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Shatner Claus, Christmas Karaoke

Summary:

Things get out of hand on a long overdue shore leave.

Notes:

An evil plot bunny took advantage of me during a blistering heat wave.

Total crack.

Christmas in July if you squint. (I stated writing this in July anyway.)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

The bridge crew were dazed and confused, shocked and dismayed. They were glassy eyed and slack jawed. Uhura looked like she was in physical pain. How had things gotten so out of hand?

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ONE WEEK EARLIER

 

The Enterprise had been on one dangerous mission after another for months. Doctor McCoy, in his role as chief medical officer, demanded that Jim get shore leave for the crew. He'd even threatened to go directly to Star Fleet Command if Jim couldn't or wouldn't give his crew some relief from the ever escalating stress. Jim readily agreed and shore leave was planned, with blessings from Admiral Komac.

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EARLIER TODAY

Jim had planned to stay on-board and hold down the fort. Bones was having none of it! He enlisted aid from the rest of the senior staff and they practically dragged their Captain onto the transporter platform. Their mission, get Jim to let loose and enjoy himself for once.

They ended up in a quaint, retro, Earth style pub. Everyone was having a good time. There was a dart board, a small stage area that was currently empty, karaoke equipment, bowls of peanuts and an antique jukebox that had been retrofitted to play anything in its memory bank.

The drinks were flowing and old stories were being retold. Bones was nursing a mint julep while Scotty was regaling them with tales of Aberdeen and insisting that the only true whiskey came from Scotland, hence, Scotch! Spock was having hot chocolate. He declared that mini marshmelons where illogical but he ate them all. Uhura and Chekhov were debating the differences and similarities between a dawa cocktail and a Moscow Mule, even going so far as to try each other's beverage. Jim found out there was real Romulan Ale and was over the moon! Sulu stuck to saké but as the evening progressed had them all staring as he graduated to saké bombs.

Uhura was singing along with the jukebox when Sulu pointed out the karaoke setup. This was, they all agreed the next day, where the night took a wrong turn.

Uhura sang first, teasing Spock with Oh, On The Starship Enterprise, followed by Know What I Mean. To say she could sing was an understatement. Bones refused to participate. Having been slowly sipping his julep he was, by far, the most sober person there. Scotty, Sulu and Chekhov each had passable voices. They even managed to get Spock to take a turn. (Chocolate acts like alcohol to Vulcans.) He had a surprisingly good voice and chose The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins , explaining that his mother taught it to him while he was reading Tolkien. Incredulity had joined the party.

Then it was Jim's turn. (Romulan Ale is potent stuff. To put it mildly, he was sloshed!) When he took the stage a rambled on about how back home it was Christmas time and shame on them for not choosing Christmas songs to sing! (He was getting quite emotional.) Then he... performed? Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer followed immediately by Jingle Bells. He definitely wasn't singing it. He was, well, words failed to describe it. He was reciting, no, emoting it, and gesturing wildly.

The crew were dazed and confused, shocked and dismayed. They were glassy eyed and slack jawed. Uhura looked like she was in physical pain. How had things gotten so out of hand? (Hint: Romulan Ale.)

Jim had barely finished before passing out cold. He could barely remember any of it later. The rest of them weren't so lucky. It was seared into their brains. Bones had recorded it on his tricorder however. He intended to use it as leverage to get a certain recalcitrant starship captain to get his physicals done on time.

Notes:

I just found out that William Shatner out out a Christmas album. It's called Shatner Claus. It is totally bizarre and totally Bill Shatner. I think it's hilarious. Hubby thinks it's cringe worthy. Decide for yourself and let me know who you agree with!!

 

Rudolph

 

Jingle Bells

 

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

 

Oh, On The Starship Enterprise

 

Know What I Mean

 

All videos from YouTube.

You can't make this stuff up!

 

A Dawa Cocktale and a Moscow Mule both have vodka and lime juice. The difference is that a dawa cocktail also has honey, where a Moscow Mule has spicy ginger beer.

Additional note: The Moscow Mule isn't Russian. It originated in the USA. But we all know that according to Chekov everything originated in Russia!

Saké bomb, two chopsticks are placed parallel on top of a glass of beer, and a shot glass of Saké is placed on top of them. The drinker slams the table with their fists, causing the sake to fall into the beer. It should be drunk immediately, and works best with warm sake.