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Chapter Text

Niki always preferred a placid life except for his time on the circuit. He had enough excitement through his racecar driving career and airline business, he would wish no more drama in his private life.

Indeed, he seemed to realize his dream with Marlene and two lovely sons, Luka and Mathias. But recently, something had subtly changed.

Marlene became paranoid. Even though she still smiled at him, took care of the household and their sons, she started asking him questions she would never ask before. Especially, when Niki came back after a long trip to other countries while Marlene stayed with two little boys.

‘Niki, how’s the trip?’ Marlene took over his suitcase and coat, putting them down on the sofa.

He just came back from a 2-week business trip

‘It was good. I bought something for you and the kids.’ Niki pressed a kiss on his wife’s cheek, ‘I hope our little champions didn’t give you too much of a headache.’

‘They are just like their father.’ Marlene smiled sweetly. She hooked her arms around Niki’s neck, ‘How’s New York?’

‘It was fine. The weather was as shitty as always, but those investors were surprisingly friendly.’ Niki raised his brows, ‘And they actually agreed to invest another 6 million to the company.’

‘That’s really good to know, Niki. I am happy for you.’ Marlene brushed Niki’s lips lightly, ‘And did you meet James?’

Niki contemplated the question for a few seconds, then answered, ‘Yes, we briefly met in Paris when I stopped by.’

Marlene casually nodded her head. But Niki didn’t miss her clenching fist that she thought he wouldn’t notice. 

Niki vaguely recognized this unknown intensity or even animosity from Marlene to James. He thought about talking to her but gave it up each time when he met her eyes.

Marlene was too preceptive and he too bad a liar. He kept this secret to himself since there was no way he could tell anyone that he was in love with his best friend and rival. Not love him as a friend. Well, not just as friends. Niki knew better than to show his emotion to the world. Even they were in the middle of a carefree era, he doubted the tolerance of homosexuals. Not to mention that both James and he were married, or once married. They were the symbols of masculinity and manhood. Though Niki was no expert of sociology or ethics, his family was enough to stop him from doing anything more than remaining in a friendly relationship with James.

They barely met each other these days. Since James’ retirement 4 years ago, Niki could only meet him several times by an annual frequency. He spent a long adapting to the absence of James on the circuit, albeit he was happy that James could enjoy the life as he wished. James was the spirit of freedom, he shouldn’t be caged. Niki supported his best friend’s choice wholeheartedly. He still remembered that James held him tightly after his farewell competition in 1978, murmuring passionately into his ear, ‘Don’t’ be a stranger, Niki. Call me anytime you’d like. If you dare not talk to me more than one month, I will come to Vienna and strangle the hell out of your brain until you cannot speak for the rest of your life.’

Niki laughed then he buried his head into James’ chest. He tried to press his tears back. James was the last person he wanted to expose his discomposure to. He couldn’t bear the risk that James might find the hidden secret in his eyes. Those blue and sharp eyes always pierced into Niki’s mind and trapped him into the abyss of James Hunt. James just had no idea how much he could affect Niki. But Niki was satisfied with the status quo. It was a perfect and low-risk infatuation to Niki.

From then on, Niki made a phone call to James once or twice a month as they promised each other. The British was always chirpy on the other side. The call wasn’t long, 10 to 15 minutes to the most. James talked most of the time. He just laughed along and answered in a few words if necessary. When it came to an end, James always said, ‘You go first.’

Niki hummed an agreement and hang up. James was being courteous, nothing more. Niki told himself.

But somehow Marlene had huge interests in those phone calls. Especially after Lukas’ birth, Marlene started to wait on the side when Niki made those phone calls or sometimes picked a few from James. She usually took something, like a book or half-knitted scarf (she loved to make stuff for their son), sat opposite Niki. At first, Niki didn’t mind at all and even conferred James’ greetings to her. Yet, Marlene nearly came nearby too often that Niki started to think she did it on purpose.

Niki felt uncomfortable as he’s being watched. But he had no intention to make a big deal of it since it didn’t actually bother him that much. He wanted to sustain the peace in his private life and his friendship with James.

But things got worse when Mathias was born. He found Marlene would pick up the other phone and listened to his call with James. In fact, he inadvertently discovered it via Lukas. When he was on the phone, he heard some background noise through the line. At first, he thought it was from James' side so that he decided to ignore it. But then, Lukas' voice came through.

‘Mama.’

Instantly, James paused. Then he slowly resumed, ‘Is that your son, Niki?’

Niki was aware that who else was on the other side, but he didn’t call out the name.

‘Yes, James. I think he is asking for us. I need to go.’ Niki replied bit coldly. He was sure that the silent party understood his words.

To his huge surprise, he could still hear Lukas’ voices. Marlene had not put down the phone at all.

Obviously, James heard that, too. He inhaled a little, ‘I’ll talk to you next time, Niki. Don’t forget to convey my best wishes to Marlene and the boys.’

‘I’m sure they already know.’ Niki couldn’t help the snide comment.

‘Goodbye, Niki.’ This time, James hung up first.

Niki held the receiver, listening to the busy tone. He was furious now.

He threw the phone back and ran up to the stairs.

The other phone was in their bedroom. Niki pushed the door open, there she was. Marlene sat on the bedside, holding Luka in her arm. The phone was already put back.

‘Marlene, what is it?!’ Niki tried very hard to withhold his anger.

‘What is what?’ Marlene’s voice was calm and even sweet. She didn’t turn around to meet Niki.

Niki suddenly felt frustrated. He sighed and walked to Marlene’s side and sat next to her.

‘Were you on the phone?’ Niki asked quietly.

‘On the phone?’ Marlene sounded quizzical. She turned to Niki, eyes blinking.

‘I heard Lukas through phone, Marlene. He’s with you.’ Niki stated the fact, ‘If you want to know what James and I were talking about, you could’ve just asked.’
Marlene didn’t answer for a while. She just looked back at Niki, carefully.

‘You were talking to James.’ Marlene finally said, as if she just realized it. Niki didn’t like it at all. Marlene was playing dumb.

‘Marlene….’ Niki shook his head.

‘I didn’t know that. Lukas was fumbling with the phone receiver before I came into the bedroom, maybe that’s why you heard his voice.’ Marlene explained smoothly, ‘How is James? Last time, I read news about him dating a girl named Sara.’ 

Niki was caught off guard by the words. He stuttered, ‘Yes, well, he is always on and off a date. He’s James Hunt.’

‘Oh, really? I heard this time he is quite serious about the girl. She seems a decent and beautiful woman.’ Marlene leaned on Niki’s shoulder now, ‘It’s good for him, right?’

‘Yes, of course. He deserves to be happy.’ Niki answered weakly.

‘We all deserve to be happy, Niki.’ Marlene kissed him on the side of the neck, ‘I always pray for James finding his special woman. After all, he is your best friend. Imagine if we can have a family trip together.’

Marlene sounded genuine and sincere. Niki took her hands and held both her and Luka into his chest. But deep down his head, he knew something was not right.

**

Niki stopped making phone calls to James at home. He did not want another ‘accident’ like last time. Even he had nothing to hide, those times spent on the phone with James were for himself. Niki didn’t want anyone to disturb, not even his wife.

He told James that he was making the phone call in the street phone booth. James didn’t answer for a while, then he asked in a determined way, ‘Niki, when is your next business trip? You told me before that you need to leave Austria for some meet-ups right?’

‘Yes. The next time will be in 2 weeks, 4-day trip to Bonn.’ Niki wondered what James had in his crazy head this time.

‘Okay, I see.’

Niki heard the sound of shuffling and pen scratching the paper. ‘What is it, James?’

‘You will see, soon.’ James answered slyly.

Niki could almost see the lopsided smile on the British face. But he didn’t take it too seriously and soon forgot.

When Niki arrived in Bonn, he took a cab to the hotel his secretary had booked weeks before. It was a lovely 4-star hotel, located nearby the skirt of the downtown, quiet and convenient. Niki was satisfied with the choice.

When he walked to the concierge, there was a glimpse of golden hair caught his eyes. Niki shook his head, he must be delusional to think that James was here.

‘Niki!’ 

Niki didn’t turn back, he thought that he must be so exhausted to think that James was calling his name.

‘Niki!’ This time, the familiar sound unmistakably reached Niki’s eardrum.

Niki turned his head. James was just standing right behind, a few feet away, smiling his dazzling smile.

‘How..why..?’ Niki was completely losing his voice. His brain was blank.

‘Well, I called your secretary and asked for your hotel. Said I was coming to Bonn as well, see if I can meet my old pal for a bit.’ James answered proudly, pulling Niki into a tight hug, ‘Hello, ratty.’

‘And my secretary just sold me out like this? I need to fire him when I get back.’ Niki returned the hug at once, ‘How could he know you are not some suspicious nutjob?’

‘Oh, he recognizes my voice in the first few minutes.’ James laughed wholeheartedly, ‘I guess I am still popular, Niki.’

I watched your news and old competitions whenever I had time, of course, my secretary could recognize your voice. Niki thought coyly. He didn’t tell James, certainly.

‘I spent a fortune to come here, Niki. I have no money to live in such a fancy place.’ James looked at him sheepishly, ‘Well, I can stay in the lobby if they allow me…you see."

‘Shut up, arsehole.’ Niki stopped the blonde ruthlessly, ‘Why would I befriend with you?’

‘Cuz you love me.’ James still smiled.

Niki was stunned by the words. He knew exactly that James didn’t mean it, but for a few seconds, he thought James might have known all along. He calmed himself, and replied with a playful tone, ‘Of course I love you. Why else would I put up with such a big arsehole for so long?"

Niki didn’t dare to look up, he just proceeded to the concierge desk and checked in. 

James stood behind. His face hid in the shadow.

Chapter Text

Niki changed his King-bed room into a double room. He didn’t want to cause any ‘unnecessities’ by sleeping in the same bed with James. No matter how big the bed was.

James sneered at him, ‘Do you know how many people want to sleep in the same bed with me?’ James whispered beside his ears.

Niki flinched away, ‘Not me.’

‘Thought you just said you love me.’ James made a face.

‘Not enough to sleep in the same bed with you.’ Niki held tight on the reception desk. Sometimes he really hated James’ carelessness.

‘Oh, come on, we shared the same bed in London.’ James still spoke by Niki’s side, warm breath ghosting his ears persistently.

‘We took turns to sleep in the bed, James. Not in the same bed.’ Niki replied flatly, ‘By the way, you snore.’

‘Bloody hell, I never snore.’ James protested hysterically, ‘No one ever complained.’

‘Well, now you know.’ Niki rolled his eyes. He was glad the dubious atmosphere had gone.

‘Here’s the keys, Mr. Lauda.’ The lady stood behind the counter handed him two pair of keys, ‘And we updated your breakfast and dinner set into two persons so that Mr. Hunt can go along with you.’

‘Thanks, that’s very considerate of you.’ Niki smiled at the young lady.

‘Enjoy your stay.’  She bowed her head, ‘Have a nice day.’

**

When they opened the door, James pushed through Niki and rushed to one of the beds.

‘Oh Lord, finally.’ James rolled on the bed, ‘I am so tired, I need to sleep for 10 hours.’

‘When did you wake up today?’ Niki closed the door and put his suitcase into the closet.

‘You should ask when I woke up yesterday.’ James yawned.

‘The flight from London to Bonn is no more than 2 hours. What did you do?’ Niki was curious now. He sat down at the side of James’ bed.

‘I took the train. And I had to stop at Gare du Nord for 4 hours before the train headed to Bonn. So, it was almost 12 hours since last night.’ James sounded sleepy, though still smiling ‘Anyway, I made it here before 10 o’clock. Caught you on the scene.’

Niki gripped hard on the bedsheet. He didn’t say anything in response to James ‘adventure because he might say something he would regret gravely later on. He just watched the man lying in the bed and his tiresome yet somehow satisfied sleeping face.

James had already fallen asleep and snored lightly.

Niki touched the blonde’s cheek in full tenderness, ‘Sleep tight, my dear.’ He whispered.

James was still asleep when Niki came back in the afternoon. He had met the suppliers and their experts about the latest engine modes. He planned to wrap the deal as quickly as possible so that he could spare some more time with James.

‘Nuuki?’ James blurred Niki’s name sleepily, ‘Were you out?’

‘Yes, I had a few people to meet before tomorrow’s negotiation.’ Niki came to sit on James’ bedside, ‘Sleep well?’

‘Can’t be better.’ The blonde yawned endearingly, stretching his arms and brushing up Niki’s forearm, ‘I’m hungry. I need to eat.’

‘I’m hungry, too. Maybe we can grab a bite downstairs. I was told they have a good restaurant here.’ Niki couldn’t help himself but smile fondly.

James paused in his stretching and gazed at Niki seriously. Niki didn’t avoid eye contact, it would be suspicious.

‘Niki.’ James’ voice was peculiarly hoarse. It was probably because he just woke up.

Niki was a bit breathless. Eventually, he broke the eye contact and stood up. ‘Get yourself dressed, and we can go eat.’

‘Whatever you want, love.’ James slipped the words naturally, yawning his sleepiness.

‘What?’ Niki’s eyes widened. Did James just call him ‘love’? He knew some people call their dear friends ‘love’, but not James.

‘Nothing, Niki.’ James obviously tried to get away with it. He quickly pulled up his sweater and dark pants, walking towards the door, ‘Ready to roll!’

Niki went along. After all, he was not prepared to talk about it either.

**

After a beautiful late lunch, the pair decided to explore around Bonn.

‘Have you been here before?’ James flipped the pamphlet he picked from the Reception desk.

‘Once or twice, when I was young. This is the first time after I grew up.’ Niki answered absentmindedly, ‘The suppliers moved their office to Bonn from Munich, so I came along.’

‘Glad to be your first-time companion in your adulthood.’ James giggled, ‘I do feel better now despite I can’t understand a word these people say.’

‘I would expect you pick one or two words of German after all these years.’ Niki retorted harmlessly, ‘You English people are just too egomaniac to learn other languages.’

‘Well, every time I tried to learn the bloody Kraut words, some ratty friend laughed hysterically. It kills my mood, just you know.’

‘It’s funny when you pronounced certain words, you can’t blame me.’ Niki shrugged sheepishly. He did remember James once tried to parrot him during one of their arguments on those early days in London. It was like yesterday.

‘Alright, genius.’ James rolled his eyes. Niki couldn’t help himself and laugh.

‘So, where do you want to go?’ Niki made up his mind that he’s going to pamper the pouting Brit this afternoon.

‘I don’t know Beethoven had lived here. Look, Beethoven-Haus Bonn.’ James was genuinely curious about the great composer’s residence, ‘Isn’t it epic?’

‘I personally prefer Mozart, but Beethoven’s not bad.’ Niki commented. He started the engine and reminded the blonde to fasten the seatbelt.

‘I’m asking the house, Austrian.’ James suddenly surged from his seat, getting inches close ‘Thought you lads are buddies. Speaking the same language and eating the same shite.’

‘First of all, we don’t speak the same language. Similar, yes. But not the same. We speak much softer than German. Second, as for the food, speaks the British who I remember clearly just wolfed down a whole plate of ‘shite’ himself minutes ago.’ Despite the one-kiss-away distance, Niki replied calmly and then deepened his lingering smile when he saw the British roll his eyes furiously.

‘Years haven’t mellowed you, Niki. Not even the slightest. You are still the same little cunt that pisses me off every day.’

‘You are welcome.’ Niki grinned.

‘I’ll make you pay for that mouth one day, Niki. Watch me.’ James tapped Niki’s thigh lightly before he sat back.

Niki’s face blushed egregiously. ‘Nuts.’, he mumbled.

He really shouldn’t let James be too carefree. It was bad for his mental health.

**

Their little field trip pleasantly ended with a yawning Niki and yearning-for-more James.

‘Oh, C’mon, Niki. It is only 9 o’clock.’ James posed his watch in front of the Austrian, finger tapping the glass surface to get the latter’s attention.

‘Yes, James. It is already 9 o’clock. And not like you, had the privilege to take a 5-hour nap in the afternoon. I’m quite spent.’ Niki pushed away James’ wrist, having another yawn.

‘Yeah, I can tell. Bet all those business acumens lined up on your mind are consuming.’ James hooked around Niki’s neck, smiling wickedly.

‘I still have another group of people to meet tomorrow morning.’ Niki didn’t distance himself from the contact though he thought it probably was not proper, considering the position of James’ hands, flicking his earlobe. Yet no one actually knew them here, and it was dark already.

They kept such an intimate gesture until they arrived at the hotel. James loosened his hook and separated himself from Niki once they went into the lobby.

Niki poised nonchalantly to show that he was not affected by James’ touches. But inside, he was already in turmoil. When they arrived at the room, Niki asked to take the shower first. James smiled and made a ‘please’ gesture.  

Niki stood naked in the shower cubicle, hot water pouring over his body. He couldn’t help but shiver.

They had been close for many years. James had a flirtatious nature and Niki knew better than anybody else. It never took such a strong effect on Niki. But after James’ retirement, whenever Niki talked to him, he couldn’t be more aware of the impact the British had on him. Maybe lack of meeting did enhance the sensations. Niki sighed heavily. The sound of water would cover every fiber of his frustration. He should gather himself up and not overthink things. James was only being James. And even if he had the slightest possibility to reciprocate what Niki expected deep down the head, Niki would better be oblivious and unresponsive. He couldn’t help thinking about Marlene and the kids. He couldn’t and wouldn’t fail his family. Friendship with James was all he could afford.

He looked at the mirror, the scar on the right half of his face and scalp were still grotesque to look at. He dried the scratched skin with the fluffy towel, then put the hat back. It was not that he was afraid of terrifying James but simply did not want to upset the Brit further. James became downcast whenever he saw the scars either on his forehead or wrists. Niki paid attention not to display them.

‘James, how long can you stay?’ Niki asked from the dressing room.

‘As long as you are here.’ The joyful answer came without hesitation.

Niki paused. He slowly walked towards the source of the voice, ‘What about your job?’

James sat on the floor, scattering his shoes and socks everywhere. In front of the blonde, small bottles of liquor lined up for picking.

‘I took leaves, don’t worry. Niki, come, help me find a proper one for tonight.’ James smiled back, beckoning Niki.

‘You had three glasses of wine and two shots of tequila during the dinner already. Maybe you should call it a night.’ Niki was bit worried about the blonde’s alcohol spree. He was no longer racing. There simply wasn’t necessary to drown in it.

‘Thanks, mommy.’ James made a face, ‘C’mon, Niki. Just one night.’

‘I heard you started quitting the drinking and living a healthy style.’ Niki sat down next to James. Alastair told him last time they met for the contract renewal for McLaren. Niki was happy that the Brit finally had some senses kicked into his head.

‘Yes, usually. But today is different. I’m exuberant.’ James tapped each label, ‘I think Jack Daniel’s fits right well.’

‘You prefer the American thing now?’ Niki sneered.

‘As long as they craft good things, I don’t give a fuck.’ The elder man grinned with delight.

‘Just one.’ Niki sighed, ‘I’m confiscating the rest.’

James didn’t protest. He pliantly went along with Niki’s ‘arbitrary.’

**

When they both lied on their own beds, James said he wanted to chat with Niki.

‘We were chatting the whole day.’ Niki retorted softly, ‘Well, mostly you spoke, and I listened. But still.’

‘Oh, not that nonsense.’ James laughed shortly, ‘Chat with me, Niki. Anything you’d like to say. About your life. Your kids. The domestic life.’

Niki pondered those words. James left out ‘wife’. Niki didn’t want to question that because he didn’t haggle on words.

‘Not much to tell. Lukas is 4 years old and Mathis is almost 2. They are good boys and…very cute.’ Niki couldn’t help but smile when he thought of the boys.

‘You are happy.’ James slowly concluded.

‘Depending on how you define ‘happy’.’ Niki regretted it the second he blurted out. It was late, and he blamed the hormones.

‘How do you define then?’ James seemed more interested now than before, ‘Racing, winning and airplanes?’

‘It’s complicated, James. I can’t summarize it in a few words.’ Niki turned around to look at James, ‘How are you? I suppose you are happy with your new role.’

‘Commenting F1 is nothing like driving. But yes, it is fascinating in its own kind. I think I’m compatible with broadcasting.’ James winced at the younger man.

‘Well, I happened to re-watch the Austrian GP and heard the things you said about Jarier. I’m shocked BBC didn’t beep you.’ Niki huffed disbelievingly.

‘Jesus Niki, he’s a clown and a ticking bomb. I was sweating to see you compete with that French lunatic.’

‘ ‘A mental age of 10.’, yes, you said it.’ Niki giggled, ‘Gosh, James. You’re savage.’

‘Thank you very much.’ James answered sassily, ‘Also, thank god you don’t compete as much as you were before. I need heart medicine when I watch you drive on the same lane with him.’

‘Says ‘the Shunt’.’ Niki laughed out loud.

‘Oi, I was never out of order on the circuit and certainly skillful as hell.’ James chastised harmlessly, ‘I would never leave you in dan—’

James was suddenly quiet. And Niki knew exactly why.

‘James. It’s not your fault.’ Niki comforted the blonde, ‘It’s not anyone’s fault. Bad luck.’

‘I know, Niki. I know.’ James sat up and came to Niki’s bedside, ‘I just need time.’

‘It’s been 7 years, James. Even I am over it now.’ Niki looked into those blue eyes. He didn’t know how to convince the Brit anymore.

‘Sometimes, those who have to watch suffer the most.’ James said quietly.

‘James……’ Niki lost his words. He wanted to shake James. He was the one burnt in the flames and had to go through the lung intubation torment. He never asked for sympathies and refused to show his weakness. He embraced it as it was. James should do the same. It was no good to dwell on the past.

‘What has been done cannot be undone.’ Niki smiled bitterly, ‘Moving on is the best choice.’

‘Don’t Shakespeare me, Niki.’ James looked seriously now, ‘It’s not funny.’

‘What do you want me to say?’ Niki asked quietly.

‘I don’t know.’

Niki closed his eyes. Silence hit the room. With James sitting on his bed, Niki turned his back.

‘It’s late, James. Go to sleep.’ Niki whispered and turned off his bed lamp.

James neither responded nor moved.

**

It was still dark outside when Niki abruptly woke from his dream. He couldn’t remember what exactly was about, but it was surely not a happy one. He turned to see the clock. Only three in the morning.

He tried to go back to sleep but it was rather difficult to do so with an unusual sober mind. His thought drifted to what James said before. The blonde was still struggling with the overdue nightmare they both should leave it behind in 1976. But it was always easier said than done. With Ronnie’s death, it must be more strenuous for James to live free from those shady memories.

Niki signed inaudibly. When he was about to turn around, something warm touched his forehead. Niki instantly stilled and held his breath.

The thought of a thief in the room had come across Niki’s mind for a few seconds, but it was certainly not the case. Of course, it was James.

James obviously sensed the Austrian’s sudden stillness. Instead of removing his hand and pretending nothing happened, he asked in a low voice, ‘Niki, are you awake?’

Niki didn’t respond. He didn’t know what exactly was on James’ mind, but that didn’t seem to be proper in any sense. James sat on the side of his bed and touched his forehead when he was asleep. It was too intimate to be appropriate. Niki remained stiff and silent while his mind was at Stormfront. He was not prepared to wear his heart on the sleeve right now, in the middle of a German hotel during a freaking business trip.

James didn’t recoil from Niki’s unresponsiveness. He didn’t push, either. The British bent down and placed a light kiss on Niki’s forehead and whispered, “It’s okay. I understand. Go back to sleep.” As if he had done it thousands of times.

Niki opened his eyes when he was sure James had fallen asleep. He stayed awake until dawn.

**

When James woke up, Niki was gone already. James signed heavily and pulled the cover over his head.

Shit. He cursed weakly.

When he reemerged from the bed, he found a note left on his nightstand.

Emergency. I have to catch the early flight to Vienna.

Call Concierge for train/plane ticket if you plan to leave. Prepaid service anyway. The room is also paid for the whole week.

Take care, James.

Niki

James folded the note and put it back into his wallet. Niki left without telling him. Again.