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Chapter Text

Chapter One

Escape from VFD

The road in front of them seemed endless. The five of them had been driving in the rickety fire truck for hours, after their narrow escape from Count Olaf and the Village of Fowl Devotees.

Although they were safe and all together, Violet Baudelaire still felt like she had failed. She had failed to save her siblings and her friends, yet again, just like she had failed to protect them in all the other places that Count Olaf has tracked them to. They managed to escape each time, but Violet had let her sister be kept hostage in a birdcage, her brother had been hypnotised and her only friends had been kidnapped. As the oldest, Violet felt a sense of responsibility towards her siblings and she was determined to never let Count Olaf anywhere near them, ever again.

Klaus Baudelaire was feeling relieved. They had escaped and he was with his sisters and his friends, safe from Olaf’s clutches once again. However, he knew that his relief would be short lived, Olaf had always managed to catch up to them, and he knew that the terrible actor wouldn’t be far behind them. They had always managed to outwit him before, but nobody knew how long they would be able to keep escaping him. He knew they weren’t out of the woods yet.

Isadora Quagmire didn’t think her life would ever turn out like this. Just a few months ago she had plans to live in a three storey treehouse with her brothers, writing poetry and eating blueberry pancakes. Little did she know that in a couple of weeks she would be living in a shack full of crabs and dripping fungus and attending a poorly looked after private school with Duncan, her only surviving family member. She didn’t think that befriending the girl with brilliant inventing mind, her bookish brother and their biting baby sister would lead to being accused for murder and escaping a physcopathic Count, his fashion-obsessed girlfriend and a troupe of horrible actors, but she was with her brother and her friends, and, honestly a life on the lam sounded kind exciting.

On the other hand, Duncan Quagmire was almost convinced he was going crazy. In the past week he had been snatched from a library, kept in a cage at the bottom of an ersatz elevator, auctioned off inside of a red herring statue and stuffed in a fountain so a certain Count could steal the fortune of sapphires that their dead parents left behind. To top it all off, he was now inside an old fire truck, being driven by a toddler, away from the town that tried to burn him at the stake. Now all he had was his commonplace book, his slightly soggy Prufrock Prep uniform, his sister and his friends.

Sunny Baudelaire was currently focusing on the road and the big, black fire boots strapped to her feet. She wasn’t really sure how she knew to drive, but after watching Mr Poe drive, whilst coughing into his disgusting handkerchief, she figured that it couldn’t be too hard for her. She thought that all this running away, whilst sometimes enjoyable, was getting very tiresome and what she really wanted was to settle down somewhere nice with her siblings and lots of things to bite. 

All five children knew that eventually they would run out of petrol and would have to come up with another escape route, but for now they relaxed, trying to get a little sleep, marvelling at the small bits of luck that they had encountered in their unlucky lives.

Chapter Text

Chapter Two

The Last Chance Store

The fire truck ran out of gas in the middle of the Hinterlands. Thankfully, they could see a building up ahead. They all hopped out of the truck, Klaus carrying Sunny and Violet, Isadora and Duncan each holding a jerry can.

“I guess we head there?” Violet pointed towards the building, just visible ahead.

“I guess.” Klaus replied.

The building turned out to be a store, a small, rundown store.

“The Last Chance Store” Duncan read, looking up at the faded sign hanging above the storefront.

“And they’re out of gas” Isadora sighed “What’d we do now?”

“I guess we’ll have to walk?” Violet said, unsurely.

“Walk where?” Klaus said, looking exasperated. “We’re in the middle of the Hinterlands, there’s nowhere within walking distance, we’d die of exposure or thirst”

“When I signed up for life on the lam, I don’t think I read anything about dying in the contract.” Isadora joked.

They all cracked small smiles at that, despite their circumstances.

“Do we go inside?”Duncan asked, gesturing towards the front door.

“Ooyk” Sunny exclaimed, meaning “We might have a problem with that.”

They all looked to where Sunny was pointing, a newspaper rack, stacked with issues of The Daily Punctillo with the heading ‘Baudelaire Murderers Loose In The Hinterlands.’ Underneath the heading there were mugshot photos of Violet, Klaus and Sunny along with a hastily taken photo of the Quagmire triplets, as they ran from the angry villagers. Isadora raced over, grabbing a copy off the stack.

“The Baudelaire murderers, Veronica, Klyde and Susie Baudelaire have escaped from the VFD uptown jail, with the help of Darren and Imelda Quagmire, after they killed the actor, Count Omar. Reporters were unable to interview the famous Detective Dupian, who was investigating this case and Officer Luciana, the chief of police as they were chased out of town by an angry mob.” Isadora read.

“I always knew that The Daily Punctillo spread misinformation, but this is ridiculous! They didn’t even get our names right.” Duncan exclaimed.

“Yuuf.” Sunny responded, meaning “That’s what bothers you about the article?”

“Sunny’s right, even if the names are wrong people will recognise us from the photos.” Violet sighed, “But we have to get supplies.”

“We’ll just have to hope the store owner doesn’t read the newspaper.” Klaus agreed.

“We’ve got no choice.” Isadora said, a little sadly.

A bell suspended above the door rang as the Baudelaire and Quagmires entered the little shop.

“Lou, is that you?” Yelled a voice, hidden behind the front counter.

“No, we’re, um, customers.” Violet shouted back.

“I’ll be with you in a minute, I’m stacking day old pastries!” The shop owner replied.

The children all shared sceptical looks.

“Err, we’d like to send a telegram.” Klaus said, approaching the counter. “Can we do that here?”

“Yes, you see those porcelain kittens? It’s past that aisle.” He looked up, glancing over the slightly dirty children. “You kids look familiar… have we met before?”

“Oh, um, no, we’re, um, child actors.” Isadora claimed, in a slightly panicky voice.

“No, no that’s not it, oh well, it’ll come to me. Where do you want to send a telegram to?”

“The city.” Duncan replied.

“That’ll cost a lot, all the way to the city.” He raised his eyebrows at them.

Violet glanced at Isadora, hoping she could come up with another excuse to get them out of paying.

“Oh, um, well, we need to get information about our next, um, role. Yes, role, we’re child actors, you know, and well, if we don’t know where we have to be and where, then, well, you know, we’ll miss out and that wouldn’t be good and, you know, yeah…” Isadora blabbered.

“It’s alright, kids, sometimes I give free gas to the volunteers when they come, if we have any, that is, I’ll cover the costs.” The shop owner graciously offered.

“Oh thank you!”

“Yes, thanks a ton.”

“We really appreciate it.”

“Thanks so much!”

“Tank oo”

He smiled, fondly at the children, “Alright then, go send your message.” He tipped a pile of coins into Violet’s palm.

“Thanks again.” She smiled at him and they made their way towards the telegraph machine.

“Okay,” said Violet, taking charge, “I’ll dictate the message, Klaus you can type it, Isadora, do you think you could listen to the message, make sure it goes through and Duncan can you please take Sunny and see what you can get, supply-wise? Here take the rest of the money.” She poured the coins into Sunny’s hands. “Only get something if you think it’s necessary, we’ll have to travel light.”

Duncan reaches down to pick up Sunny. “And what counts as ‘necessary’?”

“Food, clothing that kind of stuff”

Duncan nodded, and headed off towards an aisle that held some food.

Violet turned back towards Klaus and Isadora,

“Alright, Klaus, write, To Mr Poe at Mulcturary Money Management STOP Please do not believe the story about us printed in The Daily Punctilio STOP Count Olaf is not really dead, and we did not really murder him STOP. Stop”

“You already said stop, I…” Klaus trailed off when he saw who Violet was staring at.

It was Count Olaf.

“Run!” Violet grabbed Klaus and Isadora’s arms, pulling them down the aisle, “Where did Duncan get to?” She asked in a panicky voice.

“I think he went that way.” Isadora replied, her voice barely a whisper.

The three of them ran down, past the porcelain kittens, and around a corner where they saw the owner of the store.

“Lou!” He called. “It’s those murderers, the children, they’re here Lou!”

“Shit.” Violet cursed, ducking around the opposite corner. “Shit.”

“We need to find Duncan and Sunny and get out of here.” Klaus said.

“There!” Isadora exclaimed, spotting Duncan racing out the front door of the shop, Sunny in his arms.

“Let’s go.” Klaus looked around the corner. “Now, now, go, go, go.”

They took off, racing towards the door, Count Olaf close behind. But just as they thought he would catch them up, he got tangled up in a beaded curtain, giving them a small advantage.

Once outside, they looked around, parked along the side of the shop was Count Olaf’s car, and the children could see Esme sitting in the front seat. Duncan and Sunny were standing behind a petrol pump, nervously watching the shop door, and they raced over when they saw their siblings appear.

“What can we do?” Isadora panted.

Violet pointed to a van, parked out the front, the letters VFD visible on the front.

“Oh, no.” Duncan groaned.

“We don’t have any other choice, come on.” Violet replied. Running over to the van.

“Hey, sorry, can we please get a lift.” Violet asked.

“Of course, sister, climb aboard.” A man with a red beard and a guitar replied, cheerfully.

“Thanks.” She said to him, and then turned towards her friends, “Come on guys.”

Violet beckoned to the others, urging them to hurry as Olaf made his way out of the shop.

Chapter Text

Chapter Three

How many VFDS are there?

They all climbed onto the van, only to discover that it was packed with men and women, wearing red and white pinstripe vests, all with big smiles on their faces. They sat on a free bench and Duncan passed Sunny back to Violet.

“Hiya.” The man with the beard said, whilst all the other passengers stared at the five children, still smiling.

“Err, Hi, um, sorry, do you think you could tell us what VFD stands for?” Klaus asked.

“Of course, brother.” The man smiled at them again, before launching into song, quickly followed by all the other passengers.

“We are Volunteers Fighting Disease
And we're cheerful all day long
If someone said that we were sad
That person would be wrong

Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee
Hope you get well soon
Ho ho ho, hee hee hee
Have a heart-shaped balloon”

“You’re volunteers fighting disease?” Isadora clarified, before nudging Duncan and muttering, “Wrong VFD.”

“That’s right, sister.” The man smiled.

“We’re looking for a VFD, but I think we found the wrong one.” Duncan said.

“Ahh, you’ll need the library of records for that, brother.”

“The library of records?” Violet asked, bouncing Sunny on her knee.

“Yes, the library in the hospital, it has all kinds of records, sister.” The man smiled, again.

“Sorry, but why are you calling us ‘brother’ and ‘sister’. Usually those terms are used to describe people with the same parents, like my sisters and I or the Quagmire triplets.” Klaus questioned.

“We call everyone brother, brother, that way we don’t have to bother learning people's names.” He smiled again.

“Are you telling me that you don’t know anyone on this bus’s name?” Violet asked, sceptically.

“That’s right, sister.”

“And you wouldn’t have happened to read the newspaper lately, would you?” Duncan asked casually.

“Oh no, we never read the news, it’s too depressing! Our motto is ‘no news is good news!’”

“Olaf” Sunny muttered to herself, meaning “that’s stupid.”

“Hey, Sunshine, play nice.” Violet jokingly chastised, before whispering, “You do have a point.”

Sunny giggled and clapped her hands.

“Where are we heading?” Isadora asked.

“The Heimlich Hospital, of course.” He smiled at them, “So we can sing to the sick patients, because everyone knows that laughter is the best medicine!”

“Antibiotics?” Violet asked

“Vaccinations?” Duncan chimed in.

“How exactly do you fight disease?” Isadora asked.

“By making people happy!”

“But how does that fight disease?” Klaus questioned.

“Well, when you laugh that makes… it makes… your brain…” He trailed off, turning to another volunteer. “Sister, how do we fight disease?”

“Laughter makes your... brain happy and that makes you… heal faster!” One of the women answered.

The Baudelaire and Quagmires all shared sceptical looks.

Suddenly, the van came to a stop.

“We’re here! Come on everyone let’s go fight disease!” The bearded man cried and all the Volunteers cheered.

Chapter Text

Chapter Four

Welcome to Heimlich Hospital

The Baudelaires and Quagmires followed the Volunteers into the hospital, keeping their heads down to avoid being recognised. The bearded man went up to the front desk, collected a clipboard with a patient list attached to it and led the Volunteers into the hospital, passing out balloons amongst themselves.

“What do we do?” Klaus whispered to Violet.

“We need to find the ‘library of records’ that man was talking about.” She whispered back.

The children continued up the corridor, trailing behind the brightly coloured volunteers, who had launched into song,

“We are Volunteers Fighting Disease
And we're cheerful all day long
If someone said that we were sad
That person would be wrong”

“How are we going to find it?” Isadora hissed.

“We visit people who are sick
And try to make them smile
Even if their noses bleed
Or if they cough up bile”

“Look for a sign or something.” Duncan replied.

“Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee
Hope you get well soon
Ho ho ho, hee hee hee
Have a heart-shaped balloon”

“Ocul!” Sunny exclaimed, meaning “Look!”

Sunny was pointing at a set of signs on the wall, that one of which said,

“The library of records!” Duncan cried.

“That way, come on.” Violet, Sunny still in her arms, led the others around the corner, to where the sign had pointed.

“There!” Klaus said.

The five children raced up to the big double doors.

“Damn it, it's locked.” Isadora said, inspecting the lock.

“It’s okay, I’ve got my lockpicks. Here hold Sunny.” Violet passed Sunny over to Isadora and knelt beside the lock.

“Oh, shit, it’s not a basic pin tumbler, my lock picks won’t work.” She stated, dropping the lock and putting her lock picks back in her overall pocket.

“What can we do?” Klaus asked, desperately.

The children heard a shuffling of footsteps and looked up, to see an old man making his way towards them.

“Shit, okay, keep your heads down, don’t look at him directly.” Violet instructed. “Don’t let him recognise you.”

The others nodded, as the man approached.

“Hello, you look rather short, are you children?” The man questioned. “I’m sorry, my vision isn’t what it used to be.”

The children glanced at each other, and nodded, silently agreeing that it would be safe to talk to him.

“Yes, we are, sir.” Klaus said. “I’m Klaus and this is Violet, Isadora, Duncan and Sunny.” He pointed to each person as he introduced them. “We’re looking for the library of records?”

“You're in the right place, I’m Hal and this is my library.” He replied, “I’m looking for some help, do you think you children could help me with the filing?”

“Of course!” Duncan answered,

Hal reached into his pocket and took out a ring of keys, before bending over to unlock the door.

“Welcome to the library of records.” He exclaimed, grandly, “This is where we keep all the paperwork for the hospital as well as files from all over the world.”

He walked over to a chute, leading from the ceiling. A bundle of paper came sliding down it, landing in a basket.

“This is where all the files come from. When a file comes through you open the file and try to read as little of it as you can.” Hal picked up the file, and opened it, before quickly shutting it again. “This file is about the weather last week at Damocles Dock. This means I could file it under ‘D’ for ‘Damocles Dock, ‘W’ for ‘Weather’ or ‘L’ for ‘Last Week.’”

“But won’t that make it hard for people to find the file? How will they know where to look?” Klaus asked.

“I suppose they’ll have to look in all three places.” Hal stated.

The chute made a shuddering noise and a small disc slipped down it, it was a film. Hal walked over and picked it up.

“I’ll be back in a minute, I have strict instructions on where to put anything marked ‘Snicket’.”

The children all gasped, quietly.

“As in Jacques Snicket?” Klaus whispered, as Hal made his way down the rows of filing cabinets.

“Or Lemony Snicket?” Duncan added.

“Who?” Violet asked.

“We read about him in the book, ‘The Incomplete History of Secret Organisations.’” Isadora said.

“Carmy” Sunny babbled, meaning “We need to get that film.”

The others all nodded.

“Hal?” Violet called. “If we did want to read a file, how would we go about that?”

“Well,” Hal responded, “First you’d need to fill in the paperwork and submit it and your request would be confirmed in 7-10 business days, then you can…”

His answer was interrupted by a crackling on the loudspeaker.

“Hello Heimlich Hospital,” The voice said.

The five children all froze, Isadora grabbed Duncan’s arm and Klaus tightened his grip on Sunny, Violet pushed her siblings behind her and reached into her pocket, searching for her ribbon.

“I am Doctor Mattathias Medical School, and I am the new head of administration.”

“Count Olaf.” Violet whispered, fear and anger creeping into her voice.

“Please be informed that the Baudelaire murderers and their accomplices have been spotted in the hospital. We will be running routine checks in every room.” Count Olaf continued. Also, due to budget cuts the cafeteria will be closing in 10 minutes, the gift shop in 5 and the library of records right now. That is all, thank you.”

The lights flicked off and Hal appeared again. “Oh well, I guess we’d better close up. You’re welcome to come back tomorrow, though.” Hal offered, generously.

“Oh, thanks Hal.” Isadora answered, but her voice was distant and sounded fearful.

“I think I’ll file you under ‘F’ for Friends or ‘P’ for People I Trust Most.” He chuckled, as he ushered the children out. “Thank you for your help! I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said, cheerfully as he locked up. The children watched him go, as he rounded the corner before turning to each other.

“What do we do?” Klaus asked, panic evident in his voice.

“We have to get somewhere safe. Hold on to Sunny.” Violet answered.

“Guys, look.”

They all turned to where Duncan was pointing.

“Security cameras.” Isadora cried.

“Where can we go that there won’t be any?” Duncan asked, desperately.

The others looked around with blank faces while Violet reached into pocket and pulled out her ribbon, hurriedly pulling her hair back and closing her eyes for a moment.

“The unfinished wing!” She cried. “We’ll be cold, but safe.”

She glanced around the corner, her hair still tied up.

“Let’s go, now.”

They took off, racing through the corridors, following Violet's lead. Before long, they came to the unfinished half of the hospital. The wind was blowing and the air was cold as the children made their way out into the night.

“Careful” Isadora said, as they took tentative steps out into the thin beams.

“Over there.” Duncan said, pointing to a spot with a little bit of flooring, “We can stay there.”

Out in the night, the children sat, shivering as they tried to work out what to do.

“We need to leave.” Duncan said, “It’s too dangerous to stay here with Count Olaf.”

“But we need that Snicket file.” Violet added. “It might be important.”

“Even if we can stay and avoid Count Olaf and his troupe, how are we going to get the file?” Isadora argued, “Hal isn’t going to just give it to us.”

“Isadora’s right, there’s no way we can get it without Hal, and he won’t give it to us.” Klaus said.

“Olaf.” Sunny said.

“Sunny, no.” Violet said, shocked. “We can’t.”

“Olaf.” She said again.

“Sunny, Hal trusts us.” Klaus cried.

“Wait, I’m sorry, what did she say?” Duncan asked.

“She thinks we should steal Hal’s keys.” Violet answered. “But we can’t, because he trusts us.”

“But if it’s our only option?” Isadora countered.

The five children all stared at the ground, knowing that they had no choice.

“Then we do it.” Klaus said, dejectedly, “Mother and Father wouldn’t be proud of us.”

“Mother and Father aren’t here, Klaus. We have to do this. I don’t like it either.” Violet said, reassuringly reaching across to hug her younger brother and sister. “We have to do it.” She repeated, as if trying to make herself believe it.

Sunny was crying softly in Klaus’ arms.

“Do we, really?” Duncan asked, desperate for another solution.

“Yeah, Duncan, I’m sorry.” Isadora answered.

The two triplets leant over and wrapped their arms around the three Baudelaires, joining them in a hug.

Further along the beams, a person was making his way towards the children, a tray with six bowls in his arms. Upon spotting the figure, the children instantly jumped to their feet, ready to run, but felt their hearts slow when they realised who the figure was. It was Hal. Violet stepped carefully over the beams to meet him and help him along as Duncan carefully took the tray from his arms. Hal has brought six bowls of warm chicken soup, and as the children sat and ate with the kindly old man, they felt worse and worse about their plan.

“I thought you might be up here.” Hal began, “When I was little I enjoyed sleeping under the stars.”

“We did too,” Began Klaus, “Our parents always said that there was nothing like sleeping under the stars on a clear night.”

“And where are your parents now?” Hal asked, concern in his voice.

“They’re dead…” Isadora answered, sadly.

“Oh, I am sorry to hear that, children.”

Hal didn’t notice, but as he spoke to the children that Violet had taken her ribbon out of her pocket and was stringing pieces of metal onto it, hoping that Hal wouldn’t notice the difference until it was too late. She slowly reached her hand into his pocket, pulling out his ring of keys.

“Well, I’d better get going. Are you sure you children will be alright up here?” Hal asked, kindly.

“Yes, thank you.” Duncan answered.

“Thank you for the soup, Hal.” Klaus added.

“Oh, it was no problem I… wait, where are my keys?” Hal asked?

The children looked at each other in a panic, but Violet had the situation under control,

“Here they are,” she said. “I’ll put them in your pocket for you.” Violet slipped the ribbon with metal pieces attached into his pocket.

“Thank you dear,” Hal began, “I think I’ll file you under ‘M’ for ‘My Friends.’”

The children smiled, sadly at him.

“Be careful on the beams, Hal.” Isadora added, as Hal turned to leave.

As he turned his back, Violet slipped the keys out of her pocket to flash them at her friends, a look of determination on her face,

“Let’s go get that film.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Five

The Library of Records

The five children slipped silently through the empty corridors of Heimlich Hospital. The lights were off and all the operations rooms were quiet.

At the doors, Violet fumbled with Hal’s keys trying to find the right one, and they slipped inside.

“Where do we look?” Duncan asked.

“Try ‘S’ for Snicket.” Klaus suggested.

They all ran to the ‘S’ cabinet, and flicked through, looking for the film.

“No, try ‘F’, for fire?” Isadora said.

The ‘F’ cabinet also had no results.

“‘J’ for Jacques? Violet guessed.

There was nothing in the ‘J’ cabinet either.

“‘L’, for Lemony?” Duncan suggested.

Nothing in the ‘L’ cabinet.

“VFD.” Said Sunny.

“Of course! Check ‘V.’” Klaus called.

They ran to the ‘V’ cabinet and rummaged through it.

“Got it!” Isadora yelled, before running to a row of projectors on the far wall.

Isadora fitted the film into a projector and turned it on. The projector whirred and a video began to play on the wall.

This is the official debrief of Jacques Snicket. The voice in the video said. Before we start, that was Jacques talking, I have recently received evidence that there may have been a survivor of the fire.

The five children’s mouths fell open. A survivor? Could their parents be alive? Their shock was interrupted by the slamming of the library’s doors opening.

“Baudelaires, Quagmires.” The voice taunted. “You thought you could hide from me?”

“Esme.” Klaus gasped, fear evident in his voice.

“I think you have something I need.” Esme continued.

“Run.” Violet shouted and picked up Sunny, before sprinting after the others, past rows of filing cabinets.

“Something small, round…”

The children were cowering behind a row of filing cabinets.

“Holds something important?”

Esm shouted the last words, “Give it to me!” She pushed a filing cabinet over, toppling them like dominoes, falling with a deafening crash.

“It’s MINE!” Esme shrieked, pushing over another row of cabinets.

Esme was at the row they were hiding behind.

“You can’t hide from me forever, children.” She taunted, pushing over the cabinet.

“Run.” Isadora screamed, pulling Duncan out of the way, just in time.

“Oo, Gotcha.” Esme said, staring right at them.

“Go for the door!” Duncan yelled, racing past the fallen cabinets and towards the door, the others close behind.

Esme beat them to it, knocking over more cabinet’s blocking the exit.

“Children, just give me the item and I’ll let you go.” Esme said, fluffing up her fur jacket.

“Of course, I did just get new heels, and It would be such a shame to waste them…”

The five children watched from behind a cabinet, as Esme flashed the heels of her shoes towards them. They were stilettos, with actual stiletto heels. As she chased them, her heels would sometimes stick into the floor, letting the children get further ahead.

“Go for the mail chute!” Violet cried.

The children ran for the chute, dodging fallen filing cabinets. Violet handed Sunny to Klaus and pushed him in,

“Go, go, go.” She shouted.

Isadora clambered in next, pulling Duncan in behind her. Violet put her foot up, and prepared to hoist herself in, when Esme threw her heel. It landed just above her head, she screamed and tried to hurry in, but Esme tipped another filing cabinet. It fell over the entry and Violet knew she wouldn’t be able to shift it.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” She chanted, trying to calm Sunny as well as herself. “I’ll meet you somewhere, okay, I’ll get out and see you soon. Don’t let her get that film, okay, go, go.” She shouted, pushing them further down the chute.

“Run, Violet, go, go, now!” Klaus screamed, tears streaming down his face, as Esme approached.

Violet ducked away, behind filing cabinets and towards the back exit, if she could get there before Esme, she’d be alright. She was getting close. I’m going to make it, I’m going to make it, she thought, over and over. She reached the door and yanked it open, only to come face to face with Count Olaf.

“Violet, Violet, Violet,” he said, “You can’t escape from me.”

Esme appeared in the doorway, behind Violet’s struggling form.

“Isn’t it lovely when we work together?” She cooed.

The remaining children, hidden in the mail chute could do nothing but watch as Olaf and Esme picked up Violet’s struggling body and took her down the corridor, her screams echoing through the the quiet halls.

Chapter Text

Chapter Six

The Cranioectomy

Klaus, Sunny, Isadora and Duncan had been crawling through vents for hours. After Esme and Olaf had dragged off Violet, and the triplets had managed to soothe Klaus and Sunny, promising to save their sister, they began to move through the chute. Occasionally they could hear Olaf’s voice over the loudspeaker, declaring that all valuables must be taken to the Human Resources office immediately or shouting threats.

Eventually they made it to a vent, and after checking as best they could, Klaus, who was at the front, kicked the vent out. The children quickly climbed out, before anyone could walk past.

“What do we do?” Isadora asked.

“We need a way to check all the rooms. We need to find Violet, quickly.” Klaus answered, worry evident in his voice. “We don’t know what he will do to her.”

“I know, I know, Klaus, we’ll find her.” Duncan said reassuringly.

“Look, there’s a break room here, we can get in and work out what to do, ‘kay?” Isadora said.

Klaus nodded, and, still gripping Sunny, he followed the two triplets into the room. They looked around, spotting a doctor's outfit and clipboard. Suddenly, they heard the familiar sing-song voices of the Volunteers Fighting Disease.

“We are Volunteers Fighting Disease
And we're cheerful all day long
If someone said that we were sad
That person would be wrong.”

“Look, Klaus. You and Sunny can put on that fake beard and Isadora and I will join the Volunteers, we can look in all the rooms that way, you can get a patient list and look for her.” Duncan suggested.

“I don’t want to split up more.” Klaus cried.

“It’s okay, as soon as we find her, we’ll find you or vice versa, then we get the hell out of here, and never have to see Olaf or his troupe, ever again. I promise, we’ll find her.” Isadora said, determination shining in her eyes. “Okay, we’re going to go now, and we’ll meet up soon.”

“Okay.” Klaus said, his voice small, “Be careful.”

“You too.” The triplets shot him a reassuring smile as they slipped out of the room.

“I guess it’s just you and me, Sunny.” Klaus smiled, softly as Sunny grabbed his finger and smiled, showing off her four big teeth.

When Violet woke up, she felt groggy. Her head hurt and there was a distinct pain in her shoulder. She tried to sit up, only to find that her arms and legs were taped to the hospital bed. Where were Klaus and Sunny? Usually when they played Female Finnish Pirates, they’d never leave her tied up for this long. That was when she realised, she wasn’t at home, she was in the hospital and her parents weren’t going to race in, untie her and scold Klaus and Sunny for getting too carried away with the rope. Her parents were dead, and Count Olaf sure as hell wasn't going to set her free. She’d have to do this herself. She turned her head slightly, wincing at the pain, to see a table with doctors tools on it, stupid bastard, she thought. Leaving surgical knives and scissors near her. She craned her neck, reaching the table and picking up a pair of scissors with her teeth. Ha, she thought, Olaf thought he could catch me, tie me up. No one gets the best of a Baudelaire. She dropped the scissors onto her stomach, where she could reach them with her hand. She cut the binds on her left wrist before leaning over and freeing her right. She sat up, cutting the tape that held down her ankles. When she got herself off the bed, she saw that another woman had been tied to a chair and gagged. Violet went over to her and began to untie her. When she peeled the gag from her voice, the woman screamed. Violet hastily put it back on,

“I’m going to get you out of here, okay? But you’re going to need to be quiet.” Violet explained.

The woman nodded and Violet peeled the gag away once more. She continued to work on the rope holding her onto the chair when the woman started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?” Violet asked, fear in her voice.

“I’m sorry, I laugh when I’m nervous.” The woman giggled.

“Okay, okay, you need to be quiet though, alright?” Violet said.

The woman nodded.

“Okay, follow me, quietly.” Violet ordered.

The woman got up and silently followed Violet out of the room. The two of them made it halfway down the hall before Olaf appeared in front of them.

“Violet, Violet, Violet.” He said, sinisterly, “Where on Earth are you going?”

Violet barely had time to scream, before she was grabbed from behind.

“We are Volunteers Fighting Disease
And we're cheerful all day long
If someone said that we were sad
That person would be wrong.”

Isadora and Duncan had been trailing after the Volunteers for at least an hour and so far they had visited multiple hospital rooms, all of which had sick patients that the Volunteers did nothing to help. In one room, a woman with both her arms in casts asked them if they could get her some water. The Volunteers just continued singing their song and tied a balloon to the end of her bed. In another room, a man whose body was paralysed asked if they could please call him a nurse so he could take some painkillers. Instead, the Volunteers sang their song and tied a balloon to his toe. Both triplets wanted to help the patients but they both knew that they had to find Violet, so they pressed on.

Klaus had strapped Sunny to his front, using a sling, and put the big medical coat over the two of them. He then stuck the fake beard on his face.

“How’re you going in there, Sunny?” He asked.

“Chistty.” Sunny replied, meaning “Claustrophobic.”

“It shouldn’t be for too long, Sunny, just until we find Violet.”

Violet was tied to a hospital bed again, except this time her binds were made of leather and there were no surgical tools nearby. Olaf and his troupe stood menacingly over her.

“Have you ever hunted, Violet?” Olaf asked, a sinister sneer on his face.

“Of course not.” Violet cried, struggling to free herself.

“When you corner an animal it searches your eyes, trying to find some mercy, and when it sees that there is none, it gives up and gives it life to you. Well, I have you cornered Violet and I have no mercy.”

He turned to the White Faced Women at the end of the bed, and took a mask attached to an anesthesia machine from their hands,

“What are you going to do to me?” Violet asked, desperately trying to escape.

“Oh, Violet, Violet, Violet.” He laughed, lowering the mask over Violet’s face. “Count to ten”

Klaus stepped out of the break room, into the corridor. He began to make his way down the hall, checking inside each room, searching for Violet. He checked room after room, and found nothing. He hadn’t come across the Quagmire triplets, so he assumed they hadn’t found anything either. Eventually, long after Sunny had grown restless and bored, he came across the Volunteers.

“Err, hello.” Klaus began, disguising his voice, “I seem to have lost my patient list, I was wondering if I could have a look at yours?”

“Of course, brother.” The bearded man said, cheerfully. He began to pass over the clipboard when he spotted something. “Ah, hang on, here comes another doctor, perhaps you could lend your list to him.”

Klaus looked up the hallway, only to see Count Olaf standing at the other end of the hall. He quickly turned back towards the Volunteers and noticed Duncan and Isadora, sinking behind their balloons.

“Ah, but of course,” Count Olaf said, and Klaus turned towards him, expectantly, “You look a little young to be a doctor.” He said. “What did you say your name was?”

“Ah, Doctor Faustus.” Klaus replied, his voice deep.

“And where did you attend medical school, Doctor Faustus?” Olaf demanded.

“Oxford, of course.”

“Oxford? Pfft, sounds made up.” Count Olaf muttered.

“So, do you think I could see your patient list?” Klaus asked, “You wouldn’t want anyone to die, with all these witnesses, would you Doctor Medicalschool?”

“No, of course not.” Count Olaf pulled out a clipboard and spun it around once. “There.” He said, flashing Klaus a sinister smile, before continuing down the hall.

The Volunteers also nodded at each other and continued down the corridor. As the triplets passed, Klaus tapped their shoulders, pointing to a storage cupboard.

“Did you find anything?” Klaus asked.

“Nothing.” Duncan replied, dejectedly.

“I’m so sorry, Klaus.” Isadora said, reaching forward to pat his hand. “We can still find her, we can try…”

“No, no it’s over.” Klaus said, his eyes filling tears, “I’ve lost her. She promised to look after me and I let her get caught. It’s my fault, my fault. It’s my fault.”

He leant over, putting his head on his knees and crying into his lap. Isadora and Duncan leapt out of their seats, racing over and wrapping their arms around him.

“Hey, hey.” Isadora said, sharply, lifting Klaus’ head and forcing him to look into her eyes. “We’re gonna find her, alright. We will find her.”

“Yeah, we’ll find her, but to do that you gotta help us, buddy, okay?”

Klaus nodded slowly, “But how will we find her?”

“We can, um, um.” Isadora began, “Maybe we could…” She trailed off.

“Ooyk.” Sunny exclaimed, waving something at the older children.

“What is it, Sunny?” Klaus looked up.

“Ooyk.” Sunny repeated, meaning “Look.”

Sunny was waving a piece of paper, that on closer inspection turned out to be a patient list.

“Sunny! How did you get this?” Isadora cried, jumping up off the floor to see the list.

“Twist.” Said Sunny, meaning, “When Olaf walked past us, I took his list!”

“Oh, Sunny, you’re brilliant!” Duncan exclaimed. “Quick, look for Violet.”

Klaus picked up the piece of paper and hurriedly searched it.

“She’s not here.” He cried desperately, turning to face the triplets who were turning pages in their commonplace books.

“Anagram, anagram!” Duncan called. “Count Olaf uses anagrams!”

“Like that playwright, the one who wrote ‘The Marvellous Marriage’, you said that it was written by Al Funcoot, if you rearrange the letters they spell ‘Count Olaf’.”

“So we just need to find an anagram of ‘Violet Baudelaire’.” Klaus said, looking around the room. He grabbed a can of alphabet soup and passed it to Sunny. “Can you open this, Sunny?”

Sunny nodded and took the can, biting into the top with her sharp teeth. She passed it back to Klaus who tipped it over the bench.

“These are the letters that spell ‘Violet Baudelaire’.” He began, “We just need to find a name that has the same letters.”

“We can cross off anything without a ‘V’.” Isadora said, grabbing a pencil. “That just leaves three names.”

The four children worked as fast as they could, rearranging letters and crossing off names that weren’t quite right.

“Here, I found her. ‘Laura V. Bleediote’ in room 225.” Duncan called. “Get your disguise back on, Klaus and Isadora grab the balloons.”

Once the children had disguised themselves again, they carefully exited the cupboard and made their way down the hall, searching for room 225.

“Here it is!” Isadora cried, wrenching open the door.

“Where is she?” Klaus cried. “She was supposed to be here!”

Suddenly, the door opened and Esme Squalor entered the room. The Quagmires hid their faces behind the balloons and Klaus adjusted his fake beard.

“Uh, hello.” Klaus stammered, “You wouldn’t know where to find the patient who was in this room, would you? I need to perform an emergency operation on her, and these Volunteers have been sent to cheer her up.”

Esme smiled, “Of course, Doctor Faustus.” She spat out his name. “We wouldn’t want anyone to have an accident would we?” Upon saying this she pulled out a big, rusty bone saw and held it to Klaus’ neck. Isadora and Duncan shrieked, letting go of the balloons, as Esme turned towards them.

“Ah.” She began, “This should be lots of fun.”

They heard a crackling on the loudspeakers and Olaf’s voice cut into the room.

“Paging Doctor Faustus, you are needed to perform the world's first cranioectomy on a teenage girl.”

“Well, cranio means head and ectomy means to remove something…” Klaus’s voice dropped off as he realised what was happening.

“Come along, doctor.” She sneered, before turning to Isadora and Duncan. “You twins can come too.”

Isadora and Duncan didn’t bother to correct her instead, frozen with fear, followed Esme out of the room and to the operating theatre.

Inside, Olaf was standing in the middle of the room, prancing around as if he was on stage. The children could see his hench people handing out programs. Klaus’s eyes were drawn to the middle of the room, where lying on a hospital bed was Violet. Klaus had to restrain himself from running towards her, and entirely ruining his already see-through disguise.

“And here we have our doctor who will be performing this surgery, Doctor Faustus!” Olaf declared grandly, pointing towards Klaus.

Klaus could see, out of the corner of his eye, Esme jabbing the knife towards the Quagmires before coming forward to give it to him.

“Here you are, Doctor.” She sneered, handing him the knife, “You’d better do it before the anesthetic wears off.”

Klaus stepped forwards, towards Violet’s limp form.

“What do I do, Sunny?” He whispered.

“Neigg.” Sunny whispered back, meaning “Stall.”

Klaus took a deep breath and stepped closer to the hospital bed, leaning on the rails and flicking off the machine.

“This is a knife.” He stated.

“Yes, we know it’s a knife.” Olaf began. “Now lets see you use it.”

“A real doctor would never complete an operation without explaining the tools first, and we are both real doctors aren’t we, Doctor Medicalschool?” Klaus reasoned.

Olaf grumbled but allowed Klaus to continue his explanation. Klaus kept talking about different types of knives and their uses whilst waiting for Violet to wake up. However Olaf was growing impatient.

“Just use the goddamned knife.” He snarled.

“But, first we need to do the most important thing here at Heimlich Hospital. Paperwork!” Klaus stalled.

“Someone get Hal!” The audience called.

Olaf made his way over to Klaus, “You may have found a way to stall, orphan boy, but blood will be spilled.” He snarled.

“Of course if you just give me what I want, then we can call this whole operation off.” Esme offered. “Just give me what you stole from the library of records and you won’t have to cut off her head.”

Klaus sighed, and reached into his pocket, pulling out the Snicket file and placing it into Esme’s hands.

“This isn’t the sugar bowl.” She said.

“That’s what we took, the Snicket file.” Klaus cried.

“The Snicket file?” Olaf demanded. “Give me that.” He grabbed the film then raced out of the room, disappearing down the hall.

By this point, Hal had arrived and filled out the appropriate paperwork, but when he saw Klaus he was shocked.

“You,” he said. “You destroyed my library.”

“I’m so sorry, Hal.” Klaus stammered, “We can help you fix it, but first we need your help! Count Olaf has captured Violet and is trying to cut her head off.”

“What are you talking about?” Esme cried, “You’re the one trying to cut her head off!”

Klaus dropped the knife and it fell to the ground with a crash.

“And anyway,” Esme began “You’re not a real Doctor!” She grabbed the front of Klaus’s coat and ripped it open, revealing Sunny in the sling.

The crowd gasped. “They’re two of those Baudelaire murderers!”

Klaus heard a rustling behind him and turned around to see Violet waking up.

“Whass goin’ on?” She asked, her words slurring.

“Violet!” Klaus gasped, placing Sunny on the bed. “We’ve got to go.”

The loudspeaker crackled again, and Olaf’s voice cut through the uproar.

“The library of records is on fire and the fire was set by the Baudelaire murderers and their accomplices!”

The crowd screamed, racing towards the children. Klaus grabbed the hospital bed and pushed it towards the door where he was joined by Isadora and Duncan. The three children pushed the bed through the double doors, followed by the angry mob.
They raced around corner, after corner until they came along beside the storage closet again. Klaus grabbed Sunny, and Isadora and Duncan helped Violet off the table and into the closet.

“Violet, we need to get out of here the hospital is on fire.” Isadora said.

“Okay,” Violet began, standing uneasily. “How high up are we?”

“20 or 30 feet, too high to jump.” Isadora replied, Sunny in her arms.

“Guys, hurry.” Duncan said, pushing his body weight against the door. They’ll get in here soon.

“I don’t have my ribbon.” Violet cried.

Sunny reached over to where a hospital bracelet was sitting on a shelf before passing it to Violet.

“Thanks Sunny.” Violet said, tying up her hair and looking around the room. “Grab that cord, we’ll bungee jump out.” Violet said.

Isadora grabbed the cord, passing it to Violet who tied it around the door knob.

“Come on.” Violet called as she started to wrap the cord around Sunny and Isadora. Duncan and Klaus rushed over and Violet wrapped the cord around them as well.

“What about you, we’re not leaving you here!” Klaus said.

“I’ll hold on to you.” Violet explained, gathering up the cord. “Get out the window.”

The five children stood on the window sill, preparing to jump.

“I’m not sure I’m ready.” Duncan said.

“If we wait until we’re ready…” Violet began.

“We’ll be waiting the rest of our lives…” Klaus finished.

And with that they jumped.

The cord was just long enough and Sunny bit the cord to let them down.

“What do we do now?” Isadora asked.

The ground was swarming with doctors and nurses, filling ambulances with patients and Volunteers running around, frantically.

“There.” Duncan pointed to a wall and the children ran over, taking shelter at the base of the wall.

“Where can we go?” Klaus asked.

“There.” Violet answered pointing towards Olaf’s car. “We’ve got no other choice.”

“No, if we’re in his boot, we’re as good as captured.” Isadora replied.

“If we stay here we’ll be caught and punished. It’s our only option.”

“She’s right.” Duncan replied. “I hate it, but she’s right.”

Klaus groaned, taking Sunny from Isadora as they ran towards the boot. Isadora climbed in first and Klaus passed Sunny to her before climbing in himself. Violet helped Duncan in before clambering over and yanking it shut.

Count Olaf’s boot wasn’t much but at least they were safe, and they were together.

Chapter Text

Chapter Seven

Caligari Carnival

The drive through the Hinterlands was long, bumpy and very boring. The five children lay in the boot, amongst the boxes of wine and dirty costumes, staring up at the night sky through the bullet holes in the tin roof. Occasionally, Count Olaf would swerve wildly, causing the children to be hit with the occasional stage prop. Wanting to remain as silent as possible, they didn’t speak, but instead all five children were deep in thought.

Violet, still groggy from the anaesthetic, was trying to work out what exactly had happened in the hospital that caused Klaus to cling to her arm, as if he was afraid she’d disappear. She knew that they had been in the library when she was captured, but from then her memory was foggy. She remembered another woman in the room with her, was her name Babs?, and wondered what had happened to her after her escape attempt. Or was it all a dream as she drifted in and out of consciousness?

Klaus was so glad. He was glad that they had rescued Violet, he was glad that they all escaped and he was glad that one of his parents may still be alive. But, soon the seriousness of his situation came back, they were in Count Olaf’s car, had no idea where they were going and there was always the risk of one of the hench people opening the trunk and discovering them. Klaus didn’t want to think about what would happen to them if they were found.

As Isadora lay next to Duncan, her mind was racing. Jacques Snicket said that someone had survived the fire. What fire? The one that destroyed her home, the one that destroyed the Baudelaire mansion or another fire all together? Isadora wanted to believe that one of her parents was out there but she wouldn’t dare let herself hope, she’d only be destroyed with sadness when she found out that she wasn’t going to see her parents or Quigley ever again.

Duncan was exhausted. He hadn’t had a proper night’s sleep since his home had burnt down, all those months ago. At Prufrock, he could never sleep through the night, due to the uncomfortable beds or he’d wake with nightmares. The fish and the fountain were tiny, and the triplets could barely stretch their legs inside, let alone sit or lie down and now, a life on the lam promised more sleepless nights. He tried to relax, telling himself that he was safe and that he was with friends, but he knew that they could be discovered any minute, and how could he sleep when his family might be out there, when Quigley could be out there?

Sunny, curled up between Violet and Klaus didn’t like the trunk. She had been stuck in there for far too long and wanted out. She was bored and tired. Despite her extraordinarily high intelligence, she didn’t quite understand the situation, she didn’t understand why Klaus was so clingy or Violet so sleepy. She didn’t understand why they were in Count Olaf’s car, weren’t they supposed to be running from him? Sunny didn’t like it , and she wanted out. She wanted to go home and see her parents and bite the teething ring that she left in her crib on the day they went to Briny Beach. Sunny wanted to go home.

Eventually the car stopped and the children held their breath as they heard car doors slamming.

“Should we get the wine from the trunk?” They heard the Hook-Handed Man ask.

The five children looked at each, panic shooting across their faces.

“No, no, Madame Lulu always has plenty.” They heard Olaf grumble.

They heard the receding of footsteps and the children pushed open the lid of the trunk before climbing out.

“Where are we?” Isadora asked, looking around.

“It looks like a carnival?” Duncan replied.

“Yep, that sign there says ‘Caligari Carnival’.” Klaus pointed to a run down sign.

“We’re in the right place.” Violet said, pointing towards a tent with the VFD eye printed on the side.

“Or the wrong place…” Added Klaus.

“Madame Lulu knows all.” Duncan read. “She must be a fortune teller.”

“Maybe Olaf thinks he can ask her about… you know.” Violet suggested. She didn’t need to finish her sentence, all the children knew what she meant.

“We need to get inside that tent.” Klaus declared.

“We can’t, Klaus. We‘ve got to stay hidden from Olaf. And anyway, we’ve got no idea whether ‘VFD’ is good or evil, we’ve got no idea about any of it.” Violet argued.

“They can’t be evil.” Isadora began, “Our parents were a part of it…” She trailed off.

The five children fell silent.

“How are we going to find out stuff if we have to stay hidden?” Klaus asked, changing the subject.

“Dress up.” Sunny said.

“That might just work.” Isadora exclaimed.

“Count Olaf disguises himself to get what he wants, why can’t we?” Violet asked.

“But that's a wicked thing to do.” Duncan added.

“So was stealing from Hal, but we’ve got to do this. If we don’t we might never find our family members.” Violet argued. “Don’t you want to know if your parents are still out there?”

“I suppose.” Duncan added.

“So we’ve agreed. But who do we disguise ourselves as?” Klaus asked.

“Freaks.” Violet said.

“Karniez?” Sunny asked, meaning “Freaks?”

“Look, they’re hiring for a freak show.” Violet said.

“That won’t be fun.” Klaus started, “Freak shows are horrible places.”

“Everything about this is horrible, Klaus.” Isadora sighed.

“What about this?” Duncan asked, rummaging through the costumes in the back of Olaf’s car. “Isadora and I could wear this shirt and pretend to be conjoined twins?”

“That could work.” Isadora said, “But we’ll have to do something about our faces.”

“There’s makeup.” Klaus said, joining Duncan at the boot.

“Look, we can wrap this around Sunny and we can say she's half wolf.” Duncan suggested.

“Do you still have that fake beard, Klaus?” Violet asked.

“Yeah, here it is.” He replied.

“I can wear it and we can say that I’m a bearded lady.”

“What can I be?” Klaus asked.

“I can give you a fake scar, we can say you were in a horrible accident or something.” Isadora suggested

“We’d better be quick, we don’t know how long they’ll be in there for.” Duncan said.

In the late evening light, the five children set to work. Isadora, armed with a makeup brush, put powder over everyone’s faces. Violet redid everyone’s hair. Duncan found costumes for everyone. Klaus came up with a name and a short backstory for each person and Sunny rolled around in the dirt, practicing her growling.

“Okay, Sunny you’re Chabo, the wolf baby, so no more speaking, only growling.” Klaus instructed.

“We’re going to go in and ask for jobs, then we’ll keep our eyes and ears open for anything that might be important, anything at all.” Duncan said.

“Alright, let’s do this.” Isadora said, a look of determination on her face as she gripped Duncan’s hand under their shared shirt.

“Follow my lead, okay?” Violet declared, before walking into the tent.

Chapter Text

Chapter Eight

Job Interviews are Never Fun

Violet, almost unrecognisable with Klaus’ fake beard plastered on her chin and white powder paling her face, led the march into the fortune teller's tent.

“We heard you guys were hiring?” She asked, her hand on her hips.

“You!” The fortune teller gasped, before donning an accent. “I am Madame Lulu, please, what are you freaks doing here, please?”

“We want jobs,” Duncan began, with a heavily exaggerated accent “We thought we could work in your freak show.”

“Yes, please, Caligari Carnival is upon hard times, freaks are very welcome, please.” Madame Lulu explained. “Especially, you two-headed freak.”

“I’m Beverly.” Isadora began. “And this is my other head, Elliot.”

“You know what’d be funny.” Esme said, excitedly, “If we got them to eat an ear of corn!”

“Yes, everyone loves sloppy eating.” The Bald Man agreed.

“And what do you do, please, girl with beard?” Madame Lulu asked.

“I have a beard.” Violet said, unsure as to why her disguise needed any explanation, “And I’m a girl.”

“Oh, yes.” Olaf laughed, “You are very ugly, what did you say your name was?”

“Elizabeth.” Violet replied.

“Yes, Elizabeth, you are also hired, please.” Madame Lulu said.

“And what about you?” Madame Lulu asked Klaus.

“I’m William and I have this huge scar on my face.” Klaus explained, turning his head to show the adults. “You wanna know how I got it? I was trying to climb this tree in my yard, right? And my foot slipped and my bike was under the tree. So when I fell the spokes on the wheel of my bike went into my face. Isn’t that cool!”

“Yes, please. You are hired too, please.” Madame Lulu told him.

“Egad!” Olaf exclaimed, pointing to Sunny, who was hiding behind Klaus’ leg. “What the hell is that?”

“That’s Chabo, her mother was a beautiful huntress who fell in love with a wolf, and this is the result.” Violet explained.

“I didn’t even know that was possible.” The Hook-Handed Man said.

“Is she feral, please?” Madame Lulu asked.

“Well, she doesn’t like to be teased.” Duncan began.

“We got these scars from doin’ that.” Isadora finished.

“Yes, please, all freaks are hired, now go to the freaks caravan, please. Madame Lulu must discuss payment with her Olaf.” Madame Lulu said.

The Baudelaires and Quagmire all turned to leave the tent, ignoring the taunts and ridicules that Olaf’s troupe shouted after them.

“Well that was utterly humiliating.” Duncan whispered as they made their way to the caravan.

“No one said it was going to be fun, Duncan.” Klaus sighed.

“I guess we’d better go meet our coworkers.” Violet said.

The children made their way over to the freak caravan, knocking on the door. They heard a shuffling of footsteps from inside and then the door opened.

“Hello, can we help you?” A man with a hunched back asked.

“Yes, we were wondering if this was the freak caravan?” Violet asked

“Yes it is, oh, are you new coworkers?” He asked excitedly.

“Yeah, we are.” Isadora answered.

“Come on in then, I’m Hugo, and in the freak show I try to put these jackets on, but I can’t, you see, I have a hunchback.”

“That’s horrible!” Isadora exclaimed.

“And this here, is Collette.” Hugo continued.

“I’m a contortionist.” Collette explained. “And if you're going to laugh at me, I’d rather you get it done now.”

“Why would we laugh at you?” Duncan asked.

“Because I’m a contortionist, that means I can bend my body in different ways.” Collette said.

“We know what a contortionist is.” Klaus said. “And I think it’s cool.”

“That’s nice of you to say.” Collette added.

“I’m Kevin.” Another man spoke up. “Wow, you two almost have it as bad as me!” He exclaimed, pointing to Isadora and Duncan.

“What’s freakish about you?” Isadora asked, bluntly.

“Don’t you see, I’m holding these popcorn boxes in two equally strong hands. I’m ambidextrous.

“Doesn’t that mean you’re just right-handed and left-handed?” Klaus asked

“Ah, so you have heard of me.”

“Who are you?” Hugo asked the children.

“I’m Beverly.” Isadora said. “And this is my other head, Elliot.”

“I’m Elizabeth.” Violet said.

“I’m William.” Klaus said.

“And that’s Chabo, the wolf baby.” Duncan explained.

“Well, it’s nice to have some new freaks.” Hugo said.

“Well I’d better get back to twisting these pipe cleaners for the gift shop.” Collette said.

“And I’d better get back to popping this popcorn for the concession stand.” Kevin said.

“If you want to help, you can pick out all the sequins from the laundry. They get everywhere!” Hugo explained.

The children sat down on the bed, by the laundry and began to talk in hushed voices.

“I feel terrible lying to them.” Klaus whispered.

“I know, but we need to find out if our parents are okay.” Violet said, sadly.

“How are we going to do that?” Isadora asked.

“We’ll have to stick around and try to get into that fortune tellers tent again.” Duncan said.

“I guess for now we just bide our time and try to enjoy our time at the circus.” Isadora said.

“That is not going to happen.” Violet said.

“Aww, Vi, don’t be such a buzzkill.” Duncan said, theatrically flopping sideways onto her shoulder, pulling Isadora with him.

The five children started laughing, despite the terrible freak show they were in, despite the fact that their parents could be out there and despite the fact that Count Olaf was right nearby.

Chapter Text

Chapter Nine

Apparently Neither are Freak Shows

The next morning, after the children had reapplied their makeup and made sure their wigs were still in place, they were sitting at the small table eating porridge. Suddenly, the Baudelaires and Quagmire triplets startled. Someone was banging on the door of their caravan. Hugo got up to open the door to reveal the Hook-Handed Man standing there. The five children instantly looked away, trying to avoid eye contact.

“Oh!” Hugo exclaimed. “Have you joined the freak show too? Come in and have some porridge.”

“What, no. I can’t eat porridge.” The Hook-Handed Man replied.

“Because of your hooks?” Collette asked. “I’m sure we could find a welding tool and attach a spoon that way.”

“No. I can’t eat porridge because I’m a normal person and I have lots of work to do.” He snapped. “The boss just found out that one of the Baudelaire parents is still alive and he’s very stressed. Just hurry up and get out there.”

The three Baudelaires looked at each other in shock, before racing out of the caravan, following the Hook-Handed Man. Leaving the Quagmires sitting, sadly, atthe table.

“What did you say?” Violet demanded.

“I said, hurry up and get to the circus tent.”

“No, about the Baudelaire parent.” She begged.

“Why do you care, freak.” He asked, suspiciously.

“We’ve been following their story very closely, in the Daily Punctillo. We’re very interested in those children, who are obviously innocent.” Klaus said.

The Hook-Handed Man looked skeptically at him. “The boss has been chasing those blasted children all over the place, trying to steal their fortune and Madame Lulu just told him that one of their parents is alive.” He said, before hurrying off.

“You don’t think it could be true?” Klaus asked, looking to Violet.

“I think we need to get inside that tent.” She replied.

Back in the freak caravan, the Quagmires were standing in the corner, whispering to each other.

“If one of their parents is alive, that means that ours are… gone” Isadora choked out.

“And that means there’s no chance that Quigley’s still out there, either.” Duncan began to sob.

The two triplets threw their arms around each other, sobbing into their huge shirt.

“Careful.” Isadora said, her voice wobbly, a small smile on her face. “You don’t want to mess up my face.”

“Your face?” Duncan giggled, wiping tear tracks from his face. “You’ve already smudged mine!”

“No, that was all you!” She teased, grabbing his hand underneath their shared shirt as the Baudelaires rushed back in, determination and hope in their eyes.

Violet noticed the Quagmires in the corner of the caravan and came over, her voice soft and soothing.

“You guys alright?” She asked. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think about what this must be like for you.”

“We’ll be alright.” Isadora said. “We’ve got each other.”

“And us. You’ve got us too.” Klaus added, wrapping his arms around the triplets. Violet joined the hug from the other side and Sunny grabbed onto Duncan’s leg.

“And you.” Duncan added, smiling a little.

“I hate to interrupt a lovely moment.” Hugo interrupted. “But we really should be getting to the circus tent.”

“Right, sorry.” Violet said, rubbing her eyes, “Lead the way, Hugo.”

The children were standing around backstage with Hugo, Collette and Kevin, preparing themselves for the show.

Isadora and Duncan were sitting in front of a mirror, applying each other’s makeup. Klaus was kneeling on the ground, pretending to scuffle with Sunny on the ground whilst Violet stood behind, brushing her fake beard. Esme stood nearby, threatening the freaks with a big whip.

“Freaks, you’d better put on a good show or I have permission to whip you with this tagliatelle grande.” She threatened.

“What’s a tagliatelle grande?” Hugo asked.

“It’s Italian for ‘big noodle’.” Klaus explained, forgetting his character and falling into his old habits.

Count Olaf put his head through the curtain,

‘It’s showtime, freaks.” He snarled.

“Step right up, folks, for the greatest freak show on Earth!” Count Olaf exclaimed.

“Watch as Hugo attempts to put a coat over his hideous hunch!”

Hugo stepped onto the stage, approached the coat rack and proceeded to try to put it on.

“Now watch as Collette twists her body into disgusting shapes!”

Collette stepped onto a platform and twisted herself into a ball.

“Now, Kevin will sign his name with both hands!”

Kevin walked towards the blackboard and wrote ‘Kevin’ with both hands.

“Try not to scream as we present, Beverly and Elliot!”

Isadora and Duncan walked out, under the bright lights and Count Olaf shoved an ear of corn at them. Swallowing their disgust, they attempted to eat the corn. It was a difficult task as when Isadora moved the corn towards Duncan’s mouth, she’d misjudge the distance and get it over his face and when Duncan tried to pick up the corn the buttery surface made it slippery and he’d drop it to the floor. Eventually, the Quagmire triplets returned backstage, corn stuck all around their mouths.

“Good luck.” Isadora whispered to Violet, as Klaus brushed the corn off Duncan’s face.

Violet grimaced as she heard her name being called.

“Don’t look too disgusted when you see Elizabeth, the girl with a beard!” Count Olaf called.

Violet, as Elizabeth, made her way out onto the stage as the crowd gasped. She stood in the middle of the tent and immediately ducked as a hot dog came flying at her. Olaf walked straight to her, grabbing her arm and hissing in her ear,

“Don’t move, freak.”

Violet shuddered, freezing under his touch, her mind flying back to that night on the stage as Olaf leaned in to kiss her. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn’t think to move as someone’s ice cream cone came hurtling towards her, smashing on her arm. She barely had time to react before a can of drink came flying at her head, making contact. Violet shrieked, toppling backwards and retreating to behind the stage, hands over her head.

“What happened?” Klaus was on his feet as soon as Violet came through the curtains. “We heard you shriek. Did he hurt you, what did he do?”

“It’s fine. It didn’t even hurt that much.” Violet said, taking her hands away from her head, revealing a trickle of blood. “Maybe less fine.”

Klaus pushed Violet towards a chair, finding a cloth to press onto the wound.

“What happened, was it Olaf?” He asked, worry edging into his voice.

“No, no, it was someone in the crowd, threw something at my head.” Violet said, her words slurring.

“Now, take a look at William and his hideous scar!” Olaf’s voice cut through the air.

“I’ve gotta go, Isadora Duncan, make sure she’s alright.” He hurried out behind the curtain.

He stood out on the stage as the crowd laughed at him, feeling utterly humiliated, as he was forced to tell the story of how he got his scar, over and over.

Backstage, Isadora and Duncan, struggling to move in their shared-shirt, were helping Violet back to the caravan, leaving Hugo, Collette and Kevin backstage.

“Hey, hey Violet.” Duncan said as Violet’s head began to droop. “You gotta stay awake, okay?”

“Mm, so sleepy…” Violet muttered.

As they approached the caravan, Isadora spotted Madame Lulu leaving her tent. The two triplets managed to pull Violet up the stairs and lay her on one of the bunks. Duncan had just started flipping through his commonplace book, searching for notes on head injuries whilst Isadora kept Violet awake, when the door opened and Klaus, carrying Sunny, rushed in.

“How is she?” He asked.

“I’m not going to lie, it’s not great.” Duncan began and Klaus let out a strangled cry, “But it's not too bad, she probably just has a concussion.”

Klaus nodded, swallowing his panic and knelt beside the bunk, placing Sunny on the ground.

“A concussion?” Isadora asked. “I can deal with that.”

“How?” Sunny asked her.

“I grew up with Duncan and Quigley, Sunny.” Isadora stated, as if it explained everything. “Quigley would be climbing trees and whilst Duncan stood at the bottom describing everything bad that could happen if he fell. Which he did, frequently. So I learnt minor first aid.” She shrugged.

“Actually.” Isadora spoke up again. “We might want to split up again.”

“What, why?” Duncan asked.

“Madame Lulu left her tent, just a few minutes ago. Now would be the time to find out about… you know what.” She smiled, softly. “Go on Klaus, take Sunny and Duncan. I’ll fix up Violet.”

“Is, maybe we don’t want to split up, because, you know ‘Beverly and Elliot?’” Duncan pointed out.

“No one will see you. Go on, help your boyfriend.” She winked at Duncan.

“I… we’re.. not…” Klaus stammered.

“I mean… no… Isadora…” Duncan managed, turning pink.

Isadora waved her hand at them then pointed to the door.

“Leave me to play doctor, go find your parents.” She smiled encouragingly at Klaus.

Chapter Text

Chapter Ten

Madame Lulu?

Duncan and Klaus ducked out of the caravan, Sunny at their heels, keeping their heads down as to avoid attention.

“You know, about what Isadora said.” Duncan began, “I’m sorry about her, she’s just…”

Klaus interrupted. “It’s alright, let’s just focus on getting into Madame Lulu’s tent and seeing what we can find.”

“Yeah, okay.” Duncan smiled. “As long as we’re on the same page.”

Sunny, walking beside Klaus, rolled her eyes and muttered, “Roomy.” which meant, “Get a room.”

“Sunny!” Klaus exclaimed as Duncan started laughing.

“How’re you feeling now, Vi?” Isadora asked.

“Head hurts.” Violet murmured. “Iss not too bad, just wanna sleep.” Her words began to slur.

“Sorry, you can’t go to sleep, you gotta stay awake. Okay?” Isadora said. “Once you can hold a conversation or walk properly then you can sleep, alright? You gotta keep talking to me.”

“I’m tired though. Lemme go to sleep.” Violet muttered, closing her eyes again.

“Well that’s not happening.” Isadora began. “Tell me about something, tell me about your inventions. Klaus mentioned a clock toaster? Tell me about it.”

“Mm’kay.” Violet began, “The clock toaster was this grandfather clock…”

“What are we looking for again?” Duncan asked, inspecting the crystal ball.

“Anything that seems out of place.” Klaus replied, “Or anything to do with ‘VFD.’”

“Do you believe in this fortune-telling?” Duncan asked. “Do you reckon it’s real?”

“If you’d asked me that a year ago, I would’ve said no, but since then some pretty crazy stuff has happened, so I’m open to anything at this point.” Klaus answered.

Duncan lifted up the crystal ball. “Hey, Klaus, Sunny. Look, it’s a projector or something.”

The three children crowded around to look.

“Then she must have films or something.” Klaus realised.

Sunny was sitting on the ground, under the table when she noticed a box underneath the tablecloth.

“Whazzit?” She said, pulling out the box. “Occul!” She cried, meaning “Look!”

Duncan and Klaus dropped to their knees and helped Sunny pull out the box. They all rummaged through it, pulling out scraps of paper and films.

“Newspaper clippings, films, written reports.” Klaus began. “It’s like a library.”

“Look, here.” Duncan said, holding a pile of newspaper clippings all stapled together. “They're all about you.”

Sure enough, the newspapers had headlines that said, ‘Baudelaire Mansion Burns Down’, ‘Count Olaf’s Evil Plot, ‘Orphans safe at Prufrock Prep’ and ‘Baudelaire Murderers.’

“Why would she have all of these?” Klaus asked as Duncan put a film into the projector.

Jacques Snicket appeared on the glass ball.

“Jacques!” Duncan exclaimed.

More faces popped up on the screen, Uncle Monty, Aunt Joséphine, Georgina Orwell, Mr Poe’s secretary, the familiar faces were endless.

“I’ve seen all these people.” Klaus said.

The scene changed, showing a woman in a dragonfly costume on the edge of a balcony.

“That’s my mum.” Klaus said slowly. “She was involved in ‘VFD.’”

“The Volunteer Fire Department.” The tape said.

“V… F… D…” Duncan repeated. “We found VFD.”

They heard the approaching footsteps, and in their haste to turn around, Duncan knocked the crystal ball which rolled to the ground and broke. Duncan and Klaus looked at each other in a panic, just as the figure approached the doorway.

It was Isadora.

Isadora, happy enough with Violet’s condition, had finally let the older girl go to sleep and was pacing the caravan. She was worried about her brother, Klaus and Sunny but didn’t want to leave Violet by herself. She looked out the window and saw that Madame Lulu was walking by the far side of the carnival, heading towards the tent. She made a split second decision - she had to help her brother. Leaving the Beverly and Elliot costume behind, she sprinted towards the tent, racing through the doorway just as Madame Lulu turned to corner, she was probably 30 seconds away from discovering them.

Duncan and Klaus were standing in the middle of the tent, panic spread over their faces. Isadora could see the remains of Madame Lulu’s crystal ball all over the floor.

“Honestly, I can’t leave you two alone for half an hour?” Isadora demanded.

“Jesus, Isadora, you scared us. We thought you were Madame Lulu.” Duncan cried.

“Yeah, well you got lucky this time, but we’re about to be discovered.”

“What?” Klaus exclaimed.

“Madame Lulu is coming this way. We need to go, now.” Isadora explained, lifting up Sunny and making her way towards the doorway where she was met by Madame Lulu.

“Shit…” Isadora said, as Madame Lulu stared at her in disbelief. “I-I, I can explain.” She said, her voice wavering.

Madame Lulu lifted her arms and wrapped Isadora in a hug. Isadora’s face contorting in confusion.

Duncan and Klaus just stared in disbelief as Isadora stammered.

“Sorry, who are you exactly?” Klaus asked as Duncan rushed forwards to grab his sister's wrist.

Madame Lulu released Isadora who stumbled back, into Duncan, Sunny still clasped to her chest. She leant over, removing the turban, wig and fake piercings, before looking back at the children and smiling.

“Olivia?” Duncan exclaimed.

“What… why…?” Klaus was lost for words.

“I’m sorry I didn’t reveal myself sooner, Baudelaires and Quagmires, but I needed to keep my cover on for Count Olaf.”

“Is it true,” Klaus began, his voice breaking. “About my parents?”

“I don’t know, Klaus, I’m sorry. I had to tell him that to get him to stay here.” She explained, sympathy in her voice. “Madame Lulu doesn’t really exist, it’s just a rotating position for whichever volunteer is stationed here. Soon, the previous Madame Lulu will arrive and she’ll know what to do.”

The four children nodded as Olivia continued.

“But I told Olaf to meet me here after the freak show, so you need to leave.” She said. “I’m so glad we’ve found each other.”

“We are too.” Duncan said, his eyes watering.

“We’re sorry about your crystal ball.” Klaus said.

“It doesn’t matter. I have spares, but please hurry out.” She said, beginning to put her disguise back on.

“We’ll be back soon, Olivia.” Isadora promised before hurrying out of the tent, Duncan and Klaus close behind her.

They made their way out of the tent, quickly walking to the caravan, keeping an eye out for Olaf, Esme or any of the hench people. Once inside the caravan, Isadora and Duncan quickly climbed back into the Beverly and Elliot costume and Klaus rushed over to Violet, who was lying on the bunk.

‘Hey, Violet, are you feeling any better?” He asked, shaking her.

“Klaus! No, don’t wake her up!” Isadora said, but it was too late.

Violet groggily sat up, wiping her eyes.

“Whass goin’ on?” She asked, wincing at the pain.

“Are you feeling alright?” Klaus asked.

“My head hurts, but I’m alright.” Violet attempted a reassuring smile before wincing at the movement and gagging.

She got up, gingerly and made her way outside, falling to her knees and throwing up. She sat back on the ground, her head between her knees, breathing through her mouth.

“Now I’m alright.” She said, as the children rushed down the stairs to her. “What happened in Madame Lulu’s tent?” She asked, wiping her mouth.

“Let’s get you back inside, then we’ll talk.” Isadora said, concern showing.

“No, no, we don’t have time, and the fresh air is nice.” She replied. “Tell me.”

Klaus took a deep breath before rushing his words. “Madame Lulu doesn’t know if our parents are alive.” He sat next to Violet, tears forming in his eyes as the realisation set in. Violet lifted her head and wrapped her arms around him as Sunny crawled over and put her head in his legs. Duncan and Isadora sat beside them and continued to talk, in hushed voices.

“Madame Lulu isn’t actually Madame Lulu.” Isadora said.

“What?” Violet replied.

“She's Olivia Caliban.” Duncan explained.

“The librarian from Prufrock?” Violet asked.

“Yeah, she’s with VFD.” Isadora said.

“And VFD stands for Volunteer Fire Department.” Duncan said.

“We learnt from, The Incomplete History of Secret Organisations, that they put out figurative fires instead of literal ones.” Isadora added.

“Mum was in it.” Klaus said, looking at Violet, his voice small.

“Mum?” Violet asked and Klaus slowly nodded. “Is that why we have that spyglass thing?” Klaus nodded again. “Then your parents must’ve been in it too.” She said, turning to the Quagmires. “Because you’ve got a spyglass as well.”

“But why did both our homes burn down, if they fought fire?” Duncan asked.

“I wish they were here now.” Klaus added, beginning to cry again.

Violet hugged him tighter. “I know, I know.” She whispered as Duncan, sitting closest reached over to hug him from the other side. Isadora reached her arm around Violet’s shoulder and Sunny curled up between them. The five children sat like that, in the fading evening light crying.

After a while, once everyone’s tears had dried up and the night was beginning to get cold, they stood up, preparing to head inside. But something stopped them - the roaring of a car engine. It was Count Olaf and attached to his car was a trailer with some very ferocious looking lions.

“Caligari Carnival.” He called. “Tomorrow the show is changed, tomorrow I will present to you the greatest freak show anyone has ever seen!”

The five children looked at each other, worry etched into their faces, as Hugo, Collette and Kevin joined them.

“Tomorrow, one of these freaks will be fed to these lions.”

The children felt their hearts drop.

Chapter Text

Chapter Eleven

Panthera Leo

Olaf smirked at the freaks, standing by their caravan, as he climbed down from the car’s hood and made his way into his own tent.

Collette, Kevin and Hugo stared at each other in shock, while Klaus began to whimper and Sunny started crying. Isadora gripped Duncan’s hand under their shirt, whilst Violet pulled the others behind her.

“He can’t do that.” She muttered. “He can’t.”

“Yes he can.” Klaus murmured. “Everyone thinks he’s dead, they won’t stop him.”

“No one will want to watch it, they’ll get no audience, right?” Duncan asked.

“People love sloppy eating and violence.” Isadora said, sadly.

Klaus began to cry and Violet pulled him into a hug. “It’ll be alright, we can stop him, okay, Klaus?”

“We’ve done it before, we can do it again, alright?” Isadora said.

“We can stop him. No one will be eaten by lions.” Duncan said, determination in his eyes.

The children fell silent.

“What do you guys want for dinner then?” Hugo asked, miserably changing the subject.”

The children, not answering the question trailed inside.

Hours later, when Hugo and Collette were playing dominoes and Kevin was making hot chocolate with Sunny, the older children were trying to work out what they could do.

“Well, the odds are that one of us will be chosen, there’s more of us then there is of the three of them.” Violet reasoned.

“We don’t know that for sure.” Duncan replied, shooting Violet a glare as Klaus began whimpering, reaching out to grab his hand.

“We need a plan, maybe we should go see Olivia again?” Isadora asked.

“We won’t have time, she’ll be with Olaf by now, and tomorrow will be too late.” Klaus said. “We might as well give up now, I’ll just be eaten by lions tomorrow.” Duncan gripped his hand tighter.

“No one is going to be eaten tomorrow, Klaus, we're going to solve this and get out and Count Olaf won’t ever touch any of us ever again.” He said, looking Klaus dead in the eyes. “Okay?”

Klaus mumbled something under his breath.

“Okay, Klaus?” He repeated.

“Okay.” Klaus agreed.

“Right, well, what about those carts, the ones on the roller coaster, could we use those to escape?” Duncan asked.

“I don’t know, maybe, I could have a look.” Violet asked.

“We could go right now, check it out.” Isadora explained and the older children stood up to leave.

“Kevin, could you please keep an eye on Sun-Chabo, please?” Elizabeth, Beverly, Elliot and I are just going to go for a short walk.” Klaus said.

“Of course, for a half-wolf Chabo sure can make a great hot chocolate, it was her idea to put cinnamon in it! If she wasn’t a freak she’d grow up to be a great chef!” Kevin said.

“She’s going to be a great chef anyway.” Violet said, proudly.

“Not if she’s eaten by lions tomorrow.” Hugo said, almost cheerfully.

Klaus began to whimper again so Violet quickly pushed him out of the caravan and towards the old roller coaster.

The roller coaster’s carts were old, rusted and covered in ivy.

“Alright, Isadora, Duncan, can you take all that ivy off?” Violet began, moving around to the engine box.

“Klaus, can you help me open this door? It’s rusted shut.”

Klaus moved around the cart to kneel beside Violet and helped her prise the rusty door off the engine. The door fell off, falling to the tracks with a loud clang.

“No one heard that, did they?” Duncan asked, looking around for any sign of movement.

Violet was inspecting the engine,

“It looks alright so far, if I just connect this wire to here, and unplug that, then… oh no.” She said.

“What is it?” Isadora asked.

“There’s no fan belt, and I doubt we’d be able to find one here.” Violet said, attempting to put the door back over the engine.

“Maybe Olivia will know what we can do?” Duncan suggested.

“We’ll try to wake up early tomorrow and speak with her.” Klaus said.

“Let’s get back to the caravan, there’s nothing else we can do here and I don’t like leaving Sunny by herself for too long.” Violet said.

The children made their way to the caravan, but when they arrived, they were surprised to find it empty.

“Where are they?” Duncan asked, grabbing Isadora’s hand.

Klaus was looking around the carnival, searching for any signs of Hugo, Collette, Kevin or Sunny, when he heard Esme’s voice cutting through the cold night,

“Now, freaks, I have a very good deal for you.”

The children took off, rushing as fast as they could, especially for Duncan and Isadora, towards her voice.

As they rounded the corner, Violet called out, “Sorry, sorry, we’re late.”

“Ahh, freaks, there you are.” Esme said. “I was just offering a job to all of the other freaks.”

Hugo spoke up, “She’s offering us to join Count Olaf’s troupe!”

“Join Count Olaf?” Isadora said, a look of horror on her face before Duncan hit her.

“That’s right, two-headed freak.” Esme said. “All you have to do is one little thing for me.”

“What would that be?” Klaus asked cautiously.

“All you need to do is, tomorrow when you are chosen to be eaten I want you to push Madame Lulu in instead!” Esme exclaimed.

The older children looked around at each other, in panic.

“Push Madame Lulu in?” Violet asked.

“Why would we push Madame Lulu into the pit?” Isadora asked.

“Would Count Olaf really want freaks like us in his troupe?” Hugo asked.

“Of course, Count Olaf doesn’t care if you’re hideously freakish or perfectly normal.” Esme said. “As long as you’re brave and committed enough to push Madame Lulu.”

“I don’t think pushing Madame Lulu is particularly brave.” Duncan said.

“Well, if I’m chosen I’ll push her, I’d love to join Count Olaf’s troupe!” Kevin said.

“Me too!” Collette said.

“But wouldn’t it be murder?” Klaus asked.

“But, if you put it in perspective, I want Madame Lulu dead, the crowd gets to see someone eaten by lions, you don’t get eaten by lions and you get to join Count Olaf!” Esme exclaimed.

“When you put it like that, it doesn’t sound so bad! I’ll do it!” Hugo said.

“And I’ve got gifts for all of you!” Esme continued. “For Hugo, I have this extra large coat, when you wear it no one will be able to see your hunchback!”

“Wow! I look like a normal person!” Hugo said, putting it on.

“Collette, I have this big dress, underneath it you can bend into whatever positions you want and no one will be able to see!”

“Oh, thank you Esme!” Collette cried, testing it out.

“For Kevin, I have this small rope. I can tie one arm behind your back and then you’ll only use one hand!”

“Excellent, now I’m not so hideously freakish!” Kevin smiled.

“Here you are, Elizabeth. A razor, so you can shave off your beard.”

“Thanks Esme.” Violet said, a tight smile on her face.

“William, I have some makeup for you, you can put it over that scar.”

Klaus took the makeup with a forced smile.

“Beverly and Elliot, you can have this sack which you can put on one of your heads, so you’ll look normal. I recommend putting it on this one.” She said, laying a manicured hand on Isadora’s cheek, “But perhaps you could switch it up.”

“And finally, for Chabo, I have an extra special offer.” She said, smiling down at Sunny. “The Daily Punctillo said that wolf babies are very in at the moment, so Chabo will become my pet.” She shrieked, excitedly.

Violet gasped, grabbing Klaus’ hand. “Chabo would prefer to stay with us.” She said.

“I don’t care what Chabo would prefer.” She said, picking up a growling Sunny. “Why don’t you sleep on my offer, because if you don’t join us, where will you go?” She asked, turning to walk away, followed by Hugo, Collette and Kevin, as Sunny began to cry.

The four children stared after her, Klaus clutching Violet’s and Duncan’s hands. Violet pulled her hand out of Klaus and started towards Esme, only to be held back by Isadora.

“Let me go, I’m getting my sister back!” She cried, trying to shake her arm free.

“We can’t, Vi.” Isadora said, soothingly as Violet tugged her arm free, “We can’t let Olaf know who we are or who knows what he’ll do to us. Sunny will be fine, she can look after herself.”

“She’s my baby sister!” Violet said, beginning to cry. “I can’t just leave her with them.”

“It’s okay, we’ll get her back, okay?” Duncan said. “We will get her back.”

None of them slept well that night.

Klaus, unable to sleep, moved down to Violet’s bunk and spent the night beside her, like he’d done many times as a young child.

Isadora and Duncan, stuck in the same bunk, spent the night whispering to each other. They discussed countless plans that would get them all out of the carnival safely. But my morning, they had come up with nothing that didn’t involve someone being eaten by lions.

Violet’s mind whirred all night, she was worried about Sunny, worries about her brother, worried about Isadora and Duncan, worried about the other carnival freaks. She worried about Olivia and she worried about Olaf discovering them. She wondered what would happen if they were discovered, but the only conclusion from that thought was that she couldn’t let that happen. Violet spent the whole night worrying about other people, when she should have been worrying about herself.

The next morning, Caligari Carnival was packed.

“How could so many people want to see someone eaten by lions?” Duncana asked.

“It’s disgusting.” Isadora answered. “People are disgusting.”

“Where’s Esme?” Violet asked. “We need to get Sunny.”

“We also need to see Olivia.” Klaus reminded them.

“Isadora and I can go and find Olivia, what was it you needed?” Duncan asked.

“A fan belt.” Violet said. “We’ll find Sunny and meet you at the carts.”

The triplets nodded, and left.

“We gotta find her.” Violet said. “Do you know where Esme was camping?”

“I think she had a tent over there somewhere, that’s where she went last night.” Klaus said, pointing to the far side of the carnival.

“Then that’s where we look, come on.” She said. “We’ve got to hurry, the show will start soon.”

“Madame Lulu?” Isadora called.

“Madame Lulu?” Duncan yelled, poking his head through the gap in the tent.

“Where is she?” Isadora asked.

“I don’t know.” Duncan replied.

“Beverly, Elliot, there you are.” The triplets turned at the sound of Olaf’s voice. “We can’t start the show without it’s stars.” He snarled, grabbing Isadora and Duncan’s shoulders.

Isadora and Duncan froze under his touch.

“Get a move on, freaks.” He shouted, pushing them out of the fortune teller’s tent.

Isadora and Duncan shared a hopeless look. They hadn’t found Olivia or a fan belt. They hoped the Baudelaires had better luck.

The far side of the carnival was deserted, the only noises were the echoing of the shouts from the main tent. The two eldest Baudelaire’s were desperately searching for Sunny.

“Sunny!” Sunny!” Klaus shouted.

“Klaus, don’t call for her, Olaf might hear.” Violet interrupted. “Chabo, Chabo?”

“Elizabeth? William?” The two children heard in response, and turned to face the voice.

It was Esme.

“What are you doing over here?” She asked. “My boyfriend and I have been looking for you. It’s showtime.”

“Sorry, ma’am, we were just heading over, weren’t we, Elizabeth.” Klaus said.

Violet nodded vigorously, before grabbing Klaus’ arm and marching them ahead of the financial advisor.

“What’re we going to do?” She whispered, her staring forwards, as to avoid attention.

“I don’t know.” Klaus said, hopelessly.

Esme caught up to the two children.

“I hope you thought about my offer, freaks.” She said. “Count Olaf would love you in his troupe.”

“We did, ma’am. We have decided that you were right, we were silly to disagree last night. Thank you for this opportunity.” Violet said, sweetly.

“Of course I was right, darling. I’m Esme Squalor.”

Klaus nodded, grabbing onto Violet’s arm.

Klaus and Violet were standing with Hugo, Collette and Kevin by the side of the stage, looking everywhere for Sunny, when the Quagmire triplets appeared in the doorway, Count Olaf’s hand still on Duncan’s shoulder. Count Olaf marched them over to the freaks, pushing them towards Violet and Klaus. Isadora and Duncan stumbled backwards, grabbing onto their friends for stability.

“Did you get it?” Violet murmured into Isadora’s ear, leaning forwards, pretending to pull something out of her hair.

Isadora slowly shook her head.

Violet nodded, solemnly and began to squeeze Klaus’ hand in a sequence of dots and dashes.

Klaus recognised what she was doing immediately, it was Morse code. The two oldest Baudelaires had learnt it while their mother and father were out one afternoon. The power had gone out and the children had amused themselves with a torch and a book on Morse code.

‘No escape.’ She tapped. ‘No fan belt, Olivia, Sunny.’

Klaus squeezed Violet’s hand back.

‘Mob psychology.’

‘Stall.’

The two Baudelaire children both nodded and Klaus leant over to Duncan, speaking as quietly as he could.

“We can’t escape. If picked: stall, mob psychology.” He whispered.

Duncan nodded, before repeating the message to Isadora.

Count Olaf stepped onto the stage, waving his arms theatrically.

“Welcome, welcome.” He said. “Today we will be picking one of these freaks”, He gestured to the children, Kevin, Hugo and Collete, standing by the stage “To be eaten by these lions!” He pointed to the starving lions in the pit, center stage. “Which freak will be the lucky one chosen?”

He walked over to where Olivia was standing, in her Madame Lulu disguise, a box in her hands. Olaf dipped his hand into the box, making a big show of it. He pulled out his arm and began to unfold the piece of paper.

One fold.

Duncan felt his heart speed up.

Two folds.

Klaus gripped Violet’s hand, tightly.

Three folds.

Isadora started breathing heavily.

Four folds.

“Beverly and Elliot!” Count Olaf cried, “the two headed freak!”

Duncan and Isadora gasped, gripping each other's hands.

“Come on up, and jump, freak!” Olaf exclaimed.

“No, no!” Violet cried, “I’ll do it instead!”

“No, pick me!” Klaus yelled, desperately. “Let me do it!”

“No.” Olaf said “I chose Beverly and Elliot, so Beverly and Elliot will jump.”

Isadora and Duncan slowly made their way towards Olaf and the pit.

“What’re we gonna do?” Duncan muttered.

“Stall.” Isadora replied. “Vi, will come up with something.”

The two triplets edged their way onto the thin board, suspended above the lions, their hearts pounding. The lions below them were snapping their jaws as they leaped up towards them.

“Jump!” Olaf cried.

The triplets looked at each other, both thinking the same thing.

“It’s a wicked thing to do.” Duncan murmured.

“What choice do we have?” Isadora replied.

The two children turned to face Olaf.

“We were thinking…” Isadora began.

“Thinkin’ with both heads.” Duncan continued.

“That it might be more violent if someone pushed us.” Isadora finished.

The audience began to cheer and chant.

“Who do you think should push you, freak?” Olaf asked.

“Well, we were thinkin’ you.” Duncan said.

“It is your brilliant idea, after all.” Isadora finished.

“Of course.” Olaf said, stepping towards them before jumping back as the lions leaped up the side of the pit.

“Actually, I can’t.” He said. “Cat allergies, this is as far as I can go.” He faked a sneeze.

“What about Madame Lulu!” Esme called out, staring significantly at the children out over the pit.

The audience, growing impatient, began to call again,

“Just jump!”

“I want to see someone eaten by lions!”

“If you won’t do it, I’ll push them!”

“No!” Hugo cried. “I’ll do it!”

“No, let me!” Kevin shouted, “I can do it with my equally strong hands!”

“I’m brave enough to join Count Olaf’s troupe!” Collete called.

“Join my troupe?” Olaf sputtered.

“Oh, what a wonderful idea!” Esme said, as if she hadn’t thought of it.

“I’ll do it!” Called the Bald Man. “I don’t want freaks like you for coworkers!”

“No! Let me!” The Hook Handed Man cried.

“I guess I could do it.” The Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender said, unenthusiastically.

“Let us!” The two White Faced Women said in unison.

It was total chaos.

The carnival freaks began to fight Olaf’s hench people, all trying to get up to the pit. The crowd began to push out from the bleachers, chanting and cheering. Klaus and Violet were searching the tent, using the chaos to look for Sunny.

“Is this the kind of reaction you were hoping for?” Duncan asked Isadora.

“Nah, but I approve.” Isadora replied.

“Enough!” Olaf shouted, silencing the circus tent. “Madame Lulu will just push the freak in.”

Isadora and Duncan gasped, grabbing each other’s hands as Olivia stepped towards them.

“What do we do?” Isadora breathed, her eyes welling with tears.

“I don’t know, children.” Olivia said, a sad smile on her face.

“Hurry up!” Olaf shouted.

“We’re building suspense.” Duncan said.

“The suspense has been built. Just push the freaks, Madame Lulu.” Olaf snapped.

“Just trust me.” Olivia said, and she pushed them.

Duncan and Isadora screamed as they flew over the pit, landing with a thump on the other side.

“Go!” Olivia shouted. “I’m right behind you!”

Isadora and Duncan scrambled to their feet, before racing out of the tent. Violet and Duncan, around the side saw what was going on and raced out, after the triplets.

“And I always have been.” Olivia said, pulling out her spyglass and turning to Olaf. “I’m a Volunteer.” She said determination in her face.

“Thank you for volunteering.” Olaf said, his voice deadpan. He lent down, pulling a knife from his pocket and smirked as he cut the rope holding the plank up.

Olivia fell, screaming, into the lion pit.

“That sounded like Olivia.” Violet said, her eyes welling with tears.

“What do we do?” Duncan asked, sniffling.

“We can’t leave, we don’t have Sunny, Olaf probably knows who we are.” Klaus cried, his voice, growing more panicked and getting louder with every word. “Olivia’s gone, Olaf’s going to kill Sunny, Olaf’s going to kill us. Except for Violet. He’ll keep her alive to get the fortune, but he’ll probably kill us in front of her, just to torture her. And you guys, who’s older? It’ll be the same, except he probably won’t care about that, it’s only a few minutes anyway, he’ll keep Isadora, probably, because he’s a disgusting piece of shit, and, and, and.” Klaus began to cry, as they raced into Olivia’s fortune telling tent.

“Klaus, we gotta come up with something, okay?” Violet said. “I need your researcher brain, you can’t shut down now, alright?”

“Violet, can you look around for a fan belt?” Isadora said, trying to remove her disguise.

Duncan knelt down next to Klaus, pulling Isadora with him, as he tried to comfort him.

“Here!” Violet called. “If I pull this apart, then I can… I got it!”

“See if you can find anything important.” Isadora said, still struggling with the costume.

Klaus took a deep breath, “Hang on, let me help.” He said, standing up and wiping his face. “I’m sorry, I just…” He trailed off.

“It’s alright, Klaus, we’ll talk about it soon.” Duncan said.

“The Incomplete History of Secret Organisations.” Klaus said, pointing to a table where the book was laying.

“Grab it.” Isadora said, “What’s that on top?”

“It’s a map.” Klaus said. “Of the ‘Valley of Four Drafts.’”

“VFD.” Violet gasped.

“There’s no markings, though.” Duncan said, helping Isadora up. “Just leave the costume, we’ll fix it later.” She said to him.

“I wish Quigley was here.” Isadora said. “He was always mucking around with maps.”

“He wanted to be a cartographer.” Duncan said sadly.

“I think this coffee stain here is a marking.” Klaus said. “If it’s a secret organisation then they wouldn’t mark it.”

“We’ve got to go there.” Isadora said.

“But for now we gotta find Sunny and get out of here.” Violet said.

“Where would you be going?” Olaf said as he cut around the corner, into the tent.

“Oh, Count Olaf.” Violet said, pulling Klaus behind her.

“What are you freaks doing?” He asked, “We’re leaving now.”

“We?” Duncan asked.

“Yes.” He said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, “My troupe?”

“We’re in your troupe?” Klaus stammered.

“Of course.”

“But surely you wouldn’t want cowards like us in your troupe.” Isadora reasoned.

“Well, it’s always good to have a few spares around and anyway, we’ve already set those old roller coaster carts on fire, so it’s not like you have another choice.”

“Fire?” Violet asked.

“Carts?” Klaus asked.

“Another choice?” Duncan asked.

“Are you stupid as well as ugly, freaks?” Count Olaf snarled. “Get anything else that might be useful and put it in the car.”

“There’s nothing.” Klaus immediately answered, scrunching his fist around the map.

“Then what’s that?” Olaf asked, grabbing Klaus’ wrist and pulling the map from his hand.

“Valley of Four Drafts… oh, I see.” Count Olaf said, reading the map. “And what’s that? Food! Don’t you think that might be useful for a long journey, freaks?” He rolled his eyes. “Put it in the car then light this tent on fire.” He said, giving Violet a torch and leaving.

“We’d better grab it.” Violet said sadly and shepherded the other children out. She turned around and threw the torch at the tent, it lit immediately, burning all the files and information that the children never got to read.

“You freaks can travel in the caravan.” Olaf said. “There’s no room in the car.”

The other children nodded but Violet spoke up, “Do you know where Chabo is?”

“Yes, Chabo will be traveling with my girlfriend in the car.”

“Chabo would prefer to travel with us.” Isadora said

“I don’t care what Chabo would prefer.” Olaf said, echoing his girlfriend. “Just get in the caravan.”

The children sadly trailed through the caravan door.

“At least we’re going to VFD headquarters?” Isadora said, trying to stay positive.

“Mm.” Klaus said.

“Should we take our disguises off?” Duncan asked.

“Better keep them on, he could look through the window.” Violet said, an arm around Klaus,

“Will Sunny be alright?” Klaus asked Violet.

“She’ll be fine.” She soothed. “I bet you she’ll be biting Esme as we speak.”

Sunny was biting Esme. She’d been biting her for the past few hours. She was getting fidgety and wanted her siblings. They were just in the caravan, though she said, trying to soothe herself, they hadn’t forgotten about her and they were coming to get her. In the meantime, she bit Esme. If she had to sit here, she was going to make the most of it.

“Freaks.” Count Olaf’s voice crackled over the loudspeaker. “Look out the window.”

The children all stood up and made their way to the window.

They saw Hugo, Collette and Kevin, hanging out of the boot holding big knives.

“No, no!” Isadora yelled. “Don’t do it!”

“I didn’t need Madame Lulu to tell me where the Baudelaires and Quagmires were.” He smirked. “I figured that out all on my own.”

The freaks began to cut the rope, attaching the caravan to the car.

“No, no. Stop! Stop it,” Duncan yelled.

“Sunny! Sunny!” Violet screamed as the rope began to split.

“Sunny!” Klaus yelled.

The rope broke and the four children tumbled backwards, screaming as they rolled backwards.

Sunny, sitting in the front seat on Esme’s lap began to cry.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twelve

Snow Scouts are Accommodating...

As the caravan rolled backwards down the mountain, the children fell, screaming, to the floor. Violet grabbed Klaus’ arm to pull him up and ripped off her fake beard, searching for her ribbon. She’s quickly tied up her hair, holding onto the bunk for support as the caravan rolled, precariously on two wheels. The sudden jolt threw Klaus, Duncan and Isadora, sending them sprawling across the small space.

Isadora and Duncan pulled themselves up and out of the disguise, helping Klaus to his feet and then mirroring Violet’s stance.

“Grab something long and see if you can stop the wheel, Klaus.” She yelled, grabbing the bedspreads for the bunks and flopping to the ground. “Duncan see if you can sticky stuff, mix it all up.” She shouted, over the rumbling of the wheels. Violet began to tie the bedspreads together, ripping strands apart to make string. “Isadora, get that table.”

The caravan was running out of road. Klaus, standing at the window, began to scream again. Violet leapt to her feet, kicking off the door and tying the drag chute to the side of the caravan. “When I say go, pour that stuff out over the wheels, Duncan.” 

Violet staggered to the verandah and let go of the drag chute. “Go!” She screamed as the caravan began to slow down. “Keep that stick there Klaus.” She screamed over the noise, “Isadora, quick! Bring the table.”

Isadora slid the table forwards and Violet held it out the door, pushing the legs onto the road.

The children all screamed as the caravan flew off the end of the road and they were thrown back.

Isadora sat up slowly, she wasn’t dead. She wasn’t dead! She grabbed Duncan’s arm, and pulled him up as Klaus and Violet climbed to their feet. The caravan was suspended off the cliff, the drag chute had become caught on a branch.

“Try not to think about falling.” Isadora said as she pulled herself to the door and reached for the cliff.

“It’s impossible to think about anything else.” Duncan said.

After Isadora and Duncan had moved out of the way, the eldest Baudelaires began to pull themselves up the dusty cliff.

Violet, slightly ahead of Klaus reached the top first, grabbing Isadora’s hand and pulled herself over the top. Violet then out her hand for Klaus to grab, pulling him up after her.

The four children sat on top of the cliff, on the dirty road, in disbelief.

“We’re alive.” Duncan said in amazement.

“We’re alive!” Isadora repeated, joyfully.

“We’re alive, but we’re not okay.” Violet said, rationally, “Count Olaf still has Sunny.”

“Sunny’s a fighter.” Klaus said, trying to reassure himself as much as the others.

“And a biter.” Duncan added, causing the children to laugh.

Meanwhile, halfway up Mount Fraught in a sinister villain's car, Sunny Baudelaire sat in the passenger seat biting Esme Squalor.

“Oh! This baby keeps biting me.” Esme complained, holding her at arm's length.

“Just put her in the glove compartment.” Olaf said. “Today is a good day. Two out of three of the Baudelaire orphans and their bratty little friends have toppled off a cliff and been smashed flat underneath a caravan.”

“I don’t think we can be sure that Violet and Klaus are dead.” The Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender said, squished between Esme and Olaf in the front, “They have gotten out of a lot of difficult situations, especially since they met the Quagmire triplets.”

“Don’t say that!” Olaf chided. “Of course they’re dead, no one could survive that fall. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to hear the splat, or whatever sound rich kids make when they fall off a cliff!” He laughed, throwing his bottle of sarsaparilla out the window. 

“What about your tattoos?” One of the hench people asked and Sunny stopped listening.

It couldn’t be true, could it? Her siblings couldn’t be dead.

The children had been walking for what seemed like hours, and as they climbed higher and higher the air got colder and colder.

“Sunny will be alright, as long Olaf thinks we’re dead she’s safe.” Violet said, wiping the powder off her face.

“She won’t be safe until we are all together again.” Klaus argued, rubbing at the fake scar over his eye.

“We need to hurry.” Duncan said. “The higher we go, the colder it’s going to get, and I don’t know about you guys but this Prufrock uniform isn’t very warm.” 

Isadora nodded, her teeth chattering. “Where are we gonna go?”

“We’re going to find VFD and Sunny.” Violet said and the others fell silent.

After a while, they came to a signpost and after they cleaned the snow off they read the choices.

“Valley of Four Drafts.” Violet said, “VFD is this way.”

Isadora spotted a glass bottle lying by the side of the road. “This isn’t fully frozen.” She said, “Count Olaf went this way.”

The children looked at each other, before they heard a buzzing sound.

“What’s that?” Duncan asked.

“Oh no.” Klaus said.

“What are they?” Isadora asked.

“Snow Gnats.” Klaus answered. “I read about them in a very obscure book.”

“What did you read about them?” Violet asked. 

“They’re very ill tempered insects.” Klaus stated.

“Anything else?” Duncan asked.

“Yeah, they sting.” Klaus said.

“I think we should go that way.” Isadora said, pointing to the way they’d just come.

“I agree.” Violet said and the children began to run.

“What stops them?!” Duncan cried as they ran.

“Smoke.” Klaus answered.

“Smoke? How’re we supposed to get smoke out here?” Violet said.

“I don’t know!” Isadora yelled.

The children kept running, occasionally yelling out as they were stung, until they came to a cave.

“Look!” Isadora pointed to the Snow Gnats, who had backed away.

“They must be scared of something in this cave.” Violet said.

“Let’s hope it’s not a hibernating animal.” Duncan said as they made their way through the entrance.

“Oh no.” Klaus said as a figure approached them.

“Ugh, this baby won’t stop complaining, no matter how many times I pinch her!” Esme complained, pinching Sunny,

“Ow!” Sunny exclaimed.

“See what I mean?” Esme asked.

“This doesn’t look like VFD headquarters, boss.” The Hook Handed Man said, looking around.

“Someone must have read the map wrong!” Olaf growled.

“Well, it’s not my fault, darling, you know I hate to read, and anyway I thought you said you’d been here before.” Esme said.

“I was blindfolded,” Olaf said. “Stupid secret organisations and their stupid secrecy.”

“Iqu.” Sunny said, meaning “You’re stupid.”

“If the surviving parent is hiding at VFD headquarters, then burning it down will solve all of our problems!”

“Woe.” Sunny said, meaning “We will stop you.”

“Ha ha ha, you’ll never stop us, if that’s what you mean.” Olaf laughed.

“That is what she means.” The Hook Handed Man said.

“I am literally and figuratively at my peak!” Olaf exclaimed, grandly.

“Technically, it’s more of a plateau.” The Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender said.

“Set up the tents, oh and someone should probably get those freaks out of the trunk.” Olaf said, dismissively. 

The Bald Man opened the trunk and Kevin, Hugo and Colette climbed out.

“Oh, it’s so cold!” Hugo said.

“My equally strong hands are equally in need of some mittens.” Kevin said.

“This cold wind is making my hopelessly contorted body shiver!” Collette exclaimed.

“Go chop firewood, freak.” The Bald Man said, handing Kevin an axe.

“At least we’ll have a nice warm fire?” Collette said.

“Oh no, you can’t stay in our campsite.” One of the White-Faced Women said.

“Yeah, I had to sleep in the trunk.” The Hook-Handed Man said.

“We did sleep in the trunk!” Kevin exclaimed.

“We could barely breathe in there!” Hugo cried.

“Aww, precious snowflake wants to breathe?” The other White-Faced Woman said.

Kevin moved off to chop wood and Collette trailed after him, Hugo stayed behind a moment.

“I thought working for Count Olaf would be glamorous and fun, but so far I have had my selfworth degraded, undoing years of therapy, aided in kidnapping and murder and spent a bumpy ride in the trunk of a car. I’ll be honest, I’m really starting to question my life choices, and you should too!”

“Aww, previous snowflake wants to question his life choices?” The White-Faced Women said in unison.

“Not like us, not like us!” The troupe began to chant.

“Stop standing around, freaks.” Olaf snarled at them.

“Go away Cakesniffers. This is a private cave!” The figure said. 

“Carmelita Spats.” Isadora said, disbelief in her voice.

“Who are you talking to, Carmelita?” A female voice from the cave said.

“They’re in our cave so obviously they’re cakesniffers!” Carmelita cried. “Wait a minute, I know you. You’re the Baudelaires and the Quagmires! You went to Prufrock Prep and then Vice Princie expelled you!”

“No, no, we’re not them, we’re mountain climbers.” Isadora said.

“We’ve never been to Prufrock Prep.” Klaus said.

“Then why are they wearing the uniform?” Carmelita asked.

“He didn’t expel us!” Duncan exclaimed.

“Perhaps we should let them in.” The woman said, coming up behind Carmelita. “It would be accommodating, it’s the first word of the Snow Scout pledge after all!”

“No, no, Scoutmaster Brucie, they’re obviously the Baudelaires and Quagmires, look at their little orphan faces!”

“You’re Snow Scouts?” Violet asked.

“That’s right. Troop 113 is the most exclusive Snow Scout troop in the city. Only children with rich, living parents are allowed to join!” Carmelita boasted.

“They make me carry their luggage.” Brucie said sadly.

“It’s designer.” Carmelita said matter of-factly.

“You should carry your owner luggage, Carmelita. Come in and warm yourselves by the fire, travelers.” Another scout from inside the cave came forward. “We have extra coats and masks.”

“Why would we need masks?” Violet asked.

“If you’re outside, they keep the Snow Gnats away.”

“And if you’re inside they make for a Very Furtive Disguise.” The mysterious scout with a fencing mask on, said.

The four children looked at each other. 

“VFD.” Klaus whispered,

Sunny put her tent up in a matter of minutes. She sat inside, shivering in the thin rags of her ‘Chabo’ disguise, watching, with a smile on her face, Olaf’s troupe trip over themselves in an effort to put their own tent up.

“Maybe she can give us some tips.” One of them said.

Sunny just rolled her eyes, as if she’d help them.

“Babylaire!” Olaf snarled. “Get me some water.” He threw a bucket towards her, which narrowly avoided hitting her.

“Egei.” Sunny said. “I hate you.”

“I have no idea what you said, just get me the water.” He rolled his eyes as he headed back into his tent.

Sunny sighed and lifted the bucket, that was almost as big as her, and lugged it to the frozen stream. She found a stick and tapped it on the ice in an effort to break through to get some water.

Esme and Olaf stick their heads out of their tent,

“Look at that useless baby.” Esme said. “She can’t even get water from a frozen stream!”

“Look at her, trying to carry a bucket!” Olaf cried.

They both laughed and headed back inside.

Sunny sat, sadly, on the ice unenthusiastically tapping at the frozen water beneath her.

“Hey, baby, what are you doing?” The Hook Handed Man said, kneeling down beside her.

Sunny ignored him and continued tapping with her stick.

“Here, let me help you.” He lifted his hook and smashed it into the ice, cracking it enough for Sunny to dip her bucket in.

“I made you this outfit.” He said, sheepishly, “The boss would hate if you froze to death before he could get your fortune.” 

“You’ve got some cinders on your face, Chabo.” The man said, softly, pulling out a handkerchief and handing it to Sunny.

Sunny took it and rubbed all the dirt off her face.

“You know, between you and me, I hope that one of your parents is alive.” He said. “It wasn’t my idea to drop your sibling to their deaths, you know.”

Sunny looked up at him.

“I know what it’s like losing family.” He said.

“Orphan?” Sunny spoke up for the first time.

“No, no. I’m just not in contact with them any more.” He said, sadly.

“Hooky!” Came Olaf’s voice. “What’re you doing with the baby?”

“Just making sure she’s not up to something, boss.” He called. “Get a move on, brat he said fondly.

“Ayiee!” Sunny cried, meaning “I was talking to you!”

“And then.” Carmelita said. “Cinderella said that she had an even more adorable younger sister named Carmelita. So the prince married her instead and then she divorced him and took all of his money! The end.” Carmelita smiled. Before talking again. “And now I’ll tell you all the story of Snow White and her even more adorable sister, Carmelita!”

“Carmelita,” Scout Master Brucie began, “You’ve told nine stories already. Maybe someone else would like to tell one, I’m sure mountain climbers have plenty of interesting things to share!” She said, turning to the four children.

“Oh, we’d rather not share.” Violet said.

“You should really be more accommodating,” She said, and all the scouts around the fireplace joined in “After all, Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, naploving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young and zippered every morning, every afternoon, every night and all day long!”

“That can’t honestly be your pledge.” Violet said.

“How can anyone be xylophone?” Klaus asked.

“We couldn’t think of anything else that started with x.” Brucie admitted.

“What about x…” Klaus began.

“You can’t change the words of the Snow Scout Alphabet pledge!” Carmelita cried. “The whole point of the Snow Scouts is that we do the same thing over and over again! We wear the same parkas, we climb Mount Fraught and I’m always crowned False Spring Queen!”

“It doesn’t have to be you.” Brucie added.

“Yes it does!” Carmelita said, quickly.

“What’s False Spring?” Isadora asked.

“Anyone whose not a cakesniffer knows that False Spring is when the weather gets unusually warm before getting cold again.”

“Are you sure you don’t have a story?” The masked scout asked. “I’d like to hear a very fascinating drama.”

“We know all kinds of stories…” Violet said slowly. “About vain fashionable divas.”

“And vinegar flavored donuts.” Isadora said.

“We haven’t had a very fun day.” Duncan added.

“Have you read the story of Anna Karenina?” The masked scout asked.

“Yes, when we were little, our mother had to stop and explain all the different themes to us…”

“Boring!” Carmelita interrupted.

“Anna Karenina is a classic piece of Russian literature!” Klaus said, angrily.

“That’s another word for boring!”

“Carmelita’s right and I feel sick from eating so many marshmallows.” Brucie said, standing up. “Everyone get into your sleeping bags. We have some spare horse blankets that you can sleep on, if you want, travelers.”

“You cakesniffers should sleep far away from us. Those blankets smell like nail polish.” Carmelita sneered.

“That’s because you spilt nail polish on them.” The masked scout said, showing the children to the pile.

“The fire should die out soon.” The mysterious scout said. “Some things are easier to find in the dark.”

“Like what?” Violet asked. 

“Missing persons.”

“Come on.” Carmelita called. “We don’t socialize with orphans. ” She spat out the last word, as if it was the worst thing she could say.

The children sat down on the blankets.

“What do you think he wants?” Isadora asked.

“I don’t know, but he’s right. It’ll be easier to find Sunny when it’s dark.” Violet said.

“Or VFD.” Duncan said.

“Or our parents.” Klaus said, his voice small.

“He must be with VFD.” Duncan said.

“But why did he mention Anna Karenina?” Violet asked.

“We’ll find out when the fire dies out.” Isadora said.

“We may as well get some sleep.” Klaus said and lay down.

“These blankets do smell like nail polish.” Duncan smirked.

“Why were you smelling them, cakesniffer.” Isadora joked, elbowing her brother.

The four children began to laugh quietly. They didn’t notice the masked scout quietly, and somewhat sadly, watching them from his sleeping bag.

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirteen

The Vernacularly Fastened Door

Long after Isadora and Duncan had fallen asleep, Klaus sat up slowly, tugging on Violet’s sleeve.

“Violet.” He said, “If one of our parents did survive, which one do you think it was?”

This was the first time that the eldest Baudelaires had talked about the possibility of their parents being alive in an emotional way. The other conversations had been hurried plans, determined investigations or panicked whisperings. Violet and Klaus had both spent nights, wrapped away in their thoughts of simpler times when they lived in a big house in a nice neighborhood with both parents and their baby sister. Their old postcard-family life was long gone, replaced with a life on the run and full of unfortunate events.

“There’s no way to know.” Violet answered, slowly.

“I keep wondering anyway.” Klaus replied, before laying back down and falling silent again.

Violet, determined to stay awake, curled into a ball, staring at the dying flames as they sputtered out. She saw the shadowy figure approach their pile of blankets. 

“Who are you?” Violet asked. The figure only raised a finger to where their lips would be, if their face wasn’t hidden behind a mask.

Violet rolled her eyes, and leant over to shake Klaus, Isadora and Duncan. The three children all opened their eyes and sat up, groggily rubbing their eyes. Violet motioned to the scout and they all stood up, and quietly followed the scout to the back of the cave.

“You can take your mask off now, they’re all asleep.” Isadora said.

“You can never be too careful.” The scout replied.

“How do we know we can trust you?” Duncan asked, his journalist scepticism kicking in.

“Xenial.” The scout replied.

“I’m sorry?” Violet asked

“At the campfire, you said that no one could be ‘xylophone.’ Xenial is a word meaning showing kindness to strangers, that starts with x. I know that having a good vocabulary doesn’t prove anything, but in my experience good people are typically well-read.”

The children nodded.

“What are you doing?” They heard Carmelita say and the children immediately snapped their heads towards her voice. “Give me those earrings, Rachael.” The children realised that she was talking in her sleep and they all breathed a sigh of relief.

The masked Scout pointed up the wall to a faded plaque on the wall that read ‘Vertical Flame Diversion.’

“I was wondering how the smoke got out.” Klaus said.

“I had to wait until the fire died out to show you.” The masked scout replied. “VFD Headquarters is up there.” He claimed, pointing up.

He grabbed the bottom rung of the ladder and began to pull himself up.

Violet looked around at the others and shrugged, before grabbing a rung and pulling herself up behind him.

“Look what I found darling!” Esme called, “A pack of strange green cigarettes, just lying in the snow as if someone dropped them whilst running for their life!”

Olaf peered at them before saying, “I’m mentoring the henchpeople, pet.”

“Oh!” Esme exclaimed.

“A catchphrase, a word which here means a catchy phrase, should be something you can use in every situation and it should be rooted in the truth.” Olaf explained. “That’s why, when I perform I ignore the script and say whatever comes to mind!”

The henchpeople all nodded.

“Let’s give it a try.” He said, pointing to the hench people in turn.

Sunny, sitting in an ice fort, decided that now would be a good time to escape. She pushed on one of the ice blocks until it popped out of place and then she crawled out the hole. She toddled around, behind Olaf’s car, looking for something that could help her escape.

“Hey, the baby’s gone.” She heard the Hook Handed Man say.

“That’s a terrible catchphrase!” Olaf exclaimed.

“Hey, the baby’s gone!” Esme exclaimed.

Sunny looked around, desperately, for an escape route. There wasn’t one.

“Where were you going?” Olaf sneered. “You can’t survive on a mountain alone. You’ve always had your bratty siblings to look after you, but they’re gone now and you’re all alone!” He shouted at Sunny.

Esme picked her up, gingerly holding her at arm's length as Olaf found a birdcage to stuff her into.

“Rerun.” Sunny said. 

The Hook Handed Man was sitting by Sunny’s birdcage.

“No way! This is totally different from the last time we locked you in a birdcage.” Said the Hook Handed Man. “This birdcage is bigger.”

“Why?” Sunny asked.

“I don’t know, I think it’s for trapping eagles.” 

Sunny rolled her eyes. 

“Why help Olaf?”

“You’re asking why a grown man would knowingly participate in morally questionable behaviour? You’ll understand when you're older.”

Sunny rolled her eyes again and sat back in her cage. “No excuse.” She said.

“Look, I didn’t make out to be a hench person, I was going to be a marine biologist! But oftentimes, when you want to be an actor you end up in a life of crime instead.”

The climb up the Vertical Flame Diversion was long and hard. They climbed in almost silence, trying to avoid waking up the snow scouts.

“What do you think we’ll find up there?” Klaus asked.

“I know what I hope we’ll find.” Violet said, smiling down at him.

The masked scout reached the top first and extended a hand down for Violet to grab. She smiled at the scout as she pulled herself up, leaning over to help pull Klaus out.

Once out, the children stepped towards a big, heavy door. 

“What is it?” Isadora asked.

“It’s called the Vernacularly Fastened Door.” The scout replied.

“So it unlocks with language?” Klaus asked, running his fingers over the typewriter.

“Yes, you have to type in three phrases, but if you get them wrong, it locks forever.” The scout explained.

“What are the phrases?” Duncan asked.

“The first one is the scientist most widely credited for the discovery of gravity.” The scout answered.

“That’s easy, Sir Isaac Newton.” Violet said, tapping the keys on the typewriter.

“The second is the scientific name of the lions in the hinterlands.” The scout said.

“Panthera Leo.” Duncan answered, moving to the door.

“And the last one is the theme of the book Anna Karenina, but I haven’t read it.”

“The theme of the book, Anna Karenina, is that a rural life of moral simplicity, despite its monotony, is the preferable personal narrative to a daring life of impulsive passion, which only leads to tragedy." Klaus said.

“That’s a very long theme.” The scout replied.

“It’s a very long book.” Violet said.

Klaus finished typing it in and the mechanism spun, with a clicking sound before it froze.

“Maybe the mechanism is stuck.” Violet said.

“Or maybe a rural life of moral simplicity, despite its monotony, is the preferable personal narrative to a daring life of impulsive passion, only leads to something else.” Isadora said.

The children stared, desperately, at the door.

It clicked and swung open.

“The mechanism was stuck.” Violet breathed a sigh of relief.

Isadora took a deep breath and then pushed the door open.

“Babylaire!” Olaf called. “Make me some breakfast!”

Sunny, still sitting inside the birdcage looked incredulously at him.

“Hoedyl.” She cried, meaning. “You locked me in a birdcage, you bastard.”

The Hook Handed man looked shocked. 

“I can’t understand a thing you say.” Olaf said. 

“She said that you locked her in a cage and she can’t get out.” The Hook Handed Man said.

“Hooky, unlock the cage and let the baby out.” Olaf ordered.

“Yes, boss!” The Hook Handed Man took the key from his pocket and opened up the cage.

Sunny climbed out, stretching her legs. She stood up and headed towards Olaf’s car. Inside the boot she found a frozen jug of orange juice, some coffee grounds and a frozen loaf of bread. The Hook Handed Man came up behind her.

“Frozen.” Sunny said, tapping on the jug of orange juice.

“I think we can do better than that, don’t you?” He asked.

He led Sunny to the frozen stream, smashed his hook through the ice and fished around under the ice.

“The ice is pretty thin, false spring must be coming.” He said, pulling his hook out of  the cold water, a big fish attached to it.

He began to hit the fish with his hooks, chopping it into little pieces as Sunny used her sharp teeth to chip at the frozen orange juice. Once they had finished, Sunny took the handkerchief to wipe some chips of ice off the Hook Handed Man’s face. His face softened to a smile, as he looked over at the little girl.

“Come on then.” He said, offering her his hook. 

“Look what the baby made!” The Hook Handed Man said, grandly. “Sashimi, orange ice and toast tartare!” 

“I had my doubts about putting a baby in charge of the cooking…” One of the White Faced Women said.

“But this is delicious!” The other finished.

“It’s a shame that we are constantly exploiting her when we could be nurturing her talent for the collective good.” The Henchperson Of Indeterminate Gender said.

“What is this?” Olaf snarled, walking up to the breakfast table. “I ask you to cook me a nice, hot breakfast and you give me this?”

“Is it safe to eat raw toast?” Esme asked.

“Of course it’s not! This baby is trying to poison us.” Olaf shouted, dragging the tablecloth off the table, spilling the food all over the ground.

“I wanted a nice hot breakfast, and instead you bring me this disgusting, cold nonsense.” Olaf snarled. “Perhaps I ought to throw you off Mount Fraught right now, to teach you a lesson.”

Sunny backed away, until she was flat against the car, fear in her eyes.

“I’m just kidding.” Olaf smirked. “I need you alive to get your fortune!”

Suddenly Olaf shivered.

“Does anyone else get the feeling of distinct evil?” One of the White Faced Women said.

Two figures appeared, a man with no hair and a beard and a woman with hair and no beard.

“Mummy! Daddy!” Olaf squeaked.

“Come now, Olaf.” The man said.

“Is that anyway to greet the people who raised you?” The woman finished.

“Boss.” The Hook Handed Man said. “Are these your parents?”

“Only figuratively.” Olaf muttered.

“What have you been doing with your life?” The man asked.

“I’m an actor.” Olaf said.

His mentors scoffed.

“This is my troupe.” He said, pointing behind him.

“And this is my girlfriend, that’s right, I have a girlfriend!” Olaf said.

“Good morning, I’m Esme Gigi Geni…” Esme was interrupted by the woman.

“Squalor. We know all about you.” She said.

“How did 667 Dark Avenue work out for you?” The man asked.

“Jerome and I are taking a break.” Esme explained.

“We meant with the Quagmires.” The woman said.

“Who? Oh the Quagmires, oh goodness it’s been so long, I don’t really remember.” Esme said.

“Allow us to remind you, you lost those children, after we went to so much trouble to keep their parents in Peru.”

“Actually, I killed those children.” Olaf said.

“What?” The woman with hair and no beard.

“I dropped them off a cliff, along with her siblings.” Olaf said, pointing to Sunny.

“Who is this?” The man with no hair and a beard asked.

“That’s Sunny Baudelaire, I threw her siblings off a cliff and now I’m keeping her as my servant, look who's not a total disappointment after all!” Olaf said.

“An infant servant, I had one of those before the schism.” The woman said.

“The schism was a long time ago, that baby must be all grown up by now.” The Hook Handed Man said.

“Not necessarily.” The woman said.

“Well, if you’ll excuse me.” Olaf said, turning to his mentors. “My troupe and I need to go burn down VFD headquarters.”

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about VFD Headquarters.” The man said.

The heavy door swung open, revealing a completely blackened room.

“It’s all gone.” Isadora gasped.

“Burnt.” Duncan said.

“Mother!” Violet called.

“Father?” Klaus yelled.

“Mother?”

“Father?”

“There’s no one here.” The masked scout said.

“But Jacques Snicket said that there was a survivor of the fire, and Olivia said that they’d be here.” Klaus said, his voice breaking.

“There is a survivor of the fire.” The masked scout said.

“Where?” Violet asked.

“Here.” The masked scout said. “I survived the fire that destroyed my home.” He took his mask off and said, “I’m Quigley Quagmire.”

Isadora’s face twisted up, her eyes watering. Duncan’s lip quivered and he started crying.

“Quigley?” They said in unison.

Quigley nodded and the triplets rushed to each other. Isadora and Duncan launching themselves at their brother.

Violet motioned to her brother, and the two Baudelaires left the room, giving the triplets some privacy.

“We thought you were dead.” Isadora managed before she started bawling.

“I’m not.” Quigley giggled, tears running down his cheeks. “I tried to look for you, but Jacques said I should stay hidden.”

“We missed you so much.” Duncan cried.

“You’re not ever leaving our sight again.” Isadora said, her arms wrapped tightly around him.

The three triplets sat like that for a while, arms around each other, tears falling down their faces.

Eventually, they stood up, Isadora holding Quigley’s arm on one side, Duncan on the other and walked into the old library where Klaus and Violet were searching the shelves for any remaining books. The two Baudelaires heard the triplets approaching and made their way towards the charred doorway.

“I’m Violet Baudelaire and this is my brother, Klaus.” Violet said.

“Hi. We were hoping to find one of our parents up here, but we’re glad we found you.” Klaus said.

“I’m sorry, we really don’t have time for this. Count Olaf has Sunny and we need to get her back.” Violet said, pushing past the Quagmires.

Quigley nodded, “You helped save my siblings, Baudelaires, let me help you save yours.”

“They didn’t save us!” Isadora joked.

“What makes you think that Isadora and I didn’t save them?” Duncan smirked.

Quigley punched both of his siblings. “What can we do to help?”

Chapter Text

Chapter Fourteen

Up the Waterfall

“You don’t have to worry about VFD headquarters, because we already burnt them down.” The woman with hair and no beard said.

“Fire can solve any problem in the world.” The man with no hair and a beard said.

“For instance, we heard a nasty rumor that the survivor of a recent fire was hiding at VFD Headquarters, so we paid it a visit.” The woman said.

“There’s no survivors now.” The man continued.

“No!” Sunny gasped.

Olaf shot her a glare. “When you say that, do you mean you killed them or you didn’t find them, I’m a little unclear on that.” Olaf asked.

“The place was deserted, the rumors were obviously false.” The man said.

“Although we did run into one of your old... associates.” The woman began. “The Snicket girl.”

“What did you do with her?” Olaf asked.

“She got away, although she won’t get far, she’s on the mountain and she’s all alone.” The man said.

The five children stood on the burnt front porch, staring up the mountain. 

“Look!” Klaus exclaimed. “Green smoke!”

“That’s a verdant flammable device.” Quigley said. “VFD uses them to send signals.”

“So it could be a VFD agent up there?” Isadora asked.

“Or it could be Sunny.” Violet added.

“We’ve got to get up there.” Klaus said.

“It’s a long way to the top, we’ve got to go back down the Vertical Flame Diversion and take the route that the snow scouts are taking.” Quigley said, pulling out his map.

“There’s a more direct way to the top.” Violet said.

“No there’s not, look at the map.” Quigley said, leaning over towards Violet.

“Look at the waterfall.” Violet pointed towards the tall, frozen waterfall, looming over them.

She reached into her pocket, pulling out her ribbon and tying up her hair.

“That means she’s thinking.” Duncan whispered to Quigley.

“What do you want us to do, Vi?” Isadora asked.

“Klaus, can you and Duncan search the library? There might be some books left?” Violet asked.

Klaus nodded, while Duncan looked towards Quigley, as if he didn’t want to be separated. 

“Isadora and Quigley, can you please keep an eye on the top of the mountain?” Violet asked. “I’m going to look for any salvageable materials.”

“I’ll come with you.” Quigley said, quickly.

Isadora looked towards her brother. “Are you sure?”

Quigley nodded. “Yeah, I’d like to see Violet Baudelaire at work.”

Violet blushed then turned back towards the building, Quigley close behind her.

“He was flirting, right?” Duncan asked.

“Oh, for sure.” Isadora said, smirking. “Okay, go find books.” She waved them off, pulling out the spyglass and turning it towards the mountain.

Sunny had been given a cigarette from Olaf. She was supposed to be cooking him a hot meal but as she took the strange green stick she noticed how the smoke drifted up into the air and thought that she could use it to signal to her siblings. She knew they weren’t dead, they couldn’t be.

“What are you going to do, baby?” The Hook Handed Man asked.

“Lox.” Sunny replied.

“You’re going to use that cigarette to smoke that salmon? That’s not a bad idea.” He said.

Sunny set up the fish, over the cigarette. To anyone, it would look as if she were smoking the salmon, but really she was watching the green smoke, hoping, hoping that someone would see it and come and rescue her.

There was a crunching of footsteps in the snow as the man, the woman, and Esme returned from their walk.

“And then I said, I know, we’ll take the elevator! And I pushed them.” Esme was saying.

“How elegant.” The man said.

“If ineffective.” The woman continued. “Olaf could learn from you, my dear.”

“He’s so flashy, so theatrical.” The man said, as they rounded the corner.

Olaf was prancing around on a stage as the henchpeople attempted to play a tune on various instruments. 

“Let me tell you a story.” He said. “Of a series of arsons, murders and various other crimes. All of these terrible deeds were performed by me. Count Olaf, the most handsome, most deserving of praise man alive!”

“Stop, stop!” The woman said.

“When we recruited you it was to spread fire and destruction over the land, not to prance around on stage with a bunch of talentless fools.” The man said.

“Who call themselves actors.” The woman added.

“It was all going swimmingly until you botched the cue.” Olaf accused, pointing at the White-Faced Women, who shrugged.

“Speaking of swimming,” The Hook Handed Man said, “the smoked salmon smells great!”

They all looked towards Sunny, who was attending to the fish.

“Fools!” The man cried, rushing over and stomping on the green tube.

“What were you thinking, giving a Verdant Flammable Device to Sunny Baudelaire?” The woman accused.

“I’m sorry?” Olaf asked.

“It’s a signaling device. That baby just broadcast our location to every VFD agent for a hundred miles!” The woman said.

“I thought you were a prisoner, but I’m beginning to think your a spy!” The man accused.

“Goo goo?” Sunny said.

“She doesn’t sound like a spy.” One of the White-Faced Women said.

“She sounds like a helpless baby.” The other said.

“Yeah, listen to her baby talk.” The Henchperson Of Indeterminate Gender said.

“Oh, please. She’s just acting like a helpless baby. I know, I’m an actor.” Olaf said. “Babies are always plotting against people, and this one is the worst. I would throw the little traitor off this mountain right now if I didn't need her alive to get the Baudelaire fortune.”

“The Baudelaire fortune?” The man asked.

“The Baudelaire fortune is small potatoes.” The woman said.

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s money.” Olaf said.

“We taught you to think big, Olaf.” The man said.

“Yeah, big piles of money.”

“Why settle for one fortune?” The woman asked.

“When you can have them all?” The man said.

“That sounds promising.” Olaf said.

“Come with us, you too, Ms Squalor.” The woman said.

“It’s time you learnt the real reason we’re on this mountain.” The man said.

“The smoke went out!” Isadora yelled and Klaus and Duncan rushed out.

“Maybe it burnt out?” Duncan asked.

“Or maybe the person signaling got caught.” Klaus suggested.

The three children heard a horrible clanging.

“It sounds like something terrible is happening up there.” Isadora said.

“I hope Violet can invent a way up the waterfall.” Duncan said,

“Look what we found.” Violet said, appearing in the door frame, her arms full, Quigley standing behind her.

Isadora, Duncan and Klaus followed them inside to an old table.

“We salvaged these from the rubble.” Quigley said.

“See the names?” Violet asked.

“Doctor Toronado.” Klaus read.

“Father took us to her engineering lectures.”

“C.M. Comstock.” Isadora said.

“Mother gave me her book on female Finnish pirates.” Klaus said.

“I know.” Violet said. “That’s where I learnt the Devil’s Tongue knot.”

“L. Snicket.” Duncan read. “We read about him in ‘The Incomplete History of Secret Organisations.’”

“And I read his book on maps!” Quigley said.

“It’s like our parents were training us for VFD and we didn’t know it.” Isadora said, slowly.

“As if they knew that one day they wouldn’t be here.” Duncan added.

“Let’s use what they gave us.” Violet said.

She reached forwards, grabbing the candelabra and beginning to hammer the damaged tines of a fork.

“Look what we found.” Duncan said, pulling out a slightly burnt book.

“Odes?” Quigley asked.

Klaus brushed some of the ash off.

“Codes.” Isadora said.

Violet took apart a charred ukulele, pulling off the strings and attaching them to the forks.

“Someone will need to stay here, see if there’s something in them.”

“I can stay.” Klaus said. “I’m not very good at climbing.”

Duncan was flipping open the code book.

“Hey, some of it is in couplets.” Duncan said.

“I’ll stay, then.” Isadora said. 

“I don’t really like heights, though.” Duncan said. “I’ll stay.”

“Okay, then I can do it.” Quigley said.

“No, Quigley.” Violet said. “I’ll go. She’s my sister.”

“She’s my sister too!” Klaus said.

“Klaus, you might fall, if you try.” Violet said. “Stay here and crack the code.” She ruffled her younger brother's hair.

“I’ll come with you.” Quigley said.

“Are you sure?” Violet asked, as Duncan, Klaus and Isadora shared a look.

Quigley nodded and handed over his shoe.

“Thank you for volunteering.” Violet said, tying on the fork.

Violet grabbed the shoe and stabbed it into a piece of charred wood.

“It works!” She exclaimed and Quigley smiled at her.

The two children tied up their shoes and made their way onto the front porch.

“Be careful, alright, Vi?” Klaus said.

“I’m always careful.”  Violet smirked.

“Please tell me that was a joke.” Klaus said.

“Don’t worry about me, Klaus.” Violet said, wrapping her arms around her younger brother. “You crack the code and spend some quality time with your boyfriend.”

“Duncan’s not my boyfriend.” Klaus said, defensively.

“You keep telling yourself that.” Violet teased as she walked up to the triplets.

Isadora and Duncan rushed up to Quigley.

“You gotta be careful, okay?” Isadora said.

“We’re not losing you again.” Duncan said.

“I’ll be fine.” Quigley said reassuringly.

The three triplets embraced, holding each other as if they’d never see each other again.

“If you don’t come back, Quigley.” Isadora said. “I swear I’ll find a way to raise the dead so I can kill you all over again.”

“And I’ll help her.” Duncan added. “I’m sure that with my journalism skills, Klaus’ book knowledge, Violet’s inventing mind and Isadora’s determination it’s entirely possible.”

“That’s a very informative threat.” Quigley said.

“That is exactly why he and my brother would be perfect together.” Violet said, as Duncan and Klaus both blushed, furiously. 

Quigley smirked, before saying, “Are we climbing this waterfall or not?”

“Of course we are. I’m getting my sister back.” Violet said, her cheerful demeanor gone, replaced with pure determination.

Violet handed Quigley a candelabra with a handle attached.

“We’ll use these to pull ourselves up and test for thin ice so we don't fall.” She said.

“Not falling is an excellent plan.” Quigley responded.

“Are you ready?” Violet asked.

“If we wait until we’re ready…” Quigley began.

“We’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” Violet finished.

The two shared a significant look before walking up to the waterfall.

Violet took a deep breath and pushed her shoes into the side of the waterfall and Quigley did the same.

The henchpeople were waiting outside the tent and Sunny was stuck in her birdcage.

Sunny could hear the henchpeople talking amongst themselves but she couldn’t quite hear what they were saying. All she knew was that there was no way that the two mysterious people were up to anything remotely good.

“What do you think they’re up to, baby?” The Hook Handed Man asked.

“Trouble.” Sunny said, pushing her face against the bars of the birdcage.

The two teenagers had been climbing for at least an hour when they had their first scare.

Violet had reached up with her candelabra and it hadn’t stuck properly. She let out a shout as her arm slipped and she was barely able to hang on with her other hand. She swung her arm up and managed to get it stuck in the ice again.

“We should rest.” Quigley said, just ahead of Violet. “I see a ledge.”

The two children climbed in silence for a few minutes, until they reached the ledge. Quigley clambered up first, and then extended a hand for Violet.

“This ledge is solid, we should sit here for a moment to get our strength back.” Quigley said.

“Good idea.” Violet began. “You’re an excellent climber.”

“And you’re an excellent inventor.”

The two children smiled at each other.

“Let’s not celebrate yet, there’s a long way to go.” Violet said, looking up.

“Celebrate when you’re half done, and the finish won’t be quite as fun.” Quigley recited. “Isadora wrote that.”

The two children sat in silence for a minute.

“Did they, did they really think I was dead?” Quigley asked, quietly.

“Yeah.” Violet responded, slowly. “But they really missed you, they mentioned you all the time. They said you wanted to be a cartographer.”

“Yeah.” Quigley said. “I wanted to find them, but Jacques said it was too dangerous. He said to wait there until he came back, but then he didn’t and, oh God, Duncan will hate me but, I read about it in the Daily Punctillo and I went to a bunch of different places before here.”

“We did move around a lot.” Violet agreed.

“I’m so glad I’ve found you, now though.” Quigley said. “You’ll let me tag along, though right?”

Violet pretended to think about it. “Hmm, well I suppose we’d have room for you in our crew. You’ll have to do some pretty crazy stuff, though.”

“Oh yeah?” Quigley asked.

“Mm, I spent last week in a fake beard.” Violet replied.

“That’s the craziest thing that happened?” Quigley asked.

“Oh, hell no, Klaus was hypnotized a while back, we almost fell off a cliff yesterday, Isadora and Duncan spent a while in a fish statue. You know, normal orphan stuff.”

“Yeah.” Quigley laughed. “Normal orphan stuff.”

They fell quiet again, looking over the Mortmain Mountains.

“If you have to hide a headquarters, it's a beautiful place to do it.” Violet said. “It’s a lovely view.”

Quigley looked to Violet, “Very lovely indeed.”

“They’re taking too long!” Duncan said, pacing the front porch.

“Duncan, chill, they’re climbing a giant-ass waterfall, of course it’s going to take ages.” Isadora said.

“Duncan, can you help me decode this?” Klaus asked.

“Yeah, okay, okay.” Duncan sat down and peered over the book.

“Here.” Klaus said. “Verbal Fridge Dialogue.”

Duncan pulled the book towards him. “There’s a couplet, Isa.”

“Oo, give it to me.” She said.

“The darkest of the jams of three contains the sen…”

“Oh you have to be kidding me!” Isadora exclaimed, her spyglass trained one the waterfall.

“What? What happened!” Duncan said jumping up.

Klaus narrowed his eyes, squinting at the small spots on the waterfall.

“Oi!” Isadora screamed. “That doesn’t look like climbing.”

“What’s going on?” Klaus asked.

“They’re just sitting there, Duncan, Klaus, they’re making out.” Isadora said. 

“I thought this was a rescue mission!” She shouted at the top of her lungs.

Duncan and Klaus lost it, falling to the ground in a fit of giggles.

“Guys, it’s not funny!” Isadora said, but she also started to laugh. “Oh my God, it actually is really funny!” Isadora fell down next to Duncan and Klaus, almost in tears.

The three of them lay, spread out on the deck, laughing until they cried, laughing until they couldn’t even remember what they were laughing about. Eventually, they sat up.

“Oh god, okay.” Isadora said, wiping happy tears from her eyes. “Tell me that couplet again.”

“It is Sunny.” Violet said, sticking her head over the top of the waterfall. “She’s safe.”

“How can we rescue her with that hook-handed man standing guard?” Quigley asked.

Sunny, sitting in the birdcage, saw her sisters head, poking up over the side of the cliff.

“Thirsty.” She said.

“Well, we’ve got plenty of ice water.”

“Prefer something fizzy.” Sunny said.

“I saw the boss chuck a half-empty bottle of sarsaparilla down the road, but I'm not supposed to leave you alone.” He said.

“Ga ga?” Sunny said, shrugging her shoulders.

“Oh, don't give me that look. All right. Wait.” He said, before dashing away.

Violet and Quigley pulled themselves up over the cliff edge and rushed over to Sunny.

“Sunny!” Violet said, pushing her fingers through the bars of the cage.

“Where Kla and Isdora?” Sunny asked.

“They’re at the headquarters, with Duncan.” Violet said.

“Duncan?” Sunny asked, pointing to Quigley. 

“This is Quigley, his brother. He survived the fire. There’s so much to tell you.”

“Oh, babylaire!” Olaf’s voice called and Violet and Quigley ducked behind a rock.

“I’ve thought of some more demeaning tasks for you to do!” He called.

“You’re going to cook a very fancy, very ‘in” dinner.” Esme demanded, “Tonight we’re celebrating False Spring!”

“That’s not all we’re celebrating.” Olaf smirked. “Where’s Hooky? I told him to wait right here.”

“You seem to have trouble controlling your underlings.” The man said, stepping out of the tent.”

“Oh, yes, I like to let them roam.” Olaf smirked. “You know, free-range henchpeople.”

“We have a job for you.” The man said, again. “There’s a camp in the woods, there you will find a tarp. Bring it here and lay it over the road.”

“That sounds like work, why do we have to do it?” Esme asked.

“You’ll do it because we say so.” The woman snarled.

“That’s a good point!” Olaf said. “We’ve already yelled at the baby’s there’s not much else to do here anyway.”

“You're too concerned about that baby, Olaf.” The woman said.

“After tonight, countless orphans and their fortunes will be ours.” The man said.

“Are you sure they’re all orphans?” Esme asked.

“Not yet, they’re not.” The woman said, before turning around and going back inside.

Esme and Olaf headed down the slope.

“Who were those horrible people?”

“Arsonists.” Sunny answered.

“They're the ones who burned down V.F.D. headquarters?” Quigley asked.

“Let's go. I can strap you to my shoulders and carry you down.” Violet said, pulling out her lock picks.

“Not going.” Sunny said.

“You are. We came here to rescue you.” Violet said.

“Mata Hari.” Sunny said,

“Who's Mata Hari?” Quigley asked.

“She's the Dutch courtesan who spied on Germany during World War One. Sunny's saying she wants to stay here and spy.” Violet said, a sad smile on her face.

“Those villains were talking about making more orphans. If Sunny could find out what they're planning, we could prevent this from happening to anyone else.” Quigley said.

“I can't leave her behind. She's my baby sister!” Violet said.

“Hey, baby, you'd better not be getting in trouble!” The Hook Handed Man called.

“He’s coming back. We have to go.” Quigley said.

“I can't leave you. How are you gonna get out?” Violet asked.

“Inventor.” Sunny said, pulling a string off her dress and reaching up to tie a ponytail in her hair.

Violet smiled, her eyes filling with tears. “Here, take my lock pick. You can use that toboggan to escape.”

“Violet!” Quigley urged.

“How did you get to be so brave?” Violet asked.

Sunny pointed to her older sister, a smile on her face.

“Come on.” Quigley said and Violet jumped up and the two began to make their way down the waterfall again.

“I couldn’t find the sarsaparilla, but look what I got.” He said. “Parsley Soda!”

Chapter Text

Chapter Fifteen

Verbal Fridge Dialogue

Quigley and Violet eventually made it to the base of the waterfall again. As soon as they reached the bottom, their siblings rushed up to them.

“Did you find Sunny?” Klaus asked.

“She was the one sending the signal, she’s safe.” Violet said.

“She knows who burnt down the headquarters, a man with a beard but no hair.” Quigley said.

“And a woman with hair but no beard.” Violet finished.

“Even Count Olaf was afraid of them.” Quigley added.

“And you left her there?” Isadora asked.

“They’re planning something bad.” Violet said.

“They were talking about making more orphans.” Quigley said.

“Sunny wanted to spy to find out more.” Violet said.

“She’s just a baby. She can’t be a spy!” Duncan said.

“She’s not a baby anymore.” Violet cried.

“She’s gonna meet us down here as soon as she finds out anything.” Quigley said.

“It was her idea, she insisted.” Violet exclaimed.

“She insisted?” Klaus asked.

“She volunteered.” Violet said.

“Then I guess we have to trust her.” Klaus said.

“Did you two have a fun climb?” Isadora asked.

“Yeah, I mean, it was alright, I guess.” Quigley stammered, whilst Violet’s cheeks turned a deep shade of red.

Isadora sniggered to herself, nudging Duncan and Klaus.

“Did you guys find anything?” Violet asked, changing the subject.

“We found VFD.” Klaus said.

“If you were in a building that was about to be burnt down, where would you hide something important?” Duncan asked, leading the group through the charred building.

“A safe.”

“What if you didn’t have time to open the safe?” Isadora asked.

“The refrigerator.” Violet said.

“Exactly, so we checked the fridge.” Klaus said.

“What did you find?” Violet asked.

“Verbal Fridge Dialogue.” Duncan said.

“Verbal Fridge Dialogue?” Quigley asked.

“Verbal Fridge Dialogue.” Isadora confirmed. “It’s a code.”

“You leave a message using the items in the fridge.” Duncan said.

“Listen to this.” Klaus began, “‘The darkest of the jams of three contains the sender, look and see.”

“The poem means that the name of the person sending the message is in the jar of jam.” Isadora explained.

“The jar of jam is boysenberry.” Duncan said, reaching for the jar.

“JS.” Said Violet.

“Jacques Snicket?” Quigley asked.

“But Jacques Snicket’s dead.” Violet said, confused.

“That’s not the only thing that’s strange about this message.” Isadora said.

“Gatherings use a cured fruit-based calendar, and location can be divined via any spice-based condiment.” Klaus read.

“JS is calling a meeting for the whole of VFD.” Isadora added.

“The number of olives is the day of the week it is, one for Sunday, two for Monday.” Duncan explained.

“There are five olives.” Quigley said,

“Thursday.” Violet finished.

“If the message was left during the fire, then…” Violet began.

“The gathering’s less than a week away.” Quigley finished.

“But where is it?” Violet asked.

“The only spice-based condiment is this jar of mustard.” Klaus began. “Read the ingredients.”

Isadora took the jar. “Vinegar, mustard seed, salt, turmeric, the Last Safe Place.”

“The Last Safe Place.” Duncan repeated.

“If we find the Last Safe Place…” Violet said.

“We can find VFD.” Quigley finished.

“But we don't know where that is.” Duncan said.

“If the answer was in this library, then it’s gone up in smoke.” Klaus said.

“Maybe Sunny can learn something.” Isadora said.

“We’ll keep an eye out for her.” Klaus said, leading everyone outside.

“Here we go.” The Hook Handed Man said. “False Spring Rolls.”

“Darling, come and eat.” Esme called.

“Do you see that?” Olaf said. “There it is again. A little flicker of light, like a spyglass.”

“A volunteer?” The man asked.

“Go fetch them, Olaf.” The woman commanded.

“Me? I don’t wanna, make the baby.” 

“Yessir.” Sunny said, standing up, a smile on her face.

“This is no job for a baby.” The man said. “If there’s a volunteer down there…”

“They may have the sugar bowl!” The woman continued.

“I’ll go! I’ll go! I’ll go!” Esme shrieked. “I’m always happy to help. I’ll just slip into something more horrifying and pop right down.” Esme stood up and hurried into her tent.

“That baby is watching us.” The man said.

“Cover the cage!” The woman called.

The Hook Handed Man stood up, taking a blanket and putting it over the cage.

“Sorry, baby.” He whispered as Sunny grimaced.

“There's someone coming down that slope!” Isadora called.

“It must be Sunny!” Duncan exclaimed.

“I don’t think so. Whoever it is, they’re too tall to be Sunny.” Klaus said, pulling out his spyglass.

“That’s strange. It looks like they’re on fire.” Quigley said, taking the spyglass from Isadora.

Violet grabbed the spyglass from Quigley.

“It’s not fire. It’s fashion.” She said.

“Esme.” Klaus and Violet said together.

The five children raced into the building and began hurriedly searching for hiding places.

They all heard screaming as Esme skied into the burned out building.

“I thought you volunteers were supposed to be smart.” Esme said. “But if someone’s still lurking around, that’s very stupid.”

“Your headquarters are destroyed, your worst enemies are on top of that mountain, and I’m right here and I’m dressed to kill.”

She turned around and ducked her head under the table where Quigley, with his fencing mask back on, was hiding.

“Boo!” She said. “You’re short for a volunteer but I’ve always said that reading stunts your growth.” 

Quigley got up and ran.

“Don’t run.” She whined. “I just want to torture you until you give me the location of the sugar bowl.” She walked into the kitchen, where the two Baudelaire children were hiding.

“You once threw a masked ball here and didn’t invite me. Not that I care, a face this gorgeous should never be hidden behind a mask.” She said.

“Are you in the kitchen?” She asked, as the two children ran out.

“Perhaps you’re hiding in whatever room this is. Oh, right it’s the hot tub room.” Esme said.

“You’d better come out now or when I get my hands on you, skinning you alive will be the second worst thing I’ve done in a hot tub.” Esme smirked, stepping onto the charred wood.

There was a creaking sound and Esme looked down as the wood broke and she fell, screaming, into the hot tub.

The children all rushed into the room.

“I think we just trapped Esme Squalor at the bottom of a surprisingly deep hot tub.” Isadora said.

“Is she alive?” Klaus asked, peeing over the edge.

“Get me out of here at once!” Esme cried. “Being trapped in a hot tub is even less ‘in’ than getting in one on purpose.”

“She’s alive.” Duncan answered.

“I can make pulley to get her out.” Violet said, reaching for her ribbon.

“Or…” Quigley began.

“Or?” Duncan asked.

“Count Olaf has someone you love, now we have someone he loves.” Quigley said.

“We could arrange a trade.” Violet said.

“An exchange of hostages.” Isadora agreed.

“When my boyfriend finds out that you trapped me down here, he’s going to be so angry!” Esme yelled.

“Olaf captures people to get what he wants.” Quigley said.

“You really want to do the same thing as him?” Klaus asked.

“Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire!” Quigley hissed.

“If everyone fought fire with fire, the world would go up in smoke.” Duncan said. “Klaus is right, there has to be another way.

“Klaus?” Esme asked. “Oh this is rich, you’re Baudelaires! Olaf will be so disappointed you didn’t die when he dropped you off that mountain. Oh, of course, he’ll be thrilled. He’ll get to kill you all over again.”

The children stepped forwards, looking over the edge at Esme.

“You.” She said, pointing at Quigley. “Wasn’t there only two of you, before?”

“I’m Quigley Quagmire, I survived the fire.” Quigley said.

“Sheesh.” Esme said. “Some days you just can’t catch a break.”

“We’ll be you out, Esme, but only if you help get our sister back.” Violet said.

“And what if I refuse?” Esme asked. “That's the problem with your side of the schism. Being righteous and well-read

never gets you anywhere. When I was your age, I was supposed to waste my entire summer reading Anna Karenina. I knew that dumb book would never help me, so I threw it in the fireplace. And look at me now! I'm beautiful and fashionable!” She cried.

“You’re trapped in the bottom of a hot tub.” Isadora said.

“And I’m still better off than you!” She exclaimed. “You'll never save your sister, just like you'll never save those rich kids hiking up Mount Fraught to celebrate False Spring.”

“Countless orphans.” Violet said.

“Countless fortunes.” Quigley added.

“They’re gonna kidnap the Snow Scouts and murder their parents!” Duncan exclaimed.

Esme shrugged at them, a big smile on her face.

“Mush! Mush!” Esme yelled.

“Shut up or we’ll drop you from here.” Violet snarled.

The five children were halfway up the mountain, pulling Esme up behind them. Klaus was at the head of the group, tapping the ice to make sure it was frozen enough. Violet and Quigley were just behind him, ropes tied around their waists and attached to the chair. Duncan and Isadora were on either side, one hand on the chair the other on the waterfall.

“You wouldn’t.” Esme said. “You’re too much like your father.”

Violet clenched her teeth and tightened her fists around the candelabras.

“He never had had the guts to do anything.” Esme said, trying to get a rise out of Violet. “He was always just tagging along on all of our adventures.”

Violet shut her mouth, determined not to let Esme get under her skin. 

“I guess that’s why Beatrice didn’t ever love him.” Esme said.

Violet whipped her head around. “You bitch.” She shouted into the wind. “Mother did love him. You’re lying, you’re lying. She’s lying!” Violet screamed. She stopped climbing and let herself hang from the frozen stream, sons wracking through her body.

“Violet!” Quigley exclaimed, edging closer to her.

Esme smirked and turned to Klaus.

“Did you hear what I said, Klaus.” She asked. “How well did you know your parents?”

Klaus ignored her, focusing on the ice.

“You didn’t know they were a secret organization did you?” Esme sneered. “Did your mother ever tell you about Lemony? About that night at the opera? The night she stole from me? The night she committed murder?” Esme asked.

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.” Klaus yelled.

“She killed someone, your mum did, Klaus. How does it feel to know something like that?”

Klaus began to whimper.

“Shut up!” Duncan cried, “Esme, stop it!”

“Please, please, please.” Isadora shouted. “Just stop!”

“Oh, the poor little Quagmire triplets.” Esme said. “You want me to stop? But I know so much about your parents as well, for example, did you know that…” Esme was interrupted by Quigley, shouting over the top of her voice.

“We are not going to listen to you anymore, Esme.” He screamed. “And if you don’t shut up I’ll personally throw you off this fucking mountain myself. I know what you’ve done to my siblings and if they lay a hand on them one more time, I swear to God, I’ll do a lot worse than steal the fucking sugar bowl!” He turned back to face the waterfall, tears in his eyes and continued to climb again. 

The other children didn’t say anything, but continued to hoist the chair up.

Even Esme, shocked by Quigley’s outburst, was silent.

“We stand on the brink of our greatest triumph.” The man said, grandly.

“A troupe of Snow Scouts from the wealthiest families in the city are on their way here, right now.” The woman continued.

“We’ll capture everyone of those uniformed brats and they will each be offered the exciting opportunity to join us.”

“What if they refuse?” The Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender asked.

“Then we’ll burn down their homes, with their parents inside.”

“So, to be clear, we’re going to kidnap a bunch of rich kids, eliminate their parents in a series of arsons, then, while waiting for them to come of age so we can seize their fortunes, indoctrinate them via a combination of emotionally distant parenting and Stockholm Syndrome?” Olaf asked.

“Oh, Olaf, we weren't emotionally distant, you just didn’t deserve praise.” The woman said.

“We took you in, in your darkest hour because we saw a spark in you bright enough to light a thousand fires.” The man explained.

“But look at you now.” The woman said, sadly. “Your obsession with the Baudelaires is a disgrace. It has led to your defeat and humiliation.” 

“But that’s all in the past.” Olaf said. “The Baudelaires are dead to me.”

“Not all of them.” The man said, pointing at the birdcage.

“But if I kill the baby, then I’ll never get the Baudelaire fortune.” Olaf said, desperately.

“Exactly. You think you deserve our respect?” The man asked.

“Our love?” The woman cooed.

“Then do something for once in your pathetic life and throw Sunny Baudelaire off that cliff.” The man snarled.

Olaf sighed, his face contorting as he tried to think of a way out of the situation.

“As we say in the theater,” He said, “Toss her.”

“Olaf, I’ve got some bad news for you.” Esme said, as the children pulled her over the cliffs edge.

“My fortune!” Olaf cried.

“Baudelaires.” The woman snarled.

“And look who else I found!” Esme said. “That’s Quigleforth Quagmire.”

“Quigley.” He corrected, before moving to stand by his siblings.

“I’ve never been so happy to see you brats alive!” Olaf said, excitedly. “How did you capture them, my pet?”

“She didn’t capture us!” Klaus said.

“We’re here to trade her as a hostage.” Violet said, angrily. “Give us Sunny and you can have your bitch of a girlfriend.”

Olaf began to laugh and he pointed to Esme. The children whipped around to see Esme pulling out a big kitchen knife and cutting her binds, before standing up and going to hug Olaf.

“I was going to use this big knife to force them to carry me up, but these Volunteers just volunteered!” She cried, laughing.

“Where did all the henchpeople get to?” She asked.

“Oh, up they all left. They were too weak for a life of crime.” Olaf said.

“Well, we may not have a hostage, but we’re not leaving without Sunny.” Isadora said.

“Sunny Baudelaire is dead.” The woman said, her voice emotionless.

“No!” Klaus cried, grabbing on to Duncan’s arm and beginning to cry.

“Yes, my favourite Henchperson just tossed her off that cliff, not moments ago.” Olaf said.

“I’m your favourite?” The Hook Handed Man said.

“How could you do that to her?” Violet screamed, pain and anger in her voice, rushing forwards to charge the Hook Handed Man, only to be held back by Quigley. 

“Let me go.” She shouted, wrenching her arm from his grip and pushing the Hook Handed Man to the ground.

“You piece of shit. You fucking piece of shit.” She yelled, lifting her leg to kick him.

Quigley raced forwards grabbing her arm and trying to pull her back.

“Violet, Violet, stop. Olaf will hurt you more, stop.” He shouted, tugging in her arm.

Olaf and Esme both rushed forwards, grabbing onto Violet and Quigley’s collars and pulling them back. Violet and Quigley began to kick and scream but Olaf and Esme held tight.

“No! No!” Let them go!” Isadora and Duncan screamed. But Klaus fel still as he noticed Sunny, waving to him from behind the car. He momentarily felt relieved, before the gravity of his situation kicked in and he too began screaming at Olaf and Esme.

Esme pulled out her big knife and held it to Violet’s thoat. “One more word and I cut.” She snarled at the three children standing by the side of the cliff, who instantly stopped screaming. Violet and Quigley both froze and stopped struggling.

“You disappoint us, Olaf.” The woman said.

“We’ll do better with the next recruits,” The man promised. “Here they come now.”

“Snow scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic…” The Snow Scouts, led by Carmelita came around the corner.

“What are all you cakesniffers doing here?” Carmelita asked.

“Carmelita. Turn around.” Klaus yelled, before falling silent as Esme pressed the knife closer to Violet.

“Hello, little girl.” The woman said. “We’re here to help you celebrate False Spring.”

“No, no. They’re here to kidnap you!” Duncan cried, before clapping his hands over his mouth as Olaf pulled out another knife and held it across Quigley’s neck.

“I’m too adorable to kidnap.” Carmelita said. “Give me that Springpole.”

“Why don’t you step closer?” The man asked.

“No, Carmelita!” Isadora yelled, before gasping as Olaf and Esme both lowered the knives and made small slices in the children’s fingers, blood rushed out and both the children gave out a cry.

“I crown myself False Spring Queen!” Carmelita, oblivious to her surroundings, cried.

“Now the rest of you children, take a few steps closer and join us in a special celebration.

Klaus, Isadora and Duncan didn’t dare yell a warning, worried that their siblings would be hurt again.

The snow scouts stepped out onto the tarp and the man and woman blew on whistles. Eagles came from every angle, flying down and picking up ropes, flying off with the snow scouts, who began to scream.

“The noble side of the schism may have the carrier crows and the trained reptiles…” The woman said.

“But the eagles work for us.” The man said.

“We were prepared to take you back, Olaf.” The woman added.

“Instead, we’re taking your car.” The man said.

“We’ll be in touch.” The woman said.

“That'll be a first.” Olaf said, rolling his eyes, Quigley still in his grip.

“We were talking to Ms. Squalor.” The man said. “We’re impressed with your work. We’ll contact you with your next mission.”

The man and the woman climbed into the car and sped away, down the mountain.

“What should we do with the rest of them, my pet?” Olaf asked. “We’ll keep these two and dispose of the others.”

“Oo!” Carmelita said. “You should kill them, in front of their siblings.”

All five children began to whimper.

“What an adorable little girl! Would you like to join us?” Esme asked.

Carmelita smiled, before turning to the children. “Hey Cakesniffers, now I have two sets of parents more than you!”

“Any last words?” Olaf asked, handing Quigley over to Esme, as he approached the children.

“Just one, rosebud!” Sunny cried running forwards, pushing a toboggan. The three children at the edge of the waterfall climbed on, before turning back to face Violet and Quigley.

“The Last Safe Place!” Klaus called.

“We’ll meet you at the last safe place!” Isadora yelled, tears in her eyes.

“Just go!” Violet and Quigley yelled.

Duncan pushed the toboggan and the children flew off the edge of the mountain.

Olaf and The Hook Handed Man raced to the edge of the cliff.

“You, know I swear she was in that cage, boss.” The Hook Handed Man said.

“I will deal with you later.” Olaf snarled, turning back towards Esme who was struggling to hold onto both Violet and Quigley, who were struggling to free themselves.

“Olaf, dear, take one of these brats, for me, will you?” Esme said yanking on the children’s collars.

Olaf walked over, grabbing Violet by the arm and yanking on her collar.

“You children aren’t going anywhere.” Olaf smirked, putting a hand on Violet’s cheek, ignoring the way Violet flinched. “And I’ve still got that wedding dress.”

“You’re sick!” Quigley yelled, kicking out at Esme. “You’re a disgusting piece of shit, don’t touch her, don’t you dare touch her.” He yelled.

”Oh, this ones a fighter Olaf.” Esme said, grabbing Quigley’s arm and squeezing it, tight.

”We should have taken the other one.” Olaf said. “He’s much quieter.”

”They’re gone, and you’re never going to get them. You hear me? You’ll never touch them!” Quigley screamed.

Violet jerked her head away from Olaf, struggling to get him to release her arm.

”They’re gone and they’re not coming back.” Violet yelled. “You’ll never touch our siblings, ever again.” 

The two children struggled against their captor’s grip as Carmelita approached with some rope.

”Here you are, Countie.” Carmelita said, her voice sickeningly sweet.

Olaf took the rope, twisting it around Violet’s wrists before dragging her over to Quigley and wrapping the rope around his wrists as well.

”Well, come on then.” He said, pulling on the rope. “We have a toboggan to find.”

Both children started screaming again, pulling at their ropes, until Esme walked up behind them, her knife out. Esme grabbed Violet’s hair, pulling her backwards and sliced through it in one swift motion.

”One more noise out of either of you and I’ll cut more than just your hair.” She said, threateningly. 

“Now!” She said brightly. “Who wants a story? I know a good one about your mother, Quigley...”

“We shouldn’t have left them, we shouldn’t have left them, we shouldn't have left them.” Duncan chanted, as the toboggan raced down the frozen river.

“We’ll get them back, we will.” Isadora said, trying to convince herself as much as anyone else.

Klaus didn’t say anything, just hugged Sunny to his chest as she cried and he cried softly into his sleeve.

“How, Isadora, how?” Duncan yelled, turning on his sister. “We’ve got no idea where they are going, and we have no idea what he’ll do to them. We only just got him back, Isa, we only just got him back.” He started to cry.

All Isadora could do was join in and all four children cried and cried as their toboggan went down the frozen Stricken Stream.

The ice began to crack beneath them as the toboggan raced out onto a large patch of ice. The toboggan came to a stop, before being lifted up.

”A submarine.” Klaus said.

A periscope appeared in front of them, a very familiar pattern on it.

”VFD.” Duncan said.

”Welcome to the Queequg!” A cheery voice said.

”Great.” Isadora deadpanned. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Sixteen

Welcome Aboard the Queequeg

“Help!” Sunny cried.

“Let us in!” Duncan yelled.

“What’s the password?” The young, feminine voice asked.

“We don’t know the password!” Klaus shouted. “Just let us in!”

“Here lemme through.” Isadora said. “I’ll just threaten them.”

“Maybe don’t.” Duncan began, “Let’s keep it…”

Duncan was interrupted by his sister barging her way up to the camera and proceeding to yell at it.

“We just fell off a fucking mountain, our siblings have been kidnapped and we are freezing out here so you either let us in or we’re moving on.” She shouted.

There was a clicking sound and the hatch opened.

“See, what did I tell you, brother dear?” Isadora flashed him a reassuring smile.

“This way.” The voice called. “Aye, come in.”

The children walked through the extensive corridors of the submarine before coming to a big, open, room.

“Look at all this mechanical shit.” Isadora said. All the children understood her silent statement, Violet would love it.

“And these tidal charts.” Klaus said. “I think this submarine is searching for something.”

“Aye, we are.” A young girl appeared on the balcony. “Welcome to the Queequeg, Quagmires and Baudelaires. Shiver me timbers! That’s an expression pirates use when they’re surprised.” The girl said.

Isadora’s eyes widened and mouth fell open.

“Are you a pirate?” Duncan asked.

“No, but I am surprised to find Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire with Duncan and Isadora Quagmire in the middle of the ocean.”

“How do you know who we are?” Klaus asked.

“I’ve received volunteer factual dispatches all about you.” She said, walking down the staircase. “Oh, and the Daily Punctillo says that you’re dangerous murderers.”

“Well you can’t always believe what you read in the newspaper.” Duncan said.

“So you're not dangerous?” She asked, raising her eyebrows.

“I, uh, I mean we’ve had our… err, maybe we’re a little dangerous?” Isadora squeaked out.

Duncan looked strangely at his sister before he realised what was happening. He turned back to the girl, a small smile on his face.

“We haven’t gotten your name yet.” He said.

“Fiona Widdershins. I’m the captain.” Fiona said.

“You?” Klaus asked.

“You think a girl can’t man a submarine?” Fiona asked.

“No, no. Of course not, Violet definitely cou…” He trailed off as he realised what he was saying.

“Where are your other siblings?” Fiona asked. “I thought there was at least one more of you.”

“They… Count Olaf… he..” Duncan began.

“Count Olaf got them.” Klaus said, his voice small.

Fiona’s face hardened. “Oh god.” She said.

“We need you to take us to the Last Safe Place.” Klaus said.

“They’re going to meet us there.” Duncan explained. “They’re going to escape and meet us there.”

“Can you take us?” Isadora asked.

“Please?” Sunny added.

“I’m already on a mission.” Fiona answered.

“Can you at least take us to shore?” Duncan asked.

“I can’t change course. I’m sorry, but VFD is counting on me to complete this mission.” Fiona said, apologetically.

“Well, what if you weren’t on your own?” Isadora asked. “If we help you with this mission, then you take us to the last safe place?”

“Isadora, we don’t have time. The meetings on Thursday.” Duncan reasoned.

“That’s still a few days away.” Isadora said.

“You’d volunteer?” Asked Fiona.

“Isn’t that what this stupid organisation is for?” Isadora asked.

“We don’t even know what the mission is.” Klaus said.

“Only the most important mission in VFD history.” Fiona said. “I’m searching for the sugar bowl.”

“Fuck.” Klaus said.

“Orphans, you're going to stand here, silently while we steal a submarine.” Olaf demanded.

“And if you don’t I can get Carmelita to tap dance for you, you can meet my knife again or I can tell you some bedtime stories tonight.”

Both children nodded. After the long walk down the mountain, Olaf had hired a taxi which drove them back to Count Olaf’s old house. When they first saw it, Violet thought she was going to be sick. When Olaf threw the two teens into his ‘secret tower room’ Violet remembered the stressful night, all those months ago that she and Klaus had spent, trying desperately to think of a way to escape Olaf’s awful marriage plot. She even spotted her makeshift grappling hook in the corner, where it had been tossed after the Hook Handed Man had caught her attempting to rescue her sister. They had spent all night struggling against their ropes. When Quigley managed to reach a small knife, sitting on the desk and cut the ropes around his wrists and then reached over to cut Violet’s binds, they still found themselves with no way out. Both children were much more subdued, the stories that Esme had told them as they stumbled down the mountain, tied together, had made them feel lost and detached. Neither child felt as if they knew themselves, their sibling or their parents anymore. Olaf and Esme hadn’t been impressed when they had found the children, trying to smash the lock on the window, their ropes cut on the floor. They had made sure that the children wouldn’t try anything like that again. Violet was still walking with a limp and Quigley had a new bruise under his eye. Olaf had found a way to get to them, and it had worked. Violet’s mind wasn’t whirring away and Quigley hadn’t imagined a new world he could map.

“We’re taking a family vacation to the bottom of the sea.” Olaf said. “I’m here on vacation with my lovely wife, my adorable daughter, my other children and my distant cousin who is dead to me. We’d like to steal- I mean borrow a submarine.”

“I thought I was your daughter!” Carmelita exclaimed, glaring jealously at Violet and Quigley.

“And, yes, it is very normal that they are tied up. It is not what it looks like, they just love wearing rope and being tied together.

Violet and Quigley looked at the woman, trying to convey with their eyes that they were in trouble, hoping against hope that she would find something odd about this situation.

“Esme Squalor?” The lady behind the desk asked, boredom evident in her voice.

“Who’s asking?” Esme asked, lowering her sunglasses.

“Your submarine is ready.” The woman said.

“My submarine?” Esme asked.

“Some couple arranged it.” She said. “They prepaid.”

“Oh, that’s so thoughtful!” Esme exclaimed.

“Your subs’ the one with the tentacles.” The lady said.

“Oo!” Esme cried. “That’s very ‘in’!”

The two children shot one last desperate look at the submarine owner before Olaf pushed them forwards, over the ramp and into the submarine.

“If I was a nice person, I suppose I’d thank you for behaving.” Olaf snarled. “But I’m feeling extra generous today so I suppose I could give you a special reward.” He approached the two children, putting his hands on Violet’s cheeks. Violet instantly ducked away, and Olaf turned to Quigley.

“Did she tell you about our wedding?” He whispered. “Happiest day of my life.”

Violet shuddered and backed against the wall, pulling Quigley with her.

“No?” Olaf asked. “You don’t want a reward?”

Violet and Quigley both stayed silent.

“Answer me!” He snapped.

“No, sir, sorry.” Quigley stammered, as Violet began to shake.

“You don’t appreciate what I’m doing for you?” Olaf demanded.

“Sorry. We’re sorry.” Quigley murmured.

“You’re awfully quiet, Violet.” Olaf said. “Don’t you want to talk to your father?”

“You’re not my father.” Violet shouted, spitting in his face.

Olaf wiped the spit off his face, and stared at Violet and Quigley.

“You are going to regret that, you little bitch.” Olaf snarled, grabbing Violet by the arm and shaking her.

Violet cried out as his dirty fingernails dug into her skin.

Olaf pushed her, and she stumbled over Quigley before tripping and falling. Quigley, still tied to Violet fell onto the cold, hard metal flooring. The two children looked up at the man towering over them. Olaf lifted his leg and kicked Violet in the stomach causing her to gasp and clutch at her middle.

“Stop, please, stop!” Quigley cried, crouching over Violet. “We’re sorry, she’s sorry. Please just stop.”

“That’s no way to speak to me.” Olaf said, grabbing Quigley’s arm and slamming him into the floor.

Quigley cried out as his body hit the ground, sending a loud clanging noise throughout the submarine.

Olaf turned back to Violet who was sitting up, murder in her eyes.

“Leave us alone, you bastard!” She screamed, pushing Olaf’s chest.

Olaf fell over and before he had time to react, Violet had helped Quigley to his feet and was making for the exit.

They two children limped towards the door as fast as they could. They had almost made it when the door slammed shut and the submarine jolted, throwing the two off balance, as Esme drove the submarine out of the harbour.

“Fuck.” Violet said, desperately searching for an exit as Olaf stormed towards the two children.

Olaf laughed, manically, as he reached the children. “You thought you could get away from me?” He laughed. “I think I’ll have to punish you for that.”

“You’ve heard of it?” Fiona asked.

“Esme Squalor, she's one of the ones who took my brother, is obsessed with it.” Isadora said.

“She said my mum stole it from her.” Klaus said.

“Why is it so important?” Duncan asked.

“That’s on a need-to-know basis, and you don’t need to know.” Fiona answered.

“Well, I’m sorry, but if we don’t know then we’re not…” Duncan began, before being interrupted by Isadora.

“We’ll do it!” She exclaimed.

Duncan, Klaus and Sunny looked at her, incredulously.

“You will?” Fiona asked.

“Of course.” Isadora answered.

“Um, right, Isadora can we talk. Alone?” Duncan asked.

Isadora nodded and led the other children to the corner.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Isadora asked.

“Isadora, we’ve got to get to the Last Safe Place by Thursday.” Duncan said.

“We can’t afford to hang around here any longer.” Klaus added. “We need to find Violet and Quigley.”

“But if we stay here, we help Fiona and can save our siblings.” Isadora argued.

“We don’t even know what we’re doing here.” Duncan said.

“But how else are we going to get to the Last Safe Place?” Isadora asked. “Are we going to walk over the ocean? We don’t even know where it is.”

“But…” Klaus trailed off.

“Right, so we do the mission, find the sugar bowl and then go to the Last Safe Place, save our siblings and get Olaf and Esme locked up, forever. Okay?” Isadora said.

“How do we know we can trust Fiona? Isn't it a bit strange we just happened across a VFD submarine?” Duncan asked.

“And why won’t she tell us about the sugar bowl?” Klaus asked.

“We don’t have any other choice.” Isadora said. “We’ve got to do this. Then we’ll find them, okay? I’m sure they’re fine, Olaf has to keep them alive to get our fortunes.”

They all fell silent, no matter what Isadora said, they all knew that their siblings were definitely not fine.

Violet and Quigley flinched, backing against the wall as Olaf leaned in close. Olaf lifted his arm and slapped Violet across the face, she let out a cry as he made contact with her cheek.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Violet murmured, as Olaf turned to Quigley. “It was my idea. Don’t touch him.” She cried.

“That’s very sweet of you, Violet.” Olaf snarled. “Where was that attitude before?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Violet began to cry. “I won’t do it again, I promise, I’m sorry.”

“I accept your apology.” Olaf said, his mouth curling into a sinister smirk. “But what kind of parent would I be if I didn’t discipline you?”

Violet and Quigley both began to whimper as Olaf loomed over them.

“Dear.” Esme’s voice carried down the hall. “I need you in the control room.”

“Lucky for you, your discipline can wait.” He grabbed at the rope, tied around their wrists and pulled it, forcing the children to walk.

He pulled them down the corridors, until he came to a heavy door.

“You can stay in the brig.” Olaf said. “That’s boat language for jail.”

He opened the door and grabbed Quigley and Violet’s collars. He tossed the two children in before slamming the door, fiddling with the lock and walking away, whistling as he went.

“Quigley, Quigley.” Violet cried. “Are you alright?”

“No.” Quigley replied. “Not even close.”

“I know.” Violet said, her voice small. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that and now he’s really angry and he’s going to hurt us, I’m so, so, sorry, Quigley.” Violet began to cry.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” He said, trying to comfort Violet as much as he could.

“It’s not okay, it’s really not.” Violet answered.

“No, it’s not.” Quigley agreed. “We gotta get out of here.”

“How?” Violet asked. “We’re stuck on a submarine, even if we get out of this room, he’ll just catch us again.”

Quigley’s face fell. “How’re we going to get to the Last Safe Place?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” Violet said, defeat in her voice. “I just wanna go home, I’m sick of this, I want things to go back to how they used to be.” Her voice cracked and tears began falling from her face.

“So do I.” Quigley responded, sadly.

“I’m sorry, It’s my fault we got caught, I shouldn’t have fought him, I’m sorry.” Violet sobbed.

“It’s not your fault.” Quigley said.

“It is. It is.” Violet’s whole body shook as she spoke.

Both children fell silent.

“I just got them back, you know?” Quigley said, beginning to cry. “I just got them back.”

The two children sat in the brig, crying over everything they had lost and everything they had done. The rope was scratchy around their wrists, their whole bodies ached and they felt hopelessly broken.

“Now.” Fiona was saying. “If you’re going to join my crew you're going to need uniforms. But first, you’re probably starving so we can go see Cookie.”

“Cookie?” Sunny asked.

“My other crewman.” Fiona explained. “He cooks all the meals. Hey, Cookie! Come one out!” She called.

“Klaus, Sunny?” Cookie asked, sticking his head around the corner.

“Phil!” Sunny exclaimed.

“What are you doing here?” Klaus asked.

“I’m second in command, now!” Phil said, happily.

“I’m so glad you got out of that terrible lumber mill.” Klaus said.

“I know! Now I’m a cook on an understaffed submarine!” He smiled as he stepped out from the kitchen, revealing a wooden leg.

“Oh, Phil, I’m so sorry for causing that accident.” Klaus said, apologetically.

“Oh, no, that healed ages ago! My leg was eaten by a shark!” He exclaimed.

Duncan looked horrified.

“It was really painful, but I was lucky to see such a dangerous animal up close!”

“I see you're still an optimist.” Klaus remarked.

“What’s for dinner, Cookie?” Asked Fiona.

“Well, I’ll give you a hint. It’s very chewy.” Phil said.

“Chewy?” Sunny asked.

“It’s just gum!” Phil smiled.

Sunny groaned and pulled on Klaus’ hand, pointing at the kitchen.

“Sunny would be happy to help you, she’s recently taken up an interest in cooking.” Klaus said.

Phil nodded, appreciatively.

“Follow me to the barracks.” Fiona said. “We’ll get you suited up and then Sunny can help out in the galley. Do you three have any skills?”

“Well, I’m interested in journalism.” Duncan said.

“And I’m okay at researching.” Klaus added.

“Well that’s a lie.” Isadora said. “Duncan is an amazing journalist and Klaus is a very dedicated researcher.”

“Do you have anything useful, Isadora?” Fiona asked.

“Well, I, I mean…” Isadora stammered.

“She writes couplets.” Duncan answered. “She’s pretty good at it, too.”

“Excellent. I have jobs for each of you!” Fiona said. “Here, there should be uniforms in there for each if you. I’ll wait out here. Hurry, he who hesitates is lost!”

The four children nodded and entered the room.

“What do you guys think of Fiona?” Klaus asked.

“Well, I know what Isadora thinks of her.” Duncan answered, nudging his sister.

“Oh, shut up.” Isadora responded. “You probably wish Klaus looked that good in a sailors outfit.”

Duncan blushed, furiously and Klaus began to cough.

Sunny smiled, clapping her hands and giggling.

“What did she mean by ‘he who hesitates is lost’?” Duncan asked.

“I saw it on a plaque in the main room, maybe it’s a motto or something.” Klaus said. “But it should be he or she who hesitates is lost.”

“Maybe that’s harder to fit on a plaque.” Duncan suggested.

“Do you think we can trust her?” Klaus asked.

“I think we can trust her.” Isadora answered, quickly.

“I want to, but there’s just something about her that makes me, I don’t know.”

“She reminds you of Violet, right?” Duncan asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” Klaus answered, his voice small.

“I know what you mean. Right after the fire, I’d see someone with a similar haircut or reading a book that he liked and my heart would jump. But Violet’s not dead and neither’s Quigley.” Duncan said, determination clear in his face. “And we’re going to get them back. Both of them.”

The brig had gotten a lot darker and the two children assumed that they were traveling deeper and deeper under the sea.

“Why do you think Olaf wants a submarine?” Quigley asked.

“At least he’s not hunting our siblings.” Violet said.

“But what could he be doing at the bottom of the ocean?” Quigley asked again.

“There’s a million possibilities.” Violet said. “And none of them are good.”

The two fell silent, as the submarine groaned and creaked. In the silence they heard a clanking of footsteps and the loud noise of Olaf and Esme’s voices.

“We should be looking for those bratty kids.” Olaf was complaining.

Violet and Quigley gasped, shrinking back against the wall as the voices got louder and louder.

“Olaf, are you in one of your moods?” Esme asked.

“We have better things to do than float around in this hunk of tin!” Olaf argued.

“Listen here. I supported you through all those times we chased those orphans through the least ‘in’ places in the hinterlands. This time, we are going after what I want.” Esme snapped.

“The sugar bowl.” Olaf said, raising his voice to mimic Esme’s.

“You’re damn right, the sugar bowl.” Esme yelled.

The voices stopped outside the door.

“Now, why did you want me here?” Esme asked.

“To torture the orphans.” Olaf said and the two children felt their hearts stop.

The heavy door swung open, revealing Olaf and Esme, dressed in an octopus dress.

“Hello, orphans.” Esme said. “This is a lovely occasion, isn’t it? Just you, me, my boyfriend and a whole bunch of fun torture techniques!”

The two children pressed themselves against the wall, leaning as far away from Esme as they could.

“My boyfriend told me about your behaviour, Miss Violet, and I wasn’t very impressed. Luckily for you, he suggested a way to help you learn.”

“No, no, please.” Violet begged. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Actions speak stronger than words.” Esme said, grabbing what was left of Violet’s hair and pulling her up.

Violet let out a cry as her hair was pulled. “Please, please.” She began to cry.

Olaf approached the two, pulling out a small knife and grabbing Quigley’s wrists.

“No, no.” Violet shouted. “Stop, stop, please. It was my fault, stop, stop!”

Olaf brought the knife down, cutting the ropes that held Violet and Quigley together. He yanked on Quigley’s arm, pulling him up. Quigley began to cry as Olaf dug his fingernails into his arm.

Esme crouched down beside Violet, grabbing her arm and pulling her up, so she was standing, before grabbing her shoulders, roughly and forcing her to face Olaf.

Olaf grabbed onto Quigley’s arms and knelt down, repeatedly smashing Quigley’s body into the hard, metal grate.

“Stop! Stop! Stop it!” Violet yelled, kicking out at Esme, trying to free herself. “Stop it! Stop! Please!” She cried out, desperately. “Stop it! You’ll kill him! Stop!” Violet screamed as Esme, sick of Violet’s struggling, slapped her across the face.

Olaf stood up, leaving Quigley limp on the floor.

“What did you do to him?” She yelled. “Let me go.”

Olaf only laughed as he took the struggling girl from Esme.

“You didn’t think I’d let you go unpunished, did you?” He asked.

“Quigley didn’t do anything, leave him alone.” Violet shouted, twisting her shoulders. “It was my fault.”

“Well, if you insist.” Olaf said, pushing Violet against the wall and balling his hand into a fist.

Violet cried out as Olaf’s fist made contact with her face, over and over again. She stopped struggling, and began coughing up blood, but Olaf didn’t stop, not until Violet had passed out, blood smeared over her face. He let Violet’s limp form fall to the ground, beside Quigley.

Olaf only laughed, grabbing his girlfriend's arm and locking the door behind them.

Chapter Text

Chapter Seventeen

A fun trip under the sea

“This is the library.” Fiona said, as she led the children into a large room, with books lining the walls. “The ocean current charts are over there.” She pointed to a desk and Klaus and Duncan nodded before racing over.

“These are where I keep all the books I’m interested in.” Fiona said, showing Isadora a shelf full of books.

“Mycology.” Isadora read. “What’s that?”

“Mycology is the study of mushrooms.” Fiona explained.

“That’s cool.” Isadora said, running her fingers over the spines of the books.

“Mycology and your-cology?” Isadora asked, trying not to laugh.

“My brother got it for me.” Fiona giggled. “He thought it was pretty funny.”

“Where’s your brother, now?” Isadora asked.

“I don’t know.” Fiona said. “I know that he’s not dead, I know it.”

Isadora nodded. “Yeah, Count Olaf got my other brother, too.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Fiona said, putting a hand in Isadora’s shoulder.

Isadora blushed, before saying, “It’s not your fault.”

The two girls fell silent.

“Sorry, this is going to seem really blunt, but why can’t you tell us what’s so important about the sugar bowl?” Isadora asked.

“Look, the truth is, I don’t know.” Fiona sighed.

“You don’t know?” Isadora asked. “Then why are you spending so much time looking for it?”

“My stepfather knew what was in it, but he wouldn’t tell me. He said that it wasn’t important, said that I didn’t need to know, so I didn’t ask. He disappeared about a year ago and since then it’s just been me and Cookie.” Fiona explained.

“What about your brother?” Isadora asked.

“He’s been missing for a while now.” Fiona said, sadly. “But it’s nice to have some new crew members on the Queequeg.” She smiled at Isadora and Isadora smiled back.

“If the Stricken Stream ends here, and VFD headquarters is here, then the sugar bowl should have entered the water…. here.” Duncan pointed to a spot on the map.

“Then it should have travelled downstream, and ended up somewhere… here?” Klaus drew a big circle around a spot on the map. “Ugh, it could be anywhere.” Klaus lowered his head and laid his head onto the table.

“I wish Quigley was here.” Duncan said. “He’s really good with maps.”

“We’ll find him, Duncan. We’ll find them both.” Klaus said, grabbing Duncan’s hands. “But for now, we gotta find this stupid bowl.”

“Why does this organisation have an obsession with a bowl of sugar?” Duncan asked, throwing his arms in the air.

“Not only an obsession, they split up the whole thing over it.” Klaus corrected. “It’s probably a cult thing.”

“What, like they worship it?” Duncan asked. “‘Oh mighty sugar bowl, please accept our sacrifice.’” He imitated, raising his arms and mock bowing.

Klaus snorted. “Oh mighty sugar bowl.” He chanted, joined Duncan in a mock bow.

The two boys began to laugh.

“It better be full of pure gold.” Duncan said, looking back at the map. “How long do you reckon it would take to search this?” He pointed to the circle Klaus had drawn.

“Longer than until Thursday.” Klaus groaned. “Okay, pass me that book on ocean currents again.”

When Violet woke up again, her face was pressed against cold metal and her head hurt. Her head really hurt. She sat up, taking in her surroundings and the gravity of her situation hit her. She groaned, rubbing her face and instantly regretted it as her hand came away covered in dried blood. She spat on her hand, rubbing it on her face, trying to scrub all the blood off. She lent her head against the cold wall, breathing in through her nose as a wave of nausea hit her. She sat forwards, retching and throwing up. Violet put her head between her legs, breathing heavily. When she slowly put her head up again she saw Quigley, still lying on ground. She turned around and shook Quigley’s shoulder.

“Hey, hey, Quigley.” She said, gently. “Quigley, you okay?”

“No.” Quigley groaned, burying his head in his arms.

“But you’re not going to die on me, right?” Violet asked.

“I’m not that lucky.” He moaned, looking at Violet. “Jesu Christ, Vi. What did he do to you?”

“Did I not get all the blood off?” She asked.

“Not even close.” Quigley said, sitting up and wincing at the pain.

Quigley lifted up the edge of his shirt and grimaced at the bruises that snaked around his side.

“That looks bad.” Violet said, gently touching the purple welts. Quigley flinched.

“Sorry.” She said. “Here, lean against the wall, it’s cold. It feels really nice.”

Quigley leaned back against the wall, next to Violet whose bloodied face was hard to see in the dim light.

“I’m sorry.” Violet said, her voice slightly muffled.

“What for?” Quigley asked.

“You know what.” Violet said. “It’s my fault, I should’ve just stayed quiet.”

“No, Violet. No, you don’t get to say that.” Quigley said. “What that bastard does is nothing to do with you, nothing he does is your fault.”

“But he wouldn’t have hurt us, if I hadn’t argued with him.” Violet said.

“Yeah he would’ve. He’s disgusting. He would have beaten us up anyway.” Quigley said.

“You think?” Violet asked, tilting her head towards him.

“I know.” Quigley said.

“Is it weird that you saying he was going to beat us up reassures me?” Violet asked.

“I mean, we’re being held captive in a submarine with tentacles, so, I guess not?” Quigley answered.

“I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting.” Violet said.

Did you think that being held captive in a submarine would be a fun trip under the sea?” Quigley asked

“Obviously, I did. That rope should’ve been a giveaway.” Violet said.

“Mm, or the dark brig.” Quigley agreed.

The two children fell silent, their weak attempt at a joke not managing to lift their spirits.

“Tell me the truth, alright, Violet. Do you reckon our siblings will find us?” Quigley asked.

“I don’t see how, I mean we’re god knows where in the middle of the ocean.” Violet answered. “Do you reckon we’ll be able to escape by Thursday and get to the Last Safe Place?”

“How many days away is Thursday?” Quigley asked. “What day is it today? Where is the Last Safe Place? Where the hell are we, even?”

“Is that a no?” Violet asked.

“Most likely.” Quigley said.

Violet sighed.

“My turn. Do you reckon we’ll ever escape?” Quigley asked.

“With our fortunes or without?” Violet asked.

“Preferably with.” Quigley said.

“Depending on how long we’re stuck in this submarine, I mean I’ll be fifteen soon. Do you reckon he could keep us for three years?” Violet asked.

“I want to believe that we’ll be found by then, but everyone’s kind of stupid in regards to Olaf and I don’t want Isadora or Duncan anywhere near him.” Quigley said. “Because I’ve spent so much time apart from them, and as soon as I find them again, they’re gone and suddenly we’re stuck in a deranged villain’s submarine. I mean, Violet, nothing about this is okay. Look, you’re covered in blood and I’ve got a shitton of bruises all over my stomach.”

“I know, I know.” Violet said.

“It’s bullshit. This is all bullshit.” Quigley cried.

“And I just feel so bad. Sunny’s just a baby and she’s had no time to grow up as a normal kid, like we’ve spent so much time on the run and I mean, she was blamed for murder for God’s sake. And, oh god, what if Olaf did this to her when he had her.” Violet said.

“I’m sure he didn’t.” Quigley said.

“But what if I never find out, what if I never get to see her grow up, Quigley? I mean, Olaf’s not going to keep us alive when he’s got our money.” Violet said.

“I know, Vi, I know.” Quigley

“Maybe we could lie about our ages, tell him we’re younger than we are, until Klaus and Isadora and Duncan can take all the money.” Violet suggested.

“He’ll just kill us then.” Quigley said.

“I think we die either way.” Violet said, morbidly.

They both fell silent.

“You know, it’s actually not normal that we can just accept death like that.” Quigley said.

“Do you know what I’d give to be normal?” Violet asked.

“Quite a lot?” Quigley asked.

“The whole fucking world.” Violet sighed.

“What do normal kids even do?” Quigley asked.

“I mean, they don’t have parents in secret organisations, for one.” Violet said.

“And they’re parents are probably still alive.” Quigley said.

“And they don’t spend their lives running from a deranged Count.” Violet added.

“I guess they don’t get kidnapped and held captive in a submarine, either.” Quigley said.

“Wow, our lives suck.” Violet laughed, humorlessly.

“That they do.” Quigley agreed.

The two sat, quietly contemplating their situation. The silence seemed to fill the room,

“There’s got to be someone looking for us, though, isn't there? Violet asked.

“Other than Mr Poe?” Quigley asked.

“I really hope so.” Violet said. “I very much doubt that Mr Poe is going to rescue us. But what about you, whose in charge of your fortune?”

“Well, I’m legally dead so it’s not my fortune and no one will be looking for me, but even still, she wouldn't be helping us.” Quigley said.

“Is she as useless as Mr Poe?” Violet asked.

“Nah, she’s the one who captured us.” Quigley sighed.

“Esme?” Violet exclaimed.

“Yep.” Quigley said.

“Oh, god. It’s a small world.” Violet said. “I mean, what are the chances that the lady who adopted us, also happens to be the one in charge of your fortune.”

“Why does she even want our money?” Quigley asked. “She’s like, super rich.”

“She probably just wants revenge on my mum.” Violet said. “Do you think those stories she told us are true?”

“I don’t know.” Quigley said. “I don’t know what to believe.”

“If they are, that means Olaf and Esme both have a motive for hurting me, but I don’t understand how you fit into it.”

“Probably just extra cash.” Quigley sighed.

“It’s really horrible that they can exchange a life for sapphires.” Violet said.

“Or for revenge.” Quigley added.

“It’s really horrible.” Violet corrected.

“Yes. It is.” Quigley agreed. “Do you think our siblings are alright?”

“I’m sure they’re fine, I mean, they’ve got to be better off than us, right?” Violet asked, reaching her hand out.

“Right.” Quigley agreed, grabbing Violet’s fingers.

“Well, if we’ve calculated it correctly, then the sugar bowl should have ended up here.” Duncan said, pointing to a spot on a map.

“And, we’re not totally good at map stuff, but it looks like a cavern or an underwater cave or something. We don’t really know, but it’s labeled ‘GG”, right under ‘AA’.” Klaus added.

“What do they stand for?” Isadora asked.

“We don’t know.” Klaus admitted.

“Anwhistle Aquatics.” Fiona said.

“Sorry?” Duncan asked.

“AA, it stands for Anwhistle Aquatics.” Fiona said.

“Anwhistle was my Aunt Josephine’s last name.” Klaus said.

“I know. Ike Anwhistle ran it with his brother Gregor.”

“Aunt Joesphine never mentioned it.” Klaus said.

“Well, the storys a little weird. Ike and Gregor had a fight about something and then they never spoke to each other again. Then there was a fire and Gregor died.” Fiona explained.

“What’s the GG, then?” Isadora asked.

“The Gorgonian Grotto.” Fiona said.

“So that’s where we are headed?” Duncan asked.

“Maybe not.” Fiona said.

“What?” Klaus asked.

“We should think about this, before we move.” Fiona said.

“I thought ‘he who hesitated was lost.’” Duncan

“Maybe this time we should stop and think.” Fiona said.

“We can’t stop!” Klaus cried. “We need to get to the Last Safe Place!”

“Isadora, tell your friend he’s being selfish!”

Isadora stood silently, her mouth open.

“Selfish?” Duncan exclaimed. “We want to save our siblings from a fucking pedophile. How is that selfish?”

Fiona opened her mouth, as if to argue with Duncan but was interrupted by Phil bringing a tray of food into the room.

“Who’s hungry?” Phil asked, Sunny at his heels.

“Good timing, Phil.” Isadora sighed.

“Clam chowder!” He cried, placing bowls in front of all the children, not noticing the glares that Duncan and Klaus were shooting Fiona.

Fiona took a deep breath. “On the advice of my crew, I’ve decided to set sail for the Gorgonian Grotto, right away.”

Klaus and Duncan let out a sigh of relief, giving Fiona apologetic smiles.

“See!” Phil exclaimed, happily. “There’s nothing a nice family dinner can’t solve!”

“World hunger?” Isadora asked.

“Stomach ache?” Fiona added.

“Complex math?” Sunny suggested.

“I’m talking about real problems, guys!” Phil laughed.

“I’m sorry about before.“ Duncan said to Fiona. “We got a bit carried away.” Duncan nudged Klaus.

“It’s just, really stressful and I’m just really worried about Violet, I’m sorry.” Klaus added.

“It’s alright, I’m sorry too. We’ve just all got a lot on our plates at the moment.” Fiona said. “I’m sure your siblings are fine.”

“Orphans! Oh orphans!” Olaf called as he came up the corridor.

“Oh no.” Violet said, grabbing Quigley’s arm and pulling him towards the back of the room. “No, no, no, no.” She muttered.

Quigley, standing just behind Violet began to shake with fear.

“Oh no, no, no, no.” Violet continued to murmur.

“We’ve got a special surprise for you!” Esme shrieked.

Olaf opened the heavy door, letting in a crack of light. The two children saw that he held something in his hands and they shrunk back against the wall.

“Hello, orphans.” Olaf said. “Did you miss us?”

Violet and Quigley stayed silent, gripping onto each other’s arms.

“But, it’s alright.” Esme smiled, menacingly. “We’ve got gifts!”

Esme, still in her octopus costume, strolled over, grabbing Quigley’s arm and yanking him away from Violet. Olaf crosses the brig and grabbed Violet, pulling her to his side.

“Who wants their gift first?” Olaf asked.

The children still stayed silent, refusing to answer, still frozen with fear.

“Fine, I guess I’ll pick then.” He snarled. “I think, you.” He poked Violet’s cheek. “You have caused us the most trouble.”

Violet let out a whimper as Olaf reached behind his back, pulling out a long double-spiked needle with a long handle and a trigger. He fiddled around with it, before grabbing Violet’s arm and stabbing the needle into it. Violet let out a loud cry as the needles pierced her skin and Olaf pulled the trigger, injecting something into her bloodstream.

“Stop, please, stop.” Quigley begged.

“But you haven’t had your turn yet, orphan boy.” Esme said, as Olaf threw her the needle.

Esme reloaded the needle-gun and grabbed Quigley’s arm. He struggled a little, before realising he wasn’t able to escape and clenched his eyes shut. He yelled out as the needle cut into his skin and a cold liquid flowed into his arm.

Esme dropped his arm, pushing Quigley to the ground, as Olaf dropped Violet, kicking her against the ground.

“That’s all, orphans.” Olaf said, as he and Esme made to leave.

“What did you do to us?” Violet yelled after them. “What did you do?”

Esme shrugged at her, blowing a kiss as she shut the door behind her.

“What do they do?” Quigley whispered.

“It couldn’t have been too bad, could it?” Violet said. “He wouldn't kill us.”

“He just wants to torture us.” Quigley said, his voice small.

The two children began to cry, holding onto each other as they waited for whatever was to come.

Chapter Text

Chapter Eighteen

A Family Reunion

“Here.” Fiona said, stopping outside a door. “You can sleep in here, there should be enough hammocks. If you need me, I’ll be in the control room.”

“You won’t be sleeping?” Isadora asked.

“Oh, no. It’s best that I stay awake, in case we hit something.” Fiona said.

“I could stay with you, keep you company, if you’d like.” Isadora said.

“Oh, Only if you want to.” Fiona said.

“I’d be happy to.” Isadora smiled.

“Great!” Fiona said, happily.

Duncan rolled his eyes and turned back towards Klaus, grabbing his arm and pushing him, gently through the door.

“Real smooth, Isa.” Duncan said.

“Oh, shut up.” Isadora said, before turning to Sunny. “If he gets too gay, just hit him.”

Sunny giggled and Duncan looked indignantly at his sister.

“Come on Fiona, let's go. Try to sleep you three.” She waved behind her as the two girls walked down the corridor.

“How did you learn to drive a submarine?”

Isadora and Fiona were in the control room, sitting at the table.

“My stepfather taught me, before he disappeared.” Fiona said. “He was really reluctant to, though. He thought that girls shouldn’t be able to do these kinds of things.”

“Well, that’s bullshit.” Isadora said. “You’re incredible.”

Fiona raised her eyebrows at Isadora.

“... at submarine stuff, incredible at submarineing.” Isadora stammered.

“Submarineing?” Fiona giggled.

“Oh, you know what I mean.” Isadora laughed.

Fiona smiled, softly at Isadora and Isadora grinned back.

The moment was ruined, by a loud blaring of alarms.

“What’s that?” Isadora asked, jumping up.

“The radar.” Fiona said. “We must be approaching something.”

She raced over to the screens, which were depicting a question mark shape.

“Oh no.” She said. “Isadora, go and get the others, quickly and very quietly.”

“Why? What’s happened?” Isadora asked.

“Just go!” Fiona cried, racing to the other side of the room and switching off the lights. “I’ll get Phil!”

Isadora raced out of the room, rushing down the hallways to the small room where the others were sleeping.

Duncan and Klaus looked around the small room that was strung with hammocks.

“Which one do you want, Sunny?” Klaus asked.

“Top!” Sunny said, clapping her hands.

Klaus lifted her up, “Be careful.”

Sunny giggled happily, rolling over.

Duncan and Klaus sat down on a hammock.

“Do you reckon we can trust Fiona?” Klaus whispered to Duncan.

“I don’t know.” Duncan said. “I mean, Isadora trusts her, so I want to.”

“Yeah, but why was she holding back? Why didn’t she want to go to the grotto right away?” Klaus asked.

“I don’t know.” Duncan said. “But it’s kind of weird.”

“It’s more than weird, it’s suspicious.” Klaus said.

“Let’s search the sub, then.” Duncan said.

“What, now?” Klaus said.

“Well, I mean, Fiona’s distracted and Isadora wouldn’t agree with it.” Duncan said.

“I guess.” Klaus said. “Lemme get Sunny.”

“Nah, leave her, she’s sleeping.” Duncan said.

“Are you sure, will she be alright?” Klaus asked.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine.” Duncan said. “Come on, let’s go now.”

“Okay.” Klaus agreed, reluctantly.

The two quietly snuck out of the room, quietly making their way down to the library.

“Quigley, are you feeling anything?” Violet asked.

“No. Are you?” Quigley asked.

“No.” Violet answered.

“Do you think they mucked up the drug?” Quigley asked.

“No, he wouldn’t be that stupid.” Violet said.

“Why do you think he drugged us?” Quigley asked.

“I don’t know.” Violet said, yawning.

The two fell silent.

“Hey, Violet, I’m really tired.” Quigley said, drowsily.

“Mm, so am I.” Violet said.

“But we can’t go to sleep, coz that’s probably the drug.” Quigley said.

“Oh no.” Violet said.

Quigley shut his eyes, leaning against Violet.

“No, no, Quigley. You can’t go to sleep.” Violet said, shaking him.

“No, Mum, just five more minutes.” Quigley muttered, curling up.

“No, no, not five more minutes.” Violet said. “You can’t go to sleep.”

“Mm ‘kay.” Quigley said, making no effort to get up.

“No, no, no, no.” Violet muttered, her words slurring as the room swam before her eyes.

Violet slumped down, Quigley still asleep next to her, as her attempts to fight the drug weren’t working. She forced her eyes open, trying to sit up. It became too much, as Violet laid down, shut her eyes and let the hazy sleep take her.

“What’re we looking for, again?” Klaus asked, standing on a stepladder against the shelves.

“Anything that might be a bit suspicious.” Duncan answered, looking at the mycology books.

“And what does suspicious entail?” Klaus asked, jumping down from the stool and going up to the desk.

“I don’t know, Klaus, something that would stop her from helping us?” Duncan asked.

Klaus opened a drawer, and pulled out a thin newspaper clipping. “Like this?”

Duncan raced over. “What is it?”

“Look, it’s a report on Anwhistle Aquatics burning down, and look who was Gregor’s assistant at that time.” Klaus said, pointing to the picture.

“Holy shit, it’s the man with hooks.” Duncan said. “And look, it says his name is… Fernald Widdershins…”

“He’s Fiona’s missing brother.” Klaus said, in shock.

“I knew she was hiding something!” Duncan cheered.

“But that doesn’t explain why she didn’t want to go to the Grotto.” Klaus said.

“But if she’s a double agent…” Duncan began.

“Then she wouldn’t want to find the sugar bowl!” Klaus finished.

“Isadora!” Duncan exclaimed. “Will she be alright?”

“Oh, god, we have to go check.” Klaus said.

They rushed out of the library and began to make their way to the control room but stopped in their tracks as they heard an alarm.

“Oh no. Isadora, go and get the others, quickly and very quietly.” They heard Fiona order.

“Run!” Duncan said, grabbing Klaus’ hand and pulling him down the corridor and back to the room where they were supposedly sleeping.

The two boys launched themselves into the bottom hammock, landing in a tangle of arms and legs, and shut their eyes, pretending to be asleep, just as Isadora raced into the room.

“Guys, quick wake up!” She yelled, wrenching open the door.

Duncan and Klaus awoke with a start, Klaus instantly sitting up and Duncan quickly moving his legs out from underneath Klaus’.

“Come on, get Sunny.” She said. “And we gotta be quiet.”

“What? What’s going on?” Duncan asked as Klaus reached up, grabbing a still dozy Sunny from the hammock.

“Somethings wrong, Fiona said to get you, she said we’ve got to be quiet.” Isadora explained, hurriedly. “She also said we had to be quick, hurry up.” She opened the door as the children raced towards the main room.

“Fiona!” Isadora cried as she rushed into the dark room, Duncan and Klaus, with Sunny in his arms, close behind.

“Ssh!” Fiona said, grabbing Isadora’s arm and pulling her down, against the wall. “Hide over there, behind the table.” She hissed, to Klaus and Duncan.

They all fell quiet, their hearts racing, the only noise was the beeping of the radar, that showed a question mark rapidly approaching.

Duncan clutched at Klaus’ arm and Sunny let out a small whimper as the shape got closer and closer.

As it made its way, past the Queequeg, the children caught a glimpse of a big eye. They all held their breath, eyes on the radar as the question mark moved further and further away.

“What was that?” Klaus exclaimed, as Fiona switched the lights back on.

“No one really knows.” Fiona said. “My stepfather used to call it the Great Unknown.”

“What else are you keeping from us?” Duncan accused.

“Duncan!” Isadora said, chiding her brother. “I’m sorry, Fi, ignore him.”

“Fi?” Duncan asked. “Isadora, do you even know her?”

“What are you talking about?” Isadora asked.

“Klaus, show her what we found.” Duncan said.

“What do you mean?” Fiona said. “What did you find?”

“Oh, don’t pretend you don’t know.” Duncan said, as Klaus pulled the newspaper clipping out of his pocket.

“That’s from my private desk!” Fiona exclaimed. “Did you go through my stuff?”

“Duncan! Klaus!” Isadora shouted. “What the hell?”

“Sorry.” Klaus said. “But you really need to see this.”

“See what?” Isadora asked.

Duncan grabbed the paper from Klaus’ hand. “Look, here.”

“That’s the Hook Handed Man!” Isadora exclaimed.

“Exactly.” Klaus said. “And look what it says his name is, ‘Fernald Widdershins’.”

“Fiona’s brother.” Duncan said. “What else have you been hiding from us?”

“I… this… no…” Fiona stammered.

Isadora looked shocked. “Fiona.” She said, her voice low. “What’s going on?”

“How do you know my brother?” Fiona asked. “Is he alive?”

“He works for Count Olaf. He helped to kidnap our siblings.” Klaus said, anger rising in his voice.

“You didn’t know that?” Isadora asked.

“No, no. I haven’t seen him for years, I didn’t even know he was alive.” Fiona said.

“Well then why did you hesitate about the grotto?” Duncan asked. “Why didn’t you send us straight there?”

“The Medusiod Mycelium.” Fiona said.

“Come again?” Sunny said.

“It’s the world’s most poisonous fungus.” Fiona explained. “It only grows in the Gorgonian Grotto.”

“And what, you weren’t going to tell us? You were just going to let us blindly swim into poison?” Duncan asked.

“No, no, I was going to tell you, I just…” Fiona trailed off as a beeping began.

The radar was flashing with a shape of an octopus.

“What’s that?” Isadora asked.

“I don’t know.” Fiona said, rushing up to the machines.

Duncan and Klaus rushed up to the window.

“Guys, it’s another submarine.” Klaus said.

“What?” Isadora.

“And… holy fuck, that’s not.” Duncan said.

“It is.” Klaus gulped.

“It is, what?” Isadora shouted.

“It’s Olaf.” They said, together.

“What?” Isadora yelled.

The submarine shuddered and the children were tossed across the room. Duncan and Klaus, standing at the window, were thrown into the table, Klaus shielding Sunny with his body and Isadora and Fiona toppled backwards into the wall.

“What’s he doing?” Isadora cried, as the Queequeg was pulled towards the giant octopus submarine.

“He’s pulling us in.” Duncan yelled.

The submarine shuddered again and the children all wobbled, unsteadily, before being yanked, suddenly, into Olaf’s boat.

They all screamed, as they were thrown backwards before the submarine jolted to a stop.

“Does someone want to explain to me, what the hell just happened?” Fiona asked.

“Olaf’s got us again.” Isadora said, frozen with fear.

“But if he’s here, then…” Klaus began.

“So are Quigley and Violet!” Duncan finished.

“We have to get on that boat.” Klaus said.

“Uhh, hello? Earth to Duncan and Klaus, did you forget who you’re talking about?” Isadora said. “Do you think Count Olaf’s just going to hand them over, saying, ‘oh I’m sorry for chasing you around, trying to steal your fortune, kidnapping your siblings, oh and not mention the horrible stuff I did to Violet, Klaus and Sunny before you Quagmires arrived’?”

“Well, do we hide, or what?” Duncan asked.

“Fiona hides.” Isadora said. “He’d be suspicious if there was only one or two of us here, and Olaf probably saw you two in the window.”

“I can’t just sit back and let you get captured!” Fiona exclaimed.

“Send a telegram or something, to VFD and tell them we need help.” Isadora said. “Please, Fiona, it’s our only option.”

“Okay then.” Fiona said, unsurely, before rushing off towards the library.

“Okay.” Klaus said, picking up Sunny and gripping her arm, tightly.

“He’s going to be here soon. Do we have a plan?” Duncan asked.

“I guess murder is off the table?” Isadora said, grabbing Duncan’s hand.

“Very much so.” Klaus laughed, humourlessly.

The children all held their breath as they heard footsteps, coming down towards them.

“Oh, orphans. I thought I saw you in the window! What a lovely family reunion.” Olaf snarled.

“What did you do with them?” Isadora yelled.

“Oh, maybe I should get them to teach you a lesson, they know not to disrespect me, now.” Olaf said.

“Where are they?” Duncan shouted.

“Tsk, tsk.” Olaf chided. “You’ll see your siblings again soon.”

“Give them back, now!” Klaus demanded.

“I don’t think you’re in a position to make demands.” Olaf smirked and as soon as he finished speaking, Esme and The Hook Handed Man grabbed the children from behind.

“Let us go!” Isadora screamed, kicking out at Esme. “Let me go, you bastards.”

“Get off me!” Duncan yelled, twisting his shoulders to try and break Esme’s grip.

The Hook Handed Man grabbed Klaus’ collar and reached around, grabbing Sunny.

“No! No.” Klaus shouted. “Give her back!”

“Sorry.” The Hook Handed Man murmured, gently holding Sunny against his chest.

Klaus stopped struggling, shocked at what he’d heard.

“Don’t you want to see your siblings?” Olaf asked.

The children all took a breath in.

“Where are they?” Klaus yelled.

“Give them back!” Duncan screamed.

“Oh, but of course, what kind of father would I be if I didn’t let you see them?” Olaf said.

“You’re not our father, and you never will be!” Isadora shouted.

“That's what Violet thought, as well!” Olaf laughed. “But she learnt her lesson soon enough.”

“What did you do to her?” Klaus yelled, struggling to free himself.

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” He asked and Esme and The Hook Handed Man pulled the children forward, dragging them through the corridors and back to Olaf’s submarine.

Olaf’s submarine was cold and dark. As they were dragged through, they caught a glimpse of a big room. Carmelita was tap dancing and yelling while the kidnapped snow scouts were forced to row.

“We’re almost there.” Olaf said. “Hooky, give me the boy and the baby, you go search the Queequeg, make sure it’s empty.”

The Hook Handed Man nodded and passed Sunny, carefully to Klaus, before pushing him towards Olaf.

They were dragged up a staircase and down a long corridor.

“And here we are, the brig.” Olaf said. “Your siblings are in here.” He smiled, opening the door to the brig.

Violet and Quigley were both slumped against the floor, still drugged.

“What did you do to them?” Isadora screamed, her heart in her throat

“Oh, they’ll wake up eventually.” Olaf said, casually. “It was just a little drug.”

“You drugged them?” Klaus exclaimed.

“Oh, I’m sure they’ll be fine.” Olaf said. “I tried on the snow scouts, it only took a few tries to get it right.”

“You’re a disgusting piece of shit!” Duncan yelled, kicking out at Esme.

“Right, well you’ve seen them now.” Olaf said. “Off to your cell now!”

“No, no leave us with them.” Isadora cried.

“Well, if you insist.” Olaf said. “Esme, dear, could you watch the bookworm? I’ll be back in a minute.”

Olaf disappeared down the stairs.

“Please, Esme just let us have them back.” Klaus begged.

“You expect me just to give them back?” Esme asked, incredulously. “Of course I will not.”

Isadora and Duncan began to kick Esme again.

“Let us go!” Duncan cried.

“If you keep this up, I’ll convince Olaf to kill your brother and keep you instead.” Esme threatened.

Isadora and Duncan immediately stopped struggling, looks of horror on their faces.

“You wouldn’t.” Isadora said.

“You want to try me?” Esme asked.

Isadora and Duncan stayed silent.

“That’s What I thought.” Esme smirked.

“I’m back!” Olaf called, as he climbed the stairs, something clanking behind him.

As he came further up the stairs, the children saw what he was carrying. Chains.

Olaf approached the children, grabbing Klaus’ wrist and roughly attaching the chain to it. He moved to Isadora and Duncan and repeated the process. Olaf walked back to Klaus.

“Insurance.” He said, pulling Sunny from his grip.

“No! No! Give her back.” He cried, launching himself at Olaf, only to be pulled back as Esme tugged on the chain.

“Not so fast, bookworm.” She said.

“Please, she’s just a baby.” Klaus begged. “Give her back, please.”

“But, you might escape, and the only way to make sure you don’t do that is to keep little Sunny with me.” Olaf smirked.

“Please, please, please don’t hurt her.” Klaus begged.

Sunny began to cry, in Olaf’s arms. Olaf grimaced and handed her over to Esme.

Olaf grabbed the chain, yanking the three children towards him and strolled into the small cell, attaching the chain to the wall.

“I don’t need to tie those two up.” Olaf said, gesturing to Violet and Quigley. “They know to obey me.”

He walked out with Esme, Sunny still crying in her arms.

“Quigley, Quigley!” Isadora said, leaning over as far as the chain would let her.

Duncan reached over shaking Quigley’s shoulder, “Quigley, come on. Wake up.”

“Can you reach Violet?” Klaus asked, straining as far as possible. “I’m too far away.”

“Violet? Violet!” Duncan said.

“Mhm.” Violet moaned. “No, Mum, it’s a Saturday.”

“Violet!” Klaus exclaimed.

“Klaus?” Violet asked. “What, but. Oh shit.”

“Are you alright, Vi?” Klaus asked.

Violet ignored Klaus, shaking Quigley’s shoulder.

“Quigley, oh shit. This is going to be really scary, but I figured out the drug.” Violet said.

“Umph.” Quigley groaned, sitting up. “What is it?”

“I think I’m hallucinating.” Violet said.

“No, you’re not!” Duncan cried. “We’re really here.”

“Stop, stop, get out of my head.” Violet shouted, shutting her eyes and jamming her hands over her ears.

Quigley was silent, reaching out a hand and touching Isadora’s cheek.

“You’re really here.” He began to cry. “Violet, they’re really here.”

Violet looked up, her eyes watering. Isadora and Duncan wrapped their arms around their brother.

“Oh, god, Quigley.” Isadora cried.

“We thought we’d lost you.” Duncan wept.

“Klaus?” Violet asked.

Klaus nodded at her and Violet threw herself at her brother.

“What did he do to you?” Klaus asked, gently rubbing Violet’s face.

“Oh, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even hurt that much.” Violet said. “Are you alright, wait, Klaus, where’s Sunny?”

“Olaf.” Klaus said, before bursting into tears.

“Oh, god.” Violet said.

“We’ll get her back.” Isadora said, determinedly.

“How?” Violet cried. “You’re tied up.”

“You and Quigley could still get out of here, and save us.”

Violet and Quigley both shook their heads vigorously, shrinking back.

“What did he do to you?” Duncan asked, his voice soft.

“I… he… I don’t want to talk about it.” Violet said and Quigley nodded.

“You can tell us.” Klaus said.

“But if we tell you, then you’ll have to deal with it, too.” Quigley said.

“We can handle it.” Isadora said, reassuringly.

“But we’re the oldest.” Quigley said.

“Only by 9 minutes!” Duncan said.

Violet and Quigley looked to each other, slowly nodding at each other.

“Where do you want to know from?” Violet asked, her voice small.

“The start.” Klaus said.

Chapter Text

Chapter Nineteen

The Grim Grotto

Klaus, Duncan and Isadora sat, chained to the wall, looks of horror on their faces.

“Sorry.” Violet said, quietly.

“No, no.” Isadora said. “Do not apologize. You are not apologizing for him. I swear to god, I will kill him myself.”

Quigley opened his mouth, as if to respond, but was interrupted by Esme, wrenching open the door.

“You found it.” She shrieked, excitedly. “And now you’re going to get it.”

“What?” Duncan asked.

“The Sugar Bowl!” Esme shouted. “Get up, you three. Here, I’ll unlock those chains.”

“If you hadn’t tied us up in the first place, you wouldn’t need to.” Klaus argued, not noticing the way Violet and Quigley shrunk back.

“Shut up, orphan.” Especially ordered, unlocking the chains and pushing the three children out the door. “You, stay here.” She added, pointing to Violet and Quigley.

“No, no!” Violet cried.

“No, take us instead!” Quigley yelled.

In response, Esme slammed the door shut, ignoring the two.

“Suit up, I suppose.” Esme said, pushing the children towards the diving suits.

Duncan, Isadora and Klaus moved forwards and began to put on the heavy suits.

“Look.” Isadora said. “We’ll get your stupid sugar bowl, but you’ve got to make me a promise.”

“I’m sorry.” Esme sneered. “Who has who captive, again?”

“Please, Esme.” Duncan said. “Just don’t hurt our siblings.”

Esme only laughed, pushing the three children towards the middle of the room.

“Bring back my sugar bowl.” Esme sneered. “Then we’ll see.”

Esme left the room, slamming the door behind her. She put her face against the glass, laughing at the scared faces of the three orphans. She pushed a button and the room began to fill with water. Esme laughed, waving at the children as the hatch opened and they were forced to swim out, into the unknown.

“Oh, no, no, no, no.” Violet said. “No, no, no, no.”

“What’re we gonna do?” Quigley asked, desperately.

“We gotta get out of here.” Violet said. “We’ve got to help them.”

“We can’t.” Quigley said. “They’re at the bottom of the ocean.”

Violet took a deep breath in, before reaching for her ribbon. She twisted it between her fingers, calming herself with the familiar velvet strip. She reached behind her head. Her fingertips touched the tips of her roughly chopped hair and her face fell. Through all the trauma, she had forgotten that Esme had sliced off her long hair, back on Mount Fraught.

“Quigley.” She said, panic evident in her voice. “It’s too short, I can’t tie it up.”

“Hey, hey, Violet.” Quigley said. “It’ll be alright.”

“No, no.” Violet cried, desperately tugging on the ribbon, stretching it as much as possible. “We gotta help them.”

Quigley reached out a hand, placing it on Violet’s arm as she let out a scream, balling up her ribbon in her fist and throwing it as far as she could across the room. She grabbed the short ends of her hair, pulling her head down to rest on her knees and beginning to cry.

Quigley leant over, wrapping his arms around Violet and pulling her sideways. “It’s alright, it’s okay.”

Violet’s whole body shook as she sobbed. “No, it’s not, I’m supposed to look after them. Mum and Dad said I had to. I’m the oldest! And now Klaus is under the sea somewhere and Olaf’s got Sunny.”

“We’ll get them back.” Quigley said, reassuringly.

Violet slowly nodded, putting her head up and wiping her eyes. “I’m sorry, I just…”

“It’s okay.” Quigley said. “It’s okay.”

“I’ve just always tied up my hair, when I need to think, and it’s just, I can’t anymore.” Violet stammered.

Quigley let go of Violet, crawling across the cold floor and picking up Violet’s ribbon.

“Here, let me try, turn around.” Quigley said, kneeling behind Violet and running his hands through her hair.

“Sorry.” Violet said. “It’s probably disgusting.”

“Well, I mean, I haven’t washed mine since I stayed at Monty’s house.” Quigley shrugged.

“I haven’t showered since that crow village.” Violet said. “Oh, god, that’s really gross.”

Quigley smiled, pulling Violet’s hair back.

“I don’t think it will work the way it used to.” He said, and Violet began to whimper. “But, is it okay if I cut it in half?”

“Um, yeah, I guess.” Violet nodded and Quigley took the ribbon, rubbing it quickly against the grate on the floor until it tore in half.

“Look, this is going to be really childish.” He said. “But it might work.”

He spent a few minutes tugging on Violet’s hair, and tying knots in the ribbon.

“I don’t know if it’s any good.” Quigley said, dismissively.

Violet put her hands over her head, feeling the two small pigtails that Quigley had tied.

“Do you think it will help?” Quigley asked, sitting back.

Violet closed her eyes for a moment. “Yeah.” She said, a sad smile on her face. “Thank you so much.” She wrapped her arms around Quigley, her eyes watering.

Quigley shrugged. “It’s alright, I used to do Isadora’s hair when we were little.”

“You should consider a career.” Violet smiled.

“But what about cartography?” Quigley asked.

“You can run a hairdressing salon, Monday to Friday, and then make maps on the weekend.” Violet answered, her hopelessness forgotten.

Quigley laughed, slightly. “What’re we going to do?”

Violet closed her eyes, thinking for a moment.

“I know what we can do.”

As the hatch opened, Duncan grabbed Isadora and Klaus’ gloved hands. The three children looked at each other, fear in their eyes before taking a deep breath and swimming out.

The water was colder than they could have imagined, even with the diving suits on. The three children, gripping tightly to each other’s hands, let the current carry them through the still water. It was dark, but they could make out seaweeds and plants rooted to the sea floor. Isadora thought of Fiona, wondering how they were going to save her and themselves. Eventually, the current pulled them through a cave opening and into the Gorgian Grotto. The three children paddled to the surface, spotting a sandbank and splashing towards it. They all took off their helmets, gasping in the cool air.

“I hate the ocean.” Klaus said and Duncan and Isadora nodded their agreement.

“I guess we better look for that sugar bowl.” Isadora sighed, putting her helmet on the sand.

All three children began to look around the small cavern. Duncan headed over to a small table, Klaus looked at the machinery and Isadora dug around in the sand. After a while, Duncan and Klaus met back at their helmets.

“Did you find anything?” Klaus asked.

“I found a telegram.” Duncan said, unfolding the damp paper. “It’s from Fernald. It sounds like he was threatening Gregor.”

“You don’t think he was the one who burnt down Anwhistle Aquatics, do you?” Klaus asked.

“It sounds like it.” Duncan said. “Did you find anything?”

“Only this wasabi.” Klaus sighed. “I’ll give it to Sunny when we get her back.”

“Guys.” Isadora called. “I found it.”

Duncan and Klaus rushed over.

“What do we do?” Duncan asked.

“We have to take it back.” Klaus said. “It’s the only thing that will get us Sunny back.”

“But why does Esme want it so badly?” Duncan asked. “What’s in it?”

Isadora lifted the lid off the sugar bowl and her eyes widened when she saw what was inside of it.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” She cried.

“What is it?” Klaus asked.

“It’s sugar.” Isadora said. “We risked our lives for sugar. Sunny was captured for sugar. Our homes were burnt down for sugar!”

“What?” Duncan asked, grabbing the bowl and peering into it. “No way.”

Klaus groaned, turning away from the two triplets. “Guys.”

Isadora and Duncan ignored him, still discussing the sugar bowl.

“Guys.” Klaus repeated, with a tone of urgency. “Look.”

The two triplets looked to where Klaus was pointing, seeing the green fungus spreading across the grotto walls.

“The Medsuoid Mycelium.” Isadora said.

“Shit.” Duncan shouted, grabbing Isadora and Klaus’ hands and pulling them towards their helmets.

“Go, go, go.” Duncan cried, pulling his helmet on and jumping into the water.

Klaus shoved his helmet over his head before picking up Isadora’s and helping her jam it on. He stepped into the water, joining Duncan. Isadora, still concealing the sugar bowl in her diving suit, was last in the water and as soon she dived in, Klaus grabbed her and Duncan’s hands and pulled them back towards the cavern opening.

“You’re going to have to trust me, okay?” Violet said.

Quigley nodded.

“Our siblings had to get in some way, right?” Violet said and Quigley nodded again.

“So, they must have had a submarine as well. Olaf must have pulled it in and captured them.” Violet explained. “So, if we can get to that submarine, then we can escape.”

“But we can’t leave without them.” Quigley said.

“Of course not.” Violet said. “But, when they come back, sugar bowl or not, we can rescue Sunny and get out.”

“But, where’s Sunny?” Quigley asked.

“That’s what we need to work out.” Violet said. “If I can get us out of here and we do a recon mission, do you reckon you could map us a way out?”

“Wait, get out and look around?” Quigley asked. “What if Olaf or Esme find us?”

“They won’t.” Violet said, determinedly.

“You don’t know that.” Quigley cried. “We’ll get caught again and then he’ll, Violet he’ll kill our siblings.”

“No, no, he won’t.” Violet said, grabbing Quigley’s arm. “We won’t be found.”

“Yes, we will, we can’t do this.” Quigley said. “We’re teenagers, for god's sake.”

“No. You look at me.” Violet said, lifting Quigley’s chin. “You’re Quigley Quagmire, you survived a fire, walked god knows how far in some random tunnels, lived at some creepy old house, climbed a mountain and you put up with Carmelita Spats without throwing her off the Mount Fraught!”

Quigley laughed, slightly, before nodding. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

Violet smiled. “How strong do you reckon you are?”

Quigley grimaced. “Not very.”

Violet grinned, punching Quigley’s shoulder, lightly. “Liar! Come on, help me pull this chain off the wall.”

The two children both stood up, a new feeling of hope in their stride, and approached the back wall.

“Esme!” Olaf called. “The orphans are back.”

Esme shrieked, happily. “I can’t wait to get my sugar bowl!”

The water began to drain from the room and the three children stumbled, uneasily, beginning to remove their diving suits.

“Hey guys.” Duncan said. “I think my helmet’s stuck.”

“Hang on, Duncan. I'll help you.” Isadora said, pulling her helmet off. “What’re we going to do?”

“I don't know.” Klaus said, stepping out of the heavy boots.

“You’ve got it right, Isadora?” Duncan asked, turning towards his sister.

Isadora gasped. “Oh no, no, no.”

Klaus turned towards Duncan. “Medusiod Mycelium!” He gasped.

“Take it off!” Isadora yelled, rushing forwards and grabbing the helmet.

“No, no, don’t!” Klaus shouted. “We’ll all be infected.”

“I can’t just leave him in there!” Isadora yelled.

“He’s already infected.” Klaus said. “We have to find a cure.”

Duncan began to cough and his face turned noticeably green.

“Fiona!” Isadora exclaimed. “We need to get to Fiona.”

The door opened and Olaf strode into the room, Esme, still in her octopus dress, close behind him.

“Where is it?” She demanded, holding out her hand.

“Look, I’ll give it to you, but you have to help Duncan!” Isadora pleaded.

“You found it!” Esme shrieked.

“You can have it, just let us get back to the Queequeg.” Klaus said.

“Why would we do that?” Olaf asked. “You’re my prisoners.”

“Actually, darling, it’s my submarine so they’re technically my prisoners.” Esme corrected.

“It’s a rental!” Olaf shouted. “Just because you have a captains hat doesn’t mean you’re in charge here!”

“Just because the nice couple in the mountains liked me best doesn't mean you have to be so controlling.” Esme sighed.

Olaf opened his mouth to retort but was interrupted by Isadora.

“We don’t have time for this!” She yelled. “Duncan’s going to die.”

“Oh, good.” Olaf said. “I’ll have one less of you orphans to dispose of.”

Klaus and Isadora looked at their captors, silently pleading.

“Give me my sugar bowl!” Esme commanded.

Isadora gingerly picked up the bowl, her hand shaking, and put it into Esme’ s outstretched hand.

Esme shrieked with joy, hugging the bowl to her chest. “It’s finally mine!”

“Please.” Klaus begged. “You have to help us.”

“No, I don’t.” Olaf said, grabbing Isadora’s arm. “We're going to the brig.”

Esme grabbed Klaus with one hand, the other still gripping the sugar bowl as Olaf grabbed a still coughing Duncan.

The three children were dragged through the many hallways of the dark submarine before they finally arrived at a small room. Olaf threw the children in before slamming the door and locking it.

Klaus and Isadora immediately jumped to their feet, running to Duncan’s side.

“Duncan, how are you?” Isadora asked.

Duncan tried to speak, his words garbling and slurring.

“Don't speak.” Klaus said. “Save your breath.”

“How are we going to get out of here?” Isadora asked.

“We’ll think of something.” Klaus said, desperately searching the room. “I wish Violet was here.”

“3, 2, 1, pull!” Violet said and she and Quigley yanked on the heavy chain. “And again.”

The two children had been yanking on the chain for a while and so far it had only moved a tiny amount. Violet let go of the chain and went up to the wall, inspecting the joining point.

“Have you got anything in your pockets?” She asked, emptying out her own.

Quigley knelt down, digging through his pockets. “I’ve got the spyglass, my commonplace book, a pencil, a badge and my mother's necklace.” Quigley said, placing the items on the floor.

Violet sat down, next to him, pulling things out of her coat pocket. “I’ve got a butter knife, a few dominoes, wires from Hector’s garage and that’s it.” Violet said.

“Oh!” Quigley exclaimed. “We’ve also got those forks, still on our shoes.”

Violet closed her eyes, trying to invent her way out of the cell.

“Oh my god.” Violet said, opening her eyes.

“Have you got it?” Quigley asked.

“No, but. Look, Quigley, I think it’s your birthday.” Violet said, slowly.

“Oh.” Quigley said.

“Yeah.” Violet said, nervously fiddling with her hair.

“I’ve never spent a birthday without Duncan or Isadora before.” Quigley said, sadly.

“Oh, Quigley.” Violet said, laying a hand on his leg. “The day’s not over yet. It’s still your birthday, and we can still rescue your siblings and the hell out of here.”

“But…” Quigley began.

“Shush.” Violet said, putting her finger over his lips. “No. You’re not giving up. You’re going to pick up this chain and help me pull it off the wall.”

“Okay.” Quigley said. “What could we do with the forks?”

Violet shut her eyes, focusing. Quigley reached down, pulling the fork out of his shoe,

Violet opened her eyes, quickly. “Of course!”

Violet pulled the fork out of her shoe, standing back up again.

“What’re we doing?” Quigley asked, fork in hand.

“Pass me the fork.” Violet said, and Quigley handed it over. “Now keep pulling on the chain.”

Quigley nodded, picking up the chain and trying to pull it from the wall. Violet, using the forks, began to unscrew to screws holding it to the wall. As the screws loosened, the chain began to creak and groan, pulling away from the wall. It fell to the ground, with a bang.

“Yes!” Quigley cheered.

“Okay, grab that end.” Violet said, gesturing to the opposite end of the chain. “When Olaf comes back, we’re going to hit him with this and run.”

Quigley looked shocked. “We’re going to attack him?”

“Yes.” Violet said. “We won’t cause much damage, hopefully just enough for us to escape and find a place to hide.”

“Okay then.” Quigley said, unsurely.

“We just need to get him here.” Violet explained. “We need to make lots of noise.”

Quigley nodded and started stomping his feet on the metal flooring as Violet clapped her hands. The two children began to shout, singing at the top of their lungs.

“Happy birthday to you!”

The two children continued clapping their hands and jumping up and down.

“Happy birthday to you!”

Violet pulled the ribbons out of her hair, putting them back into her pocket.

“Happy birthday dear triplets!”

Quigley picked his commonplace book up, sliding in back into his pocket.

“Happy birthday to you!”

The two children picked up the heavy end of the chain as they heard footsteps.

“Ready?” Violet whispered.

“If we wait until we’re ready we’ll be waiting the rest of our lives.” Quigley whispered back.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty

Violet and Quigley get vaccinated

The door creaked open, hitting against the wall.

“Shut up, orphans.” Olaf drawled, appearing in the doorway.

Violet and Quigley stepped forward, swinging the chain. The chain swung forwards, colliding into Olaf’s head with a thud. Olaf cried out, staggering backwards, hands on his forehead. Violet dropped the chain, grabbing Quigley’s wrist and pushing past Olaf, out into the corridor. The two children sprinted forwards, searching for a place to hide.

“Get back here!” Olaf screamed after them. “I’ll find you, then you’ll be sorry! I’ll kill your siblings, and as soon as I’m rich, I’ll kill you.”

Violet and Quigley didn’t even turn around, instead continuing racing down the hall and turning the corner, desperately searching.

“Here.” Quigley said, pulling Violet behind a stack of petrol drums.

The two children pressed themselves behind the drums, holding their breath as Olaf’s heavy footsteps stumbled past. Violet and Quigley sat behind the petrol drums until they could no longer hear Olaf’s staggering footsteps. They let out a sigh of relief.

“What do we do now? Quigley whispered.

“We find our siblings.” Violet said. “Have you got your notebook?”

Quigley nodded.

“Can you map where we go? So we don’t get lost later?” Violet asked.

“Yeah, okay.” Quigley said, pulling out his commonplace book and a stubby pencil.

Violet stuck her head out from behind the stack.

“Clear.” She said, before ducking out and carefully making her way down the corridor.

Quigley stood up and followed Violet down the hall. The two children walked in silence, Quigley scratching lines into his commonplace book as Violet kept a lookout.

“Wait.” Violet said, putting out an arm and pushing Quigley back against the wall.

“What is it?” Quigley whispered, peering around Violet, before being shoved back.

“The hook handed man!” Violet said.

“What is he…” Quigley began before being cut off as Violet slammed her hand over his mouth.

The two children stood, backs against the wall, barely daring to breathe as the hook handed man made their way towards them. The footsteps came closer and closer, getting louder and louder before they abruptly stopped.

“Hooky!” Olaf yelled. “The orphans escaped.”

“Oh, is there anything you want me to do, boss?” The Hook Handed Man asked.

“Go to the brig, their siblings are in there.” Olaf ordered. “They’ll probably try to break them out. Don’t get too close, though, the boy was coughing a lot. I don’t want to get sick.”

Violet and Quigley both froze, looking at each other in fear.

“But first.” Olaf said. “Go make me a sandwich while I tell Esme.”

“Okay, boss.” The Hook Handed Man replied and the children heard the footsteps fading down the corridor.

Violet took her hand away from Quigley’s mouth and the two children breathed a small sigh of relief.

“What’s he talking about?” Violet asked.

“With the coughing?” Quigley asked. “Duncan or Klaus?”

“Oh, god.” Violet said. “We have got to get there. Where do you reckon we’d find the brig?”

“Well, I mean, I don’t know for sure, but if we go down, here?” Quigley guessed, pointing down one of the dark corridors.

Violet nodded and began to walk down the hall, Quigley close behind her.

“What’re we going to do? What’re we going to do?” Isadora chanted, pacing the small room. “What’re we going to do? What’re we going to do?”

“Isadora, calm down.” Klaus said, sitting beside Duncan.

“I can’t, Klaus.” Isadora snapped, turning on Klaus. “We have an hour. One hour, Klaus.”

“Pacing the room isn’t going to help.” Klaus said.

Isadora sighed, sitting down next to Klaus, burying her head in her hands. “What can we do?”

The door burst open and the Hook Handed Man stepped into the room.

“Hello, orphans.” The Hook Handed Man said, threateningly.

Isadora and Klaus backed away, pulling Duncan with them.

“The boss sent me here to threaten you.”

“Please.” Isadora said. “My brother’s going to die if you don’t help us.”

The Hook Handed Man’s threatening pose faltered and his face softened slightly.

“He’s infected with the Medusiod Mycelium.” Klaus explained. “We have less than an hour to cure him.”

Duncan began to cough, violently.

“I know of it.” The Hook Handed Man said.

“Please, just help us.” Isadora begged.

“If you have any shred of nobility left, please, help us.” Klaus said.

The Hook Handed Man stood silently, obviously thinking it over.

“Okay.” He said, eventually. “Let’s go.”

Isadora and Klaus looked at each other, in shock.

“You mean, you’ll help us?” Isadora asked.

The Hook Handed Man nodded, gruffly, standing up and opening the door. Klaus and Isadora stood up, still in shock, helping Duncan to his feet.

“Can we trust him?” Klaus whispered, to Isadora.

“We don’t have any other choice.” Isadora grunted, putting Duncan’s arm over her shoulder. “Can you grab his other arm?”

Klaus nodded, ducking under Duncan’s other arm. Isadora and Klaus, supporting Duncan, made their way out of the cell. The Hook Handed Man quietly shut the door, before beckoning the children out. They followed him, quietly, down the eerie corridors of the submarine.

“Why are you helping us?” Klaus asked.

“I’m not as bad as you think.” The Hook Handed Man replied.

Isadora and Klaus shared a look.

“But you tried to kill us, multiple times.” Isadora said.

“I didn’t want to do it.” The Hook Handed Man replied.

“Why do you, then?” Klaus asked.

“You‘ll understand when you’re older.” The Hook Handed Man said, gruffly.

“No, actually. I don’t think we will.” Isadora snapped. “We have been through so much shit, and if we won’t understand now, then we won’t ever.”

The Hook Handed Man sighed.

“What’s so important about the sugar bowl?” Klaus asked.

“I can’t tell you.” The Hook Handed Man said.

“Well, then.” Isadora began. “We can’t tell you our information.”

Isadora looked significantly at Klaus, who quickly caught on.

“How about we do a trade.” Klaus said. “We’ll tell you something and then you tell us something.”

“I'm already risking my life to save your brother!” The Hook Handed Man cried.

Isadora raised her arm, and proceeded to fake cough into her elbow. “Fiona.” She coughed.

The Hook Handed Man stopped in his tracks. “Okay then.”

Isadora and Klaus high-fived, discreetly.

“Violet and Quigley escaped.” The Hook Handed Man said.

Isadora and Klaus froze.

“What?” Isadora said.

“I gave you information, now you give me some.” The Hook Handed Man said.

“Fiona is alive.” Klaus said.

“Where is she? How do you know? What about my stepfather?” The Hook Handed Man asked.

Klaus shrugged.

The Hook Handed Man grumbled to himself.

“They got out of the cell, Olaf’s really mad, I’m supposed to be guarding you so they don’t come and rescue you.” He said.

“Your stepfather is missing.” Isadora said.

The Hook Handed Man nodded. “I don’t know what’s important about the sugar bowl.”

Isadora groaned. “Fiona is on the Queequeg.”

The Hook Handed Man’s face lit up. “Is she okay?”

Isadora nodded. “Can we please hurry? She’ll know what to do. She’ll know how to save my brother.”

The Hook Handed Man nodded and picked up the pace.

“This way?” Violet asked, pointing down yet another corridor.

“I think so.” Quigley answered.

Violet nodded and the two turned left and after a while were facing another fork.

“Oh, god.” Violet said. “This thing is endless.”

Quigley groaned. “I don’t know. You pick.”

“You trust me?” Violet asked.

“I’m too tired to care.” Quigley said.

“Okay, let’s go right.” Violet said. “Come on, Quigley, I’m tired too but we have to find them.”

Quigley nodded, miserably. Violet grabbed his hand, tugging him forwards. Quigley looked up, smiling at Violet.

Violet squeezed his hand. “Come on, lover boy.”

Quigley smiled. “What, is this a date?”

“Sure. I mean, it’s sooo romantic.” Violet said, sarcastically.

“Quiet, dark hallways.” Quigley said, suggestively wiggling his eyebrows.

Violet punched his shoulder, gently, giggling. “I think I’ll have to take a raincheck on that.”

Quigley laughed. “Let’s go get them, yeah?”

Violet smiled back. “Yeah.”

The two continued down the hallway. Eventually they came to a door.

“In here?” Violet asked, pulling her hand away from Quigley’s to peer through the small porthole.

“Can you see anything?” Quigley asked, moving in behind her.

“It’s an empty study.” Violet said, pushing open the door.

The door swung open, with a creak, revealing a small room with a desk. The two children moved inside, slowly and cautiously.

“Hey, books. I missed you.” Quigley said, moving towards the desk. “Ooh, and maps.”

Violet stopped in the middle of the room. “Did you hear something?”

Quigley stopped rummaging through the papers on the desk. “No.”

Violet shrugged, walking over to the small bookshelf.

“Oh, shit.” Quigley said.

“What is it?” Violet asked, hurrying over the desk.

Quigley reached into the drawer, pulling out a sugar bowl.

“It’s not… it couldn’t be…” Violet stammered.

“I think it is.” Quigley said. “It looks just like the picture.”

“Oh, shit.” Violet agreed. “What’s in it?”

Quigley lifted the lid off the small ceramic bowl, revealing cubes of sugar.

“Sugar?” Violet asked.

“What the hell?” Quigley asked. “Why did an entire secret organisation split up over a bowl of sugar?”

“This whole organisation is crazy. It’s probably a cult.” Violet said, sitting on the desk.

“How so?” Quigley asked.

“I mean, they have all these weird codes, secret headquarters, some deal with all this fire shit and they split up over a literal bowl full of sugar.” Violet said.

Quigley nodded. “Honestly, that makes a lot of sense. I mean, Jacques Snicket was weird.”

Violet nodded, thoughtfully before leaning back over the desk. “Anything else here?”

“There’s like ten copies of Anna Karenina.” Quigley said.

“Totally a cult thing.” Violet said. “Wait, Quigley, look. The Last Safe Place.”

“We gotta go there, still, right?” Quigley asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” Violet said. “Keep that, it might be useful.”

Quigley nodded, pocketing the map.

“I’ll keep this stupid sugar bowl.” Violet said, picking it up.

“Actually, Violet.” Quigley said, taking the bowl from her hands. “I’m really hungry.” He lifted the lid and popped a sugar cube into his mouth.

“Quigley!” Violet cried, grabbing the bowl. “It could be poisoned!”

“Nah, it just tastes off.” Quigley shrugged. “Eat it, you’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” Violet said. “But only because I’ve been trapped in a submarine for ages, and I’m starving.” Violet grabbed a sugar cube, putting it in her mouth. “Oh, it’s so sour.”

“I know, right?” Quigley said.

“Why is it sour? Isn’t it sugar?” Violet asked. “Stupid cults and their stupid sugar.”

Quigley laughed, as Violet put the sugar bowl back in her pocket.

“Wait.” He said. “I actually did hear something.”

Violet froze. “Is someone coming?”

“No, it sounded more like an animal.” Quigley said.

The two children sat, silently, listening.

“There it is again.” Quigley said.

“It’s not an animal.” Violet said.

“It sounds like a baby crying.” Quigley realised.

“Sunny!” Violet cried.

The crying continued, from somewhere in the middle of the room.

Violet and Quigley rushed forwards.

“Where is she?” Quigley asked.

Violet dropped to her knees, pressing her ear against the floor. “She’s below us.”

The two children hurriedly rolled back the carpet, revealing a trap door with the VFD eye on it.

“It’s still pretty cool, for a cult.” Quigley said, as Violet heaved the trapdoor open.

“Sunny!” Violet exclaimed, climbing down the ladder. “Sunny, I’m coming.”

“Oh, god.” Quigley said, staring at the ladder before climbing down after Violet.

Inside the tunnel, it was so dark that Quigley couldn’t even see his hand in front of his face.

“Violet?” He called. “Violet?”

“Quigley?” Came a response. “Where are you? Oh, fuck, it’s dark.”

Quigley put his arms out in front of him. “I’m here.” His foot hit against something and he stumbled, trying to catch his balance. “Shit, who builds tunnels like this?”

Quigley felt something bump against him and he screamed.

“Isadora was right.” Violet said, grabbing Quigley’s arm. “You do scream like a little girl.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but it’s dark as hell and we’re in a top secret, underground tunnel system that happens to be on a submarine belonging to a psychopathic Count who is trying to torture us so he can steal our fortunes. Oh, and on top of all of this, our siblings have been kidnapped, we probably almost joined a cult and I haven’t eaten anything except a cube of sugar for god knows how long.” Quigley cried.

“And next week on ‘Quigley Monologues about his Sucky Life.’” Violet teased. “‘We explore the long running childhood trauma that allows us to joke about such things.’”

Quigley laughed, slightly.

“Exhibit A.” Violet said. “Okay, where the hell are we?”

“Long answer or short answer?” Quigley asked.

“Short.” Violet said.

“Tunnels.” Quigley replied.

“What’s the long answer?” Violet asked.

“Cult tunnels.” Quigley replied, matter-of-factly.

“Great.” Violet said. “Why would there be tunnels on a submarine?”

“Who would know?” Quigley said.

The two continued forwards, gripping each other’s hands, tightly.

“Sunny!” Violet called. “Sunny?”

The crying started up again, this time mixed with unintelligible words.

“It is Sunny.” Violet said, pulling on Quigley’s hand. “Come on.”

“Sunny?” Violet called. “It’s me, Violet. Quigley’s here too.”

“Hey, Violet, is that light?” Quigley asked, pointing to a thin stream of light shining through a crack.

“Yeah, I think it is.” Violet said, pulling Quigley towards it. “We must be near the surface.”

“Is that a door?” Quigley asked.

“Where?” Violet said. “I can’t see a thing.”

“This way.” Quigley said, pulling Violet with him.

They stumbled, blindly, through the darkness to a heavy looking door. Quigley grabbed the handle, twisting it and pushing the door open. The room was small and bare with bright electric lighting.

“Oh, god.” Quigley said, squinting.

“It is, it’s Sunny!” Violet shouted, throwing herself forwards.

Sunny was sitting, in a small birdcage, suspended in the middle of the room. Tape was stuck over her mouth and her arms were tied behind her back.

“Sunny!” Violet cried, tears welling in her eyes. “Oh, Sunny, are you alright?”

Sunny mumbled something, unable to speak properly with the tape over her mouth.

“Hang on, we’ll get you down.” Violet said, pulling out the two pieces of her ribbon.

She quickly parted her hair, tying one half up before the other. Looking around, she quickly realised that the room was empty, except for the cage.

“What is his obsession with birdcages?” Violet muttered. “This is, like, the third time, for god's sake.”

Quigley stepped up to the birdcage. “It’s too high up, we won’t be able to reach it.”

“Unless…” Violet said.

“Unless what?” Quigley asked.

“How are you with lockpicking?” Violet asked.

“There’s a reason all of Duncan’s things were password protected.” Quigley smirked.

“Great.” Violet said, pulling the ribbons out of her hair. “Do you still have that fork?”

“Yep.” Quigley said, pulling it out of his pocket.

“Can you use it to pick the lock?” Violet asked.

“Probably.” Quigley said. “But how am I going to… oh, right. You better not drop me, Baudelaire.”

“We’ll see.” Violet said, kneeling down in front of Quigley.

“Oh my god!” Quigley gasped, throwing his hands over his face in mock surprise. “Yes! Yes! Of course I’ll marry you!”

“Just get on my shoulders.” Violet sighed.

Quigley, still grinning from ear to ear climbed onto Violet’s shoulders. Violet slowly stood up and Quigley grabbed onto the cage, fiddling with the lock.

“I thought you said you were good at this?” Violet said.

“I’m sorry my lockpicking skills aren’t up to your standards.” Quigley said. “I just need a few more minutes.”

“Hurry.” Violet said. “You’re heavier than you look.”

“Was that a compliment? I can’t tell.” Quigley said.

“Most likely not.” Violet said, shifting her position.

The lock clicked and Quigley flicked it open.

“I got it!” He called, opening the door. “Can you move a bit closer? I can’t reach Sunny.”

Violet grunted her affirmation, taking a small step forward. Quigley leaned forward, reaching forwards as far as he could.

“I still can’t reach it.” Quigley said. “I’m going to stand up.”

“If you’re sure.” Violet said.

Quigley slowly stood up, carefully putting his heavy snow boots on Violet’s shoulders.

“Sorry.” He said.

“‘S’okay.” Violet said, grimacing. “Just get Sunny.”

Quigley, holding the cage for balance with one hand, reached out with the other, gently grabbing Sunny’s arm and pulling her forwards.

Violet’s knees buckled and she let out a cry as she lost her balance, falling to her knees. Quigley, still holding the cage with one hand and Sunny with the other was left hanging. In his shock, he dropped Sunny. Violet slid across the concrete floor, deftly catching Sunny and holding her to her chest. She sat back up, just in time to see the chain supporting the cage give out under Quigley’s weight. Quigley, the cage and a big chunk of the ceiling fell to the ground.

Violet, still clutching Sunny protectively to her chest, leapt to her feet, rushing over to the pile of debris.

“Quigley? Quigley, are you alright?” Violet cried, lifting a piece of drywall.

Quigley groaned. “So, my bruises still hurt.”

“I’m sorry.” Violet said, offering him her hand.

Quigley shrugged. “We still got Sunny. What’s a few extra bruises?”

Violet laughed, gently peeling the tape off Sunny’s mouth. “Are you alright, Sunny?”

“Yes.” Sunny said, wrapping her small hands around Violet’s wrist. “You found me!”

Violet smiled. “We missed you, Sunshine.”

Sunny clapped her hands. “Me too.”

“I’m not letting him near you, ever again.” Violet said, lifting Sunny to her hip.

“We’d better go save the others.” Quigley said.

“Back the way we came?” Violet asked.

“I guess so.” Quigley said.

“You don’t mind the dark, do you?” Violet asked Sunny.

Sunny shrugged, burying her face in Violet’s jacket.

Violet held out her hand and Quigley grabbed it. Both older children took a deep breath before swinging open the door and stepping back into the darkness.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty One

Fiona turns Volatile

“Stop.” The Hook Handed Man lifted his arm, holding the children back.

“What is it?” Isadora demanded, only to be shushed by the Hook Handed Man.

“Boss!” He cried, veering around the corner. “There you are!”

Isadora and Klaus froze, backing up against the wall dragging Duncan with them.

“What are you doing here?” Olaf snapped. “I told you to guard the orphans. I haven’t found their bratty siblings yet, they’re probably looking for them.”

“I was just… going to sharpen my hooks!” The Hook Handed Man said. “So I can poke their orphany skin.”

“Good idea.” Olaf said. “Next time, just hit them, though, it’s apparently very painful. If you do it enough, they’ll pass out.”

Isadora clenched her fists.

“Okay, boss.” The Hook Handed Man said. “Can I help you?”

“How do I find the rowing room? I’m planning to force the Snow Scouts to search for them.” Olaf said.

“I can take you there.” The Hook Handed Man said. “Just let me make sure I double locked the orphans in.”

“Okay. I’ll wait here, but hurry up.” Olaf snapped.

The Hook Handed Man hurried around the corner, grabbing Klaus and pulling him further up the corridor. “It’s two rights, one left and then right again.”

“Right, right, left, right.” Klaus repeated. “Thank you, really.”

“Tell Fiona I said hi.” He smiled, sadly. “And, tell her I’m sorry.”

Klaus nodded and The Hook Handed Man turned around, heading back down the corridor to Olaf.

“Okay, it’s this way, boss.” He said, leading Count Olaf away from the children.

Klaus made his way back to Isadora, ducking under Duncan’s arm and beginning to walk again.

“What did he say?” Isadora panted, finding it harder and harder to drag Duncan along.

“It’s two rights, a left and another right.” Klaus said. “He also said to say hi to Fiona. And that he’s sorry.”

Isadora’s face twisted. “Do we feel sorry for him, or not?”

“I don’t know.” Klaus sighed.

Duncan began to cough.

“Hang on, Duncan, we’re almost there.” Isadora said.

Isadora and Klaus continued through the seemingly never ending submarine, dragging Duncan between them.

“This should be the last right.” Klaus said. “Then we should be there.”

Isadora nodded.

They turned the last corner, finding a big room, rather like a garage, with the Queequeg parked right in the middle.

“There, the hatch.” Isadora said, rushing up to the camera leaving Klaus to support Duncan.

“Fiona!” She called. “Fiona, it’s us.”

The door swung open and Isadora climbed down the ladder as Klaus helped Duncan through the hatch, quickly climbing in behind him.

“Fiona!” Isadora raced ahead. “Fiona! We need help.”

Fiona appeared in the doorway.

“What’s going on?” She asked.

“Duncan’s infected with the Medusiod Mycelium, you’ve got to help us.” Isadora pleaded.

“Fuck.” Fiona cursed. “Okay, meet me in the kitchen, I’ll get the book.”

Isadora nodded, grabbing Duncan’s other arm and dragging him towards the kitchen.

“How long has it been?” Fiona asked, slamming the book on the kitchen counter.

“I don’t know, maybe 50 minutes?” Klaus guessed.

Fiona nodded, sombrely. “It says here that we need ‘root of horse’.”

“Horse’s don’t have roots!” Isadora cried, frustrated.

“But plants do.” Fiona said.

“Horseradish!” Klaus exclaimed. “Look for horseradish.”

The three children raced to the cupboards, wrenching open the cabinet doors and rummaging through the food.

“There’s only gum!” Isadora cried, throwing boxes to the floor.

“There’s nothing.” Klaus said, going through the spice cabinet.

“Check the fridge!” Fiona cried.

Isadora sprinted over, pulling open the door.

Klaus and Fiona crowded in behind her. “Anything?” Klaus said, desperately.

“No!” Isadora cried. “There’s only…a birthday cake.”

“Oh.” Fiona said.

“It’s our birthday.” Isadora said, dejectedly.

“Isadora, I’m sorry I didn’t remember.” Klaus said.

“No one did, except Sunny.” Isadora said. “But that’s not the point.”

She raced over to her brother, still in his diving suit.

“I can’t lose him.” Her voice cracked and her eyes watered.

The door suddenly flew open, and standing in the doorway was Violet, Quigley and Sunny.

“Klaus?” Sunny babbled, reaching her arms forward.

“Are you okay?” Quigley said, rushing forwards. “Olaf said one of you was sick.”

“Quigley?” Isadora put her head up, her face streaked with tears.

“Violet? Sunny? What happened?” Klaus asked.

“It’s not important, are you okay? Who’s that?” Violet asked, pointing to Fiona.

“Fiona.” Klaus said. “But that’s not important. Duncan’s going to die if we don’t find horseradish.”

“What?” Quigley cried, rushing over to his brother's side.

“We can’t find any!” Isadora cried. “There’s none here!”

“Sunny!” Violet said. “You cook, where can we find horseradish?”

Sunny paused for a moment, thinking. “Substitute.”

“With what?” Violet asked.

“Wasabi?” Sunny asked.

Fiona and Violet raced to the cabinets, yanking open the doors and rummaging through the contents.

“Wait!” Klaus cried, reaching into his pocket. “I’ve got some.”

Isadora grabbed a spoon from the drawer as Klaus unscrewed the lid. Isadora spooned a heap of the green sauce out.

“Everyone hold your breath!” Fiona warned, pulling her sailors uniform over her mouth. The other children followed suit, Violet covering Sunny’s mouth with her hand.

Quigley lifted the heavy diving helmet from Duncan’s shoulders, placing it on a plate and Isadora shoved the wasabi into his mouth. The results were instant. Duncan’s face cleared up and the children could see the mushrooms shrinking back inside his throat. Isadora and Quigley wrapped their brother in a hug. Duncan coughed and his eyes watered as the spicy condiment burnt his throat.

“Water?” He rasped and Klaus grabbed a glass, filling it up and handing it to him.

“Thanks.” He coughed, gulping the water down.

“I thought we’d lose you.” Isadora whispered.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Duncan smiled, weakly. “Wait, where did Quigley come from?”

“We escaped.” Violet said.

“Oh, Violet’s here too.” Duncan said.

“And Sunny!” Sunny babbled. “Hi!”

“And then we rescued Sunny.” Quigley added.

“No, first we found the sugar bowl.” Violet corrected.

“You found the sugar bowl?” Fiona exclaimed.

“Yeah.” Quigley said. “Who are you?”

“I’m Fiona.” Fiona said. “Do you have it?”

“Yeah.” Violet said, putting Sunny on the kitchen counter and reaching into her pocket.

“Don’t get it out!” Duncan warned.

Violet stopped what she was doing and turned to face Duncan. “Why not?”

“Her brother is the Hook Handed Man!” Duncan cried.

Violet and Quigley looked at Fiona in shock. Sunny smiled at her, reaching her small hands towards her.

“Duncan.” Klaus began. “He saved you.”

“What?” Duncan asked.

“You’d probably be dead if it wasn’t for him.” Isadora said.

“He let us out of the cell, told us how to get here.” Klaus said.

“Oh.” Duncan said.

“He said to tell you hi.” Klaus said, turning to Fiona. “And that he’s sorry.”

Fiona smiled, sadly. “Is he still here?”

“He’s back on Olaf’s ship.” Isadora said.

“I have to see him.” Fiona said.

“We can’t.” Violet said. “We have to go now. It’s got to be at least Monday by now, and we still don’t know where the Last Safe Place is.”

“He’s my brother.” Fiona cried. “Would you leave Klaus behind?”

“No.” Violet cursed.

“So we find him?” Isadora asked.

Fiona nodded.

“What about the snow scouts?” Quigley asked. “We can’t just leave them.”

Violet swore again.

“So we split up?” Klaus asked. “Some of us go and get The Hook Handed Man…”

“Fernald.” Fiona interrupted.

“Right, Fernald.” Klaus continued. “And some save the Snow Scouts?”

“What about Phil?” Isadora asked. “What happened to him?”

“Who is Phil?” Quigley asked.

“Phil worked on the boat. From the lumber mill, Violet.” Klaus explained.

“Optimist Phil?” Violet asked and Klaus nodded.

“He’s probably being held captive somewhere on the boat.” Duncan said.

“Is this submarine okay to move?” Violet asked.

“It should be fine.” Fiona said.

“We don’t all need to go.” Klaus said.

“Duncan should stay here.” Isadora said.

“No, I’m fine.” Duncan said, standing up and unsuccessfully trying to keep his balance.

“Right, Duncan stays.” Klaus agreed.

“Sunny’s staying as well.” Violet said.

“I can help.” Sunny argued.

“No, you’re just a baby. You’re staying here and that’s non-negotiable.” Violet said.

“Not a baby.” Sunny grumbled to herself.

“Anyone else want to stay?” Isadora asked.

“I’ll stay.” Klaus said. “I can keep researching the Last Safe Place.”

“Oh, actually.” Violet said. “Where’s that map, Quigley?”

“Here.” Quigley said, pulling the folded piece of paper out of his pocket. “It’s of the Last Safe Place.”

Klaus took the map.

“Who's going to do what?” Quigley asked.

“Well, I’m going to find my brother.” Fiona said. “Who wants to come with me?”

“I’ll go!” Isadora said, quickly.

“That leaves us with the Snow Scouts then, Vi.” Quigley said. “Are you ready for ‘Quigley Monologues About his Sucky Life: Snow Scout special’?”

Violet rolled her eyes. She turned to Klaus and Sunny, quickly hugging them. She turned to the sink, scrubbing at the dried blood on her face.

“Stay safe. Don’t die.” Quigley said, pointing at Isadora and Fiona.

“Same to you.” Fiona said.

Quigley walked up to his brother, ruffling Duncan’s hair. “I can’t believe you did mushrooms without me.”

Duncan cracked a smile, hitting his brother. “Wasn’t that fun, don’t recommend.”

“Noted.” Quigley said, stepping up onto a stool.

“What are you doing?” Isadora asked, her arms crossed over her chest.

“Now, I know you will all miss me terribly.” Quigley declared, dramatically. “But, if I don’t return, you must promise to go on…”

Quigley was interrupted by Violet, kicking the legs of the stool. He wobbled, trying to catch his balance.

“Come on, dipshit.” She said. “Let’s go.”

Quigley rolled his eyes, jumping down. Violet grabbed his arm, marching him out of the kitchen.

“Don’t be too gay!” He called over his shoulder, earning a punch from Violet.

“What do you reckon that stands for?” Klaus asked, pointing to a spot on the map.

“No idea.” Duncan said. “Water, maybe?”

“Maybe it’s a pond.” Klaus guessed.

Duncan and Klaus were alone in the library. The others had all left to complete their respective missions and Sunny was making a snack in the kitchen.

“What do you think the Last Safe Place even is?” Duncan asked.

“It looks like, maybe an apartment building?” Klaus said. “Something tall.”

“There’s a lot of tall things, Klaus.” Duncan teased, his head on the desk.

“Oh, well maybe it’s a …. oh, you were joking.” Klaus realised.

“Ding, ding, ding!” Duncan said.

Klaus laughed as Duncan stood up.

“What’re we going to do with this?” Duncan asked, pointing to the helmet sealed to a plate with gum.

“Maybe Fiona will want it?” Klaus asked.

“Isadora’s got a thing for her right?” Duncan asked.

“I mean, I don’t know, maybe?” Klaus answered.

“And I’m fairly certain there’s something going in between Quigley and Violet.” Duncan said.

“It’s probably like a ‘shared trauma’ thing.” Klaus said. “You know, they were both kidnapped.”

“I was kidnapped!” Duncan said.

“Well, you weren’t going to start dating your sister, were you?” Klaus said.

“Oh, right.” Duncan said. “But if we’re talking about shared trauma then we should probably all just start dating.”

Klaus looked at Duncan. “What?”

“You know, because we’ve been through so much.” Duncan explained.

“There was probably a better way to put that than, ‘let’s all date.’” Klaus said.

Duncan laughed. “Good point.”

They both fell silent.

“I mean, we don’t have to all date.” Duncan said.

“Huh?” Klaus said looking up.

“Just some of us?” Duncan suggested, poking Klaus’ arm.

“Like, you mean, you and me, or, no, maybe?” Klaus squeaked, blushing furiously.

“Maybe.” Duncan said.

“Maybe?” Klaus repeated.

Duncan opened his mouth, as if to respond but instead stood up, leaning across the table and kissing Klaus. He sat back, biting his lip, watching Klaus’ face carefully.

“Maybe?” Duncan asked again.

Klaus smiled. “Okay.”

Duncan’s eyes lit up and he smiled. “So, a pond?”

Klaus nodded. “Maybe.”

Duncan laughed. “Maybe.”

“Where would we find the ‘rowing room’?” Quigley asked. “It’s kind of a stupid name.”

“Olaf’s kind of a stupid guy.” Violet said.

“I hope Olaf didn’t treat them the way he treated us.” Quigley said.

“As long as they didn’t argue with him, they’d be fine.” Violet said.

“So that’s where we went wrong.” Quigley said.

“Not wrong.” Violet said. “We’re the strong ones, he can’t break us!”

“You sound like you should be a motivational speaker.” Quigley said, bumping Violet’s shoulder.

“Ooh, good idea.” Violet gasped, clasping her hands.

Quigley rolled his eyes.

“You can talk!” Violet smirked. “Who was the one giving a speech back in the kitchen?”

“Wait, do you hear that.” Quigley asked.

“Esme.” Violet gasped.

“Yeah, but what’s she saying?” Quigley asked.

“One, two, three, one, two, three.” Violet muttered. “She's counting.”

“Counting rowers in time?” Quigley asked.

“She must be.” Violet said. “So we go towards the voice?”

“Yep.” Quigley responded. “But we’ve got to be quiet.”

Violet nodded, making a ‘zipped lips’ movement across her mouth.

They tiptoed down the dark corridor, listening to Esme shout at the Snow Scouts. Once around the corner, they saw Esme in the middle of the room, the tagliatelle grande strapped to her hip. Next to her, was Carmelita dressed in a ridiculous pink outfit, tap dancing for the poor Snow Scouts. The Snow Scouts in question looked exhausted, their uniforms and faces were grimy, and they were tiredly and sadly dragging the oars back and forth. Phil was sitting amongst them, a big smile on his face.

“Clap, you cakesniffers!” Carmelita demanded.

“You heard my adorable adopted daughter.” Esme said. “Clap!”

The Snow Scouts all groaned.

“We’re too tired to clap.” One said.

“I have blisters.” Another spoke up.

“We’ve been rowing for hours.” A third complained.

Violet and Quigley ducked into the room, hiding behind a stack of boxes.

“What do we do?” Violet whispered.

“I don’t know.” Quigley replied.

Violet reached into her pocket, pulling out the two halves of the ribbon, placing them on her lap, she pulled her hair into two small pigtails and tied them up. She peered over the top of the box, glancing around the room.

“What if we scared them?” She asked.

“How?” Quigley asked.

“Sea monster?” Violet asked. “We can use that whistle.” She pointed to a whistle, sitting a short distance away.

“Won’t you be seen?” Quigley asked.

“Not if you distract them.” Violet said.

“How will I do that?” Quigley asked.

“Throw this.” Violet said, handing him one of the forks. “Aim for the back wall.”

“Can I have a sheet of paper, as well?” Violet asked.

“Sure.” Quigley said, pulling out his commonplace book and quietly ripping out a page. He handed it to Violet and sat up, throwing the fork as hard as he could against the far wall, before ducking back down. Esme, Carmelita and the Snow Scouts all turned around, searching for the source of the noise. Violet leapt out of the hiding place, vaulting over the boxes and landing silently on the balls of her feet. She rushed over to the whistle and pulled one of the ribbons out of her hair, wrapping the paper around the whistle and tying it in place. As soon as it was secured she raced back to the boxes, jumping behind them and ducking down.

“Where’d you learn how to do that?” Quigley whispered.

“Tell everyone it was ninja training.” Violet answered.

“What do we do now?” Quigley asked.

“Wait for it.” Violet replied

The whistle blew and Viole’s invention worked perfectly. Instead of the crisp, clear sound, the paper warped the noise, turning it into a high pitched screaming. The results were instant.

“What was that?” One of the scouts asked.

“A sea monster!” Another shouted.

“Abandon ship!” One yelled.

“No! No!” Esme shouted, trying to control the chaos. “Do not abandon ship!

“She said abandon ship!” Violet called.

The snow scouts were screaming, running in all directions as Esme and Carmelita tried to control them.

“I haven’t finished my tap routine!” Carmelita yelled. “Get back and clap, you cakesniffers!”

“We hate your dancing Carmelita!” Quigley called, enjoying himself.

Violet punched him.

“What?” He asked.

Violet rolled her eyes in response.

“You don’t want to know how many different times I heard her tell stories about herself.” Quigley said.

“Oh, was it about as many times as she’d sing?” Violet asked.

“More.” Quigley whispered, comically.

Violet balled her fists, pretending to wipe her eyes. “Oh, poor baby Quigley couldn’t handle a few stories and songs?” She pouted. “It’s almost as if people have real problems.”

Quigley rolled his eyes, pressing his index finger and thumb together. “I’m playing the world’s tiniest violin.”

“Oh, didn’t you hear about the violin recitals?” Violet asked, poking her head back out from behind the boxes. “I think we're good to go.” She stepped out, carefully, and crossed to room, untying the paper and stuffing the ribbon in her pocket. She reached up and pulled the other pigtail out. Quigley climbed out behind her and the two stepped back into the corridors.

“Which way is it again, map boy?” Violet asked.

“Left, I think.” Quigley said. “Yep, left.”

“Great.” Violet said, leading the way back to the Queequeg.

“How long has Fernald been helping Olaf?” Fiona asked.

“Since we met him.” Isadora said. “But the Baudelaires knew him before us.”

“He didn’t do anything, too bad, did he?” Fiona asked, sheepishly.

“Well, I mean, he was the one who kidnapped us.” Isadora said. “I mean, it wasn’t his idea, it was Olaf’s plan, he just did the actual grabbing. But he was always the nicest to Duncan and I. I’m pretty sure he was nice to Sunny, as well, I mean he faked her death to save her.”

“I’m so sorry about him.” Fiona said.

“It’s not your fault.” Isadora reassured her.

Fiona smiled at her.

Isadora blushed furiously, fiddling with her sleeve. “Where do you reckon we’ll find him?”

“I don’t know.” Fiona sighed. “He could be anywhere.”

“We’ll find him, okay?” Isadora said.

Fiona nodded and the two girls continued on.

“Footsteps.” Isadora said. “Did you hear them?”

Fiona stopped walking, listening. “We need to hide.”

The two girls looked desperately around the empty corridor. There was nowhere to hide. They stood, frozen with fear, as the pounding footsteps got closer and closer.

“It’s a right at this turn, isn’t it?” Violet asked.

“Yeah. I think so.” Quigley said.

They continued walking up the hallway and around the corner, only to come face to face with Carmelita.

Violet swore, backing away.

“Hello, Cakesniffers!” Carmelita cried.

“Hi, Carmelita.” Quigley said, carefully.

“What are you doing?” Carmelita demanded.

“We’re just going for a walk?” Violet tried.

“On our submarine?” Carmelita said, sceptically. “No, I don’t think so. You’re the orphans Countie captured!”

“No, no, we’re not.” Quigley said. “We're snow scouts.”

“I’m not stupid, cakesniffers.” Carmelita. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t tell Esme about you.”

“Because of the snow scout pledge!” Quigley added, quickly.

Carmelita crossed her arms, raising her eyebrows at them.

“Yeah, it wouldn’t be very accommodating if you tell Count Olaf where we are.” Violet said.

“But, in order to be darling I have to tell him.” Carmelita argued.

“What if you could be both?” Quigley asked. “You go and tell Olaf where we are, but you let us go.”

“That would be following the pledge exactly.” Violet said.

“Okay, cakesniffers.” Carmelita said, before turning on her heel and tapping quickly down the hallway.

“We have to find Isadora and Fiona.” Violet said.

“Where were they headed?” Quigley asked.

“They went left when we went right.” Violet said.

“So they’ve got to be on that side of the submarine, right?” Quigley asked, gesturing to his left.

“Let’s hurry.” Violet said, taking off in the way that he had pointed, Quigley close behind her.

“When will they be back?” Duncan said, pacing the room. “They’ve been gone for too long.”

“I’m sure they’re fine, Duncan.” Klaus said, reasonably. “They’ll probably be back soon.”

“What if Olaf found them? We should have just left. Can we even trust Fiona?” Duncan asked, anxiously.

“Fiona did help to save you, so I think we can trust her.” Klaus said.

“Where's Sunny?” Duncan said. “We shouldn’t leave her alone.”

“She’s in the kitchen.” Klaus said. “She’s fine, she’s happy.”

Duncan sighed, sitting back at the table.

“I know, it’s stressful, but us worrying doesn’t help.” Klaus said.

“I know, I know.” Duncan said.

“So, let’s just find this ‘Last Safe Place’ or something else about VFD.” Klaus said.

Duncan nodded, before turning back to the map.

Fiona and Isadora stared at the end of the hallway, holding their breath as they waited for whoever it was to find them.

They were inordinately surprised to find that the heavy sets of footsteps belonged to Violet and Quigley.

“Oh, thank god.” Violet panted.

“We gotta go.” Quigley said, gasping for breath. “Olaf knows we’re here.”

“What?” Isadora cried.

“Come on!” Violet exclaimed. “Which way to the Queequeg?”

“Left.” Quigley said.

“What about my brother?” Fiona asked.

“We’ll work something out.” Isadora said. “But right now, we have to run.”

The four children raced down the end of the corridor, heading for the Queequeg.

They raced up to the hatch, hammering on the metal and shouting at the camera.

“Duncan! Klaus!” Isadora yelled.

“Let us in!” Fiona cried.

The hatch opened and the four children swiftly descended the ladder, slamming the hatch behind them.

“Olaf knows we’re here!” Violet called, rushing into the control room.

“What?” Duncan exclaimed.

“We met Carmelita.” Quigley explained, gesturing towards him and Violet, who was inspecting the machinery. “And we convinced her to let us go, but she went to tell Olaf.”

“So what do we do?” Klaus asked.

“Guys, we have a problem.” Violet said.

“What is it?” Isadora asked.

“This submarine’s not going anywhere. It’s damaged.” Violet said.

Fiona swore. “What do we need to fix?”

“The steering mechanism.” Violet said, dropping to the floor and pulling out a fork. She began unscrewing the screws holding the panel in place. The panel fell off, hitting the ground with a clang. “Okay, yeah, I can fix this.” She said, pulling out her ribbons and tying her hair up.

“Someone needs to keep watch.” Quigley said, walking over to the screen showing the camera’s view.

“I’ll go get Sunny.” Klaus said, rushing off to the kitchen.

“Did you find anything?” Isadora said, turning to Duncan.

“Nothing important.” Duncan said.

Klaus returned, Sunny in his arms.

“Oh, Fiona.” He said. “We kept the Medusiod Mycelium. It’s in the library.”

“Oh, good. Thanks.” Fiona said.

“Did you find your brother?” Duncan asked.

Fiona shook her head. “Did you guys get the Snow Scouts?”

“Well, they’re not rowing anymore.” Quigley said.

“I’ll take that as a win.” Isadora said. “What do we do now?”

“We’ve got to leave.” Duncan said. “Olaf could be here any minute.”

“No.” Fiona cried. “We’re not leaving without Fernald.”

“We have to wait.” Violet said. “It’s going to take me a while to fix this.”

“Maybe I can help.” Fiona said, kneeling down beside Violet.

“Guys, Olaf’s coming.” Quigley cried.

“What?” Isadora yelled.

“He’s coming.” Quigley cried, backing away from the screen. “Esme and Fernald are with him.”

Sure enough, the children could hear heavy footsteps on the top of the submarine.

“What do we do?” Violet asked, hurriedly putting her tools back into her pockets and pulling the ribbons out of her hair.

“Isadora, Klaus, Duncan.” Quigley began. “Take Sunny and hide. He doesn’t know you escaped.”

“Take the sugar bowl.” Violet said, passing it to Duncan.

“We can’t leave you here!” Isadora cried.

“Go, we’ll be fine.” Fiona urged and Isadora nodded, leading the others out of the control room and deeper into the submarine.

The hatch was wrenched open and Olaf jumped down the ladder.

“I thought I might find you here.” Olaf snarled. “Trying to hide from me, after that little stunt you pulled.”

Violet and Quigley shrank back.

“And, oh, you must be Fiona.” He continued. “Last time I saw you, I was throwing thumbtacks into your cradle.”

Fiona only glared at him. “Where’s my brother?” She demanded.

“Your brother?” Olaf asked. “How would I know your brother?”

Esme climbed down the ladder behind Olaf, struggling to fit through the hatch.

“Oh, darling do we really need to chase after these orphans?” She asked. “We’ve got the sugar bowl and don’t we already have some of them locked away?”

“Yes, dear.” Olaf said. “But these ones are the oldest, and we won’t have to wait as long for their fortunes.”

“But Olaf, it’s just money, and I have buckets of it sitting around, you can have some.” Esme said. “I’m sick of chasing them around.”

“It’s also about revenge, Esme.” Olaf said, his teeth gritted.

“Right, sorry.” Esme said, rolling her eyes.

Carmelita jumped down the hatch, tapping her way towards the orphans. “Countie.” She whined. “You love the Baudelaires and Quagmires more than me!”

“Oh, no, dear.” Esme said, reassuringly putting her hand on Carmelita’s shoulder. “Olaf hates the Baudelaires and Quagmires.”

Carmelita nodded. “Can I explore the cakesniffer’s submarine, mum?”

“Yes, you may, but of course, I’m too young to be your real mother.” Esme said, quickly.

The Hook Handed Man descended the ladder last. He walked into the main room, his mouth falling open in surprise as he saw his sister.

“Fernald!” Fiona cried, rushing forwards and throwing her arms around her brother.

“Hooky.” Olaf said. “Who is this?”

“My sister, Fiona.” Fernald said, sheepishly.

“And is she helping the orphans?” Olaf said, his voice dangerously calm.

“I’m not sure, boss.” Fernald said, carefully.

Carmelita excitedly ran into the room, dragging Isadora with her. “Look, Countie! I caught a cakesniffer!”

“What is she doing here?” Olaf roared. “She’s supposed to be locked in the brig!”

Fernald looked at the ground, shuffling his feet.

“You!” Olaf shouted, turning on Fernald and slamming him into the wall. “You did this.” Olaf raised his hand, holding the Hook Handed Man up by his throat.

“Stop!” Fiona cried. “Stop you’ll kill him!”

“That’s the idea.” Olaf said.

“Stop!” Fiona shouted. “I’ll give you anything!”

“Anything?” Olaf asked.

“The Medusiod Mycelium!” Fiona cried. “You can have it!”

“No, Fiona, don’t!” Isadora cried.

Olaf dropped the Hook Handed Man, turning to Fiona. “Where is it?”

“It’s in the library.” Fiona sobbed. “It’s in a diving helmet.”

“Fiona! No!” Isadora cried, again.

“Carmelita, go get it.” Olaf ordered.

“Why don’t you get it?” Carmelita asked.

“Because I have to bully the orphans.” Olaf said.

Carmelita rolled her eyes and left the room, muttering about how unfair it was.

“Now, once I’ve got that mushroom I can lock the orphans in the brig and through the helmet in.” Olaf said. “I’ll have to pick two to keep alive, unfortunately.”

“You don’t want to waste the Mycelium on the orphans.” Fiona said, quickly. “You could use it for much more powerful things.”

“Good idea.” Olaf said. “You can join my troupe.”

“What did you say your name was?” Esme asked.

“Fiona.” Fiona answered.

“That’s not a very ‘in’ name.” Esme said. “I’m going to call you Triangle Eyes.”

Carmelita returned, her tap shoes announcing her presence. “I got it!” She sang.

“Excellent.” Olaf said, snatching the helmet from the girl’s arms.

“Triangle eyes, take all the orphans to the brig.” Esme ordered.

Fiona nodded, seriously as the villains left the submarine.

“Come on, orphans.” She shouted. “Get to the brig.”

“Take good care of the Queequeg” Fiona whispered.

“What?” Quigley asked.

“I’ll pretend to lock you up, take the Queequeg and get out of here.” Fiona explained. “You can drive it, right, Violet?”

Violet nodded.

“Fiona, you don’t have to do this.” Duncan pleaded.

“You're still a noble person.” Klaus added.

“No one’s really noble.” Fiona said, sadly. “They’re like chef's salad.”

“Fiona, don’t do it.” Isadora begged. “You can stay with us.”

“I can’t leave my brother, I’m sorry.” Fiona said, sadly.

She turned to Isadora, leaning in and kissing her. Isadora’s eyes widened in surprise and her mouth fell open. Fiona turned around, climbing the ladder and disappearing up the hatch.

“How could someone so incredible do something so terrible?” Isadora asked, sadly.

“Any of us would have done the same.” Duncan said, sadly.

“We’d better go.” Violet said, checking out the steering mechanism. “Quigley, could you chart a course to land?”

“Sure.” Quigley said. “Does it matter where?”

“Close as possible.” Violet said. “I don’t know how far this can travel.”

“Duncan, do you want to see if we can take any books?” Klaus asked.

“Okay!” Duncan said, enthusiastically, earning confused glances from their siblings.

“Could you look after, Sunny, Isadora?” Klaus asked.

“Sure.” Isadora said, dejectedly, taking the toddler from Klaus’ arms.

“I’m sure she’ll be alright.” Quigley said, reassuringly.

“She’s with Olaf!” Isadora cried. “She won’t be alright!”

“He won’t hurt her.” Violet said. “I’m sure she’ll manage to escape.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Isadora shrugged, dismissively.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Quigley asked.

“No.” Isadora said, fiddling with Sunny’s hair.

“You can talk to me, Isadora.” Quigley said.

Isadora shook her head. “I’m fine.”

“Or me?” Violet offered. “Girl to girl?”

“I said I’m fine!” Isadora shouted, picking up Sunny and storming out of the room.

“Oh.” Quigley said.

“Just give her some space.” Violet said.

Quigley nodded, slowly, turning back to the map. “I think the closest shore is somewhere called ‘Briny Beach’.”

“Oh.” Violet said.

“Do you know it?” Quigley asked.

“Um, yeah.” Violet said. “That’s where we were when, you know, our house burnt down.”

“Oh.” Quigley said.

“Yay, nostalgia.” Violet said, unenthusiastically.

“I can find somewhere else.” Quigley said.

“No, I don’t think the submarine will be able to do that.” Violet said. “Briny Beach, ahoy.”

“Briny Beach, ahoy.” Quigley repeated.

The submarine cut swiftly through the waves, rushing past seaweed and sea creatures on its route to dry land. After a while, Quigley went back into the library, getting Duncan and Klaus before finding Isadora and Sunny in the kitchen.

“We’re here.” Violet called, pulling the submarine as close to the shore as possible. “We’ll have to wade in.”

“Does someone have the sugar bowl?” Duncan asked.

“Yeah, I’ve got it.” Klaus answered.

“And what about that map?” Duncan asked.

“I’ve got it.” Quigley said.

“Do you want me to take Sunny?” Violet asked, turning to Isadora.

“Okay.” Isadora said, passing the toddler over and shifting a rectangle shaped object in her arms.

“What’s that?” Quigley asked.

“Nothing.” Isadora said, clutching the object to her chest, accidentally displaying it. It was one of Fiona’s mycology books. None of the other children said anything.

“Are those suits waterproof?” Violet asked.

“I think so.” Klaus said.

“Great.” Violet said. “You’ll stay dry. Let’s go.”

Duncan climbed up the ladder, pushing on the hatch and stepping out onto the top of the submarine. Klaus quickly followed him.

“Oh, okay.” Klaus said, taking in his surroundings. “Briny Beach.”

“Sorry.” Violet said, sticking her head out the hatch, Sunny in her arms.

Quigley made his way up the ladder, leaving Isadora the last in the submarine.

“Goodbye.” She whispered, softly, before gripping the ladder and climbing out.

The six children carefully jumped off the roof of the submarine, Violet and Quigley shouting as the cold water hit their legs.

“I don’t know what the fuss is all about.” Duncan said.

“Yeah, the water is not cold at all.” Klaus joked.

“Easy for you to say.” Quigley said, through gritted teeth.

They all waded through the icy water, stepping into the wet sand. Violet and Klaus’s mouths fell open as they spotted their abandoned picnic basket and blanket. Duncan tapped Klaus’ shoulder pointing to a lady waving at them from her taxi.

“Who’s that?” Isadora’s voice cut through their thoughts.

A mysterious figure was making their way through the fog.

“It only seems scary because of the mist.” Klaus said.

The six children walked up to the figure.

“It’s Mr Poe.” Duncan said.

“From the bank?” Violet asked.

Mr Poe coughed as he walked over to the children. “Baudelaires?”

“Hi Mr Poe.” Violet said, a tight smile on her face.

“What on earth are you doing here?” Mr Poe asked. “Why are some of you wearing suits with Santa Claus on them? And are those the Quagmires, didn’t one of you die in a fire?”

“A lot has happened.” Isadora said.

“Well, come along, I’ll take you back to the bank.” Mr Poe said.

“No, thanks.” Quigley said.

Mr Poe raised his eyebrows.

“We’ve got a taxi to catch.” Isadora said, turning in her heel and marching up towards the woman and her taxi.

“No!” Mr Poe cried. “I’m in charge of you. You have to come with me.”

The Quagmires started to make their way towards the taxi, but Violet Klaus and Sunny stayed behind.

“We’ve got to break the cycle.” Klaus said. “If we go with you, that’s putting us back to where we were before.”

“It’s a nice day.” Violet said, rather sadly. “Goodbye, Mr Poe.”

“Sayonara.” Sunny said, rather rudely.

The Baudelaires turned away from the banker, making their way up the hill to their friends, a mysterious woman and her taxi and a possible new beginning.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Two

The Last Safe Place

The six children were crammed into the small taxi. Isadora was sitting in the passenger seat, holding Sunny tightly on her lap. The other four children were sitting along the three person backseat. Duncan was stuck against one of the windows, Klaus on his side. Violet was crammed next to Klaus, half on his seat and half on Quigley’s on her other side.

“Where are we going?” Duncan asked, wincing as the taxi driver took a sharp turn, throwing him against the window.

“The Last Safe Place.” The mysterious taxi driver answered.

“And who are you?” Violet asked.

“Kit Snicket.” Kit answered.

The children all gasped.

“Like, Jacques Snicket?” Klaus asked.

“Or Lemony Snicket?” Isadora asked.

“Yes.” Kit smiled, softly. “Things aren’t what they seem, children.”

“What mean?” Sunny asked, tilting her head.

“It may seem as if I’m just speeding recklessly, but I’m really trying to shake the taxi that is following us.” Kit said calmly.

“What?” Quigley exclaimed, and the four children in the backseat turned around, staring out the back window.

“Don’t look, idiots.” Isadora said. “That’s like, spy rule, number one.”

Kit chuckled. “I suspect it belongs to a pair of sinister villains I recently encountered on a mountain.”

“We were there too.” Klaus said.

“I know exactly where you’ve been, Klaus Baudelaire.” Kit answered.

“I’m sorry.” Violet said. “But if you knew where we were and what happened to us, why didn’t you step in?”

“I wish I could’ve helped you all along, but ever since the schism there have been more fires that a Volunteer Fire Department can put out.” Kit said.

“But, we were kidnapped.” Quigley said. “On at least three different occasions, and I don’t know what it was like for Duncan, Isadora or Sunny, but it was in no way fun for Violet or I.”

“And, you know.” Violet began, casually. “He only tried to cut my fucking head off, I mean why would you want to stop him, right? Oh, and what about that time he dropped us off a cliff.” Violet continued. “Yeah, that was just a walk in the park.”

“Yeah.” Quigley said. “I mean, my siblings thought I was dead and I lived in an empty house eating nothing but canned peaches, knowing that my siblings had been kidnapped by a madman, but what’s the big deal?”

“And, oh.” Violet said. “Remember that time that Olaf made Fiona give him the Medusiod Mycelium so he wouldn’t kill her brother?”

“What, Olaf has the Medusiod Mycelium?” Kit interrupted.

“That’s what bothers you about what we just told you?” Violet asked, incredulously.

“Okay, guys.” Duncan began, looking pointedly at Violet and Quigley. “Maybe leave it alone.”

“Yes, he does.” Klaus said, in answer to Kit. “Sorry.”

“Things are worse than we thought.” Kit groaned.

“Yep, because child abuse is fun.” Quigley said, only to be silenced with a glare from his brother.

“I’m sorry about everything, children.” Kit said. “But our enemies are getting bolder and we need your help.”

“Oh, like we needed your help?” Violet asked. “When we were running from a madman, who is still out there and is probably looking for us.”

Klaus elbowed his sister, glaring at her pointedly.

“My brother is the reason I need your help.” Kit began. “I received a telegram instructing all volunteers to be at the Hotel Denouement on Thursday, signed with my brothers initials.”

“We got the same message But, it can’t be from Jacques, he’s…” Duncan trailed off.

“Yes, I know that my brother is dead.” Kit sighed. “But I’m afraid someone is impersonating him to gather VFD in one place.”

“Oh, like we were afraid when…” Violet began, before shutting up as Klaus slammed his hand over her mouth.

“You need us to find out if they’re a friend or an enemy.” Isadora guessed.

Kit nodded. “Do you know what a flaneur is?”

“A spy?” Klaus guessed.

“Very good. Children make the best flaneurs, since adults rarely pay attention to them.” Kit said.

Violet and Quigley both let out a short, humourless laugh.

“There’s a picnic basket at your feet, open it.” Kit continued, ignoring the two eldest children.

Duncan leant over Klaus, picking up the picnic basket and opening it. “Uniforms?”

“Disguises.” Kit corrected, turning the corner, sharply. “I need you to infiltrate Hotel Denouement as concierges and learn the identity of ‘JS’ before Thursday. I have an inside man who’s made all of the arrangements, all you have to do is say yes. Say you’ll volunteer.”

Isadora answered quickly, surprising the others. “Of course we will.”

“We should discuss that first.” Quigley said.

“They’re back.” Kit cried, interrupting the children’s discussion. “This wasn’t the route I intended to take, but here we are.” She quickly spun the wheel, pulling the taxi up over the curb and through a hedge.

“The Last Safe Place.” Duncan said, breathlessly.

“The Hotel Denouement.” Kit said. “I’ll give you a moment to be impressed.” She opened the car door and stepped out onto the plush grass.

“Do you think we can trust Kit?” Duncan asked.

“No.” Violet and Quigley said in unison.

“Does anyone without a biased opinion think we trust Kit?” Duncan asked again.

“Because we were kidnapped and just found out that someone could have rescued us, makes us biased?” Quigley asked.

“Okay, do you two want to step out and take a breather?” Duncan asked.

“Yeah, ‘cause you’re the therapist.” Violet muttered under her breath.

“Yep.” Duncan said. “Out you go.”

Quigley rolled his eyes, unclipping his seatbelt and opening the car door. Violet slid out after him, still scowling.

“What is up with them?” Klaus asked. “Violet never used to be like this.”

“Hey, we’ve all changed.” Isadora said, bouncing Sunny on her lap.

“Yeah, I mean, they probably went through a lot.” Duncan said. “It didn’t sound too bad when they told us about it, but what are the chances they weren’t telling us everything?”

“One hundred percent.” Klaus said. “Violet was definitely lying.”

“But, if it was me, I wouldn’t want to talk about it either.” Isadora said. “I mean, Olaf didn’t hurt us when he had us, did he, Duncan?”

“No.” Duncan said. “Just kept us in a fountain.”

“But he obviously, physically hurt Quigley and Violet.” Isadora continued. “And if we found out that someone could have rescued us, I’d be pretty mad.”

Duncan nodded.

“So, Kit?” Klaus asked.

“She seems badass.” Isadora said, carefully.

“She broke, like ten different traffic rules on the way here.” Duncan began. “I like her.”

“Me too.” Klaus said.

“Me three!” Sunny exclaimed, giggling a little.

“Are we actually going to have to do this mission?” Violet groaned, leaning her head against the taxi.

“I think so.” Quigley said.

“Why didn’t she help us?” Violet asked. “Why didn’t she try?”

“We did better than a woman in a secret organisation.” Quigley stated.

“Maybe Fiona was right.” Violet said.

“About what?” Quigley asked.

“That nobody is good or evil, they’re like chef’s salad.” Violet said.

“Mixed up in a vinaigrette of confusion.” Quigley said.

“Hey, I thought I was talking to Quigley, not Isadora.” Violet joked, nudging Quigley’s shoulder. “What’s all this poetry?”

“It’s just something I read somewhere.” Quigley said. “I thought it applied.”

“Do you think we can actually trust, Kit?” Violet asked. “You knew Jacques, What was he like?”

“He…seemed, I don’t know, really committed to this VFD thing.” Quigley said. “He was nice to me, but he was determined not to let me go and find Isadora and Duncan. He said it was ‘too dangerous.’ But then he didn’t come back, so I went to find them.”

“If our siblings trust her, we’ve got to, right?” Violet asked.

“We can be the reasonable older siblings and hit them if they try to join a cult.” Quigley said.

“Yeah, with all of our wisdom.” Violet smirked.

“Do you reckon this hotel has an all-you-can-eat buffet?” Quigley asked.

Violet began to laugh, throwing her head back and laughing harder than she had in a long while.

“What?” Quigley asked, confused. “What’s funny?”

Violet didn’t answer, instead falling backwards and continuing to laugh.

“I’m hungry, Violet.” Quigley complained. “I haven’t eaten for so long.”

“Hi hungry, I’m Violet.” Violet cackled.

Quigley began to laugh as well, falling onto the soft grass, beside Violet. “That’s not funny!”

“You’re laughing.” Violet cried.

“I’m just overtired.” Quigley said, still laughing.

“What are we even laughing about?” Violet laughed.

“I don’t know.” Quigley giggled, wiping his eyes.

“Okay, okay.” Violet said sitting up and taking a deep breath. “I’m done.”

They heard the car doors open and shut and their siblings came around the back of the taxi.

“What is going on here?” Klaus asked.

Violet and Quigley both began to laugh again, falling back against each other.

“Do I want to know what’s going on?” Isadora.

“You tell us.” Quigley gasped, before dissolving into giggles again.

“Okay.” Duncan said slowly. “Well, Kit’s probably waiting for us, so…”

“Right.” Violet said, rubbing her eyes. “Yep, okay.”

Quigley sat up, taking a deep breath. “Okay let’s go.”

They all made their way over to Kit who had set out a picnic blanket, stacked with all manner of foods.

“Violet.” Quigley said, pointing to the chequered blanket. “Look, food.”

Violet laughed, grabbing Quigley’s arm and pulling him forwards. As they reached the blanket she sat down, opposite Kit.

“We’re sorry for being a bit…testy, in the car.” Violet said, nudging Quigley. “Aren’t we?”

Quigley nodded, vigorously. “We’ve just been…through a lot.”

“It’s okay.” Kit sighed. “We’re all under a lot of pressure. Have something to eat and I’ll explain it all to you.”

“Really?” Violet asked. “We can eat?”

“Well, It’s not all for me.” Kit laughed, softly.

Violet and Quigley grinned at each other, grabbing a plate and piling food onto it.

“The hotel is run by two indentical twins, Ernest and Frank. One of them is with the fire-starters and the other is with the fire-fighters.” Kit explained.

“How will we know which one is which?” Klaus asked.

“You’ll have to watch and find out.” Kit said. “You must remember that Frank is Friendly and Ernest is Evil.”

“Frank is Friendly, Ernest is Evil.” Duncan muttered.

“Why can’t you help us?” Isadora asked.

“I have an urgent mission to attend to.” Kit said. “But I know that you can do this.”

“What if we find the hotel isn’t safe?” Klaus wondered.

“Then you send me a signal.” Kit said. “If all goes well, I’ll be here by Thursday.”

“How will we signal to you?” Isadora asked.

“You’ll figure something out.” Kit said. “I’ll be watching the skies.”

Violet instinctively reached into her pocket, fishing around for her ribbon, Klaus adjusted his glasses, the three Quagmires pulled out their commonplace books and Sunny picked up a rock she could bite.

“Your mother used to tie her up when she needed to think, too, Violet.” Kit said, smiling sadly at the children. “And your father always adjusted his glasses before a mission, Klaus.”

The two eldest Baudelaires froze. “You knew our parents?” Klaus asked.

Kit nodded. “I knew your parents too, Quagmires.”

“How?” Isadora asked.

“Did they really break out of prison in Peru?” Quigley asked.

“I wouldn’t know, but they were brave and honourable people.” Kit explained.

The children all smiled, sadly.

“I’ll leave you to get changed.” Kit said, standing up. “The taxi’s unlocked.”

“Wait, Kit.” Violet said, standing up. “Can I talk to you, alone?”

Kit nodded.

“You guys get changed, I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t let Quigley eat my danish.” She added, as an afterthought before hurrying after Kit.

“You said you knew our parents.” Violet began and Kit nodded. “But, well, Esme told me some stuff about my mum and I wanted to know if it was true or not.”

Kit nodded again.

“Did she love my dad?” Violet asked. “Because Esme said she loved your brother.”

“Oh, Violet.” Kit said. “Of course she loved your father. She and Lemony used to date, but… things happened.”

“Did my mum steal Esme’s sugar bowl?” Violet asked.

Kit sighed. “Yes, she did.”

“Do you know why?” Violet asked.

“There is something important in there, something that she had to keep safe.” Kit explained.

Violet nodded, slowly before taking a deep breath and rushing her words. “DidshekillOlaf’sdad?”

Kit sighed. “Yes.” She said, her voice small.

Violet nodded, sadly.

“It was an accident, though.” Kit said.

Violet nodded, again. “Okay.” She took a deep breath in, hiding any traces of worry on her face. “Okay.”

“It’s okay to be upset, Violet.” Kit said, putting her hands on Violet’s shoulders.

“I’ll be upset later.” Violet said. “I can’t let Klaus know, not yet.”

“Okay.” Kit said.

Violet smiled, sadly, at her before turning back to the picnic blanket.

“Hey!” She yelled. “Quigley, what did I say?”

The foyer of the hotel was huge and filled with the bustling of holidaymakers, chatting excitedly, and concierges pushing suitcases. The children all looked up, at the tall, elegant ceilings and a huge clock, over the elevator. In front of the elevator stood Count Olaf, Esme and Carmelita. Klaus spotted them and quickly tugged on Violet’s sleeve.

“Olaf.” He said, nodding towards the elevator.

Violet froze, instinctively pushing Klaus behind her and grabbing Quigley’s arm. Isadora leapt into action, pushing the others towards the grand piano. They all quickly caught on, moving towards it and ducking behind it.

“Of course he’s here.” Duncan groaned.

“This is going to be harder than I thought it was.” Isadora sighed.

“What do we do?” Klaus whispered, picking up Sunny.

“Ah.” A voice behind them said. “You must be the new concierges?”

The children all spun around, to face who they could only assume was one of the Denouement brothers.

“Are you Frank or Ernest?” Quigley asked.

“Yes.” The manager replied and the children looked at each other in confusion. “This way please.”

The manager led the six children over to the front desk.

“The job of a concierge is to give our guests everything they ask for.” The manager explained, gesturing behind him at a wall with lights and bells.

“What are all the numbers for?” Isadora asked. “Surely there aren't 999 rooms?”

“That’s an interesting question.” Frank…or maybe Ernest explained. “Do you know what it means?”

Another concierge approached the desk. “Excuse me, sir.” She said. “We have had some luggage delivered but the guest won’t get here until Thursday.”

“Thursday?” Ernest…or maybe Frank said, following the concierge outside.

“If we knew what it meant we wouldn’t have asked you.” Violet said, rolling her eyes.

“Do you think that was Frank?” Duncan asked.

“He used the word ‘volunteer.’” Isadora offered.

“Maybe a code?” Sunny suggested.

“Everything he said sounded like a code.” Klaus said, deep in thought.

“You must be our new concierges!” The manager exclaimed, coming up to the desk.

“Are you Frank or Ernest?” Quigley asked, suspiciously.

“I am.” The manager said and Quigley put his head on the counter in frustration. “You’re just in time. We’re expecting a large number of guests before Thursday, do you know why?”

“We think so.” Klaus answered, carefully.

“Can you tell me?” The manager asked.

“That’s an interesting question.” Klaus said.

“That’s a smart answer,” the manager said. “It’s hard to know who you can trust in a hotel lobby.”

A concierge approached the desk. “Excuse me, sir.” He said. “The Daily Punctillo just arrived with a report on those murderers.” The children looked away, quickly.

“Murderers?” The manager asked, before following the concierge out.

“Was that Ernest?” Duncan asked.

“It had to be.” Isadora said. “Why else would he ask us about the gathering?”

“Unless he was just testing us?” Klaus asked.

“Identical twins suck.” Quigley said. “Duncan, I’m officially growing out my hair, don’t copy me.”

Violet smiled slightly, hitting Quigley’s arm.

“How are we supposed to find anyone?” Isadora asked, looking around.

“I can answer that question.” The manager said, appearing behind the desk again. “Finding someone here is as easy as finding a book in a library, because the hotel isn’t organised like a hotel at all, its organised like a library.”

Klaus clapped his hands, adjusting his glasses. “A library is organised by the Dewey Decimal system.”

“That’s right.” The manager explained. “All the guests at this hotel are organised by where they would be shelved in a library.”

The bells behind the desk began to ring.

“610.” The manager said. “Healthcare industry.”

Another bell rang.

“332.” He continued. “Financial economics.”

A final bell rang.

“That one doesn’t have a number.” Klaus pointed out.

“That’s the rooftop sunbathing lounge.” The manager explained. “People who sunbathe usually aren’t interested in library sciences, so they don’t really care about the location. Three bells, three rooms. But you can’t be in three places at once, you’ll have to split up, Baudelaires and Quagmires.”

“You know our names?” Isadora said, in surprise.

“Are you Frank or Ernest?” Quigley asked, for the third time.

“That’s an interesting question.” The manager said, before turning and walking off.

Quigley groaned. “Why can’t they just tell us?”

“Did you miss the bit about it being a secret organisation?” Isadora asked.

“We’d better go.” Klaus said, leading the way to the elevator.

“Is there a staircase?” Isadora asked, sheepishly.

“We can just ta… oh, right.” Violet said, realising what was happening. “I’m not sure, I can ask.”

“Oh, no.” Isadora said. “It’s fine, we won’t be in there for long, will we?”

“No, I can just ask.” Violet said, looking around for another concierge.

“No, it’s just a stupid fear.” Isadora said. “Let’s just take the elevator.” Isadora pressed the button and the doors opened. She took a deep breath before stepping in.

The other children stepped in behind her, Duncan grabbing her arm.

“It’s okay to be scared.” Klaus said. “I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to go back to an optometrist again.”

“And there’s no way I’m going to a hospital.” Violet said.

“Or a submarine.” Quigley added.

Isadora nodded, trying to change the subject. “Where are we all going?”

“I’ll go to the sunbathing lounge.” Violet said, quickly. “By myself.”

“No.” Quigley said. “We go in pairs. I’m coming with you.”

“Can I do 610?” Klaus asked.

“I’ll come with you, Klaus.” Duncan said.

“332?” Sunny asked.

“I can go with Sunny.” Isadora said.

The elevator stopped at the third floor and the doors swung open.

“You have to be careful, okay, you two?” Klaus said.

Sunny nodded, seriously before leaving the elevator.

“I’ll look after her, don’t worry.” Isadora said, following Sunny just as the doors shut.

The doors parted at level four and Duncan and Klaus stepped forwards.

“Don’t do anything stupid, Klaus.” Violet said, ruffling her younger brother's hair.

“I won’t let him.” Duncan said, reassuringly.

“Hey! I don’t need looking aft…” Klaus’ protest was cut short as the doors shut again.

“I know why you picked the lounge.” Quigley said, as soon as the doors were shut.

“I can’t risk it.” Violet said. “If she is there and I let Sunny or Klaus up there, then I wouldn’t ever forgive myself.”

“You gotta be careful too.” Quigley said. “You can’t just sacrifice yourself.”

“Yes, I can.” Violet said. “And I’ll keep doing it.”

The elevator doors slid open, revealing the sunny rooftop.

“We have not finished with this conversation.” Quigley said, leaving the elevator. “We will finish it.”

Violet rolled her eyes in response as they both stepped out.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Three

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong

Sunny toddled down the corridor, Isadora at her side. As she went she thought about all the different troubles she had struggled through. She thought about all of the people she had lost, her parents, her Uncle Monty, her Aunt Joséphine, did Georgina Orwell count? Jacques Snicket, Olivia Caliban. How many of those deaths were her fault? Could she have done something to stop them? She sighed, shaking her head and clearing her thoughts, counting the numbers on the door aloud.

“328, 330, 332!” Sunny cried.

“Well done, Sunny.” Isadora said, reaching up and knocking on the door.

The door creaked open and Sunny audibly groaned when she saw who it was.

“Hello?” Mr Poe called, sticking his head out the door.

“It’s the concierges.” Isadora sighed.

“Oh, hello.” Mr Poe said, pointing to Sunny. “You’re rather short for a concierge.”

“I despise you.” Sunny said, passionately.

“I have no idea what you just said.” Mr Poe said. “Could you please show me the way to the Indian restaurant? This hotel is organised very strangely, I can’t understand it.”

“Of course you can’t.” Sunny sighed, shaking her head and they started to head back down the corridor.

“Do you know they split me and my wife up!” Mr Poe continued. “Something about library sciences.”

Isadora and Sunny groaned, wondering how they had managed to end up showing Mr Poe around the hotel.

“This hotel is just packed with familiar faces!” Mr Poe said. “I’m seeing people who I’ve seen before, but I can’t think where I’ve seen them.”

Both girls laughed, inwardly. Of course Mr Poe didn’t recognise the,.

“I’m here because I got a telegram.” Mr Poe explained. “From a mysterious ‘JS’.”

They nodded, politely, listening carefully.

“They said to bring this book I’ve been working on, to show them.”

Sunny nodded.

“What’s the book?” Isadora asked.

“It's very official stuff.” Mr Poe said, cheerfully.

Sunny groaned, frustratedly, reaching out and pressing the elevator button. After a moment, the doors slid open and she held open the door as the banker stepped inside. She pressed the button inside the elevator, and it began to descend. With a ting the doors opened and they stepped out, into the hallway. Isadora and Sunny led the way down the hall as Mr Poe chattered away behind them.

“Here we are.” Sunny said, pushing open the door.

Mr Poe walked through the open door, past Sunny.

“Oh, thank you, Sunny.” She muttered to herself. “You’re welcome, Mr Poe.”

“Thank you, Sunny.” Isadora said, smiling down at the toddler.

Sunny, still smiling entered the restaurant behind the oblivious banker.

“Take a seat.” Mr Poe said, gesturing to Sunny and Isadora.

Sunny looked surprised. “Us?”

Mr Poe looked at her blankly.

Sunny sighed, pulling out the chair and sitting down. Isadora did the same, taking the seat between the banker and the toddler.

Mr Poe leant his bag up against the chair and pulled out a thick, black and gold book. He placed it on the table, tracing the embossed letters with his finger.

A man approached their table. “Hello, I’m Larry, your waiter.”

“Larry?” Sunny said.

“Ah, right.” Mr Poe said. “I’d like to order a glass of milk.”

“Will that be all?” Larry asked.

“Yes, please.” Mr Poe said.

As Larry turned back to the kitchen he made the symbol of VFD over his eye. Sunny raised her hand and mirrored the movement. Larry nodded at her before heading back into the kitchen.

The main doors swung open, and the two girls looked up, gasping as she saw who had entered the room. The man approved their table, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

“I’m Jacques Snicket.” Count Olaf said. “I trust you got my telegram?”

They both instantly looked down, ducking their heads below the tabletop.

“Yes.” Mr Poe said. “I brought the book you asked for.”

“Excellent.” Olaf said, brushing dust off the sleeve of his white suit. “This is all of it?”

“Oh, no.” Mr Poe said. “This is just the index. The full copy is coming tomorrow with an associate of mine.”

“I’ll take it, thanks.” Olaf said reaching for the book.

“Oh, no.” Mr Poe said. “We haven’t gone over any of the paperwork.”

“Ah.” Olaf said. “The paperwork.”

Mr Poe reached into his bag, again, pulling out a stack of papers. As Mr Poe was rummaging through his bag, the kitchen doors swung open and the waiter came back to their table, Poe’s milk in his hand. As he spotted Olaf he froze.

“I, uh, forgot your milk.” Larry said, hiding the glass of milk behind his back before turning around and hurrying back into the kitchen.

“Well, that was odd.” Mr Poe said. “Concierges, go and get my milk, please.”

Sunny and Isadora nodded, jumping up from their chairs and walking to the kitchen. Inside, they saw one of the managers talking to Larry, speaking in code in hushed voices.

“Oh, concierges.” One of the managers said. “I need your help with something.”

Sunny and Isadora nodded, following him through a back door.

Frank or Ernest knelt down, pulling out a complicated looking lock.

He pushed it against the door.

“This leads to the laundry.” He said.

Sunny put her small hands on the lock, holding it in place whilst the manager clicked it in place.

“Can I trust you?” The manager asked, looking Sunny in the eye.

“If we can trust you.” Isadora answered.

The huge clock in the foyer sounded, announcing the time for everyone to hear. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Duncan and Klaus walked down the corridor, looking for the room numbered 610.

“Who do you reckon is in this room?” Duncan asked.

“Well, 610 is the Dewey Decimal System number for the healthcare industry.” Klaus explained.

“So, a doctor?” Duncan asked.

“I guess.” Klaus shrugged.

They both stopped in front of the door and Duncan leaned over to knock on the door.

The door opened slowly, revealing a panicky looking woman breathing into a paper bag.

“Babs?” Klaus gasped.

“How do you know my name?” Babs asked.

“Uh, uh, it’s on your name tag!” Duncan said, spotting the name tag on her dressing gown.

“Oh, right.” Babs said. “That makes sense.”

The boys both nodded.

“Do you think you could show me the way to the sauna?” Babs asked. “I’m meeting my boyfriend there.”

“Of course.” Duncan said. “Right this way, ma’am.”

The two boys led Babs down the corridor, back towards the elevator.

“I’m sorry I’m so jumpy.” Babs said. “But the last time I trusted someone they tied me up, stole my clipboard and burned down my hospital. I’ll never get that clipboard back.”

“Well.” Klaus began. “The 200s are the library catalog numbers for religion and saunas are often a place for spiritual contemplation. The sauna is on the second floor.”

“My, you’re smart.” Babs said. “Have you considered being a doctor.”

Klaus flinched, uncomfortably.

“Right this way, ma’am.” Duncan said. “Your boyfriend should be inside.”

Duncan opened the door, hot steam rushing out as Babs stepped inside.

“Who’s there?” Came a voice. “I can’t see a thing in this steam.”

“It’s your girlfriend!” Babs called. “And the concierge!”

“Ah, the concierge.” The man said. “I would love an aqueous Martini. Even though I know they’re terribly out of style.”

Klaus and Duncan stepped into the sauna, gasping as they saw who was sitting on the bench next to Babs.

“You two are a couple?” Klaus asked, in surprise.

“Yes! We met at a support group for people terrorised by Esme Squalor.” Jerome Squalor said. “And we fell hopelessly in love. Isn’t that right, love of my life?”

“It’s definitely not a cover story.” Babs cooed.

“We’ll get that Martini.” Duncan said, ushering Klaus out of the sauna.

The two boys stood around the corner, listening intently.

“He’s gone.” Jerome sighed.

“I’m so anxious. How long do we have to keep this up?” Babs asked.

“There are enemies at the hotel.” Jerome said. “We have to make them think we’re a happy couple if we want to help the Baudelaires. That’s what JS said in that telegram. Letting the Baudelaire go was the biggest mistake of my life.”

“I shouldn’t have let that man who said he was a doctor try to chop off their heads.” Babs said.

“We just have to wait until Thursday, then this will all be over and I can go back to the love of my life.” Jerome explained. “We met at a support group for people who have escaped horrible partners, he got a telegram too but he couldn’t be here, he’s a bit busy at his lumber mill.”

“Well I have someone too.” Babs said, not to be beaten. “She also received a telegram. But she couldn’t make it, she's in prison for bank robbery.”

“Oh.” Jerome said, obviously confused. “Well JS did say that everyone who’s ever met the Baudelaires was invited.”

“Who do you think he is?” Babs asked.

“You mean she?” Jerome asked.

“No, I heard he was a sea captain.” Babs said.

Duncan and Klaus had to stop listening as Duncan saw Olaf heading towards them with what looked like a huge, red bloodstain in his suit.

Duncan grabbed Klaus’ hand and ran, taking off and ducking around the corner.

“Ah.” One of the managers said, sneaking up behind the two boys. “There you are, concierges.”

Duncan quickly let go of Klaus’ hand, spinning around to face Ernest or maybe Frank,

“Can you please hang this fly paper from that window?” The manager asked.

“Does the hotel have a fly problem?” Klaus asked, adjusting his glasses, nervously.

“A bird problem.” The manager corrected. “Be careful, it’s very sticky.”

Klaus reached out to take the paper and the man stopped, looking into his eyes.

“Can I trust you?” He asked.

“If we can trust you.” Duncan said.

The clock chimed, announcing the time. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

“I knew she’d be here.” Violet muttered, grabbing a pile of towels to hide her face and passing some to Quigley. “And, holy shit. That guy is the vice principal from Prufrock.”

“The school you guys went to?” Quigley whispered. “Oh, shit.”

“Just keep the towels over your face, do not let either of them see you.” Violet instructed, walking over.

“How can we help you, ma’am?” Quigley asked, walking over to Esme.

“Ugh.” Esme said. “You’re late.”

“Sorry, ma’am.” Quigley said.

“Don’t address me.” Esme snarled. “I don’t speak to the help.”

“You’re speaking to the help, right now.” Violet said, through gritted teeth.

“I didn’t call you here to speak to me, I called you here to get that adorable little girl whatever she wants.” Esme ordered.

“I’m not an adorable little girl!” Carmelita cried. “I’m a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate!”

“Of course you are.” Esme smiled.

“Hey, concierges!” Carmelita yelled. “I want an ice cream cone with hot pink sprinkles and bananas and lemon sorbet because I’m lactose intolerant.”

Violet and Quigley moved back towards the elevator before freezing when they heard Esme continue to speak.

“My daughter and I are here on top secret business.” Esme began.

“I’m not just a vice principal, I’m also the Vice President of the Esme Squalor fan club. I’m your number one fan!” Vice Principal Nero said, excitedly. “I’d love to hear more about your top secret business.”

“I can’t tell you much.” Esme said, removing the cucumber slices over her eyes and glancing at the man. She shuddered, quickly dropping them back. “But, I can tell you that it’s going to be the innest cocktail party this hotel has ever seen.”

“A cocktail party!” Nero exclaimed. “People are going to be so excited!”

“I hope so!” Esme said. “They’re certainly in for a big surprise.”

“What kind of surprise?” Nero asked.

“If I told you, then it wouldn’t be a surprise.” Esme stated.

“I don’t mean to eavesdrop.” Quigley said. “But we’re both members of the Esme Squalor Fan Club, and we’d love to hear about a big surprise at a cocktail party.”

“Can’t you give us a hint?” Violet pleaded.

“No!” Esme cried.

“Pretty please, with sugar on top?” Nero asked.

“I also want sugar on top!” Carmelita yelled, jumping up and down on her boat.

“Does it have to do with the spyglass?” Nero asked.

Violet and Quigley shared a look.

“What spyglass?” Esme said, defensively.

“Before, I saw you watching the sky with a spyglass.” Nero explained.

“Bird watching is in!” Esme cried.

“Birdwatching is in!” Nero repeated. “Wait until the readers of the Esme Squalor Fan Club newsletter hear about this!”

“You’re very nosy.” Esme observed. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a hint about the secret ingredient in my party’s hors d'oeuvres, if you tell me who JS is.”

“You of all people should know who JS is!” Nero exclaimed. “He’s you husband!”

“You stupid cakesniffers!” Carmelita yelled at Violet and Quigley. “Mum! Those concierges are just standing there instead of getting my ice cream cone!”

“We’re so sorry, Carmelita.” Violet said, through gritted teeth and Violet and Quigley turned to leave.

“Hold on!” Esme called. “How does the concierge know my daughter’s name?”

Violet and Quigley looked around in a panic, searching for an answer.

“It’s on her boat!” Quigley said.

Esme nodded, laying back down on the deck chair.

“Oh, yeah.” Carmelita called. “There’s one more thing I want you to get me. I want a harpoon gun!”

Violet and Quigley hurried to the elevator, dropping the towels as they pressed the buttons.

“Why does Carmelita want a harpoon gun?” Violet exclaimed.

“Not for anything good.” Quigley said.

“So we can’t give it to her, right?” Violet asked.

“But if we don’t then Esme will be suspicious.” Quigley said.

Violet sighed. “Where will we even find a harpoon gun?”

The elevator stopped on the ground level, the doors sliding opening to reveal the bustling foyer. The two children spotted one of the managers across the room and headed over to him.

“Excuse me, sir.” Quigley began.

“Is there a problem?” The manager asked, turning to face them.

“A guest asked for something, but we don’t think we should give it to her.” Violet explained.

“It’s your job to give the guests exactly what they ask for.” The manager said.

Quigley nodded. “So where would we find a harpoon gun?”

The manager nodded, before leaning in and lowering his voice. “VFD is aware of Ms. Spats intentions. Sometimes what might seem wrong, is really part of a larger plan.”

Violet and Quigley, nodded slowly and carefully as they followed the manager behind the desk and through a door with the words, ‘staff only.’ The manager grabbed a bronze harpoon gun off the wall, handing it to Violet. Violet put out a hand, grabbing the gun. The manager looked at her, before saying. “Can I trust you?”

“If we can trust you.” Quigley said as Violet took the gun.

The large clock isn’t the foyer went off. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

As the daylight began to fade the children all gathered together in the foyer, lounging on the couches as they tried to solve the puzzle.

“Everyone we spoke to today was someone we knew.” Klaus said. “But they can’t all be a part of VFD.”

“Everyone was invited by someone with the initials JS,but they all think that JS is a different person.” Duncan said. “Klaus and I heard Jerome say that he thought JS was a sea captain but Babs thinks that JS is a woman.”

“And Nero thinks JS is Jerome.” Quigley added.

“Olaf is disguised as Jacques Snicket.” Isadora added.

“But Esme asked Nero who JS was, so they obviously don’t know.” Violet said.

“Jacquelyn?” Sunny said.

“Sunny’s right.” Klaus said. “Mr Poe’s secretary’s name was Jacquelyn Scieszka and she was involved in VFD.”

“So that leaves us with a few options.” Violet continued. “JS is either Jacques Snicket, Julio Sham, Jerome Squalor or Jacquelyn Scieszka.”

“But there’s other mysteries as well.” Klaus said.

“Why is Esme planning a cocktail party?” Quigley asked.

“And why does Carmelita want a harpoon gun?” Violet added. “Frank or Ernest thought it was a good idea.”

“But did Frank or Ernest want us to hang birdpaper?” Duncan asked.

“Who got Sunny and I to lock the laundry door?” Isadora asked.

“Why lock laundry?” Sunny asked.

”And why is everyone watching the skies?” Klaus asked.

“Elephant.” Sunny said.

“Sorry?” Isadora asked.

“Elephant.” Sunny repeated.

“What elephant?” Quigley asked, looking around.

“You idiot.” Duncan said. “Of course there’s not an actual elephant.”

“What do you mean, Sunny?” Violet asked, turning to her younger sister.

“Elephant!” Sunny insisted.

“John Godfrey Saxe.” Klaus said, slowly.

“The poet?” Isadora asked.

“Yeah.” Klaus said. “His poem about the elephant and the six blind men.”

“Dad's favourite.” Violet said, quietly.

“Sunny’s saying that we’ve got multiple pieces of the puzzle, but we can’t see it all.” Isadora explained.

“We’ve each heard parts of a larger plan.” Duncan realised.

“So we just put it together?” Quigley said. “We’ve done much harder things.”

“Larry said something about a package being delivered tonight.” Isadora said.

“And crows.” Sunny added.

“What if he meant carrier crows?” Klaus asked.

“Like the ones we used to send couplets in the Village of Fowl Devotees.” Duncan continued.

“That would explain why Esme’s watching the skies.” Violet said.

“And why Carmelita needs a harpoon gun. She’s gonna shoot it down.” Quigley added.

“That’s why we had to hang the birdpaper.” Duncan realised.

“If a crow was shot at a certain angle, it would strike the building at the fifth floor, sticking the to birdpaper and the package falls to the ground.” Isadora gasped.

“Maybe not.” Klaus said.

“Where else would it land?” Violet asked.

“I saw a laundry vent under the window.” Klaus explained. “What if the plan is for the package to fall in there?”

“Then it ends up in the laundry room.” Quigley said.

“Which Sunny and I locked.” Isadora reminded them.

“So, if Frank gave you the lock the package is safe.” Duncan said.

“But if it was Ernest, then it’s not.” Klaus said.

“We don’t even know what the package is.” Violet said.

“What’s something that both sides of the schism are after?” Quigley asked.

“Sugar bowl.” Sunny said.

“But we’ve got the sugar bowl.” Duncan said.

“They might not know that.” Quigley said. “If Esme thought she had lost it and then heard about a crow delivering it she’d want to get it back, right?”

“But who would have told her about it?” Isadora asked.

The children’s discussions stopped as the hotel doors swung open and a familiar voice cut through the foyer.

“Yes, please take that to room 347.” Justice Strauss said, passing her suitcase to a concierge.

“Justice Strauss?” Klaus exclaimed.

“Who?” Duncan whispered.

“She was our neighbour when we lived with Olaf.” Violet explained. “She wanted to adopt us.”

“Strauss!” Sunny cried, standing up and clapping her hands.

“Baudelaires! Baudelaires!” Justice Straus cried, rushing forwards. “Oh, my sweet Baudelaires.”

The three Baudelaire children stood up, the Quagmires close behind them.

“Oh, Klaus, you’ve gotten so tall!” Justice Strauss said, wrapping the children in a hug. “Violet, you’re so grown up.”

Violet smiled, slightly uncomfortably. Sunny reached your grabbing Justice Strauss’s sleeve and sinking her teeth into it.

“I see you're still a biter.” Justice Strauss said, patting Sunny’s head affectionately.

“You recognise us.” Klaus said, breathlessly.

“I care about you children deeply.” Justice Strauss said. “I’d recognise you anywhere.” She turned towards the three Quagmire triplets. “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Justice Strauss.” She extended a hand and Isadora shook it.

“We’re the Quagmire triplets.” She explained, geusetring to her brothers in turn. “I’m Isadora and this is Duncan and Quigley.”

“What are you doing here, Justice Strauss?” Klaus asked.

“Well, after that fraud of a wedding.” Justice Strauss began, not noticing the way Violet flinched. “I couldn’t forgive myself for letting you down, so I decided to set things right. I went to all the places you had been, but everywhere I went you had already left.”

“How did you find us?” Violet asked.

“I had some help from a very strange book.” Justice Strauss. “The book told me about a secret organisation that was devoted to fighting the fires of the world.”

“VFD.” Sunny whispered.

“So, what did you do?” Klaus asked.

“I realised that finding you wouldn’t be enough, not with Count Olaf still around. But I knew that if I could gather VFD along with all the witnesses to his crimes, we could bring him to justice at last.” Justice Strauss explained.

“You’re putting Count Olaf on trial?” Duncan exclaimed.

“That’s why you invited everyone here.” Violet said, slowly.

“You’ve been helping us the whole time and we didn’t know?” Klaus asked.

“I wasn’t alone.” Justice Strauss said. “I spoke to Jerome Squalor about injustices in the financial sector, he’s sorry he let you down. Jacquelyn Scieszka provided notes and even though Jacques Snicket may be dead, his research lives on. I read about Captain Julio Sham and sent all my research to a bank for safekeeping. And here it is at last.” She reached into her briefcase pulling out a thick book with a black cover with gold embossed letters. “The Complete History of Injustice or Odious Lusting After Fortunes.”

“O.L.A.F.” Sunny said.

“We invited Olaf as well, and father Thursday he will be behind bars and all of your troubles will be over at last.” Justice Strauss said.

“Our troubles won’t be over until we find a home.” Klaus said, sadly.

“Well, my home could use some lovely, clever, talented children.” Justice Strauss said, kindly. “That us, if you can forgive me.”

“We’d love to live with you!” Klaus exclaimed.

“Do you really mean it?” Justice Strauss said.

“Of course.” Violet said. “If our friends could stay as well?”

“Oh, but of course.” Justice Strauss said, happily. “This night is different from all other nights because this sad story is finally over.”

She smiled, kindly at the six children sitting before her.

“It’s late. We should get some sleep.” She said, gathering her belongings and standing up. “But rest easy, children.”

The children all smiled at the older woman as she left, headed off towards her room.

“She’s right, you know.” Isadora said. “We should get some sleep.”

The other children nodded their agreement, drifting back towards the couches and trying to make themselves comfortable. The minutes passed slowly, ticking into hours as the children tried to rest.

“Are you awake?” Duncan whispered to Klaus, sitting up.

“I can’t sleep.” Klaus whispered back.

“Me neither.” Duncan said. “These sofas make terrible beds.”

“It’s not the sofas.” Klaus said. “There’s something bothering me.”

“Me too.” Duncan said.

“You guys are really loud whisperers.” Violet whispered, sitting up and facing the two boys.

“Oh, you can talk.” Quigley whispered.

“Whisper!” Sunny whispered, standing up on the couch.

“When I said go to sleep, I meant go to sleep.” Isadora said, sitting up and putting her hands on her hips.

“Sorry, mum.” Quigley said, rolling his eyes.

Isadora froze.

“Oh, god. I’m sorry.” Quigley said. “I didn’t think, oh, Isadora.”

He got up, making his way over to his sister and dropping onto the couch next to her, wrapping his arms around his sister. Isadora began to sob in her brother's arms as Duncan leapt over the back of the couch, joining his siblings in a hug. The three triplets sat that way, arms wrapped around each other before their peace was disturbed as Violet crashed into the side of their hug, Quigley letting out a cry as Violet crushed him. Klaus picked his way over, wrapping his arms around Duncan from the other side. Sunny, not to be left out, climbed onto the couch, seating herself on Isadora’s lap in the middle of the hug.

“This is really lovely.” Klaus said. “But I just figured something out.”

“Does your brain ever stop?” Violet asked, a smile on her face as she sat back, allowing Quigley to move.

“So we know who JS is and we know that everyone thinks they’ll be getting the sugar bowl but we don’t know why it’s so important or which brother put the lock on the laundry door.” Klaus explained.

“Yeah.” Quigley said.

“That’s the problem.” Klaus said. “Because Duncan and I were with one of them at three.”

“Okay.” Isadora said, slowly.

“And you and Sunny were with the other brother when the clock struck three.” Klaus continued.

“But so were Quigley and I.” Violet said, realising where her brother was coming from.

“Two brothers can be in two places, but they can’t be in three.” Duncan said.

“The Denouement brothers aren’t twins.” Quigley said.

“They’re triplets!” Isadora cried, sitting up straighter.

“I wish this hotel was actually a library.” Klaus said. “Then we could use the library catalog to find some answers.”

“Is there a library catalog number for mysteries?” Quigley joked.

“135. I already thought of that.” Klaus said. “But there is no room 135.”

“Oh, no.” Quigley began. “I was jok…”

“What it’s not a room?” Violet interrupted. “Remember when we stayed at that hotel, Klaus, years ago, before Sunny was born? We thought it would be fun to press a whole bunch of buttons at the same time?”

“Father said when you do that, you’ll never know where you’ll end up.” Klaus said, wistfully.

“So, let’s see where we end up.” Violet said, grabbing Klaus’s hand and pulling him over towards the elevator, the other four trailing behind the two eldest Baudelaires.

The elevator doors opened and the six children piled in, the three Baudelaire each pressing a number each as the elevator descended, lower than they thought the hotel would go.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Four

La Forza del Destino

“There must be a basement level.” Duncan said as the elevator continued to descend. Isadora took a deep breath, shutting her eyes as the elevator sank.

“It’s got to be below the basement level.” Violet said.

The doors slid open and the six children stepped out into a library.

“It must be a sub library.” Klaus said, looking around the room.

The children walked around, running their fingers over the spines of the books.

“Hey, this tea is still warm.” Isadora said, holding her hand over the steam.

“And someone was repairing a book.” Quigley said, pointing to the desk.

The children heard footsteps approaching and they all turned towards the sound.

“Kit, is that you?” A voice came. The man rounded the corner, revealing one of the Denouement brothers. “You’re not Kit.”

“And you’re not Frank.” Isadora said.

“And you’re not Ernest either.” Klaus said.

“Kit told me you were smart.” The man said. “My name is Dewey Denouement. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Why didn’t Kit tell us about you?” Violet asked, suspiciously.

“My existence is a secret.” Dewey began. “Which suits me fine, because my work is secret, too. Hotel Denouement isn’t just organised like a library, it is a library. Our volunteers are all over the place, observing the world and writing it all down in books. If you’ll follow me, please.” He turned to the other room, walking inside and rolling up the rug, revealing a trap door with the VFD eye clearly engraved on the top. He swung it open, showing a dark chasm.

“Not again.” Quigley muttered, grabbing Violet’s wrist.

Dewey climbed down the ladder and the children looked at each other.

“We’d better follow him.” Klaus said, stepping onto the top rung.

Isadora followed him, picking up Sunny. “Hold on to my shoulders, okay?”

“Is it dark?” Duncan asked, calling down to Klaus and Isadora.

“It’s dim, but there’s lights.” Isadora called back.

“Okay, I’m coming.” Duncan said, stepping onto the ladder.

“I’m so sick of this tunnel bullshit.” Quigley said, grabbing the top rung and swinging himself down.

Violet smiled sympathetically as she stepped down, shutting the trapdoor behind her.

Once all six children were down in the tunnels, Dewey led them along.

“Once our volunteers write their observations down, the books travel through a number of safe places and then end up here. The Last Safe Place.” Dewey said. “Since the schism, it has become more important than ever to keep our research catalogued and secure. While Frank and Ernest run the hotel, I do my work in the shadows.” Dewey pushed open a rectangular hatch, stepping through it.

The children followed him through, arriving outside the front of the hotel, along the edge of the pond.

“Here we are.” He said, grandly.

“Where’s library?” Sunny asked, her little arms crossed.

“Look below the surface.” Dewey said, pointing to the pond.

The six children raced to the edge of the pond, peering into the murky depths.

“It’s under the pond!” Duncan cried.

“It is a sub-library!” Klaus exclaimed, leaning over the pond and toppling forwards. Violet instinctively grabbed the back of his concierge uniform, yanking him back.

“What the hell, Klaus?” She said, helping him to his feet.

“I can swim.” Klaus said, a flush creeping up his face. “Thanks, though.”

Dewey smiled, softly before continuing to explain. “Our enemies could burn the hotel to the ground and our work would be safe. It’s a secret library.”

“Then why are you telling us?” Isadora asked.

“After Thursday, Kit and I are leaving VFD to raise our child.” Dewey explained. “The Last Safe Place could use a new sub-librarian. Or six of them?”

“You want to give us your library?” Klaus asked, his mouth falling open.

“I’ve read all about you, children.” Dewey began. “Violet, you’ve invented amazing things under severe pressure, imagine what you could do with time and resources.”

Violet’s eyes sparkled, before dimming as she realised what he had said. “Where did you read about us?”

“Klaus, your research skills are as good, if not better, than VFDs greatest librarians. You could use them for service in our greatest library.” Dewey continued.

Klaus blushed, fiddling with the hem on his sleeve.

“I’ve heard the most wonderful things about your cooking, Sunny. You should never underestimate the way that a good meal can change the world.” Dewey said.

Sunny smiled, showing off her sharp teeth.

“Quigley, I’m the short time I’ve been following your story, your mapmaking and navigation skills rival some of the professional submarine captains and pilots.” Dewey claimed.

“Wait, you’ve been following us?” Quigley asked.

“Duncan.” Dewey continued. “Your journalism skills are fantastic, imagine how much they could improve with the right guidance, and a library always needs a journalist.”

Duncan smiled, his hand instantly flying to his commonplace book, tucked into his pocket.

“And Isadora, I heard about your clever plan to escape from the Village of Fowl Devotees. If you can come up with couplets whilst being locked inside a statue, imagine what you could do in your own study.” Dewey said.

“Well, that’s lovely.” Isadora said. “But how did you hear about that?”

“After Thursday.” Dewey continued, ignoring Isadora’s question. “Count Olaf will be behind bars. You’ll need a new home, why not here?”

“Justice Strauss wants us to live with her.” Klaus said, defensively. “She promised to keep us safe.”

“And I’m sure she would.” Dewey said. “But you’re not children anymore, is being safe really enough?”

“Justice Strauss tried to help us.” Violet argued. “And your whole organisation knew about us, about what was happening to us and yet you did nothing.”

Dewey opened his mouth, but before he could say anything they were interrupted by a voice.

“Aha!” Count Olaf shouted. “I searched this whole bloody hotel for you, but you’re in my clutches at last.”

Violet instinctively pulled Klaus behind her as Quigley grabbed her arm. Isadora froze, leaning over and picking up Sunny, clutching the toddler to her chest. Duncan moved towards Klaus, grabbing his shoulder.

“We’re not in your clutches, you stupid bastard.” Violet shouted. “We’re standing by the edge of a pond.”

“Violet, always a pleasure.” Olaf said. “But. I’m afraid that the man next to you is one of my associates.”

“Maybe try again.” Quigley yelled.

“What’re you talking about?” Olaf muttered. “I’m sick of you, stupid orphans, hand them over, Ernest.”

“I’m not Ernest.” Dewey smirked.

“Well then, hand them over, Frank.” Olaf snarled.

“I’m not Frank, either.” Dewey said.

“What?” Olaf cried.

“I’m Dewey. Dewey Denouement.”

“What? No, you’re a myth.” Olaf cried.

“You're outnumbered, Olaf.” Dewey said. “This hotel is full of volunteers who arrived early. But where are you accomplices?”

“They're not going to be early.” A new voice came. “Being early is out, that’s why it’s called fashionably late.”

“Esme.” Klaus whispered.

“Who wants to see me hit a cakesniffer with a harpoon?” Carmelita cried, happily. “Countie said that if I hit a crow, he’ll teach me to spit!”

“Oh, you must be Ernest.” Esme said. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

“He’s not Ernest, he’s Dewey.” Olaf snarled.

“Dewey?” Esme said. “Like the unicorn? Oh, I do hope you’ll be coming to my cocktail party. I’m serving mushrooms.”

“The Medusiod Mycelium.” Isadora cried. “They’re going to poison everyone at the party!”

“With VFD out of the way , I’ll be able to steal both fortunes.” Olaf said.

“You’ll never do it, not without the sugar bowl.” Dewey said.

“Oh, but after Hooky stole my sub, I was overjoyed to hear that he had tried to pass it off to his volunteer friends.” Esme said.

The six children shared a look, all knowing that the sugar bowl was safe in Duncan’s pocket.

“Once we shoot that crow, we’ll retrieve the sugar bowl from the laundry room but the only problem is some pesky volunteer put a lock on the door.” Olaf explained.

“And then, I will finally have my sugar bowl.” Esme shrieked.

“It’s not your sugar bowl.” Dewey said.

“Beatrice stole it from me!” Esme yelled.

Violet flinched, glancing back at Klaus for a reaction. Klaus’s face twisted in confusion, before falling as he saw Violet’s guilty look.

“There are worse things in this world than theft.” Dewey said.

“There certainly are.” Olaf said. “Give us the codes to the lock, or this girl will harpoon you.”

“I’m not shooting any harpoons until you teach me to spit.” Carmelita cried.

“You will do as I say.” Olaf said, through gritted teeth.

“Teach me to spit!” Carmelita cried.

“Shoot the harpoon.” Olaf yelled, sticking his face close to the younger girls.

“Teach me to spit!”

“Shoot the harpoon!”

“Teach me to spit!”

“Just shoot the fucking harpoon.” Olaf yelled, spit flying from his mouth.

“Teach me to spit!” Carmelita yelled.

Olaf let put a frustrated cry, wrenching the harpoon gun from Carmelita’s hands.

“I will never teach you to spit!” Olaf yelled.

Carmelita began to cry, backing into Esme.

“You apologize to our darling little girl!” Esme ordered.

“She is not a darling little girl, She is a spoiled brat!” Olaf yelled and Carmelita began to wail. “I am tired of pretending to be a family. And I am so tired of having a girlfriend who is constantly undermining my authority.”

“How dare you!” Esme shouted, stalking towards Olaf.

“You never cared about me or my interests, you only cared about what was in and what is out!” Olaf yelled.

“Oh, I’ll tell you what’s in and what’s out!” Esme shouted, stepping close to Olaf. “Being constantly unappreciated by a man whose pant leg doesn’t even cover his ankle is out! Being stuck, playing second fiddle in a series of increasingly ludicrous schemes in increasingly remote locations is extremely out! Oh, and you're going to love this.” Esme snarled, shoving her face at Olaf. “Losing time and time again to six children. They’re not even old enough to rent a tuxedo and yet they beat you every damn time! That is the outtest thing of all!”

“Esme.” Olaf began. “You’re fired.”

“You can’t fire me!” Esme yelled “I don’t work for you.”

“Your damn right you don’t.” Olaf screamed. “I’m breaking up with you!”

“You haven’t heard the last of Esme Gigi Genieve Squalor!” Esme yelled, her voice breaking.

“Get out of my sight!” Olaf screamed and Esme turned around, putting her arm around Carmelita and stalking off. The six children tried to use this as an opportunity to escape, but Olaf turned around.

“Going somewhere?” He asked, pointing the harpoon gun at Dewey.

“Olaf.” He said, quickly. “Put the gun down, you’ve lost all of your associates.”

“I never needed them anyway.” Olaf said. “All I need is these children’s fortunes and the three phrases to open the VFD lock.”

“Even if you open it, you’ll find nothing in the laundry room.” Dewey said quickly. “The lock is a decoy.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday!” Olaf snarled. “You have until the count of ten!”

“Okay, okay.” Dewey said. “The first phrase is the medical condition that all three Baudleaires share. The second is the weapon that left you an orphan, Olaf. And the third is the famous unfathomable question in the best known novel by Richard Wright.”

“Great.” Olaf said, putting his finger on the trigger. “Now I can shoot you.”

“If you shoot him you’ll have to shoot me!” Violet cried, stepping in front of Dewey.

“My pleasure.” Olaf said. “You have until the count of ten.”

“Violet, what’re you doing?” Klaus cried.

Quigley stood out in front of Violet. “You’ll have to shoot me, too!”

“One.” Olaf said.

“No, Quigley, get back.” Violet said. “Let me do this.”

“Not going to happen.” Quigley said, standing this ground.

“Two.” Olaf said, menacingly.

“And me!” Isadora cried, standing in front of Quigley.

“You’re just sweetening the pot!” Olaf cried. “Three.”

“You’ll have to shoot me as well!” Klaus cried, stepping in front of Isadora.

“Four.” Olaf continued to count.

“Children...” Dewey began.

“If he shoots us, he’ll never get our fortunes.” Violet explained.

“There’s still two of you.” Olaf continued. “Five.”

Duncan quickly stepped out in front of Klaus.

“I don’t need the sapphires.” Olaf said, his voice shaking, slightly. “Six.”

Sunny silently stepped forwards, standing in front of Duncan.

“You have a choice.” Klaus said. “You can choose not to pull that trigger.”

“And you can choose death by harpoon!” Olaf cried. “Seven!”

The six children slowly began to walk towards Olaf.

“Eight.” He said, his voice small and his hands shaking.

The children continued forwards, slowly.

“Nine.” Olaf whispered, his voice barely audible.

“You don’t have to do this.” Isadora said, softly.

“It’s all I know how to do.” Olaf said, his voice breaking as the Baudelaires and Quagmires put their hands on the cold metal of the harpoon gun.

The hotel door swung open. “What’s going on out here?”

The children jumped, startled and Olaf let go of the harpoon gun. The unexpected weight made the gun slip through their fingers and time seemed to slow down as the gun fell towards the cobblestones. The gun hit the ground, a harpoon flying from the barrel. The children looked up, watching the harpoon as it found a landing spot. Dewey Denouement clutched at the long stem of the harpoon, embedded in his chest as he lost his balance, toppling backwards into the pond, his last word echoing into the night.

“Kit.”

“Dewey!” Duncan screamed and the children rushed to the side of the pond.

“Good god.” Cried the voice, belonging to Mr Poe. “That man’s been shot!”

“What do we do?” Isadora whispered, tears in her eyes.

“Orphans.” Mr Poe began. “You just shot that man with a harpoon gun. You’re going to wait right here while I get the manager.”

“That was the manager.” Violet said, her voice small.

The rest of the hotel began to erupt with noise, windows were being thrown open and people rushed down the stairs, their voices mixing and blurring in a cloud of astonishment and horror.

The children didn’t focus on the people mulling around, nor did they focus on the cacophony of voices. They focused on the sound of a roaring engine.

“Kit.” Quigley said.

The children stood up, rushing towards the driveway to meet Kit in her taxi. The door swung open, revealing a man in a light grey suit.

“You’re not Kit.” Klaus said.

“Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire.” The man said, before turning to the triplets. “And Quigley, Isadora and Duncan Quagmire. My name is Lemony Snicket.”

“You're Lemony Snicket?” Duncan asked.

“You look just like your mother.” Lemony said to Violet.

“I’m sorry, do we know you?” Violet asked.

“I know you didn’t shoot that man.” Lemony said.

“What can we do?” Klaus asked.

“You can get in my taxi.” Lemony said.

“Where’s Kit?” Isadora asked. “She was going to meet us.”

“I’m her brother.” Lemony said. “She sent me to help you, but I can only do that if you get in this taxi, right now.”

The children looked at each, debating silently what to do.

“Baudelaires! Quagmires!” Mr Poe called, from a short distance away.

“We need to leave right away.” Lemony said. “I’m on the lam.”

“So are we.” Klaus said. “Maybe leaving isn’t such a bad idea.”

“I’m not leaving.” Violet said. “I'm not leaving until Count Olaf is in jail.”

“We can’t live on the run forever.” Duncan said.

“It’s not that hard.” Lemony said. “You just have to evade the authorities, fake your death in an unreliable newspaper, and spend the rest of your days hiding out in a series of anonymous, interchangeable motels.”

“Sounds lovely.” Quigley said, sarcastically.

“It’s not fun, but it’s safe.” Lemony assured them.

“Children? Children, is everything alright?” Justice Strauss asked, hurrying towards the children.

The children turned around, giving one last look to the man in the taxi Bedford rushing towards Justice Strauss.

Justice Strauss wrapped her arms around the six children, holding them close.

“It was an accident.” Klaus said, his face buried in Justice Strauss’ coat.

“It was Olaf.” Violet said.

“Soon, you won’t have to deal with him.” Justice Strauss said, leading the children inside. “I’ll deal with all the people, you get some rest.”

Before Justice Strauss could usher the children into the elevator one of the managers appeared, holding Count Olaf by the collar.

“Lock him up until the trial!” justice Strauss ordered and the manager nodded, dragging Olaf towards a small cupboard.

Justice Strauss ushered the children into the elevator, taking them to a spare hotel room.

“She locked us in.” Klaus said, pulling the door handle.

“We probably deserve it.” Isadora said, sitting on one of the two beds, her head in her hands.

Justice Strauss had walked the children to their room, in silence before telling them to get some sleep and locking the door behind her.

“Dewey is dead because of us.” Duncan said, his voice empty.

“No, he’s dead because of Count Olaf.” Violet said, angrily. “And tomorrow Justice Strauss is going to put the bastard in jail, where he can rot, for all I care.”

“Olaf has fooled people before.” Klaus said. “How do we know he’s not going to fool the high court?”

“He’s guilty.” Quigley said. “He’s so fucking guilty, they can’t let him go.”

“Trickery.” Sunny said.

“He’s tricked people before, but we’ve always seen through it, if we can prove to Justice Strauss then she can prove to everyone.” Violet said. “He’s going to jail and we’re all going to sleep.”

“There’s only two beds.” Duncan pointed out.

“We can put these mattresses on the floor.” Klaus said. “Check under the beds, there might be extras.”

“There is.” Isadora said, kneeling beside the bed and peering under it.

Duncan knelt next to Isadora and the two of them pushed the mattress out as Quigley and Violet pulled the other mattresses to the floor. Klaus wandered to the closet, pulling out a spare set of sheets and quilts.

“Blanket fort?” Sunny asked, standing by a chair.

“To hell with it. Why not?” Violet asked, flinging her arms in the air.

The children dragged the chairs over, hanging the spare set of sheets over the three mattresses . The pillows and quilts were thrown in and the six children climbed inside. Sunny crawled under the edge of the quilt, curling up and falling asleep, instantly. The other children made themselves comfortable, lying down and closing their eyes whilst Violet sat at the opening, eyes on the door. The other four slowly fell asleep, Isadora sprawled next to Sunny and Klaus draped over Duncan. As the darkness slowly turned into light, Violet stayed sitting up, watching, just in case. Just in case Olaf gets out. Just in case the door wasn’t locked properly. Just in case the nightmares are worse than her reality. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice Quigley crawling up to her until he tapped her arm.

“Bathroom.” He whispered, pointing to the en-suite attached to the small hotel room. “Now.”

Violet sighed, rolling her eyes as she stood up, following the boy to the room. Quietly shutting the door behind her.

“What?” She asked.

“I said we’d talk about you and your… issue.” Quigley said. “And now we are.”

“Issue?” Violet said. “Because you’re totally fine.”

“Oh, hell no.” Quigley said. “I’m not fine. None of us are. We just need to sort out the ‘Violet sacrifices herself for everyone’ issue.”

“Could we do it, like not at 4am?” Violet said.

“Yeah, because you were sleeping.” Quigley answered.

“Okay! Fine.” She said, throwing her hands up in defeat. “What do you want?”

“You need to promise to stop doing that.” Quigley said. “You think it’ll be easier for everyone if you just let Olaf take you, and only you. Well, guess what, sunshine. It sure ain’t.”

“And where is all this wisdom coming from?” Violet asked, her eyebrows raised.

“You still haven’t promised.” Quigley said.

“Fine, okay.” Violet said. “I promise I’ll stop sacrificing myself.”

“Mm, you don’t mean that.” Quigley said.

“Yeah, yeah I do.” Violet said, unconvincingly.

“Look, I haven’t known you for very long but you don’t get kidnapped, abused and drugged with someone without being able to tell certain things about them.” Quigley said, sitting cross legged on the tiled floor.

“Okay, okay.” Violet said, sitting down opposite him. “I promise that I won’t sacrifice myself anymore.”

“Thank you.” Quigley said, relief obviously washing across his face. “Are you tired?”

“Yeah.” Violet said, lying back on the tiles, swinging her legs up against the shower door.

“So am I.” Quigley sighed.

“But, you don’t want to sleep, right?” Quigley said. “Neither do I.”

“It’s just, when you're asleep anything could happen, I mean Olaf could come back and take us again.” Violet said. “And we’d be defenceless.”

“Yeah.” Quigley said. “And it’s dark. Like the submarine.”

“And, it’s just like when you’re asleep your brain is hyperactive and you just get these like, flashback dreams, except everything’s different.” Violet said. “But even though it’s different it always ends the same. Olaf gets us, except we don’t escape and… well, you know the rest.”

“Unfortunately, yeah.” Quigley said.

They both fell silent, thinking about what could have happened.

“I really want to take a shower.” Quigley said, breaking the silence.

“Um, random?” Violet said.

“Don’t you? I mean it’s right there.” Quigley said.

“It’s like, three in the morning.” Violet said, taking her legs off the shower door.

“Yeah I'm going to.” Quigley said, standing up.

“Okay, bye then.” Violet said, standing up and reaching for the door handle.

“Wait.” Quigley said, pulling open the shower door, grabbing the shower head and twisting the tap. He pointed the shower head at Violet, soaking her. Violet clapped her hands over her mouth, silencing her cry of surprise so as not to wake her siblings.

“Oh, it’s on.” Violet whispered. “Silent water fight.”

Quigley grinned, as Violet found the plug for the bath, shoving it in and wrenching on the tap. She found a cup under the sink, filling it up and tossing it at him. In retaliation, Quigley pushed open the shower door, yanking the shower head as far as it would go, turning the stream on Violet, in her haste to get away, she slipped on the water on the floor, toppling backwards, still in her concierge uniform, into the full bathtub.

“Shit.” She said, quietly as Quigley tried to keep his laughter under control.

“Oh, you suck.” She said.

“You fell over and landed in the bath, it’s like movie stuff. It would be cruel of me not to laugh.” Quigley said.

Violet lifted her arm, swishing it through the water causing a wave of water to fly out, hitting Quigley.

“Okay.” He said. “It's payback time.”

“I’m already soaked, so do your worst.” Violet said.

Quigley grabbed the discarded cup, filling it to the brim with cold water and stepped into the bath, the water soaking his ankles. He leant over, dumping the cup over Violet’s head. Violet but her hand, trying not to scream as the ice-cold water dribbled down her back.

“Oh my god.” She said, slowly, before reaching up and grabbing Quigley’s shoulders and pulling him into the water.

He let out a cry as Violet forced him into the water, throwing back her head and laughing, their sleeping siblings forgotten. Quigley joined in, both children forgetting the terrible accident, the awaiting trial and the serious conversation they had both just had.

There was the sound of footsteps and the bathroom door creaked open, revealing their tired siblings.

“What the hell is going on?” Duncan exclaimed.

Violet and Quigley looked up from the tangle of soaked arms and legs.

“3am silent water fight?” Violet said, at the same time as Quigley answered. “Serious conversation?”

“Well, it started that way.” Violet said. “And then someone decided to turn it into a water fight.”

“I haven’t had enough sleep for this.” Isadora sighed. “Okay, you two, get out of the bath. Klaus, can you put Sunny back into bed, she needs to sleep.”

Violet and Quigley groaned, standing up and stepping into the tiles, dripping all over the floor.

“Okay, because the little six year olds couldn’t sleep and instead had a water fight.” Isadora said. “You can clean up all your mess.” She stalked out of the room, returning a few minutes later, towels in her arms. “And I don’t know what you’re going to wear.” She sighed, shaking her head, throwing the towels at them.

Violet and Quigley sheepishly wrapped themselves in some of the towels and dropped to their knees, using the others to dry off the soaking floor.

Isadora stuck her head back in the bathroom. “You’re in luck, Justice Strauss left us some clothes. You can get dressed once you’ve dried the bathroom.”

She left the room, crawling back into the blanket fort. “I’m never having kids.”

“Did they say what happened?” Duncan asked.

“Nothing other than what you heard.” Isadora sighed.

“I get the not sleeping thing, but this is weird, even weirder than when we kicked them out of the taxi.” Klaus said.

“Maybe they were just taking their minds off the whole ‘killing a guy’ thing?” Duncan suggested.

“Or maybe we’re reading into it, and it was just kid stuff.” Isadora said. “I mean, if it wasn’t three I’m the morning and, you know, certain situations, I would've been down for it.”

Violet and Quigley traipsed out of the bathroom, dressed in the formal clothes Justice Strauss had left for them, and crawled back into the blanket fort.

“Sorry.” Violet said, fiddling with the hem on her dress.

“Are you two okay?” Duncan asked. “I mean, we didn’t really talk about what happened back on the submarine.”

“I’m functioning.” Violet said. “But I’m not okay, none of us are.”

“But, was this anything significant?” Isadora asked.

“When Dewey said to us ‘you’re not children anymore’ it just made me feel…” Quigley said. “Because we are, we are children. Violet’s almost 15, we only just turned 14, Klaus is 13 and Sunny… you can’t say that we’re not children. And I get that he meant we’d been through a lot, but why can’t we just be children?”

Violet nodded, slowly. “I don’t want to be in charge of this library. I want to live with Justice Strauss and go to school, spend time doing normal kid stuff.”

“Okay, that’s it.” Isadora said, picking up a pillow. “Pillow fight!” she brought the pillow down, snacking Quigley in the face.

“What’re you doing?” He cried.

“You said you wanted to just be children, so let’s do it.” She said as the other smiled, picking up pillows of their own.

The six children forgot themselves, forgot their situation, their trauma, the anxieties of tomorrow and were just normal kids. Even if only for a little while.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Five

Justice is Blind

After their early morning pillow fight they slowly fell asleep, one by one. Sunny, exhausted from the day's events, fell asleep in the furthest corner. She was soon joined by Klaus, sprawled over one of the mattresses. Duncan lay down, tucked under Klaus’ arm as Isadora flopped down beside him. Violet and Quigley, talking in hushed voices, soon dozed off, slumped against each other.

A few hours later, Violet, ever the light sleeper, was awoken by a sudden tapping on the door.

She groaned, wiping sleep from her eyes as she sat up. “Who is it?”

“It’s Mr Poe.” Mr Poe called. “The trial is about to start.”

“Oh shit.” Violet cried, pushing Quigley’s head off her shoulder. “Get up, get up.”

“What?” Quigley asked, blinking in the bright light.

“The trial is about to start!” Violet cried, crawling over and waking up Sunny.

“Shit.” Quigley said, shaking Duncan’s shoulder. “You guys need to get dressed.”

Isadora sat up, groggily. “What time is it?”

“It’s get-ready-or-we’ll-miss-the-trial time.” Quigley said, wrenching open the closet door.

Isadora leapt to her feet, closely followed by Duncan and Klaus, rushing to the wardrobe.

“This one’s yours, I think.” Isadora said, grabbing a coat hanger and passing it to Duncan. “And this is Sunny’s.”

“That’s got to be mine, right?” Klaus asked, pointing.

“Yep.” Isadora said, pulling it out and handing it to Klaus. “And then this must be mine.”

Duncan and Klaus hurried to the bathroom to get changed as Isadora stepped into her jumpsuit and Violet helped Sunny into her dress. Violet and Quigley, already dressed, took Sunny out into the corridor to wait with Mr Poe.

“Sorry for the wait.” Violet said, politely. “The others will be out in a minute.”

“Well, in the meantime you can put on these blindfolds.” Mr Poe said, handing Violet six blindfolds made of silky black fabric.

“Why would we need blindfolds?” Violet asked.

“Haven’t you heard the expression, Justice is blind?” Mr Poe asked. “You have to wear a blindfold to enter a high court trial.”

“‘Justice is blind’ just means that justice should be fair.” Quigley said. “Not that we have to be unable to see.”

“The high court ruled that we should interpret the expression literally.” Mr Poe explained.

“Scalia.” Sunny cried, rolling her eyes, meaning, “how could you possibly be this stupid?”

“What my sister means.” Violet began. “Is that the literal interpretation makes no sense.”

“I don’t make the rules.” Mr Poe said. “I only follow them. Where are your siblings? We need to leave.”

The door opened and Isadora, Klaus and Duncan joined the others in the hallway.

“Here.” Violet said, passing Klaus three blindfolds before kneeling down to help Sunny put hers on.

“What?” Klaus asked.

“Don’t ask.” Quigley said, tying his own blindfold.

“Have we all got our blindfolds on?” Mr Poe asked.

“Yes.” Isadora sighed, tying hers up.

“Right.” Mr Poe said. “Someone grab my hand, we’ll form a chain.”

The children all felt around, trying to grasp someone’s hand.

“Oh, this is ridiculous.” Violet cries, ripping off her blindfold.

“Klaus, I’m giving you Sunny, don’t drop her.” Violet said, lifting up her younger sister and passing her to her brother. She grabbed Isadora’s wrist, pulling her over to Duncan. Isadora grabbed Duncan’s hand as Violet pulled them both towards Klaus. Klaus, Sunny in one arm, joined the end of the chain, grabbing Duncan’s hand. Violet dragged Quigley over to Mr Poe. “Sorry.” She murmured, as Quigley grimaced. Violet slid her blindfold back over her eyes, grabbing Quigley and Isadora’s hands. “Okay, let’s go.”

Mr Poe led the children clumsily down the corridor, bumping into side tables and stopping randomly, causing the whole group to hit into the person in front of them.

“It’s like the blind leading the blind!” Mr Poe remarked. “That’s an expression I just made up.”

All six children rolled their eyes under their blindfolds.

“You didn’t make it up.” Klaus said, through gritted teeth.

“This way to the elevator!” Mr Poe announced, completely ignoring Klaus.

Eventually, after more wrong turns and hitting into seemingly everything in the hallway they arrived at the elevator. Mr Poe felt around for the button, opening the doors and leading the children inside. He pressed the button on the panel that he assumed would take them to the foyer.

“You know, Baudelaires.” He began. “I’ve had my doubts about that man, Count Omar, since the time I first put you in his care.”

“Count Olaf.” Sunny corrected.

“And you didn’t do anything about it?” Violet asked, in disbelief. “He hypnotised Klaus!”

“He trapped Duncan in an elevator!” Klaus cried.

“He kept Isadora in a fish statue!” Duncan exclaimed.

“He drugged and abused Quigley!” Isadora cried.

“He married Violet!” Quigley cried.

“He kept Sunny in a birdcage!” Violet cried.

“He’s a stupid bastard.” Sunny said.

“Yes, well I’m sorry about all that.” Mr Poe said, dismissively. “But now we can put him in jail forever.”

The children didn’t bother to protest.

The elevator doors slid open and Mr Poe led the children out into the foyer. The foyer was bustling with cries of pain and the loud voice of Justice Strauss, directing people to their seats.

“Ah, Mr Poe.” Justice Strauss called. “To your left, and forward a bit.”

Mr Poe dragged the children forward, clumsily.

“Yes.” Justice Strauss instructed. “Right there.”

He stopped, suddenly, dropping Quigley’s hand. The children all let go of each other's hands, sitting down on the chairs.

“You may all remove your blindfolds.” Justice Strauss announced.

“We just put them on!” Klaus exclaimed.

“Don’t be silly, Klaus.” Mr Poe scolded. “Justice may be blind, but the evidence must be seen to be believed.”

“This doesn’t make any sense.” Isadora muttered, pulling her blindfold off.

“Ah, children.” Justice Strauss said. “I see you found the clothes I left for you.”

“They fit perfectly, thank you.” Violet said and the children all smiled at her.

“Please rise for the High Court judges.” Justice Strauss said, standing up.

“Why are they so high up?” Duncan asked, squinting to make out the figures a few floors up.

“We have to interpret their name literally.” Mr Poe explained.

The children looked at each other sceptically.

“Bring in Count Olaf!” Justice Strauss ordered as the audience sat back down.

One of the managers, that the children assumed to be Frank, moved towards the pantry door, unlocking it and pulling Olaf out. He dragged him over to a seat by the side of the stage as the authorities moved to block the exits.

“I submit to the court, The Complete History of Injustice or Odious Lusting after Fortunes.” Justice Strauss said, pulling out a thick book.

“Olaf.” Sunny murmured.

“Sadly, I must also submit this harpoon gun, which was used to kill one of the hotel managers last night.” Justice Strauss continued, lancing the harpoon gun on the bench. “The judges will now hear this case. I call forth our first witnesses, the Baudelaire and Quagmire children.”

The six children stood up, making their way up to the row of chairs sitting on the stage.

“Please state your names.” Justice Strauss said. “We know them, of course. This is just standard procedure.”

“Violet Baudelaire.”

“Klaus Baudelaire.”

“Sunny Baudelaire.”

“Quigley Quagmire.”

“Isadora Quagmire.”

“Duncan Quagmire.”

“Occupation?” Justice Strauss asked.

“Inventor.”

“Researcher.”

“Chef.”

“Cartographer.”

“Poet.”

“Journalist.”

“Children.” Justice Strauss said. “You have traveled a great distance and suffered a great deal, but you’re finally safe. We have gathered countless witnesses who are prepared to speak out on your behalf, but the most important testimony is yours and this time, we are promising to listen.”

“It began when our parents told us to take the trolley to Briny Beach.” Violet began, taking a deep breath. “We had the beach to ourselves and we were testing a new invention. We saw a figure in the mist, and it was Mr Poe.”

“He told us that our parents had perished in a terrible fire.” Klaus continued. “We then went to live with Count Olaf.”

“He hit Klaus.” Sunny added.

“He tried to marry Violet and he kept Sunny in a birdcage.” Klaus cried.

“We went to our Uncle Monty’s.” Sunny continued. “And Olaf found us.”

“He disguised himself as an assistant and poisoned Uncle Monty!” Violet exclaimed.

“He followed us to Lake Lachrymose and threw Aunt Josephine to the leeches.” Klaus added.

“We escaped, and found work at a mill.” Sunny said.

“Olaf found us and with the help of Georgina Orwell, he hypnotised Klaus.” Violet explained. “He tried to make him kill Charles.”

“We went to Prufrock Prep where we met Duncan and Isadora.” Klaus said.

“He disguised himself as a gym teacher and kidnapped Isadora and I.” Duncan said.

“He conspired with Esme Squalor, and threw us down an elevator shaft.” Violet continued.

“He auctioned us off, to sneak us out of town in a fish statue.” Isadora said.

“He locked us inside a fountain, to steal our sapphires.” Duncan cried.

“He murdered Jacques Snicket in the Village of Fowl Devotees.” Sunny said.

“He then blamed us for the murder, and we were almost burnt at the stake.” Klaus said.

“We barely managed to escape, trying to find refuge at the Heimlich Hospital.” Violet continued.

“He and Esme wrecked the library and took Violet.” Duncan said.

“He tried to cut off her head.” Isadora continued. “Then he set the hospital on fire.”

“We hid at Caligari Carnival.” Klaus continued. “Where he threw Olivia Caliban to the lions.”

“He burnt down the carnival and kidnapped Sunny.” Violet cried. “He then tried to drop us off a cliff.”

“We went to VFD headquarters and met Quigley.” Isadora continued. “But they were already burnt.”

“Violet and I climbed a frozen waterfall to save Sunny.” Quigley said.

“Olaf conspired with a Man With a Beard but No Hair and a Woman with Hair and no Beard.” Duncan continued. “He locked Sunny in a birdcage.”

“He kidnapped the Snow Scouts and Violet and Quigley.” Klaus said.

“He abused and drugged us.” Quigley said. “He kept us in the brig of a submarine.”

“He took Sunny again.” Violet said. “And kept her in another birdcage.”

“He and Esme forced Duncan, Klaus and I to go diving for the sugar bowl.” Isadora said.

“Duncan was infected with the Medusiod Mycelium, which he refused to help cure.” Klaus said.

“He tried to kill Fiona’s brother.” Isadora continued. “And only stopped when she traded him the world's most poisonous fungus.”

“He tried to lock us up again, we only got out when Fiona tricked Olaf, risking her life to save us.” Duncan said.

“I steered the submarine to shore, where we met Kit Snicket.” Violet explained.

“She sent us here.” Quigley said. “And Olaf killed Dewey Denouement last night, with the harpoon gun.”

“Everywhere we went, we tried to tell people who he was and what he was capable of.” Violet cried.

“But they wouldn’t listen.” Klaus cried.

“Nobody ever listened.” Sunny said.

“We lost everything, except each other.” Isadora exclaimed.

“We only survived because we believe that one day we’d find a safe place.” Duncan said.

“Where people would listen to us and believe us.” Quigley said.

“We’ve suffered so much, but the root of our suffering is one man.” Violet cried, standing up, anger rising in her voice. “That man. Count Olaf.”

“The world won’t be quiet or safe until he’s behind bars.” Klaus cried, standing up behind his sister.

“Thank you, children.” Justice Strauss said. “I’m so grateful for your courage. You may step down now. I had planned to call other witnesses, but your testimony was so compelling I’d hate to waste another second. I shall consult with my fellow judges, and if they agree I will declare these unfortunate events over at last.”

The children stepped down, back to their seats, glancing around the courtroom.

Klaus nudged his older sister, pointing towards Olaf. “Why does he look so calm?” He whispered.

“He shouldn’t be.” Violet whispered back. “Somethings wrong.”

“My fellow judges and I shall now retire to decide the verdicts.” Justice Straus said, standing up.

“Your honour!” Klaus called, standing up. “Wait!”

“Klaus.” Justice Strauss said,amounting shocked. “Do you have an objection?”

“What are you doing?” Isadora hissed, turning to face him.

“Justice Strauss says that our word is enough to convince the judges, but it’s never been enough to convince anyone before.” Klaus said. “And Olaf knows that.”

“They need to hear from someone else.” Violet said.

“Someone who knows all the wicked things that Olaf has done and who wouldn’t pass up the chance to speak in front of a crowd.” Klaus continued.

“You’re not suggesting we call him up, are you?” Quigley asked, in shock.

“It’s our only hope.” Klaus replied.

“I hate it, but he’s right.” Violet added.

“Is there a problem, Klaus?” Justice Strauss called.

“We’d like to call a witness of our own.” Klaus said, determination set in his face.

“The floor is yours, children.” Justice Strauss said, sitting back down.

“Thank you, your honour.” Klaus said, taking a deep breath. “We call Count Olaf to the stand.”

Justice Strauss gasped, before recovering herself. “Will the defendant state his name.”

“Count Olaf.”

“Occupation?” Justice Strauss asked.

“Actor.” Olaf smirked.

“Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?” Justice Strauss asked sternly.

“I’ve never told a lie in my life.” Olaf smirked, lounging on the chairs.

“That’s a lie!” Isadora shouted, standing up.

“You can’t prove that.” He teased.

“That’s literally the point of this trial.” Violet yelled.

“Ah, but I’ve always been honest about my desires, orphans.” Olaf began. “You, tortured and then dead and your fortunes in my hands. That’s more than the rest of these people can say.”

“What are you talking about?” Quigley yelled. “These people are here to help us.”

“Help you?” Olaf scoffed. “Look around! I see a banker who cares more about getting a promotion than your safety. A man who was too afraid to look after and next to him a woman who values paperwork over human life. I can see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school, rich people who only cared for you as you were in and villagers who only wanted you to complete your chores. The majority of the group, volunteers whose stupid codes and literary references are absolute useless against the treacheires of the real world. Oh and presiding over them all, and this is the best bit, a justice so naive she let me marry you, Countess, for a taste in the spotlight.”

“I’m not your countess!” Violet screamed, shuddering.

Olaf ignored her, continuing with his speech. “In fact, these so-called ‘decent people’ have done more to help me with my schemes than any of my associates. They should be up here now.”

“They’re not.” Klaus said, anger rising in his voice. “You are.”

“Yes…”. Olaf drawled. “But you’re up here too, orphans.” Olaf pointed to Quigley. “Tell me, on Mount Fraught what despicable act did you perform to rescue your sister?”

“We held Esme—” Duncan said, quietly.

“Louder, please.” Olaf said, sternly.

“We held Esme Squalor hostage—” Quigley began.

“And in order to reach VFD headquarters what did you help me do?” Olaf asked, his eyebrow raised.

“We burnt down Caligari Carnival, but—” Isadora began.

“And who caused the terrible accidents at Lucky Smells Lumbermill?” Olaf asked.

“I did, but I was—” Klaus tried to say.

“Right, and who stole Hal’s keys and broke into the library at Heimlich Hospital?” Olaf asked.

“I did, but only because—” Violet began.

“And who busted you out of jail in the town of VFD?”

“Me, but you were going to—” Sunny stammered.

“And, I suppose you all know who shot Dewey Denouement.” Olaf sighed. “For I was there. It was these six orphans, by the pond with the harpoon gun.”

The crowd gasped.

“Is this true?” Justice Strauss asked.

“It’s not the whole truth.” Duncan cried, desperately. “He’s twisting the facts.”

“And so are you.” Olaf accused. “You’re not the innocent orphans you’ve let these people think you are. You’ve lied, stolen, set fires and abandoned people. And time after time you have relied on treachery for survival, just like everyone else in this world. Because here is the real truth that no one is ever willing to tell you. There are no noble people in their world.”

“Our parents.” Klaus said, determinedly.

Olaf began to laugh, humourlessly. “I see your parents never told you about that night at the opera and the box of poison darts. Your Honour, I call Esme Squalor to the stand.”

Esme sighed, standing up and strolling towards the stand.

“Name?” Justice Strauss asked.

“Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor.”

“Occupation?”

“Single.” Esme said, clicking her tongue against her teeth.

Carmelita stood up, carrying a tray and began to make her way through the rows. “Try the sausages?”

Olaf began to speak again, drawing the children’s attention back to the trial. “Well? Don’t you have any burning questions? Any unsolved mysteries? Go ahead, ask away.”

“We, we, want to know why you're so obsessed with the sugar bowl.” Duncan asked, his hand moving to his pocket, instinctively.

“Ah, didn’t Violet and Quigley tell you?” Esme smiled, meanacingly as Violet and Quigley shrank back, gripping each other’s arms. “I thought that was one of the stories I told them.”

“Shut up.” Violet shouted. “Shut up, shut up.”

“Ah, we were at the opera and Beatrice was talking about—” Esme began.

“I said shut up!” Violet screamed, throwing her hands over her ears.

Esme began to laugh, throwing back her head as the audience began to cough and choke.

“Carmelita.” Klaus said, turning to Duncan.

“The Medusiod Mycelium.” Duncan gasped.

“Esme poisoned you all with a deadly fungus, it’s called the Medusiod Mycelium and the only cure is horseradish.” Isadora cried, facing the audience.

“How did you find it?” Olaf snarled, turning on his ex-girlfriend.

“I didn’t find the Mycelium.” Esme giggled, leaning back and inspecting her heavily manicured fingernails.

“Then why is everyone coughing?” Duncan cried.

“Oh, it’s probably the pepper.” Esme said, casually.

“You had a chance to poison this entire courtroom and you didn’t take it.” Olaf snapped.

“Oh, you people humiliated me so I made you eat crow!” Esme laughed.

The courtroom erupted in disgusted gasps, cries and the continuous sound of coughing.

“Oh, just drink some water and get over yourselves.” Esme said, rolling her eyes.

“The court will deal with you later, Ms Squalor. Sit down.” Justice Strauss snapped. “Now, Olaf you sit down too. Is there anything further you’d like to say to the court?”

“Only that I plead innocent.” Olaf grinned.

The six children gasped, grabbing each other’s arms and burying their faces in each other’s shoulders.

A bellboy ran up to Justice Strauss, handing her a piece of paper. Justice Strauss unfolded it, gasping as she read the contents.

“I'm so sorry children, but my fellow judges want to know how you plead.” Justice Strauss said, sadly.

“We’re not the ones on trial.” Klaus said, quickly.

“The trial is for Count Olaf.” Duncan explained.

“I don’t like it anymore than you do, but in light of the recent evidence I don’t have a choice. How do you plead, Baudelaires and Quagmires.” Justice Strauss said.

“We’re innocent.” Isadora said, firmly.

“Are you sure you can say that, after everything we’ve heard?” Olaf taunted from his box.

“You shut up.” Violet yelled, turning her tear stained face towards Olaf. “I never want to hear you say anything again, you fucking bastard!” She kicked out at her chair, turning to Quigley and sobbing into his shoulder.

“We’re innocent.” Isadora repeated.

“Innocent enough.” Quigley added, fear evident in his voice.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Six

When in doubt: turn to arson

“If you would all put your blindfolds back on, the judges will convene to reach a verdict.” Justice Strauss instructed.

The children sat back down, nervously waiting for the verdict.

“You too, please, children.” Justice Strauss said, kindly.

“I don’t want to.” Violet murmured.

“We have to, Vi, if we want to see justice be served.” Quigley whispered back, pulling his own blindfold out of his pocket.

“If we put them on, we won’t be able to see anything at all.” Violet argued.

“Don’t be silly.” Mr Poe, said his blindfold already over his eyes. “I’ll do it for you.” He reached over, patting Violet’s head.

“No, stop, no.” She pushed his hands away and slipped her blindfold over her eyes.

The children sat, nervously waiting for the verdict. They heard a muffled shouting and they all sat up straight, straining their ears.

“What was that?” Klaus asked.

“Justice Strauss?” Isadora called.

“Justice Strauss cannot reply right now.” A familiar voice said.

“She’s concentrating very deeply on this case.” Another familiar voice said.

Justice Strauss cried out, her voice muffled.

“She made that noise because she’s enjoying a piece of saltwater taffy.” The first voice said.

“Voices sound familiar.” Sunny said. “We have to look.”

“If we look, we’ll be in contempt of court.” Klaus said, nervously.

“But if we don’t, Justice Strauss could be in trouble.” Isadora cried.

Justice Strauss continued to make panicky noises.

“Fuck this court.” Violet cried, ripping off her blindfold.

The other quickly followed, pulling their blindfolds off, squinting up at the two judges many floors higher.

The Woman with Hair and no Beard and the Man with a Beard and no Hair were sitting in chairs, overlooking the whole court. Olaf was standing at the front with Justice Strauss, who was sitting in her chair, a rag stuffed in her mouth and the tip of a harpoon gun pointed to her forehead.

“The Baudelaires and Quagmires have taken off their blindfolds!” The Woman with Hair and no Beard cried. “They’re guilty of contempt in court!”

“Damn straight.” Quigley cried. “This court is worthless and dishonourable.”

“Two of those judges are working with Count Olaf!” Klaus cried.

“Nonsense.” The Man with a Beard but no Hair said. “Justice Strauss could tell you that we’ve been working with her for many years.”

“Obviously, she can’t tell you right now.” The Woman with Hair and no Beard said. “She’s just taken a vow of silence.”

Violet turned back to face Justice Strauss, her emotional state gone, replaced with anger and determination. “Justice Strauss, those judges are—” She trailed off as they saw Olaf drag Justice Strauss off the podium.

“Everyone, take off your blindfolds!” Isadora cried, turning to the audience. “Count Olaf has kidnapped Justice Strauss!”

Esme stood up. “Those brats are liars! Don’t listen to them.

“I believe them! They’ve experienced villainy before!” Babs cried, standing up.

“I don’t! They’re nothing but trouble!” Vice Principal Nero stated.

“They’re telling the truth!” One of the managers, possibly Frank, stood.

“Unless they’re lying!” The other, maybe Ernest, cried, standing beside his brother.

“They’re murders!” One of the elders from the Village of Fowl Devotees cried.

“They’re cakesniffers!” Carmelita shrieked.

“They’re brave!” Jerome shouted.

“They’re orphans!” Mr Poe cried.

Other familiar faces from the children’s lives began to stand up, shouting accusations or protesting the children’s innocence.

“Any who takes off their blindfold will be arrested by the authorities.” The Man with a Beard and no Hair ordered.

“You can’t trust the authorities!” Duncan cried, and the children spotted Olaf, dragging Justice Strauss towards the elevator. They took off, racing towards them.

“The orphans are running to the elevator!” The Woman with Hair and no Beard called and the audience began to fumble, tripping over their chairs and each other.

Klaus reached the elevator first, jamming himself into the gap between the closing doors, forcing them open as the other children followed him in.

“Going down?” Olaf asked.

“We’re going wherever you're going.” Violet said, determinedly.

“I’m going to the laundry room.” Olaf explained, counting on his fingers. “I have to retrieve that sugar bowl, then I’m going up to the roof to retrieve the Medusiod Mycelium, then I’m going back to the lobby to poison everyone and then I have to go black to the roof to escape the authorities.”

“You can’t retrieve the sugar bowl without the codes.” Klaus said, quickly.

“Sure I can.” Olaf said. “Dewey told me all the phrases before I shot him and for the answers I don’t know, I’m sure I can find them, in that stupid book.” He pulled the gag off Justice Strauss’ mouth, brandishing the harpoon gun. “Tell me or eat harpoon!”

“Never!” Justice Strauss gasped. “Children, help me overpower this villain and bring him to the lobby so justice can be served!”

Violet sighed. “Justice Strauss, the other judges are his associates, they’ll never put him in jail.”

“But I’ve known them for years!” Justice Strauss said, shocked. “They’ve always been very interested whenever I mention you children.”

Olaf laughed. “Of course they are, you fool. They’re on my side of the schism. That stupid trial was rigged from the start.”

“I failed you again, Buadelaires.” Justice Strauss said, sadly. “I’m so sorry.”

The elevator doors slid open and Olaf pushed Justice Strauss out of the elevator, the children hurried out after him, Violet with a tight grip on Sunny’s hand.

“The first code is the medical condition that all three Baudelaires share.” Olaf said.

“We’re allergic to peppermints.” Klaus said, slowly.

“Klaus, what are you doing?” Violet hissed.

“Every other noble person has failed us, why should we protect the sugar bowl?” Klaus asked, hoping they would catch onto his plan. They did. He knelt down, typing into the lock, P E P P E R M I N T A L L E R G Y.

“All right, get out of my way.” Olaf said, pushing through the children. “I know the answer to the next question.” He knelt beside the lock, typing P O Y—

“Those letters don’t spell anything.” Duncan interrupted.

“Spelling doesn’t count!” Olaf snapped.

“You want this sugar bowl or not?” Quigley asked. “Because if you do, I suggest you shut up and listen to my brother.”

Olaf rolled his eyes.

“Tell me the phrase and I’ll type it in.” Duncan sighed, moving towards the lock.

“The second phrase is the weapon that left me an orphan.” Olaf said, looking pointedly at Violet, who fidgeted, uncomfortably.

“I don’t know the answer.” Duncan said. “You're going to need to tell me.”

“Violet knows.” Olaf said, menacingly.

Violet shrunk back, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Poison dart.” Quigley said, quietly.

Duncan shot his brother a confused look, but turned to the lock and typed it in, P O I S O N D A R T.

“The third clue is the famous unfathomable question in the best-known novel by Richard Wright.

“That’s an interesting question.” Duncan said, leaning over to the lock.

“No one cares, just type it in.” Olaf snapped.

“Duncan, why are you doing this?” Isadora asked, in mock surprise, knowing full well the sugar bowl was safe in Duncan’s pocket.

“Because…” Duncan said, dramatically. “The sugar bowl isn’t in the laundry room.”

“Of course it’s here.” Olaf snarled. “I saw the crow get shot and I know that the sugar bowl fell into the vent.”

Duncan shook his head. “Dewey was right, the lock is a decoy.”

“Then where is it?” Olaf asked.

“That secret died with Dewey Denouement.” Duncan said, cryptically.

“Then, I guess he's not the only volunteer who will die by my hands. If I can’t get what I want, nobody will.” Olaf explained. “I’ll unleash the Medusiod Mycelium and destroy every single person in this hotel.”

“You’ll die with them.” Isadora pointed out.

“No, I’ll just push my boat off the roof and sail away.” Olaf said.

“You can’t sail a boat off a ten story building.” Violet explained. “The force of gravity would smash it to pieces.”

“Well then I suppose I’ll add gravity to the list of my enemies.” Olaf smirked.

Violet paused, in thought. “I’ll get the boat off the roof.”

“Violet, no!” Justice Strauss cried.

“What are you doing?” Quigley asked.

“Nobody is safe as long as Count Olaf’s here, we have to get him far away.” Violet explained.

“Let’s go!” Olaf cheered. “It’s time to poison this hotel.”

Before Olaf could take a step, Sunny said something.

“Burn down hotel.” She said.

“What did the little brat say?” Olaf asked.

“She said ‘burn down hotel.’” Isadora said slowly.

“Sunny! No.” Justice Strauss cried.

Olaf laughed. “The littlest orphan is following in my footsteps! I was a good guardian, after all!”

“You were a terrible guardian.” Violet scoffed. “Sunny doesn’t know what she’s saying.”

“Burn down hotel.” Sunny repeated.

“I was so busy planning revenge that I forgot to take time for my hobbies.” Olaf laughed, picking up jugs of ammonia. “I’ll just pour these flammable chemicals on these sheets.” He leant over, wrestling the book out of Justice Strauss’s hands. He twisted the caps on the jugs, pouring the ammonia over the piles of sheets, throwing Justice Strauss’ evidence in as well.

“What are you doing?” Isadora hissed.

“Flee.” Sunny said.

“Sunny’s right.” Klaus said, realising what his sister was talking about. “If we warn people about the fungus, they won’t listen.”

“But if there’s smoke, they’ll evacuate the building.” Duncan continued.

“They’ll be safe.” Isadora finished.

Olaf pulled a packet of matches out of his pocket, striking in against the side of the box and tossing it over his shoulder. The sheets instantly caught alight, the whole pile burning intensely. He grabbed Justice Strauss’ arms, pushing her towards the elevator. Isadora rushed ahead of him, pushing past and pressing all of the elevator buttons.

“What are you doing?” Olaf exclaimed. “If we stop on every floor, I’ll never have enough time to poison everyone.”

“That’s kind of the point, you bastard.” Violet spat.

“And now, we can warn everyone about that fire you set.” Isadora added.

“And we can save everyone!” Quigley finished.

“Only the ones who will believe you.” Olaf smirked.

The elevator doors slid open on the first floor. The foyer was bustling with people, still in their blindfolds, tripping over each other.

“The hotel is on fire!” Duncan yelled. “Get out!”

“A fire?” The Man with a Beard but no Hair said. “Olaf, you're finally thinking big!”

“There's no fire!” Olaf yelled. “The Baudelaires are trying to trick you whatever you do, stay where you are.”

“We're not lying! Can’t you smell the smoke?” Isadora yelled, going quiet as Olaf brandished the harpoon gun towards her.

“That’s just coming from the barbeque for the cocktail party!” Olaf shouted.

“Typical Olaf.” The Woman with Hair but no Beard said, shaking her head in disappointment. “Throwing a party instead of starting a fire.”

“After we tried so hard to set a bad example.” The Man with a Beard but no Hair sighed. “You have disappointed us for the last time.”

“I certainly have.” Olaf smirked

“You’re a disgrace to the legal profession!” Justice Strauss yelled, as the elevator doors slid shut.

The elevator continued up, stopping on every floor. Some of the floors were empty, but the children yelled out anyway, desperate to save everyone from the burning building. On the fourth floor, the doors opened revealing Mr Poe and Vice Principal Nero, blindfolds still over their eyes.

“Fire! Fire!” Klaus yelled.

“Klaus?” Mr Poe asked. “You shouldn’t add false reporting to your list of crimes.”

“Next they’ll be saying Count Olaf is here!” Nero scoffed.

“Count Olaf is here.” Isadora shouted, frustratedly

“This hotel is on fire, and if you don’t leave you’ll die.” Quigley shouted. “Take your blindfolds off and find the stairs!”

“Follow me.” Nero said, “I’m such a genius I’ll find the exit blindfolded.”

“It’s like the blind leading the blind!” Mr Poe cried.

The children could only watch as the doors slid shut, and Mr Poe and Vice Principal Nero were left flailing around.

The next stop, with people to warn, was the seventh floor. Jerome Squalor and Babs were standing there, involved in a conversation.

“Fire!” Violet yelled. “You have to evacuate!”

“Fire?” Babs shrieked, pulling out a paper bag and breathing heavily into it. “Oh, no, no, no!”

“I think the stairs are this way.” Jerome said, pointing down the left of the corridor.

“I think they’re that way!” Babs cried, pointing to the right.

“I don’t like to argue.” Jerome said. “Let’s compromise and just stand here.”

“No, Jerome, you have to evac—” Klaus began, being cut off as the doors slid shut.

Violet swore, silently praying that he would come to his senses and make it out.

The last stop, before the roof was the ninth level. Esme and Carmelita stood in the hallway, still in their matching pink suits.

“Esme, Carmelita.” Isadora cried. “The hotel is on fire, you have to get out.”

“Why should we listen to cakesniffers?” Carmelita cried.

“She’s right.” Esme said. “You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend.”

“No, seriously.” Olaf said, a big smile on his face. “It’s a big fire, I swear. Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room.”

“He’s lying!” Esme cried, “We’ll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves. At last! The sugar bowl is mine!”

The doors slid shut before the children could protest and the elevator continued up to the roof level.

“Well, this wasn’t my intention.” Olaf said. “But at least I got to start a fire.”

“The Fire isn’t burning quickly.” Isadora said, reassuringly. “People will escape.”

“It’s not burning slowly, either.” Duncan argued. “What if some people don’t?”

“I’ll save the Medusiod Mycelium for a rainy day!” Olaf announced, pulling out a knife and slicing through a beach ball, pulling the diving helmet out.

“If we didn’t do anything, Olaf would have poisoned everyone.” Klaus said. “What choice did we have?”

The building began to shake, slightly.

“The fire is weakening the structural integrity of the building.” Violet said, pulling out her ribbons and tying her hair back. “We have to go. Can someone pull that down?” She pointed to the sun shelter and Isadora and Klaus nodded, pulling it to the ground. “I’ll attach it to the oarlocks.” Violet grabbed the string, and tied it down, using the devil's tongue knot. “We can make a drag chute.”

“Baudelaires.” Justice Strauss said. “I know it seems like running from the law is the answer, but it won’t help.why, when I was your age I spent years as a horse thief before—”

The building shook again, silencing Justice Strauss.

“We’re running out of time!” Quigley called.

“Quigley, Isadora, help me tie this off.” Violet called. “Klaus and Duncan, can you get Sunny into the boat?”

They all nodded, stepping into the small boat and helping Violet.

“I’ll stand here and supervise.” Olaf said.

“Push the boat to the edge of the roof.” Violet ordered. “Or we’ll all die.”

“Fine.” Olaf said, rolling his eyes and stepping into the pool.

“Justice Strauss, come with us.” Klaus cried.

“No! It isn’t right!” Justice Strauss said. “You can’t run from the scene of a crime, come with me and we’ll explain everything to the authorities.” She leant over the pool, grabbing the side of the boat and pulling it towards her.

“They might not believe us.” Isadora said, sadly.

“Or they might be enemies, look at the high court.” Duncan sighed.

“That’s no excuse for running away!” Justice Strauss argued.

“Justice Strauss, the law isn’t always just, it isn’t always good.” Violet said.

“That may be so.” Justice Strauss said. “But I can still give you a home, I can keep you safe. I’ve been following you for so long and you’ve always been out of my grasp, but I have you now and I’m not letting you go!” She cried, desperately.

Sunny leant over the side of the boat, biting Justice Strauss’ hand. Justice Strauss let out a cry, pulling her hand back.

“We’re sorry.” All six children said, sadly as Olaf pushed the boat towards the edge of the roof.

Justice Strauss stepped back, a look of dismay and disappointment on her face as Olaf jumped into the boat and it fell over the edge. They all screamed, as the boat plummeted towards the water, gripping tightly to the edge of the boat. As it hit the water below, the children all looked back and watched the Hotel Denouement burn.

“It's a terrible Fire.” Isadora said.

“At least if any volunteers see it, they’ll know that the Last Safe Place isn’t safe anymore.” Duncan said.

“Oh. They’ll know more than that.” Olaf said. “They’ll know that I’ve won, that treachery has triumphed and that both sets of orphans are in my clutches at last.”

The children, too exhausted to argue, just picked up the oars and began to row. Row away from their latest mishap and towards the horizon.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Seven

Call me Ish

The sun was beating down and the sea was clear and still. The wind had died down long ago and the eldest five children were exhausted from rowing.

“I’ve triumphed!” Olaf cried, standing at the bow of the boat, the diving helmet full of Medusiod Mycelium in his arms. “I’ve burned down the Hotel Denouement, destroyed VFD once and for all, and the Baudelaire and Quagmire orphans are finally in my clutches! At last their fortunes are mine!”

“So you keep telling us.” Isadora sighed, looking up from where she was sitting to face Olaf.

“I think the first thing I’ll buy is a new car, since my stupid mentors took my old one. I want something with a big engine, so I can drive faster than the speed limit and ram into other cars, unsuspected.” He claimed. “Orphans, head to the nearest car dealership!”

“In case you haven’t noticed, fuckhead.” Violet snapped, dropping her oar. “We can’t head anywhere. The wind has died down and unless you want to take a turn rowing, we’re not moving because we have been rowing all night, and we are exhausted.”

“Laziness is no excuse.” Olaf said. “You orphans are the worst henchpeople I’ve ever had.”

“We are not your henchpeople!” Duncan scoffed.

“What is there to eat around here?” Olaf asked, ignoring Duncan.

“Nuts.” Sunny said, holding up a half eaten can.

“How dare you call me that!” Olaf snarled, knocking the can into the ocean.

“Well done.” Quigley said, sarcastically. “That was our only food.”

“I think you’re forgetting who the captain is.” Olaf snarled. “If you don’t do exactly as I say, I will break open this diving helmet, and then oh, you’ll be sorry.”

“So will you.” Klaus said, through gritted teeth. “If you release the Medusiod Mycelium, we’ll all be poisoned. We are literally in the same boat.”

“You think you’re so clever.” Olaf said. “Ever since you were orphaned, all you’ve done is complain and complain and complain. Well, while you were being whiny and useless, I have come up with a plan. We don’t have to just be stuck here in the middle of the ocean, on the Carmelita ll, because I, the handsomest, most talented, best at—”

“We get it, what’s your plan?” Violet asked, throwing her hands up in frustration.

“I am going to change the name to the Olaf!” Olaf exclaimed, pushing through the Quagmire triplets and Sunny, sitting on the floor and between Klaus and Violet at the rowing bench and leaning over the stern of the ship.

The children sighed.

“I read those tidal charts on the Queequeg.” Quigley said, “I bet I can chart a course back to the city.”

“I can create a compass. All I need is a piece of magnetised metal and a pivot.” Violet said, pulling out her ribbons.

“What do we do about Count Olaf?” Duncan whispered.

The six children looked towards Olaf, still bent over the back of the boat.

“Push.” Sunny said, a small smile on her face.

“We may not have a navigational compass, Sunny, but we still have a moral compass.” Klaus said. “We can’t just push a person overboard.”

“Not even Count Olaf?” Violet asked.

“As long as he’s around, nobody is safe.” Quigley agreed.

“It’s a terrible thing to do.” Duncan said. “Even to a terrible person.”

“What choice do we have?” Isadora asked.

Klaus sighed, and slowly began to move forward, Violet did the same. Just as they approached him, he turned around and they hastily backed away.

“Well, well, well.” Olaf said, menacingly. “It looks like the tide has turned and a storm is brewing.”

The children looked at each nervously.

“I meant that figuratively.” Olaf said, pointing behind the children to the front of the boat.

Just ahead, the sea was rising and the sky had turned a sickly grey. There was a clap of thunder and lightning struck, just in front of the boat. The children all screamed.

“You mean literally!” Klaus cried, as the waves began to swell around them.

“Klaus, we love that you're smart and shit, but now is possibly not the right time!” Duncan screamed, as the waves threw the boat around.

A wave struck out, hitting the boat and pulling it under.

The sun was beating down, as the children began to wake up.

“Klaus? Sunny?” Violet cried, sitting up first and rushing over to where her siblings and friends lay,reaching out and lifting Sunny to her feet.

“We’re okay.” Quigley said, sitting up, almost laughing. “We’re okay!”

“We survived, holy shit.” Isadora shrieked, happily. “We survived the storm.”

“Where are we?” Duncan asked.

“We’re on a coastal shelf of an island, surrounded by a seawall, I think.” Klaus said, brushing sand off his vest as he looked around.

“The storm must have washed us over it.” Isadora said.

“A lot of things have washed over it.” Violet said, pointing to all the junk lying around.

“Shit.” Duncan said, hurriedly looking around. “Oh, no, no, no.”

“What’s wrong?” Sunny asked, grabbing Violet’s hand.

“My jacket.” Duncan said. “My jacket’s missing.”

“We can get you another jacket.” Isadora said.

“No, the sugar bowl was in the pocket.” Duncan said. “I’ve lost the sugar bowl.”

“Fuck.” Quigley said, slowly.

“Yeah, fuck.” Violet said, panic rising in her voice. “Oh, god. What was it even good for? Wasn’t it just sugar? It doesn’t matter, does it?”

“It had to be important, if VFD split up over it.” Isadora said.

“But why sugar?” Duncan asked. “Oh, shit. What’re we going to do?”

“Guys.” Sunny said, tugging on Violet’s hand.

“There’s nothing we can do.” Klaus sighed. “It’s lost in the storm.”

“But stuff gets washed up, maybe we’ll find it?” Quigley suggested.

“Guys!” Sunny cried, more insistently this time, pointing towards Olaf’s body.

“Fuck.” Isadora said and the children raced towards him.

Olaf was lying on the sand, his eyes shut.

“Do you think he’s…” Klaus asked.

“I’ve never seen him look so...calm.” Duncan said.

Violet leant down, preparing to place her fingers on his neck, to search for a pulse.

He suddenly sat up, causing the children to gasp and leap back, spitting water out of his mouth and coughing.

“Get me a coffee, orphans!” He cried. “I’ve had a very rough night.”

“We're on a coastal shelf.” Klaus said, his face betraying his frustration. “There is no coffee.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Olaf scoffed. “There’s an espresso maker right over there. It’s next to that girl in the robe.”

The children looked to where he was pointing, to see a small girl with dark skin and short hair wearing a white robe.

“Castaways!” The girl cried.

They raced over.

“Don’t be afraid.” Violet said, carefully, seeing the girl’s frightened face. “I’m Violet Baudelaire, and this is Klaus, Sunny, Isadora, Duncan and Quigley.”

“What’s your name?” Klaus asked, giving the girl a reassuring smile.

“Friday.” The girl said, quietly.

“That’s a very nice name.” Isadora smiled. “Are you a castaway too?”

“I live on the island.” Friday said, a small smile growing in her face.

“Ha! I’ve discovered an island!” Olaf cried, following the children towards Friday. “I’m going to name it Olaf-Land.”

“Oh, for fucks sake.” Violet cried, turning on him. “You haven’t discovered it, there are already people living here.”

“I bet they’ll worship me as their king!” Olaf cried. “Bow before me, Friday.”

“No, thanks.” Friday said, shooting a glare towards Olaf.

“No? You have to obey me!” Olaf shouted, angrily. “I already have six subjects, these orphans and their fortunes.”

“Oh, piss off.” Quigley cried. “You don’t own anyone on this island and you don’t own us or our fortunes.”

“Hmm, not yet.” Olaf smirked. “I have the perfect scheme to—”

“I swear, one more fucking scheme.” Isadora shouted.

“Do you think you could take us to your colony?” Klaus asked.

“Do I have to take your friend?” Friday asked.

“Oh, he is not our friend.” Duncan scoffed.

“They’re my subjects.” Olaf said. “Take me to your leader.”

The six children rolled their eyes.

“I can take you to our facilitator, but he is not going to like you.” Friday said.

She gestured for the children to follow her, leading them down the sandbank.

“It's a storm scavenging day.” She explained. “After a storm, we collect everything that washes up and we bring it to Ishmael.”

“Ishmael?” Klaus asked.

“Our facilitator. He’s very old and can’t stand up, anymore. But, he helps us decide what to keep and what to throw away.” Friday explained.

“You wouldn’t have found a jacket, would you?” Duncan asked, before leaning in and lowering his voice. “With a sugar bowl in the pocket?”

“Or a diving helmet?” Isadora asked. “It’s crucial that we find it.”

“No, sorry.” Friday shrugged. “But one of the other islanders might have, you can ask them, if you want.”

The children followed Friday around the sandbank that seemed to stretch out forever.

“You call this a colony?” Olaf smirked. “It’s just a bunch of yutzes!”

“You mean yurts.” Klaus sighed. “And they're tents.”

“I don’t know, they seem pretty relaxed to me.” Olaf smirked.

The children rolled their eyes, biting back retorts, as they entered a large tent.

Inside, a plethora of people were crowding around a bearded man, sitting in a cane chair. They were all wearing the same white robe, rope tied around their waists.

“What did you find after the storm, Alonso?” The bearded man, presumably Ishmael, asked.

“I found a birdcage.” Alonso said. “It’s pretty big, so I’m guessing it was used for big birds, like eagles.”

Recognising the birdcage, Sunny gripped Violet’s hand.

“Well, we don’t have any birds on the island.” Ishmael said. “So I’m not sure we’d have a use for a birdcage. If I were you, I’d throw that useless thing away, but I won’t force you.”

Alonso nodded, picking up the birdcage and movingly to the back of the tent.

“Did anyone else find anything interesting?” Ishmael asked.

“I found some castaways!” Friday called, leading the children and Olaf into the tent.

The islanders turned their attention to the six children, their eyes boring holes into their backs as the children walked towards the bearded man.

“This is our facilitator, Ishmael.” Friday explained, gesturing towards the man.

“Oh, call me Ish.” He said.

“I’m Isadora Quagmire and these are my siblings, Duncan and Quigley.” Isadora said, pointing to each person in turn. “And these are the Baudelaires, Violet, Klaus and Sunny.”

“This man is a threat to everyone here.” Klaus explained, pointing towards Olaf

“You!” Ishmael cried, as Olaf stepped through, to the center of the tent.

“I claim this island, and those children in the name of Count Olaf!” Olaf cried, waving his dirty hands in the direction of the children. “Now, get off my throne.”

Ishmael sighed. “I’d prefer not to. I’ve never heard of a ‘Count Olaf.’”

“Anyone, who is not a bearded old coot on a desert island,” Olaf began, through gritted teeth, “knows that Count Olaf is very famous in many prominent theatrical circles.”

“Yes, actually.” Ishmael said, a smile growing in his face. “Now that you mention it, I did see that name in a review that washed up. It said, ah what did it say? Oh, that’s right, yes, it called him a ham.”

“Lies!” Olaf hissed.

“A tedious blowhard.” Ishmael added.

“Slander!” Olaf cried.

“A preening, prancing idiot, whose worst crime is not any of a long list of murders, arsons, and multiple charges of child endangerment, but the unbridled arrogance to play a part for which he was thoroughly unqualified.” Ishmael continued, counting on his fingers. “Embarrassingly unconvincing and at least several decades too old.”

“Now you look here!” Olaf cried, reaching behind him and grabbing the harpoon gun from the small table. “You may be the big kahuna on this rinky-dink island, but I’m the guy holding the harpoon gun.”

The children stepped back, Violet holding her arms out over the others protectively, only to be swatted away by Quigley who shot her a ‘what did we talk about?’ look.

“For now.” Ishmael said, calmly.

“For now?” Olaf asked, nervously.

“You can shoot me if you like.” Ishmael offered.

“I’d like that a lot.” Olaf said, brandishing the harpoon gun.

“But, you can’t shoot all of these fine people.” Ishmael said, gesturing to the island folk, crowding nervously in the tent.

Olaf scoffed. “What are a bunch of hippies in robes gonna do?”

Ishmael tapped his stick on the ground and the islanders crowded around Olaf, glaring menacingly.

“Henchpeople, do something!” Olaf cried, nervously.

“Oh, you don’t have any henchpeople.” Klaus said. “They all abandoned you.”

“That’s right!” Olaf cried, trying to make up for his blunder. “How about we compromise? I’ll keep the children and you can have the island?”

Ishmael tapped his walking stick again and the islanders crowded Olaf even more, still glaring at him.

“Okay, okay, maybe we can—” Olaf began, before shutting up as he turned around, making a break for the exit.

Sunny saw what he was doing, stepping forward and stuck out her small foot. Olaf tumbled over, falling to the sand. The Islanders grabbed his arms, yanking him to his feet and holding him in place.

“Ow!” Olaf cried, trying to wrench his arms away, but the Islands held tight.

“Actually, Alonso.” Ishmael said, a grin forming on his face as he came up with an idea. “I think we might have a use for that birdcage after all.”

The birdcage was brought forward, and the Islanders forced Olaf into it, locking the door.

“What kind of monster stuffs someone into a birdcage?” Olaf cried.

The children shot him an indignant look.

“What are you looking at, pipsqueak?” Olaf snarled, after Sunny’s gleeful gaze lasted a little too long.

“Karma.” Sunny said, a smile on her face.

“Take him to the Seawall!” Ishmael ordered. “We have no room for bad apples here!”

A look of recognition crossed Olaf’s face. “Bad apples.” He murmured to himself, before crying out. “Wait! Children, you can’t let these people take me away! Not when I know secrets about—”

Olaf’s voice was cut off as one of the women stuffed a rag into his mouth. The island folk lifted the cage, placing it on a small trolley before dragging it out of the tent. Ishmael turned to the six children.

“So, tell me.” He said. “How did six children like you, come to be shipwrecked with a man like that?”

“It’s a long story.” Violet sighed.

“Extremely long.” Klaus agreed.

“27 chapters.” Sunny said, nodding.

“But it’s not over yet.” Quigley added.

“We have to get back.” Isadora explained.

“Is there a way off this island?” Duncan asked.

“That depends on how you look at it.” Ishmael, rather cryptically.

Ishmael, sitting on a sled that was being pulled by a few of the island’s sheep, showed the children around the island.

“The seawall shelters us from storms.” He explained, pointing at the sharp rocky outcrop that led around the entire island. “But, I’m afraid sailing over those rocks, that’s nearly impossible.”

“So we’re stranded?” Duncan asked, slitchtly panicky.

“Not quite.” Ishmael added. “You see, once a year, the tide rises high enough to launch a boat by sailing it through the lowest point in the wall. We call it Decision Day, and it just so happens to be tomorrow. We have an outrigger, see that large canoe? standing by, in case anyone wants to leave, but nobody ever does.”

They continued around the island, Ishmael pointing out the different sights.

“There's the rest of our sheep.” He explained, pointing to a flock of sheep. “They were shipwrecked here, too. We use their wool to make our robes and our tents.”

“Everyone’s so…happy.” Isadora said. “It’s kind of nice.”

Ishmael gave the children a reassuring smile as Friday and another woman, presumably her mother, came up to them.

“You must be exhausted from the storm.” The woman said, smiling, friendly at the children. “We’ll get you some fresh clothes. But in the meantime, you should head to the cooking tent. Alonso’s making ceviche!”

“What are you making?” Sunny asked, interestedly.

“Ceviche!” Alonso said.

“Isn’t ceviche a South American dish made from raw seafood, marinated in citrus and spices?” Klaus a,sled.

“Normally.” Alonso laughed. “But we don’t have citrus fruits or spices on the island, so ours is just plain raw fish.”

“Fire?” Sunny asked.

“My sister wonders why you don’t use fire to cook.” Violet asked.

“Lamb.” Sunny added.

“Or eat the sheep. Sorry, she recently became interested in cooking.” Violet continued.

“Fire is one of the most dangerous things in the world.” Ishmael said, his words sounding oddly like a threat.

“We wholeheartedly agree.” Duncan said, after a moment's silence.

“How did so many people end up on the island?” Quigley asked, tactfully changing the subject.

“I took a cruise when I was pregnant with Friday.” The woman who offered them new clothes said, confirming that she was Friday’s mother. “The ship hit an iceberg and I washed up here.”

“I got caught in a tempest.” One man offered.

“I got caught in a manatee accident.” Another woman said.

Isadora’s face shifted, slightly, as she thought about what Fiona had said about her own mother.

“Don’t you miss your old lives?” Duncan asked.

“I can barely remember my old life.” Friday’s mother said, slowly. “It’s fuzzy, like a dream.” Her face contorted in confusion.

We have a motto on this island.” Ishmael said. “Forget your troubles!” His words sounded rather ominous.

“Care for a drink?” Ishmael held out six hollowed out coconuts, full of liquid. The children each took one, gratefully, taking a sip, thirsty from the heat.

Just as quickly as they had drunk it, the children quickly spat it back out.

“It’s a cordial, made of fermented coconut.” Ishmael explained.

“I’m not sure we...like the taste.” Isadora said. “Do we have to drink it?”

“Well, I won’t force you.” Ishmael said. “But we don’t have fresh water here, so if you don’t drink it, you might die of dehydration.”

The children all shared looks.

“Well, Ishmael—” Klaus began.

“Oh, call me Ish.”

“Are you sure we’re safe from Count Olaf here” Klaus continued.

“He could escape the cage and find the harpoon gun—” Isadora said.

“Or something worse.” Duncan said, morbidly.

“You don’t have to worry about that.” Ishmael said reassuringly. “We send all the dangerous items to the other side of the island so they can't hurt anyone. As for Count Olaf, well we've placed his cage by the seawall, and tomorrow, when that seawall floods, Count Olaf will drown.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Eight

Can fortunes be used for therapy?

“He’ll drown?” Duncan clarified, unsure if he had heard the seemingly peaceful facilitator correctly. “Isn’t that, a little cruel?”

Ishmael shrugged, his face passive. “That depends on how you look at it.”

The children looked at each, apprehensively.

Friday’s mother approached the children.

“How about those clothes, huh?” She said, smiling gently at the children.

The children nodded and Mrs Caliban led them out of the cooking tent, and towards another one.

“Comfy!” Sunny said, happily, as Violet tied the rope around her waist.

“These robes may be comfortable, but I’m not comfortable leaving Olaf to drown.” Klaus said sitting back on the bench.

“Okay, so I know this is a serious occasion, but that was nice wordplay.” Quigley said, only to be elbowed by his sister.

“We’re not the ones doing it.” Violet said, rolling her eyes.

“We’re not stopping it either.” Duncan argued, seated beside Klaus.

“With Count Olaf gone, we’d be safe to go wherever we wanted.” Violet argued. “And we can do what we want.”

Quigley nodded his agreement. “We’ve been in the run a long time, and I’m exhausted.

“Ishmael did ‘say forget your troubles.’” Isadora sighed. “Maybe it’s time to start.”

For dinner, the islanders all ate in the big tent. Seated on stools with wooden covers, Alonso served his ceviche and they all sat, clutching a hollowed out coconut and a dull wooden spoon.

“Flavourless ceviche isn’t the most exciting meal.” Alonso said, tipping the colourless mush into the bowls. “But, you haven’t lived until you’ve had seafood fresh from the ocean!”

The children smiled, slightly unsurely. The islanders fell into a comfortable silence, filled only with the quiet noises of eating.

“Have you considered building a water filtration system?” Violet asked, placing her bowl on her lap and sitting up, rather professionally.

Ishmael frowned, worriedly.

“A water what-now?” One of the islanders asked.

Not noticing Ishmael’s disapproving glance, Violet continued to explain. “A water filtration system. It’s a device that separates salt water into fresh water and salt.”

The islanders listened in interest, nodding along with Violet’s suggestion. Her siblings and friends looked on proudly but Ishmael’s face was growing more and more worried.

“You could drink something other than coconut cordial, and then you’d have salt to season your food.” Violet explained.

“Hey, that’s a good idea!” Alonso agreed.

“To our newest castaways!” Ishmael said, quickly, raising his coconut cordial in a toast. “To the Baudelaire and Quagmires orphans!”

“To the Baudelaires and Quagmires!” The islanders cheered, raising their drinks and taking a sip.

Unnoticed by everyone, Ishmael lowered his head, only pretending to drink.

“I suggest we all retire.” Ishmael said. “Get a good night’s sleep before Decision Day.”

The islanders all nodded, standing up and collecting their things.

“I feel a storm coming on.” Ishmael announced, turning to the children. “Storms blow in suddenly around here.”

The islanders all left, the children trailing out behind them.

“Actually, Violet, would you stay?” Ishmael called.

The children all stopped, turning back to face the man.

“Just Violet, please.” Ishmael said, realising the others weren’t going to leave.

“Yeah, no.” Quigley said. “You get all of us, or none of us.”

Ishmael sighed. “You had an idea for an invention, Violet?”

Violet nodded. “A water filtration system. It wouldn’t be too hard. I could build it with the items that have washed up.”

“But what if our stomachs couldn’t tolerate fresh water after drinking nothing but coconut cordial?” Ishmael asked. “What if we started fighting over what to drink in the first place?”

“I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?” Violet asked, taking a small step back.

“People here had hard lives before they found this island.” Ishmael continued. “They stay because it’s safe and they trust me to keep it that way.”

“It was just an idea.” Violet said, her brow furrowed in confusion.

‘Yes, but ideas lead to more ideas, which lead to arguments which lead to schisms.” Ishmael explained.

The children froze, sharing a quick glance, he couldn’t be referring to the VFD schism, could he?

“You remember what got you stranded where to begin with. Don’t rock the boat.” Ishmael said, his words echoing.

Violet nodded, slowly, turning back to the others and they hurried out of the tent.

The six children spent the night in one of the island's spare tents. The summer air was warm and blew lazily through the opening. They briefly discussed plans and whether they were going to leave or stay. They were divided on the topic, and in an effort to not fight, their topics drifted to less-serious matters.

“What do you think he puts in that coconut cordial?” Duncan asked, his head resting on Klaus’ shoulder.

“Disgusting.” Sunny said, sticking out her tongue.

Violet grinned, leaning over the camp bed to pick up her younger sister and place her in her lap. “Don't you like it, Sunshine?”

“I could make a better drink than him.” Sunny huffed, folding her arms over her chest. “And raw fish is yucky. Surely there’s something he can cook with.”

“Sunny’s going to be the best chef.” Isadora smiled, proudly.

“Better than Alonso.” Sunny shrugged, causing the others to laugh.

“Mhm.” Klaus said thoughtfully. “Do you guys ever think about the future?”

“In which way?” Quigley asked, pressed in between Violet and Isadora.

“Like, adulthood.”

“If we’re being honest.” Violet said, quietly. “There’s times I didn’t think I’d make it to adulthood.”

“We should have a counselling session.” Isadora said. “Right now.”

“Now?” Klaus asked.

“Yeah.” Isadora said. “We’ll go around the circle. Let’s talk about Violet’s suggestion first: have there been times when you thought you were going to die?”

“I’ll start.” Duncan said. “And yes. On the Queequeg, when I was infected with the Medusiod Mycelium.”

“I mean, not directly, but I guess being hypnotised at the mill was pretty dangerous.” Klaus said, adjusting his glasses.

“Well, obviously in the fire, but also when Olaf kidnapped us.” Quigley said, slowly.

“Uh, when he tried to cut off my head and then, you know, the submarine.” Violet said, quietly.

“Birdcage.” Sunny said, simply.

“When Olaf dropped us off the cliff.” Isadora said.

“Oh, god.” Violet sighed. “Our lives are shit.”

“Think we can get our fortunes a little earlier? Get some proper therapy?” Duncan asked.

“On an island in the middle of nowhere, whilst we’re on the run from murder and arson?” Klaus asked. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“This is actually good though.” Quigley said, turning to Isadora. “Therapist, what next?”

“Ha ha.” Isadora deadpanned.

“I’ve got one.” Violet said. “Fears.”

“Small spaces.” Duncan answered, quickly. “And pitch black darkness.”

“Elevators.” Isadora said.

“This is oddly specific but for obvious reasons, submarines.” Quigley said. “And, needles.”

“Optometrists.” Klaus said. “And probably sailing, by now.”

“Hospitals.” Violet said, flinching slightly. “Marriage.”

“Heights.” Sunny said.

“When we get out of here.” Isadora said. “We’re going to buy an apartment, on the ground floor and just hide in there forever.”

“Yes please.” Sunny grinned, jumping off Violet’s lap and walking over to Isadora.

Klaus smiled, softly. “Okay, good things to come out of this.”

“What?” Duncan asked, sitting up straight to look Klaus in the eye. “Did you say good things?”

Klaus nodded. “Hear me out, if this hadn’t all happened, then we would never have met.”

“Okay. But this is a judgment free therapy session.” Isadora said, turning red. “Fiona.”

Everyone smiled.

“I said no judging!” Isadora cried, kicking out at her brothers.

“No, it’s sweet.” Quigley yelped, lifting his legs to avoid Isadora’s wrath.

“What’s yours?” Isadora asked. “And don’t say Violet, ‘coz that’s just mushy.”

“You just said Fiona!” Quigley cried, defensively.

“Yeah, but Fiona’s not here right now.” Isadora sighed, rolling her eyes.

“The Mortmain Mountains were lovely.” Quigley said.

“Very lovely indeed?” Violet grinned, elbowing him.

“Nah, you loved it.” Quigley smiled back.

“Get a room.” Sunny muttered, shaking her head.

They all cracked a smile.

“Well.” Isadora said, pushing Violet and Quigley off her bed. “This has been fun, but I’m really tired.”

“We should have someone keep watch.” Violet said. “There’s something up with this Ishmael guy.”

“And let me guess.” Quigley said. “You want to do it.”

“Well, I’m the oldest so…” Violet said.

“Yeah, I think we talked about this, Violet.” Quigley said. “You’re not doing it.”

“No, I want to.” Violet said.

“You want to get no sleep?” Quigley asked, sceptically. “You can’t fool us, we know you’ll stay overtime.”

“We can do it.” Duncan offered, nudging Klaus, who quickly nodded.

Violet opened her mouth to argue, before Isadora slammed a hand over her mouth.

“Nope.” She said. “Go to sleep, Violet.”

Violet sighed in defeat, sitting down on one of the beds and pulling off her shoes as Klaus and Duncan moved to sit in the doorway. “But, you guys have to wake me up halfway through.”

They all nodded their agreement, moving towards the beds and settling down, falling into a restless sleep.

“What do you think Ishmael meant by ‘don’t rock the boat?’” Isadora asked.

The sun was shining down as the six children crossed the sand. The sky was blue and the ocean was still. After hushed discussions, late at night and in the early hours of the morning, they still hadn’t decided whether they were going to leave or stay.

“The expression means to not do anything that might cause trouble.” Klaus explained.

“But Ishmael is trouble.” Violet said.

“Are you doing Ishmael?” Quigley smirked, receiving a face full of sand after Violet’s surprisingly accurate kick.

“But seriously, we have to leave.” Isadora said.

“And go where?” Duncan asked.

“I mean, it’s not like we have a home waiting. It’s not like we have a home anywhere.” Klaus agreed.

“Justice Strauss?” Sunny asked.

“She said that before we burnt down the hotel and ran away.” Duncan sighed.

“Would you rather stay here?” Violet asked. “Where there’s nothing to read, invent, cook, write about, poetry or otherwise, and map?”

“No! I don’t know.” Klaus cried. “It’s just, I’ve been trying to remember our life with our parents, but it’s all fuzzy, like a dream.”

“It’s normal for memories to fade over time.” Quigley said, shaking sand out of his hair.

“But, I can barely even remember what their faces looked like.” Klaus cried. “Why did they keep all these secrets from us? It’s their fault all these bad things keep happening to us! It’s their fault we’re...orphans.”

“Because they died?” Violet asked. “Klaus, that isn’t fair.”

“No, Violet, shh.” Klaus said.

“What?” Violet asked.

“No, listen.” Klaus said. “Last night at dinner, Ishmael referred to us as the Baudelaire and Quagmire orphans.”

“We never told him that we lost our parents.” Isadora gasped

Klaus nodded. “He’s hiding something from us. We have to find out what.”

“He’s not gonna tell us.” Duncan groaned.

“You know who might.” Quigley said.

“Aw, fuck.” Violet cursed. “Fine. Let’s go.”

They crossed the sand quickly, stopping at the cooking tent to collect some ceviche, because ‘he might not tell us anything, if we don’t’ despite Violet and Quigley’s protests of ‘he didn’t feed us, why should we feed him?’ and ‘let’s just give him a taste of his own medicine, please’ and then climbing up to the birdcage, stuck in the rocks.

With the gag in his mouth, Olaf’s words were muffled, but they could still make out that he was using his hackneyed phrase. “Well, well, well.”

Klaus sighed, moving to behind the birdcage and untying the binds that held his hands as Isadora pulled the gag from his mouth.

“I said, ‘well, well, well.’” Olaf said.

“We know.” Violet said, rolling her eyes as she knelt down on the wet sand.

“I knew your annoying curiosity would lead you here eventually.” Olaf claimed, notching the coconut shell in Duncan’s hands. “Did you bring me a banana daiquiri?”

“We’re on an island.” Quigley said, rolling his eyes as Duncan handed Olaf the shell. “We brought you ceviche.”

Olaf took the shell, greedily scooping the fish into his mouth. “Ugh, this is just cold, raw fish.” He gagged, coughing slightly before reaching into his mouth and pulling out a fish bone. The children looked on, disgusted. “A fish bone? Are you trying to kill me? I’m impressed.”

“You had something to tell us about Ishmael.” Klaus sighed.

“You’re not as stupid as you look, though that would be impossible.” Olaf smirked, looking disappointed when the children didn’t rise to his bait. “I didn’t recognize him at first, not with that ridiculous beard, but he recognized me. That's why he locked me in here, so I don’t spill his secrets.”

“What secrets?” Isadora asked.

“Let me out, and I might tell you.” Olaf said.

“If you tell us, we might let you out.” Duncan said.

“Let me out first.” Olaf smirked.

“Tell us first.” Klaus said.

“Let me out first!” Olaf cried, shaking the bars of his cage.

“Ishmael is going to let you drown!”Quigley yelled. “If you don’t tell us, you will die.”

“Of course I'm going to die!” Olaf hissed, a breath escaping through his front teeth. “That’s the way of the world, orphans. Everybody runs around with their secrets and their schemes, trying to outwit one another, and then they die. Ishmael has locked me in here, but if you let me out I can outwit him, and then you can be my henchpeople. We’ll take the boat and we’ll sail back to where the action is!”

“We are not going to be your henchpeople. We don’t want to play your stupid little games.” Violet said, standing back up.

“Oh, dear, Violet.” Olaf crooned. “You would know if this was a game.”

Violet flinched.

“Come one.” Isadora said, quickly, grabbing Violet’s arm and leading her away. “He’s wasting out time.”

“Fine! Go.” Olaf called, his voice following them along the beach. “I’ll get out on my own, I always do! And I’ll be back with a new disguise. My best one yet! I may be in a cage, orphans, but I’ve still got it!”

The children continued to walk away, turning their backs in the man who had caused them so much misery.

“Are you okay?” Isadora whispered, leaning into Violet's ear.

Violet nodded, quickly. “He’s just…you know.”

Isadora nodded.

“So, we’re finding Ishmael now?” Duncan asked.

“He’s our only chance for answers.” Klaus sighed.

Isadora groaned as they approached the tent. Ishmael’s chair was sitting there, empty, a trail of clay footprints leading out of the tent.

“Dirty bastard.” Isadora muttered. “I thought he couldn’t walk?”

“He’s not only keeping secrets from us, he’s keeping secrets from the whole island.” Violet realised.

“Sherlock.” Sunny said.

“Good idea, Sunny.” Klaus said. “Let’s investigate.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Nine

We meet the harpoon gun (again)

“He must be sneaking out when he thinks no one will notice.” Klaus said, his bare feet squeaking in the warm sand.

They had been following the deep red footprints over the island, through the bushes and to the other side.

They came to a curtain of greenery, growing off a rock face.

“It’s a dead end.” Isadora sighed, wiping her brow.

“Maybe not.” Violet said, thoughtfully, reaching up and pulling on the vines.

She parted them, revealing a path through the rock face.

“This must lead to the other side of the island.” Quigley said, fascinated.

“Ishmael said he sent everything dangerous there.” Duncan gasped.

They stepped through the curtain of vines, cautiously looking around.

They found themselves in a clearing. All around them were objects, battered and weather beaten.

“All these items must have washed up on the seawall.” Klaus said, approaching a stack of objects. “And then when Ishmael said they were dangerous, they sent them here.”

Isadora gasped, sharply, reaching out and grabbing Duncan’s arm. Duncan quickly turned to see what she was looking at. It was the red herring statue, the very thing Olaf had smuggled them out of town in.

As they looked around the children realised that most of the items in the piles of junk were things from their past. They spotted a picnic basket, reminding the Baudelaires of their fateful trip to Briny Beach. There was a double barrel needle gun, like the one Olaf had used to murder Uncle Monty and crumpled, just to the side, was a bag of disintegrated peppermints. There was a waterlogged copy of Sir’s Lucky Smells Lumber Mill autobiography and a thin piece of metal, twisted into the shape of glasses. There was a fishing net, similar to the one that had saved the Baudelaires from their fall down the elevator shaft. Trapped under a pile of furniture was a statue, mirroring the one located in the Village of Fowl Devotees and tossed just next to it was a gas pump, just like the empty one from the Last Chance Store. Lying nearby was the tattered remains of a circus tent and thrown on top was a fencing mask. There was a diving bell, similar to the ones located on the Queequeg and pushed to the side was a green cap, just like the ones belonging to their concierge disguises.

“How…?” Klaus asked, running his fingers along the side of the red herring.

“Ishmael did say that everything washed up here.” Duncan said. “But, it’s kind of… eerie.”

“Eerie?” Isadora asked. “It’s straight up terrifying.”

“Obvious creepiness aside.” Violet said, kicking through one of the piles. “Imagine all the stuff you could invent with this.”

“Where did Sunny go?” Quigley asked, looking up from the fencing mask in his hands and glancing around.

“What?” Violet gasped, letting the metal fall to the ground with a clang. “Sunny?”

“Sunny?” Klaus called, worry edging into his voice.

They all rushed around the small clearing, calling out for the missing toddler. They spotted her, walking towards the base of a big tree.

“Sunny!” Violet cried, and they all raced over. “Sunny, what’re you doing?”

Sunny pointed towards the trunk of the tree, where an opening was. She stepped into it, followed quickly by the older children.

“A house inside the tree?” Duncan exclaimed.

The room was small, but felt homely. There were cabinets along one side and a small table sat in the middle of the room, books stacked on it. There was a small couch with a bookshelf attached behind it. There was a second floor, with a small landing, just above them. Scattered around the floor were various inventions, with a complicated looking gear suspended above the table.

“Someone’s built a water filtration system.” Violet noted, pointing towards the system.

“And this looks like a diary.” Isadora observed, opening up the cover of a book.

“‘A figure from the shadowy past has washed ashore.’” Quigley read, leaning over his sister's shoulder. “‘I convinced the others to lock him in a cage before he could recognise me. Sidenote: why won’t anyone call me Ish?’”

They all shared a confused glance as Quigley continued to read.

“‘The others concern me too. They may be young but the Quagmires always questioned authority and I’ve never known a Baudelaire who didn’t rock the boat.’”

“He knew our parents?” Klaus asked, peering over at the book.

“Is that an annotation?” Duncan asked

“Yeah.” Quigley said. “‘See page 252.’”

He pulled the book closer to him, flicking through the pages until he reached page 252.

Violet and Klaus’ faces quickly paled.

“Is that…?” Klaus asked, his voice barely a whisper.

“It looks like…but it can’t be…”

“What?” Isadora asked. “What is it?”

“It’s…” Klaus began.

“It looks like our—” Violet began.

There was a creaking on the staircase and the children looked up, to see a shadowy figure step into the light.

“That’s right, Baudelaires.” Ishmael said. “That’s your mother's handwriting.”

“Where did you come from?” Quigley asked. “Were you just watching us?”

“Why is our mother's handwriting in that book?” Violet snapped, turning towards the man, speaking over Quigley.

“Because, Baudelaires.” Ishmael said, his voice passive. “Your parents lived here, on this island.”

“Our parents lived here?” Klaus cried.

“Did you know them?” Violet asked, squinting up at the island's facilitator.

“Who are you, really?” Duncan asked.

“That’s an interesting question.” Ishmael said, walking down the staircase towards the children. “I used to be a school principal. Oh, yes, that was many years ago, at a school called Prufrock Prep.”

“Our parents went to Prufrock?” Violet exclaimed.

Ishmael nodded, solemnly. “It was an underfunded institution, but every year there were a few children with the same gleam in their eyes as you have. The Snickets, Count Olaf, The Quagmires, your parents.” He counted the names on his fingers as he leant over the table, flicking a switch, the gears above them whirred and a small light flickered on.

“You know our parents, too?” Isadora asked.

Ishmael nodded again. “When I met a child like that, I would recruit them into a secret organisation. My organisation.”

“You started VFD.” Quigley gasped, sharply.

“When a fire breaks out, the Official Fire Department is there to fight it, but figurative firesneed fighting too.” Ishmael continued. “Oh, and my students were interested in so many different things. Literature, science, music, theater, animal behavior, the culinary arts. And I thought, what if a group of curious, capable young people came together to stand against the injustices of this world? We could make it a quieter and a safer place. And for a while, we did, and then, well... it all went up in smoke.” He sighed, tiredly.

“The schism.” Violet said.

“Yes.” Ishmael sighed, rather sadly. “You can try to push back against the troubles of this world, but trouble is like the tide… it always returns. When the schism broke out, I abandoned my creation and I sailed here to live the rest of my life in exile. And then, Baudelaires, your parents sailed here too. They wanted to start a family someplace safe. They built this house and wrote in that book, they cooked delicious meals and built the most incredible inventions.” The facilitator looked up at the light, a forlorn expression on his face, leaning over and flicking the switch back off. The gears whirred again, and the light flickered out. “And then… they left. Oh, I tried to warn them. I told them terrible things waited out there in the world. When the Daily Punctillo washed up and I read about the fire,” He passed, reaching behind him a passing a water ruined copy of the newspaper to the children, the heading was smudged, but they could make out the words ‘Baudelaire Mansion destroyed in fire.’ “And then, a few weeks later.” He handed over another newspaper clipping, this time the words ‘Quagmire Mansion destroyed in fire’ splashed over the front page. “I knew those terrible things had come to pass. It’s almost Decision Day, and you have a decision to make. I failed your parents, I could not protect them, but I can protect their children. Drink the cordial and think about it.” He handed a flask to Violet, smiling at the children and turned to leave.

“Hold on.” Quigley called. “Why are you lying to the islanders? You can walk.”

Ishmael grimaced. “Yes, That was a bad decision… I should’ve waited until night time to come here.” He turned on his heel, leaving the small tree house.

“What a disgusting person.” Isadora hissed, shaking her head. “Of course that’s his take away message.”

“There’s something in what he said.” Klaus mused. “Why would he specifically tell us to ‘drink the cordial’?”

“That means we should not drink the cordial, then.” Duncan said.

“What are you thinking, Klaus?” Violet asked.

“That I wish we had our parents here, not just their handwriting.” Klaus groaned, dropping his head on the table.

“Me too!” Sunny cried, pulling herself up into one of the chairs.

“We all wish our parents were still alive.” Isadora sighed.

“I just want to leave this all behind.” Duncan said. “And staying here won’t really help that.”

“So we do it? Walk away from all of this and let Olaf drown?” Quigley asked.

“He deserves it.” Violet said, her voice wavering. “Doesn’t he?”

“Another Decision Day is upon us!” Ishmael declared, sitting in his cane chair on the sunny beach, the islanders gathered around him. “Anyone wishing to leave the island?”

The islanders glanced at each other, shooting nervous stares. Some shook their heads and others murmured their decision. No one wanted to leave.

“Wise decision.” Ishmael said, a smile settiling over his face as he sat back in his chair. “Well, then, I declare Decision Day over!”

The six children sprinted along the beach, trying not to trip in their long robes.

“Decision Day isn’t over yet!” Quigley shouted, as they approached the gathering.

“We’ve decided to leave.” Isadora said, her hands on her hips.

“Children, you seem agitated.” Ishmael said, placatingly. “Why don’t you have some cordial?”

“We won’t drink any.” Duncan cried. “And neither should any of you.”

“I knew there was something wrong with the cordial and then we read about fermented beverages.” Klaus explained. “They’re an opiate!”

“There’s nothing wrong with a little opiate.” Ishmael chuckled.

“Nothing wrong with a little opiate?” Violet exclaimed, outraged. “Ishmael’s trying to control you! That’s why nobody remembers their lives before the island, and why nobody ever wants to leave!”

“The Baudelaires and Quagmires are confused.” Ishmael said, quickly. “Obviously dehydrated. I suggest you drink some cordial. I suggest it very strongly.”

The islanders lifted their flasks to their mouths, taking a sip of the cordial, despite the cries of protest from the children.

“But let me guess.” Isadora cried, mocking Ishmael’s voice. “You ‘won’t force us’.”

Ishmael’s face twisted as he tried to hide his anger.

“Castaway! Castaway!” Friday called, interrupting the growing argument and pointing towards the seawall.

The Islanders attention was drawn away from the fight and toward the direction Friday had pointed. There was a person on what looked to be a thick raft, made of books.

Ishmael pulled out his spyglass, focusing it on the raft.

“She appears to be hurt… and very pregnant.” He said.

“Kit?” Sunny whispered, tugging on her brother's sleeve.

Klaus gasped. “Kit!”

“Yes?” A familiar voice said, approaching the group.

They all turned at the voice, the children’s faces falling as they realised who it was.

“No.” Duncan groaned.

“Yes.” Olaf said, staggering towards the islanders, a bundle of seaweed on his head and dressed in a white robe. “It is I, Kit Snicket. And, as you can see, I’m very pregnant.”

“No you’re not. You’re Count Olaf.” Friday said, raising her eyebrows. “A child can see that.”

“I’m a castaway.” Olaf said, his voice high and shaky. “And I should be welcomed with gifts.

“Isn’t he that villain we locked in the birdcage?” Alonso asked, looking around at his fellow islanders.

“I need medicine and your finest wine.” Olaf demanded, flicking the seaweed on his head the way someone might flick their hair.

“Oh, fuck off.” Violet snapped, turning her attention away from the woman on the raft to stare at the villain. “You’re not fooling anyone.”

“I think it is Kit.” Isadora said, squinting into the distance.

“Pay no attention to that woman.” Olaf said, trying to draw the attention back to him.

The children shared a look, before taking off, running towards the seawall. Their feet pounded against the warm sand as they sprinted towards the seawall. As they ran, they tried to keep their thoughts wandering to the very worst possibility. Kit couldn’t be dead, could she? They reached the raft, Quigley clambering up first and reaching his hands down for Sunny. Violet lifted her younger sister, handing her up to Quigley before climbing up herself. Sunny rushed over to Kit, laying her hand on her stomach. Violet and Quigley helped to haul their siblings up and then turned all their attention to Kit, still lying unconscious on the books.

Violet carefully shook Kit’s shoulder, not receiving a response. She lowered her head, holding her cheek over Kit’s mouth.

“She’s breathing.” She sighed in relief, leaning back.

“What happened?” Duncan asked.

“I don’t know.” Violet said, shaking her head.

“We’ve gotta do something about Olaf.” Isadora said, quickly.

“Someone needs to wrap her ankle.” Violet ordered. “And someone also needs to make sure she keeps breathing. I’ll handle Olaf.” She crawled to the side of the waterlogged raft, jumping down.

“Not by yourself!” Quigley cried, following her over the edge.

Isadora rolled her eyes, turning back to the unconscious woman.

“Can you wrap?” Duncan asked, turning to his sister as he crawled to take Violet’s place at Kit’s head.

Isadora nodded, grabbing the end of her robe and ripping a strip of the hemming off. She knelt over Kit, wrapping the fabric around her swollen ankle.

Klaus moved to the other side, lifting up Kit’s wrist and checking for a pulse.

“Should we put her in the recovery position?” Klaus asked, trying to remember the information from a book on first aid he read.

“Isn’t that only if we revive her?” Isadora asked.

“No, I think it’s to stop them choking on vomit.” Klaus said. “And she might have swallowed sea water?”

“Okay, but be careful of her ankle.” Isadora sighed, as Klaus arranged her arms and the two triplets rolled her onto her side.

“Uh oh.” Sunny said, her eyes trailed on Olaf.

“What’s wrong?” Klaus asked, quickly, turning his head to his baby sister.

“I know how he’s pretending to be pregnant.” Sunny said, her voice small and fearful.

“That treacherous woman up there has dragged all those books up to your colony.” Olaf claimed, in his high scratchy voice. “All to bring trouble to you, poor island folk.”

“I’m not falling for that!” Ishmael cried.

“Ishmael!” Violet panted, as she and Quigley raced up to the group.

“Now, you look here.” Ishmael snapped. “As a decent person, I never presume someone’s gender, but you’re trying to manipulate my decency. Just take off your ridiculous disguise.”

“You first, Ish.” Olaf sneered.

“You’re still rotten, Olaf.” Ishmael retorted. “It’s time you take responsibility for your actions.

“Only if you take responsibility for yours.” Olaf snapped, his voice growing more and more upset with every word. “You took a plucky schoolboy and made him think that books and poetry and learning would keep him safe. Well, they didn't. Every parent figure I've ever had has either let me down or died. This is the end.”

“Only for you.” Ishmael shrugged. “I don’t know who you got out of that cage—”

“I picked the lock with a fish bone.” Olaf said, casually.

Violet and Quigley’s faces fell.

“I knew we shouldn’t have fed him.” Quigley muttered.

“But I’m going to put you right back in.” Ishmael threatened.

“Oh, but I don’t think that you are.” Olaf sneered. “You were right, Ish. One harpoon isn't much of a threat against a colony, but how about a diving helmet filled with the world's deadliest fungus?”

“You don’t mean—” Ishmael began, fearfully.

Olaf nodded. “I found the Medusiod Mycelium and I will unleash on this island unless you give me the six orphans and the canoe.”

“The orphans may be mutinous, but they're still under my protection. I won't let you take them.” Ishmael said, defensively.

“And how do you plan to stop me?” Olaf asked, his eyebrow raised.

“With this!” Ishmael cried, producing the harpoon gun from behind his back and waving it around, menacingly.

Violet and Quigley gasped, stepping back, glancing towards the seawall where Duncan and Klaus were running towards them.

Time seemed to slow down.

Ishmael raised the harpoon gun.

Duncan and Klaus stumbled towards them.

Violet lifted her arm, protectively holding it over Quigley’s chest.

Ishmael pointed the gun at Olaf’s chest.

Olaf stepped backwards, nervously.

The islanders crowded around, hiding behind each other.

Duncan yelled out, “don’t shoot!”

Ishmael pulled the trigger.

The harpoon shot through the air.

It hit Olaf, with a sickening crunch and the sides of the robe fell away, revealing the diving helmet, the glass cracked and broken.

Small green spores began to float through the air.

And time sped up again.

“You harpooned me!” Olaf cried out, his voice catching in his throat as he staggered backwards.

“You started it!” Ishmael argued.

“You literally started it!” Olaf shouted, the spot on his stomach turning a bright red.

“It doesn’t matter who started it!” Klaus shouted. “Those spores are the Medusoid Mycelium!”

Ishmael’s face fell.

“I feel something weird in my throat.” One of the islanders croaked.

“Yes. That weird feeling is a poisonous mushroom that is infecting you with its deadly spores.” Olaf cried, rather happily for someone who had just been shot.

“It’s early?” One another coughed.

“We need horseradish.” Duncan cried.

“Or wasabi.” Violet added.

“They’re the only cures!” Quigley cried.

“There aren't any spices on the island!” Alonso cried.

“This is my moment of ultimate triumph! At last, I have everything I have ever…have ev—” Olaf began, before falling to the ground in a violent coughing fit.

“I don’t want to die.” Friday said, her voice small as she clasped at her throat.

“We need horseradish, or another culinary substitute!” Klaus cried, desperately.

“Wait, I know of a horseradish factory
off Lousy Lane. We can sail the outrigger there and be saved!”

“You'd never reach it in time!” Violet argued.

“To the outrigger!” Ishmael cried, ignoring the children.

The islanders rushed to the outrigger, pushing it into the water and climbing aboard.

“You could spread the fungus to the whole world!” Klaus said.

“You’re making a terrible mistake!” Duncan cried.

“Maybe I am.” Ishmael shrugged. “But being a leader is like being a parent. You try to keep your children safe. You just don't always know what you're doing. Farewell, Baudelaires and Quagmires!”

The islanders pushed the boat off and after a few minutes, the islanders had rowed out, away from the island they had always known.

“They’ll never make it.” Quigley sighed, burying his head in his hands.

“There has to be something we can do.” Duncan cried, desperately.

“There's always one thing you can do. You can die. Don't you understand, orphans? Don't you understand that so much of life is just waiting for people who have wounded you to finally, finally die?” Olaf croaked, his voice pained.

And for the first time, the children thought that maybe he was right.

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirty

Tuberous Canopy

Violet, Quigley, Duncan and Klaus all shared a sad look, before turning back to the seawall and racing back to Sunny and Isadora, still tending to Kit.

They clambered back up the raft, kneeling around Kit.

“What happened?” Isadora asked.

Duncan shook his head. “Ishmael shot him, and released the Medusiod Mycelium.”

“Fuck.” Isadora swore, coughing slightly. “So what, we have an hour?”

They didn’t answer her, but the expression mirrored across their faces gave her the answer. Duncan and Klaus began to cough and Sunny’s face was paling.

There was movement behind them, and they all turned back to Kit.

“Beatrice?” Kit croaked, lifting her head slightly as she opened her eyes, looking into Violet’s eyes.

Violet’s, kneeling beside Kit’s head, voice broke as she answered. “No, it’s Violet.”

“Baudelaires. Quagmires.” She sighed, laying her head back down. “Where am I?”

“We’re on… an island.” Quigley said, slowly. “Somewhere in the ocean?”

Kit groaned.

“We failed to stop Count Olaf from releasing the Medusiod Mycelium.” Klaus explained, sadly.

“We haven’t failed yet.” Kit said, somewhat determinedly. “Tell me, what happened at the hotel? Do you have the sugar bowl?”

“We did.” Duncan said, sheepishly. “We had it all along.”

“What?” Kit asked.

“We took it from Olaf, back on the Queequeg.” Isadora explained. “We wanted to tell you, but we weren’t sure if we could trust you.”

Kit smiled, sadly. “That makes sense. You’d make good volunteers.”

“You said the sugar bowl could help us.” Quigley said, directing the attention back to the problem in hand. “What’s so important about the sugar bowl?”

“It’s just sugar.” Kit explained.

“Just sugar?” Quigley cried.

“Well, from a botanical hybrid that VFD developed to defend us against the Mycelium.” Kit continued.

“I thought that was horseradish?” Klaus coughed, slightly.

“The horseradish cures you, but the hybrid immunises you.” Kit explained.

“Quigley.” Violet gasped, sharply. “We ate the sugar.”

Quigley looked shocked, but the relief was short lived.

“When?” Duncan asked, his face pale.

“On the submarine.” Quigley said, thinking back. “We’d just escaped the cell and hadn’t eaten in days, so…”

“But what about us?” Sunny croaked.

Violet's face broke, and tears welled up in her eyes.

“I failed you, children.” Kit said, sadly. “I told you I would come back to the hotel, but then I saw an SOS signal from a submarine.”

“Fiona!” Isadora gasped, choking slightly on her words. “Do you know where she is? Is she safe?”

“I don’t know.” Kit said, slowly. “My submarine was attacked before I could reach her... I’m, I'm so sorry.”

Isadora's face twisted, and she clapped a hand over her mouth, reaching out and gripping Violet’s arm with the other hand.

Violet reacted quickly, pulling her friend into a tight hug.

“We’re sorry too.” Duncan continued. “We helped Count Olaf burn down the hotel.”

“Sometimes… sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.” Kit said, quietly.

“When you fight fire with fire, the world goes up in smoke.” Klaus said, almost robotically.

“Dewey says that.” Kit smiled, softly. “Where is he?”

The children glanced at each other, looks of utter dismay painted on their faces, silently debating who would be the one to break the horrible news.

“Deweys… dead.” Quigley said, looking down at his hands.

Kit’s face broke, and her mouth opened in a silent sob. Her whole body shook as tears racked her face. Violet, Isadora still wrapped in one arm, leant over with the other one, awkwardly patting Kit’s head as Sunny called over to put her small hand in Kit’s.

“My baby will never meet her father.” Kit said, her voice heavy with tears.

The sick children began to cry as well, over everyone they had lost and all those who had suffered because of them. Violet thought about their mother and father, forever trapped inside an infinitely burning building. Klaus thought about the fire they had set at the hotel, there was no way to know how many people survived and how many would suffer the same fate as their parents. Sunny thought about their guardians who Olaf brutally murdered. Uncle Monty and Aunt Josephine, both loyal to the very end. Isadora thought about Fiona, lost somewhere in the big blue ocean, possibly with her brother, possibly by herself. Possibly dead. She didn’t want to think about the last option. Duncan thought about Olivia Caliban, the fiercely protective woman who had risked, and lost, her life to protect them. Quigley thought about his own parents, specifically his mother, on the day they finally came from their trip, the day she helped him into the tunnel and he never saw her again. There were others, of course. Jacques Snicket from the Village of Fowl Devotees, the many snow scouts, it was impossible to know what Olaf did with them, Gustav, Monty’s loyal assistant, even Georgina Orwell, whilst evil, had died because of them. They sat and wept, their arms around each other.

“I can feel the fungus in my throat.” Klaus said, suddenly, as he began to cough, violently.

“The hour’s not over yet.” Violet said, removing her arms from around Isadora and Duncan. “Quigley, stay with Kit and—”

“No, children.” Kit interrupted. “Stay together.”

They looked around at each other, sharing a quick glance.

“Hold on.” Quigley said, patting Kit’s arm. “We’ll be back soon.”

They crawled to the edges of the raft made of books, jumping off, Sunny in Violet’s arms.

They took off, running towards the far side of the island, hoping to find something that could save them.

As they ran further and further, Klaus, Duncan and Isadora began to wheeze, slowing down to barely a walk.

“Violet…” Klaus panted. “I don’t feel too good.”

Violet gritted her teeth, doubling back to Klaus and ducking under his arm. She readjusted Sunny in her arms, moving her to her hip and holding her with one hand. Quigley did the same and the two oldest children continued to move as fast as they could, half dragging their sick siblings with them.

“Hey, hey.” Violet cried, shaking Klaus lightly. “We’re almost there. You gotta stay with me.”

“Let’s hope your parents cooked with spices.” Quigley said, grimly as they approached the tree house.

Placing their siblings on the couch, Violet and Quigley rushed to the cupboards, wrenching everything out of its place.

“We need horseradish, or another culinary substitute.” Isadora croaked from her position on the couch.

“Sunny?” Violet asked, quickly. “What else can we use?”

“Wasabi. Wormwood.” Sunny shouted, her voice hoarse.

Violet and Quigley turned back to the cupboards, rummaging through the shelves.

“Do you see anything?” Quigley cried, desperately.

“There’s nothing here!” Violet called, distressed. “There’s no horseradish, no wasabi.”

Klaus coughed, violently, setting off a seemingly contagious chain.

“No, no.” Quigley cried, throwing his hand into his hands.

“This can’t be the end, no no.” Violet moaned.

“I wish our parents could help us.” Klaus said, his voice small and weak.

Violet sat up straight, with a jolt. “Maybe they still can. She jumped up, racing to the table and snatching up the book filled with her mother's handwriting. “If there’s an antidote, then maybe they wrote it down.” She grabbed Quigley’s arm, dragging him over to the couch, and squeezing in between Klaus and Isadora. She flipped open the cover, quickly scanning the first few pages.

“There’s no index.” Duncan noted, quietly. “There’s no table of contents.”

“We don’t have time to read the whole book!” Quigley cried.

“Klaus, is there another way to search a book without properly reading it?” Violet asked desperately.

“We can skim it.” Klaus suggested. “But it’s not the same as reading it.”

Violet nodded and began aggressively turning the pages, running her finger down each row of words as the others peered over her shoulder, reading as fast as they could.

The minutes ticked past and they hadn’t found anything.

“Sunny’s shivering and I’m finding it hard to breathe.” Klaus gasped. “Duncan looks really green. And Isadora—”

Klaus was interrupted by Isadora loudly coughing, proving his point.

“Just a bit longer.” Violet muttered, speeding up as she flicked through the pages.

“Wait!” Quigley cried, throwing out an arm to stop Violet’s hurried page turning.

“Mum wrote that.” Violet murmured.

“‘In case the treachery of the outside world reaches our shores, we’ve recreated the botanical hybrid in the tuberous canopy.’” Quigley read, leaning over Violet’s shoulder.

“Botanical hybrid.” Duncan said, quietly. “That’s what Kit said was in the sugar bowl.”

“Tuberous canopy.” Violet repeated. “Klaus, what’s a tuberous canopy?”

“I don’t know.” Klaus croaked, his voice breaking as his eyes began to water. “I don’t know.”

“Tuberous canopy. Tuberous canopy.” Quigley repeated, standing up and pacing the room. “We found the answer but we don’t know the words.”

“Fuck!” Violet screamed, grabbing the ends of her hair. “No, no, no, no. This isn’t it, this isn’t the end!”

“Apple.” Sunny said, her voice almost inaudible.

“What did she say?” Isadora asked.

“She said apple.” Klaus said. “Tuberous canopy. The roots above!”

“The apples from the tree.” Duncan said slowly. “The cure is right above our heads!”

They all jumped up, reaching for the apples, but before they could even get close to reaching one, Klaus fell to the ground, seconds later, he was followed by Duncan and Isadora and, finally, Sunny. Violet and Quigley fell to their knees beside their siblings.

“We can’t die in here.” Isadora gasped, her face flat on the dirty carpet.

“We had the answers, in this very room, and we didn’t even know it.” Klaus croaked, hands falling limp.

“Maybe it’s too late.” Duncan said. “Maybe this is the end of our story.”

“No, no.” Quigley cried, shaking Duncan’s shoulder. “No, it’s not. It’s not the end.”

Violet moved from her position of gripping Sunny’s small hand, her face pressed into Klaus’ shoulder, leaping to her feet dragging a chair over to underneath the tree, she clambered up, reaching as high as she could, trying in vain to reach an apple. In an instant, Quigley was beside her, standing on a chair of his own, jumping for the apples beside her.

There was a rustling in the tree above her, and there was a flash of black scales. Violet yelled, falling backwards off the chair in fright. She got to her feet, grabbing Quigley’s arm and yanking him back.

“What is it?” He asked, fearfully, his voice thick with tears.

“Snake.” Violet said.

The snake in question, slithered down the trunk of the tree, hovering over Klaus. Violet rushed forwards, prepared to fistfight the snake, lest it touch her baby brother, but was held back by Quigley.

“Quigley, let me go!” She screamed. “They’re going to die, they’re all going to die, unless we do something.”

“There’s nothing we can do.” Quigley said, his voice broken and thick with tears.

“So what?” Violet screeched. “We just let them die?”

“I-I, I hate it!” Quigley screamed, lifting his arms and wrapping Violet in a tight hug, burying his face in her shoulder, his tears soaking a patch in her dress. Violet lifted her head, wrapping her arms around his middle, her vision turning blurry with tears.

They could do nothing but sit and watch as the black snake slithered past Sunny and twisted it’s way up the tree trunk.

“I think I must be hallucinating.” Klaus murmured, his voice weak and shaky. “That looks like the Incredibly Deadly Viper.”

Violet gasped, throwing Quigley’s arms off her and racing forwards. “Of course.”

“Deadly?” Quigley asked. “Violet, what’re you doing?”

Violet threw her arm back, shushing him as the snake dropped a single apple from the tree.

She rushed towards it, picking it up and falling to her knees beside Sunny.

She placed her hand behind Sunny’s head, lifting her up gently and placing the apple in front of her mouth. Sunny opened her eyes, slightly and bit down slightly on the apple. As soon as she had eaten it, Violet lay her back down, crawling over to Klaus. She held the apple over his mouth and he reached his hand up, over hers and bit into the apple. Violet acted quickly, tossing the apple to Quigley and helping Klaus sit up. Quigley forced it on Isadora, before quickly wrenching it away after she took a bite. Turning to Duncan, he held the apple in front of his face and Duncan bit into it. Dropping the apple to the ground, Quigley launched himself at his brother, wrapping his arms around him. Isadora flew in from the other side, knocking her brothers to the ground. They sat back up as Sunny crawled over, Klaus at her heels, climbing into the pile. Violet collided into her brother, knocking them all back to the dirty carpet, in a mess of crying and giggling.

“It was so bitter!” Isadora exclaimed, tears trickling down her cheeks.

“They always say that the first bite of an apple tastes the best!” Klaus giggled, grabbing Duncan’s hand.

“It's the best thing that I’ve ever tasted!” Duncan cried.

“We thought we’d lost you!” Violet wept, resting her head on Duncan’s shoulder.

“You can’t get rid of us that easily.” Duncan cackled, although there was a sadness behind his words.

“You’d better keep that promise.” Quigley threatened, grabbing his sister's arm. “You’re not allowed to almost die ever again.”

“Only if you and Violet promise not to be kidnapped again.” Klaus said, seriously.

“Deal.” Violet grinned, extending her hand for her brother to shake.

He shook it.

They all laughed.

“Guys.” Sunny said. “Kit.”

“Oh, shit.” Isadora cried, breaking away from their huddle. “We have to get back to her.”

Klaus stepped up to one of the chairs, still located under the tree, reaching up and plucking an apple from the branch.

They gathered themselves up, brushing tears from their faces and adjusting their robes before rushing back out of the tree house, headed back to Kit, still lying upon the handmade raft.

They sprinted across the sand, past Olaf, still wheezing from the poison and his harpoon wound. He spat out a few words as they raced past him, but they didn’t stop to listen, instead focusing on reaching Kit.

Upon reaching the raft, they climbed back up crowding around Kit.

“Kit, you're gonna be okay.” Klaus explained, kneeling around her head. “We found a way to dilute the poison.”

“You just have to take a bite.” Duncan prompted, as Klaus held the apple out.

“No, I can’t.” Kit said, shifting her body restlessly.

“You have to.” Violet said. “You’re sick.”

“No, I can’t.” Kit sighed. “It would harm the baby. I can feel her coming soon.”

“But the water’s rising.” Quigley said. “If you don't get off, you’ll float away.”

“I can’t move.” Kit said, sadly. “I’m not as strong as you, children. I’ve... I’ve lost too many people. My parents, my brothers… Dewey.” She fell silent, closing her eyes.

Isadora reached out, shaking Kit’s shoulder. “Your baby needs you.”

Kit didn’t respond.

“We have to get her to shore.” Klaus said.

“We’re too weak from the poison.” Duncan said, worriedly.

“Violet and I could do it.” Quigley suggested.

“Is there another option?” Violet asked, chewing on her bottom lip. “I don’t want to drop her.”

Isadora looked up, pointing to Olaf, lying on the shore.

“He’d never help us.” Klaus sighed.

“What choice do we have?” Duncan asked.

Violet sighed.

“We’re gonna get you help, okay.” Isadora said. “You guys go, I’ll stay with Kit.”

“Sunny, you stay too.” Klaus said, jumping off the edge of the raft.

Violet, Quigley, Klaus and Duncan hurried along the sandbank towards Olaf.

Olaf was leaning against a dead branch, blood staining the front of his shirt, the harpoon still embedded in his skin. His face was red and blotchy, his voice hoarse.

They knelt down in the sand beside him.

“At last, you bow before the king of Olaf Land.” He chuckled dryly, his usually smug expression replaced by pain.

“We don’t have time for your nonsense.” Violet snapped. “We need your help.”

“You need my help?” Olaf laughed, his smirk turning into a cough. “Well, well, well. How do you like them apples?”

“Take a bit of this apple.” Klaus said, pulling out the hybrid apple. “It’ll dilute the poison.”

“I don’t want your bitter fruit!” Olaf snapped, but his usual snarkiness wasn’t there. “I've lost too much to go on. My parents, my true love, my henchfolk, two enormous fortunes I never really earned.”

“You have to go on.” Duncan urged.

“Do one good thing in your life, Olaf.” Violet cried.

Olaf scoffed, his voice shaky. “I’ve done lots of good things in my life. I once took in three orphans.”

“You made us orphans in the first place!” Violet cried, furiously.

“Is that what you think?” Olaf croaked.

“We know it.” Klaus growled.

“You don’t know anything.” Olaf coughed, wincing as his stomach heaved.

“Please.” Duncan begged. “You have to help Kit.”

“Her baby is arriving.” Quigley added. “She could die!”

“Kit...could die?” Olaf croaked.

The children thought that for the very first time, they could see an emotion that closely resembled sadness glimmer across Olaf’s face.

They nodded, seriously.

Olaf groaned, snatching the apple out of Klaus’ hand. “Give me that.”

He bit into the apple, letting it fall onto the sand, and stood up. He winced as he began to limp across the sandbank.

“That looks bad.” Duncan said, gesturing towards his wound.

Olaf gritted his teeth. “I’ve been worse.”

“Worse than a harpoon gun wound and Medusiod Mycelium poisoning?” Klaus asked, sceptically.

“I always hated know-it-all’s.” Olaf hissed. “Maybe that’s why the adoption didn’t go through.”

“The adoption didn’t go through because you tried to marry me!” Violet shouted, looking ready to attack him.

Olaf chuckled, lightly, before turning to Duncan.

“Did they tell you all the stories I told them?” He asked. “I’d think a journalist like you would be interested in it.”

“Shut up.” Duncan warned. “Just help Kit.”

Olaf exhaled loudly, turning to Klaus.

“Do you remember your trip to the mill, lucky boy?”

Klaus froze, his eyes glazing over.

Olaf chuckled, his laugh turning into a wheeze as the pain in his stomach hit him.

“Lucky boy, get me my harpoon gun.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 31

Promise Me She’ll Never Be Alone?

Klaus began to move robotically back towards the beach, to where the discarded harpoon gun lay.

“Fuck!” Violet swore, turning back to Olaf. “Undo it!”

“I don’t think I will.” Olaf said casually, a familiar smirk growing on his face.

“You asshole!” Violet screamed, stepping forwards to hit him, only to be yanked back by Quigley.

She glared at him as Quigley subtly shook his head, fear in his eyes. Her face softened, slightly as she realised why he was afraid.

“No, no!” Duncan cried, reaching out and grabbing Klaus’ arm as he walked past. “Klaus, what’re you doing?”

“Getting the harpoon gun, sir.” Klaus answered, his voice emotionless and his face passive.

“Sir?” Duncan said, obviously confused as Klaus pulled his arm out of Duncan’s grip and continued to move towards the shore. “No, what’re you talking about? I’m Duncan.”

“No, Duncan.” Violet said, quickly. “He’s hypnotised—”

“Hypnotised?” Duncan interrupted.

Violet nodded, quickly. “Long story. Quigley can you go back and make sure he actually helps Kit? Punch his wound if he doesn’t. Duncan, come with me.”

Quigley nodded, marching ahead of Olaf as Violet and Duncan raced down the sandbank towards Klaus.

“Klaus! Klaus!” Duncan cried, as they approached him. “Hey, Klaus!”

“He can’t hear you, Duncan.” Violet explained quickly, reaching out to stop her brother.

“Yes, sir?” Klaus asked passively, his face expressionless.

“Klaus.” Duncan said, sternly. “It’s us, Klaus. You're okay, it’s okay.”

Violet thought about explaining to Duncan, again, that he couldn’t hear them, but decided against it.

“Uh, right. I’m really sorry, Klaus, but…” Violet sighed, playing with her fingers, nervously. “Lucky, stop.”

Klaus stopped.

“How did you do that?” Duncan asked, nervously.

“When we were at that mill, Olaf and Georgina Orwell hypnotised him.” Violet explained, her face pained as she recounted the past. “And when you refer to him as ‘lucky’.” She dropped her voice as she said the trigger word. “He snaps into this hynoptic trance thing.”

“But how do you break it?” Duncan asked, glancing at Klaus who was still standing as still as a statue.

“There’s a word you can say.” Violet said, scrunching up her forehead. “And, it’s… it’s…”

“Have you forgotten?” Duncan asked, fear creeping back into his voice.

“No, uh.” Violet said. “It’s, uh… I do know, hold on.”

Duncan looked nervously back over his friend, biting his lip. 

“Uh, okay. Tell me if something changes.” Violet instructed.

Duncan nodded, fixing his gaze back to Klaus.

“Innocent?” Violet tried.

Duncan slowly shook his head.

“Inoperable?” 

Duncan shook his head again.

“I think it starts with ‘in’.” Violet said, carefully. “Inoperative?”

Klaus’ trance-like state didn’t change.

Duncan began to whimper. “What’re we gonna do, Vi?”

“No, no.” Violet said, shaking her head. “I do know it.”

“Violet.” Duncan said, rationally. “We don’t have time for you to try every single word starting with ‘in’.”

“He’s my brother, Duncan.” Violet snapped. “I know the word.”

Duncan recoiled slightly. 

“Sorry.” He murmured.

Violet’s face fell slightly.

“No, I’m sorry.” She sighed. “It’s just stressful, sorry.”

Duncan nodded. “I understand. But we’ve gotta be quick and see if we can get back to Kit.”

Violet nodded. “I do know the word, just hold on a minute.”

She reached into her pocket, pulling out her ribbons. She quickly tied back her hair, closing her eyes and thinking for a moment. 

Duncan grabbed Klaus’ arm, murmuring comforting words under his breath.

“Inordinate!” Violet cried, snapping her eyes back open. “Inordinate! Inordinate!”

Klaus blinked, staggering backwards slightly as he took in his surroundings. “I—what?”

“Oh thank god.” Violet sighed, exhaling loudly.

“Klaus!” Duncan cried, wrapping the younger boy in a hug. “You’re back.”

“Where did I go?” Klaus asked, furrowing his brow as his sister wrapped her arms around him from the other side. “What happened?”

“Olaf was being a dick.” Duncan said, his voice muffled as he pressed his face into Klaus’ shoulder.

“He… hypnotised you.” Violet sighed. “Told you get him his harpoon gun.”

“D-did I?” Klaus asked, nervously.

“No, no.” Violet said, quickly. “We stopped you.”

Klaus sighed in relief, before remembering the circumstances they were caught in. 

“What about Kit?” He asked.

“Olaf said he would help.” Duncan said, pulling away from Klaus, a slight flush creeping along his cheeks. “But… it’s Olaf, so…”

“We need to get back.” Violet said, turning back towards the seawall.

“Or we could wait here.” Duncan said, pointing out the figures approaching them.

Olaf was wading through the still waves, a seemingly lifeless Kit in his arms, her white dress billowing around in the water. Isadora and Quigley were just in front, Sunny toddling behind, running along the sandbank towards them.

Violet took off, running to meet them halfway, Duncan and Klaus at her heels.

“Is Klaus okay?” Isadora panted as she slid to a stop.

“Yeah.” Violet said, reaching down to lift Sunny to her hip. “We can talk about it more, later, after we’ve helped Kit.”

“What about Kit?” Duncan asked. “Is she alright?”

“She’s not any better.” Isadora sighed. 

“But, Olaf?” Duncan prompted.

“Maybe he’s looking for a redemption arc?” Quigley asked. “‘Coz otherwise, I don’t see why he’s helping her.”

“Whatever it is, I guess we should be grateful.” Klaus shrugged. 

“Grateful?” Violet scoffed, preparing her rant of ‘in no way should we feel sorry for the bastard.’

“Hey, Vi.” Quigley said gently. “You know I’m always down to hear your trademarked ‘Olaf Sucks’ speech, but now is quite possibly not the time.”

Violet nodded. “Right, Sorry. Lets just help Kit.”

They hurried over to the shore, where Olaf had laid Kit onto the sand, collapsing next to her.

They stopped, leaving a few feet between them and the two weak adults.

They watched as Olaf leant over, kissing Kit on her lips. Violet growled under her breath and started forwards, only to be pulled back by Isadora who was subtly shaking her head.

“Hello, hello, hello.” Olaf said, unknowingly for the last time.

Kit’s eyes fluttered open.

“You!” She cried.

“I told you I’d do that one last time.” Olaf smirked, propping himself up on his elbow.

“You are a wicked man.” Kit stated. “You really think that one kind act will make me forgive all of your failings?”

“I haven’t apologised.” Olaf said.

Kit groaned, laying back and shutting her eyes again.

“Let me see your eyes.” Olaf asked.

“Hm?” Kit asked, moving her head slightly.

Olaf lay back down, moving his head next to Kit’s.

“The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one.” Olaf recited. “Yet the light…”

“...of the bright world dies with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one. Yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done.” Kit finished.

“I never forgot you.” Olaf smirked, softly, although his face was pained.

“You hurt people.” Kit said, slowly.

“Yeah.” Olaf said, reflectively. “And people hurt me. But it’s all over now.”

He sighed, shakily. “What’s that thing your brother used to say?”

“Man hands on misery to man.” Kit said, quietly. “It deepens…” her voice faded out and she laid her head back.

“...like a coastal shelf.” Olaf continued. “Get out as early as you can—”

He took a shuddering breath, turning to face the six children, still standing, watching.

“And don’t have any kids yourself.” Olaf warned, before falling back to the sand.

The children gasped as Olaf took a last breath, before laying still.

“Oh my god.” Isadora murmured.

Kit glanced over at Olaf’s lifeless body, before scrunching up her face and shutting her eyes again, a pained expression on her face.

“Olaf?” Sunny asked, looking curiously at the man’s body.

Violet took a deep breath, passing Sunny to Klaus before crouching by Olaf’s body and shutting his eyelids, so they wouldn’t have to look at his shiny eyes ever again.

“He’s gone, Sunny.” Violet said, shakily. “He’s dead.”

The children barely had time to feel anything as Kit threw back her head and let out a pained cry.

They rushed to her side, falling to their knees beside her.

“Kit.” Isadora said. “Kit, it’s okay. We’re going to get you somewhere safe, alright?”

Kit only let out a small moan and she began to whimper.

“We’ve got to move her.” Violet said. “It’ll be getting dark and cold soon.”

“Okay.” Klaus said, placing his younger sister on the sand and pointing towards the closest tent. “Sunny, can you go ahead and try and make the bed in that tent comfortable?”

“Yes.” Sunny said, nodding as she toddled quickly towards the tent.

“Duncan, Klaus.” Quigley said. “Grab her legs. Violet, can you support her head and shoulders? Isadora and I can lift her back.”

“What do we do about…you know, the body?” Duncan asked.

“We’ll have to deal with it later.” Violet said. “We gotta help Kit, first.”

They all nodded, taking their places around Kit’s body and lifting her up. They carefully sidestepped towards the tent, trying not to trip on the sand.

Laying Kit gently on the bed, they stepped back.

Kit opened her eyes, gasping slightly. “I think my baby’s coming.”

“Oh.” Duncan said, bluntly.

Isadora sighed, elbowing her brother out of the way. “If you can’t be sensible about it, get out.”

“No— I—” Duncan began, but was interrupted by Violet pushing him out of the way so she could stand next to Isadora.

“Duncan, Quigley, take Sunny and wait outside.” She ordered.

“Why does Klaus get to stay?” Quigley pouted.

“‘Cause Klaus is mature.” Violet said, practically pushing them out of the tent. 

“Fair.” Quigley muttered as he scooped up Sunny and went to sit outside with his brother.

“Okay, Kit.” Violet said, calmly sitting next to Kit’s head and running her fingers through her hair. “Everything’s going to be alright.”

Everything was not going to be alright.

Kit was sitting, propped up by pillows, on the bed, her baby swaddled in blankets in her arms.

Isadora and Klaus were sitting on the end of the bed whilst Violet went to fetch the Quagmire boys and Sunny.

As they approached the tent, they heard Violet say, “It’s a girl.”

“What’re you going to call her?” Klaus asked, smiling reassuringly at Kit.

“Let's name her after your mother.” Kit said, weakly. I always hoped I'd be as good a mother as she was.”

“You will be.” Violet said, determinedly as she appeared back in the tent

Kit shook her head, sadly, tears welling in her eyes. “It's too late. The apple isn't working. My baby will be an orphan. Just promise me, children…  promise me she won't ever be alone?”

The children began to cry, grabbing each other’s arms.

She began to cry, slightly as she brought her forehead down, touching it with her daughters before leaning forward and handing the baby wrapped in a bundle of cloth to Klaus.

“Hey, hey.” He whispered, rocking the baby as she began to cry. “I know, I know.”

Kit shut her eyes, falling back into the pillows and breathing heavily.

They rushed up to her, shaking her lightly as Kit closed her eyes tighter, whimpering slightly.

“Kit!” Violet cried, desperately. “Kit!”

“Stay with us!” Isadora cried, tears trickling down her cheeks.

“Kit!” Duncan cried, shaking her arm. “Please don't go!” 

“Kit!” Sunny cried, trying her best to climb onto the bed.

“Please don't leave us…” Quigley said, quietly, his voice trailing into nothing.

Kit lay, taking a final shaky breath before falling still.

The children fell silent, the only sound was the sound of quiet sobbing.

After a few minutes, they stood up, grabbing onto each other for support. Kit’s daughter, little Beatrice, still asleep in Klaus’ arms, Sunny wrapped tightly against Violet’s chest.

They traipsed towards the treehouse that had once belonged to the Baudelaire’s parents.

Spreading themselves out among the living room, they sat down glancing around the room.

 “Violet…” Klaus began, weakly, turning to his older sister. “What do we do?”

“We look after her.” Violet said, sadly, hugging Sunny to her chest.

“How?” Duncan asked. “We’re only teenagers.”

“We’ll just have to do what we can.” Isadora shrugged. “We don’t have any other choice.”

“What do babies eat?” Sunny asked. “I can make her hot chocolate.”

“Babies don’t drink hot chocolate.” Violet smiled softly. “But I’d love some.”

Sunny nodded, standing up and making her way to the small kitchen. “Anyone else?”

“Yes, please.” Quigley said, glancing around at the others who were nodding . “We’ll all have some, please.”

Sunny nodded again, turning back to the small kitchen and busying herself at the stove.

“Do you think the islanders made it?” Duncan asked. “To the horseradish factory, I mean.”

“There’s no way to know.” Isadora sighed, fiddling with her fingers.

“Probably not.” Violet murmured.

They fell into an upsetting silence, that was interrupted by Kits’s daughter beginning to cry.

“Oh.” Klaus said, rocking the small baby again. “Shh, shh. Uh…how do you get babies to stop crying?”

“You don’t, Klaus.” Duncan sighed. “Didn’t you look after Sunny when she was little?”

“No.” Sunny said, bringing a mug of hot chocolate over, carefully. “Very useless brother.”

They all chuckled, weakly.

Violet stood up to help carry the mugs out to the small room.

“So, I guess we have to stay for at least a year?” Quigley asked, as Duncan crossed the room to help calm down Beatrice ll. 

“At least it’s warm in the summer?” Violet tried.

“And probably warm in winter as well.” Isadora mused.

“Well, it is an island.” Duncan said, looking up from the small baby.

“So?” Quigkey said. “Tasmania’s an island and its fucking freezing.”

“How would you know what Tasmania is like?” Isadora asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Hello?” Quigley said. “I read books.”

Isadora rolled her eyes.

“Should we get some sleep?” Klaus asked. “It’s getting late.”

“Klaus, do you really not know anything about looking after babies?” Isadora asked. 

“Besides, I don’t think any of us are getting much sleep tonight.” Duncan added.

“But, we’re safe and all together.” Violet said. “And Olaf’s dead.”

“Maybe this series of unfortunate events is finally over.” Klaus suggested.

Violet smiled, weakly, laying her head on Quigley’s shoulder and patting her lap for Sunny to crawl up. Klaus rocked Beatrice as Duncan cooed at her. Isadora looked over at her friends, smiling and taking a sip of her hot chocolate and cinnamon. Maybe Klaus was right. Maybe they finally were safe.

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirty Two

If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting the rest of our lives

One Year Later

“Hey, we’re up to the last chapter.” Klaus said, excitedly, flipping over the cover of his parents book and reading aloud. “Today the seawall will flood, and we've reached our decision. We will leave the island in a boat Bertrand has built and named after me, to rejoin the world… in time for our first child to be born. We came here to raise children someplace safe, but we now realize we cannot shelter them forever. If it is a girl, we will name her Violet. And if it is a boy…” Klaus stopped reading for a moment a smile growing on his face.

“What?” Violet said, hanging over the small railing. “What were they going to call me?”

“Lemony!” Klaus exclaimed, laughing.

“They were going to call me Lemony?” Violet laughed.

“We met a Lemony, remember.” Duncan said. “At the hotel.”

“Do you reckon your parents knew him?” Isadora asked, picking up a discarded sock from the couch. “Whose is this?”

“They never told us about him.” Violet shrugged. “And isn’t that Klaus’?”

“I mean, our parents didn’t tell us about a lot of things.” Klaus said. “Also, it’s not my sock.”

“Hey.” Quigley called, sticking his head out of the bedroom door. “Has anyone seen my sock?”

“Pick up your own washing next time!” Isadora shouted, balling up the sock and pelting it at Quigley’s head.

“Ssh!” Sunny scolded. “Bea Bea’s trying to sleep.”

“Sorry.” Isadora whispered, grimacing apologetically.

Violet grinned, before following Quigley back into the bedroom.

“How’s the cake coming along, Sunshine?” Isadora asked, crossing the room and coming up behind Sunny.

“Good.” Sunny said.

Isadora stuck her finger into the mixing bowl, scooping out some of the mixture and sticking it in her mouth.

“Hey!” Sunny cried, batting the older girls hand away.

Isadora grinned guiltily at her, the chocolate cake mix still staining her tongue.

“Out.” Sunny ordered. “Out of my kitchen.”

Isadora groaned theatrically, staggering to the couch with her hand over to forehead and falling onto it.

“Klaus.” She whined. “Your sister’s bullying me.”

“She’s only five years old, Isadora.” Klaus said, rolling his eyes. “I don’t think it’ll scar you.”

“Hey!” Sunny cried again. “I’m very mean, stupid brother.”

“Ooh, burn on you.” Isadora giggled.

Duncan groaned, his concentration broken, throwing his commonplace book at his sister who let out an indignant shout.

“Bea Bea’s sleeping!” Sunny said again, glaring at the older children.

“Sorry.” Duncan winced. “What’s for morning tea?”

“Cake.” Sunny said. “For Bea Bea’s birthday.”

“Should babies eat cake?” Klaus asked, sceptically. 

“Should Prufrock Prep be able to open legally?” Isadora asked, rolling her eyes. “Of course not.”

“Then why are we making cake for the baby?” Klaus asked.

“Because we’re irresponsible teenagers.” Isadora sang, picking up Duncan’s commonplace book and throwing it back at him.

Klaus cornered his eyes at Isadora, turning back to the book open on the table in front of him.

“Wait.” Duncan said. “If it’s Bea’s birthday, then doesn’t that make it almost Decision Day?”

“Mmm.” Klaus said, looking up from his book. “If my calculations are correct, then it should be tomorrow.”

“If your calculations are correct.” Isadora scoffed. “Of course they are.”

Klaus smiled, rather proudly, at the compliment. “Should we get Violet and Quigley then, to discuss what we’re going to do?”

“You can go, Duncan.” Isadora volunteered.

“Gee, thanks, Isadora.” Duncan groaned. “They’ll probably be making out.”

“We live in a tiny treehouse.” Violet shouted, her voice carrying down from their shared bedroom. “We can hear literally everything you’re saying.”

“Don’t let her fool you!” Quigley’s voice came. “We’ve been making out this whole time.”

“Oh, shut up.” Violet shouted, and they could distinctly hear the sound of something hitting the floor.

A moment later, Violet and Quigley appeared in the doorway, the latter rubbing his arm.

“Did she push you off the bed?” Duncan exclaimed, a smile growing on his face.

“Shut up.” Quigley said, a flush creeping up his face as Violet began to laugh.

“It’s not my fault you're so short.” Violet smirked, ruffling his hair. “And easy to push.”

Quigley groaned, ducking away from Violet’s arm, dragging out the vowels as he spoke. “Stop. I’m going to be taller than you, soon.”

“Nope.” Violet said, determinedly. “Klaus is already taller than me, and that’s illegal, so you triplets have to stay short forever.”

“I actually think Duncan’s almost taller than you, Vi.” Isadora said, walking across the room to where they had measured everybody, just the week before and running her fingers along the pencil marks.

“Good.” Duncan said. “I’m fifteen years old. I want a growth spurt.”

“You can ask for one for Christmas.” Klaus grinned.

“You say that because you’re tall.” Duncan complained, leaning forwards on his elbows. “Anyway, Vi. Once I’m taller than you, you’ll still be taller than Sunny.”

“And Bea!” Sunny chirped.

“Well, that’s reassuring.” Violet said, pulling out one of the chairs from under the small dining table and sitting down.

Sunny turned back to the kitchen, pouring the chocolate cake mix into a pan and opening up the oven.

“Uh, uh, uh.” Violet said, sitting forward and wagging her finger in Sunny’s direction. “What are the rules about the oven, Sunny?”

Sunny sighed. 

“Always get an adult to help, or in your case a very inexperienced teenager, ‘cause that’s the best we have.” She parroted, looking as if she’d explained it many times.

“And don’t you forget it.” Violet said, standing up to put the cake in the oven.

“Sunny.” Quigley said sweetly. “Master chef, boss of the house, the very best at jigsaw puzzles and biting things, the most awesome, brilli—”

“What do you want?” Sunny interrupted, putting her hands on her hips.

Quigley paused for a moment. “Can I lick the bowl?”

Sunny sighed, deeply. “Fine.”

Violet stood back up, a smile on her face. “It’s official, I’m retiring. Sunny’s in charge from now on.”

“You never were in charge, dipshit.” Quigley cackled, picking up an apple from the fruit bowl and throwing it at Violet.

It fell at least a few metres short.

“When we get back to the mainland.” Violet said, dropping into the seat beside him, the bowl in her hands. “We’re buying a ball and I’m going to teach you to throw properly.”

Quigley tugged the bowl from her arms, placing it on the table in front of him.

“Are we going back to the mainland?” Klaus asked, looking up from his book and placing one of Violet’s ribbons in as a bookmark.

“Well, this is our chance to leave.” Duncan said, playing with the fraying ends of the ribbon.

“And go where?” Isadora asked. “Aren’t we still on the run for murder and arson?”

“Oh, shit.” Quigley said. “I forgot about that.”

“Maybe Justice Strauss managed to clear our names?” Klaus said, hopefully.

“I really doubt that.” Violet sighed, running a hand through her hair. “But maybe they’ve all forgotten?”

“Forgotten that six kids murdered and burnt down a hotel?” Quigley asked, raising an eyebrow sceptically. “Yeah, no, I don’t think so.”

“We can't shelter her forever.” Klaus said, gesturing towards Beatrice, sleeping peacefully in a handmade cot. “Our parents knew that.”

“But, if we leave, what will we find?” Isadora asked, leaning over and taking a scoop from the bowl in front of Quigley, who quickly tugged the bowl away, shooting her a glare.

“God only knows.” Duncan sighed.

“I think we should do it.” Quigley said. “Klaus is right, we can’t shelter her forever, and I’d prefer to be back on the mainland, where we can start over.”

Sunny nodded, thoughtfully. “Running low on supplies.”

“Should we vote?” Isadora asked.

The others all nodded.

“Uh, all in favour?” Violet asked, raising her hand.

Quigley raised his hand, muttering something about ‘not being a politician’ under his breath.

Isadora followed quickly, as Sunny climbed up onto a chair, raising her own arm.

Klaus raised his arm afterwards, leaving only Duncan with his hand lowered.

Duncan glanced around the room before hesitantly raising his arm.

“So we leave?” Klaus said, looking around as he lowered his arm. “Tomorrow when the seawall floods?”

They all nodded as they lowered their arms.

“Do we have a boat?” Quigley asked.

“There should still be the one we arrived on, right?” Isadora said. “It hasn’t been destroyed, has it?”

They all looked to Violet.

“Why is everyone looking at me?” Violet asked, raising her hands defensively and was met with knowing looks. “Okay, fine. No, I haven’t taken it apart.”

“We’d better pack all our shit then.” Isadora said, standing up and wiping her hands on her pale pants.

“No swearing.” Sunny said, crossly. “Bea’s only little.”

“You’re only little too, Sunny.” Isadora reminded her. “Does that mean you can’t swear?”

“Fuck no.” Sunny said, a smile growing on her face.

“Sunny!” Klaus cried, turning towards his younger sister in shock.

Sunny only shrugged happily as they all moved off to pack their things.

The next hour or so passed quickly. Violet dug out her parents' records, setting up the record player she had fixed a few months earlier and soon the treehouse was filled with music. The only sounds were questions, shouted over the heavy bassline.

“Isadora, where did those bags end up?”

“Sunny was using them last.”

“How many sets of clothes will we need?”

“We only have like, two each anyway.”

“Has anyone seen my commonplace book?”

“Check under the mattress.”

“What happened to the spare blanket?”

“It’s in the cupboard, where it always is.”

“Duncan, did you take my ribbon again?”

“I used it once, Vi!”

“Which books do we wanna take?”

“Ask Klaus.”

“Do you really need to pack the clock?”

“You never know what we might need.”

“What happened to those drinking flasks?”

“They’re in the kitchen.”

“Can anyone else smell smoke?”

“Smoke!?”

“Sunny! Your cake!”

Sunny raced down the stairs, Klaus at her heels.

Klaus wrenched open the oven door, coughing a little as thick black smoke drifted out. Sunny twisted the knobs, turning off the oven as Klaus grabbed a tea towel and took the slightly blackened cake out, placing it on the bench.

“How good are you at icing?” Klaus asked, dryly.

After Isadora had scraped off as much of the burnt cake as she could, Sunny had managed to make the cake look slightly presentable. She had also managed to dig out a candle, which she stuck in the middle, although they wouldn’t let her light it.

Beatrice was sitting up in the high chair at the table, the six children kneeling around her, dressed in their best clothes.

Violet carried out the cake, placing it in front of the small girl.

“Happy birthday!” They all cried in unison.

Beatrice smiled at the familiar sound of their voices, placing her hand forwards and smashing it into the cake.

“Oh, well.” Sunny said, shrugging as she held the little girl’s hand. “It was burnt anyway.”

“An island is an interesting place to be spending your birthday.” Duncan said, thoughtfully.

“Should we tell her about the one you had on a submarine?” Klaus asked.

“Or the one Klaus had in a jail cell?” Sunny smiled.

“Please, let me have a normal birthday next year.” Duncan begged.

“Aww, you didn’t like our island party?” Violet asked, a mock pout on her face. “I worked so hard on the streamers.”

“You made me go swimming and cut pieces of seaweed, which you then hung all through the bushes.” Quigley said. “And when I asked what for, you said that it was ‘a surprise.”

“The water was cold.” Violet shrugged. “And you had been boasting about what a great swimmer you were.”

Quigley put his head in his hands as they all began to laugh. “Next time I boast about something you have permission to slap me.”

“You sure you wanna make that a thing?” Isadora asked, raising her eyebrows.

“No, actually.” Quigley said hastily. “I take it back.”

They all smiled, as the record player switched to the next song and Beatrice smiled broadly at them. Things were looking up.

The next morning, they made their way out of the treehouse. Sadly glancing around their home for the last previous year before Violet switched off the light and they left.

Klaus led them down through the clearing, still loaded with the obscure items from their past along with new inventions of Violet’s, and they stopped at the two stones, a rough ‘K’ and an ‘O’ carved into them.

“It’s over.” Violet said, her eyes trained on the ‘O’. “We’re safe.”

Little Beatrice, in a handmade pram, stuck her arms out, waving them towards the second grave. Her mother’s.

They all took in a deep breath, breathing in the fresh salty air of the island as they pushed on, through the curtain on the rock face and towards the shore, where the boat was waiting.

Klaus was at the front, pushing Beatrice in the pram over the smooth sand. Duncan was walking next to him, a bag full of books, the one belonging to the Baudelaire’s parents packaged securely in the bottom of the bag, looped over his shoulder. Sunny skipped through the sand excitedly, just behind them, a bag with clothes in it dragging behind her. She had insisted on carrying something, and everything else was too heavy for her. Violet and Quigley carried a bag stacked with food and water, mainly full of cans and preservatives between them. Isadora brought up the rear, a backpack full of things that were important to them on her back.

Approaching the boat, they carefully packed the bags under the seats, where they were most likely to stay dry and safe. Isadora lifted Sunny into the boat, placing her on top of the clothing bag. 

Violet peered at the name on the boat.

“We can’t set sail on a boat named the ‘Olaf’.” She said.

“I think the original name is underneath.” Isadora said, stepping forwards and pulling at the splintered wood.

It fell off, revealing the name.

“Beatrice.” Klaus read, realisation falling over his face. “What are the chances?”

Beatrice gurgled, showing off her pearly white teeth.

“Yes, that is your name.” Duncan cooed, as Beatrice grabbed his finger.

“It was our mothers name, too.” Klaus explained to the small baby.

“Are we ready to do this?” Isadora asked.

“If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting the rest of our lives.” Quigley answered.

Klaus grinned, lifting Beatrice out of the pram, pushing it up the shore and climbing into the boat. 

The other children followed suit, Violet and Quigley staying behind to push the boat out.

As the boat was adrift, they clambered over the back, taking their places at the tiller. Isadora sat on the bottom of the boat, the rope for the mainsail in her hands as Duncan sat up at the head of the boat.

As the boat rocked, Beatrice began to cry.

“It’s okay, little thing.” Sunny said, reaching over to pat her head. “It’s okay, Bea.”

“Let’s go home.” Violet said, determinedly as she pulled on the tiller and a gust of wind hit the sail.

The world is a complicated and confusing place, with more stories than even one very dedicated, very lonely researcher can uncover. Stories of two submarine co-captains on a mission to find their missing stepfather. Or a troupe of actors finding personal and artistic fulfillment. I've even heard of a brave snake who swam a great distance to carry an apple to a certain outrigger. Though, of course, there are still unknowns. Sometimes a chapter might end, but that doesn't mean that the story is over. And some stories go on, even after the storyteller has stopped telling them. Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives.