’s the one always refusing help. He knows what he would have done if Sirius had tried to fight David on taking Remus away that night. Drugged or not, he would have gone with David. Because he may not remember the night in detail, but he remembers the timing. He had been days away from getting evicted. He wanted to call what Sirius had done a lie. Everything in him was angry. But he couldn’t.
“You kept this from me.” He rasps.
Sirius lets out a breath and drops his head into his hands, fingers digging into his hair. “Remus. Remus, I’m know. So sorry, baby, so sorry.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?” Remus feels like he’s hearing through cotton.
“Yes.” Sirius nods quickly, his eyes red when they look back to Remus. “Yes, I’m find way, but—so mad at me for even get present in beginning, for even want to help because I love you…how—” Sirius voice chokes off and his chest heaves like he can’t breathe. “How I’m tell you we meet because I want to help and—and we not even know together! Each other, I mean…”
Remus shakes his head, hands closing into tight fists. “You—you let me sleep with you…you payed me. How does that keep me from what you were trying to—what, fucking save me from?”
“No, no, Remus, try keep you safe. Want to keep you safe from men like David. Men who hurt. If I’m take up time, make sure you have enough money, don’t need to take bad job. I…” Sirius closes his eyes for a minute, letting out breath. “I sleep with you because…because I…selfish. Is right word? You are beautiful and kind and—and want you close. Think you not stay if I not make it real.” Sirius looks down. “You forget…You aren’t only one hurting when we meet.”
Remus didn’t forget. He couldn’t. His heart feels heavy whenever he thinks about it, how alone Sirius was.
Remus sniffs at that, pressing his palms into his eyes. “I…Sirius.” He looks up, holding his hands up helplessly. “Sirius.”
Sirius takes the hint of an opportunity and pushes himself forward, knees pressed between Remus’ feet, hands splayed on his thighs. “I’m never hurt. Remushya, I’m never hurt. I love you from first saw you. Not joke, Remus. I love you.” Sirius presses up on his knees, hands cupping Remus’ neck in such a tender way that Remus lets out a sob. “I’m not try to save. Baby, you are so strong, not need saving. I’m so sorry—most regret for my life is not take you away first night, New Years. Most sorry.”
Remus shakes his head. “I wouldn’t have gone with you. I—” Remus’ breath hitches. “I’m not—Sirius…”
“What?” Sirius says tenderly. thumbs gentle on the soft skin just below Remus’ ear. “Can tell me every thing.”
Remus shakes his head, pressing his hands over Sirius’. Sirius’ face lights up for a moment until Remus holds them and pushes them away from his face and back towards Sirius. Until he rises, stepping out of Sirius’ reach. “I…I’m not—I…” Remus’ turns away, face crumbling as his breathing gives him away. He wipes angrily at his sticky cheeks. “I don’t know right now.”
There’s a long stretch of silence that Remus at first takes as Sirius not knowing what to say, but when it ends with a wet exhale and a sharp sniff, Remus realizes it was Sirius crying. Remus’ heart clenches and he turns back around. Sirius’ face looks as broken down as his, and he nods without looking at Remus.
“Yes. Okay.” He chokes out, and then disappears from the room. He stays in the apartment though, which Remus is thankful for.
Remus stumbles back to the couch and more falls into it than sits. He feels cold settle into him instantly and presses his hands to his neck right where Sirius’ had been, arms crossed over his chest. He closes his eyes and tries to breathe. He hasn’t felt this sort of cold in a long time, forgotten what it was like. He doesn’t know how he ever survived being used to such a chill.
He makes a list in his head and tries to breathe.
He met Sirius. He was drugged by David and Sirius had helped him outside. Sirius had let him go, suspecting he was drugged. Sirius had been working for David at the time. Sirius had tried to get David to let Remus go home. Remus had voluntarily went with David, also suspecting something was not right.
Remus hadn’t stop himself. Why should he expect a stranger to do it?
He thinks about Sirius the first night in the hotel suite, what Remus had thought to be their first meeting. He was so gentle. It had taken Remus so horribly off guard. He remembers how scared he was, liking the way Sirius felt, the way Sirius was, so much.
He feels so—happy that he’s allowed to love Sirius now, allowed to love him the way Remus is fairly sure he loved him immediately. That first day in suite number twelve.
He won’t end that. He won’t end this.
Sirius is sitting at the end of their bed. He’s already looking up when Remus walks in, no doubt having heard him shuffling down the hall. His eyes are red and glassy, cheeks damp, and hair a mess from pulling at it. As Remus walks towards him he looks like he’s holding his breath in an attempt not to cry, but his lip is trembling and his eyes are so full of tears that the second he has to blink, they betray him.
Remus reaches forward, palms on his cheeks, brushing them away. It’s like the touch breaks him. Sirius’ next breath is a sob.
“So sorry, Remus.” His head tilts into Remus’ palm like he can’t hold himself up. “Please—not leave.”
Remus shushes him softly and kneels before him, a mirror of how Sirius was not a half hour ago. “Me too. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it. I—Sirius, you didn’t know me. I can’t expect those things of you. That isn’t fair.”
Sirius shakes his head, knuckles trailing lightly over Remus’ cheeks like he’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen. “Should have protect—”
“You did.” Remus’ voice shook. “You protected me for months and I never even realized. That means you weren’t doing it for anything… any gain. You were doing it for me.” He leans up on his knees, and Sirius stoops enough so that he can bring their foreheads together. “You showed me that I deserve good things in my life. That I can let people…help.” He swallows over his dry throat. “And maybe I’m still struggling with that. I am still struggling with that, but…If there’s one thing I’m sure of, its that you’re good. Sirius, you’re good, and I deserve you.” Remus curls his hands into Sirius’ hair, holding him close. “And I’ve never been able to say these things. Never in my life. And now…I can only say them—I can only say that I deserve good because of you. Because you protected me from the bad. I shouldn’t have yelled. I won’t leave, not if you don’t want me to.”
“Don’t want.” Sirius says quickly. smoothing his hands down Remus’ shoulders.
Remus nods, “Okay.” He leans down, silently asking. “Okay.”
Sirius obliges, tilting his chin up and kissing him hard. He makes a soft noise into it and presses their lips together like he can’t get close enough.
“Hate fight.” Sirius sighs.
Remus winces. “Me too. Let’s not do that.”
Sirius laughs wetly. “Yes, not do that.”
The funny thing is, Remus sort of believes it. He knows that’s what couples do, he’s seen James and Lily enough times, but…God. He believes it. Even if they do fight, he can’t imagine being angry with Sirius for more than five minutes.
“Want to know something?” Sirius breathes.
“Hm?”
“Think you’re beautiful first time I’m see you. Tell me room so hot. I’m think he’s hot.”
Remus huffs out a little laugh. “I think I knew that.”
“Just tell you again, anyway.” He kisses Remus’ damp cheek. “Beautiful when smile, beautiful when cry. Always beautiful. Come?”
Remus pushes himself up from his knees and lets Sirius gather him against his chest, hands on his hips. He wraps his legs around Sirius’ waist and tucks his face against his neck, breathing in. Sirius is warm and Remus feels a sour guilt in his chest ever doubting him, even for a moment. Sirius’ hand rubs up and down his back.
“What you want to do? Just relax, go walk, desert, go sleep. Open Christmas present?”
Remus laughs for real this time because of course. “Christmas is tomorrow.”
Sirius presses a kiss to the corner of Remus’ mouth. “Good present, though.” He smiles when Remus does and squeezes his hips. “Point is…know what we doing before…”
Remus nods. The clean bill of health, which meant…
“Telling you, emotion thing happen. Not have to do now. Have whole lives. Want you happy. Comfortable.” Sirius winces, smiling a little. “Hard word to say.”
Remus kisses him hard. “That.” He gasps, before leaning in again. “That is why I love you. Right there.”
Sirius hums into the kiss and Remus reaches between them, tucking his fingers beneath the hem of Sirius’ shirt.
“I want to.” He whispers, and presses his fingers up his chest. He can feel the cool metal of the ring there. “I want you.”
Remus feels Sirius shiver against him, just a little. “Whatever you want.”
Remus brushes their lips together, barely. “Take off your shirt.”
Sirius hurries to comply, reaching behind his head to tug the material free. “Next?” He smiles.
“I’m giving all of the instructions here?”
Sirius’ grin widens, his eyebrow cocks up a little. “My turn?”
Remus hums in approval.
“Take off my ring.” Sirius pulls his bottom lip into his mouth for a moment. “Put on.”
And then it’s Remus’ turn to shiver. He takes the chain between his fingers and tugs it over Sirius’ head, getting caught on his ears a moment and making them both laugh. It dangles between them, and Remus thinks about the first time he ever saw the ring. How he thought it had meant that Sirius was married, and how he’d had to deny to himself that his hopes had fallen. And then finding out what it really meant, that night in bed when he’d felt someone’s full attention for the first time in a long time, and not on his status, but on him.
Remus slips it over his head and it falls to the center of his chest. It’s warm from Sirius’ skin.
Sirius’ eyes are glued to it and his lips are parted like he’s trying to draw in air. “Nice.” He says softly, and Remus laughs.
“Yeah?”
Sirius nods. He hooks his fingers into the chain and tugs Remus closer with it. “I’m think about for long time.”
Remus leans down to kiss Sirius’ bare shoulder, right where the chain would usually rest, and then over the hard muscle there. Sirius’ voice is still a little thick from crying, and Remus wants to change that, wants to make it so all he knows is that Remus loves him.
“I’ll wear it whenever you want.” Remus kisses up his neck, over his adam’s apple, and up the other side of his jaw.
“Only necklace?” Sirius says, smile in his voice. His fingers creep up Remus’ shirt and then pushes it all the way off, making the necklace bounce back against his chest. He tucks his fingers into the waist of Remus’ pants almost immediately. “Want to see you.”
The rest of their clothes come off easy and the sheets get untucked and kicked down and then they’re in their own world, skin to skin. There’s no break or fumbling with packages. Remus’ hands fit into the jut of Sirius’ hip bones, before smoothing over to rest in the small of his back, pressing.
He could feel where Sirius was hard against his hip, warm and heavy.
“Remus.” Sirius says against his cheek and ruts softly. “Still okay?”
“You don’t have to ask.” Remus whispers back, and pushes at Sirius’ shoulders until he can flip them so he’s on top. “I’ll tell you, I will, but…I’m pretty sure I’ll always want you.”
Sirius sounds little breathless and he reaches between them, hands soft. “Just us.” He says.
Remus nods.
Sirius huffs out a little laugh. “Still need lube.” He laughs again when Remus groans. Sirius flips them back and starts to lean away. Remus holds him tighter. “Have to let go, I’m make it worth it.”
Sirius reaches for the bedside drawer, there’s a click of a cap, and then he’s back, and his mouth is hot on Remus’.
“Show you what you deserve, baby.” He breathes, and his fingers toy behind Remus’ balls, thumb rubbing gently at the base of his cock. It drives Remus insane. “Slow.” He whispers against Remus’ temple. “Gentle.”
Remus feels like his heart is trying to punch out of his chest, but he manages to tug Sirius down for a kiss just as he slips a finger inside him.
He gasps. “Not—not too slow and gentle, though.”
Sirius grins. “No?” He adds another finger.
Remus thinks about it for a second. Sirius is always so gentle, so loving. And Remus loves it. It was practically revolutionary for him when they first met, to be handled and treated with so much love. But—But he wants—
“I want to feel you.” He says, voice pitching when Sirius’ fingers speed up, just a little. “I want to feel you now, just you. And I want to feel you after.”
Sirius closes his eyes and drops their foreheads together. “Remus.”
“Fuck me, Rushya.”
Sirius lets out a breath and he leans back onto his knees, spread with Remus’ hips between them. He grips his cock, which is red and leaking pre-come onto their sheets. He gives it a few strokes, and then its shiny from the lube left on his fingers. Remus’ chest is tight with want, and he grabs his own cock, pressure firm around the base. He doesn’t want this to be over. Not for a while. The deep flush that’s working itself from Sirius’ neck to his chest really isn’t helping things.
Sirius’ eyes are dark, but the slow smile on his face is loving and almost excited. He’s the picture of lust.
“I’m take care.” He takes hold of Remus’ legs and spreads his knees wider before wrapping them around his own waist and holding them there. “Hold on tight, baby.”
Remus swears under his breath as the tip nudges at his hole. Because there’s nothing separating them. Remus can feel the warm wetness where Sirius is leaking, he can feel the hot blunt head, but all he can look at is Sirius’ face. It’s tilted down, like he’s putting everything he has into this slow slide, but his lips are parted like he’s a second away from snapping his hips forward.
The thing is, Remus kind of wants this first glide to go on forever. He also kind of just wants Sirius to go for it.
The thing is, it really shouldn’t make that much of a difference. A thin, sheen of plastic or no plastic. It’s barely a barrier at all. Except it is.
Sirius finally bottoms out, and Remus pushes himself up on his elbows to look. He moans and falls back against the sheets.
“Fuck me.”
“Is plan.” Sirius says and, like he’s read Remus’ mind, goes for it.
He can’t help the sounds that are punching out of his lungs. Sirius has reduced him to little breathy sounds and pleas of his name that are slowly getting louder. Sirius presses his hands beneath Remus’ back and buries his face in Remus’ neck and then he’s that much deeper, quicker. Sirius snaps his hips forward and all Remus can do is hold onto him and press kisses to every piece of skin he can reach. He can hear the bed nudging against the wall. He can feel the neckless against his chest and his heart pounding in his ears…and Sirius. Warm and pure.
“солнце.” Sirius gasps. “Can’t—”
“Come.” Remus scrapes his teeth against Sirius’ skin with the word.
Sirius’ back is slick as Remus tries to press him deeper, but Sirius gets the message. He pushes in and holds, grinding his hips there until he’s shaking and falling apart in Remus’ arms. He makes a noise, muffled by Remus’ skin. Remus can’t say anything at all, just gasp for air. He’s so close to the edge and he hasn’t even been touched yet. It feels a little like he’s already come, feeling Sirius spill into him, even though his cock is still a deep red at the tip and throbbing between them. He’s sure he’s never been so hard in his life.
It has to hurt a little, but Sirius keeps pushing his slowly softening cock into Remus, breath ragged against Remus’ throat.
“You come like this.” Sirius says, pushing Remus’ hands away when he goes for his erection. “You come from me inside you.”
Remus makes a high noise in his throat. “Oh god.”
Sirius breathes harshly, but he doesn’t relent. Remus’ body draw taught, his cock jumping nearly painfully against his stomach, and he comes and comes.
Sirius collapses against his chest with a groan and the pressure against his cock makes Remus jolt, but it feels like his orgasm is going on forever.
Sirius sucks bruising kisses into his neck and jaw and lets him ride it out with a loose hand around him, keeping Remus gasping until he jerks away, too sensitive.
“Fuck.” Remus pants, and then again. “Fuck.”
“Love you.” Sirius says into his skin.
Remus sighs blissfully and throws his arms around Sirius’ neck. “I love you. Fuck, you’re so hot, you’re so good. I love you so much.”
Sirius is beaming when he pulls back, proud and sweet. Stray strands of his hair are sticking to his temples. Remus has to lean forward and kiss the sheen of sweat at his throat.
~
They talk until it’s getting light outside. They talk about everything and nothing at all. At 1:33, Sirius remembers.
He gathers Remus to him with a little sound of realization. “Christmas, Remushya. Happy Christmas.” Then he makes an even louder sound and nearly shouts the word, “Present!” and rolls out of bed.
“Hey—” Remus laughs as he watches Sirius’ naked butt disappear down the hallway. “This is my present.”
“So many present!” Sirius voice comes from down the hall. Remus thinks he’s in his office. He distantly hears a drawer shut. It’s another few moments before Sirius reappears. He’s balancing what looks like ten packages, butt naked, and grinning over the top of them. “For my солнце.”
Remus’ heart flops in his chest. “What does that mean?”
Sirius thinks for a moment, dropping all the presents on the bed. The boxes bounce in odd directions. “Sun. But…cute sun? Baby sun? Like baby…warm…puppy…summer…” He shrugs, giving up and climbing onto the bed. “Don’t know.”
“Puppy sun.” Remus repeats, laughing. “I’ll take that, I guess.”
Sirius climbs behind him, leaning back among the pillows, and pulls Remus back against his chest. He hands him a box.
“Open first.”
“This is way too much. I only gave you…” Remus sighs, but he’s smiling and he snuggles back against Sirius.
Sirius presses a kiss to his neck, fingers running over his necklace that Remus is still wearing. “Nothing too much for you. You give me piece of home and most love ever have. Nothing too much for you, baby.”
Remus has to turn around and kiss him, and it takes a few more minutes for them to actually get to the gifts.
The first package is a series of maps. One details all of the best places to get pancakes in New York, another Donuts, and a third Pizza. Remus laughs. It isn’t at all what he expected.
“We have to use these before your next trip.”
Sirius nods. “Yes. Must.” He slides another box over to Remus.
The next few boxes are filled with other little, thoughtful things. The pair of shoes Remus looked at through the window every time they passed that one shop on the way to their favorite brunch place. Soft t-shirts that are like the ones Sirius has that Remus always stole, thick socks because Remus’ feet are always cold and Sirius always groans when Remus presses his toes against his calves when they’re in bed. A book called A Beginner’s Guide to the Russian Language. Remus starts to open that one right away, but Sirius laughs and makes him finish opening first. He pouts just a little. He’s been wanting to try and meet Sirius half way with the language barrier for a long time now.
“Privet.” He says instead, because it’s really one of the only words he can comfortably say. Then he says I love you, because it’s the only other thing he knows, even though he’s pouting. Sirius laughs at him and presses a kiss to his temple.
“All you can say is ‘hi, love you’ to me? Not bad life.”
Remus elbows him gently in the ribs.
When he comes to the last gift, though, he’s speechless.
Remus pulls the tissue paper aside to reveal a messenger bag. It’s the softest leather Remus has ever felt, a light tan, and roomy, but not bulky. He runs a hand over it, and feels a lump form in his throat when he reaches the top.
R. J. LUPIN is imprinted in gold into the leather just near the handle. Remus traces it with his fingers quietly.
Sirius rests his chin on Remus’ shoulder, fingers splayed on Remus’ ribs, thumbs rubbing softly. “Like?”
Remus nods. “Sirius…”
“For school, yes? Whenever you ready, want you to be—prepare.” He presses a kiss to Remus’ shoulder blade. “Open.”
Remus laughs softly because of course. He unbuckles the straps carefully and flips the weighty flap back. Inside are beautifully bound notebooks and a pack of Remus’ favorite pens—a cheap brand that he’s always bought because the ink never clumps.
“You were really paying attention, huh?”
Sirius hums. “Need new ones, you chew all the tops.”
“True.” Remus laughs and pulls out the last thing in the bag. At first, he thinks they’re envelopes, but then he gets a good look at them.
They’re plane tickets. To Russia.
Remus turns so he can see Sirius’ face. He’s chewing his lip nervously, eyes on Remus.
Sirius smiles, a little shakily. “Is next trip I’m talk about. Plan for us. Hope…Hope you come, too? Meet family. Mama, Papa, brother, Regulus. They…” Sirius swallows and Remus feels his hold on him get a little tighter. “They not know about me. Want to tell them, but…Is bad thing in Russia, to be gay. Not good at all. I’m know they not—they not be happy…So, want you there. Want them to know you, boy I love, before they decide. If never want see me again, okay, at least I’m try hardest. I’m…I’m hope it help them.” He tries to smile again, when it falls. “Also, want to show you home. My home.”
“Rushya…” Remus carefully lays aside the bag and the books and the clothes in favor of turning in Sirius’ arms and pressing against him. “Of course I’ll come with you.” He presses their lips together. “Of course I want to meet them. I…I want to learn everything about you.”
Sirius’ smile, although paired with glassy eyes, is bright. “Yes?” He presses a stray curl of Remus’ hair back from his face. “Is perfect because before I’m go back for work and before you start think about applications. I’m show you Moscow, I’m take you to dacha, little house for summer. You love, just us there, and water and sun…and bed.”
Remus smiles. “You take me to places like that too much and I’ll never want to do anything else.”
Sirius leans down to kiss him. “Is fine with me.”
Remus lets Sirius kiss him until he’s a little dizzy with it and he’s sure that if he hadn’t come harder than he ever had in his life a few hours ago, he’d be looking to go again.
“Sirius.” He says after a moment, peppering a few more kisses before pulling back. “Even…Even if it doesn’t go well with your family…” Remus swallows, thinking of his own parents, of how his father had turned him out of the house without even letting him gather anything. About how his mother had simply turned away. He can’t imagine what he would’ve done without James being there for him, what he would’ve done if he’d had to go through that alone. “You have me.” Remus strokes his thumb over Sirius’ bottom lip. “And you have James and Lily, too, if you’d like, and you have Sergei and the girls and…and you’re loved by so many people. Okay?”
Sirius nods, smile soft. “Mean more than anything, you know? Can be…me. You love me for it. Is true to you, too, baby.”
Remus nods, silently adoring Sirius in the dim, warm light of their bedroom, the light touch of his fingers on his skin. He doesn’t know how anything could get better than this, but he has a feeling it will. He wants everything with Sirius, even the ups and downs.
“I know that now.” Remus says. “Because of you.”
And he might call Remus the sun but, looking at Sirius now, Remus has never seen anything so bright.