Chapter Text
AN: Sorry for the long delay. We're rebuilding the relationship! TW for self-injury and unhealthy behaviors.
Jack could tell Spencer was unwell.
He didn’t know the details, obviously. All he knew was his play partner could barely stand up on his own, and he could feel every rib when he hugged Spencer.
He would lie on the floor with Spencer, drawing dinosaurs while the doctor solved complex mathematical equations. Jack’s presence had a drastic effect on Spencer’s recovery, giving him incentive to stay clean.
Spencer barely ate on his own, but Jack pestered him over and over to eat whenever they were together. He even sometimes tried to spoon-feed Spencer, wanting his friend to “get better.”
Aaron never thought he would see Spencer eating box mac n cheese with a neon yellow spoon, but Jack was very influential. Whereas Aaron had previously used his authority as a Dom to get Spencer to care for himself, Jack used emotions to guilt-trip Spencer into caring for himself. Even if it was not the most ethical route, it worked.
Aaron was hopeful about their relationship. It was slowly, very slowly, starting to rebuild. Spencer was still skittish, hesitant to engage in anything but was letting Aaron spend more time around him and accepting a bit more physical touch.
It was too soon for Aaron to offer to resume his role as Spencer’s Dom. Spencer didn’t have nearly enough trust in him to even consider allowing him to take over again.
There were still new bruises appearing on Spencer’s body despite how closely Aaron and Dave were watching him. It was apparent that Spencer was trying to regain some sense of self-control through self-injury.
He did it in places that couldn’t be seen easily, opting for his thighs most often.
Aaron put a pillow on Spencer’s lap whenever he saw the younger man digging his knuckles in. He offered Spencer a rubber band to wear around his wrist so that Spencer could snap it instead of hitting himself.
When they were at work, Derek and JJ were trailing Spencer everywhere, watching his every move. He was unsteady, staying with Dave as much as possible. He was a bit more hesitant to be around Aaron alone, but he often perched himself in the same room to be close but not too close.
JJ started bringing Henry around more often as he began walking on his own. Spencer had practically adopted Jack as a son, so having him and his godson together kept Spencer so focused, he had no time to get lost in his head when he was around them.
During a particularly calm day, Jessica brought Jack and Will brought Henry to the office. The two boys immediately ran to Spencer, bolting right past JJ and Aaron. They stuck to Spencer like magnets, hugging him tightly.
Even though Henry was younger than Jack and not as aware, he seemed to understand that Spencer was physically fragile. He didn’t climb all over Spencer, waiting patiently for the doctor to stand and walk rather than pulling on him.
The two of them became his mini bodyguards. When they felt Derek was being a little too rough as he put an arm around Spencer’s shoulder, they started pushing on his legs as they shouted, “Back! Back!”
“Hey, hey,” Derek tutted. “Don’t push people.”
“Don’t hurt him,” Jack pouted.
“I’m not hurting him,” Derek assured them. “He’s my best friend.”
Spencer smiled, bumping against him slightly before the two boys led him to a smaller corner of the room.
Spencer sat cross-legged on the floor with the boys on either side of him. The three of them drank juice boxes while chatting about space and how movies filmed scenes with “zero gravity.” He made sure that no case files were anywhere near the kids, looking out for any potential threat.
At some point, the two boys’ energy crashed. They promptly fell asleep, leaning on Spencer. He stayed as still as possible, only shaking his outstretched legs.
“Do you need a pillow?” Aaron asked Spencer.
The doctor shook his head, happy to act as a human pillow for his two favorite tiny humans. Spencer had a small smile on his face the entire time, looking more at peace than they’d seen him be for a long time.
He must have lost track of time because it felt like he had only blinked and then the work day was over. With no active or particularly pressing cases, they were free to go home.
“Jack, we gotta get up now. Auntie Jess is here,” Aaron gently shook his son’s shoulder while JJ tenderly scooped Henry into her arms. Jack let out an annoyed whine, clinging to Spencer’s shirt.
“I don’ wanna!” he yelled as Aaron picked him up. “I wan’ Spencer!”
The doctor stood up as Jack wriggled in Aaron’s arms, fighting against him and crying. Being woken from his nap had made Jack cranky, and Spencer certainly related.
“It’s okay,” Spencer assured him calmly. “I’ll see you soon. I’m pretty tired. I think I need a good nap too.”
Jack immediately ceased fighting, the gears of his brain turning. He wanted to spend more time with Spencer, but if Spencer was tired, he didn’t want to keep him awake.
Jack sniffled, nodding solemnly. “Okay,” he said quietly.
Spencer ruffled his hair affectionately. Jack made a grabby-hands motion and Spencer gave him the hug he was asking for.
“Can’t you come with us?” Jack asked.
“I’ll come visit soon, buddy,” Spencer said, patting the boy’s back. Despite Jack’s screaming, Henry hadn’t stirred at all.
Spencer had such a fond look on his face when he looked at the two kids. He never thought he’d have paternal feelings, or feelings at all about child-rearing for that matter. He was in a sort of limbo between older sibling, uncle, and parental figure. He didn’t care what it was as long as he got to have Jack and Henry in his life.
He waved goodbye to JJ, packing his bag. He thought Aaron left with no goodbye, but he returned a matter of minutes later without Jack, having given him to Jessica. Her house was closer to his school, and it gave Rory an opportunity to be with his Grandson, especially if Aaron could be called away at a moment’s notice.
“Do you want a ride home?” Aaron asked.
Spencer was quiet for a minute as he debated. He wanted to be around Aaron, but a long ride alone with him could either be great or panic attack-inducing.
Spencer eventually nodded, deciding that, if they were going to try and rebuild a connection, he needed to get over his aversion to being alone with him.
The drive was awkward, unspoken words hanging in the air between them. Spencer turned on the radio. He was more than willing to endure the awful pop music if it meant filling the silence, but Aaron changed the channels until it landed on classical.
“Thank you,” Spencer mumbled.
Aaron pulled into the guest parking of Spencer’s apartment and walked him to his door. Spencer turned the key in his lock, pausing and looking at Aaron with uncertainty.
“Do you… do you wanna come in and talk?” Spencer asked.
Aaron snatched up the opportunity, nodding and following Spencer inside. He sat on the couch, watching Spencer pace around. The doctor had his arms wrapped around himself, trying to soothe the anxiety he was feeling.
After a few minutes of silence, Spencer suddenly approached, head hanging low.
“Take over again, please,” Spencer said quietly. “I can’t… I can’t handle it on my own anymore. It’s too much.”
Aaron understood that Spencer was referring to the chaos in his brain that was only managed when Aaron was in control.
“Come sit down,” Aaron patted the couch.
Spencer quickly obeyed, relieved to have an order.
“Let’s get some rules out of the way,” Aaron said. “I know that it’s hard for you to hand over control to me right now. I will spend every moment making it up to you and proving that I won’t ever do something like that again. I swear to you, on Haley’s soul, I will not abandon you ever again.”
Spencer took a deep breath, nodding. It would take a long time for him to reach that level of trust again when so many people in his life had left. He still struggled with the Gideon situation, constantly fighting the urge to track down his mentor. It was almost worse that Aaron had emotionally abandoned him instead of physically, because he had seen Aaron every day, but was unable to properly connect with him in any way.
“The number one rule is the same as before: we have to communicate openly. When something is bothering you, I need to know. If it means you need to scream or throw a fit, that’s okay. Whatever you need to do for you to tell me. I will be honest with you as well,” Aaron said.
“Okay,” Spencer agreed.
“Do you want a new safeword?” Aaron asked. “A new start?”
“The stoplight system,” Spencer said. “Green is good. Red is stop. If I say ‘yellow’, I want to pause whatever is happening and talk it through, even if it’s not in a scene or anything.”
Aaron nodded, fully agreeing that it was the best option.
“Would you like to have a daily schedule again?” Aaron questioned.
“Yes,” Spencer said before Aaron even finished asking. He was desperate for stability, something steady that he could rely on.
“Please find me a pen and something to write on, Doll,” Aaron said.
Spencer quickly fetched a notepad and a pen, eagerly giving it to Aaron.
Aaron wrote out a rigid daily schedule for Spencer to follow, just as he had done when they first started their relationship. Even though Spencer memorized it right away, Aaron still taped it to a place that he would see every day to serve as a visual reminder.
Within just a single week, the anger and defiance Spencer had been showing for the past several months tampered down significantly, and he didn’t push back much on the parameters of the schedule. It showed exactly how much Spencer had needed direction, and Aaron made sure to keep him on the schedule even when they were out on a case and away from home.
A Dominant/submissive dynamic was built entirely on trust, but Spencer didn’t fully trust Aaron still. Sure, he knew Aaron would respect a safeword, and the man was trying his hardest to take care of him, but Spencer struggled to believe what he said. It was difficult to believe it whenever Aaron called him beautiful. It was difficult to believe it when Aaron told him he was the most precious thing to him. It was really difficult to believe it when Aaron promised he would never leave again.
For someone who already had crippling trust issues beforehand, it was incredibly hard for him to not analyze every little thing Aaron said.
They went to Ohio for a case and Aaron nearly took a bullet to protect him. Later that same day, he kicked in a door to reach Spencer when the doctor was locked in a room by the unsub with a decaying body in the corner.
Aaron took Spencer back to the hotel, showered him because Spencer was convinced he had the smell of death clinging to him, and then comforted him while he worked through the emotions of finding a victim too late.
When they got home, Spencer was the one to initiate physical contact. He tossed a pillow on the floor beside Aaron and lowered himself, kneeling and resting his cheek against the older agent’s thigh. He let out a hum of approval when Aaron tentatively stroked his hair.
They soon fell back into their routine of Spencer kneeling whenever he was too stressed and needed relief from his mind.
A month or so later, Spencer allowed him to bind his wrists. It was an incredibly slow, emotionally charged process of Spencer rebuilding trust in him. As much as it pained Aaron to see how far Spencer had mentally retreated, he completely understood why, and even when he was frustrated, he refused to allow any hint of impatience.
Spencer started alternating between spending the night at Aaron’s place or allowing Aaron to stay overnight at his apartment. Aaron could see the life starting to return to Spencer’s apartment. It was clean, the curtains were opened slightly to allow light in, and he restarted his indoor plant sanctuary.
With the winter weather returning, Spencer filled his apartment with sun lamps to give himself a bit of light therapy to increase his serotonin. Aaron put some in his own place so that Spencer would be comfortable when he visited.
He got Spencer a new fluffy hooded, weighted blanket. Spencer was cold all of the time, so Aaron made sure to have plenty of things to keep him warm. Spencer was still not at a healthy weight, but he was getting a bit closer with Aaron’s insistants that he ate. Aaron still occasionally found self-inflicted bruises, but it was happening far less frequently and Spencer was finally starting to talk to him first instead of letting it escalate to the point where he needed to release the stress on himself.
After a particularly stressful case that had them in Arkansas for over three weeks, they were all desperate to get home and have some time to recuperate.
Aaron invited Spencer over, cooking for them both and putting on a movie that he knew was a comfort film for Spencer. The doctor inched toward him over the course of the movie until he was pressed up against Aaron’s side. The older man tentatively wrapped an arm around Spencer, playing with his hair.
“Why do you like that movie so much?” Aaron asked when it ended.
“There’s no violence. Nothing traumatic. It’s lighthearted. I need that after all of the things we see,” Spencer said.
“Understandable,” Aaron said, fully understanding what he meant. “Do you wanna watch another one?”
Spencer nodded, following Aaron into the kitchen to assist him in making tea and finding snacks to satisfy the movie-watching munchies.
While Aaron poured the hot water, Spencer added the tea and pushed Aaron’s cup toward him.
“Thank you,” Aaron petted his hair, admiring the doctor’s big doe eyes looking up at him.
Spencer’s eyes drifted to Aaron’s lips before meeting his gaze again.
“Can I kiss you?” Aaron asked.
Spencer nodded shyly, tilting his head back and closing his eyes as Aaron softly kissed him. Spencer didn’t know he was crying until Aaron was gently wiping the tears from his cheeks.
“I love you,” Aaron whispered, caressing him as their lips separated. Aaron hugged him tightly as Spencer broke down, collapsing against him and letting out the most heart-wrenching cries.
“I… missed you… so much,” Spencer managed to get out between his sobs.
“I missed you too. I love you, Spencer. My beautiful boy. I won’t ever let you go, I promise,” Aaron said, and he fully meant it.