Archive of Our Own ^beta

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We were friends before we were lovers, but apparently you developed a crush on me when you first laid eyes upon me. I had to laugh when I first heard about it, but I didn’t laugh at you. To be perfectly honest, I found it rather cute.

You put a lot of effort into convincing me you were the one for me, took me out on dates and one time, you even played some cheesy love song on your guitar for me. You gradually made me fall for you. And I wasn’t even gay. I just liked wearing dresses and make-up. Or so I thought at the time.

When we finally got together, when I finally gave in to your persistent attempts to seduce me, I couldn’t have been happier. I never knew a love like this. It was like being thrown into a storm, passionate and dangerous. Sometimes, I could barely take a breath before you were going after me again, were on me again, pinning me against the nearest available surface and having another go at me. I loved every second of it, but to tell you the truth, you exhausted me, wore me out.

Too quickly, the flame died. We fought, more and more often. You were just as passionate and outspoken when you were angry as you were in bed. Red, your colour, representing that exact passion and vigour; I always thought it fit you well.

That last night is something I will never forget. It was painful, but more than that, it was liberating. In a desperate attempt to get you to tell me you loved me one more time, I asked you why you had even gone after me in the first place, what it was that made you seduce me and make me fall in love with you. You shrugged and said in a voice so bare, so devoid of emotion that it broke my heart into a million pieces, “I always liked pretty things.”

I realised then that I had been your accessory. You put me on like a bracelet; something shiny on your arm to show off to your friends. I wasn’t even hurt, or at least, I couldn’t feel the pain through the shock that filtered through me.

That’s when you left me standing there, in the hallway of my apartment, never to return. And when the door closed with a soft click behind you, instead of breaking down into tears, for the first time in a long time, I was able to take a breath. I’ve been breathing ever since.

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The music pumps loudly through the club, vibrates in the walls and the floor, makes his foot bounce to the beat without him even noticing it. His eyes are on one of his friends on the dance floor, just like they always are when they’re out like this, following the sensual movements of Toshiya’s hips and the way his muscles flex beneath his skin.

Kyo is aware he’s staring, he always is, and he knows the rest of his friends have noticed, too, but he doesn’t care. Instead, he downs another shot of whatever brightly-coloured alcoholic beverage one of the other guys has put in front of him and licks his lips. His head is spinning a little, he’s not used to drinking, especially not hard liquor. And just like that, suddenly, nothing is like it always is, because this time, he gets up and moves onto the dance floor. He fights his way through the mass of people until he’s right in front of Toshiya. The bassist smiles at him, and Kyo reaches out and puts his hand on one swaying hip. Toshiya’s smile turns coy, surprise is reflected in his gaze, but Kyo simply pulls him close and grinds against him in an obvious imitation of what he really wants to be doing, something to do with equal amounts of sweating but far less clothing.

The singer’s other hand reaches out for Toshiya’s short, ebony hair and fists it as he pulls him down. He nips the bassist’s jaw for a moment, then purrs in his ear, “Let me take you home.”

With a bright grin, Toshiya turns his head slightly to catch the older man’s lips with his own. They’re out of the club and in a cab in a matter of minutes.

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At this point, Die thinks, what they’re doing can’t rightly be described as dancing anymore. It’s devolved to dry-humping each other out here on the floor, grinding and occasionally groping at one another, with the odd kiss in-between. People are looking at them and in the beginning, that was exactly what they had wanted to achieve. But now it seems neither of them cares much about the looks they’re receiving, focussing only on each other and the feelings their actions evoke in them.

They’re not even gay, or at least Die isn’t, but he’s drunk enough to not give a fuck anymore. His whole body is burning with need, he feels the fire consuming him slowly, deliciously, and he wants more, so much more, all of it. Desperately, he clutches the bassist’s ass to pull him closer, then grinds against him and is satisfied when he hears Toshiya moan directly next to his ear.

He isn’t even shocked when Toshiya’s hand sneaks between them and slips into the tight leather pants Die is wearing, desperately trying to stroke the stiff cock hidden inside. His eyes almost cross at the sensation of calloused fingertips on his dick and he arches into the touch, but it isn’t enough, it will never be enough until they’re both naked and sweating in Die’s hotel room, going after each other like wild animals.

Just for tonight, Die thinks, he will be Toshiya’s and Toshiya will be his.

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Our love, if one can call it that, is like a mad rollercoaster. I’ve always hated those things. They make me nauseous.

Most of the time, I feel like drowning in you, and it’s good when it happens in a moment where we’re content and happy with each other. But when it happens while we’re fighting, I try to focus on all the things I love about you and just hang on for the ride. It never works.

So we’re breaking it off with each other all the damn time, only to come running back to one another. The question is, is it because we’re in love or are we just in too deep to turn away? Are we just too used to having each other that we can’t imagine not being together for a longer period of time? I don’t know. I’m not even sure I care.

Nothing matters, nothing else but this, I think as I spread my legs further apart and run my hands through your fiery mane. Tonight, I’ll drown in you willingly. No regrets, even if tomorrow we’re coming apart at the seams again.

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There used to be love in this house, he thinks, bitterly, and suppresses a sob. There used to be love between them, but now they’re over. They used to know each other inside and out, trust one another with their deepest secrets. They used to be best friends, now they seem to have nothing in common anymore.

Staring out of the window, trying his hardest not to cry, the redhead smashes his fist against the glass. He almost expects -- hopes? -- he breaks it, but all he leaves behind is a quickly fading imprint of his hand. Not even a crack to show for his actions. He blinks against the tears that want to well up again, but he can’t keep them at bay, and so they spill over his waterline, smudging his make-up. In his reflection in the window he can see the ugly black streaks they leave behind on his skin and he hates himself for crying, even -- especially -- as he cries harder.

A deep, honeyed voice from behind him jerks him from his dismal thoughts. “Music. The band. Our past. Our future,” Kaoru says, as if he’s making a list, but of what, Die doesn’t know, can’t quite grasp the meaning hidden underneath the words. “Our hearts,” the leader finishes and Die turns around to face him, staring quizzically.

Kaoru holds the younger guitarist’s gaze captive with his own. He keeps his voice low as he starts to explain his train of thought. “You said we had nothing in common. You’re wrong. It’s all those things and more that forever tie us together.”

A strangled sob tears itself from Die’s throat as understanding dawns on him and he all but falls forward, extends his hands and like clockwork, Kaoru is there to catch him before he can fall. It’s the strangest ‘I love you’ Die has ever heard, the weirdest way Kaoru has ever professed his feelings, but it doesn’t matter how he said it. All that matters is that he did.

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He didn’t know how it had happened, how he found himself out here on the floor when he didn’t usually dance, or how it could be that he was actually enjoying himself when he usually felt awkward and out of tune with the music when trying to move his body to it.

He supposed, however, that Die simply grabbing him by the arm and dragging him out here, then proceeding to lock eyes with him and smile this beautiful smile of his was part of the reason why.

In those eyes, he could see his past, his future and everything in-between. But as he opened his mouth to tell Die just that, Die only pressed a warm thumb over his lips and gently shook his head. Shut up and dance, the gleam in those eyes seemed to say, and despite himself, Kaoru obeyed.

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Their eyes met across a crowded club and it was instant attraction. They didn’t exchange many words, barely even uttered their names to each other before they found themselves in a dark alley, lips sucking and nipping, hands groping roughly and tearing at clothing.

Pants shoved down and long legs hooked around his hips, the guitarist all but fucked the pretty boy into the wall, the obscene noises of their conjoined need a testament to what was happening until finally, their moans culminated in almost-screams and then, blissful silence. Slowly, dazedly, they came back to their senses, wordlessly untangled their limbs from each other and righted their clothing. They parted, not expecting to ever meet again.

“Well, colour me surprised,” Toshiya broke the silence between them, a lopsided grin on his lips, as he stood next to the leader of his new band, sharing a cigarette.

Kaoru snorted softly and blew a stream of smoke into the cool night’s air, but otherwise gave no reply. He didn’t know how this would turn out, though when he found himself gently molested by skillful, string-kissed fingers a mere moment later, he willingly gave in to the sensations, all but yearning for the pleasure-pain the lips on his neck promised so sweetly.

No strings attached. Yet.

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I’ve known you since you were still in middle school. You were sweet, but shy, always very quiet. I guess you haven’t really changed in that sense, though once I’ve got you hooked on my kind of music and pulled you into the Visual Kei scene, you started to wear dresses and make-up and it confused the hell out of my poor, teenage body. It took me a while, but eventually I realised I wanted you.

Every time we met, my heart would take up residence in my throat, hammering away there mercilessly. I would think about what it would be like to kiss you when I was lying awake at night, my own hand around my dick the only comfort I could find. You were fourteen years old at the time, I was sixteen, and believe me, I felt like the worst pervert on the planet not only for having such thoughts about another boy, but specifically because you were still a child. Innocent and pure. You never intended to have this effect on me, you didn’t even try to be sexual in any way, and yet my blood sang with desire for you.

The kiss we shared on my seventeenth birthday was anything but innocent. Neither was everything that happened after that kiss. You had me dazed and desperate to a point where I couldn’t help but to taste you, take you, taint you. I took your innocence from you, marked you as my own, and just like that, I knew I was in love with you. It was the natural conclusion, the course of things, or so I thought. In truth, all I had done was abandoning all common sense, all reason as I threw myself into the moment. Did I just not see the pain I caused you, or did I choose to ignore it?

Even today I sometimes think back and wonder where I went wrong, what could have become of us had I just taken a different approach with you. We were so young, too young, and I was so desperate for you, but I know now that I should have taken it slow. If I had stood my ground, if I hadn’t given in to temptation back then, could we have been happy? Would you still love me today?

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Video games. We love them. It’s our favourite pastime, sitting on the couch in the back of the tour bus or in one of our hotel rooms, having a couple of drinks, sharing a couple of joints and trying to best each other in our favourite games. Not to mention having the best time ever, sharing jokes and laughs.

Die and Kaoru are really good at racing games, Shinya’s a Jump-n-Run kinda guy. Everything to do with shooting a bunch of holes through other players is Toshiya’s forte. And me, well… I just love cutting a line through hordes of zombies, the more gruesome or scary, the better. However, we usually play team games or those that have a co-op mode, or just plain race against each other; Need for Speed, Mario Kart, you name it. Not always, though. Sometimes, we just take turns playing whatever each of us feels like playing while the rest watches. As was the case in the particular night I’m going to tell you about, so listen up, because I’m only going to say this once: here’s all your fangirl fantasies coming to life.

Kao can’t really watch me play when I’m having a session of one of my favourites; he gets scared shitless and every time it’s cause for Toshiya and Die to poke fun at him. One time, though, Kaoru was so frightened that he actually hid behind a pillow like a little girl. I remember Die calling him out on it and laughing at him, but Kaoru only gave a whimper in response when normally he would have flipped our redhead off. It was strange enough that Totchi, instead of joining Die in teasing Kaoru, went and pulled the pillow away from our leader’s face and immediately, everything was quiet. Tears. Kaoru. Crying. I couldn’t fucking believe my eyes.

Don’t know what came over me then, but I dropped the game pad, got up and walked over to him. I must have had one of my cute-sy moments the others keep accusing me of having every now and again. Because, believe it or not, I simply walked over there, dropped myself right in Kao’s lap and hugged him. Much to my surprise, he didn’t shove me away. Instead, he kind of buried his face in the crook of my neck and shoulder. I normally don’t allow such intimate contact with others, much less seek it out, not even with my friends, but at that moment, all I could do was try and comfort him by running my hands through his hair and over his back soothingly. Worked like a charm.

Before long, our normally strong and independent leader had calmed down, but he still wouldn’t look up. Out of embarrassment or simply because he was feeling comfortable there in my arms, I don’t really know, though I have my suspicions. You see, we don’t really talk about feelings. We’re dudes. Less chatting, more action, that’s how we’re wired. None of us are different in that regard. Nope, not even Toshiya, who’s often accused of being overly sensitive, and not me either. I pour my feelings into my work until there’s nothing left for me to talk about. The others do the same.

Either way, the situation was the same for a pretty long time, me just perched in Kaoru’s lap, my arms around him, and his face hidden in my sweater. I was beginning to feel slightly uncomfortable, squirming and deliberating how I could get out of this situation as quickly as possible. That was when Die saved me. He was the first to come over and join us. I hadn’t really paid attention to the others up until that point, but apparently Toshiya was gaping at the scene while Shinya tried to ignore it. I could tell that our youngest felt a little out-of-place, uncomfortable, squeamish. That was, until Die sauntered over to where Kao and I were sitting on the floor and took a seat right behind our leader, legs spread out on either side of him. I felt Die’s big hands wiggle in-between mine and Kaoru’s stomachs before the then-redhead put his chin on top of Kaoru’s shoulder and pressed himself close. None of us said anything, though I did glance behind me at Toshiya and Shinya once more.

It only took those two a moment. Well, actually it took Toshiya a moment and Shinya a few longer, but at some point Totchi simply grabbed our drummer’s hand and pulled him along as they made their way over to our pile of bodies. They draped themselves around us and so there we sat for a good, long while, simply… cuddling.

One would think this was a one-off, like a one-night-stand without the sex, that something like this couldn’t possibly happen regularly between the five of us. Well, ready your fangirl squeals, because, ladies, you’re so damn wrong. We’re doing this every time one of us is in distress of any kind. We gather up and cuddle. Hell, I’ve even gotten used to it to a point where I genuinely enjoy it. I swear, these guys broke me.

Right now I’m playing the newest release of Resident Evil with Toshiya sitting right behind me on the floor, his chin resting on top of my head and his arms around my middle. The game is seriously creepy, enough so that even I have to pause every once in a while to take a breather. That’s why Toshiya’s with me, offering comfort.

Kaoru, as per usual, can’t watch at all, but it’s okay, he’s comfortable on the bed Totchi and I are leaning against, his head on Die’s chest and Shinya’s hand in his hair. They’re talking softly, I can’t really make out the words, but I don’t need to. It’s just a bunch of mushy crap, things people like you, our dear horny fangirls, want to put in our mouths when you indulge in your fantasies and write your silly little fanfictions. Don’t think we don’t know about those. Hell, sometimes, we read them just for the fuck of it.

Die addresses me, tells me he thinks I’ve overlooked something in the room I just passed by, just like he always does, and I roll my eyes at his backseating, but grin the next moment, just like I always do. His voice is gentle and soft and when I glance back at him and the others on the bed I can feel the link between the five of us, I can see the I love yous floating on the air around us. We’re a weird, circle-jerking, sorta incestuous family, but that’s cool, right. Right?

Truth be told, I don’t really care what you or anyone else thinks. The five of us are what counts. The five of us. We’re in love and it’s bliss.

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I’m sitting with Die and Shinya in a random club somewhere in Los Angeles. Kyo has already gone back to the hotel, he hates drinking and he’s generally too tired to party hard after a show. There’s a chick perched on Die’s lap and he’s drunk enough not to feel embarrassed or weirded out by the forwardness of the girl, one of his hands is actually on her thigh, so close to slipping beneath the skirt that it’s taunting even me. I grin to myself and mentally cross my fingers for him.

My eyes wander over the crowd of people on the dance floor and at the bar. I can see you chatting animatedly with a stranger. He’s giving you this utterly infatuated look and I know he hopes he’s going to get lucky tonight. I chuckle deep in my throat, loud enough that Die hears and sends me a questioning glance. He follows my gaze and understanding dawns. He smiles somewhat ruefully and turns back to the bird on his lap.

Die’s been there, in the same position the poor stranger is right now. Falling for your game, pursuing you and your little skirt, enticed by the promises falling from your blood-red lips. When I first met you, I almost fell for it as well, but something else held me back. I can’t even say what it was that made me not give in and fall for your little game, but I could tell you were disappointed. Maybe that’s why you joined the band in the first place. To get your revenge on me, make me fall in love with you only to break my heart?

It’s a silly thought and I push it aside, you’re not a vindictive person, you only want to play. And yet, it doesn’t matter to you how many broken souls you leave behind when you’re done with them.

I watch you turn away from your recent victim, a coy smile on your lips that’s so fake I’m wondering how in the hell the guy is falling for it. But he follows you like a good little puppy and I can feel myself swelling in my pants just thinking about just what it is you’re going to do to him.

I can almost see it, you and him in the back of an alley or a bathroom stall, you leaning against the wall while he’s kneeling in front of you, eagerly obeying your command to suck you off. He’ll pleasure you until you’re either done or bored with him and then you’ll push him out of your way, climb over the rubble of a broken man that you made of him, and you’ll return to us. To me. I’m the one you want, you don’t have to say it, I know it. But I don’t want to end up like all of those random guys and girls, I don’t want to end up like Die back in the day, desperate for your attention, your love, so I made it clear that you can’t have me.

I’m never going to admit this to anyone, it’s been hard enough to accept it, but in all honesty, my resolve is wavering, only slightly, but a little more each time I watch you break another heart. I’m so scared of what will happen should you ever pick up on it, but by the same token, I’m looking forward to it.

One day, Toshiya, I might give in and let you break me apart like the rest of the world so readily does.