Chapter Text
I felt something... As if my eyes were a tad sore.
I opened them very slowly. It had taken a long while until my vision finally started adjusting, and when it did, at first I could do nothing but stare soullessly into the blank emptiness above. The only thing I perceived was the dark, gloomy space around me.
Only then did I come to the realization that I had been lying the entire time, covered with a clean duvet.
I didn’t understand anything. A strange yet familiar odor hit my nose. It was the typical smell of that place, a smell of sterility and strictness. I finally thought I knew where I was: in a hospital.
However, it was still impossible to observe more of the room in which I was situated. I tried to move a little, terrified to find out that my limbs were completely numb.
My heart was pounding wildly and I felt nauseous. My heavy breaths were the only thing resonating in that otherwise silent, empty room. The skin of my stomach was itching and stinging.
Anxious and exhausted, I tried my hardest to remember, to recall at least something that had happened, anything that could explain the state I was in at that moment. Despite having no perception of time, another battle with my own mind must have lasted for a few hours, except those hours felt like eternity.
The burden of such helplessness and loneliness, while not even feeling my arms and legs, was too overwhelming.
After so much struggling, I finally remembered what had happened, at least the basics.
Flashbacks of pushing myself through the crowds at the train station ... getting home ... seeing Gatsby... the pool .. the gun, the shot .. the fall ... returned to me and connected.
Even though I believed I must have died because there had been no other option, the place and state I was in seemed to prove the opposite.
I was alive...
Jay came to my mind again and I started worrying about him.
The pressure of all my thoughts and realizations made me even more tired than I was before and caused me to pass out once more.
When I woke up, it was daytime.
My nausea had toned down, but I still felt weak and sickly.
I tried to look around the clean, tidy room painted in white.
That was when I discovered I wasn‘t alone.
On the right side of the room, a man of dark blonde hair was sitting backwards on a wooden chair, leaning against the stile, with his face buried in his crossed arms.
It was no one else but Jay. He was asleep and breathing steadily, although the sleeping position he had chosen must have been incredibly uncomfortable.
Him, Jay Gatsby. This confident, dignified, mysterious millionaire – even though there was so much more to him than just these superficial features - had spent the night like that.
My eyes welled up with tears of relief and peace when I realized he did this to be near me. I didn’t feel like I deserved it, though, and my gratitude started mixing with feelings of guilt and worry.
In a few minutes, the door opened slowly and a nurse of about the same age as me quietly entered the room. She came up to my bed and let out a slight gasp at seeing me awake. I glanced at her, she politely wished me a good day, whispered that she would go get a doctor to come and see me immediately, and left the room.
She returned soon, with another nurse and a whole group of solemn doctors, who began asking me various questions. I tried hard to answer all of them as accurately as possible, but so much of sudden attention made me nervous.
I always disliked being at the centre of attention, therefore I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed.
I mentioned and described the problem with my limbs to them, as well as my nausea and pain on my stomach. They listened carefully, with grave expressions on their faces, took notes and discussed, but such behaviour was only pushing my nervousness further, since I didn’t know how serious my conditions were and what to expect.
Despite all of this happening, Jay was still asleep. One of the nurses went to wake him, whispering that „Mr Carraway has woken up“.
He shook a little, lifted his head, tried to open his tired eyes, blinked a few times and stared at the nurse.
„Mr Carraway..?“ he repeated in a husky voice, not understanding yet.
After a moment, he did realize and stood up from the chair as if he was hit by a lightning.
„Nick?“ he whispered in amazement.
“Nick!“ he called, this time with hope in his voice.
He approached my bed with a gaze full of awe and stood beside me, breathless.
Then, he turned to the rest of the people in the room and demanded: „Please, let us be together and give us space for some time. We both really need it.“
The doctors didn’t seem too pleased about his request, but also looked like they wouldn’t dare to dissatisfy him. Therefore, everyone left the room respectfully and we had privacy again.
What shocked me from the very beginning was the state he was in. I never thought I would get a chance to see him like that, but unlike the rest of the people who claimed to know him, I was never ready to judge him according to his appearance.
This wasn’t the elegant Gatsby most people knew.
Before me stood a tired, distraught man.
His face unshaven, his expensive shirt soaked with sweat, his hair, in other times very neat, now messy and greasy. There were large, dark circles under his eyes.
Everything about him proved that he had been jaded and heartbroken for a longer time.
I felt immensely sorry and in that moment, all I wished for was to comfort him.
Jay stared at me and started: „Oh my God, Nick, I.. I...“
But the amount and conflict of everything he was feeling was consuming him and didn’t allow him to say any more, it was just too much. His eyes became red with unshed tears that he so desperately tried to control.
He hurried towards the window and held onto the windowsill, trembling. After several light sobs I realized he was crying, which was all my fault, and he didn’t want me to see it.
My vast feelings of guilt and reproach deepened and I wished I could just get up, come to his side and hug him; or punish myself for all the pain I had caused him.
Bashfully, I managed to say: „I am so incredibly sorry. Please, don’t torture yourself like this, not for me.“
My voice, already weak enough, almost broke.
He calmed down a bit, walked back to me wiping his face and sat down on his chair beside me. „Nick, what were you even thinking back then?!“ he asked, full of concern.
I knew he was reffering to the incident.
„Something had to be done, Jay. I couldn’t have let him hurt you... You may have died and you know that, “ as the last words left my mouth, I stopped and realized I didn’t know how long I had been unconscious and had no idea what had been happening in the meantime.
„H-how long had I been... absent?“ I stammered.
Jay glanced at me, still concerned.
Then he looked away and tried to remember. „You had been in coma for about a month,“ he replied seriously.
This information was hard for me to process.
I timidly asked for a favor: „Please... Could you tell me what has been going on since that day?“
He hesitated and frowned. „I really shouldn’t – certainly not now. The last thing I want to do now is to weigh you down with these things. First of all, you need to rest and get better.“
„Please.. I need to know,“ I groaned grumpily. Too many questions flooded my mind and I thought my head would explode from the tension they were causing me.
His expression was still patient, kind, though also painful. „I’m sorry, Nick, but-“
„Goddamn it, Jay! If you haven’t noticed, I am not a little boy anymore!“
I immediately regretted yelling that.
I truly didn’t want to lash out at him, because I knew that he only meant well and wanted to protect me, and that meant the world to me. He was the only one I had, and now I hurt him by my inconsiderate, unjustified tantrum.
To my surprise, he didn’t get upset at all.
Instead, a small, sad smile appeared on his face, and even though he tried to hide it, his bright blue eyes reflected the inner pain that my words had brought him, once again.
„I- I’m so sorry, Jay...“ I sighed, „I have no idea what came into me. I didn’t mean to....“
„It’s alright, old sport,“ he replied warmly, with genuine kindness, „I know you didn’t. Such things happen from time to time; I know it very well... And it feels horrible to know that once those words are out, you can’t go back to when they were still unsaid, even if you didn’t mean it. Sadly, most people will never fully believe it wasn’t your intention and will make it impossible for you to explain. But not me. If there is a person who can fathom that, I can. My point is, I already forgave you.“
There are no words to express just how thankful and touched I was yet again by his immense understanding and empathy.
„I am going to explain everything to you once your health gets better..“ he promised quietly, a contemplative expression appearing on his tired face.
At last, he added: „Or, best when they let you out of here.“
I believed him and appreciated his promise, yet still couldn’t get rid of the disappointment I felt. In spite of being a rather patient person, being forced to wait too long for important and serious information had always stressed me out.
After the doctors had returned, they carried with themselves the feeling that something, either difficult or disturbing, had to be done.
One of the nurses was asked to tuck up my pajama shirt. What I saw after that must have been one of the most hideous and shocking things I had seen in my life.
An enormous, ugly scar, placed across my whole stomach, was the source of my constant stinging pain and itching.
From that day on, a new cycle of long days of taking medication, of endless examinations, rehabilitations and therapies began for me, and it wouldn’t be over so soon.
Since then, Jay started visiting me in the hospital. Every day, he would stay with me and keep me company for several hours and look after me while we talked and enjoyed each other’s presence.
Thank God, he was starting to feel better too and was finally getting more sleep. Often I even tended to wish if he could be there with me all the time, but I never confessed.
I still couldn’t be more grateful to have him beside me: the more time we spent together, which was adding up to the time we had spent getting to know each other before the incident, the closer we became.
He was a source of harmony and eternal understanding to me, a soul I could connect with; a true friend who understood and accepted me more and better than anyone else ever could...
My treatment had lasted longer than I thought it would; I had to stay at hospital a few more weeks while I was still in the need of special and intensive care. The doctors and nurses were taking great care of me and luckily, my state was slowly improving.
Thanks to medication and lots of rehabilitations, I could feel and move my arms and legs again, and during the last days of my stay, I was finally able to walk.
However, my uneasiness from not knowing what had been happening all that time was growing bigger. That was the reason why one day, I tried to ask one of the nurses.
„I’m sorry, Sir, I don’t know that much,“ she responded, „but.. I guess there is something I could tell you.“
I got to know that after the incident, I was immediately taken to the largest New York’s hospital and underwent some very complicated abdominal surgeries. That was where the scar came from. It was said it had been a miracle that I survived at all, and my state had been critical even after the surgeries. I learnt that Gatsby was the one who had paid some of the best doctors, surgeons and specialists in all of United States, who would travel to New York to save my life...
According to the nurse, Jay had been doing terribly since my life was in danger. He craved to be with me and watch over me during my time spent in coma, and he wouldn’t have eaten or slept properly for weeks if the staff hadn’t forced him to.
He hopelessly waited for me to awaken and most of the time refused to go back home, but in the last week, the doctors found out my state was slightly improving and he was given hope again.
I had never believed anyone would ever care about me that much, but since my dialogue with the nurse, I knew I would never forgive myself for causing him so much hardship and distress.
One cold, cloudy November afternoon, I left the hospital with feelings of boundless gratitude, as well as guilt, reproach and bits of self-loathing.
One of my worst insecurities had always been my tendency to feel like my existence was nothing but a burden to the people whom I was acquainted with, especially to my few close ones.
And it was a fact that those feelings would still last strongly.
After my long stay at the hospital, I moved in to Jay’s house until my recovery would be completed; according to the experts, it was still necessary to have people to take care of me in order to recover as properly as possible. Jay insisted that I move in, at least temporarily, and again he hired several new nurses, servants and a physician to help and look after me. More and more often I found myself wondering how would I ever be able to thank him enough or repay him.
I was happy and extremely grateful to live in his mansion with him.
Even though I never wished to live in such a huge, luxurious place for my entire life, the important thing was that we got to spend more time together than ever before.
And as promised, one day Jay finally told me everything I needed to know.
After the shooting, both me and Wilson were taken to the hospital, where the battle for our survival began. I was lucky, but Wilson was not.
Due to my attack, he suffered severe concussion and the doctors couldn’t save him – or at least, that was what I was told. He died the day after the incident, from internal bleeding of the brain.
Since then, I was forced to live with the guilt of having killed a man. And as irrational as it may sound, although he was the one who could have killed Jay, I felt horrible and responsible for Wilson‘s fate.
I wished for him to rest in peace and find mercy.
Jay also told me that on that day, the Buchanans left New York and he had been trying to contact them. After a couple of weeks, they returned to East Egg and got to know what had happened.
Neither Daisy, nor Tom came to visit me – not that I was expecting it – but Daisy decided to turn herself in to the police, was interrogated and proven guilty. I would never have thought she was capable of doing something like this, and it made me believe in her a little more. As careless and shallow as she could be, I tried to believe that there was also a good and just side to her. Jay still wanted to cover up for her and take the blame, but Tom paid a bail so that she wouldn’t be imprisoned and also paid the police to leave this case behind.
When it comes to Daisy, it took a long time for Gatsby to accept she wasn’t meant to come back to him. As he confessed to me later, he still cared about her and wished good for her, though he could never bring himself to be with her again.
He had been through a lot and finally realized the painful truth. Everything he ever did during the last five years, he did for her. But now, he admitted he was never truly in love with my cousin.
He understood that what he fell in love with was his own idealization and illusion of her; not who she really was. What they had was passion and dreams, but lacked true love.
It still hurt him incredibly, which I respected and just tried my best to be there for him. I wanted him to feel and be aware that I would stand by his side and that I loved him no matter if he owned half of the world or nothing.
„I am sad that you don’t realize it, old sport, but you saved my life. I would never ask or expect you, or anyone else, to make such a sacrifice,“ he told me once at dinner.
His face full of thought and care, he also talked about how scared he had been of the possibility of losing me, and more.
But I couldn’t stop the feeling that I didn’t deserve any kind of praise or sympathy for what I had done.
It was just a coincidence that I had been present in that place at that time.
Maybe I had saved his life, but he saved mine too.
He, Jay Gatsby, truly did that... for a nobody like me.
Our bond was becoming stronger and stronger. We found such indescribable reassurance and peace in each other, and the way we opened up and understood one another brought so much hope and light into our lives.
I cared about him, appreciated him and accepted him for the person he was; and he did the same for me. We might have been so different on the outside, but the understanding, closeness and trust I found within our friendship I had never had with anyone else.
Several weeks passed and I was already able to take care of myself on my own. I still had to attend examinations at the hospital a few times a week, but I thought it was about time to move back to my house.
Jay helped me with it, and when we were done, we spent the evening at my place, drinking tea and talking as ever.
Neither of us wished to drink what we used to anymore; alcohol would do nothing but remind us of the loathsome shallowness of the parties he used to throw - all for that one girl who never truly cared. Not to mention the harm which that cursed liquid caused to one’s health in general.
It was quite late already, so Jay started preparing to go back home. I was standing at the window, and lost in my mind, watched pure crystals of snow falling neatly from the sky. As much as I hated to admit it, I needed to finally go to work the next day. Unlike him, I had to work to make a living.
Jay was ready to leave and I went out with him to say goodbye.
He was calm, whereas I felt rather troubled.
I knew that my daily numbness and tiredness, caused by going to work, would return. Internally, I bashed myself for these thoughts, since I was aware I should have been grateful that I didn’t lose my job for good.
As an attempt to tone these thoughts down, I did the only thing that came to my mind at that moment. I came closer to my truest friend and wrapped my arms around him. He returned the hug and eventually let go.
Before he left, I managed to tell him what I had wished to tell him since much sooner: „You mean so much to me, Jay.“
There was silence for a few seconds as he looked down and then right into my eyes. „So do you to me, Nick,“ he replied gently, giving his most wonderful, hopeful smile.
Then I watched him walk away across that new, thin layer of snow, toward his magnificent castle, waving and wishing me good night, not paying attention to the green light on the other side of the bay.