Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Remus pushed his dorm door open, fully expecting the almost naked queer on the curved couch to be covered in that body glitter he loved. Doesn’t mean his eyes didn’t do wide every time or how red he’d continued to become.

“Back so late, babes?” asked Remy, sliding his ring finger across his lip as he surveyed himself in his selfie camera, deciding whether the neutral tone of his ring light was okay or if he should switch to the cool toned bulbs.

“Did you need help finding your clothes while I was in class?” Remus joked, jumping onto a cushy dad chair across from his roommate in the conversation pit. The silence of being suspended midair was the perfect teaser for the feeling of his spine cracking when his back hit the chair. Remus moaned in pleasure.

“Jesus Christ! Warn a fella next time!” Remy gasped out, his hands having flown to his chest in shock.

“Huh?” Endorphins were rolling through Remus like hot water does when you’re under the shower head. “Oh, boy, you don’t know how much I needed that after that honor clinical.”

“Uh, girl, I can see how much you needed it.” Remy had now turned red in laughter, and was fanning his face. “Oof, this doll needs to calm down. I need a good set of photos for Grindr.”

“Oh, is that a hazing thing? I wanted to ask you about a frat.” Remus perked up, suddenly no longer interested in how the chair was doing wonders for his back.

Remy choked on air and held up a finger. “Pause.”

Remus stayed still, eyes watching with intent.

“Okay, let’s unpack all of that. First of all, Grindr is not a hazing thing. Grindr is like...Tinder but for gays.” Remy stated, watching Remus for any indication of anything. Who the fuck was 18 years old, out of the closet, and hadn’t heard of Grindr?

Remus was staring at Remy the same way he stared at Mr. Sloane when they first told him about cells in third grade., nodding along like he was taking mental notes.

“I know that you’re taken and all, but if it ever seems like something you’re interested in, I’m always here if you want to make an account.” Remy kept his voice sweet, feeling as though he was talking to a middle school, newly-outing queer - but Remus wasn’t. Remus was the same age as him!

“Account.” Remus said, as if he was trying out the word. Then Remy saw the light bulb flash above Remus’s head. “It’s social media?”

Remy wanted to roll over and die. “Yes. It’s a dating app. Or, rather, more of a hookup app - but relationships come out of it all the time!”

“Oh!” Remus nodded, enticed by new information, even though he was very much excited to be with Patton and wasn’t interested in anyone else.

“Remus,” Remy began, unsure of where his mouth was taking the conversation, “have you ever had social media before?”

“I had accounts like Quizlet and Microsoft Teams for school!” Remus stated excitedly, happy that it wasn’t a simple no.

Remy’s mouth gaped for a second, but he forced himself to close it. Now was not the time to be judgemental. “Do you want to make some social media accounts? Like Instagram?”

“I’ve heard of that one! Is that another dating app? I don’t think I would if it is.”

“No, baby. It’s not.” Remy grabbed his phone, walking over and plopping himself on top of Remus.

Even though they had just met two weeks ago, both Rems felt like the other had completed a piece in each other’s lives. Despite only knowing each other for such a short time, Remus didn’t even blink when Remy straddled him while half naked, a little bit of body glitter falling onto his sweater. Yes, Remus’s eyes still bulged out of his head, but that was because he was still getting used to it.

“Here.” Remy held his phone in front of Remus’s face, tone not allowing any argument. “Be amazed.”

Remus accepted Remy’s phone, seeing what this “instagram” was. The title on the profile was “thequeersomniac”, and the number above “followers” said 1.3m. Remus scrolled through the collection of photos before going back to the top and clicking on a specific photo of Remy next to a beautiful waterfall. Remus inspected the words under Remy’s name on the photo.

“‘The Devil’s Cauldron’?” Remus asked, looking up at the physical Remy on top of him.

“It’s in Ecuador. I think the town is called Banos. My parents would bring us there all the time when we were kids, but they would bring us all over Latin and South America when they could.” Remy held a nostalgic smile.

“You know a lot of specific cities across different countries,” Remus stated as he swiped through the collage of pictures, “Geography major?”

“What? Oh, no! I just always found it important to take notice of what cities are important to the culture.” Remy was blushing again, but made no move to wave at his face nor hide his blush. “But I do find geography pretty cool. It’s my little...geek thing, I guess.”

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed. It’s a really cool personal interest, actually.” Remus said as best as he could as he read the paragraph-for-a-caption on the post underneath it. “‘I have learned that it is time to be myself since everyone else is taken - and like my ass, this is all me’.”

Remy playfully smacked Remus’s chest for imitating his caption, but Remus looked at him with knowing eyes.

“Okay, so, it’s not fair to not hide my nerdy interest when I was just posting about being oneself and blah blah blah, but I have media to maintain!” Remy whined, throwing his head back.

Remus cocked an eyebrow, but decided to click on the comments.

“When I find a moment that I think will be a really cool way to bring it to my followers, I will!” Remy sheepishly gave in just to make Remus lose to extended eyebrow that playfully, but truly, mocked him.

“You mentioned a frat earlier?” Remy’s eyes widened. How was Remus going to join a frat when he hadn’t even known what Instagram was? Had he ever even had wine ?

“Oh, yes!” Remus handed Remy his phone, bringing his two hands around the back of his head. “I heard about Plevres Ammou! I heard it’s like, the top social class of fraternities on campus and that a lot of honors students join it.”

“It’s a ‘top social class’ frat because it’s usually a bunch of rich kids, not because it’s any good.” Remy replied honestly. Not to assume, but he saw how little Remus had when he came in for the first time. He wasn’t wealthy by any means.

“Oh! Well, you’re legacy, right? Maybe you could direct me into a different frat — like the one you’re going into, if you were. If you don’t mind!”

“Girl, I am legacy to the max. Like, so legacy that I’m basically origin story.” Remy joked, putting his GBF persona back on. “But that’s the frat I’m going into. It’s expensive to get in but what are they gonna do? Charge me? Those funds basically go straight to me anyways.”

“Oh.” Remus tried not to be disappointed, but it snuck out into the air. “Are there other frats you’d like to direct me to? Hopefully cheaper ones, or ones that take scholarship.”

Remy’s heart strings pulled as he suddenly became overwhelmed by the need to have Remus next to him in this “new” endeavor.

Yes, Stoakes University has been his entire life before he was born. Yes, he had decided he was going to be in that frat before he even knew what a frat really was. But over these last two weeks, he finally had a friend that didn’t see him for his money or his queer status. He was allowed to be flamboyant without being fetishized, glamorized, or demonized. He could switch the flip from being vulnerable to putting the walls back up and Remus wouldn’t comment — not because he didn’t care, but because he didn’t want to push Remy. Despite having a nicer dorm, despite clearly seeing Remy practically flashing his money, it really felt like Remus was his friend.

Maybe Remy should be nicer about Remus being a “late bloomer” in pop culture. Not like he wasn’t a late bloomer in social circles.

“None that I can think of.” Remy started. Remus’s face didn’t fall, though he did look up at the chandelier. “...Because I’m going to pay your way in.”

“What?!” Remus’s face snapped back to face Remy. “You will be doing no such thing.”

“Whaaaatt??? They have to let me in, I’m Remy fucking Barrie — and they would probably let me in for free because I’m Remy fucking Barrie.” Remy flourished.

Remus went to interrupt, but Remy cut him off again.

“And I don’t want to be Remy fucking Barrie if I don’t have a friend by my side.”

“You have lots of friends! And you’ll obviously make friends there!” Remus reassured, more focused on making Remy feel happy than anything about himself.

“Not real friends. Well, maybe. But I don’t want to do that without my bitch by my side. You are the first person who isn’t my family to look at me like I’m a person .” Remy tried keeping the walls up, but it always came crumbling down when Remus looked at him like that. Like he cared and didn’t care if he gained nothing out of it.

“Not some boy toy who can pay for the dinners. Not some gay best friend that has no feelings besides horny for dick and fashion advice.” Remy began to tear up. He didn’t know where this whirlwind of emotions came from; and even though his mind was screaming at him to just stop and not inconvenience Remus, a louder part of his brain was saying that he was safe and loved and accepted. “Not some crybaby brat with money. Not some rich boy you have to be nice to or else ‘ my daddy will ruin you ’!”

Remy was shocked by the cloth that was wiping away his tears. Remy turned back to Remus ( when did he look away? ) and saw that Remus had removed his sweater just for Remy to cry into it.

“I don’t think you’re any of those things, Rem. I think you are incredibly smart and funny and lovely and lively . The second I met you, there was that instant connection that you are such a good person and you light up our dorm room more than the chandelier does!” Remus exclaimed, soothingly rubbing on Remy’s arms.

Remy laughed, a tad humorlessly, but happy nonetheless.

“Nobody may have the pleasure of having lived with you besides your family and I as of right now, but I promise you that nobody needs to live with you to be alive with you. You have so much life and potential in your eyes, and that’s such a small part of you!” Remus complimented, holding Remy’s hand and dragging his thumb across his glittery knuckles.

“I also don’t have a dad to ruin anyone. Both of my parents are non-binary, so I call them Zaza and Cenn. Joan is Cenn and Talyn is Zaza, in case you ever meet them. They’re pretty cool parents.” Remy was flushed by his earlier statement, feeling the need to note that who was traditionally considered his “dad” was his Cenn, and wanted to avoid Remus misgendering them if he wanted to make a comment on that.

“Every moment, I find out something interesting about you. It’s amazing that you don’t see if, but you’re, of course, the person this is about. There’s no way you’re not ‘numb’ to how cool you are.” Remus nodded along, making sure to put a note in his phone that Joan was Cenn and Talyn was Zaza, just so he didn’t make the mistake of calling them by the wrong title.

“Since I let you into some pretty personal stuff, would you let me pay your way into Plevres Ammou?” Remy asked, though it sounded partially rhetorical.

“I can’t use you for your money, Remy. There’s no way I could pay you back.” Remus went to continue, but Remy put a finger to his lips.

“Well, if a fraternity ticket scholarship was to mysteriously be assigned to a certain student with the last name Reyes, would that be acceptable?” Remy asked, hoping he wasn’t making Remus uncomfortable. Maybe I should pull my finger away. That will be helpful in not making him uncomfortable.

“What about other students who also want to join frats but can’t because of money? That’s not fair to them, Rems.” Remus faltered. Here he was, money basically being thrown at him in order to get something he wants, but here he was, mentally scolding himself for being greedy enough to even entertain the idea.

“I’ll make it a proper scholarship thing for eligible students to make sure everybody gets that college experience. Please, Remes~!” Remy whined, desperate to convince his friend to join him.

“Since other people will be eligible, and I still feel guilty with it being ‘rigged’ so I’m definitely one of the winners, you win.” Remus caved. Maybe he was a terrible for giving in to temptation, but darn he wanted it.

“I always do!” Remy cheered, flopping down and cuddling into Remus. “We’re also going shopping tomorrow. No ifs, ands, or buts!”

“Hehe, butts.” Remus was far too tired to not let the immature joke slip out. Woah. Imagine the scolding he’d get from his mother for such a crude joke?

“Am I rubbing off on you?” Remy teased, poking at Remus’s pec.

“Well, I hear best friends tend to do that.” Remus chuckled, squeezing Remy a bit tighter. Remy returned the favor.

They stayed like that for another ten minutes until Remus’s neck began to hurt from hanging it off the side of the couch for so long. Not wanting to get up, he tried twisting his neck so that the blood would get flowing again. Turning his head reminded him of the long forgotten, still lit tripod.

“Uh, weren’t you taking some selfies for…” Remus snapped his fingers behind Remy’s back, trying to figure out what the app was. Ah ha! “Grindr!”

“Oh shit!” Remy shot up, looking down on Remus to inspect the glitter fallout. He really didn’t want to apply more, this was going to be hard enough to shower off.

“Golly-gee, Remy! It didn’t even smudge!”

“And THAT’S on Urban Decay All-Nighter Spray!”

“Sounds fun! Is that another app thing?”

”....No, honey.”

Chapter Text

It’s normal for people to discover and partake in masturbation in their quarters. Remus totally knew that.

But Remus also knew that most weren’t staring at their freshman finals season on their calendar when they did.

He had seen some memes on Instagram that mentioned lotion and tissues. Though it may have appeared to be a stupid way to promote greed, vanity, and lust, Remus very much enjoyed the additional attention he got from strangers online. Mostly preteens looking for more content of Remy, but he’ll take what he can get. He even considered taking a photography course to take better pictures for his best friend!

But that was besides the point. What Instagram didn’t show him, because of community guidelines, was how masturbation was supposed to work.

It was supposed to feel good, obviously, as it was voluntary and many people volunteered to partake.

“Ow!” Remus winced as he grabbed his penis too tight. He really should just look up porn to see it in action - visual learning was a valid and useful form of education - but for some reason, he just couldn’t. Like there was something morally blocking him.

Masturbation was wrong. Premarital sex was wrong. Both of those were sins.

As his mother described to him once after a doctor’s appointment when the doctor hadn’t believed Remus was being truthful about not being sexually active, masturbation was “self-rape” and premarital sex was “raping yourself of God’s grace.”

Remus kept his mouth pulled into a tight line as he listened so such a horrible word being thrown around in a context it definitely wasn’t supposed to, but internalized her message. Sexual feelings were wrong.

The blowjob with Virgil should’ve relieved those feelings - feeling like he was subhuman for listening to his body’s physiological wants and desires.

Heck, high school biology should’ve relieved those feelings - what he was feeling was completely natural!

But he couldn’t help but admit that he felt dirty after what he did with Virgil. Not that it was Virgil’s fault or that he was coerced in any way, but it was the best his body had ever felt.

Remus had felt guilty, yes, but he never asked for forgiveness on the pews because he didn’t regret his sin. Sometimes, when he could see Virgil from the corner of his eye, just a few sections over, he would think about being on his knees at Virgil’s bedside instead of the third mass of the day.

He hadn’t touched himself before or after his event with Virgil. He didn’t even touch himself when he was with Virgil, even when Virgil had asked.

So that’s why he was here — splayed our on his bed like a starfish on top of a towel with two boxes of tissues and a family size bottle of lotion to his right.

Why a family size? It’s the one that was on sale at Dot & Larry’s when he was first moving in and Remus now had better lotions for his skin, thanks to Remy, and it was the only one Remus was willing to use up for this endeavor.

No meme ever specified how much lotion he should be using. He figured that maybe it was supposed to be enough that you could barely see your penis and you would barely be able to see your cum so it’ll be easier (emotionally) to clean.

Yeah, that idea didn’t pan out the way he thought it would. He just wasted all of that lotion and was staring at a semi-hard, soft-to-the-touch penis.

“Work with me, buddy,” Remus grumbled out, “12 year olds know how to work you!”

Remus started at his penis for a little while longer before he let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing his hands over her face. “I’m literally talking to my penis.”

“So you have a voice kink?” Remy asked from outside the door.

“Remy!” Remus shouted, suddenly aware that his door was ajar and even though his best friend was respectfully turned away, he most definitely saw. “How much did you see?”

“I saw you clean up a whole liter of lotion of your dick.” Remy admitted, a bit too casual for someone who was blushing down to his chest.

“It wasn’t a liter.” Remus grumbled as he fished for his boxers off the floor. “I thought you were with your boy toy today!”

“Yeah, we finished because she had a meeting. It’s a female pronoun day.” Remy responded. “So, you’ve never masturbated before?”

Remus tugged his underwear on and threw a blanket over himself. He wanted to deny it, but Remy had both seen and heard him. “No, I haven’t. I’m covered now so if you want to come in, you can.”

Remy came in, a teasing but loving smile plastered on his face as he sat at the bottom on Remus’s bed. “Not...once?”

“I got a blowjob once.” Remus stated simply, thinking of Virgil. Was that weird?

“How the fuck does somebody get a blowjob before they figure out how to get off by themselves? Did you tell them that you had never masturbated?” Remy asked incredulously.

“Well, you know, I had very protective parents that I was scared of defying, so I would hop into a cold shower and hoped the feeling would go away - or ignore it by wearing tight pants but a big sweater to cover up any physical evidence that I was having sinful thoughts.” Remus rambled, burying himself into the blanket. “Anyways, I was only allowed to sleepover at somebody else’s house once during every school year. I was really close to this kid, Virgil, we were friends because we served breakfast after mass, and I slept over one day and he came up with the idea that we should practice giving each other blowjobs so we can be ready for our future husbands.”

“And…?” Remy prodded further.

“Do you know what a blowjob is?” Remus asked, confused as what Remy was actually asking. “Do...you not?”

“No! What do you think I did before I saw you?” Remy exclaimed, rubbing his hands over his face. “Did you not use your hands at all? Not even like, a little stroking?”

“We were 16 and it was the first time I didn’t deal with my manliness without ice cold water!” Remus defended himself, making Remy smack his face with both hands.

“Never refer to it as your ‘manliness’ ever again, first of all, and secondly, you didn’t think to look at porn to help you out? You’re legal and it’s not like those sites check.” Remy grumbled from behind his hands, “Did you not think to ask your boyfriend?”

“Looking at porn is a sin. Feeling lust without the intent of procreation is a sin. Premarital sex or wedlock is a sin. Being gay is technically a sin - so premarital sex with another man, therefore unable to have kids with, is absolute damnation.” Remus listed off, rubbing his forehead.

“Remus, you’re not a bad person because you’re horny.” This was the weirdest pep talk Remy had ever given in his life, but he needs to be there for his friend - who looks at though he didn’t believe him in the slightest. “Do you think I’m a bad person because I have casual sex?”

“No, of course not!” Remus shouted, before he internalized the words. “I guess you’re right.”

“Look, I get a bunch of randoms who send me videos of them masturbating. Want me to forward them to you?” It was also, apparently, the grossest.

“‘Randoms’? Like, they don’t ask you before they send them?” Remus was so confused. “Isn’t that...a crime?”

“Against God or legally?” Remy joked, playfully swatting at Remus’s leg.

“Both?” Remus’s voice was small.

“Probably, and I’m probably not supposed to send it to you, but what are they gonna do?” Remy shrugged, standing up, “So is that a yes?”

“Yes, please. Thank you, Remy.” Remus tugged his lips into a soft smile.

“That’s what best friends are for.” Remy called out behind him as he waltzed out of Remus’s room.

He so needed coffee, but the idea of staying awake and thinking about his best friend discovering masturbation the next room over was not ideal - so he figured he’d just go to sleep after forwarding the videos. When did my life get so weird?