Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It's his therapist who suggests it, in the end. Not this, specifically, but something similar to this. And Matteo knows he needs it, too. Because even though he goes to his biweekly sessions, and since almost a month ago takes his meds daily, his mind still needs him to exercise. 

At first, the thought had been overwhelming - it still is, if he's being honest - but his therapist reminded him that he doesn't have to pick an activity and stick with it right away. Matteo is allowed to think it over, try it out, see what fits; he just has to do something besides sitting around in his room, waiting for Jonas to get home. 

There are some obvious choices to rule out immediately: mainly, team sports. Being part of a team means making a constant effort not to mess things up, and a pressure to impress whoever's on his team. The thought of letting someone else down due to his own failures is unbearable, and his social anxiety levels are already high as it is. So, solo activities it is.

He could go to a gym, he knows this, but he also knows he dislikes the strong scent of sweat from other people working out, and he gets stressed out by the metallic sounds of different equipment being used. Matteo could also go out running - to get away from crowded gyms, as Jonas had suggested - but just the thought of dragging himself out in the morning to run along the streets of Berlin makes him exhausted. Then there's running etiquette, he assumes, like secret rules he's unaware of because he doesn't run, and other sprinters will notice him doing it all wrong, notice he's not actually a person who runs.

He also knows his therapist would tell him that all his thoughts are just that, thoughts, but he's not ready to discuss all of his insecurities with her just yet. After all, he's only been going there for a few sessions so far, and his less pressing issues have had to wait for now.

There are probably thousands of options for working out if he would just do some research - Berlin is a big city, after all, and he knows next to nothing about sports - but the thing is, Matteo is easily overwhelmed. He doesn't want to look into just how many options there are out there for him to choose from, he just needs to find something and try it out. No commitment, no membership or complete change of lifestyle, just… something. Matteo had promised his therapist he'd pick something and try it out before their next Tuesday session, so that they could properly talk through his experience.

It's Friday when Matteo once again goes through possible alternatives in his head, and for some reason, he thinks about being a kid. Team sports had never been his thing, even as a kid they'd stress him out, but there were summers when Matteo would go with Jonas and his family to go swimming, and the amount of people in the water wouldn't affect him as it usually would. Something about weightlessly drifting through the water, not realising the time passing, made his constant sense of anxiousness die out a bit, at least for a while.

With that in mind, alongside with his promise to his therapist and the fact that it is already Friday, Matteo ends up taking the bus in another direction than usual and ends up outside of the entrance to a communal swimming pool. He's not sure why he picked this, neither the activity nor this place in particular, and he's not sure he's actually going to swim today. But, if nothing else, he at least has to try. 

So.

Matteo slowly makes his way through the entrance doors, shuffling inside as he sees a reception desk with some swimming goggles on display at the front. He doesn't think he'll need to buy any, but the thoughts of unwritten rules and social codes he doesn't know how to decipher still hits him, and he's ready to have a minor freak out over not knowing what he's doing when he hears a careful cough that's enough to catch his attention. When he looks up to see who caused it, all Matteo can find are two brown eyes already set on him.

"Can I help you with something?"

Matteo tries to remember any of the uncertainties he's been carrying around in his head, anything regarding swimming and public pools and locker rooms, but for once, his mind is blissfully quiet. Instead, Matteo's brain seems to focus on the sight before him; a guy almost the same height as Matteo, but with skin much darker than the paleness of his own, and damp, dark curls pushed back from his face.

Then he remembers where he is, and why he is there - and if he ever wants to come here again, he needs to be able to talk to the person at the other side of the desk.

"Uh, yeah, I… I want to swim, but I don't really know" Matteo rambles, and drifts off, not sure how to articulate how unsure he feels about all of this.

But the person opposite him just tilts his head a bit to the side, like he's trying to use psychic powers to figure out what Matteo wants, and offers a small smile that does nothing to help Matteo's brain with focusing.

"I don't have a membership or anything" Matteo continues, deciding it's as good place as any to start. He really should have looked into this place before he got here, so that he could at least look like he wasn't completely helpless, but he also knows his therapist would tell him these kinds of thoughts are pretty unhelpful, so he tries to let it go. 

"That's okay" the guy answers, and Matteo notices how his nerves calm a little at the sound of his voice. "I'll help you out."

At that, Matteo just nods, hoping his eyes can convey the sudden burst of gratitude flowing through him at those words.

Chapter Text

It's mostly a temporary job, but David still likes it there. He's never seen himself as doing anything like this - whenever he'd picture his future in a somewhat bright light, he would be a director, or an artist of some kind - but when he got the job at the swimming facility it still felt right, like something fit. Sure, he's mostly helping families with kids who's lost their towels or the keychain to the changing room lockers, and making sure no one drowns on his watch, but it keeps him busy. And, it helps with his and Laura's rent, which is the main reason for even looking for work. 

Laura had initially wanted David to focus on his studies, and not burning himself out during his first year of university, but the truth is they both need the money this job offers. Also, David has been feeling guilty over living of off Laura's income for long enough; he needs to do his part to pay for rent and food, if not for her than for his own conscience. So, three days a week and some weekends, he takes his shifts as a lifeguard, complete with a crimson coloured uniform, and tries not to focus on anything except the tasks ahead.

He doesn't usually work Fridays, mostly because he has two different classes taking up most of his day, but due to the later one of them being rescheduled he heads to work shortly after his first class ends. Fridays aren't usually that busy anyway, he reasons, so it probably won't be that bad even though he's a bit tired. 

When he gets there, one of his newest co-workers greets him with a nod from their place at the desk, offering a smile before looking down at whatever they were busy with on the screen. David smiles back, politely, before making his way towards the staff changing rooms. One of the perks with his workplace is the private changing room stalls, where David can change into his work attire without getting strange glances from his oblivious co-workers. Also, the shirt he's acquired to wear fits him surprisingly well and conveniently hides his binder, making him a bit less self conscious walking around the swimming pools, looking over different levels of bare chests heaving from exercise. 

The thing is, David loves swimming. When he was younger, with a body not yet formed into anything, or anyone, he would go into the water with Laura, then refusing to leave. As a kid, David could be in the water for hours; when his sister had already gotten bored hours ago, switching to reading or just enjoying the warmth of the sun, David would still move through the calm surface, move his arms to create waves. His body felt at home there, with the water against his skin, droplets forming there and glistening in the daylight.

Then his body slowly started to grow, his limbs stretching out against his will, transforming him into something - someone - that made his entire skin itch, his fingers scratch against it. He found his hands searching the rest of his body for hidden zippers for him to unzip, freeing him of the layers that people mistook for him , but there was only skin, and David's fingers left red marks over the torso in frustration.

And with this, David stopped. 

At first, he would still join Laura when she'd go to the nearby lake or wanting to take the bus out to the seaside. He would sit there, pretending he had plans to actually come into the water, only to then decide not to. It didn't take that many trips like these for Laura to see right through him; they might not be twins, but their connection was still close to telepathic. Only, this time, Laura couldn't just figure out what bothered her younger sibling, and they'd both end up frustrated and a bit more closed off from each other. 

It wasn't until one night, when their parents had gone away for the weekend to visit some friends and David and Laura had claimed opposite halves of the couch, lazily re-watching a movie, that Laura had suddenly had enough of the secrecy around him.

David doesn't remember the night in microscopic detail, but he thinks Laura softly started to poke his sides. She didn't stop even when he told her to, just kept poking him until he got annoyed and asked what her problem was, in a voice that came out too harshly for their quiet home. At that, Laura had just studied him; he wasn't sure why, but he knew that she'd decided that he wasn't allowed his secret anymore. His hands had started shaking under the blanket he had draped over his lap, and it felt like his heart pushed itself further into his chest, with heartbeats too rough, too uneven. 

What's wrong?

Laura's voice harboured something both stern and impossibly soft, and it was all it took for David's breath to falter and small tears pooling at the edge of his eyes. 

He doesn't remember what he’d answered. He doesn't remember which words he'd used to begin to explain what he felt, who he was. 

He remembers Laura, though. 

He remembers two strong arms pressing around him, like a bird enveloping its young under their protective wings, not letting go despite how forcefully his body was shaking against hers, not letting go until he'd fallen asleep from pure exhaustion. The next time he woke up, he was in his own bed, with his sister sleeping next to him, clutching the blanket from the night before. 

After that, the Schreibner siblings had no secrets between them, only a shared feeling of it being them against the rest. Laura was everything for him, taking on both the role of a parent, sister and best friend, and David knew it was unfair, but the relief of having her by his side was greater than his feelings of guilt.

Now, as he’s slowly making his way over to the sides of the swimming pools, he tries not to think about everything he still doesn’t - can't - have, just quickly glancing over the bodies shifting in movement, before grabbing a pair of goggles from the floor that someone seemingly had forgotten by one of the now empty swimming lanes. He's very aware of this being one of the slower shifts of the week, but the lack of swimmers or even kids playing in the water almost makes him restless.

It's not until an hour later, when he's behind the front desk, not really doing anything, that someone wakes him up from his absent-minded state. A figure with a slightly slumped posture and an oversized, weirdly patterned jacket moves through the entrance, with eyes flickering around a bit, as if he's not sure he knows where he is despite the signs out front. David can't help but study him as this guy walks closer, and he's almost startled when the stranger looks up at him with eyes a mixture of blue and grey that David thinks he's never seen before. And he's an artist, after all.

After greeting him in the most professional way he can manage, due to the circumstances of the other boy’s gaze on David’s face, he listens patiently before realising this person is just as unsure as a first look at him suggests. And David gets it, he knows what it's like to feel like you're out of place, not knowing how to even begin searching for something safe. 

The boy moves his hand through his blond hair while he rambles, pushing it away from his eyes, and that's when David makes up his mind.

"I'll help you out."

Chapter Text

Somehow, after stumbling through his interaction with the guy at the desk, Matteo locates the changing rooms with his bag in a loose grip in his hand. So far, it wasn't that bad; he had learned that if he wanted to, he could just pay for each visit there as he went, not needing to sign up for anything if he wasn't sure about it yet. Really, he just needed his swimming trunks and a towel, and that was all Matteo wanted to hear. 

Maybe, he thinks, this didn't have to be such a struggle. Maybe.

It's not like he's suddenly calm, though. There was still the process of changing - which always felt a bit awkward, but he figured it wouldn't be as bad here as in the locker rooms at his old school - and then finding his way to the right swimming pool, picking the correct lane.

He thinks he'll just start with the clothes, though, and then go from there.

After finding a locker to push his bag into, he fumbles a bit with his shirt and quickly changes out of his jeans, losing his socks in the process. On his way to the showers, he accidentally catches a glimpse of his reflection in the mirrors, and the paleness of his exposed torso reminds him of just how rarely he leaves the comfort of his own room, or the apartment he shares with Jonas. 

He hates to think about it, but as he sees the reflection, his first thought is: I look sick . Like his body doesn't work properly. And it doesn't, he assumes, if his sleep deprivation and headaches are anything to go by. That's why I'm here, though , he reminds himself; He's not well but he's trying to get better. The fact that he's even forced himself out of bed, taken the bus to a new place and interacted with a stranger to ask for help, all in one day, is proof of how much he's really trying to fix things. 

On the other side of the door after the showers, Matteo finds a big area with one of the walls consisting of floor-to-ceiling windows, where the light currently shines through and seems to make the intensely blue water shimmer. There are five different areas, he concludes: one with trampolines at different heights, one where he thinks kids or teens probably just play around, and three different ones for exercising placed furthest away from him. 

As he starts making his way over there, a bit slowly so not to trip on the wet tiles, he realises he's more or less alone. There is an elderly woman treading slowly through the water in the first of the three lanes he's considering, and after a glance at a nearby sign he realises it's the slower paced one of his alternatives. The middle one is empty, but the sign says it's mainly for breaststrokes. Two men are currently crawling at an intimidating speed in the third one, so focused Matteo's not sure they're even aware of each other, and he knows he could never even consider interrupting their movements. 

So, choosing the middle lane, he goes into the water, revelling at the feeling against his skin, and then he swims. 

At first, it's easier than he’d remembered it to be. His arms immediately know how to move, stretching out while his legs push through the water. It's simple, and monotone, which is exactly what Matteo wants - no thinking or analysing, no decision making, just this. Swimming until he reaches the wall, turn, and swim back. When his limbs slowly starts to feel tired, making his movements less agile, he looks over to a screen on the wall telling him he's been in the water for little over thirty minutes.

The process of going home is easier, despite his body now feeling heavy from tiring itself out with exercise. He lazily dries his hair with his towel before changing into his clothes, wrapping himself up in layers after layers. If Matteo knows anything about himself, it's that he finds it comforting to hide under thick sweaters or heavy blankets, making him feel less bare and exposed. When he's put all his things in his bag, he heads out, only focusing on the thought of coming home and spending the rest of the day in bed, hiding away in the soft universe it provided. 

When he reaches the exit, someone pulls him out of his thoughts, though.

The boy doesn't even say anything, at first, and Matteo realises he hasn't seen him yet. He doesn't know if he is supposed to say something or not, and before making his mind up, his focus shifts to studying the lines of the guy's face.

As if he could feel Matteo's lingering gaze on his skin, he looks up and gives him a smile Matteo doesn't know how to interpret, and Matteo's words stumbles out of him.

"Uh, thank you.. for you know, helping me out." 

It's nothing more than a mumble, really, and Matteo almost thinks he's being incoherent, until he sees the smile growing wider, reaching the dark eyes he's trying not to glance at.

"You're welcome" he offers, nodding at Matteo as if in agreement, before adding,

 "I hope I'll see you around." 

And Matteo knows that this person is just doing his job, that he's just being nice to Matteo because he's supposed to, and Matteo probably looks in need of any assistance he can get. Still, his body doesn't care about this; he can already feel a slight blush on his face as he answers his smile, and something inside of his body is quietly humming when he exits the building.

He hasn't been home for more than twenty minutes, just enough time for him to hang his towel up to dry, when Jonas enters the apartment, smiling at Matteo when he finds him in the kitchen.

"You're up!" he says excitedly, with surprise tinting his voice, as he grabs something from the fridge.

Matteo just shrugs at this - he knows he spends a lot of time in bed, but it still makes him self conscious whenever someone points it out to him.

"Yeah, well, I went out earlier" he mumbles, starting to pick at the stack of papers laying around on the small kitchen table.

"Yeah, where?" Jonas asks, genuinely curious while going through the kitchen drawers in the search for something. 

"Just went swimming" he says, not remembering the name of the actual place, and despite his casual voice, Jonas turns around to look at him at this.

"Really? Swimming?" There's no mocking or even disbelief, really. No, Jonas just sounds impressed by this fact.

The thought almost makes his mind focus back on how incapable he is, if something like him going swimming impresses his best friend, but he decides to just focus on the warmth of Jonas' smile instead. 

"That's great" he continues, patting Matteo on the shoulder from where he stands leaning behind him. "You want to order pizza or something? I really don't wanna cook."

And at that, Matteo knows the conversation has shifted focus, and he relaxes a bit before nodding at him.

"Sure, but you're the one getting the door."

Chapter Text

After a weekend of making sure he's up to date with all his assignments, focusing mainly on his course in contemporary film analysis, David goes to work after his Monday class with something almost hopeful in his system.

He is very aware of the fact that plenty of people who come there to swim just go there once and then can't be bothered, unless they're more ambitious with their workout, and yet a part of him dares to wish that a certain stranger will return. In addition to the fact that the blond looked nothing like an athlete - though, David reasons, he was too hidden under multiple layers for him to actually tell - few people who’s there Friday afternoon return as soon as Monday.  

David is also very aware of just how much thought he's giving someone he's interacted with just once, and said interaction had barely lasted five minutes. Most likely, this guy just came there to be able to say he's tried it out, and would then join a gym or something like most people their age. Though, David thinks, he hadn't strike him as a guy who'd willingly go to the gym.

He actively has to remind himself that it's unreasonable to have this debate with himself about a stranger he met briefly three days ago , and he forces himself to reposition his body at the side of the pools just to shift his focus elsewhere. 

When the display on the wall shows 16:00, a group of teens shuffle through the door leading to the men's changing rooms, staying put at the end of the nearest pool until an instructor David's only talked to a few times in the breakroom enters the swimming area, giving them a stern smile as they poke each other’s sides playfully. If David remembers correctly, their class is for teens who, for different reasons, didn't learn to swim as kids, and now attend this class weekly. David's colleague had talked about her students with warmth in her voice, although she's currently showing no trace of it as she directs their fumbling movements in the water.

His shift goes by without much happening; around six, more and more people in their thirties or forties shows up, probably coming there straight from work, but they all keep to themselves and none of them really needs David's assistance. Two older swimmers, both looking like retirees, comes up to him to ask about what time the pool closes, although David thinks they are regulars here. Mostly, though, David doesn't really interact with anyone until he gets home, when Laura greets him from the kitchen.

"Anyone drowned?" She asks, not looking up from whatever she's typing on her laptop. 

"Not yet" he just replies, dropping off his bag in his room before returning to the kitchen, looking for anything that could count as dinner. He ends up making fried rice, improvising with whatever vegetables he can find, and Laura doesn't complain about the somewhat strange flavour combination when he offers her a plate as well. 

During his shift on Tuesday it's a bit more busy, since that's the one day they have student discount, and it's almost enough to keep David occupied. Almost, because he still finds himself wanting to see someone walk through the entrance, someone he actually wants to keep talking to. He doesn't, though, and on his way home after closing up, David thinks it's really time for him to let this go. You barely even talked , he reminds himself, shaking his head in the process.

On Wednesday, one of his days off, he actually manages to not think about anything related to his job; all his focus is on school. His newest assignment had sounded a bit dull at first, but the more David looked into it, the more intrigued he got. When Laura knocks on his slightly open bedroom door to tell him there's food for him if he wants some, he realises just how fast the hours has passed, and he closes his laptop to join his sister.

It's thirty minutes into his Thursday shift, and he sits by the pool, when he finally sees him again, and David isn't sure if he's just imagining it at this point.

Dressed in just a dark blue pair of swimming shorts, just long enough to brush against his knees, is the blond boy from almost a week before. The dark colour of his shorts makes his skin look almost radiating in contrast, and David's eyes trace the swift lines of his upper body. He was right, he concludes, about this boy not being an athlete; his body is thin, with arms hanging at his sides without any hints of muscles, just pale skin with barely noticeable birthmarks painted on his body. 

And he's not supposed to stare, he knows this, and yet, he can't force himself to look away. It's not until he hears the sound of excessive splashing that he manages to drag himself out if his thoughts, and when he finds nothing had actually happened - as usual - the boy has already made his way to the edge of the pool, looking down at the water as if contemplating something. With the length of a swimming lane between them, David can't make out his expression, but he assumes the boy makes up his mind as he then determinedly enters the pool. 

It doesn't take long for him to find his rhythm, David notices. He tries to focus on the other swimmers, making sure no one needs his help, but his eyes keep drifting back to the movement of the same pair of arms making their way through the water. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, David envies him; envies the way his body moves purposefully, without any hint of uncertainty or self consciousness. It's all he wants, really - to feel secure in his body no matter the situation, being able to look down at his bare chest without an immediate wave of anxiety hitting him with full force.

"Uhm, hi."

The voice makes David's spiralling thoughts come to a halt, and his head snaps up to see the boy now standing a few feet away from him, obviously just have gotten out of the water. His pale face is now flushed pink from his exercise, and there is a soft shyness to his face. David almost forgets to say something back.

"Hi!" It comes out a bit forcefully, but at least it earns him a smile in return.

"You're doing okay?" he continues, remembering he is in fact at work, and is supposed to at least seem professional. 

"Yeah, uh, it's good" he nods, motioning vaguely at the pool behind him.  "Thanks again." 

He adds the last words a bit more quietly, like his voice is drifting off, and David nods at this. All he's done is really just to explain their basic rules to him, and not trying to push him into getting a membership. Before David can come up with anything to say to him, the boy turns away to make his way to the changing rooms, raising his hand a bit awkwardly at David before he disappears.

Chapter Text

Matteo feels less anxious than usual when he turns up at his therapist’s office, taking his place across from her. He guesses it’s because she’s given him a distinct task to do, and he’s managed to do it. Now, they don’t have to talk about all the ways his brain stops him from doing literally anything he thinks he should be able to do.

When she asks him about how it’s been, he starts of just talking a bit about his past weeks in general; he cooked dinner from scratch once for him and Jonas, on a day when he actually felt like doing something, and he hung out with Hanna for a while before Jonas came home a bit late when the two of them were supposed to hang out. 

All in all, it’s been a not completely terrible time. But, Matteo reminds himself, that’s not really the goal they’re going for here. 

“I, uh, also went swimming” he adds, after a pause in the conversation, for some reason not wanting to look at her reaction.

Instead of being overly impressed, like Jonas had been, she just gives him a smile that indicates that she’s maybe a bit surprised, but mostly content that they can continue the session as planned. She asks him about it, how it was, how he felt about going there by himself. Matteo thinks she’s going to comment on the fact that he chose an activity he could do on his own, without having to interact with anyone, but she doesn’t; she just listens.

“Do you feel like this is something you want to do again?”

Matteo has asked himself this many times over the past weekend, but his mind always latches onto the wrong details, only zooms in on a face with soft features, tilted to the side, eyes looking at him. It’s like someone put blinders on him, making him unable to imagine anything else about going swimming; as soon as he tries to picture how he felt in the water, or the changing rooms, his mind hurries back to the sound of a voice offering to help him out.

It’s literally been four days by now, and Matteo thinks he shouldn’t be able to remember the face in such detail still, but it’s as if his brain decided to dedicate itself entirely to not forget this. And he knows, if he’s being honest, that he really, really wants to see it again.

“Yeah, I think so.”

On Wednesday, Jonas asks him if he wants to join him and some of his friends from class at some event a few of them are organising - to be honest, Matteo couldn’t really focus on the conversation for that long - but Matteo is tired, so he doesn’t. He wants to hang out with Jonas, because even though they share an apartment, their schedules don’t really match, and Matteo gets lonely when he’s alone for too long. He assumes Jonas’ friends are alright, because Jonas has great taste in friends (considering they have most of their friends in common and all), but he knows himself, and he knows his energy levels are low. He’s already had his therapy session this week, and he’s supposed to go swimming later this week, and he’s still more or less sleep deprived. 

It’s hard, to be honest. He wishes it wasn’t, and that he didn’t have to ever let Jonas down, but he does, over and over. Matteo keeps saying no to things, and Jonas still invites him, even though Matteo almost thinks he shouldn’t. He’s glad he does, though. He is all too aware of how easily Jonas could have dropped him after they graduated, but instead, Jonas started talking about finding a cheap place to live together, and Matteo didn’t have to lose his best friend when Jonas started university and Matteo didn’t. Sure, Matteo has more friends than just Jonas, but he knows that if he didn’t have energy to reach out and stay in touch with his best friend, he wouldn’t be able to keep his other friends either.

Matteo can’t sleep.

It’s not news to probably anyone at this point that his sleep schedule is less than ideal, but as long as he gets to sleep enough hours, he doesn’t really mind what time he wakes up. It’s the lying awake, trying and failing to force his body to sleep with anxious thoughts clouding his brain, that he minds. It leaves his body sluggish and almost constantly gives him headaches the following day, the sort of headache that never really seems to leave. 

He thinks about being alone, again. The what ifs that always tend to make their way back to him: What if Jonas decides to move in with Hanna so he ends up alone. He wouldn’t be able to pay rent, and get more stressed than he already is about being unemployed, and he’d have to find a roommate, and it’d be an entire process of meeting people he doesn’t really want to meet and then live with them, until they realise he’s a less than ideal roommate, and they too will leave. 

Or - and this somehow feels just as bad - what if Jonas stays with him, out of guilt, because he knows Matteo is incapable of being alone and just as incapable of finding someone to be with. What if Matteo is the only thing keeping him and Hanna from living together, unknowingly making Jonas frustrated at him for being so dependent and in constant need of company. What if Jonas just sticks around because he’d feel too guilty not to.

His thoughts keep him up until past 3 am, and when he wakes again around noon, he feels a mix of disorientation and dizziness. He thinks Jonas is probably out for classes, if Matteo remembers correctly, and the flat is quiet when he finally drags himself out to the kitchen. There's no headache yet, he realises, and he guesses the dizziness will stop once he's eaten something.

After downing a glass of juice - he can't bother to make coffee right now - and having some toast with the last cheese he can find in the fridge, he looks around in his room for his swimming shorts and a clean towel. His energy isn’t high , it rarely is, but Matteo knows he should take advantage of this state of not feeling horrible and go back to the indoor pools. At least then, he figures, he can go into the weekend feeling a bit less shitty about himself. 

When he gets there, he goes directly to the desk, feeling less unsure this time what he’s supposed to say to the person on the other side. The person, in this case a stranger in her mid-thirties, assists him quickly, not really paying much attention to him. After that, the process is pretty simple; he easily locates the changing rooms - considering he’s now been there before - and takes less time finding a locker and showering now that the place is somewhat familiar to him.

As soon as he opens the door to the swimming pool area, he tries to block out his surroundings as much as possible. He realises as soon as he starts making his way over to his preferred pool - if you can call it that after only going there once - that it’s a bit more crowded this time, and he tries to not think about it too much. He knows that the minute he gets into the water, he will be able to drown out the sounds of other people around him; it’s probably the only place where Matteo is actually able to focus, without getting distracted by any nearby commotion.  

That’s why, he guesses, he doesn’t notice the familiar face from the week before being across the pool from him, his dark hair tousled around his face, until he’s been in the water for at least forty minutes. It happens when he’s reached the wall, and has just turned around to swim the same distance back. And he knows, instantly, that he’s fucked.

‘Cause if Matteo is bad at exercising on a good day, he is completely useless when faced with this sight that sends shivers down his body despite the water being pleasantly warm. So, instead of continuing his earlier monotone movements back and forth in the pool, he just stands there, with his back pressed to the wet tiles, water reaching his shoulders. He realises he should just get up when another swimmer passes him, not saying anything but still seems bothered about Matteo just standing there.

Before he knows what he’s doing, Matteo has made his way across the pool, and his mind doesn’t catch up with his movements until he’s already standing at the feet of the other boy; the boy who even though they’re so close doesn’t seem to notice him. Matteo almost wants to pretend he hasn’t just slowed down in front of him, even less that he’s stopped swimming at the sight of him, but instead, he stutters out a ‘hi’ in greeting. 

At this, the other boy’s head snaps up at him, with a face impossible to read.

“Hi!” The gleeful tone doesn’t match his previous expression at all, and the change almost gives Matteo whiplash. His smile seems genuine, though, and it’s more than Matteo could hope for.

He’s pretty sure he’s blushing by now, due solely to the fact that the other boy’s gaze is still on him, and he’s suddenly very aware of how undressed he is in only his swimming shorts. The other boy has his red uniform, but despite it being what everyone wears, and in itself not being very flattering, Matteo thinks it somehow manage to look good on the guy in front of him. 

And, wow. 

His focus flies out the window with that thought, so much so that he almost misses the question directed at him. He answers it, barely, and makes some comment before he more or less hurries over to the changing rooms, only waving slightly when he remembers he didn’t even say goodbye or ask something back. Oh God.  

Chapter Text

If David’s last interaction with the blond boy showing up at the swimming pools had left him a bit unfocused for days, this one takes up his entire brain capacity. 

Laura takes notice of his dumb smile when he comes home later that day, and he just mumbles something about things going well at work and while she doesn’t seem too convinced, she’s too invested in the book she’s reading to push the subject further.

A couple of hours later, when he’s in bed, ready to drift off to sleep, all he sees behind his eyelids is the movements of the boy swimming back and forth, back and forth. The outlines of his back gently carving through the water, his almost lanky arms pushing his body further. Somehow, the images help to lull him to sleep.

It becomes a bit of a problem when he’s sitting in class, in the middle of a discussion group, realising he’s not sure which topic they’re currently on. If there’s anything David is not going to mess up, it’s his university classes. He’s worked hard to even get through his abi last year, and when he found out he’d gotten accepted to uni to study film, he felt as if a light from a newly discovered sun suddenly found its way into his life. He isn’t going to lose focus of any of his film classes due to seeing a cute boy for two seconds, causing his brain to seemingly malfunction. Although cute is probably the greatest understatement he has ever made. 

When Tuesday makes its appearance - and with it, David’s next shift - David knows he should do something about the...situation he’s found himself in. He’s standing behind the desk, forcing himself to double-check a reservation some school class had made for later that week on the computer. He’s done it more than twice already, but it’s early into his workday and nothing is happening to keep his mind off the boy occupying most of his awaken thoughts.

Of course, when the entrance doors open at that thought, the person walking through them is none other than him, and something with the way the light hits him makes David notice his sharp undercut for the first time. Oh fuck.

As soon as he’s reached David, though, and looks as if to say something, there’s a loud noise behind them and David sees the large group of students making their way into the building. Right, the Student Discount Tuesday. They’re a bit loud, but not enough to warrant David saying anything about it. When he turns his focus back to the boy in front of him, his blue eyes seem a bit unsettled. 

“Everything okay?” He almost scolds himself mentally for not even saying hello first.

“Hi, yeah, uh, just… a lot of people.” 

The boy gestures back to the crowd, without making it obvious to anyone but David, and then sends David a trying smile, as if to say he’s not that bothered by it. Something about the way he’s now shuffling a bit at the desk tells him he is, though.

“Yeah, Tuesdays aren’t the best days if you want to be alone.” David starts to explain, pointing at a sign telling customers about their discount deal. 

“Oh, didn’t see that one.”

He sounds sad, or at least something close to it, and no, David can’t have that. He imagines him going to the changing rooms, feeling uncomfortable surrounded by a bunch of guys their age but feeling like he has to swim now that he's already here. Then he imagines this boy turning around instead, deciding he'll just go home, and simply not come back. 

Either way, David needs another outcome for him. He thinks for a second, then articulates his thoughts out loud.

“Thursdays are great, though.”

At that, the boy looks up at David’s face with a puzzled look on his face, before he looks down to the floor with a smile David can barely make out.

“Yeah?” when he looks up at David again, David makes sure to lock their eyes together, not wanting the hint of a smile to wash away.

“Yeah. No discount, I’m afraid, but it’s not that many people here.”

“Hmm.” The blond contemplates this for a moment, before something almost bold finds its way to his smile.

“Will you be here, then?”

David isn’t prepared for the question, and everything from the implication of it to the way the other boy’s gaze is still on him makes his body almost ignite. Does he want him to be there?

“I will” he finally says, trying to compose himself while still offering a small smile.

“Okay then.” 

They’re quiet for a while, just looking at each other and both slightly nodding at the conclusion, before David gets greedy.

“Does this mean you want to become a member? It’s cheaper in the long run than paying for every visit separately, if you’re planning on coming here more frequently.”

He’s almost sure he’s pushed him too far with this, as the boy’s gaze flickers a bit and once again drops to the floor, but when he raises it again, David thinks otherwise.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Alright then.” David can’t contain the smile he knows takes up most of his face at this point.

He starts with explaining the basics - different costs for different kinds of memberships, opening hours et cetera - before opening a membership form on the screen, checking the different boxes before needing to fill out a name. To David’s surprise, the boy almost blushes when he asks him.

“Matteo Florenzi.”

At this, it’s David who blushes, not being able to comprehend how good that name sounds. Matteo Florenzi.  

“Nice to meet you, Matteo. I’m David.”

After filling out the rest of the form - David desperately tries to avoid the fact that he now technically has access to Matteo’s phone number - Matteo quickly says something about heading back home, due to the crowded pool, and David nods in some sort of agreement.

“See you Thursday, then.”

David is pretty sure that the slight pink shade to Matteo’s cheek matches the one of his own. 

"Uh, yeah, see you." His voice stutters a bit before he leaves, and it sounds so cute that David is glad Matteo now has his back to him, so that his face can't betray him. 

There is something about Matteo - David can't get passed the excitement of finally having a name to the face - that makes him think that everything won't end in disaster, and it's the scariest thought he's had in a while. 

If he'd ever tell Laura, she'd scold him for being so gloomy, but he won't tell her, not yet. And if he would tell her about him , he would probably leave out the part about David not being able to imagine a happy future for himself without feeling terrified due to it feeling like unknown territory.

The remaining hours of his shift sort of passes in a blur, with a constant feeling of giddiness present in his stomach. When he comes home, he thinks Laura will call him out on this immediately, but for once she's not home when he gets in so she can't use their somewhat telepathic connection to get inside his head. 

Instead of starting on dinner for the both of them, or at least unpack his work bag, he goes directly to his room. He more or less throws himself onto the bed before he leans over to his bedside table, grabs his sketchbook and starts to draw the outline of a now familiar face.

Chapter Text

Matteo is convinced there is something wrong with him, more so than usual, when his body can't stop buzzing after waking up earlier than usual. It's Wednesday, meaning both that his interaction with David the day before is still fresh in his mind, and that his next one is in less than 24 hours. It shouldn't matter this much, but it does, and Matteo doesn't want to think about why . He is pretty sure he already knows the answer, anyway, he just has too much else to deal with to focus on why his brain is slowly turning into useless mush and his body can't be still.

When Jonas finds him in the kitchen, Matteo's legs are restlessly bouncing under the table, and Jonas just grins at him when he notices. 

"You get all that energy from swimming?" He teases, knowing very well just how sceptical Matteo's always been of any form of exercise. When they went to school together, Matteo had basically skipped the entirety of their gym class, not even pretending to try it.

"Don't know" he shrugs, although he does know, considering he didn't actually get to swim yesterday. 

Jonas places a cup of coffee in front of him, despite his body not seeming to need it.

“Danke.” Matteo offers a smile in return, before focusing back on the name that has now taken up residence in his mind. 

David.

The thing is, despite all his efforts to deny this, a part of Matteo knows that David didn't have to help him as much as he had done. Both his patient smiles and the time he took filling out Matteo's form for him probably wasn't something any lifeguard working there would have done.

Maybe, though, that's just how David is - a genuinely nice person, taking his time with every customer that comes in looking confused and in need of his help. Maybe the smile that reaches his eyes - a smile that had already etched itself onto Matteo's brain - was a smile he offered everyone he interacted with, no matter their importance to him.

Or-

No , Matteo stops himself, he’s not going down that path of his brain this early in the day. He’d rather not do it any time of the day, if he’s being honest, but still.

“So, you got any plans for today or?” 

Jonas’ question is a welcomed distraction from the mess of thoughts, but he also fears this question is more than just him being polite. Still, he has to answer something, and there’s really no point in lying. 

“Not really.” He shrugs a bit, not looking at Jonas and instead shifts his focus to the coffee in front of him.

“Alright.” Jonas smiles at him, as if that’s all, and Matteo is too tired from being up before noon to read anything into it.

The conversation isn’t over, though, he realises when he’s had his second piece of toast and is having a debate with himself about how soon he has to force himself to go grocery shopping to not starve. It’s his turn - and to be fair, Jonas does more than his part of that deal - and he doesn’t want Jonas to have to remind him about it. 

“There’s a party at Hanna’s on Friday, you wanna go?”

Ah. There it is.

Matteo knows he’s been avoiding their friends a bit lately, and that it was honestly just a matter of time before anyone would call him out on it. It makes no sense to him why the weirdly large group of people he gets to call his friends are actually still friends with him, and making excuses to not hang out is the last thing he should do to keep them. He knows this, obviously, but he unfortunately also knows himself. And if there is anything to drive him into an impromptu anxiety attack, it’s parties with loud noises in a crowded space, with people expecting him to act a certain way.

So, even though he’s been through this with his therapist - who’d taught him some breathing exercises to try out - Matteo’s still not sure if he wants to expose himself to a party just yet. And with the number of people in their slowly growing friend group, with partners and work friends sometimes tagging along, any of their hangouts usually resulted in a party one way or another. It was mostly when Matteo was alone with Hanna and Jonas, or if it was just the four boys hanging out somewhere, that he actually felt relaxed in the company of other people.

He thinks of a conversation with his therapist where she’d told him about setting boundaries. It’s not like he remembers the details from it - he thinks it was one of their first sessions - but she’d said something about priorities, and not putting other people’s wishes before your own. So yes, his friends wanted him to be there, but if he wasn’t comfortable going, he shouldn’t go. Matteo wishes his brain could easily comply with anything his therapist told him. He wishes his thoughts didn’t have to make any and every decision into something much bigger than it was, giving it too much weight and importance. 

He also wishes he wasn’t a person who wanted to have a reason to not see his friends.

“Yeah, maybe.”

His not-so convincing commitment is still enough to make Jonas smile at him as he walks around the kitchen, with his own coffee mug in one hand and his phone in the other.

“Cool! Hanna’s been complaining about not seeing you in ages, man.” He sets down his now empty cup on the table, and gives Matteo a reassuring pat on the back before he heads out to, Matteo guesses, go to class.

When Thursday comes around, Matteo's body is protesting at his plans to leave bed. There's a slight headache building up and he's slept fewer hours than he'll admit if anyone asks him (though, the only one who does is his therapist, and he tries not to lie to her).

But despite the less-than-ideal state of his body, he forces himself to put on somewhat clean clothes, pack his things and get on the bus to the swimming pools. His therapist might have called it ambitious, or even inspiring, that he makes the effort when he's not feeling so well. Matteo, though, knows this has nothing to do with his anti-depression-workout, and everything to do with David saying he would be there, and Matteo already having said he would as well. 

David is standing at the side of the pool, talking to someone in their early teens, when Matteo sees him from across the swimming area. He doesn’t expect David to notice him, since he’s busy helping someone, but he does , and Matteo almost feels like he’s getting caught when David’s eyes manages to meet his from the other end of the room. The kid he’s talking to has their back to Matteo, and while Matteo is sure David is still listening, he notices his gaze shifting from them over to Matteo as he approaches them. When he’s close enough to make out anything of their conversation, the kid just says “thanks” and walks away, and suddenly, David’s undivided attention is on him.

“Hi.” 

As if his voice wasn’t enough to make Matteo shiver a bit, David adds his small head tilt, and Matteo has to restrain himself not to physically squirm at this. Once again he feels too exposed like this, only in his shorts when David is in his work uniform. At least after the swimming, Matteo can blame his blushing on exertion, but now, there’s nothing for him to pin it on except him being a gay mess. Which, Matteo thinks, is more than David needs to know.

“Hi.” 

No matter how much Matteo wishes they would have anything more to say, he can’t come up with anything, and his urge to hide away in the comfort of the water gets too strong for him to awkwardly keep standing in front of David, who’s still very much fully dressed.

He tries not to think about him as he gets into the water. It’s hard, considering there’s barely anyone else there, and he knows David is supposed to keep an eye on anyone that goes into the pool. He can feel his body refusing to relax, still being tense from having David’s gaze on him during their brief interaction. 

Then, it starts to rain. 

Slowly, and sort of quietly - Matteo doesn’t think he’d notice it if there’d been more people around. But now, the sound reaches him, and as he makes his way to the other side of the lane, he can feel his shoulders lowering a bit. 

On his way back, his face is turned so that he can see through the floor-to-ceiling windows, and the world outside seems to have blurred together, making the water on his skin feel warm and safe in comparison. For a moment, swimming feels like the easiest thing in the world. Matteo can’t remember the last time he felt safe, not really, but he thinks it felt something like this - like he’s underwater and nothing can hurt him. 

Chapter Text

“So, you have nothing better to do on a Friday night?”

David knows she just wants him to find friends at school, but he still dramatically rolls his eyes at her at the question.

“Maybe I want to hang out with you?” David retorts, not looking up at her as he pours some honey into his tea, gently stirring it around with his spoon.

“You should” Laura pretends to agree, tapping at her chin as if she’s been thinking it over. “I am pretty great, after all.”

“Yeah, yeah” David mumbles, and he picks up his cup from the kitchen counter and walks out to the living room, then puts it down before taking his place on the couch. 

Laura follows him, coffee in hand, and puts a blanket over her lap before picking out a movie for them to watch. David doesn’t get how she can drink coffee this late and still be able to sleep, but he knows better than to point this out to her. He knows he’s got more flaws for her to pick on then she does, and he’s also currently avoiding anything that could get her to revisit the subject of things he needs to change in his life - mainly, not having friends.

The thing is, he’s always been better off by himself.

It hasn’t exactly been voluntary; most of the times as a kid he’d felt out of place playing with girls his age, and the boys always intimidated him. Then, as he’d started to figure himself out, people did anything they could not to engage with him - or, on bad days, seek him out for the same reason. Either way, people had been making it clear that he wasn’t a part of whatever they were a part of, that he didn’t belong. 

After he’d changed schools during his last year, people hadn’t really bothered him; everyone was just too busy with their abi and already had their established groups of friends. There wasn’t really time to get to know the new kid when there was just months left of school.

So, now, at uni, David’s not really sure how to go about making new friends, even though he knows he’s supposed to try. He knows he has good qualities, and he’d be a good friend to anyone that would have him. He’s not sure how to be comfortable enough around other people to actually let them into his life, though. So far, no one at uni knew about him being trans, or even pan, despite David being pretty open about the latter part of himself. Or, at least open enough to mention it if anyone would ask.

David almost forgets about his tea, and only gets out of his own head when Laura pauses the movie to get something from the kitchen. When she gets back, the look she gives him is contemplative, as if she’s not sure how to proceed. He wishes she won’t say anything, but as usual, that’s not the case.

“You know I love to hang out with you,” she starts, taking a sip of her coffee in between her words.

“But?”

“I think it’s kinda sad if I’m your only friend.” 

Wow, okay.

“It’s not like I’m all alone, though.”

Laura looks at him, as if to let him continue, but he’s not sure how to. So, he doesn’t.

“I’m just picturing you sitting at different benches around campus reading all day, instead of like… paying attention to things.”

He almost scoffs at this, partly because he hasn’t been that much of a loner since high school, and partly because her voice is tinted with actual worry.

“I’m fine, I promise. I talk to people in every class I have. We just don’t hang out on weekends or whatever.”

That part isn’t even a lie; he actually enjoys talking to the people in his classes, mostly because some of them seem as passionate about the subjects as he is, and it’s nice to have people to share one of his interests with. There’s also a girl in one of his classes who he’s noticed also likes to draw in her spare time, and they’ve had at least one chat about that. He hasn’t showed her - or anyone at school - his own drawings, though.

“Alright.” Laura settles with this, probably mostly because she knows he can get self conscious about his social life, or lack thereof. 

“Anyone would be lucky to hang out with you, though” she adds, as she reaches for the remote, and gives him a smile. “Even though you’re a bit pretentious.”

David just shakes his head at this, content that she’s decided to let this go, at least for now. 

“Just start the movie” he mutters, but he smiles a little as well before reaching for his tea. 

David goes through the following week with some sort of determination - he’s initiating a few more conversations, and he stays behind a bit longer than usual after class to listen to whatever his classmates are talking about, instead of just heading home. He knows this is because of Laura, no matter how much he wants to pretend that her worries don’t affect him. 

Because, if he’s being honest, he too wants him to have more friends, or any friends. He doesn’t really think the three people who bothers to remember his name from one week to the next counts, not yet anyway. Maybe they could, one day, if he tries hard enough to befriend them.

He realises just how tiring it all is when he’s at work, about to start his Thursday shift, trying to seem interested in something one of his colleagues are talking about in the break room. After listening for long enough to not be considered rude, he excuses himself and heads to the reception desk at the entrance, where another colleague of his is ready to leave for the day. She smiles at him but doesn’t really say much before she’s gotten her things and walks towards the staff lockers.

It doesn’t hit him, at first, but when it does, he almost feels giddy. 

It’s Thursday, and for once, he knows he will get to see Matteo. They still haven’t talked properly, just having their slightly awkward interactions here and there during his shifts, but David still finds their conversations endearing. Or, maybe not so much the conversations as the boy he’s having them with. He can’t remember being this excited about anyone before, especially this early into knowing them. Hell, he doesn’t even know Matteo, not really; from the outside, they’re just two people who happen to be at the same place once a week. 

David wants to think there is something more to this, though.

Whenever he allows his brain to think about it, it keeps coming back to the feeling of having Matteo’s eyes on him, and not wanting him to look away just yet. It's unlike anything he’s feeling when any other person coming there to swim will look at him; and, more importantly, no one but Matteo actually looks at him like that.

As the hours go by, he keeps himself busy. It’s a slow shift, just as he’d promised Matteo it would be, but he manages to find different chores to do that the staff collectively tend to just ignore during more busy hours. When it’s barely two hours until closing, he’s organised the lost-and-found box, answered some not-so time sensitive emails, and listened to his least favourite colleague complain before taking his place at the side of the pools.

No matter how much he wants to pretend it’s not, he’s pretty sure his reason for keeping busy has less to do with being a good employee, and more to do with wanting to not think about seeing a certain boy. The same boy who, when the pool officially closes, still hasn’t showed. David thinks that maybe he’s just missed him, but something tells him he wouldn’t be able to not notice Matteo even if he tried. 

He can feel the low energy in his body sink further as he grabs his things before heading home, and his mind feels both restless and exhausted simultaneously. He tries not to think about why Matteo hadn’t showed, knowing it would get him nowhere. And, David reminds himself, Matteo doesn’t owe him anything. Because, if he’s being realistic about this, there aren’t even any words for labelling whatever it is he feels towards Matteo. 

His entire body protests when he forces himself to bike faster than usual to get to his and Laura’s flat. He tries not to think about Matteo, but as soon as he’s home and open his sketchbook to draw before looking for leftovers, he’s faced with his latest unfinished sketch of Matteo’s face. So, instead of forgetting about him, he decides to just say ‘fuck it’, and slowly continues with the details of Matteo’s soft smile.

If anything, he can still have that.

Chapter Text

After have gone swimming a few times, Matteo realises his body actually feels more awake from it. It’s not as if he’s suddenly fine, because he’s really not, but every time he’s walked outside to head home afterwards he’s found himself more… present, in life. Like he actually appreciates the fresh air outside, despite it being a bit chilly still. And when he’s in bed at night, with limbs exhausted from exercise, his body feels heavy and he manages to sink into sleep without any anxious thoughts keeping him up.

It’s not a miracle, but it’s something, and Matteo knows he should keep it up.

Obviously, it doesn’t hurt either that he knows David will be there, whenever he shows up. He’s not sure about David’s schedule, but he’d made it sound like he’d be there every Thursday, and the sense of consistency makes something in Matteo’s brain relax a bit.

It’s another something in his life that helps him, at least a bit, although it has the opposite effect on him than swimming; if swimming makes his body tired and his mind go quiet, his interactions with David makes his body buzz with tension, in a good way, and his brain repeats his name over and over. David, David, David.

Matteo had let Jonas convince him into going to Hanna’s party, and despite it being a bit too loud, it had been great seeing his friends again, and to see their big smiles when he actually showed up. Maybe he’s naive, but Matteo thought that him being able to have a fun night with them, and having his newfound energy from swimming, meant that he was doing a lot better.

When a new week comes around, though, Matteo becomes painfully aware that his life still isn’t great, or rather, that he isn’t great. The first days go by without him really noticing; it’s like a fog has drifted in over him and settled on his brain, trying to shield him from the outside world and the concept of time as a whole. He’s not sad, particularly, he’s just… numb. Like he doesn’t understand that anything actually happens, and he drifts in and out of sleep. 

Before he knows it, Jonas enters his bedroom, asking if he wants some coffee. He thinks it’s Tuesday - or, he doesn’t think anything, but that would be his guess if someone asked him - and he blinks at Jonas in confusion.

“Aren’t you in class?” He almost startles himself with his own voice; it sounds too unfamiliar, too quiet.

At this, Jonas just looks at him, as if not sure what to say.

“Nah, it’s… it’s Thursday, so I have the day off actually.”

Oh. 

He’s just about to answer, but apparently he’s too slow, because Jonas' look suddenly seems worried.

“Come on, you should have breakfast” he says, with a voice Matteo thinks has a forced casualness to it, but he’s too tired to think about it any further.

He has breakfast with Jonas, consisting of toast with cheese and cucumber and sliced tomatoes - Jonas must have gone grocery shopping, he notices, because last time he checked, the fridge had been basically empty. He thinks he should really do it, next time, but something tells him he won’t.

“Thanks” he mumbles, not really sure what for, as he takes a sip of the strong coffee in front of him.

Jonas just waves him off with a smile, as if he hadn’t practically made sure Matteo had his first meal in possibly days; he honestly doesn’t remember what the last thing he ate was, but he vaguely remembers having crisps some nights ago.

“Wanna watch something later?”

Matteo thinks about this for a bit longer than the question probably requires. He sort of wants to go back to bed, and bury himself under his duvet, but he also wants to hang out with Jonas. He surprises himself with choosing the latter.

“Sure.”

They spend almost the entire day like that, on the couch, drinking coffee and watching different more-or-less shitty shows on Netflix that Matteo doesn’t really pay attention to. Mostly, he snuggles into the back of the couch with a blanket over him, laughing at Jonas’ commentary and feeling gratitude humming in his chest when he realises that despite his shitty brain, he still gets to have this.

It’s not until Jonas orders them takeout later that night that Matteo realises he didn’t go swimming, and something stings inside of him at the thought. He’s not sure whether it’s because he failed to keep his new routine going, or that he didn’t get to see David, but it stings nonetheless.

His routines are a bit less malfunctioning the following days. He does his best to remember to eat at least one proper meal a day, even if it’s just grilled sandwiches or some leftovers from the night before. 

During the weekend, he takes a shower, and the feeling of water against his skin once again reminds him of the pool, of going swimming - and of David. He tries to ignore the last part, and tries to ignore the pulsing feeling in his body as he thinks about the other boy’s face, or the feeling of having David’s eyes on him. He tries to shake the feeling altogether as he dries himself off with a towel, but as the days go by, it keeps finding its way back to him.

When over a week has passed since he fell deeper into his depression, Matteo thinks he’s more or less alright again. 

His latest session with his therapist had been well-needed, and she had reminded him about the importance of having a support system. At that, Matteo had talked a bit more than before about Jonas, and she almost seemed surprised at how close they were, and how open Matteo seemed to be with him.

It’s Thursday, again, and Matteo wakes up feeling hungry. He thinks it’s a good sign, although he still hasn’t gone to the grocery store, and he knows he really should. When he enters the kitchen, Jonas is already standing at the counter, and Matteo breathes in the scent of… pancakes?

“You’re cooking?” he asks, not used to ever see Jonas cook voluntarily. He knows Jonas is better than him in most ways, and at most things - but when it comes to food, it’s clear Matteo is the superior one of the two.

“Luigi! Yeah, making pancakes.” He turns around and offers a bright smile, although Matteo can make out the beginning of some tired lines under his eyes.

“Nice.” He sits down at the table, not really sure what to make of the situation, but he’s still happy about it. Jonas can barely cook anything, but his pancakes - Matteo has to admit - are usually pretty great.

The fact that he’s actually making pancakes at all, though, makes Matteo think Jonas is still worried about him. On a regular day, when Matteo is fine, they jokingly argue about having to make food and lazily orders something even though it’d be cheaper to just cook something themselves. Besides, Jonas has never been an ambitious morning person - sure, he’s better than Matteo, but he’s not a ‘making pancakes for breakfast’ kind of guy. Most days, if they’re both up, it’s just toast and coffee.

Jonas really is the mom friend of their friend group, Matteo thinks, and he almost feels guilty for getting to live with him without offering anything in return.

As he’s about to say something in appreciation at his best friend, his phone buzzes from where he’s placed it on the table next to his coffee, and both him and Jonas turns to look at it in confusion. He thinks it’s probably his mom, or maybe one of their friends writing something in their group chat, and he’s not that eager to find out either way.

When he unlocks his phone, though, Matteo sees a text from a number he doesn’t recognise.

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that the swimming pools are closed today due to some problem with the heating system. Hope you’re having a good day. /David

At first, Matteo just stares at the screen, not sure how to react. Then, after the initial confusion has settled, he tries to think about if David’s been told to text every single member this, or if David just texted Matteo anyway. Something makes him think it’s probably the latter, and he can feel himself blush at the thought.

Of course, as Jonas now hands him a plate before setting down the stack of pancakes at the centre of the table, he notices Matteo’s pink cheeks instantly.

“You okay there?” he says, smiling at Matteo curiously before putting the first pancake in his mouth.

“Uh, yeah, ‘course” Matteo almost stutters, before he pockets his phone for now and takes another sip of his coffee, although he knows he really doesn’t need the extra adrenaline at the moment.

It’s late afternoon when Matteo decides to reply to the text, having read it at least ten times by now without being able to say anything back. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to say, or what he wants to say. He’s thought about the situation almost the entire day; about David looking up his number, then deciding to text him, knowing Thursdays are Matteo’s preferred day to go swimming. If anything, the text means he’s noticed him, in a way Matteo hasn’t really been ready to hope for. 

He adds the number in his contacts, before finally typing out a reply.

To: David

Thanks for telling me

He barely has time to put his phone away before a reply comes in.

From: David

No worries, didn’t want to disappoint you

Oh. Matteo’s not sure where this leaves them, but he knows he has to write something back, and not just leave him on read. So, for some reason, he sends back a reply before really having the time to think it through.

To: David

As long as I don’t drown on your watch, we’re good

The next reply takes a bit longer, and Matteo almost thinks David has decided to end their impromptu conversation there, but his phone chimes again and he almost feels jittery as he reads the answer.

From: David

I’ll do my best 🏊

Chapter Text

David is pretty sure he’s overstepped several boundaries, and it almost scares him that he doesn’t even care.

He’s not sure exactly what it was that made him do this. He wants to think it wasn’t out of desperation, but he can’t even make himself believe that at the moment.

After not seeing Matteo for two weeks, he’d almost thought he wouldn’t see him again. And that should have been fine, since they don’t even know each other , but the thought had made him ache in a way he wasn’t sure he’d felt before.

When he comes to work for an unusually early shift, he's met by one of his older colleagues; a woman in her fifties with her hair in a bun. They rarely work together, since she almost only takes early shifts, and he usually works afternoons.

“Oh, you didn’t get the message? The pools are closed today. Something with the heating.” 

David isn't really sure what to say to this, because no, he didn't.

"Ah, okay. Thanks."

She nods at him and disappears as he just stands there, not sure what to do.

The reasonable thing to do would be going back to his bike and head home, but instead, he goes to the computer at the desk. He quickly looks through the membership files until he finds Florenzi, Matteo and adds his number to his own phone, before closing it down again, looking around to be sure he's alone. He is.

As he reaches his bike, he quickly pulls out his phone again on impulse and types out a message. Before he has time to think it through, he's already hit ‘send’. He pauses for a moment, just staring down at the screen. Then, it hits him. The realisation almost sends panic through his chest and he can barely breathe on the way home, biking way faster than necessary. 

As he takes off his jacket at the door of their flat, he grabs his phone again, seeing an unread message waiting for him. Fuck .

The feeling that hits him when he sees it’s not from Matteo is a mixture of relief and disappointment.

Instead of him, it’s a message from a girl from one of his classes, one of the few people he actually talks to a bit outside of class, asking him if he wants to get together to study. He knows he should say yes, not only because he needs friends but just as much because the fact that he knows he won’t get any studying done on his own, occupying his mind with Matteo.

He doesn’t answer straight away, though, just stands with his phone in his hand for a moment while he considers it. Then, before typing anything, he walks into the kitchen and puts on some coffee, and as the sound of the coffee maker fills the apartment, he decides to ask if they can meet up some other time. Today, he thinks, he sort of wants to take advantage of having a day off, and maybe let himself be a bit lazy for once. 

At that thought, he hears the lock turn at the door, followed by the unmistakable sound of Laura’s footsteps coming from the hallway. 

He knows he’s not supposed to be home, but the look of surprise on her face is still a bit comical as she enters the kitchen, her eyes tired and hair a bit messy.

“No work today?” She looks at him, still a bit confused, before she notices the coffee and breaks into a smile, reaching for her favourite cup on the shelf next to the stove.

“Apparently we’re closed.” David shrugs slightly before pouring coffee for himself, then gestures at her to hold out her cup to him.

“Okay.” She nods, and smiles again as she takes a sip of the hot drink.

“Thanks.”

They sit down at the kitchen table, and she starts talking about the really early shift she’s just had, and it almost feels like a slow Sunday morning with them both sitting there, not having to rush away to anything, just talking about things that aren’t really important.

“You’re doing anything else today, then?” she finally asks, and David thinks about the offer from his classmate. It feels good just being at home, though, and he can’t bring himself to feel bad about not going out today.

“Nah, I’ll maybe just go for a walk later” he mumbles. Knowing himself, his body will get restless sooner or later, no matter how much he’d like to be able to do nothing all day for once.

Before Laura can say anything about his lack of social life, which he knows is always a risk whenever she asks about his plans, he adds, “I might study with some friends tomorrow though.”

He knows it’s a bit of a stretch, but whatever.

At this, Laura smiles brighter than he thinks necessary, but he guesses it’s better than making her worry about his lack of friends.

“Look at you” she says, obviously satisfied with this. “ Friends in plural and everything.”

“Shut up” he answers, though he’s not really mad at her comment, just wanting to say something in his defence.

He’s in his room, sketching on his bed with some background music coming from his laptop, when he hears his phone vibrate from somewhere on the bed. He instinctively reaches for the pillows, suddenly remembering putting it there hours ago, and he almost yelps when he sees the text showing up on the screen.

From: Matteo

Thanks for telling me

Maybe he should wait for more than a second, but it’s as if his brain has dropped all sense of self restraint. Instead he quickly types out a reply and sends it, not wanting their conversation to end.

And, somehow, it doesn’t.

They keep texting.

David knows he shouldn’t, since Matteo didn’t give him his number for personal use, but once again, his self restraint has seemingly gone out the window and he’s left with his very desperate feelings of needing to talk to this boy.

He wants to tell himself to stop, or scold himself for being so unprofessional, but every time Matteo replies, he just smiles at his phone with a fondness he knows Laura would raise an eyebrow at and then tease him for if she was in the room.

Somehow, David’s not sure, they’re still texting when the weekend arrives, and David realises he’s a bit too invested in this for his own good. 

So far, their texts have mostly been about simple things; Matteo tells him about some game he’s playing when David asks what he’s up to, David mentions the film he’s watching with Laura, Matteo sends him a meme David thinks he shouldn’t find funny but he does. It’s simple, and easy, and David finds himself laughing at his phone more times than he can remember ever doing before.

He gets wrapped into this, the somewhat weird interaction of theirs, and doesn’t pay that much attention to the days going by, and it’s suddenly Wednesday when he realises that they've texted for almost a week. 

So far, Matteo hadn’t told him that much about himself; which, David thinks, might be for the best, because then he didn’t have to tell Matteo about his own things. They could just have this silliness for a little while, where David could still keep his distance. He knows roughly where he lives though, since he’d mentioned he lives close to a park where David goes to draw sometimes, or just whenever he needs to be alone.

And, for some reason, when one of his classmates tells him their afternoon class is cancelled, David’s first thought is to go to see Matteo.

Usually, he wants to think he has some sort of self control, that stops him from making rash decisions or leave him in bad situations. When it comes to Matteo though, he realises, it doesn’t seem to kick in until it’s a bit too late.

David finds himself standing at the door of what must be Matteo’s flat - there’s two different names on the sign, one of which being M. Florenzi, and he tries not to think about the other one. As he tries to force himself to do something, either ringing the doorbell or just turn back and run, he hasn’t decided yet, the door in front of him opens, and he’s met by someone who is very much not Matteo.

This guy has curly hair, darker than Matteo’s but not as dark as David’s own, and a startled look on his face that slowly turns into a polite, and clearly confused, smile.

Fuck. Matteo has a boyfriend?

“You looking for someone?”

He doesn’t sound mad, at least, which David takes as a good sign. He sounds nice, actually, as if he’s not weirded out by this stranger showing up at his doorstep just seemingly waiting for someone to notice him. Fuck, he really shouldn’t have come here.

“Uh, yeah, I was-” 

His stuttering gets cut off by another voice, a familiar voice, from somewhere inside of the flat.

“Jonas, have you seen my-”

Suddenly, Matteo is right behind the curly haired guy - Jonas, David assumes - wearing nothing but a towel sitting low on his hips. Oh.

It’s not like David hasn’t seen Matteo shirtless before, obviously, but seeing him now is something else entirely. His hair is tousled, and his face almost looks sleepy although he’s just come out from the shower. The sort of dim light in the hallway creates shadows over his torso in a way the bright lights of the swimming pools never do, and it’s-

David has to force himself not to stare.

“David?”

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

“Uh, hi.” He can barely even look at him, even less make eye contact, but he still manages to see the confusion on Matteo’s face.

“You’re here to see Matteo?” Jonas asks, with something almost smug tinting his smile, though his confusion is still very much present.

“Yeah” David nods, as if they had planned this and he’s not just some random person with no inhibitions around cute boys.

“Alright” Jonas continues, before looking over at Matteo and giving him a look David can’t decipher. Then, he heads out, and before David knows it, he’s alone with Matteo - who, David’s very aware, still isn’t wearing a shirt.

“Uh,” Matteo starts, and shifts uncomfortably on his feet, before looking over at David again. “You wanna come in?”

“Yeah, sure” David nods, again, and he tries to glue his gaze to the floor as he follows Matteo into the apartment, not wanting to be caught staring at the outlines of his back.

Chapter Text

Matteo’s not sure why, but every time he texts David, David texts him back.

It’s been almost a week of texting back and forth, and two weeks since he last saw him. So far, their texts were mostly silly thoughts about their days and some memes (which, Matteo knows, he’s mostly responsible for.). 

It’s Wednesday, and other than occasionally disturbing Jonas when he’s tried to study in the kitchen, Matteo has done nothing except smile dumbly at his screen for the last days, surprised every time David decides to reply to him.

It’s Wednesday and Jonas is actually going out to study today, and Matteo knows he should do something, so he manages to convince himself to take a shower. He’s technically going to shower the following day before swimming, but he can’t trust himself to feel good enough by then to actually go, and his therapist keeps reminding him to follow his better impulses when he feels like it. So, he showers, and it wakes him up a bit more than the coffee had done earlier in the day. 

When he gets back to his room, with a towel on his hips, he can’t find his favourite hoodie; his best piece of clothing to hide in after a shower, with it being softer against his skin then the knitted sweaters he owns. He hears Jonas mumbling something from the hallway, and it’s not until he’s already called out his name that Matteo realises Jonas is talking to someone.

As he reaches the hallway, he’s met with the sight of not only Jonas, but more importantly - David. They both look at him, waiting for him to speak, but it’s as if his brain has permanently shut down, leaving him without so much as a thought process to work with.

“David?” 

He knows there are probably so many better things he can say, but to be fair, he’s not the one who asked for this to happen. Which- what is happening, exactly?

David shifts a little, as if getting ready to escape, and he barely looks Matteo in the eye.

“Uh, hi.”

Whatever is happening, Matteo realises it’s cute , and he’s suddenly overwhelmingly aware of his own state of undressed. And it’s too much, if he’s being honest, and his brain still hasn’t returned to him so that he can say anything more than David’s name.

When it becomes clear that neither of them are going to say anything, Jonas steps in, but Matteo can’t take in what he says before he’s gone out the door, and David stands there looking unsure of what to do.

“Uh,” Matteo starts, because he has to say something , right? If anything, he should try to figure out why David’s here, and he doesn’t seem like he’s going to offer any information unpromptedly. “You wanna come in?”

They’re in his apartment.

He tries to remember the last time anyone came over to see him, specifically, but nothing comes up.

“I’m just gonna get dressed, just.. stay here.” He rushes towards his room, leaving a somewhat confused-looking David at the entrance to the kitchen. 

As he reaches his bed, he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes for a second and just shuts everything out for a second. 

Fuck.  

After this little pause, he quickly gets into some clean underwear, reaches for one of his sweaters - he doesn’t have time to try to find his hoodie - and the first pair of jeans he can spot in the room.

When he gets back, David looks a bit less confused, but there’s… something, still, that makes Matteo unsure of what he’s supposed to say.

“Hi.” 

It seems good enough, ‘cause suddenly, David’s eyes actually meet his, and his lips turns into a sort of shy smile. Matteo still can’t make out just what this means.

“I, uhm… my class was cancelled, so I went to see you.” 

Suddenly, it’s like there’s not enough air in the entire world for Matteo to breathe, and the words sound so absurd that Matteo’s attempt at breathing almost comes out as a laugh.

“Oh, okay.” 

He nods at David, because he doesn’t know what else to do, and he feels his face almost hurt from how wide he’s suddenly smiling. David seems to notice - to be honest, Matteo has never been subtle - because now, he’s grinning too, and it’s the prettiest smile Matteo’s ever seen.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He’s not sure where they should go, but he knows his bedroom is too messy to invite anyone - especially David - there, and the implication of having a cute boy there makes him shiver just at the thought.

They end up in kitchen, and somehow, it’s easy.

He learns that David studies film at university, and works a couple of days a week at the swimming facility, but the days vary. He basically always works Thursdays, though, which he says with an almost suggestive smile that he somehow manages to hide under the casualness of the statement. 

He also learns, simply by studying his small gestures and listening to his every word, that David is careful with himself, in a way his other friends aren’t. Not in a way that makes him quiet or insecure, but rather in a way that makes his thoughts sound well-formulated and his questions interesting. It’s like David knows what to say, and how to say it, and Matteo thinks he should be self-conscious because of this, but he isn't. David just makes it easier for him to talk, somehow, as if he knows when to let him think for a bit and when to drag him out of his thoughts. 

It’s simple, and calming, and Matteo can’t remember ever having felt that way around a new person, or barely any person. And, somehow, Matteo almost forgets about being unemployed and depressed and barely graduating, until David casually asks him what he does.

“I, uh.. I don’t really do anything.” He’s too ashamed to meet his eyes, feels too bad about being the complete mess he actually is, until David’s gaze on him forces him to look up.

“That’s not really true, though” David says with a shrug, as if pretending Matteo had just said something completely different.

Matteo just looks at him, too confused to focus on the mix of shame and guilt slowly spreading through his chest.

“You go swimming like every week.” 

He shrugs, again, but this time it’s followed by a smile, and David tilts his head in his direction. 

“Maybe you’re working yourself up to be an athlete or something.”

They both know his statement is ridiculous, and Matteo is just about to argue with him when they both snort and laugh heavily at the absurdity.

“Yeah, that’s a no.” Matteo states, his body still shaking quietly from laughter.

“Mm. Undercover as an athlete, then.”

Matteo almost snorts again.

“What kind of athlete only works out once a week?”

“I don’t know, you could be there when I’m not working.”

“I’m not.” 

It comes out too soft, too quiet, and Matteo feels a change in the room as he looks over at David to see his reaction. He’s still smiling, but there’s definitely something else there, as well. Something Matteo isn’t really ready for yet.

Thankfully, David decides to change the subject.

“Do you have any food? I’m kind of hungry.”

Matteo hasn’t realised they’ve literally spent hours across from each other at the kitchen table, and when he looks at the screen on his phone, he also realises just how long ago he ate breakfast. He thinks he had some plan to eat something after his shower, but, well. Here they are.

“Honestly? I think the fridge is almost empty.” He’s not sure why he confesses this, before even making his way to check, but there’s something about David that makes it hard to lie. Or, rather, that makes him not want to lie.

“Hmm.” David looks at him, considers him, and although Matteo is fully dressed, the feeling of being bare in front of him returns.

“Maybe we could do some grocery shopping? If you don’t mind.”

There’s something so careful in his words, so innocent, that Matteo wants to say yes before his mind has even had time process the question. When his brain catches up, he can do nothing but smile in David’s direction, suddenly overwhelmed by the situation in the best possible way. 

“Yeah, sure, let’s go.” 

Chapter Text

“Found it!”

They’re at a grocery store, and Matteo’s walking towards him, triumphantly waiving a packet of toothpaste, when David realises he really wants to kiss him.

It’s not a surprise, in any way, but the certainty of it hits him so suddenly that he almost takes a step back when Matteo’s at his feet, dropping the toothpaste with their other things. Somehow, it almost feels inevitable , and it both scares and excites him at the same time. 

“Good.” 

He nods at Matteo, then looks down at the random collection of items they’ve taken from the shelves. Usually, when he’s shopping for him and Laura, he has some sort of plan. If not a physical list, then at least a mental one, with things they’re running low on. 

Now, though, with Matteo, their errand had soon turned into something resembling chaos. It had started with Matteo grabbing something without really looking, as if he wasn’t paying attention and just reached out and took the first thing his hand stumbled over. When David had pointed this out, Matteo had tried to argue that he always gets ‘ this specific off-brand single serving packet of mustard’ , and David could only snort and shake his head at that. 

Then, as they went along, Matteo would keep grabbing weird things, more or less seeking them out now, and holding it up for David to consider before adding it to the pile. In the middle of all this, Matteo had remembered he actually needed toothpaste, and had run off to where they’d passed it a few minutes ago.

“This?” Matteo holds up a packet of honey-roasted peanuts, which David thinks he would actually like, so he just smile as he nods at him again.

“Sure.”

Matteo smiles back at him, then scanning the shelves as they go as if this search needs all his undivided attention. Then David hears an ‘ah!’ and before he knows it, Matteo comes back to him with… something, David’s not sure, that’s pickled in a jar.

He’s not one to back down from a challenge, though.

“Yes, definitely.”

This earns him a pleased grin, that almost seems too endearing for the situation, and David barely manages to not duck his head down to avoid Matteo’s gaze.

When they reach the crisps, Matteo doesn’t go for the more questionable flavours, which David had assumed he would, but instead carefully checks the isle until he finds whatever he’s looking for and grabs two packets of them.

“What’s weird about those?” David questions, tilting his head a bit as Matteo seems to make his way to the registers.

“Nothing, I just like them” Matteo mumbles, and adds a smile after shrugging a bit. 

David wishes he wouldn’t find that just as cute as he does.

“That’s not how the game works.”

Matteo looks unsure for a split second, but then he just grins. And fuck, David’s not prepared for that.

“We’re playing a game?” he smiles, then shakes his head overdramatically.

“Here I thought you just shared my perfect taste in food.” 

He almost pouts with this, while he slowly starts to place the items at the register.

It’s dumb, but David finds himself speechless, in a way he’s never been before.

“Shut up.”

Matteo just grins at him again, before paying and heading towards the exits with two bags of questionable food.

They end up in the kitchen at Matteo’s place again, and David almost forgets it’s the first time they’re hanging out. The thing is, being with Matteo is easy. As soon as they’ve unpacked the food - David still can’t really believe they bought half of the stuff - David remembers he’s hungry, and as if Matteo can read his thoughts, he grabs one of the bags of crisps and hands it to him.

“Thanks.”

“Just trying to keep you from starving” Matteo says, in an almost deadpan voice, making David smile down at the bag of crisps before answering.

“How kind.” 

They keep passing the crisps back and forth, before Matteo gets up from the table and starts putting out things from the fridge, still seemingly paying attention to what David’s saying. David isn’t, though, as his curiosity takes over and he interrupts himself by asking Matteo what’s up.

Matteo turns around to look at him, shrugging like it was obvious.

“I’m making toasties.”

“Yeah?”

“I told you, don’t want you to starve. And now,” Matteo pauses, reaching out for the packet next to him on the counter, “we actually have bread.”

At this, David just shakes his head, partly to hide his smile, and despite Matteo being silly, something about his words brings a sadness to the statement. Matteo’s a person who almost seems surprised by having any bread at home.

Also, David notices that Matteo’s voice has… something to it, even though he’s obviously trying to play it off as just joking around. He thinks about their first texts, from barely a week ago, and how Matteo made him promise not to let him drown. 

And maybe it’s just David’s brain being faulty around Matteo, or the lack of food finally getting to him, but he thinks Matteo making him toasties means something, and he can’t focus when he hears Matteo’s voice being directed at him again.

“Sorry, what?”

“You like oregano?”

David just stares at him for a second, trying to make sense of the question, and Matteo just smiles fondly at him as he’s struggling. 

“Yes?”

Matteo smiles again, and reaches for the different herbs and spices at a shelve above the stove. “Good.”

Somehow, the toasties are amazing, and David’s almost sure his hunger has gotten the best of him when he tells Matteo such. In return, Matteo more or less blushes, before he seems to decide to head in another direction.

“My cooking skills are perfect, you know” he states, and the statement would sound cocky if it weren’t for the blush still being noticeable on his cheeks.

“Mmhm.” David nods, enjoying another bite.

They’re interrupted by Matteo’s phone buzzing from it’s place on the counter, and Matteo frowns before standing up and grabbing it. David just studies him as he unlocks the phone, and tries to read just what kind of smile Matteo’s directing at the screen before he returns to his place across from David.

“It’s just Jonas” he mumbles, as if it explains everything - or anything - and David’s mind jumps back to their names at the door. 

He knows he should say something casual and non commital to this, that doesn’t sound like he needs to know what his and Jonas’ deal is, but instead, his heart leaps forward before his brain catches up.

“Ah, okay, are you… together?”

The look on Matteo’s face almost says too many things at once for David to be able to catch any of them, but if anything, his surprise at this tells David that No, no they are not.

“Uh, no, he’s-” Matteo almost stutters, suddenly overwhelmingly less confident, and if it weren’t for the topic of this conversation, David would find it cute.

“Jonas is my best friend.” He says it like an indisputable fact, constant and scientific, and there’s a finality to it telling him Matteo has no interest in changing that status into anything else.

“Ah, okay” David mumbles, because he’s not sure what to say, and there’s something about the way Matteo’s now looking at him, sort of contemplative, that reminds David that he really wants to kiss him.

And maybe he could, because they’re in Matteo’s otherwise empty apartment, and if anything went wrong David could just run off and go home and pretend it didn’t happen, and the fact that Matteo hadn’t said anything along the lines of not liking boys gives him some kind of hope that Matteo’s not straight.

But - because there’s always a but, in the end - David can’t have this, whatever it is. There are so many things he needs to fix, first, before letting anyone close like that. He’s still not sure what Matteo sees when he looks at him, but no matter what that is, it’s far from enough to offer anyone. David thinks it’s not even like giving someone something broken; it’s more like giving something that isn’t even finished to begin with.

And despite knowing so little about Matteo, David knows he needs to give Matteo something more than an unfinished draft of himself. And that, David knows, is more than he can offer anyone right now.

“I should probably head home soon.”

When he looks over at Matteo, who’s face seems closer than just a minute ago, he swears the blue eyes have a tint of sadness to them, and David wishes he could do anything to wash it away, to promise something, anything. But-

“It was cool" Matteo mumbles, and his voice is almost too quiet for David to hear. 

“With you, I mean. That you came.”

It takes everything for David not to place his hands over Matteo’s where they fidget with something on the table, to soothe the nervousness that seems to have found its way into Matteo’s system.

Instead, David offers a warm smile, thinking he owes him that, at least, and looks down at his own hands before answering.

“Yeah, it’s nice.”

As he makes his way home, he tries to focus on the fact that they will see each other tomorrow - Matteo had said he’d go this time - and the sight of the other boys’ blushing cheeks as they’d said goodbye. 

Chapter Text

Matteo just stands in the hallway for a moment, blinking at the closed door in confusion. Then, when the realisation that David was here hits him, he more or less rushes to his room and throws himself on the bed. The mattress bounces slightly beneath him when his body lands on the duvet, and he squirms a bit before hiding his face in his pillows. 

He almost wants to shriek at the feelings building up inside.

Being with David was something new. On their grocery store run, Matteo had been able to just relax a bit around the other boy, let himself be goofy, not that different from how he sometimes could get with Jonas. This was something else, though, and it was stronger than the crush he’d had on his best friend a few years ago.

He closes his eyes harder and the images of the past hours floods behind his eyelids like light seeping in through closed curtains, they rush through him and all his brain can come up with is: more. He wants everything, suddenly, and he suspects that seeing David in passing once a week won’t cut it anymore. 

Matteo also suspects there’s no cool or casual way to go about changing this.

He hears Jonas at door, then, and a certain moment flashes through him like lightning striking down in his chest.

Are you...together?

Despite different girls (and those had been very few) asking him if he’s single, no one had really asked him if he was in a relationship before, at least not like that - like the answer actually mattered to them.

And, more importantly, no one had ever insinuated or asked about him being gay.

Which, Matteo thinks, is an entire thing in itself he sort of needs to work through. He’s okay with liking boys, although he hasn’t actually had the chance to do anything with a boy yet, and he likes to think he’d be okay with telling people. Every time he thinks about it, he feels bad for not telling Jonas yet; they’re supposed to tell each other everything, and Matteo just… hasn’t. So, he often tries just not to think about it. 

So far, his strategy had been to avoid the subject until he actually met someone; that way, it felt more like he wasn’t hiding from coming out, but as if it just hadn’t been that relevant until then.

Now, though, he realises it might be relevant. Especially as his heart had sped up the second he’d seen David at their doorstep, looking at him like he wanted something.

Somewhere between his thoughts of coming out, and reliving the past afternoon with what he knows has to be the prettiest boy he’s ever seen, Matteo drifts off to sleep.

He wakes up the next morning, having slept for almost ten hours, and he stumbles out to the kitchen in search for something to eat. He’s not awake enough to think when he opens the fridge, and the sight of almost fully stacked shelves makes him frown in confusion. Then, yesterday comes back to him with full force, and he almost stumbles backwards.

Right. David.

He feels like he could cry from relief over not having to go grocery shopping anymore, at least not for a while, and the fact that David had gone with him. With David, grocery shopping hadn’t been the anxiety-inducing errand it usually is, with too much people whenever he went and him not being able to just pick out whatever he needed without his brain either overthinking or refusing to think at all.

It had just been… nice.

He picks out a few things from the fridge he’s not used to seeing there, and makes a pretty good breakfast out of the slightly weird combination of foods. He makes coffee but barely drinks it until he’s done eating, as if he’s forgotten it until then, and just brings his cup to his room where he has his meds. There’s a glass of water still standing at his desk and it tastes a bit gross when he swallows, but he’s kind of used to it by now. 

He thinks about swimming, and his body almost feels electric.

No matter what feelings he has about the day before, and towards David, he’s not sure what their hang out had actually been. They hadn’t really done anything, just smiling and teasing, being dumb and silly and talked about their interests - or, David’s interest, considering he was actually passionate about things in a way Matteo wasn’t. A part of Matteo’s brain tells him that whatever they’d been doing, it had been a friend thing, just passing time.

Another, stronger part of him, though, almost screams that it wasn’t.

That part picks out every single moment of the two of them locking eyes for a bit too long, David’s shyness at the door, their teasing that had been bordering on flirting, and holds it up as if it was evidence from a crime scene. Matteo examines the images as if trying to figure them out, as if studying what he remembers of David’s mannerisms can give him a clue to what’s going on.

In the end, all he can do is return to the swimming pool and see him again.

He swims for almost an hour; his body can’t seem to get enough of tiring itself out, and it’s unlike anything he’s ever experienced before. The movements are heavy, and exhausting, but it feels good. Like he needs to move his body until it collapses. The water forces his skin to feel something other than a restless itch, and his mind occupies itself with counting the laps he’s making back and forth, back and forth through the swimming pool.

As he lifts himself up on the ladder and heaves his body out of the water, Matteo vaguely notices someone coming closer from the corner of his eye. He doesn’t have time to think about it until David is just a few feet away from him, waiving a little in greeting. 

Suddenly, Matteo really wishes he was wearing something a bit less… exposing than just his swimming shorts. He almost scolds himself to just give David a small smile, but he can feel his body shiver, and he’s not sure if it’s just from suddenly being out of the water or because David’s gaze sits heavily on him, seemingly moving over his bare chest.

They don’t say anything, and Matteo needs to stop whatever’s happening.

“Hi.”

David’s eyes snap up to his as if he’s forgotten Matteo is right there, almost seeming surprised at the sound of his voice.

“Hi! You had a good swim?”

He’s not sure why, but the phrase sounds so practiced, so unlike the warmth in his dark eyes, that Matteo almost laughs as he looks down at his feet.

“Yeah, it’s good.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah.”

There’s an abundance of things he wants to say. 

I’m not doing well but whenever you’re around I can’t stop smiling and it’s weird but it’s good. 

Being with you felt so simple and I want to feel like that again.

Please let me see you again. Please, please, please.

Matteo doesn’t say any of this, though. Instead, he carefully lifts his gaze back up to David’s face, making sure not to stop as it passes his body (which, Matteo thinks, still looks so good) and now he’s certain the energy buzzing through him is solely because of the boy in front of him. As much as he tries not to, his self restraint only goes so far, and Matteo ends up tracing the lines of David’s jawline as he thinks of something to say that doesn’t sound dumb or clingy or pathetic.

The sight does nothing to help him with that, though.

David obviously notices what he’s doing, and Matteo almost expects him to call him out on it or at least make an excuse to leave, but instead, David just raises an eyebrow, tilting his head just a bit as if to ask something.

It’s all too much for him to deal with.

Once again, Matteo gets painfully aware of his body, and he knows he has to leave before his attraction makes itself known and makes it impossible for him to ever come back there without an overflowing sense of embarrassment.

“I, uh, have to go” he mumbles, as if he’s busy and just realised he’s going to be late for an appointment or something. Which is as far from the truth as he could probably get.

David studies him, and Matteo almost feels like he can detect the lie sitting between them, but he just smiles politely and nods a little.

“Of course, I’ll let you go.”

There’s something small in his voice, something Matteo can’t put his finger on, but it feels wrong.

“Why, how nice of you.” His voice is teasing, almost mocking, and David grins, a hint of relief trickling through the sound of the slight laugh escaping him.

“I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah, see you.”

He thinks his voice barely carries the last syllables before he turns his back to David and rushes away to the changing room, a bit faster than he probably should considering the slippery tiles and his slightly clumsy self. He gets there without falling over, though, and closes his eyes the entire time he stands in the empty showers, washing the chlorine off his body.

At almost 1 am, when he’s in his bed, he finds himself scrolling through the notes on his phone, looking for something he’d written down after one of his appointments with his therapist to not forget what she’d said. As he finds the one he’s looking for, he reads it over a few times, feeling something tugging at his mind. 

They had been talking about comfort zones, and patterns, and closing oneself off out of fear to do anything outside of what feels safe. About living life out of habit and not changing things, because changing was hard, is hard, and just continuing is easier. But despite how much changes scared him, Matteo knew he’d get nowhere if everything just stayed the same, if everything he did was always doing whatever’s easiest.

He lets the thought sit with him for a while, and as he breathes out, he opens his conversation with David on his phone and starts typing.

To: David 

Do you want to hang out sometime?

He almost deletes it, but then he thinks about the grocery store, their dumb jokes in his and Jonas’ kitchen, the bright smile on David’s face when he’d seen him at the pools. And in the end, his desperate want to see that smile directed at him again, for more than just a few seconds, wins over the doubts trying to fill up his mind.

His dark room lights up a little when the reply comes in just a few seconds later, the sound of the vibration almost unnoticeable against the soft duvet.

From: David

Yeah, I’d really like that 

It takes over an hour for his mind to get quiet enough to let him sleep, but when it does, all he can see behind his closed eyelids is David’s heavy gaze on him again.

Chapter Text

It’s close to 2 am, and David thinks Matteo just asked him out.

He’s not sure, because he never is about anything regarding people’s intentions, but there’s a feeling in his stomach telling him that this, this thing with Matteo, means something. And somehow, despite David not getting why Matteo would like him, it sort of makes sense; the soft smiles, the blushing cheeks, the stuttering voice. He’d thought that was just Matteo’s mannerisms, but maybe he can pin it on nervousness.

He thinks that Matteo is braver, bolder than he seems, and it scares him in a way he can’t articulate even to himself. This boy with slumped shoulders, with a voice that doesn’t always seems to carry his words, still keeps reaching out to him; he keeps making an effort . The thought makes David's skin hot under the covers, and his heart almost feels giddy despite of his uncertainty.

Because, despite of his fears and inability to let people get close to him, David wants. He wants Matteo with such force, all of a sudden, that he can barely remember ever not having these feelings coursing through his body, forcefully and without hindrance. He closes his eyes and for just a second, he lets himself imagine Matteo, lets his brain sketch the lines of his long torso, his skinny, bare legs, his blushed cheeks and the eyes with a colour David still can’t name. His body tenses up and shivers, and it feels like he should be embarrassed, but he’s too tired to care. 

He really wants Matteo to have asked him out, and he falls asleep before his brain can provide him with arguments to debate whether or not Matteo meant to ask him out on a date.

The following day, after having slept for barely six hours, David feels different. He can’t put a name on the feeling, can’t categorise it properly, but he suspects it’s because of Matteo. Laura’s already at the table when he reaches the kitchen, sipping coffee and looking at her phone, frowning at something on her screen before noticing him. She smiles at him, and instead of just feeling glad to see her, he feels bare. Like she can see the inside of his mind as if it was on display, as if there’s nothing between him and the world outside of him.

“I think there’s some coffee left.” 

She sounds less grumpy than usual, so he assumes she’s been up for a while; if she’s just woken up, she’s way less pleasant to deal with.

“Alright, thanks.”

He shouldn’t be this tired after sleeping just slightly less than he’s used to, but it feels like the tiredness stems from somewhere else than a lack of sleep, like he’s tired of hiding away or treading lightly not to expose himself.

So, when he sits down across from Laura, taking his first sip from the coffee, he doesn’t bother to change his face into something untroubled or causal.

“Are you okay?”

When he looks up, her dark eyes - David’s always found comfort in that they’re the same colour as his own - look gently at him, not yet worried but looking like they’re about to be.

“I think I like someone.”

He’s not sure why he says it, or why he phrases it so bluntly, but at least it lets him take a deep breath as his words no longer takes up space in his throat.

Judging by the surprised smile on her face, this wasn’t what Laura had expected.

“Really?”

He nods, not really knowing how much he should say, or even what he can say, considering he and Matteo don’t really know each other.

“Mm.”

As soon as she realises he’s not going to tell her about something horrible, like someone mistreating him at school or something going wrong at work, she reaches out and pats him a bit teasingly and a bit harshly on his arm, smiling wider than before.

“Is it that girl from your class? The one with the drawings? God, you’d be the most pretentious couple out there.” 

She rolls her eyes at the thought before David gets the chance to correct her, and he somehow finds it sweet she’s already sick of his hypothetical girlfriend.

“No, it’s... it’s not anyone from school.”

This apparently piques her interest, as she leans closer over the table, leaning her weight on both of her elbows and holding her cup in a firm grip.

“Oh, I’m supposed to guess, am I?”

The thought of how impossible it would be for her to get it right amuses him for a second, but he’s not feeling up for it, so he decides to just tell her.

“It’s sort of someone from work.”

He knows he’s being vague, and he’s ready for her to call him out on it, but to be honest, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say. He’s definitely not going to tell her about their… whatever at Matteo’s place. He’s embarrassed enough about Matteo’s not-boyfriend Jonas knowing about it; he doesn’t need Laura to find out as well.

Apparently, she’s decided she’s done coaxing anything out of him, and just lets him take his time as she focuses back on her coffee.

“It’s just a guy that happens to come in during my shifts a lot.” 

He’s barely mumbling, but it’s obvious Laura’s heard every word as she gives him a smug grin.

“I can’t believe you’re dating a customer.”

David almost spits out his own coffee at this.

“We are definitely not dating. We’re not... anything. He’s just cute.”

“Mmhm.”

They both stubbornly keep quiet at this, looking at each other knowingly. David’s not going to use his energy on arguing with her about whatever he and Matteo are up to, not when he wants her to be right.

And, to be fair, maybe they are dating. Or are about to date, anyway, if he’s reading Matteo correctly.

“Well,” Laura starts, stopping his thoughts from wandering closer to the cluster of feelings and intentions and want.

“Are you doing something about it?”

“Not sure yet.” He pauses, before adding, “I want to.”

Laura’s smiling at him when he looks up at her again, and it’s somehow clear that the conversation is done for now, with him heading to class and Laura going to work later.

He’s in class and he wants to text Matteo.

Or, rather, he wants Matteo to text him, but something tells him that he won’t.

Once again, David’s aware that they don’t really know each other, and anything he thinks about Matteo are just assumptions, at best. Still, the fact that Matteo had courage enough to text him last night - or this morning, technically - makes David feel like it’s his turn to be courageous, even though he probably shouldn’t be counting.

He waits until their professor announces a 10 minute break, and pulls up his phone from his pocket.

To: Matteo

Do you want to meet up tomorrow?

Even though waiting for an answer will keep him unfocused and restless for the rest of class, probably stopping him from paying attention, David hits ‘send’ and puts his phone in his backpack in a pathetic attempt to distance himself from it.

When he picks it up two hours later, there’s a reply waiting for him, and he almost fumbles as he quickly unlocks his phone.

From: Matteo

Yeah sounds good, where?

He reads it, once, twice, before he pockets his phone again and heads back home.

The thing is, no matter what he is feeling - or, rather, because of it - he can’t invite Matteo over to his and Laura’s place. It’s too much, too soon; there are too many things around their apartment that could open up for questions about his past - his parents - and David knows everything would feel too real with Matteo right there, in his home. There, possibly in front of Laura, he wouldn’t be able to pretend that this thing - there’s still no name for it - can work out without David having to risk anything, give anything away.

He just wants to see Matteo, just want to let himself be silly around him for a few hours. David figures that right now, that is all that has to matter; everything else can wait.

To: Matteo

Let’s meet at the park close to your place, yeah?

This time, the response is instant.

From: Matteo

Cool, I’ll be there

Chapter Text

When Matteo reaches the park that's just a few-minute walk from their flat, David is already there, despite Matteo being a bit early. He’d decided as soon as he got David’s text that he wasn’t going to be late, and the nervous energy that’s been sitting with him since then had basically forced him to leave the apartment fifteen minutes earlier than necessary.

Considering David still beat him to it, though, maybe Matteo’s not the only one being nervous. Something tells him David is the type of person who doesn’t just guess how long it’s going to take him to get somewhere, and besides, he was the one who picked this place. Matteo wonders for a moment if he’d picked it out of convenience for him instead of himself, and no matter if that’s true or not, Matteo can’t help but smile a little at the thought.

David's looking down at his hands, seemingly fidgeting a bit, and Matteo studies him before he gets close enough for him to notice. He knows he's seen David in regular clothes before, when they last hung out, but this time he can't help but think David's made more of an effort. Not that David isn't always stunning - Matteo's already admired him in his work uniform - but now, he almost looks like he's a bit dressed up even though it's probably just his regular clothes. He has his jacket unzipped in the sun, with a dark sweater underneath, and it gives his skin a warm tone in contrast. 

As soon as he sees Matteo, he raises an eyebrow at him, and his face turns into a smile before he can scold it into anything more casual.

Matteo realises, then, how much he wants this to be a date.

He doesn't know the rules for this, doesn't know what he's allowed to do and what's off limits. He usually just assumes everything is; that he can't have what he wants, and settles for whatever he can get.

To be fair, he doesn't even know if David likes boys. Something tells him he probably does, because he still has a feeling a straight person wouldn't assume Jonas was his boyfriend, but he can't know.

"Hi."

David's voice sounds bright, and Matteo can't help himself. He can feel the blush already making its way over his cheeks.

"Hi."

Matteo’s wearing one of his lighter jackets, a brown one with patterned sleeves, and he keeps subconsciously fidgeting with the zipper out of habit. He keeps his gaze on David, though, not wanting to look away just yet.

“You wanna walk for a bit?”

Usually, Matteo wouldn’t, considering his body is always tired and he doesn’t know where to go, and the few times he actually likes being on walks it’s most likely dark out with few people around and music in his ears.

But it’s almost spring in Berlin, meaning it’s already spring in most other places, because here, it takes its time, and he hasn’t been to this park for a while, and David is standing right there, looking too good and smiling softly at him.

“Yeah, of course.”

At first, they mostly walk in silence; only disrupting it with questions like what they’ve been up to - not much - and some small talk that doesn’t feel as weird as with everyone else. After walking around for a while, though, their conversation turns into something silly and playful and, to be honest, pretty dumb, and Matteo feels like his smile is even wider now than whenever David replies to his stupid memes. Now, he gets to hear David’s laughter and see his body vibrating slightly from it, and when he feels brave enough to kick at the back of his heel and David turns around and just grins at him, something inside of him just clicks.

They’ve found a patch on the ground where the sun hits almost perfectly, where not too many people walk by, and David rummages through his backpack a bit before offering a bag of soft cherry candies to him, like this is something they do every day, an intricate routine. They chew in silence, and Matteo feels like a kid, in a way he can’t remember feeling after everything with his parents and leaving home as a teenager. 

He really doesn’t want to think about his parents, though. Instead, he turns to David, ready to ask him the first thing that comes to mind.

“Why did you pick this place?”

David doesn’t seem like he was expecting the question, or any question, as he continues to chew for a bit. Then, he shrugs, closing his eyes for a second as the sun hits his eyelids. He’s golden , Matteo’s mind supplies. 

“It’s just nice. I go here sometimes when I need to… get away for a bit.” 

His voice sounds cautious, like he’s not sure how to phrase it, and Matteo knows not to pry.

The statement sparks another kind of curiosity, though; one that he thinks is a bit more safe to bring up.

“Do you live close to here?”

He probably sounds too invested in the answer that’s about to come, despite trying his best to come off as casual, but at this point, he almost doesn’t care. After all, David had somehow managed to figure out where he lived, without asking, and just dropped by. Maybe he won’t mind that Matteo wants to know.

“Uh, yeah, sort of,” he starts, not sounding very committed to continue. Then, he gestures at the opposite direction from where Matteo lives, and nods a little.

“It’s, uh, just a small flat I share with my sister.” 

At this, Matteo nods, not really sure how to make the conversation continue from there. David’s place is, if Matteo interpreted his pointing correctly, in a more rundown area, close to the train tracks. 

David offers him the candy again, and as Matteo takes another one, the smile from before comes back onto David’s face, and it’s so full of warmth Matteo almost forgets it’s barely spring in Berlin. He’s not sure how or when it happened, but they’re sitting close together, their sides almost touching.

“We should probably eat something more than just this.” 

David’s voice is mostly a mumble, and his breath is a mixture of sweetness and artificial cherry.

Matteo wonders if he could taste it if he kissed him.

David is looking at him, still, now with something puzzled in his eyes. “If you want to go somewhere?”

He knows he should answer, and he would, if his mind was able to catch up and his heart could drum slower inside of his chest.

“Uh, yeah, I could eat.”

At this, David just grins. 

“I know you can.”

They end up getting pizza at a place not that far away, and though they just eat and talk, it’s very apparent that it is, in fact, a date. All David’s done so far is listening to his stupid jokes and made fun of his taste in pizza toppings, which isn’t that far from what Jonas, Carlos and Abdi would do, but there’s something in the way he looks over at him that makes the air charged and makes Matteo’s cheeks go a little pink. He hopes that David somehow won’t notice.

David, with a smile that beams even in the dim light where they sit across from each other at a table a little too small for the big plates. Maybe it’s that smile being directed at him too many times in too short time that makes him think it’s just like how his feelings are too big for his body, they don’t fit in his chest, in his limbs, in his throat. It feels so cheesy, and Matteo wants to mock himself for articulating it like that even to himself, but damn. That is exactly how it feels.

Then, they’re outside, and despite it being late, Matteo still feels too hot, as if the coldness of the air doesn’t reach his skin.

All he can think, as David is standing a few feet away, with his hands in his pockets, is how he doesn’t want the night to end. He knows it has to, somehow, but the thought of separating himself from this and just head home makes his stomach drop a bit. His thoughts are interrupted, though, by David quietly clearing his throat.

“You look good today.”

Oh.

Matteo’s not sure why, but he decides this is the time to be honest.

“You always look good.”

The look on David’s face is something he’s never seen before. His dark eyes light up slowly, like they’re ignited, and Matteo can just make out a blush slowly making its way on David’s face as he quickly looks down, before looking up at Matteo again.

Matteo’s not sure he can actually breathe.

“Fuck.” 

It’s a whisper, at most, but Matteo still hears it. Something tells him he wasn’t supposed to.

“I… sort of need to go, but I’ll see you, okay?”

Matteo takes in the words seeping out between them, spilling down on the street at their feet, but it’s like the warmth in his chest doesn’t get the message. Maybe it’s the promise of another something that makes it stay put, not ready to be replaced by disappointment or uncertainty just yet.

“Yeah” he just breathes, still smiling at David, not sure how to stop.

“Goodnight, Matteo.”

Before he can register it, David quickly wraps his arms around him, pressing them against his shoulders. Matteo just manages to breathe in the scent of David before he’s taken a step back, with a look on his face Matteo is too overwhelmed to read as anything at all, and waves as he turns around to walk away.

Matteo can’t really breathe until he’s back in his flat, in his bed, clenching his duvet with his fists as he sits upright under the covers, like he’s hiding without knowing why.

The vibration of his phone sounds too loud in the quiet of his bedroom, cutting through the layers he’s hidden in. He shuts his eyes and repeats the same sentence over and over: it’s probably not David. It can be anyone.

 He’s not sure how much time passes before he breathes out again and fumbles for his phone, with only his right hand leaving the improvised hideout he’s built in his bed, and he lets the brightness of the screen light up the darkness under the covers. 

From: David

You always look good, too, you know.

Matteo hugs the duvet so tightly in his arms that it physically hurts, and he can feel his cheeks going damp from tears touching his face in relief as he takes another deep breath. When he falls asleep a while later, he’s still clutching the duvet a bit too tightly, although not with the same desperation, and his phone is left next to his pillow with David’s words still on the screen.  

Chapter Text

David has a lot of rules for himself. He hadn’t always been that aware of them; they had just been an integral part of him, protecting him from bad ideas and keeping him in place, sort of, until a therapist he’d seen for a while had pointed it out to him. He doesn’t remember her exact words, but she’d said it must be tiring to be so hard on yourself, being your own overly strict parent when he’d have to leave his own parents behind.

Some of the rules made sense, and were hard for anyone to really question; like always being on time, never fail any class, and do more than his part in any and every group project. Simply: not give anyone a reason to think less of him, or think of him as a burden. He needed people to think he always had his shit together no matter what.

They weren’t all that simple, though, and being with Matteo made them even more complicated. 

Because, David realised, being with Matteo made him want to throw everything he’d decided for himself aside and say ‘fuck it’, and it scared him more than anything. He wasn’t supposed to like people, not in a way that made him want to get closer, or open himself up just a bit if it meant getting to see more of someone else in return. And that was possibly his most important rule - not letting people get too close. Because he knew, no matter how bleak it sounded, that people didn’t stay around once he’d actually decided they were worth opening up to, and David was too smart to repeat the same mistake twice.

Which was why, when Matteo had stood in front of him outside of the pizza place they’d gone to, his bright eyes looking almost luminescent in the dark, David knew he had to walk the other way before he would do anything stupid. Like kissing Matteo senseless under the light of the street lamps, with his arms around him to force their bodies together.

He did let himself hold him, though, and it was too much and not enough all at once. The hug had ended too soon, with David forcing himself away to not melt against Matteo, and he could feel Matteo’s body going tense as soon as they separated. He hadn’t considered anything except his own need to escape when he headed home before anything else could happen, but as he’d felt Matteo’s eyes fixed on his back, he knew he might have fucked up something between them.

And, fuck, he didn’t want to hurt the sweetest boy he’s ever met; a boy with something like surprise constantly tinting his gaze while looking at him, like he couldn’t believe David was real.

There’s music starting somewhere next to him, as one of the classes being held there is about to begin and one of his colleagues stands in front a pool semi-filled with people in their fifties and older, and David turns his focus back to his thoughts.

He shouldn’t want to keep himself at arm’s length from Matteo, and to be honest, he doesn’t want that, he wants everything as far from that as possible, but he wants the safety of not being too close to him. And maybe it’s a dumb thought, thinking someone as careful and quiet and silly as Matteo would do anything to hurt him, that he is anything to run away from instead of a safe space to run towards in full speed, two arms ready to hold him for a little while. 

Maybe, he thinks, as he looks over at the bodies that’s not Matteo’s doing laps, moving quickly through the water, maybe he could just have this. His body is still itching from when he’d pressed himself against Matteo a few nights ago, like it’s suddenly missing something he’s always been used to go without - he hadn’t even known he could have it, that having someone like Matteo close to him was an option.

Now that it is, it’s like his heart is constantly vibrating at a different frequency than before, ready to either implode or come to a halt the next time he’s in the same room as Matteo again. They haven’t talked at all since David disappeared on him, and David knows it’s partly - if not entirely - his own fault. He hadn’t expected Matteo to reply to his late night confession, and neither of them had been willing to start a new conversation, making his words almost burn a hole through his screen every time he’d look at their texts, seeing them there at the bottom.

David is sick of it, though. He’s sick of being afraid, of pulling away, of never letting himself have anything out of fear of it being taken away from him. Maybe he had nothing of value to offer to Matteo, just his fears and traumas and issues , but maybe, for once, it could be up to Matteo to decide whether that was good enough or not. The thought scares him to his core, but somehow, deep down, David believes it’s a good kind of fear. The kind that pushes you in a direction you’d never go without it.

To: Matteo

Meet me after work tonight? At the entrance

From: Matteo

I’ll be there

He tries to come up with a plan in his head during the remaining hours of his shift, because he needs something to hold onto. He doubts anyone else would consider his mess of thoughts a plan , but fuck it, it’s all he’s got.

It’s dark, and David is standing outside the entrance after locking up, not sure if he should stay but not being able to do anything else. Then, David sees him; his blond hair covering his face a bit more than usual, his legs moving and then coming to a halt to get off his bike. When he sees David, there’s a mixture of nervousness and… something else, David isn’t sure, but he still gets a smile as Matteo walks up to him.

“Hi, everything okay?” 

Matteo almost sounds a bit out of breath, and David pins it on the bike ride, not wanting to explore it further.

“Yeah, just wanted to see you.”

He thinks Matteo’s eyes light up at that, but the other boy ducks his head so quickly at David’s words that he can’t tell properly.

“So...” Matteo starts, looking up at the building behind them.

David waits for him to continue, but he doesn’t, and he thinks that’s fair enough - there’s no reasonable excuse for him to drag Matteo there after hours. He does have a reason, though, and he knows he needs to put on a more convincing smile if any of this is going to work.

So, just like that, he looks right at Matteo, holding his gaze fixed on him, and smiles as confidently he can.

“I want to show you something.”

“Oh, okay.”

For someone sounding so uncertain, Matteo is quick to follow him, seemingly without asking questions. David looks back at him quickly, gesturing to follow him around the corner of the building, and Matteo just nods, as if it was obvious that he would come with him. He tries not to think about how much Matteo is trusting him, how he follows him blindly in the dark, and focuses on grabbing the right key from his pocket to get the back-entrance door to budge.

He’s not supposed to use it, even though it’s technically not illegal considering he does have a key for it, it’s more an unspoken rule that they don’t use it since it only goes to the swimming area that’s been closed down for a while. David’s not sure when the renovations were supposed to be done, or even properly begin, but it’s been hold off due to budget cuts or something like that - to be honest, he hadn’t paid that much attention when they’d told him a few months ago. 

When David opens the door and looks back again, Matteo still doesn’t question him, even though he can see the questions forming on his face.

“After you” he almost whispers, and Matteo stumbles a bit before heading inside, with David closely behind.

They’re in a narrow corridor, and it’s dark except for the light coming from the flashlight on David’s phone. Matteo seems to slow down, as if he’s unsure, but he’s still walking next to David as they reach another closed door.

David opens it before giving himself any time to question what he’s doing, and he can hear Matteo’s breathing being cut off for a second as they take in the room in front of them. The ceiling is significantly higher than in the other pool areas, and the pool itself is way more run down than the ones actually in use.

He’s not sure why, and he’s not sure he cares about reasoning anymore, but before Matteo can say anything, David gets over to the ladder and jumps down, feeling his legs shaking slightly as he lands at the bottom of the pool.

Then, not a second later, he hears the sound of Matteo’s feet hitting the tiled floor next to him, and the echo it creates is all it takes for his heart to speed up inside his chest as he turns his head to look at him.

Matteo’s smiling a little, softly, as if he’s not sure what to make of all of this but is still willing to play along, willing to let David take the lead. David can’t take his eyes of him just yet. 

Seeing him here, beside him at the bottom of an empty pool, with the only light coming from the windows placed where the walls meet the high ceiling, makes something seep into his body and drag the fear out of him, erase his rules bit by bit, until everything left is a name pulsing through his veins: Matteo, Matteo, Matteo.

Chapter Text

It’s quiet except for David slowly breathing next to him, and Matteo has to close his eyes for a second to take in that they’re actually there, that they’re standing next to each other, just existing. He doesn’t exactly know why David had told him to meet him there, but it hadn’t mattered; Matteo had answered just as quickly anyway, knowing he couldn’t say no. All he’d really wanted since their date - he had decided, the last couple of days, that that was what it’d been - was to see David again, but he hadn’t had a reason for it, and now, still without reason, he’s standing at the bottom of a rundown swimming pool.

“I’ve always wanted to go here.” 

David’s words are just a whisper, but they almost echo between them. Matteo forces himself to look over at him, despite his heart racing in his chest as soon as he does. 

David is looking right ahead, with his long lashes softly touching his face, and he’s close enough for Matteo to notice little spots and birthmarks hidden in the details of his skin. Matteo almost steps away when David turns his face to him, obviously aware of Matteo’s gaze, but there’s something safe in the smile he’s offering him, so Matteo just stays put. He thinks about all the times the last days he’d been thinking about that smile being directed towards him, and the light in those warm eyes, and how he still hadn’t felt like he could text David to let him know.

There had been a lot going on, more than usual; he’d gone to his therapist again, and she’d brought up the topic of job search, which he could apparently get help with if he went to a certain office not that far off and talked to them about his situation (which he thought of as him being unable to do anything on his own, and his therapist referred to as being in need of some extra support). He hadn’t actually been to that place yet, but he had thought a lot about it, and that had been exhausting enough for now, as his thoughts had already been occupied with trying to figure out what was going on with him and David.

“Guess what?”

David’s voice almost wakes him up, because it feels like something in his chest snaps at the sound.

“What?” Matteo plays along, turning so he’s mirroring David, who is no longer standing against the wall, but walking around a bit instead.

“Technically, we’re under water.”

It’s dumb, and by the look of the grin on his face, David is very aware of it.

Unfortunately, it’s also very cute, and Matteo knows his eye roll doesn’t have the effect he wants it to have.

David tilts his head at this, with a motion that makes a lock of his hair brush against his forehead. It takes everything in Matteo to not reach out and brush it away again.

“Good thing I’m an athlete, then” Matteo mumbles, less confident than he wants to sound, but confident enough for it to work. 

It does, and David smiles at him as if he’s been caught off guard, not prepared for Matteo joining in on his pretend game. 

“Are you really?”

Somehow, David is now closer, and Matteo stands as still as he can as he feels his body physically shiver. He traces the lines of David’s face with his eyes as he raises an eyebrow at him, and the challenge in David’s eyes makes Matteo forget what they’re talking about. All he knows is that his voice won’t carry if he’d answer right now, so instead of saying anything, he just tries to respond with a somewhat confident smile.

“I bet I’m better than you.”

It’s both a statement and a challenge, and Matteo is sure David is better than him in pretty much every way. He thinks for a second about seeing David’s fit body in his work t-shirt, and yeah, he’s pretty sure David beats him in any sport there is, swimming included.

“Maybe you are.”

He lets his voice get too soft, he knows, but Matteo doesn’t know how to turn his voice into something less revealing around David anymore.

It’s clear in his eyes that David expected something else, and his smile falters a bit as he seemingly figures out what to say next. The tension is still there, though, sitting in the small space between them.

“That’s not how a bet works.” 

His voice is too soft, too, and Matteo notices right away that the confidence in his body language is toned down a bit. The look on his face is something close to shyness, and it makes something electric flow through Matteo’s chest.

Once again, he can’t answer, both because he doesn’t trust his voice, but also because his brain is failing him by not putting sentences together for him to stutter out. Instead, he takes a deep breath, almost as if he’s just about to go under water, and takes a step closer to David, so that their bodies are almost touching.

David takes a breath, too, and closes his eyes as he takes a small step closer, making their foreheads touch. Everything about the touch is overwhelming, and Matteo can feel himself stutter as he breathes out again, trying not to tremble too much.

“Matteo.” 

It’s just above a whisper, and still the sound of his name on David’s lips makes his heart drum louder, like David’s voice was a silent call to prayer.

Matteo lets himself meet David’s gaze, sitting heavily on him, lets himself trace the eyelids, every eyelash, the bridge of his nose, the dip above his upper lip, and suddenly, slowly, he lets himself kiss him.

The touch makes him feel like they’re suspended in a vast sea, surrounded by heavy waves rolling around them, but the two of them still being able to stay afloat. They feel like a them , a unity, and as long as they hold on to each other, the waves won’t roll over them.

Then, he can feel David’s face move away for just a second, and he just manages to stare at him in awe before David tilts his head a bit and surges forward, deepening the kiss even more.

It’s everything, and Matteo can’t breathe, but he’s not sure he has to, there’s nothing in his brain telling him anything, just something inside of him glowing as David moves his hand up against his arm, as if he wants to trace the outlines of the non-existing muscles there. It makes him shiver almost violently but he lets him, lets David do anything he wants as he moves his own hand to rest on David’s neck, touching his hair, tracing the bare skin there.

Then, David puts his hands on his, forcing Matteo to lower them to David’s sides, and he shuffles back enough for them to be able to properly make eye contact. Matteo is already breathless, but seeing the look on David’s face takes the air out of him completely. He looks as if he’s just woken up, startled awake, until a smile forms over his lips and he chuckles quietly. Matteo assumes he looks about the same.

“So...” Matteo starts, not knowing what to say, almost as if his mouth decided to speak before letting his brain catch up.

“My place?” David breathes out, and it’s an offer and a plea all at once.

There is nothing in Matteo that isn’t sure anymore, so he quickly nods. Then, just because he can, he leans in and kisses him on the lips again, leaning away before David can respond. 

At that, David rolls his eyes at him, but the smile on his face just turns brighter, and it takes everything in Matteo not to stutter out some great love confession just at the sight of it.

The bike ride over to David’s apartment is quick, and the adrenaline coursing through Matteo’s body makes him catch up with David, riding side by side. They giggle in the night, David speeding up from time to time and then looking back at him over his shoulder in a challenge, and it’s so cute that Matteo just shakes his head at it, knowing the blush on his face is turning bright red.

They more or less stumble up the stairs to the flat, Matteo following closely as David leads him to the right floor, and Matteo tries his best not to drape his body over him as David finds his keys and unlocks the door. Inside, they are met with darkness, and he can hear David breathe out in what can only be relief. The thought makes something giddy flow through his body, at the same time as a nervousness tints his brain.

At first, they don’t really touch; Matteo just follows David as he turns on the lights, before they end up in a small kitchen. Without saying anything, David picks out different foods from the fridge, and he smiles when he feels Matteo’s gaze studying his movements.

“I’m really hungry” David admits, and Matteo just nods again, because he hasn’t eaten in a while, and they start making sandwiches and bring some crisps with them as they put their food on the sofa table in the living room. 

“You wanna watch a movie?” 

Matteo thinks for a second, taking in the situation, and something inside of him melts. He’s never had this; he’s never allowed himself to get this close to a guy before, following them home, with the implication of staying over. It’s everything he could want right now.

“Yeah, sure.”

David chuckle at this, as if he can see right through him, and Matteo shuffles a bit as he feels David’s eyes trace his face.

It takes about ten minutes until both their sandwiches are finished, and another five before Matteo has given up on the movie on the screen to instead focus on how close they’re sitting. He can feel his own body lean into David’s, and when David looks down at him, giving him a soft smile, Matteo lets himself melt into the couch and snuggle into David’s shirt, with his head pressing against the juncture where his hip meets the side of his stomach. 

It takes just a second before he can feel David’s hand in his hair, slowly moving against his scalp, putting just enough pressure for Matteo to feel breathless again. Then, as Matteo feels his eyes fall shut, David presses a kiss at the top of his head, and the shiver going through his body is the most pleasant thing he’s ever felt.

He’s not sure how much time has passed when he wakes up, but the screen in front of them has gone dark, and he can feel David’s chest heaving slowly under him. Before Matteo can panic about what it means that he’s sleeping on another boy’s lap for the first time, he looks over to David’s face, and the smooth lines of his closed eyelids soothes him completely.

As he’s just about to let himself fall back to sleep, he hears a sound coming from somewhere in the flat, followed by the light from the kitchen lamp spilling over to the living room, creating shadows around them.

“David?”

Matteo almost snaps up, still careful not to wake up the sleeping boy next to him, and turns around enough to see a young woman standing with a confused look on her face. He can feel a sense of panic ready to set in, ready to drag him out of the safety he’s been surrounded with the last couple of hours, but it’s interrupted by the reassuring smile on her face as she notices David’s quiet breathing filling the room.

“Good night” she just whispers, and Matteo thinks he should say something, but his brain is too slow from having woken up and she quietly disappears again.

David stirs a little in his sleep, tugging at the blanket that’s somehow draped over both of them, and Matteo falls back against David’s body, shuffling around until he’s burrowed his face in his shirt again, breathing in the scent lacing the warm fabric.

Chapter Text

At first, David isn’t sure why he’s awake, his body still in need of sleep, but then the pain kicks in again, and realisation hits him hard. The living room is still dark, but he can still make out the lines of the face being pressed against his side, with blond strands of hair almost covering the eyes.

Matteo.

He doesn’t really remember falling asleep; he vaguely remembers deciding it was okay for Matteo to nap pressed up against him for a little while, thinking he would wake him up before they actually went to sleep for the night. Now, he can feel his ribs aching under the fabric of his binder, his chest feeling strained, and the feeling of something heavy pressing down on his shoulders. 

Fuck.

The sound of Matteo silently breathing next to him almost makes him not want to move, but in the end, he knows he really has to. He does his best not to reposition Matteo when he worms himself out of the space beneath Matteo’s sleeping body, and it feels like a miracle when Matteo doesn’t even shift in his sleep at David’s movements. 

He stands there for a while, looking down at the boy on their couch, focusing on the calm look on his face, the stillness making its home there for the night. 

David is pretty sure it’s the prettiest sight he’s ever seen.

He forces himself into the bathroom, remembering they’d forgotten to brush their teeth last night, and then decides to take a shower. Laura isn’t a light sleeper, so the sound won’t wake her up, and from the looks of it, neither is Matteo.

As he sees his reflection in the mirror, he notices the red marks on his body almost immediately, despite not trying to seek them out. The water makes his skin ache even more than before when the hot droplets hits his ribs, and he winces at the aching of his upper body. It takes all his energy not to curse at himself for having been reckless, knowing it won’t make a difference right now. Instead, he steps out of the shower, dries himself off carefully and puts on an oversized t-shirt and a clean pair of boxers.

It almost hurts a little not to go back to Matteo, but at the same time, David really needs to sleep some more, and he won’t sleep in his binder. He knows he should talk to Matteo, that he should have done it already, and if not, he shouldn’t let Matteo get so close to him. He also knows Laura will be upset if she puzzles the pieces together of just how long he’s worn his binder without a break, and it’s too much not to drain him completely.

So, instead of letting himself cuddle up next to Matteo, David heads to his own room, though doubting he’ll be able to sleep knowing Matteo is in the next room. Still, he quickly slips under the covers, and somehow, he’s able to drift of to sleep for a few hours.

He wakes up again at the sound of their not so quiet coffee maker, and two different realisations hits him simultaneously: Laura must be awake, and Matteo is probably still sleeping in their living room. Fuck.  

David hadn’t really considered the implications of it all when he’d woken up during the night, he’d just focused on not waking up Matteo while still being able to sneak away to his own bed. Now, though, it feels like he’s being punished for everything David-from-last-night had been dumb enough to do, or not do, and he almost doesn’t want to leave bed.

Though, he knows, it would just be worse if he’s not there when Laura and Matteo inevitably meet.

The light flowing into the kitchen drapes everything in a false sense of calm, and any other morning, David would sleepily smile at the soft colours painted by it. Now, though, he tries not to make a sound as he approaches Laura from behind, knowing she’ll interrogate him soon enough. 

“Good morning.”

Laura’s voice is polite, but he knows her well enough to know something else is about to come. Still, he looks up at her, not wanting to make things worse by not greeting her.

“Good morning.”

She holds out an empty cup at him before putting the coffee pot at the centre of the table, and the smile on her face is dangerously close to a smug grin. So, no anger yet, then. David isn’t sure what he’d prefer right now.

“So.” 

She fills her own cup, takes a sip that must be too hot, and raises an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah?” 

David’s not sure why he’s pretending, but he’s still going to try.

“I see someone brought their boyfriend home.”

The cough he lets out at that should wake up Matteo, if not all their neighbours, but somehow, he can still hear a light snore coming from the living room. Fuck, that boy is cute.

“He’s not my boyfriend. We’re just… I don’t know, dating?

The feelings soaring through him as the images of the night before comes flooding back almost screams in protest, but at least Laura can’t hear that.

“You don’t know?”

He doesn’t answer, not knowing what to say that doesn’t make him sound either desperate or unexperienced, so he takes a sip of the coffee instead.

“David.”

“Mm?”

When he looks up again, Laura’s smiling reassuringly, and something inside of him calms down a bit.

“I’m happy for you.” It’s a whisper, but it’s loud enough for the quiet morning, and David wants to hug her, but he doesn’t.

“Did you... did you tell him?”

Something close to shame stirs up inside of him, and although he’s only worn his binder for about five minutes this morning, the heavy feeling on his shoulders is back. He knows Laura is the closest person he’s got, and he thinks she’s the most understanding person he’ll ever know, but there’s still things he can’t explain to her. Like why he can’t just come out, despite Matteo being more gentle with him than anyone else he’s met.

So, in the end, he just shakes his head at her. He’s sure she’s going to call him out on it, reminding him of how he needs to let people in, and it almost shocks him when she doesn’t.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, it’s up to you, you know him best.” 

Laura smiles at him again, another reassuring look in her eyes, and he whispers a ‘thank you’ that’s more or less inaudible.

“David?”

Matteo’s voice is quiet, but it still carries enough for David to shyly smile at the sound of his name on the other boy’s lips. Laura very obviously rolls her eyes at it.

“I’m in here.”

He’s not sure what he expected to see, but the sight of a barely awake Matteo scrunching his face and tiredly rubbing his eyes before blinking at them at the table is too cute for him not to implode right then and there.

“Hi Matteo” he mumbles, because his mind gives him nothing more to work with.

At the realisation that they’re not alone, Matteo very unsubtly blushes, and David suspects they’re both just mirroring each other at this point.

“Uh, hi again” Matteo mumbles, but he’s only looking at Laura, and David isn’t sure what to say. 

“Slept well?” 

Laura’s voice sounds sincere, but David detects the hint of laughter hiding beneath it. If it weren’t for her wanting to make a good impression, he knows she’d be laughing right at them by now.

Matteo just nods, before he looks over at David again, smiling a bit more confidently. And it’s all too much for him to handle before even having breakfast.

“You want coffee?” He offers, as if the situation is nothing they haven’t done before, like waking up in the same flat and then having breakfast with his sister is just an everyday occurrence. 

David finds himself thinking how badly he wishes it could be, before mentally scolding himself for it.

“Yeah, thanks.”

He doesn’t know if Laura’s eaten already, but either way, she leaves the table and heads back to her room, a cup of coffee still in her hand. David reminds himself to thank her next time they’re alone.

“I, uh... hope it was okay I stayed here.”

Matteo is looking at him with an almost shameful look on his face, but the uncertainty in his eyes is taking up all of David’s focus.

“Of course, I said you could.”

He’s not sure if that’s technically true, but he does remember being the one suggesting they’d go to his flat, and he hadn’t complained about Matteo falling asleep next to him.

“I just thought, maybe, I don’t know,” Matteo continues, and he bites his already chapped lips instead of finishing his sentence.

David suddenly remembers the feeling of kissing him, and he can feel himself almost blush at the thought. Now, in the daylight that keeps flooding in where they’re sat in the kitchen, it almost feels surreal.

“I just don’t want to get in your way I guess.”

As the words leave his mouth, David can basically see them drop and land on the floor, right at their feet, and Matteo is already looking down at them, refusing to meet David’s glance.

“Matteo.”

He still doesn’t look up, but he hums in agreement, and David thinks that’s good enough for now.

“I want you to be here.”

He almost adds with me , but the intense look in Matteo’s eyes when he finally looks up at David is too distracting.

“Can I...” Matteo starts, and his lip is once again trapped between his teeth as he nervously bites down.

Now, it’s David’s time to hum.

“Hm?”

“I want to kiss you again,” Matteo stutters, and his voice is the sweetest sound David’s ever been fortunate enough to hear.

“Kiss me, then” he smiles, in some sort of attempt to hide his own nervousness, and Matteo finally smiles a bit brighter and leans in just as the morning lights hits in a way that makes Matteo stand out in contrast.

God, he’s beautiful.

They kiss, and it’s slower this time, more intimate. David isn’t even aware enough to worry about Laura walking in on them; Matteo takes up every part of his consciousness.

He’s just about to let his hands wander up against Matteo’s back, not really thinking things through, just suddenly being overwhelmed with want , when an alarm goes off and Matteo curses under his breath as they break apart. Then, as he looks down at his phone, a frown appears on his face, and David wishes he could see right into Matteo’s mind and untangle whatever thoughts are bothering him. 

“I think I have to go” he sighs, obviously not wanting to, and it surprises David that he’s not the first to pull away from them.

“You have somewhere to be?” 

He tries to tone down how badly he wants Matteo to say no, I can stay, but he’s pretty sure his voice betrays him.

“Sort of.” 

Matteo just shrugs, not looking at him, as if he’s trying to decide something. Then, before he knows it, David is drawn into a hug, their bodies pressed tightly together, and he’s reminded of the dull aching of his ribs. But Matteo’s arms are safely slung around him, as if he’s not letting go anytime soon, and David can’t help but give into the feeling of calm that’s washing over him as he can feel Matteo’s breath on his own skin.

“Can I see you tomorrow?”

He’s not sure it’s his own voice, or just his thoughts, but he can feel Matteo nod, his eyes now closed.

“Yeah” Matteo adds, as if to make sure they both know it’s real, before he takes a step back and smiles shyly at David, as if the make-out session a few minutes ago didn’t happen.

David still isn’t sure this isn’t just some hyperreal dream he’s about to wake up from, but he still shivers under Matteo's soft gaze as they say goodbye, both smiling dumbly at each other in the hallway. 

Chapter Text

It’s not until Matteo is back in his own bed, his head spinning slightly from flinging himself down on his back, that he realises just what’s happened the last 24 hours. He doesn’t even try to remember, it all just flows through him; every second flimmering behind his closed eyelids, every touch that’s left invisible bruises on his skin, ready to spark whenever his mind remembers David’s hands on that specific part of his arm, his neck, his cheeks. And, still, they had only kissed.  

“Matteo?”

He’s been home for less than five minutes, and it doesn’t surprise him when Jonas’ voice suddenly fills his room. When he looks up, Jonas is standing in front of the bed, smiling behind a cup of what Matteo assumes is coffee.

“Yeah” Matteo mumbles, not sure what to say after having been out for the night, which hadn’t happened since the two of them moved in together. It’s a miracle Jonas didn’t leave at least one worried voice message.

“Fun night?” Jonas smiles again, something amused in his voice, before he nods at the chair and takes a seat when Matteo barely nods back.

Matteo is pretty sure Jonas thinks he’s hungover, and considering the way his brain is cloudy and his body doesn’t really feel like his own, he might as well have been.

“Sort of” he mumbles back, because he doesn’t know how to explain the feeling of finally getting something he’s spent the last weeks longing for, and the word ‘fun’ is nowhere close to the right word.

At that, Jonas raises an eyebrow and puts his cup down at the desk, obviously waiting for him to continue.

And it’s too much, with his body already trying to comprehend every feeling it’s had around David, to now being without him, and he can feel himself sink deeper into the duvet as he presses his arms to his face.

“I kissed someone.”

He waits for a reaction, but everything he can hear is his own unsteady breathing, and when he looks up, the confusion on Jonas’ face makes it clear he didn’t hear him.

“What was that, Luigi?”

It’s still too much, too hard to grasp, but still, he takes another deep breath, closes his eyes again but this time without hiding his face.

“I kissed someone.”

“Really?”

The surprised look on his friend’s face should be amusing, but it just reminds Matteo of just how illogical it is that last night actually happened, that David had not only let Matteo kiss him but had also kissed him back, over and over, as if Matteo was someone worth his time.

“Yeah” he mumbles, again, as if his voice has permanently been set to be on the verge on incoherent.

Jonas’ smile as the realisation hits him is blinding.

“That’s great! Who was it? Anyone I know?”

Matteo presses his hands over his face, almost pressing down too harshly as he rubs his eyes, hiding his face behind the broad sleeves of his shirt. The name sits on his tongue, waiting to be spoken, and it’s too heavy to be swallowed down again.

“David.”

He’s not sure how he’s been able to breathe until now, because something seems to unblock his throat, and he takes in the somewhat stale air in the room as if he’s never been allowed to before.

Jonas’ eyes seem stuck in contemplation, as if he’s trying to figure something out, but it looks more like he’s solving a puzzle than trying to give a proper response. 

“The guy who came by?”

Matteo is just able to nod, barely, and Jonas smiles, content at getting it right with his first guess.

“Ah. He looked really good to be honest.”

Matteo can’t help to let out a laugh at that.

“Yeah, well.”

As if on command, the images of David floods through him again, and the feeling of his lips on his own makes a blush appear so quickly that he has to hide his face in his hands again.

“Hey.”

Jonas is grabbing his arm lightly, with no real force, but Matteo still lowers his arms.

“Yeah?”

“How long have you guys been...”

Jonas doesn’t finish his sentence, and Matteo’s afraid Jonas thinks he’s been hiding a relationship from him or something.

“Uh, last night, I guess? I don’t know,” he sighs, and the words still seem to fail him. 

Jonas doesn’t press, though, and Matteo almost wishes he would, so that he didn’t have to be the one breaking the silence.

“I mean I’ve liked him for a while, I guess.”

He doesn’t close his eyes when he says it, but he’s not able to look at Jonas, either, not until he suddenly chuckles next to him.

“Man, this sounds like the cutest shit I’ve heard. I can’t believe you have a crush.”

Matteo knows he means well, but the word ‘crush’ sounds too insignificant for the feelings still rushing through him, and he almost wants to hide himself under the covers to not think about it too much.

“Shut up.”

The room is quiet for a bit, and when he looks up at his friend again, there’s something a bit more serious in his eyes.

“So, you wanna talk about David being a guy?”

He groans, and even though he once again knows Jonas means well, he grabs a pillow to throw at him. It’s nowhere near to hitting him and Jonas just grins a little, still with a slightly serious look to him.

“I don’t know, not really.”

“Well, I’m proud of you, dude.”

At the last words, Jonas plants a kiss on the top of his head, and the contrast forces Matteo to smile despite still wanting to hide in his sweater.

“When are you seeing each other again?”

“Uh, tomorrow.”

He knows without looking at him that Jonas is wearing his biggest grin.

“Yeah? Want me to get out so you can… be alone?” Jonas teases, raising his eyebrows to make it abundantly clear what he’s insinuating, and Matteo rolls his eyes at him before pressing his face into a pillow.

“God, fuck off. ”

He spends hour after hour in bed, shifting between drifting in and out of sleep, playing some dumb game on his laptop and sighing at himself as soon as his thoughts circle back to David, and last night, and this morning. His face gets a little hot as soon as he thinks about it; he’d been so comfortable with him, safe, like he didn’t have to pretend. He was just Matteo, and somehow, for some reason, David still wanted him. At least in some way, and for now, that was good enough for Matteo to cling onto like it was what held him above the surface, keeping him afloat.

Matteo isn’t sure what time it is when he wakes up from his nap with his phone vibrating somewhere beside him, alerting him of a text, and his body feels wide awake as he sees David’s name on the screen.

From: David

Hi, could I call you?

There’s a lot of thoughts making their way into his mind all at once as he reads the text, but all of them leaves him with the same conclusion: David wants to call to say last night was nice, but that was it all it was, and Matteo should know it was just that.

Still, he desperately wants to hear David’s voice, and he gives in to the sappy part of himself.

To: David

Yeah, sure

It only takes a second until his phone rings, and he can hear David’s voice in an instant.

“Hi.”

Maybe it’s because he can’t see his face, but something about his voice sounds cautious, unsure, and it only fuels Matteo’s theory about where this conversation is going. 

“Hi.”

They’re quiet for a while; Matteo waits for David to gently let him down, but David just breathes, matching the sounds of Matteo’s own quiet breathing into the phone.

“I’m really sorry you had to go.”

It’s so far from anything Matteo thought he would say, and it takes him too long to process David’s words, making the silence too long between them.

“Oh.” He finally says, because his brain still hasn’t caught up, and he’s certain he’s messing up whatever is happening right now.

“Oh?” David asks, almost sounding a little disappointed.

“Yeah, I just… I don’t know, I thought maybe you didn’t like me.”

There’s a sad laugh on the other side of the conversation, and Matteo feels a little dumb for admitting his insecurities, but at least now David knows.

“Fuck, Matteo, of course I like you.”

The smile slowly growing wider on his face almost makes his cheeks hurt, and he can’t help but blushing a bit.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, obviously.”

Matteo wants to say there’s nothing obvious about this, nothing logical about David being into him, but he suspects David doesn’t want to hear it, so he just stays quiet as his body flutters with the feelings filling him up.

“Do you… do you still want to see me tomorrow?”

He can’t believe David is hesitant about this, because he can’t think of anything he wants more, and he nods enthusiastically before he realises David can’t actually see him.

“Yeah, I really do” he admits, and it sounds too fragile, and he sort of just hopes David won’t break him.

“Good.” 

Matteo can basically hear David’s grin with just that one word, and it makes his own grin grow even wider.

“Good.”

They don’t talk about how they broke into a pool almost exactly 24 hours ago, or the kisses that followed, or how Matteo fell asleep on him. They don’t talk about Laura, and Matteo doesn’t bring up Jonas; instead, they just breathe, in and out, as if that sound means something in itself. 

“I’m sorry I left earlier, I just... I had to take my meds, and they’re at home, so.”

He doesn’t know why he’s telling David this, why he’s sharing something he’s not used to share with people, but maybe it’s just that kind of day. The feeling of not being able to breathe resurface before David’s voice comes back again.

“That’s okay, I get it.”

It sounds gentle, and sincere, and Matteo thinks that maybe he does get it; maybe David has problems and insecurities and secrets of his own, and it almost makes him want to open up even more.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean, we all got things” David hums, and it’s vague, but Matteo just nods again, as if it somehow makes sense.

“Yeah, I guess.”

He thinks about everything he still hasn’t told David, and everything he hasn’t told anyone , and he thinks maybe, maybe, David could be the person who gets to hear it, someday. If whatever they are continues to be something , maybe his thoughts would be safe there, with David, the same David who let Matteo fall asleep on his chest. Matteo can’t remember ever having felt that safe before, with anyone, and he thinks that maybe this should scare him, considering it’s all so new, but it doesn’t.

It doesn’t feel scary until that next day, when he’s in the kitchen and Jonas still hasn’t gone to see Hanna, and the doorbell buzzes; then, Matteo realises, it suddenly feels terrifying. Because now, unlike the last time David was here, he knows exactly how he feels, and somehow, he’s allowed to feel like that, allowed to act on it, and that scares him the most. 

Now, Matteo realises, there is nothing to hide behind, there’s just him and David, both aware of their attraction, and it’s terrifying.

“You gonna get that?”

Jonas’ voice is almost a chuckle, and despite being nervous from David being here, Matteo wants his friend to leave immediately. Instead of kicking him out of their joined flat, though, Matteo just hurries to the door, not wanting David to wait, and takes a stuttering breath before opening it.

Somehow, David looks even more breathtaking than Matteo remembers.

He knows they haven’t been apart for that long, and he thinks he would’ve remembered, but clearly, his mind - the same one who’s been worshipping David the entire time they’ve been apart - hadn’t made him justice.

“Hi.” 

Of course, David adds a head tilt to this, making it even harder to breathe. Matteo physically needs to swallow down his nerves before answering.

“Hi, come in.”

It’s a stutter, but David just smiles softly at him, and Matteo looks down in an attempt not to blush within the first five seconds of seeing him.

As soon as he’s gotten out of his oversized jacket, David looks down at their hands, almost touching, and he carefully presses his knuckles against Matteo’s as if asking permission, and Matteo just nods as he opens his hand up a little so David can fit his fingers in between his.

“Come,” Matteo says, his voice a bit steadier now, more certain, as he gestures to the door leading to his room.

He can’t help but think about the last time David was there, in their flat, and he’d felt like showing him his room was something impossible. Now, as he pushes the door open with his free hand, feeling David breathing closely behind him, it just feels right, as if there’s nothing he could show David that would scare him away.

Chapter Text

Walking into Matteo’s room feels like walking into a secret world, where everything lets him in on another part of Matteo that David hasn’t seen yet. There are barely any pictures on the walls, and he suddenly wishes he could put up some of his own art there just to provide Matteo with something . The room is sort of messy, but in an organised-chaos sort of way; he’s sure that even though he wouldn’t really find stuff in here, Matteo probably does. Then, there’s the little knick-knacks, and to be honest, they’re the things that interests him the most.

There’s a weird-looking pencil on the desk that draws his attention to it, but before he can move closer to actually figure out what it is supposed to look like, Matteo rubs his thumb over the back of his hand, and all David’s attention is directed on him.

“Hi” Matteo whispers, and David isn’t sure what to say, because everything feels too insignificant, and the things he needs to say won’t leave his throat.

So, instead, he leans in, and he can’t help but smile at the way Matteo’s breath hitch when their foreheads touch.

He lets himself glance down at Matteo’s still chapped lips, trace the lines and the softness, and he can see Matteo swallow before he leans in as well.

Feeling their lips pressed together again is like being sheltered, and David can’t remember how he’s been able to go without it for so long. He can’t remember how he managed without Matteo’s soft skin under his fingers, as he raises his hands to trace his cheeks and his jaw, feeling Matteo slightly shiver at the touch. 

Before he knows it, Matteo raises his own hands to place at David’s waist, and they more or less stumble onto Matteo’s bed, both on their sides, still kissing as if they’ve never done anything else, as if this is their constant state of being.

He can feel his own shirt ride up a little as he shifts a bit to get closer to Matteo, but he doesn’t care about it until Matteo’s hand carefully touches the skin there, not really going anywhere, just resting at the small of his back. He can feel himself stutter through a breath at the sensation, and he doesn’t think Matteo notices, but then Matteo moves back his head a bit and just looks at him, as if asking if everything’s okay.

And everything David wants is to keep kissing him, so he just nods, placing his hand at Matteo’s neck to keep him in place as he leans in again. Before he can stop himself, he can feel his fingers trace at the fabric of Matteo’s t-shirt just below his bare neck, and he starts drawing little shapes at the skin there, not thinking as Matteo’s hands moves up to his hair. 

“Fuck.” Matteo breathes out, laughing breathlessly as they pull apart again, and David falls back on the bed, letting Matteo snuggle into his side.

“You’re pretty” Matteo mumbles, his voice a bit muffled from how he’s pressing his face slightly into David’s shirt, and David has to stop himself from letting out a soft giggle.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“Mm, nothing” Matteo mumbles again, this time with his cheeks tinted pink, and David presses a kiss to his forehead before he wraps an arm around him, holding him close to his body. 

“You’re prettier” David whispers, and it’s softer than he’d thought he’d ever be with another person, but he can’t help himself.

The way Matteo looks up at him, his eyes wide and his face fully blushing, just makes the statement even more true, and he lets himself laugh quietly at the sight.

“Shut up” Matteo whispers, this time with his face completely hidden in David’s shirt, but the softness of his voice gives him away.

They’ve been laying there for a while, just tracing the lines of each other’s hands, carding their fingers through each other’s unruly hair, when Matteo suddenly breaks the silence.

“How long have you lived with Laura?”

It comes out of nowhere, although David suspects Matteo’s probably been thinking about something for a while that’s led up to this, and he once again wishes he could see into Matteo’s brain just to get a clearer idea of what’s going on.

“A while. Like three years or so.” He shrugs, as if it doesn’t matter, and Matteo nods, still seeming to be deep in thought.

“Why?”

Matteo looks up again, as if he wasn’t prepared for David asking anything back, and is quiet for a while before trying to give a response.

“You just seemed so… close, I guess,” and he shrugs as well, despite still lying down, cuddling against David’s hip.

“Yeah, well, she’s my best friend.”

He thinks it sounds a bit pathetic to admit, but at the same time, there’s really no reason for him to lie about it. And, honestly, Laura is the closest person he’s ever had.

Matteo just hums, moving his hand a bit so it’s now picking at the hem of David’s shirt, but he doesn’t try to reach for the skin hiding under it.

“Do you have any siblings?”

It hits him that he hasn’t even considered it; Matteo has just seemed like his own entity, with no related parts, and he hasn’t even thought about anyone else being in Matteo’s life except for Jonas.

He feels Matteo shaking his head a bit, his hair sweeping over his forehead, and David pushes it back again just because he can, just because he wants to drag his hand through it.

“It was just me and my parents” he says after a while, not looking at David, and there’s a certain coldness in his voice that makes David pay a little bit more attention to his every word.

“Or, me and my mom,” he continues, “but now it’s mostly just me and Jonas.”

There are so many questions making their way into David’s head, and a part of him wants to ask Matteo what happened, but another part of him knows he can’t ask for more than he’s willing to offer back, and he doesn’t know just how much that is yet.

“I’m glad you have him,” he settles on, and Matteo offers a small smile at that.

“Yeah, it’s great.”

David keeps carding through Matteo’s hair, making the movements as soothing as possible, and Matteo breathes out at the sensation. Then, as if he’s made up his mind, he shifts a little so he’s lying on his side again, his face close to the side of David’s stomach.

“My mom’s in a hospital, so I don’t see her that much.”

“Oh.” David wishes he’d said something else, something better, but he senses how hard this is for Matteo to say, and he doesn’t want to speak over him.

“Mm.”

Matteo shuffles again, pressing his head into David’s body, and David can feel Matteo’s nose scrunch up through the fabric of his shirt.

He shuffles a bit so he can reach down, and instinctively places a kiss on his cheek. Matteo blushes a bit at this, before moving around so that he’s draped over David’s thigh, his chin resting dangerously close to where David’s binder starts, and David has to take a deep breath before he sits up.

First, Matteo looks confused, but then, when David playfully pokes his sides, something in his eyes lights up and they start to wrestle each other, any trace of heavy conversation leaving them as Matteo starts to giggle in David’s grip.

David is significantly stronger, which doesn’t surprise him, and he pins Matteo down easily on the bed. Then, when Matteo just lays beneath him, all flushed cheeks and wide smile, David isn’t sure this was a good idea.

Matteo must sense his hesitation, because suddenly he grabs David’s forearms and drags him down on top of him, their chests pressed together. And David isn’t ready, but Matteo is already kissing him, and he can’t make himself stop kissing him back, despite the voice in the back of his head telling him to run away before he gets caught.

He knows it isn’t fair, and he shouldn’t blame the hormones rushing through him, but he ends up holding down Matteo’s arms, making him unable to reach for any part of David he isn’t ready to reveal just yet. Matteo’s eyes widen at this, as if he can’t comprehend what is happening, and David can’t believe he get to have this boy so close to him as he leans down and kisses him again. He can feel Matteo squirm a bit beneath him, and he forces himself to let go, pushing himself up so that no parts of them are touching.

Matteo flings his arms at him in a failed attempt to grab his shirt, and David just laughs, feeling some sort of relief at Matteo’s clingy behaviour, at the fact that Matteo still wants him there.

“I’m hungry” he whines, as if David is in any position to change that, and David just raises an eyebrow at him in response.

Then, he checks his phone that’s been discarded somewhere on the bed, and he realises they probably should eat something.

At the end, they just order pizza, and David tries to ignore the fact that it’s from the same place where they had their first sort-of date.

Somehow, they end up back on the bed afterwards, and David makes sure to keep his distance, knowing they need to talk before they do anything else. He just doesn’t know how , and he wishes there was a script for this, but there isn’t, and the entire thing makes him exhausted as he sits with his legs crossed a bit from where Matteo is lying on his back, seemingly studying him.

Also, he realises, he doesn’t want to keep his distance, not when Matteo sleepily rubs his eyes a bit and looks at him as with a question hanging silently between them, as if he wants to ask why David isn’t cuddling up against him.

He hasn’t noticed his body starting to shiver, but he suddenly feels his hands shaking where they’re placed on his lap, and he tries to force them still before Matteo can glance down at them. When he looks up at Matteo, his eyes are already filled with a confused worry, and David doesn’t need to hear the question before he takes a deep breath.

“I need to tell you something.”

This makes Matteo sit up, but he doesn’t get closer, as if he knows David needs his space. 

“Did I...” he stutters, and David can see Matteo’s eyes fall to his now fidgeting hands. 

The sight makes something ache inside of him.

“Did I do something?”

David thinks he can feel his heart shatter a little as Matteo’s voice barely manages to get the words out, and he still won’t look David in the eye.

“Matteo” he breathes out, because he needs to do this, and fuck, Matteo needs to know he’s not the problem; he is everything, every dream David has allowed himself to keep.

“I’m… I’m trans. I am a guy, it’s just… harder, for me.”

His hands are shaking violently at this point, and he presses them down so forcefully it feels like they could break.

It feels like the universe itself takes a deep breath, refusing to let it out just yet, and he can’t force himself to look at Matteo until he feels a hand gently pressing down on his arm.

The look in Matteo’s eyes is unlike anything he’s ever seen, and he doesn’t know what it means, but at least Matteo is still there, just a few inches away from him.

Still, he can’t help the feeling of needing to leave growing stronger in his chest, spreading to the rest of his body, and he shifts restlessly, preparing himself to walk away from there when Matteo still isn’t saying anything.

“Please don’t leave.”

Matteo’s voice is small, like it’s not supposed to be heard, but Matteo is forcing it to carry his words anyway. His body looks like it’s ready to cave in on itself, and for a second, it feels like Matteo is the one who’s afraid. 

Then he thinks of Matteo not having anyone but Jonas, not really, and he realises Matteo’s fear of being rejected might be just as overwhelming as his own.

“Okay, I’ll stay.”

He’s not sure which of them breathes out first, but the sound of it is unsteady, and they just look at each other for a while, not being able to take in anything else.

Then, he feels Matteo’s eyes on his lips before Matteo leans in, and the kiss is slow and careful before David deepens it, and something inside of him slowly feels at ease.

Chapter Text

"Matteo?"

He shifts a little at the sound of David's voice, noticing the weariness of it, before looking up at his face.

David isn't really looking at him, but his hand is still carding through Matteo's hair, and Matteo thinks maybe he's doing it to soothe himself at this point.

"Hm?"

He can hear David take in a deep breath, softly scratching his nails against Matteo’s scalp, and if it wasn’t for the fact that David clearly wanted to say something, Matteo could have fallen asleep like this.

"I… if I'm staying here, I'll need to…"

Matteo isn’t used to this side of David, isn’t used to hearing his sentences being cut off and the words not being able to carry through. He shifts again so that he’s leaning on his elbow, making it clear he’s paying attention, that he’s not going anywhere.

David still isn’t saying anything, though, and Matteo wonders if this is what it’s like for David when he can’t get the words out.

“Yeah?”

David breathes out, just a bit, but it’s enough for Matteo to know he’s getting there.

“I can’t sleep in my binder.”

Oh.

He tries to go through his brain to find any information necessary to answer this, anything at all, and he wants to kick himself for how long it takes for him to reply with anything coherent.

“It’s uh... what flattens your chest, right?” 

His voice still sounds too slow, too unsure, but when he looks up at David again, David just offers him a smile.

“Yeah, basically.” 

There’s something heavy in his voice, like he’s tired of carrying these answers on his tongue, always prepared for anyone with questions, and Matteo wishes he was someone else; a person who actually read up on topics regarding their own community, or paid more attention to it in general. He wasn’t, though; he was just a bit tired, and lonely, and despite having watched a few documentaries as he was figuring himself out, he didn’t know that much.

“Hey.”

Suddenly, David’s hand is on his cheek, pressing down a little beneath his left eye, and Matteo feels bare under his gaze.

“What are you thinking?” 

There’s no worry in his voice, or, maybe there is, but it doesn’t sound like David is worried for himself anymore; it just sounds like he’s worried about Matteo.

“I’m dumb” he mumbles, because it’s all he can get out as David’s fingers slowly caress his face, and he can’t manage to look at him.

“You’re not dumb.”

His voice is so stern it forces Matteo to meet his gaze, and the look in his dark, warm eyes seems determined to not let this go. Then, Matteo watches as David’s eyes move down to Matteo’s lips, and Matteo subconsciously licks his own.

“You’re not dumb” he repeats, and Matteo can’t focus on his words, not when they’re this close, with David’s breath on his face, with both of them leaning in until their lips press together.

They make out like that for a while, softly at first, shifting a bit so they’re both more comfortable where they’re placed on the bed. Then, as Matteo tries to breathe inbetween kisses, he can feel a hand low on the side of his stomach, carefully making its way up his shirt, and he can’t help but squirm a bit.

“Is this okay?” David breathes out, and Matteo just nods, because it feels like his skin is melting at the touch but in a good way, and he never thought anything could feel like that.

Before David can get much further, Matteo forces David’s hands to cup the back of his neck instead, sitting up a bit so he can move his own hands through David’s hair.

He’s not sure how this can be anything but a fever dream, with his body burning and his head feeling dizzy, and he can feel his mind go quiet as David drops one of his hands to draw small circles on Matteo’s arm, slowing down their movements a bit.

They don’t separate until Matteo once again needs to breathe, properly this time, and Matteo can see David’s eyes go soft as he watches Matteo from a few feet away on the bed. And it feels surreal, having David in his room, on his bed, looking at him in a way he’s never had anyone look at him before. It almost makes him dizzy, knowing the feelings moving through him moves in a similar way through him , their bodies reacting to each other’s touch.

It’s not until a moment later, when David yawns quietly and blinks a bit in a way that somehow makes him even cuter , that their conversation comes back to Matteo’s mind.

“I could sleep on the couch if you want. So you won’t be, you know, uncomfortable or whatever.” 

He’s almost rambling at this point, his voice unsteady, and he wonders if his voice will ever sound even a bit confident around David.

“I don’t mind sharing the bed,” David starts, and his face has a blush to it as Matteo looks up at him.

“I just… I’m not ready for you to see me without it. Or like… touch my chest.”

“Yeah, of course.”

He can feel David’s gaze linger on him, and when they lock eyes again, it feels like Matteo can’t really breathe properly. 

It’s been years since he first realised he’s gay, but there hadn’t been any guys, not really, and the concept of now sleeping next to a guy that isn’t Jonas, and, even more importantly, is actually into him, feels so foreign Matteo isn’t sure what to do.

“You could borrow a shirt, if you want?”

As soon as David smiles at him, though, the stress building up inside slowly dies down, and everything he can feel is the warmth radiating from David’s eyes.

“Yeah, thank you.”

After finding one of his thicker t-shirts, a grey oversized one he almost forgot he owned, Matteo hands it to David and watches as he heads to the bathroom, clutching the t-shirt slightly in his hands.

He’s still not sure how to go about any of this, so he ends up just wearing his usual sleep shirt and his boxers, knowing he’d be too warm wearing anything else. When David comes back, Matteo is still sitting on the bed, looking at his phone just to have something to do.

“Uh, hi.”

Matteo looks up, and David looks so unsure, afraid almost, that a part of him just want to wrap his arms around him. He isn’t sure that’s allowed, though, now that he’s not wearing his binder, so Matteo just stays put.

“Ready for bed?” 

He once again hates how small he sounds, his voice stuttering through just those few words, but David doesn’t seem to care as he just nods a little, trying out a smile that isn’t as warm as before.

They slide in under the covers, and Matteo makes sure to turn so they’re face to face, lying on their sides. They’re quiet, David’s breathing being the only sound filling up the room, and Matteo can’t take his eyes of off him. 

“Are you okay?”

David’s dark eyes looks back at him, seemingly letting himself open up a little bit, before he nods.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Mm.” 

Matteo shifts a bit so they’re even closer, and before he can stop himself, he presses their noses together, feeling his own squish against David’s.

And, finally, it’s as if the tension breaks a little, and David smiles in a way that makes his eyes glisten, and Matteo can’t help but match the smile with one of his own.

They end up closely together, with Matteo draping himself onto David’s back, carefully resting his arm over the covers, until David gently grabs it and puts it around his waist, and Matteo falls asleep with his nose burrowed in David’s neck, slowly drifting off as he breathes in David’s scent.

It’s a few days later, and he’s on his way to see his therapist, when Matteo realises he doesn’t know how to label them. They haven’t talked about it, and he hadn’t even have time to think ; everything had just been David, David, David whenever he was close enough for Matteo to lean his head on, close enough for him to kiss just because he could.

Mentioning this to his therapist is inevitable, really, considering his mind hasn’t been as focused on self destruction lately, and his body has been filled with giddiness from getting to wrap his arms around David’s waist as they fell asleep together that first night in his bed. When his therapist asks him about all of this, about how it makes him feel, there are too many feelings asking for his attention, and he ends up only articulating one.

“I, uh, I feel safe with him.”

They talk about his parents, about loud voices followed by an even louder silence, and he thinks about hiding; how he’d been hiding out in his bed whenever both his parents were home, or hide at Jonas’ place until he felt like too much of a burden to stay, despite Jonas’ protests. He thinks about hiding in his own bed, in their joined apartment, with his thoughts spinning and body aching, as if nothing had changed, even though everything had.

And, then, the images of David moving closer to him under the covers flow through him, the two of them breathing quietly side by side in that same bed, with no distractions, no thoughts racing, and it’s as if a part of him has finally found a place to rest.

Chapter Text

It’s still pretty early in the day, but considering David’s gotten up earlier than usual to study, he’s already on his second cup of coffee, powering through a chapter for his Film History class. He’s almost forgotten there’s music playing on his phone until it’s abruptly cut off by an incoming text.

From: Matteo

Can I come over?

He knows he’s already smiling at the sight of Matteo’s name on the screen, and he’s grateful he’s studying by himself, or Laura would have teased him for days for his reaction. They’ve only been apart for a few days, and he wants to hate himself for being such a cliché, but just the thought of Matteo does something to him, physically, and he just lets himself smile down at his phone before replying.

To: Matteo

Yeah ❤

David’s text has barely been marked as read before he can hear someone at the door, and unless Laura has uncharacteristically forgotten her keys, it can’t really be anyone but Matteo. 

He’s still frowning in confusion when he opens the door and sees him there, at their doorstep, with his hands deep in his pockets and the blond hair pushed back from his face. Fuck , he’s pretty.

“I forgot to text you before I went here” Matteo mumbles, and there’s something to him that David wants to explore, because his eyes aren’t meeting David’s right away.

“No worries,” David smiles, before reaching out his arms, and Matteo instinctively lets himself get drawn into a hug. As soon as Matteo is inside, he snuggles his face a bit deeper into David’s shoulder, and David can’t help but giggle under his breath at the contact.

“I thought, maybe… you were out or something.”

“No, I was just studying.”

He can see Matteo’s mind work itself up at those words, and he makes sure to hug Matteo a bit longer as he continues, “but I was almost done anyway.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You want coffee?”

Matteo nods, smiling a bit warmer, and they make their way into the kitchen with David’s hand tracing Matteo’s arm.

“I didn’t think you were a morning person.”

It almost sounds accusatory, so he makes sure to add his most loving grin, and he can see the exact moment when a blush appears on Matteo’s cheeks. God, he loves having that effect on him.

“Uh, I’m not.” 

He’s still smiling, but his body moves sagely, with low shoulders and slow movements, and David wonders if he’s slept okay when they’ve been apart.

The coffee is still too hot to drink, and David technically doesn’t need a third cup, but he doesn’t want to push Matteo, so he takes a sip anyway, trying not to study Matteo’s face too closely.

“I, uh, went to see my therapist.” 

It comes out on a sigh, and it’s as if the energy Matteo was keeping up is slowly seeping out of him along with the words, and he looks like he could collapse on the kitchen table where he’s already resting his upper body. 

“Oh, okay.” David nods, and the conversation - or, mention - about Matteo’s mom being in the hospital slowly comes back to him, reminding him of how much he doesn’t know about the sweet guy in front of him.

“How was it?”

Matteo looks up at him, not answering at first, just seemingly tracing David’s face for any answers to how much he should say.

“It was alright.”

There’s still an unsure look in his eyes, as if David would somehow not be okay with this, and David reassuringly reaches out his hand for Matteo’s across the table. Matteo’s eyes widen a bit, as if they hadn’t been touching excessively just a few days ago, before he links their hands together. 

“I used to go to a therapist as well” David mumbles, not really meaning for it to sound so heavy, but he guesses this isn’t a casual topic anyway.

“Yeah?” 

“Mm. When I came out, and all that.” 

Despite the comforting look Matteo’s giving him, and the warmth of Matteo’s skin against his own, he doesn’t feel like going into it right now, and thankfully, Matteo doesn’t ask about it.

“I have depression. That’s why I take my meds as well.”

He doesn’t stutter, but David notices Matteo’s eyes refusing to look at him, and he stands up so he can wrap his arms around him, gently card his hair, kiss him on the top of his head. He stands like that for a while, with Matteo still sitting close to him, and they don’t move until Matteo lets go of his hand to reach for his coffee again.

“Could we just rest for a bit?”

It feels like the easiest thing in the world, giving this to Matteo, letting himself have this.

“Yeah, of course.”

They fall onto the bed already wrapping their limbs together, and they end up with Matteo pressing his face into David’s chest, tucking himself in under David’s chin, and he finds himself not getting stressed out about the weight of Matteo’s body on top of him. Somehow, it just feels right, despite everything.

”Can I ask you something?”

Matteo’s voice is muffled, and soft, but David can still feel something like lightning striking down inside of him, knowing what’s about to come, the questions and the curiosity. Still, he wants Matteo to be able to ask him things; if they’re doing this - whatever this is - they need to be able to talk about it, no matter how much David wishes he didn’t have to.

“Okay.”

He can sense Matteo shuffling a bit, with his fingers slowly tracing the back of David’s hand, and it’s so soothing he almost forgets about whatever question is waiting for him.

“I don’t... I don’t really get why you like me.”  

For a second, it feels like he can see himself mirrored in Matteo; as if Matteo has taken his words and twisted them so they fit the other way around, even though they shouldn’t be able to.

“What?”

Matteo shifts again, but he stays quiet, hiding his face somewhere between the duvet and the side of David’s shirt.

But David needs to look at him, needs Matteo to look at him back, needs to make sure Matteo knows just how hard his heart is beating whenever Matteo comes close to him.

“Matteo.”

He grabs his wrists a bit forcefully, just enough for Matteo’s body to comply and sit up a bit, and then gently cups Matteo’s face between his hands, not about to let him go anytime soon. When Matteo’s blue eyes finally meet his, it’s as if David can see right into him, see every bruise that has ever bloomed up inside of him, and it hurts, knowing they match his own. It also makes the words easier to say, though, knowing Matteo knows what it’s like.

“I like you so much. Like, a stupid amount.”

Matteo’s mouth smiles a bit, gently, as if he’s not ready to trust David’s words just yet but still can’t help himself to react to them. It makes David happier than he thought anything could, and the words just fall out of him with ease after that.

“You make me feel like me. And like I’m okay.”

“You’re more than okay” Matteo whispers, and David completely melts at the sound of his voice.

“So are you.”

They gaze at each other, eyes heavy with fondness and want , and David gets the feeling that he will never find this anywhere else; he will never find anyone like Matteo. The thought forces him to take a deep breath, breaking their newfound silence, before leaning in to kiss him until their smiles melt together.

Somewhere between their make out sessions - slow at first, but then progressively more exploring, curious than that - they both lay on their backs, giggling at each other’s stupid stories and dumb jokes, making David’s face hurt from laughing.

And he can’t help but noticing how often Jonas’ name comes up in the stories Matteo is sharing with him, how often the two of them has ended up in weird situations or just fooled around, being dumb kids. Then, as Matteo goes on, he adds more names into the mix, and David tries to keep up as he can feel his gaze grow fonder as he looks down at Matteo.

Because it makes sense, at least to him; he can’t think how anyone could meet Matteo and not want to spend every waking hour with him, listen to his bright laugh, or listen to the way his voice goes soft even when his words are smug. Despite the loneliness leaving its mark on Matteo’s face, it’s clear he has friends, people who surrounds him, loves him. 

And David knows it’s unfair, because he wants Matteo to have everything, but he can’t help but ache a bit as he thinks about how he, himself, doesn’t have that, and never really has. It’s always just been him and Laura.

“Hey,” Matteo interrupts his thoughts with fake annoyance, making him look down at the boy leaning his head back onto David’s chest. “You’re not listening.”

“Am too” David protests, just because, and leans down to press a small kiss at the side of Matteo’s mouth before he can argue any further.

The thought of not having friends lingers, though, even when Matteo presses his smile against David’s, and a quiet giggle escapes him.  

It's not until hours later, when the late April sun is ready to set, that Matteo seems to actually take any notice of his surroundings - or, more specifically, David's bedroom. He just lifts his head up a bit at first, looking around the four walls as if in confusion. Then, seemingly to make sense out of it, he shifts so he's leaning on his elbow, blinking slowly. 

"Are those your drawings?"

He hadn't meant to keep it a secret, it just hadn't come up yet, and it feels a bit silly that Matteo hasn't found out about him making art until now.

David studies his reaction for a bit, watches as Matteo's eyes widen in admiration, before giving in.

"Yeah."

"I didn't know you draw."

His voice is contemplative, as if he's suddenly going through all their moments together in his head to look for clues he should have pieced together. Then, he turns so that he’s looking directly at David, leaving the drawings for a moment.

"You're so artsy and mysterious." 

It's a whisper, and David can't help but snort at the statement, noticing the teasing tone tinting Matteo's words.

"I'm not that mysterious" he mumbles, and with Matteo, he actually thinks that's true; he's showed him so much of himself, let him in on almost every secret and every dream, hoping Matteo would still stay close to him.

"Mm. You're artsy, though,” Matteo argues, tapping his chin as if in thought, before he seemingly thinks of something, and looks up to scan the room again. 

Before David can register what he’s up to, Matteo untangles himself from him, until he can stand up and walks over to David’s desk. It’s filled with things he hasn’t showed him, David knows this, but it doesn’t really matter - it’s mostly just unfinished sketches and some pencil cases. 

“Can I?”

Matteo’s holding up a sketch book now, his hands so careful around the spine that David can feel his heart swell up inside his chest, and he just nods from where he’s still placed on the bed.

“Yeah, yeah.” He’s breathless, trying not to give himself away, and Matteo’s too busy inspecting the first few pages to notice.

As he’s looking down, taking his time with each sketch, he moves back to the bed until they’re sitting closely together, with Matteo’s eyes still tracing the pages. David doesn’t really pay attention, to be honest; his mind is occupied with memorising every shape of Matteo’s face, the sound of his quiet breathing, the way his fingers flip the pages.

He doesn’t actually look down at the drawings until he can hear Matteo’s shaky inhale, and he’s met by the portrait he’d done a few weeks ago, before he even thought he had any chance of getting to know him. It feels silly, and surreal, seeing it again while feeling Matteo’s leg pressed to his own, on his bed, in his room.

“That’s… me.”

It’s not a question, but Matteo still looks at him as if it is, as it there are a thousand of questions asking to be answered without Matteo voicing any of them.

“Yeah” David mumbles, because he doesn’t have any other answer than that Matteo is pretty, and it sounds dumb even though it’s true.

“But… it’s dated weeks ago.”

David shifts uncomfortably, because yeah, he knows , and it’s embarrassing, despite the fact that Matteo obviously likes him too.

“Yeah.”

Matteo looks as if David’s speaking a foreign language, not one he’s even heard of, but then it finally seems to dawn on him, and he presses himself so forcefully onto David that they both fall back on the bed, and Matteo kisses him so hard he’s not sure he’ll remember how to breathe afterwards.

Then, Matteo’s hand is suddenly hovering at the hem of his t-shirt, and there’s a look in Matteo’s eyes asking everything his voice doesn’t, and David can feel his own eyes go a little wide before nodding.

“It’s okay.”

It still takes Matteo a moment to do anything, then, slowly, his hand finds its way up David’s side, his thumb stroking the skin on his stomach, making David squirm at the sensation.

“Ticklish?” Matteo grins, and David just rolls his eyes at him before grabbing his arms, moving them both so that David is hovering over Matteo instead.

He looks breathless, smiling widely with bright pink cheeks, and for a second, David thinks that nothing else actually matters. Sure, he’s not good at making friends, but fuck it, he somehow gotten the sweetest boy he’s ever seen to be here, with him, looking at him like that , like he’s waiting for something.

“You’re so fucking pretty” he says under his breath, and Matteo forcefully shakes his head in a failed attempt to hide the way his skin blushes harder at the compliment.

“Shut up.”

And David knows by now that Matteo isn’t used to sweet words, and it makes him want to insist on using them even more, just because Matteo deserves to hear them. 

“No.” David decides, and it takes Matteo a second before he drags David down on top of him, shutting him up with kisses that makes David’s head spin.

Chapter Text

He tries not to study his reflection too closely, but Matteo still ends up noticing little things about the version looking back at him through the changing room mirrors. The lines under his eyes, shifting colours from blue to purple, are now less prominent than usual, and his eyes have a light to them that he doesn’t really recognise. The otherwise pale skin is now closer to a warm pink than anything else, which might be because he’s just gotten out from swimming, but still - he looks okay. It almost feels risky admitting it even to himself, but something has changed, and it makes a smile appear on his face, a warm glow spreading through his tired limbs.

It’s been precisely two weeks since he’d been in the water, tiring himself out with his mind going blank. And, somehow, it’s been just one week since he’d been there to see David after his late shift, discovering the rundown pool together, discovering each other .

And, fuck, his mind always tunes out as soon as that thought reaches him; whenever he tries to understand how the endless amount of times he’s been able to kiss David, to feel his body close to his own on one of their beds, had only happened within the span of one week. Matteo feels himself shiver slightly, and all he can do is just shake his head at his own reflection, making his still dripping hair fall over his eyes a bit.

Then, just as he’s put on a shirt, he takes a dumb picture of himself, sticking his tongue out and scrunching his nose just a bit, and sends it to David, despite knowing he won’t see it until after class. Matteo still basically knows his schedule, and he knew David wouldn’t work today, and he’s not sure if he’d decided to go swimming because of that, or despite of it. 

He hadn’t really thought about swimming the last few days he and David had been wrapped up in each other, taking their time with slow conversations and takeout food, but now, as soon as he’d gone into the swimming pool, he realised he’d missed it. There was something about the way his body felt weightless in the water, the way everything inside of him tuned out from its usual mess and finally focused , that made him feel good, alive. As if his constant lack of energy, and the mental illness causing it, didn’t follow him into the water.

Matteo’s on the bus home, just about to jump off at his stop, when David texts him back.

From: David

Stop being so cute, I’m studying

He’s pretty sure his grin is too wide to ever pass as casual, but then again, he doesn’t have to pretend to be casual about David anymore. Especially not when he’s on his own, walking home and actually feeling good despite not having David close enough for comfort.

David should be done with his classes by now, Matteo thinks, but then again, David is most likely the kind of person who heads to the library or somewhere to study instead of going home right away. Unlike you , a voice inside him supplies, but he manages to shut it down without that much effort. Because yeah, he knows he wasn’t the best at going to school, or studying, but he did it , and if he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t have to study anymore.

Maybe, if he can keep this energy up, he could actually look into the place his therapist had mentioned to get some help with job searching. Maybe. Right now, though, his body is still tired - in a good way - from swimming, and he sort of wants to make coffee, maybe see if Jonas wants to hang out for a while if he’s actually home.

He doesn’t make it farther than his bed, feeling the mattress bounce slightly when he throws himself on it, before he gets a text from David, and he can feel himself blush all over as he looks at his phone.

From: David

You want coffee?

Underneath the actual text, there’s a picture of David, holding up two take away cups with little scribbles on them, and he’s smiling brightly while sort of squinting at the sun almost blinding him. It might be the cutest thing Matteo has ever seen.

To: David

Yes please

He can’t bother to send David a new picture, because he already knows he looks flushed, already feeling the heat on his face. It’s embarrassing, and it doesn’t get any less embarrassing when he can hear Jonas from somewhere in the flat, obviously heading to Matteo’s room to see what’s up. Before Jonas is at his open door, though, he just manages to collect himself and sit up on his bed, forcing his features into something less fond.

“There he is,” Jonas grins as his head pops into Matteo’s room, and Matteo smiles at him and fiddles with his phone a bit just to keep his hands occupied with something.

“I’m going over to Hanna’s tonight, wanna join? I think some of the others are going as well.”

Matteo knows Jonas adds the last part just to reassure him he wouldn’t be third-wheeling it, or feel like a kid Jonas constantly has to babysit, and possibly because Matteo still isn’t that good at keeping in touch with their other friends.

“Mm, I think David’s coming over, so...”

He can’t even look at Jonas as the words come out in a mumble, already knowing the grin waiting for him on Jonas’ face if he did, and he also knows his voice is failing miserably at sounding something even close to casual.

“Oooh, right, your boyfriend ” Jonas smiles, without missing a beat, and lightly smacks Matteo on the arm. 

“You two spend more time together than we do at this point.”

Jonas’ voice is a perfect combo of teasing and resilient support, but it’s as if Matteo’s brain isn’t able to pick up on anything after the word ‘boyfriend’, and he can feel his heart speed up a bit as he’s trying to find the right words.

“He’s not my boyfriend, ” he finally stutters out, but his voice sounds unconvincing, and Jonas just raises a disbelieving eyebrow at him.

“Alright, alright.”

They’re quiet for a bit, and Matteo tries to wrap his head around all the questions running around in his head, thinking of how to articulate any of it.

“We haven’t really talked about it yet.” 

Matteo looks up at Jonas, actually looking him in the eye, and Jonas nods knowingly, before giving him a smile that’s more reassuring than before.

“You’ll figure it out, Luigi” he starts, offering an almost-hug with one arm, before adding, “and, besides, now he’s coming over ”, and Matteo rolls his eyes at Jonas’ suggestive expression.

Jonas has barely left the apartment building when there’s someone at the door, and Matteo all but runs into the hallway at the sound of it. When he opens the door, he is greeted with the sight of David, still holding the two cups of coffee, and a smile that’s beaming .

“Hi,” Matteo says weakly, with words barely coming out at all as he tries to collect himself.

“Hi.”

David’s eyes are basically glistening, and Matteo just walks backwards into the flat before reaching out and taking both the cups in order to let David take off his jacket. Instead, as soon as Matteo puts the cups down on the closest surface, David puts both his arms around Matteo’s waist, stroking his hands over Matteo’s sides, making him laugh breathlessly.

“Missed you” he mumbles as he presses a small kiss onto Matteo’s neck.

Matteo can’t even make himself say anything back; his voice ends up coming out in a weird noise, making David laugh quietly at him. Then, he nods at the discarded cups of coffee, and Matteo manages to grab both of them and get to his bedroom without tilting them over, not even when David suddenly places a hand at the small of his back in some sort of attempt to guide him.

He places himself on his chair, because for some reason, his body is all jittery already, and he knows he will just get coffee all over himself if he sits anywhere near David. David, who sends him a sort of questioning look before gesturing at the bed, and then, when Matteo nods, sits down at the edge of it, putting down his coffee at the nightstand.

Matteo takes a sip, mostly because he doesn’t know what to say yet. Then, when it feels like his brain isn’t racing as much anymore, he goes, “Thank you.”

“No worries.”

David is still beaming, although his smile is somewhat softer now, and he looks at Matteo through his long lashes.

They talk for a bit about David’s classes, and when he mentions he ended up studying with someone from his class afterwards, Matteo realises it’s the first time he’s heard David mention anyone besides Laura. He’s not sure why, but he’d just assumed David was surrounded by friends, and Matteo still doesn’t know if he’s just not talking about them, or if he in fact doesn’t have that many people in his life.

Either way, Matteo can’t help but feel a little special ; David could have anyone, probably, and still, he’s chosen Matteo. It makes no sense, but Matteo’s learnt that it doesn’t matter - not when David keeps letting Matteo get a little bit closer, shows him another piece of himself, tells him things Matteo has never heard before. 

“Come here” David mumbles, and a shiver goes through Matteo’s body as David’s hand tugs a little at his waist, making his body follow David’s onto the bed.

Matteo really tries to be in this moment, but David’s breath against his neck makes his heart rate speed up again, and his dark curls tickles a little where they touch Matteo’s forehead, and Matteo can’t get the word boyfriend to stop circulating in his brain like a broken record stuck on repeat, and it’s too much all at once for him to even begin to process any of the words David is currently saying.

“What?”

David is tilting his head to the side, with something playful on his face, and the way he lets his eyes linger on Matteo’s lips makes Matteo squirm a bit as he tries his best to focus.

“I want to kiss you, dumbass” David announces, a bit slower, with his voice sounding giddy and so confident Matteo can feel himself blush all over.

“Okay” Matteo replies, even slower, and David raises an eyebrow at him but still leans in, pressing a kiss onto his lips, parting them a bit.

“Matteo,” David whispers as they break apart, and Matteo knows he probably looks a little out of it, with his head still spinning.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah” he breathes out, because David is once again in his bed, and he’s so much more than okay , but his brain doesn’t seem to get the message.

“It’s just...”

As soon as he says it, he has no intentions of finishing the sentence, and they’re quiet for a moment before David seems to realise this too. He raises a hand to Matteo’s head, pushing back strands of his hair, putting just enough pressure against the scalp.

“What?”

He’s not sure how to phrase it, or if he should even say anything, but he knows he can’t look at David without feeling like his heart is going to crash through his body, and he closes his eyes before breathing out.

“Are we… are you my boyfriend?”

There’s a white noise getting louder in his head, and it doesn’t stop until he looks at David again. His dark eyes are staring at him with a new kind of intensity, and Matteo feels too hot under his hoodie, as if his skin is burning up where David’s gaze lands on him.

“If you want me to be.”

David’s voice sounds holy, and Matteo thinks that this, right here, is the closest thing he’s going to come to being religious; suddenly, he wants to touch David with the same care his mother touches the pages of sacred text, moving her fingers across the verse.

In the end, he just lets out a whisper, barely being able to breathe.

“Yes.”

Then, David’s hands cup his face, stroking a thumb across his cheek, and Matteo gets lost in the dark look David’s giving him, and he doesn’t dare to move until David once again leans in, and Matteo lets himself fall into him, deepening the kiss immediately.

His hands end up on David’s thighs, just where they meet his hips, and he can feel David’s hands everywhere - in his hair, around his neck, at the skin right where his hoodie is riding up. It feels like an electric shock is moving through him when David’s fingers carefully move under the waistband of his jeans, and he’s almost shaking when he can feel David’s fingertips resting against his boxers.

“Is this okay?” David breathes out, and Matteo nods, but David’s hands stay put until Matteo actually manages to whisper out a ‘ yes ’.

And he wants , again, so much so that his hands instinctively move up under David’s shirt, not stopping until he can feel the fabric of David’s binder, and David breathes out heavily before he places one of his hands on Matteo’s, moving it higher up.

“It’s okay, Matteo.”

He’s certain his name has never sounded so sacred, and David’s voice almost vibrates with it, as if Matteo is everything , and Matteo can feel his own hands move on their own until he’s touching David’s shoulders, his collar bones, the soft skin between them.

“Wait” David mumbles, and suddenly he’s moving his arms and tugging at his t-shirt until he’s shirtless, and Matteo is overwhelmed by the sight.

Because, this, right here, is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and probably ever will. It’s like a renaissance painting coming to life, except Matteo is allowed to reach out and touch, allowed to trace the skin with his hands. He carefully kisses David’s shoulder, before pressing his nose into David’s neck, breathing in the scent, and David laughs breathlessly at the touch.

Soon, David's hands find their way in under Matteo's hoodie, and they both struggle a bit with getting it off him, dragging it over his head before David throws it across the bed. 

The look of adoration in David's eyes as they move over Matteo's now bare torso makes something glow inside his chest, and it almost feels as freeing as when he's in the water, tuning out everything else.

Then, David places two strong hands on Matteo's shoulders, keeping him in place while still just looking at him, and Matteo looks down to not get even more overwhelmed. 

"Fuck, Matteo."

David's whisper echoes loudly between them, and the force of it makes Matteo look up again, just to stare at David's face in stunned awe and disbelief.

David plants small kisses across his shoulders, over to the juncture of his neck, and Matteo giggles when David reaches his face, pressing kisses over his cheek, the bridge of his nose, the side of his mouth, and Matteo finally comes back to himself long enough to place his hands around David's neck, kissing him intently with no intentions of letting go.

Chapter Text

It’s dark when he wakes up, with his arm stuck under Matteo’s weight just where his shoulders begin, and his breath sounds too loud in the stillness of Matteo’s bedroom. David takes another deep breath, blinking slowly in the dark, and he’s never felt more safe away from home.

He’s not sure when he fell asleep; he’d been too overwhelmed after having his hands moving across Matteo’s body, exploring any part of him Matteo would let him, and Matteo’s hands had done the same, with the same eager nervousness running through them. David has always been convinced he would never have that - not just a relationship, but more specifically someone wanting to touch him, needing to touch him, as if his body was something to treasure, a symbol for worship.

They’d both been shaking, stumbling messes, but they’d gone through it together, kissing each other slowly whenever it got a bit too much, slowing each other down with gentle touches. And, somehow, Matteo had given him everything , all things David had never even dared to think about wishing for, things he’d actively stayed away from. They’d ended up kissing so softly it could barely count as kissing, just lips carefully brushing against each other, and in the daze between them, David had missed the moment when reality drifted into dreams, both of them slowly falling asleep.

Matteo’s still not wearing a shirt, and his bare arms lay heavy over the duvet, his hands clenching it lightly in his sleep. David shifts a little, careful not to wake him, and leans in, just close enough to study the soft lines of his face, the blond eyelashes, the small spots on his skin.

It’s overwhelming to think about how this boy, Matteo Florenzi , had looked at him just hours ago, with shy eyes and a stuttering voice, asking if they were boyfriends.  

David’s not sure his brain has actually caught up since then.

It’s not that it changes that much, because they’ve already acted as boyfriends the past week or so, but still, something inside of him shifts as soon as he thinks about it. Somehow, he’s allowed someone to reach and touch him, has allowed himself to believe that they actually want to, want him , that he’s enough.

He’s brought back to Matteo when he can feel Matteo’s body stir next to him, his voice mumbling something in a voice drenched by sleep, and David just lets himself stroke his hand over Matteo’s head, gently moving through his unruly, blond hair.

“David,” Matteo mumbles, just a bit clearer than before, and David’s heart stings in a way that feels so good , as if he’s still asleep, dreaming.

“Yeah?” David whispers, carefully, because he still wants to see the calmness resting on Matteo’s face, wants to study him like this just a bit longer.

“Come here” he mumbles, again, this time raising his arms just enough for David to know he’s actually awake, and David can feel himself smile widely at Matteo’s arms stretched out to reach him.

It’s not ideal with his own arm still stuck underneath Matteo, but he still manages to move a bit so that Matteo can get the feeling of cuddling him , instead of the other way around, and next thing he knows, Matteo’s chapped lips is on his forehead, gracing his skin.

David thinks I love you , but it’s too early in the day, with the sun still not up, and he doesn’t dare to say anything at all, doesn’t want to disturb the peacefulness ingrained in this moment.

“I wanna go swimming.”

“Hm?” David’s not sure Matteo isn’t talking in his sleep, ‘cause his eyes are closed again, but his fingers are reassuringly moving across David’s arm.

“I wanna go swimming with you, like in the summer, when it’s warm enough.”

David can barely hear him, but somehow, the words make their way over to him, landing inside his chest, right where something has been growing and blossoming ever since he first discovered Matteo.

“It sounds nice.”

He lets himself imagine it for a while: him and Matteo, swimming side by side, Matteo inevitably splashing water at him, pretending to drag him down under water just to get to cling his arms to David’s body, the sun making Matteo’s bare chest glisten in the water, making the droplets shimmer, making Matteo shimmer with it.

It’s a dream intended for reality, intended for them, but it feels too fragile to vocalise, as if it would leave his mind and instantly turn into something impossible.

“I love swimming,” he whispers, because he hasn’t told him before, and it’s the only thing he can manage to say that doesn’t feel too scary, too real.

Matteo shifts, letting David retract the arm that’s now fallen asleep, feeling stiff, and looks at him with something puzzled in his eyes, a bit more awake than just a moment ago.

“You do?”

“Yes.”

And he could tell Matteo about all the years he’s avoided it, avoided everything concerning public changing rooms, beaches, joining Laura at the quiet lakeside, but his voice still doesn’t seem able to carry the words for him, and he just hums, pressing himself a bit closer to Matteo.

“We could go together, if you want.”

He’s not sure, but it feels like Matteo can read his silence as if everything unspoken is written on his skin, and it feels so right he can do nothing but lean in and kiss him.

“Yeah.”

They make it to the kitchen after laying awake for a while, and Matteo drapes his body over David’s back, pressing kisses onto David’s neck as he tries to find some breakfast.

“I think there’s bread somewhere”, Matteo mumbles, still with his lips on David’s skin, his voice barely audible.

“That’s good.” 

He moves over to one of the cupboards to find there’s at least a few pieces of bread left, and he shifts just enough to get Matteo off of his back, getting a disapproving whine in response.

“You want breakfast or not?”

“I want you more” Matteo mumbles under his breath, looking down to the floor, but David still hears him, and he plants a big kiss on Matteo's cheek.

Matteo looks caught off guard, his face turning pink, before he blinks and walks over to make coffee. David's barely done with the bread when he feels Matteo's arms sliding around his waist, pressing David against his chest, and David just allows himself to give into it, just a bit.

"This is nice."

David turns around in his arms, just to look up at Matteo's adoring face, and it's as if his own heart is overflowing, spilling over inside his chest.

"What?" He thinks he gets it, but he feels giddy, eager to hear Matteo actually say it.

"This, right here." 

Matteo moves his hands where they're still placed at David's waist, and then, just because he's still Matteo , he pinches the skin at David's belly.

" Stop it. "

He's trying to aim for a stern voice but feeling like he's still just as fond as before, and Matteo seems to see right through his efforts, because he just grins and steps away in case David would try anything in retaliation.

A moment later, when David's found something resembling breakfast foods in the fridge, Matteo taps him gently on the shoulder and holds up a full coffee pot, gesturing between them as if it's a peace offering. 

As many things regarding Matteo, it's a mixture of dumb and cute, and most of all, endearing , and David almost sighs happily at the warmth spreading through his chest as Matteo pours them both a cup each.

They sit across from each other at the small kitchen table, playfully kicking at each other between sleepy sighs and teasing glances, and it feels so simple, giving into living this dreamlike existence for a little while.

Matteo’s done with his breakfast quicker than David is, and it doesn’t take long before he’s looking at David like that , like he’s touch-starved despite all the hours spent close together. 

David can’t really process it before Matteo’s suddenly tugging at the side of his shirt, then placing himself on David’s lap, and David can feel his eyebrows raise before he leans into the touch and lets Matteo kiss him, slowly, as David puts down his cup and places his hand on Matteo’s back.

It’s when Matteo tilts his head a little, his body tired but his eyes wide awake, and looks at David like he could go on forever, that David hears the door open and shut, and he looks up to see Jonas grin at them at the kitchen entrance.

“Good morning.” 

His smile is contagious, and despite wanting to hide in embarrassment from getting caught, David just breathes out and giggles into Matteo’s chest, trying not to laugh at the expression on Matteo’s face when he sees Jonas as well.

“Uh, hi” Matteo mumbles, and he’s actually hiding, pressing his face into David’s shirt.

“David, right?” 

Jonas nods at them, still grinning, but with a kindness to his eyes that makes David think it’s not that big of a deal. 

“Yeah, hi” David smiles back, because this is Matteo’s best friend, and it’s important, and, as he keeps noticing, he seems nice enough.

“You with us, Luigi?”

At this, Matteo looks up from where he’s still placed on David’s lap, his face scrunched up in David’s t-shirt, and David tugs a little at the hair at the nape of his neck, just enough to make him make a small face at him and move back to the other chair.

“Yeah, yeah” he mumbles, lifting his cup just to realise it’s empty, and ends up fidgeting with his hands instead. There’s an unmistakable blush forming on his face, one David can’t get enough of, and he’s reminded of just what an effect he has on him. It makes the warmth inside him glow, and he’s realising he’s tuned out of the conversation when Matteo grins at his probably all too lovestruck smile. 

It’s as if he can feel the glow inside of him spilling over until it’s dripping, flowing through him, through his veins, making his limbs soft and his head a little out of it.

David doesn’t pay that much attention to whatever Matteo and Jonas are on about, partly because they talk like best friends, understanding each other so well despite leaving blanks in every sentence, and partly because he’s trying his best not to give himself away.

“We’re gonna go now” Matteo declares, standing up and already tugging a little at David’s shirt, forcing him to look up at Matteo.

“Alright, have fun” Jonas mumbles as he pours coffee for himself, and David can just mumble something inaudible under his breath in response as Matteo grabs his arm with intent, more or less dragging him to the bedroom and closing the door behind them. 

Chapter Text

Matteo can feel his restless energy kick in, despite listening to his most soothing playlist, and he can’t help but wanting to hide his face in the side of David’s neck. His room is empty, though, except from the usual clutter and mess he never really cleans up even though he should. The air in his room feels nonexistent, thick with dust and forgotten dishes and clothes that needs to be washed, and it’s overwhelming, with no clear place to start from.

He ends up opening the door to the balcony just a bit, letting some of the Berlin spring slip into his bedroom, and he takes a deep breath, reminding himself he needs it. It’s nice, despite his chest feeling restraint from sleep deprivation from the night before - a night they’d spent apart, because David had early classes, and lives closer to uni.

No matter how much he loves the comfort of David’s arms securely around his body at night, his soothing voice, his lips pressing careful kisses to his neck before falling asleep, he wishes he could manage without it; he wishes he could function even the nights David’s not there, with warmth radiating off of him, his scent lingering onto Matteo’s sheets.

There’s a buzz at the door, and he forces himself out of his thoughts long enough to make his way to the hallway, opening the door to see Hanna smiling widely at him.

“Hi!”

She looks a bit tired, but she still wraps him into a big hug before he can even react, and it feels nice, seeing her again, having her there. It reminds him of all the times they used to hang out, just the two of them, and he holds her a bit longer than necessary at the thought.

“Hi” he answers as they let go, gesturing for her to follow him inside when she gives him a curious look that he tries to brush off.

“Jonas said I could wait here” she explains, before Matteo can even say he’s not home, even though he guesses she’s got a better idea of Jonas’ schedule than he does anyway.

They sit down in the kitchen, after Matteo’s offered to make tea and Hanna laughing a bit at him before saying no, thank you, and he doesn’t really know what to do with his hands.

“So...” Hanna starts, with a glistening smile, and Matteo knows she’s about to call him out on something, though he’s not sure what .

“I heard you met someone.”

In a less tired state, he probably would have figured this out earlier, from the teasing look in her eyes, but as for now, his mind barely keeps up enough to focus on her actual words. It doesn’t keep his body from reacting, though, and he forces down a blush spreading on his face.

“Yeah, well” he mumbles, not really sure how much Jonas has already told her, and not really sure how much David is okay with him telling her either.

“ Matteo ” she argues, obviously wanting more than just a confirmation, and rolls her eyes at him, complete with another teasing smile.

He realises even more that he’s missed this, her , and hanging out with someone who’s known him long enough to know his worst sides, but still, somehow, decided to stick around. Sure, she’s probably mostly sticking around because of Jonas, but it doesn’t matter that much.

“I, uh, have a boyfriend.” 

It’s not how he’d thought he’d come out to her, and he’s still not sure Jonas hasn’t already told her, but a part of him thinks he probably hasn’t.

She doesn’t look surprised, though, just smiling genuinely at him, any trace of teasing gone.

“Aaaw, that’s great.”

Matteo can’t help but lower his head a bit, hiding from her reassuring gaze, knowing his constantly pink cheeks will reveal him if he’d look up at her.

“Yeah, well” he mumbles, just to say something, and when he actually meets her eye again, she gives him another eyeroll.

“How is he?”

The images of David instantly filling his mind makes him smile too widely to even pretend he’s not gone for him, which he’d hoped Hanna wouldn’t need to know, but he guesses she’d figure that out sooner or later. 

“He’s perfect” he mumbles, almost a whisper, and he starts fidgeting with his hands.

“I really like his smile. And just being with him.”

Hanna looks like her only child has told her they’re getting married, her look impossibly soft and proud all at once, and he laughs a little at her expression.

“He sounds pretty great” she concludes, still smiling, and he feels as if his body will spill over with love if they don’t steer away from the conversation anytime soon.

“Yeah, well, so am I” he says, with an overly cocky tone, earning him another smack on the arm.

“Alright, calm down.”

They end up teasing each other back and forth until Jonas eventually gets home, only pausing when Hanna briefly asks about his mom, because she always does, and he always appreciates it, despite it leaving him feeling a little heavy.

It’s an hour later or so when he gets on the bus to see David, almost feeling like falling asleep despite standing up. Berlin is showing its greenest self, spring laying heavy in the air as he jumps off at the stop closest to David’s campus, and Matteo makes his way past students taking pictures of barely blooming cherry blossoms.

He’s just about to grab his phone to text David he’s there, when he spots the unmistakably unruly head of hair together with a black jacket not that far away, and he can physically feel his smile grow wider, his shoulders dropping a little. Somehow, with his eyes not even looking at him yet, David still manage to take his breath away.

As he approaches, he can see David waving goodbye to whoever he’s talking to, and Matteo has to stop himself from shouting David’s name across the campus.

“Over here,” he says instead, just loud enough for David to turn around at the sound and notice him, and the way his eyes go soft as he sees him makes Matteo’s heart melt.

“Hi!” David is beaming, despite obviously being tired from classes, and he reaches out to drag Matteo into his arms, hugging him until Matteo backs away to just look at him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just tired” Matteo mumbles, then raises his hand to mess up David’s hair a bit more.

“ Hey ” David protests, but there’s no real irritation in his voice, just a warmth Matteo’s still not gotten used to.

Matteo isn’t sure where they stand on being public, because they haven’t really discussed it, but he still leans in and gives David a kiss on the cheek, hoping it’s okay. He can see David’s eyes widen a little in surprise, his cheeks getting warmer, but then, he just forces Matteo closer until they’re close enough for him to kiss him, on the mouth, and Matteo gives into it just as quickly.

When they break apart, it’s as if Matteo can see his own hesitation mirrored on David’s face, but then, they both break out in quiet giggles, and Matteo lets himself cling to David the entire way over to David’s flat, refusing to let go.

Laura is in the kitchen when they get there, and the sight of her makes Matteo feel safe, like he actually belongs in the Schreibner household, when he’s not used to belong anywhere.

“You want food?”

“Yeah, thanks” David nods, giving her his most charming smile, and she just chuckles at them as Matteo sneaks his arms around David’s waist, assuming he doesn’t mind. Going by the way he slowly traces the skin on Matteo’s arm, he suspects he doesn’t.

They have dinner together, the three of them, something Laura says she just stirred together using leftovers from one of the nights Matteo and David didn’t actually eat together, and it’s nice, but Matteo can still feel his body growing tired, and he keeps losing track of the conversation. He’s pretty sure David notices, as he sends glances his way as if to make sure he’s okay, and Matteo offers a smile before taking some more food.

“Come” David mumbles as they’re done, and Laura’s looking up something on her phone, before tugging at Matteo’s shirt a little. Matteo just feels himself follow David’s movements, lets David guide him until they’re on his bed, their bodies close together.

David doesn’t ask him anything. His fingers find their way through Matteo’s hair as if they belong there, and Matteo thinks that they do, their bodies belong together in every way possible. He can sense his thoughts getting less coherent; they keep fading out before he can make them into anything, and he doesn’t know how to hold onto them long enough for his brain to put together proper sentences.

He turns to his side, until he’s facing David, and reaches out to touch his cheek, needing the skin to skin contact. Suddenly, it feels like nothing is enough, like he needs pressure, and David looks at him as if he can see right through him. Matteo’s not sure he wants him to.

Then, he thinks about coming out to Hanna, and not knowing what’s allowed, and even though they should probably have this conversation when he’s less tired, his mouth still forms the words.

“Can I… tell people about you?”

He can hear David inhale, exhaling with a stutter, and his body feels tense next to Matteo’s.

“About me?”

David’s not looking at him, just tracing his fingers over Matteo’s arm as if he’s not even aware he’s doing it, and realisation hits as he tries to decipher the look in his eyes.

“Not you , specifically,” Matteo clarifies, “I mean… about us, I guess.”

“Oh.”

He takes another deep breath, and then turns so their face to face again, and there’s a small smile on his face that looks both gentle and unsure, and Matteo really wants to kiss him.

“Yeah, that’s okay.”

“Good” Matteo mumbles, not really sure how to continue, and suddenly David’s pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“Good,” he agrees, and Matteo can feel the warmth radiating off of him.

“I’m pretty sure Jonas already knows, and I told my friend Hanna...” he starts, again not sure how to continue, but the look on David’s face tells him it’s enough.

“Mm.”

Matteo shifts a little, looking up at David, mirroring his smile.

“Besides,” he pokes at David’s cheek, “they’re gonna beg me to meet you soon.”

David just rolls his eyes, but there’s a blush on his face, and Matteo leans in to kiss him just because he can.

“Alright” David mumbles, kissing him back before wrapping his arms around Matteo’s body, and Matteo feels the rest of his energy seep out of him as he breathes in David’s scent.

“Is it okay if we sleep?”

He’s not sure the words come out correctly, but David gives him a gentle smile, holding Matteo’s face in his hands, pressing a kiss to his mouth.

“Of course we can.”

David carefully untangles himself from Matteo, kissing him on the side of his head before walking out to the bathroom. Somehow, using the last energy he can find, Matteo manages to kick off his jeans, throwing them in a pile together with his socks and hoodie on the floor next to the bed. 

He looks up as soon as David returns, closing the door behind him, wearing just a t-shirt and boxers. The light in the room is dim, although he can’t remember seeing David turning it off, and Matteo just stares, trying to memorise the sight of him.

Then, David makes his way over to the bed, and they both snuggle close under the covers, and Matteo can’t help but tug at David’s arms until they hold him in a strong grip.

“Is this okay?” David mumbles, his voice almost hesitant, and Matteo nods.

“Yeah, just… hold me?”

At that, Matteo can feel David’s arms more securely around his body, as if David’s made it his mission to not let him go, and he feels so warm and safe that he can feel the beginning of tears in the corner of his eye, but he doesn’t bother to blink it away.

He’s not sure how long they lay like that before he feels like he might actually fall asleep, and he’s not sure if David’s still awake, not wanting to move either way.

“David?”

It’s silent for a while, except for their breathing, but he can hear David’s breath shift a little.

“Yes?”

His voice is glowing in the dark with the light it carries, the gentle warmth, and Matteo has to shut his eyes again, carefully press his forehead into the fabric of David’s shirt.

“I love you.”

He can hear David’s breath stutter, and he doesn’t know if he’s crossed a line until David’s arms move a little against his body, and suddenly David’s hand is stroking away hair from Matteo’s face, and he doesn’t dare to breathe.

“I love you too.”

Matteo doesn’t know when they finally fall asleep, but when they wake up, their bodies are still impossibly close, and David’s arms are still clinging to him, still refusing to let go.

Chapter Text

They’re in his bed, after breakfast but before they’ve done anything productive, and David can’t stop moving his finger over the place on Matteo’s arm where the fabric of his oversized t-shirt starts, the skin bare under his touch. Matteo just breathes slowly, in and out, and David feels Matteo’s gaze lingers a little too long on the same spot on his face, not sure whether he’s focused or slowly zoning out. 

He pokes Matteo’s arm, just enough to make Matteo shift a little next to him, seemingly brought out of his thoughts. His gaze is still on him, though, and David patiently waits for him to speak first.

“Is this...”

It’s obvious Matteo doesn’t know how to continue, but it’s even more clear that whatever is coming has been sitting with him for a while, and he wishes they were telepathic, so Matteo wouldn’t have to struggle with words.

The words always come, though, despite the tremble in Matteo’s voice, making David want to hold his body even closer to his own.

“Have you dated anyone? Before?”

Matteo isn’t really looking at him as David looks down on his face, trying to figure out what had lead him to ask the question. He looks so vulnerable pressed against David’s arm, as if he still isn’t sure he’s supposed to be there, and David leans down to press a kiss to his forehead, stroking back his blond hair.

He can feel Matteo move restlessly next to him, and he realises his silence probably isn’t making his thoughts any less stressful. In the end, he just shakes his head a little, not really looking at Matteo’s reaction.

“You’re the first.” 

It’s mostly a mumble, but Matteo still turns his head to look up at him, eyes wide and the beginning of a careful smile on his lips, not really ready to give into it.

“Really?”

It’s obvious, to him, so obvious that Matteo’s question almost feels like a joke, despite the serious tone and still heavy gaze settled onto David’s face. 

His brain focuses in on thousand different moments at once, moments of feeling insecure, feeling impossible , and despite the darkness to it, he wishes he could hold them up to Matteo, show him a glimpse of everything Matteo stands in contrast to.

“Really.”

“Hmm.”

They breathe together, still slowly, and David keeps moving his hand up and down Matteo’s arm, trying to ground them both.

He notices Matteo starting to fidget with his hands, looking down, and he nudges their heads closer to get his attention.

“What about you?”

At that, Matteo looks up with surprise in his eyes, despite being the one initiating the conversation, and David moves his hand to his hair instead, tugging a little at the strands.

“Not really” he mumbles back, shifting so his arm flings over David’s stomach, pressing his head to his chest, and it feels just right.

“Hmm.”

He can sense Matteo’s almost-smile not really reaching his eyes, and he doesn’t know how to fix it, or what there is to fix, even.

“I’ve kissed girls or whatever, but like… I was gay, so...”

“You’re not gay now?” David teases, trying to make Matteo smile just a little bit wider, and Matteo elbows him lightly in the side. David still wants to make him feel better, though.

“Can’t believe I’m the first guy you fell for” he whispers into Matteo’s hair, leaving a barely-there kiss on the scalp, and when he looks down at his face, Matteo is already blushing, pressing his face closer to David’s body.

“Shhh" Matteo whisper-groans, before rolling over so he’s on his stomach, looking up at David with curiosity suddenly tinting his smile.

“What?”

Matteo shrugs, as if there’s nothing on his mind, but then goes ahead and answers him anyway.

“It’s dumb if I’m your first.”

David just looks at him, eyebrows raised, not sure what he’s on about.

Matteo gives him a dramatic eye roll in response, but actually answers him.

“Like, you’re hot, people probably flirt with you all the time.”

His voice almost sounds a bit small for a second, like they’re not impossibly close together in bed, before his smile returns.

David can’t help the small laugh that escapes him in surprise, and he finds himself just staring at Matteo, not looking away until Matteo pushes him away a bit, poking his side.

“I haven’t really wanted anyone before” David mumbles, because even though he’d entertained the thought of having someone, there’s never been anyone in particular before making him feel the way he’s feeling with Matteo - like he needs him.

And, yeah, maybe there had been people letting their eyes linger a bit too long as they’d look at him, or smiled too brightly during conversations despite not knowing him, and he’d just tried to be friendly, not wanting to reject them but still keeping his distance, keeping himself safe. There hadn’t been anyone making him feel like it was worth it - there hadn’t even been anyone making him think about letting someone touch him - and then, out of nowhere, Matteo had showed up. 

He’s not sure there’s a way to articulate that, to articulate how Matteo is different from everything he’d ever known before.

“That’s gay” Matteo teases, but his voice sounds too sincere for the joke to actually carry any weight.

“I’m pan, though” David replies, even though that wasn’t the point; it just feels like something he should mention, and now feels as good a time as any, he reasons.

“Okay” Matteo nods, as if it’s not really news, before flinging his arm over David’s chest, pressing himself against David’s side so he’s almost on top of him.

He can feel Matteo’s hips pressing down a bit against his body, and he can feel himself almost burn at the touch, and the thought of anything happening when they’re not the only ones in the flat makes his cheeks heat up.

“Matteo.”

“Mm?”

“You know I need to study, right?”

It’s not a lie, even though he almost wishes it was, and Matteo lets out a groan before shuffling a bit so they’re side by side instead. His arm is still draped over David’s chest, though.

“I have to study” he declares again, knowing Matteo will argue, and carefully grabs Matteo’s arm to let himself sit up.

“No fair” Matteo protests, rolling over in bed again, before sitting up beside him, blinking at him in annoyance.

“I want to make out” Matteo states, and it sounds so matter-of-factly that David just snorts at him.

“Too bad” he smiles, patting Matteo on his leg before heading over to his desk, opening his laptop.

“ Uuugh. ”

Matteo doesn’t leave the bed, though, just turns so he’s on his stomach again and gives David a disappointed pout before focusing on something on his phone.

David manages to read half an article about diegetic and non-diegetic sounds in films before two arms appear around his waist, and he automatically leans into the touch.

Then, he can feel Matteo’s lips pressed against his neck, leaving kisses in a trail up towards his ear, making his breath falter a little before he moves away, forcing himself to be stern.   

“I’m not gonna fail my classes because you want to make out.” 

“But you love me” Matteo tries, and David once again has to force himself not to give into the pleading in his voice.

“Yeah, well” David replies, just to annoy him a bit more.

“Let me finish this article, then we can get lunch or something, okay?” 

“Deal.”

Matteo breaks into a smile, and it’s so sweet David almost lets out a giggle just at the sight of it.

.....

David doesn’t know when it happened, but he finds himself walking alongside a girl from his class, Vera, realising they might actually be friends. They’d been discussing which part music played in a scene they’d watched in class, and the conversation had just continued as class ended and they’d grabbed their things, still talking over the noise around them.

Up until now, David had just realised she’s a good study partner, especially after their study session after class a week ago or so, but now he realises there’s something about her that makes him at ease; he finds himself relaxing his shoulders, loosening his hold of his backpack strap, fidgeting less with his phone.

“So, what are you doing now?”

He still hasn’t told her about himself, though; she knows he lives with Laura, and a lot about his takes on basically every topic they’ve mentioned in class, but she doesn’t know about Matteo, or him.

Her voice is nice, though, and he doesn’t think she’d be weird about some of it.

“I, uh, am supposed to head over to my boyfriend’s place.”

She’s grabbing her water bottle as his words come out, and she looks up, briefly, giving him a warm smile before taking off the bottle cap and taking a sip.

“Ah, cool,” she starts, seeming a bit preoccupied with rummaging through her backpack before putting her water bottle back, “does he go here as well?”

David just shakes his head, smiling briefly at the thought of the two of them being at campus together, probably annoying everyone around them.

She gives him a smile, as if she’s just caught him blushing at the idea of his boyfriend, and maybe he is blushing, he’s not sure.

“Anyway, I have to pick up my brother, see you around?”

David just nods, again, before offering a warm smile in return.

“Yeah, see you.”

Before he knows it, she reaches out an arm and gives him a sort-of hug, and it fills him with such an unexpected joy he’s not sure what to do before she walks off, waving a little before disappearing in the distance.

The weather is nice, and he ends up taking his bike the entire way over to Matteo’s, feeling giddy at the thought of spending the rest of the afternoon and evening together. The thought of Vera’s smile at his impromptu coming-out makes his own smile even wider as he makes his way through the Berlin streets, and a part of him thinks maybe it’s worth it , the whole thing with opening up a little to people around him.

Matteo looks impossibly soft as he opens the door to the flat, and he can feel his own smile against Matteo’s as he’s dragged into a kiss.

“You’re good?” Matteo asks, his smile a bit wobbly as they break apart.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

They walk past the kitchen and reach the living room, and just as David is about to ask Matteo what he’s been up to, he notices Jonas on the couch, showing something on his phone to a red-haired girl he hasn’t seen before.

“Guys” Matteo mumbles, making them look up from Jonas’ screen, and the girl gives him a smile resembling the one Laura sometimes gives him.

“Ah, David, hi” Jonas greets him, smiling as if they’re long-time friends, and he feels the girl eyeing him curiously. 

Matteo finds his hand and locks it together with his own, before almost dragging him to the other couch, and they more or less fall into each other as Matteo slumps down, forcing David down with him.

“I’m Hanna” the girl offers, looking at Matteo with a look he’s not sure how to read, and Matteo just rolls his eyes.

“He’s my boyfriend” Matteo adds, before David can even reply, and apparently it’s the right thing to say, because Hanna looks overly pleased. 

“I know ” she points out, still smiling contently, before turning to David again. “Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, you too,” David starts, not sure how to continue, “Matteo has talked about you.”

It’s a bit of a stretch, but he had mentioned her, and it seems like an alright answer.

“Alright” Matteo interrupts, and Hanna turns her attention back to Jonas as Matteo shifts on the couch, placing himself on David’s lap.

It’s a nice feeling, having Matteo cuddling into his side, and he lets himself card through Matteo’s hair, placing his other hand around Matteo’s waist, and Matteo just presses himself even closer to his chest, making himself comfortable as if he’s ready to fall asleep.

They stay like that for what feels like both seconds and hours at the same time, with Jonas telling him about something that’s happened in his political science class, and David tries to keep up enough to be able to voice his own opinions. Hanna asks him more about his interests, and his film classes, and Matteo just adds something now and then, seemingly feeling good with just listening in on their conversation from where he’s sprawled out on David’s leg.

Sometime later, as Jonas decides they’re ordering takeout, he realises Matteo has actually fallen asleep on his lap, his chest heaving slowly as he breathes, his eyes closed shut, and David can feel his heart grow as he looks down on Matteo’s face. 

Then, when Hanna’s headed to the kitchen to look for a phone charger, he leans down just far enough to kiss Matteo on his forehead, and he can feel Matteo’s body move a little, stretching his tired limbs, before blinking slowly in confusion. The expression on his face as his eyes meet David’s is glowing with warmth, and he sighs contently as he sits up and meets David in a kiss, and David can feel his own body starting to glow as he kisses him back.

Chapter Text

It’s not even that early, and he’d slept at least a couple of hours, but Matteo is still exhausted as he’s heading over to the grocery store, pressing his headphones a bit closer to his ears. Normally, he’d just wait until he could convince David to go with him, or bug Jonas into tagging along - often resulting in Jonas being the one actually shopping, and Matteo walking two steps behind - but David has work, and Jonas had asked him to go with a voice that sounded so tired, worn out, that Matteo just went alone.

The sun is warm enough on his face, and it’s not that many people out, but still, there’s an itch to his skin that he can’t get rid of, feeling out of place even in his own neighbourhood. The music helps, it always does, as he makes his way into the store, looking down at the little note with things he’d scribbled down to not forget anything they needed, despite it being just a few things. He doesn’t really trust his brain, at least not with short term memory, and the thought of having to go back just because he forgot something is almost worse than being here in the first place. So.

He’s doing alright with the actual process of picking out things they need - vegetables, canned tomatoes, and anything that could resemble breakfast foods - but the narrow aisles still makes his hands fidget a little with the sleeves of his hoodie, feeling like he’s in someone’s way no matter where he turns. At one point, a woman bumps into him as he’s looking down, checking the list again, and her cold stare as he mumbles out an apology makes his skin feel too tight, his head pound a little.

All he wants to do, except for going back to bed and hide there for a while, is to call David, to hear his soothing voice telling him it’s alright, but he’s at work , and Matteo doubts this counts as an emergency, despite the way his heart beats too fast in his chest. He knows he should be able to handle it, as well; David shouldn’t have to save him from a grocery store run, as if Matteo’s a child that’s wandered off.

Instead of calling him, though his hand hovers over the button on his screen, he decides to just text him, without mentioning his current almost-breakdown next to the bread section.

To: David

Miss you. Are you free later?

It’s something, at least, the thought of maybe getting to bury himself in David’s protective arms, holding him steadily and never seeming to let go until he’s okay again. It’s something, and it’s enough for him to take a deep breath, noticing the music he’s still listening to but somehow had forgotten about, and walking over to the checkout line. Before he gets there, he notices the alcohol section, realising he was supposed to get Jonas’ favourite kind of cheap (and kind of gross) cider. 

The bags aren’t that heavy as he leaves the store, but his body still slumps under the weight of it, his head still pounding a little, and it’s the first time in ages he feels like smoking again. He hasn’t done it in forever, though, because his therapist had said it’d become self-harming, and she was probably right.

He can feel his phone vibrating once in his pocket, but he doesn’t want to drop the bags until he’s inside, not sure he’d have the energy to pick them up again and keep walking if he’d stopped in the street. As soon as he gets home, though, he checks his phone first thing, and he can feel his entire body relax a bit at the words.

From: David

Miss you too. I get off at 16, want me to come over?

It’s just around 1 pm, and he assumes David’s on his lunch break, and he sort of feels grateful as he realises he’s got time for a nap before he gets there.

To: David 

Yes please

His room is still light when he feels his mattress dip a little at the other side of the bed, making him blink and sit up, and suddenly, David’s looking at him with loving eyes.

“Hi” he whispers, and Matteo can’t help but to clumsily crawl over to him, burrowing his head in David’s chest.

“Finally” he mutters, his voice disappearing into David’s sweater, earning him a kiss on the top of his head. 

“You okay?” David’s eyes are still warm, but even in his just awoken state, Matteo can hear the concern in his voice.

“Mm” he replies, knowing it’s not really an answer, but not having the energy to elaborate.

“Fuck, you’re cute” David mumbles back, as if he’s not aware he’s saying it, and Matteo sits up so he can cling himself to David’s chest, his arms around David’s shoulders, his legs on each side of David’s thighs.

“Hi” Matteo says, realising he never said it before, and it makes David giggle as he leans in for a kiss.

The way David’s hands move against his sides, easily reaching under his t-shirt, touching his ribs, makes Matteo feel wide awake, his body feeling ecstatic. He presses himself even closer to David, until David makes them both lay down, deepening the kiss, making Matteo’s head spin in a way that’s completely new, despite the amount of kisses they’ve traded the last few weeks.

Matteo’s stomach makes a little rumbling sound, and it’s a little embarrassing, but David just laughs a little and wraps his arms around him.

“You’re hungry?”

He guesses he is, because he hasn’t really eaten anything, so he just shrugs at the question, not wanting to do anything about it just yet.

David doesn’t seem that keen on pressing the subject further, either, as he surges in for another kiss, moving slow, intently, in a way that somehow feels way more intimate than just moments ago.

He knows David doesn’t want to do anything when they’re not alone, though, and he assumes Jonas is home, considering someone let David into the flat. He’s not sure David is completely aware of just how his touch is affecting Matteo, though, or maybe he just doesn’t care, because his hands keep moving everywhere, and Matteo has to close his eyes and just breathe for a second.

“Uhm” he stutters, not sure how to go about this, and David looks at him as if he’s dragged out of a daydream, blinking a little at him in surprise. It’s so cute Matteo has to take another deep, stuttering breath.

“Food?” he mumbles, his voice a bit hoarse, and David nods as if he gets it, leaving just a quick kiss on Matteo’s lips before moving off of him, dragging a hand through his own hair, seemingly to make it look less messed up, as if Matteo’s hands aren’t going to mess it up again as soon as they get the chance.

Jonas is standing in the hallway as they head to the kitchen, barely letting go of each other, and he smiles at them as he looks up from his shoes.

“Have fun with Hanna” Matteo teases, and Jonas just scoffs at him.

“Bye, David” Jonas replies, smile genuine, and Matteo rolls his eyes as David stands up a little taller, nodding at Jonas before the door closes.

Without really thinking it through, Matteo starts picking out things from the fridge, lining them up next to the stove, before finding a pot and filling it with water to make some pasta. In the background, he can hear David putting on some music on his phone, something he doesn’t know the name of but is pretty sure he’s heard David play for him before. It’s nice, pretty slow with a nice beat to it, and the familiarity to it makes it a bit soothing.

“What are we making?”

He can feel David’s chin on his shoulder, then, David presses his head into Matteo’s neck, and it’s as if his heart glows at the sensation.

“Pasta” he mumbles, adding some salt to the simmering water, before turning around so he can find the package of penne pasta he knows they have somewhere in the cupboard.

“Didn’t know you can cook.”

 There’s a hint of both surprise and disbelief, as if he’s sure Matteo can cook an alright meal, but doesn’t have that high hopes. He’s smiling at Matteo, though, his gaze smooth as it lingers on Matteo’s face, and Matteo’s not sure what to say.

“I’m a great cook” he declares, just to say something, and knowing he won’t be able to concentrate with David looking at him like that.

“Mm, I bet” David agrees, humouring him a bit, but Matteo doesn’t even mind as he puts the pasta in the water before slowly starting to chop the garlic. 

He decides David might as well help out, suspecting he’ll find ways to be way too distracting otherwise, and so he asks him to start on the onion as he himself chops up a zucchini he’d bought before his semi-breakdown. It doesn’t feel like it’s still the same day, with his mind now feeling so at ease, his heart beating slowly and securely in his chest, and he thinks about how David changes everything, just by being right there .

Something must show on his face, because he can feel David glancing at him from the side, not saying anything but smiling down at the uneven pieces of chopped onion.

It’s still distracting, though, and Matteo feels like he can’t concentrate on doing the one thing he actually feels confident in doing, so he ends up asking David if he could set up a movie for them to watch during dinner, just so he can be alone and breathe some more as the pasta is boiling.

After a while, everything is done, and he feels more relaxed again, and less like he could implode as soon as David looks at him.

“Fuck” David whispers under his breath, and Matteo giggles at his reaction, actually sticking his tongue out in the process.

“Honestly, though” David continues, still with his fork held above his plate, “this is amazing. ”

“Thanks.” Matteo nods, pretending to be occupied with whatever happening on the screen, but David is still looking at him when he glances over at him two seconds later, and he can feel the blush spreading on his face.

They finish the pasta in somewhat silence, and as soon as they’re done, David pauses the movie and disappears with the dirty dishes before Matteo can even argue. As soon as he’s back, though, he sits closely to Matteo on the couch, an arm wrapped around Matteo’s side, and Matteo sighs as he cuddles closer to David’s body, feeling warm and a little sleepy and good.

“I used to cook for my mom” he mumbles, a bit out of nowhere, when the movie is wrapping up and David’s hand is moving slowly against Matteo’s thigh, not really going anywhere.

“That’s why I’m not useless in the kitchen.”

“You’re not useless at anything” David mumbles, his voice stern, his hand sitting heavier on Matteo’s body.

He shrugs, mostly because he doesn’t know what to say, and he doesn’t feel like arguing when he knows David would win.

“Anyway” he continues, when the silence starts to feel too heavy between them, “you’re welcome.”

David’s smile is blinding, even though Matteo can notice him trying to hold it back a bit, before he kisses Matteo on the cheek. 

“Thank you.”

He hovers over him a bit, making Matteo very aware of how deeply he’s pressed back into the couch, and even more aware of the darkness in David’s eyes as he’s looking down on him, not saying anything. More than anything, though, he becomes aware of just how loudly he’s breathing, and it’s almost embarrassing.

Then, as he holds his breath, David leans down, eyes heavy with intent and something else , something more , and Matteo feels like he falls forward into the kiss, grabbing David’s arms for support as soon as David deepens it, making Matteo dazed with want.

They make out until Matteo feels as if his body has ceased to exist, just a mess of limbs and overheated skin, his mind lost in a warm haze. When they break apart, Matteo is fully on his back, with David still hovering over him, his eyes wide and hair all messy, and Matteo feels like his heart will cave in inside of him if he doesn’t look away soon.

“You’re breathtaking” David whispers, and that’s it, Matteo thinks, and he shuts his eyes just to remember this isn’t a dream, that David will still be there when he opens his eyes.

He is.

“I’m not letting you go” Matteo mumbles, and he’s not sure why he says it, but David laughs breathlessly at his words before wrapping him into a hug, his hands finding Matteo’s hair.

“I wasn’t planning on leaving” David replies, and Matteo isn’t sure if he’s talking about tonight or in general, and as he cups David’s face to kiss him properly, he thinks it doesn’t really matter.

Chapter Text

He’s not sure how long they’ve been laying there, with Matteo safely tucked into his side, Matteo’s shoulder pressed into his armpit, but they’ve held hands for so long that David’s not sure which hand belongs to him, and which one is Matteo’s. He wiggles his fingers a little, just to find out, but Matteo follows his movements, and David just feels like they’re moulded together.

His thoughts are interrupted when Matteo sighs dramatically at something on his phone, and then letting go of David’s hand, making it feel foreign and bare. He can sense a smile on Matteo’s face, though.

“What?” 

“Jonas wants us to go to the park” he mutters.

David instinctively looks out, where spring is in bloom, and he raises an eyebrow at Matteo, wondering what about that is so bad.

“Like, us, and Abdi and Carlos” Matteo continues, as if that’s explanation enough.

He still thinks it sounds nice - sure, he hasn’t met Matteo’s friends yet, but he would sooner or later anyways, and he’s already on the verge of getting restless from spending too much time in bed.

Matteo gives him a look, though, his blue eyes almost staring as if he’s waiting for David to agree with him, to see why it’s a bad idea.

“So?” David replies, smiling a bit brighter as Matteo rolls his eyes a little when David isn’t automatically agreeing with him. 

“They will be so annoying. ”

“It won’t be that bad” David assures him, because he’s already met Jonas twice, and he doubts they’d be mean - teasing, maybe, but nothing he can’t handle.

“Uuugh, fine.”

Instead of making any attempt to get up, Matteo drapes himself over David’s chest, squishing his nose into David’s cheek, and David just giggles at the feeling before locking his arms around Matteo, holding him trapped there.

“Kiss me” Matteo mumbles, his voice almost inaudible with his face still pressed to David’s, and David makes sure to roll his eyes at the request before leaning in.

As they get closer to the park they're supposed to meet up with Jonas and the others, David realises he doesn't know how comfortable Matteo will be around them with him , and he makes sure to not initiate anything in case Matteo isn't ready. They're not holding hands, but Matteo walks close to him, making sure their shoulders bump into each other every now and then, kicking a bit at David's heel. David just lets him.

Jonas is the first to look up when they get there, looking grateful as two guys argue about something next to him, not paying any attention to David or Matteo at all.

“Hey.” 

Matteo only really looks at Jonas, as if he knows the others won’t notice anyway, and Jonas shakes his head before reaching out his hand to fist bump first Matteo, then David.

“Guys,” Jonas interrupts the others, and their eyes widen dramatically as they turn their heads and stop at the sight of David and Matteo.

As soon as they’ve introduced themselves, both Abdi and Carlos look between them, as if trying to figure something out, and as David glances over at Matteo, he catches him rolling his eyes at their lack of subtlety.

Before he knows it, David can feel Matteo’s body practically gravitating towards his own, Matteo’s hand finding his, Matteo’s face gently pressing into the juncture of his neck, trying to hide there.

“Alright,” Jonas starts, giving Abdi and Carlos a look seemingly asking them to stop staring, “are we still playing table tennis?”

David can feel his skin tickle a little as Matteo lets out a groan, his breath warm on his skin, and he almost feels bare when Matteo finally detaches himself to look over at the others.

“Come on, we can take him” Abdi tries, as if Matteo’s biggest problem with sports would be losing rather than the activity itself, and David holds back a laugh as Matteo once again shakes his head at his friends.

Somehow, they end up playing for a while, despite Matteo’s protest, and David suspects it’s at least partly due to the way he had challengingly raised his eyebrows at him, making something shift in Matteo’s eyes. 

He keeps noticing little things about Abdi and Carlos, and to some extent even Jonas - the way they playfully smack each other, their constant eyerolls that’s later followed by surprised praise whenever one of them actually plays well - that makes it clear just how Matteo fits in with them. It’s as if they’re all a little dumb but a whole lot endearing, despite making David snort in disbelief more than once at something Carlos had just said.

It’s also clear that Jonas is closer to Matteo than the others, which David already knew, but it’s something special about seeing them look at each other and scoff whenever the others say anything particularly dumb.

His thoughts get cut off when Matteo's hands find his waist, dragging David closer until they're basically clasped together, and Jonas just smiles at them as Matteo keeps clinging to him.

“Man, you’re so gone ” Abdi sneers, earning a scoff from Carlos.

“You would be just as bad if you had someone.”

This seemingly shuts him up, and their eyes are back on David and Matteo, making something close to a blush spread on David’s face. It’s worth it, though, getting to have Matteo so close to him, being vulnerable even in front of his friends. Everything about this - hanging out with a group of guys with his boyfriend - should feel foreign, surreal, but it doesn’t; it just feels right.

“At least I’m not straight” Matteo mumbles back, still occupied with putting all of his weight on David.

“Thank God” David mumbles back, making Jonas shout approvingly, before he leans down to kiss Matteo’s cheek. He can almost feel the skin there heat up at the touch, and he can’t hide the stupidly wide smile on his own face.

“Fuck, you’re cute” Abdi mutters, but this time Carlos puts an arm around his shoulder instead of mocking him.

They end up back in the apartment, playing video games Matteo actually manages to win - with a little help from David, but who cares - and it’s nice, seeing Matteo around his friends, seeing him confident and relaxed, knowing exactly what to say to make Carlos shut up or make Jonas laugh a bit too loudly. 

“Honestly, though” Carlos starts, making David realise he’s lost track of the conversation, “you could have told us you like guys, you know.”

His words make David look over at Matteo, sitting next to him on the couch but not as close as they usually do, and Matteo shifts a little, not really looking at anyone. He looks smaller, somehow, his hands already fidgeting with the straps of his hoodie, his hair covering his forehead and the beginning of the bridge of his nose. 

“Yeah, well, you know now, so.”

It doesn’t sound defensive, just like a fact, but there is still something heavy to it that makes David want to wrap his arms around him and tug him close. He ends up taking his hand, making Matteo’s eyes meet his, and he can sense Matteo go a little softer at the touch.

“Maybe he didn’t know before David” Abdi tries, making Jonas look over to where Matteo is now sitting closer to David, their bodies finally meeting at the hips, Matteo’s shoulders slowly falling closer to David’s. 

Once again, he’s struck with the sensation of how right it feels to have Matteo there, plastered to his body.

“I did, but,” Matteo starts, but David suspects this is one of those sentences that won’t be finished, and Matteo looks tired, shaking his head a little as if to force himself to stay focused.

“Anyways, we’re happy to have you, David.”

Jonas' smile is genuine, like it always is, and he raises his bottle of off-brand cider towards David before taking a sip.

“Mm, can’t believe Matteo found someone cool ” Carlos agrees, and David can’t help the laugh that escapes him.  

“Fuck off” Matteo grunts, and David puts a reassuring hand around his waist, forcing their bodies together until he can see a soft smile on Matteo’s lips.

If they were alone, he’d kiss him right away. Hell, he’d even hold him down, and keep him there if he’d let him - but, as it is, they’re not alone, and David has to settle for a peck on Matteo’s cheek. It’s enough to make Matteo blush, and it’s everything David wants to see.   

At some point later, Carlos’ phone goes off, and when he says he’s going to see Kiki, Abdi decides to head out as well. 

When Jonas then heads to the bathroom to take a shower, Matteo suddenly sits up with urgency, and David doesn’t have time to react before Matteo’s hovering over him on the couch.

“Finally.” 

Matteo’s voice is a whisper, heavy with intent, and David can feel his pulse go a little faster, his body reacting embarrassingly fast. 

“What?” he manages, forcing his voice to sound steady.

“I want you to myself” Matteo mutters, sounding actually bothered, and it’s all it takes for David to let out a surprised giggle.

“Your friends are nice though” he mumbles, his voice almost disappearing into the fabric of Matteo’s hoodie.

“They’re nice to you ” Matteo argues, before moving his hands so their hanging around David’s neck.

“Yeah, well. I’m likable” David smiles, making Matteo snort before he leans in to shut him up with a kiss.

The look in Matteo’s eyes as they break apart, Matteo still hovering over him, is so intense, rich, that David can feel his body melt into the couch, his legs almost shivering as his thoughts suddenly start racing, each thought focused on whatever Matteo is about to do. David tries not to be obvious, but he’s pretty sure he’s failing as Matteo raises a confident eyebrow, looking at him as if he’s finally realising how gone David is for him, how gone he’s been from the very beginning.

“We should...” he starts, and it’s all David needs to make himself sit up, forcing Matteo to move backwards and off of him.

“Your room?” 

Matteo looks noticeably more affected than before, his smile softer, almost shy, and the notion that it’s because of him makes David’s face feel even hotter than a second ago.

They link their hands together and walk through the flat until they’re in Matteo’s bedroom, with the door locked behind them, and David walks forward until Matteo’s legs hit the end of the bed. David takes another step, though, so that their chests are pressed together, and Matteo lets out a nervous giggle before stumbling backwards, falling back onto the bed.

Seeing him laying there, smiling excitedly with his face tinted pink, makes something inside David physically click, and it takes seconds before he’s finding himself draped over Matteo’s body, tugging at the hem of his hoodie to make Matteo take it off. In his eagerness, David’s hands accidentally brush over the spot where Matteo is the most ticklish, and Matteo giggles breathlessly as he’s still struggling with his t-shirt.

Everything about it, from the rosy cheeks to the cursing under his breath as he starts to fumble with his jeans, makes David’s head spin in a way that almost makes him dizzy, and he wonders if he will ever get used to this, to Matteo.

He almost forgets he’s still fully dressed until Matteo’s hands impatiently tug at the side of his shirt, not really trying to actually remove his clothes but rather hinting that he wants to. His chest almost aches with fondness at just how gentle Matteo is with him; despite having been intimate before, despite all the nights they’ve shared by now, Matteo still never assumes anything, always lets David decide and set the pace.

There are no words, or, no, there are too many , an abundance of possible ways for David to try to explain any of his thoughts to Matteo, and his brain shuts down any attempt at thinking at all, focusing only on the dark blush on Matteo’s neck, the flutter of his blond eyelashes, the unsteadiness of his breathing.

“Dav-” Matteo starts, but David is already pressing down, his hand moving over Matteo’s bare side, kissing him deeply as his other hand moves close to his face, brushing over his ear, tracing the shortest hairs at the nape of his neck. 

“Fuck, David” Matteo breathes out, and David can’t do anything except keep kissing him, not stopping until they’re both completely out of breath, shaking closely together against the mattress. 

Chapter Text

Matteo knows, theoretically, that David wants to be with him.

He can sense it in his gentle movements, on David's lips against his own, in the way David tends to shiver sometimes when Matteo deepens a kiss, placing his hand around David’s neck.

Still, there’s a difference between knowing something and actually understanding it, making sense out of it in his moments of doubt, and Matteo is very aware he’s only reached the first step, and even that took him a while. Realising that David is just as affected as him whenever one of them leans in a bit closer, or puts their hand right at the hip just because they can, has been enough to make Matteo’s head spin, and he’s been trying not to let his thoughts wander, knowing they tend to mess up anything that shines brighter than he’s used to.

It’s late, though, and his bed feels a bit too big since David isn’t in it, because some nights still have to be endured apart, and Matteo’s brain can’t stop itself from inching closer to that part of him, labelled ‘David’, with an itching want to tear it open a bit, as if it's a wound almost about to heal.

He thinks this is one of those things he should probably mention to his therapist, but he really has been trying not to look to closely at the mess of thoughts he knows has been at the back of his mind for some time now, so he hasn’t yet, and the thoughts haven’t stopped.

Matteo already knows David wants to be his boyfriend, because it’s been weeks, and David still comes over whenever Matteo isn’t already on his way to see him, and they’ve already talked about it, he knows , but it’s as if the notion won’t settle into his brain. He feels, like he often does, that his brain is faulty, wired incorrectly, malfunctioning - unable to leave anything good alone.

The fact was, still, that David was out of this world, with a smile making Matteo's heart jump when directed at him, eyes reassuring and warm.

He gets an impulse to text him, just to see if maybe he's also a bit restless from being apart, but he knows David would worry if he woke up to Matteo's late night texts tomorrow. And unlike Matteo, David needed to get up early and not spend his night replying to anxious texts in an attempt to calm him down a bit.

So, instead of clicking on David’s name in his contacts, he pulls up some pictures he’s saved as 'favourites' on his phone, going through them until he finds a particular one that makes his fingers stop moving for a second. 

It’s a picture of both of them: Matteo with his back against David’s chest, with David’s arm stretched out to take the picture. Right below where the picture is cropped, Matteo knows David’s other arm is curled around Matteo’s waist, his hand poking Matteo’s side just to make him laugh just as the picture was taken. There are at least 20 similar ones from that same night, just because they felt like being silly, but there is something about this one that makes Matteo come back to it whenever he feels a bit lonely.

Eventually, he does fall asleep, his brain seemingly shutting down from pure exhaustion. He drifts in and out of sleep for a couple of hours, never really feeling like his body gets any rest from it, and when he wakes up again at noon, his head feels foggy.

He doesn't bother checking his phone until he's almost done making coffee and already has taken his meds, and when he does, he sees that David's texted him.

From: David

miss you

It’s nothing out of the ordinary - they usually text whenever they’re apart - but there’s something about how bare those two words look on his screen that makes something tug at his heart a little, in a way that almost hurts.

To: David

please say you’ll be here tonight

Maybe it’s a bit desperate, and maybe Matteo should’ve learned to be okay with not spending every night with his arms clinging to David’s body, soft to the touch, pressing his nose at the nape of his neck, breathing him in, but fuck, he doesn’t know how to.

Maybe this should scare him, how dependent he’s become in such short time, but right now, all he can feel is the hunger from not having breakfast yet, accompanied by wanting to lean his body onto David’s back, just so he can feel the scent lingering on David’s sleepshirt.

Before he gets a reply from David, he gets a notification on his phone. He recognises that specific buzz from a to-do list app that Hanna had showed him once, after he’d told her about just how bad he was at getting shit done. As he opens the app with a few taps on the screen, he can already feel his body get tense from apprehension, knowing he’ll need to fix things today, and he’s so tired.

The notification is about job searching, which shouldn’t surprise him, but a wave of anxiety still washes over him, making it feel hard to breathe for a second. All of his friends, every single one, has somehow managed to either get a job or get into university, or, in some cases, both, and the fact that he’s just here reminds him once again about just how hard everything is for him, how fucked up he is, despite how much he tries not to be. He also knows he’s not supposed to think like that, because he’s trying , trying to have a functional life and pay rent and see his friends, but sometimes, like now, the thought of doing anything feels overwhelming.

He closes his eyes in what feels like self defence - from what, he isn’t sure - and just stands there, in the middle of his room, until his phone buzz again.

From: David

I’ll come over after work ❤

Matteo can’t put a name to the feeling, but something flows through him as soon as he’s read the words, and he re-reads it a few times before pocketing his phone again, just to stay in the feeling of comfort that seeing David’s name on the screen gives him.

Then, he forces himself to walk over to his desk, where his laptop for once actually is (instead of being on the floor next to his bed), and slumps down in the chair, still holding a cup with what’s left of his coffee. He can’t help but drag his hands over his face, followed by pushing back his hair from his forehead, before actually opening the laptop, pushing down the exhaustion pulsing behind the eyes.

He starts with looking up a website his therapist had mentioned, where you could fill out a form with work experience, skills, and level of education in order to be suggested different areas of work - but the design makes it feel like the text is everywhere, jumbled together, and he can’t make sense of the different fields he’s supposed to fill out. It also doesn’t help that his sense of failure resurfaces as soon as he’s about to start listing his work experiences, painfully aware they’re more or less non-existent.

The sound of the buzzer at the door almost startles him where he’s hunched over the desk, trying to figure out another, seemingly less intimidating website, and it takes him a bit too long before he realises he’s the only one home, making him responsible for checking the door.

When he sees David on the other side of it, smiling at him with tired eyes and low shoulders, Matteo just blinks for a moment, not sure what’s up. Then, before he can think to say anything, he instinctively checks his phone, and he realises it’s been hours since they texted. 

Huh. 

“Everything okay?” 

David’s voice is soft and smooth, despite his somewhat tense body language, and Matteo just steps forward until he’s leaning into his chest, more or less forcing David to put his arm around him, enveloping him in a hug. 

“Didn’t know what time it was” Matteo just mumbles, his words disappearing into David’s jacket, and David’s hands stroke through his hair, as if trying to relax him a bit. It works.

“Did I wake you up?”

At that, Matteo leans back a bit so he can shake his head, making David push back the hair falling into his face, and the feeling of David’s fingers gracing his forehead soothes him.

“I just lost track a bit” he mumbles again, not having the energy to explain, before looking up at David’s face, once again noticing the tired lines around his eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“Mm, just tired.” 

He strokes Matteo over the back, in a way that should probably be reassuring, but Matteo can’t help feeling like there’s something off with the way he touches him, like every movement is slightly more careful.

Matteo doesn’t want to push, though. Instead of saying anything, he just leans his forehead against David’s, then moving away before any of them can take it any further. He’s still so, so tired, and to be honest, he just want to cuddle up next to him, not doing anything.

They’re on his bed, David leaning his back against the wall, with Matteo sitting in between his legs, his shoulders low against David’s chest, and despite David’s light tone, he keeps stroking his thumbs gently over Matteo’s hands, tracing the lines of his palms, following the bumps of his knuckles.

“Mmh.”

“What?”

“I want a kiss” Matteo states, “but I don’t wanna move.”

The chuckle that escapes David is so warm, his chest vibrating under Matteo’s body, and Matteo can practically feel David rolling his eyes at him even though they’re not facing each other. 

Next thing, David leans in over him a bit, until he’s kissing Matteo on the forehead - it’s a barely there touch, but it’s enough for Matteo to slowly let out a content sigh, feeling at home pressed against David’s body with the soft duvet underneath them, the warmth of both of their hoodies making everything feel dazed, slow.

“Can you move a bit?” David mumbles, and Matteo shifts in order for David to do what he wants, and apparently, what he wants is to turn so that they’re facing, and kiss Matteo like it’s their first time all over again, slow and exploring.

When they break apart, Matteo feels like his face is overheated, his head dizzy, and he just want to fill up his entire being with this; he wants every anxious thought he’s ever had to disintegrate, the only thing remaining being the feeling of David’s lips on his, David’s skin under his fingertips.

“Come here” David whispers, his voice low, and Matteo leans in again until he’s moving above David, his hands holding onto David’s shoulders, as David’s hands cup Matteo’s face, and their kiss feels never ending, like an ancient ritual and a newly discovered language all at once.

His fingers start finding their way up David’s chest, underneath the hoodie, until they meet the fabric of his binder. He lets his hands rest there, not trying to take things any further but just focusing on the kisses instead, tilting his head just a bit so he can reach the spot under David’s jaw.

“I want” David starts, breathing through the words, and Matteo knows he should pay attention – but David’s voice sounds other-worldly, as if it’s coming from a dream, and he doesn’t stop to look at him properly until David places a firm hand on Matteo’s chest.

“Hm?” Matteo tries, blinking at him, and the light reflecting in David’s dark eyes makes his heartbeats feel a bit unsteady.

David is still lying under him, his cheeks a little pink, his breath uneven, and if it weren’t for the weighed down look in his eyes, Matteo would think this was just any other make out session. It is there, though, a look he can’t decipher, despite all the hours they’ve spent together by now.

Matteo doesn’t know how to describe it in any other way than that David looks like he’s drowning.

“Are you okay?”

He can hear his own voice almost breaking, every syllable getting smudged by the worry building up in his throat.

“Yeah,” David starts, his breathing slow, like he’s trying to force his voice not to tremble, “just… don’t really want to wear my binder.”

“Oh.”

“But like… I still don’t want you to see my chest, or like… touch me.”

“Oh, okay” Matteo mumbles out, not knowing how to convey just how willing he is to take it slow; how the only thing that matters is that David still feels safe in his arms, in his bed.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, how do you… I mean, what should we do?”

At that, David looks up at him, smiling gently, before lifting his head up enough for their lips to brush against each other.

“I thought I could wear my hoodie, but like… nothing under it?”

Despite the way he’s phrasing it, like he’s not really sure, with uncertainty tinting his voice, Matteo gets the feeling that this is something he’s thought a lot about. For a second, he wonders if David had wanted this earlier, had thought about this but hadn’t said anything.

Either way, he nods.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

With that, it’s as if something shifts, like the dim light in room glows a bit warmer, and David carefully strokes his hand over Matteo’s cheek before moving around until he’s out of bed, with Matteo’s eyes tracing his movements as he stands up.

When he gets back, Matteo can just make out the black clothing clutched in David’s hand, and he once again traces David’s movements as he leaves the binder on Matteo’s desk, before standing beside the bed. For a moment, a flash of uncertainty moves over David’s face, until he seemingly makes up his mind and moves closer, and suddenly, Matteo can feel David’s fingers around his wrists.

“Hi” David mumbles, and the sound echoes inside of Matteo’s head, erasing everything else.

“Hi.”

It’s barely audible, but fuck, David’s face is so close, their noses almost touching, and David is hovering over him in a way that would make him claustrophobic had it been anyone else. But it isn’t, and Matteo can feel his entire body react at the proximity of David’s skin to his own.

Then, before he can even take a deep breath, David’s hands move under the fabric of Matteo’s t-shirt, stroking every inch of Matteo’s skin, and Matteo is already shivering from the touch, already feeling gone despite that they’re both still dressed.

As if David can read his thoughts – and at this point, Matteo wouldn’t be surprised if he could – David tugs at the hems, confidently pushing up Matteo’s shirt until it’s discarded on the floor. The way he moves back a bit at the sight of Matteo’s bare chest, as if it’s the first time he’s seeing it, makes Matteo shiver even more, in a way that makes every inch of him feel restless and exposed.

David blinks at him, in a way that almost looks surprised, and then, his body surges forward, his warm hoodie pressing against Matteo’s skin. They both lean in for a kiss, which deepens almost immediately, and Matteo can’t help but squirm as he can feel David’s hand moving closer to the waistband of his pants, impatiently unbuttoning them before Matteo has a chance to react.

“Fuck” Matteo stutters, and David stops for a second to look at him.

The smile he sends Matteo makes electricity run through him, as if he’s slowly being hit by lightning, and he’s almost embarrassed at how receptive his body is.

It doesn’t take long for David to undress him, until Matteo is only wearing boxers, and even then, David’s thumbs find their way beneath the waistband, moving lower down until Matteo almost forgets to breathe.

“Is this okay?” David asks, just to make sure, and Matteo nods, knowing his voice would betray him.

“Good” David smiles, his face basically beaming, and his hands tug further at the boxers, until Matteo is completely bare.

“Your, uh, pants” Matteo tries, because as much as he wants to touch David, he mostly just needs to not be the only one undressed right now, feeling too seen under David’s heavy gaze.

At that, David just giggles at him, but he does move out of his jeans, and both the feeling and the sight of his strong thigh over Matteo’s waist as he positions himself again makes Matteo’s breath sound laboured.

Despite everything, Matteo isn’t ready for the ways David takes him apart.

His hands seem to be everywhere, all at once – carding through his hair, pushing down at his hip bone, gracing the beginning of his thighs. It’s a lot, and it’s more than Matteo has ever really thought he’d get to have with someone, and it feels like he’s both completely present and outside of his body, as if none of it is real.

It is, though; David is still hovering over him, leaving kisses wherever he can reach, placing his palms at Matteo’s shoulders, holding him down even though Matteo’s sure he wouldn’t be able to move if he wanted to.

“Let me-” Matteo tries, before David interrupts him with a heated kiss, making his mind go quiet and losing his train of thought. So, instead, he lets his hands move over David’s arms, trying to find something to hold onto, and moving his hips a bit so that their bodies are even closer.

“You’re everything” David breathes out, and it sounds like something he’s never heard before, as if the words hadn’t even existed up until now.

And, as David moves his hands lower down between his thighs, meanwhile deepening their already heavy kiss, Matteo feels as if he, too, hasn’t really existed until this very moment, like he’s only existing as long as David’s hands moves against his skin.

Chapter Text

David hadn’t had the best day, if he was being honest, and when he’d gotten to Matteo’s flat, all he really wanted was to bury himself in Matteo’s arm, push himself a bit too forcefully against his chest until his face was nestled into the shoulder of Matteo’s hoodie.

As soon as he’d seen him, though, he’d realised he shouldn’t; Matteo had looked pale, even for him, and his eyes had looked at him like David wasn’t really there, just a figment of Matteo’s mind. Most of all, though, he’d looked as if he really, really needed a good night’s sleep.

So, when Matteo had asked him if he was alright, he almost wanted to shake his head, because he was the one who should ask Matteo that, even though he, to be fair, wasn’t really okay either. It felt a bit more complicated, though, and it’d always been easier to focus on Matteo’s problems than his own, so he did. Or, at least he tried, despite Matteo not really offering him anything to work with.

They had ended up on Matteo’s bed, and it’d felt inevitable by now, like they were physically drawn to the comfort of the duvet, and the way they would get entangled on top of it.

And although Matteo had still looked drained, there’d been a glimpse of something in his eyes as David had leaned in, and the heavy feeling in his chest that seemed to be mirrored inside of Matteo slowly faded as their clothes had fallen to the floor, their hands moving slowly across every soft curve and uneven juncture they had found.

Matteo’s eyes had been so full of life, as if David had defeated whatever force was holding him down, and David had kept quiet about the anxiety that had been building up for a couple of hours by then, the itch that seemed to be on the inside of his skin, where he couldn’t reach it, making his brain go a little mad. As always, being with Matteo distracted him, and when Matteo’s hands touched him in places they hadn’t before, it had felt as if it disappeared - everything except from the two of them, together, glowing in the dark.

They fall asleep with their bodies close together, their arms and legs entangled as if they were about to grow into each other like trees with branches curling around each other, and for a moment, David’s mind is blissfully quiet.

Then, he sees his mom.

He’s at a street he doesn’t really recognise, though he thinks it’s supposed to be Berlin, even though he knows the buildings looks nothing alike. She’s walking in the opposite direction, on an almost empty sidewalk, and he thinks it’s not her, because her hair has the wrong length to it, and she looks older than he remembers, and there’s something off with the way she walks - but it is her, he knows. And although no one else is around, the streets quiet in the dark, she doesn’t notice him - she glances over the store windows she walks by, she turns her head to look at the river on the opposite side of the car lanes, she fiddles with something in her coat pocket, and he thinks, maybe, he doesn’t exist.

Then, he thinks, maybe it’s a good thing, because then they don’t have to talk, and he doesn’t have to make her sad by just being him , and she doesn’t have to pretend that he didn’t break her heart when he came out, although she broke his two seconds later.

But she stops, right in front of him, as if she’s just realised he’s there, and they stare at each other until he feels his body shaking, and in the quiet of the night, he can physically hear his bones shaking inside of him, his teeth chattering. Her eyes are fixed on his face, tracing every line of his features as if to find something else there, something hidden in his skin, and the look is so, so heavy on him. 

He thinks that if he exists, this might be what makes him disappear.

There’s a sound, right as he feels himself starting to shatter; a slow noise rising and sinking like waves, a sound he thinks he’s heard in another lifetime, somewhere he’d been himself since the beginning, and then he’s next to Matteo, seeing eyelids move slowly in sleep, and Matteo’s steady breathing makes his own dream fade until he’s wide awake.

David can’t really breathe, it seems like, because there is something heavy sitting on his chest, weighing him down. He looks down to where he’s covered by a t-shirt and the duvet they’re sharing, and he tries to take a deep breath just to convince himself that he can, but it takes so much strength, and he can feel his head slowly spin.

It’s not like the times he’s had panic attacks, with every breath too short, everything going too fast, until he’d been hyperventilating; this is something slow, making the room feel smudged, like he’s always assumed it feels to have bad eyesight, everything a bit out of focus.

He sits up a bit, and somehow, it’s enough to make Matteo stir in his sleep. Matteo, whose body either sleeps for 12 hours or almost nothing at all, with tired limbs and skin that’s warm to the touch when David wakes up before him in the morning.

Now, though, he doesn’t dare to reach out towards the naked arm next to him, doesn’t dare to trace patterns between the freckles and small birthmarks there.

He moves and every movement feels too slow, sluggish almost, and he drags himself over to where he knows he’s left his binder, and puts it on before putting on his t-shirt again, followed by the hoodie he’d left on the floor last night. It takes a while, with the room still being dark, but he manages to find a pair of Matteo’s sweatpants and puts them on as well.

First, his instinct is to open the door to the balcony, stepping outside a bit just so he can breathe properly, but the fear of waking up Matteo stops him, leaving him standing at the window. He doesn’t even notice when it happens, but after a while, he realises he’s hugging himself, clinging his arms to his sides, in a way that almost makes his shoulders ache.

“David?”

The first morning light is seeping in through the curtains, but the room is still dim, and David can barely make out Matteo’s facial expression as he turns around to look at him.

He doesn’t trust his voice, not when he can feel his body shivering, so he just nods, not sure why, before he turns back to the window.

“What’s up?”

Matteo sounds fragile, in a way that usually would make David place his arms around him and stroke his back until he could feel Matteo’s breathing go back to normal, or see the beginning of a smile on his lips. Now, though, the sound grows between them, making its way from the bed, down to the floorboards, just to land at David’s feet.

David is pretty sure there are tears in the corners of his eyes, and he knows blinking them away will only let them slip down his skin, so he just closes his eyes, refusing to open them. His eyelashes almost feel heavy on his cheeks.

“David” Matteo begins, his voice so gentle David feels completely bare, before David hears the ruffling of sheets followed by Matteo’s footsteps. 

Then, there’s two hands around his waist, holding on to his body like an anchor, as if David was something safe, when he feels like anything but.

“Talk to me?” 

David almost shakes his head, stopping himself as he can feel it spinning again, and forces himself to breathe before trying to speak.

“It’s nothing” he mumbles, his voice sounding like someone else’s, and it brings him back to that street, with the feeling of non-existence.

He feels like he might evaporate if Matteo lets go of him.

“Please?” Matteo pleads, and his hands stay put around David’s sides, holding onto him like he knows David could disappear if he didn’t.

He isn’t able to talk about it until he’s lost count of how many slow, deep breaths he’s taken, and he can feel his arms shaking against his sides. He wonders if Matteo notices. He guesses he does, but Matteo’s body doesn’t seem to register it; his arms hold on in the same way as before, his head still placed close to David’s neck.

“I can’t-” he starts, because his voice won’t let the words out, no matter how much he wishes he could hand them over to Matteo and let himself be hugged, be comforted by Matteo’s loving arms.

Matteo just hums, and David doesn’t know if it’s meant to show he’s waiting for him to continue, or that he’s okay with David not telling him. Either way, he takes another, deep breath, hearing it stutter in the heavy silence.

“I had a dream,” he breathes in, “and I didn’t know what was real, if I was real, or-”

He’s not sure if it’s his voice breaking that interrupts him, or if it’s the feeling of tears leaving his eyes, but they both make him try to squirm out of the grip Matteo’s holding him in.

“David” Matteo mumbles, his voice soothing despite the obvious worry to it, but he doesn’t resist, just lets David stand with his back to him and raise his hands to wipe away the tears in what almost feels like frustration.

He knows it’s a problem, his inability to cry in front of anyone but Laura, but he didn’t think he’d have to deal with it, not even when he’d gotten closer to Matteo. Up until now, he’d thought he’d just go home if he felt bad enough, or distract himself until there would only be a quiet anxiousness left in his body, a vague pulsing behind the eyes. 

He doesn’t realise he’s full-on crying until he can feel Matteo’s breath almost touching his neck, hearing his voice quietly stuttering.

“Can I hug you?”

David nods, and instantly, Matteo’s arms are around him, with one hand carefully placed at the back of his head, making David press his face into Matteo’s shoulder. He can feel himself shake against Matteo, but Matteo stays put, his arms just holding him a little tighter, as if to show he’s not letting go until David’s breathing is back to normal.

They stand there, and the morning slowly makes its way over to them, moving through the window to gently change colour to the walls around them.

“I love you, you know” Matteo whispers into his skin, and David takes another breath as he’s trying to steady himself enough to lift his head, and when he does, he sees Matteo’s eyes are shining, as if they too are tinted with sadness.

“I love you too” David whispers, and before he knows it, he lets his hands carefully cup Matteo’s face until they’re kissing, and somehow, it grounds him enough to breathe without his chest aching from anything else than the usual pressure of his binder.

It feels like too early to leave the safety of Matteo’s room, so instead of heading to the kitchen, they go back to bed, sitting closely with the duvet on their laps, their hands linked together, fingers absentmindedly wandering over each other’s skin. 

David knows he won’t go back to sleep, and usually after a night like this, his go to would be to take a shower or make some coffee, maybe even go for a run, but it’s different this time. Now, Matteo’s arm is safely tucked around him, and they’re close enough for David to breathe in the scent of Matteo’s sleep shirt, warm and familiar and, mostly, smelling of Matteo. 

And maybe, this morning, he doesn’t have to wash away any remnant of sleep to feel safe from his own thoughts, or run until his body feels like caving in; maybe, he could let his head fall to the crook of Matteo’s neck, bury his anxiousness like secrets in Matteo’s skin.

He doesn’t fall asleep again, and neither does Matteo, even though David can see how his eyelids almost fall shut, but Matteo seems to force himself to stay awake. They don’t talk about it, because right now, David feels too selfish to tell Matteo it’s okay if he wants to sleep some more, leaving him alone with his thoughts. Instead, he listens to Matteo talking about nothing, mumbling about someone he’d seen the last time he’d gone swimming, or a dumb meme he’d seen, or an anecdote that he’d heard from Jonas.

They don’t move from the safe haven of Matteo’s bed until they’re both too hungry to keep ignoring it, and David suspects Matteo doesn’t want to be the one to make them move, still looking at David as if he’s afraid to set off something in him to make him fall apart.

“We should make breakfast” David mumbles, and Matteo nods before pushing off the duvet, then standing up to search for some sweatpants. The same sweatpants, David realises, that he’s already wearing.

“Uhm” he starts, making Matteo turn around, and his eyes widen a bit when he looks down and properly takes in the sight of David.

“I hope it was okay,” David continues, biting his lip, and Matteo’s smile grows ridiculously wide, until he walks closer, still in his boxers, to give him a quick kiss.

“Yeah” he stutters, warmth radiating off of him, and David feels like he could melt.

“Okay, good.”

Matteo just nods dumbly at that, before he realises that he still needs some kind of pants - even though, to be honest, David wouldn’t mind if he didn’t - and when he does, his hand finds David’s, leading them to the kitchen.

As Matteo starts making food, telling David to just sit down for now, and making coffee that he pours in one of David’s favourite cups, David thinks that maybe, Matteo knows him better than anyone else. The feeling grows stronger as Matteo doesn’t put the things at the table, but instead asks David to help him carry some of the things back to Matteo’s room, so that they can sit on the bed, with the coffee on Matteo’s night stand. 

He knows he can’t really compare Matteo to Laura, for so many different reasons, but it still amazes him that someone he’s known for a significantly shorter period of time, already gets him in a way he’d thought no one really would, not like his sister.

They sit cross legged on the bed, facing each other and eating more or less in silence, smiling over the crumbs landing between them. It’s just toast, but for some reason, it’s everything; this, right there, with the warm light in the room moving across Matteo’s even warmer smile, reaching his eyes, and the coffee that somehow never tastes the same despite Matteo always using the same brand, but always ends up tasting good.

Berlin is blooming outside of their two-person universe, but they end up spending rest of the day barely leaving Matteo’s room, and Matteo doesn’t push when David avoids his questions, doesn’t pry when he shrugs instead of speaking up. Somehow, he just seems to know that David needs to be allowed to not talk about it, not yet at least, and Matteo alternates between stroking his hand through David’s hair, playing music on low volume that makes everything feel a bit less real, and tracing the skin of David’s arms, as if there’s still ground for him to explore, like David hasn’t already given him everything.

And, as he leans his forehead against Matteo’s, just close enough for Matteo to kiss him, deep and slow, David realises there’s no one he’d rather share his greatest insecurities and most secret wishes with, no one he’d rather be if it means that he can have this.

Chapter Text

Matteo has been sleeping a bit better lately.

He still keeps waking up in the night, only to realise he isn’t alone in his bed, before falling back to sleep, feeling a bit more safe, grounded. He wants to think the same thing goes for David; he wants to think it’s mutual, the way their bodies automatically find each other even when they’re both heavy with sleep, orbiting closer just to wake up even more entangled then they’d been the night before, whispering secrets into each other’s skin, mumbling reassuring nonsense against each other’s lips to keep the nightmares at bay.

After David had cried into his hoodie, Matteo had found himself being a bit more… gentle, maybe; not in a way that made him careful around him, worried he’d break, but more in a sense that made him feel a bit more aware, noticing David’s furrowed eyebrows or the different tones of his distracted hums.

It’s not that it’d changed anything, not really - Matteo just feels like somehow, maybe, it makes a bit more sense to him just why David actually wants him, why he keeps staying late enough that it makes sense to stay the night, offering hugs whenever Matteo doesn’t really feel enough like himself to say anything coherent and just stays quiet. 

He can’t stop feeling like it’s too good, though; waking up with David’s warm arms clinging to him in his sleep, or his hands already stroking Matteo’s unruly hair, making fun of him for sleeping in late, kissing him on the forehead, letting Matteo rope him into a make out session before breakfast. He doesn’t get how the universe has just handed him this, this guy who somehow likes him back, loves him back, letting Matteo be a bit of a dumbass just to sooth his anxious thoughts a few hours later.

It’s too much, as well, to voice to David. Because he knows, already, that David’s eyes would look deeply into his, with a slight frown that only shows when he seems worried, before reassuringly stroke his hand over Matteo’s back, and arms. He can almost feel the skin on the palms of David’s hands cupping his face, and he can feel himself waiting for David to tell him something about how, if anything, Matteo is too good for him , and anyway, it doesn’t matter, because they do have each other.

Matteo doesn’t really have a plan of what to say as he takes the stairs up to his therapist’s office, because he never seems to know what their session will be about until he’s in the middle of it, but when they’re less than fifteen minutes in, he starts talking about David.

He can’t really remember exactly how much she already knows, because he tends to forget whatever he’s revealed pretty soon after leaving their sessions, but he knows he’s told her they’re together, at least, and that he makes him feel better than anyone else, that David gets him. 

Now, though, their conversation is heavier. Now, it’s as if his late night thoughts refuse to hide away in the back of his mind, and instead, he ends up uttering them in the bright room, in front of his therapist, very aware that she’ll analyse them until they’ve sorted everything out.

“You know, Matteo,” she starts, and Matteo doesn’t really want to hear it, doesn’t want to acknowledge his anxieties even though he’s just admitted to them.

“Being in a relationship isn’t just about learning about them, it’s just as much as learning about yourself, and accepting yourself.”

She pauses, and he thinks his breathing sounds too loud in the quiet room, too revealing. As if she can’t already read him well enough, she takes a deep breath, not saying anything, until he mimics her, taking deeper and deeper breaths.

“What are you thinking?”

“It’s just,” he breathes in, “it doesn’t make sense. ”

“Being loved by someone?”

“No, or, just… by him, I guess.”

There’s a pressure over his chest as the words come out, and he can feel himself pressing his fingertips into his own palms, not enough to hurt but just enough to feel the pressure.

He thinks this is the most bare he’s ever felt.

“I think, maybe, you need to accept that people love you. A lot of people, even, not just a partner.”

Without warning, he thinks about his parents.

It feels cliché, because he’s at his therapist’s, and they haven’t even mentioned them today, but he still thinks about everything that went unsaid growing up, and then, even more so after his dad left.

He thinks, maybe, she can sense the way his thoughts wander, because she follows his every movement with her eyes, traces his fidgeting hands, the way he shifts a little in his seat.

More than anything, he wants to hide.

He doesn’t know where, he just wants the comfort of not being seen, not having to think or express himself or deal with the way his body is suddenly aching, and fuck, he can feel his eyes slowly starting to burn.

“I think you’re very brave,” his therapist tries, but he can’t look up at her, not yet. Still, she continues.

“Being in a relationship forces you to be vulnerable, and opening up, and I think you’ve already gotten a lot of practice at that from putting up with me.”

Her joke at the end almost forces him to face her, if anything just because he wasn’t expecting it. He knows his eyes are watery, and he knows she can see it, but she acts like they’re not. 

He takes a deep breath again, earning him a small smile, before trying to piece his thoughts together into something resembling anything coherent.

“It’s just… everything’s so much. ”

At that, she nods, as if it actually makes sense.

“Yes, but at least, you’re still trying.”

He shrugs, still feeling his body aching, in the same way it does whenever he’s had a breakdown, his head pulsing slightly.

 “Yeah.”

Matteo finds himself in David’s bed that night, despite their tendency to end up at Matteo’s, and as soon as they lie down together, he makes sure to breathe in David’s scent for a little bit longer than usual. If David notices, he doesn’t mention it; his smile just grows a little wider as his hand traces the shell of Matteo’s ear.

“I thought about you all day” David mumbles, and it sounds raw, as if he’s not aware he’s actually saying it out loud.

“Yeah?”

Matteo shifts a little, so his nose is pressed into David’s chest.

“Mm. I kept imagining seeing you swimming, without having to keep an eye on everyone else there, and not having to pretend I’m not watching you.”

His words catch him off guard, and Matteo can’t help the laugh that escapes him before he nudges David with his forehead.

“That sounds creepy” he teases, trying to hide just how affected he gets by just hearing David’s voice, hearing him thinking out loud.

“Fuck off, you know what I meant” David argues, and Matteo makes a poor attempt at trying to push him away, resulting in David holding him down.

Matteo can’t help but breathing heavily as David press down his thumbs in the skin of Matteo’s upper arms, all while refusing to look away from Matteo’s face.

“You really like me, huh” Matteo tries, but the joke falls flat as his voice almost trembles, and fuck, he once again feels so seen as David still doesn’t look away.

“Yeah, I really do” David agrees, and then, they’re kissing, in a way that’s somehow heavier than they’ve done before.

Matteo is still trapped under David, but he doesn’t mind; he just closes his eyes and lets David’s hands wander, not even trying to move when his arms are free from David’s grip. He can sense David’s fingertips slowly moving over his stomach, then over his chest, making small circles in his skin, and he doesn’t protest when David’s suddenly grabbing his shirt and moving it over his head - instead, Matteo raises his arms enough to get the shirt off, until his chest is bare, and David is immediately leaving kisses on the exposed skin, as if he’s never had access to it before.

Then, suddenly, his movements turn slow, tentative, and Matteo just holds his face in his hands for a while, wanting David’s gaze to meet his.

“Can I… take care of you?”

He’s not aware he’s saying it until he can see the look changing on David’s face, biting his lip before nodding, still moving slowly.

“Yeah.”

They both lean into the kiss that follows, and in the beginning, they’re more or less wrestling each other, until David’s on his back, letting Matteo put his hands at the side of his stomach, slowly stroking the soft skin there. 

Then, Matteo leans in closer, leaving small kisses as he moves further down, and then, David’s hand is on his, moving them both to the waistband of his boxers. Instead of letting his fingers trace the skin beneath it, Matteo looks up, making sure David’s okay, and the look he’s giving him is enough for Matteo’s body to feel electrified, glowing with static.

As his hands wander, gently figuring out where to touch, he moves up enough for them to kiss, and he can feel David’s breath hitch into their kiss, his body tremble against Matteo’s. It’s more than anything he’s ever dreamt of, and still, it’s real, and happening to him.

Afterwards, David drags him into his arms, holding him so close Matteo thinks they’ll mould together, and it feels so safe, as if nothing could touch them. David’s body is still shaking slightly, and he’s still taking deep, slow breaths, forcing Matteo to close his eyes to not get too overwhelmed.

“Matteo,” David breathes out, after having been silent long enough for Matteo to think he’d fallen asleep.

“Mm?”

David strokes his hair again, and he must feel the sweat on Matteo’s forehead, but he still plants a kiss there before going back to carding through his hair. The sensation is so soothing that he knows he’ll fall asleep if they stay like this, so Matteo shifts a little, just enough to be able to see David’s face properly, giving him his undivided attention.

“I never thought I’d have this.”

If it weren’t for their close proximity, Matteo thinks he wouldn’t be able to make out the words, barely audible despite the quiet of the room.

“Me neither” he whispers, because it’s true.

David nods, but there’s something in his eyes, making Matteo think there’s something more to it, something else than their usual midnight confessions. 

“It’s like… I used to think I had to fix everything first. Like, with me.”

Matteo wants to argue, but he knows David needs to say this, so he doesn’t. Instead, he makes sure to gently trace the hairs on David’s arms, dark against Matteo’s pale skin.

“I just… I had this idea that I had to fully transition, and have surgery, and the right documents and all that stuff, before I could do anything else, or like… be with someone.”

“Yeah.” Matteo hums, mostly to show he’s still listening, that he’s still there.

“But… I don’t know, I just saw you, and then… you liked me, even though...”

David’s voice dies out, and Matteo feels like his own words aren’t enough, so instead, he kisses him, briefly, reassuringly.

And David doesn’t move, doesn’t try to finish his sentence; he just breathes slowly as he deepens their kiss, moving his hand to the nape of Matteo’s neck, until they’re holding each other tightly again, with Matteo hiding his face in the hoodie covering David’s shoulder.

“I love you, either way” Matteo mumbles, because he needs David to understand, needs him to realise that it’s unconditional, even though he’s still trying to process being loved that same way.

“I love you, too” David whispers, holding Matteo a bit more tightly before falling asleep, with Matteo’s nose still pressed against him, breathing him in.

When Matteo wakes up, it’s to the sensation of being too warm, and as he blinks to make the room become a bit clearer, he can feel the itch of a blanket draping him. Looking around, he realises the duvet has somehow ended up on the floor, and when he shifts in bed so that he’s on his side, the sight of David makes his face feel even more overheated.

His skin is basically glowing where the morning light touches it, making it look like melted gold, and he’s just in his sleep shirt and boxers, with a small gap revealing the skin of his hip. He’s with his back towards Matteo, and his breathing is slow and steady, making Matteo feel a little bad for wanting to disturb him. Still, he shuffles a bit closer, leaving just a small space between their bodies, before reaching out and poking his shoulder, then his side, until David shifts a little.

“Mmm.” 

“Daaavid.” Matteo leans in, close enough to nudge David’s arm with his forehead, and David lets out a disturbed noise before turning around, his eyes still closed.

“What” he mutters, seemingly nowhere near being ready to get up. 

His eyelashes are dark against his face, and Matteo almost forgets about annoying him as he stares at them for a while, slowly counting them until David stirs again.

“Daviiid” Matteo repeats, just loud enough to not be a whisper, but David still makes a sound as if Matteo’s being unreasonably loud, and fuck it, Matteo can’t help but poking him in the side again, right where he knows David is a bit ticklish.

“What do you want?”

Suddenly, David is looking at him, eyes fully open and with a look of annoyance, with just traces of sleep at the corners. The attention feels heavy on him, and he doesn’t know how to say that he just wanted him in a way that wouldn’t make David roll his eyes at him, so he keeps quiet, just staring back at David’s face.

“I’m hungry” he mumbles, even though it’s not really true, because in the end, it feels like the most justifiable reason for waking him up in the first place.

“Jesus.” 

David does, in fact, roll his eyes, but there’s a certain fondness to it, making Matteo think it’s not that bad, after all.

“Alright,” David starts, his hands moving slowly over Matteo’s arm, despite the heat rising off both of them. “What do you want, then? I don’t think we have that much.”

Matteo just shrugs, his brain not awake enough to make decisions about anything, really, before he rolls over to grab David’s arm, forcing their bodies together.

“I want a kiss” he mumbles, with David already struggling to get him off, but the words seem to make his arm weaken a little, and Matteo leans in, kissing the side of his mouth.

“You’re too warm” David complains, but his eyes are shining, making Matteo grin at the statement before kissing him again, then rolling away just before David can try to slap him.

“I’m hungry” Matteo whines, louder than before, actually sensing the hunger in his stomach this time, and despite the possibility of Laura being home, he just puts on a t-shirt before heading out to the kitchen, not even waiting for David to follow him.

It’s empty, and he stands there for a bit before opening the fridge, trying to find out if there’s any juice he can take his meds with. As he reaches down to where he can spot a packet of orange juice, he feels David’s warm hand gently grabbing his sides, gracing the skin where his t-shirt rides up a little, and he almost stumbles back when he closes the fridge again.

“Hi” David mumbles into the back of his shirt, breathing into the fabric, and Matteo closes his eyes, overwhelmed with the love coursing through him.

“Uh… food?” he tries, making David chuckle at him, before turning around to the cupboard to find out what’s there.

“Mm… we have bread, and cereal… not sure we have milk, though.”

They end up eating bread with some leftover hummus that Laura’s friend had brought for the weekend, and even though Matteo still feels a bit too hot as the May sun shines through the window, they both grab a cup of coffee, sipping slowly, like they’re suspended in time.

Afterwards, David has a lecture, which Matteo had not really forgotten but just hadn’t really thought about until he says he has to take a shower and get ready, making Matteo a bit unsure of where to go. 

Before David heads to the bathroom, though, he insists that Matteo can stay at the flat if he wants, and they can meet up later, and there’s something so simple in his words that Matteo just nods as David gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

At first, Matteo just stays in the kitchen, finishing his coffee and making sure he’s actually taken his meds today. Then, he walks around the flat, circling the living room and noticing small things he hasn’t really paid attention to before - a new plant, an old tin can that functions as storage for some markers and pencils, a notepad with Laura’s illegible handwriting on it.

Eventually, he gets restless, though, and the empty apartment feels too confining, with the sun highlighting the dust sitting on the furniture. Maybe it’s a combination of not wanting to be alone, and the coffee kicking in, or maybe he’s just having one of his good days; either way, Matteo heads back to David’s room, an instead of falling back onto the bed, breathing in the scent lingering on David’s pillows, he gets dressed.

As he grabs his backpack from the hallway, having already cleaned up the small coffee stain that was left after breakfast, Laura enters the flat, making a surprised noise but still smiles as she takes off her headphones.

“Hi,” she starts, as she puts away her keys, starting to look for something in her pockets.

“Hi, uh, I’m heading out” Matteo mumbles, and he hopes she doesn’t think it’s because of her.

“Alright, tell David to text me back, okay?”

Matteo can almost feel himself blushing at her (correct) assumption that he’s on his way to see him, despite having already spent last night and the entire morning together, but her smile is warm enough to make him just roll his eyes a bit at it, before nodding in response.

“Yeah, sure.”

He goes by the small convenience store just a block from David’s place, making sure he’s playing one of his more soothing feel-good playlists as he makes his way there. When he gets there, he doesn’t really think, just picks up whatever he thinks - or knows - David will like, before paying and shoving the things down in his backpack. He’s not stressed out, this time; it just feels mundane, and realising he’s a bit bored more than anything else makes a smile tug a little at his mouth.

As he walks towards the closest bus stop, the sun warm against his back, he checks his phone, noticing it’s not that long until David should be done. Then, as he reaches the stop, realising it’s ten minutes until the next bus, he texts him.

To: David

Meet me here?

He quickly sends another one, attaching the first picture that comes up when he types in the name of the bus stop closest to campus, before pocketing his phone again.

Matteo only has to wait for another ten minutes at the other bus stop before he sees him, his dark hair ruffled a bit by the wind. His smile as he sees Matteo is curious, and as soon as he gets close enough, Matteo leans in to kiss him.

David looks at him as they part, his eyes still curious but his smile almost humoured by the situation. 

“What’s here?”

“I’m here” Matteo deadpans, but he’s smiling too widely for it to have any effect, and David elbows him in the side.

“Fuck off.”

He’s smiling too, though, so widely that Matteo isn’t sure what to say next, just wanting to keep David’s soft grin and warm eyes for a while.

“I thought we could go somewhere” he mumbles, when they’ve been standing there a bit too long for it to make any sense, just looking at each other under the afternoon sun.

“Okay” David nods, as if he’s trying to figure out what’s up, but not really wanting to ask for clues just yet.

“Cool” Matteo agrees, also nodding, and as the next bus approaches, he gestures to David to get on it, following him to the back of it.

“You’re not gonna ask where we’re going?”

David closes his eyes for a second, and Matteo needs to breathe just due to sitting next to him, their legs pressed together.

“I’m guessing you won’t tell me anyway.”

He’s not annoyed, though, or if he is, he doesn’t show it. 

“Nah, not really” Matteo agrees, earning him a gentle kick, making them both laugh quietly.

“Ass.”

“Yeah, well” Matteo mumbles before quickly kissing his cheek, because he can’t really argue, but he can still try to be cute.

They end up on yet another bus, making David look a bit confused, but no less curious than before. It makes Matteo feel giddy, seeing him like this, knowing he’s not really the one of them to be spontaneous, or really do anything without getting David’s input first, always wanting to hear his opinions on things.

Still, it’s nice, the way David looks over at him from his seat by the window, resisting the smile that’s already on his lips, pretending to be indifferent about Matteo’s secrecy. Matteo sees right through it, though; he sees a hint of frustration from lack of control, can sense every effort David makes to hide it away, not showing it bothered him.

“We’re getting off at the next one” he mumbles, and David’s eyebrows raise in surprise before he can hide his expression, and turn it into something less excited.

“Alright” he shrugs, and Matteo just kisses the side of his temple before shaking his head, smiling widely before getting off the bus.

It’s nothing special, really; it’s just a lake a bit outside of town, with trees surrounding it enough to make it feel a bit secluded, secret almost. There is a patch of sand almost forming a thin half moon shape, and even though people don’t really come here to swim, you could, if you wanted to. There are just better places for it, he supposes, more suitable for families and tourists than this specific place.

“I swear, if you push me in...” David starts, giving him a dark look telling him he’s dead serious, and Matteo just smiles at him before he gives him a reassuring kiss.

“I won’t, I promise.”

“Mm.”

They end up at a patch of grass, right where it meets the sand, and David shuffles a bit, something restless following his movements.

“I used to go here with Laura, before.”

“Really?” 

When he looks over at him, David has his eyes closed, letting the sun dance gently over his eyelids, making the skin glow.

“Yeah” he nods, then, he shuffles closer, until they’re practically entangled.

“How long ago?”

“A couple of years or so. Before I transitioned.”

“Hm.”

It feels like there’s more to the story, and Matteo assumes it is, there always will be; no matter what, there will still be parts of David that Matteo won’t get to see, not completely, in the same way David won’t get everything about him, no matter how many stories they’ll tell.

He remembers his backpack, or rather, the contents of it, and quickly grabs it from where he’s shoved it to the side, unzipping the largest compartment to reveal some crisps and drinks, and a chocolate bar he remembers hearing David discuss with Laura for some reason, claiming it was the superior one instead of whatever Laura preferred.

He can feel David’s eyes on him, can sense the smile directed his way, and he hides his own smile as he puts down the snacks between them, ending with the same bag of cherry candies David had brought on their first date. Seeing them in the store a few hours ago, it had felt obvious to buy them, but now, with David staring intently at him, Matteo can feel himself blush.

“Matteo.”

He refuses to look up, despite the warmth in his tone, and he doesn’t shift his gaze until David puts a hand on his chin, tilting his head a little.

“Thank you” he whispers, and Matteo melts as David leans in, kissing him softly, gently.

Before Matteo gets a chance to deepen it, or let himself fall into David’s chest, safe and warm, David moves away, snatching the bag of sweets. His smile is beaming.

“Fuck off” Matteo laughs, because he can’t even pretend to be annoyed, not when David’s eyes are glistening in the sun, and his face has a blush to it matching Matteo’s own.

David just laughs back, moving a hand through his own hair before offering the candy to him, looking at him as if it’s a peace offering.

“Danke.”

As they open a bag of crisps, David moves a bit so that Matteo can sit between his legs, and Matteo immediately re-positions himself, laying so that his back is pressed to David’s waist, his head against his chest.

“I think, maybe,” David starts, his voice low, almost disappearing into the back of Matteo’s head, “we could go swimming.”

“Really?”

It’s warm enough, sure, but it still catches him off guard, and David makes no attempt to move from his spot behind Matteo.

“Yeah, not like.. now, or anything, but… this summer, maybe.”

He shrugs, as if it’s no big deal. Still, Matteo shifts a little so that he can kiss his upper arm, mostly because it’s the closest spot he can find, and David’s hands automatically end up in his hair, carding it gently.

“Mm. If you want to.”

“I do.”

“Yeah?”

There’s an uncertainty to his voice, something Matteo can’t really place until he thinks about it for a moment; then, he realises the implications, spending the summer together, being together still. It feels overwhelming just how natural it feels, as if the two of them side by side is inevitable, a law of nature keeping the universe in place.  

“Yeah.”

He thinks about not having this, or rather, what it was like before he knew this was a possibility, and despite the dreamlike haze he’s in, he’s very aware that technically, most things in his life haven’t changed that much. Nothing has been fixed, not really; he’s still Matteo , with a brain that’s seemingly always ready to fight itself rather than cooperate, making him unable to do almost everything he should be doing, everything he knows he should be able to. 

Still, he thinks, with the sensation of David’s arm securely draped around him, now, it feels like things could be fixed, and somehow, he won’t be alone.