Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Waking up beside Jay in the mornings never got old. He loved the relaxed look on Jay’s face when the past wasn’t invading his dreams. He loved the way Jay instinctively curled into him in the winter, seeking out his warmth. He loved the way Jay’s eyes shone in the sliver of light that snuck through the gap in the blinds, face still lazy with sleep, but eyes alight like diamonds, happy in the way a person can only be before their brain is fully awake and alert.

Adam loved waking up beside Jay, even on the days that didn’t start with warm kisses and soft touches and false promises of never leaving the bed. He didn’t mind the days that Jay woke up moody or disconnected, even if he wished there was something he could do because he got it. Before Jay, all his mornings felt like that no matter who he woke up beside.

He wondered if it should matter to him that he’d fallen in love with someone who could never love him back fully, someone whose heart belonged to someone else, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He could settle for good enough. He could settle for this, for as long as it lasted, because even though he knew it wasn’t forever, he would be happy with however much time he got. Even though he knew it wasn’t ‘I love you,’ he could be happy with ‘I like you enough to share this chapter of my life with you’.

Adam smiled as Jay curled further into him, grabbing a fistful of his shirt with a soft groan.

“You’re doing it again,” Jay grumbled, pressing his face into the crook of Adam’s neck.

“Doing what?” Adam asked through a fond laugh, face heating up at the thought of Jay somehow reading his thoughts.

“Thinking when you should be sleeping.”

“I’m thinking about what I’m gonna make you for breakfast,” he lied easily, running his hand up and down Jay’s back before pulling him closer.

“Oh yeah?” Jay asked, craning his head back to look at Adam, sleep-hazed smile on his face. “What did you decide?”

“Depends on how much you love me,” Adam teased, leaning in to capture Jay’s lips with his own.

Their kiss started lazy, Jay’s hand roaming idly up Adam’s shirt and along his side, only to deepen when he slipped his hand below Adam’s waistband, grabbing a handful of ass as he pulled him close enough to create friction.

Adam groaned at the loss of contact as Jay moved to straddle him, but he was quick to reach between them, palming Adam through his boxers with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Keep that up and there won’t be breakfast,” Adam said with a breathless laugh, arching up into the contact as Jay leaned in again.

“Fine by me,” Jay murmured against Adam’s ear before kissing down his neck.

Waking up beside Jay certainly never got old, but then neither did mornings like this, and though it was hard to not let slip a tiny ‘i love you’ between breathy moans, it was more than Adam could have ever hoped for, far more than he could have ever asked for, and he was ready to savour every moment of it in case it was gone tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Even on his worst days, Adam somehow drew comfort from brushing his teeth next to Jay in the mornings. He figured it was the act of doing something so mundane with somebody he loved that made it enjoyable, but every time that thought entered his mind his stomach swooped with nerves, heart stuttering with the realisation that he loved Jay, as though that were a new revelation and not something he thought about on a daily basis. So he tried not to think about it, and instead tried to simply enjoy it.

He enjoyed the eye rolls and the teasing jabs from Jay for noticing how, regardless of what came before it, regardless of what kind of hangover he had or how poorly he’d slept or if he’d woken to a cold, empty bed with Jay sleeping on the couch because he didn’t want to wake Adam with his restlessness and nightmares, he always seemed to have a smile on his face while brushing his teeth.

“I’ll never understand you,” Jay said with a disbelieving look as he placed his toothbrush in its holder.

“What?” Adam asked through a mouthful of toothpaste, but he knew what. He’d been caught smiling again, he’d been caught in his own head again.

“You know exactly what,” Jay said quietly.

Adam expected him to leave like he always did, go collect his things while he waited for Adam to finish getting ready, but instead, he wound his arms around Adam’s waist from behind.

“Bit hard to finish with you there,” Adam slurred, trying not to lose the toothpaste in his mouth down his front.

“Never heard that complaint from you before,” Jay said with a smirk, and Adam snorted in response as he leaned forward to rinse his mouth out, nearly choking in the process.

Jay laughed as he loosened his grip, but he didn’t move even as Adam turned in his arms. His expression had turned soft and affectionate, and for a moment Adam’s brain short-circuited, his heart thumping against his ribs. But he didn’t dare let himself get hung up on that fact, didn’t dare let himself believe that the look Jay was giving him was anything close to love.

“I love our mornings together,” Jay said softly before reaching up to press a kiss to the corner of Adam’s mouth.

He had to remind himself to breathe, to relax, to smile and ignore the tightness in his chest and the way longing threatened to overtake the delicate contentment he’d managed to find in his unrequited love. Just as Jay’s smile began to slip, brow furrowing, mouth poised for question, Adam crashed their lips together, hot and heady, albeit a little clumsy, as he pulled Jay towards him.

It wasn’t until Adam ground down against him, half hard and wanting, that Jay pulled back, hand settling on Adam’s chest as he caught his breath. With his pupils blown wide, cheeks flushed and lips kiss-bruised, Adam couldn't help but dive in again, not caring for a second how late they would be or what Voight might have to say about it.

To his surprise, Jay entertained him for a full second before pulling back again, out of reach this time, looking very much as though he’d rather be doing the exact opposite instead.

“You started it,” Adam said with a grin, running a hand through his hair.

Jay rolled his eyes in response, punching him lightly on the arm on his way to the door. “If you wanna fuck me before work, join me in the shower.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Adam called after him.

He’d thought Jay had already gone, but he popped his head back around the door with a smirk. “I’m counting on it.”

Chapter Text

It was a sinking feeling in his stomach that woke Adam, the awareness of the empty space in his bed hitting him for the fifth night in a row. At this point, Jay was practically living with him, and yet more and more frequently Adam would wake to find him sleeping on the lounge or cleaning or sitting on his laptop at the kitchen counter, sipping a beer.

Adam never asked. Every time, he figured he should, but he was scared of pushing Jay further away, of ruining this beautiful thing they’d created for themselves.

Rubbing at his eyes, a blanket pulled around his shoulders in lieu of actual clothing, Adam padded into the lounge room. He expected to see that familiar glow of the tv or a laptop or phone, but instead there was just a sliver of light peeking from under the laundry door.

“Jay?” He asked, voice husky with sleep.

When he received no response, he crossed the lounge room, pausing at the door, not sure if he should interrupt or just leave Jay to do whatever it was he was doing to pass the time and take his mind off things. He sighed, resting his head against the door frame, wishing, not for the first time, that he was enough of a distraction, that his affection, his love, could be enough to take his mind off things. He knew that wasn’t how it worked, but a part of him couldn’t let go of the thought that maybe it Jay loved him back, maybe if this relationship really meant something, then it would be enough.

“Jay?” He tried again, voice a little louder this time, and the slight rustling on the other side paused before the door opened.

“Sorry,” Jay said softly. “Did I wake you?”

Adam shook his head in response. “What are you doing?”

“Honestly?” Jay asked with a small huff of laughter. “Your lack of a laundry system has been driving me crazy.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jay said with a soft smile.

“It all gets washed,” Adam said through a laugh, reaching out to take Jay’s hand, pulling him towards him. “Don’t see the problem.”

“The fact that you don’t see the problem with washing your towels with your underwear says a lot,” Jay deadpanned, but he allowed Adam to pull him in all the same, draping the blanket around his shoulders.

“And it had to be sorted now?” Adam asked, ignoring the way his stomach flipped with nerves at the idea of pushing too hard.

Jay sighed, lowering his gaze even as he huddled further into the blanket, into Adam’s arms, his warmth.  “I couldn’t sleep.”

Adam nodded. “I figured.”

“I know I’m not exactly the ideal boyfriend, but—“

“No,” Adam cut him off, pulling back just enough to look at him properly. “You’re perfect. You’re—“ he stopped himself with a small shake of his head. “Come back to bed.”

“I’ll just keep you awake.”

“I don’t mind,” Adam insisted, pulling Jay in against his chest. “You can talk to me, you know. Whatever’s going on inside your head, I’m willing to listen.”

Jay didn’t respond, and for a long time, they just stood there in each other's arms, the blanket falling off their shoulders, shrouded in the dim laundry light. Even though it was far from perfect, it somehow felt perfect all the same. It felt like this was exactly where he was meant to be.

“Back to bed,” Jay eventually said with a tired sigh, stepping back to take Adam’s hand in his.

They didn’t talk about whatever haunted Jay, whatever kept him up at night, but then Adam hadn’t expected them to, either. He just hoped it was enough that Jay knew he was there, knew he was willing to listen, even if he wasn’t ready to talk just yet.

Chapter Text

Adam was slow to collect his belongings and head to Molly's, but only because Jay was slower. He’d seemed slow all day when he hadn’t been chasing down their perp, an air of melancholy clinging to him like Adam had never seen before. He’d tried, briefly, to ask if Jay was okay, but their solitude in the break room had been short-lived, and it had been a busy day; a busy day that had lead to Adam finding the bodies of three children shoved in a garden shed like they were nothing.

He glanced over at Jay as he shrugged his coat on, noting the way his lips seemed to tug downward and his eyes seemed dull, and he couldn’t help but be glad that he’d made the discovery, that Jay had been elsewhere and hadn’t had to see that, because he didn’t need that in his head on top of whatever else he was dealing with.

It surprised him how willing he was to take any burden possible away from Jay. He’d take every burden if he could, lock it away where it couldn’t reach him, couldn’t hinder his happiness. He often found himself wondering what Jay was like before he went off to Afghanistan, before his mum died, when he was just a kid untainted by tragedy.

He often caught glimpses of the person Jay could be if he’d lived a safe and nurturing life when Jay’s face lit up with laughter, when he pressed sleepy kisses to Adam’s cheek in the morning followed by lazy smiles and promises of never leaving, when he sang to himself while cooking dinner, better than any meal Adam could ever cook. It was those moments he clung to, not because Jay was anything less than perfect otherwise, but because he wished, for Jay’s sake, that there were more of them.

Jay finally glanced up at him with a half-smile, shaking him from his thoughts.

“You coming, slowpoke?” He teased, hoping to lighten the mood for both of them.

Jay shook his head as he stood from his desk and made his way over to Adam, hands sliding under his coat to gently rest on his waist, something he would only dare do when he was sure they were alone.

“I was hoping we could just stay in?” Jay asked quietly, voice rough like he hadn’t used it all day. “Just the two of us, some greasy takeout, and a movie of your choice?”

“Of my choice?” Adam asked with a laugh, draping his arms over Jay’s shoulders. “What’s the occasion? It’s not my birthday, so—“

“You had a shit day,” Jay cut him off with a small sigh, not quite meeting his eyes as his thumbs began rubbing small, calming circles.

“Not as shit as you by the looks of things,” Adam said softly, realising Jay wasn’t in the mood for jokes.

Jay shook his head again. “I just wanna...be with you. Without any of the extra noise.”

“That’s okay,” Adam said softly, pulling Jay into a hug. “That’s more than okay.”

Jay relaxed into his hug, and Adam got the feeling he’d been holding onto that for a while, though for the life of him, he couldn’t work out why. He’d thought he’d made it very clear that every second he spent with Jay was to be cherished, though perhaps his fear of exposing just how deep his feelings went had forced him to hold back a little too much.

“I’m always up for that,” he added in a whisper, pressing a kiss to the top of Jay’s head. “Whatever you need, whenever you need it, you just let me know.”

Jay frowned, pulling back a little to study Adam’s face.

“What?” Adam asked with a laugh, leaning back a little further like that might give him some answers.

Jay shrugged, picking a piece of lint off of Adam’s coat, not quite meeting his eyes again. He looked like he wanted to say something, but whatever it was was forced away with a sigh as he took a step back to reach for his own coat. He didn’t say anything further, but he did reach for Adam’s hand, and it felt like, for the first time, he was being let in just a little bit instead of being shut out. His heart swelled as he glanced at Jay out of the corner of his eye, unable to quite believe that he could be so lucky as to have Jay in his life, and, more than that, that they’d reached ‘night in together’ status.

Chapter Text

Jay practically lived at Adam’s these days, and Adam didn’t want to question it just in case he took it as a sign of rejection, of Adam asking him to leave, to give him space. He figured it was for the company, more than anything else. Jay had once let slip that his apartment had felt too cold and empty ever since Erin left, and it had felt like too much of a punch in the gut for Adam to ever ask any questions, because, at the end of the day, Jay would always love Erin, would always miss Erin, would always want Erin, and though Adam knew he was just filler, just something to ease the loneliness and take the edge off, the reminder still hurt.

But with Jay being at Adam’s almost every night, they’d developed just as much of a nighttime routine as they had a morning routine. Well, as much of a routine as people with unpredictable hours could have.

Some nights Jay would have Adam pressed up against the door, hands at his buttons, mouth hot on his neck, leaving open-mouthed kisses as he undressed them. Sometimes the sex was quick, rough, something to take the edge off, sometimes because Jay needed it, sometimes because Adam needed it, and often because they both needed it.  Other times it was slow and drawn out, each taking the time to make sure the other felt good, felt everything they could possibly feel as they came undone.

Some nights they simply stumbled through the door, both too exhausted to do much more than undress and pass out under the covers, close but not touching, no matter how badly Adam wanted to.

Some nights they had a little more time. Time to eat, time to talk, time to brush their teeth and settle into bed together, holding each other.

But Adam’s favourite routine, one which they seldom managed, was on their days off, just like tonight.

Adam sat at the kitchen counter scrolling through Facebook and sipping a beer as he watched Jay cook, humming to himself, completely in his element.

“You ever think about becoming a chef?”

Jay snorted in response, shaking his head. “No. Dad wouldn’t approve.”

“I thought he didn’t approve of you becoming a cop,” Adam countered.

Jay shrugged with a sigh. “He didn’t approve of much, I guess.”

“I think he was just too stubborn to tell you he’s proud.”

Jay turned to Adam, soft, sad smile on his face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Adam said quietly, getting up from his stool to walk around the bench. “I’m proud of you, for what it’s worth.”

“Is that so?” Jay asked with a laugh, turning back to the stove top.

Adam hummed in response as he wound his arms around Jay’s middle, resting his chin on Jay’s shoulder. For a moment, they just stood there, swaying a little to an imaginary tune, the one Jay had been humming earlier.

“It’s almost ready,” he said quietly, barely above a whisper.

Reluctantly, Adam pulled back, reaching into the cupboard above his head for two bowls.

They made small talk over dinner, nothing serious, nothing noteworthy, but every moment of it felt special to Adam, and if the soft smile on Jay’s face was anything to go by, it was for him, too.

They settled on the lounge to watch a movie, but neither of them were really paying attention, both too busy stealing kisses like horny teenagers.

It was hard to pick a favourite part about nights like these, but he thought it might have been this. It wasn’t about the sex, although he couldn’t deny that part was great, too. It was the playfulness, the lightness, the way that all the darkness that clouded almost every other aspect of their lives, particularly where Jay was concerned, seemed to evaporate completely.

As Jay collapsed beside him, completely spent, sweat cooling on their bodies as their breaths evened out, Adam counted himself lucky to be a part of nights like this.

Chapter Text

It wasn’t like it was unusual for Jay to block him out when things got difficult, but they’d come so far that it was unusual for Jay to not at least let him be silent company in the next room just so he knew he was okay. He saw Jay at work, but it was clear he was struggling, clear his heart wasn’t in it and his mind was elsewhere, but he wouldn’t even look at Adam, let alone talk about it.  So when Jay didn’t show up for work, the first thing Adam did when he’d finished for the day was head to Jay’s house, heart practically lodged in his throat after a day of missed calls.

He was surprised when Jay answered after the first round of frantic knocking, looking a little worse for wear, blanket wrapped around his shoulders, but nowhere near as bad as all the images Adam had managed to conjure up in his mind.

“What?” Jay asked, voice a little raspy.

“What?” Adam parroted back, an odd sense of anger rising inside him, washing away the relief that he was trying to cling to. He didn’t want to be angry, he knew it wouldn’t help, but he’d spent the entire day imagining the worst because Jay couldn’t even take the time to answer with a simple ‘I’m okay’. “You ignore me for days, don’t show up at work when you’re clearly going through something, let me think the absolute worst, and all you can say is ‘what’?”

Jays expression softened a little at that, and he took a minute step back. “Sorry.”

“Can I at least come in?” Adam asked quietly, voice threatening to crack, ‘I miss you’ on the tip of his tongue. “Make you dinner?”

“Don’t have any food in,” Jay said with a shrug, but stepped aside to let him in.

He sighed, taking Jay’s hand in his. He was surprised when Jay squeezed back reassuringly, but he hid it with a smile, tugging Jay towards the bedroom.

“Come on. Get dressed. We’re going shopping.”

“No,” Jay said through a sigh, allowing Adam to tug him along. “I don’t want to.”

“Yeah? Well tough.”

“Adam—“

“This isn’t about what you want,” Adam said quietly, stopping at the foot of Jay’s bed. “It’s about what you need.”

Jay studied his face for a moment, biting his lip, looking increasingly like a small, uncertain child, but eventually, he nodded, letting the blanket drop to the floor in favour of finding some fresh clothes.

They were out the door a moment later, hand in hand as they walked to the grocery store down the road. Even though Jay seemed reluctant, it felt like progress.  Adam joked and teased as they shopped, enjoying every time Jay cracked even a hint of a smile, and by the end, shopping bags full of as many things they didn’t need as things they did, Jay was grinning, eyes bright like they hadn’t been in weeks, and Adam felt an affectionate warmth spread throughout him, replacing the cold dread that had slowly been eating him up the longer Jay pushed him away.

He wasn’t the best cook, but he was good enough to make them a simple bolognese, forgoing the formality of the dining table for the comfort of the lounge. Once they’d finished and the dishes had been washed, Jay curled up against him on the lounge, resting his head on Adam’s shoulder.

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

“What for?”

Jay swatted him lightly. “You know what for.”

“You’re welcome,” he whispered, wrapping an arm around Jay to pull him close. “I’ll never let you go through anything alone, even when you don’t want me.”

Jay was silent for a while, and it wasn’t until Adam felt a wetness on the collar of his shirt that he realised Jay was crying.

“Hey,” Adam whispered, stomach swooping, because he’d never seen Jay cry before and he wasn’t sure what triggered it. “Hey, it’s okay.”

Jay shook his head with a shaky breath, wiping his eyes before pressing his face into Adam’s shoulder. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. It’s okay.” After a beat, Adam cautiously added, “Did I do something wrong?”

“You’re too good,” Jay said, voice muffled by Adam’s shoulder. “I’ve been an ass and you’re here anyway, being unbearably kind, and I- I don’t deserve it.”

Adam frowned, shifting so he could lift Jay’s face to look him in the eye. “You do deserve it,” he said quietly, heart breaking for how much Jay seemed to believe what he’d said. “You deserve the world, Jay, even when you’re being an ass.”

Jay let out a wet laugh in response before swooping in to leave a clumsy kiss on Adam’s lips. After he broke contact, he pressed his face into the crook of Adam’s neck, breathing him in, slow and steady.

“Sorry,” Jay whispered as Adam’s hand settled on his back, rubbing gently.

“It’s okay,” Adam soothed. “I got you. No matter what, I got you.”

Chapter Text

“Wanna come for a run?”

The request was simple, and yet Adam’s heart seemed to stop for a moment before thundering back to life, painful but exhilarating as he tried to stop a grin from overtaking his face.

Jay’s morning runs were something he did alone, and Adam both knew and accepted that. Usually, Jay left while he was asleep and came back while he was in the shower, but this morning they’d shared lazy kisses in bed, hands roaming with no real intent, before Jay finally dragged himself up to dress.

Jay glanced up at Adam from where he was tying with laces, expecting an answer.

“Yeah,” Adam said quickly, throwing the blanket off in his haste to get ready. “Yes.”

Jay laughed, shaking his head as he lay back on the bed, watching Adam fumble to get dressed.

“There’s no rush, take your time,” he said quietly, propping his head up with a smirk.

For some reason, Adam felt a blush creeping up his neck, but he slowed down regardless to let Jay enjoy the view, something they rarely had time to do.

There was a softness to every move Jay made that morning, and as he took his hand at the front door, Adam found himself wishing every morning could be like this. He’d sacrifice the sleep for those extra moments together without hesitation.  The second they were out the front door, though, the softness was gone and Jay was off at a jog without warning, leaving Adam to catch up, stunned by the sudden change.

“You’ll have to keep up,” Jay said with a smirk, glancing at Adam out of the corner of his eye.

“I’m sure I can manage,” Adam laughed.

Once they reached the park, however, Jay took off at a full run, again without warning, and while Adam managed to keep pace for an entire lap, he found himself slowing down, lungs and legs burning, stitch forming in his side, hot and cold at the same time thanks to the sweat cooling across his skin.

By the end of lap three, Adam was sure his lungs were going to give up on him. He tried to let Jay know as he came to a stop, but he couldn’t seem to form the words, an odd sense of nausea forming at the back of his throat. He found a bench just in time, legs feeling like jelly, and he was suddenly glad he hadn’t been able to call out to Jay, because he really didn’t want Jay to see him like this, wheezing and shaking, unable to keep up with something Jay obviously found so easy.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d sat there for, swallowing back the tightness in his throat, trying to regulate his breathing again, when a shadow was cast over him, blocking out the sunlight filtering through his eyelids.

“Adam?” Jay asked softly, settling down beside him.

Adam groaned in response, mostly from shame, but a little because, even after a break, he wasn’t sure he could muster much else.

“Why didn’t you say something?”

Adam waved a hand in Jay’s direction, swallowing hard again before taking a deep breath. “You told me I had to keep up.”

“I would have stopped for you,” Jay said quietly, voice dripping with concern. “I didn’t realise you were—“

“Unfit,” Adam snapped, finishing Jay’s sentence before he could. “You don’t have to say it.”

“I was gonna say struggling,” Jay said quietly, giving Adam’s shoulder a small squeeze.

“Wouldn’t be struggling it I wasn’t unfit,” Adam muttered, turning his face away.

“Adam,” Jay started with an exasperated half-sigh, half-laugh, “I do this run every day. I started small and worked my way up. If you’d said—“

“I tried,” Adam admitted, squinting against the sun as he turned to look at Jay. “Couldn’t speak.”

For a moment, Jay’s face was expressionless, but then he burst out laughing, still gripping Adam’s shoulder as he leaned in.

“Shut up,” Adam muttered, but he couldn’t help the smile tugging at his lips despite his annoyance.

“Sorry,” Jay wheezed, trying to compose himself. “Sorry, but honestly, you’re an idiot.”

“You invited me.” Adam shrugged, lowering his gaze to his feet. “I didn’t wanna let you down.”

“Adam,” Jay said softly, taking his hand. “You could never let me down. Not over this.”

“But you invited me,” Adam repeated with a sigh.

“And I’ll keep inviting you, if you want. Bring you up to my pace.”

A warmth blossomed in Adam’s chest, pushing away the persistent tightness in his lungs, and he turned to Jay with a smile.  “Willing to put up with my unfit ass?”

“I happen to love your unfit ass,” Jay said with a smirk.

For the second time that morning, it felt as though Adam’s heart stopped. But then Jay was dragging him up off the bench, hands firm on his ass as he pulled him in for a kiss, squeezing suggestively, and he had to remind himself to breathe again, because as much as it sounded so close to a love declaration, he knew it was just Jay being Jay, lightening the mood with something sultry.

“Oh yeah?” He teased back, pulling out of Jay’s grip. “Gonna have to catch me then.”

Without warning, he took off at a run back in the direction of his apartment, ignoring the way his legs and lungs seemed to protest. It was worth it for the laughter he heard behind him and the way Jay’s arm came around his shoulders, slowing him down to a walk at the edge of the park.

All of it was worth it, Adam thought, just for more of these moments.

Chapter Text

It had only been a few weeks, but to Adam, it felt like a lifetime. When he agreed to go undercover, he hadn’t thought it would end up taking so long. He also hadn’t thought he’d miss Jay quite as much as he had. He’d tried not to, he really had, but that longing got under his skin, settled in his bones, clung to him like a disease he couldn’t shake. That longing terrified him, because it was a taste of what things would be like when Jay moved on, when he grew tired of Adam, when he found someone else and fell properly in love the way he deserved. It was a taste of things to come, and it was bitter in the back of his throat.

He’d been torn between heading straight to Jay’s the moment he got back and putting some obviously needed space between them to break that dependency he’d clearly formed, but his heart won out, and he was at Jay’s doorstep before he’d even thought much of it, as though it was instinct, even though they’d rarely spent any time there.

He held his breath as he heard Jay shuffling on the other side, and in the small time it took for Jay to get to the door, unlatch it and open it, Adam had conjured up all kinds of images of Jay in a state of half-dress, someone else in the apartment filling up the space Adam had filled before them.

When the door opened, however, Jay was standing there in sweat pants and an old, very familiar looking t-shirt. The sight of him filled Adam with a warmth he hadn’t been expecting, chasing away all that dread and anxiety he’d been clinging to all that time, and when Jay broke out in a smile, he thought his heart might burst.

“Voight didn’t tell me you’d be back today,” Jay said quietly, a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

“It just...happened.” Adam matched his volume, though he wasn’t sure why they were talking so quietly.

He couldn’t take his eyes off Jay’s shirt, which wasn’t Jay’s shirt at all. It was Adam’s, and he couldn’t help but wonder how Jay had ended up with it. Not that he minded. He looked good in it, better than Adam ever had, and though it was likely unintentional, it made Adam feel warm and fuzzy, like he was really coming home.

Jay glanced down, distracted by Adam’s staring, and his cheeks tinged pink when he realised what he was wearing. The smile had gone from his face when he looked back up at Adam, and he shifted uncomfortably.

“I missed you,” Jay said with a shrug, like it meant nothing, but Adam couldn’t help the grin breaking out across his face.

“I missed you too.”

Before Jay could react, Adam was pulling him into a hug, bone-crushingly tight, ignoring the way it aggravated every minor injury he’d sustained that night. It was only when Jay shifted his grip, finger digging into a freshly covered cut, that he winced.

Jay let go with a frown, taking a step back. “Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine.”

“What happened?”

Adam shook his head, taking Jay’s hand in his. “I’m fine. I’ve been checked over. I’m okay. Just a few scrapes and bruises.”

“They hurt you?”

“A little,” Adam said with a shrug, giving Jay’s hand a squeeze. “But it’s what resulted in an arrest and allowed me to come home.”

The ‘to you’ went unsaid because he was still too scared to say things like that, too scared to let Jay know exactly how he felt, but Jay smiled at him all the same, almost like he understood, and tugged Adam inside.

It felt different, somehow, falling into bed together after time apart, but Adam couldn’t shake the rightness of it, the way it felt as though he belonged here with Jay, as though nothing else really mattered but this moment, here and now, wrapped in each other's arms.

It had only been a few weeks, but to Adam, it felt like he’d finally come home.

Chapter Text

Adam had been feeling increasingly unwell ever since lunch, his stomach churning every so often, contents seeming to slosh with every movement. But he worked through it, he kept telling himself he’d be fine, that he’d make it through the day, that all he needed to do was go home and sleep off whatever it was he’d eaten that hadn’t agreed with him.

And he’d almost made it. Almost. But as they were driving home, his nausea peaked, mouth filling with bitter saliva almost faster than he could swallow.

“Pull over,” he practically shouted, and Jay obeyed without question, swerving into a loading zone just in time for Adam to swing his door open and heave onto the pavement.

He cringed as Jay’s hand settled on his back, rubbing soothingly as he coughed and spluttered. For a moment, he thought he was done, but his stomach lurched again, and he instinctively swallowed against it.

“Just let it out, man,” Jay said quietly, reaching around to unbuckle Adam’s seatbelt for him.

Adam wanted to tell him he was fine, but instead, he pitched forward with a violent heave, bracing himself against the car door as he emptied the contents of his stomach into the gutter. He tried to breathe slow and steady, but every breath shook, nausea still crawling up his throat. He coughed roughly, which only made him heave again, though this time nothing came up.

He wiped at his mouth as he glanced up, and subsequently felt a flood of embarrassment when he realised he had an audience.

“You good?” Jay asked as he sat back in his seat.

Adam shook his head then shrugged, closing the car door anyway as he sunk down in his seat. He wasn’t sure how he felt, but he knew he wanted to be away from prying eyes.

“Just drive,” he muttered, folding his arms across his chest.

Jay obeyed again without question, eyeing Adam warily out of the corner of his eye.

His stomach seemed to settle after that, and by the time they got home he felt mostly fine, just tired from being sick.

“How you feeling?” Jay asked cautiously once they were inside.

Adam shrugged. “Fine. Tired. I dunno, must’ve just been something I ate.”

Jay nodded, offering a sympathetic smile. “You want dinner?”

“I dunno,” Adam said through a sigh, landing heavily on the lounge. “I guess.”

They ordered food and ate together, and Adam felt okay, so he figured his body had purged whatever it needed to purge and that was the end of it. But he was wrong.

Adam woke in the middle of the night coated in sweat, stomach churning uncomfortably. He tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but the longer he stayed there, the worse he felt. Once he felt that first rush of saliva in his mouth, he carefully hauled himself out of bed, swallowing hard as the room spun around him, and made his way to the bathroom.

His stomach lurched the moment he was in front of the toilet, but nothing came up. He hovered above the bowl, spitting the excess saliva in favour of swallowing, but after what felt like ages, nothing had happened. With a heavy sigh, he sat with his back against the wall beside the toilet, swallowing convulsively against the tightness in his throat.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, hovering over the toilet every so often only for nothing to happen, before Jay appeared in the doorway.

“You okay?”

Adam shrugged in response, not quite trusting himself to speak. He was shaking all over, hot and cold at the same time, shirt soaked through with sweat, and as nice as it was that Jay cared, he didn’t want anyone to see him like this. But Jay came and sat beside him anyway, knees brought up to his chest as he placed his hand on the back of Adam’s neck. Despite not wanting an audience, he couldn’t help but lean into the contact which was both soothing and cool against his skin.

“Shit, Adam, you’re burning up.”

Adam grunted in response, leaning a little further into Jay’s space, letting his eyelids fall shut. If it weren’t for the constant squirming inside his stomach and the tremors running through his body, he was sure he’d be able to fall asleep like this.

“You wanna come back to bed?” Jay asked, as though reading his thoughts.

Adam groaned, shaking his head before burying his face into the crook of Jay’s neck.

“Have you been sick?” Adam shook his head again. “Then come back to bed.”

Reluctantly, he sat back, allowing Jay to stand up and offer him a hand. It felt like far too much effort to stand, even with Jay’s help, and once he was upright, the room wouldn’t stop spinning, stomach churning with it. He barely had time to pull away from Jay’s grip and lean over the toilet before his stomach was forcing its way up his throat, sickening chunks of half-digested food hitting the water. The sight and smell had him going again before he could catch his breath, and he sunk to his knees, gripping the bowl as he heaved over and over until he was bringing up nothing but frothy bile.

He didn’t even notice Jay’s hand rubbing soothing circles on his back until he reached up to flush the toilet, and he cringed, horrified that someone had witnessed that.

“You don’t have to stay,” he croaked out, voice hoarse from the effort.

“Don’t be an idiot,” Jay said with a small laugh. “You’re not well. I’m not just gonna leave you to suffer alone.”

That familiar warmth that only Jay could bring flooded through him again, but the feeling was short-lived, his stomach lurching again, forcing him into a fresh round of mostly dry-heaves, bringing up the odd mouthful of bile.

It felt like hours that they stayed on the bathroom floor, Adam trembling all over, dry heaving on occasion, while Jay tried to soothe him. Eventually, his stomach calmed down, and as he relaxed back into Jay’s hold, sleep threatened to take him instantly.

“Not here,” Jay said softly, sweeping Adam’s sweat-slicked hair back from his forehead. “Let me run you a bath, and then we’ll go to bed.”

Adam groaned in response, not wanting to move, but he knew he needed a bath. His entire body was coated in sweat, clothes sticking to him like a second skin, and his limbs were aching. A bath would help, but he wanted to sleep more.

It seemed like only a second between Jay mentioning a bath to him helping Adam into one, but he didn’t question the time jump. It was hard not to drift off with Jay’s fingers gently working through his hair, and before he knew it he was dry and dressed and back in bed, tucked against Jay’s side with a bucket beside him, just in case.

“You’re okay,” Jay whispered before pressing a kiss into his hair. “You’re gonna be okay. It’ll pass.”

Adam knew he’d imagined the hushed ‘I love you,‘ that followed, but he let it lull him to sleep nonetheless.

Chapter Text

Adam was grateful, perhaps for the first time ever, that Voight was so perceptive. With Jay locked in a windowless room with an angry, grieving man with a gun, Adam could barely breathe, let alone think, and despite how badly he wanted to help, he was grateful that Voight had sat him down, still in the line of sight but away from the rest of the team.

He raked a shaky hand through his hair, trying to take a measured breath with Voight’s hand on his shoulder, but the harder he tried to calm himself down, the closer he felt to tears. All he could picture was them dragging Jay’s body out on a stretcher, covered only by a blood-soaked sheet. 

He’d felt panic like this, sure. Any time anyone he cared about was in danger, he felt this. But he’d never had to sit for four hours knowing the person he loved most in the world had a gun aimed at their head while he was powerless to help. There was no adrenaline to drive him through the situation, there was no reprieve from the vice grip on his chest, there was just waiting, fear churning in his stomach, chest aching with the need to breathe, to relax.

He jumped when the door burst open, standing so fast his vision swam for a second, but his eyes locked on Jay in an instant, hands raised defensively.

“Don’t shoot!” Jay called, inching forward, instinctively leaning away from the gun pressed to the back of his skull. “He’s cooperating!”

Voight’s hand gripped his shoulder harder, keeping him firmly in place when all he wanted to do was run to Jay. He’d thought being able to see what was happening would help, but now all he could see were the multitude of ways this could go wrong right in front of his eyes.

He watched as Jay had a muted conversation with the man, as the gun was lowered and the man stepped forward. When he was in front of Jay, he raised one hand, the other passing the gun back to Jay, but that didn’t seem to matter. It was over in an instant, Jay’s face covered with blood as the man fell to the ground, dead before he even hit the ground.

Jay was shouting something about surrendering, but the words didn’t register. Hank’s grip had gone, followed by a light tap on his back, and he was running to Jay before anyone else could stop him.

He didn’t wrap Jay in his arms like he wanted to. He knew he couldn’t, not in public. He just needed to see up-close that Jay was okay, that he wasn’t hurt, that the blood covering him wasn’t any of his own.

Adam stayed close while paramedics checked Jay over, while statements were taken and blood was wiped carelessly from his face. He stayed by Jay’s side, silent as they went through the motions, following procedure to a T.

They were silent as they left the hospital, silent as they passed Voight with an understanding nod, silent as they drove home, and silent as they entered Adam’s apartment.

There was an odd tension between them, like electricity vibrating in the space between their bodies, and Adam wasn’t sure what to make of it. Jay seemed to stand in the middle of the room, hand flexing, at a loss of what to do, and for some reason that spurred Adam into action. Without even thinking, he surged forward, pulling Jay into a bone-crushing hug, one with Jay returned fiercely, face pressed into the crook of Adam’s neck.

“I thought I’d lost you,” Adam whispered, voice cracking.

“I thought so too,” Jay admitted with a wet laugh, squeezing a little tighter.

Adam moved to press a kiss to the side of Jay’s head, but stopped, body tensing, when he saw the blood still caked into Jay’s hair. He pulled back, eyes tracking the flecks of it on his ears, down his neck where they’d failed to wipe it away, all the way down to his shirt, the collar seeming drenched in it. He swallowed hard as he took Jay’s hand in his, wordlessly leading him to the bathroom. He took his time undressing Jay with shaking hands as the bath ran, and again, neither of them spoke.

Adam’s actions were delicate in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever been before, like he was touching porcelain and not another human being. He took extra care running his fingers through Jay’s hair, working out the blood slowly, making sure not to miss any. It was only when he moved to rinse Jay’s hair that he noticed the tremor in his shoulders and the way his eyes were squeezed shut, body tense.

He hesitated for a moment before continuing, deciding it was best to get him cleaned up and out of the pink-tinged water sooner rather than later.

Jay shook as Adam towelled him down, silent tears streaming down his face, and Adam pulled him into a hug then, fingers threading into his damp hair as Jay sobbed openly against him, clinging to him like his life depended on it.

“He was surrendering,” Jay whispered shakily once they were in bed, wrapped in each other's arms, Adam’s fingers threading through his hair repeatedly, fingertips grazing his scalp. “They didn’t have to shoot.”

“He had a gun to your head,” Adam countered, stomach swooping when Jay winced.

“Not when they shot him.”

“For over four hours,” Adam insisted, chest growing tight again just at the thought.

“He didn’t need to die.”

Adam nodded. He wasn’t entirely sure he agreed, but he knew that’s the part that was going to haunt him. It wouldn’t be the gun to his head or the fear for his life that played over and over in Jay's dreams. It would be the stench of blood, the taste of it on his teeth, the image of a body falling to the ground in front of him, another life he failed to save, that would have him waking up in the middle of the night, sweat soaking his shirt, bile at the back of his throat.

Adam had only learned recently that it was less about what Jay had been through and more about what he’d seen, who he’d hurt, who he’d failed to save, and it baffled him that he could blame himself for so much that was out of his control, could feel guilt for actions he had no control over, orders he had to follow. But he also knew he’d never understand, not really, not without living through it himself. In a way, he supposed this was the same.

“It’s not your fault,” Adam whispered, pulling Jay in a little closer. “You did everything right. You did everything you could.”

“And he still died.”

Adam’s mind screamed at him that Jay could have died. The words were on the tip of his tongue, heart pounding against his ribs at the thought, but he pushed them away. He knew there was nothing he could say to make this easier, so he kept his mouth shut, continuing to run his fingers through Jay’s hair long after his breathing had evened out.

Chapter Text

“Hey,” Adam breathed out as Jay stood to greet him with a hug. “Sorry I’m late.”

Jay shrugged, sitting back down. “I get it, duty calls.”

Adam ignored the bitterness in Jay’s tone, because he knew it wasn’t directed at him, really. After the hostage situation, he’d been forced to take a week off work. Adam had hoped to be able to take some of that time off with him, but an hour into their first day off together Voight called him in, apologetic but firm, because they’d caught a big case and they needed all hands on deck to make up for Jay not being there.

“Sorry,” Adam repeated anyway, offering a smile.

“I ordered for you,” Jay said quietly, picking at the napkin in front of him. “Hope you don’t mind.”

“You know my order?” Adam asked, taking a seat.

Jay laughed at that, looking at Adam as though he was quite possibly the dumbest person he’d ever seen. “Of course I know your order. We’ve known each other for over six years. I know what food you like from where, and I definitely know how you like your coffee when we’re out.”

Adam didn’t know why that, of all things, set off that familiar warmth in his chest again, had his ears turning pink as a smile tugged at his lips. It was such a simple thing, but it also meant Jay paid attention, that he cared enough to pay attention. At least, that’s the thought that Adam wanted to cling to.

“What,” Jay asked with a puzzled grin, like he wasn’t sure if he should be smiling too.

“Nothing,” Adam said quickly, leaning in a little closer, craving a level of intimacy that the cafe didn’t provide so he could touch Jay’s hand without the fear of being seen.

“Well?” Jay asked after a beat, sitting back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. “You gonna catch me up?”

“Jay—“ 

Adam’s hesitant warning was cut off by an instant, “Don’t give me any of that crap about protecting me, or being worried about me, or,” he paused to mime air quotes, “letting me heal. Tell me. Let me help. I’m going out of my mind sitting at home doing nothing.”

“You could watch a movie,” Adam quipped, stifling a laugh when Jay shot him a glare. “Sorry, sorry, it’s just…” He trailed off with a sigh, averting his gaze. “I just wanna have a coffee with you, share a meal, because it feels like I haven’t seen you at all since it happened and…” he trailed off again with a shrug, still not meeting Jay’s gaze.

“Okay,” Jay said softly, reaching across the table to take Adam’s hand in his briefly before drawing back again. “Okay. No work talk.”

As their coffees were set down in front of them, Adam shot Jay an appreciative smile. They hadn’t talked about it, not really, but Adam knew Jay understood how shaken he’d been by the whole thing as a powerless bystander, and he appreciated the fact that they didn’t have to talk about it for Jay to understand. He just instinctively knew, at this point, what Adam was feeling.

As he watched Jay down a large mouthful of coffee, wincing at the burn, he felt grateful, not for the first time that week, that Jay had made it out alive, that they were here together, that they had each other.

Chapter Text

It was so easy for Adam to get lost in the moment, to get lost in watching Jay cook. Watching him cook, humming to himself, face relaxed, was one of his favourite pastimes. So it was very easy for Adam to forget that he was supposed to be chopping vegetables and paying attention as Jay explained how the different spices work together.

“If you’re not enjoying this I can finish,” Jay said, the dejected sound of his voice cutting through everything else.

“What?” Adam asked quickly, straightening up. “No, I am enjoying this.”

Too much, he thought to himself, but Jay didn’t look convinced.

“You keep...I dunno,” Jay said with a slight shrug, turning back to the meat he was browning. “Spacing out. Like you’d rather be somewhere else.”

Adam felt the tips of his ears burn hot as he set the knife down and moved closer to Jay. He ignored his embarrassment in favour of wrapping his arms around Jay’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, leaving a light kiss on the side of Jay’s face. “I just enjoy watching you so much I got...lost in the moment.”

Jay frowned, twisting in Adam’s arms to look at him. After studying his face for a moment, Jay broke out in a shy grin, ducking his head.

“You like watching me that much?” Adam hummed in response. “Why?”

Adam scoffed, pulling back a little as he felt his face heat up. “Seriously?”

Jay nodded, reaching forward to take Adam’s hands in his. He opened his mouth to speak, but Adam cut him off, nodding towards the frying pan.

“Your meat’s gonna burn.”

“Shit,” Jay hissed, whipping around to pull the pan off the heat. For a moment, he stood there with his back to Adam, completely still aside from his breathing, but eventually, he turned back around, looking uncertain. “Why do you like watching me cook?”

Adam sighed, trying to form everything he felt watching Jay into words. “You look happy,” he settled on. “Relaxed. Peaceful. You almost never look like that.”

“You make me happy,” Jay said quietly, still uncertain, like he was afraid of rejection.

And for some reason, Adam responded with, “I’m sure I’d make you happier if I actually learned how to cook more than just pasta.”

He cringed internally as Jay frowned before turning back to the stovetop.

“You can start by finishing slicing those mushrooms.”

Adam sighed at Jay’s clipped tone, but didn’t comment further, setting to work on finishing his job silently. Still, after a few moments of tense silence, Jay started humming again, shooting Adam a soft smile, and Adam felt himself relax again.

Chapter Text

They’d joked over dinner, a lightness settling over them that only seemed to be there when Jay had the time to cook. It was easy, nice, comfortable, and yet Adam couldn’t stop that voice in the back of his head that told him he’d messed up, that he’d hurt Jay’s feelings by trying to protect his own.

They fell into their routine of Jay washing while Adam dried. He couldn’t quite tell if the tension he felt between them was real or imagined, but after a while, he couldn’t take it anymore.

It wasn’t unusual for him to stop what he was doing to wrap his arms around Jay’s middle from behind, chin resting on his shoulder. He couldn’t quite resist, considering their height difference was perfect for it. But this time, he pressed his face into Jay’s shoulder, sucking in a deep breath as his heart sped up.

“What?” Jay asked, instantly tensing, ever-perceptive. “What’s wrong?”

“You make me happy too,” Adam said quietly, heart threatening to burst from his ribs. “So much happier than I could have ever anticipated.”

Jay didn’t say anything, and the longer the silence dragged on, the more sure Adam was that it might actually kill him, but eventually he turned, forcing Adam to lift his head.

“You say it like it’s a bad thing,” Jay said softly.

Adam huffed a laugh, ducking his head. It wasn’t a bad thing, not really, but admitting it felt too close to admitting the truth, and he wasn’t sure either of them could handle that. It was a great thing, really, until he thought about it too much.

“Hey,” Jay whispered, tilting Adam’s chin up. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Adam said with a small shake of his head, offering Jay a wide smile.

Jay opened his mouth to say something, but Adam cut him off by capturing his lips in a searing kiss, pressing him back against the bench. He didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now, and not ever, if he could avoid it. Sometimes he thought that maybe Jay felt the same, but there were moments when he could tell just how hung up on Erin he still was, and not knowing seemed better, somehow. It almost felt like, at this point, if he knew for sure that Jay didn’t feel as strongly as he did, he couldn’t keep going with this. He couldn’t keep seeking this warmth and this comfort. So not knowing was better.

He ground down against Jay, delighted when Jay moaned into his mouth, pulling him in closer, clearly ready to leave the conversation behind in favour of this.

This wasn’t unusual, either. It was far too easy to distract Jay from housework with sex, and most nights turned to this, Adam doing his best to drive Jay mad against the kitchen bench.

“Fuck,” Jay said through a breathy moan as Adam moved down his neck, leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses as he cupped him through his pants.

“Yeah?” Adam asked, cock twitching in his own pants at the breathy sounds Jay was already giving him, half-hard and already desperate, conversation long forgotten.

It didn’t matter, he told himself as he lifted Jay up onto the counter with practiced ease. None of it mattered when he could make Jay feel like this, when Jay could make him feel like this. Nothing else mattered when they were together, and he aimed to keep it that way.

Chapter Text

It felt like it had been heavy case after heavy case, and the more the team seemed to carry on without a problem, the more Adam felt weighed down by it all. He never thought his desire to be a cop would ever disappear, but each morning as he dragged himself out of bed, the images of dead children, of innocent gunshot victims caught in the crossfire, of grieving parents, siblings, partners, all flashed behind his eyelids. Each morning he found himself wanting to be there less and less because all he could do when he looked up at the board, or through the pile on his desk, was wonder what horrific thing he might see that day.

He could feel Jay watching him, he was sure of it. There was a tension between them that hadn’t been there since the early days. Sometimes he thought Jay was going to say something, but he always managed to cut him off with a smile and a quick kiss. He knew he should probably talk about it, should probably open up in the way that Jay was slowly learning to open up with him, but every time the words were on the tip of his tongue, a surge of anxiety cut them off and pushed them back down, because if he voiced what he was feeling he was sure that would make it too real, too much, and there would be no turning back.

It was almost a relief when he and Jay were sent to stake out a known drug house to note down their comings and goings. It was easy work, comfortable work, work that gave him a reprieve from the constant stench of death. But fate had other ideas, apparently.

It was the scream that came first, distant but unmistakable, and Adam felt a genuine surge of nausea, stomach twisting as he looked at Jay.

“Just wait,” he said quietly, placing a hand on Adam’s arm.

But then there was another muffled scream, followed by a bang, and Adam shook Jay off, reaching for his door handle.

“Don’t tell me to wait,” he hissed, but Jay was already reaching for his own door, hand on his holster.

“I’ll take the front, you go ‘round back,” Jay said quietly, and Adam gave him a small nod.

He watched as Jay straightened up and sauntered forward with an air of well-practiced confidence before he slipped around past the cars in the driveway towards the back of the property. He listened for Jay’s knock, then the muffled voices at the front of the house before he tried the back door.

He crouched down, waiting for Jay’s signal, but then came two gunshots in quick succession, one from near him and one from the front of the house, and he moved before he could think. He felt a surge of relief when it was Jay who came towards him down the hall, and he gave him a quick nod before heading straight for the basement to his left, gun raised, Jay hot on his tail.

The silent countdown felt too slow, too time-consuming, but he knew it was necessary, knew they needed to be on the same page without words.

When they burst through the door, he was sure his heart stopped. He froze completely as his eyes settled on the body of a young girl no older than six, struggling for breath, far too much blood soaking up her little dress.

“You help her, I’ve got the perp,” Jay said against his ear, and it was only then that he realised their perp had climbed through the small window and was already taking off.

Adam nodded, rushing forward, heart in his throat as he took his shirt off to bundle it against the gunshot wound as Jay ran back up the stairs, shouting for a bus and backup into his radio.

“Hey,” he whispered, tucking her hair behind her ear as she whimpered beneath him. “I’ve got you, you’re gonna be okay.”

He was sure he felt his heart break as her tiny hand came around his wrist, grip weak, eyes pleading. She looked so scared and so small and he knew, even as he pressed as hard as he dared, that they’d lost her. Still, he kept up his words of comfort, hushed and soft and quiet long after her hand had fallen from his as he waited for the paramedics to arrive.

Something inside him cracked as they took her away on the stretcher covered by a sheet far bigger than her, and his back collided against the wall with a thud, tears clouding his vision.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before a hand settled on his shoulder, and he sucked in a shuddering breath, lifting his head to look at Jay.

“Come on,” Jay whispered, giving Adam’s shoulder a squeeze.

“I can’t,” he croaked out, leaning into Jay’s space, suddenly too tired to even care what kind of weakness he showed.

Jay nodded, pulling Adam into a hug, and Adam hugged back fiercely, pressing his face into the crook of his neck with a shuddering sob, and it felt as though once he’d started, he couldn’t stop, body shaking with heaving sobs while Jay held him firm and close, one hand rubbing his back, the other cradling his head.

The journey home was a blur, and he wasn’t entirely sure how he’d gone from being in that basement soaked in a little girls blood to being in his bath with Jay settled behind him, arms around his middle, holding him close.

“I’m sorry,” Adam muttered, shifting in Jay’s arms so he could tilt his head upwards.

“For what?”

Adam didn’t know how to put into words that he felt like a failure for being so affected and so worn down by things his colleagues seemed to take in their stride and accept as part of the job. He didn’t know how to explain how ridiculous he felt for breaking over something they dealt with on a regular basis. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, preparing to give some kind of answer, but instead his breath shook, sob catching in his throat, and he gave up, opting to press his face into Jay’s arm instead.

“It’s okay,” Jay whispered, trailing his fingertips up and down Adam’s arms lightly. “You don’t always have to be unshakable.”

“Everyone else is.”

“You’ve seen me break more times than I can count,” Jay said softly. “You’re allowed to come to me, too.”

Adam nodded, not quite knowing what to say to that. After a while, he let Jay ease him out of the bath and towel him down before crawling into bed together, curled around each other as though it could fix everything.

And it couldn’t, not really, but it eased the knot in his chest, made him feel safe and secure and loved in a way he couldn’t quite explain, in a way he’d never felt before, so he allowed himself to lean into that feeling, let it wash away everything else until there was nothing left but him and Jay and this one, single moment.

Chapter Text

Adam knew it wasn’t really that big of a deal, but when Jay had suggested he come to Will’s house with him to watch a game, it had felt like a big step forward.

“Does he know...about us? About you?” Adam asked with a frown, uncertain despite the invitation.

“Of course,” Jay scoffed. “Why wouldn’t he?”

Adam shrugged, feeling his face heat up, though he wasn’t sure why. “I dunno, Catholic family and all that.”

“Will’s gay,” Jay said with a small laugh, patting Adam’s shoulder. “We just never told dad.”

For some reason, that didn’t make Adam any less nervous. He’d never really talked about his relationship with Jay to anyone other than Hailey, and even that was only recent. And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it was simply that he was so used to keeping it secret at work, and he didn’t really have anyone outside of work that he was close to anymore.

But Jay had Will, and he wanted them to spend time together as a couple with Will. It was terrifying and thrilling all at once in a way that reminded him of meeting his girlfriend or boyfriend’s parents as a kid, all nervous energy swirling in the pit of his stomach, desperately hoping they like him.

“Relax,” Jay said with a fond smile as they pulled up outside of Will’s apartment. “You’ve met Will before. He likes you. It’s not a big deal.”

“I know,” Adam said with a shrug, trying to hide his nerves behind a grin, but, judging by the way Jay took his hand, giving it a small squeeze, he could see right through him.

It was easy enough to relax into Will’s couch with Jay’s thigh pressed against his, a beer in his hand. It was easy to smile at Will, to settle into the game, to forget that he’d even been nervous in the first place. They hadn’t spent much time together, really, but Adam had always liked Will, even before he was dating Jay. He was easy to get along with, all smiles and casual banter.

But then Jay got up to use the bathroom, and Will settled beside him, body angled towards him, and Adam’s stomach swooped.

“Listen,” Will said in a low voice, leaning in just a little bit further. “I’m pretty sure this goes without saying, but I’m gonna say it anyway. You hurt him, and I’ll hurt you. And don’t think I don’t mean that. He’s been hurt enough.”

Adam laughed. He didn’t quite mean to, but it slipped out nonetheless, face heating up under Will’s scrutiny. “It's more likely to be the other way aroud.”

Will tilted his head, studying Adam for a moment, brow creasing together in confusion. Adam shifted under his gaze, suddenly feeling far too hot, that nervousness he’d been feeling before swirling in his stomach again.

“I see the way he looks at you,” Will eventually said, sitting back a little at the sound of the toilet flushing. “I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that.”

Adam didn’t have time to question that or ask for clarification before Will was shifting back across the lounge, allowing room for Jay to easily slot back in between them, but he gave him a small nod, an assurance that he’d taken Will seriously, that he had no plans to hurt Jay even though he was sure Jay would be the one to hurt him.

Jay’s face lit up with a smile as he sat back down, leaning in to press a quick kiss to Adam’s lips, and Adam’s stomach swooped, heart filling up, because he’d never really taken notice before, but that smile...there was something there he’d never allowed himself to consider before, something far more tender than he’d ever thought possible.

As Jay leaned forward to grab another slice of pizza, Adam made eye contact with Will behind his back, giving him another small nod of understanding.

He couldn’t quite wipe the smile from his face for the rest of the night, and he was sure that all-encompassing warmth he felt at the thought that they might actually be on the same page would stay with him for weeks.

Chapter Text

Chicago looked beautiful from up so high, he had to admit. But Jay looked more beautiful, smile wide, the gradually setting sun lighting up his face in the most incredible way. He couldn’t take his eyes off Jay, couldn’t quite believe he could be so lucky as to experience this moment with him, to experience any moment with him, really.

His heart swelled, full to the brim, as Jay turned to him, absolutely beaming, the happiest Adam was sure he’d ever seen him. 

“It’s breathtaking,” Jay whispered, sounding absolutely in awe, and Adam got it, he did, because that’s exactly how he felt about Jay.

“It is,” he agreed softly, casting his eyes over their view once more, still wary of being caught staring, admiring, even though he was sure now that Jay felt the same as he did.

And it was. He couldn’t deny that. Seeing the world from up so high, wind whipping past his face and numbing his nose, was one of the best experiences of his life.

The warmth of Jay’s shoulder pressed against his was the only thing keeping him grounded, the only thing keeping him from getting lost inside his head, inside all his what if’s and fears and neurosis when it came to his relationship with Jay. After a moment, he shifted so he was behind Jay, wrapping his arms around his middle so he could rest his chin on Jay’s shoulder, like he often did at home. It felt right, being here, Jay in his arms, squinting against the setting sun. For the first time in far too long he felt content, at peace, like he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

“Thank you,” Jay said softly, shifting so he could press a kiss to Adam’s chin.

“It was your idea,” Adam said with a shrug, nuzzling his face into Jay’s cheek.

“Yeah, but you booked it. You did this. This was just...one of those things I wanted to do but would never actually get around to doing, and you made it happen.”

“I like making you happy,” Adam said quietly, letting his eyes fall shut as he pressed a kiss to Jay’s cheek. “It makes me happy knowing you’re happy.”

“You don’t have to spend $500 to make me happy,” Jay said with a laugh, twisting in his arms so they were face to face. “You make me happy just by being here.”

Adam hummed in response, pressing his forehead to Jay’s, suddenly far too overcome with emotion for much else. He’d spent the past few weeks drowning in work, lost inside his own head, burying himself into Jay at night to wash everything else away, and suddenly he felt lighter than he’d ever thought possible, and that was all Jay, and the lump in his throat only grew the more he tried to force it away.

“Are you happy?” Jay asked with a slight frown, tilting his head to the side. He cupped Adam’s jaw, thumb brushing across his lips so tenderly that Adam’s breath shook.

“Yes,” he whispered, voice threatening to break. “More than I ever thought possible.”

Jay huffed a soft laugh before leaning in to press his lips to Adam’s, soft and sweet and undemanding as his arms wound around Adam’s back. He pressed his face into the crook of Jay’s neck, breathing him in, enjoying the instant calm that washed over him.

“You’re missing the view,” Adam said quietly as he pulled back, giving Jay just enough room to turn back around, if he wanted.

For a moment, Jay looked like he was going to say something, but instead, he pressed another quick kiss to Adam’s lips before turning again, leaning back into Adam’s arms with a contented sigh.

Chapter Text

Good Morning Kisses

Adam sighed, burying his face into the pillow and away from the light seeping through the gap in his blinds. All he wanted was for sleep to take him again, for everything else to fade away to nothing, but then he felt Jay shift beside him, tentative as he leaned into Adam’s space.

Adam lifted his head, and before he could get a single word out, Jay’s lips were on his, soft and lazy and warm, and every little piece of bitterness Adam felt about being awake slowly melted away until all he felt was warmth and affection.

“Good morning,” Adam said with a smile, pulling Jay in closer until their bodies were flush together.

“Morning,” Jay whispered.

He was smiling softly, and for a moment all Adam could do was stare, drinking in his beauty, hair sticking up at odd angles, cheek marked with creases from his pillow case. He brushed his knuckles across Jay’s cheek before cupping his head, pulling him in for another slow, languid kiss, leg wrapping around Jay’s body to pull him in even closer.

When they broke apart, it felt as though nothing else mattered. It was just the two of them, wrapped in each others arms, still hazy from sleep, and the rest of the world could wait.

Suggestive Kisses

Adam shivered as Jay’s hand settled on his lower back, guiding him out of Molly’s. Despite the crisp air around them, he felt a heat radiating throughout his entire body right from where Jay’s hand was resting.

“What are you—“

“Shh,” Jay cut him off, steering him around the corner and into an alley.

Before Adam could question again, Jay’s lips were on his, hot and heady and desperate, and his back hit the wall with a thud. He was kissing back before he could make a conscious thought, brain short-circuiting as all his blood ran south.

Jay ground down against his thigh, half-hard and wanting, and Adam couldn’t help but moan into his mouth, hands gripping his hips firmly.

“Woah,” Adam breathed out once his brain caught up, pulling his head back as far as he could, which wasn’t very far at all, given the way Jay was crowding into his space. “Where’s this coming from?”

“I can’t want my boyfriend?”

Adam laughed, cupping the back of Jay’s head, taking a second to properly catch his breath. “Of course you can. But in an alley with everyone we know right around the corner?”

There was a glint in Jay’s eye, something like a challenge as he leaned in to kiss Adam again, this time slower, more languid, hand settling over Adam’s chest.

“What?” Jay teased, pressing his nose into Adam’s cheek as he caught his own breath. “Scared of getting caught?”

Truth be told, he was a little, but with Jay’s teeth grazing across his throat, breath hot on his skin, he found he couldn’t care less. He pulled Jay into a bruising kiss in response, angling their hips together to show Jay exactly how interested he was. The resulting moan Jay made was worth every second of humiliation if they ever got caught.

Kisses Just Because

Adam couldn’t wipe the smile from his face, lips still tingling after Jay pulled away. For a second he was just dazed, completely in awe of who Jay was, all because of a simple, unexpected kiss.

“What was that for?” Adam asked quietly, hoping he wasn’t pushing too far by simply asking.

Jay shrugged in response, light blush dusting his cheeks as he smiled. “Do I need a reason?”

“No,” Adam said quickly, a small laugh slipping past his lips. He grabbed Jay lightly by the hips, pulling him close again, smile soft and genuine. “You definitely don’t need a reason.”

To prove his point, he brushed his lips across Jay’s before pressing them together, soft and chaste in a way that made his heart swell.

Goodbye Kisses

Adam almost wished he hadn’t come. Almost. He could see the tears gathering in Jay’s eyes even as he willed them away, and the knot in his chest only grew, squeezing his heart so tight it hurt.

“I’ll be okay,” he assured, gripping the back of Jay’s head to press their foreheads together.

“I know you will,” Jay said with a wet laugh, followed by a sniff as his hands settled on Adam’s waist. “Doesn’t mean I won’t miss you, or worry, or—“

Adam cut him off with a kiss, searing and desperate. Under normal circumstances, he would revel in this moment, in Jay telling Adam how much he means to him, how much he loves him, without actually saying the words. Normally, he would cling to that, hold it close to his heart and thrive off it for days. But in that moment, it hurt too much, because he knew where he was going was dangerous, and he had no idea how long he would be gone, and he couldn’t bear the thought.

Jay’s arms wrapped around him tight, hands settling firmly on his back, deepening the kiss, and something in Adam’s chest cracked at the desperation in the action, the unwillingness to let go, to put any distance between them.

When they finally broke apart, Adam’s eyes were wet with unshed tears too, and he huffed a laugh, glancing away.

“I—“ he broke off, heart skipping a beat at what he almost said. He wasn’t sure why he was still so afraid to tell Jay he loved him, but even now, with no real assurance that he’d ever come back, he couldn’t quite manage it. He swallowed hard, taking a step back, out of Jay’s hold, before saying, “I’ll miss you too.”

It was close enough, he supposed. The meaning behind it was the same, and that kiss had held more passion, more longing, more love than any other they’d shared before it.

“Bye,” Jay whispered, voice shaking, and Adam turned and left without another word.

Kiss After An Absence

Adam didn’t care that they had an audience, that the entire squad was there and then some, and apparently, neither did Jay. All he wanted was to rush to him, pull him into his arms, kiss him senseless and never let go, and it was lucky they were on the same page, because the best Adam could do was wait for Jay to get with him, entire body screaming at him, longing to reach out, to touch, to be held.

Jay hesitated at first, not quite sure where he could and couldn’t touch, but Adam didn’t care if it hurt. He gripped Jay’s face in both hands and pulled him in, kissing him with everything he had.

He could have died, and all he could think about was how he never got to say goodbye to Jay, not properly. He never got to tell him he loved him, never got to properly start a life together, never got to even begin growing old together.

A painful sob tore its way from his chest as he pulled back. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he needed to say, but his tongue felt like lead in his mouth, too heavy, weighed down by pain and drugs and the need to sleep.

Jay pressed a kiss to his forehead, fingers running through his hair soothingly, and Adam let his eyes fall shut, giving in to the sleep he so desperately needed.

Just as he was on the edge of consciousness, he was sure he felt Jay’s lips brush his knuckles followed by a very soft, barely there, “I love you,” but he was asleep before he could think about it, before he could even try to respond.

Chapter Text

Adam sighed as he settled back into Jay’s arms. It felt nice to finally be able to be held without it being uncomfortable or painful. It felt nice to be held without having to think about the logistics. It felt nice to have Jay’s fingertips tracing scars and healing bruises, face pressed against Adam’s back.

He’d been more clingy since he’d woken up in hospital, surprised to still be alive, but Jay didn’t seem to mind. If anything, he reciprocated in kind.

The first thing Adam had done once he could move enough to stand was pull Jay into his arms and hold him close, ignoring the way the action seemed to aggravate every injury throughout his body.

The first thing he’d done when they got to his apartment was hold Jay close and breathe him in, overcome, though he hadn’t known why.

He hugged Jay at every opportunity, regardless of how much it hurt to do so, but it felt incredible to be able to to it without pain, to feel nothing more than a tingle as Jay pulled him in closer, hand firm on his chest.

There was a pause in Jay’s breath, like he was going to say something and was trying to work out exactly how to say it, and Adam waited, stomach fluttering uncomfortably, not sure where this was headed.

“Are you...still questioning being a cop?” Jay asked hesitantly, lifting his head enough that his breath blew through Adam’s hair. “Because if you are, especially after this, I will support you—“

“No,” Adam cut him off quickly, turning in his arms. Jay’s face was sincere and solemn, eyes wide and understanding, but it was unnecessary. “Is it weird that I feel okay? Better than okay. I feel...re-energised, determined, more focussed than I have in a long time.”

Jay nodded, lips quirking up in a half-smile, but Adam could tell there was something else bothering him. He brushed his knuckles across Jay’s cheek before cupping the back of his head, pressing their foreheads together. 

“What’s wrong?” He whispered, and Jay shook his head in response, pulling away a little to roll onto his back.

“Nothing.”

“Jay,” Adam sighed, releasing his hold a little despite how badly he wanted to pull him back in.

“I want you safe,” Jay said, eyes on the ceiling. “It’s selfish and stupid but I was hoping…” he trailed off with a slight shrug, and Adam sighed again.

“You think I don’t understand that?” He asked, trailing his fingers over Jay’s arm. “You think I don’t feel that every day, seeing you in danger?”

Jay huffed a laugh, covering his face with both hands. “We’re idiots.”

“We’re human.” Adam gave into desire and pulled Jay close to him again, cradled against his chest. “I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

Jay nodded, turning his head to press a quick kiss to Adam’s lips.

As they lay there, wrapped in each other's arms, Adam couldn’t help but think about how perfect this was, about how he wanted this always, indefinitely, a guaranteed thing.

“Move in with me.” The words were out before he could stop them, and Jay laughed in response.

“I practically live here anyway.”

“So make it official,” he said softly, leaving a soft kiss on Jay’s cheek. “End your lease, move all your things here. Live with me. Properly.”

“You want that?”

Adam’s stomach swooped, but he ignored it, pulling Jay in closer. “Only if you do.”

“Of course I do,” Jay whispered, sitting up so he could look at Adam properly. After a beat, he rolled Adam onto his back before straddling him, leaning in with a grin. “What took you so long?”

Adam laughed, hands settling on Jay’s hips. “You could have asked.”

In lieu of a response, Jay captured Adam’s lips with his own, kissing him deeply, fingers running into his hair, and Adam’s chest felt as though it would burst with the knowledge that this was a constant, now. Jay would always be here, in his home, in his bed, theirs to call their own.

Chapter Text

“Shit,” Adam breathed out, bowing his head over the chopping board, shoulders sagging in defeat.

“You okay?” Jay called from across the lounge room.

“Yeah,” Adam called back, inwardly cursing himself.

He stared at the ingredients in front of him, trying to work out what his next move was. All he’d wanted to do was impress Jay, make him something new, something he’d taken the time to learn just for him because he knew how much he loved Thai food. It was their first night officially living together, Jay’s name added to the lease and removed from his old one and all his belongings moved into Adam’s apartment.

He sighed, glancing up at Jay, cheeks colouring when he realised Jay was watching him.

“You sure?” Jay asked, putting aside the book he’d been reading to stand up.

Adam didn’t respond. In the grand scheme of things, forgetting to buy meat for their curry wasn’t exactly the worst thing he could have done, but he could still feel the disappointment swirling in his gut, echoing of failure.

“Hey,” Jay said softly, coming to settle beside him with a hand on his shoulder. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing,” Adam said with a wry laugh, turning to face Jay. “I’ve just ruined my dinner plans.”

“How?” He asked with a confused smile.

“Forgot to buy meat,” Adam mumbled, looking down at his hands.

“What?”

“I forgot to buy meat,” he repeated a little louder, tips of his ears heating up.

Jay laughed, placing both hands on Adam’s shoulders as he leaned back. Adam sighed, attempting to pull away, but Jay’s grip was strong as he pulled him back in, cupping his face.

“You’re an idiot.”

“I know, you don’t have to remind me,” Adam muttered, avoiding eye contact.

“No, I mean…” Jay trailed off to press a kiss to Adam’s lips, soft and sweet. “It doesn’t matter. Make it without meat, make something else. We can order in for all I care.”

“It was meant to be special.” Adam sighed, picking at a loose thread on Jay’s shirt.

“It is special,” he said softly, linking his hands behind Adam’s neck as he pressed their foreheads together. “I’m with you.”

“Shut up.” Adam felt his lips quirking upward of their own accord, warmth and affection replacing the disappointment in the pit of his stomach.

“I lo—“

Jay cut him off with a kiss before he could finish his sentence and was moving to help Adam cook before he could recover, leaving him stunned and silent as he watched Jay move.

The moment was gone, and he swallowed the declaration down in favour of helping, face burning red.

Chapter Text

Adam smiled as he watched Jay methodically fold his clothes and put them in the space he’d created, in their drawers, in their bedroom. Jay picked up a jumper, one Adam had never seen before, and paused, holding it out like he didn’t quite know what to do with it, and for a moment Adam just watched, curious and cautious, not quite sure what was going through Jay’s head.

Eventually, Jay sighed, dropping the jumper to his lap, shoulders deflating.

“Never seen you wear that before,” Adam commented lightly, pushing himself off the doorframe to walk towards Jay, who jumped in response, hands tightening around the worn fabric.

“Yeah, it’s...it’s not mine,” Jay said quietly, not meeting Adam’s eyes. “It’s Erin’s.”

Adam had thought he was over this, had thought he’d moved on from feeling second best, but a cold sense of dread, of sadness, washed over him as jealousy reared its ugly head.

“You have one of Erin’s jumpers.” It was a statement, not a question, but Jay nodded anyway. “And you kept it.”

“It didn’t feel right to just throw it away.” Jay shrugged, pulling the jumper towards his chest almost protectively.

“She left you without a word,” Adam hissed, not even bothering to hide his anger, his frustration, his hurt. “Am I still competing with her?”

“What?” Jay asked, whipping around, still clutching the jumper as he stood. “Why the hell would you think that?”

“Oh, I dunno, maybe the fact that you’re still clinging to something that was hers like you can’t live without it?” Adam spat, taking a step back.

His hands were shaking, and he knew he was only angry because he was hurt. And it did hurt. It felt like his chest was cracking open and heart was being slowly dragged out, already damaged, already bruised, just waiting for another beating.

He’d thought they were in a good place. He'd thought Jay loved him. But now it was obvious he was still just a distraction, still just a consolation prize while Jay longed for someone else. He could feel the lump forming in his throat, and for the first time, he was glad that the only real time he’d plucked up the courage to tell Jay he loved him, he’d been cut off.

“What, so I’m supposed to just forget her?” Jay asked, voice raised as he stepped towards Adam. “I’m supposed to just entirely delete that chapter of my life when I’d planned to propose to her, when I had the ring in my pocket the day she left?”

Adam froze, because he hadn’t known that. In all their time together, Jay had never once told him that. He’d mentioned he’d dreamt of their life together, but he’d never said he’d made plans to actually make that a reality.

All the anger faded from him as tears clouded his vision, and he took another step back, grabbing his wallet and keys from the dresser.

“Where are you going?” Jay asked, just a hint of panic in his voice, but Adam didn’t answer.

Instead, he left as fast as he could, lungs burning, vision blurred, as a sudden emptiness threatened to consume him.

He’d been stupid to let himself believe that Jay could actually, truly love him, that he mattered at all in the grand scheme of Jay’s life. He’d been stupid to invite Jay to move in, stupid to let himself fall in love, stupid to start this to begin with.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Chapter Text

Adam still wasn’t entirely sure why he was going along with this. They’d talked since their fight, had spent nights together again, but it felt sort of empty. He still loved Jay with everything he had, but no matter how many times Jay had assured him he was the one for him, that he didn’t want anyone else, it still felt hollow. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave, either, because he wanted to believe Jay.

So here he was sat in an awkwardly silent car on their way to some cabin in the woods Jay had rented out as a romantic gesture. And it would be romantic if Adam didn’t doubt his place so much.

“You’re still mad at me, aren’t you?” Jay asked with a sigh, reaching across the console to take Adam’s hand.

“I’m not mad.”

It wasn’t a lie, he wasn’t mad. He was hurt and confused and kind of scared, but not mad, not really. How could he be? It wasn’t exactly Jay’s fault that he still had feelings for his ex.

“Disappointed, then,” Jay amended, giving Adam’s hand a squeeze. “Be honest with me.”

He didn’t know how to be honest. He didn’t know how to put every little thing he felt into words without saying ‘I love you’ and while he had been ready for that, he wasn’t anymore.

“This is supposed to be healing for us,” Jay said quietly. “This is for us, no one else. This is...me trying to tell you that I want you . I don’t love anyone else. There’s only you.”

It almost sounded like an ‘I love you’. Almost. But the fact that it wasn’t had Adam’s stomach in knots.

“It’s gonna be fun,” Adam agreed with what he hoped was a reassuring smile, squeezing Jay’s hand.

Jay frowned in response but didn’t say anything further, and for the remaining 45 minutes of their drive, they sat in silence, the music from whatever Jay’s iPod was playing washing over them.

It was calming, he had to admit. The music, the fresh air, the absence of tall buildings the further away from Chicago they got, the feel of Jay’s hand in his, thumb gently rubbing across his skin every so often. It felt meant to be, and he leaned into that even though it hurt, because he so badly wanted to believe that it was. He so badly wanted to believe that Will hadn’t been wrong, that every little look he’d caught from Jay had been what he’d thought it had been, that every little moment shared hadn’t been clouded by Jay’s longing for someone else.

Adam stayed in the car while Jay checked them in at reception, and as their car grew closer to their small, isolated cabin, his nerves grew. By the time they pulled up, his stomach was in knots, palms sweating, chest constricting, because what if this was a mistake? What if this didn’t help? What if this was their undoing?

He couldn’t help but wonder if that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, even if his chest ached at the thought.

“Come on,” Jay prompted, voice gentle and patient as he opened Adam’s car door. “Let’s get settled, then we can do whatever you want to do.”

Adam nodded and let Jay guide him out of the car and into the cabin. It was beautiful, he had to admit, with a wood fire set up ready for their arrival and a bottle of wine on the table. It felt special, and he felt that same flicker of excitement that he’d felt when Jay had suggested it, excitedly showing him photos. Again, it felt designed just for them, but it was bittersweet, tainted, and Adam hate that. He hated how stuck inside his own head he was.

“So?” Jay prompted, landing heavily on the lounge. “What do you wanna do?”

“Go for a walk,” Adam said with a small nod, glancing at the door.

“Alright,” Jay said, jumping back up from the lounge, but Adam shook his head.

“Alone.”

Jay’s face fell, and it almost broke Adam’s heart to see it, but he needed this. If they were going to enjoy this, if he was going to have any chance of letting go of that jealousy and that pain, then he needed this.

“I will come back,” Adam assured him with a sad smile, taking a step closer. “I promise.”

Jay nodded, relaxing a little, and Adam pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before he left.

His plan was to process, to think everything through, but instead he could feel his emotions building inside of him, filling his chest almost painfully, until he had to stop and take a breath, tears burning his eyes. He didn’t even know what he was feeling. It was everything at once, every bit of pain, of fear, of love, of affection, of hope, of jealousy, all mashed into one. But underneath it all was a desire to make this work. He could see how hard Jay was trying, how badly he wanted this. Everything Jay had done since that argument had been cautious but full of love, far more than anything that had ever passed between them before. He knew part of it was fear, but he was also sure Jay wouldn’t be so scared of losing him if he didn’t love him.

Will’s words about not hurting him, about him having been hurt too many times already, echoed around his head, and by the time he got back, the sun having long dipped below the horizon, he was full of hope and determination.

The smell of cooking flooded his senses the moment he entered the cabin, and he smiled when Jay looked up from the stove, eyes hopeful and shining.

“You didn’t have to cook.”

“What else was I gonna do?” Jay asked with a wet laugh, turning back to the stove.

Adam watched him for a moment, smile tugging at his lips, and after a while he stood behind Jay and wrapped his arms around his middle, chin resting on his shoulder.

Jay melted into the touch, eyes fluttering shut as he tilted his head back, leaning his weight into Adam. It felt good, it felt normal, it felt like home, and tears filled Adam’s eyes before he could stop them.

“Hey,” Jay whispered, righting himself so he could twist in Adam’s arms. He cupped Adam’s cheek softly, brushing a tear away with his thumb, brow knitted together in concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Adam said with a small shake of his head, hands settling on Jay’s hips. “I just...I’ve been an idiot, and I’m sorry.”

“No,” Jay said, shaking his head. “No, you haven’t. I’m the idiot who held onto my ex’s jumper even after we’d moved in together. I’m the idiot who has trouble letting go.”

Adam laughed wetly before pressing a kiss to Jay’s forehead. “I’m the one with self-worth issues.”

“Why?” Jay whispered, pulling back just a little to study Adam’s face. “You’re perfect.”

“Far from it.” Adam rubbed the back of his neck, face heating up.

“You’re perfect for me,” Jay amended before leaning in to capture Adam’s lips with his own.

Chapter Text

“Where are we going?” Adam asked for the fifth time that morning. He expected Jay to be annoyed by this point, but he just laughed in response, shaking his head.

“We’re almost there.”

“I hate surprises,” he grumbled under his breath, but judging by the grin Jay shot his way, he was heard anyway.

“It’s your birthday,” Jay shrugged, squeezing Addam’s hand as he pulled him a little further along, “you gotta know people are gonna surprise you on your birthday.”

“No one has so far,” Adam said with a huff of laughter.

Jay stopped dead in his tracks, turning to face Adam, taking his other hand. There was a look on his face that Adam couldn’t quite read, but it was too close to pity for his liking, and he squirmed under Jay’s gaze, lowering his eyes.

“Not even when you were a kid?” Jay asked, voice soft, far too gentle for something that didn’t really matter.

“Mum wasn’t around.” Adam shrugged. “Neither was dad, really. Not enough to plan a surprise.”

Jay hummed in response, giving both of Adam’s hands a small squeeze before setting off again, this time a little slower.

“This isn’t a big surprise,” Jay said quietly as they entered the park. “Just something nice that I couldn’t quite manage to do for you at home.”

When Adam’s eyes settled on Will and Hailey sitting on the grass, his stomach swooped, though he wasn’t sure why.

Hailey waived, standing up when she spotted them, and held out a hand to help Will up.

“Happy birthday,” she said quietly, pulling Adam into a tight hug.

Will clapped Adam on the back once Hailey pulled away. “Happy birthday, man.” He gave Jay a small nod. “We’ll leave you to it.”

Adam frowned, confused as he watched them leave together. “What’s going on?”

“Picnic,” Jay said with an exasperated sigh, nudging Adam’s side. “In the park. For your birthday. They just helped set up.”

“Too lazy to set it up yourself?” Adam teased, wrapping an arm around Jay’s shoulders.

“It would ruin the surprise if I walked here with a picnic basket and all.”

Adam sighed contentedly as he sat down on the rug that was laid out, leaning back as Jay sat beside him.  “What made you do this?”

Jay shrugged, busying himself with getting things out of the basket. “You said you’d never had a picnic in the park before, so…” he trailed off, pausing in his movements. “Is it okay? Because we don’t have to stay, we can pack it up and—“

Adam cut him off by grabbing Jay around the middle, pulling him back away from the basket and against his chest. “It’s perfect,” he said quietly, resting his chin on Jay’s shoulder once he’d relaxed into Adam’s hold. “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

Adam grinned as he took his seat beside Jay, arm slung casually over his shoulder. He couldn’t quite believe they’d come so far from the early days of hiding their affection behind closed doors to this, out in the open, far less bothered about what anyone might think.

Jay whistled beside him, patting his hands on his thighs as he took in their view of the court. “How the hell did you manage these seats?” He asked, turning to Will.

Will nodded in Connor’s direction before their fingers, eyes shining with more happiness than Adam had ever seen on him. “This one has connections. Not that he needs them with all the money he has.”

“How is it that it’s rich people who always get free shit while the rest of us slum it?” Jay asked with a laugh.

“It’s how the rich get rich and the poor get poorer.” The statement was true, but Will grinned like it was a joke, judging Connor with his shoulder.

Connor’s cheeks tinged pink and he glanced away with an uncomfortable laugh.

“I’m just teasing,” Will said softly, giving Connor’s hand a squeeze.

“I did pay for the tickets,” Connor muttered.

“And we’re grateful.”

“I can pay you back,” Adam chimed in, because it had never really felt right for him to accept something for nothing, but Connor scoffed in response, shaking his head.

“No need. Call it a belated birthday gift.”

Adam opened his mouth to protest, but Jay cut him off with a quick kiss followed by a stern look, so Adam fell silent, resting back in his seat.

He wasn’t really into basketball, not as much as Jay, but there was something about Jay’s absolute enthusiasm that was contagious, and Adam found himself enjoying the game far more than he expected. What he enjoyed more, though, was the way Jay’s face was absolutely lit up like a child on Christmas.

The drinks kept coming, and at halftime, Connor announced he was going to get them all food. Before Adam could say anything about money, Jay gave his knee a squeeze before standing to follow Connor, slapping him on the back as he leaned in to say something.

As soon as they were out of eye-shot, Will moved across to sit beside Adam.

“Enjoying it?” He asked casually, looking out at the court.

“More than I thought I would,” Adam laughed. “Thank you. Again.”

“Hey,” Will said, turning to him with a grin, “you’re part of the family now.”

Adam felt his face grow hot instantly and ducked his head. He knew what Will meant, that they were all family, chosen family, but the implication still had him shifting in his seat.

“Look,” Will sighed, angling his body towards Adam. “Jay told me about the whole thing with Erin’s jumper and—“

“No, Will—“

“He’s an idiot,” Will continued, raising his voice a little to talk over Adam. “He’s an idiot with a big heart and no idea what to do with it. He loved her. He really loved her, I won’t deny that. But he loves you too. He loves you more.”

“So you’ve said,” Adam muttered, wishing the conversation would be over.

“You mean he hasn’t said it?” Will asked, voice suddenly far more soft than it ought to be.

“It doesn’t matter, man,” Adam said, forcing a laugh. “We’re just...we’re okay. It’s okay.”

Will opened his mouth to say something, but Adam caught Jay’s eye as he and Connor came back with food, and he grinned, patting Will’s back, hoping he’d take the hint.

Will gave him a long look before moving back to his seat, and Adam couldn’t quite read his expression, couldn’t quite tell what message Will was trying to convey.

“Everything okay?” Jay asked as he handed Adam two hotdogs.

“Yeah,” Adam breathed out, forcing himself to relax back into his seat. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You look all flustered,” Jay said with a laugh before leaning in to press a soft kiss to Adam’s lips. “Do I need to have words with my brother?”

“Nah,” Adam waved him off, settling against his side. “Everything’s great.”

And everything was great. Will’s words provided just the flicker of hope Adam needed, and he didn’t care if it made him foolish, he was going to cling to that with everything he had.

Chapter Text

As they walked into the mall, Adam’s stomach flipped with the sort of child-like excitement that honestly made him feel foolish, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake it. They were buying things for their apartment. Together. Things that would be theirs. Not Adam’s or Jay’s, but theirs. It was such a small notion, something that didn’t even seem to phase Jay in the slightest if the way he suggested they go shopping was anything to go by, but for Adam, it meant the start of really building their life together.

“Linen and plants really make you that happy?” Jay teased, nudging his side before taking his hand, linking their fingers.

Adam felt his face grow hot, but he laughed anyway, nudging Jay back as he gave his hand a squeeze. The truth was they did make him that happy, just not on their own, not without Jay, not without it being something they bought together.

As they browsed through the homewares, he couldn’t help but take note of Jay’s taste, of the things that he stopped to consider, but, surprisingly, it was the plants that seemed to draw Jay in the most. He seemed enamoured by them, commenting on little details that went way over Adam’s head.

“Get them,” Adam said with a shrug.

Jay looked at him for a moment before breaking out in a grin. “All of them?”

“No,” Adam said with a laugh. “But pick some.”

“You’re not allergic to anything?”

Adam pulled a face. “Not that I know of.”

“What? You have zero plants. I wouldn’t know.”

Adam rolled his eyes fondly and turned to leave Jay to choose his plants, but Jay caught him by the arm.

“You’re not gonna help me pick?”

“They’re your plants.”

“ Our plants,” Jay corrected with a cautious smile, dropping his hold. “Unless you don’t want them.”

For some inexplicable reason, those words filled him with warmth, and he couldn’t resist pressing a kiss to Jay’s lips.

That warmth didn’t leave him for the rest of the day, and as they left with new picture frames, a new bedspread, six pot plants, and a new bookcase set for delivery that week, something felt like it had finally clicked into place.

This was the start of their life together after all the false starts that had come before it, and it felt like Adam could truly breathe again without a dark cloud of doubt hanging over him.

“I love you,” Adam found himself murmuring against Jay’s hair that night as they lay in bed, but after an extended silence, he realised Jay was fast asleep, face soft and peaceful and completely unaware.

But Adam knew he knew. He had to.

Chapter Text

Adam laughed as he caught Jay poking one of their plants wilted leaves, chin resting on his hand. He came up behind Jay, winding his arms around his waist as he leaned in to rest his chin on his shoulder. Despite the awkward angle, he managed to make it work.

“You know,” he started, teasing edge to his voice, “when you said you wanted plants, that you loved plants, I kind of assumed you knew how to look after them.”

“I just thought I had to water them,” Jay muttered with a sigh.

“And did you? Water them?”

“You could have helped out,” Jay muttered, pushing Adam off him to move to the lounge. “They were supposed to be our plants.”

Adam laughed again, ruffling Jay’s hair before sitting down beside him. “The only water they saw was when I watered them.”

“Shut up,” Jay muttered, but the threat of a smile was tugging at the corners of his lips, giving him away.

Adam poked his side gently, relishing in the way Jay almost smiled before he straightened a little, focussing on channel flicking.

“Stop,” Jay eventually said with an exasperated sigh, turning to Adam with a half-annoyed, half-amused smile. “You’re relentless, you know that?”

“It’s funny,” Adam defended with a laugh, resting his head on Jay’s shoulder.

“Hilarious,” Jay dead-panned. “Too useless to even keep a plant alive. God, imagine me with a kid.”

Adam froze, and for a second, the image of Jay playing with their faceless children in the garden played in his mind, warming his heart. It hadn’t even been something he’d thought he wanted, but now his chest ached at the thought of Jay doubting himself.

“Hey,” he said softly, lifting his head to look at Jay. “You’re not useless.”

Jay ignored him in favour of turning on Netflix, scanning for something to watch.

“I mean it,” Adam insisted, covering his hands to take the remote away from him. When Jay finally looked at him, he smiled, cupping Jay’s cheeks. “You’re not useless.”

“All my plants died, Adam.”

“Oh, so they’re your plants now?” Adam teased, raising an eyebrow. “I thought they were our plants.”

Jay rolled his eyes, swatting Adam’s hands away. “Shut up and pick a damn movie.”

Adam laughed as he picked up the remote, flicking through until he found something mindless they could both enjoy. He settled against Jay’s side as the movie started, curling into his warmth.

“You know,” he said softly, reaching out to link their fingers, “for what it’s worth, I think you’d be an amazing dad.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Adam breathed out, giving Jay’s hand a squeeze.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think you would too.”

Chapter Text

As he stared at the phone on the counter in front of him, Adam tried to take a deep, measured breath to calm himself. It worked, in a sense, but that anxiety that had been crawling around his veins for the past week since they found a spot on his lung during a routine checkup on the healing of his ribs was reaching a crescendo, gripping his chest tight.

He’d hidden this from Jay only because he didn’t want to worry him, because, despite every anxiety and every ‘what if?’ he was still so sure it would come back negative.  But a call to come in and ‘discuss his test results’ didn’t sound at all like a negative, and he felt sick at the thought.

If their future was sickness, Adam undergoing chemo, Jay having to look after him, a life cut short because of cancer, did he really want to involve Jay in that at all? Would it not just be better to walk away now and save them both the trouble?

It felt so severely unfair, and he felt tears spring to his eyes as a sob bubbled up in his chest. He hung his head, gripping the bench, wishing beyond anything else that he had a solution that wasn’t leaving.

And the truth was, he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to have to do this alone, not if he could avoid it. He was suddenly so much more terrified of what the future would hold now than ever before.

“Adam?” He jumped at the sound of Jay’s voice and rubbed furiously at his eyes. “What’s happened?”

Adam shook his head, swallowing hard before trying to answer, but the words wouldn’t come. He took a deep breath before trying again, but he didn’t know how to say, ‘I might have cancer,’ to the person he loved the most in this world.

“Hey,” Jay said gently, dropping the towel he was drying his hair with in favour of coming around the bench to wrap his arms around Adam. “You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

Adam hesitated for just long enough for Jay to pull him into a hug, and he gripped back fiercely, unwilling to let go.

“Talk to me,” Jay whispered, running his fingers into the back of Adam’s hair.

“I just got a call from my doctor. I…” He trailed off, pulling out of Jay’s hug even though he really, really didn’t want to. “I had some tests done, something came up on a routine scan and…”

“God, what is it?” Jay grabbed Adam’s hands firmly, expression grim. “Please tell me you’re okay.”

“I- I don’t know,” Adam blurted out, ducking his head. “I might have cancer.”

“Might? They don’t know?” Adam shook his head, squeezing Jay’s hands. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I thought it would be nothing.” Adam sniffed, forcing himself to meet Jay’s eyes. “But now he wants me to come in and discuss the results and—“

“But it’s not definitely cancer?”

Adam shook his head again, and Jay pulled him into another hug, this time much more fierce, much more desperate, and for a moment they just stood there clinging to each other like it was the end of the world.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Jay said softly, smoothing Adam’s hair down. “Let’s just wait and see.”

It felt like false hope, but just hearing Jay say something calming, something positive, helped calm his racing heart.

He let Jay lead him to the lounge and sit him down, and he felt a flash of guilt when he realised Jay was making them breakfast, something he was supposed to have done while Jay was in the shower, but he felt suddenly numb, unable to move, so he just sat there staring at the blank TV screen until a plate of bacon and eggs was placed in front of him.

He ate because Jay had made it for him, not because he was particularly hungry, and he tried to watch the TV show that Jay selected, but he couldn’t seem to focus.

“Will you come to the appointment with me?” He eventually asked, voice quiet as he settled into Jay's side.

Jay turned to him with a frown, linking their fingers. “Of course,” he said before pressing a quick kiss to his knuckles. “You don’t have to ask. That’s a given. I’m with you, whatever happens. Always.”

Chapter Text

Watching the sun dance off the water’s surface while Jay swam laps, Adam was sure he’d never felt happier. After the anxiety-inducing whirlwind that had been their past month full of doctors visits and tests and biopsies and finally, finally being told it was a false alarm, just a benign tumor that would need to be removed before it grew too big, it felt good to just relax. It felt good to be away from Chicago, away from their lives, away from anyone and anything except each other.

“You gonna join me?” Jay asked, propping his chin on his arms on the edge of the pool.

“Not if you’re just gonna use this vacation to exercise,” Adam teased, and Jay flicked water at him in response before hauling himself out of the water.

“It’s relaxing,” Jay said with a shrug.

“This,” Adam said, gesturing towards himself for emphasis, “is relaxing. That is not.”

Jay hummed in response as he toweled idly at his hair. “We could go down to the beach?”

“Can’t we just stay here?” Adam asked with a sigh. “I hate the sand, and—“

“You wanted a beach getaway but you hate sand?” Jay asked with a laugh, settling down on the edge of the sunbed Adam was sprawled out on.

“I like being near the beach, not on the beach.”

“Are you being purposely difficult?” 

Jay’s eyebrow was raised, almost like he was teasing, but the laughter was gone from his eyes, and Adam’s stomach sunk with the thought that he’d somehow ruined Jay’s idea of what their vacation would be.

“Sorry,” he muttered, sitting up a little straighter.

“No, don’t, it’s just…” Jay broke off with a sigh, hand settling on Adam’s ankle. “Are you okay?”

“Of course.” 

Adam scoffed, surprised by the question, because after everything they’d been through, this was probably the best he’d felt since the very beginning. He was alive, he was cancer-free, and he was on vacation with the love of his life, the man he honestly thought he might marry, one day, if Jay was ever ready for that with someone again.

“Really? Because you seem… I dunno, distant. Disinterested. Like you don’t wanna do anything.” Jay idly rubbed Adam’s ankle with his thumb as he offered a soft smile. “You can talk to me, you know.”

“I’m fine,” Adam insisted, sitting up a little further so he could scoot forward and reach for Jay’s hand with his own. “I’m sorry if you think I’ve been distant from you. I haven’t meant to be. I wanna be with you always. You should know that by now.”

The way Jay ducked his head when he smiled, an odd sort of sadness in his eyes, made Adam’s stomach flip with guilt, because if he’d made Jay doubt his feelings for him in any way, then he felt like he’d failed on all fronts.

“You’d tell me if you weren’t okay?” Jay asked quietly.

“Yes,” Adam insisted, giving Jay’s hand a squeeze. And he meant it. After everything, he didn’t want any more secrets or hiding or pretending. “If you’re bored—"

“I’m not bored,” Jay said quickly, almost fiercely, as he moved a little closer to Adam, who sighed in response.

“It just feels nice to be able to sit around and do nothing,” Adam admitted quietly, suddenly shy about wanting that when Jay was clearly restless. “It feels nice to sleep until midday and lounge about watching you swim and listen to the ocean while reading a book. But if you’re restless, we can go do something.”

Jay shook his head, a genuine smile lighting up his face. “If you wanna do nothing, we can do nothing.”

After a beat, his smile turned into something far more devious, and before Adam could think, Jay was climbing on top of him, clothes still soaking wet and already seeping into Adam’s clothes.

“Jay!” He protested, trying to squirm away, but he was quickly stilled by Jay’s lips on his, undemanding but still filled with the kind of passion that went straight to his groin.

“I can think of better ways to exercise than me swimming laps,” Jay murmured against his lips, eyes dark, cheeks already flushed.

“Yeah?” Adam asked breathlessly, already forgetting his aversion to wet clothing as he arched his hips, gripping Jay’s ass firmly. “Show me, then.”

“Oh, I plan to,” he said with a laugh before capturing Adam’s lips once more.

It occurred to him that if the neighbours came out onto their balcony right now, they could see everything, but those thoughts were promptly silenced as Jay removed his t-shirt to trail open-mouthed kisses down his chest, and further.

Adam’s head fell back with a soft thunk as Jay took him in his mouth, all warm, wet heat, and he couldn’t help but think that he could get used to this, the leisure of time off, of unrushed sex, of knowing they had all the time in the world with no risk of a phone call from Voight.

This was bliss. This was happiness. This was everything and more.

Chapter Text

“How do you feel about cats?” Jay asked out of nowhere, lifting his head from where it was resting on Adam’s chest to look at him.

Adam frowned, squinting against the light as he forced his eyes opened. “Why?”

“Well, I’m more of a dog person, but I like cats too.”

“Cats are fine,” Adam said through a sigh, letting his eyes fall shut again.

Jay rested his chin on Adam’s chest, tracing light patterns across his skin, and while it occurred to him that he should get up, entertain Jay’s need to be doing something, Jay’s fingertips combined with the gentle crashing of the waves against the shore were lulling him back to sleep before he could stop it.

“How do you feel about owning a cat?” Jay asked after a moment, dragging Adam from his sleep again.

“You want a cat?” He asked, rubbing his eyes as he turned to look at Jay properly this time.

“Only if you do,” he responded with a shrug, almost like it didn’t matter, but Adam could tell it did.

“You wanna risk a pet when all our plants died?” Adam teased with a laugh, hand settling on Jay’s back.

Jay huffed, poking Adam firmly in the chest. “Shut up. Plants can’t remind you to feed them.”

Adam sighed, rubbing his hand up and down Jay’s back idly. For a moment, he entertained the idea. A cat somehow perfectly slotted into their imagined future, of children and a yard and a safer set of jobs, something that wouldn’t constantly put them or their family at risk, something that wouldn’t leave their children parentless.

He knew this imagined future was just that—imagined—but once he’d thought about it, he couldn’t shake it, like it was etched into his brain forever, even if he may never have the chance to bring it up as a serious option.

“We’re never home,” Adam said with a soft smile, running his fingers into the back of Jay’s hair. “That’s not fair on a pet.”

“But that’s why a cat’s perfect,” he insisted, pushing himself up so he was sitting. “They practically look after themselves. They’re solitary.”

Adam studied Jay for a moment. “You really want this?”

“Only if you do,” Jay repeated, but a smile was tugging at the corners of his mouth almost like he knew Adam was about to give in.

“Fine,” he relented with a dramatic sigh. “But don’t expect me to clean its shit.”

Jay raised his hands in surrender, grin taking over his face. “Deal.”

Jay seemed almost nervous as they headed to the animal shelter, hands twisting in his lap. They’d chosen a cat online, a three-year-old tabby named Frederick, old enough to not need constant attention while also being young enough to have most of its life with them. Really, Jay had chosen, and Adam had watched, amazed at how much joy he seemed to get from this process despite having never expressed an interest in owning a pet before. But now, in the car, he seemed the opposite.

“What’s wrong?” Adam asked, reaching across to cover Jay’s hands with his own, stilling his movements.

“Nothing,” Jay said quickly before sighing. “What if he doesn’t like us?”

Adam couldn’t help but laugh, giving Jay’s hands a squeeze as he parked. “You’ve chosen the wrong animal if you want it to express its love for you.”

“But what if he hates us?”

Adam turned to look at Jay, really look at him, expression softening. “He won’t.”

“But how do you know?”

“Because we’re taking him in,” Adam said quietly. “Because we’re gonna love him and feed him and look after him the way he deserves. Because he’s been through some shit and we’ve been through some shit and we’re gonna work through it together. Okay?”

Jay nodded, a small smile lighting up his face.

“Okay?” He asked again, nudging Jay.

“Yes,” Jay said with a laugh, nudging him back before opening his car door. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything," Adam said through laughed as he got out of the car. He walked around the other side to take Jay’s hand in his. “Imagine you adopting a child.”

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and he felt his face heat up, stomach swooping, but Jay didn’t seem phased by the comment, he just laughed, tugging Adam in the direction of the shelter.

“I’d be way more scared adopting a child,” Jay said quietly, throwing Adam a soft smile.

It didn’t mean anything, not really, but the comment sparked a warmth in his chest regardless.

Adam’s heart broke a little as he watched Jay lie on the floor, not blocking any exit points but still close enough that Freddy could surely smell him. He lay there talking softly about his day at every opportunity he could while Freddy hid under the cabinet, hissing every so often, and though he never said anything, Adam could see the sadness in his eyes, the fear that it would always be like this, that they’d made a mistake in adopting the cat that had been horribly abused instead of some soft playful thing.

Sometimes he lay on the floor with Jay, too, arm wrapped around his waist, cocooning him as best he could, as though it would help any. He listened to Jay talk, retelling their day in a hushed voice.

“He hates us,” Jay whispered one night as he pushed himself up off the floor.

Adam sighed softly as he took Jay’s hand to help pull him up off the ground. “Give him time.”

“It’s been two weeks now.” Jay’s voice wavered, and Adam moved to pull him in for a hug instantly, cradling his head against his chest.

“Give him time,” Adam repeated, gently rubbing Jay’s back. “Think about how long it takes you to let someone in. How long it took you to let me in. I know it’s different, but it’s kinda the same. Give him time to see that we’re not gonna hurt him, that he’s safe, that he can trust us. He’ll get there, even if it takes months.”

“You’re right,” Jay said with a small nod, pulling back to look at Adam, eyes shining with unshed tears. “I just...it’s not what I imagined.”

“I know,” Adam whispered, pressing a kiss to Jay’s forehead before taking his hand.

“Goodnight, Freddy,” Jay said softly before allowing Adam to coax him into bed.

Adam groaned as a weight at the foot of the bed dragged him from sleep. It felt like Jay was prodding his legs, and he opened his eyes, ready to sit up and shove him away, when he locked eyes with Freddy, frozen at the end of the bed, paws still resting on his calves.

“Jay,” he whispered, reaching carefully behind him to grab Jay’s arm. “Don’t move, just open your eyes.”

Jay groaned, shifting, but Adam tightened his grip.

“What the—“

“Shh,” Adam insisted, and his urgency had Jay’s eyes opening immediately. “Look.”

Jay followed Adam’s line of sight, and he felt the panic leave Jay instantly as he melted against Adam’s side with a contented sigh.

“Hey, Freddy,” he whispered, cautiously reaching a hand forward.

Freddy instantly jumped off the bed to hide under it, and Jay sighed, dropping his hand as he pressed his face into Adam’s back.

“It’s progress,” Adam said quietly, rolling onto his back so he could pull Jay flush against his side. “We go at his speed, yeah?”

He could see the disappointment in Jay’s eyes even as he nodded, and honestly, he understood. It had been a month now, and the only time they’d seen Freddy come out from under the cabinet was when they got home and he quickly scooted back under. This was huge progress, but he understood Jay wanted more, needed more.

Just as Adam was dozing back off to sleep, he felt that same weight at the end of the bed, followed by little paws prodding at his legs.

“Don’t move this time,” he whispered, keeping his eyes closed.

They stayed still as Freddy moved all the way up Adam’s body until he was settled on Adam’s chest, close enough for him to feel his breath on his chin.

He chanced opening his eyes, and his heart melted at the sight of Freddy up close, eyes wide and watching, but not poised to run.

“Try and pat him,” Jay urged quietly.

Adam carefully extracted his arm from under the blanket and placed it in front of Freddy’s face to sniff. He felt Freddy tense on top of him, poised to flee, but he relaxed again, bowing his head into Adam’s hand, and with a soft laugh, Adam petted him lightly behind the ears.

Once Freddy was purring, Jay dared to hold out his own hand. Freddy froze again, sniffing intently before nuzzling back into Adam’s hand.

“That’s not fair,” Jay said, but his face was alight, no hint of sadness in his shining eyes this time. “Why does he love you more?”

Adam laughed, pressing a kiss to Jay’s forehead. “I am the chosen one.”

“Shut up,” Jay said with a laugh before capturing Adam’s lips with his own.

He’d never wanted a cat before. He’d never even considered owning one, always believing they were more hassle than they were worth. But with the weight of Freddy on his chest, warmth seeping through the blanket, small vibrations radiating through his ribs as he purred, he couldn’t think of a more perfect fit.

Chapter Text

Adam stopped at the edge of the hall when he caught sight of Jay standing with his hands on his hips staring at their bookshelves. He watched for a moment, an amused smile tugging at his lips as Jay tilted his head, muttering to himself under his breath, checking his phone every so often, but always returning to staring at the bookshelves.

“I can feel you watching me,” he said eventually, and Adam laughed, entering the lounge room properly.

“I still have no idea what you’re doing.”

Jay let out a low breath before turning to Adam with a smile. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Looked like it mattered,” Adam prompted with a raised eyebrow, hairs on the back of his neck standing up at the thought of Jay hiding something serious from him even though he knew it was an overreaction.

Jay pressed a quick kiss to Adam’s cheek as he moved around him to get to the kitchen. “Want a beer?”

“Sure.” He sat down on the lounge, waiting for Jay to join him before he asked, “Wanna tell me what’s on your mind?”

Jay took a swig of his beer before settling down on the opposite end of the lounge to swing his legs up into Adam’s lap. He remained silent while he set their DVD up, an old favourite that wasn’t on Netflix, but eventually, he turned his eyes back to Adam.

“How do you feel about redecorating?”

“What’s wrong with how it is?” Adam asked, and he cringed internally at how defensive he sounded.

“Nothing,” Jay said, shooting him a small smile before returning his gaze back to the TV. “I told you it didn’t matter.”

Adam frowned, taking to idly massaging Jay’s feet as usual while he contemplated Jay’s question. He liked things the way they were, the way they had always been, give or take a few things, but he didn’t want Jay to feel as though this wasn’t his home in any way. He didn’t want Jay to feel as though he had to defer to Adam always, just because he was here first.

He smiled softly as Freddy jumped up on Jay’s lap, purr audible over the TV as Jay scratched behind his ears. Jay seemed at home here, had never acted as though he felt out of place, but it was an itch Adam could only scratch by asking, now the seed was planted in his mind.

“You know this is your house too, right?” He asked cautiously, patting Jay's ankle.

“I know,” Jay said with a slight shrug, not taking his eyes off the TV.

“So if you wanna redecorate, add a bit more Jay or...or whatever, then you don’t have to feel like we can’t talk about it.”

Jay laughed softly, giving Adam a look he couldn’t quite read. “I know.”

Adam frowned, not entirely understanding. If Jay knew that, then why had he been acting as though he couldn’t talk about it without Adam’s approval first?

“I don’t wanna mess with the way you have things,” Jay explained as though he could read his mind, turning his attention back to him with a knowing look. “You like things a certain way, and I like that about you.”

“But it’s your home too,” Adam said quietly, not sure why he felt the need to press this.

“And I’ve never felt like it isn’t.” He motioned for Adam to move up the lounge, and Adam did without a second thought, slotting into the space between Jay and the back of the lounge, head resting on Jay’s chest as his hand instinctively moved to pat Freddy. “It was just a thought.”

“Looked like an intense thought,” he said quietly, nuzzling further into Jay.

“It’s not a big deal,” Jay insisted with a laugh, shifting so he could wrap an arm around Adam, hand settling on his hip.

“If you want—“

“Stop, okay?” Jay said with a sigh, half-annoyed, half-amused. “If it was a big deal I wouldn’t have brushed it off. Please stop over-thinking.”

“Okay,” Adam relented, relaxing into Jay. “But if you wanna change anything, just say.”

“Nah.” Jay squeezed Adam’s hip, reaching down with his other hand to pick his beer up off the floor. “Too much cleaning involved.”

Adam lifted his head to look at Jay, not sure if he was serious or not, but Jay didn’t look like he was teasing.

“What kind of plans did you have?” He asked, voice embarrassingly hysterical.

Jay laughed in response, nearly choking on a mouthful of beer. “New shelves, new paint, new lounge, the works.”

Adam frowned as he settled against Jay’s side again, trying to picture what entirely new furniture might look like. He’d owned the same old stuff ever since he’d lived alone, and while it was good stuff, he couldn’t deny an upgrade wouldn’t hurt.

“I’d be open to that,” he said quietly, an odd sense of excitement filling him up at the thought of really making it entirely theirs combined.

Jay shrugged, setting aside his beer in favour of patting Freddy again. “As I said, too much cleaning.”

“Could be nice, though,” Adam prompted, lifting his head to look at Jay again.

“It could,” Jay agreed with a soft smile before pressing a gentle kiss to Adam’s lips.

Chapter Text

Adam sighed, setting aside the plate he’d just dried in favour of wrapping his arms around Jay’s middle, tugging him away from the sink.  Jay laughed in response, flicking soapy water at him before turning in Adam’s arms with a smile.

“Let me guess, you’re bored?” He asked, looping his arms around Adam’s neck as he leaned back.

“Considering we both have to be up in seven hours, I’m just looking out for you,” Adam said, putting on his best innocent smile.

“Is that so?” Jay raised an eyebrow, gaze raking up and down Adam’s body.

“Well, if we don’t stop now, we won’t have time for me to go down on you,” he said with a grin before pulling Jay into a kiss.

He expected Jay to protest, to insist the washing up must be done first, but instead he melted into the touch, gripping Adam’s hips to pull them flush together.

“You’re ridiculous, you know?” Jay asked with a lazy smile as he pulled back. “I love you.”

Adam froze, body tensing entirely, because he’d imagined those words from Jay’s lips, had dreamed about them, had waited for them even though he’d learned to be patient long ago, but truly, he’d accepted the fact that he may never hear them. But there was no mistaking that was exactly what Jay said, and his brain didn't quite know how to process the situation.

“What?” Jay asked, a hint of panic in his voice. “What’s wrong.”

“You just told me you love me,” Adam said quietly, unable to keep the awe out of his voice.

Jay frowned, pulling back from Adam a little further. “And you’re acting like it’s the first time.”

“Because it...is?” Adam’s stomach flipped uncertainly, and for a moment he wasn’t sure who was the delusional one here.

“No,” Jay said with a laugh, shaking his head. “No, I remember the first time I told you I loved you. You were sick and feverish and cuddled up against me and...and despite how gross you were, I realised you were absolutely perfect and I’d gone and fallen in love and...it wasn’t romantic or anything but surely you remember that?”

“I thought it was a dream,” Adam whispered, cupping Jay’s cheek.

Jay still had that frown on his face, though, and there was an odd sort of sadness, of uncertainty, clouding his eyes. " But I’ve said it...I don’t know, obviously not enough, but I’ve said it since then, multiple times.”

Adam swallowed as he brushed his thumb across Jay’s cheek, brain trying to process the fact that Jay had loved him that much and for that long and he'd been entirely oblivious for so much of that time.

“And I know you love me,” Jay continued, a hint of hysteria in his voice. “You’ve said it before. Not often, but I just...I just thought...I mean, you show me you love me all the time, it didn’t...Fuck, did you think I don’t love you?”

“No,” Adam said quickly, holding Jay’s face in his hands. “No, I knew. You show me every day how much you love me. Of course I knew, I just...I thought after Erin, you weren’t ready to say it, and—“

“But I have ,” Jay insisted, gripping the back of Adam’s head to press their foreheads together. “Maybe my timing isn’t always right, but I have. I love you so much, Adam. So fucking much.”

“I love you too,” Adam whispered, throat growing tight with emotion, though he wasn’t sure why. This wasn’t a revelation, but it felt like one anyway. “I love you with everything I have.”

“God,” Jay said with a wet laugh. “We’re a pair of fucking idiots.”

In lieu of a response, Adam pulled Jay into a kiss, soft and tender, yet desperate and needy all at once.  Somehow, falling into bed with Jay felt different than before. Even though nothing had changed, it felt like everything had change, and he was sure his heart would burst with happiness.  He loved Jay and Jay loved him and though he hadn't doubted that fact for a while now, it still felt incredible to know it, to hear it out loud, to say it without any sense of fear or apprehension.

Suddenly, his imagined future for them didn't feel so foolish at all.