Chapter Text
carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board TEAM SCIENCE FTW.
CG: THIS IS TO NOTIFY EVERYONE THAT I HAVE LODGED A FORMAL COMPLAINT WITH THE OFFICE OF THE FLEET ADMIRAL TO TERMINATE THE MARYAM PROTOCOL.
CG: IT'S TURNING OUT TO BE AN EVEN BIGGER DISASTER THAN I HAD IMAGINED.
CG: SCIENCE STAFF TURNING OVER CONTROL OF OUR RESEARCH PROGRAM TO THE TEST SUBJECTS, WHO THEN PROCEED TO USE IT TO PLAY PRANKS WITH REALITY.
CG: SCIENCE STAFF PERSONALLY COMPROMISED BY THE TEST SUBJECTS.
CG: TEST SUBJECTS SUBVERTING OUR TEST STIMULI TO ENGINEER PLANETARY-SCALE MEDIA INCIDENTS, THUS PREJUDICING MILLIONS OF OTHER POTENTIAL SUBJECTS.
CG: TEST SUBJECTS POTENTIALLY COLLUDING WITH EACH OTHER TO INFLUENCE RESULTS OF THE TESTS.
CG: IT'S ALL WORSE THAN A COMPLETELY USELESS WASTE OF RESOURCES.
CG: WE'RE SHOOTING OURSELVES IN THE FOOT WITH THIS SPECIES HERE.
CG: AND IT NEEDS TO STOP.
caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo.
CA: tryin your wwhinin ovver my nug thing again you little shit
CG: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN A COMMANDING OFFICER ABDICATES HIS DUTY?!
CA: ...
CG: SIR.
CA: is that mutiny talkin vvantas
CA: right here in a wwide open memo
CA: should i start sleepin wwith one eye open
CA: or should i start wwarmin up that cell in the brig for you
CG: YOU KNOW THAT'S A GROSS DISTORTION OF MY INTENTIONS HERE.
CG: AS MUCH, AND AS *PLATONICALLY*, AS I HATE YOUR SMARMY ASS, I'M PERFECTLY CONTENT TO LET YOU STAY IN COMMAND OF THE VESSEL, MOST OF THE TIME.
CG: BUT ON MATTERS LIKE THIS, WHEN YOU'RE TRANSPARENTLY NOT DOING YOUR JOB, POSSIBLY FOR SELF-SERVING REASONS, I CAN'T LET THAT SHIT SLIDE.
CG: I JUST, I *PHYSICALLY* CAN'T.
CG: AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, I DO THINGS BY THE BOOK, AND GO THROUGH THE PROPER CHANNELS, TO KEEP FROM HANDING YOU THE KNIFE TO STAB ME WITH.
CA: oh no wwhat wwill i do
CA: lieutenant karkat vvantas is gonna throww the book at me
CA: its so thick it could kill a meowwbeast just by droppin it
CA: howw wwill my career evver recovver
CG: YOU HAVEN'T LEFT ME ANY OTHER OPTIONS.
CG: YOU'VE KNOWN THE WHOLE OPERATION WOULD BE A CLUSTERFUCK FROM DAY ONE, AND YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED ME TO WEAR IT.
CG: WELL, FUCK THAT. I'M NOT HAVING IT ANYMORE.
CA: look at all this black bile going to wwaste
CA: you ever wwant to just drop all these pretences
CA: and settle our differences the old fashioned way
CA: mano a mano
CA: by wwhich i mean man to man
CG: YOU REALLY ARE ONE CREEPY SON OF A SEAHORSE, CAPTAIN AMPORA.
CA: ah come on givve me a chance here
CA: it could be hot
CA: kitkat
CG: ...
CG: YOU.
CG: YOU READ ALL OF THAT.
CA: wwhat can i say
CA: its interestin readin
CA: and wwell wwithin my security clearance
CG: YOU ABSOLUTE FUCK.
CG: I'LL HAVE YOUR FINS FOR THIS.
CA: heeeeey looks like you found your dark side lieutenant vvanitas
CA: for a wwhile there i wwas wworried you wwere savvin yourself for that lalonde majyyk wwench after all
CG: I'M NOT *FLIRTING* WITH YOU, YOU HATESICK SHITBASTARD!!!
CA: nah course you aint
CA: wwhy am i alwways second choice
CA: though i gotta admit the rose human is a good first one
CG: NOT HER EITHER, AUGH
CG: WHO AM I KIDDING, OF COURSE YOU READ EVERYTHING, YOU DEBAUCHED EELSKIN.
CG: THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF WEIRD FANTASY YOU GET YOUR GLOBES OFF TO.
CG: BUT THAT'S NOT THE CRITICAL ISSUE HERE.
CG: OUR REPORTS ARE OPEN, BUT OUR RAW NOTES ARE NOT!
CG: IT'S A CRITICAL PART OF OUR INDEPENDENCE AS RESEARCHERS!
CG: THERE ARE *REASONS* YOU CAN'T INTERFERE, THERE ARE *RULES* TO PREVENT IT, AND I AM *NOT* LETTING YOU USE THIS AS AMMUNITION TO UNDERMINE THE REST OF OUR SCIENCE OPERATIONS!
CA: ooh i lovve it wwhen you talk principles to me
CA: crabcakes
CG: I'M GONNA *FUCKING*
CG: NO. WAIT.
CG: NO, I'M NOT. THAT'S HOW I LOSE HERE.
CG: YOU'RE NOT BAITING ME ANYMORE. THIS ENDS NOW.
CG: IT ENDS UNTIL THE INDEPENDENT REVIEW BOARD ARRIVES.
CG: AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN, IT'S GAME ON.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo.
GC: GOOD 3V3N1NG, G3NTL3M3N
GC: TH4T 1S 4 F4SC1N4T1NG SCROLLB4CK BUFF3R YOU'V3 G3N3R4T3D TH3R3
GC: WH1CH, FOR TH3 S4K3 OF D3CORUM, 1 W1LL OM1T FROM TH3 PROC33D1NGS
CG: COMMANDER PYROPE, MA'AM. WELCOME ONLINE.
CG: AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR EXTRAORDINARILY RAPID TURNAROUND.
CA: commander pyrope
CA: heheheh figures
CA: this little puddle is wway too small for peixes herself to wwade all the wway into a second time today
GC: OH, M4K3 NO M1ST4K3, C4PT41N
GC: MY OWN FORM4L R4NK 1S 1RR3L3V4NT TO TH3 PROC33D1NGS, S1NC3 1 4M H3R3 R3PR3S3NT1NG TH3 FL33T 4DM1R4L H3RS3LF!
GC: YOU SHOULD 4SSUM3 TH4T TH1S 1NQU1RY H4S T33TH
GC: 4ND TH4T TH3Y 4R3 V3RY SH4RP >:]
CA: lovvely
CA: wwell lets not wwaste any more of the admirals proxys time than wwe havve to here
CG: AGREED.
CG: THE SOONER WE START, THE SOONER YOU CAN GO TO HELL.
GC: W3LL, TH4T DO3S S3T TH3 MOOD, DO3SN'T 1T?
GC: NOW TH3N
GC: L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S, W3 H4V3 R3V13W3D YOUR COMPL41NT DOSS13R THOROUGHLY 4ND W1TH GR34T 1NT3R3ST
GC: 4S 4 R3SULT, TH3 4DM1R4L H4S 4SS3MBL3D H3R OWN SC13NC3 T34M TO CORROBOR4T3 YOUR 3V1D3NC3
GC: 4ND TH3 F1ND1NGS 4R3 4LL V3RY V4LU4BL3!
GC: SO V4LU4BL3, 1N F4CT, TH4T 1 F1ND MYS3LF 4T 4 LOSS TO 3XPL41N WHY YOU WOULD W4NT TO T3RM1N4T3 SUCH 4N OBV1OUSLY SUCC3SSFUL PROTOCOL!
CG: COMMANDER?
CG: I'M SORRY, I
CG: I DON'T UNDERSTAND?
GC: W3 4GR33 TH4T TH3 M3THODS 4R3... 1NNOV4T1V3
GC: 4ND TH4T TH3 4N4LYS1S W1LL B3 COMPL1C4T3D 4ND T3D1OUS
GC: BUT WHAT TH3 3XP3R1M3NT L4CKS 1N F1N3SS3
GC: 1T M4K3S UP BY TH3 SH33R VOLUM3 OF D4T4 1T PRODUC3S
CG: BUT WE HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING THAT MUCH DATA!
CG: JUST THREE HUMANS SO FAR, IT'S HARDLY ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY THE RISK
GC: OH, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S
GC: YOU M4Y NOT H4V3 B33N T4K1NG 4NY MOR3 D4T4
GC: BUT W3 H4V3!
CG: I
CG: YOU
CG: WHAT?!
CG: MA'AM.
GC: TH1NK OF 1T, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S, 4S 4 COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NT TYP3 OF OBS3RV4T1ON
GC: 4LL OUR 3XP3R1M3NTS B3FOR3 NOW H4VE T4K3N S1NGL3 HUM4NS 4S SUBJ3CTS
GC: BUT NOW, FOR TH3 F1RST T1M3, W3'V3 FOUND 4 W4Y TO P3RTURB 4N 3NT1R3 SOC13TY 4T ONC3!
GC: 4ND UNL1K3 M4N1PUL4T1ONS OF M4SS M3D1A, W3 R3T41N TH3 GR4NUL4R1TY OF 1ND1V1DUAL R3SPONS3S TO 4 UN1FORM 1N1T14L ST1MULUS!
GC: ORD1N4R1LY, W3 WOULD N33D M4NY T1M3S TH3 R3SOURC3S OF YOUR T34M TO D3S1GN 4ND PRODUC3 4 S3LF-PROP4G4T1NG V1R4L T3ST ST1MULUS
GC: BUT TH1S ROS3 HUM4N D1D 1T ON 4 SHO3STR1NG!
GC: SH3 KN3W 3X4CTLY WH4T TO PR3S3NT TO YOUR TH1RD T3ST SUBJ3CT TO PRODUC3 4 V1R4L ST1MULUS TH4T W3 COULD TH3N STUDY
GC: 4ND SO, T4K1NG 4 CU3 FROM 3NS1GN C4PTOR'S QU1CK TH1NK1NG
GC: W3'V3 B33N MON1TOR1NG TH3 PROP4G4T1ON OF TH3 ST1MULUS THROUGH HUM4N SOC14L M3D1A S1T3S FOR TH3 L4ST H4LF HOUR
GC: TH3 R3SULTS 4R3 F4SC1N4T1NG
GC: 4ND YOUR T34M 1S TO B3 COMM3ND3D FOR TH1S BR34KTHROUGH!
CG: WELL, HAHA, YES, OF COURSE.
CG: I KNEW IT ALL ALONG, NATURALLY.
CG: OF COURSE, THE RIGHT TEAM, WITH THE RIGHT SUPPORT...
GC: YOU, ON TH3 OTHER H4ND
GC: DON'T S33M TO H4V3 H4D 4NYTH1NG WH4TSO3V3R TO DO W1TH TH1S SUCC3SS
GC: 1F 4NYTH1NG, YOU PROPOS3 OV3RLY CONS3RV4T1V3 4ND OUTD4T3D PROCESSES TH4T ST1FL3 SUCH 1NNOV4T1ON 1N 1TS CR3CH3
GC: TH3Y S33M TO H4V3 SUCC33D3D D3SP1T3 YOUR L34D3RSH1P
CG: MA'AM, I THINK IF YOU REVIEW THE HISTORICAL RECORD
GC: 4ND ON TOP OF TH1S, H4V3 SHOWN SOME 4L4RM1NG 4ND 1N4PPROPR14T3 T3ND3NC13S TOW4RDS TH3 ROS3 HUM4N CONSULT4NT
CG: YOU'LL FIND THAT CAUTION IS WARRANTED WHEN DEALI^^^^^?!?!?!^C
CG: I'M SORRY, MA'AM, BUT *WHAT*
CG: I'VE REPORTED CLEAR-CUT CASES OF OVERT FRATERNIZATION BETWEEN THE ROSE HUMAN AND ENSIGN MARYAM!
CG: SURELY THIS IS WHAT ISN'T APPROPRIATE?
GC: 1N 4LL TH3 T3XT W3 W3R3 4BL3 TO OBT41N, ENS1GN M4RYAM 1S ON R3CORD 4S 31TH3R 1GNOR1NG OR R3BUFF1NG TH3 ROSE HUM4N'S FLUSH3D 4DV4NC3S
GC: 4ND M41NT41N1NG 4PPROPR14T3 PROFESS1ON4L BOUND4R13S
CG: IT'S ON THE FIRST PAGE OF THE FIRST MEMO, MA'AM!
GC: WH3R34S YOU S33M H3LL B3NT FOR CHOL3RB34R H1D3 ON TH3 MOST OUTR4G3OUS 4ND CONT1NU4L H4T3FL1RT1NG W1TH H3R!
CG: I'M
CG: MA'AM, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN
CG: SUFFERER'S STRAPPADO, DON'T MAKE ME WORK WITH THIS ROSE HUMAN ANYMORE
GC: OF COURS3 W3 WON'T
GC: W3 H4V3 NO D3S1R3 TO PROLONG TH1S OBV1OUS M1SM4TCH
GC: BUT L3T 1T NOT B3 S41D WE G4V3 YOU NO NOT1C3!
GC: W3 W1LL 4LLOW 4 S1NGL3 4DD1TION4L T3ST SUBJ3CT TO B3 CONT4CT3D UND3R YOUR SUP3RV1S1ON, 4S TH3 FL33T 4DM1R4L R3QU3ST3D FROM YOU
GC: WH1CH SHOULD BR1NG YOU TO TH3 3ND OF TH3 R3SOURC3S OR1G1N4LLY 4LLOC4T3D TO YOUR PROGR4M
GC: TH3R34FT3R, W3 W1LL CHOOS3 4 SUCC3SSOR TO CONT1NU3 TH3 N3W, MOR3 4MB1T1OUS PROGR4M OF OUR L4RG3-SC4L3 STUD13S OF HUM4N SOC13TY
GC: 4ND TO BE P3RF3CTLY HON3ST 4ND TR4NSP4R3NT
GC: TH1S ROS3 HUM4N 1S 1N TH3 RUNN1NG
GC: 4S 4R3 3NS1GNS C4PTOR 4ND M4RY4M
CG: MA'AM, ARE YOU TELLING ME I MIGHT LOSE MY JOB TO ONE OF OUR FORMER TEST SUBJECTS?!?!
GC: W3LL!
GC: WH4T 4 R3FR3SH1NGLY SUCC1NCT SUMM4RY OF TH3 S1TU4T1ON, L1EUTEN4NT!
CG: I DON'T
CG: YOU CAN'T
GC: ...
CG: OF COURSE, MA'AM. YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.
GC: 3XC3LL3NT! SO GL4D TO H34R 1T!
CA: so commander
CA: should i assume im free to wwalk awway noww
GC: C4RRY ON, C4PT41N 4MPOR4
GC: YOU RUN 4 T1GHT SH1P H3R3, 4ND TH3 4DM1R4L H4S NO COMPL41NTS!
GC: THOUGH SH3 D1D 4SK M3 TO R3M1ND YOU P3RSON4LLY
GC: TO "K33P 1T 1N YOUR W3TSU1T"
GC: SO TO SP34K
GC: 1 H4V3N'T 4 CLU3 WH4T SH3 M34NS, BUT 1 4SSUM3 YOU DO >;]
CA: ah yeah
CA: of course commander
CA: i know exactly wwhat shes talkin about
CA: and can assure you my wwetsuit wwill retain its appropriate contents
GC: V3RY GOOD.
CG: MA'AM, I HAVE A COMPLAINT
GC: W3 H4V3 4LR34DY D34LT W1TH YOUR COMPL41NT, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S
CG: I WAS UNAWARE, AT THE TIME I MADE THAT COMPLAINT, OF THE ADDITIONAL FACT THAT CAPTAIN AMPORA HAS BEEN READING MY TEAM'S RAW NOTES.
CG: IN GROSS VIOLATION OF THE NORM OF INDEPENDENCE AND NON-INTERFERENCE FOR SCIENTIFIC WORK ON ALTERNIAN NAVAL FLEET VESSELS.
GC: OH, R34LLY?
GC: MOST 1NT3R3ST1NG!
GC: DO YOU 4DM1T TO TH1S, CAPTAIN?
CA: haha yeah as a matter of fact i do
CA: wwhat exactly is the problem wwith that
GC: YOU H4V3N'T US3D 4NY KNOWL3DG3 4BSORB3D 1N TH1S W4Y FOR P3RSON4L G41N, 1N V1OL4T1ON OF YOUR LOYALTY O4TH 4ND OUR CONFL1CT OF 1NT3R3ST POL1CY?
CA: no commander of course not
CA: wwhy wwould i evven do that that wwould be really awwful shit
GC: 1ND33D 1T WOULD!
GC: YOU DO R3C4LL TH4T BL4CKM41L 4ND 3XTORT1ON F4LL UND3R 1N4PPROPR14T3 US3S OF SUCH R4W, UNCL34R3D 1NFORM4T1ON, DON'T YOU?
CA: yes commander im awware
CA: i can honestly say i havve blackmailed nobody during these protocols
GC: 4ND 4T NO PO1NT H4V3 YOU 1NT3RF3R3D 1N TH3 4DM1N1STR4T1ON OF 4NY PROTOCOL, NOR H4V3 YOU D3STROY3D OR F4LS1F13D R3SULTS FOR 4NY R34SON?
CA: i havve done exactly zero of those things commander
GC: 4ND 1'M SO GL4D TO H34R 1T!
GC: 4R3 YOU H3R3BY FORM4LLY 4CCUS1NG C4PT41N 4MPOR4 OF 4NY OF THOS3 TH1NGS, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S?
CG: MA'AM, YOU KNOW THIS BOTTOMFEEDER AS WELL AS I DO.
CG: WE BOTH KNOW IT'S ALMOST INCONCEIVABLE THAT HE WON'T BLACKMAIL SOMEONE WITH THAT INFORMATION AT SOME POINT IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
GC: 4 SOB3R 4ND D4MN1NG 4SS3SSM3NT, L13UT3N4NT!
GC: HOW3V3R, 1 KNOW 4S Y3T OF NO COURT OR TR1BUN4L 1N TH3 4LT3RN14N FL33T T4SK3D W1TH PROS3CUT1NG FUTUR3 CR1M3S
GC: S1NC3 1T'S MUCH 34S13R TO G3T TH3 WRONG D3F3ND4NT 1N THOS3 C4S3S!
GC: TH3R3FOR3, 4LLOW M3 TO R3PHR4S3
GC: 4R3 YOU H3R3BY FORM4LLY 4CCUS1NG PR3S3NT C4PT41N 4MPOR4 OF BL4CKM41L, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S?
CG: I
CG: FFFFFF
CG: NO MA'AM, I AM NOT.
GC: TH3N 1T S33MS NO V1OL4T1ON H4S T4K3N PL4C3!
GC: TH1S 1S 3XC3LL3NT N3WS TH4T 1'LL B3 PL34S3D TO NOT BOTH3R D3L1V3R1NG TO FL33T 4DM1R4L P31X3S, ON 4CCOUNT OF SH3'S BUSY 4ND NOTH1NG'S WRONG
CG: HE CALLED ME *CRABCAKES*!!!
GC: >:O
GC: WHY C4PT41N
GC: WHAT AN OUTR4G3OUS 1NSULT!
GC: WHY WOULD YOU C4LL L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S SUCH AN OUTR4G3OUS TH1NG?
CA: wwell commander dont you think he kinda looks like a crabcake
CA: his face in particular
GC: L13UT3N4NT, WOULD YOU R3M1ND M3 4ND TH3 C4PT41N EX4CTLY WH4T 1S SO OUTR4G3OUS 4BOUT TH1S P4RT1CUL4R 1NSULT?
GC: FOR TH3 R3CORD?
CG: FOR THE
CG: UH
CG: IT'S EXCEEDINGLY PERSONAL, MA'AM
GC: 1S TH1S 4 M4TT3R OF HONOR FOR WH1CH YOU D3M4ND S4T1SF4CT1ON?
CA: personally i wwould be just fine settlin it that wway commander
GC: 1 W4SN'T 4SK1NG YOU, C4PT41N
GC: THOUGH P3RH4PS 1 SHOULD R3M1ND BOTH OF YOU TH4T DU3LL1NG 1S 3XPR3SSLY FORB1DD3N ON FL33T SC13NC3 V3SS3LS
GC: 4ND 1S D34LT W1TH H4RSHLY
GC: P4RT1CUL4RLY BY COURT MART14LS 4ND FUND1NG 4LLOC4TION R3V13W BO4RDS
CG: ...
CG: NO, I SUPPOSE NOT.
GC: W3LL TH3N!
GC: 1 B3L13V3 MY WORK H3R3 1S DON3!
GC: YOU H4V3 YOUR ORD3RS THEN, G3NTL3M3N
GC: TH4T 1S 4LL FOR TH3 T1M3 B31NG
GC: OV3R 4ND OUT!
gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased responding to memo.
CA: heheheheheheh
CA: wwell wwell wwell
CA: sounds like you havve your wwork cut out for you
CA: crawwcaught
carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned caligulasAquarium [CA] from responding to memo.
CG: LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT I'M GOING TO BE *FUCKING* SICK.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo.