Chapter Text
Bokuto stared unblinkingly at his laptop screen, eyes wide and staring at the marking rubric of his most recently completed assignment – which had been returned to him just now. He noted two sections of the rubric were circled under the ‘fail column’, and despite the other three sections being circled under ‘pass’, he knew it was pointless. The assignment had required all five sections to achieve at least a ‘pass’ to be able to pass the assignment as a whole. So, even though his final score was 25/50 – a pass in regular terms, it meant nothing because he hadn’t achieved the bare minimum for every section in the marking rubric.
Heaving a deep sigh, Bokuto leaned back in his desk chair and rubbed his face. He was in his university unit, alone, because he didn’t like to check his assignment results in front of other people if he could help it. His lecturer had attached an email requesting Bokuto to contact him for a one-on-one consult so they could go through the assignment and where he had gone wrong. It was already after dark, so he pushed back replying to him until the morning.
Didn’t his lecturers care, though? How could they just drop something so heavy on him, and appear so unaffected in the same day? He had had classes earlier today with this lecturer, and he surely would have known at that point that Bokuto had failed. Why didn’t he say anything? Why didn’t he talk to Bokuto privately at that time? Instead, all he got was a black and white email, and a feeling of total inadequacy.
This could change his whole future, and Bokuto felt so hopeless and lost. But his lecturers are people too. They will go home all the same at the end of the day, because they have their own lives to live. They do their job, and that means failing people sometimes. Do they ever get used to tearing down someone’s future plans? What about the looks on students' faces when they say those dreaded words?
This is why Bokuto had never really wanted to go down this road of further education if he could’ve helped it. Conforming to the system was never his strong point, and university offered little alternatives for him. The bottom line was clear, though: if he fails a subject, he will lose his scholarship and will be off the team. He’d only failed one assignment so far, but it was enough to shake his confidence.
He had so many numbers on his phone, but he was unable to dial a single one up. Bokuto liked being seen by other people as a positive energy, because everyone needed more positivity in their lives. Being the friend people could come to when they were feeling down was important to him, their happiness was important to him. He was blessed with all these wonderful people in his life, and he never wanted them to have to deal with his problems. Most of them knew about his propensity for getting ‘dejected’, but few of them knew how deep it could sometimes go.
Then, there was Akaashi. His gorgeous, amazing, out-of-this-world boyfriend, Akaashi. He was so wonderful, equally diligent in spending time with Bokuto as he was with his studying. Naturally, he was the person Bokuto wanted to see the most. All the time. Akaashi just always seemed to know what needed, whether it was in terms of motivation or comfort, and gave whatever he could to Bokuto and never seemed to run out of attention, time, or love for him. Really, Akaashi was just as beautiful on the inside as he was on the outside.
But he knew Akaashi was handling a very heavy schedule lately. He had a larger workload than Bokuto, as he was attending university to acquire an actual degree rather than on a sports scholarship. And he was in his first year, but he was doing so well dealing with the adjustment from high school to university. Even though this was Bokuto’s second year, he still couldn’t get used to it. Bokuto didn’t want to burden him any more than he already did. He was older than Akaashi, and he was supposed to be the reliable one between them.
Am I the only one?
Is everyone else doing alright?
It could feel like that sometimes, even though it wasn’t necessarily true. That everyone else was doing just fine handling everything on their plate and they didn’t struggle in the same ways Bokuto struggled. It was embarrassing for him to say out loud that he found a part of the content hard, when everyone else was saying to each other how it was actually pretty simple once you broke it down. So, he ended up not saying anything at all. He kept his grades to himself, never having achieved one he was proud to boast about.
When people ask you how you did on an assignment, they don’t really expect to hear, “I failed it.” It’s humiliating to say, and awkward to hear. Bokuto avoids those questions as best he can, giving vague answers if he is asked directly, like he hasn’t had a chance to check his grade yet or his internet has been down, so he hasn’t had access to his grades and he's gonna get that fixed up real soon. Do they even ask because they care? Or do they just want to compare their results with his, to see how good they are?
Tired of thinking so much, Bokuto crawls into his bed and hopes that sleep will come soon. It doesn’t, though, he tosses and turns. Even though he’s so tired, it’s just impossible to drift off to sleep.
*
The next day, he didn’t have any classes and arranged a meeting with his lecturer. Together, they sat in his small, box-sized office and Bokuto couldn’t get a whiff of fresh air once he was in there. Going through his assignment’s flaws was embarrassing, but had to be done, and he’d scribbled down notes to his paper as best he could. His lecturer would get back to him on a re-submission date – and reminded Bokuto (he didn’t need the reminder, he knew already) that if he failed his re-submission, he was looking at a fail of the subject as a whole. That one-hour session had drained him of all motivation to even make a start on his re-submission today.
Then, he had volleyball practice in the afternoon, and he’d been in a low mood from the start. After Bokuto had made his first mistake, more mistakes just kept piling on top of it. He’d only been in for an hour before he was subbed out, instructed to observe from the sidelines and come back to join training if he felt his spirits lift. Bokuto briefly considered going back out there, but his mind was being swarmed with the worst scenarios that could happen if he failed this assignment a second time.
If he lost his volleyball scholarship, then it would be game over for him. What would he do with himself if he didn’t have volleyball? What could he do? He’d probably end up getting a part-time job at a convenience store or café, that was about all he was qualified for. It wasn’t like his final grades from high school were anything special, and he probably wouldn’t have been accepted into university in the first place if not for his volleyball skills.
It’s not fair, he thought, clenching his fists tightly. Why does his right to play volleyball have to depend on his studies? Why did he have to be so stupid, that he couldn’t even keep up with the bare minimum?
“Bokuto-san, are you in here?”
He sat up straight (when had he hunched over his knees anyway?) and sprung to his feet upon hearing Akaashi’s familiar, lilting voice calling out for him. Then, a moment later, he appears in the middle of the doorway to the locker room.
“A-Akaashi, what’re you doing in here?” he asks, his voice softer than he’d meant for it to be, but his energy was definitely at its lowest level.
“I was waiting for you outside, but when you didn’t come out, I asked one of your teammates and they said they thought you were still in here. They let me in and said you are to lock up once you are done,” Akaashi explained, crossing the distance between them slowly but surely, and Bokuto nodded, but didn’t offer a verbal response. He’d forgotten all about Akaashi waiting for him because of his mood, he was a terrible boyfriend. Why was Akaashi so patient with him? Why did Akaashi stay with him when Bokuto would disappoint him so much?
“Bokuto-san,” he doesn’t raise his head at Akaashi’s voice, but he does when he feels warm hands rest gently on his cheeks.
“Are you okay?”
Akaashi’s quiet, simple words make his lips quiver and his eyes well up with tears. He sucks in a sob, then rapidly shakes his head and shuts his eyes tightly. His tears spill over Akaashi’s fingers, and his nose is running too.
His hands fall from Bokuto’s face, and instead move to entangle with Bokuto’s at his sides, “Let’s sit down,” he says, and when he turns to start walking Bokuto follows behind him without a word. Their hands stay linked together as they lock up the gym and make their way over to sit down on some steps.
“Tell me what’s going through your mind, love,” Akaashi asks him so caringly, placing a hand on his knee and it almost makes Bokuto start sobbing.
So, he just starts blurting out everything that’s been happening lately. His increasing workload, the difficulty of his assignments (and his recently failed one), as well as how unsupported he feels by his lecturers and peers.
“It hurts, ‘kaashi. Sometimes, it feels like I don’t even have the energy to smile. I get so tired; some days feel so long. And then, I’m tossing and turning all night,” Bokuto droops, rubbing at his red eyes even though they sting, “Is it just me? Is-is there somethin’ wrong with me?”
“Everyone experiences these feelings at some point, Bokuto-san. You are not alone, and you are not wrong for feeling them,” reassuring him softly, Akaashi rubs circles on his back, silently encouraging him to calm down, “You’re always trying your absolute best, no matter what anyone says. I believe you when you say that, and I see your efforts every day. How hard you work, submitting your assignments to the university’s online study feedback services and following their advice to make your work even better.”
Bokuto sniffs, his heart lightening at the thoughtful words, and Akaashi continues, “Your lecturers would never wish for you to fail. It reflects worse on them, because they are the ones who have failed to teach you properly,” he pauses here, turning something over in his mind before he speaks up again, “I acknowledge, though, that some may be numb to the feelings of their students. Sometimes, they don’t consider how our lives will continue outside of study if we fail on something, how it disrupts our plans and how deeply it impacts on us. It has far-reaching consequences.”
“However, do not forget that you can lean on me,” Akaashi says, nothing but warmth in his voice, “please, remember that. Whenever it’s too hard, lean on me. I don’t want you to feel this way on your own, so let’s share the burden with each other.”
“I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t wanna distract you with my problems when I know you have them too. You work so hard, ‘kaashi, so I wanted to work through it on my own to give you a break.”
“Please don’t think that’s true, because it’s not. You’re becoming stronger and more independent, and that is good, but it doesn’t mean you have to stop relying on me for things like this” stroking a hand through his hair, Akaashi’s words are as soft as his touch, “Keep doing your best, and never give up. I believe in you, Koutarou.”
Bokuto never thought that just a few words could put his heart at this much ease. It didn’t feel like he was being crushed under the weight of his loneliness anymore, it felt like he could bear it if Akaashi stood under it with him. Tired from all the talking and crying, he leans his head on Akaashi’s shoulder, the scent of his boyfriend’s detergent strangely comforting at a time like this.
“Are you still free on Wednesday?” Akaashi asks, still stroking his hair and the sudden change in topic catches Bokuto off guard.
Nonetheless, he nods, albeit a little confusedly, “Yeah. Sure.”
“Let’s go for a walk in the park, and then buy some lunch. The weather looks like it will be very good on Wednesday, so I was thinking we could spend the day together.”
“R-Really!?” he keeps his head on Akaashi’s shoulder, but turns his face up to look at him hopefully, “But, wait, don’t you have your studying to do? I don’t wanna distract you, ‘kaashi, you gotta put yourself first before me!”
Akaashi, however, is quick to dispel his worries, “I am doing fine. My classes will be over by 10am, and after that I want to have a break. Spending time with you is my favourite way to take a break.”
“Alright. Yeah, that-that would be really great,” Bokuto admits, feeling warm as he nuzzles back into Akaashi’s shoulder tiredly.
A sweet kiss is dropped on top of his head, “It’s a date, then.”
*
They agree to set the date at 11am, which would give Akaashi enough time after his class finished at 10 to return back to his unit, drop off his textbooks, and commute to the city to meet up with Bokuto. Once meeting up at the train station, they take a 15-minute walk until they reach the park they had wanted to visit.
On their way out of the train station, Bokuto greets him with a smile, “Hey, Akaashi! How was your class?”
“It was alright. Thank you for asking, Bokuto-san. We had a tutorial session for the next assignment we have coming up. Using the research databases can be difficult, but I think I will eventually get the hang of it,” Akaashi said, and his eyes did look a little strained at the mention of it.
“Of course, you will! You have a great memory, ‘kaash. It’ll become like second nature to you before you know it!” Bokuto immediately praised him, because Akaashi was honestly very smart and could do anything if he persevered with it – unlike Bokuto, who had loads of talent in volleyball and uneven amounts for everything else.
“I hope so,” Akaashi sighs, but sends him a thankful, small smile. It already makes his day brighter seeing that, and knowing he was the one to make it happen. Making Akaashi smile was the best! It always made Bokuto feel like he won at something, though he wasn’t sure what.
As they got nearer to the park, Akaashi asked him, “Are you excited for training tomorrow?”
“Yeah, kinda,” Bokuto mumbles, his volume lowering to match his eagerness for the topic.
Naturally, Akaashi is sharp as ever and picks up on this, “That wasn’t as enthusiastic as I expected. What is it?”
“Well, it’s just…” he hesitates for a few seconds, glances at Akaashi who has nothing but patience in his face and decides to just say it and get it out, “I feel kinda guilty going to practice…when I failed an assignment. Like I should spend all my free time studying until I can get my grades up.”
“Playing volleyball isn’t something you do as an extra-curricular, Bokuto-san. You are attending university on a volleyball specific scholarship, so it naturally makes sense that you would be more devoted and do better in that area compared to your studies,” Akaashi tells him, supportive and quick to defend Bokuto as always (even against Bokuto himself).
Bokuto has more to say, though, and he can’t be so easily convinced this time, “But, that’s the thing, ‘kaashi. This is my sports scholarship, and it’s got rules. If I fail one of my subjects, I’ll lose everything. If I’m not even able to play volleyball, then I’m just an average kind of guy in everything else,” he trails off at the end, not liking or wanting to accept what he’s saying but knowing it’s the sad truth of the matter.
It’s silent for a little bit between them, and in the meantime, they arrive through the entrance to the park and start following the walking track. They’re not even a quarter of the way around when Akaashi has found his response, “I can’t agree to that, unfortunately. You are so far from being ordinary, Koutarou, whether you are playing volleyball or not.”
They keep on walking, at a slow but reasonable pace, and Akaashi keeps his eyes on Bokuto as he continues, “You are more than the skills and talent that you have. Your personality, your feelings, and how you see the world. All of it is incredibly rare, and indescribably special. How you view things in life is so admirable, I even become a little envious of you sometimes.”
Bokuto is flabbergasted, completely thrown off by such a response from Akaashi Keiji of all people. Hearing that Akaashi admired him, was envious of him, made his stomach flip over and his heart beat faster. He didn’t know, and often underestimated, the depth of Akaashi’s feelings for him sometimes. So, when they showed themselves so openly like this, Bokuto was often left speechless.
After his short pause, another smile crosses Akaashi’s face, directed straight at Bokuto in all of its shining glory, “Then, that envy is overtaken by a flood of gratitude and gratefulness because I am someone important in your world. And I am so lucky to know you, to be with you like this.”
“Keiji…” he utters softly, noting the redness in Akaashi’s ears as he turns away to look out across the park. They keep walking, but Bokuto feels like he’s floating on solid ground.
“I’ll take a picture, please wait a moment,” Akaashi says abruptly, pulling out his phone and getting the camera to focus on the treetops encroaching on the blue sky. The clouds are white and fluffy, and there’s not too many of them. Bokuto is staring upwards, admiring it, but looks back down when he hears the sound of the camera close to him.
“Akaaashi! You should’ve told me you wanted a photo and I would’ve smiled properly! I wasn’t ready!” Bokuto whined upon realising he had been a victim (again) of Akaashi’s candid photography.
“It’s okay, you look handsome. See?” showing him the photo, Akaashi is smiles and Bokuto has to admit, it does look quite good. That was just Akaashi’s talent coming through, though.
“You have tons of photos of me, but you never let me take any of you,” he continues to sulk, because well, it was true. Akaashi was very particular about pictures of himself, and as a result there was only a few of him that Bokuto had to look at on his phone. He needed to catch Akaashi while he was sleeping or studying intensely one time, but his boyfriend was good at outsmarting him.
Akaashi shrugs as if it can’t be helped, “That’s because Bokuto-san is very photogenic, while I am not. Besides, this is practice for when you’re a professional volleyball player someday. Everyone will want a picture of you.”
“R-Really? You think so? I-I’m not that great, though,” Bokuto stammers, rubbing up the back of his head sheepishly but with a burgeoning smile on his lips.
“What are you saying? Of course, you are. You’re the best, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi says emphatically, and it’s the end for Bokuto who turns into a laughing, smiling mess. He was weak to flattery, it wasn’t his fault! And it wasn’t every day that Akaashi praised him so generously.
Their lunch wasn’t anything special. Just some cheap but filling bentos from the convenience store near the park. Akaashi had proposed they eat their lunch outside on a bench in the nice weather, and Bokuto had jumped at the chance. Then, quicker than Bokuto could counter, a pair of chopsticks appeared over his bento and plucked up the piece of tamagoyaki he had been salvaging to eat at the end. Utter shock overtook his features, and he whipped his head sideways to face Akaashi, who was chewing away the remnants of his precious, sweet, rolled omelette.
“Aghaaaashiii! I was saving that piece of tamagoyaki, give it back!!” Bokuto cried indignantly, even though he knew it was hopeless as he watched Akaashi swallow the last of it before he answered.
Inclining his head repentantly towards Bokuto, he replied with, “My apologies but consider this as payback for you taking some of my chicken every time, both past and future.”
“No fair, I was lookin’ forward to it,” Bokuto started pouting then, poking around at his now bare-looking bento. Sure, he still had meat, but he needed the fluffiness of the egg to balance it all out!
“Please forgive me, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi’s voice beckoned to him, and he glumly swung his head over to look at his boyfriend again, when all too suddenly Akaashi leaned in and kissed his cheek sweetly. When he pulled back, he sent a lovely little smile Bokuto’s way that was absolutely irresistible – nobody could stay mad at Akaashi if he smiled at them like that!
“Gaahh! How can I stay mad, now!? It’s impossible! You’re too sneaky, ‘kaashi!” Bokuto despaired, a faint pink blush scattered across his cheeks as he tugged at his hair like an annoyed kid.
“I’m afraid I just know you too well,” leaning against him so their shoulders were pressing together, Akaashi places a piece of his chicken in Bokuto’s bento and continues eating from his own as if nothing had happened at all. Bokuto felt his smile grow bigger and leaned back against Akaashi as well as he dove back into his lunch.
Akaashi was trying really hard to cheer him up, seeming pleased whenever Bokuto would smile or laugh. When they finished, Akaashi carried the disposable boxes to the bin, and extended his hand to Bokuto, “Shall we walk around once more before heading off?”
Nodding enthusiastically, Bokuto springs to his feet and grabs hold of Akaashi’s hand immediately. They began to walk back the way they came, the breeze gentle as it ruffled through their hair. Ahh, it feels nice, Bokuto smiles without thinking about it, the sun beaming down on his face and his hand warm entangled with Akaashi’s.
Everything felt better when he was with Akaashi. Like he could slow down and see all the other things in life, besides all the things that were going wrong. He hoped Akaashi felt the same way when he was with Bokuto! Because he really wanted to be that person for Akaashi too, and it was kinda selfish, but he didn’t want it to be anyone else. Just as Akaashi would be by his side and always support him, Bokuto would do the same without question.
He and Akaashi took the train back to university campus, as that was where they both lived. In different student apartments, unfortunately, but being at the same university was more than enough for them. When they reached the point where they would have to part ways, they stopped and faced each other. Before Bokuto could even think to get a word out, Akaashi seemed to already have something to say and was speaking up first.
“Bokuto-san, I have a few things to give you,” Akaashi said, pulling his hand away so he could rifle through his backpack. Bokuto watches him curiously, and notices Akaashi pulls out a white folder, which he opens up and shows to him, “I’m sorry that I cannot help you directly with your course materials, but I’ve put together these for you, and I think they might help.”
“This is an outline of the general structure and important points to include in an essay. And in this one, I’ve given you a sample report to assist with your report writing. Keeping it simple and to the point is best, and will create a nice flow in your writing,” pointing to the essay and report structure respectively, Akaashi then moves on to the next one, “Here I’ve detailed how our university likes articles to be referenced. In an assignment, referencing correctly can gain you easy marks.”
“You…you did all this for me, ‘kaash?” Bokuto asked, quiet astonishment in his voice as he shuffled through the laminated, coloured information sheets. The text wasn’t too tiny that it would hurt his eyes or make him get bored easily, and the language was simple and direct – like he could hear Akaashi talking him through it on paper.
“It was no trouble. I should have done something like this with you sooner, then maybe you wouldn’t have been left feeling so overwhelmed by everything. The step up from first to second year is slight but it’s certainly a noticeable change,” Akaashi says, his voice empathetic despite how his eyes show that he doesn’t understand it fully, “Even if I haven’t experienced it yet myself, I know that it must be so difficult. That’s why I will be always be here to encourage you when it gets too hard to do it for yourself.”
Feeling his heart quiver with the weight of the emotions building in his chest, Bokuto stares at Akaashi for a moment, admiring his profile in the afternoon sun under one of the cherry blossom trees. Then, he puts the folder carefully inside his own backpack to keep it safe. Once he’s done with that, he moves in closer and wraps his strong arms around Akaashi’s shoulders, hugging him to his chest closely, with his eyes peeking over the top of Bokuto’s shoulder.
“Thank you. I’m really glad I have you, Keiji,” he murmurs lowly, his eyes feeling a little wet, but he blinks the feeling away, squeezing Akaashi just that little bit tighter, “I feel like you always understand me, and you’re always there for me.”
“Of course. Since high school, one of my favourite hobbies was understanding as much as I could about my eccentric senior and captain, the great Bokuto-san,” Akaashi is hugging him back with both arms now, with one of his hands patting between Bokuto’s shoulder blades tenderly.
Then, he pulls back slightly, not breaking the hug but so he can see Bokuto’s face when he says his next words, “I want to do as much as I can for you, so please don’t hide how you feel from me anymore. If you are struggling, you can come to me. I’ll never turn you away or brush you off, Koutarou.”
Inhaling deeply, Bokuto shifts so his hands are now cradling Akaashi’s face, “I really, really, love you,” he proclaims, uncaring of the people passing them by or the embarrassing boldness of his actions.
And Akaashi doesn’t seem to mind it either, his hands snaking up to wrap around Bokuto’s, which were still holding his face, “I really love you, too.”
After today, Bokuto felt revitalised. Even if he felt lonely, it wasn’t a bad thing: it was normal, everyone felt that way from time to time. But he could take comfort in the fact he had someone like Akaashi he could lean on to support him through it. Even though Bokuto had known Akaashi was there for him before, he’d still held back, afraid of burdening him with his problems when Akaashi surely had his own. Sometimes, what you think people will say and what they actually end up doing can be so different, it will surprise you. Akaashi wanted all of his feelings, the good and the bad, and Bokuto had never been luckier to have found such a person to stay by his side.