Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Even when Jungkook is not running late, only having a small period of time between class and work makes him anxious enough that his body moves fast anyway. It’s worse when he has to sit still, when he has no choice other than to just wait .

Jungkook hates lines for that reason. The one he is standing in now is quite long, stretching across the entirety of the Admissions building though it feels as if it stretches across the entirety of the country. Impatience makes him fidget, fingers working tirelessly over each other. It doesn’t help that a be quiet rule has apparently been adopted and there’s only the soft murmurings of the other students floating through the room, leaving him nothing to be distracted by.

He’s usually allergic to waiting last minute, both with homework and paying bills. But he’s been doing a lot of things that are un-Jungkook like lately. Past Jungkook would have laughed at the idea of forgetting his tuition payment, because that was the only thing Past Jungkook ever thought about it.

Jungkook huffs out a breath, wishing Past Jungkook’s mind would come back. Past Jungkook had his shit together, didn’t allow pretty boys with annoyingly cute smiles distract him from what’s important.

When the line doesn’t move for what feels like an hour, Jungkook huffs in irritation and peeks around the people in front of him to find out what the hold up is. Whoever is at the receptionist desk seems to be having trouble and of course he is, because it’s Jungkook’s luck.

Jungkook squints through his glasses, taking in the pale green colored hair and the way the man’s body bends as he leans an elbow on the counter, body twisting like he may be flirting with the student behind the window.

It only takes Jungkook a second to realize who he is looking at before his heart starts to take off in a race. His hair is shorter, no longer covering the length of his neck, and now the color of mint chocolate ice cream. Before, he’d always wore the nicest of clothes to class. Now, he’s in a shirt that is much too large on him, fitted over slacks that seem just as big.

But Taehyung being Taehyung, he has the shirt tucked in the back, showing off the swell of his ass.

Jungkook feels his palms sweating as he drops his gaze to his feet. The ache in his chest is astounding, making his frustration with being stuck in line grow so rapidly it feels like he might run out and risk the late payment.

But Taehyung doesn’t hold up the line for too much time after that. He draws a heart against the glass with a finger before he saunters from the counter, wiggling his fingers towards the receptionist. Completely unbothered and unaware of Jungkook hiding behind the tall football player in front of him.

As much as Jungkook hates going unnoticed by Taehyung, it allows him to watch Taehyung as much as he can until he disappears around a corner.

Jungkook misses him. And it hurts even more knowing it’s his own fault he hasn’t been around. Again. Because Jungkook always does that and then regrets it.

It’s only been about three weeks since Taehyung has stopped showing up to their tutoring sessions. Jungkook no longer has his hopes up that he will appear, but he still goes there every other morning just in case. He hasn’t grown the courage to tell the President about it yet, but since the President hasn’t reached out, he’s figured Taehyung told him.

Sitting alone in the tutoring room is the only time Jungkook allows himself to think about anything. He’s begged for more shifts to make up for the ones he’s missed during vacation, making it so he’s too distracted to think about anything and is too tired when he comes home at night.

He uses that as an excuse to not talk to Yoongi, who still waits up every night and sits on the couch to do just that.

They haven’t. It’s Jungkook’s fault and eventually, Jungkook stopped going home so he could avoid Yoongi’s worried eyes.

After Taehyung leaves the line, it moves more steadily. It seems like no time before Jungkook is approaching the receptionist, paperwork and payment in hand.

“Jeon Jungkook,” Jungkook says before rattling off his student id number. “I have a tuition payment.”

The receptionist taps away, never making eye contact. He’s attractive enough, curls falling over his forehead and horn rimmed glasses perched on his nose. There’s ink scrawled up his arms and holes in his ear lobes that Jungkook could stick his finger through without problem.

He wonders if Taehyung was flirting with him. He fits Taehyung’s type more than Jungkook did.

Jungkook wonders if that’s why Taehyung always wanted to dress him up, so they could fit better.

“Mr. Jeon,” the receptionist says, finally glancing up at him, “it says here that your payment for November and December were already paid.”

Jungkook freezes, fingers tightening around the card. No. He never turned on automatic payments and he had just checked his account over four times while in line to make sure he actually has the right amount in there.

“That can’t be right. I - I haven’t paid them yet.”

The receptionist snorts, amusement in his eyes. “I think that’s called a blessing, man. Someone else must have paid it but you look panicked.”

Jungkook feels panicked. Where did the money come from? Did he pay it and forget? He’s been doing such un-Jungkook things lately, it wouldn’t be surprising if he can’t remember them all.

“Who paid it?” Jungkook asks, wishing there wasn’t a window between them so he could stick his head in and peek at it himself.

The receptionist squints his eyes as he reads despite wearing glasses, which are fake upon further inspection. “A card ending in 1230 is all I can tell you. There’s no other information.”

Jungkook frowns at that. Normal people would be thrilled, relieved. He can pay extra towards his tuition, something he’s never been able to do before. Or actually buy food, or pay Yoongi back for the back rent he’s owed him even though Yoongi’s promised him it’s fine.

But Jungkook knows he won’t touch a cent of it, too worried that this is all a joke.

There’s limited time before he has to work now that he had to wait in line, but Jungkook trucks across campus and to his apartment in a hurry anyway. His worry trumps his fear of talking to Yoongi, giving him the courage to push through the front door of his apartment and face him.

He isn’t alone but Jungkook only waves a quick hello to Hoseok on the armchair before turning onto Yoongi.

“Kook -”

“Did you pay my tuition?” Jungkook demands, breathlessly. “Because you can’t afford that. You have your own loan payments.”

Yoongi stares at him, confused, for what feels like an hour before he smacks his lips and shakes his head.

“No. I would if I could, you know that.”

Jungkook huffs out through his nose. He was sure it was Yoongi; a peace offering that he shouldn’t be the one to make. It’s Jungkook’s responsibility; he’s just a coward. “Well someone did.”

Slowly, Yoongi stands and Jungkook finds himself stepping back. Thousands of times this has happened; so often Jungkook has allowed his fears to make it so he’s hidden from his best friend.

Jungkook doesn’t know why Yoongi even puts up with him.

“Why are you upset?” Yoongi asks, gently.

He hadn’t felt upset until Yoongi mentioned it. His chest feels tight suddenly and he clenches his hands into fists as hard as possible to relieve it.

It feels like he’s been upset every minute of every day lately. More sensitive than usual. It’s like he told the world he can handle things and the world laughed in his face and set out to prove him that he can’t.

“Come get something to eat,” Yoongi goes on when Jungkook doesn’t respond. “We don’t have to talk about anything. Just spend some time with your hyung.”

“I have work,” Jungkook blurts. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your time with Hobi hyung.”

Yoongi sighs out, rubbing his temples. Hoseok just watches on, silent with his arm propped on the arm of the chair and rubbing at his lips.

It’s odd for Hoseok to be quiet. Jungkook did that.

“It’s - one of the reasons I didn’t tell you was because that,” Yoongi says, still soft as he waves a hand at Jungkook. “Nothing is different and I don’t want you to feel like a third or fourth wheel. This is your apartment, Hobi is your -”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Jungkook rushes out, eyes darting around because he can’t take Yoongi looking at him like that. He shouldn’t have come. He’s making it worse. “I really need to go.”

Hoseok calls after him when Jungkook turns on his heel, but he’s jetting from the front door before he can even get up from the chair.

Despite running, Jungkook gets to work late. He apologizes profusely, even when Jiwon huffs out a laugh and pats his shoulder like it’s okay.

“It’s dead tonight, Jeon. I think Junhoe and Yo-yo are in the back seeing who can throw a fry the farthest.”

It is dead, most of the booths empty. All except one.

Jungkook’s mood is growing worse as he takes in Jin’s face and the mop of minty hair across from him. He punches into the cash register, wishing someone else was on he could trade positions with.

Taehyung knows he works here. He shouldn’t be here unless he wants to make Jungkook feel worse.

Not that Jungkook’s ever made it so Taehyung would know how badly he’d be affected by them not talking.

It’s getting to the point where Jungkook doesn’t even know what happened anymore.

“Jeon. Go deliver this to booth eight.”

Jungkook glares at the tray Jiwon is holding out for him like the fries might jump off and attack him.

“Why?”

The frown on Jiwon’s face is understandable. Jungkook’s always done as he was asked and never questioned it.

“I figured you wanted to see your boy?” Jiwon hesitates, glancing down at Taehyung and back at Jungkook. “Or not? I could -”

Jungkook grabs the tray before Jiwon can deliver it himself. It shakes in his hands, just a small tremor but the way the box of fries vibrates on the plastic tray seems loud and obnoxious.

Jin spots him first, eyes lighting up as he waves his hand. The air leaves Jungkook’s lungs, time seeming to slow as Taehyung turns and looks over his shoulder.

It feels just as bad as the last time they saw each other. Taehyung’s face closes off just as quickly, lips pressing together as he turns back around and stares out the window,

“Hey - hey Jin hyung,” Jungkook greets, hoping his voice isn’t shaking as much as he feels like it is. “How are you?”

“Good,” Jin says as he grabs the tray before Jungkook can place it down like he’s supposed to. “You coming over again tonight?”

Jungkook tries not to glance at Taehyung, but he fails. Taehyung continues to look out the window,.

He can’t even stomach looking at Jungkook and Jungkook feels himself getting upset again.

It must be noticeable as Jin glances between them and his mouth sets into a grimace.

“Oh, of course, yeah,” Jungkook laughs awkwardly.

“You should go home some time,” Jin goes on, eyes soft. “I know Yoongi’s worried about you.”

This makes Taehyung look at him, thick brows stitched together and Jungkook clenches his fists into the pockets of his apron.

“I uh, I was just there, before I came to work,” Jungkook says. It isn’t technically a lie. “Everything’s good. It’s just, you and Namjoon’s is closer to campus.”

That part is a lie but Jin doesn’t call him out on it.

Taehyung won’t stop looking at him now.

“Um, anyway, enjoy -”

“Since when do you work Fridays?”

The sound of Taehyung’s voice has Jungkook’s heart beating up his sternum. He’s missed the deep rumble of Taehyung’s voice so much it feels like every word is stabbing him in the gut.

Maybe crush wasn’t the right word for Taehyung. If Taehyung were just a crush, it wouldn’t be still bothering him.

“I um, picked up an extra shift,” Jungkook says. He can’t look him in the eye or his own will turn glassy. He has the blue contacts in and Jungkook has always loved them, even though they made Taehyung more intense than he already is.

“Sorry,” Taehyung says blandly, fitting a fist under his chin. He’s much less bothered by Jungkook, an air of disinterest and lack of care surrounding him. “We wouldn’t have came if we knew.”

Jungkook grits his teeth. “Right. Well, enjoy your food.”

“We’ll take it to go.”

It’s impossible for Jungkook to respond with how tight his throat is so he only nods and turns on his heel. He hears the scolding tone of Jin’s voice as he rushes off, blinking back the tears that make his vision blurry.

Jungkook has not wanted to go home and cuddle his mother so bad ever in his life.

Usually exercise makes Jungkook feel a bit better. But after track practice, he feels worn down and exhausted. His belly rumbles with hunger, his legs ache as much as his chest does, and he feels like he’s a second from breaking apart.

As often as he’s felt this way, he has never crumpled completely. This thought helps him through; reminds him that he may be weak but he is still strong.

After the week he’s had, Jungkook doesn’t feel strong this time.

“Hey, Kook!”

Jungkook is strong enough to go to track practice even though Jimin is there and Jimin doesn’t accept Jungkook’s avoidance as much as Yoongi and Hoseok do. He needs to focuses on these things instead of continuously putting himself down for things he can’t control.

It’s easier said than done.

“Hyung is making barbecue tonight. Will you be there?”

Jungkook shoves his things into his duffel bag, busying himself so he doesn’t have to respond.

Jimin doesn’t accept it, grabbing his shoulder so his presence is known. “You should come. If you’re not working.”

“I’ve had a really shitty day,” Jungkook breathes, adjusting his glasses. “I might go for a walk. Kind of want to be alone.”

Jimin frowns at that. He presses a hand to Jungkook’s forehead, insisting on it when Jungkook tries to dodge it. Jungkook finally gives in, knowing he won’t be able to get out of this until Jimin can make sure he isn’t hot and clammy.

“Is this about Taehyung? Because he’s also been in a shitty mood lately.”

“No,” Jungkook lies, backing up until his back smacks into the locker he didn’t realize he was standing so close to. The knob of the lock digs into his back and sends a sharp pain through him. “I didn’t do well on a really important assignment and I miss my mom, so. Yeah.”

Jimin grabs Jungkook’s shoulder, pulling him into a hug.

“He misses you,” Jimin whispers. “Taehyung and your hyungs. It wouldn’t feel so hard if you let them back in.”

Part of Jungkook knows Jimin is just trying to make him feel better, but he wishes Jimin would just drop it. It had the opposite effect, making his heart even worse.

“Right. I’ll see you,” Jungkook says, avoiding the sad look Jimin sends his way. He hates pity more than anything.

It’s become a routine of his to show up at Namjoon’s doorstep at the end of the day. With his avoidance issues, he hasn’t had another place to go. Namjoon doesn’t seem to mind, even leaves the door unlocked for him when he is home.

Namjoon doesn’t lecture him about going home and doesn’t probe more than a simple ‘how are you’. Jungkook is waiting for the day it comes, but so far so good.

The only downside is when he wakes up to Namjoon’s not so quiet moaning floating through the house. At least he has the decency to look embarrassed when he comes out, unlike Jin who gleams with pride.

He finds Namjoon on the back porch, book in lap. There’s a heater plugged in, keeping the cold winter air out. It seems like a waste of energy but Jungkook is under the impression either Namjoon or Jin are loaded.

Rich people waste things; Jungkook is trying not to let it bother him.

“Wanna smoke?” Jungkook greets, slumping onto the couch.

Jungkook has been smoking too much lately.

Namjoon grins. “I’m going to Yoongi’s in a little. You coming?”

Rubbing his sweaty palms over his thighs, Jungkook shakes his head. “I have too much work. I really need to focus. I - I haven’t been doing well.”

Namjoon frowns at that as he carefully lays his book to the side and pulls open the drawer in the table between them, where he hides his stash. It rattles when it’s opened; filled with trinkets that Jungkook has learned Namjoon picks up like a magpie finding something silver.

“Grades?”

Jungkook huffs out. He can’t say the words out loud so he digs in his bag, pulling out the paper he had gotten back today and flopping it onto the table.

“Today has been shit,” Jungkook huffs. “This topped it off.”

There is judgment in Namjoon’s eyes, he thinks, as Namjoon glances at the paper and then curls his fingers towards him.

“I’ll be late to dinner. Let me get some snacks and then tell me what’s going on.”

For some reason, Namjoon’s silence makes it easy for Jungkook to talk. Sometimes too much. Maybe it’s because they still don’t know each other that well. Maybe it’s because Namjoon always has Jungkook rant while he’s smoking. He knows once Namjoon and him get to know each other better, Namjoon will be less quiet and more willing to advise. Jungkook’s dreading it.

But either way, once Jungkook starts talking to Namjoon, he can’t stop.

“It is like one thing after another. Why can’t it ever just be one bad thing at a time?” Jungkook rants, voice tight. “You know what I mean?”

Namjoon watches him from where he sits, never interrupting. He’s so quiet that Jungkook can’t be sure he is even listening, but he’s word vomiting. Jungkook is word vomiting and he can’t stop. He’s talking so quickly he feels breathless and light headed, or maybe that has to do with the fact that he’s had no time to eat anything today and he’s running on about an hour of sleep.

“I haven’t gotten anything under an 86 in like, I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a grade that low.”

The cursed paper is sitting on the table between them, hidden amongst the snacks Namjoon had brought out for comfort food and the ashtray that’s slowly being filled. He wishes he could stamp the butt of the blunt right over the bright 83 on the top.

Jungkook snorts at the ‘great job, Jungkook’ his professor wrote beside it. A joke. She had torn the paper apart, made Jungkook feel like he’s never strung more than two words together before nor know a thing about sustainable food energy, and then said great job.

The worst part is Jungkook knew he wouldn’t do well on this paper. He was supposed to work on it the week he spent making himself look like a fool in front of Taehyung instead.

“Dude,” Namjoon interrupts finally, laughter in his voice as he pushes up and grabs the blunt from Jungkook’s fingers. “I don’t want to sound rude or dismissive, but it isn’t a big deal.”

Jungkook scoffs at that. He hadn’t expected the lecture to come so soon. Maybe Namjoon is more tired by him than he lets on.

He has no where else to go.

“That’s hardly going to affect your GPA and I bet with the ass kissing you do, you’d be able to weasle some extra credit out of your professor to bring your grade up before the end of the semester,” Namjoon goes on, waving aimlessly. “And I wouldn’t consider someone paying your tuition a problem .”

There is judgement in Namjoon’s eyes and Jungkook glares at him until he laughs.

“Tae was right, Kook-ah. You really do stress yourself out too much.”

Jungkook goes still at the mention of Taehyung’s name. No one has yet to ask him about what happened, and that’s all thanks to Jungkook’s avoidance problem.

“You um - he. When did he say that?”

Namjoon doesn’t seem to catch Jungkook’s nerves, and maybe he’s too high to even voice them properly. “The other day. He came over and saw your schedule on the calendar. Which, dude, why did you put it there?”

Jungkook blanks at that. Taehyung had said he didn’t know Jungkook was working Friday, had he been lying? “I put it there in case Yoongi hyung asks where I am.”

Namjoon just stares at him. “You know, if you talked to him, you could probably go home and sleep on a bed. Not my couch.”

Jungkook quickly stands, not hearing Namjoon’s sigh before he grabs Jungkook’s arm. It makes him dizzy, and he grabs a bag of pretzels when he’s forced to sit down but he’s feeling too sick to eat them. “Sit down. I’m fine with you being here, Kook-ah. But I also know that Yoongi hyung is upset that you’re not home.”

Guilt washes into Jungkook in waves. He curls in on himself, sticking his hands between his clenched thighs.

“I know you probably don’t mean it this way and he probably knows you better than me, but he told me you haven’t been home since he told you about his relationship,” Namjoon explains softly.

And no . That isn’t why he hasn’t been home. Yoongi must know that. Is he avoiding talking about it? Yes. Is it because he doesn’t accept it? No. He’s tremendously happy for his brother.

“Which is kind of shitty. Yoongi’s been nervous about telling you for as long as I’ve known him.”

Jungkook blanches at that. Yoongi’s never nervous. And how long has Namjoon and Yoongi known each other?

He’s always been fine with Yoongi not telling him. He understood why he didn’t, but he didn’t realize it was something Yoongi was keeping from him for so long.

“I have avoidance problems,” Jungkook blurts, words coming out quickly because no. No, that isn’t why Jungkook hasn’t been home and he prays Yoongi knows that. The idea of him not has him feeling so sick he feels as if he could pass out. “I get embarrassed about being upset and then it’s hard for me to look at whoever I got upset in front of in the face again.”

He’s getting upset now. Namjoon must know by the look of alarm in his eyes. He’s quickly stubbing out the blunt into the ashtray but Jungkook shakes his head when he comes near. He can’t be touched.

“Because I don’t make sense when I’m upset and the moment one thing bothers me, my brain reminds me of every other single fucking thing that bothers me until I feel like I’m drowning. And I’ve been drowning, hyung.”

Namjoon is touching him and he can’t be touched. He shoves off Namjoon’s hands just for Namjoon to intertwine their fingers and squeeze them. It feels like his whole face is throbbing with the force of his heart beat.

“Hey, breathe, Kook. It’s cool. You’re cool, man. Focus on my touch, not your thoughts.”

Jungkook feels lightheaded and his inhale doesn’t feel as if it’s going deep enough. His chest aches from his attempts and there’s a stuffy feeling behind his face.

He can’t get upset in front of Namjoon. He’ll have nowhere else to go.

“I have to go.”

Namjoon doesn’t let go of his hands, but strengthens his grip on them. He’s stronger than he looks. “Not until you calm down. Breathe through your nose.”

Aggravation fills him as he tries and can’t. He chokes on it instead.

No one understands this. That it isn’t easy for him just to calm down or just stop thinking. It may be well intended but it makes him feel worse .

“That’s - that’s why I haven’t gone home. Because Yoongi should have been able to tell me, me - his best friend. And - and when he did, I - I still made it about myself. And I’m starting to realize how - how fucked up I am and - and I need to fix it and not - not ruin it, but I can’t.”

His glasses are fogging up and it isn’t until then he realizes he is crying. He doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say, growing more and more frustrated with himself.

Embarrassment makes him want to run and Namjoon is letting his hands go, saying something that is muddled in Jungkook’s ears, but Jungkook is stopped before he can fully stand.

Through his fogged glasses, all he sees is mint before they’re being pulled from his face. The pain in his chest intensifies as Taehyung’s blurry face comes into view and the scent of vanilla washes through his nostrils.

“Hey Jeon, calm down,” Taehyung whispers, palms cupping Jungkook’s wet cheeks. “Breathe through your nose. Like this.”

Jungkook’s body is thrumming with nerves as he watches Taehyung’s chest broaden as he inhales. He follows suit, eyes on Taehyung’s mouth because it’s easier to look at than his eyes when he exhales.

It doesn’t make his chest feel any better and his body still trembles from the after effects of panic, but he can breathe.

Taehyung’s hands are on his cheeks and he’s there, watching him cry.

“I need - I need to go,” Jungkook says, even though there’s a thousand different things he’d rather say. He is going to throw up and he’s already embarrassed himself enough, he doesn’t want to mess up Taehyung’s probably very expensive pants by throwing up in his lap.

Taehyung’s touch is gone then and Jungkook wants it back. He stands up in a rush, desperate to get out. He feels like he’s being pulled and tugged in two different places at once. Part of him wanting to push into Taehyung’s embrace because somehow he’s became that person for Jungkook, and the other part of him wanting to run far away as possible.

But Jungkook doesn’t get to do either as he stands and his head spins as if the world is turning around him. There’s lights at the corner of his vision before his breath swoops out of him and he falls.

**

Since school has started, Taehyung has hated it. He never thought he could hate it more, but then Jeon Jungkook came along.

Now, sitting in class and trying to focus doesn’t just make him feel bad because he’s dumb, but everything reminds him of Jungkook.

He swears he can still feel Jungkook’s touch, hear Jungkook’s voice, even though it’s been weeks.

He doesn’t want to forget it; what it feels like, how he sounds. But life is giving him something else he never asked for.

God, he sure did never ask for Jungkook but he had been happy to have him.

Taehyung groans at the intrusive thought, trying to push it out and capturing the attention of the students around him. Even his professor goes quiet and searches for the source of the sound.

“Mr. Kim. Is everything alright?”

Taehyung groans again, this time low and pained as he clutches his stomach. “I think I am going to be sick.”

Most students would get a sympathetic look, a soft tone when told to go to the infirmary. But Taehyung gets narrowed eyes and a pursed lip.

“Drinking excessively is bad for your health, Mr. Kim.”

Taehyung stands, throwing his bag over his shoulder. Whatever. It’s not like he ever gave anyone a reason to think differently.

“Putting your nose in other people’s business and being a judgmental asshole is also bad for your health, Professor. Ciao.”

There’s a rumble of noise from the class and the professor starts sputtering, but Taehyung doesn’t spare them another second as he leaves and lets the door slam behind him.

The hallway is empty as everyone is in class and the sound of his angry stomping echoes around him. He slows when he spots a familiar face, eyeing Jungkook inside the class with lab glasses strapped over his regular glasses.

He’s attentive to the professor, scribbling down in his notebook without even looking at what he’s writing.

Taehyung has to stop himself from pressing his face into the window to watch Jungkook better.

He jerks himself away, whipping out his phone to find somebody, anybody to make him feel less alone.

It takes awhile to track someone down, but finally he finds Hoseok walking out of the English building. Hoseok yelps when Taehyung jumps onto his back, feet skipping over the sidewalk and nearly falling.

“If I die, you’re a dead man,” Hoseok grunts but there isn’t as much bite in it as he probably intended there to be. He even ruffles Taehyung’s hair again. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

Taehyung pulls away, stretching his arms out as he breathes in the cold air. “I’m going to lay down some words of wisdom for you, Hobe-man; fuck school. Fuck going to class. Fuck pretentious professors and know it alls who turn their nose up at you because they know what the hell nomenclature means.”

Hoseok doesn’t say a word, quietly following after him and Taehyung misses the way his lips press into a frown.

“I don’t want anything to do with something that starts with ‘no men’,” Taehyung goes on, “you know what I mean?”

He turns around then and stops when he finds Hoseok a few feet behind him, his frown full force.

“What?”

“What?” Hoseok repeats, gripping the straps of the backpack he wears as he closes the space between them. “What’s been up with you lately, man?”

Taehyung’s chest heavies. “Nothing. Living life like always. Today’s actually a good day. Pops has yet to call me an idiot but after -”

Taehyung is cut off when Hoseok’s hands come crashing down against his cheeks, pushing them in until his lips pucker out. It doesn’t hurt, but the worry in Hoseok’s eyes does.

“Don’t say that word. Honestly, what’s going on? Is something going on at home? Is it the same reason Jungkook has been looking like a zombie and refusing to talk to Yoongi or I?”

The feeling worsens . He knew it would be hard to rid every trace of Jungkook from his life, not that he’s tried. But it’s even harder when two of his best friends are Jungkook’s too.

He knows Jungkook has been avoiding going home after demanding Jin explain what he said to Jungkook at the burger place. But he’s quite sure that has more to do with Jungkook finally confronting Yoongi’s relationship, not what happened between him and Jungkook.

“I’m cool,” Taehyung lies as he shrugs Hoseok off. Hoseok doesn’t give up though, squeezing his cheeks until they hurt and pulling him down to kiss his forehead. “I promise. I’m cool.”

Hoseok finally lets him go but Taehyung isn’t sure he believes him. “I worry about you, Tae. If it’s family stuff, you know you can stay at mine as often as you want.”

And risk seeing Jungkook even more?

Taehyung has always felt the world to be cruel. But if he put himself in that place, it would be his own fault he would be tortured.

“Just say you want me to pay your rent and go,” Taehyung says instead, voice light so Hoseok knows he’s joking. “You can be my sugar baby if you promise to keep Yoongi from killing me.”

Hoseok grunts as he elbows Taehyung in the side. “If it’s Jungkook stuff, please tell me what’s going on.”

Taehyung hesitates, fiddling with his fingers. Even that reminds him of Jungkook.

At work, Jungkook had looked awful. He wonders if he’s eating, sleeping. He wonders why he cares when Jungkook hates him so much.

“He probably hasn’t came home because he just found out his two best friends have been fucking for like five years and never told him.”

The way Hoseok’s face changes into one of sadness has Taehyung regretting saying anything.

“Do you think he’s angry? He’s never been angry at us before. Especially not that angry.”

Taehyung thinks he doesn’t want to talk about Jungkook. “No, I don’t think he’s angry. I don’t know. He hates me -”

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“ Anyway ,” Taehyung grunts desperately. His palms might start sweating like Jungkook’s do. Maybe that’s a symptom of Jungkook withdrawal. “I do know that talking about it makes Jungkook nervous so you’re going to have to force him. I know he panics and gets stressed easily, but you might have to do it anyway.”

It falls quiet after that and Taehyung sighs, his need for a distraction being unmet.

“Come to mine today. We’re making barbecue,” Hoseok finally says. “And do as you advised, confront Jungkook and make him listen.”

Taehyung snorts. “No thanks. I don’t have anything for him to listen to.”

Hoseok sighs, hooking their arms together. “Come on. We’ll go get him. And you can tell him you love him and I’ll tell him not telling him was all Yoongi’s fault.”

It’s a joke but Taehyung doesn’t laugh. The word love rings around in his brain, too loudly. He didn’t love Jungkook, it wasn’t that yet.

But he wanted to.

The first thing Taehyung hears when he picks the lock to Namjoon’s door is Jungkook’s frantic sounding voice. It ignites a worry inside of him that is so strong he forgets the need to avoid Jungkook, he forgets his annoyance that Hoseok brought him to him after Taehyung insisted he didn’t want to see Jungkook.

It frazzles him, seeing Jungkook. It frustrates him that he stops in the doorway, unsure if he can calm Jungkook the way he used to. That he isn’t the one holding Jungkook’s hand, but Namjoon.

Taehyung forgets it all when Jungkook whips around and he sees the tears streaming from his face.

It’s intense, his fear, when Jungkook tumbles backwards and he barely catches him, his hands coming beneath Jungkook right before his head hits the edge of the couch.

It’s chaotic, the way Hoseok tries to shove Taehyung off of him, his voice loud as he yells for Namjoon to call Yoongi.

It’s dangerous, how quickly anger flushed through him when Hoseok manages to shove him off.

“Come on, Kookie,” Hoseok huffs, the panic clear in his voice though it’s obvious he’s trying to restrain it. He guides Jungkook onto his back, waving at Taehyung away before he grabs his legs and start to lift them. “Wake up, baby.”

Jungkook’s eyes open but they’re quick to roll back again. He groans low and deep, the sound punching Taehyung in the gut.

Namjoon’s blabbering something but Taehyung can’t focus; can’t think. He doesn’t know what to do in this situation, but he doesn’t think yoga is the answer.

“Keep him laying down,” Hoseok orders out quickly as Jungkook attempts to lift himself.

“I’m fine,” Jungkook wheezes, giving in beneath Taehyung’s gentle touch. “Just fine.”

“Not fine,” Taehyung grunts, patting his cheeks. No one seems to be in the mindset of calling an ambulance and it’s frustrating. He isn’t positive Jungkook didn’t hit his head. “Open your eyes.”

Jungkook squeezes them closed instead.

“We need to take him to the emergency room,” Taehyung grunts. “You should have called an ambulance.”

For the first time in a long time, Taehyung is understanding what it feels like to panic and why Jungkook avoids it.

“Do you know how expensive ambulances and the ER are?” Hoseok breathes. “He used to pass out often in high school. Worked himself too much. We never called the ambulance because he never wanted his mother to know. Joon, fetch me some juice please.”

All this time, Taehyung had felt like the dumb one and Jungkook a genius. But that’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard.

“Just -” Hoseok huffs out, glaring at Taehyung. “Just keep talking to him. I know what signs to look for to see if he needs the doctor.”

For the last few weeks, that’s all Taehyung truly wanted to do. But not like this. He’s nervous to now, hand hovering over Jungkook’s face before he clamps it down.

He hates the way Jungkook feels cold and clammy.

“Hey baby,” Taehyung says softly, rubbing at his cheek. “Open your eyes for a surprise.”

Jungkook does, his eyes unfocused for a moment before they’re glaring onto Taehyung. He looks almost angry, nose wrinkling and lips curling at the sound of his name.

Taehyung grins but it feels too forced. “Surprise. You ever see someone so beautiful?”

With another groan, Jungkook hangs his head back and tries to pull his legs from Hoseok and away from Taehyung.

“Slowly,” Hoseok says and Taehyung helps, securing a hand to the back of Jungkook’s head to help him sit up.

The moment he does, Jungkook breaks down.

“Hey,” Taehyung tries, but Jungkook is blocking him with a trembling arm. He chokes out, chest heaving.

Hoseok attempts to bring a glass of juice to his lips, rubbing at his back, but Jungkook is trying to shove him off too.

Taehyung can’t watch it.

“I’ll - I’ll get something,” Taehyung says in a rush before he darts out of the room.

The tremor in his hands is frustrating as he paces around in the other room, trying to figure out what to do and how to do it. He isn’t good at these things.

A shout startles him, his heart racing and eyes clenching closed. It continues, a mix of Jungkook and Hoseok’s voices. He tries to focus on the tone, but it’s his parents’ face that pop up into his head.

Get away from me, get away from me!

Taehyung used to scream that at them until his throat hurt. He hates the way Jungkook sounds when he screams it. He hates how desperate he sounds, begging for his best friend to leave him alone.

“Tae start my car,” Namjoon says, jogging into the room he’s in and tossing the keys. “Meeting Yoon at the infirmary.”

For once, Taehyung can’t stomach the sight of Jungkook. He’s an earthquake, sobbing softly and rubbing at his hands and thighs erratically. His breath comes out sharp and Taehyung wants to touch him, but it took too long for them to calm him enough to get in the car.

The silence probably makes it worse but Taehyung doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t think he should even be here.

He doesn’t want to leave Jungkook’s side.

The first sight of Yoongi has Jungkook’s breath coming out harsher, panicked. He waves Yoongi off but Yoongi ignores it, grabbing his cheeks.

When Jungkook’s knees buckle, Taehyung grabs his waist in fear of him falling again.

“I’m not positive he didn’t hit his head when he passed out,” Taehyung says, but Yoongi is so focused on Jungkook, he isn’t sure he’s even heard.

Jungkook is being pulled away them by a doctor and the receptionist a second later. Yoongi won’t let go of him, leaving the three of them standing in the waiting room.

Taehyung feels like he’s going to be sick or pass out himself.

“Fuck,” Hoseok groans, rubbing a hand down his face. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. That scared the shit out of me.”

There’s a tremor in Taehyung’s hands. He’s never afraid. Never that afraid. And if Hoseok has seen it before, often, he knows it isn’t something one gets used to.

“Jungkook hasn’t had a panic attack in a long time,” Hoseok huffs, fingers working over themselves as he starts to pace. “I think he’s having a mental breakdown. I’m going to have a mental breakdown.”

Taehyung reaches out, taking Hoseok’s hand into his own. It doesn’t calm him but he huffs out and curls into Taehyung until his nose is pressing into Taehyung’s shoulder.

It stays quiet until the echoes of feet have Hoseok yanking away.

“How is he?”

Yoongi storms into the waiting room like he’s on his way to murder. He wracks a hand through his hair, his face so pale Taehyung worries he’s the next to pass out.

“Kicked me out. Gonna sedate him or something because he can’t calm down. I don’t know, I barely heard Dr. Jung,” Yoongi huffs, rubbing his hand over his face next. “What happened?”

All eyes turn to Namjoon, who’s hands immediately lift up in defense.

“I don’t know. He was upset when he came over and I think I made him more upset but he talked so quickly, I couldn’t understand him.”

“Has he been eating?” Yoongi asks, eyes growing with worry.

“I don’t know.”

“Sleeping?”

“I don’t know ,” Namjoon snaps, the tension in the air already palpable and wearing at all of them. “I let him crash on my couch. I don’t babysit him.”

“Sorry. I’m sorry,” Yoongi says immediately. “Kook stretches himself too thin. I should have forced him to come home so I could have noticed he was spiraling.”

It isn’t Yoongi’s fault, but there’s a guilt in his eyes like he thinks it is.

“He picked up extra shifts at work,” Taehyung supplies. “And he would have convinced you he was fine anyway. Not your fault.”

Yoongi nods at that, rubbing at his jaw. “I need to talk to the doctor. You guys should go.”

Hoseok makes a strangled noise at that. “I’m not going anywhere, babe. You should know that.”

Eyes turn to Taehyung but he clenches his jaw, folding his arms over his chest. He’s not going anywhere either.

He’d be truly dumb if he were to pretend that even after all these weeks, he doesn’t still feel too much for Jungkook. It wasn’t even the situation that made him realize it, he always knew it.

And he can deal with Jungkook hating him as long as he lets Taehyung take care of him. He’ll learn what to do; he’ll research it or something.

“Namjoon-ah, take Taehyung home then,” Yoongi sighs. His eyes look regretful when he looks at him. “I think it’d be best if you weren’t here when he woke up.”

Taehyung laughs at that, the sound just as icy as it feels. “Yeah. Got it. I’ll walk.”

It’s the truth behind Yoongi’s words that makes the anger coil hot through his body.

He ignores Yoongi calling after him as he forces his way out the front door of the infirmary. He ignores the hand grabbing him and he hates himself when he turns with a fist out like he might strike.

It’s Hoseok, who is quick to shove Taehyung’s fist back at him. “It’s not like that.”

“I know what it’s like. I got it.”

“Don’t be that way,” Hoseok says gently. “You looked like you might pass out too, Tae. Yoongi doesn’t want Jungkook getting upset when he sees you’re upset.”

Taehyung shoves away from Hoseok, walking backwards. “Not upset. I’m fucking dandy, Hobes.”

And though Taehyung has always been good at hiding his emotions and pretending they’re not there, he knows both Hoseok and he know just how upset he is.

The music vibrates through the wall Taehyung leans against. It isn’t loud enough for Taehyung to make out what song it is, nor to drown out the moans in the room. Taehyung watches on lazily. He had tried to get away, even put a sock on the door and they still interrupted.

They know he’s here and they don’t seem to care. Even when smoke filters through the room from as Taehyung brings cigarette after cigarette to his lips.

He’s fucked up. He doesn’t even know what on; but he’s flying high and numb at the same time.

“Want to join us?”

“No,” Taehyung huffs, smoke tickling his lips as he watches the girl press back on her calves, her delicate fingers brushing through her curly red hair to pull it into a knot at the top of her head. She’s quick to undress, her heavy looking breasts bouncing as they slip from beneath her silky looking shirt.

“I’d prefer if you respect basic party rules,” Taehyung hums, tilting his head to breathe the smoke out above him. The other girl is handsy, her hair a dark green, all Taehyung can see of her as she buries her head between the red head’s legs.

It makes him think of what he would look like with Jungkook. His hair still red and Taehyung’s now a minty green.

Thinking of Jungkook makes Taehyung want to smoke something else. Drink something else.

Taehyung lifts himself, the high pitched moan the girl lets out making a throb pulse between his legs. He stumbles a bit, hand pressing into the wall for support. It makes him think of Jungkook again.

Everything makes him think of Jungkook.

He barely gets the door open before the bed starts to squeak and he slams it shut. He, a man who respects rules, makes sure the sock is still on the door knob before he takes off.

He doesn’t even know where he is and he doesn’t remember who he came with. The last time he remembers he had been at a club just outside of campus. Jimin was there. That feels like hours ago.

Taehyung peers his eyes around. None of these people are Jimin. Or Jungkook.

Jimin had insisted they go out after today’s events. When Taehyung admitted that he can’t get the image of Jungkook falling out of his thoughts. He hadn’t felt a fear like that in a long time. He doesn’t remember ever feeling so afraid.

I think it’d be best if you weren’t here when he woke up.

It’s the first time he’s been angry at Yoongi, too. He knows Yoongi is just worried about Jungkook, he gets it. The sight of him might make Jungkook panic, or at least not help him feel better.

Taehyung’s a shitty person, he gets it. He’s been that way his whole life but for some reason, he just needs to know exactly what shitty thing he did to Jungkook to make him hate him so much.

Normally, he wouldn’t care. He’s had plenty of people spit nasty words at him or tell him off. He doesn’t give a shit. But the idea of making Jungkook uncomfortable, reminding him of Cheol Su, has him so angry at himself that his stomach is starting to rot from his techniques at forgetting.

“Yo, you alright?”

Taehyung frowns as a familiar face comes into view. He has a baby face, much too young to be at a party like this. Hypocritical, since Jimin and he used to lie about their ages to get into parties when they were in high school.

“Do I know you?”

The man smiles, steading Taehyung with a grip on his arm. He’s strong.

“Sanha. Jungkook’s friend.”

Taehyung feels his lips curl. “Oh, Sasquatch.”

The baby faced guy laughs. He seems sober. “What are you doing so far from campus?”

Taehyung laughs. He has no idea where the fuck he is. “What are you doing at a party? You’re seven years old.”

The baby face laughs again. Taehyung hates him. He probably gets to laugh with Jungkook. His eyebrows move around his face too much and it makes Taehyung feel nauseous.

“Come on. Who did you come with? You look pretty fucked up, man.”

“Babies don’t cuss,” Taehyung sighs, but he lets Sanha drag him through the crowd. “Shouldn’t you be in Busan? Jungkook’s mother is in Busan. He misses her.”

Jimin had told him that when they first headed out earlier. It makes his heart ache. He’s never had a parent that loved him. If he did, he wouldn’t want to be apart from them either.

Sanha shakes his head as he guides Taehyung with a strong grip around his arm down the porch steps. “Man, I don’t know what you are talking about. How much have you had to drink?”

Taehyung doesn’t have the answer to that question. Jungkook has the answer to all of the questions. Taehyung huffs out a laugh. He misses Jungkook and his smart brain.

“Did you come here with him?”

Taehyung glances at the busy city, breathing in the fresh air. He thinks he knows where he is. It’s far from campus, but close to home. He doesn’t remember how he got here.

“Who?”

“Jungkook,” the tall man beside him laughs, pulling the phone from Taehyung’s pocket. “You keep saying his name.”

Has he? Taehyung slaps his fingers over his lips, telling his mouth to stop. He can’t give Jungkook the satisfaction knowing he’s made Taehyung feel something after he proudly built up a wall thick enough that the whole army couldn’t even break it down.

“No. We - we are not talking anymore.”

The tall man isn’t listening, or maybe Taehyung isn’t speaking loud enough. He starts to walk off. Home is a certain way, he’ll figure it out. His father would love to see him like this. Just as much as he loves that Taehyung has been skipping class again.

A hand grips onto Taehyung’s arm and a moment later, there’s an unfamiliar face in his view and a phone is being shoved to his ear.

“Taehyung?”

Taehyung chuckles lightly. Oh no.

“Hyung,” Taehyung says sweetly, grabbing the phone. “Hyungie.”

“Don’t hyungie me,” Yoongi snaps. He’s angry. Taehyung doesn’t give a flying shit, everyone’s been angry at him lately. “You know what kind of day we’ve all had, right? Do you really think I need Jimin calling me in pure panic because you disappeared?”

Taehyung pulls away, glancing at the phone. It says Jeon Jungkook. Worry makes him feel sick. “Is my baby okay?”

No. Taehyung’s heart pulses as he remembers. Not his baby.

“My baby Jungkook,” Taehyung tries, hiccuping out a laugh. “Just Jungkook, I mean. Jeon Jungkook.”

“He’s about as fine as you are,” Yoongi says, and there’s a hitch in his breath that Taehyung really isn’t fucked up enough to deal with. “I’m coming to get you. I can’t believe you pulled this shit on a day like this.”

Taehyung hangs up and lets the phone topple to the ground. He really can’t hear another word.

He’s crashing and he’s crashing quickly. His knees hit the ground but he barely registers the pain. It’s dull, a lot less painful than the way he fucked up his hand punching Cheol Su.

Taehyung huffs out a laugh, looking around at the empty street as he curls up his legs towards his chest to rest his head on his knees. The world morphs around him, colors sprinting across his vision.

And Jungkook, he always thinks of Jungkook. So much so that he sees them, standing before him before he falls to the ground until his head bounces against the side of the pavement.

Taehyung lets out a pained noise, burying his face into his knees. He’s hallucinating, he must be.

The panic starts when he sees Jungkook on the back of his eyelids and he doesn’t know how much time passes before his face is being lifted and Yoongi is there instead.

“Come on,” Yoongi says softly, gently as he rubs Taehyung’s cheeks. They feel wet. It must be raining. “Let's get you home.”

When Taehyung wakes, it takes him awhile to figure out where he is. His body throbs just as much as his head does. He figures it out just in time, as his stomach lurches and he rushes to the bathroom.

Bits of the night filter into his brain as he lays over the toilet seat. He doesn’t know when he started to forget, but he remembers something about red and green. And Goliath.

He doesn’t let himself think about it too much, dragging himself back to Hoseok’s couch before falling asleep.

Sleep stays with him until the night is dark, only interrupting him with stomach pain here and there. Whoever dropped him at Hoseok’s has left him be, and it isn’t until he’s getting up from the couch that he remembers why no one is here.

Jungkook passed out.

Taehyung sighs, ruffling his fingers through his sweaty, gross hair as he searches for his phone. He finds it in the hallway towards the bathroom.

It’s lit up with messages and missed calls. A quick glance through them and he knows Jimin is pissed at him. There’s an apology from Yoongi, but he doesn’t understand what for. He calls Hoseok, reading his heartfelt message about how much he loves him and knowing he’s the least likely to give him a headache.

He wonders what he did to worry everyone and Hoseok sounds relieved when he answers the phone.

“I’m on my way home,” Hoseok says. “You looked dead when I checked on you. I was nervous to leave you.”

“I’m fine,” Taehyung says. He’ll be hungover for days. “How is Jungkook?”

“Fine. The doctor put him on sick leave. He hasn’t been eating, I guess. Wanted to admit him to the psych ward but Yoongi convinced him he’d be better at home,” Hoseok murmurs, worry in his tone. “Yoongi’s been a wreck, Tae Tae. He didn’t mean to snap at you, you know that?”

“I don’t remember it,” Taehyung says, falling back onto Hoseok’s couch. It’s the most uncomfortable thing he’s ever been on and he already wants to nap again. “Tell hyung it’s fine. I probably deserved it.”

Hoseok is quiet for a moment and Taehyung can imagine him nibbling on his bottom lip before he speaks.

“You kept saying that last night. That you deserve everyone hating you,” Hoseok whispers. “You know no one hates you, right? If you weren’t wasted I would have punched you in the mouth because you kept calling yourself that nasty word your dad always called you, Tae. Pissed me off because I love you so much, got it?”

Taehyung presses his eyes closed, his tired state messing with his emotions. He knows no one hates him; he also knows if they did, they’d have a good reason to.

“Jungkook hates me.”

There’s silence for too long and Taehyung regrets saying it; opening up. He hasn’t said a word about it to anyone since it happened, even when Yoongi followed him around and tried to force him to talk about it, tried to explain on Jungkook’s behalf.

“He doesn’t,” Hoseok promises. “It’s Jungkook -”

“Get here,” Taehyung interrupts, his heart twisting inside his chest. “And I love you too, Hoseokie.”

Hoseok cooes over the phone, accepting the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it because he’s the best person in the world. “I’m almost home. Get that forehead ready for some smooches.”

It isn’t only smooches that Hoseok brings, but bowls of soup and Jimin and Yoongi. There’s a glare in Jimin’s eyes but it falters when he grabs Taehyung and hugs him.

“You scared me, jerk,” Jimin whispers. “How did you get all the way there? What were you on? You kept talking to the air, calling someone Goliath.”

Taehyung shrugs, the truth. He’s being punched gently in the chest a second later.

“Hey! It was your idea to go out?”

“For a drink,” Jimin cries. “I needed a drink. Not to lose my best friend while my boyfriends are in a hospital waiting room! I told you to stay away from that shit, Tae. You never do well when you start to trip out!”

“Hey,” Yoongi huffs, coming between them. He curls an arm around Taehyung’s shoulders and the other around Jimin’s, forcing them together. Jimin’s face squishes into his chest when Hoseok joins, yipping happily before he curls his arms over Yoongi’s.

The pressure makes the heaviness in his chest crack and he whimpers quietly into Jimin’s hair.

**

There’s a distant beeping that makes Jungkook aware of the fact that he is no longer dreaming. It takes him a few minutes to pull himself awake completely, and he regrets it the moment he peeks an eye open.

It’s bright, too bright. Pain explodes over his head and he groans lowly, shifting in a bed that’s so uncomfortable it makes his shoulders ache too.

He feels like he’s been smashed in the head and spine. He attempts to turn on his side as nausea washes through him, but is restrained by a pinch in his arm.

Jungkook frowns at the sight of the tube in his arm, panic rising. The beeping grows faster in pace and he turns to look around at the hospital room before the door is flying open.

He’s in the campus’ medical center, Jungkook thinks as he takes in the doctor walking in. He recognizes him from the time Jungkook swore he had an STD. He had not been judgemental of panic even though Jungkook was having an allergic reaction to his new laundry detergent. But either way, Jungkook still had been too embarrassed to come back, even when he was sick.

It takes him a second longer to remember why he’s here and his heart lurches in his chest.

“Mr. Jeon, do you know where you are?”

Jungkook nods, shifting up the bed. “Yes, Doctor Jung-nim.”

Dr. Jung smiles as he takes a seat. “You remember me, that’s good. Do you know why you’re here?”

Jungkook nods his head, clenching his fingers into the sheet over him. Embarrassment fills him that everyone saw him like that.

That Taehyung saw him like that.

The doctor doesn’t seem too concerned with the monitor, though he jots down something in his notebook when it picks up.

”I gave you a sedative to calm you,” the doctor explains. “Do you often experience episodes of panic?”

Jungkook shakes his head. “Not like, panic attacks. Not since high school.”

More noting. Jungkook hates it.

“Your vitals are quite low. Dehydrated. Can you tell me when was the last time you ate, Mr. Jeon?”

Jungkook twists to the side. He doesn’t remember. “It isn’t on purpose. I just forgot to pack a lunch and didn’t have time to eat between class.”

“I’m concerned about that, Mr. Jeon,” Dr. Jung continues, almost robotically, as he moves across the room and sits on the other side of Jungkook, forcing him to look at him. “I’m concerned that that happens often. Your hyung says you leave quite early in the morning and come home quite late. That your schedule is packed the entire day. He also says you have a tendency to panic.”

Jungkook wheezes. “My hyung?”

Dr. Jung flicks through his notebook before he hums. “Yes. Yoongi? Your brother? He brought you in. I asked him a few questions while we waited for you to wake.”

Yoongi hadn’t even been there when Jungkook fainted. At least, he doesn’t think so. He hadn’t known Taehyung was there either.

He wonders if Taehyung came with Yoongi.

“He’s outside, isn’t he?”

Dr. Jung smiles, showing off pearly white teeth. “He is. But you haven’t been out long, Mr. Jeon. I believe if you do not rest and nutrition yourself properly, collapsing will be a constant feature in your life. As well as many health -“

His words go through one ear and out the other. Jungkook knows this. It really was an accident. Sometimes he doesn’t realize that he hasn’t eaten and then he feels too sick to. But there’s not much he can do about his packed schedule. Dr. Jung works on a college campus, he should know that.

“I’m insisting you take a sick leave from work,” Dr. Jung says as he starts as he grabs a sheet that looks too much like a doctor’s note from Jungkook’s point of view. “And it’s almost the end of the semester, which means exams, and I’ll want you to check in with me more often, okay? I’ll talk to your advisor about lowering your workload for next semester. I also suggest you meet with the counseling center -”

Jungkook yanks himself up into a sitting position so quickly it feels as if he nearly rips the IV from his arm. Dr. Jung grows alarmed, standing up to press a hand to Jungkook’s chest.

“I can’t do that,” Jungkook blabbers. “If I don’t take extra classes, I have to take summer courses and I can’t afford those.”

The doctor sighs, handing off the sheet that is definitely a doctor’s note. “And if you keep showing up at the clinic’s door step half out of it, you won’t be able to afford the medical bills either.”

His words are spoken gently and he must realize that they upset Jungkook either way, because a moment later he’s calling Yoongi in.

Yoongi is whiter than Jungkook’s ever seen him, his skin void of all color. He immediately sits on the edge of the hospital bed and takes Jungkook’s cheeks into his hand.

There’s a kiss being pressed to his forehead a second later and Jungkook is embarrassed, but the guilt he feels is more powerful.

“I’m sorry,” Jungkook breathes as he tips his head and lets Yoongi rest his chin on the top of his head. “I was avoiding coming home.”

“I know,” is all Yoongi says as he rubs over Jungkook’s back. He wishes he could fold himself into Yoongi even more as he feels the pressure in his chest start to grow. “I know why you didn’t come home, Kookie. Don’t worry.”

Jungkook’s last year of high school, his mother had been in the hospital for weeks. There had been a flu going around that her immune system couldn’t fight off without help.

That was the last time Jungkook had a breakdown this bad. It felt like normal, overwhelming stress that he pushed through every time.

His brother had witnessed it, terrified before he ran upstairs to get Yoongi’s mother.

The guilt sat heavily with him for weeks. Yoongi and Hoseok missed class to visit him, his brother had cried, he lied to his mother.

Jungkook feels that same guilt now.

“Eat it,” Yoongi says, tone soft as he plops more food than anyone can eat at one time onto the plate in front of him. “How’d it go at the clinic?”

“I lied to them,” Jungkook admits, even though it makes Yoongi’s face twist in frustration. “I don’t want to be admitted anywhere.”

Yoongi sighs, reaching over the table to cut Jungkook’s meat. He feels like a child and he knows Yoongi needs to do it to make himself feel better, but it makes him feel worse.

“You’re not going to get admitted, Jungkook. It’s college; kids have breakdowns sometimes. That’s why the clinic is here. It’s the only thing that stupid President did right.”

Jungkook rubs at his thighs. He had heard the Dr. Jung telling Yoongi how it might better he spend the next week at the local hospital’s psych ward, but he hasn’t mentioned it. “You haven’t had a breakdown.”

Yoongi glances at him, quiet for a moment. “Comparing yourself to me ain’t it, Koo. I have an easier major. I don’t have the same pressure. I’m cool with passing with lower grades as long as I graduate because the field I want to go into isn’t as demanding.”

Everything he says is true; but at this point, he might as well be speaking another language because none of it is sticking into his brain. His own thoughts are too strong, fighting off every positive one that come near.

“You have me to deal with,” Jungkook whispers. “That’s an added stress.”

Planting the knife and fork to the table, Yoongi takes Jungkook’s hands instead.

“I don’t have you to deal with. Don’t think those things, Jungkookie. If I had to spend every moment of my life taking care of you, I’d feel fulfilled and happy.”

It’s a lie, it must be, but Yoongi looks genuine when he says it.

“You don’t mean that.”

Yoongi’s face is twisting in what is probably supposed to be offense, but there’s a gleam in his eyes that ruins it. “You calling me a liar, you little shit?”

Jungkook huffs out a laugh, desperate for Yoongi’s eyes to remain bright. “I am. What are you going to do about it?”

Yoongi snorts. “Haven’t heard of me? Min Yoongi, boxing champ. People run when they see me.”

Amusement fills Jungkook, washing away the static inside of him. “When I see you, all I remember is how you cried when we went to the shelter to adopt a kitten for your Eomma.”

Yoongi wrinkles his nose at that. “That never happened.”

“And I remember you washing my Eomma’s hair when her hands were too cramped and you trying to teach my brother how to bake cookies and almost burning the apartment building down.”

Jungkook smiles softly when Yoongi does, his chest feeling heavy. Heavy in a good way. A way he wants to cling onto.

“The only time you were scary was when you forced me to take you as my date to prom because you were insistent that I needed to go. A real menace you are.”

Yoongi laughs at that, soft little giggles that make his shoulders shake. “Your Eomma spent years trying to make you a tuxedo to surprise you. You had to go. And going stag isn’t embarrassing, Kook, but I understood why you thought so.”

Jungkook’s shoulders slump. He had cried when she gave it to him, knowing how hard it was for her to stitch anything yet seeing how strong she was.

“When you went to your prom with Hobi, was that because you two?” Jungkook isn’t sure how to say it; not sure what exactly Yoongi and Hoseok are. “You two were? Something.”

Yoongi’s smile falters for a second. “Ah, not really. Not yet. That um, was actually the first night we messed around.”

Jungkook wheezes at that.

“That time I caught you picking flowers,” Jungkook says, suddenly remembering, “you said you messed up and they were to make someone feel better. Were they for Hobi?”

Yoongi parts his lips before he rubs them together and nods.

They don’t ever talk about it.

Jungkook can’t handle things.

He wants to be better.

“It was. We uh, hooked up a few times. You know like, scattered times. It was a ‘we shouldn’t be doing this but it keeps happening’ kind of thing. And I was freaking out about it. Met Jimin. Hurt Hobi.”

Yoongi sucks through his teeth, cocking his head. He goes quiet for a moment and Jungkook gives him his time, not feeling as tense or uncomfortable.

He can’t imagine it; doesn’t understand how he didn’t notice it.

“I didn’t tell you about it because I was trying to figure it all out. I was afraid if you knew, you’d worry about something happening and ruining our friendship,” Yoongi admits.

He’s right; Jungkook would worry about that.

“And I was worried I would fuck up somehow and cause the ruin. It’s not that I thought you couldn’t handle knowing,” Yoongi sighs as rests his elbow on the table and leans his hand against his fist. “It’s just you’re not the only one that has a hard time handling things.”

Jungkook nods in understanding. He hurts that Yoongi couldn’t come to him, but that’s also how Yoongi is. Rarely has he ever told or shown anyone that something is bothering him.

“I wouldn’t make it official with Hoseok until I told you and Jimin wouldn’t be official with either us if it weren’t all of us together,” Yoongi says, lips quirking up. “But I thought, it’s been so long that I’ve kept it from you that if I tell you now, you would be angry with me. I didn’t know what to do, but I wasn’t doing the right thing.”

This time, Jungkook grabs Yoongi’s hand. “I’m not angry that you didn’t tell me. I’m angry with myself that I can’t be the same best friend to you as you are to me.”

He gets swatted at for that. “I told you to stop saying that stuff. You’re more than my best friend, you’re my baby brother.”

The pressure in Jungkook’s face is welcomed for the first time in a long time.

“Does that mean Hoseok’s not your best friend either, but your boyfriend ?”

Yoongi’s face crumples at that, eyes peering before he pinches Jungkook. “You are seven years old.”

Jungkook’s laugh fills the room as Yoongi gets up, turning but Jungkook sees how red and smiley he gets.

There are times when Jungkook needs the cold to cool his heated skin. It makes him feel better; more focused when his anxiety strikes makes him feel feverish.

Sometimes the cold gnaws at his bones and makes his hands shake in a way that triggers his anxiety.

Even bundled, the cold seeps in. Jungkook buries his face into his scratchy scarf, tucking his gloved hands between his thighs. It doesn’t help.

It isn’t even the worst part of the winter yet.

Rain splatters onto the ground, soaking his shoes and the bottom of his work pants. His toes already feel like ice and he should go back inside, but he’s worried about missing the bus.

It doesn’t help that he’s been nervous all day about facing Jiwon and giving him his doctor’s note. He was afraid of the questions, of disappointing. But Jiwon had been kind.

“Hey!”

Jungkook buries himself into his scarf further, shrinking into the glass window wall that’s been keeping him somewhat dry. A car pulls up in front of him but he doesn’t acknowledge it, the sky too dark for him to approach a stranger.

“Hey! You’re Jungkook, right?”

Nerves rattle through him as he peeks over his scarf. He has to get closer to see who it is but he won’t.

It doesn’t seem to matter as the car’s hazards light up the road and a moment later, a man is getting out of the car.

Yoongi used to teach him how to protect himself, but Jungkook knew that if the time every came where he would have to, he’d seize up and forget everything. Just like he is doing right now.

It isn’t until the man is nearly a foot from him and Jungkook is wondering if he should kick him in the balls, that Jungkook recognizes him as Kim Soohyun, Taehyung’s brother.

“I was hoping to catch you.”

Jungkook pulls from his scarf, glancing around. Given the weather, there’s not many people around.

Taehyung had said Soohyun wasn’t harmful, but hate rushes through him as he remembers the way he called Taehyung dumb.

“You - you were?”

Soohyun runs his fingers through his damp hair as he huddles beneath the bus stop. He’s dressed nicely, leather gloves on, a peacoat around his shoulders that looks almost as expensive as his car. His hair had been perfectly styled and slicked back before the rain.

The perfect disguise for a murderer.

“Yeah. I’m headed to campus right now to see my father, you need a ride?”

Without even thinking about it, Jungkook shakes his head.

“Oh come on, it’s freezing and dark. There may be creeps lurking around.”

Jungkook almost laughs at that. He doesn’t think Soohyun is a creep per se, but Jungkook’s wondering if he is wrong about that. It shouldn’t have been possible for Soohyun to know it was him after only meeting him just the one time. He was hiding in his scarf, on a dark, rainy night.

The idea that Soohyun had been following him or watching him makes him want to flee.

“I’m okay. Thank you though.”

Soohyun is curling a hand beneath Jungkook’s elbow before he can finish speaking, persistent in the way he tugs him from the bench. He still wears a smile though, one that reminds him of Taehyung.

“My father is quite fond of you. He’d wring my neck if he knew I saw you and left you here.”

Jungkook rubs his own neck, unsure what to make of the President talking about him to his family.

Soohyun makes it sound like a joke, but Jungkook wonders just how true that is.

“I won’t tell him.”

Soohyun snorts, tugging on his elbow again until he comes. “He’ll figure it out. Dude knows everything.”

Unsure as to how to politely get out of this, Jungkook lets Soohyun guide him to the car and open the door for him.

The inside is sleek and all leather, the new car smell still lingering. He feels uncomfortable and like his body is too big inside, so he sticks his hands between his thighs and clenches hard around them, curling forward to make himself smaller.

It’s awkward.

“You work at that burger joint?”

Jungkook nods before he realizes it's dark and Soohyun probably can’t see him. “Uh. I’m on leave right now. For um, exams.”

They’re coming in close and Jungkook is more thankful than ever that someone paid his tuition. Without work, he wouldn’t be able to eat and sleep as much as the doctor needs him to. But without having to pay his tuition, he has extra cash.

“Cool.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes. Cool isn’t quite the word but Soohyun isn’t being rude to him. He’s just trying to make conversation, Jungkook tries to convince himself.

“So um, what did you mean you were hoping to run into me?”

Soohyun taps his gloved fingers around his steering wheel. “I have a friend that was talking about a Jungkook and I was wondering if it was you.”

“Probably not,” Jungkook responds. Being around Soohyun makes him want to crawl out of his skin and he isn’t sure why.

Maybe because what he said to Taehyung, maybe because he has the same tattoo as Cheol Su.

“I hope not,” Soohyun laughs without amusement. “I’d have to tell my father to keep you away from Tae.”

Jungkook clears his throat and cracks his neck. What the fuck . “Then definitely not me.”

When Soohyun glances at him, his face doesn’t look as friendly as it did before.

“Has Tae ever taken you to one of those boxing matches he loves so much?”

Jungkook lies, shaking his head. It’s an instinct he doesn’t understand.

“I’m surprised,” Soohyun laughs again. He laughs more than Taehyung does. “He runs with this crew down there. Young kids thinking they’re bad you know? There’s this boxer, Min Yoongi -”

There’s sweat growing on Jungkook’s palms and suddenly he’s regretting wearing so many layers. The heat blows from the dashboard too, the seat warmers on, and Jungkook wonders if he might pass out a second time.

“Started beef with this guy there. One of those you don’t want to fuck with guys right? Which takes big balls because Min is like, two feet tall on his tip toes.”

Jungkook wonders if he should open the door and tumble out of the car at the next red light. But every light they pass is green. He’s even too nervous to crack a window, though he desperately needs the air.

“I heard it was over some guy named Jungkook,” Soohyun goes on. “I don’t need that kind of heat around my baby brother, you know? He’s got anger issues and loves pressing buttons. I don’t need him getting hurt because he can’t keep his mouth shut. And he must be fond of you if he brought you to his part of the house. Butler Kang told me.”

Jungkook relaxes some. Maybe he’s just being biased because the only thing he’s ever heard about Soohyun is him being a dick. Which, Jungkook still thinks he is, but maybe he really does mean no harm.

“I understand,” is all Jungkook responds with. If they were closer, he would ask Soohyun more. Like what does he mean Taehyung must be fond of him? What did Butler Kang tell him?

“Luckily the guy, Cheol Su, and I go way back. I could convince him to lay off my brother for being one of Min’s boys.”

His relaxation vanishes at the mention of Cheol Su and his body goes taut. He tries not to react as Soohyun looks at him again like he’s expecting him to react.

“But the Jungkook guy is one of Cheol Su’s,” Soohyun goes on, knowing in his voice. “That’s why I wanted to make sure it wasn’t you. Cheol Su wouldn’t back off if my brother was messing with one of his.”

The sight of the campus as Jungkook considering jumping out of a moving car.

“I’m in Niejdlik building,” Jungkook lies, pointing to the closest dormitory.

Soohyun hums an affirmative as he pulls towards it. Jungkook prays there’s someone outside who he can pretend to talk to or the door is unlocked.

“Thank you so much,” Jungkook says, trying not to appear as if he’s rushing to get out as he spots a student headed towards the front door.

“No problem, and Jungkook?”

Jungkook grips onto the door, keeping it half shut. “Yeah?”

“Your last name is Jeon, right?”

Soohyun grins though Jungkook is sure he can’t see how startled Jungkook is becoming.

“Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, goodnight and thank you.”

Jungkook doesn’t care if Soohyun catches him running inside the building. He sits himself on a bench inside, in front of the Dorm Director’s office to ease his breath before he calls Yoongi to pick him up.

He tosses his phone aside when he remembers Yoongi is at work. He knots his hands into fists, not even bothering to clean his rain splattered glasses.

He stays there for a bit before deciding to brave the rain and walk home. His encounter with Soohyun has rattled him and he’s nervous about being spotted again, but his apartment is just off campus.

It’s difficult not to run, not wanting to slip over the sidewalks. He takes off his winter jacket in case Soohyun does drive by again, shoving it between his arms as he ducks his head and takes off.

He doesn’t understand if he was being threatened or not; but it felt like it.

When lights flash over his leg and a car slow besides him, Jungkook feels as if he could cry. He’s only a few days past his breakdown and he really, really doesn’t want another one so soon.

But the voice isn’t Soohyun’s, it’s more familiar.

“What are you doing?”

It makes his heart beat just as fast, though. Jungkook can’t see Taehyung well through his blurry glasses, but he recognizes his car.

“Walking home.”

Jungkook is sure Taehyung frowns at that and it’s confirmed by the tone of his voice when he says, “get in.”

“I’m good,” Jungkook says. “Thank you.”

It doesn’t stop Taehyung from trailing after him, the car driving slowly to match the pace Jungkook walks, which feels close to running.

“Just get in,” Taehyung calls. “You’re not well, Jungkook. You shouldn’t be in the rain.”

He grits his teeth. He doesn’t want to be reminded that Taehyung was there, saw the way he lost himself.

When Jungkook doesn’t respond, the car stops. He desperately wants to run back to Taehyung and run away at the same time.

He isn’t expecting to hear the car door shut and beep like it’s being locked, and he’s ashamed to admit the butterflies that erupt in his stomach when Taehyung’s shoulder bumps into his.

Taehyung walks beside him, eyes ahead and hands tucking into his raincoat. It looks thin and Jungkook knows he must be cold because the shirt he wears beneath it barely covers the bottom half of his torso, his dangling belly button ring revealed beneath the lip of his shirt.

“You don’t have to,” Jungkook says, unsure if he can be heard underneath the rain smacking against the pavement.

Taehyung completely ignores him, not even looking his way and acknowledging the fact that he’s being spoken to. The rain is falling hard enough to already soak Taehyung’s hair but he doesn’t even wip it back and out of his eyes.

“Seriously, I’m okay.”

Nothing.

Jungkook let’s out an aggravated noise as he turns on his heel and storms back to where Taehyung haphazardly parked his expensive car in a no parking zone.

“Unlock the car,” Jungkook grits out as he grabs the passenger door.

He doesn’t need Taehyung getting sick because of him.

The car comes alive as it beeps again, lights skating across the road. Jungkook is sure Taehyung is grinning in victory but he doesn’t look to see if he’s right as he throws himself into the passenger seat.

He’s hit with the scent of vanilla, radiating from the many air fresheners Taehyung has along his dashboard. There are balled up fast food bags on the ground and receipts shoved into the cup holders between the seats.

Taehyung doesn’t say anything as he opens up the driver’s door, nor when he pushes the engine button and takes off.

Jungkook can barely hear the rain over the pounding of his heart. Thankfully, he doesn’t live too far away.

“You gonna tell me why you’re risking your health knowing how worried your hyungs already are?”

There is no malice in Taehyung’s words but they stab at him anyway.

He wonders if Taehyung worried too.

He feels even guiltier wanting him to.

He doesn’t feel like he should tell Taehyung about Soohyun, so he doesn’t. He has a feeling it might make Taehyung angry and when Jungkook’s chest feels as heavy as it does now, he can’t handle anger well.

Soohyun told Jungkook that Taehyung struggles with anger issues, but so far all of it has seemed understandable in Jungkook’s mind.

He wonders if Taehyung’s standing up for himself is something Soohyun considers to be an anger issue .

“I got off at the wrong bus stop.”

Taehyung glances at where Jungkook’s hands clench and unclench on his lap.

It goes quiet again after that, though Jungkook expects Taehyung to call him out on his lie.

It makes him sad. He wishes it was back to normal, even if Taehyung made him shy and nervous, he also made him laugh and feel good.  He misses looking at Taehyung and always finding Taehyung looking back.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Taehyung nods his head, clearly aware that Jungkook keeps glancing at him.

“How does your brother know Cheol Su?”

This catches Taehyung’s attention, finally pulling Taehyung’s eyes onto him. He doesn’t answer at first, jaw tightening as he starts to tap his fingers at the steering wheel.

It reminds him of Soohyun just a handful of minutes earlier.

“My brother is more known at the Club than I am,” Taehyung finally says. “And at the Club, there’s all kinds of fake, wannabe gangs. People associated with whoever they rock with grouped together because of rivalries and all that shit. We’re the Min’s Boys, though calling us a gang is a stretch. I ain’t getting Yoongi’s name tattooed anywhere on my body.”

Jungkook laughs quietly when Taehyung’s lips quirk up at that.

“Cheol started fighting because of Soohyun, I think. Their crew took on an ‘badass’ biker image because they thought it looked intimidating or whatever. Took the whole gang thing a bit too serious.”

Jungkook nods in understanding as he turns his eyes out of the window to watch the passing apartment buildings.

It makes him sick that Cheol Su is still talking about him. Calling him his .

“Are you friends with him?”

Taehyung laughs at that, the sound cold. “Not really. We used to party together before his and Yoongi’s beef started. Acquaintances at most.”

There’s a thickness in Jungkook’s throat that feels suffocating. He spots his apartment building in the distance and finds he doesn’t want to get out of the car.

“Did he talk to you about me?”

The idea of Taehyung knowing anything about what happened is upsetting to him. But even more so is Taehyung listening to the things Cheol Su has said about him and believing them.

He isn’t sure if he believes Cheol Su’s words about Taehyung and him sharing stories together. Taehyung has lied to him about school before, but Jungkook wouldn’t take him for someone to make things up to look cool or whatever Cheol Su is trying for.

“I don’t care to listen to anyone bragging about what they do behind closed doors. Makes them sound like grade A douche bags, if you ask me.”

Jungkook watches Taehyung as he curves the wheel and idles the car in front of the apartment building. He doesn’t get out of the car.

“You talk about yours.”

Taehyung leans back against his door, eyes searching over Jungkook. It’s dark, but the street lights are enough to make out his face. It is more serious than Jungkook’s ever seen, but somehow void of emotion again. The way he’s turned reveals the ‘fuck school’ in bold letters across his chest and Jungkook wonders if Taehyung was on his way to see his father too.

“I make jokes, to my friends. When you asked about Jiwon, I played off what you were implying and because you’re cute when you’re jealous. But I didn’t tell you anything nor brag.”

Jungkook sucks in a breath. He’s always been amazed by how easily Taehyung admits things.

“I didn’t even tell Jimin that we used to fuck around, Jungkook.”

Used to. Jungkook knew Taehyung dropping their tutoring sessions without a word was a sign Taehyung was done with him, but the confirmation hurts.

“Even if I was angry at you, I wouldn’t do that.”

This time, Taehyung talks soft and slowly in a way that make Jungkook wish he was playing with his hair while he talked to him.

Jungkook digs his fingers into thighs. He wishes he didn’t bring it up.

He is trying to get better at handling things.

“Are you?” Jungkook asks, hesitating. Does he want to know? “Angry with me?”

Another laugh, another lacking amusement but it isn’t cold. He drags his fingers through his wet hair, making it stand up over his forehead. “No, Jungkook, I’m not angry with you.”

“You sure? You keep calling me Jungkook.”

“That’s your name.”

Jungkook wrinkles his nose and glares. Taehyung is still just as frustrating as always. “Well, that's not what you call me.”

Taehyung leans in then, his old amused grin back. He taps a fingers under Jungkook’s chin, head cocking to the side.

“Go inside and dry off. Drink tea so you don’t get sick, baby .”

Normally, Jungkook would push Taehyung’s hand off, but he has missed Taehyung’s touch too much to do so.

It feels ridiculous to be so affected by something so simple, but Taehyung is right there, touching him, his face only a few inches away from his own.

Taehyung’s grin falters when Jungkook doesn’t respond, but swallows instead. He pulls his touch away and let’s his hands fall limp into his lap.

“Let me make you tea too. As a thank you for driving me home.”

Taehyung waves him off, adjusting in his seat to grab the steering wheel again. “No need to thank me. Have a good night.”

**

When Taehyung was younger, he had been smacked so hard in the mouth for cussing that the shape of his mother’s rings stayed printed on his cheeks for what felt like weeks. He still has a scar over the corner of his mouth, hard to see but he notices it sometimes in the mirror.

He stares at that hand while he’s being scolded, but he doesn’t listen to what she says. He knows he hasn’t been going to class often, and that he got probably the worst grade on record on the paper she’s currently holding.

He’s forced to look at her when she grips his chin and presses her manicured nails into his skin. “Are you high?”

Taehyung isn’t. He didn’t sleep last night though. He wishes he were high but he pinky promised his friends he wouldn’t touch another substance until Jin’s Birthday Bash.

And even then he has to be monitored. Taehyung understands now why Jungkook hates feeling like a baby.

“I am not,” Taehyung huffs, pulling his head from her grip. “Are you? I think Xanax is worse than weed, Eomma.”

“ Taehyung . Do not speak to your mother like that.”

Taehyung glances lazily at where his father sits behind his desk. He knew he would be called into his office again one day. He’s surprised Jungkook isn’t here, unless he told his father that Taehyung stopped showing up to the tutoring sessions.

Sometimes Taehyung stands outside the building, feeling like a creep just to watch Jungkook go running inside. The same time every morning. No one else ever enters and Taehyung wonders if Jungkook is waiting for him to. He hadn’t meant to be a creep, he just didn’t have the nerve to ask how Jungkook was doing and even if he did, he needed to see him himself.

He’s been looking like shit.

“Sorry, Appa.” Taehyung rolls his eyes as hard as he can. “Hypocrisy runs in this family just as much as drug use does, apparently.”

His cheek stings from the pain of his mother’s hand. It’s ballsy with the amount of windows in his father’s office, but not giving a fuck also runs in the family.

“You’re a disgrace,” he hears his father say. He wants to rub at the sting on his cheek but he doesn’t want to give his mother the satisfaction. “We have done everything to assure you succeed, and to help you do so.”

Taehyung braces himself. It’s in his father’s tone. He’s going to call him that word and Taehyung is going to react.

“But instead, you sit with every single excuse you can think of. Acting as if you’re an idiot. An ungrateful brat, is what you are! Acting as if you’re -”

Taehyung tightens his fists when he sees his father’s mouth start to shape the word but there’s a loud bang on the door that has him pressing his lips together instead.

“Come in.”

The air is tense and the moment Jungkook steps inside the office, it worsens. Jungkook must notice as his nervous wide eyes jerk between Taehyung and his parents before he bows.

“President Kim, you called me?”

Jungkook looks awful. He’s pale, the bags under his eyes worse than they’ve ever been before. He isn’t dressed up in his button up or sweater vest, nor his track outfit. Taehyung vaguely remembers Jimin mentioning the doctor insisted that Jungkook take a break from everything but class. Taehyung has been worried about what he’s been doing in his free time after he found Jungkook walking, pale as a ghost, in the pouring rain.

“Yes, yes. Come in, Mr. Jeon. This is my wife, Yoonhee.”

Jungkook side eyes Taehyung before he bows before his mother. “Yoonhee-ssi, it’s so nice to finally meet you.”

The difference on his mother’s face is astounding. She smiles sweetly at Jungkook, even gently petting his red cheeks. “Oh, he is adorable. Your hyung said you were quite fond of him. I see why.”

Taehyung doesn’t respond but folds a hand beneath his chin, unbothered. His brother doesn’t know shit about it.

The red grows on Jungkook’s face. His fingers are twisted in the sleeves of his jacket and he tucks them between his legs when he sits.

Taehyung wants to hold his hand.

“You don’t know how grateful I am to you,” his mother goes on, making Jungkook look even more embarrassed. “Taehyung has been impossible all of his life. You must share your secrets.”

Jungkook glances at Taehyung and Taehyung shakes his head slightly. He doesn’t give a shit what his parents say, he doesn’t need Jungkook to worry.

“Jungkook, I have a huge request,” his father starts. And no . Taehyung glares at what he thinks his father is doing. “Soohyun told me you’ve taken a leave from work and your coach is reporting you have quiet for the season?”

What ? Taehyung thinks, glancing at Jungkook to watch his hands for signs of lying. When the hell did he see Soohyun?

Jungkook nods, unblinking as he stares at his father.

“I was wondering if you could spare me some of your time. You’ve already helped so much, but I’m afraid my wife is right, Taehyung is impossible. This isn’t your fault, of course.”

Taehyung bites his cheek, body thrumming with anger.

“Anything you need, President Kim.”

There’s a shake in Jungkook’s voice and the urge to touch him is growing too strong.

He doesn’t know why he gives a shit. Jungkook hates him; he’s associated him with Cheol Su in his head. Believes he’s the same kind of asshole.

Taehyung feels desperate to prove him wrong.

“This must stay between the four of us. As it is, unprofessional of me. Especially in my position. But I’m hoping if you’re heavily compensated, it makes the risk worth it.”

Jungkook is sweating, palms rubbing over his thighs. Taehyung sits quietly, trying not to get backhanded again, this time by the hand his mother has covered in heavy looking rings.

“It is very important to me that Taehyung passes his classes. We don’t want -” His father stops himself, clearing his throat before he smiles. “My wife and I want to see Taehyung walking the stage, you see.”

Bullshit, Taehyung thinks. He just doesn’t want any of his colleagues to see how dumb his son is.

“What - what is it? Sir?”

His father goes quiet for a moment, before folding his hands onto the desk. “I need you to take Taehyung’s exams for him.”

“Absolutely not,” Taehyung says, interrupting loudly before anyone can get another word in. “No fucking way. Not a chance in Hell .”

Jungkook jumps from the sudden sound of Taehyung’s voice. His father grows red in the face, a vein popping over his forehead.

“Taehyung -” his mother starts, but he isn’t listening.

“Jungkook is on work leave and off of track because he fucking passed out,” Taehyung says so angrily that spit flies from his mouth. “Because he’s been so overloaded he doesn’t have time to eat. He’s in six classes as is. That means six exams, and you want him to take three more? No fucking way and don’t you dare agree, Jeon.”

Jungkook shrinks in on himself, arms covering over his stomach and into the back of the chair. He knows, he knows, it isn’t any of his business, but it is.

Even if Jungkook doesn’t like him back, he’s made Taehyung feel good for the first time in years. Even if Jungkook doesn’t want him around, Taehyung still needs Jungkook to be okay.

“As a University President, Appa, you should be more concerned about your students having mental breakdowns,” Taehyung snaps. He doesn’t think he’s going to be able to stop himself. He feels it sizzling inside of him, ready to burst out of him.

“Jungkook is a strong boy, Taehyung -”

Taehyung doesn’t want to hear a word of it. He hates the way Jungkook’s eyes are wide and how he shrinks into himself.

He can’t stop seeing the way Jungkook had fallen, panicked to the point he wouldn’t let anyone near him.

“You go through with this and I’m reporting you to the board,” Taehyung interrupts as he stands. He doesn’t register his mother moving until more pain bursts over his cheek.

“Do not threaten your father,” his mother snaps. Taehyung’s teeth throb from the blow and he jumps when gentle fingers grab the hand over his cheek.

Jungkook’s there in a second, and he hovers his hand away when Taehyung flinches like he isn’t sure he can touch.

“He’s fine. I’m sorry you had to see that, Mr. Jeon,” Yoonhee apologizes with fake sincerity. “Taehyung’s never been an easy one to scold. Old fashioned practices only seem to work.”

There’s something in Jungkook’s glassy eyes that has Taehyung’s heart aching. He doesn’t want Jungkook to see this part of his life. He doesn’t want Jungkook to see how badly he struggles with anger.

“You won’t report it to the board,” Jungkook says. “I’ll do it. Because of my grades, I am excused from three of my exams. And you’re in basic Chemistry, Taehyung. I could take that exam with my eyes closed.

“But I will go to the board if I hear you call another student an idiot, President Kim.”

Jungkook turns then, the trembling in his hands betraying the confidence he pretends to have. Taehyung’s heart lurches when his father leans back, his eyes growing wide in surprise.

“I - I heard you outside. I could hear everything in the hallway,” Jungkook stammers out. “I - I know how much and what companies help fund this school’s programs. I am sure they won’t - they won’t appreciate the university President calling one of his students an idiot because he struggles with his studies. Especially Allies Inc. Their vision is ‘a world where limitation does not distinguish and define’ after all. And I’m quite sure they offer a very charitable contribution each year.”

Taehyung has never, ever in his life ever wanted to kiss Jungkook as badly as he wants to right now. His father looks thrown off by Jungkook’s boldness as much as Taehyung is. But Jungkook’s nerve doesn’t last long before he’s bowing low and nearly running from the office.

Snatching his bag, Taehyung takes off after him, ignoring his father’s call after him.

“Jeon!”

Jungkook ignores him and keeps storming off.

Taehyung cusses under his breath. Even sick, Jungkook is fast.

“Baby!”

It is successful in getting Jungkook to whip around, but he doesn’t look pleased.

“No,” Jungkook says, stepping back. “I’m sorry. I have to go. I am supposed to meet with hyung. If I don’t, he gets weird and will blow up my phone and I’m on low battery.”

“Baby,” Taehyung says again but he never got over his addiction to calling Jungkook that. He cups Jungkook’s elbow, wanting to pull him close. “You’re not doing those exams. I will kill you if you even attempt it.”

Jungkook narrows his eyes at him. “I am. I worked hard during those tutoring sessions. You’re passing those classes whether I have to do them myself or not. And that’s it.”

“I worked hard too,” Taehyung snaps defensively.

“I know,” Jungkook says without hesitation. “Which is why I’m angry right now. You should be worried about your grades for you. Not for me, not to spite your parents. Show them you’re as smart as you are, Taehyung. That’s the best way to slap your mother in the face the way she slapped you.”

Jungkook softens as he curls a finger underneath Taehyung’s sore cheek. His eyes grow sad and Taehyung hates it; hates pity, but he isn’t sure that’s exactly what Jungkook is feeling.

“You should go see Dr. Jung,” Jungkook murmurs. “You’re bleeding.”

Taehyung curls his fingers around Jungkook’s wrist before he turns and presses a kiss to his palm. He can’t say the words, but he needs Jungkook to know them. I’m sorry, I miss you.

A sharp breath leaves Jungkook’s lips as he tenses, but his fingers stiffen out like he’s giving Taehyung space to kiss more.

Maybe. Taehyung needs to stop just relying on the small indications that Jungkook is okay with it and just ask him.

“I’ll take the exams,” Taehyung says. “You don’t have to. Trust me, I’ll take them. If that doesn’t convince you, then know if you do those exams and get sick again, Yoongi will murder me and spend his life in prison and you’ll have to bear the weight of that.”

Jungkook huffs out a breath, rolling his eyes. “I know you can do them, Taehyung.”

He turns then, walking off slower. Taehyung doesn’t know if that means anything, if that means Jungkook wants him to walk with him or not.

“Jeon!” Taehyung calls, heart skipping a beat. “You’re the only one that believes in me.”

Jungkook turns around, walking backwards. There’s a grin on his lips when he says, “didn’t you say I was the smartest person you know?”

Taehyung cannot do this.

He stares at the study guides, at the shapes and words on the paper and he wants to scream. He’s too tired for this and maybe he shouldn’t have smoked first.

Taehyung flips through his notebooks, finding the notes he had written word for word of what Jungkook said. He remembers the sound of his voice, the look in his eyes as he explains things.

Its distracting because in the margins are doodles of Jungkook, little notes about things he had said unrelated to schoolwork.

Taehyung sighs, running a finger underneath each word so he focuses and retains each one. He says them under his breath, quietly so Jimin won’t hear where he’s studying across the room.

It feels like it takes forever just for Taehyung to finish half of the study guide. He needs a break though, swearing he actually does, before he hands his paper to Namjoon.

“Tell me if this is correct,” he says before he flies into the kitchen.

Every year before exams, Namjoon hosts a study party. Taehyung has never attended it until this year and he did come just to study, but he is disappointed that Jungkook isn’t here with everyone else.

Namjoon offers him the paper back, thankfully explaining which parts he had gotten wrong and why they are wrong.

“Thanks. You’re no Jungkook, but close enough.”

Namjoon swats him in the chest. “Shut up. Thank god I’m not him. I’d throw up if you looked at me the way you look at him.”

Taehyung wrinkles his nose around a growl and punches Namjoon back.

He’s trying. Trying to go at it by himself but when Monday rolls around and there’s a few questions he isn’t sure about, he finds himself standing outside of the tutoring center.

There’s no reason Jungkook should be here but he hopes so. The reception area is empty except for the woman he signs in with.

“Uh, is Jungkook here?”

The woman doesn’t look at him as she nods. It’s that way with everyone lately. Exam week makes the campus look as if a zombie apocalypse has happened.

“Where?”

She flits a hand in the general direction of the study rooms. Taehyung bites his tongue. He shouldn’t be too hard to find, no one else would be willing to wake up this early to study.

He is easy to find but Taehyung had been wrong about Jungkook being the only one here. He hesitates when he walks by the windows and spots Jungkook’s forehead nearly pressed to another man’s as he points down to a textbook.

There’s a static in Taehyung’s chest that he should, needs to ignore, but he is opening the door before he can stop himself. He knocks as he opens it, making Jungkook nearly fly out of his chair as the other with him only slowly lifts his head.

Jungkook’s face turns red immediately.

“Taehyung. What - what are you doing here?”

“Hey Jeon,” Taehyung greets as he leans against the doorframe. “Just making use of the great things this university offer us. Figured no one would be here.”

Jungkook wrinkles his nose. The other man’s eyes are sparkling and Taehyung frowns.

“I’m always here at this time.”

It’s awkward. Taehyung hates awkward.

Shifting away from the door, Taehyung drops his bag on the table. Despite there being six other empty chairs, he parks himself beside Jungkook.

“Do you mind if I study in here?”

Jungkook looks a bit lost for words, growing redder.

“I’m sure there’s plenty of other rooms.”

Taehyung slowly lets his eyes travel to the other man at the sound of his voice. His eyes are bright with amusement.

“This one has better lighting.”

He has no idea, but when Jungkook nor his friend comment, Taehyung pulls out his study guide and starts working.

Everything is done but the parts he needs help with, so Taehyung spends his time pretending not to eavesdrop. Jungkook takes a deep breath, which he continues to do between each pause.

It’s when Taehyung glances at Jungkook and sees the way the pen he holds trembles that he wonders if this was a bad idea. If he messed up again and made Jungkook uncomfortable.

“Kookie baby, can you help me with this?” Taehyung asks as he digs through his bag, pretending like he isn’t aware that he’s interrupting.

He keeps digging himself into a bigger hole but Taehyung has always had impulse control problems.

“Um, with what?”

Taehyung yanks out a pen buried at the bottom of the bag before rolling it to Jungkook. “This chem shit.”

Jungkook frowns, glancing at the man who Taehyung is started to get annoyed with. He just looks like an annoying person.

“Who’s your professor? I have Yoon for chem. Total bore,” the man says as Jungkook glances at Taehyung’s work.

It makes Taehyung feel worse. Jungkook does everything he’s asked so easily.

“Ma Ri,” Taehyung answers. He wants to tug the study guide back from Jungkook, regret filling him but Jungkook is smiling.

It makes his heart swell as Jungkook sucks his bottom lip into his mouth like he’s trying not to.

“You’re one of Min’s boys, aren’t you?”

Taehyung raises an eyebrow at the stranger, trying not to show how affected he is just by Jungkook’s smile.

His smile directed at Taehyung’s work.

“Mhm,” Taehyung hums. “Heard of me?”

The man grins as he leans back in his chair and Jungkook stills, staring down at the paper as his smile vanishes. He doesn’t have a familiar face, though his cat like eyes make him stand out - Taehyung doesn’t recognize him.

“Yeah. I go to the Club sometimes. Rumor has it he got into a fight with one of those biker dudes and hasn’t shown his face since.”

Jungkook’s sharp exhale is quiet but Taehyung is so tuned into him he hears it.

Taehyung laughs quietly. “Nothing like that. Family shit, you know how it is.”

The man flashes him a toothy grin. “Right on. I’m Moonbin by the way.”

Taehyung feels like being petty, but he doesn’t. Instead, he smiles and takes the hand that is offered to him.

The strength in Moonbin’s grip isn’t accidental.

“Taehyung.”

Jungkook clears his throat, giving Taehyung a look he doesn’t understand. But apparently Moonbin does as he stands, wiping his hands on his legs.

“I should head out. Thanks for your help, Jungkook-ah.”

Taehyung frowns when he stands completely. He’s tall .

What is it with tall men making him jealous? He’s plenty tall himself.

“Nice meeting you,” Taehyung says with a half wave. He can feel Jungkook’s eyes boring into him as Moonbin leaves.

“What are you doing?” Jungkook whispers despite them now being alone.

“I need help,” Taehyung says as he shifts his study guide so Jungkook can see.

Jungkook softens, his smile flickering back. “From what it looks like, you don’t need help at all.”

Taehyung bites his cheek so his smile won’t show Jungkook how that makes him feel. “I do. There were a couple questions I couldn’t figure out.”

He flips to them, showing them off and Taehyung freezes when he spots the ‘ Jungkook ’ scribbled on the side. He quickly closes the packet.

“Oh, well, funny thing. I just remembered the answer.”

Jungkook narrows his eyes suspiciously. “Did you come here just to mess with me? Make me embarrassed in front of Moonbin?”

Taehyung frowns at that. “Why do you care about being embarrassed in front of Moonbin? Are you -”

“No,” Jungkook grunts before Taehyung can finish. He snatches Taehyung’s packet, quickly opening it again. “You know I get embarrassed in front of anyone.”

Leaning an elbow on the back of his chair, he tries to remain calm that Jungkook doesn’t spot his doodled name. He hopes there’s only the one. “I also know you have a tall man kink.”

Jungkook glares so hard Taehyung almost laughs.

“I do not.”

“Mhm,” Taehyung insists. “You know tall is the number one leading characteristic of cheaters? All tall men cheat.”

It's hard not to laugh when Jungkook’s eyes grow with amusement.

Taehyung’s cheeks feel hot.

“All tall men suck. Except for Namjoon,” Taehyung says seriously. “Whomst I call Daddy Long Legs, by the way. Jin hates it.”

The room fills with Jungkook’s giggle that he hides behind his hands. Taehyung joins him, laughing quietly as he pulls Jungkook’s hands from his face so he can hold his fingers and not let them go.

“You don’t really call him that, do you?” Jungkook chokes out.

It feels normal, nice.

Taehyung desperately doesn’t want to ruin it.

“Mhm. Sure do,” Taehyung sounds proudly. “So no more hanging out with tall dudes, Jeon. Except Namjoon.”

Jungkook stays quiet for a moment, sucking on his bottom lip and growing tense when Taehyung drops his eyes to his mouth.

“You sound jealous.”

It’s a weak comeback, soft spoken and clearly meant to be joking, but Taehyung is.

“I am,” Taehyung admits, tone also joking. I miss you, I miss you. “Never said you could tutor anyone but me, baby.”

Jungkook lets out a breath that sounds like he’s been holding it. “You um, stopped coming.”

Taehyung cringes internally. Don’t avoid, don’t avoid runs through his mind but the tension slowly seeping into his body makes his fight or flight go into over drive.

“When someone says they hate you, you probably shouldn’t force yourself around them,” Taehyung says as he pulls his hands from Jungkook, heart dampening when Jungkook easily lets him go.

It’s too much and Taehyung hates when he can’t breathe. He grabs the packet to shove it into his bag, but Jungkook lays a hand flat onto it and stops him.

“Wait. Don’t go,” Jungkook says under his breath, eyes wide and Taehyung’s angry at himself that he can’t stop upsetting Jungkook. “Please sit back down. I didn’t mean to ruin it.”

Taehyung had been so ready to feel he didn’t even realize he was half out of his seat. Jungkook didn’t ruin a thing.

“You scared Moonbin away, I still have a half hour left,” Jungkook says. He lets out a laugh that sounds forced. “How are almost as tall as tall boys? Can I hang out with them?”

Confusion fills Taehyung. He doesn’t want Jungkook to date anyone, tall or small.

“I’m making a joke,” Jungkook rushes, turning red again. “A really bad joke. I meant you. Because you’re almost as tall as everyone you call gigantic.”

Taehyung melts back into his chair. He smiles at Jungkook’s attempt at using humor to lighten the situation like Taehyung always does because he needs it.

And Jungkook knows that.

“Depends,” Taehyung playa along, flashing Jungkook a cocky grin, “what’s their name?”

Jungkook rolls his eyes. “I just said it was you. Shut up and tell me what question you need help with.”

Taehyung’s cheeks hurt from the way his smile pushes into them and it only worsens when Jungkook scooches closer to him.

“I don’t by the way,” Jungkook whispers as Taehyung taps on the question he needs help with. “I don’t hate you, that is.”

Taehyung isn’t aware of the tightness in his chest until he exhales out and it releases.

The first exam, Taehyung feels anxious again. He waits outside of the classroom, waiting for the door to open up to his death. He spent the morning with Hoseok asking him question after question, cheering him as he got them right, but he isn’t feeling confident. A lot of it is equations, and Taehyung isn’t confident.

Taehyung’s chest is tight as he exhales, puffing out his cheeks. He can do this. He knows his father’s been modifying his other grades; he doesn’t know how but there are a lot of high Cs that Taehyung never earned, even on things he never even remembers working on.

He wants to earn this one; mostly to spite his parents and so Jungkook doesn’t have to.

So Jungkook knows he worked hard to helped him and it actually worked.

It’s been a long time since Taehyung has had a reason to be motivated. He knows Jungkook wants him to be his own motivation, but whatever works, right?

“Taehyung.”

Taehyung whips around at the sound of Jungkook’s voice. He looks just as shitty as the last time they saw each other, his hair a ruffled mess and his glasses needing a cleaning. He holds a textbook to his chest, the image of test tubes beneath his arms.

“You came.”

Taehyung wrinkles his nose at that, glancing at the closed door and Jungkook. “You didn’t come here to take the exam for me, did you? I told you I was coming.”

Jungkook snorts at that. “Unfortunately, your professor would know it’s me and not you. I was supposed to take the exams in your father’s office. I came to wish you luck.”

Maybe Jungkook meant it when he said he doesn’t hate him, but Taehyung still doesn’t know why he would say it anyway.

“Thank you, Jeon.”

“Don’t be afraid to scribble things out on the sides of the paper until you can figure it out. And don’t get frustrated with yourself or it’ll make things harder on you. Oh, and -”

Taehyung takes Jungkook’s hand before he can finish. He squeezes it gently, desperately wanting to kiss Jungkook.

They aren’t okay - Taehyung doesn’t fucking know, but he just knows his heart is swelling because it feels normal.

“Okay, sorry,” Jungkook huffs, smiling and Taehyung’s crashing with how much he missed him. “You’ll do fine. Okay?”

“Come to Jin’s,” Taehyung says. “It’s this Saturday, after exams. Before everyone goes home for the break.”

Taehyung knows Jungkook isn’t going home. The idea of him being the only person on campus, even though he knows that won’t be true, makes his chest ache.

“Uh - I’ll think about it,” Jungkook says, offering him a smile. “I wasn’t cleared to go back to work yet, so. I’m not sure.”

Concern makes Taehyung’s heart drop. “Did you tell Dr. Fuck that not having money is going to make you stress?”

Jungkook sniffles his nose before rubbing it. “Actually, someone paid my tuition. I suspect Yoongi, but he denies it. So, I have some extra, emergency cash and the next tuition payment ahead of time.”

Taehyung bites at his smile, looking down at his toes. His father had instructed him to go to the admissions building and pay half of Jungkook’s monthly tuition as a compensation for his help.

Instead, Taehyung paid the rest of the semester and all of spring semester. The scolding he got for being ‘reckless’ with his father’s money had been worth it.

“Oh good,” Taehyung says as the door opens and his professor appears. His nerves are back. “I’ll see you, yeah?”

“You got it!” Jungkook says, pushing up on his toes to call after Taehyung like a mother shouting after their child on the first day of school. “Remember, I know you can do this. Trust me.”

And maybe Taehyung believes Jungkook doesn’t hate him. He is the smartest person Taehyung knows, because he knows how much Taehyung needs to hear that even if he’s never told him.