Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"I, um," I began, then stopped. I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I stared down at my plate.

Tom reached out, holding my hand. I managed a smile as I took it.

"It's okay if you don't want to, Jake," Tom assured me.

I knew this. Neither Tom nor Aftran would ever force me to become a Controller again, no matter how briefly. I could say no, and I was sure that they'd change the subject. Maybe, we'd never talk about it again.

A voice in my head, sounding very much like Temrash, spoke up.

You are a coward, Jake. You trust Aftran with your brother's life, his freedom, and his happiness, but you can't stomach the idea of letting her into your head for even an hour? Who ever made you the leader of the Animorphs? You're pathetic.

I shut my eyes in an attempt to drown out the voice, but the thing was, it wasn't exactly a lie.

When we'd deliberated on how to save Aftran, the conversation had evolved into saving Tom. But, really, we could best keep Tom safe if he remained a Controller. As a host to Aftran. Two birds, one stone, and all of that. No one wanted it to work out better for Tom than I did, but it had been an almost mercenary decision. We would keep both of them under our eyes, and gain access to information that a Yeerk as high as Tom's would be able to provide.

Cassie and Aftran had claimed that Aftran would be kind to him. If I didn't entirely believe Aftran, I believed Cassie. I knew, personally, that he'd suffered worse from Temrash. Aftran would have to be an improvement over him, right?

Still. He'd still have to go back to the Yeerk Pool every three days. Still have to be in The Sharing. Facing Visser Three on a regular basis. Visser One, too.

I reminded myself that Tom had been free to stay with the Hork-Bajir. He could hide until the war was over. He'd made the choice to give Aftran a chance. It had worked out. They were friends, now. They were symbionts, or as parts of a Yeerk partnership, or whatever term you wanted to use when a Yeerk respected their host and the host actually wanted the Yeerk in their head.

Besides, it had been Tom's choice. No one had forced him to hold still while Aftran climbed into his head.

Aftran, of all people, would never have allowed it.

I could see how much better my brother was with Aftran in his head.

Still. I was afraid to let her in mine. No matter how briefly.

I realized that I was staring at Tom, who was still holding my hand. I wondered how long I'd gone without speaking.

"Could we talk in the living room?" I finally answered.

Tom smiled at me. I recognized it as one of his gentle ones. Comforting. "Sure, Midget."

"We should probably-you know. Put the dishes in the sink," I added.

Partly to stall, sort of. But, also because I knew Mom would be kind of annoyed if we left things the way they were.

"Okay," Tom agreed, breaking contact with my hand.

We rose from our chairs and placed the dishes and stuff we'd used in the sink. Then, we walked into the living room, sat down on the couch. A part of me recalled that this was where we'd had the other conversation, just a few days ago, about me having been infested by Temrash.

Now, it seemed, we were going to have one about me being infested by Aftran.

Tom faced me, holding my hand once more.

"You all right, Midget?" Tom asked me.

I nodded.

Maybe it was the location, or sitting on a couch, or both. It felt a little easier to speak. "Yeah. I'm okay."

"You know it's just a suggestion, right? We're not gonna just put Aftran in your head unless you're totally okay with it?" Tom asked.

I could feel a sense of-well, not panic or urgency, but something all the same-to his tone.

"Yeah," I repeated. "I've kind of thought about it. Sort of. I mean," I paused, trying to find the right words. "After we got back and I told you about what happened with Temrash?" At Tom's nod, I continued, "I guess I sort of got to thinking that, maybe, if I spent some time with Aftran, just Aftran, to see what it could be like..."

It felt wrong to admit this. I mean, we were fighting the Yeerks. Sure, Cassie and Aftran had an arrangement, and Tom and Aftran were friends, but I was the leader. I wasn't supposed to...

To what, exactly? Wonder what it would be like to have a decent Yeerk in my head for a short period of time? One who I knew pretty well, who I trusted not to betray us or hurt Tom? Who, probably, wouldn't even take control or search my memories without getting my consent?

When you put it like that, it didn't seem so strange.

Except for the fact that we were fighting the Yeerks.

Well, the empire. Aftran wasn't part of the Yeerk Empire anymore. Could I really blame her, and others like her, just because she happened to be born as an intelligent slug? It wasn't like Yeerks were evil from birth.

Probably not, anyway.

"She could help you?" Tom finished for me. Giving me a playful nudge, he added, "She hasn't exactly hurt me, you know."

I grinned. "I've noticed."

Tom gave my hand a squeeze, but didn't say anything else.

After a minute, I spoke again.

"It's why I asked, earlier this week, about what it was like when she infested you. Kind of," I explained.

Tom looked a little confused. His brow furrowed. "Wait. With Temrash...?"

I sighed, not wanting to relive what had happened. "I sort of fell in the pool during the battle, and I was nearly unconscious," I explained. "I had felt this enormous pain in my ear, but I didn't make the connection until he flat out explained that he was a Yeerk. That, and I couldn't move my body," I finished, not able to hide my anger.

Tom wrapped an arm around my shoulder, and I leaned against him. "Jake. You were practically unconscious."

I still thought that I should have known better. I'd fallen into the pool, and then there had been a huge pain in my ear. I should have made the connection. Should have managed to shout out a warning before the Yeerk seized control.

I forced my thoughts in a more productive direction. "I didn't want to ask Cassie about it, since for her, Aftran's her Yeerk bestie and I figured if there was anything unpleasant about being infested, she'd try to shield me from it. Especially since it would be with Aftran," I explained.

Tom rolled his eyes at me, wrapping his other arm around me in a sort of reverse hug. "Yeerk bestie is going to be something we use a lot, now, isn't it?"

I managed a laugh. "Well, it kind of fits. Cassie the tree hugger, the Yeerk hugger..."

"Tree hugger, sure. But, Jake, has she ever actually hugged Aftran outside of her head?" Tom teased.

I had to make a face at the mental image.

After a brief pause, Tom spoke up again, and I could hear the grin in his voice. "Aftran said that Cassie's never hugged Aftran outside her head. So, maybe, we can omit the 'Yeerk hugger' part from her name?"

I nodded, accepting defeat on this point. "Okay. Fair enough."

Another silence, broken by my brother's Yeerk.

"Jake?" she asked, voice soft. Yeah, it definitely sounded different when she spoke. "It's Aftran."

Instinctively, I broke apart from the hug. If Tom-Aftran-was hurt, it didn't show on his face.

"I'm using gentle control, with your brother's permission," Aftran added, softly. When I nodded, she continued. "I wanted to speak to you, directly, so that you know what will happen if you let me in your head." She paused. "Some of it is unpredictable, since it would be my first time infesting you, but I can provide you with enough information to prepare for you a-a more traditional infestation experience."

I nodded for what felt like the millionth time today. "Should I ask you questions, or do you want to walk me through it?"

I wasn't agreeing, at least, not right away. But, still. I could find out from her what it could entail.

"Which would you prefer?" she asked me, gently.

I didn't hesitate. "Tell me what will happen."

Aftran nodded. "I'll approach your ear, and immediately secrete a painkilling agent that will numb your entire ear. It takes a few seconds to begin working, and a Yeerk's body begins to dry out as soon as it's not in a host body or liquid, so the instinct to climb inside is extremely strong. You might experience mild pain during this time period, before the painkiller begins to work. Tom always does, and so do Cassie. It disappears completely within seconds, often before they can fully react to the discomfort," Aftran began. At my nod, she pressed on. "After this, you will feel pressure as I climb inside, but no immediate loss of control." She paused for a minute, probably going through the entire process in her mind. "When a Yeerk infests a host body for the first time, they always take control, because they don't know the pathway to the control center. The loss of control is gradual and completely random. Once I connect completely with your brain, I will release control entirely to you."

I felt myself nodding my head. At this point, nothing Aftran told me was too surprising. Maybe, it was because Tom had told me a lot of this before. Also, I remembered, when Aftran needed to take full control when she infested him, he didn't know what body parts would go first.

"Once I connect completely with your brain," Aftran assured me, "I will release control entirely to you."

"You don't think you can keep from taking control at all?" I asked, shakily, but I figured I already knew the answer.

Aftran sighed, a little. "It's unlikely." She paused. "Then again, you and Tom are brothers, so there are more genetic similarities than with any other hosts I have infested. It might be possible, in your case, but I don't want to make any promises that I cannot keep."

"Maybe if we'd been identical twins?" I joked.

Aftran laughed. "Well, perhaps."

"Okay." I paused, taking a moment to think about what I wanted to ask next. "How long will I be-you know?"

Helpless. Unable to move, unable even to blink.

I didn't want to say it out loud. Not if I didn't have to.

"It can vary. For a human, no longer than two minutes." Aftran took my hand in Tom's. "I realize that must seem like an unending amount of time when you can't move on your own, Jake," she added, sympathetically. "I will release control as soon as I can."

Two minutes. I'd gone three days before. Two minutes couldn't be that bad, right? It wasn't like going without air for that long. I thought that I could handle that.

Especially if Tom was there, too.

"Once you're in my mind, then what? Will you-" I swallowed. "You know? See all of my memories?"

Aftran shook Tom's head. "I will see whatever you're thinking at the moment, but I will not open any of your memories," Aftran promised. "I will be able to communicate with you, much like thought speech. I imagine that Temrash did this with you, before, so you know what it's like?"

"Yeah," I answered, trying not to flinch at the memory.

Aftran must have realized that this hadn't exactly been fun for me, because Tom's face darkened. Just for a second.

She spoke up again, even more gentle than before. "After I'm connected, and you have full control back, what happens next is up to you."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "We'll talk, right?"

Aftran nodded. "We can just talk, if you like. I can give you a mental hug, if you are comfortable allowing me to do so." She smiled, and I admitted, I was a little curious about this. "Cassie and Tom enjoy them. But, really, I'll let you take over, in all senses. The worst part will be in the beginning, but the rest will be up to you. Including when I leave your head."

"When you leave my head...will that hurt?" I wondered.

She shook Tom's head, again. "I'll secrete the same painkiller as I did before, and I will be able to wait longer without my instincts taking over. It won't hurt at all."

I paused before answering, really thinking this over. "And you promise that you won't take control or go through any of my memories unless I give you the okay?"

"Yes, Jake. I promise," she answered, simply.

Tom spoke up. I knew it was him, based on the sudden relaxing of his body, the subtle change in his tone. "Aftran's telling the truth, Jake. She means it. Everything. You can trust her."

I just watched them. It occurred to me that, if nothing else, this could be good practice when we needed to return to the Yeerk Pool. The Gleet Biofilters were set to destroy anything without a Yeerk. Maybe, I could go with Aftran, and...well, we'd figure out the other details later.

Anyway, I knew that Aftran being inside my mind for a little could help me. Like I said earlier. Tom had been way more damaged than I was, and he was doing a lot better with her, but I still had the occasional nightmare featuring Temrash. If nothing else, I could have an experience with a Yeerk that would be way better than Temrash. Something to even things out. Maybe, help me to get to know Aftran without Tom or Cassie there.

It might be awkward, sure, and she might see stuff that I would have rather she didn't. Still. Yeah. Okay. I was going to do this.

"Okay." I nodded, swallowed hard. "But, let's do it now, before I'll just freak out and lose my nerve."

Tom pulled me into a bear hug. "You're the bravest kid I know, Midget."

I had to smile at the praise. We hugged for at least a few minutes, but I finally let go. Tom stayed close to me, though.

"Stay with me?" I asked, suddenly, my voice cracking.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Absolutely, Jake. I'll be here the whole time."

Aftran spoke up, then, leaving Tom's arm around my shoulders. "I'll leave your brother's head, and he can either place me in your ear, or you can do it on your own. I won't dry up immediately, but it will feel unpleasant as soon as I am outside of a host body," she cautioned.

"I understand. I'll be quick," I promised.

Tom gave my shoulders a quick squeeze, then let go. His face didn't exactly go tense, but it sort of went calm. A moment later, I saw Aftran's body emerge. It was nothing I hadn't seen before. Back at the beginning of the war, when we first fought against Visser Three and his guards at the Yeerk Pool, I'd seen the Yeerks emerge from their hosts. Some barely reacted. Others screamed or cried or swore the moment the Yeerk was out. Back then, I thought it was unnatural, evil. The Yeerks might look like a harmless slug, but they were all evil parasites, worming their way into host bodies, making them slaves. If there were voluntary Controllers...well, that just meant that some humans would sell out their bodies and their freedom if the price was high enough.

It wasn't as simple, now. If the Yeerks weren't an empire, if they had come to us without demanding our bodies, our freedom, maybe they wouldn't be such a threat. Not that saying "what if?" ever did anything. Still. I knew that they weren't all evil, that the one living inside Tom's head would risk her life to save us.

Right now, Tom was holding her gently, in one hand, her body still flattened like a giant piece of chewing gum or silly putty. I watched as he ran his fingers along her her flattened body, the way you might pet a cat or dog, as Aftran resumed her natural shape.

Infestation might be weird, but it wasn't evil. Not by itself, anyway.

"Okay, Midget?" Tom asked me, gently. "You sure?"

I swallowed, but I nodded, determined. "Yeah."

"How do you want to handle this?"

Tom held, almost cradled, Aftran in his hands.

"I-I think I need to do it." I swallowed hard, then took a deep breath. I could always back out, I knew. But... "I think we've both had too many nightmares of the other way."

Tom nodded, releasing one hand from Aftran's body, and wrapping it around my shoulder. "I can imagine."

I smiled, gratefully. "Thanks. Okay. Let's do this."

"Let's do it" was Rachel's phrase, after all. While she wasn't here right now, I couldn't help but think that she'd never forgive me if I used it before letting a Yeerk inside my head.

Tom handed me Aftran. I knew my hands were shaking, but I managed to get her to my ear without dropping her. I felt her touch my ear, then, a sudden sting. Before I could react, though, I felt my ear numb.

Must be the painkiller.

His hands now free, Tom pulled me close to him, holding me in a sort of backwards hug. It helped.

I really hoped that Aftran would be able to make it to my brain without me losing control, but when I did begin to lose control, I was disappointed, but prepared.

Sort of.

It would have been worse if Tom hadn't been there.

The loss of control began immediately. It was, like Tom and Cassie had told me, completely random. A hand here, a foot there. More than that, though, was the transfer of my body parts over to Aftran. As I lost the ability to use each body part, the sensation in it diminished. Not completely, but it was like I felt only 10% of what I had before she took control.

That was almost worse than the loss of control.

I tried not to panic, but it was hard not to scream. So, while I still could, I nestled into Tom's hug. In response, he held me tighter.

"It's gonna be over in a minute, Jake," he soothed, like I was five and being given a shot. "You're doing great."

I still had control of my neck and my face. Still, I was glad Tom couldn't see me. I probably looked like I was in agony.

"Yeah," I whispered. "Thanks."

I suddenly remembered that my body hadn't felt like it was mine when Temrash had been there. He'd ended up with a lot of injuries, which he'd morphed away, in his attempts to escape. Probably, the worst of them had been when he'd morphed ant, and an opposing colony tore his body to pieces. He'd morphed out, just in time.

I'd hardly felt any of the pain he'd inflicted on my body when he'd controlled it. Being in charge of my body like that also meant he had to deal with feeling all of the pain it could cause him. I imagined that there was a more even way to split things up, even if your Yeerk was still in control. Hadn't Tom claimed something like that, when Aftran had to take full control at Sharing events and at the Yeerk Pool?

Keeping my mind on these questions helped me not to panic during the seemingly endless moments when Aftran was making her way into my mind, slowly taking control of my entire body.

As the loss of control continued-my arms and legs suddenly added to the parts Aftran controlled-I had to remind myself that this was all temporary. Once she connected to my brain, she'd release control. Also, if we ever had to do this again, her taking control upon arrival wouldn't happen. She just had to map out the pathway to my mind, or however it worked. It was uncomfortable, to put it mildly, but it wasn't like Tom didn't experience this on a regular basis.

I couldn't complain.

Literally. When I tried to open my mouth again, it wouldn't work.

Suddenly, my head was turned away towards Tom, and I really wanted to look at him, but my neck belonged to Aftran. I was still aware of him holding me, but way less acutely than a minute or so earlier.

Because of Aftran.

I reminded myself, again, as I could no longer even blink on my own, that it would be over soon.

As soon as I had thought this, I felt another presence in my mind.

Aftran.

It felt...gentle. Weird, I know, but that's the best way to describe it. A gentle mind beside mine.

(Hello, Jake. Can you hear me?) Aftran asked.

Her voice was soft. Gentle. Almost tentative. There was no arrogance, no malice.

I would have nodded if I could. I tried to remember how this worked, communicating with your Yeerk.

Not that Aftran was my Yeerk, exactly. I was just-borrowing her?

(Think your thoughts at me, Jake,) Aftran coached, softly.

(Like this? Can you hear me?) I managed.

(Yes,) Aftran responded immediately, and I could feel a smile in her voice. Her relief. (Very good. Now, Jake, I'm fully connected, so I'm going to let go of control, now. Are you ready?)

"Ready" was an understatement.

(Yes!)

Immediately, I could move again. I let out a breath of air. Moved my hands, just a little. Everything worked. It was okay. Just like Aftran wasn't there. A part of me wanting to start crying, but I managed to hold it together.

Tom would understand, but he'd be scared. He might demand that Aftran leave my head, and then, it would all be for nothing.

"Tom? It's me, Jake. Aftran's connected," I told him.

Tom sort of turned me toward him, but keeping both hands on my shoulders.

"Are you okay, Midget?" He studied me.

I managed to smile. "Now, yeah," I answered, truthfully. "It was...pretty scary, but yeah. I'm okay, now."

He nodded, his face somewhere between a smile and a grimace. "I bet. Well, I'm right here, okay? If you need anything, let me know."

I wanted to ask for Tom to stay close to me, but it felt babyish.

(It's not,) Aftran soothed, hearing my thoughts. (Go ahead. He'll understand, and besides, he wants to.)

A very small part of me felt annoyed that Aftran could read my thoughts. Another, larger, part reminded me that I had signed up for this by letting her in my head.

"Stay here?" I asked.

"You bet." Tom dropped his hands from my shoulders, but wrapped an arm around my back. "How's this?"

I smiled. "Great."

I turned my attention to Aftran. It was kind of hard to do, because she was in my mind, instead of sitting next to me, or something like that.

(Jake, I'm sorry that you had to go through that loss of control,) she soothed. (I thought, maybe, since you and Tom were brothers, I'd be able to connect to your brain without taking control. Because of the similarities.) She laughed, a little self deprecating. (Clearly, that wasn't the case.)

(It's okay,) I told her, meaning it. (I mean, at least, the worst is over.)

(It is,) she reassured me.

We sat-literally-in silence for a little while. Seconds, maybe? Minutes? However long it was, it felt like a long time.

I guess I was waiting for Aftran to speak, to take control. Of the situation, anyway.

Really, I wasn't sure what I had expected from this. It wasn't like I wanted her to go around my head, opening up my memories, or anything like that. I remembered how violating that had felt. But this? Just sitting there?

It felt strange, too.

I just...wanted Aftran to walk me through what she was going to do to me.

(I'm not going to do anything to you, Jake,) Aftran promised, responding to my thoughts.

I flinched, a little. As gentle as her voice sounded, it still felt like a rebuke.

Aftran's tone softened even more. (Jake, anything we do will be something we both agree to. We can stay like this, talking the whole time, that's up to you. If you want to do anything else, that's your choice, as well.)

I stared at my feet for a minute, not speaking, just feeling a little embarrassed. And, of course, fully aware that my thoughts and emotions were on display for my Yeerk.

My memories, too.

(Okay,) I finally answered. (I guess...let's start with talking.)

(All right,) Aftran replied, sort of smiling at me without sending any mental images. It just kind of felt like a smile. (Do you want to begin, or should I?)

(I can.) I paused, then, not sure where to begin. (Tom's okay, right? He's getting better?)

In a strange way, I could feel Aftran smile at me. (Yes, Jake. Every day, he's getting better.)

(You're proud of him?) I guessed.

It seemed so strange. A Yeerk taking pride in their host's ability to recover? Then again, Aftran was no regular Yeerk.

(I am very proud of your brother,) Aftran affirmed. Then, she chuckled. (I know, it must seem strange, but I am very proud of Tom. I care about him, of course, but it goes further than that. Your brother has been through so much, more than most hosts. Humans or otherwise. I've heard stories from the Yeerk Pool...) Aftran trailed off, her emotions darkening, a little. Then, she seemed to pull herself together. (I'm proud and amazed at his ability to heal from it all. Humans are more resilient than any other species I've encountered, but Tom's one of a kind.) Aftran laughed, a little. (Oh, not that there are official case studies, or ways to compare cruel Yeerks. But, from speaking with my friends in the Peace Movement, he's doing much better than we could have expected,) she explained.

I felt so proud of Tom, then. The image of him broken in the memory that Temrash had shown me seemed like someone else, completely.

Another thought came to me, accompanied by some fear.

(Do they know about him?) I worried.

(No, Jake,) Aftran reassured me. (Illim and his host, your teacher, know everything that I do as far as who you are. He's the only one. I needed to provide him with that information, in order to contact Cassie. If Cassie couldn't be reached within the time frame, he needed to have others. The rest of the Peace Movement only knows that Cassie is a human who can morph. It's...not safe for everyone to know everything.)

(Yeah. Especially if that information gets into the wrong hands, again,) I pointed out.

At this, Aftran started. Mentally, anyway. I was still in full control.

(Again?) she echoed, then, reading my thoughts, gave me a mental nod. (Oh! Well, it might have been a betrayal, but, you see, I did become a wanted criminal as soon as I freed Karen and told her family how to escape. I managed to remain hidden in the Yeerk Pool for the better part of a year, which is certainly a feat. Eventually, though, I supposed I would end up being caught and interrogated.)

That was as much of a relief as it was a surprise.

(Then, there aren't spies in the Peace Movement?) I guessed.

She gave me another mental shrug. (It's not impossible. So, we're very careful with revealing information to other members. Only Illim and I even know who everyone is, and how many Yeerks have joined. A small number of the Yeerks who I trust know that I am back in the Pool, and have a voluntary host. That's all. It's as much for their safety as it is for mine.)

(Yeah. The less they can tell Visser Three, the safer anyone is,) I noted.

(Exactly,) Aftran agreed.

Another silence, although, this time, it didn't feel as awkward. Aftran was the one to break it, this time.

(Has Tom told you about mental hugs?)

I tried to recall. (It sounds sort of familiar.)

Aftran smiled at me. (Don't worry, Jake. I won't search your memory for the information. Well, it's much like a hug between two humans, except it takes place within the minds of a Yeerk and their host.)

(Oh, okay,) I answered, giving her a mental nod. (You and Tom do those?)

(Yes.) She nodded, mentally.

I had a pretty good idea where Aftran was headed with this.

(You...want to give me one?) I confirmed, leaning back on the sofa, aware of Tom's arm around my shoulder.

(I would, but only if you're willing, Jake,) she answered, gently. (If it's any endorsement, your brother, would probably kill me if I didn't even offer.)

I managed a snort at that. Except, I wasn't smiling at Aftran, but I knew that I wasn't exactly glaring at her, either. Just thinking about hugging a Yeerk, mentally or not, was so out of the realm of what I'd thought I would ever experience, it was almost like entering another universe. Even if Aftran wasn't the enemy, even if she was an ally to us and a friend to Tom and Cassie, I didn't think I would ever want her to hug me.

Well, I'd already let her into my head, and I hadn't thought I'd ever do that.

Tom liked them, it seemed. We weren't the same person, obviously, but I trusted him. If he thought they were okay...

I'd gone this far. What harm could a Yeerk hug do? If I hated it, I could ask Aftran to stop...

(I will,) she spoke up, reading my thoughts. (If-when-you want me to let go, I will.)

I nodded my head, then stopped, wondering if Tom noticed anything.

(Okay,) I whispered. (Go ahead.)

Mentally, I braced myself for-what, I wasn't exactly sure. Not pain, not a sudden onslaught of memories. But something that could be unpleasant, maybe claustrophobic? Whatever it was, I wanted to prepare myself as best as I could.

What actually followed was nothing like that.

You can't explain colors to someone who was born without being able to see, or sound to someone born without being able to hear. Maybe, it's because they're so abstract, even though we experience both every day. Without even thinking about it.

In the same way, to someone who'd never had a decent Yeerk, which included myself, up to today, you couldn't explain a mental hug and not come across as totally insane.

It started like a regular hug, except it took place in my head. But it didn't stay that way. Slowly, I felt immersed by warmth and safety.

I was entering a steaming shower after being freezing. Then, I felt the memory of being wrapped up in warm blankets by Tom after he'd rubbed my back and shoulders for at least an hour. I was drinking hot chocolate, feeling the taste of the hot and delicious liquid in my mouth, as well as the warmth of the mug around my hands. Then, the memory-too far back to remember-of hugged tightly, completely, either by my parents or maybe one of my grandparents, or Tom. I was being five or six, and sitting on your mom or dad's lap, back when they were big enough to contain me completely.

It went beyond memories, though. Beyond any experience I'd ever had.

More than that, when I thought about it afterwards, was this physical and emotional warmth, but also this sudden feeling, this sense, of being held securely by Aftran. Then, there was this sense that I was completely safe. That the force-Aftran-behind this onslaught of emotions and good feelings and comfort and memories...would never hurt me.

Or Tom.

Not that I felt all of this at once. It started off slowly, gradually. Probably, because Aftran knew I might freak out if it was too sudden, even though it was supposed to be a good experience.

At first, as the hug progressed, there was just this continued, enormous, sense of warmth and safety.

Beyond that, it really felt like a hug. Well, in my mind, anyway.

The realization that Aftran, a Yeerk, was the cause behind this didn't exactly break me from the hug's power, but it reminded me that I was still Jake. The trance, I guessed, dropped as the time passed, but I remained all too aware of the good parts coming from the hug. Aftran must have loosened her hug grip around my mind, or whatever you'd call it, because I still felt safe and protected, but it wasn't as overpowering.

To be honest, I was sort of relieved. Made it easier to think, this way.

(Wow,) I laughed, aware that I still had full control over my body, and, in spite of everything, felt relieved. (Okay. That wasn't too terrible.)

Aftran laughed, gently. (Yes.) After a moment, she added, just as kindly, (You and your brother have a similar sense of humor.)

I laughed. (Yeah.) Then, (So, it's always like that?) I wondered.

(It depends. I vary the strength of the hug depending on what Tom needs, at the time,) she explained, simply. (At the beginning of his infestation, I started off very slowly. Perhaps a 1 or 2 on the scale of 1 to 10. Now, he's closer to a 3 or a 4. A 4.5 if he's had a particularly horrible nightmare. What Temrash and Gariss did to his mind...well, I focus on helping him feel safe, and allowing his emotions to settle. Stronger hugs do worked more effectively, more quickly, but it also can cause him greater anxiety. Fear.)

(Because of the power he knew you had over him?) I guessed.

Not that he hadn't already known.

(Yes, to an extent. I wanted to be as gentle with his mind as I could be, while still helping him. Your brother had a long way to go before he could trust me. Not that I could fault him for this. But, the human mind has to adapt. What could be sufficient for one host-one person-at level 2 or 3 might be overwhelming for someone who only prefers level 1, or level 1.5,) Aftran explained. (But, Tom and I...we've reached a good balance, over the last few months. I can give him the support he needs without overdoing it, or withholding what he needs.)

I nodded, a little. It had been almost three months, by now.

(What was that? The one you gave me?) I asked her. Still feeling the effects of it. Had to be at least an 8.

(That was just under a 4,) Aftran replied, smiling at me. (I wanted it to be strong enough for you to be immersed in it, but not so strong that it felt overpowering. Besides, your mind is far less damaged than Tom's was, so I knew I could start higher.)

That had been a 4?

(Wow. What's a ten like?)

Not that I wanted a ten. A four had been pretty amazing, and even now, Aftran was still holding me in her mind.

Aftran paused, just for a moment. (Someone whose mind was shattered.)

(Shattered?) I echoed.

She gave me a mental nod. (It's extremely rare, but it happens. Tom was broken, but broken hosts can be, if you want to borrow a human phrase, put back together. A shattered host...they will die without a Yeerk. Their only body functions are involuntary ones. There's almost no person there, in their mind.)

(How close was Tom to being shattered?) I asked, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.

Aftran hesitated, again. (Temrash was awful, but he was a typical empire Yeerk. Break a resistant host, or let them become broken as they lose all hope, but after that, ignore them. Gariss was a torturer. Tom was already broken when Gariss entered his mind, and he made sure that nearly every moment that Tom's mind was awake, he was in a living hell.)

I closed my eyes. Felt a tear creep through, anyway. (I should have saved him earlier.)

(There was no way to do so, and protect him,) Aftran reminded me. (He doesn't blame you, Jake.)

(H-how long would he have had if—?) I pressed.

(A year, most likely. Maybe less. Maybe, a little longer,) she told me.

I stared down at my feet for awhile, not talking. Feeling the warmth of the hug fade from my mind, in more ways than one.

Still. Feeling a little more trusting of my mind, and my body, in Aftran's hands, I spoke up, wanting to experience more of what Tom did with her. Or, even, what she thought would be a good idea for me to experience while she was in my head.

(What else do you two do?)

(Well,) Aftran began. (Right now, you're in full control. Sometimes, we operate under loose control. That's when I am using his body, but he can intervene without any effort on his part. He told you about this, I believe?)

(Yeah.) I hesitated. I didn't want to give up control, even if it wouldn't really be giving it up. From what Aftran and Tom had told me, even if Aftran used my body-in this mode-I could still use it, without needing to fight her.

(I won't do anything you're not comfortable with, Jake,) she reassured me, again. (If you want to stay like this and talk for awhile, we can do that. Just allowing me to enter your head, and give you a mental hug, was a huge step for you. Especially considering I had to take full control in order to access your mind.)

I considered, again. (No, I think I want to,) I told her. (I mean, Tom and you do this, and I want to see what it's like.)

(All right. But if you change your mind, at any point, let me know, and I will stop,) she promised me.

I felt a shift, as my body passed from me to her. At the same time, I knew that it hadn't been taken from me. I still felt everything. When Aftran moved my hands, I tried to move them in the opposite direction, and could. Without any real effort. I changed the direction that she'd moved my head. It was all as easy as if she hadn't been there, or if she'd given me full control. I experimented with other parts of my body, all without any difficulty.

I relaxed after that, settling back in my mind, letting her take over. Not that we were doing very much. Sitting down on the couch in the living room, curled up against Tom. Even so, there was a lot of ways for either of us to move my body without really disrupting this seating arrangement, and having "fought" with her on each of them, I was content to remain sitting next to Tom, my mind "resting" as I continued to understand what it was like for Tom to live this way.

The only thing left, I knew, would be for Aftran to take full control. I'd experienced three days of that with Temrash. Tom had endured nearly three years of it with his other Yeerks. Aftran still needed to push Tom in a corner of his mind, taking full control, for Sharing meetings and trips to the Yeerk Pool. He hated it-she hated it. But it was safer to do it than not to.

Aftran listened to these thoughts, not making any comments. I could feel her emotions, if I pressed, but I wanted to show her the same respect she was giving me. What she didn't want me to see, I wouldn't try to look for.

(You've already been through that,) she reminded me, her voice soft. Kind. Sympathetic, even.

(Yeah, but...not with a decent Yeerk,) I acknowledged.

Of course, being a slave in your own head was still being a slave. Not being able to do anything on your own, without your Yeerk choosing to do it, couldn't be anything except horrible, right? No matter who the Yeerk was.

Being tied up in your head is still being tied up.

Helpless.

A slave.

(Jake,) Aftran reminded me. (I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to. I'm certainly not going to ask you to give me full control over your body.)

I was about to let the subject drop, when I remembered earlier. Aftran had taken full control when she'd entered my head. She'd needed to. What if I said no, and that was how I remembered it? If she took full control now, just for a minute or less, I could experience it without the horrible sudden random paralysis.

I could see what Tom went through during those trips to the Yeerk Pool and the Sharing meetings.

Wasn't that part of the reason I'd let Aftran in my head? To go through what my brother did? The good, and the bad?

(No. Do it,) I told her.

(Are you sure, Jake?) Aftran pressed.

(Yes.) I clenched my teeth.

(Okay.) Aftran gave me a mental nod. (Do you...want me to count to three?)

(Yes.)

The anticipation would be worse, but at least, it wouldn't feel so sudden.

(One. Two. Three,) Aftran recited, gently.

On three, I became a prisoner in my mind.

If I wanted to scream, I couldn't. And boy, at that moment, did I ever. I couldn't do anything, not even blink. I remembered this from before, with sudden horror. Three days of being the prisoner of Temrash. It didn't matter, then, that my mind was telling me it was Aftran, not Temrash, who was controlling my body completely.

I still wanted to scream.

I forced myself to relax, mentally, not to beg Aftran to release me from this prison. Or, almost worse, not to give me another mental hug, because then, I'd associate it with this.

(It's okay, Jake. It's okay,) she murmured. (Are you sure you don't want me to let go?)

I did...but I didn't.

(Not yet.)

After a few seconds of sitting there, imprisoned, I noticed, with relief, to see that I could still feel everything. Not like when Aftran had first entered my ear and needed to take full control. Okay, so I couldn't do anything, but I could feel everything as acutely as I did before.

At my confusion, Aftran spoke up.

(Yes, I don't "mute" the senses that Tom experiences,) she explained. (It's a little more difficult, that way, but it's much easier for him, so, of course, I always control him in that manner.)

I nodded, mentally. Still, as the seconds ticked by, I was all too aware of being a mental prisoner in my head. At the same time, having full access to my senses made it feel more as though there was an invisible wall I was standing behind than being tied to a chair. It was like there was a physical barrier preventing me from doing anything, but the presence of my senses wasn't muted, as a result.

It was still so claustrophobic. I wanted, desperately, to move, to do anything. How had I managed three days with Temrash? Had I blocked that part out? I'd remembered reading about people who blocked out traumatic events. They had no memory of what had happened, afterwards. I was sure I remembered everything with Temrash, but now, going through it again.

It was like holding your breath under water. As soon as your head went down, your lungs seemed to burn for air. It was like my mind was burning. I kept trying not to think that there wasn't a single part of my body that wasn't under Aftran's control. I could do nothing.

It seemed to get worse by the second.

(Okay, Jake,) Aftran told me, her voice kind, but firm. (I'm going to let go, now.)

(Aftran, it's been less than a minute,) I protested.

As suffocating as this felt, I felt that I should experience it for longer.

For Tom's sake.

(Jake, no!) Aftran answered, sternly. (Tom would not want this for you. He would not want you to suffer simply to be in solidarity with him.)

With that, she dropped control.

I couldn't say I was disappointed. Air seemed to rush back into my lungs. My eyes moved when I told them to.

I also felt stupid. Like a dumb kid.

(Jake.) I felt Aftran reach out to me, hug me again, just as strong as before. (You are anything but a "dumb kid". You, your brother, and Cassie are among the bravest people I know.)

I felt myself relax into the hug. (Thanks,) I mumbled.

We passed a couple more minutes like that. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if I was hugging Aftran back. If I knew how to. Probably not. I figured I was just experiencing the hug that she was giving me, and wanting it to go on.

How long did they usually last? Was it something that a Yeerk could do for their host for hours, even days, on end?

We remained like that for awhile. Like the previous night, when Tom had rubbed my back and then tucked me in, I felt safe. Was this how Tom felt, under Aftran? Even when she had to imprison him in his own mind? Because, having suffered through two horrible Yeerks, he knew that she-at least-wouldn't hurt him? Wouldn't use his body to try to imprison his parents and his younger brother?

(Yes,) Aftran answered. (He doesn't enjoy it, but he knows that I don't take full control unless I absolutely have to. And, yes, Jake, he trusts me.)

I nodded. (I guess, also, it gets easier with time.)

Aftran paused before responding. (It does. Maybe, it shouldn't need to. But humans are very adaptable creatures, and what may have felt unimaginable a few months ago can now feel like the norm.)

(Like torture under his other Yeerks?) I guessed.

(I don't think he ever got used to that,) Aftran corrected me, gently. (But infestation as a whole, yes.)

I nodded, again. (I know Tom trusts you. Cassie does, too. With their minds. I-no offense, Aftran, I'm glad we did this, but I kind of prefer you outside of my head. And definitely not taking control.) I paused. (The mental hugs aren't too bad.)

She laughed. (Yes, Tom enjoys them, too. They make my needing to take full control a lot more bearable.)

(Are there other things you can do? That you do for Tom?) I asked, a little awkwardly.

(Music,) she answered. (But, that would put you to sleep. Pleasant memories-but that would require my searching yours, and I know how you feel about that.)

(Yeah,) I agreed. (Having experienced that with Temrash-no thanks.)

Aftran was quiet, for a few seconds. (You remember how vivid they were, though? When he played them?)

She wasn't probing into my thoughts or memories, I knew. She could simply tell what I was thinking, because I was recalling those events.

(Yeah?)

(The good ones...they are amplified, too,) she explained. (It's not something I attempted with Tom right away, because of his state of mind. I needed to use what I knew would work for him. What was safe. Over time, though, I could try it. Carefully, because good memories can trigger awful ones in hosts-in human minds-like his. I want you to know, Jake, that it's working.)

(I'm glad,) I whispered. (I want him to get better. Do you think-?)

Aftran gave a mental nod, to herself, knowing what I was asking.

(I know that he will only continue to improve,) Aftran promised me. (He loves you very, very much, Jake. You are the most important person to him in the world.)

I smiled at her. (I love him, too.)

(Should I leave your head, now?) she asked, gently.

(Yeah, I think so. Thank you, Aftran,) I added. (I never thought I'd be doing this, you know?)

(I know. You've been courageous, Jake. Just like your brother. I'm-I'm proud of you. Both of you. And, Jake? He's so proud of you, too.)

With that, she began to disconnect from my head. Once she was out, I held her in my hand, for a few seconds, before giving her back to Tom. I felt him wrap an arm around my shoulder, again.

"You okay?" he asked me.

I nodded, smiling at Tom. "I can see why you and Cassie like her," I told him. "But, don't worry. I'm not going to ask to share in your custody arrangement."

He snickered, then placed Aftran to his ear. "I totally get it if you want to keep whatever you talked about between you, but I'm here if you want to tell me about it."

"Thanks." Feeling drained, suddenly, I leaned against Tom. "Maybe later? I'm...kind of tired."

"Sure, Midget." Tom wrapped both arms around me. "It can be pretty draining, even with the good ones," he recalled. He lifted one arm, just long enough to pull a blanket around me. Well, around us. I smiled to myself. I needed to start accepting this, more. From Tom, anyway. "Mind if I watch some TV while you take a nap?"

I shook my head, then stretched my legs out under the blanket, resting my head on his shoulders. "Thanks, Tom. You know..."

Tom lifted an arm again, and I felt him tuck a piece of loose hair over my ear. Either I really needed a haircut, or this was another way Tom was letting me know he cared.

"No problem, Midget," he murmured, wrapping his arms around me, gently.

I let out a little sigh as I curled up against my brother. "Thanks," I repeated.

I heard him chuckle, felt him tighten his arms into a hug. Not a Yeerk hug, but pretty close. "No problem, Midget. Sleep well."

End