Chapter Text
No.
It was such a little word.
No.
Just two letters but he had never really understood the magnitude of it. It was something he had avoided for so long, the word not having any power for him. Jaskier knew he could say it over and over again but it wouldn’t matter. The curse took that control away from him.
But now...now that what he said mattered...it didn’t feel right.
The word itself felt wrong, like it was a promise that wouldn’t be fulfilled. Someone would say something to him that could be a command and his entire body would stiffen. The curse lingered just out of view, flaring up like a phantom limb.
“No.”
Was something broken in him? Normal people didn’t feel constant relief at their body actually doing what they wanted. Normal people didn’t fear that he would lose the control again. Normal people didn’t try to find the limit to their new freedom.
It started small. Jaskier refused foods when told to eat, he refused to go to practice with Eskel, he refused to play Gwent when asked. It was terrifying, the seconds that ticked by while he waited for the curse to kick in.
It never did.
But...would it?
That was what was truly terrifying. What if he got used to this freedom, learned to live without shackles, only to have it snatched away from him?
Jaskier supposed it was the exposure that would help. Maybe if he did it enough, refused enough commands, he would start losing that fear. He would start believing that he actually had the freedom he had been wishing for.
But this might have been a step further than he should have gone.
He could feel his thighs trembling where he knelt on either side of Geralt’s lap, hips moving in slow circles. Soft smiles and gentles kisses had turned to longing stares and teasing touches. It was inevitable it would end here, both of them on Geralt’s bed.
And it felt good.
It felt amazing.
They had been so close to this before the mountain and the feeling hovered ever since. It burned and burned until now, until it turned into a fire that he couldn’t resist. Geralt’s large hands on his hips were so gentle, thumbs running on his hip bones in mesmerizing circles.
“Jaskier,” Geralt broke the kiss, a small spark of pride flaring through his chest at how breathless he sounded. “Are you sure? You-”
And Jaskier bit him on the side of the neck as he ground down on his lap, cutting the words off.
He couldn’t stand hearing Geralt gasp something out and then feel the pull of his body complying. Right now, this was his choice. He would be damned if it became anyone else’s.
And he could pretend his hands weren’t trembling.
And he could pretend his chest didn’t feel tight.
This was his choice, it was his choice to kiss and touch Geralt. He had...he had never done this with someone under his own power before. It was a bit overwhelming when he didn’t have the chance to slip away a bit.
But, it was hard to break a habit.
Jaskier could feel himself fading out a bit, his mind going a bit blank as they touched and he had to force himself back to the present. Panic crept up his throat a bit so he poured even more into the kiss.
A gasp was forced out of him as Geralt quickly twisted them around and hovered over him, pressing his hips down into Jaskier’s. This was good, this felt nice. He looped his arms around Geralt’s neck and sighed.
Then there was another slip.
He blinked and suddenly Geralt’s hand was in his pants.
Maybe...
Maybe this wasn’t right.
Maybe this wasn’t how it was supposed to feel.
If he asked Geralt to stop, to let him breathe...would he? He could just ignore Jaskier and continue. No...no Geralt wouldn’t do that.
But, he might shush him and whisper “Hush, hush Jaskier. Let me make you feel good” and then the curse...of course that was when the curse would come back...it would strike and he wouldn’t be able to say no. He would lie there, heart breaking, as Geralt thought he was doing everything he could to make this moment perfect.
“Jaskier?” Geralt’s voice in his ear made him flinch as he was brought aggressively back to the present. He blinked a few times to see amber eyes staring down at him. “Jaskier, are you with me?”
“Mmhmm,” he nodded quickly. “Of course I am.”
Geralt’s face remained perfectly still before he started moving off of Jaskier. Panicked, Jaskier tightened his hold on Geralt’s shirt and tried to pull him back.
He didn’t want to stop and talk about it.
He didn’t want Geralt to-
“Hey, hey,” he blinked away tears, surprised that he was even crying. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Jaskier fixed a bright smile on his face but it wasn’t fooling anyone.
“Jaskier,” Geralt shifted to the side and sat up, frowning down at him. He just waited and then placed a hand on his arm, squeezing lightly. “Please.”
Tears started streaming down his cheeks and Jaskier sucked in a deep breath, desperately trying to keep himself from completely shattering. “I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“Something upset you,” Geralt’s voice was terribly gentle and kind.
“But I don’t know why!” Jaskier snapped. “I don’t know why I’m upset! This is something I want. I chose this! I want it!”
Geralt’s hand felt like an anchor, holding him down and helping him from spinning out of control. “Jaskier, it’s alright.”
“It isn’t! I’m not used to...this. I’m not used to being able to make a choice,” he let out a long, shaking breath. “Whenever I did...I would just hide. I would slip away and come back when it was done.”
“Did I do anything to make you feel that way?” Geralt sounded hurt.
“No, no, no,” Jaskier shook his head, looking up at him. “I promise you didn’t. I just was afraid that if I...if I said or did anything you would...the curse would come back.”
Geralt let out a soft sound at that and shook his head. “Jaskier, it won’t.”
“How do you know?” Jaskier choked out, wiping his eyes. “How would I? I don’t feel any different. I want to be close to you. I want to have sex and do all this but...then something in me is stuck.”
A gentle hand reached up to card fingers through his curls. “There’s no time limit on this Jaskier. You’ve been imprisoned for so long, it will take time to learn how to leave free.”
“That’s fucking stupid! I want to and I can’t! How is that any better than the curse?” He spat out, rolling over so his back was facing Geralt. “When I talked to it, it said this would happen. It said that it wouldn’t really leave.”
“...you spoke to it?”
He nodded miserably. “It said that it was part of me and obviously...obviously that’s true.”
Geralt pulled on his shoulder until he flopped over, glaring up at the ceiling. “Jaskier, I need you to listen to me. You have experienced trauma far deeper than anyone ever should. You have seen the worst in this world and come out stronger. That leaves scars.”
“Great.”
“And scars heal,” Geralt continued. “The curse is gone, these feelings are not the curse returning. Your mind has been forced to accept it for so long it makes sense that it would...mourn is not the right word...but maybe?”
“Are you saying I miss it?” Jaskier glared at him.
“No, I’m not. I’m just saying that it is easy to get used to something. You wear chains for so long that it feels strange when you don’t,” Geralt gave him a tiny smile. “But those scars will heal. It will take time but eventually these feelings will fade. There might be days and times when it is so much more painful than others but there will be days when you might not even notice it. Trust me, trauma leaves a mark but those marks fade.”
Jaskier blinked away tears. “But...how long?”
How long will you wait for me? He couldn’t say that out loud.
“A day, a week, a year, a decade, a lifetime,” Geralt shrugged. “But I’ll be here as they heal. I’ll be here when you are ready.”
Jaskier nodded miserably. “How will I know?”
“I’m not sure. You will though,” Geralt smiled. “And when you do, you won’t try to hide from it anymore.”
Was that a possibility? Could he maybe live his life without slipping into that dark place, the only place where he felt safe? The idea struck fear in him, making his throat feel tight and his chest hitch.
“This is stupid.”
“This is healing. It doesn’t always make sense, it maybe isn’t comfortable but...that’s what it is,” Geralt laughed. “You set the pace and you do what feels right. If you don’t know what that is, feel it out and tell me when it goes too far.”
“You’ll...you’ll stop?” Jaskier whispered, feeling his cheeks burn.
Geralt’s eyes went soft and the movement of his fingers paused. He was quiet for a moment before sighing. “Jaskier, I would do whatever you asked of me.”
He nodded, not wanting to remark on the irony of that statement. Instead, he shifted closer to Geralt and closed his eyes.
What did a healthy relationship feel like?
He could...maybe he could find out.