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The first time he ever saw them was when he went to collect Itachi for his first ANBU mission. Itachi was barely in his teens and yet had somehow found his way into his squad – who’d been assigned an assassination mission of all things for their first outing with their new member. Sure, the kid had trained with them so there were no doubts he was skilled enough, but a mission bound to become bloody wouldn’t have been his first option as his ‘welcome to the dark side’. But his meeting with two of what would become his troublesome trio occurred when he made his way inside the Uchiha Clan Head’s House.
It was traditional from floor to ceiling, from the panelling to the tatami mats, and the sliding doors that led to the engawa running around the entirety of the house. “Itachi-chan,” he said, nodding at the fresh-faced jonin. “These are the details for our mission. Thought I’d bring them to you personally, seeing as it’s your first time running with us.”
“Thank you, Kakashi-san,” the kid murmured, still as unfailingly polite as ever. He was oddly robotic in that sense, and alarmingly similar to pretty much every other Uchiha he’d ever met. Only ten times worse. He’d heard the kid had a younger brother too, and he knew without a doubt the kid would probably be moulded into a miniature clone of his brother. Fugaku-sama’s guidance would ensure that no doubt.
“You should read—”
“Get back here!” the high-pitched feminine voice of a child made his ears twitch. “Don’t you dare run away from me you flaming halfwit!”
Kakashi blinked at the utterance of such words in the presence of the esteemed Uchiha Clan Head who sat at the table not more than three meters away from him. Fugaku, to his credit, said nothing, merely taking a sip from the tea brewed by his wife sitting opposite him.
The door was open wide, the peace of the early afternoon broken as two sets of footsteps sounded. Kakashi blinked again, and then a small black-haired child ran by with a smug Uchiha smirk.
“You’ll never catch me in that puny mortal skin of yours,” the boy said, snorting as he rounded the engawa, vanishing from sight just as another tiny figure sprinted past. In that moment Kakashi was confused and rather alarmed. Not because of the pink hair, or those wide jade green eyes, but because of the gigantic gleaming longsword hefted above her head, ready to strike.
That didn’t look blunted. In fact, it looked incredibly sharp…
“You seem to forget you are also stuck inside a similar puny mortal skin, and I will be more than happy to help you discover how very mortal it really is if you do not shut that infernal mouth of yours and cease this troublesome rampage immediately!” the pinkette yelled, vanishing from sight just as quickly.
“NEVER!”
Mikoto cooed at the empty spaces they’d occupied only moments before. “I’m so glad Sasu-chan’s finally made a friend…”
Kakashi stared at her blankly. That was the Uchiha equivalent of friendship? Chasing people around with swords? For once in his life, he was absolutely grateful Obito was an anomaly amongst the Uchiha. He wouldn’t want to have to endure a far more stab-happy Gai running about after him cheerfully. That would’ve been a nightmare and a half.
“Well, just read through that Itachi-chan, and if you have any questions I’ll be in the Jonin Lounge,” he said quickly, eager to escape the madness of the Uchiha Compound. God he hoped it wasn’t infectious. The smell of something burning hit his nose, and he recoiled, plans to leave the house aborted by the worry about fire.
“Otouto has set himself on fire again,” Itachi murmured blankly, blinking blandly as the sounds of a water jutsu being unleashed met their ears. “Otou-sama, when will his fireproof clothing be ready?”
Fugaku’s eye twitched. “Next week. In the meantime…” he trailed off, choking on his lukewarm tea, and his youngest son strode proudly into the house, completely starkers.
“What are you peasants staring at?” Sasuke scoffed, folding his arms as if he was perfectly content with being in the buff in front of his family members and a complete stranger. “It’s nothing you all haven’t seen before, though if you wish to complement me please do so in the next thirty seconds.”
“Sasu-chan, Sakura hasn’t seen that before, sweetheart, and she’s a sweet little innocent girl—”
Sasuke snorted. “That pointy eared elven princeling? Innocent? Sweet?”
Kakashi vaguely wondered what would happen after those thirty seconds were up, not bothering to ask about everything wrong with what the boy had just said. Nobody else was, so why should he? he mused, clicking his tongue. Perhaps Fugaku would finally intervene, or Itachi would ask his little brother to put some pants on nicely. It was safe to say he wasn’t expecting the tiny little pink-haired slip of a girl to wrestle some onto him with absolutely no shame or hesitancy.
Neither of them could be older than seven, and they were both most definitely in the academy judging by their moves.
Silently, he pitied whoever became their sensei.
Five years later he pitied himself. Immensely.
He’d assigned them the bell test and was quietly praying they’d show no form of teamwork whatsoever so the Hokage, his precious sensei, couldn’t convince him to pass the little devils. He didn’t care how badly Kushina took the news. Uzumaki Naruto was an idiot and prankster of the highest calibre. It didn’t take long for him to fall into numerous traps. Then he focused on who he assumed to be the biggest threat – Uchiha Sasuke. He was well aware about the boy’s tendency to set himself on fire – the flames of which he called his sacred fire. He was prepared for all the fire jutsu, as well as the alarming proficiency he had with a gigantic black axe.
He wasn’t prepared for Sakura to attack him at the same time.
“He is my enemy to defeat, you fool, even if he is the single most irritable being on this continent… and even if he refuses to leave me alone, like the annoying cockroach he is,” she yelled, deflecting his kunai and shuriken with the large gem encrusted silvery shield she carried. “You know not what he is capable of! Flee, quickly!” she ordered as if he wasn’t one of the highest ranking shinobi in the village. “Else I shall make you leave.”
Kakashi blinked, ducking under the flaming whip that soared over his head, barely avoiding the longsword slicing through the air towards him. Weren’t each of those weapons a bit outdated? Since when were shinobi knights that ran around with silvery armour and shields? He stared between them in abject horror. Since when did shinobi set themselves on fire without regards for their clothing or weaponry?
In the words of his sensei, those two were going to be his problem tadpoles.
He just knew it.
And there was only supposed to be one problem tadpole per team…
And he’d been expecting it to be Naruto…
“Just because you’re on Sasuke-kun’s team doesn’t mean you’ve won!”
Kakashi kept his nose in his book as the Yamanaka Heiress started an argument with Problem Tadpole Number One. Nothing to do with him, and if it came to it, Asuma would be able to drag his student away before his silvery-armoured puppy decided to bite.
Sakura blinked. “My apologies, my lady, but might I enquire as to what it is exactly you think I have won?”
“You aren’t winning!”
Kakashi flicked a page in his book, engrossed in Jiriya’s work. He might not have been the best at writing the intimate scenes, but plot was something he could definitely put in the swarms of ink. What should he have for dinner? he wondered. It was team dinner night, and he was hosting the three little munchkins.
“I will win Sasuke-kun’s heart!” Ino declared, pointing her finger in Sakura’s face.
Sakura blinked again. “Oh, so you wish for his heart…”
Kakashi felt shivers run down his spine, and he looked up from his book, sighing as he heard the sound of a sword being drawn. Somehow he already knew where this was going… and he’d only been their sensei for three weeks. Shudders coursed through him. He was being converted to their mad ways – inducted into their weird cult, along with Naruto. Kakashi loved Naruto. Naruto was normal. Naruto didn’t burst into fire at inopportune times. Naruto didn’t try and stab his teammates to varying degrees of success. He’d run an ungrateful Sasuke to the hospital more times than he could count after his and Sakura’s ‘light’ spars.
“Sasuke, stay still and let me remove your heart… Lady Ino wishes it so.” Sakura brandished her longsword and a shorter dagger, her shield slung across her back. “She is no match for you, so I shall claim it in her stead.”
Problem Tadpole Number Two burst into flames, and Kakashi tucked his book away. He didn’t particularly want it to get burnt. Replacing them constantly was horribly expensive. He glanced at his flaming student, before eyeing the sword pointing at him. This was going to be a long day.
Who was he kidding?
Every day was a long one. A long, painful, excruciating one.
“Kakashi.” Minato smiled at him from behind the Hokage’s desk. It was that sunny smile. The one which said he was silently plotting his death. “Why have I received reports of twenty different counts of property damage in regards to Team Seven?”
He smiled sheepishly back, tilting his head in a way his sensei had always described as cute. “Give us an out of village mission?”
“Well, there is one to the Land of Waves…”
Naruto breathed out a sigh of relief behind him at the chance to escape. “Oh thank god…”
Naruto was terrified of the killing intent Zabuza was emitting, his body shaking like a leaf, and Kakashi scowled from where he was. He was trapped in a damned water prison, and his students were— Kakashi blinked. Wait, why was he scared for them again? He glanced at his captor, feeling a sudden immense surge of pity as Problem Tadpole Number Two became a human torch. Again. Problem Tadpole Number One simply unsheathed her blade, looking completely blasé, as if she casually battled S-Ranking Shinobi every misty morning. Well, it was Problem Tadpole Number One he was talking about there… He didn’t keep tabs on exactly what his students did while he slept peacefully. That would be too much work, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
Kakashi sighed, feeling a prickle in his spine as two new killing intents joined the fun battle. He felt sorry for Naruto trapped in the thicket of things out there…
Of course his problem tadpoles would work out just how to unleash killing intent when it really mattered. He shivered. And what a terrifying killing intent it was.
He really loved his little murderous gremlins, even if he couldn’t control them for the life of him. They were so adorable when they got riled up at other people.
“I sighed you up for the chunin exams!” he sung, smiling at Naruto as fire and longsword battled in the background. “Don’t forget to tell Sakura-chan and Sasuke-kun to be there bright and early tomorrow.”
“Sensei…” Naruto whimpered, eyeing the battle behind him, flinching whenever the fiery whip came too close for comfort. “Can’t you tell them?”
“Nope!” He vanished in a puff of smoke.
Kakashi’s heart pounded in his chest. Orochimaru was in the forest. He was on a completely different level than Zabuza, and he had completely different goals. He was after Problem Tadpole Number Two, and Kakashi refused to let him accomplish his goals. Problem Tadpole Number Two was his precious flaming murder gremlin. He leapt through the trees, silently praying he wouldn’t be too late. He couldn’t be too late. He wasn’t Obito.
“You dare to try and defile me with those teeth, foolish mortal?”
He skidded to a stop, blinking as Sasuke’s voice rang through the air close by. Sure, they’d scared Zabuza a bit, but Orochimaru was a whole other ballgame. They didn’t have the battle experience to take on one of the legendary Sannin.
“What a fool…” Sakura’s voice sounded, and the bored tone told him everything he needed to know. His two problem tadpoles would be just fine.
Where was Naruto? Kakashi backed away, desperately searching for his third student, relief coursing through him when he spotted the blonde mop and the garishly orange jumpsuit. A flaming whip sliced through the trees over his head. He was so proud. Sasuke had learnt how to avoid both him and Naruto when battling with his fiery whip.
“Sensei…” Naruto croaked feebly.
Kakashi stared in horror as Orochimaru revived the First and Second Hokage – Senju Hashirama and Uchiha Madara. His sensei was trapped in the purplish barrier with them, and he couldn’t reach him. Minato-sensei was Hokage for a reason, but both his opponents were also Hokage. Two of the arguably most powerful shinobi to ever have existed.
“Sensei!” Obito yelled.
“Stay back, Obito!” Minato yelled. “At least with the barrier up they can’t run rampant in the village.”
“I’ll work out how to bring it down,” he called, biting his lip. “Kushina will kill me if I do nothing…”
A flaming whip slammed into the barrier and it shattered like glass. He really shouldn’t have been surprised. It was Problem Tadpole Number Two – king of any kind of flaming attack, more so with his fiery whip. Sighing, he glanced over at the other rooftop where the flaming attack had come from. To anybody else’s eyes it might’ve looked like two teammates fighting together against numerous opponents.
Kakashi knew better.
It was two teammates battling each other, whilst battering any other sort of interference out of the way. He sighed again. He might get in trouble thanks to their antics… again. Still, at least he could do something about the undead shinobi battling his sensei now, he mused.
He knew something was wrong the second space warped around them. Kakashi swallowed, eyeing the figure which appeared out of nowhere. His hair was silvery grey, just like his own, his eyes a bright grey and unfathomably old as he stood there with his two suspiciously non-struggling students casually tucked under his arms. “My apologies,” the voice was smooth and clear. “These two slipped from my halls and seem to have brought chaos to your world. Rest assured I will be taking them back with me now.”
Kakashi blinked, and then he vanished, taking his two problem tadpoles with him.
Obito blinked. “Did… what the hell just happened?!”
Kakashi mulled over the words spoken, piecing them together in an instant like the genius he was. “Huh… so they weren’t from this world,” he mumbled, thinking back on his time with the pair of them.
“WHAT?” Obito stared at him like the clueless idiot he was.
One hand rested on his masked chin. “You know, that actually explains a lot…”