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Chapter Text

***

A fair while after the Apocalypse was averted.

***

February 2015.

***

Aziraphale was sat in the backroom of his bookshop with a book in hand and a glass of wine sat on the table beside him. He was so engrossed in the book he was reading that he didn’t notice the beam of blue light that shot down from the ceiling onto the floor before him.

“Good morning, Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale let out a startled yelp and dropped his book. “Oh…er, hello!”

“It is I, the Metatron.”

“Oh! What a lovely surprise!” Aziraphale said with a forced jolliness. He was painfully aware that the last time they had spoken had been at the airbase when he had interrupted the Metatron’s conversation with the Antichrist in order to poke holes in his argument. “How are y-”

“Listen. Aziraphale. We’ve all been thinking and it’s about time for some changes to how things are run. Some improvements.”

“Okay…” said Aziraphale slowly.

“We are doing some restructuring. Briathos is innovative. We think having him on Earth in a permanent position will be beneficial to the cause.”

Although Aziraphale vaguely recognised the name, he did not know Briathos all that well. He hoped that they would get along okay, especially if they were required to work together.

“Er… Okay. Well, that sounds great. Having two angels with permanent positions on Earth will-”

“No. You misunderstand. There will still only be one angel on Earth in a permanent fashion. You are to take up your old position guarding the Eastern Gate. You were very good at that. I think you’ll enjoy it. Just like old times.”

Aziraphale felt like he had just been punched in the gut. He stared into the light, horrified. “But, really, I mean-”

“It’s been decided.”

“But I… I make a real difference here! I do good things and I can thwart like anything!”

“It is felt that you have become a bit… complacent. You are too close to that demon.”

Aziraphale tried desperately to explain. “No! You don’t understand, we just have this little Arrangement you see-”

“Yes. An agreement that you don’t meddle in his affairs?”

“No no no! He doesn’t meddle in my divine plans! And I can veto anything he comes up with. He listens to-”

The Metatron sounded annoyed. “We need someone who is going to fight the forces of evil, not make deals with them. It is final, Aziraphale. It is time for someone else to have a turn. You are to return to Heaven immediately.”

“What? Now?! But…” He couldn’t leave now, Crowley would have no idea what had happened to him. He had to say goodbye. He couldn’t bear to just abandon him without a word. “I need to sort out my affairs first. The bookshop-”

“No!” the Metatron boomed angrily. “I have heard this from you before! You were told to return to Heaven to join the ranks of our army, but instead I found you still on Earth. And you argued with me, Aziraphale! In front of Beelzebub! In front of the Anti-christ!”

“I…sorry…”

“I don’t want to hear it! You are lucky I decided to forgive your insolence and not escalate the matter to a disciplinary.”

“Er… thank you.”

“Your replacement will take over the shop. He will deal with that demon. If you do not step into the light in the next ten seconds I shall be very upset!”

“Right! Right!” Aziraphale whimpered fearfully. He leapt to his feet, grabbed his wine and downed it in one gulp and then all but sprinted into the light and was gone.

***

Crowley walked into Aziraphale’s bookshop. It was late afternoon and they had plans to go out for dinner.

He spotted a customer who was leaning against a bookshelf reading one of Aziraphale’s books. Crowley was surprised that Aziraphale had not gotten rid of this guy yet, especially considering the way he was bending the book’s spine which made even Crowley wince.

“This is not a library,” Crowley informed him as he strolled past. He moved towards the desk at the back of the shop. “Aziraphale?”

The angel wasn’t at his desk. Crowley assumed that he was in the back room or in a corner somewhere sorting through his books. “Angel?”

Crowley turned around and jumped when he realised the customer was suddenly standing right beside him.

“He’s not here,” the man said with a smile that was halfway to becoming a smirk.

“What? Who the hell are you?” Crowley asked angrily.

“I’m Briathos. Aziraphale has been called back to Heaven.” He was full-on smirking now, a cruel glint in his eye. “He’s not coming back. I’m his replacement. I’m in charge now.”

Crowley felt as though the world was falling away beneath him. He was speechless for a moment as the words sunk in. “What do you mean he’s not coming back? Why?”

“Why?” The new angel laughed. “Why do you think? He’s a liability! He helped avert the apocalypse! He’s been fraternising with the enemy for the past 6000 years, ever since Eden! It’s honestly a wonder that Management have taken this long to finally take action against him.”

It had been years since they had saved the world and Crowley had honestly thought they had gotten away with it. His side were pretending it hadn’t even happened and upstairs seemed to be doing the same. He had thought they were safe. Adam had told them they were safe, he had told them not to worry.

Briathos leaned closer, enjoying the panic on the demon’s face. “He’s in deep trouble now, I dare not think what they have in store for him. I would almost feel sorry for him but then again he has brought this on himself. He deserves to be punished.”

“Shut up, you little shit!” Crowley shouted, furious and terrified. He felt like he was trapped in a nightmare. What were they going to do to Aziraphale? He couldn’t bear the thought of it.

Briathos tutted. “Language,” he said with a little chuckle, as though Crowley’s anger was funny. “You are not going to get an easy ride anymore. I don’t make deals with demons, unlike some people.”

Crowley took off his sunglasses and got right up in Briathos’s face, golden snake eyes boring into cold grey. “You’re going to regret coming down here. I’m going to make your existence a living hell!”

“Really? Good luck with that.” Briathos did not appear in the least bit intimidated, in fact he just looked bored. “Now if you don’t mind, I’m very busy. I’ve got several buyers interested in this little shop-”

“You’re not going to sell Aziraphale’s shop!” Crowley spluttered.

“It’s not Aziraphale’s shop anymore, it’s mine. Everything that once belonged to him is now mine. There are plenty of interested buyers. I’ll probably sell all these books too, or just destroy them.”

Crowley couldn’t believe what he was hearing, Briathos was systemically erasing any evidence that Aziraphale had ever been on Earth. Crowley believed with a desperate optimism that Aziraphale would somehow return to Earth, back to his books, back to his shop, back to him. Aziraphale had to come back.

“You have no idea what you’re up against! I’m responsible for the M25! I have so many evil ideas up my sleeve – things I have been holding back because I knew Aziraphale would complain – but that doesn’t matter now! Now I can do whatever I want! I am going to tarnish and ruin every soul in the UK and there’s nothing you can do to stop me-”

“What? And you think that will get you your precious Aziraphale back? Do you really think Heaven will just swap us over again? Nothing you do will give you a happy ending with your little angel.”

“I don’t care about him!” Crowley lied. He had to lie because he couldn’t let this bastard know just how much Aziraphale meant to him. “All I care about is making your pathetic little existence miserable.”

“You know, it’s silly isn’t it? Us both on Earth, you tempting humans, me thwarting you and saving their souls. I miss the old times, where I’d have just killed you.”

Crowley stared at him and quickly forced a grin onto his face. “Ha! I’d like to see you try!”

He really really wouldn’t.

Crowley stormed out of the bookshop, shouting insults over his shoulder as he went. He got into the Bentley and quickly drove around the corner and parked so that the replacement angel couldn’t see him.

He rested his forehead against the steering wheel of the car and tried to calm down.

Crowley had been terrified of repercussions from Hell. They had threatened him when they had first realised that Warlock was not the antichrist, they had told him that he would get a chance to explain everything whilst interesting things happened to him. His own imagination had supplied many horrible scenarios, but ultimately they had been promising two of his least favourite things: Torture and public speaking.

He had always thought Aziraphale would be okay. Maybe a stern telling off but that would be it.

They were punishing Aziraphale.

But why after all this time? What had changed to make them take action now? What punishment was he facing?

Crowley’s imagination was running wild. He knew how cruel and sadistic some angels could be. Many were capable of hurting someone with a horrific self-righteousness fury whilst believing that what they were doing was divine justice.

Crowley felt responsible. It was his fault, he had convinced Aziraphale to help him stop the apocalypse. They should never have become so close to each other. They should never have been friends.

He angrily hit the steering wheel several times then sat up. He had to do something to help Aziraphale. There had to be something he could do.

Adam. He could help. He had powers.

It was the only thing he could think of.

He drove to Lower Tadfield, doing no less than 100mph the entire way and came to a screeching halt outside of the Young family home. He knocked on the door and a middle aged lady answered.

“Hello?” she said.

“Er… is Adam about?”

“Who are you?

“Crowley. Anthony Crowley,” he said, accidently feeling a little bit like James bond but being too worried to actually enjoy it.

The name clearly did not ring any bells with the woman, but then again it was not as though Adam would have been regaling his parents with tales of the angel and the demon he met.

“Adam doesn’t live here anymore, he moved out a few years ago.”

Of course he had. He’d be a young man now.

“Can you give me his address?” Crowley asked desperately.

There was a short pause in which it became apparent to Crowley that Adam’s mother did not want to give away her son’s address to a complete stranger. “He’s gone away on holiday but he said he would ring me when they land. Can I pass on a message?”

Dammit. Why was the antichrist always so hard to find. “Um yes…” He paused as the lady grabbed a pen and paper from a side table. He repeated his name and gave her his mobile number. She scribbled them down.

“Tell him… tell him I’m worried about Aziraphale.”

“About what? How do I spell that?”

He resisted the urge to take the pen and paper from her and write it himself. “Tell him I’m worried about the angel.”

She looked up at him like he was mad. “Okay.”

She wrote it down.

He got back into the car and just sat there for a while, staring miserably into the distance until he realised that the woman was watching him suspiciously from the window. He drove away.

He put on some music to try to help calm his nerves.

‘Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters’

He interrupted the song to do something he rarely chose to do. He contacted Hell.

“CROWLEY? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

“Hi! Er… so there’s a new angel. Briathos. Aziraphale has gone back to… er. He’s been replaced… I don’t suppose you know anything about what’s going on?”

“WHAT? THEY HAVE REPLACED THEIR OPERATIVE? THAT’S WEIRD. THANKS FOR LETTING US KNOW. WE’LL UPDATE OUR FILES.”

They knew even less about it than he did. “You’ll let me know if you find out anything…” he stopped. They had already hung up on him.

The music started up again.

‘Body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind.’

He turned the music off and drove the rest of the way home in silence and tried not to think about what horrors Aziraphale was facing.

***

This was absolute torture.

Aziraphale sat idly in the grass beside the Eastern Gate and sighed. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this bored.

Surely guarding the Eastern Gate hadn’t been this boring 6000 years ago, had it? He had fond memories of those days. Perhaps it was just because his life on Earth had been so fun and this just seemed boring in comparison.

But no, Adam and Eve used to be here. And Crowley. They had made things interesting but now he was here all alone. He would get a handful of angelic visitors each day but they were more interested in wandering around the beautiful gardens then they were in talking to him.

Aziraphale felt very lonely. He got the impression that the other angels thought he was a bit weird and didn’t want to talk to him. To be fair though, that wasn’t anything new. Maybe that was why he’d been so ready to talk to Crowley when the serpent had first slithered up beside him so long ago.

He missed Crowley so much. Sometimes they went weeks without seeing each other but that was different, he had always known he could see Crowley anytime if he really wanted to, and now he didn’t even know if he would ever see the demon again.

He missed Earth. He missed his books, his shop, listening to good music, getting manicures, going to the barbers, going clothes shopping, going out for dinner…

Food! Oh God, how he missed food. His angelic form, unlike his physical form on Earth, was unable to eat or taste. Yet the Garden of Eden was full of food - fruit and vegetables - he could see it all and he craved it. He would kill just to be able to eat one single strawberry.

He missed his human body so badly but he was not allowed it here, even in Eden which existed on the outskirts of Heaven so tantalisingly close to the Earth.

His divine body was unable to do lots of things, no matter how much he tried to alter it. It couldn’t sleep. He’d never been a massive fan of sleep - that had always been more Crowley’s thing - but Aziraphale liked to nap occasionally, mostly just because he enjoyed having dreams, they were fascinating. He wished he could sleep now, it would be something to do.

His angelic form was sexless and for thousands of years his human body had been sexless too. He had looked down on lust, it caused so many problems amongst humans and he had felt that he was better off without something so inherently sinful. He had, foolishly, felt that sexuality was beneath him.

Then he actually decided to give it a go. Well, the end of the world was coming up, and he had known that once their side inevitably won he would not be able to change his angelic body in that way. He had wanted to try it, on his own of course, just once. He wanted to know what it felt like.

Oh, but had been divine. Sexuality was a gift from God, not a curse. He didn’t know why he had wasted so many centuries not doing this. He didn’t leave his bedroom for a month except when he got hungry.

There had been problems of course, like how does one go about their day with one of those casually in their trousers? And sexuality comes with its own set of turn-ons and insecurities which quite took him quite off guard.

Also, he had a massive crush on Crowley but he thought he was doing a pretty good job of keeping that a secret. Crowley didn’t even know that he had a sex-drive, let alone that he wanted him.

Before making the effort, Aziraphale had been afraid that Crowley would somehow find out and try to tempt him with his demonic wiles. Now, he was afraid that he wouldn’t.

Aziraphale doubted that Crowley would be attracted to him like that, but it wasn’t until after he became sexual that he started doubt his attractiveness in that way. Crowley was all suave, sexy coolness and could have anyone he wanted. He just looked like a stuffy librarian.

He felt sure that Crowley would be unable to contain his laughter if he found out that he, an angel, felt desire, especially if he knew it was aimed towards him.

And now, it didn’t matter because it was too late. He would never know what it felt like to have sex with anyone, least of all Crowley. He was probably going to spend the rest of his miserable existence here in Heaven.

If he ever got back to Earth, he would tell Crowley how he felt about him.

Except he’d sort of made that promise to himself before, hadn’t he? At the airbase, as Beelzebub and the Metatron did their level best to urge Adam to trigger the Apocalypse, Aziraphale had felt regret for never having told Crowley how he felt. Crowley might have been willing to sleep with him all along so Aziraphale had decided that if they survived he would confess all.

He hadn’t. He’d been too scared and embarrassed to even tell him he was sexual.

Aziraphale sat pondering all of this, stewing in his own misery, when he heard footsteps approaching. An angel! Someone who he might be able to talk to, maybe even wrangle a bit of conversation from!

Aziraphale jumped to his feet and turned towards the newcomer, he was surprised to find that he recognised him. The angel’s name was Rachmiel. He came to Earth occasionally and would visit Aziraphale in the bookshop to discuss their recent good deeds.

Aziraphale had always suspected that Rachmiel had been sent by Head Office to check up on him, but Rachmiel was always friendly and polite so he had not disliked the visits too much though he was always careful what he said. He’d always felt a little wary of the other angel, but now he wished that he had made a bit more effort to befriend him.

“Hallo, dear boy,” said Aziraphale hopefully.

“Good Morning,” said Rachmiel, “I heard you were back on the Eastern Gate, so I thought I’d stop by to say hello.”

Aziraphale beamed.

“How are you finding it? Being back on the gate?” Rachmiel asked.

“Oh… er, it’s great. Really great.” Aziraphale said, forcing a smile.

“Glad to hear it.” Rachmiel looked him up and down. “It’s strange to see you in robes instead of your human clothing. And with your wings out.”

“Ah, yes. I do feel odd not wearing a bowtie.”

Rachmiel leant against the wall. “I’ve heard they are not letting you back on Earth? Even for a visit?”

“That’s right,” said Aziraphale sadly.

“Well that sucks. I hope they’ll change their minds.” Rachmiel glanced around and then leant closer. He lowered his voice. “To be honest, I think it was a bit rude, the way they just dragged you back here like that, after all the good work you have done on Earth.”

“Well… er… they’re restructuring so-”

“Is that what they told you? Restructuring my a- derriere!” Rachmiel snorted. ”This is all Briathos’ doing, he’s been after your job for centuries. He’s been pestering Gabriel non-stop, especially after the failed Great War - that just gave him more ammunition. I think Gabriel only gave him the job in order to shut him up.”

“Oh,” said Aziraphale, genuinely surprised. “I thought it was the Metatron’s idea.”

“Nah, he doesn’t worry himself with us lot. He has bigger fish to fry, whatever they are.” Rachmiel turned to Aziraphale and grinned, a glint in his eye. "Aziraphale, I've been meaning to ask you, there's been this rumour going around…"

Aziraphale tensed, fearing what the angels might have been saying about him.

“On the day when Armageddon was supposed to happen, did you really argue with the Metatron?”

Aziraphale hesitated. “Argue is a strong word. It was more of a debate.”

Rachmiel laughed. “You never fail to surprise me, Aziraphale. I wish I’d been there.”

Aziraphale smiled.

“We’ll see how Briathos gets on anyway. If he’s terrible they’ll swap you back again.”

“Do you really think so?” Aziraphale asked excitedly.

“Sure. He’s still on probation. This is just a trial.”

“The Metatron never told me that.”

“I’m surprised Gabriel didn’t tell you at least.”

“He never tells me anything,” Aziraphale said bitterly.

Rachmiel shrugged. He turned to Aziraphale thoughtfully. “Briathos always said that the Arrangement you had with that demon was a bad idea, but personally I always thought it was a pretty smart way of keeping that creature under control. What’s going to stop it from causing chaos now? Well, if the demon does ruin Briathos’s plans, that’ll help you get your job back at least.”

“Poor Crowley. I do hope he’s alright.” Aziraphale said sadly. “I never even got a chance to explain what was happening, he must think I vanished without a trace.”

Rachmiel gave him a stern look. “You see that demon through rose-tinted glasses. They are dangerous, you should be very careful around it.”

“Crowley’s not so bad really,” Aziraphale said, annoyed by the way Rachmiel was talking about his friend.

“Those creatures can never truly be tamed,” Rachmiel warned.

“Crowley isn’t a… a dog!” Aziraphale snapped. “And Crowley is a he, not an it!”

Rachmiel gave a surprised laugh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend. You really are quite fond of that demon, aren’t you?”

Aziraphale stared at the floor.

Rachmiel sighed. “I’m sure this Crowley will bump into Briathos at some point. He goes to your shop sometimes, right? Briathos is bound to explain the situation.”

“Oh, I hope they won’t be at each other’s throats,” worried Aziraphale.

“I’m going to Earth shortly, I’ll check in on Briathos while I’m there and see how things are going.”

“Could you let Crowley know what’s going on, please?” Aziraphale pleaded. He realised instantly that he’d made a mistake.

“Are you mad?” Rachmiel said furiously. “I’m not going to talk to a demon.”

“I… sorry. Of course not. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m just ever so worried, that’s all.”

Rachmiel rolled his eyes and sighed. “Listen. If you want to write a letter, I’ll get it to him. How’s that?”

“Oh thank you! Please! I’ll give you his address and you can drop it off-”

“I’ll post it, Aziraphale. I’m not going to a demon’s abode.”

“Oh! Yes, of course, silly me.” Aziraphale laughed awkwardly. He waved a hand and a quill and paper appeared.

Aziraphale held his pen over the paper, ready to write ‘Dear Crowley’ at the top of the page but he hesitated. What if Rachmiel read it? What if he just took the letter straight to Briathos and they read it together and laughed at him. He wanted to trust Rachmiel but doubt gnawed at him.

He pushed his paranoia away.

He scribbled down a letter quickly, put it in an envelope and sealed it. A postage stamp appeared on the corner of the envelope. Aziraphale handed it over to Rachmiel who smiled as he placed it into the folds of his robes.

***

Chapter Text

***

Rachmiel stood outside of a cinema looking up with eager interest at a sign in the window listing the films being shown.

This was his secret pleasure.

Of course he came to Earth to do good deeds and to help steer humanity in the right direction, but mostly he came so frequently because he loved to watch films.

Ironically, Crowley was responsible for much of television and cinema, and without his influence many of Rachmiel’s favourite films would not exist. Rachmiel did not know this and would be mortified if he ever found out.

Cowboy films were Rachmiel’s favourite. The first of that genre that he had seen was The Great Train Robbery, in 1903. In this film and many since, the villains wore black hats and the heroes wore white hats. It was a clever device which helped to visually identify which character was which in a grey-scale film. Rachmiel liked the symbolism of it, the good versus the evil. He liked that the good side always won.

He liked Star Wars and Lord of the Rings for much the same reason.

Westerns were far different nowadays to the films he remembered, but he always felt a buzz of excitement whenever a new one came out. He saw Wild Wild West in 1999 and while it had not been what he had expected, and lacked the charm of his old favourites, he did enjoy the giant robot spider.

After seeing a film at the cinema he liked to visit Aziraphale. They would discuss their recent good deeds and then Rachmiel would get down to the real reason he went there, so that they could chat together about films. Aziraphale liked movies almost as much as he did.

Whenever Rachmiel tried to talk to the angels in Heaven about the films he liked, they just got a glazed look in their eyes and tried to change the subject, or they told him the movie sounded a bit too violent and was certainly infernally tainted. Personally, Rachmiel thought it was a bit rich of the warriors of Heaven with their flaming swords to complain about a movie having too much violence in it.

Rachmiel liked Aziraphale. He was always chatty and friendly. Rachmiel had often been tempted to invite Aziraphale along to the cinema with him but he didn’t want to make his obsession with film too obvious.

But he had more in common with Aziraphale than just a love of films. Whilst most angels were disappointed that the Great War didn’t take place, Rachmiel was pleased about it and he knew Aziraphale felt the same way. Rachmiel liked Earth and was especially glad that all the cinemas were still in one piece.

However, there was another reason why Rachmiel was so happy that the war never took place and he would never admit this reason to anyone because it made him feel so ashamed.

Back in the days when Adam and Eve were in Eden, had most angels been in Aziraphale’s place, they would have smote the demon Crawley down with their flaming sword. But what did Aziraphale do? He gave his sword away and had a nice chat with the demon instead. That was not considered normal behaviour for an angel. But then again, Rachmiel knew that his reaction to meeting a demon in Eden wouldn’t have been normal behaviour either.

Rachmiel would have screamed with fear, dropped his sword in a panic and fled, desperate to get as far away from the evil terrifying creature as he could.

Rachmiel was terrified of demons. They were monsters, the stuff of nightmares, wild soulless beasts prowling in the night, wanting to cause pain and destruction wherever they went.

When the Army of Heaven had gathered, forming ranks and getting ready for battle on what should have been Earth’s final day, Rachmiel had stood there amongst them clutching his own flaming sword and shaking. He believed with an absolute fanatical certainty that Heaven would triumph over Hell but he also believed that he would be one of the first to die and that he would die a coward, humiliated in front of his brethren. He was a soldier terrified of the enemy and it made him feel worthless and pathetic.

He had never felt more relieved than when they were informed that Armageddon was not going to happen that day after all, and he felt such gratitude to Aziraphale for standing up for Earth in front of the Metatron and for helping the antichrist to see sense.

Rachmiel picked a film that started in a few hours and decided he would visit Briathos first. He had not spent much time around him and did not know him very well, though he had heard he could be a bit arrogant. Nevertheless, Rachmiel hoped that they would get along.

***

The bell above the door rang as Rachmiel entered the bookshop.

“Hello, Briathos,” Rachmiel said warmly.

Briathos was sitting at his desk. He glanced up from his paperwork. “Oh, it’s you. What are you doing here?”

“I just thought I’d stop by and see how you were settling in.”

Briathos ignored him for a moment in favour of sorting through his papers. Eventually he looked up again. “I’m getting on just fine.” He shook his head and sighed. “They really will allow just anyone to come to Earth these days, won’t they? I told them to pay more attention to who they let through, I’ll just have to tell them again. Earth is not a holiday destination for angel kind, you know. There is actual work to be done.”

Rachmiel was speechless for a moment. “But… but I’m here on divine business!”

Briathos rolled his eyes. “Everyone knows you only come to Earth to watch films.”

Rachmiel spluttered, mortified. “Excuse me! I do not!”

Briathos waved a hand dismissively. “I don’t have time for this idle chit chat. If you’ve nothing important to say then you should leave. I am very busy. This shop won’t sell itself.”

“What? You can’t sell Aziraphale’s shop!”

“Of course I can. It’s my shop now.”

“No, it isn’t. You’ve not even passed probation yet. You don’t know if you will be allowed to stay in this job or not.”

“Of course I’m going to be keeping this job, I’ve as good as got it already. That ridiculous little snake boy certainly isn’t going to be a problem.”

Rachmiel’s eyes went wide. “You met the demon?”

“Yes. He came in here looking for Aziraphale. It’s not right, an angel and a demon being so friendly. He scuttled off again when he realised that I’m in charge now. What a pathetic creature.”

“He didn’t try to attack you or anything?” Rachmiel asked worriedly.

“No. There was not a chance of that! He’s a coward. A weak and pathetic little worm. Thwarting him is going to be easy. I have this job in the bag.”

“Well,” said Rachmiel curtly, “I’m glad to hear it. I won’t be keeping you any longer.”

“Good. You should go and make the most of the time you have on Earth before they crack down on unimportant visits. I’ve been discussing things with Gabriel. He’s on my side.”

Rachmiel glared at him then angrily left the shop, slamming the door closed behind him. He crossed the road then started walking down the street. He had noticed a red post-box further along as he had come past in a taxi earlier. He could post Aziraphale’s letter.

Seething with anger, Rachmiel walked quickly. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been spoken to so rudely. He thought about what Briathos had said to him and started to worry. What if Briathos really could convince their superiors to stop allowing his visits to Earth? He would miss his little outings so badly.

He reached the post-box and took the letter out of his coat pocket. He turned it over in his hands.

The temptation to read what an angel had written to a demon was almost overwhelming. It would be easy to open the envelope, have a quick peek and then wish the envelope sealed again. No one would ever know, and as an angel wouldn’t it be good for him to check what was in a letter being sent to the enemy? But no, it would be a huge invasion of privacy and he would never be able to look Aziraphale in the eye if he spied on him like that.

His thoughts turned to what Briathos had said about Crowley. It had not even occurred to him that there could be cowardly demons, although now he thought about it, it did explain why Aziraphale felt safe around him. Perhaps it really was true. After all, he himself was afraid of the enemy, so surely there could be demons that were similarly afflicted.

A door closed a little distance away with a loud click. He glanced over at the bookshop and saw Briathos locking the front door. Above the door he noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign and wondered how on Earth he was going to tell Aziraphale about his poor little shop.

Briathos walked a little way down the street to where an expensive looking silver car was parked and climbed in.

Rachmiel stuffed the letter back in his pocket before the car sailed past him, not wanting Briathos to know that he was posting a letter in case he asked questions.

He glowered after the car as it zoomed away and was just about to return his attention to the task at hand when he noticed an old-fashioned black car parked down a side street opposite him. It looked like something out of a Film Noir movie.

Wait. Didn’t Crowley drive a car like that?

Many years ago Rachmiel and Aziraphale had been discussing a black and white detective film that they had each seen. Rachmiel had mentioned that it was a shame that you never saw old cars like the ones in that film nowadays unless they were being used as wedding cars, and Aziraphale had told him that Crowley still drove a black 1920s Bentley.

From that point onwards Rachmiel had nervously watched out for and avoided black vintage cars, scared that they might contain something sinister. Once, when he went to visit Aziraphale in his bookshop, an old Bentley had been parked outside it and so Rachmiel had made a hasty retreat.

The driver’s side door of the Bentley opened and a young man got out.

Rachmiel stared with wide-eyed astonishment at the demon. Crowley did not look anything like how he had imagined. He did not appear threatening nor scary in any way like he had assumed he would, he just looked like a normal human in fashionable clothes with dark hair and sunglasses.

Even so, Rachmiel had never been this close to a demon before and he was afraid. The hair stood up on the back of his neck.

Crowley didn’t seem to notice him. The demon glanced furtively down the street and once the silver car was just a tiny spec in the distance he strolled over to the bookshop. With a wave of his hand the door unlocked and he snuck inside.

Rachmiel was furious. Aziraphale trusted this creature and he repaid that trust by breaking into his property?

Marching across the road and over to the door, Rachmiel wondered what on earth this creature was planning to do. He was worried that the demon was going to set a trap that would hurt Briathos in some way. As much as Rachmiel disliked Briathos, he would not wish harm upon any angel.

Peering in through the glass panel in the door he had a good view of the interior. Crowley was moving about inside the shop with an air of urgency, waving his hands about and vanishing row after row of books from the old, dusty shelves.

Rachmiel was utterly scandalised. Aziraphale was clearly fond of this demon yet here he was destroying his books. Anger boiled up inside of him, fury at the way this creature acted, at Briathos’ rudeness towards him earlier and at the fact that Briathos was trying to stop his visits to Earth.

Briathos’ description of the demon being weak and cowardly rung in Rachmiel’s ears, made him feel brave. If he were to ever face his fear of demons, it might as well be here and now with this spineless one. Clearly, both Aziraphale and Briathos had underestimated Crowley.

The door, already slightly ajar from where the demon had not quite closed it properly, swung wide as Rachmiel shoved his way inside.

“What do you think you are doing, demon!”

Every ounce of bravery and confidence left him as the demon spun around to face him, unnatural snake eyes pierced him with pure rage as the creature let out an animalistic hiss.

“Get out!” Crowley snarled, venom in his voice.

The demon advanced towards him and Rachmiel staggered backwards, almost tripping over himself in his desperation to get away from the monster coming for him, utterly unable to hide the sheer blind terror than tore through him.

He had heard rumours that demons could smell fear, but even if they couldn’t it was written all over his face anyway. He fully expected the demon to take advantage of his obvious weakness, to attack an angel who was so afraid. But it didn’t. The demon steered him out of the doorway and out onto the pavement, then closed the door.

Shaking violently, shocked that he had survived the ordeal unharmed, Rachmiel stood facing the door. He felt paralysed with fear, his heart racing as he stared through the glass panel at the demon who had already returned to wildly waving his hands about and vanishing books.

His fear ebbed slightly as it suddenly occurred to him what Crowley was actually doing. He wasn’t destroying Aziraphale’s books, he was saving them. Either Briathos had told him he was selling the bookshop or the demon had seen the ‘For Sale’ sign hanging outside. Crowley knew how much Aziraphale loved his books, no one could spend more than five minutes with Aziraphale in his little shop and not know.

Rachmiel struggled to make sense of this. Demons were cruel and evil and surely wouldn’t care about some angel’s book collection. This went against everything he believed and yet it seemed the only logical explanation. Why hadn’t the demon hurt him? Why had it spared him? Maybe not all demons were the sadistic monsters he thought them to be.

He still wanted to run away and hide but it felt wrong to just leave this demon in an angel’s base alone. He ought to keep an eye on him and make sure he didn’t do anything awful.

Rachmiel remembered he still had the letter from Aziraphale. He fished it out of his pocket with shaking hands and decided he might as well hand the letter over in person.

Slowly, nervously, he pushed the door open again and took a hesitant step inside.

The demon paused mid arm wave and started to come towards him again. “I told you!”

“Aziraphale sent me!” Rachmiel blurted out nervously. He held the letter up in front of his chest like a shield.

“Aziraphale?” The anger vanished from Crowley’s face immediately and was replaced by a look of worry. “Is he okay? What did they- where is he?”

“This letter! He wanted me to give you this letter!” Rachmiel said quickly.

“Is Aziraphale okay?” Crowley repeated anxiously. He took the letter from Rachmiel’s shaking hands.

“Uh? Yeah? He’s fine.”

The demon seemed confused by this. He tore into the envelope and unfolded the letter. He paused for a moment as though he was preparing himself for something awful. He seemed nervous. Crowley read the letter. He read it again.

This is what the letter said:

Crowley,
So sorry I didn’t get a chance to explain or say goodbye. Everything happened rather suddenly.
Head Office have decided to mix things up a bit and let Briathos have a go in my role, so please give him all the kindness and respect he deserves.
I’m guarding the Eastern Gate now. It’s almost like old times. I’m not sure when I will be permitted to return to Earth again. One of my fellow angels kindly offered to post this letter for me.
Aziraphale.

Crowley looked up at Rachmiel. “Aziraphale is okay?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Briathos told me that Aziraphale was in trouble. He said he’s being punished.”

Rachmiel was shocked. “What? Why did Briathos- No. Aziraphale is absolutely fine. No punishing. He’s not in any trouble.”

Crowley let out a sigh of relief as days of tension left him. “I was so worried. Thank you for bringing me this.” Crowley waved the letter.

“Oh…er. No problem.”

Crowley glanced around the shop at the empty shelves. He gave a bitter laugh. “That lying bastard! He told me he’s going to sell the shop, or was that a lie too?”

“He told me that as well. I think it probably is true.”

Crowley looked disappointed. “I’ll take the rest of Aziraphale’s books then. Just in case. I’ll keep them somewhere safe for him.”

“Oh. Er… yes. Okay.” Rachmiel was bewildered by how easily and casually Crowley was talking to him. The demon was being friendly and it was bizarre.

Crowley skimmed over the letter again and then looked up at the angel. “If I write a reply could you get it to him?”

Rachmiel nodded.

Crowley moved over to the desk. It had some of Briathos’ paperwork on it in a neat pile. He tore a fresh page from a notepad and then grabbed a silver pen from beside the paperwork. He wrote a quick reply, folded the paper in half and held it out towards Rachmiel who hesitantly took it.

“Thanks,” said Crowley.

Rachmiel held the paper like it was contaminated. After a moment he put it in his pocket.

Crowley smiled. “Thank you for helping Aziraphale, it’s good to know someone up there is on his side. Do you think they might let him come back soon?”

Rachmiel shrugged. “I don’t know. I hope so.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

Rachmiel had to stop himself from laughing at the thought of a demon wanting to help. It was absurd. And yet, it occurred to him that there was something Crowley could do to help.

“Well… if Briathos does not perform very well they might reinstate Aziraphale. He is still only on probation. So if you were to… uh…really let loose with all the tempting and whatnot that you do, that would reflect poorly on Briathos. That could help.”

Rachmiel felt guilty. It was not very angelic to want to sabotage Briathos, especially using a demon to do so. Rachmiel told himself that it was because he wanted to help Aziraphale but he knew that it was also for selfish reasons. The next Avengers film, Age of Ultron, was coming out in a few months and he didn’t want to miss it through not being allowed to Earth.

Crowley grinned slyly. “Oh, I’m sure that can be arranged. Briathos will wish he never set foot on Earth.”

“Oh, don’t say that. Please don’t do anything awful,” Rachmiel said anxiously.

“Don’t you worry. You just leave this to me. Aziraphale will be back here with his books before we know it,” Crowley said confidently. “But for now, I’d better save the rest of his collection - before that pillock comes back.”

Crowley went back to waving his arms about and making the books disappear but not before Rachmiel saw him casually pocket Briathos’ silver pen. Despite being afraid of riling the demon he considered calling him out on it. Crowley was stealing and that was just the sort of thing he really ought to thwart, but on the other hand, it was Briathos’ pen and he rather liked the idea of Briathos sitting down to do some paperwork and looking absolutely everywhere for his pen because it had to be here somewhere.

Rachmiel smiled.

After Crowley had finished rescuing books he stepped outside and Rachmiel followed, closing the door firmly behind him.

Crowley turned to face the angel. “Do you think we will see each other again?”

“I don’t know,” said Rachmiel, who had certainly had an interesting time but did not want to repeat any such encounter anytime soon. However, he knew that the choice might be taken out of his hands. “To be honest, Briathos said that he’s been trying to get management to be more stringent on visits to Earth, so if he gets his way I might not be allowed.”

“He sure knows how to ruffle feathers, doesn’t he? What a bellend.”

Rachmiel wasn’t sure what that insult meant but he was certain it wasn’t very kind.

***

Aziraphale was upset. An angel had told him that Briathos was planning on selling his bookshop along with all of the contents, and when he asked Gabriel about this, it became clear that not only had Gabriel known nothing about it but he also didn’t care.

Aziraphale was sat on the floor with back against the wall when Rachmiel approached him.

“What’s wrong?”

Aziraphale looked up at him. “Briathos wants to sell my shop and Gabriel is more than happy to allow it.”

“Briathos told me. I’m sorry.”

“Did you get a chance to post my letter?” Aziraphale asked, trying to distract himself from the fate of his shop and book collection.

“I did one better. I handed it over in person.”

“What?”

“I met your demon friend. He broke into your bookshop while Briathos was out-”

Aziraphale stood up. “He did what! That sneaky serpent! What on Earth was he playing at? If Briathos had caught him-” Aziraphale shuddered at the thought.

“He was stealing your books so that Briathos couldn’t sell them. He said he’s putting them somewhere safe.”

Aziraphale smiled. “Oh, how sweet of him. I’ve always said that there’s some goodness in the old boy.”

“He is a very strange creature. I never thought demons were capable of caring about anything but themselves. He’s not what I expected demons to be like.”

“You have to remember he was an angel once, they all were.”

Rachmiel looked thoughtful. “He had the perfect opportunity to attack me but he didn’t. I know we are in a Cold War and everything - noone wants to start something by taking out an opposite agent - but he didn’t so much as lay a finger on me. And once I said you sent me, he was actually rather friendly. Briathos said he is a coward, but I don’t think he is.”

“Briathos called Crowley a coward?! How dare he! Crowley stood beside me as Satan came for us. He had no more than a tyre iron as a weapon - at least I had a flaming sword! And Briathos calls him a coward?!”

“Briathos also… er. He led your demon to believe that you were in trouble, that you were being punished. I put Crowley straight of course.”

“Punished? That absolute… Briathos is awful. Poor Crowley.”

“Oh!” Rachmiel produced a folded in half piece of paper. “Here. I have a letter from your demon.”

Aziraphale unfolded the letter and immediately recognised Crowley’s scratchy handwriting. Any doubts he had left about Rachmiel’s trustworthiness vanished.

Aziraphale,
I’m glad to hear you are okay.
Briathos is an absolute tosser and I am going to make his life a living hell.
P.S Are you enjoying The Sound of Music yet?
Crowley.

Aziraphale smiled.

Rachmiel looked worried. “Crowley said he would try to help you get your job back by doing lots of tempting and stuff. I wonder how much your alliance was holding him back? What will he do? I mean, he won’t do anything too horrific will he?”

“No, no. Certainly not. He doesn’t have the stomach for anything truly evil. He’s a good egg really.”

“I hope you’re right,” said Rachmiel nervously. “I hate to go against Briathos but I feel he’s brought it on himself. What with the way he’s treating you- then there’s the fact that he’s trying to get Gabriel to crack down on what he considers to be unwarranted visits to Earth. If he stops me going to Earth I’ll be so angry! I can’t bear the thought! And I’m not the only angel this will infuriate, it will put a lot of noses out of joint.”

“You’re telling me.” Aziraphale sighed. “I miss Earth so much. I would give my left leg to be able to eat some sushi.” He paused, a dreamy look on his face. “Oh. And what I would give for a victoria sponge cake with a nice cup of tea.”

Rachmiel frowned. “Huh. I never really saw the appeal of being able to eat and drink like humans. Mouths are for speaking, not shovelling dead things and plants into.”

“Yes, well, you’ve never tried so much as a strawberry, have you.”

“I certainly don’t plan to.”

“If you tried tasting food, I think you’d change your mind. I bet you’d like chocolate. Everyone likes chocolate. A bit of Cadbury’s dairy milk…” Aziraphale looked wistful.

“I’ve never done any of those alterations. I don’t want to try being more human, I’m happy just as I am, being an angel through and through. Have you tried all of the modifications then? Being able to sleep and dream? Having a sex drive? All that stuff?”

“Er…” Aziraphale was embarrassed. He wasn’t sure how much to confess to but Rachmiel was looking at him so earnestly and without any judgement. “Yeah, I’ve tried all of them.”

“What is sleeping like?”

“The best thing about sleep is dreams. But I don’t sleep very often - I just end up thinking about how much I could have gotten done during those hours. Crowley can sleep for days, the lazy devil. Even almost for a century once.”

“What does it feel like to dream, does it feel real?”

“It’s sort of like daydreaming but you don’t realise you’re doing it. It feels real most of the time.”

“Sounds creepy.”

“Yeah, I guess it does.”

“What do you dream about?”

Aziraphale shrugged. “Mostly just normal everyday things.” He dreamt about Crowley a lot but he could never say so out loud, especially considering the sorts of things they did to each other in those dreams.

“What is having a sex drive like?”

Aziraphale blushed. He’d never talked to anyone about his sexuality before. “Er… well. It’s… nice.”

“Everyone is always talking about orgasms. Are they really that great?”

“Who is?” Aziraphale spluttered. He didn’t realise angelic conversation had become so risqué in his absence.

Rachmiel shrugged. “In films. Everyone wants orgasms.”

“Oh! Well. I don’t know what sort of films you’ve been watching...”

“I think they’re described as romantic comedies. So.” Rachmiel persevered. ”Are orgasms really that great?”

“They are, er… agreeable,” said Aziraphale, unable to look him in the eye.

“Sex scenes in films just look… silly. And messy.” Rachmiel’s eyes widened. He stared at Aziraphale. “Have you ever had sex with anyone?”

“What? No! Of course not.”

“Good, I don’t blame you.” Rachmiel looked relieved. “Sex with human females causes all sorts of issues. Just think of the angels and demons that bore Nephilim with human women. Not to mention Satan spawning the Anti-Christ! What a mess. Best not to risk it, even with modern contraception.”

Aziraphale opened his mouth to tell Rachmiel that he was gay then decided against it. It was funny that the one person who knew that he was sexual was also the one person who didn’t automatically assume he was gay.

***

Whistling to himself happily, Crowley drove his car away from the bookshop and headed towards his Mayfair flat. Aziraphale was safe and had an angel to help him. Things were looking up.

Crowley's phone rang and he glanced at it but didn’t recognise the number. He shrugged and answered it anyway.

“Hi. Crowley here,” he said nonchalantly.

“Hi. It’s Adam Young.”

Crowley tensed. He had forgotten he had been waiting for the antichrist to get back to him.

He knew how powerful and potentially dangerous Adam was. He started to regret having bothered him and his mother but he had been feeling so desperately worried about Aziraphale that he would have tried anything to help him.

Crowley found himself babbling. “Adam! Hi! Sorry I troubled you. I was just so very worried about Aziraphale, but I have been told he is okay now, so I guess I was worrying over nothing. Sorry.” He laughed nervously.

“Ah, good, I’m glad to hear he's okay,” said Adam, “The thing is, although I still have my powers they’ve never been as strong as they were that day at the airfield, so I don’t know what's going on with Heaven or Hell, or any of that stuff. When I used my powers to look inside of you and Aziraphale that day, I could sort of see your pasts and your futures and I just knew that everything would ultimately work out for you both, so I just wanted to reiterate that.”

“Ah! Yes. Thanks.”

“Also, please don’t contact my mother again. She was convinced that you were a drug addict or something - I told her she was wrong of course, but she thought that when you asked me about an angel that it was code for Angel-dust.”

“I’m so sorry!” Crowley said, absolutely mortified.

“It’s fine. Parents, eh? Anyway, I managed to convince her I’m not a drug dealer or anything!” Adam laughed, clearly finding the situation amusing.

Crowley laughed too, but it was a nervous sound. He apologised again.

There was some barking in the background.

“Better go. Dog wants his dinner.”

"Right-o. Thanks for getting back to me. Cheers. Bye. Ciao." The line went dead and Crowley let out a relieved sigh, grateful that the conversation was over. He then put on some music to help himself relax and moments later, the Bentley was pulling up outside his flat.

He entered his home and went straight to his bedroom. He was tired and was desperate to get some rest.

After Briathos had told him that Aziraphale was in trouble he had tried to sleep only once. He had wanted the escape from reality that only sleep could bring, but after tossing and turning for most of the night when he finally did drift off he was plagued by nightmares.

He had dreamt that Aziraphale sat shivering in the corner of a room, bloodied and broken, a shell of his former self. Crowley tried desperately to reach him, needing to hold him, to comfort him and protect him, but Briathos stood in his way, armed with a flaming sword. No matter how Crowley tried he could not get past Briathos and he became more and more frustrated and angry at his own uselessness until he woke up in a cold sweat, shaking.

He had clambered out of bed and dragged himself to the living room to distract himself with whatever was on the television, but he couldn't get the image of Aziraphale, injured and frightened, out of his head.

Since that night, Crowley had been too afraid to sleep again in case he had more nightmares. As a demon, he did not need to sleep but he had grown used to it over the centuries and he craved it.

Now that he had spoken to Rachmiel and knew that Aziraphale was safe, he could finally sleep.

He put Aziraphale's letter on his bedside table then climbed into bed and fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He dreamt that he was in his Bentley on his way to pick up Aziraphale for dinner, but instead of rolling up outside the bookshop as usual, he casually drove through the Garden of Eden, zooming past tall trees and lush flowers, coming to a halt right beside Aziraphale who stood waiting for him, dressed in his old robes and holding his flaming sword.

The passenger’s side door opened with a wish from Crowley. "Hop in, angel. Let's go to the Ritz!"

Aziraphale smiled as he climbed in. The flames on his sword went out and he casually threw the weapon onto the back seat.

"Drive, Dear boy! Drive!"

And they were away.

***

Chapter Text

***

Rachmiel and Aziraphale were starting to feel worried. Weeks had gone past and there was still no change in the number of souls being swayed to either side. Nothing diabolical had occurred. What was Crowley doing?

Aziraphale seemed sure that Crowley must be in the middle of doing something really clever and mischievous, and that it just needed a little more time to really take effect. Rachmiel hoped he was right. After all, Crowley had seemed confident when he had spoken to him at the bookshop.

Finally Rachmiel decided to go and see Crowley, just to put his mind at rest and make sure that the demon was actually doing something helpful to get rid of Briathos. By the time Rachmiel had filled out all the necessary paperwork and been okayed by all the right people, just over a month had gone past since the last time he had been on Earth.

The little old lady that lived below Crowley’s apartment let Rachmiel into the stairwell, and he went upstairs with some trepidation. He stood nervously outside Crowley’s front door, unable to quite believe that he was really on the threshold of a demon’s den.

Fearfully, he knocked on the door and hoped that Crowley wasn’t in and he would be able to just leave.

The door opened and Crowley appeared. It became quickly apparent to Rachmiel that the demon was intoxicated.

“Whozat?” Crowley squinted at him. Finally his eyes focused. “Oh! It’s you! Hi!”

“Erm…”

“When are they letting Aziraphale come back?”

“Not yet,” Rachmiel said. He felt scared. He knew some humans became violent when they were drunk and he dare not think how it might affect a demon. He backed away a little.

Crowley went to lean against the door frame, missed, and almost fell over.

“Whoops!” The demon said with a giggle.

Rachmiel considered that Crowley probably wasn’t that much of a threat right now, after all.

The angel tried to sound cheerful. “So…uh, how is the tempting and whatnot coming along? You said you were gonna give Briathos a run for his money, right? Do something sinister?”

Crowley deflated. “I’ve been trying really hard! I just can’t think of anything evil enough… I tried to get Hastur to help me but he’s still bitter about the time I trapped him in a cassette and melted Ligur.”

“You’re delirious, you’re not making any sense. Sober up right now.”

“Nonononono. I like being drink-”

“Right now!”

Crowley rolled his eyes then let out a sigh of defeat. “You’re as bossy as Aziraphale. Hang on…”

Crowley winced and then blinked a few times. He looked at Rachmiel and flashed an awkward smile.

“Er… sorry about that,” Crowley said with a hint of embarrassment. “Would you like to come in?”

Rachmiel did not want to go into the demon’s flat but Crowley was already walking back inside and trying to wave him through. Rachmiel stood in the doorway uncomfortably.

He peered around the demon to get a better view inside. He had expected a demon’s abode to be dark and sinister, full of pentagrams, skulls and worrying stains. He had not expected so many clean, white surfaces and an entire wall to be made of french windows which let in the morning sun.

The front door led straight into the living area which looked very modern with lots of expensive technology and stylish furniture. Piles of dusty old books littered almost every surface and looked out of place in this state of the art room. Some of them were ancient bibles.

“Oh, so this is where you put all of Aziraphale’s books then,” Rachmiel said as he cautiously stepped into the room.

“Would you like a drink?” Crowley asked.

“No, thank you, I don’t drink.”

“I was thinking non-alcoholic anyway. I’ve had more than enough booze lately. I was gonna get a coffee either way if you did want something…”

“Oh. No. I meant I don’t eat or drink at all.”

“Ah. Okay.” Crowley looked at him like he was crazy. “I’ll just be a minute. Make yourself at home.” He gestured towards a sofa and some chairs that were gathered around a coffee table then he went into the kitchen.

Rachmiel stood uneasily and looked around the room. There were lots of beautiful and lush plants dotted about, particularly near the windows and he couldn’t help but feel that anyone this green-fingered couldn’t be entirely evil. Clearly Crowley put a lot of time and care into looking after his plants.

In Rachmiel’s experience hot drinks took a while to prepare, so either Crowley had used his powers or he had a very fancy coffee machine, because he returned in hardly any time at all.

Rachmiel stared at the demon’s mug. It was bright green and the handle was made to look like a 3D cartoon snake. The sight of the demon holding a novelty mug somehow made him even less scary.

Crowley went over to the sofa and sprawled out while Rachmiel perched awkwardly on the edge of a chair. The demon took a sip of his coffee which was miraculously at just the right drinking temperature.

"It’s been a while. I was getting worried that Briathos might have stopped your visits to Earth after all."

"No," said Rachmiel. "Just a lot of red tape as usual."

Crowley nodded. “How is Aziraphale?”

“He’s okay, just a bit fed up. He misses Earth and all of the human things. He had become rather used to his human body’s modifications, I think.”

“Yeah, I bet. I know how much he likes his food. He must miss it a lot.”

“Yes. It’s not just the food and drink. He misses sleep too, and having a sex drive. The sooner he can return to Earth the better- are you quite alright?”

Crowley was choking on his coffee. He stopped coughing and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Uh, yeah. Sorry. It just went down the wrong way."

"You see? Being able to eat and drink causes such problems," Rachmiel said smugly. "Anyway, I’m here to see how you are getting on with besting Briathos, and from what you said at the door, you are failing miserably. You really need to come up with a plan of action."

“How long has he been... you know?”

“What?”

“How long has Aziraphale had a sex drive?”

“I don't know. What's that got to do with anything?” Rachmiel asked impatiently. He thought that Crowley really ought to be scheming and hatching diabolical plots to get Briathos fired and Aziraphale reinstated, not asking irrelevant questions. A sudden icy fear washed through him. “Wait... didn't you know?”

“Uh, well. No. I didn’t.”

Rachmiel put a hand over his mouth. “Oh no, I shouldn't have told you!”

“I'm sure it's fine! He won't mind. Me and Aziraphale are friends, after all, he would have told me eventually.”

“Well, uh, just try and forget all about it, okay? There are more important things for us to worry about.”

“But why didn't he tell me though? I never kept it a secret from him that I had a sex drive. Although… he was a bit judgemental of me, I guess. Maybe he thought I'd be judgemental back-“

Rachmiel glared at Crowley. “Maybe it's because you're a demon.”

"Yeah. Maybe," said Crowley sadly.

This conversation was making Rachmiel uncomfortable. He quickly tried to steer them back to the matter at hand. “Now let's focus. You need a plan of action. We know you have it in you. Aziraphale said you have lots of commendations from your side.”

“Yeah, but the most evil of them are just for things humans did themselves. I just took the credit. I mean, the Spanish Inquisition? That’s not my style.”

“But you're responsible for original sin! That whole thing with the apple!”

“Yeah,” said Crowley perking up. “And I got a commendation for the M25, that was all my doing. I’m quite proud of that one.”

“There we go then. What other things are you proud of? Maybe we can find some inspiration.”

Crowley looked thoughtful. He turned to Rachmiel. “Is Aziraphale gay?”

“Why?” Asked Rachmiel angrily.

"I just wondered-"

“I know why! You're a male demon. He's male. You're thinking about tempting him with lust aren't you?! You're supposed to be thinking about how to tempt humans, not someone who is supposedly your friend! You absolute fiend!”

“He is my friend! I only ask because humans always assume he's gay. He's very camp, you know? I always thought he was just acting that way on purpose, it makes woman feel more comfortable around him, makes him unthreatening. But maybe he is that way.”

“Don't get any ideas, he's an angel. He wouldn't be interested in the likes of you.”

“Alright, alright. Don't worry, I wouldn't dare anyway. He’d kick me into the middle of next week.”

A recent conversation with Aziraphale suddenly came to Rachmiel’s mind and filled him with dread. Aziraphale had allowed him to read the letter from Crowley and when Rachmiel asked what the bit about The Sound of Music was about, he had said it was just a silly little joke when they were both drunk.

Rachmiel had been mortified that Aziraphale would allow himself to get drunk alone in a room with a demon. It was absurd and dangerous to let his guard down like that, but Aziraphale had thought nothing of it and just reiterated his belief that Crowley was trustworthy and a good soul deep down.

Aziraphale trusted Crowley. What if the demon got him drunk and took advantage of him now that he knew Aziraphale had a sex drive?

Rachmiel realised that he was going to have to tell Aziraphale what he had foolishly divulged. He had to warn him but he dreaded that conversation. Rachmiel felt so angry at himself for revealing what he should have known was a secret.

Rachmiel glared at Crowley. “I swear, if you so much as wink at him-”

“Calm down! I’m not going to tempt him. Okay?”

“Good. I’m going to warn him anyway, so don’t get any depraved ideas.”

Rachmiel settled down in his seat and tried to get his brain back on track. Aziraphale would forgive him, and Aziraphale would be able to protect himself from whatever temptations this demon might throw his way.

He was here for a reason and must not get distracted.

But he couldn't quite believe that he was trying to help a demon come up with an evil scheme. What kind of angel was he, helping the enemy like that? Nevertheless, the second he thought of Briathos’ smug face he knew he couldn’t let him win, even if it meant getting involved in something so unsavoury. He pushed down his feelings of guilt. “Come on, let’s focus. What has really secured souls for your side in the past? Which dastardly deeds are you most proud of?”

“Well… VAT, tying up phone lines… er… computer virus,’ pop-up adverts…”

“Huh. Okay.” Rachmiel felt troubled. Those things didn’t sound very evil. He couldn’t quite keep the disappointment out of his voice. “So, your thing is to annoy people?”

Crowley sounded offended. “My thing is to rile people up on a mass scale and get them so angry that they take it out on each other. It really works. Most other demons just focus on one soul at a time and hack away at it for years and years, I tarnish thousands in one fell swoop.”

Rachmiel forced a smile but his confidence in Crowley’s ability to come up with something truly diabolical was dropping. He could feel his access to Earth and cinema slipping away.

“Scam emails! That’s a good one too,” Crowley said proudly. “And traffic jams. They really bring out the worst in people and gets them yelling at each other."

Rachmiel pressed on. Surely this demon knew what he was doing or his superiors would have come down on him like a ton of bricks long ago. "So we want lots of yelling on a mass scale. Okay. What gets people arguing?"

"Uh… Money. Politics.” He sat back and looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Yes, politics is always a good one. People always get angry bickering about that.”

Rachmiel sat back too and tried to think of something helpful, but he was not feeling very positive. He hoped that Crowley was right and that these seemingly trivial things did indeed make a difference. Although, now that he actually thought about it, it was terrifying to him that human souls could be tarnished by such petty things. He found himself hoping that Crowley was wrong and that the intrinsic good in the human soul could not be destroyed by something as trivial as a traffic jam.

"I... I think I've got something. Yes, it will get everyone arguing all across the UK. Maybe even further."

"Oh, good,” said Rachmiel worriedly. “What-"

Crowley wasn't listening. He leapt up excitedly. "Families, friends, colleagues, politicians... all of the people of this country will be split into two factions by this!"

"Um. That's great. I hope it's not too-" Rachmiel edged away from the demon, who was now pacing and grinning with manic glee.

"It's brilliant, my side will love it! So many new souls for us! I am going to sink this country into chaos! The humans will all be bickering and complaining in no time!"

***

“Brisket?” Aziraphale asked with some confusion.

Rachmiel looked unsure. “I think that was what he said. Or was it something about a biscuit? That’s more English, I bet it was that.”

“Biscuits? Oh dear, he’s not going to tax biscuits is he? Why does it always come down to tax with him?” Aziraphale had really expected more from Crowley. “Wait a minute, he has already done this! The luxury tax includes lots of biscuits, especially of the chocolate coated variety-”

“Brexit! That was it! He’s going to do a Brexit!”

“What’s a Brexit?”

“I don’t know, but he was very confident that it would work. He said something about a bus of lies? If I’m to be completely honest I didn’t stay very long after that, he got a bit… excitable and loud. I got out of there pretty sharpish.”

“Oh, well, not to worry. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.” Aziraphale said with a smile.

“Um… there’s something else.” Rachmiel looked anxious.

“What's the matter, my dear?”

“Well, er... I think I may have told the demon something I shouldn’t have. I’m really sorry."

"I'm sure it's all right, we can trust Crowley. What did you tell him?" Aziraphale gave a reassuring smile. He assumed that Rachmiel had mentioned something relating to Heaven but he was sure this would not be a problem. Aziraphale and Crowley did sometimes give each other little titbits to pass on to their people, but Crowley would know where to draw the line.

"Well… I was just saying how much you missed your human modifications… and, uh, I said that you missed having a sex drive…”

Aziraphale felt light-headed and reached for the wall to steady himself. “Oh my goodness!”

“Sorry!”

“Why would you tell him that? What were you thinking?!” Aziraphale hissed, absolutely mortified. How on Earth would he ever be able to face Crowley again now? He felt humiliated.

“I said I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know? I thought he already knew about that, you didn’t tell me it was a secret!”

“Of course it was a secret!” Aziraphale felt dizzy. He sat on the floor, his back against the wall.

“I’m sorry,” Rachmiel said again. He looked so guilty and ashamed of himself that Aziraphale started to feel bad for shouting at him.

“I…I suppose I should have told you to keep it a secret. Have you told anyone else?”

“No.”

Rachmiel sat down beside Aziraphale and patted his shoulder, trying to give him some comfort.

Aziraphale bowed his head. "How did he react? Did he laugh?"

"No. He just seemed surprised."

“I bet he was.”

"If it makes you feel any better, he said he would never try to have sex with you. So that's a relief! Although, I wouldn't trust a demon, er... Aziraphale? What’s wrong?"

Aziraphale’s stomach felt icy. Tears were forming in the corners of his eyes. He wanted Crowley so much and it hurt to hear that it was unrequited. Aziraphale had always suspected that Crowley wouldn’t want him but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"You... You desire him, don't you?"

Aziraphale felt panic. "No, of course not. Don't be absurd. He's a demon... He..."

Rachmiel was watching him carefully. When he spoke his tone was cold. "Exactly. He's a demon and you're an angel. Lust is sinful. You are better than this. You can resist lust and you can certainly resist him."

"It's not about lust." Aziraphale said defensively. "Sex itself isn’t a sin, you know. It can bring two people closer together, it can mean something. It can be about love and intimacy." This was what he had told himself when he first realised he was attracted to Crowley. He had felt so ashamed to begin with, but now he believed completely that his feelings were good and pure and he was not about to let Rachmiel convince him otherwise.

"And do you think a demon could feel those things? Do you think a demon could ever feel love?"

"Well, it doesn't matter either way, does it!" Aziraphale said angrily. "If he said he doesn't like me like that, then what does it matter!"

Maybe Rachmiel was right, maybe this was for the best. He was an angel, and however he might feel about Crowley, he was still a demon. Perhaps he had dodged a bullet. He tried to convince himself that everything was okay and he didn't care what Crowley thought.

"Oh... I think you misunderstood what I said.”

“What?”

“He didn’t say if he was attracted to you or not. He just said he wouldn’t try to sleep with you. Because I… well, he asked if you were gay so I assumed he was asking for nefarious purposes and I got a bit angry with him. I’m worried he only said he wouldn’t try to seduce you in order to placate me.”

"He wanted to know if I was gay?" Aziraphale cheered up a bit. “Oh! I see what you mean. Yes, maybe-”

“Don’t sound so happy about it!”

“I’m not-”

“You are!” Rachmiel said disapprovingly. He looked alarmed. “Aziraphale, you must not let him tempt you! Don’t give in. I only told you all of this so that you would know to have your guard up around him if he ever did try something.”

“Oh, I will! I’ll have my guard right up! Don’t you worry.”

“I am worried! I don’t think you understand how terrible it would be for you to have sex with him. He cannot return your feelings. He’s evil. When you go back to Earth - assuming everything works out - you must keep away from him. You have become far too close to him. He’s a demon and don't forget it.”

“Do you really think he’s that likely to try to seduce me?” Aziraphale asked, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice.

Rachmiel shrugged. “He’s a demon, tempting is what they do.”

Aziraphale sobered up a bit. “Crowley wouldn't try to bed me just for the sake of it. He would only tempt me if he were actually attracted to me, and I don’t really think I’m his type. I mean, look at me.”

Rachmiel looked him up and down. “What do you mean? There’s nothing wrong with you. All angels have divine splendour. We are all magnificent and beautiful, the radiant light of God shines-”

“Okay, okay.” Aziraphale said irritably. “You wouldn’t understand. You don’t have a sex drive.”

“And thank goodness for that. It sounds like an absolute nightmare. You… you wouldn’t try to seduce him, would you?!”

Aziraphale laughed at the absurdity of the question. “Are you insane! Of course not! I’d have a panic attack just at the thought of it. I would only make a fool of myself. The chances of him returning my feelings are very low.”

Rachmiel nodded. “Exactly. He can't return your feelings. Demons are not capable of love."

Aziraphale bit his lip. He had known Crowley for thousands of years and he was different from the other demons. The two of them were more alike than he would ever care to admit. He believed that Crowley was capable of love, and he knew that the demon was awfully fond of him in his own way. He couldn't imagine that Crowley would risk their friendship just for a meaningless bit of fun.

"Don’t let Crowley know how you feel about him. Please, promise me you’ll keep away.”

Aziraphale smiled despairingly. “To be honest, now that he knows, I don’t think I could stand to be near him without dying from embarrassment.”

***

It was almost 3am when Crowley returned home. He had spent the day calling, meeting and drinking with politicians and it had left him feeling like he needed to disinfect himself. Many of these people were more full of hatred, anger and self-importance than many of the demons he knew.

But his plan was coming together and he felt excited. He also felt tired. It had been a long day but he had achieved so much since Rachmiel’s visit that morning.

He wandered into his bedroom and flopped down onto the bed. He felt as though he could easily sleep for a week or two and decided it was best to set an alarm for the morning. He had another busy day planned tomorrow and he didn’t want to sleep through it. Technically, the clock on his bedside table was not an alarm clock but it would wake him up whenever he wanted. It would not dare to do otherwise.

Now, finally, alone in the quiet of his room, he allowed his thoughts to turn to Aziraphale and the fact that he had a sex drive.

Every time during that day when he had thought about Aziraphale’s secret he found himself gripped with both excitement and an intense, crippling anxiety, so he had instead turned his thoughts to his political scheme. There had been plenty to keep him occupied and distracted.

Crowley had possessed a sex drive for about 6000 years, since before he first went to the Garden of Eden. As soon as sex was invented as a means for humans to reproduce, curious demons had eagerly latched onto the new invention straight away and Crowley was no exception. Unlike in Heaven, in Hell the fallen angels could modify their demonic bodies and become sexual. Lust was sinful after all, and ever so fun, and he had always liked to keep up with the latest trends, even back then.

He had still been hanging around with the wrong people in those days, though he hadn’t quite realised it yet and still thought of them as his friends. What he had noticed was that they were not as interested in him as they used to be and it scared him. He was slowly drifting out of Lucifer’s inner circle. He tried to cling desperately to his old friendships and in a last ditch effort to get that closeness back, to feel like he belonged, he participated in multiple sexual experiences with several demons. Sex was new and everyone was experimenting and learning.

The whole thing had been terribly disappointing to him. They wanted orgies and meaningless sex, and he wanted a monogamous partner, a best friend. What was supposed to bring him closer to his friends just ended up just pushing him further away. He felt used and disillusioned. He stopped hanging around with them.

He had been glad when they sent him to Eden and, afterwards when they sent him to Earth. He liked being around Aziraphale and he liked being around humanity.

He had never, and would never, have sex with a human. They were so young, so short-lived like fireflies.

But Aziraphale…

Aziraphale was elegant and beautiful.

Crowley wanted Aziraphale.

Crowley knew that it would never happen. Ever. Crowley had known this for thousands of years. Aziraphale was sexless, he disapproved of lust and sex, he would never modify his body to have sexuality. Ever. And Crowley had come to terms with this. It was fine, he valued Aziraphale’s companionship, he didn’t need to have sex with him or anyone else in order to be happy. He could, and did, take care of his own needs by himself just fine.

And if, every now and then, he thought about the angel while he touched himself it was okay because Aziraphale would never know. It was just a guilty pleasure.

He liked to fantasise about tempting Aziraphale, of seducing him into bed and showing him the pleasures of the flesh. And Aziraphale would hold him after. Imagining the angel's arms around him helped Crowley to fall asleep.

It was all just a fantasy. Except now there was a slim possibility that his fantasies could come true. Hope was a cruel thing. He worried that he was getting his hopes up for nothing, that he would somehow mess this up, or that Aziraphale would not want him in the first place anyway.

Aziraphale was his best friend, his only friend really, and he had thought it was the same for Aziraphale too. They told each other almost everything - especially after Armageddon almost happened. So why did Aziraphale not trust him with this? Why had he confided this secret to some random angel instead and kept him in the dark? Aziraphale had never even mentioned Rachmiel before, why had he been keeping this friendship with an angel a secret from him? Why would Aziraphale do that? Rachmiel and Aziraphale had to be close for Aziraphale to have told him such a big secret.

The only angel that Crowley knew of that Aziraphale had any regular contact with was some guy head office occasionally sent to the bookshop to check up on him. Crowley could not even remember his name, Aziraphale hardly ever mentioned him. Was that the same guy? Were they friendlier than Aziraphale had let on? Crowley felt a stab of jealously and then paranoia. He was scared that Rachmiel would steal Aziraphale away from him, that Aziraphale would like Rachmiel more. They were both angels, they would have more in common with each other.

His jealousy intensified at the thought that Aziraphale might have had sex with Rachmiel. Crowley felt an icy, painful stab inside his chest at the thought of it. Rachmiel knew Aziraphale had a sex drive, it wouldn't be a huge leap to imagine that they might have explored sexuality together.

Crowley hissed angrily. Miserably.

But, no, it was a ridiculous thought. Rachmiel had turned up his nose at the offer of food and drink, had smirked at him when he had choked on his coffee. If he wouldn't even modify his body to eat and drink, he certainly wouldn't do it in order to have sex.

He wondered if Aziraphale had been with any humans. He thought of the angel happily dancing in that discreet gentleman's club full of homosexual men in the 1880s. Had Aziraphale had a sex drive back then? How long has he been sexual for? How long had he been hiding this side of himself?

Over the centuries Aziraphale had spent a lot of time around homosexual men and women, protecting and reassuring these people who were breaking their countries laws and endangering their lives just by being themselves.

Crowley knew that Aziraphale felt sorry for them, felt an affinity with these people who did not fit in with their peers. He collected them to him like lost puppies. Crowley understood.

It has never even occurred to Crowley that Aziraphale might have slept with any of them.

He thought of all the gay men, the poets, the artists and the authors that the angel had helped and cared for, all of whom had adored Aziraphale like a father, or so Crowley had thought. Now he wondered if there had been more to those relationships.

But Crowley couldn't quite get his head around the idea of an immortal having sex with a mortal person. Demons and angels were thousands of years old, the age difference between them and any human was immense. He saw the human race as being like children, but it was possible that Aziraphale saw them differently.

Maybe Aziraphale had taken human lovers and angelic lovers over the centuries and had no desire for a demonic one. Perhaps Aziraphale kept his sex drive a secret so that he could avoid the awkwardness of having to reject him. Crowley felt self-conscious and inadequate.

He buried his face in his pillow and told himself that he was just tired and being silly. He would feel better in the morning after a good night’s sleep.

He pulled the sheets tightly around himself. There were so many thoughts spinning around in his head that he didn't think he would ever drift off, but it had been a long day and before long sleep took him.

He dreamt.

The sun was shining through the living room windows. It was warm and comfortable as he lounged on the sofa. There was a knock at the door.

He opened the door and Aziraphale stood there smiling cheerfully at him. Crowley felt so happy. He had missed Aziraphale desperately.

Aziraphale gazed at him with adoration in his eyes. "Crowley, my dear boy, I'm back on Earth all because of you. Thank you so much. You're so clever."

Crowley grinned, thrilled that Aziraphale was so impressed with him. His plan had worked! He felt so proud and relieved.

"Thank you," Aziraphale said again. "I'm ever so grateful to you. Indebted. Being in Heaven was absolute Hell."

The angel stepped towards him, closing the distance, and wrapped his arms around Crowley, kissing him on the mouth.

Crowley kissed him back eagerly, his fingers threading into the angel's hair. He could barely believe this was really happening.

He pulled Aziraphale into the room, needing more of him, needing to be closer. The door slammed closed behind them and locked itself.

The angel gasped. "I want you so bad, Crowley."

"I want you too."

They pulled at each other’s clothes. Crowley steered the angel towards his bedroom.

He had wanted this for so long, he could barely contain his excitement.

Then Crowley woke up.

He hissed in frustration. Still fuzzy with sleep, he rolled onto his back and let his hand slide down to take hold of himself. He was so hard it hurt. He thought of Aziraphale as he stroked himself.

He imagined that Aziraphale was back on Earth after months without being able to pleasure himself. The angel, overcome with desire and need, would be begging and pleading with Crowley to touch him. Aziraphale, usually so straight-laced would come undone as Crowley teased him.

Crowley rolled onto his stomach and pictured Aziraphale writhing beneath him, the angel having lost all of his composure and turned into a desperate, whimpering, needy thing.

Crowley came with a gasp.

***

Chapter Text

***

May 2015.

Rachmiel knocked on the door of Crowley’s flat.

He had booked this visit to Earth long ago, but it had certainly not been in order to visit the demon.

As soon as he had heard the release date for the latest Avengers film, Age of Ultron, he had spoken to Head Office and happily managed to book a visit to Earth. That was why he was here.

But first, he had to yell at the demon.

He’s been meaning to speak to Crowley for a while now. Firstly, to make sure he would not take advantage of Aziraphale’s feelings for him, and secondly, because of the bookshop.

Briathos was gloating to any angel that would listen that he had sold Aziraphale's bookshop. No one wanted to tell Aziraphale. He had been so upset over the mere idea of his shop being sold that the other angels were reluctant to be the bearers of this terrible news and were keeping out of his way.

Rachmiel knew that he was going to have to be the one to tell him and he was dreading it.

He had hoped that Aziraphale would have been given his job back long before the shop had even a chance of being sold. What had Crowley been doing? It had been a couple of months since Rachmiel had last seen him and nothing evil seemed to have occurred. Perhaps Crowley’s plan hadn't worked.

Before going to Crowley's flat, Rachmiel had taken a taxi to the bookshop just to make sure that Briathos was not lying, and had been dismayed by what he had seen. Lots of huge wooden boards had been put up around it, promising something new and better would be built there soon.

A Christian Youth Centre.

It sounded very wholesome but Rachmiel didn’t care. That building belonged to Aziraphale and those Christians should keep their hands off it.

Rachmiel knocked on Crowley’s door again impatiently. The door swung open, but instead of being greeted by the demon he found himself face to face with a man he did not know. The stranger was middle aged and tall.

Rachmiel took a step back. “Where’s Crowley?” he asked.

The room was full of about a dozen men and women, all stood around chatting. Was this the wrong flat? No, the interior looked the same.

Oh God help him, they were probably Satanists or something.

“Crowley is in the kitchen. You must be here for the meeting! Come in!”

“Well… er.”

“I'm Dave, by the way. Don’t be shy! What car do you drive? I have a Jaguar SS, from 1938.” The man tried to usher the angel inside, but Rachmiel refused to budge. Dave hesitated. “Are you not part of the Vintage Car Club?”

“No.”

“Oh. Well, we are all going to drive into the town centre, park up and show off all our beautiful cars! It's been advertised in the paper! You should come and-”

“Sorry. Would you get Crowley, please? It’s very important.”

“Oh, okay. Sorry.” Dave's enthusiasm dulled, but only slightly. He vanished into the kitchen. A moment later Crowley emerged and bounded towards the door.

“Rachmiel! Hi!” Crowley cried happily. He stepped outside and closed the door to give them some privacy, but not before the angel made a startling observation.

“Where are all the books?!”

“Oh, they are in the bedroom and the office. They were taking up so much space so I-”

“How inconvenient for you!” Rachmiel interrupted angrily. “Crowley, I just found out Briathos sold the shop!”

The demon grinned which increased Rachmiel’s fury tenfold. “Didn’t he just. I thought I was being a bit obvious, tempting him with a Christian Youth Centre, but my only competition was Starbucks or Pizza Express so I guess Briathos never stood a chance.”

“You bought it?”

“Of course I did.”

“Oh. Well. That’s good. I’ll tell Aziraphale.”

“Yes, but keep it on the down low. I don’t know what Briathos might do if he finds out he sold to me. I’m just gonna make it seem as though they are taking their time to get started on the rebuild. Hopefully all those boards will keep up the illusion.”

“This Brix… er, Braxit thing…”

“Brexit. It’s a portmanteau of ‘British’ and ’exit’.”

“Right. Lovely. How’s that going then?”

“It’s going great! David Cameron-“

“Who?”

“Do you live under a rock? The Prime Minister! He pledged a week or so ago during his campaign to hold a referendum in 2016 - that's when things will get really juicy!”

“That’s ages away!”

“Well… yes. But this took some doing! Cameron doesn’t even want Brexit - he’s gonna campaign to Remain – so it took a lot of pressure from his party and many other places to get him to agree. I’ve had a lot on my plate, sorting this out. Cameron thinks this referendum will impress his voters and placate his party, and that Brexit will never happen anyway-”

Rachmiel raised his hand to try to get Crowley to slow down. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re going on about. Politics confuses me.”

“Me too. But anyway, long story short, Brexit is not massively in the public conscious yet but once the referendum is officially announced in February all hell will break loose! Everyone will be arguing over whether we should stay or remain!”

“Looking forward to it,” said Rachmiel miserably. “I’ll go tell Aziraphale that he has to wait until next year at the earliest before he can come back to Earth then, shall I?”

“Well, I’m trying other stuff in the meantime too, but this will definitely work. I can taste those tainted souls even now. How is Aziraphale? Hating Heaven that much?”

“He doesn’t hate Heaven.”

“He’s just finding it boring, I get it. Don’t look so offended - Heaven is just as boring as Hell is overexciting. Earth is where it’s at. That reminds me, I wrote him some letters, I thought they might help him get through the long, boring days and nights. Keep him up to date on current affairs and Brexit.”

There was no way on Earth that Rachmiel was going to give Aziraphale any more letters. Even if he carefully checked through them first, there might be innuendo or secret messages that Rachmiel would miss. Crowley might try to seduce Aziraphale though the letters. “That won’t be necessary, I can keep him up to date on things myself. It’s not a good idea for either of you to send any more letters. Just imagine if he or I were caught with letters from a demon? Too risky.”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess you’re right. Hey, did you tell him I know he has a sex drive? How did he take it?”

Rachmiel glared at him. “He knows what I told you. You should be aware, the reason Aziraphale didn’t tell you was because he was worried you’d make an ass of yourself by throwing yourself at him. He is not in the least bit attracted to you. I felt you ought to know.”

Crowley’s face was carefully blank. "You're lying."

"Excuse me?"

"I can tell. Angels are terrible liars."

"It wouldn't matter if they were. I'm not lying. You're not his type."

Crowley's face fell.

So Crowley had been trying to catch him out, the sneaky creature. He looked so disappointed that for a moment Rachmiel felt guilty, but he knew he was doing the right thing. He had to protect Aziraphale.

Crowley looked upset. "It... er, it's because I'm a demon, isn't it. He can't allow himself to-"

Oh, God help him. Crowley did want to have sex with Aziraphale, it written all over his face.

"It's not even about that. He just doesn't fancy you."

Various emotions flittered across Crowley's face. Finally he settled on a brittle smile. "Well, I'd better get back inside, I'm being a terrible host."

The demon was back inside of his apartment in a flash, slamming the door closed behind him.

***

Crowley went straight into the bathroom and locked the door. He needed a moment before he faced all of those car enthusiasts.

He felt as though his heart had been ripped out.

He had been certain that Rachmiel was lying and that he could be manipulated into accidently confessing as much, but maybe he really was telling the truth.

Except, Crowley thought, even if Aziraphale had said those things to Rachmiel that did not make them true. Aziraphale was an incredible liar, especially to himself, and Crowley could not believe that if Aziraphale were attracted to a demon that he would go around telling other angels all about it - even Rachmiel who he seemed to like telling his secrets to. No, he would fiercely deny it.

What Rachmiel had said meant nothing. Aziraphale was the only one who knew the truth.

Crowley felt a bit better, but Rachmiel was really getting on his nerves now. He could tell that the angel did not like him and he suspected that this was the real reason Rachmiel did not want to pass on his letters to Aziraphale.

Rachmiel had originally been terrified of him but Crowley had thought that the angel was slowly warming towards him. He had thought that Rachmiel might become as open minded as Aziraphale had been when they first met in the Garden of Eden. It had been foolish to believe such a thing, to think that Rachmiel might grow to like him. Rachmiel was an angel and he was a demon, they were enemies. It should not be a surprise that Rachmiel would not trust him.

It just went to show how used to Aziraphale’s friendship Crowley had become. Being friends with an angel seemed normal to him now.

***

There were two choices: to Remain in the European Union or to leave the European Union.

Remain were so convinced that they would win, their campaign was practically non-existent. All they put forward were cold, hard, boring facts. There was no passion.

Leave had plenty of passion. They also had plenty of lies. They overspent on their budget – paid for by the taxpayers of course. Crowley was proud of the overspending and he had not even needed to suggest it to them, they came up with that all on their own. He was so proud of them.

Crowley whispered in ears. He altered paperwork when no one was looking. He manipulated social media.

People were passionately for or against Brexit. Families argued over the dinner table, friends mocked each other, strangers hurled abuse at each other online and in the street.

Crowley half-expected Briathos to try to ruin it all but he didn’t seem to have gotten himself involved. Either he had underestimated what was happening or he just did not have the same sway over politicians that Crowley did.

Souls were tarnished and stained.

Head Office were overjoyed.

The referendum happened in June of 2016. The final vote was 51% to 49%. So close.

Leave won.

The people in power had not expected this. There was no plan. David Cameron, the Prime Minister, had never wanted Brexit in the first place and got out of there as fast as he could. He stepped down and Teresa May took over.

There was still no real plan.

The value of the Pound Sterling dropped. The economy in the UK suffered. The people became even more angry, worried and frustrated. Some people said that Brexit was not even going to happen.

Crowley received a commendation.

At this point Crowley lost control over the situation and the humans took over completely. It was out of his hands but this did not matter because it would be a win/win situation for him either way. It did not matter if Brexit went ahead or not.

If Brexit happened, people would be furious. Crowley could not imagine that the EU would ever give them a good deal, or every country would want to leave. Those voters who had wanted to stay in the EU would be upset, and so would many people who had voted to leave if they did not get what they felt they had voted for.

Likewise, if Brexit failed, the people would be furious. The referendum was not legally binding but that did not matter, if the Government did not go through with it then many people, whether they voted to Leave or Stay, would feel cheated and lose faith in the system. So much money and time would have been wasted.

People were going to be angry either way.

Crowley sat back and waited to see what would happen. He felt proud and he felt guilty. Things had happened during all of this that he had not anticipated and had not wanted. He told himself what he always did in this sort of situation - humanity were capable of far greater evil than any demon could ever dream of, he could not control everyone’s actions. It was not his fault. What happened to Jo Cox was not his fault.

There was a deadline. March 2019. Then, the future of the UK would be decided.

***

The office building was tall and luxurious and stood proudly in central London. Briathos had the entire top floor to himself. The place looked professional, almost clinical, and reminded him of Heaven, of home.

Floor to ceiling windows surrounded him on all sides. He enjoyed being so high up and looking out over the city below. It made him feel like he was flying.

He much preferred this clean, open office space to the dusty and cluttered bookshop. He was glad to be out of that place. Someone had broken in and stolen most of the books. He suspected Crowley, although Rachmiel had been oddly upset when he found out the shop was to be sold, so it could even have been him. Either way, the theft had left him feeling unsafe there.

But that was only one of the reasons he had been so desperate to get out of there.

Many humans had nipped into the shop to see Aziraphale, or had tried to ring him on the telephone, and they were disappointed, upset even, to learn that he was no longer there.

Briathos was sick of having to explain that Aziraphale had gone away. Their concern annoyed him. He had not realised how well liked Aziraphale was on Earth. In Heaven most angels considered Aziraphale to be a bit odd, but here people seemed to genuinely like him.

A man from a nearby café had popped in, full of concern, because Aziraphale regularly came in for tea, cake and a chat and he had not seen him in a while. Book enthusiasts wandered in and wanted to babble to Aziraphale about the latest novel or some rare ancient tome and were disappointed to learn that he had moved away.

Greengrocers, tailors, his barber, even some woman Aziraphale employed to manicure his nails - the absolute height of decadence in Briathos’ opinion – wanted to make sure Aziraphale was okay.

One lady had annoyed Briathos so much that he had taken great pleasure in telling her that Aziraphale had died. She had burst into tears and been so distraught that Briathos regretted lying immediately and erased her memory of the past ten minutes so that he could start again.

He was so glad he did not have to deal with any of those people any more.

He now had a brand new telephone number so he did not have to listen to any of those annoying calls for Aziraphale ever again.

The only thing that he took with him from the bookshop was a little notebook which he had found by the telephone. It was full of the telephone numbers, addresses and other details of many useful contacts and agents, from political leaders to freedom fighters, and even a Witchfinder Army. Briathos thought they might come in handy for his divine plans and also when thwarting Crowley.

Speaking of Crowley, the notebook even had his home address and several phone numbers listed. Upon finding this valuable information, Briathos had immediately gone for a drive and parked across the street from Crowley's flat, and, looking up, had spotted him through a window.

Crowley had looked like he was having an argument with someone but Briathos could not see anyone else in the room. He assumed the demon must be talking on a hands-free set or something but it almost looked like he was shouting at a potted fern.

He soon got bored of spying and drove away. It was enough to know that he knew where the demon lived if he ever needed to hunt him down in the future.

The demon had not come anywhere near him since their first and only encounter with each other and Briathos had assumed that he had scared him into inaction. Then he discovered that Crowley had become involved in politics. It took Briathos a while to understand what the demon was trying to achieve - human politics was not his forte - but once he got his head around it all, he started to meddle.

He had all of Aziraphale’s contacts and he was positive that he could easily get those politicians under his thumb. Except they wouldn’t listen to him and he could not understand why. They did not seem to like or respect him, and it was not just that they preferred Aziraphale, they didn’t like being told what to do and it made Briathos angry. One man called him a pretentious prick, and another accused him of having his head stuck up his own arse.

How dare they speak to him like that! He was an angel, he was better than all of them. He wished he could reveal his true self to them, spread his wings wide, and order them to do as they were told like in the old days. Humans ought to know their place, they did not deserve free will.

This was all Aziraphale’s fault. He had clearly been too nice to them.

Gabriel had recently visited Briathos to say that Head Office were concerned about his performance on Earth and about this whole Brexit thing. Briathos felt angry and insulted. How dare anyone doubt him.

Briathos was working hard to improve the world.

He had been trying to get age verification enforced for the viewing of pornography in the UK. He would have much preferred to have pornographic material and websites banned outright but the humans he had mentioned this to just laughed when he suggested it. But he could protect the children at least. It was simple and easy, people would just have to prove their age on pornographic websites using their passport or a credit card or something.

Briathos was pleased that Crowley was not meddling in this. What he did not realise was that Crowley knew all about it and thought it was a great idea. Imagine, people having to supply personal data in order to access pornography, imagine if that data got leaked and suddenly powerful people were being blackmailed with the threat of having their porn preferences leaked. Not to mention, many UK citizens would be angry at having their access to pornography policed like that.

One of the main age checkers was AgeID, designed by MindGeek, who just so happened to own Pornhub, YouPorn and RedTube.

Crowley thought he might even allow his people to believe he had a hand in this.

What Crowley would not care to admit, being a demon, was that he actually quite liked the idea of keeping children safe, particularly if it was done in such a way that it would aggravate adults in the process.

***

"Aziraphale!"

Aziraphale, who had been happily ushering a group of angels through the Eastern Gate, turned and saw Rachmiel running towards him with a big grin on his face. His wings were flapping excitedly and he flew the final distance between them. Aziraphale took a step back as the angel landed beside him.

"Hello, dear boy."

"Guess what?!” Rachmiel said eagerly. "Gabriel has confirmed that he's definitely not going to limit angelic visits to Earth after all! I should have known he would not listen to Briathos!"

"That's wonderful news!"

“It’s such a relief - a massive weight off my mind. I only wish Gabriel had let us know sooner, I had gotten myself so worked up about it all, but at least we know now."

Aziraphale smiled. He was happy for Rachmiel, but he was also a bit worried by the news. Part of Rachmiel's motivation for helping him to get his old job back was that he believed getting Briathos fired would help protect his visits to Earth.

Crowley's Brexit plan seemed to be working well, but there was still no talk of Briathos being fired and Aziraphale reinstated. Aziraphale was starting to wonder if he would ever set foot on Earth again.

Rachmiel grinned. "I overheard Gabriel saying he's fed up of Briathos constantly making stupid demands. I suppose he thought that dumping him on Earth meant he wouldn't have to listen to all his whining but he was wrong. Gabriel seems to be rather unimpressed with Briathos' performance so far, so it’s not looking good for him, I think."

"Really? Oh, that's good!" Aziraphale said, perking up a bit. "Maybe Gabriel will give me my old job back after all."

"Fingers crossed. In the meantime, he's agreed to let you accompany me on my next visit to Earth!"

Aziraphale's eyes widened in amazement, he grinned happily. "What? Really?! Oh, that's wonderful! Thank you!"

"We can go to this soup kitchen I know, and to the hospital to perform a few miracles. Then afterwards we can go to the cinema! What do you say?!"

"That sounds perfect! Thank you so much. I could stop in and see Crowley too!"

Rachmiel's enthusiasm vanished. He looked disappointed. "We spoke about this, we agreed it would be best if you kept away from that demon."

"I agreed to no such thing. I just want to pop in and say hello, you can come with me if you like."

"Absolutely not. There is absolutely no need to see him. This Brexit thing is working fine, he doesn't need any more pep talks or anything."

Aziraphale's face fell. He missed Crowley so much. It had been years since he had last seen or spoken to him and he longed to hear his voice again. "Come on, he's my friend. I told you he would never do anything to hurt me or take advantage of me. He's not like that. You're overreacting."

Rachmiel laughed bitterly. "You are so naïve, Aziraphale. He's a demon - an evildoer. I need to protect you."

"I'm perfectly capable of protecting myself," Aziraphale said sharply.

Rachmiel looked annoyed. "Do you want to come with me or not? It wasn't easy getting Gabriel to agree to this, you know. He thinks you've spent too long on Earth and you need to go cold turkey to get it out your system. Personally, I think he's talking a load of boll- rubbish, but you know what he’s like."

"I’m sorry, Rachmiel. I really do appreciate all of your help. Thank you."

Rachmiel nodded.

Aziraphale gave him a sidelong look. "And Gabriel does talk a load of bollocks doesn’t he."

Rachmiel looked embarrassed then he gave the other angel a half-smile. "Sorry, I have a habit of picking up bad language at the pictures."

"Sometimes it's nice to broaden ones vocabulary."

***

Aziraphale and Rachmiel sat side by side in a packed cinema.

Aziraphale had popcorn, a bag of chocolates and a cup of lemonade. He was thrilled to have his human body back and to be able to eat again.

This was not the first time he had eaten since returning to Earth. After performing the required miracles which formed the official reason for their visit, they had stopped off for sushi. Aziraphale had eaten while Rachmiel gave him an in-depth recap of every Marvel film leading up to the one they were about to see, Avengers: Infinity War.

Aziraphale had seen some of those films before, even if only because Crowley was watching them on television while Aziraphale was reading beside him on the sofa. Usually the book won out over the film but not always. He quite liked the mischievous Loki, he reminded him a little bit of Crowley.

Aziraphale sat and gazed at the screen but he found it increasingly difficult to concentrate on the film no matter how he tried.

For the first time in years, he was able to feel sexual desire again and it was very distracting. Now that Rachmiel’s attention was fully engaged elsewhere Aziraphale found his mind truly starting to wander, and all he could think about was Crowley and how badly he wanted to see him.

He had been worried that now Crowley knew his secret the very thought of facing him would be so painfully embarrassing that he would instead want to keep his distance for a while. Instead he found himself longing to see him more than ever. Not that it mattered right now, Rachmiel had expressly forbidden Aziraphale from seeing the demon while they were here but turning Crowley into forbidden fruit just made his desire to see him all the stronger.

Rachmiel had been going on and on about how concerned he was that Crowley would try to seduce him with his demonic wiles that Aziraphale found himself starting to believe that it could actually happen.

He fantasised about walking into Crowley’s flat only to be immediately and mercilessly carried off by the demon into the bedroom. Or for Crowley to march into his bookshop, overcome with lust, and drag him off into the backroom. He smiled stupidly as he fantasised about Crowley driving up beside them as they walked back from the cinema, and just grabbing him off the street while Rachmiel gawked before driving away with him into the night. Crowley would park somewhere secluded and climb on top of him, trapping him in his seat and…

Aziraphale shifted uncomfortably, he was not used to being this excited in public. It had been years since he had last been able to feel lust or arousal and it was overwhelming him. He felt embarrassed and wished he could have some time alone.

He glanced at Rachmiel who was staring, transfixed, at the screen.

He tried not to think about Crowley. He tried to think pure, unsexy thoughts and to pay attention to the film, but he could not calm himself down.

He glanced at Rachmiel again. The other angel was still staring straight ahead.

Aziraphale stood up.

“Where are you going?” Rachmiel whispered.

"I’m just nipping to the gents."

He made his way down the aisle, wondering if Rachmiel was going to follow him or not, hoping that the other angel would be too engrossed in the film.

He left the darkened room and stepped out into the bright corridor. He was alone. To one side of him were the toilets and in the other direction, in the distance, he could see the doors to outside.

How easy it would be to just run away. He could try to find Crowley, or he could go to his abandoned bookshop or a hotel and take care of himself.

Rachmiel appeared behind him. “I thought you were going to the gents.”

“I am. Just about to,” Aziraphale said quickly.

Rachmiel watched him with some suspicion. “You were looking at the doors. I hope you were not considering running off.”

“Running off? Am I a prisoner now? You’re not my keeper, Rachmiel, I can go wherever I please.”

Rachmiel looked angry. He crossed his arms. "If you do run off I'll be forced to tell upstairs. I’ll have to tell them why I don't trust you alone on Earth and why I need to keep you away from Crowley."

Aziraphale stared at him in horror. "You wouldn't! If they found out, they... I would never forgive you!"

"I won't unless you force me to. I'm only looking out for you. You'll thank me one day.”

"I appreciate you wanting to protect me and I’m glad you care so much, but I’ve been on Earth for 6000 years and I know what I’m doing. You do not need to worry about me, I know how to handle Crowley.” Aziraphale stopped. A worrying thought had just crossed his mind. “What will you do if I get my old job back?"

Rachmiel stared at him. He looked troubled. “I don’t know. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

“There’s going to come a point where you’re going to have to trust me.”

Rachmiel frowned.

Aziraphale wondered if Rachmiel would actively try to stop him getting his old job back through a misguided desire to protect him. He felt miserable and trapped.

“Are you going to go to the gents or not?” Rachmiel asked. “Because we’re missing the film.”

“I’ll be quick.”

Rachmiel trailed behind Aziraphale as he walked towards the gents but thankfully did not follow him inside. Rachmiel stood outside the door like a guard.

Aziraphale went in and splashed his face with water to try to calm himself down. At least that awful conversation had killed any sexual urge he might have still felt. Not that he would have been able to take care of himself in here anyway. There were other people in here, not to mention it would be indecent in such a public place.

He re-joined Rachmiel quickly. Despite his annoyance at the other angel, he did feel guilty that he was making him miss part of the film. Rachmiel had been looking forward to it for months.

They went back inside and sat down. Aziraphale tried to cheer himself up by eating his chocolates.

After the film, neither of them felt quite the same way about clicking their fingers to perform miracles.

***

It was several weeks later and Rachmiel found himself taking the lift up to Briathos’ office on Earth. He barged into the room.

“Gabriel said you wanted to see me. What is this about?” Rachmiel asked, annoyed that he felt obligated to come here.

Briathos looked up from his work and smiled warmly. “Rachmiel! How wonderful to see you! Please, do take a seat.”

Feeling uncomfortable with Briathos’ uncharacteristic friendliness, he sat down and watched the other angel with suspicion.

“Make this quick,” Rachmiel said. He had a feeling he knew exactly what this would be about.

Briathos was still smiling but it felt fake, like he was trying too hard to be nice. “Well, Rachmiel, I have a wonderful opportunity for you. There are some things that you can do which would really make a difference in the fight against evil-”

“So you thought you’d ask me to help you, after every other angel you asked said no? Maybe they said no for a reason.”

Briathos’ smile vanished and he looked angry. “Oh, so you’ve all been talking about me behind my back, have you? Fine! They are all just petty children, allowing evil to succeed just because they want some kind of foolish revenge on me. They are all just bitter because I am more important than them. They’re jealous-”

“No. They are annoyed that you tried to stop their visits to Earth. You tried to stop me coming to Earth.”

“No, I didn’t! I just tried to put a stop to unnecessary, recreational visits to Earth.” Briathos forced a friendly smile onto his face again. “But Rachmiel, I’ve always known that your visits are very important, you do such good work. I would never have stopped your visits. You’re not petty like them, you’re better than the others, you would never let evil triumph just to get a cheap victory over one of your superiors.”

“Why should I, or any of the others, go out of our way to help someone that has been trying to sabotage us?”

“Sabotage? Sabotage?!” Briathos spluttered. “That is an unfounded and cruel accusation! I am surprised and disappointed in you, Rachmiel. If anyone is being sabotaged it’s me!”

Rachmiel sighed and rolled his eyes. He stood up. “Maybe you are just not as cut out for this job as you thought.”

Briathos looked furious, and Rachmiel knew he had hit a nerve. For a moment it seemed the angel might explode with anger but then he just deflated. He looked tired.

Rachmiel started to walk away towards the door. “I think I should leave-”

“Wait! Please.” Briathos sounded desperate.

Rachmiel paused.

“This is not about me, okay? It does not matter how you feel about me. This is about human souls. That demon is tainting them! I have to stop Brexit! I have to stop that demon! I can’t do it on my own, but with your help, we can turn the tide and save so many souls! Crowley has been so very lucky so far, but we can stop him!”

Rachmiel felt torn. He sat down and stared at the floor. Brexit was his fault. He had helped inspire Crowley to come up with it. And why? To get revenge on Briathos for being rude to him? To protect his visits to Earth so that he could watch films? To help Aziraphale get his old job back? He had been foolish and selfish to play with fire like that, he should never have helped a demon.

Thwarting Crowley would be the right thing to do. He could still redeem himself.

But if he helped Briathos now, that could really hurt Aziraphale’s chances of getting his old job back. Briathos was doing so poorly in this role that it seemed only a matter of time until Gabriel removed him and reinstated Aziraphale. If he helped Briathos now, it might undo all of that.

Rachmiel found himself wondering if it would really be so terrible if Aziraphale did not get his old job back. It might even be for the best. In Heaven, there was no risk of him being weak when it came to Crowley. He was safe up there. Stopping him getting his old job back might even be the right thing to do.

Rachmiel enjoyed Aziraphale being in Heaven, he could talk to him whenever he liked instead of only when he was visiting Earth. He liked having someone to talk about films with, and Aziraphale could still keep up to date with whatever was on at the cinema when they took their little jaunts to Earth together.

He knew that Aziraphale missed Earth and was miserable in Heaven, but he would get used to it eventually, might even learn to like it up there, and they could still visit Earth together, and he could protect him while they were there.

If Aziraphale were to be positioned on Earth permanently, he would run straight to Crowley and goodness knows what depravity the demon would inflict upon the innocent angel. It would be best for Aziraphale to stay in his current job.

Rachmiel looked over at Briathos, his mind made up. “What do you want me to do?”

Briathos grinned smugly.

***

Chapter Text

***

Aziraphale always thought that Rachmiel had been visiting his bookshop in order to check up on him under head office's orders, but he now realised that all of those visits had been purely social all along. He felt guilty for not trusting him, for not realising that Rachmiel saw him as a friend.

Aziraphale felt incredibly moved by this, he had not realised that he had any friends among the angels, but that didn't stop him from also feeling incredibly resentful and angry towards Rachmiel, who had become increasingly controlling.

They had been on Earth together twice since that jaunt at the cinema. First they went to America and then to Australia, which happened to be on the opposite side of the world to England and therefore as far away from Crowley as it was possible to be on Earth. Aziraphale knew that Rachmiel had personally chosen where they were sent, and he was purposefully making it as difficult as possible for him to get in touch with Crowley.

So when Rachmiel came to tell Aziraphale that they were being sent together by head office on a predetermined divine mission, meaning that Rachmiel had not chosen the location himself, he was hopeful that it would be somewhere a little closer to home.

“They want us to perform a divine intervention to make sure these two humans fall in love. It seems more Cupid’s sort of thing but he already has too much on his plate so Gabriel wants us to help out."

"Where do they need us to go?"

"A place called Lincoln. It's in England. I've never been there before, have you?"

Aziraphale smiled. "Oh yes. They have a lovely cathedral, and a castle. And lots of Tudor buildings. It's a wonderful place to explore, if you think they might allow us to stay for more than the usual several hours?"

"I think I can get them to agree to a weekend for this one."

Aziraphale knew that Lincoln was about a three hour drive away from London. It would be almost impossible to sneak away to see Crowley and far too dangerous anyway, even with Aziraphale's divine powers. He was scared about how Rachmiel would react if he caught him trying to reach Crowley.

But at least he would be back in England.

Aziraphale had something else on his mind and this seemed the perfect opportunity to make a suggestion. His chest tightened with anxiety, he had to get Rachmiel to agree to this or he would go mad.

“A weekend. Well, if we are on Earth overnight, we could take a hotel room each. I know a lovely hotel-”

Rachmiel looked confused. “Why? We don’t need to sleep.”

Aziraphale soldiered on heedless. "The rooms are lovely, and I adore their food - they have room service. And I could have a nice bubble bath."

Rachmiel looked suspicious of this. "I'm not leaving you alone in a hotel room. The second I leave, you will go straight to Crowley or somehow get him to come over to you."

"No, I won't. Lincoln is hours away from London anyway. This isn't about Crowley. I just want some nice alone time in a hotel."

"You spend lots of time alone. Most of the time you are guarding the gate, you are alone."

"But not on Earth!" Aziraphale said, his frustration starting to show in his voice. He forced a smile. "I’m sure you would enjoy staying in a hotel too, Rachmiel. You can watch any films you wish. I'll put it all on my card."

Rachmiel leant forward with interest. "They have films in hotels?"

"Oh yes, lots of films."

Rachmiel looked delighted. "We can share a hotel room and watch the films together. Why are you talking about us having separate rooms anyway?"

"I just require some privacy," Aziraphale said, feeling embarrassed. He did not want to explain why he needed this.

"Why? What could..." Rachmiel stopped. He looked disturbed. "Oh! Right. Yes, I didn't think of that. I expect you would need privacy for... er, that sort of thing."

Aziraphale looked away, unable to meet the other angel’s eye.

Rachmiel broke the awkward silence. "What films do they have in this hotel then?"

Aziraphale jumped on the change of subject. "All sorts of films. And box sets too."

"What's a box set?"

"Entire series' of television shows."

"Oh yes, I've heard about television but I've never seen any of it. I've only ever watched things at the cinema."

Aziraphale was shocked by this revelation. "Rachmiel, we need to get you in front of a television immediately. You will love it. You like westerns, right? You can watch Westworld. And The Lone Ranger."

Rachmiel looked confused. "The Lone Ranger is a film, though? I definitely saw that at the cinema a few years ago. It had that Pirates of the Caribbean man in it, and the bad witch from Harry Potter.”

“There was a television series many years before that film. Rachmiel, you will have so many films and television shows to choose from.”

"They have old TV shows and films?! Can I rewatch Clint Eastwood films? And John Wayne? It's been so long since I last saw one! I didn't know old films were still being shown anywhere!"

"I'm sure we can find them," Aziraphale said confidently. He knew the television in the hotel would have access to pay-per-view films, and it should have access to Netflix too – if not then he would make sure it miraculously would. He was glad that Crowley had convinced him to try Netflix.

And one day he might even introduce Rachmiel to DVDs.

***

Rachmiel looked disappointed as he gazed around the hotel room. “The television is a bit small.”

“Nonsense. That's a large, widescreen Television, it’s actually rather big.”

Rachmiel sat on the bed while Aziraphale turned on the television and started pressing buttons on the remote control.

“I suppose I’m just used to the huge screens in theatres.”

“You’ll get used to this too."

"I hope so. At least it will be nice to watch something without the general public talking over it and kicking my seat."

Aziraphale taught Rachmiel how to use the television, pausing only to order room-service to Rachmiel’s room. He ate there while they started watching The Lone Ranger series together.

Aziraphale downed the last drops of wine from his glass. “Well, er… I’ll just head next door then.”

He stood up, taking the bottle of wine and the empty glass with him.

“Yup.” Rachmiel said, not looking away from the screen.

Aziraphale backed away. “If all else fails, just miracle the television to do what you want.”

“Yeah.”

Aziraphale slipped quietly through the open door that connected their rooms - Rachmiel had insisted that they get adjoining rooms – and quietly closed it behind him. He locked the door. He knew this would not stop an angel from miracling the door open, but he felt it left a clear message that he wanted to be alone.

He could just about hear the sound of the television blaring from the other room. He sat down on a chair by a large desk and poured himself another glass of wine, took a sip, then shifted his attention to the telephone and picked up the receiver nervously.

He was amazed that Rachmiel had not predicted that he would try to get in touch with Crowley the second he was left alone with any method of communication. Perhaps the other angel had not noticed they each had a telephone in their room.

He wished he could remember Crowley’s mobile number off the top of his head, but he had only memorised one of his landline numbers. He dialled it, praying desperately that Crowley would be in. He wanted so badly to talk to him.

He waited while the phone rang, tapping his foot impatiently on the carpet and staring fretfully at the door separating him from the other angel.

Crowley's voice spoke against his ear and Aziraphale's breath caught in his throat. It had been years since he had last heard that voice.

“Hi. This is Anthony Crowley. Uh. I’m probably not in right now, or asleep, and busy, or something..."

Aziraphale realised it was only the answering machine. He felt disappointed but at the same time hearing Crowley's voice again made him feel so very happy.

"...after the tone and I'll get right back to you. Chow.”

BeeeEEeeeEEeee

"Oh! Er... I hate these things. It's me! Aziraphale!” Aziraphale lowered his voice, glancing at the door. “Head Office have been letting me come to Earth on little visits under Rachmiel's watch to do some miracles and the like, but he's being an absolute nuisance and won't let me see you! He won't let me out of his sight most of the time! But I'm in a hotel in Lincoln. So. Er... How long can I speak on this thing before it cuts out? Please pick up if you're there? Rachmiel is only in the other room so I have to be careful... I'll try calling you again later. Please don't call me or he might hear the phone ring! He's being very difficult about my wanting to see you. I'll call you back in a few hours. And I’ll call you again before we leave. Er... I hope you are okay, my dear. Goodbye."

Aziraphale hung up the phone and sighed, wondering where Crowley was. It was 7pm, maybe he had gone out for dinner. Hopefully he would be back soon.

After a few minutes, Aziraphale bustled into the bathroom taking his glass of wine with him.

He started to run a bath for himself, pouring in some complimentary bubble bath and then swishing a hand through the foam. The familiar routine and the smell of the warm soapy water made him feel much more relaxed and at home.

Returning to the other room while the bath continued to fill, he started to get undressed, carefully folding his clothes and placing them on a chair beside the bed.

The more layers of clothing he lost the more self-conscious he felt, glancing at the door, scared that Rachmiel would come barging in for some reason and see him naked.

Of course, Rachmiel, being sexless, would certainly be shocked by his male anatomy, but Aziraphale didn't even like to be seen without his shirt on, it would make him feel embarrassed.

In the past, nudity had never instilled this embarrassment in him, even though, as far back as he could remember, the angel's wore robes to cover themselves despite being sexless. Perhaps humanity’s hang-ups had rubbed off on him, but he suspected it was mostly due to his new-found sexuality. He had never been worried about his attractiveness before he had a sex drive.

Aziraphale made his way quickly into the bathroom and closed the door. Before long he was stepping into the refreshing and warm water. All of his stress and worry seemed to dissolve away from him as he laid down, water gently lapping at his shoulders.

He breathed in the scented steam, detecting a hint of lavender, and sighed contentedly. He had missed bubble baths, it was one of life’s little pleasures. He closed his eyes and slipped down a little deeper into the water.

He thought again about that phonecall to Crowley. It was such a shame that he hasn't been able to speak to him. He opened his eyes, remembering Crowley telling him how he had shrunk himself down and zoomed around through the telephone lines with Hastur hot on his tail. It occurred to Aziraphale that Crowley might be able to travel through the phone lines and appear here, in his hotel room. He felt a jolt of excitement at the thought of it.

He considered attempting to get hold of Crowley again to tell him of this idea, but the more he pondered it, the more he knew that it would be too dangerous. If Rachmiel found out Crowley has been in his room he would be furious and stop his visits to Earth.

Trying to call Crowley on the phone was risky in itself, actually bringing him here or going down the phone lines to see him himself would be asking for trouble.

Disappointed, Aziraphale reached for his glass and downed the rest of his wine.

He sank down in the bath, the water swaying against his chin, and closed his eyes.

Nice to think of it though, to imagine Crowley zooming through the telephone line and suddenly materialising in his hotel room. He pictured the bathroom door quietly opening and Crowley sneaking inside with a sly grin before locking the door closed behind him. Crowley would move towards him and kneel down beside the tub, their faces close, gold eyes dancing with mischief. “Aziraphale, you’ve been keeping a very naughty secret from me, haven’t you?”

He imagined Crowley’s hand slipping into the water and taking hold of him, the demon’s voice a whisper in his ear, teasing but playful. “How very naughty of you, angel. You’re so hard for me.”

Alone in the bathroom, biting his lower lip, his eyes closed, Aziraphale stroked himself and pretended it was Crowley doing it.

It had been so long since he had last been able to pleasure himself, since he had last felt this good, that he knew he wouldn’t last very long.

He pictured Crowley, naked, climbing into the bath, sinking down and straddling his lap. Crowley’s hands all over him, both of them dripping wet, water droplets falling from Crowley’s hair, down his nose, his jaw.

Aziraphale imagined huge black wings unfurling and spreading over them. Crowley, grinding against him, leaning forward to gasp in his ear, “Do you like that, Aziraphale? You can’t resist me. I’m going to make you cum so hard. Cum for me, angel.”

Aziraphale tensed, trembling as he came. He covered his mouth with his free hand, trying to keep himself quiet as a strangled whimper escaped him.

He lay his head back, smiling as he lazily opened his eyes, breathing heavily and indulging in the afterglow.

Slowly, he drifted back to reality and started to feel embarrassed and guilty for fantasising about his friend like that. He blamed it on the wine.

Sitting up, his face contorted with shock. He could feel his seed moving around in the water. What a terrible mess. Why on earth had he chosen to do this in the bath?

He climbed out of the tub, feeling filthier than when he got in. Paranoid, he had a quick shower to make sure there was no evidence of what he has done, then he drained and cleaned the bath. He did not miracle the bath clean. He never used miracles for this sort of thing because he knew that his people kept track of his miracles, though he was unsure to what extent and detail. He did not want to risk them knowing such private and humiliating things.

He dried himself and then left the bathroom, miracling himself a comfortable outfit so that he could lounge in bed. He had planned to call Crowley again after his bath but he did not think he could handle speaking to him so soon after having fantasised about him, not without dying of shame.

He could still hear the distant sound of the television next door. He switched on his own television and found a radio station that played classical music. Mozart. He smiled blissfully. It had been years since he had heard anything other than Elgar and Liszt.

He laid down on the bed and stretched happily. He savoured the music, closing his eyes as he listened to it until slowly, accidently, he fell asleep.

He awoke the next morning, surprised and groggy. It was 7am, he had wasted hours sleeping. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. The music was still playing so he turned it down and could just about hear Rachmiel’s television through the wall. The other angel had been watching television all night.

Aziraphale went over to the telephone. He had wanted to ring Crowley again last night and felt annoyed at himself for falling asleep instead. This was his last chance, he would have to leave the hotel in just under an hour with Rachmiel.

He rang Crowley's number.

“Hi. This is Anthony Crowley. Uh. I’m probably not in right now."

Aziraphale hissed with frustration. Where on Earth was he?

BeeeEEeeeEEeee

"It's me again. Apologies for not calling you again last night. Where are you, Crowley? Oh, I do wish I could remember your mobile number. Oh, well, it can't be helped. I won’t get another chance to call you again this visit, but hopefully next time I’m on Earth I’ll be able. I must go with Rachmiel now to perform some final miracles. Goodbye, Crowley.”

Aziraphale hung up the phone then looked down at the comfy attire he was wearing which he had miracled for himself the day before. He quickly put his human clothes back on, wishing them clean and perfectly pressed, then went to see Rachmiel.

He had just enough time for a full English breakfast and a cup of tea with a croissant before they left the hotel.

***

Crowley walked into his flat and made his way towards the sofa, glad to be back home and able to relax for a bit.

He had spent the weekend away for work on a business trip and had actually found it to be a welcome change of pace. It had served as a much needed distraction from all of the Brexit nonsense that he had been dealing with recently.

Briathos had redoubled his efforts in trying to meddle with Brexit, but the real kick in the teeth came when Crowley realised that Rachmiel, the very one who had helped him dream up the whole blasted thing in the first place, had now swapped sides and was attempting to help Briathos. The angels didn’t seem to be making much headway - the humans were well and truly in charge of Brexit now, and any demonic or angelic intervention seemed fruitless - but Crowley couldn’t take any risks and needed to keep a close eye on things, just in case.

He had barely sat down before he realised that the answering machine was beeping in the other room. Groaning with annoyance, he reluctantly dragged himself away from the television that he had been looking forward to watching and opened the door to his office.

Aziraphale’s books were everywhere, piled high from floor to ceiling. Crowley manoeuvred carefully around a stack of prophetic books, squeezed between a cabinet and a heap of Oscar Wilde’s, then triumphantly found his desk, narrowly avoiding causing an avalanche of bibles.

The red light was flashing on his answering machine.

He waved a hand and the cassette in the machine rewound itself and the first of two messages started to play.

"Oh! Er... I hate these things.”

Aziraphale! It was Aziraphale’s voice! Aziraphale had called him, he was back on Earth! Crowley grinned at the machine.

“It's me! Aziraphale!”

Crowley excitedly pulled his mobile phone from his pocket. Perhaps Aziraphale was back at his bookshop and he could give him a call.

“Head Office have been letting me come to Earth on little visits under Rachmiel's watch to do some miracles and the like, but he's being an absolute nuisance and won't let me see you! He won't let me out of his sight most of the time!”

Oh. So this was not a permanent thing and he was stuck with that blasted Rachmiel. Crowley lowered his mobile phone sadly.

“I'm in a hotel in Lincoln.”

“Bloody hell,” Crowley blurted out.

Aziraphale was in Lincoln?! Crowley could not believe this. He had just driven back home from Lincoln. His people had demanded he go there and tempt this couple into splitting up.

Yesterday, Crowley had found the couple in a restaurant having lunch. He caused them to have a huge argument in which they said some rather awful things to each other and then stormed off in opposite directions, completely forgetting to even pay for their food. Crowley figured that this would probably do the trick so he spent the next 24 hours going on a pub crawl across the city, taking a brief break from drinking only in order to go on a Ghost Walk Tour around dark, historic streets.

During the tour, he delighted in taking every opportunity to use his occult powers to make street lights flicker ominously, spooky and worrying sounds drift through the air and to make things seem to move by themselves. Several people swore they saw something ghostly move through the trees. Crowley even managed to frighten the tour guide.

And Aziraphale had been in the area the whole damned time.

Was he still there now?

“Please don't call me or he might hear the phone ring! He's being very difficult about my wanting to see you. I'll call you back in a few hours. And I’ll call you again before we leave. Er... I hope you are okay, my dear. Goodbye."

A robotic voice sounded. Six fifty-seven pee emm. Saturday twenty-first February.

Yesterday! He had called him yesterday!

Aziraphale said he would call him again before they left, perhaps there was still a chance they could talk to each other. Nothing could have made Crowley step away his telephone in that moment. He stared at it hopefully.

The final message from early that morning played and Crowley knew he had missed his chance. Aziraphale said that they were returning to Heaven after performing some final miracles. The angel would not try to call again and was probably gone by now anyway.

Crowley decided that this landline really ought to divert to his mobile, and with a thought, it now magically did. Crowley took comfort in knowing that if Aziraphale called again during one of his visits to Earth he would be able to answer the call no matter where he was.

Crowley listened to both messages again, smiling at the sound of Aziraphale’s voice. He then carefully removed the cassette from the answering machine, wrote ‘Aziraphale’ on the white strip and then put it somewhere safe. Who knew when he would next be able to hear the angel’s voice?

The TV in the living room switched itself on and for once it was not through Crowley wishing for it. Warily, he went to investigate.

CROWLEY? CROWLEY? I KNOW YOU’RE THERE-

He sat on the arm of the sofa. “Hi.”

THE HUMAN COUPLE THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SPLIT UP…

“Oh yes! They had a massive argument in front of everyone. It was great! Caused such a scene. They said they would never speak to each other ever-

WHY ARE THEY NOW ENGAGED, CROWLEY?

“Er… what?”

THEY JUST GOT ENGAGED TO BE WED! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO RUIN THEIR RELATIONSHIP!

“Oh dear.”

OH DEAR? OH DEAR?! IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? WHAT HAPPENED?

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have automatically assumed that the couple meant it when they said they would never speak to each other ever again. And abandoning them to go drinking was probably not a great idea either. At the very least he should have checked in on the couple before swanning off home to London, this was especially true now he knew that Aziraphale and Rachmiel had been in the area.

“I, uh, I think I may have been thwarted. I’ve just had some intel’ that a couple of angels were operating in the area all along.”

FOR HELL’S SAKE, CROWLEY! WELL IT’S TOO LATE NOW, ONCE THEY’RE ENGAGED THEIR FATE IS SEALED. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOUR INCOMPITENCE HAS DONE? TOGETHER, THEY WILL DO GREAT AND WONDERFUL THINGS. IT’S TERRIBLE!

“Sorry,” Crowley said guiltily.

UGHH. WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER? I TRY MY BEST TO MAKE THE WORLD A WORSE PLACE AND THEN IDIOTS LIKE YOU MESS IT UP. SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY I EVEN COME INTO THE OFFICE IN THE MORNING. CROWLEY, PLEASE, I BEG YOU, DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND GO JUMP IN A CHURCH FONT.

The television switched itself off angrily and Crowley was alone.

“Rude,” he said to the silent television.

He was fairly certain that Aziraphale and Rachmiel were responsible for his mission going so spectacularly pear shaped. But this was good. Aziraphale’s people had probably planned this as a test, to see if Aziraphale really was that good at thwarting him. Crowley was glad he had done such a half-arsed job. Perhaps, this would help Aziraphale to get his old job back.

Crowley had hoped that Aziraphale would have been given his old position back by now. His Brexit idea was working a treat, Hell were very pleased with him, so Heaven must be reconsidering Briathos’s position, surely?

At least Aziraphale was being granted visits to Earth, he must have been missing the old planet immensely. Crowley knew that if he were in the same position, trapped in Hell, unable to come up here, he would go crazy.

He hoped that the next time Aziraphale came to Earth that he would be able to get away from Rachmiel and meet up with him. It had been years and Crowley missed him.

He wondered how Aziraphale would feel around him now, knowing his secret had been revealed. Would he feel embarrassed or would he just act as though nothing had happened?

Crowley wondered if Aziraphale might have a crush on him. Perhaps the angel was just good at hiding it, or maybe Crowley’s belief that Aziraphale was sexless meant that he had never actually looked for any hints and therefore never noticed anything.

Crowley snapped his fingers and his recently purchased, sleek and slimlined laptop-computer appeared upon his lap. He blinked and the screen burst into life, showing his last internet search - he had been googling his name.

He typed in, ‘How to tell if someone fancies you.’

Crowley clicked around, looking at a few of the results.

“Well, of course he makes eye contact with me and smiles at me, he’s not a damned robot,” he muttered to himself under his breath. “And of course he laughs at my jokes, I’m bloody hilarious. This is stupid.”

He persevered despite his annoyance, and after a bit more research he found that the internet was recommending two things in particular. Either flirt to see how your crush reacts then see if they flirt back, or try the quick and direct approach of just asking your crush how they feel about you, or tell them how you feel yourself. The internet assured him that good communication goes a long way.

But there was no way in Hell that Crowley was going to just ask Aziraphale if he fancied him, or, Heaven forbid, just casually confess all himself.

Which left him with flirting.

Crowley anxiously clenched his jaw. This was going to be difficult.

He googled, ‘How to flirt.’

The internet said that he should innocently and playfully touch Aziraphale to see how the angel reacted. If Aziraphale seemed to like it or if he became embarrassed, it was a potential sign he was attracted to him.

But they touched each other all the time. A touch to the shoulder, a pat on the back, Aziraphale taking him by the arm excitedly to steer him towards a new coffee shop he had just spotted. It was normal for them.

Crowley was not sure how he could ramp up the touching without just outright groping him.

***

Chapter Text

***

March 2019.

It was time. The deadline for Brexit was finally here.

But nothing had been decided yet, and so the EU allowed the deadline to be extended to the 31st October. Halloween. Crowley’s little joke.

It had been almost three years since Leave had won. Everyone was fed up and frustrated. Tensions were frayed. Businesses were preparing for something that might never happen. Everyone just wanted it all to end, one way or another, but it just kept dragging on and on and on.

***

Briathos took a slightly longer route back to his Office so that he could go past Aziraphale’s old bookshop on the way. He did this often, and always got such a buzz from seeing it so derelict and empty with boards up all around it. Soon it would be a building site and eventually it would be like the place had never even existed. He just wished they would get a move on with it, it had been years already. He had been told the delay was due to the current economic climate in the UK, whatever that meant.

Upon entering his office, he went to the huge windows and stood watching the humans scuttle around like ants beneath him.

His gaze fell to his silver car, parked far below him on the street. He watched it suspiciously, checking that no humans were tampering with it. Someone had been letting the air out of his tyres. It had been happening for a while now, even as far back as when he had been living in the bookshop, and it made him furious. He easily miracled it back to perfection every time but that was beside the point and he took it very personally.

A beam of blue light shone down beside him and he took a step back.

“Hello, Briathos. It is I, the Metatron.”

“Oh. Hello.”

“Listen. It has been decided that it is best for you to return to Heaven. Things are not working out.”

Briathos was shocked. “What?! No! But I want to stay! I’ve not finished yet! I can make everything better!”

“No. You’ve had your chance, and now we’ve had enough. The UK is in a mess and now the Brexit deadline has been extended yet again. So many souls are drifting from our grasp! You have had plenty of opportunity to prove yourself and you have failed. We need someone who can keep that demon under control, someone who understands how he thinks. Aziraphale has always-”

“No!” Briathos hissed between his teeth, his hatred and his jealousy towards Aziraphale boiling over. “No! You can’t reinstate that clown! This is absolute madness!”

“Do not interrupt me, Briathos!”

Briathos crossed his arms and glared into the light. “I won’t go back!”

“This is not up for debate. It has been decided. Step into the light and come home right this instant.”

“I’m going to talk to Gabriel about this. He knows that Aziraphale is a joke. He understands!”

“You do that. You go talk to him, but it won’t do you any good. Now step into the light. I will not ask you again!”

Hands clenched at his sides, Briathos strode into the light. He would speak to Gabriel straight away. The Archangel would certainly be on his side and would help him to get this decision reversed.

***

Crowley was watching television in his apartment when there was a knock at his front door.

Almost an hour ago he had ordered pizza and he had been wondering where it had gotten to. He leapt up eagerly from the sofa and flung the door wide open, expecting to see a pizza delivery guy stood in front of him but instead he found himself staring open mouthed at Aziraphale.

The angel smiled happily. "Hello, my dear! Sorry I didn't call ahead- oh!"

Crowley was so overwhelmed with happiness that he pulled Aziraphale into a hug.

"It's lovely to see you too," Aziraphale said with some amusement and a hint of embarrassment.

Crowley released the angel. "Is... Is this a permanent thing or just one of those little visits you mentioned on the phone?"

"Oh, good. You did get my messages! It's permanent. Gabriel said so. I’ve got my old job back!"

"Nice!"

They heard the sound of the front door opening below them. Leaning over the railing, Crowley saw the pizza delivery guy coming inside. Crowley always left the outside door unlocked when he ordered pizza.

"Up here!" Crowley shouted. He gave them a little wave. He turned back towards Aziraphale and pointed at the man below them. "I was worried for a moment that it might be Rachmiel chasing you down or something. You said in those messages that he wouldn’t let you out of his sight and doesn’t want us hanging out together. How'd you shake him?"

"You ordered pizza?" Aziraphale asked, bright eyed and hopeful.

Crowley smiled. "There's plenty if you want to share."

"Well, I mean, if you're offering. Thank you," Aziraphale said, looking pleased with himself. "Oh, and I don’t think Rachmiel even knows I’ve been sent back yet. I’m lucky he was not hanging around when they told me. It all happened rather fast.”

“Is he on Earth? Is he likely to come looking for you?”

“No, he’s stuck in Heaven, I’m sure of it. I remember him saying his next visit to Earth isn’t for a week or two - some film he wanted to see. They won’t let him come to Earth without having already pre-booked a visit, so I think we’re safe.”

“He really doesn’t like me, huh?”

Aziraphale gave him an apologetic look. “Well, I think he just can’t quite bring himself to trust you. You are a demon after all.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

Crowley walked down a few steps to meet the pizza delivery guy. “Keep the change,” he said, his happiness making him feel generous as he dropped some notes into the man’s hand and took the cardboard box from him.

Aziraphale opened the door and let Crowley through before following him into the flat.

Crowley glanced back over his shoulder at Aziraphale. “I hope you’re in the mood for barbecue chicken.”

Aziraphale nodded in agreement, smiling happily as he followed Crowley into the kitchen. They got some drinks and then returned to the living room to settle down on the sofa together.

Aziraphale helped himself to a slice of pizza and took a bite. His eyes fluttered closed, and he smiled blissfully as he let out a happy little sound. “Oh, thank you, Crowley. It’s delicious. I do miss being able to eat while I'm in Heaven.”

The angel’s face faltered for only a moment, but Crowley saw it. They were both aware of what else Aziraphale missed being able to do while he was up there.

Supressing a smile, Crowley took a big bite of pizza.

“I, er, I do hope Rachmiel wasn’t too rude to you," Aziraphale said, "I mean, I told him you were different to the other demons, but angels tend to have a certain… prejudice.”

“Nah. He wasn’t too bad. Well, maybe later on he was kinda rude, I guess. But he quite surprised me actually. When I first met him he was scared of me.”

“Scared?” Aziraphale stared at him in disbelief. He let out a confused little laugh. “Don’t be silly, my dear.”

“I’m telling you, when Rachmiel first stepped into the bookshop and I turned around to face him, he all but had a panic attack. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone that frightened of me before. It was actually rather flattering. One tries, you know? One tries.”

“What did you do to scare him like that?”

“Ah, you know. I fixed him with the old snake eyes, hissed at him a bit, told him to ‘get out or else’ while advancing menacingly. The usual scary stuff.”

Aziraphale opened his mouth to say something but then he seemed to think better of it. “Huh,” he said instead. “Well I never.”

“He must have a demon phobia or something. He looked about ready to cry.”

Aziraphale still seemed a little doubtful. He frowned. “When I first saw him after he met you, he did seem genuinely surprised that you didn’t attack him. He's always talked as though demons are these wild animals.”

“The last couple of times I saw him he had more confidence. He actually came into my flat and told me off, all self-righteous like. So I guess he got over his fear for the most part. He’s just lucky his first encounter with a demon wasn’t with Hastur or someone.”

They went quiet for a little while, concentrating on their food. A quiz show was on the television.

"I've been told that they’re going to keep Briathos in Heaven for a while,” Aziraphale said, "I hope it will be for a very long time."

“Briathos is a prat and I’m happy he has finally buggered off. He told me they were punishing you up there! All sorts was going through my head.”

“Rachmiel told me. I’m so sorry.”

“To be honest, Briathos wasn’t much trouble after that first encounter. And I was able to save your shop and the books. I’ll help you put everything back again when you’re ready, I've got most of your books in my office to keep them safe."

The angel smiled. "Thank you, my dear."

“How do you know Rachmiel? I don’t remember you ever mentioning him before.”

Aziraphale casually took another slice of pizza. “Oh, he came into the bookshop for a chat every now and then. I thought he was being sent by Head Office to check up on me, but it seems he actually just wanted to hang out, as you would put it.”

Crowley nodded. “Yeah, I remember you talking about an angel dropping in every now and then. I didn’t realise you were so close.”

“We weren’t really, not to start off with. But he was one of the few angels that actually wanted to talk to me up there, and I think he rather kept me sane actually, so I suppose I can forgive him for being such a pain in the backside.”

Crowley smiled. "Yeah, he's been getting on my nerves too. Oh, and I'm sorry I missed your calls by the way. I couldn't believe it when you said you were in Lincoln. I was there too, that's why I wasn't home."

"You were in Lincoln?! Oh, I wish I'd known your mobile number. We might have been able to work out a way to see each other."

"Head office sent me there to split up this couple. I thought I'd managed it but when I got home again Head Office told me that they were engaged now. Was that your handiwork by any chance?"

Aziraphale looked mortified. "Oh, I'm so sorry! My people sent us there to get them together. I didn't realise you were involved. I hope you didn't get into too much trouble."

"Nah, it was alright. I think your people sent you to thwart me on purpose as a test. I wonder if that helped you get your job back."

"Maybe," Aziraphale said. "Well I never. I wonder if Rachmiel knew you were in the area."

Crowley paused. He tried to act as casually as he could while he asked Aziraphale something that had been worrying him. "You said that you and Rachmiel were staying in a hotel together. Were you sharing a room or...?"

"We had separate rooms. Adjoining. I wouldn't have been able to ring you if I'd been sharing with him, silly."

"Oh. Yeah."

"He wanted to share though. I had to put my foot down."

Crowley felt a stab of jealousy and paranoia. "Are you and him... Sorry, I know it's none of my business..."

Aziraphale looked at him with surprise. "Are you... Are you asking if me and Rachmiel are an item?"

“Er, yeah. Are you?”

Aziraphale let out an astonished little laugh. “No! No. We’re not. I would never- not with him. I mean, he’s sexless for a start, but even if he wasn’t… no. Just no.”

“Oh. I mean, I figured he probably was sexless. Because he doesn’t even eat or drink so I didn’t think he’d… you know.” Crowley took a sip of his drink. “Have you ever… er, been with anyone?”

“No.”

Crowley nodded thoughtfully. He took a bite of pizza.

“Have you?” Aziraphale asked.

Crowley turned to look at the angel, whose gaze was suddenly fixed on the television.

In 6000 years, Crowley had never told the angel anything about his sexual experiences. He had feared that Aziraphale, so judgmental of lust, would disapprove of his past.

But things felt different now, he felt he could be open with him.

“Er. Yeah.”

Aziraphale nodded, he glanced at him then turned back to the television. “With, er, humans?”

“No.”

Aziraphale turned to look at the demon who was now very interested in his pizza.

“Well… it’d be weird,” said Crowley. “I mean, they’re like a different species, and their lives are so short.”

“Yes. I know what you mean,” Aziraphale said. “So, er, with a demon then?”

“Um. Yeah. I mean, there were a few demons, but it was a very long time ago. At the beginning, when sex was brand new and everyone was experimenting. But it didn’t feel right with any of them.”

Crowley glanced at Aziraphale, scared he would be appalled, but he just seemed deep in thought.

“So, er, you’ve had a sex drive for a very long time then. I didn’t realise… as far back as Eden?”

“Yeah. How about you?”

“Oh. Er. A little while after we found out Armageddon was being set into motion. I figured I might as well find out what all the fuss was about while I still could. I only meant to try it once, but... er..." Aziraphale drifted into silence and stared at the floor.

"It's kinda addictive," Crowley supplied.

Aziraphale nodded sheepishly.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I... I don't know. I wanted to. I just... It was embarrassing and I thought you'd laugh at me. I used to look down on people who felt desire. I’m such a hypocrite. I'm sorry, I know I've said some rather condescending things to you in the past about you having a sex drive. But I didn’t understand what it was really like."

“It’s okay, I understand. Don’t be embarrassed.” Crowley paused. He took a deep breath. "Er, Rachmiel said that the reason you didn't tell me was because you were worried I'd make a fool of myself by throwing myself at you."

"What?” Aziraphale looked mortified. “I never said anything like that at all! How dare he! Rachmiel needs to stop poking his nose in where it doesn’t belong. He has been telling me that I should keep away from you, that you’re dangerous. He has this silly idea in his head that you are going to try to take advantage of me or something."

Crowley’s dislike of Rachmiel intensified. "What? I would never take advantage of you. Or anyone!"

"I know that. I told him you wouldn’t. He’s paranoid and wouldn’t listen."

“You’re my best friend. I would never hurt you. You know that, right?”

Aziraphale nodded and gave him a smile. “Yeah, I know. You’re my best friend too.”

“I’ve really missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

Crowley wanted to say more. He wanted to tell Aziraphale how he felt about him, how much he meant to him, and just get it all out in the open. It was what the internet had told him to do, it was what he felt he ought to do and it seemed the perfect opportunity, yet he just couldn’t get the words out.

Aziraphale was the first to break the silence. “Do you… do you want that last slice of pizza?”

And the moment was gone.

“Nah. Go for it.”

Aziraphale took the last slice eagerly. “Thank you.”

Crowley stared at the television. He was pathetic, he was never going to be able to tell him how he felt. His only option was to flirt with him and hope Aziraphale responded in kind but he was scared he would mess that up too.

Desperately, he tried to think of something alluring he could do. He started to lick his fingers clean sensuously but Aziraphale didn’t seem to even notice, he was too busy eating pizza and watching television. Crowley gave up.

Then he gave himself a much needed mental pep talk. He’d discovered some spectacular ways to flirt which he was sure would get Aziraphale going. In fact, as soon as Aziraphale finished eating pizza he could set into motion his ‘dessert-related flirtation plan.’

It could not fail.

***

Crowley vanished into the kitchen taking the empty pizza box away with him.

Aziraphale knew that he had made a terrible mistake.

He should not have come straight here to see Crowley. In hindsight he ought to have gone to his bookshop or somewhere and taken care of himself first. Having his physical body back after spending so much time in Heaven left him easily excited. He had not been able to feel desire, let alone sexual pleasure, since staying at the hotel a few weeks ago.

Being around Crowley was more difficult than he had expected, and that hug at the door and all this talk about sex was not helping the situation.

But Rachmiel had been keeping them apart for so long that Aziraphale had been unable to resist the urge to come here, in fact, he hadn't even considered going anywhere else.

Aziraphale looked up as Crowley returned holding two bowls of ice-cream, each one drizzled with chocolate sauce and garnished with a cherry on the top.

“Thank you,” he said, taking a proffered bowl.

Aziraphale couldn’t help but notice that the top few buttons of Crowley’s shirt were now undone, he was sure it had been fully buttoned-up only moments before. He realised he was staring at Crowley’s bare throat and quickly averted his eyes.

He picked up the spoon that was wedged in his ice-cream and glanced at Crowley again. The demon was plucking the cherry from its stalk with his teeth. Aziraphale quickly looked away and wondered how on Earth he was going to get through the evening.

“Hey, guess what? I’ve learnt a new party trick,” Crowley said.

Aziraphale looked at him with curiosity. Crowley was still holding the cherry stalk.

“Watch this,” Crowley said with a smile.

Crowley put the stalk into his mouth, which in Aziraphale’s opinion had to be a choking hazard, then his brow knitted in concentration and moments later Crowley was sticking out his tongue with the cherry stalk perched on the tip of it. He plucked the stalk up between his fingers and showed it to the angel. It now had a knot in it. Aziraphale didn’t know how to respond to this.

“Neat, eh?” Crowley said.

Aziraphale felt confused. “Did you use your occult powers to put a knot in that?”

“No, I used my tongue.”

“Oh. So it’s like a magic trick. I like magic tricks,” Aziraphale said desperately, trying not to think about Crowley’s tongue. He could feel his cheeks blushing.

Crowley smiled. “It’s not easy. For humans anyway. But I’ve got a very dextrous tongue.”

Oh, but this was all a bit much. Aziraphale didn’t know what to say, he knew Crowley must be doing this on purpose. He realised he had stopped breathing.

Crowley smiled charmingly and Aziraphale felt his heart flutter. The demon removed his sunglasses and twirled them in his fingers absentmindedly before placing them and the knotted cherry stalk on the coffee table next to his bowl of ice-cream.

Crowley turned back to the angel. “Your bowtie is wonky.”

“What?”

“Your bowtie. It’s been doing my head in all evening. Do you mind if I…?”

Crowley reached towards him and Aziraphale kept himself very still as long fingers started to rearrange his bowtie.

Crowley shifted closer to him and leant in as he fussed with the bowtie. Aziraphale was painfully aware of how close their faces were. The demon’s eyes were lowered to Aziraphale’s collar. A finger grazed against Aziraphale’s throat sending a shockwave of need through him. Crowley was so close. He wanted to kiss him, the urge was almost overpowering.

“There, that’s better,” Crowley said, and his gaze lifted and their eyes met.

Aziraphale’s heart was racing. It would be so easy to close the gap between them and kiss him but he was too scared. He felt confused and unsure, unable to quite believe that Crowley was really flirting with him, that this was really happening. He wanted Crowley to kiss him, he needed him to be the one to take that leap, and for a moment he thought that Crowley might but then the demon sat back again with a nervous and awkward little smile.

The silence was broken by a click and they both turned in unison to watch as Crowley’s front door unlocked itself.

“Are you doing that-” Crowley started, confused, but he stopped abruptly when he saw the door handle move.

The door swung open to reveal an extremely angry angel holding a flaming sword.

***

Chapter Text

***

“Well, I suppose if it’s urgent and an archangel signs for it then we could book you in for, say, next Friday. You just need to fill out this paperwork first.”

“But that’s not soon enough! I need to go to Earth right now!” Rachmiel pleaded desperately, “You don’t understand, it’s extremely important!”

The angel, whose name was Pravuil, looked concerned. “Why? What's wrong?”

Rachmiel did not dare to tell her what was wrong. He could feel the panic swelling up inside of him. Aziraphale had been sent back to Earth over an hour ago and he had only just found out. He was scared that Crowley would do something perverted to him and Aziraphale would be so blinded by his idiotic love for the demon that he would not even try to resist it and end up getting hurt.

Rachmiel had done his best to trick Crowley into thinking that Aziraphale wasn't attracted to him but he couldn't be sure that the demon had really believed him, or wouldn't at least try his luck.

If he could just see Aziraphale, he could give him one last pep talk.

“I just really need to go to Earth! Please, you need to trust me, it’s very important!”

“I’m sorry, Rachmiel, there’s nothing I can do. Perhaps if you talk to Gabriel and explain the situation he might…” Pravuil trailed off and stared at a point over Rachmiel’s shoulder with a mixture of shock and disbelief.

Rachmiel turned around and saw Briathos storming across the open office carrying a flaming sword.

An angel burst out of a side door and ran after Briathos. “You can’t just take those! You need to sign weapons out first. You’ve not even been authorised… come back!”

Briathos ignored him. He was muttering angrily under his breath. He marched through a different door and slammed it closed behind him.

Rachmiel gasped. “He’s in the teleportation room! He’s trying to go back to Earth! W…Why has he taken a flaming sword with him?”

Behind her desk, Pravuil just shook her head in bewilderment.

The angel that had been chasing Briathos opened the door and went in after him. In the short time the door was open, Rachmiel could hear angry, raised voices.

Someone else ran out of the same room looking frightened. “Gabriel? Gabriel!” They shouted, and ran into an office. Seconds later they returned with Gabriel who looked tired, fed up and absolutely livid.

Everyone in the office was watching. This was the most exciting thing to happen since Michael had attacked the photocopier in a wild frenzy because it refused to print in colour.

Gabriel strode into the teleportation room. The scared angel followed him and hovered nervously in the open doorway.

Full of worry, Rachmiel went over to the nervous angel. They turned and looked at him with wide eyes.

“He just shoved me out the way and went into the light! There was nothing I could do. He had a sword. Nothing I could do…”

Rachmiel carefully slipped past them into the room.

Briathos was gone. Only Gabriel and the angel that had shouted at Briathos for stealing the sword remained.

There was a pillar of blue light in the middle of the room and Gabriel was currently yelling furiously at it.

“Briathos! I know you can hear me! Get back into the light right now! Do not make me come down there. I don’t have time for this! Briathos?!”

Gabriel turned, saw Rachmiel and glared at him. “What do you want? This is not a show! Go away!” He turned back to the light. “Briathos! You are in so much trouble! If you don’t come back here right now there will be serious repercussions!”

Rachmiel looked at the other angel in the room. “W..why did he take a sword!”

“I don’t know! He was shouting about Aziraphale and someone called… Crowley? That’s a demon right?”

“He's going after Aziraphale?!” Rachmiel asked, terrified for his friend.

Gabriel turned to them, irritated. “He won’t hurt Aziraphale. He's just bitter because he wants his job on Earth back and I refused to help him. He’ll realise he’s being an idiot soon enough and come back with his tail between his legs.”

“He’s going to hurt Aziraphale!” Rachmiel cried wildly. “Someone needs to stop him!”

Flaming swords could seriously injure, even kill, a supernatural entity. It could cut through the human flesh to the angel or demon beneath.

Gabriel just shook his head. “He’s not stupid enough to hurt an angel. It’s the demon he’s after.”

Rachmiel looked horrified. “We can’t let him kill a demon! Discorporation is one thing, but to actually destroy a demon… we have to stop him!”

The other angels did not seem convinced that the destruction of a demon would be such a terrible thing.

It occurred to Rachmiel that Aziraphale might be with Crowley when Briathos found him and there was no telling what might happen. He had to stop this. He had to stop Briathos or at least warn Aziraphale and Crowley.

Rachmiel felt desperate. “If an angel kills a demon, the other demons will retaliate! No angel will be safe on Earth. They will see this as an excuse to attack us!”

Gabriel made a frustrated sound. “You’ve got a point…”

“I’ll stop him!” Rachmiel cried. “I’ll go after him! He’ll take his car, I know what car he drives! Let me go!”

Gabriel hesitated, then he nodded. “Fine. See if you can convince him to come back. Try to talk him down, but don’t rile him! Be careful. He might lash out without thinking.”

“He wouldn’t hurt an angel though, right? He wouldn’t hurt me?” Rachmiel said hopefully.

“Just don’t rile him is all I’m saying. I’m going to talk to Michael, just in case Briathos really has lost his marbles. If Briathos won’t listen to you, just come back and we’ll send in the big guns.”

Rachmiel nodded. He felt scared.

“I’m sure it won’t come to that, but do be careful. Are you sure you want to go? We could send someone-”

“I want to go!” Rachmiel said urgently. He did not want to risk the possibility of Gabriel or any other angel walking in on Aziraphale and Crowley in a compromising position. “I’ll go! I can convince him.”

Gabriel looked relieved. He had clearly had enough of this situation and did not want to chase Briathos himself. "Right then, we'll fill in the paperwork later, there's no time to waste."

***

Rachmiel stepped out of the blue light into Briathos' office on Earth and glanced around the room with dismay. There was no one else here. Briathos must have already left.

He hurried to the window and looked down at the street below. He saw Briathos marching towards his car. He might still be able to catch up with him if he were quick.

Briathos threw his sword - not currently aflame - into the car and climbed into the driver's seat.

Feeling like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, Rachmiel rushed down the stairs but he was too late, by the time he emerged out onto the street the car was already pulling away. He tried to run after it, waving madly, but either Briathos did not notice him or he was simply ignoring him.

Rachmiel stopped at the side of the road and tried to figure out what he should do next.

Miraculously, a taxi pulled up beside him.

The angel leapt into the passenger’s seat beside the driver. "Follow that car!" Rachmiel shouted, feeling like he was in a cop drama. "Quick!"

The taxi driver glanced at him in bewilderment but did as he was asked. He could have sworn he'd been a few streets away only a moment ago but figured he must have been day-dreaming and zoned out, there was no other way to explain it. He also could not quite explain what had made him stop to pick up this man, but there was no use in worrying about that now. Rachmiel’s sense of urgency had rubbed off on him.

There were four cars between the silver car and the taxi, but they all decided - with some mental persuasion from Rachmiel - to turn off down side streets. The taxi was now right behind Briathos.

Briathos' car went through a crossroad just as the traffic light turned red. The taxi started to slow down.

Rachmiel glared at the taxi driver. "Keep going, we can't lose him!"

"No. I'm not going through a red light."

"Bloody hell, I don't have time for this," muttered Rachmiel impatiently. He concentrated really hard and the car accelerated.

The taxi driver tried to hit the brake but it wouldn't work. They sped through the red light. Cars were coming towards them and the taxi driver screamed.

Miraculously, every car coming into the junction stalled at the same time and juddered to a stop.

The taxi zoomed along while the driver continued to scream loudly and stamp on the break, so Rachmiel made him fall asleep and continued to use his angelic powers to control the car.

He tried to reach out with his mind, to take control of Briathos' car too, but he could not wrestle control away from him. Briathos was too strong.

Rachmiel bit his fingernails nervously. He was starting to wonder if he ought to have brought a flaming sword along with him to defend himself but he could not believe that Briathos would truly try to hurt him. To be honest with himself he knew that he was not a fighter anyway, and besides, he could never turn a weapon against an angel. He needed to talk Briathos down, that was the only option.

The silver car sped up and turned down a side street, narrowly avoiding hitting a pedestrian, and Rachmiel followed as best he could but he was starting to fall behind. Soon he lost track of him, but it was obvious now where Briathos was going. They were in the Mayfair district, where Crowley lived. Rachmiel could still remember the way to Crowley's flat and he aimed for it now.

Rachmiel did not want Crowley to die. It was not just his fear of retaliation from other demons that made him want to stop Briathos from killing Crowley, when he really thought about it he just didn't like the idea of any harm coming to him. This realisation disturbed him.

He knew that he should want Crowley dead. He was a demon, he was the enemy and a possible threat to Aziraphale. With Crowley out of the picture he wouldn't have to worry about Aziraphale being taken advantage of.

But Crowley was not the deranged, mindless and terrifying monster that Rachmiel had always imagined demons to be.

Rachmiel thought back to when he first met Crowley in Aziraphale’s bookshop. He remembered how worried Crowley had been about Aziraphale, and how relieved he was to find out that Aziraphale was not being punished and that he was safe. He remembered Crowley’s barely concealed disappointment and sadness when told that Aziraphale was not attracted to him. He thought of Crowley stealing Briathos' pen, of him rescuing Aziraphale’s books, of his ridiculous novelty mug and his house full of beautiful plants.

Crowley was so real, with emotions and a personality.

Rachmiel had always dreaded coming face to face with a demon. He had wanted more than anything to get over his fear of them and now he had - one demon at least - but he still wouldn’t want to fight Crowley in battle. He wouldn’t want to hurt him.

He was still a terrible warrior, but now it was out of a foolish mercy rather than fear.

Rachmiel felt a stab of guilt for having stopped Aziraphale from seeing Crowley all this time. Now Aziraphale might never see the demon again. Rachmiel thought of how Crowley's death would affect Aziraphale and knew that it would destroy him. Aziraphale loved him.

Rachmiel couldn’t quite bring himself to believe that a demon could feel love in the same way that an angel could. Rachmiel still didn’t trust Crowley, but it was possible he had underestimated how much Crowley cared about Aziraphale. Perhaps he wouldn’t have hurt him after all.

Dread and foreboding washed through him and he felt sure that he would be unable to stop Briathos in time. He felt a horrible and fatalistic certainty that Briathos was going to find the pair in the flat and that Crowley would be killed while Aziraphale watched helplessly, and if Aziraphale survived the ordeal, then he would become a broken shell of his former self.

Rachmiel gritted his teeth. No. He was worrying over nothing, it was all going to be okay. He could do this, he could stop Briathos. If Aziraphale was at Crowley's place right now that could be a good thing, Aziraphale would be able to protect Crowley and maybe even talk Briathos down. Crowley and Aziraphale might not even be in the flat right now anyway, they could both be anywhere.

Rachmiel wondered how Briathos would react if both Crowley and Aziraphale were in the flat together. Since the averted apocalypse, both sides suspected that Aziraphale and Crowley were chummier than they let on but it had all been awkwardly brushed under the carpet and ignored. However, finding them hanging out together might cause Briathos' anger to intensify. And it would certainly intensify if Crowley had ignored everything Rachmiel had told him and he and Aziraphale were in bed together right now. How would Briathos react if he walked in on that? Aziraphale was in real danger.

Rachmiel had to catch up with Briathos as fast as he could and defuse the situation, whatever it might be.

The taxi zoomed around the corner at speed, leapt up onto the pavement and screeched to a halt just behind Briathos’ parked car, narrowly avoiding crashing into it.

Briathos was nowhere to be seen.

Rachmiel all but fell out of the taxi and ran towards Crowley’s flat. He had no plan and no idea what he was going to do when he caught up with Briathos. He might already be too late. His heart was racing and his hands were shaking as he braced himself for the worst. Tears were forming in the corners of his eyes. He opened the door to the stairwell.

In the taxi, the driver snored loudly.

***

Aziraphale leapt up from the sofa and immediately put himself between Briathos and Crowley.

Briathos stared in shock at Aziraphale. “What are you doing here?!”

“I might ask you the same! What on Earth do you think you’re doing? Put that sword away this instant!”

“What are you doing in a demon’s house?!”

“We were discussing putting the arrangement back into place, not that it’s any of your business!”

Briathos started advancing towards Crowley who had already backed up against a wall. Aziraphale blocked the angel’s path.

“Go away! Right now!” Aziraphale yelled.

Briathos glared at him. “You are despicable! An absolute disgrace of an angel! I should have known you’d be here with him!”

“Get out!” Aziraphale shouted.

Crowley had gone very pale. He glanced over at the French windows. They were his closest escape route but he could not just abandon Aziraphale here to face Briathos alone.

Briathos was shaking with fury. Flecks of spittle flew as he spoke. “Get out of my way! I’m going to do what you should have done long ago!”

“Stop it! I won’t let you hurt him! Just go away!”

“Why are you protecting him?!” Briathos asked with anger and frustration. He hefted the sword, the flames that danced over it were unnaturally bright and crackled noisily. “Get out of my way or I will strike you down where you stand!”

Crowley froze, terrified for Aziraphale. He felt sick.

Aziraphale refused to budge. “You wouldn’t dare!”

Crowley could see the madness in Briathos’ eyes and knew that he would do it. Aziraphale remained in place, unable to believe that an angel would hurt another.

Crowley found his voice. “Aziraphale! Get away from him!”

“Keep out of this, Crowley!” Aziraphale said firmly. “Briathos, I’m not moving, so just-”

Briathos raised his sword and Crowley panicked. He leapt forward, grabbed Aziraphale and shoved him out of the way.

Aziraphale toppled backwards over the coffee table with a yelp of surprise.

The sword swung down.

Crowley, directly in the path of the sword’s downward swing, did the only thing he could think of in the spur of the moment and turned into his serpent form.

As he dropped towards the ground he could hear the sound of the sword slicing through the air above him, he could feel how close the sword came to reaching him, could feel the heat of the flames against his scales.

Crowley landed heavily on the floor. He felt disorientated.

It took Briathos a moment to understand what had happened and by the time he had noticed Crowley in his snake form on the floor and tried to swipe at him, Crowley had already slithered away under the sofa.

At this moment someone smashed a flower pot over Briathos’ head.

Briathos yelled out in pain, staggered and almost dropped his sword. He spun around to see Rachmiel in the doorway backing away from him, hands raised in surrender.

“Sorry!” Rachmiel said quickly. “I was hoping that would knock you out like in the films! Look, I really think this has all gone a bit too far. How about you just-” Rachmiel stopped talking and let out a frightened squeal as Briathos strode towards him brandishing his sword.

Now that Briathos’ attention was elsewhere, Crowley - still in his serpent form - took the opportunity to glide out from under the sofa and wrap himself around Briathos’ ankles, pulling his legs together and causing him to tumble forwards. Briathos dropped his sword and it spun away across the highly polished wooden floorboards, hissing and crackling angrily, then crashed against the wall.

Briathos landed heavily on the ground and knocked his head with a thud on the edge of a ceramic plant pot.

He lay still.

Aziraphale staggered to his feet and picked up the sword. With a thought, it stopped flaming and he placed it on the coffee table. Both angels stared down at Briathos. There was blood on the edge of the plant pot and dotted across the floor.

Crowley turned back into his human form and looked down at the prone figure on the floor. “Oops,” he said.

“Is…is he dead?” Rachmiel asked worriedly. “Discorporated, I mean.”

Aziraphale knelt down next to Briathos. “Just unconscious, I think,” he said after a moment. He stood up again and glanced from Crowley to Rachmiel. “Are you both okay?”

They nodded.

Rachmiel turned to Crowley with a look of amazement and awe on his face. “You… you put yourself in harm’s way to save Aziraphale!”

Crowley felt embarrassed. “Well, I had to, he wouldn’t get out of the bloody way!”

Rachmiel smiled.

“What are we going to do about this idiot?” Crowley asked quickly, nodding towards Briathos. He was eager to change the subject from his heroic but un-demonic deed. He could still feel Rachmiel gazing at him with wonderment and it made him feel uncomfortable.

“I’ll take him back to Heaven with me,” Rachmiel said. “Gabriel is absolutely furious with him for running off like that, I don’t think they’ll let him back to Earth for a very long time.”

“Good,” said Crowley. “I’ve got some candles and chalk somewhere if you need to make a circle. I’d rather you did it in the stairwell or somewhere though. I don’t really want a portal to Heaven in my flat.”

“Yes please. The stairwell will do the trick.”

“I’m sure no passing humans will notice anything untoward, by some miracle,” Aziraphale chimed in.

“Sorry about your plant…” Rachmiel said guiltily, looking at the mess of soil, leaves and broken pottery on the floor.

Crowley waved a hand dismissively then started rooting about in a cupboard. “Don’t worry about that. It was only because you distracted him that I was able to trip him up. Thanks, Rachmiel.”

“Yes, thank you very much, my dear,” Aziraphale said, “excellent timing.”

Rachmiel smiled proudly.

Aziraphale picked up Briathos by his underarms and started to drag him away out of the door. Rachmiel picked up the unconscious angel’s legs to help.

“Ah. Here are the candles and a lighter. And I’ve found some chalk,” Crowley called to the others.

Aziraphale stayed in the stairwell and Rachmiel came back inside. Crowley turned to hand him a box of candles and found that Rachmiel was suddenly very close to him.

“I, er… I was lying, you know. Aziraphale never said he wasn’t attracted to you,” Rachmiel whispered urgently, “I know that you fancy him, I can tell. And he likes you too.”

Crowley stared at him, speechless for a moment. “Oh. Er. What? Really?”

“Of course. I’m sorry I lied, I just didn’t know if I could trust you or not before, but now I know that you must care for him deeply.”

Rachmiel went back out to the stairwell and Crowley stared after him, stunned. He watched through the open door as the two angels knelt together, drawing the circle and setting out the candles, writing down passages from the Cabala on the floor. He wondered if Aziraphale had told Rachmiel that he had feelings for him, or whether Rachmiel was just assuming it in the same way that he was assuming Crowley’s feelings.

Aziraphale looked up at Crowley with a smile. “Could you bring the sword, my dear?”

“Oh. Er. Yeah. Hang on…” Crowley grabbed the sword and carried it out to the angels.

Rachmiel started to light the candles. He stopped suddenly and stared into the middle-distance. “Oh blast it. I left that poor man asleep in the taxi.”

Rachmiel gave the lighter to Aziraphale, stood up and started down the stairs. “I’ll be back in a moment, I must let him get back to work. He deserves a good tip, I think, all things considered…” He vanished out of sight.

Aziraphale lit the last of the candles. He looked up at Crowley. “Thank you for protecting me in there. I should have realised he was going to attack me.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” Crowley said, trying to sound nonchalant. “Thanks for yelling at him and blocking his way.”

Aziraphale smiled at him.

“I should probably go back inside for the next bit,” Crowley said, then added, “Rachmiel seems to have warmed to me.”

Aziraphale beamed. “I know! I’m ever so pleased.”

“He, er, has he said anything to you?”

“About what?”

The downstairs door opened again, and then there were footsteps on the stairs. “Nevermind. I’ll tell you later.”

***

“I’ll stay here, if that’s okay. If you’re sure you can manage,” Aziraphale said.

Rachmiel nodded. “No problem. It’s probably for the best actually. Briathos is not going to be happy when he comes to.”

“Can you manage the sword and get him into the circle on your own okay?” Aziraphale asked worriedly. He knew all too well what could happen if he so much as put a foot in the circle without realising it.

“Yeah. I’ll be fine.” Rachmiel glanced at Crowley’s front door. The demon was back inside now that they were about to activate the circle. “I think you were right all along about Crowley being good deep down. He risked his life for you just now. Can you believe it? I saw him rush over and push you out of the way. Such a heroic act! He must care about you a lot.”

Aziraphale smiled. “You see? I told you he was different.”

“I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you see him,” Rachmiel said guiltily. “You didn’t see him for years.”

“It’s okay. I know that you were only trying to look out for me.”

“Before all this, I told Crowley that you didn’t fancy him. I’m sorry. I was scared he might take advantage of you otherwise. I thought I was protecting you, but, oh, he looked so heartbroken and upset when I told him. I knew then that he must desire you as much as you desire him.”

“You… you think so?” Aziraphale asked, feeling giddy, “You know, I swear he’s been flirting with me all afternoon.”

“Flirting? What did he do?”

“He adjusted my bowtie and tied a cherry stalk into a knot with his tongue. His tongue!”

Rachmiel felt confused. “Is that flirting? How odd. Well, never mind, I’ve fixed everything now so you don’t need to worry. When I got the candles and the chalk from him, I told him that it was all lies and that you fancied him all along.”

Rachmiel turned away from him towards the circle, grinning proudly and feeling very pleased with himself, utterly oblivious to Aziraphale’s horrified expression. “Now then, there’s no time to waste. Gabriel will be worried and we don’t want Michael coming down here with an entire battalion, now do we!”

Aziraphale found his voice. “You… you told him…”

Rachmiel had already started saying the ritualistic words. The circle burst into life.

Gabriel’s voice burst forth. “Rachmiel? Is that you? Michael and his soldiers are ready if-”

“I found Briathos! It’s all sorted!” Rachmiel said cheerfully. “He’s a little bit unconscious.”

Aziraphale knew that he could not ask Rachmiel anything about what he told Crowley without Gabriel overhearing. He kept quiet.

“That’s fine. I hope he wasn’t any trouble. Did he stab anyone?”

“No, it was all okay in the end.”

“You can write up a full report later.”

“Righto. I’ll bring him through now. I’ve got the sword too.” Rachmiel kicked the flameless sword into the circle and it vanished, then he hefted Briathos up by his underarms and dragged him into the light. He gave Aziraphale a smile. “See you later, Aziraphale. Have a great evening.”

“Er… Bye. Thanks. You too.”

In a flash, Rachmiel, Briathos and the sword were gone.

The blue light went out and Aziraphale set about snuffing out the candles and scrubbing away the chalk circle.

Depending on whether Rachmiel’s assumption about Crowley’s feelings were right or wrong, things were about to get either very awkward or very exciting. Either way, Aziraphale felt embarrassed.

***

The front door opened and Aziraphale wandered through. “They’ve gone back now, thank goodness. I was worried Briathos might wake up before they left. I’ve erased the circle.”

Crowley looked up from where he had been rearranging his potted plants. “Thanks, angel.”

“Oh! You fixed it!”

Crowley glanced at the potted plant that Rachmiel had smashed over Briathos’ head. “Oh, yeah, I just used a bit of occult magic to fix the pot and stuffed the plant back in. We’ll see how it does." He shot the plant a warning look that said it had better make the most of this second chance or else there would be trouble.

Aziraphale had walked over to the sofa, and suddenly let out a sound of dismay. “Oh! The ice-cream! I’m so sorry. I must have dropped it in all the commotion.”

Crowley moved across to join Aziraphale who was picking up the bowl from the floor and miracling away the mess. Crowley’s own bowl of ice-cream was untouched on the coffee table where he had left it.

“Sorry,” Aziraphale repeated, sounding upset.

“It’s fine,” Crowley said reassuringly. “There’s plenty more if you would like some? Mine has melted anyway.”

Aziraphale was staring miserably into his empty bowl. Crowley was starting to think that this was not about the ice-cream.

Aziraphale put down the bowl on the table then looked up at him. His voice was quiet. “I… I thought he was going to kill you with that sword.”

“I thought he was going to kill you,” Crowley said, his chest tightening at the thought of it.

“I don’t know what I would have done if he…”

“But he didn’t, angel. We are both safe. And Rachmiel doesn’t hate my guts anymore so that’s a bonus.” Crowley forced a smile onto his face, trying not to think about how terrified he had been.

Aziraphale gave him a warm smile in return. “I love you so much.”

Crowley stared at him and tried to remember how to speak. “I… I love you too.”

Aziraphale’s face lit up.

Crowley hesitated. “Do… do you mean that you love me in a romantic kind of way?”

“Do you mean it in a romantic way?”

There was an awkward silence which seemed to last an age but only actually lasted a couple of seconds.

“Yeah,” said Crowley nervously.

“Oh. Oh, good. You know, that’s a relief. You got me rather hot under the collar with all that bowtie rearranging and everything. I should have known you were up to something when you came back with the top buttons of your shirt undone like that. You tease.”

Crowley grinned. He had actually only undone his shirt buttons in desperation while he was in the kitchen because his anxiety had made him feel like his collar was too tight and he couldn’t breathe. Technically he didn’t need to breathe of course, but he found it soothing.

Crowley stepped towards Aziraphale, feeling excited and nervous all at once. He leant in and kissed him gently on the mouth. The angel’s lips were soft, just like Crowley had always imagined.

Aziraphale kissed him back, careful and unsure at first, small little caresses, but as his confidence grew the kisses deepened, became wet and needy.

Aziraphale's fingers clutched at the front of Crowley's shirt, and Crowley wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer, stroking his back as the angel shivered against him and let out a blissful sigh.

When Aziraphale broke the kiss, the angel’s face was flushed and smiling. "I've wanted this for such a long time but I didn't dare tell you."

"Oh, angel," Crowley breathed. He kissed him again desperately, a hand at the back of his neck, and snuck his tongue past parted lips to meet Aziraphale's own. Aziraphale gasped, his hands tightening their grip on Crowley's shirt.

A hardness pressed against Crowley’s thigh, sending a wave of burning need through him. He moved so that their arousals were together, and rocked his hips, drawing the most wonderful little gasps from the angel.

He wanted more than anything to touch Aziraphale all over, to make him feel good.

"I want you so bad," Crowley murmured. His hands started to fumble with the buttons of Aziraphale's waist coat.

Aziraphale tensed and his hands went up to stop him.

"N... Not yet," Aziraphale said apologetically. "Another time."

"Oh. Okay. Sorry, Angel," Crowley said, feeling guilty for getting so caught up in the moment. He could tell that Aziraphale was nervous. "We can take this as slow as you like, okay? Do you want me to stop?"

"No. Don't stop... let's, er, just keep our clothes on for now, please. Sorry."

"You don't need to apologise," Crowley said gently. "I want you to be happy."

Aziraphale smiled. "I'm very happy."

Crowley kissed him. "Me too."

Aziraphale led him across to the sofa and they sat down side by side, kissing each other. A hand covered Crowley’s own where it lay on the angel’s knee.

After a while Aziraphale shifted on the sofa and lay down on his back, pulling Crowley on top of him. The angel's fingers played with Crowley's hair then held onto it tightly as Crowley started to rock his hips against Aziraphale’s, the angel pushing up to meet his thrusts.

The friction was delicious, and the sound of Aziraphale gasping and moaning fed his arousal all the more.

Before long, Aziraphale started to tremble. “Oh… Crowley!”

Aziraphale tensed, pushing upwards desperately as he dissolved into whimpers. His eyes closed tightly and he bit his lower lip to try to quieten himself. All the while Crowley cupped the angel's face in his hands and watched with awe as Aziraphale came.

The most erotic thing he'd ever seen.

Crowley buried his face against Aziraphale's neck and thrust his hips frantically, listening to Aziraphale panting beneath him. He was already so close that when the angel shifted and kissed his ear and his jaw, it tipped him over the edge and he came with a gasp, the angel's name on his lips.

Exhausted, breathless and happy, Crowley relaxed and flopped down onto Aziraphale, who wrapped his arms tightly around him.

The dampness was soaking through Crowley's underwear to his trousers and he knew that Aziraphale must be equally uncomfortable.

Crowley raised his head. "We've both made a bit of a mess."

“Oh, yes,” Aziraphale said with a smirk.

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle it…” Crowley waved a hand and the dampness vanished.

“Oh!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “Do… do you usually clean up that way?”

“Of course. Don’t you?”

“Well. No. I don’t, just in case. Aren’t you worried your people might find out? Don’t they keep tabs on what you do with your occult powers?”

“Nah. They don’t pay any attention. Too much work. But I wouldn’t care anyway to be honest.”

Crowley smiled and closed his eyes sleepily, savouring the feel of Aziraphale’s arms wrapped tightly around him. He could easily fall asleep here like this. He’d always wanted Aziraphale to hold him as he fell asleep.

“You look like you are going to drift off,” Aziraphale said with some amusement.

“Sorry,” Crowley murmured.

“Not to worry. It’s been an exciting evening.”

“Maybe we should go to bed. No strings attached," Crowley added quickly, "I'm just very tired. We could lie down more comfortably. If you want.”

“Yes, that would be nice.”

“Are you tired too?”

“Not really. After Briathos’ visit I don't think I could relax enough to fall asleep anyway. I'd rather stay awake, just in case.”

“You never did like to sleep all that often, from what I remember. There’s a TV in my room if you wanted to watch that while I sleep.”

“Oh, thank you. But I think I might read instead, if that’s alright.”

“Of course. There's a lamp on my bedside table.”

“The light won't keep you awake?”

“Nah. Some of your books are in my bedroom, the rest are in the office. Hopefully you’ll find something you fancy.”

“There’s something I fancy right here,” Aziraphale said, giving him a kiss.

Crowley grinned.

Aziraphale went into the office and returned not long after with a novel he wanted to read. Together, they went into the bedroom.

Flopping lazily onto the bed, Crowley waved a hand at the window and the thick curtains drew themselves closed. Aziraphale put down his book beside the lamp on the bedside table, just as the lamp burst into light.

“Do you mind if I make myself a cup of tea?”

“Go for it.”

“Would you like one?”

“Nah.”

Aziraphale left and Crowley closed his eyes drowsily. He heard movement from the kitchen and then the bathroom. Moments later, the angel returned.

Crowley's eyes opened, he looked at the angel and raised an eyebrow.

“Tartan pyjamas?” Crowley said. “You miracled them, huh?”

“Oh, er. Yes.” Aziraphale had his cup of tea in one hand and his well-worn human clothes neatly folded under his arm.

Crowley blinked and his own clothes, which he had wished into being that morning, turned into some luxurious black silk pyjamas.

Aziraphale settled into bed, adjusting his pillows. He picked up his book and glanced at the lamp which brightened just a little. Crowley yawned and closed his eyes.

“Good night, my dear.”

“Good night, angel.”

Aziraphale leaned over and kissed him. Crowley smiled.

Eyes closed, Crowley listened to the sound of pages being turned. He rolled over so that he lay against Aziraphale’s side, and a moment later, he felt an arm go around him, holding him. He felt warm and safe.

For the first time, but certainly not the last, Crowley fell asleep in Aziraphale’s embrace.

***

Chapter Text

***

A slither of early morning sunlight found its way between a gap in the curtains.

Aziraphale finished reading his book and placed it down on the bedside table beside him before settling back amongst the pillows.

He glanced over at Crowley, who lay fast asleep curled up against his side. His face, lit by warm lamp light, looked peaceful and innocent whilst he slept. Aziraphale felt an intense surge of love and adoration towards him.

He thought of their confessions of love and the pleasure they had shared the evening before and felt such joy. It felt as though he were living in a dream. Crowley had said that he loved him, wanted him, and yet Aziraphale couldn’t help but worry that it was all too good to be true. Crowley hadn’t seen him naked yet and Aziraphale worried that he’d be disappointed when he did.

Crowley had wanted to undress him and it had pained Aziraphale to refuse him that, but he had been feeling terribly self-conscious. He knew that he couldn’t hide his body away forever, and he wouldn’t want to anyway. He wanted to be naked with him, to have Crowley touch him, and he certainly wanted to see Crowley naked. But he just couldn’t find the courage to let it happen.

He wished that he could alter his appearance, but unlike Crowley, who could turn into a serpent at will or into something terrifying to scare humans, he had never been able to shapeshift in such a way himself.

Aziraphale was snapped out of his reverie by Crowley wiggling beside him. The demon stretched, let out a little sigh, then opened his eyes and looked up at Aziraphale.

“Good morning,” Aziraphale said with a smile.

Crowley grinned. “Good morning. It’s nice to wake up with you in my bed, angel. I could get used to this.”

“Me too.”

Crowley sat up and kissed him. “I’m gonna get a coffee. Do you want one?”

“Yes please.”

Crowley pushed back the covers and swung his legs over the side. He stood up, his back to Aziraphale. His pyjama bottoms were riding low enough that a tantalising hint of skin was visible, even in the low light, and as he walked away Aziraphale watched him go, wanting more than ever to see him naked.

When Crowley returned he was already sipping at his coffee. He climbed into bed and passed Aziraphale his own cup.

Crowley downed his drink then placed his cup on his bedside table before laying down lazily and pulling the covers up around himself.

After taking a quick fortifying sip of his drink, Aziraphale pushed his cup onto his own bedside table and then turned to Crowley and kissed him passionately, receiving an enthusiastic and eager response.

Aziraphale pulled back the duvet to get a better view of him. His pyjama top had bunched up, revealing his stomach, and Aziraphale ran his fingers over skin eliciting a happy sigh.

Aziraphale unbuttoned Crowley’s pyjama top and parted the material reverently. He touched his collar bone, his chest, his stomach, whilst Crowley shivered under the touches. Aziraphale could feel the demon’s heart racing, his chest rising and falling.

A trail of hair vanished away under the band of his pyjama bottoms where a bulge had formed. He wanted to see. He hooked a finger under the waist band and looked into Crowley's eyes questioningly.

"Can I?" He asked.

Crowley nodded. "Please."

He pulled down the pyjamas slowly, releasing his cock. Crowley threw his head back and gasped as Aziraphale took hold of him and started to stroke him in the same way he liked to stroke himself.

“Is… is this okay?” Aziraphale asked, feeling unsure of himself.

Crowley whimpered and managed to get out a “Yes.” His hands were clinging tightly to the bed sheets as he watched the hand that was stroking him. Then his gaze drifted across to Aziraphale’s body hungrily.

Aziraphale felt a burst of excitement mixed with fear knowing that Crowley wanted to strip him. He could see it in his eyes.

He wanted him to do it.

Aziraphale looked at the lamp and the light from it dimmed to a faint glow.

"More romantic," he explained, feeling that he needed to supply a reason and that seemed a good enough excuse. He felt a little less self-conscious in the low light. It was just a shame that this hindered his view of Crowley.

"You... You can undress me too, if you like."

Hands went up instantly, pawing at him. Crowley got Aziraphale’s top unbuttoned and then he threw it on the floor.

Crowley grabbed Aziraphale’s wrist, stopping his stroking movements. “Angel, ssstop that for now.”

“W… Was it good?” Aziraphale asked quickly, suddenly worried.

“Yes. It was very good. Too good. I wouldn’t have lasted much longer.”

“Oh!” said Aziraphale with a pleased grin.

“Lay down, angel. On your back.”

Aziraphale did as he was told, a shiver of excitement running through him at Crowley taking charge.

Crowley kicked the duvet off the bed then knelt beside Aziraphale and started to pull down his pyjama bottoms. Aziraphale noted that somewhere along the way Crowley had lost his own pyjama bottoms and was now entirely naked.

“Raise your hips for me.”

Aziraphale did as he was asked and seconds later his pyjama bottoms joined the shirt on the floor.

Completely naked, Aziraphale lay there with Crowley straddling his thighs. He could barely believe that this was really happening. He felt shy but took comfort from knowing that Crowley couldn’t really see him properly in the darkened room.

Crowley leant forward and kissed him, stroking his hands down Aziraphale’s chest, his touches drawing gasps and moans, making Aziraphale forget all of his insecurities.

Crowley sat up and Aziraphale gazed up at him, a dark silhouette in the gloom. Reflective, golden snake eyes swept leisurely across his body until their eyes met.

Crowley’s voice was full of awe and adoration as he spoke. “You’re so beautiful, angel.”

And Aziraphale remembered with a sudden shock that Crowley could see perfectly well in the dark. He could see everything.

“Oh! You can see me?! Bloody hell, I forgot you can see in the dark!”

“You forgot?” Crowley asked in disbelief.

Aziraphale resisted the urge to curl up into a ball, which would no doubt have sent Crowley flying off the bed. He considered miracling his clothes back on, but instead opted for covering himself awkwardly with his arms. He felt deeply embarrassed.

“I… I didn’t realise you could see me-”

Crowley got up and moved so that they were face to face. “Shhh. Angel, it’s okay. You didn’t want me to see?”

“I just…” Aziraphale made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat, feeling humiliated. But then he remembered what Crowley had said. “Do… do you really think I’m beautiful?”

Crowley’s eyes went wide. “Of course. Aziraphale, you are stunning. You are beautiful. Of course I meant it.”

“Oh. Well… Thank you. I wasn’t sure if you- because, you know... you’re so bloody gorgeous, and I’m just… you know…”

“You think I’m gorgeous?” Crowley smiled, “Thank you. I’ve always felt that I’m kinda lanky, myself. Angel, you are absolutely perfect. The most elegant thing I’ve ever seen. And you turn me on so bad.”

“Oh! You get me rather hot and bothered yourself,” Aziraphale said with a grin, “and you’re not lanky, my dear, you’re lithe.”

“Thanks.”

They kissed, and Aziraphale felt his confidence soar.

Crowley, on all fours over Aziraphale, laid kisses along his jaw, then his neck. He shifted down his body, licking at one nipple and then the other, and by the time he reached his stomach, laying kisses against his belly button and stroking fingers across his thighs, Aziraphale was so hard it hurt, his breath coming in sharp gasps.

With his hands braced either side of Aziraphale’s hips, and his face so close to his cock that Aziraphale could feel his breath, Crowley dipped his head and licked at the tip before swallowing him right down to the base.

Aziraphale whimpered and tensed as Crowley used his mouth and his tongue to pleasure him. With a thought, the light on the bedside table brightened and he watched, enthralled, as Crowley licked and sucked at him. Their eyes met and Crowley smiled around his cock, it was one of the most erotic sights he had ever seen.

“Bloody hell,” Aziraphale moaned. “You weren’t kidding when you said you have a very dextrous tongue.”

Crowley laughed, the vibrations wonderful.

Aziraphale ran his fingers through the demon’s hair as he watched his head bobbing up and down in his lap.

“Crowley,” he gasped warningly, “I… I won’t last much longer if you keep doing that.”

Without so much as slowing down, Crowley looked up at him and grinned wickedly. He continued to suck and lick until the breath caught in Aziraphale’s throat and he felt himself overcome by a powerful rush, gasping and shuddering at the intensity of it.

Crowley continued to suck him, swallowing every drop of his cum. When he finally released him from his mouth the demon let out a happy little laugh and ran the back of his hand over his mouth.

Aziraphale was panting as Crowley crawled up and kissed him. He could taste his seed and it thrilled him.

Aziraphale trailed a hand up Crowley’s thigh and took hold of his cock. Crowley moaned against his mouth, tensing and shaking as the angel stroked him.

A desperate cry and Crowley was spilling his seed over Aziraphale’s belly. They both looked down at the mess he had made before their eyes met again and they both laughed.

“Crowley, what a terrible mess you’ve made, I’m utterly debauched, you wicked thing.”

Crowley kissed him. “You have been thoroughly ravished.”

“I really like what you did with your mouth. I’d like to try that on you next time.”

“I’d like that.”

“Though I don’t imagine I’ll be quite as good at it as you.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll happily let you practice as much as you like.”

“Oh thank you, my dear, you are too kind.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Would you like me to miracle away the evidence of your ravishment?” Crowley asked, nodding towards Aziraphale’s damp stomach.

Aziraphale looked down. “I suppose.” Curious, he dipped a finger into the mess and licked it.

Crowley grinned. “You always did enjoy tasting new things.”

“And as I suspected, everything about you is delicious.”

***

Rachmiel strolled towards Eden, but when the Eastern gate came into view, he hesitated.

Guarding it, head held high, stood Briathos. Rachmiel slowed down his steps, losing his nerve now that he could actually see the other angel. They had not spoken since Briathos had been knocked unconscious. As soon as they had returned to Heaven, Briathos had been spirited away by Michael and his soldiers.

In order to keep Briathos out of the way after his ‘little outburst’ as Gabriel put it, he had been told to take up the position of Angel of the Eastern Gate. It was supposed to be a punishment, but from what Rachmiel had heard, he seemed to be rather enjoying it.

Briathos turned and saw him. Rachmiel forced a friendly smile onto his face while Briathos just glared at him.

"I can't let you in, Rachmiel."

"Oh, that’s quite alright. I came to see you actually."

"Come to gloat, have you?" Briathos asked bitterly.

"No. Certainly not,” Rachmiel said gently. “Look, I'm sorry about, um…"

“Hitting me on the head with a plant pot?"

"Oh. Yes. So you do remember. Sorry about that."

"I suppose you were hoping that all the knocks to my head would have messed with my memory. No such luck. I remember what you did."

"Well, with all due respect, you'd gone bonkers. When I got there you were threatening to attack Aziraphale with a flaming sword."

"He should have stepped aside!" Briathos said defensively. "But I wasn't really going to hurt him! I'd never hurt an angel."

"It rather looked like you were about to take a swipe at him when I got there-"

"He was in my way!” Briathos argued desperately. He looked ashamed. “But I didn't mean it! Everything happened so fast and now it's all just a blur. I had no idea what I was doing! I wouldn’t have hurt him really, and I wouldn’t have hurt you, Rachmiel, I just wanted you to go away."

“Well, I suppose it all worked out in the end. No one got hurt."

“I don’t know about that, all those bumps to the head hurt quite a bit.”

“Again, I’m sorry. You were out of control.”

"I wish I'd at least been able to maim the demon a little bit," Briathos said sadly, but then he brightened up a bit. "I scared the hell out of him though."

Rachmiel smiled awkwardly and quickly changed the subject. “I’m still trying to help stop that Brexit thing, like you asked me to. It’s just more difficult than I expected to get politicians to listen to a word I say, you know? But I’m still trying.”

Rachmiel decided not to tell Briathos that Aziraphale was helping him with it too now, in an official capacity. He thought Briathos might take it personally. Crowley had gladly agreed not to get in their way, but had also warned them that there probably wasn’t much they could do at this stage. The demon believed that the situation had snowballed and was now well and truly in human hands.

“Ah, thanks,” said Briathos dismissively.

Rachmiel could tell that Briathos’ heart wasn’t really in it. He got the feeling that now Briathos was not directly involved in stopping Brexit, he had lost all interest.

“How are you finding working on the Eastern Gate?” Rachmiel asked conversationally.

Briathos was suddenly all enthusiasm. “I’ve really shaken things up here. Made it so much better! There was no system, you know? Aziraphale wasn’t tallying anything, no idea of footfall. Everything is running a lot more smoothly now I’m in charge of Eden.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“They clearly needed my input here. Why they didn’t ask for my assistance earlier, I’ll never know. I’m really-”

Briathos stopped, his attention diverted by two angels who were trying to leave Eden quietly without him noticing. “Stop! You need to sign out first! Come on!”

Miserably, they were directed to a huge book on a table.

“And I need to check your pockets, make sure you’re not trying to smuggle anything out.”

The angels looked even more wretched at the thought of being searched.

Briathos gasped, shocked speechless for a moment. “What is that?!”

He advanced on one of the startled angels who backed away worriedly and tried to hide behind their friend. Briathos grabbed at the offending angel and took a flower from their hair which had been tucked behind an ear.

“I found it on the floor. I didn’t pluck it-” the angel pleaded.

“That’s no excuse! I told you! Don’t remove anything from the garden! Didn’t you read the flyer?!”

The other angel looked annoyed. “Aziraphale didn’t mind if we took flowers.”

“He’s not in charge. I am!”

Rachmiel watched in stunned silence as Briathos made them empty their pockets and then patted them down. Soon, the two angels scuttled away.

“Wow,” said Rachmiel.

“I know right. Can you believe the nerve of some people? Yesterday I caught someone brazenly making a daisy chain. You couldn’t make it up.”

“I thought we were just not allowed to remove any of the animals,” Rachmiel ventured.

Briathos let out a long suffering sigh. “You cannot remove anything. Here, take this.” He handed him a flyer. “I made it myself.”

Rachmiel glanced at it. It was a list of Do’s and Don’ts. It was mostly don’ts.

“Have a good read of that, and once you know the rules I might consider letting you into Eden.”

“Oh, er, thanks. I’m very busy right now, but I’ll come back later,” Rachmiel said. He waved the letter. “I’ll give this a good read!”

Briathos nodded. “Memorise the rules,” he advised.

Rachmiel stuffed the letter into his pocket and wondered how long it was going to be until Briathos got fired from this job too.

***

April 2019

Aziraphale rearranged some books on one of his bookshelves in the shop then took a step back and admired his work.

“Much better,” he said. “I think we’ve almost got the place back to how it was. Or close enough anyway.”

“Huh?” Crowley looked up from where he was sat on the floor with an open book on his lap.

Aziraphale smiled. Crowley had fallen into a trap which he often fell into himself, the main hazard of sorting through ones book collection was getting distracted and ending up reading the books instead.

“How about we head out for a spot of lunch, dear? If I can tear you away from that book.”

“Yeah,” said Crowley cheerfully, closing the book and returning it to a shelf. He started putting away a few other books that lay around him on the floor. “I’ll just finish this quick.”

The bell above the door rang. Aziraphale turned towards the entrance and prepared himself for the task of getting rid of a member of the general public, but when the door opened it was Rachmiel who poked his head through.

Aziraphale smiled. “Oh! Hello, dear boy.”

“Hello,” Rachmiel said.

“Hi,” Crowley chimed in.

Rachmiel glanced around until he saw Crowley still sat on the floor. “Hello. I thought you must be here too. I saw your car outside. I’m sorry, but it has a parking ticket on it.”

Crowley sighed. “I forgot to roll away the double yellows.”

“I was just going to the cinema and wondered if you both might like to join me? Avengers: Endgame. We saw the last one together, Aziraphale, remember? Infinity War.”

“Oh. Yes. I remember,” said Aziraphale, who wished he had paid a little more attention during that film.
.
“I’ve been wanting to see that! Let’s go!” Crowley leapt up eagerly.

Rachmiel smiled. “Have you both seen Captain Marvel? I think it ties in with the plot of this one.”

Crowley nodded. “Yup.”

“No, I’ve not,” Aziraphale said.

“Never mind,” Rachmiel said. “I’m sure it won’t matter too much. We’ll fill you in.”

Aziraphale found himself being steered towards the door by an enthusiastic demon.

“I’ll drive,” Crowley said.

Rachmiel hesitated. “No. That car is a death trap.”

Crowley spun to face him, offended. “No it isn’t. The Bentley is as good as new. Better even.”

“I was referring to the way you drive the thing, I’ve seen you on the road.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Fine, I’ll try to keep to the speed limits. Come on, let’s go.”

“Can we get lunch first?” Aziraphale pleaded.

“That’s a good idea,” Rachmiel said thoughtfully. “We can fill you in on Ant-man and the Wasp too whilst you eat.”

Crowley nodded in agreement. “I know this great little café near the cinema.”

They piled out onto the street. Aziraphale locked the bookshop door while Crowley waved a hand dramatically at the parking ticket which burnt away into nothing.

“Oh, I should tell you both about the latest goings on with Briathos,” Rachmiel said. “He’s been forced to relax the rules he set for Eden. He stupidly ordered Gabriel to empty his pockets because ‘no one can be above suspicion’ and so Gabriel took him to one side to have words with him. And by ‘have words’ I mean yell at him a lot. Visiting Eden is a much more pleasant now.”

“Ah, Briathos. What a berk,” said Crowley cheerfully.

And before long, two angels and a demon were speeding away through the Soho streets.

The End