Chapter Text
Perry woke up slowly, which was an unusual luxury. Most mornings, he woke up with his boys, who sprang from bed fully awake far earlier than most kids their age would. On occasion, his communicator woke him instead. He always felt less charitable towards Major Monogram and Dr. Doofenshmirtz those days. Today, however, he woke up gradually, snuggled up in Heinz's arms.
It said something about the time he had been accustomed to waking up that mere moments passed before he heard his boys race down the stairs to start their day. Heinz stirred a little, before quickly settling back into sleep. Perry smiled.
Unfortunately, the lie-in couldn't last. Perry needed to make an appearance in his lair. He didn't go in at all yesterday, and he ran the risk of being docked for unauthorized days off — or even assigned to some other mission, since he clearly had so much time on his hands — if he didn't at least go in and do some paperwork.
With a quiet sigh, he carefully pulled himself out of Heinz's arms. Heinz shifted, frowning, and Perry wished he’d stored some of his decoys in the guest room rather than just in Phineas and Ferb's bedroom. He patted Heinz's hair, and the boy settled down, his frown fading until it was barely there.
Perry left Heinz curled up in a patch of sunlight and slid into the hall, closing the door behind him quietly. There was an entrance to the lair in the guest room, but it was a loud vacuum tube and Perry didn't want to wake Heinz. He opted instead to take the elevator hidden behind the hall table, which was quieter and less likely to be noticed.
Once in his lair, he made a beeline for his computer. Perry did have a cubicle at HQ, but it was inconvenient and small, and he had everything he needed here in his lair anyway. Plus, while he didn’t exactly mind most of his fellow agents, it was generally quieter and easier to focus in here.
He booted up the computer, frowning at how long it took to load. The program he used took even longer to open, and he grimaced at the number of forms he had to fill out. He spent four hours working on various reports, explaining how exactly downtown had become covered in pasta salad last week, and he hadn’t even made a dent in the paperwork. He groaned, about to bang his head on the desk in frustration, when his phone buzzed.
It was Vanessa, letting him know that she had fixed the youth-inator. He was caught between laughing at or being disturbed by the image of Norm playing catch with a trap fitted with Doofenshmirtz’s prosthetics, and he quickly sent a thumbs-up emoji back while he thought about it. He was leaning towards disturbed. None of the traps he could think of would benefit from a pair of humanoid arms.
Perry shook his head to clear that image. That was not something he wanted to think about. He turned back to the paperwork, but Vanessa interrupted him again, asking when they should take Heinz to be re-aged. He let her know to come by this afternoon. The sooner this mess was over, the better, really. Perry enjoyed the way that Heinz slotted into his family a little too well, and it would be easier to resolve everything now rather than let this continue on.
Plus, it seemed like Lawrence was fully prepared to adopt Heinz, even after only a day. It was all well and good now, but they needed to bring Heinz back to his real age and he was sure that Lawrence would resist letting the boy leave. It was better for this to happen soon rather than allow Heinz to become too firmly entrenched in the family.
Perry shut down his computer. He was absolutely not going to get any more work done now, and so he continued the time-honored tradition of secret agents leaving their paperwork incomplete for another day.
He climbed back into the tube, careful to remove his hat before the system sucked him up and deposited him directly onto his bed. Faintly, he heard the sound of construction coming from the back yard, and he trotted over to the glass door to look.
The boys had replaced the yard with an Olympic-sized swimming pool, complete with beach chairs and umbrellas. The Fireside Girls performed synchronized swimming at one end of the pool while Ferb welded together the last support braces on the highest high-dive Perry had ever seen on the other. Next to the high-dive was another diving board, sitting about three feet above the water.
Phineas stood next to the diving boards in full beach-mode, wearing his sunglasses and swim trunks with his nose slathered with sunscreen. He made rapid, excited gestures at the high-dive while Heinz hid behind him.
Heinz was dressed in swim trunks clearly borrowed from Phineas and a plain white tee shirt that Perry had never seen before. He was looking at the shorter diving board distrustfully, seemingly completely ignoring the existence of the high-dive. Perry, however, could see the look on the boy's face that meant that he was completely aware of what was there and was doing his best to pretend it didn't scare him, even if that meant ignoring it. Doofenshmirtz did the same thing.
Perry slipped out into the backyard and trotted towards the boys. Both Phineas and Heinz must have spotted him simultaneously, because Phineas’ “There you are, Perry!” overlapped with Heinz’s happy cry of “Herr Schnabltier!”
Phineas looked at Heinz with a smile. “Mr. Platypus?”
Heinz flushed. “I didn’t know his name when I met him,” he mumbled.
“I like it,” Phineas declared. Ferb gave a thumbs up from the ladder of the high-dive.
Heinz hid the small smile on his face by kneeling down and petting Perry. The boy scratched right on the spot that made Perry’s tail flick up, and he felt his eyes close involuntarily.
“How did you meet Perry?” Phineas asked, and Perry’s eyes shot open. He gave Heinz a pleading glance, counting on the boy’s body to block his break in cover.
Heinz met his eyes and frowned a little, but obliging said, “I was making something for the science fair, and Herr Schnabltier helped me out.”
Perry let himself relax. That was true, but wouldn't give him away. No mention of Drusselstein or spending the night, two things that would definitely harm his cover.
“Cool!” Phineas said. “We wondered where Perry disappeared to all the time. You like helping people out, don’t you boy?” Phineas joined Heinz in petting Perry, and Perry let out a happy chatter in response.
After a moment, Phineas sprang up. “Now then, let’s go swimming!” Ferb, who had finished with the high-dive at some point in the conversation, gave a thumbs up.
Heinz looked uneasy, and Perry remembered that Doofenshmirtz had never learned to swim.
Phineas motioned towards the other end of the pool. “The water’s shallow over there, so we can get used to the water before we go diving. Come on!” He speed-walked to the stairs into the shallow part of the pool.
Perry gave Heinz an encouraging glance and trotted after Phineas. Heinz sighed quietly behind him, and when he looked back, the boy had risen and was starting to walk slowly after him. Perry smiled. It had been a while since he’d gone swimming, and he was a semi-aquatic mammal, after all.
Vanessa swallowed down a lump in her throat as she waited at the door. Despite visiting the Flynn-Fletcher household before, she was well aware that this time something could go very, very wrong. Surely the Flynn-Fletchers had realized that sending Heinz back to his parents was a very bad idea. She knew that Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher could be incredibly oblivious, as she’d heard Candace complain about her enough, so convincing her shouldn’t be a problem. It was Mr. Fletcher that she was worried about.
Candace didn’t complain about her dad like she did her mom, so Vanessa had no way of judging if this whole thing would go smoothly or not. Because here she was, about to claim that she thought she was related to the kid who was actually her dad and that her extended family had just informed her that her distant cousin, Heinz, had gotten lost on their last trip to America.
Vanessa could lie like the best of them — she was the teenage daughter of an evil scientist, after all — but she wasn’t entirely sure she could pull this off. Every moment standing here at the front door to the Flynn-Fletcher house made it seem less and less likely that this would work. Before she could second guess herself too much, however, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher opened the door.
“Vanessa!” she said, sounding surprised. “Candace is out with Stacy and Jeremy today, didn’t she let you know?”
Well, it was now or never. “No, I’m actually here to talk to you and Mr. Fletcher. Can I come in?” Her voice was remarkably steady for how anxious she felt.
“Of course!” Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher said, ushering her into the house. “Have a seat!”
She motioned towards the couch in the living room, and Vanessa sat down carefully. The woman called for her husband to come downstairs, then turned towards Vanessa. “Do you want anything to drink? Or a snack? I tried out that kale granola recipe I got from your mother, it’s delicious!”
Vanessa smiled faintly, remembering just how horrible that granola tasted and how much her mom loved it. “I’ll just have some water, thanks.”
Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher smiled, then turned into the kitchen. Outside, Vanessa heard a splash and she turned to look out the window. There was a massive swimming pool set up in the yard, and a massive wave, clearly from someone diving into the pool, hit the concrete rim. Phineas surfaced from the waves’ epicenter with a grin, and yelled something unintelligible into the sky. She followed his gaze up and up to see a diving board build so tall that she spotted a plane making a detour around it and several birds smacking face-first onto the ladder. She squinted. Did — did the top of the board have flashing red lights on it?
There at the top, barely visible, was Dad (and boy, it was strange to see a child and think of him as ‘Dad’). As far as she could tell, he was clinging to the board. There was a little teal blur up there that was probably Perry, too. Vanessa's breath caught in her throat as Dad suddenly plummeted from the board towards the surface of the pool, Perry close behind him. She couldn't tear her eyes away as he spun in the air a few times before hitting the water in a rough cannonball. A wave, perhaps bigger than the one Phineas had caused, splashed across the pool, and then Dad resurfaced in time for Perry to hit the water right next to him. Vanessa's heart hurt a little to see the fragile grin on Dad’s face.
The sound of the stairs creaking made her turn back to see Mr. Fletcher at the base of the staircase. He didn’t seem to notice Vanessa, instead walking into the kitchen and putting his arms around his wife. “You called, dear?”
Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher let out an amused huff. “Vanessa wanted to talk to us,” she said, inclining her head towards the living room.
Mr. Fletcher nodded slowly, but without seeing his face Vanessa couldn’t really tell what he was thinking. A wave of anxiety surged up in her chest, and she tried to crush it down. It wasn’t entirely successful as she couldn’t exactly reassure herself that this conversation would go well. This was a long shot if she’d ever seen one.
Before Vanessa was fully able to suppress her anxiety, Mr. Fletcher turned and walked over to where she was sitting. His face was kind, and Vanessa wondered if it would stay that way during their conversation. Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher followed her husband and handed Vanessa the glass of water before sitting down.
“What’s on your mind?” Mr. Fletcher asked.
Vanessa clutched the water glass and took a deep breath. “So, you guys know Dad’s family is from Drusselstein, right?” She tried to project her usual demeanor of an aloof teenager, but it didn’t feel like it was working.
At the murmurs of acknowledgment from the adults, she barrelled forward. “Well, Uncle Roger let us know this morning that one of their distant cousin’s family visited him the past two weeks, but they lost track of their son in the city and had to return home without him.”
Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher made a soft sound, hands flying to her mouth at the idea of a child alone and lost in a foreign country. Mr. Fletcher raised a brow, but only gestured for her to continue.
“His name is Heinz,” Vanessa said carefully, trying to remain collected. Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher’s eyes widened, but Mr. Fletcher’s gaze didn’t change. “I didn’t connect the Heinz staying at your house to this cousin I’ve never met when I was here yesterday. I didn’t know he was missing, and Heinz is a common name in Drusselstein.”
She sighed. “I don’t even know if he actually is the same Heinz, to be honest with you. But Dad started freaking out when Uncle Roger told us, and he said that if we find Heinz that he can stay with Dad while we find out how to get him back home. And I thought, maybe it’s this kid named Heinz from Drusselstein that I ran into at a friend’s house?”
Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher was nodding before Vanessa even finished her story. “I’ll call the boys in,” she said, standing quickly and walking to the back door. Mr. Fletcher was looking at Vanessa with a furrowed brow. He looked like he was about to say something, but was cut off as three very wet boys and an equally-wet platypus barreled into the room.
“Hi, Vanessa!” Phineas chirped when he caught sight of her. Dad waved shyly from between the other two boys.
Vanessa smiled at them, heart in her throat. “Hey guys,” she said. From behind Dad’s legs, Perry shot her a concerned look, then resumed his vacant expression. She wasn’t sure how he did it. Keeping up a facade and lying to those you love had to be difficult and painful. It was hard enough lying to the Flynn-Fletchers, and they were just the family of one of her friends.
Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher came up behind the kids and laid one hand on Dad’s shoulder, and Vanessa didn’t miss the way he flinched slightly at the contact. “Vanessa wanted to ask you a few questions, Heinz,” she said.
Dad’s expression shifted from panicked to suspicious and back, but he nodded slowly, gaze firmly a few inches to the left of Vanessa’s eyes. Vanessa felt like cursing. This was already off to a bad start.
She powered on anyway. “I don’t think I properly introduced myself,” she said, switching to German despite her skills being a bit sketchy and knowing that Dad could speak English now. “My name is Vanessa Doofenshmirtz.”
Panic flashed across Dad’s face, followed by a sort of resigned understanding. It hurt to put that expression on a child’s face. Perry, clearly picking up on Dad’s unease, walked around his legs and laid down on his feet.
“My uncle told me this morning that a distant cousin of mine got lost in Danville a few days ago, and his family was forced to go back to Drusselstein without him. I’ve never met him,” she said, trying to lie as smoothly as she could, “and his name is Heinz Doofenshmirtz.”
“That’s my name,” Dad said in a voice that sounded like it was trying not to be forlorn and failing.
Venessa smiled. It felt wrong on her face. “Everyone’s been worried about you,” she said, and that felt like the biggest lie of all, even though everyone who did know what happened — namely, her and Perry — were actually worried. Dad clearly didn’t believe it. “My dad wants you to stay with us until we can get you back home to your parents. Is that okay?”
She could tell that Dad thought it was very much not okay, but he also didn’t seem to think he had a choice. He really didn’t, but it was painful to see the light leave his eyes as he slowly nodded.
Everyone else watched the exchange with varying degrees of comprehension. Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher looked lost, clearly not able to understand any German, but smiled encouragingly at Dad and Vanessa. Phineas seemed happy that Heinz had found his family, while Ferb looked contemplative. Mr. Fletcher’s brow was still furrowed, and he looked like he wasn’t entirely happy.
“Well,” he said, clapping his hands and breaking the tension. “I’m glad that we found Heinz’s family. Why don’t you boys run along and play while Vanessa and I talk about what happens next, hmm?”
Phineas agreed swiftly, and went to grab Dad’s hand to go back outside. Before he could, Dad bolted to the stairs, then up to the second floor. Perry shared a glance with Vanessa before trotting up the stairs after him. Phineas made to follow, but Ferb put a hand on his arm and they shared a meaningful look. Phineas deflated and followed his brother out to the yard. Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher gave Vanessa a smile, clearly not having noticed the drama that just played out in front of her, before retreating to the kitchen.
With Perry already off comforting Dad, Vanessa was left to talk to Mr. Fletcher alone. He seemed affable enough earlier, but now he looked downright intimidating. She pulled all of the teenage indifference and evil confidence she had around her, trying not to show exactly how shaken she was by this whole situation.
“You know Heinz’s parents?” Mr. Fletcher asked. His voice was even and strong and gave nothing away.
“I wouldn’t say I actually know them,” Vanessa said, truthfully. After all, she’d never actually gotten to know her grandparents. On either side, come to think of it. “I met them a few times at family reunions, that’s all. I never actually met Heinz, though, so I didn’t recognize him until I heard he was missing.”
The man nodded and turned to face her. His eyes were icy, and even though she was reasonably sure that he wasn’t angry at her, Vanessa leaned back as she tried to control her flight response. Mr. Fletcher seemed to pick up on her unease.
“I don’t want to interfere with affairs within another family,” he started, “but I refuse to sit by and let a child return to an abusive situation.”
Vanessa looked down at her hands, feeling a little guilty. There was nothing she could say, really. In all her (admittedly brief) planning she hadn’t been able to figure out a way around this particular thing — that her grandparents were abusive and she was going to sound like she was bringing Dad back to them. God, this whole situation was bizarre.
She felt Mr. Fletcher’s eyes studying her. “You knew they were abusive.” His voice wasn’t any softer.
Despite it not being a question, Vanessa felt herself nod.
“I don’t believe you’re a bad person,” he said, and Vanessa had to bite back a snort at that. “I don’t think you would return a child to an abusive home, either.”
Vanessa’s mind whirled. She could see where this was going, and it wasn’t going anywhere good.
“There’s something you’re not telling me.” Mr. Fletcher’s tone was that of a disappointed parent; reproach swirled together with disappointment.
“You wouldn’t believe me,” she blurted. Shit. She hadn’t meant to say that.
Vanessa snuck a peek to see the man’s face morph into a small, indulgent smile. “I have seen my sons build amazing things, many of which seem to fly in the face of laws we think govern reality. I think I can handle something a little unbelievable.”
That was… something she should have expected, really. Most of Danville’s excitement this summer had centered itself around this household, after all. Before she could second guess herself, she said, “Heinz is actually my dad.”
Mr. Fletcher raised an eyebrow but motioned for her to continue.
She looked away again, trying to figure out what to say without giving too much away. “He’s an inventor, you know?” she finally said, picking at her cuticles. “He made something that would turn someone into the child version of themself, but it malfunctioned and hit him. I don’t live with Dad except on alternating weekends, so I didn’t know anything had happened until I saw him in your backyard yesterday.
“I wanted to make sure I could turn him back into an adult before I did anything.” She made a vague, helpless gesture. “Plus I didn’t know what to say. So I went to his workshop this morning, and thankfully the invention has a reverse switch. I’m pretty sure I can get him back to normal.”
Mr. Fletcher stared at her. “Well,” he said after the silence drew out into an uncomfortable length. “That’s certainly something.”