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Chapter Text

Boston, July 1931

“All right, now we are hitting on all eight,” Jared declared, facing the crowd as he careened dangerously close to the edge of the stage. He caught one of the tomatoes as he tossed another high in the air. “Give me another, I’m ready.”

Adrienne clutched the tomato to her chest and looked over at the audience. “Does he look like he is ready for another one?”

On cue, Jared stumbled over one of the chairs they had been using for acrobatics earlier, spun around a few times in dizzying succession, and barely caught one of the tomatoes before it fell out of his reach.

“No,” a chorus of children yelled back delightedly. A few adult voices chimed in as well.

‘I can,” Jared insisted. “I promise. Just toss it to me.”

Adrienne looked at him, looked back at the audience. “I don’t think he can handle another one. In fact, I think if I throw him this one Jared will be eating tomato soup tonight. Should I give it to him anyway?”

A loud cheer. She held the tomato up high and then tossed the tomato at Jared, not quite reaching him. Jared made a grab for it, over reached, and tumbled head over heel, one, two, three somersaults before landing on his ass. The crowd was cheering loudly. Jared held the tomato out triumphantly. “See, I told you I could catch it.”

He stood up and let his other hand fall from his chest, revealing three other squashed tomatoes. Adrienne walked over, ran a finger over the mess covering Jared’s white shirt and showed it to the audience. “Looks like we are serving tomato soup tonight. Again.”

They made their bows amidst the sounds of laughter and cheers and quickly made their way off the stage. Waiting in the wings, Richard, a man small in stature with a towering ego, stepped aside almost daintily as they passed by. Jared resisted the urge to rub his tomato stained fingers over Richard’s pristine jacket, barely. Richard went by the stage name King Richard on the circuit, no one knew his last name. As Jared and Adrienne made their way to the dressing room, Jared could hear the beginnings of Richard’s soliloquy:

“Out, out brief candle!”

Richard had once performed on Broadway, which he had bragged about on numerous occasions. Jared wondered what that would be like, to be a Serious Actor and not just a performer out to get as many laughs as he could with the same routine set after set.

Adrienne grabbed his hand as they walked. One of the dancers smiled at them as she passed them by. “You two make the cutest couple.”

Jared smiled back but said nothing. The two of them were very close, and often held hands and went to dinner together. Jared loved her, as the sister he had never had.

They never corrected the assumption they were together because it suited them both for people to think that they were. Adrienne had a boyfriend who she was profoundly serious about, but since he wasn’t around, she was forever being asked out by men who believed in out of sight, out of mind. No one asked her out while Jared was around. Jared was queer, hardly an oddity in vaudeville, but still it would be the death of his career if it was known publicly.

They stood outside the women’s dressing room. “Have dinner with me tonight?” he asked her.

“I’d love to,” Adrienne responded, batting her eyelashes at him as if she was a movie starlet. “Tomato soup is my favorite.”

Jared laughed, loud enough that a few of the girls poked their heads out of the dressing room and then sighed their disappointment in seeing it was only Jared. “I think we can do better than that. I was thinking about going to Regina Pizzeria.”

“Again?” Adrienne sighed.

Jared gave her what she had named his ‘pouty eyes’, and pushed his lower lip out just a smidge. 

“Jared, I was wondering if I could have a word.”

Jared turned; a bit embarrassed to be caught pleading. Jared hadn’t even heard Jeffrey’s approach. Jeffrey looked spiffy, wearing a tailored grey suit with a dark blue tie. Jared felt very conscious of his tomato stained shirt, and his scruffy shoes.

He was Jared’s boss, all their bosses. He owned the theatres they performed in. More than that, he had been a sort of father figure for Jared since the day he and his brothers had joined the circuit with their tumbling act. Jared had been a scrawny, attention-starved thirteen-year-old with an overly anxious mother and an absentee father that had already faded from his memory.

Jeffrey had been both kind and intimidating, with his sometimes stern demeanor, wide smile, and his willingness to spend time with the awkward bookish teenager. Jared had always looked up to him, even now that he was older and as tall as Jeffrey, he still did.

“Sure, I’ve got a minute,” Jared said now. “Or just about, Adrienne and I are headed to a late dinner.”

Jeffrey’s eyes flicked over quickly toward Adrienne and then landed back on Jared. “I was hoping for a bit longer than that, I would like to discuss some changes to your act.”

“Changes?” Jared asked, gripping Adrienne’s hand tighter. He saw Jeffrey look at their clasped hands, saw a flicker of something in Jeffrey’s eyes that he didn’t quite catch but for some inexplicable reason made him feel uneasy. “I thought you liked our act.”

“I do,” Jeffrey replied. “You know that I do Jared. But it’s never a wise thing to rest on your laurels, it might be time to change things up a bit. Maybe turn it into a solo act.”

It was a mystery to Jared, since Jeffrey seemed to like most everyone, why Jeffrey never had cared for Adrienne although she, like Jared, had practically grown up on Jeffrey’s stages. He knew Jeffrey wanted her out of his act almost as much as Jared wanted her onstage with him.

“I like working with a partner,” Jared replied, moving closer to Adrienne instinctively. “Especially this partner.”

“Still –” Jeffrey began.

“We really do have to hurry, or we will be too late,” Adrienne said to Jared. “I’ll just get changed really quick into something more suitable. Goodnight Mr. Morgan.”

“Night,”:Jeffrey’s eyes followed Adrienne to the dressing room, and watched the door close. He took a few steps closer to Jared. “You know I only want the best for you. That’s all I have ever wanted for you.”

“I appreciate it too,” Jared replied. “And I am ready to change things up, maybe figure out a finish that leaves them laughing but doesn’t leave me in tomato covered clothes. But I need my assistant, I have already lost my brothers. I don’t want to lose Adrienne too.”

“You know you’ll never be alone right Jared.” Jeffrey’s voice was soft, so unlike his normal booming one. “You will always have me.”

Adrienne, who like most women on the circuit was a master of the quick change, reappeared by Jared’s side, fitting her small hand once again into his. She was wearing a blue dress with white polka dots and big red buttons. She looked quite spiffy and Jared couldn’t help but grin down at her.

 “Ready?” she asked.

“Right after I change into something less tomato-y,” Jared said to her, noticing the letter she had clutched in her hands. “Night Jeffrey.”

Jeffrey seemed like he was about to say something else, but after a few seconds nodded and wished them good night.

It took only a few minutes to take his stage makeup off and change to a light blue shirt and black pants. Adrienne sat on the table they used to place their makeup and accessories on, chatting with Jared as several other performers milled around in various stages of undress, unconcerned about Adrienne’s presence.

Jared handed his clothes to Millie as he walked out the door. Millie had been in vaudeville since before Jared’s mother was born. She still performed some comedy bits from time to time, but mainly she took care of her “kids”, sewing, patching and thank goodness, transforming Jared’s tomato splattered clothes to clean and pressed ones before each performance. He took the time to bend over to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Away with you,” she muttered, pushing him toward the door but he didn’t miss the way her eyes were dancing,

They walked in front of the theatre on their way to the pizzeria. The theatre was still aglow with lights, the last act wouldn’t perform for an hour or so. There were a lot of empty spaces around the theatre, where a few years ago they would have been buggies and cars parked. Every time they made the circuit, audience members seemed to dwindle. The movies were the big things now, especially since talkies had made their debut a few years back. Vaudeville’s days were numbered, everyone could feel it but none of the performers wanted to admit it.

Except Jared maybe, and only because he yearned for a different kind of stage and a different kind of life.

He was just not sure he would ever be brave enough to leave the familiar behind and chase after the unknown.

Adrienne was humming beside him and Jared thought of the letter she had placed in her purse. “Nothing from your parents would put that ridiculous smile on your face so I am betting that letter was from Barry.”

Adrienne turned a pretty color of pink which was all the reply Jared needed.

“When are you going to stop being so stubborn and say yes?”

“What and give up all of this?” Adrienne asked, with a wave of her hand.

Jared stopped walking, looking down at her face, half hidden in shadows. “You don’t have to stay on my account. I’m not the little boy whose brothers left him to fend for himself anymore.”

“I know that, I do.” Adrienne responded. “But I’m not staying just for you. This is my last chance to experience things, be young and carefree. I want to see as much as I can of the world, before my world becomes a farm, a hundred acres of land, and a husband.”

“And many babies,” Jared added as they continued their walk.

“Two babies, maybe three. Definitely not many,” Adrienne responded.

“You aren’t seeing the world; you are seeing the circuit. The same towns, the same dirty run-down theatres, the same performers in the same crowded backstages.”

“Maybe I’m worried that Barry isn’t enough to keep me happy.”

“Maybe you are worried that he is,” Jared replied. “Wanting stability and a family isn’t a bad thing Adrienne and he won’t wait forever for you.”

Any answer she had to that was forestalled by their entering the restaurant. Their faces were familiar here, and they were quickly seated. The pizza was delicious, and the conversation changed to their normal easy banter.

They were almost back to the hotel before Adrienne returned to their early conversation. “I am not the only person who needs to make a change.”

“I don’t think Barry wants to marry me,” Jared replied with a mischievous smile.

“You are such a chump, I don’t know how I’ve put up with you so long,” Adrienne responded, giving Jared a bit of a push.

“It’s because of my devastating good looks and my oodles and oodles of charm,” Jared answered.

Adrienne snorted. “Like you ever directed your charm at me, Charlie Chaplin is more your type than I am.”

“I make it a point to never carry a torch for someone funnier than I am. So, please tell me, what change do I need to make?”

“Our next stop is New York.”

His favorite stop of the tour. New York was dirty, in more ways than one, but it was also exciting, dangerous, and intoxicating. Every time they stopped there Jared practically lived at the theatre district when he wasn’t performing.

“HMS Pinafore just opened, I hear it’s good, we need to be sure to see it,” Jared said to her, anticipation already thrumming deep into his veins.

“We will, I’m sure. But what would be even better, would be to go see you in a play.”

“Me –”

“Don’t even pretend you don’t want it; I know that you do.” They had entered the hotel now; Adrienne took a seat in the lobby. Jared sat next to her. “It’s been your dream ever since we met, to perform on the stage, to be an actor and not just a performer.”

“I’d be no good at it,” Jared said, looking down at his hands.

“You’d be astounding, I just know it. But you’ll never know if you don’t try.”

“It would mean I would have to leave the circuit,” Jared protested.

“Maybe it is time we both were brave, went after what we wanted.” Adrienne said and patted Jared’s knee. “Just think about it, we don’t have to decide tonight.”

“I think one of us already has,” Jared said, indicating her purse and the letter inside of it.

Adrienne looked thoughtfully at him, searching his eyes as if looking for something. “Come, walk me to my room, maybe by tomorrow both of our paths will be clearer.”

Jared stood up, turned around and almost walked into Jeffrey.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

“I was on my way to my room and saw you two talking rather intensely it seemed. Nothing serious I hope?”

Adrienne answered. “No, just our entire futures.”

Jeffrey was frowning a bit, so Jared reassured him quickly. “Nothing to worry about. We were just headed to bed. I’ve got some ideas for changing up the act, I’d be happy to talk to you tomorrow about them.”

“Looking forward to it.” Jeffrey tipped his hat in Adrienne’s general direction and made his way to the elevator.

“He’s rather intense around you,” Adrienne noted as they followed Jeffrey from a distance.

“He’s just overprotective. Like a certain dame I know.”

“Hmm,” but Adrienne said nothing else about it as they waited for the elevator to descend again.

Slang: hitting on all eight: In good shape, going well

Queer: Gay

Carry a torch: Suffering from unrequited love

Chapter Text

August 1931. New York

Jared peeled off the tomato stained shirt and laid it across the back of his chair. Tomorrow was their last day in New York, and his last performance with Adrienne who had called Barry (via the phone from the theatre to the post office located two miles from the farm Barry owned) and accepted his proposal.

Barry had been a stagehand for a season, a farm boy dazzled by dreams of rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous, and of the bright lights of the big city. What he had found instead was pure drudgery, being constantly belittled by many of the performers, and the love of his life in Adrienne. One season was more than enough for Barry, who decided farming was his calling after all. It had taken Adrienne another year to decide to follow him to a life she had never dreamt she wanted.

Adrienne was leaving to fulfill a dream; it was time for Jared to decide about his.

If he stayed, he would have to keep coming up with more and more antics to keep the attention of the ever-dwindling crowd. His life would continue to be a series of seedy hotels, bitchy performers, and lonely nights.

But he would have a steady job, and he would be able to perform.

Or he could take a big risk.

He did not have a lot of money saved, vaudeville did not exactly bring in the dough, and he sent what he could home to his mother. His mother had wandered off around the time Jared had turned fourteen, soon after he and his brothers began performing, assuming perhaps his brothers would look after him. His brothers never had, leaving the job to stagehands and, to a large extent, to Jeffrey. His mother had reappeared in a theatre in Milwaukee, destitute and homeless. His brothers had families of their own by then and had left vaudeville far behind them, and it was expected Jared would be the one to help and so he did.

He might not have enough to rent an apartment, but there were places he could stay, jobs he could work until he got his big break. If he got his big break.

If he left vaudeville, there were no guarantees he could come back if his theatre dreams came to naught. He would be replaced by a flashier act within days of leaving.

Jared hadn’t realized how long he sat in front of the mirror, staring unseeingly at his reflection, until he heard a noise from behind him. Started, he turned around quickly, knocking his shirt off the back of the chair. As he leaned over to pick it up, he realized it was Jeffrey standing there just by his expensive, highly polished black shoes.

“Just the person I was looking for,” Jeffrey said to him.

Jared held the shirt in his hand, suddenly very aware of his shirtless state. Usually being half or even fully naked in the dressing room was a matter of no concern, many performers had quick changes, or arrived just in time for their performance and had to shed clothes quickly in order to don their costumes. Jared had seen everything there was to see and more and had been seen as well. But somehow with Jeffrey looking down at him, he felt vulnerable in a way he normally did not.

He stood up, still clutching his shirt. “Hello Jeffrey, I haven’t seen you around much lately.”

“I’ve been working on a new project,” Jeffrey replied. “Also, working on a proposition for you as well, if you have time to discuss it this evening.”

Adrienne was going out for a night on the town with several female members of the circuit, a combination goodbye and bridal shower. And Jared was very sure Jeffrey knew that.

Jeffrey handed him a bag with a broad smile on his face. Puzzled, Jared opened it. Inside there was a white shirt, folded neatly, a tie, and a pair of starched dress pants.

“I’ve got us reservations at Hotel Lafayette. You like French cuisine, right?”

“I like most every kind of food,” Jared replied honestly. “But you didn’t have to buy me clothes or book a reservation at such a nice place. The hash house down the street is good enough for me.”

“We have a lot of things to talk about, and I think good food and a bottle of wine will help with that. I wasn’t sure if you had anything suitable here, so I took the liberty of buying you some clothes. I just guessed at the sizes; so hopefully they will fit. Please accept them, they are my way of thanking you for all the business you have brought to my theatres. And everyone needs at least one nice set of clothes, especially people who are about to start a new venture.”

“New venture?” Jared asked.

“Dinner first, then we’ll talk.” Jeffrey checked his watch. “You’d better get changed if we are going to be at the restaurant in time.”

“Thank you for the new clothes. I’ll repay you for them the first chance I get,” Jared said in a rush, to forestall any possible objections. “I’ll be ready in just a moment.”

Jared slipped behind the privacy curtain, a seldom used part of the dressing room, glad that he would no longer be standing in front of Jeffrey bare-chested. There was a full set of clothes in the bag, including underwear and shoes. And everything fit perfectly.

Jared dressed quickly, mind racing as to what Jeffrey wanted to discuss with him. He checked himself in the mirror before facing Jeffrey. The clothes were obviously expensive, more expensive than any Jared had ever worn. He smoothed the jacket out, feeling a bit like a kid playing dress up.

“You look nice Jared, very handsome. These clothes suit you.” Jeffrey gestured toward the door. “Now we really do need to get going, my car is waiting outside.”

Jeffrey placed his hand on Jared’s lower back as they walked out the theatre, which felt a bit strange. As soon as they reached the stage door Jared moved a few steps away from Jeffrey, breaking the contact. The moment was forgotten as soon as Jared saw Jeffrey’s new car.

He whistled, a hand lightly trailing over the car’s shiny chrome. “This must have cost a lot of kale.”

Jeffrey opened the door for him, obviously pleased at Jared’s reaction. “Just came off the assembly line, I consider it an investment. One of many I’ve made lately.”

Jared settled into the passenger seat. The car, a DuPont, was as pretty inside as outside. Jared tried to imagine being lousy with money, enough to buy one of these for his own.

It was a mostly silent trip to the restaurant. Once there, the maitre d greeted Jeffrey warmly and they were led immediately to their table. A bottle of wine was placed on their table as soon as they were seated. Jeffrey nodded approvingly when he looked at the label.

To Jared, one wine was pretty much like the other, he was a beer drinker mainly. While Jeffrey poured, Jared looked around at the restaurant. Across from them an orchestra played classical music. The room was exquisitely decorated, the waitstaff wore pristine uniforms, the patrons were dressed in finery; Jared rarely got a chance to see because these people were not the type that frequented vaudeville.

Jeffrey ordered for both of them, but Jared liked filet mignon, so he did not protest. When it came, it was covered by a sauce he did not recognize, but it was exceptionally good.

“So, I guess you are wondering why I brought you here,” Jeffrey said as he poured them more wine, although Jared had drunk less than half of his.

“You said you had a proposition for me,” Jared prompted.

“More than one actually,” Jeffrey put down his fork and looked at Jared with such a serious expression that Jared was worried for a moment that he had done something wrong. “You are an admirable young man Jared. Smart, funny, kind-hearted.”

Jared fiddled with his fork nervously, he had never quite figured out how to handle a compliment. “Not so smart, not smart enough to finish school.”

Jeffrey waved his hand dismissively. “Fate and your early entrance into show business kept you from graduating, not your brains. I must admit I am glad your life turned out like it did, or we might never have met.”

Jared wasn’t sure what to say to that. He took another sip of the wine, so he did not have to say anything at all.

“Do you like women Jared?”

Jared almost choked on the mouthful of wine, he quickly swallowed. “I like women,” Jared replied carefully and then maybe the wine had gone to his head because he answered honestly. “Just not - the way most men do.”

“I thought so. For a long time I thought you and that sidekick of yours were an item, but that’s not the case is it?”

“Adrienne is just a good friend,” Jared answered. This conversation was making him nervous; he could feel sweatpooling under his collar. “I’m not lonely, if that was what you are worried about. I have lots of friends, people I can talk to. Like you.”

“Like me,” Jeffrey echoed, then reached over the table and grabbed one of Jared’s hands. Shock kept Jared frozen in his seat. “And if I told you I long for something more than friendship?”

Jared opened his mouth, then closed it again, words scattered like moths in his head, but none escaped his mouth.

“Is it so surprising?” Jeffrey asked. “I have always been fond of you, which I am sure you are well aware of. But lately I have come to realize my feelings for you run deeper than fondness. Perhaps you have feelings for me as well.”

“I like you Jeffrey, of course I do,” Jared said. “You are like family to me.”

“And now I have my answer,” Jeffrey released Jared’s hand and for a moment his expression looked stormy before it smoothed out and Jeffrey was smiling at him. “I must admit I had hoped – but you are young, and I am not. I know the young seek out the young, but maybe someday you’ll come to realize how much I have to offer.”

“It’s not that I don’t think you have anything to offer me, it’s just that I don’t think of you like that,” Jared said softly. “You’ve always been so great to me Jeffrey, like the father I never had.”

“I have always been happy to help you in any way I could, I still am. I am sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. We will not bring the subject up again unless you wish us to. Now let’s move on to my other proposition, one you may feel more favorable about. I want to help you. Would you allow me to do that?”

“It depends on what it is,” Jared replied, glad to leave the other subject behind them. Never would he have thought Jeffrey liked him that way.

Adrienne’s words came back to him, he’s rather intense around you…

He pushed the words to the back of his mind and the heebie-jeebies they brought with them. Jeffrey had asked, he had answered. It was unwise to dwell on it any further. Instead he put his fork down, ready to listen to what Jeffrey had to say.

“I have a question for you first. Do you really want to stay in vaudeville now that your friend is leaving? Be honest, just like you were earlier.”

“No, I’ve been doing this for five years. I think I’m ready to try something new.” Now that he had said the words out loud, he knew that he had already made his decision.

“And what would you like to do instead?” Jeffrey asked, pushing his plate away. Jeffrey had eaten most of his food, while Jared was still nervously playing with his.

“Act,” Jared answered, because if this was him being honest, he might as well go all in. “On a real stage, maybe start small and someday act on Broadway. I know it’s silly, I don’t even know if I can act. But I want to try.”

“Nothing silly about it.” Jeffrey reassured him. “I think you’d make a fine actor. I own some property in this town, I bet you didn’t know that.”

Jared took another sip of wine, his mind swirling with the drink he was not used to, with the way that Jeffrey was so quickly going from one subject to another. “I didn’t.”

“One of my small studio apartments just became available.” Jeffrey reached into his pocket and pulled out a key and a folded piece of paper. He handed Jared the key first. “I have faith in you Jared, and to prove it, I am offering you this apartment one year rent free. That should give you enough time to get on your feet.”

“I can’t accept this,” Jared said, trying to push the key back. His own apartment, just to think of it. He had never stayed in one place before, his family were rovers even before he and his brothers joined the circuit.

“Friends help each other, that’s what I am trying to do here. Be a good friend to you.” Jefrey pressed the key back into Jared’s hand. “And if it makes you feel better, we will consider this a loan. You can pay me back when you are a big Broadway star.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Jared replied but this time he didn’t push the key away. This could be his chance.

“I’ll take you there after dinner, show you around. But before we do that, I want to give you this as well.”

It was an advertisement for auditions for a new play entitled Mourning Becomes Electra. “Would they let me audition?”

“I’ve had a word with the director, he’s excited to see you tomorrow night. Wear these clothes, you will make quite the impression.”

Jared looked up at Jeffrey a bit dazed, an apartment and a chance to be cast in a play, all in one night. “I don’t know what to say, how to thank you.”

Jeffrey smiled hugely, his glance lingering on Jared for a moment before he signaled for the waiter. “Your happiness is thanks enough. Come let me show you your apartment. It’s on West 57th, very close to the theatre district as it happens.” He raised his glass. “To new beginnings.”

Jared touched his glass against Jeffrey’s. “To new beginnings,” he echoed.

Slang Hash house: A cheap restaurant

Kale: Money

Lousy with: To have lots of

Heebie-jeebies: The jitters

Chapter Text

Jared was a jumble of emotions as he walked to the theatre where the auditions were being held.

Thirty minutes ago, he had performed his routine for the last time. Twenty minutes ago he had said goodbye to the group of performers who had been like family to him for the past five years, even Richard gave him a hug and wished him luck (although he then added Jared would need a lot of luck).

Ten minutes ago, he had kissed Adrienne on the forehead and promised this was not goodbye, but a temporary farewell until they met again. She already had his new address and promised she would write. By midnight, she’d be on a train, headed to Nebraska and to Barry.

Jared wiped his sweaty hands on his trousers as he stood at the door of the Guild Theatre. The notice of the door stated that these were open call auditions for all speaking roles, and it was signed by the director Jensen Ackles.

Jensen had directed a play Jared had attended last year, a bruiser of a comedy about a married couple teetering on the edge of collapse. It had been fast paced, funny, full of zings that caused you to wince even as you laughed.

A young woman brushed past him, pulled open the door. “Are you coming in or are you going to stand out here all night?” she asked tersely.

Jared stepped inside.

A woman met them at the door.

“I need you to write your name and which parts you are here to audition for.”

The girl wrote quickly and was shown into the theatre.

Jared wrote his name and then hesitated. “I don’t know the play,” he admitted to the woman. “A friend said I should come and audition.”

The woman, who was beautiful with burnished red curly hair and a face that reminded Jared of the angels he had seen paintings in books, took the paper from him. “I’m just going to put you down fo read for -”

She looked at the name on the paper, looked back at Jared, handed him two pages, and then wrote something down. “Have a seat until he calls for you.”

Jared read the two pages slowly as he made his way to the auditorium. This apparently was to be his audition piece.

There were a couple of people on stage, obviously trying out. Jared sat about midway in the auditorium.

A man was sitting front row, center, Jared could just make out his light brown hair in the darkened theatre. “All right, I would like to take this again from the top. Julie, if you could please think of the most buttoned-up person you know and then go from there. Warmth isn’t a quality that Lavinia possesses.”

Julie, presumably, mumbled something and they began again.

They were good, confident. They were barely looking at the sides which amazed Jared because how fast could these people memorize?

The man, who Jared assumed was Jensen the director, thanked them after they finished and called on two more people to audition. The red-haired woman sat beside Jensen holding the sign in sheet.

Jared found the whole process fascinating, so fascinating he never looked back at the pages he had been given. Actors were called up in twos and threes. Sometimes they all read once and were dismissed. Sometimes one or two were dismissed and one was asked to stay.

Finally, no one else was asked to read the part of the mother, instead Jensen had an actress stay on stage as other actors read for various roles. Jared was a novice at this, but he could tell she was good, he was almost certain he had seen her acting in something before.

An hour passed by, then two. Auditions had already started before Jared had arrived, now everyone seemed tired. The director had less and less comments to make as the night wore on.

“All right, I think that’s everyone. I don’t think I will need call backs but if I do –”

Jared raised his hand.

Jensen squinted as he looked down the rows toward Jared. “Yes, can I help you?”

“I – you haven’t called me yet,” Jared stammered in reply.

“And you are?”

The assistant, who Jared had heard Jensen refer to as Danielle, or something like that, whispered to the director. He muttered something back. His features were muted in the darkened theatre, but from what Jared could see, he didn’t look happy. He had probably been ready to go home before Jared had raised his hand.

“All right then, Alaina would you mind giving this young gentleman a hand?”

Jared’s heart was beating so hard, he was sure everyone in the theatre could hear it. His hands were sweaty again, even worse he could now feel sweat on his face too. He fought a compulsion to run out of the theatre and keep running until he caught up with his troupe. It seemed to take forever, and no time at all, but he was standing in front of Alaina. She smiled and patted his hand, which helped to calm his nerves, but not by much.

“You can begin.”

Jared read from the pages clutched in his hands. He was used to talking to audience members, and he knew he was not projecting the way he should be. All the words seemed to catch in his throat, and then come out in a garbled, mumbled rush. In the auditorium, he could hear a few people whispering, someone snickering.

“Stop right there,” the director ordered and stood up. Jared could barely see him, because of the bright stage lights, even though he was just a few yards away.

“Jared, you come from vaudeville, right?”

More snickered laughter, Jensen turned around and whatever look he had on his face seemed to work. The room was silent again.

Jared nodded.

“Then I would think you would know how to talk loud enough that people fifteen feet from you can hear you. Also, it would be wonderful if you could stop cutting off Alaina’s lines. This is a scene between partners, not a monologue.”

Jared could feel himself start to blush, he hadn’t realized he had been doing that, he had just been in a hurry to get this audition over with. “I’m sorry,” he said to the director and then to Alaina. “I’m sorry, I’ll do better.”

“First time?” she asked.

Jared nodded and she patted his hand again. “It’s just nerves, take a few deep breaths dear and we will try again.”

Jared took a few quick breaths that did nothing to change the level of his anxiety, but Jensen was apparently not finished with his commentary.

“Also, it would be nice if you looked at Alaina now and then, since your character is enamored of her.”

Jared’s fingers were clutching the pages tightly, afraid if he loosened his grip the shaking of his hands would be evident to everyone.

“Enamored?” Jared asked as he looked from Alaina to the shadowy figure of the director. “I thought they were mother and son.”

“Have you read the play?”

“No…”

“Then I have no interest in your thoughts. From the top please.”

The second time was as abysmal as the first, though Jared tried to speak louder and to look at Alaina now and then. Jared was sure it was relief for all concerned when they finished the scene.

But Jensen wasn’t through with him apparently. He dismissed Alaina and gave Jared a few new pages to read as Jensen read the part of the sister from his seat in the theatre. He had Jared read the same lines three times and then got on stage and without explaining what he was about to do, or why, pulled Jared’s shoulders back, pushed his head back and tucked Jared’s hair behind his ears. Satisfied apparently, Jensen sat back down and had Jared read the part again.

Jared thought maybe by the last time he read the lines; he wasn’t terrible. The change in posture, and the repetition of reading the same lines three times over, had helped him think about this man, this Orin, and he had read the lines like he thought maybe Orin would, with his limited understanding of who Orin was.

Still, he knew he was nowhere near the level of the other actors who had auditioned and his hands, as well as his voice, were still shaky.

And then finally, blessedly, Jensen dismissed him.

Jensen thanked everyone for their auditions and told them he had decided call backs would not be needed and the cast list would be on the theatre’s door in two days' time.

In the two days after the auditions, Jared walked by the theatre a dozen times.

He knew his audition was terrible, but maybe there was something Jensen had seen in him, the way he kept having Jared read, that he took the time to show him how to stand and everything.

No, his audition was terrible, he had no chance.

He would go back to his room, try to read. He started a letter to Adrienne and one to his mother and finished neither.

And then he would walk by the theatre again.

Two days later, when he turned the corner, there was a small crowd in front of the theatre.

This was it.

There were people turning away, dejected, several of them.

An older man was saying to his companion, “I was hoping for the role of Ezra, but Abner will do, give me steady work for a bit anyway.”

The blonde girl that had entered the theatre with Jared was squealing, jumping up and down.

She turned around, her face lit up with happiness, then she saw Jared. “If you ruin this for me, my first big break, I swear I’ll break every toe in those gigantic feet of yours.” She then turned to her two companions. “Wait until I tell Betty, she is going to be so jealous.”

Jared was puzzled. He had realized they lived in the same apartment building, after seeing her around once or twice since the auditions. But how could he possibly ruin her big break?

Being tall had its advantages, he looked over the heads of the people still reading the paper that was taped to the door.

It took him a few seconds for the name he read to register, it took a few moments more to believe it.

He had been cast in the role of Orin, the male lead.

Improbable as it seemed, impossible as it was to believe, Jared was going to be a real-life actor on Broadway.

He bought himself two chocolate malts to celebrate and was the first one there the next morning when Danneel, as it turned out the assistant’s name was, handed out the scripts.

Chapter Text

Jared was sitting on the steps in front of the apartment building, reading the play for the second time, trying to understand the characters and trying especially hard not to imagine having such dark feelings for his mother when he heard Kathryn, the blond actress who had threatened his toes and had been cast in the role of Orin’s sister, approaching. She was chatting with a group of friends. Not wanting another encounter with her so soon, he played the coward and hid behind the nearby elm tree.

“If he is as awful as you say he is, why on earth would the director cast him?”

“He’s more awful, wait til you see for yourself. Even Alaina can’t pretend he’s good, and she sang the praises of Matt for heaven’s sake.”

The girls were gathered at the stoop Jared had just vacated, apparently in no hurry to move on.

“Matt was so bad,” one of the girls replied. “I can’t imagine seeing worse.”

“Then try to imagine acting with worse,” Kathryn said with a sigh. “It’s the role I was born to play, and I have to play it opposite of someone like him.”

“Nobody could accuse you of not being dramatic enough for the theatre,” one of the girls commented.

Some of the accompanying laughter was good natured, but not all of it.

“Well,” the word was drawn out with a deeply southern accent. “If the rumors about Ackles are true, and if the boy is as pretty as I’ve heard…”

Kathryn snorted. “I wouldn’t say he’s pretty per se, but I guess some people might find him attractive. If you are into tall, awkward boys in desperate need of a haircut.”

Jared pushed his hair back from his face. He really did need a haircut. She had a fair point about his other qualities as well.

There was the sound of a door opening, voices fading as they entered the building.

Jared emerged from his hiding place.

Was Jensen – into boys? Into him?

The way he talked to Jared, that did not seem likely. But Jared didn’t like the idea he had been given the role just because the director fancied him.

It was a ridiculous notion, the more he thought about it. Jensen had given no indication of that during the audition. If anything he seemed to be annoyed by him. Plus, Jensen had a reputation that he was working on building, he didn’t seem to be the kind to throw it all away on a passing fancy.

And who knew if he was even queer anyway? That redhead and he seemed pretty cozy.

None of his business, Jared reminded himself sternly and he went back to studying the script. His first impression had been less than ideal, he planned to make a better impression the next time the cast saw him.

The first few days of rehearsal were blocking the first play in the trilogy, the one that did not include Jared’s character. So, he spent those days exploring New York, being ever mindful that although he was being paid for the production, he did not have money just to waste.

He went to museums, visited Central Park, things he had never gotten around to during the circuit stops. On the third day, Jeffrey took him to see the Statue of Liberty. Jeffrey was a perfect gentleman, buying Jared a coney dog from a vendor, being attentive, listening to his fears about his ability to act.

“I still don’t understand why he cast me,” Jared admitted, as they walked down 37th street toward his apartment. It was getting late, the streetlights were coming on, people hurrying by on their way home to be with their family, and enjoy dinner.

“He must have seen something in you,” Jeffrey said. “Besides, lots of actors don’t audition well. I hear John Barrymore is horrible at auditioning. A good director knows how to look beyond that, see what you are really capable of.”

“Maybe,” Jared said, thinking about what had been said earlier. He wondered how well Jeffrey knew Jensen. If he would know if he were queer. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask, but he reminded himself again that it was truly none of his business.

They were at the door of the apartment building.

“I guess I’d better not go up,” Jeffrey said. “You need your rest; you have a big day tomorrow.” They shared a smile, and Jeffrey leaned over, fixed the collar of Jared’s jacket. “There, that’s better.”

Jared was suddenly very aware of how close they were and wasn’t sure why that made him jittery. Jeffrey hadn’t even mentioned fancying Jared since that night at the restaurant, he had accepted that Jared wanted only to be friends.

Still, the unease remained, and Jared was ready to call it a night.

“Thank you for today, I really enjoyed it,” Jared said, taking a step away from Jeffrey and toward the door.

“I am glad. I enjoyed today as well.” Jeffrey tipped his hat and walked away; he was whistling an old song that Jared could not quite place. Jared slipped into the building and quickly walked up the stairs that led to his apartment.

The feeling of unease stayed with him, turning his dreams into vague images of things falling, being lost in woods, slipping into a river that was iced over. When he woke up, he was shivering, and the sunlight was shining into the room.

Bright sunlight.

Jared looked at the clock on his bedside table, the one that should have woken him up at seven. Its numbers were stuck at 3:45, it had stopped working.

He was going to be late.

Jensen was going to kill him.

He didn’t eat breakfast, didn’t wait for a bus, but ran all the way to the theatre, dodging little old ladies with big purses, and tourists with wide eyes on the way.

He was panting as he rushed into the auditorium.

There were several people on stage – Kathryn, Alaina, a young man he recognized from the audition but whose name he did not know, and a woman he had never seen before.

And Jensen.

Jensen looked at his watch. “Thank you for finally blessing us with your presence Jared. I know how busy your schedule must be.”

“I’m sorry,” Jared said, feeling at a disadvantage already when he so wanted to make a much better impression than he had at the audition. “My alarm clock didn’t go off this morning.”

“Well, if you would kindly join us on stage,” Jensen said and then turned to the other actors. “I’m sorry, but we will need to start again from the beginning. Can everyone exit the stage besides Kathryn?”

”I’m sorry,” Jared repeated again as he walked up the steps on to the stage. He turned to face Jensen and then stood there, frozen.

The night of the auditions Jensen had mainly been hidden in the shadows of the darkened theatre. Jared had been too mortified by his bad audition to be able to focus on Jensen when Jensen had gotten on stage with him to correct his posture.

But now there were no bright lights blinding him, or shadows hiding Jensen. He was seeing Jensen clearly for the first time.

He had never seen anyone so beautiful in his life.

It was hard to focus on any one feature, everything was just so – pretty. His jade eyes, long lashes, the light dusting of freckles, his full pink lips.

“If you are through staring, we would like to get started,” Jensen snapped and Jared finally blinked, forcing himself to look away.

“Sorry, that was rude of me.” Jared felt flushed all over, and only partly due to embarrassment.

“Let’s get started shall we? The act opens with -”

It was like Jared had started off on the wrong foot and never could find the right one. He had forgotten his script in his hurry to get to the theatre and had to share with others. He was not used to blocking, in his act he had just moved wherever it felt right, and Adrienne had accommodated him, and he kept forgetting where he was supposed to go and when. He couldn’t get through more than two lines without having to look down at his feet to make sure he was standing where he was supposed to.

“Maybe things will be better after lunch,” Jensen finally announced. “Meet back here in an hour. And don’t be late.”

He said the last part directly to Jared. Kathryn mumbled, “It can’t get any worse.”

Jared had empty pockets and was not about to risk being late again. Instead he borrowed a script from Rachel, the girl playing his would-be girlfriend, who seemed to be almost as nice as her character was, and sat down to re-read the play again, trying to remember with each line where he was supposed to move to and what stage business he had.

It was about an half an hour when Alaina sat beside him.“It seems I bought two sandwiches instead of one, care to help me out by taking one of these?”

Jared took one, but couldn’t help commenting. “You just happened to buy two instead of one?”

“I’ve always been bad at math,” she replied with a mischievous smile.

“Like I’m bad at this,” Jared said pointing at the stage with his sandwich.

“You should have seen me at my first play. Eighteen, fresh from Kansas, did not know a thing about anything. Had no idea where stage left was, almost fell off the stage by not paying any attention to where I was – twice. The few reviews that even mentioned me basically said it was a good thing I was pretty.”

“I don’t believe a word of it, you are so good,” Jared said.

“Practice my dear, lots and lots of practice. And learning to believe in myself.” She patted his leg. “Anytime you want to run lines, I will be happy to help.”

“Thank you,” Jared said gratefully.

The afternoon went better than the morning, in the sense that it almost had to. Finally, Jensen called a halt. “We’ll go over acts one and two tomorrow, to make sure we’ve got the blocking down, then we’ll start act three.”

Jared waited until everyone had left the stage before approaching Jensen. “I am really sorry about this morning.”

“I don’t need any more apologies. I just need you to be on time from now on.” Jensen picked up the papers he had scattered around chairs, they were filled with notes and diagrams he had drawn.

“I will be, I promise.” Jensen had all of the papers in hand, and quite obvious was waiting for Jared to go away. Jared forced himself to continue. “I’m new at this, I guess that’s obvious, but I want you to know that I can do better. I will do better.”

“I hope so.” Jensen looked like he was going to say something more but then shook his head. “I’ve got somewhere to be so if that’s all…”

“Yes, sure, thanks.” Jared didn’t actually run out of the theatre, but he walked out very quickly.

He stopped by the corner market and bought three alarm clocks on his way home.

Chapter Text

Not like that, no.”

Jared stopped mid-sentence and looked down at where Jensen was sitting on the front row.

They were three weeks into rehearsal, now off book.

“You are either so cold with her ice is forming on the stage, or so hot for her you are practically sitting on her lap. It’s exhausting.”

“I’m sorry,” Jared said for probably the three hundredth time since rehearsals had started. “Last time you said I was too stiff –”

“I didn’t mean to go from that to practically pushing her down to her knees so she could worship at your cock,” Jensen snapped.

Jared flushed, and then bit his lip so that the words he wanted to say in response didn’t fly out of his mouth.

Somewhere along the way, Jared had realized that figuring out a character was like solving a puzzle. Figuring out where bits and pieces of Orin fit, what it was like to be raised as a Mama’s boy then sent off to a war that was bloody and destructive, what he must have seen and what he must have felt. As he walked in Orin’s shoes each day, he found himself no longer needing to look at his feet, no longer having to look at Jensen to check to see if he was doing something right, but to actually live in the moment. Working with Alaina had helped immensely. Rachel and Jake had become friends and were always encouraging. Even grouchy old Mark had told him “not bad” after watching him in the scene where Orin tore into Lavinia and then went off to kill himself.

As wonderful as Alaina was, it was the scenes with the mother that gave Jared the most difficulty. Well, to be fair the scenes with Kathryn were hit or miss, he did best with the ones where they were at each other’s throat because feeling like throttling her came kind of naturally. The scenes with Rachel were the easiest, there was a natural rhythm to their interactions.

But the scenes with Alaina…

It wasn’t her, she worked with him, gave him suggestions, tried to put him at ease. It wasn’t the material really, although the whole concept was strange and distasteful. But the scenes where Alaina, as the mother, was pulling him in, the ones where Jared as Orin was aching for her, the one where Orin flew into a jealous rage – there was nothing easy about them.

Jensen was right, of course he was, always so infuriating right. Jared tried so hard to show his character’s desire one way, and then tried another way, and he always missed.

“Try it again,” Jensen directed.

Kathryn raised her hand, “Can we please take a break?”

“Fine, yeah. Ten minutes and we will start again from the beginning of the scene.”

Alaina walked up to him. “You’ll get it don’t worry. I’m going to grab some tea next door, would you like some?”

Jared nodded, then squared his shoulders and made his way down the steps.

Talking to Jensen was always difficult. For most of the actors, Jensen had an easy camaraderie, he would correct them yes, would let them know when he found their performance forced, or when he needed more from the scene than they were giving. But he also complimented them, asked them about their families, joked with them.

He only spoke to Jared to tell him where to move and what he was doing wrong.

Jared knew it was his fault, his audition had been not the best, he had been late that first day, he was green as anything to acting and it showed.

Still, Jared was the kind of person who liked people, who people liked in return. He had never had trouble making friends. Except for Richard maybe. And Kathryn definitely. But there were reasons they did not like him, Richard considered vaudeville beneath him, and Jared’s antics on stage particularly juvenile, Kathryn considered the entire world beneath her.

Jensen just didn’t like him.

Jared tried being charming and being funny. He was always on time, always prepared. And still Jensen never talked to him or acknowledged his existence, unless it was while Jared was on stage.

“I’m trying here,” he said to Jensen now. “Maybe if you could give me direction other than too much or too little it would help.”

He didn’t mean for it to come out defensive, but it was three weeks of having Jensen snap at him and apparently it had gotten to him more than he thought.

“My advice is to learn how to act,” Jensen said. “Now if you don’t mind –”

“I do mind,” Jared declared, and moved closer to Jensen. “You are the director, you are supposed to help me.”

“Step away from me,” Jensen said with gritted teeth. “I don’t care who your boyfriend is, you don’t have the right to try to intimidate me.”

“I wasn’t – I wasn’t trying to –” Jared immediately stepped away, flustered. There was something about Jensen that always had him wrong footed. “What boyfriend?”

Jensen ignored him, just pushed by him on his way to talk to the lighting director. Jared stood there for a long moment, lost, before spotting Alaina with the tea.

They ran through the scene again. And again. Jensen dismissed Kathryn and the tech crew, so it was just he and Alaina and Jensen. They ran through the scene again.

“No, no, no.”

Jared had enough. He turned to face the director. “You do it then.”

Jensen stared at him for a very long moment, then made his way up the stairs. He was very obviously angry and seeing that Jared’s annoyance shifted into uneasiness. He was expecting Jensen to read his part, so he was not prepared when Jensen stopped in front of him.

“It’s a subtle thing, but so apparent that everyone in the audience, even the half-blind gentlemen sitting on the seventh row, will know what’s happening between them. It’s not a leer, it’s locking eyes a few beats too long,” Jensen looked up into Jared’s eyes, Jared could look nowhere else. “It’s not a grope, it's a soft touch that lingers.” He turned Jared’s hand until it was palm up, his fingers traced over Jared’s palm, a ghost of a touch that sent shivers down Jared’s spine. “It’s standing too close, it’s the tone of voice that says you will give the person you are talking to everything, if they would just ask.”

Jensen licked his lips; Jared’s eyes tracked the movement. There was something heavy in the air.

“Am I interrupting?”

Jared startled; he had forgotten they were not alone in the theatre. But it wasn’t Alaina that was talking, it was Jeffrey standing halfway down the aisle.

“Sorry, I thought rehearsal would be over by now,” Jeffrey said, as Jared took a few steps back, still feeling more than slightly dazed. “I thought I would surprise you Jared, and take you to dinner. But you guys go ahead and finish, I’ll just have a seat and watch.”

“We’re finished,” Jensen had returned to his normal gruff demeanor. “Thank you, Alaina, for staying, you did excellent work today.”

“Thank you,” Alaina turned to Jared. “If you want to drop by my place tomorrow morning, I’ll have coffee and bagels ready and we can rehearse.”

Jared looked at her thankfully, he had been by her apartment a few times now. She had a nice husband, and a lovely inquisitive daughter of five. “I would like that very much.”

“Jensen, nice to see you again,” Jeffrey said to Jensen.

Jared looked from one to the other. He knew Jeffrey had talked to Jensen about Jared auditioning but wasn’t sure how well they knew each other.

“Always a pleasure,” Jensen said, in the tone he usually reserved for talking to Jared. Jared felt even more puzzled.

“It’s getting a bit chilly outside, I bought you a jacket,” Jeffrey said to him, holding out an unfamiliar black jacket. He kept holding it for Jared as Jared slipped into it. Jared was very aware of Jensen watching them.

Jeffrey put his arms around Jared’s shoulder as they walked out of the theatre. Confused by the unfamiliar action, Jared tried not to pull away. He looked back on his way out, and saw Jensen watching them with a frown on his face.

“How well do you know Jensen?”:Jared asked as they walked out to where Jeffrey’s car was parked.

“You know New York, small town for such a big place. Eventually you run into everyone, so I have seen him at parties and such from time to time,” Jeffrey said as he opened the car door for Jared. “I hope everything is going well between the two of you.”

“Yeah,” Jared replied. Although Jeffrey had taken him to dinner a few times during the last few weeks, Jared had refrained from talking about how things were between him and Jensen. Pride maybe. He didn’t want Jeffrey to think he was failing, not after Jeffrey had been so generous and helped him so much. He waited to speak again until Jeffrey had settled into the driver’s seat. “It’s a learning process, but I think I’m learning.”

“You’ll be great Jared. I have every faith in you.” Jeffrey was beaming at him, and Jared returned the smile. It was nice to be in company where he didn’t have to brace himself for what was going to be said next. “So how about some seafood tonight?”

“Sounds great.” He turned to see Jensen standing outside the theatre, watching them as they drove away.

The next week

The diner down the street from the theatre was always busy, but tonight it was packed.

Jared, arriving late which was the story of his life, looked around until he spotted his group sitting around two tables that were pushed together.

Alaina was sitting at one end of the table, a tiara perched on top of her head, her daughter sat next to her, her husband on the other side of the daughter. Jared handed Alaina the brightly wrapped gift he had just purchased, which was the reason for his tardiness, and kissed Alaina on the cheek. “Happy birthday!”

“Oh,” five year old Jenny squealed. “Can I open it? Please, Mommy?”

“Dinner first, then presents. But yes, you may open it,” Alaina said, smiling down at her daughter.

Every chair surrounding the table was filled, except for the one by Jensen.

Jared was not surprised when Jensen failed to acknowledge his presence. Jared turned to Rachel sitting on his other side and started talking to her about an afternoon matinee they planned to attend that Sunday.

The food was not fancy, but it was good and there was plenty of it, and the chocolate malts were a nice bonus. There were several conversations going on at once and Jared couldn’t help notice that Jake’s attention never strayed from Rachel.

“I hear Bing Crosby is featured in that movie,” Jake said, bursting into their conversation about the store displays at Macy’s. Jared looked at him quizzically. “That matinee you two were talking about earlier. Bing Crosby he…” The sentence drifted away. Jake’s face was roughly the color of a tomato.

It was Rachel that came to Jake’s rescue. “Yes, that’s why I’m forcing Jared to accompany me, so I am not the only one daydreaming about him.”

Jared looked over at Jensen, but he seemed engrossed in his own conversation with Danneel and Mark. He wasn’t sure Jensen knew he liked boys, but he had mentioned Jared having a boyfriend before. Jared still had no idea why Jensen thought he had one.

“You are the one jingle-brained by him,”Jared insisted. “I might have a slight crush on him, but nowhere near your level of infatuation.”

Rachel hit him on the arm, Jared exaggeratedly groaned and made a big deal of rubbing his arm, before stealing a bite of her apple tart. “Besides, as singers go, nobody beats Bessie Smith.”

“You like Bessie Smith?” Jensen asked him, startling Jared so much he almost choked on the second bite of apple tart he had just snagged from Rachel.

“Yes,” Jared managed to croak out after swallowing. “I made a bargain with one of the other boarders in my apartment building. I’m teaching him to juggle, he’s letting me borrow his records. I wore out his record of her singing “I Need a Little Sugar in My Bowl.” He didn’t add it was because he identified with the song so much.

“That’s a favorite of mine too.” Jensen was smiling at him, really smiling, and he was so beautiful that Jared couldn’t look anywhere else. “What other blues singers do you like? There’s a little club not far from here -”

“Am I interrupting?”

Jared turned around to see Jeffrey standing behind him. He looked back at Jensen just to see his smile fade away. Jensen turned away from them, turning his attention back to Mark. Jared felt like the sun had just vanished.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight,” he said to Jeffrey, and tried his best to smile at him. Jeffrey had no way of knowing he just interrupted the first real conversation between him and Jensen. “How did you find me?”

“The stage manager, Kim I think her name is, told me you’d be here. I had a meeting nearby and thought I’d surprise you. I won’t keep you, I see you are having fun with your friends. I just wanted to let you folks know I covered everyone’s bill tonight. It’s a thank you for taking such good care of Jared.”

There was a murmur of thank yous, which Jeffrey graciously accepted. “Dinner Saturday night?” he asked Jared. “If you don’t have other plans.”

Jared replied. “I’d love to, but we have a late rehearsal Saturday.”

“Another time then. Night everyone, enjoy your meal.”

There was an awkward silence after Jeffrey left, as many had never met him and didn’t know who he was. He could tell they wanted to ask about him but were too polite. Jared found himself looking over at Jensen time and again, but Jensen didn’t seem to be inclined to continue with their conversation.

They were all getting ready to leave when he overheard Jake offer to walk Rachel home. He watched them leave, thinking about what a sweet couple they’d make.

He also noticed that Jensen paid for his meal, even though Jeffrey had already covered everything, telling the waitress to accept it as a tip.

Jensen walked right past Jared, who was slipping on his jacket, without looking in his direction.

Things were back to normal then.

Slang. Jingle-brained: Addled

Chapter Text

Jared and Alaina were drinking tea and rehearsing the last few difficult scenes between Orin and Lavinia. Alaina was kind enough to read the part of Lavinia.

The unraveling of Orin was fascinating, scary, and torturous for Jared. One of the many reasons was that Kathryn refused to rehearse with him one on one, even when he had swallowed his pride, knocked on her door with hat literally in hand, and pleaded with her.

In the script Orin had transferred his desperate desires from his dead mother to his sister, and the more unhinged he grew the more bitter she became. They were tough scenes to navigate, not made any easier by the constant friction between the two actors.

“Use what you are feeling to help give expression to Orin’s emotions.” Alaina advised him, as they chatted afterwards. “And then leave it all on the stage, where it belongs.”

“You mean that feeling of wanting to send Kathryn on a voyage far far away?” Jared jokingly asked. 

Alaina laughed. “You are doing so well Jared. Remember the first bit of advice I gave you?”

“Run for the hills?” Jared asked as he gathered up his jacket.

“Trust yourself. You have good instincts, believe in that.”

“Kathryn says I have the talent of a monkey.”

“Kathryn is just jealous that she will not be the only rising star on stage,” Alaina countered. “You have natural ability and a great deal of charisma, which is something not even the best acting school in the world can bestow upon you.”

It was a nice fall day, and they decided to take a bus to the theatre and then walk from the bus stop.

Jared was met at the door by Rachel. “Just the man I was looking for. Jake and I are going to Central Park for lunch, and yes I packed three ham sandwiches for you, I learned my lesson last time. Come with us? Feed the cute little ducks?”

Rachel and Jake’s attraction had only grown since the night of the birthday dinner and they would indeed be a cute couple, if either one or both would finally admit that they were more than just friends. Jared accompanied them on their outings a lot, as did other members of the cast. There was a great deal of discussion among the cast and crew about when these two would get together. It seemed appropriate for the play that two characters playing siblings would fall for each other.

There was no danger of the other two playing siblings, himself and Kathryn, doing the same. She was talking to Jensen when they arrived on stage, hands flying as she went into some kind of tangent about her costume for the final scene. She ignored Jared, as per usual, but everyone else welcomed him with big smiles.

It was exciting to be a part of this, to feel like he belonged here.

This was their last week of day rehearsals, every day they were going to run through all three plays, stopping when they needed to for a change in blocking or notes from the director. Well, Jensen gave the other actors notes, his comments to Jared usually consisted of “Could you please find a place to stand and stay there, all that fidgeting is very distracting” or some other spot of helpful advice.

Next week were tech rehearsals. They would be rehearsing at night and going through the plays without stopping.

The last few dress rehearsals doubled as previews, press and family and friends of the cast and crew would be in attendance.

And then –

Jared tried not to think about the theatre being filled with actual people who paid to be there, or the playwright attending opening night and what he would think of Jared’s performance, or what the critics would say about him.

Jared sat in the audience and watched the first play, the one without Orin. Everyone had improved so much under Jensen’s steady direction, even he had to admit, Kathryn. There was very little need for corrections. Jensen would stop them briefly to ask Jim to try the line a different way, or to remind someone where they were supposed to place a prop, but for the most part it went very smoothly.

He was so into what he was watching that he did not notice that Jeffrey had sat by him until Jeffrey cleared his throat.

Jared looked over at him, startled. “I don’t think you are supposed to be here.”

“It’s fine, I know the director, remember.” Jeffrey winked at him.

From a few rows ahead of them, Jensen turned around and glared at them. Jeffrey and Jensen may know each other, although Jeffrey was very vague on the wheres and hows, but they did not seem to be overly fond of each other.

“Another business meeting close by?” asked Jared, eyes still on the stage.

Jeffrey put a finger under his chin, turned his face toward him. Jared was vaguely aware that Jensen was still watching them. He could feel his face begin to flush, though he had nothing to be ashamed of.

“I wanted to see if I could take you out tonight,” Jeffrey told him. “Since I didn’t get to see you much last week.”

“I’m not sure,” Jared admitted. “I think some of us may be going for ice cream after, it’s become kind of a ritual on Mondays.”

“Tomorrow night then,” Jeffrey said. He was leaning in close, voice barely above a whisper. “Wear your good suit, I’ll take you somewhere nice.”

“Yes, okay, sounds great,” Jared replied.

“I am looking forward to it,” Jeffrey pushed a stray lock of hair away from Jared’s forehead. “There, that’s better.”

His footsteps seemed loud when he left the theatre and Jared wondered how he hadn’t heard him come in. But they were halfway through the second act of Homecoming and Jared quickly turned his attention back to the stage.

It was a joy to see his fellow actors shine, and Jared was in a particularly good mood when it was his turn to take the stage.

He had barely gotten through the first few scenes, when Jensen stopped him. “Have you forgotten everything we went through?” Jensen asked. “I need a performance like this,” he mimicked the waves of an ocean with one hand. “Instead I’m getting this,” a sharp gesture with no up and down movement.

“Let’s start over, everyone. Jared, I need you to focus. Stage lights come up and –”

It set the mood for the whole day. Lunch time in the park was a blessed reprieve, but the third play where he lost the comfort of Alaina on stage and had so many difficult scenes with Kathryn was agony. He was trying too hard, he knew it but he couldn’t stop himself, so that when Orin’s words and actions were harsh, his came off so many times more so and by the time they made it to the end of The Haunted, Jared felt almost as unhinged as Orin.

He had been doing so well too, so much better. He was disappointed in himself, angry at himself too that he let one negative comment affect him so deeply.

“Okay, well I think we all know that could have been better,” Jensen said while the actors took their places on the edge of the stage. “I am going to start with Mark.”

Actor by actor, Jensen went over his notes. Not all were positive, but none of them were harsh. One by one after listening to their notes, the actors left for the night.

Jared made his excuses to Rachel; he wouldn’t be meeting them at the ice cream shop after all.

It was time to have an honest conversation with Jensen.

After Kathryn had left, after receiving the praise due her for her practically flawless performance, it was just Jensen, Danneel, and Jared.

“Danneel, do you mind if I have a word with Jensen alone?” Jared asked, not waiting for Jensen to start listing all the myriad things Jared had done wrong.

“Dani stay, I need to talk to you about dress rehearsals.”

Jared clenched his teeth. “I would prefer it if she left.”

“It’s not your call to make Belle,” Jensen snapped back.

Danneel gave a long-suffering sigh. “As it so happens, I do have a dinner date tonight. I’ll come by your house in the morning Jensen, and we can have our discussion then.” Danneel picked up her purse, looked at the two of them, pointing her finger at one and then the other. “Play nice.”

There was a long silence after she left the auditorium. Jensen wasn’t looking at him, instead writing furiously in the notebook he always carried.

“Well?” Jared asked.

“Well what? I thought you were the one who had the oh-so-important thing to say.”

“I thought maybe you wanted to give me my notes first.”

Jensen looked up from his notebook. “I don’t know what you want me to say. When you try you perform adequately. You obviously were not trying tonight. For your fellow actor’s sake, I hope you put in the effort from this point on.”

“I am trying.” Jared stood up, made his way down the steps toward Jensen. “I have been trying. Everyone else sees that, why can’t you?”

“If everyone else is giving you your little pats of appreciation for effort, I don’t know why you need them from me,” Jensen replied. He placed his pen in his notebook, stood up so that they were now facing each other. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve had a long day and I’m ready to go home.”

Jared began to step aside, frustration causing his whole body to tense, but something in the way Jensen’s jaw was set snapped something inside of Jared. “You have been nothing but rude and condescending since the day I walked into this theatre. You have made it clear you think I am lazy and talentless and not worth your time. If you think I’m that horrible of an actor, then why did you cast me in the first place?”

“I don’t know,” Jensen replied. He was staring up at Jared, his normally pale face flushed. “Why don’t you ask your boyfriend?”

“I don’t know why you think I have a boyfriend,” Jared said. “Do you mean Jeffrey? What does Jeffrey have to do with any of this?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” Jensen asked. “Now, move out of my way or –”

“Or you will what exactly?” Jared asked, drawing up to his full height. “You may be some big shot director, but I’m larger than you, so you will either have to figure out a way through me or take the coward’s way out and turn around and scurry the other way.”

“I am not a coward.” Jensen’s eyes were blazing and if Jared were a smarter man he would back down right about now. “And I am certainly not scared of you punk. You are just a pampered, spoiled, plaything of a man with too much money and not enough ways to occupy his lover.”

“I am not Jeffrey’s lover,” Jared spat. “I don’t know where you got that stupid idea from. I’m not dating Jeffrey. We are friends, that’s all.”

Jensen scoffed.

Normally Jared wasn’t a violent man at all, in fact Orin’s fits of rage were as foreign to him as his lust for his mother and his sister. But something about the way Jensen scoffed, the dismissive way he was looking at Jared, set him off.

He shoved Jensen, not hard, but enough to push him back a few steps.

Jensen stared at him, almost as startled by Jared’s actions as Jared himself was. Jared was about to apologize, had opened his mouth to do so, when Jensen threw down his notebook and shoved Jared using both hands.

Jared, unprepared as he was, stumbled and fell, hitting the ground hard.

Jensen wasted no time, straddling Jared while Jared was still recovering from having the wind knocked out of him.

“What are you going to do?” Jared asked. “Hit me? Won’t that be something to explain to everyone, your star with a black eye?”

“You aren’t my star,” Jensen bit out. “You aren’t anything to me. Just a spoiled pretty boy with a bad attitude and –”

And then Jensen leaned down and kissed him.

Belle: young (gay) man

Chapter Text

It took a few moments for Jared’s mind to catch up, but his body was onboard so quickly his head was spinning.

It wasn’t a gentle kiss, not the first kiss of nervous would-be lovers. Jensen’s mouth was hard against his, his tongue demanding entrance which Jared’s mouth granted him.

The kiss lasted a few moments, or several minutes, it was hard to keep up with time when your head was spinning like a top.

They were both panting when they came up for air.

Jared could feel reality trying to edge its way in, and he had no desire to stop this – whatever this was from happening. He grabbed the back of Jensen’s head, and pulled him in for another kiss.

Jensen was making noises as he kissed him, deep throaty sounds, Jensen’s hands were on his sides, rubbing hard against the fabric of his shirt.

Jensen broke away from this kiss and began yanking on Jared’s shirt. “Take this off.”

Jared really wanted to make a comment about Jensen’s directing him, even now, but his mind and his mouth had somehow disconnected. He sat up and Jensen scooted down, unbuckling Jared’s belt. Jared unbuttoned his shirt with shaky fingers.

Jensen’s fingers were on his chest before Jared could pull the shirt off. He stroked the expanse of it, fingers stopping to ghost over Jared’s nipples which instantly became hard.

He was hard underneath his pants too, he yanked Jensen into another kiss, Jensen was straddling his lap now, his ass pressed against Jared’s erection.

“Bed,” Jensen murmured against Jared’s lips.

“What?” Jared asked, as he leaned in for another kiss, fingers tugging at the fabric of Jensen’s shirt, wanting to feel bare skin.

“Bed, backstage,” Jensen said and then he stood up. Jared felt suddenly cold, sitting there without Jensen crushed against him. Jensen held out his hand to him.

“Oh, the bed from the play,” Jared let himself be pulled up.

“And they said you were just a pretty face,” Jensen teased, and he was smiling up at Jared and his beautiful eyes were staring into Jared’s and for a small moment in time, everything was perfect. Then Jensen let go of Jared’s hand. “What are we doing? We can’t do this.”

“No, don’t walk away from this, from me. I don’t want to stop,” Jared argued, and grabbed Jensen by the arms, pulled him close. “You don’t want to either. You don’t think I can feel how much you want me?”

“This doesn’t change – I need to gain control of myself.”

“I am yours to take. Is your precious control more important to you than giving into this?” Jared asked, frustrated.

He yanked off his shoes, and pulled his pants off. Jensen said nothing, did nothing, just watched Jared undress.

Jared pulled off his boxers, kicked them to the side. Jensen was licking his lips; Jared was sure he wasn’t even aware he was doing it.

Jared was standing naked in front of Jensen; he knew his face was flushed, probably other parts of his body were too. Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand, pressed it against his aching cock. “Walk out the door and you’ll never get this, get me. You want to prove something Mr. Big Shot Director? Prove you have what it –”

Jensen grabbed Jared’s cock hard, gave it a few hard strokes and Jared’s words dissolved into a moan. “Remember you asked for this punk. Get on the bed, I’ll be there shortly.”

He would let himself be embarrassed later, how quickly he scrambled to obey. He went backstage, located the bed, which was covered up by a sheet, waiting for rehearsals the next day, Jared pulled the pillows and the sheet off the bed, revealing the bare mattress underneath.

He felt Jensen behind him, a firm pressure on his back. “Have you ever been fucked before?”

Jared nodded his head. With the lifestyle he led, and the need to be discreet, it had not been often, but he was not a virgin by any definition of the word. Jensen pushed him toward the bed. “Good, then you know what to do.”

Jared laid on his stomach, pushed his ass up in the air. “Let’s see if you do,” he challenged.

Jensen had picked up a bottle of lotion from one of the dressing rooms, not ideal but, as Jared had learned the hard way, anything was better than spit. He placed it beside Jared’s head, dipped a few fingers into the bottle and then pushed them into Jared’s ass.

Jared gasped. “A little warning would be nice.”

“Shut up and take it,” Jensen ordered. “You wanted this; I am damn well going to give it to you.”

The prep was brusque and quick, two fingers replaced immediately by three, scissoring deep inside of him.

Before Jared could summon the coherency to complain, the fingers were replaced by the tip of Jensen’s cock. Jensen grabbed his hips, yanked Jared up and on to his cock.

There was pain, bright, flaring, and deep. Jared’s fingers flexed on the mattress, trying to find something, anything, to grab on to but there wasn’t anything. He could feel tears prickling in his eyes. Behind him, Jensen was breathing heavily. “Still think you can take it?”

Jared rocked himself forward, slammed himself back onto Jensen’s thick cock. “I can take everything you give me.”

It was all Jensen apparently needed. His hands on Jared’s hips were like a vice, fingernails digging deep. He pulled all the way out of Jared and then slammed back in, setting up a brutal place that had Jared’s legs rocking back and forth, his arms shaking. The pain he had felt at first was now a memory, replaced by the intense pleasure of his prostate being pushed against over and over.

His cock, which had flagged some with the pain, quickly recovered due to the overwhelming sparks of pleasure, becoming hard and heavy. Jensen’s voice was low and husky. “Should have known your ass would be perfect. Walking around like you do, practically shaking it in my face.”

Jensen pulled out as suddenly as he pushed in, hands that were unexpectedly gentle rubbing his shoulders. “Not this way, I need to see you. I want to get lost in those eyes of yours.”

“You make me dizzy, the way you blow hot and cold,” Jared grumbled but turned over so he was on his back. Jensen was sitting up, his perfect cock hard and glistening, his naked body beautiful, his face so flushed that his adorable freckles were on display. Jared wanted to trace their path, explore everywhere they led.

And did he did just that, Jared ran his fingers from the bridge of Jensen’s nose, down his cheekbones, over the dip at Jensen’s neck, trailed them over Jensen’s hard nipples, followed the path to Jensen’s tight stomach.

Jensen was breathing heavily, his eyes dark with passion. He grabbed Jared’s hand before Jared could touch his cock. “If you are finished playing connect the freckles, I’m ready to try this again from the beginning.”

Jared laid back down, spread his legs out wide. “You’re the director, tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

“Oh you have no idea what things I’ve wanted to do to you. Picturing these long, long legs wrapped around me kept me up at night.” Jared immediately wrapped his legs around Jensen’s waist, using his thigh muscles to pull Jensen closer to him. Jensen leaned in, a kiss as soft as a petal to Jared’s cock before sitting back up. “Dreamed of sinking my cock into that sweet hole of yours over and over while you begged and pleaded.”

“Do it,” Jared urged, and then added. “Please.”

Jensen groaned and then yanked Jared’s body into the position he wanted it to be in and sank back into Jared, Jared opened up easily, relishing the sensation of Jensen so deep, filling him up. Jensen was pushing into Jared with just enough force to hit Jared’s prostate just right. Jared was almost delirious with pleasure, never had it been like this before, his body trembling with need and want. He wanted to come and he wanted not to so that he could stay with Jensen, just like this, riding a wave that never crested

Jensen was close, Jared could tell, losing his rhythm and his iron-clad control, his thrusts now erratic. Jared wrapped his legs tighter and sat up, so that every part of their bodies were so connected they were as one, so that Jensen was buried so deep inside of him that Jared could feel nothing else. Jensen cursed and the two of them shook with the force of Jensen’s orgasm. Jensen reached between them and stroked Jared’s cock just once and Jared was coming too, collapsing back down on the bed with Jensen collapsing on top of him.

From first kiss to orgasm had taken about ten or fifteen minutes tops, which is was the reason why, Jared told himself, he felt so disoriented, like the world no longer made sense.

Jensen pulled out, swung his legs over the side of the bed. “Did you hear that?”

“What?” Jared sat up too, wincing at the pain in his ass. He was going to be feeling this for a few days. He found he was not upset about that, at all. “All I hear is you breathing like you ran a marathon. Out of shape are we?”

“Fuck you.” Jensen’s hair was mussed which must have been Jared’s doing. It looked kind of adorable.

Jensen was still looking around, but apparently after not seeing anything, glanced back at Jared. Jensen’s face was pink, but from exertion or embarrassment Jared wasn’t sure.

“I’m sorry, I know I was a bit rough.”

“That’s okay, but when I am walking funny on stage tomorrow, we will know who to blame.”

Jensen laughed, a bit nervously but still, it pleased Jared to know he was the cause of it. He wanted to cause more of it.

“I’m sorry I’m ruining your show,” Jared blurted out. He had not even been aware he had been thinking about that, but apparently it was close in his mind. Worry about the show and his performance always was.

“You’re not. I have been – I’ve been unfair to you. But Jared, you have come such a long way, you really have.”

“Just not far enough,” Jared said, suddenly aware that his clothes were in the auditorium, and that he felt sticky and uncomfortable all over.

Jensen looked at his watch. “Look it’s late, we are both feeling overwhelmed.”

“Overwhelmed. That’s a new name for fucked I haven’t heard before.” Jared stood up. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll get dressed now. I’d like to go home and take a shower.”

Jensen stood up too, his clothes were nearby, right beside the bed. “I’ll take care of things here,” he said, indicating the bed.

“Yeah, okay.” Disappointment slammed into him so hard it was like a physical blow. He wasn’t sure what he expected after he practically flung himself at Jensen, but this – this dismissal, wasn’t it.

“I want to talk to you about your performance, maybe work with you a little one by one. I have tech meetings tomorrow, an interview with the Times, some other stuff. But if you could meet me at the auditorium about an hour before call time?”

“Sure, okay,” Jared turned around, and headed off stage.

He heard Jensen sigh behind him.

The next morning Jared woke up long before his three alarm clocks woke him.

His ass still tingled, and he thought about what had happened, the way Jensen’s cock had felt as he had pressed into Jared, the way that the room had turned so cold when it was over.

After a long time, he forced himself to get dressed, and headed downstairs.

The woman who ran the front office stopped him. “Never had someone drop off flowers for a man before,” she said, as she handed him a bouquet of red roses. “Your girl must be something special.”

Jared took the flowers, there was a note attached to them. “Yeah, special,” he agreed before heading back up the stairs.

The scent of the roses almost overwhelmed his small room. He stared at the blank white envelope for a long time, before finally taking it out, reading the note.

“I handled things all wrong last night, but I promise I will make it up to you. I look forward to seeing you soon. Yours, Jensen.”

He had written ‘yours’. He could have written sincerely or any other polite form of farewell, but he had written yours.

Hope, faint but growing, blossomed. Jensen was looking forward to seeing him, he said he had handled things badly.

He wrote – yours –

Jared could not concentrate. He could barely eat, which was usually a sign he was sick enough to die because almost nothing affected his appetite. Except apparently Jensen.

Yours.

He was thirty minutes early for their meeting, unsurprised to find the door locked.

He waited. And waited.

The tech people began arriving, the stage manager Kim, letting him into the theatre. He waited in the lobby.

The other actors began to arrive, headed for their dressing rooms.

Jared wasn’t in the first play, he still had time. But it was ten minutes before rehearsal was to start and still no Jensen. No Danneel either.

What if there had been an accident?

Five minutes, and Jared was about to use the theatre phone to call the police, when Jeffrey strolled in.

“You look upset,” Jeffrey said, pulling off his gloves as he spoke. “Did something happen?”

“It’s Jensen,” Jared explained. “He’s late.”

“Ah, yes, I need to address the cast about that.” He spoke to one of the boys that worked props or lights or something, anyway Jared had seen him around. “Can you get Kim? I need everyone gathered together.”

Jared had no idea why Jeffrey was here, why he had the authority to call a meeting, he was still glancing at the door, willing Jensen to show up.

Jeffrey grabbed his arm, pulling him along gently. “Come, let’s have a seat, everything will be clearer in just a moment.”

Jared let himself be led down the aisle of the theatre, sitting where Jeffrey placed him in the front row. He could see several eyes on the two of them as the others quickly found places to sit.

Jeffrey walked up the steps, stood center stage.

“For personal reasons, involving an inappropriate interaction with a member of this cast about which he expresses deep regret, Jensen has resigned his directing duties effective immediately.”

A shocked murmur from the cast and crew, Jared could not focus on a single thought, his mind racing.

Inappropriate. Regret.

He had signed the note, yours.

Regret.

“I am sure you are concerned about the future of this production, but I wish to allay your concerns immediately. I am taking over the directing duties for this last week of rehearsals. Any problems or issues you encounter, please feel free to bring them to me. I intend this to be a successful production that we all can be proud of. Kim, please call places. I would like to begin this rehearsal in five minutes.”

“Yes, sir, of course.” Kim stood up. “You heard the man, everyone get to where you are supposed to be.”

For a second nothing happened, then there was a mad scramble as everyone moved at once. Except Jared, he had no immediate place to be. He was still replaying the three words over and over in his head – yours, inappropriate, regret.

“I don’t understand who made him boss,” he heard Kathryn grumble to Jake. Rushing was not Kathryn’s style, so she was still making her way to the stage, already in makeup, hair perfect, wearing the dark, stern clothes she made her entrance in.

“Don’t you know?” Jake whispered back, glancing back at Jeffrey who was talking to Kim. “He owns the theatre.”

Jared looked up, starting to protest because no way that was true. Jeffrey hadn’t bought this theatre; he would have told him something like that.

“Well, that solves one mystery then,” Kathryn said, not even trying to pretend to whisper. “We know how Jared earned his role; it was on his back just like we thought just not for the director.”

Jake started to protest, but Jared had stopped listening to them.

Jared looked over at Jeffrey. Jeffrey was still talking to Kim, but his eyes were focused on Jared. When he caught Jared looking, he winked and then turned his attention back to Kim.

Jared forced himself to stand up, and made his way backstage to the dressing room, empty now as everyone else waited backstage for their entrance or were watching the proceedings until it was their time on stage.

He sat down on the makeup chair, stared at himself in the mirror.

He thought about many things, the apartment Jeffrey owned that he let Jared live in, the way that Jeffrey showed up at unexpected times. He was coming to a horrifying realization about why he was cast.

“Are you okay?” Jeffrey was standing behind him.

“Did you make Jensen cast me?” Jared asked.

Jeffrey shrugged. “I simply indicated that directing a production such as this one would be a big boost to his career. And that I knew a young gentleman who would be perfect for the role of Orin. He got his dream job and I got to help a friend who is very dear to me.”

“I need to go; I shouldn’t even be here. I would not be here, if it weren’t for you. This isn’t right. I need to go.” Jared knew he was rambling; his hands were shaking.

Jeffrey turned Jared’s chair toward him, knelt so that he was at eye level with Jared. “If you go, you are going to be letting a hell of a lot of people down. Good people who have worked hard. Is that what you want?”

Jared shook his head but said, “I’m not as good as any of them, I shouldn’t be here.”

“You are not as good as they are, you are better. I have seen you in rehearsal Jared, more often than you realize. You were born to be on stage, made for this role. Now. save the dramatics for the stage. Does it really matter how you got here? There is a stage full of people, depending on you. Decide now, stay or go.”

Jeffrey was right. Every actor in the cast had worked hard, every crew member had shown up and gave them their best. It was too late for his role to be recast.

“This can never happen again,” he said to Jeffrey. “I know you were trying to help me, but you can see how wrong this is.”

Jeffrey shrugged again and stood up. “I have to get back out there, and you need to get ready. You wanted to be an actor; you are an actor. I can’t see that anything else matters.”

With that Jeffrey walked out of the room.

Part of Jared wanted to walk out with him, keep walking, walk out of the theatre, walk out of this town, keep walking.

Instead he opened the pancake makeup and picked up a sponge.

Punk: the receptive partner in sex

Chapter Text

Final dress rehearsal was terrible.

Correction.

Jared was terrible.

He was nervous, jumpy. He forgot lines, forgot bits of stage business, he was either too intense or too loud or spoke his lines with zero conviction. He was worse than he had been at the audition, and that was saying something.

At the end of the rehearsal, he sat on the stage with the rest of the cast and waited to be torn into, as he well deserved to be.

In truth, Jeffrey wasn’t much of a director, but as this was the last week of rehearsals, not a lot of directing was needed (for most of the cast anyway). What Jeffrey excelled at was managing. The week had been a tornado of publicity pictures being taken, interviews with reporters, attending fancy lunches with fancily dressed people whose names Jared could not remember five minutes after they were introduced. And Jeffrey set it all in motion, kept everything moving, kept everyone focused.

His notes after rehearsals had been sparse, but this was the last rehearsal. Tomorrow was opening night.

As Jeffrey stood up, Jared could picture Jensen in his place. Jensen with his notes, Jensen looking at him with a shake of his head as if to say really Jared, was that the best you could do? Jensen who had taken him to bed – the same bed Jared could no longer even look at on stage. Jensen who he had not heard from since the flower delivery.

Yours. Inappropriate. Regret.

Jeffrey clapped his hand together. “That was wonderful. I think we are going to smash all expectations tomorrow. Go home and get a good night’s rest. I want everyone bright and ready for tomorrow.”

And then he dismissed them.

The people, including a few critics and reporters, who had been invited to the final dress rehearsal, which served as a preview, began chattering to each other. Probably wondering if Jared was the worst actor ever, or just the worst one currently living.

Mark patted him on the shoulder, an action he could only take while Jared was sitting, and to Jared’s surprise, Mark was smiling. “Cheer up kid. Bad dress rehearsals mean terrific opening nights. Everyone knows that.”

Kathryn, on the other hand, was staring daggers at him. Alaina invited him to her house for tea and sympathy, but Jared turned her down.

Jeffrey approached him as Jared left the dressing room, back now in his own clothes, makeup free. “How about a late dinner? I know a place a few blocks down that should be open. Or we could go to a bar, celebrate a little early.”

Jared shook his head. “I’m tired, I think I’ll just head home.”

Jeffrey frowned. “You’ve been distant all week. I hope it’s still not over the casting thing.”

“The casting thing where you bought me a role? No, why would it be?” Jared asked testily. “Obviously, you were right, and I was meant to play this role, a fact I definitely proved tonight.”

“Sorry Jared, that came out wrong. I understand you are concerned. But this week – you have performed beyond anyone’s expectations, outshone everyone else on that stage. Don't let one bad night bring you down. Everyone here is rooting for you, wants you to do well. But no one more so than me.”

Jared sighed. “No, I am the one who is sorry. I am being defensive, and you’ve been nothing but kind. It’s just – don’t do this again okay? If I ever act again, I want it to be because I earned the role.”

Jeffrey held his arms up. “Hands off from now on I swear. Are you sure I can’t buy you a drink? Let me at least drive you home.”

“No, really I’m fine. The walk will do me good.” Jared smiled at Jeffrey. “Night Jeffrey.”

“Night.”

There was no sleep for Jared that night. He read and re-read his script. He pictured every movement his character made. He brought up every emotion, practiced different ways of expressing them subtly, the way Jensen had taught him.

He got to the theatre purposely late, slipped in the back. The first play had already begun, he stepped backstage for a moment, could see Kathryn and Alaina on stage, and heard their murmured voices. Actors and stagehands stood around backstage; attention focused on what was happening on the stage.

He made his way to his dressing room, the one he shared with Mark and Jake, both of whom had already made their debut on stage and were presumably backstage or in the green room.

Jared put on the white shirt he wore in his first scene. Sat on the chair, makeup splayed out before him.

And looked at himself in the mirror.

He couldn’t do this.

He couldn't go out there and make a fool of himself, he couldn’t let everyone down. He was an idiot for ever thinking he could act.

He heard a noise and looked up. He could see Jensen’s reflection in the mirror and their eyes locked and for a moment time froze. His heart skipped several beats as he turned around to face Jensen.

“I didn’t think you would come.”

“I almost didn’t.” Jensen placed the flowers down he was holding, looked at Jared. “It’s going great out there; this play is going to be a sensation. Nobody will be talking about anything else.”

“Talking about how bad I am maybe.”

“No, no. God, I – I don’t know how to talk to you, I never have.”

“I’m sorry Jeffrey put you in this position, made you cast me. I swear I knew nothing about any of it.”

“I believe you,” Jensen said, he took off his cap, fiddled with it. “I’m sorry I treated you the way I did, you didn’t deserve it. I see that now.”

“And yet you were still so ashamed that we – that we  -”

“Not ashamed. Not ashamed at all.” Jensen took one of Jared’s hands in his. “Jeffrey came to me, somehow he knew what happened. I guess he walked in on us, that must be the noise I heard. I don’t know that is what happened for certain but somehow, he knew. He threw the morality clause at me, told me he would trash my reputation, tell everyone I forced you – I had no choice but to resign Jared.”

Jared had no idea that Jeffrey could be capable of something like this. “But that doesn’t make any sense. He hired you to be the director for this production, why would he force you to quit?”

“You. It’s you. He’s – he’s obsessed with you Jared,” Jensen said. “But that is not important right now, not any of this. You have to get ready; you are about to make your theatre debut and you are going to blow them all away.”

“I’m not. You weren’t there yesterday Jensen, I was horrible.”

“I failed you. I failed you as a person, and I failed you as a director. I let my rage about having my hand forced at casting you affect how I directed you. You are good Jared, and I am not saying that to make you feel better. You are damned good; you have such a clear grasp of this character and his motivations and it just – you are Orin when you walk out on the stage.”

Jensen leaned down, kissed Jared lightly on the lips. Jared’s finger went to his lips, touching where Jensen’s lips had just left.

“I don’t want to let them down,” Jared confessed. “I don’t want to let you down.”

“Then don’t.” Jensen placed his cap back on his head. “I’m going to go watch the rest of Homecoming. You get ready. We will talk afterwards. You can do this Jared; I know you can.”

Jared nodded, turned back toward the mirror, grabbed the sponge. “Okay,” he said, and Jensen nodded, and headed toward the door. “Okay,” he said again, took a deep breath, and began to get ready.

Three hours later

The standing ovation went on and on.

Jared held Kathryn and Alaina’s hands and bowed once more. Cheers, clapping, whistles. The entire cast was smiling, even Mark. There was such an excitement in the air, it felt like a real breathing thing that flitted from one to the other of them, lighting up all their faces in joy.

Even Kathryn had nothing snobby to say as the curtain went down for the last time. “I can’t wait to read the reviews,” she said, giving Jared a quick hug. “They are going to be singing our praises. Well mostly mine, but they might mention you once or twice.”

“Thanks,” and then she was replaced by Alaina who hugged him and kissed his cheek and then there was Rachel and Jake holding on to each other’s hands and offering congratulations and by the time he left the stage, his feet didn’t seem to be touching the floor at all.

Jensen was standing right off stage, the flowers he had held earlier in his hand, a big smile on his face. “You did it!”

Jared practically flew into his arms, lifting Jensen off the ground, spinning him around. Jensen was laughing, everyone was staring at them, but Jared didn’t care. Let them stare. Let the whole world stare.

As if reading his thoughts, Jensen brought Jared’s head down and they kissed, quick and light, but out there for everyone to see.

After that it was pandemonium. People flocked around Jared, so many congratulations, more flowers thrust at him, more accolades. The backstage was humming with voices and there were people all around, but time and time again Jared’s eyes found Jensen’s and Jensen was always looking at him.

Jared was the last one to change into his regular clothes, and to take off his makeup. Everyone was making plans to meet at Sardi’s, to wait for the reviews there.

Jensen was waiting for him as he emerged from the dressing room. “We never did get to talk about what happened that night, I thought maybe you wanted to now before we join the party.”

“Do you regret it?” Jared asked, because to him that was the most important question.

Jensen shook his head. “The only regret is that I didn’t let go of the anger sooner, that I let Jeffrey bully me out of my job.”

“As long as you don’t regret it, nothing else matters.” Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand, held it in his. “We could skip Sardi’s, go to your place for our own private celebration.”

Jensen laughed, leaning against the wall, looking like the most delicious thing Jared had ever seen. “My brazen ingenue. You’d miss the reviews, the champagne toasts to your brilliant performance.”

“I’m willing to miss all of that,” Jared said, crowding Jensen against the wall. “If you are.”

Instead of answering Jensen shoved him away. For a moment Jared was in shock, thinking he read all the signs wrong, but Jensen was moving forward, pushing Jared behind him. Jared turned around.

Jeffrey was standing there.

Holding a gun.

“I’ve been patient, more than. Nobody ever has been as patient. You were just a kid Jared when I first saw you, but I knew even back then you were meant to be mine. But you were young, so I waited. Then you were with that horrible girl, and I knew you weren’t hers. And I was right, you were pretending all the time.”

Jared gripped Jensen’s hand tightly. Jeffrey held the gun steady, pointed right at Jensen’s heart.

“And yet, you still didn’t come to me. Even when I asked. I thought, he needs to be shown how much I care. So, I did. An apartment, the acting job of a lifetime, everything handed to you. And despite that, despite everything I have done for you, despite everything I have given up for you, you slept with that - pretender. So, I got rid of him, and then surely, after your triumphant debut you would fall into my arms and I would finally, finally have you.”

Jeffrey cocked the gun. “I got rid of him once, but he came back. This time I will make sure he doesn’t.”

“No, Jeffrey, no don’t!” Dropping Jensen’s hand, Jared stepped forward, ignoring Jensen’s attempts to hold him back. “I’ll go with you, I will, but only if you put down the gun.”

“He’ll come back,” Jeffrey said. “He thinks you belong to him.”

“He’s wrong, I don’t. I’m yours.” Jared stepped closer, hand out. “Just give me the gun and I will go with you, somewhere we can be alone. Just you and me.”

“Jared, no!” Jensen shouted.

Jeffrey turned the gun back toward Jensen, his finger on the trigger. Jared tackled him, the gun going off as they both fell to the ground.

There was a ringing in his ears, hands pulling on his body, pulling him up.

People running in, calls for the police.

Jared was trying to free himself from the person who held him. “Jensen!”

“Sh, it’s  me, I’ve got you, It’s okay,” Jared turned and flung his arms around Jensen.

“I thought he shot you.” Jared said, hands touching Jensen everywhere, looking for holes. “The gun went off.”

“It’s the prop gun,” Kim said, kicking it away from Jeffrey who was sitting up slowly.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I never could,” Jeffrey said. “I just wanted you to see what you mean to me.”

“Get Jared out of here,” Kim ordered Jensen. “I’ll tell the cops where you are when they arrive.”

Jared didn’t even glance back at Jeffrey as he held onto Jensen’s hand and followed him to the green room. Once there, Jensen pulled him in his arms, kissed him, held him until the shaking stopped.

They were sitting, side by side, Jared’s head on Jensen’s shoulder when the police came to get their statements. Jared held onto Jensen’s hand as they were questioned. Afterwards Jensen held him close. “Don’t worry Jared, I got you and I’m never letting you go.”

Chapter Text

Epilogue 

New York, January 1932

Jensen, as usual, was waiting for him backstage.

“Last performance,” Jensen said, as he stepped on tiptoes to kiss Jared. “And you were magnificent as always.”

“Thanks. I owe it all to my outstanding director,” Jared declared, kissing him back.

“So true,” Jensen smirked and then smacked Jared on his ass. “Get a move on, we’ve got a train to catch.”

It was hard saying goodbye to everyone, in the last three months they had all gotten close, especially after the incident with Jeffrey.

Jeffrey had gotten off with a warning, and still owned the theatre, but Jared had not seen or heard from him since opening night. Still, he felt his presence everywhere. He moved out of his apartment, moved in with Jensen, where he rented out Jensen’s second bedroom, or that was the official story. Unofficially Jared’s bags were stowed in there, but Jared spent his nights wrapped around Jensen.

The play had been a success, the playwright’s reputation sparkled, the critics loved the play, loved the actors, and adored him.

His understudy, hired when Jared began talking about leaving, was taking over tomorrow. Jared knew Matt would do a fantastic job.

Jensen had found his reputation was still sullied in New York, innuendo and speculation running rampant through the town. 

Hollywood however could not be bothered to keep up with gossip from thousands of miles away. Jensen had been hired to direct his first movie, a talkie with Marie Dressler already cast as the lead.

Jared was going with him, he had auditions set up for the week following. It was a time for new beginnings, new possibilities. He was ready to live in a town where Jeffrey’s shadow didn’t hover over him.

Saying goodbye was hard, goodbyes always were. Hugs, tears, Kathryn promising to go out to Hollywood to visit (and maybe go on a few auditions herself while she was out there).

Taking the costume off for the last time was painful, saying goodbye to the character whose life he had inhabited for months shook him more than he had thought it would.

It was January. A new year. A new life waiting to begin.

They stood together at the train station, holding hands.

Jensen kissed him as the train pulled into the station. “Are you ready?” he asked as the porters began hustling around, grabbing bags, and ushering people to the train.

Jared smiled as he took one last look at the town where he had once thought held all of his hopes and his dreams. Now all of his hopes and pdreams dwelt in the man who stood by his side. “I am, but I bet Hollywood isn’t ready for us.”

Jensen laughed. “Let’s go find out, shall we.”

And they boarded the train.