Chapter Text
Verblunget: (Yiddish: "Farblunget," "Farblondjet," etc.) Mixed up, turned around, hopelessly lost, having no idea where you're going.
"BANJO MAN"
[We open to a starry backdrop scribbled by first-graders. A floating paragraph scrolls down, as kazoos blast dramatic music.]
It is a period of unrest in the galaxy.
Peace with the putrid Kardashian Imperium is tested by rogue Federation colonists, who refuse to share literal space with the Golden-Spoon Heads.
Calling themselves the Mosquitos, they consider themselves freedom fighters against cheap #Drama.
But to the Kardashians and the United Federation of Freaks, they are pests.
[A Mosquito ship—shaped, cleverly, like a mosquito—speeds through space, pursued by what looks like a gawdy jeweled shoe with a rocket booster at the end of its spike heel. Alarms blare on the smoking Mosquito ship. The smoke clears, as Commander Chevrolet shoots up in his seat, smacking right into the camera/viewscreen. His psychedelic shooting-star tattoo leaves a blue mark on the glass. Shaking it off, Chevrolet gets back to piloting his ship. The viewscreen comes on, revealing the Kardashian captain, Gul Omelet.]
Gul Omelet: Mosquito ship! Surrender, imprudent insects!
[Commander Chevrolet is silent, but his face says "suck my balls." He picks up the remote and turns off the view screen. This is followed by a blast of pure #Drama! from the Kardashian vessel, which sends the Mosquito ship spiraling into a strange pink nebula.]
Chevrolet: B'Zooka, get the proton-tortillas back online so we can fire back! Tupok, where the hell are we, Candy Mountain?
[As he speaks, a giant strawberry bounces off his window. We cut to Tupok: a Vulcan wearing sunglasses, and a large purple bandanna tied in the front.]
Tupok: Indeed, Commander. A nebula of expired strawberry yogurt, to be precise.
B'Zooka Tourguide: How do these drama queens always know where to find us? You'd think we had a spy on board!
[Tupok swaps a glance with Salsa—a dark-haired woman with a gray scaly neck, whose face is covered by a large cardboard smiley-face mask.]
Tupok: Anyway Boss, the strawberry asteroids threaten to crush our hulls, the Kardashians block our only escape, an alien vessel is about to spirit us away to the other side of the galaxy, and I'm a Vulcan, with nothing interesting to say.
Chevrolet: ….Frak.
[A huge flash of light ends the scene.]
EARTH - PRISON:
[In the 24th Century Utopia of Earth, the Federation still dumps all of its criminals in Australia. One of these is Tim Parsnip.]
Warden: All right prisoners, fall in!
Tim Parsnip: You got it boss!
[Parsnip theatrically falls backwards into one of the many holes the prisoners have been digging, to "build character."]
Warden: That's five stupid jokes in five minutes Parsnip. In the box!
[Parsnip is yanked out of the hole and tossed into a large wooden box. As soon as the warden is gone, there comes a knock at the door. Tim peers through the crescent-shaped window.]
Parsnip: What do you want—Holy hair!
[Before him stands a Star Freak captain with a gigantic Victorian bun.]
Captain Insaneway: Mr. Parsnip. I'm Captain Kaffynate Insaneway, star—[Cough] captain of the U.S.S. Verblunget. My Vulcanite sidekick disappeared with the Mosquito ship he was spying on. The captain of this Mosquito ship is one tree hugger by the name of Chevrolet. I hear-talk you and he might be acquainted?
Parsnip: Chevrolet… I won that game of Fizzbin fair and square, dammit! The game's not that complicated! Ooo I'll make him pay! –If there's something in it for me.
Insaneway: A free ticket out of that box, and a regular part on the newest Trek series.
Parsnip: …and my high school rival in shackles? I'm in!
FREAK SPACE NINE:
[We cut to a colossal apple slicer, with several starships docked around its handles and blades. Freak Space Nine currently hosts everything from the U.S.S. Boobyprize-DD, to the Millennium Falcon, to a delivery rocket named Old Bessie. Somewhere under the Lexx, between a Winnebago and a Yellow Submarine, is our "star" ship (you may now chuck tomatoes at your computer screen).]
QUORKSCREW'S BAR
[Quorkscrew's Bar caters to its usual clientele: Star Freak and Berserkan officers; a coupe of drunk Rumulans; a hookah-smoking Hutt, with a chained Salt Vampire in a gold bikini; Viper pilots, and Ice Pirates; a disheveled smugger and his Mawg copilot; Alf; the jellyfish Navigator from "Dune;" an undead Brunnen-Gee, and his blue-haired love slave; a giant chicken in Mandalorian armor; and Zorak, Locust of the Apocalypse. At the counter, Tim Parsnip is chatting with Ensign Fairly Dim. Nearby, the putrid Ferrari bartender is drying "Spaceballs: the Mug!"]
Ensign Fairly Dim: Wow, so we're gonna be the bromance of this new series! And you're the hotshot flyboy! I guess that makes me the dweeb…
[Behind them, Quorkscrew's ears and face perk at "dweeb," and a devious grin slowly takes up his face.]
Tim Parsnip: Hmm, we seem to be short one Wookie and one wise old fossil…
[Quorkscrew dashes over to Dim, and begins speaking a hundred words per minute.]
Quorkscrew: Sorry to interrupt Couldn't help overhearing you're new 'dweeb' You know that makes you about ten times more annoying and ten times more likely to be killed off in the first five minutes of the show How about a lovely stolen Clingon credit-card for Mom and Dad to remember you by? No? Well I also got a few Spice edibles off planet Dude, potent sh*t, and—what's this? Oh! A box of Molly O'Bugger's Girl Scout cookies, Peanut-butter Patties...!
[The poor ensign is backing away in his seat, terrified.]
Quorkscrew: …and the complete first season of "DarkWing Duck"—
Tim Parsnip: [Folds arms.] Aren't you in the wrong series?
[The Ferrari barkeep narrows his eyes at Tim, laughs nervously, and bolts away "Loony Tunes" style.]
U.S.S. VERBLUNGET - THE CAPTAIN'S READY-FOR-A-NEW-MISSION ROOM:
[Insaneway sits at a monitor, drinking coffee. On the screen is a smiling, gray-haired man in a nice suit and bowtie.]
Insaneway: Max, I know I'm not always the best at expressing it, but I do love you. You're the reason I get up in the morning.
Max: Awe Kaffynate, love you t—
Insaneway: Shut up I'm talking to my coffee. [Sips her Maxwell Coffee.]
Max: [Smiling, teary-eyed] I'm so blessed to be your butler, Kaffy. Maybe someday, you'll also marry me.
Insaneway: Uh-huh. Brush my dog Mocha and polish my prized gold-pressed-Latium coffee mug, and I'll think about it. Oh that reminds me, my crate of Limited-Edition Starbuck's "Caprica Blast" should have arrived. Bring it inside the house for me.
Max: On the double, Madam! And in the event that you never return from this mission, what should I do with that rare Caprica coffee, and your Latinum mug?
Insaneway: In that highly unlikely situation? Eh, you and Mocha can split my assets. But only if I've been gone long enough to be declared legally dead.
U.S.S. VERBLUNGET - SICKBAY:
Tim Parsnip: What's up Doc. I know the mission hasn't started yet, but my friend here's the Ensign, so we figured it can't hurt to get him checked for alien parasites or—
Dr. Crewmen: Well, well, apparently Star Freak doesn't mind if you kill three crewmen while attempting wheelies around a singularity. Just be an admiral's son and have a few witty one-liners up your sleeve, and you're promoted to Series Regular, with as many extra lives as Kenny from "South Park!"
Fairly Dim: Wait, how many lives does the Ensign get?
Parsnip: Eh, 'couple Crewmen. Whaddaya want, you guys are fragile. One exploding console, and you guys go down faster than Storm Troopers!
[They leave the enraged and ill-fated doctor, and go to the bridge, to meet the captain.]
BRIDGE:
[Captain Insaneway is talking captainly business with her first officer, Commander Crewman, and helmswoman, Lt. Crewman.]
Insaneway: …I mean I'm wearing a red shirt, aren't I? It doesn't mean anything anymore.
Dim: Reporting for du-du-duuu…?
Insaneway: Ensign, at ease before you sprain something.
Dim: Captain, what massive hair you have!… I-I mean yes sir—ma'am—uh, Captain?
Parsnip: [To Lt. Crewmen] Hruh-hruh… Hey baby, I'm like, a rebel flyboy and stuff.
Lt. Crewman: Might wanna brace for impact Flyboy. We're entering the Pink Yogurt Nebula, and it's-gon-na-be-a-bump-y-ri-i-ide….!
[The ship begins to bounce and shake, as it's showered by giant strawberries]
Insaneway: Oh, frell! The only thing that kills more crewmen than an exploding console is—
Bumpety-bumpety-FLASH OF LIGHT!
[The Bridge is smoking, splattered with pink yogurt. Little fires and pieces giant strawberries are everywhere. Everyone who has not been billed in the opening credits is now dead. Insaneway pushes herself up from the floor with a groan.]
Insaneway: …a bumpy starship. [Takes the pulse of Commander Crewman, whose head is under a giant strawberry.] That's the only thing that kills more extras than exploding consoles.
Parsnip: …Lieutenant, I know you Babezoids disdain non-telepaths, but the silent treatment's a bit harsh!
Insaneway: She's dead you idiot.
Lt. Crewman: [Cross-eyed, tongue hanging out]
Parsnip: Oh.
Dim: [Typing furiously with his pointer fingers] Captain, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore! We've been thrown to the other side of the galaxy! OW! And I've just sprained my finger! [Still typing]
Parsnip: Sickbay. Come on.
[Dim continues "typing" in the air for a few more seconds, as Parsnip pulls him away.]
SICKBAY:
Parsnip: Ding, dong, the doctor's dead! Computer, activate Emergency Regular Character.
[The E.R.C. materializes. He looks indistinguishable from a human, save the large green "H" on his forehead.]
The Doctor: Call me Doc, or The Doctor. As my programming commands, I will try to save any injured person, regardless of their odds of survival. Even if their rank is "Crewman."
Tim Parsnip: Nice to meetcha' The Doctor. Dim here's down a digit. Think you can—
[Everyone besides The Doctor is suddenly beamed away.]
The Doctor: Aaaall righty then.
[The holo-Doc pulls out a Trek magazine, and unfolds a poster in the middle. It shows a blonde cyborg beauty in a silver catsuit, with a logo on the chest reading 7Up Free (of the Collective).]
The Doctor: Sigh, three more seasons to go...
HOLOGRAPHIC FARM:
Insaneway: Ensign, are you sure we're not in Kansas?
[Farmers dance a circle around the crew, while an old hillbilly plays a banjo.]
Dim: According to my tricorder, we're inside a holo-creation of a hillbilly cookout party, but we're really on an alien vessel. And we're still lightyears away from home.
Parsnip: [Folding his arms] So, what you're saying is….there's food here.
[Parsnip, Dim, and Insaneway exchange a glance, then make a mad dash to the house to raid the 'fridge.]
Insaneway: …Corn-cakes, please let there be corn-cakes…What the frak?!
[The refrigerator is a doorway to an alien laboratory! The Mosquito crew lies on rows of tables, wearing nothing but thin sheets.]
Insaneway: Tupok! He's alive! Are they restrained to those tables with some invisible alien technology?
Banjo Man: Nope. They're just scared ta' move, or those blankets will fall off and you'll lose your G-rating. Heeere's yer sign!
[He tosses Insaneway a sign which reads, "I'M STUPID." One flash of light later, the Star Freaks are in the same position as the Mosquitos. For balls knows what reason, the Banjo Man's experiment involves giant, fetish-y bellybutton piercings.]
Fairly Dim: OOOOWWIIIEEE! OOOWWWW—Is that Hello Kitty? [Looking at his new piercing]
Insaneway: What the frak do we need flu shots in our belly-buttons for?!
UPN: Because it's 1994 and DeviantArt hasn't been invented yet. Be grateful you're not being turned into inflated blue hedgehogs.
Insaneway: Can't we just go shopping for Wonder Bread or somethi—YEEOOOWWWFUCKINFRAK... [Receiving a piercing with a little combadge on it]
VERBLUNGET'S BRIDGE:
[One commercial break later, they're back in their ship (and clothes). On the view screen is a vast and complex alien Array, built from massive marshmallows and giant toothpicks. The crew examines the Array, and their new bellybutton piercings.]
Parsnip: So apparently, this alien was able to return us to our exact stations with all our clothes back on, but forgot to return Ensign Dim. I got a "mustache" for my piercing though!
Insaneway: Wha-? D'oh! Is that blood-sucking Mosquito crew awake? Hail them!
[The Mosquitos appear onscreen]
Insaneway: Commander Cadillac!
Chevrolet: Chevrolet. [Drumming fingers impatiently.]
Insaneway: One of our crew-members is still on that Array thing…
Chevrolet: For real? Ours too. Our engineer, B'Zooka Tourguide.
Insaneway: Really? Huh. Well come aboard, let's have some coffee or something. Bring some crewmen.
[Chevrolet, Tupok, and a crewman beam aboard. Chevrolet and Tupok are armed with phaser-rifles, while the crewmen tries to look badass with a squirt-gun. The Star Freak yellowshirt at the Security Station tries to look MORE badass with his own squirt gun.]
Insaneway: Tupok, it's good to see you alive old friend.
Tupok: Commander Chevrolet, I must inform you that I am not, as I've pretended, fighting the Kardashians to preserve the integrity of entertainment. [Unties bandanna.] On my home planet of Vulcanite, "Tupok" means "Logic-Bomb." [Tupok removes his sunglasses—with style!] I am, in fact… an agent of Star Freak.
[No one cares.]
Chevrolet: Helloooo Parsnip.
Parsnip: Wuzzup, Chevie old boy. Still soar about losing your piece pipe to me in that high-school Fizzbin tournament?
Chevrolet: Tim-Tim. Still soar about me dumping you right before 'Prom for my new girlfriend, Salsa?
[Tim Parsnip lunges at Chevrolet, who eagerly readies his gun. Insaneway steps between them.]
Insaneway: Interesting facial-art there, Commander! Let me guess a...butterfly?
[Chevrolet stares at her. The awkward silence is broken when a bizarre creature—resembling a cross between a tropical fish and Sloth from "The Goonies—leaps down from nowhere, and crushes them all in a hug, while wagging its tail.]
Nutmix: Oh muy muy, me looove you! Mesa Nutmix! My no thinkin' yousa should all be fighting and trying to kill each other. Let's all be bestest-best friends! Let's sing: I love yoooou, you hate meee, wesa one happy familyyyy…
Insaneway: [Crushed voice] Fine—release us—and we're all friends.
Nutmix: Okey-day!
[Nutmix releases them, but not before accidently snapping the Star Freak crewman's neck. The Mosquito crewman meanwhile has been literally smothered. Both expendables flop to the floor. No one cares.]
Insaneway: [Re-adjudging her bun] Now then, we need to find our missing people.
Nutmix: Oooh! Let's start with mesa mail-order-bride, Kiesh. She's on da planet Oompa-Loompa, and that's where yousa missing friends will be. They'sa being held by the Banjo Man. He's the big boss of all the Oompa-Loompas. My take you there! [More tail wagging]
[Chevrolet raises his large gun, but Insaneway reluctantly stops him.]
Insaneway: All right. Mr. Chevrolet and I will have a word with this Banjo Man. Someone will have to stay aboard Verblunget and keep an eye on Mr. Nutmix here…
Parsnip: [Quickly] Captain, I uh, feel responsible for Fairly's safety, I better go with you.
Insaneway: All right. Mr. Tupok, you have the bridge. And the….thing. [Gestures to Nutmix.]
[Insaneway, Chevrolet, and Parsnip beam away.]
Nutmix: Oh this is great Mr. Boredom! We can stay up late, swap manly stories, and in the morning, I'm makin' waffles!
Tupok: ….
BACK ON THE LITERAL RANCH:
Insaneway: We've got a bone to pick with you, Banjo Man! Now, I don't know what kind of idiotic Science Fair project involves kidnapping people from across the galaxy, sticking them in a "Dukes of Hazard" episode, and subjecting them to a stupid internet fetish, but—
Banjo Man: Ooooh, so my project's "idiotic" is it? [Begins quietly playing "Dueling Banjos"] Tell me Captain, what was your ship's last mission, before I captured y'all?
Insaneway: Well to, to capture Mr. Chevrolet and his crew. [To Chevrolet.] Nothing personal.
Banjo Man: Uh-huh... And you were doing that with a...military vessel?
Insaneway: A um, a science vessel actually. But capturing outlaws involves lots of strategic, scientific, um—
Banjo Man: ...a science vessel with how many brig cells?
["Dueling Banjos" gets louder.]
Parsnip: Ooo, I know this one! One! Verblunget has...uh...one brig cell.
Banjo Man: ...aaaaand where exactly were ya planning on puttin' all them Mosquito scallywags once you captured 'em, Captain?
[Chevrolet and Parsnip stare inquisitively at Insaneway, who gapes in shock and rage. Banjo Man is now playing with aggressive triumph.]
Banjo Man: He-he-hee…heeeeere's yer sign!
FLASH!
[The three are back on Verblunget's bridge. Insaneway looks down to see that she is holding another "I'M STUPID" sign.]
Nutmix: Mr. Boredom and my are bestest-best friends now!
[Nutmix tosses confetti into the air. He and Tupok are wearing party hats. The Vulcanite is clearly not amused. Tupok raises an eyebrow at Insaneway's "I'M STUPID" sign. She tosses it away and folds her arms.]
Insaneway: He-hem. Apparently Verblunget has been chasing a crew of 30+ outlaws with only one brig cell, Mr. Tupok.
Tupok: …There may have been a miscommunication regarding what type of "Mosquitos" I was studying for capture.
PLANET OOMPA-LOOMPA: UNDERGROUND
[Fairly Dim and B'Zooka Tourguide wake up in an alien hospital, sporting assless hospital gowns and some nasty alien acne. They are tended by Oompa-Loompans—who, contrary to their name, resemble fair elven people.]
Fairly Dim: I don't remember being sent to a hospital, or getting these giant mosquito bites. [Gasps, and points at B'Zooka.] YOU'RE a Mosquito! YOU bit me! But you're also a Clingon, so that means you want to mate! But I'm not dressed for a date. I need a tie, or at least some pants…
B'Zooka Tourguide: We've been abducted by aliens, dimwit. Obviously we're both violently allergic to pixie dust.
[The Oompa-Loompans are affronted.]
Fairly Dim: …Oh.
B'Zooka: Well come on! Let's get out of here before they try to give us anal probes.
[B'Zooka grabs the confused ensign by the arm and pulls him up a nearby ladder.]
Oompa-Loompan Nurse: Wait a minute, the Banjo Man didn't authorize that—
[B'Zooka grabs the nurse with her free arm and flips her over, into the opposite wall.]
Oompa-Loompa Nurse: [Quietly] Okie-dokie.
PLANET OOMPA-LOOMPA: THE SURFACE
[Nutmix leads Insaneway, Chevrolet, Tupok, Parsnip, and one crewman from the Star Freak and Mosquito crew each, across the desert planet. As they trek through the sand, a giant sandworm bursts out of a dune with a roar and eats the Star Freak crewman. The Mosquito one turns to look, and doesn't see the monster truck of Road Warriors until they plow him down. No one notices.]
Nutmix: This-sa desert planet is swarmin' with ugly aliens, who capture pretties like us for slaves!
Parsnip: Cough Tatooine, Cough-he-hem rip-off.
[The group is suddenly surrounded by a gang of humanoids with giant croutons, mushrooms, and other salad ingredients growing out of their misshapen heads.]
Maj Room: "Rip-off" is correct! We are the Kroutons, and we abhor originality! We roam desert planets terrorizing the inhabitants, just like the Sand People from "Star Wars;" we capture beautiful women and enslave them, until they agree to marry us, just like Disney villains; and now, we wish to rip-off whatever it is that makes you unique!
Insaneway: Well our series just started, we really don't have any—
Nutmix: They'sa got technology to create coffee outta' thin air!
[Everyone in the group glares furiously at Nutmix.]
Maj Room: Give up the goods or be vaporized!
Nutmix: Don't worry everybody! My gettin' us outta this mess!
[Nutmix whips out a gun and pulls the trigger. A tiny flag that says "Bang!" pops out.]
Nutmix: ….
[A brawl breaks out. Meanwhile, a blonde woman with pointed ears emerges from the Kruton's house with a push-broom. She is dressed in rags, Dutch wooden shoes, and a hair bow. This is KIESH. As they fight, she sweeps away the blood and severed limbs. She also sings:]
Kiesh: Some daaay my cook will come, some daaaay he'll find me….
Maj Room: [Covering his ears] Stop that, slave! I said no more singing! NO SINGING!
Kiesh: [Dancing with her broom.] …A dream is a wiiish your heart maaakes…once upooon a dreeeam…
Krutons: STOP! NO MORE SINGING! NO MOOOOOORAAAAAAARRRGH….
[As Kiesh sings, all of the Krutons' heads explode or crumble away, like "Raiders of the Lost Ark." The heroes stare at Kiesh.]
Kiesh: My people have powerful telepathic abilities, which I'm only beginning to explore. But there's no time to talk! Follow me down to Oompa Loompa city, and we'll find your friends!
Insaneway: Insaneway to Crewman Wilson, beam us all to the center of the planet.
Crewman Wilson: Ay Captain. Six to beam down! Let's see, I think it's this button—YAAAAA!
[A zapping sound is heard as Crewman Wilson is fried.]
Insaneway: [Sigh] Expendables. Tupok, remind me to find us some recurring characters to handle our technical situations, so we don't have this problem every five minutes.
[Kiesh and Nutmix exchange a nervous glance.]
THE CAVES!
[Kiesh—now dressed vaguely like Tinkerbell—leads the gang down ancient fire escapes, through rocky tunnels.]
Kiesh: Don't touch this force-field. We've been told it will burn your skin off.
Parsnip: Fish-fry! [Shoves Nutmix into the force-field, electrocuting him.]
Fairly Dim: We're up here, on the fire escape! But I'm injured! My very first mission, and I'm gonna die. If only I had some Clingon blood in me…
B'Zooka Tourguide: He scraped his knee.
[The group hurries up the fire escape to save Tourguide and Dim. But just as they get close, the cave begins to shake and tremble, and rocks start falling from the ceiling!]
Insaneway: What now?!
[Down below is Indiana Jones, standing next to an empty pedestal, holding the Berserkan Orb of Crossovers.]
Indiana Jones: Sorry 'bout that. [Dips fedora.]
[Indy is soon occupied by a giant rolling boulder. Insaneway rolls her eyes. More rocks fall; Chevrolet gets the worst of it.]
Chevrolet: AH SH F$*K DAMMIT GAHAHAAAD-DAMN THAT F*&^5ING HURTS—I mean…my leg is broken. I can't move.
[Even more rocks fall, smashing the fire escape. Chevrolet is now dangling from the balcony, like Mufasa!]
Chevrolet: Go on without me!
Insaneway, Tupok, Dim, B'Zooka, Nutmix and Kiesh: Okay!
[They run up the fire escape.]
Chevrolet: …
[Suddenly, the "Indiana Jones" theme trumpets from nowhere. Parsnip swings down from a rope, and lands next to Chevrolet. He hooks his arm around the tattooed hunk for a rescue.]
Parsnip: My name's Tim Parsnip, I'm here to rescue you!
Chevrolet: Why risk your life for me Parsnip? I hate you and you hate me.
Parsnip: True. On the other hand, if I save your life, your butt belongs to me!
Chevrolet: Wat.
Parsnip: If a white antihero rescues a sexy Indian in the desert, they are to be wedded in a teepee the following morning! That's your tribe's custom, isn't it?
Chevrolet: Only if my savior is a member of the opposite sex!
Parsnip: I don't believe yo—WOW you're heavy—Woops! Frak.
Chevrolet: AAAAAaaaaa….
Parsnip: ...
THE SURFACE:
[Tim climbs out of the pothole and joins the others. A minute later, Chevrolet comes flying out and lands on his feet next to them.]
Chevrolet: Either the Great Spirit put that giant trampoline right under me, or I'm going to be a regular character on a new TV series.
Insaneway: Hmm… [Stroking a phantom beard.]
U.S.S. VERBLUNGET – SICKBAY
[Everyone is healed. Fairly Dim is back in his Star Freak uniform, and B'Zooka has her Mosquito outfit and red cowgirl boots.]
Insaneway: I need to have a word with that Banjo Man! Kodiaq or whatever your name is, can you hold off those Kroutons with your Mosquito ship?
Chevrolet: Please, Kodiaq is my father. But I'll happily toast some Kroutons for you!
The Doctor: I strongly recommend using oven mitts—
[Insaneway pounds the off-switch on the wall, dematerializing him.]
ARRAY – IN THE BARN
[Banjo Man sits on a block of hay, playing "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" on his banjo. The barn door creaks open, to reveal Insaneway, Tupok, and the holo-hillbillies. The hillbillies have power tools and painting supplies. Insaneway tells Tupok, "You know what to do." Tupok lingers behind to instruct the hillbillies, while Insaneway goes on into the barn.]
Insaneway: He-EM.
Banjo Man: Oh, you again. What do you want, another sign?
[Behind them, the hillbillies take one of the huge barn doors off of its hinges, and start painting something on it, as Tupok directs them.]
Insaneway: My security officer told me an interesting theory about you, Banjo Man. For reasons that weren't funny enough for this parody to spend time on, Tupok over there believes you're dying. He thinks that you're capturing aliens because you're looking for a mate, in order to sire an heir to continue that "debt" you won't shut up about.
Banjo Man: [Stops playing his banjo.] We were just trying to make some crop circles, like advanced aliens do. But…well you know when you're carving out a picture in the cornfield, but one side isn't quite right, so you try to take a little off…
[In the background, Tupok gives an "OK" sign to the painting hillbillies, and comes to stand beside Insaneway.]
Banjo Man: …but then the other side is too small, so you take some off of that side, but it's too much again…? Well soon we'd taken off all the vegetation on the planet. Now that my wife's divorced me, I'm searching for a new mate, so I can produce offspring to take my place in caring for the Oompa Loompa.
Insaneway: I understand, that makes sense. Oh wait, no, it doesn't make any sense at all, Banjo Man! First off, why did you only leave a 5-year supply of food for the Oompa Loompas? Yeah, they live short lives, but five years for them is still only one generation! Why not say, a 50-year supply?
Banjo Man: Well I uh…guess I never thought about…
Insaneway: And if you're powerful enough to drag ships across the galaxy, Banjo-Boob, why not just lift all the Oompa Loompas up from this desert wasteland and send them to a lush green world, far away from hostile neighbors?
Banjo Man: Well I …
[Tupok raises and eyebrow at Insaneway, actually impressed. Behind them, the hillbillies are almost finished with their project, now drying the painted barn door with a giant fan. Insaneway pretends to turn away, then puts her pointer finger in the air, and turns back around.]
Insaneway: Oh, and uh... [scratches her bun] ...just one more thing. If you're looking for a mate to produce offspring with, then why are you kidnapping males?
[Banjo Man's head is shaking, as smoke rises from his ears.]
Tupok: From species that are evolutionarily insects compared to yourself, no less?
[Banjo Man is now whistling like a teapot. The hillbillies haul over the finished painted barn door, and hand it over to Insaneway and Tupok.]
Insaneway: Heeeeere's your sign!
[Insaneway and Tupok heave the giant, neon-yellow, "I'M STUPID!" sign at the shaking, smoking, ringing Banjo Man. As soon as it hits his head, he melts into a blob of purple Jell-O. Then that Jell-O turns into a purple potato, sitting in the middle of the barn's hay floor. Ethereal music plays, as Insaneway gently picks up the potato. She and Tupok look at each other.]
10 MINUTES LATER
[Insaneway and Tupok are at the hillbilly cookout, splitting a purple baked potato.]
Insaneway: …so if this Array remains up, the Kroutons might use it to breach the Oompa-Loompa's barriers and take their water, or something.
Tupok: Given what we've seen of those stoned hemp-farmers, their extinction may be for the best.
Insaneway: True. But it might also mean the extinction of our series. Those Krouton inbreds live for "rip-offs," and I think they might be onto something.
Tupok: Captain?
Insaneway: Every Trek series after the first one has been a rip-off of another space show. "The Nth Generation" is a reboot of the Original Series; "Freak Space Nine" is a rip-off of "Babblebong 5." [Talks with mouth full] The next logical step is a "Lost in Space" rip-off.
Tupok: [Ponders silently in Vulcan]
MEANWHILE:
[Chevrolet is flying his Mosquito ship, firing lasers from its Mosquito snout at the attacking Kroutons.]
Chevrolet: Parsnip, tell one of your cracker Star Freak officers to keep a lock on me. When I say "Now," have them beam me back up!
Parsnip: Sure. But don't think this makes us even Chevrolet. You're still my bitch!
Chevrolet: I wouldn't have it any other way, Flyboy!
[Chevrolet drives his ship in a collision course for the Krouton ship.]
Chevrolet: Now!
[In Verblunget's transporter room, Crewman #35 presses a button and is electrocuted. Crewman #46 runs over to do the job, but trips over her body and fatally hits his head on the console, knocking it over and crushing Crewman #8.]
Chevrolet: I said now! NOW!... NOOOW!
[Tim Parsnip quickly runs over to the overturned console and hits the button, just as the Mosquito ship explodes. Chevrolet appears, blackened and smoking, and looking none-too-happy.]
Parsnip: The Captain's thinking about getting some recurring characters for these situations…
U.S.S. VERBLUNGET 'S BRIDGE:
[Everyone is on the bridge, except for Nutmix and Kiesh, who are nowhere to be seen, and The Doctor, who is turned off.]
Insaneway: Tupok, turn that Array into a Flambé!
B'Zooka: WTF? That lump of toothpicks is our only way home! Who is she to make this decision for all of us?
[Chevrolet, still covered in soot, grabs B'Zooka's arm]
Chevrolet: Forget it it Zooks, she's nuts.
Tupok: Preparing to flambé the Array. Locking fry-phasers…
Insaneway: Fire!
[The Array explodes in a fireball, sending flaming giant marshmallows on burned toothpicks raining down onto and into Verblunget.]
LATER
[Star Freak officers and Mosquito rebels munch giant roasted marshmallows on yard-long toothpicks. Fairly Dim has got his marshmallow stuck to his face. Tourguide begrudgingly picks her teeth with her giant toothpick, from were she sits next to the smiling Bear from "Harvey Birdman." Tim Parsnip sits with his feet up on the helm, noshing his slightly-flaming marshmallow like a corndog.]
Insaneway: [Dunking her marshmallow in coffee] I did what I had to, to save our series—er, the Oompa-Loompas. [No one is convinced.] Our two crews will work together to survive. Mr. Chevrolet, what would you say to ordering your Skeeters to don Star Freak uniforms, and being my first officer?
Chevrolet: Pfft, yeah right. [Munching marshmallow frybread]
Insaneway: Or you can all cram into that one brig cell for the next 75 years. And Mr. Parsnip will be your guard. [Finishes her marshmallow and tosses the stick behind her, impaling a crewman.]
Chevrolet: Sooo …which chair's mine, Boss?
Insaneway: [Triumphant grin]
Tupok: Captain, I have discovered two stowaways.
[Everyone looks over—including the Bear, who is now roasting that impaled crewman over a tiny fire. Tupok opens the lavatory door, and Kiesh and Nutmix tumble out.]
Nutmix: Captain, let us come with you! Yousa need a cook? My can make a casserole out of these flambéed marshy-mellows and wood-pretzels that'll have you salivating! Yousa need comic relief? Mesa a living Loony Tune!
[He grabs a giant marshmallow and toothpick to use as a hat and cane. While dancing stupidly, he trips and tumbles face-first over the railing.]
Kiesh: You need recreation? I grow all kinds of exotic plants that will make the journey far more magical!
[Everyone looks up sharply from their marshmallows. Chevrolet seems particularly interested.]
Insaneway: How about coffee beans?
Kiesh: Coffee beans, magic beans, Sean Beans, oh, please just don't send me back to Oompa Loompa. I've spent my whole life longing to see the surface, and become paaart oooof yoooour wooooorld….
Insaneway: [Slowly rolls eyes, and drops into a double-face-palm.] Roddenberry help me… [She regains her composure, and turns to face her entire new crew.] All right. We have a new ragtag crew, and our first episode's almost finished. Time for my inspirational, start-of-the-series speech!
[The entire new crew drops everything and stands at attention. Bar Nutmix and Kiesh, all are now suddenly in Star Freak uniforms. Insaneway paces regally past her new uniformed crewmembers: Commander Chevrolet; Lt. Tupok; the Bear; B'Zooka Tourguide; Fairly Dim; Ensign Salsa (still in her smiley-face mask); Lt. Boo (a giant chicken); Ensign Spam Wildthing; a blue Bowlian crewman; Lt. Hulk Hogan; Tim Parsnip; Duck Dodgers; Kiesh; Nutmix; and Zorak the giant mantis.]
Insaneway: We're alone, in an uncharted part of the galaxy. But I choose to think of this little detour not so much as a decades-long quest through untold dangers, as more of…a cosmic game of Frogger.
[Everyone listens in awe, except Tupok who is expressionless; B'Zooka, snoring over folded arms; and Nutmix, just smiling stupidly. Fairly Dim whispers to Salsa, "I love Frogger!"]
Insaneway: But our predicament is clear. Even at maximum warp, the studio will force us to be lost for at least seven seasons. Banjo Man is dead, but there's a Banjo Lady out there, who can get us home a lot faster. We'll be looking for her. And we'll be looking for wormholes. And bungholes. And any other kind of hole that could make this journey more enjoya… alright, who fraked with my teleprompter?
[She angrily gestures to the Viewscreen, where her speech is scrolling by. Tim Parsnip snickers.]
Insaneway: You're spending your first night in the Dillhole Quadrant in the Box, Parsnip.
Parsnip: Worth it.
[Insaneway returns to the theatrics, and dramatically sinks into her chair.]
Insaneway: But first! Set a course…for home.
Parsnip: OK but, can I get a seatbelt first? I mean, just given what happened to Verblunget's last pilot? And, not to mention, the whole reason I was in prison to begin with…?
[Some of the junior officers seem intrigued, but all of the senior officers—Mosquito and Star Freak alike—stare flatly.]
Insaneway: Seatbelts, Mr. Parsnip?
[The silence continues. Then everyone on the bridge bursts in to jovial laughter, ending when a hundred "I'm Stupid!" signs suddenly rain down on them all.]
Computer: [Be-be-chrrp] Here's your sign.
THE END...OF THE BEGINNING!