Chapter Text
He was rubbing his hands in a circular motion on his temples. The migraine that had formed was making his eyes cross. His mouth was dry and if you looked closely you could see the small tremors in his fingers. You would see how his shoulders were slumped ever so slightly. How his eyes were dull and sad. How he had to stop and blink back tears that were lining up behind his eyelids.
He thought there would be kids in the courtyard. That someone would be playing a game. He had hoped that there would be noise, chatter, singing, anything to cover the echoing of screams in his ears. It had been several hours since they revealed the audio but it was still blasting loudly through his brain. He had to stop on several occasions and whip his head around when he thought he heard a scream. It was just his mind. Repeating the horrific sounds over and over.
He dug his blunt nails into the palm of his hand to focus on something besides the images that kept popping into his mind. Small droplets of blood had formed into his palm. He dragged his nails inward focusing on the pain. He was so focused on not hearing the horrors, that he didn’t hear someone walk up behind him.
“Professor?” Severus jumped slightly. He turned and looked down to see Harry looking at him questioningly. The boy’s tie was undone and dangling loosely off his shoulders. His top two buttons were undone. Not only did the little puffs of air coming from his mouth indicated the cold weather but also the pink tinge of color on the apples of his cheeks. “Professor, Are you okay?”
He didn’t know what possessed him to surge forward and pull the boy into his body but he was happy to do so. It reassured him that he was alive. That he was no longer there. He was whole and alive. When Harry returned the hug he squeezed ever so slightly. He could feel the small thumbing of the boy's heart. Small huffs of breath warmed his torso where the child’s face was buried.
“I’m sorry,” Severus whispered into the boy’s hair, “I’m so sorry. I should have been there. I should have asked questions. I should have-”
“You couldn’t.” Came Harry’s muffled response. “The charm wouldn’t have let your mind go there.” Harry pulled back looking at his professor. His glasses were slightly crooked. “I don’t blame you for what you couldn’t do. It’s not your fault so you shouldn’t hold the guilt.”
Severus straighten the thick frames of his student, “Quite wise of you.”
“I learned a lot through therapy,” His shoulder raised and dropped. “I had to learn that I didn’t deserve it. That I wasn’t in the wrong.”
He started to open his mouth but stopped at Harry’s shivers. He turned the boy around and pushed him into the castle. He didn’t notice Minerva standing there until they reached the steps. She was looking at the two with raised eyebrows. He noticed she started to say something but he shook his head cutting her off.
“Oh! Professor?” Harry caught Minerva’s attention. “Wood all has a similar structure, is it possible to permanently transfigure one type of wood into another? Wouldn’t you be able to effectively make a walnut trunk with the use of a pine? I know walnut is a Hardwood. You could decrease labor by using softwood and-”
“Mister Potter, I’m surprised you know so much about wood,” Minerva said. Severus gave her a look as if to say ‘Really?’. She ignored the look, “Though you could potentially change it, all transfiguration have a duration limit. It may take many years but the wood would slowly deteriorate back into it’s original-”
“Could the combination of a preservation rune weaved in to eliminate the aspect?” Harry interrupted as Severus cast a light warming charm. He had tried to herd the child away from the doorway but he just moved back.
Minerva blinked. “It could possibly work.”
“Fantastic!” He breathed out, “Jason would love to know about this. I’ll have to do some research.” Severus was going to ask who Jason was, but Harry had already walked away from the two. He quickly walked after the boy catching up.
“How about we go to my office?” Severus suggested as Harry whispered ideas under his breath.
“Hm? Oh, okay.” Harry smiled and followed the potion master at the next turn. Severus could hear Harry mumbling behind him. From the excited whispers, he was talking about mixing runes with transfiguration.
Severus realized that Harry’s mind was always active. He always searched for new information. He was always ready to have a question. As the bound down the stairs he realized something, Harry didn’t have his notebook. The hardcover book that was always in his bag or under his arm was missing. It was very odd to see Harry without it, it seemed unnatural.
“No notebook?” Severus asked as he opened the door for Harry.
A slight pink color appeared on his cheeks before he spoke, “I filled out all the notebooks that I brought to school.”
“How many did you bring?”
“Eight,” Harry mumbled.
“You’ve gone through eight full-sized notebooks already? You’ve been in classes for about two months,” Severus pushed a mug to Harry. There was a chip on the rim and the string of the tea bag sat perfectly in the groove.
“I had several ideas that just kept moving to more ideas.” Severus chuckled at the boy.
“You seem different,” Harry said to his professor. “It happens a lot after the charm breaks,” He stated matter of factly. “The revert back to who they are truly are.”
Harry wasn’t wrong. Since he woke up in the hospital wing he felt different. The coldness that seemed to seep into his bones was gone. The urge to snap and snarl at the students vaporized. His patience had seemed to increase. He was pretty sure Neville nearly had a heart attack when he came up to the boy and demonstrated how to properly crush pixie wings. He had gotten several weird looks but after the boy’s potion came out passable no one decided to say anything against it.
Severus felt happy. He was enjoying his brewing again. The conversations that he was having with Minerva were enjoyable. He had taken Filius up on his invites for tea. He went out of his way to talk with Pomona in her greenhouse. He even was enjoying the flirting banner that he had started with Sinistra. The giggles that he was able to get out of her put a smile on his face.
He started to enjoy the small things too. He walked outside more, a small tan had started to form on his skin. He started to wear more colors, blues and greens started to break the black streak. He was even thinking about just wearing slacks and button downs on the weekend. He would have to make a stop and buy some more shirts though.
The staff had noticed the change. Minerva has asked him what brought it on. Instead of telling her the truth he looked at her and softly said, “I wasn’t allowed to enjoy life before. I need to do some catching up.” She responded with a confused expression before walking away.
“I am different.” He agreed with the boy who was slowly stepping sideways to the bookshelf. It was a game that they had started after the third time Harry came in to brew. He would slowly sneak over to the personal collections of text that Severus kept in his lab, the goal was to see how close he could get before being caught. Whenever Severus noticed him by the shelves he would call him out and get laughter in response.
After taking another small step to the side Harry nodded his head, “You seem to be enjoying things now. It’s weird, isn’t it? To not be able to enjoy anything then suddenly be allowed to?”
Severus stopped tipping his tea bag when he heard that. The written reports and audio recordings of Harry confessing that he didn’t know what to do, sprung to his mind. The boy knew how to cook and clean, how to avert his eyes, how to be quiet and blend into the shadows and be forgotten. When he was asked about his likes and dislikes not only did he become extremely confused, but he panicked.
From what John and Delana had said, Harry always looked over his shoulder when they started visiting to take care of him. They were an ideal family, Delana a healer and John a therapist. They would be able to help him find himself. They knew he needed constant reassurance, he was going against everything he was taught. With the help of their little girl, numerous therapist appointments, physical therapy, a dietician, and a stray cat, Harry learned how to be a child.
He remembers the tape where Harry confessed that he didn’t understand playing with friends. He never experienced it. He was so nervous, his voice cracked over the tape when he admitted he was afraid he’d do it wrong. Those questions had made deflate in his chair. “What if they don’t like the game I suggest? Will they hit me? What if they think I’m freaky? Why would you run around for fun, isn’t someone chasing you? You can like different things than your friends?”
Harry never had friends. Harry never played with kids his own age. He ran from them. He hid from them. He never spoke to them. The tapes revealed he was never taught. His social skills were non-existent. Hannah, apparently, was the miracle who was able to fix that.
“Certainly strange,” Severus mumbled after pulling himself out of his thoughts.
“Did they just show you the reports or did you get the entire package?” Harry asked halfway to the bookcase.
“All of it,” Severus admitted.
“Don’t pity me,” Harry demanded.
“I wasn’t planning on it,” He responded. Harry had managed to make his way to the bookshelf. He was an arm's length away. Severus straightened up and called out him. Unlike the other times, Harry didn’t start to laugh and walk back. No, he was staring at a shelf right below his eye level. It was one that Severus would put texts on he didn’t plan on reading. The lower the shelf, the less important the texts became.
“Harry,” Severus called again as the boy walked to the bookshelf. He started pulling books off and stacking them neatly on the floor. Severus made his way over to his student. Harry had reached into the shelf and he heard thumping before a box came into view as Harry pulled his hand back.
The potion master reached for it but Harry had already flipped the lid open to reveal dozens of small vials. Each vial held a swirling memory. Severus just stared at the box confused.
Who’s memories are in the box?