Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It is the same odious day like every day. The birds making the same annoying sounds, the light hurting my eyes and my mother nagging at me as soon as I leave my room. I can already hear her ranting about me. God knows why I’m still living at home. Guess because no one else would take me in and secondly because I’ve got no money. Fact was that right now I should be at Senior High School but since I had difficulties getting up early today I just let it be… but my mother unfortunately doesn’t. I can’t count how many times the school called home and not having a father made her only more strict. Not that I care…

“Tadashi! Look at you! Not again with this hair! And for goodness sake! How often do I have to tell you to get rid of these disgusting piercings!”

“Good morning mum.” I simply answer and take a seat at the small kitchen table. Breakfast time. My leather jacket makes sounds with each move I take, the metal belt around my hips and jewellery on my arms only add to the noise in the kitchen. I got an undercut and the rest of my blond hair usually hangs into my eyes. I stopped counting the rings in my ears and the only piercings I clearly recall are the one ring through my nose and the other one right side of my bottom lip…. Thank goodness she doesn’t know of the nipple piercings. That’s what you get for having a punk as a son.

OF COURSE no school allows such an appearance and believe me I would be the happiest person on earth if school would eternally expel me but they let me be because the principles are happy when I attend school and I only attend the way I am. That’s it.

She puts down a plate with one slice of toast in front of me and stops. I’m not looking at her because I’m still too tired and not in the mood for another nagging.

“Tadashi,” she says this time with a calm voice. “Please, at least leave with your school uniform. Can you at least do me that favour?”

You know, I maybe a rebel but I'm no asshole. I know whose money buys me food. So reluctantly I change jackets before leaving the house. Thank god the jacket is black too.

It's too bright outside and the air too clean. I put on my sunglasses and earphones in; punk rock, of course. At least I sneaked out with my Doc Martens on. And since the first lesson is almost over I take my time to the subway station. Tokyo. I hate the traffic and its noise. Well at least we’re living far outside. In a suburb area of a suburb if you want to call it like that. My high school is nothing fancy, ordinary people and people like me, poor and without perspective. I’m 18 years old and already repeated two classes because I admit I’m too lazy to learn. For what anyway? I’ve got difficulties with disciplinarians and an ordinary pays-the-rent-job is an absolute no go for me. Something unusual would be great… I tried to persuade my mother to pay for music lessons. Don’t know, playing bass or drums but she blocked it right away because of the money. So that’s it. That’s how my days look like, weeks, months. I cannot recall if it was ever any different.

I arrived at the station which is still too full at 10 am. I’m leaning against the wall of the underground station… I love that song. That bass together with these drums. I’m tapping the beat with my boots, looking down to the ground. I’m hanging more on my shoulder bag than my shoulder bag hangs on me. The wind plays with the long golden strand of my hair. Bored I’m looking to the display panel, checking when then next train is due. My gaze wanders over all these disguised people, puppets in the name of state. All so bored of life and work… I could puke only by looking at them. And no one dares to say a word, to protest or do something different. All are beautifully swimming with the current so why don’t they all get over with life and kill themselves? The children which they do put into this world only have to live through the same shit as well…. I will never understand society.

Tadashi looked down to his mp3-player to turn the music louder. He looked up when a heavy wind from the incoming train tosseled his hair and he pushed himself away from the wall. Again he looked down to ignore all these starring people but something in between this moving blackness of people got his attention. Something white. There was really somebody wearing something white in between all this darkness. Must be a religious freak or something. Tadashi took one empty seat and dozed the way to his destination.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In front of the school gate he greeted some friends from school, all rowdies or punks like him. With similar clothes, body modifications, way of thinking.... and similar to the boys were most of the girls. Cheap, overly sexy and easy to have. Not that Tadashi cared anyway.

“Yo man. Late again?” One of his buddies named Takashi asked.

“Look who’s talking.”

“Ooooh, bad mood. Got it.” Takashi saluted and went his way.

Stares again but he couldn’t care less. In fact he was even kind of proud of it. The few sane guys who remained at school tried to keep a safe distance and the masochistic girls who are into rough guys were whispering with each other and smiling. So in time for his second class Tadashi slumped down onto his chair at the back of the room and he listened to the nagging teacher at the front, trying to tell him something about responsibility and society. Tadashi was quite amused about his little speech and started doodling into his notebook.

At the end of the day he needed to stay longer because of classroom services, such as cleaning and other boring stuff. Usually he ‘persuaded’ the other fellow whom he shared tasks with but this time it was a shy girl from class and for Christ’s sake he swept out the god-damn room. More hurried than clean he dashed the broom stick into the closet and left the building. It was already dark outside. The wind carried a note of autumn and the nights started to get colder. Thank goodness annoying summer is over, Tadashi thought. During summertime he always died of heat with his boots and leather clothes.

The same boring way back to the subway station but the loud music in his ears made it somehow bearable. Tadashi sat down on a bench… train was due in 2 minutes. Perfect. The song ended and just before the next song started to play he heard somebody whimpering in the distance. In reflex he turned his head around and saw three strange guys cornering a little girl in the back of the subway station. And when even Tadashi thought these guys were strange that meant they were REALLY strange.

The next song started to play… he listened to it for five seconds but then he pulled out his earphones and stood up.

“Leave me alone please.” The little person stammered.

“Come on cutie! You can’t walk around that fancy and simply shrug us off?”

The other two guys laughed menacingly while the third already lifted his hand to touch the delicate person on the shoulder. But the man stopped in his tracks when Tadashi grabbed his filthy hand from behind.

“Do we have a problem here?”

The guy pulled his arm away and their attentions went to Tadashi who’d showed up behind them.

“That’s none of your business!”

“Yeah!” The guys bellowed.

“But now it is. I don’t think that this young Lady appreciates your filthy attention. So go fish.”

“What the-“ The guy pulled up his fists but before he was able to hit Tadashi, the blond turned out of his direction and gave him a hit with his elbow, sending him straight down to the ground. The other two men started attacking him. He kicked the second one into his balls and the third one a punch into the face. That was just enough to distract them. Tadashi dashed forward, grabbed the girl’s tiny wrist and pulled her away from the corner, running with her out the subway station into a side streets. Tadashi kept on running and the little person behind him tried to keep his pace. The blond stopped a few streets away when they were surely out of reach of the guys. He turned around and found the fragile person breathing heavily from their fast run, leaning with her hands on her tights, head down towards the ground.

Now was the first time Tadashi had a chance to glimpses the person. A long sleeved, tight sports shirt and comfortable sport trousers… all in white. He remembered that color from this morning. Can it be? Only now he saw the sports bag hanging around her shoulders and over her chest… which was completely flat. Tadashi was surprised and then the ‘girl’ looked up.

“I’m sorry for the trouble.” The strange person bowed down. “Thank you for your selfless help.”

Tadashi shook his head. “No problem.”

“I know I shouldn’t go out dressed like this late at night but I was late from training.”

Tadashi only nodded and by the voice of ‘her’ he now completely realized that ‘she’ was actually a guy but a very delicate one… and looked rather gay to him. To be perfectly honest Tadashi wanted to leave. Leaving him behind and walking to the next station to keep out of trouble but he simply couldn’t leave that helpless person behind. Right now he felt responsible. He didn’t want to read about a rape incident in the next morning paper.

Tadashi made a motion with his hand. “Let’s walk to the next train station.”

“Thank you very much.” The young boy next to him bowed politely and by his looks, speech and behavior Tadashi could tell that the boy was well off. Tadashi turned slightly aside to fish out his cigarettes from his pockets and caught the boy taking glimpses of him and then turning away shyly…. Must be his appearance.

“Bet you never thought a guy like me helping a stranger.” Tadashi tried to break the silence which had become awkward because the little boy was more than dead-shy.

“I must confess I was quite surprised.” He answered in polite speech.

“Just in case some police officer asks you… I’d be grateful if you don’t bring up my name.” Tadashi answered.

“Sure but… I don’t even know your name.”

Tadashi let out a puff of smoke. He didn’t want to be impolite. “Tadashi. And you?”

“Arimura Ryutaro. Happy to make your acquaintance.”

Tadashi smiled strangely at himself. “Jeez, you always talking like that?”

The younger boy looked like being slapped across the face.

“Hey, no offence. Just wondered.”

“I see.” Ryutaro nodded. “Is it far to the next station?”

What kind of a question was that? Tadashi grew up all around here so he knew that the next station was just around the corner. “You don’t travel often by train?”

Ryutaro shook his head and answered shyly. “Usually I get a ride to school.” The blond lifted up his head in acknowledgement. Strike. He guessed right.

“So…..” Tadashi turned aside and looked down on Ryutaro who was one and a half head’s smaller than him. “Being dressed fancy and all that… what kind of school?”

Ryutaro looked up at him and beamed. “It’s the state ballet school.”

Tadashi gawked. “Eeeeh? That’s rare. Never met someone from ballet school before.”

It was no wonder since he never came around in those kinds of circles.

“Don’t take this personal but aren’t dancers supposed to be very tall?”

Ryutaro looked down to his hands and the same moment Tadashi felt guilty for asking... he usually never felt guilty for asking anything.

“I know. I wish to be taller… like you! How tall are you?”

“I’m 1,90 meters tall.”

“So huge! Me being so small I’m often dancing transgender roles.”

Tadashi tried not to roll his eyes because he already could have guessed.

“That’s very…. challenging, I guess.”

Ryutaro nodded and at the same time they arrived at the subway station.

“How many stops do you…” Tadashi asked.

“Three.”

“I have to get off later. I will accompany you during the train ride.”

“Oh you really don’t have to! And besides these guys surely already left and-“ Ryutaro stopped when he got a glare from Tadashi. Not only that he looked dangerous with his appearance he also had an intimidating vibrancy.

“Thank you.” Ryutaro added and Tadashi went into the standing train behind Ryutaro.

There they sat next to each other in an almost empty wagon. At the opposite side of them they were able to see their reflections in the dark window. Ryutaro sat as stiff as a bamboo while Tadashi leaned his head back against the window behind him and closed his eyes.

No one said a word and Tadashi was perfectly fine with it. Only Ryutaro seemed uncomfortable about the silence but Tadashi simply ignored it. When Ryutaro’s stop was next he shifted uneasy on his seat and finally got up. Tadashi opened his eyes and observed him hanging his sports bag around his chest again. Ryutaro turned around and bowed politely.

“Thank you again for your help and I’m really sorry for the trouble.”

“Was no trouble at all.” Tadashi answered. Then the train stopped and Ryutaro got off. He jumped outside the wagon and Tadashi saw him running out of the subway station to get home fast… strange guy. Tadashi always thought he knew all sorts of strange but this was something different. Poor rich guy.

Surely isn’t used to much contact because his parents forced him to attend all kind of classes since he was a little child. He must be perfectly unable to make contact or to defend himself… and he dances ballet. Poor guy, really.

About half an hour later, Tadashi went off the train and made his way home. He could hardly wait to listen to his mother’s complains.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Weeks went by and Tadashi didn't see Ryutaro again. Then a month and he’d already forgotten about him. The first snow had already fallen and his shaved head and pierced ears were freezing from the mean cold. But he would rather die than wearing something embarrassing around his head. He was proud to show off as a punk although his leather jacket was way too inadequate for this time of year.

He walked stubbornly through the streets of Shibuya, looking for new and better headphones. Christmas presents you buy yourself were the best anyway. He chose some beautiful black ones with a lot of bass boost and happily made his way to the main station of Shibuya. On his way he stopped at the main meeting point of the station where rowdies and punks used to meet. Acquaintances and old know faces from school. They clasped his shoulders, offered him a cigarette and some booze. They looked at his newly bought headphones and made fun of him being newly rich or something. Tadashi laughed and looked up to one of the entrances of the station when he saw a familiar figure leaning against the wall. That moment their gazes met and in reflex Tadashi stopped laughing. Now memories came back and in an instant the guys around him realized their buddy gazing into the distance.

“Oi Tadashi! What you’re looking at?” One of the punks realized and the others followed his gaze.

“That your new girl?” Another one asked.

“Shut up guys!” Tadashi turned his head away and tried to ignore the mocking. But in reflex he looked back to the small boy. Ryutaro was dressed in a long white coat with a huge hoodie which was trimmed with white fur, matching gloves and winter boots. He looked like a little Eskimo and his raven black hair peaked out underneath the large hoodie. Despite being dressed warmly the moment Tadashi looked at his face he knew that something wasn’t all right. But why should he care anyway?

He let out a puff of smoke and continued to laugh along with his buddies. He tried not to pay attention to the person across the meeting point when he suddenly saw the little Eskimo dropping down to his knees and trying to hold himself up with his hands.

Tadashi dropped the cigarette in an instant. He shoved two of his friends out of his way and in slow motion it seemed to him he passed the mass of people and made his way over to the opposite side. He dropped to his knees and hold Ryutaro shoulders with both hands. The young boy remained sitting on the floor all powerless.

“Are you all right? Can you stand?” Tadashi asked but Ryutaro looked down and only nodded. He tried to stand up on his own but failed and Tadashi held him at his arm. “You’re close to faint man! What’s going on?”

“Just exhausted.”

“I can see that! Where’s your chauffeur?”

“My parents were busy and no one collected me after rehearsal.”

Tadashi let out a long breath and the ‘rich boy’ theory came up in his mind again.

“Guess it can’t be helped.” Tadashi added and placed one arm over Taro’s back underneath his arms. “Was on my way home anyway.”

Slightly green and with fatigue all over his face, Taro looked up at Tadashi. “I’m sorry for causing you trouble again…”

Tadashi nodded. “You owe me man, making me your personal escort service. You should hire me as a bodyguard.” Tadashi joked but silenced when Ryutaro added: “Would you do it?”

The blond stopped moving and looked down to his right side at Taro’s face. “That’s a joke right?”

But Ryutaro wasn’t able to answer when the group of punks started howling and whistling after they’d spotted Tadashi together with the little Eskimo in the crowd and on top of that with one arm swung around his shoulders.

“Ouuuuuh Tada-kun, so she is your new toy?”

“I said shut it Takashi!” Tadashi howled back and people already looked strange and tried to avoid walking passed the dangerous looking spot. Ryutaro meanwhile was busy blushing and looking down to the ground. He was also very intimidated by all those punks and rowdies. He’s never had any contact with such kind of guys before and if his mother knew he would be scolded very badly.

“Let’s go.” The blond finally said and he passed the group of friends with a ‘see you’ and escorted Ryutaro down to their subway station. While riding down the escalator and waiting for the train to arrive Tadashi finally started a conversation.

“You feeling better?"

The little one next to him nodded and Tadashi only saw this huge hood of a coat moving up and down and with the expensive fur bouncing.

“I can’t see your face man.” Tadashi pulled down the hood and destroyed Ryutaro’s hairstyle or what was left of it. Like a dishevelled squirrel the little one looked surprised up at him and Tadashi looked back. For the splint of a second Taro thought that he saw something like amusement in Tadashi’s eyes but it had left shortly afterwards.

“Sorry ‘bout the hair.”

“It’s okay.” Taro pulled down his gloves and tried to get his hair straight down again but it was hopeless. His hairstyle was kind of strange but unique anyway.

“You’re alone a lot?” Tadashi asked while he tried to stuff his hands into his tight jeans pockets. His hands were red and Taro noticed it. Without another word he stretched out his hands and offered his warm white sheepskin gloves to Tadashi… the blond looked surprised and the idea seemed tempting but he refused.

“Thanks but no thanks.”

Taro kept on holding the gloves up to him. “I insist.”

Tadashi let out a smile and it looked beautiful on him. For the first time Taro saw his crocked teeth and he found them beautiful. “I won’t tell anyone.”

Tadashi looked left and right before he quickly grabbed the gloves and put them on. Then Taro answered his question.

“I’m not always alone. At school there are a lot of people. But at home I’m alone.”

“Okay that counts as alone.” Tadashi added and Taro sank down his head. Deep inside of him he knew it but it was hard to hear it out loud. Of course Tadashi noticed the little one hanging his head low.

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of. I wish I was a lot more alone but there’s always my mother, nagging at me. People at school, nagging at me…”

Taro listened without commenting but asked when Tadashi was done. “Why?”

Tadashi smiled bitterly and looked into the distance when he answered. “Because I’m not how people want me to be. I’m an eyesore to them, that’s why.”

“That’s not true.” Taro simply said. Tadashi looked back at the little black haired man and asked. “What is?”

“You’re not an eyesore. You are different.”

Tadashi slightly smiled at himself when he looked down at the ground. “I’m sure your parents, teachers or friends wouldn’t approve.”

Taro shrugged. “I’m all alone so who would care?”

The train came in and the two of them entered the wagon along with a lot more people. They stood almost pressed against each other nearby the doors and Taro had difficulties keeping a safe distance and to hold himself steady in his state. He stiffened when he felt Tadashi holding him at his shoulder with one hand.

“Relax. You’re weak today. I’ll hold onto you.”

Slowly Ryutaro nodded and a slight blush wandered over his cold face and left behind something warm.

After half an hour they’d arrived to Ryutaro’s stop and when Taro already wanted to say his good byes and thank yous he saw Tadashi moving to get off the train as well.

“What are you doing?!” Ryutaro asked shocked after the train was gone.

“Escorting you home. Can’t have you faint on your way home and freezing to death.” Tadashi answered while passing Taro nonchalantly with his gloved hands in his jacket pockets. Taro jogged behind him until he was next to Tadashi.

“Don’t panic. I won’t escort you to the door of your house.”

“I’m not afraid of people seeing you with me.”

The blond punk turned aside and looked at Taro. That was something he wouldn’t have expected. He had to give the little one credit for it. “You aren’t? But I’m a failure of society and you-“

“No you’re not. Only if you believe it.”

Tadashi wanted to retort silenced only came because he didn’t know what to say. That boy was quite sharp. Although looking innocent and young he really had something.

They went on without saying another word and Tadashi gazing into the distance again.

“So why you’re not feeling well?” Tadashi asked.

“I’m just tired.”

“Why?”

“A lot of rehearsal.”

“What for?”

“An audition in three months.”

“Right, I remember. You’re into ballet right?”

“Hn.” Taro nodded.

“What kind of audition is it?”

“Dancing role at the young state ballet of Tokyo.”

“Holy crap! Sounds like serious business! Never thought you being involved that deep.”

Then Taro said with a voice he’s never showed before. “Dancing… is my life.”

Tadashi, again surprised, looked aside down to the little one and for the first time he saw ‘it’ in his eyes. Sparkling ambition, passion…. He would never forget that look. The look of a person who lives for something. He was deeply impressed by that look, that passion for something.

“I see.” They continued walking up a hill and by the houses they passed Tadashi knew that he would never live in a house like that. “So what’s the name of the play?”

“The Nutcracker.” Ryutaro added happily and beamed. “You know it?”

Tadashi wrinkled his eyebrows while he bit onto his lip piercing. “Well not knowing…. I know that it’s a Christmas play… but wait: Christmas is in three weeks and you're auditioning in three months?”

“Yeah for next winter.”

“And during summer?”

“Always rehearsal time.”

Taro saw that Tadashi tried to make things out and he looked deeply thinking. The punk moved on, still thinking but added after a moment while looking straight on the street again. “Respect, for your ambition.”

Taro felt his cheeks reddening because he was really happy about that compliment. Usually he only gets scolded for not being good enough.

“Thank you.”

Silence followed but not for long. Tadashi was quite talkative in comparison to last time. “What are you auditioning for?”

“The Mouse king! The army of mice are fighting against the gingerbread army and….” Taro started babbling and his eyes sparkled like the ones of a child. It was the first time for Tadashi to see Taro not being shy but being himself. He was quite nice, and seemed like an honest, passionate guy.

“Well,” Tadashi said after Taro was done telling him about the play, “I will cross my fingers for you.”

“I will do my best!” Taro beamed.

They continued and after a few minutes Taro stopped in front of a large house. High iron bars encircled the property and Tadashi tried not to look too surprised by the splendour.

“So that’s it?” The blond said and Taro nodded. Tadashi took off Taro’s gloves and held them out to him but Taro shook his head and shoved them back with his hands to Tadashi.

“You still have to get home and it’s freezing today.”

Taro was right and Tadashi knew that so he kindly took his offer although the white sheepskin gloves looked pricelessly funny on a bad ass punk like him. “Thanks.”

“Thank you… for your help.”

Tadashi narrowed his eyes. “You’re a person often in trouble?”

Taro smiled uneasily. “Sometimes.”

“Then take care ne, Ryutaro.”

Taro blushed by hearing his name for the first time fully spoken from his lips. Tadashi saluted him with one hand and turned around. Taro remained standing on the iron gates until the blond disappeared around the corner. His boots echoed through the silent streets in the cold winter night, leaving deep imprints on the frozen ground of this ‘oh-so-well-sheltered-neighbourhood’… and its citizens.

Chapter Text

Tadashi sat at school the next day but only physically. In his thoughts Ryutaro and his conversation from yesterday played again and again in his head. Taro looking so ambitious about his dancing…. Living for something, doing your best for something. Somehow Tadashi admired that. He was never good at anything and there was nothing he really believed in.

The blond looked into his bag and saw Ryutaro’s gloves lying in there. He wanted to return the gloves today because it became really cold outside and he didn’t want the young boy to freeze. Tadashi could manage the cold but he wasn’t so sure about Ryutaro. But to bring them home to Ryutaro? Tadashi wasn’t so sure about that. Although Ryutaro seemed not to care about his appearance Tadashi didn’t want to cause him any trouble. He was sure that his parents or whoever saw him during the daytime wouldn’t approve of a punk hanging around in such a neighbourhood.

So the state ballet school…. That was his next stop. After the lesson was over Tadashi got his bag and left school. It was a beautiful but cold midday so why spend it at school anyway. Tadashi took the subway and got off the station called “State University”…. Sounded important enough to him. It took him another half an hour and a lot of asking people before he was finally guided into the right direction and behind the state university was a smaller building with a sign, reading “State Dancing School.” Sounded like a deal. The punk entered and the pupils stopped walking, whispering to each other after seeing an outlaw of society walking totally self-confident into the building. His boots echoed down the hall, his metal jewellery jingling with each step and he enjoyed it. After he entered the building he saw a great difference in the pupils he was used to. In this school they all carried a certain “air” around them. Being motivated, creative, happy…. It felt kind of nice. These people were happy to be here.

At the end of the corridor, Tadashi asked a girl where the ballet department was. She pointed down the right corridor and told him around the corner. Tadashi followed her instructions and already heard live piano music coming from inside one training hall. He stopped at the entry door which was slightly pulled open and he peeked into it. A group of girls stood at the back of the hall, dressed in beautiful white tutu dresses. Only three boys were amongst them…. And one of them was dancing a solo. Taro.

In his tight ballet shirt and black trousers he moved graciously to the piano music. Lifting his feet and jumping like a cat, fast steps changing with slow steps… his posture was tensed but perfectly fitting to the mood of the song. The expression of his dance was almost palpable and his feelings seemed to reach from toe to his outstretched fingers. He was really talented. Or at least Tadashi thought so.

Tadashi caught himself watching with his mouth wide open. He was positively surprised. For him the dance was perfect although the grim looking teacher repeatedly yelled French instructions in between. His teacher shouted and the piano ended playing but repeated the last act again. Patiently Ryutaro repeated the last dancing steps but his teacher still wasn’t satisfied. She dismissed him and called in for another boy to continue their training. Taro bended down and turned around to head to the others at the end of the room when he saw a familiar strand of hair through the gap of the door. . He couldn’t believe his eyes and taken aback took a closer look.

Tadashi smiled to himself when he saw the little one hesitating to come over or not and his smile vanished when Taro turned away from him to walk back to the others. He whispered to some of them but finally came closer to leave the room. He looked down to the ground, closing the door behind him.

“Tadashi! What are you doing here?” He almost whispered. Not that he was ever a loud talker.

“Just wanted to return the gloves to you.”

“You came all the way just for that?” The smaller boy wondered.

“Sure. It’s cold and you should have them.” Tadashi rummaged through his bag but Taro laid his hands onto the bag and told him: “Keep them. You need them more than me.”

“Nah, I can’t life with the knowledge of you having none… and besides: They are white. It suits you better.”

Taro looked like he was having an idea. He pulled up his hands and pointed Tadashi to wait. He returned into the lecturing room only to come back moments afterwards with something in his hands.

“You take these,” Taro gave him a pair of black knitted gloves, “and I will keep the white ones.”

“But-“

“It’s a thank you gift for your help.”

Tadashi thought about it and then accepted the gift. “Thanks for the gloves.”

“You’re welcome.”

The blond nodded and looked around the corridor. “You’ve got a nice school here.”

“Hn.”

“People seem all right.”

“Yes they are.”

Silence.

“I’m keeping you from practice. I will leave-“

“It’s okay.”

“Sorry ‘bout the intrusion.”

Silence again.

“Your dance was beautiful.” Tadashi added with a lower voice. Taro looked back at him in surprise. “Although the old hag was nagging at you.”

The young boy couldn’t help himself but his heart beat faster from the compliment. It was embarrassing but somehow he was really happy about it. Taro scratched his head. “I’m really not that good.”

“Stop it…. You are. Acknowledge it.”

Insecure, Taro nodded. “Thank you.”

Tadashi looked around and found other pupils starring at them. It was quite unusual to see one of their fellow pupils having contact to a dangerous looking guy and besides… Tadashi was way to huge to not notice.

“Gotta go, people are staring…”

Taro nodded and with a quick wave Tadashi turned around to leave. He walked a few steps when Taro’s voice sounded behind him.

“I’m done in 30 minutes. And you?”

Tadashi was surprised by the sudden invitation. He turned around but nodded before really thinking about it. “Sure. I’ll wait outside.”

Taro smiled and with a nod he disappeared inside the training hall again.

Near the entrance Tadashi spotted a bench and settled down, only to lighten a cigarette and smoking until the little one was done with practice. He observed the kids and fellow students walking and running all over campus. To him it seemed like being in another town. He would have never believed that people could be happy about going to school. He furrowed his brow because the whole thing made him think too much.

Minutes later, Tadashi looked up startled when someone jumped onto the empty space next to him. Ryutaro.

“So quick?”

“Yes.” Taro nodded shyly but beamed.

“You feeling better? Still having a lot of stress?”

“Yes, thank you. I’m feeling better although there is always stress.”

Tadashi wanted to offer him a cigarette, out of habit with his other friends but guessed right that Taro didn’t smoke.

“So your fellow students and you get along well?”

Tadashi looked at Taro and found the smaller one looking with a grimace. “Well, you see… everything about dancing is competition. We respect each other but there is a lot of gossip going on.”

The blond pulled up his head and leaned back against the bench. He stretched out his arms and laid them on top of it. “So that’s how it is behind the shining surface. I see….”

“But not all of them are like that.”

Tadashi lit another cigarette. “You can’t trust anybody. That’s what I’ve learned.” He inhaled deeply. Ryutaro was surprised about that sad comment and already wanted to retard when he heard a voice calling over to them.

“Oi! Ballet-boy!”

Like a wolf in reflex, Tadashi looked quickly from wincing Ryutaro over to the group of well-dressed boys who were all laughing at Ryutaro.

“What nice people you hang out with.”

Tadashi shot up from his seat and pulled up his chin threatening. “You got a problem?” He hissed at them and the leader of the group came closer.

“No, only with that faggot dancer.”

That was it. In reflex, Tadashi grabbed the sleek guy at his collar and pulled him inches up from the ground. “You repeat that and I will make sure that daddy has to pay for your new nose.”

“Tadashi!!” Taro grabbed him at his arm. “Let him be, I don’t care!”

The sleek guy grinned dirtily at Tadashi and the blond would have so loved to beat the shit out of him but hearing Taro whimpering next to him and still holding onto his arm…. He slowly settled the guy back onto the ground. But didn’t let him go without a last warning. “Another word from you to Ryutaro and I will send you back home in pieces. You understand? And now get lost before I change my mind.” Tadashi let go of the guy’s collar disgusted and pushed him away.

“I can easily bring you into jail, dirtbag!” The stupid guy said with a whining tone but Tadashi simply added. “Not when you’re dead.”

The guy looked back at Tadashi with an unreadable glare. He rejoined his group and together they left the place with a lot of chattering.

With shaking hands, Taro sat down on the bench and he covered his face with both of them. He was totally shaky and close to tears. An unknown feeling crept inside Tadashi's chest, seeing Taro hurt like this.... he sat down next to him and lay one hand onto Taro’s shoulder.

“Hey, they are gone.”

Taro shook his head and it took him a while until he was able to speak again, his voice still shaking. “F-for now… but what about tomorrow? The following days?”

The blond narrowed his eyes. “How long is this bullying going on?”

“Since I‘ve started here.”

“And when was that?” Tadashi asked in disbelieve.

“Two years ago.”

“WHAT THE HELL?! And you’re doing nothing about it?!”

Taro dropped his hands and looked back at Tadashi whom still had his hand on Taro’s shoulder. “Look at me! I’m all weak. There is nothing I could do.”

Tadashi tried to put himself in Taro’s place and he had to admit that it was dangerous. He looked back at Taro who was just so happy a moment ago and now a total mess. Tadashi couldn’t help himself. He ruffled through Taro’s hair.

“I will look out for you.”

Surprised, the young boy turned at Tadashi who rested with his hand on Taro’s head where it became warm.... the black hair was so soft underneath his grip...

“If these troublemakers ever bother you again, you call me.”

The young man’s eyes started to water and Tadashi moved back his hand in shock. “What? Don’t cry!”

“But B-but… no one ever did that for me!”

“What? Look out for you?” Tadashi wondered and came to the conclusion that money didn’t seem to always help. Taro nodded. Another pat on his head followed.

“Then you’ve got a protector now. I decided to help you because you’re special.”

The blond stood up and slung his bag over his shoulder, too quick so that he missed Taro blushing from his last comment.

“Gimme your mobile.” The punk demanded and Taro rummaged through his bag. He handed it to Tadashi and the blond dialled a number and saved it. “There you go.” He gave it back to Taro and the little one nodded thankfully.

“I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”

But Tadashi only patted his head again. He couldn’t help himself but it felt right every time he did it. “When you’re in trouble, you call me. Any time. Most of the time I’m awake.”

Taro was so happy from that simple offer. It warmed his heart and made his pulse go faster. Never had anyone looked out for him, offered him help or anything that wasn’t buyable with money. It was worth more than anything else…. A friend. The black haired boy beamed happily and he didn’t care that Tadashi was a punk with whatever background… he liked him.

Taro collected his bag and jumped behind Tadashi whom had already started to walk away from the grounds to get to the subway. Going home together.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That’s how it started for them hang out together. In the mornings they took the same train to school and in the evening too. If possible, Tadashi fetched Ryutaro from school and often he watched Taro during his lessons. Seeing him dance was somehow soothing to Tadashi. It gave him a feeling that everything would be okay and the world was a nice place.

By showing himself at the grounds Tadashi made sure that thouse stupid guys left Ryutaro alone. Tadashi HATED bullying and stupidity and would always handle it in the name of the weak. And luckily no one dared to mock Ryutaro because over the weeks Ryutaro became well known to be the guy with a ‘dangerous punk friend’. Tadashi laughed it off and Taro was fine with it.

Although they saw each other almost every day now, Ryutaro spoke very little about himself. Now and then he dared to ask Tadashi some questions and the blond was fine with it. In fact, Ryutaro was a pleasant fellow to be with. Always gentle, never persistent. Now and then Tadashi lost himself in conversation, especially when Taro asked him about his opinion of something and Tadashi was a talkactive and interested person which came with the punk attitude. Taro was fascinated by Tadashi’s knowledge about society and politics. There were many things he’d never heard of before and they were so interesting.

One evening, in the middle of December, Tadashi went inside the building to wait for Taro. It was already dark outside and through the corridors Tadashi heard a lovely lullaby played on the piano. The blond stopped in front of the music hall and found Taro sitting on the piano playing, then stopping right in the middle, making notes and then continuing with playing. Tadashi knocked on the door and Taro almost fell down from the chair startled by the entery. It was quite late for a normal school day and since Tadashi couldn’t reach him on his mobile he’d decided to look after him…. Just in case.

“What are you doing?” Tadashi walked behind Taro and looked at the medium sized piano and the music sheets on top of it.

“Nothing important…” Taro collected the sheets of paper. “Just a little composing, just for fun.”

“It sounded beautiful.” Tadashi bent down and looked at the remaining music sheets which were drawn clumsily by Ryutaro’s hand. Taro’s first impulse was to hide the imperfect music sheets but for a moment he was too busy smelling Tadashi’s scent. A mixture of leather and tobacco…. Over the weeks Taro had become so used to that scent. Somehow it calmed him down from all this stress.

“Taro, let’s go. It’s late.”

When was it that Tadashi had started calling him like that? He couldn't recall but he loved it every time he said it. No one called him like that which made it only more special. On their way out, Taro told him about his day.

“… and there is a short test in dance next week. If I fail that I won’t be allowed to take part at the audition in two months.”

“Are you afraid of it?”

“Yes, kind of.”

“Your parents coming?”

Taro looked down to the ground. “They never do.”

The blond next to him nodded. “All right. I’ll be there.”

“Really? You will come?” There was a flicker of something in Taro’s eyes.

“Sure. I like to see you dance and if it helps I will try to calm you down.”

“Yay!” Taro beamed and a bright smile was all over his face. Which was strange because it made Tadashi happy too. Well, wasn’t it the biggest joy to make others happy with simple things? It was always nice when the little one was happy and his smiles were really rare. So this must mean a lot to him.

Out of the blue Tadashi patted Taro’s head, a habit he never got rid of and the little one looked up at him. The blond continued talking without noticing Taro’s gaze though. Fact was that Taro realized Tadashi doing it quite often…. Not that he disliked it. On the contrary.

“You sure I should come?”

“Of course!” Taro was still happy.

“You know,” Tadashi scratched his head, “I don’t want to ruin your reputation or something among important people. If they see you with me-“

“Tadashi.” Taro interrupted which was something he usually never did. “I’m never ashamed of my friends, never.”

“You really got balls.” The punk smiled and the piercing on his lips moved with it. Taro found it fascinating. “I’m ruining your chances with the girls. No one wants a boyfriend with a punk buddy.”

Taro suddenly became very quite. It was never easy for him to talk about ‘that kind of matters’ since there weren’t really any. By the looks of Tadashi, despite his punk attitude, Taro guessed that he must be a womanizer and quite popular with the girls. He was tall, he was bad ass, had a handsome face, killer eyes, beautiful hands, his body was well built-

“Taro?”

The dark haired boy shook his head to wake up from his daydream. “Excuse me, daydreaming.”

The blond gave a nod and repeated his question nevertheless. “Must have been a nice dream.”

Taro blushed and waved it down with his hand. “Just tired ne.” Tadashi felt that Taro tried to avoid the topic so he simply changed it. “So you also play the piano… since when?”

“I was five years old.”

“Good Lord! You must be a little Mozart by now!”

“Oh well….” Taro looked down onto the ground sheepishly. He didn’t want to admit it but he was good at playing it because he loved classical music. That’s what brought him to ballet in the first place. “Classical music is my life.”

“I see… But of course! That’s why you’re dancing!”

Tadashi had such a sharp mind, Taro liked him for that.

“You know… although I’m into rock music and stuff doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate other music. I admire people who are able to play an instrument. I never got the chance to.”

Ryutaro was surprised. He never heard of such a thing. “Really? You never even tried?”

“Nah, strum a few chords on a friends guitar, that’s it.”

“So if you’d a choice which instrument would you play?”

“Bass. It must be great to feel the rhythm.”

Taro looked up at Tadashi’s face and saw his eyes shining. It was something he never seen at the blond before and the moment he said it he wanted to help him with that dream.

“Then you’ll do it.”

Tadashi looked strangely down at smaller Taro who looked back at him with a sincere face. “What are you talking about Taro?”

“You can take classes at our school.”

“I’d love to but no money.”

“That’s my concern.”

“What?! No way! No, we’re not having this conversation.”

“Tadashi,” Taro turned at the punk and hold onto his arm, “you’re looking out for me. That’s the least I can do.”

He thought a moment about it and didn’t like to be dependent from somebody, moreover somebody’s money… although he had to admit that it was quite tempting. “No Taro, I can’t do it. And besides, I’m looking out for you because you’re my friend.”

That sounded too good to be true but the smaller one stayed persistent. “You will get me tomorrow after school?”

“Sure.”

“I will introduce you to the bass teacher.”

The blond shook his head again and tried to move back but Taro kept on holding his arm. “Tadashi! Now listen! You better become good at playing bass, then we can make music together!”

“Yeah, some kind of punk rock Mozart concert.”

“Sure, why not? Sounds interesting.”

Taro didn’t let go of his eyes and the blond again had to admit that he really had guts…. He hung his head low in defeat and Taro beamed happily at himself.

“I will be terrible.” Tadashi stammered when he followed Taro up the street of his neighbourhood. He always escorted Taro to the front of the house gates... just in case.

“No way! You will be good! I can’t wait for your progress.” Taro turned around because they’d arrived at his home.

“So tomorrow 5 pm?” Tadashi asked and Taro nodded. “Yes.” He rummaged through his bag to get the keys when his breath suddenly came to a halt. Out of the blue Tadashi just hugged him tightly. His heart beat fast as he stood as stiff as a metal pole. That was something the blond hasn’t done before and yet he had fantasized it so often! What he would do, say....

Taro was dead nervous but before he was able to move or act himself, dare realizing it, Tadashi moved back and ruffled through his hair like he always did.

“Thank you Taro.”

The stunned little person was only able to nod and to stammer a ‘good night’.

“I’ll repay someday!” Tadashi saluted and went his way.

Down the streets Taro observed Tadashi walking down to the next subway station. It had become a habit of him, watching Tadashi until he couldn’t see him anymore. Paralyzed by that feeling he opened the metal gate with his keys and the moment he closed it again, when he felt the cold wind on his hot cheeks he knew that there was something much deeper inside of him that felt something for Tadashi… but he didn’t dare continue that thought. So he walked back over the large property to their main house.

When Tadashi arrived at home he wanted to go straight to his room but his mother shouted from inside the living room.

“Tadashi? You back again?”

“Hn.”

“You attending class regularly these days? That’s really nice….”

Tadashi left it uncommented and closed the door behind himself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All this thinking, thinking, thinking…. It was ridiculous and he felt helpless about it. But the more he told his brain not to think about it the stronger it got. It was frustrating.

Taro walked through Shibuya on his search for Christmas presents. Only two weeks until Christmas and he really had to get something for his parents and he wanted to get Tadashi something as well. So he went down Shibuya the following morning, a few hours before his training was leaving. Many strange people crossed his way, people he was former afraid of but now after some time he realized that they weren’t as scary as he’d always thought they would be. All kind of different street fashion crossed his way… Lolitas, Gals, and now and then when he saw a strands of blond hair he looked up in reflex only to scold himself afterwards for being tricked.

A few hours later, Taro returned to the train station happily because of his new purchase. He hoped that Tadashi would like it.

He crossed the well-known meeting point of street musicians and artists when he finally heard a commotion at the park entrance. At first he wanted to pass the bunch of streetpunks when he saw a dangerously familiar hairstyle among these people. Not again but then....

“Tadashi? Can it be?!” Taro whispered at himself. He ran over to the fighting bunch. People already walked in big circles around the fighting punks. Some shouted to call the police but whatever it was that brought up that temper must have been something very harsh because neither one of them was able to calm down. Two were fighting while four others stood around them in a semi-circle, either shouting for them or against them.

When Taro came closer he swore that his heart stopped for a single moment. It was Tadashi right in the middle of this brawl and he already carried clear signs of it. His lip was swollen and bloody and his eye was semi black.

“TADASHI!!”

The blond turned around startled. He'd always had good reflexes. That was the last voice he’d expected to hear here on this scene. He saw Taro running towards them and so did the other rowdie from his school.

“Speak of the devil, there comes your new boy-toy!”

Tadashi darted forward and punched the guy right into his face again. Taro yelled out in shock then another punch followed at the side of Tadashi’s head which sent him down spinning from the loss of balance. The rowdie’s friends picked Tadashi up at his shoulders and hold him up straight, just ready to get his ass kicked again.

“That’s what you get for messing with the schools leader you sissy punk-ass!”

The rowdie-guy pulled back his arm, ready for another punch but stopped when Taro jumped right in between. He hung around Tadashi’s throat and cried on his shoulder. The blond breathed heavily from exhaustion and pain and Taro adding to this weight made it not easier.

“Get away Taro… it’s dangerous…” Tadashi said with a husky tone.

“Are you mad?! How could I?!”

The rowdie let go off Tadashi and Taro caught him in his arms.

“Too bad I’m not beating girls.” He had a disgusting voice.

“Boss, we gotta go! Police’s coming!”

The bunch of four rowdies disappeared into the city.

Taro trembled more from shock than Tadashi. The blond looked badly beaten up. His whole body ached.... he thanked God that Taro arrived later and not at the beginning.

“Tadashi, how could you?!” Taro cried silently while Tadashi leaned with his upper body against Taro and with his chin on Taro’s shoulder.

“They said mean things about you. I can’t tolerate that.”

Surprised, the smaller man moved back and looked at Tadashi’s face. “You fool! Sometimes you should! I don’t care what they say!”

“But I do.” Tadashi forced a smile with his crocked teeth and moved up.

“We gotta go, the police….”

Taro nodded and hung one arm from Tadashi over his shoulders. As quickly as it was possible they took the next train.

“Where are we going?” Taro asked inside the train and tried to ignore the people starring at Tadashi’s beaten up face. One seat became empty and Taro forced Tadashi down to sit on it.

“I’m going home.”

“I’ll come with you!”

“Absolutely not. You will miss your dance lesson…. I can’t live with that guilt.”

“But—“

Tadashi glared up at standing Taro and shut him up with it. “I’ve been through worse Taro and you gotta be a pro someday. That’s what counts.”

Although the whole situation was more than desperate, Taro couldn’t help but to feel flattered from Tadashi’s belief in him. But seeing the blood on the taller man’s face… Taro pulled out a light green handkerchief and carefully wiped over the harmed face. Tadashi slightly winced by the contact but his forehead softened when Taro cared down his cheek.

“You're impossible.”

Tadashi hissed while he laughed.

“There you go. Take this with you.” Taro gave him his handkerchief.

“I don’t need it. It’ll be all dirty.”

Now Taro insisted with his glare and Tadashi took it without another word spoken.

“You promise me to go straight home and rest? Otherwise I can’t concentrate on dancing.” Taro stared with his huge dark eyes at Tadashi who gave in willingly. “Promise.”

Taro touched Tadashi’s shoulder before he went off the train and all that remained was Taro’s light green handkerchief in Tadashi’s hands. The blond, beaten up punk looked at it while the fight earlier repeated in his head once more....

“Oi you! Fashion-punk! Hanging out with rich boys now?!” “Yeah! And gay dancers too!” “You became such a shame for this school.”

Tadashi furrowed his brow but stopped immediately by the sting in his head. They got him pretty bad this time because like always he simply couldn’t shut up. He would never feel ashamed of Ryutaro. He liked him and cared for him. He was a friend and even now it seemed that Taro knew him deeper than anyone else before. Taro was sharp and saw through things even if he was young and had tender appearance. He never judged Tadashi and listened to everything he had to say. He became…. Irreplaceable.

Arriving at home, Tadashi went into the bathroom to take a shower. Thankfully his mother was at work otherwise she would have suffered a heart attack as well. The blond undressed slowly in front of the floor length mirror… and he had to admit that he carried some nice marks. Black spots. On his rips and backside. What a triumph… he wasn’t proud of it. First he felt very strong but after he'd seen Taro’s face today and his voice in panic…. Tadashi somehow felt ashamed for causing so much trouble. And knowing Taro he was sure his concentration during training will be quasi non-existing. Well done Tadashi. But how come he saw him there in the city anyway? Must be fate or something, Christ.

After his shower, Tadashi got something to eat before he fell asleep on his bed, dressed in only a casual white T-Shirt and black joggers on. Although he had slept well the night before he rested like the dead. He was exhausted from the terrible day.

Making him totally unaware of the fact that his mother returned from work and the fact that she opened the door for another visitor this evening.

A soft knock on Tadashi’s door and after he didn’t answered it the person opened it slowly anyway. A well-known black haired guy tiptoed into the room. It was his first visit here.

Taro spotted Tadashi asleep on his bed so he closed the door behind himself and stopped in the middle of the small room. He looked around amazed by the many posters on the wall, showing crazy clothed punk rock stars… Tadashi’s clothes were scattered almost over the whole floor and CD’s and a CD-Player with earphones lay right next to Tadashi’s bed. Taro turned his attention back to the soundly asleep person on the bed and had to smile to himself from that beautiful sight. Tadashi lay on his back and all his limps stretched out into all kind of directions…. Making his shirt revealing half of his stomach.

Taro blushed. But nevertheless he slowly tiptoed forward and sank onto his knees, to kneel in front of Tadashi’s bed. He was so concerned about him throughout his entire training...He'd even managed to find out about his address through Tadashi’s school. It was hard to receive but worth all the whining. Not to mention Tadashi’s mother who was kind of surprised to find the delicate young man standing in front of their door and looking even more surprised after Taro had introduced himself as a school friend…. More or less. Her faced had brightened up from hearing about a school friend and she welcomed him kindly. And now there he was…. Gawking at the beautifully sleeping face, trying not to concentrate on this flat stomach too much. In reflex, Taro slowly pulled out his mobile phone but he hesitated. Desire winning over logic he just took the long wanted photo of Tadashi’s sleeping face and put the mobile back into his pocket. His gaze wandered down Tadashi’s bare arm. Hesitantly he slowly reached forward to touch the bruised skin and jolted when he felt it being ice cold. Taro jumped up from the sitting position and reached for Tadashi’s blanket. Carefully he covered Tadashi with it which made the blond sleeping man murmur in his sleep.

Taro’s cheeks reddened. He was so sweet in his sleep. Almost like a child. And it broke the curve when Tadashi cuddled with his blanket. Awwwww, Taro thought and sat back on the floor next to Tadashi’s head, watching him sleep. In reflex the young man reached forward to touch the spiky blond hair but stopped halfway when Tadashi started to slowly open his eyes. He blinked from his sleep and then suddenly moved back in shock to find someone sitting next to him on the floor.

“Taro!” He said out loud as he sat up on his mattress. “How-?!” Being dizzy from his sleep and too much information going on, Tadashi rubbed his eyes and held his head. Taro looked down to hide his flushed face. He mumbled into his dark hair.

“I’m sorry Tadashi! I’m sorry about the intrusion…”

The blond ruffled through his bed hair and while he looked at Taro funnily. “You’re dirty Taro! Watching people sleep.” He mocked him and gave a cheeky grin.

“Am not! I was just so,” he fumbled with his fingers and of course Tadashi realized it, “concerned about you.”

Silence followed and both of them found it awkward.

“So… how’re you feeling?”

Tadashi pulled down the blanket, only to sit in his T-Shirt and jogging trousers in front of Taro.

“Taro I told you I’ve been through worse.”

With a strange glare the younger man looked up at Tadashi. “Look at you! Your face is messed up! You’re bruised everywhere…. I can’t tolerate this. After all you’re my friend.” His voice became silent again.

Tadashi breathed out loud. “You’re hopeless. Though I’m flattered about your concern…. I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.” Tadashi looked aside but not because he was ashamed of anything but because of Taro’s reading glare. He was capable to see through things, that’s what Tadashi had experienced so far.

“The argument seemed very personal.” Taro continued and Tadashi looked down onto his arm by that statement. “If you don’t want to talk about it-“

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay.” The younger man bit his lip and he looked down onto his hands. He almost lost balanced when he felt Tadashi ruffled through his soft hair wildly.

“Don’t worry Taro-chan, I’m fine.”

A blush again but the long bangs covered Taro’s face. “You know…” Taro started. “You’re always there for me and I want to be there for you.”

“But you are! Speaking of it…. How did you find out about my address?”

Taro told him about his tactics at the school’s registry and Tadashi laughed out loud but he stopped when a sting went through his forehead…. Okay, they really got him there this time. Surprised by the sudden move Tadashi observed Taro who had jumped onto his bed, only to lift the blond bangs from Tadashi’s face to examine the damage.

“You hurt there?” Taro looked suspicious at Tadashi’s forehead and the blond being surprised and still kind of startled by the sudden reaction, not to mention the touch of Taro’s cold hands, observed Taro looking at his head. He had never been 'that close before....

“I’ll get you a pack of ice.”

“Your hands are cold enough, thank you.”

Surprised, Taro wanted to pull his hand away but Tadashi hold it there, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch. Taro’s heart beat wildly from the feeling of Tadashi’s forehead and adding Tadashi’s hand holding him around his wrist steady against his forehead. For other people not sexy, for Taro to die for. Gosh he was so nervous and afraid that his heart could give him away. It felt really good being so close to Tadashi. Not that they have never touched each other somehow but that kind of thing was somehow intimate in its own special way.

“Now your hand is warm.”

“I’m sorry.” Taro was finally able to pull it away and he moved down from Tadashi’s mattress. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize so often….” Tadashi of course felt that Taro behaved kind of strange but he had no idea what was wrong with him. “So, how was your training today?”

“It was okay.” He lied about the part being deadly worried about the foolish beaten up punk. “You missed your first bass lesson though.”

Tadashi opened his eyes and mouth wide. “Holy s----! Oh no! And I was so looking forward to it!”

Taro shook his head and smiled. “You’re impossible. Don’t worry. I talked to the teacher. You will start next week-” Taro’s breath suddenly stuck in his throat when Tadashi out of nowhere darted forward and embraced him tightly. “You’re too good for me.” Taro closed his eyes. Hesitantly he lifted up his arms.. slowly and then for the first time he hugged Tadashi back. The blond felt the tender touch against his back and although it felt kind of nice being held like that… he winced from pain and Taro moved back.

“I’m sorry! I forgot.”

The blond smiled and he moved back onto his bed. He looked aside and checked the clock. It was already past eight in the evening.

“So, you’re staying the night?”

Taro became beet red, no, he almost fainted, trying not to get a nosebleed. He jumped up onto his feet. “NO! Of course not! I mean, I’m sorry for the late intrusion and-“ He stumbled over a stack of magazines but Tadashi realized it in time and caught the young man at his arm.

“No need to apologize, just joking.” Taro felt Tadashi’s breathing chest on his shoulder and before he was able to get used to the warmth and proximity he leaned up and grabbed his bag, ready to leave.

“Sorry again for the intrusion and see you tomorrow then?”

“Sure.”

Taro nodded hectically and closed the door behind him. Tadashi breathed out and wondered about the whole visit but he had no time to finish his thoughts when the smaller one re-entered Tadashi’s room again.

“Sorry! I forgot!” Taro kneeled in front of Tadashi’s bed again and pulled out a tube of cream which he had bought especially for Tadashi’s bruised skin the same day.

“Hn.” Taro stretched out his hand and gestured for Tadashi to give him his arm. The blond did so and observed amazed. Slowly and with knowledgeable hands, Taro applied the cream on the bruised arm. Tadashi’s eyes became hazy from the tender touch but he cleared his throat when Taro moved behind him.

“Your back.” Taro simply said and Tadashi opened his eyes wide in surprise. Now he wondered if he was mere naïve or a tease…. Fact was that his back was REALLY sensitive.

“Ahm Taro, I think I can manage that. My back is all right.”

Tadashi felt the stare burning holes into his head.

“I’M FINE TARO.”

“All right.” Taro moved down from his bed again and put the tube of cream into Tadashi’s hands. “Make use of it.”

“I will.”

“Tomorrow then?”

“Yes.”

And Taro left a second time and this time for real. Tadashi stared at the tube of cream in his hand. No one ever cared for his health, his mother just used to be hysteric about everything but someone caring that much… was something completely new.

‘Now now Tadashi, don’t get used to it. Sooner or later everybody leaves you or wants something in return. Honestly, don’t get used to it.’

But it really left such a nice feeling.

Chapter Text

The following day Tadashi was quiet and he hardly talked to anybody. Not that he ever talked much but the absence of mind was almost palpable. He never thought about this kind of nonsense but something seemed to work in his head. He couldn’t really name it but it had a lot to do with Ryutaro and his behaviour…. Tadashi always knew that he was a funny fruit but all this caring for him and them meeting every day…. Somehow everything seemed to develop onto a new level. But Tadashi had no idea where this possibly could lead. All he knew is that he felt kind of embarrassed which made him angry again at himself because he never felt embarrassed.

Besides, other people seemed to have realized 'it' as well. The fight yesterday was about them mocking Tadashi for being together with Taro too much. Which in the end was all true but Tadashi couldn’t stand the names they had called Taro. So he beat them.

The punk woke from his daydream when his mobile started buzzing silently in his pocket. He was still at school but pulled out the mobile anyway. He looked at the name underneath his table. It was Taro, surely wanting to tell him when his lesson would be over…. Usually he left the classroom to answer the call but he switched it off. Tadashi didn’t know why he did that. Maybe because he was confused, not only about him acting like that but what to think about everything.

He didn’t dare think that thought but maybe… maybe one party cared too much. Or maybe they were both depending too much from one and another. It was ridiculous. He was a police-known punk and Taro from a ridiculously rich house. Soon they would be separated anyway because of changing schools so maybe ending it now was more merciful than hurting the little one at the bitter end. Yeah, that’s it. He protected Taro from those assholes at his school and made his statement clear. Taro should be all right now. Now it was time to slowly withdraw.

… but he promised to watch his dances and in return Taro had appointed him for bass lessons.

Tadashi gripped into his hair and looked out of the window. He would have loved to attend both but he couldn't.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Taro looked surprised and hurt at the same time at his mobile phone. Tadashi had hung up on him! That was unusual. He always answered his mobile, even in class… maybe he was really busy right now. What if… what if he was with some girl? Taro felt how cold sweat crawled down his spine. The mere thought killed him and the pain which followed afterwards was a totally unknown feeling. Depressed about what to do he went to his training lesson anyway but this time all alone. And he felt even more alone than he ever did before.

Out of curiosity, Taro called Tadashi after his training again but this time the mobile phone was completely switched off. Taro was dead concerned about that foolish punk. He decided to try it the next day again.

After Taro found out that the mobile phone was still switched off even the day after, he decided to skip his daily dance lesson and he waited in front of the school gate of Tadashi’s school. He was so embarrassed, waiting all alone in front of a strange school. Moreover, only freaks seemed to attend this school but Taro didn’t care about freaks, as long as they ignored him. A lot of dangerous looking guys left, some laughing dirtily at the petite dancer… that’s when he saw familiar blond hair, surrounded by other rowdies and punks. It was Tadashi’s friend Takashi who spotted Taro first.

“Tadashi, isn’t that your little friend over there?”

“What are you talking about? I don’t know this guy.”

No stroke could have hit him harder, no words could have hurt him deeper. Taro stood on the spot frozen. And Tadashi…. didn't even a glance into his direction. Taro’s lips started to tremble and before Tadashi was around the corner, he broke into tears and ran down the opposite side of the road. Tadashi didn’t turn around but he heard the heartbreaking sob coming from behind…. And the mere thought of it broke his heart and yet he didn’t turn around. He told himself NOT to turn around and run behind him, comforting him....

He left the grounds with his old no-good friends.

Taro dashed through the crowded street. Blinded from his tears and deaf for the people shouting at him. Numb from the pain which increased in his chest. WHY? Why did it turn out like this? What had he done wrong? Did something happen to Tadashi again? Did he hate him? For what? For being to carrying? For… liking him? Could it be that he had noticed it?

With every thought more pain came and Taro felt his feet gave in. He stopped at an old building site and crawled into an old concrete pipe. He pulled his feet to his chest and cried into his knees. Why did it hurt so much? The pain in his chest became almost unbearable. Tadashi, pretending not to know him. He couldn't live in a world like this. Not without Tadashi. Not with him hating him. He was devastated and broken from such a small but mean gesture…. It had pulled away the solid ground Taro was standing on. The ground which Tadashi helped built and now destroyed himself. It cannot be, not Tadashi. If he really was such a double faced person, Taro must have been really terribly mistaken in him. That was not Tadashi, never.

The crying bundle fell asleep inside the pipe. He woke only hours afterwards when he started to feel really cold. It was already dark outside and the missed phone calls on his mobile were all from his mother. Beaten and at his end like an abounded little cat, Taro stumbled his way home. Not feeling the hunger nor the coldness or the emptiness inside of him. At home he was scolded for being too late and missing the training lesson.

This night he went to bed without any food or sense of feeling.

His mother tried to talk to him the next morning but with no avail. Taro just looked at his hands which rested on his lap as his hair covered half of his face. He stopped talking altogether… not that he ever talked much but his mother was deeply concerned about him. She never ever seen her son so deeply depressed before. Sure there were times when Taro acted like that but never to such extend.

“Taro-chan…. If you ever want to talk about it you can always come to me, you know that.”

A slight shrug with his shoulders. Why did she care now anyway?

“I don’t know what hurt you so much but please don’t miss your dancing lessons.”

A deep sigh.

“Since you were a little boy you wanted to dance The Nutcracker…. Don’t miss your chance and get distracted by anything foolish.”

“…. I know.” Came a silent answer.

His mother checked her watch and stood up hastily. She had to go to work. With a good-bye she ran out of the house. Then silence again. The ticking of the huge vintage clock inside their living room hurt with every noise it made in Taro’s heart. The silence together with the ticking noise killed him. Taro stood up, he stopped in front of the piano.... and he hit with his fist against the large black piano… it was frustrating. Another hit onto the deep tones… the deep sounds cared over his hurt heart. He sat down and hit onto it with both hands. A mixture between Beethoven and his own personal improvisation started to form. He played really loud and very fast, a song of madness and hurt. Taro pressed his eyes shut from all the anger that pain started to set in but he didn’t want to see the light nor his surroundings or his little hands…. Oh how he despised all that was around him and about him.

The more he played the song the more he grew into it. The outcome was something so tragic that even the walls wept from the show.

Then a last hit with his fists and a long deep sound echoed through the huge hall of their house. And he sunk his head onto the keys until the bloody ticking became louder than anything else in the house.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tadashi came home waaay to late last night… bloody drunk and done with the world. The following morning he woke only a few hours after a deep sleep when he heard his mother nagging outside his room. She must have smelled the alcohol all around the house. His head hurt from the brightness of the sun shining into his room and every noise inside the god-damn little flat.

Jesus, last night they got really pissed. Usually it was Takashi who used to drag Tadashi out drinking but last night it was Tadashi who asked Takashi for some distraction… and thank goodness Takashi always happily obliged. He and some others had the happiest drunk karaoke evening in history. Or so it seemed for the others. It took Tadashi quite a while to get so drunk that he even forgot his own name… besides other things that disturbed him. What a pitiable situation he was in and it was mostly his fault. It was him who had suddenly broken any contact to Taro…. But for what again? All reasons he came up with now sounded childish, even to himself. Making apologies to himself for all kind of reasons.

They were too different. He only caused trouble and Taro was so pure. People would start avoiding Taro because of him having a punk as a friend. Very soon he would get scolded by his teachers and his parents. On the other hand, his punk-buddies, rival punks and drop-outs started to get really dirty after seeing the strange couple together….. not that Tadashi ever cared about it but he was afraid of what could possibly happen to Taro. Bad speaking behind his back not to imagine any physical encounters. He’s got great plans for his dancing career.

They always mocked Taro about his feminine appearance but Tadashi never cared about that. He honestly liked Taro as a person…

He turned around in his bed and scratched his head. During all their time together ‘that’ kind of topic never came up. But he guessed that Taro never had a girlfriend…. Or maybe boyfriend for that matter? No matter what his orientation really was, Tadashi wondered if anything between them started to change. Well obviously not from his side but Taro… it was the way he looked at him when Tadashi spoke, even the way he’d applied the cream on his back the other day. It was kind of strange. And now after he spent some time with Taro he unwillingly started to read the signs. He 'knew' Taro after all this time.

Tadashi squeezed his eyes shut and tried to get into a sitting position but everything around him started to spin badly. Not a good idea, not at all…. So this day was resting in bed then? Great, very well done Tadashi. Because this way he was unable to escape the repeating thoughts in his head. No other distraction for him today.

He picked up the cream tube aside his bed and tossed it into the bin.

In another day he finally managed to drag himself to school because Tadashi couldn’t stand the voice of his mother any longer. It was during their lunch break that Takashi started a conversation which was highly unusual for him.

“Look at you Tadashi, you’re a mess.”

“Thanks very much.”

“I mean,” Takashi took a drag from his cigarette, “you’re usually absent-minded but something about you is rather strange.”

Now Tadashi looked up at him. “How so?”

“Come on, I can see that something is eating you and I can guess what it is.”

The blond remained silent.

“It’s that dancer boy. You're pretending not to know him anymore?”

A long pause followed and Tadashi stood up with his hands in his pockets. “So what?”

“That's not you. Something must have happened… you were hanging out a lot….”

Every day, Tadashi thought.

“And overnight everything suddenly stopped? You know I won’t interfere in your private life but no matter what it is, it’s taking you over. You’re not yourself these days.”

A deep exhale, Tadashi knew that Takashi was right with everything he said but what could he possibly answer? He didn’t really know what was going on either. The more he tried to find reasons the more everything sounded too ridiculous for him.

“Go talk to him.”

“It’s not that easy.” Tadashi answered.

“What is not easy? Is he… hitting on you?”

“No NO!” But the moment Tadashi said it out loud he knew that there was a ‘maybe’. “It’s no good, the two of us hanging out together.”

Takashi put one and one together. “So his parents don’t like their baby-boy having a punk friend?”

“That’s not it. I decided it myself. Taro’s getting into trouble because of me. I can’t tolerate it.”

“The argument you had the other day? So it was about him.”

Tadashi nodded but left it uncommented. Takashi had of course seen his wounds but never asked for a reason.

“You know,” Tadashi went on, “he would never understand if I told him that…. That being friends with me means danger. Selflessly he wouldn’t care. So this is the only way to safe Taro.”

“YOU wouldn’t care either! That’s what the two of you have in common…. And you won’t save him with that foolish action.”

“Why?”

“Look at you. You're hurt, I can see that and him, being as fragile as he seems, must be totally devastated. I saw him cry the other day you ignored him at the gate.”

That brought back unpleasant memories.

“You’re both into it too deeply already.”

Tadashi furrowed his forehead. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing. Except that you’ve changed since you knew him. And it was for the better…. Now - get your stuff together and apologize for being an asshole. You never cared what people said about you so you can be friends with him eh?”

Damn Takashi for finding the right words. Tadashi breathed out and shook his head. “All my good will crushed within moments.”

“It was never there to begin with and now get lost, bastard!”

Tadashi smiled at Takashi. He swung his backpack over his shoulders and left the school grounds as fast as he could.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Concentrate Ryutaro-san! The competition will be soon!”

“Hai!”

The dance teacher shook her head and gestured Taro to start from the beginning. The piano music set in as well and Taro did the jump again… and again but as much as he’d tried it he simply couldn’t get the figure right. He was frustrated of himself being frustrated and thus the teacher was frustrated about him as well. It was impossible to force it today but the competition was soon and Taro really had to get this posture right. He tried it another time and another time but it was no use. His jumps weren’t powerful enough. And in his head the conversation of his teacher from the day before repeated endlessly: ‘Ryutaro-san, you’re physically not powerful enough to dance a leading male-role. Maybe you should think about a switch for female roles in future plays.’

He knew that. But couldn’t help it. No matter how much he tried to gain muscles it never worked out. No special diet plans or sports. So maybe he should really consider that idea but not for The Nutcracker audition. It was too late to study a new choreography.

“Please one more time!” Taro asked his teacher before the lesson was over.

“Very well!” She gestured the piano player to start from the beginning.

Taro concentrated on the triple jump he had to do. His muscles tensed, his eyes focused straight forward and his head worked on the choreography. He started to run then the first jump, landing, second jump, landing…. That went quite well but the third jump followed and one second without concentration… Taro landed on the side of his foot, stumbled and fell hard to the side, landing on his arm.

“Oh my God!” His teacher screamed and she ran over to him. The piano player stopped and hold his hand in front of his mouth.

It wasn’t really his arm that hurt… it was his foot which ached like hell. Taro rocked back and forth, holding his toes but each touch only agonized him more.

“It must be the ligaments!” His teacher was nervous. “I will call an ambulance!”

“Hurry up, I’ll be there for him.” Came a deep voice from behind and Taro’s heart jumped in his chest.

He wanted to turn around but at the same moment he felt arms encircling him and picking him up from the ground with ease. He closed his eyes in pain when his foot left the steady ground it was lying on.

“Put your arms around my neck.” Came the soft whisper.

Still having his eyes closed, Taro did so as the pain started pulsating. Out of exhaustion he leaned his head against the shoulder and smelled the scent which he had missed so so much.

“Tadashi…” He whispered. “This is not a dream?”

“Baaaka. You hurting yourself in your dreams?”

Taro tried not to laugh as he had difficulties breathing…. But it was more out of the double shock he had just experienced.

“The ambulance is on its way!” The teacher came back into the hall and Tadashi simply remained standing in the middle of it, holding Taro in his arms. Although he had difficulties breathing because Taro held onto him quite firmly he had to smile at himself. It was then that Tadashi told him to breath slowly.

“Calm down Taro.”

His voice echoing in Taro’s head.

“But… it hurts so much.”

“You’ll be fine, I’ll take care of you.”

“Do you... really mean it?"

It hurt both of them.

“I'm so sorry Taro.” Tadashi whispered.

For an instant the grasp around his neck tightened and softened again. Taro’s teacher observed the strange but heart-warming scene when suddenly the sirens of the ambulance could be heard and together they left the hall and Tadashi carried Taro out. He went to the hospital together with Taro and holding his hand during the whole drive. Taro shook but stopped after they injected him with some sedatives.

Taro had been brought to a single bedroom in the hospital, simply because his parents could afford it. They took Taro’s information during the drive and contacted his parents after they’d arrived there. Tadashi had to wait in front of the room while a doctor and two nurses were tending to Taro’s injury.

Tadashi nervously tapped with his boots on the hospital floor while leaning with his head against the wall. In the distance he heard nurses whispering about him, giggling, which was no wonder because he looked like his usual self. All pierced, hair spiked-up, leather jacket and destroyed jeans. Not good for a first impression, not good at all.

That was the moment when Taro’s mum walked around the corner. He recognized her because of their likeness. Their eyes met and she was startled because of a tall punk being in a hospital and secondly, as strange as it seemed she immediately had an inkling that Tadashi knew something about her son. She walked up the long corridor and politely bowed slightly although not really meaning it. Tadashi did so too and he stood in front of her all straight.

“Do you happen to know my son Ryutaro?”

Tadashi nodded. “I do.”

“You brought him here?” She must have heard it on the phone from the nurse.

“Yes.”

“Thank you very much.” She bowed another time. “If you’ll excuse me.” She turned away from Tadashi and re-entered the room but before he was able to get a glimpse of Taro inside, she had already closed the door behind herself. Tadashi stepped back. That was a warm welcoming. He sat down on a chair in the hallway and waited. He started to get sleepy and his head rolled aside… he did that a few times before he decided to get a cup of coffee. He drank it in the cafeteria, not wanting to bump into this delicate lady again. She seemed not to have been very font of Tadashi… or his appearance in that matter. It was her gaze and her acting that told him so. After half an hour Tadashi returned to the room but didn’t enter. He slowly looked left and right before he leaned in to the door, trying to make out noises. The doctors seemed to have left because all he could hear was the woman and very low answers from Taro. So he was awake!

Tadashi would have loved to storm the god-damn room to ask how Ryutaro was doing but he held himself back. He would wait patiently until his mother had left and then he would look after Taro. Frustrated about waiting anymore, Tadashi walked over to the magazine rack and positioned himself with eye contact to Taro’s room. He picked up a large newspaper and now and then he peeked around it when he heard people walking down the corridor. It took Taro’s mum another half an hour before she left and after she did, Tadashi threw the newspaper onto the table and he stormed over to the door. He knocked politely before he entered.

Taro looked up from his bed and his eyes started to shine when he saw Tadashi entering.

“You’re still here, I can’t believe it.”

A short pause followed before Tadashi answered. “I was terrible. I hope you will forgive me one day.”

Taro slowly shook his head on his pillow. “Forgiven. I can’t be mad at you.”

“But you should.” Tadashi said while he pulled a chair to the side of Taro’s bed. His gaze lowered to the slender, small hand where a needle for infusions was inserted.

“What happened to your foot?” Tadashi remembered the moment he entered the dancing hall. He saw Taro’s devastating landing and it felt like his heart stop beating that moment.

“Sprained ankle.”

A short pause. Tadashi guessed what it meant.

“How bad?”

Taro pressed his lips together and lowered his gaze. “Pretty bad.”

“Jesus.” Tadashi leaned with his elbows on his knees while he looked up at Taro’s face. “How long does it take to heal?”

“Healing time is not too long but under these circumstances, dancing every day…. doesn’t do the job.”

“That means what?”

“I should have a total rest of four weeks, better six.”

“And your dancing competition is in about six weeks?”

Taro looked beside his bed and not at Tadashi’s face. He carried his pain in his eyes and he knew it. Seeing Tadashi’s pitiful gaze made it only worse.

“Maybe I can make it in two weeks. Now resting four weeks and then continuing with training-“

Taro stopped talking when he felt Tadashi’s warm hand holding his own on the bed. “No.”

Shyly, Taro stuttered some nonchalant excuses but Tadashi only repeated himself. “No Taro. You won’t push yourself. Not if I can help it.”

“But this audition means everything to me!”

“And what if this training costs you your dance ability? Ever thought of that? You better heal slow and clean than taking a risk.”

Taro opened his mouth to retort but closed it again to swallow the tears and sadness which welled up at the back of his throat. He knew that Tadashi was right and he closed his eyes when he felt his head being patted. Now a single tear rolled down his face anyway…. And something inside Tadashi’s heart broke.

“I know that this play means everything to you,” Tadashi tried to comfort him, “but it’s just like you said, it’s scheduled every winter and you will get your chance. You will see.”

Tadashi’s hand still rested on Taro’s hand. It was then that the younger one slipped his arm away underneath Tadashi’s grip…. Only to suddenly holding onto Tadashi’s fingers tightly. The blond seemed surprised at first but it felt quite naturally for him. So he tightened the grip around Taro’s slender hand. The young boy didn’t look Tadashi in the eyes when he answered: “Will you be there? Next year? Same time at the audition?”

Tadashi slowly nodded. “Promise. Always had been.”

A deep breath exhaled and Taro closed his eyes.

“Are you in pain right now?”

Taro shook his head. “They gave me enough pain killers. They’re making me sleepy.”

“I see.” Tadashi wanted to pull his hand away from Taro’s grip but couldn’t because he kept on holding onto him tightly.

“Please don’t leave me. I’m all alone here. I’m always all alone.”

“But your mother was here recently.”

Taro pouted. “That’s not encouraging. She’s always busy.”

Tadashi made a face and scratched his head. “I guess she doesn’t like me.”

Taro opened his eyes again and looked up at Tadashi. “How come?”

“We’ve had a warm welcoming.”

“She’s superficial, that’s all.”

“That’s okay, she's like the rest of the people… but you aren’t.” Tadashi smiled and it melted Taro’s heart away. He looked down and tried not to blush.

“T-that’s because I know you…”

The joy fell from Tadashi’s face and he remembered his harsh words the other day. “Taro-chan, I want to apologize again....”

The young boy looked startled at his friend. “What?”

“Last week… I was very mean to you. I’m sorry for acting like an idiot.”

There was no response but it was enough for Tadashi. It must have hurt Taro quite deeply.

“I wondered why you hated me.”

Tadashi shoot up from his chair, letting go of Taro’s hand. “No no no no no, oh my god! Is that really what you’ve thought? I’m such an asshole really-“

“Then why? I don’t understand.”

Tadashi remained standing, he searched for the right words but rubbed his hair frustrated before he sat down again. “I’m no good Taro. I ruined your reputation everywhere and I’m endangering you.”

Taro was shocked by this assumption. “I’ve never thought that of you!”

“I know. But I did. I can’t keep you selfishly as a friend and endanger you at the same time.”

“The quarrel the other day.…” Taro suddenly recalled.

The blond tried to keep a poker face but Taro always saw through him. Now it was out although he tried to hide the reason for so long. “It’s long over.”

“Apparently it’s not! Am I endangering you Tadashi?” Taro sounded quite serious. He never spoke to Tadashi in a tone like that before and the blond was quite taken aback of it.

“Of course not!”

“Then what?!”

“I fought for our pride! They said mean things about you and me and I won’t tolerate anybody talking bullshit about my friends!”

Taro nodded. Of course Tadashi would defend his ‘friends’… But now everything started to slowly make sense. Tadashi ignoring him and his absence. Under this circumstances their future really seemed unknown.

“Will you leave?” Taro silently asked.

“What? Of course I will. Can’t hardly stay at the hospital. People avoid me here and it’s too risky to bump into your mother again. I don’t want to cause you any more problems-“

“Tadashi!” Taro suddenly burst. “Have you ever thought about yourself instead of what people may think of you?! It doesn’t matter! You’re the punk! You shouldn’t care--!”

“But I do. And not only for me but for you too.”

Taro’s words got stuck in his throat and so were Tadashi’s. The blond had stood up from his chair again, ready to leave the room. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

He closed the door behind him and left speechless Taro behind. Now what was that all about? Did Taro understand that complicated punk-head right? He’d caused him all this sorrow because he actually cared about him? It was so easy but yet too complicated to understand. Too good to be true and to large to misinterpret things. But unwillingly his cheeks were aflame again. That dumb-head! Making it so complicated! They are friends for quite a while now and now he started to realize that people are actually talking? That didn’t make sense!… anyway, Taro didn’t want to flatter himself for jumping to conclusions.

Tadashi re-entered the room and the black haired boy looked at him in silence.

“I’ll be back tomorrow midday during visiting hours.”

“Thank you.”

“In any case… if you need me you can call for me.”

A nod.

“You still got my mobile number?”

“Of course.”

“Baaaaaka. You should have deleted it.”

He shook his head.

“Will your mobile be switched on?” Taro wanted to know.

“All day long.... But now Taro I gotta go. The nurse already scolded me for staying over time.”

“It’s okay.”

Tadashi stepped closer to Taro’s bed. He tousled through his hair. “Sleep.”

Another nod and Tadashi left his side. “See you tomorrow.” And after the door was closed Taro fell asleep shortly afterwards. Repeating that sentence in his head again and again....

Meanwhile, outside the corridor, Tadashi leaned against the wall. He lifted up his hand and looked at it. Some time passed by since they last touched each other.... Tadashi bit his lip when he remembered Taro taking care of his wounded back the other day and now holding his cold hand... small caring gestures but with deep meaning.

That boy, he really gets into trouble all the time and no one seemed to care or take notice of it. When did it start that he felt so protective of Taro? Okay, it was there from the very start…. Anyway….

Tadashi pushed himself away from the wall. “Fuck…” And his boots echoed all the way down the corridor. He didn’t hold back his charms and blinked at the young nurse before he stepped into the elevator and was finally gone.

“Hi girls!” Tadashi greeted friendly the other day when he entered the hospital in the evening to look after Taro. The young nurses were giggling but stopped immediately after the head nurse showed up behind them. Tadashi smiled at himself when he took the next corner to Taro’s room. He stopped in front of it and listened but no one spoke inside, perfect. That meant his mother wasn’t there. Tadashi knocked. No response. He knocked again. Still no response. He then entered slowly…. Only to find himself standing in an empty room. His face paled and he couldn’t move in shock. That was when a nurse looked inside the room.

“May I help you Mr.?”

“Arimura-san? What happened to him?!” There was a slight increase of panic in his voice.

“Don't worry. His mother fetched him earlier this day. He will be resting at home.”

Private information not for Tadashi’s ears but thankfully she was fond of him.

He made a strange face, ready to throw a tantrum. How could she?! After Taro was obviously so hurt… and only the day BEFORE! He stormed out the room with a ‘thanks’ and left the hospital as quick as possible. Outside the hospital he fished out his mobile phone and dialled Taro’s number. He rested a moment, concentrating on the ring up tone… no one answered. Shit.

Outraged and mad about the act which tasted like kidnapping to him. He stomped his way to the subway station. It was then that he felt his mobile phone vibrating. He answered in no time.

“Taro!! What happened?! Are you all right?! Where are you?!”

Tadashi heard him smiling for a second. “Don’t be alarmed. I’m at home and I’m okay.”

“Good to hear…. But why? So sudden?”

It took Taro some time to answer. “My mother wanted to keep me save-“

“Aha.” Came a bitter tone. “From what?”

That Taro couldn’t say and Tadashi knew immediately what their conversation must have been about.

“I understand.”

“No Tadashi! She’s stubborn and full of prejudice! I didn’t listen to a single word she said!”

“I know Taro. But does that mean that I can’t even visit you?”

A deep breath. “Not when she’s at home and believe me, she watches me like a tiger. Now after all these years she actually starts to care…”

“I see. Well Taro, contact me as soon as it’s cool at your place.”

“I will…. Thank you Tadashi.”

“Of course little one! You are my friend!”

Somehow Tadashi felt Taro blushing behind the phone. He didn’t know why he’d said that either but it came out just automatically.

“So take care Taro. Gotta go.”

“Hai. Ja.” And they both hung up.

What kind of a conversation was that? It was surreal. His mother taking Taro to a safe distance from Tadashi and he being dead concerned about him? How should he react to that? Tadashi was eager to talk to Taro in person about all that but when might that be? Not as long as the tigress guards her baby. Wait a minute… how did he get into all this again? Oh perfect. Now this seemed to get interesting and Tadashi knew that he would never give up on Taro either. And he felt that the big trouble was only going to start now.

Chapter Text

Three days past since their last phone call. Taro hadn’t called Tadashi and he hadn’t called either; maybe because he didn’t want to disturb him, his family, whatever. By the end of the fourth day, Tadashi nervously tapped with his pencil against his school book. He wondered when Taro would attend school again. Although he couldn’t attend dance class he’d surely pay attention during the other classes. Tadashi’s plan was settled and come what may he’d visit Taro’s school today…. If only to check that everything was all right.

Tadashi walked up the well-known grounds which he abandoned so well the last few weeks. To him it seemed that a lot had happened since then but at the same time it didn’t. Did he change? Did they both change? In what way? Something seemed to have changed but Tadashi couldn’t name it. It was stupid but somehow he felt at fault. After all it was him who started avoiding Taro and now everything seemed to just be back to normal?

Well known faces from school started to whisper and wonder about the ‘strange punk’ having returned. Tadashi greeted friendly with a ‘yo’ before he’d entered the dance and music building. He walked down the corridor and looked into the different classrooms. Of course Taro wasn’t there. It was only wise for him to rest at home. He took the last turn and stopped in his tracks when he saw a familiar, delicate figure leaning against the wall while holding his crutches. A thousand thoughts went through Tadashi’s head. So he attended school after all! Why didn’t he say a word?! Did he AVOID HIM?!

Taro hadn’t seen him yet and Tadashi already wanted to storm over and start a conversation when suddenly someone else came out of music class. Taro smiled, he leaned up from the wall and got his crutches… can it be? CAN IT BE?! That he’d waited FOR HIM?! Who was it?! A cheap substitute of Tadashi?! The blond fumed… and why? A thousand reasons why! Firstly: Taro not calling Tadashi all these days because he was constantly watched by his mother. Secondly: But now attending class without letting him know?! Thirdly: Spending time with a new school friend?! Was he any better? Did he fit into the ‘upper class theme’? Oh yes, that must be it.

Tadashi wanted to run, to return where he’d come from but his obvious appearance made it impossible to escape soundlessly and quickly. He heard Taro’s chipper voice from behind, calling for him. The punk stopped in his tracks, battling with himself whether to turn around or not…. Christ, he did.

“Tadashi! You’re here!”

“Hn.” He simply answered and thought to himself where the big surprise was. He used to be here on a regular basis. It was stupid he knew that, but it hurt.

Clumsily and with his ‘new friend’ behind him, Taro made his way on crutches over to Tadashi who felt a naturally urge to help and hold him but he hold himself back and remained standing still.

“Tadashi, meet my friend Akira. He’s the sound engineer at our school.”

Akira, who’s style leaned in a similar direction as Tadashi, stretched out his hand and Tadashi, not wanting to be rude, took it. “Nice to meet you.”

“Pleasure is all mine.”

Tadashi hated him. Although he was more than a head shorter than Tadashi, he was tattooed and an aura of a rockstar extended from him. Taro seemed to appeal to such kind of guys. It was only then that Taro realized the ‘pissed off’ aura around Tadashi simply because he was all stiff and didn’t speak. Such a thing almost NEVER occurred. And Taro, being sensitive as ever…

“I’m sorry Tadashi, I wanted to call you but-“

“Nevermind. Just wanted to check if you’re all right… well guess I can leave in peace now.”

“Taro-chan, gotta go.” Akira escaped the situation and tapped Taro on the shoulder when passing him by and nodded at Tadashi. The blond barely nodded back. He crossed his arms and looked down at Taro.... TARO-CHAN!!!! WTFH?!.... The little dark haired boy looked up sheepishly at Tadashi.

“Why are you mad Tadashi?”

“I’m not mad! I’m just relieved to see that you’re doing so perfectly fine without me.”

“What?! What do you mean?!”

People started to look at them in the corridor.

“Nothing. I’ll leave. See ya.”

“Ne wait Tadashi!”

The little injured man followed Tadashi and the blond stopped, seeing Taro acting so desperate. Beaten, he followed Taro out of the building to the back of the dancing hall. There they took a seat.

“I’m sorry. I should have called or at least texted you about being back at school.”

Tadashi didn’t answer. And he didn’t know why himself. It was him in the first place who’d deserted Taro not so long ago. And now it seemed that he tasted his own medicine.

“Fact is I’m guarded like a golden egg by my mother. Day and night.”

“From me, I presume…”

Taro kept silent.

“That Akira guy doesn’t look like a ‘proper’ guy either.”

“What’s Akira got to do with that?” After no reply he asked again. “What Tadashi?”

“YOU TELL ME!! Finding a substitute which fits better into your world… that’s fine with me! I should have never moved into a society so high above mine!”

Tadashi stood up from the bench but Taro got to hold him on his leather jacket. Tadashi stopped. “I should have never returned.” He added and didn’t look back at Taro.

Now that hurt Taro. Did Tadashi really regret that he’d come back? Hesitantly, Taro began to speak.

“I’m guarded day and night. Since I was a child I’ve never had enough air to breathe.” He looked up at Tadashi's back with so much emotion in his eyes. “Dance lessons, all kind of music classes… nothing seemed to happen out of my own free will. Today of course I love all those things but there was a time when life seemed senseless. Every day the same procedures, faces…” He tightened his grip on Tadashi's jacket. “But then you showed up. I’ve never had any close friends.”

Tadashi took a deep breath. He felt Taro holding onto his jacket with tension but still didn't turn around. He continued listening.

“Don’t you leave me too Tadashi. Then I will be all alone again. There is no substitute for you. There never could be.” Taro’s voice sounded very thin. Tadashi shook his head and he sat back onto the bench. He looked aside to the young, broken man who covered his eyes with his hair… because he was silently breaking apart and it broke Tadashi’s heart as well. Quickly and totally unanticipated he lay one arm around Taro’s shoulders and pulled him close. Startled by the intimate contact, Taro stopped to breathe but yet he closed his eyes and leaned against Tadashi’s chest. The tears floated over his face silently and dripped onto Tadashi’s jeans.

“Don’t cry Taro. Not about a bastard like me. I’m sorry for being rude.”

A head shake and Tadashi started to pat over Taro’s head as well.

“I-I don’t want… another friend. I want you as my friend Tadashi. Please don’t be mad at me.”

Tadashi ran his fingers through Taro’s raven black hair until the little boy’s sobs had died down. It was so calming to comb over his silky strands that Tadashi himself was lost with words and his tall hand simply rested on Taro’s head. The little one still leaned with his head against Tadashi’s chest, hardly breathing, taking in the intimate contact. They had never been in such a close contact for such a long amount of time before and neither dared to pull back. Taro took in the well know tobacco scent of Tadashi and his cheeks were all warm. In front of Tadashi he felt all vulnerable and small but not in a negative way, Tadashi always protected him… although he maybe acted kind of jealous today but Taro didn’t want to flatter himself with this kind of thought.

“So…” Tadashi started. “Shall I take you home today?”

Taro leaned up and broke the contact. Collecting himself, Tadashi leaned back against the bench and stretched out his arms over the backrest.

“You see, my mom started to get me every day.”

The surprise was all over Tadashi’s face. He already wanted to blurt it out ‘but that’s my job!’…. but he held himself back.

“Nevermind.” He stood up but Taro knew him too well to see behind his cool pokerface.

“I would rather go home with you.”

Tadashi looked strangely back at the small man and Taro found his failure. “Erm! No! I mean, you know! Being escorted by you is much more fun and… anyway.” He blushed.

“It’s okay.” He smiled, the first smile this day and it imprinted on Taro’s mind. “But Taro, promise me one thing.”

“Hai?”

“If I should ever become a burden you have to tell me.”

“Tadashi! Never!”

“And if you don’t, then I will have to act myself.”

With pleading eyes, Taro darted forward and he hold both of Tadashi’s hands in his. “Please never do this! Because without you, I’m nothing.”

These words carried more meaning than anyhow possible. Tadashi was surprised and felt kind of given too much credit. These words seemed to mean so much more but he couldn’t grasp it. “Wow… that’s melodramatic.”

“I mean it.” Taro was all sincere.

Tadashi nodded. “I know.” A pat on his head and together they walked back and Tadashi left the grounds shortly before Taro’s mum had arrived. And with each minute Tadashi was gone, Taro felt how his heart started to become heavier and the distance between them was so big that he was sure that one day they maybe can’t overcome that distance. And the mere thought of it was unbearable.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was three days later when Tadashi walked up to Taro’s school. In the distance he saw three familiar faces talking to Taro outside the grounds. Adrenaline welled up inside him and he balled his fists. These were the guys from a few months ago who had threatened Taro all these years over.

Tadashi walked faster, he nearly jogged over to Taro and before the little man realized Tadashi standing behind him, the three others did. Their faces sending glares to each other.

“Tadashi! You’re here already?”

“Obviously not early enough. Is there a problem?”

Tadashi looked at the three rich bastards in front of them.

“Doesn’t concern you.” Their leader meant and Tadashi couldn’t help but to see Taro looking down onto his hands. They left without another word spoken.

“Wha-? What was that all about?! Taro?!” Tadashi laid his hands onto the smaller man’s shoulders. “Do they threaten you again?”

The small one shook his head.

“Then what?!”

“Just had a conversation about dance classes. That’s all.” The topic was done for Taro and of course Tadashi didn't buy it. He found Taro being uncomfortable about the topic too. Well at least they didn't seem to threaten him in an obvious way but Tadashi was suspicious anyway.

It was then that Tadashi saw Taro standing without crutches. “You can walk freely again? How’s your foot?”

“Getting better.” A forced smile. “Still hurts now and then but I can walk alone.”

An uncomfortable silence grew and it seemed that no one found a topic.

“You got a new nose piercing!” Taro pointed up at Tadashi.

“Huh? Oh yeah, my second one. Wanted to try it out.” Fact was that Tadashi wore two piercings at one side of his nose now.

“I like that. You can try whatever you feel like.”

“You want to get pierced? I will escort you anytime.” A broad smile over Tadashi’s face while they continued to walk back to school.

“Nah, I don’t think I could handle the pain.”

“Pleeeease, what pain? Look at you! Dancing like a pro on your toes now that’s pain!”

Taro smiled insecure and he hated himself for sending out his feelings uncontrollably. Tadashi always seemed to know how he felt like. “You will dance again and you will be better than anyone else.”

“Thank you Tadashi.” He murmured. Fact was he really missed dancing and coming to school and only watching it didn’t really help either. Not to mention the audition he dreamed of for such a long time now.

“Ne Taro… how long is your mother going to be fetching you from school?”

“I have no idea. Maybe until the end of the school year… why?”

“Hnnnnn. Just… I’m just feeling uncomfortable about you being watched by your enemies. I should get you from school again.”

“But-!” Taro stopped before he ended the sentenced with ‘it’s impossible!’ Fact was that his mother highly forbade him to ever meet Tadashi again. The blond looked at Taro and narrowed his eyes. “Your mum forbade you to see me, I get it.”

“But I don’t care.” Taro wanted to hear Tadashi encouraging him but he didn’t. “As long as she doesn’t see you…”

“Taro-chan… I know I’m the punk here. Breaking rules and stuff…but I would never do something that could possibly endanger other people. And your parents do pay for your education.”

“I know but-!”

What Tadashi wanted to say…. “I couldn’t live with the thought of you being taken out of school because of me.”

“But Tadashi-!”

“Don’t you understand Taro?! This is your future and I won’t ruin it!”

“What are you trying to say?” Taro’s eyes started to water up but Tadashi tried to ignore it. Repressing the urge to hug him tightly.

“I will be there if any threat or violence gets to you. But for the rest of the time… Taro it’s better to stay away from me until your health and parents have calmed down.”

“But I need you! You’re my friend! My-!” Taro wanted to say ‘inspiration’ but he’d have felt childish being so full of temper. “Y-you’re my friend… Tadashi….” He really started to cry and it could have melted Tadashi’s heart at once but he didn’t allow himself to get attached to it.

“It’s for your own good. I am your friend and you will never lose me. You can call me during school hours or anytime you wish.”

The little, devastated man shook his head. “T-that’s not the same!” He sobbed. “We… we’ve spent so much time together….”

“We will again.” Tadashi passed Taro because he wanted to leave the grounds. It was cold, he knew that but it was better this way. He imagined the three culprits telling anything to Taro’s mum… now he, had become the danger for Taro.

“I will hear from you later?” Tadashi wanted to leave now. He backed off when Taro wanted to give him a ‘good-bye-hug’… and nothing could have hurt Taro more.

“Bye.” And with his hands in his pockets, Tadashi left, feeling holes burning into his back.

Taro turned his gaze down when the blond had disappeared behind the corner and the salty tears felt all warm against his cold cheeks. The sun shone sanctimoniously against the numb cheeks of his pale face and the brightness all of a sudden hurt his eyes and his heart. Although Tadashi only wanted to disappear for an unknown amount of time, the mere thought of it rubbed Taro all of his strength. He felt helpless and senseless for being left behind. How could he possibly concentrate on the upcoming exams?

The little, helpless person picked up his red messenger bag and slung it over his shoulder. There he waited in front of the gate until his mother arrived half an hour later. His thinking, feeling and acting all became motorized actions, his mind standing totally aside. He felt nothing but emptiness.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tadashi recalled their last conversation over and over again. The whole remaining day, the following days afterwards…. Recalling their last words. The nights were horrible when he had time to think about everything. And he remembered Taro’s face all clear, seeing his crying face right in front of him and it hurt him too. He felt hurt too. At first he didn’t want to admit it to himself but he couldn’t stand the thought of Taro being hurt… but he had no choice! Tadashi felt bad about everything. God he felt bad about it the moment he had told him that he would stay away until things were all cool again. How stupid of him and yet so absolutely necessary. No, he wouldn't threaten Taro’s education any longer. Not for his selfish wish to see his friend he’d started to feel so attached to.

Tadashi turned around probably the 100th time in his bed. There was no use finding any sleep this night either. And in the mornings he was too tired to attend school. Fact was that he’d skipped school the last three days again. Of course his mother got the change of mind immediately and although she kept on asking what was wrong, he never answered.

He switched his mobile phone on again after he’d turned it off 20 minutes ago. No, he mustn’t call. Taro had written him one sms the same evening they’d last seen each other:

‘When are you coming back?’

But Tadashi never answered… Yes, maybe he cowardly ran away from something which had become much bigger. Something that has gotten out of hands but neither one of them was able to control. Now it was only fate to give them directions. Not that Tadashi ever believed in it…

But what if this Akira guy became Taro’s new ‘best friend’? Somehow that thought… itched Tadashi. Wasn’t it ‘his’ job to look after Taro? It was the reason how they’d met. Taro was always in need of protection. Gosh! Tadashi only hoped that he’d done the right thing…. It was for Taro’s own good. All for him. Tadashi was only a ‘good-for-nothing’, Taro had plans and he wouldn't threaten them.

Tadashi jolted in his bed when his mobile phone lightened up the dark room all of a sudden… but it was only the low battery responding to him. Annoyed about being such a nerve wrack, he switched it off…. Only to surely switch it back on 15 minutes later and he hated himself for being so predictable. What had happened to him? His ‘non caring, bad-ass attitude’ had turned into something he had never been before. It was annoying and Tadashi started to realize that he had reached a point where things actually started to hurt. Great. He hated it.

Tadashi observed his surroundings, everything became just like it used to be before he had known Taro. He skipped school and went back to his usual ‘non caring’- form until the nags of his mother became unbearable again and he went back to school for one or two days. He was involved in all kind of brawls again, black eyes, hurting ribcage, scratches…. And no one who would care for it but why should it be any different? He had brought all of this onto himself. And just in case he should ‘care’ that was the way he should stay: alone.

One day, Takashi, his only friend at school besides the other culprits had noticed Tadashi’s absence of mind.

“If you ask me and I’m sure you don’t.... I liked the new Tadashi better than the old one.”

“Shut up Takashi.”

“Just saying… I have no idea what happened to you but there you go again: It’s eating you alive.”

“SHUT UP TAKASHI! You have NO IDEA what’s going on!!”

“Then tell me.”

“NO.”

“Ooooooh, I see.”

“Keep your assumptions to yourself.”

“Maybe…”

“I SAID-!” Tadashi stood up from his seat.

“All right. I’ll shut up… well at least it’s not my problem to care for that boy…”

Tadashi had his mouth opened in rage and his eyes narrowed into a threatening glare. “What the hell are you talking about?!” Tadashi kicked one table aside and the whole class seemed to observe them now during their lunch breaks. Takashi crossed his arms over his chest, only to glare back at Tadashi. He didn’t say a word. The blond had enough of this stupid talk, he tossed the chairs out of his way while he walked out of the classroom. And then he was gone.

Takashi shook his head in disbelieve and gestured his classmates to go on eating.

Fuming, outraged, absolutely mad and pissed off the punk stomped aimlessly through town. He couldn’t believe what Takashi had just said…. Or what he hadn’t said but Tadashi knew which direction he was aiming at….. WHAT A COMPLETE FOOL HE IS!!! How can he make such assumptions! It’s scandalous! He… CARING?! In what way?! Never!

The blond kicked a can out of his way and hurt a passenger in front of him at his foot. He passed him while getting lectured and all Tadashi did was screaming blindly back at him and continuing his way through town. It took another half an hour of strolling about until he calmed down again. Now he clearly thought about it and he had to admit to himself that he always cared about Taro… but in what way? He didn’t dare to answer that question himself. Maybe because he didn't have an answer.

A long time passed since they had last seen or heard of each other and it already seemed like ages. Although he didn’t want to admit it but he hoped at some point to completely forget about Taro... but he couldn’t. His little friend haunted his thoughts which were only distracted when attending school… but on the other hand not even then. Tadashi was afraid something stupid might have happened to him but then calling or even looking after him would only make things worse. He didn’t want to threat Taro’s chances, in any way. This is what Tadashi believed in. He was deadly curious about how he was but never contacted Taro.

The first snow started to fall. It was end of November and he wore the black gloves Taro had given to him one year ago… he wondered how quickly time passed and what changed since then. How did they change? At least he had to admit that he felt as empty like he did all these years before he had met Taro. Together they had fun, they had each other, enjoyed each others company and yet… everything just went its way somehow…

Christ, he never used to think so much about anything. Tadashi recalled that one year ago Taro was training like hell for the dance competition this winter… he so wanted to take part in the ballet… what was it called again? Oh yes, 'the Nutcracker'… and only one moment of carelessness and his dream was shattered. Tadashi still saw Taro falling down to the ground in slow motion. In some way it had hurt him as well…

Okay, maybe that was what people call ‘caring’.

He kicked a pebble out of his way and lit another cigarette.

The next two weeks he attended school regularly but only because his mother was in some kind of winter depression and he couldn’t stand the air at home. Takashi never asked him about Taro again and neither did Tadashi talk about him. Of course he thought about him but not that intensive like he used to. He assured himself that it was okay to feel nonchalant about everything and especially about a certain person… when on 1st of December Tadashi’s mobile phone buzzed in his pockets. Sleepy from history class he fished it out and widened his eyes when he saw the sender of the sms and the message:

‘Tonight 7 pm, city hall.’

Tadashi moved nervously in his seat and looked around in panic. What was this all about? The teacher then asked him if everything was all right and Tadashi only nodded. He read the message again underneath his table but the text didn’t change. What could he possibly mean by that? Of course the message was from Taro but without any explanation or personal message. OF COURSE Tadashi would be there this evening, alone out of curiosity. A thousand thoughts went through his mind… what was it? And as much as he hated himself for it, he could hardly wait until 7 pm.

Tadashi just managed to get to the city hall in time. Bloody class had lasted until 6 pm and the train seemed to take forever to the other side of town. He was out of breath when he reached the city hall. Stressed, he stormed in and froze when he read the sign at the door. He turned around a second time to read it again and his eyes widened in shock… can it be?

And he dashed into the big entrance hall.

Chapter Text

Piano music hailed from inside the huge, luxurious opera hall. It was the very hall where the ballet takes place every evening. It was a splendid baroque opera house in gold and red velvet.

Tadashi stormed backstage. He was familiar with the area because Taro took him there countless times during rehearsal. Sometimes their classes had taken place in there to get the right feeling of stage and appearance. Not to count the fantastic acoustic in this huge building. It was creepy how he felt familiar with this place yet hadn’t been there in so long.

Coming backstage, Tadashi passed know faces. Now and then people even said ‘hi’. How long has it been since they last saw each other? About two months? And still people remembered him. He hated to admit it but it felt good.

Some students were stretching and warming up for their dance. Tadashi still couldn’t believe it. Taro couldn't be serious. He looked over the crowd of students and teachers backstage but he couldn’t find the one person he came here for.
Tadashi stopped in his tracks when the chattering suddenly died down and Taro’s name was said out loud through the speakers. The lights on stage and backstage dimmed down and Tadashi froze for one moment. He fought his way to the back entrance of the huge stage but it was crowded with all the students who wanted to take a peek through the open sides of the stage. Everything being hopelessly crowded, he dashed out the backstage room and his heart seemed to stop beating when the piano started to play.

He ran through the corridor and opened one door to the side entrance of the audience hall. There he closed the door silently behind himself, seeing the jury of six people sitting in front of the stage and almost all of the seats behind them empty, except of a few parents watching their children.

Absent-minded, Tadashi took a seat in the middle of the empty audience hall and he shook his head in disbelieve. When did he train for that? The past two months? And what about his ankle? A thousand questions came into mind. It was the official audition for 'the nutcracker’ and right now, at this very moment, his eyes couldn’t believe it but Taro danced there all in front of them, the role of his life, all illuminated by one spotlight, live piano music and the jury watched every step of him, every move of his trained body.

Tadashi rubbed his eyes in disbelieve and he sweated because he was nervous as hell. He had his fists balled so tight that his knuckles became all white. Inwardly he prayed for Taro to end the dance successfully without a failure.

Ryutaro was so beautiful when he danced. All his limbs stretched, his figures and moves came all so naturally. He danced so at ease and yet Tadashi couldn’t help but to look at the hurt ankle now and then.
Another jump and Taro landed steadily on his foot. Tadashi narrowed his eyes yet the black strands of hair swung beautifully to the classic piano music. Only three more jumps and he was done. Tadashi caught himself knowing the choreography by heart. How could he not? He was with Taro all the time he had practised and within an instant Tadashi felt that it was wrong to leave him. He suddenly felt so sorry for leaving Taro in this hard time alone… he was such a fool, all the time it was him, all his fault.

Another gracious move with Taro’s tender hand before he took the run for the final jump…. Tadashi balled his fists again… Taro ran and he jumped… one pirouette, landing, second jump, pirouette, landing, double pirouette, landing and done, without a failure or shaking.

Taro kneeled on the ground, with his arms stretched into the air and the dance was over. The piano music stopped and Tadashi jumped out of his seat, ready to clap his hands but stopped when no one else did.

The jury started whispering to each other and took notes. Tadashi saw Taro’s teacher sitting among them. Taro had meanwhile stood up from the ground and stood there all alone on stage in front of the jury and waited for their judgement. It was then when the dark haired little dancer saw a puff of blond hair sitting in the middle of the audience hall… and his heart jumped. Tadashi saw Taro beaming happily for one moment but went back into serious state when one man from the jury cleared his throat. One woman next to him started to speak.

“Arimura-san… your dance was very beautiful and full of heart.”

The man continued. “Your dance and expression is very profound and full of feeling. You know the dance and its character by heart.”

Taro nodded and bent down slightly.

“You teacher told us that you’ve been training very long for this part.” Taro nodded and was thankful that no one seemed to have taken notice of his harmed ankle. Fact was that he had begged his teacher to not tell anybody about it because he wanted to take part in this competition as an equal.

“But…” Of course the ‘but’ had to come… “I’m afraid to tell you that your body form seems not to fit the role you’re anticipating for.”

Tadashi opened his mouth and wanted to retard loud. He seemed to feel Taro’s heart breaking and the delicate person on stage really had trouble to keep his face collected.

“What I want to say is…” The leading manager of the opera house continued, “… that your body is quite delicate and I’m sure we can find you a role in the play. I’m talking about a female part here. What do you think of it?”

Taro moved his head insecure and looked down at his fumbling hands. A thousand things went through his head and he opened his mouth. It took him a moment to answer loud. “I will think about it.”

The man nodded. “You can take your time because if you agree to dance a female role I will see you in the play next year. You will have to train your new role until next Christmas then.”

“I understand.” Taro bent down deeply and said his thank you’s before he turned around to leave the stage.

Tadashi at the same time jumped out of his seat and stormed backstage. In the corridor Tadashi heard the pupils howling and clapping their hands, calling Taro’s name and speaking all at once. They were obviously thrilled by Taro’s dance and congratulated him. The petite man himself was totally surprised by the sudden fame he seemed to have gained over night. Most of the students respected him for taking part although his ankle was badly hurt not so long ago.

Tadashi entered the backstage room and he looked over the heads of the crowd. So many people and mostly of Taro’s school, talking to him and not letting go. It was then when the door closed behind Tadashi that their eyes met and the blond knew immediately that something (apart from not getting his favourite role) was terribly wrong. Tadashi stormed towards the crowd, shoving people out of his way.

“Make way!!”

He literally fought himself through to Taro. He caught the exhausted young man in his arms before he collapsed completely on the floor. On his forehead was cold sweat because of the slowly increasing fever. People around them gasped in shock from the sudden turn of occasion. Tadashi lifted the petite man up and held him secure in his arms.

“You came, you really came…” Taro whispered against Tadashi’s chest but the blond only hushed him. “Of course I came. It was a promise.... This was the best dance I’ve ever seen.”

Taro smiled while Tadashi carried him out the corridor where emergency physicians were present during the audition. Seeing Tadashi carrying Taro they pointed them straight over to a provisional bed.

“Exhausted and a fever.” The doctor said while he examined Taro. The little man shivered from feeling cold and Tadashi held his hand.

Taro suppressed the pain that set in right after the dance was over. Fact was that his foot was not all healed and he was only able to dance because of all the pain killers he had taken before the audition.

“Taro, are you all right?” Tadashi asked after watching his face. “You are in pain! It’s your foot right? I knew it was too early for you to dance… Doctor? What about some pain killers? His foot hurts pretty bad!”

The doctor looked at the swollen ankle and Tadashi moved down to Taro’s feet to remove the tight dancing shoes. Now being released from the pressure it only hurt more. Taro moaned out while still having his eyes closed. Tadashi suddenly held a pack of ice against it and the young man winced.

“I’ll give him an injection for his pain.”The doctor kneeled down to Taro’s arm and injected it. “Are his parents present?”

The younger one shook his head.

“I will take him home.” Tadashi said immediately.

“Wait another ten minutes and then you can go. He shouldn’t walk today.”

“Understood.”

And the doctor left them alone.

“Tadashi….” Taro snivelled and the blond moved up to his side. He took Taro’s hand again immediately and cared over his head. Seeing the young man shivering, Tadashi took off his jacket and lay it over Taro.

“You’re all alone here?”

He nodded, eyes closed. “My mother doesn’t know.”

“Hm….” Tadashi thought about it. “You are one crazy little man, you know that? But thank you…"

“For what?”

“For letting me know. I’m honored you let me take part in your beautiful dance.. although I was such an asshole.”

Taro squeezed Tadashi’s hand. “Don’t say that Tadashi, you are not. I know you had your reasons.”

“No reasons, just being stupid. I should have supported you, always.”

“I was never mad at you… I missed you, terribly. These were the loneliest months in my life."

Out of the blue and without a reason, Tadashi bent down and kissed Taro's hair. The little man opened his eyes in surprise and looked up at Tadashi. The blond then felt his forehead and looked concerned.

“I will take you home with me today. I won’t leave you alone this night and neither to your mum.”

Taro nodded and couldn’t help for his heart to beat faster. This was no dream… After all his absence, Tadashi returned today and he even wanted to take him home with him.

“I’ll get your things.” Tadashi disappeared, only to come back moments afterwards.

“Ne, I’m tired Tadashi.”

The blond swung Taro’s bag over his shoulder and he picked the little man up from the bed, holding him in his arms. He adjusted his jacket over Taro once again and they left the opera house and Tadashi walked over to a nearby taxi to get a ride home. Screwing the fact that this ride would cost all of his lunch money for the entire week.

Taro leaned his head against Tadashi’s shoulder while he fell asleep now and then. After their ride, Tadashi picked him up again and he made his way into his apartment. Carefully he opened the door and passed the living room where his mother was watching TV.

“Hi mum.” He simply said and thankfully she only replied and didn’t turn around.

In complete darkness, Tadashi made his way through his room and he lay Taro down onto his bed.

“Is there anything I can get you? I will get you some tea.” He covered Taro with his blanket and put down his bag next to him before he left the room. Taro took in the sensation of lying in Tadashi’s bed, on his cushion, smelling the long missed scent and his mind would have gone crazy about imagining just how things were compared to this morning but he was too tired and the pain killers finally worked.

Tadashi re-entered with tea and a pack of ice. He pulled up the blanket at the end of the bed. “Don’t be surprised.” He laid the pack onto Taro’s ankle and the young man in his doze moved slightly startled. He opened his eyes and took the tea Tadashi had offered. He leaned up on his elbow and drank it.

“Thank you, for everything.”

“Don’t mention it.” Tadashi looked down.

“I’m so happy you came today. So happy that I don’t care about not getting the role.”

Tadashi stretched out his hand again and cared over Taro’s face. “Your dance was perfect.”

“You know…” Taro blushed in the semi darkness of Tadashi’s room, “… it was all for you.”

Tadashi’s hand glided down to Taro’s chin. “How can you be so lovely…” Tadashi shook his head and lowered it, their faces being apart only inches, “… although I was such an asshole.” He looked up and found himself looking into Taro’s dark eyes. He felt the young man breathing against his lower lip and in reflex they both closed their eyes… and for the first time their lips met, hesitantly but Tadashi held onto Taro’s chin and his hand glided down his neck and he pulled him closer. They kissed again but this time more intense and Taro gasped from the contact. It was so sweet and Tadashi felt no urge to stop but to kiss him again…. Taro melted by his touch and his heart beat like mad. The drowsiness was all gone and he drank in the feeling and the very moment with Tadashi. The blond licked over his lips and their kiss deepened. Tadashi literally kissed Taro down onto his bed while he leaned over the young man. He was so sexy doing that… Taro was in wonderland and let him do anything.

Tadashi leaned over Taro who lay on his back. With one hand the blond pulled down the comforter from Taro while the other hand still rested around Taro’s neck. Tadashi touched his way up over Taro’s flat chest and rested at the side of his ribcage…. Taro almost went crazy from the feeling of Tadashi’s hands on his body. Taro kissed him back tenderly but opened his eyes when he felt Tadashi pulling back from the kiss. He moved his head aside, not looking at Taro and he removed his hand from Taro’s chest.

“I’m sorry. I got caught in the moment.”

Taro moved up his arms and held Tadashi’s head in between his hands to make him look back at him. “Don’t stop.” He looked with this dark, pleading eyes up at Tadashi, his lips flushed. That was indirect seduction and Tadashi, weak when it comes to pleasures, a poor victim.

To his misery, Taro leaned up on his elbows and he kissed Tadashi slowly underneath his earlobe… all his good will was forgotten within a second and the blond moaned out loud while a shiver went down his spine. Taro just hit the jackpot and found his sensitive spot… not that the younger man hadn’t noticed. He licked over the same spot before he bit into it and Tadashi sunk his hand into Taro’s raven black hair.

“Taro…. you should… stop. I don’t want to hurt you.”

The young man stopped and whispered at Tadashi’s ear. “You will hurt me if you stop.”

“No sense like always.” Tadashi pushed Taro down onto his bed while he fully moved on top of him. Now he came closer to the point where it was impossible to stop.

“Just be careful with my ankle.”

Tadashi lifted one eyebrow. “I will try.” And his cold hands glided down Taro’s tight dancing shirt which was closed underneath his pelvis. So he had to remove the tight trouser at first. Tadashi moved down and removed the trousers carefully over Taro’s ankle. He glided up with his hands Taro’s trained but slender legs, making the young man shiver. Tadashi stopped at the bottom clasps of Taro’s shirt, realizing that he was wearing nothing underneath.

“You’re not wearing underwear?”

“Not in dancing suits. No one does.”

“And people tell me I’m weird.” Before he ended the sentence Tadashi removed his own shirt and his silver pierced nipples lightened in the moonlit night. Taro blushed and turned away his head but his body showed Tadashi that he was more than excited. The blond who kneeled above Taro, took Taro's slender hand and placed it over one of his nipples. Taro looked back, totally blushed. “Does it hurt?”

Tadashi had his eyes half closed. “Never.”

Taro moved up slowly and he replaced his hand with his mouth. Tadashi let out a sexy groan while he tossed his head back, he held Taro lovingly at the side of his head. Admittedly, the blond HAD thought about intimate possibilities and he'd thought that he'd have more difficulties doing it with the same gender but right now everything was just plain, freaking hot.

Taro played at the piercing with his tongue and slowly nibbled on it. The young man touched Tadashi’s other pierced nipple and his small, cold hands started teasing him there as well. Tadashi couldn’t believe that Taro was such a tease. True it was surely the first man for him too but things always seemed to work out somehow.

Tadashi wandered down his hands to Taro’s groin, eventually streaking Taro’s manhood while he opened the bottom clasp of his training suit. The young man stopped sucking Tadashi's nipple and moaned when he felt the blond's warm hands touching him there.

Tadashi enjoyed being in control again and after he managed to open the clasp, he massaged Taro down there and the young man started to moan against Tadashi’s chest. Oh Taro was so sweet being horny and Tadashi wanted to hear him scream and moan his name, lying all sprawled and hot underneath his body.

The blond stopped massaging him, afraid of him to come too early and he pushed him down onto the mattress again. He moved over Taro and took in the small, pink nipple and bit onto it. Taro held back a scream and he sunk his hands into Tadashi’s hair. He licked and teased him until it wasn’t enough and Tadashi let go of him, only to wander down and taking in Taro’s swollen manhood.

Now he really gasped out loud, saying Tadashi’s name and moving clumsily against his hot mouth. Taro put up his healthy leg onto the mattress and Tadashi took his chance and grabbed him in between his legs, starting to stretch him up. He could feel Taro close to climax and he removed his mouth, only to wait a bit. The young man breathed heavily, his body covered in sweat, his cheeks red and his hair messy, it was so sexy and he so innocent. Taro was so sensitive that Tadashi was sure that it must be the first time for him ever. So he needed to be extra careful.

The blond removed his trouser and boxers, his muscular body was so sexy in the dim moonlight... Taro's gaze wandered down and he looked at this swollen manhood and became nervous about the thought of it entering him.

“Don’t panic, I will stretch you up some more… maybe we need some cream or oil….”

Taro moved aside to his bag and got some Vaseline out of it. Tadashi gave him a strange look. “Don’t tell me you're prepared….”

“No no!” Taro shook his hands wildly. “It’s for sensitive skin. I’m using it after dancing.”

“Hai hai....” Tadashi said with a husky tone and took the Vaseline while he moved forward to Taro and kissed him tenderly onto his lips again. Taro closed his eyes and kissed him back. He stopped when he felt something cold touching him down there. He was startled.

Tadashi smiled at himself and whispered at Taro’s ear. “You are too sensitive.” He penetrated him with one finger and the young man held onto Tadashi’s shoulders clumsily. He could feel the hot breath of Tadashi on his own shoulder and felt his erection touching his tights. Tadashi waited for Taro to get used to it and he knew when Taro started to moaned out loud.

“You know, my mum is down there.” He smiled.

Taro had his eyes squeezed shut. “I’ll do my best to be quiet.”

Tadashi then moved back himself and above him while he put up one of Taro’s legs again. He removed his hand and lowered over Taro’s chest, their erections touching. He touched Taro’s manhood again and the young man started to moan immediately. His clumsy reactions were so alluring.

Tadashi moved his head to Taro’s face and kissed him onto the side of his mouth, then his mouth while at the same time he pushed into him but stopped halfway when he felt the young man gasping into his mouth and wriggling underneath him, his eyes squeezed shut in pain.

“It hurts!” He groaned against Tadashi’s mouth and the blond stopped moving above him.

“I'll wait.” At the same time he started massaging Taro again. “Hold onto me.” Tadashi said and Taro moved up his arms to Tadashi’s shoulders. The blond tried to move again and Taro’s face tensed in pain but at the same time he started to moan from the hand job he got. Now he got him. Taro moaned sweetly at Tadashi’s shoulder while the blond slowly pushed deeper into him, waiting again and then they finally got it... easier than expected, Tadashi thought for himself. And it felt so right and good.

Taro gripped into Tadashi’s back, holding back a tear but at the same time pain and pleasure mixed and soon it was forgotten, the sensation taking over. Tadashi held himself back and only moved slowly within him while he felt Taro being soon close to climax. He was so petite, so fragile in his arms, so breaking apart under his touch... it drove Tadashi crazy but he held himself back. It was Taro’s first time and he would pamper him today.

“Tadashi!” He moaned and called out his name repeatedly which was so alluring. Tadashi kissed him at the side of his face and he felt him coming in his hand.

Sheepishly, Taro excused himself. “I'm sorry.”

“It's okay.” Tadashi couldn't fully hide his amusement and cleaned himself off before he lowered down over Taro again. He moved underneath him slowly, making the young man moan even more. Tadashi sank his hands down at the side of Taro’s ribcage, underneath Taro’s arms and held him tight there while he moved down to his nipples and licked and teased them. It was then that he slightly moved faster and deeper, making the young man immediately cry out again.

Tadashi was close to climax and he closed his eyes, moving up from Taro’s chest, leaning on his hands. He moved above Taro and the young man drunk in the sexy view he got. Tadashi was so arousing and his body was so beautiful and strong. Taro felt like falling in love even more. With one last movement, Taro felt him coming inside him while he held onto Tadashi’s arms. The blond rested his naked body on Taro’s chest. He encircled the tender man underneath him with one arm underneath Taro’s neck and pulled him close to his side of his head. Taro kissed Tadashi’s ear and encircled the blond’s back with his arms, holding him close, feeling them being connected for a little longer.

Now after all this time, he was with Tadashi and the feeling of pure luck and happiness was so strong that all the pain in his body was forgotten and what counted was only the moment.

The following morning, Tadashi opened his eyes and found something warm against his chest. Still drowsy he squeezed his eyes shut from the morning sun. He looked down and found Taro cuddling up against him, the black hair sprawled over his cushion and one of his shoulders bare. Tadashi pulled up the blanket and tugged Taro in tightly. The young man moaned and snuggled closer. Tadashi smiled at himself. Taro was like a child but at the same time he was often more grown up than Tadashi. He was so sweet, so warm in his arms... he totally got him.

In reflex, like he always did, he cared through Taro’s hair and the last night passed through his mind. Christ they loved and touched each other everywhere and yet…. It felt not strange to Tadashi. On the contrary, it felt so normal with Taro. So nice and sexy. Suddenly all the doubts and thoughts were gone. And Tadashi felt more protective of Taro than ever. Right now the bare thought of letting him go seemed painful…. So they made love last night.

Tadashi slowly pulled down the blanket down again and kissed Taro’s shoulder. The young man moaned in his sleep and turned onto his back, still having his eyes closed. Tadashi moved his head to the side of Taro’s throat and kissed him there. He was ticklish there and Taro smiled in his sleep, moving away from Tadashi’s teasing mouth. His slender hands reached up to Tadashi’s half-shaved head and he touched him on his temple lovingly. The blond started nibbling on Taro’s flesh but the younger man moved away from underneath him. “Tadashi! No hickeys!”

The blond moved up and looked into Taro’s eyes. “Then somewhere where people can’t see it.”

He moved down Taro’s chest and kissed him on his stomach. His skin was so smooth, so white and perfect, Tadashi couldn’t get enough of this skin. “Tadashi!” Taro gasped by the wet contact with his stomach.

“I…. should go…. Home.”

Tadashi stopped and moved up. “I know. But I want to keep you here.”

Taro smiled, he moved up his hand and touched Tadashi’s face. He loved doing that. “Thank you for taking care of me yesterday.”

Tadashi smiled dirtily. “Any time babe.”

Taro blushed. “That’s not what I meant!”

Tadashi nodded. “I know…. You’re welcome.”

“It meant everything to me… you being there.”

“Although you scared me to death! By the way, how is your foot?... I can't believe I took advantage of a harmed person....” Tadashi mumbled.

Taro smiled while he moved up from the bed and slowly tried to stand on it. He winced while he put barely weight on it… and he had to admit to himself that it was a rather stupid idea to dance last night.

“All right,” Tadashi moved up from his bed as well and helped Taro to collect his clothes. “We'll see a doctor later.”

A silent tone of agreement.

“Before breakfast, you can have a shower if you like? Mum has left the house early today.”

“Thank you.” And clumsily, Taro made his way out of the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Taro came down into the kitchen, smelling fresh coffee, seeing Tadashi standing in the kitchen with black jeans and some T-Shirt on. The blond turned around. “Hey, have a seat.”

The young man took the offer and looked around the tiny kitchen. Tadashi saw his face. “It’s not what you’re used to.”

“Hah? Oh no, it’s totally fine, really.” He smiled and Tadashi put down a cup of coffee. “Thank you.”

The blond settled down in front of Taro and took a sip as well.

“You know,” Taro started, “I will respect your decision no matter what.”

“What decision?” Tadashi had no idea what he was talking about.

“I’m sorry if I seemed forward last night. I don’t wanted to force myself onto you and-“ Taro stopped when Tadashi put his cup down slightly agitated.

“I don't want to lose you as a friend. I couldn't stand losing you again.”

There was slight desperation in Taro's voice and Tadashi walked up to him. He pulled a chair right in front of Taro and took a seat. Then he held Taro on his chin and looked straight at him. “Taro, you didn’t force yourself onto me. On the contrary. I felt like seducing you.”

“Wha-? Never!”

Tadashi continued. “I was arrogant and full of myself when I left you but you always forgave me. I was never interested in anyone before you... You will never lose me again. Not as a friend and not as a lover.”

Taro's eyes started to beam out of happiness and luck. He would have never dared to dream about Tadashi telling him this one day. The blond smiled and finally lowered his lips onto Taro's mouth and kissed him. When Tadashi turned around again, he felt Taro encircling his stomach from behind with his arms and leaning with his head against his back.

“The past months I was a mess without you and still couldn’t be mad at you.” Taro whispered.

“I hate to admit it… but me too.” Tadashi held onto Taro's arms which tightened for a single moment and then Taro let him go back to his seat.

“So…” Tadashi started again. “About your beautiful, stunning and perfect dance last night…"

Taro's eyes showed signs of being deeply hurt. “They didn’t like it!” Tadashi hated seeing Taro hurt so he reached over the table and held Taro's hand.

“That’s not true. The judge said himself that it was a dance with a lot of heart… just not for that role. Will you consider his offer?”

A deep sigh. “I will think about it, talk to my teacher. But at first my foot needs to be completely healed.”

Tadashi flipped his index finger against Taro’s head. “You better do.”

Taro rubbed his head while Tadashi put his mug into the sink. “Ready to leave soon?”

“Yes!” And they left the house moments afterwards to see a doctor at the well known hospital.

Taro called his mother before he went into the x-ray room. Not because he liked her to be there but because of insurance matters. Meanwhile Tadashi sat in the waiting corner, reading some magazines but he stopped reading when he felt eyes burning holes into his head. He looked up and found Taro’s mum staring at him… personally staring at him if there was such a thing. Of course she recognized him from that day in the hospital and by the looks of her she didn’t like it one bit, Tadashi being there.

“May we have a talk outside?”

Definitely not a chipper chat. “Sure.” And Tadashi stood up, being half a metre taller than she was. He followed her like an obedient dog outside the corridor to the stairwell house.

“I can see…” She started with her arms crossed in front of her chest, “… that Ryutaro is quite attached to you.”

“We are friends and I look out for him.” Better spare the news.

“As noble as your intentions may be unfortunately I can’t approve of this friendship.”

Tadashi narrowed his eyes, looking at her questioning. “Is it my looks? Me having no money or maybe both?” Tadashi tried to stay calm but could never help himself than being straight forward.

“There are many reasons and if you’re really concerned about his wellbeing, you'd stay out of his life.”

A strong hit into his guts couldn’t have hurt Tadashi deeper. “You see Mrs. Arimura…. I don’t know if you ever knew but before I met Taro he was constantly bullied at school. The day I found it out I never left his side again… well until recently and I hate myself for leaving him alone the past few months.”

“You should have stayed away from him.”

Tadashi was shocked about the cold hearted comment. Honestly, didn’t she care at all? “And then what? He needs protection and he needs a friend, no parents can compensate for that. He’s important to me and I’m able to protect him from any danger.”

Taro’s mum shook with her head. She didn’t really listen and she didn’t care either. All she was concerned about was their reputation. “Anyway… you better stay away from him or I will send him to another school.”

Anger and rage built up inside of Tadashi and he held his breath. He was really bad with threats, especially when they were meant for him but he calmed himself down. It was Taro’s mum and any stupid act could cost him everything right now.

Without another word, Mrs. Arimura opened the door but Tadashi pressed it shut with his hand and the woman looked up shocked at the Punk who repressed his anger. He spoke calmly. “I will look out for him, always and believe me no matter what you do I will find him.”

“Are you threatening me?”

Tadashi let go of the door. This woman was as hard as iron and without a heart.

“No.”

And without a second look the woman re-entered the main building of the hospital and left Tadashi behind in the stairwell house. The punk looked at his hands and found them shaking, he walked to the stairs and sat down on them. He had to wait until she was gone or else they’d continue to argue.

He grabbed into his hair and closed his eyes. This stuff was much tougher than all the fights he had been involved with. And the fact which scared him most was that she was absolutely able to harm them because she had the money and funds…. It was a mess. Now that they’d found each other again another threat was about to separate them… and Tadashi would be damned if he allowed it to happen again. That’s what he was sure of… and he realized that he’d already reached a point where a life without Taro seemed senseless to him. Stress and a feeling of helplessness crept up his mind, befell him and held him tight in its cold clutch. He needed a smoke outside, desperately. He would come back later anyway.

It was ten minutes later that a message from Taro arrived. His mother had collected him straight from the X-Ray room and taken him home. Tadashi was so mad that he wanted to smash his mobile phone on the street. So this was how it all began. He had to talk to Taro about it and at the same time Tadashi feared that this wicked lady might act before he was able to. They needed a plan but what plan? Tadashi couldn’t think of one.

The following day, Tadashi waited as usual in front of the dance hall building of Taro’s school. His young classmates left the building, one after another and the bell rang the second time. Tadashi furrowed his forehead and wondered. He flipped his cigarette away and went into the building. He passed the well-known class rooms and looked into each one of them. But they were empty… a strange feeling crept over him and he jogged over into the last dancing hall but as he’d feared…. It was empty as well. Cold sweat crept down his spine and a strange feeling set in. With shaky hands the blond fished out his mobile phone and dialled Taro’s number but it was switched off.

What the hell was going on?

Chapter Text

It was in the middle of the night and Tadashi was wide awake because he couldn’t sleep. Frustrated he’d stopped counting how often he’d called Taro’s cell but to no avail. He was SO worried about his little beloved and it drove him crazy not to know what was going on. In such a short amount of time they’d gotten so attached to each other and Tadashi was always worried about Taro, his health, his well-being and every time they were separated Tadashi turned to the worse again. Miraculously he realized it now that Taro made him a better person. And he felt better with him… was that actually ‘love’?

He tossed to the other side of his bed for the hundredth time and fantasized Taro sitting in front of his bed and looking at him like he used to when he’d taken care for him…. He missed him. Already now. And imagining that it had been only two days ago for both of them being together in this very bed…. Jesus, he really wanted him to be here, right now. Feeling his soft white skin, smelling his scent and feeling his black hair on his arms… but also his sweat covered face, his sweet tortured voice, this pouty lips and his tiny hands….

Perfect… now he felt like a depraved, old pervert. But it was true, no matter what mood Taro swung to, it automatically passed on to Tadashi. But what was really precious for the hot headed Tadashi was that Taro’s calm nature calmed Tadashi down as well. They were the strangest but at the same time best match for each other

Unable to sleep, Tadashi switched on his light. It was no use. He’d visit Taro’s school first thing in the morning to see whether he’s there.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

With bags under his eyes and hair wilder than usual, Tadashi dragged himself half an hour before school started and went to Taro’s school. He was dead tired and on top of that nervous as hell because he had too much nicotine in his blood. Impatiently he tapped with his foot on the ground, observing all the young kids entering school… but nowhere was the well-known black haired person. Tadashi’s gaze wandered over the crowd when he suddenly saw that engineer Akira walking through the gate. At the same time Akira must have spotted Tadashi and he walked straight over to him… and the way the guy moved towards Tadashi, the blond knew something was not right.

“Morning.” Tadashi greeted first.

“Tadashi-kun…” Akira seemed surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean?”

Akira lifted his eyebrows. “You don’t know?”

Every fibre in Tadashi’s body tensed. “Knowing what Akira?!”

“Taro dropped out of school.”

The cold winter wind felt like a comfort compared to his breaking heart. With his mouth wide open Tadashi stared dumbly back at Akira and since he was unable to speak (which NEVER happened before), the sound engineer went on. “I don't know the details. I saw Taro leaving school yesterday with his mom and by the looks of it he was not happy at all. He just stammered ‘good bye’ when he waved at me and they left.”

Tadashi looked aside, making out the words he’d just heard but his head didn't really want to get it. A thousand emotions washed through him, the strongest anger, pain, fury and worst of all helplessness.

“I’m sorry Tadashi-kun.” Akira must have caught the mood and he was no fool that this pain went much deeper. “That’s all I know.”

Absent-mindedly, the blond nodded and stammered a ‘thank you’ before he turned around to leave. He passed the school gate and was already around the corner when he had an idea and stormed back to the grounds, into the building and up to registry. He knocked and entered, looking to a pair of surprised eyes of a middle aged secretary.

“May I help you?” She looked and wondered about the strange guy who’d entered her office totally out of breath.

“I… need.” He tried to catch his breath. All the smoking was no help either in that matter. “…. Information about a student.”

“Yes?” She stood up and walked over to the reception. “Name?”

“Arimura Ryutaro.”

She stopped writing and looked up at Tadashi. “Are you acquainted to him?”

“No, well I mean…”

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you anything in that matter-“

“Damn it!”

“Young man, this is against the rules and there’s nothing I can do about it-“

“Please Mrs., is there no way you can tell me a little bit?”

“No.”

“At least why he’d dropped out?”

She stayed silent.

“Where he went to?”

When she still remained silent Tadashi hit with his fist onto the table and she jolted.

“For chrissake!!! HE’S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT RULES?!” He completely lost it.

The older woman sighed She understood how desperate Tadashi was. “Young man, I don’t know where Arimura-san went to nor the reasons for his dropping out. All I know is that his mother did all the talking and he was more sad than anything else. I’m sorry for you two. You better check on him personally.”

Like a living statue, Tadashi absorbed every word of her. He slowly nodded then and with a calm ‘thank you’ he left the office, bereft of any sense…. Going to his home then? Fact was that although he knew where Taro lived, he’d never been there because they both knew that he was an unwelcome guest there. It was unspoken truth and Tadashi never pressed the matter nor cared for it. All the time they’d met outside their houses anyway… not a long time ago and now it already felt like ages to Tadashi.

Melancholic, he made his way to the well-known train station and took the train to Taro’s home. Walking up the long hill road, passing all this expensive houses when suddenly a buzzing in his trouser pocket. Startled and shocked he pulled it out and answered the unknown call.

“Hai?!”

“Tadashi!!” A high, whining voice which filled up his heart.

“Ohmygod Taro! Where are you? How are you?”

“I’m calling from a gas station near the highway. But I’m fine… more or less. I don’t have much time, listen! She took my mobile away and made me drop out of school! I will attend another dancing school in-“

In the background Tadashi heard the mean old voice of Taro’s mom.

“I will call you again, wait for me!”

“Taro I—“

And a moment later the line was dead.

He looked at his mobile phone, numbed by what he’d heard. His heart jumped the moment he’d heard him call his name and yet his heart felt so heavy… what happened to them? What kind of play were they in? How did it come to that? How or when will they meet again….

The feeling of being weak and helpless crept into his heart, in frustration and defeat about the power which he had no weapons for… money…. the blond leaned against a brick wall on the street and slowly he slumped down to the ground. Hiding his head in between his arms on his knees. Breaking there all alone and without a clue what to do next.

All he did was holding onto his mobile phone as if his life dependent on it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next day, it was lunch break at school and Tadashi sat on his small table alone, looking out the window. The day was grey and cold, perfectly fitting his mood. Next to him he heard someone pulling a chair in front of him and sitting down… Takashi.

“Tadashi, I don’t know what to make out of you.”

“Just leave me alone.”

“Don’t wanna talk about it?”

“My life is a complete mess.”

“What happened?”

“Life happened and it hates us.”

“I see.” Takashi of course knew whom he was talking about.

“She took him away.”

“What?! How?!”

“Dunno. Guess she realized that we are attached to each other and of course she hates my guts…”

“Bitch… and what are you planning to do?”

Tadashi moved up from his lying position on the table and leaned back on his chair. “Right now just waiting for his phone call…. Can you imagine! She even took away his mobile but yesterday he’d given me a quick call from a gas station, telling me that she made him transfer school. Then the line was dead.”

“Jesus Christ, sounds like a movie.”

“More like a nightmare.”

Silence fell before Takashi dared asking what was bugging him since the beginning. “So you and him?”

The blond sucked in his breath while he looked out the window again, not meeting Takashi’s stare. “Guess so…. But only because he’s special.” Tadashi looked back at him and Takashi just nodded.

“Fine with me. You were all sweet together anyway…”

“But not a word to anyone.”

Takashi waved, making a not caring gesture. “Sure….”

“You know the timing couldn’t have been worse. Exams are about to start in three months-“

“Whoa! Are you actually gonna take part in it?”

“I guess so. If I want to make it out of this shit hole I better start learning.”

“I respect that man. That’s cool.”

“And then I will follow him. No matter where she’d taken him to. It is MY job to look after him.”

Takashi stood up and lay a hand onto his shoulder. “Count me in if you need any help.”

Tadashi smiled. “Thanks man.” And immediately the world seemed like a better place.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Disappointed about not hearing from Taro, Tadashi arrived home in the evening, later than usual. Fact was that for the first time in his life he took the school’s offer and attended English cram school for the exams. He was good at the rest of the subjects, even mathematics…. All these years he was just lazy.

“Tadashi? Where have you been?” She asked while making some coffee.

“Cram school.”

His mother paused and slowly turned around. She couldn’t believe her ears. Her lazy, troublesome son…. actually learning? “What? Are you serious?”

“I’m damn serious.”

“Why? I mean… I really appreciate it but is something the matter?”

Tadashi shrugged with his shoulders. “Decided to get my degree and moving on come Spring.”

Clumsily, she let go of everything in her hands and she stormed over to him and hugged him tightly.

“Mom! Lemme go!”

But she held onto him and spoke against his chest. “I’m so happy. So happy you can’t imagine…. I always knew that you are a clever boy with so much potential and I’m so sorry for never being able to offer you a better life…” She started to sob and Tadashi laid one arm around her shoulders.

“Mom, it’s okay. Don’t be sad. I know life was hard for you as well. But it’s okay. We’ve got food, clothes and a home… what else do we need, really.” A certain bitterness swung in his tone. The old woman looked up her boy.

“What happened to you? You grew up so quickly…. Can it be?”

She looked suspiciously up to him and he released her from the hug. “I want some coffee too.”

“What’s her name?”

“It’s nothing mom. Just want to get my degree and moving away from this horrible city.”

“Where to?”

“Don’t know yet.” Fact was that Tadashi would go anywhere for him.

“First you will need to make some money.”

“I’m looking for a job after school.”

“That’s good.”

“And you’re fine with it?”

“Well, you always did what you wanted anyway. You never listened to me.”

Tadashi thought about it and knew she was right. “But I always appreciated your hard work. I’ll be kind of concerned when you're all alone back here.”

Her eyes watered up and she hugged him the second time this evening. She seemed quite emotional today and Tadashi patted her on her head.

“I won’t hold you back with any selfish demands.” She said. “I would run too if I could.”

Tadashi gave her a quick hug before he sipped his coffee again. “Thanks mom, for everything.” God knew she was not perfect and they had often quarrelled with each other, but she was the only family Tadashi had left and now knowing that their time was limited, he’d started to feel soft on circumstances.

“I will check on you regularly.”

“That’s all I can wish for-“ She stopped talking and listened. “Is that your mobile phone?”

Tadashi’s blood rushed into his head and he ran over to the entrance where he’d dropped his bag earlier. He couldn't have been more obvious.

He pulled out his mobile phone and answered it right away. Then he stormed into his room and closed the door.

“Hai?!”

“Tadashi!”

It was him and his voice whining. It melted Tadashi’s heart right away.

“Taro, where are you? Are you okay? How are you?”

“I’m far away Tadashi. I dunno what’s gotten into her…”

“Where are you calling from?”

“I’m in Osaka at the ballet Academy.” It sounded expensive.

“Holy-! And where are you staying?”

“At the campus in a single bedroom. This number I’m calling from is my new mobile.”

“Jesus!…. But Taro how are you? Did she tell you why she moved you down there?”

A long sigh escaped from Taro. “She lectured me all the way down to Osaka… that she was afraid I would neglect ballet training, the family’s reputation and so on. But I didn’t listen to her…. I’m just relieved that I will hardly see her any more. Which means that I will hardly see you too.” Taro was close to tears and Tadashi felt emotional about hearing his thin voice. Taro didn't have a fighting nature and this hasty move must have been quite a shock for him.

“Ne Taro, listen to me.”

“Hn.” A sob.

“This spring I will get my degree and then I will come to Osaka. I'll look for a job there.”

“But! I can’t make you move down here just because of me-“

“I will move down there just because of you.”

At the other end the sound of sobs paired up with a smile.

“Okay?”

“More than okay. I will be waiting. But how long? When are your exams?”

“In three months but end of school is four months to get my certificate.”

“Four moooonths…..”

“I know. I already miss you.”

“I miss you too! I was so worried about you Tadashi!”

“Me? Never!… by the way how is your foot?”

“Still hurting but better. I will attend dance classes as soon as it is healed. Maybe two months. My mom assigned some expert doctor from school to look after my health.”

“That’s good news…. And no more foolish actions with your foot okay? You’ve got an appointment next winter at the local ballet and I will be invited.”

Taro smiled at the other end and Tadashi wondered how long four months could possibly be.

“Ne Tadashi, do you think you can visit me any time soon?”

Tadashi bit his lip, searching for the right words not to hurt Taro. “I'm afraid I can't. One trip would cost me all my savings. Besides, I've missed too many lessons in school for the upcoming exams. Let's do our best the upcoming four months and then we will see each other again.”

Hesitantly, Taro agreed.

“You call me any time you need someone to listen to you or if any problems occur.” Tadashi added.

“I will.”

“Take care Taro, hear you soon.”

“Hai.”

And the phone call was over. Tadashi let the darkness in his room comfort him and his troubled soul. God knows he never was a caring nature and now his thoughts longer belonged to him alone. Only time could tell how everything would turn out for them but right now their near future seemed rather grey. What a mess it had all become.

At least Taro called him daily and with every day it seemed harder for the little one to take it all alone in Osaka. Taro being Taro didn't warm up to someone easily. But everybody needed friends to talk to. Tadashi could tell that he felt very alone in this new school.

There were times when Tadashi was mad about Taro's parents and society itself. He was always angry about society… for not doing enough, for never doing enough, except for themselves. And again it showed that money made almost everything possible. This fucked up material world and corrupt people in it... it made him sick and sad.

It was four weeks later when a letter arrived at Tadashi's house. He was quite surprised about it because he usually never received any mail. Not wondering, he opened the envelope and pulled out a CD. No letter or note included.

Furrowing his brow, Tadashi went up into his room. He settled down onto his bed and switched on his CD-Player. He listened curiously. At first it was silent but soon a piano started to play. The first few tones and a shiver went down his spine and goosebumps arose on his forearms. He shook his head in disbelieve and lowered his gaze, closing his eyes. He would recognize Taro's playing out of a hundred.

He recalled the first tones from earlier this year when he fetched Taro from ballet school. Absentminded Taro had played the little tune on the piano but stopped abruptly when Tadashi showed up... now Tadashi understood: It was for him. A little composition which said it all.

And Tadashi leaned his head onto his hands, silently listening to the wonderful playing, trying not to get too emotional at this very moment.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was in full spring when Tadashi held his school certificate in his hands. He still couldn't believe that he made it. And so did his mother who stood right next to her son, proud and with tears in her eyes.

“Moooom, stop crying.” He touched her on the shoulder but she sobbed only more. Tadashi smiled. This god-damn paper was the hardest work ever. Catching up the stuff he had never cared to pay attention to but it was worth it. An incredible feeling of freedom crept over him the moment he had stepped out the school building and left the grounds. And although he hated to admit it, it felt good to see his mom happy too.

The same evening he had his backpack all packed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was sakura time and spring in its fullest bloom. Taro always loved spring but this was the first year he didn’t feel like it. Although the gardens were beautiful in Osaka and people somehow happier than in Tokyo, Taro had lost his reason to laugh a long time ago. He felt so lonely and there was no one he could talk to, share memories with or watch the stars at night. He loved nights.

And the burning hole in his chest started to feel numb.

At some point two months ago he stopped to call Tadashi every day because Taro felt like being a nuisance. When it became unbearable, Taro called him anyway and sometimes Tadashi even called him back but the closer exams came the less Taro called him. Always complaining about how lonely he was and how much he missed him…. No one takes pleasure in always listening to that.

Tadashi had given him so much. Confidence and faith for example. For the first time Taro wasn't afraid of being alone outside. Back in Tokyo he was always afraid and scared about everything. But since he knew him, Taro felt stronger. The dance competition last year wasn't only for his dream, he danced it for Tadashi as well. But now their time together seemed like a far away dream.

The past week Tadashi hadn’t called him either.

“Arimura-san, in position!”

His teacher called out for him all the way through the training hall. A gust of warm wind blew through his black hair when he made his way to the middle of the hall, taking his position. It was his dance, the nutcracker and he was allowed to continue his training for it. The male part which he always wanted to do.

The moments before every dance, standing in the middle of a hall or on stage, he felt most connected with himself, his thoughts and mind. These short moments before every dance starts belonged only to him and he never felt stronger than in this moments. It was like hypnosis, living the moment with no thoughts for anything.

This dance, he knew it by heart. The hard parts became easier and his figures beamed with elegance and power. The piano music encircled him and Taro faded out his surroundings and noises. That was what he really was and always wanted to do.

He made one jump and stretched his hands high into the air, turning to the other side…. He started to run for the infamous triple jump… one… he felt the air on his face, then touching the ground with his feet… two… his hair moving with his jump, then feet touching the ground again…. Three, he stretched his arms into the air again…. And done. The dance was over and he knew that it was perfect.

A clapping sound echoed from the entrance through the hall and a voice started to speak:

“Look at you! You’ve become perfect.”

Taro's lips started to tremble. He turned around quickly and couldn't believe his eyes. It didn't make sense but before his mind realized it his feet already started to move. He ran towards Tadashi who leaned against the door frame and he jumped into his arms.

“Tadashi…” Was all he managed to whisper and he clung onto the blond’s throat, hugging him tightly. Taro didn’t let go, he couldn’t. With a smile, Tadashi lifted his boyfriend up from the ground and held him close in his arms. The little one almost strangled him but Tadashi didn’t care. He sunk with his head onto Taro’s shoulder and kept on holding him tight.

With a smile the long forgotten teacher and piano player left the two alone.

“Taro?” Tadashi tried to make contact but the little one remained with his head buried at Tadashi’s neck, simply shaking his head and holding onto him. “Taro, let me set you down.” But stubbornly Taro kept on holding. Tadashi had no choice because the strength in his arms left and he kneeled onto the floor. “Ne Taro I…. are you crying?” Tadashi touched Taro’s head from behind and moved him back gently, looking at his hair covered face.

“Tadashi I’m so-“

Taro’s words ended abruptly because they were swallowed by a deep, needy kiss. Hands touching his wet cheeks, his hair and lips, tasting his salty tears…. Like that he could simply die. It was really him. The taste of tobacco and his smell, the leather jacket underneath his grip and the piercing on his beautiful mouth. His hair had become longer and Taro played with it on Tadashi’s shoulders.

“I missed you so much!” Taro finally managed to say in between while he glided with his cold hands down Tadashi’s throat. Automatically the blond grasped for one of Taro’s hands and he kissed his palm.

“Baaaaka, you called me every day.”

“Almost…” Taro said sheepishly. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you recently. I was afraid to annoy you during your exams.”

“What? Never and you should know that.”

Taro smiled happily and he kissed Tadashi quickly onto his cheek. Still being in Tadashi’s arms he comfortably moved back and leaned against his shoulder.

“I will never let go of you again. Carry me home.”

“What?!”

“Ne Tadashi,” Taro suddenly became serious, “when will you go back again?”

“You want me to leave again? I considered to stay here forever but if you want me to leave-“

“Noooo!” He clung onto Tadashi's throat again and Tadashi laughed. “I think I should really leave because I know that you will keep me from work and make me watch all of your dances, I can tell.”

The sad face had changed into a smiling one. “Of course I will.” He beamed and touched Tadashi’s cheek. “By the way: Congratulations on your degree.”

“Thank you.” Tadashi added in a low and sexy-as-hell-tone. “Congratulation kiss?” Which put a smile back on Taro’s face but made him answer: “No.”

“WHAT?! I came all the way here and not even a congratulation kiss?”

“Carry me home first!”

Tadashi narrowed his eyes and Taro squealed while he jumped out of Tadashi’s arms to run away from him across the training hall. The heavily smoking Tadashi tried to keep up but ended coughing badly which made Taro scold and laugh at him only more, encouraging Tadashi to run after him faster. He finally tackled Taro down and pinned him flat onto the floor, holding both of Taro’s hands with one grasp over his head.

Heavy breathings from both of them and Tadashi above Taro only realized how sweet the red flushed cheeks looked on him. Honestly, he was having impure thoughts but knew better than seducing his boyfriend right there in the training hall of his new school.

“You stopped shaving your head?” It was Taro’s most adorable naïve way to break an awkward situation. Tadashi was used to the strangest questions in strangest situations. He released Taro’s hands but remained sitting above him.

“Yeah, thought to buy me chances… you know just in case for a new job.”

“But I loved your shaved sides.”

“All right all right. Just in case my new job is all cool… you shave it for me.” He blinked at Taro and the young man blushed. Too fast for the young man to notice, the blond had bent down and kissed him from above, his long strands of hair caressing Taro’s cheeks. The young man pulled Tadashi closer on his leather jacket which made the forbidden moment only more sexy…. And it felt so damn good after such a long time. Tadashi finally broke the kiss but kept on breathing against Taro’s swollen lips. “You’re seducing me in an open building…. You’ve become dirty.”

The younger man chuckled and in the same instant he licked over Tadashi’s bottom lip and his piercing. “Enjoyed bad company and liked it.”

Tadashi narrowed his eyes. “I see…. Guess I don’t have a choice but to drag you home.”

“Yay!”

And Tadashi helped Taro up from the ground. He tousled through Taro’s hair while they made their way out of the hall… his hand slowly glided down Taro’s back until he found the well know cold hands. He grasped for it and held onto Taro’s hand tightly. The little one’s heart made a jump and he folded his fingers around Tadashi’s large hand. He was so happy in that moment and knew that he could manage everything with Tadashi by his side.

Together they walked out of the hall towards the warm spring sun, making jokes and laughing at each other. No one would ever be able to separate them again.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Epilogue ~ Three years later ~

It wasn’t always easy for the two of them. Tadashi’s mom was all cool with her son being out of the house, having a steady job in another town and sharing a flat ‘with a friend’ but it took some time for Taro’s parents to get used to the fact that Taro was still ‘friends’ with Tadashi… it was hell the first time they had found out about them having moved together half a year after Tadashi’s first arrival. Maybe Taro’s parents guessed the right thing but the young man had threatened to cease all contact with them if they didn't accept Tadashi as his long-time friend.

He danced in the Nutcracker and it was a full success. Taro ended up with another fabulous job offer at the local ballet. So he became a steady dancer for the ballet house in town and earned his own money. And so did Tadashi. Since no one knew where to put that strange but stylish guy, he ended up becoming a hairdresser and makeup artist. Which suited the punk just fine because he was able to keep his strange hair and piercings. And not only Tadashi was glad to keep his appearance. To be honest, maybe he matured a LITTLE bit but he stayed wild nevertheless.

In his free time, Tadashi loved playing bass for a local band and became perfect at it. And sometimes he and Taro played together. They seemed like the strangest, unmatched couple and yet they were perfect for each other.