Archive of Our Own ^beta

Bucky can't sleep. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Sam falling from the helicarrier. He knows it technically wasn't him who kicked Sam, but even with the winter soldier taking over, it was still his hand that ripped Sam's wing off and it was his foot that kicked Sam in the stomach and send him to fall to his death. Bucky opens his eyes again. Not helpful. He stares at the ceiling. The wonder stars shine in the dark. He remembers Sam's face when he came home with a pack of wonder stars one day, the kind of stars kids have in their room to bring the night sky into their bedrooms. Sam's smile had been soft and warm and Bucky had shown him the stars, explained how he wanted to put them on the ceiling because he missed the night sky in Wakanda. They'd put them up together and stayed on the bed when they were done, looking up at the ceiling where at least 40 of the wonder stars where sticking. Now, Bucky is looking at them alone. Stupid Captain America business. The world may need Captain America, but Bucky needs Sam.

It's five in the morning when Bucky decides that it's time to get up. He puts on one of Sam's sweatshirts because he misses his boyfriend, sue him. The material is well worn and soft and smells like Sam and home and Bucky really, really misses Sam. He eats breakfast and turns on the tv to see the news. His phone has been silent since yesterday and Bucky wants to know if the media knows more about his boyfriend's super important Captain America job than he does at the moment.

“That was a close call”, the news reporter says and Bucky freezes. The camera shows Sam now, his Sammy, with a black eye and a scratch on his forehead. “Yeah, but it had to be done. And it turned out just fine, didn't it?”, his boyfriend answers, a tired smile on his face. His arm is in a sling and Bucky hates to see him hurt. The interview ends, the building that collapsed is shown before the show cuts back to the studio.

Sam comes home around noon. The door opens quietly, but Bucky snaps out of his doze anyway. Sam leans against the door frame, looking at Bucky. “Hey baby”, he says, “I'm home, safe and sound.” He sounds tired. Bucky stands up, wraps Sam into a hug. “I saw the news”, he answers, voice quit. “Of course you did”, Sam sighs, “I know you want me to stay save and all, but I can't promise you anything. You know that. Are you okay?” “Yeah”, Bucky replies, “just glad you're home.” Sam's hand finds it's way into Bucky's hair. They stay like that for a long moment before Sam pulls back. His hand moves to cup Bucky's cheek. He looks concerned. “When was the last time you got a good night of sleep?”, he asks. Bucky thinks about it. “The night before you left”, he finally answers. There's a frown on Sam's face. “Bucky”, he says. He seems like he wants to say something else, but decides against it. “Can't sleep when you're not here in my arms, I feel like I always need to hold onto something and I can't do that when you're not here”, Bucky says. Sam's hand is petting Bucky's hair. “You wanna go and take a nap?”, he asks. Bucky nods. He's so tired all of the sudden. Sam takes his hand and takes him to their bedroom. He gets under the covers, Bucky follows suit. He pulls Sam into his arms, holds him close. Soon, he's out like a light.

Sam takes him to the city the next day. They walk into a shop that looks like something they're way to old for, but Sam insists, so Bucky follows him in. The store is filled with stuffed animals. Sam takes Bucky's hand and guides him to the back of the store. “Okay, what is going on here?”; Bucky asks, looking lost. “When I woke up this morning, I thought about what you said yesterday”, Sam says, “and you said you need to hold onto something so you can sleep.” Bucky nods, “okay? Yeah, that's why you're sleeping in my arms or on top of me all the time, Sammy. What's your point?”

“My point is”, Sam says, walking towards one of the shelfs, “that I can't be with you all the time.” “Stupid Captain America business”, Bucky replies. Sam glares at him. He gets something from one of the shelfs and walks back to Bucky. “Anyway. My point ist, I found a buddy for you that you can keep in your arms when I'm not there.” Bucky blinks. Sam is holding a bear. The bear is brown and wears goggles like Sam does when he flies. He has wings attached to his arms that look like Sam's wings. He's wearing Sam's suit. “He looks like-”, Bucky takes the bear from Sam. “Me”, Sam says, “yeah. With me becoming Cap they decided that there had to be merch everywhere. I found out about this yesterday. I know it's cheesy and you don't have to take this one, they have a lot of bears here, you can-” “I love him”, Bucky presses the bear to his chest, “not as much as I love you, but he's pretty close already.” Sam smiles that brilliant smile that Bucky loves so much. “Okay”, he says, “then he's coming home with us.”

When Sam leaves for his next mission, Bucky kisses him goodbye before he leaves. When he goes to bed that night, he presses the bear close to his chest. He smells like Sam. And Bucky? Bucky sleeps.