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Chapter Text

When Sakura wakes up in her twelve-year-old body, she screams, loud and desperately. She screams and screams and screams because – fire everywhere, death everywhere and she couldn’t breathe and it’s just so painful.

Death comes quicker than you wish and Sakura Haruno does not drift away peacefully. A medical-nin is trained to avoid getting injured in any way, because if they are injured, then there would be nobody to heal the other members of their team. Sakura, who mastered the Strength of a Hundred Technique, fights in front lines and the medical tents.

No medic ninja shall ever die until they are the last of their platoon, and Sakura keeps healing until there is no one left to heal. She keeps fighting, because beneath her lies women and men who fought valiantly but now lay slain. Each dawn she awakes for them and faces the storm.

(Several years have rotted away and she has never felt so alone.)

She wanted to fight until there were no enemies left, but in the end, she ended up with deep gashes in her legs, arms and neck. Six broken ribs and a collapsed lung. Severe intra-abdominal bleeding. A crushed spleen. Perhaps a subdural hematoma too, she had certainty hit her head hard enough to earn one.

The accumulation of those injuries could have killed her given enough minutes,but Uchiha Madara was impatient and cut her head off.

Huh.

How odd that she could still scream without a head.

Her hands touch her neck, head and body, all still attached together. She continues creams, because it’s not her body. It has none of her scares, her muscles or her efforts. Screams and screams and screams because something – everything was wrong.

“..ku!”

“..eeti-….poor…Sak-“

She died, so why is she breathing? Could she just…stop?

She wraps her hands around her neck, infusing chakra and then –

Sakura closes her eyes and sees Naruto there on the front line. Full of life, shining so brightly, that she and everyone else hung on to him with everything they had. Sakura’s eyes are too foggy to see the light, her mind too cluttered to think right, but Naruto is a force of nature that is impossible to ignore.

Bang!

Then, screams.

Bang!

It was such an awful sound.

Naruto yells loudly, “I'm not gonna run away, I never go back on my word!” drowning out the sound of death and pain for just a moment. God, how she loves him for it.

Sakura wakes up again, but at the same time, she doesn’t. Sitting on the bed, Sakura breathes purely out of reflexes and observes the world, confused. She doesn’t know how much time has elapsed, her perception feels strange. Much like her mind. She sees things that are not there, because she shouldn’t be there. The same scene plays each day. Her (not) mother helps her eat her breakfast, sometimes she would also clean Sakura’s body, slowly as if afraid any sudden movement would make her screech in terror (it would). Then her (not) father sits her in a wheelchair and pushes her around outside the garden for a couple of hours, so she can benefit from the fresh air or something.

It didn’t feel real, so Sakura didn’t respond. She hopes that if she ignores the oddness around her, it would just fade away. That she would just fade away. She feels calm only when she is back in what appears to her room, under several covers, safe from everything.

Sakura rocks back and forth when the routine changes. The door to her room opens, slowly, as if the person on the other side hesitates to enter. A young girl arrives, with long (pretty) blonde hair worn in a ponytail and kind eyes.

It takes a moment before Sakura’s eyes manage to focus, to identify what the lines and shapes and colors before her mean. The name is on the tip of her tongue, but it won't come out.

The girl stands in the doorway and watches her for a moment that seems to stretch on forever. Then, softly, the blonde says, “….billboard brow?”

Sakura blinks a few times. Finally, she whisperers: “Go away” in a weak tone as she slowly turns the other way and cuddles under her sheets. It was the first words she had said since – since dying.

But, Ino never liked being ignored, so she tries again, less careful, “Hey…I thought I already explained that trying to hide is stupid when you have a billboard brow.”

It was a poor attempt at humor, lacking Ino’s usual fire when insulting Sakura, far too half-heartedly. And yet, it sounds so real. Sakura shifts slightly and peers out at her through her sheet. Ino rewards her with a smile, a strange mixture between uncertainty and smugness colors it.  Her old friend makes her way to the bed, sitting down at the edge. Close enough for Sakura to feel her presence, close enough to touch.

“You look ridiculous,” Ino says, “Absolutely ridiculous, Sakura.”

Ino visits her every day after that. She talks a lot, even though Sakura rarely responds. The blonde complains about her lazy teammates, her sensei and the weather. Sometimes she gushes about the newest fashion or cute boys she has seen. Ino laughs and jokes, Sakura just nods his head, thankful that Ino’s voice is drowning the sound of the war – of Sakura’s death. She is graceful Ino keeps coming, but she doesn't quite realize it before Ino stops.

For two weeks, Sakura lies on her bed, getting more agitated by the minute, anxiously waiting…waiting and waiting. When Ino finally returns, Sakura throws her pillow at her. Then, her books, pens and anything she can get her hands on. Much like her first day in this prolonged death, Sakura screams. Only this time her words are actually formed, cruel and callous words. She calls Ino a traitor, a villain, a liar, and a hundred different cursing words so terrible that twelve-year-old girls shouldn’t know them.

Ino pets her head and sings her meaningless songs, cuddling safely under the bed sheets… and Sakura eventually falls asleep.

The next day, her room is filled with Orchids, Tulips and Carnations.

“Ino…I’m so sorry,” Sakura looks down, not able to meet Ino’s eyes.

Ino does not hesitate in forgiving her, “Me too, I didn’t think the mission would last this long.”

Biting her lips, Sakura strives to be worthy of that forgiveness, that endless kindness Ino keeps giving her. She forces a smile, “I’m the one who overreacted…pig.”

“Who're you calling a pig, you billboard brow?!" Ino grins immediately.

As the days and months pass by, Sakura grows accustomed to the odd state of being. She was still in the process of dying, she thinks, but things were different now. Before things had been… complicated … painful. Now, Ino was here, and Sakura remembers the way Ino's hair shined through the sunny day, and remembers how being with her washed away her fears. Sakura is dying and she is grateful her mind is conjuring up Ino.

It is in this state of contentment that reality came crashing back.  

Sakura’s (not) mother came to her room. “Sweetie, I need you to get dressed now,” she says, looking more anxious than Sakura ever remembers seeing her. Her (not) father is not there, and the smell of fire and blood fills the air.

Sakura’s breathing starts becoming more rapid. “Mother… W-What’s going on?” she asks her. Her mother smiles as she touches Sakura’s head. I love you , she mouths as the sound outside becomes louder and louder. Mrs. Haruno looks so gentle, so caring (so real). Sakura wants to nestle in her arms and be held like a child. Wants comfort and warmth, so badly she almost cries. She can’t remember the last time she cried in her mother’s arms (maybe when Sasu- he left?).

Sakura is in the process of dying – but she dies again, much earlier than her first life, when Orochimaru invades the village.

The roof of her house collapses upon them.

Sakura navigates through masses of rotting corpses carelessly piled atop each other. Their flesh was torn, wrecked and twisted; looking more like squashed insects than fallen humans. The foul, rotting stench of decay festered in the air, almost making Sakura’s stomach lurch and beckoning flies to cautiously hover in midair nearby.

Where is he? Please, please God, let him be alive.

The third-time Sakura wakes up in her twelve-year-old body, she is a little bit calmer, a little more rational. She brings her shaking hands together and whispers, “Kai,” and she says it again and again. She is still twelve, weak and in her childhood bedroom.

When she finally leaves her room, still scared and confused, her mother sends her a concerned glance, her father smiles absentmindedly - and suddenly Sakura wonders if she has the chance to make things right. She can save her parents and Ino and Sai - she can save the village, save the world, save Naruto.

Then she remembers a red moon and a lie cast upon the world. This could not be real. She would not allow herself to be enslaved in a dream, no matter how sweet it is. If there is even the slightest chance that she could still fight and kill her enemies, she would take it (even if I’m alone?).

She had to march on, because that was what soldiers did. Naruto would want her to fight (Naruto is gone, everyone is gone), so she had to.

There are several ways to combat genjutsu, the illusion technique dissipation wasn’t working, but maybe pain would. The Infinite Tsukuyomi is a powerful, powerful genjutsu and breaking it will not be easy. Sakura knows how the body works, knows how to heal, and how to break.

(The weapon of the mind, chiseled hard by blood, death and war)

“Sakura,” her mother says, “you okay sweetie?”

“She probably just worried about the Genin exam, isn’t that right?” her father says, as he looks up from reading the paper. He looks younger than she remembers, happier too. Once, before the war, he had joked that he had aged twice as fast this last year (because of her?).

Genin Exams. Sakura blinks. Oh. She was not a genin yet. Good, she is not certain if this fabricated world follows the same rules as her, but leaving the village is a lot easier without the Missing-Nin- stamp.

Pain is the way out, and the moment Sakura puts some distance between her and disturbing elements, she experiments. 

Kunai-stabs probably wouldn’t do anything, Sakura knows this, but she tries anyway. Being crushed alive didn’t break her free either, so she avoids similar stuff. First, she tries to see if simple sensations like fire or acid are enough to shock her out of this illusion. Then she tries more creative methods: ripping off her own nails, poison that scalds her genitals, heating up a softer metal until it is liquid, putting it in a bowl, and then pouring it inside her own ear canal. It burns off the flesh inside her ear, making her deaf and disfigured on that side. Gouging her own eyes out. Unfortunately, while she is knowledgeable enough to avoid dying of the infection, she is in too much pain to fight off the bear. Note to herself, being eaten alive doesn’t work either.

The inferno is extinguished, leaving behind a dark residue that infested the soil with blood and sorrow. No longer could the clangor of the kunai be heard and the shouting of the slaughter was silenced; a hush rested over the crimson-stained field.

In the midst of the mass destruction, slaughter and ruin, a lone boulder stretches defiantly towards the sky. And beneath it, a body, still; as in death. Naruto lies like a doll over the ground, limbs at awkward angles and head held in such a way that he cannot be sleeping. That figure, once the sun of Sakura’s existence, is now an abandoned shell left to rot in the open.

She steps closer and barely notices her own sanity dissolving into the surrounding darkness.

A man, with blood and chaos swirling in eyes, regards her. He does not move, almost as still as Naruto. His sword is dripping with blood and he looks a little annoyed that Sakura is here, interrupting.

Then again, Sasuke always looks a little annoyed when he is looking at her.

The fourth-time Sakura wakes up on the eve of her Genin exam, she feels furious.

(I built shrines in my eyes to you)

And this time, it was not herself she intended to kill.

Chapter Text

Sakura was no stranger to insanity, she had brushed past it often enough in her work, curing and inducing it in unequal measures. Yet, it had never been something she had seriously applied when describing herself. As she grew older, she became more aware that her folly lied in her capacity of self-deception, which had led her to love senselessly and dangerously. Her crush on Sasuke, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say her crush on the idea of Sasuke, had been far from sane. She regretted how she had allowed it to mutate her heart for so many years, but she could proudly say that she learned from it and grew past it.

Sakura is a rational, level-headed and sensible person.

And yet, she felt something was slipping right now, and she was almost falling – would certainly fall if she didn’t grip something.

She had died and died and died and died . Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Sakura Haruno was not insane. So, she needed to consider the two other options; she either was stuck in a genjutsu or stuck in time.

She has already explored the genjutsu option, but her past efforts only allowed her to conclude that if this was a genjutsu, it was very hard to escape. Her knowledge in the art was admittedly limited, despite her innate talent, she never really got the chance to study it thoroughly. She doubted this genjutsu would include instructions on how to break free from it, but she still made a mental note to investigate it later.

If this was real, if she was truly back in time…. a part of Sakura wanted nothing more than to tear down the village to search for Naruto, throw her arms around his shoulders and protect him from all that wanted to hurt him, but the other part of her was absolutely terrified by the idea. Time-travel was not possible and this time-loop reeked of torture.

She should not get her hopes up.

However, genjutsu or not, killing Sasuke could only be beneficial, to her mood and the world.  

A white-hot searing fever coursed through her veins and pushed her forward even as her body protested. Sweat rolled down her skin in thick, salty beads. A tendril of pink hair had come loose from her coiled braids and clung damply to her neck, it made her skin itch and her irritation surge. Her breathing was rough and ragged, and she felt her heart pounding so hard in her chest that she was half amazed her sternum hadn’t cracked open.

Between the pain and the numbness spreading from her feet, it was obvious that she was reaching her limit. Exhausted, Sakura hoisted herself onto a window on a civilian apartment building, it was just wide enough to perch on. She tucked her head down behind her knees to muffle her irregular breathing – because she would hurl herself to the ground before failing so badly at stealth that civilians noticed her presence.

Pathetic. Utterly, infuriatingly, ridiculously pathetic.

At this rate, she would kill herself long before she ever reached Sasuke’s apartment.

How could her stamina possibly be this horrible? Sure, she had been moving relatively fast, but she had channeled a generous amount of chakra to her legs to lessen the strain on her muscles, and yet she was nowhere near covering a quarter of the needed ground. Not to mention how many times she had come close to falling off those buildings she was jumping between because she kept misjudging the reach of her legs.

Sakura inwardly screamed at her body for a minute: her small, weak twelve-year old body.

If this truly was a genjutsu, which Sakura was beginning to hope it was, she would kindly tell the creator that he/she has greatly exaggerated Sakura’s pre-genin weakness, right after she beat the living daylights out of them, of course.

(“You are terrifying,” Naruto grinned down at her, poking her cheek with his toe, “very, very terrifying, Sakura-chan!”)

Sakura inhaled and breathed out slowly, relaxing as she did so. Naruto was damn right. She is terrifying and, genjutsu or not, she would kill her enemies. If her body wasn’t up for the task yet, then her mind would have to pick up the slack.

Charging into Sasuke’s apartment and murdering him in cold blood would probably earn her a private audience with Ibiki Morino. The thought brought a shiver that coursed down her body. Not to mention how degrading it would be to be tortured by her own village for killing a traitor like Sasuke. No, murdering Sasuke would have to wait until she was certain she could get away with it. Sakura is a rational, level-headed and sensible person. Therefore, she would not rush into something before thinking it through.

After returning home to shower and change clothes, Sakura hurried to the academy, barely making it in time for the exam. Even with aching muscles and mild chakra exhaustion, she predictably did better on the exam this time.

Her teachers congratulated her warmly and handed her a forehead protector, which did not fail to invoke a small sense of accomplishment despite Sakura being a veteran ninja who have gone toe to toe with legends. Perhaps it was because the forehead protector was a symbol of her fealty to the village. It felt good to have it again, although she hadn’t realized she missed it before clutching it in her hands again.

She beamed at Mizuki-sensei, a savage and bloodthirsty grin that displayed her teeth, “I vow to serve faithfully and…slaughter anyone who doesn’t.”

Mizuki-sensei blinked, visibly uncertain on how to react to her declaration. She skipped away happily before he could gather his wits enough to reply. She raced down the hall, hoping to catch Ino before her friend met up with her family.  

Fortunately, Sakura spotted the familiar blonde ponytail, swinging from side to side, just outside of the academy.

“Ino! Wait up,” Sakura forced herself to jog, ignoring how her legs screamed in protest.

The blonde turned around, placing a hand on her hips and glaring at Sakura, “What.”

For a split second, Sakura felt deeply hurt and confused, why was Ino acti- oh. Not for the first time and certainly not the last, Sakura inwardly cursed Sasuke…and herself. Right. Rivals. Ending precious friendships over a guy. Still, deservingly or not, it felt wrong to have Ino glaring at her like this.

An urge to please and impress Ino (not unlike the one Sakura felt when she was child) rushed through Sakura, making words leave her mouth in a clumsy manner, “Well...umm, I-I was hoping that, maybe, seeing as we are kunoichis now…I was hoping we could…” Sakura trailed off lamely.

Ino frowned, a confused look entering her eyes, “We could what?”

Sakura glanced down, embarrassed at how much of a wreck she was acting. This was ridiculous. Straightening her back, Sakura said, “I was hoping we could be friends again.”

“Are you joking?” Ino shot her an incredulous look, “You want to be friends again?”

The sheer disbelief made Sakura wince. Tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear, Sakura spoke quietly, “We’re entering a dangerous occupation from today on. It has made me realize that I could lose you, “ Sakura resolutely pushed down the horrid memories that attempted to surge up, “and I don’t want either of us to leave this world without – I want you know that I’ll raze those who would dare to hurt you to the ground.”

“…wow, that pretty dark, billboard brow,” Ino shook her head, “and presumptuous, as if I would die first,” she bit her lower lip, her eyes examining Sakura, “What about Sasuke?”  

“You are more important,” Sakura said, honestly, she considered trash cans more important than Sasuke, but she omitted saying that much in fear of shocking her friend too much.

Ino was silent for a moment, her face carefully blank, before a small smile bloomed on her face, “I can’t argue against that.”

Sakura grinned and offered her hand, “Friends?”

“How about almost-friends, I would like a free trial period, so I can assess your reliability and decide if I want to fully invest again,” Ino said as she took her hand, her tone was teasing, but Sakura wouldn’t blame Ino for harboring doubts.

Still, she casted Ino a mischievous smile as she spoke, “I hope the trial includes favors, because I was hoping you could give me haircut.”

Sakura entered the classroom leisurely the next day, instinctively tilting her head to dodge an object falling from the door. The eraser landed on the floor with a white puff. She blinked, belatedly remembering that it had been part of Naruto’s prank.

“Sakura-chan!” Naruto yelled in equal parts excitement and bewilderment, “You’re late! Iruka-sensei was very worried, ´cause you are never late and Sasuke thought you were having cold feet, but I didn’t believe it, and I told him so. Can you believe we have to be on the same team as him? Wait, you weren’t here for the announcement, the three of us are teammates,” Naruto paused, looking at her with big blue eyes, “you cut your hair!”

Something warm curled up inside Sakura, happy and loud, and it softened the edges of her smile as she looked at Naruto. And at that moment, she couldn’t help but pray that this was real. She had truly missed her little ray of sunshine. It felt unbearably cruel to consider him an illusion, especially when he moved to circle around her in a comedic fashion that was so Naruto – his arms were flailing in all directions as he looked at her hair.

Unable to resist, she reached out a hand to clap his shoulder, so that she could feel him as well as see and hear him. Naruto’s body tensed and he glanced at her with something that looked too much like panic. Her heart tightened and she hated, hated everything that had contributed to him reacting like that (including herself). With a sad smile, Sakura said, “It looks nice, right?”

Naruto quickly nodded his head, “You always look pretty Sakura-chan,” his smile brilliant and earnest and familiar and well-creased like an often marked page of a favorite book. Sakura was so glad to see it again.

“Thank you, Naruto-kun,” Sakura squeezed his shoulder before letting go, her eyes flicking to the other occupant of the classroom.

Sasuke was sitting at the front desk next to the door with his hands clasped tight together and his knuckles resting on his chin. He looked as unimpressed and broody as she remembered. She stared, fury and hatred narrowing her world down to only him in a short moment. He glanced away unaffected, clearly not finding anything suspicious about Sakura staring at him. She briefly entertained the idea of convincing Sasuke that her love-sick behavior so far actually was homicidal impulses disguised as a crush.

“-hy are you late?” Naruto asked.

She returned her attention to him, smiling sweetly, “I had a little accident this morning, nothing serious, but it caused me a lot of delays.”

Because as much as Sakura had missed Ino, getting her haircut was not the true reason she had invited herself to Yamanaka house. She had limited ninja equipment, her kunais and shurikens were dainty little things that desperately needed sharpening and she only owned three explosive tags. Sometimes, Sakura wondered how she ever survived leaving the village, even with her teammates' help.

Ino had a wonderful collection of poisonous flowers, and her home had the necessary equipment to extract poison and antidotes. Much of the afternoon had been spent giggling and preparing a half decent kit. Also, antidote or not, immunity against the poison you carry is fundamental, thus Sakura being late.

Naruto accepted her explanation, moving to place the eraser back between the door and its frame again. He cheerfully explained that prank, voicing that she was awesome for not falling for it, but that he hoped to get their new sensei.

Sasuke scoffed, “If Sakura didn’t fall for it, there is no way any self-respecting shinobi would either.”

Of course, Kakashi-sensei completely lacked self-respect (the man read porn in public) and only smiled benignly underneath his mask when the eraser hit his head. The silver-haired man even allowed Naruto a moment to laugh unrestrainedly and loudly before proclaiming he hated them all and to meet him on the roof.

Sakura rocked back and forth on her heels, considering the unconcerned manner Sasuke had insulted her, like he didn’t expect her to take offense. He probably hadn’t meant it to be insulting, no, because that would require him to give her a certain amount of consideration. Sasuke never really thought about her when hurting her. She was just collateral, too insignificant to warrant even intent.

I will kill you and eat you raw , Sakura thought, before opening a window and walking up the building. Naruto’s astonished shouting quickly reached her ears.

Chapter Text

Kakashi-sensei tilted his head when Sakura finally reached the roof - the only sign of surprise the man allowed to slip through his usually nonchalant appearance. He was perched on the railing not far from where she was standing, holding a Icha Icha book and seemingly very engrossed in its pages. Despite the trembling in her muscles, Sakura elegantly flipped herself over the railing, biting back the low whimper of pain that was climbing up her throat.

A few seconds passed before Sakura realized Kakashi-sensei had no intention of acknowledging her presence. So, with forced casualness, she sat down. She was uncertain how much time passed before Naruto and Sasuke arrived, but she was knew that she saw Kakashi-sensei briefly glancing down at her in puzzlement from the corner of her eye.

It was a testimony to how well she knew the man that she could immediately interpret that brief look; he was impressed that she had remained silent. Between that and her casual use of Chakra Adhesion, he must be re-evaluating his opinion of her. Which, despite not having exchanged a single word with her, was undoubtedly low since she was kunoichi with no clan background.

Sakura never really succeeded in convincing herself that her teacher thought of her as someone worthwhile, seeing as he never invested time in training her, but at least she got good at pretending like it didn’t hurt, so there was that.

“SAKURA-CHAN!” Naruto's loud yelling interrupted her self-pity session, the blonde boy ran towards her with a wide grin, “that was aaaaaamazing! You can walk up walls like grown-up ninja, you know, like those with the masks that keep butting in my pranks! That’s so super cool!”

“Thank you,” she smiled at him even though his yelling made her ears hurt.

Naruto alternated between singing her praise and loudly speculating just how many pranks he could pull off with such an ability. Watching him jumping up and down, Sakura was acutely reminded that he would summon frogs at one point and fought the urge to laugh.

Sasuke’s dark gaze lingered on her for a while before he said, in a rather accusing manner, “We didn’t learn that in the academy.”

Coolly, she met his eyes, “Very observant.”

He narrowed his eyes at her.

She smirked.

Naruto’s head darted back and forth between them as if watching a ping-pong match, letting out a confused; “Eh, eh, ehhhh?”

Kakashi-sensei cleared his throat, what was visible of his face crinkled up in a smile as he said, “Ah, young love.”

It was hard to determine which one of them that looked most outraged, but Naruto was certainly the one that protested the loudest. Sakura sent Kakashi-sensei a truly venomous glare, which he was unfairly unbothered by.

“So, let’s move on to the introductions, “ the older man said cheerfully, “Likes, dislikes, hobbies and dreams about the future?”

Naruto went first,  “I’m Naruto Uzumaki! What I like is ramen, especially the kind at the Ichiraku Ramen shop. What I dislike is the three-minute wait after you pour in the boiling water. My hobbies are eating different types of ramen and comparing them. And my dreams...my dream is to be the next Hokage!” Naruto finished the declaration by jumping up and pointing a finger to the sky, “And I’m going to get the whole village to acknowledge my existence.”

Her heart clenched in her chest – in anger and in pain, because that was a ridiculous depressing thing to say, yet Naruto proclaimed cheerfully.

“My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I have a lot of dislikes, but no likes in particular. What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality: I’m going to restore my clan and kill a certain man.”

Silence greeted Sasuke’s statement, much like it did in Sakura’s memories, but the boy himself seemed unaffected by it. For a split-second, Sakura could have sworn he shot her a challenging look, one saying ‘try topping that’, but while Sakura could buy Sasuke being that petty, she could also admit her dislike might be warping her vision.

And yet, when Naruto and Kakashi-sensei turned to her expectantly, she felt almost obligated to say something impressive. Lifting her head high, she gave them a sharp smile, “I’m Sakura Haruno. I like puzzles and reading, I hate traitors. My hobbies consist of doing what I like. My dream…,” she trailed off, because ‘breaking free of this potential genjutsu’ was not an answer she wanted to share, “my dream is to become the world’s greatest genjutsu master.”

Kakashi-sensei tilted his head again, and this time Sakura couldn’t help feeling a little uneasy.

But it proved unnecessary, for Kakashi-sensei moved on to talking about his test for them tomorrow. The words ‘sixty six present failure rate’ and ‘don’t eat breakfast’ lingered ominously in the air, at least for Naruto and Sasuke. Sakura, on the other hand, felt an idea take root.

She turned towards Naruto the second Kakashi-sensei disappeared. Smiling brightly, she asked, “Do you want to join me to prepare for tomorrow? I can teach you Chakra Adhesion."

Naruto nodded so eagerly she was half-worried his head would fall off, “Yeah! That is an awesome idea, but, eh, charkram what?”

She blinked, observing Naruto’s bashful expression for a few seconds before remembering the abysmal education Naruto has been subjected to so far. Her fists clenched, but her expression softened, “Chakra Adhesion. It's how I walked up the wall.”

Naruto’s expression rippled – something fragile flashing in his eyes before disappearing again. He looked down, going still. “You would teach me that? Really?” Naruto asked quietly.

And Sakura couldn’t talk, she couldn’t even breathe in fear of worsening the pain in her chest, so she nodded.

When Naruto’s smile resurfaced, Sakura felt the pain wane, but not disappear. Guilt refused to leave her, especially when she had ulterior motives for her kindness. Naruto let out a joyful yell, and she allowed herself to bask in it.

Predictably, Sasuke intruded. The sullen Uchiha heir had been pretending he wasn’t watching them, weighing cons and pros of joining the conversation, and spoke when his annoyance tipped the scales, just as Sakura knew he would. “Hn. As if that would be enough for you two to pass.”

Naruto protested in outrage, “Teme! You’re just jealous because you can’t do it!”

The words made Sasuke’s face twitch, which Naruto definitely noticed, for he smugly continued, “Tomorrow you’ll be the only one of us that can’t do it.”

She forced back a smile. Naruto was playing his part so perfectly that one could be fooled into thinking he was in on her plan.

“Actually,” Sakura plastered a hopeful smile on her face, “I was thinking of asking if you want to join us Sasuke, it could be a team-bonding exercise.”

She ignored Naruto’s complaints on ‘why they had to include that bastard’ just as she ignored the impulse to roll her eyes when Sasuke agreed after an absurd performance of reluctance.

They head to a training ground not far from her home. It had plenty of trees they could practice on, and the proximity to her house meant she could bring food, which was all the convincing Naruto needed. She patiently explained the mechanism of the technique to Naruto on their way there and threw in some basic chakra information for good measure. Naruto listened eagerly and asked many questions once he realized she didn’t mind. Sasuke was mostly silent, only offering a few scathing comments on Naruto’s ignorance, which pissed Sakura off immensely.

Fortunately, her little ball of sunshine was not easily disheartened, but Sakura did not appreciate Sasuke sabotaging her attempts on creating a healthy learning environment where Naruto could feel secure in asking all the things he wondered.

The knowledge that Sasuke would soon be unable to do anything of that sort again was the only thing keeping her temper at bay.

Reluctantly, she agreed on a sparring session first, but only because it was Naruto who insisted. She tried hard not to be insulted when both of her teammates gave her identical surprised looks when she offered to go first.

“You don’t have to Sakura-chan, I don’t want you to ge-“ Naruto had enough sense to stop talking when her glare turned almost lethal.

Sasuke, on the other hand, possessed as much tact as he did compassion. He made a derisive sound and said, “Fine. Let’s get it over with.”

Sakura cracked her knuckles in reply, a sneer donning on her face. “Bring it on.”

Sakura had more experience fighting, more knowledge, more skills and more importantly, she wanted to hit Sasuke badly. However, it was easier said than done.

They assumed fighting positions, eying each other warily, though Sauske's gaze grew more arrogant the longer he looked at her. Gritting her teeth, Sakura decided to take the initiative. Channeling chakra to her legs, she quickly closed the distance between them, surprising Sasuke with fist rapidly moving towards his face. He nimbly side-stepped the attack, knocking her elbow aside, veering her off track, and his hand flashed down to hit the back of her neck in a blow that would end the match if she did not move.

She barely managed to roll out of the way.

The rosette gritted her teeth, her fist should have punched his face before he could even form a thought of attack, but the chakra channels in her body were underdeveloped. Too small and slow for her to direct chakra as she wished. It did not matter she knew how and where to direct it, nor that she had perfect control, because it meant nothing without enough practice to craft the necessary chakra pathways.

They traded blows, twirled around each other in a flurry of kicks and punches. Sakura was at a clear disadvantage. The only reason she hadn’t lost yet was because she could direct enough chakra to make up for most of her physical limitations and she could anticipate Sasuke’s moves.

A kick in the stomach sent her flying after she miscalculated her reach and she cursed her limbs for being too goddamn short. 

Sakura hated feeling weak, hated being weak even more. This body was an impractical mess of gangly limbs and soft skin, and it's every inadequacy made worse by the fact that it was hers. She had grown so used to belonging inside a trim muscular body with calloused hands and aching scars, so how could she possibly feel at home in such a crampy and delicate form?

Sharp pain ripped through her as she once again strained herself while pushing her body to do more. Abruptly, her skin felt too tight, memories of former strength and competence bursting inside her, ready to tear through skin if need be. And yet, the only thing that leaked out was her blood as she hit the ground once again.

It felt like she was fighting her body as well as Sasuke.

Said opponent was pinning her to the ground and the fact that he was breathing heavily was only a small comfort since she was gasping for air and every muscle in her body screamed in pain.

“Yield?” Sasuke asked, a kunai pressed against her throat.

She growled, but could not muster the breath to reply.

Naruto jogged towards them, his gaze shadowed with worry as he hovered over her, his concern obvious, “Sakura-chan, are you okay?”

She nodded, then reached out a hand so he could pull her up. He smiled brightly after pulling her back at her feet, “That was awesome! You really are amazing,” he said earnestly.

She forced herself to grin, “Not enough it would seem,” she poked his nose, “Avenge me, ‘kay?”

Naruto’s face immediately turned serious, he nodded grimly, “Teme will fall.”

Sakura left them to their battle, promising to bring food but doubt they heard her immersed as they were with bricking.

“Just..just wait a little.”

“Hehe, Sakura really did a number on you, neh?”

“Hn. I’m the one who won.”

And you should have killed me , Sakura thought, while you still had the chance.

Sakura walked home sluggishly, the adrenaline seeping out of her body and leaving her a tired husk. She hoped Naruto and Sasuke could keep each other entertained long enough. The mixture she was planning to make needed a little time. She had fortunately acquired all the flowers she needed when she visited Ino yesterday, seeing as this particular poison was one of her top candidates for her plan to deal with Sasuke.

It was technically not a poison, it was pretty harmless when digested in most cases. Few people knew how to arrange the circumstances that would make it lethal. Which would make it hard for anyone to trace it back to her. Not to mention it would take time before Sasuke died from it, thus less reason for anyone to suspect her.

Her hands felt clammy when she handed her teammates the lunch, and something close to anxiety churned in her stomach. The sound of their posturing and complaining almost drowned out her pounding heartbeat as she led them through the tree climbing exercise. She allowed them to carry on until twilight, chakra exhaustion amplified the toxicity of her poison, and if she allowed it to work bit by bit, soon Sasuke would be gone. She just needed to find ways to encourage him to engage in activities that stimulated growth of chakra passages. The breakdown of the enzyme produced by the cells to facilitate such processes will be slightly increased by her poison. Giving time to hold up in the blood, and reduce the capacitate of the liver, which is responsible for getting rid of those particular waste products, and bingo: death.

She would need to go on with this carefully, but she would not fail. She was not fully convinced she wasn’t in a genjutsu, but ridding this world of Sasuke would be a weight off her shoulders. This Naruto would never be killed by someone he considered his best friend, in fact, he would not be killed by anyone if Sakura had any say in it.

Exhausted, she fell into a fitful sleep that night. In her dreams, there was a lot of blood on her hands and her knuckles were dirty and gritty, and she never felt more herself. When the world morphed into nightmares, sickening in their simplicity, Sakura screamed and screamed because, because it's only her, completely alone with no one to hear her. She stumbled and dragged herself through an endless space, so isolated and so confused. When she finally found someone, a person who looked at her with the same startled disbelief burning inside her, she almost wept with joy.  

Her hand reached out but the touch that greeted her was cold and slippery. It took a few more attempts before she realized that she was touching a mirror, and even then, the disbelief only grew.

She could not recognize the confused woman staring back at her.  

The next day, Sakura walked through the village, every step echoing her heartbeats. She saw them in her head - people who are dead - that have been dead for a long time - causally inhabiting the space around her. They were painted into the landscape so impressively, with hands that clearly paid the greatest attention to the smallest details, that Sakura struggled to convince herself that it was nothing but an illusion.

Maybe it wasn’t.

Shaking her head, she tried to focus on the bell-test. Knowing that she would see Naruto and Sasuke was grounding. She was uncertain how she wanted to proceed with Kakashi-sensei’s test. Obviously, they would pass as long as they preached/acted according to the whole teammates and loyalty concept Kakashi-sensei pretended to care about.

He does care , a small voice in her head protested, but she was feeling rather uncharitable towards Kakashi-sensei, especially since that stupid philosophy contributed to team seven’s irresponsible insistence on reasoning to Sasuke. Though, to be fair, the whole fiasco had been a team effort.

Finally reaching the training ground, Sakura was surprised to see Kakashi-sensei already being there, on time. Naruto was sitting on the ground next to him. Her stomach turned in an unfriendly way as her eyes traced the line of Kakashi-sensei clenched jaw. She could tell, even from this distance, that his body was taut and muscles coiled.

Tension rose inside her with every step, but she could not pause, her body was moving on autopilot. Words crumbled to dust in her mouth when her feet reached his vicinity. He loomed over her like a tombstone, and she left whatever good cheer she had managed to muster today, shrivel up and die.

Her heart was beating so loud she was sure he could hear it. From the corner of her eye, she could see Naruto trembling.

Kakashi-sensei’s gaze weighted heavy on her when he said;

“Sasuke is dead.”

Chapter Text

Morning found Sakura fidgeting nervously in front of Ino’s bedroom mirror. She was dressed in black from head to toe and was feeling awfully uncomfortable. It was hard to say if this was because of the tight collar limiting her air, the puffiness of her skirt or the fact that her lace socks were making her ankles itch.

Probably all of it.

Or none of it, really.

From behind, Sakura heard the door creak open, and was unsurprised when she saw the reflection of Ino approaching her magnified. Ino’s long blonde hair was pulled up in a tight knot on the back of her head. It made her look older; her features sharper and cheekbones more prominent without the softening tumble of hair.

Sakura turned her head to smile at her, hoping to ease some of the sorrow clouding her friend’s face, “There is still time, right? It doesn’t start before eight.”

“It's more proper to be early than being on time in these kinds of events,” Ino said in a low, scarcely audible voice. The dim light in the bathroom deepened the shadows around her eyes and Sakura was reminded just how little her friend had slept these past three days. 

“Oh,” Sakura said, “then we should head out soon – if we want to make it in a proper time.”

Blue eyes roamed critically over her form, moving from one area to another in a thoughtful manner. In the end, Ino frowned and gestured for Sakura to sit down. When Sakura just blinked, Ino sighed and put a hand on Sakura’s shoulder, pushing down a little. Deferentially, Sakura sat down and crossed her legs.

Ino picked up a brush from the cabinet on their right. Their eyes meet in the mirror.

“You haven’t been to many funerals,” Ino said.

It was a statement, not a question, yet Sakura felt compelled to answer it, “Not recently.”

The fact that most of the funerals Sakura had attended were for people still alive made her feel a little lightheaded, but she could hardly share that with Ino. There were many things she couldn’t share with Ino, and Sakura couldn’t even begin to explain how lonely that made her feel.

Ino smiled at her, without any warmth, and began brushing her hair. A few seconds passed by before she spoke, a faint note of pain seeping from her voice, “Figures. Your outfit looks like you threw together every random black clothes you possessed, completely uncaring if it looked good.”

Well, black was hardly Sakura’s color. It made her look sickly pale and dull. Sakura shrugged.

“You look so uncomfortable,“ Ino tsked, and Sakura was a little startled by the remark. Sometimes, she forgot how observant Ino was, but never had that thought made her feel apprehensive before now.  “You can borrow one of my funeral dresses.”

One of her funeral dresses – because Ino attended many funerals. It was unavoidable when you were a member of a large ninja clan.

“Thanks.”

Sakura watched herself in the mirror as Ino combed through her hair: pretty pink locks curling around her little face, like petals around a rose. Her face did something odd, twisting and fragmenting, when Ino mumbled along the lines of ‘pretty’. God, just the thought of making herself pretty for Sasuke’s funeral.

Laughter bubbled up, laughter and misery all wrapped in one. She violently suppressed it, not wanting to alarm Ino. Or her other watchers.

They had been her constant companions these last days. None of her five senses had picked up on them, they were too well hidden, leaving no evidence of their presence. And yet, sometimes, she could feel something tugging at her on the edge of her consciousness.

The weight of watchful eyes decreased inside the Yamanaka household, almost as if her pursuers avoided coming too close to the area. Sakura was uncertain whether or not it was due to an attempt at discretion (“Clan heads becomes very prissy if Anbu lurks around their house,” Tsunade-shisou had once drunkenly complained), or if the task of observing her were just transferred to Inoichi Yamanaka in those moments.

If the head of Konoha’s Analysis Team was indeed spying on her, then he did an unsurprisingly excellent job at hiding it. Sakura had no reason to suspect anyone had extracted information from her mind, but it would be downright stupid to rule it out.

At least her stay at the Yamanaka household had been somewhat useful. When Sakura first came here, to deliver the news of Sasuke’s death to her friend directly and later staying over to provide comfort, Inoichi Yamanaka had seemed surprised at the news. In the three days Sakura stayed there, the man had not volunteered any information, but he had hovered closely those times Sakura managed to convince Ino to train with her. Both of Ino’s parents frequently reminded them to be careful and were uncharacteristically worried that they might hurt themselves.

Sakura had mulled it over for a little while.

Since Kakashi-sensei announced her former crush’s death, Sakura had been anxiously searching for more information on how and why and what the actual fuck – because Sakura was fine, and Naruto was fine, and yet Sasuke had somehow found himself dead. He had only received an insignificant portion of a poison, harmless in such a small dose, from a meal they had all eaten!

So, she had not miscalculated the dose. Sasuke might have died while training. Anbu was watching her. An allergic reaction? Something that caused enough disturbance for Sasuke to slip up and…fall from a tree? Perhaps the poison was particularly effective on people with sharingan? If so, there were not enough of them left for Sakura to run a proper study, but she was more than willing to experiment on th-

“All done,” Ino interrupted her thoughts, the tips of her fingers brushing over Sakura’s forearm, “Let’s get you into a better dress, nee?”

If dolling her up distracted Ino from the sorrow she had caused, then Sakura could hardly deny her.

Ino held her hand tightly as they entered the tiny temple room, Ino’s mother and aunty flanking them. The pews were not full, but there was a surprisingly large amount of people attending, considering Sasuke was an antisocial asshole with no friends or family to speak of. Then again, Sasuke receiving an undeservingly amount of care and consideration was hardly something new.

The Yamanaka's flower shop had provided lilies and chrysanthemums for the funeral, so they were granted seats close to the front row. Sakura intended to sit with them, to be snuggled between the crying Ino and the affectionate matriarch of the Yamanaka clan, but fate would have it otherwise.

Kakashi-sensei had been engaged in conversation with the priest when they came in, but just as they approached the front rows, he turned his head towards her. His eyes traced the line of her clenched jaw before leaning forward and holding out his hand, beckoning for her to go to him.

After giving Ino’s hand one last squeeze, Sakura reluctantly made her way towards him.

“This is Sakura, one of Sasuke’s teammates,” Kakashi-sensei made a dismissive gesture in her direction but did not spare her another glance.

The elderly priest looked at her with a very somber expression, his voice kind when he said, “My condolences, I know how dear teammates are regarded by those in your occupation.”

Shrugging would be inappropriate, so Sakura settled with an insincere, “Thank you.”

“Please child, take a seat there,” the priest pointed at the foremost bench – the one reserved for family.

Biting her lips, Sakura complied, sneaking one last glance at Kakashi-sensei.

Sasuke Uchiha had no suitable family left nor an official team (team seven hadn’t passed the test), but Sakura supposed someone had to fill the role of loved ones.

Glancing around, Sakura noted that the funeral was arranged in an almost standard and impersonal fashion. Almost, because instead of a casket, the guest would have to place their flowers around an urn with an already cremated Sasuke. Usually, cremation took place at the end of the funeral ceremony, thus allowing the guest one last look at the deceased.

It takes about an hour and a half to cremate an adult body, less than an hour to cremate a child and about fifteen minutes to reduce a stillborn to dust. Tradition dictated that family members stand as witnesses for that part of the ceremony. Teammates are acceptable substitutes should the deceased shinobi not have family available.

Sakura had desperately wished for one last look at Sasuke, for multiple reasons, the most important being determining the cause of his death. Unfortunately, she failed to find a polite way to force herself along with the procedure. Kakashi-sensei had only divulged that Sasuke’s death was under investigation the last time she saw him, and the Anbu lurking around her made it clear that she was also being investigated.

Since they burned Sasuke’s corpse to ashes before the funeral, Sakura would have to assume that the body had some clues. Still, no point crying over spilled milk.

Sakura sat in quiet contemplation by herself for a little while before the appearance of Naruto – herald by a hostile change in the air and angry mumbling – caught her attention. He was dressed in dark blue pants and an old faded shirt. She blinked, a little confused before she remembered her and Ino’s earlier conversation. It was entirely possible Naruto had never attended a funeral before and without anyone to guide him…

He looked lost and sad, caught inside the unreceptive crowd, stumbling forward uncertainly. Before Kakashi-sensei could call him over like he did to her, probably in a much warmer manner, Sakura stood up and waved at Naruto. Blue eyes light with relief when they saw her and he raced towards her like she was a lighthouse in murky waters.

Someone stretched out their leg just as Naruto passed, almost causing him to fall, but ninja reflexes saved him.

Rage, fierce and blistering, pooled in her gut. If she been close enough to see who fucking dared, she would be close enough to put a fist through their head.

She was still fuming with anger when Naruto reached her, but she still forced herself to smile, “Want me to break that losers’ leg?”

A half-confused, half-startled noise left Naruto’s lips, “Eh, no need Sakura-chan, it's not a big deal.”

She disagreed, but she would have to take that conversation with him another time. She patted the seat next to her invitingly. Naruto collapsed on it. Despite his dismissive words earlier, Sakura noticed that he was strung tight with nerves. Carefully, very carefully, she leaned against him, pressing her face against his chest and coiling an arm around him. He tensed even more and Sakura didn’t need to look up to know the expression on Naruto’s face; the doubt, the puzzlement, the ‘why are you being nice’.

Sakura had stayed away from him these three days because she didn’t want to arouse more suspicion, a decision she already regretted. She would be there for Naruto from now on, no matter what.

They stayed together like that under the priest’s speech, Naruto slowly relaxing.

Kind sentiments were shared, confusing in their sweetness. The priest painted a virtuous boy; talented, good and cherished.  Mumbles of agreement were voiced. Some crying could be heard in the seats behind her. Let us pray, he said, let us remember this beloved member of our society.  

But Sakura remembers otherwise. Images entered her head, making her clench her teeth.

A dark night, the soft whispers of ‘thank you for everything’ followed by darkness. Broken rocks, desperate searching, a sword in Naruto’s back barely averted. The sound of chirping birds on a bridge with yet another discarded teammate. Burning bridges and broken bodies and manic laughter and Naruto –

A shudder traveled through her entire body.

Sakura remembers this hollow feeling in her chest very well, a Sasuke-shaped hole permanently imprinted on her.

Can you feel it, Sakura wondered, can you feel the glare of my tearless eyes, Sasuke? Watching you as you rest in that urn, as I am praying that your last moments were agonizing.

Just before they had to stand up to place flowers next to Sasuke’s picture, Naruto said, his voice quietly, wrecked, “I-I can’t believe he is gone. Sasuke has always been there, around me, you know…I never thought he could just as easily be gone.”      

Sakura exhaled, “Me neither.”

It took her a few seconds to realize just how much she meant that. More than death and revival, more than the reversing of time itself; Sasuke death crossed the point of believability for her.

Monsters weren’t vanquished that easily.

Shortly after the ceremony ended, Sakura locked herself in a toilet stall, flipping down the lid on the commode, sitting down and hugging herself. This was not because of sudden grief or guilt over Sasuke’s passing, but rather a reaction after a disturbing conversation with Kakashi-sensei. No, he didn’t deserve that title any more. Kakashi had told her that team 7 was disbanded, (“Not that it was ever fully formed,” Kakashi drawled), and that they would be reassigned to new teams.

That news would have been upsetting by itself, but of course Kakashi made it ten times worse by saying that he had already found a new place for her, his eyes flicking to the hallway, where the third Hokage and Danzo passed by.

Sakura would not allow herself to be thrown to the root. The only reasons she had refrained from fleeing the village the moment Kakashi hinted he suspected her for the murder of Sasuke had been:

One: Loyalty to her village and the hope that she could somehow play it off.

Two: The fact that running would be as good as admitting guilt and even if she somehow dogged the hunter nins, there would only be a question of when the words reached Itachi’s ears. She was not keen on finding out if the older brother could reach the same revenge obsessed heights as Sasuke.

Her options were painfully bad, but at least leaving might give her the opportunity to hunt down Tsunade-shishou. Sakura missed her fiercely and still considered her the Hokage. Who else could she trust world-shattering secrets to?

A knock on her stall interrupted her thoughts.

“Sakura,” Ino said, “That weirdo with the facemask is looking for you, something about introducing you to someone.”

Great, Sakura grimaced. If going out now meant being introduced to Danzo, then as far as Sakura was concerned, she lived in this toilet stall.

Ino knocked again, “Hello? Sakura?”

“Fine, fine,” Sakura sighed, pushing open the stall door and practically dragging her feet.

Ino looked tired, annoyed, and concerned. Sakura tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and sent her an apologetic smile. The blonde rolled her eyes in response, then she gestured for Sakura to follow her. No doubt miffed over being used to fetch Sakura. Swiveling on her heel, Ino marched out of the toilet. Sakura followed closely, a sarcastic remark about Kakashi and his obsession with dogs at the tip of her tongue, but then she noticed something felt  – off.   

She couldn't put her finger on it, just a vague sense of wrongness slithering beneath her skin, making her feel like she suddenly acquired bitemarks with no reasonable explanation. The intensity of the wrongness dabbed off quickly, but it didn’t fully disappear.

Ino’s voice echoed around her, but Sakura couldn’t focus on it.   

Sakura felt like she caught a glint of the strings hovering above, twisting and pulling her around.

Subtly, she sent a spike of chakra through her body, disturbing the natural flow. When she saw the world fade away, she almost expected waking up in the battlefield or in a lab with her head sewed back on or perhaps even under the reanimation jutsu. She did not expect to open her eyes and see the ground rushing beneath her. She did not expect being carried over someone’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Her body felt a small impact every time her kidnapper’s foot landed on a tree branch that he/she propelled them forward with.

Well, shit, Sakura concluded.

Chapter Text

It took Sakura approximately three seconds to reach a decision – three seconds that resulted in her being carted ever closer to her kidnapper’s destination, which may or may not prove to be a fatal mistake. To waste time was often to waste lives, so Sakura had violently suppressed any hints of panic that could cloud her judgment and thought:

One:

If she arrived at their destination, she may never leave it. So, she had to avoid that at all costs. No point holding back, not when all her secrets would be forcibly extracted from her one way or another if she allowed them to cage her.

Two:

The shadows cast by the trees were almost short enough to indicate noon, meaning Sakura couldn’t have been under the genjutsu for too long since Sasuke’s funeral ended around half past eleven. Her eyes caught a glimpse of moss on the passing trees and she breathed in the sweet caramel scent of Katsura trees. They were heading north towards the periphery in the village. Sakura could not recall any Root bases situated that far north in the village, but absence of evidence was not evidence of absence. Who knows if they missed a few or if Danzo relocated later? Regardless, her best chances of escape would be heading northeast and slipping out of the village through the sparsely guarded wall.

Three:

She could not sense any other presences, but her sensory skills had always been a weak spot. If there were more opponents, she would need to draw them out before striking. Knowledge and timing would have to compensate for her lack of strength and speed, whatever luck she's had in the past clearly had no plans returning this round, so she had to plan for the worst-case scenario.

Sakura made her decision.

One moment, she was keeping her body relaxed and her heart steady and then the next –

“Ugh,” she whimpered almost inaudibly; a miserable, broken sound. It was the only heads up her kidnapper received before Sakura’s body began convulsing.

Sakura scarcely perceived the abrupt descent before she was thrust onto the ground. Vision blurry, she could only see a smooth white mask floating above her. The disorientation – far more potent than intended - would fade soon, but only after it helped her sell the image: Pale and clammy skin infested with swollen veins worming around just beneath the surface. Dilated pupils that didn’t react to light, ragged breathing, tachycardia and most importantly: a subtle disintegration of skin.

The Root with a vaguely familiar male voice, let out a string of curses. Furious flashes of hand signs were preceded by healing chakra as the root tried to reverse what he believed was the effect of the Himitsu hoji-sha-poison. It was a suicide poison originally developed for kekkei genkai-users, but as cooperation and diplomacy increased between hidden villages, the poison became popular among spies.

The poison was often hidden as tooth implants, easily accessible and quick to disintegrate you to nothing.

Manipulating her own chakra pathways to twist and mold her body functions still came easy to Sakura. Inducing sickness was much simpler than curing it, and Sakura was only stimulating enough to give the appearance of the condition. Still, she appreciated the soothing sense of relief as the pain began to subside. The Root possessed decent healing skills, but even an experienced medic-nin could not stop the effect of Himitsu hoji-sha-poison alone.

And yet, no one appeared to help. It was standard procedure that at least three people assisted when the Himitsu hoji-sha-poison was involved – one to stabilize the affected, one to preserve as much evidence as possible and one to make sure none of others were affected (some versions of the poison could be transmitted).

This Root was alone, which suited Sakura perfectly.

Healing chakra leaves one very vulnerable for attack from the person you are healing. Sakura kindled a rapid necrosis wave across the chakra pathways of his cerebellum, a highly lethal assault would leave him incapable of chasing after her. It would kill him if not treated within 3-4 hours. Sakura hoped that Root cared enough about their members that it would force some of her eventual pursuers to stay behind.

Sakura jumped her feet and began running the second the Root member collapsed to the ground. The sun was hot on her face, sweat dripped downwards and plastered her dress to her skin. She felt unsteady, too hot and too cold, and itchy, and very, very infuriated. Running up the nearest tree, Sakura felt a little better once she got up in the air, but only a little.

To hell with Danzo – to hell with Sasuke! Root or not, Sakura did not appreciate being forced to injure Konoha ninjas. She continued to inwardly curse them both while trying to make as little noise as possible – leave as few traces of herself as possible. Sakura knew the Land of Fire well, but every hiding spot she knew about was tied to the village. The proud student of the fifth Hokage had no reasons to have escape routes from Konoha.

Great foresight, Sakura almost sighed, but at least I can look for Tsunade-shishou now.

The stonewall appeared before her and for second Sakura allowed herself to hope, and then a senbon pitched through her neck and she barely managed to growl, “Fucking Root”, before the world turned pitch-black.

“…-ura”

Pain sharp, hot pain seared through her body. It was all consuming and forceful and Sakura felt/thought/imagined her body curling into something fetal, something instinctive and all the while the pain scorched and radiated.

“..Sh-…-ild….Danz-..kill.”

Something screamed in her ear, shrilling and sharp like a knife through her skin – which already felt too raw and too inflamed and too tight and too everything. She wished it would stop, begged it to stop, but it paid her no mind.

“-ET OUT!”

More screaming and shouting, repeating and echoing around her. Then something odd happened, something excruciating. Sakura had not been able to fully process the pain earlier, it had been too intense to analyze and categorize, however now it transformed to something equally agonizing but clearly opposite. The contrast of the pains allowed her to know that she had been overflowing, because now she was being drained. It was like her bones had been too big for the confines of her skin, so now they were being torn out to make space.

Had she not been so exhausted, Sakura might have weeped from the sheer relief she felt when whatever it was finally came out, but instead  of tears, she passed out again, the faint whispers of sorry following her into oblivion.

When Sakura finally arrived at the cliff in the valley, she found Sai perched up on one of the sunbathed rocks there, looking more like a bird than a man.

His dark gaze lingered on her as she approached, equally warm and wary, and Sakura couldn’t blame him. As the war edged its way everywhere and anywhere, social visits became rarer and rarer, and a medic-nin hunting you down was more often than not ominous.

Sakura hated that she was proving that true even now.

Sai had become better at reading others, so he just said, “Ino?”

The way Sakura’s face crumbled answered the question well enough.

“Sometimes,” Sai said, “sometimes it feels like the world has been lost in flames, and we’re nothing but ghosts shifting amid the smoke.”

“That is... surprisingly poetic of you,” Sakura said as she jumped up to the rock with him, their shoulders brushing and they shared a moment of silence; simply existing together.

After some time, Sai broke it by saying, “I wanted to be a ghost -- when I was younger, after Shin died, I thought it would be brilliant. I could see him again and still carry out missions for the village, I could go everywhere and collect all kind of information, and nothing could hurt me since I didn’t have a body, but one of the instructors- “ Sai laughed without a trace of mirth, “said that our greatest weakness didn’t stem from our bodies, and that if I want avoid pain, ridding myself of my emotions would be more effective.”

Sakura wrapped arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder, “That’s bullshit. Ino was worth ten times the pain of her loss causes. I would rather suffer than never having cared about her.”

This time Sai’s laughter sound more like sob, and his voice was weak when he said, “Still, I finally understand why emotional-based torture yielded so much better with interrogation results.”

And what could Sakura possibly say to that?

Sakura was drifting in and out of it, back and forth, her body, the ocean, and her mind, the tide. It was hard to tell how much time passed, it felt everything around her moved in confusing fragments. Slowly, her brain began picking up tiny pieces of comprehension as it poured over seconds/minutes/hours.

Before she recognized the hardness beneath her as a mattress, and before the shapes around her formed into walls, and before the dryness in her throat became apparent, Sakura was hit with the most blinding headache she has ever experienced. The pain throbbed so violently around her skull that she was half-surprised it hadn’t cracked open yet. She needed to adjust to the pain before she could process anything else.

When she finally managed to make enough room for herself beside the pain, Sakura considered her situation. She was inside a mostly hollow cube of concrete that was just chilly enough to be uncomfortable, but not freezing. Dust laid everywhere, in thick drifts, giving the impression that the place was a forgotten hole that was not meant to be inhabited. The only source of light was what managed to creep in from the double hatch door above her.

Great, she was in one of those cells. She supposed it could have been worse, at least she dodged the smallest variant of it, designed more like a coffin than a room. No one believed she had the mental strength to endure that, probably. A fair assessment. Sakura didn’t have a high opinion of her mental fortitude these days either.

Every Jounin was trained to endure torture, but she did not have near as much drilling someone specialized in espionage would have. At least she had some of Sai’s tips to fall back on. That had to be useful seeing as it was the organization that trained him that currently held her.

Predictably enough, time passed without any contact from other humans. Food and water appeared and the bucket of excrement was emptied in those moments sleep overtook her. She heard no voice but her own, and nothing around provided much stimulation. So, Sakura trained, she slept and she meditated. Following Sai’s advice, she also visualized, taking refuge in a world of abstractions, making up mathematical problems and performing rapid mental calculation.  

They had placed a Chakra-Suppressing Seal on her, nothing too advanced. She knew of multiple ways she could break free from it, if she really dedicated herself to the task, but she doubted her captivators would just stand back and watch her do that.  

Sometimes, when she was in a particularly fragile mood, Sakura allowed herself to think about her loved ones. What had her parents been told? Did Ino or Naruto know where she was? Why, why for the love of all good things had Kakashi, or the Hokage for that matter, allowed Danzo of all people to take her? Surely no one would buy him being enraged that another Uchiha bit the dust. You would think he would arrange a celebration for her deed, not lock her up in solitary confinement. Not that Sakura wanted his approval, but the treatment struck her as very hypocritical. Also, she was surprised they hadn’t sent a Yamanaka to her. Perhaps none were available? There were many other prisoners that had to be questioned, maybe this was the equivalent of waiting in line for less important captives.

Sakura tried not to think too much about it, mostly because she felt it more maddening than anything else.

After what might most have been a couple of weeks (months?), Sakura was woken up by a sharp light just as she was about to drift off into unconsciousness. She rested the back of her head against the wall, peering up at a stone ceiling and could barely make out a figure through light. The thin figure gracefully descended, landing on the floor without making a sound. A white owl mask with red spirals was the only source of color on the black draped figure. Even the hair, slicked back and pulled up in a high bun which coiled like a serpent at the crown of the head, was as dark as it could get.

Sakura blinked as he/she/they sat down on the floor, green eyes roaming critically over each characteristic she could spot and catalog it in her brain. The person was put together with sharp, angular edges. And Sakura felt almost uneasy as she watched the owl Root lacing their bony fingers together and resting their hands in their lap.

“Hello, Sakura,” Owl said, in monotones, neutral voice.

The sound bounced back and forth between the walls, as if the space was eager to capture any noise that managed to make its way there. Sakura could relate. It felt…nice to hear another voice. Almost nice enough to make her respond, but of course, she chose to stare blankly at the Owl.

They both sat in silence, gauging each other – or at least that what Sakura was doing, the Owl didn’t really give any indication that any time had passed. Still as a statue.

“Are you ready to explain yourself?” the Owl asked.

Resisting the flicker of satisfaction that threatened to disturb her features (because Sakura was not the one that broke the silence), Sakura continued to stare blankly ahead. It went on like that for a little while, the Owl asked questions that didn’t really inform Sakura of anything, so Sakura kept quiet.

When the Owl stood up to leave, just what Sakura was waiting for, Sakura spoke. Startlingly enough, her words sounded frayed, raspy; syllables coated in the dust gathering since her voice was used last:

“I want to talk to Danzo.”

The owl flicked away and Sakura was alone once again.

The next time Sakura received a visitor, she was dehydrated and dizzy – having been denied food and water for an unknown amount of time.  So, when she saw Danzo himself before her, she struggled for a moment to focus her addled thoughts on it. He wore an air of authority and annoyance, as if displeased he had to enter such a place. One dark eye observed her derisively.

To say Sakura was surprised would be a gross understatement, while it was true she asked to see Danzo, she had expected she would have to endure some torture before they obliged her. Prove that it would be the only way she would talk and so on. She was confident that she was capable of quickly breaking free from the Suppressing Seal (though that method would give her permanent damage) and kill him in a surprise attack if she could only lure him here, but never had she expected it to be so easy.

“Don’t waste my time if you are not going to say anything,” Danzo said.

He didn’t even have guards! Surely, they didn’t underestimate her that much. It had to be a trick – of course, a trick. This had to be a genjutsu, it made complete sense. She had enough experience with Suppressing Seal to break out of genjustu, even without access to chakra manipulation, meditation decreases sympathetic overstimulation and genjutsu was definitely an overstimulation.

The vision of Danzo disappeared and in its place a short form with a porcelain cat mask with three red stripes and purple hair appeared. Sakura struggled to keep the surprise away from her face. She knew that person - Yūgao Uzuki, a loyal Konoha Anbu highly trusted by Tsunade-shishou. If she was here, it was on the Hokage behest, not Danzo, which was confusing to say the least.

“Sorry, I’m just…” Sakura trailed off, watching Yūgao warily, “don’t understand.”

“And you dare demand my presence here to explain it to you?”

Are you ready to explain yourself?

Odd, very, very odd. The whole day had been odd. Kakashi basically told her she would be reassigned to Danzo, yet for some reason she had been put in a genjutsu and kidnapped? Then she was isolated and the interrogation had been very vague so far, never directly referencing her murder of Sasuke. Surely, they had to be certain of her part to have brought her against her own will in the first place. Yet this tip-toeing and the constant Danzo-related genju -- oh, oh.  

Maybe Danzo had nothing to do with this or rather; this was all about Danzo.

It made no sense for Danzo to be entrusted with nor hunting down Sasuke’s killer. Anyone would sooner accuse him of being behind it. The Hokage would believe him to be behind it. A young ninja from an unimportant background with hidden skills murdering an Uchiha...who wouldn’t suspect her of being a root-member.

Kakashi had been gauging her reaction, or maybe Danzo’s?

The hot, heavy weight of uncertainty began to coalesce in Sakura's stomach as she saw a window of opportunity open. She could be wrong, this was a leap. Yet, her intuition screamed that it was right. But what if it wasn't? Then again, what did she have to lose at this point? Quickly, she searched her brain for every bit of knowledge she knew about Danzo’s treachery, stacking up the chips that she would gamble her future on.

“I killed Sasuke, just like you told me, so why all this?” Sakura asked in a pleading voice.

Yūgao leaned forward, clearly interested and Sakura thought; jackpot.

Tsunade-shishou would have been so proud.

Chapter Text

All and all, Sakura felt things were working out relatively well for her.

Sort of.

Most of the time, she was left alone with nothing but the sound of her own heartbeat and rotten breath to keep her company. She hadn’t allowed it to worry her, not truly, for she understood the purpose and therefore it could not be used to hurt her. Still, she had done her best to appear affected – eagerly jumping up whenever someone graced her cell with a visit and subtly breaking apart whenever she was left alone.

Acting was not something Sakura was particularly good at and even if she had been, she doubted she could truly fool the ANBU or the T&I. They had an eye for fake performances, right? So, she had to make it real; it had to be real. Which suited Sakura perfectly, since the line between false and real had never been so thin.

Sakura had died, and before that Naruto was killed, but now he lived, which was great, so, naturally, Sasuke had to die. Which he had. And by ‘he’, Sakura was referring to Sasuke this time and not Naruto. Naruto was still living. Sasuke was not. Not the other way around, she made sure of that.

It should have been the end of the story, but there it turned out the equation had far too many variables for Sakura to solve it and now the ground beneath her was quickly eroding away. Good thing Sakura had been born with very small feet, much smaller than those around her and they barely left any imprints for others to see. That was occasionally a useful thing, like when balancing on a tightrope.

(“I-I know it needed to be done,” Sakura sniffed, “Sasuke-kun is…”- a monster, an infectious disease, a fucking –“…Sasuke-kun was a traitor.”)

Sakura needs to give them enough to take Danzo down, but not enough to drag her with him. Admitting to having killed Sasuke had been risky, so she needed them to conclude she was nothing more than a trusting and silly little girl manipulated into something she thought was for the good of Konoha.

(“Do you expect to be praised after causing such a commotion?” Not-Danzo sneered.)

One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other.

(“I-I di--I just did what you told me!?”)

She talked, and pleaded, and begged. Confused and scared at first before slowly descending into a mixture of desperation and erratic behavior (whyamiherewhyaimherewhyamihere). Pacing back and forth. Speaking to herself. Hurling out as many accusations as she could, demanding Danzo let her out, beseeching that he at least allowed Kabuto to take a look at her because she was feeling dizzy and tired and sick and –

(“Why do you think you’re here?”)

The not-Danzos, who was Yūgao most of the time and sometimes a dark-haired shinobi, appeared and disappeared at random intervals. Sakura gave them the right answers, then the wrong ones, and then,  just answers. Anything that could get her out, because only someone with an agenda could confidently stick to one story. Still, she made sure only one of the narratives remained comprehensible and consistent every time she reverted to it.

(“I don’t know, please, I don’t know, I’m sorry, I-I, did you not get the eyes?”)

One time, not-Danzo had been Kakashi, looming above her, judgment announced on his tight features before he even asked anything. It was the only time Sakura’s confidence wavered, the only time she felt genuine despair. What if they had decided to execute her anyway? What if this was a mere formality to assert their dominance before the torture began in earnest? 

(“Are you ready to explain yourself?”)

Kakashi had looked at her as if he hated her, and couldn’t remember seeing him aiming that look at Sasuke. Or Obito, for that matter. Those who break the rules are scum, but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum. So, following orders would hardly pass as an excuse in Kakashi’s eyes.

(“Haruno-san, answer the question.)

Sakura screamed.

See?

Everything was working out. Why else would they be leading her out of her cell?

“Why are you doing this?” Sakura asked, “How many years, how many opportunities, how many fucking lives, Naruto, must pass before you let this go? I wish I never asked you…it was such a stupid promise, please tell me it is not because of that stupid promise.”

Naruto didn’t look at her, not even when she lost the battle against her tears and part of her hated him a little for it. Only a little, of course, because most of her hatred was being directed on herself and Sasu-

“Sakura-chan, don’t worry; it wouldn’t have made any difference. Even if I never had promised you to bring Sasuke back, I would still be doing this.”

And just like that, Sakura was twelve again, useless and crying. Naruto was smiling confidently, seconds away from chasing after Sasuke again, and she could not follow. Kakashi-sensei was not here, again, too preoccupied with the ghosts from his past.

“Why?” Sakura asked, even though she knew the answer painfully well.

Naruto’s smile never wavered, but it never reached his eyes either, “I wanted to bring Sasuke back before you even said anything. I still want to bring Sasuke back. It’s not something I can just stop wanting.”

And that was team seven for you, Sakura thought, once we started doing something, no matter how unwise or disastrous, we could never quite figure out how to stop.

The new room was nice, but only in a way that could be appreciated by someone that had been trapped inside a literal hole for an unknown amount of time. White walls, an oblong table sat square in the middle, and metal chairs designed with discomfort in mind.

Inoichi Yamanaka was waiting for her there, “Please, sit down,” he said and gestured to the seat across from him.

The door shut behind her with a quiet thud, and Sakura blinked, struggling to remember the journey here. A dull ache accompanied every step Sakura took towards the Yamanka head. Her legs were tired from underuse despite her best efforts to exercise inside her cell. It was not before she reached the chair that she remembered to be pleased, and more importantly, to be angry.

She stared at him, closing and opening her mouth as though scrambling for something to say, the perfect image of a confused and uncertain little girl over her head. In the end, she tried, “Ya-”, the words got stuck in her throat, and she had to clear it before she could finish,”-manaka-san?”

Something in his neutral, calm expression relayed concern, but it was so faint that Sakura barely caught it. He gestured at the chair again, so she obliged by collapsing onto it. Her eyes felt heavy with fatigue. Perhaps she had been sleeping before she came here, perhaps she still was.

The scenery before her didn’t change after she inwardly screamed, ‘kai’, but she could not dismiss the possibility that the person before was using the Henge Jutsu. Still, it was good that they were changing things, she was sick of seeing Danzo.

“Sakura-chan, do you know why I’m here?” Yamanaka-san asked.

Sakura fought back a smile that threatened to distort her face to something more manic than happy, “I’m not sure you are here.”

Yamanaka-san cocked his head on one side with a slight frown, his gaze fixed intensely on her and Sakura raised her eyes to meet them before quickly dropping down. At this point, even Sakura couldn’t tell if her discomfort was an act or not.

“Then who do you think is here with you?”

Sakura crossed and uncrossed her ankles, “Maybe Kabuto…maybe someone else, maybe this is all a genjutsu.”

Maybe mentioning Kabuto’s name as often as she could would get him locked up with her.

“I could also just be the real Inoichi Yamanaka, just a possibility,” he smiled and leaned back on his chair.

Sakura shook her head, “He wouldn’t be here.”

The blonde nodded as if agreeing, which troubled Sakura a little bit, because that was how the real Inoichi Yamanaka would have reacted. Gently disagreeing by appearing to agree first. And right on cue he said:

“You’re right, it would not make sense for him to be in the setting you’ve been experiencing. A few questions might expose the possible fraud, would it not?”

It might, which was why it had been Sakura’s plan to do so, but she was very tempted not to now. Nothing was more annoying than when someone tells you to do something you were already going to do. She was sweaty, dirty and so very, very tired, and now he made her annoyed too. So annoyed that she realized that she wanted him to be uncomfortable.

“Instead of answering my questions, I would rather you show me something,” Sakura said.

“Of course, what do you want to see?” Yamanaka-san asked curiously.

This time, Sakura held his gaze as she said, “I want to see Ino. I’ll always be able to tell if she is the real one or not.”

There. Unease, anger and shame, casting ripples through his face in their wake. A shinobi from a clan would never have been treated this way, not one so young, not someone who is barely classified as a shinobi. Sakura was (physique) the same age as his daughter, and she was still wearing his daughter’s dress, unrecognizable as it was underneath all the filth. She looked at him and thought of Ino, so it was only fair that he did the same.

Yamanaka-san sighed, looking way older than he should, and Sakura felt pleased.

“Ino would like to see you too, but I’m afraid her feelings towards you are rather hostile at the moment,” Yamanaka-san said, pinching the bridge of his nose, “In fact, that sentiment is shared by many, many others.”

Sakura was sure he was exaggerating. She had been locked away for a while now, so most people must have gotten over Sasuke’s death. It was not like she slaughtered the whole Uchiha, and she wasn’t hearing anyone admitting harboring hostile emotions against Itachi. Unless you counted Sasuke, which you couldn’t anymore, because, you know; dead.

Dropping her head on the table, Sakura mumbled, “I only did as you ordered, please, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

She heard the clan head shift in chair, but chose not to raise her head. Let him see her exhaustion, maybe it would speed things up.

“I’m not your enemy, I know everything must be confusing, but the reason I’m here is because I want to help you. You are not the main culprit here, but the others need a little more information before they can trust you.”

“I’ve already answered all your questions. Again and again and again. Ask Danzo…if it truly had been him any of those times.”

“It wasn’t,” the blonde admitted, and Sakura’s head snapped up, green eyes meeting blue yet again, “and my questions won’t need a verbal answer. Also, I believe my method will prove my identity far more than any questions would.”

Sakura gazed at him in confusion, because that almost sounded like he was asking for permission to violate her mind, which was not a bad thing, per say, but you would think they were past such a thing now. The whole kidnapping and mental torture had given her no heads up that her consent meant nothing.

Yamanaka-san misinterpreted the cause of her confusion, “You’re not with the root, but at the T&I, I know this all must seem confusing.”

Sakura looked at him for a very long time, considering her options, and he allowed it. Probably assuming she was having a hard time processing the truth. Jokes on him, he would be the one struggling to accept the reality in her mind. Still, if this was the way things would go, Sakura wanted one question asked before she was locked away to be experimented on or something.

“Yamanaka-san, if what you’re saying is true…could I? The question you offered to answer,” Sakura waited until he nodded before she continued, “What happened with Sasuke? I mean, obviously, he died and I-I, well you see, I just followed the instructions and he wasn’t supposed to, not like that at least, I think…he wasn’t in any pain was he? I know it was necessary but...”

Her voice trailed off as tears filled her eyes.

Yamanaka-san looked at her with pity, “The blood tests from the autopsy revealed an unusual high amount of chakra-related stress hormones, it was originally believed he had driven himself to the point of chakra exhaustion when he was training and that had been the reason for the accident that took his life – beheading by a Fūma Shuriken, then angle of the cut made us certain it had not been an attack.”

It took Sakura a few attempts to formulate a proper thought, and even longer for her to say, “That…doesn’t sound like a reason to suspect murder.”

Yamanaka-san nodded, “There wasn't any reason to suspect murder, but the third Hokage wanted to be absolutely certain and Hatake-san thought something had seemed off with you, something about having followed you guys to the team training.”

 Oh.

Oh.

Maybe it had been her tree climbing skills, her passable taijutsu or maybe had seen her prepare the food. The exact reason wasn't important, the important thing was that he had only suspected her. No evidence. She had freaked out. And then –

“And now you have admitted to having been sent to assassinate the village’s last Uchiha by a member of the Konoha Council, as well as having hospitalized two high-leveled shinobis. Allowing me to enter your mind will reassure us that you are no threat, lend credit to your words and refute Danzo’s claim of ‘never having even laid eyes on this so-called Haruno’. Do you follow, Sakura-san?”

Sakura nodded absentmindedly, too busy mentally tearing herself apart for not keeping her cool and for falling for such obvious provocations, and of course Kakashi would have been subtler if he had something on her to begin with.

“Okay, relax and don’t fight against me,“ Yamanaka-san said.

At this point, what did Sakura have to lose? She should maybe stop having revelations while being interrogated, it made the whole experience a little jarring. It made her miss important points too, like the fact that Yamanaka-san had said she hospitalized two high-leveled shinobis, she could only remember one. Who was the other one? Were we just blaming her for little everything little thing now?

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt that sharp, hot pain searing through her body again. The feeling of being invaded and wrong, wrong/wrong/wronge/ronggetout/getout/GETOUT!

This time, she could identify the screams – hers and the Yamanaka invading her head.

The good news was, Sakura reminded herself, she was not sent back to that terrible hole. She was in a new cell, one with solid iron bars she could easily see the hallway from. Much more visual stimulation here. Her head hurt, but it was manageable and at least she knew the cause this time. 

Now, if she could only find a way to ignore Kabuto's murderous glare from the cell across from her.

Chapter Text

It had only been one day, but Sakura already missed the quiet, madness-inducing cell. Sure, isolation was difficult, but being stuck with someone you hate could be even more excruciating. Suffice it to say, as cell-neighbors go, Sakura could not think of anyone worse than Kabuto. Wait – actually, his current boss Orochimaru, his previous boss Danzo and his future kind-of-bosses would probably be worse company, right? You would think… however -

“Haruno-san, I was wondering?”

Kabuto.

“Haruno-san, may I question one more thing?”

Just.

“Why I wonder?”

Never.

“Haruno-san.”

Shut-up!

“Haruno-san, there is just more one thing I don’t understand,” Kabuto said in an overly pleasant voice, acting as if he hadn’t been asking the same question all day (he was not a new and creative form of genjutsu torture – Sakura had checked), “what could a fellow clan-less genin such as yourself possibly gain from throwing baseless accusations around? I’ll admit my interactions with Danzo-san have been limited, but I must question how… convenient it is that someone supposedly employed by a high-status man such as Danzo-san to kill a high-profile target such as Uchiha Sasuke, would be someone so obviously unsuited for the task. This feels a lot like a scheme to incriminate multiple innocent persons.”

She missed when he just glared murderously at her.

Slowly, Sakura swung her feet over to one side of the bed and got up, firmly ignoring how cold the floor was. Kabuto turned visibly smug at having finally provoked a reaction. Sakura would take great joy in ripping that self-satisfaction from him soon enough.  

The pink haired woman favored him with a broad, mocking smile, “Look, I’m sorry Danzo didn’t pick you, we had no idea you were so keen on the job, perhaps your split allegiance gave him a pause?” She couldn’t help but to genuinely grin when she saw his eyes widening. Walking closer to the cell bars, Sakura continued, “It’s hard to guess what’s slithering inside your head sometimes, sharing your thoughts might lead to less misunderstandings, ne?”

Dark eyes regarded her with a mixture of surprise and curiosity for a moment before something cold settled inside them as his opinion of her shifted from ‘annoying curiosity’ to ‘possible threat’. It was unwise of her to hint how much she knew, but Inoichi Yamanaka was most likely informing everyone about what he had found in her head, so she didn’t want to be alone in feeling exposed. 

Kabuto pressed his face against the bars, the fake pleasantly gone from his voice when he said, “Less misunderstandings? I wonder,” - yeah, he had frequently informed her that, and Sakura swore she would find a way to put a permanent end to his wonderment if he dared breath that word again- “every piece of information you share seems to cause only confusion.”

Sakura shrugged, “Maybe you’re slow?”

Kabuto, thankfully, had no response to that.

“You will be called as a witness to the trial before the council tomorrow,” Owl announced three days after Sakura had been relocated.

The two imprisoned medics were both startled at the ANBU’s sudden arrival. Although Kabuto's reaction might have been faked, seeing as he was still playing harmless genin…much like her.

“Danzo’s trial?” Sakura asked at the same time as Kabuto said, “Both of us?”

“Yes,” Owl replied before disappearing.

Gee, why bother informing them anything at all if they are going to be vague about it? At least Sakura felt somewhat reassured hearing Danzo was facing consequences. It was hard to tell if her words were affecting the outside when her existence felt so isolated and distant in these cells. Seeing Kabuto had helped, but she hadn't been aware of how much anxiety she was holding before comparing it with the relief she felt at hearing that Danzo was going down.

Trials in Konoha were a Big Deal. With a Capital B and capital D. They were more political shows than actually legal procedures. A council made of the village’s most important Clan heads would be involved in passing the judgment, a way for the Hokages to show they respected the opinions and authorities of the rest of the village.

Needless to say, that a shinobi from a respectable clan would never be subjected to such a public affair, that would just reflect badly on the Clan as a whole and therefore be vetoed and dealt with in private. The Shimura Clan had, much like the Senju clan, lost many members and therefore also lost political sway since the foundation of the village.

Sakura wondered how the third Hokage planned to avoid mentioning the village sanctioned extermination of the Uchiha as one of the reasons Danzo was suspected. It was something other clans would not take well. Perhaps that issue was why this whole thing had taken so long?

The pink haired woman continued to ponder for a while with a thoughtful frown on face. She was not oblivious to Kabuto’s scrutiny of her - his gaze on her was a slimy, heavy weight on her skin. Still, she ignored him, hoping it would encourage him to keep his mouth shut.

“I suppose the Medic Corps will visit us soon,” Kabuto smiled.

Sakura gave him a dirty look for his continued failure at keeping quiet. Then processed his words. A mixture of confusion and elation hit her. She was pleased at the thought of seeing other people, especially people she had no reason to hate nor had any intentions of torturing her. And yet –

“Why would the Medic Corps visit us?” Sakura couldn’t help but to ask.

Kabuto shifted into a cross-legged position on his bed and adjusted his glasses, “To give us an evaluation before we appear on the trial. They have to make sure we’re not under influence and are mentally stable.”  

Sakura couldn’t help snorting. While apprenticing underneath Tsunade-shisou, Sakura had spent considerable time with the Medic Corps and had the joy of observing their skills. The years without Tsunade-shisou’ guidance had created a rather lackluster group. Sure, they could handle basic injuries and generally dealt with the hospital work well enough. But evaluating the psych of shinobis?

“The people in the Medic Corps aren't fit to evaluate shit,” Sakura scoffed, her tiredness and misery making her harsher than usual.

Kabuto adjusted his glasses again, “I take slight offense to that.”

Sakura raised an eyebrow, “Why, are you a member of it?”

“I’ve worked a little there,” Kabuto said, and Sakura had no way of knowing if that was true.

“Huh, sorry then, I take it back: The people in the Medic Corps are perfectly suited for evaluating shit.”

Kabuto sighed, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like ‘good for you then’, and lay down on his bed, “We should get some sleep. The trial will most likely be early in the morning, that way it won’t interfere too much with the tournament.

Tournament?

It could only be one tournament he was referring to; the Chunin Exam. Surely the third Hokage wouldn’t agree to host it while prosecuting Danzo at the same time, it would make them look weak and divided. They would look weak if they declined too, but there was huge difference between looking weak with and without foreign military soldiers inside the village. Or worse, with traitors inside the village.

Sakura bit her lips, barely resisting the urge to pace. Orochimaru was most likely here, if Danzo and Kabuto’s arrest hadn’t scared him off. He could attack the village at any moment, Kabuto didn’t specify how far in the Chunin Exam it had gotten so –

“You mean the Chunin Exam? When did that start?”

No answer.

“Kabuto?”

Still no answer.

There was no way he was asleep, so he was ignoring her, maybe butthurt over her comments earlier? She attempted to get him to respond a couple of more times, but to avail.

She hesitated. Sakura wanted to keep Konoha safe, she had spent so much of her life trying to keep Konoha safe, she could not warn them. But her parents were here, Naruto was here, Ino was here, and everyone she had ever loved was within Konoha’s walls. And yet, explaining how she knew Orochimaru was here would not be easy, and Sakura was so tired from being punished for protecting the village.

And yet..

“Owl? I have some important information to give you,” Sakura said, “it’s crucial that you hear it, it is about the safety of Konoha.”

No answer, but this time Kabuto reacted, his shoulders twitching the tiniest bit. 

"Owl?"

Sakura tried again and again and again. She pleaded and begged, but no one appeared. The T&I was vast, every prisoner was not monitored at every second. And yet Sakura could not shake off the dread plaguing her insides.

Kabuto had his back turned against her, but she would bet her medical license that he was listening. After the whole fiasco with Sasuke and Kakashi, she should know better than to panic and prove other’s suspicions before they had anything concrete on her, but the village was at stake here, so, in for a penny in for a pound, Sakura said, “Orochimaru is here.”

The silence became even more oppressive and Sakura began shivering. She was so, so tired. Wrapping her arm around herself, she yelled, “Orochimaru is here! Orochimaru is here! Damn it, are you listening? Orochimaru is here! The village is in danger!”

The shivering intensified until she was racked with deep, clenching shudders and that was when she realized she was crying - crying as if the ferocity of it might make sense of the world again. But instead the world, her small, enclosed world, faded into a blur. All she had was her overpowering despair and she could feel it unraveling her mind. She went from desperately hanging on to a thread, to seeing the disarray strings of her composure scattered around. A painful shock traveled up her body as her sharp knees hit the ground.

Was she insane? Was this all in her head? Has she ever apprenticed underneath Tsunade-shinsou? Was she dead? Was this all a fevered dream as she was dying in the battlefield or had she maybe never experienced the battlefield to begin with. Maybe that was why Sasuke died, because she knew nothing about poison. Sasuke died beheaded by a Fūma Shuriken, a voice in her head supplied, and Sakura hushed it, because that just sounded stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

She was so, so tired.

Somehow, she fell asleep, though the night was probably more than half over before the uneasy rest claimed her.

The dawn wind plucked at Sakura’s bloodied shirt as she scrambled down the steep track of the forest. Tall, twisted trees blocked out the sun, bathing her surroundings in darkness that eventually bled away until only muted gray remained.

There was no one around but her and the further she walked the less there was. And yet, she could not turn back – or could she?

Sakura stumbled over something – something small, something that rolled away. She looked down and saw herself. Parts of herself, more precisely; her head. She picked it up, studying her bulging eyes and distorted mouth, fear and pain craving her face to something almost unrecognizable.   

No wonder she was feeling so lost, she had been running around headless!

Just as she was about to take it on, she realized she already had a head. Odd. Who did this one belong to then? She looked around, but there was nothing. No rocks, no leaves, no grass. Everything was barren. Muted.

Until it wasn’t.

It took her a few seconds to process what she saw. Everything was grayscale, everything except for the blood; blood in the collapsed house, blood in the pile of undigested meat and the blood strutting out of the headless body dressed in a jounin attire.

Huh.

That was three dead Sakuras, she instinctively knew, three very dead Sakuras. She glanced back at the head she was holding and was startled to find it looking at her back.

Green, battle hardened eyes narrowed as they scrutinized the not-headless-Sakura and then, it said, “You’re not bat-shit crazy like the rest, are you?”

Sakura stared at her other self in horror, opened her own mouth, and screamed.

Sakura woke up without warning, eyes flung wide and her every sense urging her to claw her way to standing. Her heart was pounding, her mind racing and before her stood Owl; hovering outside the door to her cell like a lost spirit trapped between life and death. It took Sakura’s eyes time to notice Kabuto next to the ANBU, free and looking far too confident. Sakura instincts picked up every warning sign, even though it took her brain time to understand them; he was talking to the Owl with familiarity, his voice low and he had a look of commander assigning his tropes tasks. So, he was not out because the Owl was about to escort them to the trial.

The Owl flickered away, predictably enough, and Kabuto opened the door into her cell.

He kept his distance eyeing her as one would a venomous snake. Ha. Self-projecting much?

“You don’t look surprised, Haruno-san,” Kabuto smiled, “I wish I had the same clarity.”

Sakura stared at him blankly.

He took a step toward her, “We’ll get our answers from you one way or another, and they better be good enough for Orochimaru-sama to forgive you for having drowned his future host.”

Then he lunged at her, Chakra Scalpel ready and no doubt prepared to cut muscle tissues and tendons.  And Sakura, well, she had said she a way to quickly break free from the Suppressing Seal if needed.

“SHANNARO!” Sakura yelled as she punched the ground and the structure around them crumbled like it was made of string and sticks.

They hit the ground of the floor beneath them, rumbles of stone raining around them and Kabuto had to roll and twist to avoid getting crushed before he could even think about attaching again.

Sakura managed to break her fall with her arm, but unfortunately also broke her arm. She supposed it didn’t matter, not really. Picking up a sharp looking rock, Sakura drove it inside her heart, and just so Kabuto wouldn’t succeed in healing her, she snapped her own neck right after.

“Oh, you’re back.”

The fifth-time Sakura wakes up on the eve of her Genin exam, she doesn’t know if it’s really her that is awakening.

Chapter Text

Take a seat and settle in. The play will very soon begin. What play, you ask? The play that has been running here every day of course! She has seen it twice already, or maybe this was her fifth time?

Nevertheless, it was starting now, so, no time to talk.

The stage curtains are drawn and at the center is a small bed. Beneath its red blankets, brightly adorned with pink flowers, is a little girl. She lays in a fetal position, turned away from the crowd, repeatedly whispering the phrase; "this can’t be real, this can’t be real."

Not one of her usual lines, at least not so early in the act. A murmur of confusion and disappointment runs through the crowd. Someone asks if the actress has forgotten her lines again, another complains that the performance of the main lead becomes increasingly worse every night.

Spineless, ridiculous, unprofessional.

“This is an improvisational theater,” a stern voice rises above all unpleasant prattling, “So, let us be quiet and see how it plays out this time.” The person then looks at the audience as if to inquire whether anyone had anything to say to the contrary.

No one dared, so the confused muttering dies down, and right on cue, the small girl sits up in the bed with a strange, far-off look on her face. It looks far too world-wary and serious than what one would expect on such a young face.

The light fades.

This is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me, this is not happening to me?

The stage looks set for a repeat of last night's final; a small pink haired girl in a small poor lit room, adults arguing her fate, and running through the forest and –

“Sakura.”

– blood.

The audience is confused, she is confused, but the narrator quickly sets their mind at ease by saying; “lets us rewind.”

A classroom, a desk with blue headbands and two men looking at the small girl expectedly. She performs the task flawlessly and they tell her that she passes the test. She is a genin once again.

New scene.

The small girl is slowly making her way home to celebrate, her face looks somewhat blank, but it is hard to really discern any facial expressions so far from the stage anyway. Other unimportant, nameless actors walk in and out of the stage, and the background painting shifts into new locations as the girl moves.  Just as she reaches her home, someone calls out her name.

The girl turns to the side and greets the person – a young man with dark hair pulled back into a ponytail and scar that runs across the bridge of his nose.

This piques the audience interest, as it has never been part of the play before. The conversation that follows is met with equal fascination.

Man:  Sakura-chan, I’m sorry to bother you after class, but I couldn’t help but to be a little concerned after the exam today.

The girl, Sakura, a little teary: Concern? Did I not pass after all?

Man:  No, no, nothing like that! I was just…you seemed a little spaced out.

Sakura, annoyed now, yells: Spaced out?! That does not sound like me at all.

Man: …

Sakura, timidly: Why are you looking at me like that?

The light fades again.

“…she doesn’t appear to be fully conscious, and exhibits signs of being under the influence of something or someone. It's good that you brought her here, Umino-san.”

“That was my thought too, she had been acting a little off at the exam, so I decided to seek her out to make sure my student was okay. However, her behavior only made me more concerned.”

A small, white hospital room. Night has fallen. Sakura is in a bed, Iruka and a doctor sits beside her.

A doctor: Hello, Haruno-san. Did you sleep well?

Sakura hugs her knees and looks very frightened: …

The two adult males exchange glances.

Iruka: I know this all must seem odd, but I promise we are just trying to hel-

A grey-haired man bursts in.

Iruka: Mizuki! What is this?

Mizuki: You need to come to Hokage-sama right away. It's Naruto.

Naruto.

Naruto.

The stage, the audience, the room – everything fades.

Okay, this is/was the part things become weirder/clearer:

Dissociation could be described as a break in how the mind handles information. It often occurs as a reaction to trauma, possibly as a way of helping a person distance themselves from the traumatic situation.

Sakura knew the symptoms; feeling disconnected from one’s own body and from the world around. Check. Identity confusion, identity alteration, losing the sense of who you are or having it change dramatically, double check. And lastly, loss of feelings and control of one’s body movements.

Going through these facts inwardly calmed Sakura, partly because this was knowledge that she could have only gained after years of medical education that this 12-year old body she was in had yet to experience, and partly because it made some things very clear for her.

One. This was real. She had died multiple times and woken up again before her genin exam. This was not a genjutsu, and she had not lost her mind. Genjutsu controls the chakra flow of its target's cerebral nervous system, capable of affecting all five senses, and while Sakura could buy the Infinite Tsukuyomi creating such a convincing world, there was no way it could design such a realistic breakdown from her.   

Oh, sure, many psychological genjutsu counted on its victims’ reactions to the fabricated attacks, but in those cases, the fear, the panic, the anger, ect., would increase and increase until the victim’s mind broke.

Sakura’s mind has not broken. And had this all really been a genjutsu, her mind would not have been allowed to retreat, it would have disrupted the chakra that manipulated synapses too much and caused a short circuit. So, this was real.

The second thing she became certain of, was that her last death had not been by her own hand – or rather, her own control. A pierced heart and broken neck. The odd certainty that she would just restart was at odds with everything that she had thought back then. The other deaths had seemed like a far-off nightmare and she had not even considered killing herself because it went against her survival instincts.

Sakura couldn’t help feeling stupid for not ending that situation earlier now, but back then, that hadn’t felt like an option. The life had felt more real than all before, sort of, like it was the first real thing she was experiencing.

It would be easy to assume that the disconnection between her mind and body had been another case of disassociation, so easy that Sakura almost couldn’t explain why she knew it had been different. The best way to describe it would be to say that one experience felt like watching herself from far away and the other felt like she had been a marionette.

“Haruno-san,” the doctor/medic examined in concern when she abruptly stood up.

Iruka-sensei and Mizuki-sensei had left a few moments ago, ignoring the doctor’s protest that Mizuki-sensei couldn’t just burst into a patient’s room. Sakura had not reacted much, too distracted by sudden awareness of her body and surroundings. When everything felt a little more clear, she inwardly thanked Naruto for bringing her to her senses.

Always saving her that one, wait –

Mizuki-sensei had sought out Iruka-sensei in the middle of the night, asking him to come to the Hogkage’s office, because of Naruto. That sounded bad, really bad. She pushed away the doctor’s hovering hands, and her footsteps carried her to the windowsill. The view of the village was blocked out by the many buildings before her. Still, Sakura had spent enough time in the hospital to orient herself. Taking a deep breath, she opened the window and jumped down, the sound of the doctor’s worried cries following her all the way down.

This time her actions were not born of carelessness and paranoia, Sakura had no plans ending up in T&I again. Graceful, like a cat, she landed on her feet and sprinted forward. Scanning her memories for everything she knew about the incident she was about to crash headfirst into, Sakura began considering her next move.

Mizuki-sensei would do something that would get him branded as a traitor, something that would end up with Naruto becoming a genin and making him hate Mizuki-sensei. That was the extent of Sakura’s knowledge.

Logically, she should stay out and let it play out as it did without her. She could not afford to stick out more than she already had, and she would really prefer to gather her thoughts and information, but the incident with Sasuke made her too uneasy to stay back now.

Poisoned, beheaded, drowned.

Too many different accounts, either the T&I had been messing with her or something else was going on. Not to mention the loss of control and the odd dream at the end. Sakura was certain she wasn’t in a genjutsu, but that didn’t mean she understood what was going on or all the rules in her new reality.

Regardless, she could not risk something happening to Naruto. Everything else could be figured out afterwards. She was not a sensor type, but she had spent years by Naruto’s side, and he had a more distinct presence than most. She just needed to focus.

It took her a long, long time before she felt an ink of a familiar chakra signal somewhere at the east. It was too vague to lead her to a specific location, but it was a start. Sakura made her way towards it, sharpening her senses to pick anything that could clue her to where her friend was. Mentally crossing out the heavy populated parts of where she has sensed Naruto (surely, she would have heard more of the incident if it had taken place somewhere public). Sakura made her way to one of the village’s many forests. A sense of unease momentarily plagued her as she remembered her last excursion into the woods, but she mercilessly squeezed it down.

She was not as successful in managing the immense frustration she felt when she had to take yet another break to catch her breath. Weak, useless body! She set off again the second she could breathe without hunching over, allowing her gut feeling to lead her forward, and was rewarded by the faint scent of blood making her path clearer.

Pausing to take another breather, Sakura made her way as quietly as she could. When Sakura finally spotted her friend, he was standing between an injured Iruka-sensei and a hostile Mizuki-sensei. Blue eyes glared rather menacingly, and his voice came out as a growl when he threatened; “If you lay one more hand at Iruka-sensei I’ll kill you.”  

Sakura, now hidden among the trees, felt a little pleased to see him so fierce, so angry without a hint of the nine-tails aura. No matter how close bond Naruto formed with tailed-beast, Sakura had never been able to be fully comfortable in that sinister aura.

Naruto and Mizuki-sensei traded some more threats before a large cloud of smoke engulfed the area as Naruto launched his famous Kage Bunshin no Jutsu. As her little idiotic friend began beating the ever-living crap out of Mizuki-sensei, then Sakura felt the tension leaving her body. He did not need her help. Good. Getting involved would no doubt bring too many questions.

Now that that concern was laid to rest, Sakura allowed herself a closer look at the giant scroll Naruto had been holding. It had rolled closer to her as the fight erupted and was made of an old and expensive material, that was all she could determine from this distance, but it was also enough to pique her interest.

After making sure Iruka-sensei wasn’t paying attention to her general direction (distracted as he was by Naruto’s fight). Sakura tightly coiled her muscles with chakra and sprung her hiding place, grabbing the scroll in one swift movement and returning to safety of the trees quickly.

Likewise, she wasted no time opening it, well aware that she couldn’t dwell here too long. It took her a few seconds to fully accept that yes, it was the Scroll of Seals she was holding. Why Naruto had it baffled her completely, but at least that explained how he had learned to make shadow clones.

This was a dangerous, dangerous thing to have in one’s possession, and Sakura could feel her T&I cell closing her the longer she held it. But at the same time, thus scroll has some of the most dangerous and powerful jutsu in the village, sealed away by the First Hokage himself.

The skilled and experienced medical-nin Sakura Haruno had often claimed that she had outgrown the childish belief that powerful and mind-blowing jutsus were necessary to be a worthwhile shinobi, but she had also experienced utter helplessness in front of opponents more gods than men. Before even that, she had grown up feeling inadequate and insecure, always incapable of stretching her own existence enough to fulfill the world’s ideals of being enough.

Sakura wanted power – to feel so powerful that she wouldn’t be afraid anymore. This could be the step in the right direction.

“Iruka-sensei,” Naruto yelled, and Sakura knew her time was running out.

Her memorization had always been excellent, so she consumed as much knowledge as she could before dropping the scroll and disappearing. There was no point in starting a manhunt to find who stole the scroll, Sakura mind would store the information she needed.

The next day Iruka-sensei inquired how she felt, and she thanked him for his concern and embarrassedly hinted to have been the victim of a rather cruel ‘prank’, her sensei was not unfamiliar with the occasional instances of bullying she still experienced, and the doctor? Well, Sakura had made sure that he would not only confirm her story, but also attest she had been in the hospital all night should anyone ask.

Which allowed Sakura to focus on her next problem; Sasuke.

Chapter Text

The introductions, the bell test and their first D rank missions went more or less like the first time Sakura went through them. You know, except that the ‘Sasuke is dying’ genjutsu hadn’t made her faint and she might not have been the first to offer Naruto food like the original timeline. She most certainly hadn’t laughed when Sasuke slipped off the roof while chasing after Tora, the most unhappy cat, and a dozen other small differences she couldn’t possibly hope to remember.

Nothing dramatically different had happened.

Initially, Sakura tried her best to act like she used to around her team – eager, immature and superficial as only a young child ignorant to true suffering could be, but quickly gave up when she realized how little sincerity she managed to put in the act. It hurt too much to force herself to completely hide the resilient and astute woman she had become, especially in front of the people that had made her realize how pathetic she had been. Dropping the fangirl act had been a must to stop herself from vomiting and acting friendly towards Sasuke was the best compromise she managed.

And yet, she wanted more. She wanted Naruto to rejoice, she wanted Kakashi to be proud and she wanted Sasuke to regret every single time he looked down at her.

(Sakura wanted to lock Naruto somewhere safe, she wanted to yell profanities at Kakashi until she turned blue and she wanted Sasuke deader than dead)

Fortunately, Sakura had the lucidity of her mind to prioritize her needs over her impulsive wants this time around. There were a lot of questions that needed answers, and she needed to determine how to best proceed, as well as figuring out what exactly her goals were, both short-term and long-term. To keep things orderly and structured, Sakura (mentally) composed a list:

Main goal: Prevent the destruction of Konohagakure and the rest of the world.

List of objectives that need to be fulfilled to achieve this overall goal:

Object one: Gather information about the mysterious Akatsuki member Zetsu and his even more mysterious benefactor.

It had been her goal before Uchiha Madara had cut off her head, the last missing piece preventing what was left of the Allied Shinobi Forces to fully understand how their enemy kept dominating the battle.

That plant-freak had been behind some of their most devastating defeats, yet no one witness had been left to explain exactly how. Naruto had suspected someone else helped him, but Sakura hadn’t had the chance to ask him more before – …before.

Object two: Sabotage her enemies' plan to capture all nine tailed beasts and restore the Ten-Tails and make sure no one capable of the Reanimation Jutsu remained alive.

The news that their dear village had been set aflame by the people that founded and led it– the people that had fought and bled and died for its sake, had broken many Konoha shinobi beyond what any fleshy wounds could ever dream to accomplish.

It had broken Sakura, Naruto and Kakashi too, albeit in a different way; a long festering wound eating its way through bone. Sakura had foolishly thought there was nothing more Sasuke could do to hurt her.

Nonetheless, as much as it pained Sakura to admit it, killing Sasuke ranked pretty low on things she needed to achieve. Then again, she could probably somewhat tie it up to objective number three: Figuring out why the hell dying reset her back to being a twelve-year-old almost Genin.

Nothing she had ever read explained such a phenomenon, and Sakura had read a lot of hidden scrolls thanks to her position as the fifth Hokage’s apprentice. Not even the scroll with forbidden jutsus helped her in that regard. She would need to find information outside Konoha, as well as conduct her own experiments, which killing Sasuke might prove helpful. After all, the contradicting reports of his death might be connected to the mysteries of the time-travel-loop. Not to mention she would need to investigate her odd encounters with…multiple versions of herself?

Achieving the two first objects required she not only regained her old strength, but also improved the areas she had been weak in. Sakura had come to terms with the fact that she was born with limits that her teammates sprinted past without breaking a sweat, but she intended to gather as many skills and knowledge as possible to arm her for the future.

A month into her new attempt at life, Sakura had improved her chakra-reserves significantly, though not nearly as much as she desired. She woke up at dawn and spent hours meditating to improve her spiritual energy, and the time before and after Team 7’s D missions were spent cultivating her physical energy. Her first check was spent on weights, faithfully wrapped around her waist for 28 days now, and her morning run around Konoha became easier and easier.

She had even managed to convince Naruto to spar with her a couple of times, asking him to ‘teach’ her the Kage Bunshin. She figured it would be a good place to start, as it was the only forbidden jutsu she could use without drawing suspicion.

Not to mention some of the jutsus she wanted to learn, assuming she gained enough chakra-reserves that the attempts to perform them didn’t kill her, could not be attempted in the village without too much collateral damage.

Even with these resections, Sakura was in a pretty good mood when she met up with her team right before the newest D-ranked mission. Holding a large stack of scrolls in her hands, the young Medical-nin was more than ready to introduce to her team the idea of her ‘having taken interest in learning healing jutsu’ and ‘showing them the scrolls she had been reading this past month’. Sakura had been steadily borrowing more and more advanced medical textbooks in order to not arouse suspicion.

It is not paranoid when they have been after you before.

“Sakura-chan!” Naruto waved enthusiastically, “ne, ne, what are you carrying? It’s it some awesome new jutsus? Do you need help?”

The blonde circled around her much like an overeager puppy, and if had Sakura a free hand, you could bet it would have been used to pet his head. Instead, she tightened her grip on the scrolls and the substandard ointment she had made, lest Naruto caused her to lose balance.

“Morning Naruto, yes, I would say I’m carrying some awesome jutsus,” Sakura grinned as she sat beneath the shade of the large tree designed as their meet-spot before this particular mission. Laying down the scrolls on one side and beckoning Naruto to sit down on the other, Sakura continued, “I’ve been studying these texts this past month and have made pretty good progress.”

“Hn.” A voice scoffed in disdain.

Green eyes flickered up towards the sound - towards where Sasuke was idly perched on a tree branch above them. The same old conceited disinterest was imprinted on his face, as he pretended to ignore them as if he hadn’t just mocked the idea of Sakura having learned something worthwhile. As if Sakura hadn’t spotted him being engaged in a childish quarrel with Naruto moments before she arrived.

“Hello Sasuke-kun,” Sakura greeted in a tone milder and warmer than he deserved.

She was not surprised when the greeting went unreciprocated and gently hushed Naruto when he began yelling at Sasuke for being disrespectful. Not because she disagreed, but because engaging as little as possible with Sasuke was the best strategy she could think of to not be tempted to violently slay him.

Not yet at least.

Picking up one of the scrolls, Sakura grinned at Naruto once more, “I’ve been reading some medical textbooks, figured it would be useful to know a little about healing.”

Naruto sat down beside her and leaned in to get a closer look at the scroll.

“Healing? Like regrowing an arm?” Naruto asked with morbid curiosity.

“Nothing that fancy,” Sakura said, a little baffled. Of course that would be the first thing Naruto thought about, “besides that kind of regeneration would go beyond known healing jutsus.”

“Oh…hmm, I’m sure Sakura-chan could figure out a way to do it anyway!” Naruto proclaimed with utter confidence in her.

The ridiculousness of that statement did little to diminish the warmth spreading through her chest. The boy beside her was not her Naruto, not yet, lacking the reliability and astute kindness that would make people flock to him, but he possessed a sweet kind of innocence she hadn’t appreciated when she was young.

She barely resisted the urge to pinch his cheek and coo over how cute he was, and instead told him, more sincerely than anything that had come out of her mouth this past month; “Thank you, Naruto. Encouraging others to do great things is a fine quality for a Hokage to have.”  

“Hehe, really?” Naruto grinned, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly and looking away to hide his blushing face.

It never failed to amuse her how shy he suddenly became whenever she implied she believed he could fulfill his dream. It made her heart clench a little too, but she didn’t allow herself to dwell on the sadness.

“You’ll make a wonderful Hokage, I’m sure of it,” Sakura said, and almost added that she probably wished to see it happen even more than him.

Naruto jumped to his feet and raised a fist to the sky, “I’ll be the best Hokage that ever lived and you Saukra will be the best, er, the best….the best at using healing jutsu! Believe it!”

“I would love to be the best Medical-nin,” Sakura grinned, though it would be more accurate to say she would like to reclaim that title.

Naruto nodded vigorously, “We’ll beat up so many bad guys!”

A teasing reply was at the tip of Sakura’s tongue, but Sasuke chose that moment to insert himself into their conversation.

“More like you will do the fighting and Sakura will be in the background,” Sasuke said, “Medical-nin are not fighters, but work as support.”

There was nothing particularly malicious or overly condescending in Sasuke’s tone, he spoke the words like he was simply stating facts, except the faint hints of dismissiveness when he spoke the word ‘support’. Like he couldn’t fathom why anyone would take pride in that. It infuriated Sakura, but not more than seeing his face usually did, so she just smiled pleasantly at him.

“Not always, Go- Lady Tsunade is a monster at the battlefield, one of the legendary Sannin, and many will say her skills, as a fighter and a healer, was one of the most important reasons for Konoha's victory during the war,” Sakura said, holding his gaze in silent challenge, almost hoping he would dare contradict her.

“Legendary what?” Naruto cocked his head to the side.

Sasuke’s expression rippled - aversion flashing in his eyes before disappearing again.

“She is a Senju,” Sasuke eventually said, and the ‘you’re not’ lingered in the air unspoken.

Indeed, Sakura wasn’t.

It was clearly meant as a discouragement, but Sakura was more bothered by the way Sasuke spoke her shisou’s last name as if it was a curse word. Though, if she was inclined to be fair, she would probably reason that Sasuke’s disdain had more to do with the Senju and Uchiha rivalry than anything personally with Tsunade-shisou.

What a shame Sakura felt more petty than fair at the moment.

Smiling sweetly, she said, “She is! Just like the first and second Hokage. The Senjus really are Konoha’s greatest clan. As expected of our founders.”

Sasuke’s expressions tightened, no doubt thinking of his clan, and Sakura wanted to see him pinched over in agony. Just like she had been, when he told her how he had helped destroy everything she had loved.

“My, my, what an interesting conversation you’re having,” Kakashi said before she could push Sasuke further, appearing on the tree branch next to Sasuke.

The silver haired man had his nose stuck on Icha Icha Paradise, only sparing a short moment to glance down at Sakura and then up again at Sasuke before seemingly returning his attention to the porn book.

Sasuke tsked and twisted his head away from all of them, and Sakura glanced down to hide her grimace from Kakashi.

Naruto glanced at all three of them in utter confusion.

“Er….yeah, we were talking about how Sakura-chan wants to be a Medical-nin, isn’t that awesome?” Naruto tried to catch her eyes, obviously proud to have remembered the correct term.  

Once again, Sakura couldn’t stop herself from smiling at him.

 “Oh?” Kakashi said, and Sakura could swear she heard hints of a smile in his voice, “That would suit you well, I suppose.”

And just like that, her smile disappeared.

Suit you well.

Maybe Sakura should not read too much into it and just interpret the words as Kakashi simply trying to encourage what he thinks is a respectable skillset. Maybe she should interpret them as a sign he had been paying attention to her, and that even though he hadn’t seen her demonstrate her near perfect chakra control with the tree climbing exercise, he reasoned that her remarkable reading comprehension and ability to retain information would make her well suited to such a challenging specialization.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Sasuke snorted in agreement, and at that point, Sakura could not interpret that remark as anything other than Kakashi deeming that she couldn’t possibly dream of becoming more than background support to her teammates with her abilities, or worse, thinking that was her place as the only female in the team.

Cold furry lifted her to her feet.   

The way she clenched her fits would have sent people cowering for cover in the past/future. But for once, the action wasn’t followed by destruction. There was a nasty edge to the smile on her face now. It felt like it should have broken skin.

“I should hope so, I can’t imagine what kind of idiotic person would turn down the chance to learn to heal. Why, what an incredible advantage it would give you in a battle to be able to heal your wounds, to undo the damage inflicted on you. I can’t think of a more useful skill to have against an opponent far more powerful than you, especially since so few shinobi possess such abilities. Not to mention how little defense exists against the knowledge and control over someone’s body function a skilled medical-nin has. Learning one way to heal opens up thousands of ways to maim,” Sakura paused to breathe, and shifted her gaze at Kakashi as she twisted her voice into something more sorrowful, “not to mention I can’t fathom not wishing for the ability to heal your teammates and comrades. Everyone in the team should strive to have the ability to help each other, to take care of each other. Say, Kakashi…sensei, how low would you rate a person who thinks nothing of watching their teammates die because they didn’t bother to learn anything besides how to injure others?”

In the months to come, Sakura would come to deeply regret selling learning Medical Justus so strongly after getting saddled with an anxious Naruto afraid to be powerless as his teammates dies, and an intrigued Sasuke that was approaching medical jutsus much like how Sakura imagined that the psychopathic Kabuto did.

But at the moment, she could only enjoy her teammates’ shocked silence.

Chapter Text

The sky had been enveloped in a haze of sullen clouds since dawn, but it was not before noon arrived, that heavy rain began to fall. It had been slashing through Sakura’s cloak for hours now, soaking the crimson attire beneath and icing her skin. Her patience was running thin and she was severely tempted to abandon the tree she was perched on to seek warmer shelter. And yet, she knew she would find no peace if she gave up on her hunt now.

Suddenly, Sakura’s ears pricked up at the approaching sound of rubber soles squelching across wet grass. Finally, she thought, so cold and tired that she couldn’t even bother feeling apprehensive.

Or guilty.

Reaching for the senbons tucked inside her weapon bag, Sakura’s muscles tensed as she peered into the darkness of the forest. It didn’t take long before he appeared, his dark hair the first thing Sakura spotted from her high vantage point. He moved slowly, lolloping in an ungainly way as if injured. And while it would certainly explain his tardiness, Sakura supposed, it also opened up a lot more questions than Sakura wanted to explore on such low chakra.

Begrudgingly, the pink haired kunoichi decided to delay her attack in favor of scanning the area for hidden dangers. She didn’t sense anything beyond wildlife lurking around, but once the thought of ambush struck her, it was very, very hard to shake it off. Shifting her weight carefully in a manner that made her movements soundless, Sakura timed her jumps from tree to tree matching her target’s footsteps. As she observed him closer, and probably a little longer than necessary, she realized he wasn’t suffering from anything greater than a sprained ankle.

Still, she continued her surveillance until she was fairly certain he wouldn’t drop dead as soon as she laid a finger on him. No matter how valuable that information would be considering her aims today, Sakura had little faith in her ability to keep her cool if that bastard just died after keeping her waiting in the rain for hours.

A small way east of where Sakura had been waiting for him, a river dropped in close to the hillside, running deep and fierce. Sakura allowed him to reach it, watching him as he cupped water in his hands, greedily drinking it in.

A wave of hesitance traveled through her body and Sakura had to roll her shoulders to loosen her muscles. This was not a spur of the moment impulse, she had been planning this murder for months, every pros and cons had already been outlined, weighted and inwardly debated to death. There was no need for second thoughts now.

In order to solve the mystery of her past lives, and to properly proceed in this one, Sakura needed to know what happened with Sasuke. Did T&I and Kabuto mess with her or if every murder attempt from now on would come with multiple choices for cause of death.

It might be somewhat useful if that was the case, but Sakura doubts any advantages would be worth the amount of suspension and confusion that would bring. So, she needed to experiment. Since Sasuke proved to be too much of a high status target….well, Sakura had been forced to improvise.

After spending the last couple of months rereading and ‘learning’ from medical books that she not only knew by heart but also helped write improved editions, teaching Naruto basic reading skills that every fucking adult around him failed to do and watching Sasuke disregarded every selfless and humane teachings of medicine, Sakura was infuriated to point of murderous rage.

Hunting down Iwashi Naoki - a lowlife genin that spent his free time between missions preying on young civilian girls from poor villages in the Land of Fire, had seemed like a good idea. But that depraved man had not only made her wait hours in the rain, but also dared to clumsily dip his head into the river, looking haggard and tired after finishing a simple bandit arrest mission for the village.

Even if Sakura found a way to prove his misdeeds, he would wake free again, the Iwashi Clan would make sure of it. After all, it was not as if he had hurt anyone that mattered, nor had any of Konoha’s citizens been touched. He was a perfect choice for her experiment. His death would evoke just enough attention that she could keep an eye on conflicting stories, but not enough to cause concern.

Not to mention Sakura would not lose any sleep after killing him, or so she thought.

Careful, lest you devolve a habit of murdering any Konoha shinobi you dislike, a small voice inside her head warned. Thinking about how Danzo had been allowed to roam free, Sakura wanted to argue for the merits of that idea but figured that arguing with herself was exactly that kind of instability she swore to avoid.

Iwashi lifted his head from the water and used his wet sleeves to dry his face, ignoring or perhaps too slow to realize the rain made any dryness impossible. Sakura held back a sigh and gracefully descended to the ground. The wind carried the scent of the muddy soil beneath her feet. It reminded her of all the times she spent curled inside trenches, furiously observing the devastation brought upon by the war.

The reminder was almost comforting – bringing the same kind of relief rage did as its counterpart of masked sorrow.

Sakura drowned Iwashi, careful to make it look like carelessness on his part and headed back to the village just in time to see her Kage Bunshin finish up her study session with her teammates.

She tried (failed) not to speculate how Sasuke's expression would have twisted if she slowly sunk him into a river and watched the life slip away from his eyes.

Naruto gulped nervously, “Sakura-chan is scary.”

After taking a moment to wipe the sweat off her face, Sakura twisted her face towards him, and raised an eyebrow. The blonde mumbled something unintelligible and ran off, hopefully, to contribute to his part of the job and not just gawk at her ‘accidentally’ hurling heavy planks to the ground.

Today’s D ranked mission involved assisting in the construction of a new teahouse. The weather was still terrible, and the owner frequently showed up to complain about their progress and make disparaging comments about her and Naruto. Well, mostly Naruto, but he always managed to insult Sakura too.

“I’m still not sure I feel comfortable allowing that,” the owner paused as if holding himself back from saying something too distasteful, “creature wandering about. Think of the effect it could have on this Tea House reputation!”

“With all due respect-” Sakura had once tried intervening, but he had immediately interrupted her.

“They sent me a little girl? Truly, I’ve been given the bottom of the barrel today.”

Sasuke, of course, received no such harassment. Figures two shitheads would be drawn to each other, Sakura thought when the owner invited Sasuke to join him for lunch. Sasuke had, either out of some loyalty to his teammates or just because of a general inability of politeness, rudely turned down the offer. Sakura’s bet was on the latter.

So, seeing as Naruto was tainted by the nine-tail from the Owner’s perspective and Sasuke had apparently insulted him by not joining him for lunch, Sakura was the one forced to interact with him.

“Ma, the world is filled with a lot of different people,” Kakashi had said when he witnessed her woes. Acting as if he was teaching her an important lesson on the world.

Sakura didn’t particularly care for his comment but, credit where credit's due, Kakashi did pop up close by her whenever the owner came around to rant. It didn’t really do anything to disprove the ‘useless little girl’ image the owner had of her, but hey, that was what the whole hurling planks in the ground gimmick was for.

At least she could use being ‘exhausted’ as an excuse to drop medical lessons today. Sparing her the ordeal of having Naruto and Sasuke over at her house, yet again. Not wanting Sasuke over didn’t need explanation, but Sakura was ashamed to admit Naruto's messiness and aggravating loudness never failed to disturb the neighbors and caused her the most grief. She prayed for a quiet evening where she could spend her time trying to find out what people were saying about Iwashi Naoki’s death.

Lost in thoughts, the day was finally coming to an end when Sakura suddenly heard a pained yell that sounded too much like Naruto for her blood not to start pumping. She made her way towards the sound in record time and her eyes immediately zoomed into the gushing wound on Naruto’s forearm. A quick scan revealed no other apparent injuries.

One thing that set off almost every warning bell Sakura could think of was Sasuke standing next to him – red eyes, a katana dripping with blood - with green glowing hands. She couldn’t remember stepping between them or violently shoving Sasuke to the ground, but the sound of Naruto’s gasp and the sensation of him tugging on her sleeve was clear as day, if only because it reassured her he was alive.

Still, she didn’t take her eyes off Sasuke, and hissed, “What are you doing? What did you do to Naruto?”

Laying on the ground, Sasuke looked genuinely surprised at her accusing tone, he opened and closed his mouths a couple of times before he glared at her fiercely.

“The dope hurt himself,” Sasuke nodded at a bloodstained metal stake next to Naruto.

Sakura absentmindedly tuned out Naruto conformations about how he ‘tripped’ and how ‘teme had just been trying to help, not that he needed help!‘ and so on. Instead, she watched Sasuke warily through narrowed, sharp green eyes, muscles tense and fingers itching for a weapon.

The eyes glaring back at her were not red, they did not have dark pinwheels in the middle, and for that reason Sakura managed to restrain herself from tearing him to pieces.  

“I was trying to help,” Sasuke gritted out between his teeth when Sakura didn’t say anything.

“Really,” Sakura said, ”it looked like you were planning on doing the opposite of helping, considering your Mystical Palm Technique can’t even keep a fish alive, yet you dare to try using it on Naruto.”

“Ne, Sakura-chan, he didn’t mean anything bad,” Naruto said.

Sasuke flushed with a mixture of anger and embarrassment. He rose from the ground and stepped closer to her, dark eyes trying to stare her down. As if Sakura would be intimidated by that marginal height difference. They were both ignoring Naruto’s mumbles now.

“Hn. Shows how much you know. I’ve long mastered healing fishes,” Sasuke said, which was bullshit as Sakura witnessed him fail at it two days ago, he continued saying; “I figured this would be a good opportunity to try my skills at humans.”

A good opportunity, he thought Naruto getting hurt was a good opportunity.

Sakura was reminded by how Sasuke had dismissed medical chapters about pathology as it wasn’t really ‘something he needed to learn’ or the times he scorned Sakura’s attempts at talking about the importance of respecting life. They were shinobis, killers, that was a fact. But medical ninjutsu was something magnificent and special, and Sasuke had so little respect for it even when he was learning it. Focusing almost entirely on how he could use it to heal himself and hurt others.

Resentment was coiling through her, ready to propel her towards heinous actions.

Sasuke would deserve it. He truly would.

“I see, “ Sakura said with a carefully neutral voice, even though careful and neutral couldn’t be further away from what she was feeling.

The tension grew almost unbearably heavy when she reached into her weapon bag, fishing out a sharp kunai which she held out between her and Sasuke. It gleamed beautifully, promising to cut deeply. The hint of fear in Sasuke’s eyes made something warm curl up inside Sakura, something thrilled and loud, and Sakura was reminded of squealing happily every time Sasuke made eye contact with her back in her academy days.

Sakura stabbed the kunai into her left thigh. Before anyone had the chance to act on the utter bewilderment on their face, Sakura reached her other hand to heal the wound. Still keeping staring into Sasuke’s eyes, she said with a saccharine voice, “Here is a tip; don't inflict your shoddy healing jutsu on others when you yourself don't want to be subjected to it, dickhead.”

Sakura burrows underneath her duvet a little before midnight. She wasted hours circling the marketplace without catching any news about Iwashi Naoki. Making her already darkened mood worse. At least the facial expression to the haughty soon-to-be teahouse owner when he saw her stab herself had almost been worth the half-assed lecture Kakashi had given them on behaving appropriately around clients. Not to mention Sasuke had been pretty quiet afterwards, even when Kakashi had announced that he found a good medic willing to help them out on their noble goal of having a team with decent medical knowledge. Good to see Kakashi was adhering to his life motto ‘better late than never’ by finding them an instructor 2 months after they began this whole endeavor.

Sakura would have screamed into her pillow to get out her frustration if she had the energy. The fact that the Chunin Exams were nearing, if talk around the village could be trusted, cheered her up a little bit. But it also made her concerned about the whole wave mission, she couldn’t remember which exact day they had taken it, only vaguely remember them finishing near the Chunin Exams. Perhaps someone else had taken the mission?

She couldn’t bother to make herself care too much either way. Holding herself together was enough work, and though she was mostly happy with her efforts. No prison, no being eaten alive. She could do this, with a clear goal in mind, there was no one steadier than Sakura Haruno. She could do this, Sakura repeated it a couple more times, until she could fool herself into believing it. She could do this. Just as she was about to drift into sleep, a knock on her window put her on high alert. The kunai underneath her pillow was pulled out and she cursed herself for not putting traps around her house.

The sight of Sasuke through the window did little to calm her down, but she still forced herself not to react with her first instinct. Careful footsteps carried her to the windowsill, and she took the time to study Sasuke, who looked pale and pained. As she came closer, she noticed him clutching his hand in a strange way. Honestly, what was up with people getting themselves hurt these two days? Sakura hoped for Sasuke’s sake he hadn’t sought her to heal him.

The second she opened the window, Sasuke collapsed to the floor. Sakura laid a hand on his shoulder, planning to haul him up and out her window, but paused as she felt dampness. Her hand slid up to his face and she noted how cold, pale and clammy his skin was.

Her voice carried a note of warning when she asked, “Sasuke, what have you done?”

The dark-haired boy’s breath came out ragged, and he glared up at her with accusatory eyes.

“You’re the one who said I should test my healing on myself.”

Oh, Sakura was going to kill him.

Chapter Text

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

Sasuke’s breathing was uneven, but his respiratory rate stayed below 20 breaths per minute, and Sakura saw no signs of central cyanosis. Her ears managed to pick up a high-pitched wheezing sound whenever he exhaled, indicating inflammation and narrowing of the airways.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

His pulse was weak and slightly irregular, around 104 beats per minute, and while she had no equipment to measure his blood pressure (she would not use her chakra), the young medic was quickly able to assess the blood flow through peripheral tissues by squeezing the nail of his index finger until it turned white and took note of how long time it took for the color to return.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

Circulatory collapse? Malignancy? Pulmonary embolism?

Too many possibilities. Sakura didn’t even know what Sasuke had been attempting, nor did she have any idea why he would come to her when it was so apparent that he needed to go to the hospital.

But no, against all logic, he was here with her.

Tick tock.

A long sigh escaped her lips as she shifted her focus to the hand he was clutching. Intact skin, no redness or swelling. Passive flexion, extension, supination and pronation all caused Sasuke to winch in pain, but the wrist’s range of motion was normal. Years of experience allowed her to notice the unnatural amount of chakra simmering just beneath the surface of the delicate bones of his right hand. Palpating the area with her thumb quickly confirmed her suspicions, since it caused Sasuke to bite his lip to hold back a scream.

“A broken bone…you’ve endangered your life trying to heal an itty-bitty broken bone,” Sakura said and ran a hand through her hair, “you are disturbing my sleep instead of going to an actual hospital because you were too impatient to wait 2-3 days for a such a small injury to heal by itself. What is wrong with you?”

To Sasuke’s credit, he looked faintly embarrassed, but not nearly as much as he should be. He opened his mouth to say something – something unpleasant if the glare he shot her beforehand could be trusted, but a shudder went through his body and he dropped forwards. The sharp bones of his knees dug into her thighs, and Sakura instinctively placed her hands on his shoulder to stabilize him.

His trembling body was slick with sweat and Sakura was all that kept him upright as he gasped and heaved for breath.

“I don’t want to-,” Sasuke hissed, “...go there. Just help me.”

He demanded it as if she owed it to him to try.

I can kill him, Sakura seriously considered, but that was nothing new, not even for today. What followed, on the other hand, was more alarming: I can hurt him. I can serve his vocal cords, not even allowing him the relief of screaming as I tear his flesh piece for piece – grotesque images; peeled skin and ruptured organs and intestinal neck rings and – I could gouge out his eyes, pour scorching liquid inside his ears, and, and -

“Sakura?” Sasuke interrupted her thoughts, his voice sounded impatient and anxious and everything in-between, “can you help me?”

How peculiar, Sakura thought as she watched him struggle for breath. She had seen Sasuke in much worse perils before, but she couldn’t remember ever seeing him this small. He certainly hadn’t acted this young in her memories, always so cool and collected, appearing years older than Sakura.

He looked like a lost twelve year old boy now. Perhaps it was because he had been all alone in the Uchiha district, among the ghosts of his lost family, feeling his chakra tear his body apart. Perhaps it had shaken him, made him think that he would die there. He looked like he was afraid to die.

Her hands (since when?) were cupping his face and her fingers caressing the shallow hollows of his cheeks. It was hard to gauge which one of them was most unsettled by her action. Both of them eyed each other with considerable uneasiness.

Awkwardly, she drew back her hands and cleared her throat, “I’ve been trying to check just how badly you’ve messed up.”

With a pale and frowning face, Sasuke decided to ignore her odd behavior and asked, “And what is your assessment?”

A traitorous part of her felt pleased by the expectant look Sasuke leveled her with, the implied trust in her competence was flattering, especially considering how much of her skills she had hid from him. If only it didn’t make her feel burdened as well. She hated that she needed to remind herself to continue exploring the idea of just letting him die.

Aggravated, she bit her lower lip and looked away from Sasuke, weighing the pros and cons. It didn’t take much thinking before she realized Sasuke’s death would cause far more trouble than she needed.

There was no rush, she would have plenty of opportunities in the future, opportunities where she wouldn’t be the primal suspect. Sure, there was plenty of plausible deniability in this case, Sasuke did this to himself after all and…well, all she would need to do was prevent him from seeking help - no, she couldn’t take the chance. The fate of Iwashi Naoki was still unconfirmed, meaning she still didn’t know how death worked in an odd reality. Visiting the T&I once was already far too many times for Sakura’s taste.

She would have to play this cautiously.

Sourly, she began saying, “My assessment,” but paused when he eagerly leaned closer to her.  His proximity irked her to the point she became very tempted to punch him, only resisting because she was certain it would cause him to collapse.  So, instead, Sakura settled for not-so-gently poking his forehead, “My assessment is that you are incredibly foolish , what kind of idiot thinks it’s a good idea to experiment with medical jutsu? Of course, we need to go to the hospital. How els- Sasuke, are you listening to me?”

He stared at her with wide eyes, and his face twitched through a few different expressions before he managed to say; “Y-You!”

In silent bewilderment, Sakura watched him scramble away from her with a speed that made her worried he picked up some of her malevolent thoughts. His hands flew towards his face, though only his left hand made it, seeing as moving his right arm pained him too much. He guarded his forehead and glaring fiercely at Sakura, he sneered, “Don’t do that.”

Sakura blinked.

Okay.

Raising a fist, she knocked him unconscious.

A gentle rain fell upon them from the sky, but Sakura barely noticed, focused as she was at the task of sharpening her weapons. The repetitive motion was calming, and Sakura felt more like herself the longer she continued. The peace didn’t last long as her companion asked:

“Are you in love with him?”

Sakura snorted in a very unladylike manner. Now that was words she never expected to hear coming out from Hanabi Hyuga lips, especially not while they were isolated deeply in enemy territory. The younger girl had been so quiet the last few hours that Sakura had half-suspected she had fallen asleep, and yet her voice sounded as clear and alert as always.

“Is this really the best time for a girl talk?” Sakura arched an eyebrow, momentarily pausing the work of sharpening her kunais, “Which ‘him’ are we even talking about? Wait…this isn’t some misguided attempt at protecting your sister, is it? Because Naruto is like a bro-“

“I meant Sasuke,” Hanabi turned her gaze at Sakura, even though the byakugan made it unnecessary, “I want to know if you’re still in love with Sasuke.”

Heavy silence descended as the two-woman stared each other down. The pink haired kunoichi didn’t want to dignify the question with an answer, not when she knew that nothing she said would change what Hanabi believed to be the truth. The purpose of this question was to gauge if Sakura was ready for what needed to be done, if she was ready to hold her old teammate accountable for his crimes.

Last time Sakura had hunted Sasuke down, she had hesitated, and now rumors of a destroyed Konoha had infected their army.

“In love? Do you think my heart has any room left for such a feeling anymore?” Sakura smiled without any warmth.

Hanabi shrugged, as if to say she didn’t care for Sakura’s heart, and her voice was unforgiving when she said, “I suspect you’ll make room for it, if Sasuke gives you an excuse.”

The medical personnel of Konoha Hospital had no idea what an enormous favor Sakura had done them by knocking Sasuke out and saving them from having to interact with him. If she had known she would be forced to stick around to reiterate what she believed had happened again and again she certainly would have endured Sasuke a little longer.

Unfortunately, Sasuke’s orphan status meant that his teammates were his emergency contact, and since Kakashi was difficult to get hold of, the staff assumed Sakura wanted to keep Sasuke in company. After a multiple failed attempt to weasel her way out of it, Sakura gave up and slouched unhappily at the chair next to Sasuke’s bed.

The medic responsible for Sasuke was hesitant to divulge their findings with her, but she picked up enough to realize that while their initial treatment had been enough to save Sasuke’s life, the state of his right hand was still undetermined.

It would serve you right, Sakura thought, not being able to use your hand.

“Would you like some tea?” One of the nurses asked, a sweet older woman who looked like she was barely resisting the urge to pinch Sakura’s cheeks. The pink haired girl appreciated her restraint, not sure she would be able to take the mortification if the woman gave into her desire.   

“I would love some, thank you very much for offering,” Sakura bowed her head respectably.

The woman patted her head, “Good, good. You look dreadfully pale! I’m certain your young friend will be fine, so be sure to take care of yourself.”

Sakura fixed a polite smile on her face and thanked the woman again. Silence descended when the nurse finally left, leaving Sakura alone with Sasuke and her thoughts. Last time she sat by his bedside and waited for him to wake up, worry had relentlessly been gnawing at her, but now only resentments festered.

Just like back then, Sasuke looked so small and fragile.

A strange feeling crawled up her throat when she remembered Sasuke unconsciously grabbing her hand while they were transporting him to this room. His grip had been so weak Sakura had no issue freeing herself from it, but the unease she had felt still lingered.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

She had done well, all things considered, and could continue as planned. There were still so many things that she needed to accomplish. What happened with Sasuke tonight shouldn’t affect her too much, who knows, maybe he would end up permanently disabled thus eliminating the need to kill him.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

What an infuriating sound, her eyes scanned the room, easily locating the hospital standard clock at the center of the room. She wondered if anyone would notice if she took out the batteries, most likely not, but then again, she could easily ignore it.

Her nails dug into her forearm, and she wondered how long she had been hugging her knees to her chest. She stood up to stretch her legs and went to the window to gaze out at Konoha. It was beautiful, almost just as she remembered it. Last time she had really taken the time to enjoy the view from the hospital was a little before the war. Ino had been with her, at least that was the way Sakura remembered it.

Ino.

Sakura hadn’t really allowed herself to think about her. A part of her still felt a little raw after meeting Inoichi Yamanaka at the T & I. She wasn’t sure she could interact normally with him, so she avoided the house altogether.

But she had gone off topic, Ino had been with her last time, or maybe not, at least she was certain Hanabi had accompanied her when she looked at the ruins of Konoha. They had both been so horrified, so crushed. Sakura wasn’t certain why she was remembering this now, or why Hanabi’s words haunted her. It had been years since they had that conversation.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

This was actually kind of funny, if you think about it, Sakura had worked hard to restrain herself from killing Sasuke these past months, so hard in fact, that she forgot how difficult it had been to make herself want to kill him in the first place. Or how desperately she had wanted him to return to them. They really gave him so many chances, hadn’t they? In a way, it had bonded Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi together, for who else could understand their obligation to Sasuke?

Sakura's feet carried her to his bed, she crawled onto it and lay down beside him. Green eyes watched his chest rise slowly and sink, sleep softened his features and thought to herself; he didn’t look like someone who would cause the world so much pain.

Would this image show up in her mind the next time she raised her hand to kill him?

“Sakura, you’re heavy.”

“Sakura…who did this to you?”

“Thank you.”

 
Would it cause her to hesitate? Was her resolve already weakening?

“Sakura, you’re heavy.”

“Sakura…who did this to you?”

“Thank you.”

“Can you help me?”

A familiar hollowness chewed at her insides. The mixture of shame and pain that meant Sasuke to her as surely as the smell of disinfectant, the sound of Naruto’s voice and the swirl of the leaves meant Konoha.

“Sakura?” Sasuke mumbled confused as his eyes fluttered open, still half-asleep with pain medication.

Tick tock.

Tick-

Oh.

It was her that was ticking.

“Sak-!”

Placing a pillow over his face and pressing down hard, Sakura didn’t leave Sasuke enough breath to speak. He struggled weakly, incapable of defending himself, his hand barely able to reach her elbow. It reminded her of when he tried to grab her hand, and it made her even sicker this time.

She was hunched over him, arms shaking and tears forming but never falling. Eventually, Sasuke stopped moving, but Sakura continued pressing down a little longer to be sure.

Never would she ever make room for Sasuke in her heart again, if she had to tear it to pieces to make sure of that, then so be it. It was a price she was willing to pay.

A cup shattered on the floor, but Sakura didn’t give the nurse a chance to scream.

Chapter Text

Call it pride or plain stubborn stupidity but killing herself right after ending Sasuke reeked too much of a sappy love drama for Sakura’s taste. Perhaps that was a strange thing to focus on, but then again, her mind could shift to far more concerning directions if she allowed it, such as ‘should I really be doing this?’ Of course, ‘this’ thing she shouldn’t be doing wasn’t even clearly defined in her head. She had already knocked out the nurse, shut the door and begun cleaning away the broken cup. Sasuke was dead, which inconvenienced her in a lot of ways, but stubbornness demanded that she didn’t treat it as such a big deal. After all, there was no real reason Sakura couldn’t continue on with her very solid plan.

Protecting Konoha as a hated Uchiha-murdering missing-nin worked out relatively good for Itachi, didn't it?

Oh fuck, Sakura inwardly cursed as she rolled the knocked-out nurse underneath Sasuke’s bed, lets not think about Uchiha Itachi right now.

Indeed, the fear of the T&I was more than enough for the moment. Her hands blurred through an assortment of hand signs that concealed the woman under a genjustu that hopefully wouldn’t be seen through too fast. It would buy Sakura some time, but not nearly as much as she would need. However, if Sakura were to kill the nurse then… well, with no witness to explain what happened, it would take the investigators considerably longer time before they decide to hunt her down.

Sakura could even leave a shadow-clone behind, allowing it to answer whatever questions she would have been brought into answer, no wait, terrible idea. The young medic-nin would need all the measly chakra she had in order to put as much distance between herself and Konoha. Not to mention how much quicker they would suspect her if her shadow-clone disappeared before their eyes.  

Killing the nurse, on the other hand, was probably a decent idea, well, not morally perhaps, but a quick glance at the dead twelve-year-old murdered by her hands made it pretty obvious that Sakura wasn’t acting in a manner most people would define as ‘morally right.’ It didn’t mean her actions were wrong, if one looked at the greater picture, it would be equally obvious that Sakura was doing what was necessary to protect – no, to save the world.  

Yes.

The nurse needed to die in order to improve Sakura's chances of saving the world. It was a necessary sacrifice, and if Sakura failed to properly honor it by succeeding this timeline, then the nurse's death would just be temporary anyway, right? Exactly. Sakura nodded to herself and crawled under the bed, the genjutsu kept the woman invisible, but Sakura could still touch. For a few seconds, she rested a hand on the face of the woman whose only sin was being in the wrong place at the wrong time, the woman who kindly offered her tea. Somehow, Sakura managed to make herself move her hand over the woman’s head, fingertips infused with chakra, and like a surgeon, steady and precise, Sakura cut and sliced the nurse’s brain. Just to be certain.

When she crawled out, she couldn’t help but to feel bad for going overboard. So, for fairness sake, she did the same to Sasuke. Also, since she was at it, she sliced his heart too, it’s not like he used it much when he was alive anyway.

Stumbling backwards, she ran a hand through her hair and thought, oh kami, I really need to stop wasting chakra.

Which again, might seem like an odd thing to focus on, but fuck it, she needed to get out here, pronto.

She leapt out of the window.

In hindsight, Sakura came to realize while packing weapons and food for her flight, she could have taken the nurse with her and locked her somewhere in the village. That way, no one would have found and interrogated the woman before at least morning. It wasn’t a particularly brilliant plan. Sakura would waste precious time looking for a good location, not to mention she would risk being spotted, and the woman might be found too early or late and a million other flaws that did nothing to lessen the nauseating guilt that threatened to crush Sakura beneath its weight.

She - she didn’t have time for this, coming back to her house had already been a dangerous move; however, it was not like she could have fled the village with nothing but her pajamas. It was not the time to be second guessing herself. And yet Sakura wasted more time rocking back and forth on her heels, taking slow, even breaths until the heavy weight in her chest waned enough for her to stand up. Speaking of weight, Sakura slipped a hand beneath the dark tank she had changed into and took off the weight around waist. She didn’t allow it to fall to the ground and cause a ruckus, instead she walked over to her desk and laid it there.  Her body felt lighter, but her mind didn’t.

For some reason, her eyes were drawn to the notebook at the right corner of her desk. She stared at it for a little while before she managed to identify the feelings swirling inside her; longing, regret and resentment. She wanted to leave behind a message. An apology, to her parents for the mess that would follow, the suspicion and animosity that would fall on them. Would they be ashamed of her? Or maybe they would refuse to believe she could have done such things. Not their little girl. Alternatively, she could write an explanation to Naruto (and Ino), so they might understand. Maybe it would be enough for them to eventually forgive her.

Picking up a pen, Sakura began writing, then striking-out the words, and then repeating again and again until the whole paper turned to a cluttered mess. A frustrated sigh left her lips and she ripped out the paper and threw it away. Her next attempt went equally bad, so she threw away that paper too. A pile of crumpled papers grew around her as she desperately attempted to get it right, until only one page remained. Her pen hovered over the paper once again, uncertain and so sick of writing down botched apologies and explanations, maybe that was why something entirely different unraveled. Sakura hands moved almost as if possessed, writing down words before thoughts had time to fully form. Her growing aggravation caused the pen to pierce through the paper many times. In the end, Sakura felt drained, and a little mortified when she read what she had written. A part of her wanted to tear it to pieces or burn it so no one ever found it.

And yet, she let it be and tried not to dwell on what Kakashi would think if the letter made its way to him.

I’m starting to become tired, even though I know I can’t afford to be, not yet. There are things I need to do, things that need to be done, and what happened to Sasuke was one of them. I had no choice. I don’t really know why I’m writing this to you. You'll probably think this is nothing but an excuse, and there is no excuse for what I’ve done, right? ‘In the ninja world, those who break the rules are trash, that's true, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash.’ That’s one of the few things you taught me, and I wish you hadn’t. It caused me more harm than good, because I still struggle to leave behind the things that I should while knowing little about how to truly be there for those I want.

I keep messing it up, this and that and the writing and everything. I have lost so much, and I’m trying to protect what’s left, even though it doesn’t feel like it's quite mine. Do you ever feel this way? There are so many things I don’t know about you; I only have shallow conversations, disappointed expectations and biased judgments of actions I’ve never really understood why you choose. I guess that’s all you have left of me too. It makes me wonder, maybe, just maybe, if you would understand me if I explained it to you.

And it makes me wish you could have been someone I could talk to, Kakashi-sensei.

Sakura passed through the gate of Konoha without any hindrances and for a few sweet seconds, relief was all she could feel. She felt it again when she finally succumbed to sleep after running non-stop for three days and no cell wall appeared when she opened her eyes. And then again, when she found a cave to sleep in, and after the first full meal she eats in a shabby ramen stall somewhere in a distant part of Fire land, and again when she was finally out of the land her village resided in.

The brief moments where the storm of negative feelings stilled long enough for Sakura to almost feel safe became more and more frequent the further away from Konoha she came. Surprisingly enough, she never saw any hints of anyone pursuing her outside of the horrifying scenarios playing inside her mind. Sometimes, it brought more fear than comfort, because surely, things couldn’t be going this smoothly. What if she had already been captured? What if she had never escaped? Leaping through trees, sleeping inside dark caves, keeping her head down and walking through small towns, Sakura couldn’t stop herself from wondering; what if. Once again, she speculated if she was caught in a genjutsu, putting her hands together and whispering “Kai” multiple times didn’t shake off her doubts completely. Still, her thoughts might lean towards suicide more often than what anyone would consider healthy, but Sakura could at least confidently say that maiming herself again didn’t strike her as a good idea.

So, progress.

A few weeks after escaping Konoha, Sakura was not only sore from sleeping restlessly on hard ground, but also dangerously close to getting a cold after being exposed to rain and winds the last couple of days. Thankfully, she had packed warm clothes, and the bag she had stored them in was sufficiently waterproof. But no sun meant drying her clothes was a slow affair and she didn’t dare start a fire. She hesitated to visit a town for more supplies, the constant rain kept washing away the mud she had smeared over her hair, thus revealing the all too eye-catching pink hair. Normally she would have just used a cloak, but it got torn to pieces when she almost plunged to the ground in her sleep-deprived phase of this little expedition.

Moreover, she was utterly exhausted from toughing out the least trafficked routes of wild forest terrain and increasingly stressed after almost running afoul of four different groups of Konoha shinobis. Her body was reaching its absolute limit, unused to such extreme pressure. She would need to rest properly before she started to dip into reserves her body needed to live.

A plan, half-baked and desperate, kept her going three more days until she reached a cheap inn. Disguising herself as an unremarkable man in his thirties with the Henge no Jutsu, Sakura rented a room for a couple of days and tried her best to calm her nerves, which was difficult considering just how close to Amegakure she was. She laid tossing and turning in bed that felt too soft, and the night was more than half over before any sort of uneasy rest claimed her.

She looked for the bodiless one, not wishing to be alone, not after spending so much time in the cell. The others were difficult to speak to, even when they weren’t reenacting their death. The head was angry, rude and dismissive, but she was as close to normal as anyone got here.

Wherever here was.

A place for broken things perhaps. She stumbled once again and mumbled a few curing words. It was very hard to move forwards when your neck was twisted, adjusting one’s eyes was taxing.

If only she could find some company.

Sakura woke up with an uneasy feeling of...otherness, which she chose to ignore to focus on the present. If something could be learned from killing Sasuke, besides not doing it in a hospital where there were plenty of potential witnesses, it was that something would eventually mess up her plans. The world was conspiring against her, or at least it felt that way. And by the world, she mostly meant herself, since to be fair, her actions had caused most trouble. So, the days on the run had occasionally given her time to think, and the conclusions she had drawn from the short moments of reflection was that she needed to make the most out of the time she had before something else went wrong.

And with that reasoning, Sakura went as close to Akatsuki’s main base as she dared.  Okay, obviously joining the Akatsuki was unrealistic, even if one ignored her current subpar fighting abilities. Itachi would kill her, no hesitance. Besides, Sakura wasn’t too interested in Pain’s Akatsuki anyway. Tobi, or Obito Uchiha, was the one she needed to survey. The plant-guy seemed to be close to him, so she would be killing two birds with one stone that way. Of course, she had no idea where either of them was at this point of time but it wasn't an issue. She needed time to build up her strength before she could go after them. Being close to Amegakure served two purposes, keeping a close eye at the activities of the members and giving her the perfect subject to use one of the forbidden jutsus she learned.

After three months lurking and experimenting, Sakura felt ready. Also, the whole ‘moving past maiming herself’? Well, forget that.

Chapter Text

In a small town close to Amegakure, Sakura and two Akatsuki members were sitting inside a tea house.

Before going into the details of her first meeting with the Akatsuki, in this life that is, the three months of preparations needed to be explained a little bit. And while she was at it, the concept of forbidden jutsus:

Most forbidden jutsus earned their ban by falling into one of three categories.

One: Jutsus that violated the laws of nature. Sakura had found that description rather vague the first time she read it, but years spent fighting the reincarnated corpses of fallen foes and friends cleared up her confusion on that matter. Unsurprisingly, it was also the category of forbidden Justus she was least eager to explore.

Two; causing so much collateral damage that self-preservation and common sense forced the village to ban it. No one wanted to risk an eager novice destroying the village or losing control and accidentally annihilating a small fishing village.

The tragedy of Sakana, the village swallowed by flames, had upset young Sakura when she first read about it in their history books in the academy. Dreams of the ground collapsing, and blinding light haunted her for weeks until Ino managed to assure her that unlike the foolish leader of the Tsuchigumo village, their Hokage would never allow such a thing to happen. The Sandaime had even banned that dangerous technique to keep his village safe, her dad said so; therefore, Sakura had nothing to worry about.

But Sakura was Sakura, so she was still worried, but the nightmares stopped and in their place questions arrived. Their history books were woefully lacking details, as it mostly focused on warning their young minds of the dangers of powerful jutsus. Sakura agreed with the lesson, but she couldn’t help wondering; What was the jutsu? Who made it? What happened to the person who caused the accident? When she grew older and became an apprentice of Tsunade, she began to wonder if it really had been an accident.

Anyway, Sakura was digressing, the tragedy – the jutsu, Dohatsuten, was not important in the grand scheme of things. Considering just how much chakra was needed to perform that lovely jutsu, Sakura probably wouldn't attempt to use it in a long time, that is if she ever manages to overcome the fear of accidentally massacring a village of innocent civilians.

More importantly, the third category of forbidden Justus, which included the kage bunshin no jutsu, was the one where ‘jutsus that caused harm to the user themselves’ fell into.

While avoiding self-harm or sacrifice was impossible with some of these jutsus, others needed training or certain abilities to execute without any consequences. Like how Naruto’s insane chakra allowed him to create hundreds of Shadow Clones, an amount that would kill most high-level shinobis, while creating one exhausted Sakura.

Sakura wished exhaustion had been her biggest concern in her last expedition. But alas, the guilt caused by the tied-up girl crying in the corner had weighed heavier on her than even all the traveling and preparations she had been up to. Sakura hadn’t kidnapped her – the girl had followed her up to the inn room voluntarily, lured in by the promise of a few coins. It was simple. Sakura, using the Henge Jutsu to impersonate an older man, walked up to one of the many girls selling themselves at the streets of the buzzing city far south of Amegakure.

The girl hadn’t been chosen at random, no, Sakura had been watching and deliberating for days until she found the most suitable one. She had needed someone close to her current age, someone plain and insignificant, and something about the girl’s dull eyes made Sakura think no one would bat an eye to her disappearance.

Not that Sakura had been planning on killing the girl. Ethical and moral issues aside: the girl dying of the jutsu Sakura intended to use would mean future complications and severely limit the usefulness of said jutsu. Sakura experiments somewhat assured her that direct death was unlikely, but since she always undid the jutsu rather quickly, she really didn’t know the long-time effect.

Well, I’ll find out now, Sakura had thought as she stalked towards the tied-up girl. Gently, but firmly, placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder and forcing her to sit straight. The young medic had examined the girl; she had been a small, bony thing with crooked teeth and rough skin. Tears rolled down her face, but her eyes looked vacant. Perhaps there were hints of fear there too, or perhaps she was too gone for that. Still. Wide eyed and mouth gagged. She hadn’t made a sound when Sakura plunged a poorly made syringe into her throat.

“Sleep, when or if you walk up, I’ll be wearing your face,” Sakura had whispered before she performed the hand signs needed for the jutsu, each more complicated and tiring than the last.

The Ryōgae no jutsu was supposedly created with the purpose of stealing kekkei genkais. It was an incredible jutsu which allowed the user to exchange body parts with another’s in the blink of an eye. You only needed to be in range of the person you wanted to use it against, and the exchange didn’t have to be 100% equivalent. The jutsu only allowed a few centimeters to be exchanged at a time, but if one was clever, a few centimeters could cost the target their whole life.

Sakura was clever, she always had been, but it had taken her years to learn how to use that cleverness. And the possibilities of this jutsu made her mind buzz with ideas and excitement. There was only one problem, one huge drawback which earned this jutsu its ban; the violent and gruesome reaction one’s body could have to the newly acquired parts.

‘The body parts began turning against me.’

The scroll hadn’t really gone into the details, but Sakura had worked in a hospital and had seen enough complications of organ transplantation to hazard a guess. There wasn’t really a way for her to assure compatibility in terms of ABO blood type, but she had experimented exchanging a few facial features with random people for months without immediate complications.

And she was confident that her medical skills could handle any unexpected issues that might arise.

The jutsu itself worked quickly, but painfully, like tearing of skin and rubbing salt into the injury. Her face ached, and every new addition felt like hundreds of needles digging into her. Sakura always reversed the jutsu, seeing as a new nose or different cheekbones looked too wrong and unnatural on her face. It didn’t take long before she concluded that a whole new face from one person would be the best.

At least that way she wouldn’t have to worry about the different features fitting together. And thus, her hunt for a perfect face began and her search led her to the young unfortunate prostitute.

As soon as Sakura finished the last hand sign, the change followed swiftly. Like molten metal, scorching and excruciating, the effects of the jutsu submerged her flesh and reshaped her features. But instead of stainless steel, a tear-streaked and dirty face greeted her in the mirror along with dull brown eyes and dark hair.

The tears began to flow once more, which Sakura found it odd since she wasn’t feeling sad, but perhaps her new eyes were more prone to tears? Glancing back at the girl – now with pink hair dyed brown by mud and green eyes that were closed (my green eyes), Sakura noted that no tears could be found on her face.

Uneasy, Sakura decided it was time to move on to the next stage of her plan, relocating the girl into a town far, far away. Somewhere running around with Sakura’s face wouldn’t create problems.

Sakura carried the girl a few miles before she decided killing her would be easier. For all involved, after all a girl like that couldn’t be expected to survive for much longer anyway, especially not confused and alone in a new environment. If anyone from Konoha ran into her…they would do much, much worse. Death was a mercy, really. Sakura wasn’t killing her for selfish reasons, the uneasiness of seeing her own face on someone else didn’t bother her so badly that she wanted the girl dead.

She hadn’t wanted her dead.

But Kami, snapping the girl’s neck, had made Sakura feel a little more herself.

So, anyway, back to the small town close by Amegakure, inside a tea house was Sakura and two Akatsuki members sitting only a few tables away. One of them was her target, the energetic and loud blonde, Deidara, whose Explosion Release kekkei genkai was something Sakura very much wished to acquire. Perhaps she even would have attempted to steal it if he had been alone. But his partner, Sasori of the Red Sand, complicated things by simply being there.

It was not that Sakura thought she could take on Deidara but dealing with one Akatsuki member felt a little less nerve-racking than dealing with two. Nonetheless, Sasori joining was not exactly unexpected. Considering Sakura’s plans of eventually murdering him, and thus hopefully bringing Tobi out of his hiding place, it could be a good thing.

Taking a large mouthful of tea, Sakura held it until her gums burned, and then swallowed. There was dried blood underneath her fingernails, and she felt a violent itch just beneath her skin. She knew that they were watching her, perhaps they have been watching her for longer than she had been watching them.

The Akatsuki was a small organization, extremely powerful of course, but small, nonetheless. If they were somehow capable of monitoring the people in the towns near their main base close enough to notice her, then that was something she needed to keep in mind next time. But right now, it didn’t matter, not really. She had contacted them, albeit indirectly, asking around for someone who could perform a very specific task and they had come. Which meant they were paying attention to her now.

Gritting her teeth, Sakura stood up and walked up towards the two men, who didn’t pause in their discussion on what ‘true art’ was, not even when she took a chair and sat down next to them.

Deidara had his elbow on the table, with his face in his hand and body turned towards Sasori, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say, Sasori’s puppet. His blue eyes were animated, and he was speaking with such enthusiasm that Sakura almost believed that he hadn’t noticed her.

Almost.

“Danna, look at it this way, true and pure terror only lasts a little while before it even begins to dull, un?” Deidara said with a wicked grin, “once something reaches its absolute maximum it will never be as complete and beautiful again. The best time to pluck a flower is when it's fully bloomed, un.”

“Are you certain you want to stick to that metaphor? Flowers can be immortalized,” Sasori answered in a low, cracking voice that reminded Sakura of the way branches popping and snapping from the heat of fire.

Deidara looked offended by the idea.

“Who the fuck immortalize flowers, un?” Deidara’s eyes snapped toward Sakura as if expecting her to either defend or explain the concept.

To say Sakura was surprised would be an understatement. She half-expected them to continue ignoring her, and she certainly didn’t know the best way to answer that question, so she shrugged.

Deidara sighed as if disappointed, “Artless people….anyway, you want to hire me for a job, un?”

Essentially, though Sakura wasn’t sure how she felt about the direct way he spoke of it. Considering that the abilities best suited for the job was Deidara’s explosions, it might be obvious that Sakura had wished to appeal to him, but the way he casually acknowledged made her uneasy.

So did Sasori, watching her with a blank expression.

Resisting the urge to dry her sweaty palms on her pants, Sakura drew in a deep breath and said, “I’ve heard from the people in the town that the Akatsuki is a group of shinobi that exist outside the usual system of hidden villages, right? That you are willing to take on work without…being limited by politics.”

Visibly bored, Deidara nodded and gestured for her to get to the point.

Afterall, he knew what she wanted, but wanted to know who she wanted it done to.

Sakura tried to arrange her face into something suitably nervous but determined. However, her mouth felt too big and her nose too small and everything felt so wrong that Sakura doubted the result was convincing.

So, she focused on her words instead. “As you know, I want the total destruction of a couple bases.”

“Whose?” Sasori asked, straight to the point and unnervingly focused on her.

“Does it matter?” Sakura asked, fully aware that it did.

Deidara grinned, “Of course, how else are we going to determine the price, un?”

They watched her with a lazy sort of malice, like they could snap her in two with a flick of their fingers. Two predators watching a helpless mouse. Fear almost made Sakura fist clench and she wished to flash her teeth. The habit of punching her nightmares was hard to ignore, especially when experience had taught her that few things were as scary as they seemed after her fists had broken them pieces. And the memory of Sasori breaking made the skin of her knocks tingle.

But Sakura needed to stick to the plan, mad and risky as it was. It was a great chance to take on one enemy, but also create a working relationship with the Akatsuki. He would be occupied, so the best chance would be now.

Leaning back, Sakura asked; “Okay, how much is needed for you to destroy Orochimaru’s Otogakure?”

Chapter Text

Her words were met with total silence.

Deidara tilted his head slightly to the side, a mixture of curiosity and disbelief coloring his face, while Sasori regarded her coldly with the same blank, unreadable expression his puppet always wore. Sakura kept her gaze slightly lowered, not wanting to appear too confident. A lot of her plan hinged on them underestimating her. The new large brown eyes she wore, all wide and innocent, certainly helped sell the image of an easy prey. Not that it would be beneficial to be seen as too meek either, since she didn’t want to be entirely dismissed. Afterall, she wanted them to agree to destroy as much of Otogakure as possible.

“You want us to destroy Orochimaru’s base?” Sasori asked at last, and if Sakura hadn’t heard him speak in this exact tone before, fighting him many lifetimes ago, she probably wouldn’t have recognized the hints of threats in it.

The temperature inside the tea house turned unusually warm. Close to boiling in fact. Sweat began to sting her eyes and even her armpits felt damp – a most unusual occurrence. Sakura’s mind felt clear, calm and collected, just as she had trained it to be under situations of stress. And Sasori didn’t frighten her, how could he when she had once crushed him to pieces with her bare fists? Sure, she wasn’t capable of repeating said feat in her current state but not even dying could truly hinder Sakura anymore. So why did she have to clench her fists to stop them from trembling?

Gritting her teeth, Sakura decided to temporarily ignore the oddity and focus on the matter at hand. She straightened slightly, lifting her chin, “Yes. I can guarantee Orochimaru will not be a problem. He is currently preoccupied and as long as you complete the job within the next two weeks he won’t interfere.”

Or maybe within the next week, Sakura wasn’t certain how far the Chunin Exams had progressed, it was not exactly easy to access news from Konoha. However, it was better to be safe than sorry, so the faster Otogakure was destroyed the better. Sakura opened her mouth to discuss the price but instead she nearly jumped out of her skin when Deidara’s fist slammed the table.

“Ha!” the blonde started laughing so hard he doubled over in his chair and his eyes began to water, the sound echoed through the room, “Y-you! Hahaha! That’s not a boring request at least, un!”

As Deidara continued laughing uproariously, Sakura decided to reevaluate the best way to proceed. Obviously, an amused Deidara was a good thing, she certainly wanted him to, if not outright like her, at least not be inclined to immediately murder her. However, Sasori’s reaction was concerning. He seemed displeased by the suggestion of attacking Orochimaru, which was odd considering Sakura distinctly remembers him giving up Kabuto (and thus Orochiumaru) when she killed him.

Had she misunderstood their relationship? Considering how unsuccessful that little endeavor had been, Sakura suppose she couldn’t rule out the possibility that Sasori only gave them the information in hopes that Orochimaru would kill them all. Still, it was not like she could just give up now.

“As for the price,” Sakura said as Deidara’s laughter began dying down, “I think I-“

“I sincerely doubt you have means to pay for such a… arduous service,” Sasori interrupted, the claws attached to his lower back swiping threateningly side to side like displeased feline, “even if we ignore the amount of effort needed to destroy multiple concealed areas, which are no doubt heavily fortified and guarded by skilled shinobis, the retaliation that will follow when Orochimaru is no longer ‘preoccupied’ will certainly make it not worth whatever sum you can muster up.”

Both Sakura and Deidara frowned in response, though for completely different reasons. While Sakura tried find a subtle way to convey that Orochimaru wouldn’t be much of problem, since the third Hokage would do quite a number on him, Deidara twisted his body so that he was facing the puppet master and huffed, “Oi, danna, way to make us sound like wimps,” the mouth in his hand opening and closing as he waved it at Sasori, “pissing Orochimaru is plus in my books and the job sound fun, so neither of those things are problems.”

Then, pointing a finger at her, the blonde's lips twisted as if trying to hold back a smile, ”Let’s hear how much the girl is offering – oh, wait, she asked how much we wanted, so at least 500,000,000 ryō, yeah?” Sakura could see his stomach shaking as he fought a new gale of snickers, his smile razor sharp when he looked at her, “For each of us, un.”

It was obvious that he had little faith that she could pay that much. Heck, Sakura didn't think she had ever seen that much money, much less owned it. Still, she smiled. The fact that Deidara decided to humor her despite not believing she could pay reassured her. This was not a man motivated by greed.

Crossing her legs together, Sakura leaned backwards in her chair and allowed Deidara to see how unfazed she was, “500,000,000 ryō you say? That’s encouraging to hear.”

“Oh?” Deidara raised an eyebrow, “that’s doable for you?”

“Nope,” Sakura grinned, “not all, but I’m offering something much better than money.”

Intrigued now, Deidara leaned closer and asked, “and what is that?”

“This is a waste of time,” Sasori mumbled, but they both ignored him.

Not for the first time, and probably not the last either, the small voice in Sakura’s head questioned if this was a good idea. Sakura polite told it to fuck off. This was necessary and she would make sure to take out Deidara before this decision could bite her in the ass. So, still smiling, Sakura said, “Have you ever heard about the Dohatsuten? The tragedy of Sakana?”

The way Deidara’s eyes kindled, like dormant coals breathed upon, slowly, then all at once, answered her question well enough. The air became charged with a fanatic sort of tension, and Deidara’s body practically vibrated to the point Sakura worried he would explode.

“Have I heard of it,” Deidara repeated with disbelief and sprang up from his seat, “you’re asking me if I’ve heard of the closest thing to perfection this world have ever experienced?” he raised up his hands, looking like a man speaking of religion, “I desire nothing more than to surpass its glorious beauty!”

That reaction was much more…excessive than what Sakura expected. She watched him all but foam over the jutsu a little while longer before asking, just to be certain, “So, teaching you the hand signs would be payment enough?”

Deidara’s head snapped towards her, looking insulted, “Payment? That jutsu is art, don’t you dare compare it to something as useless as money!”

She flinched at the acidity in his voice, once again a reaction seemingly out of her control, and had to force herself to speak her next words with coolness, “Of course, it's priceless. That was why I felt reassured when you said that mere money would be enough for you to complete the job,” taking a few seconds to slow down her breathing, Sakura continued, “so, will you accept the mission?”

A rattling sound emerged from Sasori’s puppet, making Sakura’s hair stand up on the back of her neck. Before she could fully slip into a flight or fight mood, Deidara placed a hand on Sasori’s puppet, and said, “Easy there Danna, we get it, you’re not interested in this, but I think the girl has made a very tempting offer.”

Blue eyes focused his attention on Sakura, “Sit down girl, un.”

She – she hadn’t realized she had been standing, her feet pointing towards the exit and fingers twitching for a kunai. Again, concerning, increasingly so when her tense muscles fought her when she tried to sit down again. And she was warm again, so fucking warm.

“Good, good, now that we have all calmed down,” Deidara grinned, “let us speak of explosions! You can teach me the hand signs?”

Sakura nodded, “Yes, if you agree to the missio -“

“What stops me from skipping the mission and just torture the information out of you?” Deidara interrupted, still grinning, and Sakura was reminded just who she was dealing with.

Oh, Sakura realized.

Since Sasori had been more openly antagonistic, Sakura had subconsciously begun seeing Deidara in a better light, feeling he was more reasonable. In hindsight, it was painfully obvious that the Akatsuki duo must have intentionally set up their dynamic this way. Classic good cop and bad cop, right? How embarrassing of her to fall for it. They were both equally dangerous enemies.

Sasori seemed to notice her quiet contemplative, “Nothing to say? I suppose Deidara does make a rather good point.”

He did. There was no point in arguing that that torture wouldn’t be effective on her, that she would kill herself before giving them the satisfaction of breaking her. Such words would only be taken as a challenge. And Sakura didn’t avoid the T&I this time around to try out torture from the Akatsuki instead.

Releasing a breath, Sakura said, “You could torture the information out of me, but that would be rather short-sighted of you.”

Deidara shrugged as if to say, ‘short-sighted and impulsive is my thing’, but still looked willing to listen. On the opposite side of this was Sasori. His gaze turned, assessing, and Sakura got the distinct impression that he wanted her to impress, and if not, well, he probably wouldn't mind hurting her.

So, she needed to appeal to both Deidara’s impulsivity and Sasori’s habit of thinking ahead.

Sakura raised up her left hand and slowly, yet effectively, broke all five fingers one after one. For a moment, a silence fell between them, and Sakura allowed it to linger long enough for Deidara and Sasori to fully appreciate what she had done. Then, she healed her fingers without breaking a sweat.

“I have other things to offer. Certain skills that you might need in the future. And as long as I remain whole and healthy, I might even acquire new skills and jutsus to offer you,” Sakura said, “we can have a good working relationship.” Then, shrugging with feign nonchalance, Sakura added, “You can torture or even kill me if you change your minds later, but who knows what more you might gain from me before that?”

Deidara and Sasori exchanged meaningful glances, too fast for Sakura to analyze, but the way Deidara looked at her afterwards made her think they reached a decision.

“Well, that’s not a bad pitch kid.”

The whole area was swallowed up by a searing light so intense that Sakura felt blinded even though she had kept her eyes closed the whole time. An enormous blast of searing heat followed seconds after and scorched the air and earth in a way that made Sakura doubt any life below them, not even microorganisms, survived.

Still pressing her hands against her ears, Sakura tried her best to keep her balance on top of Deidara’s giant clad bird, which was harder than one would think. She nearly plunged to the ground when Deidara violently slapped her back in his excitement, not that he noticed, jumping up and down yelling something Sakura’s ruptured eardrums couldn’t catch. Infusing her fingertips with chakra, Sakura healed her ears and the slightly burned skin on her delicate new face.

Deidara was still yelling, “-uitful! This is true art, glorious and fleeting and powerful!”

He looked at her expectedly, as if waiting for her to launch into an equally passionate speech about art and whatnot. One glance at the utter destruction the Dohatsuten jutsu had created and the knowledge that one of Orochimaru’s bases was gone made it easy for Sakura to grin manically and shriek, “That was awesome!”

“WHAT?” Deidara yelled.

“I SAID THAT WAS AWESOME !”

“WHAAAAT?” Deidara yelled again.

“I SAI-“ Sakura stopped, feeling a little ridiculous. So, infusing her fingertips with chakra again, she gestured towards his ears, asking for permission to heal him. After a short moment of visible deliberation, which Sakura half-suspected was just for show, Deidara nodded.

Standing on tiptoes in order to reach up, Sakura ignored the threatening hand Deidara placed behind her neck, focusing on doing her job and not the remainder that the blonde could blow her into pieces. When she finished, he grinned down at her, cheerfully proclaiming, “I’m glad I decided not to kill you.”

Yes, Deidara had warned her many times that he might change his mind on their journey here, making Sakura regret coming along. And yet, it was not like she had much choice. In order to make sure Deidara actually completed his job and that the jutsu Sakura offered was real, they all agreed that Sakura would be coming with him to the mission. She showed him the hand signs and tried her best to explain the mechanisms she had read in the forbidden scroll as they came closer to the nearest Otogakure base. It was not like Sakura was capable of performing the jutsu herself, so there was a limit to how well she could teach it. Fortunately, Deidara was a genius and needed little help.

It must be nice, Sakura thought bitterly, to be so gifted that everything comes easily.

“Me too,” Sakura smiled and stepped away from Deidara, “it would be a shame to die before seeing this sight.”

Her answer clearly pleased Deidara, if the head pat that followed could be trusted, he glanced down at his artwork with pride, “It might be the most beautiful piece of art I’ve ever created. Sasori has no idea what he is missing, still, it’s nice to be around someone that properly appreciates it for a change, un.”

The explosion itself didn’t bring her any particular joy, but the knowledge that Orochimaru’s hard work went up in flames along with his loyal followers, that made her positively giddy.

“Your greatest work yet maybe, but I bet you can make an even greater explosion with practice!” Sakura encouraged, eyes gleaming with genuine eagerness. Watching Deidara performing the jutsu was a great learning experience for her.  

The clad bird began to furiously flap its wings again, carrying them forward, and Deidara beamed, “I like the way you think, although I doubt I’ll be able to perform that jutsu once more today, I’ll need a break. By the way, what did you say your name was again?”

Boosting her legs with chakra in order to keep her balance, Sakura said, “It's Haru.”

One could question the wisdom of using part of her last name as her cover name, but Sakura wasn’t confident enough in her acting skills that she dared to tell any outright lies to the Akatsuki. She was already on thin enough ice and at least she didn’t need to put any effort in reacting to ‘Haru’.

“Right. Haru, girl with superb taste in art and knower of suspicious information, you do realize I’ll be taking you with me, yeah?” Deidara asked lazily, as if he didn’t really care about her response.

Sakura barely resisted the urge to frown, except maybe she didn’t, it was hard to tell with her new face. It liked to act on its own, she was beginning to realize, and often in an anxious manner. Sometimes, like in the tea house, it convinced the rest of her body to do the same. It increasingly worried her, but she didn’t have the luxury to worry right now.

“Not be tortured, I hope,” Sakura said, mentally calculating the fastest way to kill herself if that was the case, “I would have preferred to go out with the explosion.”

Tearing his gaze away from horizon, Deidara’s lips tilted into something almost fond when he met Sakura’s eyes, ”It would be a shame to let something so boring happen to someone so promising. I’ll try to make the Leader agree when I give my rapport about attacking Orochimaru’s base, but I can’t promise anything. He'll probably want to meet you, un.”

Great, Sakura was not thrilled. She hoped she could steal another face soon after making Deidara destroy Otogakure, but the more people meeting her and getting familiar with her chakra sign, the less feasible such plans became. Hopefully this will be a short visit.

They reached the village of endless rain right before nightfall. There was a sense of serenity sheathing the land, a quietness only interrupted by the chorus of raindrops embracing the ground. Ugly, broken buildings sprout from the ground beneath them like vines reaching for the sky, and Sakura felt like she was soaring above a graveyard.

Amegakure was a ghost village, and with all the blood soaking the soil, it really was no wonder that the sky never stopped weeping.

Unaware of Sakura’s melancholic thoughts, Deidara directed the clay bird to a building and jumped down the second they landed.

“Come on,” he said, and Sakura hurried after.

The doorway, large enough to fit a giant, was creaked open, and they walked into a dark hallway devoid of any furniture and decorations. Deidara set a brisk pace that made it hard for Sakura to look around, but then again, there wasn’t much to see.

For every step she took further inside, Sakura felt her tension grow and had inwardly remind herself multiple times that this was a great opportunity, she was at the heart of Akatsuki’s base! Just because coming here hadn’t been part of her plans didn’t mean she should freak out. No, calm and collected was the only way to triumph.

In spite of her new resolve, Sakura was ashamed to admit that her heart nearly stopped when she and Deidara turned a corner and ran into Uchiha Itachi himself. The dark-haired man was walking alongside the hulking figure with blue skin and razor teeth, Kisame, if Sakura remembered right.

The shock at suddenly seeing them was almost enough to shatter her self-control and send her running. Fortunately, the split second she had looked into his red eyes hadn’t resulted in her being trapped in a genjutsu. Or maybe it had? Briefly debating if trying to disturb her own chakra flow would be worth the risk or not, Sakura almost missed Deidara’s disdainful greeting.

“Back already? Did you enjoy going home?”

“Hn,” Itachi replied, reminding Sakura so strongly of Sasuke that she almost forgot to breathe.

Whatever Kisame added to the conversation was lost in the sheer panic Sakura felt at the thought of Itachi going to Konoha. Had he gone after Naruto? Wait, no, he had to have gone after Danzo, right? Did that mean he was already aware that a certain Sakura Haruno had killed his little brother? She felt herself spiraling into greater panic and struggled to violently shut it down before she did something foolish.

“-injured, huh?” Deidara pointed out, catching Sakura’s attention as he gestured towards the various cuts and bruises Itachi had. Some of them looked poorly healed and given a couple of more days, Sakura wouldn’t be surprised if a thick yellowish opaque liquid began pouring out of the infected tissue.

Weakness, her mind supplied, something I can use to my advantage.

As if Itachi couldn’t kill her in his current state, completely blind and half dying.

In the darkness, Itachi was a wiry cord of muscle under pale skin, all sharp edges and danger. There was something particularly frightening about someone who’s love and loyalty had grown to be the same as immeasurable cruelty. His voice was hollow enough to swallow nations when he said, “None of your business.”

Then, barely sparing Sakura a glance as she tried to make herself as small as possible, Itachi walked past them, Kisame following amused.

Deidara huffed, a flash of annoyance passed through his features before he placed a hand on her shoulder and began pushing her forward. “Whatever, I hope he dies of those injuries, let us get going, kid.”

Sakura gladly followed, relieved that this was it. But before they managed to take ten steps, Deidara suddenly stopped. He looked conflicted, as if he was weighing a heavy thought.   

“Deidara?” Sakura said as quietly as she could, “why are we stopping?”

With a very reluctant tone, Deidara said, “Because I just had a brilliant idea – a way to make sure the Leader sees how useful you are, and thus avoiding any unnecessary torture, un.”

Sakura had a feeling she would not like said idea any more than Deidara seemed to do. Still, she forced herself to ask, “and what idea would that be?”

Grimacing, Deidara answered, “Well, you are a healer, right? Just what the esteemed Uchiha Itachi needs right now.”

Oh fuck .

Chapter Text

‘No,’ was Sakura’s immediate reaction, though she didn't say it out loud. Interacting with Itachi was a terrible idea. It could lead to nothing but trouble. And Sakura would know. These past weeks could be summarized as nothing but bad ideas and even worse results, but there are lines, kami dammit, and Sakura was drawing it at healing the wounds Itachi no doubt acquired while avenging the death of the brother she murdered.  

Of course, she couldn’t exactly explain this reasoning to Deidara, who silently watched her face twist into a grimace at his suggestion. Sakura didn’t really think he had expected an answer from her, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he probably hadn’t considered it to be something that needed answering. After all, he only made the suggestion to aid her and rejecting such helpfulness would be ungrateful, right?

“Uh…that’s a very, I mean, I’m thankful that you want to help me improve my chances of surviving and all, but…” Sakura’s voice cracked,” Uchiha Itachi?”

Which was not the argument she had been planning to go with, in fact, she hadn’t even realized it was a valid argument before Deidara nodded thoughtfully as if agreeing that objecting to Itachi was perfectly reasonable.

“Huh, he really is infamous, isn’t he? Don’t worry Haru, he is far from the worst one here,” Deidara said, “it’s not like I’m throwing you at Hidan, now that would have been something.”

Sakura didn't appreciate his apparent amusement at the idea of leaving her with a religious psychopath like Hidan. So much for liking her. Then again, what else could she expect from a member of the Akatsuki? It would be silly of her to assume he had her best intention at heart, especially when he was looking out for her because of his own interest and amusement was much more likely. For all she knew he had other motives for wanting her to heal Itachi, like trying to get the former Konoha shinobi in his debt or something. It would be a shame if that really was the case, since it would mean Sakura had no way of getting out of it. Still, she had to try.

“I’m aware I’m at the mercy of everyone here but being in close proximity with someone with the Sharingan,” Sakura bit her lip nervously, “well, there some things worse than death and torture.”

Like endless death and torture.

The Tsukuyomi, Itachi’s favorite attack, altered its target perception of time, subjecting the victim to days' worth of torture in a matter of seconds. It could trap someone in a seemingly endless loop, making them relive the same pain again and again and again. A small part of Sakura already felt ensnared, mindlessly running through scenarios designed to only allow failure. Trying to find purpose in a world that might just have been crafted to make her suffer. Those thoughts occur to her often (is this real? Is this real? Is this real?), far too often, and like ripples stretching outward on a still lake, they distorted her reflection.

She doesn’t know who she is whenever she considers the possibilities of the situation she has found herself in, but she knew that she really, really didn’t want to add psychological damage caused by Tsukuyomi to her already fragile sanity. She hated having to remind herself that no genjutsu could be so elaborated, so well-crafted and that yes, this was real.

If Deidara could sense her apprehension, he certainly didn’t care, because he shrugged away her concerns and said, “I’ll be there with you,” as if that would reassure her.   

“Oi, Itachi!” Deidara turned around and shouted, and Sakura had no choice but to follow him as he began walking towards the direction Itachi and Kisame went.  

The two men hadn’t gotten too far, both standing poised in the doorway Deidara and Sakura had used to enter, their heads slightly turned towards them. As Deidara and Sakura neared, the clay bird outside made a strange sound, its head pecking up as it spotted its master. A most curious reaction from a clay creature created for the purpose of transportation and explosion. Then again, it was not like Sakura knew much about the jutsu Deidara used, perhaps there was more to it. Momentarily intrigued, Sakura wondered if the clay possessed intelligence or a will of its own, her speculation closely followed by the thought; if so, I hope it blows us up.

Sakura sighed, a girl could dream, couldn’t she? Stopping a few steps behind Deidara, Sakura kept her gaze low, and fists clenched.

“I think you might have spoken too hastily, Itachi,” Deidara said, and Sakura could hear the grin in his voice, “your injuries might actually be my business after all.”

There was no verbal response, but Sakura had a feeling Itachi was raising an eyebrow, but she did not glance up to confirm this. Perhaps that was a mistake, if she had paid more attention, she might have seen Deidara’s hand coming and avoided letting out that embarrassing squeal when he grabbed her shoulder and dragged her in front of him.

“This is Haru,” he introduced her, “she is a medical-nin.”

This is Haru, she's my dancing monkey, Sakura mocked inwardly. Then, raising her chin and twisting her lips in what she hoped looked like a friendly smile, Sakura mumbled a soft greeting. Kami, this was awkward. She really hoped Deidara didn’t expect her to promote herself or something. All she had wanted was for Otogakure to be destroyed, not be hired as Akatsuki personal medical-nin.

“Oh? This puny thing is a medical-nin? I can't imagine her being particularly good,” Kisame said, and Sakura’s eyes flickered up to the sharpness of his smile and thought to herself that most people would appear ´puny´ compared to him. But appearance isn't everything, and while being perceived as weak was one thing, being seen as useless was much worse.

“I wasn’t aware being muscular was a requirement,” Sakura replied, her tone mild, “as for my skills, I don’t really see the point in putting much weight in whatever you’re imagining when you can make judgements based on reality instead.”

Not the most diplomatic choice of words perhaps, but the way Kisame’s smile turned even wider told her that showing a little spine might be a good thing – well, either that or he was preparing to eat her. Showing her so many sharp teeth didn’t exactly ooze friendliness.

Deidara squeezed her shoulders, and she could have sworn she felt the warmth of breath damping her shirt along with a hint of something sharper pressing down. Right, Sakura remembered, he has explosion-shiting-mouths on both of his palms.

“Exactly, and we are magnanimous enough to allow you to benefit from a demonstration of said skills,” Deidara said, tilting his head towards the quiet Itachi.

Sakura shifted her gaze to Itachi’s chin and waited uneasily for his reply. But apparently using words was beneath Uchiha Itachi, because all he did was raise his arm towards her, ‘come’ the gesture said, ‘come and show me’. Deidara shoved her forward and the nerve, the sheer fucking nerve of expecting her to come running like a dog made Sakura bristle with anger.  

It made her think of Sasuke, not the foolish, trusting Sasuke she had suffocated slowly in the same hospital ground; Sakura had learned to heal herself and others. No, it made her think of the real Sasuke; the rotten, cruel one who destroyed everything and everyone. The one that needed to be purged from the world, and if Itachi was like him, if he was bound to turn into another revenge obsessed disaster that threatened what she holds dear, if he glance down at her and said, ‘Sakura you’re an-‘

No. Sakura needed to get a grip. She needed to ignore the distress spiking through her veins, clenching around her heart, squeezing her lungs, and sending tingles through her arms and legs. If she allowed it to take hold of her, she might act rashly, again. So, stalking forward, Sakura breathed in and out, trying to calm her heart.  

Itachi was Itachi. Sasuke was dead. And Sakura Haruno would not be shaken by either of them.  

At her approach Itachi’s gaze turned heavier, Sakura imagined his eyes were glistering like blood in the sunlight, but she wasn’t foolish enough to meet them. While he regarded her in silence Sakura got to work on his arm. A closer look revealed to her that the damage was more severe than she had thought. Carefully pushing his sleeves up, Sakura took in the full view of torn muscles poorly patched together and mismatching patches of skin that spoke of unrooted skin.

Huh, not bad Danzo, Sakura thought, you really put up a fight.

Infusing her finger with chakra, she got to work, slowly and steady. It was obvious Itachi had received some kind of medical help, but she suspected it had been the conservative type that didn’t involve any chakra. Still, she could feel the hum of his chakra beneath his skin flowing and twisting to undo the damage he had acquired. Having large chakra stores often had the habit of speeding up a person’s natural healing, aiding cell division and providing energy for enzyme activity.  

Not wishing to exhaust herself, Sakura went with a similar approach. Focusing on strengthening the healing process that was already occurring and not wasting any efforts on anything extravagant. The results didn’t look impressive, as bruises and such remained, but Itachi would feel a clear improvement and that was all she needed for the moment.

“Thank you,” Itachi said when she finished, his tone surprisingly polite.

“You’re welcome,” Deidara said and pulled her back to him, smiling down at her to let her know she had done well, good monkey and all. 

Sakura inwardly cursed him.

“Now, since there is no such thing as a free favors, I think we shoul-“ Deidara began, but was interrupted by Itachi saying; “While I appreciate the demonstration, I have no needed for a medical-nin for my wounds.”

A moment of silence descended over them after Itachi’s dispassionate statement, but it didn’t take long for Kisame to break it with a short bark of a laugh, his eyes gleaming with interest, “Not for your wounds perhaps.”

There was a distinct and unspoken ‘but’ at the end of Kisame sentence, they all heard it, but it would seem only Itachi knew what Kisame was referring to, because his head snapped towards Kisame and he said; “Kisame.” Short, soft and stern.

A warning.

The sword-wielder shrugged unapologetic, and Sakura could read nothing in the loaded look Itachi shot him. Tilting her head up, Sakura raised an eyebrow at Deidara, who looked as lost as she was. Really, Sakura had assumed Kisame had just meant that he needed some healing himself, but Itachi’s reaction practically screamed that something more was going on. How uncharacteristic and unsubtle of the sharingan wielder. Curious.

“If that’s all,” Itachi said, and turned on his heels without waiting for a reply. Kisame followed lazily and both jumped off the building and disappeared from sight.

“Huh,” Deidara said, “weird.”

Indeed.

(Later in the future, Sakura would discover, despair and understand, all the while thinking that she and Itachi are frighteningly similar in some ways)

In the end, Sakura didn’t end up meeting Pain, despite Deidara’s previous comment about that he would ‘probably want to meet her.’ Apparently, he already had, whatever that meant. The Akatsuki were a cryptic bunch, Sakura could only guess that Pain had some way of observing her that she hadn’t noticed. It didn’t really matter, except it really did because it was decided (not by her) that Deidara would continue on destroying Otogakure while she remained in Amegakure offering her services to its population in order to pay her debt.

Sakura had sarcastically remarked that she hadn’t known the Leader cared so much about the civilians, to which Deidara had replied that he suspected it had been someone else’s idea. Which, first of all, what the fuck, and secondly really made her want to kill herself to escape all these half-explanations. Only the fact that this was a splendid opportunity to spy on the Akatsuki strayed her hand. And even that seemed like a weak reason after 3 weeks of playing village healer. The Amegakure people were such a skittish group of folks that connecting to them proved to be an arduous task. In fact, Sakura was seriously considering just running off and had unconsciously begun searching for a new face to steal.

Her current one had become…worn out, you could say.

(Sakura had woken up with blood and skin beneath her fingernails every morning these past five days and healing her torn up face was starting to become annoying/worrisome/chilling/kamiwhatwaswrongwithher)

So, a change was needed. Yes, getting far away from this place seemed prudent. She had been lucky enough to have succeeded in avoiding Itachi since the odd encounter the first day, but who knew when this could change.

With that plan in mind, Sakura finished up her last patient for the day, who actually gave Sakura some interesting news of the outside world. Apparently, the Chunin Exam finals in Konoha are happening tomorrow. A wave of homesickness hit her, and for a brief moment she entertained the thought of going back to Konoha with a new face. Maybe she could live there undetected for a while? Then again, with her luck she would be discovered before taking a single step in. Still, the idea was tempting.

Walking down the dimly lit road leading to the small apartment complex Sakura had been ordered to stay in, Sakura twirled the red umbrella she was forced to buy out of sheer necessity. Deep exhaustion made her bones heavy, and she was dragging her feet. But her mind remained sharp and alert, which was why she was quick to sense the oddness in the air. A hint of danger, something setting off her flee or fight instincts, so she threw a glance over her shoulders, which revealed red ey-

Sakura blinked; she really was exhausted. Kami, at least she only had one patient left, the family better appreciate the fact that she bothered to do a home visit. Don’t be heartless, Sakura inwardly chided herself, those poor people have suffered enough.

Having your loved one go into a coma was truly a terrible thing. Waiting and waiting restlessly for the day they wake up, ignoring the voice in your head that says, ‘if they wake up’. Hope could be a cruel thing, like digging your fingers into a gaping wound. Sakura would try her best to help, but something told her that her patient wouldn’t be an easy case. She wouldn’t give up of course, no matter how long it took, she would get to the bottom of the issue.

Running up the wall and jumping from roof to roof, Sakura hurried to the edge of the village, right past where the endless rain suddenly just stopped. A small broken-down house waited for her, and she barely stopped herself from collapsing from tiredness when she reached the door. It really was far away from the clinic she had been given to do her work, no wonder the family couldn’t bring the comatose person to her. Still, next time she would try to leave the clinic earlier, it was the middle of the night now.

She was welcomed in immediately by the mother of the patient, a lovely dark-haired woman who bowed deeply and thanked Sakura for coming all the way. Sakura gave her a tired smile and asked to be led to the poor child. As she was escorted to the bedroom of her patient, a wave of dizziness hit her, and she raised up her hand to lean on a bookshelf inside the room. Oddly enough, she felt strangely energized the longer she leaned on it, or perhaps she was simply motivated by the sight of the young girl lying in the bed?

No matter, Sakura had a job to do. Taking a few steps until she was at the edge of the bed, Sakura eyed the dreadfully pale girl - ghostly, really. She didn’t even look like she was breathing. Realizing it would be rude to outright ask if the mother had brought her here to examine a dead body without confirming it 100%, Sakura raised a hand over the girl and performed a quick diagnostic scan. Yep, not breathing, her heart wasn’t beating either. So, why did Sakura hesitate in pronouncing her dead? Doing a far more thorough examination Sakura found; partially shut eyelids, fixed eyes not responding to light, rigor mortis, non-existing blood circulation to the brain, and so on and so on.

This person appeared dead. This person had to be dead. This person was dead.

But at the same time not. How odd. Sakura tilted her head to the side, contemplating the possibility of someone being dead but alive and not dead-dead. It was like they were dead now and here, but somewhere else they were alive and well and somehow this meant that they were kind of something in-between. Wait what? She wasn't making sense, something felt off, but she couldn't decide if it was the situation or her. She decided she needed to step back, get her thoughts straight, but then suddenly fingers grasped her arm and dark eyes flashed opened and the girl – no, Sakura’s vision distorted, her chakra flow started reversing, driven by some force outside (within) her control, and the illusion before her shattered.

And then -

Sasuke.

Sasuke was staring back at her, eyes accusatory and mouth open but unable to form words. And Sakura's scream almost drowned out the racket behind her.

“What the-“

“How?”

- her world turned dark.

“I repeat, what the fuck? Did you all see that?”

Sakura woke up, but not in her childhood bedroom. She was in an apartment in Amegakure, feeling exhausted as if she hadn’t gotten a drop of sleep. There was a little blood underneath her fingernails again, but her face wasn’t aching nearly as badly as it had in previous mornings. It would seem she hadn’t torn herself up too badly this night. That was reassuring.

Sighing, she remembered that she had many patients waiting for her today, so no slacking inside her bed. Also, she would have to make another home visit to that comatose child again. What a fascinating case it had been, despite appearing dead the girl seemed to possess some residual life energy. Perhaps it would be possible to wake her up.

 Anyway, new day, new opportunities and all.

Chapter Text

«-ra.»

«-akura-»

« Sakura , » a familiar voice whispered, “is it really you ?”

Yes.

Maybe.

…who knows anymore?

The lingering question (who asked?) made Sakura feel unsettled as the day stretched on. But ‘unsettled’ had become something of a norm in her new life. Maybe that was why she found it so easy to ignore it. Head down, a fake smile painted on her face and hands tirelessly healing and alleviating the wounds of her patients. Day in and day out.  Repetition was vital. Her Shisou had once said that reiteration was an important form of emphasis, a way to engrave lessons to your body and mind. Sakura wasn’t certain which lesson she was meant to be learning, but as more and more days passed, her routine became easier and easier.

Wake up, walk to her clinic and work. Repeat. Wake up, walk to her clinic and work. Something about a hut on the edge of the village. Wake up, walk to her clinic and work. A comatose girl( boy )? Wake up, walk to her clinic and work.

You get the picture.

Sakura didn’t see the point of lingering on boring details, especially when most of it was lost to her anyway - swallowed up the confusing haze she had been trapped in kami knows how long. On and on it played, the clinic and comatose girl and the decreasing amount of blood underneath her fingernails, until something shifted.

A question was asked, a familiar face was seen, and Sakura thought nothing of it. The monotone repetitive routine persisted, until it didn’t. One moment she was wandering down Amegakure, the rain trailing down her calloused skin and tracing the seams of the poorly patched together being camouflaged as someone not named Sakura Haruno, and then suddenly she was aware. Or perhaps ‘suddenly’ was a poor way to put it. Not because it was inaccurate, but incomplete?

Sakura paused in the middle of the streets; an eerie, desolate scene stretched before her. Empty of life save for the crows flying above her. Children were never seen playing on the streets of Amegakure in general, and yet Sakura was holding a yellow ball which she had received from someone today. And it struck her as odd, as did the fact that she had stayed in Amegakure despite having made plans to leave a while ago. And just like that she began noticing the other peculiarities all at once.

Wait. What. How? When? Who?

Raising her right hand to her temple and infusing her fingertips with chakra to take the edge off her pounding headache, Sakura inwardly grimaced. Okay. Her thoughts were in a muddle. She was unusually exhausted, almost as if she hadn’t gotten a proper night of sleep for weeks, and she was ridiculously confused.

There was a yellow ball in her hand. She squeezed it carefully and noted that it didn’t explode. Okay. Glancing over her shoulders, Sakura noticed that one of the crows flying around was watching her carefully. Not wishing to arouse its suspicion, she started to walk again. Towards where exactly was not entirely clear, but her feet seemed to know the way. So, Sakura decided to focus on the things she could understand for now. First, crows were watching her, so Itachi was probably involved.

Itachi.

Red eyes – yes! Sakura had been walking down the streets some time ago. She had seen red eyes and then she had gone to check on a patient who lived at the edge of the village. Same place as she was heading right now. That sharingan-wielding-fucker had put her in a genjutsu! What a prick. But the rest was fuzzy. Something shocking greeted her at home, something she had great difficulties remembering.  

Sakura threw the ball on the ground and caught it as it bounced up. There was someone Itachi had wanted her to heal, maybe, but the sight of them caused her to faint? No, that sounded too damsel-like. Sakura was no fragile civilian with delicate sensibilities, she wouldn’t faint because of shock. They must have knocked her out.

Except they hadn’t.

Wait. They?

A frown manifested itself on Sakura’s brow as she tried to remember who else had been in the room. She had received an incredible chakra boost every time she had gone there. Perhaps it was Samehada, Kisame’s sword? Makes sense, Sakura supposed, Kisame tends to be where Itachi is.

So, she had been caught in a genjutsu and been walking around in a haze the past days? Weeks? Comprehensible enough, even with few holes in her memories regarding what or who she saw in the house. However, the mystery of how she broke out of said genjutsu still remained. It hadn’t been entirely by herself; something had given her a little help. Whether or not that help had been intentional was unclear, but Sakura had no doubt that some external force had been involved.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t much time to contemplate. She was not far away from her destination. At least she would soon be finding out what exactly Itachi wanted from her, assuming she could continue playing hypnotized well enough.

Or she could run away. And by ‘run away’ she meant escape this situation entirely. It was obvious that everything had gotten out of hand and a reset might be wise. If she gets another reset. There was no way of ruling out the possibility that one day her death would result in her staying dead. Decisions, decisions. Leaving would be the most sensible choice. And yet, foolish, or not, an overwhelming curiosity pushed her forward. She needed to see what was awaiting her with her own eyes.

Behind her, the crows began to frantically croke and from a distance lightning cut through the air. A lethal, on the verge of frenzy, aura could be felt from the forest, making the hair on the back of Sakura’s head stand up. A battle was taking place not far away from her, and the crows scattered to aid their master. The rain stopped as she crossed a line separating her from the endless storm that cursed Amegakure and whatever Itachi was hiding.

It was then Sakura remembered.

Earlier this day, a dog had walked past her. A small, pug-like dog with brown fur and a dark brown snout and ears. It had been carrying a yellow ball in its mouth. Sakura had originally ignored it, but it had spat out the ball, which had rolled towards her feet.

She had picked it up, eying the small panting dog curiously and said –

What had she said again?  It hadn’t felt important, but her response had caused the dog to gape in shock. A most unusual reaction considering it had been a dog. They might have stared at each other for a little while, the dog in bewilderment and her with a dull curiosity. The interaction hadn’t lasted long, the dog ran off shortly after saying something.

Walking up to the house and gently knocking on the door, Sakura couldn’t help but to feel annoyed by the vagueness of her memories. Why was she forgetting the important bits of the events? At least she would be getting some answers now.

“Oi, you sure took your sweet time,” Kisame greeted her, “I was almost worried, all things considered.”

Sakura bowed politely, waves of heat coursed through her veins at confirmation that Itachi was most likely not here, and she asked, “How is your daughter faring? Have there been any changes?”

Did Kisame know there was a battle going on not far from them? Of course, he had to have sensed it if nothing else. Perhaps he even had time to relocate the person of interest? Sakura didn’t know that possibility filled her with dread or relief. Before she could think too deeply about it, Kisame grabbed her shoulders and pulled her inside.

“No time. We have company. You’ll either have pull off something like you did the first night or-“

A fierce blast erupted from behind violently tossing Kisame and Sakura to the side. Surprisingly enough, the shark-like man shielded her with his body, protecting her from the worst of the impact. Large, muscular forearms blocked her view of the chaos and Sakura felt small and breakable caged underneath them. So, she opted to pretend she was knocked out. After all, she had apparently fainted out of shock in front of this man so there wasn’t exactly any more dignity to be lost.

She let her whole body go limp and made her breath deep and even. It didn’t take long for Kisame to notice. Clutching her small body not so gently, the blue-skin man let out a string of unflattering curses.

Then, with a speed Sakura had once matched, he dashed them across the room, kicked open a door and threw her into a bed already occupied by another body. Shortly after, the sounds of his footsteps vanished, and the distant crashes of violence and yells of ‘youth’ took its place. But even those sounds grew more and more distant the longer Sakura waited.

Okay.

Opening her eyes, Sakura thought to herself once again; okay. A quick glance down the hall through the now broken down door revealed what looked to be a giant tree trunk where the living room presumably used to be.

Someone had thrown a tree at them. Well, Sakura had a pretty good idea who it was now, and she would bet her ‘youth’ that Kisame would be preoccupied for a while. Which meant she had no reason to delay the inevitable. Because at that point Sakura knew, even though her memories were still taking their sweet time catching up. The talking dog, Itachi’s trip to Konoha, the genjutsu and the sounds of chirping birds.

Sakura knew what she would see when she turned her eyes towards the person in the bed she’d been thrown into. Not even the sight of a ‘girl’ lying there managed to evoke more than a ‘Itachi sure is fond of genjutsus’ from her. Raising a hand, she said “Kai!”, and the illusion dispersed.

Dark hair and sickly pale skin, wearing a white smooth kimono that had sleeves which were far too wide and swallowed his slender waist, was the corpse of Sasuke. His neck was exposed, and Sakura placed fingers where his pulse should have been and felt her heart tighten at the reminder of its absence. She stared at him for what felt like hours but couldn’t have been more than a minute. Her other hand traced his face, and she imagined she saw goosebumps followed in the wake of her light touch.

It really was Sasuke.

How ironic. After spending some much time chasing him, after all those prayers, and all that energy wasted. When she finally grew sick of him and wanted him gone, this happened. Here he was, right in front of her, after all the trouble she had gone through to make sure she wouldn’t see him again.

It really was him.

Which reminded her:

«Sakura,» a familiar voice whispered, “is it really you?”

That had been his question – the dog that is, Pakkun. He had asked if it really had been her, right after she had said, “I didn’t realize Kakashi-sensei gave you toys.” Which was rather astute of the caught-in-a-genjutsu version of her. No wonder Pakku had been surprised. Seeing as Sasuke was here, Sakura might not have been their intended target at all.

Not that it mattered. Sakura had no time to speculate on their motives or dilly-dally for that matter. Sasuke was here, and so was Itachi and Kakashi. Which meant Sakura could have freedom or she could have answers, and chances where she wouldn’t get either one of them if she didn’t decide quickly.

At this point, the choice was easy. Walking away had always been more Sasuke’s style. Infusing her hands with chakra, Sakura tried to resuscitate her old teammate, if you could call it that. A few seconds passed by without any responses, and a few quick scans told Sakura that yes, this was very much a dead body she was pouring healing chakra into. Frowning, she noted, a fresh dead body apparently. Sasuke really wasn’t good at the whole ‘getting murdered’ thing, perhaps that was the real reason Itachi didn’t kill him.

Frustrated, Sakura almost missed the fact that someone entered the room. Almost. He had entered so silently that Sakura only spotted him because she had been waiting for someone to appear.

He was injured, heavily leaning the door entrance, dried blood painting his clothes. For once, the forearm wasn’t covering his left eye, and the Sharingan could be seen clearly. She heard the tired smile in his voice when he said, “Mah, I must say; girls really do mature faster. You look like a different person Sakura-chan.”

Sakura gazed at him with stolen brown eyes and thought to herself, this man knows how it feels to be wearing someone else’s body parts. Which was a strange thing to focus on perhaps, but Sakura still made a mental note to ask him about one day, the next life or the ones after that. Right now, though, she clutched Sasuke’s head against her. Almost protectively. For better or worse, she was keeping him until she understood why she wasn’t getting rid of him. And no one would be allowed to get her way.

Kakashi watched her carefully, seemingly unbothered by her lack of response. He had seen better days, her no-good teacher. Mud and dirt clung to him in a manner that made it obvious that he had been on the road for a while. Not to mention he had been engaging in a fierce fight by the looks of it. And yet, he didn’t seem in any hurry. It felt like forever had passed before he made a move. Slowly walking towards her, towards them. A constricted feeling began to brew as he came closer, and Sakura felt strangled by the air around her. If he tried to attack, she would - she would do something violent.

Against whom was still up in the air. She could still escape, not having all the answers sucked, but returning the Konoha and T&I was worse.

A faint, perhaps imaginary, breath left Sasuke’s mouth and tickled her collarbones. It was enough to divert Sakura’s attention to the boy in her arms. And Kakashi took full advantage of her moment of distraction.

A heavy blood strained hand reached her head and Sakura almost flinched. Gently, Kakashi patted her head and said; “Sorry I'm late. You wanted to talk to me?”

Chapter Text

This was not an entirely unfamiliar scene; she was clinging to Sasuke, feeling lost and staring at Kakashi. Although this time, her former sensei was playing a more comforting role than usual, gently patting her hair. Distant sounds of explosions, blood lingering in the air and the pounding of her heart. This too was familiar. And yet, Sakura had no idea how to proceed.

In the past–well, the one she was currently in–she probably would have cried and hoped things worked out somehow with little input from her. Perhaps such a thought was uncharitable towards her younger self, but Sakura wasn’t feeling particularly lenient right now.

Unlike Kakashi apparently, who watched her patiently, as if they had all the time in the world. As if they weren’t inside enemy territory and a battle wasn’t raging outside. The hand atop of her head was warm and wet, painting her dark hair strands with a bloody red tint that reminded her somewhat of her former pink mane. It was unsettling just how happy that idea made her. That the blood might make her look like herself again. Why hadn’t she thought of that before? Never mind that not looking like herself was the point, because that didn’t make sense either. There was no reason to pretend to be someone other than Sakura Haruno, right? Kakashi’s friendliness was proof of this. So, why had she thrown away her old face again?

Her head hurt. Kami, it had been hurting a long while. She tried to focus, gripping Sasuke closer, but the storm of thoughts raged through her, bringing confusion and fear. Kakashi was saying something again, his tone soothing, yet the effect was distressing. There was so much wrong with this scene. Like someone messing with her again.

Oh.

Oh.

The thought was startling enough to make her flinch away from Kakashi. Abruptly letting go of Sasuke, she brought her hands together and said, “Kai.”

Of course, this had to be an another genjutsu. The real Kakashi would have thrown a Chidori at her first and asked questions later. Fucking Uchiha Itachi. A genjutsu inside a genjutsu was just like him. At least her suddenly breaking out of the other one made more sense, kind of. Strangely enough, the image of Kakashi kneeling beside the bed remained even after repeatedly attempts to disrupt her own chakra flow. No, attempt was the wrong word. Sakura had disrupted her own chakra flow and should have escaped the genjutsu.

“Kai! Kai! Kai!” She continued, her voice turning more and more desperate, but to no avail.   

“Sakura, calm down,” Kakashi hushed her, “it’s okay.”

“No, no, no,” she began shaking her head, why the wasn’t she breaking out of the genjutsu? She should try another method, yes, pain could work. A kunai? Fire? Maybe breaking the bones of her fingers?

Her thoughts were interrupted as Kakashi sharply commanded; “Sakura, look at me.”

And for some reason, she obeyed. Perhaps out of habit or because of the hint of a plea in his voice. Or because she so desperately wanted something to anchor her, that listening to Kakashi seemed like a good idea.

She looked at him and felt a little surprised at what she saw. There was so much regret and pity etched onto his face, twisting his features into something that could be mistaken as trustworthy and kind. But Sakura refused to be fooled, this was an illusion, one way or another.

He raised his hand towards her again, slowly, as if dealing with an easily startled animal. Not an unfair assessment, considering Sakura instinctually scrambled over Sasuke’s corpse in her haste to escape him.

“Don’t touch me,” she snarled, now pressed into the corner, her knees brushing Sasuke’s cold cheeks. “Don’t touch Sasu- or whoever this is.”

And stop looking at me like that , she wanted to add. Stop looking at me with so much pity.

“I won’t ju-“ Kakashi paused. In the blink of an eye, an expression of terror materialized across his face, and then, just as quickly, it disappeared. “Sakura, we need to get you out of here. Perhaps it is fortunate he barged along after all.” He mumbled the last bit to himself before shaking his head. “A little east from here is someone that might be able to help you with-”

Something fell into her lap, a white and red lump of…something.  Sakura raised a hand to her face, touching the area from which it had detached and felt the coldness of her exposed jawbone. Moving her fingers a little further, she touched her teeth. And of course, this was the moment Itachi decided to join them. Suddenly appearing at the doorway. Kakashi noticed him the same time as Sakura did but was much quicker in responding, swiftly moving to stand between the missing-nin and the two genins before Sakura had the presence of mind to panic.

Fuck.

Genjutsu or not, the last thing Sakura needed was Itachi making an appearance. Although, if Sakura was being completely honest, she was starting to realize this wasn’t a genjutsu. Especially as more pieces of her face began to fall off. Oh Kami, she could feel her eyeballs shifting forward.

No wonder Kakashi had looked so horrified.

“Surely disfiguring the medic is excessive, Kakashi-san.” Composed red eyes peered thoughtfully at her. “Deidara will be displeased.”

Right on cue, the sound of an enormous explosion shocked the house.  Sakura hoped not all of Akatsuki was ganging up on her former sensei and presumably Gai. And whoever was in the east.

“I can’t remember you being the type to make jests and certainly not tasteless ones,” Kakashi said. Then, tilting his head, he addressed Sakura. “Take Sasuke’s body and run.”

Sakura shot him a disbelieving look.

“I wouldn’t advise that,” Itachi said, the threat unspoken yet clear as day.

Static energy filled the air and the hair on Sakura’s arms shot up. A metallic taste entered her mouth, and she knew it was only a matter of time before Kakashi’s Chidori lit the room. Leaving before that was wise but taking Sasuke with her would guarantee Itachi pursing her. And yet, leaving him behind before she got her answers wasn’t ideal either.

“Sakura no longer needs to follow your suggestions, Itachi. I won’t allow you to make her a tool to hurt her comrades again,” Kakashi said as he signaled for her to run. ‘I’ll distract him,’ his hand motion conveyed.

Oh, his words distracted Itachi. All right. Just not way Kakashi meant it to.

“Sakura, Haruno Sakura?” Itachi asked tonelessly, a storm brewing, unseen.

Time to go.

Grabbing Sasuke and throwing him over her shoulder, Sakura barely dogged a shuriken aimed at her head. Had Kakashi not already been halfway through the hand signs for releasing the water dragon now tearing through the doorway when Itachi attacked, Sakura was sure the shuriken would have found its mark.

Chakra coursed through her muscles, propelling her and Sasuke off the bed, and she spun on her heels and threw her fist against the wall. The impact was almost deafening, or maybe she only felt that way because her left ear crumbled away along with the wall. Cold air brushed the disintegrating face and she jumped out without looking back.

Her feet hit the ground, the weight of Sasuke forcing her to distribute more chakra to her back muscles in order to keep balance while speeding away. Someone was waiting in the east and Amegakure was north from where she was. So, heading south seemed reasonable. She barely managed to get out of sight from the house before something – crows, began to peck the back of her head, effortlessly tearing flesh out. The pain was nothing compared to the fury she felt. And Sakura made sure the birds knew it as she loosened her hold on Sasuke, grabbed him by his waist instead and used him as cub to hit them. This clearly caught them off guarded, as they almost immediately dispersed, cawing in distress.

Malicious glee made Sakura laughed out loud, but the distraction ended up costing her dearly as it made her miss the tree branch flying towards her. The collision flung her and Sasuke far to the side. As they crashed through a tree, Sakura felt the bone of her lower extremity bend in unnatural directions.

The pain that followed was almost unbearable. She barely held back her scream, so guttural and piercing that she could feel its force vibrate inside her chest. Great, motherfu- she felt too angry for cursing. This really was turning better and better. Everything hurt and she was surrounded by enemies and there was only a question of when someone found her.  Be it Konoha or the Akatsuki.

The effort of healing her legs seemed like too much trouble when she considered just how bad the situation she was in.  To make matters even worse, she could see the crows diving down towards her again, ready to take more chunks of her flesh off. See not hear, because her ears were shutting down quicker than she could say stop grabbing my legs Sasuke –

Oh my.

A hand was grasping her foot, and Sakura did a double take to make sure that yes, it was Sasuke’s hand squeezing her right foot.

“S-sa..ku..ra,” he grasped out, “he..lp..me.”

Surprisingly, Sakura felt calm at the face of this development, unnaturally calm one might even say. Calm, but not rational.

“Sak-“ a swift chakra infused kick tore his head right off, because broken bones or not, Sakura was not dealing with this.

The head bounced against a tree and rolled back towards her.

Half his head was craved in, and he was lying with the mostly undamaged half facing up and one eye staring at her. His face looked almost as terrible as hers now. Which made it particularly disturbing when it twisted into the all too familiar look of annoyance, perfectly conveying; Really, Sakura?

“Are you a Jashinist?” Sakura blurted out, because at this point, it would be believable.

Sasuke glared or tried to. The lack of eyebrows made the expression half complete. Sakura watched him with quiet horrification and fascination. There was something odd about him, besides the, you know, being alive while being head detached from it body. Perhaps it was because she had been in a familiar situation? Headless but not walking around, well, at least she dosen't think she walked around afterwards. 

Sasuke opened and closed his mouth a few times, but the kick she gave him really made a number on him, because forming the words seemed to challenge him even more now. After a little more time passed, broken, half formed words came out.

“..at…don…y..o..me-e..wh..t?” the light in his eyes turned dimer the longer he tried, “wha…y…me?”

Uneasy, Sakura watched him fade away. The muscles on his face turning stiff, his pupil dilating and skin turning paler.

“What have I done to you? Is that what you were…?”  Sakura felt her throat dry up.

Its not like she could answer that question, nor did she feel like it was fair for him to ask. She hadn’t done anything he hadn’t attempted to do against her – as if he had any place questioning why she had tried to kill him. In fact, that wasn’t even really the issue. The problem was why he hadn’t had the courtesy to stay dead.

Footsteps, increasing in volume with considerable speed, sounded behind her.

Someone was coming.

Tired beyond belief now, Sakura felt resolve overtaking the doubt and confusion that threatened to swallow her. She would get answers, but not here. It was time to gamble on a new life, to find out why and how. After searching her clothes for hidden weapons, Sakura realized that she had to come with another way of taking her life since someone apparently took away all her weapons while she was under the genjutsu.

The footsteps were very, very close now.

Sighing, she concentrated chakra into her right hand and forced it between her ribs, right in front of her heart. Wrapping her hand around it felt odd, the squelch of blood exploding from the rapidly beating muscle warmed her fingers. She felt the press of her lungs expanding and compressing around it as she breathed. Slowly, she felt herself grow weaker as she began squeezing it.

The world began to fade, until a bright flash of yellow interrupted the darkness.

Drops of salty water fell on her check and her blurrily vision barely managed the sight of the boy in front of her.

“Naruto?” She asked with a hoarse voice.

“Sakura-chan,” Naruto rubbed his nose with the back of his palm, sniffling loudly, “its okay, I’ll heal you, just like you taught me, believe it!”

Indeed, Sakura could see it now, he was pouring healing chakra into her chest. But he was spending far too much and far too fast for it to do more than momentarily bust of energy. This injury was beyond what his abilities could mend. She was still dying, despite the best of efforts of this bright innocent boy.

Raising a hand up, she touched his check.

“I’m sorry Naruto,” she said.

“No, don’t apologize! We know it wasn't your fault and I’ll save you an-“

She placed a finger over his mouth, it was unfair, but she really needed him to hear her words.

“I miss you so much, you know. So much that it turned me into a coward. I-“ Sakura inhaled deeply in order to power throught the numbness consuming her body, Naruto tied to hush her but she had to continue, “I think I didn’t want you to be real, didn’t want be attached, not until I know I wouldn’t lose you again. I’m sorry, because this is not your fault. “

She wanted to say more, to comfort him, but her body was shutting down. If he was still holding her, then Sakura was unfortunately beyond feeling it. Had she managed to speak the last words? There had been so much else she wanted to say, like thanking him for coming for her.

For recognizing her. For trying to save her. For being here in her last hours.

“Hey!”

A voice echoed in the silence. Her voice. The voice of the older her.

“Listen, listen to me now before you really die. I don’t know if the next one will remember this, but you must listen!”

What?

“We need to talk, to the living version of you – me, us, okay? The next one, the one that wakes up. So-“

The voice was getting weaker, it was difficult comprehending the words that followed, but Sakura swore she heard; talk to, but talk to who exactly?

“…anaka.”

The sixth-time Sakura wakes up on the eve of her Genin exam, the name Ino Yamanaka rings in her head.

Chapter Text

So, sixth life or seventh or maybe it was the fifth? Sakura was having a bit of a hard time keeping up. Let’s say not-the-seventh, because seven was the number of her team and they had been a complete and utter mess, and she was trying to be a little optimistic. Keyword being ‘trying’.

Kami, you would think this whole dying and re-living everything would get easier or something. Instead, Sakura woke up with the taste of iron in her mouth, the sound of Naruto’s hysterical cries as she bled to death in his arms, the image of Saskue detached head, Kakashi’s ‘Sorry I'm late,’ and, to make matters worse, a voice in her headdemanding she talks to Ino.

Stumbling out the bed, she felt disoriented. Her blankets tangled and knotted around her, but she somehow managed to wrestle free without falling face first into the floor. An impressive achievement considering just how disconnected she felt from her surroundings.

The voice in her head– which wasn’t really a voice in her head, not like Inner-Sakura had been– continued to scream ‘Ino, Ino, Ino’. It made her head hurt and felt foreign/wrong/dead. The sound crawling and expanding in corners of her mind like fungus attaching itself to skin. To describe it as unpleasant would be a vast understatement. And yet, Sakura couldn't help feeling somewhat bereft when it suddenly disappeared before she could fully make sense of it.

Especially when other horrible thoughts and images soon filled the void it left.

“Take Sasuke’s body and run.”

Blood beneath her fingernails. Chunks of skin falling off.

“S-sa..ku..ra,” he gaspedout, “he..lp..me.”

Broken bones, torn muscles, crows ominously hovering above, a hand grasping her foot, lungs filled drowning in blood – Kami, make it stop.

“I’ll heal you, just like you taught me!”

Unsteady, she entered the bathroom, a wave of nausea now adding to her misery. Turning onthe water tap with her trembling hands, Sakura splashed cold water over her face and hoped it would wash away her unease. For a brief, terrifying moment, she would have sworn the water felt thick and sticky enough to be mistaken for blood. Gripping the rim of the porcelain sink, she squeezed her eyes shut and slowly counted to ten.

Green eyes opened and confirmed that the liquid in her hands was transparent and clean.

Her mirror, surrounded by a curved oval frame crafted from wood, also showed a reassuring lack of blood on her face. Instead, it flickered between two different reflections: her innocent twelve-year old face and the face she wore when she last died, The one she had fashioned from theft, desperation, forbidden jutsus. Sakura raised a hand to her face, but this only made the reflection on the mirror laugh.

A mad, unsettling sound that echoed in the room in an unnatural way made Sakura wonder if it perhaps only existed in her head. The image turned more muddled and erratic the longer she looked, until it caused her to become less and less certain of which lines, edges, and colors belonged to her.

Then, she punched the mirror, or at least she thinks she did. Her knuckles ached, blood dripped to her carpet, and shattered glass showed multiple versions of her; hat felt accurate at least.

Great , Sakura thought, off to a good start, aren’t we?

In hindsight, Sakura probably should have stayed home.

Her breakdown in the bathroom clearly indicated that she might not be fit for human company in her current mental state. It would have been wise to take time to recuperate and carefully plan next step, but unfortunately, Sakura no longer remembered how to operate wisely.

How exactly she had managed to get through the Genin exam the last time, while being completely out of her mind, was a mystery she failed to replicate this time around. In fact, she might even go as far as to say that the word ‘disastrous’ could not adequately describe just how poorly she did.

The written exam started off normal enough, but her mind become distracted by the cunning curves of certain mischievous letters and hidden lyrics in mathematical challenges provided by hypothetical kunai projectiles and the poorly drawn mustache to the second Hokage and so on. You get the picture. She pitied whoever was tasked to make sense of her nonsensical and gradually more insane answers.

And…the Transformation Technique, well, Sakura didn’t really want to think about what (not who) she created and her rather frozen and terrified reaction to it.

“What even…never mind. Sakura, breath in and out. Calm, and slow” Iruka-sensei placed a gentle hand on her should, “Everything will be alright. Mizuki dispel it.”

Fascinated, Mizuki moved closer to it, “I believe it’s trying to talk.”

“Mizuki!”

“Fine, fine.”

What a grotesque, gory thing she had created. Perhaps a true representation of what she was slowly deteriorating to become. And that was the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? She was getting worse. Every step forward was followed by a trillion steps back. It wasn’tfailing the exam that bothered her, no. Compared to every other thing that had turned wrong before, this was nothing. But it didn’t feel like nothing. It felt like yet another piece of her was twisted and corrupted beyond recognition.

She was beginning to suspect this whole dying thing wasn’t healthy for her, and wasn’t that a humorous thought?

Utterly miserable, Sakura surveyed the newly promoted genins from the swing in front of the academy, slowly rocking back and forth. The cheerful exchanges of congratulations were galling to listen to. Half of them, no, more or less all of them would be dead in the next eight years, yet she was the one deemed as unworthy to graduate but forced to live on.

At least her parents weren’t here. The agreement was that Sakura would come home with news, and they would celebrate outside. Not that they ever did. Mother always spent the day making Sakura’s favorite desserts, and in her first life Sakura had refused to go out and eat more food in fear of looking bloated in front of Sasuke on their first day together as teammates. The appeal of going out and eating seemed like too much trouble in the other lives and it would seem it was not meant to be this time either.

Seeing as how she failed the Genin exam.

She sighed.

There were some advantages to not officially being a shinobi, she supposed. Like not being declared a missing-nin if she left the village. But there was still the matter of debt being paid off. The village was not a charity and would expect seeing some payoff from the money invested in training her up to this point. Of course, her parents had paid for her training equipment and academy books, so  she was not like those orphans who were left with a binding debt to the village. Still, she would be expected to pay off a substantial fee for wasting the village resources if she decided to drop out.

Or she could try passing the exam again, but she saw little point in that since she wouldn’t be on the same team as Sasuke. This made it more difficult to investigate the oddness she had witness in her previous lives.

Then again , Sakura thought, there is nothing stopping me from taking Sasuke out of the village and perform some…experiments that might shed some light to his undeadness.

Before she could fully explore that idea, the sound of approaching footsteps captured her attention. Pausing her swinging, she turned her head to the side and was unsurprised when she saw Naruto.

Dull blue eyes regarded her, devoid of their usual warmth. Too much sadness clouded his normal bright and sunny disposition.

For a blissful moment, the only pain Sakura felt was on his behalf, but it didn't last long.  Still, she smiled gently at him and said, “Hi, Naruto, failing sure sucks, ne?”

Confusion, plain and obvious, spread across his face when her words sank in.

“You failed?” Naruto asked full of disbelief.

Sakura suppressed a smile and nodded.

Naruto looked, if possible, even more baffled.

“But…but you’reso smart!”

Precious little sunshine. She did not know how to explain that her so called ‘smartness’ fared poorly against her newly acquired insanity. Perhaps that was a sign that she was gaining some semblance of sensibility. In fact, this conversation was the most successful thing she had done all day. Never mind that they had only exchanged few words. This was progress. Oh, Naruto was looking at her, probably expecting a response. Um, quick, she had to say something.

“My Transformation Technique was less than successful,” she eventually said, and inwardly congratulated herself for sounding very sane and stable.

“Oh,” Naruto responded, looking a little unsure. “Me too. I mean the stupid jutsu was fine, not perfect, but fine. Mizuki-sensei thought I should pass, but baka Iruka had to ruin everything and–” his lips quivered, the poor baby. He really was upset over failing.  Sakura wondered if he had been equally distressed the other times.

“He is a silly goose,” she said, but those words only made Naruto look at her strangely, so she hurriedly added, “You are more than good enough. I mean, you’re going to become Hokage, right?”

Was that the wrong thing to say? Why did Naruto look upset? His eyes shone with unshed tears and his hands clenched into fists and they were trembling andKami, what did she say wrong?

“Are you making fun of me?” He asked quietly, and that was bad because Naruto never did anything quietly.

Horrified, she shook her head vehemently, not trusting her words. Naruto still looked doubtful, and Sakura wanted so badly to make it go away. An idea suddenly struck her, causing her to jump off the swing and startle Naruto.

“Do you want to play in the swing with me?” she asked. “Wait, that sounds strange, right? The thing is Naruto, I failed too, and, well, I feel sort of strange. Maybe we should do something fun instead of just feeling sad and lost and mad.”

Naruto, bless his heart, only looked at her like she was crazy for half a minute before he responded, very hesitantly, “There’s only one swing. Do you want me to push you?”

“No, come here, like this, but the other side,” Sakura demonstrated by placing one foot on the swing and grabbing the left rope and gestured for him to take the right,” we’ll twirl the rope around and around each other. Then, on the count of three, we’ll both lift our last foot up and allow it to unravel!”

It would be fun. Sakura remembered it being fun, but admittedly, she hadn’t done it since she was an actual child, like, 10 years old. Wait, that was only 2 years younger than what Naruto was now. They were practically children, so this shouldn’t be odd at all. With renewed confidence, she looked at Naruto imploringly.

“Eh, you are acting very weird Sakura-chan,” he said, scratching the back of his head.

Her smile faltered. Oh fuck, so much for sane and stable. “I see. Sorry, I’ll let you be alon-”

“Whoa, I never said I didn’t want to!” Nauto interrupted, his arms flailing in all directions. “You’re acting weird, but not in a bad way! You said nice things and asked me to play with you.”

That smile he sent her was the sweetest thing she had seen in a while, extending to his eyes and voice. When he grabbed the right rope and stoodacross her, he looked bashful and happy. His expression, one full of purity and innocence, was so vibrant and free that it almost hurt Sakura to look at it.

She found herself grinning from ear to ear.

Later, when they were both exhausted from laughing and falling off the swing one too many times, Naruto, laying on the ground next to her, said, “I thought this was a bad day, but it turned good thanks to you.”

Propping herself up on her elbows, Sakura felt the tightness in her chest ease, “Lets pass the next exam together, Naruto-kun.”

"Hah, yeah, I’m going to be Hokage," he pumped his fist in the air, "it doesn't matter how many times they fail me. It’s worth it, believe me!”

Sakura nodded, “Yeah, you are.”

And what a startling thought that was. All the pain, confusion and death were worth it. How could she not have realized it before? Naruto was alive and well in front of her. What a blessing to be able to interact with him again. And not just him; Ino, her parents, even Kakashi and countless others.

It’s sickening that she hasn’t been able to see it before. She is sick, in so many ways, and if she wants to protect this precious person in front of her, she need to heal first. The sooner the better. Some of the damage needed time and patience, but Sakura also suspected part of the foulness plaguing her mind could be directly dealt with.

So, saving her village could wait. Investigating what happened to Sasuke could wait. Seeking help from Ino could not.

After saying her goodbyes to Naruto, Sakura headed home in an unhurried pace, wondering the best way to approach Ino. Her young friend was still a novice in this stage of her life, but Sakura didn’t need anything elaborate. Just someone trustworthy that could take a quick look inside her head and tell her if everything was on fire or not. Seeing as how Sakura didn’t want anyone looking too closely at the mayhem inside her head, Ino’s inexperience was beneficial in many ways.

Finally reaching the street leading directly to her home, Sakura was surprised to see the subject of her thoughts leaning against the door to her house. The young blonde looked lost in thoughts, seemingly not noticing Sakura approaching, and she was holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

As Sakura came closer, she managed to identify the different plants. Poppies, Goldenrod, lovely Zinnias, and blue Salvias.

Consolation, encouragement, lasting affection, and I’m thinking of you.

The absent of the Konoha headband, which Ino had proudly tied around her waist since the second she got in Sakura’s fist life, did not go unnoticed. And if Sakura had the foresight to bring flowers to this meeting, she would have gotten Campanula (gratitude), yellow Tulips (Sunshine in your smile), Purple Hyacinth (Sorrow) and Daffodils (Regard, Unequalled Love).

It was easy to spot the moment Ino noticed her. The blonde’s body tensed, her fingers tightened around the flowers and a startled, self-conscious look entered her face.

“Ino,” Sakura greeted, her heart too full of gratitude and warmth to even think about adding the ‘pig’ part. What a generous, kindhearted, and too good for this world masterpiece of a person. Sakura never deserved her.

Ino cleared her throat, placing one hand on her hips, she leaned forward and said, “Billboard brow, I heard you failed miserably.”

Chapter Text

Sakura invited Ino inside, and, as soon as they entered, her parents greeted them with smiles and congratulations. So, the following conversation was awkward to say the least. Her parents never wanted her to be a shinobi, but it wasn’t because they had something against the profession per say. They lived in Konoha, so having a shinobi in the family was a source of pride, but that didn’t mean it was a source of joy for her parents. Such a dangerous profession would never be their first choice for their precious child. But despite their many reservations, her parents had been more than ready to celebrate her graduation, in this life and those before.

Dashing the begrudgingly high expectations they had for her filled the living room with an odd mixture of surprise, embarrassment, concern, and hints of relief.

All in all, it was not that bad, but she wished Ino hadn’t been there to witness her parents’ poor attempts at comfort (‘Oh sweetie, I’m sure you’ll manage it next time! In the meantime perhaps you can help out in Aunt Hisana’s store?’ ). There had taken some convincing to allow her to flee upstairs to her room with Ino (‘No, I don’t really feel like eating now, except maybe a couple of daifukus later. Ino, do you want some? No? Good.’)

Unfortunately, the awkwardness followed the two girls into Sakura’s childhood room, where a brittle silence fell upon them. Or maybe it was unfair to blame it entirely on her parents. Years of broken friendship, snide remarks and rivalry laid between them. A rivalry Sakura herself had started and did her very best to maintain up to this point as far as Ino was concerned.

Who's to say Ino’s attempts at comfort wouldn’t be met with hostility? Perhaps Ino was the last person Sakura wanted to see in her hour of defeat? These possibilities had clearly occurred to the Yamanaka heiress, if the way she was shifting uneasily from foot to foot and tightly clenching her fingers around the bouquet was any indication.

Coming here must have taken a lot of courage.

A familiar ache bloomed in Sakura’s chest, and she swallowed hard against the sudden constriction in her throat. She needed to cry.No, she wanted to, but more importantly, she needed to apologize/thank her/say something.

“Um,” Sakura managed at last, “sit down, please.” She gestured to thefloor and then inwardly wincedwhen she realized that the cramped space between her closet and table might not be the most comfortable place to seat a guest. So, before Ino moved or reacted in any way, Sakural dashed towards the bed, grabbed two pillows, and placed them on either side of the table.

This is better, right? Maybe I should ask, just to be on the safe side , Sakura speculated before saying, “Or you can sit here or there or maybe the bed if you want. Anywhere, really…,” her voice trailed off uncertainly when Ino turned to fix her with an incredulous look.

“You really are acting off today,” Ino observed after a moment of silence.

There was no judgment in her tone, but that didn’t stop Sakura from flinching. She had no idea what answer to give in response, so she shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

Thankfully, Ino took that as cue to do what Ino did best: Taking charge of the social situation. Every trace of uncertainty disappeared as the blonde casually flipped her hair and sat down on the pillow. And feigned or not, it succeeded in putting Sakura at ease.

“You know, these flowers won’t last long if we don’t get them in a vase soon,” Ino said, gracefully changing the topic. “I think a white or perhaps light blue would be the best choice. Do you still have the mosaic tiled one?”

Of course, she did, Ino gifted her that ocean themed vase when they had been eight. It was not the most sophisticated of vases, but Sakura had been obsessed with the ocean at the time and always loved the way mosaic glass reflected sunlight on her bedroom walls.

The vase was stored inside her closet, buried in a box beneath clothes she had either outgrown or simply never used. Sakura found it easily enough.  It was covered with dust, but otherwise it was in good shape. A white bow was tied around the vase and the birthday card (‘happy birthday bestie’) Ino had written many years ago was attached to it.

After their friendship ended, Sakura had stored away most of Ino’s gifts. The realization that Ino apparently took up so much of Sakura’s personality that her own room felt bare and unlived in without her contributions had been startling to say the least. Sakura vaguely remembers feeling uncertain of her identity for weeks afterwards. At some point, the uncertainty and loneliness had caused her to pair the different gifts with their respective notes and pretend she had just received them. Which was mildly embarrassing now that Sakura thought about it.

Still, Ino smiled when Sakura lifted the vase up. It was a small and tentative thing, but the innocence of it made Sakura's heart clench.

“You kept the card?” Ino said, raising an eyebrow. “That’s sweet, billboard brow.”

Sakura stuck out her tongue in response, which elicited a snort from Ino.

They went to the bathroom to fill the vase with water (Ino didn’t comment on the broken mirror), and then they placed it on the windowsill. A nice floral aroma filled the room and made Sakura think of summer, laughter and running through flower fields.

“Thank you, Ino. They’re lovely,” Sakura said sincerely.

“You’re welcome,” Ino answered. “I wasn’t sure if- I mean as much as I love flowers, they don’t solve everything, but there are few things they don’t improve a little bit.”

Reaching her fingers out to touch the delicate petals, Sakura nodded in agreement and then asked, “How did you know that I failed?”

“Iruka-sensei told me,” Ino said, looking a little guilty.

Gossiping was not something Iruka-sensei partook in, which left only one explanation.

“He sent you to check on me?” Sakura must really have worried him.

Ino rolled her eyes. “You’re the teacher’s pet, not me. I sent myself here because – because that’s – ”  Hesitation halted her words, but Sakura heard the unspoken ‘because that’s what friends do’ anyway.  

Intense loathing and shame erupted within her because the truth was, Sakura didn’t deserve such kindness. A deprecating smile graced her face as she looked down. “Ino, I appreciate the concern, I really do, but Iruka-sensei shouldn’t have told you. This isn’t such a big deal, and you should be celebrating with your clan, not wasting your time here. Fu- I mean, I haven’t even congratulated you!” Sakura quickly glanced up and tried to make her smile look less pained. “You’ll be amazing. You are amazing.”

Sakura meant that with every fiber of her being and looked Ino straight in her eyes hoping to convey that. Ino’s expression rippled; surprise, sadness, and something unreadable flashed by before disappearing as her eyes hardened.

“Nope.” Ino said, her voice trailing up as she dragged out the one-syllable word. “This is worse than I thought. Sakura, listen to me,” Ino grabbed Sakura’s shoulder and pulled her closer. “I don’t care if your performance was ‘unusual’ and ‘concerning’ or whatever that means. I bet you have literally memorized our academy books, and we have all seen you perform many decent transformation jutsu. This whole ‘failing you’ thing? Now that is a waste of everyone’s time, not me being here, okay?”

“You can keep that ribbon.”

“Your face isn’t that bad. Actually, it’s a pretty good face, so don’t hide it!”

“I guess you finally got a flower to bloom. A beautiful flower.”

“You look ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous, Sakura.”

“How about almost-friends. I would like a free trial period, so I can assess your reliability and decide if I want to fully invest again.”

“Sa-ku..ra…you’re..suff-ac-“ Ino gasped, Sakura loosened the death grip she had around Ino a little bit, allowing her to breath. A small enough concession considering Sakura planned to never let her go again.

This small, warm girl smelled of flowers, and Sakura would be permanently attached from now on.  Sakura would protect her; she would burn the world to ashes if needed. She would not fail again. She would not lose her again.

“It's okay, you’ll be okay,” Ino said as she stroked Sakura’s back.

And just like that, sobs gave away any pretense of composure and Sakura allowed herself to be flooded by the pain and misery she had been carrying. Ino’s steady presence the only thing keeping her afloat.

«Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino»

In end, Sakura didn’t get the chance to ask Ino for help, but that was okay. Sakura had received so much of it anyway, even if it hadn’t been the exact type she was looking for.  For the first time in a very long time, Sakura felt real, the world around her felt real. And what an amazing feeling that was.

It tucked her into a peaceful sleep long after Ino left, and it woke her up the next day with a smile on her face. Maybe things will right, she thought, maybe I’ll be all right. The hope blooming in her chest was almost frightening.

Tossing the bed sheets aside, Sakura prepared to leap out of bed, but –

A dead body laid beside her, a girl, no, a dark-haired boy with pale skin and red eyes and the head was detached from the body and his mouth was opened and -

“Hel-“

Sakura closed her eyes, repeated ‘this is not real’ again and again until she could trick herself into believing it. When she opened her eyes, she found herself alone in the bed. Okay. Minor setback. Sakura didn’t need to be thrown off by this, there was no reason for her to feel so much apprehension at the thought of going to the bathroom.

Slowly, she left her bed and prayed she wouldn’t see any other hallucinations.

“Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino,Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino,” they continued to chant. “Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino,Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino, Ino.”

Ino was busy, but Naruto was right next her, vibrating with far too much energy. He was gesturing wildly in the air as he regaled her with the tales of what happened after she left him yesterday. “A secret test?” Sakura asked confused, her then remembered, oh yeah, Mizuki-sensei.

Naruto nodded vigorously. “Mizuki-sensei told me that anyone who learned a jutsu from the scroll would automatically pass, and I asked him if he told you yet, but then he became all weird and told me keep it for myself ‘cause you would getting a different test.”

They were eating ice cream just outside the academy, waiting for Iruka-sensei to be done assigning teams to their former classmates. So, it was obvious that whatever transpired had caused Naruto to not pass the genin exam this time, and Sakura was baffled as to why.

“And then what? Did you not find the scroll?”  

Never had Sakura ever seen such an offended look on Naruto’s face. He shook his head, “Mizuki-sensei told me exactly where it was, I could have gotten it anytime I wanted but of course I didn’t!”

There was a headache starting at her temples. It made concentrating hard, but Naruto’s voice was an anchor Sakura desperately clung to. “Because?”

Wide blue eyes gazed into hers. “Because I promised we would pass the exam together! I had to bring you along first, but, err,” he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “I didn’t know where you lived, and Mizuki-sensei said I only had that one night, and I figured you lived in one of the civilian districts close to the academy since you come early, so I ran around yelling your name, but I guess someone compl- Hey! Are you laughing at me?”

“Just a little bit,” Sakura admitted once her laughter died down, because what a funny mental image that was, oh she had forgotten Naruto’s own brand of insanity. Twelve-year-old Sakura would have been mortified.

Naruto pouted and Sakura jumped at the opportunity to poke his cheek. The touch was soothing, she would have to find more excuses to indulge it.

“Don’t be angry, Naruto I’m glad you didn’t break our promise.” She was more grateful than she could properly explain. If she had been forced to wait alone outside today then, well, best not think about it. Focus on Naruto. “I’ll show you my house later, you can join us for dinner!”

Her parents would disapprove, but between Naruto’s visible delight and her own relief when she realized this meant more Naruto and less alone time, who cared? She would have to find an opportunity to talk to Ino later as soon as possible, but until then, Naruto’s warmth would keep her calm.

“..ura?”

“Yes?” Sakura said, “sorry, what did you say Naruto?”

Naruto cocked his head to the side. “I was just wondering why you keep touching your face.”

“I-” She hadn’t noticed, but Naruto was right. Her nails were digging into her skin, not hard enough to break it, but if she applied just a little more pressure, it would. “No reason,” she lied.

Fortunately, Iruka-sensei arrived shortly afterwards and gave them other things to think about. He explained that they would get a new chance at taking the genin exam in six months. The academy instructors had a lot of freedom when it came to promoting academy students to genins. As long the student had completed the core programs in the academy with mostly decent grades, the village strongly encouraged that they be pushed into the workforce as soon as possible.  But since there was a limited amount of jounin mentors available, their exam would be at same time as the Chunin Exams.

“That way, you can join one of the teams whose members have been promoted to chunins,” Iruka said. “Of course, you’re expected to stay in the academy in the meantime, but you are not obligated to attend every class.”

Huh.

Sakura could live with that. She hoped to be on the same team as Naruto of course, but it wouldn’t be terrible if she ended up in team 10 again after Shikamaru promotion. Working with Ino and Choji was always nice.

Which reminded her, raising her hand up, Sakura asked, “Which team did Sasuke end up in?”

Naruto groaned next to her, and Iruka-sensei suppressed an indulgent smile. None of them seemed surprised at her question, so Sakura supposed there where some advantages of being known as a Sasuke fangirl. Little did they know that she was only asking because she still hadn’t abandoned the idea of kidnapping Sasuke and conduct some experiments.

“Team 7,” Iruka-sensei answered ,”and his teammates are Aburame Shino and Yamanaka Ino.”

“…What!?”

Chapter Text

There had been something almost resembling optimism pushing Sakura forward in her newest life. Sure, she was a mess, a horrible mess, but so far, her failures had only benefited her, saddled her together with her favorite ball of sunshine, this time without a traitorous teammate and apathic teacher. It gave her an illusion of hope, for things to be better and for her to be better.

But now, all of that had been shattered as fate, in a mock bargain Sakura never agreed to, thrusting her other dearest friend into danger instead Naruto. An unacceptable development.

“Look, all I’m saying is that the Ino–Shika–Cho formation is legendary, like ‘a success history of many ass-kicking generations’ legendary . Plus you, Shikamaru, and Choji have practically been raised together with the intention of one day becoming teammates.” Sakura paused take a deep breath, “You guys were– I mean would have been– the perfect team! But Sasuke and Shino? Kakashi? What the hell are the higher ups thinking?”

Ino hummed thoughtfully, swirling her remaining tea with a wooden stirrer as Sakura continued her rant, not saying one word until the pink haired girl exhausted herself. Sakura would have been impressed by her friend’s unreadable face had she not been so frustrated and worried.

They were sitting in a café situated not far away from the academy. It served delicious sweets and was tastefully furnished with tables in rich deep browns and sleek chairs. Ino, the one from her first life, had developed a crush on one of the baristas working here, so Sakura had spent a lot of time here.

Which was why she had offered to order for them. Well, that and the fact that she felt a little bad for monopolizing Ino’s time for the second day in a row. The ecstatic look on Ino’s face when she took the first bite of the famed honey cake reassured Sakura that having the conversation here had been a wise choice.

“Yeah, it’s a little unexpected. I thought for sure I would be stuck with those two lazy idiots for life,” Ino’s voice sounded almost wistful, “but my cousin is on their team, and I can hardly complain when I’m with Sasuke-kun instead!”

The fierce glare Sakura sent in response luckily brought a quick end to the dreamy lovestruck expression warping Ino’s face. Sakura was having enough difficulties controlling her temper even without the reminder that Ino was crushing on that betrayer.

“I mean, my other teammate uses bugs , Sakura,” Ino said, “like actual bugs crawling around in his skin, I’m not sure even Sasuke-kun’s presence makes up for that.”

Sakura counted to three before answering with an even voice, “Sasuke’s presence is the problem. Don’t give me that look – this isn’t a jealousy thing Ino, really. Don’t roll your eyes either, it makes your head look empty.” Ino mock gasped at the insult, and Sakura fought the urge to smile because this was serious, and Ino needed to understand that. ”I just don’t think he will be a good teammate for anyone really.”

“Riiight, miss totally-not-jealous, our top graduate this year is the worst teammate to be saddled with. The fact that he’s the cutest guy in Konoha of course makes him an even more unattractive choice,” Ino said in a very gentle, condescending voice, as if speaking to a slow child.  

Sakura wanted to throw cookies at her or something, but instead she rolled her eyes, and predictably enough, Ino immediately commented “Who looks brain-dead now?” It was surprisingly comforting. The back-and-forth insults, Ino’s lightheartedness, and the familiar café. Her initial outrage had stopped her from feeling the awkwardness plaguing her these days, and now she was conversing with Ino the way normal, sane people did.

If only the subject hadn’t been so distressing. But Ino looked obviously pleased to see Sakura acting more like herself. Making it difficult to keep pushing. Especially when Sakura knew talking about this would hardly make any difference. So, she played along with the cheerful teasing, and light blue eyes lit up with relief and joy when Sakura let out a short laughter as they continued to trade insults.

They drift into a peaceful silence as they eat and drink. The conversation's lull filled with humming voices around them. A smile played around Ino’s lips as her fingers curedl around her empty teacup. A delicate tenderness softened her flushed features. When she spoke, her voice was quiet. “Do you think Sasuke was happy to be on the same team as me?”

“He should be.”

But he won’t, Sakura was reminded. Instead he’ll rip your heart out of your chest and laugh. And just like that her good mood evaporated. Her mind eagerly supplied her with cruel images: Ino with a fist shaped hole in her chest, alook of utter confusion and betrayal swept across her pretty face, her blood adding more red to Sasuke’s hands, tortured screams the last sound her friend ever makes.

No.

Never.

A burst of hatred ignited in Sakura’s chest, staggering in its force and intensity. And what a wonderful feeling it was after nothing but muddling confusion for so long. Sakura could feel herself collapse and twist into it. And then a thought occurred to her: all the deaths Sasuke had suffered by her hands had been so unsatisfying. The circumstances surrounding them had robbed her of any possible enjoyment. How unfair was that?

Such moments should be savored.

Dimly, she was aware of Ino’s voice ringing in the air ( when had she begun talking again?). It sounded off . A little too high-pitched, unpleasantly sharp, but soft at the same time. Raspy with a deep timbre. Low and guttural. Some of the sounds were not matching the way Ino’s mouth was moving at all. Yet they became louder and louder, voices weaving together to form a tapestry of violent desires visible only to Sakura.

“Next time, do it slowly,” Ino suggested with a teasing smile that stretched to the edges of her face. “Make it real special and private; savor each tidbit from beginning to end.”

The words sent shivers down Sakura's spine and exhilaration filled her as she imagined it. The images were flashing through her brain with breathtaking realism. She could taste the iron like salt of blood on his flesh as her teeth dug into his precious eyeballs, feel the chakra in her hands sewing him back together so that she could tear him apart again, and hear the gurgling screams along with the hopeless pleads of death. For a moment, heat was the most prominent thing Sakura felt. Pulsating in her face, in her belly, coalescing down towards – fuck.

Shock, quickly followed by mortification, snapped Sakura out of her thoughts.  What the actual fuck. No. You know what? Sakura was not going to explore those thoughts or… sensations any further. Nope. Best to lockthem away forever. Focus on Ino. The real Ino, the one without the demonic voices overlapping.

The one that had moved back to complaining about Shino.

“…hose bugs still give me the creeps,” Ino wrinkled her nose in an exaggerated fashion. There was a glint in her eyes that indicated that Sakura’s lack of attention had not gone unnoticed, but there was no reproach in Ino’s voice when she casually continued, “but they’re useful I suppose, and we’ll need to know each other’s techniques if we’re going to be a decent team. Anyway, Sasuke-kun declined joining us for an early team exercise later today, and while it’s true that we’ll get plenty of opportunities in the future, it’s never a bad idea to start early, so I think it’s kind of silly of him. So, maybe you’re right, being teammates with him isn’t going to be that great if he continues like this.”

Even if it obviously said for Sakura’s benefit, the idea that Ino might not be completely blind to Sasuke’s faults was enough to ebb away the worst of Sakura’s fury. It also gave her some hope that the mismatched trio would fail Kakashi’s bell test.

“I hope things work out,” Sakura said, her palms sweaty. She wiped them on her pants under the table, leaving warm trails along her legs, “I really do.”

Or who knows what I might do .

The innocent smile that lit her friend’s face made Sakura feel tainted and dirty in comparison. Suddenly inviting Ino inside her mind seemed beyond reprehensible. Cruel. Besides, a more selfish concern occurred to her; what would Ino think of her if she caught a glimpse of the madness that lay within Sakura? Would she ever smile like that again at Sakura again?

“Of course, they will! I’m amazing, and I’llbecome even more amazing. Didn’t you say so yourself?” Ino grinned. “How could things possibly go wrong?”

A whirlpool of rage, confusion and fear bubbles up inside her. Desperate, it tries to crawl its way up her throat, uncaring of the damage it does on its way. She – they scream; “ Ino .”it’s the only word they can form, or maybe it’s the only one she can hear?

Team 7 passed the bell best, and Sakura didn't kill Sasuke. Well, not immediately at least, A feat she credits to Naruto's presence besides her when she got the news. “Ehh, no one wants to hear about that Sasuke-teme,” he had said, mouth half full of ramen and chopsticks pointed at Ino.

Which Sakura had wholeheartedly agreed with, and to show it, she rewarded Naruto by offering to pay for another round of ramen (“Yay! You’re the best Sakura-chan”), but she requested that it had more vegetables in it (“Those are yucky Sakura-chan.” “You’re a growing boy Naruto-kun, stop picking at your food.”).

Ino had looked split between relief that Sakura had another friend and dismayed that friend was Naruto . She was so precious, little Ino. Both the blondes were, and Sakura felt equally pleased and pained by that fact. She had listened to them bicker with a half ear and thought, it’s nice having them both around.

Still, they would not always be there, and experience had taught her she was prone to rash, impulsive actions. So, despite her earlier reservations, Sakura had asked, “Ino, can I ask you a favor?”

“Yes!” she/they cheered.

Unfortunately, Ino hadn’t felt confident enough to enter Sakura’s mind yet. Apparently, taking over a mind was one thing, but having a look at, which was ‘a strange request, just so you know, billboard brow,’ demanded a little more precision and skills than Ino had in the moment. Her friend suggested giving her a little time practicing with her dad a couple of weeks before they tried anything.

Sakura agreed to wait and focused her time and attention on Naruto.

Preparing for the genin exam gave her ample opportunities to work on her stamina and strength, although finding enough money to buy weights for her and Naruto was difficult now that she wasn’t getting wages from D-ranked missions. Balancing the time between training and improving Naruto’s knowledge on history, chakra theory and other lessons he should have learned a long time ago proved to be challenging in a way Sakura had not expected.

Because, you see, Naruto was not stupid. This was not new information. Sakura was aware of her friend’s creativity and ability to think quickly in dangerous situations, but she had never realized how curious and interested in learning he could be. There were some serious deficiencies in his writing and reading skills which made Sakura’s skin boil with indignation at the sheer neglect it implied. But as Sakura helped him improve-- by letting him know no questions he asked would be seen as stupid, by creating a safe learning environment, by borrowing books from the library whenever he asked, and by reading them with him and generally encouraging the shit out of him– Naruto, in return, surprised her.

“What does it mean to be a wind type? How can wind be in my chakra?”

“Does that mean I need better chakra control to perform the transformation jutsu?”

“Ne, ne, Sakura-chan, I don’t understand, eh. Chakra is divided into physical and spiritual stuff, right? And different jutsus need more of one or the other, or sometimes an equal amount, right? But can you control how much of which you’re using or are they too mixed? Like genjutsu is mostly spiritual energy, but does that mean you have to be really spiritually strong or just physically weak?”

He asked so many questions and didn’t mind looking for answers. It went completely against the ‘barge headfirst into danger’ and ‘ask no questions, defy all logic’ behavior she knew of him.  And to make matters even more confusing, he showed a strong interest in stuff he had ignored in her previous life(s).

“There’s a Usumaki Clan! Or, it used to be, they all lived in a village called Uzushiogakure, the spiral thing on people’s jackets is their symbol. And, and, they were all really good at something called fūinjutsu. Like really, really good! Maybe I should learn it; do you think there are others from that village here in Konoha?”

Sakura was not displeased by the development, just a little confused. And before she knew it, she was running all around the village trying to find some information on sealing on Naruto’s behalf. It was not an easy task, and Naruto wasn’t much help, not that it was his fault. The lack of genin headband casued Naruto to receive harsher treatment from the villagers than Sakura ever remembered witnessing in the other lives. After all, she had no memories of being accosted in the street while walking with Naruto before.

“Demon brat, got yourself a girlfriend?” A hateful man in his late twenties spat at the ground before them, and Sakura kicked him in his groin. Because how else should one react?

So, while Sakura was trying to find information on sealing, she pondered over Naruto’s sad expression and helpless shrug as he explained, “They don’t like me, dunno why.”  

He looked bothered in a way Sakura had never seen him. It made her wonder. On one hand, this Naruto had failed the genin exam and didn’t have his trademark kage bunshin no jutsu, so perhaps it wasn’t odd that he had less confidence. But on the other hand, Sakura had a niggling suspicion there was something else, but she had no idea what. She would do everything in her powers to help him anyway, whether it meant arranging a way for him to learn the kage bunshin no jutsu– because it’s not like she could teach him it without having to answer a bunch of questions– or help him find another fighting style. Like sealing. Or genjutsu. Did she mention Naruto was good at setting traps? He had convinced her to join in on a prank against Iruka, and it was not only very elaborate, but also clever. Naruto really was talented. Sakura felt proud. She should tell him that. He would like to hear it, Sakura was certain of that. Plus, she had never told him that before.

Lost in her thoughts of Naruto, which really were some of the only safe thoughts Sakura had these days, she found herself walking past Sasuke’s apartment. He was not home now: team 7 was currently on a D-rank mission on the other side of the village So really, this was a harmless detour.

Keep walking , she ordered, because she did not trust herself near Sasuke.  But I’m/we’re here already, surely it wouldn’t hurt if –

Sakura walked away, but she knew she would be here again tomorrow. Just as she had been here yesterday and the day before. It had become a ritual at this point. And just like every other time, she remembered her conversation with Ino(?). (is the ? supposed to be there?)

Oddly enough, it was the sly whispers of ‘Next time ´ that haunted Sakura the most. Not the deranged voice it had been said in, not the sadistic activities it had encouraged, or even the shameful pleasure that had followed. Just the simple acknowledgement that there would be a next time.

Next time she kills Saskue?

No, it was not that.

 Just.

There will be a next time. For everything.

That was all.

And wasn’t it odd that she had never paused and really thought about it before? What did the situation around her mean? No. The closest she had gotten was the constant questioning of genjutsu or not genjutsu. Real or not? And after that, save the village, no, escape the village. Kill Saskue (‘ Can we? Can we? It will be so fun!’ ) or not kill Sasuke.

There were a lot of things she hadn’t really thought about, and now all she was doing was purposely avoiding thinking about them because – because she couldn’t quite trust who she was when she was thinking about those stuff. Was that a weird way to put it? Maybe.

But it was like this; Naruto– this version of Naruto– was not her Naruto, but he belonged to this version of her.  Perhaps, all the other Narutos had been bad matchups or maybe she had been too defective to connect with them, but this one?

The twelve-year-old boy that did his best to lower his voice when he noticed how easily startled she was? The one that loved reading about Konoha history and was fascinated by chakra theory? The boy that did the one thing her Naruto never did: refuse to leave her behind?

She loved him with a simpleness unpolluted by her past. She had felt lost and alone, and he made her laugh, and for that, she loved him. Next time, they wouldn’t have that exact moment and that meant what she felt belonged fully to her as she was right now. Everything she felt for Sasuke, on the other hand, felt like debts and predictions she had been forced to inherit.

And then there was her.

Sometimes she felt stuffed full by too much of her, like instead of growing and evolving, she was piling up and forced to occupy the same cramped space. And now, she was split at the seams and so very, very afraid something might leak out of her. Perhaps it was a sign of progress, that she had enough self-awareness to be scared, but it didn’t feel that way. So, she avoided thinking about it as much as possible, at least until Ino looked inside her mind. That would help her, Sakura was sure of that, but which ‘her’ was harder to determine.

Until then, she would have to stay out of trouble.

Chapter Text

Time flew by, and suddenly the day of the Genin exam arrived.

Or perhaps ‘suddenly’ was the wrong word. A lot of things happened, and in one way, Sakura could argue that time had moved painfully slowly before reaching this day. Everything had felt both dragged out and far too rapid to be real. Overall, a few moments stuck out, and most days had blurred together into a mash of nothingness. If that made any sense. It felt like Sakura was a weightless object floating in the endless space between what has happened and what will happen, and sometimes big enough events would occur and pull her into the present like gravity.

Said events always involved either Naruto or Ino, even if they weren’t necessary at the center of it.

In the beginning, Naruto and Ino had big enough events by themselves, but as time passed, Sakura felt ungrounded even around them. It had been a gradual development, one that made Sakura wonder if the comfort she had found at their presence had been a figment of her imagination.

But she digressed. Big events, like the time she and Naruto ran into Gai and Lee on their morning runs around the village. They had both been moved by Sakura and Naruto’s goals at passing the genin exam together and reacted very encouragingly when Sakura asked if they could give them some pointers on their taijutsu.

Never had Sakura been so exhausted as the first time she had sparred with Lee, who was so much faster and stronger than her. Her extensive knowledge on the body’s weaknesses, excellent chakra control and steadily improving speed at enhancing her muscles and sheer force of will helped her put up a good fight. She had collapsed and slept for half a day, but at least Gai and Lee had been very impressed by her ‘youthful determination’ and she and Naruto had gained some enthusiastic taijutsu instructors.

The bright smile Naruto wore when Gai-sensei had complimented his stamina and unpredictable fighting style was burned into Sakura’s retina for (hopefully) all eternity.  It was sunshine on gold, dazzling and peerless. A joy and privilege to witness. And when Naruto had almost immediately turned his head to look at her, to see if she had heard it too, something inside her felt perfectly still and peaceful.

The rest–meeting Neji and Tenten, the latter teaching Naruto how to make storage seals for weapons and explosive tags and the former kicking Sakura’s ass–felt less important, less memorable. But if she closed her eyes and concentrated, she could almost feel Naruto’s arms around her as he pulled into a hug, smell the sweat and dirt, and hear his laughter, but the happy memory never lasted long in her head and the scenery would often twist into less pleasant memories.

(Blood, death, cold.)

Nevertheless, Sakura and Naruto’s taijutsu became more refined, and every morning they would go through a set of kata together after completing their laps around the village. And she liked to think they were laying the foundations to be better than they had ever been. At least physically, Sakura couldn’t really argue she was getting mentally better. Although she wasn’t getting (much) worse either. She made some poor choices like when -

“Ne, Sakura-chan, why is your hair brown?”

- Yes. That. Sakura hadn’t really been aware of it before Naruto had asked. Well, okay that was not an accurate way to put it. She had known she had done it and why, kinda, but it was like when you appeared somewhere in a dream. You didn’t necessarily know when or how you got there to begin with, but it all made sense in context of whatever you were doing at the moment. But Sakura couldn’t say that to Naruto, so she answered with something irrelevant and untrue instead.

The truth was, if there was one, because isn't it odd to assign meaning to actions long after it happened? Sakura was just guessing, so maybe not the truth then, but the most likely explanation. Yes, that sounded better. The most likely explanation was that she had colored her hair brown because sometimes she still hallucinated that she was wearing that girl’s face and so she hoped that coloring her hair would make her feel less disconnected to her own body.

It didn't.

The confusion had actually just become worse because some mornings she would wake up and forget she had colored it and the sight of herself in the mirror would freak her out and she would be so certain she was still in Amegakure – and kami, did that mean she was in a genjutsu and--

“Focus on your breathing,” Ino had advised, “Don't get caught up in the how — just do, feel.”

Right, focus. The genin exam was today and Sakura had woken up before dawn to meditate. Just like Ino had taught her a few months ago. Her mind was running wild and getting tangled in too many events. She needed to untangle and center herself.

Breath in and out.

In and out.

Sit with a tall spine, shoulders aligned and relaxed. Eyes closed. Gradually focusing her attention on the sensations of her bottom contacting the floor beneath her. Then, the natural flow of her breath, feeling where it rose and fell in her chest. And so on. When she felt sufficiently calm, she pictured picking up the pieces necessary for building herself. Ino had advised her to keep it simple, more symbolic than literal. Like the Konoha headband, because she belonged to Konoha and wanted to be/was a shinobi. A red dress, because she loved red, even though it crashed with her hair (which was now a much darker pink (auburn-ish?) because coloring it back after turning it brown was not easy). Bruised knuckles, green glowing palms, and a diamond shaped tattoo. All this represented her and as she gathered them in a pile, she began to form, becoming something solid and real.   

I’m Sakura Haruno, and I’m here .

I’m Sakura Haruno, and I’m real .

“ I’m Sakura Haruno, and I’m okay ,” she said out loud when she finally felt calm enough to be semi-functional. She was in the present for now. Relatively unburdened and serene. A state of mind she struggled to reach most days.

Ino had insisted on holding off the mind scan, but when Sakura had given her a deceptively mild description of her mental troubles, Ino had given her notes on meditation techniques, Yamanaka clan style. (“I know how much you like notes . These are very simplified, but my father won’t allow me to share more with someone outside the clan,” Ino sighed. ”I’ve highlighted the tips how to center oneself and strengthening one’s sense of self…I hope it helps.”)

Unlike the Sharingan, the Yamanaka Clan jutsus were not Kekkei Genkai, so anyone could learn them if they knew the secrets, which was why the clan guarded them closely. Which was a shame seeing as the little Ino was allowed to share did wonders for Sakura’s state of mind. It was slow and not always effective, but meditation felt like a lifeline, and Sakura didn’t know what she would have done without it.

Kami, it was tiresome to listen to herself think sometimes, even when there weren’t any hallucinations or paranoia involved. Her mind was just so unfocused, and there had been times she had been tempted to bash her head in. Only the knowledge that it would at best give her a few moments of reprieve and shit load of new trauma to process stopped her.

Sighing, she stood up and began doing some stretches. There would be no laps around the village today, but it wouldn’t hurt jogging over to Naruto’s apartment and making sure he got a proper breakfast before the exam today.  Seeing him was always nice.

“We’ll pass, believe it!” Naruto said as he squeezed her hand just outside the academy. ”Team Gai is ready to celebrate with us, even Neji believes we’ll pass, and we have worked so hard, so both of us must pass and we-“ Naruto swallowed. “We’ll stay together, right?”

Sakura smiled, “Always,” and pulled him forward.

Tying the familiar headband around her head, Sakura was showered by the ‘congratulations’, but felt no triumph before she saw Naruto proudly wearing his own.  His joy tasted like victory, like she had finally righted a wrong, but it was tainted by the bitter aftertaste of ‘what now?’.

“Me and Sakura will be chunin in no time, just wait and see,” Naruto had half-yelled to team Gai as they were seated at an Akimichi restaurant that served delicious beef. Sakura had nodded her agreement and added with a much softer voice that she of course wished her three senpais good luck on their exam in two days.  

They answered…something something, and Lee spent the evening glancing back and forth at her every ten seconds with very little subtleness. There had been a red flush on his face and Sakura wondered if he had maybe always watched her like that, but before she could consider it deeper, Naruto’s shoulder had bumped into hers and she was drawn back to his orbit. Later Lee had pulled her aside to confess his feelings, which he had previously held back because he didn’t want to distract her from her noble goal at improving herself. He told her that he hoped she would honor him with a date once he had returned victorious from his exam like her.

It had honestly been surprising only in the sense that it forced Sakura to pause and look at someone other than Ino and Naruto. Sakura didn’t remember what she had replied, but it must have been something encouraging since Naruto questioned her why Lee looked so happy afterwards.

“He came in all red and sappy looking, like you told him he could hokage,” Naruto narrowed his eyes, ”or agreed to go out him, but you wouldn’t do that Sakura-chan, you said dating at our age was stupid and that we should focus on becoming great shinobis and all that, right? Right?”

All in all, Sakura supposed it wasn't too important, but it made Ino giggle fiercely the next day, so, there was that.

“Sakura, Sakura, Sakura,” Ino said, “when did you become such a cold, callous woman? Poor guy.”

They were both lying on Sakura bed, shoulders brushing in way that made Sakura feel very grounded and the smell of Ino’s shampoo mingled in the air along with the fresh aroma of the flowers Ino had brought, pink roses and red amaryllis ( joy and pride ). They were just as beautifully arranged as the last ones. Sakura loved them and hugged Ino when she saw them, this time thankfully without bursting into tears.

Smiling with fake cheer, Sakura tilted her head so that she was facing Ino. “Speaking of cold and callousness, how is Sasuke?”

Ino snorted, “Looking forward to the Chunin Exam tomorrow, I think, it’s hard to tell with him sometimes, why do you ask? I thought you had settled on pretending he didn’t exist?”

A sound strategy that had hindered her from brutally murdering him this time. Not to mention it allowed her to kind of make it to the Chunin Exam. Which was a record in her new lives. Good things happened when she stayed away from Sasuke apparently. To her eternal relief, team 7 hadn’t even landed the wave mission, instead another C-ranked mission which only took them out of the village for three nerve-wracking days. Ino had described it as dreadfully boring. Still, Sakura had to remain vigilant and occasionally get updates on the guy lest she be tempted to do something rash. And there was also the whole Orochimaru bit to consider, and how to best keep Ino from getting hurt.

“Just wondering if you guys ever managed to rob him into the team combos, I mean you and Shino have gotten good at the whole detain and control part, but any luck in getting Sasuke to move as you want?” Sakura asked, well knowing that the answer would be no, and listen to Ino’s response with an half ear before saying; ”You know, it might not be a bad idea to team up with other Konoha teams in the Chunin exam, like Shikamaru, to better your chances at winning.”

Ino popped herself up on one elbow and gave Sakura a skeptical look, “Are you saying you think I’m too weak to make it on my own even with my teammates?”

Sakura raised a hand to boop her nose, fighting back a smile when Ino wrinkled it in outrage, “No, I’m saying that you, Ino Yamanka, are the heiress of a clan that knows the value of intelligence gathering, espionage and gathering allies. I’m saying that you are smart enough to understand that the strength of many far outstrips the strength of the individual when it comes to building something lasting, and therefore there is no shame in seeking it.”

The Yamanaka clan had never been seen as outsiders or looked upon with suspicion. Most of their active shinobis operated in Konoha and they rarely lost people in the field. They had a close alliance with the Nara and Akimichi that gave them great political influence and their skills were so essential to the village that losing them would be disastrous in both peace and war time. They were one of the most powerful clans Sakura had ever seen, but their power was subtle enough not to bring too much attention upon them.

Ino had always been fiercely proud of them, and Sakura didn’t blame her. Thus appealing to their ways was the best way of making Ino take her words seriously. And predictably enough, the irritation left Ino's face.

“I swear you get so dramatic sometimes. If there comes a situation where it's beneficial to be many, then of course I wouldn’t turn it down, but enough about that.” Ino sat up, crossing her legs, and gestured for Sakura to do the same.

Curious, Sakura complied and was rewarded with a smile from Ino. Raising her eyebrows, Sakura said, “Then what do you want to talk about?”

Ino beamed, “The reason I came here the evening before the Chunin Exam, besides to congratulate you, when I really should be spending all my time preparing at home.”

“Do tell.”

The blonde lightly punched Sakura’s arm. “Try to sound a little more enthusiastic. This is something you have been asking for a really long time.”

All traces of lightheartedness disappeared from Sakura as she considered Ino’s words. It couldn’t be, no. She needed to confirm it before she got her hopes up. Licking her lips nervously, Sakura said, “And what is that?”

“Take a look inside your mind of course!”

Oh.

Oh.

“Now?” and before Ino had the chance to answer, Sakura added “ please.”

“That's better!” Ino grinned, “I figured if I’m ready to take on the Chunin Exam, I’m ready to try this on someone other than my dad. Besides, the meditation technique I taught you should make things easier. So, sit across with me and start meditating like you usually do, I’ll give you some extra instruction when you are ready. Okay?”

Eager, Sakura tried to calm her beating heart. This was it, or at least a big step forwards it. Finally. Kami , the excitement made it even more difficult than usual to organize the chaos of her mind into some semblance of order. It was like trying to leash a hurricane, thoughts and emotions whirling so violently in her mind that it was impossible to pinpoint them.

Please/no/stop/yes/fuck/finally/wait/don’t/now

Breathe , Sakura reminded herself, and tried to match Ino, who had at some point taken pity on her and began taking exaggerated deep breaths which Sakura could copy. In and out, slower, and slower until Sakura's mind felt more settled and her skin less tight. Ino sent her an encouraging nod, which Sakura took as a hint to continue on to the next step.

A blue headband, a red dress, bruised knuckles, green glowing palms, and a diamond shaped tattoo.

“Who are you?” Ino voice was a barely audible whisper in the darkness.

A blue headband, a red dress, bruised knuckles, green glowing palms, and a diamond shaped tattoo. They represented her, Sakura Haruno. They were things which she could use to recognize herself, parts of her she felt secure in.

I am Sakura Haruno.

A gentle presence, bright and warm, tentatively dipped a metaphorical toe in the water called Sakura Haruno, as if to test the temperature, and just before it could decide to jump in or withdraw, something grabbed hold and dragged it down.

A blue headband, a red dress, bruised knuckles, green glowing palms, and a diamond shaped tattoo . These things represent Sakura Haruno. True, very true, but you don't think you’re the only Sakura Haruno, do you? Silly girl, seeking refuge from yourself within yourself? Do you hear how insane that sounds?

A severed head, a melting face, a bent neck, and blood, so much blood, red just like that red dress. This is you; this is us, that’s what you should be thinking about.

We’re Sakura Haruno, and we’re here, we’re real, okay?

Sakura woke up with start, sheets drenched with sweat beneath her, Ino’s head on her chest, and their legs tangled together with the blankets. The blonde was breathing deeply, seemingly asleep, but when Sakura’s trembling hands began shaking her violently, no reaction was gained.

Two hours later, after many attempts at waking Ino and a rigorous medical examination which revealed that there was nothing physically wrong with Ino, Sakura was forced to admit that something had gone terribly wrong.

Chapter Text

So, this was bad , Sakura thought as she began pacing the room. This was really bad, but not catastrophic, relativity speaking. On a scale of 1 to imprisonment in T&I for murdering one of her teammates, an unresponsive friend ranked somewhere in the middle, right?

Yes.

Everything could still be fixed. All she had to do was seek out the Yamanaka Clan. They probably dealt with similar situations all the time. After all, transferring one’s consciousness to another body sounded like a ridiculously risky procedure. A few mishaps undoubtedly happened there and then. If she hurried, she could catch Inoichi-san before he left for work. Calm and collected Inoichi-san, who would reassure her that it was not her fault and that everything will work out. Tell her to take a sit, then he would expertly handle the situation and–

( “Okay, relax and don’t fight against me.“/Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt that sharp, hot pain searing through her body again./The feeling of being invaded and wrong, wrong/wrong/wrong/wronggetout/getout/ GETOUT !)

The distant memory of their joint screeching rang faintly in her ear for a moment, scrambling her thoughts and making her feel disoriented. Blinking hard, Sakura steadied her breathing.

Kami, she hadn’t really spared much thought to that incident. Inoichi-san never returned to her cell, and she had died a few days afterwards, hadn’t she? The details were blurry in her mind. For all she knows, he might have ended up in a similar state as Ino was in now. And seeking him out might lead to a repeat. And the T&I would be guaranteed if she incapacitated the Yamanaka Heiress and Head.

Maybe if she insisted someone other than Inoichi-san performed the jutsu? No, the result would probably be the same. But, it's not like she could do nothing either. Suppressing a groan, Sakura slumped down onto her bed face-first, landing just next to Ino's still body.  Then, she tilted her head so that her forehead was pressed against the blonde’s cold thigh, and mumbled, “I'll take the chance, risk everything and anything if it means saving you, but.”

Everything was going downhill, again, and Sakura couldn’t help wondering if there was a point in trying to salvage the situation. And then, a terrible, treacherous thought took form in her mind.

What if…?

No. She couldn’t. There were still other options. She owed it to Ino to at least attempt something. Yet a small voice in her head protested, but I’m so tired of trying. And it would be so easy. All she needed to do was to walk over to her weapon pouch, take out a kunai and slice her own throat and just like that, a healthy, undamaged Ino would be running around again. Sure, it wouldn’t be the same Ino, but at least it would be very effortless. Just like going to sleep. Sakura would like to go to sleep. The more she considered it, the more appealing it sounded.  

Nodding to herself, Sakura felt, well, not exactly pleased, but vaguely content with the plan. The sort of contentment only apathy could induce. Pushing herself up, Sakura didn’t dare to look at Ino. Instead, she inwardly repeated; this was for the best. Next time, she would stay away from Ino, that way she couldn’t hurt her. This was for the best.

The mantra carried her feet all the way to her weapon pouch, gave her trembling hands the strength needed to pick up a kunai and clench it so tight that the knobs of the handle pressed painfully into her skin. Such a sharp and well-polished blade. She could see the reflection of her face so clearly. Her guilt and shame glistened like newly spilled blood.

She averted her eyes, and by fate or coincidence, they landed on the bouquet of pink roses and red amaryllis. Joy and pride. Both so heartily present in Ino’s face when she had congratulated her for passing the genin exam. It happened yesterday, not so many hours ago – they had been giggling together and the flowers were still fresh and despite this Sakura had considered – 

Scum.

She was worse than scum.

A wave of acid heat traveled from the center of her chest and up her throat and her hands shook with such a force that she lost her grip on her kunai. Just as well, she needed both hands to cover her mouth and stop the vomit from spilling. Miraculously enough, the content of her stomach managed to mostly stay inside her gastrointestinal tract. Only a thin, green-tingled layer of spew covers her hand. She dried it against her pants before stumbling forward and landing on her knees in front of Ino.

“Please, please, please forgive me, I’m so sorry, I didn’t – I won’t, oh Ino,” Sakura stroked her fingers gently through Ino’s soft blonde hair and became even more alarmed when she noticed just how pale Ino’s face had gotten. Her lips had even developed a hint of bluish tinge and the rise and fall of her chest was barely discernible. Was she getting worse?  Dying as Sakura wasted precious time on disloyal ideas? Or perhaps worry and guilt was clouding Sakura’s perception?

Her mind did feel off . A little unbalanced and hazy. She raised her hand and ran it lightly over the spot beside her right eye and belatedly noted the faint throbbing pain radiating across her forehead. Perhaps that was the source of the fogginess? Or perhaps it was because of the roller coaster of emotion she had been experiencing? Whatever it was, she could feel its effect increasing and the room began to spin.

Beneath her legs, the floor felt soft, and she could have sworn she felt herself slowly sinking in. And darkness swallowed her up.

The intruder fought desperately to break free, but it was too inexperienced to provide much of a challenge. Furthermore, they had reported similar attacks in the past, while it had never faced anything like them. And when they pulled it over the threshold between the mind and the beyond, no amount of struggling would save it now.

 It was as lost as the rest of them now.

The first thing Sakura became aware of was the coldness, cradling her in a gentle, yet almost painful embrace. Impressions of tranquility, weightlessness and openness wrought themselves into existence around her. But it was not before the subtle awareness of what and who she was under the flow of sensations fully formed that she realized she was floating in a huge body of water.  

Strange, she thought to herself, as she tried to open her eyes. A sticky liquid glued her eyelids together and tearing them open proved to be challenging. When they finally snapped open, darkness was the only thing to greet her. She blinked a couple of times, and while some of the blurriness faded, the surroundings remained dim.

Lifting her head, Sakura scarcely managed to make out the vague outline of her knees sticking up from the water. A huge relief considering how numb and non-existing her limbs felt. Now, if she could only remember the circumstances that lead her here. Wherever ‘here’ was. Sluggishly, she tried moving her limbs, and to her surprise it turned out the water was rather shallow, and she managed to stand up, albeit on shaky legs.

The liquid surged down her skin with unusual clinginess, gleaming faintly in the dark against her pale, naked skin, and leaving trails of goosebumps. Curious, Sakura lifts her hand to sniff the strange substance, and the faint metallic scent gives her a rather obvious clue what exactly she had been submerged in. Slightly unnerved, Sakura looked around again at the seemingly endless darkness around her. Unwise or not, she hesitantly called out,” Hello? Anyone there?”

The noise echoed hollowly, almost mockingly, for a few seconds, before silence reigned once again. Then suddenly, Sakura felt the liquid surrounding her ankles, which had previously been completely still, gradually start to flow forward. Which was not chilling at all, nope. And yet, due to lack of a better option, Sakura begrudgingly decided to follow the stream of blood guiding her onward.

As she began walking, recollections of what happened before she woke up here started to stitch itself together. Ino, unconscious and helpless. The headache, dizziness and feeling of helplessness. A kunai falling to the floor. Darkness, the end and beginning.

Not the most pleasant memories, and they didn’t really explain her current situation. Except, maybe it meant she was dreaming. Vividly dreaming. Sakura sure hoped that was the case, seeing as that would make the figures emerging in the distance less frightening, but deep down she knew those waiting for her were just as real as her.

They crawled out of the sinkhole, which all the blood was racing towards, misshapen limbs forming from webs of blood solidifying in the cold air. A grotesque artistry on display for her eyes alone. She watched it with fascination, unable to stop herself from moving towards it.

There were three of them. One had a twisted neck and a gaping hole in its chest. The second had dislocated legs and a melted face. And the last, the one in the center, carried its detached head in its arms. The way their bright eyes bore into her sent chills running down her spine. Those broken creatures that looked so much like her, staring at her with such cold intensity. It felt like an eternity before the headless one, or 'decapitated' would probably be more accurate, spoke, her voice a raspy whisper.

“Took you long enough, but I suppose I should give you some credit for staying alive to this point.”

Sakura stared, and thought, this is not the first time she has spoken to me , which was absurd, seeing as Sakura had previously been her, been all three of them. And yet, gazing at them felt more like gazing at old acquaintances than herself. Familiar but alien.

“Is she deaf?” “No, just confused maybe, I wa-“”Angr-“”Why di-,“ the other two spoke over each other, their voices strangely high pitched and difficult to decipher. Their blood formed limps shifting unevenly as though having troubles holding their forms. The decapitated-Sakura sighed,

“Seems like helping all three of us up here is proving to be too hard for Ino. Oh well, you remember the deal, bugger off,” and just as she uttered the last word, the other two melted away.

All of this happened before Sakura had time to form a proper response. There was too much information and questions whirling in her head, but one word caught her attention, and she clung to it with desperation.

“Ino? Did you say Ino? Is she okay? What do you mean by helping you guys, what did you do to her?” The last bit came out more accusatory than intended, but it was warranted considering the situation.  

There was a subtle pause, one that felt weighted by solemn pensiveness, before the decapitated-Sakura answered her, “Ino is fine,” shifting the head gently from one hand to the other, she continued, “I understand the circumstances that made this meeting possible distressed you, rightfully so, I wish I could have avoided involving Ino.”  

Sakura swallowed back a spiteful reply, because the other women did look genuine regretful and more importantly, there was still one thing that needed to be cleared, “Ino was unconscious in my bed, nothing I did could wake her up, can you undo that?”

“Of course, we are the only thing stopping her from waking and we can release her anytime,” she responded calmly.

Oh , Sakura slumped down in relief, the pool of blood around her rippling at the sudden extra mass. For several sweet seconds she felt an overwhelming amount of exhilaration. All the stress she had previously felt dispersed, and she could regard the other Sakura without any hostility or fear.

“That’s good,” Sakura smiled, “that’s such a relief.”

Green eyes narrowed in contempt, “I’m surprised this delighted you so much, considering how willing you were to leave her to her death.”

Her words came as a slap, startling Sakura into blurting a short, defensive, “What?” and then Sakura felt her check heating in humiliation as she realized this woman had been privy to her plan of 'starting over'. How utter pathetic that must have seemed to the version of her that fought relentlessly for years in hopeless war.

“I-I,I don’t,” Sakura began stammering, “I didn’t go through with, I wouldn’t have-“

“I’m not talking about that,” the head interrupted, “Look, I’m sorry, that came out wrong,” she tucked the hand in her left armpit and made her way towards Sakura, towering above her for a short moment before bending down and placing a hand atop of her head, patting her gently. 

“I’m here to help you, because let’s face it, you need a lot of it,” a grimace planted itself on the older woman’s face,” and you have been doing poorly for a rather long time.”

The hand on her head made Sakura feel strangely defensive, maybe it was because of the memory of Kakashi doing the same thing, and it colored her voice when she responded, “I was doing better before you did all this.”

“No. You were getting overly attached and depended on children that in no way should be responsible for your mental stability. And then, unsurprisingly, fell apart the second something happened to one of them,” the head scoffed, “and before that you were running around with half-baked schemes and an aversion to sound decision making.”

That was a little unfair assessment, considering how unpredictable complications kept happening. Not to mention there was something unsettling by the way the other Sakura regarded her. Callous and critical as though Sakura was a weapon not performing at peak capacity.  Perhaps it was understandable, seeing as the person in front of her was the first and best version of her. The original one, and all that came after was malfunctioning copies of a sort.

Understandable, but utterly unfair. Who was she to judge, when her battle had at least eventually ended, while the rest of them accumulated more damages and pain for every rebirth? How easy it must seem from the sidelines.

“So you thought ‘let me butt in and make a bigger mess?‘, please, if this lecture is the help your offering then no thanks,” Sakura snarled and tried to pull away, but the hand in her hair tightened, tilting her head to an angle that was just this side of uncomfortable.

A savage grin painted the decapitated woman’s face, “A little spine, good, I was starting to worry, falling pathetically was the only thing you could do,” her face turned serious again,” but no, I did this because of three very important things we need to discuss. Number one, the fact that you need to kill Kabuto in the Chunin Exam, Orochimaru too, if you can.”

Sakura's eyes widened, “What? I’m not even participating in the tournament.” 

“You’ll be going as Ino, and-“

“No, I won’t, you said we would release Ino.”

“Don’t interrupt, we don’t have a lot of time, and I never said that. I said I could release her whenever I wanted to. But!”, the hand on her hair shifted to gripping her jaw, “Listen. What’s the point of releasing her now if she dies in the forest of death or the invasion or the war that is going to happen in a few years? Until you are prepared to do what is needed to protect the people around you, she is as good as dead anyway.”

A sticky wetness began to spill where the woman grabbed Sakura’s jaw, and the edges of her bloody form began to become uneven. Sakura heard her mutter something foul under her breath.

Pulling Sakura even closer to the detached head, the other her said, “You have already changed to many things, and we have no guaranteed that Konoha will emerge victorious this time and since your own life clearly means little, let us hope Ino being stuck in the hellhole with the rest of us might motivate you more, because it's high time you pull yourself together.”

Fuming with rage, Sakura tried to punch the other woman, but as soon as her fist reached her chest, tendrils of blood spun around her and Sakura found herself being pulled inside against the decapitated woman.The blood burrowing into her skin, much to her horrification, and yet the grip on her jaw remained steady. Sakura tried to shake free, tried to scream, but she was being swallowed up again.  The distant echo of the other Sakura's last words ringing in her ear as she once again lost consciousness.

“We’ll talk again, about this place, about what happened before our first death and this strange situation we're trapped in, if you manage to keep Konoha and yourself still standing.”

And then she woke up. Ino was still unconscious in her bed and just an hour left before the Chunin Exam began.

Chapter Text

Beautiful long strands of hair fell across her face. It flowed as she imagined daylight did. Soft, warm and impossibly bright. Lifting up a trembling hand, Sakura watched the girl in the mirror copy her through pale blue eyes. Tucking some hair behind her ear, Sakura thought to herself, I always liked Ino’s hair. Envied it even. No one ever called it weird or made fun of it or commented that it was an unfortunate hair color for a shinobi. 

Ino’s hair was pretty in a way that not only met beauty standards, but also substantiated them. Who wouldn’t want to look like this girl? Didn’t you see how confident and happy it has made her? Didn’t you want to be just as comfortable in your own skin?

Ha!

All things considered, these thoughts were comedically inappropriate, horrifyingly so, but Sakura tried to cling to them anyway, she had to. The alternative was to focus on the pain and panic rampaging inside her - inside them.

For there was a ‘them’ now, wasn’t it? One held hostage by a monstrous, many-faced beast constantly sprouting new heads. The other sealed inside bloodred muscles wrapped in pale skin that didn’t belong to her. The whole situation had made Sakura think of parasites and tumors, of festering wounds gnawing through bones.

It made her feel ill. 

It made her feel like an illness. 

And neither of those feelings were helpful, so, morbidly admiring the body she snatched from her best friend in front of her bathroom mirror was the best course of action. At least until the trembling in her limbs subsided. The Ryōgae no jutsu was meant to steal kekkei genkais. It was meant to be used sparingly, a few centimeters at the time or very slowly and carefully.

Sakura hadn’t had the time to be careful. Just like she didn’t have the time to be lounging around here, the Chunin exam was starting any minute now, but it had taken all of her strength to stumble her way to the mirror. She had needed to check that she wasn’t missing half of Ino’s face or something like that. The last thing she needed was to show up looking like an abomination. And now that she knew she could pass as Ino, Sakura desperately needed to hurry over to the exam. 

Ino’s life depended on it.

And that meant that Sakura couldn’t fail this time. 

Somehow, she made it just before they closed the doors for good. She had Sasuke to thank for that - and the fact that she was willing to admit that said a lot about how exhausted she felt - for he seemed to have spent the last minutes waiting for her/Ino arguing with guards.  When she reached them, Sasuke scowled at her and said something Sakura struggled to hear over the blood rushing in her ears.

He didn’t wait for a reply before turning his back on her and walking into the exam building. Sluggishly, she followed after taking a few unsteady breaths. To her surprise someone walked beside her, matching her incredible slow pace without complaints or comments. It took her mind a few seconds to recognize that it was Shino, Ino’s other teammate. 

The collar of his jacket covered half of his face and the sunglasses hid his eyes, rendering him difficult to read as always. At least Sakura didn’t sense any hostility, and his presence felt strangely comforting. Maybe because he sort of looked like Sai under the right lighting. Or maybe it was just the chemicals in her brain going haywire. 

She didn’t get much time to think about it as they followed Sasuke to the third floor, completely by passing the genjutsu on the second floor where a few people were still gathered. And when they made it to the exam room, the test began almost immediately afterwards. 

Seeing as the last question was the only one that mattered, Sakura rested her head on the desk and tried to get some energy back. Hopefully the people who knew Ino would just assume she was using the mind body switch jutsu. She should probably answer some of the questions later to make it more convincing.

She just needed to close her eyes for a little bit. Running all the way here had been excruciating. The body rebelling against every step.

“-no.”

It felt a little like having her nails ripped out. Like she was yanking her flesh forward with fishing hooks. 

“Ino!”

If she only had gotten more time to adjust, right now she had no idea how she would be able to move from her seat, much less how to murder two highly skilled shinobis such as Kabuto and Orochimaru.

A hand appeared in front of her face. Startled, Sakura’s head snapped up. Shino and Sasuke exchanged looks. The room was mostly empty, and Sakura felt her cheeks heating up with embarrassment and anger, her fingers curling into fists as she pushed herself up. She had laid her head down a few moments ago, the fact that much time had slipped past her was beyond concerning and infuriating. 

Still, she tried to smile at Ino’s strange assortment of teammates.

“Sorry, that last bit was intense, wasn’t it? What an exhausting exam!” Sakura regretted the words the second they left her mouth, Ino wasn't the type to admit weakness, she always doubled down on the confidence act when she felt shaken. 

But as luck would have it, Shino and Sasuke didn’t pay much attention to her words (her teammates ignoring her, what else is new?), instead they continued an argument Sakura clearly missed the beginning of.

“No, I’m continuing this,” Sasuke said, “and I won’t let the two of you slow me down.”

“Whether you want to continue or not is not the deciding factor. Why? Because we’re teammates. All of us need to be prepared,” Shino replied. 

And she is not , was left unsaid but still clear as day. Sakura would have been offended had she not felt so dizzy after standing up. So, she settled with being mildly annoyed that they were having the conversation as if she wasn’t in the room.

“ -ve made us fail the first test!” Sasuke snarled at Shino, and Sakura inwardly cursed that she spaced out again. 

Shino turned his head to the side, perhaps because he couldn’t stand to look at Sasuke or maybe he was just affected by whatever Sasuke said. Probably the latter. His voice was a little subdued when he answered; “I admit I should have understood the true meaning of the test, but with the information I had, withdrawing was the only logical course of action.”

Blinking, it took Sakura a few moments to pierce together what happened. Shino almost withdrew them from the exam? It must have been when Ibiki-san came with his ‘answer this question right or forever forfeit the right to be a chunin’ speech. And Sasuke stopped him? Maybe?  Kami, Sakura felt split between dismay that Shino almost cost her the chance to free Ino and touched that he was such a good teammate that he prioritized Ino’s well-being over a possible promotion.

Sasuke scoffed and opened his mouth but before he could say anything an impatient voice called out; “Stop lagging behind kids! The fun part of the exam is about to begin!”

Indeed. Anko was right. So, ignoring her pain and exhaustion, Sakura slapped her temporary teammates shoulders and said, “You two can argue later, I have an exam to win.”

Strangely enough, Sakura actually felt better the deeper inside the Forrest of Death they went. It might be because the waiting period before the second test had been beyond awkward with Sasuke and Shino engaging in a silent argument and Shikamaru and Choji trying to talk to her.

 (“Ino?” someone had said, trying to catch her attention, but by the time Sakura realized that she should respond when people call out her best friend's name, she had already walked away.)

So, the silent jumping from tree to tree was considerably less tiring. At least on her mind.  Her body was suffering, and she definitely wasn’t moving fast or smooth enough. It didn’t come as a surprise when Shino stopped on a tree branch ahead of her, patiently waiting for her to catch up.

Biting back the urge to grimace, Sakura landed beside him. Dark sunglasses reflected the pale and fatigued face she was wearing.  She looked like a gust of wind could knock her over. One of Shino’s kikaichū buzzed around her head, and Sakura felt a spike of dread. Could it sense that something was off? Sakura didn’t know much about the abilities of the kikaichūs, the Aburame clan guarded their secrets well. Perhaps Shino’s insistence on withdrawing from the competition had a more sinister reason?

Her growing panic was halted by Shino’s words.

“Did something happen?” 

Concern or suspicion? It was impossible to read his tone. And the question itself was strange. Wouldn't it be more normal to ask if she was okay or hurt? 

Keeping her tone carefully light, she asked; “What do you mean?” 

There was no way she would be able to outrun him in this state, nor could she knock him out seeing as Sasuke was sulking on a tree a little ahead of them. So, convincing him nothing was wrong was her best option. She could do this.

Shino’s face did a strange twitch thing, as if it aborted an expression just before it could form. When he spoke again, he buried his face deeper inside his collar, “You went to Haruno yesterday.”

Oh dear. Nevermind.

Sakura’s eyes flicking surreptitiously between Shino and Sasuke. Adrenalin sharpening her senses in a way that made her feel almost normal. The weight of the kuneis on her hips felt reassuring. Smiling, she said, “What of it?”

This time, Shino frowned. “You said you’re going to use your clan jutsu to help her with something. Is it the reason you look so tired?”

Forcing her body to appear relaxed, Sakura shrugged, “It left me a tiny bit dizzy, yeah, but I’ll be fine with some rest. Can we get back to running?”

Shino’s looked like he wanted to say something more, but Sakura didn’t give him the chance, propelling herself forward to the next tree branch.  He had no issues catching up with her, but thankfully he didn’t try to start the conversation again.

Which left plenty of time to inwardly freak out about the fact that if Ino told Shino about their plans, then the Yamanaka head definitively also knew. And Sakura had left her own unconscious body behind. Why didn’t she think of hiding it or something? Sometimes it felt like she was trying to sabotage herself. Perhaps it wasn’t too surprising that her other selves followed that tradition.

Her thoughts kept tormenting her until they finally stopped for the day. Their hiding spot was decent enough. Sasuke offered to take the first watch and Shino called back some of the Kikaichūs he had sent ahead. To no one's surprise, Sakura collapsed the second she was allowed. But just before she fell into oblivion, she thought she heard Shino kneel down beside her and say.

“If there is something wrong, you can tell me.”

But surely that had been a figment of her imagination. She quickly forgot about as she fell into restless sleep.

The foul nightmares that tormented was quickly forgotten as Sakura was startled awake by a feeling of wrongness. Dawn ignited the green leaves stretching above her, casting mottled shadows over Sasuke, who was sleeping not too far away from her. Scanning the area, Sakura failed to locate Shino.

Cautiously, she made her way to Sasuke, gently shaking his shoulders as her eyes surveyed the forest. When Sasuke's eyes fluttered open, Sakura raised a finger over her mouth, signalizing that he needed to be silent. At the blink of an eye, Sasuke was alert and ready, sitting up and looking around for Shino and for danger. 

A sense of relief washed over her. Despite everything that had happened between them, or, some versions of them, a part of her felt safer knowing Sasuke had her back. For now at least. Silently, they took out their weapons and began moving out. 

There was no sign of a struggle having occurred, not to mention she and Sasuke hardly would have slept through an attack on Shino, so, either their teammate had been lured or some kind of genjutsu had been set. Sakura raised a hand and whispered, “Kai.” Sasuke gave her an appraising look and followed her example, but no obvious illusion was broken.

Sakura wondered if Orochimaru was the one attacking them. On one hand, that would be very bad for obvious reasons, but at least it would reassure Sakura that Shino was most likely alive. After all, the snake man wouldn’t be trying too hard to kill them. Also, a known enemy was less daunting than an unknown one. 

When the kunais flew towards them, Sakura thought finally, the anticipation had been near suffocating. Although she was considerably less pleased when her body moved with such slowness that she only barely dodged them. 

A tall teen wearing a Sunagakure headband grinned down at them from a tree. His face was unfamiliar, but the aura he gave off was far too dangerous for a genin. From the corner of her eye, she spotted the outline of two figures to her left. Sasuke clearly spotted them as well, if the way he shifted his feet slightly towards them could be trusted.

“Well, well, well,” the teen above them said, “looks like we have caught a group of Konoha brats.”

Ugh.

He was that type of opponent. Tilting her head a little to the side, Sakura took a closer look at the pair on her left, and felt her chest tighten when she realized one of them was a knocked out Shino. Distracted by her discovery, she almost missed the part where the guy demanded they give him their heaven scroll and then maybe he would consider letting them live. 

“We don’t have a heaven scroll, only the earth on,” Sasuke said coldly, his fingers tightening around his kunai.

Sakura had no way of knowing if he was telling the truth seeing as she had spaced out most of the orientation and had no idea which scroll they got. Looking at the sadistic glint in their opponent’s eyes, she figured it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. There was little chance that they could avoid fighting them.

And right on cue, the Sunagakure-nin said, “Oh really? That's a shame. I guess we’ll just do this for fun in that case.”

Three things happened simultaneously after that. Sasuke began the hand signs for his fireball jutsu, Sakura sensed a third enemy stalking towards them and her body refused to move fast enough to dodge. 

The result? A sharp kick sending her flying in the air and forcefully through a tree. When her mind stopped spinning and blood poured out of her mouth, Sakura only had a brief moment of reprieve before a hand grabbed her neck.

“Ino!” Sasuke yelled, his voice filled with worry.

Distraught, Sakura struggled to free herself and save Ino. Surely something terrible must be happening to her Sasuke was yelling like that. Why was Ino even here - wait, oh  The lack of oxygen made her blurred vision and Sakura felt almost giddy with humor. 

She was Ino. She was the one in danger. The world was turning black and swallowing her up.

“SAKURA!” A familiar voice screamed, “No, no, you can’t, please, you mustn’t! Don’t you dare give up Billboard brow!”

A shiver knocked her teeth together. Her bones were trying to rattle right out of her skin. Suddenly her insides felt too big, like her flesh couldn’t possibly hope to contain it all. And she felt her muscles coil, neatly and tightly, only to then unleash like a whirlwind.

In one move, her fist snapped the hand around her neck like a twig. And then, Sakura’s fingers tore into the base of her assailant's throat. Tearing him open, throat to chest, nails ripping through muscle and cartilage, and a pulsing flood of blood pouring over her like tap water. Drenched with warm, thick blood, Sakura felt deliciously alive. Laughter tickling its way through her bruised neck.

Her fingers had done a good job vivisecting him. She could she his heart beats slowing down as body lost more and more blood.

A voice she hadn't heard since she had been twelve for real yelled "Shannaro!" inside her head.

Chapter Text

“Oh shit.” 

That was all the Sunagakure-nin said when his teammate’s mangled body hit the forest ground. His eyes locked onto hers, the mocking glint gone and replaced by wariness. The terrific thud of bones cracking and flesh splattering ringing in the air like a warning. One that had come far too late - the prey had already made a meal of the predator. 

Sakura smiled, something carnivorous in her smelled fear and salivated at it. “ Kill, kill, kill !” voices and power hummed underneath her skin, egging her on, not battle, but to slaughter. Her body felt light, going like a bird on the wind, with no thought, contained in motion. At the blink of an eye, she was looming above the walking collection of meat holding Shino captive.

There was little to none coordination or elegance in the way she launched herself at him. Absently, she took note that Sasuke began fighting the talkative member of the Sand team, fire and kunais flashing in the corner of her eyes. She paid them little attention as she focused on mutilating the dark haired teen in front of her. Nails clawing at his face and her legs struggling to find a foothold in the space between hip-bone and ribs. 

Both of them plunged into the ground when the sand bastard lost balance. A long line of torn skin drawn as Sakura’s nails were forced to detach from his face. Landing on her feets like a feline, Sakura was quick to spin her body towards a new attack, but unfortunately this time, her opponent was ready. A rapid succession of hand signs followed by a sharp gust of wind knocked her backwards. She twisted her body to the side and narrowly avoided being smashed against a tree. Only to then see silver shurikens flying at her from the sides and above, glistening with an unnatural purplish tint. 

“ Tch, wind attack and poison, how very on brand,” Inner said derisively, and while Sakura agreed with the sentiment, she would prefer either a more helpful commentary or for her newly reinstated Inner to shut the fuck up.  “How about more power instead, you ungrateful little shit? ”  

Right on cue, a wave of energy and heat turned electric in her veins, rushing through her body to spur it into delivering more violence. Grinning like a maniac, her fist collided with the earth and plunged it to the heavens. The thundering destruction far beyond what was needed to block a few shurikens, cracking open the ground and swallowing trees, enemies and allies alike.  

Most of the force had been directed at her opponent, and the bones on his legs scattered much like the ground before he fell into the abyss. Shino, who was still unconscious, had been far away enough to not be directly injured by her attack, but as the ground around him began to crumble, he too fell.

Sakura watched it happen in a dreamlike stupor. The feral energy intoxicating her mind only knew carnage. As luck and irony would have it, Sasuke was not constricted by single-minded savageness and abandoned his own battle to rescue Shino. Thus allowing Sakura to commit her focus on the battle and only the battle, her eyes latching onto the tall Sunagakure-nin once again. He looked a little worse for wear. Cuts, scrapes and burns decorating his body. Sasuke had put up quite a fight it would seem. Not bad , she thought with a flicker of approval, gearing up to finish off the last enemy.

The previously cocky teen took one look at her, his face unreadable, before taking off in the opposite direction. She stood stupefied for a moment, unable to process that he was running away from her. A thrill of excitement propelled her after him. Thin tree branches cut her face as she chased down her kill with great enthusiasm. Adrenaline flowed, and with the focus of each step, bloodlust heightened. They cut into a glade, and for some reason he abruptly stopped, allowing her to tackle him into the foliage. Whatever distracted him, it did so at a great cost, as Sakura infused enough force to break bones when she caught him. His face distorted in agony beneath her.

“Well, well, well,” she echoed, “looks like I have caught a Sunagakure brat.” Blood poured out between his teeth as she dug her knees into his ribs. A gurgling sound of misery escaped his lips, making Sakura giggle,  “What was that? I can’t hear you.” 

Hatred and desperation helped the teen squeeze out; “H-h-he..lp,” with a weak and rattling voice, as though it took the last of his breath with it.

Before Sakura had the chance to mock the futility of begging for help, Inner sharply said “ We got company ,” jolting Sakura out of her haze of bloodlust. Her eyes scanned the area for danger and quickly landed on the silent silhouette watching her between the trees. She didn’t recognize him at first, unable to reconcile the stoic, but mostly kind and awkward man, which her most recent memories painted, with the dead-eyed and unstable boy he had once been.

Cloaked by shadows, Gaara of the Sand lurked just a few steps away from the clearing, blue eyes flashed in the semi-darkness as sunshine filtered through the trees and dappled light swept across his features. He stared unblinkingly at her, ropes of sand slithering like snakes in front of him, letting out a soft hissing sound that echoed in the air.

She stared back, covered in the blood of his countrymen - the corpse of one of them crushed beneath her weight, proclaiming her guilt if there was any doubt. An awkward predicament, if she may say so. Not that she believed Gaara was particularly protective of his fellow village members at this point, but she doubted seeing them murdered inspired positive emotions.

“ Just keep quiet and prepare to run ,” Inner advised and Sakura was struck by a childish urge to be contrary.

Lifting a hand up, and inwardly cringing at the flesh stuck inside her nails, Sakura waved at him and said,“Hi.”

“ Or be an idiot and exchange meaningless chit chat. There is no way that might blow up on our face .”

Gaara blinked, which Sakura chose to count as a victory, and the sand around him grew thicker, which Sakura felt less optimistic about. No attack followed, instead Gaara stated; “You killed Kimura.”

There was no anger in his tone, only a hint of curiosity. Sakura shrugged in response. Any other answer would be redundant. Her blasé attitude seemed to intrigue Gaara. He leaned forward and said, with less certainty, “The sound, the earthquake, was that you?”

Was that excitement in his eyes? Like he wanted to test his strength against her or something? Prepubescent boys sorely lacked common sense and sanity.

“ Look who's speaking ,” Inner snarked, “ are you forgetting the bloodbath you engaged in just a few moments ago ?”

Well, that was not the same. She had enjoyed the killing bit, sure, but it was not like her head had been filled with silly ideas like proving her strength.

“ Right, that's much saner. ”

“Shut up, you wanted me to kill them,” Sakura mumbled, irritated with the sudden snarkiness from her Inner self. She certainly couldn’t remember the voice being so infuriating before. 

“...what?” Gaara said, interrupting her inwardly feud. 

Sakura realized she might have spoken out loud, and hurried to clarify; “Not you, I wasn’t speaking to you - the voice in my head, she, well,” she paused when she realized how batshit crazy that made her sound, but then she vaguely remembered that Shukaku used to speak in Gaara’s head. Or something like it. So, she bravely continued her explanation,”she yells at me to kill and kill and now, look, the point is, I wasn’t talking to you.”  

In a flash, a wave of sand came up and curled around Sakura’s ankle. Barely brushing her skin before sliding away just as quick. By some miracle, Sakura managed to push down her instinct to flinch, appearing unaffected instead.

Tendrils of sand continued to hover beside her in an almost skittish and shy manner. The same description could be applied to Gaara’s voice when he asked, “Your mother speaks in your head too?”

Uh.

“ The fuck .” Inner eloquently summarized. 

“...not my mother exactly, more like a sister of a sort?” Once upon a time, she had imagined Inner was her twin sister, so, technically that statement was truthful. Nonetheless, this was quickly turning into one of the oddest conversations ever.

The sand reached for her again, tendrils twining through her locks, pulling the strands taut before releasing them. Unnerving in its gentleness.

“What is your name?”

A distant voice calling out Gaara’s name saved her from needing to respond. The second Gaara turned his head away from her, she ran, just as Inner had advised the first time. Darting inside the ring of trees that surrounded them, vowing to avoid people from Sunagakure the rest of the exam.

What a weird encounter.

At some point, after running and running and running, Sakura collapsed. 

It was unavoidable, really. She burned through more energy than her measly chakra system should be able to contain. Not to mention pushing her muscles to perform at a speed and force which should have caused her tendons and ligaments to snap the first two seconds. In fact, her muscles had been ripped apart multiple times under the strain of the battle, but her body had stitched itself back together so fast that she hadn’t noticed. 

Even now, a thin layer of genjutsu cloaked her, protecting her unconscious form. There were other people living inside her skin, hearing and feeling, even when she wasn't.  Their control was limited, for now.

They kept watch as night fell upon her. The sun rose before Sasuke stumbled upon her. After a brief moment of contemplation, they lifted the genjutsu, allowing him to see her. He stood, a stark silhouette against the soft colors of morning, Shino on his back and a conflicted expression on his face as he regarded his female teammate.

Anyone would be wary after witnessing the gleeful slaughter the blonde girl had engaged in a day ago. And Sasuke was more distrustful than most, especially when it came to sudden displays of brutality. But he clearly couldn’t bring himself to leave her there completely defenseless either. So, he picked her up as well, continuing his search for shelter, his two unconscious teammates a heavy weight to carry.

In her dream, Tsunade-sama and Shizune visit her. They laugh and tease her. They had seen her ‘fight’, if it could be called even that. Honestly Sakura, where did she learn such a beastly form of battle?

Such violent rage, out of control and lost.

They laugh and laugh and then they leave her. Leaving her lost in anger and time.

Sakura woke with a slowness that felt like drowning. Consciousness drifting in and out like a tide. In the distance she could hear a sound: a pant, here and gone again. It sounded pained, and a small part of her felt something close to concern. But most of her wanted to ignore it. Her body felt leaden, slowly sinking towards the dark and solitary bottom called reality. A place too cruel and endless.

She wished she could fall into oblivion instead. Yet her brain churned on, her thoughts running to the day before and the day ahead. Both daunting in their own way. Images flashing before her eyes and regret piled up. Apparently, she was still capable of reaching even newer lows. One bad decision after another.

“I can’t argue against that.”

Inner ?

“ Yes? ”

It should not come as such a huge relief to still hear that voice in her head, but kami, it did. She blamed the sense of abandonment and loneliness from her dream clinging to her, making her latch onto the presence in her head. 

I don’t know what to do .

“ Do what I tell you to. ”

That startled an uneasy laugh from her, inwardly that is. 

The things you make me do have hardly caused me less trouble than my own choices.

Sakura supposed that was the issue with taking advice from yourself. You didn’t become a less insane bitch by consulting the angry voices in your head.

Inner scoffed, “ Oh yeah, how troublesome of me to find a way for you to access some of the combined chakra of your previous… attempts . I can’t see that being useful in the future, unlike the complete waste of time you have indulged in before this.”

Maybe Sakura would have been more grateful if the road to this skill didn’t come with a guaranteed trip back to the T&I, this time with the full hospitality of a furious Yamanaka clan head.

“ That's what concerns you? We won’t be going to the T&I. As soon as we deal with the snakes, you’ll be back in your bed and hands washed clean of everything that has happened here .” 

That sounded overly optimistic, but at least it gave Sakura enough comfort to flit her eyes open. Awareness accompanying her action. She was lying beneath a tree, hands and feets tied tight and layers of sharp wires spun like web above her. One wrong move and she would be cut to pieces. 

Not too far away from her was Shino, free of bonds and wire traps, but still just as, if not more, incapacitated as Sakura. A sickly pallor colored his skin and his body trembled. Clearly the painful panting earlier must have come from him, even if he was worryingly silent now.

“ It's the poison from the Sunagakure-nin ,” Inner supplied, “ Sasuke has practically been tearing his own hair out trying to find a way to deal with it .”

Indeed, Sakura could see the evidence of it with the assortment of leaves and herbs gathered around Shino. A few chosen greenies recommended to slow down the most basic poisons. Unfortunately, a poison from Sunagakure was bound to be a little more complex.

“ Which means that gives us an opportunity - a way to secure Sasuke’s cooperation for what comes next. ”

Ugh. In the interest of self preservation, Sakura protested at the idea of involving Sasuke in her plans. Considering her past experience it was bound to end poorly. She didn’t get much time to argue though, since the boy himself decided to make an appearance. His footsteps approached their little corner of the forest.

And one way or another, Sakura would have to find a way to deal with him.

Chapter Text

“Hell-” her greeting was amputated by the weight of Sasuke’s heel pressing down the wire on her bare legs, causing her to hiss in pain instead. 

Behind him, the sun blazed, crisping him to a dark silhouette bathed in its glaring light. Wide shoulders. No expression. An ominous shadow cast over her. It'd been such a long time since the Sasuke in front of her matched the image she had in her head, that she felt disoriented looking up at him. The scenery around them flickered between battlefields and rivers cradled by towering rocks. But then the pressure abruptly ceased, the pain peaking before subsiding into a dull ache, and she was back to the presence. 

Sasuke crouched down beside her, no purple armor cloaking him, just grim determination as he said;  “One wrong move and you’ll be torn to shreds. Do you understand?” 

Thin streaks of her blood had trickled downwards and mixed with the earth, filling the air with a metallic stench.  Sakura breathed it in and out - iron minting in her tongue, and nodded after a beat. 

“Good,” Sasuke said, the hard glint in his eye lending weight to his next words, “the only reason you’re still alive is because you owe me some answers. If you can’t provide them, then that reason no longer remains.”

“ He's really laying it on thick, isn’t he? ” Inner said amused, like she was commenting on a bad theater play and not the dangerous situation Sakura found herself in. The nonchalance was both comforting and disconcerting.

How about you drop the snarky remarks and tell me the details of your master plan ? 

“ In time, let us first see how this interrogation plays out.” 

You’re kidding right? Sakura had been trying to be snide when she made the theater play comparison, but if Inner really saw this as a form of entertainment, well, it would not be good obviously.

“I don’t, but we need to know which conclusions he has drawn before we say anything,” Inner said, and Sakura had a strong suspicion that the voice was rolling her eyes at her, “also, you should really focus on the conversation outside of your head, lest Sasuke switch out threats with more demonstrations.”

Sound advice, though it might have come a little late. She had already been quiet for too long and she could see the lack of response stir a wave of uneasiness in Sasuke’s face. His knuckles turned white as he tightened his grip on a kunai Sakura hadn't noticed before now. 

At least it wasn't a sword. 

Not wishing to dwell on those particular minefields of memories, she hurried and said, “What do you want to know?”

He frowned, seemingly picking his next words carefully, and his voice a mixture of uncertainty and aggression when he finally spoke, “You’re not Ino.”

“Are you asking or stating?” Sakura responded and then inwardly winched at how sarcastic it came out. It was hard to keep her tone mellow and meek when the atmosphere was strained with so much hostility.  

Sasuke’s face grew taut, clearly taking her words as a confirmation. He leaned closer and brought the kunai to her face. She watched the blue sheen along its edge and thought that the proximity felt cutting enough on its own when aided by her recollections. 

“Who are you?” Sasuke asked, “What did you do to Ino?” 

What did she do to Ino? There was something inherently maddening with Sasuke accusing her of hurting her best friend. The fact that it was justified only made it harder to swallow. She muttered a string of curses under her breath, trying to calm her anger and Sasuke blinked in confusion.

Before he could question the odd behavior, she cleared her throat and said, “The answer to the first question is unimportant in the grand scheme of things. As for Ino,” Sakura paused as she felt a strange sensation slithered in her head. Words began to flood up and crowded against her teeth. It took her a moment to decipher their meaning and recognize Inner’s presence surging them forward; “she was the one entering places she really shouldn’t and here we are.”

Um. Inner? 

“ Just trust me. ”

In response to her words, Sasuke’s shoulder turned stiff and his voice was carefully neutral when he asked, "Did you kill her?" 

Despite Sasuke’s best efforts, there was no mistaking the underlying furry behind that question. It was funny in a distinctly unfunny way. His outrage reflecting her own, the potent misery of it all tugged her lips into a smile. 

“She is no less alive than I’m, in fact you could argue she is more since her body is moving while mine lies still,” she recited the script Inner transcribed, not particularly impressed by the way it was seemingly ripped off reality. 

The dark haired boy puzzled over her remark for a moment, an impatient pinch between his eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

It was hard to say if he was genuinely confused or in denial at what she was implying.  She proceeded to explain anyway, “I think you know. You’re her teammate, surely you have seen this demonstrated before? Though I suppose the results usually have been more favorable for the young Yamanaka.”

“That's impossible,” Sasuke said, the statement far from confident, ”you’re lying so I don’t kill you.” 

Carefully, so as to not cut herself at the wires surrounding her, Sakura shrugged, “Maybe, or maybe I’m telling the truth and killing me means killing one teammate and leaving the other to die. That is, assuming he is not dead already.”

Sasuke’s head snapped towards Shino, his mouth tightened into a thin line as he took note of how still the other boy laid. Between the baggy jacket and the distance, it was impossible to tell if his chest was raising or not. Worry and anxiety planted themselves on Sasuke’s face. It was obvious that he wanted to move to Shino’s side, but the threat of Sakura kept him leashed. Idiot, if she truly was an enemy, she would have taken advantage of his distraction long ago.

“ If you were an enemy,” Inner scoffed.

Seconds ticked by as Sasuke dwelled in indecisiveness. Sakura’s body ached from the uncomfortable position it had been forced in and the cuts in her legs seared in heat. Even so, she felt calm as she patiently waited for him to speak again.

“ As you should. He is twelve, one of his teammates is dying and the other one is us. Wire traps or not, the kid is in a much worse position than we are, and he knows it ,” Inner said gleefully.

At last, Sasuke reached some sort of conclusion. Dark eyes full of resolve as he met her pale ones. His lips pressed together, and then he raised the kunai. Anticipation made her flinch before it even made contact, which was why it took her a few moments to realize it hadn’t been used to slice her.

One by one, the wires above her were cut until none remained. The practical part of her mind bemoaned the waste, but mostly she was glad to see them rendered useless. She sat up slowly, dirt clinging to her, and twisted her upper body so that her tied hands faced Sauke. It wouldn't have been hard to break free from the ropes herself now that she had almost full mobility, but it would be painful. Furthermore, Sasuke would probably be unnerved if she did it herself. So, she watched him begrudgingly cut her free over her shoulder. Small nicks remained on her wrists and ankles when all was done.

They watched each other in mutual distrust.

“If you make one wrong move,” Sasuke started, an echo of his previous threat, but without the leverage that gave it weight. 

She grinned at him, revealing white teeth still drenched in blood.

Left to less skillful hands, Shino’s life would have been forfeited, no question. This was not because the poison was particularly difficult to handle, but rather the fact that it had gotten plenty of time to wreck Shino’s body. 

The substance in the poison had caused damage to the tubule cells of the kidneys, leading to acute kidney failure. Fluids and wastes had long accumulated beyond what the heart could compensate for and multiple systems were affected. Sakura found herself forced to simultaneously draw out the poison and heal various organ tissues. 

Like a hawk, Sasuke watched her every move. Rather unnecessary, might she add.  She had no intention of letting Shino die. Putting aside the moral qualms of letting one of her Konoha peers perish, she had a personal stake in his continued existence. Namely, Sasuke being much easier to handle if burdened with an unconscious teammate. 

Until Sakura dealt with Orochimaru that is. After that Inner had promised Ino’s freedom and that was really all Sakura cared about.

Ensuring Shino was stable, Sakura stood up and stretched. Almost immediately, Sasuke dashed forward, his eyes darting around Shino’s body. Relieved to see the other boy looking visibly more healthy, the tension in Sasuke’s body lessened. And yet he still somehow found enough audacity to say, ”Why are you stopping?”

“I’ve healed what I can, but we’ll have to make an antidote for the rest,” she lied.

Sasuke looked skeptical, but he was inclined to react that way to everything she said and did. He made no further protests at least, choosing instead to hover around Shino like a mother hen. Sakura stepped back unsteadily. Her body was clammy and exhausted despite then many hours of rest not long ago. Apparently the stress had taken a bigger toll on her than expected or, more likely, the lack of water and food was affecting her.

Feeling entitled to basic necessities after helping Shino, she said to Sasuke, “I must have misplaced this girl’s stuff, give me some water.” 

They fall into an uneasy truce. Shino doesn't wake up, but his complexion improves rapidly and that softens Sasuke’s hostility towards her ever so slightly. The Chunin Exam continues around them, but they don’t run into other teams. Partly because they avoid noisy areas and partly because of luck. 

Sasuke carried Shino on his back and insisted Sakura walk in front of them.  He inquired when Ino supposedly used the mind jutsu on her, and Sakura answered that it was during the written part of the exam.  It was the truth even, in one lifetime. He didn’t ask her why she still stuck around.

But he did ask, “What's your name?”

“Unimportant,” Sakura answered, impatiently scanning the forest as she soared through the air.

Sasuke had not allowed her to brush him off, “Give something I can call you, it's annoying referring to you as ‘you’.”

A silly argument, now that she looked back at it. All the same, she had felt irrationally irritated at his persistence.  Her feet landed on the nearest tree branch and neglected to jump to the next. Sasuke had landed beside her with a frown on his face. 

She met his expectable gaze with a cruel smile, “Okay, you can call me Mikoto.”

He flinched, briefly, and then looked away. Her heart had skipped a beat, catching a glimpse of grief so profound that it almost matched her own. It had made her want to dig her finger into the wound and delight in the warmth. 

Needless to say, they spent the rest of the time in silence.

Sakura’s memories of her first Chunin Exam was pretty hazy, but she was certain Orochimaru had shown up durning to first days. So, when the third past and forth day was half done and no snake man appeared, she could no longer push down her worry.

It didn’t help that Inner was conspicuously quiet. The strange voice had a habit of disappearing for hours at the time. At first Sakura had thought Inner was deliberately ignoring her, but now she had a growing suspicion something occupied her when she was absent. Or perhaps there was another explanation. Inner had always been something of a mystery, and adding the other Sakuras to the mix made it even more difficult to know what to think of her. One thing was certain though, Sakura would have loved a conversation partner right now, to distract her from her increasing anxiety.  

Fortunately, they ran into the river shortly afterwards. She was not familiar enough with the layout of the forest to say how far away they were from the tower, but at least Sakura had a better idea where they were now. And more importantly, she had days worth of blood, dirt and sweat coating her skin and clothes. 

A chance to be less filthy sounds heavenly. There was however one obstacle. 

“You’re really planning to stand there and gawk at me?” Sakura crossed her arms. The fact that it was Ino’s body he would be shamelessly staring at was the only reason she protested. Years in the army had stripped away her self-consciousness about her own nakedness.

Sasuke had placed Shino on soft looking grass not far from them. They had taken off Shino’s thick jacket earlier when his fever had peaked. And Sasuke took it out from his pouch now and laid it over Shino like a blanket. The poisoned boy had been drifting in and out of consciousness the last day. Sakura reckoned he would be fully present by tomorrow morning and hadn’t yet decided if she wanted to delay that. 

The tip of Sasuke’s ears flushed at the insinuation that he wanted to watch her naked, but he didn’t back down, “For all I know you’re some old pervert inhabiting my teammates teenage body, I can’t leave you unsupervised for such a long duration.”

Fair point, Sakura will give him that. Still, she didn’t want to come off as the loser of that argument, so she promptly began to strip. Sasuke’s eyes never left her face, and he refused to show discomfort. Annoyed, Sakura threw her torn blouse at him and jumped into the water. The bandages on her thighs and stomach were ruined beyond use, but she took them off in the river and tried to wash them anyway. Running around with a bare midriff and basically exposed ass when she was twelve years old Ino would make her the pervert Sasuke accused her to be.

The water moved around her limbs in swirls, cold and soothing against her abused skin. She would have killed for some soap, the layer of filth so thick that she had to scrub hard to shed it. She felt Sasuke’'s stare like a weight, intensifying every time she ducked her head under water to wash the blonde hair roots. She ignored it with ease, occupied as she was with thoughts of Orochimaru. 

The Sannin must have followed them last time around. He had been planning on snatching Sasuke’s body for a long time, the details of his motivation unclear to her beyond everyone's obsession with the Sharingan. It didn’t make sense for him to drop it completely this time around. Except, maybe this Orochimaru was not like the one she met in her first life? She had never considered that the worlds she woke up to might differ from each other. How could she? If that was the case, it would be pointless trying to learn anything about her enemies or their plans. 

She resurfaced, shaking her head, her eyes stinging and her nose running. Some of her locks plastered themselves on her face and she raised her hand and slicked them away. Inner ? She called inwardly, but received no reply. Grimacing, she lamented the fact that she had to comfort herself. Just as she was to duck under again, Sasuke called out to her.

“Mikoto, get back here, someone is coming.”

Infusing her fingertips with chakra, Sakura hauled herself up and landed on top of the water. From there she easily dashed towards Sasuke. He threw her Shino’s jacket and she slipped into it. Side by side, they stood in front of Shino as a person emerged from the thick forest. 

Sakura didn’t know if she felt pleased or pissed when she saw the all too familiar shape of Kabuto greeting them. The older man looked a little worse to wear, scraps here and there, and a sheepish expression on his face.

Adjusting his glasses, he breathed in relief, “Thank goodness, fellow Konoha shinobis!”

The knock off snake proceeded to feed them some sob story of trying to pass the Chunin Exam after failing many times. And now he had lost his teammates and blah, blah, blah. Sakura was momentarily confused by the fact that he was repeating the whole story, but then she remembered that they come late to the exam, so he had to give them the full run through now. 

She can’t really remember what he had said to convince them last time, but without the previous interaction to play off, Kabuto came off as even more suspicious. Sakura tried to catch Sasuke’s eyes, hoping to signal that they should just kill him. If nothing else Kabuto had spared her the trouble in hunting him down.

From the unimpressed look on Sasuke's face, Sakura figured it was safe to assume that he had also reached the conclusion that Kabuto had to go, but then he looked at her and his expression switched.

“We Konoha shinobis should stick together, which scroll do you have?”

Sakura bit her lower lip to stop herself from gaping like an idiot.

Kabuto beamed at Sasuke,”Exactly! I’m afraid I lost my scroll along with my teammates, but I know the layout of this place fairly well and there will be teams with both scrolls passing by and…”

As Kabuto prattled on about ambushes and whatnot, Sakura continued to glare at Sasuke.

Later, she pulled him aside to ask what the hell.

“I remember seeing him at the written exam. There is no way they would let someone wear a false headband, so at least I know he is a Konoha shinobi,”  Sasuke reasoned, the unspoken, ‘unlike you’ clear as day.

There were no words that could describe how infuriating Sakura found the whole situation. And to make matters worse, Sasuke allowed Kabuto to monitor Shino’s health. Did he not know how questionable that man's medical ethics were? In any case, she would soon be outnumbered three to one. She was severely tempted to ditch the whole affair, but Sasuke was supposed to be essential to the whole 'take down Orochimaru' plan.

He was currently failing at serving as bait, but she assumed Inner had more elaborate plans for him. If only she could consult her or at least get some reassurance that she wouldn’t be destroying the only chance to free Ino from her mind if she ran now.

Something akin to hysteria washed over Sakura, leaving her both taut and fidgety. She was teetering on the edge of resignation and recklessness when Kabuto approached her at the dawn of the fifth day.

“Ino-san, I was hoping you could help me gather some herbs, Sasuke told me you have some skills in healing,” Kabuto said, his false affability grating on her nerves. 

A harsh rejection was on the tip of her tongue, poised to be fired, but then she reconsidered. This could be a great opportunity. Killing Kabuto was the main condition the others had set, Orochimaru’s death a bonus. Inner had given her the impression that she was expected to put a real effort in taking Orochimaru down too, but she could hardly be blamed when the man himself refused to appear? This might be the best she could do, and Inner was the one who had abandoned her to herself. So, she could not be faulted for acting on her own.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes when they told him they were headed off to forest. However, since it was Kabuto that came with the suggestion, Sasuke finally allowed her out of his sight. Talk about a terrible judge of character if it was Kabuto he chose to trust. Not that it should surprise her, considering how he ran off with the amoral Sannin in her first life. And then later joined the Akatsuki.

He made her decisions look sane in comparison.

Kabuto led them further and further into the forest. Making small observations here and there about the plant life. She ignored it, just as she ignored his inquiries on how she learnt about healing herbs. His voice sounded far away, almost completely drowned out by the blood rushing to her ears.

In the background, trees sway in the wind, but the sound of animals scurried around was curiously absent. It gave her pause, a sickly churn of anxiety filling her stomach like acid as she questioned whether or not she could trust the feeling of wrongness. Kabuto continued to walk ahead, nevermind the fact that they had passed the herbs they needed many times.

Just as the realization started to dawn on her, a familiar voice said, “ He is separating you from Sasuke. Go back now.”

Inner !

“ Hurry, Orochimaru might be there and Sasuke getting the curse seal will not bode well for our plans. ”

“Ino-san where are you-,” Kabuto’s words were lost to the wind as Sakura speeded back.

He did not chase after her - which was unsettling to say the least. It could not be a good sign that he didn’t feel the need to stop her. Would she be too late? What was going on? Nothing made sense. She felt like she was fumbling in the dark blindfolded. Her future knowledge hinders rather than helps.  Perhaps her earlier theory of the world being different was true?

“ Of course they are different. The path you walked last time depended on millions of coincidences happening exactly the way they happened, one small difference could be enough to flip the table. And you have made so many different choices that it is not odd that everything is unrecognizable. Don’t read more into it than that and get to Sasuke.” 

The words soothed her psych, and felt her focus sharpening as impossible amounts of chakra flow through her. Beneath her feet, the ground dented as she pushed herself forward with a speed Lee would have envied. In a blink of an eye, she was back at the river banks. Her head spun as it tried to catch up with the pace her body had traveled. 

Which was why it took her some time to assess the situation in front of her. It was the sound trio, team Dosu or something. They surrounded Sasuke, but he had put one of them in the ground. But, the one covered in bandages was not fighting, he was kneeling beside Shino. His hand digging into Shino’s chest. The blood had darkened, one glance enough to make Sakura certain that Shino was beyond saving. 

There was no healing the dead. Not with the skills Sakura had been taught.

Sasuke was frozen in terror and the girl took advantage of his distraction to throw senbons at him. They never hit their target as Sakura was quick to block them. She glanced down at Sasuke over her shoulder, ready to tell him to gather his wits, but she was startled to see red bleeding into his eyes and a dark one tomoe appearing.

Racking her brain, she couldn’t remember seeing him use the Sharingan in the last fight. She hadn’t paid it much attention, but could it be he hadn’t awakened it before now? The sound shinobis didn’t give her much time to dwell on it, and she lost herself once again to the battle rhythm. Limps flying in the air as she painted herself with fresh blood.

A terrified Dosu was the last that remained, she stalked her way towards him slowly, delighted by the way he tried to crawl away like a worm. Her momentum was however stopped by a hand grabbing her elbow. 

Sasuke looked at her beseechingly, his eyes lacking tears and somehow looking even more raw because of it. For one bewildering moment, she thought he was trying to stop her. That couldn’t be more wrong though.

“Mikoto, let me.”

Intrigued, she stopped aside. The worm squealed and inches away in fear, begging pathetically for its life. Sasuke’s shoulders turned rigid and stared at Dosu for such a long time that Sakura began to wonder if he had second thoughts.

But then Sasuke kicked him so that his chest was facing up and proceeded to tear him open from throat to navel with his kunai. The brutality of it was surprising coming from Sasuke. It reminded her of the way she had killed that first Sand shinobi. The comparison made her heart clench uncomfortably in her chest.

In the end, only they were left standing, covered in blood and a host of corpses laying stricken around them. Like the monsters of ancient times.

Chapter Text

After wasting precious seconds staring at Sasuke disbelievingly, Sakura raced down the forest once again. But she found no traces of Kabuto while scouting the area. The slippery spy was gone, leaving her as clueless to his objective as always. In a fit of rage, she resorted to yelling out his name, but to no avail. Silence was the only answer she received, both outside and within.

Dropping down to a crouch, Sakura pressed the heels of her palm into her eyes and blamed the pain for the liquid heat building up.  Unbidden and bitter laughter swirled up her chest. She did her best to suppress it, shoulder shaking and teeth mauling her lower lips. For a few moments, the sound managed to stick to the back of her throat like bile, but ultimately, she spewed out a few titters.

Back to square one, right?

So, here she was, a trembling huddle in the foreboding forest floor. Surrounded by mossy trunks and stones and lichen-covered roots. And by veiled enemies and fragile allies and mistrusting spectators. Here she was, unmoored and disoriented and incapable of/unwilling to pinpointing the exact cause of her despair.

Frustration because her foes were appearing in reverse, and she kept wasting time spilling inconsequential blood? Loneliness because of Inner’s silence? Guilt because of Shino? Or fear of Sasuke – feet rooted to ground decorated with blood and flesh as though soaking in the nourishment, red eyes regarding her with a mixture of appreciation and distress? All those reasons and none of them.

The question they were leading up far exceeded their combined misery.  She did not wish to confront it. Instead, she mulled over the whereabouts of Orochimaru, begged Inner for guidance and inwardly cursed Sasuke/Kabuto/herself out. No distractions proved to be enough in the end though. Nothing could stop the growing sense of panic and dread, given from the shape of the question; What now?

What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now?

Such a frightening concept. The nightmarish possibility of possibilities. Linearity was the track the human mind was built to operate on. From A to B, one after the other. The past, the present and the future. But how was she supposed to rationally deal with now and later when she had the opportunity to return to before?  What happened previously laid the groundwork for what happened afterwards, so how could she exist in the moment, when the prerequisite was subjected to constant change?

No, no, stop!

This is exactly why she needed Ino’s help. Everything was wrong, especially herself, and she needed fixing. Ino had fixed her once. The beautiful, clever blonde girl had found a trampled child and made her bloom into something worthy. Except all her strength and accomplishments were withering away now, and only that child remained. A child incapable of saving her savior.

Her palms pressed upwards to her forehead, fists uncurling so her fingers could run through her hair. First gently, then harder and harder until her nails dug into the flesh of her skull, hoping to still the thoughts running wild inside it. A hint of wetness began trickling down her bangs, her nose bridge and then the stream parted, cascading down to the inner corners of her eyes. It gave her the courage to open her eyes and take in the world.

Dusk had set in, bathing the dense woodland, in a deep blue tint. Dark silhouettes of the mighty trees danced with wind above her, stretching towards the mottled-metal sky. And somehow the usual coldness and quiet that accompanied the end of the day had appeared without her noticing. Has that much time passed? Sakura scanned her surroundings and was startled to find a dark figure watching her from the side. Blinking, the young girl briefly considered the possibility that the image before was conjured by her turbulent mind, but the figure tensed at her sudden attention. It made Sakura wonder just how long she had been observed, and what conclusions Sasuke had drawn. It did not escape her notice that the red dye of the Sharingan had faded from his eyes. Nor did she miss the fact that he was carrying Shino’s corpse on his back. The late Aburame heir’s limps hung stiffly, like a puppet that had its string cut, and his face was hidden behind Sasuke’s shoulder.

Night was soon upon them, and with it, all types of ghouls and monsters materialized.

“Hey,” she greeted them with a raspy voice, “have you come to follow through on your threats?”

Sasuke’s face contorted into a strange expression, made even more difficult to decipher by the shadows shifting over his form.  She watched him open his mouth to speak and then clamp it shut, perhaps concluding that discussing his attack strategy was unwise.

“No,” he answered after some time. 

Typical Sasuke, Sakura inwardly sighed. He never gave her much to work with. Thus, encouraging her to fill in the blanks herself. For better or worse. “No? Then are you here to glare at me menacingly?”

The glare intensified, which would have been interpreted as a ‘yes’ if Sasuke hadn’t stepped away from the shrubs and made his way towards her. Warily, she watched as he carefully knelt before her and  placed Shino on the ground between them.  Breath stilled, sunglasses shattered and a dark-red cavity in the center of his chest.

Poor child .

Melancholy seized Sakura’s heart as her eyes flickered between Shino and Sasuke. Her former teammate’s hand tenderly cradling the dead boy’s head, not allowing it to touch the ground. His voice and eyes were distant when he asked; “Could…you?”

It took her a few moments before she properly registered the words, and even longer to comprehend them.

Could she what?

Save him? Fix him? Fix the situation they found themselves in? Could she? Her? Useless and annoying Sakura? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Sasuke was looking at her for help. How stupid and desperate must one be to think she could fix anything? Or save anyone. It was laughable really. Her Sasuke would have known better. He knew she had no value. Nothing to contribute. Only a hindrance and burden. ( "Annoying" ). A brief moment passed where she almost found herself missing that version of him. But then self-loathing was shoved away in favor of outrage. For how dare he? Interlude on her breakdown, thrusting a corpse at her face and making outrageous demands? She began shaking her head in indignation.

Sasuke took it as a response to his plea, and his brows pitched together in displeasure.

“Can’t or won’t? He would have been fine if not for you! And now you won’t even consider helping?” He snarled at her, red shimmering in his eyes,” I should have sliced your throat and been done with it.”

And just like that indignation shifted to relief. What a gift his hostility was. Giving her all the permission she needed to launch head first into rage. All-consuming and almost perversely pleasurable rage. It demanded no thoughts, no reflections, and no remorse. It promised plenty of regrets, but that was a concern for the nonexistent future.

At once, she leapt towards him. Unknowingly spending the last bit of her waning strength. Although in hindsight, maybe she should have known relief was a poor driving force for an attack. It only managed to propel her a short distance before she collapsed atop of her target, her hands forced to clutch his shoulders to keep balance. Resulting in what most would describe as an embrace.

Of course, Sasuke flinched as if she had succeeded in gravely wounding him anyway. The hand not supporting Shino’s head quickly grabbed her neck. It was not a particularly vicious grip, tightening and loosening as if governed by a tic.

“What are you doing?” Sasuke asked, sounding more perplexed than she had ever heard him.

“Attacking you,” Sakura said tiredly, resting her forehead on his shoulder, “just give me a few moments and I'll show you.”

“That’s… not what I asked you to do. Shino, he, you,” Sasuke paused when he noticed her trembling shoulders.

“Has anyone told you that you’re one foolish boy?” Sakura laughed humorlessly, and shook her head again, “you can’t do anything for the dead. He is gone. You know that.”

A long stretch of silence followed, one that kept Sakura waiting for violence that never came. Instead, Sasuke craned his head backwards, compelling Sakura to glance up at his face. A face she had fancied quite a bit once, but now just seemed dreadfully juvenile. And yet it displayed such vivid picture of anguish, anger, and exhaustion when he asked -

“Who are you?”

-that she found herself responding honestly much to her surprise.

That is not to say she went into the gritty details of time travels or her identity or even how she came to lodge in Ino’s body. But the rest of the story came out in an unchronicled and at times incomprehensive babble. She spoke of betrayal from one she held close, of her own weakness, and the loss of everything and everyone she loved. She skipped past her grief and spoke lengthy about the rage and need for vengeance. Sasuke proved to be an alarmingly attentive audience. Never once interrupting, but clearly soaking in every word.

When she finally reached the end of her tale, which only was the beginning or middle part depending on how you looked at it, he nodded.

“You asked if anyone had told me that I am foolish,” Sasuke began, and then failed to continue.

Not intentionally mind you. Sakura watched him try to form the words, to give voice to the horror and woe that had shaped him to who he is. Only it proved a too arduous task for the young boy in front of her.

Partly out of empathy and partly out of a morbid desire to know, she guessed, “Your brother?”

The shudder that traveled through Sasuke’s body, and because of the proximity, hers as well, was all the answer she needed. Considering Sasuke’s feeling towards said brother, it should probably strike her as odd that the implied comparison seemed to make Sasuke more attached to her. Then again, why would it when it made such terrible sense?

Sasuke nodded, and continued the trend of surprising her by asking, “Do you know what happened to my clan?”

Shifting nervously, Sakura pressed her chin against Sasuke’s shoulder and took a deep breath while contemplating the best way to answer that question. The automatic and tactless ‘ I know more than you know at least ’ was quickly discarded. Still, regurgitating the misleading ‘truth’ as Sasuke knows it felt disingenuous and immoral in this moment.

“Uchiha Itachi killed everyone in the clan except you,” Sakura said cautiously, “the circumstance around the event is little discussed.”

The hand on her neck tightened painfully, but when she glanced up to the side, Sasuke was looking at her with gratefulness.

"Exactly. No one speaks of it – or when they do, it is done in a way that they don't really acknowledge it,” Sasuke sneered, “They call me the last Uchiha as if I’m some rare breed or a curiosity. The rest of my clan have been erased from existence twice. Not even that man is mentioned. He is never condemned and no one has spoken of bringing him to justice!”

His voice rose at the last sentence, echoing in forest darkness. He had even let go of Shino, his hand curling into a fist. Yet when he looked at her, some of his anger seemed to ebb away. And he placed his hand on her cheek, and said quietly, “And you, you are the first person who has spoken my mother’s name since the mortician checked it off his list.”

His words surprised her even when they shouldn't. She had never known he felt that way. Nevermind the fact Sakura herself hadn’t had the faintest idea what had happened to Sasuke’s family for most of her first life. One day, a portion of the academy students were gone, and a tragedy had fallen on the village. The teachers might have said some words about the will of fire, and Sasuke had certainly received more than enough attention, but the Uchiha clan itself? No particular importance had been placed on their role as the police force. None of the fallen members had been decorated with posthumous promotions or awards. She personally never heard the word murdered attached to the event. Making it all too easy to brush the clan as a whole underneath the carpet. Konoha specialty when dealing with sensitive matters.

Perhaps that was the underlying meaning of Kakashi-sensei motto of looking underneath the underneath.  

“I-I, do you want to call me something else?” Sakura offered usure and shamefaced.

Sasuke looked at her as though she had proposed something preposterous.

Oh .

The realization chipped away her ability to breathe. Her chest expanded and fell as usual, but barbed wire filled her lungs, tearing her from within. She had become fluent enough to understand madness when it spoke to her; and there it was, a red and black manifestation in Sasuke’s eyes. The same kind that plagued her. Some incidents, some feelings took so much space that one was forced to twist and bend to fit around it.  Evident in how quickly Sasuke discarded his fallen teammate as he emerged himself in the past, which to him connected to the future in a way that almost completely excluded the presence from the equation.

“No, Mikoto, I don’t want to call you something else.”

Dawn found them outside the tower. With Shino dead, their chances at qualifying to the next round was zero, so at least no more time was wasted on searching for the second scroll. Sasuke had gone back to carrying Shino on his back, and she trailed after them a few steps behind. Without the darkness of the night wrapper around them, the air between them was once again tense. Though more because of awkwardness than hostility. Apprehension for what was coming made Sakura draw into herself.  Something Sasuke was quick to notice, if the multiple glances he kept giving her over his shoulder was any indication.

“I won’t say anything,” he offered when she stopped moving and stared up the tower.

You won’t need to ; Sakura thought and made a face at him.

She was momentarily distracted from her worries as she felt something brush softly against ankle. Tiny sand corns move to encircle her leg, almost playfully, before soaring upwards towards the tower. Her eyes traced them to one of the windows, where a familiar figure watched her closely.

Gaara’s expression did not change when she met his eyes, but the sand around her shifted somewhat. When he finally broke eye contact and walked away from the window, Sakura felt certain that he was on his way down to her. That, and the fact that a protector appeared out of thin air before them, made Sakura regret not fleeing while she could.

Then again, maybe there were still opportunities for escape.

“ Indeed. This is a pretty bad situation all around ,” a voice snarked.

Inner !

“ Missed me?”

The nerve! Sakura wouldn’t have been in this situation if she hadn’t listened to her, not to mention the stress the voice’ silence had caused her. What good did it do that her diabolical self appeared now? Other than the fact that she would have company while being tortured by the T&I, that is if Inner didn’t decide to scam off, Kami knows where the second thing became difficult.

“ I’ll take that as a yes ,” Inner said, “ Also, I told you that I won’t let the T&I touch us, didn’t I?”

Inner had said a lot of things, and Sakura saw no reason to trust that promise now when everything else had gone to shit. 

“ You are right about needing to leave,” Inner commented, diplomatically ignoring the bitter tone to Sakura in favor of watching Kakashi, of all people, walk out of the tower, “ I’ve been making the preparations while you've been falling to kill Orochimaru and Kabuto. “

Sakura felt almost too paralyzed with fear to comprehend Inner’s words, her mind flipping between fight or flight as Kakashi closed in, therefore she only barely managed to ask; What preparations – before pain engulfed her world.

Her knees buckled but strong arms caught her before she hit the ground. Familiar voices ricocheted around her, but she couldn’t discern their meanings. Her head felt like it was imploding, and she distantly felt her limbs trashing. The arms surrounding her quickly turned restrictive, holding her still and leaving her no outlet for her pain except screams. Another presence materialized next to her.

It was Sasuke, at least she thought so. And even though she was certain she was dying, or maybe because of it, she wished she could tell him the truth of what happened to his family. Not because she thought it would give him any peace. It might not even change his goal to kill his brother. For just as he never could stop loving his brother despite all he had done, Sakura was certain he could never stop hating no matter how good a reason he had. But in the end, she only managed to scream obscenities to the maybe Sasuke hovering at her side.

More importantly, she thought about Ino, but only briefly. It hurt too much to contemplate how much she was failing her.

Oblivion was much preferable.

I'm sorry.  

" Sorry? SORRY? That's not good enough Sakura!"

She woke up again in her childhood bedroom. Pink hair scattered across her pillow and a monstrous headache plaguing her. Making it how many times now? She groaned in misery, too tired to even muster up the usual existential dread. Her body felt like lead and she longed to sink into the ground. Become one with nothingness. But alas, her unusually full bladder chained her to reality. 

Stumbling out of bed, she started to make her way towards her bathroom. However, an unexpected bundle of something blocked her path and she almost lost balance while stepping on it. Said bundle made a very unhappy noise as it rearranged itself, spikes of blond hair making themselves known.

Naruto mumbled something, being more careful, and Sakura blinked as the last sensible bit of the world evaporated.

Chapter Text

It would seem one could get desensitized to impossibilities. And wasn’t that pleasant news?

After spending approximately 10 seconds staring at the Naruto shaped huddle on her floor, Sakura shrugged and continued her way to the bathroom. Sure, she had no idea what was going on, but that was hardly new. Washing her face (which was her face again) and emptying her bladder clearly took precedence over yet another freakout. Also, not waking up inside a T&I cell was hardly something to complain about. That is, if this wasn't a genjutsu. She lazily lifted a hand up while making her way downstairs, the scenery before her didn’t change as she disturbed her own chakra flow.

Nice.

Pouring herself a cold glass of apple juice, she patiently waited to see how the rest of the day panned out.

Five hours later found her in the middle of a medicine jutsu tutoring session, which she was leading. Her group consisted of some people she vaguely remembered from her graduation class and Naruto, who was uncharacteristically taking avid notes of everything she said. The blonde boy had eaten breakfast with her family this morning, dragged her into a training session and now this.

Following Naruto’s lead was not an unfamiliar concept to Sakura, and it was a comforting habit to fall back into. He could take her to an Akatsuki meeting next and she would rub elbows with Kisame, no questions asked. It was a most pleasant state of mind, she concluded as they finished the lesson.

The blonde boy blabbered happily next to her as they continued onwards in what was clearly a well-established routine. They parted ways after a meal at Ichiraku Ramen. Naruto apologetically stated that he needed to water the plants in his apartment, but he promised to stay over tomorrow!

She waved as he ran off, biting back a smile as he stopped in his tracks multiple times to wave back. But no good thing lasted forever. And the peace ended the second she returned home and sat down on her bed.

“ I can’t decide if I should be concerned or pleased by your calm ,” Inner mushed, the voice echoing eerily in the previously silence of her mind. Sakura had begun sensing her presence sometime between the endurance and strength training in the morning, but she hadn’t really felt like acknowledging something so intangible at the time.

“ Fair enough ,” Inner snorted, “ You stuck to the script of today remarkably well considering you knew none of the lines… Unless , hmm, could it be you remember what the other you did? ”

Ugh, ‘other you’, that sounded like exactly the line of thinking which proved to be so disastrous for her brain time and time again. Sakura hoped she could continue pretending nothing particularly strange was happening today. Apathy had proved to be a powerful shield. And yet, like dim light extending from the gap under a door, the need for enlightenment clawed at her limbs.

Inwardly sighing, she asked, what other me ?

Ino. Mind jutsu. Hostage. The Chunin Exams. Kabuto and Orochiumaru. Shino’s death. T&I. Ramping around in a whirlwind of blood and death. They call me the last Uchiha , the rage and pain in Sasuke’s eyes, as if I’m some rare breed or a curiosity .

All of that she remembered. That was never in doubt. But she had hoped, terrible as it was to admit, that she could lodged the experiences into the file ‘another lifetime’ and store it away. Instead that lifetime had pulled out another ‘Sakura’ file and installed it simultaneously as she had been running about.

No. Inner had done that. And she was casually explaining it, either unaware or uncaring of Sakura’s growing horror. It went like this you see: After Sakura hurriedly exchanged all the pieces of her body with Ino’s, Inner had proceeded to ‘damage control’ the situation. Obviously leaving a lifeless Sakura’s body behind would invite all kinds of questions and trouble. So, Inner had installed one of the previous Sakuras to fill in as the beloved pink-haired kunoichi of this lifetime. Back-up Sakura had been living their life peacefully and quietly, while main Sakura had been tasked with taking down their enemies. Inner had been monitoring them both carefully, and when she saw that main Sakura had failed her part, she pulled her back to safety just in time. And now they could get back to track with no suspicion cast on them.

“ I know, genius , right? It would have been better if you succeeded in killing one of those snake bastards, but with this method we can try again as many times as we want!”

Try again ? Sakura asked, her head spinning with the implications.

“Yes, we just need to find another suitable body. Combining the mind and body transfer jutsu gives us a failsafe way to achieve our goals.”

A previous ‘her’ had been inside this body, wandering around and interacting with Naruto and her family? What did the previous ‘Sakura’ mean? Where did the line between her and otherness go? When she died again would the person she is now feel like a stranger? It was not like the idea of ‘her‘ five minutes ago was frightening. Maybe it was because that person hadn’t died. Oh kami , Inner wanted her to host dead girls in this tight skin. Their dreams and thoughts and madness inhabit the same world as her.

Dread slithered up her throat, from her stomach all the way to her mouth, and she started to breathe in a way that caused more pain than relief. She tucked herself under her blankets. Taking refuge in the darkness and heat and confinement.

Inner had fallen silent. Observing her unravel with a curious detachedness that frightens Sakura almost as much as the grand plans. When her breathing finally calmed, Inner spoke again, her voice a mixture of amusement and tenderness.

“ There is my girl: The terrified crybaby who wants to hide from the world. ”

The next day was not a good one.

Sakura spent in bed, feigning sickness when her mother stuck her head in. The act became more convincing the day after when she developed a fever and aching muscles. Unsurprisingly, the physical pain proved to be a welcome distraction from the mental anguish, and she felt disappointed when she felt better after a few days. Not that she allowed that to stop her from camping in the bed for a full week anyway. She would have stayed even longer, but eventually Naruto bullied his way into seeing her. And he was convinced ‘fresh air’ and ‘ramen’ would cure her. Clearly the other her had failed miserably at implanting medical knowledge.

“See! You look better already,” Naruto proudly proclaimed when she forced herself to finish the first proper meal in a week. He was waving his chopstick in the air, spilling sauce in the ramen stand and earning a glare from the mild mannered Teuchi-san. “Lying in bed for so long can’t be good. Especially not for you Sakura! You love running around and destroying things and reading stuff. I mean you could do the last part in bed, but your mama said you weren’t!”

She didn’t really have a good reason for that. Despite her initial protests on venturing outside, there was no denying that her head felt a little less clustered now. Naruto's company was as warm as always and when she basked in it, the world was less terrifying.   

“Say Naruto, what parameters do you use to define a person as themselves?” Sakura asked, not really expecting an answer.

Naruto tilted his head to the side, confused by the question and the change of subject. Seconds passed as he scratched his chin thinking. The sound of the marketplace, Konoha and the world itself buzzed around them.

In the end, Naruto ordered a second round of ramen to them, mumbling about unfair surprise quizzes and them not covering this subject.

“I dunno Sakura-chan. It sounds like that type of question people only pretend to have an answer for, you know? Like philos-whatsofers.”

“Philosophers?” Sakura blinked.

“Yeah them! They ask questions which, eh, make more questions instead of answers, and it makes your head hurt thinking about them and stuff, ”Naruto shook his head at the concept, “it’s kinda stupid.”

That answer made Sakura feel lighter, so she smiled and leaned her head against Naruto’s shoulder, her elbows against bumping his.

“I suppose it is.”

“I’m glad you could get that out of your system,” Inner snarked, “so we can finally move on to getting shit done.”

Indeed. Although she and Inner had some very different definitions on what needed to be done. After recovering from yet another breakdown, Sakura began intel gathering. True to Inner’s promises there was no unwanted attention following Sakura. The Chunin Exam was proceeding as scheduled. There were only three weeks left before the finals and subsequent invasion. According to the aunties filling in the Yamanaka Flowers shop, Sakura missed Shino’s funeral while being in bed. Not that she had been directly invited, but many of their previous classmates attended.

Of course, the death of a future clan head was a tragedy, but such was the way of their vocation. Shino had died an honorable death, striving to improve his strength and represent Konoha to the best of his abilities. Then it was the unfortunate fact that he had only been out of the academy for six months. Most spent at least a year preparing before taking on such a precarious task. Why, some might question the wisdom of allowing such a fledgling team to compete. But not the Yamanaka aunties. They would never insinuate that a certain sensei’s irresponsibility could be blamed.

“We all know the tragedy of Kakashi’s own team, and his reluctance to take on a new one.”

Yes, the death of one future clan head is a tragedy, but two? Especially one as vibrant and well-loved as Ino?

Not that Ino was dead but being comatose was hardly better when no one could figure out what was wrong with her. Fear and frustration soured into something venomous slipping out of dozens of Yamanaka clan members' mouths. And Kakashi was a perfect target, never once defending himself.

Sakura, reluctantly alert of the increasing disdain for Kakashi among even the civilians, found herself frequently balling her hands into fists to stop the shaking she could feel in her fingers. There was no reason to feel guilty. Yamanaka wasn’t saying anything untrue. Kakashi had been an apathetic teacher who tried to wash his hands off them (her) as soon as possible. It was unlucky that he was being targeted by a truly vicious smearing campaign for something that was technically her fault. But that was no reason for her to feel responsible. Even Inner agreed. Besides, Kakashi would be fine, he had dealt worse, right?

Sakumo Hatake, Konoha's White Fang, abandons a very crucial mission in order to save his teammates. As a result, he was vilified by the villagers of Konoha. Dishonoured, Sakumo fell into a deep depression and committed suicide at age of 30.

Many studies had shown a significant increased risks of suicide among family members of suicide victims.

“ Don’t ,” Inner cautioned.

She found him standing in front of Shino’s gravestone as twilight set. The newest addition to his cemetery round. Her former teacher looked gray and bleak enough to serve as a memorial himself. Dark eyes held captive by the past, seemingly not noticing her approaching footsteps. According to the rumors, he had not visited the comatose Ino once. Nor had he expressed his condolences to Aburame's head.

Those rumors she had no problem believing. Kakashi would prefer dealing with the dead instead of the living. In any case, Sakura had no room to judge, seeing as she was guilty of the same. It had been the deciding factor in seeking him out. Despite having bought multiple flowers for Ino, she had failed to deliver them directly to her. Partly out of guilt, but also because of fear – fear of exposing herself and fear of inflicting more pain on her best friend.   

Fear, fear, fear.

Kakashi understood that.

Just like Sasuke understood rage.

Really, the world really would have been a better place if they all could respond to trauma like Naruto. She would have to ask him to teach her his ways.

“Kakashi…san,” Sakura started awkwardly, she didn’t really have a speech prepared, “You’re Ino’s sensei, right?”

Kakashi gave her a side glance, shoulders hunching with resignation. “Yes.”

Sakura opened her mouth and closed it. A dozen hollow words crowed her mouth. Devoid of any real importance and meaning. So, she borrowed some of Ino’s instead. Bringing out a small bouquet of purple hyacinth from her pouch, Sakura asked, “Do you know what these flowers mean?”

Whatever Kakashi had been expecting, it was not this. Outwardly, he looked almost completely unaffected, but Sakura had the benefit of years studying him. Thus, she recognized the minuscule widening of his eyes hinting at surprise.

“No. I can’t say I do,” Kakashi said carefully.

Sweat slacken her grip on the flowers, and she had squeezed the stems together as she continued, “They are a symbol of sorrow and regret. Ino likes them a lot, says they are bold and stylish looking, which is why it’s a shame that she can never wear them, calls it bad luck or something.”

She thrusted the flowers towards him. He eyed them as if they were some questionable substances. Frustrated, she reached out and grabbed his hand, guiding it to holding the flowers.  The lively purple contrasted strangely with the dullness of his clothes.

“Ah, I see. You wish me bad luck?” Kakashi said, inspecting the flowers, “No one has cursed me quite so politely before.”

Wrinkling her nose in annoyance, Sakura shook her head.

“No? What a shame. I would have found the creativity somewhat charming, the little pink haired one,” Kakashi said almost teasingly.

“It's Sakura,” she corrected in horror at the nickname, and then hurried to add, “When Ino wakes up,” which she will soon, Sakura would make sure of, “she will be happy if this is in her room. And I think, despite what people are saying, that you are someone who wants to make her happy. So, take this to her.”

And just like that, the tentative mirth evaporated from his face.

“That’s generous of you,” was the distrustful reply she got, and she could hear the gears in his head spinning while trying to unravel her motives.

She decided to save him some trouble and offer it, whether he accepted it was his problem, “Not really. I know how much Ino cherishes her teammates, so this is my way of making her happy.”

There. She had done enough. If Kakashi couldn’t take the next steps by himself, well, she would not allow herself to lose more sleep over it. Satisfied, Sakura spun on her heels and started to walk away.

“Wait.”

Kakashi grabbed her shoulder lightly, she turned her head towards him, and he immediately let go. His dark eye bored into hers, lit up with recognition he should not have. The hair at the back of Sakura’s neck began rising and she deeply regretted coming at all. Maybe if she ran now she could –

“Sakura as in Ino’s Sakura? The clever friend that didn’t pass the genin exam the first time?” Kakashi mumbled something that sounded like, ‘of course’ under his breath, the mask over his face wrinkling the way it does when he smiles.  

He raised his, placing the top of her head and tousled her hair. A sudden feeling of warmth spreads through her chest, neck, and face, flushing her cheeks.

 “Thank you, Sakura-chan,” her sensei said, and for a short moment, she felt fulfilled.  

Chapter Text

A sense of contentment lulled her to sleep that night, painting her dreams with warm, hazy tints. The images conjured up by her mind were once kind and comforting. Konoha softened into something safe and delightful, like her memories of it as a child.  

Six-year-old Naruto sat as Hokage. His tiny face was swallowed by the red and white traditional hat. With a look of utmost seriousness, he tipped it up with both hands and yelled that his birthday would be the village's official Ramen Day. Shikamaru, the grown up one from her first life, was charged with carrying out the order. She, Ino, and Choji were forced into helping. The revered Teuchi-san had retired, but his two students, Tsunade and Kakashi, had taken up the mantle and were competing to be the true successor of Ichiraku Ramen Bar. Sasuke made an appearance too, demanding an official tomato holiday.

Laughter, demonic cats, and underground ramen gambling filled her dream.

Sakura woke up with a smile on her face. It stayed plastered on even after Naruto succeeded in landing a solid right hook through her defense while sparing.

“It's sort of creepy, but not in a bad way,” Naruto decided, spreading out like a starfish on the training ground. “I guess it makes me realize how gloomy you usually are. This whole goofy smile thing makes your face look kinda silly.”

She paused, her right leg raised over her head, pleasantly stretching the muscles along the backside of her thigh. No matter how hard she’d tried to impart the importance of properly stretching after exercise, Naruto favored collapsing on the spot. An unavoidable side-effect of giving 110% all the time, she supposed. It’s pretty convenient now, as it left him in a rather vulnerable position.

Her grin widened, uncaring of her bruised lips aching in protest, and said with a foreboding tone, “Silly?”

Which was all the warning Naruto got before she shifted her weight and rolled onto the ground beside him. Swiftly, her fingers dug into his stomach, the sides of his torso, underarms, and ribs. His uncontrolled snickers shining like gold. He made some attempts to push her hands away, but Sakura was determined and unwavering.

“Haha..st-oh-hah..ughaha, please, hihi-aukra!”

“Who looks silly now?”

Chortled apologies spilled out of the blond boy’s mouth as he rolled back and forth on the ground. At last, she granted him mercy, withdrawing her fingers and dipping to the side. Her shoulder pressing against his. He continued to gasp for air for a few more moments.

Rays of sunlight peeked over the forest line, cradling the training ground. Dust motes glimmer within the shafts of light stretching towards them. She watched the tiny particles wink like fireflies until her vision drifted out of focus. A peaceful hush blanketing them. It was almost like she was still dreaming. Her heart was a cluster of white, fluffy Dandelion seeds gliding in the air.

“How did you do that?” Naruto asked with a tone of wonder, breaking the silence.

“Do what? Tickle you?” Sakura responds amused, her eyes cracking open to look at him.

His cheeks were flushed red. Perhaps from laughing earlier or embarrassment?

Sheepishly, he nodded. A few seconds passed before he elaborated; “Yeah, I’ve seen others do it, of course, like the mommies with babies in the playground. But every time I tried it on myself, it didn’t work like it was supposed to. I thought maybe the others were exaggerating or... or maybe I was doing it wrong.”

The words sounded a little wistful, but his face was free of sorrow. She turned her body fully towards him - her knee digging into his stomach and her hands grasping his. Well accustomed to her random bouts of clinginess, Naruto just smiled and looked at her expectantly.

“It's not that you did it wrong per se,” Sakura started,” but rather that the somatosensory cortex, the part that processes touch, and the anterior cingulate cortex, which processes feelings, are much more stimulated when people are tickled by others than by themselves. I think unpredictability plays a part; it also helps that the brain doesn’t need to use energy to coordinate it.”

“Hehe, you always have an answer,” he said, pleased, his limbs stretching out with a soft pop and his face twisting in her direction. When he saw her expression, he frowned. “Oi, why do you look gloomy again?”

Sakura wrinkled her nose, “You are the one who started talking about sad things.”

Blue eyes widened with genuinely bafflement at the accusation, “Ehhh? Did not!”

An undignified ‘did so’ almost escaped her lips, but the lingering remnants of maturity thwarted it. Besides, the last thing she wanted was to explain why the idea of him pondering over the mechanisms of tickling made her want to cry. She switched to caging him in an embrace instead, resting most of her body on top of him.

He patted her back, “There, there. You know what? You think too much, Sakura-chan. Try focusing on happy things from now on. Like the new ramen dish Teuchi-san promised us.”

She tightened her embrace into a squeeze, ignoring his uncharitable and untrue mumbles about her weight. At once she was reminded of her dream, a smile tugging at her bruised lips, “Speaking of ramen. I had the craziest dream last night.”

Unsurprisingly, Naruto was both amused and intrigued by the Ramen celebration day.

And Sakura finally found the answer to the questions she hadn’t dared ask.

It was simple really.

Especially considering she had more or less been tip toeing around the concept for some time now. And yet, she felt wild with relief after admitting it to herself. Just think about the Ino–Shika–Cho formation, excluding Ino for Kami’s sake! Or Orochimaru not attacking Sasuke in the Chunin Exam. Naruto passed up the chance to become a genin to wait for her.

It took Kakashi patting her head—no, that was not right. Naruto and Ino got the ball rolling, Sasuke kicked it straight into her face, and Kakashi pressed an ice bag against her nose while helping her analyze it.

“You know you’re making less sense than usual,” Inner commented.

The point was that not only were the people and situations different, but her interactions and relationships with them were also different. There was no guarantee that the same obstacles and dangers would plague her. Because this was a different life.

Her life.

And the greatest threat to it was not T&I, mysterious deaths, or bloody wars far in the future. No, the cause of all her pain and misery were the memories belonging to dead people who shouldn’t have any say in her life. The inside of her head began prickling as Inner followed her line of reasoning with a growing sense of dismay.

To her credit, Inner displayed an uncharacteristically large amount of patience before switching tactics to full out assault. She apologized for suggesting they snatch another body so soon when the last round had been so traumatic. Not to mention pressuring her to defeat Orochimaru, a legendary Sannin and madman, but surely completely abandoning their quest to protect the village was unwise? Likewise, the ominous voice had been helpful in talking her down from ‘giving herself up to the authorities’ when she began spiraling into thinking the past lives had been the product of an enemy genjutsu.

The ugliness first reared its head when it became obvious Sakura was serious about ignoring the ‘plot’ of the past lives.

“To think I thought the homicidal versions of us were troublesome. At least they confronted the dangers threatening us! You, on the other hand, are barely more effective than the wheelchair one.”

Sakura asked her parents if she could stay over at Naruto’s, which they reluctantly permitted.

“If you really loved this Naruto, you'd try to protect him. He doesn’t even know the Shadow Clone Jutsu because of you. Tell me, could it be that you are actively working to get him killed? Shino wasn’t enough?”

That one hit too hard to fully ignore.

So Sakura adjusted the timing of their morning laps so they collided with Team Gai. The spandex duo welcomed them warmly. Asking them how they had been lately, Sakura had almost completely forgotten that she had befriended them in this life. The only drawback was all the Chunin Exam talk. All three members of Team Gai had advanced, so there was really no avoiding it. Even though Sakura did her best to ignore them, she still caught a lot of details.

Like the fact that Neji had crushed Choji and that he was squaring up against Hinata in the finals. The heads of the Hyuga clan had claimed they would support them both, yet Neji found himself pushed out of the compound more and more often. In contrast, Hinata was hardly allowed to leave. Poor girl. Not that Neji saw it that way; every word he spoke on the matter was full of bitterness.

Nothing like the enthusiasm and sportsmanship Lee directed towards his upcoming match against Shikamaru. Admittedly, the hard work vs. laziness aspect of that fight intrigued even Sakura. The collision of personalities was bound to have some comedic value.

“I wouldn’t place my expectations so high,” Neji interrupted one of Lee’s excited speeches about youth and fighting spirit, “considering the pitiful performance Team 10 showed. Nara only advanced because of luck. His opponent was too injured to put up a fight. Akimichi and Yamanaka were even more disgraceful.”

Tenten paused mid-way while picking up a kunai, sending Neji a truly venomous glare.

“That’s not fair of you, Neji. They were all obviously really close with that Ino girl. I mean, Shikamaru practically choked that Sasuke kid, and Choji's crying was not disgraceful. You didn’t judge Kiba when he... when that happened and his reaction.”

Inner sucked up the information greedily, while Sakura wished she could shrink into herself and escape. Tenten and Neji spoke with the type of detachment one does when talking about strangers, until the last sentence, that is. Silence yawned after it, uncomfortable and stiff. Eyes darting nervously around.

Unlike her, Naruto was not interested in letting the fate of their former classmate remain unspoken.

“What happened to Kiba?”

“I guess you still intended to bury your head in the sand ?” Inner taunted, “ Now that I think about it, you and Gaara did hit it off pretty well.”

Kiba had obviously been outmatched. The injuries he sustained in the match were just as severe as the ones Lee had received once upon a time. Gaara’s brutality was not really a surprise, but Kiba had basically been defeated. The bones of his legs shattered. He had stubbornly tried to pop himself on his elbows, yelling that it wasn’t over. Little Akamaru had crawled over to him, pressing his snout against Kiba’s check, the state of their limbs matching each other.

Perhaps the scene had filled Gaara with envy, or maybe it was just plain sadism? Tenten said his expression hadn’t really changed. As soon as the sand circled the dog, Kiba screamed his surrender. Still, Gaara had rushed to crush Akamaru, pouring the remains of blood and gore over Kiba.

And Tenten was fighting him in the finals.

Inner flooded her mind with images of death and pain. The mangled corpse of Ino, her glossy eyes pointed at her asked, ‘ why won’t you try to save me? ’ Akamaru was reduced to a smear on the floor. Kiba drowned in blood.

The pink-haired girl pressed the knuckles of her fist so harshly against her eyes that she began seeing red. Inner backed off a little after that. But only with the images.

“What can I do to make you care about saving our village? To save our friends and family?”

Just as she was contemplating getting eaten by a bear again, she ran into one of Ino’s aunties while grocery shopping. The tall, blonde woman smiled at her fondly, the corners of her eyes crinkling.

“Sakura-chan, the flowers you left for our Ino were simply exquisite. Her mother said they were her favorites. What a thoughtful little creature you are! None of us even caught you visiting her. I knew your absence from the hospital so far was out of consideration for the clan. The customs of your civilian background differ so much from ours.”

Grateful for the distraction—or excuse, really — Sakura jumped at the opportunity to track Kakashi-sensei down again. Hoping to find contentment once more. It proved to be a more difficult task this time around. The graveyard was bereft of its usual gray haired ghost. She was forced to investigate erotic bookstores, but to no avail. He was nowhere to be found.

Perhaps he was on a mission? Or training Sasuke like the first time around? The dark-haired boy hadn’t advanced to the final this time around, but it would make sense that Kakashi-sensei still wished to train him. After all, failing the Chunin Exam meant you really needed help improving.

“Our dear ‘sensei’ didn’t bother improving our skills when we failed to advance. Or after Sasuke deserted, in fact, he ignored you and the whole Team 7 idea until Naruto came back, didn’t he?”

Thankfully, Gai proved to be helpful when she turned to him. Effectively tracking his rival down in a matter of hours, merrily sending her off to him and proclaiming it was a pleasant surprise she knew him. The relief she felt when she laid her eyes on Kakashi again could not be overstated. Here was someone just as allergic to confronting reality as her. It took all her restraint not to throw herself at him. The fact that he was sprawled out on a tree branch, lazily holding the newest Icha Icha novel, helped dampen the urge.

“Liar! Deceiver! Pervert!” Sakura pointed an accusing finger at him.

Kakashi squinted his single eye at her. “Sakura-chan,” he said, speaking her name with a hint of surprise, as if he didn’t expect to use it again so soon. “All men are liars and perverts, except Gai and other oddities, but you are a little young to know that.”

Honestly, the shit that comes out of that man’s mouth. Luckily, Sakura was well versed in overlooking it. Placing her hands on her hips, she did her best to insert as much sternness as possible into her next words. “The flowers. One of the Yamanakas thanked me for them.”

Kakashi had the gall to look amused. Tilting his book to the side and raising an eyebrow, the condescending ‘ so? ’ was strongly implied.

Frowning, Sakura continued, “They were supposed to be from you.”

“Actually, you just asked me to take them to her. Besides, you were the one who picked them out and paid the bill, so it would be dishonest of me to take credit for them.”

Inner scoffed. Yet another scathing remark began building up, and Sakura was just so tired of enduring them. Her bottom lip began trembling, and the corners of her eyes heated up. No tears fell, but the distress was practically radiating out of her. It was enough to make Kakashi raise his alarm.

“I-I, was trying to help you,” her voice cracked, “I was trying to help, and, and...”

All she had to show for it was a sadistic voice tormenting her. She had hoped seeing Kakashi would cheer her up. That she could regain the feeling their last conversation gave her. She had counted on it while looking for him, but her head was just as clustered in his presence.

Her breathing turned uneven, and a wave of hiccups shook her shoulders. Calm down , Inner/herself whispered, calm down .

Kakashi jumped down from the tree, his hands hovering in uncertainty over her head and then shoulders before settling on raking through his own hair.  

“Don’t cry,” he pleaded, and when that didn’t work, “I know something that will cheer you up.”

An hour later found Sakura’s face buried in soft fur and covered in slobber. Kakashi’s ninken had initially been skeptical when their master summoned them to comfort a crying girl they didn’t know. However, Sakura won them over quickly with her sincere fawning over their adorableness. After a half hour of playing, followed by petting, scratches, and lots of tummy rubs, she was happily buried in a pile of fluff. Akamaru’s brutal demise seemed unreal when she was surrounded by living, breathing dogs. This hadn’t been what she had in mind, or maybe she had been subconsciously hoping for it. A perfect escape from the gloominess..

Smiling constantly, Sakura’s eyes sought out the man watching over her patiently.

“You were right, this did cheer me up,” she said, his shoulder slumped slightly in relief, “can I come see them again?”

Despite her attempts to ignore, distract, and run away, the situation with Inner was bound to blow up in her face. She had just showered off the smell of dog from her skin and tucked herself in bed when Inner unloaded all her frustrations. No sly digs. No manipulations or bribery attempts. Just unadulterated rage.

“Unbelievable ,” Inner spat, figuratively pacing back and forth inside Sakura’s head, “ Un-fucking-believable.”

Sakura pressed her pillows against her ears. Not that she expected it to help.

“Are you proud of yourself? Acting like a pathetic, overly emotional child, incapable of getting anything done!”

Don’t engage. Don’t engage. Don’t engage.

“Yes, ‘don’t engage’, not anything new there. You always liked sidelining yourself.”

… Don’t engage. Don’t. Engage.

“There is a word for such behavior, one you’re all too familiar with; want to guess what it is?”

I won’t engage. I. Won’t. Engage.

“Useless. Utterly useless. No wonder you were always left behind.”

Sakura’s head snapped up. That’s rich coming from you , she snarled right back.

“Oh, she talks.”

And you never shut up. Oh , Kami, how I wish you would shut up. I'm so sick of listening to you !

“You’re sick of listening to me? I fought a war and watched everyone I loved die. Then I got my head chopped off and woke up in hellscape land without sun. Forever forced to watch versions of myself muck up every chance they get, incapable of learning or accomplishing anything. Like stupid children.”

Maybe we are; maybe I am. Ever thought of that? Sakura yelled, rolling onto her back and glaring at the ceiling.

“What, stupid?”

No. A child. And you, a demented virus, are crossing barriers you shouldn’t? That you started a process of forcing memories onto others you had nothing to do with? Memories of lives I haven’t lived, and maybe I’m handling it badly because I'm a twelve-year-old girl not mentally equipped to remember what dying multiple times feels like ?

Stunned silence followed her outburst, and she allowed it to pull her into sleep, exhausted by yet another day jam-packed with mental battles.

The next morning found her in a truly foul mood. A pounding headache matched each punch and kick she threw at the makeshift punching bag. Behind her, Tenten and Naruto were engaged in a discussion about seals. Naruto had been really upset about what happened in Kiba’s match. Therefore, he became rather invested in Tenten's upcoming fight with the villainous Gaara of the Sand. Somehow this evolved into a fascination with Tenten’s fighting style, not so much the weapons themselves, but the idea of storing ammunition to use against opponents.

The older girl explained that she had learned how to make basic exploration tags since buying new ones every time would be too expensive. Afterwards, she went into the mechanism of what her not-master-level storage scrolls could hold. Just as she finished dismissing anything liquid based, apparently it would disperse because of some factor none of them understood, Naruto snapped his fingers.

“What if the liquid was stored in something?” he asked.

Tenten crossed her arms, “I don’t know, never tried it, what are you thinking?”

An impressively fox-like grin stretched across his face, and he leaned towards the up-and-coming weapon master.

“Balloons. Balloons filled with paint. Bust them above him, and his sand-thingy will shield him, getting really covered with the stuff. Throw a kunai with an explosion tag at it, and,” Naruto clapped his hands, ”Bam! Bam! Bam!”

That's… kind of terrifying. When did Naruto begin to plot such elaborate death traps?

Tenten was crackling with joy, clasping Naruto’s face in her hands and proclaiming him a genius. Even Neji looked impressed.

Meanwhile, Sakura felt a slight tingling in her head. Inner’s presence hesitantly making itself known. Uneasy, Sakura steeled herself for more torment, but the words Inner uttered were not aggressive.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said. There is much we don’t know about the situation we found ourselves in. Giving you time and not actively working to destabilize you might be wise.”

Uh-uh . So, it was a misunderstanding that was the problem this time as well.

“I can understand you being skeptical, but I’d like to make a peace offer; I'll release Ino. No string attached. Right now, if it pleases you.”

Chapter Text

The sound of explosions, laughter, and running buzzed in the background. Her friends were bathed in shades of angry gold, their lines distorting until orange, green, and black bled together. The scene was like a mirage, slipping further and further into the horizon.

Sakura felt faint and dizzy, her voice shaky as she repeated, “You'll release Ino?” 

Inner hushed her, “ Not out loud, but yes, you can have her back if you like.“

For a brief moment, Sakura felt a euphoric sense of relief and delight. Ino whole, healthy, and by her side again. Did there exist a more enticing notion? It was almost too good to believe.

Truly.

Abruptly, the joy began to rot. It was too good to believe . Inner couldn’t possibly be serious. More importantly, she couldn’t possibly be trusted. This had to be a trick. 

And just like that, the fleeting current of hope was quickly overtaken by a riptide of despair. The whiplash alone was enough to make Sakura’s knees buckle. Crouching down, she began picking up the scattered rocks around her. Uneven, sharp little objects crumbling to dust in her hands. Again, and again until the flesh beneath the calluses of her palms was dug out. Blood mingling with dirt.

This is low even for you , she thought, with fury.

“ It’s just an offer ,” Inner said, as if Sakura was the one being unreasonable, “ You made up your mind to live this life as your own, right? That you don’t want my help? Then I hardly see the point of keeping hold of Ino.”

Then go ahead. Release her if you’re feeling so magnanimous .

“ We’ll need to be in close contact with her -“

Ha! How convenient . I can’t possibly see how you might screw me over again.

Inner sighed, “ It’s not like I snatched her mind from across a rooftop last time, why would releasing her be any different? Wait, why am I even bothering to argue? If you don’t want it, then fine.”

With a growl of rage, Sakura snapped, “Don’t you dare,” distantly, she heard voices calling out her name, and managed to redirect the rest of her outrage inwardly. The words swirl so rapidly that they become interchangeable and incomprehensible.

(deceiver,trick,monster,distrustkidnappershutupnotrealIdontbelive)

Inner was unfazed by the boiling resentment, and continued with the same faux reasonable tone, “Calm down. We can continue this another time. Or not, as I’ve previously stated, if you’re not interested then we can drop it entirely,” Inner paused, maximizing the impact of her next words, “ Just say it: Say you don’t want Ino back .”

Naruto reached Sakura before she could construct a fittingly scathing reply. Perhaps it was for the best. She could feel her blood pressure skyrocketing. The rage was so potent it demanded action. Her body was quivering when Naruto offered her a hand and pulled her up. He frowned when he noticed the red pooling in between their hands.

A pang of regret hit her as he began to fuss over her.

“We must get this disinfected! How come you always get hurt when you’re by yourself?” Naruto said, gently turning her hands around to assess the damage, “At least it doesn’t look that bad this time. Still kinda dumb of you Sakura-chan. Hmm, maybe I can fix it.” 

A spike of warm, healing chakra washed over her hands. The wounds closed slowly and unevenly. Hints of demonic energy frizzled the edges, leaving tiny and pale branch-like scars. Naruto’s face sported a proud, toothy smile. She tried to return it, but the knot in her stomach twisted everything inwards.

Before Naruto had the chance to comment on her sour grimace, she said, “How about a race around the village?”

Luckily, Lee and Gai hardly needed to be asked twice, in fact, they didn’t even need to be asked directly, both enthusiastically jogging to where Sakura and Naruto stood. Gai particularly praised the youthfulness of her idea.

So, she ran herself ragged, lungs burning and muscles aching. 

Later, as evening brewed, Gai treated them to fresh Okonomiyaki. The members of his team and Naruto joked and teased each other good-naturedly. Half-listening, Sakura chimed in with a few comments here and there, pretending to present. It didn’t take long before the urge to extract herself from their cozy little gang began to overwhelm her.

I need to leave, she thought, and the chattering around her fizzled out almost immediately.

“Leave where?” Naruto asked innocently, food half-chewed in his mouth, causing Neji to wrinkle his nose in distaste. 

Startled, Sakura dumbly said, "Er-well, I-I," five pairs of eyes blinked owlishly at her, clearing her throat, she continued, “I mean, there is this project - yes! The project, I need to work on the project, so I’ll be very busy the next few days, and that's why I need to leave, but I wish you good luck on the rest of your training!”

Silence. 

And then -

“How youthful! I hope the project does not keep you from attending the Chunin Exam,” Gai said.

“Yeah, I expect to see you in the crowd cheering us on!” Tenten grinned, her eyes slightly darkening as she continued, “You don’t want to miss my fight.”

“Or mine!” Lee pipped in.

Neji made some cynical comment about fate and luck which Sakura tuned out, and Naruto looked at her like an abandoned puppy.

“I’ll show you when it’s done,” she said when he grumbled about wanting to be included, “Meanwhile, Tenten would probably appreciate help on those seal traps thingy. Not to mention Lee needs his sparring partner. We’ll see each other on the exam day.”

“Promise?”

“Yes. I promise,” she said absentmindedly, itching to escape – the conversation, the situation, and most of all, herself, “I promise.”

Alone with her thoughts, windows sealed, and door shut, say you don’t want Ino back echoed in her brain.

Liar.

Betrayer.

Logically, she recognized the manipulations for what it was. It wasn’t even the first time Inner had insinuated similar things. Still, the effect was devastating, aided as it was with the reignited hope that Ino could be saved. Now that a somewhat realistic scenario with no impossible stipulations attached, completely discarding it felt like a betrayal.

Sakura would’ve jumped on Inner’s offer if only there was a way to confirm it wasn’t a trick. If only there was a way to confirm it wouldn’t make things worse. If only.

Unbiddenly, thoughts of Naruto's hypothetical reaction flooded her mind. The way his face would twist with disappointment. And it made her feel unbearably ugly, ugly, ugly . She was certain he would judge this inaction more harshly than any other crime she had committed in the past. (“ You won’t even try to save Ino?” ). Mistakes and misdeeds were one thing, but this – this would be a fault in her character.

Cowardness.

Well, bravery didn’t do Naruto much good in the end, did it now?

Horrible, horrible thought. Why did it have to be hers? She wished Inner had spoken it. But no, Inner was quiet when Sakura needed her to speak and loud when she needed her to shut up. Such was her way. Madding. Such was their way, Sakura supposed. Mad . Inner or no Inner, Sakura’s mind was a serpent biting its own tail, self-cannibalizing to hold off the starvation a little longer. 

She told Kakashi that much when the restlessness became too much, and her feet voyaged the vein-like trails of the graveyard. At this point, she had been holed up in her room for hours, maybe days, and the only thing she had gained from it was scratch marks carved into the back of her skull.

(Her scars overlapped with each other – layers upon layers of thick fibrous tissue, mapping out madness and misery.)

“That’s a very odd way to start a conversation, Sakura-chan,” Kakashi said, the headstones around him bleached like bones in the dim, cloudy light.

She gave a nonchalant shrug, a complete antithesis to the pandemonium inside her, “Spending most of your time in graveyards is odder.”

“Not really, there are plenty of cemetery workers and such,” he mused, as if it was a perfectly logical explanation for why he was there, “but who talks about minds self-cannibalizing?“

Girls with half-eaten brains, obviously. She shrugged again. A few beats passed as he regarded her warily. Eventually, he reached some sort of conclusion, and his spine straightened ever so slightly. Turning on his heels, he began walking away. A hand was lazily raised, signaling her to follow. The abruptness left her startled, and it took her a few seconds to recover.  And then she was off, hurrying to catch up with his long strides.

Frowning, she said, “That was rude.”

“No. That was me quickly assessing the situation,” Kakashi said, the telltale crease on his mask let her know he was smiling.

“Please elaborate,” Sakura said and impulsively reached down to tug at his sleeve, the fabric warm and comfortable, and she felt grounded gripping it.

Kakashi glanced down at her hand as perplexed as she had ever seen him. She feared he would shake her off, but then he looked away and continued as nothing.

“You were making that face again,” he indicated with his free hand, the words partly accusatory, “and the pack doesn’t like graveyards. Just like I don’t like crying. Changing location quickly seemed like the sensible choice.”

Leaving behind the cemetery, they entered a busy market street, a burst of aroma hitting her nostrils. Most of the food stalls were closed, but a handful of citizens were crowding the various bars. Several glances were thrown in Sakura and Kakashi’s way. Suddenly anxious, Sakura pressed her face against Kakashi’s arm, hiding from the world. The older man shifted their course towards a quieter area.

“I find it very telling that asking me what is wrong and talking about it isn't an option,” Sakura mumbled as they entered an alley. She felt the muscles of his upper arm tense in response.

His voice was neutral when he asked, “You want to talk about it?”

She shook her head hesitantly, knowing she shouldn't complicate this further; Kami knows what kind of conclusion Kakashi was drawing from her frankly unstable behavior so far. Yet the words rushed out without her permission anyway.

“Do you really think those who abandon their friends are worse than scum? Like always? Even when the risks arguably outweigh the chances of saving them?” She inwardly cringed and hoped Kakashi had given Ino’s team the same speech, and tried to somewhat salvage the situation, “No, that came out wrong. What I mean is, should one try to do something even if it’s almost completely doomed to fail, and failing means catastrophic results?”

Kakashi stopped midtrack, and Sakura strategically looked elsewhere. Gently, he peered her off him and warm hands gripped her shoulders. Kakashi bent his head trying to catch her eyes. He seemed to be trying to determine what was going on in her head.

Yeah, good luck with that. There was a whole circus in there. And she was currently short one clown seeing as Inner was on a break yet again. 

“Look, I’m not...the best person to discuss feelings with,” Kakashi said, “Your best friend is in a coma, a former classmate has died, and you seem to have an inclination towards odd reactions.”

They shared a small smile at that.

But Kakashi’s face quickly grew serious again, “As much as I would prefer dumping you over to my pack, the fact is, that yes, I do believe we owe our friends to try. Always. Even if we don’t have a lot of faith in the endeavor. I’ll listen if you want to talk.”

His words elicited an uncomfortable acceleration in her chest, spreading to the tips of her fingers and through her skin like poison. Just like Naruto, she knew exactly what Kakashi would think of her if she shared what was on her mind. She balled her dress in her fists, feeling taut and shaky, tongue heavy with words she couldn’t share.

It made her angry and sad and spiteful.

“I think,” Sakura said after a long round of contemplation, “I think I like to pet the ninkens.”

Kakashi accepted readily enough, guiding them out of the alley and towards a park. He took his time summoning the dogs though, watching her from the corner of his eyes with something far too close to suspicion for her liking.

Impatient, Sakura found herself half-balanced on her toes and biting her lower lip. Her mind was still spinning uncomfortably. If she didn’t know any better, she would have thought Kakashi was waiting for the silence to break her resolve and propel her to spill her heart out. It would certainly be an inconvenient time for the man to insist on communication and sharing one’s burdens.

Just as she was about to complain or flee or something, Kakashi snapped his fingers.

“You know, it’s rather bothersome to act as your dog summoner.”

Sakura’s eyebrows rose in incredulity, “You’re the one who offered.”

“I suppose I did,” Kakashi agreed, placing a hand on his chin, “but now that I see how great your need is, I feel compelled to offer more; a contract of your own. I do believe you’d benefit from having such a companion.”

It took her a few seconds to fully register his words and even longer to respond. “I-I wouldn’t know how to, I mean, I thought, aren’t the ninkens pretty picky when it comes to contactors?”

The Inuzuka Clan, who are given their own canine partner when they reach a certain age, had more or less a monopoly on the market, so to speak. Few outside shinobis were granted contacts. Not to mention, unlike most summons, the ninken required more training and prior experience.

Kakashi petted her head, “They have taken a liking to you, more than they expected to. And the Hatake clan have a longstanding deal. Once the Chunin Exam is over, I can help you get started.”

“You do that?” Sakura said unsure, the unspoken for me and why ricocheted between them. In response, his face softened, and there was such unexpected tenderness there that Sakura had to look away. Awkwardly, she mumbled, “I didn't take you for the type that actively looks for pupils to impart your teachings to. Don’t you have better things to do? No offense.”

“None taken,” Kakashi raised an eyebrow, “Let’s say it’s in the spirit of trying , “ he patted her head affectionately, “and besides, I have a feeling we’ll be spending much time together in the future anyway, Sakura-chan.”

At nightfall, safely tucked inside her bed. Sakura allowed herself to think about the implications of Kakashi’s words. The ninkens had been happy enough to see her, yet they were just as caught off guard when Kakashu suggested arranging a companion for her.

“You want to share the Hatake contact?” Pakku had said, “with her?” 

Kakashi did.

And they would be spending more time together in the future - the future in which he, presumably, once again would be her teacher. The idea made her toes curl and her heart race. Tossing and turning in bed, Sakura fantasized. Images flickering wildly until they morphed into a team 7 reunion. So different from how she had once imagined, yet, in some ways better. Kakashi thought she was someone worth teaching, Naruto relied on her, and Sasuke, well, she hadn’t really thought much about Sauske.

But he would be there too, right? Kakashi hasn't mentioned him once so far. Nor had she asked.

How was the boy doing? The second part of the Chunin Exam had been filled with many unexpected twists, most of them her fault, and Sasuke had been left to deal with the fallout. She hadn’t spared much thought to how he had been affected. But now that team 7 and reunions were relevant once again, not thinking about Sasuke felt impossible. The word reunion felt so inherently tied to seeking Sasuke out, that Sakura almost felt compelled to break into an Otogakure hideout immediately. 

Leave it, she thought to herself, nothing good could come out of it .

And yet the next day found her lurking just outside Sasuke’s apartment complex.

A certain blond girl had invaded her dreams, wearing a crown of red spider lily and a serene smile. There you go again, tossing me away , she had said, why do I always mean so little to you? Sakura had woken up, limps tangled in sticky bedsheets, and chest heaving.

The guilt had been so suffocating that Sakura had tried to puncture her lungs with a kunai, though her hands had been far too shaky to deliver any precision or force.

Needless to say - any distraction after that was heartily welcome.

To her surprise, her search for Sasuke proved more intriguing than expected. The boy made no appearance, not entering, or leaving the apartment complex. By the time night began, hesitation felt like a foreign concept. So, she broke in. A bit of an anticlimactic endeavor, really, as she was quick to discover Sasuke nowhere to be found there.

Disappointed, she proceeded to pry about, opening drawers, and scanning the scrolls laying around. It was messy here. And dirty. Just as she was scrunching her nose at the thick layers of dust on the walls and lack of food in the fridge, she realized, no one has been living here for some time .

Sakura blinked owlishly, scanning her surroundings once more. There was a vacant sort of air here, and that combined with Sasuke being absent all day, strengthened the suspicion. Except it didn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t Sasuke be at his apartment?

Her heart began beating wildly as several explanations popped up in her head. The first being, what if he had run off with Orochimaru already? She quickly discarded it though. Then she began worrying about Danzo, the Yamanaka and Aburame clan.

One teammate dead and another comatose can’t possibly have made Sasuke popular among the high-ups. Not to mention the boy never had much protection after the death – the murder of his clan. Heck, he had fallen victim to many suspicious characters, herself included. 

As the worry began to mount, a small part of her once again suggested letting the matter rest. Her track record with Sasuke was disastrous and this whole trip was ill-advised. Nevertheless, it’s not like she could turn around now. That would be counterproductive to her state of mind, adding even more uncertain fates for her to contemplate.

Okay, Sasuke, where the hell are you?

It was so late that the hours bordered on early when Sakura decided to check out the Uchiha compound. The buildings there looked dirty and in disarray. Outdated signs suspended on stores long closed. Overgrown vines and moss plummeting everything. Dark spots in the ground where spilled blood hadn’t quite faded away.

In contrast, the main house of the place looked significantly less ghost-like. A couple of the windows were open, wet laundry hung in a line outside and the training dummies had a distinct fresh burnt quality to it. After circling the place a couple of times, Sakura slipped inside. She searched every room for traces of Sasuke. One of the bedrooms had its shelves torn down, clothes scattered on the floor and kunai scratches on the wall. She quickly moved on. Finally, she reached what had to be the main bedroom. The place where Sasuke’s parents had resided.

Cautiously, she opened the door. Hollowness chewing at her insides when she spotted Sasuke atop the futon, clothes way too big for him cushioning his head.  He reminded Sakura of a feral cat, with his messy hair and his skinny, lanky form that seems to curl in on itself.

He looks so small and fragile.

Memories of hospital beds, injuries, and a pillow forced over a struggling body came to mind. Never again , she had thought that time, banning Sasuke from her heart…and from life in general.

And yet here they were.

Silently, she sat down beside the futon, watching the minuscule twitches on his face until her legs fell asleep. His eyes were ringed in shadow, the color of bone-deep exhaustion despite seemingly sleeping peacefully. It pleased her for some reason.

She wondered if Sasuke also fantasized about a future with Team 7. If he considered leaving the idea of revenge behind, the debt to his clan, and just be happy with them. Surely, he must have doubted his ability to exact revenge against such a formidable foe as Itachi?

Did such thoughts fill him with guilt? Did it make him want to gorge his own eyes out and chew on the squishy, slimy flesh? Did the word ‘ useless, useless, useless ’ ring in his ears as well?

Perhaps not. Sakura was the one who favored passivity and daydreams. This terrible boy had a penchant for action. Madness externalized in red. A soul is a small price to pay for victory.

Her laugh sounded like a snarl as she pressed her knuckles against the bridge of her nose. The realization that Sasuke’s reaction to her dilemma would echo the rest of team 7 was far too amusing. It would seem all roads lead to hell.

A sudden whim caused her to stand up and look for paper. Recklessness and urge to see more people burn drove her to write, ‘ You know, your brother didn’t murder your clan all by himself– M’ , and placed it beside Sasuke’s pillow.

“ Made up your mind finally?” Inner asked as Sakura made her way towards the hospital.

She sounded pleased as could be, which was not the most reassuring start. Good thing Sakura wasn’t in need of reassurance right now. No, what she needed was clarity.

There is something I want to ask you first.

“Oh?”

Releasing Ino, no strings attached, if it can be believed, falls just short of being something a decent person would do. But you know this, you’re me, so there is no way you don’t see how messed up what you’re doing.

“I’m you now? I thought I was a demented virus crossing barriers I shouldn’t.”

Sakura ignored the dig. In hindsight, such antagonizing words, while satisfying, might not have been the wisest course of action. Not that Sakura was the one who started the name calling and insults, but she was getting sidetracked.

I think the best step forward would be throwing some transparency into the mix . If you are serious about making amends, like how did you capture Ino in the first place? How will this whole releasing process work? Will I lose consciousness like last time?

If so, Sakura would have to time the visit carefully, lest she get caught in a compromising position.

It took Inner some time to answer, the lull in their conversation allowing the layers of sounds to filter in from around them, from birds chirping about, to the rowdiness of the few drunk still wandering about.  Dawn crept over the horizon, sending flames of light over the hospital building that just came into view.

A new day was starting soon, perhaps it would be best to return when the night did.

“No,” Inner suddenly protested, “ today is the Chunin Exam finals.”

Sakura blinked. Already? It felt like just yesterday she wished team Gai good luck. Had truly so much time passed between being holed up in her room and stalking Sasuke?

“ The passing out bit shouldn’t be a problem, I think,” Inner said hesitantly, and with a small laughter, she said, “ You know, I was starting to lose hope you would show any interested in the other side,” she became animated, words spilling out so quick they were hard to catch, “ this place I and the other versions of us go is like an island, except we are surrounded by emptiness instead of a sea. At the center of this place there is this shallow lake, dead Sakura sprawl from it –“

This wasn't exactly what I was asking about.

“I’m getting there, so impatient, anyway it turns out when the Yamanaka tries the mind jutsu on us, they interact with that lake and it triggers some sort of defense system, which is painful for all parties involved, and they get ejected quite quickly, “Inner paused, her next word more hesitantly, “You know, believe it or not, there was no way of knowing what capturing Ino would entailed before we tried it, and once I saw it gave me a chance to interact with the world directly, well, turning back would be counterproductive, wouldn’t it?”

The small influx of information felt wrong, something deep inside her shuddering just listening to the descriptions. Wrong, wrong, wrong . She wanted to shut her ears. The place waiting for her when she died sounded dreadful. It pained her to know Ino had been exposed to it, and she barely dared to ask her next question, capturing her how?

Images of dead versions of her dragging Ino into the water, her friend struggling not to drown, filled her stomach with a sickly churn of anxiety.

“Nothing that gruesome,” Inner reassured her, “it’s more like their chakra just lingered beneath the surface, a shiny and pretty thing, Ino that is, and all we did was pull it up. The part of the chakra that reached the surface sort of shriveled, and is floating like spilled oil, but the part below is still intact like a rope, lighting the way out.”

The way out ?  Sakura repeated all stumped, like an escape route?  

The hospital was made of narrow hallways, identical doors and buzzing fluorescent lights leaching color from the air. Visitors weren’t really allowed after a certain point, but the security was the definition of lax, at least until Tsunade-sama took the reign of Konoha. Sakura easily bypassed curious eyes by entering through a window. Locating which room Ino was in proved more challenging, but in the end, she narrowed down the likely locations and snatched a patient list from the nurse’s break room.

“It’s not that simple. I told you it was a shallow lake, right? That’s how it appeared for me, the ones who died after me found it more engulfing, but in the end, only our newest addition managed to swim all the way down and out. Anyway, you never reacted much whenever she tried to reenact that success, so I assume leaving this place causes less pain than entering.”

Wait. What.

Sakura froze just outside Ino’s room, her hand suspended above the doorknob. The sound of footsteps approaching in the hallway spurned her into entering the room. And once she was in, it was difficult to focus on Inner’s previous words.

For at the center of the room, surrounded by carefully arranged assortment of flowers and well-wishes, in a too large-bed, laid Ino. The blonde looked tiny as a doll, pale with protruding bones, and her once beautiful hair dull.

Sakura felt her insides tighten into a knot. A feeling too horrible to name overwhelming her. Crawling into the bed with the blonde, Sakura’s hands hovered uncertainty over the vacant body. Here and here and here , she thought, tracing the scars she had carved into that skin.

Their skin.

What a strange thought. A little while ago, Sakura had worn this flesh, and right now she detained its soul. The line separating her from her friend muddled. Her fingers brushed Ino’s forehead, cheek, and fragile hair strands. Frowning slightly at the hint of sand she spotted around the pillow. Her eyes scanned the room for suspicious and bloodthirsty redheads but found it mercifully empty.

Despite the urge to free Ino burning brighter than ever, Sakura managed to make herself ask Inner one last question.

Inner, you said capturing Ino allowed you to interact with the world, what happens when she is free? I mean, will we still be able to talk? 

“ There is no way to tell for sure ,” Inner said, “ this whole afterlife and rebirth circle is a mystery. I believe experimentation is the best way to reach the truth. Now we can explore the effect this hellish place has on a living person. The results might pave the way for new possibilities.”

Something about Inner's words irked her, urging her to flee, a strange foreboding that something would go horribly wrong. But Ino’s chest was barely rising beside her, and there was no force in the world that could make Sakura turn her back on her now.

Okay, Inner, we are in close contact with her, let’s do this.

Turns out, Inner was right. It wasn’t painful, but rather surreal. Perhaps it was because Inner had explained the mechanism to her, or maybe it was her imagination conjuring up images, but Sakura could swear she saw the shiny threads of chakra being pulled through the water. The direction was unclear. Up and down didn’t have the same definiteness in there. Everything was constantly shifting yet utterly unchangeable.

Such was the nature of the infinite.

Sakura had described it once before, hadn’t she?  A snake biting its own tail – an Ouroboros.

Her vision began to focus a few seconds before Ino stirred, zooming in on the red returning to the blonde’s cheek. Soft rays of the morning sun peeked between the blinds in the window and the dust motes danced in the light. Dimly, Sakura became aware of the quickening of her own pulse and the clamminess in her palms.

The anticipation accumulated at high speed. Every minuscule twitch in Ino’s face was momentous. Sakura craned her neck trying to catch any hints that might confirm the person awaking truly was her friend.

It felt like an eternity passed before her eyes finally fluttered open. The young girl blinked rapidly, as if trying to dispel the sleepiness. And then she glanced around, frowning at the unassuming gray wall around them, before settling on Sakura. Only then does the taut line of her brow slacken.

“B..billboard brow?”Ino’s voice was so weak it barely produced a whisper.

Relief and awe filled every fiber of Sakura’s being. There was no doubt in her mind now. This was really Ino. Homed in as Sakura was, there was no mistaking the particular way her eyes squinted in confusion, or the cadence in her voice, or the love that surged in Sakura's veins as a response.

It's been so long since she's felt so light and free that her ribcage struggled to contain the wild beating of her heart.

Laughing heartily, Sakura shifted closer and placed a hand on Ino’s cheek, “Yeah, Ino-pig, it's me.”

Overwhelmed as she was with joyfulness, Sakura almost missed the gradual shift in Ino’s expression. Blue eyes widening and muscles tensing.  The reaction was so bewildering that Sakura didn’t even react when Ino yanked her head away from Sakura’s hand.

“Get..away..from me,” Ino’s voice cracked in a slightly higher volume, tucking herself as far away as her body allowed-

Battling the distorting feeling of having the rug pulled from under her, Sakura opened and closed her mouth a couple of times.

This was unexpected, but that was okay. It was natural that Ino felt a little skeptical after all that happened. Sakura just needed to explain to Ino why this reaction was unnecessary. Then they could go back to celebrating.

Again, she placed her hand on Ino’s cheek, gently hushing her when the girl whimpered in protest.

“Look, Ino, I know things have been weird, but you don’t need to be afraid anymore! I saved you, and, Ino, look at me, hush, dear don’t cry. I won’t let anyone hurt you again,” Sakura promised, rubbing her tears away with her thumb.

But Ino was far from calm, her body began to tremble, and she repeated, “Get away from me!”

Patiently, Sakura hushed her again, “It’s okay, it’s just me, your best fr-“

“I SAID GET AWAY,” Ino’s voice gained a sudden gusto, and Sakura was regretfully forced to put a hand over her mouth, lest their little misunderstanding summoned the nurses.

This caused Ino to be even more distressed. Her weakened body struggled against Sakura’s grip. The fear and revulsion in her eyes begin to tear on Sakura’s hard-fought calm. No matter how many placations Sakura whispered, the other girl refused to settle. At one point, she succeeded in biting Sakura’s hand, drawing blood.

“Ino please, I love you,” Sakura pleaded.

“You’re not right !” Ino half-snarled, half-hiccupped, “, is there anyone here? Please, anyone, help me!”

It was too much. The rising crescendo of fear and desperation. Sakura shuddered, feeling hurt and lost. Everything felt like a storm in her mind, in her chest. Her palm itches around Ino’s neck, tingles running circuits around her wrist. A thought occurred to her then, like a ripple stretching outward on a still lake.

If I leave her, she will send her father after me.

Not right, Ino had called her. Condemnation casually thrown in her face. The hatred in those blue eyes spelling her doom. Without conscious input, her hands tightened around Ino’s slender neck. Not hard enough to harm, not yet, but her body was eager to eliminate the threat.

It was the logical conclusion. Ino was forcing her hand on the matter. Self-preservation demanded nothing less. The life Sakura had built was on the line. She had been willing to risk it for Ino, because that was how much she loved the girl. But look how that love was repaid! Atrocious really. Making Sakura do this. There was no other way. If she wanted to see Naruto, Kakashi, and team Gai again, she must. She promised Naruto they would see each other at the finals. So, she must do this.

Mind made up; Sakura began sending a spike of chakra to her hand.

Ino caught on to her intention quickly and began struggling harder. Even her tears intensified, moving in a strange manner as if they were falling from above her.

Oh . It’s because they are.

They were Sakura’s tears.

I’m crying , she thought, I’m crying because I’m killing my best friend.

And just like that, the hatred and fear in Ino’s eyes paled in comparison to Sakura’s own. Releasing her grip, Sakura fled through the window.

Chapter Text

Cold breeze nibbled on her skin as she wandered aimlessly down the streets. The dried-out tears on her cheeks itched and stinged. Images of a scalpel tracing those streaks began taking form in her mind. With the way her hands were trembling, the cuts would be uneven, eyes and nose gashed unnecessarily. Putrefied flesh and thick greenish puss spilling out. Foul, sulfur-like odor poured into her nostrils until the taste of it clogged her throat.

Time passed as she lingered in the fantasy. When she finally resurfaced, the citizens of her village overflowed the streets. A maze of blurry silhouettes slowly whirlpooling towards somewhere. Her eyes silted, straining to make out their faces, flinching every time she spotted something bright. It didn't take long before the dissonant noise, shared breaths and press of bodies drove her into the alleys. Cutting through the tight passages, where clothing hung over banisters and plants wilted miserably in pots, Sakura’s feet eventually led her home.

The house was silent. Her parents were absent. And a plate of what smelled like steamed rice and eggs had been put aside for her on the table. She almost walked past it, but then reconsidered. Ripping off the aluminum foil, she began chewing with haste. No seconds wasted on savoring the taste.

“ Discarding the disturbing, but not so uncommon thoughts of self-harm , you seem to be taking this rather calmly, ” Inner said, “ which usually isn’t a good sign…are you disassociating again? ”

The voice sounded concerned, Sakura noted, yet the feigned benevolence was undercut by the unmistakable hint of interest. Like a canine snapping to attention at the smell of blood. Eyes gleaming eerily in the darkness.

Sakura wrapped her teeth around the last piece of her meal. Her stomach lurching and gurgling as she swallowed. The newly acquired sustenance attempting to crawl out. If only she could be vomited too. Spilled to the outside in a permanent fashion. At this point, it would be an exhalation.

To distract herself, or perhaps to further explore those thoughts, she raised her hands, fingers quivering as they closed around her throat. Thumbs palpating the pulse. It fluttered like a bird beating its wings under the strangling bindings of skin and flesh. Growing more and more fanatic as Sakura increased the pressure.

1, 2, 3, 4.

How long had she held on to…? How hard?

20, 31, 37, 42.

Her head began to lighten. Dark dots dancing in front of her eyes. The edges of her surroundings soften.

63, 69, 73, 89.

It hadn’t lasted this long, had it? The memory was a blur. Events existing in the endless space between one blink and another. Like dreams. Like numbness submerging her toes and fingers, muscles slacking, and the world darkening.

97, 98, 99, 100.

Releasing her grip, she gasped. Air roared down her throat like fire. Her head hammered, her wrists ached, but her mind was still. For a little while at least.

“ Um, ” Inner said, “ Sakura?”

Sinking to the floor, cold wood pressing against her knees, she reassured Inner, I’m not.

“ You’re not what?”

I’m not disassociating. I’m fully present. I’m just…processing.

The silence that followed conveyed an impressive amount of skepticism. Sakura could feel it slither inside her head. Carefully assessing the damage. Not flinching as the content of Sakura’s thoughts grew more and more repugnant.

I’m processing , Sakura repeated, and got up from the floor and made her way towards her room, but Inner? I think I would benefit from a more external approach.

“ I can’t say our last external approach filled me with much confidence, ” Inner said, as if it wasn’t to blame for most of what happened, “ but I’ll bite, what do you have in mind?”

Carnage. Blood. Death.

Sakura pulled her hair into a bun and filled it with poison dipped senbons. Then she wrapped bandages mixed with explosion tags around her arms. Coiled razor wire was strapped to her belt, along with pockets full of kunai and shurikens. Two blades tucked between the sole and welt of her boots.

“ Okay Hidan , does this mean more choking yourself and dreaming of flayed skin? Maybe we could learn some Jashinism first? Put some meaning to the suffering and all that. ”

Huh, Sakura paused as picked up her gloves, the one with brass knuckles, that’s an idea.

“ Jashinism?” Inner’s tone called to mind a middle-aged woman clutching her pearls, “ you want to process your feelings by joining a death cult?”

Introduce a new layer of cheating death? Prolonging all this physically as well as spiritually? Just the thought was enough to slow the blood in her veins. And yet, there was something worthwhile in the suggestion. Gods and immortality. There were parts of her that could see some potential there. But the jagged and all-encompassing thing inside her was too occupied with limps thrashing in bed , grasping for hair, red blotches forming on pale skin-

A sudden influx of dust, iron and wood tickled her nose. Beneath her fist laid broken pieces of her dresser. Some bits of the wood had even impaled her legs, blood pooling on her feet, dark and stiff. A small face drawn with dark shadows and glistering red peered up at her.  It—she, wore an expression for which Sakura had no human frame of reference.

She couldn’t tear her eyes off fast enough. Cold sweat dripped down her spine. The rest of her room was in disarray. Bed flipped, clothes torn and scratch marks on the walls. There was also something dark beneath her fingernails. It tasted like rot. She glanced around again, trying to identify what, where and how.

Inner stewed silently for a while, before reluctantly saying; “ …I suppose self-perseveration supports not dealing with this internally.”

Ha, Sakura thought, devoid of anything close to humor , I wasn’t really asking for permission .

If anything, Sakura had merely been extending a courtesy warning.

Uneasy whispers hissed in the Yamanaka compound. The civilians were huddled together. A few shinobis were circling them. No one batted an eye at Sakura’s sudden appearance. She even received a few nods from familiar faces in the crowds. The words ‘invasion’ and ‘Chunin Exam’ echoing in the air.

Sakura made a few inquisitions about the whereabouts of the clan head. Every word she spoke strained her sore throat. No one knew where he was. Or so they claimed. Such information was not freely given to outsiders it would seem. Even outsiders who were well liked like her. One of them even pet her head reassuringly and offered her refuge among them. “We would appreciate an extra hand, until the situation is under control. Staying put is wise.”

Fair point. Sooner or later, Ino’s father was bound to make an appearance. Especially seeing as he had failed to let the small fries of his clan know of her treachery. Sloppy work for someone famed for their skills on information gathering and manipulation. Luckily for him, she had no interest in taking advantage of this. The lack of hostility from his clan made staying here appalling. After all, she would have headed straight to the T&I if she favored passivity.  

So, she made her way to the hospital. Hovering outside long enough to make her legs ache. The sunlight filtering through the clouds lit the streets in bright golden light, accentuating the looming shadows cast by the building, swallowing Sakura’s small form. Somewhere within, hidden among disinfectants, scalpels, and nurse's charts, were something Sakura could not face.