Chapter Text
The next morning, on the day of the Scrubb concert, Tine wakes up with a heavy heart with sweat clinging to his back from the remnants of his nightmare. He also wakes up to a flurry of Sarawat's messages.
Sarawat: I'm sorry that I haven't been able to drop breakfast off today.
Sarawat: Rehearsals started very early.
Sarawat: Please eat something, little buffalo.
Sarawat: Text me when you're up.
Sarawat: Also you can be there around 2pm, I'll meet you at the backstage.
Tine: im up. although im more worried about your lack of typos?????
Sarawat: Good morning. Eat something. If you faint today I swear to god I will fight you.
Sarawat: I am using voice to text.
Tine: FINALLY! see you @ 2!!! All the best, asshole. Kill it.
Sarawat: <3
He checks his Instagram and is mildly surprised to find Sarawat uploading their picture on his account. He doesn't bother stifling the huge smile on his face. It's one of the pictures they clicked yesterday. When he sees the way Sarawat is looking at him in the picture, he sees nothing but open affection. His heart speeds up again. Could it be–
No. No. No. He tells himself. It couldn't be and we don't want it to be.
He has captioned his picture as— "The nuisance and the handsome prince."
'Asshole <3' Tine comments without thinking too much. Tine's curiosity piques at the hundreds and thousands of comments that the picture has received. Most of the comments are about Sarawat's fans speculating whether they're together. Tine shakes his head, smiling a little. Some comments point out the open affection that Sarawat's eyes hold for him. But some comments are just plain cruel. Tine can't get it out of his mind.
'sarawat hanging out with someone like him is the biggest joke this year has seen.'
'so this is the person sarawat has been hanging out with? 🙄'
'isnt he the dude from that video??? wonder what sarawat sees in him'
***
Those comments have been engraved in Tine's brain. He doesn't understand why it affects him the way it does. They were just a few comments, he reasons, against a majority of supportive and heartwarming comments. They shouldn't be upsetting Tine the way it does.
"You don't look the way you do before a Scrubb concert, Tine," Fong says as they eat lunch together.
"You've been to Scrubb concerts before?" Boss asks, with feign innocence. Man elbows him and Boss snickers in reply. Tine doesn't understand what they mean.
"Uh–" he says, now confused as to how Man elbowing Boss turned into a tickle-fight. "Uh, yeah. Just one," he says as Man and Boss straighten up.
"We couldn't have known," Boss chuckles.
"Yeah, Tine," Man says. "We didn't know that at all!"
Tine and Fong exchange eye contact. "I am fine," Tine replies to Fong's previous question.
Fong narrows his eyes. Tine sighs.
"It's just a bad day," he says at last. He's just woken up with a heavy heart, with dread crawling his stomach. It will get better. It always does. He just hopes this doesn't ruin the day that he's been looking forward since last year.
"Don't worry Tine," Boss says as they're almost about to leave. Fong and Man are way ahead, having an animated discussion about something.
"Huh?" Tine asks.
Boss sighs. "You must have seen the comments on Sarawat's post, right? Man and I were about to write something threatening but we've reported them instead."
Boss surprises him sometimes.
"How did you know that I was upset about them?"
Boss sighs again, putting a hand around Tine's shoulder and giving it a squeeze. "I just had a feeling, I guess" he says.
“Does Sarawat know?” Tine asks. Boss shakes his head. “I don’t know, he’s been in rehearsal today. Besides, if he sees them he’d threaten them so it’s best that he doesn’t.”
He proceeds to run towards Man and intertwines their fingers together.
Boss' reassurance makes Tine feel a bit at ease, the clawing feeling in his stomach slowly going away. They head towards where the concert is supposed to happen when Man shouts, "shit!" He turns towards Tine with a sense of urgency. "Sarawat texted like 10 minutes ago. He's asked you to come to the backstage. If they don't let you in, tell them you're his friend," Man says.
***
"What do you mean you don't believe the fact that we're friends?"
The two seniors block the door to where Sarawat is.
"Listen, kid," one of them says, "three people already tried pulling this trick on us a while back."
Tine almost rips his hair with frustration. "This is not a trick. I am his friend!"
"Friend," a senior snorts. "Sure. We've never seen you around."
"Well we are new friends and–"
The senior rolls his eyes. "Look, we've always heard this before he performs, okay? He always has some friends that come see him. They're not really his friends, he just feels sorry for them because they keep following them. And we have to shoo him off."
"Well, see, it's not like that–"
The other senior looks bored. "Well, do you have proof?"
Tine brightens up. "Yes!" he exclaims, taking his phone out. His phone doesn't switch on. "Fuck," he exclaims. "Do you have a charger?"
The men share a look and shake their heads. "Wait," Tine says. "Go on his Instagram. He's uploaded a picture of us!"
One of the seniors raises his eyebrows.
"Where?" he asks, a minute after scrolling through his Instagram.
"It's the latest one!" Tine says, exasperated at how this is going. Why can't Sarawat just be here after promising to be here?
"There is no latest picture," he says. "It's just a 15-second preview to his song that he uploaded a while back."
Tine's veins fill with ice. Did he delete it?
"What?" Tine whispers, snatching his phone away from him. Sure enough, the picture that Sarawat had uploaded is gone, as if it never existed. Tine feels his mouth instantly dry up. Oh god he actually deleted it. Am I so embarrassing to be with? He quickly shuts that thought out. Surely there must be a reason for this.
"But- but we have pictures together– I can assure you that."
The seniors look at him with pity. "Pictures that you took with him without his permission, I am assuming? I'm sorry but we just can't let you in. You must understand our situation."
The clawing feeling in his stomach comes back with a force.
"But, you see," Tine says. "I even–"
"Please leave," they say. "We'd be forced to call the security."
Tine heavy heart feels like someone put a boulder on it. He feels embarrassed. "Sorry," he says.
A commotion follows a short distance from them. He spots Sarawat right in the middle of the commotion and he raises his hand. Of course he's here, he thinks to himself. He is here to meet me.
Instead, Sarawat barely glances at him, nodding in his direction before following the commotion. The pit in his stomach deepens. There must be a valid reason behind this, he reasons. He doesn't look at the seniors and walks away.
"If you're looking for a sign," he hears one of them say, "think of this as your sign. Stop bothering him. He doesn’t need you."
Tine breathing gets shallow as he walks away.
He spots Fong in the crowd, in a deep conversation with Man and Boss. He slowly approaches them. Fong looks at him once to know if something's wrong. How could he possibly put into words what he's feeling? His world feels like its shaking. He knows that technically those words are just words. They're not true. He has Sarawat's words and actions to prove that. He knows that Sarawat isn't his friend out of pity. Can you be sure, though? His mind asks. You helped him and maybe he felt obligated to–
No. He couldn't think like this. He takes a deep breath, steadying himself. He feels eyes on him and he turns towards Fong.
"How did it go?" he asks.
Tine sighs, his mind whirling with what transpired in the last ten minutes. "It didn't. He wasn't there and some seniors accused me of stalking him," he weakly chuckles.
Just as Fong is about to reply, the host comes on stage. In a matter of five minutes, CTRL+S is on the stage and the crowd's screams pierce through his ears.
He spots Sarawat from where he is standing. They are fairly far from the stage, a fence separating the crowd that they're in from the VIP crowd. Sarawat's eyes seem to roam around the crowd, as though he is looking for someone. His eyes find Tine's eyes and he smiles. Tine breathes a sigh of relief, his anxiety dissipating into something warmer. How can he even see him amidst the crowd?
CTRL+S start with their performance and Tine finds himself swaying to the songs. No matter how confusing his situation with Sarawat gets, he cannot deny his mesmerising beauty as he plays the guitar. He is allowed to look at him like that. He is moving with the rhythm and Tine is moving with him. Sarawat is no longer looking at Tine, his gaze focused on his guitar and his band members. However, as Tine keeps looking at him, the noise around him seems to die down and the only sound that remains is the song. Sarawat suddenly looks up in his general direction and smiles. Tine could spend forever looking at him and it still wouldn’t be enough.
It seems as though their performance ends in only a few seconds when in reality, they'd performed three songs. The crowd erupts in cheers. P'Dim's band is next. He is swaying along to the songs that they're performing, when a hand grabs his.
"Wat!" he exclaims. Sarawat nods at him and pulls him away from his friends. His eyes meet Fong's panicked eyes as he is being pulled away. Sarawat approaches the people guarding the fence between the VIP crowd and the normal crowd. They easily let them in, without even asking for the VIP ticket.
"Scrubb is performing after them," Sarawat says. "You need to have the best seats in the house," he says and then frowns. "Well, they're technically not seats, but the closer you are to them, the better."
Tine looks at him, surprised. "What?" Sarawat frowns again. "Are you surprised that you're here?"
"I'm surprised that you'd do this for me," Tine says.
Sarawat sighs. "Don't you already know that I'd do anything for you?"
Tine looks away, unable to handle Sarawat humouring him today, instead focusing on the band that is performing. He can see Sarawat shake his head from the corner of his eyes. Sarawat pulls him right in the middle of the crowd and then towards the fence. "We can lean against the fence here so we won't get tired," he says.
Tine touches Sarawat's cheek. He has so many questions he wants to ask. "You guys were really good," he says instead.
Sarawat's smile is radiant. "Yeah?"
Tine nods. "Yeah," he says.
He props himself on the fence. The fence wobbles a little, and he grabs onto Sarawat to steady himself. Sarawat holds his hand and puts his hand around Tine’s waist trying to secure his position. He removes Sarawat’s hand from his waist when he finally settles himself.
The crowd around them erupts again as the band finishes their performance. Tine claps until he feels Sarawat tapping his wrist twice with his finger. Tine turns towards him. Sarawat’s eyes are full of concern. Or is it pity? Tine closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He hesitantly nods once, turning his attention to the stage.
Sarawat holds Tine’s hand and puts it around his shoulders. “So you don’t fall,” he responds when he sees Tine look at him quizzically. Too late for that, isn’t it?
Tine looks away; instead he focuses his attention on the stage where the host is introducing Scrubb. Excitement surges through the entirety of Tine's being. The crowd around him screams as Scrubb comes on stage. Tine shouts along with them. The moment feels too surreal, as though he is dreaming it. In that moment, Tine forgets everything. The entire crowd seems to have a collective emotion, full of exhilaration and excitement. He looks over at Sarawat and Saarwat is looking at him, a small smile on his face. When Tine catches him looking, he looks away immediately.
Tine has almost memorised their setlist. He knows the order of the songs that they're going to sing.
"Click," he says and they start playing Click. He looks at Sarawat and smirks at his astonished look. The energy of the entire crowd is contagious. Tine feels a burst of enthusiasm wave through him. He starts waving his hands along, just like everyone else in the crowd. Everyone except–
"Why aren't you waving, come on!" he says, pulling Sarawat's hand. Sarawat looks unamused and lets his hand be pulled up. He makes no effort to actually do the waving.
"Fine then," Tine says, dropping his hand. "Be stubborn."
He doesn't let that tamper his excitement and he shouts along with the lyrics with double the excitement than before.
"This person," Tine says and then smirks as soon as everything starts playing. Sarawat still looks surprised.
"You'd underestimated the love I have for Scrubb," he shouts over the music.
"Clearly," Sarawat shouts back.
Tine again tries pulling Sarawat's hand up and this time, he resists. Tine rolls his eyes "Be like that." Throughout the concert, Tine does not feel the tiredness creep through him. He feels emotional, in a way, but he doesn’t remember feeling this content, ever. He can feel his cheeks hurt with how much he's smiling. This is his favourite artist, performing his favourite songs, right in front of him. How could he feel anything but happy?
At one point, Tine climbs down, slightly bumping on Sarawat. Sarawat holds him but Tine peels himself away from him. He can't bear to be near him without feeling what he usually does, heightened at dangerous levels. When Together starts playing, Tine is jumping along with the crowd, a few steps away from where Sarawat stood. This might be one of his all-time favourite songs, he thinks for the fifth time that day. He feels the energy of the entire crowd flood through him. He jumps and dances and at one point, he's been jumping so much that he stumbles into Sarawat, who holds him instinctively.
"Sorry," he mutters, not meeting his eyes and looks forward again.
The process of Tine guessing the song before it plays and then unsuccessfully trying to make Sarawat away along to the songs continues on till the very end of the concert. He's back on the fence with Sarawat's help. Whenever Tine looks at him, he finds that Sarawat is always looking back at him. There's a perpetual smile on his face as he looks at Tine. He can't bear to look at it. So he always looks away.
"Deep," Tine shouts and Sarawat just looks tired of Tine being proven right.
"Ah-hah!" Tine shouts in delight as it starts playing.
"Why are you smug? We've already established that you're the biggest fan to ever exist."
The smile doesn't drop off of his face, as he pulls Sarawat closer. Despite all the conflicting feelings the day has produced in him, he wants to experience this with Sarawat. He looks at him only to find him looking back at him. This time, Sarawta holds his gaze.
He takes Sarawat's hand in his and begins waving it, knowing that it's offbeat. It doesn't seem to matter. Sarawat holds his hand on one side for a beat and then moves it again, so it's right on the beat. Tine shakes his head, smiling.
He mouths along the words of the song and finds Sarawat singing along too. Sarawat seems to be waving on his own, so he is about to leave his hand when he realises that he doesn’t want to. Sarawat settles himself between his thighs, so it's more comfortable for Tine to be waving their hands together. This feels far easier than it has, he thinks. Nothing with Sarawat had felt anything but complicated but this just feels too simple.
***
"They're so good to their fans," Tine exclaims to Fong as they leave with what has become a yearly ritual of Tine clicking a picture with Scrubb's poster.
"Well, obviously," Ohm says. "No-one can afford to be rude to the people who support them, even if they are a little wild at times." Ohm flicks his finger to Tine's forehead and skips ahead.
"Or they just pity them," Phuak snickers. "I mean look at our state, anyone would pity us. We were standing in the sun for so long just to see them. I think I have a headache."
Pity. Pity. Pity. The word echoes in his mind. The high from the concert has officially worn off as he feels the dread crawling in his stomach again. They spot Sarawat, Man, and Boss by Man's car on their way out. Sarawat smiles at him and Tine hesitantly smiles back.
"Come here," Sarawat says, pulling Tine away from everyone.
"You came to meet me today."
"I did," Tine confirms.
"I could not meet you properly," Sarawat says, holding his wrist.
Tine shakes his head. "You couldn't."
Sarawat sighs, his head hanging low. He takes his hand off of Tine's wrist and unzips his guitar case. He takes out a piece of paper and hands it to Tine.
"I do regret not meeting you. However," he says gesturing Tine to open the paper.
Tine opens the piece of paper and his heart stops beating for a moment. "Shit!" he exclaims. "You actually got their autograph?"
Sarawat nods, a smile creeping on his face. "Of course," he says.
"Oh my god, I can't believe this. You really got this for me," he mutters in disbelief. He feels like he could cry.
"I promised to get it, Tine. I wouldn't have missed it for the world."
Tine smiles, suddenly wanting to hug him. "Thank you," he says instead, hoping it conveys what he feels.
Sarawat smiles, his eyes crinkling. He steps forward. "I had something to tell–"
"Let's go, let's go, let's go!" A voice interrupts whatever Sarawat was about to say.
Tine looks over and sees that it's P'Dim and Green. Green gives him a small wave and Tine returns it. Fong comes from behind Tine and slaps him on the back. "Let's go," he says.
***
There are a lot of people with them at dinner. Tine had hoped that it would just be their group but alas, he thinks, looking around, to be friends with someone popular does in fact include fancy dinners with a lot of people. Sarawat sits right across him and on his side there's his brother, Phukong beside whom there's people he doesn't remember the name of. CTRL+S and P'Dim's band is also present. Coincidentally, Pear is there too, sitting on Tine's right. Everyone has someone to talk to, it seems. Even Fong, who usually restrains from talking to anyone, is animatedly chatting with Phukong.
Tine just desperately wants to go home. He can’t stop replaying the day in his head. As thrilling as the concert was, he just can’t stop his mind thinking about him.
His eyes find Sarawat who is looking at him with mild concern. He is about to say something when P'Dim starts talking to him again. Maybe this is all out of pity, his traitorous mind says. Maybe this is his way of saying how you don't fit in with his world.
Tine just desperately wishes he could shut his mind.
He is about to get up when P'Dim calls him.
"Yeah?" Tine asks, sitting back down.
"So, Sarawat had something to tell you," he says.
"Yeah?" he turns to Sarawat.
Sarawat looks reluctant. "So we have to shoot a music video for the music club," he starts and then sighs, drinking some water.
"I was wondering, if you'd like to play the role of the lead person, opposite me. Basically–" a pause, "–you'd be my love interest in the video." Sarawat says. The entire table pauses their conversation until Boss mutters a loud, "fuck!"
"Me?" Tine asks, pointing towards him.
Sarawat nods. The person sitting beside P'Dim interrupts. "We've seen you with Sarawat. Everyone who watches Sarawat's content continuously comments about both of you being together. I mean, his views have boosted every time you're even the slightest bit in the covers that he posts."
"Huh?"
That person eagerly nods. "They ship you and you being the star of the music video would boost the views thus leading CTRL+S to have an edge over the other bands."
"Oh," Tine says. "Uh, I don't know."
"Think about it. You're very popular in most of Sarawat's fan clubs. They would adore you. Do this for Sarawat, at least," the man pleads and then nudges P'Dim. "Sarawat actually wanted to ask you since weeks but he never did. I'm afraid that this can't be postponed any further."
He turns to Sarawat. "You want me to be in the music video with you because of this?" he asks. Not because you want me to but because I would be good for you? Remains unsaid.
A stone falls on Tine's chest when Sarawat hesitates. Suddenly he feels as though all his fears are confirmed. Tine feels his chest is constricting. So all of that sweet-talk was because of this?
He abruptly stands up. "You have to excuse me. I need to go." He walks away without sparing them a glance. His world feels like it's crashing down. Sarawat kept him around because it was good for his image. It all makes sense now. The more he repeats that thought in his head, the more he believes it. A huge part of him knows that it is completely irrational to come to this conclusion. Sarawat has never indicated having mal intentions. He could not have done it. But the small part of him, the part that is winning, is rationalising all of Sarawat's words and actions of affection as something tainted with an ulterior motive. He must've pitied him and then kept him around because it was good for him.
A hand grabs his wrist and he turns around to see Sarawat's apologetic face.
"Tine, this is not how it sounded," he says.
Tine scoffs. He just wants to go home.
He snatches his hand away from Sarawat's. The campus is five minutes from the restaurant. He can walk over easily.
"Let me walk you home," he says. Tine shrugs.
"Let me explain what happened," Sarawat says after a while. "I do want you to shoot the music video with me. But not because of whatever P'Knock said. I want you to be in the music video because you've been with me, throughout."
Sarawat's hesitant face flashes when he closes his eyes.
"If you're looking for a sign," he remembers the senior saying, "think of this as your sign. Stop bothering him. He doesn’t need you."
He remembers several comments on the now-deleted picture, reminding him of how absolutely ordinary he is, compared to Sarawat. He thinks about how he's been burnt in the past, how it's taken months for him to recover from the damage caused by his former partners. He needs to stop himself before it's too late.
"Look," Sarawat says when Tine doesn't respond. "You've supported me throughout these past few months. This is just a way of saying thanks to you. It's not because of those stupid reasons that he was saying. It's because it is you."
He looks at Sarawat. Sarawat, who thinks he owes him. Sarawat, who still probably sees him as a fan. Sarawat, who most probably does pity him.
Tine remains silent even as they reach the campus. He thinks about the deleted picture and listens to the very valid arguments his head is making. Someone like Sarawat who can willingly hang out with anyone he wishes to wouldn't willingly choose to hang out with him. Maybe he felt bad for him after Tine took care of him and then he was forced to hang out with him because P'whatever-his-name-was saw how many views the cover has. It makes sense in his head, even if he doesn't want it to. Suddenly, this is all he can think about.
He feels like someone's taken his heart and has repeatedly stomped on it all the while squeezing his lungs. He feels like he's about to cry, his world crashing around him. He feels a bit dizzy, with all the short breaths that he is taking. It was all a joke, wasn't it? He is a fool. He got played over and over again and yet he didn't learn. He cannot allow himself to be hurt like this again. He feels Sarawat grab his wrist again.
"Tine–"
"Just stop, Wat. Just fucking stop."
He can't look at Sarawat's face. "We can stop hanging out. You can stop forcing yourself to hang out with me anymore."
"What?"
The crack in Sarawat's voice makes him turn to look at him. Sarawat looks shocked.
"No matter what you say or do, I am not starring with you in the music video. You don't have to pretend to like me, or even hang out with me."
"What are you saying?"
"It's blatantly clear that you never wanted to in the first place. I mean I should've known that someone like you would never want to talk to someone like me. You don't have to pretend to like me anymore."
"Tine," he says, his voice almost pleading. He looks panic-stricken. "Tine, you don't have to star in that music video, okay? Please I–" a pause. "– I am sorry. Don't worry about it. But don't ever say that anymore."
Tine feels his blood boiling. "Don't say that anymore? You clearly don't want to hang out with me. So don't. You're free now. You say that it is okay for me to not star in the music video right now, but what happens then? What happens when you realise that the music video was the only reason you actually hung out with me? What happens then, Wat?" he asks, shaking his shoulders. Sarawat looks rattled. Tine sounds a bit hysterical to himself. He lets go of his shoulders.
"You leave. That is what happens. You leave and I'm left alone to pick up my pieces. So we can stop hanging out. You don't owe me anything. You can stop pretending that you like me or whatever," he says, on the verge of tears.
"What the fuck are you saying? Pretending to like you? I am not going to fucking leave you, Tine. What are you on about?" Sarawat asks, running his fingers through his already distressed hair.
"All that fake flirting? That was for this, wasn't it? How long have you known about the video? How long were you planning on asking me about it?" Tine asks.
He is met with silence. "Just– just go. Please."
Sarawat looks distraught. Tine looks away. His heart is still dangerously racing inside his chest.
"You're asking me to leave?" Sarawat whispers.
"You don't have to hang out with me anymore. We can stop whatever this is here."
Sarawat runs his fingers through his hair. "Where is this coming from, Tine? What is happening? I can back off if it makes you uncomfortable but please don't ask me to stop hanging out with you anymore. I don't think I can do that."
Tine feels tears well up, but he blinks them away. "I'm telling you that you don't have to hang out with me anymore. We can go back to being strangers who never cared about each other."
"Do you want me to stop hanging out with you?" Sarawat asks in a small whisper. Tine hesitates. He could never want that. But he needs to do what he is doing for the sake of protecting his future self.
Sarawat takes his hesitation as a yes and nods slowly. He looks at Tine, his eyes pleading, and walks away. It only takes walking one step for Tine to break down.
***
On the first day that they’re apart, Tine breaks down while having breakfast. He is reminded of all the times he had breakfast with him. On the second day that they’re apart, Tine’s brother catches him staring blankly at his assignment. He rubs his hand on Tine’s back. Tine just wants to talk to him. Suddenly, the reason behind him not talking to him seems incredibly insignificant. He is allowed to be selfish, isn’t he? He had said so himself. He wants to be selfish and talk to him. But he doesn’t.
On the third day that they’re apart, he finds the Scrubb autographs that he had gotten for him. Maybe telling him off was a huge, irrational mistake. He finds his brother in the study and sits beside him as he does his work. “Do you think that I could be irrational?” he asks him. Type regards him with unabashed curiosity. “What happened?” he asks. Tine sighs. “I think I made a huge mistake and overreacted and broke off a friendship that meant a lot.”
Type sighs, closing his book. “I think that everyone feels like they overreacted in retrospect. But that retrospection does not erase the validity of what you felt then.”
“But what if my feelings actually destroyed a really good thing?”
“Tine, nothing is unfixable. You did what you thought was right, I am assuming. Now, do what you think is right again. No one really knows what decision is bound to give them happiness. It is a leap of faith.”
On the fourth night that they’re apart when Tine wakes up amidst the nightmares, he realizes with blatant certainty that he is in love with him. Somehow, somewhere the feelings that he’d buried underground had taken root, allowing them to blossom even more than he’d imagined. He clutches his chest, this thought filling him up with more dread.
It's been five days since he last heard from him. Five days since everything transpired. Five days since he knew some semblance of peace. Five days since he knocked on his brother's door, crying as the world had shattered. These five days, he's ignored all of his friends' concerned messages, asking his brother to talk to them when they called. It feels like a lifetime. Tine feels like something inside him had shattered, making him completely numb to everyone around him. His nightmares have worsened, making it harder for him to sleep. These nightmares now consist of him. He thinks about him even when he's awake, a part of him (a huge part), regretting everything that happened. He was too harsh, he thinks. He acted irrationally. But then he remembers the resistance of his face and those comments on the deleted picture and he thinks that this is was a good decision for future Tine. He can get over him and go back to how things were before him.
"Are you going to attend your classes today?" Type asks.
Tine hesitantly nods his head. He doesn't want to, but he knows that he has to. Today is relatively better, he thinks. He can't hide out in his brother's house forever. He can't avoid all responsibilities because of one stupid boy. The stone set on his heart feels a bit lighter today. One day, he will wake up without the weight of it on his chest. One day.
"Are you going to work as well?" he asks.
Tine nods his head again, trying to swallow the breakfast that he prepared.
Type puts his hand on Tine's cheek. "I don't know who did this to you, but I am ready to beat them up," he whispers.
Tine smiles at him. "Thank you," he says.
***
He can barely pay attention to his classes, his mind thinking about him. His mind has known no-one else but him. Fong sits beside him, throwing concerned glances.
When their classes end for the day, his friends pull him to the corner of the corridor. He knows that they have questions that he will have to answer.
"Where the fuck were you?" Fong hisses. "Do you know that we've been worried sick?"
Tine breaks eye contact, looking away from Fong when he spots him.
No, no, no, it can't be, he thinks. He'd recognise that brown jacket anywhere. His breath hitches as that person turns around. Oh, it isn't him. He should feel relieved, but instead, he's disappointed.
"Who are you looking at?" Ohm questions, looking behind.
Tine shakes his head. "No one."
"What exactly happened?" Phuak asks.
Tine sighs. He'd rather not be reminded of this, at all. "We had a fight. We're not friends anymore." He hates how his voice cracks at the end of the sentence.
"What?" they all exclaim at once.
"Why are you guys not talking? Did he say something?" Ohm asks. "I can literally hack into his Instagram account and ruin his life."
"Okay, calm down, future lawyer. Let Tine talk," Fong rolls his eyes. Tine shakes his head and walks towards the canteen.
They order their food and sit down at the only empty table in the canteen. His friends are still looking at him as though they want him to speak. Tine sighs. "Basically, I realised that he was hanging out with me only because he pitied me at first and then realised that I was good for his views. So I kinda told him off."
Tine's friends exchange looks.
"That," Fong says, "is the stupidest shit I've heard today."
"You think he did it out of pity?" Ohm asks.
Tine nods, taking a sip out of his Blue Hawaii. "Why else would he hang out with me? I saved him once, remember? Then he saw those numbers on his channel climb up and suddenly he was so interested in me. Even if he didn't consciously realise it." Those words seem wrong to his ears. The more he says it, the more foolish he sounds. Did he actually let himself believe it?
Fong blinks at him. "You've completely distorted your interactions to fit this explanation, huh?"
"Distorted my interactions? What are you talking about?"
"He came to you and told you his name. He wanted to hang out with you after that football match. He sat with you on the balcony and talked to you and said that you were friends – way before you saved him. How can you explain that?"
"He pitied me. He saw that I was a fan and so –"
"No offence, Tine, but you aren't that special of a fan," Phuak says. "He has so many fans, all across the campus. Yet, he chose to hang out with you."
Tine shakes his head. They're right, his head provides. They're absolutely right.
"The way you're describing Sarawat doesn't even sound like him," Fong says, taking his phone out. "Every day for the past five days, he's been texting me to know if you've eaten," he says, showing him the chat.
Tine takes the phone with shaking hands. Sure enough, there's Sarawat's texts, all riddled with typos asking if he's eaten. "This is the Sarawat we know," he says. "Someone who has always made it blatantly clear that he cares. You're making him sound like a villain who has used you."
"He is not a villain," Tine says. "But I literally can't stop feeling that way. I don't want to be in pain!" Tine screams. A few heads turn their way. "But I feel horrid. I feel like he never really cared; like he only was in it because of what it brought to him. I mean I don’t blame him. If I was Sara-fucking-wat and someone as mediocre as I started talking to me, I would too make the best of the situation. His hesitance that day though confirmed the deepest fears I had about him. If not for this, then why else would he talk to me? Why else would he delete the picture?"
"The picture was deleted because a lot of his fans reported it," Phuak says. "Um, Boss showed me the reported post thing when you left the restaurant."
Oh.
"You can't believe the simple, blatant fact that he talked to you because he actually wanted to, huh?" Fong asks. "You are not Sara-fucking-wat. Let him make his own decision for fuck’s sake. If this fight was really about the reason why he started talking to you, we would've had this conversation months ago when he had actually started talking to you."
Tine sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"But something happened that made you feel like you don't deserve him and so you went ahead and asked him to fuck off," Phuak adds.
Tine sighs again. "Are you saying that I fucked up?" Ohm and Phuak nod as Fong shakes his head.
"See?" he asks, pointing to him. "Fong doesn't think that I fucked up."
Fong shakes his head again. "You didn't fuck up, but you did let your insecurities get the best of you. You have so much evidence against what your head lets you believe. Think about it, Tine. Has he ever done something that makes you feel anything but cared for?"
Tine sighs. His head says, no. No, he hasn’t. "I just don't want to get hurt again," Tine says his voice small. "What happens when he wakes up in a few weeks and realises that that is only why he talked to me? I had to get out before it got too deep." He picks his Blue Hawaii and looks away from his friends' piercing stares. His eyes land on a guitar case, a few tables away. He gasps in shock. No. It can't be. He hastily stands up, trying to have a better look at the person. He trips on his own feet, causing him to spill his entire drink.
"Oh no!" he cries in disbelief. He picks up the plastic cup and looks up at the person with the guitar case again. It isn't him.
"Why did you let go of it if you liked it so much?" Fong asks, gesturing to the spilt Blue Hawaii.
"Huh? It was an accident."
"No," Fong says, a bit more seriously. “Why did you let go of it if you liked it so much? You should've held on tighter and trusted it to not let go of you."
***
"So," Green starts, shaking Tine out of his careful analysis of the wall that he had been blankly staring at.
"So?"
"So," he hears Pear say with a sigh.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Green asks.
"About the fact that I spilt two frappés because I thought he had walked in?"
He hears Green take a deep breath, as his hand rests on Tine's shoulder.
"Or about the fact that I burnt a batch of cookies because I thought I heard his voice?"
Pear rests her hand on Tine's other shoulder. Tine feels absolutely miserable, with Fong's voice ringing in his ears.
"You miss him," Pear says. Tine nods.
"He misses you too," Green says.
He turns towards them. "I'll be fine, guys. Like the manager said, I'll go to my dorm and rest. Tomorrow will be better."
***
The next day, Tine is looking for some books in the common library for his assignment, when he hears a very familiar voice. Tine's heart drops in his stomach.
He peaks around, only for his eyes to land on him. Tine's heart beats uncomfortably faster. He sees him with his friends, with absolutely no expression on his face, as Man and Boss talk about something else. He can't stop looking.
As he looks at him, he is reminded of all the memories with him. He is reminded of Sarawat, always looking at Tine with unabashed warmth. He is reminded of Sarawat, who has never passed on the opportunity to support Tine. He remembers feeling completely understood. He remembers feeling happy with him. All his feelings come rushing back at him in an instant.
Fuck, Tine thinks. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He might have made a huge mistake.
That's when Sarawat looks up and Tine's breath hitches in his throat. Everything seizes to exist in that moment. It's just Sarawat and him. A stark realization dawns upon Tine. He remembers seeing Sarawat for the first time. He looks away from Sarawat’s piercing eyes and runs out of the library without a second glance.
***
His knocks sound frantic to his own ears. That doesn't stop him from knocking faster.
When Fong opens up, there's a mild surprise on his face. "Tine," he says. "Uh, wait a minute," he says and closes the door to his face.
He opens it after a minute, only to push someone out. He remembers seeing that person somewhere.
"Uh?" he asks, a little shocked. The person does a one-finger salute. "Tine, right?" he asks.
Fong tsks on the side and pulls Tine inside. "See you later!" Fong says and shuts the door with a bang, pulling Tine further inside.
"Do I want to know?" Tine asks.
Fong shakes his head. "There's nothing to know about," he says.
"Mhm," he says. "I choose to believe you."
"Have a seat," Fong says and looks closely at Tine. "You look better today. Did you finally sleep well?"
Tine nods. "I–uh. I saw him."
Fong widens his eyes. "Oh. Oh wow. How are you feeling?"
Tine takes a deep breath. "I think I made a huge mistake."
Fong nods his head, waiting for him to continue. Tine narrates the entire story of what had actually transpired that day, seeing Milk with that man, realizing the depth of his feelings, the whole backstage fiasco, and the final nail in the coffin with a trembling heart. "I feel awful."
Fong holds Tine's hand. "Tine. You've been burnt before– a lot of times. You don't trust that Sarawat could possibly want to talk to you just because he wants to. That fear is valid. You were faced with someone from your past that only aggravated it. I can’t imagine how horrible that must’ve been."
"Mhm."
"You like Sarawat– a lot. An anxiety-inducing day made you sabotage something good. And you're right, there's no guarantee that he's always going to be in your life." Tine nods. "It's terrifying."
"But at one point you have to look at the bigger picture. You can't keep breaking things off with people you care about out of the fear that they'll do it first," Fong sighs.
"What if he realises that I'm not enough?" Tine asks in a small voice.
"Then he's not the one. Or one of the ones. People thinking that you're not enough don’t make it true," Fong shrugs. "But I've seen the way he looks at you, Tine. I have seen him around you and you around him. There's no way he'll ever think you're not enough. Let me ask you this though, do you think he's worth it?"
Tine nods without hesitation.
"That's all you need to know. It's all a leap of faith after this."
Tine's chest feels a little lighter until his mind is flooded with the memories of that night.
"I fucked up," he groans. "I ruined everything. There's no way this can ever go back the way it was." He puts his head in his hands. "I hurt him. I hurt him immeasurably."
Fong rubs his shoulders. "You did. But the ball is in your court, Tine. You broke that bond. It's your job to bind it back together– if you want to."
Tine feels like he's on the verge of tears.
"Did you see the picture he uploaded on his Instagram?" Fong asks, immediately going on his Instagram as if he knew that he hadn't.
It's a picture of Sarawat in his high school uniform, looking at the camera with a small smile. Behind him, however, he spots himself, clicking a picture with the Scrubb poster from last year's Scrubb concert. The caption is, 'never a stranger'.
***
He knows he's frenzied. He knows that consulting Ohm to check TeamSarawat'sWives to know about the whereabouts of Sarawat's location was borderline creepy. But he'd texted him thrice and he'd not replied. So here he was, in the place he was last spotted, in the football locker room to look for him.
He doesn't see anyone there, except for the janitor and almost gives up hope when he spots Boss. Hope blossoms in his heart, but he hesitates as nerves take over him.
Boss spots him, looks astonished, and immediately turns around, towards the lockers.
"Boss!" he calls. He pretends not to hear him. Well, Tine thinks, he's already lost his dignity.
"Boss!" he taps on his shoulder.
Boss turns around. "Oh Tine!" he exclaims. "Didn't see you there."
Tine nods, still looking around. "Do you know where Sarawat is?"
"Wat?" Boss asks, making an exaggerated thinking expression. "Nope."
"Really?" Tine asks. Boss looks around. "Where is he when you need him?" he mumbles under his breath.
"I need to find him. I need to–"
"–hurt him more?" Man says from behind Tine.
Man comes ahead and puts his hand on Boss' shoulder. "Thank fuck you're here," Boss says, holding Man by his waist.
Tine shakes his head. "Uh– I just really need to talk to him."
"Mhm."
"Please. I'll do anything to talk to him again. He's not replied to my messages and I just need to talk to him."
Man and Boss exchange a look, silently communicating. Boss sighs. "Last I know he went to the washroom here. You can look there."
Tine sighs in relief. "I owe you guys!"
***
Tine wanders the long, dark hallway that leads him to the washroom. It is barely six and yet the hallway seems eerie. He spots a silhouetted figure against the glaring lights of the washroom, crouched near the door. Tine’s heart thunders in his chest. He could recognize him anywhere.
“Wat?” he calls out. Sarawat barely looks up. Tine rushes over, kneeling beside him. He pushes Sarawat’s hair out of his face. A glance at his face and Sarawat seems to freeze all over. He is clutching his stomach and Tine holds his wrist. Sarawat snatches his hand away and Tine sighs.
“Let me help you,” Tine says, propping Sarawat’s hand against his shoulder. He feels Sarawat shake his head. “Wat, please,” he can hear his voice crack. “Let me help you.”
Sarawat looks at his face and he must see something there for his apprehensive glare turns resigned. He nods and Tine helps him up.
“I am taking you to my room, okay?”
Sarawat shakes his head again. “Don’t want to bother you.”
Tine’s lips quiver. He really fucked it up, huh? “What happened to you?” he asks instead.
Sarawat sighs. “There was just one guy this time. But he was too strong,” he whispers.
They reach Tine’s room with a lot of difficulties. In the bright light, he can see the vile, red bruises on his face. Tine hovers his hand over his wounded hands. He meets Sarawat’s eyes. “Let me call Man and Boss,” Sarawat says. “Give me your phone because they broke mine.” Tine shakes his head.
Tine unlocks his door and gently ushers Sarawat inside. “Sit down,” he says, gently setting him down on his bed. Sarawat is still looking at him the way he did that day. Tine gets his mini first aid kit, shaking the disinfectant and putting some on the cotton swabs.
“You don’t have to do this,” Sarawat says, pushing Tine’s hand away from his face. “Just let me contact them, I will be out of your hair.”
Tine holds Sarawat’s hand, his other hand hovering over the cut that has formed on his cheek. “This is going to hurt,” he says. He gingerly places the cotton swab on the cut and Sarawat hisses in pain.
“Sorry,” he says. He cleans the wound and walks towards his mini-freezer. He wraps ice cubes in whatever cloth he finds and gets an ice-pack, handing them to Sarawat. “Hold them to your bruises,” Tine says. Sarawat stops holding his stomach and does what Tine asks him to.
Tine kneels down in front of him. “I am going to unbutton your shirt to check the wound, okay?”
Sarawat reluctantly nods and Tine begins to unbutton his shirt from the last button. Sarawat sits up straight as Tine examines the wound. A huge, red bruise contrasts against his skin. Tine’s heart hurts even more. He holds the icepack to his bruise and Sarawat’s breath hitches.
“I wish I could feel your pain for you,” Tine mutters softly, looking up at Sarawat. Sarawat looks away, trying to take a deep breath.
“Don’t say that,” Sarawat says in a whisper. “It really is torture, hearing those words come out of your mouth.”
Tine doesn’t say anything, his own heart thundering in his chest.
“Why are you doing this?” Sarawat asks his voice full of sorrow.
Tine shuffles. “What do you mean why?”
Sarawat looks at him again, his eyes red, as if he is about to cry.
“Why are you doing this?” he repeats.
Tine takes a few shallow breaths. “Because I care about you,” he says.
“Bullshit,” Sarawat says, first softly and then, “Bullshit!” he shouts.
“I do. Nothing can change that,” Tine firmly says.
Sarawat looks at him, distraught. “Stop that. Stop saying that when you don’t mean it. Stop taking care of me right now, as if you didn’t just ask me to fuck off last week. Stop this.”
“But I do!” Tine exclaims, standing up, all his repressed emotions spouting in the air. “I do care about you. More than I’d like to admit. That is why I was looking for you- to say that I am sorry. To say that last week’s Tine was a self-sabotaging mess who said things he didn’t mean; who hurt you so much because he thought that you’d hurt him first. I came to ask for your apology,” he yells. He sinks to his knees again. He cannot physically bear to look at Sarawat. “I am sorry that I said those things to you,” he says, wanting to say a million other things. I love you. I miss you. Have you been well? I am sorry. I am so, so, so sorry.
Sarawat shakes his head. “Don’t do this to me, Tine,” his voice breaks. He places his hands on Tine’s shoulders. “You asked me for the impossible. You asked me to go back to being strangers. We could never be strangers, Tine,” he says, his voice frail.
Tine looks up, him being on the verge of tears. “I don’t want to be strangers,” he says, shaking his head. “I never wanted to be strangers.” The worst had already happened. He has absolutely nothing to lose anymore. He can say ‘I love you’ without the word ending.
“I never want to be strangers with you, Wat. I was just petrified that you’d one day wake up and realise that I am not worth it so I-“
“-you decided to end it first?” Sarawat completes. He sighs and rubs his eyes. He looks more defenceless now than he did. His shoulders slump forward. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?” he asks. “Tine, I would’ve done anything to prove to you that you are more than enough. Why did you ask me to fuck off without listening to me?”
“I asked you to fuck off because you hesitated!” Tine yells, standing up. “You hesitated when I asked you about the reason you wanted me to star in that music video. You hesitated and my whole world crumbled.”
“I hesitated because the reason I wanted you to star in it is because I’ve written that song for you!” Sarawat exclaims, standing up and holding Tine’s shoulders. “That’s the same song I sang for you at the park. I wrote that song because I am in love with you. What part of that do you not get?”
His hands drop in resignation as he sits back down. He drops his shoulders with a loud exhale and looks up at Tine. Tine is frozen on spot. He can’t wrap his head around this.
“I fell in love with you the first time I saw you, Tine.” Tine’s entire world stops moving. The only thing remains is the sound of his heartbeat. “Fell in love with me?” he whispers.
“It was the Scrubb concert, last year,” Sarawat continues. “You were dancing and you stomped on my foot. I didn’t care about that, at all. But you, Tine,” he says, “God, you were smiling so wide at the music,” Sarawat says fondly, looking at the wall behind Tine. “You were smiling so much and I thought to myself, I want to make him smile till the day I die. I had never seen someone enjoy music the way you do. I wanted to ask you what your name was but I was too shy, so I didn’t,” he says with a sigh.
Tine’s entire world feels like it has shifted again. His mind knows only one rhythm, which is, Sarawat saying, ‘I fell in love with you the first time I saw you, Tine’.
He can’t do anything but stare. Sarawat continues. “The second time I saw you, you were at the record shop. You were listening to Scrubb again, with your eyes closed, resting against the orange beanbag. I wanted to go there and say hi but you looked so content that I didn’t want to disturb you. And then, I saw you at the coffee shop. I could not believe my eyes when I had finally found you.”
Tine sinks to the ground. Sarawat gives his shoulders a squeeze. “You are telling me that you’re not worth it? Tine, I have prayed for you. Prayed to see you again, prayed to always make you smile, and prayed to talk to you one last time.”
Tine looks up at him and sees that his eyes are full of tears. “I am so sorry that I ever made you believe that you are not worth it when you’re the only one that has mattered.”
Tine shakes his head in protest. “No. No, Wat, you didn’t. I did. I am sorry. I am sorry that I said those hurtful things to you.”
Sarawat shakes his head. “You could never be a stranger to me. These last few days have been unbearable. I don’t possibly know how I have survived them. It has been utter tortu-”
“Do you think that it has been easy for me?” Tine cuts him off, at last, standing up. Sarawat’s hand drops from his shoulders. “I see you everywhere I go. I see you in my dreams, I see you at the coffee shop. I see you everywhere.”
He runs his fingers through his hair. “You asked me to be selfish, remember? You said that I am allowed to be selfish about whatever makes me happy and whatever makes me feel less alone in the world. You make me happy and make me feel less alone,” he says, prodding his finger in Sarawat’s shoulder.
“But I can’t be selfish here, can I? Because I love you and I wouldn’t be able to bear the day you wake up and realise that I am not worth it.”
Sarawat stands up and walks right in front of Tine. “You love me?” he whispers.
Tine nods. “I do. I love you so much. I don’t think you realise the extent of my feelings. I don’t think I do either,” he says. Sarawat looks awe-struck.
“You love me?” he whispers again.
Tine nods, moving a step closer to Sarawat. He feels absolutely giddy at the way Sarawat is looking at him. He instantly recognizes that look. It’s the same way he’s always looked at him. Tine can now put a name to it.
Tine takes a shaky breath. He holds Sarawat’s face gently in his hands. “I love you too,” he whispers. “I am sorry that it took me so long to realise that you are worth every heartbreak.”
Sarawat blinks away his tears. He caresses his cheek, wiping away the tears that have started flowing from his eyes. “You love me,” Sarawat repeats, “you actually love me.”
“I do. I can’t believe that you love me too. I can’t believe that this is real. I can’t believe that you are real.”
Sarawat rests his forehead on Tine’s forehead. Tine closes his eyes. He moves his hand away from his face and rests it on his waist.
“Do you forgive me?” Tine asks, his eyes still closed.
“Do you promise to talk to me if at all I do something that makes you believe anything other than the fact that I like you?”
Tine opens his eyes to find Sarawat looking at him keenly. Tine nods.
“Do you forgive me?”
Tine sighs disbelievingly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just connected the wrong dots. I am so sorry that I hurt you.”
“I should’ve fought for you more,” Sarawat says, moving his forehead away from Tine’s forehead. Tine holds him closely. “I should’ve asked P’Knock to fuck off when he said all that. I could’ve done anything but what I did.”
“You did your best. I was the one who let my insecurities get the best of me. I am sorry. I will always talk to you about this. Always.”
Sarawat shakes his head. “No. I could’ve done—”
Tine presses his lips against Sarawat’s for just a second. He pulls away but he is so glad that he’s holding onto him. His knees feel frail. He meets Sarawat’s eyes again and Sarawat gently traces his thumb on Tine’s cheek. He meets his lips again. The kiss is chaste and small, but Tine’s entire body feels like it’s burning up, his blood buzzing through him.
“I love you,” he says when they break apart because saying anything but that feels like an understatement.
Sarawat gives him a wide smile. “I love you too, nuisance.”
***
“I can’t promise that I am never going to get insecure,” Tine says when they’re lying in bed together. Sarawat is playing with Tine’s hair, holding him close. Close enough to hear Sarawat’s heartbeat which is comforting and familiar. He holds him closer. They’ve talked about everything under the sun, about Tine’s nightmares — both figuratively and literally. Being vulnerable with Sarawat comes naturally to him and he couldn’t be happier.
He feels Sarawat shaking his head. “I am not asking you to change. Just tell me so we can talk it out. I don’t think I can survive a Tine-drought again.”
Tine nods, relaxing his shoulders a bit.
“So, can I take you out?” Sarawat asks after a while.
Tine sits up. “We have told each other that we’re in love with each other before our first date. Ai Wat, I think this goes unsaid.”
Sarawat holds his wrist. “I just mean, in case you need time to process before actually going on a date. I will spend all my time trying to convince you just how much you’re worth it.”
Unbearable fondness rises in Tine’s chest. Instead, he rolls his eyes, still smiling a bit. “Fine, I will go on a date with you.”
Tine only wishes he could capture the smile on Sarawat’s face after saying this.
“Really?” he asks, breathless.
“I am in love with you, after all,” Tine says.
“I still cannot believe it,” Sarawat sighs, looking at Tine with unabashed affection. How was Tine ever unaware of this?
“That makes the two of us. I can’t believe that you love me back.”
Sarawat pulls his wrist a bit more till he is closer than he was. “I will spend my entire life trying to make you believe that if you want.”
Tine can only weakly smile in response. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that you loved me?”
Sarawat widens his eyes. “I thought I was blatant about my feelings towards you until I realised that you thought I was teasing you. So, I had planned on telling you when we were at the park the other day because that felt like a date to me. And then at the Scrubb concert because that’s where I’d met you. But the timing didn’t feel right and we were interrupted and—” he sighs, putting his head in his hands. He looks at Tine and pats his head.
“—I never expected you to love me back. I just wanted you in my life. I was willing to accept you in whatever form I could get. But Man told me that you deserve to know what I am feeling for you and, yeah,” he shrugs his shoulders.
“I never expected you to love me back,” Tine says, wriggling closer to Sarawat to put his head on his shoulder.
Sarawat scoffs. “Have you met yourself? Anyone would fall in love with you.”
Tine drapes his hand around his waist. “Mhm. You say that now.”
Sarawat kisses the top of Tine’s head. “I will say that always.”
“You are too cheesy,” Tine says, trying to inch closer than he already is. Sarawat runs his hands through Tine’s hair. “And you’re too cute,” he says. “We make a perfect match.”