Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There they were.

Alone.

Barney looked over a Gordon- well, what was left of the Gordon he knew. This one was well, different and cold….not warm and familiar like he was 20 years ago. Amazing what a combine influence can do to a man, especially one like him. Barney knew his Gordon was in there somewhere, he just had to unlock the box. Or at least that’s what he had to accomplish in theory. Hesitantly, he took Gordon's hand and placed it on his knee.

"Darlin, do you remember the vents back at Black Mesa?"

Gordon looked down at the floor, puzzlingly sorting thoughts in his head. He shook his head. Barney tried to think up something else.

"How about that one office party? When you drove me home after I drank too much- and we watched the phantom menace till we passed out?" He chuckled nervously, rubbing the palm of Gordon's hand anxiously.

Once again, a puzzled look and a shake of the head.

"Damn, what do you remember?"

Gordon slowly freed his hand, Barney reluctantly letting go. He adjusted himself. [I remember Kleiner and Eli, the cascade, and you. I remember a lot about you.]

Barney scooted closer. "Like what?"

Gordon looked up, letting it all come back to him. [I don't know...but I know I love you. All my memories are like, locked. There's a lot.] He sighed, [I can't remember what happened, but I know what I felt.]

"Okay," Barney ran his hands through his hair, resisting the urge to anxiously twirl it. "So you remember the emotions? Just not exactly how or why."

Gordon nodded. [I felt really happy around you. I still do of course.]

Barney was caught off guard. "Thank you, I feel happy around you too, of course. Why else would I convince the elites to let me stay with you?" He looked over to his unfinished fancy rations, guilt filling his senses. He was eating better than everyone back at the resistance, but he couldn't get himself to eat what Gordon offered him. It felt wrong.

[I'm glad you did, it's been so long.] Gordon's expression turned into one of concern. [I missed you. I'm very glad we're both safe….together.] He signed together so firmly a lump formed in Barney's throat.

"Me too, it killed me...all those years thinking you were dead. I saw your body...and the blood….I couldn't sleep for weeks! I just- I don't want to have to go through that again."

Gordon fiddled with his fingers, once again looking down at the cold, dark concrete of his elite quarters. He suddenly shifted to face Barney, cupping his face in his gloved hands.

"What are ya-" before he could finish his eyes locked with Gordon's. Barney wanted to look away, his lover's once bright green eyes now shades paler...not to mention the dried blood and modification over his right eye. He looked like he was taken straight from Terminator- well he technically was the terminator. The terminator of what Barney's been fighting for the last 20 years and ongoing. The main difference was that Sarah Conner wasn't in love with the Terminator, then the movie would've probably bombed at the box office. This movie, what was happening now probably wasn’t going to end well.

Gordon let go of his face, immediately looking back down at the ground again. He signed something, but Barney couldn't make it out.

"Hey, c'mon that's rude, sign facing me."

Gordon rolled his eyes and repeated the sign directly and angrily into Barney's face. [We're both still alive.]

"Okay calm down, I'm sorry. Jesus. Yeah, I escaped death by the thin of my teeth back at black mesa...so did you of course. I guess you thought me dead too, huh?"

Gordon nodded his head. [I'm still not sure if I'm dreaming. I don't think I am. Your face is the same. Old now. You've got new scars. Makes me sad.] He frowned, his expression mellow.

Without thought, Barney threw himself into an embrace, Gordon's clunky and bloodied suit digging into him. He wanted so bad to explain everything, to just let it all go and give up. Join his side for good. Forget about the resistance and just be here with his lover, fighting by his side but he knew how well he couldn't ever betray the resistance. Betray Alyx, Kleiner, Eli...hell all of them and what they stood for. But Gordon was ALIVE, he's breathing and blinking and everything. He's just a little...incomplete...but he's still there.

Gordon wrapped his arms around him, hugging him so tight that barney could hear all his ribs creak with exhaustion. Barney tried not to sob, his eyes slowly watering. He tangled his hands through Gordon's short hair, feeling cold air from where he should've been feeling more hair- but those times were gone. Time passed slowly, yet it felt like hours. The two of them held on as if they were trying to make up for the 20 years they were apart. Suddenly, Gordon broke himself free from the hug.

[Suit, off please.]

Barney nodded. How long had it been since he's removed the suit? Obviously, 20 years but it felt like longer. He could remember trying to sleep back at black mesa during the incident, his hands going through the motions of removing the clunky suit as if he was reversing the cascade, taking Gordon's suit off so he'd never have to go in the chamber. It had become a nervous habit. He lightly grabbed Gordon's shoulders and turned him around.

"Hopefully your security measures are still the same….it's been a while."

Gordon anxiously nodded, clearly wanting Barney to get on with it. He undid one clasp, then another. He slowly made his way down and removed the breastplate. Then the arms, the torso, and the legs. As he slowly removed the armor below the knee he could feel his mind urging to shut down. Gordon had modifications and scars all over his legs. Barney recognized them as being from the combine's….project centers. That's what Gordon was to them, a project. A project that was made for Barney's very destruction. A project who was the reason for waking up in the morning. A project who laughed with him on the hard nights and always knew what he wanted. A project that Barney wanted to give all his years to. A project who deserved better. A project. Barney fell over, his soft cp uniform cushioning the fall. Gordon quickly stood up, leaning over Barney.

[can you see my hands?]

"y...yeah I can...I'm fine I'm just t-tired," He felt a sob forming in his throat. "Don't worr-" before he could finish, he realized the raggedy shirt Gordon was wearing. "You...you kept it."

Gordon looked down and stretched his shirt out to fully show it off. Barney's old X-Files shirt was still a little too big, the blood and sweat stains covering Mulder's face. Now Barney was crying a river as if he wasn't already.

"Y-you wore it? All t-this time? To the-the test?" He shakily ran his hands over the graphic, memories flashing back to him and weighing down.

Gordon nodded, his face melting into an expression of worry.

At this point, Barney would just shake it off as sentimentalism, but the added factor of Gordon’s newly added mods caused it all to crash down. It was almost as if the world wanted him to feel the worst he ever could. He felt guilty….disgusting even. Gordon still cared about him enough to let him back into his life but at what cost? Barney was lying to him. Lying through his teeth just so he can get some intel and affection. He hadn’t even begun to try and nudge the stuff the resistance needed to know out of him. His mission was failing, and he was a disgusting cheat. Cheating on his partner with a failing revolution, how pathetic. Oh lord….and what they’ve done to Gordon, Jesus Christ. The man wasn’t much of a man anymore..more like a cybernetic amalgamation. Barney could feel his breath turn heavy.

[Breathe, please]

Barney could barley even read Gordon’s simple signs as his head began to spin. The heavy breathing soon became rhythmic and nearly raspy, causing him to shake violently.

“F-fuckk!” Barney sobbed. “I-i’m sorry...I can’t fucking take this anymore….” He began to anxiously twirl his hair, sniffling.
[can I touch you? Will that worsen it?] Gordon signed nervously.

“N-no...yes, go ahead.”

Barney suddenly felt the cool warmth of Gordon’s embrace for the first time in years- without that damned suit of course. Just this fact alone was enough to make it worse. The cold metal of Gordon’s legs leaned against him, causing his skin to crawl.

“Why do y-you still care? It w-would be easier if you just...didn’t.” He took a deep and shaky breath and continued, “I w-want everything to just, stop. Go back t-to normal. Hell, back to the incident...at least then w-we’d be together. I-I mean we are together but its...not right. I’m not right and neither are...you. Look what they fucking did to you! You’re like...like-ugh, just not right. Aughh that sounded wrong, I mean- you’re not the same! I’m not the same either! Though, you’ve got it worse. It must’ve hurt so bad. They stripped so much of you away- its hard to look at you sometimes, but I want so badly to never stop looking at you. I’m such an ass, treating you like this. Lying. You’ve never kept secrets from me, I’m not returning the favor…. I’m horrible. Just to think, all this time I’ve been playing Bill Clinton with you and the resistance I-” Barney froze, suddenly feeling Gordon’s grasp slip away.

Gordon stood up as Barney’s hyperventilating grew worse.

[What did you say?]

Barney swallowed a lump in his throat, Gordon’s gaze digging into him. He tried to form words but nothing was coming out, only unintelligible audible fear.

Gordon began to anxiously pace around, avoiding Barney’s gaze and cracking his knuckles, causing Barney to jump. He was signing something so violently and quickly it was almost as if he was going at 80 mph and he showed no signs of stopping. He looked over to his partner on the ground, [You’ve been lying to me.]

Barney adjusted himself quickly and tried to force something out, anything that could make this experience less painful but still, only fear. He quickly got up and grabbed into the metal shelf for support.

[you.] Gordon pointed at him, his face contorted in emotion that could only be described as pure nightmare fuel.

[Traitor. T-R-A-I-T-O-R]

“I-I had to!” Barney squeaked out.

Gordon knocked over items on his bedside table, glass crashing and shattering near Barney’s feet. The calm and anxious scientist Barney had once known was going apeshit. He continued to knock things over in flurries of aggrieved frustration, everything flying across the room and clattering with such force that even Gordon himself jumped.
“B-Breathe darlin, breathe….breath p-please.”

Gordon was not listening, continuing his rampage among his living quarters.

“I didn’t want to have to do it….I- just they brainwashed you! I’m so fucking sorry just please listen to me, Gordo! I-i’m so-”

Before he could finish a thick book flew directly at his face, causing him to stumble backward, the metal shelf moving with him. Blood streamed down from his nose, the pain burning and stinging.

“T-the fuck?!!” Barney gasped, Gordon, running out of things to throw and kick over. He paused, the bloodcurdling shattering ceasing. He stood there for a second, still breathing heavily. Suddenly, he began to grab the pieces of his H.E.V suit and attempt to slip them on. He put them on quickly, occasionally letting anger take over and miss important details. This is the part where it would’ve been smart for Barney to run, as far as he could but something was keeping him there. He knew…..Gordon knew….someone was not getting out alive.

If Barney just ran then he would surely lose his cp position and lose the resistance’s trust, there wasn’t a doubt. Gordon would have to be taken care of. He was already such a nuisance to their cause, even if Barney didn’t want to admit it. With Gordon out of the picture, everything would be easier to swallow. This fact was not comforting, even though it should. Barney reached into the layers of his CP uniform, still keeping an eye on his feral partner. After rummaging around from under his vest he finally pulled out his rusty crowbar. He’d been holding onto it for years, for the moment Gordon possibly came back, how ironic he would be the one wielding it all along.

“P-please, I don’t want to have to hurt you, hun,”

Chapter Text

With all of the H.E.V suit back on, Gordon stared down Barney, fuming.

[why. Why. why. Why. why.]

Gordon’s sign was shaky and furious. He repeated it over and over as he slowly balled his fist, throwing his arms up in frustration. Barney gripped the crowbar tighter as Gordon inched closer. “Don’t come any closer p-please! I don’t w-” He swallowed, leftover tears swelling his eyes, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Gordon stopped for a second, his eyes almost seeming as green as they used to. Barney’s breathing slowed as he watched Gordon’s expression twist into confusion and doubt. Please remember something...please be what that means, barney prayed to himself as Gordon sat there like a deer in headlights. With a sudden jolt, Gordon stomped over to his bed, rummaging under the frame and sticking his hand in a hole in the mattress. He pulled out a crowbar similar to Barney’s, rolling out from under the bed and quickly standing up with such force he nearly fell over. He rubbed the crowbar with his gloved hand, allowing it to perch in his palm with just enough of a grip to get Barney’s adrenaline to kick in. Gordon reluctantly yet angrily made his way over to Barney, swinging the crowbar near his head. Thankfully,- he ducked, instinctively kicking Gordon's knee and crawling away as he stumbled.

“Jesus, I forgot how much that damn suit hurts….” He nervously laughed, obviously trying to lighten the mood for himself.

Gordon was not impressed, in fact- the more Barney spoke the more it seemed that he wasn’t going to get out of this alive judging by Gordon’s slowly building frustration. Barney made his way over to the corner and perched himself up, his leg still sore from kicking the H.E.V suit. He took the crowbar with both hands and positioned himself, still very much in panic mode. “P-please hon...I love you- don't do this..we can fix it! We’ve always fixed it! Re-remember back when we hid that chumtoad….”

Gordon’s expression didn’t change. He was still staring Barney down and watching his every move as if he expected Barney to lunge at him at any moment. “Okay...so it seems you don’t...shit.”

Gordon took another swing, nicking Barney’s sleeve and creating a crater in the apartment wall. He wiggled the crowbar out and sent it back, Barney dodged and blocked another swing, using his crowbar like a shield. He slightly stumbled back as Gordon inched closer and began to apply more pressure. It almost seemed as if Gordon was attempting to fight back the tears as he let go, giving himself a second to breathe and then going in for another hit. He managed to get Barney in the eye. If it weren't for the fact something was holding him back Barney would probably be blinded. Barney screamed out in pain, cupping his eye as blood flowed through his fingers and all over his muddy glove. He shook in pain, losing the grip on his crowbar as Gordon backed away, Barney’s scream echoing in his mind.
“Okay...Gord...that…” He reluctantly took a breath and swallowed, “t-that fucking hurt.” He attempted to open his eye, only for the blood to flow back in and cause him to close them again. Gordon forcefully straightened himself and took a deep breath. He made another swing, this time not too sure where he was aiming for exactly...he just wanted to get it over with as fast as possible. Barney threw himself down onto the floor and stumbled back, avoiding another hit. Gordon’s arm swung back, nearly hitting himself with his own crowbar. Barney slowly took his hand off his eye, blood still flowing but slowing down. He finally managed to open it enough to see Gordon in full again. He looked *terrifying*. This- whoever this was...he wasn’t even sure if Gordon was still in there at this point, to tell the truth. Gordon could never look like this. Barney tried to relax, but it was no use. There was so much happening it was difficult to even have a lone thought. Gordon dragged his crowbar behind himself and raised it in the air, giving barney enough time to jab at his gut. Despite the protection of the bulky suit, Barney had hit hard and sent Gordon back. He hit harder than expected. Gordon instinctively grabbed his side as he coughed up a fair amount of blood, causing Barney to begin to feel light-headed.

“Oh god….” Barney mumbled, feeling his stomach crawl up his throat. Tears streamed down his face as he watched Gordon attempt to get up.

He did that.

He hit his boyfriend straight in the fucking gut. Hard enough that he kicked the wind out of him. The morphine had to kick in by now...it had to. If Barney jabbed him like that just a few more times….no. No, he isn't supposed to think that. He doesn't want to at least. At this point, acting was more important than thinking. He was doing this for the resistance! For the freedom of the people! But at what cost? The resistance was still dying every day and they were not making much progress. The chances of freedom were too slim to risk. He could just give up and take Gordon’s hand and lead him to the rebel base. He’d get nearly everything he wanted, it’ll just be a little...different. Yeah..it’ll be like old times...Calhoun and Doctor. Freeman talking in the breakroom for hours and hours, not even getting to finish their lunch. Calhoun and Doctor Freeman having a drink on the roof, watching the New Mexico sun drip down the horizon. So many thoughts about the past clogged up Barney’s brain, almost making him forget about Gordon coughing on the floor.

“Ough...Darlin’ please stop please just stop...breathe....” He could feel himself begin to hyperventilate again. Gordon looked up at him, worry contorting his expression, making him look almost like a sad puppy. “Don’t look at me like that, doc you’re killin’ me…you know how this is supposed to end.”

Gordon shook it off and shifted all his weight onto his crowbar, using it to slowly get back up. As the morphine kicked in, he stretched and whipped the blood from his mouth, now looking straight into Barney’s eyes. He looked offended, shocked even, almost as if he didn’t expect Barney to even hit him at all. His shock quickly dissipated though and turned back to an angry scowl. Barney scrambled up and held his crowbar out in defense. “I don’t want this,” He croaked, “Please tell me you don’t want it either.”

Gordon swung at his gut, Barney blocking it with his crowbar and throwing his partner off. Barney clambered to the bathroom doorway as Gordon adjusted himself, soon following closely behind. Barney quickly took out his CP baton from his belt and slammed the electrified baton into the door mechanism, causing the door to slam open. He ran into the bathroom and frantically shut the door behind him, giving him enough time to hide and catch his breath. The shower would be too obvious and jumping out the window would do no good. Gordon continually slammed the door, each hit reminding Barney that he didn’t have much time.

“Fuck it…” he mumbled and climbed into the shower. The glass of the shower was cloudy but just enough to where he could watch as Gordon managed to get the end of the crowbar through the crack in the door. He slumped down as he felt his body give up. He was getting too old for this. Not only physically but emotionally. It had been 20 years, after all, possibly less for Gordon judging by how kind time had been to him. At this point Barney would believe anything, who knows, maybe Gordon just somehow made a deal with the devil and never aged, they still haven't figured it out. He sighed, his body practically gluing itself to the shower. He slowly laid down his baton, still holding onto his crowbar. Looking down there was dried blood around the drain, crusty and brown- a sight Barney was too familiar with. Jesus...Gordon had hurt people. The blood was probably what was washed off of him. Yeah, Barney had hurt people too, but this topic wasn't exactly something to appreciate the solidarity of. He never saw Gordon do any harm, especially back then. It was too hard to imagine him even hurting an ant honestly. Everything was a living specimen worth studying. Everything had its place in its ecosystem. If that was the case why would he end the lives of innocent organisms? It was something Barney couldn't fathom. God, Gordon probably hated the escape from Black Mesa. He had to kill off all those Vorts and military just to get back to something normal. He did not arrive at the right place that's for sure.

Gordon had pried open the door and began to survey his surroundings. Barney held his breath, his hand levitating over his CP baton. He could get that pistol out from under his pant leg and just get it over with. Smash the shower glass and shoot him down. He didn't want to see Gordon and blood in the same room...ever again, but it would have to be done. The resistance might be failing but he could never betray his family. He'd die for them, but he'd also die for Gordon. He could feel his mind-twisting around again, feeding him more worries and doubts than he could take. Trying to hide from your malicious and weaponized boyfriend while trying not to hyperventilate and shut down proved to be difficult.

Gordon trudged around the open bathroom, clearly tired and beat. He probably wasn't getting any more sleep than Barney by the looks of it. He huffed and kicked over items on the bathroom counter, occasionally throwing in his crowbar for more coverage. Why wasn't he looking for Barney? The shower was a pretty obvious place to hide. Not to mention Barney's silhouette wasn't hard to miss.

Gordon punched the mirror hanging on the wall, glass shattering and causing Barney to jump. He wasn't phased by it; the glass had slid off his suit like butter. He screamed in anger and fell to the floor, laying his hands on the seat of the toilet. He sat in silence for a moment, his face pale. His loud sobs quickly broke the silence as he buried his face in his arms.

Barney sat and watched as Gordon shook and cried. He wanted to do something. He wanted to bolt out of his hiding spot and comfort him...kiss him and hold him tight. That always made it better. In theory, he could, but it was just too much to risk.

Oh, what the fuck was he saying?

RISK? The man was cracked open like an egg! Barney couldn't stand watching him sit there and fall apart. It was gut-wrenching. He could remember the late nights when he’d peak into the study room of Gordon’s old dorm, watching as he cried over some paperwork. Barney had become an expert on comfort throughout the years. Gordon could confirm, the number of nights they spent sharing their favorite movies in a warm embrace said it all.

Gordon slammed his hand on the seat of the toilet, nearly causing the lid to slide off. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to fight it. The longer barney watched the more he could feel a knife of guilt in his gut.

Acting by his instincts, Barney got up and slowly slid back the shower door. Gordon jumped, the sound of barney alarming him as if he forgot who he was chasing. He immediately jolted up, grabbing his crowbar off the floor and practically running towards Barney. Barney quickly tried to slam the door, but Gordon had already started to try and climb in. The two fought with it, Barney trying to shut it and Gordon forcing himself in. Barney let go for a second, enough time to punch Gordon square in the jaw. A wince of pain echoed throughout the bathroom, the sound of impact echoed in Barney’s mind. He felt like he was going to be sick.

Barney slammed the door as Gordon stumbled back and held his jaw. He could see a slight silhouette of Gordon flipping him off as he prepared himself for the worst.

“So much for helping you I guess!” Barney nervously laughed, feeling dread sink over him.

Gordon threw himself onto the shower glass over and over. It took about 5 tries until the door shattered into bits, some shards getting stuck in Barney’s Cp uniform, give or take a few scratches. Gordon climbed in and immediately swung his crowbar, Barney ducking and hiding in the corner.

Barney frantically got up, pointing his crowbar at Gordon and picking up his CP baton. He kept the crowbar leveled at Gordon and slowly made his way to the other side of the shower. The two of them watched each other closely, any sudden movement was registered as a threat. Barney tried to shake off all the emotions looming over him. The way Gordon was looking at him made him feel as if he was going mad. That was still his face, his eyes and his beard….just it wasn't correct. He had gone over this fact many times in his head, just anything to validate all the horrible things he'd done in the last few minutes. There was no reason for him to forgive himself. Gordon was still in there, and Barney was hurting him.

Barney quickly moved his hand behind himself, turning on the water. The water shot from the showerhead and spilled around them, distracting Gordon enough for Barney to make a run for it. He didn't get that far until Gordon grabbed him by the collar and pinned him to the wall.

Gordon held down Barney's arms as he whacked his side with the metal crowbar. Barney screamed out in pain, his whole body withering. He didn't hear anything crack, but the sound of the shower could've easily drowned it out.

"That- that was when you were supposed to kiss me not hit me!" Barney attempted to joke, gritting his teeth as the pain kept traveling throughout his body. Despite all that was happening, all he could croak out was dumb wit and jokes, it was helping a little.

Gordon hesitated before he continued, his eyes red from holding back the tears. He prepared to jab Barney again before he was suddenly kicked back into the glass.

"H-hey, we never got to finish Voyager together. Ya know…" Barney whipped blood from his nose, "like star trek."

Gordon tilted his head in confusion as he lay in the corner of the shower.

"Yeah! that's right! Star Trek! We never got to find out if Janeway got the crew back to earth!" He exclaimed, the tears flowing back. "Am I breaking it? I pray to fucking god I'm breaking it…please."

Gordon's bewilderment slowly turned back to frustration. The memories were attempting to flow back, but the brainwash was not letting them in.

Gordon caught Barney's leg with his foot, sending him clattering to the puddle in the shower. Blood flowed from his head and into the drain.

Barney pretended to ignore the sudden gash in his head. "R-re….remember that episode when they...they were turned into lizards?" He croaked, trying his best to get up.

Gordon crawled over to him, picking him up from under the arms and tossing him like a sack of potatoes against the shower wall. Before he could whack Barney again, Barney grabbed his shoulders and the two went rolling over the glass and steaming water.

"That was a weird episode...I remember you hated it….you were so mad you made a whole column about it on your blog..."

Gordon threw Barney off and scampered back to grab his crowbar, standing up and brushing himself off.

"I think the reason you hated it the most was because the science was way off. I mean, we don't evolve into lizards. That doesn't make much sense. I tried to tell ya it was just Sci-fi. You were always so cute when you got angry over that shit."

Gordon threw down his crowbar and screamed like no tomorrow, it was a miracle that nobody had come to the apartment to check on them. He held his head in his hands and wobbly paced around, his head spinning with slight flashes of memories.

Barney watched as Gordon began to hyperventilate and panic. He wanted so bad to go over there and help him, but last time it didn't go that well. Gordon didn't like to be touched during panic attacks anyway.

This was the moment. He had an opportunity.

He tried not to think as he took the pistol out from his boot. As he gripped it he could feel himself grow sick.

He had to do it.

For his family. For the resistance. For all he's fought for these last 20 years. Gordon was in pain. He was taken from him and used as a puppet. He didn't deserve that at all. There was no going back to how it was. This was the present, Barney had to let go.

He cocked the pistol and aimed it at Gordon's midsection. He swallowed and closed his eyes, fat tears falling down his cheeks.

One-shot, two, three...four.

"WARNING: VITAL SIGNS CRITICAL. EVACUATE AREA IMMEDIATELY"

The H.E.V suit voice resonated in Barney's head as he dropped the pistol. He quickly crawled over to Gordon, not even phased by all the glass that was stabbing through his uniform.

Gordon looked so helpless.

His face was pale from all the blood loss and fighting. He looked like the walking dead.

Barney ran his hands through Gordon's hair, a sob catching in his throat. He tried to say something but nothing was coming out.

Finish the job.

Barney turned back to his CP baton, hesitating before he grabbed it. He slowly stood up and leaned against the shower wall, his head still bleeding from earlier. He managed to stand up completely raised his baton, closing his eyes.

"Please, darling...I don't want to die…" Gordon croaked his expression one of desolation.

Barney dropped the baton and fell to his knees. His voice...Gordon's voice.

[I. hated. that. episode.]